Archive of Our Own ^beta

Alex reaches for the wine bottle and tips it over to refill her glass.

She frowns when nothing but a few drips fall out, and sets it back down with a sigh. 

“Just my luck” she mutters, and she can feel just those few words slur as they fall from her lips.

So maybe it’s a good thing she’s out of alcohol. She’s certainly drunk enough.

But it’s not enough. The pain is still there. The ache in her heart, returning whenever she’s left alone in her apartment.

Because someone else should be with her, here. But that someone else is gone.

That someone else left three months ago, and Alex knows that she has to get over it, has to get over her, and she’s been trying but- 

The ache just never goes away.

Because it’s all that’s left.

It’s all that was left behind.

And it reminds her constantly of what she gave up. And for what? 

She gave up something real- the most real thing she's ever had- for some dumb notion to be a mother. 

A notion that she’ll get over. She’ll move past it. 

Surely she’ll realize that maybe Maggie really is all that the needs.

And if not- she’ll bury the truth away, because this ache in her heart isn't worth it. 

She grabs her phone and sits back, cuddling into the couch.

Her fingers move clumsily across the numbers, attempting to type in the familiar number, but it’s hard with her hands shaking, her heart pounding-

Luckily, she only has to type in the first three numbers.

Because Alex, against her better judgment, still hasn’t gotten around to deleting her number off of speed dial.

The rest of the number auto fills and all there’s left to do is press the little green button.

And she does, without hesitation.

In her defense, she’s drunk and not thinking clearly. But deep down she knows that this is a bad idea. Maybe one of her worst ideas yet.

Because she knows that the second she hears her voice, it’ll all come flooding back.

She still raises the phone up to her ear, listening to the ringing, waiting for an answer.

Part of her hopes that it’ll go to voicemail.

Maybe it’s better that way. She’ll leave a drunk voicemail, apologize through text later, and then it’ll be over. 

They’ll move on. It’ll be like it never happened.

Alex gets so lost in thought, that she doesn’t realize that the ringing stopped.

There’s a pause, a hesitation, but then a voice on the other end speaks.

A voice, so familiar.

The voice of the woman that she is still so in love with.

“Alex?”

And that’s when she realizes, that’s when it hits her.

This is a mistake.

But her voice.

God, has she missed her voice.

Not that she could ever forget it, but hearing it again-

“I brought pizza!” 

Alex spins around right as Kara enters her apartment, juggling six boxes of pizza.

Kara tilts her head to the side, a small crinkle forming when she notices the empty wine bottle.

And then her glance moves down to the phone, still in Alex’s grasp- still on the call.

Kara sets the pizza boxes on the kitchen table before moving to settle into the couch.

She snuggles into her sister’s side, and slowly slides the phone from her grasp, pressing the end button.

Alex swallows hard, feeling tears burning in her eyes, fogging her vision as she stares at the phone.

“Alex.”

“I miss her” She whispers, closing her eyes as she feels Kara’s thumbs wipe away the few stray tears as they stain her cheeks.

“I know,” Kara says, pressing a firm kiss to her sister’s forehead, before pulling her into her.

Alex lets Kara hold her as she sobs, her body shaking and feeling as if the pain can never and will never go away.

Her phone goes off, causing them both to glance over, to see a notification for a new voicemail.

Kara reaches over to grab it.

She looks up and holds the phone out to Alex.

And it takes everything, everything, for Alex to think through the fog and the ache in her heart. It takes everything for her to not snatch the phone from Kara’s hands, to not press it up to her ear and listen to that voicemail and hear her voice.

And it takes everything for her to say the words.

“Delete it.”

Because if she gives into that urge- she knows that she’ll give into the next one.

The biggest one.

The urge to call Maggie back, hear her voice, and eventually find her own voice.

And use that voice to tell Maggie that she’s sorry. And that she misses her. And that she’s still so in love with her. And plead, beg, for her to come back. She’ll even lie, even say that she doesn’t care about being a mom, that it doesn’t matter and she’ll get over it eventually.

But she doesn’t give into that urge. She doesn’t, not because she doesn’t want to but because she can’t.

She can’t go through it again. 

Maggie taught her how to be herself and not apologize for it.

And keeping a piece of herself hidden-that would just be a step backward.

And Alex just wants to move forward. 

She wants to find love. And be loved.

Even though she knows, without a doubt-

No love will be as real as it was with Maggie.

Because Maggie taught her how to be real.

So now she’s going to take that with her, and move forward.