Chapter Text

Life is ass when youre Louis Tomlinson. 

For a number of reasons. But the biggest part is his memory. It stings and thrashes like a whip stricking the inside of his head. It wont stop. And most days it just hurts but there are those days when time feels like a book. Its pages the long hours. Its words the minutes, each syllable a second of sadness, hate, and loath.

And today is one of those days.

Lets start from the beginning.

Is this feeling new? Why no ofcourse not. This feeling has been exploding through Louis for 4 years. 4 Long greuling years. And honetly it fucking hell. It started when he was just 13. He was new at achool he was ready, and walked through the doors with his signiture Louis Tomlinson smile. It didnt end well. Louis wasnt stupid. He knew the time frame society was in. You dont just go up to a random group of boys and say hi. No. You dont do it . But his stupid arse did it anyway.

They tore him apart.

No, not physically, although he could object with the bruises he came home with everyday. They tore him apart emotionally. The words that his ears swallowed made his skin burn and his bones numb. He remembers the words as if the were the color of his own eyes.

" Wierdo"
"Ugly"

"fat"

"Freak"

" Loner"

"Faggot"

And oh, those words did something to him. Broke him like a stick. He started to bealive in each word. Started seeing them on his skin. He was  done with himself. But there was one word he knew wasnt true. Faggot. No he was not gay. Therefore he wasnt a faggot. So with that one word brought hope to his eyes. Maybe what they said wasnt true. Maybe he wasnt ugly or fat. No. Because those kids said he was a faggot and hes not gay. So maybe he was none of those things. Yes.

He was not gay.

___________________

Louis was 14 when he realized he was gay.

He was out with his mom, food shopping when he seen a couple. A pretty girl with pretty blonde hair and pretty brown eyes and pretty lips. Pretty. And Louis did think she was pretty, but other than that he felt nothing. No. But he did feel his pants shift when he was looking at her boyfriend. And well.

Oh no.

Louis tried to tell himself, that his "friend" did that while he was looking at the girl. But. Deep down he knew the truth. And well.

He was gay.

_________________________________

Louis's first kiss wasnt with a boy though. It was with a girl.

It was a party and he was 15. Her name was Stacy and she moved her hips like waves. Every guy wanted her, but she only wanted Louis.  So Louis thought he was lucky. Might be welcomed into the crowd and become the thing he always wanted.

But Louis wasnt Lucky. no

Louis was gay.

That night she took him to her bedroom. And there, her lips found his. The kiss was to fast for him. Her lipstick tasted of dirt and "slut" Her hands roamed his body and scratches found his skin. It wasnt gentle no, not like Louis wanted it, and yea he seen plenty of pornos to know this is it. This is what guys and boys, wanted but no. Louis didnt want it. 

Louis was gay.

So he pushed her off and stood up his balance swinging and loopey from her on top of him.

" What" she gigled her voice a high pitch from the beer and smoke that was currtenly the life of the party. " You dont want me"" He stayed silent his eyes trained on the floor. The thuds of the tacky music making the walls shake as if they were laughing at Louis's embarasment.  Her laugh pierces through the room like a blade sliening the air. A sharp pain to Louis's ears. "What are you gay?" She giggles at the last part. But Louis doesnt. Louis hearts stop because yes. He knew  he was gay, but no. He never heard it out loud.

Then-

Then reality hits.

This party his stupid friend drove him to. This girl the, hottest girl in school and he just turned her down. He is gay and now its offical.

Her laugh stops. She stares at him, her eyes of green make loud currents wash through Louis;s head. " youre gay" shes still smile her eyes crinkle at the edged and she just smiles. Thats it.

Then she laughs. 

Loud and exploding and it huts Louis phsyically because hes tired and hes really had enough of this bitches laugh. " I-i" he doesnt finish. Instaead he runs out. Not stopping just keeps running until hes home. Until hes in his bed under his covers. Until hes away. Louis is gay.

He is gay. 

__________________________________________________________________

Louis is 15 when he makes his first cut.

Its the Monday after the party and a small bit of Louis hopes Stacy kept his secret to herself. Hey. Maybe if hes lucky they could be friends. Dont girls like having gay freinds. Yea. Itll be fine.

But it wasnt.

That day he came in and the eyes of devil were on him. Looks and snickers, death stare and words. "Thats him" " what a loser" "hes kind of ugly" " fuckin faggot" and yea. Louis is supposed to be used to this. for god sakes its been happening for 2 years, but it still stings.

Just like the first time.

And there stands Stacy. A jock on her arm and a smirk on her face. Her green eyes narrowed and her skin olive. She really is beautiful

But shes still a bitch.

Louis clutches his bag tight. His knuckles go white and he walks his head low. Through out the day they wont shut up. The " ewws" and "faggots" and " i hope you dies" they dont stop. During lunch someone draws a dick on his locker. "Suck it" it reads and wow. 

That really hurted. 

On they way home, Louis is jumped. The shoes of his attackers act like a paint bruch and they paint Louis's stomache, and his legs and his face. And the pain hurts, but Louis cant find his voice. A part of him feels like he deaserves this. He deserves this. 

" Faggot"

Then theyre gone.

Louis lays on the sidewalk. The cars of unknown figures pass by. Not stopping or even realizeing that Louis.

Louis just broke.

He gets home, his house empty. His mother and sisters out food shopping, his father...well lets not discuss that. Hes home. He should be happy but. Something is different. Vey different. The voices that he hears at school, they dont stop.

Theyre still here. 

So Louis does the only thing he can think of.

He screams.

He screams till his voice is raw. till his once sweet voice sounds horse. Till his lungs feels like they collasped and then. He cuts.

The razor blade of his shaving box. He takes one, washes it off and presses it to his wrist. And well.

Pain.

But he doesnt stop. He cant he keeps going until his wrist are painted red until it almsot looks.

Pretty

so very pretty.

So Louis goes to bed without eating, with a throbbing wrist, and broken eyes.

And well,

Louis is still gay.

_________________________________________________________

Louis finds Liam and Nail when hes 16.

They were both new to school Niall from Ireland and Liam from Wolverhampton. Naill sits next to Louis in algebra. And well he says hi.

"Hi" 

His accent sounds like ice. But its the good kind like a june day in California, and Louis decides he likes it. Hes about to say hello back ( for some stupid reason) when Rayn, Stacys jock speaks for him, his brown eyes narrow. " You really want to sit next to him" " Hes a faggot and look how fat he is"  Really. Louis thinks, was the fat part needed? But Louis keeps his thoughts to himself.

He always does. 

Naill studies him. The color of his eyes makes Louis addicted and he already knows whats coming.

"Faggot"

But its not a spit, or a drag it doesnt sound hateful, nor angry. Its more like a question. " Hasnt your mother taught you to not use bad words" Louis looks up. And well.

Naill is standing his fist clenched and his once soft blue eyes have gone icy.

The bad kind.

Rayn looks a but taken back but regains his control. " Whatever, youre probably gay to, fuckin losers" By now the whole class is on them the teachers back but he doesnt say anything as well, just stares. 

Figures, Louis thinks. 

" Im not gay, but Im also not a simpled minded fucktard like you." And well

Louis smiles.

By then the teacher does step in and he gives both boys a warning but Louis can see the smile hes trying to hide, Louis thinks he likes him agian. Rayn does nothing after that. Just dirty looks and if Nialls not there a smack on Louis's face. But hes okay with that.

Louis has a friend, and his name is Niall.

________________________________________________________________________

Naill has a friend and his name is Liam.

Louis meets him at lunch Naill decided to eat Lunch with Louis (" I dont care what people say, in case you havent notice I dont really respect their opinion") And somehow Liam finds them with a "Oi!! thanks for the memo" And Louis laugh because Liams brown eyes tell stories, the good kind, the funny ones like getting stuck in the bathroom or hiding in your best friends locker to scare them and Louis's never did any of those. But he can feel the feeling just from Liam's eyes.

Louis and Liam just click. 

That day theyre a little akward but the next Liam is laying his head on Louis lap, the warthm of his body cascades through Louis and for the first time, Louis has friends and they like for who he is. But still.

Louis is gay.

___________________________________________________________________

Naill and Liam finds out Louis self harms just two weeks later. Louis is hot in the gym. ( Its gotten to cold to eat outside) so he removes his sweater, forgettening to put on braclets. And Liam sees. Niall, numbly stares as Liam mouth hangs. And Louis feels the tears and hears the furture. But nothing happens.

" How long?" Liam askes, reaching for Louis's tiny delicate arm. He brushes his finger over the old (and new) ones while Louis answers.

" One year" 

Louis is afriad and the voices comes back.

" fucking fag, youre just an attention whore, thats all theyre gonna think"

But Naill and Liam just hug him.

" I dont know why, but Lou, I love you more than my brother" Naill mumurs in his shirt and that has Louis laughing and rolling down the isle. Liams shaking his head a Niall moves to get before he falls and yea they talk about it later that day. And yea Naill wants to fucking lose it, and hurt everyone who made Louis do this to himself and yea Liam gives Naill his last back a crisp to calm him down but no.

Louis will never forget that.

And well,

Here we are. 

A tuesday night and Louis is laying fetal positon in his bed, the voices scream at him because you know why?

Louis is gay.

So he gets up and goes to the bathroom, he walks in and shuts the door.

I think you know what happened after that.

Its not like Liam and Niall just ignored this. They told him pleanty of times that he should talk to someone, ( " what about your mum Lou, she knows nothing about this- no") once niall even threaten to take him to the hospital after he'd been caught going to deep. So he did what any person in his postion would do.

He moved to his thighs.

Yes, he hates lying to the boys but he doesnt know how to stop. Hes become so obsessed with the pain, the realief the blade gives even for a moment. He has no other escape and he love the boys like his own blood, but even they cant stop it. 

After hes finished he takes a shower gets dressed and without any dinner, he goes to bed.

______

It is morning and fuck Louis hates mornings. He stares at the window the sky of England has written itself to looks pale and numb. The skies look as if theyre watching Louis.  Louis imagines the hells about to go through because now.

Summer is over,

school starts

fuck his life.

He gets up after 20 minutes and takes a quick shower. He gets dressed in some black jeans, a band tee shirt ( the fray because yes, hes inlove) a grey beanie because no he is not fixing his hair and some white vans.

Skipping breakfast, he hurries out the door. Liam already outside. He gets in the back ( not having energy to fight with Niall over shot gun) and smiles.

" Lou" " Leeyum" he smiles, knowing Liam hates it ( he secretly loves) 

" Lewisssss" Liam rolls his eyes as Louis maskes a dramatic face. " Oi! you know the rules Payne" " And so do you" he giggles. The rest of the time is spent in a comfortable silence the crappy music on the radio playing softly in the background. And yea, this comfortable silence is ruined ( happily and lovingly) by Niall curses.

" Fucking hell, these stupid cunts gotta make school so god damn early, little fuckers do this on purpose" He mutters and yea, Liam and Louis are laughing because a morning Niall is the best. "Morning sunshine" Louis giggles and Niall winks at him in the mirror. This is normal, the flirting and teasing between Niall and Louis. He doesnt really know when it happened it just did.

The rest of car ride exist of Niall complaining, Liams groaning, and Louis giggling. So yea everythings okay, but in a way its not.

Louis is still gay.

He pushes that out of his mind ( only at night Louis dont let it show, only at night) and walks through the doors with his mates. The dirty look he gets seem to have more hatred than before. Niall clutches his hand and for a moment everything sizzles.

A moment.

Their lockers are close. Not as close as Louis wants them but...close, they have most classes together but not as much a Louis wants it but...a couple. His first class of the day is Algerba which Louis hates but whatever.

Walking in hes met with the smell of cheap perfume, axe, cigerettes, and high pitched laughing. Stacy. Great. Rayn. Well fuck. He hurries to his corner their eyes oblivious to him (thank godness) and sits. Hes quiet and really wishes Liam and Niall were here. Taking out his notebook he gets ready. Hes quiet and the teacher isnt here so he waits drawing and humming quietly to hiself. 

Then he comes.

And no, its not Rayn or Stacy or any of those kids who are so bleached and pales he doesnt remember their names. Its a boy. 

And hes tall as hell.

" Is anybody gonna sit here" He motions to the seat to the left of Louis and no. Louis wants no one next to him. But the boy is tall and can act like a sheild for Louis, unseen and unthought of just the way he likes it.

So he shakes his head. 

"No you can sit" Jesus! why does his voice sound so horse? Was he screaming again. He doesnt remember. The boy simles and takes the seat next to him. "Thanks" A few beats of akward silence and boy Louis really wishes the teacher were here. Finally, he speaks again.

"'M Harry" Louis looks up to shut down whatever "this" is and well

Oh.

Hes just a little...perfect. His hair is curly and wild, a kind of quirky quiff going on. His lips are sinfully pink and full pulled back into a grin. Louis can even make out the dimples. But its the eyes, that get him. Theyre green. Not like Stacy's green but...green. A jade color and for some reason Louis just feels summer.

The boy- Harry stares and Louis feels the voices clawing back in. Looks like he can see your fat, fag, why didnt you bring a jacket idiot. "L-Louis" He answers. "Louis" Harry tries out. He smile full-blown and no. He shouldnt be allowed to do that.

Louis can slowly start to feel himself memorizing the features, the little things that is Harry. 

And he likes it. 

But.

" Hey faggot" A nameless kid walks by flipping all of Louis's things on the ground. 

Louis is gay. 

And Harry isnt.

Louis can feel the tears, can feel the itching in his skin. The voices screams louder and he feels sick.

Oh boy you"ve done it now, fuck up. Hes going to turn you down and your ugly ass deserves it, why the hell did you even speak, youre  just another person on his list of rejections.

Breathing hard he lowers to the ground to pick everything up. Thats when a big hand comes into his vison picking up some of the things. " You dont have to do that, he breathes out trying to calm down. Calm down Louis please just brethe. "No its cool I want to help".

Louis doesnt meet his eyes. He cant. He suddenly want Harry to leave not wanting another rejection. Rip it off like a band-aid Lou. So he does.

"Im gay"

Harry looks up, the things on the floor long forgotten and Louis really wants to break out of this trance, fearing people are watching but he cant, he cant move.

" Im gay"

WHAT.  Louis feels naushas and the bile in his stomche starts bubbling. His vision blurry and sweat is forming on his forehead. "I-i-i" Harry stares. Just stares " Are you okay Lou?" LOU. He gets to call him that? No he cant he-

Louis runs out of the classroom, making it just in time to the toilets. There he throws up. He has no idea what hes throwing up, he rarley eats but he cant stop. Finally Louis is done dry-heaving as he slides to the dirty floor.

Louis is gay.

And Harrys gay too.

Chapter Text

Louis sits on the floor for 20 minutes. 

The loud sounds of the faucet; the quiteness suddenly becomes music, and Louis hates it. His mind feels of a storm. Thoughts sting and rain through his skull, the sudden realization of how the events played out.

And.....what.

The bell for first period rings soon after and Louis thinks yea, he should get up. He doesnt ever think he can face Harry again, more so talk to him. But Louis is still confused as ever. Yea he knows why he told Harry. But why did Harry tell him, matter of fact is it even true. Maybe Harry saw Louis as some sad story and just tried to make him feel better. He seemed nice enough. He's probably laughing at Louis right now.

Yes, laughing.

They all laugh Lou, they all know youre nothing but a show, they can end and start with their words.

So Louis makes his mind up. Harry was joking. And now that Louis thinks about, Harry has already moved on. Already heard what everyone thinks about him.

And hes already disgusted.

Louis sighs, he renises his mouth out and hopes his little episode is forgetten by third period. Now he has writing. And Louis likes to write. Hes been pretty good with it ever since this sad feeling came to him. He also has that class with Liam so yea.

Everything is ok.

Louis left his bag in the class. 

And well shit. He hopes by now Harry left, hopes hes not the type of guy to keep it just to make fun of Louis to his face.

Wouldnt see a reason why not...you deserve it.

But no. When Louis walks through the door, Harry isnt there. But worse.

Stacy.

She sits on Louis's desk, her legs crossed (for the first time) and staring numbly out the window. And in a way she almost looks...calm.

She turns at the sound of his footsteps and yea, Louis's preapered for the words for...the hate but no. She just stares. Not like the party 2 years before. Just a blank stare. Her eyes green with a feeling Louis cant quite place.

She holds up his bag. As if to answer the question Louis was thinking.

"Forgot something, Sherlock" Fuck. " T-t-thanks" Louis (cautiuosly) steps to her gently (even if he wanted to yank it) taking his bag from her manicured fingers. He turns to leave when she speaks again.

" How was your summer?"

"Shouldnt you be in class" He gulps at his sudden fearless question, turning to face her but no. She doesnt look angry, only smug.

" Could say the same for you...but oh, wait I already know" Her voice rings with the light venom and yea Louis is scared shitless. " I should be going"

"You know the real reason no one likes you"

Ouch

Louis keeps walking. Suddenly his desk and the door seem miles and miles apart. 

"Well, for me that is"

Almost there.

"Because youre to easy"

He stops.

Turning around with the look of cluesless, Louis stands there.

Stacy is no longer looking at him but back at the window. " I mean yea, Im not a big fan of gays but my cousin is one so I could give two shits about it, but its the way you react. Its almost as if you...agree with us. And I hate people who lack a backbone and Louis...you have no backbone."

I know

Silence.

She turns and looks at him. " That party I-i cant forget that look on your face, you looked like a scared child. Looking like a...I dont even know and I hated it." But no Stacy is laughing.

She always is.

"Okay" Is all Louis says and begins to walk away when her voice comes back. 

"Be nice to Harry for me, he insited to stay back and wait for you but I thought I should do it." "You know" Stacy gets up walking towards Louis and no. He did not flinch. She just keeps walking giggling at his action. 

"We have more history" Then

Then shes gone.

__________________________________________

The rest of the day goes by in blurs of notebooks and pens. Hes exhausted and its only the first day. 

Louis eats lunch with Niall and Liam outsie. Harry is no where to be found. Stacy doesnt talk to him the rest of the day.

Its okay.

Louis is ok.

When Louis gets home hes not okay. 

His stomache feels like its clawing at his back. (He only at an apple; he wasnt hungry) And his eyes burn from the air. He has a disgusting taste in his mouth and his throat feels raw. More or so, it sucks. But other than the akward and somewhat wierd talk with Stacy, and the usaual names and joke. The felt normal.

Well, Louis's normal.

So no, Louis doesnt cut. But he doesnt feel good either.

After a much needed shower and homework, his phone rings just revel a pictue of Niall he took at Mcdonalds once. Hes half sleep ( they stole Liams parents beers) with french fry hanging out of his mouth and no. Niall has no idea it exist. (shh)

Louis picks up with a soft "hello"

" I hate school"

I hate myself

"What happened"

" Hi guys!!"

" Liam please, Im trying to complian and youre fucking it up with your happienes. go get hit by a car or something"

"Bye guys"

"Liam stay"

"Ha!"

"Fuck you"

" Niall why are you so grumpy?" Louis is a giggling mess by the time they get back to the topic. He can always count on them to take his mind off of the bad things.

Most of the time

" Some new kid took my favorite lab seat and now I have to sit up from with Mr. Holland, and let me tell you he's a spitter" Liam laughs and Louis cant understand what Niall said to him but it only has Liam laughing more. "Who is he?" Louis asks.

" I dont know, but he was wearing a leather jacket, I mean come on its september who the hell wears a leather jacket in summer, fucking twit" Louis giggles at that and Liam cuts in "Oh yea I think I know who youre talking about his name is...I forgot but his last name is Malik...he's kinda cute." 

"Oh gross! I cant take it with you gay people!"

" Im not gay- oh yea right!" Louis stays silent. Now thinking about it...Liam never had a girlfriend, never a crush, nothing. Louis cuts in to silence them. "Liam...are you gay?"

Hes 100% serious but Niall is choking and Louis is pretty sure hes on the floor right now. " I-i-i- HE IS!!! Holy shit Leeyum!" Niall screams and Louis would punch him in his chest if he were here. " I dont know maybe?" " AWWWWWW-bye"

Liam hangs up.

Liam is gay.

And yea Louis should feel better but...why doesnt he? His thoughts are interuppted by Niall.

Always Niall.

" How was your day?" Hes calmed down now but he still seems a little out of breath. Louis smiles at that. 

"It was cool"  He decides to leave it out these events: he's too tired to disuss it. "No one said anything to you did they"

"Niall" Louis groans.

"What! Youre my best mate and you dont deserve half the shit they put you through"

"Im a big boy I can handle it" Lies

so much lies

"No, youre a petit boy whos too sweet for this town"

And oh. Louis blushes.

"I should get going Niall" Niall is quiet.

"Yea, okay I-I'll see you tomorrow"

Louis hangs up with a light stomache and a clouded mind.

_________________________________________________________________

That night Louis thinks way to much, but thats never new.

He thinks about Liam and why does he feel a little...scared that he's gay.

He thinks about Stacy and why she told him this new found information.

He thinks about Niall and now...all the complianments he gives Louis daily; suddenly they arent so innocent.

But finally.

Harry

Stacy's cousin Harry and the fact that he told him he was gay to. The fact that he helped picked up his books. The fact that he said hi.

Harry said "Hi"

And Louis said "Hi" back

And oh. Louis blushes.

"I should get going Niall" Niall is quiet.

"Yea, okay I-I'll see you tomorrow"

Louis hangs up with a light stomache and a clouded mind.

_________________________________________________________________

That night Louis thinks way to much, but thats never new.

He thinks about Liam and why does he feel a little...scared that he's gay.

He thinks about Stacy and why she told him this new found information.

He thinks about Niall and now...all the complianments he gives Louis daily; suddenly they arent so innocent.

But finally.

Harry

Stacy's cousin Harry and the fact that he told him he was gay to. The fact that he helped picked up his books. The fact that he said hi.

Harry said "Hi"

And Louis said "Hi" back

Chapter Text

Harry met Zayn when they were 6.

Zayn had just moved in across the street and Harry's mum Anne was set on meeting them. Dragging Robin and Harry with her they went. 

And well, Harry's really lucky she did.

Harry and Zayn, became well.

HarryandZayn

They didnt talk much at first and even now, at times they remain silent but in a kind of way their silences is spoken and loud.

So Harry is okay with his life, even if he was 6 and didnt know how to spell Zayn the correct way.

~~~~~~~~************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry was defintly was okay when he realized he was gay. 

I mean yea, when you realize youre somthing that you thought you wernt youd lose your mind for a second. But Harry.

He was always chill.

A go with the flow kind of guy. He was taught to not judge others by who they are but what they do. So Harry was cool with being gay.

So were his parents. He would beg to differ with his father (never really was a nice person) But Robin was his father atleast thats what he told people. 

He never really remembered how his parents told him they were getting a divorce. 

He didnt really think about it as a bad thing. because "mommy and daddy would yell and cry when I was upstairs so if it not makes you cry...its ok". 

He didnt learn until the age of 12 that his father was meaner than he looks.

But thats for another day.

Anyway.

When he told his parents they only smiled and told him how proud they were that he was brave for telling them. 

When he told Zayn...he didnt even blink.

So yea..Harry was cool and still...ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~**************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

High school wasnt as bad as Harry thought.

Yea there were the once in the while comments and scowls but nothing from the people he cared about. Everything stayed the same and...

He even had a boyfriend.

His name was Luke. Blonde hair and blue eyes.

They were together since Harry's freshman year. 

Harry even lost his virginity to him but..shhhhhhh thats a secret.

Zayn was still Zayn quiet, awkward, and a poker face. But no...they didnt lose anything.

Turns out Zayn liked girls and boys. So yea things were cool.

~~~~~~~~~~~*************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anne told Harry they were moving 3 months ago.

And well Harry..

Harry was pissed.

" What!" He screamed his voice ice and January combined. 

"We-We cant" He shook his head his hearts thumping like a drum bones shaking and all he could think about was 

Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke

" Darling" Anne stood up and walked over. He could smell home and cinnomon on her.

Home.

"Its nothing bad just down to Doncaster for a few months." "Your aunt needs us right now, and I think we should get away a bit...  DONT!" He pulled off of her.

Its not fair not fair at all his life his Luke his everything!!

"What about Zayn?"- "What about me" Zayn slips through the door his signiture leather jacket clings to his body as the October air spills through the door he walked through. 

"Mum wants to move, and I dont think its fair since you moved in with us so you wouldnt have to move."

"Nahh Im good with moving"

"Fuck you Zayn" 

"HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sorry"

"When do we leave."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~***************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry told Luke a week later.

"We could run away" "I got like 300 saved up thats enough right? and you could become a male stripper you always did have good legs"

"I dont think so Harry"

"Fine, youre right your legs are quite short Ill be the stripper."

Smack.

"I deserved that"

"You did"

"We could still run away" Harry looked up. It was always Luke and now his mum just expected him to just...leave.

"I would love to but I think we should not" Luke licked his lips. His lip ring shinning from the spit and oh...Luke was hot.

"Well what do we do, Doncaster so far away?"

Luke's neck turned towards the playground swings "I think" He lifts his arm around Harry and gives a soft kiss to his neck.

"We should wait till you get back" But...no

No no no no no no no no.

"But I dont want to wait or leave or not see your face everyday" Harry could feel the lump clawing at his throat. 

"Hey, hey dont cry come on Styles" Luke chuckled life Harrys chin with his hand.

"Ill wait for you and I know youll wait for me...everything will be okay, love I promise"

And a promise is a promise.

Luke and Harry have sex that night. For the 5th time in Harrys life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~***************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry never liked Stacy. For a number of reasons actually.

1.)  Stacy wears to much makeup and it gets on Harrys shirts when they hug.

2.) Stacy has green eyes as well...and people say hers are prettier. Well theyre not!

3.) Stacy is homophobic.

After learning Harry was gay she never spoke to him, only about him and yea Harry should be Happy but she is his ride to school so now...its a bus.

To sum it up.

Harry was miserable. 

Zayn was fine, poker faced as usual but he missed his friends just like Harry.

And Harry missed Luke.

They talked and texted and skyped and what not but no. It didnt matter because if Harry couldnt kiss Luke.

It wasnt a good day.

So Harry got up. Got dressed in whatever was on the floor, took an apple and went to the bus stop. He would wake up Zayn but Zayn was mean in the mornings...something no one wanted to face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*********************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry had only 2 classes with Zayn 1 with Stacy and the rest....fuck.

Walking into world algebra at 8 in the morning Harry shoulders slumped when he saw Stacy. All desks next to her filled all eyes on him.

Rolling his eyes he kept walking. 

Seat...seat...seat...seat...Hello

Sitting to the right corner sat a boy. But oh it wasnt a boy. It was like an angel or somthing. 

He could see much because his head was down but he could see small legs. Feathered hair and golden skin.

And to Harry...that was an angel.

Walking over he cleared his throat. Fingers shaking he spoke.

"Is anybody gonna sit here" "That is so rude really Harry"  Harry thinks. 

The boy looks up. And well blue eyes.

Blue eyes.

Harry was always a sucker to blue.

"No you can sit"

Harry sits down his legs to big for the desk and his bag by his foot. Say something idiot

something

something

anything

"'M Harry"

face palm

The boy looks back up and his eyes go wide for a second but dimmer down to his dull look.

"L-Louis" 

"Louis" Harry says. He likes it fits him well.

" Hey faggot"

What

Louis's books are pushed to the ground and Harry swears he hears his heart shatter and fist clench because no. Thats not nice.

Louis takes a shuddery breath and slides to the floor, he begans to pick things up his delacte hand shakes like hes cold.

Harry goes to the floor to help him.

" You dont have to do that" Yes I do.

"No its cool I want to help". Harry smiles but Louis is looking down, hes about to tell him to shake it off but.

"Im gay"

Harrys heart speeds up and his stomache tingles. Whats going on with me?

And no, Harrys never felt so nervous or anxious not even with Luke,

" Im gay"

Damn Harry 

"I-i-i" 

Shit, I fucked up fucked up.

" Are you okay Lou?" Lou! Where did that come from!!??

Then.

Louis gets up and runs. The room dies down and the teacher seems calm and normal.

The class laughs and snickers and everything goes back to normal.

What kind of place is this?

Harry stands and picks Louis's things up setting it down on the desk and remains silent the class countinues but Louis never comes back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**************************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The minutes tick like days and Harrys fingers drip sweat and anxiety.

Louis is not back and the bell rings like a siren exploding through Harry's ears. 

He doesnt get up.

"Youre gonna be late, styles" Stacy voice cuts.

"Im waiting for Louis- I- to give him his bag I mean" Harry looks down he hears Stacy wishper a  "figures" and looks back up.

"What?"

"Nothing...let me give it to him yea?"

Harry pulls Louis's bag closer (yea he and Louis's bag are friends now). 

"I get the feeling you two arent very friendly" Harry stands and he expects Stacy to laugh because its Stacy.

And she does.

"You dont know anything about me or Louis or even this town, so why dont you move it along Harry boy and leave this to the adults."

And yea he striaght up wants to sock the bitch in the face but hes a gentleman and doesnt.

Not in the mood for an agrument (whos ever in the mood to battle a Stacy??) He gives her the bag and turns to leave. 

But before leaving he turns and stares at her.

"Whats his full name?"

"Wouldnt you like to know"

"Stacy"

"Louis William Tomlinson"

They stare as the beats of silence stir between them. 

"Make sure he's ok"

"Whatever"

Harry turns back around and walks down the hallways he has french next but hes to busy focusing on the boy.

Why is he so addicted and anxious?

He hadnt spoken 20 words and he cant get him out.

 Everything about him seems so... Hell Harry doesnt even know.

He wishes Luke was here he would calm him down but at the same time. How would he need calming down from his somewhat boyfriend about a guy thats stuck in his head?

Harrys head feels like a rollercoaster. Like a basketball was just unleashed in his brain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****************************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Harry gets home Stacy is still gone and Zayn is eating fruitloops.

"Hey"

"Hi"

"How was yours"

"Ass"

"mine too"

"His name is Louis"

"His name is Liam"

"Wanna play fifa"

"Sure but can we play Russian roulette first"

"Nahh mate I lost my glock"

"Well damn"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night after some time with Luke.

Harry thinks over his day.

He got lost 6 times.

His lunch tasted like cement.

And he realized how mean kids were.

But mostly he met another boy with blue eyes.

Except 

His skin was gold, his lips were pink and his hair was brown.

He met a boy name Louis.

And Harry was okay with that.

Chapter Text

The next time Louis sees Harry its back in Algebra. 

The world seems stuck in grey again and the cars passing by ignore both the wonders and horrors that exsit in this school. If it was up to Louis he would rather be hit by those cars than to get through another year here. 

At first Louis hopes that Harry forgot their last encounter hes even praying that Harry forgets him in genreal and he could have his corner to himself again but.

Harry isnt that type of guy.

Louis firgured that out when he refused to stop helping pick up his books and from what Stacy had told him.

He remembers Stacy and looks for her, finding her easily. 

But its different. Shes staring at him first her piercing green eyes roaming all over him and Louis feels very...uncomfortable. 

She always did that to him.

He shakes it off and countines walking. And there sits Mr. Styles.

Long legs folded under the table. His eyebrows scrunched in thought and lips in a thin line and if Louis wasnt so nervous and couldnt feel his heart beating his rib cage, he would say he looks kinda sexy like that.

Whoa.

Yea Louis just said that and now he almost cant escape the thought.

He starts thinking even more in depth about Harrys face and he cant help but to let those thoughts roam a little more further. Hes a 17 year old boy.

Sue him.

"Hey"

Louis suddenly feels exahusted and wonders if its to late to skip school. But Harrys eyes are glued to his and he can even feel Stacy staring holes into his back so he is thinking yes.

It is too late.

"Hi" Louis takes his seat and hopes thats the end of their conversation but it seems Louis just cant  get what he wants to say out of his head. Hes always holding back and right now his brain is pulling strings on a sentence he wants to get out. So Louis. Brave Louis speaks. 

"Look im sorry about yesterday I- "why are you sorry"?

Louis looks taken back to Harrys question and the same to Harry with Louis's apology.

"Because I probably looked extremely crazy and I didnt mean to scare you or worry you or anything like that"

Duhh.

But by the 5th word Harry is already shaking his head eyes closed and jaw set.

There goes those thoughts again.

"No I wasnt scared and you didnt look crazy, but I was worried but not for the reasons im guessing youre thinking of." Harry looks so honest it hurts and his eyes suddenly turn an even more green color while he talks.

Wow he is beautiful.

The two stare at eachother until the bell rings bringing them back to reality and tearing them away from their thoughts. And while class goes on the two stare blankly at the board.

Louis feels like this class is never going to end.

And he may or may not be happy.

******************************________________*******************************

Liams head hurts like a bitch.

For a number of reasons actually. One does include Nialls non stop babbling about some new band he just found.And another on the pretty boy who is currently sitting behind him.

 Zayn.

Liam hates that the new kid sits behind him because he just cant focus. He feels self-conscious almost like he can hear Zayn name off unattractive things on him. But what could he possibly say?

Hes got an ugly... neck?

Liam feels stupid and he wants to go home and sleep. He and his friends conversation the day before still fresh in his mind.

Is he gay?

No. Maybe he is just gay for Zayn.

That makes sense...right?

Liam is hoping it does because right now life is being terribly confusing.

"And the lead singer name is Vic oh god his voice sounds like choclate or maybe pizza, Li how does pizza sound?"

"liam"

"Liam"

"liam"

"LEEEEEEEEEEYUMMMMM"

The whole class stops in pause and all eyes are on the two. Liam now realizes what happened.

He turns a rose color while Niall just shruggs at the teachers scolding.

"You both have one more time"

Liam apologies over and over again while Niall says a simple sorry and goes back to writing the bands name over and over again into his notebook.

"You moron stop that!" Liam wishpers shouts.

"What! get off my back woman!"

"Im not a woman but if I was Im telling you right now your back would be the last I would be on"

"...what?"

"Your mom"

And yea Liam feels proud of that come back no matter how stupid it is. He feels especially proud when he hears a deep snicker from behind him.

He spoken not one word to Zayn but he knows its coming from him.

He doesnt turn around either but he is dieing to just to see if his face can get more beautiful than it already is.

Niall rolls his eyes and turns around to Zayn. Liam almost dies when he does.

"Your mom, really mate that was so funny?"

And Liam expects Zayn to say some snarky ass comment because it just seems like Zayn but instead Zayn laughs.

"It is coming from someone who says it in a proper grammar."

And Niall nods turning back around. Not at all fazed by Liams jaw dropping stare. 

He takes his notebook out and writes a note.

 You two have spoken before????

He obviously adds a lot of exclamation points to show how shocked and upset he is.

Niall takes one look at it rolls his eyes and then goes to write.

We have maths together

Liam reads it and looks at Niall. How could he just not tell his best friend that he has class with his best friends new obbsession.

Prick.

Is all he writes down and yea he does feel a little offended when Nialls response is a booming laugh. And yea he hates Niall because now they both have detention on Thursday. But at the same time he can hear another deep chuckle from Zayn and yea he thinks.

Not bad.

************************_______________________________****************************

Louis is thankful when the bell signaling the end of class rings he stands up quick and grabs his bag, ready for an easy escape, but Harry. 

Harry talks slow.

But Harry moves fast.

"Why do I get the feeling you still want to apologies" He says. Keeping up with Louis's quick pace the two are out of the classroom before anyone else gets up.

"Maybe because I do" Louis murmurs eyes trained on the hallways walls. Its getting ridiculous on how hard Louis has to try to avoid  Harrys eyes. Hes use to avoiding everyone eyes but he finds that with this guy its twice as hard.

"Why? You did nothing wrong- "i have to go." Louis is almost out but Harry isnt going for it. "How about at lunch then?"

huh

"Im sorry?" Louis has to know if he heard that right.

"Lunch? If you feel like you owe me an apology, I owe you a sandwhich." He does a little nervous laugh at the end with his head tilting a little and its almost like a puppy.

Louis is shaking his head." Im a vegan".

"A salad than?"

The fuck man?

"Please." Harry is doing that thing again. Where his eyebrows scrunch together and his lips in a line. Its as if hes thinking but what is he thinking about. Is he regreting it already.

Ofcourse he is.

Stop.

Louis stares. He doesnt know what to say. Every fiber in his body is telling him no. Every part except his mouth. Which seems dry and tasteless as the time grows longer. 

People stumble between them. Some confused to why theyre standing there like a couple of dorks. Others curse at them for being in their way but Louis is still looking at Harry and Harry is still looking at the floor.

At this rate Louis is gonna be late to writing and thats the only class he cares about. He cant do it. He just cant. 

"No."

And if Harry doent move an inch and still stays in that frozen position Louis doesnt notice. Because hes already gone. Already half way to lit.

And in all honesty he feels like complete shit.

********************************______________________________*******************************

Nialls about half sleep in his chair and Liams doodling in his notebook when Louis walks into writing.

"Did I miss something?"

"Yea my happiness train, it left about 30 minutes ago"

"Oh shut it Liam" Niall grumbles. Maybe he was awake. Who knows, who cares?

"I WILL NOT!"

"okay.." Louis giggles because what is going on.

"Do you know Niall has a new friend? hmm and guess who that friend is?"

"Zayn"

"ZAy-...fuck you too"

"We have gym together."

"IS EVERYBODY BUDDY BUDDY WITH HIM EXCEPT FOR ME?!" Liam deflates and its kind of the cutes thing in the world. Louis takes a seat in the middle- its usally like this because Liam and Niall fight like crazy in the morning- and pats Liam back.

"If it makes you feel anybetter we only spoken like 5 words. I counted" And no Louis knows it wont make a difference but maybe it would to Liam.

He's wrong.

"It doesnt. I mean I cant say anything to him without feel like hes judging me or something."

Join the club

"Oh"

"Yea. I just wish I had a chance to say something but who knows if I would be feeling brave like I am right now."

"You wont have to know" 

They both turn to Niall who is currently half dead on the table, face pressed against the desk and blonde hair a hot mess. Key word is "hot".

Louis like to think.

"What do you mean?" Liam asks.

"He's eating lunch with us today."

"WHAT!" And usally Niall's head wouldnt snap up for Liam screaming. But it would for Louis who screeched just as loud.

"The bloody hell is with you two and loudness at 9 in the morning?" He sits back as Mrs. Lee the writing teacher makes her way to the front.

Both Louis and Liam are in shock but for 2 totally different reason.

Zayn is gonna be in front of Liam this time and not the other way around and that scares the shit out of him.

And Whenever Zayn is there, Harrys there too. 

And that scares even more shit out of Louis.

************************************************_______________________________****************************************

Well lunch comes around faster than what Louis wanted it to. 

The whole morning hes been preparing himself for whats in store, and he doesnt know if its gonna be good since Louis did turn Harry down for the sandwhich and now hes gonna have to eat a sandwhich in front of him.

Did that make sense.

No.

Sorry. It never does.

Louis sits outside. Hes the only one here right now and in a way he feels relaxed. His mind for once stopped going and his body feels complely numb and he likes that its numb.

He wishes he could feel numb sometimes.

He's awkoken by Zayn. Who surprisingly isnt wearing a jacket but a black tight shirt that makes him look even more badass.

"Am I ruining something?" He asks and though there is no smile on his face Louis knows its a joke and cant help but to giggle.

Zayns cool.

He likes Zayn.

"Actually you are but if I kicked you out I dont think Liam would like me anymore"

"Good to know guess im lucky for Liam then because its hot as hell and there is no other shaded area"

Zayn takes a seat next to Louis and the two have a mindless conversation about gym class.

It all comes down when Niall and Liam arrived.

''Get out of my seat." Is Niall's only salutation.

"uhhhh...nah" Is Zayns only response. So in the end Niall sits on Louis's left and Liam sits on Zayns right and in a way it feels the complete same. 

But then.

Harry.

And oh thats right before Zayn came and the tree relaxation Louis was freaking out because he just turned him down in a bitchy manner.

Fuck

Harry doent really make his apperence known. Not in the way Stacy would, Louis cant help but to think. He just sits down and joins in on the conversation like hes been there since the start and Louis cant help but to really like that.  It goes pretty normal.

Well

As normal as it could be. which means Liam staring at Zayn like a dumb daydreamer, Zayn not caring or not noticing. Niall being Niall which...cant really be describe and Harry avioding Louis and Louis avoiding Harry.

Normal.

Normal.

Normal.

It all seems fine right when Niall goes back for seconds and Liam following along. (His Zayn plan isnt really working) And Louis being left alone with Zayn and Harry.

dammit

Zayn just stares in between the two fuly aware of whats going on and probobaly having more knowledge about it than the two combined.

"Im taking a walk" And he simply gets up and leaves.

"Open book he is" And Louis regrets saying it the minute it comes out.

"Yea"

Its awkward again but not the awkward Louis is use to with Harry. Not the kinds cute and wierd awkward that kind of fills in the blank words they couldnt find. But an awkward that is taking away each word they think of to say.

So Harry surprises Louis. He takes out a sandwhich and gives it to Louis. Except its not a sandwhich.

But a salad. And Louis wants to throw himself over an edge.

"I know you didnt want it but you have nothing and look hungry."

"Oh. thanks"

"Cool shirt" Is Harrys only response. Then Niall and Liam come back, bringing  reality with them and some more ketchup packets Zayn comes back and this time him and Niall switch seats and Louis may be the only one but he could hear the little grumble groan Liam makes when Niall takes Zayns spot and gives him a wet kiss on the cheek. Louis giggles and Zayn tells Louis hes not allowed to giggle anymore because its to adorable and that brings up an agrument on why its not fair everyone has to sit and listen to Louis's adorable giggling- Louis didnt even know he giggled that much- and when its Harrys turn to say something he looks Louis in the eyes and says simply. 

"It is to cute"

And oh.

Louis feels nice. And he hasnt felt nice in a really long time.

Chapter Text

To say things changed after that lunch period would be an understatment and a lie all in the same way.

Nothing really changed,

but everything did.

Zayn and Harry fell into the group easily, not really asking to hang out but just sitting down where ever the three were. And Niall, Liam, even Louis didnt mind the two's wild courage. They seemed perfectly capable of hanging with kids who were more...social than the three. But they didnt. They seem to not care and well.

That was something Louis always needed.

So the three said nothing about their apperences and would only welcome the two in with a simple question or statement about the conversation. And that would be that.

So in a way Harry and Zayn. Became Louis's other backbones.

And that scared the shit out of him.

Because niether boys knew of Louis's past and present. Niether knew the state of mind he found himself in everynight. Niall and Liam did. But those two didnt.

But he welcomed them in anyway.

There were those times when Louis wondered if it would be good to tell them but at the same time. 

It was none of their business.

So Louis kept it to himself, and the same went with Niall and Liam.

Liam seemed even more deflated when it came to Zayn than with how lost Louis was when it came to Harry.

One minute Liam would be ready, to ask Zayn out but Zayn would just give him a look and Liam would be down for the count, lost and quiet and a slighty terrified of Zayns brown eyes.

But Liam was Liam and he couldnt see that the look Zayn was giving him was a just say it dumbass look.

Louis thought it was cute. He never seen skinny love and now he had the definition of it standing in front of him.

Niall seemed Niall. Bored with school and tierd of people. Louis had noticed though it wasnt just a boredness not like it used to be, but another as well. 

He just couldnt put his finger on it.

Oh well.

If it was big Niall would have been told Louis. They tell eachother everything.

Everything

liar.

Louis almost forgot about the secret life he had behind closed doors. He started to feel sick knowing he was doing thses things and his friends thought he wasnt. His friends thought he was

better.

And maybe he was once upon a time. (There was that month he didnt cut) But when youre dealing with such voices and stuck in such shawdows like the ones Louis had to face everynight. Well things dont always stay the same.

And he hates that.

So yea there is a pang of guilt. It sits hard at the bottom of Louis's gut when he looks at Niall and Liam laughing their asses of at his comment, because they think he is genuinely happy. That there is not a bad thought in his world.

But there is,

its alot of them.

So Louis does what he does best. 

He hides it till night time, when only the moon knows whats to happen to his thighs.

And hell be fine.

But then, he thinks about Harry.

Harry

Harry who still sits next to him in algebra. Harry who always manges to get him that salad, every single day at lunch. Harry who doesnt seem to know the answers to the math questions and asks Louis for help. But when he is called to the board he seems to need no help at all.

Yes, that Harry.

Its been two weeks since the lunch that started this new friendship. And even though the two dont really talk like the others, Louis knows he's there. Because he can feel him there all the time.

Staring, thinking...wondering.

And again. Louis is scared shitless because...what?

What does he want from him? Louis has nothing to offer but some ugly wrists and a torn soul and no hes never been in a relationship(as sad as it is) and he is not a love expert but he highly doubts anyone wants what he has to offer.

Hell. He doesnt even want it.

But yet Harry almost...almost. Seems like he does. And it makes Louis excited and still scared because hes not even ready for his mother to find out. Let along a stranger he met two weeks ago.

So Louis tries to ignore the looks Harry gives him and so far its easy. But there are those...looks. 

And you know damn well what Im talking about.

When his brows come together and his lips gets thin. When his jaw looks so damn sharp its like Louis can cut bread with it.

Those looks where its as if Harry has found a new piece of Louis and is storing, adding it to the things he's already known.

It gets hard with those looks sometimes.

But he always manges to escape them. By running to the bathroom or into an empty hallway to catch is breath, and realax his body. Because sometimes.

Those looks get very steamy.

Its going on the third week of school when something happens.

The 5 all are seated around their tree discussing another new band Niall has found. Apperently Zayn has heard of them and seems to be offened because Niall wouldnt listen to him to check them out before and now hes inlove.

"And the drummer, Gabe hes AMAZING" Niall rambles "You shouldve seen him in their if you can hang music video, total awesomeness."

"Shut up Niall."

"You still arent mad are you?"

"Do you like Sleeping with Sirens?"

"I love them."


"Than yes I am." They all, including Niall laugh about how straight Zayns face is when he says it and its quite funny when he speaks he almost looks so immobile with it Louis sometimes wonder if he really likes the bands he talks about.

"I dont really like them." Harry countines staring down at his maths book.

Teachers pet.

"Thats because you have no good music taste...1975"

"Hey I love them!" Comes a high pitched squel from Louis. Harrys head snaps up because its the most Louis has said around him the whole week.

"Do you?" Is the green eyed boy's only response.

Louis suddenly feels hot. And NO. Its not because he thinks about Harry on top if him while their music is playing in the background because that means sex.

Sex is bad.

"Yea theyre my favortie. Apart from Artic monkeys."

"Oh great youre one of them!" Zayn groans and its the most energetic Louis seen him in the whole time they met. Niall and Liam chuckles at this and Harry stares.

He Must be thinking the same thing.

Oh.

"Its not my fault my music taste is better than your Mayday Parade ass" The fake sounds of "Oooooo"s come across them and Louis has to keep himself in from dieing of happiness.

This is nice.

"Oh Zayn Louis talking bout yo momma!" Niall says and he does it in the most ghetto and fake way ever and now Louis understands it.

Its funny.

"Louis wouldnt do that." Harry says hes back down at his notebook and this time he doesnt look to Louis.

Good.

"I know, Louis is to soft for that mate."

"And Louis is to sweet for it as well Zayn"

Well...damn.

Liam and Niall arent fazed by it mostly because its a norm. But Zayn is and Harry seemed to have  just realized what he said.

Louis is just freaking out inside.

His stomache feels of air and he cant stop the sudden rose color thats spreading his cheeks.

They stare at eachother. Full of wonder and a sort of delight.

"Sweet" Louis whispers and hes pretty sure he said it so only he could hear but in the second Harry is shaking his head wildly.

Its like no one exist but them two.

Its beautiful and Louis can breathe. He can breathe but he cant breathe.

Again it doesnt make sense but to Louis thats the last thing on his mind.

He wants to kiss Harry.

And hes pretty sure Harry wants to kiss him too.

But its Zayn that interrupts it all.

"Hey Harry, hows Luke?"

Luke.

Who the fuck is Luke?

Harry stares at Zayn for a second filled with horror and anger. But replies nonetheless.

"Hes fine."

Luke.

Louis thinks.

I dont think I like Luke.

After that its safe to say that Louis shuts down for the rest of the week. When he and Harry are in class together Harry is lucky to get a nod.

Luke.

Is all Louis could think.

Why have I not be told about a Luke?

*****************************

"THE FUCK YOU DO THAT FOR?"

"HARRY"

"sorry"

Then his mum is upstairs in her room. Funny how she is always there when he curses.

"The fuck were you looking at Lou like that?" Is Zayns only response.

The two are currently in the living room. Zayn on his phone on the sofa and Harry towering about him like that angry gorilla from that movie.

"We had a moment."

"Thats the problem." Zayn stands.

"Sorry to ruin your 'moment'" He air quotes "But in case you forgot you have a boyfriend and he's currently at home waiting for your skinny ass to return, not making heart eyes at a boy who seems way to pure and lovestruck by him to see that hes taken."

Harry feels tired.

"Me and Luke ended things" 

"So why are you so mad?"

"Because Louis is a hard person to get close to and- "good" Zayn cuts him off.

"You wont hurt him when you go back to Luke." Then.

Zayn is gone.

Harry suddenly feels like a complete asshole. Zayn is right. Harry doesnt think he could ever stay away from Luke. He's his first...everything. But he gets so confused because Louis. Louis is pretty and soft and quiet with blue eyes and a voice like home. He likes Louis and loves Luke. The answer should be pretty obvious but Harry cant help but to feel like its the hardest thing in his life yet.

He goes to his room. And when he lays down on his bed his laptop rings and its a skype messeage for the devil himself.

Dont answer it.

Dont answer it.

Dont answer it.

But he does.

Because Luke is Luke. His first.

And he loves him.

**************************************

Its walking back home from the store when Louis finds Ryan.

Or more like Ryan shouts "HEY" and Louis gets frozen in his spot and cant move.

Stupid legs.

"Havent seen you in a while Lewis."

"Its Louis."

"Dont give a fuck"

The small boy flinches.

"What do you want, please?"

Ryan stares at him but its not like Harry stares. This one just feels uncomfortable and scary.

"Stacy wanted to invite you to her party next Saturday." He says face immobile and eyes full of bordem.

"No thanks" He goes to walk away.

"Hey, I didnt chase your fuggly ass down here to have you turn ME down, Stacy is inviting you and your wierd ass friends to a party you people will never get invited to again. Stop acting so damn creepy and try to fit in with normal kids."

Its brutal.

But maybe its true.

Louis walks away without a response and hes scared he might get stomped on but Ryan doesnt follow only leave and for a second Louis wonders why he wasnt attacked this time, or why he wasnt attacked last week either.

Wierd.

Cool.

Louis goes home and his sisters are playing around on the floor while his mother gets ready for her late shift at the hospital. They dont say anything except a "hi" and a "bye" and a "I love you". Thats how it always is now.

And it might be wrong but Louis is ok with that.

His mother is the only person he's postivtive that can see right through him.

So hiding such a huge sadness and a gruesome secret might be hard for him.

He puts his sisters to bed.

And has a threeway call with Niall and Liam.

Atleast some things never change.

"Im serious you guys...what if Zayn hates me?"

"Hes not the only one."

"Niall..."

"Im going to get crisps"

"LOUIS!!!"

"He doesnt hate you" Louis gigles because its so clear that its the complete opposite . Well for Louis its clear.

"So why does he look at me like Im the worst thing invented since clogs?"

Wait.

Hey.

"I use to wear clogs!" 

"Oh no on you they looked perfect."

Asshole.

"Look instead of whining and complaing why dont you just ignore the look Zayn gives you and just say what you wanted to say for 3 weeks?"

"If i do that, than you would have to do the same as well."

Big Asshole.

"What?"

"You know what?"

"I dont...?"

He can hear Liam sigh and move around over the phone.

"I think Harry likes you, and before you say no. I know you see the way he looks at you in that creepy manner thats probably attractive to you, so why dont you take your own advice and talk to Harry as well?"

Fuck you Liam.

"Im guessing you had your head up Zayns ass to actually be listening to what was going on."

"Going on with what?"

"Going on with Luke."

"Luke. who the fuck is Luke?"

Liam gets it.

"I dont know and I dont care. I dont like Harry he is just a friend."

It took alot to say that shit.

"What?"

"Nothing Niall."

"You guys dont love me!"

"Im going to bed. see you guys tomorrow."

They say their goodbyes but Niall and Louis stay on the phone.

"So... you and Harry huh?"

"No, why does everyone think that?"

You know why Louis.

"Dont know. Just seen a little romance look between you two thats all dont get spicy."

"Spicy."

"Like a pepper...all hot!"

And Louis laughs. Because thats what he always does when Niall says something stupid like that.

"Dont want to sound all cliche and shit, but Im really happy your better Lou. Couldnt stand you feeling so bad."

Oh.

"T-thanks Niall. I couldnt-t have done without you, uhm you guys."

Louis can feel them.

Tears.

"Yea. I love you" Comes Niall's voice. Its soft. Not like his usally smart ass voice but a sound Louis thinks feels like California. Even if hes in Doncaster and even if he has never been to California in his entire life. It just feels like it. Its kinda pretty and Louis wouldnt mind falling to sleep with that voice everynight. Louis wouldnt mind falling asleep next to his best friend every night anyway. Does that sound wierd?

Think it does.

Louis hangs up and exblodes on his pillow. He keeps quiet because everyones asleep and he has no intention of explaining to them why he was crying in the first place.

His throat hurts and his fingers itch.

He needs it.

But why?

Nothing to bad happened. Just dont hurt yourself today.

But he gets up.

And he goes into his bathroom.

Please dont.

Whose voice is this one? Never heard of it before.

Stop.

Oh look how shiny the blade is. Look how the light catches each detail that Louis sickeningly memorized.

He rinses it off and brings the silver creature to his thin thigh.

Then presses.

He can feel every emotion spilling out like the blood and he can feel alive for a moment.

A moments good for him.

He can feel pain and its ok because he deserves it. He deserves this pain.

Hes a liar.

And a horrible friend.

No wonder Harry doesnt want him.

Harry wants Luke.

"I DONT CARE" And in that brief moment Louis's tiny fist flies towards his glass mirror. So much rage and so much truth the force breaks the small mirror on top of his sink. and the blood comes even more.

The bathroom looks wrecked and the color of white and red combine to make a painting Louis will never forget. 

He just sits there. With only boxers and a tee shirt.

With only a ruined hope and a sad ending.

He never liked that mirror anyway.

He cries. And cries and cries as if hes making an ocean for each fit of rage sewn into his body.

Then he cleans up and crawls into bed. Nothing but the sounds of the outside world murmuring in his ears.

Thats when Louis realizes that.

He had a voice.

And it was a nice voice. Telling him to stop.

He didnt listen to it no. But it was there. The voice was there.

And it was Harrys.

**********************************

When Harry and Luke say goodbye its around 12. 

Harry feels uneasy and no its not because Luke told he cant stop thinking of him.

No.

Its because of something else.

But he just doesnt know.

Oh well.

If it was so important. He wouldve known.

Chapter Text

"Im not going."

"Why not?"

"Lou are you kidding me?"

Liam stays silent.

He doesnt know if he wants to go or not. Yea getting invited to a party by the one and only Stacy seems cool and somewhat fun but its Stacy and sometimes.

Stacy does things.

"What about you Liam, dont you think we should go?"

"LOUIS! Get a grip! Were talking about Stacy Styles. Why do you think we should go. You hate her we ALL hate her!" 

Nialls pissed.

For many reasons. 

1. Ryan was talking to Louis. He should never do that.
2. Stacy invited them to a party. She should never do that.
3. Louis wants to go. He has never did that.

"Look Niall, I know its weird and trust me I have no idea why but as much as it burns me, Ryan is right. We are wasting our teenage years away. And in all honesty I feel horrible for taking that away from you guys. Lets face it, you both couldve had the best times of your life through out last year, but you stayed with loser me. Its time you guys do something for yourselfs and its time I put on my big boy pants and face these things."

Thats when Liam starts talking.

"No Lou, we missed nothing. It wouldve been no fun without you and you know that we love you till the end. You took nothing from us and have only given us happiness and another friend. Screw Stacy and her crackbirds."

"Crackbirds?"

"Youre not the only one who can come up with funny stuff."

YEA LIAM

"Were going." Louis's voice is both soft and firm and its something Liam has never heard of. He likes to wonder what Louis was before all those things had happened.

He wouldve like to seen him back then.

Oh well.

"But- Niall please" Louis cuts in.

"Whats the worse that could happen?"

Liam has a few thoughts but decides to keep them to himself. 

"Oh fine." The kid doesnt sound very happy but he said yes.

Liam can hear Louis screech.

"YES YOU GUYS THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST, I KNOW IT!!"

"Oh shut up Tomlinson."

"Be nice" Liam says.

"Ehh im tired gonna go hit the hay."

They all say their goodbyes, and Liam changes for bed. 

But he simply cant sleep. 

Again his thoughts roam to Zayn,(they seem to do that alot lately) about his everyhtings and nothings all at once.

Its overwhelming.

Liam has never saw someone as perfect and enchanting like Zayn in his whole life. He just doesnt know what is it about the lad that makes his heartbeats quicken and his breathing go slow. Its simply beautiful and defining and both terrifing and threatining all in the same vein.

Liam finds Zayn a treachous and golden nightmare.

And he'd be lieing if he said he wasnt like a 15 year old girl when it came to him.

Because he is.

He has never expericened so many emotions when Zayn looks at him. He has never thought of as many words to describe someone as when he does with the boy. Its crazy how hard he is falling and they havent even had a full conversation.

What is this.

Liam takes a breath. 

The night turns into a steady dream, as if each star is giving Liam another thought, another word of Zayn. Its like the stars are watching him.

Laughing at Liams wonderous thoughts on his new friend.

"I gotta do something" He whispers and yea so cliche so weird to be talking to his self when its 11 at night but he cant help it.

Zayn is permently sketched into his mind.

Liam needs more of Zayn.

And hes determined to get it.

*****************************************

The next day is when Liam confronts Harry on the topic.

"Im sorry I dont understand."

Dammit Harry.

"I want to get to know Zayn a little more, Im trying to ask him out but I dont know exatcly what Im doing, I need your help, what does he like?  What does he not like? What can he never say no to?" By the time Liam is finished hes breathing like an old dog and painted in an unattractive rose color.

"Ohhhh" Harry smiles.

Little shit, he knew the whole time.

"I will punch you and it will hurt."

"Easy Payne dont gotta bring me pain."

"You come up with that on your own?"

"I did and Im proud of it."

Face palm.

"Anyway, what should I do with Zayn."

But Harry loses his smile. His eyes suddenly dont look like the spring green Liam came to known. In a split second, Harry looks old and run down.

Harry looks tired.

"Uhhh Liam, I would love to help you. Honest. Its just I would feel horrible if I was helping you into a kitty pool that turned out to be an ocean."

What.

"Huh?" Liam tilts his head and one his eyes twitches.

"I-maybe you should just talk to Zayn like a normal person, alright?"

"But Harry"

Harrys gone.

And Liam is lost.

Now what? And what the hell was Harry talking about?

 I would feel horrible if I was helping you into a kitty pool that turned out to be an ocean

Harry was never an easy guy to understand but this was his biggest question mark moment yet.

Liam slams Harry's locker. (Kid was rushing so fast he forgot to close it) and walks away.

************************************

It's study hall when Liam finally breaks.

Both he and Zayn have the session together and yea they sit by eachother but no, they dont talk.

Except for today.

Theyre both doing school work when Liam shivers.

Fucking air conditioning is always to high.

Zayn notices and takes off his hoodie.

Sleeping with sirens, of course. Liam thinks.

"Do you need this?" Zayn asks. His voice is soft and almost normal while his left eyebrow corks up.

"Uhh no im fine-" But before Liam finishes the hoodie is already on him.

"Dont lie. its not good to lie."

Oh.

"I wasnt lying. I was just saying I didnt need the hoodie which in all honesty I didnt." Liam doesnt know why he feels the need to argue with him over someting so stupid.

"Yea sure."

Asshole.

"Im being serious."

"I never said you were."

"Yes you did!"

"In what way of shape or form?"

"By you saying yea sure basically means you dont take me seriously!" He tries to mock Zayns cooling voice when he says yea sure but it justends up sound ridiculous and stupid.

But Zayn laughs.

"Its just a jacket."

"No its not just a jacket! You never take me seriously do you?!"

"No i do, trust me."

"There you go again!"

"shhhhhhh" Says some kids from the next table but Liam is far to gone to care.

"First you dont take me seriously with the jacket, but now I know you dont take me seriously with anything else!"

"I dont know what youre talking about."

"YES you do, you know you make me nervous."

"I didnt know that."

"Yes you did, and you also know I couldnt start a conversation with you if-"

Little piece of shit.

By now Zayn is doing that chuckling thing just like the first time Liam heard him history and yea.

His face does get cuter.

"Why would you do that?" Liam says flatly. By now the whole room has side eyes on them because they probably knew it faster than Liam.

They just had their first conversation.

About Zayns jacket, and about Liams stupidity.

"I didnt do anything, just made you realize its not hard talking to me than you thought it would be."

Hes back to his immobile face but its okay because Liam has his simle permently captured in his brain and if hes the only person that will see it.

Hes defentily okay with it.

Liam closes his eyes. "Will you go out with me?"

Oh noow you say it Payne.

"Cant"

Ouch.

"What! Why?" Liam shouts. The bell rings and Zayn is already out the door, with a frantic Liam in his tow.

"Its hard to explain I-Try me" Liam cuts in. And hell yea he is pissed.

Zayn. Perfect Zayn just bacially lead Liam on and shot before he even opened his eyes. It hurts.

It hurts like hell.

Zayn takes a hard breath. And in that moment he looks exatcly like Harry. Tired and run down and old as well. But theres a difference.

Zayn also looks sad.

And it hurts Liams heart.

"I would really like to go on a date with you, you dont know how much I dream about it, but I just cant. "

"That didnt really answer my question though so keep talking Malik."

Zayn, surprisingly does.

Who knew.

"Liam, have you ever had to many emotions?"

Everyday now because of you.

"No."

"Well, I do. And at first I thought it was normal. I thought it was ok to be like that but, turns out it was extremly deadly."

Wheres he going with this?

"Once, a couple of years back me and some buddies were taking a trip up to the mountains, and while on the way back we stopped to clean out the car. I had just brought a new phone then and while picking up some trash one of my friends dropped the phone causing the screen to break."

"That sucks."

"No Liam"

"Zayn just tell me."

"I lost it ok?" Zayn eyes gets browner and his face suddenly goes pale. Its like the beatuiful creature he was just completly erased but no.

Zayn will always be beautiful.

Escpecially to Liam.

"I shouted and screamed I hit and broken windows i cursed I said horrible God forsaken things Li, I truly had turned into a monster." Zayn has horror written across his face.

And Liam.

Liam doesnt know what to say.

"I have anger isssues Liam, which is why Im always calm, and which is exactly why I cant go out with you. I dont want to hurt you. Emotionally...or physically."

Oh.

"But by you telling me you wont go out with me isnt helping this case at all."

What are you doing Liam?

"Please Zayn I- why would you still want to even talk to me?"

Zayn starts to walk away. By now the second bell has rung and the halls are empty but Liam doesnt care. 

Zayn is hurt.

"HEY."

Zayn turns.

"Look I really like you. In case you havent noticed." Liam dryly chuckles. "And I dont care what happened last year or last week, I know youre scared to hurt me but I know you and as stupid as it does sound mostly because weve been friends for only about 4 weeks but I do Zayn. I know you and I know you wouldnt hurt me like your afraid youd do. Please just stop ruining things for yourself because youre also ruining it for me. Take a chance. And as cliche as it sounds I really want you to take that chance."

Theyre standing impossibly close to eachother and Liam can smell vanilla and cinnomon off of Zayn and ohh thats doing something to him. Zayn stares stright into his eyes with such an unbreakable fire it makes Liam feel hot and self councious all over.

"Ok." Is all he says.

And no its not his usual cocky voice or his flat bored eyes. Its his true self. Nervous, and adorable in every way alive. 

Liam smiles and for the first time they hug.

God Damn.

Zayn is so tall and rugged. Liam can feel his beard on his cheek and it probably shouldnt feel as good as it does. Warmth spreads through the both of them like wild fires theyd never put out for the rest of their lives.

And Liam.

Liam is happy.

***********************************

"How about Stacy's party?"

"Oh gross no!"

"Why not?" Zayn is chuckling at the face Liam is making.

"Because.."

"Thats not a good answer."

"Yes it is."

"Stacy's party it is then."

"Crackbird."

"..Crackbird?"

"Oh god hes back to that?" Comes Niall. With a little Louis trailing behind.

Its lunch so they are all scrunched up under the tree, trying to catch the last bit of good weather before its gone. Theyre still in England after all.

"Hes said this before?" Zayn says shocked at how proud Liam is with it. Theyre sitting closer than usual and Liam cant help but to notice the little smile on Louis"s face.

Crackbird.

"Yep like everyday now. Dont worry Zayn its still not to late to back out, I mean honstly who would want to date a guy that used to- DONT!"Squeaks Liam from behind Zayns shoulder.

They might as well already be together.

"I think I might have to know the ending of that sentence." Says Zayn and everybody's laughing because he has that straight face on and its absoulute gold.

"Wheres the date?" Comes an excited Louis.

"Stacys party." Liam groans.

"I think it would be cool, we could laugh at how dumb those kids look drunk. Just be tripping them with our feet they wouldnt know who did it. Great bonding time." Zayn nodding over to the tables Stacy and Ryan sit at.

"Now youre thinking Malik." Niall chuckles and oh did he really have to put that idea in his head?

"This is going to be great." Louis chimes in. He is smiling that smile that makes him look so young Liam just wants to scoop him up and hug him.But hes to busy huging Zayn.

Hes sure Louis will understand.

Chapter Text

To Niall, the days were passing by achingly slow. And soon enough the day before the party was among him.

He hated it.

Niall was always the one for a party, more outgoing than his friends he did enjoy getting wasted beyond his wildest dreams and hooking up with random people and trashing houses that wernt his. But with Stacys party, he just couldnt bring himself to be excited or happy.

Only worried.

His thoughts ran to Louis most of the time. Wondering if Stacy had something up her sleeve or if any of those assholes had a plan to hurt his friends. They normally arent the ones to jump on the happy wagon and make new friends.

This is high school for christ sakes.

No matter what Niall did Louis still wouldnt change his mind. He was dead set on going to that party for some strange reason, and now that the party was the main destination for Liams and Zayns date there was no way in hell Niall could get Liam to help him. He was stuck to say the least and left stressing in the middle of the night, thinking of the worst outcomes this party could do to him and his friends.

1. Liam and Zayns date could go horrible and end up ruining these new found friendships between Harry, Zayn and the boys.
2. Niall could lose his shit on one of those kids and get everyone (who were having a good time) kicked out.
3. Louis could have a relaspe.

Louis could have a relaspe.

Holy shit.

Niall started sweating thinking about it.

Louis was doing so good, he seemed better than ever and overall looked liked he wanted to have a fresh start, which would explain why he wanted to go to this party in the first place. But what if instead of helping Louis even more, the party tore down his only imporvment and sent him swirling and drowning in a black hole of horror and self-hatred. What if this was Stacys plan all along? Why was she doing this? Because Harry was hanging out with them? Becasue Louis stopped noticing her and got on with his life? Why?

Niall's heart sped up and his skin felt tight. He hated when he did these things.

Overthink.

Worry.

But mostly.

Overthink.

His doctor called it anxiety. Said Niall had one of the worse cases he ever seen in his life. 

And it might be true.

Niall didnt really notice it though. He thought everyone had this issue and maybe everyone does but Niall can never turn it off. There were days when the boy couldn't eat a single thing or stayed up all night thoughts running wild in his skull. Pushing him over the brink of sanity.

He remembers crying everytime on the day before the first day of school. Because what if I lose my locker combination? What if I have no lunch money? What if the teachers all are dirty hags that only want to fail me? Oh God. Oh God Oh God Oh God.

Now Niall has gotten better. He takes some lovely Zoloft to help him relax his mind and never tells anyone about these thoughts. Because he simply cant put that much on them.

Niall doesnt want to ring his own bell but he has to say he is his friends only rock. They think hes perfect and stable. They think he is healthy and strong and to a level he his. Its just his mind. His mind is always ruining things from him and if his friends- who arent so healthy- realizes he is down the drain then theyre really gonna hit rock bottom. Niall has to be strong for them.

He has to be secretive.

He cant tell anyone that he thinks so much he pulls his hair out-literally.

And yea, there are times when he calms down and thinks it over(ironically) and realizes he was just letting his mind run wild but with this whole gathering thing he cant help but to not shake the feeing that something isnt right here.

So Niall goes to bed stomache feeling like a bottomless pit, and heart racing with no intention to stop.

*****************************

Louis spends the whole day getting ready.

Louis feels fine.

Hes happy and humming to this band Zayn set him up with and yea things feel fine.

He knows this is going to go good.

He knows.

Does he?

Stop.

Louis shakes his head, turning the music up higher to block out these thoughts.

He doesnt need them right now.

Hes got this, everythings gonna be ok and hes-

"I like that jacket." Comes a voice from his door.

And Louis can feel his heart drop.

No matter what, he will always know that voice.

"Really?" He calms his voice. "Always thought it looked a bit funny on me."

"No it looks wonderful, who brought you it?"

"Liam, for my 17 birthday."

"Kid has good taste."

And Louis cant help but to smile at that because no matter what, she always calls Liam kid and Niall buddy. And Louis loves that.

"Yea, guess Ill wear it tonight then."

"You should."

She walks more into his room, looking around in such a hidden shock, as if she had never been in Louis's room before. But the truth is she comes in nearly everyday to put away his clean clothes.

Louis loves that even more.

"This party...you going with anyone special?" She asks not really meeting his eyes instead picking up random books and touch some posters up on the walls. 

Louis knows what shes doing.

"No mum!" He groans falling into his closest and shutting the door. As if this whole thing was normal.

"Well dont get grouchy I just wanted to know. Liam has been telling me about a boy name Harry, tells me he looks at you like some skimpy story book movie." She laughs at the end when she sees a tiny hand peeping out of the cloest to grab on to a shoe.

"Harry is just a friend!" He flings the shoe with all his might but it simply goes about 3 feet, not even close to where Johannah was sitting.

Her laugh booms through the house and oh, Louis really misses hearing her laugh.

"Ok, ok I was just asking, saw a picture of him, kinda cute wouldnt mind having a step son like that or even a lov-"

"OH MY GOD GET OUT!"

That makes her laugh even more.

"Kidding Lou, I just thought it would be nice for you to have someone, if Im being honest I wouldnt mind coming home late and catching you two togethe or...doing something you SHOULD NEVER BE DOING, but if hes just a friend, hes just a friend."

Louis is both shocked at how many voice levels he heard from his mother and confused overall about what the hell she was talking about. But then again she's his mum and if he understood everything there would be no point in trying to find out.

"Ok."

Johannah sighs and stands up. Shes still in her uniform and looks beautifuly and achingly tired. Louis wishes he was pretty like her. As weird as it sounds he just does.

"I love you Louis." Is all she says. Then as fast as she came in.

She left out.

Louis was left in the closest, thinking about that jacket Liam brought him and wondering if Harry would like it too.

***********************************

Liam is having a fucking crisis.

Red?....Or black?

Zayn wears black more so maybe Liam should start wearing black more as well. But then again just yeasterday Zayn wispered in Liams ear that he looked good in red.

Oh.

Its definitely red.

So Liam puts on the red shirt and finishes getting ready for one of the biggest days of his life.

Well, he likes to think.

He is scared out of his right mind because for the days he and Zayn had been....close, everything seemed to be going great. But still they werent offical and Liam likes to think this date will be the true test.

He really likes Zayn and from the touches and smirks and wispers he thinks Zayn might like him too. He hopes he does because well, hes really lonely and everything Zayn does just makes him feel.

Better.

Is that possible?

Does he sound dumb?

A guy that he just met, who also has anger issues and also rarely talks makes him feel better than anyone else ever did.

No its not possible.

And yes he does sound dumb.

But Liam just cant help it. Hes never been the one for a normal relationship anyway. And Zayn obvisouly isnt the type for one either. Maybe they deserve eachother.

That just makes Liam even more anixous.

He wonders what this night will show. The possibilties are endless. Hes hoping that him and Zayn will have that horribly cliche moment when they realize they are the ones for eachother. And so what if he sounds like a 15 year old girl. He thinks he deserve this love story and he thinks he will get it. He doesnt know why but he just knows this night will change everything.

He just knows.

So when hes finished getting dressed, and spraying a bucket load of colone on himself he sneaks out the house (hes not in the mood to explain to his dad where hes going mostly because he would have to tell him its also a date because Liam cant lie for shit.) and jumps in his piece of shit car. Blasting some mindless song on the radio and drives to Louis's house.

*******************************

"Jesus christ you smell like a perfume store." Is the salutation Louis greets Liam when he jumps in the back seat of the old rusty nissan.  

"Gee, thanks for the push, Lou I needed that." Liam rolls his eyes.

"Sorry mate. You look great and we'll just roll the windows down so we can air you out." Louis laughs and he is lucky Liams stomache is doing flips because he wouldve slapped him by now.

"Hush, you look great too. But I thought you didnt like that jacket I brought you." He nodds to Louis signaling to the jacket and in his mirror he sees Louis adjust it and look out the window.

"Yea but my mum said it looked good on me, so I thought why not?" Is his only response.

"You mean why not for a special boy!" Liam sings and he hears Louis scoff.

"Oh sod off and speaking of, I would really appreciate it if you and my mom could stop having girls night out every week, its extremly weird." Louis throws a hat from the back at Liam and he groans.

"Dammit! She cant keep a secret to save her life."

And if the only thing he hears is a booming laugh from Louis hes ok with it.

******************************

After Liam picks up Niall, who does nothing but complain about how hes getting fat and cant fit into his favortie jeans anymore, the 3 suddenly go oddly quiet on the way to the party.

And Louis knows whats going on.

Its so hard not to.

"You guys ok?" He asks.

"Yea."

"Ehh."

And Louis knows what he has to do.

"Comon you guys! For once stop worrying, its ok this is gonna be good. This is gonna be great. I know it." Louis moves up till hes in the middle and when he still doesnt get the reaction he wants he does something different from his character and just jumps up to the front. The car erupts in groans,swearing and a Liam complaining if he crashes the car and they die, hes hurting Louis in hell. And yea.

Louis is happy.

Louis is fine.

************************

Louis isnt fine.

Not at all.

He thought he had this, he thought he had everything under control but as soon as Liam pulled up to the Mansion thats owned by the Styles family, he could feel every piece of sanity he built from the last 3 days slipping and weathering away with each heartbeat. 

He couldnt breathe.

But of course, he doesnt show it.

You can do this.

No you cant.

Yes you can.

No moron you cant.

Just breathe.

There it is again.

Harry's chilling and soft voice.

Louis has no idea where it came from or why its here. The first time he heard it he had a mini panic attack because Harry had never said those words to him, and obviously Harry didnt know Louis was hearing him at night because he seemed to act normal around him which could mean only one thing.

Louis was using Harry as an escape.

And oh.

He shakes his head, (hes not dealing with that shit tonight.) and listens to the conversation Niall and Liam are having.

"Still not to late to leave, I got some coupons to Burger King, we can just have fun there."

"No can do Niall."

"This is it." Louis chimes in.

This is it.

He knows it.

"Ok... fucking assholes." Niall murmurs jumping out of the car.

Both Louis and Liam laughs at that because its good to know Niall is still the same little shit even when hes in the most scariest place on Earth. Liam gets out of the car as well and the two, not noticing Louis is still in walk away.

Ok.

Louis thinks.

This is it.

And he gets out as well.

*******************
Harry would be lieing if he said he didnt get even more dressed up because he knew Louis was coming. 

And a bigger lie would be he didnt lose some of his breath when he saw his friend walk through the door.

Louis really was beautiful.

Without trying. And in everyway alive.

Harry could see the nervousness pieling up in his eyes. He just wanted to run to him and hug him and tell him there was nothing to be scared of because everybody is gonna love him and if they dont theyre just stupid assholes who have nothing in life.

But he cant do that.

Because he just said I love you to Luke.

Luke who told him to have fun at the party and take alot of horrible pictures for him to see when he gets back home.

Home.

Harry sighs. The party is starting to pick up. More blurry people come in and if hes being honest he just wishes they would leave. But he cant tell them to leave because its not his house and these guests are Stacys.

Stacy.

He hasnt seen the girl all day. But hes heard some of her screaming. Hes a little wary of her plans tonight because he knows Stacy like the back of his hand, but in a way, he doesnt know her at all.

Stacy is the type of person you would expect one thing from but she does the complete oppistite.

At times it could be great, but there are those times Harry watched closely where they go extremly bad.

Harrys holding his breath to see what it would be tonight.

He would wish nothing would happen tonight but he already knows.

Stacy just has to make sure everyone knows who she is.

Its just a thing for her.

So before greeting his friends he leaves to go find Stacy, finding her easily in the big ass kitchen.

Rich kids.

Is all Harry thinks.

"Havent seen you all day." She smiles. Her teeth seem extra white and her eyes seem extra cold.

Harry doesnt like that.

"Dont pretend you didnt like it." He says.

"I wont lie, it felt good because for a second you werent here, but you still are and now I am happy about that."

Thats when Harry knows. 

Whatever Stacy does, it wont be good.

"Please, Im begging you, just let everyone enjoy their night." Harry sighs closing his eyes. He suddenly feels tired and just wants to lay down.

"And by everyone you mean our little Louis?"

"I mean everyone."

"You can say you mean everyone but I think we all know who you mean, you know its funny because it almost seems like youve got a girly crush on him. But then I remember youre with some Australian kid and I just wonder if youre like this with all your new friends." She turns back around her brown hair tied in a pony tail moves back and fourth as she shakes her head.

"Shame, you guys wouldve been cute together."

"I mean it, just leave him alone, it took alot for him to even come to this damn party and I dont apperciate-

"How would you know it took alot for him to come, as far as I know youre just an acquaintance to him, you know nothing about him and the things you do think you know are only little pieces of nothing he shows all the world. You arent his best friends and youre nothing TO him, so do me a favor and shut the hell up because it isnt your place to tell me to stay away from Louis. Ive known him longer and I DO know things about him you dont. Ill do as I please Harold, and youll do nothing but stand there in shock just like everyone else."

She gone before Harry can even process half of her speech.

And shit.

He has to tell Louis.

*****************************

The music shakes Louis's bones.

And for a shock he likes it.

Hes been at the party for around an hour, most of the time people just gave him weird looks and then countinued on with their life. Niall sticks by his side while Liam ventures off to find his date. Both of them just talk while the house quickly piles up, and soon enough some horrible song starts to play and Niall, who hates pop music even starts to dance to it, therefore Louis follows.

Its fun.

Louis is fine.

The rooms get croweded but Niall keeps Louis under his arm. Anyone else would probably get angry for being put on a leash but Louis knows Niall is only doing this because hes neverous and scared and Louis still is too. Although he can feel it eroding away when each minute passes. Hes still here and well.

So thats how they end up doing horrible dance moves on Stacys living room floor. Louis isnt listening to the song but only laughing at how Niall does the worm while standing up.

"You wish you had these moves man!"

"Yea.. I do." And Louis countinues.

Its all well and good until he feels a hand grab his arm and yank him away almost as if its yanking him away from time.

OH GOD.

Louis thinks.

This is it. I knew it was to good to be true. Im such a fucking idiot.

His heartbeats quicken and he cant breathe hes gonna break down and scream until he realizes who pulled him.

Harry.

He doesnt know why but he just feels angry.

"You gave me a fucking heart attack." Louis snaps and he can see Harry physically flinch.

"Im sorry. But I just had to tell you-

"Tell me what?"

"Its Stacy, shes planning something, ok and I know it wont be good, maybe you guys should just lea-

"You want me to leave?"

Ouch.

"Of course not I didnt even get to spend time with you- I MEAN YOU GUYS but I just know Stacy and I talked to her to make sure she was gonna behave tonight and-

"Excuse me" Now Louis is pissed.

"Who gave you the right to do a check up on me and tell people to stay away from me?" He crosses his arms.

"I didnt mean it like that, I just know how she is-

"And so do I but I still came!" He can see red.

"Im sorry Lou. I just wanted-

"NO FIRST DONT EVER CALL ME LOU, YOU ARENT MY FRIEND AND I CAN SEE THAT NOW. TWO DONT EVER TELL ANYONE TO STAY AWAY FROM ME. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN AND YOURE JUST RUINING IT, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Im just trying to help..."

"I dont want your help, go help someone else." Is all Louis says before he disappers into the crowd steaming and disgusted.

Louis isnt a baby and he doesnt need some complete stranger taking pity on him and warning him about anybody. Ecspecially Harry who seemed to be playing weird mind games in the weeks hes known him. Hes probably just did all that out of pity and that pisses Louis off even more.

He didnt need Harry to watch out for him.

He could do it himself.

Chapter Text

The music booms, loud like wild fireworks erupting in the Styles mansion. 

Sweaty bodies push against others, and the smell of weed and vodka and beer reeks with colonge and cheap perfume. Souls gasping for air but to drunk to notice, Oblivious smiles and careless dances moves. A sense of deep home and meaning strike thorugh the walls creating a unimaginable atmoshpere for anyone who comes. Its abosoultey a hot mess. Its crazy and its also a train wreck.

But its perfect, and beautiful in every way.

The clock dimes when it reaches 1 in the morning. But it seems as if the party had just started. Outside the sky looks like deep blues and shattered white stars hanging loosely from the night. Illumintated lights and soft pale glows cast horrifyingly beatiful shadwos over everything. Trees stand old. All bended and cripled from their long lives, dropping from time and cracking from sounds.

Louis's eyes are closed but he can see clearly.

He can finally see it.

He can taste it on his tongue, along with the vodka, and he can feel it throbbing in his hands, or maybe its just Niall. Together, they push throw faceless crowds and make their way back to the main hall. Blurs and spots fill his vison but he doesnt care.

He can see.

He doesnt exactly know what he can see yet, a little to tipsy to figure out, but its there and oh, Louis cant wait for that moment when its firm and clear. It shouldnt be long now.

When the two boys make it to their destination they are met with more people- and Harry.

Harry

Louis sneers.

What a bastard.

He almost forgot about the green eyed boy, having to much fun to remember his idiotic words and parental attitude. He doesnt need anyone watching him.

Hes a big boy.

He can do it himself.

And obviosuly he can, hes been here for 6 hours and nothing horrible, nothing bad has happened at all. Even the voices in his head stopped talking mindlessly, almost as if they toke the night off.

Even the voices in his head.

Harry's eyes find his and Louis can see he is completely sobber.

Not much of a drinker I guess.

Louis looks away before any of them try anything. Hes been having a good night. Long legs over there wont ruin it.

He wont.

Louis can see it.

He really can.

Its when Stacy climbs up on the dinning room table when Louis remembers whose partys he's at. 

He takes a look at her and realizes that there will never be a time when Stacy Styles is unattractive.

Her hair falls softly down her neck and back, the brown bringing out those green orbs she controls everybody with. Her eyeliner is a little smudge but she looks gorgeous never the less. Her lips are swollen Ryan- Louis's guessing, and as the chandiler lights run across her skin and her freckles start to show through her makeup Louis realizes that she might be the most beautifulest monster to ever hunt this planet. She looks around ignoring every action occuring until, she finally meets the diammond blue eyes of Louis Tomlinson. 

She smiles.

And Louis smiles back.

In her que the music turns down, its as quiet as it could be with a house stuffed with drunk teenagers so Stacy just starts.

"Glad to know everybody showed up. Its really cool that we get to start out so well and crazy" The crowd screams at that but all hush when Stacy's eyes narrow. "Now, calm down. This partys been going on for quite sometime, I think we should just about hang this up. Dont you?" The crowd erupts in no's and boo's and Stacy throws her head back and laughs. "Come on you guys were to young to be partying this hard." Her voice drips like honey, and shes sweet like candy.

"Come on Stacy." Comes a drunk Ryan. "Let us stay." Stacy stares down the crowd her eyes roaming each face, her face remains in a calm, sadistic emptionless way. She been perfecting that craft for quite sometime now. 

"Ok." The crowd screams. And even Louis scream too.

He doesnt want this party to end.

He can see it.

"On one condition." It gets quiet again.

"You see my friend Louis? Louis darling raise your hand please."

Louis's heart drops.

He can feel Niall squeeze his hand when he lifts up his up.

"There you are babe." She smiles but this time its not the smile she gave him before talking, no. This one is cold and sharp, and Louis even takes a step back because it hit him that hard. Louis looks around for Harry when his seconds feel like hours. But hes nowhere to be found.

"You see, Louis has had some hard times, yea, horrible times more like. Always getting called a faggot because he's gay, and always being called ugly and fat becasue hes just a little pudgy. But you know what. Hes got balls doesnt he? Coming to this party coming to enemy lines with no protection, all because he thinks he has a chance. Well lovely Louis Im here to tell you, you dont. You have no chance of ever being something but the useless, pathetice fag you are right now. So stop trying. Stop wanting what you cant have honey. Its actually kind of sad I mean come on people isnt it sad?"

She looks evil. Eyes filled with hate and silk, lips pulled into a thin line. She looks like a monster this time.

The crowd erupts into cheers of yea"s. But Louis isnt cheering.

Not this time.

His face becomes horror itself and hes backing out, Nialls hand long forgotten and gone. Eyes are on him. Looks of disgust, and pity written on their faces.

"So I just want you all to help me help Louis! Come on everybody! Scream. TELL LOUIS TO GIVE UP. TELL HIM HELL NEVER BE WORTH IT AND THAT HE SHOULDVE JUST STAYED HOME."

And.

They do.

"GIVE UP"

"GIVE UP"

"GIVE UP"

"GIVE UP"

"GIVE UP"

"GIVE UP"

Give up.

And oh no, the voices are suddenly back.

Louis turns to run, he needs to get out of here, he can breathe.

"Oh Louis" He turns around. Stacy stands at the top of the table. Her arms placed in front of her as if shes innocent. Her smile sweet and cunning eyes big and child like. She looks just like Stacy. The first time he met her.

The very first time.

"Just give up."

And Louis can see it.

He does give up.

And he runs.

He runs back into town, back to his home, into the saftey of his room.

His body is heaving, from that impossible run and from the fact that really happened.

Everything goes slow and his heartbeats quicken. Air suddenly doesnt exsit snd he feels like hes about to throw up. He just wants to lie down but he knows he wont. Instead he goes to his closet.

"Louis?"

He can hear his mothers voice. Coming lightly from downstairs but it doesnt matter. He doesnt care.

Louis can see it. 

He takes out an old belt, one that was always to big for him and puts it around his neck.

"Louis what happened?"

His ribs shake his body and he can taste his own salty tears but he doesnt stop. 

He can see it.

"LOUIS YOURE SCARING ME."

His mother jiggles the door handle but starts screaming when its locked.

"LOUIS OPEN THIS DOOR!"

Louis starts screaming, crying tieing the top of the belt to his closet rod.

He can hear Fizzy and Charlotte screaming at whats going on.

"Im sorry." Is all Louis says before hes about to step of his chair.

But before he can the three girls break into his room. Pushing him back.

Louis thrashes violently but Charlotte holds him hot tears falling down her face. Fizzy and Johannah scurrying to get the belt unhooked. 

The rest of the kids watch from the door way as the three girls hold Louis down as he screams.

"LET ME GO! LET ME GO PLEASE, PLEASE. LET ME GO!"

He cries and screams into his mothers chest as she holds him silently. Rocking him back and fourth. "Im so sorry" Is what she keeps wispering.

And Louis can see it.

At 2:30 in the morning. He can see it clear.

In each one of his sisters faces.

And in his mothers eratic heartbeats.

In the cold damp memories playing over and over in his skull.

He could see it.

Louis can see it.

Louis is a goner.

Chapter Text

"Lewis Tomlinson?..."

Eh.

"Its Lou-ee." He hears his mother wishper. 

But even though its a wishper, sure feels like loud sounds bleeding into his ears.

"My apologies ma'm."  The man says. 

Louis isnt looking at him but he can hear the sarcasticness in his voice.

Asshole.

"If you two could follow me this way." The man doesnt look back before he walks away.

Louis gets the feeling he does this alot.

The way his voice sounds emotionless, and how Louis has only looked at him twice but each time the man's eyes never reach his. The way he walks. Slow and causal as if theyre on the way to some picnic, but the problem is theyre not.

They arent going to a picnic.

The walls turn into a deeper grey the more Louis feet is guided down the hall. It smells of October and Louis never thought it would sicken him to his stomache. The hospital blanket falls softly around his shoulders while he grabs at it in his center. The neon yellow socks adds warmth to his feet but it feels as if winter is having the first storm of its season on Louis's skin.

Hes freezing.

"Im cold." He says.

His mothers arm wraps around him trying to comfort but it makes him feel colder.

Shes doing this to him.

He doesnt shrug her off, only because theyve been through hell this entire night.

When his mother and sisters found him attempting suicide, they grabbed him by the arms and pulled him down. His body flew heavily into a state of thrashing and screaming and tears. He kicked and pulled and pushed and he didnt care if he was hurting anyone. He just wanted to be let go of.

Was that so bad?

The neighbor, Mr.Flan heard the noises and the girls let him in. With his help, Johannah was able to stuff Louis in the car and take him to the hospital. She didnt know if this qualified as a hospital emergency, but it was an emergency to her. 

So Louis was kept in a room, with a women with blonde hair and brown eyes spoke to him. She didnt touch but only said tiny words like ok...alright...almost there. After that doctors and nurses came into his room in blurs. And finally, they gave him this hospital outfit (hideous) these comfty yellow socks, and the nice thermal blanket. 

"Gets cold over there." The nurse said.

She wasnt lieing.

"Yea sorry about that." The man chuckles.

"Most of the kids like it cold, just bring him some hoodies." He looks at his mom, she shakes her head and Louis can see her eyes watering again.

But he does nothing to stop it.

They go through even more halls and doors. Passing by the windows Louis can see it daylight, and its extremly bright.

"What time is it?" He asks.

"8."

Theyve been through all the hospitals for hours.

Its finally when the three walk through another door and Louis is about to lose it, when they reach their destination. The cement and grey has disappered and a vanilla color is painted on the walls.Water fountains and restrooms scatterd about. Pictures on the walls and those fake green plants laying in the most random order. The big windows letting sunlight through gives the hall an orange color. Its kind of pretty.

"Here we are." The man says swiping his id card through the slot. It opens and the first thing Louis is met with is a horribly drawn picture of kids on the wall. Next to them is written stupid cliche things like it gets better, everythings alright, you can do this, youre worth something.

And well..

No.

"I want to leave." Louis stops walking staring at the main room. Its horrible.

Pale blue paint and coffee tables, a green rug and even a flat screen. Theres a book station set up in the corner, and the eating tables, Louis presumes off in the front. Few rooms Louis sees while coming in on the sides, some look like bedrooms.  The center filled with couches and games like, scrabble and jenga. Refrigerators and sinks and a phone on the left side. The right side is the nurses sation and the main offices. Covering the walls are more stupid quotes and pictures and funny jokes and its just disgusting.

What the fuck is this place.

It wasnt supposed to be so nice. It was supposed to be like the adult mental hospital below, all white grey hard and sad. Not these ridiculous quotes hanging on the wall and adventure time playing on the t.v or the tables with crayons and markers covering them.

"You know you canT leave, Louis." His mother closes her eyes to stop herself from crying.

"Why are you crying? YOURE NOT THE ONE BEING HELD PRISONER HERE!" He screams.

"Voice down." The man says sternly, "Youll scare some of the kids."

"Fuck you!" Louis spits. Hes been wanting to do that for a while.

"Louis please..His mother starts, but she gets cut off by a woman.

"Louis, never heard that name before."

Her hair is in a short bob, highlights of blonde streaks through it. Her skin is a little wrinkly from age, looks likes 50 maybe even 60. She's wearing a black dress shirt that slims her down even more and grey suit pants that totally throws of the slim look. Her lips, heart shaped and colored with brown lipstick.

"Im miss Lacy. Im one of the workers here, todays my shift, hi Louis." She speaks.

Louis stares her down eyes suddenly getting a little crossed because yea, hes staring that hard.

"Awww, poor baby. Most kids just think theyre going to the normal hospital, then we do a sneak attack like this." She chuckles. 

No one else laughs.

"Well," She countinues. "Im sure youre both exhausted, admission takes a very long time, why dont you mom, go home pack some bags for Louis and take a nap, be back here at around 10 so we can discuss the plan for Louis here." 

She stares at his mom as if she knows whats shes gonna do and what shes gonna say and just repling to her with a talk later look.

"And you Louis," She turns. "We have a room for you." 

He turns, begging stars in his eyes.

Dont let them take me.

Dont let them take me.

Dont let them take me.

"I'll see you in a few." Her voices cracks and aches with an all to familir sounds. 

Louis shakes his head.

"Mom."

Dont let them take me.

Dont let them take me.

Dont let them take me.

"Im so sorry this happened Louis, I love you so much, Im so sorry." She turns and walks quickly away.

Her brown hair catches the stale room's light, it dances in the air and Louis suddenly remembers all their time together where they would dance and her hair would do the same movement. He loved it when she worn her hair down.

Now he never wants to see it dance again.

"MOM!" He screams and goes to run when the man holds him tight.

"MOM!"

She doesnt turn back, but her hair still dances in the wind she makes with her movements.

Dont let them take me.

Dont let them take me.

Dont let them take me.

"MOMMY, IM SORRY PLEASE DONT LEAVE!"

But its to late because she's out the door.

But Louis cant stop screaming, and cant stop the pictures of his mothers brown hair twirling and twisting around her in his head.He cant stop unseeing her leave and walk out the door.

"DONT MOM!" The man begins to drag Louis farther away from the main room, And Louis doesnt really fight it but only scream for his mother.

Dont let them take me.

Dont lat them take me.

Dont let them take me.

But she does.

Chapter Text

Louis's room is tan. 

The sunlight coming from the window in the corner makes the room ignite with a fiery orange.

It smells of clean sheets and fresh air, which is ironic mostly because it seems to be a prison. The room isnt to small enough space, Louis thinks. In the room sits two twin size beds, all nice and made. The walls are empty and lack character the room sings a silent sound of faint heaters going off in the background. 

Louis hears the door shut behind him. His throat raw from screaming and face dry from tears. He takes his limp body and slowly walks towards the bed.

He begged her.

He begged her to stay.

To not leave.

But she did anyway.

Louis could feel his heart breaking. He could hear his bones cracking and his blood moving. His mouth felt sewn together but he was breathing in. His mind felt like waves, throughts crashing over and over again weathering away his skull. 

He lays down taking in his surroundings and cant help but to think about the people who once sat in his same exact spot. Thinking his same exact thoughts.

I want to go home.

I want my family.

Im so scared

Why is this happening?

Louis takes a deep breath and lays down. His skin feels of complete fire and his heartbeats are eratic. Everything feels like its underwater and no amount of air he keeps taking he still feels out of breath. In the background the heater turns off and the room turns into a weightless cloud, air becoming silver in the sunlight, dust particles molding into tiny white startes mindlessly floating past the pupils of Louis's eyes.

Why is this happening?

His eye lids grow heavy and his mouth goes slack. His uncontrollable limbs suddenly feel like tons and are weighting him down onto the bed. His head slips to the side and falls unbelievably asleep.

+

Its when Niall pinches him self the third time when he realizes this isnt a dream. 

This is a cold reality.

And he cant escape.

Niall doesnt remember much of the party. Mostly becasue he was wasted beyond the point and he's pretty sure 30% of his blood is alcohol. He doesnt remember how he got home or much words, but he does remember pictures.

White numb pictures.

Pictures with blinking lights and hazy frames. Pictures with flashing faces and slow blinking. Yea.

He remembers that.

He remembers Wendy from Chemisrty in between his legs. Her blonde hair on his pale thighs.

He remembers John from finance pouring more into that red cup telling him "just a little bit more mate." He knew it was a lie each time, but he still did it.

He remembers Liam and Zayn, little snippets of them on the walls and chairs and finally leaving out the back door. He remembers his thumb infront of his face giving them a thumbs up when Liam fliped him off.

But most of all.

He remembers Louis.

Louis in his jean jacket and white teeth.

Louis grabbing his hand as they stumble down the steps.

Louis looking like every perfect thing, combined in one. 

Thats when the pictures get blurry. Its when they turn bloody.

Louis's eyes fading into a state of panic and fear.

Louis's mouth dropping and cheeks wet.

Louis backing out and tripping over air.

GIVE UP GIVE UP GIVE UP.

Louis leaving.

And Niall opens his eyes.

He opens his eyes to the room he made so many memories in. Sitting on the floor, the same floor he taught Louis how to play guitar. Breatheing in the same air his best friend would breathe.

But again, it turns blurry. It turns bloody.

The same room Louis has cut him self countless times in. 

The same room Louis has cried himself to sleep everynight.

The same air Louis had breathed everytime a thought came.

The same room where he tried to take his own life.

His own fucking life.

Niall turns and looks at the closet. The bar is gone now and the closet is closed. It scares him because the scene looks so calm, so normal, no sign of all the hell its just witnessed.

Just like Louis, Niall thinks.

Just like Louis who has hid so well behind this sheet hes built. Cutting on his thighs so no one sees he thinks, hidding his blade in the toilet, he thinks. Screaming so quietly he thinks.

Niall should stop thinking.

But he never truly will.

Its been a day now, since Niall has found out where his friend went. Jay told him all she could, without breaking down. How they found the cuts and he might have to stay for more than just a week.

When Niall puts all the puzzle pieces together he figures it out. Louis was ambushed. And flooded with emotions. He was already on the edge.

That was the final strike.

So he tried to hang himself. In his favortie jean jacket, half drunk, all numb.

Niall can feel his body shake when the pictures come back. He doent know how to stop it, they just come and stay then leave and then come right back. 

The house is quiet. No one is home. Jay left to go get Louis some snacks. Theyre allowed to have snacks.

"He likes poptarts right?"

Yes.

"What about Jolly Ranchers?"

His favorite.

"Get him some water too?"

Ofcourse.

Niall wonders how long he'll be there. He heard people sometimes never get out. But he'll get out right?

Louis isnt that ruined.

He hopes.

Niall stands again and takes another tiny walk around Louis's room. Its amazing the things he notices when his friend isnt there to distract him. 

There are no mirrors, no childhood photos. No sign of Louis, only pictures of his friends. And his posters of bands.

A Day to remember.

Asking Alexandria.

All time Low.

Panic at the disco.

Fall out boy.

Hmm. No Sleeping with sirens? 

Niall giggles. Because he can practically hear Louis groaning in the background. Thats what he always did when Niall would say that. But instead of the low mummble sound Louis would make from the pillow.  Hes met with such a painful experience.

Silence.

And then he remembers.

But this time it isnt little white and numb pictures. Its thick and vivid. 

Louis isnt here. 

He wont be. Not for a long time.

And well.

Why is this happening?

Chapter Text

"Wheres Louis?" 

Is the question Zayn asks Liam when he walks through his door.

His skin seems thicker than normal and his eyes seem like a cold wind in December.

Liam panics.

"I dont know."

But heres a secret...he does.

"Dont lie to me."

whoa.

Zayn stands tall. His body is dangerously close to Liam and in anyother circumstance he would love this but...its kind of scary right now.

"I cant tell you." He looks away.

"Why not?"

"Because its complicated."

"Ive got time."

Liam wants to explain. He wants to tell Zayn that while they were running through the night Louis was dieing. While they were ,making out, Louis was tieing a belt around his neck. When it was Liam and Zayns best night ever. It was going to be Louis's last night ever.

So how do you explain that?

Trick question. You dont. 

"How do you know Louis wasnt home?" Liam tries to change the subject.

"Harry said hes been calling him and he wont answer, tried the house phone and no one answered at all, he tried calling everyone but nothing." Zayn shruggs. His skin turned normal and his eyes released steam.

Thank god.

"Oh."

COME ON LIAM THINK! You cant tell him! Hell think Louis's crazy you cant tell him to risky.

So Liam thinks.

Then he talks.

"Louis's mom found him drunk, sent him to his...aunts house in another town!"

Skills.

Zayns narrows his eyes. He is obviously clueless to the events that night. Come to think of it, almost everyone is clueless. Either they dont care or dont remember.

That makes Liam's stomache hurt more.

"His...aunts house?"

"Yep, she lives...in...Potteric Carr? Yes! Potteric Carr ." Liam nervously smiles.

Great save!

Zayn shruggs dropping it and moving on.

"Oh alright Ill tell Harry."

Shit.

"NO!" Liam squeaks.

Zayn turns back around eyebrow up.

"Its uh a secret, Louis doesnt want people finding out, you know him...hates attention." Liam smiles.

So Zayn cautiously puts his phone back into his pocket.

"I had a great time with you at the party." He tries to change the subject again, to something more...nice.

"Yea me too."

"Doesent really look like it."

So Zayn puts on a big cheesy smile. His teeth shining white in the sunlight and cheeks turning a rosy pink. His eyes crinkling in the corners.

Beautiful.

"Much better" Liam laughs.

And that is that.

+

From: Zayn 12:34 pm

Hes in Potteric Carr.

To: Zayn 12:36

whatt , where is that??

From: Zayn 12:38

Its South from here.

To: Zayn 12:39

Why?!!

From: Zayn 12:41

Because he got caught drinking and is with his aunt.

To: Zayn 12:41

Do you know his aunts name??

To: Zayn 12:42

Know where I can find him??

To:Zayn 12:42

How did he get caught????

To: Zayn 12:43

did he say anything about me??

To Zayn 12:43

ANSWER ME!!!!

From: Zayn 12:44

Idk anything else. now stahp acting like a 12 year old stalker and leave me alone im with my bf.

To: Zayn 12:45

Slut. I thought it was bros before hoes anyway!!!

Harry closes his phone. He been thinking about Louis for days now. He cant get the argument out of his head. He did see Louis later on that night in the main hall but he looked like he as having to much fun so Harry slipped on his jacket and left the mansion tired of the smells and blinding faces. He hasnt heard from Louis since.

Its driving him crazy.

All Harry wants to do is say hes sorry. He was so worried about Stacy that he didnt see there was nothing to be worried about. Now Louis is pissed at him and he cant even explain himself.

He doesnt know why he automatically feels like he should protect him, sure hes a little protective but with Louis its more like a "guard you till the end of time" thing. He hasnt told anyone about this, mostly because he doesnt understand it either. Ever since he met the boy his desire to know him and protect him has been spreading and getting more and more bigger with each passing second. He has no idea why, maybe its the way Louis walks. Its like hes afraid of the world but in some way doesnt care for it. Or the way he smiles. So small but always finds a way to make a big impact on Harrys days.

Who really knows?

All Harry knows is that he cant take knowing Louis is mad at him. And if that means looking far and wide for his aunts house in Potteric Carr than so be it.

Louis is special like that.

+

Louis knows he isnt special.

He knows that as soon as they release him from this place hes going to try to kill himself again.

It will work next time.

He knows that.

So whats the point of trying. Whats the point of trying to fix a glass plate with scotch tape. Its just going to fall apart again. 

Why put him through that?

Why not let him finish the job?

It may sound horrid but its the truth. Have you ever met those kids who seem so shattered, so broken that you wonder why do people ask if theyre okay? You know theyre not. You know they never will be but yet society creates this script for the depressed people of the world. A boring script where people who dont know the feeling read off the sentences like tastless songs playing over and over and over again.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

No

"Everything will be alright."

"It will."

No it wont.

"You can do this."

"I can do this."

I wont make it.

Its all the same. And Louis is quite sick of it. 

They wske him up from his deep sleep. 

He goes to the disgusitng bathroom to do his morning routine.

And then makes his way to the eating hall which is the lobby for the hospital the room Louis was in when his mother...left.

There are a few other rooms where he would be in and out of with the other patients that didnt come up yet.

So far...its as normal as it can be.

Louis sits on one of the couches and thinks. He tries not to remember that night but its all his mind keeps flying to.

So he tries to calm his head thinking about soft songs he would fall asleep to at home when everything seemed bad. It kind of works.

His lungs finally slow down and his breath goes back to normal. His head booming with a firery headache and his fingers still shaking from the current events.

But he calmed down.

Wheres Harry?

He gets anxious again. He had forotten about Harry with all this going on. He wondered where he gone off to that night. He felt so stupid now. Harry was right. He couldnt take care of himself. He shouldve just listened to him when he warned him. Now he sits with his heart like stones. Dragging him down and tiring him out. Now. He just wants to say sorry. 

Wheres Harry?

"Louis? Come eat."

He looks around tuning back into the real world. His arms cold. He shouldve kept his jacket on. Standing up and covering his arms, he can feel the plastic braclet he has to wear. He shivers and walks forward.

"What would you like?"

"It doesnt really matter."

Wheres Harry?

"Here you are."

He takes the tray."Thank you."

"Wheres the spoons?" The lady looks around.

Louis just stares.

Wheres Harry?

Chapter Text

Harry finally gets a hold of someone.

And it's Niall. 

He looks a hot mess.

His strawberry blonde hair, usually nice and neat sits ruffled and greasy on his head. His face most times filled with a rosy pink and color is painted white , dark circles under his emotionless eyes.

Damn.

"Niall!" Harry shouts. None of the boys have been at school. Except for Liam but even when he's there he is not really...there. So finding Niall at the supermarket is quite special.

Niall looks up to see who's calling his name. When he realizes who it is he shows nothing but only a faint and lingering glare.

Harry taken back by this look stops calling the boys name. Hes never really seen Niall mad especially at him. But he needs to know where Louis is..exactly and if anyone would know it would be niall. So Harry pushes aside this new sickly feeling and goes up the Irish boy. 

"Hey." He smiles.

No reply. 

"How's it going?" "haven't seen you around are you still coming to school?" Harry gives a dry chuckle rubbing the back side of his head.

"Yea. Just haven't been feeling good." Niall explains his voice is hard and dry.

Harry looks down to see what the boy is buying and is met with snacks.

Poptarts.

Jolly ranchers.

Water.

And it wouldn't be so weird but it is, because niall hates jolly ranchers he hates Poptarts too. Something isn't right here and Harry just knows.

"Look I've been trying to contact Louis but he's not answering his phone.."

Harry can see Nialls hand grip the cart.

"His mom isn't answering either, do you know where I could find him or talk to him. I just want to-

"No." Niall answers. His voice like a red light loud in Harrys eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." 

Niall takes his bags and leaves.

But Harry is not done. 

Completely forgetting his items Harry runs after niall.

" I know youre lieing." Harry screams.

Niall stops in his tracks and turns around.

"Excuse me?"

"You know where Louis is, you just don't want to tell me. No one wants to say anything and quite frankly it's pissing me the fuck off!" Harry can feel his anger pulsing inside him. He doesn't remember the last time he's gotten so worked up.

"Everybody wants to act like I'm not existing in the universe and ignore my questions, you can't be walking out on me too.! I just need to talk to Louis I just want to tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen I was just looking out for him.! I know he told you what happened and I would expect for you to understand and help me. You care about him too! Please niall just help me out. Will ya?"

Harry was sure that his speech would've brought Niall to his senses but when he looks at the boy he finds him steaming red and shaking with steam.

Oh god.

"FUCK YOU!" "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR FOOLING?" Niall walks closer to harry.

Quite scared of his friends exploding reaction, he stands frozen in shock and horror.

"NO ONE WANTS TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS BECAUSE ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! YOU WANT TO PRETEND LIKE YOU CARED BUT THEN YOU PULL THAT BULLSHIT!  LOUIS DIDNT TO HAVE TO TELL ME ANYTHING. I CANT BELEIVE YOU. SORRY IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT HARRY.  YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON AND THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. I SHOULDVE  KNOWN. ANYONE RELATED TO THAT PIG IS THE DEVIL WITHIN. YOU TWO BELONG WITH EACHOTHER. GO TO HELL. 

Before harry could understand Niall was gone.

This is all your fault!

What's going on?

*

As the sunlight poor through the windows Louis' eyes open up. A calming sound takes over the room. The sounds of the nurses laughing and that one kid that loses everything asking if anyone seen his toothbrush. Louis sits up and looks around. He's supposed to be meeting with his therapist today and he quite nervous. His skin is filled with goose bumps and his bones shake.

Always cold.

He thinks. 

After finishing his morning routine.  Miss lacy calls him over.

Next to her he sees a tall boy.

"Louis I'd like for you to met a newcomer." Jackson this is Louis, Louis this is Jackson. "

Louis nodds at the boy. 

" Louis why don't you take Jackson here to go and get some breakfast,  he's had a long night."

Louis dosent think he can really say no here, so instead he just remains his quiet self. Nodding and signaling for Jackson to follow. The boy does so silently as well.

"What would you like?" Louis asks.

"Just an apple." Jackson looks down as Louis grabs it for him. After Louis gets his food they take a seat.

" How long have you been here?" Jackson asks after a few minutes of silences.

"A few days. Why?" He would Ask the boy what's he in for but something tells him to not.

"They told me I would be here for 3 days."

"Oh. I don't think you're gonna be here for 3 days, they told me that to." Louis drinks from his water bottle as Jackson countinues.

"I have party to go to on Saturday and I will be very angry if they keep me here longer than how long they told me to." 

Louis swallows at the young boys voice.

It went from soft and polite to scary and dangerous in a split second. Something Louis didn't even know was possible. His features did the same.

Jackson was hot.

His naturally blonde hair layed effortlessly styled and his grey eyes round and big went perfectly with the freckles that covered his pale face. His lips thin and pink we're usually between his straight white teeth. 

Louis could barely contain himself.

But still.

Harry was hotter.

"Oh." Louis whispered, not really knowing how to reply to his minature freak attack.

"Sorry. Stressed" Jackson sighed.

"It's fine I understand. "

Chapter Text

Louis is silent on his way to Dr. Waters room.

He has to prepare himself.

Its his 4th day with her but he already feels run down and tired.

These therapists are crazy as shit.

The first time he met her she was...intense. Not how you would think a therapist would be.

Maybe Louis watched to many movies that involved stuff like this, but he always thought if he ever did be in this prediciment his therapist would be...predictable, using big words and long monolouges about people Louis has never heard of and asking him personal questions and smiling. 

But Dr. Waters, was the complete oppisite.

The way she looked at Louis wasnt filled with hope. She didnt use big words or recite long monolouges, her office wasnt filled with old books and her brown hair wasnt in a bun nor did she wear glasses. She looked as if she was a person Louis would find on the streets of London. Posh and tall wearing black with an intense cat-eye eyeliner.

Louis didnt know if he loved it or hated it yet.

He did like the fact that she wasnt boring or predictable. She was young and even though she didnt put much effort in her words Louis could tell she understood. 

She was a genius, in the form a Victoria Beckham look-alike.

But for those same reasons he didnt know if liked her, or hated her.

She was honest, and unknwon. It was as if she knew how gorgeous and smart she was and didnt care if Louis got better.

He remembers the first time he met her.

The way her eyes moved with his figure, scanning every inch of Louis memorizing things Louis probably didnt know about his own self.

"Good morning, Mr. Tomlinson." She said her eyes casting down to her desk after her stares.

"Morning, Dr. Waters-

"Call me Brair" She interupts looking up and breaking into a small forced smile.

Louis doesnt respond but only sits in the chair oppisite.

It remains an awkward silence the only noises coming from the outside halls.

"Why did you try to hang yourself." She drops the pen and crosses her arms. Almost as if she knows the bullshit story Louis is about to say. 

"I was just very wild that night I didnt-

"I didnt mean to kill myself it was just an unusual circumstance that caused the event, yea I get your form of lieing is original and useful if you were in grade school talking to your public school counselor but you arent ,now why dont we repeat my question together so you understand the seriousness of it. Why did you try to hang yourself?"

Louis, obviously taken back stares mouth open at her.

Her eyes narrow and her jaw moves as she chews her gum.  

"I.." Louis is speechless. He suddenly forgot the script he made up, even if he did remember it, Waters would see right through it.

Louis doesnt remember much after that and the other days were silent.

So to say Louis is both excited and terrified at the same time would be an understatement.

She knows.

But she doesnt care.

And that makes Louis want to tell her everything.

But if he tells her everything, he'll have to tell her about Harry.

And Louis doesnt want to.

He doesnt know if he is ashamed or in love or anything when it comes to Harry.

He hasnt heard from him ever since he's been here.

Louis feels as if he should...do something.

He just doesnt know what.

Would Harry even care?

"Louis? Dr. Waters is ready for you, go right in." The nurse smiles, and Louis thanks her before he walks in.

The room smells of vanillia and Louis can hear all the little things going off in the room and its almost relaxing.  

He takes a seat well aware of Waters staring and relaxes himself in the soft leather couch hes grown to love.

"How are you Louis?" The question comes off as a surprise because shes never really asked him that before.

"Well, considering the fact that Ive been in a crazy house for the past week, I could be better." He calmy snaps.

"Good, good, and hows your friend, Jack?"

"Jackson." Louis corrects.

"And I dont really know, when he was told he was staying for atleast 2 weeks he completely lost his shit and they toke him away."

"Probably in to the quiet room." Waters replies.

"Whats that?" Louis quietly asks.

"Its a white room with a bed and chains, just incase you dont agree with the decor." She answers and that makes Louis feel sick.

Louis has only known Jackson for about a week but hes already really good friends with him and just imangining him chained to a bed kicking and screaming like he did yeasterday makes Louis feel uneasy.

Waters sees this and quickly changes the conversation.

"So what would you like to talk about today? I recently heard that if you ask siri whats 0 divided by 0 she'll say-

"Can we talk about why I tried to hang myself?" Louis asks, the bones underneath his skin shake with a sudden chilling.

Waters doesnt look surprised or shocked but only beautiful, and understanding.

"Why did you try to hang yourself that night Louis?" She asks, her voice sounds the same from the first time but in a way...it doesnt. She doesnt angrly chew her gum or cross her arms. She just stares waiting for Louis to begin.

"All my life, things happened to me that I couldnt control. When my dad left and when I figured out i was gay, when I couldnt  stop the bullying. It was as if my life was some story some asshole above was reading out loud and it all just felt like it was underwater and I couldnt breathe. It was like I was watching myself die and all I could do was stare and cry. And then I go to that party I suddenly could control everything. And I felt it. At that party I felt the control. The pieces of me coming together and I could survive it."

"But you didnt know that girl was going to do that. You couldnt control that-

"Yes I did, Harry told me. I just didnt believe him, I couldve left when I had my dignity. I couldve gone out without a single scar that night and avoided this whole mess. But I didnt. I stayed and now look where I am. I controlled my actions that night and I walked into a trap."

"So you were mad at yourself?" Waters say as if she knows everything now and knows the whole story but Louis looks up his eyes filled with past and anger and his voice spilled like a watercolor mess.

"Ive been mad at myself for 17 years. I wasnt mad, I didnt try to kill myself because I was angry. No"

He sits back the sunlight catching the blue orbs of his eyes and the dust particles painting the air around him.

"I just wanted to control a little bit of my life. I cut not only to feel but to know I own my own body, its mine and I can do with it what I please. It was as if the voices in my head were telling me I was running out of control. So I did the ultimate test. And that was to take my own life. I know its crazy but Im so tired of watching myself fall apart. It was my turn to do something horrible."

And it was that moment Louis knew.

He was fucked up.

The tears started falling and his throat suddenly became dry with a lump. He wanted to crawl up into his mothers arms and stay there forever.

Dr.Waters didnt do anything when Louis started crying. She only pushed more. She had something up her sleeve and Louis was unaware.

"Whose Harry?" She asks. Her voice straight and urgent.

Louis doesnt answer.

"I just wanted to know that I was a real person."

"HARRY. You said something about a boy warning you who is he."

"This isnt a movie, Im alive." Louis hugs himself.

"Whose Harry?"

"WOULD YOU STOP ASKING ABOUT HARRY!" Louis screams his voice horse and determined.

"LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING NOW. ITS ME." Louis is standing.

Its silent and intense and Louis is streaming. He wants someone to listen. No..he needs someone to listen. And she is a fucking therapist. Its her job to listen! But what she says next makes Louis understand.

"Well, you just controlled what I was doing to you." Waters stands up as well walking around her desk to Louis.

"Why is it so hard to do that to this girl.?" She asks.

Louis deflates and gets it. She really is good.

"Because Stacy isnt just a person-

"Then what is she, a queen?"

"In some way yes!" Louis laughs.

"You said it yourself Louis, from the day you were born nothing has been in your control. But this is where it ends. You tried to kill yourself. And that girl gives no shits. This is where it begins. You do what you want and stop listening to the voices in your head, Im pretty sure this Harry guy wants you to do the same."

Louis blushes at that.

"Sorry." Is all he says.

"No worries." Waters smiles and its a real smile where it reaches her eyes and she is stunning. 

"We'll talk more about this Harry boy tomorrow, and well do some more excerises to help you stand up for yourself. Give it a few days and you'll be back home. Healthy." Her voice is smooth and she hugs him, tight.

And Louis feels ok.

"Alright." Louis replies.

So Louis leaves out without another word. The tears drying on his face.

He feels good.

His throat hurts like a bitch.

But he feels good.

When he gets back to his room to lay down, he finds Jackson laying on his own bed. Hes asleep eyes closed and twitching. 

Louis's heart drops and he moves swiftly to his friend. He notices a cut on his lip and bruieses around his arm and his breathing loud like a child after a tantrum.

"Shhh its ok." Louis wishpers and at that Jackson starts to cry again. So Louis climbs into the tiny bed and holds him, as if he were a mother and Jackson was his baby. Jackson turns around and digs himself in Louis necks with murmurs of this place is scary, I want to go home, I dont belong here.

And all Louis says is

"It's fine I understand."

Chapter Text

Next time, Harry meets Liam.

He’s sitting on a park bench, wrapped in a thin jean jacket.

Harry thinks it belonged to Zayn.

This all happens when Harry decides to take his younger cousin, Tara out for a walk. She asked and he needed some fresh air to clear his mind anyway.

Ever since that…. lovely run in with Niall at the supermarket a week ago, Harry's stomach has been in the pits of darkness and confusion. Something was telling him that maybe Louis wasn't where he thought he was.

Something was telling him that maybe Louis wasn't even alright.

So in order to get his thoughts at least semi- organized he took Tara out for a walk.

And it's there he find Liam, all alone skin identical to ice, just like Niall.

Before he walks over to him, Harry makes a list of why he should go to Liam.

• Liam has always had more tolerance than Niall, if Harry said something wrong Liam would at least tell him what he said instead of going off on him and then leaving.

• Liam is just as close to Louis as Niall is, so he is sure to know where Louis is.

• Louis is more easier to get through to, if Harry does just the right amount of begging, Liam will break eventually.

But while he makes up this list, the dark part of Harry's mind begins to make a list of why he shouldn't go to Liam.

• Liam is closer than Niall and Louis than he will ever be to Harry, odds are he hates him just like the other two and Harry is not ready for another blow to his ego in the form of an angry rant.

• Liam has been hanging with Zayn a lot and he would have eventually told Zayn something but so far, nothing so Harry guesses maybe Liam knows nothing at all.

• Liam looks tired and beaten down like everyone else.

So here Harry stands, both the bad and good balanced exactly the same on a scale and his options weighed heavy on whatever he does. Tara is playing on the swings, eyes lifted towards the sky with a childish glimmer to them. The one Harry always notices in Louis.

He misses Louis so bad it hurts.

He walks over to Liam.

“Hey.” Harrys voice is soft barely an audible whisper. The worst part of it all was that's how loud Harry could make his voice in the heat of the moment.

Nevertheless Liam hears it, he turns his head a little, mouth a little slack like always when he is thinking and his brown eyes scan Harry's green ones in an effort to communicate. But when Harry doesn't seem to understand the language of eyes Liam speaks.

“Hello.”

Harrys shoulders slump at that.

Liam doesn't sound angry or disgusted, he just sounds tired, and scared.

Harry doesn't exactly know why but he takes that hello and he runs with it.

Harry sits next to Liam, close enough to whisper but not close enough to make the boy feel uncomfortable.

“What are you doing here?” Liam looks at Harry, brows furrowed and lips curled.

Harry signals to Tara who is still currently on the swings.

“I took my cousin out to the park today.”

“Its freezing.” Liam replies.

“She doesn't care much for the weather.” Harry chuckles. But it isn't a real chuckle.

Liam makes a sound of acknowledgement at that.

They sit in silence, Harry doesn't know how long but they just sit there, lost in their own oceans of thoughts, staring at the young children playing hide and seek. Sometimes Harry wishes he was their age again.

Wondering what tree their friend is hiding behind.

Not wondering what city their closest friend has escaped to.

Harry finally speaks.

“Help me.”

It's all he can come up with. And he’s hoping that Liam just understands. He’s hoping that's all he has to say in order to get an answer out of Liam. He hopes that his voice sounds just as tired and broken and dull as he feels, he hopes all the emotions that has been building up in his insides for the past two weeks have finally come out of his mouth in the form of those two words.

Help me.

He just needs someone to understand. And Liam does understand.

He sighs heavy, fingers cracking as he forms them into tiny fists that grab at his jeans.

And then Liam begins to speak.

“Remember what you said to me about Zayn when I asked you about him one of the first times we met?”

Harry swallows.

“I didn't understand what you meant, I thought you were just talking to hear your own voice. But I get it now Harry. I get what you said. But not only do I get it, I'm telling the same thing to you now.”

Harry's head slowly turns to the boy as he stares at the park again. Harry can see the unrested nights settling in just below Liam's eyes.

“I would love to help you. Honest. It's just I would feel horrible if I was helping you into a kitty pool that turned out to be an ocean.”

And wow .

That hurts.

“But I know how to swim.” Is what Harry replies with.

“You can’t out swim waves made by a windstorm.”

“What happened to him?”

Its urgent now.

“Tell me what happened.”

Harry almost thinks he can see tears falling from Liam’s eyes but he chooses to ignore them.

“Louis has always been an ocean. And we all thought that maybe we could calm him but you can't calm an ocean Harry, not when there's sooo much wind.”

“And whose the wind?” Harry asks but he already knows the answer.

“Why would you do that to him?” Liam looks at him but it's not filled with anger. Only hurt and disappointment.

Harry is shaking his head, wildly before Liam finishes the question.

“I don't know, it was stupid, I was being stupid. I was just trying to warn him, trying show him that people are cruel I.-”

“So you show him by being the cruelest of them out there?” Liams about to stand but Harry grabs tightly onto his arm, like some sort of life saver.

“I wasn't trying to be cruel, I was warning him, he got mad at me, he told me he was a big boy and to stop treating him like some pity case. I thought Stacy was up to something, I thought she was going to do something horrible that night, but the only person that commited the crime was me. I didn't trust him, I grown too attached to him and for a second I thought he was mine. I didn't think what I said hurt him this much! Not so much that he just ups and leaves!”

Harry is breathing like a storm when he finishes, his own tears threatening to leave his eyes.

When he does open them, Liam is staring at him with a mixture of confusion and irritation on his face.

“You honestly think what Stacy did wasn't horrible or a crime?” He asks.

Now it's Harry's turn to lift his eyebrow.

“What no, she didn't do anything..? Right?”

“Were you not there?” Liam sits down.

“No, I left about an hour after it began, after I had that fight with Louis, you weren't there?”

“No.” Liam shakes his head. “I was with Zayn out in the…..that's not important actually.” Liam blushes but continues nonetheless.

“Wait so you weren't at the party when Stacy got on the table?”

Harry stands up.

“What table.. Whats going on?”

Realization explodes over Liam's face.

“YOU DID HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I KNEW YOU WEREN'T LIKE HER! HARRY YOU WERE RIGHT!”

“Huh” Harry's mouth falls open.

“Sit.” Liam says more sternly.

“Ill tell you everything I know.”

                                             *

“Do you like Harry?” Dr. Water asks, after Louis tells her everything.

“I'm not sure.” Louis scratches his head.

“I like the way he makes me feel, the way he’s able to get me forgetting about my past. Sometimes when the voices are yelling at me, it's his that makes them stop. Telling me to breathe. To continue breathing.”

“And I think that means you like him, Louis.” She closes her binder.

This is their conversations now.

Not so much about what happened the night Louis tried to kill himself, not all about his past, not about Stacy not even about the control that has been finding its way into Louis daily life.

But it's about Harry.

“He has someone.” Louis looks away.

“You can't be just friends with him?” She asks, pulling her hair away from her face.

“I can try but I don't think I can I think I'm always going to want him.” Louis runs his fingers through his own hair.

“I see.” She replies, standing up and walking around her desk.

“Louis, the thing I find out to be your biggest issue, other than your lack of control, is your inability to just take things.”

She stares at him from her spot next to the window.

“You never let yourself have anything nice.”

“Not true, I let myself have Niall and Liam.” Louis cuts in.

“Oh yes my apologies but that's two nice things out of how many nice things?”

Louis doesn't answer.

Far too many nice things to count.

“Exactly.” She smiles. And walks over to him.

“So what should I do?” Louis asks, he stuffs his hand inside his jumper, well technically it's Jackson's jumper but he's borrowing it for today.

“Just be friends with him!” She laughs. “I know it's hard to get rid of your feelings but I rather have you with him and happy than away from him and being like when I first met you. You have came such a long way I think. And if you find someone that understand your pain, that's willing to help you with that pain, Keep them, even if it's only as a friend.”

Louis shakes his head.

“Alright, that's all we have time for today I'm afraid. Hows..Jackson doing?” She lifts an eyebrow.

“Hes better.” Louis says lightly. The boy still gets locked up but he’s not as traumatized anymore, not like that first time.

“Good.”

Louis stands and is walking towards the door.

“Thank you.” He smiles.

“Thank you.” Dr. Waters returns the smile.

                                             *

When everyone is in bed fast asleep -unconscious and away from this reality- is when Louis lets his guard drop.

He looks carefully over to Jackson who is snuggled into the corner of the bed and clutching his pillow.

Louis makes a noise.

Jackson doesn't sturr.

Louis claps.

Jackson does nothing.

Which basically means he is out for the night.

Louis lays his head down turned towards the inside of the wall.

And he begins to cry.

Dr. Waters taught this to him. At first Louis thought it was stupid but she told him that it's the first step to being in control of his emotions.

You told me that you only cut yourself at night right? She asked one day.

Its when I am finally alone.

Louis had said.

So maybe instead of cutting at night. Why don't you just try crying. You will get those emotions out just like before, but now you won't be hurting yourself and you'll feel a little bit better by morning.

So Louis tried it.

And in its own little way.

It worked.

So every night. When everyone else is asleep.

Louis is crying.

And every morning when everyone is awake, he is Louis again.

A time bomb.

Dr. Waters called him.

That only explodes at night.

Chapter Text

“You've got a visitor today.”

Louis looks up from his book.

He’s currently reading The Bell Jar.

Dr. Waters recommended it to him, when he told her that he found himself quite bored these days.

He's been here for nearly two weeks.

And Louis finds it quite funny if he is being honest.

He finds it funny how time is slowly becoming something he doesn't pay attention to.

He doesn't care for it anymore.

He has no energy.

Sometimes, when he cries at night he can't sleep. He's too busy crying to understand the importance of sleep and his eyes slip close for only a moment then open right back up when the sunlight comes through the window.

So he moves through his routines. His body acts like a robot and he is functioning like a human but he isn't paying attention to time.

He's just bored out of his mind.

So Dr. Waters gives him The Bell Ja r and tells him to read it for those nights when the tears don't come out.

They always come out.

But Louis still reads it anyway.

And it's here when he sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, waiting for his therapy session when a nurse tells him someone is here to see him.

He raises an eyebrow.

Liam and Niall never come on Wednesdays.

Zayn doesn't come at all.

Harry doesn't even know he’s here.

And the last time he saw his mom, he was screaming at her to never show her face around him again.

They are a little broken right now but Louis doesn't like to think about it.

Save it for tonight. He says to himself.

So who could it be?

He puts the book down and stands up.

It's currently 8:00pm aka visiting hours.

He walks through the halls. Not flinching at the grey walls, not looking around in fear. Just walking.

The nurse stops in front of one of the meeting rooms parents get put in and she opens the door.

Louis just wishes he had enough time to reconcile.

It's Harry.

There the boy sits. His limbs folded up to fit on the too small sofa he's sitting on. Black jeans and a black shirt.

Harry with his dimples and green eyes.

It's Harry who is staring at him.

And Louis can't help but to feel like the first time he seen Harry.

Completely wonderstruck.

For a second they say nothing. They just stare at eachother, disbelief and shock, and a sort of bittersweet happiness being exchanged through their eyes and the nurse coughs into her fist and then they are awake.

“Lou is this family? You know you're not supposed to have friends but only immediate family-”

“He's close enough.” Louis lies.

Harry shakes his head.

The nurse looks between the two for a few moments. She looks like she wants to fight some more but Louis guesses that she came to the realization that she doesn't get paid enough to actually care so she leaves the two alone.

“Hey.” Harry says quietly.

Louis doesn't reply, but he does sit down. He's at a comfortable distance from Harry, far enough that Harry won't really see the bandages wrapped around Louis’s wrist.

Or the fading red line around his neck.

They sit in silence again but Louis can't take another second and begins to speak.

“How did you find me here?” He whispers. And Harry clears his throat.

“Liam told me everything.” Harry says cautiously. Almost like he's afraid Louis will get angry.

But Louis doesn't get angry. He's too tired to get angry.

He’s been crying all night.

“Oh.”

And more silence.

“Where do we start?” Harry asks.

He sits up straighter and his lips thin out.

“Tell me what happ-”

“I am in no mood to recall the experience that got me here Harry.”

Control.

Harry goes silent but nevertheless answers.

“Alright.”

Louis still feels tired.

They sit in silence again. Both drowning in their separate thoughts of the other.

“Why did you show up Harry?” Louis asks.

And Harry is silent for a few moments. Brows furrowed as he tries to come up with a respectable answer.

“Because to know you were hurting was actually hurting me.  You've gotten too close to me for me to let you feel that way. I just want to make sure you're alright. That you don't feel sad anymore. At least not as sad as you were that night. .”

And Louis can't help but to scoff at that.

“And how will you do that Harry.”

And it's the way he looks at Louis. The way his eyes stay on Louis. It's like he is really is only focusing on Louis.

It takes his breath away.

Then Harry speaks.

“By always being there for you.”

And yea Louis feels tired.

But he also feels like he’s in love.

                                                             _****_

They're eating hamburgers when Liam realizes it.

It's him and Niall on a park bench. Arguing about why Liam told Harry about Louis. Arguing on why Harry should not know.

“He’s Louis’s friend Niall. He has the right to know!” Liam defended.

“I don't care if he was his brother! You should've asked Lou first. Thats messed up Liam.” Niall is pale and red.

He’s been pale a lot lately.

“You let him think it was his fault. You had to know that Harry had nothing to do with that whole situation yet you still put it on him and ignored his que-”

“I didn't know if he really was involved or not. I didn't want to be kind to him just in case. And he was so annoying with it! Always wanting to know, he’s not even that close to Louis!”

“He’s close enough.” Liam pinches the bridge of his nose.

They sit there, heaving from their argument.

“You shouldn't have told him. It was up to Louis.” Niall finally says.

“You know Louis likes him Niall.”

NIall goes silent at that. And Liam can see his jaw tightening and his muscles stifling.

“You know it's true Ni.” He says more slowly.

And then it clicks in Liam's brain. The sudden realization. The dropping feeling in his stomach and his heart beats a little faster and he feels a little more out of breath and tired.

Liam closes his eyes and breathes deeply. Then he looks at Niall, eyes searching for something he knows isn't there.

“Right?” Liam asks again. His voice almost a begging sound.

“Harry doesn't deserve Louis.” Niall says oddly calm.

“Harry has a boyfriend. He isn't dating Louis anyway. And I like Harry. Louis does too.”

He knows whats happening. He knows this is happening.

“Niall.” Liam puts his hand on NIall's shoulder but he yanks it back when NIall stands abruptly.

“He will never know him like we do Liam. He will never understand. You were wrong for telling him. And he is wrong for going there. That is a private place. Not some fucking stage to act like he really cares. If he did he would've stayed at that party. He doesn't deserve Louis. He won't care for him like you. He won't care for him like me.”

And before Liam could say anything else.

NIall is stomping away.

He won't care for him like me.

And when he is gone Liam notices two things:

1: His burger has pickles on it, even though he asked for none.

2: Niall is in love with Louis.