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Dinners spent with his newly appointed quad members were gradually getting easier and vastly less awkward.
The first night was tense, heavy. Mikasa too busy glaring at him out of the corner of her eye. Eren too tense, worried he’d do or say something that would embarrass him in front of his superior. Jean and Armin both too awkward to break the silence. Sasha and Connie trying to act professional in the fear that the Captain would kick them into the next year.
As the days went on however, the group became significantly more comfortable with each other.
The younger cadets still avoided asking their leader any personal questions, too afraid he’ll rain hell down upon them. In Levi’s eyes, they took ridiculous rumors too seriously.
Hanji had told him when they’d first been assigned to his charge to be softer around them. Socialize more. Frown less.
He’d reluctantly took their advice and would occasionally add a piece of commentary or two into their casual dinner conversations.
At first, the younger soldiers would pause, look at each other uncomfortably, and respond to his (usually vulgar) comments with polite, hushed voices and nods. After a few months, however, they’d laugh and continue with the conversation as if they weren’t talking to a mini-demon who was quite educated in the many different ways to kill a man.
And though he’d never admit it out loud, he enjoyed the companionship.
The conversations shared over dinner were usually trivial. The dark lifestyle they all lived opened their eyes to how tranquil and safe light conversations are. It was an unspoken agreement between the squad members to keep the heavy baggage at the door.
That is, of course, unless you’re Eren Jaeger and can’t seem to keep your mouth shut.
“Relationships are weird. I mean, why do we talk about it like it’s the best thing in existence? I mean, they’re alright, I guess, but we build it up so much that when you actually experience it, it’s kinda just a let down.” Eren continued shoveling the soup in his mouth.
Armin looked up at him and back to his bowl, stirring the soup absentmindedly. “Eren, you don’t know anything about relationships.” Eren choked on his soup, coughing and sputtering unintelligible, futile attempts at retaliation. “I’m just saying. You’ve only been in what? One, two relationships?”
Eren sulked into his chair, still clearing his throat with a frown.
“Aww, poor baby Eren. Can’t get any girls? Are you too scared? Too ugly, maybe?” Jean mocked, smirking.
Eren growled and attempted to launch himself at the other boy, only to be held back by Mikasa. Sasha giggled past her mouthful of bread, shutting up immediately after a quick glare from Mikasa in her direction.
“Look, I was just saying, maybe you just haven’t been in love. Serious relationships are different than casual flings, Eren.” The shifter slumped back down in his chair as Armin spoke.
“Oh, don’t get all mushy on me, Arm. Love is just as overrated.” Eren went to take another bite, only to drop the spoon as Levi’s sharp tone cut in.
“Maybe you shouldn’t talk about things you don’t understand, brat.” Cold grey eyes burned into green.
The harshness of the statement brought everyone in the room to a stand still. No one dared to move in the suddenly heavy atmosphere.
The tense silence dragged on as Eren broke the eye contact and looked to his bowl, shoulders tense and tone apologetic. “Sorry, sir.”
The silence continued for a while. Levi sighed and decided to put them out of their misery.
“Look, I’m not going to apologize, so don’t expect shit. I’m just telling you to think about shit before you word vomit your shitty opinions on everyone else.”
More silence. All pairs of eyes awkwardly focused elsewhere. Levi sighed again.
“Alright. I’ll tell you guys something you might actually learn from if you’ll quit shitting yourselves.”
Levi felt the eyes land on him as expectation and curiosity began replacing the awkward atmosphere.
“Being in love isn’t the perfection it’s made out to be. It fucking sucks.” Levi watched the surprise forming on their faces. “Real, mutual love requires work, and even harder than that; patience.”
The feeling of his hands running through his hair languidly. Trailing down to his cheekbones, gently wiping away the frustrated tears. The hideous, weak tears. Gently pulling his eyes to meet the calming blue. Just as bloodshot and teary, but not hideous. Never hideous.
“Sometimes, someone will fool you into thinking it’s love, and then rip your heart out just for the satisfaction of watching you crack.”
The crooked teeth pulling into an angry sneer, brown eyes so cold. So cold and captivating. Frustrating, infuriatingly captivating. The harsh glare and harsher words. The months of highs and lows, bliss and hangovers. The fighting and the drugs. The tricks. The sex. The sickeningly sweet words with heads in the clouds. The endless manipulation and abuse.
He took a breath and looked down to his half-eaten meal, memories flashing. Sharp, painful, warm, comfortable. He almost forgets about the other pairs of eyes watching in fascination.
“But sometimes, you find someone that’ll give you that mutual respect and patience.
Those blue, blue eyes.
“Don’t get me wrong, it still isn’t perfect. They’re flawed and so are you.”
The pointless fights. They were too different not to argue and disagree. His overly obsessive cleaning habits. Farlan’s psychological digging. Their anger. Their stubbornness.
“You do things to piss each other off.”
The passing comments to push the other’s buttons. The heated, unrestrained insults. The joking, light jeers.
“You scream and you fight.”
The screaming. God, the screaming. They were both too wound up and stubborn to admit defeat. Too absorbed in getting the sharpest insult. The ones that would hurt the most, land the hardest, stick the longest. Insult after insult.
“You leave... They leave…”
The door slamming. The silence. The sound of rapid heartbeats, rushing blood in his ears. The ache in his chest, painful and infuriating. The restlessness. Regret.
“The thing about love, though, is the fact that you always come back.”
The tension flowing out in waves. The relief. The relief. The relief. The embrace. The warmth, comfort. Clutching desperately. Relief.
“It’s… it’s like you can’t imagine what you’d be like without them and the thought of losing them…”
Rain, mud, blood. Panic. Death. Looking up to see the man he’d embraced only hours before in the jaws of the beast. He saluted. The bastard. He fucking saluted. Saluted to the man who sent him to the grave. The man who let him die.
Another shaky breath. Snap back to the reality of the current situation. “Look, my point is, no, love is not that perfect thing we all make it out to be, but it’ll impact you harder than anything you can imagine.”
Those blue, blue eyes. Haunting his every nightmare. Bright, warm, comfortable.
The cadets stare at him in amazement. Eren looked ready to kneel in front of the Captain and worship the ground beneath his feet.
Realizing he’d gotten carried away, spoke too much, he stands up and gathers his half eaten food. He wordlessly makes his way to the door, hearing the beginnings of murmurs of his squad.
“Captain?”
He stops at the sound of Eren’s voice, not turning to face him, knowing those bright green eyes might tear away the last few layers of his already weakened walls.
“Thank you.”
He closes the door behind him with swarming thoughts of blue and green.