Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jaebeom didn’t want this friend of his parents and her wife to come. It pissed him off, he would have to stay in the living room, with adults whose he didn’t remember their faces, answering annoying questions and hearing equally annoying conversations. But he would have to endure it.

It turned out his parents’ friends were bearable. Apart from the redundant and eternal questions and comments (“So now you’re… ? — I’m 17”, “Do you study well ?”, “Do you have a girlfriend ?”, “You grew up so much !”, “You’re almost a man now.” while touching his arm), both of them have been quite nice so far. But maybe not as nice as you-can-live-in-my-house-during-two-days kind of nice, though. His parents forgot indeed to inform their son that their guests would stay the whole week-end. Jaebeom was pretty irritated, but not as much as before, he would survive.

It was — finally — time to go to bed for everyone. Jaebeom was brushing his teeth, closing his eyes out of habit when suddenly two hands fell on his shoulders, firmly. Startled, he jumped and let out a yell. The owner of the hands chuckled.

“Oh my god, big boy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

It was the husband. Jaebeom shrugged his shoulders.

“It’s fine.”

“Well, I just wanted to take this…” the man leaned on Jaebeom to reach for a little box on the shelf, situated just above the mirror they were standing in front of. Jaebeom could feel the chest of the guest pressing against his back, and true to be told, he felt uneasy. He wasn’t fond of skinship, let alone from an almost stranger. Once the said man got what he wanted, he took some steps back and went for the door.

"Goodnight, Jaebeom.”

"Thanks. You too.”

Mind still tangled in the slumber haziness, Jaebeom slowly woke up. The fact that a body was stuck again his was registered a bit late, but immediately after it made it to his brain, he rolled away, astounded. The room was deadly silent, apart from the terrifying ruffling of the sheets caused by the person behind him, in his bed. In the darkness, Jaebeom eventually recognized the husband.

"Wh— !“ he started to shout, but the man roughly smashed his hand on the boy's mouth while rolling closer and looking at him right in the eyes. Jaebeom was petrified.

"Shh, stay silent, Jaebeom, fuck. Don’t say a word.” the man whispered harshly.

The boy stared at him with wide eyes, not entirely processing the situation. The husband shifted and manhandled him on his abdomen to abruptly yank Jaebeom’s sweatpants down. He tried to resist, but as soon as he attempted to raise himself on his elbows the man grabbed his head and pushed it violently against the pillow. Jaebeom was suffocating. He suddenly felt fingers between his butt cheeks, a place nobody was supposed to touch, certainly not this man, and he felt so helpless, this couldn’t be happening right now. The heavy breath of the man hovering him was disgusting, everything was, he wanted to puke or to die.

After an eternity during which unwanted fingers stretched his hole, the man forced himself inside of the boy, a hand still pressing his face into the pillow, making Jaebeom dangerously dizzy. The pain was so overwhelming he started to cry soundlessly, shaking uncontrollably, he felt like he was ripped in two. The man let out a low groan that made Jaebeom skin prickle in disgust. He managed somehow to turn his head on the side a little, so he could breathe but the man started pistoning, and Jaebeom thought he could really pass out at any moment. It would have been better. Everything would have been better than this fucking unfair thing.

✻

In his life until now, Jaebeom has received a fair amount of praises over his looks, his sharp eyes, his broad shoulders, his strong legs. Girls were often intimidated by him but secretly wished to be his girlfriend.

Frankly, it made Jaebeom quite uncomfortable. He noticed soon enough that girls didn’t interested him like that, even if he tried not to think about it. Not thinking too much was safer.

Now 22 years old, the days were passing by without any major inconvenience. He went to university, came back to his small studio apartment, ate, studied, slept. Everything kinda the same, everything kinda boring. Nothing to really hold on to. But it was fine, Jaebeom was used to this dull feeling, this grey painting his mind everywhere he went.

Sometimes, under his bed covers at night, the memory of this unwanted other night came back, crashing at the edges of his brain and preventing him from falling asleep. These hands on him, this voice were all over him again, taking and taking and taking and hurting. At these moments, tears were threatening to run down his cheeks, the internal pain still fresh somehow. Sometimes, the tears stained his pillow, but he preferred holding back, ignoring the distress he felt.

✻

He arrived at the amphitheatre, his body carrying inside to cold air of the outside. Most of the seats were occupied as many of the students took this subject as their major, including Jaebeom. He eventually found a seat near the front row, next to a random student. Jaebeom opened his laptop and checked out his phone, waiting for the lesson to start. The guy sitting at his side was playing a game on his phone, and he seemed quite absorbed in it, eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed tight.

The teacher finally appeared, and the lecture began with the sound of fingers typing on keyboards.
The teacher was speaking quickly, making hard for the students to keep up. The guy next to Jaebeom, the boy who was playing games earlier, had trouble to take note of everything and glanced often on Jaebeom’s screen.

To Jaebeom’s relief, soon it was the break. The guy was finishing typing the last sentences by watching on Jaebeom’s notes, so the latter kept his device switched on. Once the guy ended writing, Jaebeom saw him turning his body towards his own, a smile planted on his face:

“Thank you, and sorry. I’m Mark.”

Jaebeom has never seen such endearing teeth, it was a bit weird to think that, but truly, this guy’s teeth were good-looking, and so was his smile. And his face. Actually, this guy was handsome all over, from his blond hair to his eyebrows to his eyes to his nose to his smile. Normally, Jaebeom didn’t really pay attention to others people physique, but now he was finding himself surprised by this boy’s attractiveness.

“I’m Jaebeom.” he mumbled.

Mark. An english name. But when he thought about it, his looks seemed a bit caucasian.

“You’re Korean?” Jaebeom let out involuntarily.

Mark smiled again.

“I’m Taiwanese-American, actually. I lived in the USA when I was young, but I came to Korea about… 9 years ago.” he explained.

“Oh, alright.” Jaebeom has never been really talkative. But Mark didn’ t seem to care.

The following weeks, Jaebeom caught himself staring at Mark from afar more often than not. He watched him giggling with his friends, blond hair falling on his eyes and perfect canines bare.

It happened that Mark was a friend of one of his own friend — Jackson — and as a consequence he would spend some time with the blond boy. He soon became part of the group, and Jaebeom felt unexpectedly glad about that. Even if he didn’t really talk with him often, he appreciated Mark, his easiness and the sound of his laugh.

So, Jaebeom wasn’t alone, technically. He had some friends he could count on. But in his dark apartment at late hours, with no one in sight, he felt deeply lonely. Sometimes it scared him, the lack of warmth in his bones, but he grew used to it. It has become a familiar feeling, and even if it hurt, it felt like home somehow.

He had never told anyone what happened this night. Even if he knew that he probably should have, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. In fact, the more the time flowed and the more it became like a foggy nightmare, a unpleasant memory but devoid of any tangible reality. Almost like it only took place in his head. Almost.

He remembered that the next days, his parents have sent him to the doctor, because he was staring into space, have stopped talking and laughing and doing the typical things a teenager would do. The doctor said he was surely tired.
But the after-shock state he was in didn’t last forever. From his 17 years old to now, he managed to hide this night at the back of his mind as best as he could. Or he liked to think that.

One day, news of a rape were heard at the university. Two students, apparently. Jaebeom didn’t really want to acknowledge more of it, but it became inevitably the main topic in conversations. A friend noticed his unusual silence when the subject came out, but nobody noticed his sudden stiffness or his glistening eyes. Nobody but Mark, maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes Jaebeom would catch him giving him a slightly inquisitive glance that lasted as long as the flutter of wings.

✻

“Jaebeom ? I don’t get this part of the lesson… Could you help me ?” Mark asked between two lectures, before adding : “I mean, if you have time.”

Jaebeom looked at him, unprepared. “Uh, sure, no problem. We can meet at the library once this lecture is over ?” he suggested.

“Yeah, alright then. Thank you.” Mark replied.

At the library, they sat in a corner, it was calmer (even if it was already quiet in the library) and it offered a little intimacy. Constantly seeing students coming and going could be quite distracting.

Mark opened his laptop and looked for the part he didn’t understand.

“Ah, here. See, I don’t get this, maybe I typed it wrong…” Mark said.

Jaebeom leaned towards Mark to see his notes. He unexpectedly caught a whiff of the boy’s heat and scent, which he couldn’t really describe, but it wasn’t unpleasant. Definitely not.

Mark giggled : “Don’t mind the spelling mistakes.”

Jaebum nodded reassuringly.

After reading, he checked on his own device to compare with Mark’s.

“Actually, you forgot a word and wrote the opposite of what the teacher said, I think, look on mine.” he pinpointed.

“Ah yeah, you’re right, thank you !” Mark chuckled, putting absently his hand on Jaebeom’s thigh as a sign of gratitude, but Jaebeom’s body tensed up automatically and even he himself was caught off guard by his own reaction. If Mark were aware of it, he didn’t point it out and removed his hand silently.

“Hum, so. I think I will go home, I don’t feel like staying at the library.” Jaebeom declared, looking at his hands as he put his things back in his bag, brows pulled together. He was actually feeling upset about himself, about the way his body responded adversely to a friendly touch, reminding him of the incident — again. Always, like everything got back to it in some way or another.

Mark must have seen the abrupt contrariety on his friend’s face, and asked, honestly worried : “Are you okay?”

Jaebeom felt his chest tightening. “I’m fine.” he mumbled.

“Okay.” Mark quietly acquiesced, a bit against his will.

Jaebeom stood up, ready to leave, but Mark barely gripped his friend’s sleeve with his fingertips, just to catch his attention.

“You can talk to me when you feel, I don’t know, a bit down or whatever.”

Jaebeom looked at him, a little dumbfounded, not knowing how to answer to that, what to do with this sudden carefulness. So he said nothing and smiled awkwardly instead. Mark let go of his sleeve and Jaebeom left, feeling a bit confused but warm at the same time.

Jaebeom undressed, setting his clothes aside on the chair. Catching a glimpse of his body in the mirror, a bright red patch on his right pectoral attracted his eyes. It was itching earlier, so he has scraped the area strongly without thinking twice. He stepped closer to his reflection, and scolded himself for being so oblivious, as the scratch was raw, with some dry blood dots spotting the skin. Now it was itching again and hurting.

This minor skin issue wasn’t something new, it has appeared several years ago (one week after the rape actually, but Jaebeom wouldn’t acknowledge that) and it occurred regularly, without any pattern it seemed. His doctor once said it was probably a form of eczema, and gave him a soothing cream, but right now Jaebeom hadn’t any clue of where the product could be. To be honest, he might have lost it or threw it away a while ago. He kind of regretted it now.

Ultimately, he decided to put a band-aid on the injury and to ignore the discomfort, hoping it would heal by itself.

✻

The next day, the itch was worse than ever and he couldn’t help himself but scratching his skin again, not over the bandage to avoid removing it, but just on top of it, nails digging in his collarbone. He looked for any cream to soothe the itching sensation, but of course he didn’t even own a basic hand cream and he was getting late.

He headed anyway to the university, squinting because of the cold wind. Then he realised he forgot his scarf in his hurry. A big sigh escaped from his lips.

During the first lecture of the day, he was again sat next to Mark. Jaebeom did his best to put the increasing itching at the back of his mind but failed as he was scrapping his neck almost constantly, and he must admit it was really becoming annoying.

He was seeing at the corners of his eyes Mark turning his head to take a look at him every now and then, and eventually Mark spoke up while typing on his laptop :

“You’re like, very red on the neck.”

Jaebeom muttered something like ‘Shit’ and kept on typing as well while the professor was speaking, avoiding glancing at Mark.

When the teacher announced the break, Jaebeom went for the bathroom and was followed by the blond boy.

Jaebeom entered the room and directly positioned himself in front of the mirror, staring at the angry red peeking profusely out of his sweater, tainting the side his neck. He could feel that his skin was irritated under his top as well, probably more than this morning because his back was itching as well. In the mirror, he saw Mark approaching him by his side and his hands delicately pushing the sweater collar downwards. Jaebeom froze, he didn’t expect this gesture.

“It looks like it’s worse under your clothes.” Mark commented, eyes travelling on the red patch. “You know what it is ?” he asked while putting back the collar and looking up at Jaebeom’s reflection.

The latter swallowed. People were passing and glared at them strangely. “It’s eczema, I have it sometimes.”

Mark licked his lips mindlessly, like Jaebeom has noticed he often did.

“Don’t you have a cream or something ? It kinda looks bad.”

“I… lost it.” Jaebeom admitted, feeling a little bit irresponsible.

“You should buy a new one.” Mark advised.

“I should.” Jaebeom falsely agreed, knowing a medical prescription was needed to obtain the cream and that it meant he would have to consult a doctor. And he didn’t exactly possess enough money to do so, he was already struggling to pay his rent.

He told Mark he would go to the infirmary after the lecture, and Mark offered to accompany him. Because it sounded more like a statement than a question, Jaebeom accepted, a bit nervous even though Mark seemed relaxed.

Jaebeom knocked on the infirmary door once, but not hearing any sound coming from the room behind, he knocked once more and stronger. A voice finally replied, muffled by the door, inviting him to come in.

He opened the door and went inside, Mark right behind him. The nurse, probably around 40 years old, gave them an unimpressed look and asked them the reason for their visit. Mark stayed a bit on the side while Jaebeom described the state of his skin. She made Jaebeom sit on the cheap examination table before rummaging in a drawer.

“You must take off your sweater.” she ordered, face displaying a jaded expression and uncorking the cream bottle. “It’s not as strong as what a doctor could give you, but it should be sufficient.” she explained.

Trying not to think of Mark in the room, Jaebeom quickly pulled off the garment and shoved it further on the table. Feeling exposed, he didn’t dare to look up at Mark, but he swore he could feel his gaze on him. The nurse got closer to him and started examining the irritation, to make sure the cream was appropriate for this sort of issue.

“Mm...” she hummed blankly. “Put it on your chest and neck, I assume your friend can help you for the back, since I don’t think you can reach the scratch properly here.” she said while placing the product in Jaebeom’s hands.

Jaebeom’s eyes widened the slightest bit, but he presumed that she thought he was more comfortable with his male friend applying the cream on him rather than her. Which wasn’t an incongruous way of thinking, but she couldn’t be more wrong. Jaebeom saw Mark watch her with surpise written on his face, but then he smiled at him and Jaebeom wasn’t certain if he imagined it or not.

The nurse got back at her desk, seemingly trying to tidy things up a bit.

Jaebeom poured some of the cream over the pad of his fingers and began applying it on his pectoral. He winced at the cold sensation, but soon enough the product warmed up at the contact of his body heat. Almost shyly, Mark approached him while extending his right hand, indicating to Jaebeom to give him the cream. The blond student put a bit of the milky substance on his palm, movements quite clumsy.

Jaebeom could sense a sort of tension between them, hardly palpable but here nonetheless. As him and Mark weren’t that close yet and that skinship wasn’t really part of their blossoming friendship, the tautness hanging in the air was somehow understandable.

However, when Mark stepped behind him, slender fingers commencing spreading out the product on Jaebeom’s shoulder blade, it felt like it held something deeper, something scarier but also more exciting, but that couldn’t be accurately acknowledged by both of them yet. It was just there, transparently present.

Mark’s touch was gentle, and Jaebeom actually leaned slightly into it, shoulders dropping a little unintentionally. Behind him, the boy was silent.

“It’s done.” Mark ended up saying, letting out a breath almost imperceptibly.

“Thank you for having taken your time to come with me.” Jaebeom declared the same day, on their way to the train station. The itch was less potent, fortunately.

“No problem.”

Jaebeom’s eyes lingered on Mark’s profile, but when the boy mirrored Jaebeom's action by turning his head towards the latter, Jaebeom shifted his gaze, not wanting to be obvious despite the warm he felt swelling inside his ribcage.

✻

“Oh, has your eczema gotten better ?” Mark wanted to know, stepping out of the amphitheatre to go to the canteen.

“Yes, it’s less annoying now.” Jaebeom replied while he tried to adjust his snapback on his shoulders. He was struggling because his hood was twisted and stuck underneath one of the straps.

“Ah, great.” Mark commented with a satisfied tone.

Mark looked at Jaebeom’s hands for a moment, then when he saw Jaebeom failing at replacing his clothes, he grabbed without a word the hood of his sweater, fingers brushing over Jaebeom’s for a fraction of second, and managed to pull it nicely over the straps.

Jaebeom thanked him with an awkward nod of the head, and Mark smiled, mouth closed but still brightly, welcoming.

✻

Jaebeom couldn’t recall the last time he masturbated. Which meant : a while ago, probably.

The erection trapped deliciously between him and the mattress urged him to do something more than grinding on the fabric. Flipping on his back, he gave up and trailed a hand tentatively, almost unsure, across his upper body to reach the waistband of his boxers. He was so aroused, even this felt triggering. He began to palm himself through the underwear and let out a deep sigh at the sensation, heat suddenly invading his body. It has been so long since he did this.

After some moments rubbing his clothed dick, the need to touch it became too strong. Jaebeom wasn’t very patient, so he slipped his hand underneath his underwear. He let his fingertips merely skim over his sensitive dick, breath becoming a bit heavier and rushed.

Without truly realizing it, the image of Mark was printed behind his eyelids, his beautiful face and smile all he could think of. His mind wandered and he started imagining Mark’s pretty hands on him, on his neck, on his stomach, on his thighs, rubbing and squeezing and kneading. How is skin would feel like, what kind of noise he would make. He wanted to know.

Once he felt that the teasing worked him up enough, he shoved hastily his boxers down his thighs and circled his length with one hand in a rather loose grip, that created sparks low in his belly nonetheless. He gave his cock two achingly slow strokes, reveling in the way his body responded so eagerly to his ministrations.

Mark would be so caring, so gentle. The thought of Mark taking care of him alone made him shudder, the release approaching already, like a storm in summer.

He stopped playing around and stroked faster, firmer, Mark always in the background of his pleasure, and just by flicking the head with his thumb he came, half-shouting an involuntary gasp at how intense his orgasm hit him, sperm maculating his hand.

He remained boneless, panting and focusing his gaze on the ceiling, and soon the guilt of having used Mark to achieve an egoist relief replaced the bliss. He was aware everything has been only in his head, but yet he couldn’t help resenting this heavy feeling of having done something wrong.

He threw his sheets and walked to the bathroom, standing eventually over the sink and staring at himself. Eyes harsh, cheeks brightly flushed, brown hair messy. He fought off the urge to break the mirror.

✻

“Hello ? Jaebeom ?”

Jaebeom listened to the voice over the phone, not really recognizing it. He didn’t know the number displayed on the screen either.

“Uh, yes ? Who is it ?” he wanted to know, wondering who would call him on a Saturday evening.

“Ah, yeah sorry, it’s Mark ! Jackson gave me your number. I hope it’s okay ?”

“Oh, I see. It’s okay. What’s the matter ?”

“Hum, I’m just asking in case, but can I crash over your place ?” Mark asked, hesitation making him stutter slightly. But perhaps not, as Mark tended to stutter easily. “Jackson kind of kicked me out. Sorry if it bothers you.”

Jaebeom was caught by surprise. He never received a lot of visits, let alone impromptu visits, let alone visitors like Mark. He wondered why Mark was calling him, out of all of people the blond must know.

“Uh, sure. You can come over.” Jaebeom couldn’t say no. He didn’t really have any reason to refuse, apart from his penchant for quietness another presence could undermine, but it was quite irrelevant considering Mark.

“Really ? Thank you ! I don’t have your address though.”

Jaebeom indicated him the address, not very far away from Jackson’s and Mark’s apartment.

“Okay, thanks, I will be here in, like, 10 minutes.” Mark predicted.

Jaebeom agreed, and they hanged up, Jaebeom standing a little dumbfounded with his phone in hand.

Mark appeared at Jaebeom’s door 20 minutes later, because he got lost. Which wasn’t untypical of him.

“Thank you again, Jaebeom.” Mark said as he patted the other’s shoulder briefly.

Jaebeom showed him where to put his oversized denim jacket he wore often. Jaebeom thought it suited him well.

He awkwardly informed Mark that they could watch the TV while gesturing towards the couch. Mark agreed, plopping on the said couch. Jaebeom sat at the opposite end, then took the remote before looking for interesting programs.

They opted for Knowing Bros, but Jaebeom wasn’t really paying attention to it. His ears seemed more interested in catching the sound of Mark ruffling.

Suddenly, Mark spoke : “That’s a lot of books”.

Jaebeom turned his head towards him, eyes focusing then on the filled bookshelves behind the blond boy. Mark was also looking at it, and Jaebeom made a shy laugh. “I like reading.”

“It’s cool.” Mark stated, gaze back on Jaebeom and an impressed air on his face.

“Jackson texted me, and he told me not to come back unless I wanted to get a sleepless night.” Mark sighed. The implications were clear. He looked at Jaebeom with apologetic eyes : “Can I stay ? I mean, I will sleep on the couch and leave in the morning, no prob’.”

Jaebeom panicked a little, not used to have sleepovers. But he couldn’t say no to Mark.

“It’s okay, you can stay. I will sleep on the couch, though.”

Mark’s eyes widened and he shook his hands in a disagreement gesture : “No really, Jaebeom, you already let me sleeping here—“

“Seriously, I sleep on the couch.” Jaebeom cut him.

“Okay… thank you then.” Mark surrendered already, knowing Jaebeom wouldn’t change his mind.

When Jaebeom was changing the sheets, he remembered that he has gotten off at the thought of Mark in this very one bed. He felt dirty.

Sometimes, Jaebeom still had nightmares, where he was left lonely and afraid and powerless. It happened less nowadays than the weeks right after what happened, but even now, at times he would woke up and burst in tears, unable to control himself. He hoped his puffy eyes wouldn’t betray him the next morning.

He experienced one of them while Mark was sleeping in the other room. If he were awake, he could hear Jaebeom. He was crying as silently as he could, face buried in his knees and sweat gathering at his hairline. Jaebeom genuinely tried not to cry, he really did, but the tears spilled like an overflowing sink. He couldn’t stop sobbing, he threw angrily the covers on the floor and kept on crying. He felt like his chest would explode.

He heard a footstep and his heart jumped as he rose immediately his head in stupor. He distinguished Mark’s silhouette in the dark, still. Even if he couldn’t clearly see Mark’s face, Jaebeom could sense he was taken aback. The brown-haired boy stared at him, not knowing at all which words to use to explain his current state, to explain why he was crying in the middle of the night.

“What is it ?” Mark mumbled, voice low and deep from slumber.

Jaebeom didn’t know what to answer. He attempted to stop sobbing like a child, but he kept on hiccupping pathetically.

Mark’s gaze fluttered, and he ended up stepping closer to Jaebeom to sit on the edge of the couch. Jaebeom felt so weak and ridiculous he couldn’t bring himself to look at the other boy, not with the mess that has become his face.

“Jaebeom ?” Mark said quietly.

Jaebeom didn’t show any reaction.

Eventually, Mark sat even closer to him and wrapped carefully his arms around his shaking shoulders, bringing up one hand in his hair. He felt Jaebeom tense a little, but he didn’t refuse Mark embrace. Mark started to stroke the strands of hair comfortingly, uncertain. Jaebeom seemed to calm down a little.

“Whatever it is, you will be okay.” Mark assured him, voice not louder than a whisper. He assumed he would like to hear this to, if he were feeling like Jaebeom now.

They remained like this for a while, until Jaebeom told him in a broken mumble that Mark should go back to sleep. When Mark was standing in the bedroom door frame, about to close the door, he heard Jaebeom breathing out “Thank you.”.

They didn’t talk about this later. Mark never brought up the matter, and Jaebeom was silent as ever. He just shouldn’t have let Mark seen him like this, helpless and weak. Shame was eating him inside.

✻

Jaebeom was sat on a bench, wind dishevelling his hair. It was lunch time, but he didn’t feel like eating anything.

A student sat on the same bench. Jaebeom distantly looked up, only to meet Mark soft eyes. Wordlessly, Mark took something from his bag and began unwrapping it, finally handing Jaebeom a kimbap. Jaebeom stared at it, then at Mark.

“You didn’t eat.” Mark stated, almost accusatory.

Jaebeom decided to take the kimbap, and as soon as he did Mark started eating his. Silence settled around them, although it didn’t feel heavy. The wind was pushing Mark’s golden hair on the side and Jaebeom heart skipped a beat. He crossed his legs.

“Why do you take care of me ?” Jaebeom blurted out, harsher than intended, but Mark didn’t seem to be hurt.

“Because I like you.” he replied simply, as if it was obvious, not giving a glance at Jaebeom.

Jaebeom stared at him blankly, but Mark didn’t look back. Jaebeom didn’t dare to say it back, and silence surrounded them once again.

The next day, Jaebeom bought Mark a hamburger, and Mark never smiled so luminously.

Chapter Text

Most of the time, Mark stayed at the library when Jaebeom decided to study here. Most of the time, when Mark preferred to come back home, Jaebeom would go back to his apartment as well.

 ✻

Mark was the only one person who ever saw him in the aftermath of a nightmare. Once, Mark asked Jaebeom why he cried that night.

“You seemed really…distressed.” Mark observed, saying the last word in English, but Jaebeom understood.

“I had a nightmare, a scary one. It happens sometimes.” Jaebeom half-lied, throat tight.

“It must’ve been.” Mark answered without pressing him further. He added nonetheless : “If you have one of those nightmares again, I… you can call me.” His voice was a bit shaky.

Jaebeom tried to remain casual in front of a kind of concern nobody had never granted him with. Without formalities, Mark easily took his phone from his hands and Jaebeom watched his fingers moving on the tactile screen as Mark typed and saved his number in Jaebeom’s contacts list. He gave Jaebeom his phone back : “This way you can call me.”

The idea of telling Mark the truth was appealing, but the lock on his mind didn’t agree so much. So he swallowed his thoughts.

✻

The next time Mark found himself in Jaebeom’s home, it was because he stupidly forgot the keys of his shared apartment with Jackson. Jackson had to stay at the gymnasium until late to practice fencing, and Mark, because Mark was a forgetful person, let his keys inside. He didn’t have any mean to meet Jackson, so he asked Jaebeom again if he could come over. Although, he promised Jaebeom he wouldn’t spend the whole night until sunrise here, refusing to intrude too much.

This time, they didn’t switch on the TV and they sat closer on the couch, instant noodles in hand. The atmosphere was warm, comfortable like an early day of autumn.

 At some point, Mark asked out of nowhere : “Have you ever had a girlfriend ?”

Jaebeom nearly choked on his ramyeon. After getting a hold on himself, he whispered by the negative, voice as thin as a dry river. “Why ?” he blurted.

“Oh, for nothing, I was just curious.” Mark replied nonchalantly.

Jaebeom tried not to look surprised, but his face surely betrayed him.

“And you ?” he interrogated back.

Mark’s eyes had a mischievous but somewhat nervous glint in them when he glanced at Jaebeom.

“I hadn’t either.”

“You’re joking.”

“Why would I ?”

“I don’t know, you’re… like…” Jaebeom hesitated, not daring to say it, what he thought of Mark. “Everyone says you’re pretty. All the girls want to pick you up.” he finally dropped.

Mark’s mouth drew a small smile, while something that Jaebeom couldn’t read passed over his eyes. Mark sighted his lap.

“Maybe I don’t like girls.” he breathed out, gaze still directed at his knees and fingers fidgeting a bit. His tongue darted out an instant to lick his lips.

Jaebeom stared at him. He hadn’t suspected Mark to like boys ; not that it should really matter, even if in the depths of his brain it actually did.

Soon, Mark looked up expectantly while some worry filled his eyes still, and Jaebeom was still staring. He was at a loss of words, too stunned and afraid of either sounding mean or misplaced. Confronted to his silence, Mark’s features became gloomy. He sighed, almost unnoticeably, and brought back his attention on his noodles. The noiselessness crashing on him like a dead weight, Jaebeom didn’t find the strength to say something.

Mark finally abandoned him one hour later. While usually the blond boy left behind him a bright and calm mood, this time only remained a rainy atmosphere that felt wrong.

✻

Jaebeom spotted Mark at the library. He noticed that nowadays, the blond didn’t really appreciate spending his time in this place. But he knew Mark was here today because this morning, he had overheard Mark telling Jackson he would stay at the university library for the rest of the day.

A bit apprehensive to step closer, Jaebeom watched him a second, holding tightly the macchiato coffee he bought. A comfy-looking grey sweater covered his frame, hair looking absolutely soft, focusing on what he was studying. Jaebeom almost turned back.

He approached slowly the table Mark was sitting at. Mark didn’t look up when Jaebeom stood next to him, but he raised his head when a coffee was placed in front of him a bit clumsily. He stared at Jaebeom, then at the drink, sincere confusion showing on his face.

“Thank you ?” he muttered.

An instant of hurt shadowed Jaebeom’s gaze. Mark bit his lower lip.

“I thought… I thought you would like it.” Jaebeom explained, avoiding Mark’s eyes.

“No, it’s, I mean… I like it. Thank you.” Mark rectified.

“AndIlikeboystooIwasjustsurprisedsorry.” he added in a hurry.

Mark’s eyes widened briefly before going back to their normal size. He made some space for Jaebeom to sit next to him, and Jaebeom settled quietly, heart lighter. Soon enough, several of their papers ended up jumbled together like fallen leaves littered on the ground.

✻

Jaebeom blindly reached for the switch, breath raged and cheeks damp, but when he pressed it the light bulb sizzled. The darkness remained and Jaebeom cried harder, the reminiscence of the nightmare much more vivid in the dark. He didn’t know why, but the nightmares were more and more frequent nowadays, and the lack of proper sleep was starting to take a tool on him.

He saw his phone screen lightening for whatever reason. It made him think of Mark. The usual but uncontrollable waves of despair were suffocating him, and he contemplated calling the boy for real.

He hesitated for a while, regardless of the fact that the more he waited, the more the tears fell ; and that the more he thought of dialling Mark number, the more it seemed like the only option.

Jaebeom took his phone with trembling hands and looked for Mark’s number. His thumb paused over Mark’s name on the screen, to finally press it. His heart was hammering sickly in his chest, panic rushing in his veins like the pledge.

After three dial tones, a voice made it through the speaker, impossibly deep, a little husky.

“Hello ? Jaebeom ?”

“Uh… yes, yes… it’s me.” he sobbed, even if he intended to sound as calm as possible.

“Are you okay ?” Mark asked.

A lump formed in his throat, he was on the verge of crying once again.

“I… had a nightmare.” he told Mark with a wrecked voice. He felt so lame.

Jaebeom heard some ruffling on the other end of the line.

Just by the sound of Jaebeom’s voice, Mark could tell the other was in the same state than the last time, afraid and overwhelmed. This was so unlike the Jaebeom he knew during daytime.

“You’re okay Jaebeom, it’s okay…” Mark tried to help him, despite feeling unsure because he didn’t really have any knowledge on how to deal with a person all shaken up by recurrent nightmares. He had offered Jaebeom to call him, although right now he wasn’t very sure of the right words to say. Hearing Jaebeom fall apart and so vulnerable destabilized him.

Jaebeom was still crying, though it was quieter now.

“I’m here Jaebeom, you’re not alone. It’s okay.” Mark rambled. He thought his choice of words was a little bit poor, but he couldn’t figure out anything else to say. That his words were cliché or not wasn’t truly important at the moment.

Even here, he could feel Jaebeom’s fear, so he completed: “You’re safe, nothing’s gonna happen. You’re okay. It’s just a bad dream.”

Jaebeom tried to thank Mark, to show him he was listening. His body was having none of it, chest hiccupping erratically and nose running. In spite of it, he valiantly croaked a “Yes, thank you”, fingers gripping his phone like a lifeline.

Mark kept on telling him reassuring things, until Jaebeom fell asleep against his will, phone abandoned on the mattress.

The next morning, Jaebeom apologized. Mark said it was fine, he had told him he could call him. But Jaebeom felt so bare in front of Mark, and he despised feeling so weak, his pain all on display for Mark to see. This night would be the only night he called Mark.

✻

Early for once, Mark was a bit annoyed to see that the amphitheatre doors were closed.

He decided to sit on the floor, back leaning against a wall and knees bent. Just as he did, Jaebeom arrived.

“The amphitheatre is still closed.” Mark informed him.

Jaebeom sighed. He sat beside Mark and instantly, as the quietness enveloped them, he became very aware of the body next to him : the heat emanatingfrom it and the short distance that separated them. His heartbeat was already starting to set up a faster pace but Jaebeom forced himself to remain as unfazed as he could. At least from the outside.

But then, Mark gently spread his legs wider, making his left one brush subtly on Jaebeom’s right thigh. The movement was so irrelevant Jaebeom almost missed it, however when the warmth of Mark’s knee remained a constant pressure against his thigh, he could not ignore it. Actually, it was all what he could think about.

He turned discreetly his head to take a look at Mark’s face. Mark was staring right in front of him, but sometimes his eyes were drifting towards Jaebeom. Then Jaebeom watched where their legs were meeting, and he had to close his eyes.

When he opened them, Mark was gazing at him, eyes so full of something that Jaebeom wanted to break the silence. He didn’t, words dying in his throat and heart threatening to fall on the floor.

They eventually averted their gazes. They stayed like this, leg resting on one’s another, until others students appeared.

✻

When he left his apartment in the late morning, the sky of Seoul was as grey as its buildings and streets ; a thick, sad grey painting the clouds and the life underneath.

The wind made Jaebeom squint, slipping through his hair carelessly on his way back to his modest home. He didn’t meet Mark today. Usually, he would see him at least once if not more, in a corridor, at the library, during lunch or whatever. But Mark wasn’t in sight at all the whole day.

He was a bit disappointed, in all sincerity. His mood was a bit brighter with Mark around, even if they just greeted each other hastily, even when he just caught the glimpse of a smile the blond boy sent him.

Now the apathy had time to settle.

✻

Jaebeom saw him the next day, at the library. Mark was resting his chin on one hand, leaning on his elbow and looking boringly at his computer screen. With his other hand, he turned over a paper, his eyes following the inked lines printed on it without looking at them, only to sigh deeply after putting back the sheet.

He raised his head then, and his lips stretched into a brief smile upon seeing Jaebeom. He stared as Jaebeom sat, rummaged through his bag and finally got out his computer and folder.

He wasn’t here for ten minutes than Mark asked, quietly because of the place they were at, but still with annoyance lacing his tone : “Don’t you want to get out of here ? I want to go back to my place, I’m sick of being here.” He closed his computer infuriatingly.

Jaebeom blinked at him a few times. He wanted to tell him that not really, he was here to study in theory ; yet the perspective of being with Mark seemed a lot more enticing. It made his heart racing unreasonably, even.

Jaebeom nodded.

Mark plopped on the couch with a content sigh. Jaebeom had removed his shoes beforehand, like Mark did, but he was still standing near the couch with his bag on his shoulders. He felt a little uneasy, because as strange as it might sound, although they were friends he never spent time in Jackson’s apartment.

He observed the interiors. It seemed less tidied than his. But it was understandable, considering the small apartment housed two persons, while Jaebeom lived alone.

However, now that he thought of it, he wondered why he hadn’t been aware of Mark’s existence earlier as the blond boy was living with his closest friend. Maybe closest wasn’t the correct word then.

“Were you living here before ?” Jaebeom questioned before glancing at Mark. His eyes were closed but hearing Jaebeom, he opened them.

“No, only since this year.”

Jaebeom hummed in acknowledgment, then placed awkwardly his bag on the floor. Mark wasn’t moving, just lazing on the sofa, so Jaebeom didn’t move either. He didn’t dare to make himself at home, even if he was sure that Mark would not mind him. He carefully shifted on his feet, as if breaking the overall stillness would be unforgivable.

Mark ended up asking anyway : “Would you like some snacks ?”

“Sure.” Jaebeom replied, feeling a bit dumb not joining Mark on the couch already. His feet were like glued on the floor, his body disconnected from his brain.

Mark got up. Seeing Jaebeom not making any move towards the sofa, he said, gently teasing : “Will you stand here all afternoon ? You can sit.” An airy laugh followed.

“Haha, okay.” Jaebeom smiled clumsily, briefly rubbing his nose with the back of his index finger, an unintentional gesture he tended to do each time he felt embarrassed.

From where he was sitting now, he could see the tiny kitchen and Mark opening the cupboards. They seemed full of diverse food.

He came back with plenty of snacks in his arms, which he put all over the small table placed in front of the sofa. He sat again with a cover over him, then he picked a bag of chips. After tiring up the packet, and taking a handful of chips, he handed it to Jaebeom. The chips were oddly flavoured — sweet corn with cheese according to the packaging, the kind that people didn’t buy (except from Mark and Jackson apparently). He took one anyway. Chewing slowly, he figured that the taste wasn’t that bad.

Mark seemed to find them adequate to his taste as he stuffed some in his mouth again. His lips have become slick and shiny with grease. Only the munching and the ruffling of the bag were heard in the room.

“Do you want to watch a serie ?” Mark offered, mouth still full of chips and already reaching for the remote among the snacks that covered the table.

Jaebeom wasn’t fond of series, he preferred movies. But he could go along with it.

“Sure” he shrugged.

The serie Mark chose didn’t quite appeal to Jaebeom. His eyelids were threatening to shut down, and he wasn’t even genuinely listening anymore. He risked a glance at Mark, and the latter seemed bored-stiff all the same, gaze blank and unimpressed.

A raged masculine moan and too much skin shook them out of their lethargy. Jaebeom’s eyes largened as the television’s screen displayed two hands grabbing narrow hips, a tangle of legs and incessant noises of heavy, harsh breaths. One guy groped the other’s hair, yanking on it to bare the neck of the second guy, proceeding to lick it. The scene kept on unfolding in front of his bewildered eyes and their still bodies.

He decided to turn his head towards Mark, wanting to know if he was the only one stupidly flustered by this.

He unexpectedly met Mark’s eyes, catching him off guard. They weren’t expressionless anymore, they got liquid and heavy, even if a bit confused at the edge. Jaebeom briskly looked away and Mark budged a bit under his cover. He felt like something prickled over his skin.

“I have to go now.” Jaebeom indicated, after the episode ended.

Mark got up, letting Jaebeom gather his belongings and putting on his sneakers.

Mark opened the door. Once Jaebeom stepped on the other side, he stayed here quirkily, facing Mark, his mind empty and overfull at the same time. Mark only stroked his shoulder as a goodbye. Jaebeom smiled back kind of nervously, and before receding back, Mark’s fingers seemed to linger on his arm, almost unnoticeably so.

 ✻

Mark rolled up his sleeves in lecture, annoyance spilled from his eyes, and Jaebeom couldn’t help but peering at the slim bare forearms on display, at the skin rippling, at the tendons showing underneath, at the bony wrist.

He had never noticed such details about Mark, yet he was like infatuated. Mark was typing fast on the keyboard.

✻

An inexplicable anger was boiling in Mark since this morning, maybe actually much longer, but now all he could think about was how much he didn’t give a single shit about this lecture. About the whole university-thing.

He wasn’t even taking notes anymore. He shut down his computer before throwing it in his bag carelessly, then got out. The doors slammed shut behind him with a loud noise. It relieved him.

Mark happened to be angry out of nowhere some scarce times. As if he wanted to burn everything, including himself ; it would taste like acid on his tongue.

And he was failing his grades, too, slowly but surely. He had always been a studious student, but he couldn’t bring himself to care now, the insignificance of it has become too much to handle. He didn’t know why he turned out like this in the meantime of several months. Why everything seemed wrong all of a sudden.

Not Jaebeom, he was the only thing that felt right. Jackson was a dear, beyond reliable friend and more, but Jaebeom was bringing something else, even if perhaps (surely) the boy didn’t feel the same about Mark.

✻

Jaebeom stared at the moon from the window of the living room. The nightmare that had invaded his brain earlier didn’t let him sleep. Tears were drying on his cheeks.

✻

On Friday, they finished classes at the same hour. They often walked to the subway together, because they took the same train, the station where Mark stopped being the one after Jaebeom’s.

They jumped inside the train. It was particularly packed today, as Jaebeom had his back crushed against the doors, Mark was squeezed between him and another person. They stood so close, it was a little overwhelming.

Mark was a tad shorter than Jaebeom, and his frame much frailer. Jaebeom felt like he could entirely cover Mark with his body only. It thrilled him a little. The desire to embrace Mark’s small body and bury his face in his neck bloomed in his chest.

A rough movement of the train had Mark tumbling forward. His hands flied to Jaebeom’s shoulders, gripping them, and Jaebeom gripped the blond boy’s waist by reflex.

Mark’s breath was falling on Jaebeom cheek while Jaebeom’s breath was taken away. Jaebeom remembered out of nowhere that Mark once had said that he liked him. His heart stuttered.

Mark leaned back a little. Their eyes caught each other and something travelled in the air. His gaze dropped on Mark’s lips without really meaning to. Jaebeom looked elsewhere as soon he got aware of where his eyes were lingering. He hoped Mark didn’t notice. His hands were still holding on Jaebeom’s shoulders, his fingers shifting a bit sometimes, his head down.

The train stopped at Jaebeom’s station, causing Mark to let go of him. The blond boy said a “See you soon” which had Jaebeom nodding in return. Both avoided each other’s gaze. Jaebeom turned around and got off the machine. Mark could only see his back before the doors closed.

✻

“Mark Tuan, 2 out of 10.” the professor handed him his test.

Mark frowned upon seeing the bright red ink mocking him at the top of the sheet, even if he wasn’t surprised at all, as he hadn’t studied at all. Nothing unexpected. The lack of motivation had been lulling him this past weeks, such as it had since his very first year at university. It seemed to be worst nowadays. He wished he had choose another path, something he would have appreciated more and that didn’t make him feel so dumb. Or maybe he was just the problem, no matter what he would choose.

✻

The coffee Jaebeom was sipping at the cafeteria of the university tasted horrible. He tried to ignore it. His brain needed the caffeine.

A person entered the room. It drew Jaebeom’s attention, a bit out of mind, and he recognized Mark, who recognized him back. The blond smiled at him and went for the counter. Jaebeom heard him ordering a cookie. Cute.

Then Mark was sitting in silence in front of him, draped in an oversized hoodie as usual, a mauve one this time.

The cafeteria was quiet, and so was Mark.

“How have you been ?” Jaebeom felt like he needed to ask.

Mark tore off a piece of the large cookie and shoved it in his mouth, eyes focused on the piece of biscuit.

“I’m okay.” Mark eventually responded.

“Good.” Jaebeom looked at the darkness of his coffee.

“And you ?” Mark questioned in return, his gaze coming up, to Jaebeom.

“I’m okay.”

The rehearsed emptiness of these words made Jaebeom cringed internally.

“Do you want a bite ?” Mark asked with his eyebrows raised after a few beats, a finger gesturing towards the cookie. The offer caught Jaebeom off guard. He tilted his head to the side.

“Hum, yes, sure.” he agreed.

Mark took another piece of it between his fingers and he leaned forward, presenting directly the cookie bite to Jaebeom’s mouth. Jaebeom looked at Mark with a bewildered expression. Mark behaviour was a little confusing, it made his heart beat erratically and his palms sweat.

Since Mark wasn’t moving at all and kept the cookie bite in front of Jaebeom’s lips, stubborn, Jaebeom carefully opened his mouth. Mark pushed the cookie on Jaebeom’s tongue. He felt Mark’s fingertips grazing against the pink flesh of his lips and his insides made a loop.

Mark sat back on the chair and ate another piece of cookie.

✻

The loneliness. At day. At night, when the memory of these hands on him was seeping in him like stagnant water. It was nagging at him furiously these days. Perhaps Mark was the reason behind it. Objectively, Mark and Jaebeom weren’t even close. He didn’t know if Mark preferred chocolate over vanilla, dogs over cats, movies over books. He wished he knew.

✻

Mark joined Jaebeom for lunch. They were chewing their food silently.

Mark broke the silence after a few minutes.

“By the way, your nightmares, are they still bothering you ? he inquired.

Jaebeom gulped and focused on the kimchi in front of him. He hesitated between telling the truth or lying.

“They… come back sometimes.” he vaguely explained.

He lifted up his eyes. Mark was staring at him, intensely, but Jaebeom couldn’t tear his gaze away. Mark’s eyes were like magnets.

“But…” Mark broke the eye contact, “Do you know when it started ? Or why ? It’s weird to have regular nightmares like this, no ?”

Jaebeom froze. Mark had never asked such direct questions. When it started. Why. The memory surged and it felt like it stabbed his chest, he felt naked. He looked down at his fingers holding his fork.

“It… when I was a teenager.” he barely heard himself mumbling.

“Something happened ?”

Something. A lump formed in Jaebeom’s throat and his eyes became watery. Talking would be impossible without crying. And he couldn’t cry, not here. His throat was so constricted it hurt.

“Jaebeom ?” Mark worried.

Jaebeom tried to swallow everything, the memory, the lump, the tears. He managed a bit.

“No, nothing happened.” he said, even if he figured that Mark surely could tell he was lying.

The silence was nerve-wracking.

But then, fingers came within his field of vision, creeping on the table, delicate and wary. They brushed over Jaebeom’s, which were still gripping his fork. The fingers — Mark's fingers — grabbed his index in a hesitant motion, they curled around it, a thumb stroking his knuckles.

Jaebeom trailed his eyes up to Mark’s arms, Mark’s face. Mark dropped his gaze and retrieved his hand hastily.

“I have to go.” he stood up.

Jaebeom just stared, following Mark’s movements. He glanced at Jaebeom, as if he was embarrassed. Jaebeom opened his mouth, he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. He kept on staring as Mark made his way to the door and left.

✻

Jaebeom had cried all day, in front of the kitchen counter, on his couch, facing the mirror, sat at his desk. It felt like a nightmare, but awake.

He laid on his bed, wondering what he would look like with blood oozing from his veins, forming a puddle on the floor. What he would look like with empty eyes and paper white skin.

Only the tears poured out.

✻

He saw Mark the next day. It started a bit awkward, but soon it felt familiar again. Mark was waiting for a class, and Jaebeom was about to go home. He decided to kept Mark company for the waiting time, it’s not like he was in a rush.

They did small talk, broken by short silences, and then Mark blurted out :

“I’m sorry for the other day.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Jaebeom reassured.

“I left like that, it was silly.” Mark insisted.

“It’s okay, I understand.”

“I still wanted to apologize.”

“Alright, but it’s fine.” Jaebeom persevered.

He put a hand on Mark’s biceps to emphasize his words, half-instinctively, half-intentionally while Mark nodded in surrender. He realised his touch could be unwanted, and the contact felt wrong all of a sudden. He retreated his hand.

Mark looked at his phone and told Jaebeom his class was about to begin. Jaebeom would prefer to stay with him, not heading back to his apartment where he would have to face the sorrow again.

Mark kept on spacing out during the class. Jaebeom was all over his mind and his heart. And he hated university. Before, it could bear it. But now, going to class and lectures, knowing he was failing anyway, stifled him. Like his chest was crushed every time he entered a class. He wanted to run away so badly.

Playing video games or (and) thinking about Jaebeom, being with Jaebeom made him feel safe.

✻

Sometimes (most of the time) Jaebeom greatly appreciated the quietness of his apartment. Not now, though. It was being rather overwhelming.

His phone vibrated.

From : Mark
U want to come over ? Jackson’s not here. We could watch a movie ? (7:09PM)

Jaebeom was a bit surprised. He didn’t realise that Mark would want to spend time with him, like this. Watching a movie together on a Saturday night.

He bit his lips, fingers drumming nervously against the side of his phone. He finally taped on the screen.

From : Jaebeom
Okay, I’ll be there in 10min (7:16PM)

All the way to Mark’s apartment, Jaebeom felt like throwing up his heart. It fluttered like a scared animal in his chest.

He knocked on the door. Shortly after, he heard the sound of keys unlocking the lock before Mark appeared in the door frame. He was wearing something casual as usual, some white t-shirt and sweatpants. Jaebeom thought it suited him well, despite being simple.

Mark smiled, his sharp canines on display, and gestured to Jaebeom to enter.

“I’m glad you came.” Mark said then.

Jaebeom mumbled a “Yes”, a coy smile on his face, his fingers reaching up to rub his nose bridge.

Like last time, Mark got out different snacks from the drawers. Jaebeom wasn’t really hungry.

“Which movie would you like to watch ?” Mark questioned. “Like, we have some James Bond, this one is Joy…”

Jaebeom settled on the couch as Mark was turning on the television.

“Hum, Joy seems good to me.” Jaebeom answered, but honestly, he had no idea what this film was about.

“Alright then.” Mark acknowledged before he opened the box and put the DVD in the player.

Mark came back on the couch with a cover while the movie started. He served himself some chips, then offered the bag to Jaebeom.

They were comfortable in each other presence, yet Jaebeom still felt a mild nervousness persisting in him. He swallowed his saliva, making his Adam’s apple bob under the skin of his neck.

Occasionally, he darted discreetly at Mark’s profile. His blond hair was falling beautifully over his forehead. He wasn’t the only one glancing to the side as Jaebeom glimpsed Mark’s eyes on him as well, from time to time. It was messing with his heart rate. He didn’t mind it that much.

Mark brought the cover higher on his body and slowly lied down, placing his head on Jaebeom’s lap. Jaebeom froze. His stupefaction must have been showing, because Mark asked, peering up at Jaebeom :

“Am I bothering you ?”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Jaebeom replied.

Mark was glad that Jaebeom couldn’t hear his heart racing. Jennifer Lawrence was screaming at Bradley Cooper in the television.

Jaebeom struggled to know where to put his hands, trying to avoid touching Mark’s hair. The other’s ears were particularly pink. It made his guts loop. He chose to train his eyes back on the screen, his hands carefully glued to his front.

At some point though, his hands protested against the position they were in. It wasn’t really comfortable. Jaebeom bravely ignored his erratic heart when he placed a hand on Mark’s scalp.

Mark made a small “oh” of surprise, which caused Jaebeom to retract his hand, mortified. But Mark kind of whined in disapprobation and managed to grab his wrist loosely, putting back Jaebeom’s hand in his hair. Mark’s ears have turned red.

Jaebeom didn’t dare to brush Mark’s hair immediately. For a short while, he just let his hand here. When he began fondling lightly the blond’s strands, it was almost absentmindedly. It had quite a silky texture despite the hair dye. Mark shifted a bit on his thighs, sighing contentedly.

A certain peace of mind grew within Jaebeom, like this, stroking Mark’s hair. The thought of being able to do that again was appealing, but he didn’t let it linger too much.

 ✻

The subway was crowded. Jaebeom sighed in annoyance before entering the train. Even if he were standing, Jaebeom’s eyelids were heavy, worn out by the day.

Then he felt it. He flinched violently. He was almost sure that the hand he had felt squeezing his butt hadn’t been an accident. He looked down at the dirty floor, hoping fervently that the touch wouldn’t occur again. Unfortunately, it did. The hand landed back on his butt, gripping, kneading it, even traveling lower, as if the person wanted to bury their fingers between his butt cheeks. Jaebeom’s whole body tensed, he closed his eyes forcefully. He felt like crying but he didn’t manage to react at all.

The female voice announcing the next station startled him but relieved him as well. It was his station. The bastard behind had come closer, Jaebeom could feel his crotch slightly grinding against his body. It was making him sick.

The train stopped. The doors opened and Jaebeom ran outside. He didn’t glance behind, he just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen and go home.

His body was shaking as he was getting inside his apartment. The tears creeped up.

After he went to the bathroom and curled up on the tiled floor with his arms wrapped around his knees, they spilled out his eyes, a never-ending river of salty water running down his cheeks. It felt like a wound was unstitched too early, as if the blood were gathering at the seams.

His body was still trembling uncontrollably. Jaebeom cried until he couldn’t feel his eyes anymore.

✻

Mark had noticed that Jaebeom looked tired. His complexion was a little dull, his cheeks had lost a bit of their fullness. He also noticed when his friend’s neck started to be stained by red blemishes again, and that Jaebeom was regularly scratching it, making it worse.

They were waiting together for the train again. Jaebeom scratched his neck for the umpteenth time, almost angrily. Mark frowned and he reached up to remove Jaebeom’s hand.

“It itches so damn much.” he sighed.

“It’s eczema, like last time ?” Mark enquired. He brushed a finger over the red skin. Jaebeom nearly shivered.

“I think so.” Jaebeom replied, his hand forming a fist next to his thigh.

Mark pouted apologetically. It made Jaebeom smile a little, a newfound tenderness flourishing in his chest.

✻

The wooden seat of the amphitheatre hurt Mark’s butt. The teacher’s voice annoyed him. The noises coming from the typing on the keyboards made him grit his teeth. He would die if he stayed another hour.

He left once again in the middle of a lecture.

In the subway, the perspective of going back to his and Jackson’s apartment caused an anxious feeling to rise. Jackson was busy somewhere else, but Mark was unwilling to stay alone. He decided to go to Jaebeom’s place, despite fearing he would mind his visit. He didn’t dare to send a text.

Jaebeom was falling asleep on his couch, fingers progressively going slack. But then the doorbell rang. He jumped out of surprise.

He stood quickly from the sofa to step towards the front door. He wasn’t expecting at all Mark standing behind it.

“Oh, hi.” Jaebeom said.

“Hi, uh, I wanted to come, but, I’m sorry if I disturb you.” Mark babbled.

“No, no, no problem, come in.” Jaebeom reassured him while opening the door wider, allowing Mark to enter. Jaebeom’s neck was still red in some spots.

“Thanks.”

Jaebeom closed the door. Silence. He moved over to the couch, Mark followed him and let himself fall on the cushions. He sighed. Jaebeom cleared his throat, then glanced at the other boy.

“Don’t you have lectures at this time ?” he wondered.

Mark fidgeted with the hem of his sweatshirt. He sighed again. Jaebeom felt like it was the wrong question to ask.

“I left.” Mark mumbled, close to inaudible.

A lot of students would drop an on-going lecture sometimes, because of boredom, or sleepiness, it was not uncommon. But the way Mark has said it seemed to hold something heavier, even if Jaebeom couldn’t pinpoint exactly what. He wasn’t brave enough to ask Mark.

Mark shifted in the seat, shutting his eyes for a brief moment. He opened them before taking a shallow breath.

“Uni. I can’t anymore, like…” Mark started, unsure. “Like… I hate everything about it, I don’t even fucking know what I’m doing here. It suffocates me.”

Jaebeom didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. The confession was rather unexpected.

Mark frowned. “I’m sorry, I’m bothering you. It’s stupid. Sorry.” he began to stand up.

Jaebeom reached out for him, grabbing his wrist.

“No, I get it. I think.” he told Mark.

Mark peered down at where Jaebeom’s hand rested on his skin. He sat again on the couch, before looking at Jaebeom’s face. Jaebeom still had his fingers wrapped around his wrist. Jaebeom looked at him too.

Mark’s eyes flickered on Jaebeom’s lips, just two seconds, but it was enough for him to have them engraved in his brain. The idea of kissing them crossed his mind. And settled here.

Jaebeom stayed still, staring back at Mark. He had noticed Mark’s gaze shifting a little on his lips. It made him feel hot, and it made him look at Mark’s mouth, too, just for two seconds. The air between them turned liquid.

And Mark kissed him, his lips coily pressed against Jaebeom’s, warm and gentle, yet impulsive. Something bloomed within his body.

Before he knew it, Mark leaned back a little and it was over, his mouth replaced by his breathing. Jaebeom shifted his eyes down, and Mark fully moved back. Jaebeom’s fingers withdrew from the blond’s wrist.

When Jaebeom found the courage to face Mark, he already had his eyes trained on Jaebeom. Worry filled his orbs, and Mark bit his lower lip. He was unable to withstand the other’s gaze. His cheeks and ears had turned pink, so Jaebeom could sense that Mark seemed to feel guilty.

Looking back at his lap, he gently took one of Mark’s hands between his own.

Jaebeom left Mark’s apartment two hours after the end of the movie.

Chapter Text

Jaebeom didn’t catch any sight of Mark for three days.

But eventually, he saw him. Even from behind, Jaebeom recognized the boy’s frame. He was walking in front of him, and Jaebeom wanted to catch him up but he was scared. So, he didn’t. He kept on staring at Mark’s back instead.

Mark suddenly turned around. Jaebeom came to a halt and he looked at Mark, who realised the presence of the younger. Mark stopped, his eyes a little wide. Jaebeom adverted his gaze. He heard quiet footsteps approaching and his name being pronounced. Mark sounded shaky on the edges.

“Mark.” Jaebeom replied, whispering without meaning to, putting a small smile on his face. He focused his eyes back on the blond.

Mark nodded and bit his lips, out of habit. Jaebeom always noticed when he did that. They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment.

Mark cleared his throat. “Are you busy right now ?” he asked.

“No, I was leaving actually.” Jaebeom explained.

Mark seemed to be hesitant, unsure. He looked down at his fidgeting fingers.

“Do… you want to come with me ?” Jaebeom blurted out. His heart was racing.

Mark gazed at him whith surprise.

“Really ? Sure.” the blond beamed.

Since then, Mark found himself in Jaebeom’s apartment quite often. Jackson even complained jokingly that Jaebeom was stealing his Mark. Sometimes, Mark would just sleep on Jaebeom’s couch, otherwise he would watch Jaebeom study. They would talk, too.

It felt natural and clumsy at the same time, but they didn’t mind it.

✻

Jaebeom wandered along the shelves of the supermarket. He passed by the alcohol area, where there were tons of shiny bottles pressed against each other in lines. Usually, he didn’t even give them a glance, but not today. Not when the void and the sadness and the anger were bothering him again.

✻

“You seem tired today.” Mark observed. He was sitting cross-legged on Jaebeom’s sofa, next to the latter. The dark-haired boy closed his laptop and rubbed his eyes.

It was already dark outside.

“I didn’t sleep well yesterday.” Jaebeom admitted. His eyes felt itchy and slightly watery because of it.

Mark nodded sadly, and Jaebeom glanced at the numbers on the digital clock. He frowned.

“Maybe you should head home.” he told Mark. “I mean, it’s late.”

Mark uncrossed his legs, but he didn’t make any move to stand up. He stared at Jaebeom.

“Do you want me to stay with you ?” Mark finally questioned.

“Staying with me ?” Jaebeom repeated.

“Yes. Sleeping with you. For the night.” Mark’s fingers were playing with the sleeves of his sweater.

Jaebeom froze and his eyes filled with bewilderment. He was looking at Mark like he couldn’t believe what the blond had said.

“I mean, just to sleep ! To help you sleep, just sleep.” Mark hastened to clarify after he realised the ambiguity of his choice of words.

Jaebeom’s face relaxed a little, but his hand reached up to scratch the nape of his neck.

“Like… sometimes Jackson sleeps with me. It can help, not to be alone, but if you don’t want, it’s okay.” Mark rambled.

“No, no, I mean, yeah ?… Stay.” Jaebeom mumbled.

A soft warmth gathered in Mark’s chest.

They got under the covers, Mark wearing one of Jaebeom’s t-shirts.

When the ruffling of the sheets ceased, Jaebeom turned the lights off. Their bodies were at a respectful distance of each other, both facing the ceiling. Jaebeom felt the blond turning towards him. He kept on staring insistently at the ceiling, now a dark blue because of the darkness and the lights of the street. Mark briefly set his eyes on him. Jaebeom let out a small sigh.

He heard Mark mumbling a “G’ night”. Jaebeom hummed in response, not trusting his voice.

Mark started snoring softly after a while. It made Jaebeom smile a little. Warily, he peered at Mark, despite the fear of waking him up. Mark looked ethereal like this.

Jaebeom mirrored Mark by slowly positioning himself on his side, facing Mark, almost holding his breath. They were so close. The sound of Mark’s respiration soothed him, like a blanket of calmness laying over his mind and body.

Hesitant, his fingers moved on the mattress, reaching for the body next to him. He gripped delicately at the fabric of Mark’s shirt with both hands. The pounding of his heart was reverberating through his ribcage, making his hands tremble in rhythm. Deep down, he wanted to hold Mark’s hands, he wanted Mark to hold him. But he wasn’t feeling bold enough to grab the other’s hand or to curl up against his chest.

Fingers firmly holding on to the t-shirt Mark was draped in, Jaebeom closed his eyes. The quietness of the night and Mark’s breathing lulled him to sleep.

The bed was really warm. His eyes still closed, Jaebeom thought that he slept quite well, even if his dreams hadn’t been entirely pleasant. They hadn’t been nightmares, at least.

He lifted up his eyelids, his chest feeling oddly full. And then he saw Mark, awake, looking at him. Golden strands dishevelled and face a bit swollen. Jaebeom adverted his gaze where his fingers were still gripping Mark’s t-shirt. A sting of panic rushed through him. He put back his hands slowly, with the delusional hope that Mark wouldn’t notice. But one of Mark’s hands soon grasped Jaebeom’s ones, in such a way that it seemed Mark was afraid Jaebeom would disappear. Jaebeom avoided meeting the other’s eyes.

When it was clear that Jaebeom wasn’t retracting his hands from Mark’s hold, the blond released them.

“Good morning.” Mark articulated.

“G— good morning.” Jaebeom stuttered.

Mark smiled.

✻

When Jaebeom was finding himself crying in his pillow at night, he imagined Mark beside him. It was helping a little.

When Mark was going to university with this heavy weight on his chest, he thought of Jaebeom and the weight felt a bit lighter.

✻

An USB stick was handed to Mark.

“The notes of the class you didn’t attend last time.” Jaebeom supplied.

Mark looked at it with surprise, but then he remembered. He wondered how Jaebeom could know that he had skipped the lecture. They didn’t share this class.

“Jackson told me, and I know someone who went to the lecture. I thought you would need the notes.” Jaebeom explained without Mark having asked anything.

Mark accepted the USB stick and inserted it into his laptop.

“Thank you,” he said in a tiny voice. “even if I’m almost sure they’ll be useless.” he muttered under his breath, bitter.

“What ?” Jaebeom questioned.

Mark looked at the other with astonishment, but shortly after chose to stare at the screen of his computer instead of Jaebeom’s eyes.

“I mean, I probably won’t look at them, or learn the lesson anyway.” he admitted blandly.

Mark kept his gaze trained on the screen, his lips tightly pressed together.

“Oh, okay.” Jaebeom breathed out. He gave Mark’s arm a little squeeze, even if his hand was unsure.

✻

“This is clearly insufficient, Mr. Tuan.” the teacher said, his tone reprimanding.

Once outside, Mark lightened up a cigarette he found in the bottom of his bag, all scrunched up and dirty. He had no idea how it got there.

He took the lighter a friend of Jackson had forgotten on the couch last night. He originally wanted to give it back to him today. He lighted the cigarette up and burned the paper with it, wondering if he should burn himself, too.

✻

Mark wasn’t with him tonight. Jaebeom glared at the two bottles of vodka on the coffee table that he had bought the other day.He stood up and opened one. He knew it would taste horrendous, but he needed the same dreadful feeling of loneliness to go away. He took a big gulp, wincing and nearly throwing up. He really hated the taste.

He ended up spread out on the floor, staring vacantly at the ceiling. He listened to the throbbing of his heart, weirdly loud. He liked the warmth sensation in his limbs and the numbness the liquid brought. Mark came to his mind.

A single tear rolled down his face.

✻

Mark woke up late, so he decided not to go to the university. It was useless anyway.

At 3pm, sprawled on the couch, he heard his phone buzzing. He looked at the screen. It was Jaebeom. Mark picked up.

“Hi ?”

“Hi. It’s Jaebeom.”

“Yeah.”

Then a silence.

“I wanted to know if you’re okay. Normally… normally you’re here, and you didn’t warn me you’d skip classes so I wanted to know if everything’s fine.” Jaebeom continued, words a bit mumbled, timid.

“Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry. I woke up late, so…” Mark explained vaguely.

“I’ve finished my classes.” Jaebeom stated.

Mark’s lips stretched into a smile.

“I’m waiting for you, then.”

✻

It fell into a sort of routine now, remaining in each other presence either in Jaebeom’s or Mark and Jackson’s apartment, without exchanging a ton of words. 

“I really like your two freckles here.” Mark once spoke out as he extended his arm to brush a finger against Jaebeom’s skin, under his eyebrow.

Jaebeom stopped typing on the keyboard. He almost shivered under the touch, his eyes briefly widening despite himself. He brought his head down while an embarrassed hum slipped out of his lips.

Mark giggled quietly.

Some time after, Jaebeom put away his laptop. He stared at the carpet on the floor, forehead scrunched.

“Mark ?” he let out in a breath.

Mark hummed, watching Jaebeom’s profile intently.

“Do you ever… feel, I don’t know… how can I say it ?” Jaebeom hesitated. “Lonely ?”

Mark furrowed his eyebrows.

“Lonely ? I don’t really know. It happens, I guess.” Mark answered sincerely.

He looked at Jaebeom. The latter’s face had turned gloomy all of a sudden. Mark scooted closer to him, feeling slightly confused.

“Do… you feel lonely ?” Mark questioned back, his voice gentle.

Jaebeom already felt the weight of oncoming tears constricting his throat.

“Sometimes.” he whispered. All the time.

Mark squeezed Jaebeom’s thigh in a comforting manner. He wasn’t that good with words.

Jaebeom could feel Mark’s concern, hanging in the air. Guilt immediately creeped up his spine, like poisonous thorns winding around his bones.

“It’s nothing. I was just wondering.” Jaebeom ended up saying.

Mark stayed quiet for a moment.

“It’s okay.” he eventually assured.

✻

Mark stepped forward in the corridor as he glanced at the walls. Some students were already waiting anxiously for their name to be called, reading their notes for the very last time.

He decided to protect himself from the general nervousness that tightened his chest in waves, leaning against a wall several meters away from his peers.

After an agonising wait, a cold male voice pronounced his name. Mark straightened up his back and went to the teacher who was waiting for him with a sheet in his fist. Mark bowed. He wanted to puke.

As expected, the whole exam turned out to be a contest of stares between him and the teacher. The teacher watching Mark, face contorted in a poorly hidden annoyance, Mark staring at the teacher and holding tightly his own hands together in his lap.

When Mark finally exited the room, he nearly ran on his way to the subway.

 ✻

This time, Jaebeom didn’t even cry. He didn’t cry because of a nightmare. He just kept his eyes strained on the ceiling, mind utterly blank and tired. He didn’t know if it was any better than wetting his pillow with desperate tears.

✻

Jaebeom was seeing Mark from the corners of his eyes, the latter sat comfortably on Jaebeom’s couch. Almost as if it belonged to him.

The blond was emanating a feeling that was dripping down Jaebeom’s spine like honey. It distracted him from the screen of his laptop. Mark moved. Jaebeom felt Mark’s hand settling on his thigh, gentle and non-dangerous. But it was like it was pinning Jaebeom down suddenly. He shifted his gaze on Mark with an abrupt gesture.

He saw Mark looking down at his lips. And back at the younger’s eyes. Something new reflecting into his eyes, something raw. Jaebeom felt small under this gaze. Mark’s tongue ran over his own lips in a flash of pink.

Within himself, too, something was changing. A burning heat arose low in Jaebeom’s stomach, melting with the nervousness. He realised he was frowning.

Mark’s gaze remained set on Jaebeom. The heat the younger was feeling in his stomach seemed to spread across the room.

“Can I kiss you ?” Mark blurted out quietly, the words falling like little stones on the floor.

Jaebeom hesitated, his brain and his heart a little lost. He ended up nodding.

Mark cupped Jaebeom’s cheeks, his fingers light against his skin. Closing his eyes, he pressed his lips against Jaebeom’s. The blond moved his lips slightly, testing the waters. Jaebeom felt like his heart was trying to escape from his chest. Eyes shut as well, he responded shyly to the kiss.

He tentatively placed his hands in the crease of Mark’s waist. Mark pulled himself closer to Jaebeom in response. He parted his lips, his tongue poking gently Jaebeom’s mouth.

Amongst the web of emotions tangled in his mind, Jaebeom understood what Mark was trying to do. He wanted it, even if he was trembling.

Jaebeom opened his mouth, inviting Mark’s tongue in. Mark let out a barely there moan and the still chaste kiss turned into an open-mouth one.

One of Mark’s hands settled on the back of Jaebeom’s neck, the other cradling his head. Jaebeom’s fingers tightened involuntarily around Mark’s waist, and it was like the room caught fire. Their breaths, their tongues, their lips intertwined as the heat arose a new want in Jaebeom.

Mark broke the kiss. He panted against Jaebeom’s flushed lips, but soon the older trailed a path down the boy’s chin, past his jaw, and down to reach the expanse of his neck.

Jaebeom’s breath was stuck in his throat, and Mark pressed his mouth on the skin of Jaebeom’s neck. He sucked lightly, Jaebeom shuddering beneath him. Mark relished in the feeling of Jaebeom, his warmth, his scent, his reactions. The blond began to tug a little on the younger’s strands, as if he wanted to feel the reality of Jaebeom against his own body.

Jaebeom felt Mark’s other hand, the one that wasn’t buried into his hair, gripping his left shoulder. Jaebeom wasn’t a stranger to arousal, but experiencing with Mark, who wanted him and who Jaebeom wanted, was entirely new. It created an overwhelming feeling in his guts that he was unable to name.

Mark kept on peppering hot kisses along the column of the other’s throat. Mark’s breath was hitting his skin, his hair brushing his chin. Jaebeom began to drag his hand up and down over Mark’s clothed back, his palms a bit sweaty and unsure.

Mark moved his head up to nibble at Jaebeom’s earlobe, licking it a little after. It elicited a deep sigh from Jaebeom, and Mark’s body shifted on the couch as he threw one thigh over Jaebeom’s lap. The younger’s heart skipped several beats.

Mark straddled him, barely rolling his hips, flushed with Jaebeom’s pelvis. They panted in each other mouths, their noses grazing against each other. Jaebeom felt Mark’s cock, hard, pressing against his own crotch. He tensed. A wave of… fear ? nervousness ? dread ? washed over him and his body just couldn’t move anymore. He was frozen, his heart beating uncomfortably hard in his chest.

It took almost no time for Mark to notice the sudden stiffness of the body underneath him. He hunched back to look at Jaebeom’s face.

Jaebeom avoided his gaze, his lips slightly quivering.

“What’s wrong ?” Mark asked in a breath.

Jaebeom bit his lower lip.

“It’s… a bit too much, I don’t… I can’t…” he babbled, panic rising.

Mark frowned but didn’t comment further. He got off the boy’s lap.

“I’m sorry.” Jaebeom whispered. His voice sounded broken.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Mark replied after a silence.

When he looked at Jaebeom again, the boy’s cheeks were wet, his face all scrunched up behind his fingers.

Mark stared at Jaebeom crying beside him. There was something deeply wrong, he didn’t know what it was, but he was left confused.

He draped with precaution an arm over Jaebeom’s shoulders as the other cried silently. He felt so sorry that some part of Jaebeom seemed to be broken inside. That it looked like he was trying to fix himself.

✻

The lecture was boring, even Jaebeom agreed. And Mark wasn’t here. He stared at the letters of his keyboard, grazing his nails over them.

As his mind wandered on his own, a little question popped up. A little question asking him what Mark and him were doing. Saying they were boyfriends didn’t sound quite right. The intimacy that they shared was something that Jaebeom had never let himself experience before.

Also, he didn’t know what Mark’s perspective on the matter was, if the elder even thought about this at all. They should talk about it, about them.

There were so many unknowns, but Jaebeom never really realised it until this instant.

 ✻

“Don’t you want to take a nap with me ?” Mark asked out of nowhere (he had this tendency, to talk out of nowhere) one day, while they were going to the subway. The heatless winter sun was high in the sky.

Jaebeom looked at him with an incredulous expression.

“I’m so sleepy... Let’s nap at my place ?” he insisted.

“Why would we nap together… ?”

“Because it’s nice.” Mark retorted bluntly. He even pouted a little.

Jaebeom’s eyes turned into thin crescents as he agreed with a quiet tone, even though his chest was already heating up.

Jaebeom couldn’t believe that he was lying next to Mark in the blond’s bed, moreover facing each other. And Mark wasn’t closing his eyes, the air so quiet around them.

After a moment, the elder rolled on his back. He seemed pensive.

“I’m so tired of uni.” he eventually started with a heavy sigh.

It made Jaebeom think of all the times when Mark didn’t attend the lectures.

“I mean, I stare at my notes, or more like your notes, and I cannot bring myself to learn them. I… I just can’t.” he continues, his gaze roaming over the white of the ceiling in unsteady patterns. Jaebeom didn’t interrupt Mark, because it felt like he was telling him something important and that he needed to tell.

“I won’t even graduate after this three years because I gave up. I have no idea of what I want to do in the future. If I can do anything, that is.” Mark’s voice sounded harsher now.

Jaebeom cleared his throat, a bit destabilized by the situation. Mark looked more carefree, usually.

“I don’t really know either, you know.” he settled for saying.

“But at least you’ll graduate. You’ll have something.”

Jaebeom remained silent, biting the inside of his mouth.

Mark turned back on his original position, brown eyes facing Jaebeom. He scooted a little closer.

“Anyway, let’s nap.” the blond breathed out, shutting his eyelids.

Jaebeom stared at the line of Mark’s shoulders, the tension on his face. In an unexpected urge to soothe Mark’s worries, he moved closer as well. Hesitantly, he put an arm over the other’s upper body. Mark opened in eyes as soon as Jaebeom’s hand came in contact with his back, surprise in them. Jaebeom dropped his gaze on the mattress.

Soon after Mark’s initial amazement, he pressed himself against Jaebeom. The younger’s cheeks were on fire. Mark smiled at that and rested his head under Jaebeom’s chin, sliding an arm over his waist. He let out a satisfied sigh.

Jaebeom wasn’t used to this, to the gentle breath hitting his skin, to the warm touches. But it created a happy warmth inside that he had never felt before, a feeling that warmed his heart and his bones. A feeling he wanted more of but was still afraid of.

He fell asleep with Mark in his arms, the blond’s soft snoring sounding like a lullaby.

✻

Jaebeom had heard a lot of people saying that they felt incomplete without their loved one. It had seemed like a bit of an overstatement then.

But now, in his apartment still drowned in darkness, without Mark, Jaebeom felt like he got it. The realization made his heart drop inside, in an odd but not unpleasant way.

  ✻

When Jaebeom spotted Mark in the park after the latter had texted him, there was the same fluttering in his belly again.

The sky was filled with a deep grey that made the green of the trees, the grass, the leaves stand out unnaturally, the colours of nature looking oversaturated.

Mark was sitting on a bench, elbows resting on his knees. He looked mysterious, like this. He turned his head towards Jaebeom, his eyes settling on him as Jaebeom walked towards him. Jaebeom’s steps lost some confidence under Mark’s gaze.

“Hey.” Jaebeom said when he reached the bench Mark was sat on.

“Hey.” Mark greeted back, throwing a smile.

Jaebeom didn’t know why Mark had asked him to join him. So he just stood here, his arms slacked awkwardly at his sides. Mark looked up at Jaebeom.

“Can we stay here a little ? I just wanted to be with you.” he explained bluntly.

Jaebeom drifted his gaze on the ground and repressed a coy smile.

“Sure.” Jaebeom agreed, voice small.

He sat on the bench beside Mark, keeping some distance between their bodies. But not too much.

Jaebeom fumbled with his hands, he hesitated about where to put them. He ended up placing them on his thighs, nearly gripping the flesh.

Mark was silent. It was a reoccurrence, but right now it had Jaebeom feeling everything and nothing. It heaped up in his guts. He didn’t know. The sky has turned darker.

He saw Mark leaning back too, closing his eyes and throwing his head backward, a sigh leaving his mouth. Jaebeom’s gaze was immediately attracted to the blond’s neck, his Adam’s apple jutting out underneath the pale skin.

A drop fell on Jaebeom’s cheek. He blinked and felt another one dropping on his scalp. Soon, the rain was pouring, the clouds letting their tears fall in a steady rhythm. Mark didn’t move.

It didn’t take long before they were soaked from head to toe. There wasn’t anyone in the park anymore. Mark didn’t open his eyes, as if he enjoyed getting drenched. Or as if he didn’t care.

Mark’s hair was sticking on his forehead, droplets were running down his cheekbones, his neck and perhaps the rain solicited some sort of courage in Jaebeom, because he blurted out :

“I like you.”

Mark opened his eyes, setting their focus on Jaebeom. Like the younger, he had to squint because of the rain.

“I like you too.” Mark returned, without much hesitation, his gaze warm even if his eyes were barely opened.

It reminded Jaebeom of the moment when Mark had said these exact same words, after they met. Without doubt either. But for Jaebeom, the words tangled up in his heart, instead of covering it softly like powdered sugar on a pastry.

   ✻

Mark’s eyes were strained on the computer screen, right hand tightly gripping the mouse and brain focused.

There was a knock on the door and Jackson’s face appeared through the half-open door.

“Hey, I’m going to make ramyeon, you want some ?” he offered.

Mark hummed in agreement, distracting a little his attention from the screen. But not for long as Jackson disappeared quickly in the kitchen.

Mark blew on the warm noodles trapped between his chopsticks, before taking a mouthful of them. In front of him, across the coffee table, Jackson was chewing with determination.

“I noticed you got pretty close to Jaebeom. You go to his place often. I’m almost jealous.” he spoke out right after swallowing the food.

Mark looked up with an interrogative gaze.

“I’m kidding.” the younger chuckled. “I mean, it was pretty quick.” he elaborated. “But it’s cool.”

“We get along well.” Mark agreed.

Jackson shifted on the ground, unfolding his legs in a more comfortable position.

“It’s good tho. Jaebeom, can be, like… a bit withdrawn, you know ? He’s not cold, but he doesn’t approach people easily. I’ve known him for several years now, and I noticed that.” Jackson explained. He frowned. “I feel like there’re things that worry him, but he doesn’t talk about them.”

Mark nodded. He slurped some of the soup from the noodles before putting down his bowl.

“We don’t talk a lot.” Mark shrugged.

“Why it doesn’t surprise me ?” Jackson sighed.

“Sometimes not saying anything is enough. There’re people who need time before telling serious stuff.” the older pointed out. He brought the bowl to his lips again and proceeded to empty the remaining of the soup.

“I guess so.” Jackson surrendered.

He resumed eating his meal. However, the silence didn’t last long. Jackson lifted his head and stared at Mark suspiciously.

“So, between you and Jaebeom, it’s nothing more than getting along well  ?”

“Why do you ask so many questions ?” Mark complained half-heartedly, frowning. In fact, he was quite impressed that Jackson already figured out that his relationship with Jaebeom could be more than a platonic friendship.

“I’m just wondering.” Jackson justified.

“We’re friends.” Mark reasserted. Without surprise, the words sounded wrong to his ears and flayed his throat. But Jackson used to talk too much and Mark was unwilling to break his and Jaebeom’s little bubble for now.

Jackson didn’t look entirely convinced, but he gave up chasing information.

   ✻

Mark dropped his phone on his lap, his eyes focusing on Jaebeom’s profile. The younger had fallen asleep on his own couch after he and Mark arrived. He had sat there and drifted off almost instantly. It has been a little while already.

The blond was resting his back on one of the armrests, legs folded in front of him towards his chest ; if he moved his feet forward a little, they would reach Jaebeom’s thigh.

Jaebeom’s eyes moved underneath his closed eyelids, his breath becoming more uneven. He finally cracked his eyes open and Mark watched as Jaebeom awakened slowly. He blinked several times before his gaze fell on Mark.

“Ah, I’ve fallen asleep.” Jaebeom mumbled.

Mark smiled fondly. Jaebeom’s mouth outlined a smile too, in response. He straightened his back away from the couch and rubbed the slumber off his eyes with his knuckles.

“What time is it actually ?” he asked then, his eyes looking for his phone.

Mark checked his own phone.

“It’s 5pm, you only napped for 45 minutes or so.” Mark informed him.

Jaebeom let out a reassured sigh. He didn’t make any move to get away from the sofa yet, so neither did Mark. They stayed in a contemplative silence for a little while. But question began to nag at Mark’s mind.

“Have you truly never had any girlfriend before ? Or boyfriend ?” he asked, hoping his tone came out as curious and not disdainful.

Jaebeom’s jaw tensed briefly.

“Actually…” he started, his hands grabbing his knees nervously, “I had a girlfriend. When I was 13. Although it didn’t really feel like one at all.” he admitted as he looked down at his lap. “I don’t know why I accepted to be her boyfriend, I didn’t even like her. Otherwise, I’ve… never been in any relationship.” he breathed out bitterly.

Mark bit his lips. Jaebeom was usually more reserved about his feelings. He inhaled deeper some air.

“I had two sort of boyfriends in high school. Nothing serious though.” Mark decided to tell Jaebeom.

The latter set his eyes on the blond, eyebrows slightly raised.

“During the first year of uni, I was in a relationship, but a serious one.” Mark kept on. “His name was Seongji. We stayed together for a year.” He paused. “I didn’t have a boyfriend after him. I fooled around a little, occasionally.”

Jaebeom nodded in what seemed like understanding. But he also frowned a little.

“Is there a reason why you’ve never been in a real relationship ?” Mark wondered, careful to keep his voice soft.

Jaebeom brought a hand up to scratch at his eyebrow. He rubbed his toes on the carpet.

“I… I don’t know. It never showed up somehow.” He got silent and nibbled the inside of his mouth. “I had a crush on a guy in high school — Jinyoung. But I’d never dared to approach him. And I never saw him again.” he confessed. He fidgeted his fingers, scraping the skin around his nails. “I guess… I’m just scared. I don’t know. It’s difficult.” Jaebeom’s voice was barely a whisper now.

Mark felt something tugging at his chest. Jaebeom talking about this openly was a first. Silence fell upon them.

“Do you want to try with me ?” Mark suddenly blurted out.

Jaebeom looked at Mark dumbly. “What ?”

“To be in a relationship. Boyfriends.” Mark clarified, his voice quieter. He licked his lips.

Jaebeom stared at him with wide eyes and agape, bewildered.

Mark chuckled, but it sounded shaky. “I mean, I know it’s a bit sudden but I like you a lot, and I feel like it’s not just me ? And if you’re scared, hum, we don’t need to be official or anything, it can stay between you and me first, it’s… without any pressure ? We can take it slow. As slow as you need.” he rambled. And cursed himself for being so weird.

Jaebeom still displayed a stunned face, looking like a million of thoughts swirled in his mind. Mark started to regret having spoken in the first place as the quietness settled once more.

“I… okay ?” Jaebeom mumbled eventually. It kinda came out as a question.

It was Mark’s turn to be rather astonished. He ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t feel like you can’t say no, it’s fine if you’re not up for it, if you don’t like me like that, I was just… asking.” he sounded so messy. “And as I said, I like you.” he added clumsily.

“No, really, I… it’s not one-sided. What you feel.” Jaebeom assured meekly. “And we already…, you know, so…”

“You’re right.” Mark breathed. We kissed.

Jaebeom forcefully planted his elbows on his own lap, his head falling into his hands with a profound sigh. Mark quickly scooted closer, bracing an arm around Jaebeom’s shoulders.

“It’s just scary… I’m sorry for being like this.” the younger murmured, vulnerability bubbling at the surface of his skin.

“Don’t be.” Mark dismissed.

He squeezed gently Jaebeom’s right shoulder in a repetitive gesture. Jaebeom finally removed his face from his hands to let them hanging between his legs. Mark fought the urge to kiss the younger’s forehead, cautious not to cross any boundaries.

Chapter Text

The next time Jaebeom saw Mark was two days later, on a chilly Monday morning at university. Well, he almost didn’t spot him in the amphitheatre, since there was no blond hair to look for in the crowd anymore.

“Oh, you dyed your hair ?” Jaebeom commented, sitting beside Mark, whose hair was now a dark brown.

“Yeah. I grew tired of having blond hair.” He held a strand of his new-coloured hair between his fingers. “You don’t like it ?” he asked, looking a little expectant.

“No, no I like it.” Jaebeom hurried to clarify. “It looks good.”

Putting their things back in their bags after the lecture ended, Mark asked :

“Do you want to go for coffee somewhere ?”

“I have another lecture right now, so…” Jaebeom answered. “It’s 2 hours long, but after that I’m free ?” he added, adjusting his backpack over one shoulder.

“Oh, okay.” Mark paused, darting out his tongue to wet his lips. “Where is it ?”

“In the amphitheatre just down the corridor, number 107.” Jaebeom replied, sounding slightly confused and gesturing vaguely towards the end of the corridor.

“Then I’m gonna be there when the lecture is over, so we can go to the coffee shop together ?” Mark offered, his tone a little unsure, but determined.

“Oh, sure, okay.” Jaebeom agreed, a look of surprise in his eyes.

Mark reached out for Jaebeom’s shoulder, softly squeezing the muscles and flesh over the thick jacket, and it made things plummeting in Jaebeom’s belly, but in a good, warm way.

“You’re gonna end up late.” Mark noted, removing his hand and stuffing it in the pocket of his jacket.

“Oh. You’re right.” Jaebeom realised, wishing he could leave with Mark already. “So, I’m going then. See you later.” he awkwardly placed a hand on Mark’s arm, only for a couple of seconds.

“Yeah, see you.” Mark replied with a smile before they both parted ways, Mark watching Jaebeom’s back until he disappeared in the room.

Jaebeom was sipping on a mint chocolate chip milkshake while Mark was busy blowing on his latte. The coffee shop was calm, and they had managed to find a table that provided some intimacy.

“I’ve never been here before, even if it’s close to uni. It’s nice.” Jaebeom commented, looking around lazily.

Mark took a cautious sip of his hot coffee.

“Honestly, I’ve only been here several times, I mean, I don’t really like staying close to the campus.” Mark explained, his face darkening slightly at the end.

A somewhat awkward silence filled up the space between them, Jaebeom looking for something to say.

“It’s… still difficult ?” he settled on saying, not sure it was the right thing to say, aware it wasn’t a pleasant topic.

Mark stared at his hand wrapped around his cup of coffee, a small sigh leaving his mouth.

“Uni ? Yeah.” He shrugged, his fingers clutching the cup. “It’s still meaningless. I’m still failing.”

Jaebeom bit his lower lip, feeling quite helpless. “Maybe… you could consider changing your field of study next year ? Studying something else ?” he suggested eventually.

Mark glanced at him with wavering eyes, the dark cloud hovering over his gaze lightening up a little. “Actually,” he took another sip, “I’ve been looking on the internet, for other options.” he explained, sounding a bit ashamed somehow. “Just a little, though.”

“That’s nice !” Jaebeom smiled, wanting to show Mark his support. “I mean, there’s no shame in changing. I think it’s better to change than to keep on doing something that doesn’t interest you anymore.” he assured.

“I guess so.” Mark breathed out, looking down at his drink, but it wasn’t very convincing.

Seeing Mark looking so downcast, seemingly lost, it made Jaebeom want to help him, or at least to show him that he would be there, like Mark had been countless times for him before.

“You’ll find something. I’m sure of it.” Jaebeom insisted, putting a hand on Mark’s forearm, an I’m here implied. He felt like he saw some sort of relief passing through Mark’s features, almost like a sliver of hope rekindling.

They remained silent after that, each one drinking their beverages.

“Sorry,” Mark broke the quietness, laughing humourlessly, “I was the one asking you to come here, but I kinda ruined the mood.”

“Don’t say that.” Jaebeom dismissed gently, reaching out again for Mark’s forearm.

✻

They decided to go to Jaebeom’s apartment after class, like they did for the past few months. Jaebeom being particularly busy with his classes, they couldn’t meet as much this week, sticking to meetings at university. They finally had time on Friday evening to spend time together, just the two of them, and Mark had been vocal about how they shouldn’t waste it.

Jaebeom opened his front door, Mark following him closely, the heat inside welcoming them. Jaebeom removed his thick jacket before putting it over a chair, Mark imitating him even if he was still a bit cold, only a little. He caught himself staring at Jaebeom as they remained frozen near the couch, a weird and electric energy burgeoning in the space between them.

“What ?” Jaebeom breathed, almost silently, his gaze slightly unsteady.

Instead of answering, Mark pressed his lips against his, the kiss all languid and sweet even if slightly open-mouthed. When he broke the kiss, Mark looked intently at Jaebeom, a wordless question hanging in the air, and this time Jaebeom initiated the meeting of their lips, some hesitation on the edges. They started off half-sweet, half-passionate, but soon it turned into a make-out session that left them breathless, Mark’s hands gently gripping Jaebeom’s nape and Jaebeom’s fingers clutching Mark’s shoulders. They stopped kissing after a little while, panting softly into each other’s mouth.

“... the bedroom ?” Mark asked in a whisper.

Jaebeom nodded shakily in response, Mark grabbing Jaebeom’s hand to lead him to the bedroom. Even if he lived alone, Jaebeom closed the door as Mark sat on the bed, waiting for him. Jaebeom sat beside him, a mix of nervousness and arousal swimming in his blood. Somehow, Mark sensed the nervousness emanating from Jaebeom, the tension. He tried not to make the kiss too frantic when they began kissing again, steady and wet, Mark cupping Jaebeom’s jaw.

They ended up lying down on the sheets, Mark being instigating the movement and Jaebeom following him. Facing each other, Mark began to pepper little pecks all over Jaebeom’s throat, making Jaebeom sigh softly and tightening his hold on Mark’s clothed upper back. He carefully slotted one thigh between Jaebeom’s legs, against his crotch, and Jaebeom’s breath stuttered, his body tensing in Mark’s embrace.

“Is this okay ?” Mark murmured, his cheeks flushed but his touch gentle.

Jaebeom took a deep breath, intending to calm his nerves while his heart beat frantically under his ribcage. “Yes.” he breathed out. “Just— can we… take it slow ?” he added, feeling insecure. Perhaps Mark wouldn’t like that, perhaps he would prefer taking it fast and rough.

But Mark nodded, his hand coming up to brush Jaebeom’s hair out of his forehead, before planting a kiss here. “Of course.”

Jaebeom felt tears filling up his eyes so, before Mark could notice, he crashed his lips against his. Mark gasped softly in response, his hands finding their place on Jaebeom’s waist. They shared a few open-mouthed kisses, Mark’s hands never going past Jaebeom lower back, ever so careful.

“Can I… ?” Mark questioned, holding the hem of Jaebeom’s sweater.

Jaebeom shook his head, giving permission, and Mark sat up a little before pulling the fabric up Jaebeom’s stomach with such a gentleness, it had Jaebeom’s heart swell in his chest. Once Mark managed to get Jaebeom out of his sweater, leaving his chest bare, he proceeded to remove his own sweater. Jaebeom couldn’t help but stare at Mark’s torso, at the smoothness of his skin, at his pretty nipples, his small frame. Mark giggled softly under Jaebeom’s gaze and Jaebeom couldn’t fight the smile appearing on his face. Mark leaned down to kiss Jaebeom again, cradling Jaebeom’s face, before peppering kisses down his neck once again.

He moved slowly a leg over Jaebeom's thighs, aiming to show Jaebeom his intentions and to give him time to react, but Jaebeom welcomed the weight of Mark straddling his lap. There was no panic crawling in his stomach, only the heat of a pleasant fire.

“You’re so beautiful.” Mark whispered, running light fingers against Jaebeom’s collarbones, and Jaebeom felt his cheeks heat up at the compliment.

The feeling of Mark’s skin against his own made him shiver. He allowed his hands to wander over the slender expanse Mark’s back, eliciting small sighs from him as he pushed his face into the crook of Jaebeom’s neck.

Jaebeom hadn’t realised it until now, but his cock was well on the way to filling up, which mustn’t have gone unnoticed by Mark even if he didn’t give any indications in this regard.

Mark nibbled slightly at Jaebeom’s skin, his hips starting to grind mindlessly against Jaebeom’s crotch, barely so. In a breath, Jaebeom tensed up against his will, like the last time, and alongside the mild panic it made frustration rise in his throat.

Mark stopped his movements, raising his head to meet Jaebeom’s eyes. “You’ alright ?” he asked quietly, his voice betraying his concern anyway.

“I don’t want to stop.” Jaebeom breathed. He would be lying if he said that fear wasn’t parasitising his brain right now, but he desired Mark just as much — if not more. He wanted to make Mark feel good and to feel good with him. Because of him.

“We won’t.” Mark assured.

“Can we…” Jaebeom started, pink colouring his cheeks.

“Yeah ?” Mark tilted his head, all cute and attentive. Even amidst the underlying panic, Jaebeom grew weak at the sight.

“… can we change position ?” he finished, a little too rushed and a little too quiet.

Mark shook his head in agreement, sitting up. “You want to get on top of me ?” Jaebeom nodded shakily, letting Mark maneuver him gently into the new position, without any rush.

Jaebeom was now the one straddling Mark’s thighs, his hands landing on Mark’s shoulders. To his relief, he felt some of the panic melting away. Mark was even prettier like this, under him and gazing at him with those lovely eyes. He thumbed at Jaebeom’s cheeks before pulling him down into a kiss so sweet, Jaebeom stopped thinking.

“Grind on me, go ahead. I got you.” Mark murmured against Jaebeom’s lips, his arms encircling Jaebeom’s back. Jaebeom whimpered airily in response, sounding like he hadn’t meant to make this sound.

With shaky limbs, Jaebeom scooted up a little, aligning their crotches, before he gave an experimental roll of his hips. He could feel clearly the hard outline of Mark’s cock against his, but it didn’t scare him as much. He was the one controlling the pace, adjusting the pressure, and Mark was helping him through it without an ounce of dominance.

The friction made Jaebeom shut his eyes as he grinded against Mark once again, causing him to groan lowly in his ear. He dug his fingers into Jaebeom’s lower back, encouraging him to continue shifting his hips. They moved like that for a while, panting and rutting against each other, getting lost in the sensations, sweet and spice blending together.

“I— Jaebeom.” Mark began, letting out a harsh exhale, “I wanna suck you off.” he said, his cheeks and neck flushed pink. “Let me… let me take care of you.” he whispered, cradling Jaebeom’s face and leaving a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

Jaebeom felt an overwhelming amount of emotions filling up his chest as his throat tightened, his eyes threatening to spill tears once again. “Yes.” he agreed, so quietly Mark almost didn’t catch it.

Jaebeom sat up, his knees weak but Mark was quick to gesture for him to sit against the headboard. Mark started by leaving small kisses down Jaebeom’s chest, relishing the way the muscles tensed under his hungry mouth. He lifted his head when he reached the hem of Jaebeom’s pants, a silent question in his eyes. Jaebeom gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, giving a nod. Mark undid the button and pulled down the zipper, revealing the delightful outline of a hard cock straining the fabric of his underwear. He traced it with a finger, making Jaebeom release a breathy gasp.

Mark leaned down and mouthed at the swollen flesh over the fabric, pressing little pecks along the outline. His hand found Jaebeom’s and he held it tight, looking up at Jaebeom, whose cheeks were all pink and whose eyes dripped with unsaid emotions. Mark smiled slightly, tugging Jaebeom's boxer-briefs down, even if he had to let go of Jaebeom’s hand to slide the fabric down his legs and throw it on the ground. As soon as he returned to his position between Jaebeom’s legs, he took his hand again, Jaebeom squeezing hard as his cock was freed from its restraints.

Mark licked his lips, seemingly unconsciously, at the sight of Jaebeom’s flushed, hard cock begging for attention. He pressed a chaste kiss on the glistening head, before leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses down the shaft. Jaebeom squeezed his hand in response, Mark rubbing his thumb against his knuckles. He lapped the head, the taste of skin and precum beginning to fill his mouth already, before sliding Jaebeom’s cock down in his mouth. Jaebeom made a stifled gasp at the heat enveloping his aching cock, and Mark wanted nothing more than hearing more of this sound, more of Jaebeom coming undone below him.

Mark backed away, pressing his tongue against the underside of Jaebeom’s cock. He gathered some spit in his mouth to make the glide easier when he took Jaebeom in his mouth again, the fingers that weren't intertwined with Jaebeom's wrapping around the base of the shaft. Jaebeom whimpered above him, trying to keep his hips still but failing a little.

He bobbed his head up and down into Jaebeom’s cock, his hand held so tightly it almost hurt, but Mark didn’t care at all, keeping on swallowing the hard flesh down, hollowing his cheeks and making obscene sounds. All Jaebeom could do was panting and groaning quietly as he tried not to come too quickly.

“Ma— Mark.” Jaebeom choked out, patting Mark’s shoulder urgently. Mark let go of Jaebeom’s cock, raising his head to meet Jaebeom’s eyes. “I was about… I was about to come.” he explained in a breath, his grip on Mark’s hand relaxing slightly. Mark’s lips were shining with a mix of spit and precum, but he didn’t hesitate to dart his tongue out to lick it off. Jaebeom’s gaze followed the movement mindlessly, the arousal burning hot in the pit of his stomach.

“And that’s a bad thing ?” Mark giggled playfully, stroking Jaebeom’s thigh up and down.

Jaebeom blushed, huffing a little. “No, but. I want to make you feel good too.”

Mark hummed, his eyes no longer having a gleeful glint to them, but rather a depth, a frighteningly genuine fondness that made Jaebeom’s stomach tighten up and swirl at the same time.

Jaebeom sat up, reaching out for Mark’s crotch, cupping the obvious bulge under his sweatpants, petting it. He hooked his fingers over the waistbands of both Mark’s pants and underwear to pull them down slowly, letting them rest around his thighs. Mark’s cock sprang free, bobbing a little, fully hard and stained an enticing shade of pink. It was longer than Jaebeom’s own cock, but more on the thinner side, matching Mark’s slender body frame oddly well. Even though Jaebeom happened to own a penis himself, he couldn’t deny he was a little intimated, hesitant.

“I’ve never…” he mumbled, staring at Mark’s cock.

Mark just scooted closer, taking with delicacy Jaebeom’s trembling hand in his own, guiding it towards his flushed cock. He pressed Jaebeom’s palm against the head, a barely-heard moan leaving his lips at the contact.

“Just do what you would do with yours.” Mark advised, wrapping Jaebeom’s fingers around the shaft, his hand still covering Jaebeom’s. “It’s not that different.”

Mark removed his hand, letting Jaebeom move as he wished. Jaebeom gave the swollen flesh a light tug, his fingers still quivering a little, but it was enough for Mark to moan again. He repeated the motion several times, watching the slit glisten each time his hand went up Mark’s cock. The delightful pull of arousal in his lower belly grew sharper at the sight, as did the will to give Mark more than this.

“Can I try ? With my mouth ?” Jaebeom offered, instantly feeling stupid to ask for permission, considering the fact that his hand was still working on Mark’s cock.

Mark bit his lips, repressing an affectionate laugh. “I gladly accept.”

Jaebeom swatted lightly Mark’s hip in retaliation, Mark lips stretching in a grin. They switched positions after Mark took off his sweatpants properly. His face now right in front of Mark’s cock, Jaebeom tried to remember what Mark did to him, how he started. So he took the base in his hand before licking coyly at the head, the taste of precum settling at the tip of his tongue, salty and slightly bitter. Not the best savour, but not horribly bad either, just a little unusual for him. Mark’s hand came to rest on the side of his face as an encouragement.

A little more confident now, Jaebeom let his tongue run boldly along the shaft, earning a deep sigh from Mark, the cock under his tongue twitching slightly. He parted his lips above the slit to wrap them around the flushed head before sliding down softy. Mark moaned shamelessly in response, a little too loud, one of his legs bending, and it sent a shiver down Jaebeom’s spine, his thoughts going quiet under his skull.

Mark stroked Jaebeom’s dark locks as he began to bob his head up and down, some spit gathering at the edge of his mouth.

“You look so good.” Mark commented, his voice only a whisper. “Look at me.” he demanded gently, without meaning to make it sound like an order. He just really wanted to see Jaebeom stare up at him with his pretty, pink lips around his cock.

Jaebeom hummed quietly, his mouth still full of Mark’s cock. Like Mark asked, he tried his best to look up at him, who kept on caressing his hair. When their eyes met, Jaebeom felt his own cock throb even more, leaking more precum on the mattress, Mark’s cock shuddering in his mouth like an answer.

Doing his best to keep his gaze focused on Mark, Jaebeom pulled off his cock to take a breath, the glide of his hand replacing his mouth in the meantime. He was about to swallow Mark down again when fingers on his chin beckoned him to stop. Mark pulled Jaebeom up in a bruising, panting union of lips, their cocks pressed together as Jaebeom hovered over Mark. Jaebeom couldn’t express all the emotions he felt, even if he tried ; a mess of affection, arousal and a billion other things he wasn’t able to name.

He let out what sounded like a bitten-off sob when Mark wrapped his fingers around both of their cocks, squeezing them together a little. His other hand travelled slowly down Jaebeom’s spine to come to a halt on his ass, making Jaebeom tense suddenly, his body automatically backing away. Mark dragged his hand up immediately. “I’m sorry, Jaebeom, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I didn’t mean to— it’s okay, I swear.” he sighed, frustration building up again. “I was just surprised.” he assured, even if he felt like Mark could detect the lie in his eyes.

Mark stared at Jaebeom, his eyebrows pulled in a frown, his grip on their cocks starting to weaken. “We can stop,” the hand on Jaebeom’s back moved to his shoulder, “if you want.”

“No, no.” Jaebeom shook his head. “I don’t want to.”

“You’re sure ?” Mark questioned.

Jaebeom nodded, some weird desperation spreading in his chest alongside the mild, unwanted panic. “Please.” he exhaled, glancing down at their cocks. They had softened a little because of the interruption.

Mark curled a hand against Jaebeom’s ear and pressed his lips against his, chaste and sweet, working his hand around their shafts again and feeling both of them fattening at the renewed friction. Jaebeom’s face fell into the hollow of Mark’s neck, Mark’s hand which was against Jaebeom’s ear settling on the back of his head.

“Hey.” Mark murmured in his ear, his hips beginning to rut against Jaebeom’s cock. “Thrust into my hand too.” Jaebeom whined softly at this, his hips mirroring Mark’s, making his aching cock drag up and down Mark’s shaft. The slide was a little too dry, but Jaebeom couldn’t care less, not with Mark underneath him, around him, caring for him.

They kept on grinding against each other for a while, Jaebeom alternating between half-sobs and airy whines, Mark moaning or groaning low in his throat, still holding Jaebeom’s head tightly, never letting go of their cocks. Mark’s moans turned sharper as his hips fell out of rhythm, before he tensed and released a loud groan, the glide becoming a little wet with the cum dripping down his shaft. Even as he came down from his orgasm, the sensations on his softening cock tipping towards oversensitivity, Mark didn’t remove his hand around their cocks, letting Jaebeom chase his own release.

Jaebeom was panting against his neck, a shivering mess of arousal and need for relief as he kept on grinding. Mark’s hand slid down to Jaebeom’s nape, squeezing softly. “Come on, let go.” he breathed against Jaebeom’s temples, and Jaebeom clung to his shoulder, his hips going still as he let out a sobbing whimper, coming over Mark’s stomach and hand.

Wordlessly, Mark stroked Jaebeom’s hair with his clean fingers, allowing a peaceful silence to stretch between them as they both caught their breath. Jaebeom lifted his head, his eyes wet when they met Mark’s gaze. He pressed his lips on Jaebeom’s cheek as he put his soiled hand along his side, resting on the mattress.

Mark stared at him, his eyes glistening with so much affection, Jaebeom wasn’t sure what to do with it. He averted his gaze, his hand coming down to hold Mark’s. “There’s— ” Mark tried to warn him, but his brain registered it too late, the cum covering Mark’s fingers getting smeared over his hand already.

“I don’t care.” Jaebeom mumbled, pouting a little. It made Mark smile.

“You’re right.” Mark laughed soundlessly, his fingers still running through Jaebeom’s dark strands. No more needed to be said.

✻

From where he was sitting in the library, Jaebeom saw Jackson walking down the aisle. He dropped on the chair facing Jaebeom, looking all jolly, and stared at him, some weird blend of fondness and knowing look displayed in his eyes.

“I was right then.” Jackson eventually chuckled, leaning forward a little. “You and Mark are more than friends.”

Jaebeom huffed, his lips stretching in a smile anyway. Perhaps they haven’t been so subtle. After all, Jackson was literally living with Mark and he was also Jaebeom’s closest friend. Not to mention that Mark going to Jaebeom’s apartment almost every day surely had been a solid hint indicating their blossoming relationship.

Jaebeom shrugged, silent, but he couldn’t repress one corner of his mouth stretching in a little smirk.

✻

The clock on the wall only indicated 3pm. Since it was Saturday, they were spending the day together, or at least most of it. Mark was almost dozing off on Jaebeom’s couch while the movie ended, something light-hearted and devoid of any complexity. Jaebeom turned off the television before the credits stopped rolling the screen, causing Mark to emerge a little from his drowsiness.

“I have something to tell you.” Jaebeom spoke up suddenly, his voice so small, so unsure that despite his sleepy state, Mark felt his heart fold on itself as he looked at Jaebeom.

Jaebeom stared back at him, seeming to gather all the courage he could, before he cleared his throat. “It’s—  I’ve never told anyone, but… I feel like you deserve to know ?” He let out an impossibly deep sigh, scratching the back of his neck in some kind of nervous gesture. Mark was starting to get a little scared, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Something happened five years ago.” he stated before closing his eyes shut, as if the memory of it was too overwhelming. “Someone… abused me.” he breathed out, his voice on the verge of breaking. His hands closed into tight fists, nails digging in his palm.

“Abused ? How ?” Mark asked so softly, almost murmuring, not trying to hide his worry at all. It made Jaebeom’s eyes glisten with unshed tears. He remained silent for several beats, the words all jumbled at the tip of his tongue as Mark looked more and more alarmed.

“I— ” he choked on the word, the tears finally spilling out, beginning to drench his cheeks, “I was r— raped.” he sobbed, the acknowledgement painful, tearing his chest apart, but liberating all the same, like an immense weight was lifted off his shoulders.

He managed to glance at Mark, even if the tears made the sight blurry. His eyes were wide, confusion and shock etched on his face, and suddenly the fear of being abandoned slapped him in the face, Mark would fall out of love with him, maybe he would even find all of this repulsive, disgusting, shameful, he would tell Jaebeom he couldn’t stay—

But all Mark did was crashing into him, holding Jaebeom in the tightest hug ever as relief washed over him, causing even more tears to fall down his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, oh my god, if only you knew.” Mark babbled in his shoulder before leaning back a little to get a view of Jaebeom, his eyes watering. “When… ?”

“I was 17.” Jaebeom answered, hiccupping like a new-born.

Some pieces of the puzzle were put together in Mark’s brain, and now Jaebeom’s behaviour seemed so obvious, he wondered how he hadn’t managed to figure out the reality. “That’s why, the nightmares,” he cradled Jaebeom’s face, his thumbs brushing over his cheekbones, “and when we...” he didn’t finish, but Jaebeom understood.

“Yeah.” Jaebeom breathed, the tears not stopping, washing away so many hidden, repressed feelings he had forgotten.

Mark remembered a detail. “Even the eczema ?” he questioned, pushing some of Jaebeom’s strands out of his forehead.

Jaebeom nodded shakily in response. “ ‘not sure, but… it started to happen since then.”

“I’m here now.” Mark assured. “I’m not saying I know how to deal with all of this, but I’m here.” He buried his face in the crook of Jaebeom’s neck again. “I’m here.” he repeated, because it was important that Jaebeom knew, that he was sure of it — he wasn’t alone anymore.