Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There’s a jangle of noise you haven’t heard outside of television for years, the sound of keys clinking together clumsily and hitting the metal of the lock with force. Dave’s the only one with keys, but he doesn’t make noise like this. You hover awkwardly at the doorway of the lounge for a moment before you remember. He’s bringing a friend home. He’s giving you warning. You’re up in the crawl space before he finishes his production with the door and opens it.

‘Why do you have so many keys?’ an unfamiliar voice asks. Great fucking question, strange boy. Where did he even get them?

‘It’s ironic,’ Dave says, and you smirk at the way he’s using that as an excuse, same way as you do, just labeling everything you don’t want to explain as irony. ‘Every single one of them opens that one door, except this one.’ You peek out the tiny hole you installed in the manhole (for scoping out Dave’s position before you scare the shit out of him by jumping down) and see him holding an ornate key that looks like it would open a mausoleum or something equally macabre.

‘What does that one open?’ the boy breathes.

Dave makes an exaggerated show of looking around and leans in as if it’s a secret. Which is ridiculous because he usually doesn’t have any kind of tells and is always aware of his surroundings, but also because he didn’t glance your way and your hearing is more than capable of hearing a whisper. The boy leans in too, eyes comically wide behind dorky square glasses.

‘I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA,’ he yells in the boys ear.

You flashstep to a deep corner of the crawl space so they don’t hear you snigger. Good one, Dave. You fucking love that kid.

The boy is shouting and Dave is laughing and you wish you could make him laugh more. You sometimes wish you hadn’t trained him so well. But no, he needs to be able to keep a straight face when he’s asked about you. Better that you’re both alive and a bit emotionally stunted than the alternative. And, from the sounds of it, he is still capable of laughing. Maybe you haven’t fucked up too bad.

You move back to the manhole. The boy is now looking curiously around the room. Dave is leaning against a wall watching him.

‘What are we going to do?’ the boy asks, peering at your mixing gear with his hands behind his back. You don’t know if Dave gave him the “no touching” talk or if the kid’s just polite, but you appreciate it. The idiots at the club are never that respectful of your gear.

‘I dunno, John, this was your idea,’ Dave says.

John sticks his tongue out at Dave.

‘No one has been to your house, I wanted to make sure you actually had one,’ he says.

‘Dude, no one could achieve this level of hotness living in a cardboard box,’ Dave says. ‘I grant you that I don’t know how to work an iron, but I do shower and change clothes daily.’

‘Yeah, yeah …’ John says. ‘How do you even walk down the street with all those bitches just throwing themselves at your feet?’

‘It’s a struggle, Johnny-boy. I asked Bro to make me a snow plow attachment for my kicks, but he said that it’s all part of the Strider charm, no getting around it. Just got to learn how to deal with it now, or it’ll just be that much harder when I get to his level.’

‘Where is your elusive bro?’ John asks.

‘Around,’ Dave says casually.

‘Come on, that has to be part of the experience! You’ve met my dad and my weird neighbours and my piano teacher, I gotta meet your bro!’

‘He’ll show when he feels like it,’ Dave says.

‘What, is he at work?’

‘Nah, Bro works nights. Does most shit at night time. But he probably remembers that I said you were coming over and staying the night and made some kind of arrangement for dinner, because that would be a pretty fucking embarrassing thing to forget as the so called provider around here. And he probably also remembers that he could cool it on the ninja shit while I have a friend over, because he’s not actually as psycho as he would like me to believe.’

John laughs nervously.

‘Can he hear us?’ he whispers.

Dave gives him the blankest of blank looks. You are so proud. Until he makes a movement to go and pull the manhole cover down. You roll your eyes and heave a mountain of smuppets out the entrance with supernatural speed. He knows better than to try and follow you. It’d be nice if you didn’t have to use sex puppets to teach the kid boundaries, but the least you can do is be predictable.

Dave is predictable right back in the way he flips the fuck out when he is neck deep in puppet dong. He flashsteps onto the kitchen counter and breathes heavily.

‘Bro!’ he says, his voice annoyed.

You roll your eyes and flashstep out of the crawl space so it looks like you were in the hallway all along.

‘Yes, Dave,’ you say, perfectly aloof.

John jumps like a foot in the air and pulls a big ass hammer out of his strife specibus. You raise an eyebrow over your shades.

‘Would it kill you to not booby trap the apartment?’

You cock your head to one side.

‘I don’t know,’ you say, faux-contemplative. ‘I’ve never tried it.’

‘What is up with these puppets?’ John asks. ‘I know you said they had dick noses, but they really do look like they have dick noses.’

He picks up a yellow one and looks at it interestedly.

‘That one vibrates,’ you tell him helpfully.

He drops it like it’s one of your killer basslines. You keep your face blank. Dave palms his face.

You notice a slight bulge in the knee of Dave’s skinny jeans, like there’s something padding it.

‘You have a tumble?’ you ask. And that’s the last of your air.

His eyes drop guiltily to his knee.

‘It was nothing,’ he says.

You cross your arms and wait.

John cracks first.

‘It really isn’t much! Just a bit of a graze.’

You inhale slowly, filling your lungs. Okay, now you smell it, but they’re right, there isn’t much blood and you can practically taste the antiseptic cream on it. In a way, it’s a relief, because you’re used to Dave’s blood, you’d never lose control over that, but having it exposed draws your attention more than John’s, means you’re not gonna lose control over his either. And, actually, his is fine too. You were just being cautious over nothing. Better that way, though. You only fed a week ago, you won’t need to for another few weeks, but you don’t like to tempt fate.

‘Striders are supposed to have more grace than that,’ you tell Dave.

‘He was distracted,’ John says, a goofy grin replacing the nervous look he had. He’s just leaning on his hammer like it’s no big deal. You like this kid.

‘Oh?’ you say, smiling slightly at John to keep him talking. Look at you, being all social, using facial expressions.

‘And showing off,’ John says, somehow grinning wider. Holy shit, that’s a happy kid.

‘For someone in particular?’ you ask, coming closer without really meaning to. You force yourself back into full control and lean against the back of the couch.

‘Oh my god, John, shut up,’ Dave whines.

Your smile tugs a little bigger. Your little bro is becoming a teenager, awkward crushes and embarrassing bro-parents and all.

‘Karkat!’ John blurts. He claps his hands over his mouth, his big blue eyes round with shock. ‘Oh my god, I didn’t mean to say that,’ he says.

‘’S’cool, kid,’ you say. You didn’t mean to pull an influence on him like that either. Usually the shades help. ‘I got one of those faces people tell things to. People see me, they give me the goss. It’s a curse being this trustworthy.’

Dave snorts. You hold your middle finger up for his examination.

‘I don’t care,’ Dave tells John. ‘He would have gotten it out of me anyway.’ He flops down on the couch, close to where you rest, but not quite. ‘He might not look it, but he’s like a thirteen year old girl when it comes to discussing other people’s love lives.’

‘Is it love then?’ you ask.

Dave puts his poker face to use, but his ears are tipped with red.

‘D’you want me to clear off, give you boys some quality BFF time before dinner?’ you offer.

Dave looks to John. Aw, he doesn’t mind if you stay.

‘No way!’ John says. ‘I can see Dave on his own any day, I might never get the full Strider experience again.’

That shocks a laugh out of you. Dave elbows you in the ribs. You fall back and backward roll so you are crouching on the other side of the couch, facing him, and subject him to a thorough tickling. You love that he is ticklish so much. He giggles and screams and kicks and even tries to flashstep away with zero effectiveness. You only stop when his eyes start to water.

John is looking at you in awe.

You straighten your hat a bit self consciously and sit on the far end of the couch so he and Dave can sit next to one another. You accept the controller that Dave hands you and the pair of you proceed to find the most bizarre ways to break your shitty skating game.

‘So, how did you two meet?’ you ask in the tone of a gossipy mother. Dave rolls his whole head at you.

‘My cousin Jade introduced us.’

‘That the girl who smells like the beach and is weirdly cool even though she’s a total dork?’ you ask.

'Dude,' Dave says.

John laughs. ‘That’s okay, I knew you had a thing for her.’

Dave savagely gets his player stuck in a rail.

‘She brought me along to the skate park after school one day and introduced us. I don’t think she expected us to get along as well as we do, though. She says I’ve stolen you.’

‘I talk to her plenty,’ Dave grumbles. ‘I am just as attentive to her as you.’

‘Yeah, but she’s never been invited to your house.’

'You weren’t invited to my house,’ Dave counters.

‘How did that happen?’ you ask. Dave has handed his controller to John and you are getting no small amusement from the way he’s actually trying to play the game properly.

‘He nagged me until I gave in. Same way he got me to agree to sleep at his house.’

‘You slept at his house?’ you ask. Shit, you are such a bad bro-dad.

‘Yeah, last month when you had your own slumber party to go to,’ he says. He’s so casual, like he doesn’t think twice about leaving the house anymore. Which is probably true. You don’t really care, so long as he’s safe, and there isn’t much that could do him harm, especially if he’s with a dork like John.

‘If you were getting up to the stuff I was getting up to on my slumber party, I think we need to have another talk,’ you say, waggling your eyebrows.

‘Gross, bro,’ he says.

‘Talk gross or John gross,’ you ask curiously.

'You gross,’ he says. ‘And John is just a friend, stop making everything I say gay, you’re worse than Rose.’

‘Oooh,’ John says. ‘Rose is going to be so jealous that I get to see in your house.’

‘You can invite people over,’ you tell Dave, just in case he doesn’t know that.

‘I know that,’ he says. A bit defensively. ‘John’s here, isn’t he?’

‘I almost don’t want anyone else to come over,’ John says. ‘So I can just be special.’

‘The first is always special,’ you say to him fondly.

He guffaws, goddamn guffaws. Oh god damn, that’s why you like this kid so much: he reminds you of Jake. Speaking of the first. Two decades and it still hurts that he’s gone. You kneel next to the games, looking for one that is a little less broken so that your face is hidden. Except you mostly collect broken games or break functional ones, so your options are limited.

You put a fighting game on that you haven’t broken yet and give your controller to Dave so the boys can verse each other. John picks a hammerkind character and Dave picks a swordkind. You give a little pfft of amusement.

John beats Dave soundly. You don’t even bother to give him shit, you just give him a smirk.

‘Shut up,’ he says, even though you didn’t say anything. ‘If this were a real strife I’d have him beat.’

‘I wouldn’t be so sure,’ John says. ‘I’m pretty handy with my hammer.’

‘And you’re shit with your sword,’ you tell Dave.

Dave throws the controller at you. You keep his character to prove that it was Dave’s loss, not the characters. You probably would have picked swordkind anyway. You beat John easily.

‘Woah!’ he says.

‘Just because I don’t spend all my time playing these games,’ Dave sulks.

‘I am hurt,’ you say. ‘I do so many things. Being fucking awesome at these games is but one of them.’

You play games, swapping controllers pretty regularly until Dave tells you to go order pizza. There was pretty much no way that wasn’t going to be what was for dinner. You flashstep to the kitchen to get away from their noise without thinking about it. John doesn’t even react. He didn’t when he saw Dave do the same earlier, they must be close. Still, you should really get better at not freaking out the humans. Even if the humans are pretty chill.

You call the place and then look up what time the sun sets on your phone. You’ll send Dave down to get it, just to be safe. Delivery guys hate having to take all the stairs and you like making Dave do stairs. Win win.

You take your pizza into the kitchen and spit the bite you took for camouflage’s sake into the disposal along with the rest of it. You take a glass of water and try and swill all the pizza residue out of your mouth and into the sink. You hate having food stuff in your body, it takes ages to be absorbed properly.

On a whim, you tear a crust free and leave that on your plate and wait for the boys to finish. Dave looks at the crust on your plate and gives you an amused look. You smirk at him. You’re blending in so fucking well. He grabs a bottle of apple juice for himself and a coke for John from the fridge. You resist the urge to brag to John about how impressive your fridge full of groceries is. It probably isn’t, from the outside. It’s probably bare fucking minimum in caring for a human. And Dave buys most of the groceries anyway.

After a while, Dave casually offers a round of strife with you. You roll your eyes because he is so obviously showing off for John, but the three of you go up to the roof anyway. You turn on the lights so that the puny humans can see and you strife for a while. You go slightly easier on Dave than usual, letting him show off, but you win, obviously. You aren’t going to pander that much. He and John have a round afterwards and even though he must be tired, Dave wins pretty easily. You have the toughest kid. The half vampire thing probably helps.

They have showers and then go to hang out in Dave’s room. You listen to Dave’s music from the couch and wonder if you should have been encouraging this “having friends” thing way before now. Yeah, you don’t like having your space invaded and you still think school is too dangerous with all the adults, but Dave seems happy. He has friends. You knew that before tonight, he talks about them enough, but you didn’t really know . You put on sports in the background so that you aren’t tempted to eavesdrop on the boys and let your mind drift.

You’re surprised when John tiptoes into the kitchen in the middle of the night for a drink of water. You’ve been watching anime since you heard them go to sleep, using your headphones like a god damn gentleman, because you weren’t sure if John would sleep easy if he could hear you moving around. You weren’t really sure if John would hear you if you were dicking around with your mixers or robotics, but watching TV seemed safe.

You slide your headphones off and return his awkward smile. He gets himself a glass of water and then leans against the kitchen counter to drink it. You have no idea what to do in this situation.

‘What’s your name?’ he asks suddenly.

‘Dirk,’ you reply. No one calls you it anymore, but you wouldn’t mind if John did. ‘What, “Bro” not good enough for you?’

‘Why doesn’t Dave call you “dad”?’ he asks, ignoring your question.

You walk over to the kitchen at human pace so you aren’t hissing at each other across the apartment like weirdos.

‘I had him real young,’ you say.

He snorts. You raise your eyebrows.

‘Obviously,’ he says, awkwardly avoiding your eyes.

Stupid non-aging body. Could have been worse. Could have happened at seven or something instead of 24. You can pass for older with your sideburns and your confidence. 24 probably isn’t too young to have a kid, (and really you were closer to 60) but you were an immature idiot. Still are. Stupid non-aging mind.

‘Not only that, his mom kept him a secret from me. So I had no time to get used to the idea of having a sprog before I had one. And being called “dad” freaked me out. By the time I came around to the idea, I kinda liked that he called me “bro” anyway.’ You feel a bit awkward now. You haven’t told anyone but Jane and Dave this. And with Jane it was in a letter, like most of your conversations. You miss her, too. Stupid fragile humans.

‘We don’t exactly have a typical relationship, but I like it. Think he does too. He’s stuck with it, anyway. I’m not great with change.’

‘He thinks the world of you,’ John says. ‘I think you’re a good bro-dad.’

You attempt to smile at him because there’s nothing to say to that. If he had just said dad, he would have been wrong. Your kid schooling you on the function of a fridge at the tender age of six was pretty good proof of that. But he is happy and healthy and he tells you what’s going on in his life. Maybe you’re not awful at it.

John finishes his water and goes back to Dave’s room. You check the blinds are all firmly down before settling back in to watch more of this animated schoolgirl getting possessed by her slutty school uniform. You calculate it will be at least seven more episodes before they wake, knowing Dave probably double that. You’ll have to be around for breakfast with John there. You don’t want to prove him wrong.

Chapter Text

After John visits, you half expect Dave to invite folks over left and right, now that the proverbial dam has broken. But things mostly go back to normal. He talks about all his friends a lot, but now he says things like ‘you know what John’s like,’ and it fills you with this weird, warm feeling. Inclusion. It’s nice.

One day, you’re at your laptop, deep in the code of the new best shooter, adding mods to make the characters look like ponies and the buildings look like dildos and basically trying to make it unplayable, when Dave flops down next to you, too casual to be actually casual. He wants something. You finish applying the mod to make the guns look like bananas and set your laptop aside. You give him your full attention. He hates it. Ha.

‘It’s my birthday next month,’ he says.

‘Yep,’ you say.

‘16,’ he says.

‘Now that can’t be right,’ you say, deadpan. ‘I swear you’re 14 this year, are you not 14 this year?’

‘No,’ he says, rolling his eyes.

‘See, this is why you should be eternally 24, then I don’t need to remember this shit. I really recommend being eternally 24.’

‘Bro,’ he says.

You shut up. 16 is important, you know this, it says so in all those Disney movies you love so much. Wait, does he want to go marry a prince? Will you have to tell him not to? Will he fling himself on his arms and sob? You are not equipped to handle this.

‘John thinks I should have a party. On the roof.’

Uh … daylight ... people being at your house … people knowing where you and Dave live … but kids have parties … you can’t say no to him … parenting is hard.

‘Do you even have enough friends for a party?’ you ask like an asshole.

He gives you the blank stare you deserve.

‘What do you need from me?’ you say, and that’s better.

‘Permission? Help making the roof look more party like and less battleground-ey? Greet parents so they know there is parental supervision and no booze?’

‘What, like I gotta talk to adults and make them believe their kids are safe at my house?’ you ask. ‘Dude, we’d be better off hiring someone off Craigslist.’

Dave goes quiet for a minute, as if considering it. You shove him.

‘You’ll be fine. John has the most protective dad of all of them and he’s already clear to come here. Just … I dunno, look up some small talk topics or something.’

‘And you don’t want booze?’ you check. Should you be leaving that decision up to your kid? Probably not.

‘Nah, only losers brag about how much they drink on the weekends.’

How did you raise a good kid? It baffles you.

‘Very true,’ you say. Your 16th birthday is one you barely remember, and not just because it was so long ago. You did not have that opinion then. You got well and truly hammered and threw up in three different beds that your friends kept trying to put you in. Each time you snuck back out to rally and dance and try to pick people up. A surprisingly good night, despite all the vomiting.

‘So when are we doing this?’ you ask. You have research to do. Maybe you’ll buy a fatherly pipe. God bless Amazon and the ability to have almost everything you need delivered to your door so you don’t have to go outside.

‘My birthday falls on a Monday, so the Saturday before?’

‘What’s the date today?’

He rolls his eyes.

‘6th. It’s a Tuesday.’

‘Oh shit, it’s Cal night,’ you say.

He rolls his eyes again. Teenagers are delightful. You look at the time on the microwave and convert it into real world time. You still have like five hours. You relax.

‘Okay, plenty of time to get myself all daddied up,’ you say.

‘You really shouldn’t go over the top with that. I mean, they all know I call you Bro, I’ve called you a weirdo, they don’t expect a Mr Egbert.’

You sigh dramatically while inwardly squeeing that your kid talks about you with his friends.

‘Please show me another picture of Mr Egbert,’ you say.

‘No,’ Dave says firmly.

‘But I want to marry him,’ you say.

‘No,’ Dave repeats.

‘Cockblocker,’ you say.

‘A title I’m proud to wear,’ Dave says.

You shove him and then show him all your changes to the shooter. He is suitably impressed, especially by the way you’ve got it to make the character jump two feet to the left after a random number of steps. When you go out for your show, Dave gives you a fistbump. What a sap. He must be really grateful.

You spend basically all your time for the next three weeks freaking out and becoming an expert in current events, just in case someone comments on something the president has done and you go off on a tangent about Nixon. Not that you know anything about Nixon. You go to 24 hour diners and listen to people talk to one another. You quiz Dave on his friends and their parents. 15 is pretty old for a kid to bring home his first friend and you fluked that success with no small thanks due to John for being so enthusiastic he probably would have been impressed with you even if you weren’t on your best behaviour. You really want his first birthday party to go well.

He barely takes the piss. That’s how you know that he agrees that you need to make this much of an effort. You’ve never been more grateful for the way you don’t sleep.

Finally and all too soon, the day arrives. You pace around, unable to even do any research because you’re too jittery. You set everything up on the roof the night before, because duh, sun, and the whole day you feel like vibrating out of your skin with nerves. You’re not allowed to strife in the house, so you just have to keep your cool. You are sure that you have some around here somewhere. Don’t you pride yourself on overflowing with cool?

John arrives first, with his dad and a girl who must be Jade. You open the door and invite them both through the (smuppet free) apartment to come up to the roof. Mr Egbert is just as hunky in real life, but you refuse to flirt with him. You puff on your pipe (yeah, you bought an ironic pipe, it’s nice to have something to do with your hands) and stand next to him as John admires the spread you have going in his loud, enthusiastic voice and provides another cake. Dave trails him like a cool shadow. Jade is admiring the view. You wonder if you should warn her to be careful so close to the edge of the building. You decide she can handle herself.

‘You’ve got a good kid, there,’ you tell Mr Egbert. ‘Was a pleasure having him last time.’

Mr Egbert smiles easily. He produces his own pipe. Dave not-at-all subtly takes a picture.

‘I’m very proud of him,’ he says. ‘Your boy is a good sort, too. John says you homeschool him?’

‘Most of the time he directs his own learning now,’ you admit. ‘Kinda makes me miss when he was younger and thought I knew all the answers.’

‘Hoho! Yes, John has given up on asking me for help with his maths! I thought I was quite the dab hand at numbers, but I’m afraid I’ve become rather reliant on my calculator.’

You hear the doorbell and excuse yourself. Mr Egbert gives you a look and you fish a random switch from your pocket. ‘Hooked up a sensor,’ you lie.

The boy at the door is sans parent and pretty awkward.

‘Hi,’ you say. ‘Here for Dave’s bash?’

‘Yeah, I’m Karkat,’ he says, looking you in the eyes for barely a second before returning to stare at his shoes.

‘Right this way,’ you say, admirably not asking if he like-likes your bro back. Look at all that restraint. You barely get him up to the roof (Jade hugs him so hard he nearly falls over and swears impressively) when the doorbell goes again.

This time a group of three girls with one mom-type figure arrives.

‘Yo,’ you say.

‘I’m Vriska, this is Terezi and this is Kanaya. You’re Bro. Mom, can you go now?’ one of the girls rattles off.

‘Hi … Bro?’ the mom says. ‘I’m Aranea.’

‘Yo,’ you say again. ‘You can call me Dirk if Bro is too weird,’ you offer. Look at you, doing social things.

‘He has a name!’ Terezi says with a cackle. ‘Perhaps this Strider will be more forthcoming about information!’

‘Mom, you can leave,’ Vriska insists.

You do your dadly duty and offer an alternative.

‘Party’s on the roof, girls. Aranea, you’re welcome to come for a bit, John’s dad is up there too.

Vriska sighs but marches across the house and onto the fire escape without a shred of doubt. Kanaya holds Terezi’s arm, guiding her so she doesn’t have to use her cane.

You introduce Aranea to Mr Egbert and then spend the next half hour ferrying kids back and forth. Soon the adults make their excuses and leave. Your human skills are so good. You walk over to Dave and tell him as much. John hears and guffaws. You give the kid a wink. He thinks you’re joking.

‘Is this everyone?’ you ask. You’re actually super impressed that he has this many friends. And they all seem to like him. Even at your peak you really only had two friends at any given time.

‘All ‘cept Rose, but she messaged me. Her mom couldn’t bring her after all so she had to find her own way. She’ll be here soon.’

You nod your head and leave him to his friends, going over to the little DJ booth you’ve got set up. You went a bit overboard, you’re well aware. There’s multicoloured string lights and streamers and so very much junk food. The one plate of vegetables and hummus you put out so you wouldn’t feel guilty at the junk food hasn’t been touched. You’ve rigged up speakers everywhere except for a corner with chairs so that people have somewhere to talk without yelling. There’s a table that used to have party games on it that Dave immediately vetoed. You have backup games in your sylladex for if he gets too cocky and needs to be brought down a peg with pin the tail on the donkey.

Dave goes to the door when you give him a look. With no parents to schmooze up to, there was little point you abandoning your post and your sweet beats. Ha, you’re really just playing off an iPod so you can eavesdrop on Dave’s friends without looking like a creep. You might do some mixing later if you get bored.

When he comes back, you freeze with shock. You flashstep over before you can think better of it.

‘Roxy,’ you say.

‘Rose,’ she corrects with a wry smile. ‘But not an uncommon or altogether unwelcome mistake.’ She turns to Dave. ‘My mother is quite a fox, after all.’

‘How do you know Rose’s mom? You don't know anyone,’ Dave says.

You ignore him in favour of giving this carbon replica of your ex your full attention.

‘How old are you?’ you ask.

‘What a way to start an acquaintance with a young lady!’ Rose says. She sees how serious you are. ‘16 on Tuesday,’ she says.

That fucking bitch. Halfway through your flashstep to the fire escape Dave catches your wrist.

‘What the fuck, Bro?’

Right. Dave's party. His first ever birthday party. No need to cause a scene. This can wait. It's waited almost 16 god damn years. You shake yourself out of Dave's grip.

‘Sorry, little dude. Lost my cool there. Ha. Been a long while since I saw your mom, Rose. Thought she was dead, to be honest. Bit of a shock.’

'No, completely alive,’ Rose says. ‘Should I tell her to expect a visit from you?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, tell her Dirk Strider would love to get a drink sometime. Soon.’

‘An irresistible offer to my mother, I'm sure.’

You bless your attachment to your shades as you give your daughter a long look. Dave distracts her with conversation as you stare. John bounds over and greets Rose with a shy hug and punches you in the shoulder. You raise your eyebrows at Dave and he smirks at you. You punch John back and he staggers several steps.

‘Hey Bro!’ he says. ‘Rose, do you know Bro? He makes perfectly symmetrical pancakes!’

Rose smiles fondly at John.

‘Oh, have you met Bro before? You haven't told me today. I suppose you may have and I simply haven't seen the message yet.’

‘You been boasting about me?’ you ask incredulously.

John blushes. Oh. How do normal adults do this?

‘John and I got pretty close,’ you say. ‘Takes a special guy to get me talking about my feelings in the middle of the night.’

‘What?’ Dave asks.

‘Dude caught me at a vulnerable moment. Watching some emotional stuff. Had to have a heart to heart.’

John gives a nervous giggle.

‘You were watching cartoons!’ he protests.

‘Bro takes his anime very seriously,’ Dave says.

‘What did you discuss?’ Rose asks.

‘I’ll take it with me to the grave,’ you say, all sombre. ‘I'll leave you kids to it.’ You give Dave and then John a fist bump. Rose raises her eyebrow. She offers her fist and you kiss her knuckles gently before you think better of it. That was probably a creepy move. Oh well. She smiles though, and you flashstep back to your booth, taking over from the iPod. Yeah, distraction would be a nice thing now.

From this position you can see Dave circulating the room like he's had a million parties. You notice he stands up a little taller near Karkat and subtly mix in a poppy love song. Dave is so absorbed in his conversation he doesn't notice for almost a full minute.You feel rather than see him glaring at you through his shades and calmly play along with the chorus on your keyboard before changing the song.

You are relieved to see that Rose is holding hands with another girl and therefore you don’t have to have the incest talk with Dave at some point. You think you’d probably just never say anything if that happened, sit at the wedding with Roxy and pretend like everything was chill. Because Rose is definitely your kid. If their neighbouring birthdays hadn’t confirmed it (Dave was born at ten to midnight according to his birth certificate) and her crazy resemblance to Roxy was nothing, you would have been convinced after eavesdropping on her like the creepy vampire you are. She’s you. None of Roxy’s wild enthusiasm, but her grace and intelligence. Your sarcasm and wit, but none of your awkwardness. You love her. You’ve known of her existence for half an hour and you love her. It was the same when you first met Dave.

The party is due to finish at midnight, and at 11:30 you set off some pretty spectacular fireworks. Dave watches Karkat instead of the fireworks and you are going to give him so much shit for that. Not that you don’t get it, the kid has looked nothing but shy or grumpy all night, usually both at the same time, so it’s pretty cute to see him looking at the sky in awe. Rose catches Dave as well and whispers something in his ear, causing him to jump out of his skin. You sigh. So much for your ninja kid. You console yourself with the knowledge that Rose has probably inherited a bit of your sneakiness. It isn’t like a goof like John snuck up on him.

You leave the door open with a sign on telling parents to come to the roof to collect their charges and you manage to make small talk with all of them once more. You’re relieved when Rose goes home with Mr Egbert, to sleep at Jade’s house rather than catch a taxi back to hers. You fist bump them all goodbye, even Mr Egbert, though he’s baffled by it, and give John an extra one because he seems like he would lord that over the others and damn if that isn’t funny.

The last one left is a tall kid called Gamzee, but you don’t mind at all because he and Dave get into a rap battle while you drop a beat, and that’s pretty great. In the end, he crashes on the couch. His dad is apparently very unreliable. You congratulate yourself on not being the worst parent in Dave’s life.

In the morning you make obligatory pancakes and then call the kid a taxi and give him money for it.

‘The wicked messiahs sent you right up into my life like a motherfucking miracle, my brother,’ he tells you, before absentmindedly rolling the note you gave him into a familiar looking shape.

‘You ever need to crash here, you can,’ you tell him. ‘So long as you don’t give my kid drugs, we’re cool.’

He gives you a hug you don’t know how to return and then gives Dave a much longer one, until Dave pokes him in the cheek and he leaves.

‘I think he fell asleep on me,’ Dave says to you.

You smirk.

‘He might be my favourite,’ you say.

‘Yeah? Who are the other contenders?’

‘John, obviously. Nepeta. She came over to me and gave me so much gossip. Rose.’

‘What was the deal with that?’ he asks.

Do you tell him now? Surely it’s better to know now then to hear you telling Roxy later.

‘Come sit on the couch with me,’ you say.

Dave goes, but he looks spooked. You decide to be as direct as possible.

‘So you know that I never knew your mom was pregnant with you. We were a thing, and then one day she just disappeared. She moved to Iceland, sobered up so she could land a job and presumably keep you healthy and it took me a year to find her. I loved her, so I didn’t give up. Turned out she left me because she didn’t want to share you. I’m still not quite clear on what her logic was there. Probably thought a vampire wasn’t dad material. Or maybe just that I wasn’t. I found you and took you back. She was upset, but she was young, had her whole career ahead of her and I was a selfish dick who couldn’t stand to not have you. Wasn’t gonna shack up with the woman who kept my son from me, either.’

You breathe deeply. None of that is news to Dave.

‘Her name was Roxy Lalonde and her daughter—our daughter—is the spitting image of her.’

Dave stares at you blankly.

‘People can’t lie to you,’ he says.

‘No, but Roxy was fucking smart. If anyone could talk around the truth without me noticing, it was her.’ You look at your hands. You always fall for the ones who can trick you. How many times did you let Jake get away with playing dumb?

Dave leans back into the couch.

‘Were you going to just march out onto the street looking for her?’ he asks.

You shove him, because you were going to do exactly that and that shit is embarrassing.

‘After almost two decades. And what, you were hoping your bloodhound trick would work?’

‘You don’t know it wouldn’t,’ you say sulkily.

Dave smirks at you so you cross your legs and close your eyes, feeling out to your past victims through your blood connection. You ignore Dave’s presence, always easy to find. You can feel the guy you had on Thursday asleep in the apartment he took you to. You can feel the guy from the month before at breakfast only a few blocks away. The rest blur into one another a bit more. You haven’t tried to search for Roxy since you got Dave back, assuming she was staying in Iceland, well out of your range. She had her own mental flavour, they all do. You remember that exuberance and fierce loyalty and ditsy grace. You remember how she fought you for Dave until you took her will away. You think she’ll come to see him, if not you. You remember how she used to tease you when you fed on her blood, laughing at how it took you ages to ask her because you kept rambling around the issue until she would take pity on you and demand that you ravish her. You remember how the alcohol made her blood taste different, how she managed to get you second hand drunk and you hadn’t even known that was possible before then. You think you feel her, like something out of the corner of your eye, but you can’t focus any further. You could go closer to where that feeling’s coming from. Or you could just wait. You open your eyes and Dave is no longer on the couch with you. You look at the microwave. Okay, you were out of it for almost ten hours. Night time again. You pop your head in Dave’s room and he’s on his computer.

‘Find her?’ he asks.

‘Maybe. It’s not strong. She’s changed.’

He looks up at you.

‘Are you gonna kidnap Rose, too?’

‘Only if I think she’s in danger.’

Dave nods.

‘Did you tell her?’

He gives a humourless laugh.

‘Not exactly believable. I think I’ll let her mom do that. Or you, whichever.’

‘Strife?’ you ask. You’re full of nervous energy.

He nods and types a few last things into his computer before slouching after you to the roof.

Chapter Text

Rose messages Dave almost a week later. Roxy has apparently flip flopped between meeting you so many times that Rose didn’t feel the need to include Dave in on it until she thought she was actually serious about it. You appreciate not having to go through that kind of agony in theory, but you were pretty much stressing about it constantly anyway. Dave says he has accidentally hit on Rose about 500 more times in the last week than he has in the previous five years of friendship.

You sigh. And then acknowledge that even though there was never any doubt that Dave was your son, he has gone above and beyond in proving it with that amount of awkwardness.

Together you arrange to meet Roxy on Saturday after sundown. You venture out to the supermarket on Friday night so that you can buy stuff for a cheese board and martinis. And soft drink and apple juice for the kids. You go through so much god damned apple juice.

Normally you let Dave buy whatever he wants. He cooks for himself, unless he whines at you to take over with something simple or takeaway. You can’t remember what food tastes like, and it sometimes shows. You made one of his subjects home economics so that it would go towards his schooling. He gets As and you get to pretend to be Gordon Ramsay criticising food you can’t eat.

You try not to feel too nervous. Last time you saw Roxy you just felt angry. It wasn’t just that she had jilted you, that she had taken your son from you, though that was plenty to be getting on with. There was a primal anger, one you hadn’t felt before, the anger of a vampire whose thrall had somehow evaded him. You were so disgusted you hadn’t even considered biting her. You knew if you had, you would have drunk her dry, even though that would have glutted you, even though you would have been left feeling uncomfortable for a year afterwards. You’ve only done it once. You’ve never met a vampire who liked to do it, though, to be fair, you haven’t met many.

After your shopping, you check in on Dave (fucking about on his computer, just for a change) and hit the clubs.

You could have anyone off the streets, you’re persuasive, but you’re also smart, and you don’t like to influence people to do things they wouldn’t have thought of on their own. No need to start a panic. No need to leave a trail. So you pick up people the human way and then influence them to remember cutting themselves on something that wasn’t vampire fangs and then to crave a steak and leafy green vegetables afterwards to boost that iron back up. You like to think you’re a pretty considerate vampire.

Tonight the clubs are full of students home for the holidays. You left your cap and shades at home and changed into younger clothes, shedding the thirty something disguise and letting yourself be 24. You miss being able to drink. Being with a wasted partner isn’t worth the small buzz it gives you. You ask for a glass of water from the barman and proceed to spill it on the floor until it’s at a level where you can pretend to drink without actually getting any in your mouth.

Normally you gravitate towards men. It’s not an overwhelming preference, but it’s definitely your first choice. But tonight, blonde women are catching your eye. Do you really want to have a Roxy proxy (heh) the night before you see her again? Will it help clear her out of your system or will it be like offering the first rock of crack to an ex addict? In the end, your decision is made for you. One of the women you were eyeing earlier trips right into your arms and spills your water everywhere. Her blouse clings to her skin as she apologises and pats you with her empty hands ineffectively.

‘Slow down,’ you tell her. You steer her to the bathrooms and tell her to wait while you grab some paper towel. She does, of course.

You offer it to her rather than groping her out of the gate and press some to your own shirt and jeans where they got wet.

‘Was there a lake in that glass or what?’ she jokes.

‘I swear I’d drunk most of it,’ you say. ‘God, this always happens. I spilt apple juice the other day, like a tiny, tiny amount and it covered the whole floor.’

‘Ellie,’ she says, holding out a hand.

‘Bro,’ you say, shaking it.

‘Can I buy you a replacement?’ she asks.

‘I’d seriously almost finished. I’d rather have a dance.’

She blushes and looks to the floor before looking up under her eyelashes. Oh, she’s got moves. You’re in the mood for a girl like her tonight. You let her lead you to the dancefloor and are rewarded with some of the least shy dancing you’ve ever been a part of.

After the first song, she presses herself against you and kisses you deeply. She pulls away and grins, flicking her eyes to your crotch and back, letting you know she felt the semi she gave you with her stripper moves. You’re not embarrassed, she was practically giving you a standing lap dance, you’re pretty sure it’s a compliment.

‘You’re so sexy,’ you growl, pulling her back for another kiss. No point acting coy.

‘Wanna get out of here?’ she asks.

You nod.

In the taxi you treat the driver to the show of a truly sloppy makeout, so glad to have found someone quickly, glad she’s keen, glad she shudders all over when you kiss her neck like it’s extra sensitive. It takes quite a bit of self control to keep your hands to her waist, in her hair, on the outside of her blouse and jeans. You arrive at Ellie’s place and tip the cabbie generously, because you can, and then practically race her into the building. You wait awkwardly for the lift to arrive and then, once she’s pressed the button for her level, press her to the wall and kiss her more.

The lift dings as it opens its doors and you chant human speed, human speed over and over in your head as you walk painfully slowly to her door, wait for her to unlock it, fail to resist the urge to distract her, pressing kisses to her neck and hands to her hips, to her breasts as she fumbles the key. She gets it and you hesitate, just long enough for her to say, ‘come in , you’re not backing out now!’ and then you’re inside, pushing her back onto the door and up. She wraps her legs around your hips and you’re grinding against her slowly as you kiss frantically and when you start kissing down to her breasts she finally gasps out, ‘wait!’ and you freeze.

‘I have roommates,’ she says and you relax again, let her down, let her lead you to her bedroom.

‘So, we should be quiet,’ you check and she hits you gently on the chest.

‘ Yes, ’ she whispers. She closes the door and flicks on a few lamps. Ah, women. Why have one overhead light when you can have fifty lamps? They have a way of making places feel homey with the kinds of choices that baffle you.

She sits on the bed to undo the straps on her shoes and then looks at you expectantly. You pull your shirt over your head slowly and say a quick thank you to human Dirk for being obsessed with working out. Eternally ripped. Hell yeah. Ellie practically licks her lips.

You toe off your shoes and socks with practiced balance. You unpop the button on your jeans and slide the zipper down. You open the fabric so she can see you’re going commando underneath and then pretend to hesitate. Gotta let the lady decide when you’re fully naked. It’s polite.

Her eyes flick up from where your hands halted on your waistband and you hold them out for her to step closer to you. She comes immediately and you start unbuttoning her blouse, maintaining that eye contact.

Eye contact is dangerous with you. If you tell someone to do something and they’re not looking at you, it’s only slightly harder to resist than if a normal human had said it, but when you make eye contact, you can get them to do anything. It’s why you wear shades. It’s why you make Dave wear his shades. He hasn’t got anywhere near your power, but he’s a teenager. You know you would have been suggesting all sorts of stuff to all sorts of people when you were a teenager if you had this power then.

Even not saying anything, you can feel Ellie getting a little hypnotised by your eyes, so you drop your gaze to her body as you slide her shirt off her shoulders. You unbutton her jeans and unzip them then look at her expectantly. She gets the hint and slides them down. You hook a thumb in the waistline of her gorgeous, black lacy panties and pull her in for a kiss. Girls have the best clothes. You trace the lace over her ass as you kiss and she pulls on your hair. You have to get quite slouchy to kiss her now that she’s not wearing heels, but that won’t be a problem when you’re in bed. You give her a tiny nudge in that direction and she drags you back like a champ. You really quite like this girl. Maybe you’ll keep her. At least give her your real number. You unclip her bra and thumb over her nipples. She’s like a live wire, so responsive, arching up into your hands, loving every touch. You make eye contact with her and hold it for a moment.

‘I’m going to use my mouth,’ you tell her. She nods helplessly. You kiss down her neck, lingering at her pulse point and resolving to have her there next time before kissing down her breasts, her belly, down to her inner thighs. Your fangs come out with the slightest prompting and you use one to pierce her skin with a thin cut. Yeah, jabbing them in is one of the most satisfying impulses to follow in your unlife, but leaving vampire bites on people isn’t cool. You drink slowly, bruising a hickey on to her thigh. She groans above you, and that’s better, you like it when they like it too. You take what you need and then lick the cut so it closes. You lick your lips before meeting her eyes again. ‘I just gave you a normal hickey,’ you tell her. ‘If you look at it, it’s just a normal hickey.’ She nods. Satisfied, you start licking her through her panties, sucking on the fabric, teasing at the edges where it meets her skin. She moans appreciatively. You sit up so you can take the panties off and she helps. She squirms under your tongue. You slip two fingers inside and she makes a delicious noise. You suck on her clit as you slowly pump your fingers. Her legs are shaking. Her breath is loud and unsteady. She grabs at your hair and pulls.

‘Bro,’ she says. ‘Please, I need more.’

You take off your jeans and roll on a condom from your pocket. She hooks her ankles around your hips and pulls you close, so you oblige, guiding yourself in. You take a moment to let the pleasure wash over you. You like teasing, and you’ll get her to work you up next time, but there’s something so fucking delicious about going from nothing to sex. Feeding turns you on enough to make foreplay an unnecessary bonus.

You start slow, but that doesn’t last long as she claws at you and coaxes you into a punishing pace. You lean up for better leverage and she rests her ankles on your shoulders without needing to be told. You groan and nip at her foot with your safe teeth before finding a rhythm. You’re worked up, you know how rare it is to be this compatible with a stranger, you love her body, you’re not going to last long …

‘God,’ she gasps. ‘Fuck, I’m so close, keep going, there ,’ she says. You keep your pace consistent even though you’re desperate to speed up, nothing ruder than interrupting a move that works, and moan when she clenches around you in orgasm. You keep thrusting through your own release and then she lowers her feet and you rest on your forearms while you catch your breath.

‘Wow,’ you say.

She laughs breathlessly. After a moment you deal with the condom and arrange yourselves more comfortably.

‘I can’t stay til morning,’ you say, tracing her arm. ‘I’d like to, but I look after my little brother, don’t want him to wake up and not know where I am.’

She hums. ‘But you can stay for a bit?’

You tighten your arms around her. ‘Yeah,’ you say.

You talk for an hour, she tells you about her roommates and her job at the cafe that was only supposed to be for a couple of months but has turned into a year and a half and you tell her about Dave having his first party at your place and how you don’t really know how to raise a kid but you’re trying. It sounds a lot more reasonable to say that as a brother who has only been doing it a little while than as his dad. When you leave, you save your number in her phone and text yourself a selfie of the two of you so you have her number too. She pulls you back on top of her when you try and kiss her goodbye and you wrestle good naturedly for a while before extricating yourself properly. You pat your pockets to make sure you’ve got everything and give her one last kiss before leaving. On the street there are no taxis and it’s started to rain. You close your eyes and reach out to your connections to get your bearings. There’s Dave, stronger than anyone else. You look around and strain your ears, but you seem to be completely alone. You still step deeper into the shadows before folding your body small, growing wings and flying home. You’re back by three. You stretch on the roof until just before sunset, rolling through your poses and enjoying the quiet until you have to retreat back inside.

Only 12 more hours until you see Roxy again.

Chapter Text

Dave answers the door when Rose and Roxy arrive. You lean on the back of the couch, arms crossed, shades tucked into your shirt collar.

‘You keep those fucking sunglasses on your fucking face,’ Roxy spits as soon as she sees you.

You lazily unfold them and slide them into place. She doesn’t relax.

‘Good evening to you too, Rox,’ you say.

She has her hand gripped tight on Rose’s shoulder. Rose doesn’t seem to care, but she’s looking at you curiously.

‘What do you want?’ Roxy asks.

‘Been a while. Thought you were in Iceland. Can’t a guy meet an old friend for drinks?’

Roxy lets go of Rose’s shoulder and flashsteps so she’s toe to toe with you. Huh, so she kept that little ability. You weren’t sure if it would last after you stopped feeding on her. Her eyes are still pink as well. She’s probably just as vampire as Dave is. Perhaps that’s how she was able to lie to you. Her aggression would probably intimidate most people. Shame she’s forgotten that you aren’t a person.

‘You told Rose?’ you ask, casually.

She rolls her eyes and stalks to the kitchen. She pops an olive into her mouth before fixing herself a martini. She pops a hip and glares at you. She’s gotten old. It always surprises you when people do that when you aren’t looking. But it suits her. She’s grown into that wry grace. You do mental maths. She would have just turned 38.

‘That a “no”?’

‘Yeah, that’s a fucking “no”. You told Dave?’

‘Yes,’ you say.

She flinches. She covers it with a classy sip of her martini.

‘Want some AJ?’ Dave asks Rose, as if this is all going perfectly normally. ‘Bro got soft drink as well.’

‘Apple juice would be lovely,’ she says. ‘Perhaps drinking your brand will illuminate the intensity of your love.’

‘Any apple juice is good apple juice,’ Dave says, grabbing a couple of bottles from the fridge. He throws one to Rose and she catches it easily. He sits on the couch and she joins him.

‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on?’ she asks politely. ‘I so hate being out of the loop. It’s an unfamiliar feeling.’

‘Ha, nah. Let Bro do it.’

Rose turns her gaze on you. Her ankles are tucked neatly together. She looks like the Roxy you first met, just in more modest clothes and without that air of mischief. Or the ever present martini glass.

You look at Roxy. She drains her martini and nods her permission for you to talk before making herself another one. She hasn’t changed a bit.

‘Your mom ever tell you who your daddy is?’ you ask.

‘Bro,’ Dave says.

‘What?’ you ask.

‘Might have been innocent fifty years ago, not now.’

You stare at him blankly.

Rose clears her throat.

‘I fail to see what my paternity has to do with anything,’ she says. ‘But in any case, no, because she doesn’t know herself. Mother failed to protect herself from my conception during an ill-advised liaison and here I am.’

You raise your eyebrows and she clarifies.

‘She didn’t get my father’s name. Or if she did, it wasn’t remembered.’

‘Am I so forgettable, Rox?’ you ask.

Roxy rolls her eyes and continues her investigation of your cheese board.

‘Forgive me for saying,’ Rose says. ‘But perhaps, seeing as your first words to me were to ascertain my age, you won’t hold it against me. Aren’t you a bit young to be my father?’

‘No.’

‘May I ask how old you are?’

‘Complicated question,’ you say. ‘Body’s 24. Mind’s 76.’

‘Your mind’s 12,’ Roxy corrects. ‘It’s just been around a while.

Rose stares at you.

‘People generally don’t lie to me,’ she says.

‘No, I expect they wouldn’t. I passed that one on to Dave as well.’

She looks to Dave as if expecting him to contradict you. He shrugs awkwardly.

‘Shades make it easier for people to resist.’

‘You knew?’ she asks.

‘He didn’t even know until he met you last week,’ Dave says, hands up. ‘I thought it’d come better from him than me.’

‘What are you?’ Rose asks. She doesn’t look remotely afraid. Rox wasn’t either.

You hesitate. This part is never easy.

‘I’m a vampire,’ you say, meeting her eyes and willing her to believe you.

‘Prove it,’ she says, without missing a beat.

Roxy sashays over to you and offers her wrist. You look at her searchingly.

‘I fed last night,’ you murmur.

‘Easier than pissing you off,’ she says. ‘Still unflappable as ever.’

You raise your eyebrow. She flaps you pretty god damn easily.

Still, you feel your fangs swell in your mouth as you watch her blood pulse through the thin skin on her wrist. You lean forward as if to bite her so they come out fully and then bare your teeth for Rose instead. Roxy smirks and takes her wrist back and retreats back to the kitchen. You close your mouth and lick at your fangs, urging them to retract. Eh, you can still talk with them out.

‘Nice look, Bro,’ Dave tells you.

You rarely show him your teeth when you smile, but now you grin so you can show off a bit. You don’t take them out around him, generally speaking. He sees enough of your inhuman side as it is.

‘This is a lot to take in,’ Rose says. She still looks calm. Just like she’s stating that as a fact that needs to be said.

‘You gonna take my girl from me?’ Roxy asks, glaring at you over her martini.

‘She take care of you?’ you ask Rose, gesturing at Roxy with a thumb. ‘You happy?’

‘If I said “no” would you really take me from her? Would she let you?’

‘I’m convincing,’ you say.

She holds your gaze as if you don’t have shades in the way for a long moment.

‘I’m staying with my mother,’ she says.

‘That doesn’t work on me,’ you say. ‘But I’m not in the business of taking people from where they want to be.’

Roxy scoffs.

‘Something you want to say?’ you ask. ‘Did I take you somewhere you didn’t want to be?’

‘Oh no,’ she says, and her tone is as dry and bitey as the drink in her hand. ‘You were a very generous master.’

You walk over to her, human-slow and with a confidence you had even before you were turned. You don’t stop until you’re less than an inch from touching her. She sips her drink, nonchalant.

‘I can’t help influencing people I’m close to. I warned you. It was your idea. You stayed.’

‘I was 16!’ she snaps. ‘I thought it was romantic to be your slave! When I left you, you chased me to all the way to fucking Reykjavik!’

Your fangs are out again and they are inches from her throat. She’s leaned away, maybe subconsciously, like she remembers this routine, or maybe tempting you, daring you. You rarely get mad at anyone. Roxy has always been able to push your buttons.

‘Bro,’ Dave says quietly.

You step back and close your eyes, breathing deeply. You don’t need to feed, you don’t need to bind her to your will, you don’t need to make a scene.

‘Fuck,’ you say. ‘Sorry, kid.’ You turn to face Dave. He has one hand in the air like he’s ready to drop his sword into it at a second’s notice. You glance over to Rose. She’s watching all this from the couch like it’s a vaguely interesting television show. You desperately want to strife or fuck or run or fly away, too much energy in your body, but you can’t. You find your self control and walk past Dave, clap him on the shoulder on the way and lean against the wall, as far away from Roxy as you can get while still in the room with her.

‘Would this be why you have always advised me against falling in love?’ Rose asks.

Roxy rolls her eyes and drinks.

‘Have you eaten?’ you ask Rose.

She shakes her head.

‘Wanna show off your cooking, bro?’ you ask Dave.

He sighs, as if he doesn’t, but he moves into the kitchen immediately and starts prepping. Roxy takes a seat next to Rose and gives you a look.

‘Don’t give me that look,’ you tell her. ‘We both wear shades and he’s half vamp himself, he can and does say no to me all the time.’

‘He doesn’t go to school,’ Roxy says.

‘He’s homeschooled.’ You don’t like teachers. You don’t like “adults” in general, but teachers are the worst.

‘He never has anyone over.’

You raise your eyebrow and gesture at the two of them.

‘He—’

‘Gonna stop you there,’ you say firmly. ‘He’s perfect. I know I’m a shit dad sometimes, but he’s perfect. ‘Sides, I’m not looking at mom of the year, am I?’

Roxy glares at you.

‘So, Rose,’ you say, smoothly changing the subject like you talk to people all the time. ‘You know what you want to be when you grow up?’

Dave snorts from the kitchen. What? You mouth at him. He just shakes his head.

‘Interesting and essential,’ Rose answers.

You look at Roxy. She smirks back. Yeah, her kid is pretty perfect, too.

Dave serves up some pasta thing in three bowls. Should you invest in a kitchen table? Dave always eats on the couch or at his desk, but seeing Rose and Roxy do the same looks strange. The couch only fits the three of them. You don’t mind standing while they sit, it isn’t like you’re going to get tired, but it doesn’t feel like how polite people do this.

‘Fancy a trip to Ikea, lil bro?’ you ask Dave.

He nods peaceably but keeps eating.

‘This is really good, Dave,’ Rose says.

His ear tips go a bit red as he nods again. You exchange a “d’awww” glance with Roxy and then realise how weird that is. How weird it is that you have your family around for dinner right now and how weird it is that you seem to have adjusted to it.

‘This is weird,’ you say, because if you’ve ever kept a thought to yourself, you’re not sure what it was.

Roxy snorts with laughter.

‘Not the weirdest dinner we’ve been to, though,’ she says.

Dave immediately gives her his attention. He loves pre-Dave stories, you’re really not sure why.

‘Are you talking about the time Jane came to town and you two got into an argument about my humanity? Or the time you made me go to that dinner with your professor when he clearly wanted to pick you up?’

‘Ugh, I’d repressed the memory of Professor Creepybutt until just then,’ Roxy says with an exaggerated shudder. ‘No, I meant when you had dinner with my family and told them I belonged to you.’

‘Dude,’ Dave said. ‘You didn’t ask her dad’s permission? You just said “this is mine now, thanks for raising her”?’

You snigger because he looks so offended.

‘Roxy’s foster family were a bad sort. But I didn’t know if she was exaggerating or not because she tended to do that …’

‘I reject that wholeheartedly,’ Roxy says with a sly smirk.

‘So she invited me round to dinner to see for myself. And then she moved in with me.’

‘Oh my gawd, Dirk, you cannot tell a story to save your fuckin’ life. So, here I am, been with this big, scary, buff vampire for a week and a half, and he’s all “no, Roxy, I can’t take you away from your family, you’re just a kid, you need them,” and I said to him, “you’re right, how about you come meet my family like you’re an honest gentleman, then.”’

Dave gives you a look because his 38 year old mother who he has just met speaks more like a teenager than any of his friends do and you smirk at him.

‘Which was the way to go, because Dirk’s old fashioned as fuck sometimes. Anyway, he comes over, he brings flowers for my foster-mother and tobacco of all things for my foster-father, still dressed in his ridiculous fucking anime shades to go with his ridiculous fucking suit—’

‘I didn’t want to jedi mind trick your family!’ you protest.

‘Yeah, and they’re the only glasses that fit your face,’ Roxy snorts sarcastically. ‘Mind you, the suit did look good. Anyway, halfway through dinner, after witnessing my creep of a “father” hit on my 12 year old foster-sister, trying to get Dirk to join in because it was oh so fucking funny, Dirk snaps, goes full vamp and tells them I’m going to live with him and if they dare to contact me ever again he’ll snap them in half.’ Roxy looks fondly at you for the first time all night.

‘Not my finest moment,’ you say, but you’re smiling too because it had felt pretty damn good to defend her and she was so grateful to be out of there.

‘I strongly disagree,’ Roxy says. She leans in to Dave conspiratorially. ‘He made my foster-fuckhead piss his pants. It was rad as fuck.’

Dave looks at Rose with wonder as if to check she heard the same story. Rose, for her part, appears to have forgotten to eat while Roxy was talking.

‘Yes, I imagine that dinner was indeed weirder than this one,’ Rose says, before going back to her pasta.

You and Roxy tell the kids some more stories. Roxy tells you about her hot-shot science work. You tell her about your smuppets. The two of you go up to the crawl space so you can show her how some are self lubricating and some vibrate and some look vaguely like celebrities. You listen to the kids as they debrief, not needing to repeat what they say to her because her hearing is still slightly supernatural.

‘Dude, our parents are getting along, did we accidentally parent trap them?’

‘Maybe,’ Rose replies. ‘Had you heard any of those stories?’

‘Nah, Bro was always a bit cagey about Mom stories. Or any stories, actually. He was alive for a bunch of my history shit and he’s always like “oh, I was chilling on an island, I wasn’t paying attention to US politics.”’

‘My mother doesn’t really do stories either … I’m fairly sure I’ve never heard her talk so much in a single session. Though I’m not sure if that is her failing or mine. Isn’t it strange that adults are people too?’

‘Ha, yeah.’

You drop down from the crawl space without warning and neither of the kids flinch. Roxy drops a second later, just as graceful on a bellyful of gin and heels as you are with all your supernatural help.

The kids go to Dave’s room and you and Roxy sit on the couch, just talking. You’re still kinda pissed about her hiding Rose from you, and Dave in the first place, but it’s hard to stay pissed at Roxy. For her part, she must still be pissed at you for taking Dave, but she’s a classy lady now, and she was always better than you at working through stuff.

‘How’s Jane,’ she asks after a while.

‘Dead,’ you say shortly. ‘Ten years now.’

‘Oh,’ she says. ‘Hey, honey, I’m sorry.’

‘Not even old age, some workplace accident.’

‘Did you go to the funeral?’

‘Never was one for funerals.’

‘We humans think they can provide closure.’

‘We vampires think the dead gal’s family would have some questions about who I was and why I was so young.’

Roxy grimaces. She holds your hand for a moment and you lean on her without thinking. You’ve missed her, even though you tried to tell yourself you were glad she wasn’t around. She was your best friend, all the other stuff aside.

You get her a glass of water because you’re a little alarmed by how little gin remains in the bottle and she laughs at you for still trying to take care of her.

‘I knew you’d still look the same, but it’s one thing to know it and another to see it …’ she says. ‘I got old.’

‘Psshh,’ you say. ‘You just grew into your class. You’re gorgeous.’

‘You better not be coming on to me, DiStri. I don’t make the same mistake twice.’

‘I’d rather just have a friend,’ you say honestly. ‘Even if said friend has the best ass in Texas.’

She hits you, but is appeased.

At midnight, you call the girls a cab and see them into it. You give Rose a fist bump and Roxy a kiss on the cheek. You meet the cabbie’s eyes over your shades and tell him to see them home safely. Dave gives an awkward wave. You race him back up the stairs and then fist bump him goodnight. He looks like he might want to say something, but he just says, ‘weird night’ and goes to brush his teeth.

It was weird. But it was made more weird because it kind of felt normal.

Chapter Text

Your instinct is to retreat to your crawl space for a month after Roxy’s visit, to recharge and have some no-human time. But, of course, Roxy doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. She once said you were allergic to socialising, but she never seemed to count herself as a social cost. Most of the time that was fine. But you have Dave now as well and Rose comes along and you just had a party recently and you’re feeling pretty grouchy when Roxy pops over after work for the second time in the week following her first visit. That’s three visits in less than a week. You usually see non-Dave people once a month, and you get to fuck them as a bonus.

So, you let Dave do all the talking, something he is uniquely suited to, the kid’s like a tap you can’t turn off once you get him going. You fiddle with your sound gear.

‘I hate to be indelicate,’ Rose says at some point. You’d tuned everything out, but when she speaks you can’t help but listen. ‘But I do have school tomorrow morning. By which I mean this morning.’ You check the microwave. Yeah, it’s nearly 1am. You look at Roxy. Oh, she’s asleep.

You sigh and shake her shoulder. The kids don’t seem to be willing to. She doesn’t move. You can see her chest rising and falling gently, but she’s not waking up. God, has she drunk that much?

‘Hey, Rose, I’m just gonna give her a little nibble to see if she needs help, okay?’

Rose nods dumbly.

You take Roxy’s wrist because her neck seems a bit too sexy and scratch her with both fangs. You only take a mouthful before you close the cuts with a sweep of your tongue.

‘Woah,’ you say.

‘What?’ Dave asks, and his mouth is all tight like he’s anxious as hell.

‘Ha, we used to call this a Bloody Mary. No, don’t worry, she’s fine. It just takes a lot to knock her out and I can taste it.’

You look down at Roxy for a moment, trying to make a decision.

‘Dave, how bout you make your bed up for Rose, you take the couch tonight. If I’m not back in the morning, here’s some cash for a cab to school. Do you have the books or whatever you need?’

‘Yes, but clothes …’

‘Well, being twins, mine’ll probably fit you,’ Dave offers. You don’t point out that they have vastly different body types. It’s pretty cute how he casually drops that into conversation.

‘I’m sure I can pull of skater chick for one day.’

‘Good. Okay. Um. Be good, children,’ you say, awkward as all hell. You sling Roxy over your shoulder. ‘I’m going to be so pissed if she barfs on me,’ you tell Dave.

He sniggers. You flip him off and leave, trying to look decisive.

You take Roxy to the hospital and stay with her while she gets settled in. They pump her stomach, and you’re a bit disappointed because it means she won’t feel the hangover. You try and skip out before sunrise but Roxy stirs and you’re trapped, you can’t leave her. She always had just as much a hold on you as you did on her, supernatural shit be damned.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Sun’s got me trapped. Roxy’s fine. We’ll be home tonight.

TG: wanna see rose playing at being me

TT: Hell yes.

TG:

turntechGodhead [TG] sent timaeusTestified [TT] file “girldavewhatwhattwins.jpg”

TT: She wears it better.

TG: shit i call favouritism

TG: fuck is this what its like having a sister

TG: im no longer the automatic favourite

TG: hello cps id like to report that my bro has burned me

TG: nah not literally he just pointed out my sister can pull of skater better than i can

TG: and she knows i buy girls jeans and is now making fun of me

TG: double burn

TT: You buy girl’s jeans?

TG: no

TT: Holy shit, where is your pride?

TT: Dude, is there too much crotch room in boy’s jeans?

TT: They aren’t tight enough?

TT: Is it so they match your handbag?

TT: You want to jump in here and defend yourself?

TG: i just

TG: like the way they fit my butt

TG: and they have more colours and stuff

TT: I have never seen you wear jeans that aren’t black.

TG: yeah but like

TG: shades of black

TG: grey

TG: whatever man

TT: I have literal homosexual sex on a frequent basis and yet I have never heard anything so gay.

TG: you said that last week when i said the indian you picked up was too spicy

TT: This is even gayer.

TG: ok im gonna ride to school with rose message you in a bit

TT: Shit, you’re a good kid.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

You dick around on your phone for a bit and talk to doctors, making sure they all agree with you that Roxy could use the rest of the day in the hospital to recover. It’d be awkward if they discharged her and they you had to hide out on your own waiting for the sun to set. She wakes up and you find somewhere else to be for an hour so you don’t have to talk to her. Eventually the hospital cafeteria is too much, too many people eating and talking and you skulk back to her room. She’s awake, but more tired looking than you’ve ever seen her.

‘Hey,’ she says. ‘It’s daytime.’

‘Yeah, well, I’ve stayed away from windows.’

‘Is Rosie okay?’

‘Yeah, Dave sorted her out.’

She lets her head fall back on to her pillows.

‘I’m a bad mom.’

‘No …’ you say.

‘I was so worried you were gonna figure it out and take her away. And then you didn’t. And I was disappointed.’ She’s crying. You suck at dealing with crying. You move your chair closer to her bed and grab her hand. ‘How fucked up is that?’ she asks.

‘Yeah, it’s pretty fucked,’ you say. ‘But also, I think, normal? Maybe not for every parent, but I think most parents have days where they wish they didn’t have to be responsible for, like, a whole nother person.’

She clutches your hand.

‘You know one Christmas she bought me a fucking vacuum cleaner?’

You snort.

‘Yeah, and worse, I thought to myself, “that passive aggressive bitch!” and had the thing bronzed on a pedestal.’

‘Oh my god, Roxy, no …’

‘Whenever she pissed me off or I’d had a bad day, whatever, I’d get drunk and just turn it on ...’

‘It still worked?’

‘Wouldn’t have been a very good gesture if I’d ruined the gift,’ she mutters.

‘Doesn’t she know she can’t beat Roxy Lalonde in a game of passive aggressive one upmanship?’

‘I’m simply the best there is,’ she sighs. ‘She comes close, though … It’s hard, Dirk. I work at the best private lab in the city and I put in crazy hours, and they know I’m the best … but then I go home and there’s my kid, and I’ve gotta, what? Cook dinner? Be a housewife as well? I draw the fuckin’ line at cleaning, I got a maid. And I’m not good enough for her.’

‘Rox, I don’t think Mother Teresa would be good enough for her. That is one cool kid.’

‘Love comes so easy to you,’ Roxy says.

You don’t know what to say to that.

Roxy falls asleep again and you occupy yourself texting Dave. He cooked Rose pancakes for breakfast and made sandwiches for her lunch while she was in the shower. You rap with him for a while about his competence, which is the best way you know to compliment him. He’d think you were being sarcastic if you said it outright.

At midday an orderly brings Roxy lunch and you lie and say you got something at the cafeteria earlier.

At 3pm a nurse comes in and wakes her up. She asks Roxy if she wants you to leave while they talk.

‘Nah, he’s my boyfriend,’ Roxy says, smiling and daring the nurse to take issue at the age difference. You’d done the same thing when doctors had tried to enforce visiting hours on you earlier.

‘Ms Lalonde,’ the nurse says. ‘Your blood alcohol level was very high.’

Roxy nods and looks down, embarrassed. You grab her hand again.

‘How many standard drinks would you say you consume a week?’

Roxy frowns to herself and doesn’t answer. You’re trying to calculate it based on the nights you’ve seen her. Does she drink like that every night? The Roxy you knew would have, but this Roxy has a full time job, a kid.

‘Ms Lalonde, I have to ask you these questions. If you have a problem with substance abuse, possibly to the extent of addiction, we have services available.’

‘I can stop,’ she mutters.

‘Can you?’ the nurse asks and you glare at her. Is this what support looks like?

‘I stopped for Rosie,’ she says. ‘Didn’t drink even a little when I was pregnant.’

‘How old is Rosie now?’

Roxy looks down at her hands, clenching her blanket into fists.

‘Why didn’t you just let me sleep it off?’ she says, glaring at you.

‘Rox …’ you say. ‘I didn’t bring you in to …’

‘Humiliate me?’

‘Rox, it’s just me. Just me and this judgemental broad. No humiliation.’

The nurse doesn’t seem offended by your statement. Maybe you’re playing good cop bad nurse. Roxy just stares at the ceiling.

‘What services?’ you ask, because Roxy is too busy wishing this wasn’t happening to ask herself.

‘Counselling, group therapy … rehab.’

‘What do you think?’ you ask Roxy.

‘Rose …’ she says.

‘Well I was thinking we could just toss her out on the streets, but if that doesn’t suit, maybe I’ll take care of her,’ you say.

‘Or grandparents,’ the nurse suggests, in the tone of one helpfully offering options that aren’t “give your boy toy custody of your kid”.
‘Doesn’t have any. It’s cool, my brother’s her age, I look after him.’

Roxy’s eyes are closed and she’s crying silently. You’ve only seen Roxy cry a handful of times.

‘Perhaps you could come back later once she’s had a bit to think about it,’ you say, not taking your eyes off Roxy, rubbing her hand.

‘My shift is nearly over, we have to check this off before we let her go,’ the nurse says.

It takes a great deal of effort not to force the nurse to come back in an hour, shift be damned. You probably would do it too, if it wasn’t for your kid back home being a gentleman and a half in this situation. You will not be out gentlemanned today.

‘People just sign up for rehab after a five minute conversation?’ you ask.

‘Well, they make an appointment to see the facilities at least.’

‘That sounds good. Rox, doesn’t that sound good? You can look around, make the decision later?’

Roxy nods without opening her eyes. The nurse gives you some brochures and makes a few notes before leaving.

‘You didn’t kill the nurse,’ Roxy says.

‘Nah,’ you say. ‘Want me to? Bet I can catch her.’

She smiles through her tears and you would probably do it if she asked. You love her too much. Your stupid, clever girl.

‘You won’t be able to come with me, to look at the rehab place.’

‘... No.’

‘’S’okay. I’m a strong independent woman, you know. Have a career, raised a kid. All without a man. I can kick my stupid addiction alone, too.’

You rest your head on her belly and she strokes your hair.

‘You’ll really take Rose?’ she asks after a while.

‘For as long as you need. But no longer than that.’

‘Missed you,’ she says.

‘Missed you, too.’

Chapter Text

Winter is the best. You can actually do shopping because places stay open past sunset. You, Rose and Dave are in Ikea, eyeing a bunk bed.

‘It’s ironic, right?’ Dave asks.

‘It is …’ you say. ‘Especially if we get you guys some kiddy sheets ...’

‘But is it worth the irony?’ Rose says.

You all contemplate that for a moment.

‘Maybe I should just buy a new place,’ you say.

‘That can’t be your solution to everything,’ Rose says.

‘It’s not. It’s my solution to this very rare and new situation, where I suddenly have two kids who are probably too old to be sharing a room, let alone a bunk bed, and chucking one bed in the lounge doesn’t seem to be a better solution to me, so maybe I buy a place that has two bedrooms. Better yet, three.’

‘You don’t need a bedroom,’ Dave scoffs.

‘You wouldn’t have to see me sewing smuppets anymore,’ you point out.

‘Yeah, three bedrooms, that makes sense,’ Dave says.

You keep staring at the bunk bed.

‘But how long am I even going to be staying with you?’ Rose asks. ‘I’ve shared a bunk bed with girls on camp for three weeks, if it’s not going to be that long, the bunk bed makes more sense than going to the trouble of finding a whole new living space.’

‘Man I’m glad I don’t go to school sometimes,’ Dave says.

‘Mmm,’ you agree. ‘I think it could be longer than that. I don’t know how long this stuff usually takes, but your mom’s a tough nut to crack. She’s gonna make those shrinks work for their god damn money, I can tell you that now.’

Rose looks strangely proud for a moment.

‘Well, in any case, you can’t just buy a house tomorrow,’ Rose points out. ‘There’ll be paperwork and such. And Dave can’t keep sleeping on the couch.’

You are all in silent contemplation of the bunk bed again.

‘God damn, how am I going to get a realtor to agree to show me stuff at night?’ you wonder. ‘

‘Say you work 9-5 and won't be available until 6:30,’ Rose says.

‘Or I could dress Dave up as me …’

Rose looks at the two of you appraisingly. Dave stands up a little taller.

‘What if we swap shades?’ you ask.

Dave dutifully hands his over and you trade him. You both look to Rose.

‘It’s like you somehow switched places without moving,’ she deadpans.

‘Your shades need a clean,’ you tell Dave as you hand them back.

‘Your shades need an update. How long have you even had them?’

‘I haven’t told you the story of how I got my shades? I have failed you.’ You nearly launch into a stupid story like you do about your sword every few months, usually while sitting on his chest so he listens to you, but Ikea doesn’t seem the place. ‘I’ll tell you at home, you gotta be sitting down.’

Rose grabs both you and Dave by the wrists and drags you through the store until she reaches the kitchen section. She sits at the table.

‘But Father, we are home,’ she says.

Dave takes a seat next to her and puts his feet up on the chair opposite him.

‘Feet off the furniture, young man,’ you tell him. ‘And sit up straight, I got a story to tell you.

‘Long ago, before my vampire daddy gave me immortality and cool powers, when I was just a couple years older than you, all my sweet moves my own, not supernaturally gifted, I set out on a mission to find that one accessory that would complete me. It was a journey that you will one day take for yourselves, for until you do, you will be incomplete. What is a man without his shades? Just some guy, that's who. I walked for many days and nights until I found an ancient Otaku Master, isolated because no one understood the animes like he did. He forged the Shades of Ultimate Cool over the heat of a roaring manga fire. They were cooled in an enchanted spring where virgin horses nickered and bathed, and he told me that they could only be retrieved by one whose dope rhymes were deemed sweet enough, and whose hair existed in a perpetually sculpted state of looking completely fucking awesome. If anyone with a coolness level of under 9000 attempted to wear them, their god damn face would melt off.’

The kids stare at you for a long moment.

‘I wore them before,’ Dave points out.

‘I guess I trained you well. It was a gamble, but hell, if my progeny hasn’t reached level 9000 coolness after 16 years of sweet, sweet mentorship, his face deserves to melt off. And then my face would melt off when I took the shades back, because that failure would be catastrophic for my echeladder.’

‘May I?’ Rose asks.

‘Sorry kid, your mom would kill me if I allowed your face to be melted off just so you could prove a point.’

An announcement notifies you that you best be finalising your purchases or risk being trapped in Ikea forever.

‘So, bunk beds?’ you ask.

‘We could stay at my house,’ Rose points out. ‘There are four bedrooms and enough wizards to fill a Scottish school to the brim.’

You and Dave exchange dubious looks before you shake your head. Rose rolls her eyes and then says, ‘Actually, could you shed some light on that? Is Mother’s interest in wizards sincere or is she mocking me?’

‘She used to like them,’ you say. ‘But with Roxy it’s usually both.’ You lead the kids through the store to the bit where you pick up the flatpack stuff and find the bunk bed. ‘I’m gonna get it,’ you say. ‘If for no other reason than for the look on John’s face.’

You get a few odd looks carrying the long package back to the apartment, but you’re more focused on the way that Dave and Rose have the strangest sibling banter going you’ve ever heard.

They bicker like you’d expect kids that grew up together would, but in their own languages. So Dave raps at Rose and she has to interrupt him to get a word in edgeways and when she does, she proceeds to speak like an 80 year old literary critic. It’s kind of beautiful and also kind of really annoying. You’ve gotten used to the way that Dave is constantly talking, as if he can’t do anything without narrating it, but now there’s two of them. Maybe you need to insulate your crawl space.

When you get home you get Dave to assemble the bed while you go for a quick fly around the neighbourhood, just to get away from the suddenly too full apartment. The exertion feels good, the freedom of movement after keeping yourself checked feels good. You go home just before sunrise and feel more like yourself. Dave’s sleeping on the couch again, which puzzles you for a moment until you check in the bedroom and see that the bunk bed didn’t come with mattresses, obviously.

You get on your laptop and order a couple online, as well as more bedding. You choose My Little Pony sheets for both of them. It will remind them that the power of friendship can help solve any problem. And that you are in control of their bedding.

You browse house listings for a while, sitting cross legged on the floor because Dave’s on your couch until a shrill beeping goes off. Your laptop goes flying as you leap to your feet, katana in hand. Dave wakes with considerably less urgency and fumbles with his iPhone until the beeping stops.

‘What the fuck,’ you say.

‘Snalarm,’ Dave mumbles. ‘S’Friday. School.’

‘My ninja kid,’ you muse. ‘Have I dropped the ball on waking you up in the middle of the night?’

‘Mmgod, no, Bro, don’ do that.’

‘When was the last time I did that?’ It was the last time he had a nightmare, all screaming in his sleep. You pretended they were midnight drills or something. You’re glad that seems to have stopped.

‘Ngh, Bro, be helpful , wake Rose.’

‘I can do that?’

You walk towards Dave’s room and ignore his shout after you, ‘not with your sword!’ As if you’d wake a kid up with a sword. You strife just as well with puppetkind.

Rose takes to Cal’s legs tangling around her with just as much dignity as Dave usually does, which is to say with zero fucking dignity.

‘Wha—’ she stammers and sits upright. You flash around, tangling Cal more effectively. Huh, needlekind specibus, you haven’t seen that before. You keep Cal safely away from the pointy ends until she stops struggling and seems to accept her lapful of puppet.

With your speed, you can appear to be standing casually against the door while also adjusting Cal into his most flattering and creepy angle.

‘Good morning, Bro,’ Rose says, with admirable composure. ‘And good morning, Cal.’

‘Pancakes for breakfast?’ you ask.

‘I hear you make perfectly symmetrical pancakes,’ Rose says.

‘I pride myself on it.’

‘May I shower first?’

‘Enjoy your ablutions, lil sis,’ you tell her, and then you take Cal with you to make sure Dave hasn’t fallen back asleep.

You hang about the apartment with Dave after Rose heads off. She’s found a bus route so she doesn’t have to take a taxi to school. As far as her friends know, nothing has changed for her. She’s brought all manner of clothes and things from her house, and since that first day that she went dressed as Dave, her Rose look has been uninterrupted. She was able to dismiss the Dave look as irony to her schoolfellows, a feat of which you are proud.

Dave goes to the skatepark in the afternoon, to hang out with his friends. You catch up on your sewing. You’re startled back into awareness by the sound of keys jangling against the door again. Dave’s signal that he’s not alone.

You pack up your stuff with incredible speed. Dave walking in on you sewing phalluses is one thing, you won’t inflict that on his friends. You end up in the kitchen when the door opens. Dave walks in first, then Rose, then three other kids. Three. Shit.

One is John, he practically doesn’t count. One is Karkat, hell yes, how much can you get away with here. The other is one of the girls from Dave’s party. There were, like, 15 kids there, you can’t remember all of them.

‘Sup, Bro,’ Dave says and he gives you a fist bump on his way to the fridge.

‘I feel like everytime I open my eyes I gain another kid, this shit is insane.’

‘Strider seed doesn’t fuck around,’ Dave says.

You give him a look to convey your discomfort with so many kids in your house and he gives you a casual shrug. Deal with it , the shrug says. You’re gonna drown this kid in puppet dong later, a fitting punishment, you think.

‘Check it, John, got you a bed,’ you say pointing in the direction of Dave’s room.

John practically skips to Dave’s room.

‘Sweet!’ he calls.

‘Have I disappointed you so soon?’ Rose says.

You shrug. Has she told these kids she’s staying with you? What are the rules here? Before Dave’s party you made ironic flashcards on what you were and weren’t allowed to discuss. Sure, you know you are allowed to talk about your hobby of destroying video games and you know you aren’t allowed to talk about the majesty that is a horse’s erect penis, but there’s a fuckload of wriggle room in the middle there.

‘You kids want snacks?’ you ask. ‘I got doritos, that’s what kids eat, right?’ To Dave, ‘Dude, I gotta get another couch or something if you’re gonna keep bringing humans back to my lair.’

‘I’m gonna grab some of those chairs from the roof,’ Dave says.

‘You kids can chill up there, I was just gonna …’

‘Nah, John is literally here for you, it’s like he doesn’t even like me anymore.’

‘So why doesn’t Bro come up to the roof with us?’ Karkat asks.

‘Got porphyria of the skin, little dude. Hella sensitive to sunlight.’ That and the vampirism. Sometimes saying that deadpan enough lets you off the hook. You're not gonna risk it with Grumpy McGee though.

The girl and John go to get chairs with Dave, leaving you with Rose and Karkat. You step back further into the kitchen as subtly as you can, what vampire, there’s no vampire here, you can’t be in sunlight for human reasons.

‘So, you guys all hang out at the skatepark?’ you ask.

‘Kanaya’s mother was a pro skater,’ Rose says.

‘Kanaya is …’ you point upwards.

Rose nods.

‘She’s my girlfriend.’

‘Oh. Hey. That’s a. Thing I don’t know how to deal with.’

‘Dave said you were cool with that stuff?’ Rose says and you hate that you made her look uncertain.

‘Oh, yeah, I mean, I like dudes, it’s like, is gay even really a thing anymore? I’m not uncool with it, just more that I don’t uh …’ You are the best at speaking.

Karkat is looking pretty angry. You should probably get a lot better at speaking real quick.

‘What’s your story here, kid, who am I to you to these guys?’ you ask.

‘Oh, Karkat, you remember Dave’s bro who is actually his dad and it turns out that he is also my dad and is looking after me while my mother attempts to quell the demon that is alcohol addiction?’

You exhale in relief. Guidelines are now clear.

‘Right, well, that’s just what I mean, it’s like, one day I have one kid who I know pretty well, I think, and then the next I have two and the new one’s an enigma and I love you, don’t get me wrong, you’re cool as shit, but I’ve never had a daughter before, don’t know what to expect, like should I be challenging your girl there to a duel or like what is the parent thing to do? I don’t know, I’m just your bro, but also what would Roxy do? Probably have a drink, man, I miss drinking, what’s my play here?’

Rose looks at you with some amusement.

Karkat still looks pretty angry. That might just be his face. You decide to change the subject.

‘So, want some apple juice? I hear that it’s basically the only thing worth drinking.’

‘Damn straight,’ Dave says coming back inside holding two chairs. ‘Nectar of the fuckin’ gods.’

He puts the chairs down and then goes back to the door window to help Kanaya with her chairs.

‘So, you embarrass yourself yet?’ Dave asks.

You don’t know whether you’re allowed to flashstep or not. You really want to pretend like Cal’s the one in the kitchen talking to people. Though you tend to be really fucking mean when you talk through him, so maybe it’s better if you don’t. Still, would be nice to hold his little hand through this.

‘I’ll take that awkward silence as a yes,’ Dave says. John is now bringing his chairs in, not even struggling a bit with their weight.

‘Bro was just providing a fascinating comparison for your own tendency to ramble when unsure.’

‘Bro’s never unsure,’ Dave says with confidence. ‘He was probably being ironic.’

You fucking love your kid.

‘You have no fucking concept of what irony means!’ Karkat says.

‘Dude, he made me write essays on irony for my English grade. I am well versed in irony.’

‘You’re the reason he’s like this?’ Karkat demands, turning on you.

‘I would love to take credit for Dave, but despite my efforts to raise him to be an almost identical copy of myself, he’s his own person.’ You wipe away a pretend tear while speaking with zero inflection. ‘He has different shades and everything.’

‘Bro,’ Dave says, face blank as ever.

‘Bro,’ you reply.

He comes over to the kitchen and you have a manly bro hug, complete with hitting each other on the back as hard as you can. Well, as hard as he can. You reign yourself in a bit. That done, Dave closes the curtains firmly and you all sit awkwardly in a circle.

‘Dude, I really should be catching up on my sewing,’ you say to Dave. ‘Can I do that while we convene at this imaginary round table?’

‘Nope,’ Dave says.

You sigh. You feel like you should be the one making the rules sometimes. You suppose you understand, but you really would have felt more comfortable with something to do with your hands.

‘You sew?’ Kanaya asks.

‘Yeah. Pretty badass, right?’

‘I have always believed so,’ she says. She speaks carefully, like maybe English isn’t her first language, but without accent.

‘What do you sew?’ you ask, and you’re so impressed with yourself, having a pleasant conversation with a new person.

‘Clothes,’ she says. ‘I make most of my own clothes and several pieces for friends as well. I am consistently disappointed by their ambivalence towards fashion, but they seem to appreciate the gesture, nonetheless. What do you sew?’

‘Yeah, Kanaya made me that sweet pirate costume I wore for Halloween,’ Dave says before you can reply.

‘She has made me a rather beautiful dress, too, I haven’t had the occasion to wear it yet,’ Rose says. ‘I made her a pair of mittens in return.’

‘So those needles aren’t just for show,’ you say.

She gives you an sly smile. You gotta strife with her some time.

‘I don’t get it,’ John says. ‘Is Bro not allowed to talk about sewing?’

‘ Dude ,’ Dave says. ‘You’ve seen his puppets.’

‘Oh …’ John says.

‘Dave finds my puppets creepy, but folks pay good money to see my show,’ you say. You go and grab Cal from the shower where you put him so he would startle Dave during his post-skate wash and bring him back, sitting him on your lap with care.

‘Is that … a ventriloquist doll?’ Kanaya asks.

‘Yup.’

‘I thought your whole fucking thing was that you can’t achieve the same level of rad as your brother and every sweet trick you did got you one step closer,’ Karkat says with the air of quoting something distasteful. ‘How is a puppet master your senpai?’

You look to Dave to see how he’ll rebut this. Just a few years ago he stoically maintained that Lil Cal was cool even when it was obvious he was freaked the fuck out by him. Now, he’s open about his distrust of your innocent puppet. You think maybe having Cal feed Dave most of his food when he was too little to hold a spoon has probably scarred him for life. You thought it was funny at the time.

‘Look, I’m not saying that puppet isn’t possessed by the devil, or that it should be allowed in the house, but Bro’s routine is categorically good. Not up for discussion.’

You flashstep so that Cal is now sitting on Dave’s shoulder and are back in your seat so fast that your image doesn’t even waver. Dave bears this well, reaching up to fistbump Cal, whose fist you also obligingly lift, seemingly without moving. John and Rose look appropriately impressed, but Kanaya looks shocked and Karkat drops two sickles from his sylladex.

‘You got a problem with my boy?’ you ask.

‘What the fucking fuck?’ Karkat says.

‘Possessed by the devil, you say, Dave?’ Kanaya says.

‘Bro uses flashsteps to puppet him and make it look like he’s rapping. You’ve seen me flashstep before. It’s hard and it’s rare but it’s not worth getting your sickle in a twist.’

Ha, like panties. Sickles are totally the panties of blade varieties.

Karkat recaptchalogues his sickles.

‘You’re not that fast,’ he says.

‘He’s not me,’ you say, and whoops, you may have done that a bit aggressively. You'd try and smile reassuringly, but Dave has told you before you don't have a reassuring smile at all.

There’s a tense moment.

‘Welp, this is as much social interaction as I’m comfortable with,’ you say, easing slowly out of your chair, telegraphing your movements so you don't freak out the humans any more. ‘I’m gonna go make your computer unusable.’

Dave sighs and nods.

Whoop. Permission to be a loner again.

Chapter Text

You end up baking Dave cookies after he brings home friends and you acted like a butt because you feel guilty and because you weren’t sure that making him a shitty wallpaper in Paint rather than wrecking his computer like you said you would covered it. He shares them with Rose because he’s a good kid. Probably didn’t even cross his mind to hoard them to himself.

You hear him explaining to Rose that you’re not good with change, that you feel the need to obsess over all the details of a situation before you’re cool with it and that maybe they should be taking slightly smaller steps with socialising you. Like you’re a grumpy rescue dog or something. You gather that after she told her friends she was staying with you they felt the need to check up on her. You’re not sure if you gave a bad impression at Dave’s party or if Dave has just made one too many not-quite-ironic comments about you. Maybe Rose just inspires the kind of caring that makes people want to make sure she’s okay.

Dave mustn’t be good at convincing Rose, because two days later he warns you he’s bringing John and Jade home with them after school. Your new couch arrives just before they do. You tip the delivery guys for dragging it up all the stairs and give them both a glass of water. They’re still there when the kids burst in.

‘Hi Bro!’ John calls. ‘Woah, you really did get another couch!’

You don’t really know if you’re supposed to introduce the delivery guys so you just stand there silently.

Dave leads the kids to his room to show off some music and perhaps give you space to get rid of the guys.

‘They all yours?’ the chatty delivery guy asks.

‘Nah, the blonde ones are my brother and sister, but all their friends call me Bro too.’

‘Ah,’ the other one says. When you look, he blushes. ‘Sorry, you just did look a bit young for it.’

‘Thanks,’ you say dryly.

‘We better be getting out of your hair,’ Chatty says. ‘Cheers for the water.’

‘Yeah, no problem. Thanks for coming all the way up,’ you say.

As soon as they’re out the door, Dave flashsteps out.

‘Dude, I told you we were gonna have company,’ he says

‘Dude, they were just delivering the couch,’ you say, mimicking his tone.

‘Oh.’

‘What, did you think I’d just had a gay threesome?’ you ask, cocking your head to the side.

‘I don’t know …’ The shades help, but he looks embarrassed as hell. Your job to make that worse.

‘I think I can do better than delivery guys,’ you say.

‘I don’t want to think about it,’ Dave says.

‘Not that I couldn’t convince them to stay if I had a mind to.’

‘ Bro .’

‘Of course pornos have been started on less …’

‘Can we not?’

‘My pornos, especially, have had some very dubious storylines.’

Dave starts to walk away. You don’t change your volume at all. He can still hear you.

‘There was one, I can’t remember the name, man, that’s frustrating, but there was one where I was getting changed and my “straight” roommate was so impressed by my naked form that he dropped to his knees.’

Dave groans.

‘That was it, there was no examining why he was so sure he was straight when clearly he was not, there was no speculation towards what our share house would look like after he sucked the platonic out of our friendship, there was just a sexy, sexy dude, converting all the straights with his magic cock.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Rose asks from the doorway.

‘Sports,’ Dave says.

‘Porn,’ you say.

Dave glares at you.

‘Dave thought those dudes were gentleman callers of mine,’ you say. ‘I was just reassuring him that they were only here delivering the couch.’

‘Ah,’ Rose says with a smirk. ‘Shall we arrange the couch into a more logical position?’

You gesture to welcome her to it. John immediately lends his services. Rose directs the boys until the two couches make an L shape towards the TV.

Dave starts up the fighting game, but you’ve messed around with it since John came over so now the attack button switches to a different button every time you use it. Dave gets the hang of it pretty quickly, Rose is frustrated as hell, but the biggest surprise is that Jade consistently wins. You think she’s just mashing all the buttons at random at first, but she just seems to be uncannily good at guessing random sequences.

‘I’m usually quite good at games,’ Rose says mildly. You think that’s her version of throwing the controller.

You swap to a racing game where if you attempt to drift you just float away forever through the side of the game.

‘You lot staying for tea?’ you ask them.

‘Uh, if that’s okay?’ John says, not taking his eyes off the game.

‘Pasta okay?’

Four nods. Cool. You can do pasta. You just do what it says on the jar.

As you cook, you call the rehab facility to check in on Roxy. You’ve been putting it off for a while, not because the centre told you to, just because you feel awkward about it.

‘Hey Rox,’ you say.

Rose suddenly is at the fridge getting a soft drink. You raise your eyebrow at her and she shrugs and leans against the fridge.

‘Hey Dirkie,’ she says. ‘I’m not fixed yet.’

‘Whatever,’ you say. ‘I’m not calling for you, I’m calling for me.’

‘Oh yeah? Gimme some drama, will ya?’

‘Dave thought I was screwing the guys who dropped off my new couch.’

‘Were you?’

‘Nah, I knew he was coming home, didn’t want to chance it.’ You smirk for Rose’s benefit. ‘You making friends?’

‘Ah … turns out they may have had a point on the addiction thing. I’ve been keeping to my room to ride it out.’

‘Shit, babe.’

‘Yeah, well …’

‘Did you want to talk to Rose?’

She hesitates. You kinda wish Rose had kept to the other room so she wouldn’t have had to hear her mom hesitate.

‘Yeah, god, I miss her like crazy, isn’t that pathetic.’

‘Super pathetic,’ you agree. You hand over the phone.

‘Mom?’ Rose says. You go back to your cooking to give her the illusion of privacy.

‘Hey honey,’ you hear Roxy say.

‘How are you?’ Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Rose is holding the phone with both hands, like it’s a landline to her mom. Shit, should you have called earlier for Rose's sake?

‘I’m okay, Rosie. It’s boring as shit here, let’s not talk about it. How’s school?’

‘Fine. Only a week left, so everyone’s kinda given up, just talking about Christmas all the time.’

‘How’s your girl?’

‘She’s good. I brought her home to Bro.’

‘How’d that go?’

‘He talked all nice with her about sewing.’

Roxy gives a dry laugh.

‘He show off his puppets?’

‘Just Cal.’

‘Man, Lil Cal … Give the guy a fistbump for me.’

‘I will.’

They’re quiet for a while.

‘Rosie, I gotta go, but you get Dirk to call me again soon, won’t you. I’ll have more to say once I get settled.’

‘Okay.’

‘I love you.’

Rose looks at you awkwardly, before saying, ‘love you, too.’

‘Pop me back onto your dad real quick, okay?’

Rose hands over the phone and retreats back to the lounge.

‘Sup, Rox?’

‘I didn’t get her a Christmas present before I got checked in, can you deal with that?’

‘Any hints?’

‘Books are always good. I always get her a wizard of some kind. Voucher for the mall?’

‘I’ll figure something out.’ You hesitate, mindful of your sneaky kids eavesdropping. ‘Dave?’

‘Oh my god, I didn’t even think. Worst mom ever. Would you mind?’

‘I got you. Uh … I don’t know how to put your spin on it, though.’

‘Sure you do, you know me better than anyone.’

‘Maybe 20 years ago …’

‘Believe me, sweet cheeks, your only competition in that regard is Rose.’

You’re not sure whether that makes you happy or sad. You sign off and finish making the pasta. The kids are all happy to eat on the couches, which is good because that’s the only way they’re eating. You disappear up into your crawl space so you don’t have to pretend to eat. You’d only do that if someone was getting all suspicious. You hate how long human food stays in your stomach while it slowly gets absorbed into your bloodstream. You wait half an hour before going downstairs.

‘Bro!’ Jade says as soon as she sees you. ‘Dave says you make robots too!’

‘Yeah. Wait, too?’

‘I won our science competition this year with a little robotic rabbit!’

You look over to the other kids but they’re all busy playing a racing game. When the game isn’t fucked, Rose always wins. Dave only really plays when you ask him to.

‘You got it on you?’

She pulls a rabbit out of her sylladex.

‘Oh my god, it’s an android? Like, only part robotics?’

‘Yeah, it was pretty tricky to get the wiring right without ruining the structural integrity of the toy.’

‘I bet …’ You take the rabbit to your robotics workbench and open up the panel on his chest. You peer through your magnifier and admire the delicate circuitry. ‘Shit, kid, this is impressive,’ you say.

‘What do you make?’

You hesitate. You flashstep over to the couch and stick your head on the Rose side of Dave.

‘Jade wants to know about my robotics.’

‘She’s not a prude, just tell her.’

‘I need a new list of rules.’

‘Make Rose do it.’

You flashstep back to Jade.

‘I make sex toys,’ you tell her.

‘Oh,’ she says.

‘I also have made one robot who raps, but he’s childishly easy to beat. I’ve never lost a battle to him and Dave’s been able to win since he was eight.’

‘Can I see him?’

You drop Squarewave out of your sylladex and resign yourself to a barrage of enthusiastic but outdated slang. He doesn’t disappoint.

Jade wins and Squarewave settles down enough to let her open him up and take a look at him.

You end up talking tech with Jade for over an hour until the other kids come over to check up on you. You look up from your pile of smuppets to meet Rose’s look of sarcastic judgement.

‘Having fun?’ Rose asks.

‘John!’ Jade says. ‘Bro has the neatest metalwork I’ve ever seen, see how flexible this is!’ She holds out the inside of a puppet nose-dong for John’s examination. He holds his hands up in protest.

‘Nooooo …’ he says.

‘Oh, no one’s used it,’ she says. ‘It is the cleverest thing, it’s so intuitive!’

Dave gives you a bemused look.

‘It’s a school night,’ Rose reminds Jade.

‘Your butt’s a school night,’ Jade replies.

You snigger because you were just talking advanced robotics with this kid and now she’s poking her tongue out like she’s five.

‘Can I take this home?’ she asks.

Dave flashsteps away and puts on his headphones, like he can retroactively not hear that.

‘Yeah, sure, take these two as well. Captchalogue ‘em now so Dave doesn’t have an aneurism seeing you carrying them out. And don’t get me in trouble with your parents.’

You dole out generous fistbumps to both John and Jade and then they’re gone.

‘You gave her smuppets,’ Dave says.

You look at him blankly, neither confirming nor denying.

‘Dave doesn’t think I can beat you,’ Rose says gesturing to the TV.

You grab a controller and start playing.

‘I hope you don’t mind the increase in visitors,’ she says.

‘I’m chill,’ you say.

‘So I’ve heard. But do you mind?’

‘Brat.’ You knock her character out with a combo move. ‘I’m fine. I mean, you could ease me into it. But tonight was good.’

‘Yes, John and Jade are rather entry level friends. Very easy to impress. Not a lot of pressure.’

‘I suppose.’

‘Whereas if I was to, say, bring my girlfriend around, whose character, I have been told, is alarmingly close to my own, would that be a problem?’

‘Dude, I already met Kanaya, she’s chill.’ You look over at Dave while the next round loads. ‘But I’m not allowed to show her my smuppets, right?’

Dave shakes his head. Rose starts dealing damage to your character while your focus is elsewhere.

‘And … her family doesn’t do Christmas, they’re Hindus, but she’s curious to see what it involves. Would it be okay if I invited her here?’

‘Uh … dropping a lot on me, kid.’ Rose kills your character. ‘Fuck.’ She smirks. ‘Dude, what do humans do for Christmas?’

‘You don’t do Christmas?’ Rose asks.

‘No, we do!’ Dave says. ‘He got me a motherfucking robot pony last year.’

‘How have you shown me literally every other possession you have but not the robot pony?’

‘And you make me food all day, that’s pretty normal, right?’ Dave says, ignoring Rose.

‘Most cooks don’t make a game out of trying to get their kid to throw up from eating too much …’ you say.

‘Bullshit, I haven’t thrown up in years.’

‘Yeah, it’s become a weird fascination for me to see just how much your freakish teenage body is able to eat.’

‘Anyway,’ Rose says, interrupting whatever Dave’s retort would have been. ‘It doesn’t have to be perfect, I just thought it might be nice.’

‘Rose, you know what you would say to me if I was acting like you are?’ Dave says.

‘My, what a capable young man you’ve become,’ Rose says.

Dave ignores her entirely.

‘You’d say I was trying to distract myself from my distressing home circumstances by rushing into a holiday with my girlfriend. You’d say I wasn’t nearly as social before and you just wonder if my coping mechanisms are entirely healthy.’

‘Dude,’ you say. That was pretty heavy and pointy.

Rose turns the TV off and places her controller in its spot.

‘I am doing that,’ she says, eventually, looking Dave steadily in the eye. ‘Do you have a problem with me choosing to worry about the relationship that I have some modicum of control over?’

‘No, I just wanted to point out …’

‘Yes, well, distraction might be a temporary fix, but I don’t see how I am supposed to deal with this head on. No psychological breakthrough is going to change the circumstances.’

‘Not Mom’s circumstances, but maybe yours,’ Dave says.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean that if you adjust to what’s happening, maybe you’ll be happier here and you won’t feel the need to fill our antisocial vampire dad’s house full of people.’

‘Kanaya can come to Christmas,’ you blurt out.

Dave and Rose look at you.

‘I was going to see if we could do Christmas dinner with your mom, see if that’s a thing I can wangle with the rehab dudes, but Christmas lunch, yeah, fuck it, bring Kanaya.’

‘Bro, you don’t have to prove your social competence,’ Dave says.

‘Stop saying shit like “social competence”,’ you tell him. ‘If having people over is making this easier for you, have people over. But not tomorrow night. We’re looking at a new apartment tomorrow night, I don’t need to worry about accidentally losing someone else’s kid.’

Nice distract, Bro. Shit, when did your kid get into the psycho babble bullshit that Rose pulls out?

Rose immediately starts asking questions about the apartment, so you get out your laptop to show her. Dave looks over your shoulder, like he’s only vaguely curious. You’ve had this place since the 70s, Dave’s never known anywhere else. Holy fuck have real estate prices gone up since then.

Chapter Text

The realtor is a very smiley man in a nice suit. You like his chances, if only because you were super specific with what you want: three bedrooms, top floor, exclusive access to a roof, good insulation so the downstairs neighbours won’t complain about sound.

Within 10 seconds you determine that the place he’s showing you meets all these criteria and you don’t care anymore. You let the kids explore and debate over which bedroom they want and wonder where things would go.

You make small talk with the realtor like a fucking pro for 10 minutes until they’ve had enough of arranging imaginary furniture.

‘So?’ you ask.

‘I think I should get the biggest bedroom,’ Dave says. ‘On account of Rose probably not staying here as long as me.’

‘I like it,’ Rose says, ignoring Dave completely. ‘Would we be allowed to paint our rooms?’

‘Yeah, but that’s true of any place, not this apartment specifically.’

‘The kitchen is very good for its price,’ the realtor says, trying to draw you back into conversation.

‘What do you think, Dave?’ you ask. ‘He’s the best cook,’ you tell the realtor.

‘Yeah, better than the one we have,’ he says, like he doesn’t care.

‘Can we see the roof?’ you ask.

The realtor leads the way. You all admire the view for a moment before you pace out a measurement.

‘Bigger than our roof. More room to move.’

‘Move?’ the realtor asks.

‘I set my gym up on our roof,’ you say.

Rose and Dave nod their approval.

‘Okay, how do I buy this thing,’ you ask.

The realtor gets you to fill out a few forms, making an offer and some bank stuff and then gives you a bunch of papers on co-op boards and building inspectors and insurance. The kids wander back to their chosen rooms to plan it all out.

‘Right, so when can I get in here?’ you ask the realtor.

He looks at you like he’s not sure if you’re serious. You probably should have read the paperwork you just signed more carefully.

‘Well, they have to accept your offer first, which I’m sure they will, and then there’s typically a 60 day settlement.’

‘Any way you can speed that up?’

‘I’ll mention to the owners that you want to settle quickly.’

‘Super quick,’ you say.

‘Well, as you can see, they’ve already vacated, so they’ll probably be fine with that …’

You’re pretty glad to get out of there. You liked the apartment fine, but realtors are exactly the kind of adult you generally like to avoid. Really, anyone that might ask questions as to how old you are and how you got your money and why your father and grandfather had the same name as you and wow you can sure see the resemblance!

You take the kids to a little cafe around the corner for dessert for dinner. When you see the waitress, you’re surprised that you recognise her.

‘Hey, Ellie,’ you say, awkwardly taking off your shades and hooking them into your shirt.

‘Bro!’ she says. ‘Um … nice to see you again.’

‘Yup …’

Dave kicks you under the table. Can’t he see you’re having a really awkward moment here?

‘Uh, this is my brother, Dave, I told you about him. And his friend Rose. Kids, this is Ellie.’

Ellie waves awkwardly.

‘Can I get you something?’ she asks.

‘Can I get a double serve of the pancakes?’ Dave asks.

‘I’d like a single serve, please,’ Rose says.

‘I’ll just have a coffee,’ you say.

‘Oh, can I get a coffee too?’ Dave says.

‘You can have a hot chocolate,’ you say. ‘I’m not sitting up with you all night on a caffeine high.’

‘Fine.’

‘I’ll have an earl grey, please.’

Ellie writes it all down and smiles as she walks away.

‘So …’ Dave says. He and Rose have identical smirks on, like they’ve caught you out. ‘How d’you know Ellie?’

‘How does anyone know anyone,’ you wonder.

‘You introduce yourself as Bro?’ Rose asks.

‘Yeah, well …’

‘Did you bite her?’

‘Shit, Dave, you want villagers with pitchforks?’

‘But did you?’

You hate their smug little faces.

‘... Yes,’ you say.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever met one of your …’ Dave struggles to find the right word.

‘Lovers?’ Rose offers.

‘You’ve met Roxy,’ you mutter.

They both crinkle their noses.

‘What? You’re proof we were …’ you struggle to find the word for what you and Roxy were.

‘Lovers?’ Rose offers, considerably more reluctantly.

‘We really need better words,’ you say.

Ellie comes around with your drinks, effectively ending that conversation.

‘You look weird without your shades,’ Dave says when she leaves.

‘Yeah, well, I think I did pretty well at convincing her I’m a normal guy, don’t want to ruin it with … being me.’

‘I think you look nice without them,’ Rose says. ‘Much more human.’

‘Yeah, well, don’t stare at my eyes too much.’

‘Were they a different colour before?’ she asks.

‘Yeah, stock standard brown. Roxy’s were blue.’

Rose’s eyes widen in shock.

‘But she’s not … like you ,’ she says.

‘Nah, but she was my,’ you sneak a peek at the rest of the cafe to make sure no one’s near, ‘my thrall for four years. It had an impact.’ Did she think Roxy was born with bright pink eyes? You suppose it suits her.

‘That how she can flashstep too?’ Dave asks.

‘Yeah.’

‘What about people like Ellie?’ says Dave. ‘Like, she’s a one-off, right?’

‘Yeah. Tiny boost for a couple months, unless I bite her again. It’s pretty cool to see, actually. Humans really enjoy being super. I don’t know who wore it better, your mom or Jake.’

Rose meets your eyes again. She keeps doing it and it’s making you feel nervous, like you’re gonna accidentally send her to sleep. You might ask Dave to give her his shades if she doesn’t stop.

‘Who’s Jake?’ she asks.

You look at Dave. He shrugs.

‘Not my story to tell, Bro,’ he says. ‘Besides, I barely know.’

‘Right. Well, Jake was a boy I knew when I was—’ Dave kicks your leg and you see that Ellie has brought the pancakes. Good save, Dave. ‘Younger,’ you finish, not wanting Ellie to think you’re not saying something for her sake. ‘Thanks,’ you say to her with a smile.

She gives you a wink and goes back the kitchen.

‘We met when we were 14, even before I met Luke. Luke was the guy who turned me. Jake was just a kid at school. He got worried when I was all under Luke’s spell. He … look, it was awkward as hell, but it took til he was 30 for us to get together.’

Rose looks like she’s going to ask questions but maybe she realises that this small, only mostly empty cafe is hardly the place. People might not be listening now, but if you started talking about something as interesting as the story of how you and Jake happened, they probably would.

‘Anyway, he … passed away a year before I met your mom. He was only 55. He was so fucking gung ho about everything. I think that was a bit my fault. He wanted adventure, and he was so strong because of me. Still, you can’t wrestle a bullet.’

Rose is looking at you again.

‘Lil sis, you gotta stop looking me in the eye or I’m making you wear Dave’s shades.’

‘Are we not immune to your powers?’ she asks.

‘Not exactly gonna test how far that theory goes,’ you tell her.

‘Hmmm,’ she says. She takes Dave’s shades from him. He makes a sound of protest, but he’s preoccupied with his pancakes. He eats so much. You’re fairly sure you never ate that much.

‘Dave, I want to see if I can use suggestion on you,’ she says.

He swallows his bite and looks her in the eye, but he looks pretty cross at not being able to keep eating. He looks a lot younger without the shades.

‘Give me your pancakes,’ Rose says.

‘Fuck no,’ says Dave, not breaking eye contact.

‘You can’t just jump straight into asking them to do something they really don’t want to do,’ you say, barely stopping yourself from rolling your eyes.

‘Noted. Um … scratch your nose.’

‘Nah,’ says Dave. His nose twitches a little, though, like maybe it’s itchy.

‘Snap your fingers.’

‘You gotta do better than this,’ Dave says.

‘Fine, you show me how it’s done.’

Dave cocks his head to the side and smiles. You see how it warms his whole face up.

‘Smile, Rose,’ he says.

She smiles.

‘Oh,’ she says.

‘You been practicing that on innocent folk?’ you ask Dave, trying to sound stern and definitely not proud.

‘Nah, just comes in handy if someone’s asking after why I’m not in school or whatever.’

‘You’re stronger, aren’t you?’ Rose asks you.

‘Yep.’

‘Can I see?’

‘It’s not a friendly power. When I tell people to do things, they think that’s the thing they want to do most in the world.’

She’s not trying to meet your eyes now.

‘I thought my stubbornness would keep me from doing anything Dave asked me to,’ she says quietly. ‘But I really wanted to smile.’

‘Let’s do something else. You want to learn to flashstep?’

She looks up without thinking, but then turns to look just beside your head at the last second. She’s smiling again.

‘I’d really like that.’

The realtor calls the next day to say that your offer has been accepted. You tell him that you want the shortest possible settlement, and he reminds you that Christmas is a thing before agreeing that you can have the keys on the 3rd of January.

You’re pretty impressed with yourself.

Until you remember that it’s a week and a half til Christmas and you haven’t gotten anything.

Chapter Text

Rose helps you decorate the apartment while Dave’s at the skatepark one afternoon. You get the impression they’re starting to tread on each other’s toes a bit. You hope that gets better in the new apartment.

Rose and you have a very different relationship when Dave isn’t around. When Dave’s around, she asks questions about your past, about your vampireness, about your feelings, and you get this sense she’s testing how much you’re willing to reveal, showing Dave he could have just asked if he wanted to know and helping Dave know your past all at the same time. When you’re alone, she doesn’t bother with games like that. She sometimes sings as she does things, or rants about her schoolwork or just does what she’s doing without talking. She insists on putting on carols while you decorate, and you find yourself singing along too. You don’t sing super often, if only because you like the way mixing takes up your whole attention in a way that singing doesn’t, but it’s nice to harmonise with Rose and Michael Buble to songs that have been around even longer than you.

Rose is giving you a lecture on the narrative devices in The Great Gatsby while you are struggling to untangle lights when Dave flings the door open and bursts inside. You both look to him immediately. He has a huge grin on his face.

‘Karkat kissed me!’ he announces.

‘Yeah dog!’ you say, holding your fist out for a bump. He hugs you instead. You raise your eyebrows to Rose over Dave’s head. Dave lets you go and hugs her as well. He rips the curtain back from the window and you dodge into the kitchen before the light can burn you. He races up the stairs as Rose tugs the curtain back in place.

‘I think he’s literally going to shout it from the rooftop,’ Rose says.

You hear whooping from above you. You and Rose look up at the ceiling as if you’ll be able to see what he’s doing through it.

‘Take my phone and video it,’ you tell Rose. ‘Fuck the sun. Just … fuck the sun and fuck sunset and fuck vampirism.’

She takes your phone and does her version of a flashstep to the window. She’s not super fast yet, but it’s neat enough. You scowl at the sunlight when she leaves and then realise you’re trapped in the kitchen until one of them comes down and closes the curtain again or until the sun sets. And you gave her your phone. You pout, because there’s no one to see you.

Rose comes down after 10 minutes and shows you the video she took. Dave’s bouncing around your gym equipment like a rabbit on speed.

‘Apparently he went to the romance celebration school of Disney’s Hercules ,’ Rose says.

‘No kidding,’ you say.

The sun sets before Dave comes down. When you get up to the roof he's lying on the bench press. He turns towards you with a massive grin.

You sit on the floor next to him, leaning up against his hip.

'Worn yourself out, kid?’

'I can't feel my arms,’ he says. 'Or my face. Can you strain your face from smiling too much?’

'Ha. Not taking you to the doctor for that.’

'I’m real happy,’ Dave says.

You knock your head against his hip a couple of times to express your support without having to say something … actually supportive.

'What happened?’

'Aw, dude, it was the best, I said I was going to grab ice cream and he came with and then we had this … god, this moment , I don't know how to describe it, and he just got all intense all of a sudden and quiet , he's usually so loud and … Bro, he likes me back , how fucking awesome is that?’

'I’m really happy for you, dude,’ you say and it's a mark of how happy Dave is that he doesn't doubt you, he just smiles. You don’t ask him what the fuck he was getting ice cream for in the middle of winter because you really aren’t the authority on food or temperature. Maybe that’s normal now. 'So, good kisser?’ you ask.

His blush tells you all you need to know.

You remember when he came home at 12, mildly terrified because a skater chick had kissed him and he didn’t know how he felt about it. He decided he felt good about it and you got to endure artsy photos of their held hands in black and white for a couple months before the girl got bored and ditched him.

You remember he was 14 before he told you he’d kissed anyone new, this time a girl who ran away in a fit of giggles after he kissed her. He’d been hung up on her for ages, that girl who made him daisy chain necklaces and leaned on him all the time but spooked whenever Dave approached her.

He’s probably had other crushes, maybe even other kisses that he’s kept to himself, but you love that he includes you in his life, tells you stuff like this, even if it isn’t all of it.

‘So, did you ask him out?’ you say.

‘I didn’t want to ruin it,’ he says. ‘I just walked him home, kissed him again on the doorstep and came home. Do you think I should have?’

‘Nah. You gonna eventually?’

He rolls off the bench press to sit next to you.

‘It’s gonna be tricky. He’s crazy romantic. I’d have to make some kind of gesture.’

‘This is grouchy kid, right? He’s a romantic?’

Dave laughs. Holy shit, it’s like he’s high. So many emotions being expressed.

‘He goes to all those girly movies with John, that’s how we met. John thought we’d get along, no idea why. John just thinks everyone will like everyone.’

‘Oh god, you have to do a teen movie proposal?’

‘And he’ll hate it if he thinks I’m making fun of it with irony.’

‘But you haven’t had a huge fight that could be resolved with a simple conversation!’

Dave lets his head drop onto your shoulder.

‘Is there a movie where that doesn’t happen? I don’t want to pick a fight for the sake of romance.’

‘’Fraid not, lil bro. They gotta have conflict, else there’s no story, and rom coms refuse to have non-rom conflict.’

You sit in silence, contemplating that for a bit. Then you stand and pull him up too. ‘We need a movie marathon, kid. Gotta do some research.’

You flash downstairs and call for pizza while you scroll through the movies on your laptop. You pull Rose out of their room and get her input as well. She’s sitting through this terrible marathon too. After the pizza arrives you get Rose to tell the story of how she and Kanaya got together.

‘It was two years ago. I had written her a poem, which, upon reflection, was a bit heavy handed. But she appreciated it and correctly interpreted it as an invitation to romantic entanglement.’

‘You still got the poem?’ you ask.

‘... Yes.’

‘How heavy handed?’

‘... Quite.’

‘What do I have to do to get my hands on it?’

Rose looks contemplative for a moment.

‘First, tell me the story of how you wooed Mother.’

‘I didn’t woo Rox!’ you protest. ‘She just kept breaking into my apartment!’

‘That’s all it took? Availability?’ Dave asks.

‘It’s not a story you tell your kids,’ you say firmly. Shit, they’re the age she was when she was seducing you. That is not a comforting thought. ‘On that topic,’ you say, ‘please tell me I don’t need to be having the “be safe” talk with you.’

Dave groans.

‘Because if you need me to buy you things, I would rather you ask me for them than get sick or something.’

Dave groans louder.

‘You know what, I’m gonna buy stuff for you anyway, I don’t need to know if you’re using it or not, it’ll just put my mind at ease.’

‘I’m in a lesbian relationship,’ Rose points out.

‘Sure, if you got pregnant I’d be pretty fucking surprised, but all sorts of infections can happen if you’re not using the right stuff to clean toys or —’

Dave makes a noise like an injured dinosaur over your sentence.

‘I know you’re more resilient to human disease but you have partners as well that you need to look after,’ you point out.

‘We’re more resilient to human disease?’ Rose asks.

‘Yeah. Basically just perks from my side of the genetic pool, am I right?’

‘What’s our lifespan looking like?’ Rose says.

‘Uh … I don’t really know. I didn’t realise I could have kids, don’t know any other vamps who’ve done this …’

‘Is there not someone you can ask?’

‘Luke would have known, he was old … but he was also pissed off with his vampire buddies, so I never got a chance to have a good old chat with them, swap addresses, whatever. I don’t think vampires are that common, so vampire kids can’t be either.’

‘Huh,’ Rose said.

‘No one knows how long they’ll live,’ Dave points out. ‘Can we get back to the important stuff? Like how I don’t have a spare doomed luxury ship, so Kate and Leo aren’t exactly giving me anything good inspiration wise?’

You end up being snack and drink bitch because Dave is too busy texting John for movie advice and Rose is too busy making fun of Dave for trusting John’s movie advice. You don’t even eat, stupid lazy kids.

‘Have you seriously never done a big romantic gesture for anyone?’ he asks you in desperation after he turns off Failure to Launch less than 20 minutes into it in disgust.

‘My dick’s the only big romantic gesture I need,’ you say, deadpan.

Dave’s palm slaps into his face so quickly it seems involuntary.

‘That doesn’t even make sense,’ he says.

You shrug.

‘Still funny though.’ You rub at your jaw while you think. You never had to woo Jake, but you did fight a bit, mostly over your refusal to turn him into a vampire and his refusal to act like he had a human body that could die. Did you ever do anything nice to say sorry? ‘Uh, I once made a bunch of origami monsters out of my favourite book. Like, couldn’t even walk in the hut without stepping on the things.’

‘And that was something … Jake? Wanted?’

‘Yeah, Jake. Um, no, actually, he told me I was ridiculous, but it was effort, that was what counted. And he liked when I did creative things. I was always trying to upgrade his gear, and he thought that was clever, but he liked the pretty things a lot better for whatever reason.’

‘And then, what, you asked him out?’

‘Nah, that was just me apologising for being super clingy all the time. Pretty hard not to be though, when you’re a vampire on a tropical island.’

‘How did you ask him out though!’ Dave says.

Oh my god, this kid is so freaking out. Should you point out that he’s not exactly Danny Zuko cool at the moment? Ha, no, but you should totally watch Grease next.

‘I didn’t, he just grabbed my hand and told me to go with him, that he’d protect me.’

Dave looks so confused.

‘He didn’t know I was a vampire, and he was this little tank of a guy, coming in guns blazing, I dunno … Hadn’t seen him since school and he grew up nice , so I just went with him.’

‘But you’re … you,’ he says.

You give him an eyebrow. Yes, you are indeed you.

‘Nah, I just mean … you don’t exactly fit the bill for damsel in distress …’

You shrug.

‘Is that really it? Make him some paper monsters, that’s all you got?’

You shrug again.

Dave collapses face first on the couch and moans.

You put Grease on and sit on Dave’s back, his fault for taking up all the couch. Hell yes. Rose rolls her eyes at you from the other couch, but you see her, subtly tapping her foot to the awesomeness that is Tell Me More.

It’s two whole days of freaking out before Dave figures out what he needs to do. He banishes you and Rose from the house one night and tells you he’s commandeering your sound gear. You and Rose try to go to the roof for that strife you keep putting off (can’t lose control, can’t hurt your Rose, want to see needlekind strife) but he says that’s too close, so you take her bowling instead.

You both get really competitive. You’d probably have ended up staying all night, each of you trying to win while doing stupid things so it looks like you don’t really care if you win. Rose wins that battle with a gorgeous guitar slide that somehow got her a strike.

When Dave texts you telling you it’s okay to come back home you’re tempted to play another game, just so it doesn’t seem like you’re at his beck and call, but you’re super curious.

When you get inside, he gives you and Rose both headphones and then flashes up to the roof. You didn’t think he could get anymore worked up, but there he went and did it like a fucking champ. You press play.

Soft piano to start, then a heavy bassline, because, yeah, it’s Dave, he can’t get away from the bass. But it works. You listen quietly to the intro, pretty sure you recognise the song, and then it starts proper. Holy shit, Dave’s voice, that’s adorable. And yeah, this is a perfect song. You have stolen my heart , nice and sweet. But not so scary as all the songs that have the dreaded “L” word in them. It’s somehow mixed so that it’s more dancey and softer than the original, subbing the guitar for a slower keyboard riff and with that verging-on-trance bassline weaving through.

‘I don’t think I can make fun of him for this,’ you say to Rose.

‘No, I think that might be very much a dick move,’ she says.

‘Nah, I don’t care about that. I just mean I think he’s done too good a job for me to make fun of it.’

‘Oh. Well, that too.’

You take Rose’s headphones from her and put them on their proper hook next to yours before you lead the way up to the roof. Dave’s doing pull ups. He doesn’t stop when you walk over.

‘’Sup?’ you ask him.

‘Nope,’ he says, dropping from the bar. ‘Can’t play it cool, cool got thrown out the window with the bath water and the baby, I have lost contact with cool, cool’s still in Houston, I’m floating aimlessly through space, who cares, just another piece of space junk.’

‘Song’s good,’ you say. ‘You know that, though, right?’

‘I can’t shake the feeling that it’s probably shit, actually,’ he says.

‘Kid. I say this with zero fucking bias. I have no stakes here. You know that. I’m super opposed to stakes.’ He doesn’t laugh at your vampire joke. Eh, you’ve done better. ‘The song’s good, but better than that, it’s super sweet, and there’s no way it isn’t a panty dropper. If I ever feel the need to seduce someone new and don’t fancy just giving them the classic Bro smoulder, I’m probably gonna steal it.’

Dave shoves at you weakly.

‘Karkat’s probably going to cry,’ Rose says dryly. ‘He would cry if he was watching this in a movie.’

‘Alright. I gotta go give it to him now or I’m gonna chicken out,’ Dave says.

‘Shower first, lil bro. And put some man jeans on.’

While Dave showers, you and Rose look through his wardrobe. You choose some black jeans (does he have any pants that aren’t black jeans? You didn’t find any) and a white button down shirt. You have a skinny black tie that’d look pretty snazzy, but you don’t know if Dave’s a tie guy or an unbuttoned shirt guy.

‘I think as he’s usually so casual, he’ll look nicer with the tie. It’s the contrast, you know?’ Rose says.

You flash in and out of the bathroom, swapping the clothes Dave chose for your superior clothes. You give Rose a fistbump and go and listen to Dave’s song again. Yep, still pretty great. He comes out with the tie hanging undone around his shoulders and you realise you’ve never had reason to teach him how to tie a tie. Jake would be so disappointed.

‘Okay lil dude, super easy, you just … fuck, it’s been a while … nah, I got it, you just flip this guy around and then pull it through here and see?’ Nope, that’s not how it should look. ‘Okay, one tic, starting again. I just didn’t make the lengths right, I think. And then, yeah, you gotta do the flip and then …’ Still not really a tie.

You look at Rose helplessly.

She holds her hand out.

‘I don’t know why it is,’ she says, ‘but not only can I tie a tie for myself, I can also tie it backwards on another person’s neck. I can do a bow tie as well. Mother said this was an important skill to have, as was the ability to smoke half a single cigarette delicately when a gentleman offers to light it.’

You miss Roxy a whole bunch sometimes. You can totally picture how these lessons went down. Roxy refused to smoke regularly, didn’t want to taste like it, but she also insisted on you buying her cigarettes every so often so she had them on hand when she was asked for one.

Rose slips the tie over Dave’s head and smoothly tightens it to an appropriate length. You hand Dave the CD in the case. He holds his hands out and does a little spin. You give him a wolf whistle.

‘Ha. Okay.’ He goes to run his hand through his hair and then stops himself, so he must have put something in it. It looks exactly the same as usual to you. ‘I’m gonna go now.’

‘Good luck, bro,’ you say.

He waves over the back of his head and walks out the front door.

‘How do you feel about spying on him just a smidge,’ you ask Rose. She beams at you.

Chapter Text

Okay. Holy shit. Yes. You’re doing this, man. You’re making it happen. You’re dapper as fuck, wearing a tie for the first time in your life and pulling it off, obviously. So nervous. This is stupid. You’re Dave motherfucking Strider, you can ask a guy out. Or, failing that, you can shove a CD in a guy’s hands and run away.

Okay, that random lady looked at you super weird, you have a very strong feeling that your internal monologue has gotten all external on you again, you really should get that under control. You press your lips firmly together. Fuck it, you’re nervous enough, no need to suppress your natural impulse to ramble all over the place. You think you’ll just flash step the whole way to Karkat’s house so you have less time to freak out. Yeah, super smooth.

You check the time and holy shit, it’s like 11 at night, will he even be awake?

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 23:12

TG: yo karkat what are you up to

CG: OH, YOU’RE ALIVE.

CG: SEE, I DIDN’T KNOW, BECAUSE A FEW DAYS AGO YOU WENT FROM MESSAGING ME EVERY SECOND OF MY WAKING LIFE TO COMPLETE RADIO SILENCE.

CG: AND EVEN BETTER, THE ONLY THING THAT HAS CHANGED IN THAT TIME IS THAT WE KISSED, A THING I THOUGHT YOU WERE INTO AT THE TIME, BUT NOW I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT.

CG: SO, FIRSTLY, FUCK YOU FOR THAT.

CG: AND SECONDLY, YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME YOU WEREN’T INTERESTED, I’D BE COOL WITH THAT, IT ISN’T LIKE

CG: IT ISN’T LIKE THERE ISN’T A RISK WITH THIS KIND OF THING

CG: AND I KNOW YOU HAVE THE SACRED BRO COMMANDMENTS OR WHATEVER TO FOLLOW

CG: IT WAS A PRETTY DUMB MOVE ON MY PART TO EXPECT ANYTHING FROM YOU AT ALL, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WERE PUTTING OUT SIGNALS, AND MAYBE I WAS MISINTERPRETING, BUT YOU KISSED BACK SO I REALLY DON’T THINK I WAS.

CG: AND THIRDLY IF YOU'RE HAVING A BIG GAY FREAKOUT THEN YOU COULD TALK TO ME ABOUT IT BECAUSE CLEARLY I'VE ALREADY GONE THROUGH THAT BEFORE AND EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN ME ROMANTICALLY I THINK I COULD PROVIDE SOME GOOD INSIGHT AND I THOUGHT YOU TRUSTED ME WITH SHIT LIKE THIS.

TG: could i perhaps get a word in here

TG: funnily enough i have the answers to these questions

CG: FUCK YOU. YOU COULD JUST TYPE, IT ISN’T LIKE THERE’S A RULE WHERE WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR EACH OTHER TO BE FINISHED WITH WHAT WE WERE SAYING.

CG: IF THAT WAS THE CASE, WE’D NEVER HAVE AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION, WE’D JUST BE WAITING FOR WHOEVER MESSAGED FIRST TO SHUT UP IN PERPETUITY. BUT ALSO FUCK YOU FOR THIS NOT BEING TWO DAYS AGO.

TG: okay yeah fair enough

TG: are you home?

CG: AS IT IS 11 O CLOCK AT FUCKING NIGHT, YES, I’M AT HOME.

TG: cool could you come outside for a sec

CG: STRIDER IF YOU’RE OUTSIDE I’M GOING TO FLIP MY EVERLOVING SHIT.

TG: …

TG: i dont want you to flip your shit but also im absolutely outside

TG: cant stop that from being a thing thats happening

TG: well i guess i could leave but i really would prefer if you would just come out

TG: i got you a present

CG: WELL FUCK YOU FOR KNOWING THAT MY ONE WEAKNESS IS PRESENTS.

CG: IF THE PRESENT IS YOUR DICK, I SWEAR TO GOD STRIDER, I WILL SNAP IT OFF YOUR STUPID BODY.

TG: omg no my present is not my dick

TG: like yeah good one but in this one particular instance the present is not my dick

TG: just come outside please

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!

TG: really hoping that means youre coming outside

TG: ha that would be pretty funny though

TG: me expecting you to come outside and youve just gone to bed or something

TG: id totally wait all night

TG: ok funny might be pushing it

TG: pathetic is probably what that is

TG: holy shit i know its winter but its fucking cold this is mighty rude for texas to ever be this cold

Oh, there’s Karkat, you should stop messaging his empty computer like an idiot.

‘Hey,’ you say.

He’s all bundled up in one of his huge hoodies, hugging himself on his steps.

‘Hey,’ he says.

Holy shit, he’s cute.

‘So, was this present story just a way to lure me outside so you can kill me?’ he says. He meets your eyes briefly and you have a quick internal debate on keeping your shades on. Pros: no accidentally hypnotising innocent boys into being in a relationship with you, you love your shades, eye contact is fucking scary. Cons: you fucking love Karkat’s eyes and you can’t see them properly through your shades, it’s really fucking dark, actually, and your eyes aren’t that good. And he has complained that you hide behind them. Okay, shades are going. You just won’t hold eye contact too long.

He looks up when you take your shades off and shove them in your sylladex. He seems to notice what you’re wearing for the first time. He walks closer, frowning, until he’s only arms length away. Shit, he hasn’t got shoes on, you should keep this short, you don’t want him freezing.

‘What is this, Dave?’ he asks.

‘Uh …’ you say. You hand over the CD. ‘Yeah, uh, I got you … anyway, I should probably get going, right?’

‘Dave, don’t be a dickhead, you could have just sent me this over pesterchum, what the fuck are you doing here. In a tie. Your shirt looks like you ironed it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think.’

‘I wanted to see you. I …’ Are you seriously going to try and play it cool? You’ve just handed him a love song. You can’t pretend this one’s irony. ‘I like you, wanted to … I dunno. See if you wanted this to happen.’ You shrug.

‘This?’ Karkat says, and he sounds all hopeful, holy fuck that’s cute.

‘This,’ you say, and you step closer and cup his cheeks with your hands. You lean in and kiss him and he’s not stopping you, actually he’s really not stopping you, he’s grabbing your waist and pulling you closer and okay, you meant to just give him a romantic little kiss, but his tongue is tentatively at your mouth and you are on board, hell yes, let’s go to makeout town. He's pulling on your tie like you're not close enough and suddenly you understand why people wear ties. Kinky fuckers in offices giving their boyfriends leads to drag them around on. He tastes like toothpaste and you could kiss him forever.

‘Holy shit, Karkat, I’m trying to be sweet here,’ you say when he lets you go.

‘You’re … I’m so confused …’

How the fuck is he confused. Stupid, perfect Karkat, he probably tuned out the bit where you said you liked him.

‘Wanna be boyfriends?’ you ask, and you’re still holding his face, you just got done kissing him, you know he’s interested, but holy fuck is this the scariest thing you’ve ever done.

‘You’re asking me out?’ Karkat says.

You bite your lip, and you worry that maybe you got this wrong, you were so sure he was keen but shit … You should let go, maybe take a step back. You just nod your head and stare at his shoulder instead.

‘You’re such a fucking moron,’ he says, and stupidly that gives you hope again. ‘Yes, I’ll be boyfriends, I can’t believe that’s how you asked me, how the fuck is that even a sentence.’

You kiss him again and he lets you for a few delicious minutes before he pulls away. He's grinning, you've never seen him smile for so long without hiding behind shouting. You want to make him smile all the time.

‘I’m so fucking cold. You could have asked me in the daytime or inside or … fuck you, I can’t even muster up any anger over this, what have you done to me?’ He’s giggling even though he’s saying mean things and you smile at him and let yourself be pushed away.

‘What’s on the CD?’ he asks.

‘Uh … Actually, you already said yes, maybe I’ll just take that back?’ you say, and he quickly pops it into his sylladex so you can’t grab it. ‘Okay, fine, but … okay, just be cool about it,’ you say.

‘Not a fucking chance. Okay, fuck off, now, I’m going inside before I freeze to death.’

You smile and start to walk backwards.

‘What the fuck, Strider, kiss me goodbye first, holy fuck!’

You flashstep forward and give him a little peck on the cheek because you're a classy motherfucker and then turn and swagger away.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:45

CG: YOU FUCKING FUCK THIS IS THE SWEETEST FUCKING THING.

TG: do i get boyfriend points

CG: YEAH, SURE, YOU GET BOYFRIEND POINTS. LEVEL UP, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.

TG: sweet, gonna rake in those sweet bonuses

TG: uh

TG: but did you really like it

TG: cos its cool if you didn’t

CG: THIS IS YOU SINGING, ISN’T IT?

TG: yeah

CG: I AM NEVER LISTENING TO A THING THAT ISN’T THIS AGAIN.

CG: YOU PLAY THIS AT MY FUCKING FUNERAL, DO YOU HEAR ME?

TG: ha cool

CG: NOW FUCK OFF, I HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP.

TG: you messaged me

TG: but i will graciously still fuck off

TG: because youre my boyfriend and itll make you happy

CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I REALLY LIKE YOU.

TG: sweet dreams kitty kat i really like you too

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

You’re back at your apartment when Karkat messages you back, standing on the street so you can reply without walking into something (Rose gave you so much shit for that last time). When he signs off, you put your phone back in your pocket and grin to yourself before you run upstairs. When you open the door, Bro and Rose are sitting on the couch together, both looking at one of Rose’s books. They look up at you when you walk in, stopping talking about whatever they were talking about. You've caught them debating the moral philosophy of Anna Karenina before. They're freaky similar.

‘Well?’ Bro asks.

‘Guess who has a boyfriend,’ you say, smirking as cockily as you can.

Bro flashes over to you and offers his fist for a bump. You give him one and then Rose and then suddenly you feel like you’re going to fall asleep standing up.

‘Lil dude, it is past your bedtime,’ Bro says.

‘Woah, what about Rose?’ you say, because like hell you’re getting sent to bed before your sister.

‘Rose thinks it’s your bedtime too,’ Bro says.

You shove him and ruin the effect by yawning. You have the weirdest household. If Bro needed to sleep you know you would have to put him to bed.

‘Come on, kid, staying up all night stops being cool when you’re jaw starts making that noise.’

You let Bro lead you to your bedroom and he takes his tie back.

‘You know, you ever want to dress up all fancy, I got hella ties. Even bow ties. I got suspenders somewhere.’

‘You reckon I can pull off the suit look?’ you ask.

‘Striders got swag,’ Bro shrugs.

Sweet. You’re gonna make Karkat’s eyes fall out of his skull with how hot you look.

Bro hesitates at the doorway, which catches your attention. He’s usually the kind of guy that everything looks deliberate on. Even on the rare occasion that you land a hit on him during a strife, he kinda looks like he chose to get hit there so that it would work in with his next move.

‘Sup?’ you ask.

He steps over and grabs you in an awkward hug. He scruffs your hair up and lets you go.

‘That was pretty lame, Bro,’ you tell him, but your poker face is shot, you can’t help but smile.

‘Real talk for a sec,’ he says.

If he tries to give you the safe sex talk again you are going to throw the biggest tantrum.

‘You cool with all these changes?’

Oh.

‘Yeah, cool as a cucumber, you know that. All long and green and disgusting, that’s how I rock it.’

‘I said real talk, bro,’ he says, shoving at you.

‘Uh, yeah. I …’ okay, thinking before talking. ‘Rose is cool, I guess. I … haven’t lived anywhere but here before, but I think it should be fine. I’m kinda excited. I don’t know how I’ll react, you know, once it happens. I’m kinda relieved that I’m doing it at least once before … like I assume you don’t want me living with you forever, I’d rather go through moving with everything basically staying the same before whatever, you know?’

Bro frowns at you slightly.

‘And the Karkat thing is a weight off, to be honest, the anticipation was this niggle at the back of my head like “woah, dude, when you gonna resolve that shit” constantly, you know?’

‘Sure,’ he says.

‘And we’re ahead with school stuff so I’m feeling pretty chill, mostly.’

‘Alright.’ He still isn’t leaving. ‘You’re my bro, k? I got your back. I wanna look out for Rose and Roxy, but if you asked me to, I’d kick ‘em both to the curb. Well, okay, I’d probably kick ‘em to a hotel and hire a nanny or something, but … you’re my priority.’

‘Stop being sincere, it’s freaking me out,’ you say and shove at his arm. ‘But yeah, I know,’ you say, a bit more seriously.

Bro nods and flashes away. He’s probably going to go do pushups on the roof or something to compensate for the emotional stuff. He’s so predictable.

You kinda already knew all that, but you had been getting a bit jealous of how well he and Rose had been getting along. A bit jealous of her knowing Bro as well as you do, of being the one to ask questions and get answers. But mostly the last couple of weeks have been good. It’s actually really nice to be able to talk to a friend openly about your life. Sure, John has always been oblivious enough to talk to but it still feels really different to have someone who knows that you're not making shit up or talking in metaphor.

And she brought some really nice soaps over and that’s just a straight-up bonus.

Chapter Text

Christmas comes way too soon. You go into recluse mode, partly because you’re nervous about having Rose for the first time, partly because you’re nervous about Kanaya being there, partly because you don’t know if you’ve done a good enough job on present duty and partly because you really aren’t used to having so much happening all at once. Your life’s usually pretty dull. You have the house to yourself during the day mostly, which is a relief because there’s a Christmas boom on your smuppet website (who would give a smuppet as a Christmas present? Is it ironic? Is it a sexy gift for a partner? You love your weirdo customers) and neither of your kids like watching you assemble them. Neither of them seem to be able to just watch TV when you’re working either, their eyes are drawn to the smuppets like they’re a sexy car crash. You’re looking forward to having your own room. Wasn’t really an issue when it was just Dave, because he’d just hang out in his room, but with the sharing situation they have practically given up on being in there except for sleep.

Christmas Eve you marathon cheesy holiday movies with Rose and Dave until two in the morning when you tell them they have to sleep or Santa won’t come. They swap stories over how they found out Santa wasn’t real as they brush their teeth.

You clean forgot about Christmas when Dave was five and he was distraught because he thought he hadn’t been good enough to get presents. You had to explain that it wasn’t him, it was just that you were a massive dickhead. You’ve still gotten him “Santa presents” every year since. Got a bit of guilt left over from that, but you tend not to dwell on it. You’ve made plenty of mistakes, if you thought about them all the time you’d probably end up hiding away from Dave from fear of fucking up again.

Rose found out when she laid an elaborate trap to snare Santa and caught Roxy in it instead. She didn’t have the foresight to take a picture of her mother hanging upside down by the ankle, but then again, that would have been a pretty ballsy move. According to Rose, Roxy didn’t spill a drop of the eggnog she was still holding.

You remember Roxy’s eggnog. You thought you’d get drunk just being in the same room as it. She goaded you into drinking her blood to see if you could taste it on her your first Christmas together. It was the first time you’d gotten second hand drunk. You don’t know if Luke even knew it was possible, he’d never warned you against it. Roxy had laughed at you and you’d laughed at her laughing and it took days for the giggly impulsive feelings to die down because your digestion works different. She got you to drink alcohol like a human as a comparative experiment and it didn’t do a thing except sit in your stomach and cause you discomfort until your stupid vampire body absorbed it.

You haven’t gotten remotely tipsy since you stopped feeding on her. Drunk people aren’t that sexy to you. Not many wear it like a Lalonde, as Rox would say.

You spend the time while they’re sleeping turning your pretty typical decorations into something a lot more convoluted. You hope that Dave hasn’t warned Rose that you’ll be doing this. You suppose it isn’t the kind of thing that can be spoiled by talking about it, but still.

You make the decorations in Elf look like shit.

It takes all night and then much of the morning, even with your speed and the decorations you made ahead of time, stashed in your crawl space. You guess they’re a bit old to be waking up at dawn for presents, but when there’s only half an hour until Kanaya is due to arrive, you decide to wake them up. You turn your sound gear up as loud as you can, club loud, and play an ironically bad remix of Jingle Bells. The music is so loud you don’t hear them wake up at all, but there’s Dave, hands over his ears and glaring at you.

He says something that you can’t hear over the music. Neither of you are much for raising your voices.

‘Can’t hear you, bro,’ you say, normal volume. You point to your ears and shrug. ‘The music’s a bit loud.’ You point to your turntable with a “what can you do?” expression.

Dave takes a hand off his ear to slide the master volume down.

‘Where’s your holiday cheer?’ you ask. You are tempted to turn the volume up again, but as funny as that battle would be, it would also probably devolve into a tickle battle and you’d end up fucking up your decorations.

‘I think Rose got my share,’ he says. ‘She’s in literal awe.’

You resist the urge to pump your fist. You smirk instead.

‘You outdid yourself this year,’ Dave says.

You shrug.

‘Can I take over?’

You step aside and he swaps the tacky sample for a better one, making the remix less awful piece by piece. He stops talking while he plays around with the song so he can focus. One of your favourite things about Dave is that you don’t really have to talk to him, he knows how to interpret your silences. Sometimes you have whole conversations with him with just the occasional gesture. It’s just so much less pressure.

You leave him to his work and go to find out how Rose is doing.

She’s turning the wooden baubles around in her hands, examining them closely, cross legged on her bed. You’re pretty proud of those ones, cat themed for her. You can carve hella fast and accurately, but holy shit doing that many was still so time consuming. She looks up when you flash onto Dave’s top bunk and hang over the edge.

‘These are so beautiful,’ she says. ‘I didn’t … Dave showed me a picture last year but …’

‘Different in the flesh, huh?’ you say.

She nods. Have you reduced Rose to speechless wonder? You think you win Christmas.

‘Your girl’ll be here soon. Are we waiting to do presents when she gets here?’

‘If you don’t mind,’ she says. ‘Is it silly to have a shower and then get back into pyjamas?’

‘Showers are never silly,’ you insist.

She smiles and goes to leave the room.

‘Oh!’ she says. ‘You did everywhere!’

Of course you did. You push her towards the bathroom. She can admire your awesome decorations later. You go back to the living room to Dave. He’s drinking apple juice, sitting on the couch. He isn’t allowed anywhere near sound gear with anything resembling liquid. Sometimes it might seem like he’s the one making all the rules, but the few that are yours you are firm as hell about. You give him a nod and sit on the other couch. He looks at you like he might start talking, but you hold your finger up.

‘AAAARGH!’ you hear from the bathroom.

You grin with victory. Dave frowns at you.

‘You’ll see,’ you promise.

Rose steps out wrapped in a towel a second later, covered in glitter.

‘You want me to fix that for you?’ you ask, face back to blank politeness.

‘Yes,’ she says shortly.

You flash into the bathroom and disconnect the joke shower head and connect the proper one. It takes you less than 10 seconds. You flash back to the lounge and gesture welcomingly.

‘What are the chances that there is a second prank waiting for me in there?’ Rose asks Dave.

‘Uh, pretty low,’ he says.

She turns on her heel to go shower properly.

‘She’s not going to be able to get all that glitter off,’ Dave says.

‘No,’ you agree.

‘She’s going to clog the drain up with glitter.’

You shake your head.

‘I rigged it,’ you say.

Dave’s not interested in your plumbing tricks. Like you’d risk the shower for a prank. Pranks are fucking important, but the shower is sacred.

Kanaya arrives while Rose is still in the bathroom, but your decorations provide conversation while you wait. When Rose comes out, she has glitter all through her hair and stuck to her skin.

‘You look wonderful,’ Kanaya says. ‘Should I have worn glitter too? Is it a Christmas tradition?’

‘No,’ Rose says, her cool facade back in place. ‘I’m afraid my prankster’s gambit has rather suffered this morning.’

Kanaya cocks her head and plucks a piece of glitter from Rose’s cheek. She examines it closely and then touches it to her tongue. You grin. You didn’t think anyone would pick up on that.

‘Bro, no, ’ Dave says in horror.

You tone down the grin to a satisfied smirk.

‘The glitter is edible,’ Rose says.

You nod slowly.

Dave and Rose share a look you can’t interpret. It’s pretty similar to their smuppet horror look, which you guess makes sense. Dumping your kid in stripper glitter is probably just as awful as stuffing high tech dildo robots into their plush puppet bodies.

‘Presents?’ you suggest.

Dave and Rose do a creepy in sync twin thing where they both look at you for a second and then look back to each other for another horrified expression.

‘I brought presents for each of you as well,’ Kanaya says.

‘That was kind,’ you say.

‘I might not have had a Christmas before, but I cannot pretend total ignorance,’ she says.

‘It is hard to avoid the marketing,’ you agree.

‘Okay, fine , we’ll do presents,’ Dave says. ‘And we warned you, Kanaya, we said that this wasn’t going to be a typical Christmas, we told you that Egbert would be the one to crash if you wanted eggnog and carols.’

‘Oh, I made eggnog,’ you remember. ‘No booze though. I’m a pretty responsible guardian.’

Dave rolls his eyes at you. You flash to the fridge and grab them all a mug of the weird custardy drink. You take an empty one. You don’t think Kanaya will notice.

You hand them out and take a sip from your imaginary nog. You watch Dave to make sure that you made it right. He gives you a thumbs up.

You take Cal from your sylladex. He’s wearing his Santa suit. His cap’s red and white. He’s so festive. You sit him on your lap for a minute, making sure you have everyone’s attention. Then you flash around, so fast your image stays seated on the couch and have Cal move to the presents under the tree. He slowly falls face first on them. You have him give Dave his present.

‘We all up in here feeling all kinds of advent joy, take your motherfucking present, boy,’ Cal raps. Well, you rap, but you put on Cal’s voice and your couch image doesn’t twitch a muscle.

‘Yo, this gift got me feeling mad levels of gratitude, I assure you I ain’t giving false platitude, I tell you this ain’t my common mood, this prez better not be hella lewd,’ Dave raps back.

You nod approval, he can open his present.

‘You only gotta rap to get the Bro present,’ Dave says. ‘Santa presents are obligation free.’

‘What happens if your rhyme isn’t good enough?’ Kanaya asks.

‘Then Cal roasts you for … just such a long time,’ Dave says with a shudder.

‘And you don’t get the present until you have at least held your own in a Cal rap battle,’ you say. ‘Winning is a bit of an ask.’

‘Cal’s a professional,’ Dave nods seriously. ‘And pretty mean, so …’

‘We can leave Bro presents til last, let you ladies prepare yourselves,’ you offer.

‘Or you can strife Cal for it, but he’s freakish good at strifing too,’ Dave says.

‘Or bribe me,’ you say with a shrug.

‘How would anyone bribe you?’ Dave asks incredulously.

‘You gave me the best drawing on your fourth Christmas,’ you say, frowning at him. You can’t believe he forgot. It was of the two of you riding a rainbow pony over a rainbow. Your anime hair took up so much space. It’s a masterpiece. You keep it in your wallet. ‘I gave you the present from the year before too, for that.’

‘He had to rap for his presents when he was three?’ Kanaya asks.

‘Well, it would be a bit harsh to ask him to when he was two,’ you say.

‘The longer I’m here, the more Dave makes sense,’ Rose muses.

Cal dumps a present on Rose’s lap and then Kanaya’s. He hands one to you very politely. He gets one for himself and sits it on his lap.

You decide not to have him to the traditional rap that says you can open presents. It’s not very polite. Instead, you just nod at Dave and the two of you start ripping paper. You gave everyone who wasn’t Dave a present from Dave.

You got Dave a proper drawing pad for his computer. You know he likes to use his mouse (in his left hand) to draw SBaHJ comics, but you’ve caught him drawing seriously on paper a couple of times so you figure he probably could use a tool to do it properly. In case he actually prefers paper, Santa got him a fuckload of pencils. There’s a little USB attachment to the pad where you’ve uploaded an obscene amount of drawings that you did with your own drawing pad. Yeah, you’re the kind of gift giver who almost always gets two of whatever you’re giving because you want one too. Some of your drawings are intentionally shitty portraits of your weird family, there’s one actually good one of the four of you and about five gigabytes of horses. He’s gonna hate it.

He blushes a little when he sees what it is, but smiles and nods at you in thanks. You look at what he’s got for you. Hell yes, it’s a CD full of Dave Strider originals. You love Dave’s music.

Kanaya’s holding a book with … are those half naked vampires? You try to telepathically ask Dave what the hell? but of course there’s no such thing as telepathy so you just end up giving him a funny look that he misses because he’s reading the instructions for the drawing pad. Rose also has a book, but it seems to have a buff dude mermaid, except the fish tail part of the dude has been replaced with about a million tentacles. She shows Kanaya the front with an amused expression.

‘Couldn’t find a lady half-cthulhu beast,’ Dave says regretfully. ‘I could draw you one, now,’ he says holding up his pad.

‘That won’t be necessary,’ Rose says.

‘You could have edited the book yourself,’ you say to Dave.

‘Bro, no one apart from you has the patience to do that,’ Dave says.

You shrug and open Dave’s present to Cal for the little guy. He could never manage wrapping paper with these adorable mittens. It’s a new hat. It has a picture of Sweet Bro on the front. It’s so perfect. You swap it for the Christmas hat immediately. You kind of want to put it on the Sweet Bro puppet you made, but you think Dave’s hidden those puppetty gifts pretty deep in his cupboard. Kid doesn’t get puppets.

The other present opening goes pretty smoothly. Rose made you all Christmas jumpers. Yours has a picture of a hat on it and you love it. A bro can never have too many hats. You think wearing a picture of a hat on your clothes rather than just wearing one on your head might actually be the vastly superior fashion choice. You zone out for a good five minutes contemplating this. And, holy shit, you wouldn’t have to take your hat off in clubs or whatever that have a dress code.

You zone back in when you hear your name.

‘... Bro alright?’ Rose is asking.

‘Yeah, I think he just really likes his jumper,’ Dave says.

‘I need hats on all my clothes,’ you say, and your voice comes out all mumbly. You look at Dave’s jumper and see it has crow on it. Sweet. Kanaya’s has a Christmas tree, because she likes plants and it’s thematic, you guess. Rose has made one for herself as well, which has a stripy pattern and no picture. Well, see, now you have to learn how to knit so you can represent her interests on a jumper. Doesn’t she know how this game works?

‘Sorry, who’s next?’ you ask. Kanaya hands out her presents. She got you a set of very nice needles for your sewing machine. Shit yes, you are way too lazy about using the proper needle for the fabric you’re using, so most of your needles are kinda blunt at the moment. Rose gets a dress and Dave gets a suit jacket. Nice.

You’re saving Roxy’s presents for dinner at rehab.

When Cal challenges Rose to get your present, she blows your fucking socks off, rhyming in a way you’d describe more as a chant than as a rap, and rhyming plush with blush and then lush, in a way that makes Dave groan into his hands. You’ve never had anyone use the word “betwixt” in a rap battle before. She earns a set of robotic knitting needles. Not only can she knit with them, but they’ll untangle wool on their own and have a few strifing related attachments. If she presses the button on the end, it’ll tell her how many stitches are on the needle. She can program patterns into the needle so they’ll tell her when to increase or decrease her stitches. These needles might just be your best work, robotically speaking. It was hard , fitting everything in such a narrow space. You’re lucky you make smuppets, or you wouldn’t have known how to get the hardware inside a cylinder. People think on such flat planes when it comes to tech.

Kanaya narrowly manages to earn her present. You go a bit easy on her. You gave her your old sewing machine, which felt like a bit of a cop out, but you tricked that baby out. The only reason you got a new one was because you didn’t want to disrupt the work you’d done on it with the new upgrades you wanted. Seemed easier to start from scratch.

‘Don’t touch that button there unless you’re in serious danger and are ready to run like hell,’ you say, opening a panel on the side.

‘Dude,’ Dave says. ‘Not everything needs a self destruct button!’

‘Do my needles explode too?’ Rose asks eagerly.

‘Yeah, but if you do it for a reason that isn’t life or death, I’m gonna be pissed because they took forever to make.’

‘My skateboard has one too,’ Dave sighs.

‘Your hoverboard will have detachable exploding wheels,’ you say. You’ve been working on his hoverboard for years and you haven’t got it right yet. It’s kind of a sore point for you.

‘Are we just leaving the other presents for now?’ Rose asks.

‘No, they’re Santa presents,’ Dave says, as if it’s obvious.

‘Uh, I think we do this differently, lil bro,’ you say. ‘Santa presents can be claimed by anyone. You just take one when you feel the urge.’

‘The urge?’ Kanaya asks.

‘Like, okay, so one’ll probably have a video game in it. If we were to open that, then we’d play the game, right, so we open the presents when we want to do a thing,’ Dave says.

‘Oh,’ Rose says. ‘That’s rather neat.’

‘So I’m gonna put on some food, someone should open one,’ you say. You walk over to the kitchen and have Cal put his little mittens on one that holds a board game inside as a suggestion. You haven’t played a board game since Jane was alive. They’re not as fun with two people, especially when one’s an infant.

Dave takes Cal’s advice and the kids set up the game while you heat up all the stuff for breakfast tacos. The kids come into the kitchen to make their tacos. You slide your shades down and say to Kanaya, ‘I’m eating all this too, in fact I’m probably eating just as much as Dave.’ Kanaya looks a little disoriented for a while, but she doesn’t seem suspicious. With a full day of eating, you really can’t risk hoping a stranger just doesn’t notice you avoiding it.

All four of you are way too competitive to play a board game together. Halfway through, you decide you are perilously close to slicing the game in half with your katana and suggest a recess. Dave is somehow winning. Rose looks similarly close to violence.

You bring out more food, this time a bunch of dips with veggies and stuff. You just got supermarket dips. Dave probably could have made them from scratch but you really don’t know what you’re doing in the kitchen.

Rose chooses another present and then flash steps to their room before any of you can see what it was. You look at the presents left behind and then smirk to yourself.

‘You gotta share those with Dave, sweetheart,’ you say in your best “dad” voice.

She’s out a second later, staring you down while she gives Dave his half of the condoms, lube and cleanser, moving purposefully slow.

Dave sighs and shoves it all in his sylladex.

‘Could have been worse,’ he says, shoving his hands awkwardly in his pockets.

Rose gives him a look.

‘No smuppets and no offers of demonstrations, I call that a win,’ Dave says with a shrug.

You lean against the wall and give them a bland smile.

Chapter Text

After the more traditional brisket and sides course of Christmas food, Rose and Kanaya can’t eat anymore and join in on your spectator sport: just how much can Dave eat? He isn’t even doing it to win, he’s just idly snacking as he draws with his new pencils. Kanaya is reading while you and Rose play a video game, supposedly, but for now all three of you are just watching Dave. He gets to the bottom of the bowl of nachos, feels around to make sure it’s empty and swaps it for a plate of brownies without a pause.

‘That’s a weird combo, isn’t it, it’s not just me?’ you check with Rose. She nods, transfixed by how steadily he eats. He’s like a one man conveyer belt.

‘Why is he not fat?’ Kanaya asks, her tone low. Dave’s pretty focussed and has headphones on, but you’re trying to keep subtle.

‘One of the grand mysteries of the universe,’ you reply.

Kanaya heads off around 3:30. You all bum around the apartment until 6, when you can leave for the rehab centre. You shove all the presents in your sylladex and lead the way. You’re probably not gonna get a taxi on Christmas and it’s not that far. Dave and Rose race with flashsteps, but Dave’s had more practice so he wins too easily for it to be a good game. They play target practice instead, playing like it’s lawn balls where you’re the tiny ball and they have to get as close to you as they can. You flash around to make it harder for them. At least it entertains them and keeps them moving quickly. You guess you’re glad they aren’t being stereotypical sullen teenagers, but their enthusiasm is exhausting.

You all have to give ID to the nurses on the desk. They’re expecting you and lead you to a room with Roxy in it. She rushes over to hug Rose as soon as you’re inside.

‘Rosie,’ she says happily. ‘Oh, kiddo, it’s good to see you.’ Roxy lets Rose go and gives you a hug, then Dave. Dave’s taller than her, you hadn’t noticed until they were right next to each other.

‘Merry Christmas, Rox,’ you say.

She smiles. She looks … different. She isn’t wearing any makeup, her nails are cut short, her hair flat. But she’s still Roxy, still with that lovely smile.

She barely eats the food the nurse brings. Rose seems pretty happy with hers. Dave eats yours as well as his own. You and Rose share baffled looks, because anyone would think you hadn’t fed him at all today.

You hand out presents from “Roxy”. Dave gets a cat skeleton in a jar, which he is way too excited about. Rose gets a wizard plush with a cat face. You made it yourself. Kind of a shame to let Roxy take credit for it, but you’re a generous dude.

Your present is actually one that Roxy gave you just before she went missing. It’s a photo frame with two windows, one picture is of you and Roxy, she’s giving you a lecture and you’re smiling at her with this dopey look on your face because you loved her so much and she was so cute when she was cross. The other one was taken about two seconds later, when the bucket of water Jane had set on the doorframe above you finally toppled over and drenched you both. You laughed so hard, but it was nothing compared to her, she fell over she was laughing so much. Jane took both photos, only wanting to record her awesome prank, but came over all gooey when she saw how cute you were before. Not gooey enough to save you from the water, naturally.

Roxy holds her hand out for it and you give it to her. Her mouth twists to the side as she looks at it and you think she’s holding back tears. She used to cry around you a fair bit, she just felt things really strongly. This is a Roxy who has decided not to feel as much though, or at least not show it. You get that.

Rose gives her a jumper with a cat on it, Dave gives her a CD. You take yours out so you can compare the track list. Roxy’s CD has more of his older stuff, whereas you haven’t heard any of yours before. Makes sense. You hand over your present without making her rap for it. It’s a cigarette holder that doubles as a flame-thrower. She figures it out quickly, thankfully without setting the room on fire.

‘You didn’t give my girl a weapon for Christmas, did you?’

‘I got her knitting needles,’ you say, hands up defensively.

Roxy holds her hand out to Rose. She hands her mother the needles. Roxy pops open the panel on the base and pulls the guts out of a needle to look at it closely.

‘Holy shit, Dirk, this is neat ! The robotics lab at work would cream themselves if they saw this!’ She finds the self destruct button and rolls her eyes at you but leaves it be.

‘Is that lighter fluid? Is this a flame-thrower as well?’

‘No …’ you say.

‘Oh, it’s a toxin, isn’t it?’

‘Needles just don’t seem to be the most effective weapon,’ you say. ‘Had to trick them out …’

‘You know, I always thought it would be interesting to have a taser disguised as needles,’ Roxy muses.

‘I could do that,’ you say. ‘Not these ones, I don’t have room, but yeah, I could make taser needles.’

‘If you’re making me more weaponised knitting equipment, could you make the next one 7 millimeters?’ Rose asks. ‘That way I can use them to make jumpers as well.’

‘I wonder if you could do anything with the wool,’ Roxy says to herself. She hands Rose back the needles and Rose starts to cast on purple wool to them. You like watching her knit, she looks so comfortable with it.

An hour into the visit, Roxy pulls Rose to the side. You pull out a discman for your new CD and share headphones with Dave to give them at least the illusion of privacy. You keep the volume turned down low so you can snoop.

‘Baby girl, I have to make some apologies to you,’ Roxy says, holding Rose’s hands in hers. Rose shakes her head.

‘No, I do, and it’s part of my therapy so you’re going to listen.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry for the example I’ve set. I thought because I was high-functioning that meant that I was doing well. I thought that my drinking wasn’t an issue because I didn’t see that it was affecting anything except my mood.

‘But my drinking was absolutely an issue and I don’t want you to think that it’s normal to have a martini the second you wake up, or that mimosas are an acceptable breakfast drink when you’re not on holiday or that you can drink at work because people aren’t calling you out on it. I didn’t even realise I was addicted because I hadn’t gone more than five hours without a drink in years, so I never felt the hangover. Honey, I was not well. And if, in a couple of years, you want to drink with friends or just as a treat on your own, I don’t want you to think that’s the same as what this is, I don’t want you to fear what can be a fun and normal part of adulthood, but I also don’t want you to think that the drinking I was doing is okay. I want you on your guard for this kind of behaviour because I really hope I don’t pass it on to you but it’s a possibility.

‘I’m sorry for all the times I was too drunk to take you places. I’m sorry for the times I drove you anyway. I’m sorry for how you hung about at that skate park after school rather than come home, I know you made friends but I wish I’d made our home … more homey. I’m just real sorry, Rosie.’

‘Mom …’ Rose says.

‘How’s that for some therapy bullshit, TT?’ Roxy says.

‘Are they helping you?’ Rose asks.

‘Yeah, they’re doing a good job. Got no patience for your mom’s bullshit, I’m telling you now. “Roxanne, was that a helpful comment?” Calling me out on it every which way. Thought I’d come in here and they’d all just resign because I’m too good for therapy, but turns out they have experience dealing with snarky broads who think they’re clever.’

‘How much longer?’ Rose asks. She sounds all vulnerable, maybe you should have turned the music up. You don’t dare look at Dave to see what he thinks.

‘I don’t know, kiddo. Gotta take it day by day at the moment. I’m motivated though, I really wanna come home to you. They say that makes a difference, having a reason to fight.’

Rose nods and hugs Roxy. Roxy hugs her back.

You stay until the friendly nurse kicks you out. You give Roxy a big sloppy kiss on the lips that she turns into a bit of a battle of tongues because you’re a wonderful fake boyfriend and it grosses your kids out. The friendly nurse manages to control her reactions surprisingly well. Rose looks like she’s counting to 100 in her head. Dave looks like you’ve scarred him for life.

When you get outside, Rose looks exhausted from the day so you piggy-back her home and race Dave. You win, but you have to work for it. Dave can’t catch his breath for a bit when you get home though, so you guess he isn’t gonna take over from you just yet.

You move house a week later. You hire movers and get them to do all the work. Dave lets them into the new apartment and you pretend like you are way too rich to help them move the stuff out to the truck. Because not a single company was willing to work after hours when most people aren’t even working day hours between Christmas and New Years and the sun is just so inconvenient.

You let the kids paint their rooms and deck them out with Ikea stuff. You have your own bed for the first time in decades. You wonder if you’ll bring people back to the apartment when the kids are on sleepovers. You would really like to be able to use your smuppets with a partner. You’ve sounded out a couple people in the past, but it’s not the easiest kink to get behind. Roxy would have at least given it a go, but you didn’t start making them til well after you split. It’s probably an unethical business practice to hit on your customers, which would be the easy way to find someone interested, so you never have. The beauty of smuppets is that they’re pretty great for solo adventures. Part of the reason you don’t bother with seeking out sex more than when you need a feed. People are hard work. Smuppets are awesome.

Thinking about this, you encourage your kids to find someone to have a sleepover with. You message Ellie for the first time. She’s actually pretty cool about your silence, especially once you use the moving house excuse. She invites herself around with barely any prompting, saying her housemates are having a party that she could not be less interested in attending.

She arrives just after nine, just after you’ve started a racing game with Rose. It’s actually a lot easier to play without your shades on, but Rose is still neck and neck with you. Dave answers the door.

‘Hey,’ she says. ‘Dave, right?’

‘Yeah, uh, come in.’

You would roll your eyes if you were willing to take them off the screen for even a second. What an awkward greeting.

‘Hi, Ellie, I’ll just be a minute,’ you say. ‘Fuck, you drive like a maniac, Lalonde, I am not taking you to the DMV anytime soon.’

‘Like you would anyway,’ Rose says. ‘Can you even drive a real car?’

‘I’ve … I did it once,’ you say.

‘Bro’s got a problem with competitiveness,’ Dave says to Ellie. ‘You want a drink or something?’

‘I got beer in the fridge,’ you say.

Ellie sits next to you while Dave fetches her a beer.

‘You were at the cafe that one time, too, weren’t you?’ Ellie says to Rose.

‘Uh, yeah, strangest thing, El, turns out Rose is mine and Dave’s cousin. Didn’t even know she existed til I recognised her mom from family things.’

‘Oh, cool,’ Ellie says. ‘Yeah, actually, I can see the resemblance.’

‘And, fuck, Rose, that has to be cheating!’

‘The game allows it.’

‘I told you not to play with her, Bro, I warned you.’

‘Sorry, Ellie, don’t mean to be distracted. The kids are going to their friends house for the night, but their ride is running late.’

‘Oh, I’m not opposed to playing games. I’m just glad I don’t have to be holding Rachel’s hair tonight.’

Dave picks up the conversational slack while you nudge Rose, hoping to break her concentration.

‘That your housemate?’ he says.

You all get along remarkably well until the doorbell rings and John picks Rose and Dave up. You hear him asking Dave who the “pretty lady” is at a stupidly loud volume after you close the door. You share a grin with Ellie.

‘Is it really tacky of me to give you a huge kiss the second the kids are gone?’ you ask.

‘I think you better, or else we’re going to end up landing in the bromance zone,’ she says with a smile.

You step close to her and hold her cheek in your hand as you kiss her tenderly.

‘Okay, so you said you were looking after your brother, but I don’t think I got what that meant until I just saw it,’ she says. ‘That’s a big responsibility.’

‘Yeah, I’m lucky he’s such a good kid. Minimum guardian dilemmas, you know?’

You get her another beer and settle on the couch. You take an empty bottle from the fridge. You felt all sneaky, preparing pretend drinks ahead of time.

‘He said you haven’t brought anyone home before,’ she says.

‘Well, our last place was a lot smaller and I guess I’ve only just gotten comfortable with the idea of him going to a friends place and not feeling the need to check in with him a million times. And, I like you.’

You give her a smile. She smiles back.

‘Sorry, was that too much? I don’t really date much, but people aren’t supposed to just come out and say they like each other, are they?’ you say.

She laughs.

‘Yeah, heaven forbid anyone is honest about their feelings. I much prefer this way,’ she says, and she puts her hand on your hand, where it’s resting on your thigh.

You lean in and kiss her, all gentle. She chases it, makes it deeper. You pull apart just long enough to put your beers down and then crowd her to the end of the couch. You kiss and suck at her neck and the little whimpery noises she makes go right to your dick.

Then your phone starts to ring.

You pull back and glare at it. You are a responsible guardian whose kids should be able to contact you at any time. You cannot just turn the phone off and go back to making out on the couch. You take a deep breath and answer.

‘Hey, Bro,’ Dave says.

You don’t bother answering. He’ll get to the point.

‘So, this party is a lot less innocent than I thought it was going to be?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Just, I thought it was just going to be the same type of thing as my birthday, but Eridan’s gone way overboard and there’s all these rich kids with booze and I think drugs and um, John’s not quite comfortable and we were thinking maybe we should just bail?’

‘Okay, so what, you’re gonna go back to Egbert’s early?’

‘Well, no, we were gonna stay here, remember, and John’s dad was going to his own party and Gamzee’s dad is useless and …’

‘How many kids are you asking me to host right now,’ you ask, pressing your fingers to the bridge of your nose. The one time you bring someone home instead of just going out and assuming Dave’ll be fine in the house by himself.

‘Okay, so me and Rose, obviously, John, Tavros and Gamzee. Jade is … I don’t know where she is but I think she’s fine, Eridan’s having the time of his fucking life, the douchebag, and everyone else can handle themselves.’

‘Can you get a taxi?’

‘We can come home?’

‘Of course you can fuckin’ come home.’ You grab your hair and resist shouting at him. Okay, he’s probably just nervous, be cool.

‘Yeah, um, okay, taxi. Sorry, Bro.’

‘Kid, I … do you have enough cash?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Okay, well, see you soon then.’

You hang up and groan into your hands for a few seconds before turning to Ellie.

‘I am so fuckin’ sorry, I cannot believe this is happening.’

‘Do you want me to leave?’

‘I really don’t, but I also get it if you don’t want to hang out with a bunch of teenagers. Fuck , this guardian thing sucks sometimes.’

‘Well, it’s this or my stupid party, so if it isn’t too weird I guess I’ll hang out with you guys.’

You smile and give her a little kiss.

‘Part of me wants to make this the best slumber party ever to reward these kids for not wanting to be at a party with drugs and booze, because 16 year old me would have been all over that and I can’t believe how good these kids are. But then another part of me doesn’t want to make it so awesome that my place becomes the new slumber party heaven.’

‘The first one’s more fun,’ Ellie points out.

‘Okay, help me move the couches.’

You take the mattresses off Rose’s and Dave’s beds and put them on the floor in the lounge room and grab all the blankets and pillows and cushions that Rose made you buy. You and Dave got a couple pillows for your beds and thought that was it, but Rose brought a cacophony of cushions into the apartment. Maybe you should have given them a smaller budget for their rooms. Ah well, not like you don’t have the money.

You find snacks in the pantry while Ellie peruses your DVD collection. She holds up your My Little Pony series and you tell her it’s ironic in your least convincing voice. She smirks and puts it back.

The kids arrive and you punch Dave in the arm.

‘Don’t doubt me, shithead,’ you tell him.

He rubs his arm and goes to investigate the sweet setup.

‘He didn’t actually doubt you,’ Rose says. ‘As soon as he saw that ,’ she points at Gamzee who is sitting in wheelchair kid’s lap talking way too loudly about clowns, ‘he said, “Bro will be our ironic saviour,” and called you.’

You punch her too, just to be safe.

Ellie insists on staying up with the kids and watching the superhero movie with them, which is actually pretty nice. You cuddle her on the couch while the kids lie all over each other. You steal Gamzee after his third glass of water to make sure he isn’t going to accidentally drown himself and taste his blood to see just how high he is. Barely high at all. Okay, kid just likes to talk clowns and has no volume control, you can respect that.

He tries to touch your teeth when you take your mouth away and you roll your eyes before making him forget it all. When you push him back to the mattress pile he immediately drapes himself over Tavros again.

You end up sleeping with Ellie without actually sleeping with her. Seemed kinda tacky to do anything with the kids in the other room. You still make out a bit and then bite her on the neck, covering it with a hickey. She brought a scarf, she’ll be fine. You wait until she’s properly asleep in your arms before getting your iPhone out so you can dick about on the Internet. You’re glad you’ve made meditation a hobby, because it was so hard when you were first turned to put up with doing nothing, especially with heightened senses.

When you kiss her goodbye the next morning, Rose gives a rather exceptional wolf whistle. You decide hallways are a better place to say goodbye.

‘I know this was not a typical date,’ you say, rubbing the back of your neck. ‘But I had fun?’

‘Yeah, me too,’ she says with a little smile. ‘Don’t leave it so long next time, yeah?’

Back in your apartment you give all the kids a healthy number of punches and pancakes.

Chapter Text

You’re lying on your bed listening to Dave’s music, when Rose bursts into your room.

‘I’m so glad I never partake in any activities that I don’t want my kids seeing me doing,’ you say to the room as you sit up. Then you see Rose’s face. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Kanaya,’ she says, and she’s a fucking mess, her eyes are wild and her mascara’s smudged and she doesn’t look like your Rose at all.

‘Rose ,’ you say, demanding more information.

‘She’s hurt, she’s so hurt, you gotta help me, please!’

‘Lead the way,’ you say.

You follow her to the door of the building and the sun hasn’t fucking set yet. She doesn’t even realise you aren’t following her until she’s halfway down the block. Fuck it, you’d do anything for this girl. You get back upstairs faster than you ever have, put on a hoodie and flash back down before she has had time to get much farther. You keep your hands in your pockets and hood up, and it might not be the perfect solution, but you’ll be okay.

‘Rose, you can go faster than this,’ you remind her, and then she’s flash-stepping, jumping forward and winking back into existence every 30 feet or so. You’re usually way faster, but the sun is seeping through your hoodie and you’re getting weaker the longer you’re in it. If you hadn’t fed only a couple days ago you would be down to human level strength by now.

Rose leads you to Dave’s skatepark, and yeah, there’s Kanaya, she’s got an alarmingly large blood stain around her middle.

‘Get her in the shade,’ you say, looking around for somewhere undercover. Fuck , what, do skaters not need a shady place? The trees will have to do, even though it’s not nearly good enough, if trees could cut it you could probably have the windows open all the time, but whatever, it’s better than nothing.

Not for the first time you find yourself wondering why you’ve pretty much stayed in Texas your whole life. Middle of fucking winter and it still feels like a spring day. You loved that when you were human. Now it fucking sucks.

Rose, Karkat and Dave carry Kanaya to the trees where you’re panting, trying to get some relief. You haven’t been out of breath since you were human. You do not break the rules of your existence. Stupid love, making you stupid.

‘You called an ambulance?’ you ask.

‘They don’t take stab wounds,’ Dave says, his face grim. ‘Even if they did, closest one’s, what, St John’s? Too far away.’

They’ve wrapped Rose’s scarf real tight around Kanaya’s middle, but it’s soaked through. They’ve done all the first aid you know.

‘What are you thinking I can do?’ you ask, voice all low. You already know what they’ll say.

‘Bro,’ Dave says. ‘You can fix this.’

‘Davey, you might be wantin’ to take your boy away, huh? This might have a bit more to do with Rose, I’m thinkin’.’

Dave frowns at you for a long moment, but then Kanaya starts to shake, her eyes scrunched closed and his eyes go all wide. He drags Karkat away. You don’t pay attention to what he says to get him to agree to go with him.

Rose whines and grips your arm. Her eyes won’t leave Kanaya’s face. It’s pretty disturbing, the way her body is writhing like that. It feels like that’s just something her body is doing, like Kanaya doesn’t have anything to do with it.

‘It’s not fixing it, Rosie,’ you say. ‘She’ll never see the sun again. She can forget about her garden. It’ll be years before she trusts herself around humans. She’ll have to be awake, all the time, over-aware of everything . She won’t die unless she’s killed, she’ll watch you grow up and die and she’ll be 16. 16, Rose, not 24, not an adult who can buy apartments and live alone with no questions asked, eternally 16, having to influence adults into buying shit and because the world won’t give her power, she’ll have to take it.’

Rose holds your eyes through your shades through your speech.

‘I love her,’ she says. ‘Dad … Please …’

You never thought you’d turn anyone. You didn’t turn Jake or Jane or Roxy. Jake asked you to so many times. And as for people that meant nothing to you? Why would you?

You can’t say no to Rose.

You take Kanaya’s wrist and sink your teeth into it. No point going for subtlety here. You drink, much deeper than you usually would because the sun has given you a fucking beating and because you have to if this is going to work. Kanaya immediately relaxes, the shaking stopping. Her eyes focus for the first time since you arrived and meet yours. Fuck. You’d swear out loud if your mouth wasn’t full of blood. You’re supposed to maintain eye contact. You knock your shades off with the hand that isn’t holding Kanaya’s wrist to your mouth and hold her gaze. You close the puncture wounds with a lick of your tongue and then break eye contact to eye your own wrist. It’s definitely the best place for Kanaya to drink from. Luke gave you his wrist. Your hesitation lasts barely two seconds, but you feel them weigh heavily on your shoulders. How dare you hesitate when so much is at stake. You bite into your wrist before you can think about it too much and then hold it to Kanaya’s mouth. She’s still so out of it, but she takes to your wrist like it’s cocaine or something, suddenly focussed, suddenly strong. She holds your wrist to her mouth like she’d rip it off your body before she let it go and she gulps down way more blood than you gave her.

You’re really grateful you fed only a couple days ago.

She’s still not stopping.

Goddamn you wish the sun wasn’t out.

Where’s your super-strength when you want to knock out a girl who’s bleeding to death?

Your vision begins to develop these strange black spots.

Are you going to pass out?

You haven’t gone into any kind of altered state of consciousness in …

Wow thinking is hard.

You must lose time, because it’s dark when you next are aware of your thoughts. You sit up and take stock of your surroundings. Dave’s back, with Karkat, fuck and there’s Rose, holding Kanaya who looks dead, but won’t be, now.

‘Wegoddaburyer,’ you say. Woah. Nice words, Dirk.

Dave and Karkat look at you immediately. Rose is too busy holding Kanaya’s head. Oh, she’s crying, you don’t like that at all.

‘ Dave ,’ you say. ‘I’m not nearly in a state where I can act normal for your bf.’ Yup, b-f has just as many syllables as boyfriend. You don’t know why you’re the way you are.

‘Can’t keep him away,’ Dave says, sounding grave and proud at the same time. ‘Just gonna have to tell him the truth like an idiot.’

You let out a long moan for a while and then stop because that isn’t actually helping.

‘Wait, if that’s the case …’ Oh fuck, are you that much of a dickhead? Yeah, actually you are pretty close to death and are Dave and Rose gonna dig a grave? No, it’s gonna be up to you, maybe you deserve this? Shit you feel drunk …

‘What?’ Dave prompts, shaking your shoulder.

‘Can I have just a teeny bit of your boyfs blood?’ you ask. ‘Man, I sound lame, why would anyone do this?’

Dave laughs like he’s surprised and then claps his hands over his mouth. Not laughing time. Stress time.

‘ Dude ,’ he says.

‘Yeah, that’s hella wrong. I jus’ din’ wanna ask you or Rose, you don’ smell like food, ya know? Prolly do in a pinch, and lordy lord do we have a pinch right now.’

Dave looks at you in horror.

‘Shit. Um. Shit.’

‘What’s he talking about?’ Karkat asks, and you think that’s the first sentence you’ve heard him say that didn’t include a swear word and you giggle.

‘Fuck, I don’t have time to do this gently,’ Dave says. ‘My bro’s a vampire, he’s started to turn Kanaya, the sun’s done something weird to him, or maybe it’s the blood loss from the Kanaya thing and he’s asking to have some of your blood and I don’t think mine will work because he’s never been interested in it, not even when he went six months without blood a couple years ago.’

‘What. The. Fuck.’ Karkat says.

Yeah that probably sums it up.

‘Look, it could save Kanaya’s life,’ Dave says.

There’s a long pause. You wonder if you should be keeping your eyes open.

‘What do I do?’ Karkat asks, and shit, his voice broke there, that’s a bit heartbreaking, can you do this?

‘Give him your wrist,’ Dave says, and he sounds like he knows what he’s talking about even though you’ve never fed in front of him, didn’t want him to see you like that.

And then there’s hot blood under your mouth and you don’t hesitate, you’re just suddenly biting him and then oh my god that tastes good, you need his blood, that’s it, you feel like yourself again, oh shit, this is not okay, you’re being way too vampire at the moment.

You force yourself to pull back.

Karkat’s wrist is still bleeding, so you pull it back for a moment so you can lick it and the skin closes.

He looks a bit freaked out.

You take deep breaths.

‘Thanks, kid,’ you say. ‘Holy fuck, I can’t even remember the last time …’

Dave and Karkat are staring at you wide eyed. Not the time for a ramble.

Rose is still holding Kanaya and sobbing.

You shake yourself and stand up.

Woah, still woozy.

That’s new, but you can cope. You scoop Kanaya into your arms and you don’t have control of your speed so it happens too quickly and Rose is snarling at you like she thinks she’s an animal and you giggle again and then stop.

‘Okay, children, everything’s going according to plan,’ you say. ‘Dave the babe, where’s the nearest graveyard?’

‘Uh …’ he says. He looks around. ‘This way.’

This is why you have goth kids.

Ha.

Dave slings Karkat’s arm over his shoulders and Rose’s on his other side and leads the way, so slowly away from the skatepark. You snort and grab Rose, throwing her into piggy back position and then Dave speeds up, just dragging Karkat along as he half jogs down the street. You must look so weird. You don’t think Rose or Karkat really need help moving, but hey, you’re Striders, you’re faster than speeding bullets, you’re taking control.

You get to the graveyard and you drop Kanaya and Rose and put your hands on your knees, panting. Breathing is weird. That thought makes you giggle again. Man, you need a week of rest and at least another pint of blood.

‘Hindu, right Rose?’ you ask.

She nods.

‘Okay, do a quick Google, make sure there’s been some hindus buried here or it ain’t going to work.’

Dave takes his phone out and a moment later nods in confirmation. You hope Kanaya isn’t too attached to her religion. Giving up catholicism was actually pretty liberating for you.

You find an appropriate spot and put your super speed and strength to use, digging a grave. It doesn’t need to be six feet deep, but it needs to be respectable. You jump out and pick Kanaya up.

You hesitate.

‘Rosie, she’s gonna be fine. I’m just gonna lay her down for rest, just for a little bit. You wanna say goodbye first?’

Rose looks so afraid, but she crawls over on her knees and kisses Kanaya on her forehead. She holds Kanaya’s face for a long moment before she touches her forehead to hers and then lets go. Dave drags Rose into a hug and you jump back into the grave and arrange Kanaya so she looks like she might be sleeping. Job done, you climb back out and begin to pile the soil back into the grave. Karkat helps you, which you find a bit strange, but maybe he’s feeling as awkward as you are by Dave holding Rose all close. Better to be doing something. You hate the sound of Rose crying.

You and Karkat pat the earth down and then sit down next to Rose and Dave. You lost your shades a while ago. Hopefully Dave picked them up. Would it help to talk?

‘Luke didn’t tell me he was gonna turn me. I thought he was just feeding, I remember that feeling nice. I dunno, I liked being useful to him. And there’s something vampy there too, like, gives the vic happy feelings so they don’t struggle. And then he gave me his blood and … like, I’d had drugs, I’d drunk alcohol, I knew there were some nice tasting things in the world, but I’d never wanted anything more than I wanted his blood.’ That might not have been appropriate, strictly speaking. You give a little laugh. Small improvement to light headed giggles. ‘Anyway, I don’t remember my burial but by fuck do I remember waking up.’ You hesitate. How much is okay to say? ‘It … was … unpleasant.’ Obviously. ‘Scary. Waking up, buried alive, or so it felt. But so strong and so scared, it took no time at all to get to the surface.’ Ah … too much detail? Nah, they’d wonder about it if you didn’t tell them. ‘And Luke was there waiting, he’d got me a guy to feed on——shit!’ You leap to your feet. ‘We got to find her a human, I don’t wanna take any more from Karkat.’

‘How long do we got?’ Dave asks.

‘Time is it now?’

Dave pulls out his phone and laughs humourlessly.

‘It’s not even 9, what the fuck,’ he says.

‘Cool, so, I got out just before dawn, she should too. We got time.’

You sit down again.

‘So, I drank from this guy Luke brought me, he had to bite him for me even though I’d seen him do it a million times, I just had no idea what to do with my teeth and then he took me home and helped me adjust.’

You made a strange couple, you a tall buff guy in your mid twenties, completely dependant on him, a 15 year old kid with hundreds of years of wisdom.

‘She’s going to be okay?’ Rose asks. Her voice is husky from all the crying.

You grab her hands.

‘She’s gonna be fine.’

You lean your head on Rose’s shoulder for a bit, just resting.

‘So, I gotta ask what happened,’ you say.

‘She tried to calm down a fuckhead who didn’t want to be calmed down,’ Karkat says dryly. ‘Lost his temper and stabbed her instead of the dickmuncher who’d stolen from him or whatever the fuck his problem was. Then everyone freaked and ran away like stabbings are contagious. Which, I guess they could be? If the dickhead with the knife hadn’t already run away too?’

‘Fuck,’ you say. ‘Is it safe for you guys to be there?’

‘Usually,’ Dave says. ‘And … you know … got a bit more strife practice than most.’

‘Right.’

‘Can we get back to the whole “vampires are fucking real” thing?’ Karkat asks.

Dave pats him on the shoulder comfortingly. Karkat fails to look comforted.

‘Yeah, vampires are real,’ you say. ‘Any follow up questions?’

‘Kanaya’s going to be one too.’

Not a question, but whatever, you nod as much as you can while still leaning on Rose. Huh, maybe you should stop doing that, you’re pretty heavy.

‘You don’t have a sun disease.’

‘I dunno, I’d argue that I have a sun disease,’ you say, rolling your sleeves up. Yuck, blisters. ‘Oh my god, does my face look as bad as my arm?’ you demand.

‘You just look sunburnt, you’re fine,’ Dave says. He doesn’t sound sympathetic, which you hope means the damage isn’t bad, not just that he doesn’t think now is the time for you to get all vain.

‘How long is that going to last?’ Karkat asks.

‘Fuck if I know. I generally avoid the things that could kill me.’

‘That is such a fucking stupid vulnerability,’ Karkat says. ‘If I stabbed you in the heart with a stake would that kill you too?’

‘Well, yeah, but it would if I was human too,’ you say.

Ha, that stumped him.

‘The blood thing …’ he says.

‘Yeah, I drink blood, no I don’t kill people,’ you say so he doesn’t have to ask the obvious question.

‘How does that work?’

You give up on leaning on Rose and lie down properly. You haven’t slept since you were turned, but man could you go for a cat nap now.

‘So, I have blood working the same way as a human, obviously, with the being able to move and all that stuff, but instead of converting food into energy, I just absorb other people’s blood from my stomach into my bloodstream. I mean, as best as I can figure. It isn’t like there’s a handbook. But if I drink too much, it feels awful, because it takes a while to filter through the systems. I’m feeling a bit glutted now, to be honest, but hopefully my stomach realises that I really need that blood to be replaced and kicks it up a gear because I’m also woozy as hell.’

‘You said earlier that the guy who turned you fed on you …’

‘Yeah, well that’s the easiest way to do it, have a regular human there to donate blood.’

‘Do you have one at the moment?’

You think of Ellie, but two feeds doesn’t really count.

‘Nah, it’s a pretty big commitment. Have done in the past. With Dave and Rose’s mom. And once before that.’

‘Commitment how?’

‘Well, there’s the whole keeping the secret thing. And …’ Shit it’s awkward that you fed from your kid’s boyfriend. Well, if he’s not feeling all mushy towards you, you aren’t gonna bring it up. ‘Look, you’re probably feeling pretty normal now, right?’

‘Yeah …’

‘Well, you ever donate blood? They take about a pint, I just took a pint and a half from you. Might not seem like much but you only got 10 to give. And after a donation you feel all woozy and need to take it easy, but you feel pretty normal right now. Maybe even better than usual.’

‘What …’

‘I got a venom or something on my fangs, it helps make the person I bite all chill while I feed and then gives them a bit of a boost so they can cope with the blood loss afterwards. You feel normal now, but go for a run tomorrow. You’ll be faster and you’ll go for longer and unless you push too far, you won’t be puffed or pull up sore.’

‘How long?’

‘Six weeks.’

‘Fuck.’

You keep quiet, letting Karkat come to terms with everything. He’d be better off asking Roxy these questions, she’s the one who figured it all out. Luke and his friends couldn’t give a shit about why they worked the way they did, they just accepted it. Knew the rules, passed down like bedtime stories. Now you know the sunlight one is not to be fucked around with.

You wake up to Dave shaking your shoulder.

‘What the fuck,’ you say.

‘Yeah, was wondering that myself,’ he says. ‘You don’t sleep.’

‘What time is it?’ you ask. You don’t know how to reassure him you’re okay when you haven’t been in this position before.

‘4am. Thought we should be grabbing a donor for Kanaya, right?’

‘Fuck. Right.’ You stand up and shake your limbs out.

Rose and Karkat are asleep.

‘Okay, I’m going to find someone. You staying guard?’

Dave lifts his chin like he thinks you’re making fun. But you haven’t been vulnerable like that in decades. You’re glad it was him watching over you.

‘I’ll come with,’ he says. He wakes Rose up with a touch. ‘Bro and I are off. Needles out, sis.’

She pulls out her knitting needles and sits up straight, alert almost immediately.

You ruffle her hair before you walk away. Dave falls into step with you easily.

‘There still that 24 hour diner up here?’ you ask.

He nods.

‘We’ll try there first. Don’t fancy knocking on doors and hoping we get a bachelor.’

You walk in silence. Just outside the door, you hold out a hand and stop him.

‘Look, I’ve never had trouble influencing before, but I’ve never fallen asleep accidentally before either. If this doesn’t work, I need you to take over. So, shades off, yeah?’

Dave’s eyes are wide behind his shades but he nods and he looks stoic as anything by the time he takes them off.

There’s two people in the diner, on opposite ends. One’s a woman in her 40s, practically falling asleep into her coffee, the other …

‘Gamzee?’ Dave says.

The kid looks over to you and his face lights up.

‘There’s my best motherfucking friend!’ he says and he bounds over to give Dave a hug.

You meet Dave’s eyes and ask the question silently.

‘Wanna come for a walk with us Gamz?’ he asks.

‘I’ll get my walk on real good for you, best friend,’ Gamzee says. ‘And it’s this guy!’ he notices you and gives you a hug as well. Such a strange kid. You really hope Kanaya doesn’t drink him dry.

He follows you peaceably outside and along the pavement. You make eye contact, just in case, and say, ‘We’re going to hang out in a graveyard with Karkat and Rose. That sounds like a nice time, right?’

‘Woah, yeah, sounds like a motherfucking miracle, you meeting me like this all sociable and shit.’

‘Why aren’t you at home, Gamz?’ Dave asks.

‘Dad changed the locks, the silly goat,’ he says. ‘All motherfucking … caprine or some shit.’

You look to Dave for clarification, but he looks just as baffled as you.

‘You need a place to stay tonight?’

‘I could do with a spot to get my snooze on, yeah, motherfuck,’ he says, nodding his head. He notices Rose and Karkat and suddenly breaks out into a run.

‘There’s my best motherfucking friend!’ he says, falling onto Karkat’s sleeping body with zero concern for the safety of anyone’s limbs.

‘I thought you were his best motherfucking friend,’ you say to Dave.

‘I think everyone is,’ Dave says. ‘But Karkat’s probably the winner. Him or Tavros.’

‘Get the fuck off me you gangly fucking fuck!’ Karkat says, his voice all muffled.

‘Karbro, I saw the ocean and it was so motherfucking pretty, it was like a little miracle for my eyes, all cooked up for me by the gods.’

‘Hey, Gamzee, hop off Karkat for us, there’s a good kid,’ you say.

Gamzee does and gives you a dopey grin from the ground. Karkat sits up and shoves Gamzee in the shoulder, presumably in retaliation. Gamzee just falls over onto his side.

‘How long are we going to have to wait?’ Rose asks.

‘I dunno, sorry. Wasn’t in the best position for observing last time.’

‘Is there any particular reason you decided Gamzee would be an appropriate first meal for Kanaya? She’ll probably get second hand high from him, that doesn’t seem like a fun time.’ Rose is staring a bit distastefully at Gamzee, who hasn’t bothered to sit himself upright yet.

‘Uh, that’s a good point …’ you say. You go sit next to Gamzee. You look him in his glassy eyes. ‘This is completely normal,’ you say, and then you take half a mouthful of blood from his wrist.

‘Your teeth are bitchtits crazy!’ Gamzee says happily.

‘Yup,’ you agree. ‘His blood’s actually pretty clean,’ you say to Rose. ‘I could get someone else, but she took enough of mine to be getting on with so I think this’ll be fine.’

Rose nods, accepting your judgement. Good. This really is your domain, you should probably act like more of an authority figure.

You all sit and watch the grave. Turns out you’re not so crazy about being on this side of the ground, either.

Chapter Text

Waiting for Kanaya to surface is the strangest mix of agonisingly boring and unbearably tense. Even Gamzee is affected by the mood, squished in between Dave and Karkat and looking like he hangs out in graveyards all the time. Karkat wrapped a scarf around him as soon as they arranged themselves comfortably and is now rubbing Gamzee’s bare arm. You throw them your hat jumper, not wanting the kid to freeze. What kind of asshole locks their son outside in the middle of winter wearing a t-shirt? At least he has long pants.

‘When this happens,’ you say, breaking the silence, ‘we’re gonna want to head home right after it settles. Sunlight is not her friend, okay?’

They all nod at you, even Gamzee. You suddenly have a thought.

‘Karkat, are your parents not worried about you?’

‘I told Dad I was sleeping over at Dave’s. Thought it was a fucking miracle Dave still wanted to be with me after having to endure the lecture on proper sleepover etiquette, but it turns out his dad’s baggage is just heavier than mine.’

‘That is a miracle,’ Gamzee says sleepily. ‘Your love is just … so miraculous …’

Everyone ignores him.

‘Am I supposed to be fine with boyfriend sleepovers?’ you ask. Like one of the 16 year olds is going to tell you how to make responsible parenting decisions. You should probably Google it instead.

‘Opportunities for corrupting my innocence are about six feet below possible tonight,’ Dave says dryly. ‘Think you’re fine, Bro.’

Right. The group lapses back into awkward silence.

Almost half an hour later, Rose notices the first disturbance in the soil. You make careful eye contact with each of them.

‘You will keep within 20 feet of me until I tell you otherwise,’ you say in your most commanding voice. You really don’t need any of them spooking and doing a runner. You have a feeling Gamzee would be impossible to catch if he put his mind to it.

Kanaya’s hand breaks the surface and then she scrambles out with panicked quickness. She launches herself at you and you catch her and hold her close. She presses her face into your neck and takes shuddery breaths while you stroke her dirty hair.

Rose looks hurt beside you, but there’s no helping that. You weren’t sure this would happen, didn’t know to warn them, but it makes sense to you. You’re Kanaya’s sire. That means something.

‘Kanaya,’ you say gently. ‘You’re okay.’

She pulls her head back to stare into your eyes. Her once brown irises are now a lovely jade green colour.

‘I’m okay,’ she says.

‘Gamzee, come here, please,’ you say. ‘This will not hurt or alarm you,’ you tell him, breaking eye contact with Kanaya so you can hypnotise him a bit.

You bite into Gamzee’s wrist and offer it to Kanaya, your arm still around her waist. She drinks eagerly and you count in your head to make sure she isn’t taking too much. You stop her at about two litres. You take Gamzee’s wrist from her and lick the wounds closed. She sucked a bruise around your bite as well. You sigh and feel a bit guilty about the knowledge that no one will question a mark like that on a kid like Gamzee.

‘Kanaya, we’re going to my home now. Will you do as I say?’

‘I will do as you say,’ she agrees.

‘Dave, look after Gamzee,’ you say, and then you lead the way. You don’t flashstep, not wanting to leave behind the human kids or freak Kanaya out. You have an awful feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach, but you hope you’re wrong. You have time to figure all this out once you get to the safety of the apartment. Kanaya clings to you the whole way.

You sit on the end of the couch so Rose can sit on the other side of Kanaya. The boys take the other couch. Dave hands Karkat and Gamzee a lemonade each and you spare a moment to be proud of him for trying to boost their blood sugar. You get them water, like actual donors would do. Then you refocus on Kanaya.

‘Kanaya, you’re a vampire now. Like me,’ you tell her.

‘Yes, that is what makes most sense,’ she says.

‘You were stabbed and you were going to die. I stopped that from happening. If you want to move on, though, I will kill you. You just have to ask.’

‘Dad!’ Rose says.

‘Kid, this is not up to you. We did not ask her if she wanted this, we pushed it on her.’

‘I do not want to die,’ Kanaya says.

‘I’m glad.’

‘But … I do not know what this kind of living entails.’

‘I’ll tell you everything you need to know. I haven’t … sired anyone before, but I’ve been around long enough to help.’

‘I trust you,’ she says.

‘Yeah, what’s going on with that?’ Karkat says, his voice wary. ‘Sorry to interrupt, what-fucking-ever, but Kanaya and I are close. I know she didn’t trust you.’

‘I’m her sire,’ you tell him. ‘It’s an important bond.’

‘Look, tell me if I’m wrong, I really want you to tell me I’m wrong, but she’s looking at you like she’s about to strip all her clothes off and prostrate herself at your feet.’

You close your eyes for a second and try to think of what to say.

‘When Luke turned me, I was already his thrall. I already loved him. I know some of that was because of our blood bond. I … think … that a similar bond has been formed between Kanaya and myself.’

Rose shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

‘I didn’t know that this would happen,’ you tell her. ‘And she’s alive. And obviously it isn’t anything that needs to … it’s not like I’d ever act on it,’ you finish weakly.

‘You know Kanaya is the biggest lesbian I’ve ever met in my life,’ Karkat says.

Yeah, you know what that’s like.

‘Her type is humans now. And, I guess, me. But again, nothing I would act on.’

‘That makes no fucking sense, I swear you’re making all this up as you go,’ Karkat accuses.

‘No, okay, so …’ this would be so much less awkward if you hadn’t taken his blood earlier. ‘Feeding is, like, strangely connected with sex. And it doesn’t make sense for a vampire to limit the menu to half the population. Maybe not so much now, but there used to be places where women weren’t allowed or where the population was so small … I don’t make the rules, bro. I was gay as a fuckin’ meatball before this.’

Dave gives a little laugh.

‘Kanaya,’ Rose says quietly.

Kanaya turns to her and frowns with confusion.

‘I know this isn’t perfect, but I am so glad you’re alive.’

‘Oh, my dear, my Rose,’ Kanaya says. She turns from you and holds Rose’s hands in her own.

It’s a sweet moment … for about three seconds and then it’s over because Kanaya is lunging for Rose’s neck.

‘Kanaya, stop,’ you say.

Kanaya sits back immediately.

‘I did not mean to do that.’

‘You just need to be on guard. It gets easier,’ you say gently. ‘I guess I don’t want your blood because you’re my kids, not the half-vampire thing.’

‘You motherfuckers cool if I get my nap on?’ Gamzee asks. Right, Gamzee’s still around. You wonder how much of this he’s taking in.

‘Take my bed, kid, second door on the right,’ you say. Gamzee nods and slouches away. ‘You guys should sleep too. Kanaya, I’m afraid that’s not on the cards for us, but that’s not a bad thing. You have questions, right?’

‘Rose, wanna all sleep with Gamzee tonight?’ Dave says.

Damn, your kid is nice. Not letting her be alone. Not making it a weird third wheel thing. Nice kid.

The kids go to bed and Kanaya takes a long shower, getting all her grave off her. You sit on the other side of the door, listening to her cry, hating that the boundaries are all weird. If it wasn’t for Rose, you’d be in there with her, holding her through it. Stupid vampire bullshit. When she comes out, she looks a lot calmer and you sit together in the lounge, answering all her questions. She’s obviously intelligent. You have no idea what to do about her parents. You assume you’ll have to hypnotise them to get them to accept why Kanaya won’t be going out in the sunshine. It’d be easier if she moved in with you. You could homeschool her with Dave. Not that she has any time pressure on learning. Not that she can go to university in person. Not that she could have a normal career.

You frequently have to move away from her, not noticing until you’re far too close that you’ve been moving towards each other again. Stupid vampire bullshit. You find yourself mentally counting down the time until you can reasonably expect the kids to be awake. Until you can have a buffer.

You tell her about your jobs. About Roxy. You tell her how you loved your sire and how you moved on from him. You tell her you’re sure it will be easier for her because you’ll never encourage her, there’s no history between the two of you. You neglect to tell her that you don’t know if you would have gotten over Luke if he hadn’t died. You’re not willing to kill yourself just so your kid is less uncomfortable.

You are so relieved when Karkat is the first to wake up. Predictably, he looks incredibly grumpy. You didn’t think he would be a morning person.

‘Coffee?’ he asks, his eyes squinted almost all the way closed. There is literally no natural light in the room. His eyes apparently don’t care.

‘Uh, I don’t know. Does Dave drink coffee?’ You flash to the kitchen and start opening cupboards. He follows. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ you tell him.

He shoves you out of the way and manages to find a coffee pot and grounds. Do your kids drink coffee? Do they put the pot away after they use it? That doesn’t seem like Dave. You know nothing.

Karkat doesn’t speak while the coffee brews or while he waits for the coffee to cool down. You might not have drunk coffee in a while, but you feel like you shouldn’t trust people who drink it black, especially at 16.

You just watch him as his frown becomes less pronounced.

‘Did you sleep well?’ you ask.

‘Yeah, don’t know how. Maybe my sleeping issues for the past decade have all been because I didn’t have enough limbs stabbing me as I slept. Those ball fondlers do not know how to keep to their own spaces.’

‘Yeah, Dave used to get his feet right in my back,’ you say.

Karkat looks at you oddly. Oh, right, ‘cause you don’t sleep.

‘No, like, because he had real troubles with nightmares and Jane said she just let her kid get into bed with her when he had bad dreams, so I just swapped it round, got into bed with him when he needed it.’

‘What did you do all night?’ Kanaya asks.

‘It gets easier. To be awake. Wish iPhones had been a thing then, though.’

‘You’re not actually a shit dad, are you?’ Karkat says, his eyes narrowed.

‘Oh, I absolutely am. Just … accidentally?’

Karkat continues to look at you suspiciously. And then his expression becomes more confused. God damn it, your arm’s round Kanaya again. You take it back and put your hands forcefully in your hoodie pocket. She shifts away as well.

‘Are you struggling with this?’ he asks.

You don’t know what to say, you hate talking in general, talking about emotions, about things that don’t have proper words, where you have to make metaphors but keep those metaphors normal … it’s just too hard.

‘I’ll help. Dave too. We’ll distract you.’

You hope that he can see that you’re grateful because you have no idea how to express that. “ Thanks for cockblocking me ”?

When Rose comes out an hour later, Karkat’s letting Kanaya measure him and you’re sketching smuppet costumes for him. Dave would freak out so bad if you could convince Karkat to wear this. Rose heads straight for the coffee that Karkat’s been periodically returning to ( is he so angry because of the caffeine? ) and there’s one mystery solved. She sits next to you to drink it.

‘Thank you,’ she says.

You nod.

‘I’m going to be staying here, at least for a little bit,’ Kanaya says, not looking up from the measuring tape she’s holding to Karkat’s neck. She’s so clearly focused that you think she’s probably avoiding eye contact on purpose. ‘I was hoping we could spend some time together.’ She makes a note and then looks at Rose. ‘I promise I won’t bite.’

‘That sounds nice,’ Rose says. She sips at her coffee, looking perfectly content. You assume she’s actually tense, but you honestly can’t tell. You really haven’t known her that long. You wish you had some automatic dad sensor.

‘I was thinking that maybe you should bite her,’ you say. All eyes snap to you. ‘What? It forms a bond. You already love each other, maybe that extra bit will push it over the edge.’

‘But I do not feel a bond to Gamzee,’ Kanaya says.

‘Wait until you see him again to say that.’

You expect Kanaya to look at you quizzically. You don’t expect Karkat to suddenly hunch over like he’s flinching from the world.

‘Oh, kid, Jesus.’ You sigh. ‘I’ve been like this a while. I got a scootch of protectiveness for you, but I promise that’s as far as it goes.’

Karkat relaxes slightly, but he’s still all folded in on himself. You thought he was getting more comfortable with you. You fight down the urge to make him more comfortable easily. Yeah, you’ve been doing this a while. You know what to watch out for. You're real glad he didn't react that way when you said that feeding was a weird sex thing. Probably didn't pick up on the implication. You don't fancy reassuring both your kids partners that you're not going to sleep with them. God damn, why is your life like this?

Dave walks into the room looking like he always does. You’re not quite sure if he waits in bed until he’s fully awake or if he’s trained himself to get alert quicker, because he seems to be the only teenager who can function right away. You guess you encourage that, shoving puppets in his face when you think his guard’s getting too sloppy. He pats Karkat on the head as a good morning and you pointedly turn away so they can kiss or whatever. You wrinkle your face when you hear the sloppiest kiss you have ever heard in your life happening behind you. When it ends, you give Dave the finger, but he’s swaggering to the fridge like he’s hot shit. You follow him, holding your finger out until he takes notice of it.

‘So, Gamzee is still asleep?’ Kanaya says.

‘Yeah, don’t know how. He’s like a squiddle, he just latches onto whatever’s near.’

‘Did he squiddle snuggle you, bro?’ you ask him.

Dave’s ears go red as he sips from his apple juice.

You decide not to push it.

‘Okay, well now that the main characters are all awake, I can tell you what the plan is,’ you say. ‘Kanaya is staying here for a bit. We’re playing the how long of it by ear. I know I make it look easy, but she’s got shit to learn so I gotta teach her. We’re gonna tell her parents something but we don’t know what yet. She’s got nice parents that she wants to stay in touch with so any input on stories would be appreciated. They’ll believe me whatever I tell them and they’ll be okay with me taking her. I’ve given her a lot to think about so I’ll let her go to you guys in her own time with most of it. The real important bit is that she’s here to stay and as weird as it is, she’s just as much my kid as you two are. I made her how she is, all on purpose. Ground rules: no sun. No making her angry. If you think she’s gonna have any kinda emotional reaction, you call me in, don’t care how awkward it is. Dave, go get bacon and sausages and OJ for breakfast.’

‘What? No one here drinks orange juice? Why doesn’t Rose have to go?’

‘Because vitamin C is fucking important for iron absorption, so get the shit from the fridge, not the processed shelf crap. And because I said so is why.’

Dave grumbles a bit more but is considerably quieter about it when Karkat volunteers to go with him. You stuff a $50 bill down the back of his pants to cover the costs and then flash away before he can accuse you. He still does. But you have plausible deniability. There is no one in your apartment who stands up for you when you protest and you guess you’re okay with that.

Chapter Text

It’s a relief to get out of the apartment. You know that you should have more patience with Kanaya. You know she has been thrust into your world without warning and that has to suck. You know she doesn’t want your weirdo connection any more than you do. But fuck, it’s a relief to get out of the apartment.

Lil Cal sits on your shoulder as you walk to the club. You get some looks and you tell your puppet buddy it’s because he’s looking so fly and give him a fistbump.

When you get to the club, Darryl asks you both for your ID as he always does. Fucker thinks it’s funny. You kinda do, too. You flash around Cal, have him take out the stupid pretend license you made for him. It’s made out of felt. Your image doesn’t budge, Cal sitting on your shoulder and leaning down to hand his license. Darryl’s pretty short for a security guy, but he’s built like a tank. You’ve seen him throw guys your size out before no worries. You hand your ID too, it says you’re 26 now, makes you glad that all 20-somethings just look like 20-somethings. Kanaya is gonna have trouble with this.

Darryl nods, fistbumps Cal and you’re in. You hear a guy behind the rope complain and Darryl tell him you’re the talent, don’t you recognise Bro and Cal, you stupid fuck? You grab a beer from the bar for appearances and make your way to the booth. They give them to you for free and you’ve been told off for getting drunk before, which is hilarious. You don’t need booze to act like an asshole, can’t blame it on the beers you leave in random spots around the club, but it’s kinda nice to have the excuse. Cronus, the manager, has apologised on your behalf and said “he’s actually a good guy when he’s sober,” which again, hilarious.

Someone’s been messing with your booth again. You’ll sic Cal on Cronus later, make him threaten his manhood or something. Maybe you’ll incorporate it in your rap battle. Yeah, actually, that’s what you’ll do. Cal can freak the fuck out over the integrity of his workspace. You sift through rhymes while you connect your laptop in, leaving yourself wriggle room to improvise.

‘Dirk Strider?’ someone asks you.

You glare down at the guy interrupting you.

Not as far down as usual. Holy shit, this guy’s huge.

‘Bro,’ you correct.

‘I’m not your bro,’ the guy spits. ‘Are you Dirk Strider or not?’

You look at him over your shades so he can see how unimpressed your eyes are.

‘Yes, but I go by Bro. See all the promo shit? I’m Bro, this is Lil Cal, I’m about to do my fuckin’ show, do you mind?’

The guy glares at you and then turns abruptly. You watch him head for the bar. You don’t know how he knows your name, especially if he doesn’t know your face. You would remember sleeping with that guy. He looks like he could rip you in half. Which should not be an interesting and arousing thought. You return your focus to your gear. When you have it sorted like you want it, you text Cronus to let him know you’re ready when he is.

TT: Ready.

CA: giwve me 10

TT: Give me another fuckin’ beer.

CA: you better not get pissed tonight

TT: Maybe I have stage fright. Maybe I need a little liquid courage.

CA: you hawvent been frightened by shit in your life

TT: Frightened of your dick. Maybe the beer’ll help with that too.

CA: dont ewven joke about that id hawve you in a hot second

TT: I generally prefer my partners to last longer than that.

CA: fuck you

He brings the beer over himself. You have Cal slap him on the ass. He glares at you. You thought you’d probably sleep with him a few years ago and decided to be open about your puppets, figuring that if anyone was gonna accept them, it could very well be the guy who saw how good you were with them. And who just reeked of desperation (thank you, divorce). Puppets were a deal breaker, so you told him you didn’t have sex without them and sent him a link to your porn. You think he buys it every now and again, you have a lot of commenters who type like dickheads, but the wv thing stands out. He’s probably getting used to watching it so he can sleep with you eventually. You’d give him a discount on his own smuppet if you thought it would lead to you getting to bring someone else in on it. Hell, Cronus is hot enough that you could eventually see him featuring in the porn with you. You could mess that kid up nicely.

Cronus gives you the signal and you pretend to finish off the beer (lid’s still on) and then start the show. You start with a Cal solo, keeping your image in your booth while he paces the stage, dances like a little gangsta and fistbumps the crowd. After two songs, he goads you into a rap battle and you leave your booth on a base beat and rap with him. He gives you shit for letting people mess with your gear, for being in love with the gear and then for being gay, all pretty normal stuff. You give him shit for being a puppet and having a tiny dick, for living in your cupboard and make a “coming out of the closet” joke. He tells you that if you’re reading shit into it he’s not gonna let you cuddle him to sleep anymore. You pretend outrage. It’s funny and the music’s good and the crowd is eating it up. You swap places, letting Cal take over the booth and do your own solo. You tend to keep your solos to a minimum, it’s frustrating making Cal’s huge mittens use the sliders and keyboard while you’re focussing on the crowd. You love this job, it’s easily your favourite of the three. You feel challenged, mentally and physically by this. You also like pretending to be Matthew McConaughey from Magic Mike on the stage.

Cal does his last song, laughs creepily and then you have him flash onto a regular’s shoulders. She freaks out a bit at first, but then bumps fists with him with a giggle. You walk out to retrieve him.

‘Leave the poor girl alone, Cal, your tiny dick would make her cry,’ you tell him so she can hear.

‘Lil-lil Cal is a fucking masterpiece of shlong and you know it, fucker,’ he tells you.

You shrug at her apologetically and make for the bar. Cal blows her a kiss over your shoulder.

You lean against the bar and are slid a beer almost immediately. Cal fistbumps the bartender, you have to leap the bar to do it, but you’re too fast for anyone to see. The giant from before your show catches your eye as you contemplate going home or hanging about a bit longer.

He’s so angry. Has your show offended him? God, you hope so. You love offending people.

He makes his way over to you. When someone doesn’t get out of his way, he shoves him. You think he might make you look like a gentleman in comparison. You wonder if puppets would be a deal breaker for him.

‘Dirk Strider,’ he says.

‘I really prefer Bro,’ you say.

‘I want to play a game,’ he says.

‘Ooh,’ you say, looking over your shades at him. You want him to see you checking him out. ‘A sexy game?’

‘No. Fuck you. A game, in which you do not know what I want, but then it turns out that I wanted to kill you all along, and then you die.’

You look at him blankly. You kind of want to laugh.

‘But now I know what will happen,’ you point out.

‘Yes. But you will not believe me, because you won’t think that I am serious about your murder. And even though I told you I would kill you, you will still be surprised when it happens.’

‘Alright.’

‘Don’t fuck with me, Dirk Strider. I want to play this game with you.’

‘Yeah, alright, I’ll play.’

‘If you fail the game, there will be consequences.’

‘I just agreed to play the game.’

‘But if you fail by losing the game.’

‘What, like if I fail at getting killed? Wouldn't that be on you? What consequences have you got that are worse than death?’

‘I will also kill my sister.’

You smirk at him slightly.

‘Do you think I’ll value a stranger’s life more than my own?’ you ask.

‘Well, for me, it’s a win-win. I want to kill her anyway. I just make it an element to all the games that I play, because then it will have more foreshadowing and poetic justice. These are important narrative elements, Dirk Strider.’

‘Okay … Sorry, I don’t know your name. You really have done this introduction thing poorly.’

‘I have done this introduction thing perfectly,’ he says. When he grins like that, you see the glint of a gold tooth. You hope he’s a mobster. That would be so perfect.

‘So, what’s your name?’ you ask.

He laughs cruelly. You wait for him to stop. He leans in close to your ear.

‘Caliborn. You can call me Cal.’

‘Okay,’ you say peaceably.

‘How very ironic. That the one who will kill you shares a name with your angry felt man.’

‘He’s a puppet, dude, that’s a common word. And how is that ironic?’

‘Yes, very ironic indeed,’ he says, grinning at you.

‘Cal, are you drunk?’ you ask.

‘No.’

‘Cal, most people don’t threaten people with death in their first conversation. You didn’t even offer to pay for my beer. I’m not sure my feelings can handle this.’

‘What? No, death threats are just how I express myself,’ he says. ‘Don’t try to censor the way I talk, Dirk Strider. That is discrimination and I will not stand for it.’

He might get a point for that. It is truly a master who can get offended at someone mildly implying that they haven’t been polite by threatening them to death. You can win the game, though.

‘Okay. Do I gotta do anything to participate in this? Or just be a willing corpse? Are you going to fuck my dead body, Cal? Keep it in your pantry for months, just keeping it there for when you want to get off? Will you puppet me like I puppet Lil Cal? Will my rhymes still be as dope when I’m dead? Could I play dead for you for a while so I get something out of it too?’

‘No. That is … No.’ He looks at you with an uncomfortable half-glaring expression. When will the weirdos ever learn that you can’t freak out Dirk Motherfucking Strider? Kinda a shame, you totally would have played dead if it turned out that was what got this guy going. You’ve done kinkier things. He has ridiculously cute cheeks for a weirdo gangsta stalker. ‘Okay. We’re done here. This game is over.’

You pout and have Lil Cal slap him on the ass as he walks away. Lil Cal waves his little hand at Caliborn when he shoots a glare over his shoulder.

You resign yourself to the fact that nothing important is going to happen tonight. This was just a brief intermission in your new life as shitty guardian to a growing number of kids. You briefly regret not giving Caliborn a card with a link to your porn site on it. Some of the weirdos that stalk you pay your bills. You really enjoy not having to be afraid of humans.

When you get home, Rose is asleep with her head on Kanaya’s lap and Kanaya is embroidering fabric with lightning fast movements.

‘Hey Kanaya,’ you say quietly. ‘Want me to pop your silly human to bed?’

‘Oh,’ Kanaya says. ‘I did not realise it was so late. Yes, I should have done that. Her neck will be sore.’

‘She’ll be fine,’ you say. You ease Rose into your arms and carry her to her room. At least she’s in pyjamas. You tuck her into bed and leave Cal at her feet before going back to Kanaya.

‘Sewing’s a good hobby, in our position,’ you say. ‘Quiet and precise, keeps the hands busy. Can be complicated and keep the mind busy or can be straight forward.’

Kanaya nods.

‘Did you do anything else while I was gone?’

‘Rose told me about the book she is reading.’

‘Could you focus on it?’

Kanaya hesitates and frowns a little.

‘Yes, actually. I find that when Rose speaks my mind doesn’t wander as much.’

‘And me?’

Kanaya’s mouth twists downwards.

‘Everything you say is vitally important to me. I don’t like to be without you.’

‘I know. It’ll get easier.’ You think. You loved Luke like that until he died and then some more after that. ‘It’s a good sign that Rose stands out too,’ you say. It’s probably the truth.

‘Dirk, she’s a night-light next to the sun,’ Kanaya says, and suddenly she’s on top of you, legs around your waist. You kiss her automatically before your brain catches up to your tongue and then oh shit, kissing her is so nice, no, you shove her shoulder back. She catches your lips in her teeth, before she lets you go. You really struggle to avoid kissing her again. You lean forward and have to tip your forehead on her shoulder instead. She smells so good, fuck. You find yourself nibbling at her skin before, no, fuck, stop.

‘Kanaya, get off me,’ you say.

She obeys, of course she obeys. Holy fuck, you need to not be turned on by your kid’s girlfriend. Down, dick, shit.

‘Kanaya …’ you say, and she’s back again. Her hands are soft against your face. You let yourself lean in for half a second and then flash step away. Fuck. Fuck. You thought you were bad at being a biological dad, you are so much worse at being a vampire dad. Though, to be fair, this probably counts as being bad at both.

‘Go stand in the kitchen,’ you tell her and you flashstep to your room and lean against the door. You breathe deeply and find your composure. You walk back to the kitchen.
‘Sorry, you can be wherever you want,’ you tell her. ‘Just try to keep your distance.’

‘That was not me,’ she says, and she is so upset, you want to go and hold her but you won’t be going anywhere near her for a while after that. ‘I mean, it was, but I don’t want that, I swear. I can resist it.’

‘Yes, you can. We both can. Everything will be alright.’ You don’t know if you’re saying that to comfort her or to hypnotise her into making it true. ‘I’m going to my room.’

You feel a bit bad for leaving her alone again, but you really need the distance. You wish you knew another vampire that you could foist her off onto, who could look after her and teach her until she’s ready to be independent. You don’t have the first clue about how you would go about contacting a vampire. Who would?

Chapter Text

You have three jobs. You have your shows with Cal, once a week at Cronus’s club. You have your smuppets. And then you have your porn. You were obsessive about numbers before you were turned and it’s only gotten a lot worse since. You once read an old story where a woman escaped a vampire by scattering beans on the floor and the vampire compulsively counted them all and was caught in the sun. You hope you’re not that bad, fuck that would be a dumb way to die, but you still have a pretty precise schedule that you don’t like to deviate from. Change makes you anxious. There has been so much change lately.

Tuesdays are Cal nights. Thursdays you film your porn. Fridays you edit and post it. Mondays you make sure Dave’s homeschool shit is all filed with the proper people. The other days you fit in sewing and robotics and music around Dave’s schedule. And, you guess Rose and Kanaya’s, now. Dave knows he has to get out of the apartment on Thursdays so you can work at the very least, and Rose fitted well into that. But Kanaya can’t go out during the day and you’re don’t trust her outside at night, even with you there yet (which would rather defeat the purpose) and you always film a couple weeks in advance just in case but you already used those wiggle room tapes with all the drama going on with Rose and Christmas.

So on Thursday, you give Kanaya your best pair of noise cancelling headphones, kick Dave and Rose out and stand in your room, wondering where to start. You set your camera up facing the bed, because that makes sense. You don’t play music while you’re filming because you add that in post, but knowing that Kanaya is in the other room is making you feel very self conscious of that. Music would … help. Somehow.

Okay, start with the easy stuff. Smuppet on smuppet, no need to make noises because you can mix that tomorrow, too. You flash around, working the camera and moving the smuppets. You have one with a frankly ridiculously sized nose roughly take one of your smaller ones up the plush rump, showing off their size capabilities, the way the smuppet oozes lube. After drawing that out for almost twenty minutes, you change the sheets and set up the next scene.

Okay, you’ve done some pretty theatrical stuff over the years, maybe you’ll play it straight today. Show off how you can use these bad boys on your own, no flashstepping trickery to make it look like you’re getting gang-banged by a horde of bulbous felt noses. Just a good old fashioned mastabatory promo for your products.

You still need to flashstep so you can film yourself, but it’s not as taxing without doing the smuppets as well. You can enjoy yourself a bit. You choose your smuppets and an outfit and step in front of the camera.

You’re real glad you can edit out the awkwardness. You get yourself warmed up, stretching your limbs out. Okay, you’re going to go for the amateur kink, the shy kid filming himself and not knowing what he’s doing thing. Of course, you’re still you, your regulars won’t be fooled at all and you’re pretty buff to be trying to play innocent, but you can make it work.

You pretend to fumble with the camera, re-angling it as if you don’t know what you’re doing. You give it a shy smile and fake a little stumble on the way to your bed. You bite your lip and take a breath before you take your shirt off, too quickly to be sexy, you’re playing at nervous, at inexperienced. You look around before you throw your shirt off camera and there’s fun here, in pretending like you don’t know what you’re going to do before you do it. You flash behind the camera, zoom in a little and throw your bed image a smuppet. You catch it clumsily. You lick at your lips and then bite at them. You look at the smuppet doubtfully. You look behind the camera at your imaginary partner. Because yeah, the character your playing, he hasn’t come up with this himself. His boyfriend’s working the camera, giving him instructions. You’re playing submissive with your usual persona.

You blush and look back down at the smuppet again. You learned how to do that on cue back when you were still human, when you thought it might endear you to other people. You can’t pull it off usually, your size and the rest of your personality gets in the way, but you’re playing a role here. You look in the lens as you drag the thick blue nose down your neck, down your chest. It bounces when it snags on your hip. You take a shuddery breath and drag it back up again. You graze your growing erection and admire the way the foam gives way to your cock through your jeans. You trace random patterns on your chest and legs, watching the smuppet in your hands. You snap your head up to the point past the camera, to your imaginary director. You’ll add his voice in later. Take your pants off, he’ll say.

You take your time with your pants, not feeling the need to play up the nervous, eager, submissive role you’ve given yourself to the point of ridiculousness. You flirt with the camera a bit, using flashstep to zoom in and angle closer as you slowly unbutton and unzip your jeans. You actually are wearing underwear for once, plain black briefs. You were tempted to wear some of your lingerie, you get a certain thrill out of seeing black lace over cocks, but you’re playing innocent. You slide your jeans off gracefully and go to pull your briefs off too. Not yet, your director will say, just as you expose the smallest hint of cock. You pull them back up, not quite as far, leaving that v of muscle leading to your groin exposed. You leave the smuppet for a bit, teasing your half naked body, pinching your nipples and scratching at your legs. You catch a second smuppet your flashstepped self throws at you and grip one in each hand, pulling them over your body. While the first one is soft and squishy, the new one has a coarse black fabric that feels incredible on your skin and you close your eyes to enjoy the contrasting textures. You let loose a low moan of pleasure.

You bite your lip and look past the camera again.

‘Please,’ you say to your imaginary director. You have to say it out loud, it would be a pain in the ass to sync up later. Kanaya has headphones, you remind yourself.

Not yet, the director will reply.

You groan and let your movements get messier. You drift to your cock more often and let the tension build. Finally, you let yourself get fully naked. You don’t tease, you just rip your underwear off, tearing the fabric, showing off your strength. You stroke yourself, alternating between the soft and coarser smuppets until your cock starts to leak precome and you are feeling legitimately frustrated. You knead at the coarser puppets rump, pulling it back to reveal the hole. The black fabric of the smuppet contrasts beautifully with the red internal work. It opens wider at your hands gently work it, and then the mechanics inside activate and it starts to self-lubricate. You zoom the camera in to a very close shot to capture the moment when your dick enters the leaking puppet. You give a proper porn moan at the feeling. You slide it down until you’re completely inside it and then pull it off, slowly, so slowly, capturing the slick wetness it leaves behind.

‘Fffuck,’ you groan, and then you enter it again, again. You moan as you hit a rhythm, throw your head back, arch your hips. You zoom out and show off your whole body reacting to the smuppet. You flash behind camera to throw yourself another smuppet, this one pink. You let it hit you in the face and break off a moan half way through.
Gotta show me how else you can use it, your director will say.

You widen your eyes and lick your lips. Only the tip of your cock is inside the black smuppet. You sit up on the bed and look around it, as if you don’t know how to do this.

Use the headboard.

You let your eyes find the leather ankle cuff already affixed to the headboard. You don’t play cute, there’s no way your viewers actually want to see someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, but you pull your ankle up slowly and pretend to be self conscious about how much of you is exposed.

Now flash stepping is difficult, but you still manage to zoom in nicely on your ass. Now that it’s zoomed, you can keep your ankle free, just pretend it’s still bound so you can operate the camera, again, difficult, but not impossible. If you fuck up and your image winks out, you can edit it so it’s smooth again. You hook your ankle around one of the bars of your bed frame to keep it steady as you pump your black smuppet a bit more, finding your balance.

You let it rest on your cock as you reach for the pink smuppet. It’s smaller than you usually use, but hey, this is supposed to be your first time. You slide the nose down your extended leg and shiver as it gets closer to your groin. Delicious. You fucking love smuppets. This never gets old. You let the nose nudge your asshole, circling closer, closer. You squeeze his nose and get the lube flowing. You zoom in on the dripping liquid and then ease it in your hole. Gorgeous. You groan and wriggle a little. You slowly push the smuppet deeper inside, panting, cursing, fucking yourself so fucking slowly. Nice. You move both of the smuppets in tandem. It’s harder to do the camera work now, so you leave it at midrange while you work yourself. You gasp and pump harder, faster. Fucking, nice, so good.

‘Nggh, fuck, fuck,’ you moan.

You drag it out a bit longer, savouring it, and then make sure to time your orgasm so that it’s on an out stroke. You spill over the black smuppet as your pink smuppet dives deep in you. You love your fucking job. You smirk at the camera, showing off your glow and let the smuppet pop out of your ass. You breathe heavily for a bit and then shut off the camera. You flash to the bathroom and take a shower, quick by your standards.

You dress and go back to the lounge to let Kanaya know she can take her headphones off. She pulls the headphones to her neck and looks up at you.

‘I’m afraid they do not cancel the noise entirely,’ she says.

‘No, they’re more for ambient noise. Work nice on airplanes.’

She looks up at you with her newly green eyes and you have to look away. You do not like this bond. You’ve literally just come and her gaze makes you want to throw her down, tear off her clothes, bite her—fuck, that got more detailed than you wanted.

You flash over to the kitchen and open the fridge, take note of how full it is. You can feel her eyes still on you. You don’t want to imagine how it must feel for her, all this stupid vampire tension and she just heard you in all your dramatised porny glory. It couldn’t have been worse even if she had seen you at it. The smuppets might have actually turned her off.

Holy shit, are you getting turned on by the memory of your own noises?

You need to message Ellie or something. You need to displace this attraction right the fuck now.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: How far away are you?

TT: Tavros and I just ran into Gamzee.

TT: I do not think this is happenstance.

TT: Tavros is pretending ignorance of Gamzee’s affections.

TT: Is there a single straight kid in your group?

TT: No.

TT: We are a glorious rainbow.

TT: It is somewhat of a bonding factor.

TT: Do you need me to come home? Is Kanaya okay?

TT: She’s fine. Everything’s fine.

TT: I was just seeing how much time I have.

TT: Was gonna train Kanaya a bit, thought I’d make sure the fragile humans weren’t around.

TT: I see.

TT: I’ll message you on my way home, then. I expect I’ll be at least another hour.

TT: Righteous.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Yo, how far away are you?

TG: need me to come home?

TT: Need is such a strong word.

TG: things getting weird with kanaya again?

TT: Weird is such a strong … yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

TG: ill bring karkat he makes everything better

TT: Thanks, kid.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

You sit as far away on the couch as possible from her and bring up a video game to distract yourself. She watches you play, doesn’t like to play herself. By the time Dave and Karkat walk in the door, not ten minutes later, you are sitting right next to one another again.

‘Fuck,’ you say, and you move away again.

‘Fuck,’ Kanaya agrees.

‘We got this, Bro,’ Dave says. ‘You go chill in your room or something.’

You don’t need to be told twice.

You decide to check on the comment section of your porn site, something that never fails to distract you. At first it was dominated by your own bots, getting into fights with each other and saying inane shit, 12 separate personalities just bouncing off one another. But, over the years, perhaps encouraged by your artificial trolls, real people have more than taken up the helm. You don’t believe in deleting comments. You have actively tried to have the most disturbing chat room around, there’s no point censoring anything. You don’t respond to most of them, but you read them all and have almost developed friendships with some of your regulars. You kinda love your weirdo following.

A new guy has taken over the comments in the last week. You’re not entirely sure if he hates you or wants to fuck you. You think it’s probably both. He seems to have an even more perverse reaction to the more innocent videos than the hardcore stuff. Like the one you kinda posted as a joke with you just staring into the smuppet’s eyes, occasionally stroking it lovingly. He bought the full version, not just content with watching the preview on your site.

You decide to enter the fray.

Admin: You know you can buy an exact replica of this smuppet on my store.

Admin: In fact, I’d let the original used in this video go, if you wanted.

undyingumbrage: I WOuLD NEVER DO THESE DISGuSTING THINGS.

Admin: I was just offering to sell you a smuppet, you don’t have to fuck it.

undyingumbrage: OH. I WOuLD FuCK THE LITTLE ELF CREATuRE. I WOuLD JuST NEVER BE SO AFFECTIONATE TO THE THING.

Admin: No judgement here. I happen to think the smuppets make exceptional cuddle buddies.

undyingumbrage: YOu DEPRAVED FuCK. ARE YOu SAYING. THAT YOu CuDDLE THESE AWFuL CREATuRES. NOT JuST THIS STROKING.

Admin: Sometimes.

undyingumbrage: I DO NOT BELIEVE YOu.

Admin: Well, I do offer commission videos. Want me to prove it?

undyingumbrage: YOu ARE NOT JuST THE HuMAN ADMIN. YOu ARE ALSO THE STAR.

Admin: Yes. Exceptional way of phrasing that, by the way.

undyingumbrage: HOW DO I GET THE CuDDLE VIDEO.

undyingumbrage: ARE YOu NOT APPALLED BY HOW AROuSED I AM BY THE VERY IDEA OF THIS?

undyingumbrage: uSING THESE FELT FRIENDS AS SuRROGATES FOR ROMANTIC FEELING. IS SO VERY. *DIRRRRTY*.

Admin: I mean, I do porn for a living. Maybe my standards are a little lower than most.

undyingumbrage: YES. YESSSS. AND YOu CANNOT CONNECT TO HuMANS THE WAY YOu CONNECT. TO THESE PuPPETS. BOTH WITH YOuR PATHETIC COCK. AND WITH YOuR. FEELINGS.

Admin: Ouch. Being accused of being emotional stunted and of having a subpar penis.

Admin: Is this part of it? Should I be charging you money? You want to feel like you’re coercing me into making perhaps the easiest porno of my career?

undyingumbrage: AHAHA. SEE HOW YOu SQUIRM. AVOIDING THE MOMENT. WHERE I WILL SEE YOu SLEEPING.

undyingumbrage: IN VuLNERABILITY. WITH THESE FROG MEN. ALL AROuND YOu.

Admin: You want a lot of smuppets? I thought I was getting my monogamous cuddle on.

undyingumbrage: YOu WOuLD LIKE THAT. TO ONLY HAVE THE ONE. YOu COuLD SLEEP NORMALLY WITH JuST THE ONE. NO IGNORING IT IF THERE ARE HuNDREDS!

undyingumbrage: WILL YOu EVEN BE ABLE TO SLEEP? KNOWING THAT I WILL BE WATCHING. KNOWING THAT I AM GETTING OFF ON IT.

Admin: To be honest, probably not. But I’ll make it look like I am.

undyingumbrage: FuuuuCK. AND ALL THE WHILE. IT IS LIKE I AM THERE. DISTuRBING YOuR REST.

Admin: You want my rest disturbed? You maybe want one of the smuppets to wake me up?

undyingumbrage: I DO NOT uNDERSTAND. HOW THE NOSE GuY. EVEN MOVES ON HIS OWN. HOW WOuLD HE WAKE YOu uP.

Admin: Well, you see, they’re puppets. Even though you insist on calling them something different every time. Puppets are operated by people, that’s how they work.

undyingumbrage: I DON’T uNDERSTAND AND I DON’T WANT TO.

Admin: Fair enough. Let’s say it’s magic, then.

undyingumbrage: THE LEPRECHAUN WILL …

undyingumbrage: COME uPON YOu AS YOu SLEEP?

Admin: If you like. You’re the one running the show.

Admin: Would you expect me to enjoy this awakening?

undyingumbrage: YOu PROBABLY WOuLD. YOu SICK FuCK.

Admin: Probably.

Admin: Of course, I could always find another star. One who might be less … open to such experiences.

undyingumbrage: NO.

undyingumbrage: WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT. IF IT IS NOT YOu WHO SuFFERS.

Admin: What is even the point, indeed.

undyingumbrage: THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED.

Admin: Game?

undyingumbrage: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE GAME.

Admin: Okay.

Admin: I’ll send you an invoice. If you pay it, you get your video.

This might be the easiest porn you have ever filmed, at least the first half. You love it when your own kinks overlap with your commissions.

Chapter Text

Three weeks after you changed Kanaya and hypnotised her parents into thinking it isn’t a big deal that their daughter has suddenly gone missing, you decide to give her a trial run outside.

You give her Audrey Hepburn shades and spend five minutes binding her to you with a series of instructions about how she’s not allowed to hurt anyone, she has to stay close to you, she has to check in with you every five minutes. Dave and Rose listen on the couch. You somehow managed to keep it a family only event. Your trial run is to go to a diner, order food and sit there calmly while Dave and Rose eat and then walk home. If she can focus on conversation, keep to human speed and doesn’t react poorly to anything, you’ll have another go in a couple of nights, somewhere else, without all the mental guards. You’ll go hang out with Karkat and Gamzee. You’ll do unexpected things, make sure Kanaya doesn’t freak out. When you’re satisfied she won’t eat them, you’ll take her to see her parents.

Rose walks hand in hand with Kanaya ahead of you and Dave. You listen to Dave ramble as you watch Kanaya like a hawk.

‘So, I guess your OCD has come in useful for once,’ Dave says.

‘I don’t have OCD,’ you say automatically.

‘Fine, your obsessive planning thing,’ he says.

You shrug.

‘How many plans have you written out for tonight?’

‘Well, they’re all one plan. There’s just a lot of things that could happen.’

‘Do I even want to see it?’

‘No. And shut up.’

‘Woah, Bro, you schooled me with that amazing argument. It’s like, who is this wordsmith? You just know that dude uses his words for a living , like that is a persuasive son of a bitch. All these people lining up to hear his phat rhymes, tripping over one another, jostling. One kid cuts in the queue, eager to hear the lyrical genius and there’s a fuckin’ riot on our hands, what are we gonna do, when will Bro Strider put these ding dongs out of their misery?’

‘For the fuckin’ record, I could beat your ass into the ground any day and you know it. And my planning has been useful several times.’

‘You wanna go?’ Dave asks, perfect bro voice, he’s just so good at this.

‘You wanna go?’ you say back.

You stop walking so you can chest bump each other and then keep going as if nothing happened.

‘But seriously, how much are you freaking out right now?’

‘I’m not freaking out!’ you protest. ‘My plan is solid, it’ll work, everything’s fine.’

‘She seems to be doing alright so far.’

‘Yeah, better than I did,’ you admit.

The girls pause at the door of the diner to let a guy out. A giant guy. A familiar guy.

‘Cal!’ you say.

‘Dirk Strider,’ he says.

You don’t bother to correct him.

‘Kids, this is Caliborn. Caliborn, these are my kids.’ You don’t give him names. ‘Kids, Cal is going to be the one who murders me.’

Cal grins at that.

‘Where is your plush child? Human children are boring.’

You drop Lil Cal out of your sylladex and have him wave his hand.

‘Uh …’ Dave says.

You flashstep Lil Cal onto Dave’s shoulder.

‘What’s up, lil bro?’ you ask Dave.

‘You just introduce us to your murderer?’

‘Yes. It will be a magnificent game,’ Cal says, grinning at Dave. His grin is so creepy, you love it.

Wait.

Game.

He calls Lil Cal something weird every time, never just puppet.

Those fragmented sentences.

‘You’re undying umbrage!’

Caliborn’s face flickers a bit, but then he smirks.

‘You have figured out my puzzle,’ he says. ‘This earns you, maybe … five points. But I already have 100 points and you will never catch up.’

‘You’re a bona fide stalker,’ you say, delighted. ‘Wait, are you here for me?’

Cal grins at you again. You want to lick his face.

‘I thought you didn’t know any other vampires,’ Kanaya says.

You all snap to stare at her.

You drag your gaze back to Cal. You step closer to him and inhale deeply. No, he doesn’t smell like food. He smells delicious, but in an entirely not-food kind of way. You’d forgotten the difference. You still kinda want to bite him, but yeah, not to feed. Just because you’re turned on by biting.

‘She’s stealing your points, Dirk Strider,’ Cal says.

‘Kanaya, go for a walk around the block with Rose,’ you say.

They leave.

‘Dave, how bout you hang outside for a bit.’

He nods and shifts to lean against the window. He flicks out his iPhone from his pocket and looks for all the world a disinterested teenager.

‘Comin’ inside?’ you ask Cal.

‘Are you asking me on a date, Dirk Strider?’

‘Sure,’ you say.

He grins and the two of you walk inside the diner and take a booth.

‘So, are you going to kill me tonight?’ you ask him.

‘No. You will not see it coming.’

A waitress comes around and you tell her to leave you be. You take off your shades, you don’t need them with another vampire. And yeah, his eyes are red, you should have realised he wasn’t human. Not red like Dave’s, but a kind of deep, molten red. You could be excused from thinking it was a dark brown in a dark club.

‘You gonna involve my kids in this?’

‘No. Not yet. Maybe … After you are dead, I could move on to them. I don’t know. I don’t really care about killing them.’

You frown at him slightly.

‘Why do you care about killing me?’

He just grins.

Okay, too obvious a question.

‘You know how you’re going to do it?’ you ask, leaning close to him. ‘You gonna get off on it?’

‘Dead people are boring. I like the bit where they die, but they’re nothing when they are dead.’

‘Is it because I’m a vamp?’ you ask.

He grins again, but in a way that makes you think you’re right. Is he doing a Blade thing, hunting other vampires using vampire powers? But how does he justify his own life? And really, are vampires so bad?

‘You know,’ you say, changing tactics, ‘I haven’t been with another vamp since my master died. Be nice to be able to go all out again.’

‘I’d break you,’ he says, and why does that turn you on?

You aren’t wearing your shades so there’s no way he doesn’t miss the way your eyes dart to his mouth.

‘How did you find me?’

‘You’re not playing by the rules, Dirk Strider,’ he says, waving his hand dismissively.

‘You haven’t told me the rules,’ you say.

‘Okay. The rules. I kill you, you die, obviously. But first, you have to figure out who I am. I don’t just tell you the answers, that’s a shitty game.’

‘Right. Can me seducing you be part of the game?’

Caliborn gives this some thought. You toe off your shoe and trace his calf under the table as he stares into the distance.

‘But I want to kill you,’ he says.

‘Sure. But we’ve got time, right?’

‘I am immortal,’ Caliborn nods.

‘So you could put off killing me for a bit, right?’

He stares into the distance again. You’re not getting the greatest impression of his intelligence. This really isn’t that hard of a concept. You’re not entirely sure he’s aware that your toes are tracing the seam of his jeans, he looks like he’s thinking too hard. You suppress the urge to roll your eyes and look out the window to where Dave is lounging instead. He must feel your gaze and turns his head to you and nods up slightly. Sup ? You wink at him, over-exaggerating the gesture. He shudders and looks back to his phone.

You look back to Caliborn. He’s still thinking. You kick your other shoe off and stroke his foot as your right foot edges closer to his crotch. He doesn’t zone back in until your toes nudge his cock gently. He’s half hard, so clearly his dick’s paying attention to you even if his mind isn’t.

‘I will not kill you tonight,’ Caliborn says.

‘Or tomorrow,’ you insist.

He scowls.

‘Or tomorrow,’ he agrees reluctantly.

‘Let me get rid of my kids,’ you say. ‘Your place or mine?’

‘If we go to your place, will you want to use your plush men?’

‘Yes,’ you say. You wouldn’t feel even a little bit guilty pressuring a dickhead like Caliborn into getting kinky with you. Hard to have boundaries when you’re insisting you’re going to murder your partner after. He can clearly take care of himself. And he’s giving himself an out. No smuppets at his place.

‘We go to yours,’ he says.

Woah.

You’re going to stuff him full with smuppet dong.

You nod, hoping your face is still cool and barely remember to step back into your shoes before you leave the booth, going out to Dave.

He gives you another nod when you step outside and lean against the wall next to him.

‘Nice loitering,’ you say.

‘Nothin’ rhymes with loitering,’ he complains. ‘And it’s such a good word.’

‘Exploit … ering,’ you say.

‘Yeah, that’s pretty good,’ he says. ‘Here’s me sticking to real words like a chump.’

‘Any chance you can go to Egbert’s tonight?’

‘With Rose and Kanaya?’

You nod. No point keeping names secret anymore. If Cal doesn’t know your kids names, he’s a shit stalker and not worth your time. You think he’s probably very worth your time.

‘Her influence is still pretty shit,’ he says.

‘Yours isn’t.’

He chews on his lip.

‘You gonna get killed?’

‘I’m gonna get laid ,’ you say.

He punches in the chest you so fast you don’t even see it coming. It startles a genuine laugh out of you.

‘Don’t fuck your weirdo stalker, Bro!’ he whines. ‘Don’t tell me about it! Don’t make me come home to your dead body covered in fuck knows what!’

‘Dave, he’s into smuppets ,’ you tell him.

He throws up his hands, somehow smoothly captchaloguing his phone at the same time.

‘Dude! That’s it, I’m traumatised, Dave is ruined now.’

You shrug.

‘You were a cool kid while it lasted.’

He punches you again, but you see it coming this time and roll with it so he doesn’t give you a bruise on your shoulder. It takes a lot for you to bruise, but Dave hits fucking hard.

You’re quiet for a minute while he composes himself.

‘Seriously, I get a bad feeling from him,’ he says. ‘How do I know you’re going to be alright?’

‘I’m always alright,’ you say.

‘Yeah, I thought so too, until I saw the fucking sun kick your ass a couple weeks ago. So you got weaknesses and that guy knows them and you’re just going to, what? Take him back to our house ? What happened to my paranoid Bro freaking out because John knows where we live?’

‘People aren’t that bad,’ you say.

‘I’m going to kill Rose,’ Dave says. ‘Getting you all used to society. I’m gonna make her go home first, she can be the one to find your body.’

‘He’s promised not to kill me tonight.’

‘Seems like the kind of dickhead who would wait until just after midnight and kill you on a technicality.’

‘Made him promise not to kill me tomorrow, too.’

‘I should stand guard.’

He’s absolutely serious. He would do that for you. You look at him, at the stubborn set of his jaw, at the way nearly all the baby fat has gone from his face now. He’s still a kid but he’s so responsible. It’s like he’s overcompensated for your lack of rules, made his own up.

‘Kid, you want to be listening to us all night trying to tell the difference between happy noises and unhappy noises?’

‘I don’t want you dying over something so stupid,’ he says.

You clap him on the shoulder, bring him in a bit closer.

‘I strife every day, I have pushed myself to the limits of flashstepping and I’m smart. I’m paranoid and I cheat. You don’t got to worry about me. You do got to worry about your sisters.’

‘Kanaya can handle Egberts,’ he says.

‘Yeah. If she can, we go see her parents whenever she wants. She is not to use her powers, you got that?’

Dave looks confused.

‘You do it. You keep Daddy Egbert happy, you bind her to you, you do what you gotta do, but she stays human . I know you can do this, kid.’

‘She’s stronger than me.’

‘You’re better. You’re my second, always, Davey.’

He glances towards the diner, starts to open his mouth and then stops. He nods. You scruff his hair a little and give him a fistbump before you go back into the diner. You slide back into your booth. You won’t head home until the kids have cleared out.

‘Will your Dave try to avenge your death,’ Caliborn asks.

You shrug.

‘You Striders don’t seem the type to bother with that,’ he says with a slight smirk. You don’t let yourself react, it’s too obvious. You’re starting to piece something together, but you’re quite happy with the role you’re playing now.

‘I don’t want to talk about my kid now,’ you say. ‘I want you to tell me if you’ve used one of my toys before.’

‘No,’ he says.

You let your smirk get a smidge to big. A bit evil. Let him see that you will not be pandering to his smuppet virginity. Let him see how far you want to go with it.

You hear the sound flashstepping makes and lazily look towards the door where Dave was standing. No point trying to be subtle, Cal could track your movements anyway. Kids are gone. Time to go back to your place.

Chapter Text

You lead Caliborn to an alley close to the diner. You’re expecting to use the darkness so you can both transform and fly to your place, but he crowds you to the wall. He hasn’t touched you yet but you can feel the heat from his body. The heat that means he’s fed recently. You let yourself be pressed to the wall, lean your face away so he can trace your neck with his nose. His breath touches you with more substance than his skin, he’s ghosting his hands near you and you’re so turned on by the promise of touching. You thought you were going to be getting full, rough, unrestrained hatesex, this is so much more intense somehow. He’ll probably turn the tables any second, sink his teeth into your neck, shove his thigh between your legs, pull your hair. But no, instead, he presses a light kiss to your pulse point beneath your ear. He kisses, with just a hint more pressure, along your jaw. He brings a hand up to cradle your cheek as he leans in to kiss you sweetly on the mouth.

‘Look at you,’ he says. ‘You are filthy , the way you want me.’

You are Dirk motherfucking Strider and you will not lose the ability to talk from just a couple of kisses. You got steamier than this when you were nine fucking years old.

‘I thought we were going back to my place,’ you say, and thank fuck your voice sounds normal. Now if you could just convince your dick to calm down …

‘Is this not your house,’ Caliborn says with a wicked smirk.

Ha ha, your house is a filthy alleyway full of garbage.

You stroke your hand along his hairline, feeling the short bristles tingle under your fingertips. You’re just gonna pretend like he didn’t say anything at all. You’re suddenly remembering how it was the innocent stuff that revved Cal’s motors on your site. You can be affectionate.

‘You are gorgeous ,’ you tell him. You look deep in his eyes for a moment before you kiss him as nice and chaste as you can.

He shudders slightly and presses into you, trying to intensify the kiss, licking tentatively with his tongue, but you keep it classy. Fuck it, you’ll have loving missionary style sex with your stalker-murderer if that’s his kinkiest fantasy. Least you can do if he’s going to be getting on board with yours.

‘Take me home,’ he says breathlessly when you stop kissing him to nuzzle in at his neck. You give him a smirk so he knows you’ve won that point and then close your eyes, fold your body smaller. He’s done the same, is ready to follow you. The two of you fly back to your apartment and you had forgotten what it was like to have company like this. You’re coming over all nostalgic.

You land on the fire escape and invite him in. You even remember the conditional welcome that Luke gave to other vampires.

‘You are welcome in my home so long as you intend no harm to me or mine,’ you say, looking into his eyes.

He sighs and stays on the fire escape. Okay, you can give him some wriggle room.

‘You are welcome into my home so long as you do not intend any life threatening harm to me or mine in the next 48 hours.’

He rolls his eyes but follows you inside. You lead the way to your bedroom and sit on the bed, wait for him to get his bearings. He examines your many hats and smuppets, your sewing machine next to your robotics equipment, your only-slightly ironic posters. Their primary purpose was to mock your kids for putting posters in their rooms, followed by wanting to make Dave uncomfortable, followed by you actually really like looking at everything in your posters. Especially Rainbow Dash. You lean back on your elbows to watch Caliborn stare intently at the collection of posters that started off as pretty innocent pictures of puppets you got off Google that you have photoshopped pornographic. Pretty smooth going, you think. Sometimes you’ve just pixelated them suggestively, some of them you’ve gone all out. You’re not quite sure which is funnier. You spent a good hour debating the merits of each with Rose, sitting against the door so Dave couldn’t abscond.

Finally, Caliborn looks at the real work of art in the room. That is to say, you. Sure, you literally feature in less than half of your pornos, but despite the niche following that wants plush rumps only, you’re still the star. You haven’t quite gotten over Cal calling you that online.

He takes you in slowly, the way one leg hangs idly off the bed, the other one bent at the knee, (designed to draw the attention to your cock, you’re no amateur), the way resting on your elbows shows off your sweet arm and ab muscles, the way your hair’s gone just a bit floppy, just a shade off perfection that makes you more approachable. Well, you assume. It would just be perfect but some asshole shoved you against an alley wall before and hasn’t made any move to come join you on the bed yet.

You get rid of your shoes and socks with quick, sure movements and raise an eyebrow at him. He smirks at you again, showing off his gold tooth, and slowly strips his shirt off. Not bad, you can work with that. You show him what a striptease looks like, inching your shirt up slowly, bit by bit until you have to take it off. You throw it in his face for good measure. He catches and drops it to the floor, takes the step he needs to get close to you. He’s taller than you but he still seems to be getting a kick out of towering over you, still standing while you’re on the bed. He bends down to kiss you, his fingers stroking down through your hair to your neck. He digs his nails into the back of your neck, deepens the kiss when you gasp a little with pain.

He’s not holding back.

You don’t have to either.

You grab him round the waist and twist to tackle him onto the bed, straddle his hips and grab his hands above his head. You kiss away the smirk he gives you, press your body close to his as your tongues battle. He pulls his hands from your grip and you let him, you want your hands free too. You stroke down his arms, feeling the hard muscles. He’s so big, and you know that doesn’t always mean strength but here it does. You think he probably could kill you if he wasn’t the kind of idiot who likes to play with his food.

You need to stop being so turned on by the thought of getting the shit kicked out of you.

He drags his nails down your back, and it’s so different to being with a human who can’t do shit to you, it hurts in the best possible way, the way that has you pressing into him harder as if that will bring you relief. You know he’s drawn blood in his first fucking move and you should care about that, but instead you just bite into his neck, not like you want to feed, just to hurt him back and he groans and pushes against you. You sit up so you can scratch down his chest but he flips you so he’s on top. A few movements and he’s torn your jeans off. He pulls his own off, which, okay, fair enough, you have more clothes here and he doesn’t, and then he’s on you again, pinning you down. You’d be pissed off that he has a bigger cock than you, even though you’re the fucking porn star here , but wow, okay, you want that inside you.

He grinds down, rubs your dicks together and you guess he gets off on pain too because he is not being gentle here.

‘Lube?’ he asks.

Practically everywhere. If there’s a draw in this room that doesn’t have lube in it, you’d be surprised. But he’s on your turf and he’s made an implicit promise.

‘That orange guy next to you is self lubricating,’ you say, putting challenge in your eyes.

‘Which end?’ he asks.

Holy shit, he’s going to go along with it. If you get any harder you think your dick will just clean fall off.

‘Both,’ you say.

He holds your gaze while he jacks the smuppet nose, coaxes the lube out. It drips onto his fingers and he looks down, impressed. You’d play coy, but you’re so ready, so turned on seeing someone else using your toys. You spread your legs for him.

‘We could drag this out longer …’ he says.

‘Or we could get the first fuck done with so we can do it, like, three more times before sun up,’ you say.

He’s convinced. He doesn’t tease you, he just slips two fingers inside you like he’s doing you a service going even as slowly as he is. It’s not slow. You tip your head back involuntarily and moan.

Shit, it’s been months since you were with a guy, and even longer since you bottomed. You give off a pretty dominant vibe or something. He pumps his fingers and you feel the plush nose of the smuppet against your balls as he coaxes more lube onto his hand.

‘Nggh, fuck, Caliborn,’ you say.

He adds another finger, pushes into you punishingly.

‘Talk to me,’ he commands.

‘’S’good,’ you manage.

‘More,’ he says, twisting his fingers.

‘Fuck, it’s … just, so good.’ You pant as he moves inside you. He isn’t even doing anything special, it’s just him, it’s your desperation. ‘Want your cock, Cal, please,’ you say.

‘You gonna be better than him?’ Cal asks.

You raise your head and let it fall back immediately. Cal’s balls deep in the orange smuppet.

‘Jesus, Caliborn, if I get any more turned on I’m gonna die,’ you moan.

Cal shifts so he’s almost lined up with you. You feel the smuppet next to you, in between your legs, brushing against your ass, your cock. Cal thrusts into it and you feel that, too, the gentle friction, the pressure, the soft fabric.

‘ Fuck ,’ you moan.

‘Mmm,’ he agrees.

He pulls his fingers out and throws the smuppet away and then he’s inside you, no easing into it or waiting for you to catch your breath. He’s going to ruin you, fuck.

You groan and arch your back into the sensation. He scratches down your chest and the pain grounds you a little, helps you focus. You wrap your legs around his hips and he pumps smoothly into you.

‘God, Cal, you’re …’ you gasp. So many ways to finish that sentence, you just let it hang there until he changes the angle, presses all close up to you, kisses you sweetly as he pounds into you. He likes that, the contrast, the rough and the soft. You grip him round the neck, not enough to cut off his air completely, just enough to give that nice dizzy feeling.

‘You’re fucking beautiful,’ you tell him.

He gasps and thrusts faster. He’s pushing the limits of human speed, but he’s not human. Fuck he’s hot, he’s strong and fast and if he hits you there , fuck , just a couple more times you’re going to come and you don’t think you can bring yourself to care enough to resist it.

You wish you could pull his hair, but you can’t, too short, so you scratch and squeeze at his neck, at his scalp and shoulders until, nggh, no, don’t stop! You feel him come and buck involuntarily, frustrated that he’s not moving anymore, but then he reaches down and fuck , squeezes your cock just right, buried in you so deep, fuck, coming .

You don’t realise until you relax just how hard you were gripping him. He picks you up, still inside you and walks you to the bathroom. Yes, good call, you make it easier, keeping your legs and arms around him like you’re a koala bear. He doesn’t pull out until you’re in the shower, and yeah, you need it. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror and can’t believe he managed to beat you up worse than you got him. You’re bleeding from so many scratches, there are bite shaped bruises, finger shaped bruises, even a fist shaped bruise on your thigh. You haven’t bruised in decades, not even when Dave gets in a hit sparring.

You wash each other off and trade lazy kisses. You probably wouldn’t have fit the two of you in the shower in the old apartment, but it’s nice in this one. Just small enough that you have to keep cosy.

‘How are my survival chances looking?’ you ask as you massage soap into his chest.

‘Better,’ he admits. ‘I’m still going to kill you, I’m not going to lose the game,’ he says.

‘I wouldn’t want that,’ you say wryly.

‘But … I will admit that I see your point. There’s no rush. I could wait a week. Maybe a month.’

‘Mmm … Lot we could do in a month,’ you say. And by the time it’s over he’ll want you for the next decade. You have to stand on your toes to kiss him if he doesn’t bend down and you kind of love that. You make a very strong mental note not to let Dave catch you embracing your inner twink.

He holds you tight as you kiss.

‘You want to go nice and sweet next time?’ you ask.

‘You kinky fuck,’ he says. He sounds impressed.

‘Or I could tie you up and torture you a bit.’

‘I’d rather tie you up,’ he says. ‘You have a guarantee of safety here, I don’t.’

You smirk.

‘Okay, let me show you my gear.’

The dickhead keeps you tied up for the next three times and then leaves you, with a very thin blanket barely covering the goods, just before sunrise. You’re bloody and beaten and exhausted like you didn’t know you could be, but mostly you’re pissed off because he technically hasn’t broken any rules but now you’re either going to have to break your thumb or wait for Dave to come home and let you out.

You bunch the blanket up a bit with your free foot so you can’t see the fucking outline of your cock through it and swear loudly and colourfully as you weigh up your options. You’re pretty sure you already have a broken toe and one of your ribs feels very tender, so adding the thumb to the count isn’t actually a big deal, but you’ve never been one for inflicting pain on yourself. You look at the clock. Just after 7:30. You lost a little time there in a rage-sulk, but you know your kid, he won’t be awake until at least 10 and then there’s the whole saying goodbye thing. Shit, Kanaya, will they maybe hang out at Egbert’s until sunset?

You’re contemplating that when you hear the key in the lock.

Clock reads 7:37. So it hasn’t stopped. Dave’s just home early, checking in on you.

‘But I don’t understand!’ you hear someone whisper poorly. John. John can’t whisper for shit. You also don’t understand.

‘Clearly,’ Dave says dryly. He doesn’t bother with whispering. ‘Look, just stand there and look pretty for a minute.’

You hear an angry huff.

‘Obviously not as pretty or as fierce as you, babe,’ Dave says hurriedly.

There’s a mess of sounds you can’t interpret. You contemplate breaking your thumb and sneaking up to the crawl space. You’re not sure you can do all that quick enough to avoid Dave seeing your bare ass scrambling into the roof. You’re really not sure you can do it quietly. You’re upgrading your possibly broken toe to a probably broken toe.

‘Bro?’ Dave calls.

‘Hey,’ you say back. That’s casual enough.

‘You got company?’ he asks.

‘Nope, he fucked off before I could even make him breakfast,’ you say.

‘Alright, you want to come out then?’ he asks.

You do not. Can not. Whichever.

‘Bro, what’s going on?’ he calls. You forgot to answer out loud.

‘I’m just a little tied up right now,’ you say, as if you’re metaphorically tied up, maybe with important business calls. ‘I’ll be out presently.’

‘You want me to be getting my investigate on, brother?’ Dave brought Gamzee too. This is getting ridiculous.

‘DS, just send GZ, he won’t even remember,’ you hear someone else say. How many fucking kids are in your house?

‘Can you get yourself free?’ Dave asks.

‘... Yes,’ you say.

‘You are paying for my therapy,’ Dave says, and then the door opens.

You waggle your fingers at him.

‘Hey, kid.’

‘Holy shit, Bro, what did he do to you?’

‘You don’t need a key or anything, just undo the buckle. You get one of my hands free, I’ll do the rest, okay?’

He nods dumbly and frees your right hand. You shake out the pins and needles and undo your neck and left hand. As you reach to get your left foot you let out a hiss of pain. Okay, possibly broke that rib, too.

Dave undoes your ankle with minimal squeamishness.

‘Thanks,’ you say. You let yourself flop backwards.

‘You need a doctor,’ he says.

You raise an eyebrow at him and bare your teeth. Your fangs won’t go back in, you’re in pain and they’re ready to respond to the threat your body is sure is still around.

‘Bro, you look like you fucked a woodchipper,’ he says.

‘I’m fine,’ you say. ‘Honestly, once I have a shower it won’t look anywhere near so bad.’

‘So have a shower,’ he says.

You groan. You don’t want to move.

‘Bro, I’ve seen you do pull ups for literal hours. I’ve seen you lift a fucking car. I’ve seen you flash-step so fast it looked like there were four of you. I haven’t seen you wiped out except for the thing with Kanaya.’

He’s keeping his voice low but you look to the door anyway.

‘Fine,’ you say, resigned. You heave yourself stand-ways and fuck, yep, toe is upgraded from probably broken to certainly broken. You sit back down and pull it onto your knee so you can see it. Okay, set the bone back into a normal position. You hope this works on yourself, otherwise you’re gonna look really stupid. You bend down, groan at the pain from your rib and bite it, then lick it better. You put it down and try some weight. Okay, better, but still fucking sore. You’ll just limp, that’s fine. Ugh, you really can’t bite your chest to fix your rib.

Dave’s looking at you with his mouth slightly open. He fixes his expression, shrugs and walks out.

You stand up again, fold the blanket in half and wrap it round your hips. You walk carefully to the bathroom, grateful that Dave has apparently kept his party in the lounge. You stand in the shower for a long time, licking at the scratches you can reach to encourage them to heal. When you get out and look in the mirror, you look like shit. You have a black eye and scratches running from your cheek to your neck. You have fingerprint bruises round where he throttled you, hickeys fucking everywhere, scratches and bruises down your chest. The ugliest one is where you assume you’ve broken, fractured, whatever your rib. You turn and your back looks just as bad. Your ass hurts too, but that pales in comparison to your toe and rib. You wrap a towel round your hips and go back to your room for clothes. You put loose stuff on and head to the lounge.

Eight kids. All dudes except for one, what a sexist.

‘This your army, bro?’ you ask as you head as casually as you can to the fridge. Between your toe and your ass, you have a pretty pimping walk.

‘What, a guy can’t gather whatever friends have the best strife specibus for a casual breakfast meeting?’

The other kids are looking at you with looks of horror, with the exception of Gamzee, who you don’t think gets horrified and Terezi, who is blind.

‘Who wants pancakes?’ you say.

‘Where are your anime glasses?’ John asks.

‘Good fucking question, John, isn’t that a good fucking question?’ Dave says.

‘Pssh,’ you say. ‘It’s dark in here, who wears shades indoors?’

‘You do, asshole,’ Karkat says. He has recovered from his horror, good kid. He starts to rifle through the freezer behind you and you ignore him. Apparently you’ve been so welcoming that he feels this is a thing he’s allowed to do.

‘I was thinking I should put my shades on my shirt,’ you say. ‘Like how Rose did with my hat jumper.’ You’re gonna get Cal back for breaking them, for using them to cut into your chest. You’re going to get him back real good for a few things.

Karkat shoves a tea towel full of ice into your hands.

‘Thanks?’ you say.

‘For your eye, dick-munch,’ he says.

You … have no idea if that will work. You hold the ice to your eye anyway. Okay, that feels amazing.

‘So, pancakes?’ you try again. You basically don’t know what else to do with Dave’s friends apart from feed them.

‘Sit down, Bro, I’ll make the fucking pancakes,’ Dave says.

You pimp-walk over to the couch and sit next to Gamzee.

‘Woah,’ he says. ‘Your face is looking like woah.’

You go to smirk at him and remember your fangs. You let your mouth twitch up and keep it closed. You probably shouldn’t risk talking too much this close to the kids. You tongue the points of your fangs again but they still won’t retract.

‘Are you going to press charges?’ Terezi asks eagerly.

‘If he w-were,’ hipster kid interupts, ‘he w-would use a real fuckin’ law-wyer, not a creepy blind girl. You w-want my family’s law-wyer, Mr Strider, I got a card an’ ev-verythin’.’

‘Nah, we’re cool,’ you say, opening your mouth as little as possible. Mr Strider, that’s hilarious. ‘Just a perfectly pleasant evening between two consenting adults.’

‘But he didn’t stay for breakfast!’ John objects.

‘And he left you in a pretty fucking vulnerable way,’ Karkat says.

‘Yeah, what if Dave hadn’t come home ‘til tonight? Or tomorrow?’ glasses kid says.

‘Look, kids, I’m fine. Yeah, I wish Dave hadn’t had to let me out, but if he had’ve left me a bit longer I’d have gotten out myself, and I’ll be letting my partner know that was over the line next time I see him.’

‘Dave said those cuffs were strong,’ John says doubtfully.

‘I should hope so, I fuckin’ made them,’ you say.

‘So how were you going to get out?’

‘He would have broken his thumb,’ Dave says blandly from the kitchen. ‘And he would have rathered do that than ask for help because he’s an idiot.’

‘I could have broken the bed,’ you mutter. The more you think about it, the less sure you are that breaking your thumb would have even worked. Handcuffs, sure. Leather cuffs fit a bit too snugly.

Dave slips his shades down so you can see him roll his eyes. It works a little too well with him balancing a bowl of pancake batter on his hip. You’re reminded forcefully of Roxy, except Roxy couldn’t cook for shit, would have been faking it.

‘I’m telling Mom,’ he says.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

John leaves after he finishes his pancakes. Rose, Kanaya and Jade are all at his house and they want to know what is going on. He also seems to think his dad will let them all stay so long as he’s there, but that it’s weird if he’s not. You give him a fistbump when he leaves and thank him for having Dave’s back. He laughs awkwardly and pats you on the chest like he doesn’t know what to do with that. He gets you right on your sore rib and you can’t hold back the flinch, which makes him try to give you a hug, which again, hurts. You disentangle yourself and give him another fistbump. When he blushes he looks so much like the Jake from your school years that it’s hard to keep your cool.

Dave sits you next to glasses-kid and tells you to show him how you break video games. The kid’s called Sollux and has the weirdest, most infectious laugh, you’d call it a giggle if it weren’t so dry. He keeps up with your coding talk and makes clever suggestions. He turns everything on one game into solid red and blue, making it nearly impossible to distinguish objects. You verse him a top-down strategy game and are not surprised when he beats you.

‘You played Rose before?’ you ask.

He scoffs.

‘Latht thing I need ith some broad who thinkth the’s hot thtuff athking for a fucking heal every two thecondth,’ he says.

‘Dude,’ you say. ‘My girl’s good. Better than you, probably.’

‘If you didn’t already look like you’d rethently thtuck your whole body in a blender I’d happily beat your ath for that,’ he says.

You laugh way too hard at that, and hurt your rib again. The kid who looks like a bundle of matchsticks with douche glasses and a lisp just threatened you. You get the feeling he forgot he wasn’t online.

‘Bro, strap your fucking chest, you’ve done yourself a damage,’ Dave says from the other side of the room.

You shrug. You don’t really know how to do it on yourself and you’re not asking him to do it, hopefully he’s already repressed what you looked like this morning, you don’t need to remind him how shit you look under your shirt. You’re tossing up the idea of asking Kanaya to bite and then lick it, like you did for your toe. Vampire venom is super nice for healing shit. Ideally Caliborn would have done that for you before he skipped out, but he’s a total bastard. You aren’t asking him for healing, you won’t give him the satisfaction. You let your nose heal natural style after Jake broke it that one time, it was fine.

‘Bro,’ Dave repeats. He’s gonna be a stubborn shit about this.

‘Sollux thinks he’s better at game shit than Rose,’ you say, effectively changing the subject. The kids pester Rose and set up a connection with John’s computer.

Hipster kid makes some odds and wagers up, first kill, final score, winner, that kind of thing and collects money from you, Terezi and Equius. You and Terezi bet squarely on Rose, Equius and hipster seem confident in Sollux’s abilities.

Rose sets up her webcam and you feel a surge of pride at the way she seems to need to bend in such a way to adjust it that “accidentally” gives the camera a look at her cleavage. Girl plays dirty, distract them at the beginning. Or maybe just making the point that she is indeed a girl who is definitely going to kick Sollux’s ass. You don’t think for a second it wasn’t on purpose. Sollux glares at her and sets your rig up how he likes it. You get the screen duplicated on the TV so you don’t have to crowd him at the desk.

Karkat sits next to you. You like Karkat, he doesn’t do eye-contact at all.

‘I have a theory that there is more than just the one kind of romance,’ he says.

‘Course there is,’ you say.

‘No, I don’t mean more than one kind of relationship, obviously every relationship is different, dickmunch.’

‘There’s no way I’m getting out of this lecture, is there?’

‘You know how when you watch Fight Club you kinda want Tyler and whatever the main character thinks his name is to just start making out after they fight. During, whatever.’

‘Yes,’ you agree emphatically. ‘Kid, I already know I got a pain kink, this isn’t news,’ you say.

‘No, it’s not about the pain! I mean, yeah, a bit, it’s passionate as fuck. But I’m talking about the rivalry.’

‘Rivalry as a basis for romance, is your theory.’

‘Yeah, like, if your douchebag wasn’t a challenge then it wouldn’t be interesting, even if you do get your jollies off to pain.’

Dave snaps his head round to the two of you.

‘Please tell me I didn’t hear you discussing what Bro gets off to,’ he says.

‘Go back to watching the game,’ Karkat says dismissively. ‘I’m explaining kismessitude.’

Dave rolls his eyes and goes back to watching the game.

‘Kismet-attitude?’ you ask.

‘Yeah, with nemesis chucked in. As in your rival would be called your kismesis, but the romance quadrant itself is kismessitude.’

‘Do you have diagrams and shit?’ you ask.

‘Yes, but obviously I’m not going into this in that much detail just randomly sitting on your fucking couch with no warning. I’m just saying, I think you can have a healthy kismessitude so long as it’s built on mutual respect and the desire to both grow as a consequence of your rivalry, push yourselves harder because you want that respect and break each other down because you’re not allowed that vulnerability elsewhere.’

‘Sounds pretty soppy, kid. How’d you make hate-sex sound soppy?’

‘It’s fucking romance, of course it’s soppy,’ he says.

‘You’re a nerd,’ you tell him.

‘You just bet on the outcome of a computer game between a couple of idiot kids,’ he says.

‘Go on then, lay the other quadrants on me,’ you say with a smirk.

He does, using examples from his friends and movies. At one point he takes out a deck of cards so as to illustrate who each person would be. When he talks about it he stops swearing almost entirely.

‘Kid, this is practically a thesis,’ you say once he reaches a point where he has run out of steam.

‘Yes, well,’ he says.

‘You’ve written it up as a thesis, haven’t you.’

‘I’ve … made notes. With citations.’

‘Dave,’ you call. The game finished almost an hour ago, but you and Karkat talked right through it. ‘You have my blessing to marry your matesprit.’

Dave blushes so hard his whole face turns red and Karkat splutters next to you.

‘This matesprit,’ you clarify, pointing at Karkat. ‘Not letting just anyone into the Strider clan.’

You think Dave might be about to die from embarrassment, so you pimp walk away to give him a breather.

In the kitchen, you look up swag Dave might be interested in on your phone. If ever the kid deserved a “sorry I’m a shit Bro-Dad” present, it was now. You idly consider the ridiculously overpriced jetpack. You’re pretty sure you could make one instead.

You’re interrupted from your thoughts by Terezi.

‘Hey, tough-guy!’ she says.

‘Hey, tough-girl,’ you say, a lot less loud. Is she deaf as well as blind? She doesn’t seem to have any volume control.

‘No one has asked the most interesting question yet!’ she says. ‘I’ve been assured you look like shit, but you are Mr Dirk Strider! You trained the cool-kid himself!’ She leans close, conspiratorially. ‘How does the other guy look?’

You grin at her, glad she can’t see your teeth, your eyes. You’re just a description to this girl, you can’t creep her out just because you didn’t keep your expression under wraps.
‘He didn’t go home unscathed,’ you promise.

‘Yes, but did you win?’

You consider that. You definitely broke his nose, you think you bit off his earlobe and he has to be just as scratched and bruised as you.

‘It was at least a tie,’ you say.

‘Excellent!’ she says.

‘So, you want to be a lawyer?’ you ask, remembering Eridan’s comments earlier.

‘Yes!’ she says, and then proceeds to do the most perfect anime-style speech about justice you have ever heard. You want her silhouetted against flapping flags and weird justice scale things. You wonder if you asked her again if she would recite the same thing, word for word.

You are robbed of the ability to reply by the sound of your phone ringing. You sigh and check the name. Roxy.

‘Dave,’ you whine.

‘I told you, Bro,’ he says. ‘I told you I was telling Mom.’

You answer.

‘Dirk Bromageddon Strider!’ she says. ‘You did not have to get our son to uncuff you from a dubious sexual position this morning!’

‘Good afternoon, honey-muffin,’ you say. ‘I love you.’

Worth a try, anyway.

‘I have so many problems with this situation, young man!’

‘Rox, I’m older than you.’

‘Ha!’

‘Rox, he assembled a fucking army of teenagers and they’re all pretending like they aren’t listening to this conversation.’

‘So. Get. Rid. Of. Them.’

You sigh and drop your phone arm to your waist. The kids are entirely unconvincing in their “unrelated” activities.

‘Eyes on me,’ you say. They all obey. You take the time to stare at each of them.

‘You will not hear the following conversation,’ you say.

‘Bro, Terezi,’ Dave says.

The girl in the kitchen is looking at you quizzically. Fuck. She’s blind.

‘Are you kidding me?’ you ask Dave.

‘What, you thought I brought her along for her intimidation factor? Not sure if you noticed, but you and your boyfriend share some weaknesses.’

You palm your face, wincing when your fingers hit your bruised eye. Actually, there’s a few tender spots there. Thank fuck Roxy’s just on the phone.

‘Fine, kids, you can listen to whatever the fuck you want. But you’re going up on the roof.’

Dave grabs Terezi by the elbow. Between his shades and his own powers, he could resist that kind of command if he wanted. You wait until they’re all gone, scowl at the sunlight keeping you trapped in the kitchen and pull the phone back to your ear.

‘They’re gone, Rox,’ you say.

‘We’re tackling this lecture in parts, you hear me? Okay, part the first, Dave had to unchain you from your sex chamber, not okay! He should not be exposed to that shit!’

‘I asked him not to, I’d have gotten out myself …’

‘I know you have smuppets all over the place, I know he knows where to find your porn site, I was turning a blind eye there because I am not the greatest role model myself, but this is too far, Dirk!’

‘I know. I know, I’ll have fuckin’ words with Cal, it wasn’t okay.’

‘Great! Let’s transition to point the two! Cal sounds like bad fucking news, chicken, he’s beat you up and left you tied up and fucked off and he stalked you and talked about killing you and he sounds like the worst!’

You want to run your fingers through your hair but it hurts, your fucking scalp is tender.

‘Babe, he’s a dick, but … Rox, no one hurts me, no one comes close.’

‘Dirk …’

‘I know you tried, and it was good, I was into it, I swear, you’re still the best dom I ever had, but you couldn’t hurt me, could you?’

‘Your yum may not be my yum but I will not yuck someone else’s yum,’ Roxy says, defeated. ‘Is he actually going to kill you? Because I don’t fancy being a widow.’

‘But you’d suit it so well,’ you say, trying for humour.

She’s silent.

You flinch, as if you can see the glare.

‘Look, it’s not just that he’s hot as hell and I don’t have to hold back with him, though that’s part of it. I have some theories,’ you say.

‘Oh fuck, lay it on me,’ she says.

‘He’s a vampire, right. He lives here, he’s lived here for a while. He has to know Luke. Had to, whatever. He probably knows what happened. If he actually wants to kill me, maybe he’s involved. I swear, Droogs was influenced, I could taste it. So, I find out who really wants me dead, why they’re sending a vamp when they sent drones before and … fuck, Rox, this has been coming for half a century.’

You can practically hear her thinking.

‘The pain kink fulfillment or the revenge stuff?’

‘Roxy.’

‘Dirk, are you safe?’ she asks.

‘And sane and consensual,’ you say dutifully.

‘Fuck, fine. Point the three: you have a duty of fucking care to those kids, you can’t just kick them out because you want to have wild kinky sex with a hot vampire!’

You don’t reply. You really don’t have a justification here.

‘Dirk, hon, you’re allowed to have a life outside the kids, but they gotta come first.’

You find yourself suddenly fascinated with your shoes.

‘Sweetheart, talk to me,’ she says.

‘Rox, I like him.’

‘Right, well you go get him, tiger! But just sort out your kid arrangements ahead of time. And talk to him about boundaries. And talk to them about your relationship so I don’t wake up to a fucking wall of incomprehensible ramble from Dave. And teach him what punctuation is.’

You do the human thing and ask Roxy how her rehab’s going, catch up on the gossip. She sure seems a lot more energetic than she was last time you talked, but maybe that’s just having a purpose. She brags that she hasn’t thrown up in three days and your gut clenches because that’s an achievement for her. You let her go with promises to keep her up to date with the Cal thing.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Okay, I’ve had my lecture, you can come down now.

TG: were pretty chill up here

TT: Not telling you where to chill, bro, but you got me trapped in the kitchen.

TT: Can you at least come down for a sec and hold the curtain closed so I can get to my room?

TG: nah

TT: Fine.

timaeusTestified [TT] is an idle chum

timaeusTestified [TT] is an active chum

TT: Kid, I get it, ironic justice, I’m all trapped.

TT: Let me out.

TG: was that noise i just heard you

TT: Damn your vulcan hearing.

TG: did you try and use the crawl space

TG: even though you cant even walk properly

TG: you thought you could just do a jump pull up and then crawl through the roof and then land all ninja in your room

TT: Yeah, well, obviously I can’t do that.

TG: did you hurt yourself more

TT: Takes more than falling out of the roof to hurt me.

TG: what did mom say are you grounded

TT: She’s not *my* mom.

TG: so youre grounded huh

TT: No.

TT: We do need to talk though.

TG: i hate talking

TT: Well that’s just not true.

TG: ok but the kind of talking that comes after a statement like we need to talk

TT: Right. Me too.

TT: Reckon we can do this over Pesterchum?

TT: I’ll make a family group chat or something.

TG: rosell tell mom

TT: God damn.

TT: You gonna let me out yet?

TG: i thought you could get out yourself

TT: He didn’t trap me with sunlight, dick.

TG: whatever you have your phone

TT: True.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TT: Hey, Karkat, mind letting me out of the kitchen?

CG: DAVE SAYS NO.

TT: Come on, you don’t have to just do whatever Dave says, do you?

CG: NO, BUT I WILL IN THIS CASE.

TT: Can I maybe bribe you?

TT: I have a ridiculous amount of money.

CG: COME ON, BRO, DON’T BE THAT WAY.

CG: DAVE WILL LET YOU OUT WHEN HE’S READY.

TT: God damn stupid love making stupid bribes not work.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]

TT: Hey, kid, you mind coming back downstairs for a minute?

TC: wOaH hOw Do YoU kNoW iM aLl In A pLaCe WhAt Is NoT dOwNsTaIrS?

TT: Gamzee, it’s Bro, Dave’s Bro.

TC: :o)

TC: wHaT a MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE tHaT yOu AlL kNoW hOw To GeT yOuR pEsTeR oN wItH mE

TT: Yeah.

TT: Come downstairs, now.

TC: hOlD oN i JuSt GoTtA tElL dAvEbRo WhErE iM gEtTiNg To

TC: He DoEsNt LiKe It WhEn I gEt My WaNdEr On

terminallyCapricious [TC] is now an idle chum

TT: Gamzee, no!

TT: You don’t have to ask permission to come downstairs!

TT: Fuck.

You resist the urge to throw your phone across the room. You don’t resist the urge to sit on the floor and pout.

Chapter Text

The sun sets before Dave and his friends come down from the roof. You lie on your back in the kitchen dicking about on your phone while you wait. Somehow it’s nowhere near as satisfying as being in your room with your laptop. You don’t message Rose because you feel guilty. You don’t message Caliborn because you’re too proud.

Even when the sun fades from the room, you don’t bother moving. You probably need to take it easy for a while and the kitchen floor is reasonably comfortable. You need to feed, help the healing along, but even with your influence it’s going to be hard to convince someone to come home with you looking like this. You don’t message Ellie, even though that’s the obvious answer. You need to talk to your kids before you do anything more with your romantic partners. The last thing you need is for Dave to come downstairs and find that you’re locked back in your room. Not that you think you have anymore sex left in you, but there’s humans around, you can’t have them walking in on you going all Nosferatu on a cute blonde.

‘Sup, Bro?’ Dave says when he climbs back through the window.

You give him the finger but otherwise don’t react.

‘I’m gonna go pick the girls up,’ he says. ‘Karkat’s gonna hang here for a bit, okay?’

Karkat sits down in the kitchen with you, leaning back against the fridge. You have to stretch to fistbump him so he knows you’re still chill even though he picked Dave over you earlier.

The other kids file out with an unreasonable amount of chattering. You keep your eyes closed ‘til they’re gone.

‘Don’t you have a home to go to?’ you ask Karkat.

‘No, hadn’t you heard? You’re adopting me too,’ he says sarcastically.

You chuckle. It has almost been a month since you got another kid, you’re probably due.

‘Dave asked me to stand guard,’ Karkat says. He sounds incredulous.

‘Babysit, more like,’ you say.

‘He knows you’re sticking around for a bit. He worries about the other guy coming back while you’re …’

‘Weak as a newborn kitten?’

‘Uh …’

‘Cal’s not gonna come back ‘til he’s recovered himself.’

Karkat shrugs.

‘You gonna stick around for the family meeting?’ you ask.

‘Do I want to?’ he asks.

‘Ooh,’ you say. ‘Help me figure out what the fuck I’m going to say.’

Karkat gives you a flat look, like he can’t believe you said that.

‘What? You’re sensible.’

He sighs. You decide to just lie in silence until the others get home.

When they do, you sit them down on the couches and pace as you try and find words. You’ve been trying to organise this in your mind all day, but you’re distractible as hell and you think you’re just gonna wing it.

‘Alright. First things first, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ditched you all like that, that must have been scary, and I’m sorry you had to find me like this.’ You gesture at your face. You caught a glimpse of your reflection earlier and it seems to have gotten even worse over the course of the day.

Dave makes an uncomfortable noise, and you just know he’s going to say it isn’t the finding that’s the problem but it is. You hold your hand up.

‘Shut up, kid, it’s Bro talking time. Y’all can say your pieces when I’m done.’

They make various nodding gestures. Karkat looks all awkward, like he’s really not sure he belongs.

‘Okay, so, I’m sorry. But more important, I’m not going to pull that shit on you again. If I’m gonna have a guest, you’ll know about it in advance and you’ll have your own plans, I won’t force it on you like that. I have my reasons, but they’re not good enough, you guys are top priority.’

You look at them to make sure they know that.

‘Now, I’m not a sharing kind of guy, but you deserve to know what’s going on.’ You hesitate, but you’ve made the decision, you gotta follow through. ‘About fifty years ago, I got a visit from an old school friend, Jake. Thought nothing of it, until he shows up again and kills my master, Luke, thinks he’s saving me, freaks out ‘cause I drained his stupid comrade because surprise, Jake, I’m a vampire too, and drags me away to an island for a decade.’

You pause and take a deep breath. Maybe your exposition could use some work. You're not much of a storyteller.

‘Now, I was pretty fuckin’ trapped. I know you thought I was trapped this morning, or even in the kitchen, but let me tell you now, there is no fuckin’ way for a vampire to escape a tropical fuckin’ island. I’m fast, but I’m not fast enough to swim thousands of miles to another country without even knowing what direction to swim. Took months before I could even look at Jake, I was so cross. I wanted revenge for my master and he trapped me.’

Your fangs are out at the memory, but you don’t care. You keep pacing.

‘Anyway, we worked things out, eventually he trusted me enough to go exploring with him and by that stage I was so in love with him I just figured the revenge stuff could wait. He wanted me to turn him, but … Anyway, he died way too young, got himself shot being a hero.

‘So I mourned for a bit and found my way home, eventually, and started doing digging, trying to find who Jake was working for. He didn’t know, or I’d have made him tell me, but he gave me enough to make a start, even twenty plus years after the fact. And who do I find, schmoozing her way into illegal poker rings, only very slightly older than you are now?’

‘Mom?’ Rose says.

‘She latched onto me, because that was her goal all along, find a big, dangerous man to save her from her family. And she pretty effectively distracted me for the, what, six years we were together? And then she went missing and I found her and got Dave and let me tell you, kids are hard . And I was broke, so it was harder, so I got myself my jobs, mortgaged the place and got an assistant to take Dave to school and pretended I was too rich to handle him rather than too vampire. I figured, what’s a couple decades raising a kid, I can get revenge anytime.’

You scrub your hands through your hair. You haven’t talked this much in a long time, you tend to speak in fragments and gestures if you’re not rapping.

‘What does this have to do with Big Cal?’ Dave says.

‘Oh my god, don’t call him that, call him Caliborn or That Prick or something.’

‘Bro,’ he says.

‘Right. Uh, well, he’s a vampire, he’s older than me, he’s from here and he wants me dead. He’s a lead.’

‘Is this how the detectives do it?’ Rose asks dryly. ‘Suddenly, the appeal is obvious.’

‘Okay, well, here’s the thing. I convinced him not to kill me right away, because of how—’

‘Want you to not finish that sentence, Bro,’ Dave says.

You smirk.

‘Because of how I have a magic cock,’ you say, enunciating your words rather than letting them fall out of your mouth all slurred like usual.

‘So what, you’re going to go after him?’ Karkat asks, interrupting your staring competition with Dave.

‘Yeah, well, not until I’m firing all cylinders again, obviously. Actually, I’d like to recover as quickly as possible, not give him the advantage.’

Dave makes a sarcastic “go ahead” type gesture.

‘Kanaya, how do you feel about helping me out a little,’ you say.

‘Yes,’ she says immediately. You stare at the roof, helplessly. You tried to make that as optional as possible. ‘On second thought,’ she says carefully, ‘I would rather like to know what you require from me.’

‘Atta girl,’ you say. ‘Just need you to bite me on the rib, reckon I broke it. Wouldn’t say no to healing some of the scratches, either.’

‘How?’ Rose says.

You scratch yourself carefully on the hand, let the blood well up. You lick along the same line and it heals.

Kanaya’s eyes widen. Rose’s narrow.

‘You have a think about that. I actually really need a feed, too, so I was gonna message Ellie, get her to come over. Are you all okay with that?’

‘We don’t get a say when it’s creepy murder guy but when it’s Ellie you ask for permission?’ Dave asks incredulously.

‘ No , that’s my point , you have to give me the okay no matter who it is, now. I won’t make you uncomfortable in your own home and I won’t kick you out anymore.’

You stare at him, willing him to understand.

‘I don’t have a problem with Ellie coming over,’ Rose says, breaking the tension.

‘Right, no, neither do I,’ Dave says. He stands up and runs his hands through his hair before dropping them to his sides. ‘Rose, I need a shrinking,’ he says.

‘Then I propose we retire to my office,’ she says with a smile. ‘Kanaya, you should help Bro if you’re comfortable with it.’

‘I’ll stay out here,’ Karkat says. ‘Play chaperone or what the fuck ever.’

Rose and Dave leave the room and you look at Kanaya, try to figure out what’s going on in her head.

‘You’ll tell me to stop if I …’ she trails off, looking uncomfortable.

‘Yeah,’ you say.

‘Okay,’ she says.

You kneel in front of her and she bites and then licks at your bruised eye. You sigh with relief as the pain goes away. She hesitates before doing the same on your neck. You watch Karkat as she works so you don’t focus too much on how it feels. You’re proud when she pulls away without needing to be told.

‘Holy shit,’ Karkat says. ‘Sometimes I forget you guys are magic.’

You snort and take your shirt off.

Karkat looks horrified, so you look down at your chest. Ugh, yes, he broke your rib. That’s what a broken rib with internal bleeding looks like.

‘Well, I suppose we should be grateful that you look rather hideous at present,’ Kanaya says dryly.

‘Shut up and use your magic on me, babe,’ you say.

She bites you deeply at the centre of your massive bruise and you wonder if that’s instinctive or if she’s just clever. She licks her puncture wounds closed and moves onto the numerous scratches you have over your chest. You watch as the colour fades, feel your rib strengthen inside you, take your first deep breath of the day.

‘Bro,’ Karkat says warningly. You realise that you had let your eyes fall closed, got carried away with how good it felt not to hurt anymore. You shake yourself and give him a tight smile of thanks.

Kanaya has healed the top half of your chest and is looking at the bruise marks on your hips. You decide you’ve flirted with disaster enough today and turn around so that she can get the scratches on your back. Her tongue is warm and soft on your shoulder blades, down your spine. She pauses at the point where she must be running out of comfort, because you know you have scratches lower down, but you’re grateful for what you got, so you step out of her reach and put your shirt back on.

‘So,’ you say. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome,’ she says, avoiding your eyes.

‘Good job us for keeping it in our pants,’ you say, holding your fist up for her to bump.

She hesitates, but bumps it.

‘You proud of us, Karkat?’ you say.

‘Yep,’ he says shortly.

You grin at him before you can stop yourself. You just manage to stop yourself from asking him how turned on he is from your strip show. Look at that, you’re improving as a person.

You pat them both condescendingly on the head and then retreat to your bedroom to wait until Ellie replies to your message.

You knock on Rose’s door an hour later to let the kids know Ellie’s coming over. She tells you to come in. Dave is lying on her bed on his back and she is sitting on her desk chair holding a notebook and a fluffy pink pen.

You take your phone out and order a pair of fake librarian glasses, complete with pearl glasses chain. She needs it to make this more ironic. And you needed to get her a present anyway, after today.

‘Yes?’ she says.

You realise you just came into her room and then did something she couldn’t see on your phone for a bit. Whoops. How do you socialise again?

‘Ellie’s on her way over.’

‘Dave,’ Rose prompts.

‘Oh my god, no, you can’t make me.’

‘I can,’ she says, so sweetly you sense a trap.

‘Fine!’ Dave covers his face with his hands. ‘Thank you for considering our feelings, Bro,’ he mumbles.

You look at Rose for guidance, but she’s too busy being smug.

‘Uh, no worries,’ you say.

There’s a pause where you’re not sure if you should still be in the room, and then you leave.

Karkat and Kanaya are in the living room. Karkat is sitting between Kanaya’s legs as she combs his hair. From his swearing, it isn’t going well.

‘And then I’ll dig up your dead dog from your backyard, bring him back to life with the miracle of fucking electricity and then cut him into tiny pieces as you fucking watch,’ Karkat spits.

‘Yes, I am sorry for that one, I thought all the tangles were gone on that side,’ Kanaya says calmly.

‘Hey,’ you say. ‘Ellie’s on her way over.’

‘Want me to leave?’ Karkat says.

‘Nah, just a heads up.’

‘Thank you,’ Kanaya says.

‘OW! You fucking twat-munching blood-sucking son of a whore! Fuck! ’

‘You want conditioner or something, Kanaya?’

‘I’m nearly done, he’s just a baby,’ she says.

You decide to sit and watch them until Ellie arrives.

‘Jesus fucking christ on a popsicle, are you trying to kill me you doucheshitting pile of dicks?!’

‘As I was saying, the television series captures the humour, but misses a lot of the heart from the books,’ Kanaya says.

‘Yes, because the books are constantly describing sexual tension and other things that happen in the character’s heads—I WILL PULL YOUR OVARIES OUT AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING WHORE!’

‘But skilled actors can and do portray such tension in other shows,’ Kanaya says.

‘Yeah, but not teenagers, teen actors suck a bag of ow, Kanaya, ow, and, like, fair enough because they’re learning and it’s hard to do comedy and drama at the same time but it’s also really fucking disappointing.’

‘Done!’ Kanaya says.

‘You are not,’ Karkat says. ‘You never stop when you get all the knots out, you keep going.’

‘Yes, and it is such a hardship for you,’ she says mournfully.

Now when she pulls the comb through, it doesn’t falter. Karkat’s hair is ridiculously fluffy all combed out.

You’re tempted to say something, because you find it strange that they’ve stopped talking now, but then Karkat’s eyes fall closed and he slumps back into Kanaya’s chest. She brushes a few more times, before making meaningful eye contact with you. You grab his legs and help her position him on the couch, his head on her lap so she can keep stroking his hair.

‘He doesn’t sleep,’ she whispers. ‘You have to trick him into it.’

There’s a knock on the door and Karkat springs up.

‘FUCK! I’m not asleep!’ he says.

‘No,’ Kanaya says, ‘we were just talking. Put your head back down, silly, you’re keeping a poor lifeless girl warm.’

She glares at you and you go let Ellie in.

‘Hey,’ you say.

‘Hi there,’ she says.

‘Come with me,’ you say, and you lead her past where Kanaya’s brushing Karkat’s hair again to your room.

‘Ooh, straight to the bedroom, huh?’ she says. She winks at you as you close the door and you’re reminded of how she kinda looks like a young Roxy.

‘This is a kiss,’ you tell her.

You sink your fangs into her neck and she moans quietly. You drink deeply because you need to. When you’re finished, you sit her on your bed and go get her a big glass of water.

‘Drink this,’ you tell her.

She does.

‘You stayed here for a while, had a nice time, but it’s getting late and you want to go home,’ you tell her.

‘Bro, I hate to cut and run,’ she says.

‘I understand,’ you say.

‘But message me again soon?’

‘Absolutely.’

You walk her to the door and hand Kanaya her sewing so she doesn’t have to disturb Karkat again.

You walk back to Rose’s room and knock.

‘Come in.’

‘Right, I’m off,’ you tell them.

Dave sits up.

‘What, I thought Ellie was coming over?’ he says.

‘Yeah, she’s gone now. You guys’ll be right here on your own?’

‘Where are you going?’ Rose asks.

‘Gonna find Caliborn. He won’t expect me to recover this quick, gotta move while I have the advantage.’

‘Bro,’ Dave says.

‘Nope, you don’t get a say in what I do. Who I bring home and when, yes, but this is all me.’ You give him a stern look. ‘Karkat’s asleep on the couch, wake him and risk Kanaya’s wrath.’

You give them a little wave and head out. You have some shit to sort out.

Chapter Text

You don’t bother messaging Caliborn. What’s the point in asking your stalker to meet up with you? You just walk, hands in pockets, like you got nowhere urgent to be. You strain your ears, listening. You stop abruptly and hear the sounds of someone stopping clumsily on the other end of the street. You flash step in front of him so fast it must look like you teleported. You smile at him in that way you have that is really not nice.

‘Get Cal for me,’ you say, quiet and dangerous.

The guy is so short you almost think he’s a kid and his eyes nearly pop out of his head with concern that is so naive that you feel a stab of guilt. But he’s tailing you. And you don’t give a shit. He nods nervously and speaks into a walkie talkie. You snatch it out of his hand when he’s done, examine it. Looks like they’ve rigged it up so it works long range. But why not just use a phone? God, Cal isn’t one of those vampires, is he? The kind that hasn’t bothered to keep up with technology? You roll your eyes and drop the device back to the little guy, who nearly fumbles but manages to save it. You lean against the alleyway and give him your hungriest vampire look. He cowers a little.

‘Could you hurry up, please, sir?’ he says to the walkie.

You don’t restrain your smirk at all.

By the time Cal gets there, only five minutes later, you think you’ve nearly convinced the little guy to wet himself. You haven’t cheated, hypnotising someone to piss themselves is funny but cruel, but yeah … a few more minutes with you staring at his neck and flashing fangs at him …

You turn your smirk on Cal, push off the wall and move towards him. He rocks back on one leg, ready to fight. You wrap an arm around his neck and kiss him sweetly instead. He punches you, right on the ribs you just got healed, but you don’t give up. It hurts him more to be seen like this in front of his little minion than he could possibly hurt you, you know that. He opens his mouth to bite at your lips, kicks at you, but you just move closer, stick your tongue in his mouth and sigh romantically.

When you pull back, his eyes are so filled with hatred you think you might swoon.

‘Scram, kid,’ you tell the minion. ‘You made the booty call, we don’t need you anymore.’

Cal bares his teeth at you (fangs are so hot, you love vampire sex) but doesn’t contradict your orders, so the guy runs off. Actually runs, that’s hilarious.

‘Let me get a look at you,’ you say to Cal. His nose has been set and there’s a plaster over it, but it’s still broken. So, no other vampires in the organisation or Cal’s not high ranking enough or they’re pissed at him for fucking you instead of killing you. Could be any of those. You peel the bandage off and drop it to the ground. You bite and suck at his nose, which, is pretty weird, you guess, but now it’s healed and it wasn’t before and you didn’t need to ask for his help but you helped him and yeah, you’re pretty hard. You tilt his head to examine his ear. You tore it up good last night. You suck and lick at the frayed edges and he shudders. Yeah, it was sensitive last night too, and that was before you exposed all these lovely nerves. He’s melting like fucking butter for you, you’re being sweet as can be, fixing him up because you broke him and you love it.

‘Take me home,’ you tell him.

‘You live right there, fuckhead,’ he says, but there’s no bite to his words because you’re stroking him gently and he’s a pussycat, really.

‘Yeah, and I’m telling you to take me home.’ If he had hair, you’d yank on it then, but it’s stubble short.. You pinch his earlobe instead. He looks down at you, considers it. He pulls you along the street by the wrist until you flick it so he’s holding your hand instead. He looks back at it and glares, but doesn’t object. You didn’t get to fuck him slow last night, that’s how you’ll play it tonight. He looks worse than you do, hasn’t fed or healed like you have, you have the advantage and you’re going to be so generous with it.
He doesn’t live far away. Another guy is standing guard and you grin at him with all your teeth. This one doesn’t spook at all, just stares blankly at you.

‘Slick, unless I call for you personally, by name, you don’t fucking disturb us,’ Cal says, not even looking at the guy. You wink at him before you get dragged into a bedroom.

‘You just reuse codenames?’ you ask casually.

‘Who’s got time to learn names?’ he says defensively. Then he realises what you said. You smile innocently at him as he rounds on you. ‘You met a Slick before?’ he asks.

‘I fucked a Slick before,’ you purr. ‘Caliborn, we got some stuff to talk about.’

You find a chair and sit on it, lean all cocky and relaxed with your legs spread. He sits on his bed. Maybe you could leave off talking for just a bit … no be a grown up, fuck, sex can wait until after the interrogation.

‘So, first off, you’re not to leave me like that for my kid to find again, you got it?’

‘I leave you how you deserve to be left,’ he spits.

You flashstep on top of him straddle his chest, pull his wrists up and have them bound in seconds. You have a lot of bondage stuff captchalogued. None of it is for you, tonight. He’s too weak to fight you effectively and you surprised him.

You climb off him and leave him tied to his headboard and retake your seat.

‘I would like to establish a rule that neither of us leaves the other in this kind of situation. I don’t want to scar my kid, you don’t want your minions to lose respect for you. What do you think, Caliborn?’

He writhes against the bonds, but he’s not getting free. You built these to withstand your strength. You know what you’re about. You don’t move from your chair. It would be funny to strip him, to make him more vulnerable, to drive home your point, but you have business to discuss before you get to the fun part and just imagining him like that’s enough to distract you.

You wait until he stops moving, until he glares at you.

‘Do we have a deal?’

‘Fine,’ he says.

‘Okay. Second rule: unless we get to the killing stage, we heal each other’s serious injuries. Broken bones, that kinda shit. I don’t care if you leave me with some bruises, but I didn’t enjoy today at all and I doubt you liked it any better.’

‘Fine,’ he says.

You nod to yourself.

‘Okay, I got some questions about your little organisation here. You in charge of the Midnight Crew?’

‘And The Felt,’ he says smugly. ‘The Crew’s new. I only got them …’ he thinks about it, ‘four years ago.’

‘Shit,’ you say, unwillingly impressed. You thought they were rival gangs, didn’t think anything would make them work together. You knew one of them was involved, got yourself invited to some poker games, thought they might hire you to do some grunt work when they saw how strong you were, hell, thought you might sleep your way to the top when you saw Slick was interested, then Roxy ruined all your plans and now your intel is twenty years out of date.

‘Yes, I am very good,’ Cal says.

You smirk at him.

‘Okay, who do you work for, then?’

‘No one,’ he says, grinning at you. ‘I am the top dog.’

‘Wow,’ you say. Top dog, what the fuck, are you going to sleep with someone who said “top dog”? ‘Okay, buddy, answer me this, then. Who’s Lord English?’

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. He didn’t expect you to know that name. You got him on the ropes now.

‘Have I tried to kill you before?’ he asks.

‘My master,’ you say casually, waving it away like it’s nothing. ‘Come on, “top dog”, tell me who the big bad is.’

‘Who was your master?’ he demands.

‘Not important, who is Lord English?’

‘I will kill you, Dirk Strider, who was your master?’

‘I’ll tell you if you tell me who Lord English is,’ you say. He really isn’t in any position to be making demands, all trussed up on the bed there.

‘You first,’ he says.

You roll your eyes, and then glare at him because you’ve just remembered he broke your shades again, you don’t have to move them down so he can see you rolling your eyes, and it pisses you off.

‘Luke. Used the last name Smith when I was with him. Don’t know what his real one was.’

‘You are the thrall who escaped with Jake English!’ he says.

‘Not a thrall,’ you say, because duh.

He grins at you manically.

‘Who is Lord English?’ you ask again.

‘I am Lord English and I killed your master and your Jake and I will kill you and everyone you love.’

No.

Caliborn can’t be Lord English, Caliborn’s an idiot.

He killed Jake? But that was …

Okay, maybe he’s a more serious threat than you thought.

Shit.

Why do you always think with your dick?

What do you do?

‘I have to go,’ you say.

‘Dirk Strider! The rules! Untie me!’

‘Right.’

You unclasp the fastenings on one wrist so he can get himself out and then flashstep away before he can catch you. You aren’t stupid. You fly home in a daze.

You don’t realise you’re home and you haven’t transformed human again until you feel Dave’s hands around your body.

‘Dude, stop flapping about like a weirdo,’ he says.

You try and give him a scathing look while still bat-shaped, but turns out that’s impossible. Actually, being a bat is nice, you’re gonna stick like this for a while. You squirm out of his grasp and use your hand claws to climb onto his shoulder.

‘Yeah, okay …’ Dave says. ‘Haven’t seen you like this for a while.’

You can’t even shrug. Yeah, you’re not transforming. Fuck the societal pressure to communicate.

‘You wanna hang in my room?’ he says. He waits for an answer like an idiot. If you don’t want to hang somewhere, you’ll fly away.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ Kanaya asks.

‘Woah,’ Dave says. ‘There’s nothing wrong with him. He wants to be a bat he can be a bat, don’t hate.’

You knead into his shoulder with your claws approvingly. You have the best kid.

‘No, I mean—’

‘Come on, Bro, I found a channel that dubs over Dragon Ball Z, we’re gonna watch it all.’

He takes you to his room and closes the door after him. He doesn’t make you get off his shoulder when he brings his computer back to life, knows you’ll hop off when you feel like it.

‘Ugh, god damn it, Rose, mind your own business,’ he says to the screen. There’s a pesterchum conversation there, filled with violet and red text. Your bat eyes struggle with the colours for a bit before you make them act in a more human way, and by then he’s exited the conversation and is pulling up YouTube.

You watch four episodes before you crawl down his arm and then hop-fly from his desk to his bed. You transform into your human form, but keep your arms around your knees. Dave doesn’t look back at you because he’s a good kid who lets you wallow at your own fuckin’ pace.

‘You chill?’ he asks as the next episode starts.

‘Chill as chill gets,’ you say.

‘Wanna talk about it?’

‘Just watch the show,’ you say.

He lets two more episodes pass as you slowly untangle from your sulk.

‘He’s behind it all,’ you say. ‘He’s behind it all and I don’t know what to do.’

‘What do you mean, bro?’

You shrug and flop down on the bed.

‘You always say the most comforting things,’ he says sarcastically.

‘Do I kill him? And the gangs? Can I even do that? Take down all those people?’

‘Uh … other concern,’ Dave says, holding his hand up like he’s in class. ‘Should you?’

‘Morals,’ you scoff. You like that he is so certain of your capability it doesn’t merit discussion.

He kicks his feet up onto the bed so he can poke your leg with his toes.

‘But if I don’t … God, six months ago, seriously, just six fuckin’ months ago I would have packed you up and taken you to … I dunno, Australia or something.’

‘I still had these people six months ago,’ he says.

‘Yeah, but they weren’t real to me.’

He hums thoughtfully.

‘We could still do it.’

‘Yeah, not gonna,’ you say. You don’t say that you aren’t sure Cal wouldn’t kill everyone in a tantrum.

‘Okay, so running is out. Killing everyone is out. What else?’

You peek at him through nearly closed eyes. He’s so comfortable with this. Has so much faith, in your abilities, sure, but in his, too. Your son. Your little bro.

‘Bro,’ he says, and you must have zoned out for a bit for him to be calling you out on it. ‘Come on, you weren’t worried about him killing you before, your instincts are good.’

‘Yeah, ‘cause I knew he wasn’t gonna until he fucked me and I knew I could put on a good enough show to keep him interested. Make keeping me alive worth more than killing me. You reckon I should seduce him to keep alive?’ you ask sarcastically.

‘Wasn’t that what you were already doing?’

You shrug.

He doesn’t push. He never pushes. He puts on more YouTube videos and just shoves you to the side when he wants to go to bed. He doesn’t kick you out. You go to leave anyway, give him his teenage privacy, whatever.

‘Bro,’ he says, and you stop at the door. ‘Stay?’

You shrug and flop back onto the bed, like you used to when he had bad dreams. You’re not sure if you’re here so he knows you’re safe or so you know he’s safe, but it’s good. It’s better than thinking about this shit alone in your room.

*

Rose’s POV

You were both on your feet as soon as you heard Kanaya call your name. You walk into the living room to see Kanaya and Karkat watching a bat flap clumsily around the kitchen. You would never guess that was Bro, always so graceful as a human, but the probability of a random bat making its way into the apartment is vanishingly low. Dave barely hesitates, he does some parkour thing you suppose is impressive and catches the bat.

‘Dude, stop flapping about like a weirdo,’ he says, holding onto the bat gently. You note the way the bat relaxed the second Dave got his hands around him. The bat, you say, like it isn’t Bro. Bat-Bro climbs up to Dave’s shoulder like they do it all the time. They might. It’s hard, sometimes, seeing proof that you don’t quite fit into their family.

‘Yeah, okay …’ Dave says. ‘Haven’t seen you like this for a while.’

Dave can carry out one-sided conversations with Bro, you know this. It’s hardly surprising he does it when he’s a bat, too. You want to ask why Bro is a bat, but you don’t want to draw attention to the fact that you don’t know.

You had thought that because Dave didn’t know all those things from Bro’s past until you got him to tell them to the two of you, that meant that you both knew him the same. It’s not that at all. You have been incredibly naive.

‘You wanna hang in my room?’ Dave asks Bat-Bro.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ Kanaya asks. You’re so glad it wasn’t you. You could kiss her.

‘Woah,’ Dave says. ‘There’s nothing wrong with him. He wants to be a bat he can be a bat, don’t hate.’

You feel your forehead wrinkling with confusion and stop it, force yourself to relax yourself. Is Bro doing this therapeutically?

‘No, I mean—’ Kanaya starts, but Dave talks over her.

‘Come on, Bro, I found a channel that dubs over Dragon Ball Z, we’re gonna watch it all.’

Dave walks out of the room, gives you the slightest twitch of the lips that tells you he’s sorry he isn’t able to exposition rap all over you on the way. You nod calmly at him as if you understand everything. You don’t. You pull out your phone.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Is he hurt?

TT: Physically, to clarify.

TT: Does he need Kanaya to do anything?

TT: Dave, you said you were going to use your computer, don’t pretend you aren’t seeing these messages.

TT: I imagine that if you could turn into a bat you would use it to avoid conversation a lot, too.

TG: jesus fucking christ lalonde

TG: step off he doesnt like to talk and theres people in his house all the time and its like you never hear me when i say to you that we gotta be more gentle on bro

TG: hell talk when hes ready to talk and you can psychoanalyse us both to tears tomorrow but we give him a fuckin break first ok

TT: Sorry.

TT: I forget myself sometimes.

TG: you know i dont want to make you feel shit

TG: well jam about all this tomorrow k

TT: Of course.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

‘What was all that about?’ Karkat asks.

‘I really haven’t lived here long,’ you say, as if you probably know but just aren’t telling them. You take a seat on the couch and wait for them to sit as well. Don’t they know that a lady always pretends she was expecting whatever happens in front of her? Probably not. Your mother’s lessons were … atypical. You would probably do just fine if you ended up in a film noir, but the practicalities for everyday life really aren’t there.

‘He wasn’t gone long,’ Kanaya says.

‘Perhaps he has a lot on his mind,’ you say. ‘Dave assures me he is physically fine, so that will have to do for now. Karkat, what’s going on with Gamzee and Tavros?’ you ask, to change the subject.

Karkat has a lot to say about Gamzee and Tavros.

When you walk to your room later, you hear Bro talking to Dave from Dave’s room. You keep your steps precisely measured, even though you want to run and hide in your bed. Your mother raised you better than that.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum!

TT: Mom, I know you aren’t allowed computers, I know this is stupid.

TT: As Dave would say, “whatever”. It’s close enough.

TT: I miss you.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum!

TT: Yes, and fuck you too, Pesterchum.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum!

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

Chapter Text

You stay all night with Dave. At first you lie on your back and he curls away from you, his back right up close to your side and you know that as soon as he’s asleep you’ll be able to sneak away. But you don’t, and he rolls around in his sleep, sometimes throwing his arm around you like you’re some oversized teddy bear, sometimes not touching you at all and you just stay there for it. You feel like you’re only in the real world when he moves and reminds you of it. The rest of the time you just let your thoughts go wild and it’s almost like meditating, just louder.

Your life has been long, and parts of it have been complicated. You don’t feel the need to go over it in any great detail with anyone, not even yourself. Certainly, you didn’t enjoy being ostracised because you didn’t have family, despite the war killing plenty of parents. You know you were in a vulnerable spot, no matter how fit you were physically and you know Luke took advantage of that. You know your relationship with him wasn’t especially healthy, nor was your rebound onto Jake. You know your revenge mission was interesting enough and that the whole Roxy relationship culminating in you raising Dave would make for a pretty good arc on a soap opera.

Dave sighs in his sleep and you look at the clock. Midnight. Huh, feels like it should be later.

Despite all this, you’ve never felt the need to connect everything. But now you’re obsessing, trying to find links between Jake and Luke, between Caliborn and everything . You have to imagine that Caliborn found out about you because you turned Kanaya. You have no idea how those things were linked, but despite you not knowing Caliborn that well, you know he doesn’t have patience. You know he wouldn’t hold onto the knowledge that you exist for twenty years before acting on it. So what changed? You made a new vampire. Hence, he has some way of knowing that, that’s how he found out about you, that’s the connection.

Jake worked for this fucker. Jake killed Luke on his orders. But Caliborn didn’t know about you, didn’t know why Jake disappeared. But, of course, Jake had to keep adventuring. If Caliborn had kept half an ear out for news about an Indiana Jones wannabe, he would have known where to find Jake. Would have known where to place a bounty.

Dave rolls over and you see that it’s now two in the morning.

Can you hold all that against Caliborn? It’s just business, in a sense. Sure, he’s killed the two most important men in your life, but he didn’t do that for the reason of hurting you.

Can you just seduce him? Obviously you can , you’re Dirk motherfucking Strider, but … can you bear to seduce the man who cost you so much? If you don’t, will he kill you and Dave and Kanaya and Roxy? Your moral qualms mean nothing against their suffering.

Fuck, you don’t know how to gain the upper hand, that’s the thing.

You feel when Dave wakes up, his breathing changes and there’s just a different energy. He doesn’t move for a few minutes, and then he sits up, perfectly alert. You hand him his shades without thinking about it and he climbs over you to go about his morning. You stay in his bed, stare at the ceiling.

There’s always people in your house now. You used to hide in the crawl space because Dave was too much sometimes, now there’s Rose and Kanaya as well and there always seems to be an extra hanging around. Even when Roxy sorts herself out and takes Rose back, you’ll be stuck with Kanaya for … well, eternity, unless she wants to go do her own thing. Not like you’re ever going to kick her out. And you don’t just owe these people your hospitality and protection, you owe them your honesty, which has never been something you’ve been good at. You would lie if you could come up with something convincing. If Dave wouldn’t pick up on it immediately.

Dave comes into the room and pulls you up by the wrists, drags you to the living room. You just flop on the couch there, you don’t mind relocating if he wants his room free. But he doesn’t need his room, he just shoves a controller into your hands and pulls up Mad Snacks Yo . You hold the controller loosely while you think. You twiddle the joysticks absently, not even really looking at your character on the screen.

Can you ask for their advice? Does that undermine your authority? Can they give advice on the information you’ve given them so far? God, you wish Jane was alive.

Roxy, Roxy will help.

‘Time is it?’ you ask Dave.

‘Two in the afternoon.’

‘Where’s Rose?’

‘Probably in her room.’

You’re tempted to just shout for her, but you don’t really do shouting.

‘Ask her if she wants to visit her mom tonight.’

‘ ROSE !’ Dave shouts.

You lean back slightly as if the force of his yell has blown you back.

Rose appears in the doorway just as Dave is sucking in air to shout for her again.

‘If you ask me to get you an apple juice …’ Rose says.

‘You wanna visit your mom tonight?’ you ask before she can threaten Dave.

‘Aw yeah, can you grab me an aj? Now you say it …’

‘Yes,’ Rose says. ‘That would be nice.’

Her face is just a smidge too composed. You think she wants it quite a bit. Damn, you’ve been neglecting that front again. Your way of focusing intently on one thing at a time really isn’t conducive to being a good parent.

You make sure it’s all okay with the rehab people and decide that today is your do-things-a-responsible-person-would-do day. You clean the apartment. You find out that the holidays are over and Rose has been skipping school and you leave her a note telling her not to do that (that’s how parents do that, right?). You file Dave’s homeschooling stuff and dump a load of papers on his new subjects on his desk. You answer emails and pack smuppets into boxes and stick labels on them. You sneak up on Kanaya six times, brandishing Cal, and by the fourth time she doesn’t even attack you. The second time she got the drop on you and nearly took your nose off when she tackled you and hissed uncomfortably close to you.

Karkat and Dave leave for part of the day, but they both come back before the sun sets. Apparently Karkat’s coming along with you to visit Roxy, too. Why do these kids never ask you if they’re invited?

Roxy meets you in the cafeteria this time, a place filled with other people presumably getting over stuff too. She lets you all come to her, doesn’t do anything as undignified as rushing over or anything like that. You hug her and suffer through an overly dramatic kiss before she turns to Rose. You scrub at your lips with the back of your hand and note that she’s allowed makeup again. Dave’s smartass smirk is cut off by him being dragged into a big hug too. You decide to take a seat. Roxy hugs Kanaya and Karkat as well. Then Karkat introduces himself, looking incredibly awkward.

You all take seats at her table and she smiles at you in turn. She looks better, more like herself. You’re not sure how much of that’s the makeup, if it’s because she’s put the weight she lost back on or if it’s just that her smile seems genuine.

‘How’s tricks?’ you ask.

‘Tricks are good !’ she says. ‘I didn’t want to say until I was sure, but it looks like I’ll be out of here in two weeks!’

‘Holy shit, Rox,’ you say, sitting up.

Rose lets out a little noise and covers her mouth daintily.

‘Hey, congrats,’ Dave says warmly.

‘Yeah, I mean, I still gotta come back and do the therapy stuff, which is kinda a relief ‘cause I don’t know if I’m ready to just be chucked out with nothin’, but yeah!’ Roxy beams at you all. ‘Rosie, I was thinkin’, maybe we could ease our way back into it too, rather than just, woah! Jumpin’ in, does that make sense?’

‘Sure,’ Rose says hesitantly. ‘What do you mean, precisely?’

‘Well, how’s about you do two days with me, five with your daddy for the first week, just so as we know I can take it. I know it sucks, but I’m still wobbly on my feet, love, I don’t want to end up back here, gotta be gentle, ya feel?’

‘Right,’ Rose says with a small smile. ‘That makes sense.’

‘If that’s cool with you, daddy-o?’ Roxy says. She reaches out for Rose’s hand and Rose only hesitates slightly before she lets her have it.

‘Course it is. Always got a room at mine.’

‘Right! Well, that’s out of the way! Kan, darling, how are you adjusting?’

The conversation turns pretty naturally from one topic to the next, but you stay out of it while you think about how to cheer Rose up. You’ve gotten to know her pretty well and you know that she probably knows she should be proud of her mom for taking her recovery seriously, but you also know that she almost definitely wanted her to be fighting tooth and nail to get back to her. Delaying it must feel like a betrayal, even if it’s for good reasons. You’re drawing a blank when Roxy starts waving her hand in front of your face to get your attention.

‘Dirk, where are your shades?’ she asks.

‘Broke,’ you say with a shrug. ‘Ordered another pair.’

‘Heaven forbid you wear other shades in the meantime,’ she says.

‘Dave’s old ones’d be too small for my face, thought of that already.’

‘I think she meant that you could grab a pair from a store,’ Dave says with a smirk.

‘What? No, my shades are my shades, I ain’t gonna wear other shit.’

‘Wait, does that mean Dave’s old ones were exactly the same as yours?’ Karkat asks, making triangle shapes with his fingers.

‘Yeah,’ you say, not seeing a problem with that. You were actually a bit bummed when he swapped his matching pair for the aviator style he wears now, but also kinda proud that he was establishing his own style. Of course, turns out that he didn’t find them himself, he got them as a present, but that’s still cool. Especially because they were supposed to be a joke gift and he’s wearing them ironically. You can appreciate that.

‘I got pictures of me when I was two wearing tiny shades,’ Dave says.

‘Yeah,’ you say, still not seeing a problem. ‘That was hella cute.’

‘Need to see them,’ Karkat says desperately.

You smirk at him.

‘I’ll even make you copies if you want.’

‘Dirky, where’s your head been this visit?’ Roxy asks.

‘Want to get your advice on some shit,’ you say, because that’s close enough. You glance around to make sure that none of the humans in the room are interested in what you’re talking about. ‘Went to see my boy Caliborn again.’

‘You want sex tips?’ Roxy says with a wicked smirk.

‘Rox, no. It’s me. No, just found out that he’s, uh, higher up in the organisation than I thought. Kinda thought he was an idiot nobody, turns out he’s the big boss.’

Roxy becomes serious.

‘What does that mean?’ she asks.

‘Means he’s responsible for Luke. Claimed he was responsible for Jake too.’

Roxy leans back in her chair and does a slow sweep of the room, her eyes lingering on the occupants.

‘You gonna kill him?’ she whispers, leaning close.

‘Nah, he’s got The Felt and The Midnight Crew answering to him, plus who knows how many well-meaning adventuring kids. Not sure I could. Not sure I should .’

‘Right. But if you don’t …’

‘Yeah, well his threats carry a bit more weight now. Not that I wasn’t takin’ them serious as it was. I just thought I could handle it if he tried.’

‘You got responsibilities, Dirk.’

‘Yeah, don’t I know it. Seems I pick up a new kid every month. I say we adopt Gamzee next. Him or Nepeta.’

‘John’ll be offended,’ Dave says.

‘Dirk, focus,’ Roxy snaps. ‘If you ain’t gonna …’ she leans in again, ‘ kill him, you gotta neutralise him somehow.’

‘Yeah,’ you say.

It’s quiet for a bit.

‘I thought you were gonna use your magic sex powers,’ Dave says.

Rose’s eyebrows go up so fast you worry for the muscles in her face.

‘Yeah, well, that was the plan, show him that I’m more fun alive than dead,’ you say. ‘But it’s still a risk and it’d make me feel … I dunno, a bit cheap?’

‘You make smuppet porn,’ Dave says flatly. ‘How can this be cheaper than that?’

‘What porn?’ Kanaya asks.

‘You make porn?’ Karkat says.

Rose and Dave share a look and then both look away as casually as they can. You’re actually kind of impressed that they have been able to keep that quiet.

‘Smuppets are smutty puppets of my own design. I sell them and make videos with them to boost sales. You’ve probably seen them around the apartment, they just spread, I dunno how.’

‘Because you never keep them to your room!’ Dave hisses.

You shrug.

‘With the noses?’ Karkat asks warily.

You nod.

‘Site’s plush rump dot com if they tickle your fancy,’ you say.

‘I would break up with you,’ Dave says, entirely seriously. ‘If you got into puppets, that would just be it, no return from that, I’m sorry, that’s my limit.’

‘Doesn’t support his old man at all,’ you say mournfully.

‘Putting aside the rather large divide between my father and brother’s sexual preferences,’ Rose says coolly, ‘perhaps we should return to the matter at hand? You wanted my mother’s advice.’

‘Thank you, Rosie,’ Roxy says. ‘You liked Caliborn before, right?’

You nod.

‘Hon, you’ve put off this revenge so long. Do you really still feel the need to go through with it?’

You lean back in your chair and stare at the ceiling to think that over. You’ve been wanting revenge for Luke’s murder for longer than you haven’t, for more times over than you even knew Luke. You kinda let that go when you forgave Jake, as much as you always told yourself that forgiving him meant nothing because you still were going to go after whoever was in charge. You wouldn’t have been able to be with him at all if you hadn’t worked past those feelings of hurt and betrayal. And, as special as Jake himself was, you processed his death decades ago now. It still hurts, you still miss him, still feel a pang when you smell the sea or someone reminds you of him, but … Is there a need to get all angry and murderey? You’re a bit too chill for all that, really. You’re a cool dude. Not much gets you riled up. Yeah, all that can stay in the past, you think.

‘I’m chill,’ you say.

‘I forgot how annoying that is,’ Roxy says fondly. ‘Sorry, Karkat, continue.’

‘Oh, I was basically done,’ Karkat says awkwardly.

‘You sure? Okay. So, Dirk, you’re chill?’

‘Yup,’ you say.

‘That all you got to say on the matter?’

‘Yeah, thanks Rox, you always know what to say.’

Roxy rolls her eyes.

You listen as Roxy does her level best to be an embarrassing mom to Dave, asking them how they got together, asking Karkat if Dave’s a good kisser, pulling condoms (why does she even have them in rehab?) and pressing them into both of their hands. She asks Karkat what his plans for college are and then asks Dave if he’s gonna follow his boyfriend like a little sap.

Dave mutters, ‘ oh thank fucking god ,’ under his breath when a nurse comes around and tells your group that you should head home so Roxy can get some sleep.

Roxy presses a kiss to Rose’s forehead before disentangling herself from their cute mother-daughter cuddle. You hadn’t noticed they had gotten that close. Should you be giving Rose more hugs? Should you be giving Dave more hugs? Roxy hugs and kisses everyone multiple times before you get out of there. You pinch her butt for good measure and grin at her when she squeaks.

You pile into a taxi together, the four kids squished illegally into the backseat and make your way home, listening to them all talk over one another. Karkat is apparently staying the night again.

You watch the boys go into Dave’s room and grab Rose’s arm.

‘Should I be worried? Should I be saying something? What do I do?’

‘Dave still blushes when Karkat holds his hand, I think you’re fine,’ she says wryly.

‘Okay,’ you say. ‘I’m gonna … fuck it, I’m gonna go for a fly for completely unrelated reasons, you wanna come, Kanaya?’

‘I think I will stay in, thank you,’ she says.

You nod and fold yourself into a bat before you can think too deeply about any of that. Who would ever want to have teenagers? This is your punishment for being way too transparent about sex with your kid.

You only just make it back before sunrise.

Chapter Text

You decide to take a couple of days off from the Caliborn drama. You pack the kids off to various sleepovers so that you can film enough porn to set you up for two months. You make sure Rose has started going to school again and that Dave has started his coursework. You set up a movie marathon and watch transfixed as John proves that there are people in the world with worse movie taste than Jake English. Where Jake just liked literally every movie that crossed his path, John has incredibly discerning taste, just in the complete wrong direction.

You resolve not to fall in love with John just because he sometimes seems like a new version of Jake. That would be so like you. You just follow Dave’s lead and tease him mercilessly.

A couple of days stretches into a couple of weeks and suddenly it’s the night before Rose has a sleepover at her mom’s house. Which is a weird way to put it. You watch her pack from her doorway.

‘Are you looming for a reason?’ she asks politely.

‘You okay?’ you ask.

‘Of course,’ she says, smoothing down her skirt as she stands to face you.

‘Want a hug?’ you say, opening your arms and shrugging your shoulders at the same time.

‘Oh …’ Rose says. ‘Ah …’

‘Might make you feel better,’ you say.

‘Yes …’ she says.

She steps forward and into your arms. She’s nearly as awkward as you are, hesitating at every moment before she wraps her arms around your waist. You hug her firmly and rest your chin on her head. She’s so little.

‘Um …’ she says. ‘You don’t have to …’

‘Kid, I’m not super cuddly with Dave ‘cause he likes to think he’s cool. I like hugs and I love you and if you’re comfortable with hugging your weirdo never-aging dad-bro then we should hug every now and again.’

‘Oh …’ she says.

You let her go and she steps back, holds her hands together primly.

‘Been meaning to talk to you about your mom,’ you say. ‘Didn’t want to spring it on you when you were still getting used to me, then shit happened and I’m bad at this shit, but I think it’s worth having a chat before you go home.’

‘I see,’ she says. ‘Would you like to take a seat?’

You sit on her desk chair and she sits on her bed and tucks her ankles next to her. You slide your new shades, (identical to your old ones) up onto your head.

‘First off, no judgement zone and anything you say to me in here I don’t repeat to anyone, not Rox, not Dave, it’s just you and me, ‘kay?’

‘Okay.’

‘You wanna tell me how you’re feeling about going home?’

‘It’s not really home, is it?’ she says, with just a hint of an edge on her voice. She could be remarking on the weather, otherwise. ‘What’s homey about that place? It’s big and empty and someone else cooks and cleans and I never see her unless she’s making some passive aggressive gesture or she’s decided that it’s her “mom” day of the month and she turns on the charm.’

You lean forwards and hold out your hand. She stares at it for a moment before she takes it. You rub little circles on it like Jane used to do for you when you were freaking out about one thing or another.

‘I’m sorry, kid, you don’t deserve that.’

‘No, I’m being silly,’ she says. ‘There are plenty of people in much worse situations, and I’m complaining because my mother once bought me a pony and put it in the living room for no discernable reason.’

You do not let your face move, because you will laugh at that if you don’t keep perfect control.

‘You don’t have to go home if you don’t want to, you always have a room with me.’

‘I miss her! And isn’t that just Strider-brand ironic, because I’ll happily complain to anyone who gives me a prompt and more than five minutes time, but I miss her so badly it hurts and I’ll take the once monthly affection like a sucker even as I complain about it.’

You move to sit on the bed with her, hold your arm open in invitation. She leans in with no hesitation this time.

‘It’s okay to have complicated feelings about your mom,’ you say, rubbing her arm in what you hope is a comforting way. ‘People aren’t just one thing. Feelings aren’t just one thing, either.’

‘Yes, my tendency to pigeon hole feelings is rather harmful.’

‘How about, instead of using the word harmful, you say “unhelpful”,’ you suggest.

‘Oh, you’re good , aren’t you?’ she says.

You smirk at her. Yes, you enjoy reading about therapy techniques as much as she does. Dave got into it about five years ago and you wholeheartedly embraced the topic. Now that you think about it, that might have been in response to Rose.

She sighs.

‘It’s exhausting, wanting her affection and not trusting it when it comes.’

‘I think this is one of those situations where it was a lot easier to be her partner than her child,’ you say.

‘Well, if we were equal, perhaps I could withhold as well, or … discuss it properly, I’m not sure. Was her drinking so harmful when you were together?’

‘Dunno, to be honest. She certainly drank a lot. But, she wasn’t responsible for anything. And I kinda liked her going distant on me. I need breaks sometimes, she wasn’t too clingy.’

‘I remember when I was 14 and talking to Dave, both of us never sure when our guardians were being sincere, whether they even liked us.’

You sigh gently.

‘Yeah, we both lean on the irony pretty hard sometimes.’

‘But he got over it.’

You take your arm away and lean against the wall. Your leg is still touching Rose’s but you’re not quite so up in her business.

‘I was an idiot when he was that age. Still am, but … when he was, I dunno, 10 or something, all of a sudden he got my jokes. He picked up on innuendo and bantered back. He was like, this person , not just this kid. And I fucked up, I treated him like an equal, I was fucking lonely. And he was strong and fast, could keep up with me better than any human and he … well, he thought I was a fuckin’ hero, if we’re being honest. It was …’ You shrug, not sure how to explain it. You hadn’t had a friend you could be honest with for years, since Jane died.

‘It went to your head,’ Rose says. She leans back next to you, looks at you like she’s listening. You look away, tell the ceiling your story.

‘Yeah, it went to my head. God, the movies I showed him. Like because I didn’t hear him having nightmares that meant he could cope. When I was a kid we didn’t fuckin’ have movies, not like we do now, and even the worst of them implied violence, didn’t fuckin’ show it. Like that was the worst thing I did. Cut him up sparring with him and showed him how to do his own stitches, like I wouldn’t always be there to do it for him. Got obsessed with making him as strong as he could be, as cool and smart as he could be, no idea why, now.’

Rose looks at you, and you’re kind of glad that she doesn’t try to excuse your actions.

‘Anyway, he exploded. Worse than he did when he was six and he had to tell me that most families had food in their fridges.’ You cover your face with your hands. ‘Told me I was a creepy abusive shit and he couldn’t wait until he was 18 and could leave. I honestly had no idea he felt that way. Like one day everything I did was awesome, the next he flipped, everything was awful.’

‘He does tend to explode,’ Rose says mildly.

‘Yeah. I, um … did not respond well. Actually, I took off for … fuck, a month? And then came back and didn’t leave the house for six months, over correcting my bullshit with just a different kind of bullshit.’

‘You … left him?’

‘Yeah, I’m a shit dad, Rose. He fucking managed because I taught him to be able to cope on his own. And apparently didn’t even tell anyone, because I taught him to keep our family shit private. But I listened to what he said, eventually, and I freaked out because I love him and he’s an empathetic son of a bitch so he just … accepted it. Like I say, I’m a shit dad, but I dunno, I got his back, I think I’m an alright bro.’

‘He still thinks the world of you,’ Rose says.

‘Yeah, well, he’s an idiot. My point is that I’m not … like, Dave doesn’t stress about the quality of my parenting skills, he just lives with me and calls me on my shit when I fuck up.’

‘I don’t think I can call my mother on her shit,’ Rose says.

‘No, I don’t think that’s a reasonable expectation for any kid. How do you feel about coming to me with concerns, though?’

She stares at you.

‘I’m not holdin’ you to this, I just think that if she starts playing her pony slash vacuum games that maybe I can tactfully tell her to cut it the fuck out.’

‘Can you tell her to cut treating me like a burden on her recovery the fuck out?’ Rose says.

‘No. Because she’s trying to do right by the both of you and she ain’t promising shit she can’t deliver on, which is a problem for her. I can listen to you say shit like that, though.’

She looks at you steadily.

‘Good,’ she says.

‘You testing me, Lalonde?’

‘Yes.’

‘Alright.’

You stare at the ceiling.

‘I hate her sometimes, for hanging on just long enough until I was back involved in her shit and then flaking out,’ you say.

Rose nods.

‘I hate how I know how to cheat at poker but don’t know how to wash clothes.’

‘I can teach you, it’s easier than it seems with all those fucking labels.’

‘I’m going to miss Dave’s cooking when I move back home.’

‘I’m going to miss you.’

‘You’ll be glad to have your space back.’

‘Yeah. Still gonna miss you.’

‘I get it. You don’t lie and say you won’t be glad, so I don’t think the rest is a lie. That’s what Dave had that I didn’t.’

You don’t reply.

The silence stretches out long past the point where Dave would have started fidgeting.

‘We cool?’ you say.

‘Dad, I don’t think there are two cooler beings on this entire planet of Earth.’

You smirk at her and heave to your feet. She almost sounded confident calling you “dad”.

‘You snag me if you need a chat. I know you got Kan and Dave, but they’re just kids as well. I got your back.’

‘I know.’

You ruffle her hair and her headband slips down onto her face. She glares at you in that way that’s particular to someone that actually likes you fine. You leave her to her thoughts.

Chapter Text

When Rose comes back after her first night with her mom in months, she seems cautiously optimistic. She hugs you as a greeting, and it’s less awkward. You guess you’ll practice that one.

‘I suppose I thought it would feel like being abandoned, coming back here again,’ she says dryly at dinner. ‘I’m glad to report that I did not once succumb to the temptations to let the evening devolve into an exhibition of passive-aggressive showmanship.’

‘Well, I did feel abandoned,’ Dave says. ‘So obviously I fucked with your room in your absence. Don’t leave again.’

Rose smirks at him.

‘Brother, you do not want to get into this game with me,’ she says.

‘Don’t make me turn this car around,’ you say, not looking up from the part you’re tinkering with. You’re allowed to fiddle with robotics in the lounge so long as they can’t tell they’re smuppet parts. You’re allowed to have them at the table so you don’t just watch the humans eat like a weirdo while you try and have family dinner. Kanaya does embroidery.

‘By the way, I messaged Ellie, gonna get her to come around when she’s free. Are you guys happy with that?’ you say.

The conversation turns to Dave asking if he can go to John’s house and then to Rose describing something that John did at school. You manage to bind the two stubborn panels together and you can finally move the part how it should move. Holy shit, this is a breakthrough. You leave the table to go to your work bench proper and you don’t know how long it is before Dave is patting you on the shoulder, telling you you need to take a break.

‘Breaks are for nerds,’ you say, waving him away.

‘No, getting caught up in weird robotic projects and never leaving them is for nerds. Come on, man, how long has it been since you ate?’

You almost wave him off again, but he has a point. You pull out your phone and check your messages. A couple from Roxy, nothing you need to reply to, one ominous one from Caliborn that you decide to leave for now, but nothing else. You open your chat with Ellie and make sure your message went through. It did, five days ago. You send another, asking if she’s alright.

You force yourself to leave your room.

‘What did I miss?’ you say.

‘It’s Cal night tonight,’ Dave says. ‘Lil Cal, that is. Uh, Rose had another day with Mom, John came over and played the “how many pieces of paper can I stick in Bro’s hair” game and that’s about it.’

Your hands fly to your hair. There are indeed spikey pieces of paper wedged into your ‘do. This is what you get for wearing too much hair gel and training yourself to never touch your hair absentmindedly in case you fuck it up.

‘Right, well I’m going to have a shower.’

Ellie still hasn’t replied to you when you get out, but you don’t have time to track her before your show. You check in on Rose for long enough to assure her that you’ll have a proper catch up tomorrow, make sure Kanaya still has the proper number of limbs and go a super quick round of Lil Cal strife with Dave before you have to leave.

You scan the crowd for Caliborn like you have every Tuesday since you first saw him at the club, but he’s not there. You need to deal with his message. He’s not going to wait for you to come to him forever. You rap on auto pilot, fight with Cronus about Cal’s insensitivity (‘It’s not on this day and age!’ ‘Cal’s in his 70s, you know, he’s from a different generation.’ ‘Fuck Cal, I’m talking to you, Bro! I’ll cut your act!’) and sit at the bar, pretending to drink as you look at your chat log with Ellie and wonder if it’s worth picking someone up.

‘We’re closing, Bro,’ Cronus says.

‘Yeah?’ you say.

‘Fuck off home,’ he says.

You send a quick message to Dave saying you’ll try and be home before sunrise but you’re just getting food if you aren’t. You don’t want him to worry.

‘Why don’t you take me back to yours?’ you say, meeting Cronus’s eyes over the top of your shades.

‘Bro …’ he says. ‘I ain’t into the puppet shit, I don’t have it in me, I tried.’

‘Eh.’

He looks at you suspiciously.

‘You said it was a deal breaker.’

‘End of the night, Cronus, I’m good, but I don’t think I’m so good I can pick up a puppet fucker at this hour.’

‘You’re drunk,’ he accuses.

You grin at him and flashstep so you’re only an inch apart.

‘Nah, I got complete control.’

He doesn’t move away, but his hands curl into fists and then release. He bites his lip.

You reach a hand into his hair and run your fingers through it. He uses good product, it feels soft even though it’s firm. The stupid coloured streak is purple at the moment, though you’ve seen it almost every colour of the rainbow. He’s skinny and you get the feeling he hates that you’re taller even though he is obviously into the way you look.

‘I need a fuckin’ smoke,’ he says.

‘Thought you quit.’

‘Yeah, well, you bring it out in me.’

He shoves past you to go back behind the bar and slams the safe door shut. He walks to the door and you follow him, waiting for him to turn the lights of and set the alarm on his way out.

He pulls a crinkled packet of smokes out of his pocket and swears.

‘Haven’t got a fucking lighter, what the fuck use is an emergency pack if I forget the fucking lighter …’

You pull a lighter from your sylladex. Roxy would be fucking proud if she saw how nicely you hold it for him. He takes a deep suck and holds it in his lungs for long enough that you’re starting to get kind of concerned. He lets it out in a thin, slow stream.

‘You want some?’ he says, holding it to you.

‘Nah, never been my thing,’ you say.

‘Waste of fucking money, I’ll tell you right now.’

You make a noise just to indicate that you’re listening.

‘You really want to come back to my place?’

‘You gonna put out?’

He takes another puff of his cigarette and scowls at you.

‘Yeah, I fuckin’ will and all.’

‘You gonna be chill about this next week?’

‘So long as you don’t sneak a puppet in my ass while my back’s turned.’

You grin at him.

‘I’ll restrain myself,’ you promise.

‘Just tonight, yeah?’ he says.

‘Yep.’

He takes a last drag of the cigarette and drops it to the pavement, stomping it out with his boot. He leads you to a car that of course belongs to him, it’s tacky as shit. You hate it so much it swings back the other side and becomes ironic appreciation.

‘Nice car,’ you say as you get in.

‘Always wanted one. Wife said “no”. Didn’t realise how fucking ridiculous it was until I owned it. Whatever, not gonna get rid of it and prove her right.’

He drives like a dickhead too, accelerating and braking too fast, turning like he thinks he’s in a movie. Or maybe he’s just trying to get you home before you change your mind.

He leads the way inside an apartment building and starts up the stairs without checking to see if you’re following. You’re kind of impressed he isn’t being a needy shit about this. He leaves the door open for you and walks straight into his apartment.

You sigh and lean against his doorframe. Why is this so fucking hard.

‘Cronus,’ you say. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Yeah, what are you waiting for, a formal fucking invitation?’

‘Couldn’t hurt,’ you say.

‘Fine. Bro, please do come inside. Jesus Christ, you’re lucky you’re so hot.’

You snort to yourself and walk in. It’s not like you’ve been especially difficult so far. He’s in the kitchen, using one of those long lighters Dave uses to light the gas plates on the stove to light another cigarette.

‘Dude, I’m not that bad, am I?’ you say.

He sighs and smoke whooshes out of his mouth. He waves it aside.

‘Nah, just having a bit of a shit time of it lately.’

‘Want me to distract you?’

He stubs the cigarette out in the sink.

‘Yeah,’ he says. He pulls his shirt off and walks over to you, pulls you down for a kiss with a lot more confidence than you expected. He tastes like smoke, mostly, but also kind of like mint, like he was chewing gum recently. You put your hands on his hips, let yourself relax into the kiss. He’s fucking eager. He knocks your cap off and you take your shades off and captchalogue them before he can rough them up.

He looks into your eyes for a few long seconds before he kisses you again. He pulls at your hair and you let out a tiny gasp as he forces your head back and bites at your neck. Your fangs retract without you meaning it, it’s been too long since your last feed.

You flashstep and pull him with you, force him against his kitchen wall and sink your fangs into his neck. He makes this breathy little moan as you suck his blood, then heal the puncture wounds.

‘That was a hickey,’ you tell him.

‘You’re lucky I like scarves,’ he says.

You decide that’s good enough reason to give him another one. You run your hands up and down his bare chest as you suck a second and third bruise into his neck. He pulls impatiently at your shirt and you let him take it off you. Ugh, you’re leaving a cliche movie trail of clothes to his bedroom. Of course this is how it’s going to go between you and Cronus. He pushes you back to arms length and holds you still while he stares at your chest. You roll your eyes, but you’re kind of flattered as well. Cronus is playing that line between idiotic and hot like it’s fucking jump rope.

He backs back and drags you towards the rest of the apartment. His bedroom is thankfully normal, though you wouldn’t really have cared if it turned out he put his bed on a stupid platform or something. You let him push you onto the bed and straddle your lap. He grinds up against you with intent and you get his belt free with quick fingers.

‘Can I suck you,’ he says.

You cock your head to the side and wonder how much of an asshole you’re going to be.

‘Please,’ he says, before you can even make him. ‘Want your cock.’

‘Since you asked so nice,’ you say.

You both take off your pants and Cronus rolls back on top of you as soon as he’s naked. You thrust up into his warm body, not really trying anything, just enjoying the sensation. He kisses and sucks down your chest.

He doesn’t waste any time, doesn’t tease or work up to it, just starts messily sucking on you like it’s going out of style. Okay, suddenly the desperation is working for you. You relax into the bed. It’s nice, he’s good, feels real good. He pumps his hand up and down your dick and sucks just a tad too roughly on your balls. God, good. Good.

‘Cronus,’ you moan.

He moans right back and the vibration that causes is fucking delicious, you want him to keep doing that, to be your personal vibrator, buzzing around your balls. You thrust into his hand appreciatively and he licks against your head with a flat tongue with this awesome pressure, this on then off feeling. You moan again, moan like you would in one of your videos. You like that he’s seen you before, like that you’re fucking celebrity to him, it feels like he’s worshipping your cock, like he loves it, wants more of it, like if you came he’d fucking take it and be happy.

Your hips twitch up again, but you keep from choking him. He moans again, this time around your dick and he’s encouraging you to thrust, he wants you to fuck his face and holy shit … You move tentatively, shallowly, but he meets you, sinks down until you’re sheathed in him. Fuck, you are not a small guy, you’re in motherfucking porn, you had no idea he could do this.

‘Shit, Cronus,’ you say.

He pulls back until just the very tip of your dick is in his mouth and looks up at you. His hair has fallen out of its usual slicked back state and his cheeks are flushed and his eyes are so fucking hungry. He looks you dead in the eye as he slowly, slowly , slides down your dick. You force your stupid suddenly-weak arms to support you, as much as you want to collapse under the feeling of holy fuck, good, yes .

Somehow, he manages to smirk around your dick, lips twitching and eyes crinkling. He looks so fucking pretty like this.

His hand disappears from your thigh and you think he’s touching himself, which is also fucking hot, but you don’t want to come like this, don’t want him to come like this, before you’ve gotten the chance to fuck him properly.

Still, you would be a sorry excuse for a porn star if you couldn’t stave off an orgasm for a while.

Shit, though, when he takes you down into his throat like that … you haven’t had this for years and his sense of rhythm is lovely .

‘Cronus,’ you say.

His mouth makes a sloppy pop sound as he comes off your dick.

‘Yeah,’ he says, voice all raspy. You did that to him.

‘Come up here.’

He crawls up to you quickly. Holy shit, he’ll do anything you tell him to. A guy could get used to this kind of power. You kiss him, reward him, he’s done so well. Oh, you’re gonna tell him, guy like this, you bet he likes that.

‘Cronus, you’re so hot,’ you say.

He groans into your mouth. You guide his face to the side, kiss and suck at his neck.

‘You did such a good job,’ you say, thrusting against his leg to emphasise your point. He’s got a hell of a hard on and you haven’t touched him yet, that’s just from servicing you.

‘Bro,’ he whines.

‘You got lube?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Get it for me,’ you say.

He moves quickly and you kiss him when he gets back. You keep your head, even as you tangle tongues with him, even as he gasps against you. You have to, you’re in control. You pull back and he licks his lips, staring at you with bedroom eyes.

‘Prepare yourself,’ you tell him.

He nods, falls onto his back and parts his legs. You lean over him as he pours lube onto fingers that are only shaking a little bit. He arches into your kisses, he’s so into this.

You kiss him as he reaches between his legs.

‘Yes,’ you whisper in his ear and he moans, shifts his legs wider. One leg brushes against your cock and you lean into it instinctively.

‘Good boy,’ you growl.

‘Oh, fuck, Bro , fuck …’ he says.

You pinch at his nipples and bite at his neck, watch his hand move. He’s moving quickly, but he’s focused on you. You need him to be paying attention to getting himself ready. Maybe if you get him thinking about what’s to come …

‘Gonna fuck you so nice,’ you say.

‘Jesus Christ, your voice ,’ Cronus gasps.

You laugh into his neck, because of course he likes your voice, that’s your fucking job. But it’s making you want to talk more and you don’t usually do that.

‘Cronus,’ you say in your sexiest porno growl.

He jolts and swears under his breath.

‘You got me impatient,’ you say. You nip at his earlobe. ‘Want to fuck you so bad. You’re fucking gorgeous.’

His hand gropes around at the sheets before he finds the lube and throws it at you.

‘Go slow,’ he breathes. ‘You’re fucking big.’

‘Mmm,’ you say. You bring him in for a kiss before you slick up your cock. ‘Turn over,’ you tell him.

He moans and obeys. He’s four fingers deep in his ass and he hasn’t taken them out yet. You pull him out gently and then guide him where you want him.

‘Fuck, you’re gorgeous,’ you say.

You push in slowly, just the tip at first. You wait until he’s relaxed before you push in again.

‘ Fuck ,’ he moans.

‘You’re doing great,’ you say. You give him another inch. He pants and arches up to you. ‘God, Cronus, so fucking hot.’

You shift down to kiss him and swear when he pulls you another inch deeper.

‘I’m okay,’ he says, clinging to your neck.

You back up a little and push back in, hoping the friction will help.

‘God,’ he says. ‘Hurts, but good …’

You adjust your angle and push in, just a bit more … there , he tenses and relaxes against you, fast and helpless, and you know you’ve hit his prostate.

‘Okay?’ you ask.

‘Fuck, yes, again,’ he says.

You take care to brush the spot again, keeping your thrusts as small as you can. You feel it when he relaxes enough for you to push in a bit further.

He moans, loudly.

You dig your nails into his hips to keep from thrusting in response.

He backs into you another inch. You stroke up his spine, up to his neck, grab at his hair. You lean into him and that’s it, you’re in.

‘Fuck, Cronus, god, you feel so good.’

‘Move, you fucker,’ he moans.

You obey without thinking, but catch yourself before you can forget your manners, stop before you slam into him. His hand reaches back as if to touch you. You grab it with your own, thread your fingers together.

‘Good?’

‘Bro, I swear to god …’

You reach underneath him and grab at his dick as you rock in again. He’s so hard, his skin stretched all smooth, feels like it must hurt. Feels like you’ve been going gentle on him for no fucking reason. You thrust a bit harder and he groans.

‘You got a kink here?’

Cronus just moans so you still yourself and squeeze his dick to get his attention.

‘Answer me.’

‘ Yes , feels good, so full .’

You start moving again and he whines.

‘Can take it,’ he gasps. ‘More!’

You sit up and brace your hands on his hips, give it to him a bit faster, a bit harder. It’s starting to make you feel all warm and tingly, all the way from your toes to your scalp, and watching your dick slide in and out so nicely is only making it feel better. He’s gorgeous, so tight, you like the way his tanned skin contrasts with your paleness, like his skinny ass, you stroke down his back and relish in the feeling of his skin.

‘ Bro ,’ he moans, and you pull him up a bit so he isn’t being forced into the mattress, so he can pull his hand out and touch himself.

‘Go on,’ you say, ‘Want you to come, want to feel it, do it Cronus.’

It’s sweet and painful when he comes, when he clenches around you, and you actually can’t move through it, but you focus on the feeling and push against him even though you’re not getting deeper and tip over the edge. You pull out when he relaxes and collapse onto the bed next to him. He’s panting worse than you.

‘Worth it?’ he asks.

‘Not gonna be your boyfriend, Cronus,’ you say.

He waves that away like he wasn’t expecting you to. Like you’ve never met the clingy bastard before.

‘I’d fuck you again,’ you admit. ‘Might not even make you get into puppets.’

‘I’ll take what I can get,’ he says dryly, as if he’s joking.

You kinda like to have a cuddle after sex, but you don’t want to be cruel, lead him on to think there’s something here that isn’t.

‘I’m gonna take off,’ you say.

‘You want a drink before you go?’

‘Nah.’

You climb back into your jeans and he leans on his elbows to watch you. You lean over him to give him a goodbye kiss. You check your phone and there’s still half an hour til sunrise, you can fly home that quick.

Chapter Text

When you get home, Kanaya is in her bat form, perched on the edge of the couch like a bird might. You land and crawl up to her, your claws snagging on the couch material. She flicks her massive ear at you and you waggle your little ones back. You let go with your wing claws and flop upside down, spreading your wings for balance. You transform back and turn right ways up. Kanaya startles a bit at the movement and looks at you blankly.

'What’s up?’ you say.

She doesn't reply.

'You know, you're far too stiff to pass for a real bat.’

She flicks her ear at you.

'Are you stuck? I got stuck once, forgot how to transform back.’

You go to pat her on her little head but she flinches away and you back off.

'I know you're not in a communicatey way, but is there something wrong? Duck your head or something for yes.’

She continues to watch you impartially. You decide that she just wants to be a bat, that’s cool.

An alarm sounds and you both look towards the hallway. A minute later, Dave comes out, gives a little bro nod and moves past you to the kitchen. He comes back out, juice in hand.

'Sup?’ he says. 'Made a new friend?’

'Nah, just Cronus,’ you say.

'What?’

You're distracted from replying by Rose and Kanaya coming out. You stare at them. You look down at the bat you're sitting next to. You frown in confusion.

'Who’s your friend?’ Kanaya asks as Rose makes a beeline for her morning coffee.

'Are you just a regular bat?’ you ask incredulously. The bat ducks its ears down, obviously not liking all the noise.

'Well, you're stuck here now, you nocturnal fool,’ you tell it. 'I thought it was you, Kanaya.’

'Do I look like that?’ she asks in a mildly interested tone.

'No,’ Dave says.

Rose comes back with a mug in her hands and scowls at you all. She gets her morning moods from you, Roxy was always annoyingly chipper in the morning. Not that it's been a problem for you since you stopped needing to sleep.

She sits next to you on the couch, absentmindedly patting the bat on the head. The bat strains a little.

'Oh, are your claws stuck?’ you ask.

The bat obviously doesn't respond and doesn't seem happy with all the people, so you transform into your bat form and land on the couch. Yeah, this fabric is murder on your claws. You crawl over to it and unhook its claws, one by one. It immediately starts flapping about unhelpfully. You make a little noise in admonishment and get the last couple of claws.

You chase the bat to the window, thankful that the sun has only just risen and isn't shining as high as your apartment yet.

You transform back, landing smoothly on your feet.

‘So, maybe we don’t leave the window open anymore?’

‘I left it open for you,’ Dave says.

‘Yeah, well, I can just transform on the stairwell.’

‘What were you saying about Cronus before?’

‘Ellie wasn’t answering, I went home with Cronus.’

‘Dude …’

‘What?’

‘Cronus is gross.’

‘You know, it’s rude to leave a lady out of a conversation,’ Rose says snappily. She’s so much more direct in the morning.

‘Cronus manages the club I work at. He’s not gross,’ you say.

‘He’s hella gross,’ Dave says. ‘Got all up in my biz as if I was cock blocking him or something, like I ever stood in Bro’s way and like Bro would ever go for someone as gross as him.’ He scrunches up his nose. ‘’Cept I guess you did, so …’

‘He did that? Wait, that’s not why you don’t come with anymore, is it?’

‘Nah, kept going for a while after that just to spite him, this was when I was like 11. I told you, I stopped going because Lil Cal is fucking creepy.’

You make a displeased hum. If you’d known about that you probably wouldn’t have gone home with him. You do not like it when people mess with your kid. Still, that would have been five years ago. He was a lot worse back then.

‘Pics,’ Rose demands, holding her hand up.

You pull out your phone and pull up the Facebook page for the club. There was a time when Cronus was in most of the pictures, but he really has mellowed out. You decide to take that into account before you break his legs for daring to talk to Dave in a hostile way. You flick through and find a picture. It’s pretty good, but then, he wouldn’t post unflattering pictures on the page.

‘He looks like a massive douche,’ Rose says.

‘I’m kinda a massive douche myself,’ you point out.

She flicks through the pictures and you let her after the initial stab of panic that comes before you remember they aren’t your pictures, they’re the clubs.

‘Yes, I can see that,’ she says dryly, showing you the screen. It’s you and Lil Cal on stage. You shrug. She passes the phone to Kanaya so she can see. ‘Can we come to your show sometime?’

‘Don’t see why not.’

Rose hands you back your phone and goes to get ready for school. Dave starts up Mad Snacks Yo and you play that together for a bit while Kanaya watches. Dave hands her the controller as he goes to get ready too. You’re considering enrolling him in school seeing as he already catches the bus there every day so he can see Karkat, but you don’t know how he’d adjust to all the weird structure stuff after being used to doing his work whenever he wants. And teachers give you the heebies. You should just ask him what he thinks.

Kanaya does not know how to play video games, especially not broken ones. She’ll get used to it. You assume. You guess you wouldn’t force her to play if she really wasn’t interested. But, seriously, you’re talking about eternity here. There is going to be some overlapping in interests.

‘You wanna help me with my robots?’ you say.

‘To be clear, you’re referring to your …’

‘My smuppet interiors, yeah, I had a fucking breakthrough, got some overlapping plate shit working out that’s gonna mean I can isolate the parts real nice, want to make a bunch of prototypes but I got a feeling it’s only gonna work on some sizes, if I get much smaller than what I have … like I done some finicky shit in my time, those fucking knitting needles, but they didn’t need to fucking move .’

‘I admit that my fine motor skills are adequate, but this may be a little beyond my abilities.’

‘Nah, wasn’t gonna start you on shit that took me years to work up to, just thought you might like to learn.’

‘Right ...’

‘Thought I’d give you one of my earlier models to take apart, see if you can put it back together again.’

‘Such structured learning,’ she remarks sarcastically.

‘Discovery is the best way to learn anything,’ you say.

She gives you a skeptical look.

‘Fine,’ she says.

You flashstep to your room and find one of your original smuppets still in the sealed package. She has followed you in, which, yeah, you probably should just use your workbench.

‘Grab another chair, would you?’ you say, and she disappears.

The two of you work side by side for a while in silence, you occasionally offering her a different tool to work with.

Rose comes to kiss her goodbye and you’re impressed and amused when Kanaya visibly resists tearing her eyes away from the smuppet. Rose narrows her eyes at you that you translate into a general warning to behave .

You smirk at her.

You lose time until Rose comes back again. She drags you both out of your room and to the table for another family dinner. This time you and Kanaya both fiddle with smuppets and the discomfort of your kids is hilarious and wonderful.

You lose a lot of time over the next week, working side by side with a snarky vampire friend. Kanaya and you actually have a lot in common and you are getting better at not … trying to fuck her. There’s not a good way to put that. It’s comfortable, and while you sit close together you feel a sense of contentment you didn’t realise that you had been missing for the last 50 years. The bond between a vampire and his thrall. It’s a powerful thing.

‘Bro, do you regret turning me?’ she asks at some point.

‘I wish it hadn’t been necessary. You deserve a normal life and I know this one is a poor substitution. But, no.’

‘You think this is worse than being human?’

You put down the needle you were using to place wires and look at her.

‘Well, yeah. I mean, not for me, my human life was pretty rubbish …’

‘I admit there have been complications I could do without,’ she says. ‘But I rather feel like I suit this life. I feel more comfortable in my skin than I ever did as a human.’

You regard her thoughtfully.

‘Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am glad you didn’t let me die.’

You nod.

‘And I was wondering if you could enrol me in homeschooling like Dave does. Now that I can focus better, I’d like to keep up with my friends.’

‘Of course. Shit, Kan, you’re doing so much better than I did. I was such a clingy brat. Mind you, my master was …’ you still can’t say anything negative about him. ‘He didn’t encourage independence.’

‘Thank you.’

‘You reckon you’ll go to college with them?’

She taps her screwdriver lightly on the bench.

‘I’d like to.’

‘Even if you do it online, there’s nothing wrong with moving physically with friends, getting the college experience.’

‘You want me out of your hair so quickly?’ she says.

‘Kanaya, you always have a place by my side. But those stupid humans are gonna go ahead and age, so you might as well join them for a bit.’

‘You’re not going to know what to do with yourself when all the stupid humans are gone.’

You peer closer at the metal in front of you and don’t reply. Honestly, the idea of Dave not being close freaks you the fuck out.

‘What day is it?’ you ask.

Kanaya pulls out her phone.

‘Sunday.’

You pull out your own phone, lean back in your seat. You check your messages. Still nothing from Ellie. You still haven’t replied to Cal’s message.

NOW. WE ARE EVEN. HA HA. HEE HEE. HOO HOO.

Creepy fucker.

You put your phone down and close your eyes, feel out for Ellie’s presence. It should be easy, you’ve fed from her enough and she’s usually close.

Maybe she’s gone away, like overseas or something, that’s why she’s not answering your messages. You feel harder. When you searched for Roxy, you at least felt a twinge in the right direction. You’d fed on her longer, it took a lot of work and you travelled a lot, trying to make it stronger, but it was there.

You can’t feel her at all.

You open your eyes and Kanaya is gone. You check your phone. It’s ten at night. Not exactly the most polite time to call on someone, but …

You pop your head in Dave’s room.

‘Sup?’ he says.

‘Worried about Ellie. Can’t feel her and she hasn’t been responding to my messages. Gonna go drop in on her housemates, see if they know anything. You okay here for a bit?’

‘Want backup?’

‘Humans get in trouble sometimes, it’s probably nothing.’

‘Yeah, but want backup anyway?’

You’re just really proud of him. And if he can get a hit on you while sparring, he’s good enough for anyone you’re gonna meet. You nod and he types into his computer for a minute before turning the screen off.

‘What sword you got?’ you ask.

He pulls it from his specibus and hands it to you.

Yeah, it’s a piece of shit. You flash to your room and find something that won’t break in half on the first swing, flash back and hand it to him. He looks at it critically before equipping it. He knocks on Rose’s door and waits until Rose says, ‘Come in,’ like a gentleman. You don’t know where he got his manners from, god knows you didn’t teach him.

He opens the door. Rose and Kanaya are sitting primly on Rose’s bed, but there’s a spot of red on Kanaya’s chin.

‘We’re going out, hold down the fort.’

‘Where are you going?’ Rose asks.

‘Out looking for trouble,’ Dave says with a cocky smirk.

You cuff him over the head.

‘Just going to check on Ellie, she’s not answering my messages.’

‘Is there a reason you are taking Dave with you?’ Kanaya asks.

‘Could be trouble. Probably not. If we don’t message you by four am, gimme a call. If we still aren’t back by tomorrow sundown, come look for us.’

Rose sits up a bit straighter.

‘Dude,’ Dave says. ‘It’s nothing, he just says shit like that, he’s forgetting that sounds hells of ominous.’

Rose frowns slightly.

‘No, seriously, he always leaves guidelines on when to be worried when he leaves me home alone.’

‘He’s left us alone …’

‘No, I’ve left you with Dave. I’m taking Dave this time,’ you say. Why are they making a deal out of this? You want to be gone. You walk out and hear Dave say goodbye behind you before he catches up.

‘Ready?’ you ask.

‘You know it.’

Dave can’t quite flashstep as fast as you, but he’s still incredibly fast. You get to Ellie’s apartment in almost no time. You stop and look at him before you take out a little device that should shock the complex’s doors into opening. He looks fine, cool as a cucumber. You buzz yourself in, frown at the smoking lock you leave behind and lead the way up the stairs to Ellie’s door. Quicker than taking the lift for a couple of guys like you. You resist the urge to check in on him again before you knock on the door. You don’t need to baby him.

A woman who is not Ellie answers.

‘Hello?’ she says.

Oh god, you have your shades and hat on like a weirdo. You take them off, quickly, but still human speed.

‘Hi,’ you say. ‘I’m Bro, is Ellie home?’

‘Oh fuck,’ she says. ‘You better come in. I’m Rachel, by the way.’

She sits you both on the couch, takes a seat on the coffee table, grabs your hands. You are a bit put off.

‘There is no nice way to say this,’ she says.

Your brain is stalling. You kind of want to walk away, you don’t want her to say whatever comes next. You go to pull your hands away but she holds tight and you don’t want to hurt her.

‘Ellie passed away.’

She finally lets you escape. You stand up and pace. See, you knew she was going to say something like that, it was written all over her face.

‘He’s just walking at a completely normal human pace,’ you hear Dave say behind you.

You go to glare at him for being a sarcastic shit when you’re dealing with something, but his shades are on his head and he’s staring intensely at Rachel and okay, maybe you weren’t doing human things.

‘What happened?’ you ask. You don’t know why your voice sounds like that, all hoarse like you need a drink of water or something. You haven’t needed water since you were turned, stupid body.

‘Mugging,’ Rachel says. ‘I didn’t know how to get in contact with you, I know … I know she liked you a lot …’

Your throat doesn’t seem to be working right and your fangs are out and you don’t know what to do. You pace some more, just to keep moving.

Dave is talking in a low voice behind you but you don’t care anymore, you’re sick of this conversation, you don’t want to be here anymore, you don’t want to feel this.

Dave’s hand on your elbow makes you stop and snarl at him before you catch yourself. He doesn’t flinch, just pulls you out into the hallway.

‘Bro, what do you want to do?’

You don’t know how to answer that, you don’t know what you want. You clutch at your neck and the prickle of pain under your nails feels distant, it isn’t grounding you like you want. Why are humans always dying ? Why do they always leave ? And it’s never fucking old age. You know they fucking age, you’re not an idiot, you could prepare for that, but no, they get themselves shot, or stabbed, or a fucking book falls on them.

‘Bro ,’ Dave says.

You don’t have to deal with this, you just don’t. You fold yourself up into a bat and start to fly away. Dave catches you. You’re always annoyingly clumsy when you first transform.

‘I’m gonna take you home, okay?’

You can’t fucking answer , you’re a fucking bat .

Dave flashsteps all the way home without stopping and you don’t give a shit, it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, he’s going to die as well, they all fucking die .

The girls are in the room as soon as Dave opens the front door.

‘What happened?’ Rose asks.

‘Ellie’s dead,’ Dave says.

You thrash around and screech in his hands. He drops you when you draw blood. You fly to the window but it’s fucking closed, of course it is, everywhere is closed, you’re fucking trapped. You smash your body against the window anyway and the pain through your wings shocks you into transforming back human.

You fall to the ground.

You don’t bother standing up.

You felt like you had so much angry energy inside you that you could have flown all night, could have defeated a hundred enemies, needed to scream until you didn’t have a voice anymore but now that you’re on the floor, it’s just all gone. You don’t have the energy to deal with any of it.

You’re crying, your tears are running from one eye into the other and that stings a bit, your body is shaking a bit and you can’t stop it, you wish it would just stop. You just want to be still. Nothing fucking dignified about sobbing.

You jolt at a hand on your shoulder and Rose is there, looking at you with sad eyes. You wipe your face with your hands and sit up.

‘’M’okay,’ you say.

‘No, you’re not,’ she says quietly. She sits next to you and puts her arms around your waist, forces you to put your arm around her shoulders to be comfortable.

‘She was twenty fucking two, Rose,’ you say.

‘It’s not fair,’ Rose agrees.

‘Don’t fucking die, alright?’

‘Wouldn’t dream of it,’ she says.

You don’t know how long she holds you for. Your mind just whirs. You can’t focus on anything, you just keep going back to … she’s gone . And you didn’t even realise.

Eventually, Rose stands up and helps you to your feet. She pushes you in the direction of the shower.

You stay in there for a long while before getting out. When you do, you climb into Dave’s bed with him. He pats you on the arm and goes back to sleep.

You know you couldn’t have protected her from everything, but you still feel guilty. And you have this niggling feeling that it actually is your fault, that it’s somehow connected with the message Caliborn sent. You don’t know if you could handle that. You don’t even want to contemplate it.

But you do.

Chapter Text

‘It was my fault,’ you say when Dave wakes up.

‘No, Bro,’ he says.

‘It was Cal, he went after her because of me.’

‘She was mugged, it sucks but it happens …’

‘My fault …’ you insist.

‘I am … not the best dude to comfort you,’ Dave says. ‘It’s like … bluh, what are feelings …’

‘My feelings fucking hurt,’ you say.

Dave sits up and pats you on the knee.

‘I feel like I should be getting you a cup of tea or something and you can’t even drink anything,’ he says. ‘Maybe it’d still be nice to hold a mug of hot water? Yeah, I’m gonna make you tea anyway.’

You look at him incredulously, but he’s sliding his shades on and leaving the room. You decide you might as well freak out in the living room as in his bedroom. He ends up making hot cocoa for both of you. You hold your mug obediently.

‘Better?’ he asks.

‘Jane used to always make me hot cocoa,’ you say.

‘Did she not know?’

‘Well, I told her. And Roxy told her about a million times. And I never aged or ate in front of her or went in the sun. But she was a cynic to a fault … God, I miss her.’

‘Tell me more about her.’

‘Well, when I found you I went straight to her. Uh … I dunno, she told me what human babies needed, so that was … like I really didn’t know what I was doing. And we lived there for two weeks while I got my shit sorted. Kinda robbed a bank for a start-up, but …’

‘You robbed a bank?!’ Dave says.

Rose and Kanaya magically appear in the doorway.

‘Do we need to provide an alibi?’ Rose asks curiously.

‘No, damn it, it was years ago, I didn’t take much! I just … Jane’s son worked at a bank, I hypnotised him into bringing a couple of grand home and then covering it up and then I made him forget about it. I needed to get my own place! Jane kept trying to get me to go along to the park!’

Three very judgemental teenagers look at you.

‘You weren’t there! I lived on the street when Jake died but I couldn’t fucking do that with a kid! I had no money left after I chased Roxy all over the fucking planet and John was smart! He didn’t get caught!’

‘John?’

‘Obviously not the same John, he’d be 40 now!’

‘Calm your tits, Bro, we’re not judging.’

They really aren’t.

‘God, I’m such an asshole. You guys literally would have rolled with it if I said I’d robbed a bank and I straight up do not need money.’

‘It is a curious kind of morality, something like loyalty,’ Kanaya says. ‘But yes, I would absolutely stand by you if you robbed a bank.’

‘And you thought I was too good for Cronus,’ you say to Dave.

Oh shit.

Cronus.

You don’t think, you just go straight to the window, pull back the curtain.

‘What the fuck, Bro?!’ Dave says, flashstepping in front of you and pulling the curtain closed.

You hear Kanaya hissing in the hallway.

‘Cronus,’ you say. ‘He could have gone after Cronus.’

‘So fucking message him, you idiot, you can’t go out in the fucking sun!’

You glare at Dave but pull your phone out.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering casanovaAquarius [CA]

‘God he’s such a douchebag,’ you mutter.

‘Is he okay?’

‘I dunno, I just hate his chum handle so much.’

Dave rolls his eyes.

TT: Hey, Cronus.

TT: Kinda thought I’d be dealing with an influx of messages.

TT: I’m impressed.

TT: Anyway, you want to hang out tonight?

casanovaAquarius [CA] is an idle chum!

‘It’s still early,’ you say.

‘Yeah.’

‘And he would have closed the club last night,’ you say.

‘Yep.’

‘Dave, this is fucking killing me.’

Dave looks behind you awkwardly. You jump a little when Rose hugs you. Oh. Ha, delegating comfort. You turn and hug her properly. You feel a little less freaked out when you concentrate on the feeling of her arms squeezing you. It gives you a reason for your breaths coming in shallow, and it’s such a nice reason.

‘Did you want Rose and me to go and stop by his place?’ Dave says.

‘Are you kidding me? What if I’m right?’

‘We can take care of ourselves,’ Dave mutters.

‘Excuse me, but is this his club?’ Kanaya says.

You turn, spinning Rose along with you. You walk to Kanaya and take the phone from her hand.

Oh fuck.

The club burnt down last night.

And out the front, a spade from a deck of cards continues to burn. Slick. The Midnight Crew.

You thrust the phone back at Kanaya and grip your hair in frustration.

‘Was anyone injured?’ Rose asks, reading over Kanaya’s shoulder.

‘It doesn’t say.’

‘The fucker ,’ you snarl.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering undyingumbrage [UU]

TT: You fucker.

UU: YOu HAVE SEEN THE NEWS.

UU: ISN’T IT GLORIOuS.

UU: THIS IS BY FAR.

UU: MY FAVOuRITE SLICK.

TT: You can’t just kill all my victims.

TT: You were supposed to leave everyone else out of it.

UU: I GOT BORED.

UU: YOu WEREN’T ANSWERING ME.

UU: I ONLY HAVE SO MuCH PATIENCE.

TT: You better be ready for me the second the sun goes down.

UU: DIRK STRIDER.

UU: ARE YOU ASKING ME.

UU: ON A DATE?

TT: I’m telling you that I am going to fuck you until you beg me to kill you.

UU: EXCELLENT.

TT: I fucking hate you.

UU: GET ALL YOuR CRYING DONE NOW.

UU: DIRK STRIDER.

UU: BECAuSE I WILL BE MOST DISGuSTED IF YOu CRY.

UU: WHILE WE FuCK.

UU: BuT IT WON’T STOP ME.

timaeusTestified [TT] blocked undyingumbrage [UU]

‘I’m going to fucking kill him,’ you mutter, stomping from the room.

You’re vaguely aware of Dave following you as you rifle through your room, finding stashed blades and guns and cash. Passport, fuck, it’ll say you’re 35, you probably can’t pass for that. And they expire after 10 years. Fuck. Whatever, you’ll just drive somewhere.

Do you have a car? You can’t even remember, you feel like you bought something stupid once and never drove it. Fuck if you know where the keys are. Fuck if you know where the car is. Maybe you sold it.

‘ Bro ,’ Dave says.

You grunt in acknowledgement.

‘I’ve been saying your name for the past ten minutes.’

You ignore him.

‘You said you couldn’t kill him.’

‘Said it wasn’t worth the risk.’

‘Yeah, seems like things have gotten more risky, not less,’ Dave says.

‘Suddenly I don’t trust him not to take his shit out on you lot.’

You find the prototype taser needles you were making for Rose, turn and throw them to her before going back to sorting your robotics into “need” and “can replace”.

‘Bro, how much should I be freaking out?’

You slam down your screwdriver and turn to face the three kids.

‘I don’t know. I’m going to him tonight and I might kill him or I might not. I might kill his men or I might not. I might burn the whole place to the fucking ground. Pack.’

Dave nods seriously and leaves the room. Rose and Kanaya hesitate before following him. You hear the quiet murmur of Rose asking Dave what you’re talking about and tune it out. You finish with your room and head to Dave’s. You look through his bag and nod your approval. You go to Rose and help her pack.

‘You and Kanaya should go to your mom’s. She still have her guns?’

‘Mom has guns?’ Rose says.

You hand over two pistols and some ammo.

‘You do not put the ammo in. Without it, these are harmless. You give them both to your mom. You do not sneak them for yourself. You have your needles to defend yourself.’

Rose nods the vague nod of a hypnotised human. You run over all your words in your head again, remembering all the times Roxy found loopholes in your commands.

‘You give them to Roxy as soon as it is safe to do so, in private,’ you add. ‘Does Kanaya have a strife specibus?’

‘Chainsaw,’ Rose says.

You raise your eyebrows.

‘She used them on her hedges. Thought it was badass.’ Her voice is barely more than a whisper.

‘It is,’ you agree.

‘Are you going to make her a self-destructing chainsaw?’

‘Probably. God, can you imagine if I made a chainsaw sword?’

Rose finally smiles and you feel your fangs retract for the first time this morning.  

‘I imagine it would be rather distracting trying to use a weapon while …’ she trails off.

‘You were going to imply I would have a boner, weren’t you?’

She smirks smugly.

‘Yeah, well, you’re not wrong.’

You pat her on the head and go to check on Kanaya. She’s going through her chest of drawers that she keeps in the lounge.

‘You good?’ you say.

‘Most of my things are in my sylladex, anyway,’ she says.

You nod.

You go back to your room and spend the hours until sunset scribbling raps in preparation for tonight, so you can access your sylladex when you need it. You’ll have to freestyle to some extent, but coming up with rhymes in advance is incredibly useful. Of course there are other data structures that are more user friendly, but fuck user friendly, you’re going down rapping if you’re ever going down.

At half an hour to sunset, you assemble the kids in the lounge. You flick your shades into your sylladex and address Dave.

‘You got the passwords.’

‘Yep.’

‘You know where the important shit is.’

‘Yep.’

‘Tell me.’

‘Deed, birth certificates, that shit and cash in safe, swords and camping shit in crawl space, our bags are packed and my sylladex is weaponised.’

‘You don’t avenge me.’

‘Wow, that’s rich,’ he says.

‘Dave, if they get me, they can get you. You don’t avenge me.’

‘Fine.’

‘Say it.’

‘I won’t avenge you.’

‘You protect your sisters.’

‘Of course.’

‘Right. I love you.’

He grimaces. This is the part he hates. Stupid teenager.

‘I love you, too,’ he says, reluctantly.

You nod at him. And turn to Rose.

‘You listen to your brother, okay, he knows his shit.’

She nods.

‘I’ll probably be fine.’

She giggles nervously, incredulously.

‘Dave, how many times have I prepared you for this shit?’

‘Too many,’ he says, grimly. He doesn’t make it a joke.

‘Right, and I always come back. But I don’t leave your survival up to my skills.’

Rose nods. Her eyes are worried and watery but her posture is strong.

‘I want you to know that I’m really proud of you and I love you.’

She throws herself around your neck. You hug her tight. You don’t want to let her go, but you don’t have a lot of time. You pull her arms away and squeeze her hands before turning to Kanaya.

‘Don’t hypnotise people when you can avoid it. God, talk to Roxy, she knows how to be a vampire better than me. Get Dave to show you how to find someone to make you a fake ID. Dave has my contacts, he’ll set you up with my banker, they have after hours. Pretending you’re too rich and busy to go places during the day is an excellent cover, but you have to dress to the time, fashion changes a lot in 20 years and rich people don’t wear shit that’s out of date. Don’t turn anyone unless you have to. Protect my kids with your life.’

You stand up and pull Kanaya into a hug. You count out precisely three seconds and let her go. You stare deep into her eyes.

‘Do not avenge me.’

She frowns, but nods.

You hug Rose again. She clings to you like she’s not going to let go, like you’ll just have to take her into battle with you like a backwards backpack. And then she lets you go and holds Kanaya’s hand while you hug Dave. He’s not as awkward as he was last time you hugged him, he doesn’t bother with the manly back pats and doesn’t squirm away after a second and a half. You let him go.

‘Stay sharp, Striders,’ you say, looking at each of them.

You walk to the window and throw open the curtains. This time, it’s night, you don’t get burnt. You slide open the window and look back at your kids one last time, give them an ironic salute, and transform into a bat. It takes you minutes to fly to the building Cal took you to last time.

Slick is guarding the door again. You transform right in front of him. He doesn’t even flinch, what a pro.

‘Hey, Slick,’ you say.

‘Bro,’ he nods.

‘What’s your story, Slick? You gay?’

‘No.’

‘Caliborn never takes a taste of you when he’s snacking on you?’

‘No.’

‘Well, I guess I didn’t want you to enjoy this anyway,’ you growl.

His reflexes are fast, for a human, but you’re a vampire and you’re feeling free and wrathful and you step backwards as he aims a knife for your gut, flash to the side, and reach to his ankle, grab it and pull it up so fast you hear something snap and he cries out even before you slam him to the ground. His breath huffs out and he gasps desperately.

‘Jack?’ someone calls from inside. You jump up and land, hard, on his thighs with your knees. You force his neck back.

He tries to stab you again and you break his wrist. He screams.

A sharply dressed man appears at the doorway. You meet his eyes and pull Slick’s broken wrist to your mouth, and bite down harshly, tearing through his skin and muscles. Blood spurts out and you don’t care that you’re making a mess, you drink some and let the rest spill onto the ground.

Slick kicks his feet and moans beneath you. The venom from your fangs isn’t enough to counteract the pain. Good.

‘Uh …’ the man says. You meet his eyes and lick the blood from your lips. He turns and runs inside.

You turn your attention to the man beneath you. You slam the heel of your hand into his lowest rib. He screams again. He grasps at the knife, waves it towards you weakly. Even if you were normal you’d be able to bat his hand away. You don’t, you let him stab you, as a courtesy.

‘Fuck, yes,’ you growl in his ear. ‘Stick it in me, Slick,’ you laugh halfway through, ruining the cheesy porno line. ‘Sorry,’ you say. ‘I just said the exact same thing to someone wearing your name 20 years ago.’ You laugh again, enjoying the sharp waves of pain that shoot from your belly all through you. He pulls the knife out viciously.

You kiss him, ignoring how he squirms away. You don’t need his permission. You’re going to torture him and you’re going to enjoy it and he’s going to regret killing your friends.

‘Dirk Strider.’

You bite down on Slick’s bottom lip and draw blood before looking up at Caliborn. You wouldn’t want him to miss out on this show.

‘Come inside, leave Slick alone.’

‘Sorry babe,’ you say to Slick. ‘I’m gonna use your blood as lube when I fuck your boss,’ you whisper in his ear. His eyes widen in horror and you tear his throat out with your teeth. Yeah, you think that is a perfect last mental image for the guy who stalked and killed your lovers.

Cal grabs you by the scruff of the neck and pulls you away and you spit blood and flesh and muscle into his face.

He backhands you, too quick for you to dodge or block and you bite your cheek, more blood to spit out. You grin at him and you can feel your face, you know you look insane, you hope it unnerves him.

He’s holding you by your throat and you still feel in control. You find your feet, kick off from the ground as hard as you can and wrap your legs around his hips. He staggers back with your weight and you grin at him before headbutting him. He collapses and his grip around your neck loosens.

You rise to your feet and make eye contact with the guy. You decide to make a stab in the dark as to his codename. You got a one in three chance of guessing right and you bet Cal goes for guys that look similar so he doesn’t get confused.

‘Yo, Droog,’ you say.

He jumps and equips a cuestick of all things, holds it like a baseball bat. You flash into the building, away from Cal and equip your katana. You hold it in your right hand and point towards Droog with your left. You hold for a moment, then give him a thumbs down. You’re basically hot shit.

He snarls and swings the cue at you. You let it break across your neck and then chop him neatly in half with your katana. It slices easily through him. You rest your katana against your neck and turn to Cal again, like you’re an anime hero. You basically are. You show him your throat, cockily.

He’s sitting up, watching you.

‘Are we even, then?’ he says.

‘Not quite,’ you say.

He stares at you for a moment.

‘Bedroom’s this way,’ he says.

You let him lead the way.

Chapter Text

Caliborn doesn’t look contrite or anything, he isn’t sorry , but he isn’t mad, either. You don’t know if his face is even capable of looking meek, but this is pretty close. You just killed two of his best guys in front of him and he's leading you to his bed. You're covered in blood and, worse, other bits of human, but he’s looking at you like you’re sex on legs and you are so ready to fuck him.

‘Dirk,’ he says. ‘Are you going to kill me?’

You’re honestly not sure.

‘At the moment my horniness is outweighing my bloodlust,’ you tell him.

He grabs at the collar of his t-shirt and pulls, shredding it. God, you want to lick his chest. And, actually, you’re not in the business of denying yourself tonight.

‘Lie on the bed,’ you growl.

He obeys, immediately. You dig your nails into his jeans and drag them down. The denim rips under your fingers. You push it aside. You dig your nails into his legs and repeat the motion. He flinches away from you, from the scratches you leave behind, from your measured, unrelenting nails. You pull his underwear off and throw that away, too.

He’s just looking at you, spread on his back, completely naked.

You feel drunk on power, like someone playing at being a dom for the first time. You climb onto the bed, straddle his hips and bend down to lick a long stripe up his chest. He tastes good, like salt and skin, and you want all of him. But you’re in control. You can reign in your own impulses to keep the power on your side. Sometimes dominating means denying both of you.

You shove your legs on either side of his arms, pinning them to his chest. You unbutton and unzip your pants, pull your dick out and stroke it.

He licks his lips, like he’s read your mind. You suppose you aren’t being subtle.

‘You gonna take this nicely?’ you say.

‘Yes,’ he breathes.

‘Be a good boy, Caliborn,’ you warn.

‘I will.’

You ease the tip of your cock in his open lips. He licks at it sloppily before sucking. You close your eyes and give him another inch. He doesn’t let up on the suction as he takes it in, it feels delicious. You push in a bit more and he stops sucking, arranges his tongue in his mouth.

You don’t know if he can deep throat, but you don’t really care at this point, you’ll give him a crash course.

His tongue spasms against your dick and you’re not quite sure if that’s intentional or not. You pull back and push in again, not willing to show any mercy but not wanting to start this off with him throwing up on you. Bad enough when a human does it. Horror movie awful when a vampire throws up. He gags a little and you hold your position until he looks up at you with pleading, watery eyes and you back off. You let him catch his breath and then push back in violently, deeper than before. You only stay for a second before you withdraw, not wanting to get bit if he freaks out. He doesn’t.

You rock back and forth on your hips and he takes you beautifully, suddenly warmed up, suddenly able to take you almost to the root before you feel his throat protest around you. You thrust in quicker, fuck his mouth properly and he lets you, occasionally flicking his eyes up to meet yours but mostly glaring at your dick.

You pull out completely and his lips chase you and you nearly fucking come just from that sight, but then you remember yourself, squeeze the base of your dick and ignore the way it twitches when he licks his lips.

You slide back off of him, stand next to the bed and take him in. He’s being good for you, not even wiping his face of tears and saliva, just keeping still. He’s gonna let you take out your anger on his body and then he’ll call it quits, you'll be even in his eyes. And he’s turned on, hard as fuck from you taking control.

Well, if anyone in the world is suited to be a dom for a vampire with a pain kink and a fear of intimacy that is fetishistic to the extreme, it’s you.

You glare at him, letting all your hatred for him show on your face, there’s a reason you didn’t wear your shades. You are not hiding yourself today, fuck other people’s protection, fuck the risk of hypnosis, you are a predator today and you are owning it. He meets your gaze and you hold it for a moment before slowly looking over his body again.

You like that he’s so unapologetically huge, like that his muscles aren’t showy or defined like yours are, but made for lifting, for using, like a badass lumberjack or sumo wrestler. You like that he has done nothing to tame his coarse pubes, that he isn’t getting any less hard as he watches you, watching him.

You trace the drying blood that you’ve dripped onto him, blood from the men you killed without a second thought, that he just left out there so you could fuck him. Your clothes are ruined, your skin is prickling on your neck where most of the blood has dried. You don’t give a shit.

You push his legs apart and expose his asshole. You look him in the eye as you shove your finger in, dry. Or it would be, if the fucker hadn’t obviously prepped himself beforehand.

‘You slut,’ you tell him, almost admiringly. ‘You knew I wasn’t going to be gentle.’

‘Hoped,’ he says. His voice is tight, you’re not sure if it’s with pain or pleasure.

You slide your finger out, rub it against your middle finger and push them both in. You blame your vampireness for the way the blood on your fingers making the lube pinkish is turning you on.

‘That why you didn’t come to the door right away? Too busy fucking yourself on your fingers?’

‘ Dirk ,’ he groans.

‘I asked you a question.’ You twist your fingers savagely.

‘ Ah! Yes!’

‘Yes that feels good or yes you were fucking yourself?’

‘Both!’

You pull your fingers out. He whines. God, it’s hard to keep hating him when he’s like this, it’s just too intoxicating, being the guy who gets him on his back. You’ll manage, somehow.

For now, you hold your hand to his face.

‘Spit,’ you command.

He hesitates before obeying. You rub the spit onto your dick and push into him, only slowing when his tightness is more painful than hot. You watch impartially as his eyes water. You see on his face when he gets control of himself, when he tells himself to relax.

‘Relax,’ you say. So much of dominating is only asking your partner to give what they can give. No point setting yourself up for disappointment.

He does, and you push in the rest of the way.

‘I’m giving you a moment,’ you tell him.

‘Thank you,’ he breathes.

God, you had no idea he’d actually be a good sub. You’re so far from finished with him.

You stroke down his chest slowly, possessively. It’s not for his pleasure or comfort, it’s for your enjoyment. You think he understands.

You hold your position for several minutes, a long time in sex, where each second feels vital. He’s had plenty of time to adjust. He’s had time to wonder if he’s supposed to be keeping quiet or if he’s supposed to be prompting you. He’s had long enough to rock his hips experimentally and still again.

‘Dirk,’ he says quietly.

‘Yes, Caliborn?’

‘You can … please move.’

You meet his eyes, keeping your expression cold and deadpan. You pull out almost completely and slam back in. His legs wrap around your hips. You decide to allow it. You fuck him thoroughly, harshly, until you feel the head of his cock pushing wetly into your belly. You slow down, press yourself closer, wrap your fingers of your left hand in his and your right around the back of his neck. You kiss him without breaking the slow rhythm you’ve relaxed into and he kisses back desperately.

His grip on your fingers is bruising and he’s meeting your thrusts with his hips every time, now. It’s only by focussing so intently on him that you’ve been able to keep from coming immediately. You drag your hand from the back of his neck down his chest, to his hip. He grabs at your shoulder, digging in his nails when you slowly edge your hand to his cock. You think he’ll go off the second you touch him.

‘I’m giving you permission to come,’ you growl as you wrap your hand around his cock.

His legs tighten around your hips and you move your hand in the same easy rhythm as your hips. You close your eyes and lean into his shoulder, bite down and let yourself feel, really feel the warm pressure, his body slick with sweat against yours. You thrust through your orgasm, groan against his body. Cal’s hand is slack in yours, but he hasn’t pulled away. You weren’t sure if he was going to continue to defer to you once you finished.

You pull out and pull up your pants before pushing him over so you can spoon him. You watch your fingers trace patterns on his side.

‘Did you think that I would kill you?’ you ask.

‘Either you would or you wouldn’t,’ he says.

‘Would you have let me?’

‘No. I’m not that sorry.’

‘Can I trust you not to kill my victims?’

He grabs your hand and pulls it to his chest so you’re hugging him.

‘Can I trust you? Not to leave me?’

‘Not if you’re gonna be the kind of dick who holds my friends and family’s lives hostage to keep me in a relationship.’

He rolls back towards you and you back away to let him. He holds his arms open and you lie between them, head resting on his shoulder.

‘I’ve never had a relationship,’ he says, his voice a low growl of a whisper.

‘How old are you?’

‘Old enough.’

You poke his side.

‘My sister said we turned 327 on our last birthday, but I don’t know. She says we were thirty when we were turned.’

‘How are you such a childish dickbag if you’re over 300?’

He shrugs.

‘Can I meet your sister?’

‘Will you kill her?’

‘What? No!’

‘Damn. Yeah, fine.’

Cal keeps rubbing your arm every now and then and it’s nice to just lie with someone who isn’t going to fall asleep on you.

‘Cronus was a real douchebag, but he didn’t deserve to die,’ you say.

‘I never met him.’

‘And Ellie was a sweet girl.’

Cal doesn’t reply.

‘I can’t believe I’m just gonna stay with you.’

He shrugs.

‘I’m going to blow you. Then you will feel better.’

‘That’s not a solution,’ you say.

‘Why are you still wearing those clothes?’

You shrug but don’t resist as he undresses you.

You raise your eyebrows at him as he opens the door and throws both your clothes outside.

‘You are covered in blood. I will blow you in the bath.’

He pulls you to your feet and drags you to an adjoining bathroom.

‘That was a very good Slick. That you just murdered. The last one was just, no good at all. Now I will have to get Maroon Hat to hire me a new one.’

He turns on the bath and the shower and pulls you into the shower with him, washes the blood from your body. There’s a lot. It soaked through your clothes.

‘It’s in your hair,’ he says with a frown.

‘So wash it out,’ you say, crossing your arms. It’s hard to look defensive and aloof when you’re having a shower with someone.

He glares at the bottles in the shower caddy. You guess seeing as he doesn’t have much hair he probably doesn’t need to wash it. It’s shorter than your arm hair. You pull the shampoo out for him and hand it to him. He squirts out way too much. You roll your eyes and take a more appropriate amount from his hands and work it into your hair. No point making him do shit for you if he’s going to do a bad job.

‘This is pretty basic shit, Cal,’ you say.

‘Fuck you, we used soap when I had hair.’

‘Okay, well I use shampoo. See how it expands as I rub it in? I only get a small squirt, this big,’ you say, drawing a circle on your palm to demonstrate. You tip your head back under the spray and close your eyes, work your hair with your fingers to help it rinse.

‘Now conditioner,’ you say, holding your hand out.

‘Two things?’

‘Shampoo to remove the dirt, and I guess blood and shit, too, and conditioner to replace the natural oils and shit that the shampoo took with all the rest of it.’

He steps out of the shower to turn the bath tap off before squirting a much more reasonable amount of conditioner onto his palm. Yeah, okay, you’ll let him do it. It’s not like he can fuck it up too bad.

‘Okay, this one you don’t rub in so much as you comb it through with your fingers.’

He puts his massive hands on your head and does as you say. You let your eyes close again as he massages your scalp. Okay, you haven’t gotten a decent head massage in years, you’re keeping him.

‘How long for?’ he says.

‘Until all my hair feels slimy and I’ve had enough of the massage.’

He snorts but keeps going.

‘Have you really never washed anyone’s hair?’

‘I bite them and fuck them and then they leave. Or they die. They’re so fragile.’

‘You never thought of turning anyone?’

‘I had to kill our master. I … did not like it.’

You can’t even imagine. The bond you felt with Luke … the one you have with Kanaya. You would die or kill for them in a heartbeat, the idea of hurting them even a little bit repulses you to your core. You think it’s the only reason you’ve managed to keep your distance from Kanaya; you know how much it would hurt her if you treated her the way your bond wants you to.

‘I do not want to have to do that again.’

‘What happened?’

He shakes his head. You’re tempted to push him, to tell him he owes you, but that sounds all kinds of messed up, even in your head.

You step back under the water and let him rinse your hair, instead.

He turns off the water and guides you to the bath instead. You don’t object, you like a good soak and you haven’t had a bath in years. And he did promise a blow job.

Chapter Text

You check over everyone’s shit even though you know Bro already did that. You make sure Rose and Kanaya have keys to the place, show them the safe and make sure they know the code by heart.

Then you sit on the couch and play video games for, like, five hours.

This is always the worst part. Bro does shit sometimes, shit that’s dangerous, shit that means he might not be coming home. You always prepared like he told you, and it always freaked you the fuck out, but you never really believed that anyone could get the drop on him. If it was him versus a meteor the size of Texas, you would still be betting on Bro.

You guess it’s part of growing up, realising that your practically invincible vampire Bro is actually kind of vincible. It’s worse this time than it was the other times because you’ve seen proof that Caliborn can hurt him. But you also trust him to do his best and you still can’t bet against him.

Rose and Kanaya are not coping well. Kanaya can’t retract her fangs and neither of them will sit still for longer than a match on Super Smash Bros . You’ve played cool with them, you’ve shown that you’re not freaking out, you’ve tried talking about their feelings, but you guess they just got to deal with it in their own ways.

You remember the first time Bro made you pack a panic bag, just in case, how you stayed up all night ‘til he got home at four am covered in blood and you messaged your friends all night. Karkat was the only one that stayed up with you, though Rose at least made it ‘til one. You just told them you were pulling an all-nighter because it was cool. Because you were hyped up. Probably spouted off some nonsense about irony.

If you have to run away and leave Karkat behind you will be so pissed.

At midnight you message Mom. Roxy. Whatever. The important thing is that she says you can go to her place.

‘Right, so we’re going to Mom’s,’ you say.

‘We are what now?’ Rose asks.

‘Yeah, sleepover style, it’ll be fun.’

‘It’s not my night with her.’

You stop yourself from frowning and then wonder why you’re schooling your expressions when it’s just Rose and Kan. They both know how much Rose hates her mom not taking her back full time, probably better than you.

‘Yeah, I just messaged her, it’s all good.’

Kanaya is moving too fast for a taxi so you hypnotise her into chilling out. It feels weird to use the powers that you’ve been told to keep hidden your whole life. You’re tempted to use them on Rose, too, but you have a feeling she would murder you when they wore off.

You spend the taxi ride in silence, nothing you have to say is anything that would sound reasonable in front of the driver.

When you get to the Lalonde mansion, Mom (Roxy, fuck ) is waiting for you. She insists on paying for the cab and then doesn’t let you sneak off. You all stay up watching movies together as she tries to get more information from you about the Cal stuff. You don’t know any more than she does. You can tell she’s pissed off at Bro for not keeping her in the loop. She’s kinda scary, pissed off. You can see why Bro thought Rose was her at first. You remind yourself for the billionth time to stay on Rose’s good side.

At two am you force yourself to sleep. You know how to steal sleep when it’s available. Your internal clock wakes you up almost right at six am.

You find the girls still in front of the TV when you leave the guest bedroom. You wake Mom up without hesitation.

‘Right, so, I’m gonna go check on Bro,’ you say.

‘Take me with you,’ Rose says.

‘You are not , mister,’ Roxy says.

‘What.’ Kanaya says.

You cross your arms and stand up as straight as you can, try to think Bro thoughts. God, he’d laugh at you trying to be him.

‘See, it’s sun-up, so Caliborn’s not a risk, I’m just gonna pop by, make sure he’s not dead, see if we have to flee the country or not, and I’ll be right back.’

‘Have you forgotten the part where he owns two human gangs for whom the sun is not a problem?’ Mom says icily.

‘Right, well, I’m faster than any human. So, next objection?’

‘Take me with you,’ Rose repeats.

‘Man, wish I could, but see again, faster than any human. You can’t keep up, sis, and besides, someone has to stay with Kan.’

Kanaya hisses.

‘Nah, Kan, see, it’s sun-up. So, check-mate.’

‘I’ll go with you,’ Roxy says.

‘Jesus fuck, what is it with you Lalonde broads,’ you say. ‘You’re not fast enough, I can’t be watching your back as well as mine.’

Mom’s face goes hard. You insta-regret standing up to her. You keep your face Bro-level chill and wait it out.

‘Davey, we’re gonna have a quick race. I’mma show you what your Bro left me.’

‘Rose and Kanaya ...’ you say.

‘Can look after themselves,’ Mom says sternly.

‘Fine.’

You sit on the floor where you were standing and close your eyes. You feel out with your mind like Bro taught you until you sense where he is. You open your eyes and glare at Mom.

‘You coming or what?’ you say.

She nods.

You flashstep out of the house and hear her on your heels. You push yourself as hard as you’ve ever gone, but she keeps pace, just slightly behind you. Even with your unnatural speed, it still takes ten minutes to get to the building you know Bro’s in.

You stop around the corner and Roxy stops, too.

‘What’s your strife specibus?’ you ask.

She equips a rifle, holds it cockily against her hip.

‘Damn,’ you say. ‘Okay, put that away for now.’

‘You bladekind?’

‘Damn straight,’ you say.

You make eye contact with her, make a silent agreement that you have each other’s backs, and then you stroll casually towards the building.

There’s a short, stout guy in a three piece suit, scrubbing at the pavement.

‘’Sup?’ you ask him.

‘Keep walking,’ he says.

‘Nah,’ you say. ‘Looking for Bro Strider, you know him?’

The guy jumps to his feet, a club suddenly in his hand.

‘Chill, little guy,’ you say. You equip your sword slowly. It’s almost identical to Bro’s katana, minus the insane durability. ‘Just want to check my bro’s alright.’

‘He’s fine,’ the guy says, grumpily. ‘Left a hell of a mess, though.’

‘That’s Bro,’ you say calmly. ‘How about you let me see him?’

‘You want to interrupt them?’ he says. ‘Go right ahead!’

He opens the door and you almost retch at the smell of blood and gore. And the sight. God damn , Bro.

‘Jesus, how many did he kill?’ you say.

‘Two,’ the guy says sullenly.

That looks like way too much blood for two guys, especially when their killer literally drinks the blood of his victims.

‘Okay, Davey, your bro’s fine, hows abouts we get out of here,’ Mom says.

You look at her. She seems remarkably calm. Mind you, you didn’t take her for the kind of gal that fainted at the sight of blood. So much blood.

‘Hey, dude,’ you say to the guy.

He looks at you. You slip your shades on your head and shove your sword back in your specibus.

‘Is Bro Strider really alive and well inside?’

‘Yes,’ he says.

‘How do you know?’

‘Heard him,’ he says.

‘Okay, good enough.’

You look at Mom, grimace. She grins at you.

‘You want me to check for you, Davey? Nothin’ I ain’t seen before.’

You glare at her and pull your shades back into position.

‘Lalonde?’

You both turn to the new voice.

‘That is you, Roxy Lalonde, it’s been a while.’

Mom smiles and walks towards a guy in a green suit and kisses him on both cheeks.

‘Crowbar,’ she says.

‘Just the dame to run into, you wouldn’t happen to have a light, would you?’

She pulls a cigarette and a lighter from her sylladex, holds her hand out to Crowbar. He hands her another cigarette. She puts both in her mouth and lights them, hands Crowbar’s back and keeps hers for herself. Crowbar doesn’t seem remotely put off by the pink lipstick on the filter, and breathes in deeply.

‘What a mess, Lalonde, what a mess.’ He looks at you and you force yourself to keep chill, to resist the urge to stand up straighter or posture about like a dickhead. You don’t want him thinking you have any reason not to be confident.

‘You and Strider made a handsome kid,’ he says.

Mom smiles and walks back over to you, puts her arm around you. You pretend that’s normal, like you get Mom hugs all the time. She smokes like she’s in a movie, delicately turning away from you to exhale so she doesn’t breathe smoke all over you.

‘Honey, do you know what’s going on?’ she says, delicately standing on the cigarette when it’s still half full. Holy shit, she’s wearing heels, she flash stepped like that in heels.

Crowbar shrugs.

‘I don’t know what we expect when two gods start playing games with each other,’ he says. ‘Always gonna be some mortal casualties. Now I have to find a new Slick and Droog. Still, could be worse. That idiot is harder to replace.’ He stabs his cigarette a the short guy, still trying to get the blood out of the pavement. You guess they start with the visible stuff. ‘We all have to look the same for the boss. Pain in the ass.’

‘You’ve lasted,’ Mom says.

‘Yeah, well, I stayed out of this as much as I could. Crew’s eager to prove themselves anyway. Say, Lalonde, we still have poker nights down at the pool house. I could always use you on my side.’

‘Aw, sugar, those days are gone. I’m an ancient woman now, got me some grown up kids.’

‘Lalonde, the day you look ancient is the day I drop dead in the streets in shock.’

‘Marry me,’ she says, her voice light and teasing.

She flashes over to him and you take your sword out reflexly.

‘Crowbar, my darling Crowbar, you see my son there with the bigass sword?’ She didn’t even look back at you, are you that predictable? Are you that much like Bro? ‘Yeah, he’s my kid and I don’t care what you got goin’ on there with the big boss, you don’t hurt him. You don’t hurt my daughter, or any of their little kiddie friends. You know why? Because I don’t want them to have to know what it’s like to kill someone and you better believe he could chop you in half just as well as my lover in there could.’

Crowbar smiles and tucks a strand of Mom’s hair behind her ear.

‘Lalonde, I would never be that stupid. No, I think they’ve sorted it out. The old lady came by and gave the boss a hard word.’

‘Who?’

‘Oh, something Lalonde doesn’t know?’ He smirks and drops his cigarette to the ground. ‘Well I ain’t gonna be the one to tell you.’

Mom looks back at you, then snatches the hat from the guys head  and flicks it your way, lightning fast. You slice it into a dozen pieces easily and happily (maroon hat with a green suit? Yeah, that deserves to be mutilated) before flash stepping exactly where you were before. You don’t have Bro’s speed, but hopefully your imperfect image just makes it more obvious that it was you that did that.

Crowbar coughs into his hand.

‘Way I hear it, she’s pretty set on meeting Strider, so I’m sure you’ll be able to work your way in there somehow.’

‘I’m sure I will,’ Mom says. ‘You got anything else for me before I go?’

‘Just a kiss, if you’ll take it.’

For a moment, you’re horrified, thinking she will. But she just tips her head back and laughs, touching his shoulder.

‘You message me if you think there’s trouble brewing, okay, honey?’ She slips a card into his breast pocket, pats it as if to make sure it’s not going anywhere.

He smirks at her and opens the door.

‘Holy hell, you call this cleaning, Deuce?’

Mom motions with her head slightly before flash-stepping away. You follow her, leaving the gangsters to their problems. She only goes a couple of blocks before stopping at a taxi rank.

‘You’re faster than I expected, I am pooped , Davey. You cool with driving back?’

You nod and get in the taxi. She joins you in the back seat.

‘Well! Eventful morning! I’m so glad my friend still works there, that makes things a lot simpler.’

‘How long has it even been since you saw him, though,’ you say.

‘Oh, I made contact when Rosie and I came back state-side. So … She was five, that makes it 11 years ago. No, sorry, that’s not right, I had a little matter about four years ago that he helped me with.’

‘What—?’

‘No, Davey, you don’t get to know all the stories. Besides, more importantly, that was quite a sight back there. Are you doing okay?’

You give her a frustrated look. You don’t exactly want to get into it in front of a taxi driver. Or Rose and Kanaya, for that matter.

‘I’ve seen … well maybe not worse, but just as bad,’ you say.

‘Being the better parent does not suit me,’ Mom says. ‘Honey, you gotta tell me if you’re gonna go into shock or somethin’.’

‘I’m not gonna go into shock,’ you say, rolling your eyes.

‘Okay, well,’ she leans in closer so the driver won’t hear, ‘how you doin’ dealin’ with the fact your dad’s a killer?’

‘I know he’s killed before. And they were mobsters, right, the ones that killed Ellie. I dunno, I don’t like it, but it is what it is, liking it or not isn’t gonna change anything.’

‘Okay, tell me this. If Dirk had been dead, would you have sliced up my friend like you did his hat?’

‘Couldn’t have. Bro told me not to avenge him. Would have just taken you all and ran.’

‘Smart boy. But if he hadn’t done his voodoo thing, how do you feel about killing.’

You’re whispering, but you’re really not comfortable having this conversation in what is basically a public place. Still, she’s not gonna drop it.

‘I don’t ever want to do it. It’d have to be defense. Even then, I … I don’t think there’s any shame in running.’

Mom leans back and looks at you, like she’s thinking. You keep your face normal. Should you be shocked? Or messed up? Probably, but you don’t want to talk yourself into having a mental breakdown. What a waste of thinking that would be.

‘Okay, honey, what do you want for breakfast? Pancakes? I used to make Dirk make me pancakes, it was the only thing he was any good at because he had to watch it the whole time. God, if I asked him to make dinner he’d let it sit and go do something else, forget to set a timer and just about burn the stove as well as the food and the pan.’

‘Yeah, pancakes are good,’ you say.

Chapter Text

You've known for a while that you think primarily with your dick. You're really not sure if you were so ruled by your base impulses when you were human as well, or if it's a vampire thing, or if your development was just halted by the vampire thing before you grew up (because 24 apparently didn’t count as grown up to you), but whatever the reason, that's the way you are.

You were basically fine with continuing to see Caliborn after your revenge, but after 30 plus hours of almost continuous sex, you're actually invested in him. Which, like, you shouldn't be, right? He's still an asshole mobster and … Whatever, it might have been easier for you to live with yourself when you could pretending he was coercing you into this, but you've never been one to agonise about shit once you've made a decision. Much. If you learned nothing else from Jake it was that there are more important things you could be doing with your time.

'Are you staying again, today?’ Cal asks, shaking you from your thoughts.

'Sick of me?’

'No. But I need to give orders. To my men. If I'm going to take another day.’

'Yeah, shit, I got work too. And should check on my kids.’

Cal rolls so he's halfway on top of you, as if he's stopping you from leaving. As if you were gonna leave right that second. Clingy bastard. You kiss his head approvingly.

'I’ll come back,’ you say.

'Yes.’

'Don’t think so hard, you're shit at it.’

'I think … I want you to meet my sister.’

'Gay,’ you tell him.

He ignores you. Maybe he's smarter than you thought. You should basically be ignored 85% of the time.

He rolls over and grabs his phone from the nightstand. Oh god, he's so bad at texting, that's adorable. He's holding the phone with one hand and stabbing the touch screen with far too much force with the other. You wonder why he bothers with the stupid 'u’ thing when he looks like he's struggling this much.

His scowl becomes more pronounced as he types and reads.

‘Why is she like this?’ he says.

‘Why is she like what?’ you ask.

He doesn’t reply. He doesn’t seem to hear you. Oh, god, he’s not one of those phone users, is he? You sigh and pluck the phone from his hands. If nothing else you can type faster than him.

You scroll through the conversation.

undyingumbrage [uu] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU] at 04:23

uu: I WON THE GAME.

UU: no! caliborn, tell me yoU didn’t kill him!

uu: WHAT.

uu: NO.

uu: THAT GAME IS OVER.

uu: I WON STRIDER. THAT WAS THE NEW GAME.

UU: i wish yoU woUldn’t phrase it qUite like that!

UU: people aren’t possessions.

uu: HE IS MINE.

UU: caliborn if yoU don’t drop that, i will block yoU.

uu: DON’T BE SuCH A DRAMA QuEEN.

uu: ALSO.

uu: COME MEET HIM.

UU: no!

UU: i’m sUre dirk is a lovely person, or at least i hope that he is …

UU: bUt how am i sUpposed to trUst that yoU won’t pUll some awfUl trick and have him kill me!?

uu: BECAuSE FUCK YOu.

uu: I CAN KILL MY OWN SISTERS.

UU: yoU cannot!

UU: not only am i jUst as strong as yoU, bUt the rUles, caliborn, the *rUles*!

uu: WHY ARE YOu NOT SuPPORTING ME, BITCH?

uu: THIS IS NOT VERY SIsughersk

uu: Hello, Caliborn’s sister, this is Dirk.

uu: Though, I generally go by Bro.

UU: hello!

UU: i did not mean to be rUde earlier, regarding yoU potentially killing me!

UU: it is a bloody great pleasUre to meet the man who has been caUsing my brother so mUch grief!

uu: I’m afraid I don’t know your name.

uu: Also, have you stolen Cal’s ‘u’s?

UU: oh! my name is calliope!

UU: and yes, i’m afraid my brother and i have many rUles which are strange to oUtsiders, bUt they’re all there for a reason.

uu: I will accept that curiosity piquing statement and leave it be. For now.

uu: I understand from reading back up the conversation that you have concerns that I would kill you.

uu: Which, having known Caliborn for more than five minutes, I can definitely understand.

uu: And I recognise that if I was planning on killing you I would deny it, so my denial doesn’t mean much, though, for the record, Caliborn has never been less than forthright about his intentions towards killing me.

uu: I mean, he didn’t tell me that he’d given up on that game, so that’s a pleasant surprise, but in general …

uu: What I am trying to say is that if it made you more comfortable, we could meet in a public place. Maybe even with my family. I wouldn’t ever risk their lives or mental states by starting a beef with a vampire in front of them.

UU: that soUnds delightfUl! ^u^

uu: Well, that’s just obscenely cute.

UU: shall we meet tonight, then?

UU: i’m not a fan of enclosed spaces, i hope that isn’t inconvenient.

uu: Perfectly understandable. Perhaps at the skatepark off Church St, do you know the one?

UU: i do, bUt i’m afraid i am no skater.

uu: Calliope, and I mean this in the least assholey way that I possibly can, but there is no way that anyone is going to live up to my rad skills.

uu: Besides, I was thinking that we might just talk while the kids skated. I have two kids and a vampire kid, I’m not sure if Caliborn told you.

UU: he did.

UU: he rather won’t shUt Up aboUt yoU, if we’re being honest.

uu: I’m going to try not to let that go to my head, but prospects aren’t good.

uu: Caliborn is getting pissy about me ignoring him, so I’m going to let you go now, but I’ll meet you at the skatepark tomorrow, say an hour after sunset? I’ll message you if anything changes.

UU: yes, i’m sure that will be swell!

UU: it was very nice to meet yoU.

uu: Likewise.

undyingumbrage [uu] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [UU] at 4:40

‘There,’ you say. ‘She’s gonna meet us tomorrow at my kid’s skatepark.’

‘How did you do that? Callie doesn’t change her mind.’

‘Callie, that’s fuckin’ adorable. And I didn’t change her mind, I just compromised.’

Cal thinks for a moment. A long moment. God, you hope compromise wasn’t too long a word for him. You honestly didn’t think you found stupid people hot, you thought that was boring, but here you are, knowing full well that kissing him is only going to distract him from thinking through that simple concept and you’re on top of him and kissing him like he did something actually attractive.

‘How on earth do you manage two gangs? Surely that takes intelligence.’ You tighten your knees around his hips and smile against his lips.

‘They basically run themselves,’ he admits.

‘Right, well I think we have time for one more round before I have to play beat the sunrise to my place. Any requests?’

Cal strokes his hand down your cheek and even after the last day and a half you’re kind in awe that he wants you even without the sexy violence. He wants all of you.

‘I want to fuck you so hard that you can’t stop feeling me all day,’ he says.

‘Gonna have to bring your A-game,’ you smirk. Vampire healing and experience are not working in his favour. The massive cock you can feel hardening under you, however …

He kisses you deeply and runs his hands over your body, taking advantage of your hands being busy holding your body up over him. Well, fool on him, you only need one hand for that. You scratch down his side viciously and he snarls with pain.

He flips pins your arms to your side and throws you off him, presses your face into the mattress and enters you with zero fucking warning.

You groan like a massive fucking slut and you don’t care even a bit.

‘Yes,’ he growls above you. He’s already pounding into you, and the pain is on the awesome side of things even without prep because you’ve spent probably more time over the last day with his cock in your ass than without and you have honestly no idea if you have a time limit on your tolerance or if you could conceivably keep fucking him for the rest of your life. Maybe that’s why vampires haven’t taken over the world yet, they’re too busy doing this.

His hand is heavy against your head, all tangled up in your hair, and it’s so fucking possessive and animalistic and you love it. He shifts and pulls you with him so you aren’t in quite as bitchy a position and now his lips can reach your neck and you honestly think you might swoon. He grabs your neck with bruising force and holds you steady as he sinks his fangs into the back of your neck where it meets your shoulder. The only reason you don’t come is because you’ve been lasting longer and longer with each session, the last few orgasms feeling like they were dragged out of you almost painfully.

He pulls his teeth out of you and shifts again, pulling you so you’re both sitting up, like reverse cowboy but with him still holding you possessively and you take the hint, adjust your legs and grind against him with all you’ve got.

‘Fuck, Caliborn,’ you breathe.

His hands grip you at your hips, encouraging your movements. You force yourself faster, even though you’re exhausted, even though you’re feeling almost raw with over-stimulation.

‘Touch me or I’ll break your fuckin’ hands,’ you gasp.

He chuckles sadistically into your shoulder before he wraps his hand around you and pumps and it’s way too much way too fast and you think you’re going to die or come, one or the other and you wish you could do more, but you can’t, you just dig your nails into his thighs and fucking scream when your body decides to come rather than spontaneously combust. It felt like a near thing. He tips you back onto all fours and slams into you again, you’re tender as fuck and shaking in the aftermath, but he’s still going, all you can do is take it and you’d collapse if he wasn’t holding you up. Finally, fucking finally, he shudders to a stop, holding you too tight as he comes with a pained groan.

‘Fuck,’ you pant.

He slides out of you and you wince. Okay, yeah, you’re probably gonna feel that. You’re gonna need to write yourself a reminder or something: “Just because your boyfriend can keep up with you, doesn’t mean you should kill yourself forcing the issue.”

‘Time is it?’ you ask.

‘I can’t believe … you can think …’ Caliborn pants.

‘Sorry, you want a prerequisite amount of cuddles first?’ you ask, sarcastically. ‘Dude, we got a flesh-melting reason to keep an eye on the time.’

Caliborn falls onto the mattress heavily and you smirk at him even though his eyes are closed and he can’t see.

‘Gonna punish you for that …’ he says. ‘When I can feel my dick again.’

You slap him on the ass. It makes a satisfying noise. He opens one eye to glare at you and then closes it again.

‘Cal, you can’t sleep,’ you remind him.

‘Making an exception,’ he says.

You pull your phone out and check the time. You have almost an hour ‘til sunrise. Do you risk having a shower first? Yeah, probably.

‘Cal, lend me clothes,’ you say.

‘Someone will have done the thing,’ he says, waving vaguely.

You snort and decide to have a shower while Cal collects his dumb head. It doesn’t take long before he’s wrapping his arms around your waist from behind. You slide your soap-slick body from side to side against his because you’re a child at heart. He kisses you on the neck.

‘Want me to wash your hair?’ he says.

God that’s cute, he’s learnt a new skill that most people master before they can read and he wants to do it again.

‘Nah,’ you say. ‘Just getting the sex off me, then I gotta bounce.’

He kisses your shoulder again. You turn so you can kiss him properly.

‘How does it feel to have a boyfriend?’ you ask him.

His eyebrows fly up his forehead.

‘Oh,’ he says.

‘You not cool with the label?’ you ask.

‘Uh,’ he says.

‘’Cause that’s what I am,’ you say, because you’re a ginormous tool.

‘Yes,’ he says.

You decide to drop it for now. You’ll definitely make fun of him for it later, though.

When you get out of the shower, Cal walks out the door without even a towel around his waist. He picks up two piles of clothes that were sitting just outside and brings them back to you. You pick a t-shirt off the slightly smaller pile. It’s not identical to the bloody and torn one you left, but it’s close and it’s your size. You dress yourself, grimacing where your body is still damp from your careless towelling and look at yourself in the mirror. You grab a cap and shades from your sylladex, and yeah, your hair is limp and wet around your face, but you look normal. Barely any bruising or scratches, and as you stare at yourself Cal licks at the fingerprints he left around your neck and they fade to nothing.

‘You need healing?’ you ask.

He shakes his head.

‘Alright, well, I’ll see you tonight.’

It takes you another ten minutes before you realise that Cal isn’t gonna stop kissing you goodbye and you have to just leave. You grin at him before you turn into a bat and fly away.

Chapter Text

You have to transform on the fire escape and let yourself in the window. When you ease your way in, you see your family waiting for you in a perfectly ironic tableaux. You almost want to take a portrait. Like paint one. Not even take a picture, you want this shit done in fancy oils and framed.

Rose and Kanaya are sitting like princesses on the couch, ankles tucked in a way that you’ve secretly tried to replicate but can’t, both of them looking far too put together for 5:30 in the morning. Then there’s Dave and Roxy, standing on either side of them. Roxy is smoking a cigarette, turned slightly away from the kids so the smoke doesn’t get to them. Dave has his arms crossed and a perfect disapproving dad face on.

You wonder if it’s worth making them more angry by taking a photo on your phone. Like, it probably can’t get worse. You take the photo and smirk at your phone. While you’re occupied, Dave flashes in front of you and punches you in the face.

‘Ow,’ you say.

‘Dickhead,’ he says.

You turn your phone to show him the photo. He sniggers. You’re off the hook, he laughed.

‘Dirk,’ Roxy says, cooly.

Ah. She won’t be as easy to turn on your side.

‘Hey, Rox,’ you say.

She holds her cigarette out and you automatically take an ashtray from your sylladex for her. Shit, why do you even have that in there? She has you trained .

She stubs it out and takes her phone from her pocket, types into it for a bit.

‘Well, you make him happy,’ she says.

‘What?’

‘Honestly, Dirk,’ she says. ‘You didn’t think I would take your word for everything, did you?’

She sits next to Rose on the couch and picks something off her shoulder. Rose tenses slightly before relaxing again.

‘When do we get to meet him?’

‘Ah, tonight, if you want?’

Rose’s eyebrows go up. Roxy has too much restraint for that.

‘Serious?’ Dave says.

‘Yeah, bro,’ you say. ‘Skatepark hangout, we haven’t done that for ages.’

‘You said you’d wait for me to invite you back,’ he says.

‘Dude, it’s been two years.’

He shrugs.

‘I probably won’t skate anyway, gotta keep an eye on Cal and his sister.’

Roxy smiles as if she already knew that was a thing. God, you never know with her. How much of it is posturing and how much is a creepy ability to know everything?

‘So … I got porn to make,’ you say, trying to step out of the room.

Dave grabs your wrist.

You sigh heavily and let him push you onto the couch.

‘So, you’re alive,’ Roxy says.

‘Not even injured,’ you say, holding out your arms.

‘How are you so clean?’ Dave asks.

You look at him warily.

‘Bro, we checked on you,’ he says. ‘That place was messy.’

‘Told you not to go after me,’ you say, frowning.

‘You told me not to avenge you, I was just checking to see if I had to run or not.’

‘Did you chop them in half?’ Roxy asks, faux-curiously.

‘One of them,’ you say through gritted teeth.

‘Like you did—’

‘Rox, let’s assume the kids already think badly enough of me and we don’t actually have to go through all the illegal shit I’ve done in my life.’

Roxy smiles evilly.

‘I’m glad you’re safe,’ Rose says, distracting you.

She has her poker face on, she’s not showing any distress, but you like to think you know her better than that by now. You hold your arms open and she gracefully swaps seats so she can tuck herself under one.

Roxy rearranges Rose’s skirt so it isn’t crumpled.

‘You know Kanaya would have felt it if I’d died, right?’ you say. ‘You didn’t have to investigate in person.’

‘She can’t do the sensey thing yet, wasn’t sure if it would work,’ Dave says. ‘Besides, I was careful.’

‘He was good, Dirk. Sharp.’

You nod easily. Of course he was. Dave sits on the other side of you and leans into your arm slightly. You stop yourself from frowning in confusion and just chuck your arm around his shoulders like you did for Rose. He hasn’t initiated a cuddle in years.

‘Didn’t worry you, did I, little man?’ you say.

‘Nah,’ he says.

He doesn’t shake your arm off, though.

You meet Roxy’s eyes over the top of your shades, glance down quickly at the kids and look at her again with a slight frown. She picks up on your mental message. She raises her eyebrow slightly, asking you if you want her to intervene. You assume that would mean a dogpile. You shake your head, no. Look back down at Rose. Just keep an eye on her.

Eventually, they let you go about your business. You email several clubs asking if they want you and Lil Cal, seeing as your regular place got burnt down. It’s your favourite job, you don’t want to give it up. You upload a porn vid you already had saved because apparently you aren’t getting the apartment to yourself. You are absolutely going to see if Cal is willing to get in on your porn with you. There aren’t enough guys that look like him in the business. Well, obviously there are plenty of huge black guys in porn, but not built like him. He’s wild and his muscles are there for use, not show and you love it.

You manage to stop yourself from bouncing at the door when the sun is going down, but it’s a close thing. You haven’t skated in years, not since Dave told you that you were a show off and he needed time to catch up with you if you were gonna be a dickhead. Skating was one of the ways you’d taught him balance as a kid, taught him how to fall and get back up. He was so fearless.

When you get there, you recognise some of his other friends. Kanaya hugs Terezi close as Dave tries to greet Karkat in a non-awkward way. Neither of them know whether to hug or fist-bump or something different.

‘Kiss!’ you call to them.

Dave flips you off, but it seems to break the tension between them. You’re a fantastic ice breaker.

You turn to Rose, who seems content to stay with you and Roxy for now.

‘Should we be telling Terezi about all this?’ you ask.

‘They weren’t that close when Kanaya was human,’ she says. ‘Moving out has done wonders for their relationship. But perhaps.’

Kanaya hugs her moms next. They wave at you over her head, still apparently happy with the hypnosis you gave them. One of them has a skateboard with her and you remember Rose telling you that she used to be nationally ranked. You’re itching to take your board out of your sylladex.

‘Are you not skating, Dirk?’ Roxy says.

‘Uh, not sure if I’m allowed,’ you admit. You try and catch Dave’s eye to check.

‘Did you ever skate, Mom?’ Rose asks.

‘Roxy roller-bladed,’ you say with a grin.

Roxy smiles lazily back at you.

‘I’m going to talk to Porrim,’ she says, walking away.

‘Is Porrim the skater?’ you ask Rose.

‘No. Dave will let you skate, if only to be able to have a “which of us has the cooler parent” competition with Terezi.’

‘Yeah, not taking chances,’ you say. ‘What about you, Dave said you skate.’

Rose takes her skateboard out of her sylladex and you only have a couple of seconds to admire the ridiculously over-the-top goth design before she drops it to the ground and skates smoothly to Dave and Karkat, leaving you alone. You see them talking and she points at you.

Dave makes eye contact and gives a solemn nod.

‘Yo, Terezi!’ he calls.

How a blind girl can skate is beyond you, but she’s still better than some of the other kids there. You suppose her mom must have taught her.

‘YO COOL KID!’ she screeches, even though she’s less than a metre away from him. Good lord.

‘SKATE OFF, BRO!’ he shouts.

Oh god, she’s infected your kid. Your ninja kid. He shouts.

‘SKATE OFF, BRO!’ she agrees, much, much louder than him.

‘PARENT EDITION!’

Terezi’s mom stands up, then looks back at Roxy, who points to you. You give her an ironic salute. She holds her board up. You pull yours out of your sylladex and skate over to her.

‘We don’t actually have to have a skate off,’ you tell her.

‘Nah, Bro! SKATE OFF!’ she says. She holds her hand up for a high five and you oblige. Holy hell, that would have hurt if you were human. You can’t stop yourself from grinning at her, her enthusiasm is infectious.

She doesn’t wait for a signal, just slams down the board and rolls to the steps, jumping up and flipping the board several times before landing on it again at the bottom. She turns in a tight circle, arms out, clearly challenging you.

You follow with a jump, but don’t flip the board, keep it chill for now. You haven’t skated in a while and you need to get the hang of it again. You push up and down the bowl, feeling the speed change as you bend your knees. It only takes you a couple of laps before you’re feeling good about it again. You go back to the steps and jump the board again, land on the steps and jump back onto your board as it lands.

Pyrope claps gleefully before doing a classic grind on the bowl edge. You skate up, anchor grind the top of your board over the flat area in the centre of the bowl and drop back down. She does a classic bitch slap right past you. You do a 360 shove-it kickflip. You’re starting to think you’re not gonna be able to outclass her unless you take it urban.

‘Hey, old-school!’ she says, as you skate past each other, clearly running out of ideas.

‘’Sup?’ you say.

‘Catch!’ she says, kick-flipping her board your way.

You jump from your board onto hers a little gracelessly, but you land it. You hop it in a circle to face her again.

‘We done?’ you ask.

‘Man, we could do doubles, you’re good!’ she says. ‘You’re outta date though, dude!’

‘Radical,’ you say, waggling your fingers appropriately.

She grins.

‘Bro,’ Dave calls.

You look at him. He points over your head and you turn to see Caliborn standing there with a woman almost as tall as him, but unspeakably graceful.

You skate over to them immediately, kinda really very glad they must have caught at least a bit of you showing off.

‘Hey,’ you say.

‘Dirk, Callie,’ Cal says, gesturing awkwardly. He’s wearing a tie, how fucking cute is that.

‘Come meet my family,’ you say, kicking your board smoothly back into your sylladex. You take them to Roxy first, still sitting with Porrim. She gives you a look as you make introductions like, okay, now I get it . You smirk at her.

Roxy and Callie start talking about boring things you already know, like which kids are yours and what Roxy does for a living, so you step back a few steps with Cal.

You grab him by his tie and pull him in for a kiss, ridiculously turned on by the sight of the tie digging into his neck. He kisses you without resistance and you’re willing to admit you’re a little territorial. At least some of the pleasure is coming from knowing that he’s some big tough mobster, probably with people around for his safety and he is fine with you just being a possessive asshole. In fact, he kisses you back and pulls you in by the waist in a way that you are not entirely sure is PG-13. More than fine with it.

You force yourself to stop before you decide that fucking him at a skatepark with kids around isn’t that big of a deal. He frowns and fixes his tie.

‘Why are you dressed all nice?’ you ask.

‘Callie said I should,’ he says defensively.

‘Is your sister the boss of you?’ you ask.

‘She’s usually right,’ he says with a shrug. ‘Except about you. I told her I would show you I was sorry, by letting you kill my Slick, and whoever else, that you wanted. And she said that was not how people say sorry, and that I had to let you leave, if you wanted to leave, because I crossed the line.’

‘You did cross the line,’ you say.

‘Yes,’ he agrees. ‘That part was right. But also, you did kill my Slick and Diamonds, and I will not do it again, so it is okay.’

You shrug because you can’t be bothered telling him not to oversimplify shit.

Rose and Dave have joined in the conversation with Roxy and Callie, so you drag Cal back into it as well. He leaves his fingers linked with yours and you look down in surprise. You’re holding hands.

‘—but even if I was to go to school, I’m actually a year above them in coursework and Rose says people generally hang with their own year level, so …’ Dave is saying.

‘Oh, you must be clever!’ Callie says.

‘Just interested in shit,’ Dave says with a shrug. ‘And Bro’d kick my ass if he thought I was slacking.’

They all look at you. You shrug. Probably true.

‘And do you know what you want to be when you grow up?’ Callie asks.

‘Happy, I guess,’ he says. ‘I got a few things I like doing, be sweet if I could earn a living doing them.’

‘Rosie’s rather smart, too,’ Roxy says.

Callie smiles encouragingly.

‘It would be rather unladylike of me to boast,’ Rose says, smiling gently.

‘Would it be unladylike of you to show me how far you can grind?’ you ask.

‘I’m not sure we covered that in etiquette lessons,’ she says with a much more genuine smile. ‘May I be excused?’

‘Whatever you like, sweetie,’ Roxy says.

You squeeze Cal’s hand before you steal Rose and Dave away. They follow you to the other side of the bowl.

‘Show off, kid,’ you say to Dave.

He smirks and starts skating.

‘We’re watching and talking about Dave,’ you tell Rose. ‘There’s no reason for your mom to wonder about what we’re saying.’

‘Naturally,’ she says.

‘What’s going on with you two?’

‘I forgot what it was like, while I lived without her. She has a way of … it’s like backhanded compliments. Like, she’ll pass me a handkerchief to fix my makeup, which is helpful, but what she’s saying is that my makeup needs fixing.’