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Chapter Text

Tony stares at Steve and Bucky. He's been doing that a lot lately. Not by choice, mind you. He's just- looking. Observing.

In a way, he thinks to himself, they're like a puzzle, although none of them seem to realize that.

It would (it should, if you ask Tony) be scary, how they're always so aware of the other one. But it's not, because of course it isn't. That's just how soulmates are. A perfect fit for each other. Soulmates are like gravity to each other, always pulling them together. They just have this kind of balance, always shining brightly, practically screaming perfect.

That balance between Steve and Bucky will break if Tony says anything.

He watches, instead. He watches Steve laugh. Watches as Bucky smirks next to him, watches as he leans against the kitchen counter. He looks at the faint touch between their shoulders and the two hands that holds them together. He still can't help but glance at Steve's soulmark under his left collarbone, even though he's seen it a thousand times before. It's a simple mark, really, just a circle with lines coming out from it, twisting and turning. It looks like a sun, a sun with a dark, yet vibrant, blue color. Tony glances over at Bucky, staring briefly at his right upper arm, where he knows the exact same sun will be hiding under the long sleeve shirt he is wearing. Tony turns his head up to their faces, as Steve rest his head on Bucky's right shoulder and whispers something softly to him, obviously not meant for the rest of them in the room to hear.

Tony takes his coffee and goes to his workshop, telling the rest of the team he'll be downstairs and fix the things they broke this time in their last fight, which wouldn't have been a lie if he hadn't fixed that yesterday.

He ignores the burn right between his shoulder blades, where a blue sun is hiding.

(-)

The thing is, Tony has never been fine. (-)

When Tony was diagnosed with depression at age 14 and gave the doctor's note to Howard, he scoffed at him and paid the doctor to keep quiet. He's fine, Howard had said with a sneer to Jarvis. Tony hid behind the door to the kitchen, body heavy and mind dull as he listened to him. He's just trying to get some attention.

When Tony went to another doctor and was diagnosed with severe anxiety at age 15 he didn't tell Howard and paid the doctor himself to keep quiet.

(-)

Tony watches again. He watches as Thor booms about Jane to anyone who will listen. He's practically beaming, saying there is no one else he would want to be with. Which is obvious, of course, since Jane is his soulmate and there's literally no one else he would be a better match for (in theory). Tony notices Clint rolling his eyes when Thor isn't watching and Natasha hitting him slightly on his head. Tony's eyes drift towards his wrist. He can't see it, but he knows Clint's soulmark is on his left wrist, a dark red, twisted line going around the wrist like a bracelet, with pointy thorns coming out from it. Tony knows Natasha has the exact same one on her ankle, although he's never seen it. He also knows Coulson has one around his right wrist.

Thor continues to boast about Jane and their soulmark. It's an oval, yellow thing, with what looks eerily like lighting coming out from it. It kind of looks like a cloud too. Bruce sits next to him, listening, a small smile tugging on his lips. His soulmark is on his chest; it's a straight, thick line, about as thick as a ruler, but it is the brightest green Tony has ever seen and from it there is a hurricane of thinner lines, twisting and crossing each other. Tony knows Betty Ross has one on her palm. He also knows the two of them will meet in the weekend and that Bruce is secretly excited and nervous. Tony can't blame him. He did abandon her after all for a couple of years. It's a pretty shitty thing to do, if you ask Tony. Oh well. Tony can get why he did it. Besides, it's something Tony would do.

Tony turns his head towards Steve and Bucky. Steve is also listening to Thor's voice, but he focuses more on the drawing he's currently drawing in his sketchbook. His head is in Bucky's lap, while Bucky plays with his hair. Tony thinks the position can't be that nice to be in since Steve has to keep his arms up to be able to draw, but he's also pretty sure it doesn't bother Steve, because of the super-serum and all. Tony can't see what Steve draws, but he can see Bucky smiling every time he looks at it. Steve's eyes are shining and Bucky seems more happy than he has ever been since Tony met him.

Tony walks out of the room without saying anything. Nobody notices.

Either that, or they just doesn't care.

Tony thinks he knows which one of the two alternatives is right.

(-)

Call him dramatic, but he's never coped with feelings well.

They always comes at the worsts moments, he realizes quickly. When there's people in his face and phones everywhere and people are yelling and asking-

He smirks and pushes it all down, hides it. Puts his hands in his pockets so people won't see them shake, talks loudly and bold. Bits down hard on the inside of his cheek with his teeth. Takes control over the situation, acts as if he owns the place and doesn't let himself lose control of the situation.

(Later, on the good days, he'll hide in the workshop and build. On the bad days, he'll hide with a bottle and won't build anything.)

(-)

Tony builds. He builds until his hands are bloody and aching, until his eyes are bloodshot and his legs feels heavy. He builds, he upgrades and invents. He does anything he can thinks of. He ignores Jarvis attempts to talk to him about how long he has been awake without sleep, since he last ate and the last time he left the workshop. He ignores it when Jarvis says Bruce wants to come down to see him and he ignores when Steve also tries.

He ignores them and builds.

(-)

It's not Steve and Bucky's fault that he has one of his 'manic episodes', as Pepper likes to call them. Of course it isn't.

It's been building up for a while. He can feel it, can feel the unease and restlessness deep in his bone, slowly growing, coming closer and closer to the surface, even when he tries to push it down.

They're just the last straw that finally breaks the surface.

(-)

His hands are sore and his arms are tired, but his mind is focused on the devices in his hands.

Tony is fine.

Food and sleep is overrated anyway.

(-)

Tony collapses 8 hours later.

(-)

Tony was 19 when he got his hands antidepressants for the first time.

He threw them away without using them.

He couldn't bring himself to be dependant on something, was what he told himself.

(He couldn't bring himself to get help when he obviously didn't deserve it, was the truth.)

(-)

Yinsen is the only one Tony ever has told about his soulmark.

You're the man who has everything, yet nothing.

Tony knows Yinsen believed those words to be as true as the sky is blue. Because Tony is an egoistic bastard with dead soulmates and he would be alone even after he escaped that hellhole.

Tony also knows Yinsen believed he could be different, do something good for the world. That he would do something great.

Tony knows one of two statements is right.

He also know one of them is wrong.

(-)

Tony wakes up in his bed. He stares at the ceiling for five minutes, before he sits up. He is still in his clothes he had in the workshop, but his hands are bandaged and aching. He looks away from them. He notices that on the right side of his bed there is a tray with sandwiches and a water bottle. He can't feel the taste of the food when he is eating. He can't feel the hot water when he showers.

Usually, whenever this happens, he'll either wake up to Rhodey or Pepper or both, screaming at him or helping him into bed or both. Sometimes he'll wake up on the floor in the workshop, cold, while DUM-E bumps into him, much more gentle than he usually is.

He knows it should be a nice change to wake up in his room, but all of his emotions are buried somewhere he can't reach them and he's too tired to bother to try.

Jarvis says he's been asleep for 9 hours when he asks.

Tony doesn't ask who brought him up to his room.

(-)

Tony is pretty sure Howard hated Tony the moment he laid his eyes on him. Tony was never good enough; never perfect. While he might be a genius, he wasn't Captain America. Tony thinks he never really let go of him. It didn't help Howard and Maria Stark wasn't soulmates, although that was not a fact that the public knew. It didn't help it was a unhappy marriage and that Tony never was wanted, but was needed to continue the family line. It didn't help Howard thought Tony was only good to lash out his anger at.

(Tony thinks the marriage wasn't always unhappy. Sometimes his mother would get sad and longing looks while looking at Howard. Tony thinks the words his mother would say about Howard to guests, (kind, nice, a gentleman) once was true. But the marriage from what Tony can remember has never been a good one.

At least, never when he's been in the picture.)

(-)

The soulmark hurt when he got it, which he thinks is lucky, because otherwise, he wouldn't have known it was even there before somebody else saw it. Tony got his soulmark at 15, two years earlier than the average time to get one. He doesn't tell anyone. Tony had learned by Howard at a young age that he was nothing worth and that the only thing that mattered was his name. He had been learned no one would love him. So how could he ever be good enough for two of the greatest heroes of all time? He only knows it is them because Aunt Peggy showed him a picture of Steve's soulmark one time and said Bucky also had one, much to her disappointment.

(Tony at the time already knew she didn't have a soulmark. She didn't tell Tony that she was sad to see Steve already belonging to someone else, but Tony didn't need to be a genius to see that.)

It didn't add up that Tony would have them as soulmates, no matter how hard he thought about it.

So he shut up about it. After all, they were already dead. It didn't matter.

Sometimes, Tony is sure the universe loves to prove him wrong in the worst possible ways.

(-)

Tony can still feel the water burning in his lungs and voices yelling in his ears in languages he doesn't understand.

He can still remember the thoughts of hoping somebody would come and save him.

He can still remember Yinsen calm voice talking to him when he needed distraction from the hell they were in.

He can still remember the rage burning in him when Yinsen died.

He can still feel the burning sensation of warm sand and the sun over him, feeling as though he was being cooked alive.

He can still feel his fingers and toes freezing when the first (and only) night came.

Tony has a hard time to remember Rhodey coming for him.

(-)

Howard and Maria Stark died two years after he got his soulmark and he can't bring himself to cry for Howard.

How can he cry for somebody who caused him so much pain?

...

(He lied. He did cry. Out of frustration and confusion and shock.

He did cry, but how much of it was actually from sadness?

He doesn't know.)

(-)

No one talks about the period of time Tony spent in the workshop. The team glances at the bandage around his hand sometimes during the first day, but pretends it isn't there after that.

Tony doesn't say anything about it and acts like he usually does, poking fun of Clint and generally being the smarter one in the room, except for Bruce. (And Natasha, because she is smart, just in a different way).

He can feel a bitter taste in from his coffee when Bucky and Steve looks at eachother like there is nothing else in the world. He ignores it and continues drinking.

That he drinks alcohol afterwards to get the taste from his mouth gone is completely out of the point.

He was already having a bad day, anyway.

(-)

Tony's dreams are plagued by Howard yelling at him, Bucky and Steve glaring at him and a pain in his soulmark, something in it itching and clawing from inside of him to get out.

It doesn't matter. He doesn't sleep that much anyway.

He can't really remember a night since Afghanistan he's been able to sleep through the whole night.

(-)

One time, Clint asked if it was true that Tony didn't have a soulmark. The rest of the team looks up to stare at him.

Tony went quiet, the question so abruptly out of nowhere, before he quietly explained his soulmate died a long time ago. Which isn't a lie, per say, he's just withholding some information. He shrugs at Clint's aww, man, I'm sorry, and walks away.

His heart still beats twice as fast when he thinks back at the conversation.

(-)

Tony can sometimes see Natasha staring at him.

He won't be surprised if she knows or at least suspects he didn't really tell the whole truth to them. But she doesn't say anything.

He wants to thank her for that.

(-)

When Tony was 18 years old, he cut himself.

The knife was dull and worn and it hurt so much that tears came into his eyes. The cut was jagged and deep and bled, pouring down his thigh (thigh, not wrist- it's easier to hide).

His stomach had turned on itself so quickly he merely made it to the trash bin before he threw his guts up, wound aching and still bleeding.

Whatever relief he tried to find never came. Instead he could barely move, hand shaking when he lifted the knife and threw it in the trash bin, almost falling when he tried to stand up.

He collapsed in the shower and didn't wake up until hours had passed, dizzy as if he'd gotten drunk.

The scar that's left is a harsh reminder. Of what?

Tony isn't sure. Failure? Maybe. Weakness? Maybe.

He doesn't know.

Does it matter?

(-)

He got Bruce his own lab.

Bruce is there a lot. Sometimes Tony joins him.

They don't talk much.

It's nice.

(-)

Tony thinks of Obie when he gets drunk. He thinks of the trust he had for him, the respectful mask and confidence Obie always had. He thinks of Obie's black soulmark on his neck. He thinks of that one time Obie told him during one of his drunken ramblings that "she wasn't worth it".

Maybe he ripped her heart out too.

(-)

He's just so tired.

Of what?

Life, perhaps. But Tony doesn't have an excuse to be tired.

Not really.

(-)

The team asks sometimes if he wants to be with them on movie night or want to get takeout or just plain out hang out with them.

He says no every time, with a pair of rolling eyes and a smirk on his face.

Sorry, pointbreak, but this suit won't fix itself.

Sorry, Cap, but Pepper will have my head if I don't go to the meeting this evening.

Sorry, Legolas, I'd just win the game in five minutes max.

Sorry, Brucie bear, but-

Sorry, Nat-

Sorry.

(-)

They stop asking.

He ignores the disappointed feeling in his chest.

He knows they didn't want him there anyway.

Because Tony isn't a nice person to be around.

(-)

Sometimes, Tony just stops. He stops with whatever he's doing and stares out into the thin air, his mind empty and his eyes unfocused.

It's nice to feel okay for a change.

(-)

He still gets bad days, of course, even though he likes to think he can handle his so called 'issues'.

Are they even issues, or is he just lazy and making excuses?

Those days, he stays in bed. Sometimes, he'll bring himself up. Sometimes, he can't.

(-)

Jarvis was the first person Tony trusted.

He still wishes he had told Jarvis about his soulmark before he died.

He thinks he deserved to know.

(-)

Tony wonders sometimes if the world would continue if he was gone. He's pretty sure it will.

If it was not for the fact he that has so many ideas, too curious to find out if he can build it, fix it, make something new, revolutionary, he might have tested the theory.

For now, he'll build whatever he sets his mind too, ideas always coming and going.

And if the day when he doesn't have any more idea comes-

Well, he always wanted to test his theory.

(-)

Tony can't bring himself to say anything to Pepper and Rhodey, even if he would trust them with anything.

He doesn't know if he wants to tell them or not. It's not their problem.

(He remember Rhodey telling him when they were younger it's OK to ask your friends for help. To tell him if something is bothering Tony.

But this is completely different.)

Nobody, except maybe for Natasha and Yinsen, who is dead, even knows he has one soulmate and definitely doesn't know he has two. Why should he say anything, when they doesn't have a clue?

He's handling the situation fine, he thinks for himself.

(He knows the word fine doesn't mean anything to him anymore, not since he's father told him to tell anyone who asked that I'm fine, thank you.)

(-)

When Tony and Pepper broke up, Tony didn't know how to react. He knew it had only been temporary; they weren't soulmates and Pepper had a soulmark herself; a red circle, with spikes and small triangles floating around it. It fit her and her temper.

But that didn't mean he wasn't allowed to get hurt. So he got drunk and woke up with a headache. Nothing unusual.

But this time, he woke up alone and cold.

Since then, he's used to feeling cold.

He was already familiar with feeling alone.

(-)

Tony doesn't talk to anyone. Doesn't try to get help.

The thought of needing somebody else's help to feel fine again, even though he needs help-

He feels sick.

(He doesn't deserve help anyway.)

(-)

One time, Tony got to see Yinsen's mark.

It was a dark green color, formed as a circle and another circle around it. Yinsen had it on on his right knee.

Tony wishes he could have saved Yinsen and his family.

He wishes Yinsen could have gotten his happy ending.

Tony wishes he had died in that cave.

(-)

Tony's visits to Bruce's lab gradually stops.

Bruce asks why and Tony says he has a lot to do in his own workshop.

Bruce doesn't ask anything more about it, because he's nice and doesn't want to pry.

Tony knows he shouldn't be so disappointed.

(-)

When Tony meets Steve Rogers, he doesn't say anything. He thinks for himself, that when the right time is, he will. But there is never a right time. Because Steve hates him, ranting about Howard and how Tony is not a hero. (Which is fair, because he isn't, not really).

Tony doesn't say anything about the mark, but can't help but trace the lines under Steve's collarbone with his eyes. He wants to belong to somebody, but he knows it won't work as long as Steve mourns over Bucky. He wishes there is a way to help Steve with the grief, but he doesn't know how. But he tries. It's small things, like new pencils or small stuff that has once belonged to Peggy or old pictures. Steve seems a little more happier for every week, so Tony thinks it works. The missions goes well enough and the Avengers are successful as a team.

Eventually, Steve warms up to him. Tony hasn't said anything about the small stuff he does for Steve, but he thinks Steve knows it is him. Thinks maybe he has a shot, even though he doesn't deserve Steve.

But most of all, Tony is happy he can at least do something right for once and help a grieving man.

(-)

He has never gotten help. Not professional, at least.

He wonders if he had gotten help when he was younger, would he still be as fucked up as he is now?

(-)

Tony doesn't know if he should laugh or cry when they discover the Winter Soldier.

(He does both.)

He helps to, for lack of better words, 'decode' the Winter Soldier.

(He cries some more when he watches Steve and Bucky embrace each other.)

He doesn't say anything Bucky is well enough to move into the tower.

(How could he?)

Because Steve and Bucky are together and Tony can see the affection radiating from them.

There's simply no place for Tony. Never has been and never will be.

Howards was right, Tony thinks when Bucky's been in the tower for some time. Tony can't help but falling for him too, for his dry humour and the rare smiles he can sometimes get, when his mind isn't plagued by the things he did as the Winter soldier.

Tony is alone.

Alone and broken and useless and worthless and stupid and foolish and-

Tony hides in his room when his thoughts becomes too much for him too handle.

(-)

His dreams are becoming worse.

They're full by silence now, an empty void where there is no sound.

Tony never liked silence.

(-)

Tony walks in on Steve and Bucky kissing early in the early morning and stares, before he walks out of the kitchen so they won't notice him.

He doesn't cry (can't cry), not when he knows he never had a chance anyway.

(-)

JARVIS tries to help him in his own way. Telling him when he last ate or slept. JARVIS tells him where all the other Avengers are and always sounds so comforting when he speaks to Tony.

Tony can't help but smile when JARVIS talks to him.

It feels nice to have someone caring about him, human or not.

Because JARVIS is his, an AI he built to help him build and make everything so much easier.

(To have someone to talk to is also a reason why Tony built JARVIS, but he doesn't like to admit that fact.)

(People in school always joked about how the only friends he'll ever get is those he builds himself and he's not about to admit that it is true.)

(-)

Yinsen starts coming back to Tony's dreams, although Tony can't figure out why.

(Might be because of guilt, but Tony always feels guilty.)

Tony wonders how long he can be awake without going insane.

(-)

It's been five months since Bucky moved into the tower.

Tony has managed to create an arm to him like the one he had before, the only difference being that the new arm is covered by a material so it looks and feels more like skin. Bucky also tells him it feels more real and less like a metal piece stuck to his shoulder.

Bucky and Steve can't stop thanking him for at least a week.

Tony waves off their thank you's with a shrug, feeling a little bit awkward and a little bit pleased.

Tony doesn't know how he will manage to lie about his soulmark for his entire life.

(-)

Natasha stares at him. He stares back. She shakes her head and walks away.

Tony doesn't know what that was about, but he feels a little bit empty when she walks away.

(-)

He doesn't eat (can't eat without feeling nauseous), doesn't sleep (can't sleep, only watches the ceiling for hours, mind running and running), doesn't stop (can't stop, why should he when there's so much going on in his head, he can't stop).

He's fine.

He's fine.

(-)

Jarvis was the father Tony wished Howard could have been when he was younger.

Tony has known since he was a teen that he doesn't deserve that kind of a father.

(-)

Tony gets drunk one night and sets fire to the workshop.

DUM-E actually uses his fire extinguisher right for once.

Tony wishes the robot hadn't.

(-)

He fought with Rhodey. He can't remember what they fought about, but it ended when Rhodey punched Tony.

(Tony wasn't drunk, but he wasn't in his right mind set when they fought, tired, too tired to care.)

Tony can't remember last time he got that drunk after a fight.

(-)

Tony thinks of Steve and Bucky and their stupid, perfect smiles.

He throws his coffee cup across the room. It shatters in thousands of pieces.

Tony tells himself he is okay.

Tony has always been very good at lying.

(-)

Tony doesn't care much about anything anymore.

He feels shitty, feels tired, feels weak, feels, feels, feels like a waste of space, but he doesn't have a reason to feel this way.

He doesn't have a reason, so he shouldn't feel this way, because why should he feel so fucking horrible when he doesn't have a fucking reason?

He shouldn't be feeling like this. He knows that.

But he just can't bring himself to care anymore.

(-)

Tony hides in his workshop for two days after his fight with Rhodey.

No one tries to come down.

(-)

He dreams about falling, falling and falling in darkness.

He is always alone in darkness.

(-)

Pepper asks Tony if he's okay.

He yells at her on, his mind muddled and thoughts running wild. She leaves him alone after that.

It's been a couple of days by now since he last talked to her.

He still haven't said sorry.

(-)

He feels too tired to keep up appearances around Steve and Bucky anymore.

It's easier to just avoid or walk out of the room when they're there.

(-)

Tony walks in when the team has a movie night. There are popcorn, bad movies and laughter. No one bothered to tell Tony.

No one notices he is even there.

No one notices him leave.

(-)

He haven't seen Pepper for some time now.

It's easy to slip into his old drinking habits now when neither Rhodey or Pepper is there to stop him.

(-)

He doesn't care about his soulmark anymore.

Honestly.

...

(He does. A little. But honestly?

He has so many problems, so many fucking problems, he just can't be bothered enough too care about it anymore).

(-)

Rhodey and Pepper calls sometimes. The calls are short and stiff and Tony still doesn't say sorry.

There's a bitter taste in his mouth after they calls.

Tony's shocked he hasn't died of alcohol poisoning yet.

(-)

Thor goes to Asgard.

No one tells Tony.

He finds out by JARVIS.

He tries not to think the fact that Thor left without saying goodbye.

He shouldn't be surprised, after all.

(-)

He stays in bed for 19 hours and doesn't bother to move.

Why should he?

(-)

It's been a long time since Tony seen Pepper and Rhodey.

A part of him hopes they'll come and check up on him, even though they've fought, even though he knows it's stupid to hope. They're as equally stubborn as he is.

He still haven't seen or heard from them since they last called one month ago.

(-)

It's been a while since Tony talked to the others outside of missions.

He thinks nobody is just bothering to talk to him.

After all, he is an arrogant lonewolf.

Right?

Right.

Sometimes he has to remind himself of the obvious things.

(-)

He dreams of laughter and smiles while screaming for help.

No one helps him.

It's getting harder to see the difference between his dreams and his everyday life.

(-)

Another month passes by.

Tony wonders when he really started to spiral downwards.

...

He wonders if he has passed the point of ever recovering.

He doesn't dwell on it too much.

He's too tired to care.

(-)

It hurt like a bitch when Rhodey took the War Machine suit. Tony knew it was wrong. But he also knew he just couldn't loose Rhodey. So he forgave him. Besides, it's his own fault, just like everything else. It all worked out in the end.

Or, it did. Because Rhodey hasn't contacted Tony in any way for a long time now. Just like Pepper. They're probably busy and can't deal with Tony right now, especially now when he hasn't tried to contact them himself. So why bother if they're busy?

It's Tony's fault anyway.

(-)

He's paler, he notices when he looks into the mirror. Paler and thinner. His face is gaunt.

He doesn't wear tank tops anymore.

Thank god for sun glasses and make-up.

(-)

Tony doesn't talk much at all anymore.

He listens at Cap in missions and he answers any questions he gets and talks when he needs too.

He doesn't initiate conversations.

(-)

One time, Tony drops one of his pencils on the ground. He stares at it for a long time, before he burst out laughing. It's a crazy laugh, burning in him and he sobs too, shifting between laughing and sobbing.

It ends with Tony crying helpless on the ground, hoping somebody would come. Anybody.

No one does of course.

Tony can't help but cry harder.

(-)

Tony is fine.

He's fine.

(-)

He dreams of dying, quick and only a little bit hurtful while people smiles to him.

It's one of the nicer dreams he has had in a long time.

(-)

Pepper calls Tony and he picks up, only to stop the call one second later, after hearing her voice.

Rhodey calls too. Tony doesn't pick that call up.

(He almost has an anxiety attack just by thinking of talking to them right now.)

(-)

He dreams of drowning and screaming, pain soaring through his body as he sees the rest of the Avengers staring motionless back at him.

The pain remains when he wakes up.

(-)

...

...

...

(-)

Tony is tired.

(-)

...

...

...

(-)

Tony leaves.

He tells the team he's going on vacation and doesn't give them more information.

He ignores their baffled looks, only tells Steve if they need help or anything, they can contact him by Jarvis.

He leaves 4 o'clock a thursday, after being awake for 28 hours and sleeping for 14 and he ignores his team calling after him.

He needs to leave.

(-)

He gets in his car and drives. The drive only takes 4 hours.

The house is by the sea. It isn't like his house in Miami, but he doesn't mind it.

He hasn't used it much. Only sometimes. There isn't many people who knows he owns this house. Rhodey and Pepper knows.

Tony goes inside and right into the bedroom. He falls onto the bed. Stares at the ceiling for a minute.

The bed is huge. The walls are light blue. The ceiling is white.

Tony is tired.

He stays in the bed for a while.

(-) He's been there for 3 days.

He's slept about 11-12 hours.

He ignores his calls.

He's eaten four times. He thinks.

He's tired.

(-)

...

Weak.

...

Worthless.

...

Unnecessary.

...

...

...

(-)

I'm tired.

...

Of what?

...

At this point, I don't even know.

...

Chapter Text

(-)

...

How long will it take until I disappear?

(-)

From the age of 23, the media thinks Tony is a drunk genius who loves to sleep around.

Tony never has and never will, correct the media.

Why should he?

Because Tony is a genius and this only serves as a way to continue the rumour that he has no soulmark. Because who, in the right mind, would sleep around if they have a soulmate?

Of course, he did sleep with some people to start the whole playboy thing; but the fact that he never takes of his shirt during sex?

Well, people tends to forget details.

Tony can't blame them honestly; he does too sometimes.

Like the fact that it's only supposed to be a rumour about him being a drunk, arrogant, shithead.

Oh well.

Most people believe everything that the media says.

It's about time Tony starts to be more like others.

(-)

...

Have I ever been happy?

(-)

Tony, once, gave Natasha a broken arm and fractured ribs, as well as a concussion.

It was a mistake.

The team reminds him of that.

He didn't know she was right beside the building with the robot in it.

Not until he saw her try to run away as the building collapsed from his repulsors, the robot going down with it. Of course, because the world hated him, the building fell sideways, right where Natasha was.

A mistake.

But even though it was a mistake, it was just another proof that he is, in fact, an idiot who can do nothing right and god, why can't you be more like Steve? You're useless, boy! Why do you always fuck up?! Why are you so worthless? Stupid, incompetent, child... 

Tony starts to believe Howard was right all along.

(-)

...

When did I stop caring about anything? 

(-)

Pepper and Rhodey were both lifelines to Tony.

Two completley different persons and yet, they had the same affect on Tony.

While Rhodey was a calm river, Pepper was a raging fire. Both of them had their ways of handling Tony and both of them mostly suceeded.

There were (of course) times when they couldn't deal with him and there were (of course) times when they fought. But it worked out in the end.

Until he was stupid enough to destory everything (like always).

Is it a bad thing he isn't surprised how he can fuck up so badly? (Because he really isn't). 

(-)

I don't think I can feel anything anymore.

(-)

Aunt Peggy was a fantastic woman.

Tony doesn't know what he did to deserve her kindness, her care.

He doesn't know why he deserves anything good.

(-)

I'm cold.

(-)

There was a time when Tony thought in happy endings. When he believed that everything would turn out good. When he had hope for a bright future.

Now he can just hope he can go through the whole day without breaking.

(-)

What even am I?

(-)

In reality, Tony doesn't care his soulmates are who they are.

For all he cared, his soulmate could have been a nobody, someone with an ordinary life, an ordinary look, a normal person.

The punch in the face wasn't who they were.

It was the fact that they didn't need him.

Can a monster disguise itself as a human if it thinks it is one? 

(-)

When Natalie turned out to be Natasha, Tony didn't even get surprised.

That says more about Tony's own experiences with people than Natasha's acting skills.

(-)

Am I worth anything other than the things I make? 

(-)

Tony wishes he could rip his soulmark out.

Tony wishes he never got one.

Tony wishes soulmarks didn't exist.

...

Tony wishes Bucky and Steve died during the war.

...

Tony wishes he could stop feeling so guilty over his wishes.

(-)

Am I going insane?

(-)

Tony can remember days when he was younger and Obie would give him the pieces he needed for his work, but couldn't ask his Howard, because Howard... well. Was Howard. So Obie would hand it to him behind his back, or when his dad was in another room, smile and wink at him briefly, before acting like it didn't happen. Always making sure Howard never noticed.

Tony sometimes thinks it's his fault Obie turned out the way he did.

He can still feel his arc reactor, his heart, getting ripped out in some of his dreams.

(-)

I'm tired.

(-)

Tony sometimes feels as though ants are crawling on him, under his skin, in his bones, on his skin. As if his lungs are constricting, heaving, too large, too small and in the way, mind running, fuzzy, what is he even thinking? Is he thinking? Is he alive? Is he moving? Crawling, running, walking, hiding, something blooming in him, ready to burst open, bones snapping and turning inside out, scratching him from inside, growing in size, sucking in all the air-

Then he can breathe, a sharp pain slicing through his body as air fills his lungs, his head killing him, body shaking from adrenaline and he's-

Disappointed.

Always so disappointed.

(-)

I'm so, so tired. 

(-)

The bots, in all their imperfection, are perfect. Tony have never, and will never, change them in any way that could twist their personality.

They're perfect. They're broken and wrongly coded and they're perfect.

Tony didn't even know that you can be jealous of robots.

(-)

...

I wish someone was here.

(-)

Rhodey doesn't have a soulmark.

Tony can't help but think Rhodey is the lucky one.

(-)

...

I shouldn't want anyone here. 

(-)

Tony's friends didn't remember.

It wasn't their fault.

It was... It was a normal day.

A perfectly normal day.

The sun was out.

The sky was blue.

The team had a nice, relaxing night out.

A perfectly normal day.

And so, Tony ate his cake alone, with the company of his bots, in the workshop.

Like, he did, last year. And the year before that. Because Pepper was either busy or they had broken up. Rhodey didn't have time. Sure, they sent their presents. But they weren't there.

But it's fine, Tony thought.

After all, it's a perfectly normal day.

Nothing special.

...

Yeah. 

It's a normal day and he doesn't care.

...

The memories of his birthdays the last two years still hurts.

(-)

...

I don't deserve to get help.

(-)

"Tony? Why aren't you answering? I've been trying to contact you for days and..."

Click.

"Tony, this isn't funny. Pepper said she hasn't heard anything from you in weeks..."

Click.

"Tony, seriously, what are you doing? I'm gone for two months on a mission and suddenly, you won't speak to me. Is it because the fight before I left? Because I didn't mean to punch you and..."

Click.

"Have you even listened to any of my mes..."

Click.

"Tony, please answer. You're really scaring me..."

Click.

"Peppers and I are getting really worried. Please, just answer..."

Click.

""Cap says you aren't in the tower anymore, so where on earth are-"

Click.

"Tony, are you okay? I..."

CLICK.

...

Oh Rhodey.

You really shouldn't care.

(-)

...

I want this.

(-)

Pepper tries to call him.

He doesn't answer.

Tony ignores the messages she leaves.

...

Tony has never felt this alone before.

(-)

I want this.

(-)

Tony wonders how Natasha, Clint and Phil makes it works.

He wonders if one of them feels left behind sometimes.

He wonders if it could actually work between him, Steve and Bucky.

...

Sometimes, Tony gets the most ridicoulus ideas.

(-)

I want this. 

(-)

Tony misses his bots. And his workplace. And food. And his friends. 

...

But were they ever your friends?

(-)

I want this.

(-)

He dreams about laughter and smiles, the feeling of belonging and being torn apart while Yinsen watches.

...

He likes this dream.

(-) 

I-

I want this.

(-)

He stays in bed and doesn't move. He can't move.

He's so tired.

(-)

Yes, I want this. 

(-)

He dreams of flying, higher and higher, so high he can almost reach the sun, his wings taking him there.

He dreams of wings getting ripped off and falling, never landing.

He dreams of broken laughters and shouting and darkness and the sense of something closing in on him.

He dreams of pain coursing through his body and wishing to die.

He dreams of screaming and crying and pain.

He dreams of being scared and alone and hopeless and tired and hungry and...

...

Tony doesn't know if he is dreaming anymore.

(-)

I want this.

(-)

Tony wonders what it's like being dead.

You see, he has always been curious about a lot of things. Death is one of the things he is curious about.

...

Tony doesn't know why he doesn't feel happy, knowing he probably will soon get his answer.

(-)

I know I want this.

(-)

He dreams of his soulmark burning and Steve and Bucky staring at him, accusingly and silently.

There's no sound excpect his own screaming.

(-)

I-

I think I want this.

(-)

Tony miss feeling human.

(-)

I deserve this. 

(-)

Tony miss feeling alive.

(-)

I-

...

...

...

I don't want this.

(-)

...

(-)

Tony can remember Pepper's smile.

...

Tony can remember laughing with Rhodey.

...

Tony can remember creating U, DUM-E and Butterfinger.

...

Tony can remember JARVIS speaking for the first time.

...

 Tony can remember those few movie night he attented. 

...

... 

... 

Tony can remember being happy.

(-)

... 

I don't want this

... 

(-) 

... 

I DON'T WANT THIS

 ... 

(-) 

...

(-)

Tony breathes in.

He breathes out.

He closes his eyes for a second.

He can remember what Rhodey said in the phone message.

Pepper and I are getting really worried.

...

He straightens his back. He stares at his phone. He swallows.

... 

Pepper and I are getting really worried.

...

He presses the button.

Ring.

...

Ring.

...

Ri-

"Tony?"

Tony swallows.

Pepper and I are getting really worried.

"Rhodey?" Why does his throat feel so dry? He swallows again.

"Tony, are you okay?" Rhodey sounds...scared.

For him. 

Pepper and I are getting really worried.

"Tony?"

Tony thinks about how his limbs feels like stones. About the soulmark. That he hasn't eaten in god knows how long. That he feels alone. That he is afraid.

Pepper and I are getting really worried.

"No," he says slowly.

I don't want to be afraid.

"No, I'm not okay."

(-)

Tony has never been fine.

Not when he was a child.

Not as a teen.

Not as an adult.

Not when he's with friends.

Not when he's in a cave making bombs for criminals.

Not when he's in his workshop.

Not when he's beaten down and crushed on the ground when he fights.

Not when he says he's fine.

Not when he's down.

But, now, when he's on one of the worst low's he's ever been on in his life, he does what he does whenever he's been broken down too pieces, both metaphorically and literally.

...

He picks himself up and fucking does something about it.

Chapter Text

Hi again.
I've updated the first two chapters now. You don't have to read them, but I would recommend you do. I've changed some stuff and added some stuff, especially in the first chapter. If you notice something is wrong with them, like a paragraph is missing or something doesn't make sense, please tell me, because I really want this story to atleast ne ok.
I'm writing the third chapter and my plan is that it will be the last chapter. Don't know when it'll be done. School has started again (on distance, of course) and I'm so freaking behind all of my school work.
I hate quarantine.
Anyway, I hope all of you guys are doing well or are at least ok, that's all for now, so byeeeeeee.