Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You can't sleep. You're uneasy and uncomfortable and you shift too many times trying to find a comfortable position until Magnus rolls over and leaves you to your wakefulness. You can't sleep, with the sounds of the house and the town and the dogs, nothing loud, just little noises, but you can't sleep.

Until you are. And then you're in a town square someplace, some small nameless hamlet with a blacksmith and an inn and a well in the town square. You're in disguise, you look down and these aren't your hands. That's good. You need to keep a low profile when you do this.

The wagon is already set up before you got here. It's colorful, gaudy as hell, which is how you know you're in the right place, and there's already a crowd. Not as big as some places: you saw him in Neverwinter, early on, and then in Bottlenose Cove, but it's a big crowd for a small town. Families, old folks, even a few bored teenagers. You're impressed, but not surprised. Everyone loves him. Everyone should.

There's already a flood of good smells coming from the wagon, and then he throws it open with that flourish. Gods, you've missed him.

You ignore the little tells that something is wrong. The way his ear twitches like it does when he's nervous. The way he snaps at the other person — not her — up there with him. For once just imagine he's happy.

Everyone rushes forward to get their samples, all of them at once, and you do too. You know it's going to taste amazing, you think as you take the little cup of chicken. You can smell the garlic, soft and mellow as if slow-cooked like he used to do on lazy afternoons. You eat.

And then you taste something wrong. And everything tastes like burning and fear. And your hands, your hands are trembling and you can't make them stop. Your whole body hurts and you look at him and you know.

And you try to tell him that you're sorry but your throat doesn't work anymore. And you're terrified but you can't scream as you fall to the ground, as everyone around you is screaming.

At the same time, just before you wake up, you think maybe this is what should have happened.

And then you're awake. That isn't what you really think, is it? Now everything is too quiet, even Magnus’s sleeping is soft and even, nothing to distract from your own thoughts. You can't shake the image of Taako looking down at you, the feeling of being trapped in your poisoned body.

Is that still how you feel? You curl up against him, trying to draw comfort from his warmth. Your bad dreams aside, forty people died. And maybe you could have, maybe you should….

A lot more than forty people, the list that starts with Julia and Maureen and Johann and Bain and Boyland and Brian and Leeman and No-3113 and just keeps going and going. There's those thoughts again, and sleep is completely gone.

You get up, and you go downstairs, and Johann at least is glad you're here. He puts his head under your hand and you skritch him and he leans against you. There's other dogs, but they're asleep. Leave them to their easy doggy dreams.

You sit in the window seat in the library. You start a new list in your head, everyone who is safe now: Taako, asleep with his Kravitz, in the house they share with Lup and Barry; Magnus just upstairs. Merle at the beach with his children, and Angus, and Davenport somewhere at sea. Carey and Killian, Avi, Brad, Alex, Craigory. The horde of interns just arrived on the moon. All the people asleep around you in Ravens Roost. Johann climbs up on the seat beside you and you fall asleep with a hand curled in his hair.

You wake, briefly, and Magnus is draping a blanket over you. You stir and sigh and sleep without dreams.

Chapter Text

“Oh, hey, Creesh, didn’t, uh, didn’t expect you here,” said Barry. The house had fallen silent, with Lucretia on her own, reading a mystery novel. The knock on the door had been so tentative she almost hadn’t heard it. Barry stood on the front step and she waved him in.

“Well, Magnus persuaded me to take a ‘mental health day’,” she replied with air quotes.

“So I guess that uh, explains why, um, why Taako was home last night.”

She winced. “Oh, well, I didn’t mean to disrupt anyone’s plans.”

“No big.” He shrugged. “Didn’t get home till after dinner anyhow, then he and Krav went to bed pretty early. Mags around?”

“He’s just gone out to the market. Would you like a glass of water, or I could make us some coffee? If you wanted to wait until he gets back, I mean.”

“Sure, Creesh, coffee’d be real nice.”

“I hope you don’t mind the Fantasy Keurig. I’ve brought over an extra french press, but he never keeps beans around, so….”

“Don’t worry about me. As long as it’s not, you know, one of those —”

She chuckles.

“I won’t make red velvet coffee, if that’s what you mean.”

He laughed as he followed her into the kitchen. She plucked a capsule of something labeled Goldcliff’s Best Coffee and dropped it into the machine.

“I seem to be making a habit of this,” she said, looking out into the yard. She got two mugs out of the cupboard: deliberately not the Moon’s Best Director mug, just a pair of plain cups.

“Hm?”

“Just this whole — being here by myself when you all are coming to see Magnus at his place.”

“Your place, too,” said Barry mildly.

She frowned at him as if seeing him for the first time. He shrugged.

“I mean, it is, right? I'm not saying anything, uh, out of turn here. Not like, not like anybody, you know, could really say otherwise?”

“You'd think that,” she said. “Still doesn't feel like it, though.”

“Taak say anything to you?”

“Not about that, no.”

He took his cup and sipped at it, nodding thoughtfully.

“Well, if it's not Taako, and it's not any of the rest of us….”

She gave him a long searching look. It continued to be impossible to tell that he was a lich — or maybe now he was something entirely different, now that he was in the Raven Queen’s service?

In a soft voice, almost to herself, she asked, “Do you think she's at peace?”

“You asking me if Maggie's dead wife would let you live in his house? Is that in my official capacity or just as a friend?”

She shook her head.

“Never mind, weird question, I'm just…. How is Taako, anyway? He seem good to you last night?”

He shrugged. “You know, Taako. If I'm being honest, it’s always been hard to tell, and not gotten any easier. Ought to ask Lup if you really want to know.” He paused. She put in a second cup of the same coffee. “Why, you two have another heart-to-heart?”

“Something like that.” She breathed out heavily through her nose.

“Huh.” He took another drink, looked around the kitchen. “You took a sick day, Taako came home not saying much. Must've been a doozy. Not too bad, though, you're both still standing and none of the furniture got busted.”

She started to laugh, then thought of his tears in the pool, the way he dismissed the idea that anyone could help or even understand.

“I told him I thought he should talk to Lup.”

“Jeez, Creesh.” He grimaced at the dregs of the coffee, or maybe at her. “Just go all Tom Bodett and jump in front of a train or something.”

“I know, I know.” A sigh. “ I know. ” She added sugar and cream to her coffee. “But Barry, I can't, I just. I didn't think he hadn't talked to her about it. How does that….”

He shook his head.

“I mean, I’ve talked to her, Barry.” She set the coffee down on the counter.

“Mmhmm.” He gave her a look.

“Okay, a little bit. But that’s more than nothing .”

He sighed and clicked his tongue against his back teeth.

“You two, I swear.” He popped another cup into the machine. “It’s just Lup.” He blushed then, with a familiar fond smile and distant look. “Well, anyway, she’s...you both have it built up like some kinda thing . And that’s not healthy, Creesh, not for either of you.”

“I’m doing better,” she protested faintly.

He harrumphed, not unkindly.

“I know.” He put a hand on her shoulder. She flinched, then relaxed into it. “We know you’ve been trying, hon.”

Her breath shook as she said, “And he insisted I stay over, he insisted, like I — and he —” She can’t talk about it yet, what he said to her: We can try to make something new. And: I’m sorry.

Barry turned her to face him.

“C’mon, Creesh, Lucretia, hon.” Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes as she blinked too fast. “Aw jeez. Deep breath. Come here.” He opened his arms and she cried into his shoulder. “You talk to Magnus?” She shook her head without looking at him. He chuckled. “Figures.”

She pulled away from him, gently.

“I keep thinking I can fix things,” she said.

He handed her the cup of coffee. She sniffled and took a drink.

“This really isn’t very good coffee,” she said with a sigh.

“What are you gonna do?” he replied. “It’s coffee, anyway. Listen, it’s better now, right?”

She nodded.

“He’s gonna…. He’s gonna take things at his pace, and you’re right. It’s not a thing you get to fix.” He tapped her forehead. “Always want to fix everything so damn bad, you had to try fixing the whole world. How’d that work out for you?”

She gave a weak and liquidy laugh.

“So how about maybe you talk to Lup, and let Taako figure himself out when he’s ready?”

They were interrupted by barking, then a voice from the other room: “You making my best girl cry, Bluejeans?”

“It’s fine, Magnus,” she said. “We were just —”

Barry gave her his best serious look. She took a deep breath.

“You told me to come check on that headboard, Burnsides, and you left this pretty lady here all by her lonesome.”

“Oh, right, that was today! Come on into the shop and you can take a look. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s quite done. That was a lot of scrollwork what with all the skulls.”

As Barry walked ahead of them, Magnus turned a concerned gaze on Lucretia. You okay , he mouthed. She just gave a little shrug.

“How about I go check it out?” said Barry, without a backwards glance.

“Sure, sure, okay,” said Magnus distractedly. They stopped in the back hall and he touched her cheek. “What’s going on, Luce?”

“I guess I’m still a little shook up from yesterday?” She stared at the buttons of his shirt.

“Are you going to tell me about it, or do I have to wait” — he mimed looking at a wristwatch — “until approximately the heat death of the universe for Taako to say something?”

She chuckled.

“Okay, okay, I’ll try, I promise.”

Barry stepped back into the house from the shop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Magnus, it looks fantastic, really.”

“Sturdy enough?” Magnus asked with a overly broad wink and a nudge. Barry blushed from the roots of his hair all the way down into his collar.

“So, uh, while I was looking, uh, Lup called. Thought maybe we’d get some lunch together, if you all don’t have any other plans?”

Magnus glanced at Lucretia.

“I could go for a nosh,” she said. “That little place by the farmer’s market?”

Barry said into his stone, “Yeah, babe, they’re cool,” and then came that reality-tearing sound and Lup stepped out, her scythe immediately dematerializing as she threw her arms around Lucretia. Her hug was tight, ferocious, as if she knew how much Lucretia needed it.

“Babe, you doing okay?” she murmured into Lucretia’s ear.

“I've been better,” Lucretia replied. Lup laughed, as Lucretia had intended, but she shook her head as they separated. Lucretia looked down and Lup pressed her forehead against Lucretia’s.

“Do you want to talk?” she asked.

Lucretia sighed, then nodded, not trusting herself to speak quite yet. Lup took her arm.

“Alright, let’s get some lunch, kids; I’m ravenous!” She squeezed Lucretia’s arm tightly. “And then some girl time.” Lucretia smiled and relaxed into Lup’s side as the four of them headed out the door.

Chapter Text

Lup slipped an arm into Lucretia’s as they walked into the farmer’s market.

“So.” Lup made a little popping noise with her mouth. It reminded Lucretia of Taako in the old days. “Barry tells me you and Koko had another little talk?”

She'd almost hoped that Lup would forget to ask her about it. But of course she'd remembered. Not much escaped Lup.

“We did. I— He— It was… An accident? I stayed longer than I meant to, and Magnus was late, and…. Did he talk to you about it?”

Lup looked sad. She shook her head. Lucretia winced, then sighed.

“I thought maybe, well…. I suppose that's between you and him.”

“Yeah.” Lup's voice was tight, then she let out a breath. “But you, how are you doing?”

“I think I've been sorry about the wrong things,” she said. Lup’s eyebrows went up, but she didn’t say anything. “We talked about…. You know I saw Sizzle It Up?” Lup made a small thoughtful noise. “Yeah, twice, and the second time?” She took a breath, stopped walking for a second to pretend to look at a display of jars of honey, then looked at Lup. “It was pretty awful, Lu. He was…. What if I’d done something then, when I saw him?”

“Oh babe.” Lup squeezed her arm. “You can’t— He’s the one who told me once that there’s only decisions. And at the time, well, it kinda made me mad, like way to take responsibility, dingus. But y’know, I had a lot of time to think, and he wasn’t wrong.”

It was Lucretia’s turn to make a noncommittal noise.

“No, really. You made the decisions you did— and don’t get me twisted, hon, you did some stuff that was….” Lup shook her head. “ You know, I know you do. You made the decisions you did based on who you were at the time and what you had to work with. That’s all any of us have, honestly.” They started walking again. “And it didn’t turn out too bad, did it?” She looked around the market full of people, stalls full of beautiful food and crafts. Behind them, someone whispered Is that…? And their companion replied, Don’t stare.

“I suppose.” She thought again about everything Taako had said about talking to Lup, about not talking to Lup: he didn’t want to disturb her happiness, and something else. A fear, perhaps, that she wouldn’t understand his pain? “Are you happy?”

“Gods, Creesh, you go that hard with Ko? No wonder—” She stopped, looking a bit abashed.

“No wonder what?”

“Nothing, just— Yeah, I’d say I’m pretty happy. Ups and downs, but it’s good. Why?”

“Oh, it’s…” It’s not her place to say it, she thought. As Barry had said, she needed to leave it to them to work out themselves. “I’m glad. You all, you and Barry, you and Taako, seems like you put your family back together. I’m glad.”

Lup sighed.

“It’s not the same without you around all the time, babe. We miss you— honestly, I think he misses you, not that he’d ever, absolutely ever say so.”

“Hm.” It was so much to her just that when she wished could erase herself, that he said he didn’t want that. There’s a part of her for which even that was enough. “He said he was willing to try, to, you know….” She waved her free hand, not entirely sure what they’re going to try to do.

“That’s good, right?” It reminded her of Magnus after that earlier conversation she’d had with Taako in his kitchen. Both of them, trying to look towards the future, trying to see the best in it.

“Yes? Yes. Better. It’s not as though either of us is especially good at this, you know.”

“Oh no, someone might possibly make Taako or Lucretia talk about their feelings , whatever will they do?!” Lup rolled her eyes, but with a fond smile. Lucretia shoved her ever so slightly.

“Yes, well, catch me doing it again, if you’re going to be like that about it.”

They stopped in front of a booth: some of the first strawberries of the season. Lup looked them over with an appraising eye before picking out a pint. Before they continued walking, Lup handed her a berry; they ate as they strolled.

“You know we’re all pulling for you to work this out, right?” said Lup finally. Lucretia shook her head.

“I can’t say that I entirely understand why ,” she replied. “We’ve spent half a dozen years being…. Like this, and we’ve been civil...mostly.” She frowned, trying to gather her thoughts. “I’m not saying I don’t appreciate it. Just feels…” She shrugged.

Lup stopped short, letting the crowd move around them. She swallowed the bite of strawberry.

“Creesh. For fuck’s sake. You’re doing the thing again.”

Lucretia, still mid-stride, stopped and turned to face her.

“Which thing?”

“The thing where you don’t realize that your friends actually notice and care about you, and you know, want you to be happy. ”

“I am happy.”

Lup looked up at the underside of the farmers’ market roof, pursing her lips.

“Okay, let’s say for the sake of argument that that’s true. Which, sure, you’ve got Mags, you and little Dangus are good, you’ve got this big important work you’re doing. But you and Taako were besties for so long, babe. And you feel bad ‘cause you think you broke him. And he feels bad because he thinks he is broken. And shit, I know he’s dealing with a lot, still, even though he doesn’t talk to me about it, don’t think I don’t notice that shit.”

“Did he—? Because I said he should, and then Barry said it was none of my business.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not what Barry said, and no, he still hasn’t, and I can’t even believe you tried to talk to him about that, that’s, that’s almost too wild even for you. What I’m trying to say, though, is that having this—” Lup waved a strawberry in the air, almost flinging it away with the ferocity of her gesturing. “This whatever is just bad, it’s bad for both of you, and the sooner you deal with it, the better.” She bit the berry away from the hull, her teeth almost clacking with the intensity. As she chewed and swallowed, her brow furrowed. “I mean, ultimately it’s your business, right? And time, and patience, blah blah blah. But….” She stepped forward and leaned into Lucretia, who pressed her forehead to Lup’s in the old familiar way. “I’m glad,” she said, her voice softer. “It’s good that you’re trying, that he’s trying. And we are pulling for you, and if there’s anything we can do…. If there’s anything I can do, you’ll tell me, right? Promise?”

Lucretia smiled. “Promise.”