Archive of Our Own ^beta

The thing Seliph hated the most was being alone and doing nothing. Sure he hated fighting but at the very least he was preoccupied with trying to protect everybody around him, but when he was alone… His mind wandered. He would think about the battles he fought that day, the number of lives ended by his hand, Lewyn always told him that in order to save his country he would need to fight, he would need to kill… But it wasn’t just that he didn’t want to fight… It was that he was afraid of it...

He sighed and looked up at the dark sky above him, he had no idea how long he had been out here, in the gardens of Conote castle. But it must’ve been a while he remembered coming out here after dinner and seeing the sunset but now the stars were out, they were beautiful, gorgeous, Seliph felt he could get lost looking at them. they dotted the sky shining brightly reflecting off the waters of the fountain in front of him… It was almost as bright as the orange hair of the girl sitting at the base of the fountain.

Lana… Seliph’s eyes widened recognizing the girl almost immediately, though something seemed a bit different about her… He had known her for almost all of his life, and throughout all of his life she had always been cheery, excited and optimistic about everything and her eyes showed that, they were usually vibrant and full of life, but now…

Now they seemed sad… They seemed distant, like she had let her mind wander away completely unaware of anything around her. That’s probably why she hasn’t noticed me yet… Seliph knew better than anyone that when you let your mind wander that you could become completely unaware of the situation around you. Like you were lost in your thoughts all alone…

Seliph stared at Lana for a few moments, debating on what to do. She obviously had something on her mind but Seliph didn’t know if she wanted to be left alone… But then Seliph remembered what he had went through just a few minutes ago. They were in similar situations and Seliph didn’t want to be left alone, he wanted to talk to someone and even though he couldn’t read Lana’s mind, he could tell that she wanted to talk to somewhere as well…

He took a deep breath and approached her, “Lana!” He said calling out to get her attention and smiled at her, her eyes immediately looked up and she sat up straight.

“P-prince Seliph?” Lana said, some life returning to her eyes as she fiddled around with her robes, “I… What are…” Lana looked down at the ground before she continued, “What are you doing up so late…?”

“I could ask the same to you.” Seliph said in an attempt to dodge the question, he knew if he told Lana what was bothering him right away that he’d never figure out her problem.

Seliph had noticed that Lana would try her hardest to help people, she’d try so hard that she’d often forget about herself, none of this was more apparent than when she was healing, she could forget about the battlefield, and Seliph had saved her life on multiple occasions where she got too caught up in trying to heal a wounded soldier. As much as Seliph would like to talk to her about what was troubling him, he knew that she would only focus on trying to help him and she wouldn’t talk about herself, he wanted to get her to open up.

“O-oh well I… I just wanted to look at the stars tonight… they’re really pretty!” Lana said as she kicked the ground, and her eyes seemed to avoid his refusing to make direct eye contact, two clear signs that she wasn’t just looking at the stars tonight. She remained silent for a few moments before she let out a sigh, “I’m still terrible at lying aren’t I?” Lana said.

“Yeah, you still are.” Seliph said and let out a soft laugh, and he could see a slight smile form on Lana’s face. Even that small smile warmed Seliph’s heart, Lana had always had that effect on him, her attitude was contagious, when she smiled, he smiled; when she laughed he laughed with her.

Seliph took a seat right next to her at the base of the fountain listening the water splash behind them and looked up at the stars again distant memories coming back to him, “Hey Lana, remember when we used to sneak out of our rooms in the abbey at night?”

Lana turned her head, “Y-yeah I remember… We used to sneak out after we knew mother fell asleep and then we…”

“We used to go out to the hill behind the abbey and star gaze, we would talk and talk until we both fell asleep.” Seliph said and laughed.

“And mother would be furious with us the next morning, saying that it was dangerous to sneak out at night and even more dangerous to sleep outside.” Lana said as her smile grew bigger, obviously those memories were as cherished for her as they were for Seliph. Both of them would never ever forget them.

“I miss doing that…” Seliph admitted, “It seems kind of childish but I miss it…”

“Well isn’t that kind of like what we’re doing now?” Lana said as she turned her attention back to the stars, “Being up later than we’re supposed to and just talking with each other…”

Seliph smiled and looked up as well “I guess so, but still… It doesn’t quite have the same enjoyment of knocking on your window in the middle of the night.” He said and stared at Lana, and he heard her giggle, a soft gentle tone that made his heart flutter. Despite her laughter and the small, warm, gentle smile on her face, something still seemed a bit… Off about her.

Now is as good a time as ever to ask her… Seliph thought to himself as he watched Lana gaze up at the stars above, “Hey Lana… I don’t want to pry, but… Wha-”

“I was too scared to go to sleep…” Lana said closing her eyes, “You wanted to know what was keeping me up at night right?” Lana’s hand clenched , “I couldn’t go to sleep...I was...I was too scared… I couldn’t go to sleep I kept worrying that… that one day, someone… someone I care about might die...”

Seliph stared at Lana, he was shocked but thinking more about it, this shouldn’t have surprised him that much, Lana had always been sheltered, she’s always had a naive view point on life, even though she wanted to help people the war and all of the killing going on around her must’ve taken a toll on her, she must’ve just hid it from him.

“Lana…” Seliph began to speak but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

“You saw her didn’t you? Lady Ishtar, the thunder mage she… After she was defeated she just vanished, and you might not believe me but… I sensed something… Something dark, and evil and… and scary…” A single tear fell out of Lana’s eye and she looked down trying to keep it all in, “I sensed something that… That we can’t handle…” She sniffled, “I’m...I’m scared…” Lana said, repeating herself, “I’m scared…”

Lana’s attitude was always contagious, when she was sad, he was sad; when her smile disappeared from her face, his did as well; When she cried… He had to stop himself from doing the same.

“Lana…” Seliph said her name again and placed his hand on top of hers and squeezed it gently. He paused for a bit, the only movements he made were when he brushed his thumb gently over Lana’s hand before he looked her in the eye, “You aren’t alone Lana, the truth is...” Seliph began, but he trailed off, something was stopping him. He didn’t want to admit it, Shannan, Oifey and Lewyn had all pounded it into his head that he couldn’t show any weakness to anybody but still…

This was Lana, she was different from everybody else, she was… Well… Different from everybody else, she wasn’t just another member of his army, or one of his advisors, or one of the common people who worshipped him as a hero. She was Lana, the girl he had grown up with, the girl who he used to sneak out with and stay up all night with gazing at the stars, the girl who he used to run around the fields of Trinanog with, the person who he he trusted more than anybody…

“The truth is, I’m scared too…” Seliph said in a hushed tone loud enough so that Lana could hear him, but quiet enough so that nobody else would hear unless they were right next to them…

Lana stared at him and opened her mouth to say something, but whatever words she might’ve uttered must’ve been stuck in her throat…

“I’m out here for the same reason you are.” Seliph continued, “I’m out here because there are nights, exactly like this one where I can’t fall asleep, there are nights exactly like this where I want to be back at Trinanog with you, Lady Aideen and everybody else, there are nights where I stare at the gates of whatever castle we’re staying at or where I stare over the horizon, and I contemplate just… Running away from everything…” That finally part was especially true, more times than he could count, he had thought about just running away from everything… But he never did, no matter how much he wanted to, he never did…

Lana remained silent staring at Seliph in shock, obviously she never thought that Seliph would have any emotions like that, “But I’ll never run away, I’ll never turn my back on the people of this continent… I can’t turn my back on them...” He grit his teeth, a sense of determination rising in his voice, he wasn’t just admitting his fear to Lana, he wasn’t just trying to comfort her, he had to remind himself of why he never ran away, why he was still here, he had to remind himself of why he was fighting…

“You saw the faces of the people living here when we marched into the city, did you not?” Seliph said, “You saw that when we marched into the city that they burst into tears, they cried because that was how much freedom meant to them! And if I can invoke that emotion across the entire continent I’ll do so!” He stood up and looked at Lana, “I don’t run away because if I can bring that joy, the joy of being free to just one more person, all of this fighting, all of this killing would have been worth it.”

Lana stared up at Seliph, she could see his eyes were fiery with determination, the determination that she had always admired, the determination that inspired hope in her and so many other people across Jugdral, and with Seliph’s speech she was reminded of why she was here, why she shouldn’t run away, why even though she was scared out of her mind why she still fought alongside the liberation army. She wanted to help as many people as she could.

“I’m… I’m sorry milord… I shouldn’t have made you worry like that… ” Lana said looking down for a few brief moments before she locked eyes with him, the eyes that had been depressed and gloomy only a few minutes earlier were now full of life and determination, “I’ll always give my all to your cause, I promise.” Lana said as she rose to her feet.

Seliph smiled, the speech he had given earlier wasn’t just for her, it was for him to remind himself of why he fought, he wanted to protect everybody, to help as many people as he could, “Thank you for talking with me Lana.” Seliph said, he had wanted to admit his fear to someone for a while, and even if Lana didn’t say much, she still helped immeasurably just by listening to him.

“U-um Seliph I…” Lana began but got choked up again, but she shook her head and looked up at him, she grabbed his hands holding both of his in hers, “Just promise me you won’t get hurt or anything I don’t… I don’t know what I’d do without you…”

Seliph froze for a bit, a slight blush crossed both of their faces, “I promise you that I won’t get hurt Lana…” He said with a gentle voice and he rested his forehead against hers so they were face to face, “And don’t get hurt either Lana because I…”

His voice trailed off as he stared at Lana, her bright orange eyes close up against his, the vibrant eyes replaced the previously dreary ones, the light blush across her face and the tiny smile she had made Seliph realize something, something he didn’t know until this moment.

“Because I love you…”