Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There is a singular job in hell that Yoongi is of the opinion that most wouldn't want to be stuck doing.

That job, is manning the Afterlife Call Center.

No one knows why something like that had been set up really. Hoseok over in Sales and Marketing had once said that it’s probably a relic from back when hell’s (still) reigning political party, the NSP, had been in a bit of a funk after social media had finally trickled down to the afterlife, and suddenly, the party's obvious decline had been clear for all of the afterlife to see; what with civilian journalism and a free and common platform on which to give voice to the complaints that had been burgeoning over the years. So, in their haste to appease the revolting masses, money had been thrown, policies had been changed, and all sort of haphazard campaigns and micro-projects had been launched; until Beelzebub had worked up from his 40 year sabbatical nap and got everyone to calm the fuck down before overhauling everything and whipping the party back into shape as it had stayed for the last ten years.

But yes, a lot of those campaigns and micro-projects are still lurking in the shadows, hiding amongst the red-tape and paperwork, and Yoongi wouldn't be surprised if Hoseok is right and the Call Center is one of them. The very idea of it smacks badly of the under researched decision of higher ups who had had no clue about the lives of the common people: in this particular case, the fact that the last time Ouija boards had been used by denizens living above ground to communicate with hell had been somewhere in the 1100s. And that nowadays, the only people who actually use Ouija boards are idiot humans, usually dumb kids, who don't know what they are messing with.

So, the Call Center is obviously swamped with nonsense calls, and there aren’t any actual denizens with actual things to communicate, unlike in Yoongi's actual job replying customer query emails as part of hell’s Public Relations and Communications department.

Yep. Ghouls, goblins and demons use email. They also use facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other fun and up-to-date social media platforms. Some of the more paranoid ones even use Google hangouts. It's a little annoying actually, that humans think hell’s denizens as so 12th century backwards to use stuff like drawing blood circles and throwing knuckle bones to communicate; because as much as they'd been useful back then when there'd been nothing else, human technology has advanced so much and is so much more reliable and far less messy.

But then again, that had actually been the work of his department: the spreading of such misinformation to humans so that those denizens on the top side can live with their identities hidden.

Yes. It is irrational that Yoongi is annoyed that their own campaigns had worked so well. Even more irrational when you know that he’s had a hand in perpetuating some of them too.

Doesn't change the fact that he still is annoyed.

But then, most of Yoongi's existence is encapsulated in the word. Jimin theorizes that it's because he's so overly polite while working, and thus it sucks up any positive energy he has, leaving only grumpiness for the rest of the time. Yoongi had thrown a pencil at him, which… admittedly had proven Jimin’s point. But whatever, seeing the pencil hit Jimin’s nose had been all too satisfying.

Anyway.

So yes, the Afterlife Call Center is a joke. Especially since they do actually have an actual hotline that always has the crankiest old-time denizens calling in - the ones who had last updated themselves during the era of the landline and just gave up when the computers started rolling in. Yoongi always has had the greatest respect for the guy who mans the hotline, because he is very good at his job, and somehow always manages to calm even the angriest, crankiest of complainers and the hotline has never gotten any negative feedback ever since he'd taken over. Plus, double the respect, because he also manages their Instagram account, and had managed to double their follower account over their last two years, even if their supervisor doesn't approve of his methods (no, Taehyung, you're not approved to do a ‘the Office’ style Insta video series to introduce the members of our departmen- what do you mean you already did it?!).

Yeah. The guy's name is Taehyung. Kim Taehyung. And to Yoongi, he's the funniest, smartest and most adorable creature in all the three realms.

His ass is also really, really hot.

Ok, so Yoongi's feelings towards him don't strictly stay in the safe corner of admiration that is simply ‘respect' but might straddle a little towards the ‘I‘d really like him to kiss me and then fuck me’ side.

Or a lot.

Maybe.

Yoongi ain't gonna admit it anyway. To anyone. It wouldn't end well. For one thing, Yoongi isn't going to be in anyone's admiration list for any reason any time soon, let alone Kim Taehyung's. And for another thing, Taehyung has more than once declared himself a flighty spirit not interested in relationships more than just one night stands, and as much as Yoongi wants to fuck Taehyung, he doesn't hate himself that much to do something so masochistic to give himself that much of a heartbreak.

Plus, the whole office would probably ridicule him if it comes out. And he has a reputation as cold-blooded and grumpy to upkeep. So there's that.

In any case, this is why, instead of confessing his feelings or something equally stupid, Yoongi simply scraps together whatever time he can have alone with Taehyung without being too suspicious, and the easiest way is to get Seokjin annoyed enough with him to schedule him in for Call Center duty.

Because Taehyung is always doing something to annoy their supervisor. Or rather, Seokjin isn't so much annoyed as resigned and as much as the Call Center is useless, someone needs to manage it during it's opening hours, otherwise, HR would come down on their heads.

So Taehyung has to manage it about 40% of the time, and the other 60% is managed by Jungkook, who also manages their Facebook, and also has a ridiculous crush on Seokjin and also does the stupidest pigtail-pulling shenanigans to get Seokjin to notice him. But they're never on duty together. Seokjin had tried that once and the entire department had had to work overtime for a week to manage the backlash from the Burrito incident.

Granted, that incident had also garnered them a new 10k followers across all their platforms.  But. Still.

In any case, it doesn't take too much for Yoongi to get assigned Call Center duty. Jungkook has done his damage for this week by ‘accidentally' mailing out to the whole department a picture of Seokjin’s face photoshopped to some meme or another, but Seokjin can't put him on duty for another two days because he just put Taehyung on duty for posting images of puppies on the Instagram (“But puppies are always relevant!” “No, Taehyung.”), and he's practically itching to get someone more responsible to babysit Taehyung and he's pretty grumpy already anyway. So all Yoongi has to do is ‘accidentally' cc the whole department his reply of a smiley face to Jungkook's email and the next thing he knows, he gets a passive aggressive email that says that since he seems to be free enough, he can take some extra responsibilities, hmm?

Yoongi does send some passive aggressive emails in return, but only so as to not seem suspicious. He also drags his feet as he packs up his laptop as he moves over to the closet room where they've kept the Ouija equipment set up permanently. It's listed as the official Call Center room, but to be honest, it's as official as the curled and yellowing paper sign with ‘Afterlife Call Centre Center’ stuck onto the door.

Yoongi doesn't go in right away. He can hear Taehyung through the thin wood of the door, and he's taking a call right now. It definitely doesn't matter to Taehyung if Yoongi just walks in, because, as earlier said, Taehyung is a professional, and he's literally continued a call during a surprise bombardment from heaven before, running through fire and brimstone while telling some old crone, “yes ma’am, we don't really accept gypsies for being gypsies anymore. And people are doing a lot of crazy acceptance stunts. I mean, look at Wall Stree- yes, yes. I mean, I hope it won't come to that ma’am. There's a lot of stigma about murderers even here. Unless she's a psychopath- no, no. You shouldn't make your niece murder someone ma’am. That would be more manslaughter anyway. Besides, there's classier ways to end up in hell.”

So, yes. Taehyung wouldn't be bothered. But really, it's just good manners. And also, Yoongi needs a little bit of time to calm his suddenly pounding heart back into unaffected coolness.

Yeah. He's pathetic. What's new?

It isn't long before he hears Taehyung utter the standard closing line, for once, not making any weird changes to it. It puts a small smile on Yoongi's face as he opens the door, “not adding your own flare today?”

Taehyung looks up with that oddly charming, right angled smile of his. “Well, I can't be a rebel all the time. And that customer was exhausting. He didn't deserve my wittiness.”

Hell yeah, none of them don't. But Yoongi simply smirks, shuffling into the space besides Taehyung and opening up his laptop. “Anything interesting today?”

“Nah. The usual fare,” Taehyung places the landline phone back on its hook before picking up his phone. “Oh but there's this little fucker commenting shit about my ass picture on Instagram. It was fun to stalk and then roast him. Come lemme show you… uh…”

Yoongi leans back, letting Taehyung show him. If nothing else, just to let Taehyung’s wonderfully deep voice just wash over him, even if what Taehyung is telling him sort of… alarms him slightly. A lot of what Taehyung does actually… alarms him slightly.

Not that Yoongi disagrees, per se, with Taehyung's modus operandi. He can accept that this is the way Taehyung is, and can sometimes heartily agree with Taehyung's actions. It's just that it's not something that he himself would have done. But in general, Taehyung is more of an act first, think about it later sort of guy, while Yoongi is a think about it, probably... never... act upon it ever... kind of personality.

(Unless it's roasting someone. Then usually his annoyance makes his mouth move faster than his brain does. It doesn't always end well.)

But anyway, that is why he's sitting here just thinking about playing tonsil hockey with Taehyung instead of actually doing it.

He's distracted from fantasizing when he hears something rattling, and Taehyung's voice cuts off at the same time, which means he isn't hearing things.

Ey, this is hell, if you don't hear things once in a while then something probably is wrong.

Anyway, this time, the rattling is real, and both Yoongi and Taehyung realize at the same time that it's the planchette of the Ouija board rattling, meaning, someone has successfully connected to the Afterlife Call Center.

In the span it takes Yoongi to let out a groan in annoyance, Taehyung has let out a whoop and has reached over to put his fingers on the planchette, activating it before Yoongi can even sit up. “Oooo… I hope it's high school boys. They're always the most hilarious to prank.”

“Hey. Wait. I need to record this down-” the message coming through is probably gonna be ass-wipe dumb, but Yoongi records it all anyway, because it'd invite trouble if nothing was ever recorded. And, if nothing else, to have solid proof as to why this stupid Call Center should be shut down (even if he's exploiting the stupidity for his own gains). But obviously, Taehyung isn't listening as he lets the Planchette slide over the board, reading out the first message as Yoongi scrambles to open a new document on his laptop.

Luckily, the first message is just a customary ‘h-e-l-l-o’. And Taehyung responds in kind as Yoongi hastily starts typing.

“W-h-o-a-r-e-y-o-u. Who are you. Ooo… sounds like humans. Well, it's always humans.” Taehyung has a look of contemplative glee on his face, “what should I tell him? Eh. I know! I should tell them I'm Satan-”

“Wait. Taehyung, no-” Yoongi interrupts then, “don't use his lordship’s name in vain. Just- just tell them you're some ghost of Susan or Mary or Eunkyung or something.”

“Eh but I've done that before. That's boring.” Taehyung whines, already moving the planchette. “And he doesn't really care. Besides, all part of PR right? I'm sure he'd appreciate the publicity.”

“Taehyung, the last time you did something like that, someone made a shitty book and people kept thinking Lord Satan looked like a humanoid goat.”

That really hadn't been very fun with how grumpy Lord Satan had gotten. Even if it had surprisingly caused a surge in sales, possibly caused by humans not expecting Lord Satan to have an actually really attractive form and thus not recognizing temptation for what it is (because evil is ugly - hah Yoongi is still really proud of that one); and Lord Baphomet had certainly gotten a kick out of it.

“Well, maybe this time they'll make something cool. Like a game or something. They made a pretty good movie when I told one group I was a demon. And don't say it was shitty. It even got Jungkook a little bit scared.”

The movie, admittedly, had been pretty good. And it had been pretty good PR. But still.

Unfortunately, by the time Yoongi realizes that Taehyung had simply been distracting him, the younger had already finished spelling out his message to the recipient on the other side.

“Fuck, Taehyung.” Yoongi sighed, pausing a moment to rub his temples. “What did you tell them?”

“That I'm Satan- huh? ...l-l-y-s-a-t-a-n? Am I really Satan? You bet my ass I am.” And Yoongi bites back another groan when Taehyung decisively slides the planchette to the ‘Yes' printed on the board.

He's known Taehyung long enough that short of physically knocking the board over and causing the magic to destabilize and potentially cause a rift between dimensions that would swallow them whole, he has no way of getting Taehyung to stop. And so, he resignedly just types whatever he can get out of the one sided conversation Taehyung has.

“What? Is plan a go? What plan? Don't tell me it's a bunch of Satanists on the other end. Oooo… that would be fun. Maybe they convinced themselves of some weird suicide. Ok so… g-o-f-o-r-t-h-i-n-m-y-n-a-m-e-”

Taehyung really needs to stop using pretentious stock phrases to make fun of the guys up above.

“...Ok? It'll take 3 days? Seriously, that's all you're going to say? Who the fuck are you…”

“Did you just spell that out word for word?” Yoongi does not want a repeat of the Titties incident.

“Huh? Obviously not. I- huh? C-t-h-u… oh. Fuck me.”

Gladly.

Wait. What?

Yoongi looks up to see Taehyung staring at the board with an expression he's rarely seen on the younger’s face: an expression where he's realized that he's fucked up. Terribly. And it makes Yoongi's own heart dip with a sudden, terrifying anxiety. “What? Taehyung- what?!”

Taehyung looks up, finger still on the planchette where it has slid over to ‘goodbye', closing the magic link firmly and completely.

Taehyung swallows.

“C-cthulhu. That was… Cthulhu.”

Well.

Shit.

~*~

So about maybe 800 years ago, Cthulhu had come into into existence from a marriage of the darkest imaginations of one H.P Lovecraft and Satan’s whim.

His background is filled with lore, deep meaning and psychosis on the human fascination with the grotesque and unknown. But for the purposes of today’s story, all you really need to know is that he's this octopus-dragon space alien dude who’s supposed to be sleeping somewhere in the depths of the sea, and when he wakes up, he's supposed to cause a shit-ton of chaos and rule the Earth once again.

And yes, that is a bad thing. Because if it really had been Cthulhu at the Ouija board, it means he has indeed woken up. And if that is really the case, and Taehyung had told Cthulhu that the ‘plan' is a go, then the both of them are fucked, because the ‘plan' can only refer to Cthulhu taking over Earth through bloodshed and terror and that’s actually a definite no-no, because the earthly realms have been declared a demilitarized zone for quite a while, and taking over it like that is akin to a declaration of all-out war.

Yoongi and Taehyung both are too low in the ranks to have the clearance to do that kind of thing. Actually, Yoongi is pretty sure even Seokjin and Namjoon don't really have that kind of clearance either.

Yoongi takes a second to wonder what rank would have the clearance to declare war on heaven before he shakes his head. He's really just procrastinating about the situation at hand.

He really shouldn't have. Because in the span of him doing that, Taehyung has gone from blank to mischevious, confident look. And normally Yoongi low-key loves it. But right now, it just causes the wrong kind of heart palpitations - the kind that will end with them in a shit ton more trouble and Yoongi possibly in paperwork hell.

Not fired. That would be far too kind.

“No.” Yoongi interjects before Taehyung can even open his mouth. “Whatever you're about to suggest, no.”

“I haven't even said anything yet!”

“Yeah. But I already know that whatever crazy idea in your head is just going to get the both of us into even more trouble.”

It's an entirely fair statement, so Yoongi doesn't even feel the twinge of guilt when Taehyung gives him an almighty pout. Yeah, no. That stabbing in his heart was just heartburn from his huge breakfast. Yeah.

“I already said no!”

“At least hear it first before rejecting it!”

“It won't change my answer.”

“Then it makes no difference if you hear it right? I'm just gonna say it-”

“Taehyung-”

“-we should go top side and find Cthulhu ourselves. And then tell him that it was a mistake, and the plan is a no-go. Simple. Sweet. Solves all our problems.”

Yoongi stares.

“... Are you staring because my plan is awesome and you're actually considering it?”

For all Yoongi has a crush on Taehyung, the younger can be freaking ridiculous sometimes. “No. I'm staring at you because you literally confirmed my suspicions that you'd come up with an idea that would get us into even worse trouble. No, Taehyung. That is a terrible idea.”

Taehyung's pout deepens even more. “But hyuuuuuunnnnngggggg…”

“Oh Lord Satan, you seriously only call me ‘hyung’ when you want something-”

“Now who’s the one who’s using the Lord’s name in vain?” Taehyung annoying avoids Yoongi's swat. “Aw come on. Both of us have more than enough days off left, and we can work on our phones anyway. Besides, Jimin owes me for saving his Twitter faux paus so he can take over phone duty for a couple of days.”

“I swear, you-” and then it dawns on Yoongi. “Fucking hell, you just want to take this chance to go top-side don't you? Fuckin’ seriously? This is war we're talking about Taehyung, and you're thinking about taking a vacation?”

“Hey.” Taehyung holds one finger up. “First of all, yes. I fully admit I'm partially in this for the chance to go topside. But I'm fully serious about this being the best idea. Cthulhu said the plan would take 3 days to execute. Meaning, we have 2 days to fix our fuck up-”

“Our?”

“Ok. My fuck up. So we have 2 days to try. And so if we can't find him in 2 days then we have one whole day to report in to the higher ups and they can go into code red and deal with it. But hey, if we do manage to find Cthulhu, problem solved. Even if we can't convince him to stop, we could just, you know, call in, said we found Cthulhu while on our break and then call it in.”

And this is why Taehyung is so good at his job. PR is all about angling the truth, manipulating their words, saying 99% truth and hiding that 1% lie that they want to push past and Taehyung is really the master of making that 1% hard to find. Certainly, Yoongi is struggling really hard right now to.

It's almost as if Taehyung is a bloodhound and can smell a slight crack in Yoongi's defence. “Come on, Yoongi. Even though it's, admittedly, all my fault, you're still gonna get shit even if I tell them that. We have two days, which is ample time to try to fix this. And that's all I'm asking for: a chance?”

Shit. This is really bad. Whatever Taehyung is saying makes sense actually. But it's all still a really bad idea, and Yoongi isn't even thinking about the consequences of if everything went wrong and their deception is uncovered. It's more the fact that it's going to be just the two of them, together.

Alone. Together.

If that's not the worst idea in existence, then Yoongi doesn't know what is.

“No, Taehyung. We should just, report this in now. The faster we do, the faster we'll get our punishment, the faster we'll get it done with.”

Taehyung's pout deepens before it becomes a small scowl. “Well, you know what? I'm going to do it. With or without you. Can I at least get your silence for two days?”

Wait. What?

“You want to go top-side alone? Taehyung, you wouldn't be allowed. The last time you went up, you nearly started a cult-”

“For the last time , it was just a fan club.”

“-They're not going to approve it.”

“The last time I went up it was without permission either.” Taehyung shrugs. “Seokjin never approves my days off out of vindication. But he knows I'm not gonna be in the next day anyway, and payroll reflects them correctly anyway.”

Yoongi groans. If there's anything worse than Yoongi and Taehyung going top-side together, it’d be Taehyung going up alone. Forget about preventing the disaster, Taehyung would probably end up mitigating it, and Yoongi would be incriminated out of pure negligence.

Fucking heaven.

“They're gonna sense something is up if I go together with you.” Yoongi finally says, more as one last paltry attempt to resist this - whatever this is. “They're going to find out even before we start.”

“Nah. I could say that I won a bet and so your payment is coming with me and chaperoning my ass so that Seokjin will approve my days off.”

“You literally just said you take your days off regardless if Seokjin approves.”

“Yes, but it’d still be nice for auditing to not get on my ass for once.” Taehyung shrugs, “I mean, it checks out in the end, sure. But it's still annoying.”

Well then.

“Fine. But we're going top-side and focusing on what we need to do okay? Get the job done, and then come back straight down. No funny business.”

Taehyung's exuberant ‘yay' and ‘of course, Yoongs, what do you take me for?’ don't exactly fill him with confidence, but he knows that this is the best he's going to get.

~*~

“I can't believe it worked.”

“That's the fifth time you’ve said it, hyung.” Taehyung says cheerfully, almost whistling as they both punch their timecards on the way out of the office. An antiquated system tied to red tape since Namjoon isn't particularly a believer in a forced amount of working hours, and as long as the work gets done and no one complains, he’d close both eyes and they all can help punch in each other’s cards to fool the system when anyone needs to take a break and go outside or work from home once in a while.

It's a good system. And Namjoon is a good immediate boss.

But right now, Yoongi’s just wishing it’d had been a little bit tougher to get their days off approved than Seokjin rolling his eyes and just waving them off to get back to work and yes that he'll sign off on the days off, if just to calm Taehyung down.

So, Yoongi’s fate is sealed.

“See you tomorrow, Yoongs!” Taehyung waves goodbye cheerfully even as Yoongi mutters yet another: “that's hyung to you”. And Yoongi wonders if jt's too late to maybe find a witch to curse Yoongi with some kind of sickness and maybe he can beg off this train wreck of an excursion. Or even better, curse Taehyung to be sick, and spend the two days babying over him and taking advantage of his sick ass to have as much skinship as possible.

Yeah, right. Yoongi knows better than anyone else that he’s not going to do that.

(If he does get really, sorely tempted to do the second for more than just a moment, no one will know, because, certainly he’s never gonna tell.)

~*~

Yoongi had forgotten the one thing he hates about going topside the most: the sun.

And Taehyung has the audacity to laugh at him after they step out of the portal for three seconds and Yoongi conjures up a pair of sunglasses and a bucket hat.

“It’d be good to have a bit of sun, hyung.” Taehyung giggles with golden tan, probably carefully maintained from all the rave parties Taehyung attends down at the lava pools. And Yoongi does wish he could maybe not be so pasty white, but he doesn't tan: he burns, becomes lobster red and then flakes. It's not pretty.

So he pretends he doesn't want a tan anyway. It's simpler. “Eurghk.”

“And you're the one who scolds me for acting like I'm five.” But nothing seems like it’d be able to dull Taehyung's mood right now. And he's practically skipping his way down the streets, which strangely, doesn't attract the attention of the humans who are milling the street. They all keep their heads down, going about their own business. As if a 23-year-old-looking young Korean man skipping down the street is something they see every day.

“Where are we anyway?” Yoongi asks, squinting at the buildings around them. Everything is in English… so somewhere in America?

“Can't you tell by the smell of sin, hubris and self-absorption in the air-”

“Taehyung, nearly every overpopulated area top-side smells like that.”

“-We're… in Las Vegas!”

Yoongi ignores the over enthusiastic jazz hands thrust into his face. “Las Vegas? Of all the cliches? Why are we here?”

“Because this is where I traced the Ouija board transmission to.”

Fair enough, but. “He used it like yesterday. What if he's not here anymore.”

“Even then, as long as we can find the Ouija board Cthulhu used to transmit his message, then we can work forward from there. Come on, pretty sure that the signal came from this building.”

Yoongi squints at the row of buildings Taehyung is pointing at. He's expecting to see maybe some old shophouses from the 50s where probably some occult shop is located, but instead, the buildings are tall, shiny and neon, and Taehyung is headed towards the tallest and shiniest one. “Are you sure we're in the right place?”

“Uhuh. Aren't you coming? You're the one who hated the sun so much, you conjured sun protection.”

“Just…” Yoongi stares more, watching light glinting off the glass of fluorescent tubes lining the edges, turned off until the night where they'd shine gaudy and neon. “This is a love hotel.”

Taehyung turns around raising an eyebrow. “You have something against love hotels?”

No. Well. Maybe. But it's more the sudden realization that he and Taehyung are about to step into a love hotel. Together.

His imagination is having a field day right now. His heart is already sinking in disappointment. “I don't have anything against them! Just… I don't think Cthulhu would come here to get an Ouija board of all things.”

“You're welcome to do the calculations again.” Taehyung just snorts, “but mine led me here, so I'm going to go in.”

Taehyung knows that even though Yoongi is technically better at calculations than Taehyung, by the time Yoongi is done checking them, he'd probably would have lost Taehyung by then. And fucking seriously, Yoongi is half tempted to be suspicious because why the fuck would Cthulhu use an Ouija board in a love hotel. But then again, the premise is so strange that even Taehyung wouldn't make up that sort of story just for the sake of getting high off the sin and lust that these places would produce in abundance as a typical denizen of hell might be tempted to do, right?.

Right?

At least, as Yoongi follows into the first hotel after Taehyung, wrinkling at the thick smell of lust and infidelity in the air, he hopes that is the case.

~*~

In all of his very long life, he would never have imagined Taehyung to be such a lightweight.

And as much as it is amusing to see Taehyung babbling away in demon tongue to some human lady who looks mildly petrified and confused at the same time, Yoongi feels a little sorry for her. Like, she definitely can't tell exactly why she's afraid because she obviously doesn't know that the words Taehyung is babbling out could potentially curse her for a thousand years if Taehyung isn't careful, but her human instinct is enough to be able to pick up the danger, like a rabbit with a predator nearby.

He also probably has a social responsibility to stop this before an incident happens. Not that he's really all that inclined to. He too is a denizen of hell after all, and chaos and havoc flow in his blood. But well, even though the sin in the air is leaving him slightly buzzed, he still is supposed to be the older and thus more responsible one and should thus probably stop Taehyung.

But well, he continues watching for a while longer, because it's still more funny than pitying. And it isn't all because Taehyung is actually practically flirting with her, even if she doesn't understand a word, and Yoongi sort of wants Taehyung to maybe accidentally curse her as a twisted sort of petty revenge.

“Ok. Enough.” Yoongi finally goes up to the two and pulls Taehyung away, just as he leans in close to the lady, as if to kiss her. “Sorry ma’am. He thought it was a good idea to start drinking at lunch.”

Yoongi feels a little giggle bubbling up because the lady looks so relieved. Which she should be. The whole ‘she pretends not to be into it but is’ thing had been some dumb scheme made by some overachieving guy in Sales that had become way more effective than it should have. But anyway, he doesn't really have the time or attention span to because now Taehyung is draping over him and whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

“Hey… hey… oh. Yoongi. It's Yoongi isn't it? Yo-you know… you should have… A stripper name. You're so beautiful. I think you should be called Suga… ‘cause… Sugar. Your skin… is so white and it looks… like it's tastes so sweet…”

Yoongi is so distracted, he nearly doesn't prevent it in time, as it is, he manages to get his hand in between his cheek and Taehyung's tongue. And he shudders at the wet, slobbery trail left on his skin - he's thousands of years old, and knows that certain things sexualized on the media aren't necessarily as sexy as the media portrays. It's all mostly personal preference really, and it is not in Yoongi's personal preferences to be licked in public like this.

Of course, Taehyung tries to do it again.

“Fucking heave- Taehyung!” Yoongi tries to push Taehyung's (weirdly adorable) face away from his, “I don't care if you're high on human vice right now. I'm going to dump you into the fountain if you don't stop.”

Taehyung pauses. And for a weird moment, Yoongi is almost tricked into thinking that Taehyung might actually just listen for once.

He does the stupidest thing he's ever done in his life - he lets down his guard.

He barely registers Taehyung suddenly lunging against him. And he lets out a small squeak that he will deny to his death that he ever made such a sound. And by the time his brain catches up, Taehyung's tongue is already invading his mouth and a far too graphic moan has escaped his lips, because there had been a period of time Taehyung had been an utter, terrible slut and his century of solid practice has made him an almost untoppable kisser.

But alas, Yoongi's brain finally catches up. And with it floods in the alarm bells that this, as much as it feels so good to have Taehyung's tongue practically scouring the walls of Yoongi's mouth, is a really, really bad idea.

Several people scream when the resulting splash nearly douses innocent passersby with mildew infested water as Taehyung lands in the nearby fountain.

“Sorry! Sorry! Reflex!” Yoongi announces, almost cattish, as he goes to fish a spluttering Taehyung out. And he pretends that the red flush that travels down from the tips of his ears is from the anger alone and not anything else more incriminating.  

~*~

“I can't believe you really threw me into the fountain, hyung.”

“That's the fifth time you've said that.” Yoongi replies in a wry twist of irony, carefully averting his gaze as Taehyung twists his shirt to get the last of the water out.

“Yes, well. I'll say it a sixth time then: can't believe you seriously threw me into the fountain.” Taehyung sighs, running his hand through moist hair and making himself look ridiculously sexy. Luckily, he doesn't notice Yoongi subtly wiping the side of his mouth where a bit of drool had leaked out. “Although, I guess. You did warn me. And I did deserve it. But wow, did not expect that much sin and lust at two in the afternoon.”

“We are in Las Vegas, the city of Sin.” Although, truthfully, Yoongi had admittedly been taken back as well. He'd been to Las Vegas before, maybe fifty years ago, and the levels were this high, sure, but only at night. Certainly not this early in the afternoon. “Anyway, there's no way you'll be able to search like this if you're gonna end up drunk flirting with anything that breathes after about fifteen minutes. So what do we do now?”

“Aw, nah. I was just taken unaware. Now that I know how thick the vice and lust is, I can guard myself. Although I suppose, asking random people would take too long. Maybe we should just try to speed things up a bit so we don't stay in too long.”

Yoongi folds his arms. “And how do you propose to do that?”

Taehyung is already standing, straightening out his pants. His clothes are already dry - magic. He's sneaky. Yoongi hadn't even sensed the normally telltale vibrations in the air. “Ask the concierge. Duh.”

Yoongi just kind of stares as Taehyung walks off towards the hotel again. And it's more instinct than anything else that gets him moving, because his brain is still trying to process why in any of the realms would it be a logical conclusion that asking the concierge would result in them discovering the location of the Ouija board they were needing?

By the time he catches up, he's too late to maybe dissuade Taehyung from making an idiot of himself and wasting his time. Because Taehyung's already rung the bell at the concierge, waiting for someone to serve him.

“Yah! What do you think you-” is all Yoongi gets to hiss out before some smartly dressed old lady with her hair tied up in a prim bun steps out and asks with such a brilliant smile, Yoongi has to shield his eyes for a moment. “Oh, hello there, sweeties. Are you here to book a room? We have a special discount for couples who like and share our page on Facebook! And I'll throw in a little extra special service for you two since you two look so great together - free sex toys for the first hour?”

Even Taehyung looks a little stunned for a moment, but quickly recovers his composure. “Ahh… yes. But… question. Do you happen to provide… erm. Ouija boards? Authentic ones, hopefully?”

And to both denizens’ surprise, the concierge staff neither looks at them like they had a few screws short of a bucket, nor does she even look blankly at them. Instead, she looks relieved…?

“Ahhhh… I must say we do pride ourselves in being able to provide our customers with the most exotic tools to fulfill whatever kinks they have. But an authentic Ouija board would have been a challenge to get at this time of day.” The lady explains as she tucks a nonexistence strand of misplaced silver hair back behind her ear, “however, you're in luck. A customer from last night had actually requested for this and we haven't had the chance to return it yet. So we definitely can fulfill that request, albeit, since it's a special one, I won't be able to apply any of the discounts we're offering right now.”

Yoongi has mostly tuned out to the specifics of what the lady is saying. All he knows is that Taehyung had done something Yoongi thought had been stupid and it’d just worked out just fine.

What the fuck?

~*~

“...You're surprisingly sober for someone who got deadass drunk after fifteen minutes the first time they’d walked into this hotel.”

“I told you…” Taehyung mutters distractedly as he waves his hand over the Ouija board in a mysterious looking fashion, “I would be fine as long as I knew. Got a barrier up and everythi- hmmm…”

Yoongi looks over from where he's fiddling on his phone, not even looking bothered that he's lounging on an ostentiously huge bed with the gaudiest red satin sheets in history. He looks up and then squints at the mirror on top, rearranging his fringe when he realizes that it had parted. “Found him?”

“Huh? Nah. Not yet. But close.” Taehyung replies offhandedly, humming as shifts the Ouija board a little, before puts the monocle he's holding back up to his eye. “You could help a little you know.”

Yeah. Yoongi could. But when they'd finally gotten into the room the concierge lady had booked for them, Yoongi had taken one look at the Ouija board where it's sitting neatly on the top of the dressing table with legs in the shape of literal human legs with black lines painted into the likeness of fishnet stockings, before being promptly distracted by the bed. And having decided that he'd been standing for too long an extended period of time, he’d simply decided to correct that problem immediately.

Besides, Yoongi's just chaperoning here. He's not about to put in that much work to fix a problem that he hadn't caused in the first place, no matter how much he thinks Taehyung is pretty.

No, Yoongi has not been admiring the way Taehyung sticks out of the corner of his mouth when he's concentrating. In fact, he's been dutifully writing a reply to this email on this enquiry about new sources of human digits because the old ones are apparently running low on stock, like ‘dear ma’am, a good afternoon to you. I'm so sorry to hear about your problem and I would very much love to help you with it. We can probably start with lips and I'll just key in tongue to the technology and we can find out if there are any new sources.’

Fuck.

“Hey, Yoongi.”

And Yoongi has to bite back his scream when his name is spoken far closer than he would expect. Like, next to his ear closer, and he barely keeps himself from lobbing his phone at Taehyung when he discovers his colleague hovering right next to his face. “What the fuck? Taehyun-”

“You know, it's kind of a waste that we've gotten this nice room and we aren't using it at all.”

Yoongi kind of squints at Taehyung, easing backwards while he's at it, “...are you fucking drunk again ?”

To his alarm, Taehyung's gaze sharpens in a way that tells Yoongi that his colleague is definitely not drunk. And that smile that Taehyung has on his face right now is the one Yoongi usually sees only when Taehyung is trying to seduce someone he's identified as a plaything.

Seduce. Or kill.

“No.” Taehyung tilts his head, closing the exact distance that Yoongi had put between them. “As I said for the past ten times, I can guard myself as long as I'm aware. And the level of sin has gone down actually. Probably a lull in the lovemaking. Which… we can change… that…?”

A flash of something hot speeds down Yoongi's spine. And he licks his lips at how close Taehyung is.

Taehyung is right about the lull. But there's still enough residual sin the air that if both of them just let go of their control for a moment, it's more than enough for an excuse to go wild - to lose themselves in to impulses and just fuck all.

Figuratively and literally.  

Taehyung meets Yoongi's eyes. They're sparkling, and there's almost an electric blue in their black depths. “So? How about it?”

How about it indeed.

Yoongi raises an eyebrow, seeming to think about it. And then, Taehyung’s eyes flash with triumph when Yoongi seems to come to some of conclusion, leaning forward; flashing like an archer whose arrow had hit its mark.

He's is so, so smug right now. But the humans have a saying for this:

Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

...or chicks. Is the saying chicks? It logically should be chicks but whatever-

Point is, the jaw dropped confusion on Taehyung's face is enough for Yoongi to focus on the sleek satisfaction of having caused that look to ignore the incoming guilt for playing such a mean trick on his colleague. He's smug enough that he dangles the monocle between his fingers, having grabbed it when he'd leaned over, smirking dramatically, “what I think, is that you've already got the location from the Ouija board, and now you're just trying to distract me so that you can maybe get a little more time top side. Maybe even sneak away if you get me distracted enough.”

Taehyung pauses, before he leans back onto his haunches, looking a combination of annoyed and impressed. “You're no fun. And you're also, wrong. Right, but wrong.”

It's satisfying. But it also oddly hurts. Like a hollow thud in the shriveled thing that is his heart. But thankfully, right now, he's channeling his mean self, the one he uses for work, for scaring humans and for antagonizing heaven. And so it's easy to just package it up and pass it on. And Yoongi's sharp tongue is almost casual as he replies, “sorry honeybuns, but you're not that hot or tempting. Maybe for humans, but I've got some years on you yet. And what do you mean wrong? And what was the location?”

“Dunno. Didn't manage to calculate it.” Taehyung shrugs, “I got lazy. So you were right that I was trying to do something, but not what you think.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes. It hurts a little less when he thinks back and realizes a bit of the flash in Taehyung's eyes had been surprise.

And yet it hurts even more, because it means that Taehyung’s end goal to his seduction hadn't been seduction at all.

Taehyung had had no intention of sleeping with him in the first place.

“You ass.” Yoongi reaches out and smacks Taehyung’s arm, even as Taehyung grins. “You knew I was going to reject you. There are better ways to ask for help, you know?”

“Like you would have agreed any other way. And I did ask. Earlier? Even gave my best pout. You didn't even look at me.”

Right. Right... Taehyung really had. But Yoongi had been staring at his phone. Huh. Good thing he hadn't looked up. He'd either have complied, or more likely, spat out some harsh words as a reflex, and that would have let to more pouting and an even more terrible bout of guilt. As it is, he just shrugs, “I could have.”

Taehyung laughs. “Oh, what a lie that is. The great Min Yoongi falling for my pouts and smirks.”

Yoongi shrugs as he moves over to the table where the Ouija board sits, sighing as he fixes the monocle to his eye. “Well, if it eases your hurt ego a bit, it's a fair enough thought that you might have caught me with this much human vice in the air.”

“Really?”

“No, you idiot. I have the biggest tolerance for it, yeesh. Used to be in Collection before I moved over, remember?”

“Ah… Right. I'd forgotten.” Taehyung looks a little disappointed. “Wow, I know we're all denizens of hell, but you're such a good liar, Yoongs.”

Yoongi doesn't respond, only concentrating on the Ouija board.

Taehyung really has no idea.

~*~

Yoongi groans at the result that pops up when he keys in the coordinates into his map app. “Seriously, why can't Cthulhu go to the usual kitschy places? Like… Some abandoned building, or a creepy cemetery, or even… like… the sewers or something?”

Taehyung gives Yoongi a strange look. “You want to go into the sewers?”

Well, no. Just. “It’d just be a lot easier to locate Cthulhu in the sewers.”

“That is true, but hey. This place is a lot cleaner than the sewers. And a lot more fun.”

“Fun is subjective.” Yoongi mumbles, even as he stares at the name of the establish on his phone. “But seriously, why would Cthulhu go to the biggest casino in Las Vegas?”

“Well, why wouldn't he? The place is a hotbed of greed and vice. And did you say fun is subjective? First you don't like love hotels, now you don't like casinos. What's up with that?”

“I never said I didn't like love hotels.” Yoongi mumbles - that had been entirely circumstantial. But casinos? Well, Yoongi does have an actual dislike and an actual legitimate reason. It's not a good one, sure, considering who he's supposed to be, but it's legitimate nevertheless.

“Could have fooled me. But then you're admitting you don't like casinos?”

Yoongi closes his eyes, thinking of the last time he'd been in one. Of the loud sounds and blinking lights and the sharp tang of greed and gluttony in the air. “Just… don't like the taste of greed. It gives me a headache.”

It's not a lie, but it's not the full truth either. But Taehyung accepts it. Different sins taste different - any denizen of hell would know that, even if it's more apparent to some than others.

Taehyung makes a sympathetic sound, even as he begins to open up a portal to travel to their next destination. “Well, if it gets too much, you can also go to the adjoining restaurant. I usually don't see people having aversions to gluttony.”

“And leave you alone? In a casino?” Yoongi snorts, shaking his head as he steps through the portal. The chaos Taehyung could imaginably cause is actually a little terrifying. “Yeah no. That's not happening.”

~*~

It happens.

But not because Yoongi loses Taehyung in the crowd or something understandable like that. It's literally because Taehyung just isn't there the moment he steps out of the portal and into some… dank alleyway somewhere.

It takes him approximately five seconds for him to realize that either Taehyung had messed up the portal accidentally, or Yoongi has just been fucked with.

Fucking Kim Taehyung.

They sometimes joke about Taehyung being the devil’s spawn sometimes. And there’s always the odd rumour about it. And right now, Yoongi can believe every bad thing ever said. He can't tell what had even been the truth or a lie, or had the whole thing been just a lie?

The urge to give up, go home, and just curl up in his bed and pretend object permanence isn't a thing is hella strong. Or if he's a little more socially conscious then maybe he can just report things, take his punishment and then just leave Taehyung out to dry.

But he knows that even if he does, he's not going to rest easy, worrying about Taehyung all the while. Sure, Taehyung can probably take care of himself, but the consequences with this kind of subterfuge can be unpredictable, dependent on the higher up’s moods. And as much as they joke about it, paper work hell isn't really much of a joke. It's not a expression of speech like in the human world. In hell, they truly made you suffer for an inordinate amount of time, stuck in the same place, doing the same thing, without rest or reason. And if paperwork was what you hated most, then that would be what you would be stuck doing so.

And Yoongi just can't stomach the thought of Taehyung's bright eyes dulling, being trapped in such a punishment, day in and out, stuck in a cycle if monotony.

So he sighs, double checking the location on his phone again before summoning another portal. A proper one, this time around.

He'd find fucking Cthulhu if it's the last thing he'd do.

~*~

Bad Lord Satan, he's not been this jacked up on greed since his early days as a denizen and had a reputation too big for his body to prove. And maybe once, it’d been fun, but that had been when he hadn't had the burden of responsibilities and a goal in his mind that he needs to focus on. And seriously, it's kind of annoying. Yoongi has never ever hated the logic of temptation as much as he has now.

He really just wants to lie down somewhere right now and close his eyes, let the overwhelming surge of choking greed overtake him and spin him amongst the clacking of the roulette table and the jarring chimes of the slot machines.

But he knows the moment he gives in is the moment that he gives in, he's probably going to wake up ten hours later like some drunk sorority kid, with no memory of whatever he'd done before.

So of course, instead of taking a break and stepping outside the casino for a moment like a normal being with a semblance of sense would, Yoongi instead grits his teeth and valiantly continues to hold up his flickering shields as he scans the ten thousandth person he passes by for signs of unbelievable dark powers.

He's always been a stubborn ass, especially when he has something to prove to himself. However nonsensical that thing is.

The last thing he remembers is turning around when someone taps him on the shoulder. And then the brush of feathers against his thigh. And then…

Nothing.

~*~

The next thing he knows, there's light shining in his eyes, his body is freezing cold, and his head feels like it's swelled ten times too big for the rest of his body. “Fucking Baphomet's horns. What the fuck?”

“I should be the one asking you that. Sorry to wake you. But I kind of needed the lights if I didn't want to trip over the bed and break my nose on something.”

Yoongi groans, pressing the heel of his palm against his temple, the words bouncing about in his head. “Satan's asscrack, can you be any more loud, Taehyung?”

“I don't know how to go any softer?” Taehyung sounds a little amused, “I'm kind of already whispering.”

Oh. And Yoongi realizes that Taehyung actually is. “Then, stop talking, fucking asshole.”

Taehyung doesn't bother to lower the volume of his laugh this time, and Yoongi whimpers. But Taehyung does press into Yoongi's hands what seems like a tall tumbler filled with something that smells like mildew, old carpet and tar. “Drink this. It should help.”

It's some kind of hangover drink then, but nothing store bought. “Your own brew?” Yoongi asks as he takes a sip before promptly regretting it. “Angels fucking bless you. What the fuck did you put in this?”

“Nothing unusual. Deadman’s toenails, goat’s blood, cured fat of a whale, usual hangover spell stuff.” Taehyung shrugged, “only thing special is a few drops of the blood of a virgin.”

“Virgin’s blood has been proven to have mostly a placebo effect you know.” Yoongi says, mostly because he's trying to distract himself from the honestly godawful taste. “It doesn't enhance magic like that stupid advertisement claims.”

“Not the way the advertisement has claimed certainly,” Taehyung agrees, “and not for big rituals. But for small stuff it does. Aren't you feeling better already?”

He actually does. But he's not quite up to lying, yet not quite up to being truthful either. “Could have been the goat’s blood.”

Taehyung smiles, a strange smile. One Yoongi can't place. “Yeah. Could have been the goat's blood.”

Yoongi eyes him. “Ok. What's up with you.”

“There's nothing up with me?” But Taehyung's gaze flickers, like he has something to hide, and they both know he's lying.

A pause, then Taehyung caves. “Just never seen you like that before, hyung.”

Yoongi pauses, and at the same time, he takes too big a gulp of the hangover concoction and gags. “Ugh. Shit.”

“You don't need to finish the whole thing.” And the tumbler is taken from his hands even as he makes a pained face at Taehyung.

“You could have said so earlier. Blergh.” And he feels well enough now to crawl out of bed to go get a glass of water from the small pantry. They're in a hotel room, now that Yoongi notices, but it's not one in the casino that Cthulhu is supposed to be at. There's only minute amounts of lust in the air. Surprising thoughtfulness on Taehyung's part. “So. What the fuck did I do while I was out?”

This time, it's Taehyung that pauses. “So you blacked out? Can't remember anything?”

“That's usually how it works.” Yoongi sighs before taking another large gulp of water. “I got myself into a lot of shit doing this too often when I was younger.”

“Shit like nearly causing an incident of sin so large, it nearly alerted the heavenly patrol?”

Yoongi barely resists thumping his head into the wall. He sighs again instead. “That bad?”

“Honestly, even back when I used to come up for illegal rave parties, I've never seen anything like what I saw. The whole hall was either fucking each other or fucking each other up. I've never seen so much snapped tension in one place before.”

“Did anyone die?”

“Not yet, thank Satan. I got to you in time. Otherwise, forget Cthulhu, you'd probably have sparked off the next inter-realm war.”

That's an exaggeration. Maybe an altercation, and he'd definitely be in a lot of shit, but not a war. “Well, thanks. I guess.”

“You also kissed me.”

Yoongi nearly drops his glass. “Fuck.”

Taehyung laughs, but somehow, the sound is strained, dangerous.

Like a warning shot.

“Why does it seem like having kissed me is something you regret more than causing an incident?”

Because it's the truth. Because without the filter of self-control and reason, Yoongi doesn't know what he'd revealed with that kiss. And he can't even remember right now, the space in his head where memories should exist just a big gaping blackness.

Humans are said to fear the unknown. Sadly, Yoongi has found out the hard way that otherworldly beings are exactly the same. They only seem less afraid because there's less things they do not know.

And this: Taehyung crossing the space between them, fascination in his eyes that borders into interested lust; this, Yoongi does not know. Taehyung has never looked at him with eyes such as these. He's always looked at Yoongi as a colleague, a friend maybe. Someone interesting to talk to, to wile away their forces time together on duty, spent in that tiny cubicle of a room.

And right now, there is no lust in the air, no drunkenness - absolutely nothing to blame any poor decisions on but themselves.

“You want me.” Taehyung's tone is practically accusatory. “I didn't think much about it before. But I could taste it when you kissed me the last time.”

Yoongi still isn't looking at Taehyung, but he can feel the prying gaze, looking at Yoongi as if he's something interesting; a puzzle to crack, an equation to solve.

Yoongi wonders what Taehyung would do once he figures out the answer; and if he would find the answer terrifying. He wonders if Taehyung would flee. “Taehyung, don't.”

“But why not?” Taehyung presses. “You always seem so… controlled. But I see it: flickers if the chaos inside you. I've always thought, there was something far more interesting to you than what you showed at the office. I could see it sometimes, threatening to show. But you always held it back-”

Only because Yoongi has lived long enough to know that the chaos inside him only brings trouble not worth the price.

“- and I saw it in it's full glory today. And Yoongi… hyung… you were mesmerizing .”

(A long time ago, it would have been fun to live like anarchy personalized, reigning chaos and terror on the streets. A long time ago, that had been the life he lived, forcefully spreading the haze of vice, his entertainment simply watching as humans got entangled in it, driving them insane. Sometimes, he even snagged a few angels with.

But nothing had beaten how alive he'd felt when the truce between heaven and hell had been formed and the earthly realms declared demilitarized. Nothing had fulfilled his cheap need for thrills as going against authority, as rebelling, saying no for the sake of it, together with friends who were seeking the same, buoying each other's egos, and bullying each other into crazier and crazier deeds.

Those days had been fun.

These days though, Yoongi still has fun. It's just not in the same way. He's since learnt, after heaven and hell had caught him and punished him, that anarchy without cause isn't worth it, not for such cheap a thrill, that his friends made through such a venture would only scatter once the hard times come.  He's still the same, hasn't changed, but the chaos and anarchy simply channels through different ways, smarter ways; ways that don't give him trouble and even earn the approval of others, and the irony of it last far longer than the adrenaline spikes of all.)

“Mesmerizing, huh?” And Yoongi scoffs, turning away. Those had been those days. These days, he's just smarter - wiser. At least, that's what he tells himself.

But Taehyung catches his wrist, forcing him to still. “Yes. Mesmerizing. It was absolutely beautiful… and… aren't you tired? Keeping it all under wraps like that?”

Yoongi turns, and flinches a little at the intensity of Taehyung's gaze. It scorches at his defense, flames licking at the control Yoongi has. And Taehyung is right - Yoongi is tired. Just probably not for the reason Taehyung is insinuating.

Doesn't change the fact that he is so, so, fucking tired.

“You know what?” Yoongi finally cracks, his voice trembling as he finally, finally pushes back, body pulling flush against Taehyung's, lips pulling into a smirk that leaves nothing to imagination, or pushes it into overdrive, depending. “You're absolutely right.”

Taehyung is surprised. But he's about to be even more, because this is the first time in five centuries that Min Yoongi has decided to finally not give a fuck.

(Taehyung is the one who does.)

~*~

Yoongi jolts up awake in a fit of terrifying panic.

“Oh. Fuck.”

Beside him, Taehyung snorts, before jerking awake. Possibly more out of the fact that Yoongi's panic had sent a literal jolt snapping through the air than actual concern over the older denizen.

“Fuck.” Yoongi repeats again and he sits up too fast; and his waist twinges in pain. Ugh, he's really getting old if he's feeling like this after just… what had it been? Eight rounds?

-

He wants to stop at the seventh, his hips protesting a little as Taehyung heaves them a little higher. But then, seven is claimed by heaven. Eight is supposed to be Chinese luck, but it's superstition, so Yoongi will settle for it.

And at the very least, the table sounds even more reluctant than Yoongi is, the creaking noise it makes as they rock against it is still louder than the creak of Yo ongi's hips.

-

“What's it?” Taehyung yawns, stretching out on the bed as he stares at Yoongi. “It's still too early hyung.”

“No- fuck!”

-

It's way too early for Taehyung to slam his dick in. But they're both ravenous, and honestly Yoongi has felt worse pain. He likes it anyway: this feeling of hurt; the rawness of the grunts and emotion that makes the meaningless tears well up in his eyes.

-

“Oh right, we broke a glass last night.”

Yoongi scowls at the shards of the glass on the floor before waving his hand to banish them. He curses again as a drop of blood from his foot drips to the floor. “Ah… fucking fuck. Taehyung!”

-

He screams Taehyung's name when he gets slammed into the wall. But it's with laughter in his voice. And they're both grinning as Taehyung hefts Yoongi again, only to startle when a glass falls off the shelf next to them, the both of them jumping in alarm.

Only that has Yoongi also moaning because Taehyung is still kind of inside him, and that jerk had jammed Taehyung's dick right into his prostate. And soon they're laughing, as if drunk. But maybe they are drunk - drunk off each other and the liquid kisses they press to each other's lips.

-

“What?” Taehyung grumbles as he lifts his head up, as if it weighs a few tons.

“You're better at healing than me. Help me heal the cut on my foot.”

“Nnhhh… this early I only remember how to do it with saliva.”

“The fuck?” Yoongi stares at Taehyung in disbelief before sighing and hopping over to the bed. “Ugh fine.”

-

Taehyung's tongue is amazing. It swirls across it's dick with incredible dexterity. And if there were such a thing as tongue gymnastics, Taehyung would definitely be over qualified.

-

“...Why are you slobbering all over my foot like a dog.”

Taehyung sighs as he pulls away, watching as the cut heals. “Gotta get as much saliva in as I can. And I used up all my sexy last night. Besides, I will fully admit that you're much better at using your mouth.”

-

It's almost overwhelming, when Yoongi comes from just the machinations of Taehyung's tongue. But not too overwhelming that Yoongi can't return the favour.

By the time Yoongi is done with him, Taehyung is almost shiny with liquid everywhere, of various forms, and he's practically drooling onto the mattress, a dark spot in the white sheets next to his mouth.

-

“Right. Ok.” Yoongi lets out a small sigh as he pulls his foot away, before he jerks. “No, not fucking okay.”

“What's wrong?” Taehyung finally grumpily sits up. “Did I hurt you or something? We only did 8 rounds.”

-

8 rounds is a little much, but Yoongi will never admit that. Anyway, the build of pleasure as they rock atop the bed, the entire thing shaking like it's in the middle of an earthquake or heavy metal concert, is still the same. Just less coordinated, less deliberate. The aches just a little bit more than the pleasure, but then, that's also a little pleasurable in itself.

-

“No. It's not that.” Yoongi buffs, even if he is limping a little. But the kinks in his body will straighten out in a bit. “No. Cthulhu.”

“What about him?”

Yoongi pauses. He turns to stare.

-

Yoongi can feel Taehyung's eyes practically undressing him as he pulls away. He's slow, hands deliberate as he peels the layers off one by one.

Taehyung likes it, that's for sure. His dick grows with every article of clothing peeled off. But Yoongi knows well enough that he'd probably want to take revenge.

So when it's Taehyung's turn, Yoongi doesn't give him a chance.

He stares at Taehyung with a smirk, and undresses the younger with his eyes.

Literally.

Taehyung yelps when he finds himself suddenly as naked as the day he'd been born. But he laughs after a moment, spreading his naked self over the bed so that Yoongi can ravage it.

-

“What do you mean what about him? We're here to find him. That's the only reason we're up here.”

“Well…”

That makes Yoongi pause, “what do you mean ‘well'?”

The silence drags.

“Taehyung.”

“Yoongi?”

-

It's a little stupid how they scream each other's names, like toddlers who don't know any other words. But then, maybe they've regressed to a similar mental state, their vision and senses so tunnelled they only see, hear and feel each other; so engulfed that all they know right now is each other’s name.

-

“Fuck- Taehyung, don't play with me. I’m not in the mood. We lost a whole day thanks to that stunt you pulled. And yeah, I haven't bitched about you disappearing on me. And I want to but we haven't got the fucking time because we only have one day left before Cthulhu rains hell on earth and everything gets embroiled in another inter-realm war. So tell me what the fuck do you mean by fucking ‘well'.”

Taehyung winces a little at the power imbued in Yoongi's words. It's not that strong as to compel him, but it still stings. “I mean… we don't need to go find Cthulhu.”

“And why the fuck not?”

-

It has to end. Must have ended. Because Yoongi blacks out at some point, but wakes with the urgent need to pee somewhere in the night; wakes to a warm hand wrapped around his waist, and breath ghosting across his skin.

He really shouldn't use magic for this sort of thing: complications and side effects and what not. But he doesn't want to move, and so he magics the tight feeling in his loins away before he closes his eyes and goes back to pretending that maybe this isn't just for one night.

-

“Because I've already found him.”

And the anger and words just rush out of Yoongi after that. Instead, confusion rushes in and all he can say is a small, breathless, “what?”

Taehyung is quiet for a moment before he sits up, wincing a little. Seems like Yoongi isn't the only one growing old. “Ungh. Put on some clothes, hyung. It's going to be easier to just show you.”

~*~

Yoongi knows he probably has the most incredulous look in the world in his face right now. But he has good reason to. And that reason is the person he's currently staring at.

No, not Taehyung; even though that ass is part of the reason why Yoongi’s so incredulous. But no. No, the person that he's staring at is this middle-aged, George Clooney vibe man with salt and peppered hair, dressed in a ridiculous flamingos covered Hawaiian shirt and tie-dyed beach shorts as if he's vacationing in the tropics rather than in fucking Las Vegas where he’d probably get sand rash from so much exposed skin.

This person: this old surfer dude with a too slick smile and lazy ass gaze is, supposedly, Cthulhu.

“You're fucking with me right?”

“No… No. This is…” Taehyung sighs, rubbing his face. “Cthulhu, could you just…?”

“Just what?” The old surfer dude looks amused, shrugging. “Convince your friend? Well, hello, Taehyung's friend. He's right. I'm really Cthulhu.”

“...” Yoongi kneads his temples. “And why would ‘really Cthulhu’ be a chill surfer dude hanging out at a poolside bar?”

“Why not?” Old surfer dude shrugs, “they serve good margaritas here.”

“Hey- no. Look.” Taehyung steps in between Yoongi and surfer dude. Possibly because Yoongi looks like he's about murder someone. “He really is Cthulhu. He woke up years ago, way, way before we got the Ouija board call. Apparently, he wandered around and liked what the earthly realms had become and decided he didn't want to destroy it.”

Yoongi pauses, eyeing the surfer dude, doubt still in his eyes, “really.”

The surfer dude sighs before he looks up from his margarita and meets Yoongi's eyes.

Pͮ͒̆͏̨͖̟̠̬̺̪̫͕͙h̯͎̤̦̳̖̺̳̭̒͋̾̐̊͗̔́̽̋ͧͧ͘͘͜͠͞ͅ’̛̓̂ͧ͂͆ͯ͂̈́̎͗͋ͫ́̍ͭͫ̚̚͢҉̵͍͔̬̳͓͎͉̙̪͈͎͕̳͍ͅņ̜͖̫̰̥͖̮͂͋̒ͨ͒͌͂ĝ͙̟̳͓̹̼̳̫̣̫͉̐ͩͧͦͥ͊̏͜͜ļ̶̷̵̣̦̰͍̜̹̦͍̙̱̗̬̺̬ͧͭ͆̓̀̑̄͗ͦ͠uͪ̍͌ͥͬ͂̄͋̄ͥ̓͂͏̺̯͓͔͎̮̦̝̺͖̭͓̹̜͍̬̠͙̕͢͡ȉ̷̧͓͈̗͔̰̣̪̩͙̹̙͔͍̫̦̲̉̽́ ̘̥͚̯̰̠̝̜͎̊ͬ͊ͪͭͨ̍̓̉ͭ͊̚͢ͅm̶̧̀̄̉ͪͧ̈́̎̍̒̈̋̆̂̃̎ͯ̋ͪ͜͏̺̺̣ͅg̵̷̜̻͇̣̤̹̳̝̐̓̋̉̔͛̈̽͞l̷͊ͯ͗͐̕҉̢̫̱̟͉̩̰͞w̷͖͇̺̭̻̬͈̬̲̓ͪ͒͐̐̅ͤͫ̈́͛̑͌͗̆̈̽ͯ’̧̀ͥ̋ͫ̊̌͐̈̇ͣ̓̈́ͤ͆͏̱̜͔͇̲͕̱̬n̵̲͖̗͚̭͉̮̹̮͔̪̘̗͇͕̠͚͙͓̋́̎͗͊̆̃̏a̮̘̳̩͚̋̑̐̏͜͜͟͠ͅf̀ͣͥͪ̍ͤ̏̋̅҉̸̶̼̺̻̥̼̫̜͖̲̖̘͙̪͈͈̰̪͎͞ḧ͔͈̞̦͉͚̹͍ͮ͑ͭ͊͋ͤ̇́͆͌ͮ̀͗͋̌̀͑͘͡ ̣̯̙̭̺̯̹͇̫̬̙̪͙̲̣̪͖̤ͩͥ̇ͧͥ̌͌͢͢͢͜ͅC̸̡̱͖̪̟̞̱̦͇̠͇͇̼͍ͧͯ̾̆ͫ̄̕͡t̽̂͂ͩ͛ͮ̀̌ͦ̀̐ͨͣ̀̐̔̚҉̬̗̦̟̹̭̙̺̰̟̬͓̫̥̝͜ͅh̡̩̯͉̰̻̭̟͈̦̰̫̔̉ͭ̄̀̅ͪͦ͜ͅͅu̴̩̮̼̘̪͕̰͕͎͔̬̰̲̥̥ͭͥ̒̑̇̎̓ͭͧ͘͘͜͠ļ̵ͭ͑͊̓ͩ̈ͤ̂͑ͯ̏͝҉̫̱̥͎̙̤͕̹̻͚͙̻͖̤̟̯͚̮h̴̜͓̩̱͔̣̹͙̤̣̣̣̭̦̰̻͚̥ͪͨ̽͐̈̑ͪ̈́̄̅̾̉͐͆̇͐͢ͅu̴̫̣̣͕̹̣̰̮̠͔̹̰̠͇̝͍̥̞̐ͤͫͬ͋̑̋ͨͬ͛ͬ̒̏̇͆̊̈́̅ ̨́ͯͧ͆͐̀̓́̑͋̋̂̂҉̻̱̘̝̮̝̝̮̲̣̻͙̮̞͢͢R̤͇̙̟͔̥̭̬̗̹͖̪̣͎̿͂ͣ̅ͤ̈́̇̓͝’̴̸̵̨͚̻̯̹̱̝̱͔̹͈̗̖̬͉̻̇ͮͥͧͅͅl̷̘̥͉͎͚̲̯̯̥̺̝͙̭̞̹̳͔͓̑ͬ̍̐̑͑͊̚͜ͅy̮͎̤͔̠̞̗͇̬͚̪͉̠͂̀̈́̏̎̚͜͠e̛͎̙̥̠̗̘̥̲͎͙͙̙͈ͧ͊͐ͪ̋͗̋ͨ͊ͯ̕͜͝ͅh́̌̐̒̑̍̍̐̂̍͌͛ͫ͑ͨ̈́́̇̚͟҉̶̩͈̻͙̜̰̝̤͔͎̮̟͖ ̨̯̻̦͔͐ͭ̅͛̒ͨͧ̎ͮ̓̄͑͢͢w̪̲̣̞̜̺̠͚̞̮̥̹̼̲͎͉̓̓ͩ͐̑̔ͬ͛͂ͮ̄ͨ͘͘͝g̨̪̳̠̼͂͆͐̋̒͊̌͑ͬ̽ͨͭ̂̈͋̑a̴̢͖̟̳̻̫̞̦̱̹͖̲̪̩͇̹̋̅̔̇͐̇ͦ̂͗͗̈̐̋̓ͭ͢͢h̙̞̳͕̻̱̯͉͚̠̖̫͉̪̮͉͓̘ͫ̾ͥͭͬ̔ͮ͐ͥ͗ͧ̌ͫ͆ͩ͡͠’̴̧̨̰̺̹̻͖̞̻̬̳̼͈̗̮̬̞̇ͥ͂̓̏͌ͦͩ̑̍̒̀ͩ̈̅ͪͅņ̣̜̩̥̖̺͈̞̬̮͓͚̼̭̰̳̲̪̓͆̊ͧ̿̐ͪͮ͞å̶̴̛̫̳̣̏͒͌͂͌ͮ̈́ͩͣͅg̴̨̘͕̠̦̣̟͂̍͆̿͡l̫̲͇̙̼̤͉̻͙͇͂͊̍̀ͥ̍ͮͯ̔͗̂ͯͯ͒̑̆̌ͩ͡͝ ̢͔̱̦̝̗͚̏ͮ͋ͧ͗͘͝f̡̖̜̜̰͍͆̋̌͐̒̏̂ẖ̷̴̡̟̪͙̅̎̿ͣ̐ͤ̒͐̒̿ͯͥ̋̿͝ͅt̓̄̂͐̏ͫ̌ͫ̿̈̑̊̓́͏̱̟̺̤̺̜̤̠̬̲̥̭̘̤͇͓͎ͅḁ̡̧̩̻̹̼͍̗̠̮̼͉̺̄̂̑̌͋g̵̴̪̖̯̱̔͛̃̓̆̈̎̏̂ͯ͆ͫ͗ͨ̍̅̉̊̕͘ͅn̸̨̯͉͙̪̞̦̠̤͚͖̠̮ͭ̋̈̊̿ͨͧ̽͌ͨ͟͡ͅ.̲̠̮̗͇̮̦̦͚͙͙̙̌̅̿ͤͧ̅̏͒͂͗ͯ͂̉ͧ͘͘͟͟

Yoongi gasps, the static his vision had become clearing only after he breaks eye contact. And he's still panting even as surfe- Cthulhu snorts, taking another sip of his drink. “No one wants to spare themselves that for some reason.”

Yoongi swallows down his fear, and he dregs up his dignity, even if he's a little more respectful in addressing the old guy now. “R-right. So. You really are Cthulhu.”

“No shit.” Cthulhu sighs, “I've already been through this with Taehyung here already.”

“Well, he's not shared a single shred of information with me, so excuse me if this is repetitive for you.” Yoongi can't really glare at a demon so many tiers above his paygrade, but he definitely can glare at his colleague, whose fault this whole mess is anyway.

Taehyung sighs, “it's quite simple really. He woke up many, many years ago. But instead of destroying earth immediately, he kind of wandered around for a bit to see how earth had changed, and he realized he kind of likes the earth the way it is, so he didn't want to destroy it. But he hadn't known about the DMZ order, so he decided to pretend to be asleep and continue to explore earth.”

“I know about it now, of course. But it's more fun staying under the radar like this. Less responsibility.” Cthulhu chimes in, and Yoongi thinks to himself, ‘so much for I've already been through this with Taehyung already’, “but recently, I heard rumours being spread about my return. So I thought maybe someone had seen me and I thought maybe I should just send a message to cover my ass a little. Say I tried to reach out, but no one answered.”

“Oh.” Yoongi says after a beat of processing. “That's… actually kind of smart. No one uses the Afterlife Call Center anymore.”

“Yeah. I heard. But of course. Someone did answer.” Cthulhu looks over at Taehyung with some amusement. “And I wanted to see who had the audacity to claim himself as Satan. So I decided to bite.”

“Wait. You knew Taehyung was pranking you?” Yoongi blinks at that, even as Taehyung and Cthulhu blink at each other.

“Yeah. Satan hates Ouija boards. It's an old joke among the old demons and gods even if I wasn't there to see it. But apparently, even though they were necessary, he really didn’t like using them. He always made someone else do it.”

“But even then, it still could have been him… Just… not him using the board.” Yoongi argues, watching the other two glance at each other again.

“Well. A trickster can sort of identify each other I guess.” Cthulhu says as he grins at Taehyung, who gives the old god a wink back.

And in that moment, everything clicks into place. The revelation also comes with a wave of cold, hard anger.

“You knew.”

Taehyung pauses, for once, starting to look a bit uncomfortable under Yoongi's sharp glare. “Not immediately. I only got suspicious when I found out where the Ouija board was at.”

“So when did you know?” Yoongi's tone is so flat, even Cthulhu shifts uncomfortably.

“I… it was only when I was doing the calculation on the Ouija board. But even then, not really. I just found a tracking spell, and hacked the surveillance spell and realized it had been exposed to a lot of sexual energy.”

“And based just on that, you went off galavanting?”

Taehyung, the ass, has the nerve to actually sound annoyed. “No, hyung. I'm not entirely irresponsible. I went off to find Cthulhu. I just… didn't want to go find him with you.”

Because Yoongi's stipulation had been they find Cthulhu and then go back straightaway. And they'd found Cthulhu so fast, Taehyung hadn't had the time to convince Yoongi otherwise.

“And so your fucking solution was to leave me behind? That was a fucking dick move, Taehyung. I was fucking worried, okay!”

“Well, you weren't cooperating with my better one.” Taehyung snaps, as if this is Yoongi's fault.

“You're better on- oh fuck. You were trying to get into my pants to distract me?”

“Well, I was going to wear you out, sneak out and then come back. Then you wouldn't have had to fucking panic!”

Yoongi’s eyes are practically glazed over with disbelief. He refuses to acknowledge the hurt that had pierced into his heart at that revelation. “Great. Ok. So I foiled your plan and so you left me behind to fucking panic? Then fucking what? You found Cthulhu?”

“Well. Yeah?” Taehyung shrugs, “he was sort of waiting in the open. It wasn't too hard to find him.”

“I was curious to what sort of idiot would do that sort of plan.” Cthulhu interjects. His tone is light, but somehow it unsettles Yoongi a little.

“Yeah?” Yoongi growls, “then why'd you take so long to get back to me? I was in that casino for more than a day?”

Taehyung hesitates. And it feels like someone had pulled the floor out from Yoongi's feet. And when Taehyung glances at Cthulhu, a knowing look passing between them, Yoongi knows exactly what had happened for it to have taken so long.

It sends a cold flash through his body, and he doesn't quite know whether to laugh or cry. He settles for getting angry instead.

“Then… what the fuck was last night about?” He asks, nearly spitting, and maybe he shouldn't have, not because his anger isn't justified, but maybe he should have simmered rather than flared, because the splash of cold water that comes next might have been less of a shock then.

“Last night?” It would have really been less painful if Taehyung had been angry, rather than genuinely confused. “What does last night have to do with any of this?”

The fight seeps out of Yoongi, and he's left feeling empty. So, that is how it is then - last night had been just that: last night. “...Of course.”

Of course it's the way it is. What had Yoongi been expecting?

His heart hurts.

“Right.” Yoongi heaves a sigh, running a hand through his hair. He doesn't care that Cthulhu’s eyes light with knowing, while Taehyung’s remain frustratingly dull. “Right. I'm done.”

And he is. With everything. Fuck this whole thing.

Fuck Taehyung. He's done. Doesn't care that this is totally unfair since Taehyung hadn't known. Doesn't care that this is as much his fault as Taehyung's. Fuck himself for falling for everything he'd so cautiously avoided for a reason. He'd been dancing too close to the edge for it to have been healthy, even for a denizen of hell. It's time to cut loose entirely - flee temptation, as the guys upstairs so succinctly put it.

He doesn't look back when he turns around and leaves.

~*~

Yoongi gets Afterlife Call Center duty after one week of ignoring Taehyung.

No, they're not correlated. It's just a convenient measurement of time. Besides, Yoongi checked - Jungkook is on duty for the next two weeks, so regardless, Yoongi is safe.

And no, he hadn't sent that scathing email reply because he's in a bad mood due to the awkward situation he has with Taehyung right now - that customer had deserved it after wasting his time asking questions that are clearly already covered in the online FAQs.

So yes. Afterlife Call Center duty. Whatever. Jungkook is pretty good moping company anyway.

No, he's not moping because of-

“Fuck.”

Yoongi freezes when he looks up after walking into the room and sees the one person he absolutely does not one to see™.

It's that split second that costs him. And even though he's spinning around and immediately booking it, he basically crashes painfully into the door when it slams closed on him.

“Yah!” Yoongi growls, irate when he finds that he can't open the door - it's been locked with magic - and a fucking strong spell at that. “Jeon Jungkook, you better fucking let me out!”

“Er-”

“Oh, stop being so dramatic, Yoongi-hyung. I'm the one who locked you in.”

Yoongi's jaw drops the minute he recognizes that voice. “Jimin?”

“Yeah. Me. And I'm not letting you out until you talk with Taehyung and fix whatever funk you two are in. It's depressing seeing Taehyung so down. It's affecting office morale.”

“Office moral-” Yoongi slams his fist into the door. “Yah! What about my own fucking morale? I don't want to talk to him!”

“Oh please, you might put on this grumpy face, but we all know you're a sodding marshmallow on the inside. And right now, you're actually grumpy for once, which doesn't make office morale any better but- ah. Whatever. Just fuckin’ talk ta him already!”

Yoongi sighs, letting his head thud into the door. There is not arguing with Jimin once his natural accent starts slipping out. But, “Jimin, please. I really don't want to do this.”

A long pause from outside, and Yoongi begins to hope, but then, “look. Just. Talk to him. Just hear him out. And after you do and you still don't want anything to do with him, then we'll leave you be.”

Yoongi groans, “Jimi-”

“Talk! The door will open automatically once you have!”

And with that, he hears two sets of footsteps walking away. One purposefully, the other one dragged.

Well, that is that.

Yoongi sighs, before he finally turns around. His eyes are fixed firmly on the floor… the wall… his shoes… anything and everything but the person stuck in this tiny, cramped room with him.

“Sorry.” He hears a small twinge of guilt in Taehyung's voice. “I didn't realize they'd do this. Didn't even realize you were on shift. All Jungkook told me was that he needed to trade shifts for reasons.”

“Reasons.” Yoongi repeats, skeptical. But Taehyung seems genuine enough, and so Yoongi let's it go. It's not worth it anyway. “Sure. Whatever. We can just keep to ourselves right? Great.”

It might have ended there with anyone else. But Taehyung has never been one to be daunted by outright rejection. “Well, thing is. I do still want to talk to you, hyung. I've been trying to the whole week.”

Yoongi sighs. He'd noticed, but had refused to acknowledge Taehyung's attempts.

He hoped it hadn't hurt too much when Yoongi had practically slammed the door into Taehyung's foot during the Tuesday attempt. He's mean, but not that mean to not even feel a twinge of guilt about it.

“Okay… I'm just going to talk okay, if you don't want to reply me, that's fine.” It sounds like Taehyung is fiddling with his phone, fingers playing with the edge of his phone case. “Although. To be honest, I don't even know where to start-”

Yoongi can't help it. He snorts.

“Yeah. I know. I fucked up majorly. Didn't even understand why you were so angry until Cthulhu told me.”

Yoongi raises an eyebrow at that. He's pretty sure even Cthulhu doesn't really have a clue about what had really caused Yoongi to react the way he did.

“Yeah… he told me you were in love with me. And you were done with me being the oblivious fuckboi, so you decided that day that you shouldn't bother with me for the sake of your own mental health.”

Yoongi chokes.

It's ridiculous, because he doesn't even have anything to choke on. Except air, and maybe his own spit. And he spends a good second trying to calm his seizing lungs while Taehyung just stares, wide eyed and panicked. “Oh Satan- Yoongi… Hyung. Are you okay?”

But Yoongi doesn't care about any of that really. What's more important is “what the fuck...ugh... did Cthulhu say?”

“Er. He said that you were in love with me and-”

“Fuck, no. Don't repeat it.” Yoongi covers his face with a groan. “How the fuck did he know that?”

Taehyung pauses.

“Wait. Fucking hell, was this a trick-” Yoongi's heart tightens for a moment, fully regretting letting Taehyung even speak to him.

“Wha- no! No! I just didn't quite believe it.” Taehyung immediately protests. “I mean you've always rejected my advances. I honestly thought you just treated me like a younger brother and were up for some fake incest now and then.”

Despite himself, Yoongi rolls his eyes. “I might be a denizen of hell, Taehyung, but that doesn't mean I don't draw lines at certain kinks. Or joking about them.”

“Right, er. Anyway. Point is, Cthulhu seemed pretty sure about it, but I wasn't sure about it myself. And I just took some time- erm. Processing that it's true. Fuck, you really love me?”

Yoongi winced, “I wouldn't say love. But I had… a pretty major cru- I mean. I just liked you. But I knew you weren't up for any sort of committed dating so I-”

“Didn't say anything.” Taehyung completed, “yeah. That's what Cthulhu said too.”

“How the fuck does Cthulhu know all this?”

“Dunno. He never said. But I'm guessing it's because he's old. And I think the lore said he had an all-knowing gaze, so maybe he found out when he met your eyes?”

“Ugh. Bloody old gods and their mind-rape powers.” Yoongi rubs his face. “Fine. So you know that I liked you. So you know that what I want and what you want is different right? Then you should really just leave me alone.”

“I mean. I wanted to apologize for the dick move I pulled on you about the whole lying about having found Cthulhu thing. I wanted to have fun topside for longer and was scared you'd suck the fun out of everything and insist we go back.”

“Oh. That. Well.” The honest truth is that Yoongi had pretty much already gotten over that. It had been typical Taehyung behaviour, and it hadn't been like Taehyung had really been all fuck all and irresponsible and had left Yoongi to clean up his mess. So… “sure, fine. I forgive you for that. Now will you leave me alone?”

“Thing is… hyung.” Taehyung says slowly, “if all I wanted was to have fun topside, I would have just gone on my own. Or dragged Jungkook. But I asked you.”

Yoongi has always hated beating around the bush. “What the fuck are you saying now, Taehyung?”

“I'm saying that I wanted to have fun with you, that's why I tried so hard convincing you to come with me. I mean, I was pretty sure that I'd be able to find Cthulhu within two days and we could spend the last just chilling and having fun. But well-” Taehyung shrugs, “you weren't very cooperative.”

Yoongi doesn't get it, “...couldn't you have just asked? Instead of concocted such a complicated scheme to ask me out?”

“Please, I have. You always reject me.” Taehyung snorts, “even though I know why now. But. Chances were, you were going to reject me if I simply asked you to go on a trip with me, top side.”

Yoongi can't find any rebuttal to that. He would have loved to go, but would have found reasons to stop himself, but, “fine. Ok. So you wanted to go on a trip with me. So, what?”

“I don't know, maybe I've also always kind of liked you too? But didn't even know that I had a chance, or that there was such an option.”

Yoongi's mind is practically reeling. But he still stares stubbornly, resolutely, at Taehyung's feet. “What? Taehyung. You don't even want to get into a dedicated relationship.”

A frustrated sound, “that's only because I haven't thought about it in recent years. Maybe I want something different now.”

“You don't know?”

“Haven't found something worth enough to try before.”

There's absolutely silence as Yoongi digests the implications of those words. And he can see Taehyung fidgeting in the silence. The younger has never really been able to keep still for long.

Finally, Yoongi sighs, “I won't be an experiment for you.”

And he looks up, fully intending to meet Taehyung’s eyes properly to drive his point across, but then, he's startled. Startled because he's never seen Taehyung this way: so… serious. And so earnest.

In other words he looks like shite.

Taehyung is blinking at him, before the other burst out laughing, and it's three seconds before Yoongi realizes he might have accidentally said that out loud. “Geeze, hyung. You don't have to rub it in. The sleepless nights were kind of your doing you know.”

Yoongi tilts his head, “ my doing?”

“Well, essentially my own fault in the end but you were part of the reason.” Taehyung sighs, rubbing his face. “But look. I'm not, asking you to be an experiment or anything. I just want to be friends again.”

“Friends.” Yoongi repeats incredulously. “You mean like before? Don't tell me your precious Cthulhu didn't cover why I wouldn't agree to that.”

“No. He did... But. I miss you.” Taehyung looks down. His gaze is earnest, none of his puppy dog look in it, and it catches Yoongi off guard. “It's only been a week, but I miss your snide remarks when I do something stupid. I miss talking to you about stupid things… even if half the time you look annoyed by what I'm saying. And… I miss your smile.”

It's almost like a surprise attack, so much that Yoongi actually hisses. “Are you a masochist or something? You like me insulting you?”

It's even more disconcerting when Taehyung beams bright like he'd just won the lottery. “Maybe. Because I miss this the most: you getting embarrassed about having any sort of feelings that you just lash out with the sharpest insults ever.”

Yoongi stares, before he shakes his head, burying his face into his hands. “You're fucking weird, you know that?”

“Hey, everyone knows that. That's like my trademark modus operandi. If it's not weird, I question what I'm doing.” Taehyung shrugs, before pausing. “And yeah. I know it's weird that I want to force the issue of being friends. But… if you think about it, it's not that weird in the bigger scheme of things.”

Yoongi sighs, looking at his computer screen for a moment. The words are blurred together into a glowing white, but he's not really reading anyway. “I should totally just ignore you, and be an ass and walk away. It’d be better for my mental health.”

Taehyung deflates a little. “Yeah. Probably.”

Yoongi waits for a but. It doesn't come.

They sit in a significant amount of silence, before Yoongi finally realizes that Taehyung isn't going to protest against Yoongi plausible decision. And he eyes the other with some measure of surprise. “You're not going to convince me otherwise?”

Taehyung huffs, “I'm not one to force anyone into anything. And I know a losing argument when I see one. There's still things you don't know about me. Like I don't know about you.”

There's a small argument of persuasion in that, but Yoongi doesn't think it really counts. He looks back up at Taehyung, contemplative.

Finally, he says. “...I suppose it isn't entirely fair to just lock you out when I didn't tell you anything anyway.”

“...You know,” Taehyung says, almost too cautiously. “If you don't want to do this, you don't have to.”

“Mmm…” Yoongi agreed, “and you bet your ass I will fuck you up so bad you'd wish Satan threw you into the pits of Tartarus instead the moment you fuck it up.”

A pause, before a slight smirk crosses Taehyung's lips. “Right. I guess I just have to not fuck it up then.”

“Mmhmmm.”

“So…” and Yoongi stares at the hand extended to him. Almost innocent, if not for what they were about to shake on. “Friends?”

Yoongi pauses for a moment. “...Sure.”

They shake on it. And then Taehyung snorts. “Did you just cast a scrying spell to make sure there isn't magic involved in this handshake?”

“Uhuh.”

To Yoongi's surprise, Taehyung laughs. “Good call. I should have done the same really.”

“Really.”

“Yeah. I don't know. You might have said that you were over me. But maybe this is your revenge and you'd just contracted me to be your eternal sex slave.”

Yoongi snorts at that. “Somehow, I don't think you'd have minded that.”

“Really?” But Taehyung pauses in thought. “Huh. I guess you're right.”

It's odd. But somehow, Yoongi thinks Taehyung as a friend might be easier to love than Taehyung as a crush.

“Although, I think I'd get bored after a while since you don't seem one to try new tricks and scenarios. So… slow death by boredom could be your scheme.”

“You, are such an ass.”

Chapter Text

They nearly don't make it.

Fire and ice: that's what Jimin groans in exasperation whenever he gets inevitably dragged into their arguments as an unwitting mediator. They almost always never agree on anything, and even the smallest, insignificant thing can become a topic of… discussion . Especially now that Yoongi ain't holding anything back, as he'd promised. His anger runs shorter, and he's far less forgiving. And he always let Taehyung know it. Funnily enough, Taehyung has said he'd rather it this way. At least he knows when he's fucking up rather than trying to mind read what he'd done wrong.  

They nearly don't make it: because they're both hard-fucking-headed ninny nuggets as Jungkook aptly puts. So it's hard for either of them to own up first that it's their fault, whenever it is, if it ever is. Yoongi will admit that he sometimes can't even admit to himself that he'd been wrong. Heck, they both have problems even to be the first to just drop the argument, just simply agreeing to disagree. And ohhh… let's not even go into ‘letting each other win’.

They get through, surprisingly, because Taehyung actually tries. He doesn't always succeed, but he tries really fucking hard. He sucks it up, leaves written messages and candies of apology. He sometimes even says it to Yoongi's face.

Yoongi is actually always kinda really, really touched by it when it happens. Even if all he says to Taehyung is ‘took you long enough’.

They learn each other. Enough that Yoongi knows when Taehyung argues back so passionately, it doesn’t mean that he really disagrees as vehemently as he argues; enough that Taehyung knows when Yoongi’s words cut deep, it doesn’t mean Yoongi is as angry as he seems.  

It’s a bit later that they find a solution. And it's one so simple that it actually makes Jimin break a table in half from the sheer annoyance because all those sleepless nights and hours of hearing both Taehyung and Yoongi rant? But a solution it is, and so now, whenever they get into embroiled into an argument, someone, usually Yoongi, will grab the other's hand. And usually, Taehyung will end up oddly flustered, enough to forget about arguing; and Yoongi forgets as well, mostly because he's both distracted and calmed by the sight of pink dusting Taehyung's cheeks.

It’s never stopped being amusing to either of them that Yoongi had discovered this by accident, acting on an impulse while being utterly annoyed by the vitriol that Taehyung had been spouting about the benefits of using memo pads or something or another.

So yes. Holding hands.

Not that it’s like some kind of magical ritual to solve all. Duh. They still talk after that, of course. Simply holding hands doesn't make issues appear, and wilful ignorance would only make things fester till inevitable explosion. But holding hands allows them to calm down, to get out of their own heads and actually listen to each other objectively - because that's really their only problem: thinking with their hearts more than their minds.

And with their hearts preoccupied on the better thing of how cute the other is, their minds can work to resolve whatever argument they have rather than let their hearts cut themselves on it.

So, yes. They make it.

Not in the sense that they remain friends, because even if this hadn't worked out, they probably still would have. Just maybe not friends who would stick in close proximity with each other for more than a few regulated hours a week… or a month. But they make it in the sense that one day Taehyung comes into the office with a humongous bunch of flowers and kneels in front Yoongi while the former is in the middle of typing a fucking email and asks in a voice so loud that they probably can hear him in heaven if Yoongi would do him the honour of being his boyfriend.

This is all for Taehyung, and they both know it, because they both know Yoongi doesn't like making a big fuss about grand gestures. He likes to show his love in quiet ways, in ‘I saw this ridiculously expensive thing and thought of you so I bought it here you can have it bye’ sort of ways.

But it's been nearly six months, and now, Yoongi can regard the commotion with a gurgling sort of exasperation in his chest rather than with a gripping tightening of embarrassment in his chest that would lead to regrettable anger.

He finishes typing the email first, ignoring the anticipating gazes on him. Taehyung fidgets a little, shifts his weight from one leg to the other.

And then back again.

Finally, Yoongi lifts his hands from the keyboard and turns to look at Taehyung. He looks, stares, for way too long. And then, finally, he takes the flowers from Taehyung’s hands.

Jimin lets out a rather dramatic gasp when he smashes them across Taehyung's head, petals and blooms exploding into the air and flying across the room. Poor lad. Yoongi had forgotten Jimin’s love for flowers. “I already told you yes in bed yesterday, you asshole.”

And Taehyung laughs, because he'd known this would be the reaction he'd get. And his smile is so bright and wide that Yoongi can't help himself. He leans down, pressing a deep, almost pornographic kiss to Taehyung's mouth; and the fact that all their friends and colleagues simply groan and boo only makes Yoongi deepen the kiss even more, smirking when he finally comes to surface.

Jimin is standing next to them with a grudging expression on his face. And after a while, he asks if they're done, before he pulls the both of them in a huge congratulatory hug, Taehyung laughing at the admittedly very Jimin-esque action. Everyone else bursts into wry applause.

Yoongi doesn't really know why such dramatics are in order though. It's not like he and Taehyung haven’t essentially been dating for maybe the past six months or so, even if they never put a name to it.

But looking at the expression on Taehyung's face, Yoongi supposes that maybe this one thing isn't something he wouldn't mind suffering through.

~*~

“Yah! Ok! Enough! Everyone get back to work, if not I'm going to sic you on Call Center duty.”

“And if no one misbehaves for the day, are you going to finally take a shift?” Yoongi suddenly pipes up, glancing over at Taehyung.

To his credit, Taehyung picks it up immediately. “Yeah, I bet Seokjin-hyung keeps throwing us duty only because he doesn't want to do it himself.”

“Yah! You little brat. If everyone really behaves, then I'll take a whole week’s shift!”

“Remember what you promise~” Taehyung says in sing-song before grinning at Yoongi. What they'd both remembered and what Seokjin probably has forgotten, is that Jungkook has Call Center duty for the whole week. And if Taehyung and Yoongi both don't screw up, then Jungkook and Seokjin would be all alone in that tiny ass closet of a room for one whole week.

It's obvious that Jungkook remembers. His face has the expression of constipation mixed with nervous hope, and his ears are slowly warming towards a very interesting shade of pink.

Even as he tries to hide a laugh, Yoongi still thinks the Afterlife Call Center is a waste of time and resources; but, looking at Taehyung smiling back at him, maybe, just maybe,he'd take back the opinion that being stuck doing the job of manning it is the worst job in hell.

The job still sucks, sure, but it had gotten him some pretty nice benefits after all.

~*~

END