Archive of Our Own ^beta

Dating Kravitz should be a lovely affair--it's the best thing to happen in Taako’s life in a very long time--but it becomes kind of an ordeal. The same goes for any interaction with his newly-alive sister. Taako is exhausted, both from burning slots on his makeup and from putting on a fake front for people on days when Taako wants to curl up in bed and cry. Days like that are pretty common, and days where Taako is so jumpy and snappish he makes even Magnus angry at him are even more frequent. In fact, he has maybe one okay day a week, socialization-wise, and it never seems to fall on a day when it counts.

Instead of telling anyone when it's a bad day, Taako hides it the best he can. Because when he’s around Kravitz or his sister or even both, he’s really happy, despite how much energy he’s expending on the whole thing, and he wants to prolong the other shoe falling and crushing him into dust for as long as possible. If Taako wasn’t dealing with the emotional aftermath of all the fuckery he’s been through, his life would be going pretty well.

So, he compartmentalizes his shit and puts on fake smiles and takes all necessary precautions to make sure Kravitz and Lup never find out that he's a hot mess.

And they never would have, if it weren't for Taako’s shitty friends.

On the day that his fifth date with Kravitz is supposed to occur, Taako can't even get into trance. His stomach aches, and every noise outside his room grates on his skin (just sitting there existing makes him want to yank his hair out).

This feeling sticks with him and makes the unnecessary-but-routine daily training session a bad time. Taako snarls at Magnus for prying into his emotional state, he lashes out at Merle with some pretty deep cuts that are ultimately uncalled for, and he goes out of his way to piss off Carey and Killian, so Killian decks him.

He even manages to make Angus upset, which is when he decides to give up on talking to people before he can actually lose a friend, and goes back to the shared quarters to overthink what’s going to happen that evening. No one stops him, as he’s done a pretty stellar job of making everyone hate him more than they usually do. Taako sits on the couch, presses an ice pack to his black eye, and stews in his anxiety.

If he tells Kravitz that today won't work, Kravitz will either be disappointed, or, worse, worried about him. On the other hand, if Taako goes through with the date, there's a big chance he's actually going to have a breakdown, and nothing says romance like sobbing into fettuccine alfredo. There doesn't seem to be a way out, and he even considers faking his own death at one point.

Taako isn't entirely sure how long he sits there, but he comes back to himself when someone puts a heavy hand on his shoulder, and he jerks back. He'd been hunched over, hands clamped painfully over his ears, the ice pack long since abandoned. He looks up to find Lup and Kravitz standing over him.  

“Taako?” Lup asks, and it probably isn't the first time she's said it, either. Fuck. “What's wrong?”

Taako turns a murderous glare on her, and she meets it with a customary amount of nonchalance. “Sorry to barge in, Koko, but, well, uh--Magnus and Merle were very worried about you, and Angus came and got your boo and I to see if you were alright, because you've been kind of different lately, and--doesn't it hurt a lot to hold your ears like that?”

Kravitz looks back at Taako with this, and aforementioned ears flatten themselves against Taako’s head as he releases them. “It's not that bad, but thanks.” In truth, it does hurt, and it makes Taako feel sick and panicky and trapped (Lup knows this full well, and something about her steely gaze makes him sure he’s going to hear about this later), but he's not in the mood for a discussion with his boyfriend and sister about his self-destructive behaviors. “I, uh-I was finally getting into trance when you barged in, so thanks for that…”

He stops in the middle of his thought when he starts to feel the Disguise Self wear off. Hurriedly reapplying, he gets to his feet, ignoring the dizziness that ensues. Lightheadedness had started to become a problem as he got less and less sleep and used more and more slots, but he figured it would only be a problem until he leveled up again so he didn't bother trying to fix anything. “You know the cold that’s been going around again? I’ve got that, it’s making me a little grumpy. Good talk, kemosabes. I'll be in my room if you need to invade my privacy any more.”

“Wait, Taako--” Kravitz reaches out, to grab Taako’s hand, maybe, or touch his shoulder, and Taako ruins everything.

He flinches, seeing the hand as nothing but a threat in the moment.

The shock on Kravitz and Lup’s faces are enough to make Taako bolt. He's gone into his room and then casting Blink to get even farther away before either of them can stop him.

He doesn't have the slot for Blink to work--he’d hardly had one for Disguise Self--so he stands there with his back pressed against the door for an embarrassingly long amount of time, knowing that Lup is stronger than him and might force her way in here. Taako can't handle anyone shouting at him and if Kravitz gets aggressive Taako isn’t going to recover and--

A soft knock on the door makes Taako’s thoughts stop plummeting to the worst for a moment. “Taako, may I come in?”

It's Kravitz. Taako takes a shuddery breath. “Where's Lup?” His voice is wrecked , though he supposes the cat is already out of the bag in regards to his mental state.

“She said it was best she talked to you later, but I wanted to check on you. Do you want to be left alone?”

“No, I super don’t.” Taako figures that while he probably shouldn’t venture to talk to Kravitz when he feels like he's going to shake apart at the seams, as he's practically spinning with overexertion because of his failed spellcasting, the worst that can happen is Kravitz catching him in his beautiful muscled arms if Taako faints.

Taako opens the door.

Instead of rushing at him, Kravitz hangs back very respectfully. He looks worried, smiling in a placating way. “How can I help you feel better?”

Inexplicably, Taako’s eyes fill with tears. Blinking them away, he moves aside to let Kravitz come into his room. Both of them just stand there, unmoving. “Uh. I don't...”

“How about you let that Disguise Self drop, and then we can sit for a while?” Kravitz reaches out very cautiously, giving Taako time to move, and takes hold of Taako’s arm. Taako barely feels it, he’s too busy hating himself for even entertaining the thought that Kravitz would hurt him. “We should sit down.”

Taako lets himself be led to the bed, and sits. He’s a little bit off , like he's not quite in his body, but he just sits in silence to wait for Kravitz to start whatever discussion is going to happen.

“I can see through the spell.” Kravtiz finally states, after it's become clear that Taako hadn't understood the first time.

Taako feels hollow. “What?”

“I understand if Disguise Self makes you feel safe, but you don't need to bother around me if it's taking up too much energy." Kravitz is eternally patient, it seems. "You already showed me your face, and you know I love it regardless, and I know something's wrong."

The worst part is, the spell  is taking up too much energy. The spell fizzles out as Taako gives up, but he drops his face into his hands to hide anyway. All those weeks of trying to be cool have apparently meant nothing. Fuck, he's so tired of lying.

“Okay.” Kravitz takes a deep breath, and it’s unclear which one of them that was meant to benefit. “Will you tell me what's wrong?”

“Sorry I'm a bad boyfriend,” Taako mumbles into his hands in lieu of answer.

“What makes you say that?” Kravitz puts a hand on Taako’s back very lightly, and moves it in slow circles. The contact is making Taako feel even more jittery and panicky and overstimulated, but he forces himself not to flinch again.

“I, uh, really want to go out tonight, I just can't.”

Kravitz is quiet, seemingly thinking that over, until, “Can I ask why?”

Taako huffs in frustration and clamps a hand down on his ear, giving it a sharp tug, and the pain brings him back into the boundaries of his actual body. After a noise of concern, Taako feels Kravitz move his hand to reach out to stop him, and Taako recoils backward.

In the heavy moment of awkward quiet, Taako is so angry with himself he wants to scream. Why can't he just communicate ? Kravitz is being nothing but considerate and helpful and understanding and all Taako can give him is “I can't” again.

Kravitz doesn't seem to know what to say to this, but he finally settles on “Do you have other plans, or…?”

“No! I just. I can't be a real person right now.” Taako yanks on his ear again, and it hurts bad enough to make him gag, but it also gets him to focus on the conversation at hand. “I'm sorry I really want to I just. Can’t, tonight.”

Something he said must have made sense, because when Taako finally emerges from where he'd been keeping his face hidden, Kravitz nods, like he understands. To his credit, he doesn’t move to touch Taako again. “That's okay.”

Taako blinks, unsure. His grip on his ear loosens, and he sees Kravitz look a little relieved. “Are you serious, homie?”

Kravitz nods again, a very gentle and reassuring smile on his face. “Of course. Though, I would like to ask, have you felt this way before other dates?”

Taako nods slowly, unsure if that's the correct answer.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Taako doesn’t even consider lying. “I want to be worth your time,” seems diplomatic enough, but Taako braces for Kravitz to up and leave at any moment.

Kravitz breathes out a very sad “oh,” but he doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. His grounding presence is already making Taako feel a hundred times less shaky, less like a scribbly drawing of himself and more like he can function again. “You’re always worth my time, Taako. You’re worth everyone’s time, even if you’re not up to using it.”

“Okay.” Taako doesn’t really believe that, but it’s nice to hear someone say it, like he matters beyond comic relief and practical use. “That’s gay.”

Kravitz giggles, and it’s so soft and nice that Taako remembers why he’s so anxious about losing him. “You should get some sleep. I’ll try to talk Lup down from whatever rampage she’s on.”

Taako laughs weakly, but kicks off his shoes and motions for Kravitz to lay down next to him. “I’ll worry about her later.”

Lup doesn’t say anything for a while, just hands Taako a huge almost-bowl of cinnamon hot chocolate and sits on the couch, looking up at him expectantly until he settles down across from her. He’s feeling a little better after his nap sesh with Kravitz, almost good enough to face whatever disappointment or rejection he’s about to get from his twin sister.

It takes a while, but eventually she seems to find the words she wants. Kravitz must have talked to her--she’s miles calmer than she would have ever gotten by herself. “This is the first time I’ve seen you au naturale since I came back,” she finally says.

Taako experiences a brief flash of panic, his post-nap self struggling to set the hot chocolate down fast enough to free his hands to re-cast Disguise Self--how could he be so stupid, he needs to be normal for Lup--but Lup just puts a calming hand on his ankle. He figured she must have seen it briefly when he'd reunited with Kravitz, but he must have been slick enough to reapply before she looked too closely.

“You look good, bro-bro.” She puts her drink down and scoots closer so that their knees touch. “You’re still you.”

“Like that’s anything good,” Taako snorts, and judging by the look of distress on Lup’s face, that hadn’t been the right thing to say. He hates being out of step with her, but somewhere in between her dying and Taako living what felt like a lifetime not remembering she existed, they’d lost their sync.

He remembers a time when he wouldn’t even have to talk, Lup would already know what the problem was. Now, he’s sitting here, feeling inadequate and stupid and ugly in her presence and already going back into the bad mental place he’d been in this morning.

“Taako, you’re good ,” Lup says, taking hold of one of his hands and gently prying it out of the tight fist it had formed, stopping his nails from tearing into his palms where old scabs are still healing. “Can you tell me what’s going on? You’re starting to scare me.”

“It’s just.” There’s nothing in this entire living room area to distract Taako from the lump rising in his throat. Hasn’t he cried enough today? Damn. “We’re not identical anymore.”

“So?”

“I just want things to be normal again.”

She looks like she understands, but she also looks like she’s about to tell Taako something he doesn’t want to hear. Sure enough, she says, “Things are never going to be the way they used to be. Don’t you want to look different than your dorky older sister?”

“You’re only three minutes older, trucknut.” Despite the easy retort, Taako looks at her uncertainly, then clears his throat, slowly relaxing back onto the couch. “You...you were there during Wonderland, right? I mean. Uh. You heard all this happen. They took the only thing I had going for me.”

Lup seems like she’s finally figuring out something, and that something is probably the reason why Taako is terrified of being happy with Kravitz. She doesn’t offer up any rebuttal yet, so maybe she’s seeing the truth in what Taako’s saying. (He’s never been the favorite twin, after all.)

“I’m clingy and high-maintenance and mean and I’m not a good person,” Taako reaches for his ear to yank on, and Lup smoothly intercepts and pulls his hand away, just like she had a hundred years ago, “but he thinks I’m worth his time. I don’t want him to find out that I’m not.”

“Taako, I love you, but shut the fuck up.” Lup is dead serious, and Taako is intimidated into silence--she must have rolled insanely high on her check. “Kravitz is a grown-ass bone daddy and he can spend his time however he wants to. It might as well be with you, you’re a total catch.”

“Don’t call him that.” Taako wrinkles his nose.

“What? He is.” Lup puts Taako’s hot chocolate back into his hands and grins lopsidedly. “He really, really likes you. And he’s worried about you, I saw when Angus told us you weren’t feeling well. I don’t think any part of your personality could scare him away anyway, he’s the Grim Reaper.”

Conceding that point, Taako rolls his eyes. “I guess you’re right,” he mutters.

“Sorry, say that again?” Lup says, fluttering her eyelashes.

“Fuck off.” Taako hides his newfound smile in a big sip of his drink. He needs to confirm one more thing, though, so he steels himself and asks, “And what about you?”

“What about me, bubbeleh?”

“Are you going to get scared away by my ugly mug?”

Lup blinks rapidly, and Taako knows she’s mustering as much composure as she can to say “I wasn’t already, so not much chance of that now.”