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Chapter Text

Jeon Jeongguk is very proud to say that he loves his hyungs very much, thanks, and that's awesome. Jin-hyung likes to joke that I raised you, kiddo, and Namjoon-hyung is pretty much the coolest person on Earth, and Yoongi likes to pretend that he's all hard when he is, in fact, a marshmallow that coos when Jeongguk does anything remotely cute.

(As though he himself isn't, like, the cutest thing ever. Whatever.)

So when he comes across Yoongi napping in the lounge, curled up on the sofa with a quilted blanket over his shoulders and his mouth open and his eyes closed and his eyeliner smudged all down his cheeks, he's pretty sure it's normal to think that's cute. Adorable. Yeah, he's got a cute hyung, that's normal and, stuff, and like, yeah, and, yeah -

Yoongi shifts around and mumbles something into his fist. "Mffhfhf."

Jeongguk turns pink, even though there's nobody around for him to be embarrassed about, and then he turns on his heel and bolts into his bedroom and closes the door (quietly) with as much finality as he can muster.



Okay, Jeongguk has a problem, and he can pinpoint the day it happened, too.

See, Yoongi is a pretty sort of a guy, anyway - they're in an industry where any sort of natural beauty is emphasised, and so Yoongi's little fey features are picked upon and highlighted and Yoongi ends up all wrapped in furs or in big hoodies or whatever, point is, he's like - yeah, he's cute.

And there's one day. They're shooting for a music video. Early 2013, right after debut, shooting for N.O., and Jeongguk was getting his makeup done and trying to look about five years older than he actually was, and Yoongi was having his hair pulled back into a little bundle, and he was whining about the weight of the faux-gold chains around his neck as he played with the fur ends of his jacket. And it had been cute. Yoongi had an even stronger accent back then, which made his voice all slurry and his tongue got caught between his teeth sometimes and he was really cute, and what he'd done was turn around and smile and say "Jeongguk-ah, you look older than hyung!" And -

And then Jeongguk had a problem.

It's only got worse as he's got older. Sometimes he thinks about Yoongi when he -

Like, y'know. He doesn't mean to. He has a lurker account on Twitter and he follows a bunch of accounts that tweet softcore sort of stuff, because he doesn't think he has the guts to go on the sites that he sees Taehyung has bookmarked (and gross, hyung) and sometimes he sees - like, something, and it looks a little like Yoongi, and he thinks about Yoongi and then he feels really gross and he cries. A bit. Sometimes.

A problem.



Jeongguk usually goes to Yoongi when he has problems, but not about this one. And it's manageable, anyway, and totally fine, and he has this all under control and nothing bad is going to happen and he's totally chill about it and, like, cool, and it's all good -

"Morning, Jeongguk-ah," Yoongi says sleepily. His eyes are all stuck shut with tiredness, and his cheeks are marked where he must have slept funny against the duvet, and he's got a stronger accent than normal.

"Morning," Jeongguk says; he's the only one around, because it's a day off and Hoseok is out seeing his sister and Jimin is playing Mario Kart with Taehyung and Namjoon is - off being Namjoon somewhere - and Jin-hyung is attending class in person, a rare occasion for him. That leaves Jeongguk and Yoongi.

"What're you gonna do today?" Yoongi mumbles, leaning over the toaster for support; he's wearing a big t-shirt that looks like it might be Jin-hyung's.

And he looks really cute. His hair is all rumply.

"Uh - nothing," Jeongguk says. "Was gonna maybe... watch a film or something." He leaves it a beat too long before he asks: "What about you?"

"Mmmh... no plans." Yoongi's voice is accompanied by the rough sound of butter being scraped over bread, and then a contented hum and a crunch, and Jeongguk is left staring at his lips in some sort of weird admiration. "Can I hang with, or is it gonna be something I don't like?"

"I didn't think that far ahead," Jeongguk shrugs. Inside, he's sort of like please watch the movie with me please watch the movie with me but he doesn't want to pressure Yoongi, or anything. Yoongi probably has work.

Yoongi pulls a chair out and slumps in it, opposite Jeongguk, and there's a crumbly piece of sleep caught between the bridge of his nose and his eyelid. "Were you thinking, like, Saw or Shrek?"

"We can watch whatever," Jeongguk giggles a bit. "I - uh. Do you have any preference?"

"Not Saw."

"Okay. That gives us... oh, a billion and one other movies to cross out."

Yoongi kicks him under the table; he's not wearing shoes, and all Jeongguk can think is toes toes toes and then he feels both weird and creepy and he tells himself to shut the fuck up. "We have Netflix, you dumbass," Yoongi says. "And the internet. What do you want to watch?"

"Uh..."

"If you don't gimme a movie in two seconds, I'm picking Shrek."

Jeongguk shrugs, still sort of stuck on the toes thing, and now distracted by how Yoongi's hands hold his glass of orange juice. Yoongi beams triumphantly and hops up to dig the film out of their movie box, and then Jeongguk gets to see his ass bent over in his pyjamas and then he feels like -

Gross. Really gross. Because he thinks his hyung's ass is cute, what the fuck. That's not cute. That's probably sexual harassment, and oh god, what if Jeongguk is sexually harassing his hyung, and oh god, he could get arrested for something like that and ruin the group reputation or something -

"Shrek," Yoongi says. He's holding up the DVD box in one hand, and a crust of toast in the other. "I'm gonna change, but you put it in - unless you think of anything better, okay?"

"Mmkay," Jeongguk manages, and smiles all wobbly.

This is cool, and cool and okay, and it doesn't have to be strange - he can deal with that. This. Yoongi. At the last moment, he swaps out the film, chooses Spirited Away instead, because he’s feeling too slow and soft for something dumb. He doubts Yoongi will mind - Yoongi has a No-Face plushie and a collection of Ghibli special editions in his studio, and so long as it isn’t something scary, they’re okay.

"Oh, I like this film," says Yoongi, emerging back into the lounge in a massive shirt and yoga leggings. The shirt makes him look small, makes his shoulders less broad, and it swims around his upper thighs, and I have legs like SNSD.

That last thought makes Jeongguk snort.

"What, you don't?"

"I was thinking about your legs," Jeongguk says, and then turns bright red. "I mean - I mean-"

Yoongi lifts his leg and flexes his toes. "Good leg, bad leg. Leg."

"Leg," Jeongguk agrees.

Spirited Away is a good film for a day off - it always makes Jeongguk a little bit sad, but a lot happy, and so the two of them settle onto the couch, and Yoongi tucks his feet up under his body and rests his head on Jeongguk's shoulder and - yeah, yeah, that's okay, and Jeongguk feels almost content as he watches Chihiro and her parents drive through the Japanese countryside.

"This film makes me miss the country, and I never lived there," Yoongi says. His voice is too close to Jeongguk, and it makes Jeongguk jump; Yoongi feels the shudder, he must, and he laughs a bit. "You're jumpy today, tokki."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are - oh, shush, I like this bit."

Jeongguk decides he likes this too. Yoongi smells nice (okay, he smells of Yoongi, and of soap and cologne and sleepy bed smell) and Yoongi's hair feels nice against his neck and that's okay, it's not sexual harassment to think his hyung's hair feels nice against his skin. A bit creepy, but not - like, no boundaries.

This is nice.



Jeongguk is a modern man, and that means he knows exactly who to go to for advice - the internet at large.

Help me, he types, and then deletes it. That sounds like he's being held hostage.

I think about my hyung when I jerk off

Nah, too forward.

My bandmate

Nah, too identifying.

My friend (24m) is very pretty and sometimes I (20m) think about kissing him. What do

He deletes the what do bit, and then feels very proud of himself as he hits submit. Anonymous, simple, succinct, and he doesn't sound like a total creep, which is always a plus. He's just a random guy on the internet looking for some advice, totally normal, not life-ruining at all.

anonymous replied: (10 minutes ago) then just kiss him dude no problemo
anonymous replied: (8 minutes ago) is he gay? this is v important
anonymous replied: (5 minutes ago) lol thats gay [open thread]

Jeongguk sighs.



Yoongi is - he's pretty sure Yoongi's gay. Like, there's all those lines where he talks about sucking dick and stuff, and making guys come with his tongue, and Jeongguk is familiar with those lines and the problems they cause. God. But he's never sure whether Yoongi is just doing it to be provocative, or whether Yoongi actually is - like, like. Gay.

The word brings an odd tang to Jeongguk's brain, but he supposes he'll have to get used to it.

Does this make him gay?

He likes girls. He knows he likes girls. One time, backstage at a show, he got to feel a boob - like, not on it's own, duh, he just - like, there was this girl, this stylist, and she kind of liked him, he's pretty sure, and he tried to kiss her back and he copped a feel before Jin-hyung snatched him by the back of the collar and pulled him away from the scandal just waiting to happen. (Which - yeah, good call, Jin-hyung.)

But Jeongguk likes girls. Small and long hair and boobs and butts and stuff, and... like, hands, he likes hands, likes looking at pictures online of fingers pressing against skin and bruises and stuff, and he likes lips.

Sometimes he looks at Yoongi's lips.



I (20m) think about my friend (24m) like I think about girls sometimes. Am I gay?

anonymous replied: (20 minutes ago) depends if you like girls
anonymous replied: (14 minutes ago) lol probably
anonymous replied: (9 minutes ago) maybe u need to get out more



"Hyung, how - like," Jeongguk hovers, unsure of how to word it, "How do you... boys?"

"How do I boys?" Namjoon asks. His brows knot themselves together above the bridge of his nose. "I am one, if that's what you mean. I - what?"

Jeongguk knows he's bright pink and probably shaking. "I mean-" this is so embarrassing, "I mean, boys, hyung! Boys - like - girls."

Namjoon raises an eyebrow.

"Troye Sivan," Jeongguk says desperately. Saying it is - like admitting defeat. "How do you know?"

"Oh."

Yeah, this is definitely the worst moment of Jeongguk's life. Worst fucking moment ever. "Never mind, don't answer, it was, like, hypothetical-"

"Kiddo," Namjoon grabs him by the wrist as Jeongguk goes to bolt away, "Hey - hey, you wanna talk about anything, or anything?"

"No," Jeongguk says. His cheeks are melting. He's gonna cry out of sheer shame. "Uh, thanks. Bye."

He runs away. The internet is way more help than that, and now Namjoon keeps emailing him links to teen help websites and sexuality chatrooms and like, that's helpful-ish, but also it really isn't because now Jeongguk can't open his emails without turning purple.



"Jeongguk-ah," Yoongi calls. "Hey, Jeongguk - oh, there you are."

"Hi, hyung," Jeongguk says, with a pillow pressed to his mouth and a blanket over his head. "I didn't see you there."

He did.

"You did," Yoongi says, looking amused. "I saw you put the blanket over your head. Were you trying to hide?"

"No." Yes.

"Okay..." Yoongi tosses his phone from palm to palm, and he's wearing a really big black hoodie with the drawstrings pulled real tight around his neck in a bow, and the pocket weighed down with a wallet or something. "Hey, I wanted to ask - you wanna go out tonight? We could get lamb. Or barbecue."

Jeongguk considers for a moment, and inevitably food wins out over anything else. "Sure - sure, just lemme... get dressed."

Yoongi looks at him for a moment (pretty eyes, pretty eyes) and his gaze stays on Jeongguk's thighs, barely covered by the basketball shorts he's wearing. "Yeah, okay," he agrees. His voice sounds low and raspy.

Jeongguk hurries.



my 24m friend takes me 20m out on like. i think they're dates. i think he's cute. Jeongguk deletes that one before he submits it, and feels really weird about the whole situation.



He watches porn.

Well - like, he watches porn anyway, but this time he watches porn with a specific scientific goal in mind, and settles in for the long haul, only half-concerned with getting off. This is an experiment.

Firstly, girls. Lesbians are great, but they're irrelevant to the hypothesis, so he skips straight (hah, straight) to the grainy videos of girls with big tits and asses, flesh bouncing as they roll their hips against pillows, as they lie back, as men fuck them into the bed. They groan, and Jeongguk thinks it's hot, so - yeah, that's that box ticked. Girls are hot. He knew that, but it's sort of good to have it affirmed, even if it is just through - like, shitty Twitter porn.

His thumbs shake for this next bit, but it has to be done - science demands it.

what's better than this, guys bein' dudes, his treacherous mind supplies, and he has to stop with his hand slipping under his waistband to giggle to himself.

So he watches gay porn.

There's lots of stuff in English, and - and that's hot, too, and that's kind of scary. American guys with shiny white teeth and shiny bronze skin and shiny blonde hair, and skinny guys with abs that tense and quiver when they come, and now he's got his hand wrapped around his cock and his palm is sweating, and he's hardly moving it anyway, and precome is beading at the tip and he doesn't even really care.

When one video ends it's the awkward fumble for the next, feeling gross and cold with his hand around his dick, and if anyone walks in he thinks he might die with the shame of it. He's got an earbud in, and the other one out to hear for creaky floorboards, and the next caption is in Korean.

watch how cheeky he is kekeke

And the picture is a man, clearly a man, a Korean man, with his head tipped back, a thumb on his lips, his eyes half-shut.

Jeongguk opens the video.

"Baby," says the voice holding the camera, and - yeah, fuck, that's a slur of Busan satoori, right there because girls think it's hot, the satoori, and - and yeah, Jeongguk can see where they're coming from, but -

"Don't be mean," says the man the lens is focused on, his voice mumbly around the thumb in his mouth, his lips glistening with his own saliva. He's raspy, and it's a neutral sort of Seoul accent, but it's so easy to imagine a rasp, a gentle - rasp - and then -

"I'll do what I want," says the first man. He drags his thumb across the other's cheek, and then giggles, and Jeongguk is really, really hard. No need for spit or sweat or whatever; sticky precome dribbles out of the head of his cock and it's sort of gross, and kind of embarrassing how wet he is, but he spreads it along his length anyway and it feels way better, as the man turns from giggling into moaning, as Jeongguk's hand starts to pick up pace around his dick.

He skips forward. Just a little.

"Baby, open wide for me," says the camera voice, and then he sets his phone somewhere and gives the viewer - gives Jeongguk - a shot of two men, two men, kissing messily with spit connecting their tongues every time one of them breaks for a breath. God, is it hot.

When the video ends, Jeongguk clicks onto their account, and opens another one.

This one seems more -

The caption, anyway is baby was naughty keke and the image is of a black shoe pressed against the crotch of some dress pants.

Which -

But Jeongguk clicks it anyway. He feels disgusting, but he also feels too turned on to care.

"Ah, ah, ah - ahhhh - hyuuuung-" that's the raspy one, the Seoul voice, the smaller man, and his hips are thrusting up against the shoe that's rubbing against his dick, and the man holding the camera is laughing. Busan laugh. "Hyung, hyung! Hyung!"

"He calls me hyung," the camera voice remarks, and Jeongguk sees the shoe twitch harder and his hand squeezes around his cock and he's so hard, fuck, this is hot - "He calls me hyung when he's older than me. What do you think about that?"

The video ends but Jeongguk's too into the rhythm to stop, and he pushes himself over the edge by imagining Yoongi beneath him, calling him hyung and kissing him until spit flies everywhere and then -

And then he comes, and goes and has a really long shower and cries.



"Troye Sivan," says Namjoon.

"I know of him," says Jeongguk. He doesn't really want to have this conversation, so he tries to press the keys on his phone extra-loud, so Namjoon will hear the taps and leave him alone.

"Have you -"

"Wow, Yugyeom is calling me, I gotta take thi-"

"Jeongguk," Namjoon slumps down on the sofa, all concerned, older brother worried, and Jeongguk jerked off to his friend and he's really, really gross. "Jeongguk, you know I'm always here if you want to talk."

"Yeah," Jeongguk says, staring at his knees. "Yeah, I get it. I know. Thanks, hyung."

"And if you have anything in particular to say, I-"

"Can't think of anything, hyung."

"Jeongguk."

"Hyung." Jeongguk looks into Namjoon's eyes, and then at his ear, because gazes are too searching right now.

Namjoon's hand lands on his shoulder. "Do you have... anything... you want me to help you with?"

"Is Yoongi-hyung gay?" Jeongguk blurts out, and then he groans and shoves his head into his hands. "I - I mean-"

Namjoon makes a strangled noise like he's trying not to laugh, which would be mean, considering the situation. "What?"

"Yoongi-hyung." Jeongguk's started this off, so he might as well finish the whole disaster. "Is he gay?"

"I think you should ask him," Namjoon says. He's smiling, though. "You're a good kid, Guk-ah, he'll tell you the truth."

"So there's a truth to tell?"

"Ask hyung, not me."

Jeongguk sighs, but at least he's getting somewhere, and this is better than rewording i am a boy and i think i want to have sex with my friend who is also a boy over and over online until the answers are burnt into his brain. This is better than that, and it's also better than jerking it to gay porn while thinking of said friend. He's sick of feeling gross every day.



Yoongi is wearing a hat, to keep his hair out of his eyes, and a big hoodie. He has his sleeves pulled over his hands so that there's a layer of fabric between himself and the plastic mouse casing, and his fingertips poke out from the black. There are ears on the hood, and Jeongguk realises it's a Kumamon hoodie and his stomach feels all floaty and warm.

"You're avoiding me," Yoongi says quietly, and he minimises the tab he's working on, but he doesn't swing around in his desk chair, and Jeongguk feels all kinds of terrible. Yoongi has terrible posture, so he's sitting with his feet under his butt and his knees tucked into the body of his hoodie and -

"You look like L from Death Note," Jeongguk blurts. He'd meant to say no I'm not but sometimes the words fire out of him before he has time to think of them, and this is clearly one of those times.

Yoongi sighs, and the sigh has bones in it. "I - you're still avoiding me, bun. Did I do something?"

Jeongguk thinks he might cry. But he isn't going to cry. His eyes just hurt. "No, no, you didn't - no, you didn't, don't worry, you didn't. I'm not avoiding you."

"Namjoon said you had something to tell me," Yoongi says.

Namjoon. Traitorous bastard. Never trust him.

"I don't," Jeongguk says, a little whiny.

"Yeah, you do."

"No, I don't-"

"Jeonggukkie," Yoongi sighs. "I don't want to fight with you. Tell me what hyung did wrong, and he'll try to fix it." And he stretches out his hand, the wrist of his hoodie still tucked around his palm, and he wants to hold Jeongguk's hand and talk about the issues in their friendship. Oh, god.

"You didn't do anything," Jeongguk says, and it sounds damp and wet. "I - did something stupid."

"Don't cry, bun-"

"I'm not crying," Jeongguk says. He sniffs, and wipes the back of his hand over his brimming eyelids, and feels a little drier. "I'm not."

"Wanna sit down, then?"

"No."

"Tough. I do," Yoongi hops up - bare feet, toes, legs, hoodie, Yoongi - and he grabs Jeongguk's hand to hold it, and then he just... shoves Jeongguk down onto the sofa, and slumps half on top of him. "Now we're sitting down. Isn't this much better?"

"No," Jeongguk mutters.

"Huh. Someone's grumpy."

"Hyung - am not -"

Yoongi pokes him in the side, where he's most ticklish. "Tell hyung what's wrong, okay?"

"Are you gay?"

Wow, Jeongguk. Good going, Jeongguk. Really subtle, Jeongguk. Gold medal.

"What makes you ask that?" Yoongi is cautious, but he hasn't moved, so he's still holding Jeongguk's hand and he still has his legs flung over Jeongguk's lap. "Did I do something weird?"

"No," Jeongguk says, but slow enough that Yoongi must take it to mean yes.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Yoongi says, so quickly and defensively that Jeongguk gets whiplash, "I - didn't want to tell you, because I know you're just - you're the baby one, and I thought... well, and then Namjoon said you wanted to ask me something. I didn't think-"

"You haven't done anything," Jeongguk says.

"I'm gay," Yoongi says, after a long, even pause. "Is that not... why you're avoiding me?"

"No?" Jeongguk frowns, then corrects: "Sort of?"

"Sort of?"

"I think... I'm confused. A bit."

"About me?"

"Yeah?"

Yoongi is confused, Jeongguk can see it, but Jeongguk spends basically his entire life in a constant state of confusion, so he's not quite sure how to fix it. "About... me being gay?"

"How did you know?"

"Oh-" Yoongi's eyes soften, and his hand squeezes Jeongguk's, tight. "Oh, I get it."

"I don't get it," Jeongguk says, and he thinks he might sound a little sulky. "That's why."

"Why what? Who? Yugyeom? Or - or, like... Jin-hyung? Namjoon?"

"Someone like that," Jeongguk says evasively. "Does that mean I'm, like, gay now?"

"No, of course not." Yoongi's settling into his talk, Jeongguk can see it, and it's more familiar territory.

(Jeongguk's just looking at lips and cheeks and lips again as Yoongi's mouth makes words.)

"You could be anything you want. Sexuality is - it's a fluid thing, and labels aren't that important, honestly... I only call myself gay because I like men. I might like a woman, in the future, but at the moment I like men, so I'm - yeah. And... you could be bisexual, or pansexual, or... anything, really, but it's not scary. It sounds scary and it seems scary but I promise you," Yoongi squeezes his hand, "I promise you it isn't."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

Yoongi smiles. He's so happy. Jeongguk thinks he might -

"What if I like him?"

"The person that made you think you were gay?"

"Yeah." Jeongguk feels like he might cry.

"Then you tell him."

"Oh."

Jeongguk doesn't know what to do, now, and his whole mind is one big jittery mess, and so he's pretty sure a tear or two leaks out when he whispers "Yoongi-hyung, I like you," and then he shoves his face into Yoongi's Kumamon hoodie and he cries, great big heaving sobs full of guilt and adrenaline and jittery flittery fears and gay porn and Yoongi, and his hyung, and everything he's ever been told in his whole life piling up in one big heap only for Yoongi to kick right through them and knock them to the floor.

"Gukkie-yah," Yoongi says softly, and he's brushing his fingers through Jeongguk's hair and it feels so nice that Jeongguk cries harder. "Oh - hey, Jeongguk-ah, don't cry. There's nothing wrong with that..."

"But I really like you," Jeongguk says all snot and sniffles into Yoongi's hoodie, "And you're really cute and I didn't know what to do-"

"You told me, Gukkie, you did better than most," Yoongi's hand is really nice. Yoongi is really nice. His palm is warm and his nails are trimmed and he scratches down Jeongguk's nape and this is so, so dumb. Jeongguk is dumb.

"But you don't like me-"

"Says who?"



Jeongguk honestly doesn't remember what happens next. He's pretty sure he falls asleep on Yoongi's chest, or maybe Yoongi falls asleep on him - anyway, he wakes up, and his phone tells him it’s 4am and Namjoon has called him thirty-seven times, and Yoongi is making little snuffly noises, and he has his hands curled into fists in his sleeves, and he looks really cute.

And Jeongguk is mostly confused, and he thinks he always might be just a little bit, but this seems pretty straightforward.

Even moreso when Yoongi wakes, yawns, and kisses him on the nose.

Chapter Text

The next crisis doesn't strike for a while later.

Yoongi-hyung says we're taking it slow, tokki, and Jeongguk is - yeah, he's totally cool with that, he's totally cool with taking it anywhere at all, but he's kind of annoyed at how Yoongi always acts like he doesn't want to hold his hand. And, like, kiss his cheek and stuff. Jeongguk has spent years thinking about it, and he's pretty sure he does.

Anyway.

So.

"Troye Sivan," Yoongi says slowly one day, and Jeongguk knows Namjoon's been poking his nose in where he shouldn't.

"I like his music," says Jeongguk all the same. Curse you, Namjoonie. Curse you and all your stuffed bears to the pits of hell.

"Jeongguk-ah, I don't-"

"Hyuuuung, it was a dumb thing I just said, like, months ago-"

"-Joon said it was last week-"

"-I'm a different person now-"

"Jeonggukah," Yoongi interrupts, firm and solid and kind even as his hand settles all condescending on Jeongguk's knee. "Listen to hyung, okay? I want to talk to you about... some things, I think, but I need to think about them. Are you okay with that?"

"Yeah." No. Usually when people say that, they break up with people (in the dramas they do, anyway) and Jeongguk isn't sure they're even dating yet, so it's the height of unfairness to break up with him before they've really got started.

All the same, he agrees and sulks off to pout for a bit in the dance studio.

Min Yoongi, in all his life, has always been pretty sure of himself. Like, yeah, things might suck sometimes and he might think he's the worst in the world and he might hate his own guts, but he's always sure that he hates himself, or sure that he hates is job, or sure that he's too lucky to be where he is, and sure that at any moment now the other shoe will drop. But he's been sure.

He's been living with Jeongguk for almost seven years, now, and one thing he can say about the kid is that while he might be determined to be the best at his chosen hobby-of-the-week, he's never ever been confident in his own feelings.

A bit of that is probably Yoongi's fault.

Well - Yoongi likes to think most of it is. Jeongguk came to live with them when he was like, a baby, basically, a little kid, and Yoongi and Jin and Joon and they all tried to slot in as sort of quasi-parents in between Jeongguk's real family, and the whole thing worked out so oddly that it's a miracle Jeongguk is as well-adjusted as he is.

Anyway -

Anyway -

Yoongi was pretty active in the scene (hah. 'scene.') the alternative kind of kids, back in high school - the sort that listened to rappers and Western punk and the sort that were on internet forums and the sort that weren't always normal, and weren't always afraid of being different. So he didn't really ever have to know he was gay, or whatever - he just had to know that he liked kissing Daehyuk, and that was all okay with him.

But Jeongguk... who has he had, to influence him? Jin-hyung is a mess and he swears too loud and he laughs at the dumbest jokes, and Namjoon is well-meaning and lovely and wonderful but sometimes difficult to talk to, and Yoongi -

and Yoongi is a gay disaster. Yeah, that just about sums it up. He's a fucking disaster.

And he shaped Jeongguk.

So how is he to know whether or not this is real, these feelings Jeongguk professes, or whether they're just the kid feeling strange and lost and scared and latching onto familiar territory just to stop himself from being lost?

For these reasons, Yoongi is wadding himself up in his duvet and screaming silently into his pillow. Give hyung time to think. Jeongguk thinks Yoongi's, like, cool, and that Yoongi has everything together, and that Yoongi is sensible.

Yoongi is a mess.

So he sits in a puddle of duvet and shame, and watches cat videos on youtube until he feels like he might be able to smile again, and then he goes onto the forums.

my friend (20m) recently confessed to me (24m) and i don't know whether he likes me or he's just clinging to an older gay male he trusts

That just about sums it up - so Yoongi tosses his phone away like it bites, and curls up against his pillow and tries to go to sleep.

And so this is Min Yoongi the way Jeongguk sees him.

Jeongguk thinks his hyung is small and cute, and he's twitter-savvy, okay, he's seen all the posts where people compare his hyung to little kittens and he totally agrees and he sees it, and he sometimes forwards them to Yoongi and pretends he's making fun of him, and other times screenshots so he can keep them for himself, all close to his heart and sappy.

my friend (24m) and i (20m) are dating i think but i also think he doesn't think i'm gay but i think i am
anonymous replied: (15 minutes ago) thats a lot of thinking

"I want to talk to you," says Yoongi quietly. He wishes he could pull on his hoodie sleeves until he got swallowed into warm black cotton and never returned, but sadly, clothing doesn't seem to work like that.

Namjoon turns in his desk chair, looking quizzical but helpful. "Is it about the tra-"

"It's about Jeonggukkie."

"Ohh."

Yoongi slumps down into the black sofa next to the windows; there are blinds, but they're open, and Yoongi feels too dumb and secretive to close them. "Joon-ah, you said something to him and now the kid thinks he likes me," he complains. No secrets between friends. "What did you do?"

Namjoon breaks into a smile and Yoongi hates how happy it makes him. "The kid came asking me if it was okay to be like Troye Sivan, and I said you were gay and he should ask you. He thinks he likes you all on his own."

"Namjoonie."

"What?"

Yoongi glowers up at him, scowling through the neck of his hoodie. "He thinks he likes me."

"Maybe he does."

"That's dumb."

Namjoon swishes back and forth on his chair. "Why? You don't think you're likeable?"

"Shut up with that shit - I - fuckin hell, Joonie, I just think it's sorta dumb that last week the kid didn't know he liked boys 'n this week he wants to kiss me," Yoongi can hear himself whining and he wishes he would stop, but he's long since given up on acting like a sensible adult.

"He's motivated."

"Yeah, he - in photography, and singing and shit," Yoongi tries to hit Namjoon, but he's too far away, "He's not motivated by kissy-kissy shit with his hyung."

"He might be."

"You're no help."

Namjoon's eyes are twinkling merrily, like he's some all-knowing dispenser of ancient gay wisdom or some shit. Fuck Namjoon. He cries about pandas sometimes for no reason at all except that he thinks of them and "i love them hyung they need to be protected" and therefore Namjoon is not the all-knowing god of gays, because -

"You're no help," Yoongi repeats petulantly.

"Why are you both telling me this shit, that's what I wanna know," Namjoon swings back towards his computer, "I got work to do. You want to ask him something, ask him yourself."

This time, Yoongi really does hit him - thwacks him with his dangling sweater paw, and runs for the door before Namjoon can gather his wits to retaliate.

Joon wants him to talk? Fine, he'll find the kid, he'll talk.

Jeongguk.

Yoongi isn't sure whether he -

Does he like Jeongguk, or does he just love him like a brother? Yoongi’s never had to ask these questions before, so he’s never really given the issue much thought, but -

oh, god, what if he likes Jeongguk? Little baby Guk? Does that make him a creep? Has he been, like, subconsciously grooming the kid or something? But - no, Jeongguk came to this conclusion all on his own - with some help from Nam-fucking-Joon, of course, but still -

But still -

But still -

Yoongi has always been good at healthily working out his emotional issues, which is why he goes down to his studio, pulls the curtains, locks the door twice, shoves the go away mat outside the door, and starts playing back episodes of Hello Counselor until he falls asleep.

He thinks he might like -

Well. Okay. Objectively, Jeongguk is cute. He’s got pretty eyes and a pretty nose and pretty cheeks and when he’s happy, his smile crinkles and cracks all pretty across his face. Objectively, he’s hot, and muscular, and objectively he could, like, push Yoongi against a wall or something, which is hot.

Objectively.

Okay, now, subjectively.

Yoongi gets out a pink sharpie pen, and tries to make the list, and gives up when he runs out of space.

“Can we talk now, hyung?”

Yoongi is lying face-down on the sofa, when Jeongguk peers through the studio glass at him. The TV is playing, but on mute, and all he sees is an ad for toothpaste anyway. The door is locked, Jeongguk knows without trying it, but there’s a scribbly page on the table; when he turns his head he can just about read Yoongi’s horrific handwriting.

objectively;

pretty
smile
eyes
fuckin nm arms
lots of girls
could have girlfriend???????
no

subjectively;

pretty
smile
eyes
fcuckingarms
no girls
troye sivan ???????
probably me
lamb
laugh
yes

Jeongguk wouldn’t say he’s, like, clever, but he isn’t dumb either, and he’s pretty sure he can work out who the checklist is about. Probably.

Well, even if it’s wrong, it gives him enough confidence to try the door - and it isn’t locked, despite Jeongguk’s initial thoughts, which is… odd. Maybe Yoongi knew he would be coming.

“I like you,” Jeongguk says again, just as Yoongi says “I like you, and I’m sorry,” and the apology lasts longer than the confession and suddenly Jeongguk feels like he might not be the only one feeling a bit weird and gross and sobby about the whole situation.

“Uh - hyung?”

“What,” Yoongi grunts.

“Uh - why’re you sorry?”

“Because of, like… being old and stuff,” Yoongi shoves his thumb through a hole in his jeans, “And, like, I dunno, I’m not very good at being gay. You should probably talk to someone better.”

“You can’t be bad at being gay. Wait - can you?” And this is a whole ‘nother realm of worry that Jeongguk never thought he’d have to worry about, and now he’s worrying about it. “Am I bad at being gay?”

“You’re a disaster gay,” says Yoongi, but it’s a joke. Jeongguk thinks it’s a joke. “I’m a disaster gay. God, Gukkieyah, I’m old.”

“But you’re not, though.”

“But I am, though.”

Jeongguk folds his arms. “If you were, like, fifty, then I’d understand, but you’re really young!”

Yoongi glowers at his knees. “How do you know you like me?”

And Jeongguk can’t tell him about the porn experiments, he can’t, so he just shrugs and hopes his cheeks aren’t too pink. “I - think about kissing you sometimes?”

“Oh.”

Yoongi’s cheeks are pink.

“Can I?”

“Can you - what -”

“Kiss you?”

“Oy, Jeonggukkie, I just said we should think about it-”

Jeongguk plops down on the sofa, facing Yoongi. He’s as red as (as a Pokeball, Jeongguk’s mind supplies, and he tells it to shut up.) As red as a red thing. An apple. “Can we kiss, and then if we decide we don’t like it we go back to being gay but like, not together gay?”

“Apart gay,” Yoongi says.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

So they kiss, and it’s good.

(Jeongguk’s never kissed before, really, because that girl doesn’t count because she just kind of licked his nose a bit, but Yoongi kisses like a little kitten trying to put its paw on you without you noticing.)

And his lips are soft. Like peach skin before you bite into it, which is a gross thing to think about when you’re kissing someone, but it’s also kind of true because Yoongi is wearing peachy lip balm and his mouth isn’t even open, their lips are just kind of resting against each other, and it’s way better than any other Romantic Encounter Jeongguk has ever had.

So he decides fuck it, and he borrows a leaf out of Lee Min Ho’s book and cups Yoongi’s jaw in his hands and like -

“Ow, you bit me,” Yoongi says into his mouth.

“Sorry.”

“No - no, it’s okay, just do it like this,” Yoongi lets Jeongguk keep his hands where they are, which is nice, and he sort of holds Jeongguk’s neck and tangles his fingers in Jeongguk’s hair and opens his mouth against Jeongguk’s.

Which is way better.

Yoongi turns his head, and Jeongguk turns his the other way, and his tongue is sort of hot and wet but also - weird, and nice, and he doesn’t press against Jeongguk’s teeth or anything so much as he kisses them, and then the corner of Jeongguk’s mouth and the other and then they’re properly kissing. Like in movies.

And then it’s a while later.

“I think,” Jeongguk dares to say, while Yoongi is flapping his face to calm down, “I think I might like it if we were like - y’know, together gay.”

“Yeah,” Yoongi says quietly, and he puts his hand on top of Jeongguk’s and squeezes. “Um. Yeah, okay. That might be okay.”

And it is.