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How do you want me to start this? the day I became what I am? or the day I went to see Nicki after receiving the Dark Gift? or ...everything? I guess I will just explain and confess what I really felt since the beginning. The books are edited for better purposes for the readers and easy sell but it hided all the truth, what I felt and what I did.
October 18 1780, was the night I received the dark gift.
Later That night after me and Nicki came back from the theater, we went to bed, I was scared since I was seeing that white face over and over and that voice in my head "wolf killer" I was losing my mind and I thought It may be because we drank a lot of wine recently or it was just me losing my mind. I told Nicki and he told me about the Commedia dell'arte. It could be but no, I knew inside of me, it was no body coming from Italy to see me act.
We slept together like every night and yes that applies to all aspects - make love and sleep. But specially that night, although I felt scared, he made me feel better with his words and for some reason I felt it was the last time..seeing him. I didn't know why but it was a strange scary feeling. After we just talked for a little bit, on bed, I felt better and he made me smile. ALWAYS, no matter what and how stupid my situation was, either about my fears or whatever was the reason, he always was by my side and made me smile. I looked at him, so In love and we kissed and we ended up making love. But, why it felt like if this was the last time? I didn't know but I ignored that feeling. This time, It was so passionate, it was so beautiful, it was all love. Nothing hard or fast. Simply beautiful like our first time. Once it was all done, I lied on top of him, my head on his chest , hugging him and we were talking on what to do next morning, places to visit, taking a day off since we only were working at the theater and we had no time for us, I smiled again feeling his hands on my hair, caressing it. I felt so happy again. I felt so loved and we felt asleep.
Then ...that crack, that push, that sound, those fasts moves, that shadow ...to fast for my eyes, for my mind to process what was happening. whats going on? It was a nightmare? I felt myself screaming out loud but it was too late.. I saw the sky, the night, the cold...the dizziness...did I died? I've heard Nicki calling my name but I was unable to say anything...I was kidnapped and this thing was already stealing my blood, my soul. I didn't want it, I felt I screamed "No!" over and over but apparently nothing came out my mouth. I felt tears rolling down my face. He got me, I couldn't do anything. I passed out.
As you know I woke up on his tower. I thought I was still dreaming , I was so scared, cold and so thirsty. And you know the rest. He drank from me until I almost died, no chance to say not, no chance to ask if I wanted this, nothing, drained to death. Of course I didn't want to die. I was terrified to die. I had no choice. Then I received the Dark Gift. And I still today I exactly don't know why I was chosen. I prayed and I thought about Nicki all the time. What I should do now? I wanted to see him, I wanted to explain, but WHO is gong to believe I'm a damn vampire!. Tales, vampires are tales but I was one! I was getting crazy just thinking about it and it hurt a lot inside of me. I wanted to run back to Paris and see my Nicki...but I didn't want to scare him. It will be insane now if he sees me like this ..me being all white and those fangs. Chills, fears..and I was ALONE. I had no idea what do to, how this works, what will happen? I'm alone here? Are there more like me? could I talk to people again? can? why? what? when? if? and so on I had so many questions, questions that nobody could answer, since I was alone . Magnus killed himself and I just laid there...with all these questions in my head and my body experiencing those changes. I was terrified.
I just did what I thought it was the best since I had no acknowledgment of this new world. I had Nicki the WHOLE time in my mind and I cried, scared of what will happen now. I will lose him? I am this thing now and he.. is just there probably wondering where I am. I could not even think about it. Why Magnus? why you stole me from him and from what I was enjoying doing in my life? WHY?!
I felt a mix of rage and sadness, so deep and now ..bloody tears? what the hell? My image on that mirror, my face tinted in blood...what the hell I am??
Then all those boys in that cell...what I did to get into this and not them? I blamed my self, for some reason I thought my brothers did this against me, my punishment from them , from my father and my brothers. But it couldn't be them but seemed as like when they cursed me and now I was paying for that. What I've done differently than these boys did not do...why me? WHY MAGNUS?
My body was still changing when I went inside that coffin. I had to let my mind to be blank if had to lay and sleep inside of one of these things. Then nothing. I felt asleep or whatever is this stupor that we , vampires, fell every night into.
I woke up and I told myself it was a dream... "Just a dream Lestat". Now when you open your eyes, you will see Nicki by your side, smiling and the small room, It was a dream. I felt my body - see you are still alive - It was a dream Lestat. Well, I opened my eyes and it was dark and when my hand moved to "reach Nicki" there was no Nicki buy the coffin. I was inside that coffin. It was not a dream. Again I felt tears rolling down my face, I laid inside that coffin crying and again asking why. I was scared and I felt hungry. Do I need to kill now? no, please, no but so I had to.
After that, I felt like when I was depressed at home, back in Auvergne, I moved, I smiled, I talked but that "thing" inside of me it never dissipated. Well, this was the same. I moved, I smiled, I faked about my broken soul. I was missing Nicki so much. I wanted to see him but I didn't want to scare him or what to tell him. Until that night. I was just on the other side of the wall of our room, on the roof. My Nicki, my love. I cried like if I was about to kill myself with my tears. I grabbed the stone to try to feel him closer to me, he was playing that song, our song, by the window..Nicki forgive me - I whispered. I stayed there for long time, I couldn't move, I was so broken, lost and I felt I have lost him forever. It hurt so much , That pain inside of me was terrible and I felt it was all my fault. I prayed to whatever it was on my mind at that moment to give me strength for one day to see him again, to talk to him and hopefully he will understand me.
That day came and it was a disaster. And the following days. All that happened after I saw Nicki with my new eyes, I felt it was my fault. Yes, Lestat Its all your fault. I felt shattered in thousand pieces when Nicki started to tell me all those things. "he wanted us to die in Paris, to be unsuccessful and die" I was unable to say a word. I thought of all these days together in our village dreaming about leaving to Paris and we both were so agree and happy. And now he hated me...I felt like my heart and my soul were cut over and over by a huge dagger, I felt bleeding inside like I never felt before. Not even these big fights with my brothers , the ones that almost killed me, hurt as much as Nicki's words. I felt I had lost him, my fault, stupid Lestat as always. I hated myself, I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to die. Too much pain.
And Things got worse and worse around Paris and Nicki, now Armand was around and all his followers. Nicki hated me, Ive heard his words like burning daggers, like burning my heart and soul. He hated me so much and I just thought for the best of both of us, to leave. I didn't want him to see me around and make him hurt even more and I didn't want to be around if he hated me so much. But I still loved him so much. That love never changed inside of me. Ever. No matter what. I loved him and I didn't know why things were like this. The pain I felt was unbearable. Looking at his eyes, it hurt so much. And the last time my eyes met his, I told him I love you without words but I just received rage from him. So I left, I cried night after night after night...then a few months later I received the bad news from Eleni. I cursed myself until that point when curses made no sense. I hated myself like the worst thing on earth. I wanted to die, so I went into earth. Hoping to never ever wake up again.
Then, Marius came, the King and Queen and moved to New Orleans..and again, the same thing. I moved, I talked, I smiled and I killed like nothing happened before but inside was broken, sad, lost...and Im still. I made people think I was and I am recovered but in fact it never faded away . It never went away, I still feel it and will never go away. There is no forgiveness for you Lestat. You deserve this suffering, there is no better punishment than this and you are feeling it every day. Enjoy it, this is your cross to carry forever.