Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rain poured down from the sky for so many days that Erwin forgot what the sky looked like before it had started. A blanket of clouds hung over the city and drenched streets and buildings without mercy. The tops of skyscrapers disappeared, swallowed by air so thick it had taken physical form. Erwin stopped looking at it, the featureless, blank nothingness hitting too close to home.

He went through the motions at work. Tasks that had once been challenging had become tedious. Deadlines that had provided excitement only brought dread. Plodding along, the same as always, once again, finally nearing the week’s end. Hours stretched painfully as he sat at his desk. Every meeting, every coworker a vampire sucking attention from him, pulling his head into the dense haze that consumed the city as the relentless rain sounded on the windows. Perhaps nothing existed beyond him and the small circle of light the computer screen cast. Perhaps the others were nothing but animated figures wearing unreadable masks. Perhaps this was all just a pathetic, melodramatic fantasy.

By the end of the day Erwin’s eyes ached and he felt a headache starting to build. There was still far too much work to do and nowhere near enough time to do it. Even worse, he felt no desire to see it finished. He looked at the clock at the corner of his monitor- 7 pm. It was difficult to justify spending any longer at work when he knew he’d just be wasting time. Giving himself a headache. Listening to the rain. Turning off the computer, he gathered his things and thought about asking someone to grab a drink with him. It might distract him from this mood.

Erwin exited his corner office and looked around the cube farm. No one was there, computers asleep, desk lights switched off in each space. It wasn’t particularly unexpected. Most people had better places to be on a Friday night. Most people weren’t cursed with the same kind of freedom. He left work, deciding to grab a quick drink at a sports bar nearby. There would be plenty of people there, watching television, their fingers occupied by greasy onion rings as they threw back weak light beers.

He was right- the bar was lively already with chatter from people and screens. Televisions flashed commercials and sports commentators. Football statistics, svelte black sports cars driving through impossibly dramatic landscapes, replays of the last moments of a particularly spectacular catch, medications for sleep, depression, erectile dysfunction. Bright, enticing shots fooling no one.

Erwin walked up to the bar and ordered a beer from the pretty young bartender with a too-wide smile. When it arrived he took a sip, eyes scanning the bar for something. He didn’t recognize anyone tonight, though he’d often seen coworkers here before. It felt strange to be drinking alone, outside of his apartment. Erwin finished his piss-weak beer in silence and quickly ordered a refill. The television above the bar extolled the virtues of at-home workout equipment. Erwin drank and ordered another beer. The man sitting next to him slammed down a half-finished shot, spilling the rest over the bar. The spreading pool of liquor on the lacquered counter seemed much farther away than it was. It existed in another plane. Erwin drank. It was hard to breathe in and out, over and over. Harder than he’d remembered it being. So, Erwin drank.

He left the bar with a head full of pounding fog. The rain poured down. Streetlights cast their mercury vapor blue in round, blurred circles down the length of sidewalk. He walked between them, thinking idly how the space outside their circles held such a tenuous connection to reality. If he stayed here, without moving into the next light, would he also cease to exist? He shook his head, trying to clear the unpleasant thoughts brought on by alcohol, by the night, by the godforsaken rain.

A few blocks down he paused under the train tracks. Rain dripped from rusted beams and curling paint, pooling, dirty, in the gravel around decaying abutments. Something was different here. The neon lights of a familiar pawn shop blinked erratically, but next-door was something unfamiliar. A door, one he hadn’t recalled seeing each day as he walked the same way to the station, stood between the pawn shop and the boarded up mobile phone store. It was narrow, forcing itself into existence uncomfortably between entryways squeezing in on either side. Erwin was intrigued and drunk enough to push at the door. It yielded. He stepped inside.

On the other side of the door was the cramped entry hall of a bar. Erwin almost turned around immediately to leave, having had enough drinking for one night. Instead, he paused. Maybe it was the mystery of seeing the door in the first place, its obtrusion into the usual. Maybe it was simple curiosity. Maybe it was something more, a feeling he couldn’t put his finger on. Whatever the reason, Erwin did not leave.

It was dim, and reminded him more of a library than a watering hole. As he entered, a prickling feeling passed over the nape of his neck. It was quiet, the few patrons speaking in a muted hush or not at all. The establishment was small, neither cramped nor empty, an odd contradiction in itself. As Erwin looked around, he found it difficult to place exactly how many huddled figures were spread around within, the lack of bright light making it difficult to distinguish shadows from shapes. Their forms were dark, somewhat indistinct, probably just the booze messing with his head- he’d certainly drank too much already. The air was slightly warm but not humid, instead it seemed to crackle faintly with some undercurrent of energy. It felt strange, thick, too heavy, and the quality of the low light was odd: too purple. As Erwin approached the bar his mind grasped at a thought- it felt ancient.

He swung himself onto a stool in the middle of the bar and peered around, searching for a bartender. In a moment, he found what he was looking for and felt grateful that the man was likely too far away to see the brief change in his expression. Erwin schooled his face from its surprised interest to something more neutral. The small man near the far end of the bar made brief eye contact, acknowledging his presence before turning his back to finish mixing a drink. Erwin appraised him, taking his time now that he wasn’t being watched. He was small in stature but his movements were practiced and precise, as though he had an innate sense of exactly how his body occupied space. Graceful wasn’t quite the right word, too feminine. This man was decidedly masculine- compact, muscular in a solid way even from a distance, with broad shoulders and narrow hips. He wore all black; his hair was black, cut in a harsh straight line and shaved close on his neck. Such a pale neck. If not for the paleness of his skin he would disappear in the dim light entirely. Instead he seemed almost ghostly, a silent specter of fluid movement behind the bar. Entrancing with his practiced ease, stirring animalistic desires Erwin thought had abandoned him entirely.

The man turned towards him and approached. As he got closer Erwin could see his features. He saw sharp, thin eyebrows, grey eyes surrounded by tired shadows and lines, combining to form a severe expression. His face wasn’t handsome in the conventional sense- too feline with a small nose and pointed chin. Yet, Erwin found him striking- beautiful, even. The man’s face suited his uncanny style and intriguing motion, the overall effect making Erwin’s heart speed in his chest.

“What’ll it be?” The bartender’s voice was flat. It was deeper than expected. Erwin blinked, realizing he’d been staring at the stranger’s mouth.

“Liquor, whatever you recommend. Two fingers, with ice.” The order was generic, but the bottles behind the bar looked unfamiliar. The bartender nodded and turned to pick up a dark, heavy-looking bottle without a moment of hesitation. He poured the drink over ice, adding a twist of orange, and placed it carefully in front of Erwin. Every action smooth, every step performed for what looked like the millionth time. Everything the bartender did told Erwin that this was nothing special, that he was no different than any of the other hunched figures at the bar. Yet, the need for something more than this clinical treatment was not extinguished. Erwin took a hearty pull, coughing immediately when the intensely bitter liquid hit the back of his tongue. The bartender watched, his blank face vaguely taunting. “Christ, that’s bitter. Don’t think I’ve had anything like it before.” Erwin felt foolish explaining but the bartender’s unreadable face was getting under his skin. Badly.

“Drink it slowly.” The man offered, a flash of amusement in his eyes. Erwin paused, realizing that the bartender was waiting for him to do so. He took a slow sip. The dark liquor was still intensely bitter, but now he tasted more. Hints of flowers and a spicy scent reminded him of trees, buds, the intense green grass only takes on after a long rain. There was a distinct sweetness left in his mouth with the herbal flavor. Erwin smiled and the bartender gave a curt nod, walking away and busying himself with another customer.

Erwin sipped his drink and stewed in his thoughts. He wanted to make conversation with the bartender, catch his attention somehow. Wanted to learn more about the man, about the bar. Anything that might give him an in. Anything that might get him closer to the man he found so inexplicably attractive. When the bartender passed nearby again he made a casual nod to get his attention.

“Could I get some food? Something to go with this?” Erwin swirled the liquid in his glass, ice clinking musically in the quiet.

“We don’t serve food.”

Erwin stared. He looked from side to side, certain that he’d seen another patron with a plate of something in front of them. He was drunk, but not that drunk. Drunk, but not stupid. Everything was a bit difficult to make out, but surely there was a portion of something vaguely fried-looking in front of someone further down the bar. It could be any number of things, but it was something edible. He looked back to the bartender. The bartender’s face remained blank, no twitch of the lip or movement of the eyebrow suggesting a joke. What a bizarre lie.

“Really? Isn’t that person over there eating something? I’m not picky,” Erwin grinned, trying to charm his way out of the baffling rejection. The bartender stood in front of him and leaned down slightly to look him in the eyes. He moved closer- uncomfortably close. Erwin swallowed. Hyperaware of the man’s proximity, his throat grew tight, hands too warm. The eye contact was intense, he felt shifting grey eyes boring into his. They pushed past his façade, fixing him unmoving to the spot. The periphery of his vision moved further and further away, nothing before him but those unblinking eyes.

The man spoke purposefully, “We don’t serve food.” Why was he lying? Erwin felt a slight tugging at the back of his mind, unable to look away. Surely…but had he actually seen any food? Perhaps not. There were no menus after all. What reason would the bartender possibly have to lie about something so insignificant? After all, those eyes were so powerful, everything else so uncertain. The bar was dark, it was easy to be mistaken. The tugging became less insistent as Erwin wondered why he’d been so insistent on this line of questioning. Those cold, grey eyes held him, guiding him to the truth. Their gaze broke when the bartender stepped back and Erwin chuckled nervously, confused by how he could have ignored something so obvious.

“No, I suppose you don’t. You know, I’m surprised I’ve never been to this place before. It’s not far from where I work.”

The bartender gave a noncommittal nod, letting him speak.

“I didn’t see a sign out front- what is this place called?”

“Oberon’s.”

“That’s kind of an old-fashioned name. It fits though.” Another noncommittal nod. Erwin forged ahead, chatting on easily about work, the area, nothing in particular. The bartender simply nodded at appropriate moments, crossed his arms, shifted his weight. Torturing Erwin with his small gestures. He didn’t stop Erwin from talking but he contributed nothing. No part of himself, no offered information. Just stood, relaxed, slightly disinterested.

It was maddening- this man was unreachable. No flicker of interest, not even a sign of annoyance on his face. Just steady grey eyes, pale skin, sparse, fluid motions. Just impossible allure, a growing flame slowly consuming body and mind. As his second drink disappeared, Erwin began to feel discouraged. Eventually he fell quiet. The flames faded to embers. His drink was gone. It was late. There was no reason to stay, and he’d run out of excuses. Before leaving he decided to make one last-ditch effort.

“My name is Erwin.”

The bartender fixed him with a look. His seemed momentarily surprised, opening his mouth as though to respond before closing it silently. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something. Finally, some reaction. Erwin paid for his drinks, left a generous tip, and made his way home.

The rain continued.

Chapter Text

By Sunday the rain had stopped, replaced by a dense fog that rolled in from the lake to settle. It clung, feeding on the sharp edges of streets and buildings, turning them soft and pliable.

Erwin woke early to take care of errands for the week. He was meeting up with Mike, for coffee and lunch, and he’d had no chance to be productive on Saturday. The pounding headache and tender stomach of the day before were thankfully gone, the products of his overindulgence erased by time and sleep. The memories remained though, muddled and confusing as they were. A bar, an unshakable uneasiness, a strikingly attractive man who served him bitter drinks and stared into his soul. The clarity of that particular detail startled Erwin, the depth of his desire so unexpected and slightly baffling in the sober light of day. It was all quite odd and Erwin decided to dismiss his thoughts on the matter. The strange mood had passed, he didn’t need to dwell any longer.

When Erwin arrived at the café he saw Mike immediately, already sticking his large nose appreciatively into a cup of strong back coffee and peering at the menu through messy dishwater-blonde bangs. Erwin greeted his friend and eased into the chair opposite.

“How have you been, Mike?”

“Not bad- projects are picking up again and Nan hasn’t changed her mind yet.”

“Ah, good to hear. How are the wedding plans going?” Erwin made small talk, looking over the menu. When the waitress arrived, he ordered black coffee and they both chose sandwiches. Mike talked a little about his wedding plans, Erwin wheedling the details out of the quieter man with some cajoling.

“How about you? Your birthday’s coming up isn’t it?” Mike turned the conversation away from himself. Erwin paused. What day was it? Somehow, he hadn’t noticed as it drew nearer. His birthday had just passed- the day before in fact. He’d spent it hungover and confused. He hadn’t noticed as it slipped by.

“Actually, it was yesterday.”

Mike coughed around a mouthful of coffee. “What? I can’t believe I forgot- it’s all this wedding stuff. I didn’t miss anything you’d planned, right?”

“No, it’s not a big deal. I-” Erwin thought for a moment. Would it worry Mike more if he admitted he’d forgotten his own birthday? Probably. But the rain was to blame. The rain, work, it had all gotten him so turned around. Erwin quickly amended his statement. “I hadn’t planned anything anyway.” He finished simply. It wasn’t lying, not exactly. It was for the best.  

“Well, then Happy Birthday, you’re one year closer to being an old man! Anything else going on?”

Erwin didn’t answer at first, the events of the previous Friday tumbling around his mind in a jumble. Mike noticed his pause, and prompted him gently again.

“Oh? Nothing much is going on. I had a rough week, but it ended alright I guess.”

“Alright- you guess?” Mike’s look said much more than his words. Erwin sighed inwardly. It wasn’t a look that was going to just let him skirt around the edges. Mike was forcing him through the middle.

“I may have met someone,” Erwin admitted, rephrasing, “Or, at least there was someone I can’t seem to shake the thought of.” Mike gave him a cautious glance, trying to feel out more information than the cryptic answer provided. When none seemed forthcoming he pressed Erwin gently.

“That sounds … good. I’ve been telling you to get back in the game for at least a year now, so it’s encouraging.”

Erwin nodded, not sure what else he could really offer this conversation. He knew Mike was looking out for his well-being, and had been as reliable as anyone could be given the circumstances of the past few years. Who could he trust if not his best friend? On the other hand, it didn’t mean he was comfortable talking about something so uncertain, a nothing that felt so much like something.

“And? Anything happen?” Mike asked.

“No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t exactly pursue them.”

“Did you want to?”

“Yes, but-” Erwin faltered. How could he explain to Mike? How could he explain the endless rain, the way it wore him down to nothing? How could he explain that the bar had appeared out of nowhere, that it had felt like a dream to be there, and that the man had been the only real-seeming part of the entire encounter? How could he explain that this had been the first time in so long that he’d felt anything remotely resembling attraction to another human? Mike might be relieved, and he owed his friend a lot after all the help he’d offered after Erwin’s loss. But there was always a possibility- Mike might think he had a drinking problem, or his mental health had worsened to the point of some kind of episode. Neither were good options.

“But?” Mike’s steady gaze wasn’t going to let up that easily. Erwin sighed.

“I don’t think he was as interested in me,” He admitted. Mike sniffed, nodding slightly.

“It’s too bad, but maybe it’s for the best, Erwin.”

Erwin blinked, leaning back from his friend. For someone who had almost set him up on a blind date a few weeks ago, this was an unexpected reaction. “What do you mean?” he asked. Mike shifted slightly, discomfort evident in the set of his shoulders, before answering.

“If you’re not feeling ready to pursue anything there’s no reason to push yourself. I thought about it more, and what you said last time was true- there’s no reason to push something that isn’t there.” Mike sighed before he continued, “Besides, sometimes when you get hung up on something it’s too much. Maybe you love too hard, Erwin. I don’t want to see you pining away for nothing or torturing yourself like you did last time. We’ve already lost her. I don’t want to lose you.”

It was sound advice. Not exactly what Erwin wanted to hear, he’d actually have preferred some encouragement, but Mike knew him well. Mike knew everything he’d been through, had seen his lowest points and guided him steadily to where he was now. A place of acceptance, if not peace. He sighed and dismissed the memories for now, focusing on the strong coffee in front of him and catching up with Mike.

Halfway through the workweek Erwin woke harshly, bolting straight up in bed, hands clammy and heart pounding its way out of his chest. The dream had been vivid, much more intense than any he could remember in years. He was back in that dark bar, drinking bitter liquid, staring into the gloom for a hint of the pale man with the onyx-black hair. He’d felt a presence, the hairs on his neck prickling. Whirling, starting, he’d found himself face to face with the bartender. The man said nothing but held his gaze steadily. His grey eyes bore deep and Erwin lost track of his surroundings, of time itself, so intense was his focus on the man before him.

The man reached toward him, articulate, pale fingers caught his chin. His grip was strong, almost painful. Then the man moved close, stretching up and opening his mouth slightly as it met Erwin’s. Arousal flashed through Erwin’s groin as their lips joined. Erwin closed his eyes, welcoming the touch. The other man’s lips were soft, and their light brushing against his own lit a fire in Erwin. But there was something else. Something he hadn’t noticed before.

The man’s lips were cold.

They were so cold.

The cold flowed into Erwin’s body, stealing his breath, freezing him to the spot. His throat tightened, contracting. Cold lips moved against his own.

So cold.

He opened his eyes, fear replacing excitement.

The man’s eyes were open.

His lips were cold.

His grey eyes were colder.

Erwin couldn’t move.

He couldn’t scream.

He couldn’t breathe.

It was then that he’d awoke.

Erwin shook his head, clearing it. His alarm wasn’t set to go off for another hour, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep any longer. He got up and headed to the bathroom for a hot shower. His body warmed slowly, the imagined cold of the dream falling away, its memory fading as warm water drummed against his neck and back. Standing under the spray of water Erwin wondered what the dream meant. There was only one way to find out. He’d have to go back.

By the time Friday arrived Erwin had turned over the events of the night at the bar so many times in his head that they had taken on a strange quality, as though everything had happened to someone else. As though he were merely an observer, reviewing the tapes of someone else’s experience and commenting pointedly at then. He left work late again, caught up in meetings and distracted by last-minute emails for a project due the next week. It was dark by the time he hurried out of the office, heading in the direction of the tracks that had marked the bar’s entrance.

The dark streets weren’t as empty as they had been a week before in the pouring rain. He walked on, picking up his pace slightly in anticipation. In ten minutes, he would reach the tracks. Walking more slowly he looked at the storefronts to the side, scanning them for the unmarked door. He passed a corner store, apartment lobbies, a taco joint. Hadn’t the bar been somewhere nearby? Maybe he’d been mistaken about its exact location.

He’d been drinking after all.

Another block, a café, a more apartments, a 7-Eleven.

No sign of the bar.

Now he’d walked well past the station even, this couldn’t possibly be right. Erwin turned around and walked back the direction he’d come, paying closer attention this time. What had been on either side of the bar? He remembered a pawn shop, or had it been a drugstore? No, it was something that had been closed at night, he remembered that much. His eyes slid over the buildings, but they fixed on nothing in particular. Surely, he’d retraced his steps correctly. He was certain this was the station he’d taken the train from that night.

Determined, Erwin stopped walking and stood for a moment. Crisp autumn air filled his lungs as he drew a deep breath and looked carefully around. To his right was the taco restaurant. There was no sign of the door, but he felt like he knew which direction it must be in. Erwin walked with purpose, taking measured steps. He moved forward steadily, feeling his way with the certainty of his gut. But as he walked the feeling grew less certain. He felt disoriented, couldn’t remember how much further he needed to go, or if this was even the right direction anymore. Something was bothering him, distracting him. He shook his head to clear it and looked to his right again.

He was back at the taco joint.

But he’d hadn’t turned around, he knew that. Still, there it was, hand-written sign in the window advertising ‘Taco Tuesday’.

Erwin sighed, exasperated and confused. He was getting nowhere. Put off by the whole thing, he headed home for the night. He needed a drink.

Erwin had the dream again. It was almost the same as the first time. The bar, the man standing so close, the cold touch of his lips on Erwin’s. The arousal was there too, undeniable, stronger than last time. The man had been more aggressive, had pushed his tongue into Erwin’s mouth immediately.

The cold had been unbearable.

The next week Erwin looked for the bar after work each night. He had the dream each night. Each night it intensified. Each morning he woke too early, feeling cold, feeling aroused.

At the end of the week Erwin felt his desperation reaching a peak. He had to find the bar. The dream had been so intense the night before, erotic and disturbing. He had to see the man again, if for no other reason than to end the dreams. They weren’t nightmares, not exactly, but they were starting to affect his already thin concentration at work.

Erwin walked down the street towards the station in the dark. It was a scene that had replayed so many times in the past few days. The corner store, three apartments, the taco place. He paused, moving out of the way to watch the pedestrians for a moment and collect his thoughts. People walked by. Most of them wore work clothing, neat slacks and skirts, neutral or dark. Their leather shoes sounded out a repetitive rhythm. Erwin wrinkled his brow and rubbed his eyes. What the hell was he really doing? If he was going insane this wasn’t going to help. But if he wasn’t…

That was the point. He couldn’t have imagined it. The dreams were proof, as strange as they were. People walked by, paying no attention to him or each other as they picked their way down the sidewalk. Erwin steeled himself. The taco shop that he’d ended back at so many times would serve as his landmark for once, it would not mock him again. He fixed in his mind the memory of that night and the strange bar. The rain. Pounding down, drowning the city over and over. The streetlights, how similar their glow was tonight. The bar, wedged neatly between buildings. He focused on it, feeling, rather than thinking, which direction it lay in. His mind flickered to the bartender, and the sense of where he was heading solidified. He began to walk.

As he placed one foot in front of the other he tuned out the people around. He ignored the buildings to either side, instead fixing the bar, the bartender, in his mind.

His stride was measured and sure.

A pounding began to flare in his head, warning signs of a headache to come.

His jaw set into a harsh line.

Erwin walked, keeping the man’s pale face clear in his mind. After the dreams, it was easy to visualize him, he’d seen the man so many times in his sleep after all.

The thrumming in his head grew into a hammering.

Still, Erwin continued, knew he was drawing closer as a bolt of searing white pain flashed through his head, joining the thundering dull ache.

With his next step, the pain immediately receded. Erwin drew in a shaky breath and kept the image of the cold, untouchable man in his mind. He turned to his right, allowing himself to look at the buildings once again. There, just a foot from where he stood, was the door. Imposing its existence between the pawn shop and the abandoned store. Erwin shook his head, half in disbelief and half in relief.

He pushed open the door and stepped inside.

Chapter Text

The first time the tall, blonde man entered the bar Levi was not surprised. It happened. Every once in a while, the rain would wash them in. The confused looks in their eyes, heads swiveling in too many directions to get their bearings. They weren’t lost in the bodily sense, not really, their minds were simply wandering away from their usual territory.

This man was no different, Levi knew, as he made his way slowly to the bar. Then again, the strangers that found their way here usually weren’t as handsome or as confident in their stride. The grey suit and crisp white shirt the man wore were out of place in the dark bar. His hair shone even with the small amount of light in the room, impossibly straight side-part emphasizing chiseled features. His eyes were surprisingly blue. It was foolish, but Levi allowed himself the indulgence of the man’s appearance.

The second time though, that was different. He knew his name now, Erwin, one he’d never thought he’d have any reason to use. He’d hardly believed it when the man entered the bar again- his tall frame filling the small door, the part of his hair as perfect as last time. Still not certain this was possible, Levi broke one of his rules. He poured himself a drink. Something strong. He sipped the dark, bitter liquor slowly as the man approached the bar.

The man swung himself easily onto a stool in front of Levi, the same as last time. No, Erwin swung himself onto a stool. The same as last time. He wore a grey suit and white shirt. The same as last time.

Levi blinked and walked to the other end of the bar, suddenly uncomfortable at having to face a man who should not be. He picked up empty tumblers deposited on the bar’s edge and washed them carefully, feeling intense blue eyes on his back. He dried them slowly. There was no escape from the man who should not be. A customer is a customer, he reminded himself. Even a tall, well-built customer with a charming smile is still nothing more than a customer. At a bar, every customer wants one thing: a drink. He decided quickly- there was no need to let the man who should not be know that he remembered. After all, it was easy to forget a face, only seen once, in his line of work.

“What’ll it be?” He drawled, crossing his arms uninvitingly over his chest and looking at Erwin.

“Ah, I rather liked whatever it was you made last time. Dark, herbal, bitter drink, I recall.” Erwin gave a small smile, too genuine.

“Sorry, you’ll have to jog my memory,” Levi lied. He pulled three bottles from behind the bar and waved a hand over them, “Any of these look familiar?” It was the bottle on the left, the same one he’d poured for himself. Was he giving the man who should not be a test? It mattered little. He would not pass.

Erwin peered at the bottles, large eyebrows scrunching closer together to get a better look in the dim light. He seemed unbothered by Levi’s rudeness. What a pity. He put a large hand on the leftmost bottle and declared that it was the one. Levi narrowed his eyes. The man who should not be was back. The same as last time. Even worse, he remembered. He poured the drink, two fingers, twist of orange peel to offset the bitter, adding ice exactly as Erwin had requested last time without a second thought.

Erwin brought the glass to his mouth and stopped suddenly. His face relaxed slightly, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes. “You do remember. You’re a bad liar, bartender.”

Levi dismissed the accusation with a glower. Erwin simply chuckled and took a pull of his drink. When he placed it back on the counter his look was more serious. Levi balked under the intensity of the man who should not be’s gaze.

“I’m glad you remember. I thought I was going insane.” Levi raised a single eyebrow in question. “This place is real, but it’s not always here. I work nearby and I’d never seen it before, but I’m not so oblivious that I’d get lost in this part of town. I tried to come back last week and it was gone.” Erwin shook his head, trying to shake off the unease of the memory. “I may have become a bit obsessed. But it’s here tonight. You’re here tonight.” He fixed Levi with an appraising look. “Why?”

Levi looked away. “It’s here every night.”

Erwin blinked, a quick moment of disbelief replaced by careful blankness. “You won’t tell me. I see.”

“That’s not it,” Levi backpedaled, unsure why he wanted to make this man understand, “It’s always here. But you shouldn’t be. It’s not right.” This was going nowhere. He was fumbling over what to say. There’d never been a need to explain before.

“Why couldn’t I find it, then?” Erwin pressed, staring him down.

Levi took a measured sip of his own drink before continuing. “It’s not meant to be found. You stumbled in last time- a mistake. This time though…” he trailed off. Erwin’s eyes stayed on him, forcing the rest of his words out. “It takes a certain state of mind to notice this bar. Somehow, tonight, you had it. Again.” It was Levi’s turn to stare at the man. “So, what are you looking for, Erwin?” The name slipped out unintentionally and the relief in Erwin’s eyes made Levi regret it immediately. This fucking man.

Erwin smiled easily, charm turned on in a split second. “Truthfully? I was looking for you, bartender.” Levi made a sour face and looked around the bar. Someone else was almost finished with their drink, saving him briefly as he spoke in low tones with the regular, fixing a cocktail he’d made hundreds of times with no thought. But Erwin waited, sipping patiently, staring at him. Creepy fucker. Levi wasn’t used to attention and it was deeply unsettling. Before he could think about it though he found himself standing in front of the man again, taking the smallest of sips from his own glass.

“I get it.” Erwin said, snapping him out of his dark thoughts, “You don’t want me to be here for whatever reason. But I am here, and I came to see you. Won’t you at least tell me your name?” Levi started.

“My name?” The request turned over in his mind. It wasn’t something he wanted to divulge, but the question had been very direct. Not direct enough, he decided, feeling no compulsion to answer. He shook his head.

“Tell me your name, bartender.” Erwin commanded. Shit. Levi glared at him.

“Levi.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Levi. My last name is Smith- I’m Erwin Smith.” Erwin’s response was sincere, cordial. Levi paused a moment, wondering if the man realized what he had done. No, it seemed he was oblivious, and Levi relaxed slightly at the knowledge. The man was strange, Levi had never seen a person like him at the bar twice, but so far, he was harmless enough.

Erwin ignored Levi’s hostile looks and made small talk. He ordered a second drink. He stared too much. Levi did his best to discourage the man but it was becoming exhausting to avoid blue eyes and keep his face screwed into an unwelcoming expression. Erwin continued the one-sided conversation, making no protest over the single words or grunts Levi offered in response. Levi felt his guard slowly slipping. It was infuriating.

“Would you like to get coffee with me sometime?” Levi blinked at the sudden question- how had their conversation gotten to this point? It was true that Levi had been paying less attention to Erwin’s words and more attention to his appearance, and yet…

“Give me your number, Levi, let’s do something.” Erwin smiled encouragingly.

He’d taken too long to respond. Shit. He should have said something mean, anything to dissuade the man in front of him. Shit. Levi didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to become any more entangled in this stranger’s life than he already was. He frowned again and kept silent, but the request was so clear. His number. Not a question. It was so undeniable. Levi’s hands trembled, imperceptible to anyone but himself. His throat tightened. He turned away from Erwin, ignoring the disappointment he saw there.

Levi made his way to the register and pulled a pen from the nearby cup. He didn’t want to answer, but he had no choice. His jaw clenched as he scrawled his phone number messily on a paper napkin. At least it was difficult to read. He hoped it was illegible. He turned back to Erwin and angrily thrust the napkin under his nose. Erwin’s eyes widened and he smiled again, accepting the offering.

“You should leave.” Levi stated, not allowing any room for protest.

“What?” Erwin was even more confused now, the napkin still draped over the hand that held it.

“Leave. Don’t come back. Don’t call me.” Levi crossed his arms. Erwin stared, trying to reconcile the bartender’s words with his actions. Levi turned away and busied himself with washing and wiping down glasses. He heard a shuffle and then the squeak of wood on wood as Erwin paid for his drinks and got up to leave. Levi began reorganizing the liquor bottles. He didn’t turn around until he heard the door swing shut, signaling the exit of the man who should not be, the man who knew his name, the man called Erwin Smith.

Chapter Text

The next week passed in a strange haze for Erwin. The interaction at the mysterious bar, Oberon’s, was as much a mystery as the place itself. In person, he’d still found the bartender captivating and the reassurance that he wasn’t insane was a good one. He’d also learned Levi’s name and number, after all. But the way he’d looked at him, the way he’d insisted so firmly that he wanted nothing to do with Erwin, that was not encouraging. It was a conundrum, this frustrating contrast. No one had ever behaved in such a curious fashion towards Erwin’s advances, and he certainly hadn’t expected behavior like this. He’d held off on texting the man for as long as he could, but as the dreary monotony of the work week set in he found himself unable to resist. He texted Levi.

Hey, it’s Erwin. Are you free for coffee sometime?

He received no response. The initial elation he’d felt acquiring the other man’s number faded slowly as his further messages went unanswered. Ignored. Shunned. Erwin knew he should probably drop it, he was a grown man embarrassing himself at this point, but the rejection still hurt. Mike was right, he wasn’t really ready for this after all. Not if it meant hanging onto vain hopes only to have them disintegrate like morning mist. Erwin floated through the week, no anchor to hold him to the reality of his work, his thoughts tangled up in the mystery of Levi. The days were heavy and thick, the weight of each hour spent staring at his computer at work increasing as the clock ticked slowly on. His apartment felt emptier than he’d remembered, too large, too cold. Yet always, thoughts of Levi, of the bar, turning it over in his mind and agonizing over whether or not to text him one more time. Over whether or not to hope.  

On Friday, he found himself at a loss. If he had to admit it, he didn’t have much in the way of hobbies, work had slowly taken an increasing amount of his time. His few friends would have something else to do on a night like this. Even worse, the previous few weeks he’d spent all of his spare time searching for the strange disappearing bar. He’d even found it: mission accomplished. But now that he thought he’d reached his goal Levi had forbidden his return. And hadn’t answered any of his messages. Erwin had probably sent 5 or 6, he wasn’t counting he told himself, roughly one a day. There was nothing for it, he didn’t want to press the issue more than he already was. So, Erwin set off on his way home.

On a whim, he decided to take a detour to the coffee shop he would have invited Levi to so he could wallow in his failure properly. Maybe pine over what could have been. Misery and company and all that. The coffee shop was out of his way, but he had nowhere better to go, and it was cozy, full of overstuffed chairs and low tables. When his latte was ready Erwin picked a seat where he could look out the large front windows at the street and watch the bustle as nearby office buildings disgorged their tired employees for a hard-earned weekend. Heading home, to the train stations, to the corner store to pick up milk or beer. Going out to meet with friends or family. Going out to meet with lovers. Going on dates, maybe even for coffee. The people hurried by, nothing special catching his eye as he watched them and sipped his warm drink. Sweet, and bitter.

He wondered what it would be like if Levi had joined him. What would the man order? He had seen him sipping something at the bar. Perhaps he liked his coffee the same way- dark as night, bitter as grief. Would he dress the same way he had at the bar, all in black? It suited him, a creature of monochrome, a body defined purely by light and shadow. How would he look, sipping his drink, sitting quietly across the table? Erwin supposed he would never find out and sighed dejectedly at the thought.

It had been so long since he’d found anyone truly interesting. After Marie, his life had turned red and then black. After the initial grief and pain had finally faded he was left with even less than he’d had before. With less than he’d imagined possible. Without his anger, his guilt, there was nothing to grasp onto anymore. It left him cold. His life had been a palette of shifting greys, no contrast or color emerging from the fog. But, Levi had stood out. He had broken the spell of complacent dissatisfaction. He had appeared like a sharp, dark outline cutting into his conscious, drawing his eye, and defying the nothingness all around. But, Levi didn’t want him. No one did, now. Now, he was good for nothing but work, endless work.

Erwin stared out the window, not really seeing the people but looking instead into some middle distance between them and eternity. His latte tasted flat, lukewarm and ashen. His mind lapsed into a passive state as he took in the view of nothing.

Suddenly something caught his eye. Someone in the crowd. Across the street stood a hunched figure, at the street corner, huddled under an awning. It looked like an old woman, bent with age. Erwin supposed she might be a homeless person, but there was something odd about her. He narrowed his eyes, trying to bring her into better focus. That was the odd thing, the people around her were easy to discern. But her edges were somehow indistinct, her form shadowed and unclear. Like the patrons at Oberon’s, she seemed like more of a suggestion than an actual physical reality. Except for her eyes. Her eyes were a piercing, unbelievable blue. They burned with a cold light and Erwin was enchanted by their color, so clearly visible despite the distance. Brilliant, shining, gems mounted in a setting that no longer seemed important. She turned, and looked directly at him. There was no mistake, she could see him staring. When their eyes met Erwin felt a shiver run down his back, a strange electricity-like shock moving through him from neck to toes. She was looking at him, into him, beyond him. He froze, cup halfway to his mouth.

Her eyes flashed, lit with mischief. They seemed so large, much too large for her face. Their presence, at least, was gigantic. It was as though he stood directly in front of her, mere inches from them. They were unnatural eyes. Her pupils were narrow and vertical, like those of a cat, and she did not blink. Erwin forced his gaze away, his hands were shaking slightly. He felt a sense of unease. Something out of place, poking irritatingly at his mind. Something familiar but strange. Memories of the bar, of the crackle in its air, and ominous feeling. He took a sip of his latte and noticed that the skin on his arm has turned to gooseflesh where he’d pushed up his sleeve. He took a deep breath to calm jangling nerves and looked cautiously out the window again.

Gone. The figure had disappeared. On the corner across the street the awning was unoccupied, there was no one other than the pedestrians waiting to cross the intersection. He scanned those standing, but none of them were so old, so hunched, so dark and strange. They were all solid, real people, nothing unusual about them. It was possible that she had moved, Erwin couldn’t put a finger on how long he’d stared. His grasp on the time that had passed felt shaky at best. Erwin blinked and wondered if it had been a mere figment of his imagination. A waking dream brought on by his disappointment, his desire for something more. That was another explanation, one he’d prefer not to entertain. It sounded too close to losing his grip. More likely he was simply confused. She had stood on the other side of the street, it was not so close. Maybe he just needed to get his eyes checked, it was probably time to stop fighting his vanity now that he was firmly in his 30s. That was it, he was just being stubborn with himself again. Erwin finished his drink and decided to stop moping.

He headed home.

Erwin continued to send Levi a single text each day. He felt that somehow, failing to do so would be the ultimate act of surrender. A true sign that he was ready to roll over and quit everything. He began to view it as a sort of game, seeing if he could entice the other man into a response somehow.

I had a crazy day today, you wouldn’t believe what happened.

What kind of food do you like best?

I can’t stop thinking about you.

Nothing worked. Erwin’s texts travelled off into the ether, and who knew what happened to them at that point. Erwin was composing a new one in his head as he stared at his phone on the platform. He was waiting for the train in an underground station, doing errands after work. The screen was depressing, full of unanswered messages he’d sent Levi taunting him. He still had nothing to show for it. He scrolled up and read through them one at a time. No wonder Levi hadn’t responded, he was clearly obsessed. Levi probably thought he was a creepy stalker now. Erwin stewed in sour thoughts. His attempts to reach the other man seemed increasingly desperate and childish. Maybe he was a creepy stalker.

One last try, Erwin thought, as he pressed the little green icon by Levi’s name and held the phone to his ear. Maybe calling in person would do something he’d failed to achieve with just a mess of longing characters forming lonely words. The phone rang. Erwin counted. On the fifth ring it went to voicemail, an impersonal robotic message repeating the number he’d reached. Erwin’s hopes dropped, but he’d already made the call, and he was not a man who did anything halfway.

“Hello, this is Erwin. Levi, talk to me. I just want to see you again. Go on one date with me, Levi. I know I’m making a nuisance of myself, I apologize for that. But I just want an explanation- why did you tell me your name? Why did you give me your number? You didn’t have to do either of those things, but you did. Please, give me a chance, just once.” Erwin tapped his screen to end the call. It was a sad message, a shameful plea for something he did not deserve. At least he had done all he possibly could.

The noise of the train approaching made him look up in its direction. It still sounded far away, perhaps at the previous stop. Erwin waited patiently, but the noise did not increase in volume. It sounded different too, less like a train screeching along metal tracks and more like a thundering banging in the distance. Clanging notes rang down the tunnel, punctuating the air. Erwin stared in their direction. This was clearly not a train. He checked the display above the platform. The train wouldn’t arrive for 5 minutes. It was always on time.

Erwin looked around for signs of construction work or anything out of the ordinary to explain the noises. He saw nothing. Even stranger, no one else seemed to be bothered by the racket. They stood waiting for the train just as they had before the noise began. Staring at phones, chatting with companions, pacing idly to pass the time. No one seemed bothered by the clanging din that had become remarkable against such an ordinary backdrop.  

The sound seemed closer now, and Erwin tried to guess at what it reminded him of. Metal on metal or metal on something equally hard- stone? Hammers, or some other heavy metal tool. Something banging against rock, over and over. Almost as though someone was mining. Mining in the rail tunnel. Erwin shook his head. That made no sense. What would one even mine for under the city? He couldn’t imagine finding anything other than pipes, utility lines, endless miles of reinforced concrete and stone.

More likely they were pounding new rail spikes into the track. Repairs or construction, the train lines could certainly use some after all. Perhaps they were doing some sort of utility work, that seemed to be a never-ending pursuit above-ground in the streets. Lines like that were probably placed underground, it could require digging of some sort. They would probably stop when the train arrived, moving out of the way or ceasing briefly to allow the train to pass safely. He waited. When the familiar noise of the train joined in he let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. The pounding receded as the train’s approach filled his ears. The train pulled up to the platform and Erwin boarded.

His phone vibrated in his pocket.

Erwin pulled it hastily from his suit jacket, hoping he wasn’t missing an important call from the office. It wasn’t a call. It was a text. From Levi.

I told you to go away. -Levi

Erwin stared. Levi had responded. Where did this immediate about-face come from? What he done to trigger this, had it been something he’d said? He tapped out a quick note, not caring what his immediate response might signal.

I did. I haven’t been back to the bar.

Erwin hoped that Levi was at his phone and would continue the conversation. He silently cursed himself for assuming that he was, for not responding more fully.

True.

Levi’s answer was as terse as he’d been at the bar. Nothing offered, nothing hinted.

Will you join me for dinner? I’m free whenever.

It was as desperate as the message he’d left, but Erwin didn’t care. Anything would be good enough for him.

Will you stop bothering me if I do?

Erwin took longer to respond this time. What exactly did Levi mean by this, after he’d finally responded? It didn’t make much sense, he’d already ignored Erwin for well over a week. Erwin sighed in frustration.

I can’t promise anything.

Now he felt like they really were playing a game. But it wasn’t the flirtatious, exciting one he’d imagined. He wasn’t sure what it was. Levi’s response was not immediate. Erwin stared at his phone, willing a message to appear. He arrived at his stop and slid his phone back in his pocket.

When Erwin returned to his apartment that night he took the phone out to check his emails. There was a message from Levi. He cursed himself for having missed it and eagerly read the words.

Thursday night. No dinner. Drinks. Wherever you like. 8pm.

Erwin smiled in spite of himself. He quickly texted the address of a nice bar cocktail bar he’d been to with coworkers to Levi along with a ‘see you then’.

He had a date.

Chapter Text

When Levi arrived at the bar it wasn’t difficult for him to spot Erwin, to pick him out immediately even in the low lighting. Erwin was still attractive, despite Levi’s best efforts at ignoring how well-kempt his hair looked, how effortlessly he wore his perfectly-fitted suit. Levi felt his pulse quicken as he stared a beat too long. He scowled and approached Erwin, already convinced that agreeing to meet him had been nothing but a terrible idea. He’d said no dinner, he thought he’d been pretty fucking clear about that. So, what was Erwin doing sitting on one of the too-trendy mismatched Victorian armchairs at an intimate table for two instead of at the bar? Levi flicked his eyes dismissively away at Erwin’s small smile and wave and pulled the other armchair out roughly from the tiny table, pressing himself as far as he could into its back and folding his arms.

Yes, he had agreed to come. Yes, he had showed up. But it didn’t mean he had to humor this man. In fact, Levi planned to do the exact opposite. Erwin had no business sticking his nose where it didn’t belong, and Levi had no business leading him further into something he would surely regret.

“It’s good to see you again, Levi.” Erwin handed him a folded drink menu. Levi took it, making sure not to touch Erwin’s fingers. He noticed again how large Erwin’s hands were. Much larger than his own. Levi could easily imagine what they would feel like on his skin, but he didn’t want to. Instead he spoke.

“I said no dinner.”

Erwin nodded, somewhat seriously. “That’s right, no dinner, just drinks. But what about dessert?” Levi opened his mouth, ready to fire back with an insult, but closed it just as quickly when he noticed a playful flash in dark blue eyes. He set aside his ammunition, disarmed by the earnestness of the flirtation, and buried his nose in the menu.

The drinks were mostly too fiddly for his liking, and the scrolling cursive of the font face was both pretentious and almost indecipherable. He finally settled on whatever had the most alcohol, something with plenty of gin. He placed the menu down on the table next to a collection of flickering tea lights in colored glass between them and looked around the bar more carefully, avoiding Erwin’s steady gaze.

The bar was just as trendy as the armchairs. Set up to mimic a speakeasy, the ceiling was high and decorated with a large glass chandelier. The windows were heavily curtained and the seating was a hodgepodge of coffee tables, armchairs, loveseats, and stools. All mismatched, all plucked from a different old-fashioned setting and strewn just-so over the dark hardwood flooring. The bar itself was large and simple- topped in white marble, high shelves behind it displaying liquor alongside a collection of empty apothecary bottles. Elegant and opulent were the words it brought to mind.

Levi looked down at his clothing. An old black leather jacket, the long-gone zipper pull replaced with a safety pin. Black jeans, worn lighter where they creased, thin and soft at the knees. A black t-shirt. The same things he always wore. Not elegant, not opulent, the strangeness of the contrast between himself and this place was painfully obvious. It was not a place he belonged, if such a thing even existed. But, usually it didn’t matter. Usually he could hide in the dark, behind the bar, with the armor of his black apron and his scowl. He didn’t necessarily feel out of place in his clothing, but he didn’t go anywhere where drinks were this expensive either.

Erwin followed his eyes and seemed to notice his plain clothing for the first time. Levi winced internally, expecting to see the other man judging his shabbiness. The curiosity and concern he heard instead were unexpected when Erwin asked, “Aren’t you cold like that?” Levi blinked, staring.

“Cold?”

“Yeah, it’s getting pretty cold this time of year. How can you just wear that leather jacket and t-shirt?”

Levi shook his head slightly. It was probably cold, Erwin was right. It was the time of the year when the wind began to sharpen its fangs. How could he tell Erwin though, that the cold didn’t bother him anymore? That it had become a part of him, just like the heat of the summer and the fickle moods of the rain. That he didn’t even feel it. He couldn’t tell Erwin. Just like he couldn’t allow himself to think about how good Erwin’s large hands would feel on his body. Just like he couldn’t allow Erwin to throw away what seemed like a perfectly good, perfectly normal existence.

“I guess I didn’t realize how cold it was today.” He shrugged instead. Erwin nodded.

“Well if you get cold, let me know. We could sit somewhere else, further from the window or closer to the fireplace in the back.”

Levi made a noncommittal noise, brushing off the offer. He searched for something to say, but found little. Unused to conversation, he preferred to stay quiet, letting others fill the space with their words. Erwin wasn’t making it any easier either. At the bar he’d made most of the small talk himself, sparing Levi any real need to engage. But it had been much later in the night. Erwin had been much more drunk. This Erwin seemed to be paying closer attention to him, waiting for cues. Watching, listening, caring. It was disconcerting, but also, surprisingly- enjoyable. He looked back at the menu, pretending to read it over once again to distract his thoughts from places they didn’t belong.

He felt the presence of blue eyes on him without needing to look up. It was becoming too much. Erwin was too attractive and far too perceptive. He needed to keep things moving along without allowing anything closer than arm’s length. To avoid being ensnared, for both their sake’s. Levi looked around for a server and when he spotted one, a woman with a shiny brown ponytail in a svelte green dress, he cleared his mind. He focused on her, emptying everything else from his perception and willing her to approach them. His eyes went flat, his breathing slowed and he located what he was looking for and gave a gentle tug with his mind. Wrapping an imperceptible string tight, drawing it to him. The server turned her head towards them and Levi stared at her, winding her attention up as he did until it was taught and she was looking right at them. He let go, and the server come over, taking their drink orders quickly.

Erwin cast him a suspicious look but said nothing about what he may or may not have seen. Far too perceptive. This fucking man and his perfect hair- his big hands.

“What made you finally agree to go out with me?” Erwin asked, snapping Levi’s attention back to him. So he didn’t know after all, some of the bottled up tension left Levi, that was for the best.

“Why do you keep bothering me?” Levi countered, evading the question.

“That’s not really fair,” Erwin’s head tilted to the side, his bangs falling out of place slightly with the gesture, “answering a question with a question.”

“Yeah, well, life’s not fair, Blondie.” Levi grumbled. Erwin’s lips pursed slightly, unamused. It didn’t matter, this was an easy question to avoid, an easy distraction to place. “I told you, I’m hoping you’ll leave me alone after this. I’m just proving to you what unpleasant company I am.” That was it, wasn’t it? That was the reason he’d agreed to meet Erwin. Other than the voice message, of course. Either way, Levi felt he could spin this to his advantage. He could still shake off the interest of this infuriating man. He certainly hadn’t agreed because Erwin was attractive. He hadn’t agreed because Erwin had been able to find the bar again; Erwin had come back for him.

Erwin laughed at his statement. “Unpleasant company? You? That’s not possible.” The assurance in his voice was unsettling. Levi wasn’t used to the attention, and he was pretty certain that he could, in fact, be unpleasant. That he was being so right now.

Their drinks arrived, providing a pause. Levi’s was in a tall glass with ice, clear and slightly bubbly. It didn’t matter what it looked like as long as it was strong, and Levi sipped it, testing the skill of their bartender. Acceptable, if a bit sweet, the gin’s flavor was still present. The place might be disgustingly fancy but at least their drinks weren’t watered, and whoever made this one had some skill. The alcohol warmed his throat, settling into his chest with each sip. Erwin had ordered something different, something amber served in a fluted squat glass. Probably a Manhattan or some derivative of it. No matter how many fancy names these places used they all served the same old standards in the end. Levi held back a disapproving tch at the unimaginative combinations. They probably didn’t call themselves bartenders either, probably mixologists or some shit.

“So,” Levi picked up the thread of their earlier conversation, “Are you going to answer my question now?”

“Pardon?” Erwin looked distant for a moment as he picked up his drink. “Oh, why am I bothering you?” He swirled the liquid, ice clinking. The same as in the bar. Levi noticed. A habit of his? “I’m don’t really have a good answer, I’m not entirely sure myself.” Erwin tasted his drink, returning it to the table between them. He leaned his elbows on his spread knees, steeping his fingers and staring at them briefly. He looked up, catching Levi’s eyes with his own. Open, solemn, “…it’s just, you’re interesting,” his expression was as disarming as his answer.

“Interesting? Seems like a low bar.” Levi smirked. His cocktail was half gone and he was already beginning to feel more relaxed despite their opulent surroundings. “Do you stalk every interesting guy until they agree to go out with you?” Erwin sighed and reached for his drink, finishing it in one go before replacing it and rubbing one hand over his face. Not so perfect now, strands of disturbed blonde hair hung over his forehead. He looked more open like that, his too-clever, too-perfect image softening. They sat, an uncomfortable silence extending as Levi finished his own drink. The waitress returned and they ordered again, the same drinks.

Levi mused that he was doing a good job of putting Erwin off, that this would surely be the last time he’d have to deal with him. On top of that, the alcohol was making him slightly warm. The establishment, at first an uncomfortable place where he didn’t belong, began to feel like something he could grow to enjoy with its flickering candles and aged furniture. Erwin wasn’t actually awful company, and Levi found himself somewhat disappointed that he’d have to deter the other man. Especially with that neat profile, those thick fingers that had wrapped so fully around the heavy glasses. He stretched his legs out, relaxing into his chair as their second round of drinks arrived.

“Of course not.” Hearing Erwin’s voice after the long pause, it sounded quieter, less confident. “Not just anyone. I actually haven’t been on a date in years.” The admission surprised Levi. He looked at Erwin, eyes narrowing slightly as he assessed the words and the man. There was no lie here, that much was obvious just from his tone, the slump hanging on broad shoulders, the tired shadows casting darkness on blue eyes. Levi’s gaze lingered on those downcast eyes before wandering to Erwin’s neck, tracing thick muscles down to the casually open top buttons of his dress shirt, the faintest hint of blonde hair. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt after all.

Levi sipped his drink. The conundrum of Erwin being unable to get a date for years was becoming only mildly important. He knew he was relaxing somewhat, but his earlier concerns had also faded to little more than a suggestion. One that could be easily ignored, especially considering how the low candlelight danced on the straight ridge of Erwin’s nose. When Erwin picked up their conversation again, this time he responded.

“What do you think of this place?”

“It’s fancy.”

Erwin looked slightly pained at the blunt answer, his glance at Levi’s clothing filling in the obvious reason even before he spoke.

“I’m sorry about that. I could have said something. I didn’t mean to make you feel…” Erwin trailed off.

“It’s fine,” Levi answered, “my suit is at the dry-cleaner anyway.” The sarcastic jab earned a small snort from Erwin, and Levi decided that he might not have an awful sense of humor.

“Then how’s your drink? Do the mixologists here live up to your professional standards?” It was Levi’s turn to roll his eyes. Mixologists: what pretentious nonsense. They probably waxed their handlebar mustaches too.

“I’m not a mixologist. I don’t know about these people, but I’m just a bartender.”

“What’s the difference?”

Levi thought for a moment before responding, “I’m not pretending to be anything. I make drinks. I serve beer. It’s not a craft or a talent, it’s a job, a life.”

Erwin nodded, accepting the answer. He finished the amber liquid in his drink and looked at Levi again. “That’s what I like about you. I didn’t really answer your question well before, about why I’m bothering you. But I think you just answered it for me. You’re not pretending. You’re different.” He sighed, leaning back in his chair, eyes not leaving Levi. “I just feel like there’s something special about you. You stand out in a way. Like something solid and sharp in a sea of fog and shadow.” Erwin shook his head, seemingly unsure of his own cryptic explanation. Levi finished his drink. The liquid in his glass was gone, and with it any remaining misgivings. The alcohol was catching up to him, and it emboldened his tongue.

“You’re right, there is something special about me.” Erwin perked up at his words.

“What?”

“I’m just buzzed and stupid enough to think that this isn’t a terrible mistake.”

“What isn’t?” Erwin prompted, still confused.

“Going home with you tonight. C’mon, let’s get out of here.” A slow smile grew on Erwin’s features, turning them from handsome to irresistible. Levi leaned forward and caught the waitresses’ attention, motioning her over.

One night couldn’t hurt. Erwin had found his way back to him twice now. Besides, he was undeniably attractive, and thoughts of what those large hands could do to him were becoming more and more difficult to ignore. That was all it was, just a brief excuse to give in to physical desire. Then Levi would disappear properly from the man’s life.

One night couldn’t hurt.

Chapter Text

By the time they’d made it to Erwin’s apartment building, Levi was getting impatient. Erwin had insisted on paying for his drinks, and the taxi. It was a bit more chivalry than he’d expected, especially after the other man’s desperate persistence earlier.

Erwin lived in a nice part of the city. It was no surprise, Levi reasoned, someone who wore tailored suits everyday could afford to live anywhere they liked. An old neighborhood, in the heart of the city. The kind of place where even the poorer residents drove imported cars and everyone had spotless, untouched kitchens. This place bustled at all times of day and night, and skyscrapers of a hundred different styles stretched up to meet the dull glow of the city sky. Full of jewels, it sparkled and shone while Levi glowered, dull as dirt.

The building they entered was no different- probably built almost a century ago, when people were willing to spend time and money on art deco monstrosities and cared about the notions of beauty and good taste. High ceilings, polished marble and thick columns decorated the building’s lobby. A bank of original elevators stood to one side, encased in black and steel, covered in elaborate designs, organic forms translated into geometric shapes. They stepped into one and Erwin pressed the button for his floor. While Erwin had been chatty in the taxi he’d grown quieter as they got closer to where he lived. It mattered little to Levi, being quiet was always easier than talking, and he didn’t mind the silence as they rode up.

As Levi followed Erwin down the hall, he noticed the other man walking quickly, as though if their steps were to slow or stop they might never reach the apartment.

“Hey, Erwin,” Levi began, and Erwin looked back to him, “there’s no need to rush.” Erwin gave a nod.

“You’re right. I’m just a bit nervous.”

“Nervous?” Levi almost laughed at the ridiculous statement. But, looking at Erwin’s face, his posture, the words didn’t seem quite as funny. He did look a little tense, not really nervous, but not as at-ease, not as collected. His shoulders were held too high, and his face seemed a slightly darker shade around the neck. No, Erwin didn’t look nervous, that was the wrong word for it. Erwin looked eager. “Whatever, you don’t have any cats, do you?”

Erwin slowed down more, his mounting energy quieted somewhat by the question. “No,” he answered, “are you allergic?”

“Sure, something like that.”

Erwin shook his head, chuckling a little. They had arrived. He opened the door, and gestured for Levi to enter.

The apartment was exactly as Levi had imagined when they’d gotten into the building. The space was well-utilized and set on a human scale only old buildings possessed. Large, high windows looked out onto the skyline where lights blinked in shades of orange, yellow, and blue-white. Before Erwin could flick on the lights, Levi grabbed his suit jacket, pulling him down and close with a strong grip. Erwin bent, their lips meeting in a hot clash, noses bumping before they fitted themselves together, discovering the right angle with a turn of the head.

Erwin tasted like whiskey, smoky and sharp. His mouth was hot and opened easily, inviting Levi in as their tongues rolled over each other. They wrestled like that, tongues and teeth and flavors mixing and twining. Erwin pulled away, allowing Levi to gasp before he ran his tongue along the bottom of Levi’s upper lip, sliding it up between teeth and the wet skin inside. He bit lightly, tugging until Levi growled and surged up again to meet him in a kiss. As their open mouths moved against each other Levi strained, balancing on his toes to press further into Erwin, to close all space between them. Strong arms encircled his back, his waist, pulling him forward. Their teeth clicked together once, desire running too scorching where they were connected to care about the finer points.

Levi broke their kiss, turning his head to the side and letting Erwin’s lips land by his ear. Unperturbed, Erwin licked his skin, nipping and mouthing along his jawbone. Levi shivered as the warm, sloppy trail sent a thrill through him when Erwin began moving down from his jaw to the muscles in his neck.

“Erwin, where the hell is your bedroom? Or do you want to fuck here, by the front door?” He accused, pressing his elbow into Erwin’s ribs to get his attention.

“What? Oh, no, you’re right. I’ll show you” Erwin murmured into his neck, his arms not releasing their hold as he began to guide Levi backwards. Levi grumbled a protest but let Erwin maneuver them slowly, shuffling his feet to keep them from being stepped on. He was too focused on the way Erwin was biting at his neck, the way the man’s teeth grazed over the sensitive skin below his ear, to pay much attention to anything else. They made their way through the living room, a journey punctuated by quick breaths and the clench of Levi’s fingers as Erwin sucked at his neck, long and hard enough to leave a deep, purpling bruise on his collarbone. Levi groaned as Erwin bit down where he’d been sucking, the swipes of tongue over the spot, tender with the delicious ache of his mouth, replaced by dull pain and pressure made heat flare in his groin.

They bumped into the wall, knocking the breath from Levi as he was pushed, too hard, against the wall of the hallway. Their winding path was made tortuously slow as they clung to each other, and by the time they entered the bedroom Levi was half-hard. He rubbing himself against Erwin’s thigh as that hot mouth, that teasing interplay of lips, tongue, and teeth continued its path across his neck and shoulders. His clothing felt tight, hot, and restrictive, and Levi wanted nothing more than to be rid of it.

Levi pushed free of Erwin with a grunt, disentangling arms and dodging errant kisses.

“Quit it, Erwin, I don’t want to just make out like high schoolers all night. Do have condoms and lube, or what?” Erwin smiled at the blunt question, the way he didn’t even pause at the harshness of tone made Levi’s face warm from something more than arousal.

“Of course I do. I mean, somewhere around here.” Erwin walked over to a dresser, turning on a small lamp and opening the top drawer to rifle through it. Levi rolled his eyes, but shrugged his jacket off and untied his boots. He removed his clothing quickly, efficiently, and folded each item before placing them all in a neat pile on the floor next to his boots. By the time Erwin had located what he was searching for Levi stood naked, arms crossed, leaning casually against the wall. Erwin turned back to face Levi. His mouth opened slightly and stayed that way, hungry eyes devouring every inch of pale skin and trace of dark hair.

“Give me the lube.” Levi said, and when Erwin tossed him the bottle he snatched it easily from the air one-handed. “Now take off your clothes and get over here. As much as I like the way that suit looks on you, I’d rather not have to pay for your damn dry-cleaning.” Levi popped open the bottle, spreading a generous amount of lube on his fingers, ignoring Erwin’s continued stare. When he’d finished coating his fingers Levi tossed the bottle back to Erwin. He took a step away from the wall, positioning his legs shoulder-width apart and sighed, shaking his shoulders loose before reaching behind himself. With a small sigh he slid his fingers between the cheeks of his ass, stroking the sensitive, tight skin of the ring of muscle between them.

Erwin’s eyes blazed in the half-light, the weight of them on Levi’s body almost as satisfying as Erwin’s hands and mouth had been. Seeing the want, the unchecked yearning in them, made Levi’s back arch and his breath catch as he pressed two fingers into himself. It was quick, maybe too quick, but he didn’t want to wait any longer, not with those eyes urging him on. He moved them within himself, spreading lube as well as he could, letting himself relax as the slight burn faded into pleasure. In to the second knuckle, his fingers started a predictable rhythm, one that his breath soon matched. Erwin was still staring, and Levi noticed that he’d started stroking the obvious bulge at the front of his slacks.

“Are you going to take your clothes off, or just stare at me like a pervert?” Levi growled, glaring for only a moment before he was again distracted by the building arousal his fingers stoked in himself. Erwin rushed to comply, removing his dress shoes and suit hastily. The awkward display would have been funny if Levi hadn’t been so interested in each part of Erwin’s body as it was revealed. His broad, thickly muscled physique, all golden hair and barely-tanned skin. When Erwin stretched up to his full height, placing his thumbs under the waistband of black boxer briefs, Levi groaned in earnest. He sped up the rhythm of his fingers, settling his other hand into wiry dark hair, wrapping it around the base of his now-hard cock and squeezing gently.

Their eyes locked, and Erwin grinned playfully, removing the last of his clothing.

“Fuck-“ Levi breathed out, eyeing the impressive curve of Erwin’s erect cock standing proudly against his abdomen, “I’m going to need more fingers.” He grumbled. With a pant and a small jerk at his own length Levi stretched the fingers he’d been moving inside himself apart, testing the tightness he felt. Impatient, he slid them out slightly before pressing a third in to join them, stretching himself and leaning back into the sensation.

Erwin was upon him immediately, wrapping a large hand around his neck, placing a thumb on his Adam’s apple and sliding it up the curve of his throat to tilt his head back for a breathless, consuming kiss. Erwin’s other hand found the curve of Levi’s back, pulling them close until Levi could feel the heat of Erwin’s body, the pressure of Erwin’s cock pressing against his stomach. As Erwin sucked at his tongue, grasping with both hands at the muscle and lines of Levi’s back, the feeling of three fingers inside was no longer enough to satisfy.

Levi wanted Erwin, wanted him badly, wanted him now. He stretched his fingers apart, spreading them against tight walls, hoping it would be enough. It had to be, the heat spreading through his body was becoming unbearable. Levi pulled his fingers out, shuddering slightly at the loss and put his arms around the larger man, feeling every part of Erwin’s body he could reach as they rubbed against each other desperately. When their kiss broke, Levi groaned and pushed Erwin away. “I’m ready- I want you.” Erwin nodded, crossing the room to retrieve the things he’d left on the dresser.

Levi stepped backwards until he felt his back touch the coolness of the wall. He relaxed for a moment, watching the muscles in Erwin’s shoulders and arms move where he stood, back turned to Levi, across the room. The light from the lamp was behind him, making his silhouette dark against it. Levi licked his lips, eyes travelling down Erwin’s back and over the curve of his ass. The sight made him impatient, hungry. When Erwin finally turned back around, condom on and ready, Levi would have sworn he’d been staring for an eternity. The heavy look in blue eyes, Erwin’s sure stride, his impressive height when he stood mere inches away, all sent flashes of arousal through Levi’s groin.

Erwin bent to kiss him again, and once their lips had found each other Levi felt Erwin’s hands, large and warm on his body. They ran down his sides, tracing the ridge of hips bones, coming to rest at his waist. Erwin’s fingers dug into his abdomen, lifting him and pressing him against the wall. Levi gasped, arms and legs immediately looping around Erwin, searching for purchase. The strength of Erwin’s grip, the ease with which he’d lifted Levi’s weight, made him feel suddenly much smaller than the other man. Erwin gave a low chuckle, pausing for a moment.

“You look very different this way, Levi.” Erwin murmured. His voice was rough and low, almost taunting. Levi frowned.

“Do I have to tell you again? I’m ready. Come on.” Levi wiggled his hips as well as he could. Erwin took the open invitation, lining the head of his cock up with Levi’s entrance. Levi squirmed as he pressed in, the wall behind offering no control or relief. Erwin paused, halfway in, concern in his eyes.

“Is it okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m. Fine.” Levi panted, willing his body to relax, shifting to get used to the stretch. “Keep going.” Erwin began to move, thrusting shallowly. Three fingers hadn’t been enough. If they’d been Erwin’s fingers…but they hadn’t. Levi closed his eyes, biting his lip until the burn and discomfort faded. Until he could really feel Erwin moving inside him. Until the heavy fullness became a thing he couldn’t get enough of.

“You feel amazing, Levi. Tight. Like you’re pulling me inside.” Erwin groaned as he pressed on.

Levi’s back arched. His hands tugged at Erwin, thighs squeezing, pulling the larger man in quickly. Erwin’s rhythm quickened but his thrusts were too smooth, too controlled. “More, Erwin.” Levi complained. “Deeper. I want it. I want to feel all of you inside me.” At the sound of Levi’s voice, ragged and pleading, Erwin’s composure cracked. Looping his elbows under Levi’s legs, folding him in half, he thrust deep inside, pinning Levi to the wall with each jerk of his hips.

A rush of pleasure flashed through Levi’s body, muscles spasming as the position dragged Erwin’s cock against his prostate. He let out a high, keening sound, breathing sharp pants with each new thrust. He was so full. So hot. Everything tight, every movement amplified by his hunger. Erwin grunted and mouthed at Levi’s neck, his tongue drawing a shiver through Levi’s body. Levi’s nerves buzzed, Erwin pressed in impossibly far, bottoming out, pulling back to repeat the action.

Every press of strong hips against his own drove him into the wall again and again. “Harder” he panted with each thrust. “Harder, Erwin, harder.” His words became a litany. Pleading for more. Repeated into Erwin’s shoulder with each thrust. Fingernails digging into the flesh of Erwin’s back. Rougher, faster. His buzzing nerves flashed taught heat through his groin, through his gut.

Erwin’s motion faltered, the steady, hard pound of Levi’s back against the wall uneven. A large hand moved between them, wrapping around Levi’s swollen length. Levi moaned. Erwin ran a thumb over the weeping slit of his cock, spreading precum. “Fuck. I’m close. I’m so close” He gasped when Erwin’s hand tightened on him, tugging.

“Good, Levi. I want to feel it. I want to feel you come.” Erwin’s hand pumped his cock. The same rhythm in his thrusts. Levi felt the tightness in his belly clench. Erwin’s hand moved. Erwin’s cock pressed in. His muscles tightened. He came with a cry on Erwin’s hand. Fucking him hard through his orgasm, Erwin’s hips stuttered with each clench of Levi’s insides. The rhythm broke and Erwin shuddered in release against him, teeth sinking in where his neck and collarbone met.

When their thrumming nerves had calmed Erwin slid out of Levi and lowered him gently to the floor. Levi tested his weight, letting his legs grow more solid while he leaned against the wall. Erwin moved away, discarding the used condom and wiping Levi’s cum from his hand, before returning. He placed a hand on Levi’s neck, fingers brushing gently over the tender marks his teeth had left.

“I’m- sorry about that. I didn’t mean to…” Erwin trailed off, his fingers travelling along Levi’s collarbone to linger at the dark angry mark he’d made. Levi shook his head, dismissing the words. The fingers stayed, their caresses constant but delicate. Such large fingers, but such a light touch. Levi looked at Erwin and was surprised by the genuine concern he saw written in furrowed brows and serious eyes. Too gentle, too soft, this man was too easy to lose himself in.

Levi reached up, catching Erwin’s hand in his own and lifting his fingers away. He fixed Erwin with a steady look. “It’s nothing. I don’t break easily.” Erwin blinked, opening and closing his mouth before he responded.

“Of course not, I didn’t mean to imply that…” Levi looked down at Erwin’s relaxed hand in his. Erwin fell quiet, watching. Levi turned Erwin’s hand over, looking at the lines of his large palm. The long fingers, thick and capable. He’d imagined them too many times before feeling them, seeing them like this. The thought sent a small thrill trough him, easily stirring his body. He rubbed a thumb over Erwin’s palm, watching the small reflexive movements of Erwin’s fingers. Small reminders of the strength, the power in those hands made his eyes droop.

He brought Erwin’s hand up to his chin, and licked a long path from palm to index finger, tasting his skin and the hint of sweat. Erwin gasped, hand flinching. Levi looked back to Erwin to watch his eyes. He slid Erwin’s index finger slowly into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the top. Erwin’s eyes were locked on his mouth, and Levi’s lips twisted into a wicked grin around the finger. He sucked on the tip noisily, watching Erwin’s face as surprise and arousal fought in his features. The subtle changes in his eyes, the rapt gaze made Levi’s pulse quicken. To have someone look at him like that, want him that obviously, he felt his own skin heat.

Levi opened his mouth, tracing his tongue down, licking at the sensitive web of skin between fingers. He looked at Erwin’s face. His disheveled blonde hair, the color high on his cheekbones, the way he licked his lips. Levi traced his tongue back up and took Erwin’s finger into his mouth all at once, suckling at it. Erwin groaned and the emotions on his face stopped fighting: arousal had won. Levi savored the greedy weight of Erwin’s eyes, his own desire flaring at the sight. It was a thrill, to be the subject of such lust. Levi pulled his mouth away, letting Erwin’s spit-slicked finger come free with a wet noise.

“So, old man. You said it’d been a while. Want to go again?”

Erwin’s breath caught when he opened his mouth to respond. The gravelly, “Yes,” that came from his throat scraped through Levi, reaching inside and enflaming him with its friction. Levi dropped the heavy  hand, and put his hands on Erwin’s chest, pushing him back towards the bed. Erwin let him, a little amusement showing itself in the upturned set of lips at Levi’s insistence. When the backs of Erwin’s thighs met the bed, his arms wrapped around Levi, pulling the man down with him as he sank back onto the comforter.

Levi yelped, arms pinned to his sides, struggling free of the tight embrace. He brought his hands up to grasp Erwin’s face, pulling himself up for a kiss. He fitted his mouth over Erwin’s, darting his tongue over lips until they opened. As they kissed his body relaxed and melted. His eyes closed, focus narrowing to the warmth of their tongues and brush of lips. His legs opened, straddling Erwin. His cock twitched, trapped firmly between them. Erwin’s hands found his ass, the feeling of large fingers spreading his cheeks, kneading the solid muscle made him groan against Erwin’s mouth.

Erwin’s tongue, slippery and thick, probed his mouth. He rubbed himself against Erwin, curving his spine to follow the lines of the warm body beneath him. Their kisses grew sloppy, breaths taken whenever they could manage. Tasting each other. Breathing in each other. Levi responded, pressing down, as Erwin’s hands on his hips and ass pulled him close where he rutted. The stick and slip of sweat-dampened skin and hair coaxed him quickly to full hardness.

Levi took Erwin’s lower lip in his mouth, rolling the plump flesh in his teeth before sucking at it as he pulled away and sat up on Erwin’s abdomen. He tore his eyes from Erwin, looking around the room until he spotted the condoms and lube on the dresser. “Don’t move.” He commanded, pressing a hand into the blonde hair on Erwin’s chest, pushing into the bed for emphasis. He got up and retrieved a condom and the lube. Kneeling on the bed next to Erwin, he opened the thin packet and rolled the condom down over Erwin’s erection. Erwin reached for the lube and Levi batted his hand away.

“I told you not to move, didn’t I? Cut it out.” Levi popped open the bottle, squeezing some onto his fingers before spreading it over Erwin’s cock.

“Don’t you want any help?” Erwin asked, eyes resting on Levi’s hand on his cock before making contact with grey eyes. Levi gave a small snort, snapped the bottle closed, and straddled Erwin. He positioned himself above Erwin’s cock, guiding it between his legs with one hand before sinking down onto it.

“No,” Levi grunted, placing his hands on Erwin’s ribcage and arching into the feeling of fullness, “don’t move.” He rolled his hips, pressing down until his ass met Erwin’s hips. “I want to ride you.” He groaned, fingers digging into firm muscle as he adjusted his position until the angle of Erwin’s cock inside him felt best. “I want to watch you.” Levi added, lifting his hips up. He paused, looking down. Erwin’s chest moved, expanding with a deep breath. Levi let his hips drop, the motion pressing Erwin’s thick cock deep into him and the air out from both of their bodies in a shared rush.

Levi moved, slowly at first, letting his body feel every inch of Erwin. Filling him. Warming him from within. Making his breath labored and thick. Erwin stared up at him, and Levi found himself getting lost in the small details with each slow thrust. The way damp, blonde bangs fell back from Erwin’s forehead. The steady rise and fall of his chest, peppered with blonde hair. The way his mouth fell open ever so slightly, kiss and bite-swollen lips parted. Levi leaned back, pressing down on Erwin’s cock more quickly to feel it scraping his insides. Even now, he couldn’t get enough. He wanted to see Erwin undone. He wanted more.

Moving his hips with a deep roll, Levi increased the pace, letting his thighs bunch and tighten. The change was reflected in Erwin immediately. Levi heard a sharp breath beneath him and a groan of pleasure. Large hands came to rest on his thighs. Fingers wrapped around them, so large they nearly encircled the muscles there.

“You look so perfect, Levi.” Erwin’s voice rumbled through him and Levi shivered as his back arched, the press and drag of Erwin’s cock on his prostate electrifying. Levi continued to move, the rise and fall of his hips drawing gasps and moans from the man below. He looked down, Erwin was still staring. The weight of those eyes on him, their want urging him on, was irresistible. With each deep thrust Erwin filled Levi with heat. With each deep thrust Erwin murmured small words of praise, his hands squeezing Levi’s thighs, fingers rubbing tight circles into solid flesh.

The sight of the man below was too much, the words reaching his ears too soft and gentle. He wanted more. Levi squirmed slightly before he quickened his pace once again. Leaning back further, reaching back to support himself, Levi moved in earnest. Erwin’s voice rose, his words becoming a refrain of yes, more, perfect, and Levi as his cock pressed into Levi’s ass over and over. Until Levi’s groin was tight with desire. Until his voice joined Erwin’s with loud, wordless moans and whines. Until his own cock slapped lewdly against his abdomen with each harsh thrust.

Levi cried out in pleasure, head thrown back, throat squeezing, when Erwin’s hips moved beneath him, coming up to meet him. The unexpected thrust gave way to a perfect complement as they moved together. From the look on Erwin’s face- heavy lidded eyes staring at him from beneath blonde lashes, Levi knew he wouldn’t last much longer. He lifted one hand from behind himself and wrapped it around his hard cock, stroking himself in time with their shared motion.

The warmth in his lower body spread throughout Levi, his skin burning where their bodies met. It was no longer clear: whether Levi was fucking himself on Erwin or whether Erwin was fucking into him. It no longer mattered, as Erwin’s words encircled him. It no longer mattered as their movements grew to a fever pitch, as the dull ache of pleasure in Levi became a searing rush with each tug of his hand, each time Erwin’s cock filled him. Each movement brought him closer. Each meeting of hips knocked the breath from his lungs. Each word falling from Erwin’s lips was absorbed by sight alone as his own cries drowned them out. The tightness inside him threatened to break with every tiny movement, each passing second longer than the last.

He felt Erwin’s body stiffen, saw the bliss wash over his face, and read rather than heard the word Erwin cried out in release as his fingers dug in punishingly.

“Levi.”

Levi blinked, his body clenching, the knot inside him breaking. He came, sinking down one last time. Burying Erwin within him, the last of his pleasure washing over him as his body spasmed. The picture of Erwin’s face was etched into his mind. The shape of his lips, the slightest of sounds. “Levi.” His name. From this man. From those lips.

For a moment the world around them grew quiet, distant and irrelevant.

Suddenly it was all too much. Levi shook his head, clearing it of the satisfied haze. The messy reality of his own spunk, dripping down his stomach, hand, and cock brought him back to reality. He lifted his hips, letting Erwin’s softening cock slip from him as he wrinkled is nose. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Erwin smiled up at him: sated and lazy. “I want you down here.” He murmured, motioning Levi forward for an embrace. “I want to hold you.”

Levi frowned. He swung himself off of Erwin and moved off the bed. Hands on hips, he looked at the man he’d just finished fucking. Erwin turned onto his side to face him, propping his head on one arm.

“I’m taking a shower. I feel filthy.” Erwin’s brows lowered slightly at the sharp words, but he nodded and motioned vaguely in the direction of the bathroom.

“Okay. There’s a clean towel on the door.” Levi nodded, heading towards the bathroom. “I’ll join you.” Erwin added, and Levi turned to see him sitting on the edge of the bed. With one hand raised and another shake of dark bangs Levi stopped him.

“Don’t bother. I won’t take long.”

Erwin’s face fell.

“But, I would like to join you.”

“I already said ‘no’.” The slamming of the bathroom door behind Levi finalized the statement, leaving no room for argument.

Levi showered quickly, washing himself automatically. Hardly feeling the water against his skin. His mind was elsewhere.

His name.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

He turned off the water and stepped from the shower. There was a towel hung on the back of the door. Levi dried himself and exited the bathroom as quickly as he’d entered, heading directly for his boots and clothing. He didn’t look at Erwin. He didn’t need to, he could feel Erwin’s eyes on him.

He dressed, back turned towards the other man. Erwin stared, but, mercifully, said nothing. Levi laced his boots, adjusted his leather jacket, and threw one last look over his shoulder.

“You’re not staying, Levi?” Erwin asked. His voice was so small, so hesitant to come from such a large man.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Erwin wasn’t supposed to look at him like this, like he was still desirable, still special. Erwin wasn’t supposed to have such terribly sad eyes. Hearing his name spoken by those lips, almost a plea, it was too much.

Levi shook his head. “No. This is what you wanted, right?” He murmured, as he exited the room. He was still shaking his head as he crossed the dark living room and left the apartment for good.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

Yes, Erwin knew his name. But he’d made no demands, issued no orders, he’d asked Levi for nothing. Only given.

Erwin wasn’t supposed to look at him with those eyes.

Like he was hurt. Like he cared. Like it was Levi’s fault. Like Levi was the one playing these dangerous games.

He’d had Erwin. That was it. It was all he’d wanted. All he could allow.

So, then, why did it feel so wrong?

Chapter Text

The next morning Erwin woke- cold, empty. It was Friday and he had to go to work. He stumbled into the bathroom and heaved a long sigh, staring at his own reflection in the mirror. He looked tired, his hair mussed from sleeping on it wet. He ran a hand down his face, hoping that it might change things, might make the man looking back at him less pathetic.

Something caught his eye. It was the towel on the back of the door. The one Levi had used. Erwin turned away from the mirror to stare at it. His fingers absently brushed the terrycloth. It was already dry. Erwin wondered, for a moment, what it would smell like. After only one use, would it smell like Levi?

What did Levi even smell like?

He couldn’t remember.

Or maybe he hadn’t noticed. His fingers closed on the towel automatically, gripping tight. He should have paid more attention. He shouldn’t have let things go this way. It had been too long; he’d forgotten how to do this properly. Erwin let go of the towel.

It was Friday, he had to go to work, and he couldn’t remember what Levi smelled like anyway.

Outside, freezing rain fell.

Nothing happened that weekend. Nothing happened that week. Dark clouds hung low over the city and the weather worsened. It rained. It froze. Some days it did both. The errands didn’t get done. The train was late. Erwin spent a lot of time at work; he found it both boring and exhausting. His sleep was troubled.

The strange dreams returned. The dreams with Levi. Where Levi kissed him roughly, breathing in his air, breathing it out again, so frigid he could see it. Cold rooted him to the spot as fingers made of ice travelled over his body.

The dreams where Levi wanted him.

It was so much worse now that he knew, beyond a doubt, that Levi didn’t. It was worse now that he’d kissed those lips, felt the heat of Levi’s skin pressed to his. Before, the cold dream apparitions had been terrifying and exciting. Now, they were simply painful, a cheap imitation of the real thing.

Still, he couldn’t shake the deep unease they created. His sleep was restless, he tossed and turned through the night. He would wake early, shivering and sweaty, tangled in blankets. Head full of rolling clouds and thunder. He’d shower, spending too long under the hot water. Trying to rid himself of the lingering dread the dreams left. Trying to rid himself of the unavoidable erection, evidence of his body’s betrayal.

It was only when one of his coworkers, still young enough to be unafraid of speaking their mind, asked whether he was feeling okay, that Erwin realized how much the lack of sleep was wearing on him. He needed to do something to quell the unwanted visions of the night.

Erwin took the cough medicine before going to bed. It wasn’t a permanent solution, but it didn’t have to be either. He only needed a little time. At least until he could find his stride again at work. If he couldn’t stop thinking of Levi in his waking moments, at least he could be free of Levi in his sleep.

The weather continued to be cold, dreary, and the shortening days did nothing to ease the season’s change that had already begun. It was a dangerous time of year. The holidays were swift approaching and it was becoming more and more difficult to spend time outdoors. But Erwin had been here before, and he knew what he needed to do. As disappointing as Levi’s rejection had been, it was still nothing compared to what he’d already endured. Erwin steeled himself, focusing instead on the small actions he could take. To savor the vanishing daylight, Erwin took to spending his lunch hour outside the office.

Rain or shine he walked, drank coffee, visited the small cafes near his workplace. It wasn’t much, but at the very least the exercise did him good. Especially now that his regular gym visits had turned into occasional ones. It was comforting to blend into the crowds, losing himself in the lunchtime hustle and rush of bodies. To be just another cog in the machine keeping the city thrumming, one more drop of blood flowing down the streets that were its veins. The familiar fronts of skyscrapers and the little squat shops crowded in between them made his pacing walks hypnotic.

Sometimes he’d go all the way to the train station, or the lakefront. Sometimes he’s walk to the busiest bus stop in the world. The one just on the safe side of the concrete barriers separating the busway from the fat pulsing highway that ran through the city’s heart. Watching the cars fly by, so close, was a strange rush. The heavy scent of gasoline, thick benzene and hydrocarbons, coated his senses.

Near the end of the week Erwin found himself walking by the river, investigating the newly-constructed concrete path along its edge. It was the wrong season for such an exposed route, and the crowds of the streets above were nearly absent. He sipped his coffee, pausing under a bridge. Cars passed overhead, the metal plates of the drawbridge clanking and groaning under them. The coffee was bitter, but hot. His fingers wrapped around the paper cup for warmth. It was getting to be cold enough that he should be wearing gloves, maybe a scarf too.

The water moved gently. Grey as slate, it took on the same color as the low-hanging sky above. He stepped closer to the edge of the path until the toes of his dress shoes were barely an inch from the corrugated metal holding the concrete in place. He looked down, wondering how deep the river was here, so close to its destination. The murky waters offered no hint as to their depths, the flat shade of grey unchanging. Water lapped at the metal below. Its small sounds were only audible in the spaces between, when the banging of the bridge above ceased between traffic lights.

As Erwin stared the water rose and fell in small waves, combining and canceling without pattern or reason. Their irregularity was calming. There was no rush here, no false urgency. Erwin wondered why he hadn’t spent more time by the river. It was not as striking as the lake, but its smaller scale felt more accessible and welcoming. Its slate-grey waters were not as impersonal, the way it snaked and tangled through bridges, by buildings, making it more a part of the city than the nearby lake that served as a border. The lake was a boundary; the river, a path.

Its surface moved, reflecting nothing but the indistinct dark forms of buildings. Erwin’s coffee was growing cold. He was about to head back to the office when an unexpected motion caught his eye. Ripples spread from the center of the water, it’s surface disturbed by something beneath. They travelled out in small waves, made by quick motion below. Erwin squinted, peering into the opaque water.

A glint of silver, a flash of green. The water’s surface was disturbed slightly, something thin slicing its surface and pushing the water ahead of it into rolling peaks.

Erwin blinked. Was he seeing a fish? No, it was much too large to be a fish. The ridge ran down the center of the river, a wavy line that moved with the creature’s motion. Twenty feet- more, perhaps thirty in length. Whatever it was passed below the water’s surface, twisting back upon itself as it moved through the thick river water. Glints of silver, pale and ghostly in the darkness, outlined its long form. At each turn of its body Erwin could almost make it out. But not quite. The impression of scales, flecks of green and blue, the sinewy strength of a long snake-like body. Cutting through the water, making its surface into ripples and waves that flowed and mixed.

The creature continued to move, circling back on itself, whipping the currents into frothing eddies where it turned. Never fully breaking the surface, its fins only barely touched the air. With a snap of its long, pale body the creature came to rest, pausing. It hung below the surface, and its form took on a describable shape. A thick, long body, how thick was impossible to tell. Pale and scaled, tapered on one end in a long tail. Fins ran down its top at intervals, grey-green tips barely breaking the water’s surface. Its head was huge, but before Erwin could make out any more than its monstrous shape it was gone. Sinking back into the depths of the river, the fins submerged. They vanished, leaving no trace but the slight disturbance of the water, fading as it spread.

Erwin continued to stare until he could no longer see anything moving in the water. He shook his head, noticing how cold his hand had gotten where it clutched the cooling coffee cup. Finishing his now-cold drink, he scanned the river. Nothing. No patterns, nothing breaking its thick, dark surface. All he saw were the wavy shadows of the bridge above, the buildings on either side. No pale, silvery creature, nothing in the deep. Perhaps there had been nothing to begin with.

Looking from side to side, Erwin scanned the area. There was no one else staring into the river, no one seemed to have noticed a thing. Taking a deep breath he collected his thoughts. If no one else had noticed, there was no reason he should be alarmed. He couldn’t possibly be the only person to see a thing so large. Perhaps there hadn’t been anything after all. It was true, he was sleeping more easily, but that didn’t mean that the cough medicine had no side effects. This could all be a hallucination. Erwin frowned and stared at his coffee cup. All this caffeine probably wasn’t helping. Making him see strange things.

Memories flashed into focus: the woman with impossibly blue eyes, the bar, the strange banging in the subway, the bar. Things that didn’t exist. Until they did. A tightness started to throb behind Erwin’s eyes, the beginnings of a headache. Erwin stepped back from the water, turning his back on the river.

This wasn’t real and he wasn’t going to accept it.

He was just tired. Just stressed. Just upset, for fuck’s sake.

He hurried back to the safety of the office, for once eager to be back under the fluorescent lights.

That evening Erwin got home late and ate a dinner of eggs and toast while sitting on the couch. It wasn’t exciting, but it was comforting. And it was boringly normal. Perfect after the strange events of the day. He turned on the TV, scanning through the shows until he found something he’d heard his coworkers mention. Halfway through the first episode Erwin paused the program and sank back onto the couch. This show was dramatic, everyone yelling at each other and rushing everywhere. It wasn’t what he wanted.

He got up, depositing his dirty plate in the sink and locating a clean bowl and spoon. Erwin fished in the freezer, pushing instant meals aside until he located what he’d been looking for: ice cream. He opened the tub- it was a bit old but there was still some left in the bottom, covered in a fuzz of little ice crystals. Erwin spooned the peanut butter ice cream into his bowl and hoped it hadn’t expired before he slouched back over to the couch. He went back through the shows, finally settling on a documentary about colonial New England. Pressing play, he popped some ice cream in his mouth. It didn’t taste expired. Erwin settled into the couch, stretching his body out on it until he was lying comfortably. He ate the ice cream slowly, only half paying attention to the soothing voice of the narrator.

They kept showing long, panning shots of desolate coastal landscapes. People in reproduction villages and funny peaked hats. Erwin shifted, glad for the warm ease of his well-worn sweatpants and t-shirt. He’d had the foresight to crank up the heat in the apartment when he got home, and the bleak early-winter weather was feeling farther and farther away as he finished his ice cream and relaxed. When the narrator started discussing the finer points of the political loyalties among the colonists Erwin felt himself nodding off and faded into sleep.

Erwin’s dreams returned that night. They crept up on him as he tossed and turned on the couch, ambushing him unaware. This time he wasn’t in the bar but in his apartment. It was strikingly similar to the night he’d taken Levi home. The lights were off. He stood in the entryway, Levi in front of him. Levi reached out, grabbing his shirt, pulling him down until their lips met. The same slight awkwardness created by two eager mouths, the same bump of noses. But so, so cold. Erwin’s heart beat fast, Levi’s presence filling his senses. Hungry and desperate and so, so cold. He hung onto Erwin, pressing his body close. The clothing between them felt like nothing as the chill seeped into Erwin’s bones.

He tried to pull back, to break away. But he couldn’t, Levi’s hands had caught him, arms trapped him. The warmth fled his body, sucked away by Levi’s mouth, coaxed from him by Levi’s tongue. He wanted to push the smaller man away, but Levi was too strong. His grip was steel and ice, and his eyes were open. Finally, their kiss broke. Erwin shivered, staring down into Levi’s flat dark eyes.

Levi’s lips curled into a wicked grin. He opened his mouth and Erwin gasped at the sight of bright, sharp teeth. So, so many teeth. Far more than a human mouth could hold. Erwin tried to yell, he tried to run. His throat was frozen shut. His legs were numb. They did not obey his commands. Levi licked his lips, a blood-red tongue flicking out too quickly. With a low chuckle Levi reared forward, teeth sinking deep into Erwin’s shoulder, devouring him.

Erwin awoke with a start.

His heart pounded out of his chest, and for a moment he felt relief wash over him. The dream was gone. He was awake.

But, something was terribly wrong.

He couldn’t feel his legs or arms. Everything was disconnected. Dead. Like he had woken up dead. There was no sensation of heat or cold, no tingle of limbs that had fallen asleep. There was nothing, no signals coming back for him to process. Yet, his body was still intact, some deep animal part of his brain aware of its heartbeat. His chest was heavy, he could breath, but only barely. Some weight was pushing down on him, settled onto his chest and abdomen. And he couldn’t fight. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t even cry out.

Erwin willed his eyes open. Struggling to lift a great weight, they dragged open slowly. He looked around wildly before his eyes settled quickly on the source of the weight he’d been feeling. There, perched on his chest, sat something. Something ominous, something cold. Something oddly familiar. The thing from his dreams. In the waking world it was impossible to see how he had mistaken it for Levi. It was far too small, far too pointed, monstrous, and dark to pass for the man whose image he couldn’t shake. Not-Levi was gruesome, all bulging eyes and sharp-clawed fingers. Not-Levi stared and growled, noticing Erwin’s gaze. It hunched, heavy and dark, its weight compressing his ribcage. It moved closer to his face and panic flowed through Erwin’s immobile body.

His heart hammered, making his breathing labored and quick. His eyes darted around searching for something else to latch onto, something to disprove the monster before him. In his mind Erwin thrashed. Throwing his arms up to protect his face. Kicking his legs to throw the thing off. In his mind Erwin struggled wildly. But his body refused to move, weighed down and disconnected. Unresponsive and foreign, a distant reality just beyond perception.

Just before the thing could touch him, sensation flowed back. Erwin blinked and rolled onto his side, suddenly able to gasp for air. He coughed, choking briefly on nothing, his body curling defensively into itself. When he got ahold of his racing pulse and unwound his tight muscles he looked around once again, searching for the monster.

It was gone.

There was nothing in the room but him, a dirty ice cream bowl, and the flickering of the television. Erwin let out a low groan and cursed under his breath. The dreams had been bad enough, this was something else entirely. He really was losing his grip on reality.

Chapter Text

Sunday and Erwin’s regular lunch with Mike couldn’t come soon enough. After the initial shock of his rude awakening, Erwin had spent the morning at work searching the internet for something to explain what he’d seen. It had turned out that the internet, as usual, had answers. Sleep paralysis- apparently it happened to people when they were waking or about to fall asleep. Not being able to move, feeling a weight on the chest, hallucinations. They were all a part of it. There was no known cause either, supposedly it was a relatively common occurrence. Disturbing, but at least he wasn’t going insane. It didn’t explain the dreams, but they had only returned the once- when Erwin forgot to take anything to help him sleep.

He hadn’t forgotten since.

The morning was cold, and the warm interior of the café was a welcome change as Erwin sat down across from Mike.

“Erwin, how are you?” Mike asked, turning the menu card over and over even though Erwin knew they always ordered the same things.

“Fine.” Erwin answered.

Mike looked up from the menu, sniffing slightly. Light eyes narrowing, he looked at Erwin’s face. A tired sigh escaped Erwin as he shifted uncomfortably under Mike’s gaze.

“Fine? You look tired.” Mike pointed out, tilting his head to the side and waiting for an explanation. Erwin sighed again. He appreciated that Mike was concerned about him, he was probably the only person who was. But, it was frustrating sometimes, being treated like he was so delicate. The sleep paralysis had been frightening, but it wasn’t  big deal after all. Nothing worth getting his friend upset over. Still, Mike had his best interests in mind, and it wasn’t as though he wanted to drive his friends away. This was one thing he couldn’t afford to mess up.

“Well, not great. But you know how things get at this time of year. With the holidays.”

Mike nodded. “Yeah, it’s a stressful time for everyone.” He grew quiet. The moment stretched between them. Something unsaid but hinted began to draw closer. The waitress arrived and they both placed orders for coffee and sandwiches. Still, Mike remained quiet, thinking. Erwin wondered if he’d voice what was surely on his mind.

“Are you thinking about Marie?” Mike asked.

There it was. Erwin felt the tension in his shoulders ease as he let his weight settle back into the chair.

“I know with the holidays it’s hard not to think about family like that.” Mike persisted.

“Family?”

“Well, essentially. Loved ones. Don’t beat yourself up, Erwin. She’s gone. But, she wouldn’t want you to mope around like this. Especially not now, Marie loved the holiday season.” Mike looked at him, concern written in his features. He leaned closer, trying to read Erwin’s expression. “Are you at least spending Thanksgiving with Hanji and Moblit this year?” Erwin nodded, Hanji had invited him to their house every year since Marie had passed away and he’d finally felt lonely enough this year to take them up on the offer.

“Yes, I decided to go this year.”

“Good.” Mike answered as their coffee and food arrived. He dug into his sandwich immediately, continuing their conversation around bits of tomato and ham. “I’m sure that will be better than being alone- I don’t know how you did it before, working from home on Thanksgiving. Besides, I hear Moblit is a pretty good cook and Hanji is always lively company.”

Erwin snorted, the image of Hanji and Moblit preparing Thanksgiving dinner was too ridiculous not to. If two people were ever more unequipped to host the holiday Erwin would be surprised. Hanji was a disaster in the kitchen, their cooking much more like an experiment than actual food. Moblit, on the other hand, was an excellent cook, but he was from Belarus and had probably never eaten a single bite of sweet potato pie or green bean casserole. It would be an interesting day to say the least.

“I’m sure it will be an interesting Thanksgiving.” Erwin sipped hot black coffee and began eating his sandwich. “I guess I do have some news though.” Erwin added between bites.

“Oh?” Mike sounded intrigued, enough that Erwin knew he had to continue.

“Yeah. I went on a date. I guess.”

Mike stopped chewing. He blinked and swallowed his food.

“You guess? With who? I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”

“The guy I told you about last time.”

“The one who wasn’t interested?”

Erwin gave a weak nod in response. Mike took another bite, chewing slowly. “So he was interested, after all? Does this guy have a name at least?”

Erwin nodded again. “Yeah, his name is-” Erwin paused. Something was nagging at him. A strange tug at his mind, turning him slightly off course. “Lee. His name is Lee.” He finished, the lie slipping out before he could even think about why it had.

“So,” Mike was back in his element, slowly pushing the information from Erwin, “what is Lee like? What was this date like? Wait, first, what is going on- he wasn’t interested but then he went out with you?”

Erwin brought a hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes. Mike was asking the right questions, he always was. The trouble was that Erwin wasn’t sure how to answer those questions. If he was, he’d be having a very different conversation with Mike.

“Lee is confusing, that’s what he’s like. I didn’t think he was interested but I kept texting him and he agreed to go out for drinks with me.”

Mike had finished his sandwich and was staring at Erwin. Under the critical eye of his friend, Erwin flinched. “Erwin,” Mike’s voice was low and serious, “I’m telling you this as your best friend. You might be coming on a little too strong. You can’t just harass guys until they agree to go out with you. I could be reading this all wrong, but the way you’re telling it isn’t very encouraging.”

The dark surface of Erwin’s coffee was surprisingly still and calm. He stared at it, contemplating Mike’s words. He was confirming what Erwin had been afraid of. He’d messed it up. It was his fault. He’d pressured Levi into something the other man didn’t want.

Still, had that been all there was to it? Had it just been a one-sided delusion? Erwin remembered Levi’s sharp gaze, his sparse words. The way he moved, all strength and assurance. His face, the contrast of straight dark hair against pale pointed features. He remembered how they’d kissed in his apartment, how good and right it had felt in the moment. He remembered Levi’s voice, loud and passionate, straddling his hips as they moved together. Erwin felt a flicker of desire light within at the thought.

Then, he remembered Levi’s words, chilling, heavy as lead, from lips he’d tasted not long before, “This is what you wanted, right?” The desire died, snuffed out immediately by his shame. What had he done?

He let the thoughts slip away, releasing them reluctantly. Whether it had been anything more than lust on Levi’s part was irrelevant now. He’d already lost. He should move on.

“It doesn’t matter, I think I ruined it anyway. I don’t expect that he’ll speak to me again.” Mike continued to stare even after Erwin’s answer, but he didn’t ask for more explanation. They finished their food quietly, tiptoeing skillfully around Erwin’s unpleasant admissions. Instead they discussed Mike’s wedding. It was coming up soon, sometime in the new year, and it sounded like Nanaba was starting to feel the weight of a million tiny decisions.

Before Mike left he took a deep breath, as though steeling himself to say something more.

“You know, Erwin,” he began, “therapy seemed to really be helping you before, after Marie’s death. I don’t want to push you to do anything you don’t want to, but it seems like you’ve had it rough recently with this guy, Lee, and everything. Maybe it would be a good idea to try that again, even if it’s just for the next few months. To get you through the holidays.”

Erwin gave a mild smile and nodded. It wasn’t a bad suggestion. A therapist would probably help him sort out his feelings regarding Levi, and it always helped to have someone to talk to about Marie. That would be fine, but there were plenty of other things he didn’t think they’d be able to help him with. At best they’d listen passively and at worst they’d think he was going insane. A therapist wouldn’t be able to help him with the dreams. With the strange things he kept seeing- things that weren’t there. Until they were.

Monday evening Erwin walked from the train station to his apartment slowly. It was a cold day, the wet autumn rain and wind having given way. The air was dry: brittle and sharp. Still, dark clouds hung low overhead. In the evening they blotted out the stars, staining the sky a with the dull brown-orange glow of reflected light from the city below. A heavy, ugly look, one where the outlines of buildings were dark shadowy cutouts against the sickly sky.

His black dress shoes ticked on the sidewalk. Erwin shivered, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck and shoving his hands deeper into the pockets of his overcoat. He peered down the alleys as he passed them. Rusting fire escapes hung, suspended treacherously above the black plastic tops of dumpsters. Puddles of darkness swallowed up the dumpster wheels, seeping around the edges and settling in grimy potholes. On nights like this Erwin was glad for the wind, keeping everything from being too still, too settled and stagnant.

A block from his building Erwin peered down a grimy alley. The streetlights were burnt out- only a single one flickered and buzzed intermittently at the other end of the block. Without their electric glow the alley settled into its natural state, the blackness of night preserved in this small corner of the city.

In the dark he saw something flash- two small somethings. He paused, squinting into the night. His eyes scanned aimlessly, focusing on nothing out of the ordinary. Erwin was about to turn back when he noticed it again- two green spots. Reflective, lit from within. They looked like the eyes of a cat or dog.

But the distance they were down the alley, how they were set in space, felt wrong. They were high, and wide. Much larger than a cat, larger than most dogs. Erwin leaned forward, trying to make out the big dog’s shape in the gloom. It stood, unmoving, in shadow- shadow over and over from the buildings pressing in on either side, the burnt out lights, the dumpster, the night.

Erwin frowned and looked away. He hurried down the sidewalk, careful not to look back or to either side. It was a large dog to be out at night alone. People should be more careful with their animals. Or maybe it had been a coyote? Erwin had heard that there were more and more in the city recently, lured from surrounding areas by the promise of house pets and garbage, both easy prey. It was probably a coyote, in which case the last thing Erwin needed as to get bitten by some wild animal.

When Erwin reached his building he looked around briefly, checking to see if the coyote was anywhere near. It wasn’t. Unsettled but reassured, Erwin headed in.

The next evening Erwin found it much harder to hurry home quickly. He was tired, it had been a long day, and Levi was weighing on his mind. He may have decided to move on, but it wasn’t that simple. It never was. Somehow, every little thing had reminded him of his own personal failings, his doubts, his guilt.

He’d overheard a colleague at work talking about a particularly unpleasant blind date and cringed internally. That had been him, he’d made Levi go on that date. He’d dragged Levi into it. How? He wasn’t certain, but he knew he had nonetheless. He’d been the reason Levi had said those words, “This is what you wanted, right?” It wasn’t all, but that was a moot point. The damage was done.

Erwin had stewed in it all day. Replaying the scenarios in his mind, poring over every tiny mistake, analyzing every reaction. Until they became so distant from his experience that they were no longer recognizable. Until they were as flat and grey as everything else. His mood grower darker and darker as the sky above grew heavier and dusk fell.

By the time Erwin left work he was exhausted and slouched his way to the train, barely paying any attention to his surroundings. Levi hated him. He had made Levi hate him. He waited on the wind-whipped elevated platform, staring down at the street below. A pale, dark-haired man passed by on the sidewalk and Erwin’s eyes followed him instinctively. He wasn’t Levi. Good. Levi hated him.

The train came and went. Without Erwin. Instead, he stood, growing colder, brows knitted in silent frustration. Lost in his own thoughts. Trapped in an endless cycle, picking painfully through his memories.

Another train arrived, opening its doors and spitting a few disoriented-looking pedestrians onto the platform. They hurried on their way and the doors chimed, the recorded man’s voice intoning the familiar “Doors closing”. Three teens rushed by, jostling Erwin in their hurry to catch the train. The bump snapped Erwin out of his reverie. He blinked, shook his head, and stuck his arm out, making the automatic door open even as it chimed, and forcing his way on.

Temporarily distracted from his thoughts, Erwin managed to get off the train at the correct stop. He walked down the familiar streets, winding from one lit circle to the next, eyes catching on broken glass and cracks in the sidewalk. A few blocks from his apartment his steps grew heavier. What was he going home for anyway? It’s not as though anything was waiting for him there either.

Nothing but a freezer full of microwavable meals. He probably didn’t even have any beer left. He couldn’t remember. Erwin’s feet dragged. His focus wavered and he found his meandering steps drawn to the right more and more. Buildings passed, slowly, then slower, until Erwin’s progress halted entirely. He turned, looking to the side, away from the street. Down the alley. Dark, a single streetlight flickering at its other end. It pulsed, a spastic message in broken Morse code. Blink. Stop. Fast flicker. Blink. Stop. Stop. Its light swallowed by the shadow of the alley below.

Erwin took a step forward, toward the alley. The toe of his shoe landed outside the glow of the streetlights on the sidewalk, in the blackness of the alley’s reach. He froze. Eyes in the dark- green. They were mesmerizing- such a vivid tone against the nothingness all around. The blinking streetlight buzzed frantically. Erwin stared, captivated by the large dog’s eyes. There was no doubt, they were the ones he’d seen the day before. Now that he looked, they were quite high. It was a very large dog- bigger than he’d thought a coyote would be.

The eyes moved, approaching slowly. Erwin’s breath caught in his throat. He looked into those eyes, and they returned his gaze. They looked back. A shiver travelled through him, the hair on the back of his neck stood up. His heartbeat grew more urgent in his chest. The eyes grew closer. As they did, Erwin could hear their owner. Its feet made no sound, as silent as they were invisible in the dim alley. Instead, a low growl came from it. Rusty and deep. The sound made his hackles rise, Erwin’s body responding to its threat instinctively. It approached, and the growl grew louder. It scraped over his ears, a thick, dangerous warning.

Erwin’s phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him. Erwin’s toe pulled back from the shadow and the tightness of his muscles released all at once. He turned away from the alley, away from the eyes, and ran. His feet pounded on the hard concrete. Erwin could hear the growl behind him. It wasn’t fading, but growing louder. Closer. Desperately, Erwin pushed himself harder. He pumped his arms. Willed his legs to turn over more quickly. The growls and snarls hounded at his heels, spurring him on. He ran faster than he’d ever remembered running before.

Reaching the door of his apartment building, Erwin wrenched it open and slammed it shut behind him. He collapsed with his back against it, leaning heavily and clutching his chest. His lungs burned. He gasped for breath, forcing air into his lungs. His pulse hammered, pounding in his head and legs. Letting his gulps turn into deep breaths and fade to a more even rhythm, Erwin relaxed. He turned, looking over his shoulder and out the glass pane of the door.

There was nothing there. Just the street he lived on. Just the glow of streetlights. Just the ordinary- silent forms of parked cars resting for the night, a discarded chip bag crumpled in the gutter. No eyes. No growling.

Erwin remembered his phone and dug it out of his pocket as he stepped into the elevator and pressed the call button for his floor. It was Hanji. They had texted him details about Thanksgiving and called him. He checked the messages. He was supposed to bring a side dish. He looked to see if Hanji had left a voice message- no such luck. He’d have to call them back later.

Thumbing through his messages, Erwin’s eyes landed on the last one he’d sent. It was to Levi. The elevator pinged and Erwin got off on his floor, walking down the hallway. He opened the message thread. He shouldn’t text Levi. What did he have to say to him anyway? It’s not as though Levi cared anyway, he certainly wouldn’t want to hear from Erwin again.

Erwin reached his door and slid jangling keys into the lock, pushing it open as he stared at his phone. Even though Levi wouldn’t respond, the urge to text him was strong. Maybe it was his recent slump. Maybe it was the dreams that drove him to seek the dead, blank sleep induced by grape-flavored cough syrup. Maybe it was the green eyes, the growls and feet following him. The hammering of his heart out of his chest. The brush with death.

Erwin’s fingers poked out a text on the phone. He stared at it. He deleted it and started over. On the third try he was satisfied and sent the message: I’m sorry for the way I acted. I’m tired of being chased by shadows, I hope you’ll forgive me so I’m not also chased by guilt.

Sliding the phone back into his pocket Erwin removed his shoes and overcoat, and placed his shoulder bag on the floor. He loosened his tie, popping the top buttons of his shirt open and drawing in a deep breath. Despite the lingering nerves he felt better, some weight lifted. He opened the refrigerator, grabbing a can of beer and staring at its other contents. Mustard, salsa, eggs, and a bag of apples. He was going to have to go shopping tomorrow if he wanted to bring something to Hanji and Moblit’s Thanksgiving.

Erwin popped the tab on the beer and a satisfying hiss escaped the can. He took a deep drink, the cool liquid soothing his raw throat. His phone buzzed in his pocket and Erwin pulled it out, accepting the call without looking at the number.

“Hello Hanji, I’m sorry I missed your call earlier, I was just about to return it actually.” Erwin answered.

“Erwin, this is Levi.”

Erwin froze mid-swallow and coughed as beer went down the wrong tube.

“L-Levi?” Erwin sputtered, barely recovered from his surprise.

“Yes. You just texted me. About shadows.” Levi’s voice was clipped, terse and serious. “This may sound crazy, but I need you to be honest. Have you seen anything strange recently?”

Erwin turned the words over in his mind. Levi didn’t sound angry. In fact, if Erwin didn’t know better he’d have thought the man sounded concerned. After a pause Erwin answered quietly.

“Yes.”

Another pause. Levi’s silence was heavy, pregnant with meaning.

“We need to talk, Erwin. In person. As soon as possible.”

Erwin swallowed, his throat suddenly as dry as it had been after the earlier chase. He nodded. Then, realizing Levi couldn’t see him, agreed. They exchanged short responses- arranging to meet the next day at a coffee shop when Erwin finished work. After Erwin said goodbye the meaningful pause reappeared. When Levi finally spoke his voice was softer than Erwin had ever heard it, tinged with a low lilt that sounded almost like regret.

“Erwin, about your text. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

Levi ended the call, leaving Erwin standing in the kitchen, dazed.

Chapter Text

Amidst overstuffed couches and low end tables Levi stalked to the farthest corner of the café, depositing his mug of tea with an audible click. He settled into the far end of a couch, adjusting his position several times as the furniture continued to give way beneath him. He sank down another couple of inches. He’d probably never be able to stand up from this fucking thing. Looking around the café he kept an eye on the door. For Erwin. Or whoever else might come in. Whatever else.

He didn’t regret agreeing to meet with Erwin again. The circumstances were dire and he owed the man that much. At least. But this fucking café. Levi was kicking himself internally for letting Erwin choose their meeting place again. The man had ridiculous taste. He could barely get to his table without bumping into someone’s sleek, new laptop or tripping over a pair of skinny-jean clad legs ending in absurd brightly-colored socks and leather tie-shoes. Why Erwin would frequent such desperately hip places was beyond him. Shifting in the overstuffed chair, his eyes caught on the bit of pale knee visible through a new hole in his black jeans. His fingers picked idly at the feathery edges of fraying fabric around the tear. He sniffed his tea, breathing in what turned out to be a pleasant warmth. For this kind of money though, Levi thought, it had better taste like the Pope’s piss.

He took a sip. Dark, strong, with faint hints of bergamot and almond. They made a decent cup of tea. He settled into the chair, letting the aromatic steam wreath his head. Taking small sips, letting the warm liquid linger on his tongue, Levi began to find the café more tolerable. He kept his eyes trained on the door.

Erwin was easy to spot even before the door opened with a tinkling chime. His perfect, too-bright blonde hair shone, not a single strand out of place. A smart wool overcoat, a different, navy blue suit today. He entered the café, pulling off dark leather gloves and scanning the tables until he spotted Levi in the corner. Giving a slight nod of acknowledgement he stepped up to the counter to place his drink order. Levi stared at his profile then switched abruptly to gazing out of the large front windows, trying not to think about Erwin’s buttoned-up appearance and how he looked even better unbuttoned. It wasn’t really the right time or place for those thoughts. Levi had come here for something much more important.

It wasn’t long before a tall white mug was set down near his own on the small table. Erwin joined him on the couch, carefully leaving a respectable distance between them. He looked perfectly at-home on slouchy cushions, sipping the foam from his latte.

“Levi” He said, a simple greeting.

Erwin’s voice was stiffer, more reserved than he’d remembered, and Levi cringed inwardly. He didn’t blame Erwin for being distant. Not after their last meeting. Pushing the last image of Erwin’s face from his mind, the hurt expression that had slowly wheedled itself under his skin over the passing days, Levi remembered what he was here for. Erwin had texted him. Something was wrong. Something he’d feared.

“Erwin.” Levi answered. Erwin said nothing, waiting for him to continue. There was really no point in beating round the bush. “You said you’ve seen strange things recently. What things?”

Erwin’s back straightened slightly, his posture on the couch growing more rigid. “I don’t really know where to begin…” he trailed off, staring at his hands holding the white mug.

Levi pursed his lips. There was no point in being coy. But maybe Erwin was just confused, overwhelmed. He asked a second question, one he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to hear the answer to. “When did you start noticing these things?”

Looking at him, then looking into the distance just over Levi’s left shoulder, Erwin thought about the question. “I’m not sure exactly. Maybe after I came to the bar a second time. Although, I don’t know if that was strange enough to qualify.” Large eyebrows furrowed as Erwin considered. “Definitely after we, uh, went out last time.” His voice was quiet as he finished the statement, staring fixedly at the mug in his hands, fingers tense.

So, Erwin had been seeing things for quite a while then, but he was uncertain of when it had begun. It made sense. Sometimes it wasn’t easy to distinguish between the everyday and everything else. People often discounted the evidence of their eyes, or were too distracted to see in the first place. This was more complicated than what he’d originally thought. Levi digested the information, thinking carefully about his next question, about how to get Erwin to open up. He couldn’t help if he didn’t know the extent of the problem. And he did want to help, especially if he was the problem.

“Alright. What have you seen that you know is strange, things you can’t ignore?”

Erwin nodded at the question, seeming to understand Levi’s distinction. “I saw something in the river last week. I thought it was a fish, but it was huge, much too long. It had fins. Then there was…” Erwin shifted in his seat, looking away.

“What?” Levi prompted, taking another sip of tea to renew his patience. It wasn’t likely that Erwin was being evasive on purpose, he was probably just unsettled. That was natural.

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Erwin’s voice was quiet. His hands held the tall white mug in a death grip. His face had suddenly become a blank mask. With a frown Levi pressed on.

“Erwin, I don’t play games. If you’re worried I won’t believe you, don’t be.” Levi pointed out.

“It’s not that,” Erwin’s jaw was tight as he took a deep breath. A pause stretched between them, Erwin occupied with some internal struggle. Finally, he seemingly made up his mind, adding, “I’ve been having dreams. About you. Since we first met. Then, last week, I woke up- hallucinating? I don’t know. There was some kind of disgusting creature sitting on me and I couldn’t move.”

Levi blinked, staring. This sounded more serious than he’d thought, had been going on longer than he’d expected. Now he was finally getting somewhere, and he started to fit the pieces of information together in his mind. Just after they met? That shouldn’t have been enough. Just their meeting couldn’t have sparked this level of… Dreams like this, going on for such a long time… they’d met more than a month ago. It was possible… Wanting to be certain, Levi pressed a little further. “What are these dreams like?” Erwin bit his lip.

“They’re inappropriate.” He admitted, not meeting Levi’s eyes. The tightness in his jaw was gone, replaced by the barest dusting of color.

Levi groaned and rolled his eyes. Of course this would be what was hanging Erwin up. He almost wanted to laugh. For a guy who had pursued him so shamelessly, who had been so passionate behind closed doors, Erwin could be surprisingly oblique. “Alright, so you’re having weird sex dreams about me, whatever.”

With a cough, Erwin looked quickly around them to make sure no one had heard. “Levi! I’m not! I mean. I can’t help it! I swear I have no control over it!” The outburst amused Levi even further, but he also knew he shouldn’t make fun of Erwin’s predicament. It was pretty serious. On the other hand, Erwin’s earlier frosty demeanor had melted, thawed by the tinge of endearing embarrassment he displayed.

“I know it’s not your fault. It’s an incubus. Dark, big-eyed thing with dirty claws and bat ears, right?” Erwin nodded dumbly, eyes wide at the description. Bullseye, Levi thought. “You’ve seen other things too?” Erwin nodded again. “You don’t need to tell me, I’ve heard enough.”

He had- Erwin had given him some interesting information. The things he’d seen, how long he’d been seeing them, were all adding up to something different than what Levi had expected. He’d feared his presence was what was dragging Erwin into these encounters, that their contact had been the spark. But something wasn’t quite adding up if that was the case. Unbidden, Levi felt a flicker of hope bloom in him.

He leaned back to get a better look at Erwin. His first impression- the perfectly-fitted suit, the shiny hair, hadn’t really been accurate. That wasn’t the whole picture. There must be something more, something he’d missed in his earlier efforts to ignore this man. He searched Erwin’s face, noticing the slight shadow under blue eyes, the greyish pallor that had set in. Erwin looked more tired than he remembered, mentally and physically. He also looked less certain, less commanding, his presence somehow diminished. The thought bothered Levi, making him recall their earlier interactions. Why had Erwin found the bar in the first place? Why had he returned? Seeing all of these things- Levi knew he couldn’t be the sole reason. It was reassuring- most of his initial misgivings had been for nothing. Still, if it wasn’t his influence, what had caused Erwin to list in this direction?

Levi’s eyes travelled over Erwin’s form, taking in the rounded slump of his shoulders, the dejected way the man stared at his cooling latte. He let his eyes unfocus slightly, staring at Erwin and beyond him at the same time. Large fingers played with the edge of the coffee mug, and Levi’s attention fixated on them, travelling up to Erwin’s shoulder, across his chest, and pausing. There it was, a heaviness he hadn’t noticed before, a shadow. Something about it, about how Erwin had looked when they first met, clicked.

“Erwin, do you like your job?” Levi asked.

At the question, Erwin looked up. “I don’t hate it.” He answered, without a hint of emotion.

“Do you find it satisfying?”

Erwin frowned. “I don’t see how that’s important.”

Levi cocked his head to the side, considering Erwin carefully. “Do you think about the future often?”

Erwin shook his head. No.

“The past?”

Erwin nodded, slowly, admitting, “Sometimes.”

Levi didn’t want to pry any more, there was no real need. It made sense. It wasn’t Levi’s fault after all. Amidst a wave of relief Levi felt a pang of sympathy for the man. There was something else, something about him that now seemed painfully obvious. It’s cause was a mystery, but that wasn’t the important thing to Levi now. The important thing was making Erwin aware of his problem. “I think, Erwin, that you’re untethered.”

It was Erwin’s turn to consider. He placed his mug down, rested his elbows on his knees, and threaded his fingers together, leaning over them in thought. “What does it mean?” He continued to stare at his fingers, not looking up as Levi explained.

“You’re floating, not anchored to anything in particular. You don’t seem passionate about your job. I know you’re single and have been for some time. There was something you said last time…” Levi trailed off, trying to recall the exact phrasing. “Why you were interested in me, you said I was ‘something solid and sharp in a sea of fog and shadow’.” Erwin’s eyes widened. Levi snorted. “Pretty fucking poetic. But whatever. The point is, you’re not tied to anything. You’re drifting, in this sea of fog. And it’s attracting attention.”

Erwin’s large eyebrows furrowed more; he frowned into his hands. Lifting his head, he turned to look at Levi. “Attracting attention?”

Levi sighed- a long, tired sound. “Yeah. You can really only occupy one world. Yours, or theirs. But you need to be committed to one or the other and you’re not. So, people in your world might start ignoring you. While things from the other will start to notice you.”

Erwin digested the information slowly, still staring at his knuckles. “So the things I’ve been seeing, they’re from this other world?” The casual air dropped, Levi nodded. “And if I was to leave my world and join this other one?”

“Out of the question.” Levi snapped. “You don’t belong there, it’s not a place humans are meant to live.” At his outburst, Erwin’s attention snapped to Levi. He blinked, surprised by the sharpness of Levi’s tone. Seeming to accept the answer, if not understand it fully, the larger man eventually nodded. “Can I fix it?” Erwin asked warily, testing.

“With time, yes.”

“How?”

Not easily, Levi thought. Still, there was no reason Erwin couldn’t fix it. With time. It was time that had gotten him into this state after all. Besides, maybe Levi had misread him, maybe there was something that would slot into place once Levi explained. Maybe Erwin had other reasons or things that could hold him in his own world. Maybe he just needed to be reminded. He hoped so, for Erwin’s sake. Erwin didn’t seem like a bad man, in fact he was by all accounts and appearances a very good one. It was worth a try.

“It’s best if there’s something you’re passionate about. Work. A cause. A goal. A feeling, even. Family members, something like that. Ties to the world. Responsibilities. That sort of thing. You need to focus on strengthening those if you want these other things to go away.”

Erwin digested the information.

“You need to find your tether, Erwin, or build a new one. Is there anything you care about?” Levi regarded Erwin critically, giving him space to think and answer.

Eventually the larger man spoke. “Yes.”

“What is that?” Levi prompted.

Erwin looked away, staring out the front window. He looked back at Levi, opened his mouth, and closed it silently. He paused, blue eyes aimed directly at Levi. They were soft. Almost wistful. Remembering seeing those same eyes staring at him before, so full of hurt from Levi’s rejection, they held some of that same sadness now.

“You.” Erwin stated simply. His eyes never leaving Levi’s face. Demanding nothing. Giving no orders. Asking for nothing.

The answer was less of a shock than Levi thought it should be. Instead, it clicked neatly into place. He’d reminded Erwin of something, alright. Just as he’d feared.

Or maybe, as he’d hoped.

Erwin hadn’t lied when he’d found the bar a second time, he’d been looking for Levi after all. Levi let himself begin to consider it- maybe his persistence wasn’t such an awful thing. A weight he hadn’t known he’d been carrying lifted, one Levi had shouldered since the second time Erwin entered the bar. With the sudden freedom the little tugs and flashes of other things he’d felt- attraction, curiosity, enjoyment, were abruptly something he didn’t have to grind into oblivion beneath the heel of his boot.

It felt good.

After learning that he wasn’t to blame for Erwin’s slip into the other world, for the blurring of the boundaries that had clearly begun long before their first encounter, anything was possible. Maybe their meeting was more than mere chance. The hope he’d felt blooming earlier grew, warming his chest for the first time in countless years. Erwin had returned, and persisted. Strangest of all, he didn’t seem to hate Levi or blame him in any way for his predicament.

The chances were small. But they weren’t zero.

If Erwin was drawn to him, if their meeting had been more than chance, and if Erwin still hadn’t given up on him…

It was worth a try. And he had taken bigger chances in his life with shittier payoff. Levi didn’t think he would be much of a tether, but he’d already been wrong about Erwin once and he found himself wanting to help the man. Wanting to satisfy his curiosity, at the very least. Wanting to spend time with this man he felt like he was just now seeing for the first time. Besides, Erwin needed him in a way. A way he hadn’t ever been needed. Erwin had a problem, one he could help with. And, maybe, in return… well that would just remain to be seen.

Besides that, it was impossible to deny that he was attracted to this man. This fucking man. He’d suspected recently that he felt something more than just lust, and it was undeniable now. The way his heart had twisted seeing Erwin hurt, the feelings that had awoken from such a very long slumber. If Erwin was still interested, Levi knew he had little to lose.

When he looked over at Erwin, open blue eyes still searched his face. He’d left Erwin hanging for so long already. “I don’t know if I’d be a good tether. I’ve done nothing to earn your trust or feelings. But, I want to help.” Erwin’s eyes were scorching, and they brought a hint of heat to Levi’s face. A heat he hadn’t felt in longer than he could remember. Erwin nodded, relaxing at his words.

“I’ve-” The larger man began, “acted very selfish myself. And done things I’m not proud of. But, maybe, we could start over?” A complicated mixture of regret and hope shone in his eyes. Eyes too open, too vulnerable, and far too blue for Levi to resist.

Levi pursed his lips. Not in frustration. Not with Erwin, at least. It was his own turn to stare into his mug. It was empty, and he had no excuses left. They’d all been stripped away, thrown to the side as he was steadily and utterly disarmed. Without them, Levi felt naked, far more naked than he had been in the dark intimacy of Erwin’s bedroom. There was only one path left, and he was finally ready to move forward. He looked at Erwin.

“Yeah. Okay. I’d like that.”

A smile cracked Erwin’s lips, lighting his face up to match the blonde shine of his hair. The ashen caste of his skin was less noticeable- the darkness under his eyes hidden by the smile crinkling into skin around them.

“Then, Levi, would you like to go on a date with me? A real one? I won’t guilt you into sleeping with me this time.” Levi snorted, waving a hand at Erwin to cut off his eager outburst and wave away the guilty admission.

“Sure, Erwin. This time, though, I’m picking where we go.”

Chapter Text

As Erwin left the café, he stepped outside and felt a cool breeze. His face turned up, looking at the buildings disappearing into the sky. The vertical walls of glass and steel. He didn’t remember the last time he’d done this, stared upwards on the middle of the sidewalk like a tourist. It was refreshing. Despite the shortening days, the building chill of winter arming itself, his thoughts felt less burdened than they had in weeks. Or perhaps months. Levi did not hate him. Somehow. The other things Levi had said were arguably more important, but Erwin would process their meaning later. For now, it was enough. It was enough to be hopeful about something.

Erwin strode toward the train station with purpose. He had some errands to finish on his way home, and he wanted to leave plenty of time to make the pie he’d be bringing to Hanji and Moblit’s.

Back in his sparse kitchen, having swapped the restrictive suit for sweatpants and an old t-shirt, Erwin sorted out the groceries he’d bought. It had been years since he’d cooked this pie, but he still remembered the ingredients by heart. They’d made it many times together. It was a simple recipe. But Erwin didn’t cook often, and he’d never cooked it like this before.

He’d never cooked it alone.

He looked at the food and baking ingredients arranged on the counter, drawing in a deep breath. It was a delicious pie. It would be worth it. He was ready. Erwin turned from the counter with a stiff snap, walking into the adjoined living room until he stood in front of his small bookshelf. He didn’t need to read their spines to know which cookbook to remove; his fingers found the right one automatically. Old, its cheap binding faded and peeling. They’d found it in a second-hand bookstore. The kind of place so full of books there was barely any room to turn around. Packed so tightly that a makeshift upstairs level supported by homemade beams had been jerry-rigged up to hold the overflow of stock. It had almost made Erwin wonder if customers were supposed to browse at all. The kind of place where the owner always burned incense and only took cash at an ancient metal behemoth of a register.

The kind of place she’d liked.

Erwin opened the book, thumbing through to the page. On the left was the recipe, on the right an oversaturated photo of an apple pie. Erwin ran his fingers down the illustration. He’d seen it many times, peering over a head of long dark rivulets to get a better look. She’d had beautiful hair. He’d always thought so. His throat felt tighter, drier than it had been a moment before. Erwin swallowed to rid himself of the feeling, tearing his eyes from the page and snapping the book shut as he brought it into the kitchen.

Back at the counter he opened the book again and began measuring out dry ingredients. He cut the butter in and began to mix. When they’d lived together there had been a stand mixer. They’d cooked often. She had. But Erwin had done this before, once, when the mixer wasn’t working properly. He could surely do it again. Even if it was harder than he’d remembered. Even if the repetitive motion let his mind wander. Made him think about things he’d pushed as far away as he could. Her silhouette, gracefully curved and dark, framed against the white of kitchen cabinets. How she stood, absently turning the pages of whatever book she was trying to read while she worked. Half there, half engrossed in another world until Erwin would wrap his arms around her, pulling her firmly into this one. Mixing was much harder than he’d remembered. And he was remembering a lot. Too much. Things he wanted to forget. Things that were his fault.

Erwin let out a held breath and stared into the mixing bowl. It was as good as done. He was certainly done. He added a small amount of cold water and set into the dough with his hands, squeezing it too firmly as he laid into it. In no time he’d squeezed the life from it, and Erwin forced himself to stop, pulling shaking hands from the slightly sticky mass.

He washed apples carefully and rooted around the drawers until he located a knife and a vegetable peeler. The bowl needed a quick rinse- there was a thin layer of dust on its surface. That done, Erwin began the mindless task of peeling apples. Small, round flaps fell from them as the yellow skins were removed. The peeler felt awkward in his hand. It had been so long. Erwin stared at the fruit, and his clumsy attempts at shaving its skin off. He shook his head and focused harder, willing the once-familiar action back into his fingers.

Slowly, the peelings became longer. Thinner and more delicate. He was no longer scraping flesh from the apples, but stripping away a finer layer. His grip eased. The pale yellow flesh of the apple was revealed more with each stroke. Once finished, he set the apple down on the counter, briefly admiring his handiwork. Where he’d began the fruit’s flesh was angular, faceted. But the parts he’d peeled later were more regular. Not as perfect as hers had been. That was impossible. And not as good as his had looked when he was used to helping. But it would be good enough. It had to be.

The apples peeled, Erwin began cutting them into thin slices. He’d gotten halfway through the second apple when it happened.

His hand slipped. The knife came down. The sharp white of the ceramic blade sliced neatly into his skin. Erwin jumped at the sudden sting. He swore. The knife clattered to the floor, falling harmlessly next to his foot. The apple dropped. Erwin grabbed the wrist of his injured hand, rocking forward and squeezing his eyes shut against flaring pain. Breathing deeply, he fought a wave of nausea, forcing his body to calm. He squeezed his wrist tightly, knuckles whitening.

The tension of the initial surprise left him, and Erwin opened his eyes, slowly bringing his hand up to survey the damage. He winced, seeing the long, thin cut drawn across his palm. Its edges were difficult to determine; blood had pooled and seeped along the lines of his palm.

He stared at it, distracted. It was dark- a thick, wet line with feathered edges. Erwin looked from his palm to the floor, taking in the knife, edged with red, the apple, its pale surface barely dotted. Discarded suddenly. Lying there, on the kitchen tiles.

Just like before. Before it had all begun.

No, the beginning, rather. The harbinger.

The clatter. The thump.

An omen.

A knife, lying on the floor. A half-cut pear, dented from the fall, discarded nearby.

A sign.

And her small form, collapsed. Lying prone on the tiles. Dark hair spilling out around her.

He could see it so clearly.

Dark, curling locks. Her limp, pale fingers.

Erwin bit down on his lip- hard. Pain burst and he tasted iron. He sucked in a breath and swore loudly.

He was not ready.

Shaking his head, Erwin left the kitchen to clean and bandage his throbbing hand. The pie would have to wait. 

Hanji and Moblit lived in a narrow townhouse on the North side. They’d moved a year ago, shedding the bohemian trappings of their old neighborhood with its gap-toothed blocks and body-kitted cars mixed into the jammed parking along the streets. While Erwin stood on their porch, inspecting his phone to make sure he had the right address, he realized that they may have moved, but little had changed. The porch was still crowded with bizarre discarded junk, it had just been artfully arranged so that none of it was visible from the sidewalk. Erwin rang the buzzer and shifted the reusable bag containing the pumpkin pie he’d bought in his good hand.

Moblit opened the door, and Erwin could hear Hanji’s voice in the background as they called out, “Ask him if he wants white or red!” Moblit turned to Erwin, opening the door wider and ushering him in.

“White or red?” He asked, his accent rolling the words thickly out, flattening the vowels.

“Red?” Erwin asked, shaking Moblit’s offered hand with his bandaged one.

“Sorry. We only have white.” Moblit cocked his head back, indicating wherever Hanji was, further back in the house. His fond smile betrayed the nasal flatness of the words. “Good to see you, Erwin. What happened to you hand?” He added, taking the offered bag from Erwin’s and sneaking a look inside.

“Oh, just a kitchen mishap, nothing too bad. I brought a pie. It’s pumpkin.”

Moblit frowned into the bag. “This pie is not fruit?” Erwin shook his head, amused by Moblit’s confusion. “But it is dessert?” Erwin nodded, and Moblit relaxed visibly. “Good. Hanji is awful with dessert.”

They headed toward the back of the cluttered house, through the living room and the dining room, with places set for three, toward the kitchen and the clatter that emanated from within. Amongst an odd assortment of mismatched containers, each holding a different approximation of a Thanksgiving dish, the messy mouse-brown bun indicated Hanji’s presence as they sorted through the cabinets, pulling out far too many plates and glasses. “Hanji, you already set places.” Moblit pointed out, pulling a few bottles of white wine from the refrigerator and setting the pie down.

“I did? What? When? Are you sure?” The wild jerks of Hanji’s head as they looked around frantically from Moblit to the plates spoke volume of the confusion preparing this meal had already created. After placing the plates down on the closest sliver of unused counter they gave Erwin a warm, if somewhat tired, smile.

“Yes. You did it yesterday.” Moblit responded, scooping as many of the mismatched containers into his arms as he could carry into the dining room. Containing a laugh became increasingly difficult as Erwin transferred the pie to a plate and helped Moblit load the table with food. Some of the dishes looked amazing- Moblit’s handiwork, no doubt. Others- well Erwin was certain they’d taste fine.

“Oh, this pie looks good, Erwin! It’s been a while since you brought dessert.” It sounded like Hanji had recovered from their confusion, a guess that was affirmed a moment later as they strode into the dining room with the last of the food and collected a few spare medical textbooks off the table to dump unceremoniously on the floor in a nearby corner. “I thought you usually made apple though? Didn’t you used to have a recipe you liked?” Erwin’s lips pursed as he sat, and Moblit shot a quick angry look at Hanji across the table as he motioned very obviously at Erwin. “What made you change your mind, Erwin?” Hanji piled what looked like stuffing on their plate and looked over to Erwin for a response. Erwin sighed. Somehow, he’d forgotten what Hanji was like, how hectic their Thanksgivings were, how little tradition and social grace was involved. “And what happened to you hand?” Hanji pointed accusing at the bandage just as Erwin snuck his hand under the table- nothing escaped their notice.

“I had a kitchen mishap.” The same lame excuse felt much less convincing in the face of Hanji’s scrutiny.

“Kitchen mishap? You hurt it cooking? But you hardly ever cook unless it’s…” Hanji stared at the pumpkin pie. Then looked at Erwin who quickly avoided their inquisitive eyes. Finally, they looked back at the pie. “I see. Too bad about the pie. I like apple,” Hanji said, finally noticing the look of utter shock on Moblit’s face and hastily adding, “But pumpkin is great too! Excellent! Perfect!”

“What made you decide to cook a…” Erwin trailed off, hoping to change the subject, scanning the table for poultry. “Hanji, there’s no turkey? Or chicken?” Even less tradition and social grace then he’d remembered, it seemed.

“Hanji is vegetarian.” Moblit droned, digging into a beautiful mold of cranberry sauce and pouring himself a very, very full glass of wine.

“Vegetarian? Since when?”

“Last week!” Hanji smiled, doing their best to push the various dishes around the table, urging Erwin with incredibly lumpy mashed potatoes and salad at the same time. Overwhelmed by the news and the food whose identity he was now much less certain of, Erwin numbly put a small portion of everything that passed by him on his plate until he could fit no more. When all the dishes and containers had cycled around the table once they were collected on the side where no one sat and the meal began.

This was one thing Erwin had always appreciated about Hanji and their partner Moblit. There was no particular gravity to this meal, no grace was said, no one had to declare what they were thankful for. Instead the occasion was reserved for eating as much food as humanly possible and chatting comfortably. Stripped of its frills, the spirit of the meal shone without a need for a carved turkey or separate courses. Besides, half of the food was delectable and the other half wasn’t charred to coal so Erwin felt like he’d been very lucky indeed.

“So, Erwin, Mike told me you’re seeing someone.” And, of course, there was that. Moblit cast another futile glare at Hanji before taking an extra-large gulp of his wine and sighing audibly. Erwin forced down a large mouthful of undercooked potato before responding.

“I’m surprised Mike would say that.” His response was careful. “When we spoke I’d only mentioned one date, that hardly counts as ‘seeing someone’.”

Hanji waved a hand in front of their face, dismissing Erwin’s precise wording entirely. “Sure, but you talked about it to Mike twice-” They held up two fingers, wiggling them for emphasis, “-That’s basically seeing someone. For you, at least. How’s it going? I want details!” Wine was beginning to look like a good choice, and Erwin fortified himself with a generous sip before joining the fray.

“It’s going well.”

“‘Well’, as in, we fucked once and I’m never seeing them again, or ‘well’, as in, we’re legitimately dating?”

Moblit choked on his wine and sputtered out a ragged, “Hanji!” before adding, “It is not dinner topic! Erwin is guest!” The poor man’s face was beet red, his glass empty.

“It’s fine, Moblit, I don’t mind. It’s going well, I’m seeing him again soon.” Having to give such a diplomatic response made Erwin’s eyebrows knit together with effort, but there was no reason to hide things from Hanji, they would find out eventually anyway.

“What’s his name?”

“Lee.”

“So, what does Lee do?”

“He’s a bartender,” Erwin answered.

Hanji blinked and drew back slightly. “Huh.” They grunted. “Wasn’t expecting that. You usually go for people with more…intellectual professions. Interesting, though. Finally shaking things up in your stuffy life. I think I like him already!” Erwin shook his head in amusement, turning his attention to sautéed green beans and almonds that were clearly part of Moblit’s delicious contributions.

“Where is he from?”

Erwin paused. He looked down at his plate. “I don’t know.” He admitted, poking at a pile of gummy stuffing. At the other end of the table Moblit had retreated to a stony silence, eyeing the pair of them mistrustfully as he filled his wine glass again, no doubt readying himself to weather whatever storm was approaching.

“Does Lee have a last name?” Feeling his shoulders slump at yet another question, Erwin looked pleadingly over at Moblit. The man was already halfway through his wine and gave a slight ‘you’re on your own’ shrug.

“I don’t know.”

Hanji and Moblit both stared at him. “You don’t know his last name?” Moblit asked, blinking in confusion as he placed his fork down. “Is this not a thing you tell someone you are dating? That is weird, right?” He asked, looking over to Hanji for confirmation.

Hanji tutted. “Yeah, it’s weird. I agree with Moblit. Erwin, you have to ask more questions, what kind of dates have you been going on with Lee anyway? Unless it’s not that kind of relationship? Are you just fuck buddies?” Moblit buried his face in his hands, peeking through his fingers to shake his head at a mound of potatoes. Leave it to Hanji. Where Mike cajoled and empathized, Hanji just ripped out whatever information they needed. Then again, that was what had drawn them together in college, and Erwin had too much respect for them to lie.

“Please don’t call it that, Hanji. It’s crude, and we’re not. I’ve seen him a few times but we’ve really only been on one date so far. If you have a list of things you’d like to know you could consider writing it down and I’ll bring it to our next meeting.” Moblit snorted and Hanji threw their head back, barking out a laugh. Recovering with a wheeze, they nodded. “That’s the Erwin I know! Ah, it’s good to have you back. After everything with Marie, I mean, it was so sad. You two were basically married. Like Moblit and me!”

“We are not married.” Moblit corrected glumly, as though Erwin wasn’t fully aware. With another wave of animated fingers Hanji brushed it away. “You know what I mean!” They turned to Erwin, holding his gaze directly with eagerness shining in their dark eyes. “Erwin, since then, everyone’s been so scared, handling you with kid gloves. It was hard for everyone. I hated it. I’m glad something has snapped you out of it!”

Hanji dug in with renewed intensity, taking a second helping of potato and stacking a slice of the pumpkin pie on top of a lake of uneaten cranberry sauce. Contemplating their words, Erwin pushed his own food around. He had placed a burden on his friends, that much was true. But he hadn’t realized that Hanji felt this way, that it had driven them further apart. He should have accepted this invitation long ago. But, he thought, staring ruefully at the pumpkin pie, he hadn’t been ready.

“Oh, by the way, you heard about Mike and Nanaba?”

“I don’t think so.” Erwin said, wondering what else there could be other than the wedding in general.

“They finalized a date, and reserved the venue! Moblit told me the details.” Confused, Erwin looked over to Moblit, who was trying not to meet his eyes. “How did Moblit know?” Erwin wondered aloud.

“Oh, because Moblit’s the best ma- Oh.” Hanji cut off quickly. Erwin turned to stare at them, mouth open. Hanji returned his stare. A series of emotions flashed across their face- realization, confusion, and embarrassment all made an appearance before they reddened, finally settling on anger. “I’m going to kill him.” Hanji muttered. “I cannot believe Mike didn’t tell you himself.”

The room felt close, and Erwin suddenly realized he’d eaten far too much food already- he was no longer hungry. Pushing the plate away from himself, he took a deep breath. “It’s fine,” he managed.

“It’s not fine.” Hanji grumbled. “He should have told you first. See? This is what I’m talking about. Kid gloves.” Crossing their arms, Hanji stared at the table angrily. Erwin took a deep breath, sorting out his thoughts. He felt betrayed, but Hanji was right- the sting came more from the fact that Mike hadn’t been the one to deliver this news rather than the news itself.

“No,” Erwin said, keeping the shake from his voice, “It’s fine. I’m fine. Thank you for telling me, Hanji.” He turned to Moblit and nodded at an unopened wine bottle by the other man’s place. “I think I’ll have some more wine.” With a slight grimace Moblit opened and handed the bottle over apologetically.

When he’d filled his glass Erwin offered more wine to Moblit and Hanji, who both accepted. Holding his glass up, Erwin looked between them, his face softening into a smile.

He spoke first to Hanji. “Thank you for telling me, Hanji. I mean it. You’ve always been my most honest friend.” He turned to Moblit, adding, “I know you’ll do an excellent job, Moblit. Mike was right to choose you if he’s still worried about me.” He took a deep breath and looked at his friends again, reassuring them as best he could. “It’s good to be back. To friends.”

“To friends.” They echoed as glasses clinked.

Chapter Text

Erwin spent the holiday weekend recovering from Thanksgiving’s indulgence. He even spent nearly a half hour searching for something warm enough to wear for a run outside. At the back of one of his drawers, pushed there by the loose sweatpants and soft, aging t-shirts that he'd preferred recently, he located cold-weather running leggings and a long-sleeved spandex top. As soon as the air hit his face, it lifted his spirits, distracting him from recent failures like the pie and Mike’s snub. Instead he faced forward, pulling cold air into his lungs as the beat of thin sneakers on the sidewalk lulled him into a calm state. One where he was panting and breathless. One where he could think clearly, nothing to distract from his goal of one foot placed before the other. As he navigated the sidewalks, jogging in place at the street corners until the lights turned, he realized this was something he’d missed. Away from deadlines and meaningless small talk. Away from the emails at all hours of the day. Away from the apartment he should be vacuuming.

That thought bothered him more than usual, and Erwin felt a pang of momentary shame as he started to feel the movement of his legs become more automatic. He'd brought Levi back to his apartment. It had probably been a mess. It was a good thing they hadn't turned the lights on. But it wouldn't happen again. Erwin had plenty of time to straighten things up in case Levi ever wanted to come over again. And if he didn’t push himself so desperately at the man, then maybe Levi would want to. Next time they would turn the lights on. His mind made up, Erwin turned around and headed home, plans for cleaning taking shape.

When he got back, Erwin set to cleaning with a vengeance. He threw his sweaty clothing in the wash, showered quickly, and got to work on the last few days’ dishes. He'd already dealt with the pie fiasco, throwing all the partly prepared batter and apples away and cleaning the bowls. He’d hidden the knife, after rinsing and carefully wiping its terrible blade clean. It could stay there, rotting in the drawer full of other utensils he had no use for. An avocado slicer, a mandoline, a cheese knife. The forgotten tools could keep that cursed knife company for the rest of its days. It had drunk too much blood, soaked in too many memories.

When Wednesday arrived, Erwin was ready. He made a quick stop at his apartment after work, changing into black pants and a green turtleneck sweater, trying his best to pick something that wasn’t likely to look too out of place wherever Levi had meant with the enigmatic text ‘let’s see music’.

They were meeting at a train station on the way and Erwin stood on the underground platform, trying not to stare too hard at grey patches of gum stuck to the grubby floor. The air was stale in the station, the lingering hint of sweat from the loitering homeless unmistakable now that they’d retreated to the parts of the city that still offered some shelter from wind and cold. A train rumbled in the distance, its noise building to a deafening roar in the tight tunnel. It flew by, the powerful blast of air and screech of metal on metal sending Erwin’s hair into his eyes as its blue and white sign flashed ‘Express’.

Reaching up to brush the hair from his face, Erwin spotted Levi coming down the stairs. He looked a little tired, his boots hitting the steps heavily, his head bent downwards, the same leather jacket and all-black clothing. Erwin’s eyes flicked up to his face and widened when he caught a glimpse of it between swings of the man’s black bangs. An angry dark bruise spread under his right eye, reaching around and down, the skin scabbed bloody and rough on his cheekbone where it had been scraped open. As Levi approached he noticed more small cuts on his temple and jaw, stains of sickly green and yellow surrounding them.

Staring, stunned, Erwin made no move as Levi noticed him and walked over. It would be impolite not to say hello, but he badly wanted to know what had left its marks on Levi’s face.

“Hey,” Levi said, meeting Erwin’s concerned eyes for a moment with a blank look before positioning himself next to Erwin so that his right side faced away. He turned, expressionless, to the train tracks and the wall beyond.

“Hello, Levi,” Erwin finally answered, letting the weight of the words fall slowly. He was not about to let Levi get away with ignoring this, especially if he was going to be reminded of it every time he looked at the man. “What happened?” 

Levi’s lips tightened, forming a thin line as his face grew more rigid. “Work,” he deadpanned, the muscles in his neck twitching.

“Work?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah…” Levi kicked at the ground, looking down at the toes of his boots. “It’s not all smiling and serving drinks, you know.”

Erwin raised a brow, unable to resist. “Huh, I don’t recall any smiling.”

Levi looked at him and shook his head, rolling his eyes. The tension in his face was gone. “You jackass.” He jabbed Erwin lightly with his elbow, the flash of amusement in his eyes the only thing giving away any emotion. It made Erwin’s apprehension fade. Levi might have been hurt, but his sense of humor was still intact.

After a moment of shuffling and looking around, Levi spoke. “I don’t just serve drinks at the bar, okay? Sometimes I protect it. Or the interests of its owner. Sometimes I do...” Levi paused, searching for a way to phrase whatever he was going to say, “…errands,” he finished.

Brows rising, Erwin gaped for a moment. ‘Errands’ didn’t sound like something that was in the job description of a bartender. A bit of security, sure- Oberon’s had no bouncer and Erwin didn’t doubt that Levi was capable of such a role- but ‘errands’? Erwin opened his mouth to ask more, about the bar, about what Levi meant when he said ‘errands’, when the train’s rattle and a blast of gritty air made him close it. The train came to a screeching halt and its doors opened with a chime as they boarded, Levi walking quickly to the back of the car before he could speak. Following him, Erwin placed a hand on the chrome rail to steady himself, still caught on the strangeness of Levi’s answer. As the announcement was made and the door closed, the train churning to life as the light of the station slipped away, replaced by pulsing dark in front of the windows that pulsed by as Erwin stared.   

Levi motioned to him, standing by the door at the back of the car, one that led to the car behind. Confused, Erwin moved closer, abandoning the unsettling line of thought for the moment, the other passengers on the evening rush hour ignoring them. When Levi wrenched the heavy metal door open, the sound of the tunnel rushing in, Erwin caught his breath. Before Levi could step forward into the small space between the cars, marked by too-thin chains on either side, Erwin placed a hand on his shoulder, holding him back. Levi’s head whipped around as Erwin muttered, “Levi, what are you doing? Only beggars and weirdos selling Tide pods go between these cars. Only trouble.”

Lips quirking up at their edges, Levi turned back to the roaring dark. “Well I didn’t bring any Tide pods. Guess that leaves trouble,” he said, stepping easily onto the lip of the car behind and opening its door, the seal releasing, allowing him to slip beyond.

Erwin caught the door. Gone. Levi had disappeared.

He had passed through the dark and flashing light, the rush of air and clamor of metal in the small space between.

He had left Erwin.

With a deep breath he steeled himself, trying not to focus on the swaying platform of the car beyond.

He stepped forward. He opened the door and passed through.

The next car was quiet, strangely so. He stood next to Levi. They were the only two people in it, unheard of for a weeknight at this hour. Even odder, the air felt thick and electric. There was no sound of tracks, of the tunnel rushing beyond. The blue interior looked more purple than he’d remembered, tinged in the glow of flickering light. And the walls of the car, just how long it was, the perspective felt off in some way that Erwin couldn’t quite bring himself to understand. Levi walked to the middle of the car and sat down on one of the seats, leaning back with his arms behind his head and his legs spread out in front. He looked content, eyes closing for a moment as he relaxed. Erwin moved cautiously to sit beside him, and Levi’s limbs shifted out of his space.

“Why did we come to this car? Where are we?”

“This way is faster, Erwin.”

“What do you mean, ‘faster’?”

Levi shrugged. He had barely completed the casual gesture when the train stopped, silently ceasing its pace as the doors chimed in a minor key and Levi stood. “I mean faster,” he repeated, leading a dazed Erwin off the train and into the night.

They walked the rest of the way. The train ride hadn’t lasted long, only a few minutes’ time. Usually only enough time for a single stop to pass, but Erwin knew they were nowhere near the skyscrapers at the city’s center where he’d boarded. It was plain to see, and he recognized the wooden board of the elevated platform and the collection of three and five-story brick buildings surrounding it as being another neighborhood entirely. They immediately turned onto a wide street, walking down the sidewalk of one of the many north-south arteries that crisscrossed the low-rise sprawl of endless neighborhoods radiating out. Past single-family duplexes crowded up against the sidewalk, chain-link fence, smoke shops and adult driving institutes. A mishmash of old and new, all of it low, unassuming. Blocks filled with miles of brick, and concrete, and the occasional small, spindly, winter-dead tree.

As they walked they talked, Erwin chatting about work while Levi gave his usual non-verbal answers. While before it had felt awkward to talk this way, supplying most of the conversation, Erwin was becoming accustomed to it. Levi wasn’t the most talkative man, but he listened. And it felt good, to have someone walking next to him, short clipped strides moving quickly through the chill. Someone who didn’t ask too many questions, who wasn’t wheedling anything from him. Someone who simply let the space fill naturally.

When they reached their destination Levi had to grab Erwin’s sleeve, stopping him from walking right by. It was a small, single-story brick building- a typical bland storefront squatting next to a small body-shop lot. Its two windows were dark, covered on the inside by black curtains that hung behind a neon sign proclaiming ‘The Mutiny’ in yellow and blue.

“So, this is the place?” Erwin pointed at the peeling grey paint on the wooden door. It wasn’t exactly what he’d expected, but he wasn’t sure what he had expected to begin with.

“This is it, The Mutiny.” Levi nodded, and opened the door, leading them into the interior. It was warm, and Erwin removed his wool coat. Levi didn’t bother. Erwin was starting to wonder if he’d ever seen him without it, at least when he wasn’t naked. The place was busier than Erwin had thought for a weeknight. The inside of the bar was just one rectangular open space and most of the patrons were gathering towards the back where a band was setting up. A motley collection of amplifiers and power cables snaked out over the floor, a pile of twisted black and grey cords separating the musicians from the patrons, but it looked like walking through the whole thing was unavoidable if you had to use the restrooms. And like they might ensnare you on your way there.

They approached the bar, a scarred thing barely visible beneath its covering of band and beer stickers, and took two stools while Levi leaned forward to get the bartender’s attention. After flagging down a woman with shockingly bright dyed red hair and facial piercings, they ordered drinks. Or, Levi ordered straight gin, and Erwin ordered a beer that arrived immediately in its can from a refrigerator under the bar. Settling back onto their stools they turned towards the back of the venue, watching the people and the band setting up.

“What kind of music will they play?” Erwin asked Levi, settling into the grungy feel of the bar as the beer relaxed him.

“Usually punk shit. I didn’t check today though, could be rock.” Nodding his response, Erwin took a swig of beer and looked around the place again. Christmas lights hung from the ceiling, but they didn’t look festive so much as a permanent fixture. Most of the patrons were dressed very casually, jeans and t-shirts or sweatshirts. Levi fit in well, though Erwin was admittedly overdressed and wished he’d asked a bit more about where they were going. At least he was dressed in dark colors, that was clearly a theme here. Erwin wondered for a moment if he really had been making the other man uncomfortable with the places he’d invited him to. He was glad Levi had chosen this time: it was a chance to get to know him on his own terms.

“Levi, there are a lot of questions I’d like to ask you.” Might as well start now. Looking over, Erwin caught Levi’s eye. The bruises and cuts on his face distracted him for a moment, but Erwin kept himself from staring. Levi had already explained that as much as he was likely to, and there was nothing left to do but lament their presence.

“About what?” Sipping casually at the cup of gin he held, Levi leaned until his back and elbows rested on the bar behind.

“About, I don’t know, everything. Well, mostly about you, really.”

“Huh, go ahead.” Levi gestured vaguely with his drink. His face was relaxed, the sharp angry look Erwin had become accustomed to was replaced by a more neutral expression.

“I don’t know if you’ll answer them.”

Levi snorted, and shook his head. A crackle and pop sounded in the room as the band tested their amplifiers and microphone. “You can always ask. I don’t bite, really.”

“Well, then, how long have you lived here? How long have you worked at Oberon’s? What are ‘errands’?”

Levi frowned, turning his attention towards the back of the room where the band appeared to be making final adjustments. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m probably not going to answer those.” Erwin sighed. He’d thought Levi might open up to him more now that he’d made his intentions clear, but perhaps it was too much to hope for.

“Okay, then. What do you do for fun?”

Sitting up on the stool, Levi’s hand went to his knee where it picked restlessly at the frayed edge of a hole in his jeans. “Fun?” He paused before looking at Erwin. “Not much. I guess I work a lot. Working nights, it’s hard to do things.”

Erwin understood and sympathized. “I work a lot too,” he admitted.

“So, what do you do for fun?”

Erwin started to answer then paused. Having the question turned around on him was more uncomfortable than he had expected it to be. His life didn’t exactly feel exciting, and he’d already confided to Levi that there wasn’t much he was interested in. “Probably not much as well.” But answering it this way felt terribly boring. “I used to enjoy reading. I also used to run a lot more often.”

“Why did you stop?” Levi asked, fingers stilling on his knee as he sipped at his clear gin. The band started up after some unintelligible introduction, and the two men moved their stools closer together as the drums picked up pace and a guitar riffed sharp-edged through the musty air.

“I don’t know.” Erwin stared at his beer can, then stared at Levi’s boots. “I just wasn’t interested in it anymore.”

“Well, what kind of stuff did you read about?” Levi seemed to be listening now that the conversation had shifted away from him. The music grew louder, and Erwin moved his stool closer, their knees brushing and coming to rest next to one another.

“History. Mostly nonfiction. I liked to read accounts of political unrest or times when governments underwent radical changes.” Erwin paused. He was probably boring Levi. He thought of changing the subject, but then he noticed the way Levi was looking at him. His body leaned over to catch each word; his face turned up. “I know not everyone likes to read about heavy topics for fun, but I always found that kind of thing fascinating. The way power can shift and change hands.” 

Levi was silent for a moment, taking in the words. Eventually he gave a grunt of acknowledgement. The band was playing in earnest now, and it was more difficult to hear each other over the singing that sounded more like yelling. Fast and high-energy, the music beat out a speedy pace that made the floor buzz. It was loud, but they were sitting far enough away that the people between them and the amplifiers absorbed enough of the sound to keep it tolerable.

The music was choppy and quick, the rhythm rushed, the singing clipped while the front-man stomped, and it pounded through Erwin in waves. Each song was over almost before they’d started; he barely had time to take in the lyrics on a level beyond anything but their raw emotion. Noticing that Levi’s gin was almost empty, he flagged over the bartender and ordered another round. Levi accepted without a word.

They eased into a close silence. Sitting next to each other, knees touching, getting comfortable. Erwin wondered if he’d ever been this relaxed around Levi before. When he realized that he hadn’t, a small smile found its way onto his lips. He was content, watching the singer shout his lungs out, feeling the press of Levi’s thigh against his own, sneaking glances at the smaller man’s profile. It was difficult for Erwin to tell whether Levi was enjoying the music, but then, it was also difficult to tell whether he was enjoying the music himself. The company, he enjoyed.

The set didn’t last very long, the band playing for maybe thirty minutes before they wound down and another group took their places, getting out instruments and shuffling around as many people wandered back over to the bar to refill their drinks.

“I thought they would play longer.”

“Some bands use their energy up pretty fast,” Levi responded, downing what remained of his warmed gin. Erwin winced for him, but the dark-haired man didn’t seem to be bothered by it.

“Do you like this kind of music?” Erwin felt a little stupid for asking the moment the words left his mouth. Levi had invited him here. Of course he liked it, or he wouldn’t have chosen it.

“Yeah.” The tone in Levi’s voice wasn’t sarcastic, and Erwin felt less self-consciousness over his unenlightened question as Levi continued. “It’s full of frustration. Angry shit. I used to really relate to that.”

Blinking in surprise, Erwin pressed further. “Used to? Do you still relate to it?”

With a long sigh Levi shook his head. “Not really. Not anymore. I guess I’ve just accepted some things. But-” he looked over, the fierce look in grey eyes sending a thrill through Erwin’s spine, “-sometimes I like to be reminded.”

They made it through the second set before Erwin started to worry about the time and Levi started to lose interest in the music. Erwin paid for their drinks, and with no real reason to stay at the bar they headed out, trading the loud dark interior for the cold dark streets as they walked back to the train station. The walk made Erwin realize how hungry he was, something he’d forgotten when he could sit inside with a beer in his hand. Out in the cold, the lateness of the hour and the length of time that had passed since lunch caught up with him. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much open, and Levi didn’t seem to have any tips on where to find food in the area.

A small taqueria saved them, its unassuming storefront assuring that it was open until midnight. They went in and ordered tacos, crowding into a tiny table in the otherwise empty establishment with their thin paper plates. Erwin devoured all four of his carnitas topped with cilantro and white onion, and eyed Levi’s. He had eaten half of one and hadn’t touched the others he’d ordered. “Do you want that?” Erwin pointed at the tacos, and Levi pushed them towards him, a silent offering. “There’s nothing wrong with them, right?” Scooping up the taco, Erwin only paused for a moment before taking a big bite.

“No, they’re fine. Just not hungry.” Finishing the final bite of taco, Levi shrugged and wiped his fingers on a paper napkin. Having plowed quickly through the rest of Levi’s doubled corn tortillas, Erwin let out a pleased sigh and leaned back on the tiny chair for a moment before they gathered up their trash, discarded it, and left. The whole stop took less than twenty minutes, but Erwin felt refreshed and uplifted by the food.

Without his stomach rumbling the walk to the station was an enjoyable one. The headlights of passing cars sweeping rhythmically over them with the pulse and flow of the traffic lights, the sound of their steps crisp on the cold pavement while they walked side by side. They passed the occasional person, but for the most part were able to stay next to each other with little difficulty. It was cold for people to be out at night, and winter in the city sent everyone indoors early as night swallowed an increasing number of hours.

The platform was chilly, raised up into the wind and only covered in some areas. It wasn’t late, but there was no one else around, and they had no trouble finding a spot to wait under one of the heat lamps. Erwin pressed the worn metal button, the lamp above bathing them in an orange glow as it did its best to warm them despite the wind. Levi didn’t seem bothered by the cold, even in his leather jacket, but he stood close to Erwin’s side- at least sheltered from the wind.

As they waited on the platform Erwin let the pressure from the growing questions in his mind squeeze until he could no longer take it. Levi was standing too close, taunting him- an enigma. He cleared his throat. This was as good a time as any.

“Levi, at the café you mentioned building a tether.”

“Hmm,” came the noncommittal response as Levi nodded slightly. Erwin took it as a sign to continue, and launched forward, spilling all his questions out at once.

“How do I do that, exactly? Will it stop those things I’ve been seeing from appearing? What were they anyway? Will I continue seeing them?”

Levi turned to him lips pursed, holding up a hand that made Erwin pause. “Wait, wait. What do you want to know first?”

Erwin’s curiosity won out. “About the things I saw.”

“Oh, like the incubus?” Erwin nodded as Levi continued. “Creatures, spirits. The kinds of things you think of as myths or old wives’ tales. There’s a reason the stories exist at all.”

Looking at Levi’s serious gaze, Erwin processed the words. It sounded ridiculous, the things from fairy tales and legends, taking shape and appearing in a modern city. But Erwin had experienced them: heard the unexplained banging in the subway, seen the dark finned shape moving just below the river water, felt the icy touch of the thing that visited his dreams. So, it wasn’t crazy, and he wasn’t either.

“You can see them?” he asked hesitantly, watching Levi’s face carefully for any reaction. Thin eyebrows pulled down.

“Yes,” came the quiet reply.

“Why? Or how?”

Levi shrugged off the question. “I’ve been able to for a long time.”

The set of Levi’s shoulders told Erwin he was unlikely to be able to pursue this avenue further. The smaller man had turned away from him slightly, pale neck stiff and head turned down to the wooden platform. With an inward sigh Erwin let it go, instead turning to his own predicament.

“And this tether business. How do I really go about building one?”

A shake of Levi’s head flicked dark hair and the wind caught it, making Levi reach up to push it from his eyes. “I don’t really know,” he admitted. “I’ve never done this before either.”

They stood, not sure how to continue. Waiting, or pausing, somehow at the edge of something to come.

The heat lamp went off and Erwin pushed the button to turn it back on, wondering when the next train was coming. It buzzed to life above, the humming comforting as it provided white noise for Erwin’s thoughts.

Erwin looked over to his companion. The lamp turned his dark hair shiny with fire around its edges, warm hues cast on sharp features. Looking at Levi, he wanted to step forward, to walk off the invisible ledge he found himself toeing. To say or do something. He wanted to reassure Levi. To tell him they’d find a way to do whatever was needed. He wanted to reach out, to touch the bruises on Levi’s face. To smooth the patches of rough scab under his fingers and soothe the painful-looking marks.

But Levi was not that kind of man.

He was jagged, wore his injuries with stubborn pride.

Still a man of contrast, pale and dark, a contradiction that drew Erwin’s eyes and his attention. Still a man he desperately wanted to possess, but not so much that he was willing to ignore the things Levi had said and the things he hadn’t. He’d said earlier that it wouldn’t be easy to build a tether, and Erwin believed it. This was no longer about fulfilling his base desires.

It was more. It had to be.

And Erwin wanted more.

He was lost in his thoughts, gazing at Levi but also beyond him, when Levi’s hand found the front of his jacket. A tug brought him down, and their lips met, the warmth of Levi’s breath tickling Erwin’s lower lip as the kiss surprised him. Eyes open, he watched Levi kissing him for a moment, spectating as exciting as participating, before closing his eyes and putting an arm around Levi’s shoulders to pull him closer. His thoughts fled from their brooding doubt; the small closeness of their bodies and Levi’s tongue flicking over his lips became his entire present.

Their kisses lingered, the train’s arrival only a distant possibility as they stood. The heat lamp went off. Erwin didn’t bother to turn it back on. Breaking away from Levi was unnecessary. Unthinkable. Not when he finally had him where he’d wanted him for so long.

A cold hand snaking into his coat made Erwin gasp. Levi’s fingers found their way under his sweater, fluttering over the skin of his abdomen before Erwin caught them, easing them back out. Levi pulled away, looking up quizzically as Erwin held his hand.

“Levi, I’ve enjoyed myself a lot tonight.”

Raising an eyebrow, Levi blinked. “What does that have to do with…” Grey eyes flicked from his hand, in Erwin’s, to the open part of Erwin’s overcoat.

“It just means I want to do this right. If that means taking things slow, that’s what I want to do.”

Looking at him fully, as though seeing him all in focus at once, Levi’s eyes travelled over Erwin’s face. Erwin let it happen, waiting until Levi found whatever it was he was searching for. “I know I rushed things before,” Erwin added, and Levi must have finally found something in his expression that was satisfactory. His face relaxed and his hand dropped. He turned away, towards the train tracks, and leaned into Erwin’s side.

“Alright. I had a pretty good time tonight too.”

Chapter Text

It had been a while since Levi had last been to Erwin’s apartment, but the big old building was as imposing and elegant as he remembered. Erwin had invited him for a different kind of date tonight- a ‘relaxing night in’ was what it had been called. Levi had wondered if it was a thinly-veiled excuse to sleep with him, but the things Erwin had said about taking it slow didn’t really fit with that. Not that he would have been particularly upset if it was just an excuse.

After Erwin buzzed him in and opened the door, he untied and slipped off his boots, leaving them on the entry mat. Erwin immediately picked up a pile of papers from the coffee table in the living room, rifling through takeout menus, holding them at different lengths from his face as he squinted. It was funny, seeing big blonde eyebrows jump like furry caterpillars across Erwin’s face as he tried to sort out the menus. But, more than being funny, it was endearing, the obvious trait of Erwin’s handsomeness joined by a charm that felt much more genuine that his initial impressions had been.

“It’s good to see you, Levi,” he said distractedly as he held a menu for Indian food near his nose and slowly pulled it away. “What should we order for dinner?”

“How about some glasses?” Levi snorted. Erwin looked up from the menus, a surprised expression quickly softening into a sheepish smile.

“I probably do need some,” he admitted, passing the stack over to Levi. “Why don’t you pick something out, then? I’ve only kept the ones I like, so I’d be happy with anything.” Levi took the menus and flipped through them. There were a lot. Erwin must not cook much, if ever, he thought, scanning through Indian, Chinese, Italian, Pizza, Mexican, Thai, Mediterranean and even a pair of menus for what looked like vegetarian places.

“Shit, Erwin, you’ve got the flipping United Nations here,” he muttered, prompting a chuckle from the other man. While Levi stared at the menus again, weighing the options, Erwin disappeared into the kitchen, emerging a few minutes later with two wine glasses and a bottle of Cabernet. “How about…” Levi began, still overwhelmed by the sheer number of menus. Erwin made his way over to the couch, depositing the wine and glasses on the coffee table. “Uh…have you had…” His mind was starting to wander. He heard the cork pop out of the wine bottle and, out of the corner of his eye, saw Erwin pour two glasses. It wasn’t like he had a particular craving for any of these things anyway. It was food. Nothing more. It didn’t matter- he should just pick something. “This one, what’s good from this place?” he asked, walking over to join Erwin and indicating the Mediterranean menu.

“The shawarma is very good, and some of my friends enjoy the falafel,” Erwin answered as Levi sat down next to him.

“What’s falafel?”

“Oh, it’s vegetarian. It’s like a fried chickpea patty.” At Erwin’s answer Levi made a face. The menu listed them as a filling for pita. Fried chickpeas? In a sandwich? Who ate beans in a sandwich?

“Huh,” he grunted, unimpressed. “Well let’s get shawarma then.” Erwin nodded.

“And what else?”

Levi lowered the menu, staring at Erwin. “That’s not enough? I don’t know. What do you normally get?” Erwin shrugged, and picked up one of the glasses of wine, offering it.

“I get hummus or baba ganoush and an order of pita usually. Sometimes baklava for dessert.” Levi took the offered glass, staring at the wine.

“Doesn’t the shawarma already come with pita?” Just how much food did Erwin usually order? Erwin smiled at him, probably sensing his confusion. “It does, but if you order those other things there’s really no way to eat them without extra pita,” he explained. Levi nodded. Neither the word hummus nor the strange collection of syllables making up baba ga-whatever made much sense to him, so he might as well just play along. “Okay, then let’s get hummus and pita too.” He handed the menu back to Ewin, glad to get it over with, and took a long sip of wine. A deserved sip of wine.

Erwin phoned in the order as Levi adjusted his position on the couch, appreciating his wine. Taking in the apartment. It looked different with the lights on, larger than he’d remembered. Erwin didn’t have a lot of furniture, making the living room they sat in seem open and spare. White walls, hardwood floor, no carpet or rugs, and nothing on the walls. The couch they were on, a coffee table, and a television sitting on a dark wood stand sat at generous intervals. Now that he thought about it, it was pretty empty considering Erwin’s age and the fact that he certainly wasn’t poor. Erwin did have a very small bookshelf on one wall, and Levi’s eyes flicked briefly over the book’s spines. A few novels, some long nonfiction titles. And cookbooks- loads of them. For a guy with such an extensive collection of takeout menus it was a bit odd. Maybe Erwin did cook?

He was probably just tired tonight.

Erwin finished the delivery order and picked up the remote, turning on the television.

“Would you rather watch a movie or a show?” He looked over to Levi, raising his brows expectantly.

“What have you got?” Levi asked. Erwin was full of questions. What food, what to watch? Answering these were almost more difficult that the serious questions. Besides, what did it matter? He’d come because he wanted to see Erwin, not because he wanted to eat hummus.

Erwin’s brows furrowed slightly. “What have I got...?” He sounded unsure, like he hadn’t understood Levi’s question. Even though it had been pretty fucking clear. Levi hadn’t stuttered. Levi’s face remained blank and he sipped some more of his wine. “Pretty much everything. Whatever you want , Levi. Is there anything you’ve been wanting to watch?”

“No,” Levi stated, staring blankly at the black screen of the television, burying his nose in his wineglass and fortifying himself. He had no fucking clue what they should watch.

It only took a moment for Erwin to recover, realizing quickly that his companion wasn’t going to supply anything more. “Oh. Well. We can look through the guide and see what’s on right now. Or we can watch something from one of my streaming services.”

“What do you normally watch?”

Erwin looked down, pausing. “It’s not very exciting. Besides, you’re my guest, you should choose.”

Levi sighed. He wasn’t trying to make Erwin uncomfortable, but he genuinely had no idea and no preference. He might as well own up. “Look, I don’t watch much TV, Erwin. Or many movies. But I guess you do, so we might as well watch something at least one of us is interested in.” Erwin seemed relieved at his statement, chuckling slightly as he started fiddling with the remote.

“Alright, well then we’ll just pick whichever history documentary looks good. Don’t say I didn’t warn you though.”

Levi rolled his eyes, a little embarrassed for Erwin. He watched as Erwin scrolled through titles, reading each summary blurb with rapt attention. This was probably going to take forever. There Erwin sat, leaning forward, squinting slightly, his wine glass forgotten. A large, serious man, focusing so earnestly, probably trying to pick whichever would be the least boring to Levi. It was cute, even more so because Levi couldn’t possibly care less what they watched, or even what they ate. Besides that, the way his large hand dwarfed the television remote and the occasional rub of Erwin’s thigh against his knee were interesting enough to keep him from impatience.

“There’s one about the Inuit people that looks intriguing.” Levi nodded absently, more focused on his wine and enjoying the way the lights above turned  the hair on either side of Erwin’s immaculate part bright gold rather than on the films. “And one about the Transcontinental Railroad.” It could be about worms eating shit for all Levi cared. The couch was very comfortable, and Erwin looked relaxed for once- still too fancy (who wore a button-down after work?), but at least like he was enjoying himself. “Or the Vietnam War?” Levi wrinkled his nose, placing his wine glass curtly on the coffee table and folding his arms.

“No.”

Erwin looked over, noticing the sudden force in Levi’s terse rejection. He let it go though, turning back to the choices with just the slightest of curious glances.

“There’s also something- oh, here’s one by Werner Herzog! It’s about French cave paintings. How does that sound?”

“Good. Let’s watch that.” Levi sighed internally, he probably should have just agreed to whatever the first thing had been. As Erwin started the program and retrieved his wine glass, Levi snuck a glance at him. A childish gleam of excitement washed over his features as the program began. Maybe Levi had made the right choice after all.

They relaxed together, sitting on the couch and watching the film. By the time the food arrived they’d already moved closer together, and Erwin had even produced a soft blanket that lay over their knees. The food was good, the conversation turned to quiet, hushed tones made more to preserve the easy mood than convey meaning. Levi even found the hummus enjoyable. And he relaxed as time went on, shifting closer and closer until he found himself fitted neatly against Erwin’s side, one heavy arm over his shoulders. The film finished, and Erwin started another, not bothering to read the captions this time as he chose randomly.

They settled in, letting the night pass without protest. The weight of Erwin’s arm was comforting, and the blanket was warm. Levi looked over, about to comment on it, but his words never had a chance to come out. Erwin was already asleep, his head tilted back onto the cushion of the couch. It was probably time to leave; it had to be late if Erwin had fallen asleep. But the couch was very comfortable, and Levi wasn’t ready to shrug Erwin off just yet, wasn’t ready to disturb the peaceful influence of sleep softening the planes of his face. He would only stay ten more minutes…

Levi woke, tugged from sleep by a feeling of unease. The first thing he noticed was the smell. Acrid and sulfurous, his nose wrinkled as he turned from the flicker of the television to locate its source. The blanket no longer lay on his body; Erwin must have stolen it in his sleep. The large man was draped across the rest of the couch, head resting on its back, the uncomfortable angle lacing his even breaths with a wheezing edge. Crouched on his chest and stomach, laboring his lungs with its foul weight, sat a dark, hunched abomination.

The incubus. It was pretty fucking bold to show up here, right next to Levi. To try and feed on a man in his very presence. And the creature, as disgusting and smelly as it was, looked thin- desperate. Levi sneered- lower beasts should know their place.

His hand shot out, reaching for the filthy creature.

It turned, lidless eyes wide with surprise, a grating screech escaping its throat before Levi’s fingers cut it off. They wrapped around its neck, squeezing the wrinkled, papery flesh to close its windpipe before it had a chance to flee.

Levi lifted it, but the thing thrashed in his grip. It was small, but strong, nothing but bones and corded ropey muscle, a grotesque exaggeration of anatomy. Its screech turned to a hiss. It flailed. The incubus’s hands grabbed onto his wrist and forearm- anywhere they could find purchase. Levi squeezed tighter. His teeth grit with the effort. Pressing down on bone, too-sharp vertebra digging into his palm.

The thing’s back arched as it writhed in his grasp. Its cries were silent now, opening and closing on air and a wheezing the only sound that came from its mouth. There was a creak, and a slick popping noise. The incubus had revealed its wings. They exploded from its back. The renewed sulfur smell flooding from it made Levi’s eyes and throat sting.

He shifted, trying to keep his grip on the creature’s neck. The wings flailed, flapping and batting against his arm. Ragged claws raked over his skin, sending shooting trails of pain through his arm, making him loosen his grip. Levi swore. The thing’s violent motion and weight was more than he’d bargained for.

He threw himself forward at the thing, rollingonto the floor and grabbing at the creature on his way down, pushing the coffee table out of the way and taking the incubus with him.

They struggled, the creature flapping and wheezing. Claws scratching everywhere they could reach. Punctures and scrapes that made it hard for Levi to get a hand on it. Levi grabbed at the wings. He missed, their blood-slicked surface too slippery for purchase. Levi bore down on the incubus, trying a different tactic that relied less on his now-slick hands and using his weight to trap it under him against the floor. It flopped and beat against his chest, claws on its hands and feet flashing wildly as they tore his shirt and raked over his skin.

Pulse racing, Levi grabbed blindly. His fingers finally found something solid to latch onto on a gore-slicked wing. Forcing it to the floor, Levi pinned the wing under his knee. In one quick motion he leaned back to get a look at the writhing dark mass of wrinkly, putrid flesh and snatched a flailing limb.

The creature was stretched, fixed to the floor at two points.

But it was still struggling- its desperate motion quick and sharp. Its teeth gnashing, clicking angrily as it screeched and rasped now that it had recovered from the earlier hold on its neck. It needed to be finished off quickly.

With his free hand, Levi reached back behind himself.

He cleared his mind, ignoring the trails of burning pain, the warm seep of blood down his arm and chest where the incubus had scratched.

He imagned it clearly, summoning its shape and features, then felt its weight in his hand a moment later.

His fingers slid into place on its hilt, adjusting his grip on the knife.

He swung his arm forward, across his body. Once, to cut the beast- stun it with pain. The knife flashed, drawing a trail of red across the incubus’ chest. Its mouth open- a blood-curdling scream ripped from it. Twice- he slashed in the opposite direction across its neck, back the way his arm had come. Backhanded, all the power of his shoulder behind the blow.

The knife was sharp. Levi was strong. It sliced easily, only meeting resistance when the blade met bone.

He leaned into it, forcing the blade forward. With a final jerk, it tore through. Snapping the spine. Severing its head in a single swipe.

Its body convulsed. The sulfur scent thickened. Limbs twisted, wings stiffened. Then nothing. It lay still, smoldering under Levi’s wet hands. Levi let out a breath, moving his knee off its body and releasing a now-limp elbow. He sat back on his haunches, calming his breaths.

Returning to reality, Levi looked over at the couch. Erwin was awake. The whites of his eyes were visible. He’d sat up, pressing himself into the couch. Putting as much space between himself and the gruesome struggle.

“Wh- what the-?” Erwin began, looking from Levi to the carnage the creature had become and back. To the bloody knife still clutched in Levi’s hand.

Levi sighed, deflating slightly as the adrenaline fled from his body. The knife slipped from his grip, evaporating into nothing as his focus wavered and pain flooded through his arm and torso. His shoulders slouched. “Your incubus came back. So I got rid of it.”

Erwin swallowed. “I see that.” The larger man’s body had relaxed somewhat. He pulled the blanket out of the way from where it had pooled around his thighs and knees, sliding off the couch to join Levi on the floor. “But are you okay?” Erwin reached out, cupping Levi’s chin in a palm, tilting his face up. Concern was written across handsome features, unmistakable even in the dark of the living room. Mouth a tense line, stretched tight at its edges. Erwin didn’t blink, the focus of his gaze bore down, weighted and solemn.

Levi closed his eyes, nodding. Erwin’s anxiety reminded him of the throbbing in his arm, the other places he’d been scratched. His chest, shoulder, places he hadn’t thought the creature could reach. They all made their presence known to different degrees. Stinging with flashesof pain pulsing in time to his still-calming heartbeat. Levi opened his eyes and nodded again.

Erwin’s fingers on his chin were warm and steady. His thumb traced Levi’s jaw.

“I’m… fine,” Levi responded when he realized that the cloud of worry hadn’t faded from Erwin’s eyes. Hearing his answer, Erwin’s eyebrows moved up  as his face relaxed somewhat, fingers falling from Levi’s face. Surging forward, Erwin’s arms wrapped around Levi, enclosing him in a tight embrace. He pulled Levi to his chest, folding him into a crushing hug and pinning his arms to his sides. “Hey wh-” Levi tried to protest as the air was squeezed from his lungs. He tried to wiggle his arms, and then gave up- going limp and sagging against Erwin’s large form. Letting his body relax fully.

The pain was what made him finally force Erwin’s arms open. “Erwin, I’m fine,” Levi insisted, pushing the larger man back. “And I’ve gotten blood all over you. Now we’re both disgusting.” Erwin looked down at his white button-down, the dark smudges and prints of Levi’s and the incubus’ blood smeared on it. He looked back at Levi, seemingly noticing the scrapes and ugly gashes for the first time.

“Levi, you’re bleeding a lot.” Levi sighed, exhausted and exasperated.

“I know,” he answered Erwin. “I need to clean these up, who knows that kinds of diseases those things carry.” He shivered at the thought- more at the grime than the threat of disease.

Erwin’s expression of horror at his words made him choke off a snort. “Diseases? Is that a risk? Should you go to a doctor, or the hospital?”

Levi shook his head, getting up shakily. Erwin joined him, standing to put a large hand on Levi’s shoulder, steadying him. “No, don’t worry about it. I heal fast, we don’t need to go anywhere.” Turning toward the hallway, Levi walked wearily toward the bathroom, Erwin following- close as a shadow, hand never leaving his shoulder.

Once they reached the bathroom, Erwin helped him tug the t-shirt painfully over his head. Levi’s breath hissed as the fabric brushed over open scrapes. His left arm was much worse for the wear after the tussle with the incubus. Avoiding looking in the mirror, Levi shuffled closer to the tub and undid the button and zipper on his jeans with clumsy fingers.

“I can help. You’re hurt. Levi, let me help you.” Levi’s back stiffened, his feet rooting to the spot. He grit his teeth to keep from hissing in anger and pain as Erwin fussed, helping him out of his clothing. He waited, scowling at the floor as Erwin turned on the water in the shower and let it warm. Once it was heated he left the bathroom, telling Levi he was fetching more towels and clean clothing. Freeing Levi.

Levi stepped into the shower, gasping and wincing as the water splashed over him. He wanted to crowd to the back of the stall, to turn his back and hide the ragged oozing cuts from the water’s sting, but that wasn’t an option. More than the pain, he hated the idea of leaving his wounds unwashed. Besides, he’d already bled plenty and it was impossible to tell the extent of his injuries without washing some of it off.

Just as he eased himself into the spray, the burning edge dulling enough to get fully under the water, the curtain was pulled aside and Erwin stepped in behind him. The moment of cool air where the steam escaped was more than made up for as he turned to see Erwin bending down to pick up the soap. Christ, the man looked good naked. Even more so with the lights on. Levi noticed the burn of his cuts less as his eyes wandered over Erwin’s shoulders, his blond-dusted chest, as he straightened up. He looked quickly up to Erwin’s face, not wanting to be caught staring.

Erwin’s bushy brows were still knit with concern, lines of worry spread across his forehead. Levi watched the man behind him silently as Erwin built up a lather of soap, and didn’t resist when Erwin stepped close, close enough for Levi’s back to press into Erwin’s chest and abdomen.

“Let me help you, Levi.” The words made him tense again, jerking awkwardly away and turning to see the man commanding him before the flash of worry and a hurt look from Erwin made him heave a breath and accept the compulsion. He stared at the showerhead, letting Erwin close the distance he’d put between them. Erwin bent his head down, his low voice almost directly in Levi’s ear. “You’re hurt, and it’s my fault. That thing…” He trailed off, soapy hands stroking over Levi’s collarbones and shoulders. The tension fading from Levi’s unwilling body as Erwin washed him gently. “I thought I’d seen the last of it,” Erwin finished, as his large fingers brushed gingerly over the cuts on Levi’s chest. The soap stung, but not as much as the water had, and Erwin’s body was warm and solid behind him. Levi let himself relax, shoulders drooping, head falling back. His exhaustion keeping him from fighting the urge to resist. The growing sense of comfort soothed frayed nerves.

The touch was gentle, but thorough. Erwin worked over his chest slowly, washing away the blood and tracing each hurt with tenderness. He moved on to Levi’s shoulders and arms, starting on the side that had sustained less damage. The warm water flowing over him did not sting anymore. It pricked his face, but it was a welcome sensation. He could feel it sliding down his back, dripping between their bodies where they touched. He looked down, mildly surprised to see the angry red streaks and smudges diminishing as Erwin rubbed gently until his skin was revealed.

“It was desperate.”

Erwin stopped for a moment, taking in Levi’s words. “Desperate?” He asked.

“Yes. It looked thin. It hadn’t fed in too long. But you hadn’t seen it for a long time? Where would it have been?” Levi concentrated, thinking about it as Erwin moved on to his left arm, the one that still burned and pulsed with pain. The soap suds turned pink as Erwin washed him. Levi stared. Mesmerized by the flecks of blood-pinked soap clinging to the clear plastic shower curtain. His blood. He shook his head to clear it, focusing away from the pain and the disturbing sight. “Was there something stopping it from feeding? How have you been sleeping?”

“Like the dead.” Erwin had gotten to the elbow of his arm and was holding it out, into the water’s spray.

“Then, it’s something else. You haven’t had any dreams at all?”

Erwin finally finished washing Levi’s cuts and placed the soap down. He looked back at his arm. It was torn up in a few places, long gashes crisscrossing his forearm and a thin, deep slice travelling down his bicep. Innumerable small scrapes around his wrist. But nothing of too much concern, not if he could wrap everything properly. He healed fast. Levi was about to give up on this line of questioning when Erwin sighed and responded. “I’ve been using a sleep aid, and I haven’t had any dreams.” Stepping forward, extracting himself from Erwin’s embrace, Levi nodded.

Pills- that would do it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would lead to this. If I had known I wouldn’t have.” Levi shook his head at the explanation. He shut off the water and turned to face Erwin.

“It’s fine. I’m alive. The incubus is dead. Stop that shit though, it’s bad for you.” Erwin didn’t look convinced. His eyes were still downcast. Levi put a hand on his neck, stroking short wet hair. “Hey,” Levi said. He waited until Erwin looked at him, then stretched up on his toes, pulling Erwin down to meet him as their lips touched.

Just as Erwin deepened the kiss, their tongues sliding over each other briefly, Levi pulled away. “Okay, now I’m clean, but I don’t want to bleed all over the place and get dirty again.” Erwin chuckled, stepping out of the shower and handing a towel in to Levi. When he was dry, Erwin helped him dress the wounds, fixing sterile pads in place and securing them with athletic tape. It was a bit makeshift, but probably better than anything Levi would have come up with on his own.

Levi shot a dejected look at his filthy garments. Seeing where his eyes were, Erwin offered him some clean ones he must have brought in with the towels. “Sorry they’re not black, but it’s better than nothing, right?” Levi frowned.

“I can’t wear a t-shirt and shorts outside. Everyone will think I’m insane at this time of year.”

“Outside?” Erwin stared back at Levi, not understanding. It was his turn to frown. “Levi, you can’t be thinking of going home tonight. It’s so late. You’re injured. You should at least stay the night. For my sake, if not your own.” Levi sighed and snatched the clothing, shrugging the big t-shirt over his head and pulling on the soft gym shorts a moment later. The clothes were huge for him. The shirt billowed around him, making him feel childish with its extra cloth. He had to pull the drawstring so tight that the shorts bunched ridiculously at their waistband. But they were clean. And he was clean. And he was exhausted.

Levi headed out of the bathroom, toward the living room. Erwin caught his wrist.

“In the bed, Levi. You should sleep in the bed.”

With a small frown, Levi bit back any protests and sighed instead. There was no point in resisting now that he was so tired and weakened anyway.

Curled up in Erwin’s overly high thread count sheets, tucked under a warm duvet, Levi decided it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t so bad to be warm and comfortable. It wasn’t so bad to be fussed over. If the things he was compelled to do amounted to this, he could probably settle for it. His injuries would heal. And Erwin’s steady breath on his neck lulled him easily to sleep.

Chapter Text

When Levi invited himself back to the apartment just a few days after, a black duffel bag slung over his shoulder, his bruises were faded to nothing, cuts and scrapes already scabbed over and smaller than Erwin had remembered. They must be smaller, there had been a lot of blood in the shower. His soap had been marbled with it. He’d thrown it out, unable to look at the bar without his chest clenching protectively, remembering the shock and fear of that night.

Levi crouched on the living room floor, opened the bag and pulled a pair of black leather gloves from his pocket, sliding them on before reaching in. When asked what he’d brought, Levi removed the contents of the bag wordlessly, placing each item carefully on the floor in an arc. White chalk, thin taper candles, two large horseshoes, a rusty tin, and a number of long strings of heavy thread with small dried berries tied at regular intervals along their length. It was a bizarre collection, laid out on the hardwood floor of his apartment, but Erwin wasn’t about to question the man who’d fought a monster for him just days ago.

Standing back up, Levi rested a fist on his hip and began to explain. “I brought these to protect the apartment. Got horseshoes for your doors. Hang one above the front and the fire escape, with the ends pointing up.” He indicated the small tin. “Iron nails, just put them on your windowsills.” Picking up one of the long strings in a gloved hand, he held it out to Erwin. “And rowan berries. I’d recommend draping them around the windows, but they can really go wherever you like. Don’t leave any room out, especially ones with windows.”

All Erwin could do was take in the information. “Will this keep things from the other world away?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to exorcise some demons?” Erwin pointed to the chalk. Levi gave him an unamused look and picked up one of the slender sticks and the candles.

“You’d better hope not. A demon would be a much bigger problem than anything a little iron and herbs could deal with.” He walked past Erwin, heading down the hall to the bedroom.

“Do you need some matches? I have some in the kitchen.” Erwin indicated the candles he held. The shake of Levi’s head indicated a no. Filling in the explanation Erwin spoke, “Oh, so you’ve got a lighter then?” Levi stared at him, pausing for a moment before he answered.

“I don’t need one.” A flicker crossed grey eyes in the darkened hall, and Levi turned on his heel, set on his task. “I’m placing charms. I’d prefer not to be interrupted. You should put those things up in the meantime.” Watching Levi’s back retreating down the hall Erwin burned with curiosity. What was he doing with the chalk? With the candles? What would it look like? The temptation to follow, to watch, was great.

Something held Erwin back. Privacy, the right to keep his secrets, these things gave Erwin pause. He’d wanted Levi to open up to him, to explain more. It was impossible to ignore, especially after the incident with the incubus. Levi didn’t just seem strange and different, he was. He knew so much about the creatures and monsters haunting Erwin; he found nothing strange in it. As though it wasn’t strange at all, as though it was an ordinary part of life. And those times, when Erwin’s attention had slid, when he’d been unable to tell Mike the name of the man he was seeing, they were little hints and teases of something lurking beneath. Something he’d glimpsed in the times he’d seen Levi act strangely, when those around had their actions bent in subtle ways. There was some power Levi held- something strange, something secret. A power that had solidified, that flashed in the brilliant sharp glass of a blade that appeared with its master’s whim- that ended the night terrors in a powerful, violent slash and disappeared just as quickly. Erwin wished he could follow, but something held him back. His curiosity was not enough to overtake his resolve to give Levi the time and space for explaining on his own terms.

The horseshoe and nails were easy to hang, and Erwin went about the task as Levi exited the bedroom and moved on to the bathroom. By the time Levi had finished, Erwin had also, sorting out the rest of the remaining items and setting ones for the bedroom and bathroom into two different piles. They swapped places, Erwin hanging rowan around the bathroom’s small smoked-glass window while the sound of Levi’s hushed voice, the tap and scrape of chalk, reached him from the living room and kitchen in turn.

Entering the bedroom was when Erwin noticed it. There were no white marks visible, but he felt as though he had crossed a line as he stepped through the doorway. The air was heavier, its crackle made the hairs on his nape prick up in response. Oddly electric, somehow thick, the sensation wasn’t uncomfortable. Erwin thought suddenly of the bar. That same feeling to the atmosphere lingered. It made him smile. Levi had brought a part of its mystery to his apartment. To his life.

Things continued to go well for Erwin. For once he didn’t feel exhausted every day after work. Quite the opposite- in fact he somehow had more time than ever before. He started going to the gym regularly again, easing back into the swing and making his once or twice weekly into a daily occurrence for the first time in many months. He even tried cooking again. That didn’t go quite as well, and after charring salmon into firm inedible lumps on two separate nights and burning the bottom of a pot left on the stove for far too long, Erwin decided to go travel the path of least resistance and merely stocked his freezer with slightly healthier meals. The limp vegetables weren’t as good as home-cooked ones, and there was less of a feeling of indulgence now that most of the choices he’d picked weren’t of the deep-fried variety, but they still tasted good after a hard workout. Overall, things felt lighter, better. He had something to look forward to, someone to talk with, if the sparse messages he exchanged with Levi could really be called that. Levi would not pick up the phone, and never listened to voicemail, their communications were consumed exclusively in bites of 160 characters.

His lunchtime walks had grown more refreshing, the spirit of the upcoming Christmas holiday finally having insinuated itself into the stores and streets of the city. Endless red and green, arrangements of evergreen boughs in the planters by the sidewalk marched down the main shopping streets and dotted the thrumming business corridors of office buildings. Cinnamon and clove, peppermint and chocolate, tastes and scents of holiday flavors crammed everywhere he looked as his lunchtime coffee became sweeter, more festive.

Clutching a cup of peppermint white cocoa latte, Erwin found himself wandering idly by the river and took a seat on a bench, stretching his long legs out and leaning back to take in the scenery. Lampposts were wrapped with lights and red bows of faux velvet, the only time of the year anyone really made any effort at decorating their normally-bland profiles. Erwin blew on his coffee and thought about his favorite thing to think about these days: Levi.

He’d been seeing the other man with increasing frequency, and so far had always enjoyed their time together. It wasn’t easy; Levi working at the bar made his schedule erratic and unpredictable. He worked most nights, but sometimes they met for lunch, or coffee. It was worth it to Erwin. Any moments he could arrange with the other man were ones he looked forward to. And now that he thought about it, there was more that made Levi interesting. He recalled Hanji’s questions and chuckled to himself- they’d never gotten back to him with that list after all. Still, he didn’t know many things about Levi. Mundane things, but the kind of things you usually learned early on, almost as a formality. He’d imagined plenty of scenarios, dreamed up endless backgrounds and families that Levi could be a part of. But nothing really stuck, and whenever he thought to ask something in particular, it always slipped somehow sideways into the reaches of his mind once he was in Levi’s quiet, steady presence. There was no need for those questions.

There were other things too. Levi always wore the same clothing. Black, and lots of it. It matched, both his hair and his demeanor, but Erwin was beginning to suspect that the man might only own one pair of jeans. Was that even possible? He certainly owned one jacket- the safety pin on the zipper was a hard detail to ignore. Taking a sip of his warm drink Erwin pondered it- the weather had certainly gotten too cold for that jacket.

He’d also never been to Levi’s apartment, or house, wherever. Didn’t even know where it might be. But then, he might have roommates. Might be embarrassed- how much money did a bartender make? Probably not that much.

Erwin stood, his break had neared its end and he needed to get back to the office. As he walked back his mind flitted between the other oddities surrounding Levi. He was a man with plenty to keep Erwin’s mind occupied, plenty of quirks and details to turn over.

Sunday was a day off for Levi, and they’d agreed to meet at the natural history museum. It seemed like a good date spot to Erwin since they had the entire day. Especially now that the days were so short, dark and grey. As always, Levi had simply agreed.

He showed up soon after Erwin arrived, the dark outline of his body easy to spot as he mounted the white marble steps. Erwin stared for a moment, appreciating his effortless, fluid motion. It was something he would never tire of seeing, the way Levi moved, a sinewy black panther stalking through the city. His short leather jacket was unzipped and the ends flapped open in the wind, t-shirt flattened close to his body, giving Erwin a good view of the contrast between the muscular torso and narrow hips. Sucking in a breath, Erwin let himself look. There was no reason not to appreciate the physical appearance of this man. Not now that they were dating for real, not now that he could covet Levi’s body without feeling like a pervert or a creep.

Erwin smiled when Levi looked up, instantly recognizing and heading for him. “Hey.” The greeting was clipped, the same sparse conversation style Erwin had finally begun to feel accustomed to. No longer deterred by his companion’s awkwardness when it came to small talk, Erwin easily filled the silence for them both, greeting Levi and telling him about the work week, other casual tidbits. Patiently, Levi listened, walking by his side, as they entered the museum and waited in line to purchase tickets.

“I can pay today,” Erwin offered, looking over at Levi briefly.

“Don’t, it’s fine.” The response surprised Erwin, he had fully expected Levi to agree with a nod or a grunt. Not that he always paid, but it seemed natural. After all, he’d invited Levi here, he should be willing to foot the bill. Instead Erwin shrugged, approaching the counter and paying for his admission, then walking a little beyond the ticket woman to wait for Levi.

He watched as Levi stepped up to the counter. The cashier addressed him. He stared. Erwin craned his neck, trying to get a better view to make out their conversation. There wasn’t much conversation happening, and Erwin began to wonder what was taking so long. It was a simple matter, buying a ticket. And if it was going to be this much of an issue, he should have bought Levi’s too. Erwin watched more closely, interest piqued by his confusion. Levi continued to stare at the cashier, or just beyond them. He did not move, looking nowhere else. The people standing behind him in line didn’t look bothered, there was no fidgeting or shuffling, they noticed nothing. As though Levi wasn’t even there. As though there was no ticket counter in front of them to wait for. The room took on a slight chill, and Levi’s eyes looked flat and cold. The person behind the counter moved first, typing something mechanically on their keyboard before handing the printed ticket to Levi. Eyes no longer dull, body no longer still, Levi took the ticket wordlessly and walked over to join Erwin, eyebrows rising with a hint of surprise when he noticed Erwin’s stare.

The ticket woman scanned the barcodes they offered her, smiling as they passed into the high-ceilinged atrium of the museum. Erwin leaned down, close enough to whisper, “You didn’t pay, did you?” Levi shrugged, his hands immediately deep in the pockets of his fitted jeans.

“Why would I?” He asked. “I’m a member.”

Erwin stopped, mouth open, gaping. After a few steps without the larger man next to him Levi paused, turning to look. When he saw Erwin’s shocked expression he snorted. “Okay, you got me. I’m not a member. I’m just…persuasive.” The emphasis on the last word was subtle, and Levi’s eyes flashed with mischief as it rolled off his tongue. There was nothing Erwin could do but shake his head, half impressed, half exasperated. “You know, I got a free coat check if you want to.” At that Erwin couldn’t hold back a chuckle.

“You’re full of surprises, Levi.” With a shake of his head Erwin followed Levi to the coat check line and put his things into the care of the museum workers.

The hall with the ancient Egyptian artifacts was quiet for a weekend. Glass cases lit from above lined the walls, a few standing free in the center of the rooms they walked through. Quiet, the dark walls fading into the background, nothing distracting from the objects carefully placed on pristine pedestals, marked with numbers and explained briefly in crowded lists. “Canopic jar lid, image of human head”, “Cartonnage fragment, stone, 25-26 dynasty”, “Stela, figure, stone; sandstone, pigment”. Each item reduced to a name, the barest of identifiers, in some cases a date. Erwin moved around the room slowly, reading the descriptions and matching them with artifacts, gleaning what information he could from such mysterious descriptions.

Hanging back, Levi’s eyes flicked over the items. He did not step up to the glass like Erwin, did not peer down at the lit objects or read the painstakingly thought-out descriptions. Instead he wandered, taking some sort of silent inventory of his own after reading the posted exhibit information on the walls. Wondering briefly if Levi didn’t enjoy the museum or didn’t enjoy Egyptian artifacts, Erwin made a quick decision. This was going to be a fun date. He would see to that.

“Hey,” Erwin called softly, continuing when Levi’s head turned to face him, “says here that the study of medicine was very advanced in Egyptian times in part because of their complicated mummification rites.”

“Really? I don’t remember reading that.” Levi approached the spot where Erwin pointed at a plaque on the wall.

“Apparently you even had to be a specially trained artisan just to make the royal coffins. The man who did that had a royal title.”

A thin eyebrow arched up at Erwin’s assertion accompanied by a confused, “Oh?”

“Yeah,” Erwin continued, “you’d be the Pharaoh’s Sarcopha-Guy.”

Levi’s shoulders slumped and he let out a groan. Shaking his head, he stepped forward to smack Erwin on the arm while Erwin chuckled at his own joke. “That was awful.” But it did the trick, the restless tension momentarily dispelled.

They passed through the rooms, Erwin pointing out a beaded necklace or a tablet with an inscription on it. Each time Levi nodded, or grunted to signal his attention, but his eyes stayed nowhere long, his shoulders held up high and close to his neck. His discomfort became obvious when Erwin walked into a room lined with spectacular mummies. Sarcophagi stood like soldiers, arranged according to age and rank in the glass cases along the walls. Walking over to inspect a brightly-pigmented funerary mask Erwin paused, noticing Levi hovering at the room’s entrance.

“I’ve got another joke,” Erwin warned, fixing Levi with a serious look. Eyes flicking from their middle-distance stare to rest on Erwin’s face, Levi shrugged stiffly.

“Okay, shoot.”

“Why are archeologists so afraid to go to work?”

“…Why?” The toe of Levi’s boot tapping on the floor showed he was not ready to laugh. Undeterred, Erwin delivered his punchline with as much panache as he could muster.

“Because there’s such a high body count.” A snort escaped Levi, and Erwin counted it as a win when the tap of boots sounded on bare concrete and Levi crossed the threshold. Taking an audible breath, he stepped up to the glass, standing close, shoulder brushing against Erwin’s arm.

“We don’t have to stay in this exhibit.” Even though Levi had finally joined him, the discomfort was still there, Erwin could almost feel the tension in the body next to him. Levi nodded, confirming his suspicions.

“Good. Let’s leave. There are too many…things here.”

“Things?”

“Ghosts, feelings. This room is full of death, and not in a good way.” Levi waved a pale hand, indicating the mummies, their decorative wraps and casings. “We don’t call it that, but it’s grave robbery. Does robbing the graves of a people obsessed with protecting their worldly goods and their bodies for the afterlife sound like a good idea?”

“No.” Erwin filled in the obvious, his voice quiet as he turned over Levi’s words.

“But you don’t see anything? Feel anything?” Looking over to see Levi’s eyes intent on him, Erwin shook his head.

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” he added, noting the breath Levi seemed to let out as the smaller man’s shoulders relaxed and his posture turned less guarded.

Still, what Levi had said about the Egyptians was true. Obsessed with preparing a perfect resting place for all eternity, if anything could remain to hold a grudge they’d certainly have reason enough. These Egyptians were dead, they had passed into another realm, if such a thing existed. But what if this other realm was also connected to the one of the living? His hackles rose, the dark emptiness of the room suddenly foreboding rather than comforting as the thought occurred. “Are we in danger?”

Levi shook his head. “No. But the Jinni are watching us.” That was enough. They exchanged glances, and Erwin noticed the faint twitch in Levi’s lips, the signs of unease that still remained in the tightness of his jaw. Words he was not going to say, or perhaps more. Putting an arm around Levi’s shoulders, resting his hand on the man’s upper arm, Erwin steered them both from the exhibit, leading the way back through the white-marbled atrium and up a set of grand stairs. Towards somewhere with fewer dead bodies. Fewer ghosts and feelings.

Eventually they found themselves in the hall of gems. A long, black room filled with lit octagonal cases in neat rows. Not as dramatic as dinosaur bones, not as culturally interesting as the collections housing artifacts from the various Native American peoples. But quiet- stunning in a silent, glittering fashion. The way the room was arranged made it seem much larger than it was, the repeated form of the lit cases extending down the hall. Each held such precious items, rocks and crystals artfully arranged on different levels, spaced to maximize their brilliance and unique features. It was a good place to linger, pretending to look, while Erwin slowly closed the distance between them, while he followed closely enough that their arms brushed and their steps matched.

Alone in the dark of the room Erwin became Levi’s shadow, standing close behind him as he looked into the cases. Letting the smaller man feel his presence until Levi would come to a new case, stop, wait for Erwin, then lean back into him. Until Erwin could wrap his arms around Levi’s waist, pulling him close and feeling their bodies brush lightly through their clothing. In such a deserted corner of the museum it was easy to retreat into their own little world. One that was warm and dark, studded with gems, lit by their colorful shining facets.

Along one wall of the room Levi gave in, finally turning around to face Erwin when he felt large hands come to rest on his sides. Wordlessly Erwin bent down, and their lips met. Tentative, holding back like they had never tasted each other’s lips before. Whether it was from the nervousness of being caught or something else, Erwin did not know, but he let the kiss stay soft and chaste, soft lips and the barest hint of tongue, savoring the delicate moment. Letting Levi guide him, feeling their bodies slowly grow closer as hands wandered. It was not the desperate, intoxicating thing they had shared before. This was deliberate. This meant something.

They parted easily, continuing their wandering of the room, their perusal of the minerals laid out before them. But Erwin’s arm found its way around Levi’s waist and stayed there, while Levi slipped a hand behind Erwin to hook a thumb into the back pocket of his jeans.

“Levi, what are you doing for Christmas? It’s coming soon.” Levi hummed, not answering but not moving any further away either. Being more specific this time, Erwin asked again. “Are you spending the day with family?” The second question was similarly ignored. So Erwin waited, hoping the answer required only time. When they had looked at three more cases it became apparent that Levi was simply avoiding the questions, hoping they’d be forgotten, and Erwin tried again. “Levi, tell me what your plans are for the 25^th.”

At this Levi sighed, shooting a sharp look at Erwin, making him wonder how he’d offended the prickly man. He spoke, directing the words flatly toward the case of cold rocks before them. “I have no plans.”

“No plans? I understand if you don’t celebrate Christmas, but no one has ‘no plans’. I’m sure you have the day off. You’re not even thinking about going to the movies or something? Come on, Levi, tell me why you’re saying you have ‘no plans’.”

Levi sighed, still staring at the rocks. His face was lit by the display, sharp profile illuminated in the darkened room. His mouth twitched down at the corner, and his hands caught Erwin’s eye. Arms held stiffly by his sides, pale fingers clenched and relaxed, only to clench quickly again. Fists balled tight, knuckles turned white and tendons standing out from the force, Erwin watched the silent struggle as his own feelings wavered between curiosity and regret. Levi’s response, when it came, was strained. “I said that because it’s true. I don’t celebrate Christmas or my birthday.”

Erwin fixed on the second part of his answer immediately. “Your birthday? Your birthday is on Christmas? I had no idea.”

“Well, it’s not as though I told you.” Levi’s voice was quiet and his expression has softened.

“Then we have to do something. A double celebration. How old will you be?” Levi’s lips quirked oddly as he answered. “I’ll be thirty-two, just like last year.” At that Erwin chuckled, pulling Levi closer to his side until dark hair lay on his shoulder. “That’s not old. You don’t need to count it like some middle-aged woman yet.” The nodding of Levi’s head, a silent agreement, was one Erwin felt in its weight against his sweater.

So Levi’s birthday was that soon. Erwin lost himself in thought, planning their celebration. Planning how he’d sweep Levi off his feet. How he’d prove his good intentions to the man he’d held himself a respectful distance from since their ill-fated hookup. But the ice was thawing, and today he felt closer than ever to Levi, content just standing in the dark room, enjoying his presence, relaxed and unhurried in their meandering journey. He hardly noticed as a small hand slipped into his, only realizing its presence when Levi’s fingers laced through his and squeezed. When Levi turned to face him.

Gazing down, Erwin felt like he was seeing him again, somehow clearer. There was little time to stare, when their eyes locked they communicated instead by stretching up and bending down, by meeting in the middle with eyes closed, mouths open. The warmth of their connection built slowly, beginning as just exploratory touches and the tickle of exhaled breaths, growing with the slick addition of tongues. Their hands came unclasped as they sought new ground, on shoulders and backs, places that felt solid, that fixed them firmly to one another. Their kisses were drawn out, mouths moving slowly as they let themselves taste and feel the seconds.

Ten minutes later they exited the exhibit, shooed out by a suit-clad museum attendant. Erwin held back a giggle, seeing Levi’s glower and the slump of his shoulders, irritation still evident at their interruption. A telltale tinge of color showed on the edge of the smaller man’s ears and the back of his neck. They hurried off to retrieve Erwin’s coat, the day over and the museum about to close.

Before they parted ways Levi shot Erwin a sly look. “Hey Erwin,” he said, “You know, you’ve got a lot in common with those crystals we saw.”

“Oh, how so?”

“Well, because you, uh…” Levi paused, suddenly at a loss as he cast about, the confidence having faded from his face as he frowned in concentration, “…because you shine like…or something about flawless?...” Erwin pursed his lips, fighting the urge to laugh. It was clear that Levi was trying to make a pun and that it was going nowhere. Seeing him struggle through, it was obvious he hadn’t given any thought to it before opening his mouth. It was all very unlike Levi. “…a gem?...hard? Rocks are hard?...Shit,” Levi finished, exhaling angrily from his nose. “This is much harder than it looks.”

Keeping his amusement hidden at this point was almost impossible, especially when Erwin knew he could have made at least three jokes with the material Levi had just bumbled around. It was embarrassingly awful, but incredibly cute, especially now that Levi’s ears had turned a little pink. Shaking with suppressed laughter, he held back as much as he could, but he knew the broad smile creeping across his face would give him away.

“Your delivery needs work.” Erwin mustered as much seriousness as he possibly could, composing himself.

Levi shook his head, not missing the knots Erwin was tying himself in to avoid laughing. Before turning to go, he added. “Guess so. Maybe you can teach me a thing or two. Next time.” 

Chapter Text

As Christmas approached, festive decorations popped up in more places. Everything became sweet and decadent, the indulgence of the season insinuating itself in every sight and smell. There was classical music played in the lobby of the building Erwin worked in- an endless repeat of The Nutcracker until he could hear the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy in his dreams. His coworkers decorated their cubicles outside his office- garlands of gold and red, snowflakes and symbols of winter The holiday party came and went, and Erwin managed to get out of it early, stealing away before everyone got sloppy drunk and made bad decisions. It wasn’t that he disliked things like that, Erwin simply found it awkward- spending so much time and effort pretending he cared about people he’d spent the last few years ignoring as much as possible.

Instead, there was something else on Erwin’s mind. A present. He needed to find something for Levi. The combination of Christmas and it being Levi’s birthday made the search particularly difficult. A high-stakes bet, one he wasn’t willing to lose.

Lunchtime walks in the cold were spent gazing into stores, window-shopping and trying to imagine Levi’s reaction to different items. At first the search had been fun, exciting to imagine the possibilities. But, as the day grew nearer and the daylight hours shorter, the pressure increased. Levi was not an easy man to buy something for. He didn’t often express an opinion about much, didn’t seem drawn to any activity in particular. His hobbies were still relatively unknown to Erwin, or at least he didn’t mention them much. In a situation like this, Erwin would normally just buy someone food or alcohol. But that didn’t seem right either- Levi worked at a bar. It didn’t feel special enough.

Wracking his brain for an idea, any idea, Erwin pulled out all the stops over the next few days. He searched the internet after work, looking through innumerable holiday gift suggestion lists. The days grew shorter and colder. He thought about gifts he’d received and enjoyed, an espresso machine that he’d loved until it broke, a set of personalized cufflinks, kitchen gadgets he’d once found intriguing but no longer had any use for. None of those seemed quite right and the memories they were dredging up were becoming less pleasant as he thought about the gifts he’d discarded or hidden over the past few years. As his mood turned sour he abandoned that line of thought. A dusting of snow fell, clinging to the thin branches of the trees but melting on the still-warm asphalt of streets. Erwin even texted Hanji later that evening, asking their advice and regretting it when he saw the bizarre list of suggestions they gave. Erwin had no idea what Levi would do with a spot welder, and he was pretty sure tickets to the surgical museum weren’t the best idea either. Giving up for the night, Erwin hoped he’d have some last-minute inspiration. Overnight a more serious snowfall occurred, and finally left the city quiet and white, muted by a blanket of cold that stilled an anxious, fitful sleep.

The morning after the snowfall, Erwin stared out the window of his living room as he drank coffee. The sun hadn’t come up yet and the streetlights were still on, orange circles in crisp snow. Peering down into the street he watched a dog walker. Stared at the snow covering the neat lines of parallel-parked cars. Wondered when the salt truck would come by. A woman passed by- taking a morning run. Erwin shivered involuntarily, hoping she was wearing enough clothing for the weather, glad he could run at the gym after work without freezing his ass off. Even when he’d run outside more frequently he’d never liked the change of seasons and the cold.

The cold. Erwin paused, cup halfway to his mouth. No one liked being cold.

That was it. That was perfect. Erwin knew what he was going to get Levi.

As his coffee disappeared, sip by sip, Erwin rolled the idea over and examined it. Planning the details, exactly where he’d go to purchase it and how he would choose. It solidified in his mind. This was a gift Erwin could visualize for his boyfriend.

This was a gift that came in black.

On Christmas day Erwin puttered around as best he could before Levi came over. He made breakfast and spiked his coffee with a shot of Irish Cream. He paced, staring out the window as a dusting of fat flakes floated lazily down into the silent streets. Unable to shake the vague feeling that he should be doing something, he even went to the gym, running most of the nervous energy out on the treadmill as he watched a lively televised megachurch service with the sound off. When he got back, the strange unease of Christmas alone had mostly faded, replaced by the warm water of his shower and the knowledge that Levi would be visiting soon. To get in the spirit Erwin even located his favorite red sweater- a warm Nordic knit with reindeer that Hanji had found novelty matching socks for a few years ago. He put the socks on too, it would be a shame to separate the pair.

When Levi arrived, Erwin welcomed him in, ushering him into the warmth of the apartment and waving him over to sit on the couch as he went into the kitchen to retrieve hot cocoa.

“Do you want marshmallows?” he called, turning for a moment to see Levi sitting with his chin resting on top of folded arms over the couch’s back, watching him.

“No.”

“Good. I don’t think I have any,” Erwin muttered, pushing through the cabinets and giving up. “How about booze?” Out of the corner of his eye Erwin saw Levi’s dark hair rise in a nod and he pulled a bottle of rum from the collection of liquor bottles pushed up against the refrigerator.

Two steaming mugs were set on the coffee table in front of the couch, and Erwin left his while he retrieved Levi’s gift from the bedroom. He placed the large rectangular box, wrapped in red paper with ‘Happy Birthday’ in bold white repeating letters, on the table while Levi sipped spiked cocoa.

“Is that for me?” Levi stared at the box, then at Erwin, his eyes flitting between the two suspiciously.

“Well, it’s not my birthday, and there’s no one else here, is there?” Erwin picked up the box, offering it with little eager bounces until Levi put the cocoa down and took it from his hands.

Levi stared at the box. “It’s big,” he said, hefting it. Erwin nodded, leaning back on the couch with his cocoa, enjoying watching Levi turn the box over and shake it briefly. “You didn’t have to.” Levi stared at him again, his expression unreadable.

“I wanted to. It’s your birthday. And Christmas. Open it.”

Thin fingers slipped under the tape, unwrapping the package without tearing or ripping. When he’d uncovered the box within, Levi quickly folded the used paper, turning the sticky edges of tape in on themselves, before placing it back on the table. He opened the box.

“What?…Erwin…” From the box, Levi lifted a coat. Its heft was obvious in his hands, fine black wool with a collar and two rows of shiny black buttons. He held it up, turning it to look at the pockets and the back side.

“It’s a coat, Levi. Do you like it?”

In answer Levi stood, sliding the coat on over his t-shirt and rolling his shoulders as it settled on his frame. He buttoned it half-way, smoothing the lapels out before holding his arms out in front of himself and inspecting the sleeve length. It was a perfect fit. Erwin had doubted whether he’d guessed correctly, Levi’s shoulders were broad and his height made it difficult to choose the correct size. But the coat looked like it had been made for Levi. Tailored and sophisticated, it was longer than Levi’s leather jacket, providing more warmth without hiding too much of his body. “Do you like it?” Erwin repeated, staring openly as he drank his cocoa too quickly.

“Yeah,” Levi breathed, running his fingers down the front, “I like it.” Erwin smiled, it was probably as ringing an endorsement as he’d ever get from Levi, but he could tell it was genuine. How Levi’s fingers lingered as they stroked the wool, the slightly dazed way he kept staring down at it, both were proof that Erwin had chosen correctly. Levi paused, suddenly looking over at Erwin. “Wait, I have something for you as well.” He walked back over to the door, taking off the coat and hanging it next to his leather jacket. From the jacket pocket he pulled a folded white envelope.

Sitting down on the couch, Levi handed the plain envelope to Erwin. “Here.”

“Is this a Christmas gift?” Erwin asked, looking down at the sealed envelope in his hands. He unfolded it. The paper wasn’t flat, something inside made it crinkle and bulge slightly.

“Not exactly,” Levi answered as Erwin tore the end off. “I would have given this to you earlier, but I was waiting until the solstice to make it. So it would be more powerful.”

The envelope’s contents fell into his hand as he tilted it: a woven black circle lay on his palm. No larger than a quarter, the wide, round band was incredibly light. Erwin picked up the ring, surprised by how flexible it was- how it pinched in where he held it. He turned it, marveling at the fine, shiny strands making it up, twisted and braided into a complicated pattern. “Is this a ring, Levi?” He looked up, staring at Levi who sputtered into his cocoa.

“Yeah. I mean. Not like that.” Levi glared at him for a second before staring into his cocoa. “It’s for protection. It will keep things away, at least most of them.” Nodding, Erwin slipped the ring onto the finger he thought most likely to fit it, the middle finger of his right hand. “You don’t have to wear it as a ring or anything, if you put it on a chain and wear it around your neck it will still work-”

“That’s fine,” Erwin said, “I like it this way.” The ring fit, something he had thought wasn’t likely given its size. Somehow it had gone easily over his knuckle and sat snugly on his finger- its presence barely felt like anything. With such a slight weight, it felt more like the briefest brush of silk against his skin. It was like something he swore he’d felt before. Something seemed familiar about its color, the thin strands- “Levi, what is this made from?”

Levi took a big gulp of cocoa and looked away.

“Hair,” he answered.

Erwin stroked the ring slowly. That was why it was so familiar. It was the exact color of Levi’s hair, and suddenly the way it felt, the slippery softness against his skin, made perfect sense. It conjured images in his mind that made him shift, not uncomfortable, simply warmer and more aware of how close Levi sat. How their knees touched. As Erwin’s finger ran over the ring he thought of how Levi’s lips felt on his own and how the edges of dark bangs brushed against his face when they kissed. “Thank you, Levi,” he murmured, finishing his own cocoa and gazing at the man sitting somewhat stiffly next to him. The man who had woven a black ring from his own dark hair. Who had given that ring to Erwin.

“Why don’t we try out your new coat? It would be fun to take a walk and see the Christmas decorations before it gets dark. We could go to the park and go ice skating.” Levi agreed, seeming amused by the idea, and they headed out into the evening.

The park was not close, but the walk was full of things to see. Decorations and holiday arrangements sat cheerfully in shop windows, the planters on the sidewalk full of evergreens and holly. It was incredibly quiet, the city feeling silent as most people stayed indoors to celebrate. Erwin felt as though they had stepped into a bubble, just Levi and him, and the sound of their footsteps on the sidewalk as they moved through the city. There were people, and cars, but so many fewer as they passed darkened restaurants and closed businesses.

It felt as though little time had passed when they came to the wide street separating them from the band of parklands by the lake. The line of buildings broke, revealing the grey but still-light sky. They walked through the park, past the dark skeletons of leafless trees, their branches fanning out above and reaching into the cold sky. Past tufts of grass and shrubs, landscaping that would be charming in the warm weather but was now dull and dry, sharp points jutting from under the dusting of snow. Everything buried, sleeping, whipped by the chilly winds off the lake.

There was no one manning the skating area- the thin ribbon of concrete winding through the park that was flooded and turned to ice seasonally was covered by a layer of new-fallen snow.

“What should we do?” Levi asked, looking dubiously at the knee-height railing between them and the ice. “We don’t have skates. And it’s closed.”

“I was hoping they’d be open,” Erwin admitted, “you can usually rent skates.” He looked at the ice. He looked at Levi, arms crossed and frowning slightly. He looked back at the ice.

“You know…” Levi said. Erwin looked back to his face and caught a twitch in his thin lips. “We don’t really need skates. It’s not like there’s anyone here to yell at us.” He walked up to the railing and stepped easily over it. He stood, legs further apart than usual, testing his balance, then moved one leg forward. His boots slid easily, and Erwin couldn’t help himself from smiling as he joined Levi on the other side of the rail. The ice was slick and smooth under the snow, and though it felt strange to slide on it in his shoes, Erwin soon discovered that it was easier to keep his balance than he’d thought it would be. As long as he didn’t lift his feet too high he could glide over the ice with Levi, bumping against the rail and pushing off from the lip of concrete running along the edges.

Levi found his footing quickly, and Erwin wasn’t surprised as he skated over the firm surface, brushing the snow away with his feet and leaving neat trails in his wake. It turned into a game, who could go around the winding corners more quickly, who could avoid the short railings. They picked up speed in their half-run, half-slide and Levi whipped himself around a corner, using the rail to move forward.

They fooled around, bumping into each other awkwardly and fumbling for balance as they clutched at each other’s clothing. Pushing off and sliding away, the slippery surface under their feet making it hard to stay in one place for long.

Erwin eased quietly up behind Levi when he stood, resting for a moment. Then, he placed a hand squarely on the smaller man’s back, pushing hard, trying to shoot him across the ice, laughing when he just flopped forward a few steps, bending at the hips instead. Levi turned, making a face. “I’ll get you for that, Erwin,” he teased, sliding away and putting distance between them. Levi was fast, and Erwin struggled to build up speed, moving his legs too quickly and shuffling back and forth as they slipped under him. It was too hard to keep up, and Erwin resigned himself to following, watching Levi’s dark figure move over the ice, his motion as fluid and controlled as ever. Pausing by the rail, Erwin pulled out his phone and snapped a few photos. Framing the shots with the skyline in the background, zooming out until Levi was a small, singular silhouette against the greys and browns of the park’s hibernating trees and the winking glass and metal beyond. He skated closer, zooming the camera back in to frame Levi, hoping to get a candid shot of his face- the wind-bitten ears and cheeks, the puffs of steam as he exhaled.

Snapping photos lazily, Erwin felt the cold air fill his lungs. The sky was growing darker, mid-afternoon turning to night too quickly across the monochrome landscape. He tried to get closer to Levi. Skating with only one arm for balance was difficult though, and Levi was taunting him, turning his back whenever he saw Erwin pointing the phone in his direction. In a last-ditch effort he pushed off hard from the rim of the rink and moved his legs, sliding each out in powerful strokes. Whipping across the ice, Erwin called out to Levi to get his attention, snapping a photo just as the smaller man turned his head and losing his footing in the same moment.

The solid ice disappeared under him, replaced by slick nothing. There was nowhere to put his weight. Except everywhere at once. Flailing, he went down. His ass hit the ice, his shoulder banging down a second later. The impact was jarring; Erwin’s teeth clicked, breath pressed from his lungs. A dull pain from the impact spread through his hips and shoulder. But, as Erwin rolled onto his back with a groan, it was mostly his pride that was wounded. He groaned, staring into the grey nothing of the sky above as a few flakes of white began to fall, landing as points of cold on his nose and cheeks.

He groaned louder, exaggerating his agony, and looked over to sneak a peek in the direction Levi had been. The man had stopped and was turning. Erwin slid his phone back into his coat pocket with as little movement as possible, lying still as he continued to make loud, pathetic noises. He screwed up his face a little more, going for a tight, pained look. Flopping a leg weakly, he heard Levi approach and struggled to keep his features schooled.

“Hey, you okay, old man?” Levi leaned over him, blocking most of the cloudy, featureless sky. His dark bangs hung down from his forehead, cheeks brushed with cold, the only hint of concern coming from the slight lines in his forehead above grey eyes and thin brows.

Erwin pounced, pulling him down by the arm. Levi fell on top of him, knocking the wind from him again with his weight. He yelped and Levi made a small tch sound. Struggling for a moment in a tangle of limbs, Levi wriggled around as they both grunted and misplaced their elbows. Until Levi found his balance and straddled Erwin, sitting up on his hips. With pursed lips he stared down at Erwin, amusement flashing in his eyes as he shook his head.

“You fucking jerk,” Levi said the playful tone making Erwin grin as he slid a hand up Levi’s thigh, squeezing the muscle through thin denim.

“Don’t be mean, Levi,” Erwin joked, “I was really hurt.” He slid his other hand up Levi’s other thigh, fingers kneading them both and travelling slowly up towards Levi’s ass.

“Look me in the eye and say that,” Levi challenged, sitting up to look down on Erwin from as high as he could, giving a quick huff and crossing his arms over his chest.

“I was hurt that you didn’t want to skate with me.” Erwin’s hands rested on Levi’s hips.

“Bullshit. What, exactly, were we doing, then?” Uncrossing his arms, Levi placed both hands on Erwin’s shoulders and leaned closer, making Erwin’s heart race. Being under Levi was a special perspective, one that made his breath heavy and his pulse quicken. His weight on Erwin’s hips felt solid, warming him, reminding him as his desire awoke. Unable to resist, Erwin squeezed Levi’s ass, almost groaning at the resistance he felt.

“You’re too fast, he answered. Levi cocked his head to the side and wiggled his hips, making Erwin groan for real.

Levi leaned down further, until their noses brushed. His face filled Erwin’s vision. Closing his eyes at the last moment, his fingers grasping desperately at Levi’s ass, Erwin shivered when he felt Levi’s breath ghost over his upper lip. “Not fast enough that you couldn’t catch me,” Levi whispered, as their lips brushed.

And in that moment, he had caught Levi. Erwin reveled in it, eyes closed to the world. The only sounds worth hearing, the soft air of their breathing and the swish of wind in Levi’s hair, filled his ears. The only feelings worth having, their closeness and the warmth where their lips found each other, rooted him to the moment. Their mouths opened, Erwin eager to deepen the kiss just as Levi stiffened above him. He sensed rather than saw the sudden loss as Levi sat up, and Erwin opened his eyes. As he looked in the direction Levi was facing, he heard what must have cut them short.

“-Hey! I know there’s someone there! The ice is closed- that’s trespassing!”

“Fuck,” Levi grumbled, “that guy looks kind of official. Don’t think he’s actually seen us though.” He stood up quietly and held out a hand. “Let’s get out of here before he throws a shit fit,” he said as Erwin took the offered hand and pulled himself up.

They snuck back across the ice, doing their best to look casual while Levi rolled his eyes and continued to grumble a steady stream of displeased expletives and Erwin tried not to laugh. Just as they were stepping over the railing, a man rounded the closed skate-rental stand. He spotted them immediately. Waving his arms and yelling, “Stop! You’re trespassing!” Erwin only had a moment to see the man reach for a walkie-talkie before Levi tugged hard on his hand.

“Let’s run.” Levi’s eyes flashed with mischief and Erwin swore for a moment that he’d seen a smile before he nodded his response. Turning their backs on the man, they ran into the park. Through the thin carpet of snow, Erwin’s stride soon recovered from the awkwardness the ice had instilled. The evening had darkened and the lights were just beginning to come on. They ran down the first path they found, away from the ice, away from the yelling, putting as many feeble dead trees between themselves and his noise as possible.

The park was quiet, their footfalls muffled by snow. Lazy flakes continued to fall. The chilly air dulled the rush their flight had brought as they settled into a comfortable pace. Jogging rather than the flat-out dash they’d made before. Erwin followed Levi, then jogged up next to him, their feet slowing when they got closer to the road. By the time they left the park they were walking at an easy pace- close, Erwin with his arm slung casually around Levi’s shoulders.

Eventually they reached Erwin’s apartment building, white and phosphor-bright lights decorating the trees and dotting the street turned the falling snow to flecks of lazy orange whipped in eddies by the wind.  Once inside they both collapsed onto the couch. Levi pulled his feet up, crossing his legs as Erwin spread lazily across the other end of the cushions. They defrosted under a fleece blanket, inching closer as their fingers thawed. Erwin suggested dinner and ended up poring over a Chinese takeout menu while Levi made noncommittal noises at each suggestion. After some five minutes of this, Erwin settled on old standards and placed the order. He flipped on the television, searching through his streaming services for a while before getting up to use the bathroom and leaving the remote to Levi.

When he got back, Levi had picked something, and Erwin was surprised to be greeted by old Christmas movies. As much as Levi protested, it looked like he wasn’t above Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Suppressing a grin, Erwin slid back onto the couch and under the blanket. They watched the stop-motion animated characters on television as they both relaxed. When the food arrived they dug in, the dumplings and stir fired vegetables disappearing easily between the two of them as they washed everything down with beer Erwin fished from the fridge.

Chinese food and beer pleasantly warming his belly, Erwin stretched with a satisfied groan. He relaxed further into the couch, easing his back against the armrest as Levi shifted and pulled the blanket up higher. Half watching the movie, half basking in the warm glow of the holiday and Levi’s company, Erwin felt the moment completed when Levi’s knees unwound and his feet made their way into Erwin’s lap. They felt good there, adding to the blanket’s weight, heels pressing down on his thighs. Moving with Levi, restless when he was, still when he was, they were a bridge connecting the two men as they sat.

Stealing a hand under the blanket, Erwin stroked the top of Levi’s foot idly. They wrapped around it, calming its occasional motion, stroking it through his sock. Learning its curve, where the hard lines and rises of tendon and  bone lay. It shouldn’t have been surprising, just how small it was, how his fingers could easily encircle Levi’s ankle. As he rubbed the tension from Levi’s Achilles’ tendon, Erwin pondered the disconnect. Somehow he kept failing to fit the reality of Levi’s size into his picture of the man. Somehow Levi’s presence always felt so much larger.

A second hand slipped beneath the blanket and Erwin tugged the socks from Levi’s feet. He continued touching them, rubbing the skin with only a light pressure as his fingers built a more accurate image in his mind. They mapped out the height of Levi’s arches, the patch of sparse hair on their tops, the way one of Levi’s index toes crooked stiffly to the side as though it had been broken and set poorly. Every inch treated with the same care, worked warm as Levi relaxed under his hands. Every detail adding to the picture of pale, charmingly ragged feet in his mind as his attention shifted from the movie to the man sitting next to him.

Cupping one of Levi’s feet in both hands, the one with no bent toes, Erwin watched the man next to him reclining on his sofa. His fingers moved, pressing small circles into the flesh of Levi’s arch, working their way up and down with purpose as he massaged. Levi’s eyes closed, and he leaned back further into the cushions, only watching the movie with one eye that he opened partway. Erwin squeezed a little too hard, easing up immediately when a moment of tension crossed Levi’s brow. It was tricky, finding the balance between tickling and pain where the massage felt best. Discovering how Levi liked to be touched.

He knew he’d hit the perfect rhythm when Levi slowly unwound. Sinking back into the sofa, attention falling away from the television entirely as the muscles in his foot became soft and pliant under Erwin’s fingers. The way his shoulders dropped, and the lazy stretch of his neck both drawing Erwin’s attention and increasing the heat of the blanket in his lap. The toes of the foot he hadn’t yet massaged pressed into his thigh, moving closer to his groin in unpredictable increments and making it difficult to focus on the task he’d set for himself. When he finally switched to the other foot Levi let out a tiny whine, and Erwin felt a thrill of tightness in his groin at the sound. He wasn’t the only one enjoying this. Levi’s other foot in his hand, warm skin under his fingers, Erwin kneaded and stroked. His fingers paused on the harshly bent toe, squeezing it gently, charmed by its slight imperfection. Still so relaxed, Levi did not protest, the vulnerability of his pose striking Erwin in a way he hadn’t previously considered. Always poised and powerful, the man now lay stretched on his couch, small pleased sounds escaping him each time Erwin’s fingers rubbed just so. Levi sitting on his couch. Levi letting himself be touched so intimately. The reality of it made Erwin hot and eager, and holding back his desire became difficult. In an effort to draw more of the delicious responses from his lover he focused on the middle of Levi’s arch, the part that drew the longest sighs from the man as he studied Levi’s face. The low airy sounds stirred his imagination further, making his own legs shift as he tried to alleviate the growing pressure of his pants. Despite his own excitement, it was probably most relaxed than he’d ever witnessed Levi, and Erwin never wanted it to end. He wanted to catch it, to hold it tight, to allow Levi to feel whatever it was that softened his sharp features like this forever. But the growing heat of the blanket and his own increasing response to every one of Levi’s lazy movements in his lap was more than enough to urge Erwin on.

Leaning forward, his hands snaked up the denim covering Levi’s legs until he was feeling for the button and zipper. His fingers ghosted over the half-hard bulge at the front of Levi’s jeans before they tugged at the button, freeing it. Erwin was pleased to find Levi’s hips lifting up into his touch, letting him ease the tight jeans off. He pulled Levi’s underwear off with them, the groan from the smaller man confirming that he wasn’t the only one affected by their closeness. 

Levi leaned forward, a kiss brushed against his lips as a hand fisted into his sweater, pulling him down. But Erwin resisted, instead pushing Levi back as he sat up.

“Wha-?” Levi looked at him, eyebrows high.

“It’s Christmas,” Erwin said.

“So what?” The blank confusion in grey eyes told Erwin he needed more explanation.

“And it’s your birthday,” Erwin added, “So I wanted to spoil you a little.” Letting his hands do the rest of the talking, Erwin’s fingers stole around one of Levi’s bare calves. He squeezed the muscles in turn, working into the firm flesh and pressing along the grooves between them.

Levi let him work, answering, “Okay,” with only a hint of doubt in his voice as he adjusted himself on the couch and slowly relaxed, easing further into the cushion as Erwin’s hands moved over his legs.

He watched Erwin from his spot on the couch, his gaze growing heavy as his muscles softened under Erwin’s fingers. It made the blanket even warmer, having those eyes radiating their heat over him, but Erwin liked the mystery the blanket offered. He liked knowing that Levi wore only his t-shirt underneath. That there was nothing between their skin, even if it was hidden from view. That his fingers could travel where they wished unhindered. And they did, pulling occasional sharp gasps and increasingly loud exhales from Levi as they stroked at his legs, tight circles traced with and against the grain of hair.

Moving upward, they roamed over Levi’s thighs as Erwin leaned closer and lifted Levi’s legs up over his lap. Parting them slightly to slip a hand between, to curl his fingers as far as they would reach around Levi’s legs while they kneaded. It was more difficult to focus on the massage now that his fingers grazed the softer skin of Levi’s thighs, as they moved closer to his groin, and Erwin noticed the tenting of the blanket over it. As much as he wanted to feel every inch of Levi, to chart the location of every hair and draw the curve of every muscle, his own arousal was making it increasingly difficult.

With a mind of their own, his fingers were drawn to Levi’s crotch. They brushed casually against Levi’s cock, retreating to continue the massage just as Levi’s hips rose. They stroked Levi’s inner thigh, moving higher between his legs until they skimmed over his balls. Always, his fingers pulled back, making Levi adjust his position, legs stretching and fidgeting continually over his lap until the tightness of Erwin’s pants became distracting.

“Erwin, you said you wanted to spoil me, not kill me, right?” Erwin looked up, his hyper-focus on the task of exhaustively mapping Levi’s legs broken by the color that shone under pale cheeks. He nodded. “Then fucking touch me,” Levi stated, biting his lip and lifting his thighs to press into Erwin’s hands. In a quick, decisive motion, Erwin’s hand wrapped around Levi’s cock, squeezing it under the blanket as Levi sighed in relief and rocked against his palm.

Unable to stay passive for so long, Levi sat up, forcing himself onto Erwin’s lap. The blanket laid loosely over them, covering Erwin and most of Levi’s legs, but leaving the space between them bare where Erwin’s hand curled around Levi’s stiff cock and stroked it in a loose grip. Levi’s hands came up, insistent in pushing Erwin’s shoulders back into the couch. Grey eyes and dark hair were all he saw as Levi pressed against him, their mouths meeting and parting. Levi’s weight on his lap made Erwin’s chest burn warm, the hand that wasn’t already occupied sliding around Levi’s hip to grasp at  his bare ass.

The warmth soaked into Erwin, the heat of Levi’s hard cock in his hand, the matching temperature rising in his groin as Levi ground into his lap, the soft fleeting touch of Levi’s lips on his own. He barely noticed Levi’s wandering hands, how they slid down to his crotch, working at fabric between them until he had to shift and squirm when nimble fingers freed him of his pants and underwear. Between shallow kisses, placed at unpredictable intervals over his lower lip and the corner of his mouth while Erwin tried to guess their next location, he sighed and relaxed, pulling Levi’s comforting weight close as their cocks pressed together.

“Who’s spoiling who now,” Erwin murmured, eyes closed as he submitted to the fleeting brush of Levi’s mouth, never meeting his own for quite long enough to pull them into a deep kiss. In answer, Levi’s hips rolled on him, seeking friction as Erwin’s thumb slid over the head of his cock, sliding through the precum collecting there. Moving his hands to curl them around Levi’s hips, stilling their motion, Erwin leaned back to pause. “Wait. I’ve got to get some things from the bedroom.” With a reluctant but understanding sigh, Levi climbed off, plopping himself back on his side of the couch. He leaned back, stretching like a cat, the extension of his bare legs and arms highlighting the flushed curve of his cock against his black t-shirt.

“Or we could finish the movie,” Erwin joked, nodding to the television, as Levi scowled mid-stretch.

“Fuck that,” Levi grumbled. “Just go get your shit already.” Pushing the blanket from his knees, Erwin stood, stepping out of the small pile of pants and underwear tangled at his feet. Out of the corner of his eye he caught Levi watching, eyes trained on the bareness below his sweater as they flicked up and down. “Nice socks,” Levi deadpanned as Erwin felt his face heat and hurried down the hall to the bedroom.

While he retrieved condoms and lube, Erwin removed his socks. When he returned to the living room, Levi was splayed out on the couch. The heaviness of Levi’s eyes on him as he approached made his heart pound. Levi stared the way Erwin wanted to, not bothering to hide his desire as he stroked himself lazily, too preoccupied to have even taken his shirt off. Erwin slid onto the couch, fitting himself between Levi’s calves as his legs parted to either side. He dropped the things he’d brought onto the floor within reach and leaned over Levi, his hands finding the soft skin of Levi’s hips and travelling up his sides as they worked the t-shirt higher. Leaning down, he buried his nose where Levi’s legs and hip met, nipping gently at skin warmed by Levi’s pulse while the man above him gasped. He continued, licking and mouthing his way up and over, avoiding the curve of Levi’s cock, but travelling along the dark trail of hair to kiss at his navel. The muscles of Levi’s abdomen jumped under his lips as Erwin felt fingers lace into his hair, tugging and gripping, holding his head close.

He pushed Levi’s shirt up farther, lingering wet kisses following the dark hem as it rose. Savoring every part revealed, appreciating much of him for the first time: in the light with nothing to hurry or distract. Erwin’s fingers paused, tracing a ridge of scar over Levi’s side, his head moving to the spot as Levi tensed. Its raised edges were ragged, pale tissue forming a small starburst with a line roping from it, framed by pocked dots are regular intervals. An old scar, faded and silver, Erwin traced the pits left when it had been stitched and wondered how he hadn’t noticed it before.

Realizing that Levi had gone still, frozen in place, Erwin looked up to see his gaze averted. He was staring somewhere into the distance, over Erwin’s head, and Erwin felt a pang of guilt at bringing whatever memory he was contemplating back. He pressed his lips gently to the skin, looking up at Levi’s face as he traced the scar’s outline with the soft pad of fingers and the slip of his tongue. Dipping briefly into the gouged center of the mark, Levi snapped back to reality, and Erwin kissed at the skin, sucking lightly while the sharp lines fell from Levi’s eyes and their cold grey warmed.

Moments later Erwin tugged Levi’s shirt off in the space of a desperate breath between kisses as Levi relieved him of his sweater. With nothing between them their bodies grew closer, hands and arms trying to fit their angles together as they shifted, gradually working closer until Levi sat almost in Erwin’s lap. The heat growing even without the blanket, their kisses finally deepened to things driven by instinct- open and needing. The way Levi’s tongue flicked over his own, the noises coaxed out as Erwin grew bolder, rolling Levi’s lip in his teeth, spurred him on. They made him hungry and rushed when he desperately wanted to slow down.

Breaking away for a breath and scooting back, Erwin leaned over to grab the lube from where he’d left it on the floor. He opened the cap, squeezing some onto his fingers as Levi extracted his legs and shifted, moving and turning into the couch’s corner as he got on his hands and knees.

“This angle is probably easiest…” Levi trailed off.

“Wait-” Erwin shook his head, “-it was better before.” As much as the sight of Levi’s bare ass displayed made his cock twitch, that wasn’t what Erwin wanted this time.

Arranging himself somewhat reluctantly, Levi sat back on the couch so that they faced each other again.  As he settled back into the corner, Erwin moved closer, guiding Levi’s leg between his body and the cushions. Folding one of his own legs up while letting the other hang off the couch, Erwin got as close as he could. Lifting Levi’s thigh with one hand, Erwin stroked his slicked fingers briefly over the yielding skin of Levi’s balls. As they slid lower, kneading lightly as they moved, Erwin noticed that they were both watching. He traced the sensitive skin between the cheeks of Levi’s ass, passing over the muscle buried between as though it wasn’t there at all. The light touch was effective: Erwin could feel a tremor in Levi’s leg with each teasing stroke over his entrance.

Eager for more of Levi’s responses, Erwin’s fingers circled the muscle, applying pressure as he massaged around it and let his fingers slip over. Erwin turned his face up, and the way Levi bit his lip and looked away as their eyes met sent a wave of tightness travelling through him. Unable to string out the teasing any longer, faced with such vulnerability, Erwin pressed two fingers into Levi, applying slow pressure until the muscle gave and he could feel the warmth at their tips. His eyes stayed trained on Levi’s face, drinking in each twinge and flicker of expression as his fingers sank further in.  

“Levi,” he began, and Levi looked up hearing his name, making any other words Erwin had planned die on his lips. They were stolen away by the way grey eyes held his own, by the rise and fall of Levi’s chest, by the tendons that stood out in his neck each time Erwin pressed too deep too quick. Letting his fingers work in, wiggling them slightly as he searched, Erwin stared at the man before him.

The responses guided his motions, quick breaths and sighs making him move to fit the rhythm of Levi’s body as the tightness eased enough to let him press deeper. Crooking his fingers forward, he smiled when Levi’s eyes went wide for a beat as he located the firmness of Levi’s prostate. Rubbing over it drew a shaky groan from his companion that shot through Erwin in a bolt, making his cock twitch. He repeated the motion, stroking over it as his fingers worked.

“Shit, don’t stop, that’s perfect,” Levi said, reaching between his own legs to stroke his neglected cock.

“You like it?”

Levi nodded, looking away again as Erwin saw a hint of color spread over his pale neck. “Your cock’s pretty amazing too, but I didn’t know you were so good with your hands.” The admission made Erwin feel a mix of bashfulness and surprise that quickly turned to pride and stoked his arousal.

Marveling at the fleeting signs of pleasure over Levi’s usually-stoic face, Erwin curled his fingers and rubbed, stroking sighs of increasing volume from the man below.

As his fingers moved, steady and thorough, Erwin found Levi holding his gaze for longer and longer until he stopped looking away. Until his brows no longer tightened into thin straight lines and his lips no longer pursed. Until his eyelids grew heavy and his breaths deep, the flush on his neck reaching his chest and ears, his mouth open as he pulled in each new breath.

Moving his fingers inside of Levi, feeling the pulse around them, watching his face, Erwin wanted him so badly that his groin ached. He wanted to bury his nose in Levi’s neck, to taste the sweat he saw glistening in the hollow of his collarbone, to feel the heat of his chest pressed close. Most of all, he wanted to give Levi every pleasure, in any way Levi desired, to give more than his fingers could as they stroked the firm nub of Levi’s prostate.

The relief was palpable when Levi’s hand finally caught his forearm, easing his fingers out. The words, “I want you,” had never been more welcome than when they came from Levi’s lips. Erwin fumbled for a moment, trying to do everything at once as he reached for the lube again and bent over to retrieve a condom from the floor. Levi merely watched, grey eyes following Erwin’s every movement as he touched himself and waited for Erwin to finish lubing the condom.

Placing a hand on Levi’s hip and spreading his legs further while he knelt between them, Erwin realized the difficulty he’d be facing. The couch was a complicated problem. After a second’s pause, Erwin stripped a pillow from its other end and with Levi perched on top of it finally lined himself up. He paused, cock in hand, staring down before looking up, not wanting to miss a second of pleasure on Levi’s face. Pushing forward, Levi braced underneath him, and Erwin felt his cock pushing into the tight warmth of Levi’s ass. He sank down, pressing in, unable to resist the sensation until dark brows twinged and Levi’s jaw tightened, making him stop. They breathed together for a moment, Erwin leaning down until their foreheads touched. When Levi nodded he continued, moving his hips closer until he was fully seated.

As he began to move Erwin realized the awkwardness of their position further. The leverage strange, gravity doing them no favors, and the way the couch forced Levi’s limbs up in strange angles made it difficult to thrust even with the pillow and Erwin on his knees. But, Erwin found, it was perfect for a kind of slow, halting motion that dragged his cock against the warmth of Levi’s body in ways he’d never felt before. Ways Levi enjoyed, if the way his arms wrapped around Erwin’s shoulders, clutching them closer as his hips rolled and rose to complement Erwin’s, could be trusted.

Erwin could only thrust deeply with Levi’s cooperation, only go quicker if the man below him made as much effort as his own. Even with his hands on Levi’s hips, the pleasure from his lover’s body and the stoke of his cock inside it felt almost secondary. Compared to the squeeze of strong legs wrapped around and pulled him in, Levi’s face pressed to his shoulder, the dampness of dark hair brushing his skin, the warm hint of salt where he kissed Levi’s neck, it meant nothing. Levi filled his senses. Embers of pleasure fanned brighter as they moved, flickering and spreading, catching as their bodies pressed closer.

Letting his weight rest between them, bracing himself on the couch with one arm, Erwin let out a throaty groan as Levi swore. They’d found a rhythm, and his cock drove deep. The open-mouthed moans coming from his lover signaled each time a stroke grazed Levi’s prostate at the right angle, and Erwin couldn’t get enough of the sound. Lost in his partner, vision filled by pale muscle, punctuated by dark hair, mesmerized by the fluid motion beneath him, Erwin let himself sink into growing bliss.

Their hips pressed together, the hardness of Levi’s cock grinding against Erwin’s abdomen. Everything grew tighter, Erwin’s chest, Levi’s fingers pressing into his back, his skin, the pressure in his groin, and Levi’s insides enveloping him in warmth as he buried his cock within. Just as he thought he couldn’t last any longer, one of Levi’s hands left him, wriggling between them to stroke himself. Erwin sat up, letting their upper bodies part to accommodate the last few thrusts he could manage as the tension pulsed with his heartbeat.

Moving deep and slow, drawing what remained of his patience out, his hand joined Levi’s, their fingers overlapping as they both stroked the curve of Levi’s flushed cock. The plateau fell away as Erwin pushed in one final time, burying his cock in Levi’s ass and drowning his senses in the pleasure he saw etched on Levi’s face. They came one right after the other, broken wordless cries and groans mingling as their hips jolted and banged together, bodies clenching and releasing. Devolving into shakes and jittered trembles as Levi’s cum dripped warm over their fingers, still moving gently as they rode the aftershocks of pleasure. Finally collapsing into each other, sticky fingers tracing sweat-damp skin lazily while their mouths moved together weakly.

When they’d caught their breath, Erwin pulled out slowly, holding the spent condom around his softening length. He eased his weight from Levi and tied off the end, placing it unceremoniously on the wrapper he’d discarded on the floor. Levi frowned for a moment, but said nothing about the mess, instead letting himself be pulled onto Erwin’s lap.

Erwin smoothed Levi’s bangs from his face. “Was it good?” he asked.

“Who fucking asks that?” Levi shook his head impatiently, but his eyes were soft and his lids still heavy. “Yeah,” he admitted when Erwin didn’t respond, “it was. It was better than good.”

“I’m glad.” Erwin smiled down at him, fingers tracing along his sharp jawline. “I was hoping you might want to stay the night this time.”

“Sure.” Levi sighed, the way his eyes slid away revealing that he had not missed the allusion Erwin made to their first tryst.

“I was also hoping that soon, you might want to stay longer than one night,” Erwin added.

“Longer?” Levi looked up, confusion written on his face. “I mean, I have to work. I have to…oh.” He closed his mouth, quiet for a moment as he thought. “Maybe,” came his whispered answer, “we’ll see. Maybe.”

Chapter Text

The first Sunday after the New Year Erwin found himself back at the café where he always met Mike. They’d both been busy with the holidays, him with seeing Levi at every available opportunity, Mike with his relatives and soon-to-be in-laws. Today Erwin had gotten to the café first, and black coffee was just arriving as Mike sat down across from him.

“Happy New Year,” Mike said, flagging down the waitress and ordering more coffee.

“Same to you,” Erwin responded, “I hope your family and Nanaba’s are both doing well.”

“Oh, they’re good. You know how it is, everyone hounding us with details about the wedding, asking when there are going to be grandbabies, making weird Bride-zilla jokes.” Mike looked a little tired as he said it, eying the black coffee in Erwin’s mug.

“No, I don’t know.” Erwin sipped the hot coffee, letting it burn his tongue with its bitterness.

Mike sighed, looking away from his menu and down at the floor.

“I’m sorry, Erwin, I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just a lot to deal with and having a million questions piled on top of the planning isn’t helping much.” He looked at Erwin, and the familiarity of the moment of calculation stung. Mike was still being so delicate, so damn polite about everything between them. It made it harder to bring things up with him, to talk about the past or Marie, or anything that really mattered. Even when he’d been so blunt, Mike was still letting it pass.

“I shouldn’t have reminded you. I shouldn’t have told you that,” Mike apologized, and Erwin’s knuckles tightened on his coffee mug, his jaw stiffening. He was going to have to make the first move if he wanted anything to change.

He took a long gulp of the burning drink, forcing it down thickly.

“The same way you didn’t tell me about Moblit being your best man? I’m glad Hanji did, even if it was their mistake. When were you planning to tell me, or were you planning to at all? ”

Mike stared at him, usually-calm eyes wide. For once the easy, relaxed air he held himself with faltered as his head snapped too-quickly downward, refusing to meet Erwin’s eyes. Erwin frowned. He wasn’t enjoying this any more than Mike, but he wasn’t going to enter the New Year with this hanging over them. He’d meant it when he’d spoken with Hanji and Moblit, he was tired of the kid gloves. If that meant he had to rip them from Mike’s hands, then so be it.

“I’m sor-”

“Mike,” Erwin interrupted him, “stop it. Stop saying you’re sorry. I don’t want your apology.”

Mike looked up, finally meeting his gaze. There was surprise in his face more than anything else. “Okay, then why did you bring it up?” he asked.

Erwin sighed, glad the waitress wasn’t hanging around too close to hear their conversation. “I brought it up because I’m tired of this, Mike. You’re my best friend. You have been forever and, as far as I’m concerned, you will be forever. You’ve helped me through a lot, and I’ve relied on you a lot more than anyone has a right to. I know the last time you helped me, things changed between us.” Fiddling with the handle of his coffee mug, Erwin wondered how to phrase what he wanted to say next. Luckily, Mike could read him well. The other man relaxed somewhat, sitting back to wait while Erwin composed his next words.

“I know you’re worried. I know you have been since then. But I want to be able to talk to you the way we used to. No hiding.” Erwin looked at Mike, holding his gaze steady. “I’m still the same man as I was when we met, and I want to be treated that way.”

“You’re not upset about the best man thing?”

There it was, finally Mike was bringing up the root of the problem rather than easing around its edges.

“Not really,” Erwin admitted. And he wasn’t upset, that much he’d realized when he’d spoken with Hanji. “I get it- you weren’t sure if I could handle it.”

“You know it’s not the responsibility I was worried about. I knew if I asked you’d come through for me.”

“I’m glad you think that.” Erwin finished his coffee, its flavor indistinct now that he’d already burnt his mouth. “Even if you’re still worried about my mental state.”

Mike nodded. They fell silent for a moment, letting the tension from their conversation diffuse until the waitress arrived and took their sandwich orders. Erwin wondered what to say next while Mike’s coffee order was prepared. Being straightforward in conversations with Mike wasn’t as easy as it was with Hanji. He’d already brought up what he’d hoped would open things up between them, but Mike was still reluctant to push him, and in the past it had always been Erwin who supplied information willingly.

Silence was a difficult habit to break.

The waitress returned with coffee. Mike picked his up, bringing it close to his nose and inhaling the steam.

“Either way,” Erwin said, “it’s not making Moblit your best man that upset me. It’s that you didn’t tell me. Why didn’t you just tell me, Mike?”

Mike frowned briefly into his coffee mug. He added sugar.

“I don’t know, Erwin. I meant to. I should have. I guess it just didn’t seem like the right time.”

Shaking his head, Erwin sipped his coffee. “I don’t blame you. You’re right.”

Mike looked up, slight confusion again showing in his face.

“It wasn’t the right time. But I wish you’d told me anyway.”

When Mike nodded, Erwin knew he’d understood. Mike wasn’t a man to pretend he knew something, and for that Erwin had always been grateful. He hoped he’d said enough, that the implicit understanding between them would fill in the rest. He hoped Mike could at least try to see him the same way he used to- before.

Before Marie’s death.

“Anyway, I’m glad the plans are going well. Hanji told me you’d finally gotten a venue and a date set.”

Their sandwiches arrived on cue, immediately lightening the exchange as they dug in. “Yeah, I know it’s taken us much too long and things were getting pretty last minute, but we’re happy with the way it’s going. That’s what matters.”

“So I assume I’ll be getting an invitation in the mail?”

Mike laughed. “Of course! I still want you in the wedding party too, I’d love to have you as a groomsman.”

“Sure.” Erwin agreed, taking a bite of toasted turkey and avocado on wheat bread. The sandwich was crispy and warm, even if it felt a little strange chewing it with his burnt mouth. “Oh, also,” he added, “I’d like a plus one.”

Mike paused. “A plus one? Who for?”

“Lee.”

Mike chewed slowly, scrutinizing him. When he’d finished the bite he was eating he put his sandwich down, propping his chin in his hand. “The same Lee? That guy you said you thought would never talk to you again?”

Erwin nodded, ignoring the cautious tone in his friend’s voice.

“What exactly happened with Lee? One minute your drooling over him, he agrees to go on a date, and the next you’re moaning about never seeing him again. But now you want a plus one for the guy? Erwin, what’s going on?”

“It doesn’t matter. We worked it out.”

Mike blinked quickly, his brows lowering. “It does matter. You said we weren’t going to hide things from each other anymore.”

Erwin leaned back, his knee bobbing irritably.

Yes, he had said that. Yes, that was what he wanted. Since he’d said the words, he had to be ready for it, even if it wasn’t easy. “I was misunderstanding things at first, but I think Lee was too. We talked things out and have been dating since a little before Thanksgiving.”

“And you’re pretty serious.” Mike supplied, only picking at his sandwich now.

“Yes. I want to ask him to move in with me.”

“Isn’t it a little soon?”

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t think it felt right.”

Mike nodded slowly, seeming to accept this answer. He took a bite of his sandwich, chewing very thoughtfully. “Well, since we’re sharing our feelings here, Erwin,” he began, “I think it’s too soon. But it’s your life, and god knows you deserve some happiness. So, if this Lee guy is impulsive enough to agree to it, I’m not going to stop either of you. You’re both adults. Besides, you seem a lot more pulled-together than you have in… I don’t even know how long, so maybe it’ll be good for you after all.

“I’ll figure out a plus one for you. It’s a bit late, but I owe you.”

Erwin smiled, nodding in relief.

“I want to meet this mystery man though, Erwin. Especially if he’s moving in with you. Nanaba will be excited.”

Finishing off the first half of his sandwich, Erwin took a swig of coffee and agreed.

“Of course, Mike. I’ll try to get everyone together. It’ll be just like old times.” Erwin’s chest tightened as he said the words, but for once it was with a wave of warmth rather than a pang of sadness.

The next week Erwin stopped by the river again on his lunchtime walk. The cheerful decorations of Christmas and New Year had already been packed away, but some traces of color still remained. Arrangements of evergreens and holly still graced the planters by the street, and the strings of white lights were still wound around signs and streetlamps, even if they hung unlit and messy-looking in the greyness of the winter days.

Erwin blew on the coffee he held, he’d managed to convince the barista to put a shot of some kind of Christmas flavor syrup they still had leftover in it and the cinnamon-sugar and spiced scent made him smile thinking about the holidays. It had been a long time since he’d looked back fondly on a Christmas, but this year it hadn’t felt like the same sad reminder of his loneliness. He peered into the river, watching the slate-grey water lapping against the corrugated metal of the Riverwalk. He looked up, seeing the same flat grey sky above. But it felt better than he’d thought, his heart lifting as he remembered skating around the park in his shoes with Levi and flopping down on the ice. The same grey sky stared down, and he smiled, taking another sip of sweet spiced coffee.

The river was calmer than the last time he’d spent a walk here.. Nothing disturbed its surface but lazy, thickwaves. As he stared he wondered what it would be like in the spring, as the trees started to bloom and people flocked outdoors. It would be nice to sit in one of the cafes that opened up in good weather, enjoying a beer after work, listening to the buzz of conversation and making his own. In his mind’s eye he imagined it, sitting at a little metal table with Levi, chatting after a long day, enjoying the sun and the soothing sounds of the water nearby.

Just cool, calm water, its presence steady as the traffic, its motion as constant. But still in a way, nestled in its banks, bringing fresh, clean water from the deep lake into the burning heart of the city to cool it. Nothing lurking below, nothing disturbing its surface.

It felt like a good omen.

The river’s steady presence gave Erwin courage, the vision of sitting by it in the future and enjoying it with Levi urged him to make a decision. He would ask Levi to live with him. He was ready to take the plunge.

Though his mind was already made up, the business of the next few weeks distracted Erwin. Work always picked up after the dead period of the holidays and his routine changed significantly. Not only were the projects more interesting, but spending so much time with Levi over the holidays kick-started his brain in a way Erwin had forgotten was possible.

He was suddenly inspired: full of ideas and wanted to take Levi everywhere- to movies, on walks, to kinds of performances he wasn’t even really interested in seeing. He wanted to know what made the man tick, and feeling more comfortable than ever with him since Christmas, Erwin found that he might actually be getting mentally back into the swing of dating. At least it felt like it, if their frequent texts and the way Levi had stopped rolling his eyes at all of Erwin’s jokes were any indication. If only he had more time, he kept thinking, as leaving work late became a frequent occurrence and trips to the gym replaced his usual beer and TV rut. Every spare moment was occupied with attempts to see Levi, their different schedules foiling his plans more than once. 

It was almost a freak occurrence when Levi had a Saturday off. Not wanting to let the opportunity go to waste, Erwin texted Levi the address to a climbing gym he’d always meant to try out, and told him to bring something he’d wear to exercise. A workout date seemed like a fun change of pace, and a good way to break out of the inevitable cabin fever creeping up as winter marched on.

Arriving at the climbing gym Saturday afternoon, Erwin realized that cabin fever must be contagious. The gym was busy- bright spandex and all manner of exercise clothing stunning him for a moment as he took in the place. The new brick façade of the building had made it blend in with the neighborhood but had done wonders hiding what lay inside, as tall ceilings reached up, undulating and curving composite-board walls covered with brightly colored shapes dotting them. Despite its obviously recent construction, the place already smelled of rubber and the faint hint of socks, a not-unpleasant mixture that reminded him immediately of every gym he’d ever set foot in. As he looked around, wondering whether it would be more fun to try out climbing using the ropes he saw or just go directly up the shorter walls with mats set out on the floor below them, Erwin heard his name called.

He turned, pleased to see Levi walking towards him, the striking figure the new coat cut made Erwin’s chest swell with pride that his gift was being used. He carried a black duffel bag, one Erwin had last seen full of horseshoes and wizened strings of berries; its presence reassured Erwin that he’d come prepared. With a quick exchange of greetings they headed off to the locker rooms to change.

As Erwin tugged on a pair of navy-blue running tights and rooted through his bag for deodorant, he daydreamed for a moment about what Levi might be wearing. When they’d entered the locker area Levi had gone straight to the bathroom, and Erwin felt like he deserved whatever privacy he sought. Still, he couldn’t help imagining the possibilities, and the prospect of seeing Levi in anything other than his usual jeans and t-shirt was exciting in itself. Somehow he couldn’t picture Levi wearing what he’d brought: leggings, a faded t-shirt from a run years ago, and a comfortable hoodie that he zipped up over everything else. He pulled a water bottle from his bag and stuffed everything else into a locker, Levi appeared, and his questions were answered.

Perfect- he looked perfect.

Erwin stared, wondering how he hadn’t been able to picture it before. Baggy black gym shorts hung down to just above Levi’s knees, their soft, swishy fabric draping over the firm curves of Levi’s ass and thighs. His familiar black t-shirt was back, but this iteration looked a little more lived-in its sleeves cut off and its neckline widened into something approximating a tank top. The way it left Levi’s arms and collarbones bare made Erwin struggle to swallow down the heat that rose unbidden in his groin. Climbing might be a more challenging exercise than he’d thought.

“You okay, old man?” Levi’s biceps flexed as he crossed his arms. Erwin wondered why they kept the locker room so warm.

“Of course. Yes. Climbing. Let’s climb,” Erwin said, hurriedly turning around and marching from the locker room somewhat stiffly. 

The challenges continued to come one after another. The way Levi took almost instantly to climbing was both breathtaking and intimidating. Erwin, not so. Being tall had never been a disadvantage, but as Erwin rubbed the tension from his palms after white-knuckling up the wall and dropping breathlessly onto the mat below, he decided that his height wasn’t of much use here. It was true that he could reach much farther than Levi to grab onto a high hold, but more often than not it put him right back where he started: stuck. Watching Levi scramble up the wall, darting between precarious perches without hesitation, it made him wonder if he was approaching the whole thing wrong.

It looked so effortless when Levi did it. His fingers could find a place to grip on even the smallest holds, and his feet were nimble- nothing but control and grace. Erwin stared at the wall, his eyes fixing on Levi’s climbing shoe while he rested for a moment. So small, its toe balanced perfectly on the tiny marbled green ledge screwed into the wall. Following the line of Levi’s pale leg up, Erwin’s head tilted back until he could see where the man’s thigh disappeared into black shorts. If he tilted his head just so he could almost see-

“Staring at my ass, old man?” Levi called down, bangs drawing a shadow where they hung away from his face while he leaned to look below.

“No- I just-” Erwin sputtered, “-Well, yes. Essentially.”

Levi smirked and gave his hips a teasing flick, the loose fabric of his shorts swaying as Erwin let out a long breath. This was entirely unfair. He should have thought of a different activity, something that didn’t carry the risk of sporting an inconvenient spandex-clad erection in a public space.

With a little push, Levi dropped off the wall, landing easily with a quiet whump on the mat next to him. “Why don’t we switch?” he asked, waving at the wall, “I could go for an ass-watching break.” The quirk in Levi’s lips and the heaviness Erwin saw in his eyes made him thrill; knowing he wasn’t the only one significantly affected improved Erwin’s mood as he turned back to the climbing wall. He approached it again, this time planning his first few moves before reaching for any of the holds. Hitching one leg up on a ledge and using it for leverage, Erwin pressed his body to the coolness of the composite-board wall.

He shifted his weight, reaching out for the next hold and pulling himself up. Continuing like this, he worked his way about halfway up the wall before he had to look around and think. The closest holds were all very small, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep his weight pressed to the wall as it began to slope backwards. Considering the possibilities, he looked up and to either side, scanning.

“Try the red one over there.” Erwin looked down to see a hold Levi was pointing at. It was low, near his right foot.

“Why?” He wondered aloud, trying to see what Levi had clearly already noticed.

“If you get on that, then those blue ones and the big black thing will be easy to reach.” Indicating each in turn, Levi pointed. “The black thing looks tricky but your hands are pretty big. Then you can go diagonally.” As Erwin followed the path Levi had pointed out with his eyes, he saw the logic behind it. Stepping to the right, he set off, making his way up and over. This way, his feet found plenty of new holds and it was simple to move across the wall. When he reached the top, he paused for a moment, flashing a quick smile down to Levi before descending.

As his feet touched the mat he wiped the remaining chalk from his hands onto his hoodie. “That way was much easier, thank you, Levi.” He smiled.

“Yeah, well. I figured you could use a hand when you stopped with your ass right above my head. Not that I was complaining or anything…” Levi frowned slightly, making Erwin chuckle at his embarrassment. “You know, you use your arms too much.”

“What?”

“On the wall, you climb with your arms, pulling yourself around. That’s why it’s hard. Legs are stronger- use yours.” 

“Oh, why don’t you show me?”

Levi pursed his lips and jumped onto the wall, easily scaling up a few feet. Erwin watched him. It was true, Levi used mostly his legs to move around. While his arms were taught, they seemed to be doing more to keep his balance and his grip on the wall rather than move his weight. They also looked astonishingly good, muscles bunching as he moved, shoulders shifting and flexing. Levi’s pale skin shone with a hint of sweat under the fluorescent lights, cut-up t-shirt darker where it stuck to his back between his shoulder blades. Erwin didn’t notice that Levi had stopped moving until he heard the man’s voice again.

“Oh, good one. Fuck you, Erwin Smith.” He looked up, surprised at the harsh tone. Levi scowled down at him, stating, “You’re not even paying attention. You’re just making up excuses to watch me now.” Erwin laughed, shaking his head and smiling as Levi’s accusing expression softened.

“I wasn’t. I promise. You’re right about the leg thing.” Accepting the explanation, Levi gave a stiff nod before climbing a few more feet. Near the top he paused, letting himself swing away from the wall so he was only holding on with one arm.

Then, he jumped.

As he did, he pushed himself forward, lending his body an easy arc away from the wall. He landed nearby on the mat, legs bending to absorb the fall. His arms swung gently, completing the motion and keeping him from falling over. It was incredibly graceful, Erwin thought, as though he hadn’t fought gravity at all but had simply moved with it.

Ending a low whistle, Erwin commented, “That was quite a stunt.”

“Was it?” Levi’s blank face was unreadable, but Erwin thought he detected a hint of amusement in the playful tone.

“Yes,” he answered honestly, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone move like you do.”

As Levi turned away quickly, Erwin caught a hint of his stoic expression breaking, the telltale worrying of his lower lips between his teeth. When the smaller man didn’t volunteer any further response, Erwin suggested something else.

“Want to get a smoothie before we leave?”

Levi nodded, turning to face him. “Sure, we leaving now?”

“If you’d like,” Erwin answered.

“Okay, yeah.”

They walked back through the large open room, passing other climbers on the bouldering wall as they went. Idling for a moment they both looked up and up, following the path of climbers wearing ropes and harnesses on the much taller walls that stretched up and around the gym. When they’d seen enough they continued to a counter set away from the climbing area, selling juice and smoothies. Erwin chose the greenest thing on the menu, and Levi scrunched up his nose at the order, instead picking strawberry-banana. Standing around, sipping his smoothie, watching the climbers and taking in the energy of the place, Erwin hardly noticed Levi’s stare until he turned to ask the smaller man a question and saw him look away far too slowly. He grinned.

“Want to try?” Erwin teased, holding out what remained of his shockingly-vibrant green smoothie. He shook it, letting little flecks of darker green slosh lazily in the thick liquid. Levi shuddered.

“Hell no,” he grumbled, “Let’s get out of here. I don’t think I can take much more of this.”

Blinking innocently, Erwin sucked noisily on his remaining smoothie, enjoying the way Levi’s lips twitched with each slurp as he looked determinedly away. “Take much more of what?”

 Levi grumbled something unintelligible under his breath. “What was that? What did you say?” Erwin urged, getting into the spirit of the teasing now that it was having such delightful results. Looking over sharply, Levi opened his mouth to answer.

“I said I can’t take much more of your shitty thighs in those shitty leggings, okay?” he snapped, immediately clamping his mouth shut again. Erwin grinned, spotting the tinge of red creeping up the back of Levi’s neck.

The full effect of his ‘shitty thighs’ on Levi was evident as soon as Erwin closed the door to his apartment. Before he could protest, or even slip out of his shoes, Levi had crowded him against the door and pulled him down fiercely by the lapels of his jacket. Their lips met, Levi’s mouth already open as he licked over Erwin’s lips. The warmth of his breath, the urgency of his hands tugging down on Erwin’s overcoat, and the way Levi pressed himself to Erwin’s chest all chased thoughts of everything but the man before him from his mind.

As his hands struggled to unbutton and push Levi’s coat away, the rough grinding roll of Levi’s hips against him forced a groan of need out between their mouths. Erwin regretted having changed back into his street clothes- their gym clothing probably would have been off in mere seconds, but the button and zipper of Levi’s jeans took an eternity to locate and even longer to fumble open. Pushing a hand down the tight front of Levi’s pants, he squeezed the half-hard length of Levi’s cock through his underwear, gasping as Levi bit down on his lower lip in response.

Their tangled, frenzied kisses burned hot, making Erwin’s hunger rise as Levi met and matched each of his actions. Coats were thrown haphazard on the floor, hair pushed and tugged askew as Levi held their faces together, the tension that had grown and built with every stolen glance at Levi’s body in the gym spilled over. Levi’s body, something he’d wanted, something he finally held, something he ached for as he groped at the hardness in Levi’s pants and pulled him closer.

Then, Levi’s lips were gone. His hand was cool, yanked unceremoniously out of the front of Levi’s jeans. His mouth still open, lips damp and trembling from Levi’s kiss, Erwin looked down in surprise. Levi knelt in front of him. Dark bangs fell away from the pale curve of his face as he looked up, mouth curving slightly at its edge as long, pale fingers hooked down into the waistband of Erwin’s jeans. Levi leaned forward, pressing his head into Erwin’s crotch, making Erwin’s breath catch as he watched the straight line of Levi’s nose follow the bulge in his pants. Pressing purposefully along its length, the deliberate action and the flash in grey eyes sent a shiver through him. It continued to travel up and then stopped. Just above the belt, which was worked open by tugging, nimble fingers as Erwin stared. Before he could process what was happening, Levi’s teeth flashed, catching the denim of his jeans just above the button. With a jerk of his head the button popped open, and Erwin watched, chest heaving with arousal, as Levi’s clever mouth undid his zipper. 

His pants and underwear were pushed down and aside quickly after, Levi made no attempt to hold back. Erwin knew the image of Levi undoing his pants with only lips and teeth would be forever burnt white-hot into his fantasies, but a new one of Levi kneeling between his legs, hands gripping his hips, face inching closer to the curve of his cock, was equally compelling. Every second Levi spent looking, getting nearer, licking his lips, was a second of sweet torture and when Levi’s lips finally found him, the relief was almost as unbearable.

Groaning as Levi licked at his length, his cock heavy where it bobbed with no resistance against the motion of Levi’s tongue, Erwin’s back pressed into the door. The insistent strokes of warmth moved up his cock, and he struggled not to jerk his hips into them. There was no purchase, nothing holding his cock in place, nothing but the inability to back up any further and the insistent press of Levi’s mouth getting closer until his cock was pinned up between his sweater and the telltale sliver of pink tongue that drew Erwin’s eyes every time it passed over him.

Pausing for a moment, mouth still open as he kissed noisily at the underside of Erwin’s cock, Levi’s eyes met Erwin’s from under the fall of his bangs.

“You’re shaking.”

Levi was right. Erwin sighed, leaning back into the door, resting his hands on Levi’s shoulders.

“Too much for you, old man?” The playful flash in Levi’s eyes as he tongued the ridge of Erwin’s cock was unbearably sexy.

“Never,” Erwin insisted, one hand stroking up the prickle of shaved-short hair at the back of Levi’s neck until his fingers wound into the longer dark strands. “It’s never too much, Levi. It’s just right.”

The answer must have satisfied Levi- Erwin sighed and pressed his hips forward as a pale hand wrapped around the base of his cock to hold him in place while Levi’s lips encircled his head. Erwin could feel Levi’s tongue swiping over tight sensitive skin as he pressed down, taking more of Erwin into his mouth. The longer hair felt slippery under Erwin’s fingers. He clutched at strands that fled his grip each time Levi repeated the motion, building the tightness in his groin. Levi’s mouth was hot on him, the motion of his tongue wet and eager, his lips slack to swallow as much as he could manage.

Erwin could hardly hear the wet sound of his cock pressing into Levi’s mouth- he was too distracted by watching the shake of straight hair and the swell of Levi’s cheek each time he bobbed. Feeling suddenly less contained, the motion becoming rougher and uncontrolled, he noticed that Levi’s hand had left the base of his cock. Levi was undoing his own jeans, and Erwin’s fingers jerked when he realized what was happening. As Levi’s nose pressed closer to the curled blond hair at the base of his cock, more of it disappearing into the yielding wetness of Levi’s mouth, Erwin watched  Levi tug his own hard cock out and start to stroke himself.

Overwhelmed, Erwin wanted to lean back against the wall and let the pleasure overtake him. His knees felt weak, supporting his own weight felt much more difficult than he’d remembered. But he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Levi’s face- from the way his open mouth moved, lips reddened and puffy as they wrapped around his length, the final inches at the base of his cock that Levi couldn’t fit into his mouth slick with spit that dribbled slowly down. A low groan escaped Levi’s lips and drew a matching sound from Erwin’s chest. Levi was stroking himself in time with the bobs of his head, his mouth and throat sending pleasant vibrations that laced tight bliss through Erwin.

Unable to do anything but watch, lost in the heaviness of his breathing, his hips moved weakly to meet Levi’s mouth. The tight wetness engulfed him with each stroke, pushing deeper until the sound of Levi’s groans was muffled, slick noises and a broken rough tone replacing them. Erwin watched, heat flooding his body, fingers digging into Levi’s shoulder and head. Each time Levi pulled back, Erwin caught glimpses of their desperate arousal: the shining length of his own cock, the way Levi tugged at himself, the little crescents of red Levi’s nails left along his hipbone where his other hand now grasped, barely grounding them both.

The sounds in Levi’s throat grew with the mounting tension in Erwin’s groin as he struggled not to cum. Lashes fluttering, Levi’s eyes closed and his nose pressed so close that Erwin could feel the brush of bangs on his abdomen. As Erwin teetered, holding back with the few shreds of his conscious brain that remained, he gasped and crumpled.

The orgasm coursed through him, its relief startling as he lost control. He came, moaning Levi’s name, watching the muscles of the man’s pale throat contract as he swallowed. Erwin’s body shuddered; Levi pulled back slightly, still sucking eagerly on his length. He would have fallen, spent physically and mentally, if Levi hadn’t stood, wiping drool from his chin. Pressing close, Levi’s mouth found his, the kiss still hungry and laced with the salty-bitterness of Erwin’s cum.

Erwin submitted to it, letting himself be pushed against the wall, letting his back slump, holding Levi to him with arms that felt like lead. Their mouths moved, unconcerned with anything but the desire to occupy each other’s space fully. The press of Levi’s hard cock against his thigh brought Erwin back to reality. His lover still hadn’t been satisfied, and Erwin’s now-sluggish desire rekindled at the thought.

Breaking their kiss to pull much-needed air into his lungs, Erwin pushed Levi away just enough to sink down to the floor in front of him. Getting to his knees wasn’t enough, Levi’s cock still too low to reach comfortably. Giving in to the complaints of his now-boneless joints, Erwin sat on the floor. He pulled Levi’s hips to his face as his hands pushed jeans and underwear out of the way to reach the smooth, firm skin of Levi’s ass he sought. Eye-level with Levi’s cock, Erwin smiled at the sight. Levi’s cock was always beautiful, but now, full and flushed, curving proudly up from coiling black hair, its tip shiny with precum, it was almost like he was seeing it for the first time. From so close, and from a lower vantage, it made something in him stir, something that demanded attention and pushed insistently through the blissful post-orgasm haze. He looked up at Levi, his mouth falling open as he saw the heavy way Levi stared down.

“Please,” Erwin murmured.

Levi’s eyes widened. “Please?” he echoed.

Erwin leaned forward, placing an open kiss to the shaft of Levi’s cock.

“Please. Let me. Levi. I want…” Erwin trailed off, his mouth moving much faster than his sluggish mind.

Levi looked down, grey eyes half-lidded, pupils wide with desire. “Not yet.” One of his hands curled around his cock, and began pumping along its length. His knuckles passed so close to Erwin’s nose he could almost feel the difference in the air as Levi stroked himself with purpose. “You came so fast, Erwin. I want to enjoy this a little longer.”

Erwin groaned, sinking forward to lap at the base of Levi’s cock and the yielding skin of his balls, burying his nose in Levi’s groin and breathing deep. The musk of their workout, raw and manly but not unpleasant filled his senses as he closed his eyes, mouth seeking tasting wherever he could reach without moving his head. Levi grunted above him, and Erwin felt a hand fist into his hair, tugging his head sideways. Opening his eyes a sliver, Erwin watched as Levi stroked himself, hand moving further down the shaft of his cock now that Erwin’s nose no longer blocked it.

He squeezed Levi’s ass, noting how firmly the muscles were already clenched. It wouldn’t be long. Erwin was certain that for all of Levi’s words he wouldn’t last much longer.

“Please, Levi,” he entreated, licking at Levi’s balls. “Let me-” The fingers in his hair tightened, jerking him away and preventing him from finishing his request. When he looked up, a flash of something dark in Levi’s eyes made him pause. It faded instantly, slipping away when Levi’s gaze caught his own, the dangerous look no longer directed at him.

Yet, as Levi’s hand stroked his cock, bringing him closer with each groan it pulled from his heaving chest, Erwin continued to be blocked from his aim. Each time he got close, each time his mouth felt the warm skin of Levi’s swollen erection, each time he tasted the hint of sweat from his lover’s body, Levi would pull him back, his pleas dying in his mouth.

When Erwin saw Levi’s grip falter, a telltale squeeze of his fist drawing a gruffer sound from the man above him, there were no moments left to wait and Erwin took his chance.

“Levi, please,” he begged, not even bothering to finish the request. Surging forward, pulling Levi’s hips to him, Erwin took the head of Levi’s cock in his mouth.

There was no tug of fingers in his hair, no resistance to the action, just a grunt broken by a gasp as Erwin’s tongue worked half-way down Levi’s length, the taste of Levi’s precum only whetting his appetite for more. Gripping Levi’s ass tightly, Erwin moved, sucking and licking desperately while Levi’s hips jerked against his mouth.

Levi’s rigid muscles under his fingers and their tremors as Levi came with a low growl made Erwin shudder again. Levi’s flavor, the hard length of his cock firmly pressing into Erwin’s mouth, both turned the anticipation that had grown while he watched Levi touch himself to a satisfying glow.

Momentarily spent, Levi slumped forward, supporting himself with both hands on the door as Erwin lapped the remaining drops of cum from his cock.

“We should take a shower,” Levi said.

Erwin looked up, licking his lips. “I agree,” he added, “We’re still quite dirty.”

“And I’m still ‘quite’ horny thanks to your stupid leggings,” Levi muttered.

Erwin grinned.

Clean, exhausted, and thoroughly satisfied by the predictable direction their shower had taken, Erwin lay on the couch in his oldest, most comfortable sweatpants, Levi’s head resting on his chest. He stroked damp bangs away from Levi’s forehead, just barely feeling the puffs of air Levi breathed against his sternum.

The lazy indulgence of it all broke with a telltale gurgle from Levi’s stomach. It was getting late and they were both hungry.

“We should eat.” Erwin almost sighed the words, reluctant to move from the warmth of the couch, reluctant to disturb Levi’s weight, and most of all, reluctant for this stolen moment of quiet to end.

“Yeah.” Levi’s response was half-hearted at best, but he lifted his head, pressing down on Erwin’s ribcage and sitting up.

The loss of even that small amount of contact felt immense in Erwin’s post-sex stupor, and he reached out, feebly catching Levi’s bicep. “Wait,” he whispered, “let’s not go anywhere yet.” The entreaty earned a sarcastic raise of one thin brow from the man above, but Levi lay back down, shifting like a cat before settling in the exact position he’d left.

Erwin’s hand came back up to idly stroke damp hair- carding his fingers through before letting the black strands fall with gravity’s pull away from his fingertips.

They slipped from his fingers so easily.

He was unable to grasp them, to hold them still.

Before he knew it the words tumbled from him.

“Levi, will you stay?”

“What do you mean, tonight? Sure.”

“No. I mean, stay. Here. For longer than tonight. For as long as you like.”

Levi sat up as strands of slippery, shadowed dark left Erwin’s fingers once again.

He looked down at Erwin. Thinking, face serious, mouth set, Levi looked.

And Erwin waited until he could wait no longer.

“Levi, stay with me.”

For a moment Erwin saw the whites of Levi’s eyes as they went wide, felt Levi’s nails press into his skin. The unreadable moment passed, replaced by a different look. This one was focused faraway, as though Levi was seeing through him, staring into some future Erwin couldn’t make out. As that look faded, Levi’s expression turned to one that was more familiar: stoic and calm, if a little bit softer than when they’d first met.

“Alright,” he agreed.

Chapter Text

Exiting the train station in Chinatown, Levi shifted the bottle of liquor he’d brought in its paper bag and fell into step beside Erwin. They stood at the street corner near the tracks, waiting for the walk signs to turn on, and Levi’s eyes flicked from one neon sign to the next. A panel of brightly-colored cubes advertised a karaoke bar. Red and blue ‘open’ signs decorated restaurants and businesses. The mismatched neon glow lit up the night, making it much more cheerful in the early winter darkness than anyone would expect from the two-story shopping square and squat brick row-houses of the neighborhood.

The wind whipped around them, and Levi tugged the collar of his coat higher. He wasn’t cold, but wind was wind any time of year and it got damn annoying. The coat Erwin had given him fit surprisingly well, something that wasn’t easy to accomplish given his body type, and he enjoyed being able to move his shoulders and arms while not having to pull or fold the sleeves up. As his hands came down from adjusting his collar, he felt Erwin’s left hand slip over his right, grasping it loosely. Unable to prevent the eye roll, Levi did little else to dissuade the affectionate gesture.

“Oh, there’s something I wanted to tell you before we meet with everyone.”

Levi looked over at Erwin, raising an eyebrow. “What’s up?” he asked.

“It’s kind of-” Erwin cut himself off as the crossing light turned and they stepped off the curb, walking quickly across the street,“-I mean, I don’t really know why I did it.”

“Okay, what?” Levi was getting curious now.

“Well, I’ve been introducing you to my friends as ‘Lee’. I don’t know why I lied about your name, it just felt right and I kept doing it.”

Levi shook his head.

“I hope you’re not upset.” They quickly crossed the second street when the light turned and Levi dismissed the question with a shake of his head.

“It’s fine. I don’t mind going by ‘Lee’ or whatever else. I’ve had plenty of nicknames.” They walked across the sidewalk, following it into a shopping center whose winding second-story walkway shadowed the narrow cobbled pedestrian street, making it close and cluttered. Small storefronts crowded together as they passed. A grocery store, windows papered over with advertisements for ginseng and moon cakes, a knickknack shop with crowded shelves of tourist items stacked next to kitchen equipment, and various bakeries and cafes lined the walkway with hand-printed signs written in alternating Chinese characters and English. “Besides,” he added, “Lee isn’t a bad name, I kind of like it.”

“If you’re sure,” Erwin continued, “I still feel a little strange about the whole thing.”

“Don’t worry about it. It would be confusing to switch now.”

Erwin agreed, and they made their way to the restaurant he’d chosen for dinner. As they stepped in, Levi let out a sigh of relief. For once, Erwin had chosen something normal and casual, a bustling dim sum restaurant where the clientele ranged from suburban families coming into the city for an evening on the town to tables of studying students hunched over textbooks with tea and a plate of dumplings nearby. For once he wouldn’t be underdressed. The waitress explained to Erwin that some of their party had already arrived, and led them deep into the warren-like restaurant.

Winding through different areas, all decorated in shades of gold, black and red, they reached a room near one end of the restaurant with a round table. Two people were already seated, the one with glasses and mousey brown hair tied up in a messy bun was already deep in animated conversation with the other- a slightly plain-looking man with an unfortunate haircut but earnest features. They both looked over when Erwin approached.

“Erwin! Hello! And, Lee?” The one wearing glasses quickly stood, pushing their chair back as they held out a hand to Levi.

“Uh, yeah,” Levi answered, reaching out and shaking their hand firmly.

“Oh, that’s Hanji,” Erwin indicated, then nodded to the man, “and their partner Moblit.”

Levi looked at the two. Now that Hanji’s initial flurry of motion was over they were both staring at him, even more than people usually did. Hanji was still holding his hand, and he tried to withdraw it from their tight grasp. Hanji was not letting go, instead staring at his face and hair, sneaking confused glances at Erwin.

“Is there a problem?” Erwin asked, breaking up the oddness of the moment.

“You should let go of Lee. Erwin has worry,” Moblit drawled, placing a hand on Hanji’s shoulder as their grip finally loosened enough for Levi to pull his hand away and sit down hastily next to the man.

“Oh my god, of course! Sorry, I was spacing out for a moment. That happens sometimes.” Hanji excused themself quickly. Levi looked over at Erwin, but found no answers in the bemused expression he saw. Erwin had warned him that some of his friends were eccentric. This was obviously true. He just hadn’t known what to expect.

Luckily, the uncomfortable atmosphere lasted only a minute before the rest of their group arrived. Hanji waved them over to the table excitedly, and Levi tried very hard not to feel exasperated with the enthusiasm as he removed and arranged his coat over the back of his seat. A huge man with messy hair and a large nose, probably Mike, slid into a chair, giving Erwin a friendly handshake and a clap on his shoulder as a pretty blonde woman with short hair and delicate features came up to the table.

The new couple repeated Hanji and Moblit’s performance as soon as they registered Levi’s face. They stared. Mike sniffed. Nanaba covered her mouth in a small gasp before quickly looking away. Only pausing for a second a the odd reaction, Erwin motioned to the last chair. “Are you okay? I hope you’ll sit, Nanaba.” With a hurried nod Nanaba recovered, apologizing as she took a seat before  Erwin nodded at each of them in turn, introducing the pair, “Lee, this is my best friend Mike and my close friend Nananba- they’re the ones getting married soon.”

 “What the,” Levi looked around the table as he grumbled, “is there something on my face?” he asked Erwin.

Erwin shrugged, leaning in until their shoulders touched. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Then what the hell-” at that moment the waitress arrived, passing them paper menus with rows of pictures of different dishes and a ballpoint pen before asking if they wanted tea and glasses for the bottles of liquor and wine that had arrived with Levi and Nanaba. The strangeness of whatever happened had passed, even if it lingered in Levi’s mind. The others pushed it aside easily enough, replacing it with lively conversation about what to order. Erwin picked up the menu, taking charge of the process.

Nanaba urged them to remember a previous time when they’d ended up with only dumplings, while Erwin ticked off too many sweet buns. Hanji was vegetarian, or wasn’t, no one could agree, and exactly what that meant in terms of shellfish seemed totally undecided. Mike chimed in that the rice rolls were always good and he liked the spare ribs, and Levi sank back into his chair, letting the waves of familiar conversation roll by him as he tried not to get into the middle of things. He noticed Moblit doing something similar and was glad that he’d chosen a seat next to the relatively quiet man. Erwin ticked off boxes and whittled down their selections, in his element as he plucking meaning from the hum of activity that flowed like a wave over Levi.

When the waitress reappeared with tea, their ordering menu disappeared and Hanji loudly assured Levi that the order would be balanced, delicious, and swift- Erwin was always the best at sorting things out for a group. It was a bit of a rocky start, but the waitress had brought glasses and Moblit reached for the wine while Levi opened the liquor. Glasses spread around the table, the worst part of the meal began. The part Levi had been least looking forward to: the questioning. In a turn that surprised no one, Hanji went first.

“Lee, Erwin’s been a bit scarce on details, but I’ve got so much to ask you” they crowed, knocking back half of their wine and leaning forward eagerly as Levi winced internally. He’d been hoping there would be more pleasantries involved, more chances to divert conversation, but Hanji’s approach was straightforward and intense.

“Like what?” He ventured, hoping for a moment that one of Erwin’s more sane friends might step in and rescue him. A quick glance around the table told him there would be no such luck, they all seemed pretty interested in whatever Hanji’s line of questioning was going to be. He steeled himself- with everyone’s attention on him it would be difficult to avoid questions.

“Well, Erwin told me you work at a bar, but basically nothing else. On top of that, he never texted me back when I sent him my question list!”  They shifted in their seat, pulling a phone from their back pocket and fiddling with it for a moment before their eyes lit up. “Here it is! Number one, where do you live?” They stared at him expectantly. Their focus was unnerving, and Levi knew he wouldn’t be able to distract them like this- not with so many other people’s attention on him. Moblit shot him a sympathetic glance, while Mike and Nanaba simply looked amused.

“I used to live near the bar I work at- in the same building. I just moved in with Erwin though.”

Erwin beamed while Hanji looked up momentarily, surprise clear on their face before they launched into the next question.

“Okay! Number two, how long have you been a bartender?”

Levi bit back a sarcastic ‘how long have you been an awkward asshole?’ remark and instead sighed. “A long time, basically forever. At least it feels that way.” At that Mike chuckled, offering a shake of his shaggy head and a, “Yeah, I get that.”

Hanji smiled in a dazed fashion in Mike’s direction and Levi wondered if they’d understood the sentiment or were just acknowledging the words. They turned back to their list. “Okay, where did you go to school?”

“Hanji,” Nanaba spoke before Levi could answer, “why would that matter?” It was clear from her tone that she was trying to rein in her friend. Moblit, however, the supposed partner just swirled his wine thoughtfully, contemplating it between long sips.

“I didn’t really go to college, if that’s what you’re trying to ask,” Levi frowned, finally picking up the glass of dark liquor he’d poured himself and taking a sip. “At least not for long. I dropped out.”

That caught Hanji’s attention. They stared at him, as though he’d said something unthinkable, and Levi looked over to Erwin, hoping to make his frustration known. Erwin gave a little smile and tried to explain his friend. “Hanji’s addicted to school. They even did some grad stuff that took years. . For someone who spent so much time in studying, maybe it’s hard to tear away from that world or imagine another.” Erwin waved briefly around the table. “The rest of us met in undergraduate.”

Hanji interrupted them with a brief outburst, “Why?”

Levi looked over, pursing his lips as he asked, “Why, what?” He already knew what.

“Why did you drop out?”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest, fixing Hanji with a cold look. Some of the buoyancy in their genuinely curious expression deflated. “Something came up. Something more important.” He said the words slowly, letting them fall heavily onto the table, challenging anyone who was looking at him to answer back with a harsh stare.

No one did.

The table fell silent, even Hanji subdued for a moment as they all sat. As the silence began to feel more awkward, the first of their food arrived, breaking up the chill with a large round of warm dumplings, steamed vegetables, and spare ribs arriving on little plates and slid onto the lazy susan in the table’s center.

“Ah, finally!” Erwin said, reaching for a pair of chopsticks and putting things onto his plate as he offered the dishes around. “We should eat before things get cold, they’re best this way,” he added, shaking the strange mood from the guests effortlessly. Levi relaxed a little, no longer intent on glaring at everyone to keep their questions at bay and accepting the shumai Erwin insisted on piling onto his plate.

The arrival of the food started other conversations, most of which Levi preferred to observe rather than engage in. Nanaba spoke about her and Mike’s upcoming wedding, frustration with having to make so many insignificant decisions, the scheduling nightmares, and juggling it all while keeping her parents’ involvement to a minimum. Erwin seemed interested in their conversation, asking her about how they decided on the venue and launching a whole second conversation about the pros and cons of various spaces for large gatherings that Mike jumped into.

Uninterested, and running out of tea and shumai, Levi looked over to the other offerings still available. Moblit noticed his gaze and turned the lazy susan, stopping when Levi gave a nod as the meat he’d been eyeing came within reach. Hanji was talking his ear off, but the quiet man seemed used to it and must have developed some sixth sense in their time together- he was clearly still aware of the rest of the table’s chatter and actions. Digging in to keep more people from talking to him, Levi sampled the various dishes.

Moblits powers of distracting Hanji’s focus seemed to be wearing off, and they kept glancing more and more frequently at Levi. He stuffed a dumpling in his mouth, chewing exaggeratedly and pretending he didn’t notice their inquisitive eyes. If there were going to be more questions he wanted to be sure Hanji didn’t make a scene again. Hanji alone, he could handle. They could barely focus on the food in front of them, but Hanji and Moblit? It would be difficult with Moblit’s observation skills, but if he caught them off-guard and no one else was involved he figured it would work.

Hanji turned to him, and Levi prepared himself. He swallowed the dumpling and cleared his mind, focusing on Hanji and Moblit’s faces rather than the dread of having to answer more questions. The conversation at the other side of the table grew more distant, quieter and less important as he searched the space around and through Hanji while they began to speak. He found what he was looking for at just the right moment.

“Lee, why did you-” the words slowed as Hanji spoke them, their sentence stretching out as a look of mild confusion crossed their face and then disappeared, replaced by a placid expression “-become a bartender?” They finished, the words much more flat and automatic than the previous barrage. Levi nodded, keeping his eye contact fixed on Hanji as he held tight to the invisible threads he had carefully gathered with his focus. He wound them together, binding them to his answer, imbuing the words with the meaning Hanji sought.

“It was a favor of sorts.” It didn’t matter exactly what the words were, but there was no reason to use an outright lie. These words were true, and with their truth added to the weight of Hanji and Moblit’s attention wrapped tightly around them, they’d be enough.

Hanji nodded, their eyes sliding away from Levi as they looked for something more interesting to investigate. Moblit took a drink of wine, accepting the answer and moving on easily. Levi relaxed, turning back to his food as more small plates arrived. As the new arrivals were shared around, everyone’s attention turned to the food and each other once again. Hanji, sensing an opportunity, opened their mouth and Levi winced preemptively. There was no way he could slip around answers this time, not with so many people involved, so many threads to keep track of.

“Lee, what-”

Just as Hanji began, Nanaba cut in, “I think we’ve asked Lee plenty of questions, we should let him eat something. Besides, Lee, don’t you have any questions about Erwin?” She smiled, tilting her chin upwards.

“Questions about Erwin?” Levi paused, his chopsticks hovering over a steaming pork bun. “Well, most of you met in college, right?” Sneaking a sly look at Erwin, Levi tilted his head to the side as he continued, “So I bet you’ve got embarrassing stories.” Erwin chuckled, shaking his head as Levi snuck his knee closer, touching it gently to Erwin’s thigh under the table. He felt Erwin’s hand come to rest on his leg in response, warm and heavy as it stroked the denim over his thigh.

Mike nodded, “Oh yeah. Erwin could get pretty wild.”

“Please, Mike.” Erwin squeezed Levi’s leg, sending a shiver through him. But he also badly wanted to see the man embarrassed, so Levi leaned in, urging Mike on.

“Wild, huh?”

“Oh yeah, one time he was so drunk he snorted a line of chili powder and chased it with a shot of pasta sauce on a dare.” Mike wasn’t even bothering to hide his broad grin as Nanaba rolled her eyes and Hanji giggled.

“I remember that,” Hanji added, “and then he was complaining about how it burned- of course it burned!”

“Or how about the time he vomited on a cop?” Mike was in the swing of things now as Erwin groaned and the hand on Levi’s leg squeezed tighter, fingers beginning to rub at his thigh muscles.

“I don’t know,” Nanaba spoke up, “That’s all just typical drunken stupidity. I thought the streaking thing he organized in the boys’ freshman dorm was pretty ingenious.”

“Okay, this I need to hear about,” Levi said, looking over at Nanaba.

“Well, he thought it would be really funny if the guys all -streaked? Struck?” Nanba shook her head, light blonde hair fluttering as she continued. “Whatever it’s called around different parts of the campus. He had this route planned out. One where they’d go by the girls’ dorms and the sororities, and it threw in a few other places too. I think by the library. But one night wasn’t enough for Erwin.” As he listened to Nanaba, Levi looked over at Erwin, amused to see a slow smile growing on his face.

The fucker wasn’t embarrassed at all.

In fact, he looked downright proud as Nanaba described it. “So he made it a whole week and every night was a different theme. There was a zombie night, an animal night, a formal night, one night where they just painted themselves blue, I’m not sure I remember the rest. But everyone involved had some kind of accessories or costume, if you could call it that, and they all ran around making a bunch of noise and singing these terrible, rhymes. I don’t even know how they came up with all those innuendos.”

“Rhyming innuendos? That sounds good. What kind?” Levi urged Nanaba on. He felt Erwin’s grip tighten on his thigh and leaned into the prospect of finally succeeding in embarrassing the man.

“I don’t think anyone remembers those,” Erwin spoke, adding, “it was a long time ago.”

Hanji perked up. “I think one of them went-”

“That’s enough, Hanji.” Erwin’s face was stern enough to stop even his friends from chattering on, and Levi felt a thrill of amusement at being able to get such a rise from him. Usually teasing Erwin went nowhere, but with his friends involved it was a lot more exciting. “Besides,” Erwin added, turning to Nanaba, “I don’t remember you being too upset by the whole thing- that’s how you met Mike, wasn’t it?” Nanaba colored prettily, her burst of laughter a light, clear sound.

“That’s right, animal night,” Mike answered. Levi held back a snort as Mike gave Nanaba a meaningful look.

They chatted on, Erwin’s friends reminiscing about college, stuffing themselves, and enjoying the drinks that Moblit kept filled. As things wound down, Erwin excused himself to use the restroom.

As soon as he’d left the room, Nanaba turned to Levi and spoke seriously, her voice intentionally quiet.

“I’m sorry we acted so strange when you arrived, Lee, it’s just that you look a lot like… someone we knew.”

“Someone?” Levi frowned, searching her face, but Nanaba seemed reluctant to add more.

“Marie. You look like Marie,” Hanji blurted, “You’re both short, pale, have dark hair, and you’ve got those pointy chins. I mean, the resemblance pretty much ends there, but it’s still really strong. ”

“Short?” Levi glared at Hanji until they flinched and looked away. “Who is Marie, anyway?”

Everyone turned to stare at him again, their surprised looks mirroring each other.

“You don’t know?” The first to snap out of it, Hanji’s eyes locked onto Levi’s face as they asked. Levi shook his head, feeling frustration grow as they held back. When the explanation came it was from the most unlikely place- Moblit.

“Marie was Erwin’s girlfriend. They were going to get married. A few year ago. She died. It was- very sad,” Moblit finished simply. He looked like he wanted to add more, but his head turned to the side and his mouth closed quickly. Looking over, Levi saw that Erwin was returning and he knew Moblit was unlikely to add anything more.

As they finished their meal, Levi’s thoughts kept returning to what Moblit and the others had said. That he looked like Marie. A woman Erwin had never mentioned from his past. Maybe her death was the cause of the heaviness Levi had sensed in Erwin. Maybe losing her had begun to shake his grip on this reality. No longer hungry, he poked at the sweet bun left on his plate until Erwin took it off his hands, enjoying it far more than Levi would have anyway.

They said their goodbyes and headed back to the train, retracing their steps along the sidewalk. Levi was distracted; the new information kept tearing his attention elsewhere as he thought about its implications. At the curb he hardly noticed the walk light changing and started when he heard his name, “Levi-”

Erwin grabbed him roughly by the arm, pulling him back onto the street corner as a car whipped by, passing close enough that his bangs fluttered. The shaky sigh of relief Erwin let out as he instinctively reached for Levi, pulling him into a brief, tight hug made little impression. Instead, Levi looked distractedly over Erwin’s shoulder, arms hanging limp by his sides.

He looked like Marie. Had it been what first caught Erwin’s eye?

As they parted and waited for the light to turn again, he shrugged away the worried knitting of blonde brows that followed his every move.

It was easier to hide his thoughts on the platform. Erwin was speaking to him, but Levi simply gave his usual nods and small grunts in response. Only one bit of conversation cut through his haze of thought.

“I think my friends liked you, Levi. Not that their opinion would stop me from being with you, but I’m glad everyone got along.”

Levi looked over, nodding as he remembered the dinner. “Yeah. They’re good people, you’re lucky to have them.” The answer seemed to satisfy Erwin who stepped close and threaded his arm through Levi’s, pulling his hand temporarily from his coat pocket in the process. Distracted, thinking of the mystery woman Marie and her uncanny resemblance, Levi let the display of affection he’d usually avoid slide.

Marie had died. A few years ago. But Erwin had said he often thought of the past, and something clung to him even now. Its hold was weaker, Levi thought, as he stared at Erwin while they rode the train. But it was still there. How had she died? Why was it so difficult for Erwin to move on? These were the simplest questions his mind brought up, countless smaller, unvoiced ones creating a background hum in his brain as they walked to Erwin’s apartment, Levi’s movements automatic as he puzzled through it all.

In the elevator a thought struck him. The now-familiar litany: his unlikely lookalike, Marie. But this time, more followed. Was it important? It didn’t seem to be. A coincidence, a fluke, or maybe a sign? But what was this a sign of? The thoughts stayed with him, making him a little vacant as they got into Erwin’s apartment.

It wasn’t until Levi was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling in bed, that the buzzing thoughts grew to a clamor. Erwin rolled next to him, reaching an arm out and pulling Levi close, breathing warm against his neck as he pressed his nose behind Levi’s ear and murmured softly. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong?”

“You’ve been so quiet since dinner.” The brush of Erwin’s lips, the slip of his warm tongue over the back of Levi’s ear brought him firmly into the present.

“I was just thinking about something your friends said.”

“Hmmm?” Erwin hummed, nibbling at Levi’s earlobe before swiping a wet line up around the seam where ear and head met.

“They said I look like Marie.”

Erwin stopped licking, pulling away quickly. His head propped on a hand, he looked down into Levi’s face, eyes searching in the dark.

“Like Marie?” Erwin repeated. Levi nodded. His gaze still trained on Levi, Erwin pressed further. “Is it a bad thing?”

“No. I mean, other than the fact that I don’t really like being compared to a woman.” He tried to pass it off, wrestling with his own confused thoughts. Still, Erwin’s gaze did not leave him, did not release him from its hold.

“You’re sure that’s all?” The response was cautious. He could answer if he chose, but if he didn’t, Levi knew there might never be a better chance. If Erwin hadn’t brought Marie up before, he was unlikely to again. The silence sank in, deepening the weight of blue eyes in the dark and making the words itch under Levi’s skin until he couldn’t take it any longer.

“Is that why you noticed me?” Levi asked. Concern flashed across Erwin’s face, knitting his brow and drawing his mouth down at the edges. It turned his relaxed expression serious as he spoke in a quiet, thoughtful tone.

“No. I’ve never thought, for one single second, that you look like Marie. You look like you, Levi.”

Sighing, Levi turned his head to the side, away from Erwin. He stared at the wall for a moment, collecting himself. Feeling Erwin’s eyes on him, how they bored into him. How they demanded his affirmation.

“Are you worried about it?” Erwin’s voice was tight.

Levi turned back to respond, he wanted to say these words to the man’s face. He wasn’t going to hide from them.

“No, I’m worried about you. She was obviously important to you.” Holding Erwin’s gaze, he returned it with his own. He had to make Erwin understand. To hear his words and also see their meaning.

“I can’t replace her, Erwin. If that’s what you’re looking for, I’ll never be it.”

Erwin slumped, letting his head fall onto Levi’s bare chest, weight settling on his sternum. Not responding, just letting Levi’s breathing slowly raise and lower his head, Erwin lay like that. Ear down, pressed to his chest, Levi’s hand came up slowly to stoke away blonde strands that had fallen over closed eyes. “I know.” Erwin murmured into his skin. “And I don’t want that. I want you.”

Raising his  head, Erwin looked up at Levi. They could see each other, look at each other this way, but it wasn’t on the same level. Before Levi could move to correct it, Erwin was already sliding up on the bed, until their faces were at the same level, bodies turned toward one another as they both shifted onto their sides. Erwin’s hand found his, their fingers threading together easily. Their eyes tried to communicate what words could not. Their bodies moved closer, closing the space between until their foreheads pressed to one another’s. Until their laced fingers, trapped tight between them, held them apart more than brought them together. Erwin leaned close, their lips grazing as Levi felt a hand come up to cradle his jaw.

As he tilted his head back and deepened their kiss, Levi felt himself melt. The worries subdued, he lay, tired and relaxed, surrounded by Erwin’s warmth. The brush of fingers and the comforting pressure of arms around him. Sharing the same blanket, the same bed,  the same reality. Drifting further into a state of comfortable ease with Erwin’s kisses lighting little flickers of smoldering pleasure that more than satisfied his uneasy thoughts.

“You already have me, Erwin.”

Chapter Text

It had been a few weeks since Levi had moved in, and Erwin was still adjusting to his schedule. Erwin hadn’t realized before, between intermittent texting and dates once a week, how much Levi worked. It felt like he saw the man barely more than when they lived apart. In some ways Levi’s presence was so subtle, it was almost the same as living alone. Each night he returned home, shaking the snow from his collar, to find Levi already gone, no trace of the man remaining other than the hints of his meager belongings. He owned so little: the leather jacket perched on the coat tree by the door, a few t-shirts hung in the closet between Erwin’s button-downs, the clothes he’d seen Levi wear to the gym, and a single extra pair of black jeans along with a few pairs of sock and underwear folded and placed into the drawer Erwin had vacated for him. Everything was black, neat, practical, and somber- like the man himself. Erwin enjoyed seeing them each day, the precious few things that made up the sum total of Levi’s materials presence, but he couldn’t help but think that Levi owned far too little. The things had all arrived in a battered wooden foot locker trunk that now occupied a corner of the bedroom, its squat, solid presence providing the most compelling evidence of his new roommate. 

Levi’s move changed Erwin’s routine in small ways. He still came home to an empty apartment, but he cooked more frequently, wanting to leave something for Levi when he came home late at night, and the refrigerator finally housed more than beer and condiments. He still sank down onto the couch and flicked on the television to watch documentaries, but sometimes he read the books he’d begun borrowing from the library, and increasingly he had enough energy to fit in a trip to the gym. Other times, after an especially draining day or on weekend nights when Levi worked, he would float into the bedroom. Checking the closet, seeing the small collection of black garments hanging there, before making his way over to the bed and pulling back the comforter to steal a few moments in the sheets Levi had carefully made that still held hints of his presence. A tinge of the ancient smells of dust and paper, laced with the tang of strange electricity, a scent Erwin finally placed as ozone, that reminded him of Oberon’s. And at its edges something else, something more delicate and fleeting that he could only catch if he wasn’t seeking it, something more personal to Levi- like the lake in springtime and new shoots of grass flecked with dew. Erwin would sigh into Levi’s pillow, letting himself look forward to Levi’s late return. To waking up with the man lying in his arms, his for a few precious hours in the night.

On Levi’s rare days off, Erwin’s anxiousness to see him could barely be contained. If he was working he pushed through the day, buoyed by the knowledge that Levi would be home when he got back. Awake, ready to go somewhere, do something, and staying up into the wee hours to match his sleep schedule felt like a privilege rather than a burden, even if sometimes Erwin nodded off on the couch or groaned his way through the next morning fueled by coffee and memories of the night before.

A dreary, freezing Tuesday was the next time that Levi wasn’t scheduled to work. The flat grey blankness of clouds covering the city made it easy to ignore the hostile weather outside and wrap himself up in work. There were no distractions that could sit between him and getting out of the office on time, and Erwin cut through the busywork like a hot knife, easily finishing what felt like three day’s work in one as his focus never wavered. One minute after five saw him up from his chair, shaking the tension from his neck and leaving the office as quickly as he could without looking desperate. The bone-chilling cold hardly touched him as he strode down the sidewalk, skillfully weaving through the other pedestrians and making his way to the train. Before the distance of the journey had even registered he was back at the apartment, opening the door, smiling as the warm air and the whistle of water boiling in the kettle greeted him.

Levi stepped around the half-wall of the kitchen and turned, hefting a mug and asking, “Want tea?”

The quick, “Yes!” Erwin breathed out was loud. He’d noticed what Levi wore, and what precious little it was. One of his button-down shirts, a pale purple one he hardly ever chose, only buttoned halfway up and falling well past mid-thigh on Levi. Its neckline gaped open, the view of sculpted muscle and Levi’s chest almost as arresting as the sharpness of his collarbones above and the flecks of dark hair patterning pale thighs below. He swallowed, fighting the sudden wave of arousal and possessive yearning as he nodded again and Levi raised a thin eyebrow, giving him an amused look. Levi disappeared as quickly as he’d come, slipping back into the kitchen to fix tea while Erwin set his bag down to remove his overcoat and shoes and hoped his slacks did an acceptable job of hiding his half-erection.

He snuck into the kitchen, hoping not to disturb Levi as the man poured hot water into two mugs, and wrapped his arms around him from behind, hooking his chin over the smaller man’s shoulder to watch the mugs steam.

“Looks like someone’s happy to see me, even if I don’t get a ‘hello’,” Levi joked in monotone as his ass pushed meaningfully against Erwin’s boner. “Want some sugar?”

“Yes. Please.” Erwin leaned over, catching Levi’s lips for a soft moment, just enough time to start opening them with his own before the man pulled away.

“For the tea,” Levi grumbled.

“That too,” Erwin agreed, hardly dissuaded. Only when Levi forced them apart, shaking dark bangs and pushing a hot mug into Erwin’s hand did he let go.

“It’s over there.” He waved a pale hand at the sugar bowl and picked up his mug. “I’m changing. If I’d known wearing your stupid shirt would make you into such an asshole I wouldn’t have…whatever. We’re never getting out if I don’t change.” As he stalked out of the kitchen Erwin couldn’t help but stare. Bare feet padding down the hall, the curve of a firm buttock revealed by the shirt’s loose fabric as Levi moved- Erwin groaned quietly and loosened his tie. Only once Levi had closed the bedroom door was he able to take a sip of tea, reminding him that he had not, in fact, added any sugar.

When Levi reappeared from the bedroom he wore the same black jeans and t-shirt he always did. Erwin cocked his head, debating what he was about to say for only a second before opening his mouth. “You didn’t want to wear that shirt? I don’t mind.”

“Outside?”

“Why not? It could go over that.” Erwin sipped his tea, enjoying the mix of slight bitterness chased by sweet. “Purple suits you.”

Levi crossed his arms, eyeing him. “Okay. I think you’re full of shit, but either way you should change, too. That suit is too fancy.”

“Where are we going?”

“For a walk. There’s somewhere I want to take you.”

By now Erwin was used to Levi’s vague half-responses. The information he’d provided was enough to make a decision about what to wear, so Erwin drank the rest of his tea quickly and headed into the bedroom. He changed into dark jeans and a red turtleneck, trying to keep himself from smiling when Levi popped back into the bedroom to grab the purple shirt from where he’d left it folded on the bed.

Rejoining Levi by the front door, he looked down at the man tying the laces of thick-soled boots. The sleeves of his shirt had been rolled up to the middle of his upper arms, the muscles and tendons in them standing out as he tightened the laces. As he stood, Erwin saw that the shirt fell open to the center of his chest, the lowest button left undone as well. So used to seeing Levi in relatively form-fitting clothing, the way the shirt draped was an intriguing change, its pale color making his other clothing and hair look even darker.

“What are you staring at? You said it looked good,” Levi stated with a  thin frown.

“It does,” Erwin answered softly, reaching to tilt Levi’s chin upwards as he placed a brief kiss to his forehead before he let his nose trace down the angle of Levi’s cheek until their lips met. This time Levi did not jerk away, the kiss lingering between them for longer than Erwin had dared to hope as he reveled in the softness of lips and the wet tip of Levi’s tongue seeking its way into his mouth. Levi still tasted faintly of the bitterness of tea, and it soothed the hectic rush of the day from Erwin’s mind, rewarding his efforts beyond what he’d earned. As Erwin became more aware of their bodies and the pleasantly eager way Levi returned his kiss, he wondered if they really needed to leave the apartment at all tonight. He’d be perfectly happy to go back into the bedroom they’d just left.

The thoughts were dashed, but Erwin’s good mood remained intact as Levi pulled away, tugging his coat on and opening the door with a jerk, almost out of the apartment before Erwin has begun to process their separation.

“Come on, let’s go.” Levi stepped out of view into the hallway, but not before Erwin caught a flash of pink darkening his ears and neck.

Climbing steeply out of the underground train station, the wind rubbed raw down the tight stairwell, and only cold greeted them as they stepped onto the sidewalk. The wide shopping street was lined with businesses and people flowing north-south, mirroring the traffic of cars and buses. Stripped of the tourists by the weather and the weeknight, the foot traffic was less hectic than Erwin was used to. He hardly ever came to this area alone, and when he did it was on a weekend to shop. Since Levi owned so little and had never expressed much interest in buying anything, their presence here was even more baffling. Yet, Erwin easily fell into step with Levi’s confident stride- heading north.

“Where are you taking me today?” he murmured, head bent, tilted down at an angle so the words reached Levi’s ear before the wind plucked them away.

“To the center.” Terse, sharp- an answer as enigmatic as ever. But it sent a thrill down Erwin’s spine- he liked being at the whim of Levi’s mysteries more than he’d admit.

In a few blocks they stopped at a street corner and Levi pointed up at the signs above. Erwin read the one for the road crossing in front of them, then the one marking the way they had followed. The names were familiar, but he immediately noticed the numbers. Zero east and west. Zero north and south. The city’s grid picked out the location of every address in neat numbers marking direction and distance all relative to a single place: the intersection where they now stood. The Center.

With no further explanation, Levi crossed the street as the lights turned, Erwin tagging along behind, still wondering at the meaning of this place. It was ordinary- convenience stores and clothing shops, a café, tall buildings that rose above holding apartments and offices. Nothing caught his eye about the place other than the numbering, and when Levi paused at an alley just beyond the intersection, Erwin picked up his pace to catch up. He thought they would walk on, but when he reached Levi the man turned, caught his hand, and led him into the alley.

The grip of Levi’s bare fingers was tight, the tug on his arm a bit harder than necessary as they trudged through the grey slush of old snow collecting in the gutter and continued past the backs of buildings. The alley narrowed, dumpsters forcing them to skirt around as Erwin tired his best to pick his way around the half-frozen puddles that Levi’s boots travelled straight through. The lights shining down the alley flickered, Levi’s hand squeezing hard, and the sounds of traffic and the road behind began to fade. Erwin blinked, finding the alley much longer than he’d thought, wondering why they hadn’t come to the end of the block yet. Instead of seeing the next road, the alley led into shadow, steam rising from a vent in the pavement obscuring his view. “Don’t let go,” Levi spoke, his voice suddenly loud, cutting through the dark, close path, almost making Erwin jump as his hackles rose and cold fingers dug into his hand.

As they passed into the steam, Erwin felt a change. Damp air blanketed them, wrapping them up in a cocoon and obscuring his vision totally. He felt suddenly alone. He opened his mouth to call out to Levi, confused about which direction they had been going. But instead of words coming out, the steam flowed in, filling his mouth and nose, coating his throat and pressing the words back. He saw nothing, and heard nothing, the haze pressing in from all directions, almost solid in its presence. Just as his heart began to pound and his body twitch with panic he felt it, the squeeze of strong, thin fingers laced through his own: Levi. A gentle tug on his arm increased in force until he stumbled forward to follow, the steam unswirling and falling from him with each step. The clinging damp of the fog retreated, and as it melted from his body, Erwin looked around once more.

The alley was gone.

They stood on a path, a worn track of dirt cutting through a carpet of green underneath their feet. The air was warm and Erwin drew in a deep breath of it, relief washing over him. Levi still held his hand. He had never let go.

“How did we-” Erwin asked half of the question, head turning to stare down at the grass, then looking around for signs of walls and pavement, anything to indicate the alley they’d just left. But there was nothing of the sort, walls replaced by trees and bushes growing up to flank them on either side, giving way to grass and the path on which they stood. Freezing city was replaced by forest, green leafed trees, brush and shrubs. All living, rustling gently with the barest hint of wind, lending their warm vegetal scent to the air.

“We walked along the leyline at The Center,” Levi deadpanned, obviously not in much of a mood to answer questions. He turned away, indicating with a nod of his head that they should continue to follow the path. Erwin sighed, letting himself be pulled along as they moved forward, lingering every moment Levi let him and drinking in the sights.

As they continued down the path Levi seemed to grow less tense, the almost-painful grip of his fingers relaxing. The path became less foreboding too, the wildness of forest retreating a little further from either side as sounds of the evening outdoors beginning to filter through the air. It was not quite dark here, Erwin realized, the quality of the light reminding him of a summer evening when the sun is still reluctant to set, gold and rich, holding the warmth of the daytime. As the sounds of the forest grew louder, a mourning dove’s coo easing the strangeness from the place with its familiar call, they entered a clearing. Before them stood a hedge, high and carefully trimmed, and at its center a wrought-iron gate. A lamp hung above the gate, its slightly-greenish light dancing and flickering in a way that reminded Erwin of something he couldn’t quite discern.

As they got closer he stared at it, suddenly struck by realization dawning all at once. The lamp’s glass was full of insects, their bodies thin and long, climbing over the inside and flitting within. Flashing, glowing, their tails pulsed yellow-green as they flew and rested. It was full of fireflies- hundreds of them. Their intermittent glow was something he hadn’t seen since moving to the city. Erwin was snapped from his amazement by the creak of metal as Levi opened the iron gate, letting it swing forward.

“Are you coming?” The smaller man asked, raising an eyebrow and looking up to Erwin. It was a question and an invitation. Their fingers no longer entwined, Erwin knew he was free to choose whether to enter through the gate or not. The thought made him a little nervous, wondering if there were any repercussions to making this decision.

“Will anything bad happen if I do?” He asked, carefully watching Levi’s reaction. The way Levi bit his lower lip, worrying it for a second before responding spoke to a slight hesitation that was reflected in his answer.

“No. I’m pretty sure. No one should be here now. Just don’t eat anything.”

Erwin nodded. “And will anything bad happen if I don’t?”

This time Levi shook his head, a look of slight amusement crossing grey eyes. “Only that you’ll ruin the date.” At that Erwin smiled. He stole a quick glance at the dark ring on his right hand, the one Levi had given him. Its smooth shine was reassuring. He stepped forward, and let Levi lead him.

When they passed through the gate, they entered the garden beyond. It was a naturalistic, overgrown thing, not what Erwin had expected at all from the orderly hedge that walled it. The path continued, winding off into the mass of green, little more than a flattened ribbon of grass. The trees above shaded the path, reaching high into the air with dark branches outstretched, supporting a roof of green broken in places by the dusky light lingering above. The air was humid, thick with the scent of plants and lit in shafts of luster that small insects flitted through, their bodies momentarily turned to motes of gold in the fading light.

They walked, lingering on the winding paths with no set destination or purpose that Erwin sensed, passing the occasional firefly lamp hung from the bend of a tall metal crook. Green corridors, emerald dark and lush in the heady evening air, pressed in on both sides. Swishy twigs brushed at his jeans, the overhanging branches above low enough that he could easily reach up to touch their leaves. And scattered through it all, wending and squeezing wherever they could, were flowers. Whippy vines with showy white bell-shaped blossoms, lacing their sweet scent into the air as they crawled over everything. Small star-like purple petals, delicate wildflowers that poked out of the shadows to catch the green-tinted shade from larger plants above. No real pattern or meaning to their placement, instead the garden was a riot of greenery, wild in its untamed beauty.

The warmth of the sweet air permeated Erwin’s lungs, soaking into his muscles and the marrow of his bones as he felt the armor he’d built against winter loosen. It was amazing to be outside and warm; his body had almost forgotten the pure joy of it. He even shrugged off his overcoat, folding it over one arm when their wandering paused. “We can leave them,” Levi suggested, indicating Erwin’s coat and then a small stone bench by the side of the path. Pushing the large leaves of a fern away from its seat, Erwin thought that it was no wonder he hadn’t noticed the bench almost swallowed by plants.

“They won’t be taken by anyone?” Erwin asked, taking Levi’s coat from him and placing it next to his own.

“No, no one here would take them. They wouldn’t need them.” Erwin nodded, not bothering to question Levi’s assertion. As they continued to walk, leaving their warm clothing behind, he thought instead. No one here would need warm clothing, that was true given the balmy temperature, but there was more to it. Something slotted into place in his mind.

Levi had only ever worn a thin leather jacket before Erwin bought him the peacoat, yet he’d never seemed uncomfortable despite the weather. If there were others like Levi, people who knew about strange monsters and spirits, people who had no need of a warm coat, then a garden blooming in the dead of winter was a strangely fitting place for them to be.

“Are you sure we won’t see anyone?” The implications of Levi’s earlier words unsettled Erwin more than he’d like to admit. He’d never given much thought to whether there were other people like Levi before, but now he was forced to consider the possibility.

Levi paused. “Not totally,” he admitted, voice quiet in its hesitation. “But-” he waved a hand at a nearby peony bush, blush-pink heads heavy with petals that pulled them down, stems buckling under the weight as they spilled onto the edges of the path, “-pretty sure I’m the only one who comes here.”

“And where, exactly, is here?” Erwin asked, moving closer to Levi and winding an arm around the man’s waist. He already knew, in a way. They were somewhere else, somewhere he’d been before when he went to Oberon’s, somewhere he’d walked through when they passed between cars on the subway. They were somewhere that gave Erwin that same feeling of immense age, of quiet power, slightly unsettling, but breathtakingly beautiful. Exactly like Levi.

“Are we in the other world? The one the incubus came from?”

Levi sighed and they started walking down the path again, skirting between fallen peony stems. “I don’t know if I’d call it that. But, sort of. The incubus obviously doesn’t come from this garden. Just somewhere kind of like this, somewhere beyond the edge.” It was a lot more than Erwin had thought he’d get, a much more complete explanation that he’d even hoped for. The inward set of Levi’s shoulders and the slight tension where their sides touched made him reluctant to press further. Levi had already trusted him with quite a lot, and its meaning would take time to unpack fully.

Continuing on their way, Erwin let his doubts and the nagging unease fall away as he unwound in the warmth of the place. Their journey was easy, lingering by a small pond littered with lily pads, tripping down a set of a few stairs, stone worn down in deep dips on their surfaces and corners rounded from age. They pushed around a huge overgrown hydrangea bush, Erwin batting away clusters of blue flowers while Levi seemed to pass by with perfect fluid grace, the leaves sliding over and away as he passed. In fact, Erwin began to notice, Levi moved through the garden as though it was his home. He knew which way to turn at each fork, never hesitating for even a second’s decision. Seeing him so at ease made Erwin’s chest warm, and he slid his hand into the back pocket of Levi’s dark jeans, fitting him close as an arm found its way around his waist.

They walked, enjoying the garden, Levi looking at the plants, periodically closing his eyes to listen to some trilling bird-call or looking around to find a cricket’s hiding place. More interested in watching Levi than the garden, Erwin savored his presence, leaning over as far as he could without crowding the man and enjoying the way their clothes brushed with each step.

“See that?” Levi asked, drawing Erwin’s attention with a pointed finger. He paused, peering into the underbrush at the shadowed hollow under a bush where wide flat green leaves stuck up and delicate stems stood, bent by a row of tiny bell-shaped flowers hanging from them. “Lily of the valley. And those?” His hand moved to the right, where Erwin saw coiled green-brown shoots springing from the loam. “Fiddle head ferns.”

“They’re beautiful,” Erwin murmured, amazed that Levi had picked them out so easily from everything else.

“Taste good too,” Levi added.

“The flowers?”

“No, those are poison. The ferns,” Levi scoffed, as though Erwin’s mistake was ridiculous. But Levi’s body said otherwise- given away by the way he shook his head, dismissing the confusion with a gesture that spoke only of fondness. The arm around Erwin’s waist pressed them both on, drawing them closer as they began to move again.

It was different to see Levi in this setting, much more engaged with his surroundings than Erwin could recall. He pointed out plants and flowers, telling Erwin their names or showing him small features he’d never noticed before. He still wasn’t chatty, but it was a lot for Levi. Catching the edge of a fern that leaned towards him as he passed, Levi pulled it gently up and slid a finger over the small dark bumps on its underside, showing Erwin their neat pattern. Where his finger moved over the plant it seemed almost to shudder, and when his fingers released it, the fern leaned even further toward the man rather than bouncing back into place.

It was as though Levi not only knew this garden, but as though it knew him, as though it was welcoming him back after an absence. Each plant seemed to greet Levi a different way, some trailing stems after him as he passed, others bending boughs slightly to shade his path, none ever barring his passage or hindering his movement. Of course the place was alive, but it made Erwin wonder if it was also somehow living, and nothing would have surprised him.

Eventually their slow walk led them to an area where the garden opened up. Unlike the few almost-buried benches they’d passed, to their side stood a wide stone bench, almost large enough to lie on. They sat down, Levi’s head resting on Erwin’s shoulder, Erwin’s hand on his hip finding its way up under the baggy purple shirt he’d lent Levi to rest on familiar worn denim.

“Thank you for bringing me here, Levi. You seem very at home,” Erwin said.

Giving a small nod that he felt in his shoulder, Levi replied, “I’ve always liked this place. I like plants. They’re quiet. They don’t need much. Probably the only thing I ever wondered about. I even thought about studying them or some shit like that for a while. ”

“Well, these ones seem to like you too,” Erwin chuckled. He looked down to catch Levi’s eye before continuing. “And I could imagine you studying them, you already know a lot. The way you know these plants, I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me this was your garden.”

“I couldn’t keep anything like this; you see how much of a mess it is.”

“Maybe something smaller then.”

Levi snuck a glance at him, grey eyes peering through a fall of dark hair, a bit of a faraway look lurking at their edges. “I don’t know. There’s not much time to take care of things like that with my work.”

“Well,” Erwin paused. He thought about Levi’s job- working nights, very little time off, how their schedules never seemed to match up. It wasn’t even just the selfish aspect, he realized, Levi didn’t seem to hold much enthusiasm for his job as a bartender at all. He hardly ever made drinks at home, instead preferring straight liquor or wine, and he never spoke about work.

The reoccurring bruises and cuts came to mind too. Erwin had seen them more and more often once Levi moved in, mysterious evidence of ‘errands’ that Levi would brush off whenever Erwin mentioned it. The injuries faded as quickly as they came, both with startling speed, but their presence made his gut twist whenever he saw the angry marks on Levi’s pale skin.

It was not a good job. Levi deserved better.

“You could always find a different job if you wanted. Something where you’d have more time for a garden. Maybe you could even go back to school and study plants like you said.”

Looking away, Levi’s answer held a bitter edge, “It doesn’t matter. I can’t.”

“You can’t? What do you mean?”

“I mean I can’t.”

“Levi, I know it’s not easy.” Erwin added, thinking about what might be involved. The usual barriers: time, money, motivation, were all obvious answers, but Levi’s words had felt heavier than just those things. “But ‘can’t’ isn’t a good way to look at things. I don’t mean to assume, but you don’t seem to enjoy bar-tending much. Why do you still do it?”

“Why does anyone do anything they don’t want to, Erwin? I have an obligation.” Levi’s fingers dug down into Erwin’s thigh as he spoke, a slight edge of anger at something Erwin didn’t understand betrayed by his tight grip.

Wracking his brain for what it could possibly mean, Erwin pushed forward- it wasn’t often that Levi was this open. He knew Levi had lived in the same building as the bar before moving, and he’d always been vague regarding his employer, though his loyalty to his superior or the job was obvious from the long hours he put in and the injuries he got out of it. What could inspire such dedication, however, was a total unknown. He thought suddenly of the idea that maybe there were other people like Levi in the world, who worked, or even lived, beyond the edges. “Is it a family thing?” He took a guess.

“…something like that.” The answer wasn’t fully satisfying, but if it was something to do with whatever family Levi had, then Erwin didn’t want to press further. In Erwin’s experience, people who never spoke of their family usually had good reason. If Levi felt so trapped, all he could really do was offer support.

“If you ever want to find something else, I’d like to help any way I can. I can easily pay the bills and rent while you’re looking.”

“Erwin…” Levi sighed.

“I did before,” Erwin continued, insistent on making Levi understand, “I could help pay for classes, too. I wouldn’t mind if you were interested in it. And you’re always welcome-”

“Erwin,” Levi cut him off. “If I could, I would. But right now, I can’t.” Levi looked back up at him, their eyes meeting. His usual expression softened, Erwin looked into grey eyes that looked both more tired and more unguarded than he’d ever seen them. Not quite sad, he put a name to what he read in them: longing. Reaching up, Erwin brushed Levi’s bangs away from his forehead, fingers trailing down his cheek as Levi closed his eyes with the touch. “I haven’t found a way yet. Maybe someday.” Levi barely breathed the words, brushing the curve of his nose against Erwin’s shoulder.

“Levi, if there’s anything I can do to help, I want you to tell me.”

“I know.”

“I mean it. I’ll help you any way I can. I promise.”

The weight of Levi’s head on his shoulder eased, and Levi fixed him with a steady look. “Do you mean that?” he asked.

Erwin didn’t need to think about his answer to know it was right when he spoke it. “Yes. I promise.” The words rang true, his mind already made up. For the first time in a long time, Erwin wanted to make a promise. He wanted to be the one to give.

Taking his simple words, Levi looked down to where their hands had found each other as they rested on Erwin’s thigh. “Thanks,” he murmured. Then, looking back up at Erwin with a slight twist to the corner of his mouth, he added, “I’ll hold you to that.”

Feeling his chest ease, Erwin realized he’d needed to say and hear these things just as much as Levi must have. Brimming with more warmth than he’d thought the garden’s air held, Erwin wrapped an arm around Levi’s back, pulling his body closer until they slotted neatly against each other.

They sat, relaxing in the calm evening, Erwin letting the darker undertones of their conversation fade as the garden’s glow and mystery settled around them. The unfamiliar sounds of nature were soothing, as was Levi’s cheek resting on his shoulder. Intermittent chirps of crickets and the shushing of wind in the trees above whispered calm that the pulse and hum of the city normally drowned out. Their fingers brushed, twining together and clasping.

They turned to one another naturally, exchanging tokens of their closeness. Fleeting touches, languid kisses swapped as they took their time. This was somewhere special, Erwin was sure, and Levi had chosen to bring him here, to this secret place. It felt secret, safe, and they made it more their own with each lingering brush of lips that mapped each other’s faces. Even if there were things Levi couldn’t tell him yet, all of that would follow with time. Erwin was certain as their mouths found each other and their embrace grew deeper. For now, sharing the peaceful night was enough.

With Levi, it was enough.

Chapter Text

The garden and the night, the words they’d spoken in the embrace of breathing green, all of it made Erwin certain that it was the time to act on things he’d held back. Not only the promise he’d made, there was something he’d been wanting to do. Each step through the garden increased his confidence. Each click of his shoes on the concrete and asphalt forging his resolve. As they made their way home from The Center, Erwin felt a sense of excitement- the winter’s chill banished with Levi by his side.

They fell into bed, rolling over each other in a playful tangle, a brief mischievous tussle that devolved quickly into groping and gasping. Avoiding each other’s elbows and knees in an attempt to gain the upper hand, the faux-struggle ended with them both red-faced and panting. Settling in the newly-mussed sheets and blankets, both victorious, Erwin’s remaining energy left him with each fleeting touch Levi’s lips ghosted over his own.

They kissed lazily, lying on their sides, stealing glances while they thought the other wasn’t looking. With the lights on, everything outside was banished from the space of Erwin’s bedroom.

No, it was their bedroom.

In their bedroom they relaxed.

They simply were.

Trading touch, noses brushing, fingers wandering without haste or aim.

“Levi?” Erwin asked, wondering how to bring up what he’d planned.

“Hmm?” Came the slow response, grey eyes flicking up to look at him as Levi’s fingers stroked his neck.

“I, uh-” Erwin paused. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. In his mind everything was easy, but in reality he’d have to be the one to make it happen. Levi wasn’t a mind-reader. Looking into his lover’s relaxed face, he held Levi’s gaze before blurting, “How do you ask your boyfriend to fuck you?”

Watching as the whites of Levi’s eyes grew, Erwin smiled. As the corner of Levi’s mouth quirked up, he grinned. “I think you just did.”

“Perfect,” Erwin said. It was exactly the response he’d been hoping for. His eagerness renewed, he sat up and slung himself off the bed, making his way to their dresser. He pulled open its top drawer, retrieving lube and something he’d been saving for the occasion. Concealing his mounting excitement as Levi stared at the thing in his hand was nearly impossible, a rush of heat through his body chasing the darkly sexy look gathering in half-lidded grey eyes. The smooth, black dildo fell onto the bed in a soft whup, and Erwin joined it seconds later, devouring the flicks of Levi’s eyes between the toy and his naked body.

“You want me to use this?” Levi pointed at the dildo.

Erwin nodded, tossing the lube onto the bed, “On me.”

“Yes. On you,” Levi agreed, gaze growing heavier, turning almost predatory.

“To start,” Erwin added, heat flooding his cheeks as he tried to maintain his composure.

“To start,” Levi repeated, sucking in a breath, “Jesus Christ, Erwin. If I’d known you were into this…” he trailed off before moving on his knees to where Erwin sat, sliding a hand behind his shoulders and pulling him into a breathless kiss. “Fuck, I would have done it much sooner,” Levi added, mumbling and slurring the words between their mouths. A hand gripped Erwin’s neck, its possessive weight making his breath quick as his body respond.

Pushing his tongue into Erwin’s mouth with a fierceness that had Erwin’s heart racing, Levi continued their kiss. A kiss he craved- one that held nothing back as it claimed him. The hand gripping Erwin’s neck guided him, dictating their pace as Erwin submitted to its lead. Trails of thrill lit up across his skin as Levi’s fingers stroked over his chest, making him imagine their touch everywhere as he pressed his body to them. They grasped and squeezed, groping at his chest before founding his nipple. With a pinch, a whine escaped Erwin as his desire flared and the muscles in his back tightened to the plucking and rolling of his nipple between clever fingers. Hand still settled on his neck, holding them together, Levi tugged and rubbed the hardened bud until its twinges reached all the way to Erwin’s groin and he hardened quickly. Putting his arms around Levi, hands spreading to grasp at his back, Erwin pulled the man he already ached for closer.

The kisses were savage and forceful, Levi’s strength exciting Erwin further as his sore nipple was released in favor of greedy fumbling downward. Before Levi’s hand could reach his groin and the swell of his erection, it slid off-course to rest on his waist. Erwin returned the fervor with his tongue, sliding against Levi’s before sucking at his lower lip. The hand at his waist pressed down. Insistent, it steered Erwin onto the bed. Falling back across the mattress, Erwin was happily overcome. Opening his eyes with the soft impact, their kiss broke. Erwin looked up at the halo of Levi’s black hair. Before he could reach for Levi’s face, before he could pull Levi into another kiss, before he could appreciate the straight, deep shadows lying between the tendons in Levi’s neck, the man came to him. Erwin relaxed. His eyes closed, his mouth went slack. Pliant and willing, it opened - ready to accept his lover, instead sucking in a surprised exclamation when Levi’s lips found his chest.

Focusing his attentions on Erwin’s chest and torso, Levi’s hands roved his sides and abdomen, travelling lower to rub his cock. A quick squeeze paired with Levi’s tongue lathing over his still-tender nipple made Erwin squirm. Levi’s fingers grew bold, clutching his cock. Eager for more, Erwin’s hips bucked as small, strong fingers tugged at him, working his already-hard cock.

Just as Erwin found a rhythm to anticipate- it was broken. Levi sat up on his thighs, surveying Erwin’s body while still stoking his cock in a loose grip. Looking down at Erwin, as though he was a prize to savor, one of Levi’s hands drew swooping arcs from his navel, following the thickening hair to flutter over Erwin’s groin. Being looked at from above, at the mercy of Levi, Erwin throbbed in anticipation.

Shifting his weight, Levi scooted down and Erwin’s legs parted instinctively to accommodate him.

“So good,” Levi murmured, “You’re eager, aren’t you?”

Heat flooded through him with the commanding tone in Levi’s words and his cock twitched. Unable to agree or protest, Erwin grunted instead. Levi leaned over him, and his body tensed, only to release in a desperate sigh when the touch of skin never came. Instead a pillow from the top of the bed brushed over and down his side. It went under his hips, lifted obediently as he swallowed down mounting heat and Levi settled between his legs. The straight fall of black hair dipped towards him. Erwin couldn’t contain himself any longer.

“You’re not going to use the toy?”

“I will. I just want to give you something special first.” Levi bent further, his hair tickling Erwin’s thighs.

“Special?”

“A treat, Erwin. Trust me. You’ll like it.”

Erwin stared, drinking in the sight of Levi’s straight nose and dark bangs between his trembling legs. He wondered if Levi was going to kiss him, suck him, tease his flushed skin or his aching cock. But as Levi’s fingers massaged his thighs, their steady pressure spreading his legs further, he realized that Levi had something else in mind. Straight, dark hair swayed as Levi’s head went down and down. Erwin drew in a breath. His cock bobbed as his abdomen jumped. When he felt the pressure of Levi’s nose against his balls, he gulped another breath. Delicious warmth replaced the unexpected touch as Levi’s tongue traced over loose skin. With a start he bent forward, craning his neck to see, legs tight. The sliding heat travelled down, slipped underneath his balls to the sensitive skin there, and intensified as Levi’s tongue pushed against him. It continued further. Erwin gasped. Slippery warmth traced his crack and pushed between his cheeks.

Any uncertainty faded instantly. The vision of Levi’s head bobbing between his legs and the irresistible silken wet between his cheeks quickly wound him tighter and banished all doubt. Levi’s tongue was incredible, better than he could have imagined. It lapped against him, teasing his entrance. Each lick sent a clench and thrill through him as his hips quivered. It was too much, Levi’s tongue passing over skin so intimate. It was too much, watching the dark hair between his legs nod so eagerly. It was too much, but he wanted more. His cock pulsed where it stood against his stomach. The slurping wet noises of Levi’s mouth, open as he licked and kissed at Erwin’s asshole, made him bite his lip as he struggled to take it- the sweetest torture. Levi tongue traced the edge of his entrance, each light suck at the puckered skin going straight to his cock.

Alternating between tentative and bold, broad strokes of Levi’s tongue passing over him made his head spin. The tempting light pressure and the way Levi’s fingers stroked patterns of want into his thighs were intoxicating as they strangled the breath from his lungs. He struggled for air, fighting unruly muscles tightening all over. He whined, hips shifting, grinding forward to push against Levi’s tongue before snapping back, unable to decide what he wanted most as tremors shook his legs, their weight supported increasingly on Levi’s arms.

It was too much, yet not enough.

Levi was right. He loved it. His body hummed with it.

And he wanted more.

Finally, after what felt like hours of indulgent torture as Levi’s tongue teased at his entrance, Erwin got what the strung-taught lines of his limbs and core craved. The slip and press, a twitching wave of pleasure as the wetness found its way into him, sliding past the muscle he’d thought would never have a chance to give. Closing his eyes, Levi’s tongue inside made his mouth open and his features mirror each sensation.

Levi pressed deeper. Erwin’s breath caught in his throat. His fingers found their way between his legs to tug at silken black hair, seeking an anchor. His hips rocked to meet his lovers nose buried in wisps of blonde between arousal-dampened thighs. Wanting more, even as he struggled and clung to each flick of Levi’s tongue unwinding him further.

When Levi’s mouth left him, Erwin was barely able to bite in half the whine that tore from his throat. At the sound, Levi looked up, catching Erwin’s gaze as he licked his lips and wiped the wetness from them with the back of his hand. Tapping his hip and grinning, Levi’s soft words- “Roll over,” were almost scraped to nothing by the roughness in his voice. It made Erwin more than happy to obey.

On his stomach, Erwin let Levi pull his hips higher and angle them up, sighing at the dangling weight of his cock as it lifted away from the sheets. He turned, seeing Levi behind him, spreading lube generously over the toy. When he felt the smooth, slick tip of the dildo between the cheeks of his ass, his back arched, easily taking its slim curve, the fullness already deeper than Levi’s tongue had been. Levi pressed the toy in, angling it differently each time it pulled back and slid in further. The stretch was not unwelcome. Neither was how the feeling changed with each subtle shift, growing more pleasant as Erwin relaxed. He breathed and sank into it, letting its foreignness go as the toy rubbed his insides warmer, as it opened him bit by bit. With a slight twist, the tip of the toy grazed over something inside, something that responded to the pressure.

He had no idea how, but Levi had found it. Unaware of what had given him away, what sign he’d displayed, Erwin let the feeling of fullness and the pleasant pressure grow with each stroke of the toy inside him. It felt good, passing over that place, pressing in to repeat its journey. Levi’s hand, steady, holding his waist firm and even, and the practiced, effortless way he stroked inside of Erwin glowed in his veins, spreading warmth as his breathing changed to match their rhythm.

Still, it didn’t feel like nearly enough.

Erwin wanted more.

“Levi,” He groaned, waiting to hear Levi’s grunted answer before he continued, “I’m ready. I want you inside me.” As Levi’s hand continued to move, guiding the toy back in and out, Erwin turned to look. He saw Levi kneel, pressing a kiss to the firm curve of his buttocks, and sighed lowly as the toy was eased from him. Empty for the moment, the sudden loss made him bite his lip as his body protested, small contractions squeezing on nothing.

Levi groped around them in the sheets, locating the lube before shifting his weight off the bed.

“Wait-” Erwin’s arm reached back, fingers brushing Levi’s back to get his attention.

Levi paused, already halfway off the bed. “What?”

“Where are you going?”

“Condoms are in your drawers.”

Erwin shook his head, his face heating slightly. “We don’t need them. Unless you really want. I’m clean.” Erwin waited for Levi’s response, hoping. He hoped Levi would agree. He didn’t want to use them, not this time. He didn’t want to have anything between them.

“Alright,” Levi spoke after a pause, adding, “I’m clean too.” Letting the breath go, warmth filling his chest, Erwin thrilled at the answer. Flickers of anticipation gripped his chest as the dip of the bed signaled Levi’s presence behind him. The sound the lube bottle’s cap made as Levi flicked it open, the rustle of sheets and the quiet swish of Levi touching himself were all familiar, but somehow he’d never heard them this way before. He’d never heard them from the other side. With little ceremony, Levi finished readying himself and Erwin felt a pressure between his cheeks as the head of Levi’s cock pressed against him.

His breath caught in his throat when it pushed inside, muscles out of his control as they tightened on the intrusion. Levi’s cock was suddenly huge as it pushed into him, and Erwin’s head dropped to the bed. He hadn’t expected this, not after Levi’s mouth, not after the toy- both had been so enjoyable. It was much easier to think about relaxing than to actually do it, but the impossible pressure eased somewhat as Levi ran soothing hands over his hips and lower back. He calmed his breathing, evening it enough to let Levi press a little further in.

When Levi pulled back, almost sliding completely out, he regained his composure, readying himself as best he could while his fingers dug into the sheets, holding on for dear life. The moments of forced calm were short lived, interrupted by the stinging burn of Levi’s cock pushing back in, by his muscles clamping painfully. If he could only relax he could do this- he’d seen Levi’s cock many times, there was no way it was this impossibly huge. Even more frustrating, he’d watched Levi take his own cock plenty, proof that it could be done and enjoyed. Yet with each shallow thrust the pleasure he’d tasted before eluded him. Each time Levi had to stop, hardly able to get any more of himself inside, frustrating Erwin further as his body refused to obey.

In a desperate attempt to push through, Erwin urged Levi on. “It’s fine, go ahead,” he said, bearing down and willing himself to relax.

“Are you sure?” The hesitation in Levi’s voice stung, the implication that he didn’t want this was all that Erwin could hear. Determined to get past it, to enjoy what he could, Erwin nodded, staring straight down into the bed-sheets.

Pulling back briefly, Levi put a little more power behind his next thrust, sending a twinge of pain through Erwin’s taut lower back. He grit his teeth. He no longer found anything pleasant in the sensation of fullness. He was too full. He could hardly breath as Levi’s cock stroked into him. Repetition that he’d thought would loosen his muscles, would ease him into bliss instead forced him out of it, further from his body as he tried to reconcile the burn he felt with how badly he wanted to enjoy this. But, as Levi thrust, managing to push a little deeper, his body continued to protest. It disobeyed him, flaunting its willfulness as he burned, and clenched, and swallowed dry while his teeth ground. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

“I’m sorry.”

Levi had already stopped moving before Erwin said the words, but hearing them echo in his own ears, they felt like betrayal and failure.

“I- I’m sorry,” Erwin continued, his face pressed into the mattress, hiding the way his eyes watered while his shoulders bunched up high, “I-. I don’t know. I thought. I don’t-” The words didn’t even make sense anymore in his mind. How could he possibly say what he meant when he didn’t even know how he’d managed to fail so badly? “I’m sorry,” he repeated, not able to will any more meaning into it with the way his heart was still beating wildly, erratic as he hiccuped, face heating with shame as his eyes screwed shut. “I’ve never- I just-”

“Hey.” The soft sound Levi made interrupted the circling thoughts, cutting through the noise of his brain as Levi eased from him. Levi leaned forward, draping warm weight over his back until a sharp chin rested on the ridge of his spine.

“Erwin. Hey.” Levi’s hands stroked, moving from his thighs up his sides and back down, easing some of the tension from their hard lines as they went. “It’s fine. You’re fine,” he whispered, the words warm and soothing against Erwin’s skin. Slowly, the panic ebbed. Its bonds loosened, rubbed steadily away, brushed from him by long pale fingers that traveled a predictable rhythm over him as Levi murmured into his back.

When most of it had fled his body, Erwin felt Levi’s arms encircle his waist, holding tight. Melding them together, blurring their lines, Levi’s embrace supported them both.

Levi eased them down to the bed, and climbed over Erwin until they lay facing one another. He’d shifted up so that their faces were at the same level, and Erwin felt a new wave of disappointment when he read worry in the lines between tight brows. He frowned, ready to look away, ready to flee the concern he read on Levi’s face until his lover’s head shook. Fingers, pale and small, reached up between them. They moved haltingly, brushing the bangs back from Erwin’s forehead, pausing before stroking down his cheek.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What?” Erwin wished he could say more, but the creak in his voice silenced him.

“That you… hadn’t done this before? Right?”

Erwin nodded.

He didn’t trust himself to speak.

But he didn’t need to.

Levi said nothing. Neither of them needed to. Instead, strong arms wrapped around his shoulders. They both moved, closing the space between them. With a breath filled with relief, Erwin let his head fall. He let it rest- on Levi’s arm, as his eyes closed and Levi’s body pressed against his.

Levi held him, fingers brushing into his hair and stroking his neck, their foreheads touching, exhales becoming inhales as Erwin unwound. He breathed deep, needing the closeness Levi offered, wrapping his arms around Levi’s waist, his grip tightening until he felt sure that Levi would protest.

But Levi did not.

Instead, he returned the gesture, squeezing Erwin’s shoulder and running his hand over Erwin’s neck and up into his hair. Levi’s presence, his touch, the silk and mercy of skin on skin lengthened Erwin’s breathing and slowly loosened his death grip on his lover. The disappointment faded from him, overwrought nerves soothed and healed.

When his eyes opened Levi was still there, grey eyes still open and clear.

“I should have gone slower,” Levi said. “It’s never easy the first time.”

“No! I should have told you,” Erwin stammered in a rush, hasty to add, “I shou-”

Levi’s kiss cut him off, banishing Erwin’s doubt. Their lips moved together as Erwin’s eyes closed and he let his mouth feel out the shape of Levi’s. Tender and measured, they took their time. Letting the brush of their lips draw each other’s shape, they paused.

Deepening the act slowly, the flick of Erwin’s tongue opened Levi’s mouth as they held each other close. Levi tasted of musk and something earthy and comforting, his tongue stroking lazy against Erwin’s. Holding Levi, fitting their bodies together as lips melded them further, Erwin imagined Levi’s heartbeat filling his chest, pumping his blood back to life. As lips and tongues moved, tracing shapes, luxuriating and trading swipes, Erwin’s hands wandered. His body warmed, the brush of skin like oxygen filling his lungs, coaxing a glow from embers. Stroking and sliding, his hands left Levi’s waist. They traveled up, feeling the ridge and dip of muscles and spine. They found their halting way to favorite places, one resting on Levi’s neck, the prickle of the close-shaved undercut lighting his fingers in shivering points. The other edged down, following the ridge of Levi’s hip to trace the pert curve of his ass and cup his buttocks where it met his thigh.

When Levi pulled away he didn’t go far, their faces separating naturally to look at one another. Wrapped up in Levi’s arms, holding and being held, Erwin felt a part of himself returning.

“I liked the toy, Levi,” he began, watching the corner of Levi’s mouth curl up as the worry eased from his brow. “And your mouth. I liked… that was incredible.” Erwin felt his ass clench pleasantly as the memory sent a renewed thrill through him.

“And I…” Erwin wasn’t sure how to continue. The gamut of emotions that he’d already run left his body heavy and his mind cloudy. His thoughts had given way to instinct, the comfort of being held, the gratitude he felt for Levi’s understanding, the relief that he somehow hadn’t ruined everything. As he gazed at his lover, appreciating the shadows straight bangs cast over his pale features, the tingles of arousal started back up, bidden to the forefront by thoughts of their foreplay. But mostly, he was exhausted. Though he wanted to go on, Erwin had to admit it: above all else, he was tired.

“It’s okay,” Levi murmured. Leaning in, Levi’s nose brushed his and their lips touched. Erwin moved weakly, pliant to Levi’s kiss as he enjoyed the softness of lips skimming over him. Letting his arms relax, one draped lazily and held up only by Levi’s body, the other pressed down into the bed under its familiar weight. As Levi’s tongue slipped back into his mouth, gently probing and stroking, Erwin let his body quiet. He let himself savor Levi’s skin, the small sounds where their mouths met, Levi’s hair brushing his face, Levi’s scent, and weight, and warmth.

When Levi’s hand slid between them, fingers spreading over his chest and tracing over his nipple, Erwin sighed against his lover’s mouth. The hand continued moving down, drawing lazy whorls through the hair dusting his chest and spreading out flat, the simple joy of contact fanning out even further than the tips of Levi’s fingers could reach. He licked into Levi’s mouth, claiming some of the kiss as the motion of Levi’s hand grew more insistent, as he felt its grip on his muscles tighten while it traveled. He pressed into it, seeking its presence. Hovering lower, passing his navel to rub over his hips and closer to his groin, his cock twitched to life as its journey continued.

Fingers curling around his half-hard cock, Erwin’s hips rose to meet the touch. Levi’s sure hand stroked him hard more slowly than Erwin had ever been able to manage on his own, despite the pleading noises he found bubbling up from his throat. Unable to hold anything back, beyond the point of caring, he tried to press their kisses deeper and clutch Levi closer, his hand groping in vain at the firm flesh of Levi’s ass. Still, Levi held himself far enough away to make the slow motion of his hand on Erwin’s cock the only place that stoked the embers to fire between them. It was irresistible, and Erwin’s hips shuddered. Each pass of Levi’s hand cradling his cock drew breath from his lungs, thumb pressing lightly below the head, pressure applied evenly as it moved down to his base and tightened before sliding back up to brush over the precum-slicked head. Neglected for far too long in their earlier play, each stroke more delicious than the last, the stokes occupied more and more space in his senses.

“Levi,” he moaned.

“Hmmmm,” Levi responded without breaking the fluid movements of his hand on Erwin’s cock. It ached under his touch, a reminder of what they hadn’t finished.

“Levi, I really did want to…,” speaking was difficult when the pleasurable hum in his body was so distracting, “Can we try again?”

Pausing, grip faltering for a moment, Levi’s eyes avoided his. “I don’t know. It might be too much. We don’t have to.”

Erwin shook his head. “I want to. I’ll tell you if it hurts this time.”

“You will?” Lips pursed for a moment, Levi looked at him. Erwin could feel the seriousness is his gaze, the shadow of unspoken worry behind it. He’d never seen Levi this way: protective, uncertain. It made him even more certain this was something he wanted.

“Yes.”

Levi’s eyes stayed on him, flicking over his face in a careful assessment. All Erwin could do was look back, give a tired smile, and hope that Levi would be satisfied with his sincerity, with his obvious desire. A sudden squeeze on the head of his cock made his mouth fall open as Levi gave what passed for a grin. “Alright.”

Gently shrugging Erwin off, Levi sat up and felt around the bed, locating the lubricant they’d tossed aside while Erwin rolled onto his back.

With two pillows under his hips, Erwin watched, anticipating what was to come as Levi knelt between his open legs. He braced himself, not sure what to expect, but even though Levi leaned over, nothing came. He sighed as Levi’s fingers wrapped around his cock instead, and smiled at the sight, enjoying the view of Levi’s physique in the light. And still nothing came. As Levi leaned, back bending until he could reach to place fluttered kisses on Erwin’s chest, he felt the head of Levi’s cock budge between the cheeks of his ass. It pushed, gentle pressure applied, while Levi’s hand worked over his hard length and lips outlined the top of his ribs.

The moment when it pressed into him was blurred as Levi’s other hand found his hip and massaged the tension accompanying the intrusion from him. This time it didn’t feel so strange, so foreign, as his tired body gave way. Levi’s tongue darted over his nipple, circling before sucking it into his mouth in a wet kiss. His back arched feebly, the tugging pleasure taking all of his attention. Pushing deeper, Erwin felt a twinge of tightness, a pang in his lower back that tensed in his hips. Sensing his discomfort, Levi stopped, renewing the loose up and down motion of his hand over Erwin’s leaking cock. Another twinge traveled through Erwin’s belly from a different source- Levi’s teeth as he nipped and licked next to the sensitive nipple, sucking a kiss into Erwin’s muscle.

Erwin had time to grow accustomed to the stretch in his ass, the other stimulation providing the pleasure and distraction he needed to enjoy it. His heart-rate was dictated only by the things he could see: Levi’s mouth trailing kisses over his body, the steady motion of Levi’s hand up and down his swollen cock, the dark hair dipping down and swaying over him. Following an easy push of Levi’s hips, he felt Levi’s cock push deeper, filling him further. Before it became too much, Levi pulled back, starting a predictable, shallow rhythm. It still felt tight, and too full, but as Levi sat up and added more lube, Erwin found himself beginning to enjoy things about it as well. Levi’s thrusts were not deep or quick, instead they dragged lazily in and out of him, stretching at tugging at his entrance as the ridge at the head of Levi’s cock moved in and out. The angle of his hips on the pillow allowing it to press forward, and as he angled his hips up further he felt it pass over the spot the toy had teased earlier, his breath hitching with its satisfying rub.

The controlled motion paired with Levi’s hand still loosely gripping his cock, its occasional tug, and the look of avid desire in Levi’s normally-flat eyes changed the hum of pleasure in Erwin’s body to a buzz. The feeling grew, each time Levi’s palm smoothed a sheen of precum down his length adding to the pleasure. Levi’s slow thrusts intensified the feeling in his cock, the drag in his ass much better with its repeated enjoyable pressure. It wasn’t what he’d expected, the buildup much slower and more subtle than he’d thought as his body responded to Levi’s cock pulling back until it almost left him, then stretching him anew as it pushed back in a controlled stroke, filling him as it found and passed his prostate before starting the cycle over. Even so, Erwin’s chest rose and fell with Levi’s thrusts, his groin growing hot and tight as arousal beat steady through his veins.

He wished Levi would press deeper. He wanted to give Levi so much more, to give him everything. He wanted to take all of Levi, however he saw fit to give. But that could be for another time. Erwin let those concerns go and focused on his lover instead. Gorgeous, strong, the way he stared down at Erwin, adoration and tenderness written in his features made it difficult to hold onto reason even as he told himself to let go.

Unable to hold on any longer, Erwin succumbed to the even stroke of Levi’s hand on his cock, to the tightness increasing with each press of Levi’s cock. His muscles tensed, clenching on the hardness inside him, making Levi feel even larger, even deeper, as he came. The knot that had built slowly released in a rush, sending shivers through him as he gasped for breath and twitched. Levi continued stroking, continued his steady thrusts that added to the overdue ecstasy, the fullness more than satisfying as it pressed everything from him in weakening jolts and spurts. When the sensation turned to an ache that was too much to bear, Levi eased out, his hand going limp on Erwin’s cock as he leaned forward, one hand stroking Erwin’s damp hair from his face. Letting his weight settle on Erwin’s abdomen and chest, Levi laid his head over Erwin’s heart, letting them both rest as Erwin’s body quieted as his cum cooled between them.

Time lost meaning as their bodies matched rhythms, counted only by blinks and beats, until Levi stirred and sat up on his knees, turning away. With what little remained of his energy, Erwin caught his arm, pulling him back as he murmured, “Where are you going?”

“To shower.”

“You didn’t finish.” Erwin looked meaningfully in the direction of Levi’s crotch. Somehow, he was still hard, his flush-reddened erection curving up and glistening with lube. Its noticeable heaviness making Erwin wince in sympathy.

“Yeah, well, I was going to take care of that too,” Levi admitted.

“Go ahead.”

Levi looked at him. He lifted one thin eyebrow. “You want me to… jack off?”

Erwin nodded.

“Here?”

“On me,” Erwin clarified.

Rearing back for a moment, Levi paused and blinked before resuming his position between Erwin’s legs. “I can’t believe this,” he muttered, looking down, eyes hidden by bangs that fell over his down-turned face as he started stroking himself. In a flash of uncertainty his hand paused, looking up at Erwin. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Levi sighed, but the way he bit his lip and stared when Erwin stretched leisurely below him, eyes burning into Erwin’s skin, betrayed his interest. That same interest was reflected in the way he touched himself, long quick strokes while his hand squeezed on the reddened length of his cock. It was naked and open- probably the way he touched himself when he was alone, ignoring finesse in favor of pleasure. It didn’t take long before his head dropped down, his shoulders rising as his chest heaved quick breaths. He leaned forward, supporting himself with one hand on the mattress. His strokes grew more desperate, and Erwin savored the sight as Levi bit his lip hard, a husky groan coming from his open mouth. Erwin could almost feel the heat from Levi’s over-tightened body, the way his patience unraveled and snapped, need rolling off him in a wave as the hand on his cock stuttered. With a final chocked-out breath, Levi came, throwing his head back, the sound of Erwin’s name grinding from his lover’s tense throat. Levi’s cum spattered onto his stomach, its scent and warmth satisfying in a deeply primal way.

He stretched beneath his lover. Feeling sated and pleased, sleep tugging at him now that there was little to keep him from it. In the hazy afterglow, he was dimly aware of insisting that Levi not disappear and the grumbles of disagreement it prompted. The protests were weak. Soon he felt the thorough swipe of a warm towel on his stomach, cleaning the stickiness from him, before Levi curled up next to him, pulling the sheets and blankets over them both as they drifted into a deep sleep, content in each other’s arms.

Chapter Text

As Levi’s presence in his apartment became more natural, Erwin settled into enjoying the little reminders of his lover’s nearness. Especially the mornings- a hurried scramble to turn the alarm off on his phone before it woke Levi up, failing half the time as Levi grumbled and pulled the pillow from his side of the bed, jamming it over his face to hide from the light.

But some mornings Erwin was incredibly lucky, like this one. He woke before his alarm, opening his eyes in the dim bedroom, never truly dark with the faint orange and white city glow that snuck under the edges of his curtains from outside. The morning was still quiet, the hum of traffic and noises of other buildings distant from the warm haven of his bedroom- chased away by the soft sounds of Levi’s even breaths. Erwin fumbled for his phone, turning the alarm off before it sounded, placing it face-down on the mattress while he rolled over to gaze at his companion.

The lines of Levi’s face were softened by shadow, his angles and contrast not so sharp in sleep. His breaths were even but light, and Erwin tried to keep as still as possible, knowing all too well how easy it was to disturb Levi from his light slumber. He wondered at it all- Levi fit so perfectly into his life, made him feel at ease in a way he could hardly remember. Gazing at Levi’s features, he tried to commit them to memory. This moment wouldn’t last forever; he’d have to leave the warmth of his bed and head off to work soon enough, and he wanted to carry it with him. The relaxed expression Levi wore made him look young, the usual tired creases around his eyes smoothed. Erwin watched as Levi’s eyelids twitched, thin skin twitching as his eyes underneath telegraphed the movements of a dream that Erwin would never see. As he stared, entranced by the softness of Levi’s limp hand on the pillow near his face, fingers curled, he hoped the dream was a good one.

In fact, Erwin thought, he wanted all of Levi’s dreams to be pleasant, all of his worries to ease. A wave of protective sentiment rose in Erwin, prompted by the vulnerability before him. He’d brought Levi here, had become used to his presence.

He would not take it for granted.

With his silent resolve set, Erwin rose to greet the day. Before dressing he slipped on the ring Levi had given him, its silky texture yet another reminder of just how lucky he was. Treading lightly from the bedroom, he eased the door shut and silently wished Levi a good rest, indulging in blowing him a kiss that he knew he’d never get away with if the other man was awake.

This morning Erwin took his time, taking care with his daily shaving routine, washing his face  and combing his hair in the bathroom mirror. He moved into the kitchen as quietly as he could, avoiding the few floorboards that always squeaked. Though there was still plenty of winter left, the gradual lengthening of the days meant that the sun finally lightened the sky just as Erwin was partway through his morning coffee. He sat at his small table for once, only half-dressed, blowing on the steaming cup and looking out the large living-room windows as the sky turned. There were clouds this morning, a velvety ceiling pressing down, holding the dull glow of lights as a ruddy orange. Though buildings blocked the sun’s light, he could see the bulge and ripple of cloud above them gradually changing color. From muddy to peach the dawn lightened scythe low-hanging clouds, their undersides turning shades of crimson and burning like fire, lit from below. The colors spread, until the rays of the sun grew stronger, driving waves of red over the sky in their wake.

Erwin paused, considering the striking scene, sipping the last of his coffee.

“Red sky at night, sailors’ delight. Red sky at morning,” he murmured, getting up from the table to rinse his cup and finish dressing.

As he left the apartment, he caught a final glimpse of the sky, mostly light now, as the hints of ruby faded to embers. Unbidden the rhyme came back to him, finishing silently in his mind as he closed the door.

Sailors take warning.

Work  pulled Erwin this way and that as he rushed between meetings for most of the morning. Skipping his usual walk, Erwin vowed to make it up at the gym as he was pulled into yet another impromptu brainstorming session in another windowless conference room. It made him irritable, skipping what little time he had to be outside and knowing he’d miss any daylight, but he pushed the needling annoyance away. It couldn’t be helped, sometimes work came first.

That’s what he had to remind himself as the afternoon dragged on and he realized he’d be staying much later than he thought. A deadline for a presentation to the executives was approaching, and even though Erwin swore he’d been working on it for weeks there was still too much to do before their dry run the next day. He sent Levi a quick text between cups of much-needed coffee, letting him know.

I’m very busy today, won’t be home until late.

Sorry for missing you tonight.

He knew Levi would read it when he woke up, and sure enough he read Levi’s reply an hour later, its familiar curtness making him shake his head for a moment. It was amazing how a simple OK would have made him worry and over-analyze just a few months before while now it was reassuring. Even if he missed Levi, he knew he’d see his lover again in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe, if he was very lucky, Erwin thought, he’d wake up and be able to enjoy it before drifting back asleep.

The thought made Erwin smile, it was something to look forward to even if it was still only a distant possibility. He’d have to get through this first, he thought. Staring at his computer, he pulled up the presentation and set to work with renewed vigor.

Groggily, Erwin rose from the depths of sleep later that night. He shifted, rolling onto his side and trying to get into a more comfortable position- one that would lull him back quickly. But he couldn’t settle. The bed was too hot, or too cold, he’d been dragged from a dream and even though bits of it still clung to him he couldn’t recapture their essence. Something felt strange.

Something felt wrong.

He reached out, feeling around Levi’s side of the bed groggily for a hand or a shoulder. As his fingers met nothing but sheets and blanket, cool no matter how far he reached, he realized it. He was alone. Erwin sat up, rubbing at his face, pawing over eyes puffy from sleep until he got his bearings. Levi hadn’t come home yet. He fumbled for his phone, turning it over and reading the time. Pausing, he stared at it. It couldn’t possibly be correct. The numbers he read indicated that it was much later than he’d thought.

It was much later than when Levi normally came home.

A rush gripped him, squeezing his lungs and making him frantic. Feeling the mattress next to him he confirmed it again: Levi was not there. He pulled back the covers, baring the sheets. In vain, he looked frantically around the room, heart racing as the panic increased. Stumbling out of the bed and taking half the blankets with him, he crossed the room and turned on the light. It was empty.

Forcing himself to take a shuddering breath, Erwin leaned on the door-frame, collecting his thoughts. It was only once his heart quit thumping in his ears then that he noticed something else: the faint sound of water. The shower was running. Erwin relaxed somewhat. Levi was home.

He left the bedroom, fully awake after the bout of panic, and eager to see Levi’s face after such a long day. If he was lucky Levi might let him slip into the shower, and if he was very lucky, well it would be more than worth waking up in the middle of the night for.

Erwin tried the knob on the bathroom door, finding it unlocked he opened it, calling, “Levi,” as he stepped in.

He stopped short. The panic that had ebbed came rolling back, its wrongness amplified, hitting him in a wave of heated air. The mirror was fogged and dripping, the walls and ceiling of the small room glistened. Slick and stifling, fat beads of moisture clung to their surfaces, turning the bathroom into a steam room. The water had been on a very long time.

“Levi?” He called again, having difficulty making out the other man’s figure in the thick air.

There was no answer.

In fact, Erwin realized, there had been no answer the first time either.

Crossing the small room, Erwin pulled back the shower curtain-

Red. Pink.

Flashes of fire under the clouds.

Painful swaths of red smeared across white tiles. Their edges blurred and dripping, making long thin tracks across the expanse of ceramic, pulled down the walls and into the tub. Its rim was spattered and stained crimson, feathers of faded, seeping color soaked into the grout.

So much blood.

And on the floor of the tub, something Erwin dreaded more than anything else.

Levi lay at the bottom of the tub on his side. His legs pulled partway to his chest, the one folded under his body while the other crooked only a little, a long gash from thigh to knee whose flayed edges wept under the relentless hot water.

“Levi!” Erwin cried, the red on pale repeated on the wall, repeated on the tub, repeated on Levi’s body. His startled exclamation reverberated  loud in the room, echoing his fear to a fever pitch. There was no answer, and Erwin forced himself to take in the rest of the scene.

The pale curve of Levi’s hip was already purpling, angry red blotches surrounding the bruises that led up his side- wrapping around his abdomen and chest like the fingers of a monstrously large hand. One of Levi’s hands was curled closed, the other limp as it draped over a bent knee. The skin on the pads of Levi’s fingers was bunched, wrinkled and swollen by the water beating down relentlessly. Reaching a tentative hand out to touch Levi, Erwin yanked it back as soon as water hit it.

It was scalding.

He turned the shower to cool, swearing and panting. The room felt tiny, close and breathless, barely large enough to hold this scene. Far too small to contain his fear when all he could see was Levi.

Levi, lying at the bottom of the tub.

Levi, bleeding.

Levi, hurt, or worse.

Erwin reached down, deliberately ignoring the thin stream of blood leading to the drain. Holding the back of his hand in front of Levi’s mouth and nose, he prayed.

The wisps of air that came from Levi’s nose were faint, but they were there. Erwin felt his heart unclench, and breathed the first real breath of the night.

Levi was alive.

He eased a leg over the tub’s ledge, placing one foot carefully in the only unoccupied area he could find without disturbing Levi. “Levi, I’m going to lift you.” He didn’t expect an answer and none came, but it felt better to talk through it, even if its only benefit came from the side effects of forcing himself to speak calmly. Leaning down, he searched for the best way to maneuver Levi and settled on sliding an arm under the man’s shoulders, easing him into an almost-sitting position. About to place his other hand on Levi’s side to get a better grip, Erwin faltered, searching for somewhere to put his hand that didn’t press on the dark bruises. “Shit. How did you? Nevermind. I’ll figure it out,” Erwin muttered.

Finally settling on heaving Levi up by the armpits, he groaned at the dead weight, willing Levi off the ceramic tub bottom. A pained whine came from Levi and Erwin’s hands jostled at the sound, grip faltering as Levi almost slipped back down. Startled, he panted as he looked down at Levi’s face. But Levi had not woken up, and his head lolled forward, unsupported as Erwin did his best to get him upright while he clambered into the tub. Lifting the arm on Levi’s good side over his shoulder and supporting the man’s back, he finally got a better hold. He inched forward, trying to get Levi under the cool water, hoping it might snap him out of his unconsciousness, or at least make him more comfortable. When he thought Levi had been doused enough, he turned the water off and eyed the tub’s ledge suspiciously. It was higher than he remembered, and he’d be getting no help from his companion.

Wondering if it’d be better to lift Levi bridal style, Erwin pondered the ledge with surprising clarity. No longer panicking, his thoughts had calmed. Now was the time for action, and he needed to do it correctly- for Levi’s sake. The benefits of the easier lift were outweighed by his fear of harming Levi further, and in the end he grunted Levi’s limp form over the tub, again hoisting him up by the armpits. Resuming the earlier method of half-carrying half-dragging him outside the tub, Erwin bent down to duck under Levi’s arm and did his best to avoid bumping his leg. “You can do this,” he urged, repeating the words as they left the bathroom. “Just a little further.” The bedroom was close, his rational mind knew that. Still, their progress felt painfully slow.  Each time he jostled Levi’s leg small, pained noise that escaped the man, dropping like lead into Erwin’s heart.

“You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.” The weight of each step was magnified, their plodding pace slow as they entered the bedroom. “You’ll be fine-” Erwin’s voice cracked, a pressure he hadn’t noticed on his throat making it hard to continue the mantra. But he did. He had to. “You’ll be fine.” The bed got closer. “You’ll be fine.” The words began to lose their meaning, instead serving as a way to meter his breaths. “You’ll be fine.” Levi’s foot caught on something, his leg, the floor, the bed’s edge- it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the whine that made Erwin bite the inside of his mouth bloody. “You’ll be fine.” If only he believed it. But he had to. There was nothing else he could do.

He stared down the bed, assessing the final challenge. It wasn’t possible to lift Levi that high without involving his leg somehow. He shifted Levi’s weight, changing his grip a little before the final effort. As gently as he could, he scooped Levi’s legs up, placing him on the bed. Seeing Levi’s head resting on the pillow, even if it drooped more to the side than he was strictly comfortable with, made him feel better. The hardest part was over. He didn’t need to hurt Levi anymore.

In a minute Erwin had retrieved towels from the hall closet and slid them under Levi’s body, taking special care to shift him as little as possible. When he rolled Levi over to slide the last towel under him, the unpleasant moans had ceased. It was a good sign, if anything could be called that. What first-aid supplies he had, Erwin used. Placing gauze over the oozing wound on Levi’s leg, he applied a steady pressure, letting his heartbeat count out the seconds. There was less blood now, with Levi clean and out of the shower, but the wounds still looked large and ugly. He couldn’t cover the gash on Levi’s leg entirely, even using two hands.

Trying his best to keep pressure on the wound, Erwin wrapped it carefully in bandages to keep the gauze in place. As he worked he worried. He was doing his best, but his supplies and knowledge were limited. He should call an ambulance. He should get Levi to the hospital, this was a lot more than he could handle.

He frowned, looking down at Levi. His breathing was shallow, chest barely moving as air passed from his slightly-parted lips. They were flushed, the only part of him left with any color from the steam and hot water of the shower. His skin was pale, like all the blood in his body had already left- spattered over the tile and ceramic of the bathroom wall and tub. Too pale, paper-thin, fragile in a way that Levi wasn’t. Instead, it reminded him of someone else. Damp black bangs plastered to Levi’s forehead, dark lashes on his closed eyes- and skin so pale from the loss of blood. Erwin stared.

For a moment, he couldn’t help but think of Marie.

Erwin shook his head, chasing the unwanted thoughts away. Levi needed his help. He needed to get them to a hospital.

He needed…

He should…

But thoughts of the hospital brought a paralyzing wave of memories back.

The beep of monitors, a sound he’d heard even in his sleep for months, counting each waning second of life. Transparent tubes and their soft whoosh of recycled air, the flat meaningless baby blue and white of uncomfortable hospital linens. The sterile smell of disinfectant laid over something more insidious, something you only noticed when you’d spent far too long staring at the featureless drop ceiling and praying to whatever gods or holy spirits would listen. Erwin had prayed and pleaded and begged and bartered, but in the end it had meant nothing. The doctors could do nothing but string her along, postponing the inevitable until it became too painful to confront.

Erwin shuddered, the memories too hard to stave off as he stared at Levi lying on his bed, leg partway bandaged, forehead lined with silent pain. He didn’t want that for Levi, didn’t want that for himself- not again. With shaking fingers, Erwin picked the bandages back up and forced himself to complete his task. He wrapped Levi’s leg carefully, rolling the bandage out and covering pale skin until it was replaced with white. The repetitive motion allowed him to gain some control, to push the irrational thoughts to the side.

This was not Marie.

This was Levi.

And they were not the same.

He had failed Marie, but Levi was the one who needed him now. This time he would not fail. Erwin made up his mind; he’d call the emergency number. He finished bandaging Levi’s leg and stood, searching for his phone. He flicked it on, thumb hovering over the numbers, hesitation gripping him. The fight with the incubus and its aftermath came bubbling up to the front of his mind. Levi had been so adamant about not going to a doctor after fighting the monster. He remembered Levi insisting that he healed quickly.

Still this was- a lot. And he couldn’t let doubt sway him.

He swiped at the phone screen again, talking quietly to himself for some reassurance, “I can’t handle this. I’m calling an ambulance. You’ll be fine.” The last words he directed at Levi, shooting a glance at the man’s face.

His face. Levi’s eyes were open. Halfway, but open. Erwin dropped the phone, rushing to Levi’s side.

“You’re awake! How are you? What happened? What can-”

“No.” Levi’s voice was small and hoarse.

“No, what?”

“No doctor. ‘m fine. You said so yourself.”

Erwin gaped. “What are you talking about? Your leg’s cut half open! I found you passed out in the tub! Bleeding!”

“…fine,” Levi mumbled.

Erwin stared, dumbfounded. He didn’t want to go to the hospital either, but he’d never expected Levi to wake up and flat-out refuse. There was relief, but also worry, indecision clenching his gut. He’d already decided to do whatever he could to help Levi. The hospital was certainly the wisest choice, but… if Levi didn’t want…

“ ‘m fine,” Levi repeated, his head rolling to the side to look at Erwin. “Thirsty,” he added, and Erwin immediately felt guilty, noticing how tight and chapped Levi’s lips looked for the first time.

“Of course,” Erwin responded, his mind and body floating further from each other as he left the room to retrieve water. In a daze he walked to the kitchen, getting out a cup and filling it. Levi’s words were strange, but it was the same thing he’d insisted previously, and that made Erwin consider them. When he arrived back in the bedroom he offered the water to Levi, and helped support the cup as Levi drank. Watching Levi swallow, his grip on the cup getting firmer as he drained the glass, Erwin let go of some of the urgency to his fears. If Levi did not want to go to the hospital, they would not go.

The thought immediately made something in Erwin ease, and he felt a twinge of guilt over that too.

“Do you want any more water?”

Levi had finished the glass, but he’d spent a long time in the steamy bathroom. His head rolled heavily on the pillow as he shook it. Still, Erwin fussed over him, anxious to shift him into the most comfortable position, easing a pillow under his leg and maneuvering him into the center of the bed.

“Where will you sleep?” Levi asked, his reactions slow as he did what little he could to help Erwin move him.

“I’ll fit. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.”

Once he was satisfied that Levi wouldn’t fall off the bed or move in a way that would disturb his injuries, Erwin got a chair from the kitchen, pulling it up to the side of the bed. Levi was still awake, his eyes staring up at the ceiling and occasionally sliding in Erwin’s direction, even if their focus was delayed and the movement of his head listless.

“Levi, you scared me.” Erwin admitted. “I thought-” Erwin paused, wondering how to continue. “I thought I’d lost you,” he finished, his voice growing quieter. “When I woke up and you weren’t home, that was one thing, but finding you passed out in the shower… you could have died. I have no idea what happened, I don’t know how to help more than this. I can do a little first-aid, but you’ve probably also hit your head, and those bruises…”

Erwin looked back to the shadowed marks wrapping around Levi’s torso and rib-cage. Thick, long, but each a distinct shape, like giant fingers had pressed them there. Their form was so obvious, especially after his experiences the last few months. What kind of creature would make marks like that, he had no idea, but there was little doubt in Erwin’s mind that something unnatural had left them. Something from the part of Levi’s life that he knew nothing about. Something from the part of Levi’s life that he had hoped to get them both away from. A protective feeling gripped him, closing his throat as he surveyed the damage on his lover’s body.

“Levi, I wish you would tell me how to help you.” The words were cracked, and Erwin felt a sting at the corner of his eyes. “I don’t know what to do.” He reached out, brushing his hand over Levi’s where it lay on the bed. The skin was warm, and Erwin traced callouses worn rough on Levi’s palm where thin, strong fingers met it. Those same fingers twitched in response, and spread as Erwin laced their hands together. He squeezed, holding tightly, unwilling to let go.

“I don’t know what to do,” Erwin repeated. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you…I don’t know what to do.”

Erwin looked over at Levi’s face, and saw that his eyes were closed. His head had fallen to the side and his lips were barely parted. The quiet cycle of his breathing had evened, his neck and chest moving gently with it. Levi was asleep, and Erwin gave his hand one last squeeze before he let his grip ease. He pulled the sheet and blankets up, tucking them high under Levi’s chin to keep him warm.

After a final perusal of the apartment, turning off lights and rinsing the blood-stains from the tiles in the bathroom, Erwin sank back into his chair. Leaning forward, resting his chin on his hands, he watched Levi in the dark.

For the moment, Levi was safe, and Erwin vowed to keep him that way.

That night, he did not sleep.

When morning came, Erwin was reluctant to leave Levi’s side. The sun’s rise meant he’d be late to work, but that was what sick days were for, and the executive presentation could wait. This was much more important.

Still, he did need coffee even if he was staying home, and Erwin finally pulled himself up from the chair to fix a cup. When he returned to the bedroom, steaming mug in hand, he was surprised to see Levi’s eyes open again. He looked much less groggy, the listless stare of the previous night replaced by the sharp gaze Erwin was used to.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, walking over to the bed and sitting back down.

“Better. Think I hit my head though,” Levi responded, and the familiar matter-of-fact dryness in his tone was reassuring.

“What happened?”

“Dryad.” Levi grumbled, his frown conveying more than the words meant.

Erwin gaped. “A dryad? Aren’t they supposed to be pretty naked women who live in trees?”

Levi glared at him. “Yeah, well, they live as long as the tree and they keep growing just like it, so they can get pretty fucking big.”

“Still, what reason would a dryad have to do this?”

Levi sighed. “They get mad when you try to cut down the trees around them, okay?”

“Levi, why would you do that?”

“I didn’t!” Levi insisted.

“Then why did this happen?” Erwin crossed his arms, staring Levi down. He was determined to get a straight answer this time. The force of his gaze must have worked because Levi seemed to relent.

“My… boss. Can be difficult. If he wants something, he takes it, and I’m usually the one cleaning up the mess.”

“Is that what your ‘errands’ are? You do his dirty work?”

Levi nodded.

“Levi,” Erwin said, as he felt a small amount of relief. At least Levi wasn’t seeking this himself. Though whether it was Levi’s will or someone else’s, it didn’t change the fact that he was putting himself in danger. “You don’t have to do this. It’s dangerous. You really worried me.”

Levi’s lips barely moved as he murmured his response, “I know. But you’re wrong.”

“How so?”

“I do have to do this.”

Erwin sighed. This line of questioning wasn’t likely to go much further, not when Levi was shutting down this way. He’d seen it before. When he’d tried to learn more about Levi’s job he always reached a dead end. Levi was unwilling to talk about it, and Erwin wasn’t about to force him to. That didn’t feel right either.

“Still,” Erwin tried again, using a slightly different tactic, “this is a lot to expect of any employee, even family. You could probably cut back on work a little, I’m sure your boss would understand.”

“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe.” Levi’s monotone answer wasn’t a satisfying one, but he seemed to at least be trying. When he’d finished casting about for half-excuses, they both fell quiet. Erwin knew he wouldn’t get any more information, but seeing Levi awake and alert had done wonders to ease his mind. At least he was okay- alive and awake, that was what mattered most. He sipped his coffee, mind flitting over things he might be able to do to make Levi more comfortable or speed his recovery. Half of the cup was gone when Levi spoke again.

“Why haven’t you changed yet?”

“What do you mean?”

A pale hand slipped from under the covers and waved at him. “You’re wearing sweats. You can’t go to work in those.”

“I thought I’d stay home today to take care of you.”

The hand disappeared and Levi shifted, pulling himself up a little on the pillows stacked behind him. “No way, I’m fine,” he insisted, working himself into an almost-sitting position with a wince and visible effort.

“You’re fine? Okay, how will you eat?” Erwin raised an eyebrow, sipping his coffee calmly. More and more of his worry was slipping away, driven by the characteristically dogged insistence- this was the Levi he knew well.

“Slowly,” Levi countered, folding his arms and only tensing slightly as he let out a harsh breath.

“I mean, how will you get out of bed to eat?”

“Slowly,” Levi repeated, narrowing his eyes and frowning more deeply.

Erwin suppressed the urge to roll his own eyes and threw out his last bit of ammunition. “Okay, then how will you take a shit?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Erwin,” Levi exclaimed, “that’s none of your business. I’ll be fine! I’d rather nap without you staring at me for hours and wringing your hands. Take a shower! Go to work!  Get your ass out of here before you make me worse with your ridiculous worrying!”

“Alright, alright,” Erwin relented, standing up from the chair and stretching his back. If Levi was feeling well enough to curse him out he might as well get going. The difficulty he was sure Levi would have getting around still made him drag his feet and glance furtively over to the bed as he milled around, but Levi’s stare and frown eventually chased him from the room, work clothes in hand.

By the time he’d gotten ready for work, brushed his teeth and straightened his tie, Erwin was in a more optimistic mood. Levi’s spirited anger had cleared the brooding funk from his mind, and he was starting to be amused by the whole situation. A dryad- that was just ridiculous, he’d have to poke a little fun at Levi over it once he was feeling better. Before leaving, he brought Levi three full glasses of water, a box of cereal, and a plastic tub that he’d dug from the back of a closet. “In case you need it for…you know,” Erwin explained, suppressing a wicked grin as he casually placed the things on the floor and chair next to the bed.

Levi glared, arms folded, eyes murderous.

Erwin left the room, unable to hold back a chuckle as a quiet, “Fuck you, Erwin Smith,” followed him.

Levi would be fine.

Chapter Text

After a few days the distraction of work was no longer enough. No amount of pacing by the slate-grey water’s edge and staring into the featureless sky above could fully quell the lingering worry. It was true that Levi’s wounds were healing- fast, faster than one could reasonably expect. Yet, Erwin couldn’t shake the feeling that they were still serious, that Levi was not recovering as quickly as he had from the fight with the incubus and the other injuries Erwin had gotten used to seeing come and go.

He sat on a cold, black-painted metal bench staring at the river and clutching a coffee in his gloved hand. Looking at nothing, he hoped this might be the day that Levi would be up and about when he came back from work. Through a combination of late-night internet searching and dragging out what little information Levi would offer, it became clear that the dryad had left him with the obvious leg injury and a number of broken ribs. The aftermath of the fight had been bad enough that the gashes on Levi’s leg were only beginning to close and he’d even been willing to accept Erwin’s help getting to and from the bedroom.

Levi had clearly been frustrated too, insisting that he needed to go to work when he could hardly support his own weight during infrequent trips across the apartment to the kitchen or bathroom. Though he did everything he could, Erwin didn’t like seeing Levi in this state. He could bring food and rearrange pillows. He could re-bandage wounds and assist Levi with washing and dressing, but he was still helpless in a way. Erwin couldn’t do anything.

He gripped the paper coffee cup harder, staring down at the pavement. Grey and grey and grey, the concrete, the water, the sky, all stared back at him offering nothing to lessen his worry as his thoughts bounced off their unforgiving surfaces and amplified back in echoes. His hand shook as his face grew tight. The paper cup crumpled. It yielded to the force of his fingers, folding into his fist. The plastic lid popped off as hot coffee spilled from its top and over his glove.

“Fuck,” Erwin started, dropping it. He sighed and looked down at the sodden paper and bent plastic. The stain of spilled coffee steamed in the cold air, seeping along the cracks of the pavement and fanning into dark whiskers. Standing, Erwin shook the remaining liquid from his glove and bent to retrieve what was now nothing but garbage. Worrying would do nothing.

By mid-week Levi had recovered enough to leave the apartment, and was gone before Erwin returned late on Thursday evening. It was with a mixture of sadness and relief that Erwin came home to the empty apartment, noting the simple dinner Levi had left for him as he collected his workout gear and headed to the gym. There was no reason not to go if he couldn’t spend a few precious hours with Levi, and getting back to the weights and treadmill finally did the job he’d been unable to do with lunchtime walks alone. Sweating under fluorescent lights left him exhausted, but renewed.

A quiet, average, and even slightly boring evening of beers on the couch turned a ponderous documentary about Norman architecture into a zen-like experience. It was only when his head finally hit the pillow that Erwin realized how spent he really was. His worry the past few days had left him drained, and letting it go was a relief he hadn’t known he needed. He turned onto his side, facing where Levi would be if he was still in bed, and smiled to himself.

Levi would be there later that night. Even better, he would be there when Erwin woke.

For the first time in days, Erwin slept like the dead.

Sunday began lazily- Mike had cancelled their coffee meeting with a text about needing to help Nanaba with wedding details. With no plans, Erwin had to occupy himself, and spent a half hour puttering around the apartment trying to keep quiet while Levi slept in. His morning coffee left him surprisingly energized, and Erwin made up his mind to seize what remained of the weekend and be productive. He took an early-morning run, braving the slippery streets and breathing in frozen air until his throat ached and the wind on his nose no longer chilled him. His extremities numb, the hot shower that followed took much longer than usual, and Erwin emerged pink and damp, ready to tackle his to-do list.

Groceries were taken care of by noon, he’d picked up his suits from the dry cleaner, and he’d even taken a few half-hearted swipes at polishing his leather work shoes. He was about to review the investment portfolio from his work 401(k) when the creak of the bedroom door made him look up from his laptop. Levi walked out. Erwin’s eyes lingered on the hem of one of his old race t-shirts that was more than a few sizes too large for Levi, reaching almost to mid-thigh. He moved carefully, taking more time than usual and favoring his uninjured leg, but looking less hesitant in his movements than he had the past few days. The angry gash had closed, its long trace flushed and puckered down Levi’s leg, the scar tissue already fading at its edges and giving way to smooth, unbroken skin. It had healed faster the past few days, Levi’s recovery becoming quicker as soon as he had been well enough to leave the apartment. Erwin was certain that at this rate the marks would fade to nothing before a handful more days had passed.

Erwin patted the couch next to him, closing his laptop and laying it to rest on the coffee table. “How are you? You look a lot better today.”

“Yeah,” Levi answered, sinking down onto the couch next to him and leaning into his side, “feel better too.”

Erwin’s hand came up to rest on Levi’s knee, tracing the puffed scar tissue along its side where the wound was still healing. The smaller man sat relaxed, letting Erwin’s fingers stroke, as though reassuring themselves of Levi’s presence. “I’m glad,” Erwin murmured, his hand moving slowly up along the reddened mark, closer to where the large shirt ended on Levi, coming to rest at its edge on his thigh. Erwin pondered it for a moment, Levi’s skin and the plain cotton t-shirt, how lucky it made him feel, before he turned his head, pressing a chaste kiss to Levi’s forehead. “Would you like tea?”

“Mhmm.” Levi answered, content to lean back into the couch as Erwin stood up and went to the kitchen to fix some for them both. The lid of the tin released its delightful scents- lavender and earthy in equal parts. Without asking, Erwin also began fixing toast, something he’d been surprised and amused to find that Levi loved almost as much as the black tea he planned to serve with it. He was glad to be spending this time with Levi, and he glanced into the living room, smiling when he saw Levi leaning over the back of the couch to watch him. “Toast is good too, I’ll have two slices with butter,” Levi acknowledged, and Erwin grinned.

“Anything else?” he teased. Levi’s head tilted to the side, studying him, before he shook it. When the food was ready, Erwin brought it over to the coffee table, placing a plate and two mugs down. Levi ate quickly, leaving nothing but crumbs and licking butter from his thumb. Erwin sipped his tea, the cream he’d stirred in cooling it enough to enjoy immediately. “Do you have anything in mind today, Levi?” The luxury of the question was something more to savor.

“No. Work later, but nothing now.”

“That’s good, because there is something we should do. You remember me talking about Mike and Nanaba’s wedding, right?”

“Sure.” Levi lifted his mug, closing his eyes and breathing in the steam before taking a sip.

“Well, I hope you know you’re invited. I have a plus one and I’d like you to go.”

“Oh?” Levi raised a brow, looking at Erwin over the rim of his mug. “Is it a good idea?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Just, maybe, your friends were a bit upset by me last time. The Marie thing…” trailing off, Levi’s eyes slid away. Erwin watched him, trying to gauge how much of the reaction was due to his actual words. At the dinner with his friends Levi hadn’t seemed remiss about matching Hanji during their conversations, and he doubted the concern actually lay with them.

“Is it still bothering you, Levi? Something with Marie?” He waited for an answer, trying to read the small glimpses of fleeting emotion on Levi’s stoic features.

“A little,” Levi admitted quietly, speaking into his tea. “I mean, you were going to get married. That’s what Moblit said. Your friends all seem pretty protective of you, still.”

Erwin nodded and placed a palm over Levi’s knee. This was a good time. After everything Levi had trusted him with he owed an explanation. There was no reason Marie should continue to haunt them. “You’re right. My friends have done a lot for me. Especially Mike. I- should have told you about it before you met them. I didn’t know how to begin.” Erwin’s thumb stroked the skin of Levi’s knee, running over its dark hairs and back as he pulled the words from deep inside and laid them before Levi. “I loved Marie, and her illness and death were very painful for me.”

“Illness?” Levi frowned, looking at Erwin.

“Yes. Marie … suffered. For a long time before she passed away. Her illness was awful- there was nothing I could do. The doctors tried all manner of increasingly unlikely things, and I encouraged her to do the treatments. I had no idea if they would help, but it seemed better than nothing. I don’t know if…” He paused, collecting his thoughts. The tea was warm, and another sip helped steady his words, even if it didn’t quite wet his throat. “I don’t know if they helped or hurt, but it was all I could do. When she finally died it- it was hard. Mike was there for me, the others too. I owe them a lot. Making me go to therapy, making sure I took the pills they prescribed, checking up on me after- anyway. I owe them.”

“I see,” Levi answered solemnly, grey eyes trained on his face.

“So, yes, they’re protective,” Erwin finished, his fingers stroking Levi’s skin again as he looked down from Levi’s face, a little deflated from the effort of voicing things he’d held onto for so long. It had been easier than he’d thought to say the words, and Erwin found that he was simply speaking for the sound of it as he added, “They’re likely still worried too, at least Mike. He didn’t make me his best man because he wasn’t sure I could handle it, so I know he’s still wary.”

“Who’s his best man, then?”

The question caught Erwin’s attention. “Moblit.”

Levi snorted, and Erwin felt himself relax, the seriousness of their conversations lightening when he noticed the amused quirk to Levi’s lips as the smaller man shook his head in mock disbelief. Squeezing Levi’s knee, the last of the tea warmed him.

“Well, anyway,” Erwin said, “I need to pick up a vest and tie today for the wedding to match the other groomsmen, and you’ll need something to wear as well.”

“I’ll just rent a suit at the place you get your vest.”

“Levi, I don’t know if it will fit. The rental place isn’t that nice.”

Levi shrugged and placed his mug down. “So what? It doesn’t have to be perfect. What else am I going to need a fucking suit for, anyway? Besides, it’s expensive.”

Erwin sighed- he’d anticipated this sticking point. They hadn’t exactly discussed it, but when Levi moved in he’d insisted on paying Erwin rent. He’d also given no hint lately that he’d ever take up Erwin’s offer of paying for classes or going back to school. Levi was a proud man, even if he owned nearly nothing, and it wasn’t in Erwin’s nature to find fault in that- in fact he admired it. What he couldn’t seem to get Levi to understand was that Erwin didn’t need the money, and if he could spend it on Levi he was more than happy to.

“You know I would buy you a suit,” he ventured, watching carefully for any reaction. “I would like to do it, if you’d let me,” he added. The slight tension in Levi’s brow was all that gave away his discomfort.

“Don’t bother,” Levi deadpanned. “I’ll rent one.”

It was easier to give in than to fight Levi, and Erwin wasn’t even sure he could win. “Alright,” was his final opinion on the matter, and he tried to keep it as neutral as possible despite his instincts to insist further. When Levi finished his tea he shifted off the couch, heading back toward the bedroom to get dressed for the day. Collecting the mugs and plate, Erwin stood, only to see that Levi had paused at the entry to the hallway, one hand resting on the wall as he looked behind. Weight carefully shifted to his good side, bare feet and pale legs uncovered, the t-shirt draped over Levi’s ass just suggestively enough to make Erwin picture its curve clearly in his mind.

“Oi, Erwin.” He blinked out of the brief daydream, meeting eyes with Levi. “Thanks for telling me that stuff. You know…” The gravity in Levi’s tone was clear as his words reached Erwin. “…if you ever want to go back to therapy, or if there’s something I can do to help… I will. You’re not alone.”

Dumbfounded, Erwin just nodded, feeling the weight of the mugs and plate in his hands as though they were filled to the brim.

Here he was, thinking that he needed to reassure Levi, that he needed to prove that Marie wasn’t going to come between them.

But the man still managed to surprise him, Erwin mused.

He’d read his lover wrong yet again- Levi’s concern hadn’t been over Erwin’s friends or even for himself. A tightness rose in Erwin’s throat and he swallowed it back down, as he forced out a creaky, “Thank you, Levi.”

He noted the way Levi’s lips turned up ever so slightly at their corners, and his own dazed expression turned to a smile to match.

Nanaba had been incredibly precise in her directions for the wedding party’s attire, Erwin found as he looked at the vests the salesman had brought out for him to try over his dress shirt. He’d worn one of his own grey suits for now, knowing the fit would be easier to gauge even if it would look different the day of in a black tuxedo. Sage green and champagne, the matching bowtie, vest, and pocket square combination was yet another detail he didn’t envy Mike and Nan sorting out. He slipped on one of the vests, buttoning it up halfway and rolling his shoulders until it sat properly. It was a bit small- noting the way the dress shirt puckered he didn’t bother even trying to do the rest of the buttons up. A larger one did the trick, and he turned, inspecting it in the mirror and catching a glimpse of Levi standing behind him, arms crossed in silent appraisal.

“How does it look?”

Levi shrugged, feigning a casual air that was spoiled only by how keenly his eyes remained on Erwin, roving over his shoulders and waist. “Fine,” was the highest praise he’d get, and Erwin considered it more than enough.

While his own experience had been quick, the task of fitting Levi proved much more complicated. Endless combinations of pants and jacket were brought out, and it even seemed too difficult to get a dress shirt that fit well, something Erwin began to feel more and more impatient over. It was true that Levi’s stature made it difficult to find clothing, but Erwin didn’t understand why it had to be this complicated. The store had no shortage of different colors and styles, yet they couldn’t manage to find anything that accommodated Levi properly- all too-long sleeves or too-tight shoulders and chest. Even pants were a chore- it seemed no one had ever considered that a shorter-than-average man could also be in possession of thigh muscles and a killer ass.

As Levi slouched in front of the mirror for what seemed like the hundredth time, his leg dragging a little after so much standing, he turned and frowned at himself. Erwin rubbed at his temples, trying to contain his frustration at the whole thing. His rental was taken care of, noted and put on hold for the dates he needed, the entire process had been a breeze with the information Nanaba had provided- and yet. Something so simple as a normal black suit for Levi to wear was proving to be nearly impossible. He knew he was getting antsy, and Erwin tried his best to contain it, but the nagging thought that they should have just gone where he normally had his own suits made and bought something there kept coming back.

“These all look like shit,” Levi grumbled. He looked at Erwin through the mirror, tired eyes showing his own discontent with how the fitting was going.

“I’m inclined to agree,” Erwin admitted. “I don’t want to say ‘I told you so’ but…”

“Shut up. I know they’re garbage. But do you have a better idea?”

Erwin slid his phone from his pocket, checking the time. They were too late today to make an appointment, but he was sure they could squeeze in near the beginning of the week if he called now. “Well, if you want something that fits, I’d suggest having it made custom.”

“And what would that cost?” Levi turned from the mirror, crossing his arms and scowling at Erwin.

“It doesn’t matter.” Trying to head off Levi’s refusal before it came, Erwin shrugged off the question.

“Sounds like too much,” Levi grumbled.

Giving in to some of the pent-up irritation with all that the salesman had already put them through rather than just admitting that they were unlikely to find anything to fit Levi in the first place, Erwin did his best to keep his tone calm. “Levi, all of my suits are custom made. I go to the same place every time. We can go there tomorrow or the next day and have you fitted for something that’s worth spending the money on.”

“I don’t know if I can pay for-”

Erwin held up a hand, silencing Levi. He’d spent long enough watching to know that Levi was just as fed-up with it as he was, and he hoped he’d save them both more agony this way. “Levi, do you know how many suits I own?”

With a raise of thin brows, Levi thought for a moment. “A bunch,” he guessed.

“Six.” The only hint at surprise was a slight twitch of his brows, but Erwin knew he hadn’t been expecting a number that high. “I also own a tuxedo and many, many dress shirts. In fact, I was planning on buying a new tuxedo for the wedding anyway since I’m pretty certain that whatever number of buttons I’ve got on the jacket is out of style by now. I’m going to make an appointment since I’ll need to be re-fitted myself. You’re more than welcome to come along.”

Levi’s hands snuck into the pockets of his ill-fitting dress pants and stayed there as he considered the offer. Hardly daring to hope, Erwin waited for a response. When Levi nodded, Erwin knew he’d somehow hit upon the right formula.

“I can probably get out of work on Tuesday. It wouldn’t be too bad to take a few more days off…”

On Tuesday evening they’d gotten off the elevated train and walked west. This part of the city was a mix of old and new. Square-windowed brick buildings of eight to twelve stories converted into apartments sat next to skyscrapers of white stone and grey glass. Not a square of grass or a single tree in sight, the claustrophobia of buildings and streets was only lessened by the open sky above. They crossed under the old train tracks, Erwin making a careful effort not to pay too much attention to their rusty, paint-peeling surface as a train rattled overhead, screeching a deafening rattle as it scraped by. It barely fit between the close construction, leaving only enough room for wooden staircases up to the platforms.

Trying to breathe life into the neighborhood during the daytime, newer, low-rise, mixed-use buildings expanding westward, eating up lots previously occupied by warehouses too decrepit for re-purposing. Their street-level was nothing but a wall of windows, one shop or service place after another. Pedestrian things, fire hydrants and post boxes, store fronts that barely caught Erwin’s eye as they walked toward their destination. It was unassuming from the outside, just another three-window space with a blue awning. A few mannequins set up in the front, blue and grey suiting in conservative styles showcased to the public. Erwin stopped in front of the door, ringing the electric bell as they waited. With a buzz and a click it opened, and the two men entered.

Inside the store was another world entirely. Bare brick walls were decorated with faded paint. Dark hardwood floors shone in the warm light. In the center of the store stood a tasteful display of colorful ties laid out over heavy, aged wood tables. He shot Levi a look of pride, holding back a chuckle when he noticed the way Levi’s eyes took in the colors and textures of the display, how he gaped at the jackets arranged along the wall to their left.

Before they had any time to stare properly, a man approached them. He was young, dressed incredibly sharply, and Erwin recognized him immediately.

“Mr. Smith! It’s been a while. Great to see you back.” The man reached out, clasping Erwin’s hand and giving it a firm shake before he looked over at Levi and nodded cordially. “And you’re bringing us more business, even better!” He shook Levi’s hand as well, undeterred by the less-than-friendly blankness of Levi’s expression.

“Thank you for accommodating us on such short notice.”

“Oh, not at all. Not at all. We understand our clients have busy schedules.” The man waved them over to the right of the small shop, indicating leather chairs as he slid behind a desk and took a seat. Erwin sat, adjusting his weight as he sank into the cushion. Levi joined them somewhat stiffly, still silent and solemn. “How can I help you today, Mr. Smith?” The man asked, leaning forward.

“I need a tuxedo for a wedding, and I think I’ll probably need to be re-measured.”

Pulling out a notebook from the desk, the man made some marks in it, jotting down the date and Erwin’s name at the top of the page. “Of course. Do you have anything specific in mind?”

“I’m thinking either notch or peak lapels. The wedding will probably be fancy, but I don’t want to look stuffy. I don’t care about the number of buttons or anything, whatever you think looks best.”

“Very good, and let me see… you were last in for a tuxedo about three years ago?” The man pulled out another notebook, this one already filled, and flipped to a page he’d already marked with a post-it. “You were also fitted for a shirt- French front and French cuffs it says here. Typical spread collar.” Erwin watched the man’s finger move along the entry. He briefly shook off the slight unease from recalling the last time he’d bought a tuxedo. The last one had never been worn for its intended purpose, but he’d still gotten occasional use out of it for the overly-formal events his workplace sometimes participated in. That wine stain he’d gotten on the shirt had never quite come out either. It was time to replace the whole thing anyway.

“Yes,” he answered, realizing that the man sitting across from him was waiting for some answer. Rallying himself, he nodded more confidently, sneaking a glance at Levi and taking heart from his steady presence. He would use this tuxedo, and he’d have Levi by his side, too. “Yes. I like the cufflinks, let’s do that again.”

The man nodded, noting everything down in neat lines with narrow writing. His gaze shifting to Levi, he took the second man in curiously. “On the phone Mr. Smith said he was coming in with a friend who needed a suit. I can only assume that’s you, Mr…?” the man paused, waiting for Levi to fill in his name.

“Lee.”

“Ah, yes. Mr. Lee. Excellent.” Erwin looked over, a little amused at the tailor’s mistake. With the slightest rise of his shoulders, Levi shrugged, narrow eyes sliding briefly over to meet Erwin’s in conspiratorial acknowledgement. “Is this suit also for a wedding, or another occasion?”

“Yeah, wedding.”

The man waited for Levi to say more, but when the silence stretched, he prompted them again. “Is there a color or style?”

“Not really…” Levi answered, casting about for more to say as he looked to Erwin again. His blank, slightly closed look might have intimidated Erwin before, but now he recognized its real purpose. This mask of coldness was a defense mechanism. When Levi didn’t know what to say he said nothing, much to the discomfort of those who didn’t know him. Feeling a small swell of pride at the thought that he could finally read his boyfriend and recognize where he was needed, Erwin made a gentle suggestion.

“Perhaps you could show us some styles while you take his measurements. If he sees them, it will be easier to decide.”

“You’re right,” the man agreed, clearly relieved “Why don’t we start with you, Mr. Smith? That way Mr. Lee will see what you’ve chosen, too.”

Re-measuring Erwin was somewhat more of a production than he was used to. The tailor brought out shirts and jackets in styles close to those he’d requested for Levi’s benefit, and instead of just taking his measurements he also pinned and adjusted the garments to give a better idea of what their final fit would be. To Erwin’s surprise and relief, his body actually hadn’t changed much, despite the long stretch he’d gone not setting foot in a gym and eating entirely out of his freezer. It had been a while since he’d had an audience for this sort of thing, and he couldn’t help but sneak glances at Levi, even winking at him through the mirror while the tailor worked. When the tailor was finished he excused himself for a moment, explaining that he’d have to go get some things from the back if he was going to properly showcase the available options for Mr. Lee’s suit.

The moment he’d left earshot, Erwin turned to Levi, trying to keep the satisfied look from his face. “What do you think?”

Levi shrugged, looking down at his boots and digging a toe into the high-shine lacquered hardwood. “I hate it. They’ve got one of those bare lightbulb signs. It says ‘bespoke’. What kind of bullshit is that?”

Shaking his head, Erwin laughed off the half-hearted insult. “Come on, Levi. I get all my suits here.”

“Not encouraging.”

“You say that now, but I guarantee that in a few weeks when we come to pick up the suits you’ll be singing a different tune. You enjoy my suits, why would yours be any different?” Erwin raised an eyebrow, amused and pleased to see Levi narrow his eyes and avert them quickly. He knew that look, it was the look of a man desperately trying not to admit he was right- a man who was probably also feeling a little warmer and more aroused than he had a second ago.

“Doesn’t matter. As long as that guy doesn’t feel me up while he’s taking measurements. I don’t know how you stand it.”

Erwin grinned and couldn’t help but feel a shiver of pleasure slide up his back, Levi’s answer had only confirmed his suspicions.

The man returned, rolling a garment rack laden with shirts, jackets, and even a few pairs of trousers. It was Levi’s turn to have his measurements taken, or Erwin’s turn to enjoy the show. He watched, relishing the small changes on Levi’s face. At first there was a hint of exasperation in the thin, tight brows, the many styles of jacket the man brought out to demonstrate the different details were overwhelming even for Erwin. But as they spoke, the tailor pointing out the number of buttons on the cuffs, the way the lapels were cut, or the different types of pockets, he saw a shift in Levi’s attention. His face was less set, even exchanging a few words with the other man. Considering each option, he tried different items on- all accompanied by expertly swift pinning jobs that made Erwin marvel at how the shop man could turn a shapeless jacket into something that complemented Levi’s body with such little effort.

Narrowing down his choices, Levi eventually settled on styles he liked and the final measurements were made. The entire suit in place and pinned to him, Erwin sucked in a shuddering breath.

“How do I look?” Levi asked, turning to face him, tearing Erwin’s eyes from his pert backside as he did.

The jacket fell perfectly on his frame- tucked and pinned close into a fitted cut. It gave his shoulders room, not constricting the muscular upper arms and lying flat over Levi’s chest while nipping in to hug his body. He looked dashing and strong, everything just so, in a way that Erwin hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t that Levi’s normal clothing was sloppy, he just chose things on his own that were plain. This was sporty, more modern than the styles that looked best on Erwin- and turned his lover’s looks from harsh to something a more polished, while the straight lines of the tailored look still kept true to the striking contrast so intertwined in Levi.

“Good,” Erwin managed, his throat tighter than he’d expected it to be, making the words feel a little rusty, “Really good,” he added under his breath.

The tailor looked between them, mild amusement passing quickly over his face as he instead urged them gently, “So, you like this?”

Levi gave a curt nod, letting the man help him from the jacket and ducking behind a curtain into the tiny changing room to extract himself from the other garments without disturbing their pins. When he emerged, black t-shirt and jeans yet again secure under his peacoat, Erwin momentarily mourned the loss of the dashing suit. At least he had something to look forward to, he mused, as Levi walked over and stood stiffly by him.

“What now?” Levi asked, pitching his tone low even as the tailor whisked away the pinned garments.

“Well, we’re done.”

“That’s all?”

Erwin nodded. “You were fitted. Now we wait. Well, we pay first, then we wait.”

“Oh,” Levi responded simply. As they waited for the shop man to reappear, Levi drifted over to the display in the center of the room. Even with the distracting interior, the impressive sports jackets, and the dapper mannequins, the table laden with artfully draped ties was eye-catching.

“You should get one,” Erwin said, coming to stand at Levi’s side and looking down at the bright array of textures and fabrics. Ties were one place in a man’s otherwise-set attire that he was allowed to make a truly bold statement, and Erwin had always appreciated them for that reason. He could easily imagine Levi choosing something sleek and simple, maybe a skinny black tie. A solid color would look good too, and Erwin could picture a muted green or grey.

“I don’t know,” Levi muttered, his eyes wandering over the bright colors and patterns, “I don’t know what to pick.”

“Anything, Levi,” Erwin urged, “Anything you like.” He watched his boyfriend reach out, a long, slim finger stroking the silk of a navy blue tie before taking the fabric between his thumb and forefinger, feeling its texture. Not wanting to crowd him, Erwin moved over to another side of the display, his gaze drawn by a shiny pair of cufflinks. They were simple but elegant, oval cabochon-cut stones highly polished and set in silver. He picked one set up, hefting them and finding their weight pleasant but not overbearing. They came in many colors, but the one that he kept coming back to was a grey stone, its face crossed by thin lines of black. Luminous, the light shifted over its surface as he put the cufflinks he was holding down and picked up the grey ones instead. They reminded him of something he’d seen, and when Erwin realized what it was he knew he had to have them.

About to show his find to Levi, he took one last look at the other pairs. A second caught his eye, a similar type of stone but much more radiant, a bright blue in color. “Levi,” he said, holding the grey cufflinks up, “what do you think of these? Would they look good on me?”

“They’re nice,” Levi shrugged, giving the highest praise Erwin was likely to hear, “Can you wear them, though? I thought you were a groomsman.”

“I don’t think they’ll mind. These grey ones won’t clash. How about this pair for you? We could match.” He indicated the blue pair, trying to keep from smiling as Levi inspected them.

“They look…”

“Familiar?” Erwin couldn’t help smiling now.

“What do you mean?” The question obvious in his voice, Levi’s eyes moved between the blue cufflinks and Erwin’s face. He picked them up, looking closer, still clearly lost.

“We’d match perfectly,” Erwin leaned over, enjoying Levi’s continued confusion.

“I don’t understand.”

Erwin hoped he had enough time to reveal his expert plan before the tailor returned. Whispering lowly into Levi’s ear, his arm wound its way around Levi’s hip, pulling him closer. “The grey ones look like your eyes, Levi. Grey and black, they remind me of you. This way- your eyes will always be on me.”

Levi snorted, squirming away. “You’re a fucking sap, Erwin,” he chided, but Erwin saw the hint of red tinting his ears, and the way his fist closed carefully over the matching blue cufflinks.

Before Erwin could proclaim his innocence from the sin of sappiness, the tailor re-appeared, looking hurried and flustered.

“I apologize, gentlemen,” he stated, “It took me longer to find hangers than I’d thought. Is there anything else you’d like?”

Erwin nodded, indicating the cufflinks he and Levi held. “We’ll take these. We’re picking a tie too,” he reminded Levi, giving him a nudge with his elbow.

“If you need any assistance-”

“This one,” Levi cut the man off, scooping a tie off the table. It was slim, wine-red silk with a hint of shine. It would look good around Levi’s neck, accenting the sculpted column, providing a softer set-piece to firm tendon and muscle. Its color would add a hint of excitement, and Erwin could easily imagine it. He could imagine more than that, in fact, with its length draped over Levi’s pale wrist as he held it aloft. Dark and luxurious against his pale skin, he could imagine it bound around those wrists, knotted fast as it held them together. Licking his lips, his thoughts turned to other ways the tie could be used, each more enticing than the last.

“Perfect.”

The tailor’s voice shook off the urge to fantasize, and Erwin cleared his throat, avoiding the meaningful look Levi shot in his direction- the mischievous quirk of thin brows unmistakable.

“Yes,” Erwin agreed hastily, hurrying over to join the tailor at the cash register, “Perfect.”

Chapter Text

The shifting comforter and the dip of the mattress woke Levi. Even though he’d come home only a few hours before, his sleep had still been light, easily disturbed by Erwin’s morning restlessness. He didn’t wake every morning that Erwin got up, but he did on most of them- pretending to be asleep as Erwin untangled his arms from around Levi’s shoulders or waist. He’d crack an eye open once Erwin had gotten out of bed, trying to move quietly in the dark, not knowing that Levi was watching him with a secret satisfaction. Levi had grown used to sleeping alone, but waking up pressed to Erwin’s side was better.

Keeping his eyes closed, basking in the warm sheets, Levi gave nothing away, breath deep and even as he waited for the chill accompanying the shift of blankets as Erwin rose. It didn’t come. The alarm hadn’t sounded its muted blips either, and it dawned on Levi that it was probably the weekend- he’d simply lost track. That made it even odder that Erwin had stopped moving next to him, he was clearly awake. Seeing no point in waiting, Levi opened his eyes.

The room was dark, the only lights from the green numbers of Erwin’s digital clock on the dresser and the orangey glow from the street seeping onto the floor under drawn blinds. The bulk of Erwin’s form lay next to him, and as Levi’s eyes adjusted he saw that his lover lay relaxed, turned towards and looking at him. When he noticed Levi’s open eyes, he smiled. Face still soft from sleep, hair askew where it had pressed against the pillow, he looked younger and more playful than usual.

When Levi reached towards him, fingers stretching lazily, Erwin caught them in his own, guiding them to his face. Placing brief kisses on each of their tips in turn, he trailed lips down to nip and lick between Levi’s fingers. Erwin’s touch was both sensual and tickling as Levi vacillated between imagining his mouth elsewhere and enjoying pleasant shivers. Unable to bear it, he pulled his hand away, instead sliding it up to lace into Erwin’s messy hair.

“ ’Morning,” Erwin said, voice crackly with disuse.

Not ready to speak yet, unwilling to break totally from sleep, Levi moved close. He tugged Erwin’s head down, guiding their lips together.

Kissing in the earliest hints of morning, using his mouth to see what his eyes missed in the dark, Levi let himself be roused slowly by his lover. The cocoon of warmth created by the blankets and Erwin’s arms wrapped him up as he moved lazily. Languid, unhurried kisses, barely open mouths, more for the comfort of contact as soft lips pressed to his and their noses brushed. His fingers lay on Erwin’s cheek, the prickle of stubble rough under them as he framed out features in the dark. The chin and jawline led them on, the complicated art of the ear’s curves taking more time to trace. Erwin’s naked body pressed to his, arms pulling him closer, fitting them front to front while their mouths lingered. Gently testing, Levi touched the tip of his tongue to Erwin’s lips, sliding it partway into his mouth as it opened.

Connected and close, he savored the yielding motion of Erwin’s mouth and tongue. There was no need to open his eyes, everything he could want to see he already perceived with his other senses- the sleep-laden musk of Erwin’s skin, the comforting weight of winter blankets, the prickle of stubble on his chin as teeth nipped his lower lip, and the firm ridge of Erwin’s cheekbones where he held their faces together. Deepening the kiss, Erwin’s knee slid between his legs, winding around to tangle them up. It felt good, moving slowly, rolling his hips, rubbing his body against the firm planes of Erwin’s and feeling the occasional rasp of hair. The growing urgency in Erwin’s touch sparked a glow of heat, awakening his body and setting his blood tingling in a way he knew would have him hard soon enough. He returned the hunger with his mouth, licking deep into Erwin’s, foregoing any need for air or space as their tongues rolled over each other.

Becoming more aware of Erwin’s hands, how they stoked up and down, squeezing the muscle of his back, thumbs pressing into his hips, he gave an experimental thrust. The answering pressure of Erwin’s abdomen against his crotch was welcome, and he rubbed himself against it, taking Erwin’s increasingly heavy breaths into his mouth and replacing them with his wandering tongue. A large hand moved down to cup his buttocks, cradling one cheek, encouraging the motion by grabbing blindly at Levi’s ass. 

Slipping his tongue from Erwin’s mouth, leaning away from his continued attempts to prolong the kiss, Levi’s voice made Erwin’s eyes open.

“I don’t want it to end,” Levi admitted.

A moment of confusion gave way as Erwin voiced it, “You mean…?”

“This. Kissing. Whatever it is.”

“It’s more than kissing.” A squeeze of Erwin’s legs and a press of his hips emphasized the point, the length of his erection forcing itself against Levi’s thigh.

“Jackass,” Levi joked, slowly extracting himself from Erwin’s tangled arms and legs, prying each finger off before he removed the covers and got out of the bed. He walked across the room, sneaking a glance back to confirm that Erwin was watching him lazily from the bed.

“What are you looking for?”

“…you’ll see…” Opening a few drawers, he easily found what he’d sought and returned to the haven of blankets and pillows, tossing the bottle of lube on the bed and draping the other item he’d retrieved over Erwin’s open palm.

“Oh,” Erwin answered, looking down at the wine-colored silk tie lain across his hand, “Your tie. What’s this for?”

Levi lay down next to Erwin, closing Erwin’s finger over the tie. “Surprise me. I said I didn’t want this to end. So, maybe… well. Be creative.”

Eyes widening even in the dark, Erwin blinked at the tie before answering, “Alright.” He turned to Levi, moving close once again, pushing their lips together, the warmth and need permeating. Levi accepted the advance, letting himself be kissed thoroughly, excitement building at the possibilities. He was glad he hadn’t told Erwin what to do with the tie. Instead the anticipation rushed headily to his groin as Erwin’s kisses grew hungrier and he pushed Levi onto his back. Erwin sucked at his tongue, then bit at his lower lip, tugging it until Levi felt the sharpness of his teeth. Levi groaned as the muscular weight of his lover settled onto his body, pinning him to the mattress. Wrapping his arms around Erwin’s back, he arched up to feel their  bodies press deliciously together.

With a deep rumbling growl, Erwin’s teeth left his lips, mouth kissing wet down his chin and pausing as Levi tilted his head back. Taking the hint, Erwin sucked at his exposed neck, biting the tendons gently, teeth pressing down just enough to make Levi’s pulse race and his hips grind up as he sought friction. Moving down to where his collar bones fanned out, Erwin found the places that made Levi’s breath hitch. Biting and licking, going over the skin until Levi’s toes curled and his fingers squeezed, his short nails dug into the muscles of Erwin’s back even as red and dark seeped up under his skin, coaxed by Erwin’s mouth. Still Erwin continued, kissing him breathless, making his neck and shoulder ache with sweet, punishing tenderness until Levi writhed beneath him, held fast by strong hands pressing down on his hip and thigh.

When Erwin’s mouth left the places it had gone over so thoroughly, Levi gasped for air, only managing a few ragged breaths before lips latched to his chest. Erwin peppered bites across it, large, straight nose brushing over him as wet licks followed. Smiling almost wickedly, Erwin’s tongue passed over one of his nipples, teasing the pert, pebbled skin and making Levi shudder. As he retreated, licking and nipping at the skin below instead, Levi silently cursed Erwin’s clever mouth. The tortuous path it took was littered with blotches of red, bruises sucked into pale skin that bloomed and grew with Levi’s hunger. With a final bite on Levi’s nipple, one that ripped a gasp from Levi’s lungs as his hips bucked, Erwin moved lower.

The kisses ceased, and instead Levi watched as the silk of the tie held in Erwin’s hand trailed over his chest and abdomen. It travelled down, cool and slick, until Erwin nudged his legs apart and then spread them fully. Biting his lip, Levi fought all his body’s urges as Erwin’s hand brushed gently against his hard cock. The silk followed, luxurious and soft against his length, until Erwin gathered up his balls and slid the tie underneath. He looped it over the base of Levi’s cock, and slid one end under the circle, pulling the knot closed. The tie tightened on him, squeezing the base of his cock and under his balls, making him feel harder and hotter and more desperate than before as Erwin finished tying the makeshift cock ring.

“Okay?” Erwin asked from between his legs, the fall of messy blond hair over his forehead sexy enough to warrant a groan from Levi.

“Yeah,” he answered, adding, “more than okay,” as Erwin’s head dipped back down and his hips lifted to meet it, the warmth of Erwin’s open mouth finding his thigh. He couldn’t help when his hands moved down, couldn’t help grasping at Erwin’s hair as the man kissed at his inner thigh, teeth resting on his wild pulse, breath warming his legs and groin as his cock twitched. It felt like being in heaven, like being worshiped, as Erwin’s hands held his waist, one sliding up his side while the other moved to cup his ass. Mouth moving, the softness and hardness of lips and teeth teased the most sensitive areas even as his cock throbbed at each bite left in firm flesh. Each mark Erwin sucked made his need greater, his fingers tensing and tugging against blond hair, the muscles in his abdomen and legs taut.

When Erwin’s mouth left him he sighed at its loss, only consoled by the closeness of Erwin’s body as he moved so that they lay facing each other. Erwin’s leg pressed between his, and Levi couldn’t help moving against his thigh, pulling Erwin’s head down until their lips met. The groans that escaped between their lips, each following the press of Levi’s hard cock into Erwin’s thigh, spurred Levi on. Knowing he wasn’t the only one affected, the only one aching, the only one panting, satisfied some primal urge as Levi’s fingers wrapped around the length of Erwin’s firm cock and stroked him slowly. Strong arms wrapped around his body, pulling him closer, closing any space left between them as they both rubbed desperately against each other. Making their own friction, relishing the roughness of hair and the press of muscle, keenly aware of the heat and hardness of each other’s erections, they thrust and moved between imperfect open kisses.

Erwin’s hand slid between their bodies, touching Levi’s as they adjusted their positions until their cocks touched. Fingers long and thick enough to wrap around both of their lengths, Erwin grasped at their cocks, squeezing them together. Searching blindly for the lube he’d brought to the bed, Levi’s other hand fumbled around the sheets until it bumped against the tube. He popped the cap open, leaning back to make room as he nodded to the bottle in his hand.

“Want some?” he asked, and Erwin nodded, his hand leaving their cocks mid-stroke as he held it out for Levi. “Be careful,” Levi muttered, “you’d better not make a mess,” he added even as he squeezed lube onto Erwin’s palm. When Erwin’s hand returned to stroking them it felt incredible, the generous portion of lube he’d used making their cocks slick where they rubbed together and slippery under Erwin’s fingers. He sighed in pleasure, forgetting any threats of mess, enjoying the heated pressure of their bodies and the sliding of his cock in Erwin’s fist. His hands wandered, joining Erwin’s to brush over their balls, sending them both into a frenzy of sloppy mis-timed thrusts as they struggled to maintain their grips on the moment.

“Fuuuuck,” Levi moaned, a particularly hard press of Erwin’s hips sliding their cocks together. He pressed his face against Erwin’s chest, swearing into his skin and hair as the pleasure mounted, the silk tied around the base of his cock and balls settling an ache into his groin as it held him back.

“You feel good,” Erwin muttered into his hair, his hand pumping them both. “Good, Levi. So hot.” Levi’s fingers grazed the head of Erwin’s cock while Erwin stroked their shafts, leaking trails of precum joining the mess of lube as it slicked wetly between them. A slight twist to Erwin’s grip made his hips stutter, a gasp escaping as Levi felt the pressure in his groin pounding with his racing blood.

“Erwin- I-,” he choked out, grabbing at whatever he could of their cocks, bumping against Erwin’s hand as they thrust against each other. Everything felt hot, the clashing textures of skin and hair and lubricant between the grip of Erwin’s large fingers more than enough to bring him to the edge. After the earlier teasing it was astonishing he’d already lasted this long. But the tie held him there, teetering, each stroke brushing over the tightness that coiled in him, reverberating through his bones. “I want to cum, Erwin,” he sighed into Erwin’s chest, mouthing weakly against it. “I want to…”

With a grunt, Erwin’s hand sped up. Rubbing the leaking head of Erwin’s cock in his palm, Levi licked at his chest, rubbing his nose into blonde hair. Rutting, hips rolling, trying to press the breath from both of them. “Ugh- Levi, I’m-” Erwin’s hand stuttered, its grip tightening, “I can’t… hold on…” With a forceful press of his hips, Erwin thrust forward, pushing hard against Levi, pinning his cock to the heaving muscles of his abdomen. A few more harsh thrusts were punctuated by meaningless words gasped from Erwin’s open mouth. And he felt Erwin coming. He felt Erwin’s body shaking against his. He felt the warmth of Erwin’s release coating their hands. “Levi, I’m- uh,” was all that Erwin managed, even as his hand kept moving, smearing Levi’s cock sticky.

“Come on-” Levi muttered, trying as best he could to continue the motion of his hips, to gain enough friction for his delayed release against the silk holding him at his limits. But Erwin’s hand left him, the sudden chill of Erwin’s body moving away making him groan his frustration. Nothing left to rub against, he reached to touch himself, only to be pushed onto his back, Erwin’s hands encircling his wrists and pinning them to the bed on either side. “Erwi-,” he moaned, struggling briefly until Erwin’s head dipped down and his breath caught on the man’s name.

The feeling of Erwin’s mouth, pressing warm to the head of his cock, sent jerks of pleasure through Levi’s limbs. Holding nothing back, Erwin licked him greedily, the wet sounds of his tongue and lips irresistible to Levi’s ears. He watched, barely able to focus, as though separated from his straining, overwrought body as the tie tortured him further. It was as though Erwin were licking someone else- someone messy and shameless, someone who couldn’t stop their legs from twitching and their hips from lifting to meet Erwin’s mouth. Unbidden, a thought flashed across his mind- they were going to ruin the tie. As distressing as the idea was, it was impossible to resist, impossible to bring himself to protest as Erwin’s lips tightened and squeezed the head of his cock. It felt too good. The pressure in his groin pulsed with his heartbeat, the ability to keep from tumbling over the edge waning even against the snug knot Erwin had tied. Finally sucking Levi’s cock halfway into his mouth, the undeniable pleasure made Levi gasp and cry out.

“Erwin! Fuck! I-”

With a slick sound, Erwin’s mouth left his cock, Levi’s back arching off the mattress.

“What do you want?” Erwin grinned, licking salty traces of his earlier release from his lips.

“I- Erwi- touch-”

“Hmmm?” The deep tones of his hum sounded in Levi’s bones, reassuring his need, giving him unspoken permission to voice his desire even as his neck heated with embarrassment.

 Levi sighed, unable to look into Erwin’s eyes as the words tumbling from him. “Touch me. I need to cum. Erwin. Touch me.”

Obliging, Erwin’s head dipped down as Levi’s cock disappeared back into his mouth. Pushing most of Levi’s length down his throat, Erwin bobbed. A telltale tug around the base of his cock, and the silk was untied.

And Levi came undone.

Shaking, crying out, as Erwin’s mouth on his oversensitive cock sent him plunging. Thighs and hands squeezing, the pressure of Erwin’s fingers on his wrists and the pleasure he felt the only thing grounding him as he came. After the wait, the rush overtook him, wresting all control from him as Erwin’s mouth consumed him.

Still licking, taking every last drop, Erwin cleaned his cock until Levi’s arms jerked, hips writhing away as the sensations grew too intense. To his relief, Erwin’s head moved, switching to lick at the mess on Levi’s twitching abdomen as his body slowly calmed. The grip on his wrists slackened, Erwin’s hands comforting where they found his hips. The length of stained red silk was pulled from between Levi’s legs, and his nose wrinkled briefly seeing it lie on the sheets. He’d wasted Erwin’s gift, treated it so poorly, but at the same time he knew wearing it later would be even more satisfying. It was alright. Erwin made it alright. His lover’s soft touch eased the worry away, fluttering kisses tracing to his navel demanding his attention. The weight of Erwin’s head was pleasant, breath warm on his skin. Slowly, Erwin eased up his body, careful not to brush against his oversensitive length where it lay. Hands followed, their lazy motions calming and tender as they passed over his chest. When Erwin had made it most of the way to Levi’s neck he stopped there, his head coming to rest on Levi’s shoulder. Both satisfied and slow, Levi let Erwin’s body be his blanket as the room barely lightened.

Heaven.

Levi would give anything to wake up this way every morning.

They shared a leisurely kiss, the flavor sweet as it flooded Levi’s brain with endorphins- the taste of being deeply sated.      

As Levi drifted back into an early-morning nap, he mused on how, maybe, he could wake up this way more often. It was worth it.

So far.

The long night ended in the wee hours when shadows vanished and the city filled with nothing but chilled fog, sweeping in from the frozen lake and settling on its haunches. Turning the night grey and greyer, sucking color from the streetlights and cars’ headlamps, it spread silent tendrils in its wake down every concrete path. Levi trudged through it, making his way back to the bar as the earliest shift workers yawned and closed their front doors. Garbage men, bakers, the unluckiest of construction workers, they were the only people Levi saw who weren’t drunk, and even their presence was as slight as a specter’s. His steps heavy, the only thing of substance left in the city, Levi winced when the toe of his boot caught on a jagged crack in the sidewalk, jostling pain through his leg.

It was a particularly shitty night. Not as shitty as the night he’d fought the dryad, to be sure, but shitty nonetheless. The same leg that had just managed to finally heal, the scars smoothing to nothing, and he’d fucked it up again. He’d twisted his ankle earlier in the night, facing a gargoyle of all things. They weren’t even all that strong- too brittle to put up much of a fight against Levi and his knife. But he’d fallen anyway, the beast’s stone turning his foot when it shattered. Something this minor wouldn’t normally slow him down, but it had been a long night, and Levi was tired.

Tonight, he was very tired.

Levi arrived at the tiny, narrow door of the bar. He blinked, the door wavering briefly as his eyebrows knit, pulling his focus onto it even as it tried to slip away. Weird, more shittiness. This should be easy as well, this fucking door he’d been through a million times before, it had no right to hide from him tonight. With a sigh, Levi pushed it open and stepped in, the electric atmosphere making the hairs on his neck itchy. This late, the place was empty- almost.

A man stood behind the bar, wiping down glasses with a rag. A dry glass clacked onto the bar’s top. A tall man, long limbs and rough features. Fingers long and worn, he picked up a second glass, large knuckles standing out from his skin as he wiped its wet sides. His face shadowed by the brim of the hat he wore, eyes concealed in the dim interior.

Levi didn’t need to see his eyes to know they were cold.

He could easily feel the chill in the man’s graveled voice as it scraped dusty through the still space.

“Took long enough, brat.” The second glass clacked onto the bar’s top. “Got through half the washing. Left the rest for ya’.” The man didn’t look up as he spoke, and Levi shuffled to the bar, slipping behind it without a sound to face the promised pile of dirty glasses as they traded places.

“Got anything to say for yourself?” The man leveled his gaze at Levi, looming over him as he folded long arms across his chest. Levi shrugged, brushing the question away.

“Answer, Levi.”

Frowning, Levi stalled. He hated it when- he fucking hated it- two could play at this game. “What do you want me to say, Kenny?”

Kenny grunted. “I want a proper answer, Levi, and that’s what I’ll fucking get. None of this shit. A ‘Yes, sir’ or a ‘No, sir’. Answer me, Levi.”

 Levi clamped his lips shut, brow furrowing as he stared at the pile of dirty dishes before him. They weren’t going to wash himself, he thought, trying to distract his mind from the question, the order, trying to fight a battle he already knew he would lose. His throat grew tight, the effort of keeping his mouth closed becoming uncomfortable as the muscles in his jaw strained.

“Job’s done.” The words escaped as Levi answered automatically, followed with a swear- he was too tired for this tonight. At least he hadn’t fucking called Kenny “Sir”. Levi wrestled the water on, wringing his anger from the faucet’s handle. Shrugging off his jacket and hanging it under the bar, he got to work.

“The job’s done, eh? Barely. Besides that…”

“Fuck off,” Levi muttered, swishing the glasses in soapy water one at a time and placing each to the side.

“Ha-” Kenny barked. “You say that now. But look at you.”

Levi frowned, staring into the soapy water, hands no longer moving. The patterns of small bubbles and foam collected around his fingers, clinging to them. The water in the dish tub was already cool. Kenny had been waiting. The words echoed as he stared into the dishwater- ‘look at you’- they felt wrong. Something was wrong.

Kenny- was wrong.

He had to be.

“Don’t play like you don’t know, Levi,” Kenny growled, picking up one of the clean glasses he’d dried earlier. He lifted it, inspecting its sides, turning it. “You’re mine. You can play, but that’s all it is.” He looked over to Levi, face splitting into a twisted grin.

“You can play.” He lifted the glass to his mouth, and spat into it, the wet glob running slowly down the side of the glass until it settled at the bottom. He held it up to the light, admiring it as Levi’s nose wrinkled in distaste.

Without warning, his arm and the glass swung down-

CLACK-

on the bar’s top.

“Drink it.”

The dirty glass sat as Kenny’s long, spidery fingers left it, the wad of spit sitting fat and disgusting at its bottom. Levi’s fingers tensed.

“Levi, drink that glass down.”

His face twisting into a mask of distaste, Levi stared at the glass, a the gob of spit in its bottom. His hand came up to reach for it, and he focused hard, willing his fingers to stop midair even as the magnetism of the command tugged on them. Knowing he could not stop it was worse than the act itself, worse even than the humiliation Kenny was forcing on him, and Levi plucked the glass up with a surge of anger boiling in his veins, swallowing its contents as quickly as possible. Immediately freed from the order, his role fulfilled, he gagged in revulsion, body shaking as he coughed into the sink.

Kenny grinned, all tobacco-stained teeth and chapped lips.

“You can play. But don’t forget. You’re mine.”

Levi stretched lazily on the couch, leaning back onto its arm to admire the lights outside Erwin’s floor-to-ceiling windows. He’d taken the night off, something he’d indulged in more often recently. It felt worth it- being home when Erwin got back without the obligation of work hanging over him. This way he could enjoy their time together, and he could always work another day to make it up- Erwin was worth it.

He yawned and stretched, still a little groggy despite having woken up around noon. The lights of the buildings outside lit the other apartments, and Levi watched with half his attention as people went about their evening routines. It was fascinating- like looking into a fishbowl and seeing a strange reflection of your alternate self, detached and completely alien yet relatable at the same time. The neighbors ate, and watched TV, and cooked, and cleaned- boring, normal things. Staring across the street, into their apartments and beyond, watching and waiting for nothing in particular, Levi heard the distant sounds of Erwin in the kitchen. It turned out that for a man who’d had next to nothing in his refrigerator when Levi had first arrived, Erwin put together a solid meal when given the chance and the ingredients. That was easy enough, and so Levi had taken to stocking the refrigerator with anything and everything he could think of. It was something to do in the times between when he woke up and when Erwin got home.

And it was much better than thinking.

In a few minutes Erwin joined him on the couch, carrying over two glasses of wine with him. He set one on the coffee table for Levi. “Up for some day drinking?”

Levi rolled his eyes, but took the glass. “It’s not day drinking if it’s past 5.”

“Isn’t this like noon for you though?”

“Well…” Levi thought about the statement for a moment, doing a quick back-calculation, “…it’s more like 11 am. But, Erwin...”

Raising a bushy blonde brow and tugging the blanket in Levi’s lap over his legs, Erwin settled next to him. “What?” He bit, eyes twinkling as he caught the smirk in Levi’s voice.

“I work at a bar.”

“So?” Eyes wide in mock disbelief, Erwin urged him on.

“So it doesn’t count, that’s what, dumb-ass,” Levi pushed at Erwin’s shoulder, making his wine slosh dangerously close to the glass’ edge. “What are we watching tonight?” he asked, picking up his own glass and taking a sip. Erwin dug under the blanket, and Levi twisted away from his grasp, thinking he must be sitting on the remote. When he caught Levi’s knees instead and slung them over his lap, drawing them both into the place where the couch sunk deeper between its cushions, Levi stifled another eye-roll and set into his wine instead. It was easy to shrug off his sluggishness in Erwin’s company.

“We can watch whatever you like. History, science, nature, you name it.”

With a shake of his head, Levi leaned over to grab the remotes off the coffee table when Erwin made no further move to, too busy rubbing Levi’s calves through his jeans. “Anything I like. Bullshit. That’s all shit you like,” he retorted, turning on the TV and beginning to flick through their options. Unperturbed, Erwin tipped back his wine glass, fingers running down Levi’s shin and finding their way up under the cuffs of his jeans, curling around his ankle. “How about this thing about British castles? That looks boring enough.” Merely smiling in response, Erwin let Levi make the choice.

It hardly mattered anyway; Levi could tell that Erwin really just wanted to relax, and it wasn’t exactly something he was opposed to either. Watching boring TV, enjoying the gentle pace of the narrator’s accent, zoning out to the panning shots of stupidly green fields and ridiculously ancient rock piles was strangely soothing.

There was no need to talk, as the simple relief of a night in wrapped Levi in its cocoon. The single ceiling light in the kitchen and the glow of the television were more than enough to accompany them. Stretching his legs and shifting them out of Erwin’s lap, Levi moved closer instead, leaning easily into Erwin as an arm lifted and wrapped itself around his shoulders. The wine went more slowly, consumed in sips and forgetful mouthfuls until Levi placed the empty glass next to Erwin’s on the coffee table and wondered briefly whether everyone in Britain was as charming sounding as the man currently pointing out the finer details of whatever-century architecture.

It didn’t matter what the exact words were that the man on the show was saying- the even cadence and volume of his voice were all that really mattered as Levi gazed at the television. Turning his head, he looked outside again, eyes catching on the motion of someone in another building. They walked around their room, doing some task Levi couldn’t begin to guess at. Unaware they were being watched, though Levi was barely paying attention anyway. As he turned back to the TV, losing interest in what lay outside, his nose banged into something. It was Erwin’s, his lover’s face turned to his and close enough that Levi had to lean back to look at him. Not even pausing a beat, Erwin moved in, placing a chaste kiss on the end of his nose.

“You sap,” Levi muttered through his attempts to not smile, waiting patiently as Erwin placed a second kiss on his forehead. He knew exactly what came next, and wasn’t disappointed when Erwin drew back to look him directly in the eyes. It gave him a chance to look too, to appreciate. Any lines and tension from work or stress had fallen from Erwin’s face. Replaced by steadiness, he kept their gaze, hints of contentment reflected in the dark-tinted blue of irises Levi could study endlessly. In the night his eyes were darker, almost navy, but still flecked with threads of amber and moss where the changing angles caught them. Rimmed by lashes that caught the light, as blonde as all of Erwin’s hair, they pulled Levi in and in, replacing the world outside with the one that only they shared.

Levi blinked when Erwin finally kissed him again, caught off guard and making a noise of surprise when Erwin’s lips pressed to his, pushing them against his teeth and squashing his nose. Closing his eyes a moment later he welcomed the kiss, still picturing the flickers of color and light in Erwin’s eyes. Even in the false darkness he made, hidden behind the lids of his eyes, he could still feel the slope of Erwin’s nose pressing next to his own, the telltale brush of eyelashes and brows as their heads moved. The slight edge of stubble on Erwin’s chin, scraping lightly against his skin and making the softness of Erwin’s lips even more exquisite.

He let his head fall back, tilting it up to receive the brush of lips as he sank back into the couch. Their lips melding and loosening, mouthing out sensitive shapes as sweet moments tinged sharper, kisses deepening while Erwin leaned further over his body. It was impossible to tell who opened their mouth first- they opened together, Erwin’s tongue passing over Levi’s lips as Levi’s hand guided them together, fingers twining in Erwin’s hair. Trading nips and the flick of tongues, exploring without hesitation as their lips moved- pliant and demanding in turns.   

But while Levi would probably be content to make out like this for hours, to hang in the tantalizing yearning of his half-dream state, for once it was Erwin who found it difficult to keep his patience. Between kisses and breaths, he undid the buttons on his shirt. When he’d rolled his shoulders out of it, tugging off the cuffs without breaking their contact, he began to pull up Levi’s t-shirt. They came apart only to ease it from Levi’s head. Before Levi could lean back in and continue where they’d left off, he noticed- Erwin was hanging back. Staring at his chest, eyes flicking from his neck and down to his stomach, darting over the same places.

“What?” Levi asked. This wasn’t the usual look- one soft with appreciation, or heavy with the hunger of lust. The pinched line growing between Erwin’s brows was something else.

“You have hickeys,” Erwin said.

“You made them, dumb-ass,” came the retort, but Levi looked down anyway, noting the bruises on his chest, the trail that followed the line of hair leading from his navel down into his jeans, the various other, stray, purple and fading-yellow marks.

“Yes,” Erwin agreed, “but I’ve never seen them before.”

“You’ve never seen a hickey?”

“Not on you, Levi.” The concern in Erwin’s voice was clear, and Levi’s shoulders rose, trying to physically shrug off its unpleasant insinuation. Erwin had given him plenty of hickeys before, and he’d given Erwin some in exchange- that was just what people did when they were thinking with their bodies instead of their brains. He’d always enjoyed the experience. The stony set to Erwin’s features as he stared though, that was something Levi did not enjoy- it felt like Erwin was inspecting a specimen.

His arousal quickly fizzling under the force of Erwin’s worry, Levi gnawed on his lower lip. It wasn’t like- but when had he gotten these… it couldn’t have been more than a couple days ago. The morning he’d woken up with Erwin, that had been the past weekend, but that was too long. Normally, small cuts, bruises of any kind would be gone in less than a day.

Normally- but.

Kenny’s words bubbled up to the surface of his mind unbidden, ‘look at you…’.

This was-

-the twisted ankle that had been sore the next morning.

The many days spent in bed after his leg was cut to shreds.

His exhaustion and lack of center, the way his body felt sluggish even now.

He knew there would be a price to pay, he just hadn’t thought he’d be paying so much, so quickly.

“It’s fine. Not like they hurt,” he muttered, trying to distract Erwin’s attention or prevent concern even as his own flared up. The words fell on deaf ears. Erwin was no longer staring down at Levi’s pale skin in the flickering bluish television light. Instead he looked straight ahead, over Levi’s shoulder, his eyes squinting slightly in the same way he read takeout menus.

“What are you looking at?” Levi asked, turning to look behind himself and out the windows. Whatever Erwin saw escaped his notice, the bright rectangles of windows and pinpoints of lights blinking out the tops of buildings with the same rhythm they did every night, signaling in silence to the planes that winked back above.

Erwin’s arm came up, pointer finger extending as he indicated over Levi’s shoulder. “What’s that?” Looking where Erwin pointed, Levi peered into the dark. The edge of one lit window wasn’t straight, blurry somehow where it should be meeting the building in a sharp line. It bulged and Levi squinted too, staring at its changing form- the distortion too dark and backlit to be from anything inside. As he watched, the blur broke, pieces of black scattering across the neat rectangle, forming up again in a cloud. They flew around, joining and scattering as they passed in front of another window, some trailing behind even as they gained more coherence and purpose. Their number, at first small, increased as some split and formed their own shadows while others became larger.

With a shock he realized- they weren’t getting bigger.

They were getting closer.

The flatness of contrast had played a trick. Shadow and bright light was ruining his depth perception.

The cursed flying things grew.

He shuddered, the deep wrongness of their presence making him frown as he tasted a sour wave of panic.

“Shit,” he swore, as Erwin’s bewilderment snapped into confusion. He grabbed Erwin’s arm, trying to drag him off the couch as he stood. “We need to hide.”

“What?” Erwin blinked but complied, responding to the urgency in Levi’s grip. The blanket and their shirts abandoned in a pile on the floor, Levi crouched down. He looked around the nearly-empty room, for something to get behind, eyes darting over the bare corners, discarding their possibility as soon as he saw how exposed they were. The living room was a terrible place to hide- giant floor-to-ceiling windows, a couch, a coffee table, the television and its cabinet, and one tiny bookshelf. Making up his mind in a flash, he grabbed Erwin’s hand, dragging him hastily behind the couch where they both hunched.

“What are those things?” Erwin asked. “What kind of monster? Why are they here?”

“Shut up,” Levi hissed. It was too many questions and he barely knew the answers to any. He couldn’t explain it- the dread they stirred in his gut when he saw them. The way his neck itched and the hair stood up, none of these were rational things that could be explained. “They’re bad,” he settled on, staring at Erwin’s hand.

He was still holding it.

“Really bad,” he added, almost as an afterthought as he let his grip relax. Flattening his back to the couch’s, he inched towards its edge, leaning closer to the floor as he tried to peer around it.

“Can’t we just turn off the light? They can’t see in then.”

Levi paused, shaking his head. “No. It won’t help. I think they can see in the dark. We have to…” he trailed off, considering the next move. Moving slowly, he edged carefully around the couch, eyes immediately searching. At first he saw nothing, the yellow-orange rectangles the things had passed in front of were clear and sharp once again. He scanned their edges, looking for hints of distortion, for flickers of motion in the stillness.

A fluid movement caught his eye, ragged black shapes swarming across the light, their silhouettes bulging as the cloud moved. Much closer, much larger, it covered more than one window now, spread out across a few, and Levi’s eyes widened.

A screech sounded- metallic rasping that made his teeth grind. It was echoed in a chorus, the black cloud pulsing as it grew closer, its aim clear. Levi whipped back into the shadow of the couch. His chest hammering, he stared into the kitchen. There was no way to know if he’d been spotted now, or if the things had seen them before. It didn’t matter- they’d been seen either way. The dark flyers grew closer, and their aim was clear.

Body tensing, Levi felt himself go into panic mode. They needed to do something, go somewhere, fight someone. But what? There was nothing in the living room. They were trapped. There was nowhere to go, and nothing he could do. He stared and stared, frozen by indecision, unable to plan their next move.

It was Erwin who moved first. Levi’s head snapped over as Erwin passed by him. He reached, trying to pull him back to the safety of the couch, only to close his hand on nothing. Moving quickly, Erwin crossed the room and pulled the blinds shut, hiding the things outside. Their cries, quiet when Levi had hidden, started up again, shrieking and discordant rattling his ears. The din continued as Erwin moved to the coffee table, turning off the TV while Levi’s breath slowed and his body began to respond properly.

He watched Erwin hurry into the kitchen, turning the light off there as well. Standing shakily, Levi’s eyes stayed trained on the closed blinds, the noises coming from outside too loud to ignore even in the newly-darkened apartment. Carefully, he retrieved their clothes, avoiding the sharp edges of the coffee table before slipping his shirt on. As Levi’s eyes adjusted, he joined Erwin, now standing behind the couch, his ideas for action seemingly exhausted.

“What now?” Erwin whispered, accepting the shirt Levi handed him.

“I don’t-”

Levi was cut off by a blunt whump. His head whipped toward the sound- the window.

It came again, a thumping on the glass. Softer than before, made by a smaller weight behind it, but clearly from outside. More followed, a volley of increasing frequency and impact sounding across the room’s length.

The things outside were hitting the glass. They had seen Erwin. They had seen Levi. They were pounding against the window- harder and faster.

They were trying to get in.

“Get out of here,” Levi whispered. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Me?” Erwin stared back at him in the dark, halfway through putting his shirt back on. “You’re worried about me? Levi- I’m-”

A piercing shriek sounded, punctuated by a slam. Larger than the others, the sound was made by something bigger, or more small things at once- coordinated by the swarm. Levi winced, unsure how long the windows would hold against the onslaught.

“We’re leaving,” Erwin stated, reaching out and grabbing Levi’s arm. Stunned and confused, Levi stumbled after him, still looking towards the window and the alarming bangs setting the blinds shivering. He barely had time to pull on his boots and shrug on his coat, Erwin picking up his wallet and keys on their way into the hall. The door closed, muffling the sounds from the apartment, but not hiding them entirely. There was no time to linger, no time to wait and see, and Erwin locked the door and hurried them down the hall and into the elevator before Levi could protest.

They left the building through its garage, the underground levels opening onto the street on the opposite side. Walking fast, dodging people on the sidewalk, they half-ran down the block, taking a few turns until they were well away from Erwin’s building. They didn’t stop- Erwin led the way until they came to a new high-rise- a business hotel, its well-appointed lobby gleaming. The rest was barely a blur for Levi- the horror of the things that had spotted them earlier making him jumpy as he sent glances out the front doors while Erwin made a reservation.

Things- black things, flying things- they had found him. Not that he’d been hiding exactly, but the fervor they’d whipped into spotting him was intentional. And the way they’d tried to get in- persistent, if stupid. Their goal had been singular, not like a normal creature or beast’s. These were too focused, too intent on their purpose. These flying bits of shadow were being controlled or commanded.

They had been sent.

And Levi knew exactly who had sent them.

“You can play.

But don’t forget.

You’re mine.”

Kenny knew. He knew everything.

“Levi.” Hearing his name, Levi turned to Erwin. He held a key-card and offered one to Levi. Accepting the piece of cool plastic, Levi followed him silently to the elevator. When the doors closed, Erwin sighed heavily, the energy and decisiveness leaving him in a rush as his body sagged back onto the wall. “Jesus, Levi, what were those things?” He asked, rubbing a hand over his eyes, reaching out and finding Levi’s wrist to pull him close. As Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin’s middle, deflating against his chest, he closed his eyes. For all his action, for all the solidness of Erwin’s body next to his, a tremble gave away what he was really experiencing- the same rush and loss of adrenaline that Levi felt as his arms tightened, trying to anchor himself.

“Levi, what’s wrong?” Erwin’s fingers tilted his chin up, blue eyes beseeching him as the elevator counted the floors in a too-cheerful tone.

“Nothing,” Levi answered, pressing his face to Erwin’s chest. “Nothing,” he whispered, tightening his grip.

“Nothing,” he repeated, willing it to be the truth.

Chapter Text

“Hey, long time no see, Erwin,” Mike said, nodding over the mug of coffee he was hiding his nose in.

“Morning, Mike,” Erwin answered, sliding into a chair opposite Mike’s at their usual café and searching the table for a menu. He pushed the salt and pepper shakers around, distractedly checking by the napkin holder before Mike took pity on him, handing him the laminated list of sandwiches and salads.

“Geez, Erwin. You look like a horse that’s been ridden hard and put away wet,” Mike teased. “Having trouble keeping up with Lee?”

With a chuckle that ended in a sigh over the light ribbing, Erwin shook his head. “Not exactly.”

The waitress came by, keeping Erwin from saying more as he ordered a black coffee and whatever special she’d just mentioned without even bothering to think. Once the woman had moved on, giving Erwin a little space to get his bearings and relax, he noticed that Mike was still eyeing him over the top of his mug.

“Well?” Mike didn’t need to say anything more- it was obvious he was still waiting for an explanation, and the way his lighter tone had shifted to something quiet and more serious meant Erwin had no choice but to comply.

“It’s…” Erwin trailed off.

It was difficult to describe, he realized. He was sleeping fine, eating fine, work was going well. On the surface, nothing was amiss, and he’d been able to ignore the nagging doubts that occasionally took hold. Still, he was becoming more and more sure with each passing day that something wasn’t right. It was more than the increase in supernatural injuries, even more than the strange swarm of winged things that had targeted the apartment. Those things weren’t good, surely, and it was unsettling that unexplained things were returning after an absence of a few months. Still, they weren’t really what was distracting his focus; they were things he’d become somewhat accepting of, even accustomed to.

The source of his ill ease was, increasingly, Levi.

“I don’t know,” he tried again, “Lee has been kind of… under the weather recently.”

Mike placed his mug down on the table. It was a final sort of sound. Mike was giving his full attention. He nodded gravely. “How so?”

“Well, I think he’s getting sick. Or he’s been sick but it’s getting worse. I’m not sure which.”

Watching the tightness grow on Mike’s face did nothing to ease Erwin’s mind. Dirty blond brows came down, shading deep-set eyes even more, and Erwin could almost see the wheels turning within. He knew exactly what Mike was thinking about. He knew exactly how worried the things he was saying were going to make his best friend.

“Sick, huh?” Mike proceeded cautiously. His voice was calm, too calm, almost flat, and Erwin knew he was keeping it that way on purpose. “Like he has the flu, or…?”

“He’s been sleeping a lot,” Erwin admitted. “Napping at odd times, low-energy in general.” He didn’t tell Mike that Levi had been eating less, that he’d seemed distant and distracted- it was hard to know what to call these sorts of maladies that weren’t obviously physical.

Mike shrugged, the rise and fall of his shoulders somewhat mechanical. “Maybe he’s just working too much. He works at a bar, right? So he’s probably got a weird schedule. Needs to take a day or two off.” Despite the nonchalant action, Mike’s eyes never wavered in their focus, searching Erwin’s face.

“He has,” Erwin added, “I told him to. It… didn’t really help. He’s going back tonight.”

Breaking their eye contact, the force of Mike’s scrutiny too much to bear along with the weight of his mounting worries, Erwin took a big gulp of ice water. Swallowing the cold liquid, feeling it move down his throat, he tried to formulate his next words. It was difficult. There were some things Mike wouldn’t understand. There was no way Mike would believe him anyway, not if he was going to talk about a dryad attacking his boyfriend or a swarm of terrifying black things nearly breaking the windows of his living room. He couldn’t tell Mike about how Levi had insisted on re-doing all the strange charms and protections around the apartment, and how it had taken far longer than the first time. He didn’t think Mike would appreciate it- how frustrated Levi had been, how he’d complained that it wasn’t working, and how drained he’d looked when he finally finished.

There were some things he didn’t want to tell Mike, anyway.

And the other things… well, they needed to be worded carefully; one misstep and they could make Mike jump to conclusions he didn’t want or need.

As Erwin wrestled with his thoughts, trying to decide how to proceed, the waitress reappeared, bringing coffee and placing food on the table in front of them. Seeing his opportunity to fend off conversation for a little longer, Erwin jabbed his fork into the salad he’d been unaware he ordered, and stuffed grilled chicken and lettuce into his mouth. He chewed quickly, shoveling food into his mouth without really tasting it, registering only the crunch of lettuce and the bite of onions.

“So he’s sick, but not sick enough to stay home from work?” Mike wasn’t going to let this all go, and Erwin swallowed a mouthful of salad.

“Yes,” Erwin said. “At least I don’t think I can make him stay home any longer. He said he needed to go to work and it didn’t feel right to argue about it.”

“But you’re worried,” Mike finished for him.

Looking down at what remained of his salad, Erwin chased a small tomato around the plate with his fork. “A little,” he ventured. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Erwin drank some of his coffee. It was hot and bitter, a little burnt from sitting too long. Mike chewed his sandwich thoroughly, the sound of each bite loud to Erwin as he ate a few more pieces of lettuce. They were fresh, but there’s wasn’t much dressing on the salad. It tasted watery and bland. He put his fork down, realizing that his appetite was gone already.

“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you?”

Mike’s voice snapped him out of his trance and he looked up.

“Huh?”

“Marie.”

“No!” The exclamation was more forceful that Erwin had intended, the way Mike leaned back proof of his outburst. “I mean, yes,” he backtracked, “but it’s not like that. They’re different.”

“Maybe you should tell Lee to go to the doctor. If he’s sick they’ll help. I know you probably don’t want to, but you should anyway.”

Erwin nodded. It was a sensible suggestion, but a futile one. “I already asked. Lee refused.”

Mike snorted. “Stubborn. Sounds like someone else I know. But if you’re not insisting or dragging him there, it can’t be that bad.”

Erwin didn’t respond. He stared at the few thin red onions still on his salad. He didn’t know what else to say. He knew Mike was trying to reassure him, but if he couldn’t reassure himself, then what good was it?

“Look,” Mike continued, “I can tell you’re worried. But it doesn’t sound too serious. Not great, but probably something that will pass. Maybe something is bothering him at work. Maybe he’s just in a funk. Maybe he needs a little space or privacy- you guys did move in together pretty quick. There are a lot of things it could be. Not every illness is life-threatening. The whole thing with Marie- that’s not the kind of thing that just happens to people.”

His friend paused, and Erwin looked up from the salad plate. It was unusual for Mike to speak at such length, and Erwin felt a wave of fondness for his friend making such an effort. Across the small table Mike sat, stroking the stubble on his chin, considering Erwin in his familiar way.

“Besides, I met Lee,” Mike added. “The dude may be short, but he looks like he can handle himself. I’m honestly not too worried about his health and you shouldn’t be either.”

Taking some comfort from the words, Erwin fondly recalled their dinner in Chinatown. It felt so long ago, soon after Levi had moved in, even though he knew it had barely been a couple of months. The thoughts were pleasant ones that warmed him- his friends and Levi joking and getting along together, the epitome of good food and good company. Despite Mike’s words, it was surprising to realize that they hadn’t lived together long. Erwin supposed that he hadn’t noticed it; Levi’s life had already become such a large part of his own.

“You’re smiling,” Mike pointed out.

It was true. The half-smile turning up his lips was impossible for Erwin to deny.

“That’s good,” Mike said, giving his own confident grin. “I was a skeptic at first, but I’m ready to admit I was wrong. I’m glad you met Lee. You seem… happy. I’m glad. Lee’s good for you, Erwin. Makes you smile.” For once, Erwin appreciated Mike’s tact. He was sure there was more his friend could say, probably a lot more that he was thinking, but the way he’d chosen to frame it was kind.

“You’re right,” Erwin agreed, spearing a rogue tomato on the end of his fork. “About everything- I shouldn’t worry so much.” But he did. “Lee will be fine.” But what if he wasn’t? “It will all work out.”

But what if it didn’t?

Instead of eating the tomato Erwin continued pushing his fork through it, watching the tines burst from the other side, a thin trail of watery-red juice seeping from the punctures. He stared at the half-empty plate. The vague cloud of doubt gathered as the questions he hadn’t voiced sank in deeper, pulling at his focus until the remains of his salad had lost all meaning where they sat abandoned on the plate. No longer food, they were merely decorations, an assortment of colorful objects that he looked beyond while searching for answers that eluded him. Absently, he removed the fork from the speared tomato, laying it down on the table instead. A puddle of thin juice spread under the tomato in the plate’s center. A little pink, with flecks of red, the ruined fruit sat alone, oozing seeds. A whisper of memory suggested itself in the sight- the wounded tomato’s juices lying on the white ceramic. Pink, no, red on white. With a shudder, Erwin realized what the memory was: blood on tile.

“Hey-” Mike’s voice was enough to make the disturbing image slip from the front of his mind. Erwin blinked. He shook his head, watching Mike take a sip of coffee before continuing. “-You’re both still coming to my wedding, right?” The way Mike raised his eyebrows and looked down his long nose, the slightest sniff that Erwin noticed clued him into the dry joke.

“You’re still getting married, right?” He retorted.

The statement was rewarded with a satisfied nod and a light smirk from his friend. “Sure am. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Me neither,” Erwin answered, “we’ll be there.”

After Levi left the apartment for work that night, Erwin found he had just enough time to go for a run before it got dark. He’d been working out indoors long enough and the prospect of fresh air was almost intoxicating. The weather had been thawing recently, the worst of winter finally giving up. The frigid mornings and skies where the clouds themselves were frozen to nothing but wisps had given way to less predictable weather as the temperatures slowly rose. At least he didn’t need to bundle up as much to exercise outside, Erwin thought, as he pulled on long spandex leggings. He wasn’t quite ready to go with just a t-shirt, but Erwin knew his body would be warm once he started moving in his hooded sweatshirt.

The streets were still cold, but it was worth it to be running outside rather than in front of a television at the gym. It was always more of a challenge off the treadmill, he thought, the solidness of concrete and pavement more satisfying with each fall of his feet. He ran across an intersection, glad that the slushy remnants of snow and the dirty frozen ice had disappeared from the curb. For a Sunday the streets were relatively busy, probably a byproduct of the improving weather. Heading due east he ran, making his way towards the parks and the lake.

It didn’t feel like winter was quite over yet, Erwin mused as he paused to wait for the lights to change. He put his hands on his hips, lunging forward with his left leg to stretch out his calf. There was already mud on his sneakers, he could see it splattered up around the black fabric over his calves too. It was satisfying- good, honest mud marking his exertions already. He looked up, watching the streetlights, sinking his weight further down into the lunge and feeling the pull in his Achilles tendon. It ached a little, but that was good too, it made him feel aware of his muscles and body, made him feel alive. When the light changed and the walk sign turned, he jogged across the street, passing to the outside to avoid other pedestrians.

Erwin’s run wasn’t a planned one, and he went where his feet took him. It was impossible to get lost anyway; the city’s grid would be easy to follow back from wherever he ended up, and Erwin’s easterly destination was more of a suggestion rather than a goal. He just wanted to be outside the labyrinth of unyielding walls, the endless barriers between empty spaces. Craving something other than grey and black and brown- the winter’s length had him wishing for a lightness that was lacking in the heavy skyscrapers jutting up from concrete to shade the streets. After repeated choruses of perfectly-square blocks, ducking around people’s shopping bags and baby carriages, lunges and quad stretches at the corners, the sound of his feet on pavement taking on a steady beat, he finally broke free from the line of buildings.

The park lay in front of him and the lake beyond. As he jogged onto a path, he searched for signs of winter’s end. In spring and summer the park would fill with life, but there was hardly any hint of what was to come. The trees were nothing but bare skeletons, their bones picked clean of leaves months back, not yet recovered as they reached up from equally bare earth. Not even the grass was acknowledging the change of seasons, the ground nothing but brown. Erwin continued on, taking the winding paths, amazed at how far he could see in the park when there were no leaves on bushes or trees to block his view.

At least he could see the sky. It stretched out above, the spindly bare branches tiny compared to its vast presence. It was cloudy, but not the endless, featureless clouds he dreaded. These had definition and shape, their rounded edges different shades. These had weight, their burgeoning presence pushing downward as they blanketed the sky. Almost foreboding, but striking too, it was a dramatic sky that shattered the monotony of the indoors with its majesty. Compared to the clouds above, their height uncertain, their vastness impossible to imagine, some of his cares slipped away. This was what he had come outside for- his problems were not so big after all. They could never be as large or grand as these clouds.

His feet slapped through a puddle, and Erwin looked down at the path to avoid a larger one that spread before him. Even if the plants were hibernating, the ground was beginning to show subtle signs of the turn. The soupy wet collecting in dips and spreading was evidence of that. He took a deep breath. The air was cool but not stinging as he inhaled heavily, exhaling, pushing himself, pulling his legs along, increasing the pace of his stride as he neared the lake.

In a land of neutral colors, the lake reflected more of the same. Its surface stretched out further than the eye could see, white foam forming on grey waves. Tossed and sprayed about, its water was whipped into roiling peaks by the wind coming off it, the same wind that plucked at Erwin’s hair, blowing it away from his face, cooling the thin layer of sweat on his neck. He didn’t bother running closer- he could see far enough as it was, and the water’s wildness was what he had come for. Besides, Erwin knew that it might spoil the effect. The water’s edge was too much like the streets: dirty and a little bleak. The season always got worse before it got better. Down there was nothing but trash, uncovered by ice that had finally melted, just like there was all over the city- things thrown away and forgotten over the long, cold season only to have their ugliness revealed just as the winter retreated. It was a shame, especially when he was so tired of being cold. But it was inevitable too, just part of the course the city took every year.

Having had enough of the lake and its unrelenting wind, ready to return to the orderliness and warmth of his apartment, Erwin turned back. As he left the park, entering the maze of buildings once again, he felt a few stray drops of wet on his nose. They began to fall closer and thicker, speckles on the pavement growing together as points of cold found his head and hands. Increasing his pace once again, Erwin pushed on, down streets that grew shiny and slick, his breath hot as his feet found their way, pounding through the rain.

A hot shower was in order after his run turned wet and chilly. His body sufficiently warmed, Erwin set to work preparing dinner for himself. He turned on the television, putting on a history program about lighthouses he’d watched a few times before for the background noise. When the oven dinged, he put in the tray of potatoes and brussels sprouts he’d tossed in oil and herbs setting the timer before finding a beer and settling onto the couch. He had plenty of time before he’d have to add fish fillets, and staring at the various coastlines and their charming lighthouses was as good a way as any to relax. The day must have taken more out of him than he’d thought- before he could even really focus on the television program the timer was beeping and he was back to tending his dinner. The food finished just as his show ended, and Erwin had to find something else to watch as he ate, feet propped up on the coffee table in front of the couch, his first beer long gone and a second vanishing quickly.

It was amazing just how quickly he ate without distraction, and Erwin put his plate down, stretching out on the couch when he’d finished. Unsure whether to stop watching television and find something to read or whether to just let himself be lulled into a nap on the couch, he sank further into the cushions. It was a comfortable place to relax, and he planned to savor it, especially when he knew a whole week of sitting in his office chair was just one night’s rest away. He looked out the window, stretching his arms above his head and arching his back, the stretch feeling particularly indulgent after his run. He’d missed this heaviness, the traces of exhaustion in his muscles- it was easier to push himself outside than at the gym.

Mid-way through a yawn, something outside caught his eye. A dark, fluttering motion- a familiar one.

Erwin froze. The urge to sleep vanished instantly, replaced by uneasiness. He sat up, straining forward on the couch to see better.

Unmistakable. The flying things were back. His stomach twisted as he frowned out the window. Barely-visible specks grew and undulated, a living, breathing cloud forming even as the steady rain dripped down his windows. Rooted to the spot, he watched the approach of the things. Closer and closer they came, dark forms resolving even as his heart began to speed up and his breath grew tight and high in his chest.

Light flashed- the dark illuminated by lightning. In the blinding moment of light the things were clear for a second. Bat-like forms resolved, leathery wings, claws, their flight made frantic and jerky by the twin strobe of flashes as the lightening branched. The boom of thunder immediately after made him start, his muscles jumping. When he looked back outside the night was dark, the after-image of the storm’s forked flashes ruining his night vision. Searching in vain for the telltale outlines, for anything out of the ordinary, Erwin got up shakily from the couch. He walked toward the window, scanning the skyline above, trying desperately to see where the things had gone even as the rain began to pour, water streaking down glass blurring his view.

He leaned closer to the window, putting a hand on the glass as he peered into the storm.

Light flashed. Brightness exploded in his retinas, and for a second he saw clearly. Wings, claws- dark rain-slicked fur- and close. Too close. They were huge. Wings massive, more than a foot across, larger than any birds or bats he’d ever seen. Their forms were unsettling, and Erwin felt his gut turn with revulsion when he realized how. All leathery wing-flesh and dirty furred body- the creatures had no eyes. They had no ears. They had no noses. They had nothing but mouths: open like a hole, wet like the rain, with row upon row of crooked sharp teeth. As the boom of close thunder shook the very air, Erwin gaped, still unable to tear himself away.

With the light gone again, Erwin could no longer see the them. But he didn’t need to.

WHUMP

The window shook. Erwin felt the dull impact where his fingers touched the glass. He jumped back, startled, his legs not moving as quickly as the rest of him as he fell down. Hitting the floor straight on his ass, Erwin had no time to recover from the dull pain. The second thud of something hitting the glass in front of him kicked his fear into overdrive. He scrambled back from the window on all fours, putting as much space between himself and the window even as he refused to look away. The couch pushing against his back stopped his retreat, heart hammering in his throat. More bumps followed, his eyes adjusting enough to see the outlines of creatures as they hit the glass.

His mind raced. Eyeless- how could they see him, earless- how could they hear him, nose-less- how could they scent him out?

How had they found him?

The next dull thud against the window flipped some switch inside him. Erwin shot up from the floor, almost tripping over his limbs in his haste. He ran across the living room to the light switches and pawed them off before continuing into the kitchen. Every light had to be off. He ran back to the window, closing the blinds in front of it. He had to hide, somehow. He had to hide from these unnatural, senseless beasts. Leaving the room in a hurry he headed to the bedroom, not turning on a single light, feeling his way instead. Closing the door behind him he made quick rounds- pulling the blinds down before the things assaulting the living room could find these other windows.

Still shaking with leftover adrenaline from his rushed retreat, Erwin walked mechanically over to the bed. He climbed onto the mattress, facing away from the window, and pulled the covers up over his back as he curled into a ball under them. If he was going to hide he wanted to do it here: in the warmth of his bed, as safe as he could possibly be in the room where Levi had spent the most time placing charms and drawing strange symbols in chalk. With the covers over his head, Erwin pulled a pillow down from the top of the bed, half to rest his head on, half to clutch as he listened to the sounds of things hitting glass in the other room.

Not knowing how long he hid, Erwin’s mind outraced his body, his fears rising and ebbing in an exhausting cycle. Erwin had no idea why the creatures outside had come again, especially since Levi had been convinced they were after him. It made no sense for them to re-appear when Levi was absent, unless they were after something else. The uncertainty was maddening, and Erwin wondered if he should text Levi, should ask him about it, should make some plea for help. But, Erwin thought, what could Levi do that he hadn’t done already? Besides, he was busy with work, fighting monsters of his own. Feeling like he owed it to Levi somehow, Erwin grit his teeth, resolving to weather the fear alone. He curled tighter, willing strength into whatever protections Levi had placed on their apartment. As the seconds and minutes stretched, his perception of time distorting and breaking apart, he clutched the pillow to his chest. He felt like he’d clenched every muscle in his body, every nerve frayed from vacillating between hyper-awareness between sounds and bursts of terror at every noise.

His fingers found the ring on his right hand. The slippery silk braided and twined, and he stroked it. Even though Levi was not here, he had left Erwin this, and he had to believe.

It helped. Sliding his fingers over it, tracing the circle, his skin remembered the feel of Levi’s hair, a small piece of his presence. And it was a little easier to breathe, a little easier to concentrate on more than the hammering of his blood. So he waited, and listened, and traced the pattern of endless knots and twists wound around his finger. The pauses grew longer. Silence stretched in the dark as the bumps and thuds grew less frequent. Exhaustion set into his bones, forcing his body to relax somewhat as he lost track of how much time had passed since the last thud.

Crawling up the bed to lay on it properly, Erwin brought the pillow he’d clutched- Levi’s pillow- with him. Laying his head on it, he rolled onto his side to try and sleep. As he felt his eyelids grow heavy he noticed his hand lying open in the dim bedroom light. The ring on his finger- a few strands had come loose from its ties. Their ends trailed; stray dark hairs lay around it on the sheets.

That night, alone in his bed, Erwin slept in fits and starts, only relaxing when he heard the creak of the front door and Levi’s soft steps. His lover came into the bed quietly, their limbs tangling together in a way that felt natural. As Erwin drifted toward the first deep sleep he’d had that night, he held Levi tight. Nosing against the prickly, short hair of his undercut Erwin breathed in the soothing scent: books, tea, a tang of ozone, and beneath it, a hint of spring.

Staring at the screen as his nose got progressively closer to its cold LED glow, Erwin blankly pondered the email he was supposed to be reading. The day had crawled by, especially the last hour that limped along as he tried to find something, anything, that would give him a sense of productivity or purpose . When Erwin got into the swing of things a day like this would be simple, enjoyable even- a series of interesting problems he could pick apart and solve was immensely satisfying. But with half of his attention elsewhere, it was impossible to focus. He blinked. His nose had gotten dangerously close to the screen. He’d read the same line at least three times. Sitting back in his office chair he rolled his shoulders and neck, trying to shake out the accumulated tension.

Glancing down at the corner of his screen, Erwin shook his head when he saw the numbers marking the time. Five minutes, five more minutes until he could leave without making an excuse or feeling a nagging guilt, five agonizing minutes he’d have to sit through before heading home. Levi would be there- he had the night off, and Erwin had something in mind for the night. It wasn’t fancy, far from it, but it was all he could think of- something to perk his boyfriend up, to shake off the vague mix of symptoms he’d noticed intensifying the past few days. If he was being perfectly honest, they’d probably been creeping up for a while, and Erwin hoped spending the evening doting on his lover, giving him the attention he deserved, would be a comfort to both of them.

When the little numbers changed, the count of minutes wiping clean to read “00”, he turned off his computer. His bag was already within reach, and Erwin retrieved his coat as he swept out of his office. He was already well on his way to the bank of elevators when the door swung shut.

After picking up groceries, Erwin finally made it back to his apartment. Stepping inside, he noticed Levi sitting on the couch, his head resting on the top of the back cushion until the door closed and shiny black hair jumped at the sound.

“I’m home. Were you napping?” He asked, removing his shoes and coat as he loosened his tie.

“No, I don’t nap,” Levi retorted, turning around to frown at him from the couch. Erwin couldn’t help but smile at the obvious pout.

“Well, maybe you should. I know you’ve been…” Tired? Depressed? Ill? Erwin couldn’t decide- none of them felt like the right words, so instead he let silence choose for him. He went into the kitchen, laying the groceries out as he pushed away worries that clung like cobwebs in his brain. When he’d arranged everything, he headed back into the living room, walking over to the small bookshelf as Levi watched.

“What are you doing?” Levi asked, as Erwin read the spines of the books he’d kept.

“I’m cooking tonight,” Erwin answered, finding what he wanted and running a finger down its spiral-bound back. He tugged the book out, adding, “and I’m making chicken noodle soup, your favorite.”

Levi stared, obvious confusion on his still-sleepy face. “Chicken noodle isn’t my favorite,” he pointed out flatly, the lack of tact coming off cute rather than rude as Erwin noticed the reddened seam-mark from the couch’s cushion pressed into Levi’s cheek where he’d slept on it.

“It will be,” Erwin assured him, walking behind the couch to look down at Levi. He waved the floppy, home-bound book of recipes at Levi. “This is the best chicken noodle soup.”

Levi rolled his eyes, but didn’t protest when Erwin leaned down for a kiss.

When he tried to straighten back up, Erwin’s head jerked. A sharp tug on his tie brought him back down with just enough time to see the blue silk wrapped around Levi’s fist. Lips brushed, Levi’s soft and relaxed against his own. The kiss was barely more than a pause, but when the hold on his tie loosened, Erwin’s heart was already racing. He stood up slowly, unable to look away as Levi leaned back and assessed him with knowing grey eyes. As he continued to stare, Erwin’s eyes kept catching on things- returning to the dip of Levi’s collar bones above his t-shirt, snagging on pale skin showing through the rips in his thin jeans.

“Are you going to cook in your suit?” Levi asked.

“Oh. Oh, no,” Erwin said, looking down at his shirt, his jacket, his slacks, “I should- go change then.” He ran his hands down the front of his shirt, smoothing it before straightening his tie.

“I’ll take that.” Levi tugged the book from his hand. “You change. Let’s get this party started. The sooner we cook, the sooner we eat. And whatever comes after.”

Erwin grinned at the insinuation and headed down the hall to the bedroom. He emerged a few minutes later, pulling an old, soft t-shirt over his head and finding its sleeves a little tighter around his biceps than he’d remembered. From the kitchen he could hear the sound of Levi chopping. He padded down the hall, pausing before entering the kitchen.

Levi stood by the counter, his back to Erwin. A large pot that Erwin knew contained the whole chicken and water already sat over a lit burner on the range top. The ingredients for soup were neatly placed around Levi’s cutting board and he was in the middle of slicing up carrots. For all the appearances of a cozy, domestic scene, Erwin still found some unnamed dread eating at his edges. It picked at him, making him hesitate to join, holding him back somehow. But it was difficult to tell whether it was warranted or not, whether the way Levi’s shoulders hunched was the same as they always had or whether it was new, unwelcome body language. Whether Levi’s shirt looked a little larger than usual, whether his jeans slouched lower around his hips than Erwin remembered. With such pale skin it was hard for Erwin to tell whether its tints were off, whether something was lurking underneath, or whether he was just imagining that Levi was more drawn and tired than usual.

“Can you do the onion? I don’t have space.” Levi turned, and Erwin nodded, unrooting himself from the floor and unpeeling his mind from the thoughts that kept sticking to it. Finding the yellow onion was easy, and he set up another cutting board, taking the only other counter space not occupied by groceries and unsorted mail across the kitchen from Levi. He peeled papery skin from the vegetable, leaving it bare before casting about for a knife. Levi was obviously using one, but as he opened drawer after drawer he wasn’t able to come up with another- only butter knives and a cleaver, neither of which were really suited to his task. All the other knives must be dirty and in the dishwasher, he reasoned, and pulled open the dishwasher door to take a look. No luck- the knives were present but they were all dirty, and most had scraps clinging to them that he’d rather not tackle by hand.

Erwin returned to his cutting board, putting his hands on his hips as he waited for Levi to be done using what was apparently the only serviceable knife in his entire kitchen. Growing bored of waiting, he hovered, sneaking glances at the recipe to try and find other things to do while Levi chopped and the chicken began to boil. Settling on making dough for the egg noodles, Erwin found a bowl and began mixing. Flour and salt went in, egg yolks plopping into the middle, all to the background of staccato notes as Levi cut potatoes. Mixing the dough by hand, Erwin kneaded the ingredients together, pressing them between his fingers until they collected into yellow lumps. A little bit of water from the faucet was enough to make the dough stick together, forming a ball.

They didn’t have anything to roll it out with, or any surface right for the job, but Erwin figured flour on the countertop would be enough for his purposes as he pressed the dough flat, tugging and squashing it until it was thin enough to cook quickly. The sound of Levi’s chopping was slowing, and Erwin looked over to see that he was nearly through the vegetables he’d laid out, the previous ones turned into neat mounds of diced green, white, and orange. The garlic was last, and its smell filled the small kitchen as Levi crushed it under the flat of his blade. In moments it too was diced to pieces, pale fingers wiping off the last bits that clung to the knife’s blade.

“Levi, toss me the knife,” Erwin said, holding out a flour-covered hand and turning to his own work.

Air whooshed by his fingertips.

A THUNK. Then a splitting crack.

Erwin’s head whipped down to the sound’s source.

The knife was stuck, buried an inch into the drawer’s front. Its handle shook from the force of the throw. The wood had split above it, forced open by the ceramic blade.

Erwin stared. He could still feel the air that had passed over his hand.

The pot of boiling water bubbling was the only sound in the kitchen.

He chuckled. “I didn’t mean for you to actually throw the knife, Levi,” Erwin joked, trying to hide the bitter unease rising high in his throat. “It’s a figurative expression.”

When he turned to face Levi the unease bloomed outward in his chest, squeezing his lungs. Something was wrong- very wrong. Pale hands shook. Levi looked at them, holding them in front of his face as though he’d never seen them before, as though they did not belong to him, anguish written in his open mouth.

“Levi?” Erwin said the name carefully; it required gentle handling.

“I could have…” Levi trailed off, staring at his fingers, eyes feral and strange. “Almost…”

“Levi,” Erwin repeated. He took a step forward, reaching a hand out to his lover.

But Erwin’s fingers touched only air, emptiness. Levi had stepped back. He stumbled a little as he did, missing his balance, too focused, too lost. Hands held up, fingers spread, trembling. His thin brows pushed together, forehead wrinkling between them as his mouth closed and pursed tight, lips forming a thin line, all the color pressed from them by the force of Levi’s set jaw. “I… What have I? I…” he murmured.

“Levi, I didn’t mean…”

Levi’s head snapped up toward Erwin’s voice. Focused on nothing, his grey eyes looked through Erwin. The skin around them was stretched tight- thin and lined, dark hollows under them. They looked red at their edges- wet.

Then Levi’s eyes focused. They narrowed.

“Then. Don’t. Say. It.” Levi glared at him, tired red-ringed eyes growing dark. His hands dropped to his sides. All limpness gone from his fingers, they curled into tight fists.

“What? What do you mean?” Erwin stammered, confusion and panic wobbling in his voice.  

Anger flashed in Levi’s eyes. “If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.” He stepped forward, and Erwin felt the space between them growing smaller and more stifling, suddenly there wasn’t nearly enough of it. “Don’t tell me what to do, Erwin. Don’t just throw your words around. They mean something. They mean too much.” Levi’s voice was rough, crackling around its edges. He’d stopped two steps from where Erwin stood, and the short burst of energy had passed. It left him deflated: shoulders hunched, his head drooped down to face the floor, his fingers limp once more. The flash of fear Erwin had felt at the outburst curdled, turning to something sour and painful as he witnessed the change.

“Do you even know… what you’re doing?” Levi murmured, addressing the floor between them, the empty space Erwin did not know how to fill.

“What is it? Tell me, Levi,” Erwin pleaded.

“Erwin, when you,”- Levi clamped his mouth shut mid-sentence, his change from automatic to frustrated obvious and strange in the same breath. Erwin’s confusion soon changed to concern as he watched. Levi’s lips twisted, curving down and pursing together, like he was fighting some irresistible urge- “I have to”- he cut himself off again, the effort of stopping the quick words that had somehow escaped was obvious in every tense muscle in his cheeks and jaw. Wincing with the effort, as though struggling to hold back a flood, Levi’s eyes closed and Erwin felt a pang of sympathy for him as he rushed to stop whatever it was he was forcing on the man.

“Nevermind. Levi. Stop! I-” he babbled, somehow hitting on some correct combination as the pain instantly vanished from Levi’s face.

“Yeah... nevermind,” Levi whispered. He turned away, but not before Erwin saw the look of pain still haunting tired grey eyes.

He left the kitchen, disappearing down the hall. Before Erwin could respond, before he could protest. Before Erwin could reach out and touch him and catch him and hold him.

He was gone.

Erwin stood in the kitchen.

His mind returned to what had happened, trying to make sense of where he stood.

He had asked Levi to toss the knife. Levi had thrown it.

But that didn’t fit.

He had asked- no- he had told Levi to toss the knife. He had not asked a question, had not made an appeal or suggestion. He had used the imperative, had made a direct command, there was no other way to interpret his words.

He commanded Levi.

And Levi threw the knife.

Levi’s cryptic words began to gather weight.

There had been other words, words he remembered the longer he thought. Each had carried their own weight.

Drops in a bucket; stones in his heart.

The time he’d demanded to know what Levi was doing for Christmas. Levi told him.

He’d demanded Levi’s name at the bar. He’d gotten it.

He’d demanded the man’s number. It too was given.

The desperate message he’d left on Levi’s phone long ago- had Levi heard it? Had that been why Levi finally agreed to go out-

Each memory squeezed his heart tighter, the stones collected in it, and he ached with their weight. It was impossible to count them all, impossible to know how many he’d placed, how many he’d set carefully, one on top of another, only to see them all fall down and crush him.

As Erwin’s regrets grew, the words Levi said crystallized into something solid and sharp. Everything he had told Levi to do, Levi had done. Somehow, his lover was unable to resist a direct command.

And worst of all, one command stood out in Erwin’s mind.

He had told Levi to stay.

A hiss came from the stove, and Erwin looked over in time to see foam slipping down the side of the stainless steel pot. He crossed the kitchen and looked down at the boiling water. It roiled and gurgled, spilling over the sides and making blue flames flare up to lick the pot’s bottom. He reached out and turned off the burner, feeling the knob click.

He had made Levi do too many things- had forced him somehow.

He turned to face away from the stove and sank down to the floor, feeling his back slide on the oven door.

This was what he had made.

Erwin put his head in his still-dirty hands.

His eyes stung and he blinked, his vision blurring and wobbling at its edges.

And he choked around so many stones filling his heart, so many they piled up into his throat.

Chapter Text

The night passed, no hint of the almost-fight remaining by morning when Erwin headed off to work at the same time he always did, getting on the same train, in the same car, and walking down the same streets to the office. It was an unusually sunny morning, shining brilliant bands of light off the skyscraper’s windows and reflecting into his eyes. His brows drew lower, trying to guard against some of the brightness.  Well-defined lights and darks, slanted polygons cast between the buildings from the low sun were broken by his footsteps, light and shadow washing over him in turns as he walked. Not even the slight warming and cooling of the air, the bright dazzles from car windshields, watches, and window glass were enough to make Erwin pause or raise a hand to block the glare.

Instead, he drifted through them, thoughts of the previous night cropping up around each corner he turned, distracting him from the unseasonably warm day. Passing other office buildings, winding down the sidewalk around commuters, Erwin traveled as though under the only cloud in the brilliantly clear sky.

Until something caught his eye-

Between the buildings, down an alley, he glimpsed a shape that did not fit into the straight lines of sunshine and towering vertical walls. Large, hairy, and indistinct, his head turned to try and see it even as he walked past. A shiver ran down his spine, and he shook his head to clear it. The unease went nowhere, more instances of guilt and uncertainty rising to the front of his mind, pushing the odd sighting far into the background. It was probably a dog, or just some weird trash- people threw bizarre stuff away in those apartment dumpsters. Erwin had far more pressing things to worry about, all of them centered on Levi.

Staring at the same five slides of his presentation was beginning to make Erwin’s eyes water. He sighed, toggling between a spreadsheet and a few different documents, more to change the view on his computer display rather than to find any useful information. He took a sip of coffee and frowned into the cup. It was cold already. He swore he’d gotten it just ten minutes ago but looking at the clock he realized it had been at least an hour.

Deadlines were approaching. Important ones, and there was a lot to do- reports to write, figures to tabulate, and this goddamn presentation he’d already re-done a few more times than sanity allowed. At each preparation meeting they had brought up new concerns, tugging it in a different direction, adding or removing information, and all of it leading to endless revisions on his part. On top of that, he’d been so distracted at work recently, even making a simple decision over what order to put his slides in or how much writing to put on each was becoming perplexing. It all culminated in later and later evenings spent at work, more time sunk into fixing mistakes he shouldn’t have made in the first place, and more pressure.

He drank the rest of his coffee anyway, grimacing at the room-temperature liquid but unwilling to go to the break room for a new cup. Most of his coworkers had left for home by now and he’d have to make a whole pot if he wanted any, a waste Erwin didn’t want to bother with. He looked out the window at the office buildings across the street. Many of their lights were already off, going dark once the motion sensors ran out of human movements to track. A few windows were still bright, and Erwin stood from his computer, walking closer to the window to watch them. It was nothing like the bustle of a few hours ago: people taking bathroom trips, going to and from meetings, walking to the printer, chatting over someone else’s cube, stretching. Now the only remaining figures were still, alone as they worked diligently on tasks they’d soon leave too.

Erwin knew he should hurry, knew he should try to find more urgency for his task, especially with the mounting pressure. But still he stood, looking out the window, gazing at nothing, lost in his own thoughts. Work was a distraction, but it wasn’t enough. No matter how late he stayed he had to go home. He couldn’t count on Levi working every night.

They hadn’t talked about it. The knife, the words that passed between them, the things that kept coming back to haunt Erwin. Levi had continued, as though nothing had changed, and Erwin hadn’t wanted to bring it up, not after seeing how upset his boyfriend had been. He wondered, now, if his concerns were even real. He could be misinterpreting. Levi could just be suffering from a drawn-out cold, or perhaps a spell of depression. It was possible that Levi had simply snapped, stressed and overworked, sick and tired. If the curse of Erwin’s words wasn’t real, then the sense of dread he felt was unnecessary; he should go home right away.

But he didn’t want to. The tightness in Erwin’s neck and throat when he thought about Levi’s face after he’d thrown the knife, how he’d looked at Erwin with shock, and fear, and sadness twisted into a sickening mix- it was all the proof he needed of that. His own feelings were just as undeniable and familiar. He knew them well- the weights of guilt.

Tearing his eyes from the mesmerizing geometry of lit windows, he looked down into the street. Cars, taxis, and buses passed below, head and taillights shining a blinking river between the buildings. People were on the sidewalk, the end of the work week bringing them out to restaurants and bars in the fancier districts in their smart jackets and heels. It all seemed too bright, too joyous and exciting to Erwin, especially when he wished so desperately to drown himself and his problems in the tedium of work.

He looked down, scanning the ground close to the edge of the office building, preferring the darker, emptier stretches of pavement. Pedestrians didn’t bother to walk by the buildings outside of work hours, having no business with anything other than the sidewalk. The building’s perimeter was stark and bare. A few low steps, a railing, the edge of raised beds- a few sensible square-cut hedges invoked a semblance of aesthetic appeal. He followed the bushes with his eyes, taking a few steps along the window’s length to see. Something dark bulged out of their line, on the building’s side, and Erwin leaned forward, trying to see closer to the building’s base. It was large, much larger than the hedge, and right below, its form swallowing up the light and looking bushy and black against the grey pavement. Squinting in an effort to make it out better and stretching onto his toes, Erwin leaned as close to the glass as he dared, putting one hand on its cold, smooth surface to steady himself.

As he peered down, looking back and forth and struggling to make out the shape below, his phone buzzed on the desk. Levi. His head whipped around, and he left the window, hurrying to retrieve his phone, only to see that he did not recognize the number. It was not important.

Reminded of his other obligations, he decided to leave for the night. Erwin turned off his computer and tidied the papers on his desk for a few moments, scooping his phone into his pocket. Before leaving, he took one last look out the window for the strange thing he’d glimpsed earlier. The line of hedges was clear, straight and perfect in front of the building. Nothing large and out of place, nothing but the concrete he expected to see. The thing was gone.

The next morning Erwin woke early for a Saturday, rising without his alarm. Or, more accurately, he got out of bed, exhausted from a night of racing thoughts that made his body restless no matter what position he put it in. Levi had slept, at least, but the shallow breaths from the man next to him weren’t steady, and the way Levi had curled into a tight ball on his side reminded Erwin far too much of when he’d found him bleeding in the bathtub in a similar position.

The weekend had arrived despite his best efforts, and Erwin felt anything but relaxed. He fixed coffee distractedly, spending too much time staring out the living room windows at nothing and ending up with a bitter, oily cup of the stuff that burned as it went down. After three mouthfuls he gave up, pouring the rest out in the sink. It didn’t matter. His tongue was already burnt anyway. He stared at the sink drain, the brown trail of coffee he’d made on the stainless-steel running sluggishly into its dark depths, disappearing from view. Reaching into the sink, he stuck one finger into its middle. It did nothing, didn’t even disturb the flow. Flattening his finger, placing it across the liquid’s trail, he tried to stop it. For a while it worked, the slow-moving liquid gathering above his finger in a slightly darker bulge, collecting on the gentle slope of the sink bottom until it ran a bead around his finger- the trail rejoining. He could do nothing.

There was nothing he could do.

The apartment suddenly felt tight and close, like the walls were pressing in on him from every side, like the ceiling was lowering down. There wasn’t enough space to breathe. Not when every breath he took was stealing the same oxygen Levi also needed. There wasn’t enough space to move, Erwin thought, as he snuck into the bedroom, collecting his running clothing quickly from the drawer and pulling it on in record time. There wasn’t enough space to think.

Erwin hurried outside, hitting the sidewalk and quickly speeding up into a run. His feet found the pavement again and again, beating out the fast rhythm of his heart, the quick tempo keeping his thoughts temporarily at bay. He crossed intersections, not looking where he was going, ignoring the honk and screech of a car as it stopped short mere feet from him. He ran down the blocks, dodging hydrants and almost tripping over a dog walker’s leash. He ran and ran and ran, lungs burning as his legs pumped, feet carrying him too fast to think about anything else.

Until he ran out of blocks and streets and buildings and cars, until he crossed the park and left its bare trees and muddy earth behind, until he stood on the path at the edge of the world- nothing holding back the might of the huge lake beyond but corrugated metal and concrete.

There was nowhere else to run, and Erwin could go no further.

Wind whipped at his hair, flinging it around is forehead and face as it swept off the lake. It was strong today, and it chilled his sweat quickly, leaving him shivering in his hoodie and spandex. The dark green water looked icy, thick and foreboding as it formed peaks and valleys, churned up by the wind throwing mist off its breaking crests. Its spray sprinkled over his clothing as Erwin stood, staring out across the lake. It stretched indefinitely, the distant horizon blotted to nothing but a continuous gradient with the sky by low clouds that gathered and built over the expanse of water, dousing the sun, blurring the lines. Reaching down as he bent his knees, Erwin settled himself on the hard pavement and sat cross-legged. He scooted himself forward, until his knees barely hung over the edge of the retaining wall, water lapping and spitting up on the metal below.

The lake was dark and high, swollen full from melted ice. Over the backdrop of nothingness and shades of green-grey, Erwin’s thoughts finally took a recognizable form.

Levi had not mentioned the incident with the knife further, and something told Erwin that he was unlikely to ever bring it up.

The choking devastation he’d felt that night had subsided, but not stopped. It left behind it a low, throbbing, uneasy mix. Erwin was uncertain- what of their relationship was real and what was false- the question had nagged at him, eating away the past few days and offering no answers no matter how he scrutinized it. He had asked Levi for things many times and untangling the spontaneous actions from the requests was nearly impossible. He could not remember everything that he had said, there was too much. There was no way to know.

On top of that, it was no longer possible for Erwin to ignore Levi’s physical condition. He’d been sleeping poorly, eating less, looking listless and distracted. He was unwell.

And the bitter taste that lingered at the back of his throat, the niggling voices he had spent last night trying to suppress, the intrusive thoughts that his frantic run had let him escape were back in full force.

Somehow, this was his fault.

He didn’t know why this had happened, didn’t know why he was stuck like this, always the root of the problem, hurting the people he cared about. He’d done it to Marie- pushing her to and beyond the edge, all his best intentions poison in her infected blood. And it was happening again. He had this power over Levi he did not understand, one he should not possess. It was cruel and terrible in a way he had never intended. It was happening again. He was holding Levi against his will. He was killing Levi. Again.

A splash of spray slapped over Erwin’s thighs, making him shake his head and pull his legs up close. He brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. Leaning toward the lake, letting his weight shift off his butt and settle on his feet, Erwin rocked forward. He looked down. Asphalt, the drop, and dark water churning a few feet below.

Erwin studied the water for minutes, going over and over what he’d come up with, hoping the outcome would change somehow as the waves beat metal and his spandex tights soaked through.

But there were no answers for him there, and when his muscles started to ache, complaining about the cold and being scrunched up for far too long, he stopped staring and stood.

There didn’t seem to be another answer.

But, Erwin reasoned, there were still things he didn’t understand, there was still a chance that this was all a strange hallucination or mistake. Right now, all he had was a hypothesis. It was one that kept him up at night, that made him itchy with guilt, that dredged up unwelcome memories and ripped open wounds he had thought were closed, but it was a hypothesis nonetheless.

There was still a chance.

What Erwin needed was proof.

Quietly, Erwin stole into the bedroom. The lights were off, the blinds pulled shut to keep the room as dark as possible to make sleep easier during the day for Levi. Approaching the bed, he paused, watching his boyfriend sleep. A shock of dark hair swept over the pillow, Levi’s face turned down and toward the center of the bed. The duvet was pulled up high under his chin and gathered around his curled body. One arm stuck out, free from the cocoon he’d made, reaching over onto Erwin’s side, clutching limply at the mussed sheets.

He looked small, Erwin thought, for the first time ever. And cold, he chided himself, taking note of how tightly the blanket wrapped Levi’s body. His throat a little tight, unsure exactly what spurred him on, Erwin shed his clothing and put on an old pair of grey sweatpants instead, crawling onto his side of the bed and easing the edges of the covers from around Levi to slip underneath them. They were cool, Levi’s body barely heating them even as Erwin moved closer. He lifted Levi’s hand from the sheets, weak sleep-grip failing, letting Erwin fold his hands over Levi’s, cupping it gently. It was easy to fold Levi’s arm up to his body, to worm closer, to wrap an arm around Levi’s waist and hold him close.

Normally Levi would have woken long ago, pushing Erwin off, muscling out of his embrace and hurrying out of the bed, or he would have kept his eyes closed, only pretending at sleep, the different rhythm of his breath and the slight loss of pliancy in his limbs giving him away. But this time he slept, and Erwin could hold him, warm him, keep him safe for a few precious moments.

So small, Erwin thought distantly, Levi made such a small ball on their bed, he filled so little of his half. Erwin gazed at him, their closeness offering a different perspective. Dark lashes, thin skin around his eyes, creased and tinged dark as his bangs fell over his face. He wore one of Erwin’s old sweaters, the crew neck dipping low over his collarbones, the rest of the thing swamping him in folds of tan wool. It was a softer, more vulnerable thing, to hold Levi while he slept, to let Levi’s head find a place under his chin while his body unwound in response to the source of heat. Fingers smoothing the sweater up and down Levi’s back, Erwin closed his eyes.

Only for a minute, he assured himself. Sliding his other arm under Levi’s neck, careful not to jostle the weight of his head or disturb it, Erwin found a comfortable position easily with no need to see. Only until Levi was warm. His hand swept down the back of Levi’s sweater, reaching the hem and touching bare skin below it, the curve he knew well, where Levi’s ass met his thighs. Only until his thoughts were quiet. Breathing in the scent of Levi’s hair and the clean sheets his thoughts grew slower, the tension in his shoulders easing. Only until he could breathe. Reluctantly to let the moment end but embracing the sweet silence of irresistible unconsciousness, Erwin fell asleep.

He awoke with a glow of warmth, a hint of heady arousal, and a delicious pressure against his groin. Before his eyes could open he felt the brush turning to a press of lips against his own, his mouth opening without resistance on half-aware instinct. Levi’s tongue slid over his lip, finding its way into his mouth, drawling a rumbling groan of pleasure from Erwin’s core as he returned the kiss. His arms tightened, pulling Levi possessively close, and the force between his legs grew, Levi’s thigh grinding between them. He rolled his hips, adjusting the angle, letting Levi’s leg push on his cock and rubbing against it in response.

The appreciative sounds from his lover paired with the way Levi deepened their kiss, fingers tightening around Erwin’s neck and sliding up to grasp his hair was reward enough for Erwin to continue the shameless rutting. Waking to temptations as sweet as this, Erwin wondered how he could do anything else, and his hands quickly stole under Levi’s sweater, spanning out over the dip of his back and encouraging him forward, hungry for more of the way his thigh shifted and pushed against the growing hardness in his sweats. He took each of Levi’s deep kisses, savoring the artful flicks of his tongue, reveling in the energy of his passion, enjoying the sucking tug on his lower lip, the flash of teeth nipping it tender between stolen breaths.

When his eyes finally opened, Erwin wished he could etch the sight into the back of his retinas until the end of time. Levi’s grey eyes, lively and half-lidded with desire, the mussed bed hair rioting dark, rakish and sexy both at once, the teasing upward tilt to lips suffused with kisses and bites. His hand wandered down Levi’s back, running over the curve of his firm buttocks, gripping and squeezing roughly all to watch his boyfriend’s reaction. Levi did not disappoint- the surprised intakes of air turned quickly to something more mischievous as Levi rocked back toward his hand, clearly craving Erwin’s touch as eagerly as he gave his own. The hand that tensed on his neck, the other cradling his head, they pulled him forward, their lips meeting again, famished mouths seeking and finding anew.

Not able to touch, to feel enough of Levi in his fingers, Erwin groped and squeezed at Levi’s back, his ass, his thighs, trying to encompass each part of Levi fully in his grasp. The resulting rubs and insistent pressing on his groin made him breathless, Levi’s thigh sliding between his legs even as he clamped them together. No longer needing to steer Erwin into their kiss, Levi’s hands swept down his back, tracing heat in their wake and guiding a quiver along his spine that raced to his curling toes. They pawed at the elastic of his sweatpants, tugging them down with little care other than to get them off as soon as possible. Managing to free the tops of his hips but straining the front where the fabric caught on the curve of his hard cock, Levi’s hands stole between them. When his cock bobbed free a moan of delightful relief came from Erwin’s chest, swallowed quickly by Levi’s mouth.

Their rocking continued, the increased friction of Erwin’s hot bare skin and the brush of hair from Levi’s thighs over it making his groin throb and his heart race. As he tugged their hips together, thrusting whatever direction and distance he could, Erwin felt a telltale wiry rasp and the hardness of Levi’s cock, straining against his own as they pushed close. It all made him want to move faster, to build the heat between them, to clutch handfuls of Levi’s ass tighter and taste Levi’s kiss as deeply as he could. When Levi pulled away, one hand tugging in Erwin’s hair until it had enough strength to force them apart, Erwin’s breaths were choppy and rough with arousal.

“Are you going to finger me today, or what?” Levi teased, the low gravel in his voice making Erwin’s thighs tense with excitement.

“I wouldn’t dream of depriving you,” he countered, thrilling at the glint he sparked in grey eyes. His fingers traced the curve of Levi’s buttocks, his touch turning from covetous to adoring as he eased them between the pert cheeks of Levi’s ass. Sliding deeper, paths that sought over smooth supple skin and fine hair, they approached and skimmed over the puckered skin of Levi’s hole, eliciting a shiver that Erwin watched with heavy eyes.

“Shit-” Levi gasped, as Erwin’s forefinger pressed lightly to the muscle, stroking its sensitive edge. “I didn’t think you’d- AHHH-” his words were cut off by the cry that broke from parted lips as Erwin’s finger pushed inside. The edge to Levi’s voice made Erwin pause, but the way his back arched and the motion of Levi’s hips, pressing back onto his hand, forcing his finger deeper, were more than enough to urge him on. He watched in rapt attention, finger probing deeper into Levi’s warm insides, marveling at seeing his small motions elicit such a magnified response.

With no lube Levi was tight and hot, and Erwin moved gently, a slow but steady exploration as he rubbed in and tugged out. Fingering the edge of Levi’s hole, he pressed into it as he stretched against its resistance, easing deeper past his second knuckle until the pad of his finger crooked over the firmness of Levi’s prostate. The heat of muscle squeezed, clamping on him briefly, and a staccato breath sucked into Levi’s lungs as he pushed back onto Erwin’s hand.

“Erwin,” he panted, “Fuck. Your finger-” Levi didn’t bother to finish his statement, his open mouth forming silent syllables as Erwin’s finger repeated its slow journey, rubbing through his hot insides and back. Stretching Levi like this, slow by necessity, was a luxury Erwin seldom indulged in. As his own cock started to ache from their closeness, from the way Levi’s brushed against it as his hips moved, from the heat and want that knotted into him with each controlled thrust of careful fingers, Erwin wrapped himself in the awe of it. Every fiber of his attention was taken up by the twinges of Levi’s insides, the fleeting pleasures that passed over his features, the sight and sound and touch of their bodies.

“Erwin,” Levi urged him, pleading almost. Not knowing what he needed, Erwin pressed a second finger in, the ring of muscle slipping as Levi moaned over its entrance. With the pressure of two fingers running over his prostate, Levi’s hips jumped and his hands gripped Erwin’s sides. “Come on,” Levi grunted, “this isn’t enough. I want- I want,” he repeated the words, wrapping a hand around Erwin’s cock and squeezing for emphasis. “Come on, Erwin, this can’t be enough for you either,” he added, “you’re rock hard and I’ve hardly touched you.”

Suddenly aware of how tight and urgent his own erection felt, Erwin nodded. “You’re right,” he admitted, removing his fingers slowly from Levi’s ass, “I do want more. I want you. All of you.”

Moving faster than Erwin had expected, Levi was off the bed and fetching lube from their dresser. When he climbed back onto the bed he tugged Erwin’s sweatpants the rest of the way off, leaving the man naked while he pushed Erwin onto his back before straddling the width of his thighs and popping the cap on the tube.

“You’re leaving my sweater on?” Erwin’s brows rose as he teased, enjoying the sight of his old over-sized sweater swamping Levi’s frame and the way it bunched where Levi had pushed it up above his elbow.

“Of course not,” Levi snapped back, rolling his eyes but shaking his head in a way that held nothing but fondness. “I was cold, but I’m pretty sure I won’t need to worry about that anymore.” He abandoned the lube for a moment, instead tugging the sweater off over his head and throwing it onto Erwin’s face.

“…cold…” Erwin murmured into the folds of the sweater, reaching up to remove it from his eyes. Before he could pull the sweater away his hips bucked up, Levi’s chilly lube-slick fingers running down his cock jolting him to his senses. He pulled the sweater off his face as he watched Levi slather a generous portion of lube over the head of his cock.

“Think it’s enough?” he joked, wiggling his hips and watching his cock bob in response.

Levi shook his head, shooting him a look that would have been scalding had it not been mostly hungry. “Don’t flatter yourself,” Levi deadpanned, “I can take it.”

With the same confidence, Levi was above Erwin, lining his hips up, leaning back a little, guiding the head of Erwin’s cock between his legs to part the cheeks of his ass and press against his hole. He lowered his body onto Erwin, pausing only as the head of Erwin’s cock stretched and then pushed inside. Pressing down quickly, his back formed a long curve as his hands spanned out over Erwin’s abdomen, taking the entire length of Erwin’s cock at once with a gasp of pleasure. The sudden change- tight, hot, and slick- giving way to a fast rhythm as Levi began to move made Erwin’s thighs tighten, his breath catching in his throat as he stared at the gorgeous man above him. Taking him, urgent and eager, the fast, deep strokes grinding out moans and small cries, Levi riding him like this was an exquisite joy.

Already Erwin could feel Levi’s insides clamping on him, signaling each time his cock found and rubbed past the man’s prostate. Bouncing quickly, Levi’s hips slapped down against his own, each thrust drawing Erwin deeper, pumping more heat into his veins. His hands found Levi’s hips, fingers pressing hard as he held them to ground himself. So mesmerized by the motion of his lover, he was unable to do anything but breathe and groan and buck up to meet Levi’s strokes. Levi’s hands found his, easing his grip, moving them where he wanted their touch as Erwin gave him everything he could.

He guided one of Erwin’s hands down, the rhythm of his hips catching when Erwin’s fingers curled, running through the dark wiry hair at the base of his cock to tighten around it, tugging up its length. Squeezing the head of Levi’s cock, watching a clear bead form at its tip, Erwin groaned as Levi rose off his cock, almost letting it come free of his body, before letting his hips drop, the drop of precum sliding down into Erwin’s fingers as his cock pushed deep inside. Levi wiggled his hips, letting his balls rub and tickle against the golden hair of Erwin’s body. The friction where they met enough to make Erwin sigh, his hand left Levi’s cock, instead coming to rest just above it on Levi’s abdomen. He pressed down, feeling the firm muscle, feeling something else as Levi began to move slowly on him again. With a moment of shock quickly replaced by a wave of arousal, Erwin realized what it was- it was faint, but with Levi leaning back, hips angled just so, he could feel the slight bulge, its presence following the same movement as his own cock.

Looking up to see Levi’s face, pleasure written in the open slackness of his jaw, the dark half-open eyes, Erwin gulped down a rising tightness in his throat. His hands traveled up, tracing the pale expanse of Levi’s skin, over ridges of muscle and through trails of hair, moving up to pass his navel and spread over his stomach. The rough, fierce pace of Levi’s hips had slowed, the length of Erwin’s cock thrusting more slowly as his hands mapped his lover’s body. Pale skin under his fingertips, so pale, he mused, almost thin, almost transparent. He ran a hand up Levi’s side while Levi guided the other over his chest.

Ribs- Erwin could almost count them as his fingers traced over each- ribs he didn’t remember seeing or feeling so easily beneath Levi’s lithe muscle before. The flush creeping over Levi’s chest was deep, his own hand a stark contrast where it lay. Angrier, blotchier that he remembered, its tints sickly rather than the healthy coloring he loved building in his lover’s pulse.

As his gaze swept up, the tightness in his throat not moving no matter how he swallowed against it, Erwin’s eyes caught on the hollow of Levi’s collarbones. They jutted out, skin pulled taught over them, shadows dark. It was undeniable- Levi had lost weight, too much of it. And he noticed other things too, how light Levi felt even when he’d pushed his whole body down to force Erwin’s cock inside, how the muscles had lost bulk and definition on Levi’s frame, revealing the shapes of bones he’d never seen, how Levi’s breathing sounded shallower, his body too hot and too cold all at once.

He had done this.

He was doing this.

Erwin looked up into Levi’s face, the arousal he saw there no longer bringing him the pride and satisfaction of knowing he could create it, instead just twisting his gut, wrenching his heart.

“Levi,” he said, knowing what he had to do, “I want to try something.”

Levi’s hips had stilled, and he met Erwin’s gaze, listening with rapt attention. “Okay,” he breathed, “what?”

“I want you to choke me.”

“What?” Levi’s head cocked to the side, considering the request. “You’re sure?” he mused, clearly bewildered until a flash of something else crossed grey eyes, turning his expression serious. Erwin nodded. He found Levi’s hands, clasping them in his own and guiding them down to encircle his neck.

“I’m sure.”

Levi frowned, but it was a quick, passing thing. Small fingers pressed against his throat as Levi leaned forward, applying a calculated amount of pressure to his neck. Enough to make Erwin’s breathing more difficult, to slow him down, to make him focus on the act of taking air into his lungs as Levi’s hips shifted experimentally. A mixture of squeezing and pressing, Levi’s hands on his neck knew just how much force to apply as his body moved slowly on Erwin’s cock, the feeling of thrusting amplified and brought to the forefront by the breath play. Much more pleasurable than Erwin had anticipated, as he struggled slightly against it, each breath brought a sense of accomplishment. He fought against it, hating how much he enjoyed the sensation, knowing in other circumstances the pleasure it stoked would be welcome, but unable to feel anything but bitterness rising from it.

This was not enough. It was not punishment enough for all his mistakes.

“Harder. I want it harder,” Erwin urged.

Levi’s grip tightened, but only barely, the touch of small, skilled fingers still too careful and exact.

He would have to be clear; he would have to find Levi’s limit.

“Come on, you’re not even trying,” Erwin added, “I said I wanted it harder.”

Levi’s fingers went limp, his body stilling. He looked at Erwin, and the mixture of unease and sadness filling his eyes was unmistakable. “I don’t want to,” he whispered, “don’t make me- don’t-”

“Choke me,” Erwin insisted.

Fingers tightened, pressing on his windpipe, the strength flooding into Levi’s grip. Erwin gasped, even as Levi’s hands bore down, closing his throat down beyond comfort. Levi’s face hovered above, tight and unhappy, his lips a thin line, his brows drawn down as he focused on his task. Still, as Erwin fought for breath he found it, frustration rising with it. Somehow, he hadn’t quite found that edge, he hadn’t tipped Levi over it. Levi was still holding back. There must be something more to make him-

“Levi, choke me,” he gasped between hard-won breaths.

The change in Levi was instantaneous. His expression, stony but focused, cracked, a wail ripping from his mouth. Hands clamped down on his neck, finesse no longer holding them back as they crushed it. The dull pressure sparked pain, an unbearable strain on his muscles and bones, Levi’s strength inhuman. No longer able to gasp, no longer able to breathe at all, Erwin stared at the change in his lover. Levi’s head dropped close, his arms jerked, desperately trying to pull away, as though he was fighting to control them. But still, his fingers tightened, and Erwin could not breathe. He threw his body into it, the wasted effort to resist the command, rising off Erwin, shoulders straining. But still his fingers tightened, and Erwin’s mouth fell open. A keening cry ripped from Levi’s throat, his struggle with himself obvious and painful as Erwin’s body began to fight of its own accord, thrashing and shaking to try and unseat Levi. But still his fingers tightened, and Erwin’s lungs burned.

He deserved this.

The man above him was all he could see- dark hair tossing, then stilling as both their bodies gave up, head dipping low, shoulders slumping. Fingers tightening. Erwin’s vision swam, the contrast of pale skin and dark hair all that he could hold in place as his mouth opened and closed, trying and failing, the crushing pain in his neck numbing.

“Why? Erwin,” Levi sobbed above him, shoulders shaking, grip iron, “don’t do this, don’t, please-”

Please.

The word swum through Erwin’s consciousness, entering somewhere from the darkening periphery of his vision. It leaked through the numbness, slicing pain through his heart worse than anything he felt in his throat and lungs.

Broken words fell heavy on him from Levi’s shaking lips. “Please don’t make me. Don’t make me, Erwin. Please. Stop it. Don’t…”

Please.

Levi’s appeals burned and ached and flared new agony through him, even as Levi’s form spun in his vision, the image disconnected from his brain.

He had done this.

He was doing this.

No longer able to hear what Levi was saying, no longer able to see anything but a mingling wash of lights and shadows, Erwin began to fall into nothing and was powerless to resist.

Please.

The word seemed important, and it caught as it echoed in his ears. With titanic effort he grabbed it, willing himself to do something more, something to make its painful presence end.

One regret he would not have.

His vocal cords hummed, the exertion of using them making him cough.

“Stop. Levi. Stop.”

As though the words had been said by someone else very far away, someone who could do little more than make crude approximations of the intended sounds, Erwin was hardly aware he had spoken as he slipped into unconsciousness and the pressure on his throat vanished.

Waking to a pounding headache and the sorest neck imaginable, Erwin opened his eyes. He rolled over onto his side, a fit of coughing curling him into a ball as his throat burnt to a rasp. When it subsided, he quickly took stock of the situation. He was alive with what seemed to be only predictable injuries, deep bruising of his neck, a terrible sore throat, but nothing more ailing him physically. He was still in bed. Someone had made an effort of cleaning him up and had arranged pillows under his head and pulled the covers up over him- Levi, obviously. As he looked around the dim room there were no signs of Levi’s presence, and Erwin sat up, putting a hand to his forehead to stop the room from spinning more at the sudden movement.

He recalled the events before his blackout in painful clarity, going over them as his face set to stone. He had found the answers to his questions, all of them. But it felt worse, knowing the truth, so much worse than he’d even imagined.

There was no going back.

Erwin heaved himself up, gingerly finding his balance and walking over to the dresser. He put clothes on, not even looking at what he was choosing as he pulled on a sweater and pants. Barefoot, he walked out of the room, one hand on the wall for support, taking slow steps that led him to the living room.

Levi sat on the couch, facing away from him, fully dressed, staring out the floor-to-ceiling windows.

When he heard Erwin’s approach, he turned.

And Erwin’s heart broke.

Wet traces shone under his eyes, trails left down his cheeks from red-ringed and puffy eyes.

“Get out,” Erwin croaked, the words rusty as they stung his throat, “Leave now, Levi, and don’t come back.”

Levi’s mouth opened. For a moment, Erwin hoped that Levi would speak. He hoped he would protest, explain, plead, beg - something. Anything. But no words came out, and Levi swallowed down any response he had prepared, throat bobbing with the effort. Instead, he nodded silently, and his head drooped as he stared down at his hands. Erwin’s eyes flitted to them. Scratched and chapped, they were pink and raw, irritated and angry. Like they’d been scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed but would never be clean. Erwin closed his eyes, unable to bear their sight.

Levi stood.

Wordlessly, he passed Erwin on his way to the bedroom.

Quietly, he gathered his few belongings, putting them back into his beat-up trunk.

Silently, he left the apartment with his things, the door closing behind him the only sound heralding his departure.

Chapter Text

The rest of the week Erwin walked like a ghost. Barely touching anything, interacting with almost no one, everything sliding off or falling away if he even tried to get close to it. The hours had a life of their own and passed as he stared at the window on the train, at the sidewalk passing underneath his feet, at the monitor of his computer, and then the screen of his TV. But, like a ghost, he could not forget, could not let go, and flickers of Levi would well up under the cracks and spill over, bathing him in a regret that lingered and grew as it took up residence in his heart.

The first signs were easy to avoid. Empty spaces in his closet, like gaps between otherwise-perfect teeth, amid his button-down shirts and laundered suits, hangars where simple black garments had sandwiched between his clothing. They were easy to hide with t-shirts or sweaters, an out-of-season jacket, anything he could pilfer from other places to fill the voids. He filled Levi’s drawer with his socks and underwear. The tea he had bought that Levi liked was easy to ignore, easy to push into the back of a cupboard he never used anyway. Levi had kept the woolen peacoat at least, and Erwin was grateful that its shadow had fled from the coat rack by the door.

But those were only the first signs, the surface things that could be spotted by anyone. Much harder to ignore were the fleeting hints, the lingering signs of Levi’s presence. Those would creep up on Erwin, ambushing him when he thought he was safe, when he was sure he could ignore them, when he swore he hadn’t even been thinking of- but when they led him astray and set his mind going over everything he missed about Levi he knew the undeniable truth: he was never not thinking about the man. Not when he woke up in the morning, rolling over into space that hadn’t felt like his for months. Not when his mind drifted at work, his neck complaining as he stretched in his seat. Not when he came home, automatically boiling water for tea no one would drink.

Levi’s scent lingered in the pillows and sheets for almost a week. Each night when he’d pull the covers up he had to resist the temptation, had to turn away from Levi’s side of the bed, had to remind himself that he was the only one who was going to be sleeping in it and he didn’t need to leave room for Levi to slip under the covers in the dead of night. He would go to sleep alone. He would wake up alone. He would try very hard not to dream of Levi in between. The soreness in his throat eased. The bruises on his neck turned yellow and green as they faded. He would be okay.

He lasted four days.

On the fifth night after throwing Levi out, Erwin was doing laundry. Or rather, he was watching TV and drinking cheap beer while he waited for the drier to finish his work for him. When the drier beeped he got up, muting the television as he retrieved his clothing and started folding it on the couch. Not bothering to unmute the show, he folded the exercise clothing, paired his socks up, and gathered the rest up to hang in the bedroom closet. Putting things away felt oddly therapeutic, though Erwin wasn’t sure it really mattered which drawer he put what in or where he hung his clothing- it was all his after all. It didn’t last nearly long enough, and Erwin was left with a pile of socks in only a few minutes. Wishing he had just a little more laundry, a little something else to do, Erwin reluctantly pulled open the drawer to stow his socks away. Not even really looking, he pushed them towards the back, his hand brushing something as he let go of them- silk. Erwin’s fingers traced the soft, slippery fabric before closing around it, pulling a thin, wine-red tie from the back of the drawer.

Holding the tie up, Erwin looked at it, as though it was the first thing he’d really seen in days. It was dark, its color rich, its surface still crumpled and folded by the knots it had held the last time he saw it. Erwin breathed in a heavy breath as he remembered- the red tie wrapped around the base of Levi’s cock, a sinful decoration holding Levi’s pleasure back as he teased him, the red silk so close to his nose as he kissed the corded muscle of pale thighs until they bore the marks of his ardor. Bringing the tie closer, Erwin could see it clearly, the way Levi’s throat had tightened as he groaned, the bob of his swollen cock, the sheen of sweat that covered his brow and dampened his bangs, flushing pink over the pale and dark he loved so much.

The tie still smelled of Levi, and it smelled of sex, in a way that made Erwin sniff it again, bringing it closer to his face as arousal stirred instinctively in his groin, heating his chest. Before he could hold back his hand was already moving, slipping into the waistband of his sweatpants, brushing over his cock and giving it a perfunctory squeeze. It felt good, too good, the way he could almost imagine that his hand was Levi’s, that the smaller man stood behind him, and as he climbed into the bed, burying his face in Levi’s pillow, breathing deep and pulling the cover up over himself, the illusion was almost complete.

Complete enough that he could forget, for a moment, as he started to stroke his cock, eyes closing to the world. Levi’s tie brushed his lips, silky and musky, and he could almost taste the man’s skin, his hair, his mouth. Erwin’s hand tightened on his hardening cock, then loosened. He unwrapped a few fingers from his grip- Levi’s hand was smaller than that. With what remained of the fading traces of Levi he’d gathered around himself, his body warmed, his blood lighting aflame and making him ache, Erwin gave in. He stroked himself quickly, breathing deep, not caring about anything except the pleasure that welled up inside and chased the blankness from him.

It didn’t take long- the reoccurring thoughts of Levi’s body, his hands and eyes, his face, the expressions that flitted across it when they made love, were more than enough to fuel Erwin’s fantasy. They flooded over him, engulfing him in an aching pleasure, one that ran hot and fast, that pushed him quickly to the edge and made him gasp as the tightness in him snapped all too soon, ripples of orgasm accompanying his climax.

For a few moments Erwin hadn’t forgotten, he’d allowed himself to remember, and the sweetness was almost unbearable to leave as he came back to himself. Sticky and too hot under too many blankets, his pants tugged unceremoniously down his thighs, Levi’s tie crumpled in his hand, Erwin felt far lonelier than he had before. Not wanting the feeling to set in, determined to keep himself from thinking about it more, Erwin dragged his spent body from the bed.

He stripped the sheets, pulled off the pillowcases, tore the covers back and made a pile. Into the laundry they went, the last bits of Levi to be removed by detergent and fabric softener. A quick shower cleaned him off. Though it did little to revive him, it washed any imagined aura of Levi from his body, purging his skin with hot water, scalding the memories of Levi’s touch from his fingers. He opened the shampoo and closed it when he caught a whiff- Levi had chosen it. It smelled too much like the short, straight, prickly hair of Levi’s undercut. Using soap to wash his hair wasn’t ideal, but it was necessary, Erwin assured himself.

The only thing that remained to be dealt with was the blood-red tie. Erwin left that for later, waiting past when he’d re-made the bed with fresh sheets and stalling well past the time he’d normally turn in. Even then, as he dangled it over the trash can in the kitchen, steeling himself to drop in onto a browning banana peel and an empty mustard jar, Erwin paused. He did not need it, did not want it, he told himself. Yet getting rid of something that Levi owned felt wrong.

It was a gift.

His fingers clenched.

He had given this to Levi, and Levi had accepted it freely, chosen it even.

He had given so little- if only he could have given more…

If only-

Erwin pushed the trash can back under the sink, closing the door on it. Balling the tie up in his fist he marched back into the bedroom. When he got there he stared at Levi’s drawer, frowned, and made up his mind.

It went in the very back, behind his least-favorite pair of socks.

And Erwin climbed into bed a second time-

Empty.

Murkily, from the depths of a restless sleep, something prodded and tugged at Erwin’s consciousness. Surfacing slowly, the sound that had awoken him began to register. It wasn’t his alarm, but it was coming from the same direction- the dresser where he always put his phone to charge. Realizing with a bolt of clarity that he was getting a call, Erwin crawled out of bed and trudged across the room to turn the cursed phone over and see who was calling at such an ungodly hour.

Levi.

His body tensed. The short name displayed on the screen was shocking enough that Erwin the phone hummed out of Erwin’s clumsy fingers while he clutched desperately on air as it banged to the floor. It buzzed and rang on the hardwood, skittering around as he bent down to reach it. Finally he caught the thing, holding it away from him like a snake or a spider, staring blankly at the screen still insisting that he had an incoming call. An incoming call from Levi- unbelievable. Erwin did not know how many times the phone had rung, but he couldn’t possibly be dreaming with all the noise it was still making.

He should answer it. He could hear Levi’s voice, could talk to him, could explain all the things he’d meant to say, could make things right-

But-

Finger poised over the screen, ready to answer, Erwin stopped.

He couldn’t do this. He was the one who had thrown Levi out. It was the right thing to do. He wanted to protect Levi, wanted the best for him, wanted to free him from the shackles he’d created with all his thoughtless words. Talking to Levi would not undo the wrongs. Erwin shook his head.

He watched the phone continue to ring, counting the times, knowing soon his answering machine would kick in and Levi would not leave a message. Levi never left messages. He almost never listened to them either, and Erwin wondered if his curse could be activated merely by hearing a recording of someone’s voice; if he’d still be forced to do their bidding. The idea was bitter and unpleasant, and Erwin wished he hadn’t thought of it at all. It didn’t sting nearly as badly as the phone going silent in his hand. It didn’t ache nearly as much as when the phone stayed silent, screen dark and blank, no repeated call, no message left.

This time when Erwin crawled back into bed it was impossible to sleep, and instead his thoughts echoed and churned, each blink of wakefulness making him look over at where his phone lay, phantoms of imagined rings haunting the hollow night.

Somehow Erwin made it through the week and the weekend, doggedly moving on. The two excruciating days without work that he’d dreaded were numbed sufficiently with a combination of mindless daytime television talk-show reruns and a plastic bottle of tequila that tasted like gasoline. Worse than the taste was the pounding headache it left him with on Monday, one that pressed behind his eyes and made his head feel too small and the lights too bright as his body complained over being forced to sit still in an office chair for hours on end. He hadn’t bothered to take his lunchtime walk and the office coffee was a poor substitute for the café he usually frequented, even with the addition of extra non-dairy creamer that claimed to be French vanilla flavored.

Without warning, the ringer on his phone went off, and Erwin scrambled to find it, pushing piles of papers out of the way on his desk before realizing it was buzzing in his pocket. Feeling slightly embarrassed at the unprofessional gaffe and how sluggish his reflexes all were, Erwin regretted that the shape his weekend had took meant that he’d forgotten his usual ritual of turning his personal phone to vibrate. He stood, pulling the phone out, ready to silence it so he could continue his work in peace, when he saw who was calling.

Levi. Again.

It must be before his shift at the bar was beginning, he mused, wondering where Levi was calling him from. The last time must have been after his shift, he realized, and the late-night interruption seemed far less bizarre and disturbing than it had before.

This time Erwin didn’t war with himself over picking up the call. Instead he wondered what Levi could possibly want to say to him after what he had done. What could possibly be so important that he would call twice? So much of their phone communication had been via text, yet Levi was choosing to call him. Curious, a sense of longing overtaking him in a wave as he stared at his former lover’s name, Erwin bit his lip until it pricked with pain and he tasted the edge of iron on his tongue.

The ringing stopped. On its own- Erwin had not silenced the call- Levi had either stopped calling or it had gone to the answering machine. Erwin watched, breath held, teeth absently worrying the soft skin inside his mouth.

No message.

He let out a long sigh, collapsing back into his chair.

Levi had called. He had not answered. He had done nothing, and it left him feeling lonelier than he could remember.

As though he had never called at all.

Erwin made it to Thursday before he had to get out. Out of meetings, out of his office, out into the fresh air to shake off the jitters of burnt coffee on an empty stomach. Work was no longer enough to distract him, and the rising panic and dread were catching up too quickly. Rushing out at the end of a brainstorming session before lunch, holding up a hand to stop a well-meaning coworker from asking him any questions and muttering a hasty excuse about needing to use the restroom, Erwin fled.

Pushing out the front doors of the building, striding down the sidewalk in the direction of the river, Erwin took long steps. Stretching his legs, moving them quickly, almost holding himself back from a jog, he walked. Away from work, away from his responsibilities, trying to leave the muddled stress of things he couldn’t concentrate on behind. He stared down at the sidewalk, watching the cracks pass below his feet, losing himself in the repetition of their even spacing as the other pedestrians moved out of his somewhat manic path. Erwin knew the way without thinking, and his feet carried him to the bridge and down the stone steps to the river’s edge.

He arrived too quickly, stopping where the concrete ended, where grey, choppy water began. Looking at the water, staring across the river to its other side, his lungs warm from the fast pace of his walk, Erwin wondered why he’d even come this way to begin with. There was nothing waiting for him here. There were no answers. There was no escape. Only water, concrete, and a heavy sky, a world of unending greys. Erwin sighed, closing his eyes. There was nothing here. If he was running from something, this was not the right direction.

Erwin opened his eyes. Nothing had changed. He turned away slowly, the burst of energy spent on nothing, and began to walk back. There was no point in getting coffee. There was nothing to see by the river. There was nothing but work. It was a heavy thought, and climbing back up the stairs to the street took more effort, his hand on the rail pulling him bodily up each step. As Erwin reached the street, eyes trained on the ground, a few flecks of dark hit the pavement. Cold points hit his nose and neck, making him look around in confusion, not even thinking to look up until the rain began to fall in earnest.

As it spattered on the road and sidewalk, making people’s steps quicken, umbrellas sprouting, Erwin walked back. He could turn up his collar or rush under an awning, but something about the persistent fat drops made him keep going, right down the center of the sidewalk. Falling without end, soaking the streets, puddles already growing in dips and cracks, water dampened and chilled and plastered his hair to his head, dripping down its wet ends and sliding under his collar.

At a street-corner Erwin waited for the crossing light, ducking his head to avoid being poked in the eye by an umbrella’s rib. A hint of sleek black- his head whipped to the right, looking across the street. Straight, dark hair, a short figure, a pale neck, and before Erwin knew it he was stepping into the road, his dress shoe splashing into a puddle. Making it only a few feet before a screech of wheels and a loud honk sounded, Erwin barely acknowledged the car that had almost hit him, rushing through the confusion of stopped traffic to cross the road even as the honking and gesturing of angry drivers spread around him.

He mounted the curb on the other side, eyes scanning the people, looking for the familiar figure. He had seen Levi, he was certain, and as he looked, rushing down the sidewalk, frantic glances in every direction, he tried to figure out where the man had gone. How could he disappear into thin air? Just as Erwin began to slow, pausing to reconsider, he caught another glimpse. This time it was black jeans, combat boots, and he swore it couldn’t be anyone but his lover. Almost a block away, back in the direction of his office, Erwin chased after the figure, abandoning all pretenses.

His shoes splashed in the growing puddles, throwing dirty water into his gray slacks. Dodging people, he tumbled down the sidewalk without a single thought other than following Levi. Yet it was a strange pursuit, frustrating in ways Erwin had ever experienced. The rain made it hard to keep track of Levi, with everyone’s heads bent down it was almost impossible to tell where the man was. Even though the weather had thinned the crowds on the streets, it had made them less predictable, as people darted between overhangs and weaved quickly around each other, all rushing to their destinations. And Erwin rushed too, following hints, flashes of familiarity that tightened his lungs, that plucked at his heart. Winding down streets, taking more turns than usual, passing offices and restaurants and train tracks and alleys, he barreled on, determined not to let the trail grow cold even as the sightings grew fewer and farther between.

Soaked, lungs heaving, the weight of his wet clothing finally catching up to him, Erwin realized that he had no idea where he was. He had not seen Levi in blocks, had no clue which way to turn next, and was not sure he had a reason to keep following anyway. In a daze he walked to the end of the block, standing on the corner, letting the rain beat down.

His heart-rate and breathing had slowed with his feet, the frantic energy fading as he let the despair of having lost his quarry become real. His socks were soaking. They squelched in his shoes as his weight shifted. Looking up, the street names weren’t ones he knew, but they seemed ordinary enough, and he was able to make a guess as to which direction the office was in. With no other choice, no other compelling reason other than a vague sense of obligation, he took the turn. After walking another block he found himself on a street he’d been on before.

This was a street he knew. He stood in front of a corner store. He walked by it, passing three apartments. He stopped in front of the taco joint. This was a place he’d been many times, a place he’d paced and searched before. There were train tracks further down the street, Erwin knew. They were beyond the bar.

Oberon’s.

If he got to them without seeing the bar, then he’d gone too far.

Erwin’s throat was ash and knots, and he tried to swallow against them. It did not help.

If he kept walking, if he just-

Just- what?

What was he expecting to find?

There would be no bar.

No Levi.

There was no point in-

Something buzzed in his pants pocket against his leg, and Erwin was jarred from his brooding thoughts as his phone rang. Stepping up the single step and under the small overhang in front of the taco joint’s door, he pulled the phone from his pocket.

Levi.

Of course it was Levi.

Was this a sign? The phone rang. He was so close to Oberon’s, so close to where he’d first met Levi, so close to where he knew Levi had lived before moving in with him. So close he could almost sense it, so close his heart tightened and ached, stretched taut in his chest, pulled by invisible longing as it strained, as though reaching for where Levi must be.

The phone rang.

All he needed to do was pick it up. He could hear Levi’s voice. He could explain, could tell Levi why they couldn’t be together, could apologize for everything he’d done, could maybe even beg for a second chance, for a way to make it right.

The phone rang.

He could find out if any of the feelings he’d imagined Levi having for him were real or if it was all just an act of necessity, a farce brought on by commands and convenience. He could try something, anything. The phone rang.

As it was there was no way to know, and here Levi was, calling him, wanting to speak to him. He’d just chased after the man for unknown blocks through pouring rain. Surely, he wanted to speak to him. Or did he?

All he needed to do was-

The phone went silent, its vibrating rings spent, its screen dark.

He had waited too long.

Now there was nothing he could do.

Erwin held the cold, dead lump of plastic and glass in his hand.

It buzzed, and Erwin almost dropped it.

Levi had left a voicemail.

With trembling fingers he unlocked his phone, hardly believing what he saw. There it was- one missed call, one voice message undelivered. He called the mail box, holding the phone up to his ear, letting it ring.

The tone of the mailbox picking up, its click and automated voice made his fingers tighten. His jaw clenched as it connected to his messages. Just before the new message played he pulled the phone away from his ear, ending the call with the press of a button, his mind already made up.

He would not, could not, listen to this message.

He could not pick up Levi’s calls.

He could not call the man who he’d betrayed so callously, so unknowingly, for so long.

He was done with hurting the people he cared about. His own selfish desire for answers, for absolution, for happiness, even, was not worth killing Levi. And he had been killing Levi, he’d seen it with his own eyes. It was impossible to mistake, especially when he knew the signs, when he’d done the exact same thing to Marie.

There was only one way to protect Levi.

Erwin blocked the number.

He slid the silent phone back into his pocket.

Looking out into the street, rain pouring from the sky, spattering fat drops on the hard planes and throwing water over everything, Erwin stared at nothing. He looked at nothing- not stores, not buildings, not cars, not the alley across the street. Between the buildings, a shadow moved, indistinct and dark, blurred by rain- something whose form was oddly familiar. Erwin looked away, ignoring the involuntary chill that traveled down his spine.

And walked back into the rain.

Levi closed his phone with a sigh. Erwin still wasn’t picking up. It had been what- almost two weeks? Two weeks since he’d tried to strangle his lover. Two weeks since Erwin had finally given up on him. Two weeks since he’d been banished.  That’s what Levi suspected, at least, though the amount of time was hard to pinpoint, especially when he’d slept so much. It was hard to count time exactly when he’d floated between fitful naps and wakefulness, bouncing between nightmares and the harshness of a reality he hadn’t wanted to face. But he felt better now, in a way. He was less tired, more clear-headed. His appetite had started to return, too.

All in all, it was impossible to deny it. He couldn’t have stayed with Erwin much longer.

His body would have betrayed him even if his wretched curse hadn’t.

The certainties they held didn’t stop the thoughts from being painful. It might not be his head or his limbs that ached now, but there was something deeper, more vital  missing instead. Something hearing Erwin’s voice, seeing his face, or just being able to touch any small part of his life might ease. Levi knew it was desperate, but he’d spent a very long time alone, and he didn’t care what anyone else thought anymore. He mused, briefly, on how Erwin had been so persistent when they’d first met. Fucking ridiculous- now he was the one chasing after Erwin. It was downright embarrassing. But he had to do something. Apologize, explain, it didn’t really matter as long as Erwin picked up the phone. Just once. But Erwin was playing his past self too well. He hadn’t answered Levi’s calls. He had not texted, or left a message. And the cold, lifeless phone in his hand was proof of exactly how welcome he was.

Not that Erwin could have forgiven him anyway. No one was that good. Not after-

“Levi! If you’ve got time for fucking around on your phone you’ve got time for work.”

“Stuff it, Kenny,” Levi shot back, “we’re not opening for hours.”

“Ain’t much of an excuse, Sleeping Beauty. You were almost useless last week. And now that you’re not dozing 24/7 I’ve got plenty of shit for you to do. Easy shit. Things you can handle. Cleaning. Bar minding. Errands,” Kenny sneered, sidling over, his tall, lanky form skirting the bar and coming to a stop mere feet from Levi. He placed a hand on the bar-top, inches from Levi’s hip, and leaned even closer. Shrinking back on instinct, hating himself for the way his shoulders flinched, Levi grit his teeth.

“It’s good to have you back- Levi,” Kenny teased sarcastically. The warmth of his breath made the hairs on Levi’s neck stand up, a stale, dead smell entering his nose and settling on the back of his tongue tightened his features into a frown. “All. To. Myself,” Kenny mused, his rough voice itching under Levi’s skin.

“Sure. Whatever,” Levi answered, staring at the ground, hoping the flatness in his voice wouldn’t give away the tension beneath his forced calm.

“You know, Levi, you were spending a lot of time with that human. So much that I started to worry. I even started to make- arrangements.”

Levi felt his blood run cold.

“What was his name?” Kenny asked.

He closed his eyes, fighting as fear and anger began to bubble up, knowing and dreading what would come next as he bit his lips closed.

“Tell me his name, Levi.”

He lasted longer than usual, longer than he’d been able to resist Erwin in his weakened state. But he couldn’t last forever, the involuntary movement of his muscles, of his mouth and tongue as the answer was pulled from him-

“Erwin.”

Kenny grinned- all crooked, stained teeth.

“Idiotic name. Idiotic man. Almost as much of an idiot as you. Just a pair of idiots.”

“Erwin’s not an idiot,” Levi muttered, staring at the grubby floor, the fight knocked from him by how powerless he felt.

“Won’t matter when he’s dead.”

Kenny barked a laugh. As he eased away from where he was hovering over Levi, stealing his space, swallowing his air, he gave a broad smile. It was a self-satisfied, twisted thing that didn’t reach his eyes and made his skin look like cracked leather. It was like Kenny had been told what a smile was, like he’d practiced, but had never felt the emotions that would lead to its spontaneous creation. Deeply unsettling, it set Levi on edge as Kenny ambled away, choosing not to torture him any longer.

As he watched the dark figure retreating into the back of the bar, Kenny’s words echoed. Arrangements. Won’t matter when he’s dead. He’d known Kenny had sent monsters, spies, to the apartment, but he had thought that he was their only target. Was there more, things he was unaware of? He wasn’t at the apartment all the time, and his charms couldn’t protect Erwin once he went outside. On top of that, now that he was gone there was no one to renew them. There was no one to-

Realizing he still held his phone, Levi glanced down at it.

He couldn’t stop calling.

It was more important than ever, now.

He was powerless against Kenny.

But he could still warn Erwin.

Chapter Text

The journey to and from Erwin’s apartment had gotten longer. He hadn’t noticed it, the way it crept up, adding a few more wasted minutes to his life every time, until it was consuming the better part of his morning and evening. Where the time went, he had no idea. It was the same commute. The same walk, the same platform, the same train, the same schedule, yet every day it took more and more of him. The days might be growing longer, but they were spent in futility just the same. It didn’t matter whether it was light outside or dark, the commute was just as flat and automatic either way.

His feet still carried him, down the same sidewalks, past the alleys and corner stores, by the dumpsters overflowing with rubbish, past cigarette butts and ice cubes melting in a puddle of discarded coffee. Looking away even as he noticed them, forcing himself to keep to his well-worn path, Erwin didn’t bat an eye at the familiar shadows that lurked in the periphery of his vision. Always close, he could feel as much as see it, something large, something dark, something that liked to hide and slink around the bases of buildings, that crouched down darkened streets or in the shadows of underground garages, something that looked hairy and black. Something that followed. And grew closer.

Opening the door to his apartment, Erwin kicked off his shoes and dropped his coat to the floor, shedding his jacket and undoing his tie as he walked to the bathroom. He took a piss, stepping out of his slacks and underwear and leaving them on the floor next to yesterday’s. Once naked, a hot shower followed, the water not nearly warm enough even as he turned the dial up and up. He left the steam-filled room without looking in the mirror once, unwilling to face the pathetic man that lived there.

Wearing the oldest, most faded t-shirt and sweatpants he could find, Erwin felt a little less restricted, a little less like he had to pretend. It was time to eat. Then- what? He’d deal with that later.

Erwin didn’t need to read the directions on the microwavable dinner. It didn’t matter anyway- they were all the same- seven minutes and it’d be hot, fully cooked no matter what was in the black plastic tray. He stabbed his fork through the plastic on top twice and placed it into the microwave, keying up the time and fishing a beer from the refrigerator as it warmed. Popping the tab on the can’s top was a satisfying sound, and tipping his head back to take a deep gulp felt almost like a luxury.

By the time the microwave gave its final ding most of the beer was gone, and Erwin pulled another from the fridge before bringing everything over to the coffee table and turning on the television. He knew he’d be back for more beer later, but this was an okay start, enough to ease the beginning of his evening, enough to carry him closer to another restless night and dampen some of the dread that was already starting to poison his mood further as he thought of the upcoming weekend. Maybe he could take work home, or come in on Saturday.

Erwin flipped through the channels. There was a hockey game on. There was always a hockey game on. It was good enough, something he could watch while only paying half attention as he took a bite of meatloaf and chased the bland mouthful down with the last of his beer. He opened the second just as quickly, knowing he’d need it to get through the rest of the over-salted lump of meat that sat in the too-hot plastic tray he balanced on his knees. He forced a few more bites down, chewing mechanically, watching the players skate around the ice, wondering what arena they were in or even what teams were playing. Only able to get through about a third of the frozen dinner before his appetite waned, he put the tray back onto the coffee table, pushing it out of the way to put his feet up.

He watched the game without seeing, more surprised by the loud volume of commercial breaks than by the single goal one of the teams scored. Putting the television on ‘mute’, he sat back and drank his beer. It was something to keep him busy, and swallowing the cold liquid was refreshing in that it reminded him of what it felt like to enjoy drinking a beer, even if the memory of such fleeting pleasure was dulled by distance and time- perceived if not real. He tipped his head back, bringing the can up only to feel a meager few drops hit his tongue. Lowering the drained can, he stared at it, the vague disappointment at its emptiness enough to make his fingers tighten, thin aluminum giving way as the can’s sides collapsed.

Staring at the crushed can on the coffee table wasn’t enough. Watching the silent game beyond it wasn’t enough either, and Erwin heaved himself off the couch, heading into the kitchen in search of something. He opened cupboard doors, pulled out drawers, not finding anything that sparked any interest. He was out of cereal, and he’d drank the last of the tequila the night before. There was nothing in the kitchen but more frozen meals, a loaf of molding bread, coffee, and the dwindling remains of a thirty rack of beer. Settling for beer by default, he pulled a few more cans from the refrigerator, lugging them back over to the couch and setting them on the floor, not even bothering with the pretense of the coffee table and television as he stretched out on the cushions and stared out the windows.

Starting the job of drinking the rest of the beer, Erwin did his best to keep his mind from wandering. A sip of beer, a glimpse at the score, he alternated between that and the window, the glow in the night sky, the lit windows in the other high-rises. It was easier to relax if he didn’t think, easier to lose himself if he didn’t let his eyes stay anywhere for too long. The beer was cold in his hand, but the woolly blanket it slowly drew over his senses more than made up for it. He shrugged and shifted, getting more comfortable where he lay. The fingers of his left hand traced the top lip of the beer can, around its smooth edge and down its curved side. They brushed over his right hand, pausing to stroke the band of sleek woven threads on his middle finger. Plucking at its edge, tracing the weave back and forth, the endless knots that had grown frayed as more and more strands had fallen from it each day.

It was thinner now, the band looser on his finger, its pressure barely perceptible. It would be gone soon, Erwin knew, his brow knitting as he rubbed a finger across and back over its curve.

He had let it happen.

He could not stop it.

A sharp pain lodged in the back of Erwin’s throat, air suddenly too thick to swallow.

-THMP-

The dull impact on the window made him start. He sat up in a rush as a cold trail of beer sloshed over his hand. He strained forward, clambering on hands and knees to the end of the sofa and almost crawling off it onto the floor in his haste. The mix of anticipation and fear that gripped him was intoxicating, a strange rush that made him want to get as close to the sound as possible while the logical part of his brain warned him away. Were the flying things back- the ones that had plagued him and Levi, the ones that had stopped coming when Levi left? What did they want with just him?

Something whipped through the night, a dark shape floating in erratic flight and drawing his eyes with its motion. They were back. They had come for him. Erwin’s heart leapt, his body jumping at the chance for action. But instead of fleeing, instead of hiding, he clambered desperately toward the window, only stopping when he sat next to it, left hand and nose pressed to the glass. As he peered into the dark the thing that had flown by fluttered past again. His breath caught. It was only a plastic bag, funneled up by an updraft between the buildings, tossed this way and that by the wind.

The surge of fright waned. It morphed, making his lungs tight, the realization that he’d wanted the creatures to be back tasted bitter. He was disappointed when they weren’t, and it lodged at the back of his throat. He had wanted it to be something- anything. Something terrifying, something exciting, something to remind him, but- no. The thump had probably been a bird, its senses confused by lights and sounds, knocking against the glass pane.

There was no monster- only trash, only a dead bird, only nothing.

Erwin sighed, resting his head against the cool glass, his breath fogging where it touched. He sat for a moment, letting the feelings fade until they too were nothing. When his face started to get cold and numb from the pressure of pushing against the glass he sat up, standing slowly, retreating back to the couch.

The game had finished, but with the sound muted Erwin didn’t notice. He wasn’t watching anyway- he was drinking, and staring, and thinking about nothing, and it took his full attention until it all faded away into a fitful sleep on the couch, his left hand cradling his right, stroking what little was left of the ring.

Another day of work, another evening of nothing, more and more time spent in a listless trance- moving between destinations that always seemed further from reach. There was little point in going home, all Erwin would do was drink beer and watch television until he fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next morning to do it all over again. Still, he left work anyway, even if it was already quite late, the force of habit always the most difficult thing to resist. As he walked to the train station he ignored the large, dark thing that trailed him as soon as he left the office. It had finally taken to following him outright, not even bothering to hide itself as it slunk through the shadows alongside, bleeding its bulk into alleys and shifting through the periphery of his vision. The sense of gut-curdling dread it magnified in him as he caught disquieting glimpses of its form was better than the emptiness he felt when it was hidden- a complete lack of feeling anything whatsoever.

He had tried to deny the beast’s presence over the past few weeks, writing it off as coincidence or misunderstanding as it become more familiar. He’d seen it from his window in the apartment, and again at work, and for a while that was that and nothing more. It could be that he was tired, it could be a vagrant, or a large dog made to look much bigger by a trick of perspective- the excuses he’d made for it flowed freely while he was occupied fully by his sadness and loneliness overflowing.

Until the well ran dry. And now there was nothing left.

There was no point in ignoring it further.

Instead he drank, and slept, and dreamt.

In dreams, his emotions were overwhelming. The things he couldn’t remember, couldn’t bear to feel while awake, swirled and crashed around him, twisted vestiges of memories replayed through strange filters until they were almost beyond recognition. But not quite. There were themes, places, and of course, people he knew. People he could never forget, no matter how he convinced himself in his waking hours that their memories weren’t worth revisiting.

Dark, straight hair, pale skin, small figures that held too much fire to contain. So much fire that it burnt too bright, the blaze impossible to look at, brilliant beyond belief until it consumed its host, using them up from within when all Erwin could do was watch, overwhelmed by the knowledge that he’d been the one to light the spark in the first place.

He would wake up shaking, cold and clammy on the couch, fingers clenching the cushions below until he willed himself to release their grip. He sat up, not able to look at the blank ceiling, its smooth, featureless plane too much of a screen for the lingering scraps of dream to flicker across. Instead he stared out the windows into the night, as his nerves shook and the frantic thumping in his chest slowed, the buildings and lights reassuring him that he was awake, the visions had passed, and reality was back to being a series of straight lines and mundane details viewed from a distance.

Night after night the dreams came, cutting his sleep into pieces, wringing him out and leaving him exhausted in the grey dawn. No amount of alcohol could quiet them, and he would have tried something stronger, had even gone into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet to search- but the cough syrup he swore he still had was notably missing. Only bandages and medical tape, gauze that he’d bought and no longer needed sat on the stark shelves, and Erwin closed the mirrored door much more quickly than he’d opened it, not caring to look at them.

The dreams were repetitive and confusing, but Erwin knew on instinct there was no outside force to blame. Nightmares the incubus had brought were titillating and convincing, things with coherent plot that wound him up in them, making almost as much sense as a fantasy he’d conjure while awake. But these things were organic, jumbled snippets, thoughts demanding some sliver of attention, emotions that only broke through when his guard was fully down.

It was a Wednesday night when the threads of different dreams, the vestiges of unvoiced things formed a refrain while images condensed and took a meaningful form. Erwin sat in a small straight-backed chair, one of many identical ones placed into neat, perfect rows in the funeral home’s main hall. The muted lights, dark mahogany paneling, and the large all-white bouquets of lilies and carnations were subtle reminders of the gravity of the gathering. It was a place he’d been before, and Erwin knew exactly why he was in this place at this time, exactly who it was he was mourning.

This was Marie’s wake. Her casket  at the front of the room exactly how he remembered, the dread emanating from it seeping cold into his bones as he sat near the aisle, facing away. He’d arrived before the wake began, had done his best to help set out refreshments with shaking hands, had re-arranged the chairs three times before Marie’s father had gently told him to stop. After that he’d tried to stay out of this room, had milled around the atrium, not quite meeting people’s eyes as they spoke to him, his hand limp when he shook their hands and nodded. A monotonous set of instructions played in his head: say ‘hello’, they knew her too, shake hand, even if they don’t understand, thank them for coming, you killed her, accept condolences, and whatever you do, don’t tell them this is all your fault.

As much as Erwin did not want to go into the room where Marie lay, as much as he resisted her presence, it was inevitable: he would have to see her body. Knowing that had made the hours even more difficult as they passed and dragged their feet, a lull in mourners finally forcing him into the same room as her and leaving him sitting in the chair by the aisle. He continued his efforts to make small talk, all that he could stand when the tightness in his chest and throat wrung unsociable one-word answers from him and the hands of strangers lain on his forearm made it hard not to flinch. He didn’t deserve their sympathy. Marie knew it.

The evening wore down slowly, a brief after-work rush giving way to silence and introspection. Just as he had in life, Erwin moved closer to the back of the room, to the casket and what lay within, unable to deny its presence forever and knowing that it he owed it far more than he could ever give. He owed her far more than this.

Approaching the casket, Erwin wondered where everyone else had gone, how he found himself so fully alone in this room. Alone other than the silent flowers, the empty chairs, the presence of furniture and decorations that were cold and impersonal. He paused in front the large flower arrangement by the foot of the casket, the last bastion. Reaching out, he stoked the silky petal of an open lily. White- she would have hated them. She had loved colors, oranges and yellows were her favorites in flowers, vibrant and cheerful sunflowers or zinnias, things that looked like summer. The funeral flowers were too formal, each in their own place, a perfectly symmetric arrangement with a geometric quality. Marie had preferred the spontaneous, messy bunches of blooms stuck into whatever pitcher or jar she could find. The thought of giving her flowers like these made Erwin’s mouth taste tinny, his brow furrowing as he tried to imagine her reaction.

She wouldn’t have been angry, Marie would have politely accepted any gift, but her eyes wouldn’t have lit up either, and-

Erwin couldn’t remember what that looked like.

He couldn’t remember Marie’s eyes.

Instead, when he tried to picture them, he saw something else- someone else.

Grey eyes, stormy and cool, shifting with tones as subtle as the sky in winter, as powerful as the lake.

He stumbled forward, shaking his head to clear it, unsure why he felt such a sudden need to look into the casket. When he reached the open upper half he leaned over, looking down while his hand gripped its polished edge as though it might offer some support.

And the person who lay in the casket was not Marie, but Levi.

Dark, straight hair, pale skin, a small figure whose fire had been snuffed out. His face blank, features  sunken and tired, the makeup not quite enough to hide the shadows under his closed eyes. He wore a black suit, one Erwin recognized, the tailored garments in their finished form. They didn’t quite fit despite all the efforts they’d gone to, Levi’s frame looking smaller and thinner under the fabric than when he’d been measured. He’d lost too much muscle, enough that it made a difference, one Erwin saw not only in the extra folds of fabric but in the hollow by Levi’s collarbone, exposed under the open top buttons of the white dress shirt. Erwin tore his eyes away from the pallid, dead skin, looking back up to Levi’s face, trying desperately to keep the pricking at his eyes at bay with blinks as he breathed in shuddered starts through his nose.

There was no denying it. This was Levi. His Levi.

Exactly how he’d looked when he’d left- no, when Erwin had thrown him out.

When Erwin had discarded him.

When Erwin had abandoned him.

A well of emotion bubbled up in Erwin’s chest, a stabbing pain piercing through his heart as a sob ripped from his throat. This pain was nothing like what he felt for Marie. Fresh and raw, it buckled his knees and bent his back. He brought his hands to his face to shield himself from it, the clenching of his insides and hiccuping breaths shaking the spreading agony though his bones. The anguish rolled off him in waves, seeping out from between his fingers as liquid salt even as his forehead pressed against rough carpet.

In dreams, his emotions were overwhelming.

He cried, and shook, and gasped, his fingers pulling at his hair while his body rocked. When he opened his burning eyes between cries that wrenched hoarse from his throat, all he could see was red. Red on his hands, a long red streak on the back of his sleeve where he wiped it across his eyes, blood thick and shiny.

Levi’s blood or his own- he didn’t know.

It didn’t matter.

Erwin shot from the nightmare to wakefulness so quickly that he had no time to process the change. His body jolted upright from where he had slept fitfully on the couch. His hands held in front of his face, his breath coming in gasps as he forced air into his lungs like a man who had forgotten how. He blinked, mouth hanging open as he stared.

His hands- the blood was gone. His hands were clean, but they were wet.

He brought one to his face, fingers tentative where they touched his cheek. It felt damp. They brushed over tracks that fanned away from his eyes, down the sides of his face, his fingers already sticking where their edges dried. His breath steadied slowly, fingers still lingering on his face, the echoes of pain and shock from his dream ebbing as his racing heart calmed.

He almost didn’t want it to fade, the sharp urgency of the dream was more than he’d felt in weeks.

It was proof. Of- what though?

All this time he had spent mourning Marie, yet Levi had been the one lying in the coffin, the one who brought tears to his eyes.

They were similar, in many ways it was true. Surface resemblance aside, there were other ways they had grown together in his mind. But he could see it now, that was all it was, a muddling, a crossing of wires, a strange coincidence. It was not Marie that ultimately brought him to Levi. He had not been looking for her, not anymore. He had been looking for nothing, no one, had hoped for nothing.

But Levi- Levi was-

What was Levi?

The clarity wavered, his sharp focus breaking as the thoughts slid from his open grasp, their final conclusions eluding him and vanishing into the shadows of the dark living room. His hands fell limp at his sides, the exhaustion of his overwrought senses catching up to him and slowing everything down, breaking everything into tiny pieces and scattering them like sand before wind. Too many grains, too many to gather as he cast about, no longer able to remember where his train of thought was leading and how he had gotten that far in the first place.

If only he could reach them- if only he could-

Then… what?

Nothing, Erwin thought. That’s what. Nothing.

He let out a long breath, closing his eyes and collapsing back onto the couch cushions.

Even if he could understand it all, there was nothing he could do.

The statement felt final, his failure complete.

His realization was not one of clarity and hope, but one of despair, of his own utter uselessness.

With nothing left to do, Erwin slept.

And this time, he did not dream.

Chapter Text

Standing on the sweeping metal staircase overlooking the large atrium, Moblit pulled his phone away from his ear and frowned at it. Maybe reception was bad. Downtown, all the glass and metal, it was hard for signals to pass through to his old cellphone. That was a good explanation, a charitable one. All the others he could think of were bad: tragic, or pathetic, or some mixture of the two.

No matter what explanation he came up with, the fact remained that he’d called three times and there was still no answer. A tug on his sleeve made him look away from the phone, turning to see Hanji standing two steps below, a curious lopsided grin on their face.

“You called him, right?”

“Yes,” Moblit sighed in annoyance, silencing his ringer, “But no answer, only voicemail. Erwin is late and now he makes us wait.”

The inquisitive quirk to Hanji’s brows wavered, their hand pulling the sleeve of his tuxedo jacket tight as they shook their head. “It’s not like him.” The quietness of Hanji’s words made Moblit’s frustration flit away, replaced by the hint of worry he saw in his partner’s expression. It was unlike Hanji to be apprehensive, and it did not happen without reason.

“I haven’t heard from him in a while, either,” Hanji added, letting go of his sleeve and fiddling with the buttons on their jacket instead. Nodding, Moblit considered his next move carefully. It was his responsibility as the best man to make sure things went smoothly for Mike and Nanaba, so he should not cause them undue strife. On the other hand but he didn’t want to ignore his partner’s concerns, ones which he knew would be shared by most of the wedding party. Fingers and nails working, Hanji continued picking absently at the threads on a button that was looking increasingly floppy under their ministrations. The silence he’d let grow was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as his thoughts filled it. That, and if he let this go on too long, he’d be the one re-sewing Hanji’s jacket buttons later that night.

“I will tell Mike,” he stated, taking a step down the stairs to finalize the decision before Hanji stopped him with a hand on the shoulder.

“You should ask Mike… if he knows anything. And, Moblit…” Hanji’s face was grim.

“Yes, I know. I will ask gently,” Moblit assured, taking the rest of the stairs thoughtfully as he composed himself to deliver the news.

Mike was easy to find. At the center of attention and the hall below, he stood near Nanaba, hanging back while she walked her parents through the program of the ceremony. Everyone who would be in the ceremony was there: groomsmen, bridesmaids, even Nanaba’s cousin’s daughter tasked with the role of flower girl. Everyone had managed to be on time and dressed properly. Or, almost everyone. Everyone but Erwin, and his absence was becoming more and more obvious.

Moblit became keenly aware that while he’d been on the phone, struggling to reach Erwin, all the wedding participants had slipped into a waiting mode, a sort of polite milling about as they collectively agreed not to rush things. At five minutes late it had been fine, excusable and understandable, but as five became ten and then fifteen, the limits of this sort of patience were growing very near. It was now impossible to deny who they were waiting for, no matter how many times Nanaba straightened the lines of groomsmen and bridesmaids or how many shrugs Mike offered his mother’s quiet fussing.

Walking up to Mike with as casual an air as possible, Moblit took a place by the other man’s side. He took a deep breath. There was no way to sugar-coat it, and Moblit wasn’t good at that anyway. 

“I called, but Erwin does not answer.”

Mike sniffed, and Moblit wished he was anywhere but here, delivering this news to his friend, worrying over another friend, making everyone upset, and all with nothing to drink.

“Have you been recently seeing him?” Moblit tried to turn the question into an offhand suggestion, but it felt heavy no matter how he handled it.

“Yeah,” Mike nodded, “I talked to him on Sunday- but-”

“But?”

“But that was… not last Sunday. It was a while ago,” Mike admitted. “More than a month. And he couldn’t make the bachelor party either. But he said he would be here with Lee.”

Seeing a chance to smooth things over, Moblit took it. “I am sure he will be. Probably something came up, something last-minute, or important. Not terrible or life-threatening.”

Stifling an amused snort, Mike shook his shaggy head. “You’re awful at this, Moblit. But you’re probably right. It’s not like Erwin to forget.”

“No. He will be here tomorrow. The ceremony is… not so complicated. It will be fine. He would not miss the best friend’s wedding.”

Noticing that the room had gone strangely quiet, Moblit looked up from what he had thought was a quiet, subtle conversation as eyes slid away from them on all sides. Straightening his back, suddenly much taller, Mike nodded his agreement and voiced his thoughts a little louder than Moblit thought strictly necessary.

“Of course he’ll be here. Erwin won’t let me down. He’s not that kind of man.”

Tomorrow arrived and Moblit found himself in a frustratingly similar position as the night before. The red-tinted brick and marble façade of the distinguished old building looked more oppressive than Moblit recalled. It was simply impossible to enjoy its architectural value, its bold strong lines and its ornamented details when he knew that there were only a few minutes left before everyone needed to arrive and before Erwin was late for good. He stood outside on the sidewalk, staring at his phone, willing Erwin to show up and release him from the growing tension. The massive building hung over him, its bulk casting a heavy shadow.

Just as Moblit was ready to give up, to go in and face Mike and get on with the whole show, a car pulled up in front of the building, and the passenger door opened. The man who stepped out- was Erwin.

Moblit sucked in a breath, relief flooding his body as he stepped forward. Erwin’s back was turned as he spoke to the driver of the car service, and Moblit clapped him on the back while he closed the car door.

“You are here,” he stated, about to hurry them inside when Erwin turned. Moblit swallowed, his hand coming away from Erwin’s jacket on instinct.

The man looked like shit.

Like he hadn’t slept in days, Erwin’s eyes were puffy, the shadows under them dark. He’d shaved, but done a terrible job, a nick on his jaw crusted with blood. His hair looked better, clean at least, but Moblit was sure he’d never seen it un-styled before. His tuxedo jacket unbuttoned, the white shirt underneath mussed and not even tucked in, it had a semi-faded stain on it that in Moblit’s experience could have only come from wine. His bow-tie askew in a lumpy knot around his neck, like the cherry on top of a fuck-everything cake, every part of Erwin’s appearance screamed for help.

“Wh-where is the vest?” Was all that Moblit could manage.

“My- vest?” Erwin asked, looking down at himself and patting at his torso, as though surprised that he wasn’t finding it. “Huh.”

“It is not important,” Moblit recovered himself, dismissing the situation. He could do this. All Erwin needed was a little cleaning up. They still had a few minutes before they had to get into their places and start everything. This was fine- at least Erwin had shown up at all. “Come with.” He took Erwin’s arm, steering him quickly into the building and leading him down the hall to the men’s bathroom.

“I called three times. You give no answer. Yesterday, where were you, Erwin?”

“I was- oh. I’m sorry,” Erwin still seemed distant even as he responded to Moblit. He fished in his pocket, pulling out his phone and staring at it like he hadn’t seen it in days. Even Moblit could see that it showed his missed calls, yet a look of mild surprise passed over Erwin’s features as his thick brows knit. “I missed the rehearsal,” he muttered.

“Yes. You did.”

Moblit didn’t think he needed to say any more. There was nothing more to say. Erwin’s frown confirmed it, and Moblit let it go.

Dabbing at Erwin’s chin with a wet paper towel worked well enough to remove the blood, or at least to make it less noticeable.

“You stand next to me anyway,” Moblit continued, his tone softening as he helped Erwin. There was nothing they could do about Erwin’s lack of vest, but there was also nothing stopping them from just buttoning up his jacket and hoping no one would notice.

“It will be fine, just do not pass out,” he reassured, then thinking better of it he amended, “or faint, or be sick, or do any stupid thing. At all. Just do not. Please.”

Erwin’s nod wasn’t as convincing we he’d hoped, but Moblit knew it was all he was likely to get.

As Erwin tucked in his shirt Moblit re-did the bow-tie, taking an extra few moments to be sure it looked perfect and hoping it would distract from the rest. He caught another glimpse of the wine stain out of the corner of his eye and sighed internally.

That Erwin would show up looking like this- something was wrong. Very wrong, he decided as he stared at the shirt and tuxedo longer, realizing it looked oddly familiar. They weren’t new, and that wasn’t like Erwin either. He’d always had the impression that Erwin took great care of his appearance, but the vacant-eyed man leaning against the sink counters before him was such a far cry from the Erwin he was accustomed to that it was almost like he had come from some other world.

But there was no time to worry about things like that now, and the stain was hidden enough when Erwin buttoned up his jacket, and the bow-tie looked okay, and-

And where was Lee?

A grim thought arose, but Moblit ignored it. It was more important to get Erwin to stand in the right place and not fall over during the ceremony, and that was his job, and he was going to do it.

Leading Erwin through the building to the atrium at its center was easy- and walking down one of the many staircases to where they were supposed to stand took much less time than Moblit had thought. It was a good thing too, there was hardly any time left to spare. As they settled in, Moblit sneaking glances at Erwin to confirm that he wasn’t going anywhere and scanning the hall quickly, Hanji leaned forward from the line of bridesmaids and gave them both a thumbs up.

The enthusiastic grin on Hanji’s face faltered, twisting into a look of confusion as they looked quickly from Moblit to Erwin and back, registering all the same things Moblit had seen. Moblit held a finger to his mouth, hoping Hanji would take the hint. Luckily they did, and Moblit relaxed despite himself when they gave a stiff nod and straightened up, purposefully turning their attention elsewhere. Everything in its place with barely a moment to spare, the guests were soon seated and the ceremony began.

Able to finally relax, Moblit began to enjoy the things he’d been too harried to see earlier. The venue Mike and Nanaba chose was stunning- a hidden gem in the city’s center. The old building looked heavy and serious from the outside, styled with influences of many great architectural traditions and mixing the intricate geometric ornamentation of the east with structural elements of the west. Overly grand, its status as the oldest high-rise in the city would surprise no one.

Yet the room where they stood, an open, high-ceilinged lobby dubbed the ‘light court’ opened the interior, flooding it with mid-afternoon sunlight that streamed down through the glass ceiling. All bright and white- delicate latticework of painted metal held the skylight aloft, creating an airy effect- as though it was held by nothing, as though there was no roof at all. Around the lobby the same contrasts played out over and over- a grand sweeping marble staircase,  marble upon marble, gold design work of curling leaves and flourishes giving it all a luxurious feeling while the natural light tempered the boldness and softened it to something more human, more sweet.

It was the perfect setting for Mike and Nanaba- classy, sophisticated, and artistic. As Nanaba and her father entered, moving slowly down the aisle to where Mike waited, Moblit couldn’t help but feel a wave of emotion. She looked beautiful- the clean, modern lines of her simple dress hugged her shape, the bouquet of sage green and off-white leaves and roses matching the color’s she’d chosen perfectly, her short blonde hair styled in a romantic, feminine sweep. But even more stunning than her dress, or the flowers, or her hair was the smile lighting her face. Mike was a lucky man, Moblit thought, and when Nanaba arrived before them he was pleased to see a look of reverent admiration on the groom’s face.

Their ceremony was simple- succinct and thoughtful in a way Moblit admired and knew to be a combination of Mike’s unhurried ease and Nanaba’s grace that suited them both equally. They’d blended a mixture of the traditional and civil, with brief welcoming remarks where their officiant, a cousin of Nanaba’s, gave words of encouragement and sentiment unencumbered by some of the more laborious undertones he’d witnessed in some ceremonies. Instead the highlight was on love, the couple before them, their shared life, and their bright future together. Moblit’s chest swelled with pride when he gave his reading, the word’s he’d gone over many times a little thick in his throat. But it was a good feeling, one he was happy to have as he looked at his friends and everyone who had gathered to share their moments.

The only thing spoiling it, if only somewhat, was the way Erwin leaned on his shoulder. He was certainly able to stand, but that was obviously taking some difficulty, and it was impossible for Moblit to totally extinguish the anxiety he felt as Erwin’s weight pressed against him, swaying slightly when he adjusted his feet. Stepping up again to hand Mike the wedding rings for the exchange of vows, Moblit winced despite himself as Erwin rocked, stepping back into his place quickly and hoping no one else had noticed the telltale signs of instability.

As Mike and Nanaba’s voices traded lines, the vows they’d written recited in turn, Moblit couldn’t help but sneak glances at his other friend while he grew increasingly antsy. He was supposed to be calm; a best man was expected to help. But Erwin looked increasingly like he was going to vomit, or die, or both, and Moblit was no longer certain who needed his help most. Opting for a compromise between duties he straightened his posture, reaching behind Erwin to place an arm on the taller man’s back for support even as he fixed his gaze forward, training it purposefully on the happy couple.

It was difficult to enjoy the rest of the ceremony worrying that each time he let go of Erwin to clap he’d end up with two hundred pounds of friend tumbling onto the marble floor, but Moblit managed it through the “I dos” and the kiss with a strained smile spread across his set jaw. Each second turned from what should have been shared joy to an increasing sense of panic and dread as the whole thing dragged on longer than he’d remembered, his grip on the jacket of Erwin’s tuxedo tightening until his fingers ached. It couldn’t possibly be much longer. It hadn’t taken long the night before. Yet it seemed interminable, each moment stretching horribly beyond capacity as Moblit’s worry grew.

By the time Mike and Nanaba lit the unity candle his fingers had started to go numb. The short final prayer the officiant offered was impossible to follow as Moblit made prayer upon prayer of his own: please let no one notice, please let me not fuck this up, please let Erwin not pass out, please, please, please. Please.

With the couple finally pronounced man and wife, Moblit stood his ground as everyone cheered and clapped. Only when Nanaba’s arm threaded through Mike’s and they turned, walking back up the aisle among their smiling friends and families, did the weight begin to lift from Moblit’s shoulders. He’d survived. Barely. And following the bride and groom up the aisle, leading the wedding party, Moblit hoped the worst was well behind.

Photos were not as much of a nightmare as Moblit had anticipated- most of the shots containing Erwin were with a group and positioning him in the back worked wonders. They were over blessedly quickly, and Moblit was more than happy to join the other guests in the cocktail area where he could properly fortify himself with plenty of much-needed wine.

As he stood by the bar tables, getting his glass refilled with a nice red, he saw Mike approach.

“Congratulations,” he offered, “officially married.”

“Thanks Moblit.” Mike was looking longingly at the display of beer bottles showing what was on offer. He’d already told Moblit he didn’t plan to drink much tonight, and if that was the plan then they were going to stick to it. “I saw Erwin…”

Moblit froze mid-sip. “And?”

“And- I don’t know. Something’s… have you seen Lee?”

“No…” Moblit ventured, “I saw Erwin arrive. But saw no Lee with him.”

“Shit. That’s- fuck,” Mike swore under his breath, stepping closer to speak more quietly. “That’s two problems. One: Erwin. Two: what the fuck do we do about the empty place setting? Why didn’t he tell me?”

There was no need to answer. Moblit was sure that Mike had seen the same things he had, and probably understood them far better. Mike and Erwin had always been the closest in their friend group, and if anyone could read the man it would be Mike.

“I will take care of seat,” Moblit reassured, putting a hand on Mike’s sleeve and giving him a serious nod.

“Keep an eye on Erwin too, for me.”

“Yes.”

Mike shook his head, shaggy blonde bangs moving with the motion as he stepped around Moblit and up to the bartender’s table. “At least we made it through the ceremony okay, huh?” he joked over his shoulder, though the hollow tone under his voice lacked any traces of humor. “I need a drink.”

Thinking better of reminding Mike of his plans to go easy on the alcohol, Moblit figured he could let this one slide. Mike deserved it.

“I’ll have one of those”- Mike pointed to a beer, taking the offered bottle a moment later and shaking his head as he made his way back into the room to greet more guests.

A large mouthful of wine was almost enough to calm Moblit’s rising anxiousness. Almost.

Somehow everyone made it to the reception, the same room the ceremony was held in re-arranged into a head table, many smaller circular tables, and an area for a four-man band and dancing. It was difficult to appreciate the room’s transformation despite how seamless and complete it was, especially when Moblit’s mind was elsewhere.

He felt a mixture of relief and frustration as he sat. The relief was easy to place- he’d smoothed over the seating issues. Erwin was next to him and it would be simple to keep an eye on the man. His frustration was different, more complicated by far. Wine and time to reflect on his own woes had changed the earlier anxiety into a gnawing, coiled thing. It snapped and snarled over being tasked with babysitting an increasingly rough-looking Erwin. At first he’d looked a mess and sick, but that could have been an accident, could have happened to anyone on a particularly bad day. The obviously-inebriated man now sitting next to him, however, was clearly a product of Erwin’s own doing. Moblit cursed himself internally for not having thought to warn the bartenders not to serve him. This was exactly what he didn’t need: a sick and drunk Erwin to babysit.

Luckily Moblit didn’t have much time to stew in his self-pitying thoughts. Hanji, the MC for the night, hopped up, taking their place at the mic to announce the entrance of the happy husband and wife.

“Everyone please welcome, for the first time as man and wife, Mr. Mike Zacharias and Mrs. Nanaba Zacharias!”

The band played a jazzy entrance and everyone ooh’ed and ahh’ed, clapping heartily over the couple who made their way down the sweeping stairs and onto the floor. Nanaba’s face- flushed with happiness, and Mike’s hint of a playful smile eased some of Moblit’s worries as he remembered what they were really here for: celebrating his friend’s wedding.

The skylights above had turned from clear blue to a ruddy dark, the city’s night sky filling the delicate lacework glass panes held up by ivory-painted steel. A warm glow came from the chandeliers- orbs suspended on thin chains and encased by geometric art-deco frames. The brilliant, rich gold and white had mellowed with the setting sun, and the lavish hall felt more intimate, more close as the bride and groom took their places in front of the others, Mike raising Nanaba’s hand to his mouth for a brief kiss before they began their first dance.

The band’s playing smoothly morphed into a Latin beat, slow and sensuous, as the couple faced each other. They arranged themselves, posing with Nanaba leaning on Mike, her arms raised as he supported her waist with a light touch. They began to move, the wistful guitar plucking a melody that ran through their limbs, fluid steps easily following the steady beat that accompanied it. Moblit watched, entranced, as they moved around the floor, coming together, turning, moving apart only to join once again. Their moves were well-choreographed, the straight lines of their backs belying their quick, intricate steps. Perfectly in time, they brought drama to the simple, romantic background music, and Moblit could almost imagine the warmth of a summer evening in Cuba, the scent of flowers opening in dusk, and the honeyed flavor of rum. Moblit had never seen his friends rumba before, and when the song was over and the room broke out into enthusiastic applause, he wondered what had stopped him all these years.

As the bride and groom made their way to the head table and Hanji retrieved the microphone once again, everyone began to settle in. The band quieted, shuffling their instruments down to places they could rest while the night’s welcomes and speeches began. Born to play the part of MC, their voice carrying perfectly in the hall, Hanji started the night off and quickly passed the microphone on to the first of many speeches.

Nanaba’s father went first, emotion clear in his voice as he gushed over his daughter. Clearly still daddy’s little girl in his eyes, Nanaba blushed prettily, but Moblit could see the wetness at the corners of both of their eyes. Feeling a little choked up himself as the speech wrapped up, Moblit swallowed a lump of happy tension as the microphone was passed to Mike and Nanaba. Their speeches were simple, like their vows had been- each word heartfelt and intentional, each sentiment matching. When they spoke the room seemed to shrink around Moblit, until it held only two people: Mike and Nanaba, staring into each other’s eyes, as though their words of love were meant only for each other’s ears. It would have been deeply romantic if Moblit hadn’t looked over for a second to see Erwin drain half of his wine glass in one go. He winced, also noticing the cocktail Erwin had brought with him to the table and hoping the man slowed down soon.

Knowing he didn’t have time or attention to spare, Moblit turned back to the speeches, deliberately ignoring Erwin and hoping the problem would go away. The maid of honor, a friend Nanaba had since grade school, was speaking now and it would soon be his turn. It wasn’t that Moblit was nervous, per se, but this was the first time he’d ever spoken in front of so many people, and in English at that. He rehearsed his brief speech again in his head, reminding himself of exactly when and how long to pause, and hoping he didn’t leave out too many articles before his nouns. Hanji had told him it made him sound more heavy, and this was a light, happy occasion that he didn’t want to ruin with the thick accent he knew he’d be laying over everything he said.

 Clearing his mind of all distraction, trying to stop reaching for his wine glass and then putting his arm back down, Moblit waited patiently until the applause died down and the black microphone was pressed into his hand. It was slightly damp already, and he felt briefly reassured that he must not be the only one nervous about giving a speech. Standing, Moblit tried his best to straighten himself and draw his shoulders back, smiling as well as he could and hoping it was enough to convey the genuine joy he held for the happy couple’s union.

“Good evening everyone. Let us raise glasses together to toast the newlyweds. Do not have worry, my speech is short…” Moblit paused for a few seconds, letting the deliberately paced words sink in before continuing, “so your arms will not be getting tired.”

A smattering of good natured chuckles was more than he’d expected to get, and Moblit’s grip on the microphone felt easier. He decided to try his luck with the second joke he’d prepared, and gave a small nod of acknowledgement before delivering it dryly.

“I could make joke about it being like the miniskirt, but this is terrible joke for a beautiful wedding.” This time the laughter was more genuine, and Moblit thanked the cocktail hour for making him much funnier than he deserved. The casual part of his speech over, he switched gears, not wanting to keep everyone waiting. He turned to address his friends at the center of the table.

“Mike, thank you for being such a reliable friend for many years past and many to come. You inspire your family and friends to greater things.” Murmurs of agreement followed his words. “Nanaba, you are delight and joy. You make Mike the luckiest man and I hope you are not getting such a bad deal yourself.”

Turning back to the room and the guests, Moblit extended his words to them all. “We are here to celebrate you both tonight. We wish you happiness and health, love and success. And if all else fails, then plenty of patience and luck. To your future together- Cheers!”

Moblit raised his glass and the room followed the gesture, toasting the wedded pair. As Moblit tipped his glass for a sip, he couldn’t help but notice the rest of Erwin’s wine disappear, and he considered hiding what he was now sure was a glass of bourbon on ice from him before Hanji took back possession of the microphone, inviting the guests to give toasts. It seemed like a good idea, and Moblit sat back down to enjoy the pleasure of hearing other people talking while knowing he no longer had to.

The toasts were good, and Moblit enjoyed the words of friends and various members of Mike or Nanaba’s family as they imparted blessings and expressed their happiness for the couple. The atmosphere was friendly, the wine was good, Moblit was genuinely beginning to have a good time freed from some of his earlier stress and worry until he started to connect the dots. Someone would give a toast, Erwin would raise his glass of bourbon, the toast would end, and Erwin would drink. And he drank deeper each time, with increasing enthusiasm, Moblit found as he watched the scene in what felt like slow motion, a gnawing sense of worry and dread growing with each clink of glasses.

“Are there any more people who want to toast? Any more wishes for the bride and groom? This is your chance!” Hanji teased, waggling the mic as they took it from the last speaker.

Erwin stood.

Moblit winced.

Erwin swayed slightly, and extended a hand.

“I’d like to say something, Hanji.”

“Uh, okay… great! Sure!” Hanji recovered quickly, any uncertainty in their voice smoothed quickly over with hopeful enthusiasm as they handed Erwin the microphone.

“Thank you, Hanji,” Erwin began, and Moblit couldn’t help but feel his jaw tighten as he stared at the man standing next to him at the table, willing his comments to be quick and minimally embarrassing.

“Mike, Nanaba, I’m happy for you both today. I know how much you love each other, and you’ve been perfect for one another since the moment you met. I’m glad I got to see you grow closer and come to this point together.” Erwin’s voice was a bit slow as he spoke, and Moblit couldn’t find any fault in his words, but something about the way he was staring, out into the room and past everyone, rather than at anything or anyone in particular made his stomach clench on instinct.

“You’ve both been good friends to me, even when I was in a rough place. Especially then. I owe you for your kindness and wish I could have done more for you. I would have, if you’d asked…”

It was getting harder for Moblit to focus on where Erwin was going with his speech. He was too distracted by the way Erwin was clutching the microphone with two hands, holding it too close to his mouth, and the way he swayed gently where he stood, thighs pressing to the table then easing back from it as though its very presence was a surprise. He wasn’t sure what it was Erwin was getting at, if anything anymore, which honestly didn’t seem all that bad-

“But you didn’t ask. You asked Moblit, not me. And-”

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Moblit thought, looking quickly around the table, not missing the tension in Mike’s forehead and the way Nanaba had started to pick at the napkin at her place setting.

“-and I respect that. I- I know I couldn’t have done the same job he’s doing. I can’t. I can’t be that good of a friend, even after all you’ve done,” Erwin’s words were stumbling and thick, a tinge of emotion obvious in their strain and the way Erwin blinked. “I know I let you both down. I didn’t want to, you’re my friends, and I want to see you happy, so-”

Moblit could see the discomfort growing in the room. The glances people gave their neighbors, confused and unsure shrugs, quick forced smiles to reassure each other. He felt it too, the dread of Erwin’s awkward, overly-emotional and obviously-inebriated speech. He wondered briefly if he should stop Erwin as he continued to ramble, his words slurring and confused, their sentiment of pain obvious to all. It wasn’t a good toast for a wedding. He should stop Erwin, he decided. But then, would he even be able to? Maybe? Could he stand in front of a train? No. No, he couldn’t.

“So I hope you have that happiness. Keep it. I hope you enjoy that love you have for one another. Don’t let it go. Enjoy it for me. You have each other. Still. You still have love. You still… I remember… being in love… and…”

Moblit saw Hanji stand quietly and begin to inch towards Erwin. They moved slowly, as though trying to avoid spooking a wild animal. The gnawing in Moblit’s stomach grew, urging him to take action, telling him he had to do something to stop the runaway train that Erwin had become.

“-and I thought. I thought… I would get married, too. Back then. But that was stolen from me. It was stol-”

Moblit stood, swiping the microphone from Erwin’s hands, a screech of feedback filling the hall. He glared at Erwin, watching his mouth open and close as he blinked, like a fish on land struggling for breath as his eyes focused and unfocused. Shoving the microphone silently into Hanji’s outstretched hands, he pulled Erwin down into his chair as they both sat. Too focused on containing the disaster next to him, he didn’t hear Hanji’s words smoothing over the terrible awkwardness. Only the nervous laughter that followed reassured him that it had gone well. When Hanji announced that it was time for dinner Moblit could have kissed them right then and right there- at least there would be no more toasts.

Finally, Moblit hoped, they could all shut up and eat. 

Food was seemingly enough to distract everyone, and the renewal of the band’s playing improved the atmosphere immensely. Moblit enjoyed his beef Bourguignon and was glad he hadn’t chosen the fish. Yes, it looked fine, but the way Erwin had absently cut it into smaller and smaller pieces until they resembled little more than fish shreds and proceeded to push them around his plate wasn’t making it particularly appetizing. Tearing his eyes away from the morbid fascination of watching his companion’s dinner habits, Moblit instead turned to listen to the conversation at different parts of the table, more comfortable listening than joining in.

As dinner wound down the band’s music changed- the simple melodies turning jazzier and more sophisticated, the beat picking up. Sensing his duty to keep the party lively, Moblit left the table, walking to its other side to pause behind Hanji.

“Will you dance?”

“Oh!” Hanji turned around, looking up at him, and gave a wide smile. “Sure.”

They took the hand he offered, standing as they looked around the table. “Come on, I don’t want to be all alone out there,” they poked Mike’s cousin in the shoulder, getting a chuckle from him but succeeding in encouraging a few more people onto the dance floor.

Finding a place where they could face each other in the middle of the floor and begin to dance, Moblit finally felt the night improving. As more people joined them the band played louder, more lively music, one of the members picking up a microphone as they covered a variety of hits and old standards. The bride and groom joined them for a few songs, clearly enjoying themselves before they started to get pulled away by friends and relatives- everyone wanting a small piece of their time.

Moblit was fine with it, happy even, to see them moving around the room. It meant he’d done his job well, and dancing a lot more than he was strictly comfortable with was a small enough price to pay for it. That and Hanji looked amazing- it was hard not to enjoy the way their smart pantsuit looked. As they danced, Hanji’s long limbs moving, their almost-tamed hair slowly working its way free of its ties, Moblit smiled to himself. This was finally a party.

As the band took requests and switched up the styles, Moblit danced with Hanji, with a growing and shifting group of their friends, and even a few times with Mike and Nanaba. A slow song began and he found Hanji again, fitting his arm around their waist as they moved together. Hanji leaned forward, their foreheads almost touching, and Moblit caught the muted glow of the orb lights above in their eyes. Golden and rich brown, he also noticed the twinkle of curiosity that passed across them. When Hanji spoke softly, Moblit wasn’t at all surprised by what they asked.

“Are you still worried?”

Hanji didn’t need to say more, they both knew what Moblit would be worried about. Everything, usually, but tonight one thing- or one person, in particular. Moblit quickly scanned the dance floor and then the rest of the room. Luckily what he was worried about was easy to spot: Erwin still sat at the head table, and it looked like one of the bridesmaids Moblit didn’t recognize was trying in vain to hit on him.

“Less worried now,” he answered his partner, giving a small nod in Erwin’s direction.

“We could invite him out to dance?”

“Hmmmm,” Moblit hummed noncommittally. A snicker came from Hanji, and Moblit knew he’d been had- Hanji had just been teasing.

“You’ve done well,” they reassured him, and Moblit pulled them a little closer, enjoying the feeling of their hips brushing as his chest swelled with pride.

There was music, and dancing, and conversation, and cake, and Moblit started to indulge in more frequent breaks for water or wine. When they cleared the dance floor for the father-daughter dance, he was grateful to stand on the side, hold Hanji’s hand, and simply watch.

Nanaba and her father’s dance was a touching one- quiet and unhurried. Moblit was amused to see that father and daughter were almost the same height, both willowy in their build, both fair-eyed and blonde. The family resemblance was strong, and Moblit could see them speaking quietly to each other, trading smiles. As he watched them circle again, moving around the floor effortlessly, something else caught his attention.

Muffled words in a raised voice made his head swivel, and Moblit found himself trying to peer around the many-layered cake. Through the spaces between platters holding up its decorated tiers at different levels he could see at least one person behind it- he could see a man’s arm- and it must be more than one person with their noise level increasing. Slipping his hand from Hanji’s, Moblit turned his shoulders to weave through the people standing around and behind him watching the dance floor to get a better view of whatever was happening.

“-Erwin- I- I don’t know what you’re so upset-” The broken words he caught immediately made Moblit increase the pace of his steps. He recognized that voice: it was definitely Mike. Mike and Erwin must be behind the cake, and from the sounds of it they weren’t exactly chatting.

“Mike, why didn’t you ask me to be your best man?”

“I was worried about you. You said it was okay.”

Finally extracting himself from the guests, Moblit found a place where he could see what was happening clearly. Erwin stood in front of Mike, his hands clutching at Mike’s forearms, forcing them both to face one another as they argued.

“But we’re best friends!” The volume of Erwin’s voice rose almost to a yell, enough that everyone nearby couldn’t help but look over. Moblit winced internally, somehow knowing the increased attention would only fuel the confrontation.

“Yes. We’re friends, Erwin.” Mike reassured, but the stern set of his shoulders as Erwin grasped them was cold.

“Then why not? I could have done it. Mike, I want to help! Don’t you trust me?”

“Jesus,” Mike hissed, grabbing Erwin’s arms, trying to steady him and quiet him down as he leaned closer, “of course I do. But-”

“Then why? You’re just like Marie! Dying on me! And Levi! Leaving me!” The words burst from Erwin, their volume impossible to ignore.

“What the hell?” Mike shot back, anger beginning to take over his features. “Cut this out. You’re making a scene, Erwin. Calm down.”

“Calm down? You’re telling me to calm down?”

“Yes!” Mike shouted, and Moblit looked nervously back to the dance floor. The music was still playing. Nanaba was still dancing with her father, though her back was rigid, and it was clear she was making quite an effort not to look at them. “I’m telling you to calm down! Get ahold of yourself, Erwin. God, I should have known- after that awful toast!”

They were getting into it now, Erwin no longer holding onto Mike’s shoulders in supplication or to seek support. Instead Erwin pushed Mike, and Mike pushed back, the physical contact taking on a completely different tone as they stopped talking and started yelling.

“What?”

“That speech! I can’t believe you, Erwin! You don’t even show up to the rehearsal. You’re late to my wedding. Then you embarrass yourself in front of everyone! What is wrong with you? You probably came drunk-”

“I didn’t! I wouldn’t, Mike!” Erwin fumed, his hands balling into fists as the tone of his voice changed from frustration to anger. “You matter to me!” The bite in his words was poison, the way he glared at Mike an obvious challenge.

“Excuse me?” Moblit ran a hand over his face as Mike took the bait. “And you think you don’t matter to me? Erwin, I’ve always helped you! And I’ve never complained! Never! Not even when you ask for a plus one and then show up alone! Not even when you keep fucking up our plans!”

Moblit stole a quick glance at the dance floor. The music was still going, but Nanaba and her father had stopped dancing. They were staring, Nanaba’s father turning deep red with rage as Nanaba’s hands came up to her mouth in silent despair. He turned back to the argument in time to see Erwin rear back, wobble for a sickeningly long second, and throw a wild punch at Mike. It connected- though badly, landing in Mike’s ribs, its force making the man buckle.

“I’m fucking your plans up?” Erwin retorted, getting ready to throw another punch as Mike’s arms also came up into a fighting stance. “Everything is so easy for you- you don’t even know! What about my plans? What about me?”

“This isn’t fucking about you, Erwin!” Mike shouted, grabbing at Erwin’s arms, trying to stop him even as they struggled against each other. He was trying to hold Erwin back, trying to catch his arms as they moved, trying to contain him, even as Erwin thrashed and threw his body forward.

“Then, why-”

Moblit’s breath caught in his throat. Erwin swung in a wide arc to the side as Mike let go and stepped backward-

And bumped hard into the table holding the cake.

Moblit watched in horror as Mike’s footing slipped-

As his arm reached behind, grasping at something, anything-

As it found the tablecloth just as Mike lost his balance and fell backward-

Over the table, onto the ground, tablecloth and cake coming down with him.

There were gasps of shock and surprise. Everyone stared. From only a few feet away Moblit rushed into the circle that had cleared around Mike to help him up. He pulled him to his feet, wiping frosting from his jacket and pants, desperately trying to fix things as he saw Nanaba’s father pushing through people on his way toward them.

A hand on his chest stopped him, and Moblit looked down in surprise to see that it was Mike’s.

Mike took a deep breath and turned to Erwin.

Erwin stood, staring at the mess of smeared frosting and ruined cake, blinking before looking around, as though finally realizing where he was- and that everyone was watching. The fight already completely gone from him, the shock at what he’d done written large on his face made Moblit’s chest clench.

“Get out.” Mike’s words were dark and final. He stood, waving off Moblit’s outstretched hand.

“I-” Erwin’s hands came up as though burnt. “Mike-” He stepped back. “I didn’t mean-” It was like he was still trying to process what he had done.

“OUT!” Mike yelled, advancing on Erwin.

Moblit sprang into action, getting between them in seconds, grabbing Erwin by his shoulders and steering him back towards the wall.

“Get him out of here, Moblit,” Mike yelled after them.

He didn’t need to. Moblit would have led a dazed and confused Erwin away, up the stairs, down the hallway and back to the entrance even without being told. All the while he never looked back. He didn’t need to. Erwin didn’t protest. He was done. His outburst was over.

And the haunted look Moblit saw in his blue eyes, gazing far away into some plane Moblit couldn’t see and wasn’t sure even existed, only made the sourness that had set into his stomach worse.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled to Erwin, opening the front door of the building and motioning vaguely out into the street.

For a moment Erwin turned to him and their eyes met.

Moblit had never seen a man look so sad and hopeless- never in his entire life.

“So am I,” Erwin answered and left.

When Moblit returned to the reception he went straight to the small bar in the corner, not caring who saw. After such a long day and an even longer night he needed this. The glass of red wine made things a little better, and Moblit decided to head back to the table to rest for a little. The room had already somewhat recovered, and when Hanji brought him a slice of half-smushed cake on a clear plastic plate, Moblit knew the worst was over.

“Cake?” they asked, sliding down into the chair next to him. “Still tastes good.”

“Sure,” Moblit replied wearily, casting about for a fork for a moment before he noticed that Hanji had picked up a chunk of the cake with their fingers and was holding it out for him. He looked around, and seeing no one, dipped his head to eat the bite they offered, licking the last of the frosting from their pointer finger. He thanked them with a smile- Hanji could be a mind-reader at times.

“Mike’s already calmed down. Nanaba was the one who thought we should all eat as much of the cake as was salvageable anyway. It was the quickest way to clean up.”

Moblit nodded, taking in the information as he let himself slow down for the first time that night. He saw that most of the mess had been cleared- a tablecloth neatly laid over what remained so it could be easily avoided. People were still dancing, the band was making a spirited go of it, and despite the charged emotion of the fight it looked like things were turning out okay. Only Mike and Nanaba, he thought, only they would be gracious enough to recover like this.

The rest of the reception was blessedly uneventful. Hanji sat with Moblit. They ate cake, they watched, and Moblit enjoyed the red wine more than he could ever remember having done. As the night wound down Mike came by the table again. He’d changed out of his ruined clothes, and jeans with his tuxedo button-down was a surprisingly good look. He was with Nanaba, or rather Nanaba had her arm looped through his and was leading him somewhat forcefully to their table.

“Mike’s worried about Erwin,” Nanaba stated, and Moblit saw Mike look away, as though he didn’t want Nanaba to be telling everyone, even if it was true.

“Worried? You threw him out, you know,” Moblit droned, giving a light snort when Mike shrugged sheepishly.

“Yeah. I shouldn’t have though.”

“Why not? He was deserving it, no?” Moblit eyed Mike over his wine glass.

“Moblit,” Hanji scolded, hitting him lightly on the arm.

“He was ‘deserving it’, yes,” Nanaba finished, and Moblit stared at her, surprised at the frankness of the statement. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t still be worried.”

“And knowing the things Erwin’s done in the past…” Mike trailed off before switching the direction of his explanation, “When he came without Lee- or Levi? I knew it was a bad sign. Then he brought up Marie, too. It’s not good. I shouldn’t have gotten so mad. The last time Erwin lost someone important things got really ugly really fast and-”

“You should call him, Moblit,” Nanaba interjected, “Make sure he’s okay.”

Moblit sighed. He’d already been asked to do a lot tonight, and most of it hadn’t been pleasant. “Why doesn’t Mike call?” He looked at Mike, waiting for his response, but the tiredness and regret on Mike’s face told him almost everything he needed to know.

“I’m afraid he won’t listen to me.”

Moblit sighed. He nodded. “I’ll call.”

“Thank you.” Mike’s gratitude was clear, and Nanaba’s face relaxed, the pinched tightness leaving her cheeks as she also nodded. As they walked off, Moblit took his phone from his pocket. Before dialing he turned to Hanji.

“Worried about Erwin, huh?” he muttered to himself.

“He should be,” Hanji stated flatly, adding, “I sure am.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. A month or so after Marie died Erwin tried to kill himself.”

Moblit’s phone dropped into his lap. He stared at Hanji. They must be joking. But their face was serious; no signs of deception or amusement were reflected in its stoicism.

“Erwin tried to-”

“Yes,” Hanji finished. “Mike doesn’t like talking about it because he’s the one who found Erwin. And he’s the one who picked up the pieces. So of course he’s worried. Please call Erwin.”  

Swallowing, Moblit fumbled between his legs, fishing his phone from under his left thigh. He’d known something bad had happened, that Erwin’s relationship with Marie had taken a toll on him, but this was something he’d never been told. It all felt far too real, and as he dialed Erwin’s number he prayed the man would pick up.

It rang once, and he held his breath. Twice- and the seat next to him buzzed. And his heart dropped.

Erwin had forgotten his phone. He’d left it at the wedding. On the chair next to Moblit’s.

“Fuuuuu-” he began, the long, low swear all he could do.

“Erwin, you dope.” As Hanji leaned over him, swiping the phone from the seat, his mouth clamped shut. They looked at the screen for a moment. A look of intense concentration tugged at their brows- one Moblit had seen before many times. It was the same look Hanji got when they were trying to solve a particularly difficult crossword, or when they were trying to remember where they’d left their house keys. Moblit watched in fascination as Hanji swiped up on Erwin’s screen and tapped in a few different combinations, pausing a little longer between each before taking a deep breath.

“Here goes,” they muttered. Six digits later they dropped the unlocked phone on the table in front of Moblit.

“How did you?”

“I guessed,” Hanji answered with a shrug.   

“What did you guess?”

Hanji sighed and looked away. “Nothing special. Just an anniversary.”

Moblit didn’t ask more. He didn’t need to.

“So, who are we calling?”

“I don’t know- has Erwin called anyone recently? Has anyone called him?”

Moblit scrolled through, shaking his head. He didn’t see any calls to family, and none to friends he didn’t recognize. In fact, there were very few calls made or received that even had a stored name. He decided to look at the voicemails instead. There weren’t any Erwin hadn’t opened, but he noticed one number had left a number of messages over the course of a little more than a week. Scrolling down further he saw a heading for ‘blocked messages’ and clicked it. The same number displayed again, below it two blocked voicemails that hadn’t been listened to. He looked at the number, repeating it in his head a few times, before going back into Erwin’s contacts. Typing the number in brought up a name: Levi.

“‘Levi’- probably Lee, called. He left messages. A few- recent, too.” Clicking on the contact, Moblit saw that it was blocked. “Erwin blocked him,” he relayed to Hanji.

“That idiot. Of course he did,” Hanji muttered. They shook their head, closing their eyes for a moment. Moblit could see the strain of the night beginning to show, and when he felt Hanji’s hand alight on his thigh he took it in his own, covering it gently as he waited, Erwin’s phone still in his hand. When Hanji’s eyes opened they looked over to him.

“Well then, it’s settled,” they said. “That’s probably as good as we’ll be able to get considering the situation. Call Lee. Try a few times. Leave a message if you have to. He may be the only person who can help us, so we’d better hope Erwin hasn’t done anything too stupid.”

Chapter Text

The taxi dropped Erwin off in front of his building, breaking up the super-cut of terrible decisions that had played itself backward and forwards in his mind ever since Moblit has escorted him from the wedding. He lurched from of the back seat, grabbing the door and slamming it too hard after shoving an unknown number of bills into the driver’s hand, too preoccupied to care. The journey from the street to his apartment passed in a daze, elevator and hallway barely registering before he was back in his home, walking like a ghost into the kitchen. He was home. Alone, again, in the empty apartment with no one to blame but himself.

Erwin pulled a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water, chugging half before pausing for a breath. His stomach grumbled in protest, and he burped loudly, only feeling queasier. Another swig of water did the opposite of curing it- making his insides flip as he felt a sickening wave spread upwards from his belly.

He hurried down the hall to the bathroom at a run, his stomach suddenly a roiling mess where he clutched at it. Erwin barely managed to lift the lid off the toilet before bile rose in his throat. A split second later he was bent over the white porcelain bowl, emptying the contents of his stomach into it as he vomited. His throat burned with the acid, tightening on nothing as he coughed, struggling for breath while his fingers pressed hard where they gripped the toilet’s rim for support. Just as he began to breathe more easily, the sight and smell of sick washed back over him, prompting a second wave. More painful than the first, mostly water and alcohol emptied into the toilet as he retched and heaved, every last drink he shouldn’t have had coming back up to mock him.

Letting his mouth hang open, closing his eyes, Erwin hung over the toilet. He tried to clear his mind and quiet his shaking muscles. Weakly, he reached up to flush, grateful to hear the water swishing in its bowl, the disgusting aftermath of his binge vanishing. He breathed through his mouth, calming his frantic pulse, his body responding to the bout of vomiting as though he’d sprinted a mile. As he came down from it, letting his still-acrid spit dribble from his open mouth, the trembling in his arms faded. His grip loosened. He spit the rest of the taste from his mouth, straightening up and turning to the sink to wash his hands.

The vomiting had felt awful, but now that it had passed, taking most of the alcohol’s poison with it, Erwin felt surprisingly clear-headed. Tired, aching, and empty, but sober. As though he’d been emptied not only of food and drink, but also of everything that went along with it- things were clearer. He rinsed his mouth with water straight from the faucet, but spit it right back into the sink before he could even think about swallowing it. Knowing water wasn’t enough to get rid of the rancid taste, Erwin brushed his teeth, spending extra time scrubbing his tongue as far back as he could manage. This time when he took a drink of water it tasted cool and fresh, and he drank it greedily, sticking his head under the faucet to pull more into his mouth.

Turning off the water, Erwin straightened up. He stared at the mirror- at the reflection of himself staring back. It had been a while since he’d looked at himself like this: head-on. But after how he’d been at the wedding there wasn’t much lower to go, much left to lose. And he wasn’t surprised at what he saw. He looked like shit. Hair messy, skin ashen, his eyes were puffy and bloodshot, the shadow of a few days of stubble lined his chin. His bow-tie though- that looked great.

He shook his head. Pathetic.

But it didn’t matter.

Erwin left the bathroom and headed back to the kitchen to retrieve what he’d first entered the apartment for. He looked in the drawers, pulling them out and leaving them open as he went through them. He found what he sought in the fourth drawer. A knife, one with a sharp ceramic blade.

The knife.

He would be bringing it with him.

Erwin paused, realizing that carrying the knife outside would probably make him look like a lunatic. Even if he was a lunatic, he didn’t want anyone else thinking that. He didn’t want anyone stopping him. He searched around the kitchen for something to carry it in. A plastic bag was as good as he was going to do on short notice, and Erwin wrapped it around the knife’s blade, bunching it up to provide some cushion.

The knife secured, he headed back out of the apartment. Even though he hadn’t been there before, Erwin knew exactly where he was going. He stepped to the edge of the sidewalk and searched his pockets. First the ones in his pants, front and back, then his overcoat. Nothing. He patted the pockets of his tuxedo jacket distractedly, wondering if it was possible- but still nothing. Erwin swore, realizing he must had dropped or forgotten his phone somewhere. He’d just have to do things the old-fashioned way.

Seeing a familiar white and teal sedan, Erwin raised his arm, and hailed a taxi.

Erwin had the taxi drop him at a hotel by the river. He wasn’t stupid, he knew asking a taxi to go exactly where he wanted would be a bizarre request that he might regret. That, and he wouldn’t be able to get much closer to his destination by car anyway. Instead he opted to walk the rest of the ten minutes or so, waiting until the taxi had pulled away to turn down the street and walk to its end, taking stairs down from the upper level commercial streets to the residential ones at ground-level below. It was almost odd to be down near the river here, where the city was split into two floors, steel pillars and girders holding the streets up above while the high-rise hotels hid their garages, and trash, and maintenance rooms down below.

He walked down the block, heading in the direction of the lake and the double-decker highway that traced it. The tight skyscrapers turned to condos, cars lining the street. It was an odd mix- the hidden-away ground floors of commercial buildings interspersed regularly among a few blocks of fancy row houses in neat lines tucked aside from the bustle above. It felt almost like descending underground, and Erwin had to remind himself that this was the true street-level, where the land slept underneath stories of concrete and metal.

Here, away from the sounds of traffic, the wail of emergency sirens, the beams of headlights and the hum of the city’s endless utilities, it felt quiet. The shadows were darker, the silences deeper. Erwin turned for a moment, looking back the way he’d come, craning his neck to look up and up to the streets above. As his eyes swept down, taking in the underside of the roads and everything holding them aloft, he saw it. It sat hunched behind a cement pillar, its bulk larger than he’d remembered. But then, Erwin thought, he’d never seen the shaggy dark beast this closely before either. Its presence was heavy, pressing toward him, making his jaw tighten as he stared at it.

Even though he’d never been this close, it was still hard to make out its edges where it hid in the shadows. Other than the impression of great size, of a shaggy black mass, he had little more to define it. But the sense of sickly dread he felt when he saw it was more than enough to make him turn away. The beast had been following him for a long time now- too long.

It wouldn’t have to follow much longer, he thought.

Erwin fixed his gaze on the street in front of him. Not ignoring the creature, exactly, just putting it aside for a few minutes, he continued his walk. It was quiet- under downtown. Small trees lined the street, open courtyards between the buildings full of hedges and grass. Even though it was dark, the houses looked welcoming, and Erwin could almost imagine bulbs just beginning to push up in the garden beds. It was strange to see this small oasis, streetlights cheerful, brick buildings warm and clean, especially when the road ended abruptly, a chain-link fence blocking his path. There were signs on the fence, warning him to stay away, their black and red letters screaming about danger and trespassing.

But Erwin could see the glow of lights on the double-level overpass beyond the construction lot, and he had come too far to turn back now. A few cheap signs weren’t going to be enough to dissuade him, and Erwin put the knife into the back of his belt, taking a deep breath before sticking one shoe into the chain-link fence and pulling himself up it. It wasn’t tall, and it was easy for Erwin to grab the bar at its top, to lift his leg high and avoid the twisted-off metal wires as he slung himself over it. He dropped to the dirt on the other side, brushing his hands off on his tuxedo pants, and walked deeper into the abandoned lot.

It hadn’t always been abandoned. Erwin had heard about what they had planned to build here once- before the housing market went to shit and the economy nose-dived. There was going to be a tower. A massive skyscraper, more than a hundred floors tall, had been planned. A famous architect had designed it to be a jewel in the city’s expanding skyline, a crowning achievement of ambition and engineering. They’d dug the hole, laid the foundations down many floors deep into the reclaimed land and then-

Nothing.

Erwin walked across the lot, noting the scrubby bushes and weeds, the volunteers to the landscape that had sprung up in the years that the site had lain forgotten. A few had turned into small trees in the time that had passed, left alone to grow where no one would bother them, where no one cared anymore. It didn’t matter to the plants that nothing had ever been done with those grand architectural plans. They didn’t know what a joke the project had become, what a disappointment they represented.

There would never be a tower.

Instead, in the lot’s center, there was only a pit.

There was another fence around the perfectly round hole. It traced a large circle, larger than Erwin had expected, and he walked its perimeter, not sure exactly what he was seeking. As he paced, looking through the plastic-threaded fence to the other side of the hole, he caught passing glimpses of black shaggy hair, a lumbering gait- the beast. He ignored it. The beast could wait.

He wanted to look down, to see the bones of the structure, the hanging wires and rebar exposed. He wanted to see what was at its bottom- if anything. It wasn’t that the fence was difficult to cross- this one was much shorter, it had no sharp wires at its top, and it wasn’t even continuous- instead made of modular sections pushed together into a circle. But it was still a barrier, one that held something back in Erwin as his fingers traced the cold metal.

A low growl made his feet stop their restless tread. The hair on the back of his neck rose with the sound, one that scraped and gurgled, both metallic and somehow oily. Erwin knew where it had come from. He knew the beast that followed had made it. He knew that he probably had very little time left before it confronted him, and Erwin collected himself.

He would do this on his own terms.

He grabbed the rail at the edge of one section of fence, tugging it up and dragging it until a space large enough to fit his body through opened. He slid between the sections of fence, grunting as he forced them apart, his overcoat catching on a wire. It held him back, and Erwin struggled against it, groping blindly for where it was caught and jerking his shoulders until it ripped. Freeing himself, Erwin stumbled forward and regained his balance, straightening up to stand little more than a foot from the pit’s edge.

He inched forward, steps shuffling and small, feeling out the ground until the toes of his shoes were even with where the land dropped away. He looked out, across the hole, taking in its edge, a bent tree sagging into it from the other side, the fence forming a ring that shielded it from everything that lay beyond. Though it was night, the city lights were more than enough to see by, and they lit the debris and trash that had fallen into the pit- catching on exposed wires, held up by plastic pipes and metal bar. Decaying leaves that had blown in over the years, the stark white of a plastic bag caught where it fluttered weakly- the pit was messier than he’d expected.

On top of that, it was deeper too. It yawned open, dropping down more feet than he could count, the skeleton of at least four floors visible before the rest was swallowed up by water. There was no way to know how deep the hole truly was, its bottom flooded and filled by rain, left stagnant and dark, its smooth surface impenetrable, the reflected illusion of sunken floors above retreating below.

It was bizarre, to see such a massive construction abandoned and left to rot, hidden in such a superficial manner. Nothing but a flimsy fence separated this open wound from the city- yet it continued on, blissfully unaware. It was as though everyone simply agreed not to see what was right under their noses. And somehow, Erwin thought, it was exactly what he’d been looking for. A place like this could swallow him up, accept his tired body and his numb mind, take all the pain that lingered and festered.

Like he’d taken it all from Marie.

Her pain had been far worse than his own. A parade of confused doctors, difficult medications, experimental treatments, and all for nothing. She’d died anyway. Slipped through his fingers no matter how hard he tried to hold her. No- because he’d tried to hold her so tight- that was why she had died. He’d seen how hard it was for her, how much she suffered, and he’d still had no remorse, he hadn’t let her give up no matter how desperately she’d wanted to. He’d forced her to return to the doctors, to try anything they suggested, to endure agonies he could never have shouldered.

And life went on. Unforgiving. Uncaring.

And his pain- it was less than he deserved for what he’d done.

Erwin looked down into the pit.

And he felt nothing.

He eased the knife from the waistband of his pants, unwrapping the plastic bag from its blade.

It was sharp; its white blade was cold. Like bone.

Erwin remembered it, lying on the kitchen floor where Marie had dropped it.

He remembered it clattering to the tile, laced in blood from his hand.

He remembered it- sticking from the cupboard drawer, lodged deep enough into the wood to split it.

That time, it had almost-

Almost.

But- it hadn’t.

Somehow, it hadn’t.

He blinked, focusing on the knife’s tip, taking in its dull glow against the backdrop of the bottomless pit’s gaping maw.

And instead of pain, or numbness, or loneliness, or regret, or the nothing he’d grown so used to, Erwin felt a glimmer of something.

When Levi had thrown the knife, he had missed. On purpose. Erwin knew it. He couldn’t explain how, but he could feel it in his bones. Though Levi had been compelled by the command, unable to resist it, he’d done what he could to avoid hurting Erwin. And it had been enough.

With the realization, the something that blossomed in Erwin flared. He began to remember more, times he was certain that Levi had acted of his own will. The museum date- Levi had steered them away to safer exhibits. The incubus that Levi had killed with little more than his bare hands- Erwin had been asleep when that happened; there was no chance to give an order or command. And the garden. It was a special place, one Erwin had never asked to see. Levi had shared it with him. Levi had trusted him, cared for him enough to do that. These were not the actions of a man who hated him, who was forced to pretend he cared.

These things had been genuine.

They were all Levi. Every awkward, fierce, and somehow sweet part of him.

Erwin took a deep breath, warmth filling his chest as he finally placed the emotion he was feeling- it was hope.

His grip on the knife’s hilt tightened.

Levi was still alive.

So, there was still a chance.

If he could find him and help him, if he could right even some tiny portion of his wrongs-

Then it would be worth living.

Erwin looked down into the hole, down at the reflection of lights on the glassy surface of its water below, and raised his arm and the knife above his head. With a powerful swing he brought his arm down, opening his hand as it pointed straight into the pit, flinging the knife into its depths.

It vanished far below with a quiet plup, sliding into the water, its bone-white blade winking out of view as soon as it breached the surface.

And Erwin felt more solid, more real than he had for weeks as he turned his back to it and all the bad memories it held, squeezing himself back through the fence, and squaring his shoulders to face the world he’d held at bay too long.

Erwin was done running.

He looked around, scanning the lot for the beast that had followed him, taking a few steps into the bare openness of the construction site. A sound stopped him, its hollow rumble making him turn to his right. The beast was visible through slits in the fence, a dark shape stalking the perimeter. It must have been watching, biding its time on the other side, waiting for Erwin. It grew closer, its pace measured, slow, inevitable steps bringing it ever-nearer.

Watching. Following. Hunting.

But Erwin was done with being chased.

He frowned at the beast, staring directly at it, willing it to come closer, to break from the shadow of the fence, to show itself.

And still, the beast hung back, its approach on no one’s terms but its own.

A frustrated breath escaped Erwin’s nose. This was unacceptable. After everything he had done wrong. His fingers clenching into fists. It was insulting. After everyone he had hurt. His jaw tightened. It was pathetic. After he had forced himself to wallow at the bottom of everything and found that it was just as meaningless and useless as he’d always dreaded. His feet moved, sure steps carrying him forward.

This would not stand.

Erwin would find a path, even if it meant carving it through the earth itself.

“You, Beast-” He called to the thing, voice ringing rising into the night, ringing off the buildings, “You’ve been following me.”

From the shadows, from the alleys, sliding around the edges, and thriving in the dark.

“Well, here I am!” He yelled. The beast’s bulk shifted, pulling it from the slim shade of the fence, its purposeful movement coming to a halt.

Twenty feet from the beast, Erwin stopped. He stood, sizing it up, getting a good look at it in the diffuse light of the pale moon and the orangey streetlights that passed for night in the city. It was huge, larger than he’d even guessed. If it resembled any animal at all under the thick, matted and gnarled hair it was most like a bear. It’s shoulders wide, its four legs solid and thick, the tips of wicked claws were visible at the ends of its paws. For all its weight and size, the thing that struck Erwin most of all about its presence was not physical at all.

Instead, it was its smell.

Sickly and sour, he wrinkled his nose as the wind shifted and its stench wafted over him. He gagged, coughing on the rancid odor, wondering how he had managed to ignore something that smelled so terrible for so long. The odor clung to his nostrils, filling them as he stared it down- and Erwin’s stomach began to protest again, a wave of the alcohol-induced nausea coming quickly to mind. As he brought a hand up to cover his nose and mouth, he paused, something clicking into place in his mind.

The beast did not smell like any animal at all.

Instead, it smelled like death, like sadness, like fear.

He forced his hand down, his eyes narrowing at the creature that stood before him.

“Did you come for my life?” He asked it, glaring a challenge into eyes so black they swallowed all light that entered, reflecting none back.

“Because you can’t have it. I need it to-”

No.

The word cut him off, scraping through his senses, setting his teeth on edge.

Not your life.

Erwin didn’t have time to wonder about the beast’s booming words, rumbling from no mouth, reaching him through a path other than his ears.

“Then come!” He replied, “I’m ready. Take what you’ve come for. Rip out my lungs! Bite through my throat! Break my bones- I don’t care!” 

Erwin shifted his weight, spreading his feet further and bending his knees, trying to get his center of gravity closer to the earth as he brought his forearms up in front of his face. He knew he was outmatched, the beast was gigantic, and no number of trips to the gym would have prepared him to fight it. But it didn’t matter- he had to do something, for Levi, for himself, and if the beast didn’t mean to kill him, then-

“Come at me!” He shouted, “I’m ready-”

Fool. The beast’s voice echoed, cutting him off. A crackling laugh in his head made him shiver. Then, it moved.

A blur of hair and claws- it launched forward. Closing the gap in seconds, its bulk moved with astonishing speed. Its weight hit his arms, then his chest, pushing him back. For a moment Erwin resisted, holding the beast off, throwing his shoulders into it. Knees bending, feet digging into the dirt, he strained. Then a dark limb swept in from his right, catching him low on his side and throwing him to the ground.

Erwin fell. His arms came up reflexively to shield his head. With a jolt he hit dirt and gravel. Small stones pressed into his cheek, rubbing it raw where his arm couldn’t cover, his hips and knee banging down. Finding himself thrown so quickly was a shock, but he pulled his focus together. He could not stop now. Erwin knew that much. He rolled, the beast’s claws sweeping where he’d been seconds before.

Given the few moments before the creature could stop the follow-through of its paw, he got onto his knees. With little time to think, Erwin took the most aggressive position he could think of. Hands on the ground, he lifted his hips, crouching on the balls of his feet. Like a sprinter at the starting line, he looked up. Pushing hard away from the ground, willing the force of his legs into forward momentum, he launched himself at the beast’s side.

At point-blank range the explosive start of his sprint had barely begun when Erwin lowered his shoulders and barreled into his opponent. He hit fur, and hair, and then a solid wall of muscle. Forcing further, already gasping at its smell as his hands grabbed at matted fur and his thighs strained, Erwin pushed. He’d hit it somewhere behind the beast’s front legs, and it groaned a pained response. Gaining a little ground, he felt its bulk shift. He’d forced it back, off-balance, and Erwin quickly stepped back, squaring his shoulders and regaining his stance. Getting ready to charge forward again, a thought flashed through his mind.

He had no weapon.

He’d thrown away the only thing that could serve as one- the cursed knife. Gritting his teeth, Erwin knew there was no time to waste mourning its loss. He didn’t need it- couldn’t need it. He would have to be his own weapon.

Curling his fingers into a fist, Erwin launched himself at the beast.

He put all his weight behind the punch, using the few feet’s sprint between them to propel it. He aimed below the front limb again. It connected, like punching a brick. The force pounded back up his arm, but Erwin drove it forward still, catching the monster’s body with his elbow and shoulder before spending the power he’d put into the blow. His body humming with energy, thrilled by the terrible roar that ripped from the beast, Erwin didn’t react quickly enough. Its shadow tipped forward, front leg collapsing and bringing the rest of its body down- on top of Erwin.

Its weight slammed down onto his shoulder and back, pushing him face-down to the ground. Crushing the breath from his lungs, trapping his right side beneath it, the beast crashed down over his legs. Its bulk left him gasping, unable to remember how to breathe, his hips and back screaming as his bones compressed. His right leg pinned beneath it, Erwin struggled, hands scrabbling at the ground, at the monster, at anything he could find to free himself. With a grunt of effort he pushed with his upper body, arms and shoulders straining as he forced the beast’s weight from his back, inches at a time. When he’d given himself enough room to breathe he only pushed harder, hips straining as he dragged himself from beneath it. With a final tug he pulled his right leg from under its outstretched arm, wincing as his knee banged painfully when he jerked it away.

The beast took far less time to recover than Erwin had hoped, its four legs providing an advantage as it lifted itself up. Only enough time to get a few steps away from it, Erwin set his stance again. He would punch it, like he had before. That was his only option. If he wanted to help Levi, he had to do this. He had to prove he could, to himself before anyone else. He had to face this and everything he’d done, and he’d have to do it with his own strength. He steeled himself, trying to coil the same power in his body he’d had before. But his legs were slow, aching and bruised, and they moved clumsily. His ankle throbbed- he’d turned it when he fell. Not to mention how each time he inhaled it felt like fire, pain streaking up his nerves each time his chest expanded. Ignoring the burn and strain, he pulled his arm back, ready to strike.

Before he could put his weight behind his arm, a dark limb shot out toward his side. Caught unaware, he tried to turn. He tried to duck. But his legs were slow. His body protested. The arm caught the side of his head, his twisting and bending too slow. The blow pounded into his ear, whipping his head sideways. It followed through, his neck wrenching painfully as his ear rang. A blink of dark and stars popped in Erwin’s vision, the crack of pain blossoming behind his head. The haze faded quickly, turning to a searing ache deep in his neck, the crackle of lights vanishing from his sight as quick as they’d come.

No time to think- no time to plan. Erwin threw himself forward, determined to keep fighting beyond the pain. It was nothing- physical agony meant nothing compared to the burden he’d thrown into the pit. It meant nothing compared to what he’d done to his friends. It meant nothing if it meant he could save Levi. With no thought for the consequences, nothing in his mind but the resolve to keep going, he put what strength he could into his next punch. In a rush he met the beast’s chest, half-punch and half-tackle as he barreled forward. This time its bulk yielded, no bone blocking his blow. Driving a deep jab below its ribs, the beast’s ragged scream ripped the air around him. Its cries sounded in his brain as loud as in his ears, reverberating in his bones and teeth.

When Erwin fell back, the energy from his wild attack left him in a rush. The beast’s cries had not stopped. Instead they echoed, deafening in the night. Changing to a screech they morphed, anger and fight winning out above pain. With a frenzy of motion the beast surged, the ground between them eaten up in an instant. Claws sliced through the air, its front limb caught Erwin’s side. Ripping fire into his flesh, they raked deep along his back as he was thrown down. Pain flashing through his muscles, Erwin’s body curled in on itself reflexively.

The beast loomed above, its bulk rising up. Pulling its front feet from the ground, its shadow grew over the ground, over Erwin’s bent form. He looked up, seeing it rise to stand, towering higher and higher above.

Erwin knew he should be afraid. The beast was mad. There was little he could do. He should be terrified but-

He couldn’t be.

Erwin couldn’t be afraid anymore.

He wasn’t afraid. in fact-

He was angry.

Angry that it had taken him so long to face this stupid beast. Angry that he’d let it stalk and grow and feed for far too long. Angry that it stood between him and the reason he’d decided to face it in the first place- Levi. This fucking beast. It was keeping him from his life. It was keeping him from Levi. Right now he shouldn’t be here, wasting his precious time, fighting this disgusting thing.

He should be trying to help the man he cared for.

The man he’d decided to live for.

The man he-

Loved.

But this beast was still preventing him from doing any of that.

And Erwin was fucking pissed.

Getting onto his hands and knees, Erwin forced himself up from the ground. Beneath the beast’s shadow he rose to his knees, then planted one foot on the ground. Ready to hoist himself up, a flash caught his eye. A glow, blue-green and familiar, its motion drew his gaze to the side.

Someone was there- black jeans. Black t-shirt. Strong, pale arms blurred by movement. A glimpse of grey eyes, the shine of black, straight hair.

And a glowing blade sang through the air.

Levi-

The name caught in his throat as the blade drew a red line up the beast’s leg. Its front paws waved in the air as it reared up. Its mouth opened, lips pulling back from wicked teeth as it roared into the night. At the crest of its height its head tipped toward him, body coming down. Mouth open, its weight following, Erwin’s arms came up to shield his face. He cried out as teeth sank into his right forearm. Holding it back, Erwin strained against it. He forced himself against the pain, keeping finger-length teeth from reaching his face, even as its jaws gripped his arm tighter, ripping his flesh, crushing his bone.

It was too much. The force. The pain. His body exhausted and his strength fading fast, Erwin cried out, trying to resist its iron bite. He was trapped. Erwin gasped. He jerked his arm, suddenly as desperate to free himself as he’d been to hold the beast back. It held fast. His senses clouding with agony and adrenaline, Erwin thrashed, trying to strike at the beast any way he could with arms or legs.

The beast’s paw came up.

He saw a blade move through the air, his slow brain drawing trails of glow in its wake.

Erwin opened his mouth.

The beast’s head came up, pulling him into the air by his arm as pain exploded in his nerves, white sparks lighting behind his eyes.

“Levi!-”

His perspective flipped. His head and shoulder dragged as the beast flung its body down. The ground rushed up. He turned away- a dull thud slamming into the side of his head.

And the world went dark.

“Levi!-”

Erwin’s yell took Levi’s breath away. It reached deeper than he’d thought it could- a wave of deep longing flowing through his body as he turned to its source. For a second he watched the Hunger Beast’s paw move. For a second he saw himself reflected in blue eyes. For only a second- before the beast’s body crashed forward, taking Erwin down with it, and ramming him into the dirt. Erwin’s head hit. His eyes stayed closed. When the beast released him from its jaws, his arm dropped- limp.

“Erwin!”

Levi did not decide to yell Erwin’s name.

He did not decide to rush the beast.

He did not decide to slash at its retreating paw-

Did not decide to throw his weight into its massive shoulder-

Did not decide to drive his knife in as well, stabbing in an artless frenzy.

He did not need to decide these things. They happened automatically. Driven by rage, by desperation, by the way Erwin’s yell had reached inside and lit a fire that spread through his veins. He was not going to stand by and watch Erwin face his fear, and grief, and regret alone. Not when he had breath in his lungs and a knife in his hand.

Recovering his senses as quickly as he’d lost them, Levi pulled his blade from where he’d buried it deep in the muscle of the beast’s shoulder. The other stab wounds he’d made were already oozing red, bleeding their pain, matting already-filthy fur. The Hunger Beast shook its shoulders, and Levi jumped from it, landing as far from Erwin’s body as he could. It bellowed into the cool air, flecks of froth collecting at the corners of its muzzle.

Levi had to distract it. Erwin was its prey. He had drawn it- had fed it- and it had come for him. Now that it had tasted the flesh behind the emotion, the Hunger Beast would not be sated or driven away. The beast turned away from Levi, swinging its huge head in Erwin’s direction, and Levi felt his grip on his knife tighten as his stomach clenched.

Disregarding his safety, he darted in, flicking the blade over its joints, drawing a long line up its front limb with the arc of his blade. Not aiming deep, instead he slit thin cuts in its flesh, enough to hurt and bleed if not to wound. He moved in and back in quick bursts. He stabbed at its side. He slashed over the joint of a hind limb. Striking quick, hitting anything vulnerable, any place his knife sunk easily into muscle or caught between bone.

It worked. The Hunger Beast thrashed and turned, its irritation obvious. Limbs sweeping madly, jaws biting on air, it followed his movements. Too slow- the beast’s bulk was too much. As long as he stayed away from its finger-length claws, the sharp points of wicked teeth- it could not catch him. Levi jumped back as it pawed nothing- air sweeping harmlessly by his side. He took a few more steps back, leading it from where Erwin lay, praying the man wouldn’t be trampled in the process.

Levi led it further into the open, each foot a hard-won victory for the temperamental beast’s attention. He kept up his earlier strategy: the dance of dashing in and back, leaving new points and flecks of blood in his wake. Striking where he could, he ducked and scrambled- keeping the beast at a healthy distance. It was strenuous, athletic work. He’d recovered some of his strength and stamina, but he his energy was still short-lived. Levi found himself breathing heavy, his throat and lungs beginning to burn raw.

This Hunger Beast was a giant. Well-fed. And Levi knew he couldn’t keep this up forever.

His blade whipped through the air, singing as it sliced the wind. He buried it behind the beast’s elbow joint, twisting and ripping against hard tendons and cartilage. It jerked, his grip on the knife tight enough that he came with it- the beast pulled his body closer. Its head swiveled toward him. It lunged. He twisted, keeping one hand on the hilt of his knife as the beast’s jaws closed in a snap next to his ear- hot breath wafting over his neck. So close, its spit landed on his cheek. Disgusted momentarily, he didn’t see its other paw.

As he jerked the knife, trying to pull it out, claws passed over his thigh, tearing through thin jeans and ripping his skin open. Arcs of fire followed, the brief sting flaring up as sharp points dragged through tensed muscle. His jaw clenched, holding in any cry, stifling any yell. The blade came free, wrenched out in time to stumble back. Putting weight on his leg made it ache on top of the burn, the cuts deep enough that his step faltered. Luckily the beast was just as unbalanced, its wounded arm wobbly as it crashed toward him. Off balance from its strike, it hit the ground, barely a foot to the left of Levi as his chest heaved with the effort of dodging.

He couldn’t run. It would leave Erwin unprotected. But getting close was just as bad. The Hunger Beast was strong, much stronger than him. He wasn’t fully recovered, and even if he was he’d normally have a better plan when facing such a large creature. It wasn’t fast, but it was still quick enough to be dangerous, especially as its wounds made it wild and angry. Regaining its feet far too soon, the beast heaved itself up, turning on him with a growl. Levi held his knife in front of him, backing away, buying time to think.

Its balance regained, the beast began to follow. The first limping step made it howl and snarl, its shaking bulk growing noisier and larger as it worked itself into a frenzy. Its body seemed to grow, even though Levi knew it was a trick of the beast’s aggressive posture, he still felt his fingers clench tight on the knife’s hilt. Keeping his eyes trained on it, Levi backed away. Pink foam collected at the corner of its mouth, frothing up around long incisors and dripping to the dirt. Levi retreated. It shook its head, whipping blood and spittle from it. Its mouth opened, teeth bared. Its weight shifted, gathering in its hind legs as it roared a rumbling, feral call. The Hunger Beast reared up and prepared to strike.

Sensing his chance, Levi stopped falling back. He had put enough distance between them that the beast would have to rush him. He squared his shoulders, crouching a little, and put his un-injured leg forward. As the beast came down, its bulk shrinking for a moment as power collected in its limbs, Levi closed his eyes. He visualized what he sought, breathing out, calming his mind. Crystallizing the image he held into being, the fingers of his empty hand closed on the cold grip of a second knife.

Opening his eyes, he stared the beast down.

It exploded toward him.

There was no time to think. Only time to act. Levi brought his right arm up, his grip switching fluidly as his index finger found the line of the knife and the butt of its hilt found his palm.

The beast crashed forward, closing the distance. Thirty feet became twenty.

Still, Levi stood poised.

With ten feet between them, its raised head came down.

And Levi’s arm swung forward, the bend of his elbow straightening. It stopped, the knife flying from his grip. His other arm followed, mirroring the action, his weight shifting fluidly.

Slicing the air- screaming through it, trails of glow followed the blades launched from his grip.

One.

Two.

They hit their mark.

Glass blades buried deep, sticking from lids snapped shut over its eyes. Lids pinned shut now, blood welled and oozed where the knives had sunk deep.

The beast did not howl like an animal should. It shrieked- a blood-curdling, too-human scream. Its steps faltered, neck arching away. It crashed to the ground by Levi’s feet, paws clawing vainly at its head. His mouth set in a grim line, Levi forced himself not to flinch. He forced his breath to stay calm. He willed his focus stronger as he gathered the energy to summon another weapon.

It would not be easy. He was still weak in some ways. Even the last knife had been harder to summon than he’d thought it would be. But then, Levi had never had to do it so quickly before. As the beast writhed and spat, head whipping dangerously close by his legs, Levi took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes, praying the beast’s flailing would not reach him.

He willed his heart to quiet. He forced his blood to move slower, evening the rhythm of his body to collect the concentration required. He pushed all thoughts of pain, all hints of panic from his conscious. Instead he saw the blade in his mind. Sharp and strong, its edge as fine as a shard of glass, its blade as tough as steel, willed to be so. His mind. His blade. Levi knew it inside and out, its form as familiar as that of his own body. Forcing his energy into it, pulling it from beyond and imbuing it with his resolve, the spirit needed to make the thought reality, he felt its form and weight in his right hand.

He opened his eyes. The blade was there. He’d pulled it from himself, given it purpose, and there was nowhere it wanted to be now more than in the flesh and muscle of the beast before him.

The beast had regained its feet. On all fours it stood, waiting. It had not moved yet, and its head was pointed away from Levi, muzzle raised in the air. Its nose moved, nostrils flaring, and Levi knew exactly what it was doing. The Hunger Beast might not be able to see, but it could still smell him. It could still smell Erwin.

Levi had no choice but to get close. He had no choice but to count on his remaining strength.

With no plan and no time, Levi surged toward the beast. He slashed at its wounded arm, delivering a kick to its joint with his boot. Its limb crumpling, its bulk sagged as its head swung toward him. He dropped to the ground, head narrowly missing teeth as he slid in the dirt. Under its arm, under its head, his knees and shins screaming as he skid over gravel. With the blade held in a backward grip, he brought it to his chest, slicing up under the beast’s ribs. Pushing hard, the force of his body driving it deep, he thrust the knife as far as it would go.

Its path was lucky- layers of muscle but no bone to stop it. The shining glass blade buried deep, cutting meat like butter even as Levi pushed, twisting and driving it further. The beast’s body convulsed, its weight bearing down on him as he put his other hand on the knife’s hilt, wrenching it sideways. Pulling it from the beast’s belly, warm blood soaking his arm, Levi had no time to react.

With a growl from above, the hotness of breath by his cheek was immediately followed by an explosion of pain. His shoulder- punctured and crushed in so many places, the beast’s jaws closed on it. Levi stabbed and slashed, opening the beast’s body further, more of its insides spilling out. Still the pressure in his shoulder grew, making him pant and heave, struggling to finish it. It became almost unbearable, then something gave- a crack he felt and heard, that washed a wave of dizziness over him as his collar bone snapped.

Levi roared, every ounce of strength and pain flowing into the blade as he forced it into the beast’s chest. Pushing it hard, into its ribcage, knowing this was a fight he could not afford to lose. The blade paused, its glow collecting where blade met skin. Then, it flashed. And sank in, passing through bone and tissues and organs until it found the beast’s heart. It went through that too, and only stopped when its hilt was buried.

The beast’s bulk had grown still.

Its grip on Levi’s shoulder was slack.

Breathing heavy, coming back to himself from the pain and rush, Levi pushed its lifeless body back with his good arm. Keeping his shoulder stiff, trying to move his neck as little as possible, he extracted himself, letting the Hunger Beast’s lifeless bulk hit the ground for the last time.

Looking at it now, where it was lain out in the dirt, its form already growing fuzzy and fading at its edges, Levi shook his head.

He shouldn’t have waited so long. He should have tried to help Erwin earlier. He should have-

Clap. Clap. Clap.

The staccato notes echoed in the night. Perfectly spaced, with distance and purpose between them, Levi bristled at the sarcastic applause. He looked to their source, already knowing who he’d see.

Kenny.

The man ambled toward him, hat shading his face, long jacket cloaking his tall, spindly form. His bare hands come together as he continued to clap, gnarled knuckles covered by wrinkled skin making the hollow sound.

Maybe it was the exhaustion. Or maybe it was the leftover adrenaline. Whatever it was, Levi felt a visceral reaction he could not hide. Anger surged in him, its pressure building behind his eyes. Levi was furious.

“Well-” Clap “-Good-” Clap “-Fucking-” Clap “-Job.” Kenny sneered. His slow clapping stopped as he came to stand just a few feet away. “And with only minor injuries, too.”

Levi bristled, glaring at the man he despised.

“You know, Levi, that Hunger Beast really did do the trick. Perfect for that idiot. Erwin, right? Fuck, he was good food. Demon’s wet dream, that one.”

Feeling his throat close, Levi stared. He knew Kenny had been after Erwin. He’d suspected the man had sent monsters, or spies, or some filthy creatures to do his bidding. But hearing it from his own mouth, the cold casual tone suggesting it was nothing at all, that was a new level of evil. The Hunger Beast, a creature that amplified and fed on negative emotions, that ate grief and grew fat, that turned self-loathing into a physical force until it was strong enough to consume its host- it was a fate he wouldn’t wish on anyone. It was almost unbelievable that Kenny would do such a thing. But he had.

“You know, I thought about just ordering you to kill him.”

“You what?” Levi snapped, feeling a churning mix of revulsion and guilt.

“Wasn’t nearly as fun, though. Besides, looks like I don’t have to now. Old Smoky the Bear did a much better job. Less whining.”

The jab didn’t even sting. Levi was too preoccupied by what had come before it. Had the Hunger Beast killed Erwin? A flash of panic shot through Levi. He looked over to where Erwin lay, limping in the fallen man’s direction. “Fuck you, Kenny,” he grumbled to himself, more out of habit than anything else. The words were flat. They meant nothing. His anger was already spent and curdled. His emotions, his pain, anything he thought about Kenny were secondary as he rushed to Erwin’s side. It took what felt like ages, even just crossing the few hundred feet between them. His fears and worries loomed larger as he grew closer, while the various injured and uncooperative parts of his body held him stubbornly back. Making as much haste as he could bear, he winced as he finally knelt beside the man. Before he could examine Erwin, the sound of Kenny’s voice rattled through the air.

“You better not be late to work tomorrow. Especially now. I know you’ve been holdin’ back on me, pretending to still be laid up. Didn’t think I’d notice you putting down my Little Bear like it was nothing?”

Levi ignored Kenny. It was generally the best policy.

“Well, I sure noticed,” Kenny continued, “and I better be seeing you ASAP when you’re done fooling around here. Don’t be bringing any of that trash home either, boy.”

Willing his mouth closed, Levi forced back any comment. He wouldn’t look. He wouldn’t swear or yell. He couldn’t give Kenny that satisfaction. It wasn’t worth rising to Kenny’s bait, not when Erwin’s life was all that mattered. Thankfully it seemed that Kenny was done mocking him, and a self-satisfied grunt was the last thing Levi heard from him before heavy steps retreated, heralding the man’s departure. Left alone, he turned to the man lying next to him.

His eyes were still closed, head turned to the side. A bruise was already darkening on his temple, scratches around the side of his head marked by blood and matted blonde strands. Most of his body looked fine- his tuxedo rumpled and stained with grass and dirt, but intact and whole. His posture wasn’t unnatural, he looked almost as though he was asleep. Except for one thing- Erwin’s right arm was a mess. Fabric and skin shredded from above his elbow to nearly his wrist, the joint forced into an unnatural angle. Below it was another sickening bend, one Levi was sure was a clean bone break where deep punctures and gashes bled red and open like raw meat. Feeling a pang of sympathy in his own arm, Levi turned away from the sight, reminding himself that he still hadn’t answered the question that mattered most. The arm would have to wait. Erwin’s life was what mattered.

Bringing a hand to Erwin’s cheek, he paused, unsure whether to move Erwin’s head and disturb his neck. His fingers relaxed where they had hovered, stroking Erwin’s face. Mid-way down his cheek they stopped. His skin felt cool. Too cool. Levi laid his hand down, spreading his fingers wider. Still cold. He felt panic clench his chest. He pressed his fingers to Erwin’s face, searching for some heat. His throat felt tight, like he was breathing through a straw. He looked more desperately, feeling Erwin’s forehead and neck, searching for some motion, some sign from the man. Finding little, unsure now if it was his own growing frenzy that was preventing him from finding the indicators he sought, Levi pushed his head down by Erwin’s.

“Fuck. Erwin. Fuck. I’m sorry,” he muttered. He crouched, going down hard on his knees, white-hot flash of pain bursting in his shoulder as it twisted. Gasping, a hand coming up to support his shoulder, he eased closer to Erwin, moving more slowly out of necessity. “Please don’t be dead,” he whispered, bringing his ear close to Erwin’s mouth and nose. “Please. Come on. You dumbass. Why didn’t you pick up your phone? And if you’re dead now…” Levi swallowed, willing himself to calm down. “You’re not allowed to die, Erwin fucking Smith. Not after all this. I won’t let you die,” he hissed instead, going silent as he closed his eyes and trained his senses on any sound of breathing, any hint of air passing in and out of Erwin’s nostrils or lips.

With bated breath, Levi waited, concentrating.

When he felt the ghost of air on his cheek, the barest puff grazing his skin, repeated again some seconds after, Levi exhaled. He’d never been so relieved to smell the bizarre minty and astringent mix of toothpaste and alcohol on anyone’s breath. He put a hand to Erwin’s neck, feeling for his pulse and finding it after a few moments- weak but present.

“You fucking drank too much,” Levi muttered, adding, “Probably just passed out.” The relief he felt turned the scolding into an affectionate tease. “Should treat your body better. And quit scaring me.”

He sat up carefully, surveying Erwin again. He was alive, but it could be risky to move him if his neck was-

The twitch of a finger drew Levi’s eye. It moved again, this time a few clenching briefly. Satisfied that Erwin’s back probably wasn’t broken, he began to shift him, maneuvering him so he could be lifted.

“Good thing Moblit called me,” Levi told Erwin, not caring whether he could hear or not. Now that he knew Erwin wasn’t going to be dying in his arms this time, he didn’t feel too bad about being honest. “At least your friends have some sense. You should treat them better, too. Geez, you’re a fucking mess.”

He heaved Erwin up by one armpit. Lifting the man while trying not to disturb his own injuries was going to be impossible, he realized. Erwin was too tall and too heavy. Gritting his teeth and knowing it would hurt like hell, Levi heaved the man up. The agony that screamed against him as he strained to lift Erwin’s weight crashed over him. Making him dizzy and darkening the edges of his vision, it wasn’t enough to stop him from bending Erwin over his good shoulder. He paused, taking deep breaths, already feeling the beginnings of a cold sweat. He had to do this. It took a while to balance Erwin. Even longer to make sure he was up high enough so his feet weren’t dragging on the ground. Too many minutes passed, scrambled by pain into a confusing jumble, but eventually Levi managed it.

“A fucking mess,” he repeated, straightening up and wrapping an arm around Erwin’s thighs to keep him from falling. He gave a quick half-sigh, half-almost-laugh. “But you’re my fucking mess. And… I’ve never minded cleaning up.”

If you’ll let me, he prayed.

Chapter Text

Erwin opened his eyes somewhere much brighter than his bedroom. A ceiling divided into neat squares, their textured surfaces were broken by thin lines. White on white, the fluorescent light panels with their plastic faceted undersides cast a cold light. It was a familiar place from a different perspective. The drop ceiling, the crisp texture of linens that had been bleached too many times to count, the slight hint of antiseptic that made his nose wrinkle for a moment all made Erwin wonder if he was in a dream.

But dreams didn’t hurt, and the way his right arm felt like it had been shredded to pieces and poorly re-assembled was more than enough proof that he was really awake. As he stared at the ceiling, contemplating its pitted, noise-reducing tiles, he remembered. The wedding, the many bad decisions, the one or two correct ones, and the confrontation at the pit all flooded back, jostling each other as they competed for attention. It was even more proof. For better or worse this could not be a dream. Erwin knew exactly where he was- the hospital. At a slight sound, Erwin turned his head.

The source of the noise was to his right, sitting in a plastic chair with his head bowed down, dark bangs hanging over his face, arms crossed over his chest. He must have moved- shifted in the chair, the rubbing of black denim against hard plastic enough to alert Erwin of his presence.

For a moment, Erwin could hardly believe it.

Levi was napping no more than two feet from him.

He wondered, in a second of disbelief, if he was dreaming all over again.

Levi wore the same clothing he always did- black jeans and a t-shirt, short leather jacket draped over his shoulders.

He looked good.

It could be just time and distance, the memories making finally seeing Levi that much sweeter. But it was more than that. Levi looked better. Much better than when he’d sent him away- the pallor to his skin was gone and Erwin noticed none of the alarming sharpness in his neck or limbs. Even his hair looked less limp, glossy where it lay draped in a curtain shading the tip of Levi’s nose.  

God, he had missed Levi.

Erwin swallowed, feeling his throat tighten as emotions he’d held at bay began swirling up, tugging him in a million directions at once.

“Levi-” he rasped, surprised at the cracking dryness in his own voice and the volume of the word in the quiet room. Before he could say anything else, Levi stirred, his eyes opening as he lifted his head.

“Erwin,” he answered.

It was so simple.

It was how Levi had always said it, exactly like hundreds of times before.

And yet, it was like Erwin was hearing his name spoken for the first time.

He faltered, trying to follow up with something- anything. He had so much to say. He’d wanted to see Levi so badly, had wanted to make things right, had wanted to help him. He had so many questions to ask. But every time he summoned the thoughts they fled, overwhelmed by relief and a confusing, excruciating mix of joy and sorrow that kept climbing into his throat from somewhere deeper in his chest. It was impossible to find the words to say anything when there was too much and he had no idea where to begin.

Even if he’d decided to do this thing, it didn’t mean he had any idea how to.

Realizing that he’d already let their silence drag on, Erwin blurted the thing that kept rising up and battering at the front of his brain.

“I’m sorry!”

Levi stared at him, grey eyes slowly going wide.

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” Erwin repeated, his mind still stuck on that one thing. It felt the most important. Levi needed to hear it. Again.

“I-” Levi began, and Erwin could see how his shoulders rose and his arms tightened, how his back came away from the chair as he curled his body slightly, closing himself off. It made Erwin’s chest feel heavy with the beginnings of dread, but Erwin steeled himself anyway. If Levi was going to reject his apology, then that was what he deserved. At least he was doing it quickly, not forcing Erwin to suffer long.

“I’m sorry, too,” Levi whispered, barely loud enough to hear. “I’m sorry I didn’t go after you sooner. I could have stopped the Hunger Beast before it attacked. I could have warned you. I could have set up stronger wards. Maybe I could have-”

“Levi, don’t apologize,” Erwin cut him off. He shook his head. “For anything.” He had a lot more to say, but the urgency of the apology had burnt so bright in his mind that it was difficult to collect himself in its fading afterimage. “I should be the one…” he trailed off. There were so many things to apologize for, and he was woefully unprepared for this moment. It should be heartfelt. It was. But putting those things into words wasn’t exactly something he’d practiced, and Erwin was already beginning to worry that he’d started it all wrong when it was such a monumental task.

Looking over, Erwin caught Levi’s eye. It was easier to read the man’s face than find the words he needed. Perhaps it always had been. And in the pinch between Levi’s brows, the smallest bite of his lower lip, the softness of fog-grey eyes, Levi’s look told him everything. It held all the things he pleaded that the man would see on his own face- relief, tiredness, a little bit of worry, and a little bit of hope.

It was better than words.

“Maybe Kenny was right. Maybe we are a pair of idiots,” Levi muttered.

A smile spread, pulling the corners of Erwin’s mouth wide with it as he began to chuckle, the laugh loosening the tightness of Levi’s forehead. Gaining momentum, his laughter built from a cautious start and gained volume, until it tickled at his throat and turned to a cough.

“Useless nurses,” Levi grumbled, standing up. “I’ll get some water. You must be thirsty.”

“It’s just dry here,” Erwin protested, getting the cough under control. The over-ventilated hospital air was something he’d never gotten used to. “But I would like some water,” he called after Levi’s back.

When Levi’s trim figure disappeared behind the door-frame, Erwin sank back into his pillows. The few minutes that Levi was gone gave him time to arrange his thoughts into something resembling a logical order. They also gave him time to take stock of his situation. There was an IV line stuck in his left arm, and his right was immobilized in a cast - from mid-finger to almost his shoulder. Any attempts at moving it were unpleasant to say the least. The IV either didn’t have anything but saline in it or whatever painkiller they’d dosed him with had mostly worn off. His whole arm felt like a giant, swollen bruise when he didn’t try to move it and like it was being ripped apart from within when he did.

It wasn’t particularly surprising though. Erwin remembered the fight well. He remembered the beast- dark and stinking, looming over him. He could see its finger-length teeth, feel them piercing his skin and dragging against the flesh. His arm flared, the places where the monster had bit and ripped pulsing  white-hot. The pain followed the strength of his heartbeat, making his breath catch as he winced and closed his eyes. When he eased his eyes open some beats later, his back was curled forward, both arms drawn close to his sides as though for protection. It still hurt like hell, even as his breaths grew easier and his muscles slowly relaxed. The wound was serious, Erwin was sure of it, and for once he was glad to be in a hospital.

Everything assembled itself into a more sensible order as he recalled it - Levi standing between him and the beast, yelling his name, and the world bursting with fireworks before going dark.

Levi must have saved him.

The precise click of boots on the tile floor as Levi returned, carrying a paper cup filled with water, weren’t enough to derail Erwin’s train of thought, but they did slow it. He was still replaying the fight in his mind, snippets of the night’s events leading up to it, and trying to fill in the blanks after he’d lost consciousness. But he was also staring- at Levi’s body, his face, all the things he’d imagined and missed almost catching him by surprise as he realized that he was really seeing them again.

Levi still moved with that fluid quality, like a panther, strong and sure, aware of exactly how he occupied space. He still had a bit of a scowl when his face was resting- or something Erwin knew was easily interpreted as a scowl even if he’d learned to read beyond it. His approach still made something rise and quicken within Erwin as he tried to keep himself from staring at Levi’s narrow hips and bare arms.

“You look good,” he blurted out when Levi stopped by his side, holding the cup out to him.

“Thanks.” The slight rise of Levi’s thin brows up his forehead were the only hint at surprise. Levi gave a quiet tch. “You look like shit.”

Erwin only shook his head, taking the cup from Levi, and almost smiling when Levi looked away, probably hiding a grimace. He could tell the jab had been accidental and that Levi was embarrassed from his body language, but he was sure it was also the truth.

As Levi walked back around the bed and settled into his chair to the right, Erwin took a sip of water. It was cool, and the second it hit Erwin’s tongue he gulped it down, tipping the cup up eagerly to drink more. He hadn’t known how thirsty he was, and he drained the glass greedily in little more than three swallows, tilting his head back and wishing there was more as a few strays drops clung to the bottom edge.

“Want another?” Levi asked, and it was Erwin’s turn to feel a little sheepish as he shook his head. As much as the water had helped, he didn’t want to delay their conversation any longer. There were too many things Erwin had to know.

“How did you find me?”

Levi nodded. “Thank Moblit. And Hanji. They called me on your dumb phone.” Levi pointed to a small table next to Erwin’s bed, where his phone sat plugged into his charger- Levi must have gotten it from his apartment. “They told me,” Levi began, and Erwin could see the heaviness of what he was about to say dragging his shoulders down, and instinctively Erwin knew what it must be. “They told me you were in trouble.” Here it came. Erwin closed his eyes. He deserved this.

“They told me you might be trying to die.”

It was something he’d kept from Levi, thinking it would make things easier. It hadn’t, and it didn’t. But hearing the words come from Levi wasn’t as bad as Erwin had thought it would be. They sounded sad, yes, but there was no pity in them, only sympathy. When he opened his eyes he saw the same man he’d always seen. The same man who’d reassured him that Marie didn’t matter, who’d told him he should get therapy if he needed it, who’d never said a single judging word or turned away from a single painful truth. Levi was a man he trusted.

“They were right,” Erwin admitted.

Levi’s thin brows knit, but his eyes did not leave Erwin’s face.

“But I decided not to.”

“You did?”

Erwin took a halting breath. Trying to explain was complicated. He’d decided to live to help Levi, but that was Erwin’s burden. He couldn’t make Levi responsible for his own life like that, couldn’t lay that before him, and at the same time expect to ever be able to free him. Telling Levi that he’d saved him in more than one way felt unfair- swapping one binding curse for another.

“Yes,” Erwin said, “I did. I think I figured some things out. I realized I needed to move on.” Leaving the rest unspoken would have to do if Erwin ever hoped to atone.

“I’m glad,” Levi said, the thin line of his lips tugging up a little to one side.

It was enough.

A few more moments passed in silence, both men sneaking small glances at each other, reassuring themselves in the smallest, most familiar ways. The curve of Levi’s nose, the way his knee never rested still, they let Erwin relax as he accepted their honesty for what it was. They allowed him to let go of a little more of what had held him back, and move on.

“What was that monster?” It was a good starting place, but before Levi could begin to answer, something else that had been bothering Erwin slipped out with it. “And who is Kenny? Why does he think we’re idiots?”

“Shit. Well…” Erwin must have picked exactly the wrong things to ask because Levi immediately grew quiet, his usual self-assured air shrinking visibly around him as he drew back. Unsure whether to move on or press Levi further, Erwin ended up doing neither. Instead, he waited.

“Kenny is a dick,” Levi decided. “and he probably sent that monster. It’s a Hunger Beast. They have lots of names. And forms. But they all feed off negative emotions, and they can get pretty big. I’ve never seen one as big as yours though.”

“Mine?”

“Well, you fed it. In a way. Whether you wanted to or not. I mean, they help their host along too- amplifying bad thoughts, trapping them in cycles of self-destruction, spreading fear. It’s no wonder…”

“Fear,” Erwin repeated, remembering how the beast’s presence had felt, how it had stirred some ancient instinct inside him, some primal need to run and hide and never look back. “It smelled like fear,” he added, still mulling over the revelation.

“What?”

“It smelled like fear,” Erwin repeated. “And sickness, guilt, death.”

“Maybe to you. I couldn’t smell anything weird. Just animal stink and blood. But then, it had been feeding on you, so maybe that’s part of how it works. You were probably smelling everything it had eaten. Your own nightmares and regrets. Your own pain. Of course those things would smell disgusting to you. I mean… it’s plausible.”

“You don’t know?” Erwin was surprised.

Levi sighed. “No. I don’t know everything, Erwin.”

“So a man named Kenny sent this thing after me. Why?”

“Because he wanted you dead.”

“Why?”

“Why? I- I,” Levi did not look at him as he continued haltingly. “I don’t know exactly. It’s probably my fault.” The soles of his boots rubbed together. His hands jammed into his pockets. “It’s because I…” Levi kicked at the tile, jabbing the thin line where two joined, his eyes trained on the floor. “It’s because I dragged you into this,” he finished.

“You dragged me into it?” Erwin felt stunned. How could Levi think, much less say something like this after everything he’d done? “You never dragged me into anything, Levi. I’ve been the one ordering you around. Borderline stalking you, then forcing you to stay with me. Making you… I don’t even… I can’t even tell how many times I’ve made you do things without knowing. How can you say that you dragged me into anything when this whole time you’ve been-”

“Stop it.” Levi cut him off, sitting up and leaning forward. His hands were on the side of the bed, his weight pushing down the mattress with the force of his reaction. “It’s not that simple.”

“But I said those things!” Erwin insisted. “I’m the one who forced you to do things you didn’t want to. I didn’t know, but it doesn’t make it right! I could have... I could have made you do terrible things! Maybe I did! I was the monster!”

“No!” Levi shouted, his brows furrowed into an angry line as he stood. “No! Erwin, stop it! Please! After all you’ve just told me. Stop blaming yourself for everything!” Arms tense by his sides, his hands balled into fists, the passion in Levi’s protests left Erwin speechless for a moment. He sat still, trying to process Levi’s response. He had thought Levi would be angry at him, but it seemed the man was more angry at himself.

“But,” Erwin finally managed, “you left because I ordered you to. Because I… because I had to make you.” This was it. All of his sins. All the unforgivable things he had done. They poured out of him like a river, flowing from his mouth in a torrent he could no longer hold back. “I couldn’t watch what was happening. You getting sick. Then when I found out about the commands- it was like I was killing you. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t face you. So I made you do all of that. Choke me. Think it was your fault. I threw you out. If I hadn’t made you do it, any of it- you wouldn’t have left.”

“You’re right,” Levi admitted. “I didn’t want to.” His hands went limp. “But like I said, it’s not that simple.” He sat back down in the chair, his elbows coming to rest on his spread knees. “It’s not like everything I did was because you ordered it. Most of it… wasn’t.”

Something in Erwin unclenched.

“I would have still wanted to be with you. I would have still moved in with you. Eventually. I mean, you’ve never forced me to think you’re hot. I just… do. And I…” Levi was struggling with what he was trying to say, but Erwin hardly noticed. He was too in awe. Levi was apologizing again, in his own way. He was trying so hard to make Erwin understand, that all his fears might be unfounded after all.

“…I care about you,” Levi finished, abruptly closing his mouth when he was done and glaring at Erwin, daring him to throw the words away.

“I- I’m sorry,” Erwin admitted. He didn’t know what else to say.

“You already said that.” The glare softened a little.

“I’m just- I don’t know. I never thought you’d say that.”

“Well, I did. Because it’s true.”

Erwin let the words sink in. He hadn’t even bothered to hope, hadn’t really let himself. He’d decided to help Levi. He’d wanted to do everything he could to fix what he’d done, but he hadn’t allowed much space for the possibility that Levi had been genuine all along. He hadn’t indulged in that luxury, and finding out that his feelings were returned was both unexpected and incredibly freeing. It was also exciting. Realizing something else Levi had said, he grinned.

“You think I’m hot?” Erwin teased.

“Yeah. Sure. I guess. I mean, as hot as a man who’s been mostly sleeping for five days can possibly be.”

“F-five days?” Erwin stammered. He had no idea he’d been unconscious that long. The fact that he’d awoken to find Levi napping by his side was suddenly much more poignant. “You stayed for that long?”

“No, not the whole time. I actually kind of abandoned you,” Levi admitted sheepishly, piquing Erwin’s interest further. “I was pretty banged up myself, so I may have called you an ambulance on your phone and then… not exactly stayed until it arrived.”

Erwin nodded. It was the most sensible thing to do. Somehow, being with Erwin made it hard for Levi to stay healthy and the unnaturally swift healing he was blessed with must be weakened as well. If he’d been injured and didn’t want to be admitted to the hospital too, then it was probably the only way to do what was best for both of them.

“I came back though, as soon as I could.” Levi must have mistaken Erwin’s silence for disappointment. It was sweet, hearing the note of defensiveness in his voice.

“How long have you been here?”

“…maybe three days. I missed the surgery, but I heard they put plenty of titanium shit into your arm to hold the bones and whatever together.”

Erwin let out a low whistle that ended in a sigh. “I can’t believe they let you stay that long. What did you do, hypnotize the nurses? Bribe them? Seduce them?” Mostly-joking but maybe part-serious, Erwin hid his further surprise with light chat. He was more than familiar with hospitals’ visitation policies, and Levi was neither believably related to him nor would he have been able to present any paperwork tying them together in a legal capacity. The implication that he’d been staying so long, and overnight, was just more evidence of his special talents. Erwin knew he’d only noticed hints of them before, but there were a few occasions he could recall when Levi had subtly bent the actions of people around them.

“Like that would work,” Levi scoffed.

But in the aftermath of all Erwin had experienced it wasn’t fully convincing. Levi was capable of it; Erwin was sure. Somehow. The inhuman strength he must have used to dispatch the monster that Erwin had faced- it was a fight he knew no normal man could undertake. But Levi, who had killed an incubus with his bare hands and summoned strange weapons from nothing, was no normal man. The mysteries that surrounded Levi just kept popping up no matter which way he turned. It was hard to believe he’d been willfully ignorant of these things for so long.

But Erwin hadn’t been seeing clearly then. And he’d missed a lot. Now, every moment had to count if he could ever hope to make up for lost time.

“Levi, will you tell me everything?”

Levi looked up, meeting his eyes. His face turned serious, the curve of his jaw tensing a little where it set. Thin eyebrows made a dark line, a small wrinkle pressing between them, as steely grey stared back at Erwin.

“Alright. But there are some questions I can’t answer.”

“Because you don’t want to, or…” Erwin trailed off, letting the question fill itself in.

“Because I can’t. Even if I want to. That’s the deal.”

The way he emphasized the last few word gave it weight. Levi had chosen it carefully, and Erwin knew he wasn’t using a mere figure of speech. He was referring to an actual event, or contract, or agreement of some type. The terms of which had already been set.

“I understand.” Erwin saw Levi give a slight nod. Little more than a dip of his chin and a swish of bangs, his attention never wavering from Erwin. He was still focused, body coiled, barely tempered by the forced calm and their sterile, lifeless surroundings. Still ready to fight, Erwin thought, reminding himself that winning Levi’s trust had not been immediate. But it felt different now. Levi had already proved that he cared; his actions were far beyond mere obligation. He’d even admitted to it in words. There was a laced edge to the next breath Erwin pulled in, a slight constricting in his nose and throat. The implications lying beneath everything Levi had done for him prickled a little behind his eyes, and he had to swallow them down. He owed this man a lot.

“I want to help you,” Erwin said. He meant it with all his heart.

“Are you sure?” Levi’s eyes held his own. Serious but passive, they stayed on him. He could still change his mind. He could leave this thing alone. He could walk away now, but Erwin was sure that Levi would not chase after him.

Erwin knew that was not what he wanted.

He had faced the Hunger Beast.

He had already made the decision, paid the toll, and survived to tell the tale. He was done running.

Erwin nodded. “Yes. I’ve made up my mind.”

Grey eyes held his gaze for a minute longer. They inspected him, studying his face, baring his soul. When the muscles in Levi’s neck relaxed Erwin knew he had passed the test- Levi had found what he was looking for.

“Alright,” Levi answered. “I do have one idea. I can’t answer your questions, but there may be someone who can speak for me. Someone who was there at the beginning.”

“Who?” Curiosity and confusion were more than enough to keep Erwin’s attention as Levi spoke.

“Furlan Church.”

Chapter Text

When Erwin was discharged from the hospital a few days later he got back to work. It wasn’t just his job he needed to get back to, and that turned out to be the easiest part. His employer agreed to let him work from home for a few weeks. The hard part was getting back to his life, or beginning to pick up the scattered pieces once again.

There were exercises to do for his arm, to keep its mobility, simple things that should be easy but left him wheezing in pain and hunched in a tight ball, his fingers trembling by the time he’d finish. There were follow up doctor visits, errands, bills, and tackling the mess his apartment had become. Some tasks were harder than others. His first visit to a new therapist, a tiny red-haired woman named Petra, went better than expected, even when he told her about his rocky past and that he’d prefer not to pursue medication. She’d hardly batted any eye, instead assuring him she’d be happy to work with him in whatever capacity he preferred, and adding she wouldn’t recommend any psychiatrist unless she thought it absolutely necessary. Her no-nonsense introduction and cheerful determination fortified him a little for the challenges ahead.

Calling Hanji and Moblit wasn’t easy. But calling Mike and Nanaba was harder, and in the end Erwin texted them instead, not wanting to ruin their honeymoon.

I’m sorry. He picked out slowly with his left hand, fingers clumsy with the small phone. I ruined your wedding. I hope the honeymoon is going better.

Fuck you. He read ten minutes later.

Then, thirty seconds after that. Apology accepted.

But you owe me. And Nanaba. A cake. A rapid fire of broken messages flooded Erwin’s phone and he smiled a little. It was good to talk to Mike. There was a pause in the messages, and Erwin put down his phone.

A moment later it buzzed again.

I’m glad I get to be angry at you.

Erwin swallowed, a tightness gripping his chest as a wave of fondness washed over him.

Yeah, he typed back, so am I.

It was surprisingly easy to locate Furlan Church. A simple search of the name on the internet was all it took to find Professor Furlan Church, or rather Professor Emeritus, if it was even the same man. Erwin hadn’t initially believed it was possible to be so lucky on his first attempt, but none of his other leads turned up anyone else by the same name. The website listed an email address, and sadly no obvious phone number, so that was what Erwin tried first. Sitting on his couch, picking painfully at the keyboard with his left hand, he composed a message.

It was impossible to encapsulate everything he wanted to say, and there was still uncertainty about whether this man was the one he sought. Striking a balance between giving enough information to appear genuine while still not coming off as a crazy person was a larger challenge than he’d anticipated. Erwin swore that by the time he’d finished composing the message he’d spent more time deleting than writing, if that was even possible. In the end he introduced himself briefly and stated that a friend of his, Levi, had suggested Professor Church’s name. He kept everything vague, mentioning he hoped that the professor had some knowledge that might be useful in informing Levi’s current situation- and Erwin left it at that. It was probably the sketchiest email he’d ever sent, but Erwin wasn’t sure there was a better way. After clearing his mind of any lingering misgivings about bothering a total stranger, Erwin took a deep breath and sent the email into the ether, hoping Dr. Church would read and respond to it.

A week later, no additional leads had turned up in any of his other searching, and Erwin was still hoping. He’d spent hours scouring the internet in his spare time, searching public records databases and increasingly seedy websites for anyone else going by the same name. Roping Hanji into the search with a barely-believable excuse about needing to get in touch with an estranged family member, they’d thrown themselves into the search too. Every other day his phone buzzed, Hanji sending him some new link or email address to try, and Erwin would type it into his browser, scrutinizing every new piece of information with hope and then disappointment. Nothing else was as concrete as Professor Church. A Furlan Church lived in Australia. That was possible, but probably too far-flung. Another person going by a strikingly similar name, Farlan Church, lived across the country, but was a high school student whose name had only shown up since he’d made the honor roll that year.

There was only one other lead that made any sense at all, and Erwin tried sending them an email too, but it was delivered right back in a matter of minutes, the address no longer valid. Out of options and getting tired of wasting time when he should be doing everything he could to help Levi, Erwin finally decided to buckle down on his search. During his lunch break he went back to the faculty member profile for Professor Church and instead clicked around until he found the department’s general information. He located a phone number for someone with the nondescript job title of “Faculty Secretary”, and called it.

“Hello?” A young woman’s voice answered.

“Oh,” Erwin answered, somewhat surprised that she had picked up the phone so quickly, “Hello,” he recovered, continuing, “I’m trying to contact a Professor Furlan Church. He’s listed on the English department website but I don’t see any phone number for his office.”

“Oh, yes, well you can reach him via email.”

Erwin frowned into the phone. The secretary was either being a lot more careful or purposefully evasive than he’d anticipated. Luckily, staring at his search results and clicking through innumerable links had given Erwin more than enough information to tackle this situation.

“Ah, yes, I did send Dr. Church an email about a week ago. However, I know he’s semi-retired and I wouldn’t expect him to pay the closest attention to emails anymore. You see he’s the corresponding author on a very interesting paper published two years ago and I had further questions regarding his translation of one of the Old English riddles he references-”

“Well, he’s usually in Wednesday through Friday,” the young woman interjected, and Erwin couldn’t help the slow grin from spreading across his face as he held back a chuckle. He’d been banking on the fact that she probably had little to no interest in the academic pursuits of the oldest faculty members in the department, and that there were plenty of other important things demanding her precious time. Being right was a small triumph in itself. “Let me give you his number. He tends to leave a bit on the early end, but if you call before 3 pm he should be in.”

“Perfect, thank you so much,” Erwin replied after taking the number down. He didn’t think he’d have much use for it, but it was always worthwhile having a contingency plan.

It took two trains and nearly an hour and a half to get to the University’s neighborhood. With more than enough time to spare, Erwin went over his plan in his head between long stretches of staring out the window as the tracks followed the lake north. He hadn’t spoken to Professor Church on the phone, and there’d been no indication his email had been read either. Maybe it was better this way, he reasoned with himself. If Furlan Church did not wish to meet with him, if he had read and deliberately ignored Erwin’s message, then this way Erwin’s chances were better. A phone call or a message left with the secretary might make him even more wary. It would be easier to catch him off guard.

It wasn’t that Erwin normally assumed people would be so skittish and unhelpful, but when it came to anything related to Levi he’d given up assuming. Instead he’d planned meticulously, considering the various possible scenarios and addressing each one. He’d chosen mid-afternoon on a Friday to make this trip. Picking a time before the professor had left for the weekend was critical. Erwin had called the number the secretary had given before setting off. When a man answered, he’d hung up. Though he wasn’t one hundred percent certain it had been the Professor, the odds were good enough to warrant  the long trip. He’d even considered the somewhat remote possibility that he might be confronted by someone in the department when he arrived. It was why he’d waited until later in the week, enough time to conceivably make the excuse that he had arranged to meet with Professor Church, on the off-chance his theoretical questioner knew he’d called earlier in the week.

The only thing Erwin was still working on was what, exactly, to say. Introducing himself was necessary, but bringing up Levi as quickly as possible was no doubt the best way to get this man to actually speak to him. Feigning actual interest in his academic pursuits was a possible angle, but Erwin had shelved that idea early on, deciding it wasn’t nearly direct enough. Watching the brick of apartments flash by as the buildings flattened down the further he got from downtown, Erwin sat alone with his thoughts.

He exited the train in a quiet suburban neighborhood. The walk to the University’s campus was more scenic than he was used to. The sidewalks were more narrow, the streets less busy, and just a few blocks took him past a variety of apartments and homes. There were plenty of the familiar three-story brick walk-ups with their U-shaped courtyards that populated the northern neighborhoods of the city. But these were better kept, more stately with their trimmed hedges and cheerful beds of daffodils. There were no dirty alleys between them either, the space occupied instead by grass and trees.

With no sense of planning and no premium on space, single-family homes were just as likely as condos or apartments, and Erwin walked past some of the largest yards he’d seen in the area. There may have been a lack of harmony between the building styles, a jumbled mess of competing mid-century, Victorian, and 1920s brick, but the sense of space and the old, established trees somehow filled the gaps and eased the dissonance. Grass coming up lush, dotted with violets across a corner property, ivy climbing over walls, and the new leaves shading the street would have made it a pleasantly relaxing walk if Erwin hadn’t had so much on his mind.

The beginning of the University campus was abrupt- Erwin crossed a busy street at a crosswalk that beeped helpfully for the sight-impaired, and he was there. Immediately the small roads and sidewalks began to curve and turn, guiding him in a more deliberate way. Through landscaped paths, between buildings, each a distinct architectural entity proud of its period and standing, Erwin was struck by the curated oasis he had entered. Impeccably kept, there was fresh mulch in every bed, new grass clipped short and recently edged, dark soil visible where the two met. The buildings were cared for as well, and whoever had designed the sidewalks made sure they approached from the most impressive side in every instance. Even though spring was just beginning, the campus was already showing itself off. The sweet scent of flowering trees laced the air, a dotted carpet of delicate pale-yellow petals already covering the ground underneath them.

Erwin wound his way behind what looked like an observatory, craning his neck to look at the charmingly oxidized copper roof. He passed in front of a grand stairway leading up to a long gothic-styled building, its wooden double doors and tall arched windows more suited to a European church than whatever function it currently served. Taking a shortcut through a parking lot, he even spied a church building, and a small sign informed him that it was a seminary- at least that one made some sense. By the time he reached the building that housed the English department Erwin was thoroughly dazed, and he heaved a sigh of relief the second he passed indoors.

Despite the campus’ ridiculous grounds, the English department was much simpler to navigate, and Erwin had little more to do than read the plaque posted next to the front stairs to locate Dr. Church’s office. After minimal bumbling and wrong turns he found the small room, down a side hallway that led nowhere on the fourth floor. Furlan R. Church read the metal nameplate next to the door, and Erwin took a deep breath, pulling his shoulders back as he straightened to his full height before knocking.

“Door’s open,” came the response from within. A male voice, not too loud, and with a scratchy undertone of age made Erwin sure that its owner was the man he sought. He turned the door handle and entered the office.

“Oh, Elizabeth, you know you don’t need to knock, you can just come in and-” An elderly man looked up from his work, stopping mid-sentence when he had registered Erwin’s presence. He looked every bit a professor- a man of medium height, wearing a white collared shirt and tan tie under a grey-blue sweater vest. His horn-rimmed glasses were slouched halfway down his nose, and though his white-blonde hair looked a little shaggy and unkempt, his eyes missed nothing as they swept over Erwin.

“You’re not Elizabeth,” Dr. Church pointed out, calmly placing his pen down and closing his notebook.

“No, I’m not. I hope I haven’t interrupted?”

Leaning back in his chair as Erwin walked up to the desk, Dr. Church stood. Not impressive in size or stature, he had more of a wiry build. He held out a hand to shake Erwin’s. “Not at all, though I’m not sure I was expecting anyone…” His grip was solid, his eyes never leaving Erwin’s face. It was a little uncanny to be given such keen attention, and something about it made Erwin wary.

“My name is Erwin Smith,” he offered, adding the intentionally vague, “I was hoping to speak with you.”

“About?”

“A mutual acquaintance of ours,” Erwin answered. The professor’s face had tightened slightly, thin wrinkles in papery skin deepening between his brows. Erwin felt, somehow, that he would need to tread carefully.

“And who might that be?” The offhand tone Dr. Church used sounded fake. It held no curiosity behind it.

Watching the professor’s reaction carefully, Erwin spoke.

“Levi.”

The professor shook his head, a casual gesture. But his lips were tight, and he did not look at Erwin. “… I am afraid I don’t know anyone by that name, Mr. Smith.” The words were chilly, too formal in their blankness. It didn’t feel right. There was no confusion, no further questioning, and the man seemed surprisingly uninterested when he should be wondering more about what would bring a stranger all this way to meet him. Erwin didn’t trust it, and he pushed further.

“Are you sure?” he asked, fixing Dr. Church with a hard look, trying to read any hints the man’s face gave. “I can jog your memory a little if it helps.” Erwin leaned forward, over the desk between them, crowding the other man’s space a little. “He’s quite short, with almost-black hair. Strong build. Wears a lot of black. Very private. He works at a bar- Oberon’s.”

Dr. Church blinked, his head whipping towards Erwin and stopping just as quickly, forced with conscious effort into a neutral position. Erwin could see the tension in his shoulders, the way they’d risen slightly, and how one of his hands had formed a tight fist.

He was lying.

Dr. Furlan R. Church knew something, and he certainly knew Levi.

“No. Doesn’t ring any bells. I don’t know anyone like that,” he insisted, his voice only a little higher in pitch as he tried to keep it neutral. Erwin frowned, his frustration with the man before him growing. Dr. Church obviously didn’t want to give him any helpful information, but he had no idea why that would be the case, let alone what he could do to convince him otherwise.

“I don’t believe you,” Erwin growled, his open palm smacking the desk as his anger flared.

The professor jumped, surprised for a moment before he recovered. His carefully blank look changed to one of determination, the lines deepening between his thin brows as he marched around the desk. Erwin straightened up, only to blink as the professor laid a hand squarely in the center of Erwin’s chest, steering him back towards the door.

“It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not, Erwin Smith.” He stated as they crossed the room, “It’s true. I don’t know any man by that name.” Finding himself standing in the open doorway, Erwin looked down at a scowling Dr. Church. “And I certainly don’t know you,” he said, poking a pointed finger into Erwin’s chest while still trying to crowd him out of the room. “You must have mistaken me for someone else.”

“That can’t be,” Erwin insisted, still unsure how to make the other man understand the importance of his situation. “You’re Furlan Church. There’s no mistake.”

“Yes there is. I have nothing to say to you, and I suggest you leave right now.” The words had a quality of finality to them, but not nearly as final as the door Dr. Church was swiftly closing in his face. He’d been backed over the threshold without realizing it, and Erwin barely managed to stick his left arm between the door and its frame, wedging his body between the two. Erwin pushed with his shoulder, trying to make space for himself and sucking in a quick breath when Professor Church pressed back, trying to crush him.

It was ridiculous, getting stuck in a door and pushed around by an old man. Erwin’s frustration and anger grew as he stared down the man still trying to close the door on him. He’d come all this way. He’d planned. He’d waited. He’d decided he couldn’t fail- not for Levi.

Erwin Smith was not going to be kicked out of a geriatric academic’s musty little office.

Wedging his right foot against the frame, Erwin caught the door with his left hand, and pushed. 

“I’m sorry, Professor Church,” he grunted, forcing the door open as Professor Church gave a surprised yelp, “I can’t leave yet. We still have a lot to discuss.” The look of surprise and fear on the old man’s face as he backed away only made Erwin’s jaw set as he strode purposefully back into the office. The desk stopped the professor’s retreat, the space between them closing quickly. The man’s hands scrabbled behind him, searching over the desk as he leaned back.

“Stop! Please. Leave me alone. I– I’ll call campus security!” Dr. Church’s hand closed over the receiver of his phone and he yanked it up, brandishing it in front of him like a weapon.

Erwin paused, some of the rush of indignant rage fading. There was nowhere else for Furlan Church to go, but if he called security Erwin would never get the answers he needed. That, and he was threatening an old man. A pang of disgrace made Erwin stop. Instead he stood, watching the professor locate the phone’s base and clutch it protectively to his chest. His thin fingers shook, wavering over the number keys. “Don’t come any closer!” he threatened.

“Don’t do it,” Erwin implored, reaching out to the man, not caring how desperate he must look and sound, “Wait. Just- wait.”

Dr. Church’s fingers weren’t shaking anymore. They were still.

Erwin’s shoulders sagged with the deep breath he let out. He took a step back, giving the other man more space. He looked at the professor’s face, willing the man to hear him and understand.

He tried again.

“Levi told me to find you. He said you could speak for him… He said you were there at the beginning.”

The fear had faded from the elderly man’s expression, but the phone was still pressed to his chest, a wall between them.

“Levi needs our help. I have to help him,” Erwin pleaded.

Professor Church’s arms relaxed. He placed the phone receiver down on its cradle and turned around, carefully putting it back on the desk. “I’m sorry,” he murmured without looking at Erwin, adding, “Maybe it was I who was mistaken.” Erwin held his breath as the man walked back around his desk and sank down into his chair. “Come. Sit down,” Dr. Church offered, waving a hand at an ancient pea-green  office chair in the corner of the room. “I think you’re right after all. We do have a lot to discuss.”

As the man straightened his papers, Erwin pulled the chair over, a stuck wheel making it difficult to maneuver across the carpet one-handed. When he’d managed to finally get it into position and sit down on it, facing Professor Church across the desk, he found that the man had already turned on an electric kettle and was plucking a second mug off his shelves.

“Tea or hot cocoa?”

“Tea, thanks, with sugar,” Erwin answered automatically before wondering if he should really accept anything from the other man. Their meeting hadn’t exactly started well, and Erwin still wasn’t sure where he stood. Whether Professor Church would cooperate now, whether he even had any useful information or not, and why the man had been so reluctant before were questions he worried he’d get no answer to, so Erwin sat in silence with them as the water boiled.

“How do you know Levi?” The question and a steaming mug held out to him made Erwin blink. He took the mug.

“Well, Professor Church-”

“There’s no need to be so formal, especially if you’re Levi’s friend. Call me Furlan,” the man said. The previous fear was gone, no tightness left in his wrinkled features. His voice was quieter too, his eyes softer, and Erwin found himself letting go of the worries. Being honest with this man was probably not only the best course, but the only one remaining at this point.

“Furlan,” Erwin corrected himself, trying out the name. “He is… or was… my… boyfriend.”

“Oh.” The small response sounded surprised, but only mildly. Erwin hoped he hadn’t just betrayed Levi’s trust more in his efforts at honesty. Furlan was rather old. He might not approve of things like…

“I guess I never knew Levi to have much interest in romance. But, maybe that was because… well it was a different time then,” the old man responded, and Erwin was pleased to note the lack of judgement in his tone.

Still, something he’d said made no sense.

“A different time?” Erwin asked, voicing his confusion.

“I see. We do indeed have quite a lot to discuss. I wonder where we should start…” Furlan took a sip of tea. It gave Erwin a chance to compose himself and try to sort through his own questions. There were a lot of them- too many, really. It seemed that since his encounter with the Hunger Beast that’s all there were- questions- as though he’d finally woken up to the world around him, as though he was seeing clearly for the first time.

Furlan must have sensed his confusion, as he offered a simple solution. “Why don’t we just start at the beginning?”

Erwin nodded.

“I met Levi in college. In 1968.”

“1968?” Erwin sputtered into his tea, clacking the mug down as he stared at the man. Of course, Furlan was old, of course he knew Levi must have met him in the past, but he had no idea they’d met when Furlan was so much younger. The thing Levi had said, that Furlan was “there at the beginning”- it made more sense now, but at the same time it set Erwin wondering further. His questions had only multiplied.

“How is that possible? How could Levi have been alive then? If that’s true then how old is Levi? Why doesn’t he look-”

“Wait. Slow down. Slow down, Erwin,” Furlan held up his hands, stemming the tide of Erwin’s words. “I can’t answer all these questions at once. Let me try and tell you what I know. Hopefully that will answer some, and you can ask the rest later.” 

Giving in to reason, Erwin sat back in his chair, the steaming mug of tea held close to his face as Furlan began.

“Levi and I met in college. He was older than Isabel and I-”

“Who’s Isabel? And what do you mean, older? Did Levi not start college after high school?”

Furlan sighed, giving him a pointed look for the interruption, but he answered anyway, “Isabel’s another friend of ours. A childhood friend of mine- we grew up together and were still friends even when I went to the local community college for biology and she started working at her dad’s liquor store full-time.”

“You studied biology? But you’re an English professor…” Erwin interrupted again, immediately feeling bad when Furlan gave him another scathing look.

“Erwin, if you want me to answer your questions you’re going to have to let me speak. I can tell you’ve got a lot of them, and you’ve obviously been waiting a long time to have them answered. So, you can wait twenty more minutes or so, can’t you?”

Erwin nodded, sheepishly, the blunt frankness of Dr. Church’s response reminding him a little of Levi’s signature lack of tact. This man was Levi’s friend. It was becoming easier to accept, easier to imagine. This man could help him, and all he asked in return was that Erwin not interrupt. Silently, he vowed to make mental notes of any other questions that came to mind.

“As I was saying,” Furlan continued, “Isabel and I met Levi in college. He was older- had served in the military for quite a while, almost made a career out of it. He didn’t have much family, I think he was an orphan, so that was what you did back then. I’m sure he was good at it, but they sent him to Vietnam when the first American troops went over there, and after one tour of duty he retired from the service. Went to college on the G.I. Bill. He was trying to make a better life for himself. We were studying the same thing, so he was in pretty much all my classes.”

It was a lot of information to process. But it all made sense, and Erwin got the nagging feeling he’d heard bits and pieces of it before. He cringed internally at all the war documentaries he’d tried to make Levi watch- the reason he’d grumpily rejected them was clear now. That Levi had attended some college wasn’t surprising either, and he remembered the times Levi had expressed interest in studying plants. Biology- it was interesting, but a little sad at the same time. If Levi had completed college, what would he have done? What kind of life would he have lived? Erwin knew he hadn’t gotten that far, he remembered when Levi told Hanji as much, and he wondered at the cryptic words Levi had followed the admission with- “something came up.”

“Any questions?” Furlan asked. He’d paused, and was staring at Erwin expectantly, like he was ready for another barrage of Erwin’s ill-timed interjections.

“Yes. Too many,” Erwin sighed, “Please continue.”

“I think that’s most of the essentials. Halfway through our sophomore year Kenny showed up. Levi made a deal with him. And that’s the last I ever saw of them both.”

“That’s all?” Erwin said. He’d prepared for another information overload, and then the river had run dry so suddenly.

“Pretty much. That’s not the important stuff anyway.” The tightness in Furlan’s face had returned, his lips pressing into a thin line and wrinkles drawing deep between his brows. Erwin wanted to ask more- he felt like he’d been given only a little taste of Levi’s history, one that just made him hungrier. But the expression on Furlan’s face told him not to press further. There must be more that had happened between them, things that were uncomfortable for Furlan to talk about. It wasn’t ideal, but Erwin decided to let it go for now.

Luckily, it didn’t seem that their conversation was entirely over. “You want to know how to help Levi, right?” Furlan prompted.

“Yes. Please,” Erwin added.

“Well, you’re in luck. I just so happen to be a foremost expert on folklore. And I just so happen to have been studying something for my entire career that I think you’ll find very useful.”

“And that is?” Erwin ventured warily.

“Names.”

“Names?”

“Yes. And magic. The two are much more closely linked than you might think, Erwin.”

Erwin felt his brows rise, but the man before him was deadly serious. Half a year ago Erwin would have left the office at the mention of magic; he would have thought Dr. Furlan R. Church an old fool or a nut. But now he’d seen too many unexplained things, and magic was exactly the right word for many of them.

“I see,” he murmured.

Furlan’s eyes danced, and he nodded slowly, leaning forward in a conspiratorial way. “I see you know what I’m talking about a little already. I knew it! I knew there was less separating the realities than people think. Otherwise, how could so many stories all describe the same monsters, the same occurrences, and beliefs, and miracles, and wonders? For centuries! I’ll tell you how! It’s because they’re not just stories!” He exclaimed, the passion in his voice raising its volume.

“Ah, yes,” Erwin agreed, a little taken aback. The outburst was a lot, and he hadn’t completely absorbed the sparse details about Levi’s past. That would have to wait. Besides, he’d had plenty of experience with Hanji over the years and he knew intellectual curiosity could sometimes get the better of a certain type of person. He just needed to steer them back to the right course. “So, what about these names though?”

“Oh, yes, the power of names. That’s how Kenny controls Levi. He just uses his name. It’s quite simple, really.”

Erwin blinked. This was too much. Or too little. There was no way Furlan could believe that he’d be satisfied by such a brief explanation, yet the old man sat quiet, looking quite proud of himself. “I don’t think I understand…”

“Have you ever heard of a ‘true name’, Erwin?”

Erwin thought for a moment, trying to recall the fairytales of his childhood. But magic and fantasy had never been of great interest to him; he’d always preferred the realities of history, and while the idea sounded familiar, he was coming up short trying to remember where he’d heard it.

“Perhaps you’ve heard the story of Rumpelstilstkin? Or maybe you’ve heard of some cultures’ traditional naming practices- ones where they wait some time to bestow a name on a child to safeguard it against infant mortality. No name, no way to steal away its life,” Furlan gestured vaguely, continuing in his examples, “There are many contemporary stories, even today, that explore this idea. A true name is the very essence of a person. Knowing it confers complete power over them.”

The heart of what Furlan was saying rang true, though Erwin wasn’t sure exactly why or how he could be so certain. All he could really come up with was that it fit what he’d seen. Saying Levi’s name was what gave commands power over him. It had to be included, he’d tested and proven that theory to himself already. But that alone wasn’t enough. There were clearly other rules. “Why doesn’t it work on me?” Erwin voiced his first question, “Or you? I know your name, it’s Furlan R. Church. But knowing that won’t make you do what I tell you, no matter how I say it. Why is Levi’s name special?”

“It’s not, exactly,” Furlan corrected, “Or, it wasn’t. Kenny made it that way.”

“Kenny?”

“Yes. Have you met him?” Furlan’s eyes narrowed slightly, watching for Erwin’s reaction.

Erwin shook his head. “No. I don’t think so. Though I’m sure he knows about me- somehow. He even tried to kill me, though I still can’t understand why.”

“I’m not surprised. On either count. Kenny knows many things, he’s lived far longer and seen far more than we ever will. But he’s jealous like a dragon, holds his dearest possessions close. He counts Levi among them and I can’t imagine him taking kindly to anyone or anything that might weaken his influence in that regard.” Furlan paused, his voice becoming more quiet when he continued. “It’s the reason I’ve been so careful all these years. Only studying, only building knowledge, only able to look at these things from the safe distance of stories and poems. Nothing more. I was afraid- and when you came in- I…” Struggling with his words and himself, the old man fiddled with the handle of his mug. “…but I can’t hide forever. I’m old now. And maybe you’ve come at just the right time.” He looked up, fixing his eyes on Erwin as he spoke seriously, “Kenny is a powerful man.  Though that’s not really accurate. He’s powerful. But not a man.”

It was Erwin’s turn to lean in, to focus fully, trying to gain clues as to the subtext beneath Furlan’s words.

“Then what is he?”

“I have a theory.” The conspiratorial glimmer lit Furlan’s eyes once more.

“A theory? And what is that?”

“I think he’s a fairy. Or, maybe the fairy. The King of Fairies.”

Erwin sat back. A fairy. But Furlan wasn’t talking about the little creatures in picture books- with gossamer dew for clothes who flitted around on translucent dragonfly wings. The professor didn’t need to say it, Erwin had seen it with his own eyes. He was talking about something older, something more sinister, the kind of fairy tale that hadn’t been sanitized by time and culture, but had been left wild- dangerous. It was the kind of fairy tale with blood, and teeth, and shadows. Stories told not to teach right and wrong, but to instill a healthy respect of the shifting shades of grey instead.

“Oberon’s,” he murmured.

It had never been a secret.

The King of Fairies owned a bar downtown.

“That’s one name,” Furlan agreed, “though we’ll never know his true one.”

“But it still doesn’t explain why it only works on Levi. Like I said, I know your name. You know mine.”

“You’re right,” Furlan admitted, “but I think that part is the easiest to explain, actually. After all, neither you nor I have made a deal with a powerful magical creature. The name is what seals the deal. It belongs to Kenny now, and Levi no more. It’s what he traded.”

“Traded? For what? What did Levi get from this deal?”

Furlan shrugged. “Power? A life untouched by time? Probably all that and more.”

“He heals impossibly quickly. He has magic weapons and knows protective charms. He’s stronger than any man I’ve ever met,” Erwin pointed out, beginning to wonder the true extent of Levi’s powers. “He can see monsters, can enter special places,” Erwin ticked them off, the various things he’d noticed. “And sometimes I think he has a little bit of… control over people… but…” he trailed off. The price had been so dear: his name, his freedom. He must have gotten plenty in return.

But Levi was a humble man. A man who owned practically nothing. A man who wore the same black t-shirt, torn-up jeans, and combat boots every day of the year. A man who enjoyed tea and buttered toast. These powers that he was naming were too grand, they weren’t what he pictured Levi wanting. They didn’t fit with what he knew about the man he cared so much for. There must have been-

“There you go,” Dr. Church interrupted his train of thought. “It’s hard to catalogue things like this. Not much basis for comparison. There aren’t many examples in literature or folklore of humans entering the Fairy Kingdom and coming back or having further contact with ordinary people, so it’s hard to study. You probably know far more than me seeing as you’ve got first-hand experience. I’ve just been reading books all this time,” he finished, sounding a little tired as the words took on a mournful note.

“Do your books say anything about people getting sick if they spend too much time outside the Fairy world?” Erwin wondered.

The question seemed to surprise Furlan, but after a moment he gave a serious nod. “There could be a few reasons. Levi has lived in other worlds for fifty years or so, I can’t imagine that would have no side effects. Maybe eating so much of their food… or just being away from Kenny for too long, when Kenny owns a piece of his soul like that? It’s hard to say. Or maybe it’s part of Kenny’s will, some punishment?” Furlan sighed, his brow wrinkling as he considered the possibilities. “That’s the trouble with fairy tales- you can never know which parts are truth and which are entertaining nonsense! It all gets mixed up.”

“But there is truth in them,” Erwin commented, more to himself than Furlan.

“Of course,” the old man agreed, “You just have to find it.”

“Why didn’t Levi tell me any of this?”

“I’m sure he can’t.”

“Kenny’s order?”

“Yes. And Kenny has more power than you or me. He has Levi’s full name. A normal command, with no name? Works a little, if you catch Levi off guard. With his first name I’m sure it’s already a huge struggle to resist, I doubt he’d bother unless it was truly important. But his full name? Totally impossible.”

Erwin didn’t need to be convinced of the way the professor had framed it. He’d seen it with his own eyes, tested it unwittingly and then purposefully. There were degrees of power, specific ways of saying, that made Levi comply. “His full name?” he wondered aloud, still turning over the examples in his head.

“Well, Levi has a last name, doesn’t he?”

Everything clicked.

“That’s why he sent me to you.”

“Yes.”

“Is that the only way to stand a chance against Kenny’s power?”

“It’s the only way I can see.” Furlan’s words were solemn. “And I’ve looked for my entire career. My entire life. I’ve looked for answers. I’ve looked for Kenny. Then you showed up. And I can’t help but see this as anything but fate.”

“It’s not fate. It’s a gamble,” Erwin corrected, and Furlan nodded his agreement. “So, are you able to tell me Levi’s last name or are you as cursed as he is?”

Furlan gave a dry laugh, quick and raspy. His mood had shifted once again, to something more contemplative, a sense of wistful resignation lingering in his response.

“Cursed. In more ways than one, you’re right. There are things I can’t tell you. I was there, so Kenny’s power is hard to shake. I can’t remember Levi’s last name for long, and I definitely can’t say it out loud. Sometimes I can’t even remember his first name…” Furlan trailed off, a pained expression flitting over his features before they cleared. “It comes and goes,” he murmured, “no matter how close we were. But rules are made to be broken, or twisted, or stepped around. And I don’t need to tell you Levi’s name when I can just show you.”

Chapter Text

Though spring had arrived, it dragged its heels each step of the way. Its halting progress was much like Erwin’s own. One day the sky would be clear, a pale blue, and Erwin would stare out the window as he worked away on his computer at home, wishing he was outside. The next day clouds would gather, moving in to settle over the city, turning the sky and his outlook flat and grey. When they came they always lingered, and Erwin had to remind himself that the dull ache in his arm wasn’t forever, that in time he wouldn’t be stuck in his apartment alone, and that Levi still needed his help. He’d gather the threads of encouragement around him, the way Petra had described at his second therapy session. From each place he could, each thing that brought a little hope, he built a mantra, weaving into it notes of the doctor’s reassurance that his broken arm was healing on schedule, the increasing response to his texts from Mike, and the occasional messages from Levi.

It was harder than he’d remembered, harder than when Levi had been living with him, but Erwin felt stronger each time he did it, each time he went over the things that mattered in his head. They helped him keep perspective, his days becoming  more solid and grounded. He had a second chance. His employer was being very accommodating. His friends were very patient, and Erwin was tired of letting them all down. So no matter what the fickle spring weather held, he forced himself outside at lunchtime, to take his customary walk, and try a coffee somewhere new. It gave him time to think.

A little less than a week had passed since his meeting with Furlan when Erwin forced himself out of the house during morning rush-hour. Starved of colleagues and friends for too long, he wanted to feel the swell of the city’s population around him, needed that semblance of camaraderie with his fellow humans to ease the loneliness. With everyone commuting, occupied by their business and hurrying on in their own worlds, Erwin hoped he could more easily convince himself of the routine he was trying to build. He could blend in and trick himself into feeling like a part of it.

Erwin’s first run after his injury was a combination of bleak drudgery with the occasional glimpse of bright new leaves or hardy blooms defying moody temperature swings. Still, he pushed through it, wishing he hadn’t neglected his health so badly, his lungs already burning after a single mile. The shortness of breath was something he’d expected, but the way his right arm throbbed, reminding him of his injuries with each heavy footfall, was an annoyance he hadn’t counted on. He’d tried to do his mobility exercises at the same time, when he’d stop at a corner waiting to cross the busy street in the morning traffic.

Being surrounded by cars and pedestrians, the occasional bicycle weaving by, the rhythm of Erwin’s feet grew steadier. The heaviness of his feet faded as he focused on his breathing, controlling it to fill his lungs deeply, pause a beat, and exhale. For once Erwin ran south, not to the lake but to the beating heart of the city, to the arteries of rivers that wound through it all. Counting taxis and buses, Erwin’s feet pounded out hollow strokes on the rusted iron plates as he ran over a drawbridge, the weight of passing vehicles sounding bangs as the road’s bones shifted.

Erwin wasn’t going anywhere in particular. Instead he was using the backdrop to try to form a plan. Furlan had hinted that he would learn Levi’s whole name soon- he was planning to meet the man the coming Sunday. What he would do with the name still troubled Erwin, though. He could not hope to best Kenny in a fight; he had no magic powers and no special knowledge. All he could hope was that a confrontation ended in a sort of stalemate- with both Kenny and Erwin holding equal power over Levi. It wasn’t good enough though, Erwin knew, and the idea made him uncomfortable for different reasons.

He’d been devastated to learn that Levi was forced to follow his orders. He hated the idea of it, the position it put Levi in, and it made him uneasy to consider that this was the only way. Even worse, Erwin couldn’t figure out what might happen beyond it. If somehow he was able to defeat Kenny, through some miracle, or more likely some mistake, what then?

Perhaps there were clues elsewhere. Furlan had studied myths and fairy tales, so maybe there were other hints remaining. Hidden weaknesses, some kind of magical item, or a trick- weren’t fantasy tales full of these kinds of things? As Erwin crossed the river heading back north, he pondered. Leather shoes, high heels, sneakers, and boots, Erwin watched them as he passed. Finding no inspiration on the ground, he looked to both sides. Office buildings, cafes- all usual, the mixture of styles and functions blending together into a jumble as his thoughts skipped and repeated, bringing him right back where he’d started.

At the lobby of his apartment.

With no conclusions to show for it.

Erwin sighed, grabbing his sneaker with his left hand and pulling his foot up as high as he could behind himself. He repeated the motion, grabbing his other foot, after the stretch started to tug at his tight quads. It was a little lopsided with only one arm. But he’d just have to keep at it.

Sunday brought mist. Building and rolling in from the lake, it softened the hard lines of the city, wrapping everything in a damp haze. Erwin took the train north early in the morning, to the address Furlan Church had given. He got off just where the track curved, the platform in the middle of an elbow bend that the train slowed and screeched shrilly over before stopping to open its doors.  

Weathered wood darkened by the damp air softened his steps off the train and onto the platform. He descended the stairs to the sidewalk on muted footfalls, looping underneath the crisscross of flaking once-white painted metal beams. The platform was tucked up above a neighborhood of short walk-up apartments in neat brick. Red and orange, some faded to shades of brown, he passed a few blocks before the residential area ended and the fog pressed in on all sides. He continued down the solitary street, made quiet not just by the lack of traffic, but by the lack of buildings themselves, the space filled up instead by blankness.

To one side a spindly wire fence did little to separate the road from what looked like a featureless field in the thick air. He could see the tints of green grass, but little else as the clouds still hugging the ground swallowed up all indications of trees or other clues. It could be a garden, or a golf course, or a parking lot, and Erwin wouldn’t know the difference.

The side of the road where Erwin walked kept its secrets just as well. Where the sidewalk ended was nothing but unbroken brick wall, tall enough that he could not see over, but short enough that he itched to try. As he walked he wondered what lay beyond, what the wrought-iron spines at the brick wall’s top could be hiding. When he reached the corner, after passing what felt like many blocks through the barren corridor of chain-link and brick, the wall stopped and so did Erwin.

It had ended in a gate, opening onto the street corner, and Dr. Furlan Church stood in front of its stone side-pillar, wearing a tan trench coat and carrying a black folded umbrella.

“Erwin, you made it,” he called, waving Erwin over.

“Is this the place?” Erwin looked around, not sure whether they’d be walking more or whether he’d already reached the address.

“It is,” Furlan confirmed, giving a nod towards the open gate behind him.

Peering behind Furlan as far as the weather would allow, Erwin noticed that the path into the gate was paved, and large enough for a car to pass. There was also a small brick building to one side within the walls, and bushes hinting at further landscaping.

It was only when he read the plaque on the pillar behind Furlan that he understood where they had come.

“This is a cemetery.”

“Yes,” Furlan agreed, “and there’s someone here I’d like you to meet. Follow me.”

Bemused by the cryptic explanation, Erwin only had time to nod before Dr. Church turned and led him through the gate.

They took the main road through the cemetery, the sound of their steps muffled by the air wrapping dense around and pressing in on them. Barely able to see twenty feet before them, each bend in the winding path threw Erwin’s sense of direction into a deeper muddle. They floated along, Erwin trusting his feet to follow Furlan’s as they walked in silence. The shadow of a great tree, its trunk gnarled and thick, loomed out of the mist. Others hung back, nothing but ghostly dark shades before they drew close enough for their leaves and bark to take shape, as if the air was taking solid form. They were old, tall and bent, silent guardians that had been here a long time, and Erwin knew this graveyard must be one of the oldest in the city, collecting its plants and headstones for generations.

The ornate grave markers they passed both fascinated and baffled Erwin. Their variety was incredible but their arrangement utterly nonsensical. Obelisks of granite sat next to ornately carved stone effigies decorated in stone garlands and wreaths. Neat rows of clearly-labelled markers were interrupted by aged, leaning things half-covered in moss whose letters had been worn to little more than shallow dents smoothed by time. The grand and the pitiful competed equally for space in an unruly jumble, any organization long lost as the cemetery’s occupants outgrew their grounds.

And enfolding and encircling it all the mist clung, protecting the secrets of those lying below from prying eyes, giving the dead the privacy they deserved. They walked on, following some unseen path, as Erwin felt his sense of self receding into the mist. He stopped thinking. The curiosities ceased to surprise him, the organic nature of their strange harmony lulling him into a state of mere observation. As they came to a fork, taking yet another winding turn, they walked past a tomb, its heavy stone construction flanked by bushes that did little to soften its solemn appearance. A name was carved over its arched doorway, the interior hidden by ornamented bronze doors, turned green with oxidation from untold years. Erwin’s head turned, his gaze captured by the tomb’s interior. It was dark and small, whatever lay beyond the metal doors impossible to make out without getting closer. As he stepped up to them Erwin could smell stone, damp and cool, and earth, the scent of decaying leaves trapped in darkened corners.

Furlan cleared his throat, and Erwin paused, realizing the other man’s steps had paused, that he had stopped for Erwin’s sake, letting Erwin catch up. He tore his gaze away. The dead would continue to wait.

Hurrying for a moment to catch up to the older man, Erwin stayed close. He let himself be led past graves upon graves. Pitted headstones, some covered in feathery lichen, bled into the background in camouflage with the mist, other markers were almost new, with polished granite surfaces slicing through the thick air around them, forcing their slick planes and sharp points against it. Losing track of how long he’d been walking, the graveyard holding more statues and trees than he’d been able to count, Erwin hardly noticed when they stepped off the paved road and started walking through the tightly-trimmed grass between the monuments.

They made their way to an area that was less grand, where rows of simple rectangular stones lay flush with the ground they were placed into. They slowed down, and Erwin could see that Furlan was paying close attention to the names. They walked, the older man’s eyes trained on the ground while Erwin looked around, trying to regain his bearings. The branches of a large magnolia tree materialized, its fleshy blooms weeping open, large white and blush petals already scattered on the ground in a carpet beneath it. Laden heavy with flowers but bare of leaves it stood, a skeleton dressed in pale pink stretching spindly limbs gently over its sleeping charges.

Near its far side stood a woman in front of another nondescript headstone set into the earth. She was clearly elderly, but the way she stood, sure and proud, reminded Erwin of the old trees. It put no doubt in Erwin’s mind that she was far from feeble. Sturdy boots, a jean jacket, and red-brown hair tied back from her face completed the impression. As they approached, Furlan paused, and Erwin followed his lead.

“Isabel?” Furlan called into the mist, and the woman turned towards them.

“Furlan? You actually came!” she answered as they walked over to join her. “And did you bring…” Isabel looked at Erwin, not sparing him a second to react before she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him in welcome. “I’m so glad you both came,” she declared into the folds of Erwin’s overcoat as he stared down in confusion, gingerly holding his cast well out of the way of her tight embrace. When she finally let go, Isabel held herself back at arm’s length, bright green eyes missing nothing as she took in his appearance. Still surprised by the force of her welcome, Erwin realized that this must be who Furlan had mentioned, the Isabel who knew Levi.

“Isabel, this is Erwin Smith, the man I wanted you to meet. He’s the friend of Levi’s I told you about,” Furlan cut in, his formal intonation making Isabel roll her eyes as she let go of his coat and gave Erwin a little more space.

“You mean Levi’s boyfriend,” Isabel corrected.

“Well-” Erwin started.

“Oh no, don’t you play dumb with me,” Isabel cut him off, wagging her finger in exaggerated parody of an old woman’s scolding, “I saw you moping along. That’s the look of a man who’s got it bad. I can tell. I’m old. I’ve got that power. Comes with age. Besides,” she added in an offhand way, “you seem like his type.”

“O-oh?” Erwin managed, amused by the way Isabel spoke, like everything was just a matter of fact to be stated.

“Or are you denying it?” Her lively green eyes fixed him with an expectant look, and Erwin had to give in.

“No,” he admitted.

“Isabel,” Furlan sighed.

“Well, come on, Furlan, I’ve got to call it like I see it! It’s not like you’re going to talk any sense into this young man! You’re just as bad. Much worse! You’ve been moping around your whole life almost!” Isabel pointed accusingly at Furlan, and Erwin felt equally scolded by her tone, wondering what he’d been thrown into. “If you hadn’t had to bring Erwin here, I doubt you’d have ever come back to face this.” She swept her arm over the stone in front of her, and Erwin’s eyes followed its arc.

Coming up barely above the tight-clipped dew-laden grass, sat a small rectangular stone. Just like all the others placed at equal distances on either side of it, neither pretentious nor dramatic, it simply proclaimed a name and date in a clear line of capital letters.

            ~

LEVI ACKERMAN

        1936

           ~

The year was centered. Erwin had never seen a gravestone like it. No dash, no date of death, the year stood alone, proclaiming only the most modest of statements and pretending nothing. Erwin was surprised at how simultaneously final yet indeterminate of a marker it made.

“Levi Ackerman,” Erwin tried out the name, testing its syllables and finding that they fit perfectly when he spoke them. They fit Levi too. “This is Levi’s grave,” Erwin murmured to himself, eye still fixed to its surface.

“In a way,” Furlan agreed.

“But he isn’t dead. He isn’t buried here,” Erwin continued, as though seeking reassurance of the fact.

“No. He’s not.” The volume  of Isabel’s voice was hushed, the grave’s somber reality serving to ground them all. “It’s just a stone. There’s nothing under that dirt. No bones. Nothing.” The notes of her words tilted down, their edges trailing with a telltale hint of melancholy. “I used to wish he was buried here sometimes,” she added by way of explanation, “because the alternative hurt too much. Having nothing.”

Erwin nodded. It was something he could understand. Mourning the loss of a person who had died was hard enough, but in a way it was a natural thing. Everyone died, eventually. But the kind of parting Isabel and Furlan had borne, with its ambiguity, its lack of closure, that was something else entirely.

“So I saved up, and I tried really hard not to forget.” Isabel continued, “And I bought the plot. Then, years later, when I woke up in the middle of the night, suddenly able to recall, I put in the stone. With his name. It was the only thing I had left to bury.” Her words thick, Erwin could feel his own throat closing too. “But there’s nothing there. Nothing but memories. Levi isn’t there. And we can’t deny it any longer.”

“I’ve never denied it,” Furlan whispered, and Erwin looked over, surprised to hear the defiance in his statement. “I just-”

“You just what?” Isabel asked, her lips thinning as she pressed them together, daring Furlan to answer.

“I just couldn’t face it,” he said, an edge of mockery in his voice as he mimicked a high, sing-songy tone. Erwin could feel Furlan’s anger building, the gathering storm of a fight that seemed inevitable. “Is that what you want to hear, Izzy? Is that good enough?”

The feeling that he’d stumbled into an old argument had crept up on Erwin. He could hear it in the words they said. He could hear it even more in the words they didn’t, echoes of disputes that had gone on for decades, that had grown thorns and bitter fruit as its roots spread deeper, its undercurrents more and more a part of Isabel and Furlan’s relationship. It was a hurt that no longer needing to be spoken for its presence to be felt.

Isabel closed her eyes, sighing through her nose. “Cut that out. If you mean it don’t say it like that, like I’m your mom telling you to apologize or something. Is that even close to the truth?”

“No,” Furlan bristled. “It never has been and you know it. I chose to face it while you turned away.”

“Furlan-” Isabel’s voice had darkened, and Erwin took a step back, feeling more and more the intruder in their space. “-I did not turn away. But there was nothing I could do. Levi wasn’t dead, but he might as well have been. So, I did what any sensible person would- I let go! I grieved. I moved on with my life. I lived.”

“And I looked for answers!” Furlan insisted. “I searched, I studied, I kept going, kept hoping! And now maybe I can finally make it right! After all, Erwin found me.”

Isabel shook her head, and Erwin knew that whatever she was going to say in response she’d probably said a hundred times if she’d said it once.

“Come on, Furlan. Levi wouldn’t have wanted you to tie your whole life up in this. He would have forgiven you,” she pleaded with Furlan, before turning to Erwin in appeal, “Don’t you think so, Erwin?”

For a moment Erwin only returned her gaze. There was something she needed him to say, something to try and ease the rift between the two of them that losing Levi had made. “Well-” Erwin thought for a moment. There was no reason to embellish the truth, Erwin just hoped its meager contribution might be enough. “Levi told me to find Dr. Church. He said Furlan was there at the beginning. That he could help me- help Levi- help us. I’m sure he still considers you both as his friends. He believed you could help, after all.”

“See?” Isabel said, addressing Furlan, “It’s not your fault. Levi made his choice.”

While the statement seemed to appease Furlan, it itched at Erwin. All their talk, of forgiveness and choice, it felt important. That and the obvious contrast between the two friends- Furlan’s regret in opposition to the way Isabel had made her peace- was enough that Erwin could no longer bring himself to stay politely outside of their affairs. There was more he had to know.

“Excuse me,” Erwin said, “I believe I have some questions. Why would Levi need to forgive either of you? And what choice did he make?” He looked between them, fixing them each with a serious look as he waited for whoever chose to act first.

When he saw Furlan move, he thought it would be him. But Furlan turned away.

Instead, after a somber pause, the one to speak was Isabel.

“You didn’t tell him,” she stated flatly, frowning at Furlan as her frustration returned. “You probably told him all kinds of fairy tales and fantasy nonsense but you… didn’t. You. Didn’t. Even. Tell. Him,” she hissed.

“Tell me what?” Erwin asked, keeping his voice slow and patient, ready to wait as long as it took to get his answers.

“I’m the reason,” Furlan blurted, his back still turned, his neck bowed in a tight downward angle. “I’m why Levi’s stuck like this, at Kenny’s beck and call, forever.”

“Oh?” Erwin blinked, trying to process what Furlan had said into something more meaningful.

“I- he- took my place.”

“Your place?” Erwin felt like each question led him closer, to the things Furlan hadn’t told him earlier, the things he’d really wanted to know, the ones the elderly man had carefully avoided in his earlier, more technical explanation. It was knowledge he had to have, the need burning greater as he got closer to uncovering it.

“Furlan flunked out of school. He was garbage at biology. And, unlucky for him, he failed out just before the draft for Vietnam.” Isabel offered.

“My dad wanted me to go to school,” Furlan said. He shifted nervously, back still turned as he began to recount. “He wanted me to make something of myself. And I wanted that too- I wanted to do better for my family. But it was hard and I kept getting distracted by other things. I was young. Unfocused. I didn’t want to do it for me and it wasn’t enough.” Taking a deep breath, Furlan shook his head, lost for a moment in his past self’s failings.

“When I was kicked out, I panicked. My draft number was really low. Without being enrolled in school, I knew I’d get called. But I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t. Levi had told me a little about the war, and- he didn’t even have to say anything awful. The way his eyes looked every time it came up, that was enough.” Furlan’s words had gotten slower, his voice quieter, as Erwin could feel the weight of the memories pressing in on their small group, gathered in the curtain of fog, waiting just beyond his view.

Haltingly, Furlan continued. “When Levi talked about the war, his eyes were hollow. Dull. Tired. And Levi… he was so… so much stronger than I could ever be. I knew I couldn’t face whatever he’d seen. I couldn’t be that strong. So, I got desperate.” Shame and hopelessness were clear in Furlan’s voice. Still refusing to face them, his back hunched forward as his shoulders shook, his figure solitary, he looked every bit the old man he was.

“Somehow, I found Kenny’s bar. Stumbled in- to Oberon’s. And Kenny…”

“He made you an offer,” Erwin finished. Of course. The deal. Furlan had known so much, had kept so much hidden. It was no longer a mystery why his reaction to Erwin’s arrival had been so mixed. To him, Erwin must have appeared like a vengeful demon, dredging up the ghosts of his past, foisting their pain and regret into his life.

Professor Church nodded. “In exchange for my name, he would keep me from having to go to the war. He would give me power, magic, an ageless body. In exchange for servitude, total and complete.”

Erwin felt a sense of dread rising in his chest. It was awful, a cowardly deal whose terms Levi would never have agreed to. Not on his own. But it had been a deal Furlan was desperate for, and Furlan had been so young he’d probably had no idea what all it entailed. That, and Levi was nothing if not loyal. He’d seen it himself, Levi’s dedication far past logic and reason, denying his own failing health to stay with Erwin until he’d been literally forced out. Even then he hadn’t given up. The phone calls, the messages he’d left, the man had gone so far as to save him from the jaws of a beast he’d made himself without a single moment of hesitation.

They were all undeniable evidence of the way Levi cared for people- ferociously, without a single shred of regret, and until the bitter end. The man who’d sat by his side for five days and dutifully waited for him to return to the world of the living, not knowing if he even would, that was exactly the kind of man Levi was. No matter the deal, to save those closest to him, Erwin knew there were no terms Levi would not consider.

“Levi took your place,” Erwin stated, the words difficult to speak aloud.

Furlan nodded again. He turned to face them, and though he swiped his coat sleeve over his eyes, Erwin could see wetness at their crinkled edges.

“I had followed Furlan.” Isabel added by way of explanation. “I was worried about him, and when he went into the bar I went to get Levi. It was all I could think to do at the time. When we got back, Levi wouldn’t let me go in there with him. Only Furlan came out.”

“And then what?” Erwin asked.

“That’s it. The bar, Oberon’s, was gone. After Levi stopped Kenny, after he took Furlan’s place as Kenny’s servant, it all disappeared. Or at least we never saw it after, even when we looked. A month later, Furlan went to war. He came back. And we never saw Levi again. It was like he had died, only not,” Isabel answered.

“Like I killed him, you mean,” Furlan muttered, and Erwin felt a pang of sympathy. “Do you hate me for it?”

The question surprised Erwin only for a moment. It was more Furlan’s willingness to ask it than the sentiment itself that caught him off guard. And though he felt a twinge of revulsion, Erwin knew it was not a response to Furlan’s admissions. Rather, it was a reflection on himself, on all the time he’d spent with his own similar regrets. It was impossible to hate Furlan for something he’d clearly tortured himself over for almost a lifetime, especially as Erwin realized its implications.

Furlan had done his penance. He’d gone to war. He’d come back. And he’d clearly fulfilled his father’s wishes. He’d gone to school again. More so, he’d far exceeded his initial goals, going further and further, delving deep into the world of academia in an attempt to learn all he could- to find some way free Levi, to right his wrong. Despite the burden Furlan had saddled himself with, he’d always kept his hope alive. Erwin could never hate a man who had worked so hard to fix the mistakes of his past. Especially when he had done so little in comparison.

“No,” he spoke honestly. “I don’t hate you. In fact,” Erwin realized, “I admire you.”

He met the brief questioning look Furlan gave him with an open expression.

“You worked hard your whole life looking for answers. You said so yourself. You faced things in your own way. Isabel made different choices. But neither of you are wrong. You’re just different.”

“I still don’t think it’s good,” Isabel murmured. “To hold onto grief and mistakes like that. It’s not good for you.”

“You’re right about that, too,” Erwin agreed, and found he had nothing to add to her statement. But he had felt the things Furlan had, had internalized and agonized over loss in much the same way. Even though he saw that Isabel was right now, it wasn’t something he would have been able to see only a few weeks ago on his own. “But it’s still hard,” he addressed Furlan, “And I know just how hard it is.”

The look they shared was one of understanding, and when it broke Erwin felt like the storm had been diverted.

“Well,” Isabel sighed, “nothing is easy. That’s life. But I’m glad you showed up, Erwin. I know Furlan is too. And I hope seeing Levi’s name is some help, God knows it’s been a curse for too long.” She held out her right hand. Her eyes passed over Erwin’s rigid cast before she quickly switched hands- offering her left instead. They shook awkwardly, neither of their hands used to the gesture. “I have to be going now.”

“Thank you for showing me this,” Erwin said, “And I hope we’ll see each other again.”

Isabel smiled warmly. “Of course we will. And next time bring Levi. It’s been too long since I’ve last seen your boyfriend.”

Erwin chuckled as she walked away, giving a small wave over her shoulder before heading towards the path. Watching until she was swallowed by the shifting greys, Erwin was brought back to the present by Furlan’s serious voice.

“I wish I had a better idea than this. The name. I know I was the one who brought it up at our last meeting, but I’ve been thinking about it and…” he trailed off. Erwin nodded. He’d been thinking about it too, and he suspected their thoughts might be along similar lines.

“I’m worried too. If I lose to Kenny, which is likely, nothing changes. But even if I win, what then? He’ll just be trading one master for another. He’ll still be bound. I have no magic, nothing to offer him in exchange, no way to protect him. And I don’t want that for him either. Wielding that kind of power? I can’t do it. I want Levi to be free.”

Furlan frowned, the lines of his forehead deepening as crows’ feet fanned from his eyes beneath his brow. “I understand,” he finally agreed. “I won’t judge whatever decision you make. I don’t want you to have that guilt, and I’m sorry to put you in this position. I’m happy to share any knowledge I have with you. Maybe you can find some of it useful for something more meaningful than a peer-reviewed publication.” He gave a long exhale, closing his eyes for a moment in thought.

“If only there was a way…” he murmured to himself. “But there’s no guarantee…”

“Of what?” Erwin asked, his curiosity piqued.

Furlan’s eyes opened, but his face kept its same look of intense concentration, like he was trying to translate a very complex text with only a third of the sentences intact. “There are stories… true names are a person’s essence, that much is clear. But-”

“But?”

“But people change,” Furlan ventured, the hesitation clear in his voice, “and names can too, that way. But I don’t think it’s a thing that can be forced. And it’s rare. Very rare. Probably just another old wives’ tale,” his shoulders slumped, the signs of concentration faded from his face.

It was Erwin’s turn to sigh. Though he’d learned many things from Isabel and Furlan’s conversation, he wasn’t sure that it had led him to any more satisfactory plans. He knew Levi’s name, but that didn’t make it any easier to figure out how to go about confronting Kenny, and like Furlan had pointed out- there were no guarantees. All he could do was try.

“Either way,” Furlan started, clapping a hand on Erwin’s shoulder and squeezing, the strength in his wiry fingers reassuring, “you said you wanted to help Levi, and I trust that you will. I haven’t known you long, but I can tell that you’re a good man. And you’re a man who gets things done. Go save him, Erwin. Levi deserves a man who can do that.”

Chapter Text

For once, Erwin was glad to go back to his office. The weeks he’d spent working from his couch had been a relaxing way to ease back into things at first, and they’d helped him get the rest of his life back on track, but they’d begun to wear on him. One could only take so many jogs and clean their bathroom so many times before things got boring, and he was starting to suspect that both his friends and Levi were getting a little overwhelmed by the sudden uptick in phone call frequency. Hanji had stammered confusedly for almost a minute when he told them he’d called just ‘to talk’ the other night, and it had made him realize how much he needed his routine back.

Getting back to his suits, and meetings, and lunchtime coffee walks felt fresher than it had in a long while, and Erwin found himself re-invigorated. Even better, his cast was due to come off on Wednesday afternoon, and when he left the doctor’s office, Erwin excitedly texted Levi the news. Though it still hurt to twist his wrist and his elbow had gotten awfully stiff while it was immobilized, Erwin was glad to be able to use both arms. A little too glad, he found out the next day, when his over-enthusiasm in relying on his dominant hand at work left him sitting on the couch in the evening with an ice pack draped over his forearm.

After accepting that he’d have to build up his strength and mobility slowly to get back to where he’d been, Erwin was more mindful of his exertion on Friday. He mostly had meetings anyway, and it was much easier on his still-weak arm to listen and talk than to do all the computer work he was normally engrossed in. Hardly noticing any difficulty at all, he was only reminded of it when his phone buzzed early in the afternoon and he tried to pull it from under a heavy stack of papers, bending his right wrist too far and losing his grip as a sharp pain shot up his arm. It was from Levi, he found, when he was done nursing the hurt and finally fished the phone out.

I’ve got the night off. Can I come over?

Erwin paused, re-reading the message. He hadn’t seen Levi since leaving the hospital, hadn’t suggested it either, and though he badly wanted to see the other man he still felt a little reluctance. The question of how to deal with Kenny and the uncertainty of where that would put Levi made everything much more complicated. In some ways it felt like he was navigating their relationship from the beginning all over again, with all the uncertainties that it implied.

Of course, he answered, pushing the thoughts aside. Anytime after 5:30. He wasn’t going to let things he couldn’t control steal this chance from him.

Erwin had just closed the oven door on fish fillets and asparagus that he’d added to a pan of already-baking potatoes when he heard his apartment buzzer go off. He hurried over to the door, pressing the ‘listen’ button in time to hear Levi’s voice crackle above the static.

“Oi, you home Erwin?”

“Yes,” Erwin answered, adding, “I’ll let you in,” as he pressed the button and listened to the lobby door buzz until it was cut off by Levi opening it.

As soon as he knew Levi was coming up, Erwin quickly scanned the apartment. It was clean- or clean enough, he hoped. Dinner would be ready soon. He plucked at the front of his button-down shirt, realizing he hadn’t changed out of his work clothes yet. There wasn’t enough time to change, not when he had to struggle with all the buttons and be so careful with his arm. He hoped Levi wouldn’t feel under-dressed and- halfway through pacing the living room with his thoughts, Erwin stopped.

He was nervous.

Erwin took a deep breath.

And Levi knocked on the door.

“Levi, it’s good to see-” Erwin started, opening the door and looking down only to stop in his tracks, the rest of what he was about to say completely forgotten.

Standing in the hall, hardly more than a foot outside his door, stood a man who looked exactly like Levi, but with one key difference: his clothes. Gone were the black t-shirt, jacket, and jeans Erwin had become so familiar with. Instead, a dark green turtleneck stretched slightly across Levi’s chest. A black belt and grey pants in a slim cut clung to all the right places- reminding Erwin of exactly how narrow Levi’s hips and waist were- and the brown leather ankle boots on his feet were a far cry from the clunky combat boots he usually wore. On top of it all, a pair of fashionable square-rimmed glasses sat on the bridge of Levi’s nose, making Erwin’s extended once-over become an even slower twice-over as he stared.

“Are you going to invite me in, or?” Levi asked, raising an eyebrow in obvious amusement.

“Oh! Of course. Uh, come in,” Erwin recovered, opening the door wide and waving Levi inside. Busying himself with heading into the kitchen to get them both wine, he joked offhand, “I almost didn’t recognize you in those clothes.”

“Good. This is my disguise.”

“Your disguise?” Erwin looked over from wine glasses he’d gotten down from the cabinet to see Levi crossing the living room and drawing the curtains over the windows.

“Kenny doesn’t know you’re alive, or that I’m here. I didn’t want it to be too easy for anything or anyone to track me,” Levi said.

Erwin took a bottle of white wine from the refrigerator, fishing a corkscrew from one of his drawers. “He doesn’t know? But you stayed for so long in the hospital with me,” he wondered aloud.

“I went back after calling an ambulance for you,” Levi pointed out. “And Kenny didn’t keep too close tabs on me for a while after that. He kind of let me come and go as I pleased- didn’t call either. Probably never even considered that you weren’t dead. Arrogant bastard.”

“Or maybe he felt bad…” Erwin suggested, watching Levi frown and shrug. “I mean, he knew about us.”

“Either way, he seemed pretty damn proud of himself. I don’t think he’d act that way if he knew you weren’t dead. And the longer he takes to realize you’re alive, the better,” Levi said as he took the glass of wine Erwin offered. “I’ll wear whatever stupid shit it takes to keep him in the dark.”

“Oh? I wouldn’t call that ‘stupid shit’. ” Erwin smiled sheepishly. “You look very intelligent in those glasses, and green looks great on you.” Even though he preferred not to admit just how aware of his physical attraction Levi’s clothing was making him, Erwin couldn’t help complimenting them.

The hand swirling his wine in its glass came to rest, and Levi looked up, their eyes meeting. They held only for a moment before Levi turned back to his wine, taking a large mouthful and swallowing as Erwin watched his Adam’s apple move under pale skin. “Thanks,” Levi murmured, and Erwin realized for the first time that Levi might not be as comfortable in his new clothing as he appeared. The thought made him relax, knowing that his own strange nervousness at seeing Levi again in his apartment was reciprocated to some degree.

It was enough for Erwin to fall into an easier rhythm, one that had been so familiar a few months before, and he found himself picking it back up as they chatted and sipped wine. As usual Erwin did most of the talking, telling Levi about his new therapist, his relief over getting the cast off, anything to keep the conversation light as they sat down to dinner. Knowing they would soon turn to more serious matters, Erwin enjoyed the small talk. He savored their dinner, the intimacy of the evening, sitting across the table from Levi.

As they ate Erwin couldn’t help but watch Levi. The small bites of fish he took, the reflection of the lights above in his glass of wine when he tipped it back, every movement of his mouth and fingers drawing Erwin’s gaze. He had missed this, and he realized it more with every minute they spent together, his chest getting tighter as he tried to ignore his larger worries. They couldn’t make small talk forever. They couldn’t eat and drink all night. There were important things to discuss, and as much as Erwin wanted to face them head on, some part of him also wished it was still possible to ignore them a little longer. When Levi put the last bite of flounder in his mouth and placed his fork down, Erwin knew they couldn’t put off their conversation any longer.

“I found Furlan Church and Isabel.”

“Yeah, you told me a little when you texted me. And-” Levi looked up, “what did you learn?”

“I learned your name, your full name,” Erwin stated. There was no point in keeping it from Levi, and he wanted the other man to know exactly where he stood. He wanted Levi to be able to decide whether he was comfortable with whatever plan Erwin would come up with.

Levi nodded slowly. “I see…” He bit his lip, thin brows tightening for a moment as they both waited.

“Furlan told me it should give me as much power as Kenny has. So it should let me cancel out his commands. I can’t do anything about his strength or any other powers he may have, but it makes us at least equal in that way.” Erwin wondered if he should add anything else, but wasn’t certain what else to say. He could reassure Levi that he didn’t want to abuse his powers. He could tell him he wasn’t like Kenny, that he wouldn’t ever force him to do anything he didn’t want to. He could promise to use Levi’s name only in self-defense.

But nothing he could say mattered unless Levi agreed. So he waited as Levi thought, giving him the space he deserved to question or disagree.

“Well, I’d rather you than anyone else,” Levi finally said. “I’ll trust your judgment.”

Erwin  could feel his chest and throat tighten.

“Did you learn anything else?” Levi asked, moving on as though what he’d just said had been the easiest thing in the world.

As though he hadn’t just put his life directly in Erwin’s hands.

Erwin nodded. He didn’t feel like elaborating, like telling Levi that he had learned all about Levi’s past. Levi probably assumed he had anyway; the thinning of lips pressed together and the serious grey eyes fixed on his face said as much. Knowing all that, combined with Levi’s trust- it was a responsibility Erwin couldn’t afford to take lightly.

“So, do you have any kind of plan?” Levi prompted.

“Well, not much of one,” Erwin admitted. It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought about it. He had, in almost every spare moment, but it was hard to see any way to defeat Kenny no matter how many scenarios he played out. “All I’ve got right now is your name and the element of surprise, and I wasn’t even sure I had that until you confirmed it.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’ve at least got that,” Levi answered.

“What more should I know?” Erwin asked, getting up to fetch more wine. “Anything you know about Kenny and his powers would help. Furlan said he was like the King of Fairies, but I’m not sure what all that means.”

“King of Fairies, huh?” Levi repeated, his voice low. Erwin could hear his chair rubbing on the floor as he stood, and when he turned around with the wine bottle in hand he found Levi already sitting on the couch, their glasses moved with him to the coffee table. He sat down, the cushions sinking beneath him, tipping Levi close enough that their arms brushed.

“Well, he’s old as shit,” Levi began, “but most of his magic’s not exactly meant for fighting. He gave me a lot of that, as part of our original deal. I didn’t realize it then. But it’s really all he needs me for. Not that he needs me, exactly,” he amended, “but he’d rather not get his hands dirty.”

“He’s not immortal though?”

“No.”

“And he can’t control my mind or anything unstoppable like that?”

“Of course not,” Levi scoffed. “Real magic isn’t like that. There are rules. And that’s what’s most important. You know that. But what’s even more important are the tricks. The loopholes. Riddles. Puzzles. You’ve got to think of it like that. You know how they say a magician’s magic is just smoke and mirrors? Well, it is and it isn’t, but that’s the point. The smoke and mirrors are exactly what you have to watch out for.”

Erwin took a sip of his wine, pondering the words. If what Levi said was true, then Kenny was beatable, especially if Levi held some of his offensive powers already. But Levi’s talk of magic was so vague, so hard to grasp. “Things are never what they seem,” he muttered, washing down the last sip of wine with a new one.

A thought came to him. “What about your charms and wards? The things you put on this apartment. That sort of thing.”

Levi leaned back on the couch, his head resting gently on Erwin’s shoulder, bangs falling over his forehead. “Most of those things are for hiding. Diverting attention. Dispelling unwanted magic. Fooling people or things into not noticing something unless they’re already looking for it.”

“Well, but Kenny isn’t looking for it, is he?”

“Looking for what?” Levi’s head rose, his eyes searching Erwin’s face.

“Kenny isn’t looking for me. So that really is our biggest advantage. Maybe there are other ways we can use it. Some combination of your magic and my ideas. Anything that can put us in a better position to avoid a fight.”

“I don’t think avoiding a fight is possible. And I don’t know how well those sorts of small things will work on Kenny.” Levi’s voice was quiet.

They sat in silence, drinking their wine, each alone with their thoughts, each trying not to be the one to break the uneasy peace the moments held. Erwin’s mind skipped over everything he’d learned. Scraps, hints, pieces of ideas swirling just out of reach, each needing to be caught and examined carefully to make any sense from the jumble. It was difficult to bring it all into focus with his worries looming large, casting their shadows over his mind. Erwin’s mind flitted briefly to the Hunger Beast and his own encounter with immense magical strength. He’d only been able to face it when he stopped running, and the thought struck a chord. Kenny’s magic, Levi’s fate, the strength they held between the two of them, and the strange thread of a name tied up in it all. They all went together. It was a lot to sort through.

“I’ll come up with something,” Erwin assured, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt.

It must have worked. Erwin felt Levi’s head nod against his shoulder, watched him lift his glass of wine and drain the rest of it, his weight settling into Erwin’s side. “We’ll surprise Kenny,” Erwin continued as he felt Levi relax against him,  “We’ll lay whatever traps we can manage. You’ll have to be the one to get him to come out, to confront him, though. Do you still want to do it?” Even if it’s not a very good plan? Even if we’ll never be able to do better? Even if it could fail? Even if we could both- Erwin interrupted his own doubts. Any plan he’d come up with would be the best they could do given the circumstances. It had to be. So, it would be. Levi knew the risks. He always had.

“Yes,” Levi agreed, “I’ll face him. I always thought I would have to, eventually, anyway.”

Erwin smiled wryly. “You know, Levi,” he mused, “sometimes I wonder if you would have liked the old me better. The me before Maria died. That me hadn’t made so many mistakes. That me wasn’t such a mess.”

Levi gave a small huff, a quick puff of warm air passing by Erwin’s neck, making him shiver from its closeness.

“Don’t be stupid,” he scolded fondly, “There’s no old you, or new you. There’s just you. And I’ll follow you, Erwin Smith.”

The words were too much. Levi’s trust, his confidence, his loyalty and strength, were too much. His closeness, his warmth, his body pressing next to Erwin’s where they rested- it was all too much. And Erwin could not hold back any longer. He could not deny how much he’d missed this, how much he’d yearned for it, how badly he’d ached every moment they were apart, and how desperately he needed it now that they were together.

Erwin was done thinking. He was done planning and doubting. Instead, he turned to Levi, snaking his good arm behind the smaller man’s back and pulling him in for a kiss.

Their noses bumped, the frame of Levi’s glasses pressing into the ridge of Erwin’s brow. The gentle fumble made them pause, close enough for Erwin to feel air passing over his chin as Levi exhaled. They slowed down, faces close enough to find each other’s outline by touch alone. Erwin’s lips brushed over Levi’s cheek. He breathed deep. They traced down, finding Levi’s mouth, hovering for a moment, holding back until-

Until Levi’s lips pressed to his- soft, then insistent. Levi’s hands came up, framing Erwin’s face, pulling him closer, deeper into the kiss that opened between them.

And Erwin could hardly believe how much he’d missed it. The taste of Levi’s mouth, the feeling of his tongue- the excruciating sweetness of kissing him. Intense desires came with it, to hold Levi, to touch him, to kiss him forever and ever in an effort to overturn time itself, until there was nothing left but endless memories reliving this moment.

Levi’s bangs brushed across the bridge of Erwin’s nose as he leaned forward. It didn’t matter how briefly or how slowly they kissed, all that mattered was doing it again. All that mattered was bringing their faces together, feeling the feathery hints of breath passing by his skin, the press and yield of lips, the velvety wetness and warmth. And then doing it all over again- in quick pecks, in lingering pauses, in eager, haphazard efforts to meet and match. Crowding out every sense with their need, their pace ebbing and flowing, they traded kisses. One and then the other, but mostly both at once, as they pulled each other closer, leaning over, leaning into, until they both occupied as much of the other’s space as possible.

Breath mingling as they pulled apart, snatching quick gasps to quiet the hammering of his heart, Erwin sank into the bliss of Levi’s presence. His skin was so close, smooth where their faces touched. The press of his nose, his jaw, the hard lines of Levi’s face that blended where their mouths met. The taste of Levi’s mouth, lips soft but strong, tongue nimble, flickering into his mouth and back- it made Erwin’s ache settle deeper and spread lower. And there was no way to sate it but to kiss Levi again, knowing it could never be enough, as his head spun with it.

When they parted, Erwin collapsed back into the couch cushions, his breathing heavy and quick as his heart pounded. His pulse raced. His body felt hot. His lips buzzed with ghosts of their caress. Kissing Levi had gone to his head. It had loosed pent-up emotions. It had given him the permission he’d sought- to feel. And like he was feeling everything at once, unable to process any of it, Erwin sat dazed.

“You okay?” Levi asked, and Erwin saw concern pinch Levi’s thin brows together.

“Yes,” he nodded, bringing his hand up to his mouth, fingers brushing his lower lip as though to reassure himself that it was all real. “Yes,” Erwin repeated, adding, “More than okay.” He turned to Levi. Dark bangs hung over the plane of his pale forehead, mussed a little by the force of their earlier embrace, their broken order charming and playful instead. The angle of his jaw, the sharpness of his chin, the small turn of his nose, each line was familiar- like coming home. The same grey eyes, shifting tones where they caught the light, their size distorted slightly by the lenses of Levi’s glasses. He reached up, lifting the glasses from Levi’s nose and placing them gently aside.

“That’s better.”

This time when Erwin leaned in their noses didn’t bump. Instead they fit perfectly, heads tilting just enough, meeting and meshing seamlessly. The kiss they shared was dreamy and slow. Eyes closed, only feeling, the softness of relaxed lips, the barest hint of pressure giving way easily as Erwin yielded. To the silken slip of Levi’s tongue over his lips- he barely parted them- enjoying the tantalizing suggestion fully before opening his mouth. Letting Levi in, and deepening their kiss back, he savored it.

“Levi,” he murmured against his lover’s mouth, “let’s go to bed. I want to-” Levi’s teeth cut him off, nipping sharply at his lower lip, making his eyes widen and his groin twitched. Soothing the bitten spot a moment later with the flick of his tongue, Levi teased him for a long blink before sucking the tender skin into his mouth. He let it pop free a second later, easing back, as Erwin stared at the glistening wetness left on Levi’s lips, marking their still-glowing points of contact.

“I want to, too,” Levi admitted, and Erwin let out a shuddering sigh.

As though they both realized they’d waited too long, they were up from the couch in a flash. Tugging each other’s clothes, leading each other in the same direction, their shoulders bumped against the wall in the hallway as Erwin bent down, wet kisses lining Levi’s jaw until his head tilted back with a sigh. He sucked a kiss into the pale column of Levi’s neck, tugging the turtleneck down as he backed Levi against the wall, kissing lower. Somehow half the buttons on his shirt were already undone, and when Levi pulled the fabric from his belt and dragged it up over his head, Erwin let him. He ignored the brief twinge in his right arm as he raised it to shrug the shirt off, instead focusing on undoing the buckle of Levi’s belt a moment later.

Unable to keep their hands off each other, the journey to the bedroom took much longer than either of them had anticipated in their initial haste. Through kisses and moans, fumbled gropes through fabric, and then eager ones on bare skin, they teetered and shuffled their way down the small hall. By the time they both flopped down onto the bed all that remained of Erwin’s clothing was his underwear, the rest discarded in a haphazard trail across the floor. Levi, however, was completely naked.

And he was glorious.

Erwin couldn’t help but stare. Every inch of Levi’s body enticing, his eyes ate up the sight of the man he’d spent weeks imagining. No longer pale and drawn, he’d gained back much of the weight he’d lost on his compact frame. The coiled muscles Erwin had always admired bunched and shifted under pale skin. A few blotches of red were already growing, left by Erwin’s kisses placed near the tendons of his neck, over broad shoulders, marking his impulsive efforts to claim his lover. Erwin had missed staring at Levi’s body, having the time to indulge in the sight of dark hair dusting his chest and trailing down thick from his navel. He’d almost forgotten- how fascinating the pink of Levi’s nipples was, how appealing the curve of his flushed cock became as it hardened, and how the hints of a smile that played around his eyes and lips made Erwin’s stomach flip and the heat between his legs grow  in anticipation.

Now that they lay there, on his bed, looking at each other, it felt like a very long time had passed indeed, and Erwin found he didn’t know what to do next. Levi edged closer, and Erwin brought a hand up, pausing to cup his chin. As his fingers brushed Levi’s skin they stiffened. Something was wrong. They were wrong. His fingers- they poked Levi’s jaw awkwardly, his command of the stiff and weak right hand faltering. Erwin’s eyes snapped away from Levi, fixating instead on his own hand and arm. Crossed with ropes of puffy red scars, pocked and roughened where teeth had sunken into flesh, his healing arm was grotesque next to the fine features of Levi’s face. He jerked back quickly, pulling his arm toward his chest, away from Levi.

Faster than he could blink, thin fingers darted out. They caught him. Wrapped around his forearm, grip strong and firm, they held tight. It hurt a little, Levi’s strong grasp, but it brought him back as well. Guiding Erwin’s arm toward him, Levi leaned into it, closing his eyes as his chin pressed into the palm of Erwin’s hand. It fit- perfectly. Levi’s fingers smoothed over his own, so much smaller, so much more nimble as they held Erwin’s stiff hand to his skin. They curled, finding their places as their fingers twined together. Levi’s head turned, his lips brushing over the lines of Erwin’s palm. Tracing his lifeline, leaving kisses barely brushed in their wake, Levi lined the spaces between his ungainly fingers with fleeting licks.

Erwin’s breath caught when Levi’s hand squeezed his, hardly noticing the spark of pain from the pressure, instead captivated as Levi’s mouth moved slowly over his wrist and up his arm. His fingers felt thick and clumsy, but their skin was much less broken, their form mostly intact. His arm though- Erwin flinched as Levi’s other hand came up, tracing the ridge of a long gash that ended at his elbow.

“Erwin,” Levi murmured between kisses he could barely feel placed over red gouges, “does it hurt?”

Shaking his head, Erwin opened his mouth to protest. That wasn’t why he was pulling away. It wasn’t because it hurt, it was because-

“Then quit moving,” Levi added.

“No, Levi, I don’t want-”

“What?” Levi looked up, a challenge in grey eyes.

“You shouldn’t have to-” Erwin faltered, “…they’re… ugly… they’re not good enough…”

“Shut up.” There was no room for argument in the look he gave Erwin, and Erwin found that the words he’d been reaching for had lodged fast in his throat. They were held at bay by Levi’s tongue flicking over his arm, the sensation muted where it met bunched scar tissue, then magnified when it found the patches of unblemished skin between. The hints of warmth from Levi’s breath chased them further, as did the things he murmured against Erwin’s skin.

“That’s not how I see it,” he whispered. “You got these fighting for your life.” Levi’s fingers brushed the inside of his elbow, a touch that would have tickled but now felt far away until it crept over the punctured dents where the scars ended on his bicep. “You earned them battling your demons.” Kissing and tracing every mark, Levi’s hand held Erwin’s. It turned and lifted his arm, letting his mouth reach ever more as Levi mapped and soothed his way in deliberate steps.

“They could never be ugly,” Levi said. “You should wear them with pride.” As though to prove his words, to etch them deeper than any scars could reach, Levi’s kisses repeated their rhythm, providing punctuation. Until he’d covered every half-healed wound with his fingers, with his lips, until he’d outlined and drawn every new hollow and roped track, until he’d anointed them. The sincerity of his touch forgave every mistake the Hunger Beast had carved into his skin.

Erwin’s fingers clenched, squeezing around Levi’s hand, making him look up from where he’d pressed his nose into the golden hairs dusting Erwin’s forearm. He pulled Levi close, this time using both arms, both hands, and all his fingers, ignoring the twinges, until he could fit Levi’s chest to his, until he could feel the hardness of Levi’s cock pressing into his abdomen. Levi’s hips rolled to meet him, his thigh pressing into Erwin’s groin as a sound of need rumbled in Erwin’s throat.

Heat rose between them and the only way Erwin could channel it from his body was to kiss Levi. So he did. He slid his tongue into Levi’s mouth, and pulled him closer, groping handfuls of Levi’s ass as small moans escaped him.

It had been far too long.

“Levi, Levi,” he repeated, finding it difficult to utter anything more complicated in his haze of desire. “I missed you, Levi,” he managed between kisses, licking the taste of Levi’s mouth from his lips. “I wanted you so badly.”

“I wanted you, too,” Levi answered, his voice already rough and deep.

“I thought about you every day,” Erwin murmured, and Levi nodded, their foreheads pushing together, their hands grasping at each other’s backs and hips. “I thought about fucking you,” Erwin admitted, “but I think what I missed more… was you fucking me.” Levi groaned in response, his hand fumbling, then yanking at the fabric of Erwin’s underwear, pulling it down one hip until it caught on Erwin’s cock. It tugged and pulled, bending his half-hard cock down as Levi wrestled with it.

“Fuck,” Levi grumbled, and Erwin couldn’t help but smile. They were both awkward messes, tangles of want, intentions emblazoned in every hasty grasp and heavy syllable falling from open mouths. It made a wave of fondness wash over Erwin as he grabbed Levi, hugging him close, squeezing a surprised gasp form the smaller man.

“Shit- stop it, you’re going to crush me,” Levi complained, pushing them both apart. His hair a mess, his neck and ears blushing pink, his chest heaving a breath all sent acute pangs of longing straight to Erwin’s core.

“You’ll do it?” Erwin asked.

“Of course!” Levi blurted, then snapped his mouth shut, obviously embarrassed by the outburst. “We need to take it slow this time, though,” he muttered.

With a nod of agreement, Erwin let Levi slip from his arms. He admired the muscles of Levi’s back instead, eyes travelling down to where they met the pert curve of Levi’s ass, as Levi got up from the bed and crossed the room to the dresser. He knew where Erwin kept lube. When he turned and approached the bed Erwin mourned the sight of his bare ass for only a split second before deciding that his chest and abs were more than enough consolation. The bed sunk slightly as Levi eased back onto it. His fingers slid under the elastic band of Erwin’s underwear.

“Fuck. You’re hard already,” Levi commented absently. “And wet,” he added, fingers leaving the waistband of Erwin’s underwear to slide over the wet spot at the head of Erwin’s cock. Lifting his hips to meet the touch, Erwin felt Levi palm him through the damp fabric. He rubbed, then squeezed, fingers tightening around the shaft of Erwin’s cock and sending jolts of pleasure to tighten deeper in his groin. When he let go, Erwin had to will himself not to press forward and rut against Levi’s hand. Instead he sucked in a breath, holding it as Levi carefully removed his underwear, freeing the hard length of his cock.

Levi laid a hand on his thigh, pressing it to the side until Erwin’s legs spread, making room to lie down between them. As Levi settled he uncapped the lube, squeezing it onto his palm. Erwin watched, his eyes widening as the drop grew to a generous dollop.

“Do you really need all that?” he asked.

Levi huffed, rubbing the lube between his palms to warm it before leaving his fingers coated and glistening. “More is better,” he explained. “Besides, I have something a little different in mind, and we’re going to need plenty of lube for it.” Shooting him a mischievous look, Levi’s face softened when he registered the confusion on Erwin’s face. “Don’t worry. It won’t be anything you can’t handle. It just might… take a while. Better make yourself comfortable.”

Somewhat reassured, Erwin took Levi’s advice, gathering pillows around himself until he could lie propped up enough to still see Levi. Spreading his legs further, Erwin relaxed, focusing on the familiar weight of Levi’s head settling on his thigh. Levi’s fingers stroked down the curve of his ass, sliding into its crack. As he let out a shuddering breath they swept slowly over his hole but didn’t stop, instead stroking back and forth- over the skin on either side and pressing just behind his balls. They paused there, massaging the firmness, fingers rubbing as they passed over places that somehow pushed on something deeper, a dull sort of pleasure pulsing underneath Levi’s touch.

Leaving the skin behind his balls, Levi’s fingers slid back, deeper between the cheeks of Erwin’s ass. When they found his hole again Erwin’s back arched, the tension in his muscles drawing out then slackening as fingers drew slow circles around his entrance. Pressing to its edge, then easing back, they stroked the sensitive ring of muscle. Unable to resist, Erwin’s whole body responded- taut for a second as Levi’s fingers nudged at his hole, tightening as they pressed in, and releasing seconds later as they pulled back out to continue their agonizing tease.

He knew he should relax. He knew he should try not to be wound up so easily. But Levi’s clever fingers tracing the edge of his hole, dipping gently in for a single sweet moment, and leaving him just as quickly, made it impossible to control his body’s impulses.

A nip on his thigh and Erwin’s knees jumped. It shook his attention from the agonizing slowness of being fingered. The kiss that followed, open and firm, sucked into the exact spot Levi’s teeth had left tender, pulled a rumble from his chest. His fingers brushed over Levi’s neck, moving up it to cradle his head, to feel the prickle of his undercut under his fingertips. The tug of Levi’s mouth on his skin was heightened by the press of teeth, small bites against the flesh of his inner thigh distracting him with each nip from the tips of Levi’s fingers rubbing over his hole, as sweet as it was, dipping in and sliding out. In and out. Levi kissed. In and out. He fingered and stroked. In and out- for what felt like an eternity. Keeping Erwin teetering at the edge for far too long, until his body couldn’t help but unwind. The clenching in his ass ebbed, growing weaker, exhausted by Levi’s persistence. Until they gradually ceased, leaving him at Levi’s mercy- open and tender.

Only then did Levi’s fingers press smoothly into him, a glow of pleasure lighting along their path. Warm and slick, they slid easily inside, rubbing trails of heat. As they stroked they searched, fingertips feeling for something while they reached deeper. They curved forward, applying more force. They passed over a spot- their pressure suddenly magnified- wringing a gasp from Erwin’s lungs. His insides clamped on Levi’s fingers, making them feel even larger Beats of pleasure pulsed. Levi had found his prostate. As Levi continued to stroke it, Erwin moaned, his voice coming out rough and thick. The momentary tightness fell away, worked from him by Levi’s fingers. In its place the heat he’d felt grew and spread, its pleasant warmth settling in the bowl of his hips.

He wondered if Levi could feel it. His smooth cheek pressed to Erwin’s thigh, his lips brushing over Erwin’s skin- all the while as Erwin’s blood pumped hotter and thicker beneath. Fed by kisses purpling the ridge of his hip, by fingers kneading, by shallow thrusts that dragged their irresistible in and out. Erwin floated, letting the slow pleasure build and radiate, each stroke sweeter than the last.

“You look good like this,” the bronze tones of Levi’s voice rang in his ears. He moaned a response. “So good,” Levi murmured, running his sharp chin up the inside of Erwin’s thigh. Nudging closer to his leaking cock, he kissed bare skin as his fingers worked. “So big. So golden. So strong.” Something brushed against his balls. Erwin shivered. Craning his neck, he saw the tip of Levi’s nose skim them, the pink of Levi’s tongue flicking out and over. “And so wet,” Levi groaned, nuzzling into blonde hairs by the base of his cock, making its firm arc bounce against his face. All Erwin could do was sigh. And watch. And clutch weakly at the silk of Levi’s hair as he continued to come undone.     

When Levi paused, pulling his fingers out of Erwin’s ass, it was almost too much to bear. A whimper protesting the loss caught in Erwin’s throat, making a strangled noise. Feeling his face flush, Erwin hoped Levi hadn’t heard it, even as his ass squeezed around nothing, echoing the rhythm Levi had built and left in him.

“Be good for me,” Levi murmured in sympathy, voice thick as syrup sliding down his hip, “We’re nowhere near done.”

He had heard.

Erwin’s breath caught. Before his moment of doubt could become anything more Levi squeezed more lube onto his fingers. Prodding briefly at his hole, they pushed back inside. Levi looked up and their eyes met. When Erwin saw the way that Levi stared, the naked adoration in his unguarded expression, the twinge of insecurity washed from him. His head fell back as Levi’s fingers found their place. They pressed and stroked, resuming their pace. Levi mouthed hot at his balls. His lips and tongue lazy as his nose pressed into Erwin’s groin.

Somehow, despite the extra lube, the slickness inside him dragged more. Levi’s thin fingers seemed bigger. And Erwin felt fuller. As Levi’s fingers moved the pleasure built. From a gentle thrum it grew, reverberating in his core, adding as it resonated. The warmth flickered and caught. Heat welled in him, pooling deep inside, seeping through his nerves, pulsing as his body thrummed, dancing down his nerves and lighting his extremities. It turned them heavy and soft, sensitive to the merest touch, each of Levi’s kisses glowing on his skin even as he ached for more.

“So good for me,” Levi groaned, his forehead bumping into Erwin’s hip as he eased over. “God, Erwin, you’re being so good.” His face turned up to look at Erwin, eyes lidded and dark, lips colored by kisses. Still meeting Erwin’s eyes, his mouth opened. He hovered barely above Erwin’s skin. Head dipping down a hair’s breadth, teeth grazed the thin skin where leg and groin met. The light touch blazed. Erwin could feel it- trails of shivering pleasure that left his body trembling in their wake. Levi’s lips pressed to his skin. Softness flashing bright- he gasped. Tongue slipping, teeth catching, the kiss sucked so deep, straight to his bones as his hips jerked.

The weight of his cock bobbed, painfully heavy, reminding him how much it ached to be touched. How much he ached to be touched. Suddenly it was everything. This need: urgent and all-consuming. He needed Levi to touch him- with more than fluttering kisses. He needed Levi to fill him- with more than just fingers. As much attention as Levi lavished on him, he wanted- needed- more. His breathing had grown heavy with it, stuttering and shivering. His legs trembled with it, the muscles unable to keep still. His cock dripped with it, trails of thin precum running down into blonde curls. Erwin felt harder than he could ever remember, and it was torture- watching Levi kiss everywhere but where he ached most, his swollen cock twitching hopefully every time Levi shifted his weight, responding to any hint he made in its direction only to remain untouched.

“Levi, please,” he slurred in his haze, “please touch me. Kiss me. Something. Anything.”

“And what if I’d rather fuck you?” Levi mused, fingers dragging almost all the way from him before plunging wetly back in.

“Yes,” Erwin nodded, his hips rising from the mattress. “Yes. Please.”

This time when his fingers slid out they did not go back in. Instead Levi sat up from his lap, groping at the sheets before finding the lube. He used so much, even more than he’d put on his fingers, and Erwin groaned at the sight.

“That much?” He murmured, eyeing Levi’s glistening cock. He could still feel the slickness left between his cheeks. Surely it was already enough-

“Trust me,” Levi assured, lifting one of his thighs to the side. “You took a long time to cum last time. I want you to be comfortable.” Erwin could feel the blunt pressure of Levi’s cock nudging his hole. It lasted for only a beat before Levi’s length pressed into him. His pliant insides stretched easily, taking Levi’s cock to its base in one long movement. A jolt of pleasure pulsed in him, and Levi gave a husky groan, his head falling forward, dark bangs swaying. “Besides,” he panted, hips already starting to move, “there’s no way I’ll last without it.”

Despite his admission, Levi’s thrusts started off smooth. Controlled and perfect, they hit all the right angles, the head of his cock passing by Erwin’s prostate, rubbing into and against it, moving just deeper before it pulled back. There was no burn, no pain, nothing but the heaviness of Levi’s cock. Nothing but the sweetness of it rubbing, the thrum of pleasure, and the tight, impossibly-full feeling that came with it. His hips rolling to meet Levi’s thrusts, Erwin did his best to ride along with it, even as his breathing broke and his control frayed.

And still Levi moved- thrusting even and slow. Erwin held back a whimper. He’d been given what he asked for. But still he needed-

He reached up to Levi, catching his arm, pawing at his shoulder and pulling him down until Levi’s chin met his chest. The thrusts unbroken, their hips glued together, Erwin rolled them onto their sides. Levi felt so good, so close, he could almost gather the man up in his arms completely. And he wanted to, badly. As close as they were he wanted more. He could feel Levi’s breath, warm on his chest. Their skin pressed together. Their hearts beating so hard- together. He could feel Levi moving inside, pulling him slowly apart, their bodies melding as his boundaries faded in their shared glow. Grasping Levi’s hips, his hands groped at Levi’s ass. They squeezed and tugged, banging their hips together, pulling Levi in deeper.

It was enough to break the order of Levi’s rhythm. Enough to make Levi clutch and grab at his back as he thrust hard and deep. “Sh- shit,” Levi heaved, “Erwin, I- I won’t last.”

“Then you can cum inside.”

Levi’s groan was more response than Erwin needed. Broken and heavy, it was as though it had come from his own mouth. Levi’s hand worked between them, clutching at the slick head of his cock. Fumbling for a moment, he grasped tight, the firm grip on his oversensitive length enough that Erwin almost lost it. A tremor passed through his entire being, squeezing his insides as Levi’s thrusts rocked them both. Deep and fast, Levi moved, his cock buried to the hilt before coming nearly free. The slick sound it made pressing back in, the slap of skin on skin, Erwin could barely hear the wanton sounds above the volume of his own moans. His fingers still clutching Levi’s ass, still digging deep into the firm muscles, still urging him on as Levi’s hand stroked his aching cock.

Levi’s face pressed to his heart. Levi in his arms. Levi inside of him. Erwin’s senses filled with it. Every bit of pale skin, every flash of dark hair whirled in his vision. Every sigh dripping from Levi’s lips barely quenched his thirst. Every thrust and stutter and squeeze- all of it Levi. His head full, his senses dazzled, his nerves alight inside and out, Erwin tipped over the edge. Falling headlong, into Levi’s waiting arms, his body clenched and pulsed. The heat and light that had built so slowly, storm clouds gathering on a humid summer night, flashed and crackled, his orgasm a clap of thunder rolling through him. Every nerve rang with bliss- its force shooting warm cum onto his chest and painting Levi’s chin. Shaking his teeth, it continued, rumbling on with Levi’s deep thrusts. They wrung even more from him, much more than he’d thought possible, a second bolt and roar crackling through his body when he felt Levi’s cock push deep as he came, heat flooding his insides.

The flickers and pulses reverberated in Erwin’s head as Levi collapsed against him. The rush faded slowly, their arms wrapped around each other. Chests pressed together in a wet, sticky mess, they shivered and trembled. Their last hold on any semblance of control long-ago discarded, they clung to each other instead. As Erwin came back to himself, Levi stirred, starting to sit up and ease his still-firm cock out.

“Shit, guess the massage did the trick” he muttered, an amused fondness playing in his tone.

Unable to speak yet, Erwin groaned in protest. He didn’t want it to be over. His hands clamped down on Levi’s ass, holding him in place.

“Don’t, Levi,” he murmured, “I want to feel you inside. A little longer.”

With a tsk and a slight frown Erwin knew were both for show, Levi stopped. “Well, if that’s what you want,” he grumbled as he lay back down, fitting his head neatly between Erwin’s pectorals like it belonged exactly there. “I guess a little longer wouldn’t hurt,” he grudgingly allowed, adding, “but we’d better shower soon. You came everywhere and I’m pretty sure I smell like it.” Stifling a chuckle, Erwin only smiled as Levi’s arms wrapped back around him, his cheek and nose burrowing against his chest.

It was good. Perfect, even. Or maybe better. Holding Levi, feeling full and surrounded by his lover. Lying quietly together, the only sounds simple ones made by their bodies- essential things like the beating of hearts, the air moving in and out of their lungs, the occasional shifting of their skin against the tangled sheets. Erwin was more satisfied, more relaxed, and more okay than he’d been in a very long time. His right hand searched, finding Levi’s waist and wrapping around it. His other smoothed up Levi’s back, feeling its curve and muscle, coming to rest at the back of his neck, cradling his head. The warm puffs of Levi’s breath on his skin evened and slowed. He let himself drift in their embrace, soaking in its closeness and warmth until he hovered in the space between waking and sleep.

Instead of drifting off, Erwin lingered. Eyes opening lazily, he gazed down at Levi. The crown of his head, the curve of his pointed nose, the shock of dark hair at odd angles where Levi lay pressed to him. They were the things he saw up close, in this moment. And the sound of Levi’s breathing, the weight of his limbs, told Erwin that he’d already drifted off- even without the promised shower.

Watching Levi rest made it all suddenly simple. It made his mind feel clear, the decisions he had to make coming into focus. Despite the mess he was, the uncertainty and doubt that lingered, this was a time Erwin knew he needed to be decisive. Levi was depending on it. If he wanted this, if he wanted Levi- and he did- so instinctively he knew it must be real, then he had to do anything that was necessary. He couldn’t settle for Levi halfway. He couldn’t confront Kenny in any way that left Levi a slave to his curse. He wouldn’t trade Kenny’s control for his own.

That wasn’t good enough.

Not for the man he loved.

And though Erwin’s didn’t have anything quite as concrete as a plan yet, he did have an idea. It wasn’t certain, not even necessarily good- yet. But he’d work on that. There wasn’t much to go on, only a few meager hints, only the faintest glimmer of a chance.

But when the stakes were this high, Erwin knew he had to gamble.

If he orchestrated everything perfectly, and predicted every move, and if Levi could find it within his heart to forgive him later…

Then maybe it could work.

After all, Erwin had stared the demons of his past straight in the eyes.

And if that didn’t change a man, then nothing could.

Chapter Text

Sticking the tip of his knife under the last of the wires holding the chain-link lattice to its post, Levi jerked the blade up, breaking the metal with a snap. He grabbed the mesh, peeling it back from its frame until the hole he’d made was large enough to get through. It was a tight fit, but Levi managed it, forcing the metal to bend as he pushed his shoulders and back into it. Once he was on the other side, the reddish powder of rust wiped from his palms onto his jeans, he strode through the abandoned lot behind a nondescript brick building. He didn’t need to look back to know that Kenny would have no trouble keeping up, even if the hole he’d made was only large enough for him.

Featureless, bland, there was nothing out of the ordinary in the simple lot. It had been fenced off and left to its own devices. That was exactly how he wanted the place to look, and Levi had made his approach to it carefully. Away from the city’s center, in the industrial center south of its shiny tall buildings and smartly dressed business people, no one cared about this place. That was part of why Erwin had chosen it- and Levi had taken the long way there, guiding Kenny through neighborhoods instead of up the river, trying to keep the landmarks minimal on their way. It was nearly impossible, with the city’s downtown rising up to the north, but Levi did the best he could. So far it was believable enough for the flimsy ruse he’d cooked up and that was all that mattered. Or maybe it wasn’t, but Kenny had insisted on following him anyway- and that was really all that mattered.

Ignoring the sound of metal creaking and shearing behind him as Kenny forced his way through among half-grumbled swears, Levi stepped over the broken concrete. He wove around the dark forms of bushes and weeds, already knee-high where they sprouted from cracks in the lot’s pavement. The only thing marking their location was what looked like a dilapidated concrete box. About a story and a half high, it sat on a thick platform that reached a few feet above Levi’s head. He moved towards it. The place he'd been tasked with leading Kenny to was on top of it, and he’d have to climb. His pace quickened as he approached, and Levi bent down, rocking on his heels to build a little speed for a few running steps. Pushing off the face of the concrete block with his toes, he stretched his arms up, catching at its crumbling edge. His fingers found pebbles and then purchase, digging rough into the crumbling edges as he grunted, pulling his weight up with straining arms.

Nearly there, Levi swung a leg up, using the momentum to throw his shoulder over the edge. Heaving himself up was easier after that, and soon he was standing among half-rusted steel beams in the shadow of another overhang- the roadbed just above leading to an old train bridge. Catching his breath, not bothering to wipe the dirt from his hands, Levi paced a few feet looking for an easy way up. Nothing in particular presented itself and Levi settled for a spot where the concrete had fallen away from the level above in a large chunk, making for what he hoped would be an easier handhold. There was no chance to get a running start here, nothing to kick off of, and Levi silently cursed his height, crouching a little to jump instead.

He bent his knees, swinging his arms up as his feet came away from the ground, stretching up as high as he could. His left hand grasped and missed, coming away with nothing but stones, but his right found something solid. For a moment he hung by one hand, feeling the strain in his fingers, down the tendons of his arm, stilling his body before his next move. He had done this before. It was just like a climbing wall. There should be no wasted motion. He would use his whole body. Looking up, setting his sight on the ledge where he wanted his left hand to go, Levi used his core to shift his balance. He swung and reached, fingers of his left hand closing on cold, hard concrete. Not letting the action go to waste, he pulled against gravity, biceps and shoulders straining. Forcing his weight up over the edge was harder the second time with no help from his legs, but Levi managed it nonetheless. Stepping over another chain-link fence, this one already bent and collapsing in on itself, he turned to look below.

“Up here, come on,” he called, ignoring the sour look etched into the wrinkles of Kenny’s leathery face. “We’re almost there,” he assured vaguely, watching until Kenny dragged himself up the first level, taking a small amount of satisfaction in how the larger man huffed and swore the entire way. Watching Kenny struggle was amusing for only a minute or so, and soon Levi began to feel the nagging edges of concern about their plan. So far it was going as well as could possibly be expected. He’d done exactly what Erwin had suggested: he’d looked for an opportune moment and stolen something he knew Kenny would miss. Erwin had stressed that it didn’t matter what the thing was as long as it was important enough for Kenny to be willing to track it down, and Levi had immediately known what he was going to steal.

Or, he’d known what it looked like. A small wooden box, sanded smooth, with a design of winding vines and leaves etched into its top. What was inside, he had no idea, and he hadn’t been able to open it either, despite how hard he’d tried to pry the top off. Some kind of magic held it shut, and knowing that made him even more certain of his choice. If Kenny was protecting the object within using magic it must be worth keeping safe. He'd hidden the box in a hollow of cracked pavement behind what looked like a tree trying to grow out of the abandoned roadbed. Then they’d made their other preparations. Erwin had come to the site, armed with plans he’d drawn up based on satellite images he’d found on the internet. They’d put down wards, laid traps, adjusted a few last-minute details, and then done everything they could to hide their tracks. Now there was nothing left to do but put everything into action- and hope that it would be enough.

“Quit staring and give me a hand, boy!”

Kenny’s gruff bark from below jerked Levi’s head in his direction. Arms folded partly over the ledge at Levi’s feet, Kenny’s long legs were more hindrance than help in getting the man’s wiry bulk over the edge. With an exasperated tch he didn’t have to fake, Levi bent down, getting a hold under Kenny’s upper arms and dragging. Between Levi’s rough tugging and an unbroken string of mumbled curses from Kenny, it didn’t take long to haul Kenny up. Stopping where he stood for a moment to remove his hat, Kenny knocked the fine powder of concrete from its brim before placing it back on his head.

“So, this is the place?”

“Yeah. This is where I tracked them to,” Levi lied, waving vaguely down the road in front of them. “Like I said, there was something holding me back when I got too close, so I don’t know exactly where it’s at.”

The permanent sneer curling Kenny’s mouth didn’t waver as he took in Levi’s words, and Levi returned the look with a carefully blank face. He let Kenny brush past him, heading down the long roadbed, away from where they’d come. They walked over cracked concrete, kicking through gravel, the shadows of weeds and the occasional scrabbly bush growing longer as they got further from the orangey streetlamps and sweep of headlights. More than a story above ground level, they walked down the man-made ramp nature struggled to reclaim toward a pair of rusting steel drawbridges at its end. One was down, its huge counterweight suspended in the air, looking far too solid to hang above the ground without crashing onto it. But the working bridge was not where their path led, its road probably running unseen alongside them, its view blocked by the few feet of concrete barrier on either side of the road.

Instead they approached the broken bridge. At its base sat its counterweights and supports, folded uselessly up on their haunches, forever waiting. Jutting high into the sky, its metal form pointed up toward nothing. The black paint on its beams was peeling and crumbling, but its dark outline stood intact, the sturdy joints of metal crossings more than enough to hold it for years to come- decaying quietly, abandoned just next to its working brother. Only the brightest of stars flickered weakly where Levi could see the open sky through its frame. The city’s dull light drowned the others out, the blink of airplanes overwhelming the rest. Tonight there was no moon. Exactly as they’d planned.

About halfway down the length of the road, Levi’s steps slowed and stopped. Noticing that he wasn’t being followed, Kenny turned.

“Quit dawdling. Get yer ass over here,” Kenny grumbled, motioning him forward.

Levi hung back, shuffling his feet and looking down at them, hoping his performance was believable.

“What the hell?” Kenny frowned, adding, “Come on.”

“This was as far as I went.”

“Well, this time you’ll go further. Why the hell d’you think I came out here for? We’re retrieving it. And then we’re gonna kick whoever’s ass it was thought they could steal from me and get away with it,” Kenny growled, his lips pulling away from his teeth and twisting into a grimace. Turning his back on Levi he took a purposeful step forward, stretching his long leg ahead and slamming his boot down. He took another exaggerated step, chuckling to himself. “Looks like whatever you were scared shitless over is gone, Levi. Figures.” He strode further away, putting distance between them and starting to look down at the ground.

“Well, help me look,” he called, “unless you’re too chicken shit for that, too!” Accustomed to the insults  beyond the point of feeling even a flicker of anger, Levi slumped down the road. He tried to cover the areas Kenny wasn’t, walking from one side to the other, stooping over as his eyes scanned the ground. Avoiding the place where he’d actually stashed the box, he did his best to look like he knew just as little as Kenny did about its location. As he walked he prayed, that Erwin had enough time to get in position, that Kenny wouldn’t accidentally come upon any of the traps they’d laid earlier, that everything would just work.

“Ha! Found it!”

Levi turned at the croaky yell. “Oh,” he responded, wiping his hands on his jeans as he trotted towards Kenny. The man stood, holding the small wooden box up to his face, inspecting it.

“Funny,” Kenny sniffed. He turned the box over, examining its sides with interest. “No scratches.”

A flash of panic swept over Levi. His mouth setting into a thin line, he kept his pace steady as he walked toward the man.

“Would have thought…” Kenny trailed off, still peering closely at the box in the dim light. “But there’s no signs of…”

“Levi.” Kenny looked up, fixing Levi with a hard stare, his teeth just barely showing as he bared a forced grin. “You wouldn’t happen to know why whoever stole this didn’t bother to try and open it, would you?”

“Beats me,” Levi forced through gritted teeth. He was no longer walking, but standing, holding his ground steady as he waited for Kenny to continue.

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that it was so easy to find either, now, would it? And it certainly wouldn’t be related to there being not a single shred of anything like whatever you’d described to me being put up as protection, eh?” Kenny’s grin had become hard. “You wouldn’t be lying to me, would you, Levi?”

Squaring his shoulders, Levi stared back. “What if I am?”

“Oh- ho!” Kenny hooted, sliding the wooden box easily into an inside pocket of his flapping coat, “Well that would be very bad, indeed, boy.”

“Why’s that?” Levi pressed, letting a bit of a sing-song tone creep into the taunt. It didn’t matter now. It didn’t matter if Kenny knew. They’d made their plans. They’d laid their traps. And Kenny had walked right into the middle of them all.

“Well, you see Levi, that would be very bad because it would make me very angry.” Kenny spoke slowly, leaning forward, his shadow lengthening as it swallowed up the ground under Levi’s feet. “And when I get angry, people get hurt.” He took a step closer, shadow growing, twisting and spreading, seeping through the cracks in broken concrete and flowing from them until the ground was thick and dark. With a second step his presence felt larger, more forceful, the air around whipping back cold on Levi’s face. With a third step he stood in front of Levi, long fingers brushing ice just under Levi’s chin, tilting his head up until their eyes met. Kenny’s eyes, shaded by the wide brim of his hat, flickered and danced with a purple glow.

“Now tell me, Levi,” Kenny prompted, almost whispering as he held Levi’s chin gently between his frigid fingers, “you little lying piece of shit, what have you really brought me here for?”

“To fight.” Levi threw the words at him, glaring a challenge. If he had to answer he’d do it on his own terms.

“Ha!” Kenny’s hand dropped to his side. His head tilted back. “Hahaaaa-” Mouth open, one hand holding his hat, he brayed a long laugh into the sky. The shadows danced, curling on themselves. “Ahahahaha,” Kenny continued, his shoulders actually shaking with the force of his laughter. Anger sparked in Levi’s chest, tightening his hands into fists. Still Kenny’s laughing continued, harsh and ragged, as his throat bobbed, eventually mixing with a series of delighted wheezes as Kenny came down from them.

Only when the echoing of Kenny’s whoops off metal and pavement subsided could Levi feel his nails biting into his palms.

“Well, then,” Kenny stated, “I guess I’ve got some time to play, boy. This better be good.”

It took a few seconds for Levi to visualize the knife, to feel its smooth handle materialize under his fingers, and to know its razor-sharp blade was ready. A few seconds too long, he realized, cursing as Kenny’s shadows stretched and folded, coming away from the ground in ropes that snapped into the tall man’s hand, braiding around themselves into the long length of a whip. Just as Levi brought his arm up across his face, his reversed grip pointing the blade at the man before him, the whip flashed out.

Levi slashed at the dark rope as it came, keeping its frayed end from touching him, cutting its end off in a neat length that fell uselessly to the ground. Or so he thought. As Levi watched, the length of whip that had fallen unraveled, soaking seamlessly back into the shadow spread all over the ground. By the time he tore his eyes from it, thin strands were reaching back up, wrapping themselves back onto the whips end.

“Come now,” Kenny taunted, raising the whip above his head. His arm swung wide, its arc almost lazy as the whip traced it. “You didn’t really think that would work, did you?” Arm coming down across his body, the whip flashed through the air, its end cracking as its direction reversed. Swinging again, now to the other side, Kenny’s free hand balanced the heavy length, his movements fluid and agile for a man of his size and build. Arm circling, elbow bending slowly up, then snapping forward, the whip hummed as it flew, its edges blurred by speed, its tip glowing. It cracked again, splitting the air, sparks of purple electricity showering from its end as it broke the air in two.

Levi knew he didn’t have time to watch. Kenny wasn’t just showing off, though his prowess with the strange weapon was intimidating. He was building strength, focusing magic, and each crack the whip made was louder, stronger, rending the air and leaving it burnt- the smell of ozone lingering in its wake. The glow had already spread, creeping back up the whip, sheathing it in eddying currents of purple smoke, crackling with their own built-up ancient force. The next arc the whip made licked out towards him, and Levi raised his arm to slash it back again. But where he’d thought it would be there was nothing.

-CRACK-

Sparks split the air in front of his nose, the light blinding, the sound deafening. Fire licked down his right shoulder and over his raised arm, pain searing along it, turning to a crackling agony. The whip wrapped fast around his forearm, squeezing tight, as Kenny jerked it back. The pressure building, the whip’s traces burning, Levi’s teeth ground.  He leaned back, against the whip’s pull. A tug of his arm only made the pain worse. A strangled gasp forced itself from his lungs. Struggling, his shoulders and arm straining, his knees bent as he put all his weight into the ground, Levi knew he couldn’t break free from the whip with muscle and will alone.

Having realized that much, his other hand was already poised. A quick jerk of his arm, throwing all his weight behind it as he held it rigid bought him enough time as Kenny took a stumbling step forward. It was enough. The second knife was in his mind, then in his hand, and Levi’s left arm swept the air, cleaving the taut whip and freeing himself. He fell backward, hitting the ground and rolling, desperate to take advantage of whatever time he’d given himself to recover. On his feet just as quickly, he spared a quick glance down at his right arm. The whip was gone. It had withered away. His arm still hurt, from the pressure and the whip’s hot sparks, but there was no blood. No mark, no rug burn, not even the beginning of a bruise marked where the weapon had wrapped around his skin. Levi scowled- Kenny wasn’t serious yet. If he wasn’t willing to leave marks, then he wasn’t really fighting.

Levi would have to change that. He would have to push Kenny. His grip on his knives tightened, and Levi crouched, gathering himself for a moment as the length of Kenny’s whip slunk up from the shadows. At a run he charged toward Kenny, watching the man raise his hand and the whip come to life. Just as Kenny’s arm came down, he darted to the right, changing course quickly for Kenny’s unarmed side. This time he got closer, almost within knife range, when Kenny’s weapon hummed through the air. He spun, arms crossing his blades in front of him, severing the whip. Not allowing it time to regrow, he pushed in closer to Kenny, taking a wild swing at the man’s unprotected arm. His hasty blow missed. Kenny dodging it with a laugh. The air crackled and hummed. Kenny’s arm was still waving, and Levi turned in time to see the whip lick forwards from the air and flash over his side. He cried out, the searing line over his ribs feeling like he’d been slashed open. Clutching his hand to his side, Levi looked for the whip. It was already gone, reaching far above his head before its broken end cracked in the air. As it came down, straight down above Levi’s head, the shadows braiding themselves into its wickedly glowing end, Levi coiled himself. It wasn’t strategy. It was instinct. Ignoring the fresh pain in his side, he crouched. The muscles in his legs exploding, Levi sprinted away, trying to outrun the weapon sweeping down onto him. There was only time, only concentration, to do one thing. So Levi didn’t slash. He didn’t dodge. He ran.

The whip cracked above his head. So close his ears rang with the sound. Sparks fell down over his shoulders, smoldering in his t-shirt and hair. But the blow had missed. And as Levi’s steps slowed, he turned. He’d made it out of the whip’s range in time. It wasn’t getting any longer- he’d noticed- and he’d just confirmed the edge of its reach. It could be cut, but not for long. It could be wielded even if broken, though its range was drastically reduced, and it was nowhere near as flexible without its thin frayed end. That was the part he needed to watch out for, Levi thought, as he collected himself, sizing up Kenny.

Kenny’s arm rose in the air. High above his head- his tall frame stretching up, a dark silhouette reaching up to the sky. His shadow, darker than night, pooled on the ground around them. As the whip started to whistle through the air, deceptively slow as it followed the arc of Kenny’s arm, Levi planned his next move. He could throw his knives- but that would leave him unarmed, and summoning more would leave him tired. It was too early for anything like that. He could use a trap- but it was impossible to force Kenny to move, and he had no idea if they’d work. There was only one option. He needed to get close. The whip waved and cracked, its power gathering again, each change in direction marked by a sound as loud as gunshot.

A deep breath was all Levi needed to convince himself to rush Kenny, and he darted in, eyes fixed on the light of the whip. It followed the motion of Kenny’s arm, projecting it onto the night sky, and Levi was thankful for the split-second warning of its approach. When it came for him he dodged, stepping hard to his left, twisting away as it hummed past his ear. His right arm moved quickly, out and up, clipping its end once again.

This time he didn’t stop. He didn’t wait to hear it hit the ground. He charged forward, darting his knives out to cut the whip wherever he could, moving quickly enough that Kenny stumbled back to keep distance between them. He slashed at the whip as he ran, lopping off lengths that hit the ground soundlessly as they melted into the dark. Even as he cut the weapon reformed, but its pace was limited, and Levi closed in quickly. With a shout of triumph he darted at Kenny, slashing to his right, aiming for Kenny’s chest. The man stepped back. The dodge was fast. But Levi was faster. His knife cut a shallow trail, slitting through fabric and skin, catching on Kenny’s collar bone and sweeping upward. His second stroke, to the left, was meant to disarm. A little too high, it found the meat of Kenny’s bicep, slashing the muscle open and separating tendons. Too shallow to reach bone, it passed quickly through, a spray of blood flung from its blade as it arced the air.

Taking one more step forward to balance the momentum, Levi faked with his shoulder. With a roar of pain and anger Kenny fell back, just as Levi had hoped, and he reversed direction of his steps as quickly. Using every second Kenny spent recovering his balance, he sprinted away, seeking a safe distance. Only when he was sure the whip could not reach did he turn, breathing heavy. Adrenaline pounded his heartbeat in his ears. Kenny was powerful. He couldn’t afford to make mistakes. Assessing the damage his rush had done, Levi felt a thrill of satisfaction. Kenny’s arm hung by his side. The cut was deep, a dark stain already growing on his jacket sleeve. Limp and heavy looking, Kenny’s injury was plain to see. He must have cut enough to- wielding the whip should be-

The handle of the whip looked strange. It looked bigger. No, longer. Its braids unraveling, lengths of dark rope flapped free. They wrapped around Kenny’s forearm, moving up, binding a crisscrossed pattern up until they reach his shoulder. The relief that had welled up in Levi’s chest drained from him in an instant. It left nothing but dread as he watched Kenny raise his arm above his head once more. As he watched the arc and snap, the complex motion followed by the whip cracking the air. His mouth tasted like ash and disgust over the failure. Kenny had bound the whip to his arm. He’d splinted and fortified it with shadow itself. Levi cursed himself silently, for thinking it would be enough to fight Kenny’s body, even as Kenny began to laugh.

“This is getting interesting,” Kenny cackled. “Did you think you’d figured something out? Just because you gave my whip a few little cuts?”

Levi’s jaw tightened, his knuckles standing out white where he gripped his knives. He would have to rush Kenny again. This time he would have to be faster. This time he couldn’t miss. The sound of Kenny’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Well, now it’s my turn. A fight’s no fun without a challenge, right?”  

The whip flashed and cracked in the air. Sparks of purple electricity buzzed along its length, sizzling from its tip as its motion grew more frenzied. Fast enough that he had trouble tracking it, the air in its path growing hot and thick. Becoming strange and heavy, like smoke building into clouds, the violet tint spread everywhere the weapon touched. As it grew even more difficult to see, Levi squinted through the soupy air. Kenny looked more like a shadow than a man. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, Levi blinked into the fog that had gathered. He could still see crackles of electricity, like lightening, but they were no longer centered on the whip. The very air was charged, pressing in, raising the hairs on his neck and arms, and leaving so little room to breathe.

A bolt of light burst to his side, making him whirl. A snap sounded, immediately following the bolt. White-hot where it seared the growing cloud, its afterimage pulsed purple and smelled of rain. Distracted momentarily, Levi looked around wildly. But he could no longer locate Kenny. He couldn’t even see the shadow. The air had condensed, shutting out sight, flashes in his periphery distracting him as they leapt and forked, followed by pops and bursts. It was impossible to see anything. Levi couldn’t even remember which direction he’d faced. They all looked the same.

Smoke.

He heard something else, something different from the unpredictable electricity jumping and flashing. Something familiar, that grew louder, or closer. A wheezing, dry laugh- Kenny’s. It grew in volume, making him whip around again, trying to locate its source. But it played the same tricks as the flashes of light, disorienting, from every direction and no direction, echoing as though they stood in a cave instead of on an open bridge.

Mirrors.

Even amidst the din, Levi sensed it. Perhaps it was the way his neck tingled. Or the metallic taste that settled in his throat. Or maybe it was some other sense that had grown keen over the past fifty years, one that knew the feeling of magic- ancient and inevitable.

He ducked, flinging himself to the ground. The whip cracked where his head had been, its boom deafening, its sparks hot on his back. He rolled away. Direction didn’t matter, and there was no time to choose. Scrambling to his feet he ran. To gain distance, to locate a landmark, something- anything. Levi’s feet pounded the concrete, plowing through the knee-high weeds. The limb of an overgrown shrub snapped under his foot, slowing him only barely. He kept running. They had a plan, he reminded himself. He needed to stick to it. No matter what. Erwin was counting on him. The gravel shifted under his foot and he slid, regaining his balance with effort as he searched. He needed to get his bearings. Or Kenny would never be in the right place at the right time. Levi cursed under his breath, eyes searching the fog wildly, running steps pounding in his ears. The edge of the road loomed up from nowhere, its low concrete barrier and rail the first solid thing he could see. Hardly able to stop in time, he changed direction, running along it as his feet slowed.

 A spindly bush appeared to his right. It looked familiar, pushing the pavement up in a way he thought he recognized. As he got closer Levi knew he’d seen it before. Good enough- his time was too limited for doubt.  He reoriented himself, thankful that he’d spent so much effort meticulously scouting the area. He moved quickly, setting off towards a trap he’d drawn up earlier, one he hoped was only twenty feet from the bush. Lights and crashes kept sounding in the thick cloud around, their booms echoing as Kenny’s wheezing laughter twisted in the air.

Levi felt a tingle run up his spine when he stepped into it, and he crouched down to the ground, fishing a lighter from his pocket. The ward he’d drawn was similar to the ones he’d made in chalk on the floor of Erwin’s apartment, though with no candles and no time, he’d had to adapt its form. Even worse, it was hard to see with the ground soaked in Kenny’s shadow. Flicking the lighter on, he waved its fire close to the ground, watching flames of burnt orange shoot along lines where it caught. The marks he’d made glowed to life, black shadow fleeing from them and uncovering the grey pavement beneath. Getting himself inside the ring, he stood. He bent over, catching his heaving breath while the circle blazed and the runes looping along its rim smoldered.

It was meant as a barrier. To protect him from Kenny. He’d meant to lure the fight close to them, to step inside and wait for Kenny to be hurt when he tried to enter. But Kenny fought with a whip. And with illusions. And there was no way to lure him in now. Still, Levi hoped desperately that the circle might have a specific side-effect he was counting on. One Erwin had reminded him of.

The fire ring closed around him. A hum filled the air. The flames licked up. Everywhere they touched, the magic-laden clouds hissed, dark smoke belching from flame’s tips. Even if Kenny would never enter it, Levi had still set his barrier. And Erwin had been right. The barrier was built to nullify whatever magic touched it. Including smoke. Including mirrors. The flames danced and popped, but they burnt on. Purple haze and electric clouds turning to ugly smoke, and falling as ash, covered the ground in a fine powder of grey. As they burnt off the magic, the air thinned. Levi could see more and more through it. It wouldn’t be enough to consume everything, and the flames were already beginning to weaken, their power used up as they burnt. But if he could light them all- then maybe it could be enough. At least for one shot. One chance to get close to Kenny again.

Jumping over the ring of fire, Levi ran in the direction he knew the next one lay in. He had no time. He’d already used too much up thinking. Now he had to act. Kenny’s illusions were disorienting, but they also served as cover, and he needed that to light the rest of the wards. His feet hitting the pavement hard, moving quickly over the bridge, he headed towards its center. This time, as soon as he felt the oddness of the dormant barrier, he bent down. Flicking the lighter on, he swiped it over the pavement, catching the lines aflame and stepping to its other side, lighting the ground there as well as he let it flare to life. Not stopping to watch, he set off to the next circle. Not sure where he’d need them, he’d drawn five, and he was glad for the number as his feet pounded over the ground.

The air already felt less static, and Levi tried to keep an eye on his surroundings even as he jumped over a large rock in his way. The next ward lay at the far end of the bridge, and Levi prayed that he wasn’t running straight towards Kenny. There was no way to know. Not with the flashes of lightening slicing above and crackling to his sides, burning dull glow into his retinas as he pushed through the haze. He heard the crack of a whip and hit the ground, not even caring when his elbows and knees went down hard, gravel pricking little points of pain into skin rubbed hot by the skid. A bang sounded, somewhere to his right, and Levi cursed silently, pushing himself to his feet as quickly as he could, taking off towards the wards once more.

He lit the third and the fourth in quick succession. Barely ten feet apart, their placement was chosen more on instinct than logic. Just as he left the fourth, pausing for a moment to remember where the last circle lay, a length of dark shadow whipped and flicked where he’d been just moments earlier, cracking the air open in the center of the circle. It passed above the fire, but didn’t leave, instead falling as a thick line of so much ash, dousing orange sputtering flames. The circles were working. They burnt the magic from the air, and Levi felt a flicker of hope.

Erwin’s plans had been right. And Levi would stop at nothing to follow them.

Levi took stock of the area. The air no longer hummed with electricity. The haze had thinned. Enough that Levi could see almost twenty feet, could make out shadows beyond, but still not enough to see Kenny. He’d tricked him for a second though, the flames fooling his enemy into striking at a target that wasn’t there, and Levi took advantage of the time it bought him. He headed toward the final circle, thankful his path lay opposite from where the whip had come.

He lit the last ward and kept running. The thick air still provided some cover. Enough. There was one more thing he’d need. One more thing they’d planned. Levi found the large crack in the pavement. It was easier to locate now that Kenny’s shadow had retreated. The wards had sucked enough of it up already. On his knees he stuck a hand between chunks of cement, feeling rough edges before finding the zip-top plastic bag he’d stowed there. He pulled it out, getting his weapons ready. He had to be quick. This wasn’t like the wards- there was no protection here and the haze was almost gone.

Levi frowned, pricking the side of a finger, sucking a breath in as he squeezed it and a bead of blood welled and dripped. He smeared it down his knife blades, wiping the rest on his jeans. The bloodied blades went into the bag of brown-red metal shavings. Sizzling and hissing angry sparks, the scent of fireworks made his nose wrinkle before he pulled the knives out, pocketing the rest of the powder.

Levi scanned the bridge. It was time to strike. He had to follow the plan. He had to get Kenny into position. There was nothing to help him, nothing but his weapons, and the strength and speed in his body. He’d have to do it all himself. His eyes searched the haze, for shadow, for line. Trying to filter the sounds from the air he listened, determined to find any that belonged to feet, to the waving of a whip, to the grating notes of the awful laugh that had fallen silent. Straining with every fiber of his senses, he crouched, muscles coiled and ready.

Something moved. Levi burst toward it. Knives ready, he ran. Each step a quick breath, forcing his legs faster. The shape grew closer. He ran faster, harder. This might be his only clean shot. The shadow came into better focus with each foot on hard pavement. Arms, legs, hat- the smoke cloaking its form fell away. Levi was on top of Kenny before there was time to react. No yell, no warning. One swing- a clean arc across Kenny’s chest- and the man fell back with a cry. Clothing torn, his skin opened red, steaming blood spattered off the end of Levi’s knife. The second swing followed. Kenny’s whip arm came up to block it.

Levi’s knife found flesh, his weight thrown into it.

“Aaahhhhhrrrrh!” Kenny yelled. “What the- you little-” Intent on his purpose, Levi didn’t miss a beat. The knife sunk in, slicing through, burning bright where it touched as Kenny thrashed and screamed. To no avail. The scent of charred flesh and hair, laced with hints of rowan and the tang of iron pricked Levi’s eyes. Ready to force the knife through bone, Levi channeled strength into his arm. Only to be halted with a grinding shrill, friction sparking glass on metal. A thin blade, held in Kenny’s once-empty hand, stopped it.

“Ha!” Kenny cried as Levi strained. “Think you’re clever? Think you’re the only one with something up his sleeve?”

Gritting his teeth, Levi pushed harder. The blade only screamed in protest, flesh sizzling and burning around it. Struggling, Levi wondered how the small blade could be so strong- until Kenny lurched forward. On instinct, Levi wrenched the knife free, jumping back. Clearing the path of Kenny’s wide swing, he took another step backwards-

-and stumbled.

Uneven ground gave way under his foot. It shook and lifted. Thrown off balance, Levi paused. He saw Kenny’s wrist snap out and back. In time to know what he’d stepped on was the whip, but not in time to block it- its motion blurring through the air. He felt the pain before he saw where it landed. Red-hot licked over the back of his thighs. Lines of fire lit his side. The pressure followed only seconds later, his legs pushed together. The whip wrapped him from knee to navel. Then, with a lift and a tug of Kenny’s arm, his legs were yanked from beneath him.

“It’s time to teach you a lesson, filthy, ungrateful brat!” Kenny leered, all teeth.

Going down hard, his hip and shoulder hit the ground. The impact shocked all breath from his lungs, but his hands only gripped the knife handles tighter. They grounded him. He pushed the pain far away. Hard steel between his fingers. Not thinking, not aiming, he slashed up. Anywhere he could reach, twisting and thrashing his body until he felt rather than saw the whip’s tug. Leaning away from it, the whip stretched taut. He slashed at it, guessing where he couldn’t see. He guessed well. The whip snapped. A few quick cuts took care of the rest, freeing his legs.

Jumping to his feet, he ignored the pain. Instead he pushed forward. According to the plan. The only thing- no, the only person he could trust. He’d said he would follow Erwin. And he would. He rushed Kenny again. Slashing, again. With half the whip gone, the man was wide open. The small knife alone was no match for his blows. Raining a flurry of quick slices he blocked Kenny’s knife. Flitting his blade by it, nicking skin, slicing at anywhere he saw the shadow of Kenny’s whip growing. Occupied by whip and knife, on the offensive on all fronts, Levi fought like a madman. Forcing his weight behind his blows, rushing forward to follow them, at every turn pushing Kenny back. Everywhere his knife touched flesh it left puckered cuts, shallow but painful, seared at their edges.

The notes of their clashes sounded- staccato and quick. Forcing himself into Kenny’s space, Levi’s blade ripped the air to shreds between them. Pushing ever-forward, Levi kept Kenny falling back. He ignored the bite of Kenny’s knife in his knuckles. The slickness of blood seeping under his grip. Instead he swung faster, giving no quarter. It was the only way. Keeping this close, there was no room to swing a whip. And Levi’s blades were longer than Kenny’s small knife. Just a little more, Levi thought.

“Damn brat,” Kenny spat, losing ground.

Levi’s jaw set grimly, his face stone. There was no taunt Kenny could make that would break his focus. All that mattered was keeping him moving toward the bridge’s low rail. Narrowing his eyes, Levi kept up the fury of his blows. Slicing and slashing, at anything that moved. One step at a time. His focus narrowing to any flick or twitch of Kenny’s arms- any tell of his body. He could see it- the bridge’s edge. Closing the distance, he pushed forward, muscles burning as he blocked Kenny’s knife and forced it back. Just a little more-

“Enough!” Kenny grinned, his heel pressing back to the low concrete barrier as his retreat ended. “Playtime. Is. Over,” he snarled. Purple flames flaring in shadowed eyes, he bellowed, “Levi Ackerman! Stop!”

Levi’s limbs froze to stone. “RrrraaAAAHH- FUCK!”  he roared, frustration ripping from his throat. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuck!” He yelled, straining, pushing, willing his muscles to obey, even as his nerves screamed. He was so close. So fucking close. A pounding started behind his eyes, blurring his vision. His blood thick, lacing pain along every nerve. His breath was short. His muscles were immovable. His fingers shook, heart pounding even as his head swam, bright lights popping behind his eyes. He was too close for this- he had to- had to-

“Hahaaaaa- aaaaaah,” Kenny’s whoop of laughter cut him deep. Deeper than any pain. Frustration and anger boiling over, they poured through his body. The blades shaking in his grip, his arms burnt with exertion. “Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaah!” Kenny’s cut-off barks seared into his brain.

So close. But everything hurt. So. Fucking. Close. But- No- He had to-

Levi thought he saw it, thought he felt it-

His arm moving-

Barely, but-

WHUMP

There was no time to process the large blur of motion and golden streak of reflected light. Erwin crashed into Kenny, thick arms wrapping around the lanky man’s waist. Barreling forward, lifting him up, momentum unbroken as he tackled Levi’s enemy. And kept going- tipping away- over the low ledge of the bridge-

And gone.

Chapter Text

Able to move again, Levi rushed to the side of the road, heart hammering against his ribs as he leaned over and peered into the dark. Erwin and Kenny had both gone over. They’d planned it- but still. Doubt rose in Levi’s chest, making his eyes dart, searching the ground a story below. The bridge was high. Erwin was human. Kenny wasn’t. Even though they’d decided on this, there were still so many unknowns. If Erwin had lost his hold, or they’d twisted around in midair, or they landed badly, or-

As soon as he spotted motion, Levi trained his eyes on it. They were both on the ground. He sucked a ragged breath back into his lungs. Kenny was pinned below Erwin’s bulk, still struggling as Erwin fought to hold him down. Without hesitation Levi vaulted over the bridge’s side. Falling for only a few seconds, the impact jarred his heels and knees. But Levi bent and folded, rolling to lessen the force. Instead of breaking bones it merely bruised and battered, scraping his arms raw over the rocks covering the ground.

Chunky gravel covered the ground, but it covered more than brush and dirt. It covered the tracks. Train tracks.

Iron.

Metal crisscrossed all around. In long, straight paths it spread in all directions. On every side, iron caged them in. Iron forced magic out.

The unused train-yard was Erwin’s ultimate trap.

An unearthly shriek rent the air. Whipping his head towards it, Levi forced himself up, running flat-out toward Erwin and the sound. The scream grew high, raspy, the form under Erwin writhing and bucking.

“Youuuuu! Fucking! Bratssss!” The words grated, as though no human mouth had formed them. Erwin’s shoulders shook, his hands grabbing and holding, pushing Kenny down, forcing his back against the tracks. “How dare you!” Kenny- no- Kenny wasn’t the right name for what Erwin struggled to contain. Something else shrieked and fought, scratching and kicking as Erwin grunted and held on for dear life. Something that was not human. Something fey. Pale human skin peeling away from the too-large, too-thick body, revealing shifting purple hues underneath where the magic leaked through. The flimsy illusion was sloughing off, revealing the being underneath. A being of magic writhed away from the metal rails, wicked horns curving up from its forehead, brimstone and ozone wafting up in smoke each time it was forced back down.

This was no longer Kenny.

“Filthy Brats!” Oberon hissed, too-long jet-black teeth turning the word into a wet lisp. “You think pinning me me like this- you think your stupid games- aaaAAAArrrrrh!”

A savage kick forced Erwin off, flinging him onto the ground.

Levi rushed at Kenny, only to trip over an iron rail when his muscles cramped painfully to a grating yell of, “Levi Ackerman, you will stop!” He stumbled, twisting his back just enough to avoid falling on his face before the full force of the command hit him. Lying on the ground, breath shallow, he watched Oberon, jaw clenched.

The fairy that stood hunched before him snarled, surveying the ground, spitting on the train tracks in anger as he twisted around, finally realizing just how surrounded he was. “How DARE you! Filthy! Disgusting! Pieces of shit!” He screamed, the rage pouring off him in palpable waves. Pain stabbed through Levi’s veins, responding to the agony of his master even though he’d already obeyed the comment. He closed his eyes against it for a moment before recovering, forcing his focus back onto Oberon.

But no matter how he stared, something was wrong. Oberon was- hard to see. Out of focus. Levi blinked, at first convinced what he saw was another illusion. The fairy’s edges had grown indistinct, his form hazy. But there was so much iron. Levi could feel Oberon’s rage at it. It proved that Erwin’s plan had worked. This could not be magic. As Oberon straightened up slowly, his full height unfurled while Levi’s eyes went up and up. The remains of the shell of his human disguise fell away, sheets of skin tearing and falling from him only to wrinkle uselessly on the ground.

His false skin fully shed, ripped away by the metal trusses they’d trapped him on, Oberon’s true form was revealed. He was taller than any man Levi had ever seen. He was wider too, solid in the way a wild creature is- all muscle, and bone, and cruel instinct. Curling horns and sharpened teeth shone wickedly, lit by the shifting hues of indigo and violet glowing faintly under his skin. His eyes blazed a purple so unearthly bright they hurt to look at- their afterimage dancing in Levi’s retinas when he tore his gaze from them.

Levi did not see Erwin pick himself up from the ground. He didn’t see him crouch, or begin to run. He didn’t know until Erwin’s yell and the pounding of sneakers on shifting gravel made him finally look. Oberon’s eyes flickered, his gaze dispassionate and lazy as he raised a long, clawed finger.

“Stop him, Levi.”

Sucking in a breath, Levi braced himself. Flattening himself to the ground, willing his body heavy, he fought the order. He could do it. It was only his first name. His feet shuffled in the stones, knees bending under him even as he pressed his chest down further. A dull thumping began to sound- his heart in his ears. It sped up, his blood willing him to rise. He had to fight this. He had to buy Erwin time. Even as his hands started to press his body up, against his will and gravity, he resisted through clenched teeth.

Something in Oberon’s face twitched. Erwin’s good arm swung through the air, fist connecting below his ribs. The blow was hard, the weight of Erwin’s back and shoulders well-channeled. Oberon stumbled back with the follow-through, holding his side as he hissed.

“Stop him!” He wheezed, “Get him! Levi!” Oberon roared. “Ki-”

WHUMP

An elbow to his jaw and Erwin’s leg swinging out to kick the back of his knee cut the frenzied shouts in half. Their momentum pounded over Levi, shock waves shaking him away from the earth and sending him to his feet in a faltering run. Still fighting, Levi stumbled drunkenly closer to the fight, half-blinded by jolts of pain shooting up his shins with each footstep. He weaved, doing everything in his power to trip himself with his own feet, willing himself clumsy and heavy in every possible way. Still his body dragged him closer to Erwin. As he got within range his arm thrashed out, the blade of his knife jerking as he wrenched his shoulder back to divert its path to whiff through the air inches above Erwin’s shoulder.

“Don’t, Levi! Don’t hurt me!” Erwin turned, bellowing an order that countered Oberon’s in time to bring him to a full stop. This was a command that was easy to follow, and Levi let it take hold of him, welcoming the relief. His muscles stopped burning, the pain of resistance vanishing immediately. The gasps he took, refilling his lungs, letting his muscles unclench, were a luxury that lasted only a moment. Oberon’s mouth twisted into a teasing grin.

“I see how it is,” he said. “You’ve learned a new trick. It don’t make you less of a dog. Two can play this game. Fight him, Levi Ackerman.”

Caught off-guard, Levi’s other arm swung, knife slashing. Erwin ducked, his left hand coming up to close around Levi’s wrist. It squeezed and held, stopping the knife in mid-air, as Erwin strained against it. He was strong, his grip solid around Levi’s wrist.

“No!” Levi cried, his exhausted brain and body urging him in opposite directions. His body pushed, muscles straining against Erwin’s tight grip. His mind pulled, trying to escape the all-consuming command’s power even as faded sparks popped in his vision. His arm hurt. It hurt. Erwin’s fingers were wrapped so tight. Crushing his wrist, the pressure building where the command made Levi push against it. Pain in his arm mingled with the pounding fire of the words needing to be obeyed. They coursed through him, veins lighting, Erwin’s arm shaking with the effort of holding him back. Raising his other knife, the command sliding down the path of least resistance, his grip switched to reverse. Levi stabbed at Erwin’s right.

“Levi Ackerman, no!”

He faltered, Erwin’s voice and his name reaching him through the confusion. He felt fingers wrap around his right arm too, allowing Erwin time to finish his thoughts. “Don’t move, Levi Ackerman! Drop the knives!”

His fingers uncurled. Glass knives clattered to the ground. The grip on his arms loosened, then fell away as he sank to his knees.

“Levi Ackerman!” The notes of Oberon’s yell were harsh. “Get up!”

He scrambled to his feet.

“Stay away, Levi Ackerman!” Erwin raised his arms, emphasizing his point.

Levi balked. His body switching gears so quickly his mind could hardly keep up.

“Fight that man! Levi Ackerman!”

The knives were in his hands. He had no control.

“Levi Ackerman, don’t come near!”

His steps froze mid-run, tipping him down into gravel.

“Levi-”

“Don’t-”

“-let him get-”

“Pick up-”

“-stay-”

“-Ackerman!”

The voices blended together. The shouts were no longer Erwin’s, or Kenny’s, or Oberon’s. They were an indistinguishable mess. They swirled. Yelling his name. Throwing it into the air. Echoing it back from every direction. Snippets of orders. Broken commands. His body pulsed and hummed, the flashes of pain jolting him this way and that. There were too many. It was too much. From every side they assaulted him, forcing the breath from his lungs, knocking him to the ground, curling his body tight around itself as his name thrummed in every nerve. Levi. Ackerman. Levi Ackerman. It pulsed and throbbed, tearing him apart. Ripping him to shreds, the pain of being unable to even distinguish the commands was overwhelming. His nails clawed at his burning ears, trying desperately to shut out the sound.

But he couldn’t shut out the yells. Or the other sounds. Sounds of battle. Sounds he hadn’t noticed in the background. Erwin was fighting, Levi realized dimly through the paralysis of his agony. For exactly how long he wasn’t sure. He could hear snarls and yelps. Blows. Feet.

And when he raised his head, regaining some of his sense, he cracked an eye open. The two men fought. It was a physical clash- no weapons he could discern in either of their hands. Instead they wrestled, lobbing bare-handed blows at each other. The fight was dirty. Oberon was weakened without his magic. Slower, his steps and motions almost drunken. Less powerful, his punches merely mortal in their strength. It was enough that Erwin’s athleticism and desperation made up for his still-healing right arm. The two were more evenly matched than Levi had dared to hope. Erwin was doing well, Oberon losing ground to his aggressive stance. As he pulled his left arm back for another punch, he shot a look over his shoulder.

In the split second Levi’s eyes locked on Erwin’s face. His mouth was open, the sounds of Levi’s name already formed in his lips. A cold dread gripped his chest, anticipation of the coming order rising thick in his throat. But as the moment stretched, grey eyes meeting piercing blue, Erwin’s face changed. He stared at Levi. His jaw fell open, mouth shaping a soundless wail, as though he could feel the dread and pain and frustration warring inside Levi, as the color drained from his skin.  His mouth closed instead, setting into a determined line. The hard light in his blue eyes softened.

And Levi’s name died on his lips.

Neither of them saw the blow that came from Erwin’s right. Oberon’s elbow jabbed down on Erwin’s shoulder. He crumpled under its force.

“There! You like that? Weaklings!” Oberon roared as Erwin rolled away from a kick aimed at his stomach. “Pathetic!” He shot a glare at Levi. “Disgusting! Needing some dumb mortal to clean up your messes for you! Like I never taught you nothing!” Erwin got to his feet, squaring his shoulders before lowering his left and rushing at Oberon. Levi watched, helpless, as Oberon turned with the charge. As he narrowly avoided it he grasped Erwin’s shoulder, diverting the momentum and pushing the man to the ground. “Like I didn’t give you EVERYTHING, LEVI ACKERMAN!” He raged, skin blazing ultraviolet bright as purple fire flared beneath.

“You’re nothing- nothing but a damn kid! And you’ll never be more ‘n that! Hear me? You’re nothing!” He shrieked into the night. “Nothing without me!”

This time when Erwin came at him, his steps were slower. His body was ungainly. Tired. Heavy. He couldn’t dodge Oberon’s sharp kick to his knee. He stumbled, off-balance. The next blow found him. Erwin twisted too slow away from a sucker punch straight to the stomach. He fell, hardly even looking at Oberon. Instead his steady eyes bore into Levi’s. Silent but for a grunt, he took the force of Oberon’s anger. Levi watched, still unable to shake free from the lingering buzz holding him flat to the ground, tears squeezing out the edges of his eyes. Erwin was being beaten before his eyes. There was nothing he could do. Erwin struggled to rise, blows raining down on his shoulders and back, knocking him down again and again, no matter how many times he pushed himself up.

An elbow to the center of his back knocked the wind from him. Erwin’s chest hit the ground.

Oberon straightened, taking a step away from where Erwin lay by his feet. Beneath him, Erwin lay, blood smeared over his face from a cut on his chin, struggling to push himself up from the gravel. His weakened right arm buckled, the fight and the strain too much. His body dipped, nose coming dangerously close to the rocks before he caught himself, pushing awkwardly away from the ground to look up at a smirking Oberon. A chill ran up Levi’s neck where he lay, helpless, rooted painfully to the spot, unable to summon his own will to act.

“I’ve already had you killed once, Erwin Smith,” Oberon snarled, blazing eyes slits of cold fire in the dark. “But looks like you don’t know how to stay dead. Lucky for you, I know just the man to teach you.” He looked up, straight at Levi, his gaze burning its image into Levi’s soul as all feeling drained from his face.

It was coming.

“Kill him.”

Levi stopped breathing. He knew exactly what was coming. And he could not stop it.

“Finish the job, Levi Ackerman.”

It had arrived.

“Kill that man.”

The command gripped him. He stood shakily. His legs moved, slowly, dragging his weight even as he fought it. His mind screamed NO, but he couldn’t even open his mouth. All he could do was scream in silence, in his own head, not a single sound making it out of his tight throat and clenched teeth. Erwin could counter this.

And for some reason, he wasn’t even trying.

Another step closer. Erwin was alive. He could speak. He could stop this. So- why-

The image of Erwin’s mouth closing shut flashed in his mind. The way his face had changed, when he’d seen Levi lying on the ground, wracked by pain and haunted by words, was unmistakable. But Levi hadn’t fully realized what it meant until now.

Two shuffled steps.

Erwin was refusing to command him.

Levi’s teeth ground as he struggled. He had no choice. He would have to obey. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t fight. It didn’t mean he wanted any of this. Even as his feet brought him closer--in slow, halting steps--he resisted. He fought every single one, with every nerve, desperately sending counter messages from his brain, pleading his muscles to stop. He tried everything he could think of to confuse them, to sabotage them, to throw his own body off balance however he could, even as the inevitable crunch of gravel under his labored footfalls continued.

“That’s right, kid,” Oberon mused, though Levi could barely hear his words over the hammering of his own heart. “There ain’t nothing you can do. You’re mine. Always will be. Kill him, Levi Ackerman. I want to watch.”

Each step brought him closer. Each step ached and burned and pounded, every muscle knotted tight in defiance. But the more he fought it the more it hurt, a dull pain pounding louder at the back of his head as his feet moved, shuffling ever-closer to where Erwin lay. No matter how he screamed and raged and pleaded NO, the words rung clear in his mind. Kill him, Levi Ackerman. Kill him. They repeated and echoed, the whisper growing in volume and drowning out his thoughts, his efforts to hold them at bay.

All he could see was Erwin, lying on the ground before him. Battered and beaten, he twisted to look up at Levi.

With the bluest of eyes.

They were so very blue.

Levi’s lungs shuddered as his vision grew blurry at the edges, welling warm until the tears slid down his cheeks. Until he could see nothing but Erwin. And those blue eyes.

They were eyes that didn’t plead. Instead they looked. And with them, Erwin saw everything.

Erwin saw him.

And he did not look away. Instead he watched, gaze soft and steady. Erwin’s eyes did not waver or shake, unlike Levi’s hand as he raised his knife. They did not falter, even as Levi’s fingers threaded into Erwin’s hair, jerking his head up to expose his neck. And never once did they leave Levi’s own, staring into his soul, as he guided the edge of his blade under Erwin’s chin, pressing it to the vulnerable skin of his neck.

Erwin’s eyes were calm. They were full of quiet trust.

And God were they blue.

And knowing he couldn’t do anything- couldn’t stop this in any way- it hurt more than any command ever could.

Levi’s eyes squeezed shut, unable to face everything he saw in Erwin’s as he fought the command, tears slipping down his cheeks as his body shook.

“Fucking useless.”

A whoosh of air and the sound of footsteps made Levi’s eyes fly open. He watched as Oberon tugged Erwin from him, dragging him up off the ground, lifting him easily despite his weight. “Want shit done right you’ve gotta do it yourself,” he griped, wrapping a purple hand around Erwin’s windpipe and pointing the edge of his short blade underneath his ribs.

“W-wait,” Erwin gasped.

“Fucking hell.” Oberon grumbled. Levi’s grip shook as he continued to fight the heaviness of the command, using every ounce of Oberon’s distraction to hold himself back.

“Let’s- make a deal,” Erwin croaked. Pausing, Oberon stood still for a moment. Then his grip slackened, and Erwin dropped from it. His legs folded under him, weight settling heavily on his knees an arm’s length from the fairy. Oberon’s gaze flicked over to where Levi still stood, frozen by internal struggle. He held up a hand, and Levi felt himself released. Every muscle going in a different direction, the opposing force of the command suddenly gone, he tipped backward, collapsing on the ground.

“The hell you want?” Oberon asked accusingly, turning to where Erwin knelt.

“I want- to make a deal.”

Now that he could think, fear gripped Levi, the word deal immediately standing out. His skin prickled.

No, Erwin, don’t, he thought, his mind racing even as he struggled to collect himself.

“A deal?” Oberon crossed his arms over his chest, quirking one brow upwards. “What kind of deal, huh? Tell me, human, what do you think you have to offer me?”

“My life,” Erwin countered.

No, no, no, no, Levi pleaded silently. It was all too familiar. Like the worst version of déjà vu imaginable.   A deal. Images flashed across his mind. Not just any images- memories. Things coming back to haunt him, a past he’d buried and left to rot fifty years ago. But as they filled his mind, playing in a grotesque supercut, he saw them again, as fresh as though they were yesterday.

A strange bar. A door he’d walked through on his own, leaving Isabel behind. A day that had changed everything.

A deal. Trying to fight Oberon. Failing. Deciding to bargain with the King of Fairies instead. Furlan, lying on the ground. Looking up at him. Always looking up to him. Even when he was on his knees.

The images bubbled up, pouring through his mind in a flood. Don’t do it, Erwin, he prayed.

He had already seen how this one ended. He’d seen it a million times. In his dreams and waking nightmares he’d replayed it endlessly. Don’t take it, Oberon. Don’t. Please. Don’t.

“And why do you think I’d want that?” Oberon’s mouth cracked open in a wicked smile.

Levi had seen it all before. The force of the memories was overwhelming. It kept him rooted to the spot, unable to stand, unable to move, unable to do anything but watch as the past washed over him, replaying itself before his very eyes.

“Because I know what you want.” Erwin’s words echoed. They were familiar. So familiar. Too familiar.

And what is that? Levi thought, filling in the next line, the memory of Oberon’s voice uncanny.

“And what is that?” Oberon chimed the same response.

NO! Levi’s head reeled. It was happening again. Somehow. The past, the present, one overlaid perfectly over the other.

“You want someone strong…”

“…You want someone young…” the words replayed in Levi’s memory at the exact moment they came from Erwin’s mouth.

“…You want someone smart…”

“…Someone to do your bidding…” it was like his memories were finishing Erwin’s sentences for him, uncanny and terrible.

“…who knows how to fight…”

“Someone who can handle it.”

It was all the same.

The same words he’d said. Strong, young, smart, each drove a knife through his heart.

FUCK.

They were the same things he’d said. The same arguments he’d made. In exchange for Furlan’s life, he’d used the same reasoning. He’d said those same exact words. Every last one of them. There was no mistaking it, not when they’d changed everything, not when they’d stolen so much of his life- both waking and in dreams. No matter how many years he’d put between them and himself, the memory was still raw.

And it was all happening again.

Levi’s head swum, caught in the currents of his memories. Erwin’s outline, where he knelt in front of him blurring, changing, as though he was seeing himself in the exact same place. He had knelt. Saying the exact same words. He had spoken them. Only now he was Furlan. He was on the other side.

And he knew exactly how this one ended.

Levi gritted his teeth, his fingers digging into the gravel, stones pressing hard into his palms.

Erwin was making the exact same mistakes he had. He was giving up his life, without even knowing its value. Everything. Forever. Doomed to serve as Oberon’s errand boy, his assassin, his dishwasher, his lap dog- whatever Oberon wanted, whenever he wanted it. Stones dug into his flesh, his breath coming in short gasps.

Erwin continued. “I can be loyal to you. And I’ve always wondered what it would be like to live forever. Besides, I’m bigger than Levi, I’ll probably be stronger too with whatever power you’d give me. The way I see things, it’s an excellent deal for you. Think of it as trading up.”

Each word flared and seared as Erwin said it. They were almost exactly the same ones he’d used. I can be loyal… what it would be like to live forever…Think of it as trading up. His own arguments thrown back in his face. They blurred the past and the present, morphing and melding the two into one, overlaying the pain of both. Exactly the same. He’d done the same thing. He’d given everything to save Furlan and spare Isabel. And Erwin was doing it all again. Hurting him to protect him.

Exactly as Levi had done.

He couldn’t watch and do nothing. He couldn’t let Erwin do this. Erwin had a life, he had friends, he had a future, and he’d have none of that if Oberon agreed.

And Oberon would agree. Levi knew it in his bones. After all, he’d seen it all once- no- a million times before if he counted every nightmare, every second it haunted him, every unspoken regret. He couldn’t let this past repeat itself and trap Erwin. He had to save him. He had to do it.

“Take me instead,” Erwin offered.

A bolt of clarity hit Levi like lightening, sparking understanding that blazed through his synapses.

Erwin didn’t see it as throwing his life away.

He was doing this for Levi.

He used the same words. And he must be feeling the same things Levi had felt fifty years ago.

Erwin was offering his life for Levi’s.

Not because he didn’t care about his own future.

But because he cared more about Levi.

Because he believed the same things about Levi that Levi thought of him.

He believed that Levi’s life had value.

It had meaning.

It had a future.

It was worth giving up everything for.

And no one had ever done something so stupid, so frustrating, and so completely devastating to Levi before.

No one had ever cared enough.

But Erwin did.

Something snapped inside him, a flood crashing through his body.

Before he knew it he was up. Running. Full speed towards Oberon. Nothing in his hands, his knives nowhere to be found. He didn’t need them. There was nothing to slow him down as a battle yell ripped from his raw throat.

“Stop! Levi Ackerman!”

Oberon’s words hit him like a truck. They crashed over him, jarring his teeth, making every muscle scream. But as he caught a glimpse of Erwin- the bluest of eyes trained steady on him- he kept going. The pain didn’t matter. But this did. Sprinting at full speed through the blinding agony, Levi barreled down on Oberon.

The fairy flinched. He stepped back, shuffling quickly away from Erwin, hands coming up in front of himself. There was fear in his widening eyes. He started babbling- “Ackerman- I command you! Stop! Levi Ackerman! Stop moving! Stop!”

It hurt. It fucking hurt. It hurt more than anything Levi had ever felt. But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was getting to Oberon. All that mattered was Erwin. Pain was something he could live through. And he hadn’t died from it yet. But if he lost Erwin- the one person who truly cared- if he could never right the wrongs of his past- if he allowed this cycle to continue- that was something he could not abide. That would kill him, Levi knew.

That, and nothing else.

Levi was done making deals.

And the world cracked apart around him.

His limbs felt light. They felt fast. Strength flowing through his body.

Oberon kept yelling, his tone growing high and raspy, shrieked commands and curses filling the air with increasing urgency as he ran.

But Levi could hardly hear them. They flowed past him and didn’t stick. The pain was gone. The words didn’t matter. They were only sounds.

And they could not stop him.

As he got close, Levi slowed. He concentrated. Summoning the energy pulsing in his blood, he cleared his head. He closed his eyes, letting his feet guide him. Visualizing it, he gathered and shaped the power, seeing the blades in his mind. Solid in his hands, the weight was comfortable. It was familiar. And this time it was so much more. He could see it, feel it, all the power he’d pulled from within, the invisible force crystallizing in the air around him-

-and when he opened his eyes, they had materialized-

-thousands of shards of glass-

-innumerable blades reflecting, shivering, in midair-

-surrounding his body, Oberon’s, Erwin’s, bringing the stars down from the moonless sky to twinkle around them-

As he stopped short, he swung both arms across his body in a wide arc, sending the knife in his left hand flying and razor shards of diamond slicing through the air.

They rushed forward in a rain, running Oberon through as his knife lodged in his shoulder, knocking him back. Blades whipped by Oberon’s torso and legs, flaying them and making him drop to the ground. Levi raised his right arm. A rush of power pounded through his body, jangling his nerves. It left the air shimmering as the glass suspended above them trembled, tinkling cold music as it hung. Sharp tips pointed toward earth, the shards flew down with a sweep of Levi’s arm, flowing from him like the raw strength surging in his veins. They pinned Oberon’s arms, burying themselves in his legs, forcing his body flat onto the iron tracks below.

Oberon howled, smoke and the scent of brimstone filling the air. But the blades kept coming. Every insult. Every year. Every command he had been forced to follow. One after another. Thousands of them. Fifty years’ worth. Slicing down from the sky, burying themselves in purple flesh and muscle, the rush of power pounding through Levi’s body feeding their supply.

As Levi walked over to stand above Oberon, amidst the sharp rain, the thrum of energy slowly ebbed from him. The glass, his power, once crystallized as long sharp shards, had grown smaller as the magic faded.  He looked down at Oberon, the source of his power, the source of his misery, all of which were fading quickly. A dusting of clear, sparkling sand sprinkled them both.

It was over.

Oberon coughed, a raspy dry sound. His body a pincushion of wounds, his eyes were half-closed, their fire already dimming.

“Come on,” Levi challenged, jostling Oberon’s shoulder with the toe of his boot. “Order me. Command me. I dare you. Say something.”

A heavy breath rattled from Oberon’s throat. “Don’t have nothing left to say,” he croaked.

“Oh?”

“…no.” Oberon admitted. “You beat me. Brat. You …won.”

Levi didn’t think he’d ever heard Oberon… or Kenny… speak so frankly. But looking at the man, or fairy, or creature, lying at his feet, he knew it was the truth. Kenny was dying. The knife in Levi’s hand felt less solid. He glanced at it. The blade seemed hazy, no longer clear as glass, the glow fading from it. The heaviness of exhaustion was already settling in his muscles. Levi let it weigh him down as he got close, crouching by Kenny and bending over him.

“I always knew it’d happen someday,” Kenny rasped. “Didn’t know when. Didn’t know it would be you. But…”

“But what?” Levi deadpanned, almost too exhausted to hear the answer.

“…but I hoped it might be.”

Levi stared. He didn’t know what to think. It was too much. Kenny was dying. He had killed him. Not that the man had done anything good for him. Not that he owed him anything. He had to kill him, for both Erwin and his own sake’s, and he felt no remorse, but-

He still couldn’t help but feel pity.

Kenny’s arm twitched. As he reached into the folds of his jacket, Levi’s back stiffened. But his hand came out holding nothing but a wooden box. The same box Levi had stolen- the one they’d come to retrieve. Fumbling at its lid, the carved designs under his fingers glowed for a moment before flickering out. The box fell open, and Kenny’s long fingers pulled an ornate key from inside.

“It’s yours,” he said.

“What?” Levi could hardly believe it. Kenny had fought him until the bitter end. He had never, not for a single moment, gone easy on him. He had intended to kill Levi just as fully as Levi intended to kill him. And yet-

“It can… never be stolen-” Kenny coughed, his chest shaking, “… you dumb brat… I ain’t good at this… made me pretend like I didn’t know- shit. Ha!” his laugh was sandpaper as he hacked it out between wheezing breaths, “it can never be stolen, but it can be given. Freely…”

“Why me?” Levi stammered.

“Because you… did a job for me… for a damn long time.” Kenny’s words were halting and thick. His eyes were unfocused, the shifting tones of purple under his skin faded to nothing more than the occasional flicker. “…and you did it damn well. To the end. I owe you …back-pay… brat.” His hand bumped Levi’s arm, fingers falling open as he offered him the key.

“You earned it.”

As Kenny’s eyes closed, Levi picked up the cold metal. As much hate as he’d felt for Kenny, it wasn’t easy to watch the labored breaths slow and stop, Kenny’s chest no longer moving. Maybe it was just the familiarity- he’d known the man for what seemed like forever. Maybe it was just the shock, of a force so oppressive and constant in his life being gone so suddenly. Maybe it was misplaced sympathy, for a creature who had endured a lonely eternity. But as the last of the flashes of light under Kenny’s skin faded, the magic in his body snuffed from the world, Levi closed his eyes for a moment. He gripped the key. The single thing Kenny had given him. It was a key to The Center, a way to enter the garden even after his own magic was gone. Knowing that Kenny had entrusted it to him, even if he didn’t know or understand its significance to Levi, was the closest Levi had ever gotten to feeling that there was some part of Kenny that was human after all.

And maybe it was the utter and complete exhaustion he felt in his bones, but Levi swallowed back a choked sob, a complicated mixture of relief, and accomplishment, and sadness, as Kenny died.

Levi turned to the sound of Erwin’s sneakers on the gravel approaching from behind.

“Are you okay?” Erwin asked, holding out his large, scarred hand.

Levi took it, pulling himself up to stand shakily. It lasted for only a moment before his legs buckled, unable to hold him. But strong arms caught him, wrapped around him, keeping him upright and pulling him close to Erwin’s chest. They felt warm. They felt good. And as Levi leaned against Erwin’s body, holding him tight, he thought that ‘okay’ wasn’t such a bad way to describe it.

“Yeah. I’m okay,” he answered. “Finally.”

Chapter Text

After Kenny- there was a day of silence. No calls. No messages. Nothing. To Erwin, the lack of communication was the loudest thing possible. It ate at him, even as he struggled through his own exhaustion. When he’d gotten back after the fight he’d slept like the dead for a blissful handful of hours, but as soon as the sun started pouring into the living room his body rebelled. Alone in his apartment, passed out on the couch in the same spot he’d collapsed the previous night, he tossed and turned through fitful bouts of groggy consciousness and near-sleep as long as he could. He barely made it to 9:00 am before he finally dragged himself to the bathroom to shower.

Halfway through his shower Erwin realized it was Thursday. And he did not have the day off.

The surprise snapped him back to reality, and Erwin scrubbed the rest of his body hastily. He turned off the water, reaching outside the shower curtain for a towel, and grabbed the first one his dripping fingers found. It was only when he brought it to his face that the towel’s faint scent told him it could not be his. Or, it was his- he owned it- but Levi was the one who had used it last. Even worse than realizing he was drastically late to work was the fresh wave of worry over Levi’s safety that washed over him.

He’d left Levi outside Oberon’s the night before. After helping him to the bar, Levi had found he could still get in, and he’d insisted that Erwin go home. Toweling off in a rush, Erwin searched the pockets of his discarded pants for his phone and flicked it unlocked.

Nothing. There was no message or missed call. Erwin dialed and listened to the ringer, the gnawing in his gut growing. He left a message. He sent a text. You ok? There was nothing left to do but wait.

Erwin waited all day. At work there wasn’t enough coffee in the world to cure how tired he still felt, and too many cups left him jittery, worsening the looming thoughts that came at him anytime he lost his focus. Staring out the window, fingers hovering over the keyboard as he typed, deleted, and then re-typed the same word three times, the lost moments in the break room as he poured coffee into his mug until it overflowed, running scalding down his fingers- they were all tinged with doubt. Levi was strong. He was the most capable person Erwin knew. But he’d been hurt in the fight, his magic was gone or fading, and now that Erwin thought about it, he had to be at least 80 years old. He would have felt a lot better if Levi had agreed to come home with him-

But that wasn’t something he felt he could ask of the man either.

There was no way to know if Levi had realized the full extent of Erwin’s betrayal. After all, it had worked. They’d both been too tired and grateful after the fight to talk much, and reassuring each other that they were both alive had taken priority. Now that the immediate threat was gone, the rest felt like it was crashing down on Erwin, the emotional debris from the fallout of the fight pinning him beneath its uncertainties. As much as he’d planned, as much as he’d calculated, as much as he’d manipulated and controlled every possible aspect he could influence, there were still unknowns- and they were the hardest thing to accept.

By the time Erwin stumbled back into his apartment, later than he’d planned after a conference call he’d almost dozed off in, he was a mess of twanging nerves and hollow exhaustion. He considered the couch with a serious eye, wondering if collapsing on it again was the best decision at this point. Instead, with a heavy sigh, he fished his phone from his pocket. There was still no response from Levi. His stomach gurgled, and Erwin regretted the last cup of coffee, thinking wistfully of the lunch he’d been too distracted to bother eating. As a compromise he thumbed through his contacts and called up his favorite Chinese restaurant, ordering delivery before methodically trudging to the bathroom for another shower.

Forty-five minutes later a large order of pork dumplings, Chinese broccoli, and a generous helping of noodles paired with two beers chased some of the hunger and lingering uneasiness away as Erwin chewed and watched a nature show he’d picked at random. The panning shots of mountains and closeups of some kind of fat rodent sunning itself on Alpine slopes were exactly the level of engagement he had mental energy for, and when the program was done Erwin found his mind had unwound itself enough to allow him to make his way to bed.

Erwin’s relief was immense the next morning when he woke up to both his alarm and a text.

Slept all yesterday- missed your call. Feeling OK. See you tonight?

The message had been sent a few hours earlier. Erwin couldn’t help noticing the timestamp and finding it oddly comforting- Levi’s night-owl schedule certainly hadn’t been affected.

Sure, he typed back, when/where?

Around noon his phone buzzed on his desk. He picked it up, making his way out of the office for his lunchtime coffee and walk ritual. There were still lingering nerves, nagging questions, an edge of worry that he wanted to get rid of before he checked it.

Stepping outside the building’s glass-walled lobby, Erwin took a deep breath. The city was starting to smell like summer. Sun-warmed granite and concrete, the unmistakable freshness of leaves on the trees and manicured bushes lining the downtown sidewalks, and the very beginnings of humidity laced the air. The weather was perfect- still cool enough that he could avoid sweating if he took his suit jacket off, but warm enough to convince him that summer would be there before he knew it. As he walked down the street, heading to the river, Erwin found himself enjoying the sun and the warmth building on his shoulders.

His pace picked up, and Erwin was at his usual coffee stop before he’d even had time to think. The menu had changed with the season, and he wondered for a moment whether it was time to switch to something iced. In the end he decided on a hot coffee- raspberry and chocolate sounded better than whatever the iced rose latte was all about. Maybe he’d try it next time, he mused, heading down stone steps to the riverwalk below.

Warm weather always transformed the city, and Erwin sipped his drink, taking in the river’s blue-green water and the bustle of activity lining it. Cafés had sprung up, opening their front doors and spilling tables and chairs out while people flocked to them for lunch. Runners and dog walkers passed, their bright sportswear a contrast to the usual office worker crowd. There were even tourists- Erwin spotted them eating, walking, riding the city’s blue bikeshare bicycles, enjoying their visit and taking their time. Walking by them, down by the river, below the street level where buildings rose into the sky on either side, Erwin enjoyed the view. It had been a long time since he’d really looked at the city, really examined the place he took wholly for granted, and the liveliness of early summer made him feel like he belonged there, like he could be a part of it. The coffee wasn’t half bad either, he decided, finally getting his phone out and resolving to look at it.

Meet me at 8. At 0 EW, 0 NS. We need to talk.

Erwin both knew and didn’t know what the message meant. Levi wanted to meet after dinner. They would meet at The Center. And they needed to talk. Erwin finished the second half of his coffee in a single long gulp. He would be there. He just hoped he would be ready.

Erwin arrived early. Too early, and had to walk around the block a few times, trying to look like he was deciding on a restaurant, or doing late errands, or anything other than waiting for a potentially angry boyfriend. He hadn’t heard anything more from Levi in the meantime, and there wasn’t much he could do anyway. Except talk, he reminded himself. On the fourth time around the block he stopped, standing back a little from the corner to wait properly. After a few more minutes his phone buzzed in the back pocket of his jeans, and Erwin looked around the intersection, spotting the dark fall of Levi’s hair half a block away when he gave a slight nod in Erwin’s direction.

He waited, watching Levi approach. Back to black- jeans ripped over his knee, v-neck t-shirt, beat-up leather jacket, and boots- Levi’s usual outfit was a relief. Everything was back to normal, nothing out of the ordinary, except the black duffel bag Levi had slung over one shoulder.

“You wait long?” Levi asked, stopping in front of Erwin.

“Not really. What’s the bag for?”

Levi shrugged, not quite meeting Erwin’s questioning gaze. “Just some stuff. Thought I’d bring some shit with me. In case.”

“In case?” Erwin knew Levi wouldn’t answer, and he wasn’t surprised when the other man turned around instead, facing the crosswalk.

“Come on, we’re going to The Center. You remember how to get to the leyline?”

 “Are we going to the garden?”

“We’re going to try.” There was a hard edge of determination just underneath Levi’s words.

With that Levi set off down the sidewalk. Erwin paused, looking at his back, then the intersection, sure that the last time they’d gone to the garden they’d been on the other side of the street. Surely he remembered it, coming up from the train station, passing a convenience store on the corner. But they’d have to cross two streets to get to that store from where they stood.

“Levi-” he started, “-isn’t it over there?”

Levi turned, cocked his head to the side, and shook it- bangs fluttering as the corners of his mouth turned upward. “You don’t get there using directions. Those are too unreliable,” he stated, and Erwin got the distinct feeling that Levi was holding back either a grin or an eye-roll. “You get there by feeling. By knowing.” He held out a hand, pale fingers outstretched, and Erwin closed the few steps between them to take it. Hands clasped, they set off down the street.

“It’s magic,” Levi murmured, and Erwin stooped lower to catch the rest of his words, “-which is why I don’t know if I can still…” he trailed off, looking around the sidewalk, staring at the storefronts with grey eyes narrowing. “Shit. I thought it was over here.” Erwin looked around too, unsure what it was he was trying to spot, as the increasing speed of Levi’s movements told him that the other man’s earlier certainty was quickly evaporating. In a moment of frustration, Levi jerked his hand away from Erwin’s, breaking their hold.

“Oh,” Levi whispered, eyes widening slightly, “…so that’s it.”

“What is?”

“Nothing. Think about the garden, Erwin.”

“Just think about it?” Erwin wondered, and this time Levi did roll his eyes.

“Yes. Picture it. Imagine it. Whatever. Just quit asking me questions and think about it or we’ll never get there.”

His jaw clamping shut over whatever else he’d intended to ask, Erwin gave a sigh of resignation. Closing his eyes, he did as he was told. He tried not to think about how they’d gotten there last time. The alley, the smoke, the way it had all stretched and darkened weren’t important. Or at least Levi seemed to think they weren’t. He pushed those thoughts aside, instead focusing on green, on thick golden sunlight slipping through translucent leaves, on the smell of earth, the color of ferns, the sounds of birds and leaves and crickets. As the garden took shape in his mind, the memories spilling back, he felt thin fingers slide into his hand and heard Levi whisper-

“Keep your eyes closed.”

The slight tug on his hand led him, and Erwin’s first few steps were cautious. He struggled to keep the images in his mind, fighting with the reality of standing on a busy sidewalk in the evening with his eyes closed like an idiot. Levi’s grip grew tighter as Erwin’s focus slipped, a car horn jolting him from his thoughts.

“Fuck. Come on, Erwin. I need your help this time.” Levi’s voice sounded quiet and a little strained. Erwin squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to ignore the smell of exhaust. It should be the smell of flowers, the smell of trees, he reminded himself. Hydrangeas, and lily of the valley, and peonies, he went through them, all the kinds he’d seen, so many more he didn’t know the names of- that was where they were going. And Levi knew the names. He knew the way through the charmingly overgrown place, which turns to take, which paths went further. The small hand in his own gave a gentle squeeze, and Erwin let himself be led. As they walked their pace picked up, and he thought of the way the dirt paths of Levi’s garden twisted and wound, petering out in some places, overtaken by soft grasses. As they went around a corner he could see them in his mind, bushes obscuring the view beyond.

They kept walking. The sounds of the city grew muted, his and Levi’s footsteps more even and sure. With his eyes closed Erwin could almost remember the dreamy quality of the air in the garden. He could almost hear the wind rustling leaves above. He could almost feel the warmth, from so many plants breathing all around, dirt and grass quiet beneath his feet, muffling his steps, swallowing their sounds-

Just like it was now, Erwin realized with a start. He took another step forward. No sound. A moment of panic rose in his chest. His eyes snapped open, and his mouth opened too- to nothing – nothing but fog, haze, grayness and- a firm jerk to his hand made him stumble forward, tripping out of an almost-solid wall of cloud, wisps of it clinging and trailing from his shoulders and feet. He exhaled, letting out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, then gasped in another, taking a few more steps to rid himself of the heavy, damp mist.

In front of him, at the end of a path he hadn’t known they’d come down, stood a high hedge, a greenish flickering lamp, and a wrought-iron gate.

He looked over. Levi was still by his side. Their hands were still linked. But the way Levi’s thin brows pinched together, the tension in his jaw, and the pallor in his lips and cheeks made Erwin pause.

“Levi, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Levi responded. “It was just… harder than before. To bring you.”

The words sent a fresh pang of worry through Erwin’s conscience, but he said nothing. Instead he watched Levi shrug off the duffel, searching one of its pockets to pull out a wooden box. He’d seen it before, Erwin realized, recognizing the box Levi had clutched to his heart as he knelt over Kenny’s body. The top came off and Levi took a heavy key from inside, stepping up to the gate and fitting it into the lock. The key fit, but everything was old and rusted, and Erwin could tell that turning it wasn’t easy from the way Levi’s knuckles tightened where he gripped it. Levi gave the gate a vicious kick before releasing the key, hands resting on his hips as he stared it down. The jacket came off. He went at it again, forearm muscle bulging, tendons standing out under pale skin. It took two hands, a grunt, and a wavering whine of metal on metal before the key turned and the door swung free. 

“Fucking finally, stupid piece of shit,” Levi grumbled, shoving the key and its box back into his bag followed by his jacket. Erwin stifled a chuckle, familiar enough with Levi’s swearing to know the smaller man hardly meant any of it. “Let’s go.” Heading through the gate, Levi didn’t even pause to see if Erwin was following.

Erwin couldn’t tell if the way they took was the same as last time. The paths that crossed and meandered were the same in the sense that they felt deeply worn and familiar, but their journey was just as disorienting as it had been before. Just as green, just as lush, bushes reached untrimmed branches out, brushing at Erwin’s sides and arms. The heavy air of a summer night encircled him, and Erwin noticed the golden hues of twilight turning a lazy cloud of flying insects into flashes of gold dancing in midair. The quality of light was just like his memories- and Erwin wondered if time was stopped here, if the half hour before sunset stretched on forever, or if it was just a coincidence.

There was almost too much to look at, and Levi’s sure steps weren’t easy to keep up with. Erwin’s attention snagged on a curtain of wisteria flowers dripping from a tree above and caught on the white trumpets of moon flowers uncurling on the ground nearby. Even though the city they’d left was coming into its own, with trees and bushes and flowers blooming, the garden far outstripped it in density and variety. There was nowhere in the city as calm or natural, the intermittent coo of a mourning dove making Erwin feel oddly like an intruder in some secret space meant for plants and animals.

Yet Levi seemed perfectly at home. Somehow his black-clad figure looked balanced, like a shadow moving underneath honey-tinted highlights. And like a shadow he always appeared close to the trees, the grasses, the stems and leaves that almost reached out to him, as though welcoming him back home and pulling them deeper into the garden’s heart. They kept walking. Erwin followed Levi, watching the sway of the duffel bag against his back. He watched Levi’s boots, footfalls muffled by grass and dirt. He watched Levi’s hips, and shoulders, and the way his t-shirt shifted while he moved, covering more and then less of the pale skin at the nape of his neck.

They didn’t pass any landmarks Erwin remembered, though they crossed through a few areas that opened into clearings or held small structures like a bench or a trellis. Instead Erwin heard their destination before he saw it. The gurgle and whisper of water gave its presence away, and when the trees thinned ahead and fell back from one side of the path, he wasn’t surprised that they revealed a grassy bank and clear stream. What did surprise him was that the path had ended. They had arrived. Not only that, but the land ended, too. At the edge of the clearing was also a short cliff, a view of forested treetops opening out below. Levi took a few more steps, walking by the water as its bed widened. Rocks held the quick stream back, forming a pool before it spilled away down the slope. Hefting the bag off his shoulder, Levi opened it and fished out a drab olive woolen blanket. He spread it on the ground, and sat down cross-legged to face the small waterfall and the ledge.

Erwin didn’t have to be prompted. Levi had left plenty of room, and he eased himself onto the blanket next to the other man, stretching his legs out off its edge. It was a pleasant place to stop and rest. The charmingly overgrown plants looked a little more tidy here, by the bank of the pool, the grass beneath trimmed and lush. He could hear the various sounds of the forest and the comforting rush of water. To one side was all motion, low sunlight winking over the water’s rivulets, dancing at its peaks and playing through its ripples. To the other was all still, the view of the forest below was an unbroken carpet of trees, different shades of green mingling together. As impressive as the natural beauty of the place was, it didn’t take long before Erwin’s gaze was drawn elsewhere. Even with so much to see Erwin only wanted to look at one thing, and eventually he stopped fighting the urge and gave in, staring more at his companion than their surroundings.

Levi’s nails were clipped short. His right wrist was bruised, an already-yellowing ring encircling it. The bruise was new and fading quickly. It looked familiar, though Erwin couldn’t quite place the parallel bands that ended in darker purple-green blotches. Whatever made them had pressed hard- and as Erwin studied the bruise he realized what exactly it was their shape reminded him of: fingers. Erwin had made the bruise. When Kenny ordered Levi to turn his knife on him. He had held Levi’s wrist back, against impossible strength, as he’d stared into wild, haunted grey eyes. And as much as he wanted to stare at Levi forever, to bask in the glow of the garden’s warmth and soak it all deep into his bones, he knew he couldn’t- not yet.

“You said we needed to talk,” Erwin began.

“Yes. I did. But…” Levi trailed off, the note of reluctance clear in his voice.

“But?”

Levi did not respond immediately, and the wait wasn’t easy. The day of worrying, his misgivings over the plan he’d devised and enacted, and the mystery of Levi’s feelings on the matter filled the silence instead. He almost missed Levi’s quiet voice when he did speak. “Why did you do all that, Erwin?”

“I couldn’t think of any other way,” Erwin admitted, adding, “There weren’t many options. I wanted to protect you- to save you. But I couldn’t think of a way to do that which didn’t leave you under someone’s control. Me. Kenny. Maybe even both of us. But I didn’t want you to have to obey anyone anymore. Not ever again.”

“So, you decided to sacrifice yourself?” Levi’s voice was flat. Not just the deadpan tone he often used, even that held hints of how he really felt. This statement felt detached and factual. Its coldness made Erwin flinch internally.

“What do you mean?” he asked carefully.

Levi turned to look at him. It was hard to read his face. His expression was carefully neutral, even as his eyes bore into Erwin’s. “I mean when you offered your life to Kenny. In exchange for mine. Then you would have been under his control, just the same as I had been.” The intensity in his stare had magnified, and Erwin could see flickers of frustration and anger showing through the mask. “How would that have been any better?” Levi pressed, the volume of his voice growing. “That wasn’t part of the plan, Erwin!”

Levi fell silent. The outburst had surprised them both. But as Levi exhaled, deflating somewhat, Erwin’s tongue turned to ash. It was worse than what he’d feared. Levi didn’t know. He hadn’t figured out that Erwin had done it all on purpose. He hadn’t yet realized that Erwin had set him up. He had trusted Erwin with his past, had told him everything, and Erwin had twisted it up and thrown it back onto him all at once. He’d manipulated Levi, and he hadn’t even had the decency to do it with commands to his face.

Erwin’s heart sunk like a lead weight in his chest, pulling his ribs in and making his lungs struggle. He had feared this. Levi’s resentment. Levi’s hate. He had hoped to be able to explain, had hoped there was some possibility of Levi understanding and forgiving him, but the chance of that seemed slimmer than ever.

It was something he’d already decided he was willing to bear. In order to free Levi he had promised himself he would bear anything. He could feel the weight of Levi’s eyes on him.

“That’s not exactly true,” Erwin said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it was a part of my plan.”

The silence between them was deafening.

Erwin continued, “It’s probably what I spent the most time thinking about. Because it was the biggest gamble of all.”

Levi blinked and stared, the blankness replaced by genuine bewilderment. “I don’t understand… why would you…”

Levi was definitely going to feel betrayed. And there was no going back. What’s done is done, Erwin thought as he took a deep breath, willing the shakiness from his voice as he confessed. “It was familiar, wasn’t it? Did you recognize the words I used?” Erwin watched Levi’s narrow eyes studying him. He nodded slowly, and Erwin pressed on. “I spoke to Furlan again. We both knew the chances were slim, and he wasn’t convinced at first, but when I explained to him how facing the Hunger Beast had changed me, he agreed to help. We went over it all together, until he was sure he’d remembered everything he could. The words you’d said. The offer you made. And I thought- no, I hoped, that when you saw it happen again…”

Narrow eyes had gone wide, thin dark brows lifted high as Erwin’s hands fisted into the woolen blanket. He didn’t look away from Levi. He couldn’t. Not now. “And when Kenny responded exactly the same way he had before- it was almost too perfect.”

“You… planned that? You knew?” Levi croaked.

“I knew.” Erwin’s jaw set to stone, his clenched hands pressing in on themselves until it hurt. “I knew exactly what you must have been remembering. I knew exactly how hard it would be. And I knew that I couldn’t tell you about that part of the plan. I had to hide it from you. Or it wouldn’t work.”

Levi opened his mouth, trying to stem the tide that flowed from Erwin’s mouth. “…you… Erwin…” But his words were awkward and uncertain, and Erwin didn’t hear them as he plunged on.

“I’m sorry, Levi. I knew it would be painful. I knew I was dredging up your past, making you re-live things no one should have to go through twice. I knew it would be awful, and terrible, and I knew it could only work if you didn’t see it coming. I knew I had to lie to you. Hell, I didn’t even know it would work and I had to hurt you with it anyway. In case it did. I didn’t know if it would be enough- but…”

Levi closed his mouth. He said nothing. He’d given up on interjecting. Unable to face him any longer, Erwin’s eyes fixed on the blanket beneath them. Bunched up where he clutched it, the olive wool looked old and worn.

Haltingly, the sentences’ journey labored and clumsy from his mouth, Erwin continued. “Even though I didn’t know if it would be enough to work, at the same time I knew… that it might be too much… to forgive. Especially after all the other times I’ve betrayed your trust. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

There was nothing more to say, and Erwin blinked against the sting in his eyes, willing Levi’s response to come. If Levi wasn’t able to forgive him, he would prefer if his judgement came quickly, like ripping a bandage off all at once, and he steeled himself for the rejection.

“Erwin Smith, you’re an idiot.”

Deadpan.

Simple.

And… unexpected.

Erwin looked up.

“And a fool. And a moron And an ass. A total and complete ass.” Levi was counting them off on his fingers, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes. It was not the face of a man who was genuinely angry. It wasn’t even the face of a man who was upset. In fact, Erwin realized as his breathing eased, Levi’s face looked a lot more like he was surprised but only mildly put out. “I can’t believe you thought I’d be angry over some stupid shit like that,” Levi wondered, “when I’m much more angry with all the danger you put yourself in. Do you even remember all the times I’ve had to save you?”

“You’re not angry?” Erwin could still hardly believe it. But Levi’s words matched his expression- no malice, no disappointment. 

“Do you listen at all?” Levi grumbled. “I am angry, but only because you could have died… because I could have lost you...” The last words were spoken quietly, almost under Levi’s breath, but they didn’t need to be loud to have an effect on Erwin. Anger over his recklessness he could handle. That was better than feeling betrayed, or manipulated, or-even worse-used. There was concern behind the sentiment, not resentment, and for the first time since his plan had been finalized, Erwin felt that it actually had a chance of success. He hadn’t dared to hope; he had committed fully to letting Levi go, believing it was the best thing for him.

 “…you were that worried about me?” Erwin asked after a moment.

“Of course,” Levi murmured. “I told you before. I care about you. I lo-” Levi cut himself off, the corners of his mouth tugging down slightly as though he wasn’t sure how to continue, as though there was something more he wanted to say but couldn’t figure out how. The momentary pause ended as he took a different tack, “I understand why you planned it that way. You’re right. If you’d told me, it wouldn’t have worked. But, it did work. I don’t regret it. I told you I’d follow you. I meant that. I wasn’t lying then. And I’m not lying now.”

“So,” Erwin ventured, his fingers finally letting go of the woolen blanket and absently smoothing it flat as he spoke, “you still want to be with me?”

“Yeah. I do.”

Erwin let the words sink in as they sat quietly side by side. A cricket chirped in the shade of a bush. Levi shifted, uncrossing his legs and removing his boots and socks, pushing them off the end of the blanket as he planted bare feet in the grass. The scent of flowers was fading somewhat, the light turning more cool than golden and Erwin realized that the sun must be setting. When he looked around the clearing it had grown darker, the shadows more purple, the water becoming more mirror than window. Over the pool a greenish light caught his eye, glowing and moving. Erwin watched it float, its wavering twin reflection shining on the water’s surface. It disappeared, and Erwin blinked and stared harder, searching for it in the gathering dusk. Just as he squinted to find it, it glowed to life a few feet from where it had been.

Another glow joined it, back near the first, and Erwin’s head turned when he saw a third from the corner of his eye. There were more and more- tiny lights hanging where the sun had fled, hovering and flitting, gathering in the night even as he watched. They were fireflies, he realized, as one settled on his knee, its wings held up away from its glowing body. Its carapace closed and opened, winking between ordinary black beetle and strange fairy light. Something brushed against his hand, and Erwin looked down to see thin, pale fingers spreading over his own. Turning his hand slowly, he opened it, letting Levi’s nimble fingers twine through his clumsy ones.

Levi’s hand was pleasantly warm, and it fit easily into Erwin’s. His grip was loose. He leaned over Erwin’s legs, into his space, and a little thrill ran up Erwin’s arm. He could almost feel the heat from Levi’s body as it got close, even in the warm night air, even though they were both fully clothed. Levi’s other hand came up and Erwin’s breath caught- anticipating its pressure on his chest or shoulder. Just as he bent forward to meet him, thinking he saw Levi’s head turn to kiss him, imagining Levi’s hand coming down to touch him, Levi pointed instead- out over the pool.

“Look at the firefli- wh-” He cut off, making a surprised noise as Erwin’s nose bumped into his ear, joined by a half-formed kiss. The sound must have startled Levi because he stopped, stock still for a single moment.

It was all the invitation Erwin needed. He placed another kiss on Levi’s earlobe, opening his mouth this time as a rumbling groan escaped him. The sigh that slipped from Levi made his fingers tighten, closing on Levi’s hand as he licked a generous stripe up the shell of his ear. He felt the resulting shiver secondhand, through lips and tongue, and he licked deeper, relishing the sharp intake of breath and the way Levi twitched against him. Before the element of surprise was completely spent, his arm snaked around Levi’s side, pulling him into Erwin’s lap as he gave Levi’s earlobe a parting nip.

“Oh,” Levi remarked quietly, shifting until he sat with one leg on either side of Erwin. Strong arms wound around Erwin’s neck, pulling him forward- towards dark hair and darkening eyes, deeper and closer as Levi leaned to meet him. Their eyes almost level, Erwin didn’t fight the magnetic pull between them. Instead he sighed into it, eyes closing, surrendering as their lips met. The kiss felt right, in the moment, both of them wanting and touching as best they could. Levi’s tongue pressed into his mouth. He welcomed it, speaking his desire with his body. His Levi- real, and close, and safe, and warm in his lap. His arms curled around Levi’s torso, winding up his back and down to his hips, groping the thin t-shirt and fumbling until they pushed it up and felt skin.

Levi pulled back, breaking their kiss, leaving Erwin blinking and open-mouthed.

“Guess we’re not going to watch the fireflies then,” Levi joked, his attempts at a flat expression ruined by the way his gaze lingered on Erwin’s lips- sneaking glances down to the open first button of his shirt.

Erwin grinned. He lifted one knee, enjoying how Levi tipped up and sideways in his lap, hands instantly gripping his shoulders tight for balance. Licking his lips, Erwin took the opening. He dipped his head down, under Levi’s pointed chin to mouth at his neck. Licking and kissing, he traced its taut lines. A sharp breath- Levi squirmed when Erwin’s mouth found his Adam’s apple. It made him stop, lingering there for a moment. His kisses grew more insistent- pressing against Levi’s throat, teeth grazing skin and sinking down as Levi gasped in response. He could feel it: Levi swallowing down breaths against his mouth, Levi’s hips grinding into him as he sucked and licked. The friction and weight in his lap grew with Levi’s fidgeting as he went over the spot again and again, kissing it tender and aching, while his cock hardened.

A sharp tug in his hair jerked his head back, and Erwin moaned with it. Pushing against it, craning his neck toward Levi, he let Levi’s grip grow tight as they struggled playfully. It only made his jeans feel tighter, his groin warmer, and his need greater. He’d dart in only to be held back, the un-kissed skin above the collar of Levi’s t-shirt teasing him, grey eyes taunting.

“Is that what you brought me here for? To watch bugs?” Erwin rumbled, pressing his nose to the side of Levi’s neck, happy to find the resistance momentarily gone. He sighed against Levi’s skin, tracing his pulse down his throat as Levi’s chin rose to bare it.

“No,” Levi admitted, ass pressing back into his lap. Chasing the motion, Erwin’s hips rocked. Levi’s rolled to meet them, the pressure on his cock as exquisite as the taste of Levi’s neck where he sucked at the muscle by Levi’s collarbone. He didn’t need to look to know Levi was enjoying it. He could feel it, the telltale hardness pushing against his abdomen, especially with Levi rubbing so eagerly against him. Tugging at Levi’s shirt, trying to slide his hands down the back of Levi’s jeans, Erwin’s open mouth and fingers were made clumsy by arousal. “I brought you here to talk,” Levi began, and Erwin looked up, genuinely wondering how his lover’s expression could be so composed when he was already coming undone.

The hint of color that had crept up Levi’s neck, a blush rising even where Erwin’s lips hadn’t touched, reassured him, and Erwin couldn’t help the grin that stole across his face. “…and?” Erwin prompted.

“And…” Levi trailed off. His hands smoothed down from Erwin’s shoulders, stroking over his chest and sending a shiver through Erwin’s body. They came back up, plucking at the buttons of his shirt, undoing them with a lingering note of hesitation. “…and… I don’t know,” Levi admitted. “Maybe fight?” His fingers traveled lower, their movement quicker and more urgent as they neared Erwin’s belt. “Then kiss and make up?” It wasn’t exactly a question, not with the hand Levi rested on the bulge in Erwin’s jeans, not with the way he looked at Erwin through the fall of dark bangs, not with the way his palm ground down. The pressure made Erwin’s hips rise, and Levi rewarded it- giving his cock a quick squeeze.

“Ah- are you okay with skipping the fighting part?” Erwin asked, trying desperately to keep from rutting against Levi’s touch. “If that was your plan I could probably make it happen-”

“Huh, forget that crap!” Levi scoffed. “I’m not the one good at planning anyway. I’m tired of waiting, Erwin.” The words were hardly out of his mouth and Levi’s hands were already at Erwin’s belt working it open. Just as impatient, Erwin shrugged off his shirt. Their clothing had become only a nuisance, and Erwin reached between them for the button of Levi’s pants. At the same time Levi’s fingers tugged at his own. With the haste of need, and want, and pent-up desire, it was nearly impossible to make any sense of how to maneuver around each other. The confused fumble made them rough, tugging at denim, arms tangling, the effort leaving them both panting by the time they’d managed to wrestle their jeans open.

When Erwin finally slid Levi’s shirt over his head it felt like an overwhelming victory. He grasped Levi’s sides, thrilling at the feel of solid muscle and marveling over Levi’s bare chest: skin, and green-tinged bruises by his ribs, and hair, and the silvery burst of old scar under his fingertips, and every inch of his body one Erwin wanted to kiss and taste and worship. But there was never enough time in the world, and his cock ached, and he’d already wasted too much already. Erwin settled for leaning into Levi’s chest, breathing deep between his pectorals, nose just barely brushing. He pulled away, catching a glimpse of Levi staring down at him with eyes that made him shiver before the smaller man looked away and stood.

Taking a few steps, he bent down, tugging the duffel bag closer and opening an outside pocket. Levi’s hand groped briefly before he pulled out a small bottle: lube.

“Not good at planning?” Erwin cocked an eyebrow.

“Shut up and take your pants off,” Levi grumbled.

Erwin held back a laugh, but it didn’t stop him from stripping more quickly than he ever had in his life. As much as he enjoyed teasing Levi, he couldn’t have agreed with the sentiment behind the crude statement more. When Levi tossed the lube in his lap with a blunt, “You better put plenty of it on that fucking huge cock of yours,” and pulled his pants and underwear off unceremoniously, Erwin complied. It had been far too long. He wanted it just as badly, and probably more.

His cock hastily slicked, Levi was already planting his knees on either side of Erwin’s lap. Small fingers fumbled for a moment, slipping before they gripped his cock tight. Erwin barely had time to think, barely had time to breathe, barely had time to do anything but clutch at Levi’s hips before he was watching Levi sink lower. Lining up, Levi paused, hovering just long enough for Erwin to collect himself. Slight pressure bore down on the head of his cock. It pushed harder, Levi puffing out a quick exhale, then slipped- into warmth and tightness that wrapped around him. Even barely-in felt good. Almost unimaginably good, Erwin thought, as his hips bucked up, jolting a cry from Levi.

“Fuck!” he swore hands flying to Erwin’s shoulders, trying to hold him down.

“You… okay?” Erwin ventured. His fingers started to stroke. They moved over Levi’s hips, riding up the small of his back, soothing him, massaging the taut muscles. The gesture was as much for Levi as it was for himself- rubbing Levi’s skin helped distract from how good his cock felt. It was something to focus on overpowering the desire to thrust roughly up while forcing Levi down.

“Y- yeah,” Levi muttered, “it’s just… been a while.”

“We’ll start slower,” Erwin promised, leaning in, his lips finding Levi’s. The smaller man melted into the kiss, the grip on his shoulders finally loosening as their tongues met. Warm and soft, their mouths opened, and Erwin felt the muscles of Levi’s back relaxing. He felt the pressure on his cock again too, and as their kiss deepened Levi rocked in his lap, lowering himself in bounces and by inches. Erwin lost track of how many kisses it took. Levi’s was tight, and hot, and it was all Erwin could do to keep still, to let Levi move at his own agonizing pace, to savor the moans that slipped out from their lips between breaths.

When he felt Levi’s weight settle in his lap, his hands found the cheeks of Levi’s ass, spreading and squeezing them as he groaned. It was incredible, being inside Levi after so long, holding him so close in his lap. “Oh, God, Levi,” he sighed, “You feel so good.”

“So do you,” Levi managed. The note of strain in his voice made Erwin feel a complicated mix of pride and tenderness. He should have taken Levi’s clothing off slowly, appreciating every part of his body. He should be kissing Levi; he should never have stopped. He should be soothing him, stroking and petting until he was relaxed and ready. He should be making love to him slowly and passionately, not some rushed thing driven by lust. He should have known. It had been a while. He should have used more lube-

Erwin’s thoughts were interrupted when Levi’s thighs flexed, lifting him halfway up Erwin’s cock. His brain stayed quiet. Levi pushing back down onto him, mouth opening. It was impossible to tell who made the sound first as twin groans spilled from them both. Again, Levi rose, higher this time, making Erwin’s legs tighten in anticipation. The slip felt easier when he came down, a wave of pleasure accompanying it. Erwin’s fingers tensed, clutching at Levi’s ass, tugging him closer until Levi’s cock jabbed into his abs. In response Levi leaned forward, bangs brushing Erwin’s cheeks. All lingering thoughts that he was doing this wrong left Erwin’s head the moment their mouths met- hungry and hot and starving and right.

Lifting himself up, sinking back down, Levi moved on Erwin’s cock. Grasping at the flesh of his ass, Erwin’s hands stole under him, cradling the round cheeks, feeling them tense when his legs flexed and lifted his weight. Fighting to keep himself still, Erwin instead channeled the need into deep, open kisses. Levi’s pace evened into what became a rhythm as they licked into each other’s mouths, seeking more, unable to get enough.

Their tongues slid over and back, rolling and curling together. Finding no purchase, no solid resistance, they kissed with every part of themselves, taking and yielding in equal measure. Exploring fully, trading the taste of want. Erwin’s fingers crept between the cheeks of Levi’s ass. Pressing deeper, they brushed skin warm and wet. Probing gently, stroking where he could not see, Erwin’s fingers felt out a picture that made him gasp against Levi’s mouth. The slickness he felt, it was lube from the length of his cock, smeared on Levi’s tight hole. He could feel the edge of it, muscle stretched tight around him. Exploring lower, he touched the shaft of his cock, a sense of awe unfurling with each revelation. His fingers slid back up until they met Levi’s skin. His body. Levi’s body. The exact juncture between them.

He could feel it, where they joined, where his cock melted into Levi.

The thought flooded heat through him, his groin tightening as his cock pulsed. He could feel that as well- though barely. Levi’s hips rolled and his head fell back, breaking the contact of their lips in favor of a guttural moan, his insides squeezing. Levi could feel it too. It made Erwin’s head swim, need flooding his senses. He lunged forward, mouth latching to Levi’s throat. He stroked at the sensitive skin of Levi’s hole, sighs and shivers guiding his fingers. And Levi kept riding. Up and down, Levi moved, the incredible tightness easing, the strokes deepening. His kisses on Levi’s neck turned sloppy- to chasing and licking as Levi bounced in his lap, lifting high enough that Erwin’s cock came almost free before plunging back in.

“Fuuu- ck!” Levi moaned, rolling his hips into Erwin’s. The throaty sound sent a flash of pleasure down Erwin’s back, making his cock throb. His cock- inside Levi. Levi was in his lap. Levi was riding him. He could feel his cock sliding in and out where his fingers stroked Levi’s entrance. He could feel the hardness of Levi’s erection rubbing through the hair by his navel. He could feel the grip of Levi’s hands tight on his shoulders. He could hear Levi’s words and sounds and bliss all washing over him. And it all felt so incredibly good.

“Erwin.” His name snapped his attention back, from where they joined together to Levi’s face.

“Hmm?” he hummed.

“Command me.”

“What?” Erwin asked, still in a haze.

“Do it. Command me,” Levi repeated, his eyes already half-lidded and heavy with pleasure. “Order me. Tell me to do some shit I’d never in a million years want to.”

“W-what?” Erwin started, “I-” He began, but stopped mid-protest. Levi was asking him to do this. And the need in his eyes wasn’t one he could ignore. He would satisfy Levi, would satisfy that need. “Levi Ackerman-” he began, saying the first thing that came into his head, “-choke me.”

“Fuck, no!” Levi recoiled with a grimace. Erwin winced, body tensing. He looked away. He’d gone too far-

“Fuck, no,” Levi rumbled, the note of playfulness in his deep voice plucking at Erwin’s heart, warmth blooming in his chest. When he looked back up, Levi’s eyes had only darkened. “No,” Levi’s kiss-bitten lips formed the word slowly, opening and releasing it from him. His hips rolled in Erwin’s lap. “Do it again,” he urged with challenge in his eyes. Erwin was powerless to resist.

“Punch me, Levi,” Erwin suggested, and Levi’s face cracked into a grin that made Erwin’s cock jump.

“No,” Levi responded, grinding in Erwin’s lap. “No,” he added, lifting himself up and driving down roughly, pleasure lighting Erwin’s nerves. “No, no, never, no,” he recited, speeding back up to the pace he’d held before as he reached between them to stroke at his own cock.

“Unhhhhh, Levi,” Erwin groaned. “Levi. Hit me. Spit on me. Levi. Levi.” He was babbling now, hardly aware of the words he chose, letting out whatever came to mind. It didn’t matter what he said. And that was the point. With each command, each order, Levi moved faster, riding him harder, leaning back as damp bangs fell over his forehead. He stroked at his cock clumsily, eyes growing brighter, panting out his breathless “No’s”, their sound only growing sweeter. Erwin drank them up, intoxicated, mumbling a string of increasingly incoherent requests. Anything he could think of. Everything he could think of. But all he could think of was how Levi felt too good, looked too good. Levi was enjoying it. He was giving Levi this. He wanted it, craved it, Erwin could see it in every line of his body. He could almost feel the elated high of refusal secondhand. “Levi-”

“No!” Levi sang, the joyous cry punctuating his movements. The sound was glorious. A call of freedom. Levi was free. He could do what he wanted. And Erwin didn’t have to worry about hurting him anymore.

Erwin moaned, no longer able to hold back. His hips thrust up, meeting Levi’s, making his lover’s back arch in pleasure. “A-ahhhhh,” Levi moaned, “th-that’s it!” He’d hit Levi’s prostate- the clench and shiver confirmed it.

“Levi, choke me,” Erwin gasped, their bodies moving frantically together. Levi rising, then falling, Erwin’s body driving up to meet him, his fingers joining Levi’s in fumbling around his cock.

“No- aahhhh! Erwin!” Levi’s voice cracked, his grin widening into a smile as his mouth opened. “Ha,” he gasped, the breathless sound turning into a laugh. “Ah- ha hahah-” it grew, his neck flushed, eyes shining. The laughter continued, bubbling up from Levi’s chest, his head falling back to let more out. Erwin thrust beneath him, their skin slapping. And Levi laughed. His mouth open, his head thrown back, dark hair swaying with each bounce, he laughed.

And Erwin had never seen anything more incredible in his entire life.

Levi, riding him, laughing.

He wrapped an arm around Levi’s waist, forcing himself up again and again, his pace broken and rushed, chasing waves of laughter from Levi’s mouth. His groin tight, his body hot, Erwin kept going. Burying himself deep in Levi’s body. Stroking what he could reach of Levi’s cock. Feeling their pulses twining together. Their heat and desire one. Their skin close everywhere. Pleasure flooding his veins, threatening to sweep him away. Still, he kept moving, kept thrusting, kept hearing the ringing of Levi’s beautiful laughter in his ears.

“Levi-” he choked out, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“Ah hah ha aaahhhhhhh- Erwiiiin!” Levi’s laugh turned to a cry of pleasure, and when it formed his name, it shook Erwin’s bones. Levi’s body clenched just as his did- tension snapping in them both. It gave way to thundering euphoria, Erwin’s orgasm popping lights behind his eyes as he came. Seeing the same thing mirrored on Levi’s face, etched into his perfect features, only intensified the sensation. And Levi’s ass- it squeezed on him- flashes of pleasure making his nerves buzz. His vision narrowing, the waves continued, until only Levi was at the center of it all. He clutched Levi’s skin, burying his head in Levi’s neck, breathing him deep as their bodies shook together. Uncontrolled spasms of their muscles turning weak, giving way to twitches and shivers, they held each other. As their heartbeats quieted from deafening to merely loud, they slumped together, both needing the other for support.

Slowly, they peeled away from each other. With hands still lingering, still steadying themselves by anchor points at shoulders and waist, they looked at each other. Levi’s neck was still red, the blush that had reached down his chest already receding. His grey eyes were calm, serene and satisfied. Erwin looked down, noticing the mess between them for the first time. Both their torsos were flecked with Levi’s cum, and his left hand was sticky with it too. Levi had noticed as well. Thin brows tugged down, a spark of annoyance turning placid features tighter. He frowned, upper lip curling as he leaned away from Erwin. He rocked back, struggling to lift himself a few inches off Erwin’s softening cock only to fall back down, muscles still too sluggish to let him stand.

“Crap,” he muttered, “gross.”

It was Erwin’s turn to laugh, and at the chuckle Levi’s sour expression melted. He tried to get up again, and this time Erwin helped, scooping his ass up and lifting while Levi stood shakily. Testing his legs, Levi took the few steps over to his duffel awkwardly, bending down to fish through it.

“You OK?” Erwin asked, wondering if they’d gone too hard after too long.

“Well my ass will definitely be sore for a day or two,” Levi admitted, “but I’ll be fine when we’re clean.” Without further explanation he tossed a towel and a bar of soap onto the grass and straightened up, making his way over to the edge of the water. Erwin watched as he stepped in, walking further into the deepening pool, then gingerly lowering himself. He turned around to face Erwin, water reaching halfway up his chest. “Toss me the soap.”

“Huh,” Erwin responded, struggling to his feet. It was no small task, and he admired Levi’s recovery even more once he stood, his muscles strained, all aching in odd places. He retrieved the soap from the ground and walked over to the water’s edge, slipping in to join his partner. Cool but not cold, the current barely tugged in the natural basin. Crisp and refreshing on his sweaty skin, it reminded him just how hot he’d been- how slick and sticky from their lovemaking. As much as the thought stirred some animal instinct in him, Levi was right. He’d much rather be clean now that it was over. He handed Levi the soap, splashing water over his own face before ducking below. When he came back up Levi’s hands were already full of creamy white bubbles, ready to soap himself thoroughly.

They spoke little as they washed. Words weren’t needed to pass the bar of soap between slippery fingertips. Only gentle touches, and small gestures- Levi turning to let Erwin clean his back- returning the favor for the places Erwin couldn’t reach. The familiarity of it all was comforting, the ritual soothing. Just Levi, his naked skin, the smell of soap, and clear water. It was a simple thing, with its closeness, trading touches like small gifts.

Leaving the water they dried off as well as they could, the single towel barely enough for them both. Levi lifted up the blanket they’d sat on, shaking grass from it as he flipped the dirtier side over. His bag produced one final thing: a grey twin to the woolen blanket. Making crude pillows from their clothes, they slipped underneath it. Side by side they looked up. The silhouette of leaves framed small windows of sky. Stars peeking through, their pinprick lights looked small and still, cold and faraway compared to the winking luminescence of fireflies still hanging in the air. As he relaxed, Erwin felt the brush of fingers against his. Reaching out, Levi’s hand slid into his.

“Is it okay to sleep here?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah.” The words faded into the air. “This place is safe.” The assurance was more than enough.

The evening lay quiet on all sides. Night had fallen in the garden. Dark and inviting, it wrapped around them. Shades of velvet and navy and never quite black were dotted with lights. It tugged at Erwin’s consciousness, lulling him deeper as he turned on his side, his body curling around Levi’s. Sleep beckoned him with the warmth of Levi’s skin, the silk of his hair, the sound of his breathing. And just before Erwin embraced it fully, he felt his lover shift.

“You know, Erwin,” Levi spoke, “I waited a very long time to meet you.”

It was true. Erwin knew it in his bones. In his heart. Months, years, decades- Levi had been lonely too long. “I’m sorry you had to,” Erwin responded.

“I’m not,” Levi stated, turning to face him. A small smile played at the edges of his mouth, turning his pointed features softer, the glow of fireflies shining in his eyes-

“It was worth it.”

~10 months later~

April came again, and this time Erwin was ready. The last thing he needed to take care of he’d done the night before. He’d called Mike up, and Levi watched him smile into the phone when his best friend answered.

“What’s up, Erwin?”

“Oh, I was just calling because I wanted to ask you about making a last-minute change to the guest list for tomorrow.”

“What’s that?” Both men heard the note of uncertainty in Mike’s question. Erwin paused a beat, taking a sip of coffee and winking over the mug’s rim at Levi. His boyfriend’s dark bangs whipped to the side as he shook his head.

“Well, it’s just…” Erwin spoke slowly, keeping his tone low, letting the words hang as he drew them out. Mike was silent on the other end. Erwin almost felt bad- but he didn’t. He couldn’t when Levi’s reaction was so irresistible. The man sitting next to him on the couch was putting considerable effort into frowning into his tea. Lips tight, twitching at their edges, he fought back a smile, mostly losing the battle. “…I’m really sorry…” Erwin continued, hamming up the acting and stringing them both along. Levi rolled his eyes and elbowed him gently in the side, and Erwin’s barely-contained grin finally snuck into his voice, “…I know they didn’t come to your wedding, and you don’t really know them, but I’ve invited two more people.”

A very long sigh came from the other end of the phone. “Jesus, Erwin, I thought something had happened,” Mike muttered. Levi snorted.

“A plus two if you will,” Erwin continued blithely, “They’re old friends of Levi’s and we don’t get many excuses to see them.”

“Jesus, Erwin,” Mike repeated, though he sounded only vaguely exasperated. “You and Levi are the ones throwing the anniversary dinner- you can invite whoever you want. Just remember-”

“-no speeches,” Erwin finished for him. “I know. I promise.”

Half the restaurant was barely enough space for the dinner. The large, open room had been divided by a temporary wall folded out, and everyone was seated at tables with barely a foot’s breadth between. They filled the space to bursting- with conversation, cheer, and plenty of plates that arrived on trays held high as the wait staff wound through the tightly-spaced diners. Instead of feeling cramped, Erwin found it lively. There was so much to see, so many people to say ‘hello’ to, and so much to eat, especially with endless rounds of dim sum, duck, and jasmine tea filling their tables. The crowning achievement of a nearby Chinese bakery appeared halfway through the night, and Erwin was astonished that it managed to fit at all. A huge, fluffy, white cake layered with whipped frosting and colorful fruit slices covered in a clear, shiny glaze prompted ooh’s and aah’s even from the stuffed guests.

“It’s too pretty to eat,” Nanaba insisted, though her protests ceased as soon as she put the first bite in her mouth. “And too good to waste,” she amended, elegant fingers plucking a slice of kiwi fruit off the top of Mike’s slice and pressing it between his lips.

“You two are so cute!” Hanji hooted as Mike chewed, “Feeding each other just like newlyweds, even after a whole year!”

“Actually, a year in two days,” Moblit pointed out, neatly arranging slices of duck on his last steamed bun. He’d eaten at a steady pace all night and still showed no signs of slowing.

“Well, two days hardly counts,” Isabel declared. Furlan nodded his agreement next to her, already leaning back in his chair to give himself more room to digest. “You’ve got so many more years of your life together to look forward to!” She beamed at Nanaba and Mike from across the table, before turning a meaningful look on the couple sitting next to her. Even if Erwin didn’t catch the glint in her eye, Levi obviously did- his gaze immediately fixing blankly on a point in space somewhere above Moblit’s head. Laughing Levi’s embarrassment away, Isabel just shrugged and kept going.

“So, are these flowers a perk of Levi’s job?” She asked, waving a fork at the centerpiece.

“No,” Levi deadpanned. “It’s a garden supply, not a florist,” he added, as though the difference was obvious. The confused look on Isabel’s face indicated that it definitely was not obvious, but she was not a woman to be easily deterred, and Levi was finally back in his element. He fielded the barrage of questions well, only throwing the occasional tired look at Erwin. When Hanji joined in, prodding him into explaining the intricacies of what exactly a garden supply did during winter months, even the tired looks became less and less frequent. As the conversation expanded to Furlan and occasional interjections from Moblit, Erwin sat back in his chair.

He was full, and content, and everything he’d planned for the night had gone better than he’d dared to hope. Food and drink had worked their simple magic on the guests, and he took it all in. The harmony of speech flowed around and over Erwin, like an undisturbed stream. Out of it bubbled Nanaba’s clear laugh, the distinct sound of a sniff from Mike’s direction, and the punchline of a deadpan manure joke that made him chuckle. Running back together, their courses joining, they caught Erwin up in their current. His old friends, his new ones, they got along well, and seeing them all there on a happy occasion made him feel the merest hint of regret when he realized that he hadn’t been able to enjoy it only a year ago.

He had missed it so much.

And he was glad to be back, Erwin realized as he took a deep breath, jumping into a debate between Levi and Hanji over the difficulty of building an indoor hydroponic setup that he was woefully under-prepared for and planned to fully enjoy anyway.

It was good to be back with everyone once again.

As the night wound down and the guests said their goodbyes, Erwin eventually found himself seated at the large round table with only one other person. Levi sat by his side, still enjoying the tea an attentive waiter kept replenishing with new pots, even though they were the only two diners left. The chatter had long ago died down, replaced by Levi’s calm, steady presence. A drawn-out sigh eased from Erwin’s chest.

“It’s almost funny,” Erwin mused, gazing at Levi for the first time that night without interruption. He looked good. Just as good as he had the day they met. Better, actually. After all, he finally had an occasion to wear the custom suit- more than a year after it was made- and it fit like a glove. He looked dashing, confident and powerful in the luxury of his dark red tie, red as wine, silver cuff-links studded with brilliant blue. Twin grey ones held the button-holes closed on Erwin’s own cuffs. It was surprising Levi had agreed to getting so dressed up, even more surprising that he’d agreed to matching, and Erwin was struck all at once by how lucky he felt.

“What is?” Levi glanced over.

“What’s… what?” To say that Levi looked stunning was an understatement, and Erwin found he’d lost his train of thought completely.

“What’s funny?”

“Oh.” The stoic quality of Levi’s voice had jogged his memory, bringing him back. He nodded. “It’s just that I’m still not used to calling Nanaba by her new name, even after a year. Amazing how hard it is to change,” he added slowly, “Something as simple as a name.”

Levi nodded, and the gravity in his cool grey eyes was not lost on Erwin.

“You know,” Erwin began, “I’d thought about that as an option. To help you. Against Kenny. Something simple, like Mike and Nanaba- another way to change your name…”

Levi huffed. “Now that is funny.” He took a sip of tea, adding as almost an afterthought, “But it wouldn’t have worked.”

Erwin’s brows furrowed. He looked down, from Levi’s calm eyes to the table. Thin, pale fingers gripped the top of the china teacup. They looked larger than he knew they were, holding the small, white cup. Their grip was tight- strong. And Erwin felt it pressing on his heart. Of course it wouldn’t have worked, he thought. No man could be that lucky… especially not me… but…

“Because you wouldn’t have said ‘yes’?” Erwin looked up, into Levi’s face. Maybe it was funny, and Levi could dismiss it if he chose, but his interest was genuine: he wanted to know.

The tilt of Levi’s head and the way he bit his lip, a small breath released from his nose and the tension that deepened the tired lines as his eyes cast downward were all signs Erwin could read well by now. He was uncomfortable, trying to escape Erwin’s stare, thinking carefully over what he’d say. But he was not upset. And Erwin kept his gaze steady, studying the small things that flitted over Levi’s features.

“…that’s not why… I didn’t say that…” Levi muttered, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

It was enough.

Erwin grinned and took the opening. “So you would have said ‘yes’!”

Throwing him a glare, Levi opened his mouth to protest. “No! I mean- that’s not- you know-” he started and stopped, each time not quite able to finish. His mouth snapped shut, his grip on the teacup tight enough to turn his knuckles white as he struggled. “Well, you’ll never know now since you never asked!” he burst out, looking quickly to Erwin and then away just as fast to stare at the table’s centerpiece, as though he already regretted the outburst.

It was all Erwin could do not to smile, but he felt he owed it to Levi not to laugh. Instead he slouched down a little in his chair, shifting closer to his partner until their thighs touched under the table. They sat in comfortable silence, Erwin’s eyes eventually drifting in the same direction as Levi’s, to the middle of the table.

The plates were all cleared away. The tablecloth was stained. But the flowers were still orderly, still fresh after their celebration- almost as pleasant to look at as Levi.

It was a large bouquet, mostly blue and green hues in the arrangement. Not what you’d normally associate with Chinese décor, now that Erwin looked at it he noticed its varied greenery. It would have been uncommon anywhere. At the center were bundles of hydrangea- fading between purple and blue, their greenish centers and small flowers clustering together into heavy heads. Whippy vines with showy, white, bell-shaped blossoms wove around them, curling over the edge of the pot and spilling onto the table. Dotted throughout, delicate star-shaped purple wildflowers and dark leaves completed the arrangement.

Erwin felt Levi’s hand brush his own. Their fingers slid together, intertwined in Erwin’s lap.

“What if-” Erwin mused, “what if I did ask sometime? Would you like that?”

A long beat of silence felt comfortable between them. Finally, Levi responded.

“Yeah. I think I would.”

Levi’s fingers squeezed his hand. When he looked over, a small smile played over thin lips. Levi’s face looked calm, relaxed in a way that made Erwin’s chest feel full. His grey eyes crinkled just a little at their edges as he glanced over at Erwin and back to the flowers, as though they had just shared a secret worth keeping.

They were flowers far too early for April.