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Chapter Text

Bae Jinyoung had only ever wanted one thing out of life.

Peace and quiet… ly fangirlingboying over Lee Daehwi without giving Satan-hidden-behind-the-chubby-cheeks satisfaction that he had successfully converted his best friend to a stan.

Several months ago, Jinyoung never voluntarily listened to music, or even been aware of anything pop culture. Cue a certain best friend screaming in front of Jinyoung’s door one evening to hyper-excitedly force Jinyoung to watch BNM Boy’s debut MV minutes after it was uploaded (Jihoon ran the mile to his house surprisingly swiftly and still had the breath for high-pitched squeals during each nanosecond of Woojin’s screentime). His implicit impression was awe of their addicting beats and sharply executed choreography (and who was the boy who rocked oversized long sleeves what even how does one look so cute-faced and smol yet put so much energy into his vocals and dance moves?!?!?). His explicit impression was, “So will you finally shut up about Taehyung?” Jihoon huffed out of Jinyoung’s house, mumbling, “Some people don’t have eyeballs for talent. Oh well, more of Woojin for me.”

Unbeknownst to Jihoon, he downloaded all seven songs of BNM Boys’s debut album and played them on a constant loop during the next day’s lunch and passing periods. His profile-pictureless and postless social media accounts, created out of peer Jihoon pressure, were suddenly logged in everyday in anticipation of an update from their official accounts or multiple fanpages. It was frightening to admit that he might’ve surpassed Jihoon’s fanboying level within that short (in comparison to the 4.5 years of fanboying under Jihoon’s belt) span of time, as Jinyoung is pretty sure that even his best (and only) friend isn’t desperate enough to refresh Woojin’s fanpages every hour for more photos confirming that his bias is the most perfect human being on the planet each time.

He really tried to be discreet about it. In fact, he bought a flippable phone case (damn expensive for an outdated design) just for the purpose of shielding his screen from Jihoon’s prowling eyes, allowing him to watch BNM BOYS - “Hollywood” (Daehwi Focus) with an intensity that appeared to be directed at his lunch. Don’t get him wrong, Jinyoung loved pizza, but the gooey cheese and seasoned, crispy pepperoni was bland in comparison to the looks Lee Daehwi served. Not that it was just Daehwi’s sunshine-radiant face, but also his soulful vocals, detailed dance moves, killer eye-contact with cameras, sensational body wa-

“ERMAHGAWD BAE JINYOUNG DID YOU DISCOVER YOUTUBE JUST SO THAT WE COULD FANBOY OVER CHAMSAE TOGETHER I KNEW IT WE SHOULD GET MARRIED THIS INSTANCE!” Despite his stature that looked even tinier than 173 cm, Jihoon packed the force of a barbell when he barreled into Jinyoung to give a bone-crushing side-hug. It was just his luck that Jihoon decided to sit beside him today instead of his usual spot across the lunch table. He attempted to peel the older boy’s arms from his neck (he loved Jihoon but would not want to fuse into conjoined twins if Jihoon didn’t loosen his grip) futily before he stupidly confessed out of desperation to not have Jihoon’s anatomical structures attached to his body.

“My ultimate bias is Daehwi.”

Jihoon’s arms slackened to his sides and his eyes widened to a meme-worthy size. His friend’s shock (deepdark Jinyoung whose face told how icy his heart is? Likes Lee Daehwi the uplifting sunshine bubble maknae?) was instantly replaced by an intentionally perverted smirk. “Oh Jinyoung, you like younger boys? I did not know there was a subconscious pedophile within you…”

He groans as Jihoon suggestively wiggles his eyebrows, another talent that he spontaneously developed during another session of teasing Jinyoung. “How is eight months younger even pedophilic? Woojin is only like, six months younger than you!”

Well, he has to accept how his best friendship turned for Jihoon’s better and his worse. Since then, Jihoon’s bombardments of “Did you see Woojin’s dance/rap/selfie/tweet/snowlive/everylittlemotionhedoesisgodly,” have only been encouraged. What’s worse, whenever Jihoon managed to snap photos of Jinyoung eating his spilled salad off the table with his fingers, patting down tufts of hair he didn’t notice protruding until the end of the school day, and the daily embarrassing likes, the demon claimed it was excellent for blackmailing Jinyoung into attending his wedding with Woojin by threatening to send them to Daehwi, who Jihoon would be acquainted with leading up to his marriage. He supposed that being able to rant to Jihoon about Daehwi’s girl group dance routines, variety show aegyo, dolphin-pitched laugh, contrastingly mature and introspective answers to interview questions, and many more replayed videos that confirmed his hierarchical status in Daehwi’s trashcan was decent compensation for the demon’s blackmail.

Even if his future self time-traveled back to warn him of Jihoon’s nagging being only a water molecule of the iceberg tip of his gradual emotional downfall, he would’ve never believed himself.
***
Jinyoung’s level of whipped-ness for was reaching a pathetically sad level for someone who he doubted he would ever meet, much less interact with, in this lifetime. His teachers had never labeled him as disruptive, but three times within the period Mr. Nam had scolded, “Mr. Bae, please stop texting your new girlfriend or else I will mark your academic record so badly that no girls will ever approach you after this.” He had actually been furiously typing comments on BNM Boys’s Vlive broadcast in hopes of leaving a conspicuous comment among the exponentially increasing replies, maybe even getting mentioned by their maknae. As another sacrifice of vitality for Lee Daehwi, he couldn’t afford school lunch for two weeks because Youngmin had hinted at their comeback concept during on broadcast, and he immediately shattered his piggy bank to preorder both versions of their new album (please get Daehwi’s card please get Daehwi’s card PLEASE GET DAEHWI’S CARD!).

BNM was definitely excellent at promoting the boys but such a tease by postponing the release of their teaser photos for another week. On Monday of the long-anticipated week, Jihoon whipped his phone out first and had them both choking on their pizza over Youngmin’s distressed denim on denim look complementing the graffiti wall he cooly posed against, and Donghyun’s relaxed but diva-like sitting on the ledge of a dock the next day. On Wednesday, Jihoon shakily withdrew his phone from his pocket, revealing a screen zoomed into red hair before dropping his phone (bless Jinyoung’s quick reflexes) and muffling his screams over Woojin’s new hair color into Jinyoung’s shoulder. After ensuring that his friend would not asphyxiate, they then slowly scrolled down to Woojin’s intense gaze at the camera, and finally gained the mental preparation to absorb Woojin’s classy patched bomber that highlighted the colors of the vibrant buildings in his background.

“Why is everything about Park Woojin so breathtaking… I don’t think another man will ever make me feel this way!” Jihoon’s eyes water as he looks up and sobs in gasps. Jinyoung had not seen the older this sentimental since the last time they dared each other to try Super Hot (nananananana yeah) instant ramen bowls. As he was a caring, empathetic best friend, he purposely neglected to accusingly remind Jihoon of how he dropped Taehyung as his ultimate bias of 4 years.

Needless to say, Jinyoung’s anticipations were extremely high for Daehwi’s photo on Thursday, and even though it would be posted in the morning he knew he had to refrain from checking until lunch, when his fangirl hyperventilation and squeals would be witnessed solely by Jihoon. Jinyoung’s strides to their lunch tables qualified him for competitive power walking, and upon seeing Jihoon hasting to their table with equal urgency, they both sprinted to their seats. Jinyoung promptly unlocked his phone and violently tapped his Instagram app, blessing his resilient screen-

-only to see Woojin’s photo from yesterday still at the top of his feed. Both their faces immediately dropped in confusion. Jinyoung checked BNM Boys’s Instagram page, and then Facebook, Twitter, and then scoured the entirety of Naver for Daehwi’s photo, but still turned up fruitless. To confirm his fears, only Youngmin, Donghyun, and Woojin appeared in the music video teaser.

“B-b-but where’s Daehwi? It doesn’t say this is a sub-unit comeback, and there hasn’t been any negative news about his career…” Jihoon wordlessly slipped the shaking phone out of Jinyoung’s hands and proceeded to try to cheer him up with BNM Boys crack videos, but Jinyoung couldn’t laugh with the sinking feeling churning in his stomach over his ultimate bias’s disappearance.

It was even more unsettling when they released their album preview, with songs listed by Daehwi and including Daehwi’s vocals, yet BNM had made it clear that Daehwi would not participate in comeback performances. Well, it’s okay, Jinyoung attempted reassuring himself, I’m sure they’re just letting the seventeen year-old rest from another vigorous comeback schedule.

On the topic of vigorous schedules, Jihoon, being ever-productive as a fanboy, started learning the choreography an hour after its released (which was a record short time for him to dry his fanboy tears). Two hours later, he eagerly called Jinyoung to his house as an impromptu dance audience. Jinyoung woke up to Jihoon’s call, surprising himself and an impatient Jihoon for sleeping three hours past the music video release. He physically slapped himself as a wakeup call before he frantically drove to Jihoon’s home (probably not a wise decision considering he obtained a license two months ago) and rushed to Jihoon’s room. His friend definitely performed the up to the second chorus routine flawlessly, but when he attempted some sort of handstand flip of Woojin’s breakdance stunt, he must’ve shifted the weight on his hands at the wrong angle, because soon he was toppling over the wooden floor and clutching his wrist in pain. Before Jihoon could even utter, “Jinyoungie, I sprained my wrist,” Jinyoung was half-carrying the smaller boy to his car, once again driving at a speed dangerous for the newly licensed, but clearly desperate to get Jihoon the fastest treatment possible. Once medical staff ushered Jihoon into an X-ray room, Jinyoung sat patiently in the waiting room, not as anxious as he should’ve been because the worst that could happen to Jihoon was the tenth or so cast in his life from dancing-prone accidents.

His eyelids were beginning to droop from sleepiness when he suddenly heard the approaching ambulance sirens that promptly ceased once the vehicle parked outside the building. The double doors soon burst open to let paramedics expeditiously wheel the gurney in. Despite their speed, Jinyoung had fast reactions, and within fractions of a second, he was able to glimpse the exposed, unconscious face of the body covered merely by a sheet with red blossoming through the torso.

After 1080p of that face for months, he could recognize him in any surrounding.

It was undoubtedly Lee Daehwi being wheeled into the intensive care unit.

Chapter Text

“Yah, Bae Jinyoung.”

Jihoon slapped the back of Jinyoung’s head, which surprisingly maintained its state of immobility against the astonishing strength even a handicapped Jihoon could pack in one hand. For someone with the physique of a beanpole, Jinyoung was impressively resilient to pain. The younger merely winced in reaction, which finally broke his unblinking stare directed at the distant table, determinedly unfocused on the person sitting at that table.

“I know you desperately want to refrain from staring at him, as he certainly would not appreciate all the attention caused by those articles entertainment media rudely publish with no respect of virtual personal space, but staring at the table is not much of an improvement. If you want to go talk to him, go talk to him. Just think of him as a normal classmate you want to befriend.”

“Um, Jihoon, you are the only classmate I’ve befriended, and there’s a reason for that. I have a hunch that it has to do with my shell of introversion.”

“Listen, Bae Jinyoung, I know you’ve stayed up until 3 on enough nights watching every behind (beyond) the scene, reality show, variety show, and BNM Boys broadcast Daehwi appeared in to know the boy is a harmlessly social butterfly. Why are you not hurdling across cafeteria benches to finally converse with him, with no security guard-rushed hi-touch booth obstacles in your way? I genuinely believe that you’re someone he could benefit from talking to. You’ve known him before, although some of his aspects were undoubtedly masqueraded for the camera, you’re hopelessly infatuated with him, which means you will be a nonjudgmental listener, you’re an empathetic softie but can easily hide your expressions if you come off as too touchy about his problems...”

“I’m nervous, Jihoon! Even if I’m supposed to approach him by disregarding the whole idol-fanboy divide, how can I even take a step towards his unpixelated, unfiltered, unbleached face without fainting on the floor? Oh wait, do you have a hand mirror I can borrow? I’m not sure if I look okay right now and the boy’s bathroom mirrors are just for scribbling anonymous Sharpie messages about which girls to hit up.”

Jihoon tugs his hair in several places, more out of habitual exaggeration than actual frustration because Bae Jinyoung was the Naver Dictionary definition of “disappointed but not surprised.” “Like Mr.flawlessly-small-face-that-proves-ideal-Korean-beauty-ideals-aren’t-a-fabricated-excuse-to-judge-every-celebrity should be worrying! Really, you have to befriend him before he drifts away with other students, or you’ll be continuing your hopeless saga of pining after Daehwi, now with a screen-Daehwi and a flesh-and-bone Daehwi! Also, I’m presenting another opportunity the Bae Jinyoung I know and love would never pass on despite whatever pseudo-sociophobia he has: I’m not going to film all you in all your blundering awkwardness. Because, if Daehwi does start attending school more oftenly, your wedding might be earlier than mine, and-” Jihoon genuinely grimaces “-I don’t want your scarce but definitely existing blackmail material on me sent to Woojin in the backfiring showdown of the decade.”

“Thanks for the preparatory pep talk, o-Great Orator who still manages to relate his Woojin aspirations to my time of crisis, but can’t you be there for physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual support when I actually do it? Like if I sit across from him, then you sit at a table behind him and mouth the words I should say next and give me thumbs ups or-”

“Aish, Bae Jinyoung. I may be a theatrical major but I am not looking forward to debut in this tacty K-drama you’re willing to direct. Although with an idol and a face the size of yours, it would undoubtedly be a hit.” Jihoon suddenly pulls his phone from his pocket. “Oh, my take-out tteokbokki was just delivered to the principal’s office. Anyway, if you manage to make it that far with your future hubby, tell him to tell Woojin that I love him. Got to go pick up my lunch, good luck!” Jihoon sprints off after his phone clearly didn’t light up with a text message or ping in notification. Damn those quick-thinking theatrical majors.

“Well, it’s now or never.”

He reluctantly picks up his tray, and despite his best efforts to maintain a level gaze as he walked, couldn’t keep his eyes off the lunch that he depleted by half his usual consumption size to not appear to have the diet of an amoebic vortex in front of the one and only interest of his nonexistent love life. As if he might’ve already upped his image in preparation for Jihoon to pressure him into doing this (yet he considers Jihoon as the sneaky traitor).

Jinyoung sets his tray across the table from the small boy whose head remains lowered as he continues idly playing with the noodles on the tray, disregarding Jinyoung entirely. Great. This just made Jinyoung more nervous, or maybe it was his heartbeat that started racing even before he realized he was nervous. As if he was still too hesitant to sit down when he already crossed the great divide, he continued standing and staring at the top of Daehwi’s head until he realized his stance must’ve been pretty intimidating, so he awkwardly sat down.

Silence. Or that was all he could hear through the pounding of blood against his ears.

Daehwi finally looks up after their minute of wordlessly dueling against which one of them would speak up first. He looked like a sloppy attempt to hide his past identity: locks now an unintentional ombre of natural black roots gradiently ending in lilac, rectangular-framed glasses for the classic Asian nerd look, bare-faced skin probably still cared for but lacking any traces of the natural idol glow. But really, he was Lee Daehwi, and Jinyoung would be magnetized to him no matter how much effort he put into messing up his appearance. He couldn’t take his eyes off Daehwi’s chapped lips when the younger finally spoke.

“I’m not Lee Daehwi, okay?”

Huh. He might’ve attempted to add a bite in his tone to shoo Jinyoung away, but the Daehwi just sounded defeated, with his eyelids drooping to partially conceal eyes devoid of any of the energy that sparkled in idol-Daehwi. Jinyoung found him attractive nonetheless, and unconsciously stared at Daehwi’s glasses-magnified eyelashes until Daehwi once again made eye contact, awaiting an answer from the roaming eyes of the fanboy.

“Um, pardon me? I didn’t know your name beforehand…”

Daehwi waves off whatever unconvincing excuses Jinyoung was going to spew next. “I’ve had one-too-many moments of being recognized in public to believe that you honestly didn’t know me. It’s okay though, the day’s been pretty good so far as you’re the first one to do so, and possibly one of the only ones in this school that sticks their nose out of a textbook long enough to know some idols in the music industry, especially rookie ones.”

Jinyoung opens his mouth to say something, but then Daehwi once again waves him off. “Since you do know me, you’ve obviously seen all those viral articles circulating Naver. I can sincerely confirm that they are all true. And since you are well associated with the content of those articles, I think it would be best for both of us to avoid each other from now on. However, thank you for considering that I’m a human being that might need company, although I don’t need company to leech off of my misery. Good bye now-” Daehwi stands up and peers closely at the taller. “Bae Jinyoung? Why do I seem to have known you from before…” Daehwi shakes his head at himself as he walks past Jinyoung to dump the uneaten contents of his tray.

Jinyoung drops his fork, and refrains from picking it up for a whole minute due to being frozen solid by shock. When he does pick up, he internally berates himself for almost sticking the dirtied utensil into his lunch.

So. Either Jihoon’s mocking joke about “baehwi” having been long-lost lovers in an ancient kingdom who promised to seek each other in reincarnated lives before they simultaneously hung themselves to avoid the torture the warring kingdom would enact on anyone they took hostage was true, or Daehwi did have some recollection of his hospital stay. The latter was probably true because when can you ever trust Jihoon?

***

He shakingly gripped the steering wheel as he drove Jihoon and his thick cast from the hospital during that afternoon. Jihoon asked him if he was fine, opting not to press for a more truthful answers after Jinyoung’s unconvincing nod because his friend respected that Jinyoung needed time before revealing his problems. Once he dropped Jihoon home, he knew he had to drive back to the hospital. For what reason though? It was highly unlikely that he would be allowed to visit Daehwi, especially as an idol’s privacy would be more strictly secured. Nonetheless, he at least wanted physical booting out of the hospital if he was to inevitably spend the rest of the night lying in his own bed, staring off into the black vortex that would replace his ceiling. (If only he prepared this persevering sense of rebellion for BNM Boys fanmeets. It would’ve saved him a lot of anguished tears over not being able to meet them.)

“What is your relation to the patient?” the attendant behind the counter boredly inquired. Well, Jinyoung supposed that with experience of working at a hospital came a certain level of apathy to not be thrust into the mass depression the location collected.

“I’m his close friend.” Jinyoung is no doubt an unskilled liar, yet the attendant didn’t hesitate to grant him visiting access. It made him wonder, did Daehwi have anyone on his visiting list?

Despite his initial boost of confidence, he stared at the sign that read ICU #129 for a good minute before tentatively twisting the door knob.

As a fanboy who thought he would eternally be too broke to ever see Daehwi up close, it was quite depressing that his first close-up of his idol would be of a small boy (yes even smaller than Jihoon) hooked to IV’s, a respirator, and many other pitiful tubes. At least the sheet was a pristine white now, and Daehwi’s serene face somehow still exuded a “sleeping beauty” aura despite his concerning condition.

“Hey, Daehwi-ah. I’m not your ideal visitor, but I you can forgive my intrusion for all that my company might be worth.” Only when he pulls out an artificial rose (it wasn’t out of stinginess since real flowers might dry up by the time Daehwi wakes up, but judge him all you want) and box of hangwa from his bag does he notice his accelerating heart rate. It happened whenever he had to address anyone outside his family and Jihoon, but this time he refused to let his anxiety deter him from communicating sincerely.

“Daehwi-ah, beyond your countless gifts and dedicated skills, you’re really the type of person I strive to be. You always cheer those around you, bring the optimistic side into account, persevere during your composing, dancing, and vocal practice… I know you’re only human, and that you suffer hardships as well, such as your mother being your only family across the globe, but I’m really appreciative you’re willing to share your fair share of struggles without letting it deter you from reaching your potential. I-I’m amazed that you have such a genuine idol image, even if you must be slightly different once you leave the scope of the camera lens. Daehwi-ah, thank you for being idol Daehwi, caring dongsaeng to BNM hyungs Daehwi, sincere son Daehwi, diligent worker Daehwi, and many other roles you have to keep the best interests of others’ in mind.”

He didn’t realize he started unconsciously stroking Daehwi’s hand until now. He smiled as he ran his thumb along each soft finger, forgetting that he was taking advantage of Daehwi’s coma to be able to hold his hand longer than any fan who would bribe millions of won to security guards for extended seconds of contact at fan meetings. This action came so naturally to him, as if they somehow already achieved a level of mutual comfort in each other’s presence for Jinyoung to initiate skinship.

“Aish, Bae Jinyoung.” He withdrew his hand, as if it wasn’t already awkward enough for him to be visiting Daehwi of all people, and that a security-breaching fanboy should’ve been expelled before getting this far in an idol’s vicinity.

“Get well soon, precious.” With a wistful smile, he stands up from his bedside seat and exits the room. Only when he locked himself inside the confines of his parked car did he have the decency to slam his head against the steering wheel.

“Why was I that ridiculously cringey… I nicknamed him “precious”? Oh god, I hope he has no memory of this.”

And sure enough, when Lee Daehwi woke up days later to the crying faces of Woojin, Youngmin, and Donghyun, his manager, and a mysterious artificial rose and box of hangwa, his memory of his confinement was almost wiped as clean as a slate. Probably not for the same reasons as Jinyoung hoped.

***

Hyungseob: Welcome back, listeners, to another broadcast of “Seobie’s Dream Radio Show!” Today our special guests are the newly debuted BNM Boys! They are taking over South Korea, but clearly have their eyes set on international fame as their title track is called “Hollywood.” Let’s give it a listen.
(“Hollywood” plays.)
Hyungseob: Again listeners, you just finished listening to “Hollywood,” the title track of BNM Boys’s debut album “Unmix.” In fact, I have BNM Boys’s with me now! So Daehwi-ssi, I heard you composed “Hollywood,” and Woojin choreographed to it. Pretty impressive for both of you at your young ages.
Daehwi: (laughs) You’re not much older than us, Hyungseob-hyung, yet you’re hosting your own radio show. But yes, I’ve had a passion for creating by own beats and tunes since I was in middle school, and lyric writing just flowed naturally after that. “Hollywood” was composed several months before our expected debut as my personal side project. When BNM heard my track and immediately approved of it as our debut song, I was shocked that my work was that highly regarded.
Hyungseob: As to be expected of someone as talented yet humble as you, Daehwi-ssi. What are your thoughts on your long career ahead of you?
Daehwi: I’m very proud that we made a successful debut, but I know this is only the beginning of unlocking my potential. I want to continue working harder for BNM Boys and our fans to see an improving image of me. They’re not just the basis my career, but also my extended family, and I want to maintain our bond until the end. BNM Boys, fighting!

***

Daehwi eyed Jinyoung’s unmoving figure as walked out of the cafeteria. He felt ashamed that he lashed the frustrations boiling inside him at someone who had only offered to be friendly (yes that was his best attempt to rub off as a violent grump). But something about the boy’s face reminded him of the reason he was booted out of his career. Whatever that reason was.