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YUURI HEXAGON GOES TO THE GPF

It was a bright sunny day in Japan, the day of the Grand Prix Finals.

Yuuri Katsuki (also known as Yuuri Katsudon and/or Yuuri Hexagon) was doing the septuple axel during practice for preparation for the contest.

Yuuri Hexagon peered over his shoulder and saw Yuri Plisexy doing some spins. He looked the other direction and saw Victor Nikifrozenyogurt practicing as well. He was less nervous now that he saw the love of his life skating.

Yuuri Hexagon skated around for a while, and then it was time for the Competition to start!!

They all went to the side of the rink and waited for their turn.

Yuuri Hexagon looked stunning in his hot pink geometry costume, rife with sequined hexagons in every color of the rainbow.

Victor Nikifrozenyogurt stood clad in his orange costume with a swirl on the head to represent the swirl on a good bowl of frozen yogurt. On top of the swirl headpiece you could find tons and tons of gummy worms, boba, and strawberries. He looked like a delectable frozen yogurt.

Plisexy stood further away from them. He was wearing a sexy French maid costume, his best costume ever.

Yuri P glanced at his phone impatiently. Where was Otabek Ballpen?

It would be so boring to not have his only friend there with him to laugh at everyone else.

Yuri Plisexy suddenly heard an irritating voice coming from behind him.

“Are you ready to lose?” sneered JJ Fuckboy, his least favorite contestant.

“You shut up. I won last time, remember?”

JJ just rolled his eyes and walked away.

The competition started.

All the guys (except for Otabek) went and sat at the edge of the rink.

Yuuri Hexagon ended up sitting next to Chris Giantspaghetti. Chris was wearing a giant meatball costume and a maypole-looking headpiece with real strands of spaghetti coming off of it. Yuuri Hexagon wondered where the idea for that came from, because he wasn’t too sure.

“First up, representing Switzerland, we have Christophe Giantspaghetti!”

Everyone cheered loudly.

Christophe’s freeskate music started. He was skating to a lovely Mozart song. Yuuri Hexagon suddenly knew why Chris decided to wear a giant spaghetti costume. It fit the music perfectly! Everyone started crying because the program was so beautiful and elegant, but on Chris’ last jump, the spaghetti maypole headpiece fell off!

Everyone gasped. No one in a million years could have EVER expected that. Christophe skated off the ice and to the kiss and cry. He got a decent score, but he had a 1 point deduction for his costume piece falling on the ice.

Chris had to give an interview after his skate.

“I’m here with Christophe Giantspaghetti, who just finished his freeskate.Christophe, how do you feel about your skate?”

“Eh, I feel pretty okay with it. I wish my headpiece hadn’t fallen off, though.”

“How tightly was it fastened?”

“It wasn’t fastened at all. Physics was supposed to keep it in place, but I guess physics just likes to ruin everything. But hey, at least I didn’t nut on the ice like last time.”

Chris looked down at his pants.

“Well, actually, maybe I did…” he cringed.

“Oh. Uh, do you have anything else you want to add?” the reporter asked.

“ESKEETIT!” Chris yelled and then walked away.

Next up, it was JJ Fuckboy’s turn.

“Representing Canada, JJ Fuckboy!”

JJ walked on the ice wearing nothing except a Supreme baseball cap covering his dick.

His music started, and he did a spin, moving gracefully to the melodic tune of Gucci Gang by Lil Pump.

The crowd sat there, stunned. Such artistry, such grace, such talent, paired with an exquisite piece of music by the God of music, Lil Pump. Could this be the winning program?

JJ Fuckboy finished his program with nary a fall, and skated off the ice to receive his scores. His technical element score beat Chris’ by about 69 points, but JJ faced a hefty deduction for being a douchebag. Still, however, he beat Chris and was in first place.

It was now Otabek Ballpen’s turn, but he was nowhere to be seen. Yuri Plisexy was panicking. How could that idiot be late to one of the most important competitions of his career?

Everyone waited for a few minutes, but then Otabek Ballpen BUSTED in through the doors.

“S-s-orry I’m late!” he cried running over.

“Fuck you! I was worried! Why were you late?” demanded an angry Yuri Plisexy.

“I was taking my physics final! It took longer than expected…”

“Oh. Well get your ass on the ice!” Yuri shooed away Otabek.

“Representing Kazakhstan, we have Otabek Ballpen!”

Otabek was wearing the same hoodie and jeans he had worn for his physics final. Otabek was skating to a trap remix of ‘In the Hall of the Mountain King’ by Edvard Grieg.

(Author’s Note: y’all look that up, it’s a real thing and it’s pretty good, not gonna lie. The original piece is great too.)

Otabek’s program went beautifully at first. His quads were landed, his spins were spun, his sequence stepped, and all was right in the world.

However, during Otabek’s sit spin, the phone in his back pocket vibrated. Otabek figured it was his physics final exam scores. He was conflicted because he wanted to know what he got, but at the same time, he was still on the ice in the middle of performing his routine.

“Well, I don’t think anyone’s really going to notice if I just check my phone right now. After all, these scores are really important…”

Otabek elected to pull out his phone. He pulled up the score page and braced himself.

He felt confident on the free response section of the test, but it was the multiple choice portion of the test that tripped him up.

Otabek saw his score and nearly had a heart attack.

He had scored a -32/100! How was that even possible?!

The grief overtook him and he collapsed on the ice, sobbing.

He was done for!

“OTABEK!” screamed Yuri Plisexy.

There was a commotion as paramedics got on the ice with a stretcher to take Otabek to the emergency room.

“And there you have it folks, Otabek Ballpen has left the building!” announced the reporter.

Yuri Plisexy was obviously distraught, but he knew he had to skate regardless of what happened to his friend.

“Representing Russia, make some noise for Yuri Plisexy!”

Yuri skated on the ice and stood in the middle of the ice preparing for his routine to start. He would be skating to All Star by Smash Mouth. He was angry because he had a Shrek costume that would be perfect for this program, but the rats ate it.

Now he had to wear this french maid costume from the other GPF, when he skated to Sandstorm by Darude. Sucks.

Yuri began his song, skating languidly to the tune, entrancing the audience with a flawless camel spin, which then flowed into a sit spin. In order to get the 10% bonus for his jumps in the second half of his free skate, he had to kill some time before he started jumping.

Some criticized him for this jump backloading, but he had to do anything he could in order to win.

At last, he hit the second half of his program and it was time to do some jumping. His first jump was a quad toeloop, which he nailed. He jumped some more, landing his jumps, much to the delight of his coach and the crowd.

For his last planned jump he had a 69-uple salchow. Unfortunately, he messed it up and was only able to do 21 rotations, which downgraded the jump to a 21-uple salchow.

Yuri Plisexy was crushed. This would totally make him get last. Now how was he supposed to beat Victor?

This was literally the worst thing that ever happened to him! The 69 rotation jump was supposed to be a piece of cake! What idiot is only able to do 21 rotations in a jump? Sad!

He went to the kiss and cry. As predicted, he was in dead last. Even Otabek beat him, and he hadn’t even finished his program!

Yuri went and laid on the ground and cried himself to sleep.

Then, his coach, Yakov, and Yakov’s husband, Ed Sheeran, came over.

Yakov was pissed.

“YURI! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” he boomed.

“NO! Shut up! Leave me alone! Can’t you see I’m devastated?!”

“This is unacceptable. A 69-uple salchow has 69 revolutions, NOT 21! Try harder next time.”

The depressed skater and the disappointed coach turned to Ed Sheeran to see if he would say anything, but he had pulled out his guitar and was writing a new song about the situation.

Yuri rolled his eyes to see Yakov going gaga for his husband writing a song.

Ever since Yakov had started dating Ed, Lilia had become even more of a witch. His training was much more demanding- the other day he had accidentally used the wrong edge for a lutz, and she’d hung him from the ceiling. By his thumbs. Who even does that?

Yuri resumed crying on the floor, but the show must go on!

Next up to skate was Yuuri Hexagon.

“Representing Japan, let’s give a round of applause for Yuuri Hexagon!”

Yuuri was nervous. He himself was planning an abnormal jump- a septuple axel. He adjusted his sparkly hexagon costume and positioned himself in his starting position.

Yuuri’s music was Fergalicious by Fergie, a tearjerker song.

He began skating with a flourish, and despite the bulkiness of his hexagon costume, he did not appear to be hindered in the least.

All went according to plan, until the time to do the septuple axel.His entrance into the jump was solid, but his fatal mistake was deciding to raise his arm above his head as he jumped, which is called a tano variation. The tano earns a skater more points since it’s more challenging than crossing the arms over the chest during a jump.

Anyways, Yuuri lost his balance because of the tano, and landed on his neck. Any normal human would have died because of this, but not Yuuri, because the sheer amount of katsudon he had consumed in his lifetime actually replaced his bone structure. So his neck was fine, but Yuuri was quite disoriented.

He laid there on the ground, recovering, because although he didn’t break anything, his neck had received the brunt of the impact and was quite sore.

“MY SWEET BABY YUURI!” screeched Victor Nikifrozenyogurt as he ran onto the ice.

“Vitya, I’m fine,” Hexagon groaned, rubbing his neck. But Victor paid no mind to Yuuri’s efforts to assuage him, and he collapsed at Yuuri’s feet, crying.

Yuuri rolled his eyes. His boyfriend was so over dramatic sometimes. Yuuri was aware it would be a while until Victor got off of him, so he started eating the frozen yogurt toppings off of Victor’s headpiece.

Eventually Victor ran out of steam, and the two went to the kiss and cry to receive Yuuri’s score.

“Yuuri Hexagon has earned a score of 420.666 in the free program. He is currently in first place.”

Yuuri was astounded. How did he get a score that high when he fell on a jump and then had his boyfriend cry on him for 15 minutes?

He walked away from the kiss and cry and had to face a mob of cheering reporters.

“Th- that was beautiful!” cried the press.

“Yes! It was so eloquent and emotional- I was moved to tears!”

Yuuri was humbled. They really liked his program that much?

By now it was Victor’s turn to skate, but he was crying on Yuuri again, despite the fact that Yuuri was fine and walking around.

It took Yakov, Chris, Yuri P, and even JJ to peel Victor off of Yuuri and get him on the ice.

“Representing Russia, we have Victor Nikifrozenyogurt!”

Victor stopped crying now and was ready to wow the crowd with his free skate to Gasolina by Daddy Yankee.

He moved around the ice, but something was wrong. Very wrong.

Unbeknownst to the audience, Victor’s frozen yogurt costume began to melt, and Victor began to get sticky- and not in a good way.

He wanted badly to take off his yogurt headpiece, but then that would cause a 1 point deduction, like what had happened to Chris.

Around the 3 minute mark of the program, Victor was completely encased in melted froyo, and unable to move.

Melted yogurt had petrified him, and now he was a sticky statue, frozen in place. Victor was irritated, because this had happened at one of the most important competitions of his career, and because he could feel the stickiness of the sugar on his skin.

Everyone waited in stunned silence, until finally, Yuuri Hexagon came to the rescue and tried to remove the statuesque Victor from his spot on the ice. Unfortunately, Yuuri also got sticky, and was also rendered immobile. The two lovers were now stuck in place.

It seemed as if nothing would save the day, but help did soon come!

As it turns out, Makkachin, Victor’s dog, operated a construction company on the side in order to help pay for Victor’s skating. Makkachin had access to state of the art construction equipment, and thus was able to bring a crane.

Makkachin used a wrecking ball to create an opening on the roof of the stadium and maneuver the hook on the crane inside.

The crane hook hooked on the waistband of Viktor’s pants and the pair were lifted off the ice and into the sky. They dangled from the hook on the crane and Makkachin drove them home so they could shower and get the yogurt residue off of them.

And thus the competition ended.

Yuuri Hexagon would have taken home first place with his dazzling world record breaking free program, but he wasn’t there to receive his prize.

Second place would have gone to JJ Fuckboy, but he was too busy flexing on the haters to receive his prize.

Christophe Giantspaghetti had earned third, but he was currently nutting, and since skating is ostensibly a family event, he couldn’t accept his prize.

Victor Nikifrozenyogurt had gotten fourth, but he was also at home showering with Yuuri.

Otabek Ballpen’s tragic free skate still copped him fifth place, but he was at his school begging his physics teacher for a chance to retake the exam, and his physics teacher just didn’t give a shit.

And that left Yuri Plisexy. Yuri was still at the rink, and not doing anything lewd, so the gold medal went to him, despite him having come in last place.

Plisexy was still crying on the floor when the judges found him, but they kicked him until he got up and was able to receive his prize.

“Huh? What the hell?” a stunned Yuri stammered when the judges handed him his gold medal.

“Congratulations!” everyone cheered and microphones were stuck in his face as reporters asked him questions.

Yuri was too dazed to answer any of them.

How had he won? Despite everything that had happened?

Yuri P quickly regained his composure and answered the press’ questions with a smirk.

“Oh yeah, pshh, I knew I would win this the whole time. Those other losers are nothing compared to me, the Ice Tiger of Russia!”

“Well, there you have it folks. Another great Grand Prix Final concluded,” smiled the announcer.

“Yuri Plisexy successfully defended his gold medal and remains the reigning Grand Prix champion in men’s singles,” stated the other.

“Say, did anything about this year’s GPF strike you as odd?” asked one announcer, Sal, to the other announcer, Bob, once the cameras were off.

“Now that you mention it, there was. But… I can’t put my finger on it,” shrugged Bob.

“Me neither. Oh well,” replied Sal.

END