Chapter Text
I hate music.
It reminds me of my mom, who was an opera singer. It reminds me of my dad, who was a great pianist. It reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, who was a member of the church choir and a clarinet player. It reminds me of my sister, Katherine, who also happens to be a pianist as great as my dad. It reminds me of my youngest sister, Ginny, who sings different Barbie and Disney Princesses songs and was having violin classes.
In short, music reminds me of my painful past.
One sunny morning three years ago, my whole family was getting ready for a trip. Including my ex-girlfriend, Liane, of course. It was a great day for all of us, since it was summer and Liane and I just graduated from junior high. We were all blabbering about the trip since the minute we woke up. I was helping them carry their bags in the car, while whistling to my great, great, great grandfather's brother, Ludwig van Beethoven's Midnight Sonata.
And then half an hour later, we were already on the road, with dad driving while we sang to the songs blasting on the car's stereo. My mom was beside dad, Katherine was beside Ginny, and Liane and I sat at the back. Liane was very close to my family, especially mom, and that made me really happy about it, since she also loves music like my family.
But then, no one knows when tragedy comes, right? So while we were happily singing out loud to Maroon 5 and Simple Plan's songs (all of us liked the same genre, but I enjoyed a bit of hiphop, rock, and ballads before), a few kilometers away a giant truck three times bigger than our car was fast approaching. There was one mistake I didn't do, and I regret it. I was supposed to give dad his medicine mixed in his coffee so he wouldn't faint, but I didn't have the chance to give it to him because I was busy packing things in the car. That was the biggest mistake I ever did I my life.
Because as the truck approached--without us knowing--I noticed dad was getting dizzy, and his eyes were starting to close. Liane, that time, was sleeping on my shoulder, so I just placed her head on the seat as I went over to check on dad. When I reached him, I was telling him to stop driving and just pull over for a minute so he could take his medicine and rest for a bit. But as mom and I consoled him, my eyes caught sight of the truck, and everything was too fast to explain anymore--I just remembered my mom, Katherine and Ginny's scream mixed in with mine, dad losing control of his body motionlessly leaning on mom's, Liane asking me what's going on, while I struggled to grab on to the steering wheel and swivel aside...
But I was too late.
Loud horns. Screaming voices. Frantic expressions. Crashing. Glasses breaking. An explosion. Then there was blood, blood everywhere. I was slowly losing my eyesight, maybe because of the smoke, or because my head was spinning like crazy like an amusement park ride. My dad and mom was in front so they were the ones who were really hurt. Katherine and Ginny was sandwiched between the seats. I didn't know how Liane looked since I've no enough strength to look back at her, and I just let myself give up. I breathed in heavily and let my eyes close.
I woke up at a white room filled with white furnitures, also known as hospital. I didn't know how long I've slept--I don't even know if I'm still alive and I'm now a spirit. A nurse came in and she was surprised to see me, she immediately went out to call for a doctor. She came back a few seconds later with the doctor, checking for my heart beat, vitals, and my body, asking me if I'm feeling okay. "Of course I'm not okay, I just got from a car crash with my--where's mom and dad? Katherine? Ginny? Liane?" I remember asking them, but like other doctors, he just told me to rest for a while, and that my grandmother is on her way.
I've nothing to do, so I just did what he asked me to do.
I waited.
And waited.
Until a few hours later, he came back without a hint of expression on his face. "Mr. van Beethoven, I'm sorry to say this," he paused for a while, hesitating.
"What is it?" I asked, eager to know the answer even if I have a clue on what he is trying to say, I just wanted to confirm if it's true. I swallowed hard an bravely looked him in the eyes.
"No one survived," he tentatively said, "except you, Mr. van Beethoven. We couldn't do anything--" my head suddenly ached because of what I'm hearing and I closed my eyes while I tried to calm myself but--
"Enough! Shut your mouth!" My yell echoed all throughout the hospital room. He shut his mouth immediately, and it became so quiet that I can only hear my heavy breathing. Blood rang through my ears. "You call yourself a doctor when you can't even save my family?! What kind of bullshit is that?!"
"Sir, I'm telling you we did all we can but--"
"I don't give a fuck! You must save them! Do what you should do! I'm going to pay you, just save them! You want lots of money?! I have lots and lots of money! I can give you how much amout you ask for! Damn!" I began slamming my fist on the bedside table. I grabbed the vase and smashed it on the floor. I took the needle connected to the dextrose out of the veins on my wrist. I stood up and faced him.
"Where are they?" I asked as I struggled from the nurses' grasp. My hand was gushing with blood.
"Calm down, Mr. van Beethoven," he said as two nurses held my arms.
"Idiot." I scoffed. "How can I fucking calm down, you bastard?! Well, shitface, let me ask you a goddamn question. What if you're in my situation? Can you fucking calm down?!"
He didn't answer, instead he went out of the room and he left me with the nurses. I felt them inject something in my arm and little by little I feel drowsy...they helped me get in bed and as my eyes closed, I saw a glimpse of my grandma. I couldn't help it--before my eyes closed, I felt tears stream down my face.
It happened three years ago, but here I am, still haunted by that memory. I wish I could just erase it, but I can't. It's the last memory I have of my family and Liane. I can't get myself to forget it even though I couldn't even sleep when I hear their voices in my mind.
Each day of my life, since the day they left me alone, I struggled to survive without them, without feeling their presence, without seeing them. I just wanted to die. I wanted my pain to end...but it seemed endless.
Of course, there are some of those moments when I really wanted to kill myself because of too much pain and loneliness. I couldn't help but always blame myself. But I thought it through over and over, constantly whispering to myself that if I commit suicide, it'll just make things worse than it already is. I'd commit a sin and I wouldn't be able to see my family.
So I just decided to live my life in a horrible way, thinking it could make me forget everything.
I cut classes and almost flunked every subject. I drink alcohol. I go to night clubs almost every night. Gets myself into fights. Go to casinos. I play with girls' hearts and do them. I constantly break things. I steal. And I stopped listening to music.
I want to, but I can't. Not now. Not ever.
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POSTED ON WP OCTOBER 9, 2016; 9:27 PM
Chapter Text
The funny thing about life is when you're happy, it turns into a bitch. Like when you're eating ice cream with your friends on a sunny day while walking downtown, you trip on a rock and you fall face first with the ice cream smashed all over your face. Or when you're partying hardcore in a bar, just chilling and drinking, you see your girl kiss your bestest friend. It's like it slaps you right in the face and mocks you with words like 'fuck you, you can't be happy' or 'you're better off depressed, honey'. Yeah. If I could just commit suicide. But I can't. I won't do it. If ever I did it, where will I be? I wouldn't probably see them either. I'd be with someone ugly and hot (literally) in the underworld, burning my ass out for all of eternity.
It's sad.
At times like this, I just want to eat ice cream from that damn eyesore ice cream parlour (because it's too bright in there) near the Infinite Park. If I eat ice cream there, I just don't get to have the best ice creams. I also get to see these five girls' long and fair legs live.
"Hey Joohyun, sweetie, can you get me a glass of water?" I called out at the one who just served a giant scoop of ice cream to a girl. She was talking to Joohyun but my calling Joohyun got her attention. That girl looks like Hyeri, the one from Girlsday. I see them on TV often.
Joohyun looked at her and said, "Excuse me for a moment, Alexandria. Some asshole's asking for a glass of water." She said, rolling her eyes at me.
A few seconds later she emerged from the pink door with a candy cane-colored frame. She approaches me with a dull look on her face. "What's wrong, sweetie? Woke up at the wrong side of the bed?" I smirked at her and acted as if I'd touch her ass. She avoided. Tsk.
She placed the glass on top of my table, and slapped my hand away. She raised her eyebrows at me and tilts her head. "Maybe I should tell Seulgi and Sooyoung to restrict jerks in here."
"What? Not too happy to see my perfect face early in the morning? It's okay to admit you're grateful, babe." I laughed.
"Tsk," she walked towards Seulgi at the counter and pointed at me like a little kid. I hear Seulgi say something like 'stop flirting with that guy, joohyun-eonni'. I let out a little laugh. She blushed and went inside the kitchen again.
Girls, I thought. Why are girls always like this? They would always act like they despise you and would be all bitchy, but then at the end of the day, they would be screeching and jumping and chatting about it. I know. I saw how Katherine--
I took a deep breath. Maybe I should stop thinking about things. It makes me sad all of a sudden. I hate this feeling, I want to get rid of it. Haw can I ever get rid of it?
"Get rid of what?" I looked up and saw the Hyeri-lookalike smiling at me. She took the seat beside me, bringing her ice cream.
Woah. She's even hotter up close. I gave her my most charming smile and said, "Hey, gorgeous. What's your name?" I was supposed to say 'get rid of the building hard-on you're giving me' but nah. She looks like the type of girl who'd be turned off instantly.
"Alexandria. You?"
"Claude. Nice to meet you, milady." I said, took her hands, and kissed it. "Can you be my girl for tonight?" I teasingly asked.
She smirked at me. "Oh, I don't want to be your girl just for tonight. I want to be your girl for the rest of your life." She laughed. Woah. I was caught off guard, but then I found myself laughing with her, trying to hold in my now existing hard-on
I was about to ask her out, just to get to know her, when Joohyun showed up. "This isn't a dating agency, nor a club wherein you can flirt all you want, Claude. Would you please leave my friend alone? And you're a bad influence," she gestured towards the little kids eating ice cream, who are now looking at me and Alexandria.
I smirked. I bet she's just jealous! The first time I went here, she was looking at me from time to time, and when I spare a glance at her, she'd avert her eyes and blush and pretend to do something else. Oh, come on now, really. She's too obvious! "Why, you jealous, babe?" I winked. "And for your information, your friend's the one who went to sit here with me."
My wink only made her cheeks flush, and then she left me with Alexandria. "She likes you." Alexandria said while we followed her with our eyes.
Wait what? I knew it! "I knew it." I said, followed by my laugh.
"She really does, Claude. She even knows the exact date when she first saw you here, and she knows your favourite ice cream flavour, she even knows those clubs where you always go to."
"So, she's like my sasaeng fan?" I said. Oh god. She really likes me! This is so funny.
"Sorta. You can put it that way, but she never asked someone for your number nor ask where you live so she's still about...45% of a sasaeng." She laughed.
"Uh, can I get your number? We're friends now...right?" I hesitantly asked. Why am I being hesitant? A guy like me shouldn't be like this. Right?
She nodded. "Of course. Sure. Here," she said and took a rainbow-colored paper towel, a pen, and wrote her digits. She handed it to me afterwards and I uttered a thanks. I told her I'd just text her when I get home.
Then she stood up and went out. Okay, time to do my mission. I went up to Seulgi. She was Katherine's classmate, and I knew her for years. "Hey, Seul." I greeted with a wink.
"Oh, hey, Claude." She said without looking at me, typing something on the register.
"Can I come inside?" I pointed at the employees' locker room. Joohyun's in there.
She gave me a knowing look and put her hand on her hips. She sighed. "You can go there, only to look for Joohyun okay? Not to make out in there or...you know what I mean." She raised her eyebrow at me.
I laughed. "Yeah, sure. But can I steal her for today?"
"Yeah, go on. Her shift's over. Just don't get too rough--she might not go to work tomorrow." I knew what she meant by that. "I don't want her to be like Wendy."
"I'll keep that in mind." I winked at her and went inside the locker room. Joohyun's the only one there, sitted on the couch while typing on her phone. She looked at me blankly and then rolled her eyes. "Why are you here, asshole?"
"Don't pretend you don't like me in here, Joohyun."
"Okay, I won't pretend. Tell me why you're here?" She asked without looking at me.
"I'm taking you somewhere..." I said. She looked at me. "Where? And what are we going to do?"
"Just come. You'll love it." I smirked. I took her hand and pulled her out of the locker room by force. She didn't struggle, she just let me pull her towards my car. As soon as we reached my car, I heard her panting heavily and then my eyes trailed from her lips down to her chest...damn. She's too hot.
Minutes passed, and we reached the hotel. The second I stepped inside, I quickly locked the door and slammed her on the wall. I kissed her lips and she kissed me back, like she knew this was going to happen. I reached underneath her skirt and fiddled with the damp fabric of her panties. Then, I unclasped her bra and I felt her gasp when I tore her uniform and kissed her on her neck, down her cleavage. I carried her with ease and threw her on the bed. I crawled over her as I unbuckled my belt.
You can imagine what happened next.
After that, I left her at the hotel and then I received a call. I answered it. "Hello?"
"Master van Beethoven," our helper started. She sounded like she was crying for hours already. She kept sniffing and breathing heavily.
"What is it?"
"Mrs. Van Beethoven...your grandmother...had a heart attack. W-we rushed her to the hospital but...b-but..."
My heart pounded heavily against my chest. I took a deep breath. "She didn't m-make it."
When I heard what she said, I was aghast. For the nth time in my life, I cried uncontrollably. I threw my phone away and heard it shatter like my heart. Shit. Why is my life always like this?
Instead of going to the morgue, I went to a club. I made out with every girl I see. And I made sure to lure a girl into my unit.
I don't care anymore.
That's what life is to me now. I do girls, play with their hearts, then throw them away like trah, like my life now. My life is trash. I am trash. But...you know what's funnier? I'm okay with all of it.
Chapter Text
They say when you are sad, whatever you love can make you happy. Like a book. Or a cup of tea or coffee. Or a song. Or your favourite TV shows. Anyone can be happy in simple things like that. But in my case, it's hard to be happy. Why, you ask? The problem with what they say about what can make you happy, is that, what if the thing--people that makes you happy is already gone? And whatever's left for you to remember them makes you sadder?
Fucking hard, right?
It's silly and childish how one can be happy with the simple things I just mentioned. I mean, those are temporary happiness. It doesn't make you truly happy. It just consoles you for a bit, and when you emptied your cup, or when you finished the book, or when the TV show finally ended, the happiness you felt fades away together with those things, in exchange for the sadness you kept on masking with temporary happiness.
No, you can't tell me that as long as you have unlimited coffee or tea mix or gazillion books or hundreds of TV show seasons, you can be happy for as long as you want. It doesn't work that way. Trust me, I know.
"You're really a mystery, Claude." Out of the blue, Alexandria suddenly spoke. Me? A mystery?
I gave her a 'what-do-you-mean' look (no, I'm not going to sing) and raised an eyebrow at her. She chuckled. "You're so flirty, yet..."
I smirked at her, teasing. "Yet?"
She laid her chin on top of her arms and tilted her head to one side. "Yet there's something wrong with your eyes. Like--like they hide something..."
"Something?" I asked. "Yeah, I look innocent but when you look deep into my eyes, you could see porn."
She laughed. "Silly boy. What I mean is that--you seem to be shallow, but when you look deeper..." She leaned in an stared right into my eyes, like really, really stared. Her brown eyes boring a hole right through my soul. My hand unconsciously moved to touch her face slowly.
She didn't move, "Alexandria." I muttered her name. And then I let her go.
"Wow, your hand's warm," she said. "I could still feel its imprint. Woah..." She said as she felt her face. I chuckled.
"Yeah, my hands are hot. If my hand alone feels hot already, what more if you felt my whole body?" I joked, playing with a blue and a red M&M before tossing them inside my mouth.
"Probably a thousand degrees hotter you could make people blind just by staring at you." She countered.
"That's true, though."
She wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes. "Wow, your ancestors must have been related to Megamind or something. God, your head's huge as hell."
I winked. "Which head do you mean?"
"Oh, damn," she face-palmed. "I'm so done with you, you fuckboy."
"What?" I laughed. "I'm just telling the truth!"
I grabbed the titanic bag of M&Ms and realized that it's almost empty. "You really love M&Ms, don't you?"
M&Ms are like my replacement for beer. A month after their death, I dreamt of my mom. She actually scolded me in my dream, telling me to focus on life and live normally and shit like that. "This kid, really," she said, her hands on her hips. In the dream, I flunked science because I hated memorizing such crap like the endless theories about the solar system about strings and explosions and vortex or the planetisimals or the perpetuation of life or flower reproduction.
My mom scolding me felt so real. It was as if it is really happening. "You won't graduate in that state, young man. You're already in your last year of junior high. And what the hell are you doing? Drinking beer because of this?" She asked, showing me my midterms. "Drinking won't solve your problem." She threw me three packs of M&Ms. "Eat this while studying instead of drinking beer acting like a corny heartbroken second male lead in a drama." She slammed my head with my science textbook and Lianne's notes. "Hoping that would help make the information transfer from the paper to your brain."
Yeah. It's one of the the reasons why I loved M&Ms--it kept me going through the night as I reviewed and guess what, I passed.
Remembering my mom's angry face at me made me smile. Yeah, she might beat my ass sometimes (not), but I'd rather have her like that than not having her at all.
"Gosh, you're really weird today, Claude. You're smiling for, like, about four seconds ago and now you look like you've comitted something terrible."
Yeah. I did. It may be years ago, but I did. I fucking did. I was the reason for this whole bullshit. I didn't give Dad his coffee--with his meds mixed in--the day we were supposed to be having fun. If I gave it to him, we could've had the best time of our lives. We could've been singing our hearts out. We could've eaten everything off the menu. We could've shopped, even though I hate shopping. We could've been happy.
Why is it so hard to be happy?
I can sing, because it is one of the things that reminds me of them. But remembering them pains me. So I won't.
I can listen to music, because it can make me me again. But I don't want to be me again. So I won't.
I can remember them, but the pain, the loneliness, and, shit, the guilt, is killing me. So I won't.
I can love. But I couldn't even love myself, how could I love someone? So I won't.
I unconsciously answered her. "I did."