Work Text:
I am falling
everything is all
monochromatic
Until that one moment
when I lose control
and pay the price
from the red lines
on my wrists.
I am trying to survive
I am trying
I am trying
so hard.
I am, I promise.
I swear I am
But no one sees
through the faked smiles
the way that I want to disappear
when I constantly fuck up
no one sees how only my friends light up
my day when he holds me
to him.
He will never know that he is saving me everyday
Mikey Way is utterly oblivious
I would like to keep it that way.
I don't deserve them
my parents
care too much about me
when here I am
everynight
battling all the fog that won't leave.
Here I am, pen to paper
hastily putting my tornado
of thoughts to paper
instead of the red lines on my wrist
and the heaviness
of the self hatred
that comes when I hurt myself.
I write pointless
empty words.
That mean nothing
alike to the vessel who wrote them.
I need Pete,
I need my best friend,
my brother.
But we are separated
by different uniforms
different homes.
The only thing keeping us together
when we are apart
is the light shining from our phones and our laughs into receivers.
With shaking fingers,
I hurriedly dial Gerard's number
he picks up on the first ring.
"Hey. Tell me."
"I... can't do this anymore. It- it won't stop.
I want it to stop. I want it all to stop."
I say too softly, the heaviness lifted from my spine,
replaced with numbing anxiety.
"You matter, Pat, please stay."
"But..." I protest, my voice hoarse from the crying and the screaming.
"Ignore it tonight.
Please."
The stars, the chunks of light,
are surrounding me,
cutting through
the static,
the fog,
the darkness.
"The world may be ugly, Pat,
but it is also remarkable
and beautiful."
My dam breaks and I sob into the receiver.
"Gee,
I love you.
Thank you."
I hear his sigh of
relief.
"You matter, Pat, I mean it.
And I love you so much.
I'm proud of you.
I'll be here in the morning okay?"
"You promise?"
I can hear Gerard's laugh-cry into the phone "Always."
"I'll never end up like you."
"You will Patrick, it'll all come together. Some day at least
and for the time being,
we'll be here.
And you can hold onto us all you want."
He muttered something I didn't catch,
"What did you say?" I asked gently.
I could hear his small smile through the phone
His soft voice wavered through the mobile line, shaking with every word.
"Hold on tight,
this ride is a wild one
make no mistake,
the day will come when you can't cover up what you've done.
Now don't
lose your fight kid.
It only takes a little push to pull on through.
With so much left to do,
you'll be missing out.
And,
we'll be missing,
you."
And so the sun rose
and here I was.
Still breathing,
my heart thumping,
Gerard's arms around me;
"Do you want Pete to come round?"
He whispered into my ear
with a soft smile.
I nodded, careful not to fall apart all over again.
Gee traced the lines on my wrists, a sad smile etched on his features.
"How long have you been clean for?"
I contemplated my answer - trying to remember, then the truth dripped from my tongue.
"Three weeks."
"Have you been writing?"
I gave my friend a look and laughed gently, tears suddenly springing to my eyes.
"Yes, I have."
"Your words matter, Patrick, like you do.
Please remember that."
"I will," I muttered.
"I promise you."