Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Connor hummed softly, leaning out of his window as he finished off his joint, mentally preparing himself. Just one day , he told himself. One day and you’re home free .

“Connor, get down here for breakfast. You’re going to be late,” Larry’s agonizingly disinterested voice came from downstairs. Connor rolled his eyes and shut his window. He sprayed himself with a bit of cologne, as useless as the attempt may be, and trugged downstairs.

“Here’s a concept,” Connor said, interrupting whatever boring conversation was going on at the kitchen table. He sat down at his post and leaned back nonchalantly in his chair. “You guys let me miss today, and I’ll go tomorrow- no questions asked.”

Larry glanced up from his newspaper, Zoe visibly rolled her eyes before finishing off her glass of orange juice. She got up, probably to get a box of cereal. Cynthia came from behind him with a soft sigh, pouring more coffee into Larry’s cup.

“It’s senior year Connor, you are not missing the first day,” Cynthia said. Connor rested his head on his hand, closing his eyes. He wasn’t going to win this battle- but fuck it he could try.

“I said I’d go tomorrow. Look, I’m trying to find a compromise here,” Connor said. He fidgeted with his hands, his leg shaking just a bit. He could be told he had to go to school, but didn’t mean he would. Granted, chances were Zoe would snitch on him if she didn’t see him throughout the day. Did he care though? Chances were after this he’d never be seen again.

Larry and Cynthia were arguing, without a doubt probably about Connor and his proposal to stay home. He almost regretted getting high this morning. He was already worked up enough as it was, this was just adding fuel to the flame. He stared down at the stack of napkins on the center of the table.

He wished he could be a napkin. Those could just be used once and then thrown away, or chucked in the firepit. What a life- to just be a napkin, sitting on the table waiting to be used. He’d be a baby blue one, probably, like the ones Cynthia had gotten for Larry’s birthday BBQ party back in July. Not only were those napkins baby blue, but they said Good times with Hamburgers and Cake . They were stupid napkins, but they made all the elderly people laugh.

“He’s not listening. Look at him, he’s probably high,” Larry said. Connor rolled his eyes. Oh yeah. Just assume shit about someone when you don’t have any evidence to support your stupid decision.  

“He’s definitely high,” Zoe commented, just having to put in her two cents.

“Fuck you!” Connor shouted, putting his head down on the table. He didn’t want to go, it was that simple! Did it have to warrant this much drama? Well, of course it did. What was the Murphy family if there wasn’t yelling every morning?

“Fuck you!” Zoe shouted back. Cynthia was quick to intervene.

“Zoe, I do not need you picking on Connor right now- he’s probably just stressed… besides, he’s not high,” Cynthia said.

At least someone was on his side.

Connor slowly lifted his head and looked over to Cynthia. Her face twisted into a frown. Connor put his head back down.

“Are you high?” she asked. Connor didn’t answer, she knew what it was anyways.

“Connor,” she said helplessly. “I do not want you going to school high.”

“Perfect! Then I won’t go. Thanks Mom!” Connor said, finally lifting his head from the table. He stood up quickly, a little too quickly, and stormed off, grabbing his bag from under the table.

As he made his way back up to his room, he heard the family go back to talking about their days. Zoe announced that Connor finished the milk, which he did not . He did not even touch the milk this morning.

It was eight am now. Just sixteen hours and he was done. Sixteen hours and Connor wouldn’t have to deal with any of this anymore. No more yelling, no more fighting. No more getting high, no more criticism. No more anything. Sixteen hours and it will be September Fourth, and Connor will be wherever the universe decides to put him.

Connor tucked his weed in his bag, safely behind his shut door. He didn’t plan on smoking anything more today, but he knew if he left it behind it would be gone by time he got home.

There was a soft knock on the door. Connor cringed at the sound and dropped down onto his bed. He knew he’d have to go- he wasn’t stupid. Zoe needed a drive. Actually, Connor might need to drive with her.

Cynthia came in and sat down on the edge of Connor’s bed, resting her hand on Connor’s thigh. Connor jerked away and glared a her, before rolling onto his other side.

“Connor, I don’t want you going to school high but… if you’re high- you’re high! You’ve gotta go to school,” she said in that sickeningly sweet voice that she always did when she wanted him to do something. It was like she was talking to a fucking three year old.

Last time Connor checked, he was not a three year old.

“I don’t want to,” Connor said.

“Connor, I know you don’t… We all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes though,” Cynthia said. “Besides I’m not home today. There will be no one here to be with you.”

“I can stay here alone,” Connor snapped. “Is that not a possibility?”

He sat up quickly and turned to face his mother. Her face said whatever she was going to say. Connor could not be trusted with staying home alone. What did she think he was going to do? Probably what he was going to do.

“Whatever, I’ll go,” Connor snapped, getting up off the bed. He didn’t let her get another word in as he grabbed his bag and went downstairs.

Zoe was waiting in the car alright. She was sitting on the driver's seat, which made perfect sense. He hated how she drove, but he wouldn’t say a word about it. She just wanted to get to school, Connor just wanted to leave. The bright side of each of them having a set of keys; Connor could leave whenever he wanted without her.

Zoe cranked her shitty music loud enough to warrant a groan from Connor. Zoe rolled her eyes, but neither of them spoke. Connor clenched his jaw. Maybe he was overreacting, but he could not stand anything that came out of the speakers when Zoe drove. The headache he had didn’t help either.

Connor was out of the car and inside the school before Zoe had a chance to park.

The benefit of being feared by the entire school was that no one bothered you. It sucked at times, knowing that everyone moves out of your way in the hallway just so they don’t risk a glare or a comment. Connor never physically fought anyone. Never in his life has he thrown a punch. The only act of physical violence was one time in the second grade- he didn’t even know what happened. According to literally anyone, he threw a printer at his teacher. How a second grader managed to throw a fucking printer, well, Connor had no clue. He did it though!

He knew no one was looking at him, but he could feel thousands of eyes burrowing into his skull. He clenched his jaw again, staring ahead of him as he tried to just make it to his destination which, now that he thought about it, was nowhere.  

“Hey! Connor, nice hair length… very… school shooter chic,” some idiot said. Connor stared blankly at him. All he wanted was to just be left alone. Was that too much to ask?

. “It was a joke,” he added stupidly. Connor furrowed his eyebrows.   

“Oh yeah. It was very funny,” Connor scoffed. “I’m laughing so hard right now,” he added sarcastically. The kid looked shocked that Connor didn’t like his joke.

“Am I not laughing hard enough for you?!” he snapped, walking towards the guy. He wasn’t looking for a fight. He wasn’t looking for trouble. He just wanted to get the fuck away from all these idiots. The guy, who’s name was something like Gerard ( Kleinman? ), scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“You’re such a freak,” he muttered before leaving.

The kid who was standing next to Kleinman laughed. Connor hadn’t even known he was there. Connor clenched his fists.

“What are you laughing at?” Connor barked. The kid looked horrified.

“N-no! No, I just uh, I just…”

“I’m not the freak!” Connor shouted. “You’re the fucking freak!”

All the frustration from the last couple days just bubbled to the surface. Before he even thought about it, he stormed passed him and shoved the kid to the ground. He wasn’t a physical person, but he didn’t feel bad about it. As far as he was concerned, he deserved it. If he didn’t, he took one for the team and got what everyone surrounding Connor deserved.

He pushed open the door to one of the fire exits, ready to just leave and go anywhere but here. Of course he was stopped by Zoe clearing her throat from behind him.

Connor groaned and turned around to look at her.

“What do you want?” he asked. Zoe rolled her eyes.

“You’re a cruel, cruel person Connor,” she said. “You better not be leaving right now. You have classes right away and I’ll tell mom.”

Zoe crossed her arms and cocked her hip to the side.

Connor ran a hand through his hair.

“Whatever. Yeah. I’ll go to class,” Connor said.

“Go on then. Chances are your classes aren’t out the fire exit,” Zoe said. Connor rolled his eyes and shoved his hands in his pockets before pushing past her.

“ You’re such a bitch ,” he muttered once Zoe was out of earshot.

He sat in silence during his first period. His social teacher put him in the front row and it was skin crawling. He could feel every set of eyes on him. There was whispering, probably not about him but most likely about him.

At the end of class, he for sure heard a group of girls talking about hair behind him. One of the girls said something about ‘his hair is too thin for that kind of style honestly ’ then another put in her two cents and they all giggled. Connor bit the inside of his lip.

He put his hood up and made his way down the hall, gripping onto the strap of his bag.

Just… fourteen hours. Fourteen hours more. He could do this without doing anything else stupid. He closed his eyes and stopped at his locker.

A teacher walked by and said, “hood off please.” Connor didn’t listen at first, but then she repeated herself and Connor took it off, smoothing his hair out. His hair was stupid.

He glanced around. Zoe was just down the hallway, standing with a group of friends. They made eye contact for a brief second before Connor slammed his locker shut, making his way to his next class.

That was girl was like a fucking magnet. She always knew where he was. Mom and Dad’s little watchdog.

He sat in the back of the classroom of Mr Henry Kelly’s physics class, arms crossed over each other. Him and Mr Kelly had a very shitty past. He was an old, foul man who probably taught his parents back in the day. It wasn’t Connor’s fault he sucked at physics and it wasn’t his fault he always skipped last period last year to get high instead of going to his stupid class.  Connor had other interests other than distance over speed equals gravitational pull or whatever the fuck physics was about.

He didn’t even know why he was taking the damn class again.

The bell rang and the class settled down. Connor tucked one of his earbuds in, using his hair to hide it from plain sight.

Mr Kelly slowly went through the names on the list, not bothering to look up at which student called out here when their name was called.

There was a loud sigh, before Kelly looked up to the rest of the class.

“Should I even bother calling Connor Murphy’s name?” he asked. A small wave of laughter spread throughout the class and Connor fidgeted with the wire of his headphones.

“Yeah I’m here,” he called out, tacking “ asshole ” on the end, just under his breath.

Kelly made a sound of approval (more like shock) before continuing on with the stupid list. Connor put his other earbud in and closed his eyes, running his hand down his face.

Thirteen and a half hours and he was done. Home free.

He didn’t hear a single word Mr Kelly said, and he was the very first person out of the classroom and down the hall when the bell rang.

Connor made his way down to his locker before walking down the hallway. He could spend his lunch hour getting high under the bleachers and then after school he’d take the car and leave Zoe to walk home and he’d be gone.

He paused as he passed the computer lab, just beside the library.

He sighed heavily as he watched the kid he had pushed over type something. The printer went off next to the door and Connor took a hesitant step into the classroom.

If he was never going to be seen again, he wanted to do at least one nice thing for someone.

The kid was still sitting at the computer desk, staring blankly ahead of him. Connor gnawed on his lip. He grabbed the piece of paper and glanced down at it. Dear Evan Hansen . Evan Hansen- yeah, that sounded like that was the kids name. It rang a bell, somewhere in the back of Connor’s mind.

He hesitantly approached him, as if the kid was going to crumble to ash if Connor touched him.

Connor looked down at the letter, before putting his hand to his side.

He asked how he broke his arm, but the words didn’t come out at all. Instead his mouth just moved. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“How’d you uh, break it?” Connor asked, pointing to the kid- Evan’s arm. As if he didn’t know what Connor was talking about . Evan visibly jumped and Connor felt his stomach drop. It shouldn’t have surprised him. He was that kind of person but…

“Sorry?” Evan asked. The kid looked like he was about to cry.

“Your arm?”

“Oh! I uh, fell out of a tree.” Evan looked down at his cast. Connor raised his eyebrows and he couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“Well… that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” he said, a hint of humor to his voice. Evan blushed and nodded. Connor found himself staring at Evan’s cast. Evan said something, but none of it processed.

“No one’s signed it,” Connor pointed out. Evan’s face dropped again and he shrugged.

“No I uh, I know,” Evan said.

“I could sign it?” Connor said. Evan hesitated.  

“Oh no you really don’t have to do that-” Evan said.

Connor dismissed it. He was signing that damn cast and doing something nice for someone. Why he wanted to do this, he had no idea but he was doing it.

“Do you have a sharpie?” Connor asked. Evan nodded and pulled one out of his back pocket.

Connor tugged on the cast, internally cringing as Evan let out a painful yelp. He mentally apologized to him, before writing his name on Evan’s cast. He figured no one else was going to sign it, so he decided to sign it as large as he could.

Evan didn’t like it. Connor knew it from the second he put the lid on the sharpie back and Evan looked at it. Why would he like it though? He had the school psycho's name on his arm now. Why did Connor do that?

“Oh uh, thanks,” Evan said, though his voice lacked gratefulness. Granted, Connor didn’t know what grateful sounded like.

“Now we can both pretend we have friends,” Connor said with a small smile, handing Evan the sharpie. Evan nodded subtly and smiled. It almost looked like he was about to say something, but Connor cut him off.

“Is this yours?” Connor asked. “It says your name on the top- Dear Evan Hansen, that’s your name right?” he said, holding the paper towards Evan.

“Oh! Yeah it was a uh, an assignment,” Evan said. Connor was about to hand it back, but one of the lines caught his eye. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked from the letter to Evan.

“Because there’s Zoe?” Connor said. That same frustration was bubbling up once again. “You wrote this ‘cause you saw me in here, right? So you could tell everyone how I lashed out over nothing- that I made a fool of myself, right?” Connor asked bitterly. The words didn’t feel real. He thought maybe Evan would be the one kid out of everyone in this fucking school who wouldn’t pick on him one way or another.

Evan tried to justify his case but Connor wasn’t having any of it.

“Well that’s not going to fucking happen Hansen! Fuck you,” Connor spat. There was a split second before he shoved Evan to the ground again. He instantly regret it, but he pushed the feelings to the side. This kid was just like every other asshole at this school. Just because he had a stutter and no friends didn’t make him any different.

“ Of course the world is just filled with assholes ” Connor muttered. He haphazardly folded up the note and tucked it into his pocket.

Just under thirteen hours and he was gone.

He didn’t need to be here. He didn’t see Zoe hunting him like a hawk. He left through the nearest exit and just walked. Connor left the car and just walked.

He lit a cigarette as he walked. Gradually his walking slowed to an average pace. He found a small path around the back of some houses and he walked down it, switching his cigarette out for a joint.

He wanted to do one nice thing. Just one. Of course he was big scary Connor Murphy and he couldn’t do that. Maybe it was better off this way though. He lived his life being an asshole surrounded by other assholes, so naturally that was how he was going to go.

Connor refused to refer to his plans as what it was. That just made it real. He wanted it to be real, he did, but it still hadn’t fully processed. He had been planning this since June. He waited so long because he thought September wouldn’t come. It did though, and he was going to follow through.

No letter, and across town in a park where they wouldn’t think to look. They wouldn’t look anyways. Connor could disappear for a week and a half without a word and no one would care. They’d probably all be relieved.

If it weren’t for the fact that he had left his bottle of pills at home, he wouldn’t even bother going back there. He didn’t want to see any of them, and surely they didn’t want to see him.

He gripped his joint as the path led him back to the back field of the school. A gym class was running around the track. Connor let his jaw relax.

He left to get away from the school, not to come back to it. At least now he was a bit buzzed.

He walked passed the class without a single person batting their eye. It would take him an hour and a half to get home if he walked quick enough. He could get his things and leave before Zoe got back if he hurried.

It wasn’t like he was going back to the school anyways.

Connor turned his music up as loud as it would go as he walked, picking up his pace until he was passed the school, out of eye distance.

Connor listened to a lot of laid back indie type music, of course with the occasional punk band thrown in there. Most of them were artists no one had heard about. The downside to all of this was that, combined with his shitty dollar store headphones, was that the maximum volume on his phone wasn’t nearly enough to block out the rest of the world.

It actually took him two hours to get back home. No one was home when he got there. Cynthia would be out until four- aquasize with her friends- and Larry was off doing important business man stuff.

He picked the lock to his parents bedroom and grabbed his medication from the bathroom, before grabbing a bottle of leftover painkillers just as a precaution. He tucked the two into his sweaters pocket before leaving, making sure to lock his parent’s room once again.

His phone buzzed as he sat in the kitchen. He still had time before he needed to leave. The bus he planned on taking didn’t come until four anyways.

From Zoe: If youre not outside in five minutes im leaving without you .

To Zoe: no need sis, I’m already home :)

From Zoe: you skipped didnt you?

To Zoe: :)  

Connor tucked his phone away in his pocket. He filled up a water bottle and put it on the counter. Oh what he’d give to be the kind of person who could dry swallow pills but no, he needed water to do it.

He debated grabbing some sort of bag, but decided against it. It was just a water bottle. He could hold onto it.

His phone buzzed twice but Connor ignored it. He went up to his room and plugged it in before laying on his bed, putting the water bottle on bedside table. He’d wait a few minutes and then go before Zoe got home.

Of course, that never happened. Somehow he found himself sitting at the dinner table, not saying a single word as he picked at the canned peas on his plate. He should have left when he had the chance. He hadn’t been caught with stealing the pills which were still in his pocket, the bottles stuffed with toilet paper so the pills wouldn’t rattle as he moved around.

“Connor you’re awfully quiet,” Cynthia said. Connor looked up to her and forced a small smile. She frowned.

“How was school?” she asked.

Eight hours and he was out of their lives for good.

“Connor wouldn’t know,” Zoe stepped in. She looked directly at Connor. “Connor skipped over half of the day.”

Connor glared at her before looking back to his food.

“You skipped? Connor,” Cynthia said, her disapproving motherly tone seeping into Connor’s skin. Connor scowled before shaking his head. He stood up from the table without a word and went to his room.

He ignored the entire family calling him to come back down, then the hushed whispers of Cynthia telling Zoe to apologize for being so rude.

Connor rolled his eyes and grabbed his water bottle, phone and the one bus ticket he had taken from Cynthia’s purse earlier today.

He managed to sneak out the front door as everyone was bickering. He could have sworn he heard Cynthia call out to him, but it was probably to keep him from going out and there was no way he was staying inside that house.

Connor didn’t feel real. He felt like a character in someone’s shitty fanfiction, poorly written and designed to be the broken kid who needed fixing. There was some sort of angsty love story to come into play, but Connor wasn’t going to see it happen.

The bus driver didn’t question why Connor was on the verge of tears as he slipped his ticket into the compartment. He handed Connor a transfer slip and Connor found his seat, resting his head against the cool glass.

As he sat, he tugged out the neatly folded piece of paper. It was Evan’s stupid letter. He sighed and unfolded it before skimming through the entire letter.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Your most best, and dearest friend, Me

The only thing Connor could think about as he folded the letter back up was about how much of an asshole he was. The poor kid felt just like him, and instead of trying to help Connor shoved him and yelled at him just for putting Zoe’s name on the letter once.

He would never admit it, but tears were steadily falling from his eyes as he got off the bus and walked down the path of the park just outside of it. He wasn’t at Jefferson Park. He wasn’t going to ruin his favourite place. Besides, if he did go there he’d go to his clearing hidden off of the path, he’d never be found.

Selfishly enough, he wanted someone to find his body in the morning.

Connor found a comfortable spot just beside the river and sat down, taking a quick sip of his water.

It was only nine thirty. The sun was still resting over the horizon, brushing him with a warm glow. He still had a few hours to wait. There were still a few people walking around the path. He wanted to be alone.

So, to kill the time he turned on his music and finished off the last of his cigarettes and joints. The last of it burned out just before midnight.

High as a kite and crying enough to make a second river, Connor uncapped the first bottle and swallowed the pills five at a time, before doing the same with the second bottle.

Then, he laid down on the dirt and turned up his music.

Less than an hour and he was home free.

Chapter Text

Connor woke up with a pounding headache and a sinking disappointment in his chest. He couldn’t move. He didn’t want to move. He wasn’t supposed to be alive. Where was he ?

He opened his eyes slowly, gazing around to see his room the same it was the day before. He ran a hand down his face and sat up, only to lay back down.

He was not supposed to be alive- he was supposed to be dead.

What the fuck happened?

He felt like crying. He was supposed to be gone . He wasn’t supposed to be here. He should have jumped in the river to finish off the job. He planned it out so so well. And he was here.

Worse, he was in his bedroom- meaning he didn’t even come close to being in a bad enough state to be admitted to a hospital. If he was close to dying he would be hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor and his stomach would have been pumped and…

He didn’t take enough pills to even come close.

He wiped at his eyes. He was alive. He wasn’t supposed to be alive. He didn’t want to be alive! He didn’t want to live through his family’s faked disappointment again, he didn’t want to deal with this fact. He didn’t want to attempt again.

Connor sat up and sniffed, violently wiping away the tears burning in his eyes. He grabbed his phone and checked the time. His eyes drifted to the date and his heart skipped a beat.

September third.

Why the fuck did his phone say September third?

“Connor? I hope you’re up and getting ready. You leave in an hour,” Cynthia called from downstairs. Connor shook his head.

He tried to kill himself last night and Cynthia was still making him go to school.

He slipped on one of his sweaters and tucked his phone in his pocket. He wanted answers.

Connor stood up, only to lose his balance and sit back down on the bed. He clutched at his head, his sight fizzling out for a second. Fuck this headache sucked.

He adjusted his sleeves subconsciously before making his way downstairs.

Larry was checking his phone, wearing the same suit he was yesterday. Cynthia was pouring him coffee in the same cup, wearing the same exercise outfit. Connor furrowed his eyebrows as Cynthia smiled softly at him.

“What the fuck is going on?” Connor asked. Cynthia’s face dropped and Larry muttered something about language .

“What do you mean honey?” Cynthia asked. Connor rolled his eyes. Her fake sweet tone was headache inducing sometimes.

“I’m supposed to be dead- why the fuck am I here?” Connor asked.

“Connor… What did you do?” Cynthia asked. Larry looked up at Connor before shaking his head.

“He’s just high Cynthia, look at him,” Larry said, brushing everything off.

“Connor, is there something you need to talk about?” Cynthia asked.

“No! I just- what is going on?” Connor said. “I’m alive… and my phone is being weird and saying September third but that was yesterday . I’m unscathed but I swallowed two bottles of pills- I shouldn’t be here, what is going on?”

“Connor what kind of drugs are you on?” Larry asked. “All you’re doing is concerning your mother. Stop talking nonsense.” He set his phone down on the table.

“Yesterday was September second Connor,” Cynthia said softly. “It’s September third today. Connor- what are you on?”

Connor clenched his jaw.

“Nothing!”

Connor shook his head and stormed upstairs. He passed Zoe, who was wearing that same fucking outfit. What the fuck was going on?

He got dressed, wearing the first pair of pants he could find- which were blue jeans, which was kind of weird- and then sat on the window sill.

And well, he got high, because that was the only thing that made sense right now.

His headache only got worse.

He made his way downstairs and stormed out the front door. Cynthia called out for him and as Connor started up the car, zoe came rushing out. Connor hesitated for a split second before pulling out of the driveway.

Zoe stopped at the sidewalk. Connor watched her from the mirrors as she stuck her middle finger up before going back inside. She could find her own way to the stupid hellhole.

Connor wouldn’t be going if it weren’t for the fact that his family thought it was still September third. Sure, sometimes they could all be oblivious but seriously. Getting the date wrong?

He just needed to make sure it was his family going crazy and not him.

He parked in the first spot he found and got out. He didn’t know who to ask about the date. He didn’t talk to anyone and no one looked him in the eye. A teacher would know, but he didn’t really want to talk to any of those idiots.

“Hey! Connor, nice hair length… very… school shooter chic.”

Connor sighed heavily through his nose and made eye contact with the same idiot. Evan looked like he was about to have a break down standing next to him- Connor couldn’t blame him- before he ran passed Connor.

Connor watched as Evan ran until he turned a corner.

“Wasn’t making that joke yesterday enough?” Connor asked. Gerard made a face and Connor rolled his eyes.

“I’ve never made that joke before,” he said. “Besides, why would I actively try to find you on a day we didn’t have school?”

Connor stared at him blankly as Gerard turned and walked off. He shook his head and turned the other way.

This was too much. This was way too much.

Maybe he was dead. Maybe he succeeded and his mind was showing him how the day would have went if he had done something different. That would make sense. No one knew what happened when you died, so this could be a reasonable explanation.

Of course, it wasn’t. Connor just wanted to justify why this was happening.

His morning classes were the same, more or less anyways, and he decided then and there that he wasn’t going to bother with any more classes. He was dead, so what was the point?

He was making his way to the parking lot when he passed the computer lab again, this time just as Evan’s letter was printing out. A rush of memories flooded over him as he recalled what the letter said.

Evan probably felt the exact same as him. Maybe not to the same extent, but Evan was alone. And he lashed out on Evan just because he saw Zoe’s stupid name on Evan’s stupid letter.

Dead or alive, he wanted to make it up to Evan. Even if it just meant not pushing the kid to the ground for a stupid reason.

Connor picked up the letter and skimmed it. The letter was the same, word for word. Connor glanced up at Evan, who was staring right at him. Connor swallowed and looked down again before heading over.

“How’d you break your arm?”

Connor tried his best to stay calm throughout the conversation. Still, Evan said somethings and suddenly Connor was questioning if Evan was even dealing with these feelings truthfully. Before Connor could think it through though, Evan muttered something about how nothing mattered and he stormed off. It was that moment that Connor knew Evan was seriously dealing with stuff.

It wasn’t his business, he knew that. It was also hypocritical, he was well aware, but he didn’t want the kid to do anything stupid.

Evan avoided him though. He stuck around until the end of the day and Evan ignored him. He wasn’t stupid, he watched as Evan put in his other earbud. Connor got it, he was the shitty kid no one wanted to be around.

At least he got to talk to him, he thought as he made his way to the car. He apologized, kind of , and Evan didn’t seem as tense around him as he was earlier and yesterday and-

“What the fuck Connor?” Zoe snapped, opening the front door to the car despite Connor so clearly being seated in the drivers spot.

“What? I waited for you,” Connor said. Zoe scoffed and got in the passenger side.

“Yeah after freaking mom out this morning and then leaving without me,” Zoe said. “You made mom late to her meeting.”

“Please, her friends waiting to do yoga were probably fine without her for the first fifteen minutes,” Connor said as he started up the car.

“That’s not the point! It’s the first day of school and you’re already fucking out of control,” Zoe said. “I don’t even know why I’m letting you drive! I mean this morning you were off on crack or something-”

“-I was not on crack-”

“-because poor mom was practically sobbing-”

“-I just had a fucked up dream-”

“-You going off about swallowing pills and being dead-”

“- it’s not my fault no one ever hears me out!-”

“- you made mom decide she was going to reorganize the entire house-”

“- can you just let it go -”

“- just because you decided to do something stronger than your stupid pot-”

“- oh like your so innocent-”

“- and made some stupid ass comment about killing yourself-”

“- don’t forget I know you’ve done worse than pot-”

“-  you know how they feel about that-”

“- So you can’t criticize me-”

“- it wouldn’t surprise me if you don’t have a door-”

“-for getting high off of weed a few times a week-”

“- since no one can trust you!”

Connor slammed on the breaks, causing both of them to jerk forward.

“What the fuck Connor!” Zoe said, grabbing at the back of her neck. Connor rolled his eyes and grabbed his bag before getting out of the car.

“Connor your in the middle of the street get back in here!”

“If you don’t trust me then drive yourself home! I’m sick of being criticized twenty four seven,” Connor snapped before crossing the road.

Connor locked himself in the guest bedroom in the basement when he got home. Zoe was right, he didn’t have a door.

He waited it out, tried to get through a dinner and a talk with his parents which just resulted in Connor tuning them out before going up to his room. He waited until everyone was asleep to go back to the guest room.

He locked both the bedroom door and then the bathroom door and filled up the tub. He searched the drawer and found something sharp.

If pills didn’t work, maybe something else would.

Connor woke up again. His door was back on his hinges, he was wearing the same clothing as yesterday morning and there was blood smeared down both of his arms.

“Fuck!” Connor shouted.

He wasn’t dead, but he had two scars down his arms.

He glanced at the time- three forty something and groaned. Nope. He wasn’t dealing with any of this yet.

Of course, he didn’t get to sleep again. Heaven forbid he get to get a decent amount of sleep before the universe kicked him right in the ass!

Once the sun came up and attempting to fall asleep was futile, he decided to deal with his arms. He snuck across the hall and washed off his arms before looking down at them.

If the day was resetting, how come evidence of him attempting stayed?

Connor sniffed and wiped at his eyes. All he wanted to do was go, was that too much to ask?

He choked out a sob before sinking down on the floor. He didn’t want his wounds to heal over. He wanted them to stay wounds. That’s all he wanted.

“Connor? Is that you in there,” Cynthia asked. Connor grimace and wiped at his eyes before opening the door. He slipped out of there and back into his room before anyone could question anything. He shut and locked his door before sitting at the bottom of his closet.

Twice now. Twice and nothing was different. He was still alive and- oh, when he checked his phone it was once again September third.

He stayed in the closet until Zoe was violently knocking on his door, telling him if he wasn’t downstairs in five minutes she was leaving without him.

Part of him just wanted to tell Zoe to go ahead and leave, he wasn’t going to school anyways. Instead he made a small sound of agreement before getting dressed and putting on a hoodie, pulling the hood up so he could at least try to hide his face from the others. He noted that the scars were fading gradually, getting smaller in length, as if it was some sick reminder that no matter what he did he wasn’t getting away that easily.

He refused to make eye contact with anyone and let Zoe drive to school.

“Have you been crying?” Zoe asked as they pulled up into a parking spot.

“Nope,” Connor said stiffly as he got out of the car. He didn’t see, but he knew Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Yeah keep telling yourself that,” she said sarcastically.

“Fuck off Zoe,” Connor muttered before storming in ahead of her and into the school.

He made his way down his usual path. Everything was the same- except for Evan Hansen. He dressed differently each time and yesterday… he had a gut feeling Evan was in this too. He didn’t want to confront him yet though.

“Oh wow Connor, nice new hairstyle! I see you’re going for… school shooter chic this year,” Gerard- which now that Connor thought about it might have been Jared - laughed. He clenched his fists, before unclenching it. He was not a physical person.

Connor didn’t say anything. He looked at Evan, who looked just about as tired of everything as he was. Maybe he was.

“It was a joke,” Jared said. Yeah, it was definitely Jared, not Gerard.

Connor turned his attention to the asshat.

“Oh yeah. It was hilarious- am I not laughing hard enough for you ?” Connor said.

Jared didn’t say a word.

“Should I- do you want me to laugh harder?” he asked.

“You’re such a freak- Jesus Connor it was a joke ,” Jared said. He looked scared. Why the fuck was Kleinman scared?

“What? Do you take everything as a joke? Not everything cruel is a fucking joke!” Connor shouted. He was done. He was tired and all he wanted to do was lay down and die but he couldn’t fucking do that! He was attracting attention, but he didn’t care.

“I think you just need to go sit under the bleachers and smoke some of your drugs ‘cause clearly you’re all… worked up,” Jared said. Connor rolled his eyes. Yeah, creative Kleinman- like Connor hadn’t heard that one before. “Learn to live a little Murphy, don’t take everything so seriously.”

The irony of the situation- Connor didn’t want to live. He just wanted to figure out what was going on so he could go. He didn’t want to live a little.

Connor said and walked up next to Evan.

“You’ve got real shitty friends,” Connor said bluntly.

“I uh… I’m aware,” Evan laughed nervously. “He uh, only talks to me for his- for his, his uh… his…”

“His?”

“Car insurance! His… car… insurance…” Evan muttered.

Connor felt a pit grow in his stomach. He felt so bad for Evan. At least Connor knew he didn’t have any friends, and he didn’t try to make them. Poor Evan made friends what didn’t want to keep him.

“I rest my case, he’s an asshole,” Connor said. He hesitated slightly.

“You deserve better.”

He was going to say something stupid, so he walked off. He already made a fool of himself in front of Evan too many times now.

He was pretty sure Evan was reliving this with him, and if he wasn’t already sure enough as it was, the computer lab sure was confirmation.

Evan just met him at the printer this time, and he started the conversation. He was more comfortable with Connor, if he was picking up on the body ques right. Sure, maybe today's conversation swayed it a bit but this was different. Maybe he was just reading too far into things- maybe Evan wasn’t aware of the day repeating. Maybe Connor was just so desperate to not be dealing with this alone that he was making these things up.

Maybe he was dead.

It was selfish, but he hoped he was just dead.

“You’re not as funny as you think you are Kleinman,” Connor flatlined.

This morning had already been shitty enough as it was. He didn’t know why ke kept choosing to walk by Evan and Kleinman every morning. The joke was always the same shitty joke and he didn’t want to bother with it anymore.

He woke up this morning after trying to hang himself. His throat felt sore and he threw up. He got some on his sweater and hastily wiped it off in the morning. His hair was tousled but he couldn’t have been bothered. He got high and then cried, which was seeming to become a regular thing now.

He was tired, done and couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Then he looked over to Evan, who looked even more tired than the previous days and well, Connor came to a startling realization. He was more interested in Evan Hansen to really care about the stupid comment he had to endure every day.

“Whatever Murphy,” Jared muttered before leaving.

Connor sighed before watching Evan as he watched Jared leave. He wanted to know what Evan was thinking about. If Evan was actually going through this too. But then Evan was staring back at him as if he was chewed meat and-

“What’re you looking at Hansen?” Connor scoffed. Evan blinked and took a step back.

“I just uh, you were staring at me,” Evan stuttered out.

Connor felt the heat rush to his face and he looked down.

“Right, yeah of course,” he muttered before leaving.

Connor decided to stop bothering with his classes. They were the same stupid things anyways. He just wanted to talk to Evan in the computer lab and then go home. That was all that mattered, since that was all that was ever different.

At lunch, he grabbed the letter and made his way to where Evan was sitting.

“How’d you break your arm?” Connor asked from behind him, clearing his throat. Evan turned around and stood up from his chair.

“I uh, fell out of a tree,” he said with a small nod.

Connor knew that. If his theory was right, Evan knew Connor knew too. Granted, that was if Evan had put two and two together too.

“That’s fucking sad… listen I uh, wanted to apologize for snapping at you earlier,” Connor said.

“It’s’kay,” Evan said softly.

“It’s not though really? I just uh- no one’s signed your cast.”

Evan looked down at the cast.

“I could sign it?” Connor said.

“I uh, I don’t have a marker… I’m sorry,” Evan said. Connor frowned.

“Your arm is broken and you’re not even carrying around something for someone to sign it with? Did you think no one would sign it?” Connor asked.

So Evan was reliving it. He wouldn’t have forgotten it otherwise. Why did Evan not want him to sign his cast though?

Honestly, it kind of hurt.

“No I uh- yeah. Yeah kind of I just… The only person I talk to kind of hates me,” Evan laughed.

“There might be a sharpie on Mr Spooner’s desk,” Connor said, walking over to it. He was determined to sign the cast. That was all he wanted to do.

It was stupid and he had no clue if it worked, but Connor wanted to make Evan feel a little less alone. It sucked being alone, Connor knew that and if he couldn’t change it for himself, well, maybe he could change it for the sad loser kid he pushed down on the first day.

“Found one. It’s uh, teal though,” Connor said, walking back over to Evan.

“That’s alright. Teal is actually my favourite colour,” Evan said.

Connor made a mental note of that. It was a fun little interesting fact that maybe could come up in the future.

Connor signed it, frowning as he had to press a bit harder to get the ink out, considering it was drying out. Still, it was better than nothing.

“Is this your letter? Dear Evan Hansen?” Connor asked, glancing down at the letter before going to hand it to Evan. Evan nodded, taking it.

“I read it- sorry I just, it caught my eye and I read it all… There’s some pretty fucked up shit about my sister in there but-” Connor started, almost like second nature. He probably had to justify what he knew and this just made the most sense, but then Evan stopped him and well, Connor was confused.

“I never mentioned Zoe,” Evan said abruptly.

“ What? ” Connor asked. So Evan was reliving the day.

“I uh, I didn’t mention Zoe… It uh, god this is embarrassing but I uh, talked about… you,” Evan said.

Connor’s face heated up as he clenched his jaw. He stared at Evan for a second before grabbing the letter out of his hand.

Because there’s Connor. And all my hope is pinned on Connor.

“What? Is this some joke to you Hansen?” Connor snapped. He was being angrier than he actually felt but- fuck . This was just more confirmation and he was kind of pissed that Evan hadn’t brought it up yet.

“No it’s not I just-”

“Just what? Saw me in here and thought, oh yeah, I’m going to write some shitty stuff about him that’ll make him spazz out . That’s what you did, right?” Connor said.

“Connor no I just- please …”

“I’m not crazy. I get it, I’m the good for nothing stoner kid, but I’m not crazy! I’m not going to just freak out so you can have a show,” Connor scoffed.

“I don’t- Connor…”

Why didn’t Evan just tell him? Both of them were making it clear enough- Connor thought so anyways. So why didn’t Evan just tell him what was going on? Why did he think he had to do this alone?

“Fuck you. Just- fuck you Evan!”

Connor crumpled up the letter and chucked it into the garbage as he stormed out.

Connor didn’t care enough. Evan should have told him about being part of it all by now-

Granted, Connor thought as he shoved the exit doors open, he hadn’t said anything either.

Chapter Text

With four different attempts under his belt, Connor was kind of done. He just wanted it all to be over and done with. It was hard enough doing it the first night, but knowing how unaware his entire family was about what he was doing made it increasingly worse.

Connor turned up the volume of his earphones as Zoe pulled into the parking lot. He was high again, not much, but just a bit. On the bright side, he didn’t need to get more weed every day, since it was all back where it belonged the next day.

Zoe said something, Connor didn’t hear it nor did he care. This morning was pretty uneventful, so there was nothing for her to criticize him on. At least, not anything new from today.

He took his music out as he approached Evan’s locker. He was going to talk to Evan today and figure out this whole damn looping day thing. Connor just prayed that Evan was actually reliving the day, and that Connor wasn’t just reading way to far into it.

“Hey Connor, loving the new hair cut very… school shooter chic,” Jared laughed. Evan sighed and looked over to Jared with a small frown.

Connor rolled his eyes. It wasn’t funny the first four times, and he was about ready to punch the idiot in the face. He had to remind himself that Jared wasn’t doing it on purpose but god damn it .

“Jared that's not- not that funny,” Evan said. Connor’s gaze shot directly to Evan.

That pretty much confirmed it. Connor felt the blood drain from his face. Evan Hansen was reliving the day. He had come to his conclusion many times over again, but it was for sure now.

“It's a really low blow. Considering you had that uh, that hair length n-not two years ago.”

Jared’s face went bright red. Connor held back a laugh, coming out as a small snort because Jared Kleinman with shoulder length hair . That was something he wanted to see before he died.

“It was just a joke,” Jared said  “Geez you two need to lighten up a bit.”

Connor raised an eyebrow as Jared walked off, cocking his head to the side just a bit.

Connor opened his mouth and started to make a sound, but quickly stopped himself. He probably didn’t want to talk about that kind of stuff in the middle of the hallway.

Not that that mattered anyways.

He hesitated before walking over and leaning against the locker next to Evan.

“Thanks for that,” Connor said. Evan smiled and shrugged.

“It's uh, about time someone put Jared in his place?” Evan said. Connor laughed and ran a hand through his hair, tucking some of it behind his ear.

“Yeah.”

Connor stopped. He didn’t know what to say or do. He opened his mouth to speak, but then Evan was reaching for the sharpie from his pocket and… oh.

“Do you maybe want to sign my cast?” Evan asked. Connor hesitated.

“Yeah sure I could do that,” he said.

He sighed the cast and tucked his hands in his pockets. That was weird- people were staring. Were they staring? He didn’t know. God he just signed Evan’s cast earlier than he was supposed to… Would that fuck something up?

“I guess we can both pretend to have friends now,” Evan laughed. Connors eyes widened. Oh yeah, go ahead Hansen, just steal my line. That’s okay. I’m not offended. Evan raised an eyebrow.

“Well uh, maybe we don't have to pretend? I mean I'm a handful but like,” Connor said with a small laugh. He instantly regretted that. Connor was the last person anyone wanted to be friends with. Even Connor.

“I'd uh. I'd really like that,” Evan said.

Connor gnawed at the inside of his cheek. Evan was probably aware of what was going on. Did he know Connor knew too?

Fuck this shit was too confusing.

“I spend my computer rooms in the lunch if you maybe wanna join?” Evan said.

Connor hesitated.

“You spend your…. Computer rooms… in the lunch?” Connor said slowly. Evan blinked.

“I uh, I meant-”

“Yeah I know what you meant. It's alright,” he laughed. Evan was a cute one, like a puppy dog.

Connor was going to address the repeating day, but Evan was saying his goodbyes and then he left. Connor sighed.

This was far too much for him to handle.

He ditched classes- there was no point in going to them- by sitting in the car, with his feet kicked up on the dash. He hummed softly to his music, keeping an eye on the time. His phone buzzed a few times but he ignored it, blissfully unaware of whatever the hell was going on in the world.

From Zoe: why arent you in your classes?

From Zoe: I passed your classes each and youre not there

From Zoe: u arent even in the hallways

From Zoe: way to make a good first impression

Connor scoffed and rolled his eyes, getting out of the car. It was about time for lunch anyways.

To Zoe: im around dont worry  not getting into trouble or anything

Connor entered the computer lab. Evan was still sitting at his computer, typing that stupid letter of his. He waited patiently at the printer for a minute before giving up. Evan was still typing, and he didn’t want to stand at the doorway like the total creep that he was.

Connor walked over and stood behind Evan, skimming the letter. He furrowed his eyebrows as he read through it twice, before clearing his throat quietly.

“Whatcha writing?” Connor said, sitting beside Evan, who jumped a bit at his sudden appearance.

“Oh nothing. It's nothing it's just-”

“ It sucks knowing Connor won't remember me standing up for him today? Why would I forget that?” Connor asked. Evan was totally reliving everything. Holy shit. This was kind of like a weight being lifted off of Connor’s chest. He wasn’t alone- well, at least in this stupid loop.

Everything else in the letter slowly started to process, even though Evan had since turned the thing off.

“Evan are you okay?” Connor asked.

Evan hesitated.Connor’s stressed swelled.

“No,” Evan said. “I'm uh. Really not? But if I told you well- you'd think I'm crazy. It's kind of crazy.” He laughed nervously.

“Try me.”

Then Evan was rambling a million miles a minute and Connor was struggling to process it all. He was going on about the loop and going crazy and- he liked it when Connor wrote his name big, but Connor didn’t do that now… His was talking a million words a minute. Then Evan took a deep breath and the last thing he said completely derailed Connor’s train of thought.

“If I kissed you right now… would you freak out?” Evan asked, abruptly ending his ramble.  

Connor blinked. That was… not what he was expecting. At all.

“Sorry! That was uh, really weird to say I'm so sorry. It's a lot I know but like I said, you'll just forget-”

“No I won't,” Connor cut in.

He watched as the horror set into Evan’s face. Connor shifted a bit and tucked his hands in his pockets.

“You…. Won't?” Evan asked.

“God this is really awkward…” Connor muttered as the silence became a bit too unbearable.  

“Did you… know I was-”

“Going through it to? No. Well, I was suspicious but you did everything so similar to each day. It was… really hard to say. It wasn't until yesterday that I knew for sure but…” Connor ran a hand through his hair. “I did not think we would be having this conversation.”

Connor was going to talk to him about the loop. He wanted to know if he was doing this alone or not but… Evan Hansen, the awkward, shy, introverted kid, wanted to kiss scary old Connor Murphy. That thought was, crazy. Part of him wanted to lash out at Evan for saying something like that, but he didn’t. Evan seemed genuine and the last thing the kid needed was Connor yelling at him. Still, it seemed unreal and one giant joke. It wouldn’t surprise him if Evan just saw him as one giant joke.

“Oh my god… I just told you everything,” Evan said. Connor nodded subtly.

Connor tried to not let his mind spiral. He was reading far to into this. Just, people didn’t just ask Connor to kiss him. Did Connor seem that gay?

“Yup.”

“And you'll remember it and- ohmygoshIaskedtokissyoujustnow.”

Connor chuckled. Evan was cute, he couldn’t deny that. He had never given him a second thought until now though.

Connor’s humour faded as he watched panic spread across Evan’s face. He didn’t know what to do in the situation of someone else having a panic attack- if that was what was happening. Connor hesitated.

“Evan? Hey. Evan look at me,” Connor said.

Evan’s eyes darted to Connor’s.

“I'm not pissed. Well- no. No I'm not mad I just need you to calm down because we are not having this conversation with you like this,” Connor said.

Evan shook his head.

“Or uh. Or we could just er- not have this conversation at all? I uh… I'm going to go? I… probably won't see you tomorrow because there literally is no tomorrow. I just- I already. Oh my god I can't believe I just did that. I just… oh my god. ”

Evan stood up and grabbed his bag. Connor grabbed his non casted arm and stood up, holding him there. Evan was not getting away that easily.

“Evan I know this is crazy but we need to work together. You can't just… Sure you just opened up and it was a lot but… you can't just leave me alone,” Connor said. “I can't keep doing this alone.”

“I can't… I just... I need to go,” Evan said, tugging his hand away.

“Evan!”

“just… f-fuck off Connor,” Evan said quietly before speed walking out of there.

Connor stood, dumbfounded by Evan’s helplessness. He frowned and shook his head lightly. He couldn’t let Evan go. Didn’t Evan want to find someone else to deal with this stupid loop too? Or maybe he didn’t want to deal with it alongside Connor. That would make sense.

Connor was an idiot. Poor Evan just poured his heart and soul to him, thinking there would be no consequences. And-

He couldn’t let Evan get away.

He panicked. Connor ran out of the computer lab and without thinking about it, he grabbed Evan and kissed him. Evan didn’t do anything as a response. He thought he felt something but he had pulled away at that.

“Evan we need to work together,” Connor said. “We can't just- I want to get out of this as much as you do. Please don't storm off.” His arms were still around his waist. He wouldn’t let Evan go. He didn’t want to let Evan go. He needed Evan to work with him.

“You only did that ‘cause I uh, I asked right? And ‘cause you don't want me to storm off…” Evan said softly.

Connor started to shake his head. He was desperate, he needed anything, something .

Evan pushed Connor away, and he retreated his arms back into his pockets.

“I'm sorry Connor… I'm so so sorry,” Evan said.

He walked off, and Connor didn’t fight it. Evan didn’t want to work with him on this. Either that or he was just over reacting.

Connor called out his name, but he made no attempt to chase after Evan. Evan wanted to be alone, but that was okay. He was fine being alone. Being alone was cool, whatever.

Connor decided to try and overdose again that night. He did it in his room instead. There was no need for elaborate locations or waiting until midnight. He knew he was going to wake up without a scratch the next morning. Still, there was that weak feeling of hope that maybe he could do it for real this time.

Just maybe.

Connor adjusted his sweater in the mirror, biting on his lip. He shouldn’t be so nervous to just go over to Evan’s. All they were doing was talking about the repeats. Trying to get answers. It wasn’t like anything bad was going to happen.

Yesterday Evan completely avoided him and Connor had to get Jared to text Evan to find out where he was, which was an interesting conversation, considering the two weren’t friends… at all.

“Kleinman, is Evan here today?” Connor asked. Jared rolled his eyes and Connor scoffed. Oh yeah Jared, real mature.

“I haven’t seen him,” Jared said. “Why do you care?”

“I need to talk to him. Can you text him?” Connor said. Jared cocked an eyebrow but he didn't care. Connor was so desperate. He just needed to talk to Evan.

Jared rolled his eyes and grabbed his phone, typing away at the screen. There was a solid minute before he spoke up again.

“Library. Try not to beat him up, Murphy,” Jared said before walking off.

And then of course Connor and Evan argued, because what was Connor without arguments. Connor managed to give somewhat good advice, which was pretty cool. Maybe? He didn’t know.

Evan probably hated him. Well- no he probably didn’t.

Connor sighed and knocked on the door.

He ran a hand down his face. He hated the silence, but the two were watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, so that was okay. They were both pretty tired of theorizing about shit.

He sighed as his phone buzzed. Zoe was calling him. He ended the call, only to get another call from her once again.

“I’ll be right back,” he muttered, getting up to leave for the kitchen.

“What?” he snapped as he leaned against the counter.

“ Where are you? ” Zoe snapped. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Does it matter?”

“ Yes it does! Mom had to drive to school because you decided to fucking storm off! ” Zoe exclaimed. “ Then you don’t even show up to school? Where are you? ”

“Out,” Connor said simply. He picked at a stem of rotting grapes.

“ Out where? I swear to god Connor if you’re driving high- ”

“I’m not fucking high! Jesus fuck Zoe, I’m out with a friend,” Connor snapped. Zoe scoffed and Connor could just sense the eye roll.

“ Yeah because you have friends, ” Zoe said.

“I do! Evan Hansen, ask him. We’re friends and I’m at his house because school fucking sucks,” Connor said.

“ You should both should have been here ,” Zoe said flatly.

Connor rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, like it even matters,” Connor said sarcastically. “Too late now. I’ll go tomorrow, whatever.”

“ Mom’s going to be pissed when she finds out ,” Zoe said.

“Why do you need to be a snitch all the time?” Connor snapped.

“ Because you’re uncontrollable! I’m sick and tired of chasing your ass around like a puppy! It was one day of school, the first fucking day Connor! Why couldn’t you have just been smart and come? I’m so done with dealing with your shit!”

“Well fuck you too! I might as well jump off of a bridge and get out of your hair if I'm that much of a fucking problem,” Connor shouted.

“ Fuck you! ” Zoe shouted.

“ Fuck you!”

Connor hung up the phone, glaring at it for a second. Whatever.

He forced a small smile and sat back down in the living room.

“When did the pizza come?” Connor asked.

“A minute ago?” Evan said as he opened the two boxes up. “I uh, you were still yelling at your phone so… I decided to get it? I tipped the man over like, twelve dollars,” he laughed.

Connor chuckled and took a slice.

“Sorry you had to hear that.”

“Would you actually do it?” Evan said.

“Do what?” Connor said, swallowing a bite of food.

“Would you actually drop off a bridge?” Evan asked. “I'm sorry I know that's a very personal question but I just really can't stand the thought of doing this alone or losing you and I just- ”

“No,” Connor said bluntly. He didn’t want to have his discussing right now. Or ever really. “I wouldn't. Not while this is happening anyways.” He shrugged.

“Besides, I'd wake up alive and in my bed once everything reset,” he said simply.

“How do you know?” Evan asked.

With a heavy heart, Connor explained everything. He tried to keep it away from the talks of suicide but, Evan put two and two together. Guess he made it pretty obvious. What followed was the inevitable conversation.

Connor wanted to cry as they talked. He didn’t- he didn’t come anywhere close because he didn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of someone he didn’t know, but god he wanted to cry.  

“I’ve tried it before… but the first day was the first time I actually did it with a true want to die. Do you know how heartbreaking it was to wake up in the morning only to find out that it’s the first day of high school again? Fuck, it was horrible- not to mention I felt like shit for making you feel like shit. Then of course I wanted to try and talk to you and make a difference but fuck like I could make a difference in a guys life when he’ll wake up the next morning thinking it was the first day of school again.Of course turns out you actually were living the same shit as me every day you just decided to make every day the same as the last so I couldn’t tell,” Connor monologue, getting more and more angry as he went. Mostly at himself. God he was such an idiot.

More conversation passed, most of it broken and meaningless. Just thinking that might be the key to fixing the loop- but that was far from the truth. Connor knew it wouldn’t work. It made no sense ot make them have to fix their issues. They- or at least Connor, had too many issues to deal with.

“Do you still want to die?” Evan said.

Connor didn’t want to outright answer it. He didn’t want to make Evan feel worried. Doing it before, he knew no one would care. He knew no one would notice at all. There was no guilt the previous times. If Evan worried, then Connor would be screwed.

“Death is a funny concept you know-”

“ Do you? ” Evan asked, cutting him off.

He wanted to avoid the question. To flush the question down the toilet and forget about it. That wasn’t going to happen though.

“I mean… obviously. No small conversation is going to change that,” Connor said, all too casually. Evan frowned. Connor resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“If you go home tonight, are you going to try a uh, again?” Evan asked.

The air caught itself in Connor’s throat. Of course he was going to, but he didn’t want to tell Evan that. Evan didn’t need that knowledge on his shoulders.

“Stay here tonight… and uh, I’ll- we’ll make sure neither of us do anything stupid… maybe that’s the next step to figuring everything out,” Evan said. “I uh, I know it won’t fix it... .but I can be there for you and… maybe you can be there for me?”

Connor hesitated. He closed his eyes and sighed, before grabbing a slice of cold pizza. He was so numb to the idea of death. It was just death, after all. Nothing more, nothing left. Everyone was born to die. It was the circle of life.

“We can try that,” Connor said with a slight nod.

Connor yawned as he settled on the blow up mattress. The two were both more or less settled into their beds. Connor was itching to go home, but didn’t move. He didn’t dare leaving.

“Let’s stay up until midnight,” Connor suggested as Evan seemed to be getting ready to go to sleep.

“Why?” Evan asked.

“Every night when midnight hits it just stays September Third, maybe we did something today that would have shifted it? Wouldn’t you want to know right away?” Connor said. Evan shrugged, but agreed.

It was wishful thinking, Connor knew that. He just… wanted to know. Selfishly so he could know if he would be able to just end it all in the morning once he left.

When 11:59 rolled around, the two moved to sit side by side on Evan’s bed with Connor’s calendar pulled up on his phone. He was shaking, horrified to know what was going to happen. He was the one who suggested it.

The clock shifted, and so did the day. It was a short, ten second span, but for ten seconds, it was September Fourth.

His mind first went to death . He could do it- but then it went back and… it was still September Third.

“You saw that right?” Evan said. Connor nodded slowly.

“Does it normally happen like that?” Evan asked.

“Nope,” Connor said. He looked at Evan with a slight frown before crawling back onto the air mattress. His chest was heavy. He had never been that excited about something. As soon as that excitement was given, it was ripped away again.

“That means something then, right? It moved- we did something right we just need to figure out what it was and improve it?” Evan said.

“Something like that yeah,” Connor deadpanned. He crawled under the blanket and hid his face, turning on his phone.

“Are you ok?” Evan asked.

“I just… got really excited there for a second,” Connor said. “Good night.”

Evan turned off the light.

“See you in the morning,” Evan said.

“I’ll probably wake up in my own bed,” Connor pointed out through the darkness.

He wasn’t going to wake up here, because it was still September Third. It was still the same day.

“See you at school then.”

“Yeah… at school.”

Connor didn’t fall asleep until around four am. All he wanted to do was sleep, but that didn’t come easily. He wished it does, but it never did now a days.

Chapter Text

Connor smiled softly as he picked up his bag from the ground. He hated sitting through classes, but at least now he just got to go hang out with Evan- the one variable in the constant that is the first day of school. He didn’t know how much longer he could handle listening to Mr Kelly drawl on for an hour on end about classroom expectations. If it weren’t for the fact that he was so spiteful, he’d just skip the class like he did with every other one.

Now he got to go hang out with Evan though, which was worth sitting around the school every day. He was thinking about maybe trying to get Evan to do something fun. They both probably needed a break of the carbon copy day. Especially after last night.

He didn’t know what they could do. What did friends do? Was he even friends with Evan? It was very circumstantial. He’d counter it saying that all friendships were circumstantial but, well, he just didn’t know.

Still, he got to see and talk with Evan- hopefully not about the repeating situation. Or anything that kind of sucked. He didn’t like talking about the shitty things.

“Hey, Murphy,” some shrill voice called out from behind him. He rolled his eyes, not recognizing the stupid voice before turning around, facing the speaker. She, whom Connor didn’t know personally, cocked her hip to the side and crossed her weird, freakishly long nails over across her chest.

“What?” he said, glaring at this chick even though she hadn’t spoken yet.

“Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” she said. Connor blinked and flinched back.

“I’m sorry ?” he asked, scoffing.

“Just, leave that poor kid alone. You know, the weird anxious one. It’s stupid to pick on the weak ones. Find someone your own size. He doesn’t deserve being treated like shit,” she said. Connor felt his jaw drop.

Was she serious?  

“Oh but I deserve to be treated that way?” Connor asked. She shrugged and glanced him up and down.

“Well I mean treat others the way you want to be treated, right?” she scoffed.

Connor clenched his jaw and shook his head.

“You’re great at following that fucking rule, aren’t you?” he sneered. He clenched his fist- wanting to just- but he wasn’t going to. He wasn’t a physical person. He tried not to be.

“Listen, I’m just looking out for the little guy here,” she said.

“Yeah well that ‘little guy’-” he used air quotations “- just happens to be my friend. So, maybe keep your oily looking nose out of other people’s business and worry about who you’re going to fuck next, alright?” Connor snapped. She looked like she was going to say something, but Connor just glared at her and stormed out of there.

He wasn’t going to feed the idiot. What business did she have telling someone to stay away from their own fucking friend? Of course- guys like Connor didn’t get to have friends, right?

Connor wanted to just go and off himself right then and there- not even bother until tonight. That’s what everyone wanted him to do, right? Maybe he could hang himself in the janitor closet and give the whole fucking school a traumatic experience before everything resets and none of them will remember anything. What a grad prank that would be. The best one in history probably and not a single fucking person would remember.

Well, one person would.

“I fucking hate everything!” Connor announced as he stormed into the computer lab. “I’m done! I am so fucking done!”  

“Are you uh… ok?” Evan said. Connor glared. What kind of idiotic question was that? Did he look fucking okay?

“Oh yeah. Fucking fantastic! Jesus you try to make conversation with your fucking- friend - in the hallway and everyone just assumes that I’m out to fucking kill you!” he said.

“Can I uh, get context… maybe? And p-please calm down Connor…” Evan said hesitantly. Connor yanked his hand away as Evan reached out to touch him. He tried to relaxed just a bit, though it wasn’t very successful. Evan was clearly freaked out a bit. He clenched his jaw and looked at the wall behind Evan.

“I was walking out of my second period and this fucking girl I don’t even know comes up to me and tells me to not pick on fucking kids with anxiety disorders. Her and her fucking ten pounds of makeup and dyed black hair and stupid acrylic nails thinks she has a right to assume I was fucking picking on you! I was so fucking nice and friendly and she tells me that I need to stay away from kids who get scared off easily! Where is her fucking place to tell me I can’t talk to my friend?” Connor ranted. Of course, I guess I don’t deserve friends right? The fuck up is bound to stay alone forever! Heaven forbid he have a little bit of light in his soon to be ended life!

“I mean- apparently I’m so bad that I fucking don’t even deserve friends! I get it- I don’t. I know that, you probably know that, everyone fucking knows it but just because I finally have one does not mean that slutbags like that can just assume what’s going on in my life! I didn’t even raise my voice this morning. What the fuck!”

He wanted to punch something. A wall, preferably. Just drywall would be nice. He shook his head and took a deep breath.

“Fuck I wished I managed to off myself on the first day,” Connor scoffed.

“Don’t say that…” Evan said quietly. Connor sighed and rolled his eyes.

“All of this would have been easier,” Connor pointed out, throwing his hands up in defense. “ None of this would have happened.” He laughed bitterly.

“It would have! I would have had to go through this alone and… it just… Connor I care about you,” Evan said.

“You’re just saying that,” Connor said without hesitation. “We’ve only been talking properly for two days. There’s no way you would care.”

“I would though? I… don’t like knowing you feel that way and it sucks to feel that way and I care a-and I want to somehow- just somehow help you not feel as much like that anymore,” Evan said.

If there was anything he hated more than himself, it was people who pretended to care. Clearly no one cared, right? No one was allowed to care for shitty, drug addict Connor Murphy.

“You wouldn’t know how it feels Evan. You can’t just have a fucking heart to heart with someone and magically fix everything! It sucks. It sucks so fucking much. It sucks when just as soon as you think it’s starting to look up some bitch decides to not mind her own business and everything comes crashing down once again,” Connor said bitterly. Evan didn’t react. Of course he didn’t react- why would he? Connor was being stupid and overwhelming rude and yelling and just being the horrible person he truly was.

“Connor if things are getting better- this is just a dip in the road. I know how you feel. I do -”

“How could you know?” Connor snapped. “How could you know how it feels to want to just to fucking die and have it be done with?” He raised his voice, abruptly standing up from his chair, kicking it behind him. He cringe internally as he heard it crash against the desk behind him. “How could you know how horrible the world truly is?”

“I-”

“How could you know if you’ve never experienced it?!” He snapped, everything just bubbling to the surface. “How could you know? How could you fucking know- ”

Evan stood up and suddenly Connor was being pushed backwards. He stumbled a bit, but Evan barely did anything to impact him. He almost wanted to laugh.

“Because I’ve done it myself! I’ve been there- hell I am still there,” Evan said hopelessly. “I jumped out of a tree- yes I fucking jumped with hopes that I wouldn’t make it once I hit the ground. I’ve sat on my bed just holding a bottle of pills tempted to do it. I’ve stood on the edge of a bridge twice. So don’t you dare f-fucking tell me that I don’t know how it feels. I do. I know how you feel I know what it’s like and I hate it! And I hate knowing that you feel that way too and I hate how I know i realistically can’t help but I do Connor- I want to help so badly….” Evan trailed off, almost looking like he was going to collapse in tears.

Connor felt his blood run could as everything processed. Words were flying in his head three hundred miles an hour but, none of it was coming out. His jaw fell open, searching Evan’s eyes for some clue that Evan was joking. He had to be joking.

There was no way Evan… his letters . Fuck! His fucking letters. Connor was so fucking stupid. The fact that Evan was alone was so clearly right in front of him! He had commented on that too and-

“I’m sorry,” Connor choked. “I should’ve-”

“I don’t know if I want to hear it Connor.“

Connor shut his mouth and nodded slowly. He’d gone and truly fucked up everything now. This was the one thing he didn’t get a do over for and he’d gone and messed it up.

“I want to do this with you Connor… but… we can’t just assume that neither of us know where the other is coming from. We can’t just… we need communication. We can’t let people like that girl get us angry because, well, because uh, at the end of the day, their opinions don’t matter. O-ours are the only, the only real ones that matter,” Evan said.

“Evan-”

“We can’t keep arguing? We can’t yell at each other. That scares me. I, frankly, I just, don’t like it. Yelling could easily send me into a panic attack… and we don’t need to deal with that,” Evan said.

Connor didn’t say anything. He was scared to speak up. He was tempted to just run and leave . Evan didn’t want shit to do with him anymore. Connor could just sense it.

“I’m done, you can talk now,” Evan said with a slight nod.

“I’m sorry. You’re right I just- I don’t know how to deal with any of this. I just-”

“You don’t need to justify yourself… I get it I just… we can rant to each other, but we can’t get angry with each other,” Evan said.

Connor nodded and sighed, sticking his hands in his pockets. What was he even supposed to do now?

“Do you… still feel that way?” Connor asked hesitantly.

“Kind of? I… I instantly regretted it when I let go of the tree… and sure the thoughts are still there but uh, I keep that thought there? Like the instant regret and uh, it keeps me from actively doing it… I started taking therapy more seriously? Then uh, well, I just… yeah,” Evan said with a small shrug.

“Can I have a hug?” Connor asked. He just- needed that right now. He hated human contact but… maybe Evan needed it too.

Connor let out a long sigh as Evan hugged him. He closed his eyes and just felt the tension melt away. Evan was shaking. He probably scared him. Connor had been stupid and rash. He tried to match his breathing with Evan’s- he read to do that online to help calm down. He didn’t know if that was going to help at all but he could try. He wanted to try.

“We need to figure this out,” Evan said against Connors shoulder.

“As soon as we can,” Connor said. “I’m really sorry… I’m so sorry I just-”

“What’s done is done… all we can uh, do is grow from it,” Evan cut him off again. Connor shut his eyes tightly. He was an idiot. Such an idiot.

“I don’t feel like going to my classes,” Evan said. “Let’s do something.”

Connor smiled and pulled away from the hug. He didn’t want to either.

“Movies and chinese food?” Connor said.

Evan thought about it for a second.

“Works for me.”

Connor left, Evan trialing just behind him. He hoped Evan was behind him anyways. He hadn’t bothered to check.

For a brief second he considered taking the bus, but he promised chinese food. Correction, he wanted chinese food, and was more than happy to buy Evan some too. It didn’t even cost anything really, meaning Evan didn’t need to stress about paying. So, taking the car and leaving Zoe to walk it was.

He unlocked the car with his key and slipped into the drivers’ side. He waited until Evan got in before he started up the car and drove off.

“Do you have any favourites?” he asked. Evan shrugged.

“Whatever you want,” Evan replied.

“Hey Connor?” Evan asked as Connor slipped on his shoes, getting ready to leave after having stayed over at Evan’s for hours.They ate, and then both of them kind of fell asleep after while whatever stupid show Connor decided to put on played in the background.

“Yup?” he asked, standing straight up again.

Evan hesitated, before taking a step forward. Connor opened his arms up and Evan came in for a hug, which Connor just melted into. Evan rested his head on Connor’s shoulder and Connor felt his smile against his collar.

“Stay safe tonight… please?” Evan said quietly. “Don’t… do anything. Tonight, please?”

Connor felt his heart melt just a bit. His breathing hitched as he held Evan just a bit tighter.

“I won’t,” he promised. Whether or not that would be the case, he didn’t know. He was itching to do something. He didn’t have very much self control but, just the way Evan looked at him as they pulled away, he decided he wouldn’t. He’d try his best.

“Thank you,” Evan said quietly as he hugged him quickly again. “Uh, text me… later, yeah?” he asked.

Connor smiled and nodded. “Yeah of course I will.”

“Thank you.”

They exchanged goodbyes before Connor left, hoping into his car.

He smiled like an idiot the entire ride home. Evan was a nice person. A wonderful person, even.  Who was he kidding? Evan and his stupid generosity… and his smile… and laugh…

God Connor was falling for Evan like an idiot. He was falling for him and he’s only known him for a fucking week. It was because Evan was giving him attention. That was it. That was the same thing that happened with that one kid from his gym class in the tenth grade. He had just been nice to Connor and bamn. He had a crush. It fizzled out quickly sure, but it was just because he was being nice.

Evan was just being nice- kind of having to hang out with him because of their situation. Not to mention Evan liked him. For whatever reason, he didn’t know. Connor was Connor- and literally pushed the poor kid over… twice on the first first day of school.

Still, he was just smiling at the thought of seeing Evan tomorrow, because he wanted to see Evan tomorrow. Even if tomorrow was still today. He just… really liked hanging out with Evan.

His smile didn’t fade as he shut off the car and got out. He knew he was going to have to face everyone being mad at him for ditching school early and taking the car, either leaving Zoe to walk, bus or get Cynthia to pick her up.

That was fine though, because at least the rest of his day was decent. The part that mattered- the part that actually impacted people and would be remembered come tomorrow- was good. He got to hang out with Evan and just have fun. He had almost forgotten what it was like to have fun with other people.

How sad , he thought as he opened the front door. He had to die a handful of times before learning how to have fun and somewhat decent to people. Well, to Evan. Sometimes. He had a long way to go. Such a long way to go.

“Connor, was that you?” Cynthia called out. Connor prepared himself, but just ignored her, making his way up to his room.

He didn’t want to argue. He didn’t want such a nice afternoon to crumble away to whatever was in store. He knew he’d have to face them all eventually- he did just ditch school and disappear until close to nine. Connor knew the consequences, but he didn’t like them.

He huffed as he laid down on his bed, plugging in his headphones and just closing his eyes.  

The peace was nice, but short lived. He knew this was coming, and while the temptation to just turn up his music was there, instead he took out his earbuds and just waited for whatever criticism was to come.

Cynthia opened the door without knocking and stepped inside of the bedroom.

“Where’d you go all day?” Cynthia asked. Connor shrugged, staring up at the ceiling.

“I was out,” he replied simply.

“Out where?” she asked.

“Just… out,” Connor replied.

Cynthia hesitated.

“Well you don’t smell like pot,” she commented. Connor rolled his eyes.

“I’m not high,” he replied simply.

He didn’t want to argue. He just wanted to be fine. Or at least end today on a good note. He didn’t risk saying more than he needed to because that would be stupid. If he said too much she would question him and he had no reason to lie, so he could tell her the truth. She wouldn’t remember it after. So it didn’t matter. Still, he was static, not daring to look up at his mother.

“I gathered that,” she replied with a small huff. “You ditched school.”

“I was out with a friend,” Connor said.

“A friend?” she asked, her voice suddenly springing to life.

“Yup.” He popped the p .

“You have a friend? Oh, Connor- why don’t I know this?” she asked, sitting down on the edge of his bed. He sighed, sitting up on the bed, resting his head against the headboard.

“You didn’t need to,” he said simply. “You never asked- I never told.”

“It still would have been nice to know,” she replied. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Whatever I'll just let you know my every move from now on then,” he scoffed.

“Connor you know that's not what I meant,” Cynthia said. Connor shrugged.

“That's what it sounds like,” he said. She sighed and stood up.

“I'm just trying to make conversation Connor. There's no need to get all mad at me,” she said.

“No you came to yell at me for being high and skipping school and leaving Zoe without the car. You don't need to lie to me about this shit,” he said. Cynthia shook her head and walked to the edge of the bed, looking directly at Connor.

“I don't want to fight or yell Connor…” She hesitated and Connor just knew- “Yes I came in to ask where you were but I'm glad you were with a friend and not off getting high!” she said with a cheerful laugh.

“But you'll still tell Larry about it… and he'll yell at me,” Connor pointed out.

“As long as you're being honest… no I won't. I'd like to meet this friend sometime,” she said.

“Whatever,” Connor muttered. With that he took out his phone and put his music back on. Cynthia took that as her queue to leave, which thankfully she did. But not before saying;

“There's leftovers in the fridge if you're hungry.”

Connor closed his eyes and laid back down. He was tired. He knew he wouldn't sleep until after midnight, but he could just lay there and pretend. He debated trying to stay up the entire night. Since the day only truly reset until they were both asleep.

Maybe if he stayed up Evan could get a decent sleep without having to jolt awake once they both fall asleep. Then while the day would reset, memories and everything else wouldn't.

That sounded like a good plan. One he knew to be unattainable, but a decent one. Unless he and Evan started alternating sleep schedules.

That would start a riot or something though. The day isn't changing and everything is repeating. Well, if everyone knew it was repeating only things like the weather and natural disasters would reset. Or maybe not even that? What reset when the clock reset and what reset when they slept?

Fuck it. Connor was getting high. He was itching to do something stupid and if he couldn't off himself in some new creative way, he could at least get high.

He grabbed his things and left. Halfway through getting his shoes on, Zoe came up behind him just to say “you're an asshole I hope you know that.”

“Indeed I am,” he replied.

“You had mom cancel her aquasize so she could come pick me up,” she said.

“At least the car is back home and I didn't drive it off a fucking cliff,” he snapped. She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah well it wouldn't be the first time.”

“Oh but I would have made sure it was the fucking last,” Connor replied. Zoes jaw dropped, she scowled and shook her head.

“Oh fuck off Connor,” she said. Connor stood up from doing his shoes and smiled. “I’m so sick of your empty threats.”

Connor clenched his jaw. Oh if only she knew.

“You're the one who started it,” he pointed out. “I was just trying to go out the front door and you went ahead and called me an asshole!”

“For good reason!” She shouted.

Connor shook his head.

“Jesus the one time I mind my own fucking business you decide just to start a fight,” Connor scoffed, slamming the front door behind him as he left before Cynthia could come downstairs.

He was only going to get high. However, if he accidently fell out of a tree headfirst, well, he wouldn’t complain.

Chapter Text

Connor woke up with a stiff neck and a pounding headache. After last night, he made a note to self to not get high and climb a tree. Sure, he had a reason for doing it, but he wanted to hold his promise for Evan. Of course, on his way down he slipped and fell. He laid there for… who knows how long. It was probably the worst pain he had been in for a long time. Thankfully he eventually fell asleep there on the ground, and everything reset.

He didn’t know if that meant he failed to keep his promise to Evan. Sure, he thought about it originally but he never planned on actually jumping out of the tree. Still though, he fell and nearly killed himself. Well, fell .

“You’re up rather early,” Cynthia said, sipping something from her coffee mug as Connor passed her at the kitchen table. Connor glared, before relaxing his body. He didn’t need this. He just wanted to talk to Evan and figure this all out.

“Not really,” he said stiffly, grabbing the orange juice from the fridge.  

“Connor it’s six thirty… you get up at eight on a good day ,” Cynthia said with a small laugh, before her entire face just dropped . “You’re not planning on getting high this early, are you?” she asked.

Connor looked up from pouring his juice, slowly putting the juice carton down on the ground. He just stared at her. Of course she just thought he was up to get high. Well, that kind of what his plan was. He shrugged slowly, before picking up his juice. Cynthia sighed, putting his mug down.

“Connor I don’t want you going to school high,” she said desperately. Connor rolled his eyes, took a mouthful of the juice, and slammed the glass down on the counter.

“I’m not getting high,” he said shortly, wiping his hands off on his sweatpants.

“Why are you up then?” she asked. Connor clenched his jaw and shook his head.

“Sorry I can’t fucking wake up early for once,” he scoffed. “Considering you’re the one that woke me up in the first place.”

He didn’t stick around for a reaction, and instead just returned to his room, shutting the door quietly despite the temptation to just slam it. Just because he was up didn’t mean anyone else was up, and quite frankly, he wasn’t ready for the first day of school to begin just yet.

He debated getting high. That’s what Cynthia was expecting him to do. Since he was in this stupid loop, he could never change or improve in his family's eyes. Not that he was trying to change . Still, he didn’t feel as reluctant to go to school this time around. Not that that mattered, Cynthia probably was expecting his protest judging by Connor’s casually discussion about staying home the night before the repeating first day.

Connor crawled back into his bed, despite his hands being sticky from the juice. He just wanted time to go by quicker. He debated just getting ready and going to Evan’s until they both had to go to school. He didn’t know what Evan’s mornings were like normally. Adding a pissed off Connor Murphy to the mix might just freak him out a bit.

Soon enough the house was starting to get noisier, everyone moving about the house. Connor sighed. He needed to shower, maybe eat something- not that he was hungry - and get ready. The sooner he did that, the sooner he could just see Evan.

God Connor couldn’t think of anything but Evan. He felt like a lovesick schoolgirl- which he wasn’t . He knew he wasn’t. You didn’t just develop feelings for someone you barely knew after what, eight- maybe nine days? He didn’t like Evan Hansen. He liked being around him, sure. He was nice, and didn’t stare at Connor like he was a monster. Plus, there was the fact that Evan literally asked him to kiss him- and then Connor did . It was all just stupid, unneeded feelings that were just getting in the way.

The last thing he needed was to catch feelings for someone at the very end of his life.

Connor groaned as Larry called for him to wake up. Alright. That was fine.

He showered quickly, tied his hair up and went downstairs. He glanced at Zoe, chatting to Larry about jazz band, before passing then without a word. He didn’t know what he wanted from the kitchen. He wasn’t hungry, and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk to his family.

“Why’s your hair like that?” Zoe asked as Connor opened the fridge.

“It was wet, didn’t want it in my face,” Connor replied dully, grabbing an orange. He leant against the counter as he quickly peeled it.

“Maybe if you didn’t want it in your face you should cut it,” Larry said, sipping his coffee as his eyes stayed glued to newspaper. Connor clenched his jaw, looking down at the orange. He wasn’t going to fight or be rude. He swallowed, before taking the elastic out of his hair, shaking it out.

“Whatever,” he muttered, tossing the peels in the garbage.

“He’s got a point,” Cynthia added. Connor shook his head.

“Jesus whatever I’ll cut my fucking hair if it’ll make you all shut up,” Connor said sarcastically, pushing himself off the counter. “Anything else you want to criticize about me before I get criticized to the moon and back at school?” he snapped.

Zoe rolled her eyes and Cynthia flinched. Connor shook his head, walking passed them all.

“He’s probably high,” Zoe muttered. Connor stopped, and turned around.

“I’m not high,” he said sternly.

“Oh right you’re just an angry asshole all the time,” Zoe replied.

“I answered the stupid fucking question you asked about me hair!” Connor snapped. “I was minding my own business! You started it!”

“Oh I did not!” Zoe snapped.

“Yes you did!” Connor yelled back. She stood up abruptly from her chair, knocking the table harshly.

“Why would I ever want to start some stupid argument with you?!” Zoe asked.

“Because you need to make me feel like the bad guy! That’s always the case, right?” Connor replied. Zoe scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. They both took several steps forward.

“Alright you two, break it up,” Cynthia said, finally deciding to step in. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Fuck you,” Connor said. She glared as Connor turned on his heels and made his way to the door, quickly slipping on the first pair of shoes he could find.

“Fuck you too!” Zoe yelled back.

“Connor you can’t leave without Zoe,” Cynthia said.  

“No need, I’m walking,” Connor said. He left out the front door before anyone could stop him, and stormed down the street, fumbling to put his headphones in as he walked.

He for sure just wanted to see Evan now.

Of course, Evan wasn’t at school first thing. Or, he decided to avoid his regular schedule today. Jared was just standing there looking like a lost puppy. If Evan wasn’t there, wouldn’t he have just moved on by now?

“Hey Connor, loving the new hairstyle, very school shooter chic,” Jared laughed. Connor rolled his eyes as he approached Jared, rather reluctantly. He didn’t want to talk to Jared. At all. He knew the ass was just going to make his day worse but…

“Have you seen Evan?” he asked, sticking his hands into his jacket pockets. Jared furrowed his eyebrows.

“What do you want with Evan?” Jared asked. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Have you seen him?” Connor repeated.

“No, not yet,” Jared said bluntly. “Since when did you two talk?”

Connor shook his head. “Just… if you see him let me know.”

“Yeah, will do,” Jared said sarcastically, before walking away.

“Like I’d stick the school creep on my friend,” Jared muttered. Connor sighed and ran a hand through his hair, leaning up against Evan’s locker. What Jared didn’t know. Not like it mattered. Connor could tell Jared everything and he wouldn’t even remember it in twenty four hours.

He waited passed the bell at Evan’s locker, just waiting for Evan to show up. Still, first period went and Evan wasn’t there. He even waited through second period, the only period that he cared about - and nothing.

Nothing at all. Evan just- wasn’t at school today. He didn’t show up- which was so unlike Evan. Evan always wanted to be at school, at least for the morning, just in case the day reset. Connor figured it was probably easy for him to just explain to his mom that he left halfway because of something that could have happened.

He sighed, fidgeting with his hands. Evan wouldn’t just ditch. Or maybe he would. Connor didn’t really know Evan as much as he liked to think he did. Evan was just… Evan.

Evan felt the same way he did. Even with that stupid letter he never thought that Evan could feel even close to how he did. Does. God Evan felt the same as him.

Not to mention he just confessed everything to Connor last night. He seemed… distant too. Not in the oh I really like you and don’t know how to ask distant but the oh I’m going to do something stupid kind of distant and…

Fuck.

Connor couldn’t die. Not in the loop anyways, he’s tested that theory nine times. Evan however… Well, they didn’t know. Who knew what Evan could do. The rules might not be the same for Evan. Connor was always the second one to fall asleep- to trigger the reset. He didn’t even remember waking up last night. The day reset though. Evan wasn’t here- Jared hadn’t heard from him at all.

Connor stood up quickly at the sound of the bell, eventually tracking down Jared at a vending machine.

“Jared,” Connor shouted as he started walking away. Jared paused, before turning to face Connor with a stupid, clearly faked grin.

“Still no sign of Evan?” Connor asked, his hands once again in his jacket pockets. He furrowed his eyebrows, lightly gnawing on the inside of his cheek.

“Nope,” Jared said. “He’s probably fine. Why do you even care?” Jared asked, popping open his bag of chips.

“Because he was being weird yesterday just- can you text him or something?” Connor asked.

“Why can’t you?” Jared scoffed.

“I don’t have his number! Fuck! Just please ,” Connor said. Jared rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone. Connor stepped closer, reading over his shoulder as he typed.

To Tree Boy: Your boyfriend wants to know where you are

To Tree Boy: Hes like seriouslu distraught lmao

“Evan and I aren’t dating,” Connor scoffed. But he wished they were . He coughed, startled by his own thoughts. They weren’t dating, but Connor wouldn’t complain if they were. Hell, right now he just wanted to make sure Evan was alive. He was being stupid to assume he wasn’t but who knew. They didn’t know the rules of this whole thing.

“Yeah sure you’re not,” Jared laughed. “Fuck just the way you’re talking about him, it’s so obvious you two are doing stuff under the sheets.”

“Just tell him Connor’s looking for him,” Connor said. Jared rolled his eyes.

From Jared: He wants me to clarify i am talking about connor cause apparently you two arent dating  

“We aren’t dating asshole!” Connor exclaimed, slapping Jared in the arm. Jared laughed and rolled his eyes. Connor scoffed.

From Jared: But like friends dont just worry this much about each other

“Jared seriously! Stop fucking pushing this stupid idea,” Connor muttered. Why he was denying it, he had no clue. Suddenly the idea of being with Evan was kind of scary because well, Evan could have gone off and do something stupid. If Evan was gone then, well, he’d never get that chance and god he was stupid to feel this way but it was stressing him out more and more and-

From Jared: For the love gosh darn god reply he is legit shaking

“I’m not shaking,” Connor snapped.

“Uh yes you are dude look at you,” Jared laughed, looking Connor up and down. Connor opened his mouth to yell, before closing it, only to once again open it seconds later, before just shaking his head.

“I’m not getting a reply,”Jared said casually, leaning against the vending machine. Connor hesitated, shaking his head lightly. There were so many different places he could be or things he could be doing right now. He was probably fine, Connor reasoned, but he couldn’t think that. He couldn’t picture Evan being fine in this moment.

Was this how Evan felt about him when he told Evan all the stupid shit he did every night?

“F…. Fuck! ” Connor shouted, before storming down the hallway.

He was going to Evan’s then. That was the first place he needed to check.

He probably sped the entire ride there, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to prove his stupid mind that this stupid thoughts weren’t true.

They couldn’t be true. Connor was just being irrational. Didn’t Evan say something about regretting it the minute he let go? He could have sworn Evan said something like that.

He got out of his car as quickly as he could, before rushing up to Evan’s front door.

Before he could even think, he was knocking violently on the door,  muttering nonsense under his breath.

Then the door opened and Evan was standing there in what looked like pyjamas and he was okay . Connor felt like a complete idiot. He knew Evan was going to be okay.

His felt his entire body just relax as he just stared at Evan, before he stepped forward and just hugged him as tightly as he could.

“You scared the fuck out of me you know,” Connor muttered, hugging him even tighter. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Evan’s shoulder. He could just kiss him right then and there. But he was okay, and Connor was happy with that.

Evan was okay. Connor knew he was going to be okay, he was just thinking like an idiot. Still, Evan was okay.

“Evan what on earth are you doing?” Connor asked as Evan got up from where they were sitting on the ground. He didn’t bother turning around to face the other, instead finishing off most of his joint.

“Climbing,” Evan said happily, the tree rustling and swaying behind him.

Connor sighed and shook his head, chuckling softly.

“Evan, that’s how you broke your arm,” Connor said.

“Yes but this time I’m only five feet up and I don’t plan on jumping,” Evan replied. Connor froze for a moment, looking down at his hands. Yeah, he didn’t plan on jumping last night either… Especially after he promised that he wouldn’t. Connor opened his mouth to speak, but decided to get up and face Evan instead.

Connor smiled softly, cocking his head to the side as he stood up against Evan, whose knee was digging into his chest as he sat up on the tree branch. Then Evan took his hands off of the branch and he was shaking a bit and clearly not balanced.

“Put your hands back on the branch,” Connor said, putting out his cigarette.

“You’re not my Mom,” Evan said with a small chuckle. He swung his legs back and forth lightly and still , he wasn’t completely balanced. He was so adorable and happy looking though.

“You’re going to hurt yourself,” Connor said sternly.

“Geez high Connor is no fun,” Evan said. “I’m fine! Stop being so stubborn,” he laughed. Connor scowled. He was going to hurt himself but Connor guessed he couldn’t fight it.

“Fine stay there, see if I care,” Connor said. He went to turn around and sit down again, but then Evan spoke and well, what he said just caused Evan to freeze.

“If I were to hang upside down would you spiderman kiss me?” Evan asked. Yes. Yes I would . He bit his lip, fidgeting with his hands as he leant against the oak tree.

“Evan that’s how you’d kill yourself. You have a cast,” Connor laughed, trying to keep it casual. He didn’t have to. Evan liked him too. He knew Evan liked him. So why was he so nervous?

“Well it would be fun. You know- I wanna climb higher,” Evan said.

With that, Connor turned back to face him. He was not letting Evan climb any higher. He was being reckless and stupid and god he had smoked some of Connor’s pot, not like that was enough to affect him. In one swift movement, Connor pulled him down. The two tumbled, rolling down the grass just a bit in a rather painful way, but landed with Evan’s head inches away from hitting a root of a tree, with Connor laying on top of him, straddling him on either side.

Evan giggled. Connor held back a groan as he closed his eyes, waiting for the shock to just wear down before getting up off of Evan.

Connor’s lips parted as he stared down at Evan, propping himself up with his arms as he leaned down to be closer to Evan. His heart was racing and fuck it he was going to kiss Evan Hansen.

Evan burst out laughing.

“Way to ruin a moment,” Connor said playfully, though he didn’t feel playful at all. Evan probably just didn’t know how to handle what was going on. He was pretty sure he still liked Connor.

“I’m sorry I just- I was thinking about like… this is straight out of some stupid romance novel,” Evan laughed. “Well, actually they’re not stupid. I read them sometimes and they are so cheesy but they’re good? And- you were about to kiss me,” Evan rambled.

Connor nodded slowly. What else was he supposed to say?

“Would you maybe wanna try again?” Evan asked. “I-I won’t laugh this time!”

“Maybe,” Connor said. “What’s the magic word?”

“Please,” Evan said.

“Nope.” Connor smiled softly. Now he just wanted to tease Evan for ruining the moment. Granted, he probably would have done it too.

“Weed?”

“No.”

“Connor Murphy if you- if you do not kiss me this second well I will uh, I’ll just kiss you instead,” Evan said.

Connor laughed.

“So cheesy romance novels, eh?” Connor said. Evan rolled his eyes.

“Just kiss me?” Evan said with a small pout.

Connor wrapped his arms around Evan’s neck and smiled, cocking his head to the side. He took his time leaning in, partly just mentally preparing himself, partly because he still wanted to tease Evan for ruining the moment. He was an ass, he knew that and that was

Evan pushed Connor lightly off of him, and Connor was quick to climb off his lap.

“Are you ok?” Connor said. Ah yes, just could on Connor to fuck things up.

“I just- yeah but I just don’tWantYouToKissMeIfYouDon’tWantTo,” Evan said quickly. “It’s uh, it’s so unfair to you and you shouldn’t just have to do something because you pity me like. That’s stupid and I uh, don’t want you to have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Evan…” Connor trailed off. He paused for a moment, before thinking of how he could phrase things.

“I really do want to kiss you… Like I want to not just feel like I have to,” Connor said.

“Oh.”

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

Evan hesitated, before nodding.

Again, Connor came closer to Evan and sat on his lap again. This time, he wasted no time in pulling Evan into him and kissing him.

Chapter Text

Connor fiddled with his hands as he stood in the kitchen, far too early for anyone else to be awake. Evan wanted to come over today. Evan was coming over today, and Connor didn’t know how to feel about that. Yesterday was fun- it was so nice and cute and Evan was such a dork and he didn’t want to ruin it by having him meet his parents.

The floorboards creaked above him as Cynthia started to stir. Connor ran a hand down his face and started making a pot of coffee. He didn’t like the shit, but he was too tired to not have any. Plus, maybe the simple gesture would make everyone be a little less pissed at him. The shower turned on upstairs, and Connor plugged in his headphones.

He frowned. What was he supposed to say?

Hey parents, so I know I’m a horrible person and you don’t think I have any friends but I do. We made out yesterday and he wants to meet you. So he’s coming over for dinner tonight. Sorry for the late notice! Bye!

Connor laughed. He didn’t know how to do this. Maybe he could just tell Evan that his parents were busy. Granted, Evan knew they wouldn’t be busy. They weren’t any other times in the loop so why would they be now?

He hummed along to his music, hoisting himself to sit on the kitchen counter with his coffee, which had more milk than coffee. He pulled out his phone, tempted to just text Evan that he couldn’t do the whole meet the parents thing. The one flaw in it all- Connor didn’t have Evan’s number.

They never tried to exchange numbers. It never occurred to them really. Or at least, it never occured to Connor. Everything reset- the only thing that didn’t reset was Evan’s cast. Other than that, well, he didn’t know.

Connor felt however he died the morning after, usually only until around ten. Why that took so long when everything else didn’t, Connor had no clue. It was a pain though. He was getting tired of trying to think of new creative ways to off himself and hope they worked. He didn’t really want to do that anymore. Especially when he got the pleasure of waking up with two big bloody scars, bruises the size of Texas or sore backs, depending on his method.

The itching feeling was always there. Connor knew it would always be there, but he liked hanging out with Evan. It was so stupid- Evan was his crutch. That wasn’t good, he knew that. Especially since he barely knew Evan but… Maybe once they got out of this whole loop Connor could try and work on some stuff.

He didn’t want to. He didn’t know how. He just didn’t want Evan to be alone.

“Connor?”  

Connor flinched, taking out his headphones as he jumped off of the counter.

“Uh, morning,” he said with a small nod, grabbing his mug and going to walk passed Cynthia. Before he could get through the kitchen doorway, her hand was out in front of him. He grimaced and turned around, returning to his position leaning against the counter.

“What are you doing up so early?” She asked, her hair still up in a towel, as she poured herself some coffee from the pot.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Connor said. He bit the inside of his cheek and looked down at the coffee. If they hated Evan, they wouldn’t remember tomorrow. If they hated him for being gay, the wouldn’t know tomorrow.

Granted, they already hated him for enough reasons. His sexualty could just be another cherry on top of the cake.

“Nervous about the first day?” Cynthia asked.

“Something like that,” Connor muttered, pouring the rest of his coffee down the drain.

“Care to talk about it,” Cynthia said. Connor sighed and shook his head.

“Nope,” he said casually. He forced a small smile, before once again making a break to leave the kitchen.

“Connor don’t you dare think about it,” Cynthia warned. Connor huffed and turned around once more, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen.

“What?” Connor asked.

“I just want you to talk to me,” Cynthia said. “What’s got you up so early?”

Connor shook his head, looking down at his hands. He sighed.

“I’ll… talk when La- Dad’s up,” Connor said, before once again turning to leave.

This time she didn’t stop him, instead told him she was holding you to it and Connor was off.

He stepped outside on the back porch, instinctively grabbing the pack of smokes Larry hid under the flower pot and lighting one. He sat down on the back step and rested his head against the railing.

Connor sighed, closing his eyes.

He just wanted today to be over. Both the next twenty four hours, and September Third. Tonight was going to be a disaster. He knew it. Everything was a disaster when it came to Connor.

Yesterday wasn’t a disaster. Yesterday was nice. Connor just wished those stupid matching bracelets had stayed. Actually well, he didn’t check if his was still in the car or not. He probably should have brought it inside, but he didn’t. Not that it really mattered anyways.

He sighed, opening his eyes again.

He just wanted this loop to be over and done with. One way or another. He was tired of being tired and dealing with everything but nothing all at once. Now though, he didn’t even know what everything was. Ask him three or four days ago, he would just simply say living. He was done with that. He thought he was.

Still, his mind was going back to how irrational it was. He couldn’t want to die one day and not the next. All because of a boy. A charming, sweet, adorable boy who for some reason was reliving this stupid thing with him. Not that Connor was complaining. Connor probably wouldn’t complain too much about Evan being around.

He felt like a broken record. All he could think about was Evan and what Evan was doing and whether or not Evan slept after they triggered the restart by falling asleep. Evan was consuming his thoughts at an unhealthy rate.

But thinking of Evan kept other things off of his mind. If he could keep those things off of his mind, everything would be okay. Well it wouldn’t, but Connor could pretend for a while. Maybe if Connor just pretended it was true, it would become true.

That would be the dream. A dream so far out of reach Connor couldn’t even see it. Unless he got high. Sometimes getting high made his mind feel clearer. He knew that wasn’t how it worked but again. He could pretend.

The soft tapping on a window brought Connor from his thoughts. He turned around to see Cynthia waving him inside. He was hoping maybe she’d just forget he promised to tell her something once Larry was up but… apparently not.

He put out the cigarette on the cement of the porch, before getting up.

“You know I don’t like you smoking Connor,” Cynthia said as he walked in the door.

“Not like you can stop me,” he replied with a small shrug.

“Well I wish you would,” she sighed. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Well I wish you got off my back,” Connor remarked, storming passed her to get to the kitchen.

“We’re not finished talking about this,” Cynthia said as she followed him to the table. “You wanted to tell us something?” She changed the subject before Connor could say anything more.

Larry looked up from his coffee, while Zoe muttered something Connor didn’t quite catch but just knew it was something along the lines of oh god. Connor huffed, before he leaned against the wall.

“It’s nothing,” he dismissed. He made up his mind- Evan wasn’t coming tonight.

“Well it was something half an hour ago,” Cynthia said.

“He was probably just going to tell you he’s dropping out of school,” Zoe remarked. Connor scoffed and rolled his eyes once again.

“Fuck you,” he snapped.

“Fuck you!” She snapped back without hesitation, turning her entire chair just to be able to look Connor dead in the eye. He didn’t break his gaze with her, and neither did she.

“Zoe don’t go antagonizing your brother. He doesn’t need that on the first day-”

“I have a friend coming over after school,” Connor said, directing it to Cynthia but his gaze was still pinned on Zoe.

Zoe snorted, finally breaking their gaze as she hid her face with her hand, bending over as she tried to suppress her laughter. Larry just stared at him with wide eyes, while Cynthia just smiled softly.

“Jesus it’s not that big of a deal,” Connor muttered.

“Who wants to hang out with you?” Zoe asked.

“Evan Hansen,” Connor replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Evan Hansen wants to hang out with you? Geez that kid can barely hold a conversation,” Zoe remarked. Connor shook his head.

“Yeah well I like him enough to be dating him,” Connor said, the words not registering in his brain.

“You’re dating Evan Hansen?” Zoe asked.

“Who’s Evan?” Cynthia asked.

“His boyfriend, clearly,” Zoe said smugly.

“Well yes I realize that-”

“So Connor’s gay?” Larry asked.

“Yes I’m gay jesus I didn’t think it was that subtle,” Connor said.

“Even I know he’s gay and I avoid him at all cost,” Zoe said.

“Wait so Evan is coming over tonight?” Cynthia asked, shutting everyone up.

“Yes,” Connor said.

“Oh honey this is wonderful! I didn’t know you had a friend,” Cynthia said.

“A boyfriend,” Zoe corrected.

“Oh my god…” Connor muttered.

“How come we never heard about him?” Cynthia asked.

“You never asked about him,” Connor said.

“Well I never knew he existed,” Cynthia replied. “Zoe did you know about this?”

“The only time I’ve seen the two together was when Connor shoved him,” Zoe said. Connor furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at her. That never happened. Not outside of the loop, anyways.

“You shoved him?” Cynthia asked, her mouth agape.

“It was before we were dating. Just a misunderstanding. My point is! He’s coming tonight. He wants to meet you,” Connor said, brushing off Zoe’s stupid and  baffling comment. He never shoved Evan- he did. On the first, first day of school.

Maybe it was something like what was happening with Jared. Jared made that comment about having deja vu with Connor and Evan just being a couple and well… it made sense if Zoe started to remember things too.

“Well that’s a shame,” Zoe commented. “Granted he’s already met the worse of the family.”

“You better mean you,” Connor snapped. Zoe laughed bitterly.

“Oh yeah. I totally didn’t mean you,” she said sarcastically.

Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. Without a word, because he knew if he did it would start a screaming contest, Connor grabbed his things and made his way outside to the car. He started it and just waited for Zoe to come out so he could drive the two.

He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited, humming to the song as he gazed around his car.

Eventually his eyes landed on the cup holders in the middle of the car and Connor felt his heart skip a beat. With hesitant hands, he reached out and grabbed what he thought was- and turned out to be, the player one bracelet. He furrowed his eyebrows as he turned it in his hand. It stayed.

But the date did too.

He glanced up as Zoe was leaving the front door, putting her bag over her shoulder.

Connor glanced down at the bracelet again, before up to Zoe.

Without even thinking about it, Connor started the car and pulled out of the driveway before Zoe could even get close to it. He went off down the road as fast as he could, just catching Zoe throw her hands up in anger behind him as she stood on the porch.

Connor cracked a small smile, and all it did was grow as he moved to Evan’s house.

He shut off the car in a stumbled haze as he slipped the bracelet on his wrist. God he could just cry right now! It stayed, which could mean anything, but it stayed .

Without thinking about what was going on on the other side of the door, Connor started to violently knocking on the door, just waiting for Evan to open up.

Connor pulled his hand down as Evan opened the door. Clearly the other had just woken up, but that thought was quickly put to the back of his mind as he smiled, just looking at Evan. He did the first thing he could think of, and lunged forward, kissing Evan as hard as he could because fuck the stupid bracelet stayed! The money didn’t- he didn’t even think to check his wallet.

“Fuck Evan this is amazing,” Connor said excitedly as he pulled away. Evan raised an eyebrow as he head shifted to the side.

“What is?” Evan asked.

Connor pulled his left arm away to show the player one bracelet still wrapped around his wrist. Evan looked down at the bracelet and then to Connor, who was practically shaking with excitement.

“It…”

“It stayed, yeah,” Connor said.

“The day-”

“No. It’s still September third but… it stayed ,” Connor said. “Did yours?”

“Why can’t you get it through your thick skull? They love you!” Evan yelled. Connor stood, frozen as Evan yelled at him. Everything was fine and then his stupid family had to go and talk to Evan and now everything was just fucked up.

“Why can’t you see that? This entire week- since this started, I’ve learned to look past the shitty things Jared’s done because yeah- he’s kinda a dick, but he’s trying. I know he cares about me and I know he means well, so I fucking forgive him! Alana was kind of annoying when I- when I met her, but now, looking on her side of things, she is just as lonely and just as desperate for friends as I am! Since this whole experience started I’ve grown . I’ve looked past the shitty things about people and I look at them as a whole, because that’s what they are. They’re a person, with layers and  personality and a reason to be forgiven!” Evan yelled.

“If I can grow and look passed these things, why can’t you?”

“Because,” Connor started. He didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know why he was so reluctant to change.

“Because?” Evan echoed. Connor swallowed, furrowing his eyebrows.

“My parents don’t have any reason to be forgiven! No one does because they don’t care about me! They’re horrible people!” Connor said. That wasn’t true. Connor knew- he didn’t like them, but clearly that was just a stupid bias. Whatever conversation Cynthia and Evan had before this stupid argument probably was true. Was probably healthy and Connor hated to think that.

In his eyes, his parents were just straight up monsters.

Evan rolled his eyes.

“So what does that make you, huh? What does that make you Connor? Because I’m looking at both sides of the story, and just by the little bit I saw of you at the dining table, you treat them like shit and you deserve to be treated that way if you do,” Evan snapped.

“That’s not fucking fair!”

“It is! You’re not flawless and neither are they. So, until you learn to look back fucking flaws and see them as your family, don’t bother talking to me,” Evan said bitterly. “I need someone who is willing to put in the effort to repair things that are broken, and clearly you’re not.”

Connor was shaking now because no no no no he wasn’t losing Evan. Not this early into whatever they had. He couldn’t lose Evan.

He couldn’t lose his one reason to want to stay alive.

“So what? It’s over? It’s over before it’s even begun?” Connor asked, his bottom lip quivering. He knew it was stupid to rely so heavily on Evan. Here he was- wanting to get away from Connor only days after deciding he wanted to be with him. Connor couldn’t blame him either. Evan was right. He just a fucking monster. A horrible, unforgivable, horrible-

“No. I don’t want to lose you Connor, I don’t. You’re my player one… but… You need to grow up,” Evan said.

“Evan…”

“I’m going home. If you care about me at all, you’ll uh, you’ll talk to your family and try to fix what’s broken,” Evan said.

“How are you getting home?” Connor asked, desperate to try and just get Evan to stay.

“I have a bus pass.”

And with that Evan stormed off, and Connor stood frozen, his thoughts racing a thousands miles a minute.

It wasn’t until he heard the front door slam that Connor finally moved. He shook his head, before punching the air like an idiot, before he sat down on the bed.

“ Fuck!” Connor yelled, grabbing at the roots of his hair. That was once fucking way to ruin your entire life in two seconds.

“That lasted long,” Zoe said sarcastically as she passed.

‘Fuck off Zoe!” Connor shouted, bolting up to the door. She cocked her hip to the side.

“What, Evan have a wittle opinion that you didn’t agree with so you chased him off?” she mocked, probably having heard it all. Connor clenched his jaw, shaking his head.

“Listen- just. Fucking leave me alone ,” Connor said desperately, wanting to cry like an idiot. Zoe shook her head. “We argued because he was right. I know he’s right, so fuck off. I know you heard it all,” Connor said, before slamming the door in her face.

He muttered incoherently as he sat down on his bed.

Whether or not Connor actually knew Evan was right, he didn’t know. He knew he was in the wrong too though. That was the worst part.

Despite all the stupid urges swimming in his head, Connor just swallowed him, before he laid down on his bed. Just because things didn’t happen the way he wanted them to didn’t mean it was a reason for him to decide just to kill himself.

He needed to fix all this shit. He didn’t know how, but he knew he needed to.

In order to fix shit, he needed to be alive.

Not like he could kill himself anyways.

The next morning, Connor was quiet. He knew no on remembered any of the events from last night. Still, he treated them as if they did. He slowly and hesitantly made his way downstairs after having gotten ready. At this point, everyone had settled into the kitchen, just like the very first day.

He offered a small smile to Zoe, who was engrossed in her phone. He was tired and scared- mostly because he had accepted the fact that. Yes. Connor was actually a really horrible person to his family. His family might not have been any better, but if he was a bit more decent to them they might return it.

He passed them all silently and grabbed an orange from the fruit basket.

“Connor are you okay?” Cynthia asked. Connor offered a small smile, before going back to his orange.

“Not really,” he said honestly, trying to use the tone he normally used with Evan. Not bitter just… pleasant. In the subtlest way possible. “I uh… just kind of dreading the day.”

“Well, I’m sure it won’t be that bad,” she said softly. Connor nodded.

“Yeah I just… had an argument with a- a friend,” he said, stumbling over his words. He didn’t want them to know about Evan if Connor didn’t even know what was going on. “I don’t really want to see him today,” he laughed lightly.

“You have a friend?” Cynthia and Zoe asked at the same time, Cynthia’s tone a lot softer than Zoe’s.

“Yeah, well, had ,” Connor said with another dull chuckle. “Evan Hansen?”

“You’re friends with Evan Hansen? But that kid’s a-”

“Zo, please… I really don’t want to deal with that today,” Connor said.

“Whatever,” she muttered, going back to her phone.

“Well, I’m sure you and Evan? Evan can patch things up,” Cynthia said.

“Yeah like he’s able to patch things up with us?” Zoe asked. Connor stayed silent, tossing the peeled orange in his hand as he just waited for the ridicule.

“Zoe I’m trying my best to be a decent person right now,” Connor said.

“Yeah but come tonight you’ll be back to your normal self,” Zoe said. Connor rolled his eyes, shaking his head lightly.

“I don’t want to be,” Connor said.

“But we all know it’s going to happen,” Zoe said.

“I don’t want it to happen!” Connor raised his voice, finally looking up to face Zoe. “It would help if maybe you didn’t poke me like a fucking science project!”

Zoe shook her head, laughing bitterly once again as she opened her mouth to speak, thankful for Cynthia to shut her up.

“Zoe please! He said it himself- he’s trying not to start an argument,” Cynthia said. Connor looked at her with a small smile, which quickly faded.

“He’s either high or he wants something- I hope you know that,” Zoe warned, getting up from the table. “If Connor isn’t ready in ten minutes I’m leaving without him.”

“I’m ready,” Connor said, following Zoe to the front door.

“Yeah sure you are,” Zoe said. “You’re never ready for anything.”

“I am for some things,” Connor snapped back.

“Oh yeah, like what?”

Connor hesitated, trying to think of something to come to mind.

Connor let Zoe drive, plugging in his headphones to try and minimize the arguing between the two. It wasn’t until they got closer to the school that he dared to take them out, his gaze still going through the open window.

“What did you pay Evan?” Zoe asked.

“What?” Connor snapped, looking over to her.

“How much are you paying Evan to be your friend?” Zoe asked.

Connor scoffed and shook his head.

“Nothing. We’re just friends,” Connor said.

“I don’t believe that.”

“Can’t you just trust me?” Connor asked.

“Yeah last time I did that you nearly killed us both,” Zoe said sarcastically. “And the time before that, and the time before that you fucking overdosed on a bottle of pills.”

Connor sucked in his breath as his body tensed up.

“It was a mistake,” Connor said quietly. “It was all a mistake…”

“Fuck yeah it was a mistake. Scarred me for life. I can’t open the bathroom door anymore without knowing where you are in the house,” Zoe snapped. Connor went silent, picking at the skin around his thumb.

“I’m sorry Zoe,” Connor said.

“You’re sorry?” she asked as she parked the car.

“Yes! I’m sorry for… scaring you. For overdosing and trying to kill myself and only ever taking into account what you guys were doing to me- not what I was doing to you,” Connor said, not daring to look up at Zoe. It wasn’t like she’d believe him anyways.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Zoe said as she unbuckled. Connor grabbed her arm as she tried to leave the car, pulling her back in.

“It would help if maybe you didn’t attack me when I try to show it,” Connor said hesitantly.

“I don’t attack you,” she said.

“Well, uh, you did this morning… I really want to try,” Connor said.

“Okay,” Zoe said. “Alright. You do your half, I’ll do mine.”

“Be patient with me?” Connor asked. Zoe grimaced.

“Yeah I can try.” Zoe seemed hesitant to agree to this deal. If they weren’t about to part ways to go into the school, Connor knew it would just spark up in an argument again.

While Zoe could say she’d try, they both knew Connor would probably break his end of the promise. Not that Zoe would remember any of this come the morning. Still, she still held this bitterness with her as she went to get out of the car again.

“Thank you.”

They both got out of the car, and Zoe went on ahead of Connor to meet up with her friends. Connor sighed softly as he followed behind, his eyes quickly landing on Evan.

Evan was clearly pissed off at him still as they spoke. Connor couldn’t blame him. The entire time Connor continued to just talk down his family, despite the fact that he knew Evan was right. He wanted to tell Evan he was right, but of course none of the words formed properly in his mouth and he just dug himself into a deeper hole.

Still, he wanted to try and make things right.

Connor decided then and there that for today, he’d try to avoid any conflict.

Of course, the minute he saw Jared and Evan’s conversation play out, while he couldn’t hear it, he broke that promise.

“The fuck did you say to Evan?” Connor snapped as he approached Jared. Clearly, it was neither Evan nor Connor’s day today.

“I didn’t say anything mean I swear! He just… is in a weird mood. I don't- he was all angry when I walked up,” Jared said, dismissing Connor’s hostile advantages.

“Clearly he stormed off a lot more upset than when you approached him,” Connor pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Why do you care so much about him anyways?” Jared said.

“Because- why do you?” Connor shot back.

“That wasn’t my question,” Jared replied. Connor shook his head.

“Look, Evan and I are a thing okay? We- might be! I don’t know- all I know is you upset him more than you make him happy and you need to lay off,” Connor said. All of which was a lie. He didn’t know if that was actually the case. He just knew from the little glimpses he got during the loop.

“Dude, like I said, he came up to me crazy pissed. If you care so much talk to him yourself,” Jared dismissed.

Connor could have carried out an argument then and there, but decided it really wasn’t his place to do that. So instead, he stiffly nodded before leaving.

Connor tied his hair up halfway through second period, making a mental note to just cut it all off since it was such a pain to deal with. He knew he probably wouldn't do it, but fuck he kind of wanted to.

When lunch came around, Connor debated whether or not he wanted to go to the computer lab. He knew Evan was going to be there- where else would he go? Connor sighed as his feet started bringing him towards where he knew Evan was going to be.

Evan was rambling to himself, sitting at one of the computers.  He was typing words, but there was no ways they reflected what was coming out of his mouth.

“-He doesn't want me, he only knows I exist because we're living this loop together. Once we get out of it, if we get out of it, Connor will be gone. And I'll be alone once again. Maybe I'll just follow Connor. That would probably be easier. I wish I could just lead myself, but like I’m capable of that,”

Connor slowly walked in, not wanting to stop the other. He wanted to hear what Evan had to say. Even if he had clearly missed the first half of the letter he was writing to himself.

“I just… want this all to be done. For all of this drama to be done… I want to see tomorrow. Not like, symbolically like I want to live to see tomorrow but a, like uh, I want it to be tomorrow so I know what’s done will be done… Like, god that doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes any sense anyways. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters.

“I just went full circle…” he laughed. “I felt like nothing I did mattered, then I met Connor and something happened, but I’m back to where I was. Nothing I do matters… nothing I say, nothing I do, nothing I think . If I were to disappear tomorrow, no one would notice.”.

“No one would notice because there is no tomorrow,” Evan sighed before he shutdown the computer. Connor felt his heart break into a million pieces.

“I’d care,”Connor said hesitantly, clearing his throat. Evan jumped, before turning around.

“You heard that?” Evan asked. Connor closed his eyes and nodded slowly.

“Every bit of it,” Connor said.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said. “I-I I just… I shouldn’t have- last night… it was, I shouldn’t… I don’t know and I just- earlier today I just-”

“Evan you’re right,” Connor said. It felt so good to just admit that.

“I- what?”

“You were right. I… My parents are assholes, but I’m one too and- well, the main reason they are is because I don’t treat them like my parents. I need to change, and it’s the thing that will help me get better and fix- or, try to repair the years of damage my family has gone through,” Connor said. “I’ll admit, I was pissed when you said that shit last night but… you were so right .”

“Why bother fixing it if you’re just uh, just… going to… to…” Evan muttered.

“I don’t,” Connor said.

“You…”

“I want to see tomorrow. I want to get better- to try and fix my relationship with my parents and Zoe and… I want to be with you… Which is crazy, and I get it this relationship is all so new but, I do… I want to see where this everything takes me,” Connor said. “I’ve still got issues, and I’ve still got those thoughts- they’re not going away over night - but everything is looking up now and…”

He shrugged and Evan smiled softly.

“That’s… that’s really good,” Evan said.

“I’m- yeah,” Connor said. “I’m sorry for getting so pissed last night- at you, at my parents.”

“It was a uh, two person effort,” Evan said. They both exchanged a small chuckle.

“So we’re okay?” Evan said.

“Our relationship is… yes but- are you?” Connor said. Evan looked down.

“No… I just… need to get out of this… whole situation,” Evan said. “I need the day to change- I need to be able to make progress I just… can’t take this anymore.”

“Come here.”

Evan stood up and wrapped his arms around Connor’s waist, resting his head on Connor’s shoulder. Connor ran his hand down Evan’s back and kissed his forehead. This felt far from perfect. He knew this entire situation was flawed but… it was okay. They were okay. For now.

Connor fell asleep in Evan’s bed that night, and he hadn’t slept that well since the whole thing started. He hated knowing that when he woke up he’d be in his own bed, especially after how the day happened, but at least he could just enjoy it before he woke up.

Of course, then he actually woke up in Evan’s bed and it turned out that the day didn’t move on. Which honestly, was kind of okay for Connor. The day definitely wasn’t the worst for him. Evan on the other hand, well Connor noticed him nearly spiraling into a panic attack.

“Let’s just stay here,” Connor said, leaning in to kiss Evan once the two had calmed down. Everything had kind of register in both their brains at this point.

Evan playfully pushed the other away. When Connor moved back to hovering over him, Evan brushed his hair behind his ear.

“It’s not a repeat anymore,” Evan said. “We kind of have to go.”

Connor sighed and rolled off of Evan’s lap, landing beside him on the bed. Evan flopped his head over to the one side and put his cast on his chest.

“Okay this actually kind of sucks,” Connor laughed. Evan chuckled and shook his head.

“That’s what I’ve been telling you,” Evan said.

There was a brief pause.

“You could always just come over after school… it’s not like anyone will be home,” Evan pointed out. Connor made a small agreement sound.

“I just-”

Connor’s phone started ringing. He sighed and looked at the contact, before answering the phone, sitting up on the bed.

Connor sat, dumbfounded as a worried Zoe was rambling into the receiver.

“ Where the fuck have you been? I- we’ve all been stressing about you the entire night and we didn’t know what could have happened to you- ”

“I’m fine, okay!”

“ -And I fucking thought you went and killed yourself! ”

“No Zoe I didn’t- why would you think -”

“ I don’t know! Just the way you talked to me yesterday, I thought maybe that was like- your goodbye or something! ”

“No-”

“ - Oh and don’t get me started on mom- ”

“- I… I know I’m sorry-” Connor choked out. Zoe paused briefly on the other side of the phone.

“ You’re sorry ?”

“Yes of course I’m sorry! I really am, yes-”

“ Where are you? ”

“I’m uh, at Evan’s”

“ Evan Hansen? ”

“Yes Evan Hansen’s”

“Right! Didn’t you say you were dating him ?”

“Oh my god Zoe, do you need to know everything?”

“ Considering I thought you killed yourself? Yeah I do .”

Connor glanced at Evan before sighing.

“We’re dating, yes”

“So you thought he was more important than checking in with us? ”

“I fell asleep here by mistake-”

“ Yeah well I mean, that would have been nice to know, considering you took your fucking pills with you-”

“My- my pills? What ? Well, yes I uh, yes I have them”

Connor felt around in his pockets to find the empty pill container in his pocket. He didn’t remember grabbing that yesterday.

“We thought you fucking offed yourself Connor,” Zoe snapped him back into the present. “We looked for you all night! We tried the park and- and anywhere we could think to find you!”

“I didn’t know you were going to think that of all things.”

“ Yeah well I did and you worried all of us to death. ”

Connor’s face fell.  

“Zoe I’m so sorry… I didn’t know!”

“Please tell me you’re coming home tonight. Mom wants to talk to you. ”

“Yes, yes I’ll be home right after school.”

“Good. ”

“Tell Mom and Dad I’m okay”

“And you’ll be okay? ”

“I’ll be okay… I just….” Connor trailed off, repeating her words.

“ You better fucking be ”

“Yes Zoe… yes…”

“I care about you a lot Connor. I don’t show it- I get it, and we both fucking suck but I care about you and… I just want my brother back. And uh, I’m willing to hold up my end of the bargain if you are .”

“I care about you too… Yeah I’ll uh, I’ll see you at school… bye…”

Connor felt his stomach sink as all the words just processed in his brain. He was so stupid- so dumb to think… and he didn’t even take the pill bottle yesterday, but it was completely empty? That made him wonder if everything else left a lasting impact. His pills were gone- he had taken them on the first night. He just never noticed they were gone… until now and-

“That sounded like it went okay,” Evan said softly. Connor shook his head.

“They thought I killed myself,” Connor said. “I… they checked the park I tried… on the first night… almost as if they knew where I was going to be… I never mentioned that park to them at all... I had them up all night … I can’t believe…”

Evan offered a small smile, taking his hand and giving it a soft squeeze.

“Why are you always right?” Connor asked.

“Hmm?”

“Just… I killed myself every single time, thinking that not one of them would care whether or not I woke up tomorrow- well, today… and now that the day has moved on… just hearing Zoe… she sounded genuinely worried and my parents… just the way she talk about them,” Connor said, shivering at the end.

“They love you Connor,” Evan said softly.

“I’m going to make it right,” Connor said. “Fix all of this mess I’ve created. I didn’t mean it at first but… I’ve gone missing several times, just cause I didn’t want to be home and this was the first time they thought I tried to kill myself.” Connor ran a hand through his hair.

“I must have seriously fucked something up recently to make them think that…” Connor muttered.

Evan hesitated and glanced at the clock.

“Maybe… they have the memories of every day? Like uh, suppressed… memories that kind of bring forward deja vu? That was happening a couple days ago with Jared and Alana… they were remembering things from previous loops but uh, dismissed it as deja vu or as something I told them last year… Maybe that’s what happened,” Evan said. Connor hesitated, then nodded.

“Maybe…” he said.

All he knew was that he was going to make whatever he could right. He would try as hard as he could. No matter what it took.

He could try. He was going to fail- he knew that, but he could try.