Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was just a normal day in Orochimaru lab. That is… until shit hit the fan. And not even metaphorically, quite literally, actually.

He was just running an experiment on one of his test subjects, infusing Karin and Juugos chakra into his new plaything, while Kabuto watched the patient and Sasuke stood brooding in the corner… like usual. And one of his summons off to the side, doing whatever it is crazy snake summons do. (Because come one, they have to be insane to let Orochimaru and Anko sign contracts with them.) When one of his men runs in, the barbarian, with news of the latest victims… I mean experiments, several miles away. And clips his hip into the side of the chemical vials on the table. “You fool! Watch where your running! You’re supposed to be a ninja, not a monkey!” Orochimaru growls and kicks the barbarian out of his lab. He turns back towards his experiment and stops. “Fuck…”
And here’s when shit happens.

Now the clumsy fool didn’t realize the vials he dropped were a type of poison causing delirium and causing the victim to act the opposite of their personalities. So here standing before him is Kabuto and Sasuke smiling and shimmy dancing to no music and Kabuto reaching towards his summons, who happens to be very poisonous, and starts swinging it around, laughing while singing a children’s song.

Then Sasuke stops dancing and saunters over towards the test subject, and begins petting its face. Orochimaru sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Please stop petting the test subjects Sasuke! Put my summons down Kabuto. He is not a play thing.”
“But he’s so soft.” Sasuke grins wide, stroking his victim… I mean…the test subjects eyebrows and Kabuto falls down with the summons in his grasp“ But I’m having fun papa!” they say at the same time. Orochimaru closes his eyes, breathing deeply. “I will not lose my shit, I will not lose my shit, I will not lose my shit.” He mutters. Watching as Sasuke starts petting the subjects stomach and starting to dance again. “God dammit Sasuke, stop molesting the test subject. He’s meant to be cut apart! Not strip danced on!” Sasuke looks at him and pouts. Fucking pouts at him.

He glances at Kabuto hoping for some semblance of his competent servant, instead he sees Kabuto laying on the floor with his summons on his stomach, crying. “Papa is so mean. He doesn’t love us snakey. He’s always yelling and trying to make himself immortal or off destroying towns an shit. Why can’t he give us some time too snakey.” Kabuto sniffles and his summons has the gale to nod, agreeing with him. He takes another deep breath and spins on his heel, off to find the antidote.

Which just so happens to be on the other side of the building. “Please don’t destroy my lab while I’m gone you idiots.” “You hear that snakey… he’s such a meanie.” Kabuto cries as Orochimaru left the room. He passes by one of the guards. “Watch the lab, make sure they don’t destroy anything till I get back.” The guard salutes “Yes Otokage-sama!”
Orochimaru grimaces. “I have a bad feeling about this…”

~~~~~20 minutes later~~~~~

Orochimaru is just a few feet from his lab, when he hears, screaming, crying, and laughter. He walks right in front of the door when it’s shoved open, knocking him in the face. This causes his nose to start bleeding. “Whoever did that will be experiencing a world of pain!” The guard screams in horror and runs off, his pants dragging around his ankles and brown stains running down his legs. “Fuck this shit! Get me away from them!” The Otokage blinks and slowly opens the door.

The sight he sees is… terrifyingly hilarious.

Both his servants are butt naked, the snake is somehow stuck to the ceiling fan and it seems to have shat himself. Sasuke seems to have stripped the victim and carved obscene words and symbols on his body. He’s now licking it’s face rather provocatively. His eye twitches… and of course he used his kuni on the experiment. Damn it, it’s going to take him ages to clean them..

Kabuto is sitting on the lab table, twiddling with his hands.. and.. is that a flower crown he’s making? Where the fuck did he get the flowers? The chemicals are all over the wall. One is tearing through the stone. The computer is sparking and there are kuni and shuriken in the screen. And of course his summons is looking rather nauseous. He didn’t even know snakes could get nauseous until now. ‘Well the more you know.’ “Orochimaru -sssama.. help me down.”his summons hisses.

He shakes his head, taking a deep breath in. “WHAT IN KAMIS NAME HAPPENED HERE!” he snarls. Kabuto and Sasuke break out into wide grins and run towards him. And proceed to hug him. Him. Orochimaru.. the bane of Kohona, the outcast, and one of the most powerful ninja in existence. The epitome of madness and knowledge.

“Master!””Daddy!” “We missed youuuu!” Orochimaru’s eye twitches again. “Let go of me you ingratesss, before I evissscerate you. You’re punishment will already be sssevere for creating this messsss” He hisses out angrily. Kabuto steps back and pouts at him. “Hiss Hiss to you too motherfucker. We only missed you. No need to get bitchy.” Orochimaru steps back, dragging Sasuke with him. Why the fuck did this happen to him. He looks at the ceiling f hoping it has the answer. And is that his good pen stuck in the light? He’s pretty sure his sensei never had so much problems with his minions. Then he thinks of Jiriaya.. never mind.

Orochimaru grasps for the antidote vials in his pocket while Sasuke is clinging onto him like a parasite. He thinks for a moment on how he can get them to drink them. When it hits him. He grimaces. ‘Might as well try.’ “Sauske, if you let me go, I’ll give you and Kabuto these vials you have to drink that will make you super awesome.” Sauske lets go and scoffs and flips his duck butt hair. “I’m already awesome. But if it will make me more awesome. Then whatever.” Kabuto nods in agreement.

They take the vials and drink it, coughing in disgust. “That tastes fucking awful.” They then both pass out on the floor. Orochimaru then screams. “I’m going to kill that fucking idiot. Stupid supposed ninja. Stupid minions. I’m surrounded by incompetent morons!!” He then proceeds to curse up a storm all while his nauseous summons watches on from the ceiling fan. ‘Wait until the others hear about this. I didn’t know you can even do that with a dust pan.’ He hisses out a laugh and unsummons himself, covered in his shit, highly dizzy but entertained nonetheless.

~~~~Hours and several rants and 2 dead ninja minions later~~~~

“We will never speak of this day…. Ever…” Sasuke and Kabuto nod in agreement as they clean the lab. While wearing maid outfits.