Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

13:34

Mipha added Link, Zelda, Daruk, Urbosa and Revali to the group

Mipha renamed the group Champions

Mipha: Hey guys! I decided to make a group chat so we can talk about our champion duties!

Urbosa: bless u mipha
Urbosa: we dont deserve u

Daruk: mipha the real mvp

Mipha: mvp?

Urbosa: not important
Urbosa: where the fuck are the others

Zelda: Urbosa! Language!

Urbosa: oh hush weve all heard worse
Urbosa: have u met revali

Revali: I resent that.

Link: I resent you

Revali: wow
Revali: don’t I feel so attacked
Revali: destroyed by an elf

Urbosa: #rekt

Daruk: don’t

Urbosa: w a t c h m e

Link: I came out here to have a good time and I honestly feel so attacked right now

Revali: yknow I think I liked you better when you didn’t talk
Revali: go back to being a silent protag

Urbosa: let him be
Urbosa: im glad theres another memer in this chat

Zelda: Mipha, I think you’ve made a mistake

Mipha: For some reason, Zelda, I’m inclined to agree.

Urbosa: dont lie to me zelda i know that u and link are practically the same person
Urbosa: im ur mother i know u best

Zelda: Urbosa my mother died a long time ago

Daruk: a long time ago we lost our dearest urbosa

Urbosa: QUIT TELLING PEOPLE IM DEAD

Daruk: sometimes I can still hear her voice

Urbosa: O H M Y G O D

Revali has left the group

Urbosa: oh no

Urbosa added Revali to the group

Urbosa: ur not leaving
Urbosa: mipha fuckin put u in this chat and ur gonna stay

Revali: she made this chat to talk about CHAMPION things

Daruk: and youre a champion so you have to stay

Mipha: Actually I’m realizing it’s a huge mistake
Mipha: I’m going to delete it

Urbosa: LET IT LIVE

Revali: I second your decision, miph

Daruk: nah I think it should stay

Link: me too

Zelda: I don’t think it’ll be that bad

Revali: I hate all of you.

Urbosa changed Revali’s nickname to Ravioli

Ravioli: you especially

Urbosa: HAHA

Chapter Text

09:14

Champions

Urbosa: zelda enlighten me
Urbosa: what are u and link having for breakfast today

Link: why do you care???

Urbosa: bc im tired of fruit and seal meat
Urbosa: what are the hylians eating
Urbosa: what delicious meals are you having

Daruk: i’m eating rocks

Urbosa: literally
Urbosa: nO oNe asked you
Urbosa: im assuming revali is eating ravioli

Ravioli: you’re not funny

Urbosa: would u say im
Urbosa: asinine
Urbosa: also fuck off im hilarious

Ravioli: why are you like this

Urbosa: tbh this chat needs some sort of joker
Urbosa: and whoop im here
Urbosa: where’s mipha?

Zelda: Mipha has breakfast with her father and brother
Zelda: No group chats allowed

Daruk: do y’all like rocks

Urbosa: y’all

Link: y’all

Ravioli: y’all

Daruk changed his nickname to y’all

y’all: revali I’m surprised you joined in

Ravioli: why did you suddenly ask a dumb question like that

Urbosa: wow revali is just roasting everyone lately

Ravioli: ever since you put me in this chat my temper has been rising
Ravioli: and without Mipha right now here I don’t have to censor myself

Link: I will teleport to her and tell her
Link: I have the slate

Zelda: when did you take it?????

Link: im not telling you
Link: fUcKK
Link: help SHS CHAISNG ME

Ravioli: nah you deserve this

Urbosa: just dont kill him
Urbosa: cant explain that one to ur father

y’all: come on little man don’t let her beat you like this!!
y’all: she’s just a princess!!

Zelda: EXCUSE ME?

y’all: shit

Zelda: WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE GRILLED GORON FOR BREAKFAST WITH A SIDE OF TOASTED HYLIAN

Urbosa: u done fucked

Ravioli: here lies Daruk
Ravioli: 5ever in our hearts

Urbosa: omg revoovoo you memed

Ravioli: who the fuck is revoovoo

Link: HEL P ME

10:54

Mipha: what the heck did I miss

Chapter Text

07:21

Zelda renamed the group Breakfast Club

Zelda: let it be known that early morning meetings with councilmen about things you don’t have a SINGLE care about are the worst
Zelda: I also wasn’t served breakfast today yet
Zelda: So im starved
Zelda: make sure to eat breakfast

10:34

Urbosa: omg thanks bby
Urbosa: ill make sure to eat

Ravioli: did you just wake up

Urbosa: i didnt come here to be attacked birdbrain
Urbosa: but yes

Mipha: Do you always wake up so late??

Urbosa: i wake with the sun and then want to strike myself with my own lightening and fall back asleep
Urbosa: the only reason im alive is for zelda

Zelda: <3 <3

y’all: is the meeting over princess?

Zelda: no
Zelda: but I asked to be excused

Urbosa: how long ago

Zelda: !!!
Zelda: …thirty minutes ago

Link: Is that why the minister is trying to hunt me down??
Link: man cant practice with a sword for five minutes without a balding midGET coming around
Link: asking where I hid the damn princess to the throne
Link: for a second I thought youd been taken
Link: but then he told me yall were in the middle of a meeting

Urbosa: daruk what are you doing at the castle

y’all: literally fuck off

Link: and then I was just filled with disapPOINT
Link: remember when you couldnt harness your powers

Zelda: I know where you sleep

Mipha: No violence!!!

Zelda: it won’t be violent I’ll just burn all his clothes

Link: pls dont I have so little anyway

Ravioli: you have that warm doublet you bought from my village

y’all: and the fireproof armor

Mipha: and the armor I made you!

Urbosa: and that elf costume

Link: actually zel please burn that one

Zelda: I’ll leave the tingle one alone

Link: NO

Zelda changed Link’s nickname to Elf Man

Elf Man: zleda if I could Id fucking quit being a champion

Ravioli: please do

Urbosa: elf man and ravioli, the manchild and pasta duo

Ravioli: youre horrible
Ravioli: I’m quitting too

Ravioli has left the group

Urbosa: bye bye pasta

Mipha added Ravioli to the group

Urbosa: mipha ur too good for us

Mipha: someone has to be

Ravioli: Mipha please let me leave

Mipha: nope
Mipha: I love you and respect your opinions and decisions
Mipha: unless they’re wrong
Mipha: like that one
Mipha: so no

Ravioli: I have never felt more attacked

y’all: wow

Urbosa: #savage

Chapter Text

02:25

Breakfast Club

Zelda: LINK
Zelda: WHERE ARE YOU
Zelda: WHY WAS I WOKEN UP BY A GUARD AND TOLD THAT YOURE MISSING

Mipha: Link is missing?????

Zelda: apparently the guard that does our rounds went into his room to check and he wasnT THERE

Ravioli: what the fuck man
Ravioli: its 2:30 in the mornig
Ravioli: cant you guys sleep for once

Zelda: I WILL WHEN LINK TELLS ME WHERE HE IS

Urbosa: maybe hes jackin it
Urbosa: constantly being in the presence of a beautiful princess such as urself
Urbosa: gotta relieve some tension

Zelda: firstly
Zelda: thanks for the compliment
Zelda: Secondly
Zelda: we’ve checked the entire castle and he’s not here

Urbosa: if i was link in a castle full of guards
Urbosa: who make rounds
Urbosa: i wouldnt stay in the castle to do anything like that

Mipha: you’re giving me too much information about Link!!

Urbosa: oops sry forgot ur mildly obsessed with him
Urbosa: but u know im right

Zelda: I guess you have a point
Zelda: but where could he have gone??

Ravioli: because I have respect for the princess
Ravioli: and not the elf
Ravioli: I did a quick round around Tabantha
Ravioli: I couldn’t see him even with my heightened eyesight

Zelda: bUT TABANTHA IS REALLY FAR FROM THE CASTLE????

Ravioli: HE WASNT THERE HOLY SHIT CALM DOWN
Ravioli: where’s Daruk when we need him
Ravioli: we could get him to get on the divine beast
Ravioli: heck everyone should get on a divine beast

Zelda: I DON’T HAVE ONE

Urbosa: zelda babe holy fuck
Urbosa: weve got this
Urbosa: put some faith in us

04:02

Elf Man: im ok

Zelda: ITS BEEN TWO HOURS WHERE ARE YOU

Elf Man: hunting boars in the woods
Elf Man: close to the castle

Zelda: BOARS????????

Elf Man: i got hungry

Ravioli: youre literally a fucking disaster
Ravioli: woke us up for nothing
Ravioli: we all had to wake our beasts up
Ravioli: you stressed the princess out so much
Ravioli: you freaked mipha out
Ravioli: may I remind you weve been up since 2 looking for your elf ass
Ravioli: so fuck you

Elf Man: sorry for being hungry

Urbosa: SORRY MEANS NOTHING
Urbosa: DO YOU KNOW BAD AN INFLUENCE I LOOK LIKE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE RN
Urbosa: IM THE LEADER OF THE TRIBE AND UR RUINING IT BY MAKING ME USE A DAMN CAMEL TO FIND UR TWINK SELF

Zelda: i wholeheartedly agree with the twink statement

Elf Man: im never sharing my food with any of you ever again
Elf Man: fuck you guys

Chapter Text

13:24

Breakfast Club

y’all: why is this still the breakfast club

Zelda: it’s a reminder for everyone to eat breakfast
Zelda: we don’t all live by our main source of food

y’all: I mean
y’all: I guess link kinda does

Elf Man: are we still going on about me leaving in the middle of the night

Zelda: you ruinED my sleep schedule

Elf Man: wouldnt you do that if you were hungry???

Ravioli: literally no one would leave the castle if they were hungry to hunt boars you idiot

Elf Man: maybe i should move in with mipha she wouldn’t attack me for something like this

Mipha: That’s where you’re wrong

Mipha changed her nickname to Nope

Nope: I may love you from the bottom of my heart but I’d rather not
Nope: You can sleep with Sidon if you move here

Elf Man: no sidon chews on my head when he sleeps
Elf Man: he has sharp teeth

Nope: All the more reason to come.

Elf Man: why do you guys hate me

Urbosa: oh i dont know
Urbosa: maybe bc u snuck out from the castle at 2 am without telling anyone
Urbosa: and just skipped over the woods to look for wild pigs
Urbosa: bc u were hungRY

Elf Man: again i see no problems

Nope: Can we stop arguing about this

Ravioli: of all people that would jump on a chance to have link move in with them
Ravioli: mipha turned it dOWN?

Zelda: I would too if he didnt already live here

Elf Man: i could have gone to hebra
Elf Man: or to akkala or faron
Elf Man: hell i could have gone to lurelin if i wanted to
Elf Man: but i didnt
Elf Man: i stayed close to the castle

Zelda: Goddesses forbid if you had gone to hebra i would have left you there on your own to die
Zelda: without warm clothes

y’all: ouch
y’all: isnt that harsh

Zelda: after what he did yesterday
Zelda: no

Urbosa: can agree
Urbosa: link deserves all the harshness

Elf Man: revali im moving in with you guys

Ravioli: fuck you no
Ravioli: stay away from my village

Elf Man: will anyone take me in so the princess doesn’t murder me
Elf Man: please

y’all: i can

Elf Man: youre the best daruk

y’all: only if you dont wear the fireproof armor

Elf Man: nvm

Chapter Text

19:40

Breakfast Club

Ravioli: daruk is afraid of dogs
Ravioli: mipha is afraid of losing the ones she loves
Ravioli: urbosa is afraid of losing zelda
Ravioli: link is afraid of lynels
Ravioli: zelda is afraid of urbosas thunder
Ravioli: aaaand discourse

y’all: why are you calling us out like this
y’all: also who toLD YOU THAT
y’all: THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WAS THE PRINCESS

Zelda: oops

Elf Man: have you guys SEEN a lynel
Elf Man: youd shit yourself too
Elf Man: theyre massive and the can almost kill you in one shot
Elf Man: i only interact with them if they attack first
Elf Man: which is 99% of the time

Zelda: i am not afraid of urbosa’s thunder
Zelda: i’m only afraid of it when she does it unexpectedly

Ravioli: so always

Zelda: go away

Nope: Sidon’s afraid of heights

Elf Man: doesnt he go up on the dams

Nope: Against his will

Urbosa: wow mipha ur horrible to him

Zelda: I remember when I met him!
Zelda: he was afraid of swimming up the waterfall

Urbosa: and yes i am afraid of losing my zelda
Urbosa: u guys didnt help basically raise her
Urbosa: i already lost her mother and i dont need to lose my little bird

Zelda: Urbosa
Zelda: <3<3<3
Zelda: I love you so much

Urbosa changed her nickname to mother bird

Zelda changed her nickname to little bird

mother bird renamed the group nest

Nope: You two are literally going to give me diabetes

little bird: Revali aren’t you scared of anything

Ravioli: pssh
Ravioli: nah

y’all: there has to be something

little bird: maybe he’s afraid of Link?

Ravioli: why the fuck would i be afraid of that nerd

Elf Man: at least i dont molt

Ravioli: fite me

Elf Man: with pleasure

Nope: I say Revali is afraid of not being superior to Link

y’all: ...

mother bird: ...

Elf Man: ...

little bird: wouldn’t that mean that he’s always scared

Ravioli: youre lucky youre the princess or id throw you off the highest peak of rito village

Chapter Text

12:59

nest

mother bird: this meeting has been going on forever
mother bird: zelda my doll i love u but ur father just drones on and on

little bird: i know
little bird: try being his daughter

Ravioli: i’m pretty sure half of the royal guards are sleeping while they’re standing

little bird: same

y’all: i will admit that the food is the reason im here

mother bird: again
mother bird: forever tired of fruit and seal meat
mother bird: so big mood daruk

Nope: do you think if i just
Nope: stop existing
Nope: the king wont be mad

Ravioli: are you ok miph
Ravioli: youre not capitalizing anything

Nope: im so exhausted that i cant be bothered
Nope: casual reminder im the only one out of the six of us with a brother
Nope: and that brother reaaaaally likes to wake me up before the sun is up
Nope: just to tell me he loves me

little bird: we dont deserve sidon

Nope: we really dont

Nope changed her nickname to dead and tired

mother bird: u are the biggest mood today mipha

y’all: right youre usually the calm and collected person in this group

dead and tired: honestly even i have my limits
dead and tired: and im sorry to say zelda but your father is my hard limit

little bird: as i said earlier
little bird: i live with him and he isnt the proudest of me
little bird: yall are just champions

mother bird: damn straight daruk is a champion

y’all: ffs

y’all changed his nickname to rock’n’roll

rock’n’roll: leave me alone

little bird: and im the princess of destiny
little bird: who for the longest time couldnt harness her powers
little bird: why did no one tell me thaT MY FATHER STOPPED TALKING AND WAS LOOKING AT ME

mother bird: oops

little bird: because i need reasons for him to hate me more

Ravioli: where’s link btw
Ravioli: he hasnt said anything and he would be the person who would be blowing this chat up
Ravioli: im looking around and dont see him

mother bird: what
mother bird: omg ur right

dead and tired: did he just leave?

little bird: what????
little bird: oh my god i dont have the slate
little bird: are you fucKIGN kidding me

rock’n’roll: wait so he just took the slate and left???
rock’n’roll: when??????

Elf Man: when the meeting basically started
Elf Man: im in kakariko

little bird: sON OF A BITCH

Chapter Text

03:28

nest

mother bird: zelda what did u use to make these fabrics be so damn comfortable and soft
mother bird: like i can sleep forever on my shawl

Ravioli: clearly you cant if youre not sleeping now

mother bird: i wanted to exPRESS my gratitude

Ravioli: express it in the morning

mother bird: i will pluck all ur feathers

10:05

mother bird: as i was saying earlier
mother bird: zelda these fabrics u made are heaven

little bird: thank you!!
little bird: i was afraid you guys wouldnt like them

dead and tired: are you kidding??
dead and tired: theyre so soft
dead and tired: sidon borrows it at night to sleep on it

little bird: awww

Ravioli: your brother is a gift

dead and tired: hes only a gift when he doesnt wake me up at sunrise

rock’n’roll: i have to thank you for making mine fireproof

little bird: of course!
little bird: i had to take into account that you basically live in a volcano
little bird: and everything is always on fire

dead and tired: i wish i was on fire

mother bird: dude same

Ravioli: i have to watch out for the tykes in the village
Ravioli: they have a tendency to destroy things because children are assholes

mother bird: never become a father

Ravioli: i honestly dont want to

little bird: in case anyone is wondering
little bird: which no one is
little bird: i had to make links super durable
little bird: since you know
little bird: he likes to get in trouble

rock’n’roll: where is he anyway

little bird: if i knew my dude
little bird: he doesnt have the slate, before anyone asks

mother bird: for once

16:35

dead and tired: so uh
dead and tired: i found him

little bird: i dont like the way youre saying that

dead and tired: he accidentally got wrapped up with a lynel
dead and tired: and sidon isnt helping by biting hIS HEAD
dead and tired: also that shirt wasnt very durable

little bird: aksfhdskghf

rock’n’roll: bro you need to get a hold of your life

Ravioli: is it that white lynel that always shoots shock arrows when i try to fly in?

dead and tired: yeah
dead and tired: it has no mercy

Elf Man changed his nickname to fuck lynels

fuck lynels: mood for the rest of my life

little bird: how badly is your shirt damaged

fuck lynels: bad
fuck lynels: its basically shreds

mother bird: for once in ur life can u not

fuck lynels: again
fuck lynels: i dont start shit with lynels
fuck lynels: they start it with me

little bird: i dont give a shit who started what

rock’n’roll: dont you mean you dont give a shirt

little bird: akjsefhadskfdsjkbg

little bird has left the group

fuck lynels added little bird to the group

fuck lynels: nope

little bird: asfjhesUFDSGFJSAHDG

Chapter Text

3:28

nest

dead and tired: link
dead and tired: im sorry for this being so early but
dead and tired: all of your friends are asking when youre going to visit the domain
dead and tired: also some of my girlfriends are asking too
dead and tired: you can answer in the morning
dead and tired: also yes
dead and tired: sidon woke me up
dead and tired: the sun isnt even up why does he hate me

9:12

fuck lynels: ????
fuck lynels: i literally saw them a few days ago after i got attacked what the hell

mother bird: arent u ever popular with the ladies

dead and tired: yeah the female zora always flock around him when he visits
dead and tired: must be the sword or something

mother bird: yeah
mother bird: the sword

little bird: urbosa please

rock’n’roll: wasnt link ambushed when he went to the desert last time

little bird: yeah we were once ambushed by some yiga

mother bird: no no no my dearest zelda
mother bird: the ladies of the town reeeeally like link
mother bird: he may not be able to step foot inside but they have no problems walking out to see him
mother bird: and boiiiii
mother bird: do they swarm

fuck lynels: can confirm
fuck lynels: gerudo ladies love me

Ravioli: maybe thats why urbosa likes you so much

mother bird: hell no
mother bird: i dont go for twinks

fuck lynels: are you still on that

mother bird: absolutely

rock’n’roll: so hes popular with fish people

dead and tired: we’re called zora you rock fucker

rock’n’roll: we dont fuck them we eat them sweetheart
rock’n’roll: and with ethnic tough ladies

mother bird: fuck yeah he is

little bird: i never knew about all that

Ravioli: this is delicious blackmail material

fuck lynels: dont you dare

Ravioli: cant stop me

mother bird changed her nickname to generic ethnic tough lady

generic ethnic tough lady: i have arrived

Ravioli: why must you have such a long name

generic ethnic tough lady changed Ravioli’s nickname to bitch

bitch: are you kidding me

generic ethnic tough lady: longest and shortest nicknames
generic ethnic tough lady: let the shipping begin

little bird: were the only ones in this chat

rock’n’roll: i ship it

fuck lynels: what the fuck daruk

dead and tired: i hate all of you

bitch: fukc

Chapter Text

14:35

nest

rock’n’roll: the whole nest name doesnt really make sense now that urbosa’s nickname is a mile long

generic ethnic tough lady: why am i always the one attacked

bitch: you make it too easy

generic ethnic tough lady: listen you bird fuck

bitch: come at me tall hoe

fuck lynels: this is why daruk ships you two

rock’n’roll: that is true
rock’n’roll: yall make it too easy

dead and tired: you make it too easy?

rock’n’roll: my name isnT yall anymore godfuck

little bird: godfuck

rock’n’roll: im not changing my name to godfuck all of you can suck my dick

generic ethnic tough lady: pls no
generic ethnic tough lady: i dont want to think about ur dick

fuck lynels: she wants to think about revalis instead

bitch: please no

generic ethnic tough lady: for once in my life revali i have to agree with you

dead and tired: youre just helping the ship sail

generic ethnic tough lady: really loud sigh

generic ethnic tough lady left the group

bitch: omg she actually left
bitch: no one add her back

dead and tired added generic ethnic tough lady to the group

bitch: MIPHA

dead and tired: i created this group
dead and tired: fuck you

fuck lynels: i swear to god we would be in chaos without mipha around

bitch: are we not already

generic ethnic tough lady: let me leave

little bird: but mom

generic ethnic tough lady: nvm
generic ethnic tough lady: i cant leave my daughter with these hooligans

dead and tired: rude

generic ethnic tough lady: *daughters

bitch: mom kink confirmed

rock’n’roll: are you into that?

bitch: ksdguhsd
bitch: n o
bitch: fucky ou

little bird: omg revali

fuck lynels: let the kinkshaming commence

bitch: fuck aLl of yOU

Chapter Text

15:23

nest

little bird: lmao the minister knows about this chat goddess save me

bitch: how???

little bird: he caught me during my lessons
little bird: firstly i dont understand why i need lessons if i have to work on guardian stuff
little bird: whO was the one tasked with figuring out how the guardians work

dead and tired: not you????

little bird: alright listen
little bird: i gave myself this task

rock’n’roll: maybe thats why the king is always so upset with you?
rock’n’roll: youre not paying attention to the lessons people have prepared for you?

little bird: ANYWAY
little bird: i was looking through this chat for laughs since link is a disaster

fuck lynels: why is it always me

generic ethnic tough lady changed fuck lynels’ nickname to disaster

generic ethnic tough lady: bc u are one

disaster: fair

little bird: and he toOK my communicator away from me and read everything that weve talked about

disaster: does that include the balding midget part

little bird: yes

disaster: fuck

bitch: to be fair
bitch: he is a balding midget

disaster: thank you revali
disaster: im glad someone appreciates my humor

bitch: i never said that

disaster: fucker

little bird: he was especially angry about that
little bird: he doesnt think hes balding

disaster: but he admits that hes a midget

generic ethnic tough lady: zelda ur entire work force is a mess

little bird: you think i dont know that

disaster: maybe thats why youre a nerd

little bird: excuse me

rock’n’roll: oh boy
rock’n’roll: listen brother i learned the hard way
rock’n’roll: dont insult the princess

disaster: no she once tried to force feed me a frog

little bird: it was good for you!
little bird: had certain properties that would heal you!

dead and tired: you tried to force feed him
dead and tired: a frog

disaster: and she went on a rant about silent princess flowers

little bird: that you keep piCKING

disaster: IF YOU LIKE THEM IMMA GET SOME FOR YOU

generic ethnic tough lady: thats adorable
generic ethnic tough lady: mipha you have competition

dead and tired: dont

bitch changed little bird’s nickname to nerd

nerd: LITERally WRHY

generic ethnic tough lady: hey we match again now
generic ethnic tough lady: longest and shortest name

Chapter Text

 02:51

nest

bitch: i want everyone to know that im forever thankful for you guys
bitch: i may say shit abotu you btut i really realy care abuot all of you
bitch: except ofr urbosa
bitch: you cna go fuck yourself
bitch: and link
bitch: bitch ass twink
bitch: holy shit its a;readu three am
bitch: i didnt realize id been fdrinking this late oops
bitch: smetmies a chamotipn needs ti jsut
bitch: unwind and chill
bitch: what if i just jump off this ledge
bitch: omg brb

05:42

nerd: revali
nerd: what the fuck
nerd: omg plS RESPOND

06:24

dead and tired: ?????
dead and tired: omg

06:50

rock’n’roll: what
rock’n’roll: revali where are you

nerd: ???????????

07:48

dead and tired: did you guys find him?

disaster: zelda woke me up and asked me to use the slate to warp to rito village
disaster: i havent found him yet

nerd: omggggg
nerd: who gets drunk and fuckING JUST VANISHES

rock’n’roll: revali apparently

disaster: im gonna explore a little more of tabantha

nerd: please do

09:29

generic ethnic tough lady: ??????
generic ethnic tough lady: for the love of din revali

rock’n’roll: welcome to the club

generic ethnic tough lady renamed the group find birdshit

nerd: accurate

disaster: birdshit

generic ethnic tough lady: ill try to get to naboris to gain higher ground
generic ethnic tough lady: bc hes a dumb bird

10:39

generic ethnic tough lady: ok
generic ethnic tough lady: so it took me a while to get on naboris bc of previous engagements with visitors to the town and whatnot
generic ethnic tough lady: but
generic ethnic tough lady: turns out
generic ethnic tough lady: naboris hid the dumbass the whole time

nerd: arE YOU SERIOUS

disaster: hes on your divine beast???

rock’n’roll: and yall wonder why i ship you

generic ethnic tough lady: hes passed tf out

nerd: wake him up with your thunder

generic ethnic tough lady: omg

10:59

bitch: who told the tall hoe to fuckING US HER THUNDER
bitch: iM HUNGOVER ASSHOLES

nerd: WHOSE FAULT IS THAT YOU WHORE

Chapter Text

11:12

find birdshit

nerd: so
nerd: were visiting daruk right

rock’n’roll: hell yeah they is

nerd: and apparently
nerd: link didnt bring enough fireproof elixir for me
nerd: since he has the armor

bitch: oh no

nerd: and so we went to the shop to see if theyre selling any
nerd: and link apparently doesnt have enough rupees

dead and tired: how even
dead and tired: the amount hes found from killing monsters and blowing up rocks is insane
dead and tired: and i know for a fact that he sells luminous stones to a guy for diamonds

generic ethnic tough lady: mipha are u sure thats not a drug dealer

dead and tired: listen
dead and tired: i dont get involved in that

nerd: ANYWAY
nerd: he has no money
nerd: so we decided to share the armor

bitch: how does that even work

nerd: i have the helmet
nerd: he has the chestplate
nerd: and unsurprisingly it isnt working that well

generic ethnic tough lady: what does that mean

rock’n’roll: links hair is on fire

dead and tired: no way

nerd sent a photo!

 
Art by kitty-with-a-knife

nerd: yep

dead and tired: OMG

bitch: hes literally being roasted

disaster: this isnT FUNNY

nerd: its hilarious
nerd: we wouldnt be in this situation if you had rupees

generic ethnic tough lady: im crying @ daruk in the back with the thumbs up

nerd: ok imma go get him out of here brb

21:52

disaster: that was the absolute worst
disaster: there are reasons we dont hold guardian meetings in goron city
disaster: thats literally why

bitch: you didnt die what are you complaining about

Chapter Text

14:24

find birdshit

disaster: id like to remind everyone that a few days ago revali got smashed and went missing
disaster: bc we never really talked about it

bitch: theres no reason to talk about it

nerd: honestly there is????
nerd: you almost died

generic ethnic tough lady: how is that a bad thing

nerd: urbosa
nerd: i understand that you dont like each other
nerd: but for once

rock’n’roll: are we about to have an intervention

bitch: no

nerd: yes

dead and tired: you literally jumped off of a cliff and flew to naboris without telling anyone
dead and tired: and then as we all woke up we had to go look for your ass

nerd: exactly!
nerd: and you typed a bunch of random bullshit before that that we need to talk about

bitch: we can ignore the drunken babble
bitch: we can talk about why zelda was awake at 6

nerd: im a fucking princess you birdcock
nerd: i have royal duties to attend to

generic ethnic tough lady: birDCOCK

rock’n’roll: its really nice that you love all of us revali but you cant drink until you cant see and go hide on naboris

bitch: it just so happened that i went on naboris
bitch: i cant remember how i got up there

dead and tired: to be fair
dead and tired: at least he didnt go up to medoh

nerd: oh goddesses
nerd: id actually kill him

bitch: a man cant have a couple of drinks once in a while?

generic ethnic tough lady: first of all
generic ethnic tough lady: ur not a man ur a bird
generic ethnic tough lady: secondly
generic ethnic tough lady: u ended up on my camel bc u drank too much

disaster: usually i get attacked but this is a nice change

bitch: dont worry once they finish with me theyll come back for you

disaster: oh i know
disaster: im screenshotting everything for blackmail

bitch: remember when you were constantly ambushed by women

dead and tired: his magnetism towards women is significantly less problematic than whats been going on with you

rock’n’roll: petition to take all the alcohol away from revali

nerd: ill sign it seven times

bitch: let me live

Chapter Text

17:21

disaster renamed the group cookin with link

disaster changed his nickname to chef boyarlink

chef boyarlink: ya gotta do the cookin by the book

rock’n’roll changed his nickname to sue chef goro

sue chef goro: you know you cant be lazy

generic ethnic tough lady: nOW BREaK It DOwn bITcH

nerd: what the fuck

chef boyarlink: today well be making pumpkin stew
chef boyarlink: you put a fortified pumpkin, some goat butter, fresh milk and tabantha wheat into a pot and stir until its done

sue chef goro: for a good rock meal, just take some off of a cave wall

bitch: do you guys drink lava?

sue chef goro: we eat it like a soup

generic ethnic tough lady: ur making me hungry

bitch: what is it with you hylians and food

sue chef goro: im a goron you piece of shit

dead and tired: recipe for bitch roast
dead and tired: one rito champion and one fire arrow

bitch: iM FuKCIgn

chef boyarlink: fried egg and rice is pretty easy
chef boyarlink: bird egg and hylian rice

nerd: fruitcake is made with either wildberry or apple oR BOTH with any other fruit and some cane sugar and some tabantha wheat and itS THE BEST

sue chef goro: rock soup is a goron specialty where you just get a bowl of lava and add some good fresh rock as seasoning
sue chef goro: whole pieces of rock salt are optional

generic ethnic tough lady: i hate all of you
generic ethnic tough lady: im so hungry

chef boyarlink: a meat skewer is made with any meat
chef boyarlink: just throw whatever you have in there

nerd: ok but guys
nerd: fRUIT C A KE

dead and tired: this is when im glad that zoras eat smaller fish

bitch: you guys are cannibals?

dead and tired: zorAS arent FIs h

bitch: could have fooled me

sue chef goro: and sometimes for dessert we like to have some of the rocks that sit in the hot srpings since they make us feel nice and warm

dead and tired: you guys are literally always on fire

chef boyarlink: salmon meuniere is made with hearty salmon, goat butter and tabantha wheat

dead and tired: i can cook sidon if you guys want some fish dishes

bitch: nope
bitch: also thought you said zoras arent fish so ???????

chef boyarlink: were going to take a quick commercial break
chef boyarlink: bc whAT THE FUCK MIPHA

sue chef goro: are you ok?????

nerd: DONT COOK YOUR BROTHER

generic ethnic tough lady: food talk from here on out in this chat is canceled
generic ethnic tough lady: everyone go home

Chapter Text

15:25

cookin with link

chef boyarlink: i have never seen a man become more red than the minster just did

sue chef goro: the balding midget

chef boyarlink: the one and only

generic ethnic tough lady: what did u do this time

nerd: i may have burned the kitchen a little bit

dead and tired: doing whAT

nerd: making fruitcake

bitch: you and your fruitcake

nerd: fruitcake is a religion

chef boyarlink: boy the goddesses would have a field day if they heard you say that

nerd: well dont tell them

generic ethnic tough lady: i feel like ur underestimating the goddesses
generic ethnic tough lady: the creators of the world
generic ethnic tough lady: omniscient beings

nerd: thats a ten rupee word if ive ever seen one

bitch: didnt know urbosa had that kind of knowledge

generic ethnic tough lady: listen my people may believe in a goddess of the sand that worked with ur three divinities and people may call us dumb about it buT UR NAYRU DID BLESS EVEN ME WITH SOME WISDOM

dead and tired: can we get back to zelda burning the kitchen making a cake

nerd: not just any cake my dear fish lady

dead and tired: first of all
dead and tired: im a fucking zora
dead and tired: second of all
dead and tired: cake, fruitcake, whatever kind of cake i dont care

nerd: religion

bitch: its not a religion shut up

chef boyarlink: its like the whole issue with the silent princess flowers

nerd: make me fruitcake link and ill marry you

dead and tired: excuse me

chef boyarlink: i cant the kitchen is fuckING CHARCOAL

dead and tired: excUSE ME

sue chef goro: face it mipha
sue chef goro: youre not the favorite

dead and tired: i dont need to hear that from the champion that always gets forgotten

bitch: oh my gOD MIPHA

sue chef goro: innocent mipha roasting always hurts the most and it burns everyone even if theyre not involved

Chapter Text

14:35

cookin with link

nerd: remember that one time that mipha mentioned a zora that sold diamonds for luminous stones

bitch: the drug dealer?

dead and tired: im sure hes not a drug dealer

sue chef goro: mipha
sue chef goro: i doubt that
sue chef goro: but as we once established nO ONE REMEMBERS ME

generic ethnic tough lady: this chat is dissolving into madness

bitch: it did so a long time ago

nerd: MIPHA HAS A DRUG DEALER AT THE DOMAIN

dead and tired: I DO NOT

chef boyarlink: whos the drug dealer

nerd: its the guy that you buy diamonds from

chef boyarlink: i mean
chef boyarlink: he is kinda shady

generic ethnic tough lady: so a drug dealer

chef boyarlink: hes never dealed me any drugs

bitch: the most hylian thing ive ever heard you ever say

nerd: just because he never dealt you drugs doesnt mean he doesnt deal drugs at all

dead and tired: i really dont think hes a drug dealer
dead and tired: i can go ask him

sue chef goro: he wont tell you dummy

dead and tired: im the zora princess i think someone will tell me

generic ethnic tough lady: all the more reason to not tell u
generic ethnic tough lady: now i dont know anything about zora policies
generic ethnic tough lady: and how u all view drugs
generic ethnic tough lady: but u could arrest him with little trouble if u really wanted to and if he really was a dealer

nerd: ^^^

chef boyarlink: but then where would i get my diamonds

bitch: where did he get hIS diamonds

nerd: ^ ^ ^

chef boyarlink: zelda if youre gonna be a part of the conversation youll have to talk and not gesture to other peoples messages

nerd: fuck off elf

chef boyarlink: im just stating fact

dead and tired: hes not a drug dealer

generic ethnic tough lady: what if he tried to sell some drugs to sidon

dead and tired: the only one thats allowed to sell sidon drugs will be me

bitch: what

dead and tired changed her nickname to drug dealer

drug dealer: same reason ill cook him for links cooking show

chef boyarlink: were not cooking your brother
chef boyarlink: you need an intervention

generic ethnic tough lady: i thought i banned food talk in this chat

nerd: you can never ban fruitcake

bitch: all of you are food addicts and im concerned

sue chef goro: maybe miphas drug dealer will like lava soup

bitch: if hes not a goron he cant eat it bc itll burn him alive

sue chef goro: is he a goron

nerd: no im pretty sure hes a zora if he lives in the domain

chef boyarlink: can confirm that there is a goron in the domain

bitch: ENOUGH

Chapter Text

02:36

cookin with link

chef boyarlink: imagine if calamity ganon struck right now

nerd: please dont say that
nerd: ever
nerd: you can shit on fruitcake
nerd: but dont say that calamity ganon may strike

bitch: fruitcake sucks

nerd: you how fucK THE DARE

chef boyarlink: nah but foreal
chef boyarlink: how would we beat him

generic ethnic tough lady: clearly youd bust out some gr8 recipes at him until he surrendered

sue chef goro: honestly id pay to see that

nerd: revali would probably drunkenly land on him like he did naboris

bitch: leave me alone already

chef boyarlink: daruk would offer him lava soup and hed burn to death from the inside out

sue chef goro: urbosa would probably just reference a bunch of memes until he got annoyed

generic ethnic tough lady: absolutely the heck i would

bitch: what if we used the divine beasts
bitch: yknow the machines that were CREATED to stop calamity ganon

nerd: nah thats boring

bitch: says the literal nerd

nerd: i will pluck every feather individually

generic ethnic tough lady: speaking of boring
generic ethnic tough lady: zelda would 100% bore the shit out of calamity ganon with all her knowledge
generic ethnic tough lady: bc my bby is so smart

nerd: im not sure whether to be offended or take it as a compliment

chef boyarlink: both ideally

sue chef goro: what about mipha

bitch: oh she would definitely roast the shit out of ganon

drug dealer: pig ass never even saw it comin

bitch: see

nerd: all of our attacks do little damage but mipha lands the final blow

drug dealer: my secret weapon will be sidon
drug dealer: ill tell him to bite the shit out of that monster

chef boyarlink: honestly sidon would probably do a lot of damage
chef boyarlink: his teeth are sharp as hell

chef boyarlink renamed the group sidons shahp teefers

drug dealer: a beautiful name

Chapter Text

07:35

sidons shahp teefers

generic ethnic tough lady: hey remember when zelda almost forced link to eat a frog

bitch: i thought you banned food talk

generic ethnic tough lady: if i start it it doesnt count

sue chef goro: literally
sue chef goro: not how that works

generic ethnic tough lady: so i was thinking
generic ethnic tough lady: what other strange things has our elf boy eaten

nerd: why are you awake

generic ethnic tough lady: idk

chef boyarlink: i honestly havent eaten that much weird stuff

drug dealer: i have watched you eat an entire hearty blueshell snail
drug dealer: without cooking it

nerd: you ate a RAW snail?

chef boyarlink: oh my god

bitch: ive seen you swipe eggs from nests and crack them open right there

chef boyarlink: to be fair birds are assholes

bitch: my people descend from birds you fuck

chef boyarlink: and you validate my point

sue chef goro: he once visited the city and sat down and ate an entire bird in front of me

drug dealer: was it on fire

bitch: he lives in an active volcano of course it was on fire

drug dealer: alright birdman calm your feathers

generic ethnic tough lady: do i have to mention how many hyrdomelons u go through when ur here
generic ethnic tough lady: bc its a lot

chef boyarlink: listen
chef boyarlink: i get hungry

nerd: and they said it was weird that i was trying to feed you frogs
nerd: goddesses only know what has gone into your body

chef boyarlink: ive never eaten anything dangerous

sue chef goro: debatable

bitch: i worry about you so much sometimes
bitch: not because im your friend
bitch: becuase fuck you im not
bitch: but because youre the princess’ closest knight
bitch: and the biggest idiot ive ever seen

chef boyarlink: your insults dont burn as much as miphas do

drug dealer: aye

bitch: thats fine

generic ethnic tough lady: so basically links stomach is a fuckin black hole

nerd: i guess thats a good way to describe it

chef boyarlink: i will go live in the forest with the boars

nerd: you step a single foot into that forest and im banishing your elf ass to hebra until you freeze to death

sue chef goro: so exile

Chapter Text

10:25

sidons shahp teefers

nerd: i hope everyone remembers that we have a meeting today with the king!

bitch: ah yes
bitch: the most exciting day of the month
bitch: a meeting with the ever excitable king rhoam

generic ethnic tough lady: will there be food

nerd: of course
nerd: lunch will be served after the meeting

generic ethnic tough lady: sweet

sue chef goro: im assuming link will stay for the whole meeting this time around

nerd: ill make sure i dont let the slate out of my sight

drug dealer: how does he keep stealing it from you if you have it on your person at all times

generic ethnic tough lady: bois like a fuckin mouse
generic ethnic tough lady: u dont hear him comin

bitch: dont make the joke i think youre about to make

generic ethnic tough lady: literally and figuratively

sue chef goro: goddesses above urbosa

generic ethnic tough lady: huehuehue

drug dealer: whats the meeting going to be about
drug dealer: if you know
drug dealer: sidon wants to come but im trying to talk him out of it

bitch: let the tyke come then hell learn how boring these really are

drug dealer: you have a point

nerd: yeah your brother is welcome to sit in and be bored out of his mind
nerd: maybe hell bite link a few times and provide some entertainment

sue chef goro: speaking of which where is he

nerd: doesnt have the slate so my guess is as good as yours

generic ethnic tough lady: probably hunting boars

nerd: dont

bitch: so when is the meeting so i know when to leave
bitch: i mean ill probably just leave now anyway

nerd: at noon, so about two hours

generic ethnic tough lady: dope

drug dealer: no

11:53

nerd: link
nerd: where
nerd: the
nerd: fuck

chef boyarlink: SHIT
chef boyarlink: I WAS OUT TAMING HORSES

nerd: where

chef boyarlink: uh

nerd: l i n k

chef boyarlink: near the serenne stable
chef boyarlink: i also tamed a deer

nerd: youll have to tame my fathers rage in three seconds if you dont get your scrawny ass back to the castle before the meeting starts

chef boyarlink: omw

Chapter Text

13:13

sidons shahp teefers

chef boyarlink: imagine if i died before calamity ganon struck

nerd: do you ever think before you speak

chef boyarlink: i dont speak outloud so yeah actually
chef boyarlink: i dont think before i type tho
chef boyarlink: bc thats for nerds

drug dealer: your roasts arent as good as mine

chef boyarlink: i would never take the role of roast queen my dear

drug dealer: you can become the roast king

chef boyarlink: nah i think ill stick with a jester

sue chef goro: nice try there miph

drug dealer: thanks daruk
drug dealer: maybe one day

nerd: back to the topic at hand
nerd: if you died the obvious solution is the shrine of resurrection

bitch: yeah but how long would that take
bitch: would he be back in time to fight the ghost pig

sue chef goro: i understand its a shrine dedicated to resurrecting people
sue chef goro: but revali has a point
sue chef goro: if its really bad it could take years

nerd: oh i hadnt thought of that

chef boyarlink: yo imagine sleeping for like three or four years

drug dealer: yo imagine calamity ganon destroying the world while youre sleeping for three or four years

chef boyarlink: you guys would totally have it under control

bitch: youre the only one that can use the master sword

chef boyarlink: its just a sword

nerd: its the fucking blade of fucking evils fucking bane you fucking twink

sue chef goro: brother dont upset the princess

chef boyarlink: dont worry she knows that if she does anything that would piss me off id stop getting her silent princess flowers

nerd: pls dont i love them

drug dealer: sigh

bitch: mipha its ok
bitch: wheres urbosa to make you feel better

generic ethnic tough lady changed her nickname to glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo

bitch: why is it loNGER

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: bc a little birdie told me to do it
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: eyyo miph if the elf thing doesnt work out ur free to marry me

chef boyarlink: what elf thing

drug dealer: urbosa you live in the desert
drug dealer: where theres no water

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: and
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: oh
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: right
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: ur a fish

Chapter Text

22:24

sidons shahp teefers

chef boyarlink: so i saw revali with another rito today

bitch: when the fuck were you in the village

chef boyarlink: a great magician never reveals his secrets
chef boyarlink: but i needed some cane sugar and i know you guys sell it for relatively cheap

drug dealer: why cane sugar

nerd: FRUITCAKE

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: i swear the more u go on about fruitcake the more worrisome it becomes

nerd: how so

bitch: it sounds like youre on drugs

drug dealer: theyre not from me
drug dealer: i cut her off weeks ago

chef boyarlink: so revali whos the lovely lady you were with today

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: wait what

sue chef goro: revali was with a woman

nerd: no it had to be like a really feminine male

bitch: it was not
bitch: she is a very nice young lady

chef boyarlink: so youre in a relationship with her

bitch: i might be

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: i cant imagine u in a relationship with anything that isnt a cactus

nerd: omg

bitch: unfortunately for you the only cacti in the country are in your desert and link saw me in the village so

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: could have easily moved a cactus
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: they can live in most climates bc water isnt necessary for em

drug dealer: a cactus and i wouldnt get along

nerd: in what context

bitch: listen the woman i was with is actually really nice
bitch: if i liked any of you id let you meet her

nerd: excuse me

bitch: no youre part of this whole conspiracy that shes not real too

nerd: because youre not the type that would get into a relationship willingly

sue chef goro: yeah you hate children youre always angry

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: everything is asinine to you

chef boyarlink: youre always a prick to anyone that isnt your reflection

drug dealer: and you dont even have a dick like what good are you for

nerd: mipha first of all
nerd: why do you know that
nerd: second of all
nerd: o u c h revali might need a fireproof elixir for that one

drug dealer: uh
drug dealer: A GREAT MAGICIAN NEVER REVEALS HER SECRETS

bitch: all of you can go die in a fire

sue chef goro: cant do that im immune

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: is there any other option besides burning

bitch: sure
bitch: perish

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: owo

Chapter Text

13:24

sidons shahp teefers

drug dealer: what is up my dudes :D

nerd: ???
nerd: mipha??

drug dealer: yes

nerd: are you feeling ok

drug dealer: just peachy my dear :)

chef boyarlink: omg

bitch: youre in a really good mood today mipha

drug dealer: thats my secret
drug dealer: im always in a good mood \^o^/

bitch: no
bitch: actually
bitch: youre always wanting to die

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: which to be fair is a mood

bitch: im not saying it isnt

chef boyarlink: im crying

nerd: what is going on with you

chef boyarlink: how did you even pull this off

drug dealer: not telling ;*

sue chef goro: ???
sue chef goro: i feel like this is some kind of trick
sue chef goro: and were about to fall face first into it

bitch: yeah link and mipha are being really sneaky for some reason

chef boyarlink: hey zel im borrowing the slate to go to the domain

nerd: you aRE NOT

13:41

nerd: welp
nerd: off he goes

15:12

drug dealer: omg
drug dealer: WHAT DID HE DO

nerd: what

drug dealer: sidon took my communicator while i was at a meeting with my father

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: thats why link was acting all suspicious

sue chef goro: and thats why you were acting all weird and happy

bitch: so weve been revealing our thoughts to your little brother for the past two hours

drug dealer: yes
drug dealer: did a shit job disguising himself as me

chef boyarlink: i mean i figured it out
chef boyarlink: what delicious blackmail

drug dealer: thats because im half convinced you two are in love and thats how you know him so well

nerd: oh my god

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: mipha going all out on anyone that tries to take link away from her

chef boyarlink: sidon says he has no comment

chef boyarlink: and im going to double his statement

nerd: what

drug dealer: how dare

chef boyarlink changed his nickname to mr zora prince

mr zora prince: he also says that youve never dealt drugs and that your nickname is dumb

drug dealer: IM GOING TO FRY HIM

Chapter Text

04:25

sidons shahp teefers

nerd: so i have a question

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: shoot

nerd: oh good youre awake bc its about you
nerd: why are your women rallying at the castle gates

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: oh uh
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: they may have taken a love potion

sue chef goro: excuse me a what

bitch: how the hell

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: your darling knight gave it to them

drug dealer: i want one

nerd: absolutely not
nerd: no one else is getting a love potion
nerd: theyve started fighting each other

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: might as well just let them take out their anger

bitch: theyre going to destroy everything
bitch: do you need help princess

nerd: no
nerd: ...i think

bitch: alright im on my way

sue chef goro: same

drug dealer: ill go if i get a potion

nerd: then dont come

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: where even is the man in question

bitch: honestly i would rather keep him away so that it doesnt get so chaotic

sue chef goro: thats saying it isnt already chaotic

nerd: well link isnt in the castle

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: well then where the hell

nerd: its 4 am where do you think

bitch: hunting boars

08:26

mr zora prince: women are scary
mr zora prince: i lost my pants
mr zora prince: i only have one shoe
mr zora prince: the shoe i lost while hunting but the gerudo stOLE my pants
mr zora prince: urbosa why do your women like me so much

nerd: youre the one that gave them potions

mr zora prince: what
mr zora prince: no i didnt

bitch: then who did if you didnt to cause this madness

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: well
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: you see

drug dealer: oh my god urbosa are you kidding

nerd: my father wants to have a word with you when you can link
nerd: and ill say something about you too urbosa
nerd: so you might want to start making your way to the castle

sue chef goro: uh oh

bitch: someones in troubleeeee

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: up the shut fuck featherboy

drug dealer changed bitch's nickname to featherboy

Chapter Text

17:56

sidons shahp teefers

mr zora prince added Sidon to the group

Sidon changed his nickname to zora prince

drug dealer: i think the fuck not

zora prince: no dearest sister D:

drug dealer removed zora prince from the group

mr zora prince: no my husband
mr zora prince: how d a r e you

nerd: i thought you loved me

drug dealer: excuse me

mr zora prince: i love a lot of people

featherboy: wow you guys need marriage counseling

sue chef goro: urbosa would make a great marriage counselor i think

nerd: honestly??? probably would

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: GUYS
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: GUYS I HAVE CUCCO MEAT

mr zora prince: what

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: I WAS WALKING BY A STABLE ON MY WAY TO THE CASTLE
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: AND THERE WAS A CUCCO SO I HIT IT

mr zora prince: why would you do that
mr zora prince: did it attack you

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: YES

featherboy: stop yelling

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: U STOP YELLING

featherboy: IM NOT EVEN YELLING

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: >;3

sue chef goro: man she has you wrapped around her finger

featherboy: i dont want to hear anything from a bunch of rocks with a face

sue chef goro changed his nickname to a bunch of rocks with a face

nerd: lmao what a name

drug dealer: link how did sidon get a communicator

mr zora prince: purah

nerd: of course

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: ANYWAY SO I STARTED GETTING ATTACKED BY THE COCKS

nerd: please be careful of how you word things

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: C O C K S
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: AND THEN I USED MY LIGHTNING AND GOT SOOOOO MUCH MEAT

a bunch of rocks with a face: oh my god

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: NO MORE SEAL
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: NO MORE FRUIT

nerd: you better still come to the castle
nerd: my father is still upset with you

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: do u think i can change his mind with some cucco meat

featherboy: i highly doubt that

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: fuck
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: at least my women will eat like champions

Chapter Text

10:26

sidons shahp teefers

nerd: ok so daruk
nerd: do you think you can bring a few gorons with you to the castle town for our sports day

a bunch of rocks with a face: oh dope
a bunch of rocks with a face: we can do some sumo wrestling

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: i can 100% bring my girls
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: theyre filled up with cucco wings and ready to do some of our own wrestling

mr zora prince: i knew the luminous clothing was for a reason

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: hehehe

drug dealer: zora martial arts is a sight to behold

nerd: bring em
nerd: the more the merrier

featherboy: rito base jumping
featherboy: the higher you can jump the better you are

drug dealer: that literally not fair bc you guys are birds
drug dealer: and you have a mastered control of air currents

featherboy: ok fuck you too karate fish

mr zora prince: what about us zel

nerd: we have the knight tournaments

mr zora prince: oh fuck no
mr zora prince: swinging a sword isnt a sport

nerd: well then you think of something you genius
nerd: until then ill start getting a knight tournament set up and let my father know

mr zora prince: fine

nerd: fine

mr zora prince: fine

nerd: fine

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: stfu

14:25

nerd: link is cancelled
nerd: the sports day is cancelled
nerd: fuck him

featherboy: what did he do

nerd: ask him when he gets here

drug dealer: is it that bad

nerd: fucking elf

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: how bad could it be

mr zora prince added zora prince to the group

drug dealer: for the last time
drug dealer: no

zora prince: here me out ;n;

drug dealer: you have lessons to go over

mr zora prince: let my husband stay

drug dealer: no

drug dealer removed zora prince from the group

a bunch of rocks with a face: is that the bad thing

nerd: no its worse

featherboy: what did he do

nerd: he talked to my father and now the hylians have a new sport for sports day

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: which is

mr zora prince: an eating contest

Chapter Text

12:52

sidons shahp teefers

mr zora prince added zora prince to the group

mr zora prince: now mipha before you @ us
mr zora prince: i feel its ok bc hes here with us

drug dealer: honestly im ok with it today

nerd: aye welcome to hell sidon

zora prince: what a warm welcome :D

featherboy: yeah well this place is really pretty hell

a bunch of rocks with a face: so who else is getting flirted with by rito

nerd: alright daruk im coming to get you

a bunch of rocks with a face: thanks princess

featherboy: whats the matter with the rito

a bunch of rocks with a face: i have a friend that tells me birds and rocks arent really compatible
a bunch of rocks with a face: if you knew anything about elements youd understand

featherboy: wow
featherboy: not sure whether to feel offended

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: thats ur answer

featherboy: tall hoe
featherboy: i already feel sick and i havent even seen your face yet

drug dealer: i could do better

mr zora prince: sidon and i are going exploring

drug dealer: sidon
drug dealer: just dont touch anything

zora prince: ;)

nerd: link come back in 10 minutes

mr zora prince: ;)

nerd: link

mr zora prince: yes princess

08:21

drug dealer: revali
drug dealer: have you noticed youre missing something

featherboy: ????
featherboy: am i

drug dealer: today the tall hoe tried insulting me again
drug dealer: i obviously was annoyed

featherboy: OH MY GOD SHUT UP

drug dealer: but i dont really mind her insults
drug dealer: i know she cares about me as much as the others
drug dealer: but i wont ever admit that i like them back
drug dealer: because i dont

featherboy: MIPHA

drug dealer: im getting a little tired of this acting

featherboy: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT

drug dealer: if you want your diary back i suggest coming to the domain
drug dealer: sidon brought it back with him

featherboy: FUCKING FISH BOY

featherboy removed zora prince from the group

nerd: he took your diary???
nerd: why did you leave it out for him to find it

featherboy: WHY DID HE SNOOP
featherboy: NO ONE TELL URBOSA
featherboy: DELETE ALL OF THIS

mr zora prince: too late

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: too late
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: ur a cute tsundere

featherboy: FUCK OFF

Chapter Text

01:25

sidons shahp teefers

a bunch of rocks with a face: so revali
a bunch of rocks with a face: youre basically a furry

featherboy: and as your username suggest

drug dealer: buncha rocks with a face

nerd: cmon lets not bully daruk

a bunch of rocks with a face: to be fair mipha is also a furry

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: can fish even be furries

a bunch of rocks with a face: why not

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: bc theyre fish????

nerd: im pretty sure fish are considered part of the community

featherboy: theres a community

mr zora prince: lets ask sidon

drug dealer: leTS NOT

mr zora prince added zora prince to the group

drug dealer: you know what
drug dealer: i dont even care anymore

zora prince: aw mipha :*

drug dealer: get your kiss face away from me

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: spoken like a true sister

nerd: you dont have any sisters

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: u see my beautiful bird
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: all of my women are my sisters
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: my girls are as much family as the boars are to link

mr zora prince: i resent that

zora prince: oh were talking about furries

drug dealer: sidon you shouldnt even know what those are

zora prince: thats where youre wrong dearest :)
zora prince: link has taught me a lot during the time weve spent together

drug dealer: link
drug dealer: what have you told my innocent brother

a bunch of rocks with a face: i dont think hes that innocent if its link teaching him anything

featherboy: youre giving elf boy over there too much credit
featherboy: kid probably doesnt even know how to read

mr zora prince: if i didnt know how to read things would be really awkward in this chat considering i have to read to respond

nerd: ouch he got you

drug dealer: seriously become roast king

mr zora prince: my title remains as jester

zora prince: wow sister youre that desperate

drug dealer: fuck off

mr zora prince: but to answer the inital question

zora prince: oh most definitely
zora prince: there are people that have… interesting fantasies about fish as well as mammals

drug dealer changed her nickname to not a furry

a bunch of rocks with a face: but you are

not a furry: stfu

Chapter Text

16:36

sidons shahp teefers

featherboy: sorry to bother everyone

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: no ur not

featherboy: alright im not but fuck you
featherboy: i need some help if someone is available
featherboy: link i think youd be best bc you can use zeldas slate

nerd: what happened

featherboy: daruk is riding a talus

mr zora prince: so get off why do you need me

a bunch of rocks with a face: its a frost talus
a bunch of rocks with a face: my feet are stuck

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: why is there a frost talus in the middle of lava central

mr zora prince: oh for the love of hylia

nerd: pray to someone else she always leaves me on voicemail

18:52

mr zora prince: so on my way to death mountain i stumbled across not one
mr zora prince: but tWO hinoxs

a bunch of rocks with a face: i thought you teleported

mr zora prince: ok just bc i teleported to your lava mountain doesnt mean i still dont have to walk to where you were
mr zora prince: i didnt even know yall had hinoxs up there

a bunch of rocks with a face: i didnt either
a bunch of rocks with a face: oh i forgot to mention there might be some lynels and octorocks scampering around

mr zora prince: yo fuck off

not a furry: this makes me glad we only have that shock lynel

zora prince: that lynel is the worst tho

not a furry: youre still here

zora prince: wow love you too

21:38

mr zora prince: daruk promise me you wont ever do that again

nerd: i have to heckin make another shIRT for him

a bunch of rocks with a face: oh make me another sash can you
a bunch of rocks with a face: sorry

featherboy: pfft

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: see while all of you have your talus and hinox and lynels
glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: we just have giant sand dinosaurs

nerd: im sorry what

glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo: big ole dinoboys

mr zora prince changed glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo's nickname to dinomama

dinomama: yes

dinomama renamed the group dinoland

featherboy: oh no

Chapter Text

07:25

dinoland

dinomama: zelda why do i have your white dress

nerd: my dress?

dinomama: the one you use for prayer

not a furry: i have a quiver of shock arrows and a bow
not a furry: and im not touching it but i know its revalis

a bunch of rocks with a face: urbosa i have your sword and shield

dinomama: wtf

a bunch of rocks with a face: theyre actually too small for me to use

featherboy: but shes huge

a bunch of rocks with a face: i know its weird

nerd: mipha your trident is in my room???
nerd: as well as a feather
nerd: revali did you do this????

featherboy: what the fuck no i didnt
featherboy: theres a huge puddle and a wet towel by my sleeping quarters so im assuming mipha did this

not a furry: fuck off
|not a furry: urbosa noble pursuit reeks

dinomama: ok wow how dare
dinomama: and daruk u have big ass feet

a bunch of rocks with a face: i think there was a paper from the castle but it might have burned to a crisp

nerd: fucking lava mountain

dinomama: so if it wasnt any of us then who did it

featherboy: where is link
featherboy: has the master sword been taken

nerd: i doubt it
nerd: only those chosen by the goddess can wield it
nerd: meaning i can if i have to kick his ass to next week

a bunch of rocks with a face: where even is he
a bunch of rocks with a face: everytime something goes bad he goes missing

dinomama: zel do u have the slate

nerd: …
nerd: oh my god
nerd: ill be right back

not a furry: she needs to glue that slate to her hands

featherboy: she needs to glue link down onto a chair

a bunch of rocks with a face: knowing him hed just leave with it

featherboy: ...alright then a giant rock

a bunch of rocks with a face: got plenty of those to spare
a bunch of rocks with a face: but the technical term is a boulder

11:17

mr zora prince: im sorry for taking your weapons and switching them around

nerd: and

mr zora prince: and im sorry for leaving false evidence

nerd: and

mr zora prince: and im sorry for using the slate for things other than important business
mr zora prince: again

nerd: aaaaand

mr zora prince: and im sorry but revali really is a stupid bird

featherboy: I WILL SMITE YOU

Chapter Text

17:32

dinoland

a bunch of rocks with a face: hey kink
a bunch of rocks with a face: i mean link
a bunch of rocks with a face: oh fuck

dinomama: K I N K

not a furry: daruk omg

a bunch of rocks with a face: i honestly didnt mean it

dinomama: obvs u didnt mean it but it happened and now its saved
dinomama: forever

mr zora prince: omg

mr zora prince changed his nickname to kink

kink: there we go

zora prince: whats a kink

not a furry: omG I FORGOT YOURE HERE

zora prince: yeah you never kicked me out last time

nerd: lmao mipha

featherboy: mipha youre fucked

not a furry: screw off pidgeon.

dinomama: oh wow an elusive period

not a furry: sidon ignore that word

featherboy: nah teach him
featherboy: better he learns now than never

not a furry: i will nOT

dinomama: a kink is a sexual taste

not a furry: urbosa i will bring a drought to your town

dinomama: ha id like to see u try

zora prince: sexual taste?

dinomama: yep
dinomama: like zelda probably likes getting tied up or something

nerd: i do not

dinomama: and that falls under bondage which is a type of kink

a bunch of rocks with a face: lmao im pretty sure miphas going to kill you

dinomama: listen the boy needs to learn all this eventually if hes going to be links husband
dinomama: pretty sure the twink likes getting bit so

kink: 100% do not
kink: and sidons teeth are extra painful

featherboy: im pretty sure mipha just went to drown herself

a bunch of rocks with a face: she cant drown shes a fish

nerd: fish can drown

a bunch of rocks with a face: that is news to me

zora prince: oh no
zora prince: oH NO

dinomama: i think i found her

featherboy: wow this is like our very first chat all over again
featherboy: but instead of zelda chasing link its mipha chasing sidon

kink: i was threatened that day
kink: within an inch of my life

nerd: you took the slate without me knowing

kink: and have done it multiple times since

zora prince: i have confiscated sidons slate

a bunch of rocks with a face: rip sidon

featherboy: we knew thee well

Chapter Text

19:37

dinoland

dinomama: zel is the elf ok
dinomama: ur father was kinda harsh

nerd: i actually dont know where he went??

a bunch of rocks with a face: he just vanished????

nerd: guess so

not a furry: i havent seen rhoam so angry before

featherboy: to be fair link has missed a fair amount of meetings
featherboy: and with the calamity getting ready to strike at any moment
featherboy: its crucial he doesnt miss any

a bunch of rocks with a face: maybe hes out hunting again
a bunch of rocks with a face: that apparently calms him down
a bunch of rocks with a face: and gets him away from a harem of ethnic women

dinomama: it was one time

nerd: remember how angry my father was then

dinomama: how could i forget
dinomama: he couldve melted all of hebra with all that hot anger
dinomama: its not as extreme now but his words hurt a little more i guess

a bunch of rocks with a face: yeah telling the poor kid that he doesnt care about everyone being at risk

featherboy: like its obvious he does or why else would he still be here with us
featherboy: pretty sure he would have set the master sword down and left if he wasnt serious

nerd: well now we have to find him

not a furry: does he have the slate

nerd: no
nerd: ...yes fuck

dinomama: alright yall get on ur beasts and grab ur telescopes we gotta twink to catch

a bunch of rocks with a face: yessir

featherboy: daruk buddy you cant keep responding to yall

a bunch of rocks with a face: sorry force of habit

00:18

featherboy sent a photo!

featherboy: exCUsE mEE??1!

nerd: how the fuck

not a furry: yknow thats a question id like answered

nerd: link
nerd: bud i know youre reading this chat how the fuck did you end up on medoh

a bunch of rocks with a face: literally humans cant even fly

dinomama: as another member of the human species
dinomama: can confirm
dinomama: have yet to master the art of flying

nerd: dont even joke urbosa

not a furry: link what the hell

nerd: link can you even get down

featherboy: probably not
featherboy: ill have to help him

a bunch of rocks with a face: how about we let the little man answer for himself

nerd: link

kink: just gotta have faith trust and pixie dust

nerd: what in the fuKC is pixie dust

Chapter Text

14:58

dinoland

nerd: mipha
nerd: mipha a zora messenger just told us youve gone missing

a bunch of rocks with a face: maybe shes hunting boars

featherboy: i dont think muzu would allow that

nerd: you right

kink: hunting boars is an art

nerd: you not right

dinomama: oh yall are looking for mipha

nerd: yeah

dinomama: shes in the desert

featherboy: how the heck

dinomama: u know how we have those canals

featherboy: no bc daruk link and i arent allowed inside your town

kink: i mean ive gotten some vai clothing and snuck in

dinomama: yeah he has
dinomama: well we have those canals that run above our town
dinomama: shes just chilling in one of them

nerd: im telling the messenger

dinomama: no hell take her away

a bunch of rocks with a face : why did you take her in the first place

dinomama: marraige

featherboy: to whO

dinomama: to me
dinomama: the best way to protect her is to marry her and keep her here

kink: you live in a desert and mipha is a fish

dinomama: we have the canals
dinomama: and the oasis down the road

kink: there are no roads

dinomama: across the dunes then bitch

nerd: please bring her back
nerd: her father will get worried

a bunch of rocks with a face : we dont want any issues with royal relationships

featherboy: knowing dorephan he could easily take miphas duties to ruta away

nerd: he actually cant so get fucked
nerd: the beasts chose their champions and thats their final word

kink: what the fuck is going on
kink: zelda give me the slate and ill go get her

nerd: no last time you got the slate you ended up on medoh

featherboy: still have no idea how you did that btw

kink: faith trust and pixie dust

nerd: i still dont know what thAT IS

dinomama: u wont take her away

kink: you wanna bet m8

16:26

dinomama: how does he do that

featherboy: do what

dinomama: sneak around like a woman but make it convincing

nerd: he looks like one what do you expect

not a furry: we didnt even get to exchange vows

nerd: mipha youre grounded

not a furry: thats fair

Chapter Text

18:53

dinoland

kink: yknow that weird prophecy tarp thing impa has

nerd: weird prophecy tarp thing
nerd: do you mean the actual art depicting the legend and prophecy of the calamity returning

kink: sure
kink: why the fuck do we look nothing like we actually do

featherboy: bud you do know what ancient history is right

kink: aw you called me bud

featherboy: i take it back

a bunch of rocks with a face: forreal tho they definitely didnt know what we would look like that long ago

nerd: now that i think about it
nerd: link why do you look irish

kink: what the fuck is irish

dinomama: oh u mean like an irish clogger or whatever theyre called

nerd: yeah exactly that

kink: what the f uc k yall talking about

not a furry: what is going on

nerd: link is an irish clogger

kink: i dont know whta that i s

featherboy: you need to get educated, pig lover

kink: akwwuasfhjsabfj???

a bunch of rocks with a face: at least they got the divine beasts somewhat right

dinomama: oh yes thank god my camel still looks like a camel on the tarp

kink: im gonna steal it

nerd: youre not going to do that
nerd: you cant just steal anything you want

kink: watch me

nerd: i swear to hylia

featherboy: i thought she ignores you

nerd: she doES

kink: im taking the slate

nerd: youre nOT

17:03

nerd: he did

20:36

not a furry: zelda
not a furry: my sweet
not a furry: stealer of my future husband

a bunch of rocks with a face: stealer of what

not a furry: of something not important
not a furry: soldiers from kakariko just dropped off a hylian to the domain

nerd: impa probably beat the shit out of him

not a furry: well he doesnt look too great

dinomama: is his shirt ripped up

not a furry: of course

nerd: hes going to fight the calamity naked i swear im running out of blue fabric

featherboy: are you gonna send people to get him

nerd: im debating it
nerd: he doesnt deserve my kindness

not a furry: i can keep him and return the slate

nerd: going to my soldiers now and telling them because mipha is going to violate that poor kid

not a furry: i am not!

featherboy: yes you will shut up

Chapter Text

14:29

dinoland

nerd: everyone choose a side in the fucking cake war

dinomama: not the skeleton war

nerd: fuck that shit
nerd: link doesnt appreciate fruitcake

featherboy: the horror

nerd: revali
nerd: ive got no beef with you today but youre coming close

a bunch of rocks with a face: man note to self dont mess with the princess when its about cake

featherboy: bud its been like that ever since she started this whole fruitcake addiction

kink: fruitcake sucks anyway
kink: carrot cake is where its at

not a furry: i agree with link

dinomama: thats because youre obsessed with him and want him to marry you

kink: what

dinomama: zelda as ur mother im supporting you 100%

nerd: thanks mom
nerd: daruk? revali? what about you guys?

featherboy: im not getting into this
featherboy: i couldnt give any less shits

nerd: traitor

a bunch of rocks with a face: we have this great thing called rock cake

kink: youre making that up

a bunch of rocks with a face: am not

featherboy: daruk none of us can even eat a rock

a bunch of rocks with a face: youre not trying hard enough

featherboy: im a bird i dont fucking have teeth

dinomama: grow some

nerd: grow some

featherboy: fuck both of you with a spice berry

dinomama: sounds hot

not a furry: nice one

dinomama: thanks
dinomama: ur still the enemy tho

a bunch of rocks with a face: how did all of this even start

nerd: link went into the kitchen to make me a fruitcake since hes really good at the whole cooking and baking thing

not a furry: you are

kink: if this champion thing doesnt work out id make a mean house spouse

nerd: AND HE comes out with a carrot cake instead and said he made something bettER

kink: carrot cake is better than fruitcake

nerd: it fucking isnt

featherboy: you guys swear youre not married yet
featherboy: because ive seen married rito talk about things like this
featherboy: its disgusting

nerd: link were married now so i can diVORCe you

kink: thats fine with me

featherboy: youre all freaks and i hate you

dinomama: yo can i get some of that cake

zora prince: miph what about monster cake

not a furry: fucK OFF

Chapter Text

23:24

dinoland

dinomama sent a photo!

dinomama: oh no
dinomama: oh shit
dinomama: oh fuck

nerd: U R B O S A

dinomama: i fuckED UP

a bunch of rocks with a face: damnnnnn urbosa

dinomama: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND AVERT YOUR EYES YOU ROCK LICKER

zora prince: oh my

not a furry: SIDON NO
not a furry: HOW DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK HERE

dinomama: THIS ISNT FOR CHILDRENS EYES

kink: who is that even for

dinomama: no one i wanted to send a picture of a sandseal and my finger slipped

nerd: is that the real story

dinomama: zelda would i fuckin lie about this

a bunch of rocks with a face: well

dinomama: is your name zelda
dinomama: didnt think so
dinomama: shut the hell up

nerd: well
nerd: yes

dinomama: betrayed by my owN FLESH AND BLOOD

kink: i will give you the benefit of the doubt that no woman can pull of an 8-pack better than you can

dinomama: thats actually really nice thank you
dinomama: but it doesnt help

not a furry: where is revali

nerd: thats
nerd: actually a really good question where is he

dinomama: considering the nature of this convo
dinomama: id rather not know

a bunch of rocks with a face: so you wouldnt be concerned if hes jacking off to your nude

dinomama: first of all as mipha once explained birds dont have dicks

not a furry: which is true zelda back me up
not a furry: you man stealer

nerd: its true but that is uncalled for
nerd: link sleeps in the stables because of the carrot cake fiasco

kink: very true

zora prince: carrot cake is better tho

not a furry: were not having this argument again and you should be out of this chat becasue its not safe for your pure eyeballs

a bunch of rocks with a face: he knew what furries were

not a furry: and i wonder why that is

kink: hehehe

featherboy: what are yall scrabbling about
featherboy: …
featherboy: oh

dinomama: i wanna D I E

Chapter Text

16:47

dinoland

featherboy: i stg someone needs to take any type of elemental or explosive arrows away from link

nerd: what did he do now

a bunch of rocks with a face: how much longer until youre out of blue fabric for our champion pieces

nerd: depending on the situation i could be out of them at this very moment
nerd: what did he do

dinomama: based on the conversation im gonna assume he set everything on fire
dinomama: including himself

featherboy: and the winner is urbosa

dinomama: fuck yeah

featherboy: your prize is a knuckle sandwich

dinomama: fuck you

nerd: whY is he setting himself on fiRE?

kink: it was an accident

nerd: oh yeah

kink: listen you play with fire arrows and dont set yourself on fire

not a furry: literally no one else would set themselves on fire because we have that little thing in our brain that tells us when to stop

featherboy: bold of you to assume he has a brain

kink: bold of you to assume i have a brain

dinomama: pfft

a bunch of rocks with a face: you guys are way too similar to be healthy

featherboy: daruk imma need you to shut the hell up

a bunch of rocks with a face: duly noted

nerd: so link
nerd: you fire arrowed all your clothes off

kink: by accident

nerd: by accident

kink: something tells me you dont believe me

dinomama: well considering that u have been known to do the most bizarre things its not too much of a stretch

not a furry: must i remind you of the time you tried to steal impas tarp and got thrown into the domain

kink: that was last week

not a furry: my point stands

featherboy: boar hunting

kink: ok i get hungry at night and the cooks are asleep

nerd: you literally cook better than the cooks

a bunch of rocks with a face: yeah and its somehow shocking that you set yourself on fire

kink: yeah

kink: because i  was looking forward to facing calamity ganon in my underwear with nothing more than fire arrows and fire weapons along with a thirst for arson

featherboy: coulda fooled us

Chapter Text

13:26

dinoland

kink: fuckibg
kink: who gave revali a lynel mask

nerd: did revali prank you with said mask

kink: it was YOU

nerd: it wasNT ME

kink: you responded so damn quickly

a bunch of rocks with a face: just because someone responds quickly doesnt mean they did it

kink: so you did it

a bunch of rocks with a face: ffs

nerd: i cant believe you would accuse me first
nerd: i thought we were married

not a furry: what

dinomama: yall are so insensitive

kink: what do u mean

dinomama: to mipha

kink: ??

dinomama: omg
dinomama: ud struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel

featherboy: fucking ouch urbosa

a bunch of rocks with a face: shes learning her roasts from mipha
a bunch of rocks with a face: usually its the daughter that learns from the mother not the other way around

kink: BACK TO THE MASK
kink: revali who gave it to you

featherboy: im not fucking telling you
featherboy: i aint no snitch

kink: you can only get one from kilton
kink: but i doubt hed just give you one

nerd: why not

kink: no one would give anything to revali for free and hes too proud to pay for anything

featherboy: not true

kink changed his nickname to fuck u bird

fuck u bird: tell me

not a furry changed her nickname to lynels bitch

lynels bitch: it was me

a bunch of rocks with a face: what

lynels bitch: honestly if i didnt tell them theyd keep arguing until ganon woke up

nerd: if he ever wakes up

lynels bitch: oh he will

dinomama: thats unnerving

featherboy: CHANGE UR NAME

fuck u bird: NEVER BIRD BITCH

Chapter Text

dinoland

18:42

fuck u bird sent a photo!

fuck u bird: guys

fuck u bird sent a photo!

fuck u bird: look at my new buddy

nerd: link where did you get a wolf

fuck u bird sent a photo!

fuck u bird: i found him in the forest

featherboy: why are you picking up wild animals in the woods

nerd: why were you in the woods

dinomama: hunting boars

lynels bitch: hunting wolves is more probable

fuck u bird: i l o v e h i m

featherboy: just bc you love him doesnt mean you can just adopt a wOLF

fuck u bird: listen birdbrain
fuck u bird: i know we dont get along and that i let you get away with insulting me on a regular basis

nerd: your nickname insults him

fuck u bird: thats literally besides the point

fuck u bird sent a photo!

fuck u bird: but mido is a pure boy too good for this world and i will protect him

lynels bitch: you named it mido

dinomama: hey zel

nerd: yes mom

dinomama: isnt there a prick in legend named mido

nerd: yeah
nerd: real asshole of a forest kid
nerd: his stories got told down through generations

fuck u bird: generations

nerd: yeah he was a kokiri and they didn’t die so he did a lot of stupid shit

dinomama: isnt there a section of the woods dedicated to him too

nerd: yeah the swamp bc he sucked

featherboy: where is daruk

dinomama: now that u mention it
dinomama: where is the big man

lynels bitch: isn’t he afraid of dogs

fuck u bird sent a photo!

fuck u bird: oops

nerd: you have been torturing daruk this whole time

fuck u bird: the guy is a huge piece of rock

featherboy: he was scared as a child you nitwit

fuck u bird: and that’s my fault

nerd: daruk?

a bunch of rocks with a face: GET IT AWAY

Chapter Text

dinoland

12:26

nerd: ok so like
nerd: hearing the gerudo talk about sex so openLY is fascinating

dinomama: fun fact hylians are vv shy and closeted about basic functions of the body
dinomama: sex should be celebrated!!!!!!

a bunch of rocks with a face: oh hell yeah preach it

featherboy: gorons………. have sex???????????

a bunch of rocks with a face: how do you think we repopulate

fuck u bird: honestly i thought yall came from rocks

a bunch of rocks with a face: just because were made of rocks doesnt mean we come from them

nerd: goron birth sounds painful

dinomama: i dont think we have a class for that

a bunch of rocks with a face: i wouldnt want to attend it anyway

fuck u bird: you cant since youre not allowed in the town

a bunch of rocks with a face: shit u rite

nerd: im sure there are hylians that are open about their private lives

featherboy: theyre few and far inbetween tho

fuck u bird: remember revalis fake gf

featherboy: shes rEAL

a bunch of rocks with a face: whats her name then

featherboy: im not saying in the gc bc link will stalk her and harass her

dinomama: so shes fake

fuck u bird: no he has a point
fuck u bird: id try to get her to spill why she hung out with such a loser

nerd: ouch revali
nerd: do u want a cold darner for that burn

featherboy: fuck u
featherboy: princess

a bunch of rocks with a face: hey wheres mipha

nerd: yeah she usually pipes in with a roast or something
nerd: links arent that good

fuck u bird: hey

nerd: omg

dinomama: oh no

nerd: some old gerudo lady started spitting rhetoric about how sex will not allow us to ascend to the heavens

dinomama: yeah shes a crazy one everyone tries to avoid her

lynels bitch: yeah she has no idea what shes talking about

nerd: mipha????

fuck u bird: wtf

a bunch of rocks with a face: how long have you been there

lynels bitch: since the beginning

featherboy: urbosa did u know

dinomama: lmao
dinomama: if u dont think i dont know where all my children are

nerd: we are your only children

dinomama: and i know where both yall are
dinomama: always

featherboy: thats creepy

dinomama: not as creepy as making up a girlfriend

featherboy: shes rEAL

nerd: mipha where are you

lynels bitch: in the canals
lynels bitch: these hydromelons are great

dinomama: im gonna call the guards on this woman

nerd: there about to be a fight

Chapter Text

dinoland

17:51

a bunch of rocks with a face: ok so question

featherboy: for who

a bunch of rocks with a face: the elf

fuck u bird: why must you betray me like this

a bunch of rocks with a face: i do it out of nothing but pure brotherhood
a bunch of rocks with a face: but anyway
a bunch of rocks with a face: how the heck do you eat so much

fuck u bird: lmao im a reverse gust jar

nerd: actually
nerd: thats a great question
nerd: you eat a lot

fuck u bird: i eat a normal amount

a bunch of rocks with a face: you have eaten a whole bird in front of me
a bunch of rocks with a face: and yes
a bunch of rocks with a face: it was on fire

dinomama: lmao answered my question before i even asked it

lynels bitch: and youre so slim too like where does it go

nerd: yeah i have to watch what i eat meanwhile hes over here scarfing everything down

fuck u bird: ur diet consists mostly of fruitcake

nerd: no proof

dinomama: literally if you go back in this chat there is proof u need an intervention

fuck u bird: carrot cake is better anyway

nerd: akjfjhsilu

a bunch of rocks with a face: what if his stomach leads into the sacred realm

lynels bitch: lmao the goddesses just be chillin and then all of a sudden a burning bird lands on their head

featherboy: “where the fuck did this apple come from”

a bunch of rocks with a face: lmao hylia goes to check the triforce and its just surROUNDED by apples

nerd: hylia pulls at her hair
nerd: “how the fuCK”

fuck u bird: i dont eat that many apples

lynels bitch: you eat a lot of everything we just happened to pick apples ok

fuck u bird: why do you guys hate me

featherboy: various reasons

fuck u bird: other than you

dinomama: what if thats why the dragons appeared

a bunch of rocks with a face: lmao they were sick and tired of all the apples showing up in they space

fuck u bird: i wasnt even alive when the dragons came

featherboy: they felt you coming

dinomama: “ah fuck that heros gonna be born and hes gonna send down apples through his stomach”

fuck u bird: i hate u guys

nerd renamed the group triforce of apples

Chapter Text

triforce of apples

19:24

dinomama: link
dinomama: u got some splainin to do

fuck u bird: what do i have to splain

dinomama: why were u hanging out with uleti today 

nerd: uleti

lynels bitch: whos uleti

featherboy: why does it sound like a feminine name

dinomama: bc it is
dinomama: shes a gerudo

nerd: WHAT

fuck u bird: it wasnt anything serious

zora prince changed his nickname to heartbroken

a bunch of rocks with a face: omfg sidon i forgot you were here

heartbroken: congrats link mipha has just shut down entirely
heartbroken: and so have i

fuck u bird: what did i do

featherboy: youre so insensitive

fuck u bird: h o w

nerd: im gonna punch u with fruitcake

fuck u bird: u would never
fuck u bird: zel
fuck u bird: shit

featherboy: is mipha gonna be ok sidon
featherboy: sidon
featherboy: ffs
featherboy: everyone in this chat is a fucking disaster

dinomama: listen my sweet bird and my sweet fish children

a bunch of rocks with a face: sidon is your third child

dinomama: hush rock face

a bunch of rocks with a face changed his nickname to rock face

rock face: r00d

dinomama: my sweet sweet legitimate children that i birthed

featherboy: didnt do that

dinomama: revali i will shove a stick into ur beak
dinomama: the elf isnt worth it
dinomama: u really wanna spend the rest of ur lives worrying whenever he goes and hunts boars at 4 am
dinomama: u really wanna keep making clothes for him since he gets them ruined
dinomama: u really wanna have to grow an entire apple orchard to appease his appetite

nerd: YES

dinomama: ……..
dinomama: well then ur priorities are clearly skewed

featherboy: sidon??? Mipha??????

rock face: link killed the zora royal family
rock face: dorephan is weeping as wek speak

featherboy: dont even joke daruk

dinomama: these three need to learn there are other fish in the sea besides link

featherboy: so many other fish

Chapter Text

triforce of apples

03:25

featherboy: hey urbosa

dinomama: whatchu want boiii

featherboy: please never say that to me again
featherboy: also how did i know youd be awake

dinomama: lmao

featherboy: i um
featherboy: found your diary in the village?
featherboy: idk how it got here

dinomama: ……..
dinomama: did u read it

featherboy: yeah
featherboy: i thought i would be able to use something against you
featherboy: now im just kinda sad

dinomama: yeah

featherboy: you loved her didnt you

dinomama: goddesses did i
dinomama: the most important person in my life
dinomama: i miss her every damn day

featherboy: you talked about zel a lot too

dinomama: her mother left her to me
dinomama: i want that girl to succeed in everything she wants to
dinomama: not just what everyone else expects her to do
dinomama: but whatever she wants in her life

featherboy: including love

dinomama: theyre so blind revali

featherboy: oh no i agree 100%
featherboy: im pretty sure everyone except mipha ships them at this point

dinomama: i want her to know shes able to open up ya know
dinomama: she didnt cry at the funeral bc its so ingrained in her head that she has to be this stoic fuckin princess
dinomama: listen i get it hylians are stuffy and uptight but youre a child so you should be able to live like one

featherboy: i think this is the first time weve actually had a proper conversation like this
featherboy: i feel differently about you

dinomama: yeah
dinomama: never thought youd listen

featherboy: i wouldnt ever laugh at you about this
featherboy: im an asshole but losing someone you love isnt something to laugh about

dinomama: thanks birdbrain

featherboy: ill return your diary first thing in the morning

dinomama: :)

08:38

nerd: guys im crying at the breakfast table ilysm

Chapter Text

triforce of apples

16:37

fuck u bird: i swear on the fuckin lake itself

rock face: which lake

featherboy: theres a lot of lakes

fuck u bird: fuckign
fuck u bird: jarrah
fuck u bird: lake jarrah

dinomama: where the fuck is that

fuck u bird: by hateno village

lynels bitch: of all the lakes in hyrule
lynels bitch: you chose one no one knows

featherboy: lake hylia exists

lynels bitch: the reservoir lakes

rock face: darunia lake

dinomama: i live in the desert so i have nothing to contribute

fuck u bird: FORGET ABOUT THE LAKES
fuck u bird: who gave zelda a lynel mask
fuck u bird: mipha
fuck u bird: youre the one that did it last time

lynels bitch: omg that was so funny

featherboy: ur name still reflects that time

lynels bitch: hell yeah
lynels bitch: but no it wasnt me this time

rock face: have you tried asking zelda

fuck u bird: what an idea
fuck u bird: why would she tell me

dinomama: im sensing some animosity

fuck u bird: yeah well i dont like lynels

featherboy: they clearly dont like you

fuck u bird: revali
fuck u bird: i have no recent beef with u dont test me

dinomama: lmao recent beef

nerd: heuhueuheu

fuck u bird: screw you

nerd: cool telling the minister you said that

fuck u bird: hes balding and i remind him every day hes scared of me

rock face: i think this might be the beginning of the next hyrulean civil war

Chapter Text

triforce of apples

13:15

fuck u bird renamed the group cookin with link episode 2

featherboy: oh no

fuck u bird changed his nickname to roast king

lynels bitch: !!!!!!

roast king: hi welcum 2 chilis

dinomama: hehe cum

featherboy: shut the fuck up

dinomama: i thought we were friends

featherboy: we are

roast king: on todays menu

lynels bitch: oh its this again

rock face: oh hell yeah food time

roast king: roasted meals

featherboy: so thats why youre roast king

dinomama: sorry miph

roast king: roast boar
roast king: hunt in the forest for some boars and put em on a fire
roast king: roast potatoes
roast king: grow some potatoes and put em on a fire

dinomama: grow some potatoes

roast king: roast bird

featherboy: hey

lynels bitch: we covered that already its called a roast bitch

rock face: one rito champion and one fire arrow

roast king: …….shit u rite

dinomama: im stealing u link

rock face: ive been working on new non rock recipes

featherboy: no one wants to eat charred food daruk

rock face: ok nevermind

dinomama: gonna send my best guards

lynels bitch: take sidon with you
lynels bitch: last time link did this he wouldnt leave me alone and kept an apple in his mouth for a week

roast king: hes got a big mouth

lynels bitch: i know

dinomama: wheres zelda

nerd: youcalled

featherboy: yeah did link take over the kitchen again

nerd: nothekitchengotdestroyedremember

dinomama: zel?

nerd: sorryimademonstercake
nerd: recommendedsugaristwocups
nerd: butiputinsix

dinomama: what the fuck zelda

featherboy: youre going to get diabetes

nerd: thatsthegoal
nerd: imhereforagoodtimenotalongtime

nerd changed her nickname to princesszeldathemasterchef

roast king: im gonna go calm her down

princesszeldathemasterchef: icantfeelmytoes

featherboy: hurry

Chapter Text

cookin with link episode 2

16:15

princesszeldathemasterchef: my father made a quiz

dinomama: what does that mean

princesszeldathemasterchef: it means he got bored and literally made a grade school test for us
princesszeldathemasterchef: im not taking it bc i dont want to prove to him how actually dumb i am

featherboy: thats awfully truthful

princesszeldathemasterchef: bc im tired of lying to myself

roast king: this is punishment for the monster cake fiasco

princesszeldathemasterchef: the monster cake fiasco is the number one reason i shouldnt be allowed in the kitchen
princesszeldathemasterchef: anyway QUESTION 1
princesszeldathemasterchef: where is divine beast vah rudania located
princesszeldathemasterchef: is he serious

rock face: death mountain

princesszeldathemasterchef: correct QUESTION 2
princesszeldathemasterchef: what is king rhoams full name
princesszeldathemasterchef: if any of you get this ill be surprised

roast king: king rhoam bosphoramus hyrule

featherboy: what the fuck

dinomama: why do you know that

roast king: appointed knight of the princess

lynels bitch: oh right

princesszeldathemasterchef: correct QUESTION 3
princesszeldathemasterchef: what animals do the divine beasts represent

lynels bitch: camel eagle lizard elephant

featherboy: why did you put yours last

lynels bitch: ……
lynels bitch: bc i forgot

roast king: omg

princesszeldathemasterchef: correct QUESTION 4
princesszeldathemasterchef: what is the name of the beast on satori mountain

featherboy: lord of the mountain
featherboy: i used to fly by as a boy and look at it when it glowed

princesszeldathemasterchef: correct QUESTION 5

dinomama: aw revali that was cute

featherboy: shut the hell ur mouth

princesszeldathemasterchef: what is the name of my favorite flower

roast king: silent princess
roast king: which yOU KEEP PICKING AND THEYRE ENDANGERED

princesszeldathemasterchef: correct shut up QUESTION 6

rock face: how many questions are there

princesszeldathemasterchef: which clan is found in the desert and is known to be fond of bananas

dinomama: the gerudo

roast king: the yiga

dinomama: fuck

featherboy: dont u look fucking smart

dinomama: go peck a tree

featherboy: im not a woodpecker

rock face changed featherboy’s nickname to woodpecker

woodpecker: i hate this chat

Chapter Text

cookin with link episode 2

23:37

roast king: so after today we can all agree that guardians are fuckin dangerous

woodpecker: i feel like we definitely dont know enough about it
woodpecker: did you see that laser
woodpecker: that could kill us in one shot

dinomama: as much as i support the royal family i have to agree
dinomama: this tech is too advanced for plebs like us

princesszeldathemasterchef: its not that bad
princesszeldathemasterchef: you guys are just thinking about the negatives rather than the positives

lynels bitch: oh im sorry we dont have death wishes like u do

rock face: i wouldnt want to be killed by a giant robot spider

woodpecker: i thought you were more afraid of dogs

rock face: have you seen spiders
rock face: id rather burn my cave and i cant even burn rock
rock face: id probably just jump into the lava

dinomama: cant gorons withstand the heat of lava

rock face: id die eventually

roast king: a death by choice rather than shot by something meant to protect us

princesszeldathemasterchef: the guardians do protect us
princesszeldathemasterchef: there was just a malfunction today

woodpecker: and what if theres a malfunction on the day calamity ganon returns
woodpecker: zelda i respect you but there arent many sheikah here that can explain all of this

lynels bitch: revali is right
lynels bitch: we still have to learn how to properly pilot our beasts and now we have to worry about guardians

princesszeldathemasterchef: you guys are just cowards

roast king: youre just too obsessed about them to see the other side of the conversation

dinomama: boy that may just be the smartest thing youve ever said

woodpecker: but hes right

woodpecker changed princesszeldathemasterchef’s nickname to weeb

weeb: i dont even know what that means

roast king: zelda wheres the slate

weeb: i dont even know what that is

roast king: ffs
roast king: how and when did you even take it

weeb: idk what youre talking about

rock face: this is why ive always said to not insult the princess

weeb: you cant run away from meetings if you have no availability to do so

roast king: if you werent the princess id have a few choice words for you

weeb: love you too loser

woodpecker: gross

03:21

dinomama: lmao how did the slate get into my bedroom
dinomama: zel how did you manage

weeb: sheikah

dinomama: ah yes of course

weeb: he cant go into gerudo town so its safe there

dinomama: u do realize that he has a vai outfit and we know he sneaks in here right

weeb: ….

dinomama: like its not a secret to anybody

weeb: i may have forgotten
weeb: hell be there in the morning

Chapter Text

cookin with link episode 2

16:29

dinomama: that meeting was probably the worst of the bunch
dinomama: like zel is ur father ok

weeb: absolutely he is not
weeb: hes becoming more erratic as the calamitys threat looms closer

roast king: he yelled at zelda the other day about burning the kitchen

rock face: that was weeks ago

weeb: hes lost all concept of time at this point

woodpecker: good old king rhoam

dinomama: see if only we could have the meetings at like the domain

lynels bitch: revali would get shot down by the shock lynel

roast king: and king dorephan would just go on for ages about how he fears the divine beast

dinomama: rito village

rock face: i cant swim if i break those bridges

dinomama: goron city will set links hair on fire again and the bois cant go into gerudo town

roast king: i can

dinomama: ur not a boy ur a goblin twink

roast king: yknow i am supposed to save the country when the calamity hits and i may start becoming very specific on who i save

dinomama: o great goblin twink messenger of the golden three please save my life for me

woodpecker: thats fuckin weird

weeb: besides father has good intentions and hes the one that was in charge of the excavations so

lynels bitch: and hes all of our king regardless of our respective rulers

woodpecker: mipha youre being awful quiet today

lynels bitch: im doing something

rock face: probably something sidon related

roast king: him and those sharp teeth man

weeb added snappy to the chat

woodpecker: what

lynels bitch: NOPE

roast king: RUN

woodpecker: whos snappy

snappy: geez
snappy: i promise i wont make anything explode ok
snappy: that was one time

roast king: one time my ass it was half the training yard
roast king: the armory still has scorch marks

woodpecker: wait snappy is purah

snappy: hi parrot

woodpecker: do i look like

weeb: i just really wanted to up their spirits after the meeting

snappy: your father is a tough cookie

weeb: more like a crumbling cookie

woodpecker: did daruk and urbosa just leave at the mention of purahs name

snappy: oh haha
snappy: i might have sent some inventions to both their towns and didnt account for the intense heat

woodpecker: so they exploded

snappy: pretty much yeah

woodpecker: have you make anything that hasnt exploded

snappy: nope!
snappy: do you want me to send you something

woodpecker: absolutely not i have everything i could ever need

Chapter Text

cookin with link episode 2

01:24

dinomama: yknow what i could really go for
dinomama: some seafood fried rice

woodpecker: so make some

dinomama: i would like to take this moment to remind our dearest bird friend
dinomama: that i live in a desert
dinomama: the only food we have here is hydromelons

roast king: that is absolutely not true you have a whole ass marketplace

dinomama: no where in that marketplace sells fish
dinomama: we have jewelry we have arrows and mushrooms and goddessdamned hyrdomelons

lynels bitch: what is wrong with hydromelons theyre delicious

dinomama: oh dearest mipha
dinomama: imagine eating hearty snails every single day

roast king: you do not eat hydromelons every day
roast king: there are merchants that visit every single day to sell wheat and rice and mushrooms

dinomama: but i cant cook

woodpecker: that sounds like a personal problem

dinomama: i didnt fuckin ask you

woodpecker: youre the one coming in a public group chat to whine about being hungry

dinomama: its not public

roast king: i am amazed daruk and zelda havent woken up

lynels bitch: im sure theyve turned off their communicators at night since someone always goes into the forest to hunt boars

roast king: i havent been hunting boars for a while now

woodpecker: doesnt mean you wont do it

lynels bitch: why are we always the ones that have a shitty sleep schedule

dinomama: because i spend my nights dreaming about links cooking

roast king: ill fucking come down to gerudo town and cook for you

woodpecker: you cant get in

roast king: get it through your thick skull that i sneak in with a vai outfit and have been doing it for months

woodpecker: i ignore a lot of what you say