Chapter Text
He had tried. He really had. Evan Hansen had tried to move past his lies and mistakes, to function like a normal person, but he couldn’t. Everyone hated him; The Murphys, Jared, Alana, even his Mom. They would all be better off without him. Their lives would be better if he was dead. He couldn’t get better, he was always going to be the freak. Connor was right. *I’m so sorry Connor. I wish I could make things right,* Evan thought. But he couldn’t, not for Connor. Maybe he could for everyone else, though. They wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. He can just disappear, he should probably find the irony in that statement funny. He doesn’t.
Those were the thoughts that brought Evan to be sitting on his bedroom floor, stuffing pills down his throat. He felt bad for his mom, she would have to find him like this. She would probably mourn for awhile, hopefully not too long. *She’ll be better off without me. She’ll see that eventually.* Jared wouldn’t mourn, he wouldn’t have to put up with Evan for car insurance anymore. Jared would be a lot better off without Evan. He wondered if Alana would grieve, he doubted it. After all, they had only be “acquaintances”.
*I should write a note,* he thought absently. The pills were starting to kick in, and he was shaky, but he managed to get out a pencil and paper.
“Dear Connor Murphy,”
He didn’t know what compelled him to write his note to Connor, but he didn’t really have time to reflect on this decision.
thatt
“Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. I’m going to die. I’m not gunna fuck it up like I did last time. This time I’m actually going to die. I wish it had worked the last time i tried then maybe you wouldnt have died. I’m sorry that you died, I’m sorry I didn’t help you. I wish I could go bac and fix everyting. Maybe Ill see you again once i die too Then you can yell at me and tellll me how I fuced up. You can doo tht ill just apoligize becuz i was teh 1 who mssed up. Sory. Sry youl hav 2 pay fr my funeral mom.”
He couldn’t write anymore, the pills were taking their toll. He sat the paper and pencil down, he knew the letter couldn’t look good. His hands were shaking too much, his mind was getting too fuzzy. His heart was beating far too fast. Oh god, he hoped he died quickly now. He wanted to scream, he couldn’t. He couldn’t slow down his breathing enough to get a word out, let alone a scream.
The world was starting to get blurry now, he looked around his room. Trying to memorize every detail, since this was the last time he’d see it. He looked at the bed he was leaning against, it was a mess and he wondered if his mom would clean it afterwards. Or if she would throw it out completely, make room for something more useful. And he looked over to the laptop on the desk, where he had written so many lies. There were also all of his therapy letters. He should have deleted those, damn it. Too late now.
He looked back towards the bed and was surprised to see Connor Murphy sitting next to him. He knew it wasn’t actually Connor, and he shouldn’t be surprised. But there he was.
“Don’t worry,” Connor said, “It’ll be over soon.”
Evan wanted to tell him sorry again. Wanted to tell him something, anything, but nothing would come out. Connor looked at him, pity in his eyes.
“Whatever happens, Evan, it’s not your fault...”
Everything was going black, Connor was still saying something but Evan couldn’t make it out. Everything was gone, he felt like he was floating. He wondered if this is where he would be left for eternity.
Then the nothingness seemed to shift. He felt something under him, something solid. Then a soft light. And quite suddenly he heard an alarm clock.
He shot up in his bed. Looking around the room, then looked at himself. He wasn’t shaking anymore, his heart wasn’t pounding out of his chest. He had his cast on? But he had gotten that off a long time ago. It didn’t have Connor’s name on it anymore.
“So you just decided not to eat last night?” His Mom asked. Evan started, not realizing she had entered the room.
“Huh?”
“You’re a senior in high school, Evan. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m at work.”
“O-okay.”
Heidi sighed. “Have you been working on those letters? You know, ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why.”
“I started one. I’ll finish it at school.”
“Okay honey. Why don’t you ask some of the kids to sign your cast? I’ve gotta get to work, but make sure you get to school on time. You don’t want to be late for your first day of senior year!”
Evan was confused now. How could it possibly be the first day of senior year? He was supposed to be dead. He couldn’t be here. But almost everything’s identical. And if it really was the first day, that meant that Connor Murphy was still alive. And just maybe, Evan could make everything right. He jumped out of bed to get ready for the day.
He made it to the school a minute or so after he had the first time through. And made his ways through the hall. He saw Jared and walked towards him.
“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider it an honor?”
“W-what? I wasn’t.”
“Paint me the picture: you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram open on your weird, off-brand phone.”
“T-that’s not w-what happened, Jared! I d-don’t even have feelings for her anymore.” That part was true. While he did still care about her, he realized that his crush on her had stemmed from the fact that she was the kind of person he always wanted to be.
“O-Kay! If you say so,” It was then that Connor started walking by. Evan couldn’t stop himself from staring, Connor was alive. Connor Murphy was alive. He was probably planning on killing himself tonight, but he was alive.
“Hey, Connor. I’m loving the new hair length. Very school-shooter chic.”
Connor stared at Jared. And seemed to be opening his mouth to respond, but Evan beat him to it.
“Jared, stop being a dick! Don’t bully Connor just because he has better hair than you.”
Jared was furious, “Well fuck you too, Hansen! Have fun sucking Connor’s dick!” He stalked off.
Evan turned back and saw Connor staring at him with wide eyes. Not knowing what to do Evan ran down the hall way to his first class.
He knew he still had to go to the computer lab after classes to write his letter, and hope for Connor to show up. So that’s what he did. Now he had to write a letter that wouldn’t get Connor mad.
“Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Because you’re going to try harder. You’re going to get things right this time. And there’s Connor, who you don’t know and who doesn’t know you. But that can change. You can make that change and maybe someday you two can be friends! And maybe you can save each other.
Sincerely, your best and dearest friend,
Me.”
Evan let out a breath and hit send. He really hoped that Connor wouldn’t get mad at this one, or at him. Or maybe he wouldn’t show up at all. Oh god, maybe all of this was useless and he wouldn’t even show up.
“Hey.”
Evan’s head shot up to look at Connor Murphy. Standing in front of him, holding his paper.
“H-hello.”
“Um. I just wanted to say thank you for this morning.”
“O-oh. You d-didn’t have to. Jared was b-being a dick, he s-shouldn’t have said t-that stuff to you.”
“Well thanks either way... Um. How’d you break your arm?”
“I-I fell. Out of a t-tree.”
“Well that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.”
“Y-yeah.”
“No ones signed your cast.”
“Oh yeah, no... would you like to sign it?”
“Yeah. Do you have a sharpie?”
Evan handed him the sharpie and he signed his name in big bold letters like he had before. And handed the marker back to Evan.
“T-thank you!”
“Now we can both pretend to have friends.”
“Y-yeah. I guess so.”
“Oh is this your letter? I saw it on the printer, ‘Evan Hansen’ that’s your name right?”
“Y-yeah,” he started reading for it. Connor looked down at the paper.
“And there’s Connor, who you don’t know and who doesn’t know you? Is this about me?”
“Y-yes? I-I’m so s-sorry. I shouldn’t h-have w-written that.”
“You wrote this?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“It’s for t-therapy. S-sorry I-I shouldn’t have written about you.”
“And you’re completely serious? This isn’t some fucking joke that you’re playing on me?”
“N-no! I w-would never! I-I m-meant what I said.”
“Then I guess it’s a good day for both of us. Hand me that sharpie again.”
Evan handed him back the marker and Connor wrote something on the paper. Handing both objects back to Evan, he left the room. Evan looked down at the letter. It had Connors phone number, and it said, “I guess we don’t have to pretend to be friends.” He put the number into his contacts and walked out.
He headed back towards his house feeling rather proud of himself. He was even confident enough to send Connor a message, which he was almost never confident enough to do.
**Evan**
Hey. It’s Evan, I hope it’s okay to text you now.
He waited about five minutes before he got a reply.
**Connor**
Course it’s fine. I’m the one who gave you my number lol.
Evan was relieved to see the message and replied immediately.
**Evan**
Okay. I just wasn’t sure if you were driving or something. I didn’t want you to be checking the phone if it was inconvenient or anything. I just really wanted to message you because I think you’re cool and I would really like to be your friend.
He didn’t wait as long for the next message, a minute or two later his phone buzzed.
**Connor**
Aw. You think I’m cool? You’re not too bad yourself Hansen;)
He was a little off put by the fact that Connor called him Hansen, instead of by his first name. But he was texting Connor, and that was a good enough improvement for now.