Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Erin!” An excited shout broke through the loud clamber of voices talking and lockers slamming. Erin cringed for a second, realizing that her best friend truly hadn’t understood the point of “don’t make a scene on our first day” But she was still grateful she didn’t have to do this new school thing alone.

Abby pushed politely through a few people and leaned against the locker next to Erin’s. “Gym, right?”

Erin looked at her schedule even though she already knew for certain every last word on that page. “Yep.” She shut her locker and walked next to Abby towards the gym locker room. “So how was—“

“Biology was soo stupid! My teacher gave us assigned seats. Like, we’re gonna be working on projects and dissecting rats second period in the morning and I get put next to the kid who manages to have greasy-wet hair and dandruff at the same time. I might be having to skip breakfast this semester. You’re lucky you don’t have this teacher, Mr. Hornson. What period is your biology?”

“6^th.”

“Right. Little miss “I got into AP bio because even though I’m not interested in biology I still do well in every class”” Abby mocked jokingly.

“Biology isn’t your strong suit.”

“But everything is your strong suit!”

“I didn’t get into the advanced English class. You did.”

“Lotta good that does us when we’re trying to stick together.”

“Don’t be so cynical.”

“We have gym at 9:30 am, I’m cynical.” Abby frowned as they walked into the locker room. Around the bend, lines of yellow half-lockers divided the long room.

“At least we get to pick where our lockers are here.” Erin said, quieter of course, since there were other people around in close quarters now.

They both were uncomfortable squeezing their way through the narrow aisles with benches down the middle, while girls around them chatted, fixed their makeup, and did last-minute homework, taking full advantage of the “girls take longer to change” trope.

Every row seemed crowded with pre-established cliques and friend groups. Everyone was talking to someone, even if it was just to not look awkward and alone. Chances of finding two lockers nearby each other but not in the middle of an existing group seemed more and more bleak.

The last row however was completely deserted, save for one girl in a vest top, jeans, and blond curls piled haphazardly on top her head. A leather jacket lay on the bench, and she made note of the two girls right away. She gave them a small frown, and turned back to her locker, digging out a black concert t-shirt with some 80s hair band on it.

“Sweet.” Abby said, quickly slapping her combination lock on an empty locker.

Erin hesitated. “Um, are any of these… taken?” She addressed the girl.

The blonde frowned at them again, then looked away. “Whatever you want.”

Suddenly, a red strip of cloth was thrown over the lockers from the next row, and landed draped across the blonde’s open locker.

“Jillian, do the new girls a favor, they don’t know any better!” Someone shouted from the other side, followed by laughter.  

Jillian’s shoulders immediately slumped and she threw the cloth to the ground, gathering her t-shirt and shorts. “I’ll just use the stall.” She muttered loud enough for the next row to hear, disappearing around another corner.

Abby and Erin both stared at the red cloth, which just looked like a bandana, before Abby shrugged it off and set up her locker, Erin following her lead.

~

They noticed Jillian didn’t participate in the gym activities much, but seemed to be enjoying doing her own thing.

Erin noticed everyone staying away from her, and although she knew the feeling of being alone in school, decided that reaching out to an apparent loner on their first day would only alienate them more. Besides, she kept her reservations about the blonde. Maybe she actually had done something bad? She kept Abby busy talking so Abby wouldn’t approach the blonde. At least not yet. Jillian seemed to enjoy being alone anyway.

~

After gym class, Jillian changed in the stall again. The girl from the next row jogged over to pick up the bandana, laughing at something one of her friends said.

“What is that?” Abby asked loudly.

The girl stopped and looked them over. “A blindfold?” She said. “It’s kind of a joke. But trust me, you might wanna move your lockers. You don’t want a lesbian to watch you change. You’re welcome to join our row over here.”

At this point, at sixteen years old, Erin Gilbert definitely didn’t have anything against the LGBT community, and even knew she was attracted to girls, at least a little bit. Even Abby knew this about her best friend. But Erin was more focused on being accepted somewhere, and all she got out of that conversation was an invitation to fit in.

“Ye—“ She started.

“Sorry, we don’t participate in rumor spreading.” Abby shot hotly.

The other girl smirked, shrugged, and jogged away.

“Abby!”

“What!?”

Erin was too angry to answer. She picked up her clothes and her lock and moved to the next row.

Abby didn’t follow.

After successfully becoming acquainted with the other girls, Erin waited by Abby’s gym locker since they had next period together also. Just as they were about to leave, Jillian shuffled in from the bathrooms to shut her locker.

Abby approached her, despite Erin’s subtle sleeve-tug. “Hey.”

The blonde looked up.

“Just wanted to let you know, people are spreading rumors that you’re a lesbian. As someone who’s had rumors spread about her, I know that people don’t really tell you and then you gotta hear it from the guidance counselor and it’s a whole—“

“It’s not a rumor. I am.” Jillian said. She snagged her jacket and shut her locker, walking away.

~//~

This wasn’t Erin’s last encounter with the blonde that day. It turns out Jillian was also in 6^th period AP Biology. This teacher, Dr. Gorin, allowed them to pick seats, and everyone avoided Jillian like the greasy dandruff boy.

Not being particularly quick to catch on to social patterns, Erin was left with the spot next to Jillian.

It’s not that Erin was afraid of her, or interested in participating in this alienation, presumably based only on Jillian’s sexuality, but Erin didn’t want to accept that being gay was the only thing “wrong” with Jillian. There had to be something else. Otherwise, the student body was just incredibly homophobic and Erin had no hope to ever come out safely in her high school years. There had to be something else. She needed to know.

When the first assignment reached their desk, Erin pretended to forget her pencil, and asked Jillian for one. Jillian provided a pencil with chew marks on it, and introduced herself. They made small talk for a minute. Erin could feel all eyes on her back the entire time.

“Jillian Holtzmann, future pro skateboarder.”

“Oh, um, I’m Erin Gilbert. That’s uh, skateboarding is really cool.”

“I’m joking.”

Erin felt stupid, especially since she knew everyone was listening. She turned red.

Jillian just smiled and pointed at Erin’s shirt. “Cute bow tie.”

Before Erin could answer, someone behind them whispered, “Her eyes are up there, Jillian.” and half the room started snickering.

Jillian seemed utterly unfazed. “Reminds me of pasta.” Her smile held.

“Oh, um, it actually came with the shirt.”

Jillian just smiled and nodded. “Nice.”

Throughout the rest of the class, Jillian didn’t exactly seem alienated. She frequently answered questions about the work posed by the teacher (all correct) and based on the class and teacher’s reaction, Erin got the sense that this was commonplace. Jillian seemed totally comfortable, making Erin wonder if the gay thing was just friendly teasing.

But as she headed to lunch, the whispers started to follow her in the halls.

“Dyke” “Gay” “Another one?” “The new girl”

And the above quotes do not show the disproportionate amount of times the “D word” had been uttered. Probably more times between passing time and lunch than Erin had ever heard the word in her entire life.

Jillian just kept to herself during lunch, looking as if she didn’t even want to be bothered. She had her feet kicked up on the table, chair tipped back hazardously, and Pringle crumbs landed on her shirt as she read an engineering magazine, smiling to herself.

Erin was glad she didn’t have any more classes with Jillian that day.

~//~

Chapter Text

“You get a lot of homework?” Abby asked at lunch the next day.

“Not really. Some for pre-Calc. We’re supposed to read Fahrenheit 451 for English but I’ve already read it.”

“Like for fun?”

“I thought it was about heat transfer and thermodynamics.” Erin said. “It’s not.” She casually checked over her shoulder again.

“What are you looking at?” Abby asked, accidentally swirling a french fry in her applesauce instead of ketchup because she was looking away. “Oh, dangit.”

“Nothing.” Erin muttered. The table where Jillian had been sitting was now vacant. She scanned the room quickly and saw the blonde handing a hall pass to a lunch monitor, then shoving through the double doors, a bounce in her step.

“You watching her?” Abby asked.

“Who? No.”

Abby raised her eyebrows, an amused smile spreading across her face. “You like—“

“No! No, I’m just… trying to remember faces. Get to know everyone.”

Suddenly, a boy in a yellow hoodie slid into the empty seat next to Erin. “Hey.”

“Oh!” She jumped a little in surprise. She recognized him from Biology.

“Erin, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m Abby.” Abby added.

He ignored her. “I just wanted to tell you that if Jillian gives you any trouble, tell me and I’ll take care of it, all right?”

“I’m sorry, take care of it?”

“Yeah. Y’know. We’ll keep her away from you. She gets that way around girls sometimes. It creeps people out, and especially with you being new and all, we don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“Gets what way around girls?”

“You know, flirting?” He whispered, almost amused. “She’s a dyke, you know?”

“You shouldn’t use that word.” Erin frowned.

He looked offended. “I’m just saying, that’s what she is. She’ll tell you herself. It makes all the girls uncomfortable. She flirts with everyone.”

“Flirts how?”

“You know, talking. And… complimenting and… I don’t really know, but I can tell, you know?”

“No, we don’t know.” Abby said, honestly just to mock his repetitive phrase.

“She was flirting with you yesterday in class. That’s all. I’m just trying to help here, you don’t need to be like that. We’re just looking out for your safety.”

“Why wouldn’t she be safe? Is flirting dangerous?” Abby challenged.

The boy shot a superior smile, like he knew something they didn’t. “You don’t wanna get caught on fire, do you?”

A few snickers came from the table he had been at.

“Fire?”

“By the way, if you have any classes in the C-Wing, they’re re-located to A. It kinda burned down last year. You should ask Jillian about it.” He slipped away to the other table.

~//~

The rest of the week went smoothly. Erin kept her gym locker in the second-to-last row with the other girls and thought she was starting to become friends with one of them. Abby stayed in the other row with Jillian, mostly because she didn’t like to change in front of other people.

Erin grew a little bit bored with her classes. This being the only public school for twenty miles and surrounded by farmland, woods, and trailer parks, the curriculum wasn’t exactly challenging. Most of the stuff they were learning had already been covered freshman year at her old school. She used class time to work out some equations and read publications, and occasionally glance over at the weird drawings Jillian was scribbling in her notebook. She didn’t seem to pay attention in class, either.

Erin’s gym class alternated with her Biology lab and study hall. Erin thought lab would be fun, until they had to pick partners.

Dr. Gorin passed out packets of paper to the lab tables. “Our new unit is on genetics. We don’t have enough packets so please share with your lab partner. Before you all choose your lab partners for this unit, keep in mind this is a long unit, and try to pick someone you haven’t worked with.”

Erin immediately felt her stomach sink. She hated the thought of having to work in partners, especially in this school where she could tell the average IQ was on the low side, and she knew she would end up doing most of the work.

Jillian was probably more on her level. But she was afraid of being associated with an arsonist.

Right. Erin knew that was a lie. Burning down a building was not the reason Erin didn’t want people to think she was friends with Jillian. But she didn’t need to be called a dyke in her first week at a new school, and it looked like Jillian was handling the bullying just fine, while Erin knew if she was subjected to that she would run out of the school and probably never come back.

As everyone quickly picked lab partners, she felt Jillian’s head turn towards her.

Erin quickly turned away and made eye contact with the nearest person. “Hey um, I’m sorry, do you have a partner yet?”

“Nope.” The girl answered. “Want to be my partner?”

Relief washed over Erin. “That would be great. I don’t really know many people here so… Anyway, I’m Erin.”

“Riley.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Dr. Gorin clapped her hands. “Does everyone have a partner? Raise your hand if you don’t have a partner!”

Everyone looked around. One hand lamely went up.

“I guess we do have an odd number, I miscounted earlier when Tim was in the bathroom. Well Jillian, you can either join someone else and become a group of three, or you can work by yourself. Up to you.”

Erin made the mistake of turning around to look at her. This was the first time Erin had seen Jillian without some sort of smile on her face or far-away look like she was in dreamland. Now, the small smirk had been replaced by a look of hurt coming across her pale features. Her eyebrows furrowed a little and her shoulders slouched. What startled Erin though, was the fact that she had previously thought that small smile was Jillian’s default. She was just a smiling kind of person. But this new look, almost like shame, seemed to come even more naturally.

Jillian lifted her eyes to look right into Erin’s before answering, “By myself is fine.”

“Excellent, we have just enough packets.” Dr. Gorin said, the interaction between the two girls not going unnoticed. “I’m going to need a partner for the demonstrations, so you can be my partner for those, Jill.”

Erin quickly looked away.

~

When the class began to pack up after lab, Erin felt a tap on her shoulder.

She knew it was Jillian, there was nobody else behind her. She was surprised Jillian was going to confront her about it though—

“Hey. I made something. Check this out.” Jillian pulled a small foldable contraption. “Lemme see your pencil.” She took the pencil from Erin’s hand without waiting.

“What—“

Jillian slipped a small pencil grip over it and dropped it back into Erin’s bag. “Bury it.”

“What?”

Jillian glanced up quickly, her hair falling in her face. “Bury the pencil under some books.”

Confused, Erin did as she asked.

“Here.” Jillian unfolded the small contraption that looked like a makeup container and tugged an antenna on one end. “This switch turns it on, and when this lever is to the left, wave it over your bag and it will beep when it’s close to—“

The machine started beeping incessantly. Jillian fussed with it quickly. “Oh, um. I need to adjust the range a bit. But flip the lever to the right and this magnet—“ Jillian held the contraption over Erin’s open bag.

Nothing happened.

“Um, maybe the books were too heavy. Hold on.” Jillian stuck her hand into Erin’s bag without any sort of permission and rustled a few things around.

“Hey, um—“

“Here we go.” Jillian said. She turned on the gadget again. This time, the pencil flew up to the magnet end, along with some bobby pins and paper clips. “Oh. Um. Found those too.”

Erin noticed a few kids left in the room looking at how close Jillian’s head was to Erin. “Get out of my bag, please.” Erin tried to make it so other kids could hear but also tried to be polite to Jillian.

Jillian stepped back quickly, as if the words themselves had physically pushed her. “Sorry, ah.” She fussed with the gadget some more and it began to smoke. “Sorry. Sorry.” She shut the thing off and waved her hand to dissipate the smoke. “I’ll make some adjustments over the weekend… I just thought, since you lost your pencil that one time...”

Erin got a whiff of it and coughed once. “That doesn’t mean I need a… pencil magnet.”

“Oh my god she’s gonna set New Girl on fire!” Some kid said just above a whisper, causing others to laugh.

Jillian stuffed the contraption back into her backpack, not caring when it caught on a zipper and a part broke off, exposing wires. “Sorry. Sorry.” She repeated, sticking a heavy textbook into her bag and it landed on her invention with a crunch. She threw her backpack over one shoulder and shuffled quickly out of the room.

~//~

Chapter Text

“I’m telling you, there’s something about this place. Last time we walked past, Daisy couldn’t stop barking at it!” Abby paused for a moment to let her Boston terrier take a pee.

“Are we sure it’s abandoned?” Erin stuck her hands into her jacket pocket, getting a slight chill from the October breeze. Dead leaves skittered across the ground around her feet. The neighborhood was weird. Although the house and neighborhood Erin's parents moved into was nicer than Abby's, Abby's house wasn't by any means on the low-income side. And yet the neighborhood she was in seemed to encapsulate everything. From trailer parks to literal mansions. They were going to investigate Abby's claim that one of these mansions was abandoned and haunted. At least the houses were pretty spread out, so it was unlikely anyone would see them trespassing.  Plus, this road had more hills than Erin had ever seen.

“Take one look and you’ll know." Abby kicked a pinecone. "I think it’s just up this hill. You know what, I saw a list of the clubs the school has, and there’s only like 5. We should go to the administration and ask if we can start a Ghost Hunter’s club. There's so many great places around here.”

“Abby that sounds like the single worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

Abby stopped in her tracks, offended. “Why?”

“Sorry. But look at this place. They tease people for being gay, and that’s normal. Hunting ghosts isn’t normal, can you imagine what they would say about us?”

“Well I think they’ll find it really cool when they give it a chance.”

“But they won’t. We’re NOT doing a Ghost Hunter’s club.”

“Mimieminiminem” Abby mocked. “I don’t think being gay is the only reason they tease that girl. She burned down part of the school.”

“Allegedly.”

A muffled sound of clattering metal came from the house they were stopped in front of.

“Ooh, somebody dropped the lunch tray.” Abby said, pretending to clap her hands.

“Whoops.” Erin said, glancing towards the house.

Right as she said that, an angry shout came from behind the doors.

Erin started to back away. “Somebody’s in trouble.” She joked. “Let’s go.”  but Daisy was still sniffing her spot, deciding if she needed to poo also.

The shouting grew louder, followed by a dull slam.

“Yikes.” Abby said. “That’s what it sounds like when my cousins fight. My aunt calls them “boy brawls””

They heard one quick and quiet feminine scream, followed by the same voice yelling “No”

“I don’t think that’s a boy brawl.” Erin muttered. She straightened her shirt. “Anyway, it’s not our business.”

“I agree. Let’s go.”

But neither of them moved. They were frozen in curiosity. They waited for the next noise.

There was only eerie silence.

“Should we get closer?” Abby whispered.

Erin wasn’t unfamiliar with yelling in the home. More familiar than Abby, anyway. And it definitely scared her. Although her parents were more likely to just ignore her than yell if she was giving them problems. She gave her mom a lot of headaches. According to her mom.

“Maybe…” Erin was going to say maybe they should just keep walking and stop by on the way back.

Abby nodded, “Yeah, maybe we should check it out.” She started trekking across the matted lawn.

“Abby wait, maybe we shouldn’t interfere.” Erin said, following her nonetheless. “Don’t get so close! Someone’s gonna see us!” Erin whispered while Abby peeked in the front window. Erin glanced around but there were no neighboring houses nearby.

“No one’s in here.” Abby said, her breath leaving a fog on the glass. She tipped a little on the upside-down bucket she was standing on.

“Somebody was in here. You heard that, right?”

“This isn't the abandoned house I was talking about but... do you think it could be ghosts?”

“Probably not. I thought someone from school got off the bus here.”

“There!” Abby pointed to the side of the house. “The basement light is on.” Without waiting for Erin, she got on her hands and knees and crawled up to the window.

“Abby stop! Someone’s going to see you!”

“What if there are ghosts!?”

“There’s not—“

“Wait look! Shh, c’mere!”

Erin couldn’t help her curiosity. She crept over and got down next to the window.

Inside, an unfinished basement was littered with boxes and wooden posts and exposed wires that should be covered by drywall. The cluttering of these walls implied that if it were finished, the basement would have a lot of rooms. Instead, it was just a mess of buckets, woodworking tools, water stains on the floor, and puddled water around the sump pump.

A man in slippers and a work shirt from an auto shop stood in one of the doorways, talking loudly to someone hidden behind a wall.

“I can’t hear him.” Abby whispered. She reached out and nudged the glass outward a little.

“Abby!” Erin couldn’t believe she was actually opening a window with the man standing right there. She quickly shut up again once the window was open and they could hear him clearly.

/

“Why won’t you just tell me what you used it for!?” The man shouted.

“Nothing. It’s not important.” A familiar voice mumbled, barely discernible.

“Clearly it was important enough to take apart my brand new razor I’d been saving up for. Huh?”

“M’sorry.”

“You can’t just apologize your way out of everything! What was it for? Get over here and talk to me.”

Jillian stepped out from behind the wall, closer to him. She had something in her hands. “An invention. It was for an invention.”

“Oh, and invention, well excuse me. I’d love to know what genius invention required the motor of my electric razor for?”

“I needed it to spin so that the magnets would orbit the—“

“The answer is that you didn’t need it! The answer is to stop with these stupid inventions, remember what happened at the school!? You want that to happen to our house? Do you!?” He slammed his hand into the doorjamb to vent his anger, knocking the doorframe loose.

“No.”

“Then stop. For real. Do the schoolwork that your teachers ask you to do. Read a fucking book or something like a normal kid.”

Jillian straightened a little bit. “I thought it was your old razor. You told me I could use your old one.”

“Well it wasn’t the old one, and now you can’t use any of my tools either.”

“What--!”

His voice went back to shouting. “I just told you you can’t “invent” shit anymore, at least not while you’re in my house, what difference does it make, Jillian!?” He snatched the item out of her hands. “Lemme see that.”

It was the pencil magnet she had tried to give to Erin.

“What the fuck does this do?”

“It finds pencils.”

He dropped the device and looked at her incredulously. “Are you stupid? Real question, are you fucking stupid?” He punctuated his question with a step closer to her, forcing her backwards instinctively, like two magnets of the same polarity.

“Maybe. I don’t know.” She muttered.

“Give me a real answer.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes I am stupid.”

“And…?” He pointed to the broken device on the floor.

“And… I’ll buy you a new one?”

“And you’ll stop “inventing” shit.”

“I will. I promise.”

“You promised last time and what happened that same week? You set the sofa on fire. Even after I locked up my tools. I’m really trying my hardest here, Jillian, but you’re just a fucking…” He took a deep breath and let the anger wash over him, seeming to calm down before he said, “You’re a difficult child. All right?”

It seemed like the fight was over, but his calming down only seemed to scare Jillian more.

“You want to work with tools? Maybe I can get you a weekend job at the auto shop. Then you can save up for a new razor. Okay?”

“I don’t know how to fix cars.”

“I’ll teach you. We can start by fixing this doorframe. Hold this here, I’ll grab the hammer.”

She reluctantly held the frame in place as he walked into another back room, then emerged, holding up a deformed hammer. It looked like the head had been melted.

“What happened to my hammer?”

She looked it over. “Um, an accident?”

He hefted the hammer angrily. “You know what else I didn’t see in there? My good screwdriver. Where’s that? I was looking for it the other day.”

“In my room.” She said.

“You know these things cost money, right? What are you possibly using it for?” He got that calm voice again.

“I was… fixing it.”

“You broke it?”

“Not… um, partially.”

In one sudden movement, he swiftly thrust his hand out and slammed the door hard on her fingers.

Jillian let out one shriek of pain and bit her lip to keep from letting the rest out. She drew her right hand to her chest quickly and backed away, her eyes never leaving the man and the hammer in his hand.

He looked like he wanted to do more, but just kept hefting the hammer, effectively scaring the shit out of her. “I tried taking the tools away from you before but it never worked, maybe I was taking the wrong tools. What other choice did you leave me, huh?”

She was over her shock a little bit and was whimpering softly, holding her shaking fingers to her mouth, tears already leaving streaks over her red cheeks and down her chin. She sucked in air quickly and erratically.

“Don’t touch my stuff.” With that, he slammed the door behind him and carried the hammer up the stairs.

/

Erin felt sick to her stomach but couldn’t take her eyes away while it was happening.

“Should we do something?” Abby whispered.

“Yeah. We need to go home and call the police.”

“Holy shit. Should we… should we see if she’s all right?”

/

Jillian hadn’t looked at her hand yet. She was too busy dealing with the adrenaline wearing off and the real pain hitting. What was worse than that was the thought that she couldn’t make things until her fingers healed.

She slowly pulled her hand away from her mouth so she could look at it. She had suspected one or two might be bent the wrong way but she couldn’t move them to tell. Now that she looked down though, she could clearly see it was more than one or two.

“DAD!!” She screamed, that one word encased in fear. “DAD!”

The basement door slammed open. “What!? Stop yelling, I’m gonna get a fucking headache!”

She sniffled through tears again. “Dad I think I need to g-go tothehospital.”

“Stop being fucking dramatic, I’ll get you a band-aid.” He didn’t sound so sure though, and descended the stairs toward her. “Lemme see.”

He reached for her wrist but she pulled her hand away.

“Okay, okay, I won’t touch. Let me see it.”

She slowly extended her hand. The digits were bloody and scraped from the friction of the door, and clearly bent at a few odd angles from the force. The swelling was starkly contrasted by her uninjured left hand, holding her wrist steady.

“It hurts.” She whispered. An understatement.

“Fucking shit, Jillian. Fuck! All right, let’s go. Get up.” He roughly grabbed her uninjured left wrist and yanked her upwards. “You’re gonna work to pay this off too.”

As she was pulled towards the door, her head turned and she caught a glimpse of the window.

/

“Shit! I think she saw us!” Abby rolled out of the way quickly.

“They’re coming out the front, get to the backyard.” Erin stumbled to her feet, surprised to find her legs tingly and weak from the fear and proximity to such violence.

It had gotten mostly dark while they were watching. Abby ushered Daisy into the backyard and held her snout so she wouldn’t bark.

The two girls sat close in the dark, breathing heavily as they listened to the car doors shut and drive away.

“That thing… she made that for me.” Erin said softly.

~//~

Chapter Text

Erin Gilbert knew right from wrong. Although, her perception of what’s morally right or wrong, or “normal”, tends to fluctuate from year to year. When it comes to parent relationships with their child, she’s had two major revelations.

The first one was when she went over to Abby’s house for the first time. Abby’s parents were warm and welcoming, and Abby even talked back to them as if it were normal. She didn’t have many friends at her school growing up, and “preferred” to hang out alone. The Abby-revelation made Erin start to question if Abby’s parents were unusually friendly and loving, or if Erin’s parents were unusually cold and distant. She didn’t want the latter to be true. She wanted to know her family was normal. She didn’t want to be singled out as weird, not any more than she already was.

The second revelation came outside Jillian’s basement window that night. Which led young Erin to think maybe Abby’s parents were the outlier. So she rationalized: maybe this was an extreme accident. Her parents did stuff Erin was pretty sure was illegal, or at least a fire hazard, like locking her in her room when she was younger so she couldn’t come out crying about the ghost. Maybe some families are like this, and as long as breaking her fingers wasn’t a common occurrence (Erin doubted it was) then why call the cops and ruin things for this family she barely knew? Jillian’s dad probably felt terrible about what happened, after the fact. Besides, how would she and Abby explain why they were looking in the window in the first place?

Erin knew what Jillian’s dad did was wrong. But she still convinced Abby not to call the police that night. Maybe it was already being dealt with at the hospital.

~//~

Come Monday, Abby and Erin still hadn’t checked out that haunted mansion. In fact, they hadn’t walked down that stretch of the road at all.

Before first period, Erin took a little detour, trying to “accidentally” pass Jillian in the hall, to see what ended up happening to her hand, but she didn’t see her. By third period, she wasn’t in the locker room either.

Erin followed Abby out of the locker room. “Have you seen her yet today?”

“…Who?”

“Jillian?”

“Oh. No I don’t have any early classes with her. Why, did you see her?”

“No.”

“Maybe she took the day off.” Abby shrugged. “You’re the one who told me not to call the police, now you’re all worried?”

As they stepped into the gym, Erin spotted her. On the near wall, a stack of mats was set in a shallow cove where the gym wall divider would come out. Jillian lay with her back on the mat and her feet crossed casually up on the wall. She held a book open in the air above her head so she could read it, along with headphones connected to a portable CD player and she was bopping her head to some beat. Her entire right hand was wrapped in a white cast from the tips of her fingers down to her wrist, save for her thumb.

“That looks bad.” Abby whispered.

“Don’t stare.” Erin told her.

Jillian stayed like that, listening to music and reading at the same time, for the entirety of gym class, although the gym teacher kept looking over at her as if she didn’t approve of the CD player during class. Jillian looked totally unfazed by the stares.

~//~

“Everyone get with your lab partner, we’re gonna start working on our lab proposals today.” Dr. Gorin clapped her hands together once. “Before we start, I need someone to volunteer to be a group of three with Jillian since she can’t do some of the lab work alone anymore.” She gestured to Jillian’s cast.

Erin looked to Riley, hoping she would offer before anyone else did. It’s one thing to work alone with someone negatively labeled as gay, Erin figured working in a group of three would be okay.

Fortunately, there wasn’t any mad rush to offer Jillian a spot. Nobody said anything.

Hoping to break the deafening silence before it could turn into laughter, Jillian snapped her bubble gum and said, “I can still work alone.”

“I don’t want you to. We’re going to be working with beakers full of substances that I’d rather not have spilled on my floor. Someone volunteer or I’m going to assign it.”

Jillian’s gaze dropped instantly. It wasn’t Dr. Gorin’s intention, but she’d made it sound like working with her was a punishment.

Erin realized the teacher was staring right at her now. She wanted to offer, but Riley was purposely looking away.

After another few seconds of unbearably tense silence, Dr. Gorin said, “Jillian, why don’t you work with Erin and Riley?” She shot Erin a disappointed look.

Jillian’s eyes flicked to Erin. “Can I pick someone else?” She asked casually.

Erin’s heart sank.

“Sure.”

Jillian scanned the room. Everyone looked away. Choosing any girls to work with would result in the whole school thinking she wanted a threesome with them. Choosing a pair of boys was really her only option. “Aaron and Tylor.” She said.

“Actually, we already planned our project, and it’s really a two-person thing. Sorry.” One of the boys spoke up.

“Um… Noah and Drew?”

“We already uh, wrote our names on the packet. In Sharpie.” A dumb jock-type said.

It was the stupidest thing Erin had ever heard.

“I’ll just go fuck myself then.” Jillian said bluntly, dropping her binder into her backpack.

The class was silent.

“Jillian.” Dr. Gorin tried to put a hint of empathy in her voice, but the shock of seeing her most relaxed student act out caused there to be more of an edge. “I don’t appreciate that kind of language in my classroom. See me after and we’ll work something out, okay?”

Jillian propped her chin in her left hand so her face was hidden, and Erin thought she heard her mumble, “Doesn’t matter anyway”

Dr. Gorin continued on with the class, but Erin couldn’t settle the sick feeling in her stomach, like she’d done something wrong. She hadn’t though, right? Jillian was the one who turned down the offer to work with her. That meant Erin had tried, right?

~//~

Abby turned around on the couch for the fifteenth time, nearly kicking over the bowl of cheese puffs. “It stopped raining.” She reported excitedly.

Erin hit pause on the remote, freezing the blurry frame on Scully’s face, broken up by static lines. “I told you, I don’t really want to check out the house today. There’s probably leaks in the roof; we’ll still get wet.”

Abby sat back down the right way, straightening the bowl. “You’re such a downer today. Erin the downer. There are other things we could do outside.”

“All the good places were back home.” Erin grumbled.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re homesick! We haven’t even explored four percent of this town yet! C’mon, remember back home there was that little creek that would turn into a tiny waterfall whenever it rained? I bet we could find a place like that here, and there’s a creek just down the road! And, over a few more roads. But we’ll be there before you know it, or you could drive there, come on!”

“Abby! I don’t feel like exploring today.”

“You just wanna bum around?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I know the perfect thing then. Your parents will let you use their car, right?”

Erin turned to her and frowned. Based on all the movies they had seen together, this sounded like the start of an expensive mistake.

“We could go to that drive in theater. We don’t even have to get out, we can sit in the trunk and watch a movie and bum around while still totally doing something cool!”

“Why don’t you ever just want a night in?”

“Oh. I get it. You got your period? I’m sure there are bathrooms there, there’s a concession building I think—“

“I don’t have my period.”

“Neither do I! This is the perfect time to be able to go out and not worry about where a bathroom is!”

She did actually have a point there. Many adventures were hindered by needing a place to change pads, a place to hide pads, or simply by the pain of cramps.

“Okay. I’ll see if my parents will let me use the car.” Erin slowly got up to dial the phone on Abby’s wall.

“Yess!” Abby stood up and did a little dance, resulting in the knocking over of the doomed cheese puff bowl.

~//~

Two hours later, just before dark, Erin was turning the key of her parent’s least favorite car: an old station wagon, rusty but reliable. It would have been Erin’s to inherit someday, but her parents believed she should buy her own first car so she can learn about the stress of car ownership the hard way. But occasionally they would let her use this one, which otherwise just sat in the garage.

Blankets were piled in the back, and snacks stuffed between the driver and passenger seat.

Erin hesitated. “Hey, um. What do you think about having a third person join us?”

Abby frowned. “You made another friend? I mean, I would be totally proud if you did, but I somehow… I just doubt…”

“No, I didn’t. I was just thinking. Jillian seems to be going through a rough time. Maybe. Maybe we could…”

Abby drew in a breath. “You don’t think she saw us the other night, do you?”

“I can’t be sure. She didn’t say anything. Maybe this is our chance to make amends before it’s been too long to say something, you know?”

Abby slapped her hand proudly on top of her best friend’s, which was holding the gear shift. “Look at Erin, heading into the unknown. You’re becoming more Mulder every day.”

“Don’t say that.”

~//~

Chapter Text

Erin turned onto the overgrown driveway in front of the house they had looked into a few nights before.  She slowed down while making the turn, almost as if the car itself was nervous to take the next step.

“What if this isn’t even her house?”

“Knock and find out.” Abby said, which honestly hadn’t occurred to Erin.

“You go.”

“We’ll both go. Come on.” Abby unclipped her seatbelt and got out with the car still running.

Erin shut off the car and took the keys with her, following Abby who, to her dismay, was already on the front porch.

“Wait, I don’t think this is the right place.” Erin said, pointing to the mailbox. “It says Corson.”

“So?”

“Jillian’s last name is Holtzmann.”

Abby shrugged. “We’re already here.”

She hung back a few steps while Abby knocked loudly.

“Jesus, Abby.”

“Get up here with me!”

Erin put one foot onto the unlevel concrete step. She pretended to dust off her jeans and whispered, “that's close enough” to herself. She heard heavy footsteps inside and contemplated pretending to sell a magazine subscription or something.

The door swung open. The man they had seen the other night, Jillian’s father, sized them up. He wore a work uniform and slippers, again. He braced his palm on the door frame, high above the girls’ heads. “Corson” was stitched into his shirt.

“What?” He demanded. He didn’t sound angry, though.

“We’re um, selling—“ Erin started so quietly nobody heard her.

“Does Jillian live here?”

“Yeah.”

“Can she talk?”

The man turned back into the house. “JILLIAN!”

An ambient hum they hadn’t even noticed suddenly died down, and they heard what sounded like something large and electrical being unplugged. A door somewhere out of sight opened. “What?”

“Friends are here to see you.”

There was silence. He could see her down the hall, but Abby and Erin couldn’t. He shrugged at her. “I don’t know either!”

The girls heard hesitant footsteps and Jillian rounded the corner, yellow tinted glasses hung around her neck, and an army field jacket partially covered her overalls. One pencil was stuck behind her ear and another stuck in the wrist part of her cast like a pocket. She took in Abby and Erin standing there and frowned curiously.

“Uh, hi?” She said.

Her father made room for her at the door but didn’t leave.

“Hi!” Abby said. “I don’t know if you remember us from school but—“

“Yeah I remember you.” She cut her off, looking at Erin but quickly looking away when their eyes met.

“We were headed up to the drive-in and thought you might want to join. Plus, you know, having a local kid to show us the place can’t hurt. Wanna come?”

“How are you getting there?” Her father asked before Jillian could say anything.

Erin cleared her throat lightly. “I drive.” She said.

He looked at the car in the driveway and sized Erin up more closely this time. She squared her shoulders, trying to look like a good driver, whatever that looks like.

“Can I go, Dad?” Jillian asked quietly.

He thought it over, then looked back at Abby. “She can’t go. She has homework and reading to do, plus her pain medication makes her drowsy.”

“I’m not drowsy.” Jillian whispered to him.

“I said no!”

She leapt back quickly, but easily bounced right back and came to the door again, unafraid. “Sorry. I can’t. Maybe another time.”

Her father shook his head at that too, but didn’t say anything.

“Oh. Sorry to hear that.” Erin said at the same time Abby said,

“That sucks.”

Jillian’s father frowned at her.

“Um, we hope you feel better.” Erin tossed, grabbing Abby’s hand and leading her back down the steps. As she turned, she caught Jillian’s eyes. They were wide, her light eyebrows raised, and her head nodded slightly towards the hallway she had come from.

Erin wasn’t sure what that meant, so she continued on to the car.

“Well he was really pleasant.” Abby said, getting into the car.

Erin’s door was already shut. “Abby! Close the door, they can probably still hear you!” Erin whispered tensely.

Abby pulled the door shut. “Sorry.” She adjusted in her seat and reached for the seatbelt. “I bet he keeps her locked up like a dungeon or something.”

Erin rolled her eyes. “I don’t think he keeps her in a dungeon.”

“But you recognize something’s wrong there, right?” Abby turned slightly more serious.

Erin stared at the house for a few more seconds. The setting sun cast shadows to the right of the house, making it look gloomy.

“Yeah.” She said quietly. She shook her head, snapping out of her daze. “Well, maybe not. What really happened, he told her she can’t go out? All parents do that.”

“I know. It just… it seems like something’s off.”

“Maybe you’re reading too much into it.”

“Well maybe you’re forgetting about the whole broken hand thing.”

Erin ignored her, starting up the car. Just as she threw it in reverse, one of the shadows on the side of the house moved. A figure ducked and ran towards them, blonde curls bobbing above the other car in the driveway before reaching Erin’s car.

Jillian tapped lightly on the window of the back door, as if Erin and Abby hadn’t seen her less-than-stealthy approach.

Erin unlocked the doors and Jillian jumped in. She had traded the overalls for jeans and a button-up shirt but kept the jacket. She set a little knapsack next to her. “Hey. Is this still okay?” She sounded out of breath.

“Heck yeah!” Abby held her hand out for a high-five, and Jillian slapped it.

“Are you going to get in trouble, Jillian?” Erin asked nervously.

“He’s not gonna check on me. And call me Holtz.”

“Okay, not gonna lie, that was pretty badass.” Abby grinned, as always, getting excited over the small things. “Erin, drive!”

Right. Erin backed out of the driveway and continued up the hill.

Abby tapped her window furiously. “That one right there. That house. Who lives there?” She turned back to address Holtz.

“No one.” Holtz said. “It’s haunted.”

Erin couldn’t help the small grin that crept up on her. If it were anyone else, Erin would have assumed they heard her ghost story and was mocking her, but somehow she knew Holtz was being genuine.

“Really!?” Abby bounced in her seat. Erin was afraid she might actually take off like a rocket.

“Yeah. Whenever I go there, it messes with my equipment. Must be super ionized.”

“You’re being serious.” Abby said, thinking it was too good to be true, that someone else was actually into the science of the paranormal.

Holtz sat back and rested her arm over the seat, giving a condescending “pfft” that made her curls fly up. “What, you don’t believe in ghosts?” She said, as if she were making fun of them.

Basically the same attitude everyone had ever given Erin about ghosts, but reversed.

“We do.” Erin said quickly, laughing a little. “Yeah, we do.” A completely new emotion washed over her. Sort of like when Abby had first approached her and asked if the seat across from her was taken. But this feeling intensified whenever Holtz’s curls bobbed.

“Ohmygod this is fantastic!” Abby said. “We’re actually just writing out our new theory about astral projection.”

“I’d love to read it.”

“This is so cool. I mean, everyone else usually thinks the two of us are crazy, but fuck them right?”

“Right.” Holtz agreed.

They continued talking and Erin felt jealousy slowly creep in. What if Abby found a new friend? Someone she didn’t have to convince to go places, or drag into social situations. Holtz was definitely a lot more confident than… well, most people. Erin forced herself to jump in on the conversation rather than accepting her fate as the third wheel.

“So um, Holtz. Is that your last name?” Erin asked.

“Holtzmann. Mine and my mom’s last name. She’s away. Serving in the army.” Holtz said proudly. “That guy’s not my real dad, by the way.”

“Oh?” Erin tried to casually provoke further explanation, but Holtz didn’t say anything else.

Things went silent for a moment, and Holtz just stared out the window.

Finally, she said, “Oh! I almost forgot,” She tugged a large crinkly bag out of her knapsack. “You guys like cheese puffs?”

~//~

Chapter Text

“Holy shit.” Holtz grinned and laid back in the trunk of the station wagon. The old thick comforter made the perfect bedding, and the trunk was just spacious enough for the three of them to lay back with the trunk closed and the hatch open and still see the movie screen, which was playing previews while there was still a little daylight.

“Is it good?” Abby asked. She hadn’t climbed in yet and Erin was still busy setting up the radio.

“Oh yeah, baby. It’s good.”

“Sweet!” Abby tossed in the cheese puff bag and it landed on Holtz’s stomach.

Erin started to climb in the back. “Oh…” She realized that with three of them, someone would have to be in the middle, which meant someone was next to Holtz, and Erin kind of wanted it to be her but didn’t want to be the one to suggest it. “How are we doing this?” She asked Abby.

“By getting in.” Abby said like it was dumb. She lightly pushed Erin’s back so she could climb in too.

Erin climbed over the seat into the trunk and moved to the end so Abby would have to decide.

Abby climbed over the seat and settled next to the wall. Which meant Erin was in the middle.

She slid into her spot. It was surprisingly spacious, even with three of them.

“Hey!” Abby said excitedly, holding up a Sharpie she found in the trunk. “We can sign your cast!”

Erin immediately thought how it would look if the only known lesbian in the school suddenly showed up with only Erin and Abby’s names written on her cast. “Or we could just draw on it.” She suggested.

Holtz shrugged. “Whatever you want.” She laid her arm across Erin’s lap so Abby could reach it, and Erin forced down another brand new feeling, like she had licked a 9-volt or something.

Jesus, what’s wrong with her today?

“So um, what happened?” Erin asked, trying to sound casual.

“My fingers got crushed in the door.” Holtz replied smoothly.

“Ouch.” Abby muttered.

“Why would someone do that to you!” Erin tried to keep up the conversation.

Abby sucked in a small breath, like she does when Erin screws up.

Holtz shot her a confused look. “Nobody did it, it was an accident.”

“…Oh.” Maybe she really hadn’t seen them through the window that night.

“I wish it was on my left hand; I’d be doodling all over it by now.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you could draw.” Erin tried to keep her breathing normal in case Holtz could feel it, but focusing on it only made her forget what normal was. What was she doing again? Oh yeah, she was about to say I wish I could draw.

“I mean, I can’t draw well but I still do it anyway.” Holtz said before Erin could say anything.

Abby had started drawing a camel. Or a cow. “I like the uh… camel.” Erin said.

“It’s a cat! See, he’s got his back arched. Halloween’s coming up.” Abby defended.

“No, I see it now.” Erin still thought it looked like a camel.

“You guys dressing up?”

“We don’t trick-or-treat anymore.” Erin said.

“I mean for school. Halloween falls on a Sunday this year, so everyone will be dressing up for school on Friday. And probably going to parties on Saturday.”

“And probably drinking and smoking and stuff.” Abby wrinkled her nose. “Lame.”

Holtz shrugged passively. “I don’t know. Obviously I’m not invited.”

“Well they’re stupid, I think you’re really cool!” Abby said.

Erin’s brain told her she should say something. She swallowed. “Yeah. I’m sorry everyone’s so mean to you about… uh, you know.” One sentence and she had managed to dead-end herself in a wordtrap, bringing up the gay thing. It was probably uncomfortable for Holtz to talk about, why would Erin bring that up?

“I prefer to think they’re just afraid of my confidence. And my pyrotechnic abilities.”

“Well that’s one way of looking at it.” Erin joked.

Holtz flashed a grin but it went away quickly. She looked back down at her lap, growing suddenly quiet.

Erin looked at Abby, who had paused her drawing. She met Erin’s eyes with concern.

“Um—“ Erin started.

“They hate me.” Holtz said, sounding like she had just barely fought off tears. “You guys must have figured out I’m gay by now, with the things they say about me in the halls.”

“Yeah, we know.” Abby said gently.

“You’re still hanging out with me. Why aren’t you guys like them?”

Erin was definitely caught off guard by this sudden… everything, from Jillian. She knew it had to be handled gently and started to craft a response in her head.

“Um, because we’re not STUPID!” Abby blurted. “At our old school, nobody would have cared. Wait ‘til you get to college and get into the real world, you’ll be fine.”

Holtz gave a small grin. “Unfortunately, living in a small conservative town doesn’t make this the fake world.” She said sadly.

Abby let that sink in.

“Well, we don’t care.” Erin finally spoke up. “You’re very much welcome here with us.”

“Thanks.” Holtz said, turning away and drawing a knee up to her chest. Her arm still lay across Erin’s lap. “It, y’know… it means a lot. Or whatever. When you came to get me, I wasn’t… y’know. I wasn’t good. School was rough today. So… thanks.”

Erin didn’t really know how to respond to that, and Holtz was turned away and Erin was scared she might be crying or something. Erin took the Sharpie from Abby and turned Holtz’s arm over. She drew a small heart on her wrist. Her best effort at showing support.

Holtz ducked her head down to look at it and smiled.

It was all that needed to be said for a while. The opening credits had just started anyway, so Holtz drew her arm back in and the three of them watched together.

~//~

Chapter Text

The movie was great. All three girls were laughing through most of it, so by the time it was over, they were naturally pretty amped even though it was getting late.

“Sorry I ate all your cheese puffs.” Abby held up the empty bag, which the other two hadn’t seen since the beginning of the movie.

They started to pack up. “You just have to buy me a new one.” Holtz replied.

“Oh… where did you get it?”

“I’m kidding. I brought you a half-empty bag intending for you to eat it. Good job.” Holtz laughed.

“Oh, haha! They were really good though. Where did you get them?” Abby asked. “I don’t believe Erin and I have had the pleasure of experiencing this variety of cheese puff before.” She closed the hatch and climbed into the passenger seat.

Erin started the car.

“It’s a local place. A supermarket, but they make a lot of their own brand stuff. I could show you where it is.” Holtz clicked her seatbelt.

“Right now?” Abby asked.

“If you want.”

“We’re going to the store right now?” Erin asked. “It’s ten o’clock.”

“They’re open 24 hours.”

“Please, Erin?” Abby asked.

“Don’t you have to be home, Abby?”

“Oh please, my parents know I’m with you. I could stay out until 3 and they would know you weren’t letting me cause any trouble. And Holtzy snuck out, and your parents never care where you are so we’re in the clear!”

Holtz leaned in. “Don’t fall victim to peer pressure, Erin. Unless they’re holding a gun. Then you should do what they say. Not trying to lead you to one choice or the other, but I think Abby has a gun.”

“What?” Erin asked.

Abby addressed Holtz. “She’s gonna need some time to warm up to your style of humor. I get it though.”

“Oh.” Erin said.

Holtz grinned at her, squinting a little. “That brain of yours works too hard, I think.”

“Uh.”

“That’s what I keep telling her!” Abby said. “Erin, you know you really overthink everything, sometimes you just need to take a backseat and observe, you know? See what…”

Abby droned on but when Erin glanced back, Holtz was still smiling directly at her, biting her lip a little bit. Erin’s eyes locked with Holtz’s. She never knew such icy blue eyes could give off such a feeling of warmth and familiarity.

She frowned for a moment, wondering why Holtz hadn’t looked away, but the frown was misread, and the blonde’s gaze flitted quickly away, her smile falling.

“… and it’s like you don’t even realize that you’re doing it.” Abby finished.

Now Erin felt like she needed to make sure Holtz knew that the frown wasn’t directed at her. But of course, being Erin, instead of just saying it she tried to think of a way around it. Maybe she just needed more time with the blonde. “Okay. Let’s go.” She shifted into drive.

“Yess!” Abby cheered. “Midnight shopping!”

“It’s still ten o’clock.” Erin reminded her.

~//~

Holtz had put about eighteen bags of cheese puffs in the cart before Erin realized she wasn’t being serious and started putting them back.

“This is so crazy.” Abby hugged a bag of the cheesy snack. “I might die. Can I die?”

“Not before you pay for all this.” Holtz had now stacked a pyramid of animal cracker tubs in the cart.

“Holtz!” Erin started putting the tubs back on the shelf while Holtz entertained herself with the next available thing on the shelf.

“How are you doing this so fast with a broken hand!?”

Erin returned to discover a stack of bathmats now filling the cart, and Holtz sliding an adjustable shower curtain rod open and closed.

Abby bounced over to her and pointed to the shower rod. “Stripper pole!”

“Shh! You guys are gonna get us kicked out!” Erin whispered.

“Oh please,” Holtz said quietly, “They don’t care.” She dropped to a whisper. “The guard tigers might care though.”

“The wha—“ Erin started, but Holtz had jumped effortlessly into the cart on top of the bathmat stack and pointed ahead with the rod.

“Onward, Cap’n.”

“Holtz, I’m gonna venture to guess that your parents don’t take you shopping very much, do they?” Erin asked.

Holtz gave a small smirk. “I’m gonna guess your parents aren’t very much fun.”

Erin couldn’t help but feel like a shot had been fired. She realized she had taken a chance by referring to Holtz’s “parents” when one parent was overseas and the other was an abusive asshole and supposedly not even biologically related. But she didn’t like to be told that her family didn’t have as much fun as other families. It almost implies that her parents love her less, which Erin doesn’t believe is the case.

“Let’s go!” Holtz slapped the side of the cart.

“I’m not pushing you.”

“Boo. Lame.” Holtz started thrusting her hips to try and make the cart move. It actually worked a little bit. She started snagging whatever she could off the nearest shelf, which still involved leaning dangerously out of the cart, threatening to tip it.

“Holtz! It’s gonna tip, stop that!” Erin rushed to grip the handle of the cart.

They could hear Abby loudly bouncing a basketball a few aisles over.

“This is insane.” Erin tugged on her hair a little bit, nervous that an employee was going to come yell at them.

Holtz turned around to look at her. Her playful expression disappeared, revealing one a little more quizzical. Asking Erin if this was okay. Fear that she had pushed her only friends in the school too far by being too much of herself too soon.

Erin’s darker blue eyes met the gaze and could read its meaning instantly. She quickly traded her expression of anxiety for a softer one. “I mean, this is fun.”

Holtz smiled back, but her mood had faded. She slid out of the cart and started putting the bath mats back on the shelf.

“Holt on, I didn’t mean to… are you okay?”

“Of course.” Holtz said genuinely. “Just getting tired.”

“Oh, your pain medicine make you drowsy?”

“No, eleven o’clock makes me drowsy.”

“Oh. But I mean, does it hurt?”

“Yeah.”

Erin was a little surprised by the answer. “Really? Then maybe you’re not taking enough. Medicine, I mean.”

“Of course I’m not taking enough.” Holtz was starting to sound irritated. “It’s my own stupid clumsy fault for slamming my fingers in the door.” She looked at the floor, clenching her left hand into a fist.

Erin was about to ask how exactly one slams their own hand in a door when Abby slowly rolled up to them on a tricycle. “Are we going home soon?” She asked. She had tired herself out on the bikes.

“Yes.” Erin said. “Go put that back.”

Abby made great, exaggerated effort to turn the tiny bike around without getting up, ultimately making an impressive nine-point-turn, riding away triumphantly, and then catching the back wheel on the corner of the aisle and tipping over.

“Owwww.” Abby called from the floor, eliciting a small, surprised laugh from Holtz.

Erin dutifully walked over and helped her best friend pick herself up off the floor while Holtz kicked the tricycle back to where it belonged.

“Oh my god you’re all dirty.” Erin swiped at the dust on Abby’s shoulder. “This floor is disgusting. Let’s get you home.”

“What about the cheese puffs?” Abby whined.

Erin smiled at Holtz. “I guess the three of us will just have to come back another time.”

But Holtz wasn’t smiling back anymore.

~//~

Chapter Text

Erin woke up with a feeling of excitement she didn’t quite recognize. One thing about her that seems to surprise a lot of people is that she likes to sleep in late, and really is a bitch getting up in the morning.

But this morning, Erin had her feet on the floor and her toothbrush in her mouth before she realized she hadn’t put up any fight about sleeping in. She wasn’t even tired. Usually, the only days like this are the last day of school, or her birthday, or Halloween, or something like that. She couldn’t figure out what she was so excited for today.

Anyway, she hummed quietly to herself, thinking about working with Holtz in biology lab, and playing out scenarios about what she and Abby were going to do if Holtz didn’t come to sit with them at lunch. Would they call her over, or would they go over to her? Either way, she wasn’t going to sit alone again. Erin pictured Holtz’s face lighting up when she saw her and Abby walking over.

Erin was actually excited for school, and it had nothing to do with a math lesson.

~//~

They had study hall instead of gym today, and Holtz always left with a hall pass as soon as the bell rang.

By the time Erin stepped eagerly into 6^th period biology, Holtz looked absolutely miserable. Her shoulders were hunched and her face was near the desk but not quite touching it, eyes wide, breathing against it. Her left hand clenched and unclenched and her injured hand swung by her side.

Erin took her seat next to her and tried to flash her a smile without the other kids noticing, but Holtz wasn’t looking.

“Hey, um, are you okay?” Erin figured that was okay to ask. Anyone might ask that, looking at Holtz’s body language right now.

Holtz looked up at her and smiled. Her left hand unclenched and Erin saw deep nail marks in her palm. “Oh, hey! Did you get home okay last night?”

Erin was pretty sure everyone heard that. She couldn’t be sure how many snickers she heard because of the blood rushing through her ears and to her cheeks. “Yeah, that was uh, cool running into you at the store.”

The smile faded again, but not quickly. Erin could tell her words were like a venom slowly seeping into Holtz’s bloodstream, a hesitation before the words took full effect; before it registered that Erin still didn’t want to be associated with her. Erin tried to smile at her again but the message had obviously been received: Erin cared more about her reputation than the truth, no matter who it threw under the bus.

She felt sick as Dr. Gorin started the lecture.

“Sorry.” Erin whispered quietly between Gorin’s words. Holtz made no acknowledgment.

“…which is why nobody in here is leaving until your safety goggles have been wiped clean and all burners have cooled. So make sure you leave yourself an extra few minutes for cleanup—“

“Shut up!” Holtz burst suddenly.

Every eye in the room turned to her.

She had her face near the desk again, not looking at anyone, fist clenching and injured hand shaking.

“Excuse me?” Dr. Gorin challenged. “Is there something wrong with the lesson?”

“We get it!” Holtz bit her lip hard, and licked up the blood that pooled under her tooth. “You’ve been over the safety lecture eighty million times, every science teacher ever has been over it eighty million god damn times. We know how to not kill ourselves on a ten-dollar bunsen burner by now, Jesus.”

“Jillian, you know that going over the safety plan is important.”

“Safety plans are for dudes.”

“This equipment could very well cause someone –even girls—permanent damage if not used properly.”

“Then they obviously deserve it!”

“Jillian I don’t know what this is about, but nobody deserves to get hurt. Ever.”

“Sure they do.”

“Maybe you need to see the guidance counselor.” Dr. Gorin’s voice went quiet and cold. A sure sign that someone was in trouble too deep to get out of now. She ripped a yellow hall pass off a pad and began to scribble on it.

The yellow hoodie boy whispered, “Maybe if she used the proper safety plan, she wouldn’t a broke her hand.”

Everyone laughed.

“Shut the fuck up, Ben!” Holtz whipped a binder at him and it caught him on the forehead.

“OW! What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

“Jillian!” Dr. Gorin ran to get in between them.

Ben was obviously fine but a little degraded after being hit by a girl. And a perfect throw, by the way.

Gorin gripped Jillian’s left wrist firmly but not too tight, and gritted her teeth. “Let’s go. You’re coming to the principal’s office. Gather your things.” She released her arm so she could pack up.

“Stupid fag.” Ben whispered behind her.

Everyone waited for Holtz to retaliate, but she continued to face away and calmly pack up her bag. She slung it over her shoulder and Gorin reached for her arm again.

Holtz yanked her arm away hard. “Don’t touch me!”

Gorin held up her hands and gestured to the door. She followed Holtz out.

The room was dead silent for a few moments.

Erin swallowed hard, then spoke up. “You shouldn’t call someone a fag.” She turned to the boy in the yellow hoodie.  

“She doesn’t care.” Ben replied.

“How do you know?”

“Because she doesn’t.  She’s gay. It means the same thing.”

“No it’s doesn’t. “Fag” is a derogatory term. It’s a homophobic slur.”

“So? My dad calls her that.”

“… Your dad?” Erin started to realize for the first time that this bullying was far deeper than just the kids at school.

Another kid spoke up. “She burned down part of the school. It made everyone’s taxes go up. We’re allowed to complain about her.”

“I doubt it was on purpose.” Although, Erin had only been at this school for a few weeks and she already kinda saw the appeal in setting it on fire.

“Doesn’t matter. She cost us money. Maybe you should mind your own business.”

"Maybe you should change your sweater every once in a while." Erin shot back without thinking.

There were a few "ooh"s and laughs across the room. Ben had been humiliated a second time.

"Like I said, mind your own business, fucking nerd."

Another girl in the back spoke up. “You know the mayor of this town “accidentally” slept with a hooker last year and paid her over $80,000 to keep quiet. Taxpayer money.”

Nobody in the class had an answer to that.

"You know this school used to be a prison? The wing that burned down was where they used to execute people. Primarily, y’know, wrongfully convicted people of color."

Ben turned around. “Who the fuck are you? Do you even go here?”

“Patty.” The black girl said, chewing her gum noisily. “I go to Sacred Heart Academy. I’m shadowing here to see if I like it.” She snapped her gum.  “I don’t.”

Erin was instantly disappointed that this other girl with some common sense didn’t actually go here.

“An all girls school? Maybe you should take Jillian back with you, she would love it there!” Ben said.

“Hell no.” Patty replied. “She sounds crazy. Something like that would get you kicked out at Sacred Heart.”

“She’s a fucking psycho.” Someone else said.

Erin wanted to respond but knew she shouldn’t.

Gorin strode quickly back in. “Sorry about the disruption. Where were we?”

“You were talking about safety goggles.” A girl spoke up, sending the class into a fit of laughter.

~//~

Erin found out later that Holtz had been suspended for two days because of her outburst. Ben, of course, did not get in trouble.

Erin wished she could just go back to her old school with Abby and forget this whole town. But she didn’t want to leave Holtz.

~//~

Forks clinked softly against ceramic dishware, interrupted by the occasional scrape of a knife. Cloth napkins lay neatly across laps, and not a single smudge of food was to be found on the spotless white tablecloth.

Erin hadn’t touched her chicken yet.

She looked back and forth between her parents, wondering if she was allowed to tell them about her day. They had hardly looked at her since they got home from work.

“Um, there was a fight today at school.” She said.

Her father glanced up at her, one eyebrow raised in question. Erin couldn’t tell if the question was about the fight or why she had interrupted the nice silence. He looked back down.

“Was it you?” He asked.

“No. It was um, this other girl. She’s sort of my friend.”

“Don’t make friends with people who fight.” Her mother said, the little inflection in her voice at the end signaling that this conversation was over.

Erin cleared her throat softly and looked back down. She didn’t want the conversation to be over.

“She got suspended” Erin added, her voice coming out a little hoarse because she knew she wasn’t supposed to keep talking about this.

Her parents ignored the comment and continued eating.

After it seemed like the conversation was over, her father said, “Did anyone get hurt?”

Erin straightened. “She threw a binder at him, but he’s fine.”

“And what did he do to her?”

“He um, made fun of her because she broke her hand, and he called her a gay slur.”

Her father scoffed. “You think that’s a fight? Please, you haven’t seen a real fight.”

Her mother spoke up, “She shouldn’t let words bother her. Who cares what other people think, as long as she knows the truth.”

“She is gay though. Everyone knows it, she said so.”

“Well then it shouldn’t bother her.”

“Yeah, don’t you think she was asking for it, then?”

Erin froze. “Wait… you guys don’t… you know—“

“No, we don’t Erin. Use your words.” Her mother cut her off before she could even try to finish.

“You don’t… support gay people?”

“We’re not homophobic, I just don’t see why anyone needs to be out of the closet at such a young age.”

Erin tried to hide the sick feeling growing inside her. “Plenty of straight kids are dating already.”

“You’re not.” Her father pointed out.

Erin looked down. “Well…”

“Oh please, you’re not gonna tell us you’re gay, are you?” Erin’s mother asked dismissively.

“N… no. I’m not.” Erin swallowed and looked at her plate, the untouched food growing blurry through her vision. “I just don’t see anything wrong with people being gay. Even at my age.”

“Well, you’re entitled to your opinions, but I understand how other parents might see this girl as a bad influence.” Her father replied.

Erin couldn’t even respond. It was one of the most upsetting things she had ever heard her parents say. She wanted to cry, but forced herself to hold it in long enough so she could excuse herself without it seeming like their conversation was the reason she was leaving.

Ten minutes later, she carefully pushed her chair out and politely excused herself, pushing her food into the garbage and placing her dish quietly into the dishwasher, wiping at her eyes with her shirt sleeve.

~//~

Chapter Text

6^th period biology was obviously far less interesting without Holtz around. Even Dr. Gorin seemed a little more down after her star student’s out-of-character and frankly somewhat disturbing outburst the previous day.

After class, Erin took a big step. Part of it was fueled by her desire to see Holtz again, and part of it was retaliation against her parents’ comments about Holtz. She approached Dr. Gorin at the end of class. Most students had left, but not all. Erin went for it anyways.

“Hi, Erin.”

“Hi, um, I was wondering, is somebody bringing Jillian her homework while she’s out, or do they need someone to do it?” She had rehearsed her words all class and now worried it sounded a little too scripted.

Gorin seemed to brighten just a little bit. “Her step-father was going to come pick it up but I’m sure it would be infinitely helpful if someone would bring it over to the house. Could you do that for us?”

“Yeah. I mean um, yeah I can bring it over. I don’t live too far.” Sort of a lie. It was probably a thirty-minute walk, but Erin can drive.

“Excellent. Thank you so much, Erin.” Gorin handed her a copy of today’s homework with a sticky note on it that said Jillian Holtzmann. “You can pick up the work from her other classes at the office at the end of the day, just explain to them that you’re bringing it to her.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Erin tucked the papers in her bag and left, but not before earning a smile from Dr. Gorin.

~//~

Erin left Abby out of this one. She was pretty sure Abby was starting a new karate class today anyway. But for some reason, she didn’t bother to check.

Well, that reason was obviously Jillian Holtzmann. And the chance to talk to her alone, maybe. You know, to just… see what’s up. That’s all Erin wanted. Make sure she was okay.

She parked on the street in front of Holtz’s house and carried the papers up the long driveway. She walked up the beaten steps and remembered her and Abby’s last interaction here. This time, she went all the way up the steps and rang the doorbell.

After a moment, the same man from last time opened the door. He held a beer.

“Jillian’s not here.” He grunted.

“Oh. Um, I have her homework.” Erin offered the papers.

“Thanks.” He took them and started to close the door.

“Uh, do you know where she is?”

“Said she was going for a walk. About three hours ago.”

“Oh? She’s been on a walk for three hours?”

He leaned in. Erin could smell the beer on his breath. “Listen, I don’t know for sure, but if you’re really looking for her, I would check the house next door.” He pointed vaguely to the left, then shut the door in Erin’s face.

Erin looked to the left. There was no house, just a hill. On the other side of the hill, she knew, was that mansion Abby was talking about. The haunted one.

Erin started walking up the hill. So she missed Holtz, that’s okay. But she still wanted to check out the mansion. You know, scout it out for when she and Abby went back later.

The multi-level building was definitely spooky, and checked many of the “stereotypical haunted house” boxes. Rotting steps, uneven shutters, boarded up windows, the whole works. It looked like it had once been painted a nice slate blue, but was peeling in too many places to ever repair. Overgrown weeds asserted their dominance over the lawn and front walkway.

She pushed her way through a rusted and broken chain link fence, and walked up the front steps, watching for rotting wood, but so far it seemed stable.

Fortunately, the freshly fallen leaves lay loosely on top of one another, making it easy to spot the pressed parts indicating someone had recently walked there. The front door was slightly open, and Erin walked inside.

She did want to explore, but she heard the soft electrical hum immediately. She followed the sound to the second floor, trying to make as much noise as possible so as not to startle Holtz.

At the top of the stairs, she spotted a blonde tuft sticking out above a half wall, facing some sort of machine.

“Holtz?” Erin called out.

The humming died down and the blonde lifted her head. Erin realized she had been facing her and had probably been watching her through a hole in the short wall.

“What are you doing here?” Not angry, but not as thrilled as Erin was hoping.

Erin casually took a few steps closer and saw that Holtz had been drawing diagrams or blueprints on the wall with a marker. “I came by to drop off your homework. Your dad said you weren’t home and that you might be here.”

“Dammit.” She muttered, tucking the marker behind her ear.

“What?”

“I didn’t think he knew where I was. Nice slap bracelet, by the way.” She pointed to Erin’s wrist.

“Oh, um.” Erin looked down at the silver and purple sparkly band around her wrist. She’d made it from a do-it-yourself kit with Abby. But she could also tell Holtz was trying to avoid potential further questioning. Erin wouldn’t fall for it. “Well, I just… wanted to make sure you’re okay after yesterday. That was a little… I mean, you seemed really upset about something.”

“Yeah, fucking safety lectures.”

Erin had made her way over to Holtz now and saw that Holtz was sitting on an old beat-up couch. Erin took a seat on the other end of the couch.

“I think it was something else.”

“Like what?”

Like pain. Erin figured it out pretty quickly after the incident yesterday. Holtz’s body language suggested she was in pain.

“Did your dad find out that you snuck out with us the other night?” Erin asked gently.

“No.” Holtz held eye contact.

“Are you sure?” Erin tried to remember everything she knew about more subtle body language.

“Yes, I’m sure. Why, did you tell him?”

“No. I was just wondering if he…” Erin hesitated, then swallowed. “If he hurt you, that’s all.”

Something shifted in Holtz’s posture. “Hurt me?”

“Yeah.”

“My dad?”

“Yeah. Or step dad or whatever.” Erin tugged at the bottom of her skirt.

 “No, of course not. Why, do your parents hurt you?” The response was clean, almost rehearsed. If Erin hadn’t seen the door incident herself she might’ve believed Holtz.

“No. I just… Abby and I thought that was a pretty severe injury to do to yourself by accident. I don’t know why. But I still think that. You can tell me, Holtz. I won’t say anything.”

“I don’t know what you think I’m gonna say.”

“Fine, I just wanted to make sure you’re not hurt right now. For whatever reason. You looked like you were in pain yesterday in class.”

Holtz scuffed her booted toe on the dusty floor. “Yeah, listening to that lecture, who wasn’t in pain?”

Erin gave a small nod, acknowledging Holtz’s avoidance of the topic. She didn’t know how to interact with people in a normal way, much less this. She found herself reaching for Holtz’s casted hand. She put her fingertips gently under the wrist. “Can I see it for a sec?”

Holtz reluctantly lifted her arm and Erin slid closer on the couch. Her fingers danced over the lines of the molded wrap, over the cat-slash-camel that Abby had drawn, and turned the hand over, palm up, to lightly brush Holtz’s barely exposed fingertips.

“How many of them are broken?” She asked softly.

Holtz reached over with her left hand and tapped four different spots on the cast. “My pointer finger was just bruised, so I’m lucky I’ll be able to get back to making stuff sooner. Poor pinky got it in two spots, though.”

Erin cupped the back of Holtz’s hand so it was resting in her palm. She could see the heart that she drew. Holtz’s hand was shaking. Erin put her other hand over it very gently to steady it.

“You’re shaking.” She said.

Holtz shrugged.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yeah.” Her voice came out hoarse.

“Still? You should tell your doctor that the meds aren’t working.” Concern filled her voice. A trait her parents lacked.

Tears sprung to Holtz’s eyes, burning, and she turned her chin away a little. “M’sure they would work just fine.”

Erin drew her finger gently across the casted palm. “What do you mean? You’re not taking them?”

Holtz sniffled in a breath. “Hospital bills are really expensive.” She didn’t know this for fact, but she knew that’s what her father told her.

“You mean you can’t afford painkillers? I thought they prescribe them either way. If your doctor prescribed it through the hospital, it’s free to fill the prescription.”

Holtz curled her right thumb instinctively, the only appendage free from the cast. It touched Erin’s hand without meaning to. She pulled back. “We needed the money to pay for the hospital bill. And new tools to fix the door.”

Erin finally caught on, and her breath escaped her with a surprised and saddened huff. “So he hasn’t let you see any of that pain medication, has he?”

“It was fine at first. Didn’t really hurt. When we went to the drive-in? It was fine then. But it got worse. I didn’t think it would hurt this much.” Fresh tears blurred her eyes, and her mouth twisted, lips pressed tightly together.

Erin put her free arm supportively on Holtz’s shoulder, for lack of a better idea of how to make the hurt go away. She kept her other hand cupped under Holtz’s.

It kind of sunk in and anger boiled through her. This asshole caused his step-daughter intentional physical harm and then profited off of the opiates prescribed to her. There were more things wrong with that than Erin could count. And how could she be sure this was the first time it had happened?

Holtz was trying hard not to cry. Her hand was still shaking and Erin noticed her left fist clenched again.

Erin reached for Holtz’s other hand and opened the fingers gently. She could still see the nail marks in her palm. “Holtzy… don’t do that. I’ll… I’ll find something for you.”

“Like what?” It sounded more like a yeah right.

“I don’t know… I don’t know.” She wanted to kiss her hand. It seemed right, but also seemed weird. Instead she just leaned back into the couch, and Holtz leaned with her.

They enjoyed the silence for a few minutes, for once, not alone.

“It was really stupid what Ben said.” Erin said after a while. She had been thinking about how to say what she was trying to say, and this seemed like a good way into it.

“What, about my hand or when he called me a stupid fag?”

Erin was a little caught off guard by the language, even though that’s exactly what he said. “Um, both. I guess I’m just not used to people talking about being gay like it’s bad. People in my old town… they weren’t like that.

“Well, it’s not bad. It’s fantastic.” Holtz said, though Erin couldn’t tell if it was sarcastic or not.

She laughed, “Yeah.”

Holtz raised an eyebrow but didn’t look at Erin.

“Um… I’m sorry you have to endure all this bullying alone. I’m surprised no one else in the school is gay, or at least, hasn’t come out.”

“Not surprised.” Holtz said smugly. “Who else wants to go through this? You’ve heard what they say to me, but not what they do. The blindfold in the locker room, as if those bitches think I’m even remotely attracted to them. Making sure they don’t accidentally bump into me in the hall. Talking loudly about penises whenever I come near so I won’t try to join their conversation. Everyone I used to be friends with. Teachers always putting me next to guys because I make girls uncomfortable simply by existing. That’s why Dr. Gorin lets us pick seats. So nobody can complain about being put next to me. She doesn’t take their bullshit. She gets it. That’s why nobody else is out of the closet. They don’t wanna deal with this. I’m disgusting.”

A small gasp escaped Erin. “You’re not disgusting, Holtz. They’re the ones who are—“

“I meant, they treat me like I’m disgusting.”

“But you know there are other gay people in the school?”

Holtz gave a small smile. “Some of them are the ones that bully me. Some of them probably don’t know they’re gay yet. Some of them… are a little more secretive. I can’t tell if they know or not yet.”

Erin picked at the threads of her skirt. The hem was coming undone. Her heart was racing. “Holtzy… as long as you know that you’re not alone. You may be the only one getting picked on but, that doesn’t mean you’re alone. I mean, I’m… I’m… I’m bi.” She felt lightheaded just from saying that, her heart was racing so fast.

Holtz’s smug grin returned. “I know.” She said.

Erin tried to will her breathing back to normal. “You what?”

“I mean, I didn’t know for sure, but I could kinda tell. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. And it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. And you can still ignore me in school because you’re embarrassed to be around me. I get it.”

Erin felt like she had been punched in the stomach. “Holtz I…“ She swallowed around her words, realizing that Holtz was exactly right. She had no defense. “I’m sorry. I mean I’m sure that being used to the bullying doesn’t make it any better but you seem to be able to roll with the punches, it’s… inspiring. And I don’t think I could handle that. I would… I would break.” Honestly, Erin kind of breaks just watching it happen to Holtz. The fear of it being her on the receiving end of the bullying. She feels the hits as Holtz takes them, easily.

“It’s okay.”

Erin took a deep breath. “You’re something else, you know that?”

The corner of her lips flickered up. “That’s what my mom says.”

“I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t.”

“I adapt.”

Erin absorbed that for a minute. She wondered if she was in Holtz’s position, out and alone and bullied, if she could adapt.

Holtz seemed to sense the question. “What other choice do I have?”

Erin thought about that. She had a few answers. She could beg her parents to move away. She could run away. She could lie and say that she’s straight, which hurts. A lot. “Holtz?” Erin asked.

“Yeah?”

“Does your family know you’re gay?”

“Yeah.”

“What do… what do they think about it?”

“They don’t care.”

This gave Erin pause. There’s no way the answer was that simple. “Really? That’s it? They don’t care?”

“Nope. I told my mom once, but we don’t get to see her much so it’s not something worth talking about when she’s around. Maybe when I get a girlfriend we’ll talk about it. But she’s just said that she doesn’t care. She loves me either way. And my dad said he doesn’t care either, but I think that’s just because it’s only in theory right now, I haven’t actually brought a girl home. Maybe when I do he might have a different reaction.”

“Oh.” Erin was astonished that it was that easy. And a little jealous. “Is that guy your dad or your step-dad?”

“Technically, step-dad. But he’s been around for so long I call him Dad. He’s filled the role for the past five years.”

“Where’s your real dad? Is he around?”

“No.”

“Oh.” Erin couldn’t tell if that meant he was dead or just out of the picture or what. “What happened?”

“Something bad. I can’t talk about it.” She looked at her hand as though she had forgotten about it, and winced as if the pain was coming back. “He was a way better dad than Andy, though.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Erin still couldn’t gather what had happened to him, but decided not to push it.

“So what do your parents think about you being bi?”

“I haven’t told them. But they don’t… really support it.”

Holtz frowned. “That sucks. You think they’d get angry and kick you out?”

“Probably not.” Now that she thought about it though, Erin was a little uncertain. “I don’t know what they would do. I’m afraid they’ll forget about me.” She twisted her hands together.

“Forget about you? Their own kid?”

“I don’t know. It’s probably irrational.”

“You got brothers and sisters? Is that why they forget about you?”

“No. Well, yes, I had a brother. But that’s not really why. They’re just very busy with work and stuff.” Erin had no idea why she was telling Holtz about her brother. She hadn’t even mentioned him to Abby.

“What happened to him?”

“Um. Something bad.” She echoed Holtz’s earlier words.

“Oh. Sorry.” Holtz said. “Well, when you decide to tell your parents, I’ll help if you want.”

“Thanks. And um, I’m gonna stop ignoring you in school. I really shouldn’t care what other people think.”

“You don’t have to. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I will. We’re friends.” Erin flattened out the purple slap bracelet and held it over Holtz’s right wrist, flexing it gently until it curled around her small arm. “Let them think whatever they want.”

Holtz stared at the bracelet. “You say that now, but if you change your mind in school, I promise I won’t be offended.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks. For the bracelet.”

“It has medicinal healing powers. For your hand.”

“You’re full of shit, Erin Gilbert.”

Erin laughed. “Well, maybe it has the placebo effect, which can still work even if you know it’s not real medicine.”

“Maybe.”

“Or maybe it just… has the power of friendship.”

“It’s a piece of metal wrapped in cloth.”

“Do you accept my gift or no?”

Holtz smiled. “Yes. I accept it.”

“Just… pretend it’s sending healing medicine down to your hand. A constant drip.”

“I think it’s working already. I feel tingly.” Holtz joked.

“That’s probably the toxic glue I used to hold it together.” Erin said. “Wait, one more thing.” She took the bracelet back and plucked the marker from behind Holtz’s ear.

“Did you just do a magic trick!?”

Erin raised an eyebrow. “Did you not notice you had a marker tucked behind your ear?”

Holtz felt the side of her head. “Oh.”

Erin smiled and stretched open the bracelet, and wrote something on the inside with the marker. She popped the cap back on and put the bracelet gently back on Holtz’s arm. “My phone number. In case you need help or something. Or just wanna hang out or talk.”

“That’s great, put more toxic stuff on my arm. That’s a permanent marker.”

“Sorry.” Erin said.

“Relax, I’m messing with you.” Holtz pushed her shoulder playfully.

“Oh.” Erin laughed, smiling at the blonde. This is what Erin missed at school today. Not Holtz’s humor, or wanting to see what wacky outfit she wore today, but just her presence. There was something about watching the blonde do everyday things different from everyone else that was captivating. She always seemed to be dancing to some imaginary beat that only she could hear. Even when she was supposed to be sitting still, she was just… nice to look at? That’s what Erin missed today, and she was afraid she wasn’t going to get to see that since Holtz was suspended, but here she was, right in front of her. One on one. Erin didn’t want it to end.

She turned to look at the wall Holtz had been drawing on. “So what are these drawings?”

“You like paranormal investigation? Oh man, you’re gonna love this.” Holtz began explaining excitedly, too wrapped up in showing off her work to notice that their legs were now touching. Erin noticed, though. And it made her realize she needed to stop licking 9-volt batteries, because if that’s what it felt like to touch Holtz, she feared she might become addicted to batteries.

What Erin didn’t know was that Holtz definitely noticed their legs touching. In fact, she had done it on purpose.

~//~

Chapter Text

“Flashlights?”

“Check.”

“Checko.”

“Extra flashlights?”

“Check.”

“Chacha-chkaaa.” Holtz wiggled her hips slightly, patting the side pocket of her backpack.

Erin rolled her eyes but couldn’t hold in the small smile. “Snacks?”

“Check” Abby poked inside her backpack, producing the soft synthetic crunch of a plastic bag.

Erin lowered her checklist and set her pen down on the sidetable of Abby’s basement TV room, basically their hangout. “Abby, is that an entire bag of cheese puffs in there?”

Abby widened her eyes and shrugged exaggeratedly, as if she were being victimized. “I don’t know how many of us are going to get hungry, or how long we’ll be there. Just wait until after your little granola bar and you’re still hungry and you’ll say “oh Abby, you were so right to bring more food. Please, can I have some?” And I’ll say “Suck my dick, Erin—“”

Holtz laughed loudly.

“Funny how when you make up conversations between us you always talk like that but in real life you never say that to me.”

“Ask for my cheese puffs later and find out.” Abby challenged back playfully.

“Abby, for real—“

“I’m sorry no I would definitely share with you. After you admit I was right—“

“Abby, go get a plastic baggie and put some cheese puffs in it. You don’t need the whole bag.” Erin picked up the pen again and pointed up the stairs with it.

“Fine.” Abby took the bag and trudged up the stairs.

From her peripherals, Erin caught Holtz pulling an entire cheese puff bag out of her own backpack and tossing it to the side. She looked at the bag obviously lying on the floor.

“Where did those come from?” Holtz leaned back on the arm of the couch and spread her legs comfortably, frowning at the bag.

“I ought to yell at you too.”

“Oh you “ought” to, eh?”

Again, something about Holtz’s odd but charming behavior made Erin glad she got to spend time with her, ghost hunting and stuff. And she was especially glad that Holtz didn’t seem to have gotten in any trouble for getting suspended or sneaking out the night of the drive-in.

Erin was pulled back to reality by Abby’s footsteps on the stairs, and she noticed the corner of Holtz’s mouth turned up in a small grin.

Oh god. Holtz had been watching Erin stare at her. The grin was because she knew Erin was looking at her, for who knows how long.

Abby slapped a sandwich bag onto her backpack. “There. Are ya happy?”

Erin gave a quick, pleased smile.

“Wait, what are those?” Abby pointed to the bag on the floor accusingly.

“Erin took them out of her bag as soon as you left.” Holtz whispered loudly.

“Erin!”

“No, she did it!”

“Hooh. Wow. Blame the cripple, huh?” Holtz gestured to her casted hand.

“I wasn’t trying to—“

“ERIN.” Holtz said firmly, with that little inflection that made her sound far more mature than a teenager.

Erin really liked the way Holtz said her name. “…what?”

“Re-LAX. I’m joking with you. Let’s go see some ghosts, huh?” She zipped her bag, and Abby did the same.

As they pulled their boots on and headed out the back door, Abby shot Erin a look like, ‘there’s something going on and I know it’

~//~

“It’s mostly the first floor that I hear stuff, and there’s a basement but it’s locked. Whatever the entity is, it usually leaves me alone on the second floor.” Holtz informed them as they walked across the field to the abandoned mansion at dusk. “And the barn.”

“There’s a barn?” Erin tried to peer around the side of the house.

Holtz pointed into a thicket of trees beyond and to the left of the house. With the sun having just set sucking out every color except blue or black, their visibility pretty much ended at the woods.

“Let’s do that one… in the daylight.” Erin said. “We don’t need someone twisting their ankle… on a fallen branch or something.”

“Agreed.” Holtz said, sounding equally scared.

Their flashlight beams jerked across the front steps and porch as they climbed. The front door was open as Holtz had left it.

They stepped into the grand front entryway, and Holtz began speaking somewhat loudly as if wanting the ghost to hear too. “We’ll just run a few of our tests and stuff, but if the entity gets malevolent, we’ll leave right away and I know plenty of other places around here to explore. Whatever spirit inhabits this building, it lets me use the second floor as my lab without much fuss, so if it wants, we’ll leave it alone.”

Erin and Abby nodded, looking around. Dust covered the wood floors and sparse pieces of old furniture were covered in sheets, creating an eerie ambiguity as to what might really be under there.

An old chandelier hung from the second floor ceiling all the way down to the first, a stiff wire woven between links of the chain suspending it. It looked as if it might have been nice once upon a time when there used to be glass on it, but now all the glass had fallen, leaving a metal shell. Abby tested the light switch next to the grand staircase. Obviously it didn’t work.

“So uh, what are you guys gonna be for Halloween?” Holtz asked as she set down her backpack, pulling out what looked like part of a crank-operated flashlight connected to a little disk Erin could only guess was the world’s tiniest satellite.

“I don’t dress up anymore.” Erin said.

“Everyone at school’s gonna be dressed up.” Holtz replied, turning the crank on the contraption. Something in the center lit up a teeny bit.

“I don’t even have a costume. My parents used to just throw a sheet over me. They didn’t even cut out eye holes.” Erin said.

“Erin, you’re a woman now, you make your own holes.” Holtz said.

Abby giggled, and Erin smacked her lightly.

“Sorry.” Abby grinned.

“Do not apologize, that was quality comedy.” Holtz’s voice was muffled by some instrument she was now holding between her teeth so she could use both hands to dig into her backpack. She was struggling to reach around something that made a familiar synthetic crunch.

“Holtz, is that the bag of cheese puffs I told you guys not to bring?” Erin asked.

“Nope.” Holtz removed the thing from her mouth. “I left that one on the floor.”

“So you had two in your backpack?”

“I see why you’re in the advanced math.”

Abby tapped three notes on the air drums to compliment Holtz’s joke.

Erin rolled her eyes. “What is that?” She pointed to the thing in Holtz’s hand.

Holtz held up the instrument and introduced it. “After the failure of my recent “Pencil Finder” machine, I bring you the next great revolutionary tool from Holtzmann Enterprises. The Pencil Loser!”

“…What?”

“I’m kidding it’s the Spectral Ecto-Detector 500. It measures the amount of sulfur and ionization in any substance and determines if it’s true ectoplasm or not.”

“Oh, that’s very cool.” Erin was genuinely interested and walked over to see it.

“Should be something in the thousands…” Abby muttered.

“What?” Holtz asked.

“I’m just saying, “500” isn’t as exciting as 5000 or even 3000, and it’s clearly not the 500^th version so you’re obviously just making up the numbers, which I support, I mean I love my Nintendo 64. But why not give it a cooler number?”

Holtz grinned. “I like the way you think. What number do you want it to be?” She pointed to Abby enthusiastically.

Abby thought for a moment. “9000.”

“I love it! Going straight for the higher numbers leaving little room for failure.” There was genuine enthusiasm with a hint of sarcasm “Spectral Ecto-Detector 9000. I gotta warn you though, start thinking of cooler numbers because my inventions don’t exactly last.”

“Does… does somebody break them?” Erin asked cautiously.

“Nope. I salvage them for parts. This stuff ain’t cheap, you know.”

Erin looked pointedly at the cast encasing Holtz’s right hand. She knew the real price. “Holtz…” She started. She almost wanted to tell her what she and Abby knew. Then maybe Holtz would let them know if she was in danger. Erin wasn’t convinced Holtz had simply gotten off the hook for being suspended from school. It was a big deal. And based on how happy and healthy Holtz looked right now, Erin feared she hadn’t endured the punishment yet.

“Yeah?” Holtz stuck a pencil behind her ear and raised her eyebrows, looking youthful but somehow independent. It reminded Erin that they weren’t exactly a trio yet. Holtz was still the odd one out. It would take a lot to drive Erin and Abby apart, but Holtz wasn’t bound to them by that permanence yet. Telling her that they had witnessed a horrible moment of her life while creeping in her basement window might scare her off. And Erin didn’t want to scare her off.

“Um, I just wanted to say… sorry about the pencil finder thing. You made an awesome invention for me and put time and work into it and I mocked it. It was horrible of me.”

Holtz absorbed this then gave her a lopsided grin, almost sad. “No worries, Ghost Girl.”

Erin felt a thump in her chest. “Who told you about that?”

Holtz turned her smile to Abby.

“Guilty.” Abby said. “Come on, it’s such a good story.”

“And a very cute nickname.”

Erin could almost swear she saw Holtz wink. She tried to turn her attention back to the task at hand: finding ghosts. She heard the low hum of Holtz’s machine upstairs. “So what does the machine on the second floor do then?”

“It’s an old jukebox that I use to store some gadgets. Some of the lights still work if I connect the right wires to an external source.”

“What does it do when it’s running?”

“What do you mean? It doesn’t run.”

“Yes it does, I heard the hum from it last time and I hear it again now.” Erin paused. “That noise. Right there.”

Holtz and Abby focused on the silence.

“She has ears like a hawk.” Abby said, completely messing up the phrase and not even realizing.

“I hear it too.” Holtz said. “That’s… not my machine.” She took a few steps to the left, then turned to them, eyes wide. “It’s coming from the basement.”

As the three of them turned slowly towards the basement, they heard the sound of tinkling glass above them, coming from the glassless chandelier.

"Okay... what was--" Abby started before she was interrupted.

All three girls screamed as the front door slammed shut, closing out the last of the natural light.

~//~

Chapter Text

Previously...

As the three of them turned slowly towards the basement, they heard the sound of tinkling glass above them, coming from the glassless chandelier.

"Okay... what was--" Abby started before she was interrupted.

All three girls screamed as the front door slammed shut, closing out the last of the natural light.

~//~

“Flashlights!” Abby instructed immediately, panic in her voice.

All three of them were already reaching for their flashlights and clicked them on quickly. The beams darted around the room frantically.

“You guys see anything?” Abby asked.

“No. But I heard it.” Erin replied.

Without realizing it, they had been backing away from the front door which had just slammed shut a moment ago. The doorknob rattled as they backed toward the kitchen, but stayed within range, their curiosity getting the better of them.

The doorknob continued to jiggle and the door stopper moved into place on its own. Erin took a few steps towards it.

BAM!

Something banged loudly once on the other side of the door.

Just as the girls thought this was the most intense thing so far, a loud, deep voice echoed from upstairs, resembling a laugh but not quite human.

A few seconds of silence passed.

“AHHHHH! HELL NO! HELL NO I WANT NO PART OF THIS! I’M COOL, DUDE.” One set of footsteps thundered down the stairs as a tall black girl fled the second floor, screaming the entire way. She bolted straight for the front door.

“No, don’t go out there!” Erin shouted.

“WHO THE FUCK—“

“Hey, it’s okay, we’re real.” She reassured the girl who had stopped just short of the front door.

Upon hearing more voices, the girl reached quickly for the doorknob before jumping back as another loud bang pounded the other side.

“It’s okay!”

Patty spun towards them, concentrating her bright flashlight directly on their faces, and planted her feet wide. “I don’t know who you are but I’m not taking any bullshit, alright? I just came here to take some pictures, now you’re gonna let me out or you’re gonna get hurt.”

“We’re not trying to stop you.”

Holtz leaned in to Erin. “You did um, tell her “NO, DON’T GO OUT THERE!””

“Look, you’re free to leave but I wouldn’t. If I were you.”

“That sound like a threat to me!”

“Hold on, aren’t you that girl from biology? The Sacred Heart girl? Patty, right?”

Patty frowned and stepped closer, suspicious but relieved they were human. “Where do I know you from?”

“…Biology.”

“Right. You’re the one that told that boy not to call that other girl a faggot.”

Erin cringed at the use of the word.

Patty’s flashlight jerked to Holtz’s face. She flinched away from the light. “And you’re the one he called a faggot. The one who freaked out.”

Holtz widened her eyes. “Guilty, I guess.”

The flashlight beam moved to Abby. “And you’re… actually never mind I have no idea who you are. What are y’all doing here? Besides scaring the shit out of me?”

“Hunting for ghosts.” Holtz grinned.

Patty turned to Erin, keeping her flashlight on Holtz. “She really is crazy, isn’t she?”

“Guilty again.”

“No, she’s not.” Erin defended. “We’re all looking for ghosts. What are you doing here?”

“Admiring the architecture.” Patty said. “Hold on, that sounded like sarcasm. It wasn’t sarcasm. I really am interested in the history of this building.”

“Nice.” Holtz nodded.

“So y’all were summoning those demons that screamed at me upstairs??”

“We weren’t summoning anything. Just looking for evidence of the paranormal.” Erin said.

“Yeah, in order to summon something we’d need a Ouija board, maybe some candles and special crystals, herbs and specific prayers—“ Abby started.

“Don’t talk about it!”

“I’m kidding! In order to actually summon spirits, I guess first you’d need something to increase the ionization in the air, right?” Abby asked.

“Something supercharged. And concentrated.” Holtz added. “And nuclear.”

Patty froze. “Y’all don’t… have any of that stuff, right?”

Holtz leaned casually against a pillar. “God, I wish.”

Something banged on the door again and the lock started to rattle from the inside.

Patty quickly backed away to stand with them. “Alright, can you freaks help me find a way out or no?”

Erin was used to the name calling. Abby huffed an angry response. Holtz probably liked it.

“Yeah. Let’s look for another exit.” Erin said, starting to lead the way deeper into the house.

Patty put her hands on Abby’s shoulders to avoid getting lost and to use Abby as a potential shield. Holtz held onto Patty’s shoulders, thinking she was starting a conga line.

Patty squirmed and shrugged Holtz’s casted hand off her shoulder. “Don’t do that. It feels like a mannequin hand grabbing me. I get a lot of mannequin nightmares.”

Holtz tucked her hand back into her jacket.

Abby broke free from Patty’s grip, refusing to be used as a human shield, and went to take the lead with Erin.

“What happened to it anyway?” Patty asked.

“Oh, this ole thang?” Holtz looked down at her cast. “Would you believe gator wrestling?”

“Not in Michigan.”

“Then it was a door.”

“Oh. Ha! You must be clumsier than I am.”

“Get used to it, baby. I’m uh, clumsy pretty often.” She forced out a small laugh that hurt somewhere in her chest.

“Why did you freak out in class the other day?”

“Um, because safety lectures are for dudes?” Holtz remembered that the real reason was how much her hand freaking hurt and throbbed that day in class, and thinking about it now made it hurt again.

“You’re odd.”

Holtz took a bow.

“The house can’t be this deep.” Abby said. “We should have run into an exit by now. Holtz, you know the building, right? Where’s another exit?”

“Like I said, I only work on the second floor. Which doesn’t have exits. I mean, not conventional ones.”

“Great. What now?” Abby and Erin stopped short where the hallway teed off in two different directions.

“Um. This way.” Erin said, pointing left.

Abby nodded, trusting Erin’s judgement probably more than Erin herself did.

The hallway ended at one single door. “There’s no way the house goes on further than this. This must be an exit.” Erin said, reaching for the doorknob. Her hand squished in something and she jumped back quickly. “Eep!”

She held up her hand. Green goo dripped from it and landed on her shoe.

“Ectoplasm?” Abby asked.

“Holtz?” Erin motioned to the Spectral Ecto-Detector in her hand.

Holtzmann raised the device and swabbed a bit of goo onto the sensor. “Cute reaction noise.” She told Erin.

A green light lit up, but the device was silent as the three ghost girls watched it intently, and Patty kept 360-degree watch around them, annoyed they weren’t worried about their surroundings. 

The device finally whirred quietly for a few seconds and stopped. The green light shut off and a blue one lit up.

Holtz threw one arm in the air triumphantly. “Bawwwwm!”

“What?”

She pointed excitedly to the blue light. “That’s a positive reading. I mean, I assume it’s positive, I’ve never actually had it come in contact with real ectoplasm before but I programmed it to do that.”

“It’s real whatnow?” Patty asked.

“Ectoplasm.” Abby and Erin said at the same time.

“It’s the substance that spectral entities—“ Holtz started.

“I know what ectoplasm is.” Patty said. “You’re telling me that slime was left by a ghost?”

“Yes!” Abby said excitedly.

“On that doorknob?”

“Yes!”

“And we about to go through that door?”

“… Uh…” Abby and Erin had never actually been this close to intentionally finding a ghost before.

“We have to.” Erin said. “It’s what we’ve been researching our entire lives!”

“Okay you’re like, sixteen.” Patty said.

Erin gathered her courage. “Look, I’m opening this door, whether it’s an exit or a ghost. I need to know.”

Patty backed away slowly.

Holtz grinned up at Erin, admiring her courage. “Love it.” She whispered.

Erin braced herself to open the door, and Holtz and Abby moved to the sides. Patty backed further down the hall, but not too far because she didn’t want to get lost.

“Here goes.” Erin said.

Patty shook her head. “I can’t believe this. I run into real living people in this freaky house and I think I’m safe from the ghosts, but just my luck that y’all are looking for ghosts.”

“Three… two…” Erin counted, nervousness starting to seep into her voice.

“One!” Holtz yelled prematurely, hiding slightly behind Abby. “One! One! Do it!” She bounced excitedly.

“I get a bad feeling that you’re gonna be involved in my death.” Patty told Holtz.

“Sorry in advance.”

“One.” Erin said softly, yanking the door open.

Saying there was nothing behind the door would be inaccurate. Darkness was behind the door. Somehow a more complete darkness than the girls had ever seen. Like a liquid blackness, almost undulating in the air. Their flashlights did nothing.

“Okay, that’s freaky. Let’s go back to the front—“ Patty started, but another inhuman shrieking laugh echoed, coming from the kitchen. “ShitshitshitshitGO!” Patty started to push them towards the open door.

“Hold on,” Erin said.

“WHAT FOR!?”

“We don’t know what’s in there.”

Patty pointed to the kitchen door. “Well we know what’s in there, and it ain’t human!”

“I laugh like that sometimes.” Holtz grinned.

“Someone needs to go first.” Erin said. “Rock paper scissors?”

Patty backed out of the circle, assuming herself exempt for not being the one actively looking for trouble.

The other three counted off and held out their hands. “Wait, this doesn’t work with three people.” Erin realized.

They did separate little tournaments while Patty alternated between rolling her eyes and borderline crying with frustration.

Ultimately, the loser was Holtz, even after she tried to use her cast as “Hulk Smash”

She didn’t seem to mind, lining herself up with the doorway.

“We’ve got your back, Holtzy.” Erin assured her, putting a hand gently on her shoulder. Which Holtz really liked, by the way.

“Thanks Er, it’s kinda my front I’m worried about.” Holtz took a small step forward into the darkness.

She stuck her flashlight out ahead of her. It illuminated about a foot into the darkness. Erin got behind Holtz and held her shoulders to follow her. Abby lined up to do the same to Erin, but Patty pushed her out of the way.

“I will not be last, and I will not be first. That’s always where people like me get picked off.”

Abby let Patty in front of her and followed Holtz’s shuffled footsteps. They disappeared into the thick blackness.

After a few moments of shuffling down the narrow corridor, Erin was silently praying Holtz wouldn’t somehow lead them off a cliff.

Holtz broke through the silence suddenly, belting out a guttural note, and then another, in a tune that resembled 13^th century gospel.

“Um Holtz, can you maybe stop? It’s making it more haunting.” Erin asked.

Holtz paused. “But I like it.”

“I’m with Redhead. Sing something gentle.” Patty said.

“Sorry, I’m not taking requests.” Holtz informed them before starting the song up again. Her singing was cut short again as she shuffled quickly to a stop, causing the others to bump into each other.

“What is it?” Erin asked.

“There’s a drop-off.” Holtz said.

“Are you sure it’s not just a stair?” Abby asked.

Erin felt Holtz’s shoulders lower as she tested the depth of the unseen drop in front of her. She got down so low Erin gripped her upper arms, afraid she was going to fall. Holtz stood back up. “Nope. It goes down at least two feet. I’d guess more, based on the draft I’m feeling up my pant leg, but maybe that’s just me. Hold on, there’s a ledge that goes around it.”

“Holtz, stop—“ Erin was certain Holtzmann was going to fall and held her shirt until she was out of reach.

“Woa-ho.” Holtz gasped as they heard the sound of her foot slipping. Pebbles tumbled down and landed in water somewhere below.

“Holtzy, come back. You shouldn’t be climbing on that if you can’t even see it.”

“I can see it.” Her voice came.

“What are you talking about? You can see right now?” The others had been rendered blind by the unnatural darkness.

“Just a little bit. I have good night vision. A cool side effect of having terrible day vision and light sensitivity. Thanks for the flashlight beam in the face earlier, Patty. I’ll think of you with every throb of my headache later.”

Patty shrugged. “I ain’t apologizing.”

They heard the sound of her foot scraping something flat. “I’m on the other side guys. There’s a window just around this corner, and I see the moon. I think we can get up to it if we all boost each other. The window that is, not the moon. Though I’d love to see that—“

“Holtz!” Erin said.

“What?”

“You’re saying you want us to jump over whatever you just crawled across?”

“Yeah.”

“How far is it?” Abby asked.

“Um… how good is your standing long-jump?”

“Five feet.” Erin said.

“Wow, what a solid answer. No hesitation. You planning on trying out for track?”

“Holtzmann!”

“Sorry. You’ll clear it just fine. It’s probably between three and four feet across. Patty could probably step it without a problem.”

Before she lost her courage, Erin quickly made the jump, landing squarely on the other side. She felt a hand grab her forearm and help her up, surprisingly strong. “Thanks, Holtz.” She still couldn’t see anything but she could feel Holtz’s smile nearby.

“Ab?” Erin asked.

“I don’t know if I can do this, guys.”

“You can do it! We’re right here, we’ll grab you.” Erin reassured her.

Abby hunched down, gathering momentum, and the next thing Erin knew, she and Holtz were both knocked to the ground by the weight of Abby’s backpack.

“Ow! Ow what the hell, Abby?” Erin said, rubbing her nose. Holtz’s leg had somehow ended up across her stomach.

“Did you catch my backpack?” Abby asked from the other side of the hole.

“Yeah, with our faces, thank you very much.”

“I needed to lose some of the excess weight. I’m coming over so get out of the way!”

Erin realized Holtz hadn’t moved since they were blindsided by the bag. “Holtz?”

Holtz’s leg slid off of Erin but she didn’t make a sound.

“Holtz, say something, you’re scaring me. Are you okay?” A little sense of dread filled Erin for a moment.

No answer.

“Did I hurt Holtzy?” Abby called.

“Holtzmann please say something.” Erin said.

“Sorry, yes, I’m fine. I forgot you can’t see me nod my head.”

Relief washed over Erin. “Are you hurt?”

“M’fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Erin, you’re bleeding.”

“I am?”

Holtz reached her thumb out gently and dabbed at the bridge of Erin’s nose. It pulled away bloody. “I think her walkie talkie cracked you on the nose. Coulda been worse. Coulda put your eye out with the antenna.”

Erin’s eyes were adjusting to the minimal light shining in from the window and she could see Holtz’s features outlined in the moonlight. She had imagined Holtz would be smiling while cracking a joke like that, but she wasn’t. Her face was set in a slight frown and staring at Erin’s nose with worry.

“It’s fine, it doesn’t hurt.” Erin said, which was a lie. It stung and it was starting to throb.

Holtz tugged a tissue out of her jeans pocket and dabbed at Erin’s nose again.

Erin thought she heard Holtz say, barely audible, “It’s okay.” Erin placed her hand over Holtz’s to hold the tissue. “Put pressure on it.” Holtz instructed quietly, pulling her hand away but it came to rest on Erin’s arm instead.

Erin wondered what her face must look like, staring back into Holtz’s caring eyes. It wasn’t a look she had really seen on the blonde before. “Thanks.” Erin squeaked.

Across the gap, Patty leaned in to ask Abby, “Are they flirtin’?”

Abby rolled her eyes. “Probably. Hey guys! I’m coming over there so you better move!”

Erin and Holtz shuffled out of the way quickly.

“3… 2… 1… Cowabunga!” Abby’s jump was immediately followed by a loud THUMP and a cry of pain. “I totally deserve that.” Abby groaned, rolling off her backpack which the other girls had forgotten to move.

“Look out, Patty’s coming over!” Patty shouted, and everyone moved back again. Patty made the leap effortlessly, and said, “Where’s the fucking window, I’m going out first.”

“I can’t believe I made that jump.” Abby said, proud of herself.

Holtz grinned. “It was about 8 inches across.”

“WHAT!?”

Holtz cackled with laughter as Abby smacked her lightly on the shoulder.

The girls boosted each other up and out of the window and into the cool night air, pulling Holtz up last since she couldn’t climb too well with her cast.

Patty started marching off through the tall grass toward the road, mumbling to herself about getting home well past dark.

“Same time next week, Pats?” Holtz called after her.

“You need help!” Patty shouted back. Suddenly she stopped. “Hey, was this car here before?” She pointed to a car parked at the front of the property.

“It definitely wasn’t.” Erin said as they approached it.

Holtzmann got close to it, looking inside and checking the license plate, before looking back up at the house.

“Holtz, do you know whose it is?” Erin asked.

“It’s Dr. Gorin’s.”

~//~

Chapter Text

Holtz POV

The girls agreed to confront Dr. Gorin in school together on Monday, when Holtz’s suspension was over. But today, Sunday, was just another day of her home imprisonment with her step-dad watching over her shoulder. And he wasn’t happy about it.

She managed to exist in her own house completely unnoticed (which was a very good thing on days he’s been drinking) until the evening when her mother called to check in.

Phone calls with her mother were always the high point of her week. Even this insanely weird week, with all its ups and downs, from the constant throbbing in her fingers to Erin coming out and giving her her number and going on an adventure together. For the first time in over a year, Holtz finally felt like she had a few real friends. Despite all of that, Holtz’s favorite part was still the few minutes she got to talk to her mom on the phone. She could win a million dollar lottery all seven days of the week, and talking to her mom would still be the best part.

And the low point was always when her mom said, “I have to go.”

“Few more minutes, Mama? Please?”

“Baby, you know I don’t make the rules. If I did I would talk to you all day, every day.”

“Then just come home, and you can do that.”

“I am. I’m coming home for Thanksgiving. Okay?”

Holtz quickly did the math, the numbers flying through her head. “That’s 37 days away.”

“Start counting. I love you, baby.”

Holtz took a breath and paused. She knew her mother wouldn’t hang up until she had said ‘I love you’ back.

“Jilly?”

“Love you too, Mama.” She said quietly.

“Goodnight, baby.” She blew a kiss through the phone and hung up.

Holtz put the phone back on the receiver, having just survived the best and worst parts of her week.

“What did shessay to you about the suspension?” Andy asked from the couch.

“She said don’t do it again.”

He sat up. “Thatssit?” He was a few beers in.

“Yes.” Holtz stepped through the kitchen on her toes, facing the couch, light on her feet and alert like prey. 

“I told her youuuoughta be grounded.”

“She has the final say.” Holtz reminded him. “She’s my real parent.”

“What ‘m I? Chopped liver?”

“No. I—I think she thought that being suspended is grounding enough.”

“Yeah, whata hard life you live, huh? Don’t hafta go to school for two days an I gotta take time offa work and babysit you so you don’t set the house on fire. That’s okay, I can take time offa work. I’m made of money, right?”

“I don’t need to be babysat, and she made her decision.” Holtz defended.

“When do I get to start making parenting decisions? She’s not even here. She’s not raising you anymore, you rec-recong – recognize that right? Look around, I’m supporting us here.”

“Mom sends money.” Holtz said. She wanted to avoid a fight but was too pissed to keep it in. “She sends her whole salary back to take care of us. You spend it on beer.”

“I spend it on things we need. Do you know how muchit cost toget the roof re-shingled last year? Nobody’s raising you but me, kid. Kiddo. Nobody’s protecting you but me.”

“Lucky me.” Holtz felt her cheeks begin to ache with tears forming. Her mom absolutely protected her.

“I’m effectively your father and yer mom still treats me like I’m in probationary parenthood.”

Holtz gripped the edge of the counter. “I may call you Dad but you’re not my father.”

“No, I’m better. I’m better than he was.”

“You’re worse! You’re a hundred times worse!”

Andy sat up and turned around to face her, seeming to sober up a little. She realized the slurring was mostly because of the way he had been laying. “He was dangerous. You were too young to realize that.”

“He was just sick. And nobody would help him.” She swiped at the stinging tears. She knew Andy thought poorly of her father, but he never talked about it so now she was getting a chance to defend him.

“Your father was a fucking psycho!”

“You didn’t even know him!” She screamed.

His tone quieted, but was firm. “No, but I see it in you. When you talk to yourself or pretend to be chasing ghosts. It’s in your genes and if I keep letting you look to him as a role model you’re gonna end up in a looney bin or in a grave like him and it’ll be on me.”

“FUCK YOU!” She screamed, knowing the consequences would be bad. “He may have been sick but he would never hurt me! You don’t deserve to be a dad!”

That was it. She knew it would be. He shoved off the couch and started running towards her, demanding she take it back. She knew he always wanted kids of his own but his previous marriage didn’t yield any and Holtz’s mom didn’t want any more.

But each throb of her hand, every few seconds of every day, reminded her of how much he really didn’t deserve to be a father.

She screamed all the way to her room, slamming the door and jumping onto her bed, praying he wouldn’t follow.

But after a few beers and an insult like that, he definitely did.

Her bedroom door slammed open, ripping a poster of a panda on her wall when the doorknob impacted. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He informed her.

“Get away!” She shouted, before letting out another ear-splitting scream.

He stumbled in and batted away the various stuffed animals she threw at him.

“Dad, stop! Andy!”

“If you’re so insistent that I don’t deserve to be a father,” He began, walking over and pushing her shoulder down against the bed, placing his knee squarely on her chest.

She grunted and tried to suck in air before it was all pushed out.

“then why do you still call me Dad?”

She knew exactly how this would go. He’s done this before, but only when he’s really angry, and usually intoxicated. He was gonna keep his knee on her chest until it felt like a rib was going to snap or she got lightheaded from struggling to breathe, and then he was going to get up and walk away. It was undoubtedly a power move. A way for him to really remind her that he could really hurt her if he wanted.

“Jillian? I want an answer.” He reeked of beer.

She squirmed. “I don’t know why.” She said.

Whether it be from the amount of beers or genuinely a product of his anger, he was leaning more of his weight than usual on her.

“You think of me as a dad, that’s why.”

“Not my dad.” She wheezed, and he pressed harder. She thought she could feel her ribs bend. She had read about people who broke their rib and it punctured their lung and they drowned in their own blood. “Sorry! Please! Get up!” She used the last of her air to beg.

“Say it. Say that you don’t look up to that lowlife of a father you had before.”

She couldn’t say anything if she wanted to.

“You don’t look up to him!”

Holtz was sure this was it. This was the time he was really going to break her ribs. The broken fingers thing was of course an extreme. But he’s never broken a rib before. What does it feel like to drown in your blood? She was positive that just a few more seconds of this…

Her head fell back onto the pillow at the same time they both heard a soft, muffled little snap!

Both their eyes went wide in surprise, before she screwed her eyes shut and her hands flew to the left side of her chest, mouth twisted in pain.

He backed away, seemingly surprised at what he’d done.

She inhaled her first gasp of air and almost screamed. She took short little breaths and rolled over onto her side.

“Sorry.” He said quietly, sounding scared. “I didn’t think it… sorry.” He backed out of the room and quickly shut the door, leaving her curled on her side.

After a few more seconds for good measure, Holtz breathed deeply to try and catch her breath, rolling onto her back again and laughing slightly through tears. Quietly, she propped herself up on one arm and twisted around to lift up her pillow. Under it, the silver and purple slap bracelet curled up. She checked herself over, making sure she wasn’t actually hurt, and laughed a little bit again, holding the bracelet close to her, stretching and bending it in relief.

snap!

snap!

~//~

Chapter Text

“Holtz!” Abby shouted across the hall, a few minutes after the dismissal bell had rung.

Erin felt a wave of instinctive embarrassment creep up on her at Abby’s loud voice, but then she remembered that she had decided to be Holtz’s friend now, no more exclusion. Therefore she shouldn’t care if people associate her with the openly-gay blonde.

Still, it was going to take some getting used to.

Erin followed Abby over to Holtz’s locker, which was actually in a relatively unused corner of the wing.

“You ready?” Abby asked.

Holtz stuffed a binder into her backpack and kicked her locker shut. She gave a short nod, no words, and started leading them toward Dr. Gorin’s room.

Erin wondered if the secluded locker placement had been randomly assigned or if Holtz had to have her locker moved due to bullying or something. She contemplated making small talk on the walk to the biology lab, but Holtz had a no-nonsense, investigative air about her.

She took one long step up to Dr. Gorin’s open door, straightened her back, and knocked.

“Come in.”

All three girls walked in. Even with the door open, the room was instantly quieter than the noisy hallway. The room was empty except for Dr. Gorin sitting at her desk, writing on some papers.

“Hi, Jillian. I’ve been meaning to talk to you—“

“We’ve been meaning to talk to you.” Holtz said accusingly.

Gorin noticed the other two. “Hello, Erin. And…?”

“Abby.” Abby said.

“What did you want to ask?”

Holtz suddenly lost her confidence like a deflating balloon. She stepped aside and motioned for Erin to take over.

“Oh, um.” Erin wasn’t expecting that. “We were uh, hanging out in that old house on Brayer street the other night and some strange things started happening. And when we went outside, we noticed your car out front.”

“Yeah. Did you have anything to do with that?” Abby shot.  

Gorin looked a little surprised. “I stopped briefly at a house on Brayer street the other night, but I don’t think I caused anything weird to happen.”

“So what were you doing there?” Abby asked, still in interrogation mode.

“I was actually looking for Jillian. Your father told me you might be in that house.”

“You were… looking for me?” Holtz asked quietly.

“Yes. I think we need to talk.”

“Hold on. You came to talk to her at eleven o’clock at night?” Abby asked.

Gorin ignored Abby and continued talking to Holtz calmly. “Your mother called your house and you weren’t there, so she got worried and asked me to check on you. She’s worried about a few things, Jillian, I think we need to talk privately.”

“You know her mom?” Erin asked.

“Talk about what?” Holtz asked, ignoring Abby and Erin again.

Gorin finally turned to the other two. “Can you maybe give us a few minutes?”

“Did something happen? Is my mom okay!?”

“Yes, Jillian. She’s fine. Please, have a seat for a minute.”

Erin and Abby easily read the seriousness in her voice and backed out of the room, closing the door.

The hall had quieted down by now, and they couldn’t hear Holtz and Dr. Gorin anymore. After a few minutes, Abby turned to Erin. “Do you think it’s about…you know, her step d—“

“I hope so.” Erin mumbled.

“Should we go?” Abby asked, gesturing down the hall. “Leave them alone?”

“No. I want to talk to Gorin after Holtz is done.”

“Why?”

“In case Holtz lies.”

“Wait, you’re gonna tell Gorin what we saw?”

“I didn’t realize she was a family friend, but it sounds like she is. I’ve been thinking about who we should tell, because I don’t want Holtz to have to go on like this. I wanted to tell her mom but Gorin might be the next best option.”

“I just kind of feel like we shouldn’t be getting in her business unless it’s to tell the police.” Abby said.

Right then, the door opened and Holtz walked out. Erin tried to read her face but it was expressionless. She walked past them, mumbling “I’m going home.”

“Okay… see you tomorrow!” Erin called after her, but Holtz kept going around the corner.

Erin and Abby peeked into the classroom to find Dr. Gorin at her desk rubbing her temples.

“Looks like they had some words.” Abby whispered.

Erin started into the room, pushing the door mostly closed behind Abby.

“Hi ladies.” Gorin said. “Can I help you with something else? If it’s about classwork, I ask that you save your questions until tomorrow.”

“It’s about Holtz.” Erin said. “Uh, I mean Jillian.”

“Look, it’s a personal matter that I can’t really discuss with you—“

“We saw—“ Erin started, not sure where she was going but just wanting Gorin to take her seriously. “Uh, we accidentally saw her step dad um, break her fingers.” Erin’s heart was racing.

“Accidentally.” Abby emphasized.

“I mean, we saw it accidentally. He didn’t do it on accident.”

Dr. Gorin raised her eyebrows at them and froze. “What do you mean you saw it?”

“We were walking Abby’s dog past her house, we didn’t know it was her house, and we heard someone fighting but didn’t see anyone inside so we thought it might be ghosts so we went around back and looked in the basement window and… heard him tell her to hold the doorframe. And then he slammed the door. On purpose.” Erin spilled. She was glad it appeared Gorin was taking them seriously now, but she didn’t like how serious she looked.

“Sit down.” She told them, pointing to a lab table.

They complied.

“So you saw this happen and didn’t call the police or tell anyone?”

Erin was stunned. She thought she was doing the right thing by telling Gorin now. “I… we… I’m sorry. We didn’t want to get in anyone else’s business. We figured it might be a one-time thing or maybe some families are just like that. I’m so sorry.”

Gorin pressed her palm to her forehead and stared wide-eyed at the ground, as if too much was happening at once. “It’s okay. Thank you for telling me. Did you see anything else?”

“No. Well, she told me he sells away her pain pills. He doesn’t let her have them. She said that’s why she got mad in class the other day.”

Gorin swallowed visibly. “She told you?”

Erin suddenly felt like she had violated something between her and Holtz. “Yeah. She didn’t say anything else though.”

“Well thank you for telling me. I’ll handle the matter now.” She sounded stressed and dismissive.

“Okay.” Erin lingered for a moment, before realizing she should leave. She turned and followed Abby out the door, feeling a little sick, while Gorin went into her back office.

Abby pulled the door open to find Holtz standing directly on the other side of it, staring at them, eyes red with tears.

“Holtz!” Erin jumped a little.

Holtz’s eyes bore into her.

Erin felt like she was in trouble and suddenly wanted to puke.

“You spied on me!?”

“No—we didn’t mean to. We thought someone was in trouble.” Erin said, and even though it was the truth, her voice was weak and had very little conviction.

“You have no idea what this means for me. I can’t believe I ever even talked to you.” Holtz turned and walked away, breaking into a sprint when she reached the double doors.

“Oh, shit.” Abby whispered.

“We did the right thing.” Erin told her. Told both of them, really. “We did the right thing.” But Holtz’s words were echoing in her head. You have no idea what this means for me. Erin didn’t really think about it before. Where would Holtz go if her step dad couldn’t take care of her anymore? Foster care? Would she have to move away? Or what if they couldn’t get enough evidence against him and she had to stay with him after all? Is that what Holtz meant?

Erin paused at the garbage can on their way out, feeling shaky like her lunch might come back up, and she stared into the can while Abby rubbed her shoulder supportively.

~//~

Chapter Text

Erin arrived home angry. She had wanted to puke but now she just wanted to hit something. Or someone. Like Holtz’s dad. Or maybe Gorin.

Erin wanted to hit herself.

Of course she knew telling someone was the best option. And if she had called the police the night Holtz broke her fingers, they might not have become friends. Erin just wishes she had made sure the damn door was shut all the way before running her mouth to Gorin like that.

It was so stupid.

And on top of that, a little outburst during dinner got her a one-way ticket to sleeping in the basement tonight. Sometimes her parents just couldn’t deal with having children on the same floor as them. Once, Erin thought this might be because they were having sex and didn’t want her to hear, but then Erin remembered her parents were literal robots who probably don’t even have private parts and she and her brother probably came from a petri dish.

Something like that.

She threw a few pillows onto the couch just for the sake of throwing something.

“Stupid!” She kicked the couch cushion and pushed back the hair that had fallen out of her ponytail. “I’m so stupid!” She dropped herself onto the couch and folded her arms, feeling like a kid having a temper tantrum. To be fair, kicking the couch was the height of her tantrum. She had a terrible habit of internalizing.

She hated herself for throwing away a great friendship with Holtz, and moreover, possibly ruining Holtz’s life.

If this is what would happen every time she tried to make a new friend, she’d only have Abby for the rest of her life. That is, as long as Abby never finds another best friend. And what if she messed things up between her and Abby? Then where was she? Friendless, forever?

Erin stood up with a sudden idea. She knew exactly what she had to do.

In the corner of the basement was an old closet where they kept winter jackets, boots, bags, and anything extra. Currently, all that was still in boxes from the move. Erin dug through the boxes until she found her old school backpack. Her parents had bought her a new one for this year and the new move, and she hated it. It just reminded her that she wasn’t at her old school anymore.

Taking cans of food and flashlights from the basement pantry, she packed the backpack, forcing back stinging tears and an incessant voice in her head telling her she would never go through with it.

It’s not like she could leave now anyway. It was raining so hard there were flood warnings on the evening news.

As she tried to close it, the backpack zipper broke off in her hands, ripping the backpack.

She sank back onto her ankles, letting out a sigh that signified frustration and sadness beyond tears. She stared at the wall for a few minutes, zoning out.

She knew her parents would never listen to her if she said she hated her life here and wanted to go back. Between their dismissal of everything she said and her inability to keep friends, she was sure there was no point in staying here.

A soft rapping from the other end of the basement made her jump and spin around.

Her brain ran through every possible creature in the X-Files that had ever made a sound like that, and in an instant she had eight plausible theories as to what supernatural or cryptozoological being it might be.

She stared in petrified silence and waited to hear the noise again.

It came again.

tap tap tap

It was the window, a noise separate from the rain. Which made it that much scarier to Erin, because it could be literally anything at this point, but at least it wasn’t inside.

Curiosity overcoming fear, as it usually does, she crept toward the window and saw something light colored move in front of it.

Something white. A white sneaker. The shoe planted itself in the mud and disappeared from the window.

Erin ran over and shone a flashlight out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the creature.

Instead, the light beam caught the attention of the figure she had seen. Holtz. She turned around and their eyes met for a moment.

Erin’s mind took a second to find words. “Holtz!”

Holtz started walking back over, squishing through the mud. She crouched down. “Is this a bad time?”

Of all the things Erin was expecting her to say, that was probably one of the last. “Sur- yeah, yes. Come in. Can you fit?” Erin stepped back and stacked a few boxes beneath the window.

Holtz slipped in through the small window, dropping onto the boxes and landing her muddy feet on the concrete ground.

Erin quickly moved to shut the window was it was letting little streams of water in. She turned to Holtz, who looked like she had just climbed out of a pool, shivering. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry about the…” She pointed to the mud on the floor.

“Don’t worry about it. What’s going on? What happened?”

“Nothing, ah. Can I get a towel?”

“Of course! Stay there.” Erin ran up the stairs and made sure to stay quiet so her parents wouldn’t wake up. She grabbed a stack of old towels and a set of dry clothes, in case Holtz needed that too.

She walked back down the stairs, shutting the door quietly, and found Holtz sitting cross-legged on the floor, looking down at her lap. “Hey. I got some towels and a change of clothes, if you need. Just a tee shirt, hoodie and some sweatpants.

Holtz didn’t answer.

She set the stack in front of Holtz, who accepted one towel and dried her face and arms, then brought the towel back to her face and breathed into it, looking like she was blinking back tears.

That’s when Erin noticed some of the marks on her face hadn’t been wiped away by the towel.

“Holtz?”

Again, she didn’t answer. Her hair dripped in her face.

“Put on some dry clothes and you’ll feel better.”

Holtz looked at the clothes, then looked around the basement. There wasn’t exactly any privacy.

“I’ll face the wall, over there.” Erin said awkwardly.

Holtz didn’t seem to care, and was already stripping off her soaked windbreaker.

Erin went to the corner and faced the wall, wondering what possibly could have happened.

“I’m done.” Holtz said a minute later, and Erin walked back over. The hoodie had her last name, “GILBERT” written across the back, along with her jersey number 11 from her old school’s track team. She remembered it was some kind of big deal for girls to wear their boyfriend’s oversized team hoodie, like marked property or something.

Holtz looked really good in Erin’s hoodie, though. She looked cozy. Especially the way her wet hair fell. It was… cute.

But that train of thought was only background music for Erin’s main worry: why Holtz was here.

“Hey, um.” Erin started. “Is everything okay?”

Holtz still looked cold. She didn’t say anything.

“Are you hurt?”

“No.” Holtz said quickly. It was the first direct answer she’d given.

“Holtz, um…” Erin started, stepping closer, trying to think of how she was going to say what she wanted to say.

“I’m not gonna talk about that with you.” Holtz said sternly. “I DON’T need that right now.”

“That’s not what I was gonna say. I was gonna say that if you’re hurt I want to help you, and I won’t ask anything.

“Oh. I’m not hurt.”

“Holtz, I won’t ask how it happened but I can tell you’re lying.” Erin’s voice was quiet.

Holtz set her jaw. “It doesn’t matter. My mom’s coming home.”

“That’s great!”

“The Army’s not happy about it.”

“But it’s not your fault.”

Holtz snorted. “Yeah it is.”

“Do… do you wanna talk about what’s going on? Did you talk to your mom?” 

“Yeah.”

“And she knows… what happened?”

“Whatever Gorin told her.”

“Holtz…”

“What!”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I saw, and who I told, and I’m sorry that this is happening to you but I’m a little bit glad that your mom knows now because I don’t like the thought of you being hurt.” Erin said, assuming that little heartfelt thing would fix things.

“You know what, fuck you Erin Gilbert! Everything that’s been happening for the past few weeks has been happening for years. The only thing that changed is that you fucking showed up. I was dealing with it just fine! I just want things to go back to the way they were, why couldn’t you just leave it alone!?”

In Erin’s young mind, she did regret telling someone. She wanted to take it back. Maybe some families are just like this. Maybe she could have gained Holtz’s trust, got her to tell her herself, and Holtz could have come over and spent the night and hung out whenever things were rough with her step-dad. And they could sit on the couch under a blanket and watch the X-Files and eat snacks and whatever it took to make Holtz feel better.

Instead Erin was sitting on the couch with Holtz, separated and cold, with bad feelings between them.

“I’m sorry.” Erin started crying. She hated that she was doing this in front of Holtz but as much as she tried, she couldn’t hold them back. She wiped at her eyes, watching Holtz’s frowning, unchanging face. “I could say I made it up.” She offered suddenly.

Holtz considered this. “Would you?”

“Of course! Of course I can!” Erin didn’t think twice about what this might do to her own reputation, or what trouble she might get in.

Holtz shook her head. “They wouldn’t buy it.” She picked at the skin around her fingers, and the girls were silent for a minute, thinking. Finally, Holtz looked up. “It’s really our only shot. Would you do it? To make things right?”

“Absolutely.”

“And you’ll make Abby take it back too?”

“Yes.”

“And what he does to me is none of yours or anyone’s business.”

“Holtz…” a good second look confirmed what Erin already suspected: the marks on her face were definitely at least one bruise.

“I’m serious Erin.” 

Erin bit her lip. “It’s not my business.” She gave in. “But as your friend. I wanna help you not get hurt again.”

“You can’t do that.” Holtz presented it as fact. “If you recant, I can at least handle things on my own, like I’ve been doing; or if you don’t, I get sent away or put in a system that doesn’t care about me, away from my family and friends and everything I know, and there’s no saying I won’t get hurt there anyway. I guess that means I’m getting hurt either way, so take your pick.”

“I’ll recant.” Erin said. “If you tell me what happened tonight. What did he do? Did somebody tell him?”

Holtz sighed and looked down at the coffee table. “Nobody told him anything. He doesn’t know. He hit me with a pizza box a few times because I ate the last piece, and he called me fat so I called him fatter.”

Erin actually snorted a small laugh at Holtz’s comeback, then instantly felt bad for laughing when her friend just told her she was beaten with a pizza box.

Fortunately, Holtz laughed a little too.

“You’re absolutely not fat.” Erin said.

“I know that. I may have a lot of problems, but body image isn’t one of them. I know he’s just saying shit for the sake of saying shit.”

Erin looked her over. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

Holtz looked suddenly uncomfortable. “No.”

“Are you sure? He only hit you in the face with a pizza box?” The more she thought about it, the more those corners of compacted cardboard seemed like they would really hurt.

She hesitated. “Can you tell me if there’s anything on my back?” She started to turn around.

“Yeah, of course.”

Holtz lifted up the back of the hoodie. There were a couple of faint wedge-shaped red marks across her upper back around her shoulder blades. At the points of them it looked like there was peeled glue, like the skin had been broken but not enough to draw blood. There were about five marks in total, and they were beginning to purple around the edges. Forming bruises for sure, but nothing serious. Erin also noted an imprecise scar lower on her side.

“Um, yeah. It looks like there’s a few bruises there. Is that also from the pizza box?”

Holtz quickly put the hoodie back down. “He doesn’t know I’m here.” She said, seeming to start an entirely different conversation.

Erin had kind of figured nobody knew she was here in the middle of the night, it really wasn’t something that needed to be stated. “Oh. Is he… are you gonna get in trouble?”

“Nah. I’ll go home before morning.” Holtz said, glancing back at the window. It was still pouring out, even harder than before.

“You can use the front door this time.”

Holtz nodded.

“Can I ask you something?”

“I can’t promise an answer.” Holtz settled herself back into the couch cushions, seemingly unaffected by the marks on her back.

“Did your dad ever find out that you snuck out with us the night of the drive in?”

Holtz shrugged easily. “Nope.”

“Are you sure?” It was something she and Abby had been worried about.

“I’m not lying, he really didn’t find out. What, do you think every day is just some horrible torture-fest at my house? He loves me, you know. He’s my family. And based on what you said about your parents forgetting about you and ignoring you all the time I’d rather have him than them.” Holtz got defensive.

“…Holtz, that’s different.”

“You think there aren’t different kinds of abuse? I think your parents are neglectful, and that’s why you’re taking it out on me. Why are you sleeping in the basement, huh? There’s no bedroom down here.” Holtz noted the pillow and sheet on the opposite couch.

If Erin were older, she would recognize that Holtz was just being defensive, but instead she took it as a direct insult to her family, which she’s never tolerated well. “They’re not neglectful, they were investigated!”

Holtz paused. “Wait, your parents were actually investigated for neglect?”

Erin realized what she’d said. “No! I mean, they determined that they’re not.”

But Holtz was quiet, intrigued by this new development. “What happened?” She asked quietly.

“Nothing.”

“Something.”

“It’s not worth talking about.” Erin suddenly found herself on the receiving end of the kind of questioning she had given Holtz. Now she could see why Holtz didn’t want to talk about it.

She felt Holtz shift closer, almost in understanding. “Does it have to do with your brother?”

“Who told you I had a brother?”

“You?”

“Oh.”

“You said that you ‘had’ a brother. And something bad happened.” Holtz reminded her. She cocked her head to look at Erin’s eyes, which were looking away at the reflection in the empty TV screen. “You don’t have to tell me what happened. But is that why you’re so afraid of them forgetting about you? Does it have to do with him? Did they forget about him?”

“No. They didn’t forget about him. They’re just… busy. They just… forgot to take him out of his carseat. On a hot day. He was so quiet. But they didn’t do it on purpose, they didn’t forget about him. They’re not bad people.”

“Of course not.” Holtz said softly.

“They don’t talk about him.” Erin said, looking off. “I mean, they don’t let me talk about him. That’s the kind of forgetting that scares me. Not the car.”

Holtz wasn’t good with words. So she moved closer on the couch. “Sorry.” She said quietly, taking a chance and putting her head on Erin’s shoulder.

Of course, this girl who actually cared about Erin and was one of the few who didn’t forget about her, was quite possibly going to be forced to move away very soon. “I’ll do my best to fix it.” Erin said. Of course she intended to, she intended to recant everything she’d said to Gorin. It was what Holtz wanted. But it still felt so wrong.

~//~

Chapter Text

All throughout school the next day, Erin replayed that night with Holtz in her head. She wished she’d put an arm around her or offered to watch a movie or something before she left. She could still have that someday, soon even, if only Erin could convince Gorin that she had lied about Holtz’s dad. She spent all day planning what she was going to say.

During 6^th period Biology, Holtz at least seemed okay, and didn’t ignore Erin.

By the bell after last period, Erin had written out and memorized a whole thing she was going to say to Gorin. She wanted to stop by Holtz’s locker to tell her she was going to do it, but decided to go straight to Gorin’s room instead.

She stepped inside the biology lab and closed the door all the way. She didn’t immediately see Gorin, until the woman brushed quickly out of her back office and began gathering her things from her desk into a bag. She didn’t look at her. “Leave that door open, Erin, I’m not staying.”

“Oh, um.” Everything in Erin’s written plans had involved Gorin sitting down with her for a heartfelt conversation. “I just needed to tell you something—“

“Now is really not the time.”

“I’ll make it quick, but it’s important. I wanted to say that Abby and I made up the whole thing about Holtz’s step— “

“Stop it.” She dismissed.

“—dad, oh. Um, we were kind of just trying to draw attention to ourselves because we’re new—“

“Erin, be quiet.”

“He really didn’t hurt her, we made it up—“

“Shut up!” Gorin snapped. She paused, looking annoyed and remembering she had to take her job into account. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I need to take care of something right now. Please get out, I need to lock the door.”

Erin stood there for a minute, trying to process everything.

“Never mind, just close the door it’ll lock behind you.” She strode quickly out of the room and shut off the light, leaving Erin alone.

Gorin was nearly in a sprint by the time she reached the bus loop. Few kids remained on the sidewalk and all the busses had started up and closed their doors, readying to leave. She quickly checked the bus numbers and found the one she was looking for, boarding it and scanning the seats.

A few murmurs broke through the general clamor as kids noticed Gorin standing at the front.

“Jillian!” She called, and everyone’s head turned to Holtz in the back, who naturally sat alone and wore headphones, so she didn’t notice.

One of the kids near her tugged her headphone wire, pulling the jack out of the portable CD player. “Hey!” She looked up and saw Gorin.

“Jillian, come here for a second, please.”

Holtz frowned at Gorin, but quickly presumed this was about Erin and Abby’s admission. She gathered up her headphones and player, throwing on her backpack and making her way to the front of the bus.

“Step outside with me for a minute, please.” Gorin said. The other busses in front of them had left and the ones behind them were waiting. She turned to the bus driver. “You can go, I’ll take her home.”

“Wait, what?” Holtz started to pull away.

The bus driver looked conflicted.

“It’s fine, I’m one of the teachers and a family friend.” She said as if teachers and family friends were never behind kidnappings.

She didn’t stick around for the bus driver’s reaction, and led Holtz back toward the building.

“What are you doing?” Holtz asked.

“We need to talk. Something happened.”

“Is this about my Mom?”

“… Yes.”

Holtz stopped dead in her tracks. “Me and my dad are going to pick her up from the airport after dinner tonight.” She insisted.

All the busses had left by now. The monitors went back inside and the loop was quiet.

“No, you’re not.” Gorin said quietly.

Holtz tried to form the words ‘what happened’ but she felt like the wind got knocked out of her and if she spent the energy on those words she wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore. Because her brain was already three steps ahead to the answer to ‘what happened’.

“Jillian. Please come inside for a minute. We’ll talk in my room, okay?” She reached for Holtz’s arm, but Holtz stayed planted firmly where she was, headphones and CD player still in hand. “We don’t know for sure yet.” Gorin added.

“Don’t know what?” The words felt like letting out the last of her air in a swimming pool so she could sink to the bottom.

Gorin was quiet. She waited for Holtz’s stone expression to break up so she could pull her into a hug, but it didn’t break. “The plane was shot down. They lost contact so nothing is for sure yet.” Instinctively she wanted to emphasize the last part, but refrained, not wanting to give the young girl false hope.

Holtz took a step back like she was going to run.

“Jillian, do not—that won’t solve anything.”

“Then take me home.”

Gorin sighed. “You’re not going home right now.”

“What do you mean!”

“Your step father was contacted first about what happened. I spoke to him on the phone and I’m fairly certain he figured out why your mother was coming home. That it had to do with him, hurting you. I don’t know for sure, but I spoke with the police and they’ve granted me temporary custody of you since I’m your third emergency contact, after your parents. Okay?”

“I don’t believe you!”

“We’ll stop by the police station and someone there will talk to you about it. Okay, Jillian, please?” Gorin reached for her arm again gently, and again Holtz pulled back after her arm was caught, resulting in losing her grip of the CD player. It fell to the concrete and cracked, small plastic pieces skittering away.

Holtz looked at it and paused, dropping her beloved headphones to the ground as well. “Why are you lying to me?” Tears started to well up in Holtz’s eyes. She was out of reach of Gorin now.

“Jillian, please— “

A beat-up old car pulled up in the loop, coming to an abrupt stop nearby.

“Dad!” Holtz ran toward the car.

“Jillian, DO NOT get in that car!” It didn’t help that Gorin had a scary tone when she yelled.

Holtz dove into the passenger seat and into her step-dad’s arms as much as she could. He held her comfortingly, tears in his own eyes as well.

Gorin ran toward the car just as it peeled away. She wanted to scream but ended up muttering some nonsensical combination of curse words under her breath, making note of which way the car went before running back toward the school doors to call the police.

But, as per school protocol, the doors were locked.

~

“What do you think happened?” Abby asked Erin as they wandered through the halls. They had missed their busses, but had planned on walking home anyway after talking to Gorin, which they didn’t get to do.

“I don’t know, like I said she just ran out of the room.”

“Do you think it has to do with Holtz?”

“Probably not, I saw her get on the bus when I walked past the East doors earlier.” Erin said.

“Is that what they’re called? The East doors?” Abby mused. “I never knew what to call them besides ‘the bus loop doors’”

“I heard someone call them that once.”

“Are we going out that way or the other way?”

“Um.” Erin stopped and looked around. “Let’s check out the West doors, just so we know where they are. I think there’s a path through the back that gets us to Acer Street.”

“Aye-aye, Captain.” They turned and made their way to the West doors and out the back of the school.

~//~

Chapter Text

Holtz sat near the back on the morning bus, as she usually did, though she never realized how loud and obnoxious the kids sitting behind her were.

Probably because she always had her headphones and CD player. Her usual morning dose of Radiohead’s “The Bends” album was typically enough to set the tone for just another day of high school hell. Look, it was better than being left alone to her thoughts, which could be a very dangerous thing.

Today especially. She’d begged her dad to let her stay home, after a night curled up in his arms on the couch crying, but he’d solemnly insisted she go to school. They were lucky the cops hadn’t come last night, he’d said. If Gorin saw she was missing from school, it might be a different story. He didn’t want her to go either. He understood. He gave her a long hug and told her to call if she needed anything or just wanted to talk, and to go see the guidance counselor if she needed to get away.

At no point during the night did he make any mention of knowing why her mother was coming home, or any hint that Holtz might’ve told anyone about what happened to her hand. He just did all the things a father should, and comforted her, and promised to take her to the store after school today and let her pick out a new CD player and headphones, and even a few albums for her new player.

So to leave the comfort of home on such a difficult day, so early in the morning, and to be dropped into the shock of a cold school bus with loud people she mutually hated all around her, just felt like a personal hit from God himself, and seemed so on point with the rest of her life that she couldn’t even flinch at it anymore.

She tried to focus on details of the landscape through the morning fog and dew on the windows and play songs in her head, and ignore the laughing kids behind her. She didn’t even care anymore.

So when one of them slid into her seat, she just put her jacket hood up and forced herself closer to the window, as if she could disappear into the bus wall.

“Hey, Jillian.” A girl said.

She looked over. One of the popular girls. She had a purple flowery raincoat and a thermos. Admittedly, pretty. Holtz used to have a crush on her. A long time ago.

Holtz turned back to the window and ignored her, crossing her legs away from the girl.

“I said hi.” The girl sounded slightly annoyed.

Holtz dropped her head back against the seat, knowing she wouldn’t go away until she got whatever reaction out of Holtz she was aiming for. “What.”

“Jeez, I was just going to say you look really nice today.”

Holtz wanted to disappear, and then die.

The girl cleared her throat. “You’re welcome.”

“Please go away.”

“I’m just trying to be nice! Actually, I wanted to ask you something.”

Holtz heard a few kids behind her snickering.

“Will you go out with me?”

Holtz felt tears rush to her eyes. It wasn’t the first time she’d been asked out as a joke, or as the victim of somebody else’s dare. In fact, she was pretty sure every time she’d been asked out, by a guy or girl, was a dare. She’d never know for sure, since she learned to treat them all like jokes. And she could usually deal with that crap.

But why today?

“Leave me alone.” She bit her lip. 

“No, I really wanna know, will you go out with me?”

Holtz ignored her again.

“Hey,” The girl touched her shoulder, trying to get Holtz to look over at her.

Holtz finally turned, and saw at least four more heads peeking around the corners of nearby seats, just as the girl leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

Holtz shoved her away quickly, bumping her head into the window. “Stop! What the fuck!” Her legs went out instinctively to balance herself, and she kicked the girl in the shin.

“Hey!” The girl shouted back, the kick causing her to drop her thermos, spilling an unidentified but very hot liquid on to Holtz’s arm and thigh.

Holtz cried out in pain and jumped up on to the seat to avoid the spilled liquid.

“SIT DOWN!” The bus driver screamed.

Holtz jumped over the girl into the aisle. but caught her ankle on someone else’s knee and pitched forward face-first into the aisle. Feeling everyone around her scramble to avoid touching her, she dove for another seat, leaving her backpack. She held her burned arm close and brought her knees up, putting her head down to try and cover her face as she forced back tears again, feeling everyone’s eyes on her.

After a few minutes, her backpack was dropped heavily next to her on the seat, without a word. The fabric was wet and reeked of coffee.

When the bus finally came to a stop at school, Holtz decided to stay in her seat until everyone had left, to avoid anyone seeing her tear-streaked face.

As people were shuffling past her, she heard a few voices whispering about her.

“Sorry.” Came the girl’s voice, actually sounding slightly genuine, as she walked by.

A few seconds later, a boy passed her saying, “You didn’t have to spill her coffee, it was a freaking joke.”

Holtz gathered her wet bag and got off the bus after most kids had left but before she could get yelled at by the bus driver.

Instead of following the herd through the front doors, however, Holtz swerved to the right and walked to the edge of the school grounds, where the cleanly-mowed fields met the forest, and started walking the perimeter, for pure lack of willingness to do anything else.

~

“Hey, is that Holtz?” Abby pointed at someone who had broken away from the pack on the way from the bus loop to the school.

Erin squinted. “Yeah.” She headed right without waiting for Abby to suggest it, and Abby was close behind.

“Holtz!” Erin jogged to catch up. “Hey!”

Holtz didn’t turn around.

Erin and Abby finally caught up and walked on either side of her. “Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Erin asked.

She didn’t acknowledge them.

“Holtzy?”

“I don’t wanna talk right now. Go to your class.”

“What are you doing out here?” Abby asked, “It’s cold.”

“It doesn’t concern you.”

“Did… did something happen yesterday with Gorin? I tried to tell her I made it up but she wouldn’t listen to me, I swear— “

“S’not about that. Just, please, leave me alone.”

“Why are you walking out here? Don’t you have to go to class?”

Holtz stopped in her tracks, taking the other two by surprise. Her voice was tear-choked. “Guys, I’m serious. I just wanna be alone. Please, just fuck off.” She started walking again, and they didn’t follow.

Abby and Erin looked at each other, then back at the school.

~

A few minutes later, Holtz risked a glance behind her and saw that Abby and Erin had gone inside. Now, however, one of the school aides was jogging out to her. Holtz wanted to break into a run but knew it would look bad and get her into more trouble. She pretended she didn’t see her.

“Hey, kid!” The woman caught up to her. “Hey!”

Holtz stopped but didn’t look up.

“What are you doing? You can’t be out here, get to class.”

Holtz let out an empty sigh and watched her breath disappear in the chilly air.

“Let’s go, you’re gonna have a talk with the principal.”

“Why don’t you just kill me instead.” Holtz muttered, reluctantly following her.

“What?” The woman asked, as if she’s never heard of a suicidal teenager before.

~

“I wanna call my dad.” Holtz insisted as she was led into the principal’s office. The guidance counselor was there, too. And Gorin.

The guidance counselor looked through a file in her hands. “Your… father who passed away?”

“No!” Holtz couldn’t believe how stupid this dude was. Then fear hit her. “Wait, did something happen to Andy!?”

“No, Jillian. Sit down please.” Gorin said gently, then told the guidance counselor, “She means her step-father, you idiot.”

Given any other circumstance, Holtz would have smiled at Gorin calling another adult an idiot in her defense, but right now she hated all of them.

“What is this about?” Holtz sat back in her chair and crossed her arms.

“You were walking in a field instead of going to class.” The principal said.

“Okay, I’m back. So can I go to class now?”

“Jillian, we’re worried about you.” Gorin said. She looked more closely at Holtz’s face. “Did he hit you, did Andy do this!?” She gently wiped moisture away from a red and purple bruise forming along Holtz’s cheekbone from tripping on the bus.

“No! Don’t touch me!” She swiped at Gorin.

“Alright, hey! Jillian, we’re all very sorry to hear about what happened to your mother, and I understand there are a few issues about your living arrangements that need to be worked out, but there’s no reason to get violent, okay? We’re here to try and help you.” The principal said.

“I don’t need help.”

“What happened to your face, Jillian?” Gorin asked again.

“What happened to yours!” Holtz shot back, forming fists.

Gorin seemed to take notice of another bright red splotch on the back of Holtz’s pale hand. “What’s this?” She pointed.

“Nothing.” Holtz pushed her coat sleeve further down her arm and winced.

“Roll up your sleeve.”

“No.”

“Alright.” Gorin addressed the other adults in the room. “We’re going to continue this in the nurse’s office; I have strong reason to believe she’s hurt. Jillian, let’s go.” She took Holtz’s good arm and pulled her up, leading her out of the room and to the nurse next door.

“What’s going on?” The nurse asked sweetly, but stood up seeing the amount of adults following Holtz into the room.

“Can everybody stop touching me!” Holtz pulled her good arm away from Gorin.

“Something happened to her arm.” Gorin said.

“Have a seat, sweetie.” The nurse walked out from behind her desk and pushed back the curtain for Holtz to sit on one of the rubber-cushioned beds that honestly just looked like ironed-out bus seats. Holtz sat down and allowed the nurse to take her jacket off, the fight completely out of her at this point.

The redness of the burn had spread up most of her forearm.

“Oh, what happened?”

“Somebody tried to kiss me on the bus so I tried to get away and she spilled hot coffee on me.” It was the simplest version of the truth and Holtz still knew she was going to be grilled about it.

“Let’s get this under some running water, okay?” The nurse led her over to a sink.

Gorin lingered back, finally giving Holtz some space. She didn’t stop her questioning though. “Jillian, for real, what happened to your face and arm?”

“I fucking told you! I was harassed on the bus! If I said it was a boy who forcefully kissed me would you take it more seriously?” Holtz was in tears again.

“Keep your arm right there, sweetie.” The nurse said quietly to Holtz, before stepping away. “I’m sorry, but I ask that you three finish this conversation another time. I think a little bit of space is in her best interest right now. Okay?” She actually sounded very dismissive, and even pulled the curtain closed a little bit on the other three.

Gorin, the principal, and the guidance counselor left the nurse’s office.

The room was finally quiet. Holtz sighed and took a second to enjoy the cool water running on her burned arm.

“Sorry about all that, sweetie. Is that feeling better?”

Holtz dropped her head to her arm and breathed in the antiseptic smell of the dark counter a few inches from her face. She was completely emotionally and physically spent, and it was only 7:30 in the morning.

The nurse started pulling out supplies. “How did that get burned?”

“Somebody on the bus spilled coffee.”

“Did it get you anywhere else?”

“My leg, but I think it’s fine. Doesn’t hurt.”

“Okay. You hold that there as long as it feels good, okay? Lemme get you a stool, and I’ll put out some dry sweatpants for you to change into when you’re ready.” The nurse dragged over a stool so Holtz could sit in front of the sink.

She watched the clear stream of water run over her arm, artificially distorting the lines of her skin. Somehow, it seemed so weird that this water was in the world but her mother wasn’t.

Holtz took in a shuddering breath. “Can you send Dr. Gorin back in, please?”

“Of course.” The nurse briefly stepped into the hall only to return a moment later. “She’s on the telephone right now.”

She was afraid Gorin was going to do something to Andy. “Who’s she talking to?”

“Sweetie, I don’t know.”

Holtz tried to focus on the pain in her stinging arm. Her fingers had slowly been healing, and they usually didn’t hurt but she could bring the pain back by thinking about it. She wanted to feel all of it right now, but being in pain also made her want to be wrapped in her mother’s arms and have everything kissed better.

She could not win.

~

After finally convincing everyone that the bruise and burns really were from the bus (which Gorin still didn’t entirely believe), Holtz was permitted to use the Guidance Office conference room to do her schoolwork quietly if she wanted to be alone. After getting next to no sleep all night however, Holtz fell asleep in the conference room for most of the day.  

Just as she was planning to make it to her last class, there was a soft knock on the door and the guidance counselor let Andy in.

“Hey kiddo.” He said gently, taking the seat across from her. “Is it okay if I sit?”

Holtz nodded, and the guidance counselor made sure everything was ok before giving them the room.

“Heard you had kind of a rough morning.” He held the demeanor of the real, kind and caring father Holtz knew he usually was, but clearly people like Gorin were blind to.

She shrugged and looked down.

“Listen, uh, I’m sorry to tell you this but— “

“No.” Holtz covered her ears and felt a surge of stinging tears rush to her eyes.

“No no, it’s not about uh, that.” He put a hand out across the table for her. She held it. “I was going to say that, apparently you can’t stay with me at home tonight.”

On the outside, Holtz’s face fell with disappointment. But on the inside there was a flurry of brain signals telling her heart to stop racing, it’s just a false alarm. It’s not about her mom yet.

“I spoke with Rebecca, she’s gonna take good care of you, okay? It’s only temporary, and she’s got a nice guest bedroom. She was a good friend of your mother’s and I’m positive she’ll take good care of you, okay?”

It didn’t require an answer, because they both were only thinking about one thing.

He said ‘was’.

He caught it too late, and didn’t want to draw attention to himself by correcting it.

Thinking about her mother made her sick. Holtz looked down at the poor notebook paper she had been scratching a pencil against for the past few hours. The concentrated center of the scribble had now cut though at least four pages. “Do you really think I’m a psycho?” She asked. It seemed out of the blue, but after being left alone with her thoughts in a condition like this for hours straight, she was growing scared, of herself.

He looked surprised, as one would expect. “Oh, no sweetie. What would make you say that?”

She avoided eye contact and picked up her pencil again to distract her hands. “You call me that a lot.”

“No I don’t. I’ve never called you a psycho.”

Her chest rose and fell once. “Yes you have. Whenever we fight, whenever I mess up or do something wrong.”

“Well, maybe you’re hearing me wrong.”

She knew he was lying. Between the physical pain, the last few hours of silence, and working hard to distract herself from thoughts of her mother, Holtz sorta wanted to pick a fight. “You’re saying I’m hearing things.”

“Maybe.”

She looked up at him startled. He wasn’t supposed to agree with her on that.

“I’m not hearing things.” She mumbled.

He didn’t want to fight. “Rebecca will bring you back home after school to pick up your things for a few nights, okay?”

“Why can’t I go home with you now?”

“You can’t. Can’t go anywhere with me. Police said so. It would be kidnapping.” His tone held just the slightest accusatory edge.

She stared him down. “I didn’t say anything.”

He cocked his head. “And I didn’t do anything.”

What the hell does that mean? He doesn’t believe her, because he did do something? But she really didn’t say anything! Except to Erin…

For a moment, just remembering that despite everything, Erin Gilbert still existed in the world as her friend made things just the slightest bit easier.

The feeling went away, and she was yanked back into the moment. Andy. Staring at her. Telling her he didn’t do anything while her hand was wrapped in a cast for the purpose of fixing three fingers that he broke.

The skin around her eyes grew tender and red with fast-approaching tears, and the tip of her nose turned pink as well, as it does when she cries. She worked her jaw to keep the actual tears from falling, but still stared him down, refusing to break in front of him. This was his fault.

“It’s your fault.” She heard herself say. She hadn’t meant to say it, and instantly wished she could take it back. She felt sick just hearing her words.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” He stood up and left, but the damage was done to both of them. Her own words had taken her by surprise and hurt her more than any of his words could have.

She absolutely hated herself.

She ripped out the four notebook pages and pulled her hood over her head, burying her face in the table until the last bell rang.

~//~

Chapter Text

Nightfall brought an unprecedented amount of worry to Erin. Holtz wasn’t in class today after walking in the field, something was definitely off about Gorin, and nobody was answering the phone at Holtz’s house. She’d biked past Holtz’s house and there was a cop car parked in the driveway.

Something was really wrong. Obviously. Even how Gorin reacted the other day should’ve tipped Erin off, and she was angry at herself for not catching it sooner.

A million thoughts swarmed her as she sat in her room, hugging a fuzzy pillow. The main recurring thought was that Holtz’s dad did something really bad this time. He’d really hurt her. Something horrible. Should Erin go check the nearest hospital? She had a feeling it wasn’t like the movies though, where you could tell the front desk someone’s name, pretend you’re family, and they’ll give you a room number.

Besides, she’s Erin. Erin doesn’t act. She sits around on her ass and watches things play out around her. Which is what she should have done instead of telling Gorin about Holtz’s dad. Something told her this was all her fault.

The thing that Erin’s mind kept going back to though, was that something else was wrong, with her. If it were Abby instead of Holtz, yeah she’d be worried, and she might even be more likely to act because she knew Abby’s family. But this dread feeling in her stomach… would never happen if Abby were hurt or in trouble. Not to this degree.

Which is the third thought that Erin kept having. She likes Holtz. No more lying to herself, no more thinking she was just drawn to her because she was Erin’s only LGBT friend.

Too much was happening, and silence could only make things worse. She needed her X-Files fix.

Erin grabbed her favorite big blanket and fuzzy pillow, a hoodie for comfort, and tip-toed in the dark to the basement.

She laid out the blanket, popped in a VHS tape of an old episode, pulled the hoodie on, and snuggled into the couch, hood up, hugging the pillow. Sourceless tears fell for no reason and dried without being wiped. The breath she took after the tears were finished felt more full somehow, like she’d been partially holding her breath since the last time she cried.

Just as she was getting lost in the story, feeling the familiar tingle along her back that came with any creepy X-Files case, she jumped at the sound of a light tapping on the window behind her.

She whipped around and saw a familiar pair of shoes in the window.

She jumped up and ran to the window, pushing it open. Holtz slid in, her jeans torn and button-up shirt wrinkled. The cast on her right hand had been replaced by a splint and white tape tightly wrapped around her middle, ring, and pinkie fingers. Without hesitation she hugged Erin.

“Hey…” Erin hugged her back. “What happened? Where were you?”

Holtz sniffled a sob.

“Come sit down. C’mon.” Erin kept an arm around her and led her to the couch, pushing the blanket back and propping the fuzzy pillow to the side so Holtz could sit.

Without any second thought or permission, the blonde grabbed the fuzzy pillow and hugged it hard, tears running down her face just like Erin had been a few minutes earlier.

“What happened?” Erin swallowed, then added, “Are you hurt?”

Holtz squeezed her eyes shut. “No.”

“There was a cop car at your house.” Erin blurted.

Holtz sniffled again, with the telltale clearing of snot that said she’d been crying for a while. She took in a couple of involuntary hiccupping breaths.

A hypothesis had been formulating in Erin’s head for the past few hours, and keeping true with the scientific method, she was ready to test it. Gently, of course. “Holtz… did something happen with your mom?”

Holtz sniffled and nodded. “Who told you?”

“No one.” She said, then realized she should add, “I saw Gorin yesterday after school, looking for you. She seemed pretty rattled.”

Holtz nodded again, and let the fuzzy pillow fall to the floor.

“Do you… do you wanna talk about it?” Erin had never really been in the position of comforting someone before. She’d only seen it on TV, which made existing in this moment seem surreal.

“She was coming home to protect me from him. Her plane was shot down barely after takeoff, in enemy territory.” Holtz didn’t really know what this meant. She wasn’t sure who the enemy was. Whatever it meant, it sounded bad.

“Oh my god…” Erin whispered without thinking. A single thought filled her mind like a gut-punch. She’d done this. Her mother was on that plane because of Erin.

The paused TV flickered static in the silence.

“They found her today.” Holtz took in a short breath. “The plane landed. She’s okay.”

Erin actually felt a thump in her heart. “Really?” Her voice came out thick.

More tears started to form in Holtz’s eyes as she nodded. “She’s okay. She’s coming home. Alive. She’s okay.” Holtz reassured herself. Her cheeks were splotched red from crying, as was the tip of her nose.

“That’s great!” Erin’s voice came out softer than she intended. She couldn’t put together why Holtz seemed so upset. She tried to read her eyes for some kind of clue.

Holtz looked back up at Erin and paused for a half second, then put her hands on Erin’s jaw and kissed her on the lips.

She pulled away quickly after. “I’m sorry. I’m just… I can’t believe… so much is happening. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay!”

“Sorry.” Holtz didn’t seem too ashamed or sorry about it though.

“She’s okay.” Erin reminded her.

Holtz smiled and wiped at her eye with her sleeve. “She’s okay.”

Was this our first kiss? Erin wondered. No, it was just a celebratory kiss. That’s all.

Erin pulled her into a hug, cushioned by her hoodie. Holtz was shaking. Something was still wrong. As she reached to wipe the tear, her sleeve fell a little, and Erin caught a glimpse of a hospital bracelet.

Holtz was already distracted again. “Is this the X-Files?”

“Yeah.”

Holtz’s eyes stared unblinking at the frozen screen, which cast a bluish glow over her. Her chest rose and fell once. “Can we watch some?”

“Sure. Of course! Do you want the blanket? Are you cold?”

Holtz pulled the blanket over herself and shifted horizontal, snagging the fuzzy pillow to put on Erin’s lap before resting her head on it.

Erin was a little surprised. Holtz was laying in her lap. With the pillow, of course, but it was nice. It was cozy and comforting.  She put her feet up on the coffee table to better support her friend’s head, and pressed play.

It took until the middle of the next episode for Holtz to finally say what she’d been meaning to say.

“Can I tell you something?” She mumbled.

Erin turned down the volume a little. “Of course.”

“Something you can’t tell anyone.”

Erin paused, then quickly said, “OK.” She decided she’d already given away one of Holtz’s biggest secrets, she owed it to her to at least handle whatever this one was.

Holtz took in a breath. I thought my mom was dead.”

Erin rested her hand on Holtz’s upper arm and rubbed gently. “It’s scary.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without her, Erin. I don’t wanna live with Andy forever and I don’t wanna live with Gorin, and I can’t end up in foster care, it’s hard to place a gay kid in a safe home.” She swallowed. “And everyone at school treats me like shit like it’s a joke. I know it doesn’t seem much like it hurts me but it really, really does. I go to school and everyone hates me and then I go home and everyone hates me…”

Erin related to that last statement on such a level that it hurt.

“This was almost it, Erin. Tonight was almost it.” Tears rushed to Holtz’s eyes again, and she stared blankly at the TV screen.

Erin stroked her hair softly.

“My dad got custody taken away and I have to live with Gorin until my mom comes home. Gorin was on the phone for so long I thought for sure my mom died.” She started shaking, and Erin continued stroking. “I couldn’t take it. I don’t even understand what fucking… like, emotions were happening in me but I went into Gorin’s bathroom and found a bunch of pills—“

Erin felt her chest go cold as soon as she realized where Holtz was going. Her heart sped up shockingly fast and she didn’t want to hear it. But she needed to listen.

“She finally got off the phone and came in to tell me my mom was okay, and she found me with the bottle… I didn’t take any but I think I wanted to. I’m so scared that if it had been just a few minutes later, I would have.”

Erin swallowed, tasting something bitter, and moved her hand back to Holtz’s shoulder so she could squeeze, as if making sure Holtz was still there, hyperaware of each of her movements.

“I’m okay.” Holtz added. “Gorin took me to the hospital anyway. She didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t take any. I’m okay now. I didn’t want to die I just didn’t want to deal with it. Erin I know you probably think less of me now but I really needed to tell someone. I don’t have anyone. I’m sorry.”

“Holtz…” Erin had no idea how to respond. The silence was too loud and she had a million things to say, but no clue how to say a single one of them. “Why would I think any less of you?”

“Dunno.” Holtz brought her fist to her mouth, touching the knuckle of her thumb to her lips, lost in thought.

“It’s okay. I don’t. I love you. And Abby loves you.” She tried to think of names to add but couldn’t come up with anything. “Abby’s dog would love you if you met her.”

Holtz laughed a little. She sat up, leaving Erin slightly colder.

“Do you think Gorin will be looking for you?”

The blonde gave a small smile. “She dropped me off here.”

“Oh.” Erin smiled too.

Both their smiles faded slowly, and Erin tried to read what was written behind Holtz’s eyes. Even though Erin had only known her for a short time, Holtz always just seemed like some sort of life force, radiating energy onto those around her. Now was no different. A strong life force, sitting on Erin’s basement couch.

“Holtz, you know you can always talk to me—“ Erin trailed off. Holtz had gotten closer somehow, causing Erin to forget what she was saying. “People care about—“ she couldn’t finish. Those standard reassurances seemed too basic for someone like Holtz. And their faces were really close.

“Erin.” She said, stopping her.

Oh, Erin’s brain finally connected. She wants to kiss me.

Holtz brought one hand gently to Erin’s jaw. Then her confidence slipped. “Do you like me?”

“I… I think I like-like you, yeah.”

Holtz smiled, her lips practically against Erin’s. “Can I kiss you?” She asked softly.

“…Of course.”

She closed the tiny gap to kiss Erin, and the brunette concluded that Holtz was definitely a life force; like a giant 9-volt battery, but way better. Dammit, Erin really had to stop comparing this girl to licked batteries.

After about five seconds, Holtz pulled away and took a moment to look at Erin with adoration.

Nobody had ever looked at Erin like that before.

Now THAT was a first kiss.

“I like-like you too, Erin Gilbert.”

Erin had no idea what to do or say, so she just tried to match the blonde’s smile.

“Don’t worry,” She said, taking her hand gently away from Erin’s jaw. “I won’t tell anyone at school.”

Erin’s smile dropped. “H… no, Holtz—“

“It’s okay.”

“I’m not ashamed of you.” Erin was glad she finally managed to get out a strong, clear thought. “I don’t want my parents to find out, though. Anything, about me.”

“I know.” Holtz whispered reassuringly. “You worry too much.”

“Sorry.”

“You apologize too much.” Holtz grinned as she watched Erin struggle to come up with a response.

Erin noticed for the first time how they were sitting. Facing each other on the couch, one knee up one leg off, half under a blanket, in a position that really shouldn’t fit between two people. And yet it did. She didn’t want to move. She took a deep breath. “Holtz, look, um. I know you’re gonna be busy with your mom for the next few days, and things might change with your living situation and all that…”

Holtz nodded sadly.

“But my door—er, window, is always open. Seriously. Any night. Me, this couch, and the X-Files will always be here, okay? I just… I really liked this, tonight. Just being with someone and… yeah. It was nice.”

“I like kissing you too, Er.” Holtz read past all her stuttering and easily cracked the mess of thoughts open like a geode.

Erin smiled back. “We’ll d—uh, do it again sometime.” She tried her best at words, really.

Holtz cocked her head to the side. “You know you’re so beautiful when you’re like that?”

Erin was caught off guard. Nobody called her beautiful. “Like what?”

“Hm, everything.”

“Oh. Um, thank—“

“I mean, you’re painfully awkward. It’s really bad sometimes.” Holtz teased.

“Thank you, Jillian Holtzmann. I knew that.”

“But it would be wrong any other way. It wouldn’t be you.”

“How many romantic comedies have you watched?”

“Probably too many.” Holtz admitted. “Don’t act like Scully and Mulder aren’t cheesy too sometimes, though.”

“That’s fair.”

Holtz shifted, and for a second Erin was afraid she was going to get up. It was nearly 2am but she still didn’t want her to leave.

Instead, Holtz just settled in closer. “Can we watch another?”

“Of course.” Erin let out a breath, relieved.

As she pressed play, the blonde eyed the hoodie Erin was wearing. “I’m cold.” She whispered after a minute.

Erin sat up, “Oh, I can get you another blanket or a sweater—“

“Put your arms around me, stupid.”

“Oh.” Erin gladly wrapped her arms around Holtz in the oversized hoodie, with the blanket over their legs, blonde hair tickling Erin’s chin, and the TV in front of them. It was undeniably cuddling, and could easily be seen as more-than-friends cuddling.

At least, that’s how Erin’s parents saw it when they found them the next morning.

~//~

Chapter Text

The sounds of the airport faded.

Everything was warmth and tears. Mostly the good kind.

For a few seconds, everything was perfect.

Holtz was safe.

In her mother’s arms like this is exactly where she belonged, where she’d wanted to be ever since she said goodbye in the same place eight months ago, and where she wanted to be for the rest of her life.

Her mother was crying though, just a little bit, and that worried her. Holtz was just glad she was back in one piece. With slightly darker blonde hair pulled back and slightly tanner skin, she still had a few inches of height on her daughter. She told Holtz she probably just wasn’t done growing yet, but truthfully Holtz was likely destined to remain short like the other women of the family.

“My baby.” Mrs. Holtzmann, although remarried to Mr. Corson, kept her last name for the job, and because Holtz was keeping it too.

Gorin stayed about ten feet behind them, smiling weakly, touched by the reunion but knowing there was a lot of pain ahead of them in the form of legal battles and such. Plus she’d had to pick up Holtz from the sidewalk in front of Erin’s house this morning while Erin watched from the window, her face streaked in tears. Holtz hadn’t fully explained what happened, but Gorin made her promise that Erin was safe and that nobody was going to hurt her.

Erin had sworn up and down that her parents had never laid a hand on her before, but with the yelling and humiliating they did this morning, Holtz personally would rather be hit and get it over with.

~Earlier~

“Excuse me!”

Erin jolted awake and her heart immediately started racing. A natural response to that tone she was so familiar with.

“You answer her when she’s talking to you!” Her father shouted, gesturing to her mother, who said,

“I asked, who the hell is this!?”

A blur of blonde moved next to Erin, and Holtz lifted her head out of Erin’s shoulder, looking scared also. Erin tried to get her brain up and running fast enough to process what everyone wanted from her and why they were being so loud. It registered quickly enough that she was cuddling with Holtz under the blanket, and morning light was shining in through the basement window while her father stood near the stairs, and her mother a few feet away.

Shit! They had fallen asleep like this! She quickly pulled away from Holtz. “Uh, this is my friend.” Erin forced herself to think quickly, adrenaline flooding everything. “I told you I was having someone sleep over? Last night? We talked about this, remember?”

Her mother huffed. “I don’t remember.”

“We did.” Erin insisted weakly. “Maybe you didn’t hear me.”

Holtz was already pulling away, putting her shoes on, and looking for the most appropriate exit. Erin’s dad blocked the stairs.

“We would never let you have a sleepover on a schoolnight.” Her mother pointed out.

“Yeah, but we talked about this. I told you she didn’t have a place to stay last night.”

“How come we’ve never met her before?” They were completely ignoring the fact that Holtz was a person who could also answer questions and comprehend that they were talking about her.

“I’ve mentioned her. At dinner.” Erin tried to cover.

Holtz tried to slip past her dad up the stairs.

“Hold on, is this the gay one?”

“What?” Erin asked.

“You told us you made friends with a gay girl. Your only other friend is Abby, so is this the gay one?” He pointed to Holtz, who was directly next to him, frozen. She shot Erin a hurt look.

Erin could hear her heart in her ears, and felt tears coming to her eyes. “You said you have nothing against gay people! What does it matter!?”

“It matters that she was under the same blanket with my daughter, fucking sleeping on her! What else did you do!?”

“Todd— “ Erin’s mom shot him a warning.

Holtz ducked away like she was going to be hit. That broke Erin completely.

“Nothing happened! She’s not attracted to me or anything, she has a girlfriend! Why can’t you believe that we’re friends!?” Erin was shocked by how fast the lies came flying out of her own mouth.  “If it were Abby you wouldn’t care!”

“If it were Abby what? Sleeping with her arms around you?”

“Abby’s done that!” Granted, Abby did that while asleep, calling Erin her ‘big skinny teddy’.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be having sleepovers then.” Erin’s mom said sternly. Definitively. Erin knew that tone of finalization, and it wasn’t a suggestion.

“I swear, we didn’t do anything, don’t hurt her—“ Holtz started.

“How dare you insinuate that I hurt my child! Now get out of my house, this doesn’t concern you.” Erin’s father said, practically spitting down on her.

Holtz met Erin’s eyes for a brief second, both of them terrified, before scrambling up the stairs to try and find the front door on her own. She heard the shouting continue as she made her way to the kitchen phone to call Gorin . The only thing she could make out was Erin’s accusing tone yelling the word “homophobic”.

A minute later, Holtz was shivering out on the sidewalk in the chilly morning air, the ground wet from dew and her breath creating a small fog as she sniffled back tears. Daylight was just starting to break, casting everything in a blue tint. Still at least an hour before the school bus would come.

It didn’t matter, Holtz already knew that both she and Gorin were taking the day off to get her mom from the airport, but now she worried that Erin might not be going to school either.

This was her fault, wasn’t it? She’d asked –no, told—Erin to put her arms around her. She was the one who said ‘can I kiss you’ and made the first move. She was ‘the gay one’. Always, it seemed like. It wasn’t fair. Did Erin’s parents think of Abby as ‘the straight one’? Probably not. Why does Holtz always have to be defined by that? Maybe she should force herself to stop being gay for a while. Or at least oppress it. For a few years. Being herself just caused too much trouble.

She was already in tears, but this thought caused her to be the whimpering, teary mess that Gorin picked up five minutes later.

She didn’t say what happened, but Gorin made her swear that Erin was safe. Holtz was still pretty sure Gorin secretly sent a cop car to swing by Erin’s place anyway.

Good.

~present~

“My baby. I’m so sorry.” Holtz’s mom wiped at a tear, holding Holtz by the shoulders at arms-length to look her over. She stroked her cheek and kissed her head again, before seeming to notice the splint and tape around Holtz’s fingers, and wiped at her eyes again with the back of her wrist.

It was a little jarring to see her mother crying, especially since Holtz always mentally saw her as this big strong soldier beating up the bad guys.

Holtz swallowed and looked back up at her.

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know, I’m so sorry. I should have seen it. I should have known before anything ever happened to you.”

Holtz felt she had to say something, and searched for words. “It’s okay, Mom. He’s really not bad.”

Her mother bit back more tears and hugged her again.

“Car’s waiting.” Gorin said gently, noticing a few other people staring at them. She put a hand on Holtz’s mom’s shoulder and led them to the parking garage.

Holtz’s mom sat in the backseat with her for the entire hour-and-a-half drive, holding her hand the whole way. After wiping away her tears, she told them about her work overseas, mostly in tech, and the story of how her plane was mistakenly shot at but managed to land outside of their camp and they had to be brought back to the US embassy before catching another plane. Nobody was hurt badly, but everyone was scratched up and bruised.

Her eyes kept drifting to Holtz’s other hand, the broken one. She looked like she wanted to ask about it, but refrained. She looked unbearably sad at times.

When they got back to Gorin’s house, Gorin went out for groceries, which was more likely an excuse to give the girls some alone time. The plan was to meet up with Andy in the evening to gather some of their belongings from his house, and hopefully have some kind of talk with him, then spend the night safe at Gorin’s.

Holtz didn’t quite understand this. She didn’t see why it wasn’t ‘safe’ at her own house. Or, the house they were now referring to as ‘Andy’s place’.

She didn’t want them to break up. She wanted everything back to normal. Ideally, she wanted her mom to live with them and for Andy to maybe chill out a little, but normal was okay too. But living at Gorin’s? Moving away from Andy, and her home? She didn’t want this at all.

She told her mother this, and surprisingly, with Gorin gone, her mother seemed to hesitantly agree.

“I’m gonna do my best, baby.” They lay on their backs on Gorin’s guest bed, their weight stressing the tightly-made comforter. The suitcase stood upright at the end of the bed. She had her arm around her daughter, the other resting over her own stomach. “But I can’t ignore the fact that he did this.” She lightly held Holtz’s healing fingers. “He slammed them in a door!?”

Holtz looked away.

“I’m sorry, hey. I know you don’t want things to change. But this isn’t okay. It’s never okay for anybody to hurt you, alright? Got it?”

“Got it.” Holtz muttered.

There was silence for a moment, before she said very softly, “What else did he do?”

“Mom…”

“You can tell me.”

“Nothing.”

“Even Rebecca knows this isn’t the first time he’s hurt you. What else does he do? Does he hit you?”

“Mom! It’s not like that. It’s not like it happens every day. He just gets frustrated sometimes. It’s called discipline.” She’d heard him say those last three words countless times.

Her mom seemed to pick up on that. “Discipline is sending you to your room. Nobody should ever lay a hand on you in any way you don’t want, understand?”

“I know.”

“Please talk to me. I almost lost you. You flinched when I touched your back earlier. Did he do something to your back?”

“It’s sunburn.”

“Let me see.”

Holtz was giving up. They had almost lost each other. Far too close for comfort. She rolled over onto her stomach and pulled up the back of her shirt.

Her mother made no sound as she examined the same wedge-shaped bruises Erin had looked at just a few days ago. They were turning more greenish-yellow now, but the brown of the scabs still remained.

“What happened.” She whispered.

“He hit me with a pizza box.”

Her mother put her shirt back down, looking slightly sick as Holtz rolled back over, putting her cheek on her shoulder.

“What else happened?” She asked.

“I kissed a girl last night.” Holtz blurted.

Her mother raised her eyebrows. “Last night?”

“Yeah.”

“Your first kiss?”

“Yeah.”

“You like her? Is she cute?”

Holtz couldn’t hold back the smile if she tried. “Yes and yes.” Though it was a tainted victory, with the memory of how she left Erin this morning.

“What’s her name?”

“Erin.”

“Anyone giving you a hard time about it?”

Holtz didn’t have an immediate answer. “Her parents aren’t too thrilled.” She admitted. “They don’t even really know. The kids at school don’t know about our kiss, of course, but they don’t like me for being gay.” For some reason she didn’t like using the word gay in front of her mom.

“What about Andy? He give you a hard time?”

“No.”

“Good.”

Holtz had never talked about being gay with her mom before. She’d technically come out to her once, over the phone. Even though her mom was acting like it was totally normal right now, Holtz was surprised that she herself was uncomfortable with the topic. She needed affirmation.

“Is that okay, Mom?”

“Is what okay, baby?”

“Is it okay… that I’m gay?”

Her mother took in a breath, hesitating. “Sweetie... I’m your mother, and I love you no matter what, okay? I can imagine there are a lot of people telling you it’s not okay, but you’ll never ever have to hear that at home, okay? You’re completely safe with me, and I’m your mother so you’re stuck with me. I love you. I love you love you love you. No matter what.” She pulled Holtz closer and kissed the blonde curls on her forehead.

Holtz smiled weakly. Despite the overwhelming love she felt from her mother, her mind was on Erin, and how she didn’t get to experience this kind of love.

It wasn’t fair. Erin should have this, too. Erin deserved to be told she was loved. Holtz was beginning to doubt the brunette had ever heard ‘I love you’ from her parents.

“Did you think I would say anything different?” Holtz’s mom brought her back into the moment by tapping her nose playfully.

Holtz smiled again. “No.”

“And you know that even when I’m not around, you have a safe place here with Rebecca, right?”

“Is she okay with gay people?”

Holtz’s mom laughed. “Yeah. You could say that.”

Holtz’s eyes widened as she put the pieces together for the first time. Duh. Gorin wasn’t married, never had been. Never mentioned a boyfriend or past husband. Lived alone with a dog, dressed for comfort rather than attractiveness, and kept her fingernails short. Holtz couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen this before.

“Um, Mom?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Do you think Dad would have been okay with me being gay?”

She let the silence hang in the air for a brief moment. “I know he would have. You don’t remember this, but he strongly supported gay rights the entire time I knew him. He was actually sort of an activist in college. And even if he hated gays, he loved you so much that he would have changed his mind to support you. I’m sure of it.”

Holtz was floored. The fact that her real father was a gay rights advocate, activist even, completely washed over any surprise she still had about Gorin.

“Really?” She was actually in tears.

Her mom went quiet. “Well, it… yes. Yes, really.” She sounded like she was stopping herself from saying something.

Holtz was almost too happy to notice. But she did notice, and she tucked it away instead of asking.

They were quiet for a few more minutes, just each thinking their own thoughts.

“Jilly?”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to get your hopes up, but I wouldn’t be telling you if I wasn’t very seriously considering… I think I’m going to leave the Army.”

Holtz sat up onto her elbow. “Really?”

“How would you feel about that?”

“I love it! Please, don’t go back!”

“No promises, okay? But I’ve done my time. I think people need me here more than they do there.”

“I need you here.”

“I know. And I need you.” She kissed her head again.

~//~

Chapter Text

That evening, Gorin drove the two of them to ‘Andy’s house’, which Holtz still considered home. The intent was for Holtz to pack a few bags while her mother and Andy talked. Holtz was torn between packing quickly and sneaking down the hall to eavesdrop, or packing slowly and playing some music so she didn’t have to hear anything they said.

It felt weird ringing the doorbell at her own house.

Andy let them in, greeting her mother with a quick kiss on the cheek, which she froze for and made no move to reciprocate, and greeted Holtz with a hug, which Holtz gladly returned. “Hey, I missed you kiddo, how’ve you been?”

“Good.”

“Jane. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“I’m glad I made it home.” She said vaguely. “Jill, go pack a few bags. We’ll be in the kitchen having a talk, okay baby?”

Holtz nodded and slipped away to her bedroom. She settled for playing loud music and drowning them out.

She gathered her pillow and an old, raggedy stuffed moose her father had given her onto the bed, adding a pile of clothes, and some of her favorite CDs and books. She looked around, not sure how long she was supposed to be packing for. A day? Three days? When can she just sleep in her own room again?

As she picked up her pillow, something fell out of the pillowcase. A purple slap bracelet. Holtz turned it over in her hands, looking over the phone number Erin had written on the back.

She picked up the phone and dialed it. If anybody had hurt Erin she was gonna be so pissed.

“Hello?” A woman’s voice answered with no emotion whatsoever, as if she were the actual default voice of the answering machine.

Holtz realized she would never give the phone to Erin if she said who she was. She changed her voice and thought quickly. “Hi, Mrs. Gilbert. This is one of Erin’s classmates from English? I know we haven’t met before, but I was hoping to ask Erin a question about the English homework?”

Mrs. Gilbert seemed to think it over for a moment.

“Hi, Nadia.”

“Erin?”

“Sorry Mom, I answered at the same time as you, I thought you knew I was on the line. I’ve got it.” Erin said.

“Oh.” Mrs. Gilbert seemed to buy it, and hung up.

“Erin?”

“One sec.” There was movement on her end. “Just checking she actually hung up. Okay, I’m good. Holtz?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“I called to ask you that. What happened after I left? I was so scared they were gonna kill you or something.”

Erin sighed. “I’m okay. They’re not gonna kill me. I’m technically grounded, but I think they bought the story that it was a sleepover.”

“Did they hurt you?”

“No, Holtz. My parents don’t do that.”

Holtz thought this over. “Are you sure? They really looked like they were going to.”

“They don’t do that.” She insisted.

“Did you go to school?”

“Yeah. Did you meet up with your mom?”

“Yeah! I’m with her now, sorta.”

“Where are you?”

“I guess we’re staying at Gorin’s, but I’m home right now to pack a few bags. And my mom’s having a talk with Andy.”

“Oh. Holtz, look um, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry that I told Gorin, I didn’t think it would change your whole life.” Erin sounded like she was going to cry.

“It’s okay. Really Erin, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

Erin sniffled. “Okay.” She didn’t believe Holtz, of course. “Um, when will I see you again?”

“I’m coming back to school tomorrow, I think.”

“Really! Oh, good. The sub for Bio was completely incompetent. Ben drew a penis on the whiteboard and he didn’t even notice.”

Holtz laughed. “Aw, I missed it! Me and Gorin will both be back tomorrow. I’ll see you tomorrow. Um, by the way Erin, was …that okay, last night? Was it okay” she lowered her voice, “that I kissed you? Did I make you uncomfortable or anything?”

“No! I mean, yes it was okay! It was great! I mean… I liked it. Did you?”

Holtz smiled wide. “Yeah. Very much.”

“Good. As long as nobody finds out. Not because I’m embarrassed but, you saw the repercussions this morning, uh.”

“Yeah, I know. I told my mom that I kissed you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, if she won’t tell anyone. And she’s okay with it. Look, can we talk more tomorrow? I’m so scared my parents will pick up the line.”

“Yeah of course! I’ll see you then.”

“See you then.”

Holtz listened for the click on Erin’s end and smiled. Erin was okay. Nobody had hurt her.

Well, not in the way people hurt Holtz. Erin did get hurt, but in a way Holtz has yet to understand.

Feeling a little better, Holtz picked up her two bags and headed down the hallway toward the kitchen.

“…I may have gone overboard once, but do you know what happens to kids who aren’t disciplined? They never mature! They…”

Holtz could hear Andy’s voice from down the hall. She wasn’t going to stand behind the corner and listen like some little kid. She walked right out into the kitchen and stood behind where her mother was sitting. “I’m ready.” She declared.

“Go put your stuff in the car, sweetie.” Her mother said. “I’ll be right there, and we’ll go for ice cream or something, okay?”

“See, you’re coddling her! It’s taking her backwards. Jillian, you’re plenty mature, right?”

Holtz was confused. “Is this about the ice cream?”

“Don’t answer him, just go to the car.”

“Have I been a good parent to you?” He persisted.

“Yes.” Holtz said.

“See?”

“She doesn’t know.” Her mother said.

“What don’t I know?” Holtz defended.

“You don’t know that physical aggression is not a form of discipline, it’s abuse!”

“Physical aggression!? Name me one parent who doesn’t give their kid a little thump or a spank when they’ve misbehaved.” Andy demanded. “My father did, didn’t yours, Jane?”

“Her fingers are broken and there are bruises all down her back. That’s not a ‘little thump’”

Holtz wasn’t sure if she should still stay or not. Her heart was racing. She wanted to defend Andy but she also believed her mother knew everything and was always right.

“Look,” Andy brought it down a notch. He seemed genuine. “I’m working very hard on getting my anger and my drinking under control. The first step to recovery is admitting I have a problem, right? But I think I deserve a second chance. I know you have your duty but you can’t deny I’ve been a bigger part of her life these past two years than you have. Did you know she started getting her period?”

Holtz’s mom spun to her and Holtz blushed bright red. She’s fifteen, of course she’s gotten it. Why would her mother be surprised? But it really did highlight Andy’s point.

She turned back to Andy. “I appreciate that you’re willing to change, but the issue is that you were ever violent to begin with! I don’t care if you were her biological parent and I were her step-parent, it’s not right, and I would do everything in my power to remove her from the situation!”

“Do I get a say?” Holtz cut in.

“No.” Her mother said firmly.

Tears of frustration sprung to her eyes. She curled her fists around the handles of her bag. “Why? Because I don’t know? Because I’m not mature?”

“Because we’re worried about your declining mental health.” Andy said.

“What?”

Her mother looked equally frustrated for a moment, and appeared to take a moment to suppress her immediate response. “That’s not true, he’s just saying things. Jillian, we will talk about this later, okay?”

“You talk about seeing ghosts! You’re not exactly a reliable witness here.” Andy said.

Holtz had a flash memory of him kneeling on her chest, nearly breaking her ribs. Her mother didn’t know about that, among many other things.

“Jillian, this is not the last conversation we’ll have, and you will absolutely get a say. But this conversation is just between me and him, okay?”

It felt like a punch. It felt worse than a punch, it felt like she was being dismissed. Like she’s just a kid who knows nothing.

“What does that have to do with seeing ghosts!? You think I’m lying about that? Because I’m not!”

Andy looked at Jane. “This is why you can’t take her away from me; she needs a solid father figure or else she keeps turning back to him.”

“What, my real dad?” Holtz stepped forward. “And what exactly is wrong with looking up to him? He was a gay rights activist, and you still use the word ‘faggot’! He was a better dad than you’ll ever be!”

Andy scoffed. “Yeah, all that activism stuff got him real familiar with the police. At least I know when to keep my trap shut.”

“I don’t think you do.” Holtz’s mom said through gritted teeth, warning him to stop.

“Wait, really?” Holtz paused. “The police knew him?” She looked at her mom.

She looked like she’d rather be anywhere else. “He was arrested at a few protests, yes. But that has nothing to do with what happened.” She reassured, though not convincing enough for Holtz. “And we’re not talking about this right now.”

“Did they know him? The ones that shot him, did they know him beforehand?” Holtz tried to keep the tears down. She’d always assumed that the cops who shot her dad did it because they thought he was a threat and didn’t know that he wasn’t dangerous.

“Now isn’t it better to call someone a ‘faggot’ than to get on the law enforcement’s bad side?” Andy asked, though not in a taunting way, since it was clearly a sensitive topic.

“We’re done talking about this right now.” Jane said.

“No I’m not! Was he killed at a protest!?”

“It had nothing to do with protesting. Sweetie, you know he was sick.”

“Stop saying ‘sick’ like he was diseased or something.”

“Mentally ill.” Andy offered. “Sick in the head.”

“Do I have what Dad had?” Holtz said.

That was met with silence.

Her mother reached for her hand. “Jill, come here. What would make you say that?”

She took her mother’s hand. “He calls me a psycho.” She nodded to Andy.

“She sees ghosts!”

“Me and my friends all saw the same thing! I’m not making it up!”

“Look at me, Jillian.” Her mother ignored Andy. “Look at me. You’re not schizophrenic. You’re not a ‘psycho’. I promise you.”

“But Dad didn’t get it until he was older.” Holtz started crying. “Am I gonna get it when I grow up?”

Her mother stood to hug her. “No, baby. You’re not, I promise.”

It didn’t take one ounce of fear out of Holtz. She couldn’t promise that. What if she really was a ‘psycho’? It’s not like Andy was the first to say that. That’s what the newspaper had called her dad. An article somewhere on the last page, not even worthy of the front section. “Psychotic man attacking police car apprehended.”

‘Apprehended’. Meaning shot 8 times. Killed.

Was Andy right? Is she gonna end up just like him?

Holtz twisted free from her mother’s arms and ran out the front door towards the abandoned house.

No, they’d know to look for her there. And they’d know to look for her at Erin’s. She curved a sharp right and headed for the treeline behind the house, barely able to make out the shape of the old barn in a small clearing just past the trees.

She didn’t hear her mother or Andy come out after her, but she hadn’t looked back, so that doesn’t mean they weren’t looking for her. She reached the trees and slowed to a jog, stopping to catch her breath as she looked up at the dark, rotting two-story barn. She’d only ventured this far once before, and even then she’d only gone a few steps into the barn.

The tall, intimidating but dilapidated double doors were chained together with a padlock, but the bottom of one door was wedged outward, creating a triangular opening for anyone small enough to crawl through. Like Holtz. And not an adult.

She only gave a moment’s hesitation realizing she didn’t have a flashlight with her. But she felt tears coming to her eyes so fast remembering everything Andy said about her dad, that she didn’t even care. She just needed to get into some nice dark corner alone before the tears could start to blur her vision. Then she could cry as much as she wanted.

She squeezed through, the uneven edge of the door scraping her side. She felt like someone might grab her foot until she was fully in the barn.

She’d always thought of this place as scary, but now that she was inside, it felt safe.

For about two seconds.

CLUNK

Holtz kicked her legs out and shoved herself into the nearest corner, trying to force her eyes to adjust quickly. The sound had come from the second floor.

“Hey! Who’s there!” A bold but familiar voice shouted.

Between the fear and the running, and now the relief, Holtz had finally managed to catch her breath enough to say, “Patty?”

~//~

Chapter Text

Holtz heard somebody stumble over something.

“Who’s there!” Patty shouted.

Holtz pulled herself out from the corner a little bit, but not enough to be seen. “It’s me, from before.”

“Yeah that’s real helpful.”

“Jillian. We explored that abandoned house together? And you swore you’d never go back? And now you’re in the barn behind the house? …Remember?”

Patty started to descend the ladder from the loft. “I like architecture! And it’s daytime now, I figured the ghosts and freaks like you only come out in the dark.”

“Thank you.” Holtz took the compliment.

“What are you doing here?” Patty stood in the middle of the floor, looking around but still couldn’t see Holtz.

“I live next door.” Holtz said from her corner, directing Patty’s attention.

Patty squinted and started to walk toward the corner, but Holtz got up and stepped out onto the floor as well.

“Oh.”

“And I like to hang out here.” Holtz said, which was a total lie. She sat down on a stack of old tires.

“You came in here like you were running from something.”

“Aren’t we all?” Holtz said with an intentionally cheesy wise-beyond-her-years voice, then shot a grin.

“You come in here a lot?”

Holtz realized she had to stick to her lie. “Yes.”

“So what’s in that big box upstairs?”

“Um… annnnother box?” Holtz stretched out, totally guessing.

“Really?”

“Oh, you don’t know? I thought you were quizzing me.”

“No, I didn’t open it.”

“Uh, me either. Probably something old. Y’know.” Holtz gestured around them. Everything was falling apart and covered in dust.

“Well it’s got a shipping label from last week.”

Holtz sat up. “What?”

They both froze as a branch just outside snapped. The door was still pulled open in that corner, and anything doberman-sized or smaller could easily get in.

A shadow covered the slit of light coming in through the door.

Patty dove into the shadows but Holtz was frozen in fear, out in the open as something crawled in.

It crawled through the opening and stood up.

“Hey!” Holtz jumped up upon seeing Erin, who was equally startled.

“What the hell!? Holtz?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh god. You scared me.” Erin walked in further as her eyes adjusted to the dark. Holtz hugged her mainly in relief, but Erin hugged back tightly, with a lot more emotion, and didn’t let go.

“Are y’all okay?” Patty stepped out.

“Jesus!” Erin jumped again, but this time Holtz was holding her.

“It’s okay, it’s just Patty from before, remember?”

“Oh. Um, what are you doing here?” Erin asked Patty.

“Alright listen, two minutes ago I was in here alone taking pictures of the damn architecture, now you’re both in here hugging and hiding and asking me what I’m doing here.”

“She was here first.” Holtz said softly.

“You first.” Patty assumed command, and pointed to Erin. “What are you doing here, and why are you two still holding each other.”

They reluctantly separated.

“Um,” Erin turned to Holtz. “Just trying to get out of the house for a little while. My parents sort of confronted me and asked if I was um,” She tried to be as vague as possible since Patty was right there listening. “you know. And I didn’t exactly answer them. I kind of wanted to tell them, but I didn’t. I didn’t say anything. And they went into the study to ‘talk’ and locked the door so I left.”

“Okay, ran away from home I guess.” Patty concluded. “You?” She pointed to Holtz.

Holtz naturally wanted to make a joke but didn’t want to belittle the fact that Erin just said something serious, so she told the truth. “My mom and Andy uh, had a talk. And I got involved. And they brought up, I guess some things I wasn’t supposed to know. And they treat me like I’m too young to handle anything. So I left.”

“Jesus, you ran away from home too?”

“Where are your parents, Patty?” Erin shot, kinda frustrated because there were a million things she wanted to tell Holtz but couldn’t with Patty there.

“My Mom is at work and my Dad drove me here on the way to get groceries, so I could take pictures. He’ll be back in an hour.”

“Great.” Erin mumbled. After all the stress she’d been through, the decision to actually leave her house this time instead of just dreaming of it, getting up the courage to enter an abandoned barn, and by chance finding Holtz there, and she couldn’t even be alone with her. 

Holtz, however, had a slightly clearer state of mind and saw how Erin’s words might be hurting Patty, so she tried to accommodate them both. “Uh, Patty. Can I call you Pats? Or Pat? For short”

“Patty is already short for something, thanks.”

“Can I call you Patricia?”

“Well it sounds dumb when you say it.”

“Okay, Pats. You can call me Holtz, by the way. Not Jillian.”

“Alright, are neither of you worried about the giant box I said I found upstairs? With a delivery date from last week?” Patty took a step back and shrugged at them.

“What box?” Erin finally looked up. “Someone was in here?” She looked around, and the they all wondered how someone could have gotten in.

“Lemme show you. Up in the hay loft.” Patty pointed up the ladder and began climbing.

The wooden ladder was really only stable enough for one of them at a time, so by the time Holtz got to the top, Erin was too nervous to even make it to the second rung.

“Come on, Er. Er bear.”

“Can you cut it with the nicknames?” Patty asked quietly.

“My little… pumpkin… spicy head.” Holtz said.

“What?” Erin called up.

“I’m trying to say something provocative enough so you’ll have to come up here and smack me.” Holtz admitted. “Look, the ladder’s totally safe, I promise.”

Erin thought about the argument with her parents again, and decided she didn’t care if she fell. She climbed the ladder quickly as tears welled up in her eyes. She reached the top and Holtz gripped her forearms for stability.

“Over here.” Patty crouch-walked away to avoid the low slanted ceiling, and Holtz held onto Erin for another moment.

“You okay?” She asked quietly.

“No.” Erin sniffled. “A little better that you’re here, I guess.”

“Cool.” Holtz gave a reassuring smile, then a glance to make sure Patty wasn’t looking, then left a quick, shy kiss on Erin’s cheek.

Erin smiled a little, following Holtz to the corner where Patty crouched next to a long, wooden crate.

It had packaging and shipping stickers all over it, definitely modern, and definitely looked big enough to be storing a human body.

“Did you open it?” Holtz asked.

“’Course not!”

“Oh my god, please don’t open it.” Erin begged. “I have a really bad feeling.”

Holtz pushed lightly on the lid, expecting it to be sealed anyway. It wasn’t. It lifted away from the rest of the crate for a moment.

“Holtz, stop!” Erin cried.

“What? Don’t you wanna know?”

“What if it’s a person?”

“Maybe they’re still alive.”

“Not after a week.” Patty said.

“If it were a person, they’d stink by now. They’d be all decaying and—“ Holtz stopped when Erin audibly gagged. “Sorry.”

Erin smacked her arm lightly.

Holtz couldn’t help but stare intently at the box. She needed to know what was inside.

“I’ve seen enough.” Patty said, starting to waddle away.

Before she lost her courage, Holtz reached over and quickly pushed the lid up.

Erin let out a little scream before anything even happened.

But Holtz was staring into the box at her new prize. “Whoa.” She whispered.

Patty crouch-walked back over, but Erin stayed back.

“Holy shit.” Patty agreed. “Let’s go.”

“No, wait.” Holtz giggled, reaching in and picking up a large blue glass bottle of vodka. “Let’s have some.” She joked. “Nah, I’m kidding.”

Erin relax a little, seeing what it was. The box was filled with all different kinds of colorful liquor with labels in various foreign languages, wrapped carefully in hay.

Holtz started to put it back.

“Wait,” Erin stopped her. “Can we?”

“Can we what, drink this?” Patty asked. “Absolutely not.”

“Well I wasn’t asking you, Patty. I was referring to the two of us who are currently living one of the worst days of our lives.”

Holtz looked unsure. “Erin, look, if you really wanna get drunk or something, we can have a beer in my basement sometime, but we don’t know where this came from.”

“And we don’t know if you’re gonna end up in foster care soon, and we don’t know if my parents are gonna move me away again or kick me out of the house! Do whatever you want, Holtz. But give me the bottle.”

After a moment of silence, Patty cut in, “Wow, I did not expect that from nerd girl over here.”

“Just a sip.” Erin said. “Nobody’s gonna find us in here, and whoever’s this is isn’t gonna be coming for it in the pouring rain. We’re safe right now. I don’t know when we’re gonna get this again.”

 “Okay,” Patty said, “y’all acting like it’s the end of the world…”

But Holtz looked back at the bottle again. She reluctantly handed it to Erin. “A sip.” She told her.

Erin broke the seal on the cap and lifted the whole bottle to her lips, hesitating and cringing at the smell. Before she could change her mind, she sucked down one big gulp.

“Shit.” Patty muttered.

Erin set the bottle heavily back on the floor and wiped her mouth, coughing and sputtering at the taste. “You want some?” She choked out, holding the bottle toward Holtz.

“Uh, no, she’s the smart one.” Patty said.

Holtz took the bottle and did the same thing as Erin.

“Double shit.” Patty muttered, realizing she was now responsible if anything happened to them.

Erin watched Holtz sputter and spit, before looking back up with a grin. She gave a little shiver as she started to feel it hit her bloodstream pretty quickly, and reached out to Holtz for the bottle again.

“Really? More?” Holtz found her voice again.

“I don’t care.” Erin said. “Who knows when we’re gonna be allowed to be together again?”

Patty shook her head. “Jesus, and I thought my cousin was angsty…”

Erin turned on her. “You think we’re just being angsty for the heck of it? Look at her hand! Her step-dad broke her fingers, on purpose, he sold her pain medication, and he beats her too.”

“Erin!” Holtz shot, “That’s not true!”

“Yes it is! Who are you even lying to anymore? And my parents wouldn’t even care if I fell off this edge to my death right now.” Erin looked over the edge of the loft. “They’d probably be happy. They might not even notice I’m gone.”

“Okay—stop that.” Patty and Holtz each grabbed one of Erin’s arms and pulled her to the opposite wall, away from the edge of the loft.

“I’m not going to fall, it was just an example!”

“All right. Look. I get it. Your lives suck. More than normal. But if you start drinking to solve your problems it’s only gonna get worse.” Patty said.

“I’m not trying to solve anything.” Erin said, the fight leaving her voice. She slumped back against the wall. “I just wanna spend some time with my girlfriend.”

Holtz absorbed this. “Girlfriend?” She smiled.

“Man, I knew you two was a couple.” Patty said.

Erin took the bottle again.

~//~

“Honestly, Andy. What the hell goes on in your head that makes you think it’s okay to say that to her?” Jane stood behind the kitchen chair, opposite him.

“I dunno.”

She was still pissed. “That alone, talking about her dead father like it’s a joke, that’s hurtful to a child. Abusive, even.”

“Bullshit! Kid has a thick skin, she’s fine!”

“And that tells me that you’re probably like this to her all the time! What happened, Andy? You were so good to us for years. You were a great husband, and step-father. What happened to that guy?”

“You left, Jane! It’s not exactly easy raising an adolescent girl basically as a single father. I thought we were gonna be a family, I didn’t know you’d start working overseas!”

Jane sat down across from him. “Do you fucking hear yourself? When Jack died and I became a single parent, that didn’t cause me to become an alcoholic and start hurting Jillian! Forget the fact that I’m home three months out of the year, and I call every day I can, and I am contractually obligated to go wherever the Army needs me. Frankly, I’m scared to think what you might do to her if something did happen to me.”

“Well she’s definitely making it sound worse than it is.”

“She’s not making it sound like anything. I’m going off of what Rebecca has told me, and what I’ve seen myself.”

“That’s subjective.”

“I’m done talking about this right now. Do you know where she might’ve gone?”

“Probably the house next door.”

Someone knocked on the frame of the screen door, loud enough to be heard over the rain. “You guys coming?” Gorin called.

Jane shoved her chair back and brushed quickly past him to the door. “Take my raincoat. Jillian ran out, we’re going to look for her.”

“You want my help?” Andy called.

“No! If she comes back while we’re gone, tell her to wait in her bedroom for me, other than that don’t speak to her and don’t fucking touch her. Understand?”

“Jesus Christ…” Andy rolled his eyes. “I lived with the kid for years, and all of a sudden I can’t be trusted to even be around her?” But he didn’t say it loud enough for Jane to hear.

The screen door slammed shut and Jane and Rebecca took off across the lawn toward the abandoned house.

Andy got up and grabbed his jacket.

~//~

“You’ve really never been to the Asian?” Erin giggled as she sat back against the wall.

“The what!?” Holtz asked.

“I meant, um…” Erin trailed off.

Holtz snapped her fingers in front of Erin’s face.

“Ocean. I meant the ocean. You’ve never been to … seen the ocean before?”

Patty pulled the bottle out of their reach so Erin couldn’t snatch it again. The two girls had barely drank down past the neck of the bottle, but with pure vodka it was more than enough.

“Nope. Never been to the ocean. We don’t really… go on vacations.”

Patty shook her head. “If y’all need to puke, face each other, not me!”

Erin pointed a finger at Patty. “THAT’S disgusting.”

“Y’all are disgusting.” Patty gave back absently, looking down at the bottle.

“I feel really good.” Holtz said. “Warm.”

“I wanna kiss you again.” Erin said.

“You do?” Holtz smiled.

“Mhmm. That was really nice. You smell good.”

“You two WILL NOT start making out in front of me, understand?” Patty sniffed the open bottle, considering.

“We didn’t make out.” Holtz said. She grinned softly at Erin. “We kissed. It was a nice little…”

“Peck.” Patty said.

“More than a peck.”

“A smooch?” Erin said, which made Holtz start laughing.

“It was like a delicate…” Holtz recalled fondly.

“We touched mouths.” Erin declared.

“Jesus, you two.” Patty mumbled, turning away slightly and risking a small sip of the vodka. She immediately started choking and spit it out. “Blch! Is it hospital flavored!?”

“No Patty, it’s vodka.” Erin sounded a little loopy.

“Y’all had this shit before?”

“No.” Erin admitted.

“Yeah.” Holtz said. “Last time I broke my arm. Dad said it was medicine. But I knew what it was.” She punctuated this with a loud burp.

Erin sobered up a little. “Wait, Andy’s done this before? Sold your pills?”

Holtz shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah. He didn’t break my arm though.”

Erin frowned, trying to focus on the blonde’s face. “Swear?”

“Yeah. I stood on top the monkey bars at school and fell off. He wasn’t even there.”

“Whoa. You can stand on top the monkey bars!?” Erin leaned in, fascinated.

“No dumbass, she fell.” Patty interjected. “I heard about that.”

“What? How?” Holtz asked.

“In the newspaper article about the old C-Wing burning down last year. They mentioned you’ve done crazy stunts for attention before.”

“It wasn’t for attention.” Holtz defended. “That was like, seventh grade anyway. I was friends with a bunch of boys, and they were doing this thing where, if you could stand on top the monkey bars, it proves you’re not gay. One of the popular girls called me a “lesbo” that day, so I did it. And I fell.” Holtz gave a crooked smile and a shrug. “Guess I’m gay.” She said through a laugh.

Patty laughed. “That’s dumb. Y’all are dumb.”

“It was seventh grade.” Holtz defended again.

“So could any of the boys do it?” Erin asked.

“Dunno. They made me go first. And last, since they blocked off the monkey bars after that.”

“Few more years and you’re gonna have every part of that school shut down.” Patty mused.

“Good.” Erin scoffed. “Fuck that place. And fuck Andy.”

“No, stop. C’mon.” Holtz said.

“What!? He still stole your pills, didn’t he?”

“Hey, at least he sells them to get money for the house, at least he’s not an addict!”

“At least… at least…” Erin seemed to stumble over her words. “You gotta stop saying that. Of course it could always be worse, everything could always be worse, that doesn’t mean it’s not bad how it is.”

Patty sat back. “That’s the truest damn thing I ever heard from a drunk person.”

“SHUT UP! Both of you! Stop telling me “abuse equals bad” like it’s some radical new take, Erin! I fucking know that, okay!? Shit’s being done about it because of you, my family’s coming apart because of you, so back off already! And Patty, stop acting like you’re older and wiser than us. You’re fifteen! We’re the same age!”

Erin wasn’t sober enough to process everything, but Holtz’s words had still struck her deep fear that she was responsible for what was happening.

The three of them were silent for another moment. Patty closed the lid of the box, the glass bottles clinking softly.

“I’m almost sixteen.” She snuck in quietly.

“I want my real dad.” Holtz said quietly to herself, hugging her knees. “I dreamt about him the past three nights. Why didn’t anybody help him?”

“I’m… sorry.” Erin managed. She didn’t know the full story and still felt like shit from Holtz’s last comment.

Holtz ignored her.

Suddenly, the rotting barn door was roughly kicked open, creaking loudly on the hinges it barely held onto. “Jillian!”

Holtz’s eyes widened in fear, a look Erin hadn’t seen on her before.

“Are you in here!?”

All three girls stayed quiet and low to the ground as they heard Andy take a few steps out onto the barn floor below them.

“Your mother is really worried about you. Please.”

Erin felt nauseous all of a sudden. She gripped a handful of hay tightly, swallowing hard.

Andy stepped back, trying to see up onto the loft. “Jillian, are you up there?” He paced a few more times. “ANSWER ME!”

“Yes.” Holtz said weakly, sitting up.

“What are you doing up there! Get down here, now!”

“Not unless Mom’s here.” She called back.

“Your mother’s worried sick searching the empty house with Rebecca! Get down here now and go apologize to her, and me!”

“No.”

“Quit being a fucking brat! You think I can’t come up there?”

Holtz bit her lip.

Erin was face down in the hay, looking pale and sweaty and trying not to vomit.

Patty gently put a protective hand on Holtz’s back.

“I’m coming up!” Andy started for the ladder.

“Don’t! The ladder’s not stable!” Holtz said.

“I’m only gonna climb it if you don’t get down here now. Last chance.”

Holtz didn’t answer.

“Fine. You’re making me do this.” He started up the ladder, and it shook under his weight.

A familiar sickening panic set in, and Holtz grabbed Erin’s ankle and pulled her back to the far end of the loft, away from the ladder. Patty also shrunk back, and Holtz tensed.

“Jesus,” Andy grunted, pulling himself up onto the platform, miraculously not breaking anything. He quickly realized he couldn’t stand up straight with the angle of the roof. He crawled halfway across the loft and stopped, looking at the three of them. “Jillian.”

“What?”

“Come on.”

“No.”

“You think staying up here is gonna fix everything? How long do you think you can run away, huh?”

“Get Mom.”

“Go to her! I’m not making her come all the way out here. Come on. Go.” He pointed to the ladder.

Holtz slowly picked herself up and started crawling over to him, her movements betraying her better judgement. She tried to slink past him out of reach, but the area was small.

“Let’s go!”

“Don’t touch me.” She said.

He grabbed the back of her shirt collar roughly, yanking it. “I’ll do what I need to to keep you safe!”

Holtz gave one solid cough when he let go, rubbing her neck.

“Quit being dramatic.”

Tears filled her eyes. “I said don’t touch me.”

“Fine. I’m not touching you. Let’s go.”

“Ever.” She insisted, backing herself up against the drop-off edge of the loft. “Don’t touch me ever again.”

Patty and Erin tensed, seeing how close she was.

“What are you talking about?” He spat. “What are you doing? Get away from the edge.” He reached for her but she pulled away sharply, the momentum quickly tipping her backwards over the edge.

Erin screamed.

Holtz's arms pinwheeled and she started to scream too, but Andy lunged forward lightning-fast and grabbed her forearm, pulling her back upright, and dragging her away from the edge.

“ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID, JILLIAN!?”

“Yes.” She breathed instinctively, lying flat on her back and trying to catch her breath while he kept his iron grip on her wrist.

Andy took a second to catch his breath too. His expression shifted back and forth between pure rage and genuine fear. “Jesus!” He looked back at the edge, the near miss, growing speechless. “Jesus, Jillian… “

“I didn’t mean to.” She whispered, growing lightheaded from the adrenaline. She started crying silently, and Andy wiped his own tears.

“God dammit! You see!” He gripped her arm tighter and shook it violently, leaning over her. “You fucking see! You could have died! Do you have any idea what that would do to us? Do you?”

“I- I don’t k-know.” She stuttered. Her fingers felt tingly as his grip tightened.

“Of course you don’t know! You’re too young to fucking know, so listen to me the first time, or you won’t live to see a next time!”

“Let go of her.” Erin slurred.

Patty tried to shush her.

He looked up at her for the first time, then leaned over Holtz again, his face almost touching hers. He sniffed. “Are you drunk?”

She didn’t answer.

He raised his hand sharply to give her a backhanded slap across the face, but stopped himself an inch from her face.

Holtz’s face scrunched up, awaiting the strike that never came, a new rush of adrenaline slamming her hard. She whimpered softly on her exhales, trying to catch her breath in the tense few seconds after.

“Let go of her!” Erin said again. This time Patty said nothing.

Andy released Holtz’s arm and backed off, his sweaty fingers sticking in the indents he’d left.

A new wave of pain hit Holtzmann like nothing she’d ever experienced before. A low howl started deep in her throat as she clutched her trembling wrist close to her mouth, rolling onto her side and kicking her legs as if she could kick the pain away. Likely because of restricting bloodflow, her wrist only begun to ache when he’d let go.

She clenched her eyes shut and backed herself up until she was practically in Erin’s lap, gasping for air.

Erin immediately held her close while she tried to make sense of things through the unbearable pain.

Andy looked at her again, his expression nothing but concern. He started to back up. “Okay. I’m going to get your mother.” He said gently. He reached his foot out for the first step on the ladder, blindly trusting it in his somewhat state of shock, and missed. He let out one short yelp as he disappeared over the edge of the loft, hitting the ground square on his back with a sickening THUD.

~//~

Chapter Text

The next hour became an absolute swirling blur for Holtzmann. She remembers Erin holding her close, and she knew she and Patty were screaming about something. She didn’t know Andy had fallen at first, because of the blood rushing through her ears and the pain firing small explosions behind her eyelids.

Patty’s dad had returned from grocery shopping and come to pick her up not long after, and found the girls up there and Andy on the floor. He called 9-1-1 and told the girls not to try and use the ladder, which had been broken off at the bottom when Andy tried to grab it on his way down. Firefighters had to bring in a ladder and carry them down to safety.

She did see Andy, though. That part she can’t forget. It didn’t look natural.

Beyond that, more confusion. Flashing lights, her mom somewhere nearby, X-ray machines, and emergency rooms.

Of course it raised suspicion that she wouldn’t answer any questions about how her wrist broke. They said she was in shock, which she was to some degree, but she could have answered their question if she wanted to. Andy did it, obviously. His hand around her arm caused the crush fractures in the small bones of her wrist. But he did it to stop her from falling, he saved her. She didn’t want to make him look like the bad guy, and she was afraid anything she said might be interpreted as such. So she kept her mouth shut.

Erin had thrown up a few times, and she was taken to the hospital as a precaution while the alcohol wore off. Her parents had been notified, and she was ready to be discharged a while ago, but they had yet to show up.

When the police had finally finished questioning Holtz, and the nurses administered some fantastic drug to numb her arm, Holtz’s mom was allowed back in to her small room in the emergency department while they awaited an open operating room.

“I didn’t mean to.” Holtz sniffled as soon as they were alone again.

“Oh, baby. I know. It’s okay. The doctors are doing everything they can, okay?”

“What if he doesn’t make it?”

“He will.”

“Stop. What if he doesn’t?” Holtz pressed.

Her mom was silent for a moment. “I’ll stay here with you, then. No matter what, you’re not going into foster care or anything, okay?”

“What if something happens to you?”

“Nothing’s gonna happen to me, okay? I’m staying right here.” She squeezed her good hand. Holtz’s small, cold hand in her mother’s warm one. Jane watched her daughter’s head turn away slightly, eyes low, blond ringlets against the pillow. “Baby, it’s okay.”

“It’s not.” She replied, her voice unnaturally thick, as if the words were set in stone somewhere and she was just relaying the message.

Jane of course, was a little alarmed by this. “Why do you say that? Jillian? Please talk to me.”

Holtz took a shuddering deep breath. “He’s not a bad guy. You and everyone else wanna make him out to be a bad guy, but how can anyone know if they weren’t there? It’s so much more complicated than good or bad.”

Jane sighed. “I know, baby. Believe me, I know. I’m not trying to make him look like a bad guy. I’m just trying to protect you.”

“I can protect myself.” Holtz’s voice wavered as tears sprung to her eyes. She wanted that statement to be true, but past injuries prove she’s done a pretty shitty job of protecting herself.

“You shouldn’t have to protect yourself in your own home.”

“It’s not like I live with a monster!”

“I know.”

“If I can’t protect myself in my own home, how am I supposed to protect myself out in the world?”

Jane took another deep breath. “Being prepared and being scared are two very different things. Family should help you be prepared, not make you scared.”

Holtz went into this intending to defend Andy until her last breath. He was the one who took care of her the past few years, made dinner, watched TV with her. He was the one who saved her from falling to her death just an hour ago, and he was the one who… Well, Holtz struggled but couldn’t remember why Andy was up in the loft to begin with. Now she felt like it was all about to come out. She kept picturing the times he’s kneeled on her chest, threatening, swearing. Not much compares to the fear of being completely immobilized and helpless. He could have done anything to her in those moments, when he had her pinned like that. And even once the moment leaves, that’s not a fear that’s easily erased from the memory.

“He’s not a bad guy…” She sniffled. “Don’t leave me alone again with him, Mom. Please.”

“I’ll do my best, baby.”

“Please.”

“Jillian,” Jane lowered her voice a little and looked Holtz in the eyes. “Did he do something to you?”

“No,” Holtz sniffled again. “I mean not like that. Not that I think he would. But it feels like he could. He just… pushes me a lot, and makes threats, and tries to keep me away from friends….” Holtz seemed almost in a daze now. These words were coming from such a deep part of her she swore she’d never speak of, that the only way for the words to make it out was to have no emotion attached, pulling it back in. They had to come out.

Jane recognized this, and played it gently. “What else, baby?”

“I don’t know. He makes fun of me a lot. I get teased at school for other things, but at home he makes it more personal. Like when I get my period. Or saying that I eat too much. One time he whipped the remote at me because one of the football players on TV dropped the ball and I laughed at it. Sometimes when he’s drunk he dares me to do something, like take his blood pressure pills just to see what happens. I don’t do it. But he wants me to. Last winter I broke one of his tools or something, and he made me stand outside in the snow while he sprayed me with the hose. He’s not a bad guy. But he does bad things, I guess. Especially when he drinks.”  Holtz stopped herself. It felt dirty, and wrong, to be saying these things. Especially when Andy was in trauma surgery just down the hall, having recently saved her life and possibly losing his. But what if Andy did recover? She couldn’t go back to that. She knew it was better that she tell her mom everything. But why did it still feel so wrong?

“My baby… “ Jane scooted her chair closer, and Holtz rolled toward her so they could be closer. “Oh my god, Jill. I’m so sorry, if I had known—Jesus. He won’t hurt you again. Okay? I’ll fight with everything I have but you will not be alone with him ever again, understand?”

Holtz started crying. Why did she still want him to be her dad? She didn’t want what her mom was saying, she wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Before she broke her fingers, before she met Erin. If she could just go back and have her mom home too, they could be a happy family again.

But Holtz still wanted Erin in the picture.

Speaking of which…

A nurse tapped lightly on the sliding door of their little room in the emergency department. She stepped in, and Erin stood behind her. “Hi there, sorry to interrupt. You’re family friends of Miss Erin Gilbert here, correct?”

“Yes!” Holtz said, sitting up. She was more relieved than she thought she’d be at seeing Erin again, safe.

“Is it all right if she hangs out here for a few minutes while she’s waiting to be picked up? We need to give her room to another patient.”

“Yes, that’s fine.” Jane said, and Erin was already in the room at Holtz’s other side, accepting the hug Holtz was reaching for.

“Wonderful. Thank you.” The nurse closed the door and left.

“Erin, it’s so nice to finally meet you.” Jane greeted warmly.

Erin just gave a small smile, shy. “How’s your wrist?” She asked Holtz quietly.

“They have to do surgery to fix it.” Holtz said. “We’re waiting for an operating room.”

Erin’s eyes widened. She looked like she wanted to cry for a number of reasons.

“It’s okay.” Holtz put her arms around Erin again, and made room for her on the bed. Erin sat cautiously but didn’t look comfortable.

“I’m surprised your parents aren’t here yet.” Jane stated, already sort of knowing Erin’s parents weren’t the best.

“They’re sending a cab to pick me up.” She said.

“They what?”

“Um, I said they’re—“

“Are they at work?”

“No, they’re at home. I think they just don’t feel like coming to get me.”

“I’m sorry sweetie, that’s not okay.” Jane said. “I’ll give you a ride home, you both have had a tough night.”

Erin protested, “They’re gonna be mad if I’m not home when the cab comes.”

Jane turned to Holtz. “Baby, will you be okay by yourself for a few minutes if I drive Erin home real quick? I promise I’ll be back before they take you for surgery, okay?”

Holtz didn’t want Erin to leave, but she didn’t want Erin’s parents to be more mad at her than they already were. She nodded reluctantly.

Jane started to gather her things, and left a quick kiss on Holtz’s forehead. “I’ll be right back, baby. Love you.”

Erin held Holtz’s hand a moment longer. She looked up at Holtz, and could tell she was thinking the same thing. They briefly shared a kiss on the lips before Erin got off the bed to follow Jane out the door. Jane of course saw this, and smiled to herself.

~//~

“It was so nice to finally meet you, Erin. Jillian has said very nice things about you.” Jane said, shifting Gorin’s car into drive and backing out of the parking space.

“Oh.” Erin was usually good at acting polite around adults, but tonight it seemed like everything just slipped through her timeline in a blur.

“You doing okay? I know things have been pretty crazy today. And it doesn’t sound like your parents are much help, huh?”

Erin processed it for a minute, then shrugged. It was raining just a little bit outside, almost cold enough to snow.

“Do they know what happened?” Jane pressed.

“They’ll probably be more concerned that I was drinking than anything.”

Jane thought for a minute. She still wouldn’t let it go that her own daughter was being abused and she didn’t see it. She was determined to never let that happen again, and be more observant so that the next time someone so much as called Holtz a bad name, she would know about it.

And something about the way Erin spoke of her parents was triggering that observant-mom sense. Something was off. The red flags were mounting.

“Erin?”

“Yeah?”

“I know we’ve only just met officially, but you do know that I’m here for you, right? As well as Jillian and Dr. Gorin, if you for whatever reason don’t feel safe at home, or anything, you can tell us, okay?”

Erin swallowed. “Okay.”

“Is… anything like that happening?”

“No.”

Jane didn’t believe her. “Okay. You would tell me if it was? Or tell Jillian?”

Erin folded her hands in her lap. “Holtz already knows. She’d tell you if there was danger. There’s not danger at my house.”

Jane couldn’t help but feel called out on how dangerous her own daughter’s home life has been. “Good.” She said. “I’m glad things are okay. And it’s good to know Jillian has a close friend like you. I mean, I’m sure she has a lot of friends, but I can tell you two are close.”

Close friends. Erin wasn’t sure how she had gone from being weirded out by the girl with the cast who jumped in the backseat and asked to be called “Holtz”, to being close friends, in the span of less than a month. She was okay with that.

Erin was a bit saddened by the fact that Holtz’s mom didn’t even know she was an outcast in school. Erin wondered if Holtz lied and told her she has lots of friends, or if she assumed.

“This one up here.” Erin said as they approached her house. No lights were on, but maybe they were just in the back of the house.

They pulled into the driveway and Jane made a move to walk Erin to the door, but Erin told her she was fine. Jane still waited a full minute after Erin got through the front door to leave.

~//~

Holtzmann’s doctor from before walked briskly into her tiny room, flanked by nurses.

“There’s an operating room open.” He said as the nurses released the locks on her hospital bed.

“What?” Holtz panicked.

“We’re going to fix your wrist.”

“My mom’s not back yet.”

“It’ll be fine. You don’t want your arm to sit like that for too long.”

One of the nurses held up a mask. “Breathe this and count backwards from ten.” He said.

Holtz pushed his arm away. “Not yet. My mom told me to wait for her.”

“She's already signed the paperwork. Look, the room’s open now, we’re going now. We’ll make sure she knows where you are.”

“Please, she’ll be back any minute!”

“Not an option. Jillian, it’ll be fine, I promise. But there are other patients who need the operating room after you, we can’t let it sit empty.”

“Please!”

He seemed to give in a little, sympathy taking over. “Where did she go?”

“She’s driving my girlfriend home, she’ll be back any minute.” The word girlfriend slipped out, and maybe Holtz imagined the shift in the room, or the doctor’s and nurses’ stares changing, judging.

Holtz wasn’t exactly in her best state of mind right now, and her brain had been functioning purely off of pain, drugs, and fear.

In a rural Midwestern town in the 1990s, these fucking people were still adjusting to treating black people the same. For most of them, accepting gays wasn’t anywhere on their radar.

And these people were trying to put her unconscious and cut her open with knives, without her permission and without her mom here to protect her.

Holtz, in this unstable state of mind, understandably fought them.

Which only led to a call for more nurses, and more panic. Seven more nurses came in, insisting they “weren’t going to hurt her”, while roughly restraining her and tying her arms and legs to the bedrails with sheets so she couldn’t move at all. She fought the restraints, screamed for her mom, and screamed in pain when someone who didn’t get the memo tried to tie her broken wrist to the bed as well. Finally, someone flooded her IV line with something that whited out her vision in a few seconds and she stopped fighting, unconscious.

~//~

Erin stepped into the darkened first floor of her house, surprised to find the light in the back room wasn’t on. The office, where she’d last seen her parents, was empty and dark. They hadn’t left any light on for her. She blindly climbed the stairs and tip-toed toward their bedroom.

The glow from the TV spilled through the crack of the doorway. She approached the door cautiously, debating just going into her room and going to sleep. But she was developing a bad headache and hoped one of them would let her unlock the medicine cabinet so she could have a Tylenol.

It almost wasn’t worth it. But they also might get mad in the morning if she didn’t let them know she was home.

She decided to just see if they were awake.

She tapped very lightly on the door so as not to wake them if they were asleep, but also if they yelled at her for entering without knocking, she could technically say that she did.

Erin put one foot in and peeked around the corner. They were both sitting up straight in bed, looking at her. She jumped, startled, but quickly took her place and stepped fully into the room. “I’m home.” She said.

“We can see that.” Her father said with condescending inflection.

She instantly shrunk. “Um. I’m sorry for running away.”

“Did you mean what you said?”

“About what.” She asked very quietly, already kind of knowing.

“Speak up!”

“About what?”

“About for some reason believing that you like that girl.”

“I do.” Erin cleared her throat. “I do like her.”

“You’re too young to know that.”

Erin didn’t argue. It was pointless. She took in a short breath. “Did you… decide?”

“Decide on what, Erin. You can’t just ask vague questions like that.” Her mother said.

“Decide on… whether or not you’re going to kick me out? Disown me?”

“Why would we do that?” Her father asked, again making it sound like it’s an obvious answer and she’s incredibly stupid for not knowing.

Erin didn’t care about his tone. She was utterly relieved that she wouldn’t be kicked out or disowned. They still love her, probably. Well, they’ll still live with her anyway. “You were in the office for a long time. I thought you were deciding what to do with me.” She said.

“No, but there are going to be some changes around here.” Her mother said.

“Okay. Um, like what?” Erin shifted, stepping one foot on the other.

“We’re getting a divorce.”

Erin nearly lost her balance, and quickly had to put both feet back on the ground. “You what?”

Her father spoke up. “Your mother and I are splitting up, and we’ll be acquiring the proper paperwork shortly.”

Erin was confused that they were telling her this while still in the same bed next to each other, as if nothing was different. “Oh.” She was dying to ask why, but kind of knew they would just shoot her down. “So… someone’s moving out?”

“We’re both moving. We don’t know how far.”

“Who am I going with?”

“We don’t know yet. But you will go wherever is practical, even if that means moving out of town, and you will not argue. Understand?”

Erin forced herself to swallow down how upset she was. She didn’t answer them. Two more years and she’d be eighteen anyway.

Two years maybe without Holtz or Abby. Another new school and town. And one parent.

Erin turned and started to leave. She needed to cry but didn’t want anyone to see her. She wanted her bed and blankets and her stuffed dolphin to hug.

“Erin.” A warning voice rose from her mother.

She stopped in her tracks. “Yeah?”

“We will talk about this drinking issue first thing tomorrow. Don’t think you’re getting away with this.”

“I know.” She said quietly.

“We haven’t decided on an appropriate punishment yet, but know that it will be far greater than any grounding you’ve ever seen.” Her father said.

Erin bit her lip and nodded, darting out of the room. By her calculations, she’d never get to see Holtz again.

If she followed the rules.

~//~

Chapter Text

Erin was awoken by her alarm clock the next morning. She shut it off and drew her arm back under the blanket, out of the cold. She stared at her ceiling for a few minutes. Her head and throat hurt, and she felt slightly woozy. She figured she must be getting sick, and wondered if she could convince her parents she was sick enough to warrant staying home from school.

Then she remembered the events of yesterday. The fighting, running away, the drinking, Holtz getting hurt and her step-dad getting hurt even worse. The hospital. Holtz’s mom driving her home.

Now she wanted to stay in bed even more. Abby would undoubtedly be asking her questions when she got to school, if she’d heard anything yet. And although Holtz was okay, Erin knew Andy’s last condition was unstable, and she wasn’t quite ready to think about the fact she might’ve seen a man fall to his death yesterday.

Like most sixteen-year-olds, she’s never seen someone die before. She’s seen dead bodies, but never someone who was alive one minute and gone the very next. She saw her brother, but it took hours for him to succumb, and she of course didn’t see the moment the life left him, she only saw when they pulled him out of the car.

Just some casual uplifting thoughts and imagery to start her school day. At least she didn’t have to worry about dealing with anything until she saw Abby at school.

She slid out of her warm bed into the freezing air and dressed quickly. It wasn’t until mid-way down the stairs when she remembered what happened with her parents last night.

They weren’t really divorcing, were they?

She cautiously approached the kitchen, almost silent in her socks, and found both her parents sitting at the kitchen table. They were usually milling around in the morning, making toast, or coffee, reading the paper, or writing something for work.

Today, they were both sitting silently, looking at her.

“Sit down.” Her father said.

She slowly approached the empty chair across from them, cringing as the overhead lights irritated her headache.

“I don’t have all day.”

“Sorry.” She quickly took her seat.

“As I mentioned last night, we’ll be discussing your punishment for running away and drinking with your lowlife peers yesterday.”

“Lowlife?” She blurted.

“Drinking at that age? They won’t amount to much in life. And likely neither will you.” Her mother said.

“If you don’t straighten out.” Her father corrected.

Erin couldn’t help but wonder if there was a double meaning to that. “Um. What’s the punishment?”

“Do you feel sorry about what you did?”

“Yes.”

“Will you do it again?”

“Definitely not.”

“And you won’t see those friends again?”

Erin sucked in a small breath, and didn’t answer. She kept her head down.

They continued. “And you admit that you’re too young to possibly know the complexities of human sexuality, therefore you don’t like that girl in the way you think you do, and therefore there’s no reason to continue being her friend considering how she endangered you.”

Erin was silent again. She knew arguing would only lead to harsher consequences. Besides, just because she says it to them doesn’t make it true. “Yes.” She said in a small voice.

“Look at us and speak clearly.”

She lifted her head. “Yes. I’m too young” She swallowed, “to know.” The words hurt more than she expected them to.

They bought it, and laid out her punishment, “No hanging out with any girls except for Abby. No car for three weeks. No going anywhere without telling us, no staying out past 9, and you sleep in the basement for five nights. Beginning tonight. One pillow, one blanket, no stuffed animals.”

Erin processed all of it. They’d punished her to the basement before, though it was usually during a point of frustration right before bed, it had never been premeditated before. And she’s never been limited on what she could bring down with her. But she feared if she argued any of it, they wouldn’t let her see Abby. And right now ‘hanging out with Abby’ was probably the only way she was going to get to see Holtz. She nodded. “Okay.”

“Go wait for the bus.” Her father instructed.

“It won’t be here for twenty minutes.”

“Did I ask that?”

Erin swallowed hard. “Can I have breakfast first? And something for my headache?”

“This was breakfast.” He motioned to the table. “You took up our breakfast time by forcing us to have this talk, so you don’t get it either. And your hangover is just a consequence of your own actions.”

“Okay.” Erin whispered, though she was in no way ‘okay’. She silently scampered to the front hall and put on her jacket and shoes, grabbed her backpack, and stepped outside.

It was freezing. And the bus was late.

~//~

Holtz spent the night drifting in and out of consciousness, but was never fully aware of her surroundings until early that morning. Since she’d been fighting against the doctors, they didn’t have time to measure out a proper dose of the anesthetic proportionate to her weight, so they’d just given her the standard adult dose, and she’d had a bad reaction to it. That’s what they said to her mother, anyway.

She was fully alert by morning, and Jane refused to leave her side after what had happened the night before. The doctors set Holtz’s arm and casted it, and was out of surgery fairly quickly.

But apparently the night had been absolute hell.

Jane returned from dropping off Erin to learn her daughter had been taken into surgery. She was told it wouldn’t take more than half an hour, and Holtz would be awake within an hour after that. Two hours later, she was told Holtz was still in recovery and hadn’t woken up. That’s when they explained the restraints and having to knock Holtz out with a larger dose than recommended. They let her see Holtz, but explained to her, as if she were a child, that sometimes people have a bad reaction to anesthetic and may lose brain function, motor skills, and on rare occasions, they don’t wake up. Ever.

Jane’s night was hell. She refused to leave Holtz’s side. Andy remained in trauma surgery for a total of seven hours before being moved to the ICU in critical condition.

So when Holtz regained awareness, she’d already been drifting in and out of consciousness for a few hours, so her mother had some time to settle down from thinking her child might be brain dead. But for those hours, Holtz was still mostly unaware, so they thought she might have brain damage. By 4am, she was fully conscious and alert. They’d tested everything, and she had no permanent damage.

And at some point, Jane would come to realize how furious she was with the hospital for all the damage they could’ve caused, but for now, she was too focused on Holtz.

Holtz however, didn’t seem thrilled to see her mother. She didn’t seem to have much emotion about anything.

She was still chained down by that feeling of fighting for her mother, helpless, unable to move, and thinking nine people were about to kill her.

“The doctor said you can have anything you want.” Jane lightly shook the menu in her hand to get Holtz’s attention. “Well, anything low in sodium.”

Holtz looked at the menu but didn’t take it.

“Are you hungry? It’s just about breakfast time. The kitchen will make any one of these things for you. They’ll bring it right here, I won’t leave.”

Holtz shook her head. She wasn’t hungry, and she hadn’t spoken yet beyond answering questions while they were checking for brain damage.

“Baby,” Her mother lowered the menu. “Will you please talk to me? I know you’ve been through a lot. And I get you wanna stay quiet for a little while, I don’t blame you. But let’s find a healthy way to deal with this, okay?”

She still didn’t answer.

“Okay, baby. It’s okay.” She drew Holtz into her arms and kissed the top of her head. “Take your time. I’m always here, okay?”

Always. Holtz pictured her mother taking her to Disney World sometime. Just the two of them. It seemed nice. But she wasn’t sure if she could ever really let herself enjoy something after this without feeling guilty

~//~

Chapter Text

It was amazing how Abby had no semblance of a clue what had happened, and how drastically her friends’ lives had changed mere hours ago. Erin tried to keep a neutral face that morning while Abby told her about a movie she and her parents watched last night.

Everything seemed normal.

She saw Patty in the hall, who also looked somewhat shell-shocked, and they made eye contact but didn’t speak.

She knew Holtz wasn’t in school. There was no way her mother would let her go back the day after a surgery, even if it was only her wrist. But she knew Gorin was in. She had to have known what happened by now. And Erin dreaded seeing her for 6^th period Biology. She probably thought it was Erin’s fault that Andy got hurt, and that Holtz was ever in that situation in the first place.

So Erin was relieved but also terrified when she was called down to the guidance office at the end of 5^th period. She had no idea what it was about. As she made her way through the empty halls, the more she thought about the possibilities, the more terrified she was. By the time she reached the guidance office door, she’d almost rather face Gorin than walk inside.

But the door swung open for her. One of the school administrators –the one who’s usually in the main office—opened the door for her. That was the first sign something was off. “Come on in, Erin.”

She walked through the doorway, trying to make herself as narrow as possible, and her heart rate spiked when she saw a police officer standing inside.

“Hi, Erin.” He said. “I’m officer Powell, can I talk with you in here for a little bit?” He pointed to one of the counselor’s offices.

Erin felt like she was going to pass out. Her body was on total autopilot as she looked inside the smaller room. A guidance counselor and the vice principal were already inside. She waited for the cop to go in first, but he was holding the door for her. She was completely trapped. She stepped inside and sat down in the nearest chair, afraid she was going to faint.

The cop closed the door and took the seat nearest to her. “So, you probably already know I’m here to talk about what happened last night.”

She nodded. She eyed his gun and handcuffs at his belt. She wondered if either of those things might make contact with her at some point today.

“I hear you’re a smart girl, so you probably already know the weight of the situation, right?”

She could smell his tactic from a mile away. He was trying to make her feel more in control. She’s never felt less in control in her entire life.

“It’s no small deal. Two people are in the hospital, one of them might not make it. We need to know the full story of what happened, and I need you to tell me the complete truth, okay?”

“Holtz hasn’t… told you yet?” She stuttered.

“I can’t disclose what information we have or haven’t gotten from Miss Holtzmann right now.”

“Is she okay? Why is she still in the hospital?”

“I can’t say anything about her condition.”

Erin started to panic. There was no reason for the hospital to keep Holtz longer than her surgery and recovery. She should’ve been home last night. Something was wrong. “Please. Anything.” She begged.

The cop shifted positions and clasped his hands together. “Look, Miss Gilbert, I came here to talk to you because you’re not in trouble and we thought it would be easier for you to talk here. But if you don’t cooperate, I’d be glad to take you down to the station and talk to you there. We’re doing you a favor.”

“Sorry.” Erin said quickly, but quietly.

“I need you to tell me what happened.”

“Okay.”

“Why were you at the barn?”

~//~

“I’m not leaving until you talk. I can wait for a very long time.” The officer said, taking a seat in the chair at the foot of Holtz’s hospital bed. He held a notepad and pen in hand, expectantly.

Holtz remained unfazed.

“She’s traumatized!” Jane said. “I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, but I don’t think this is the right tactic.”

“I’m not leaving here without a statement. I don’t think you understand,” He told Holtz, “This isn’t a game. A man’s life is on the line. If he doesn’t pull through, this becomes a homicide investigation. Your statement now could save you from going to jail down the line. Do you wanna go to jail? For killing your father?”

Again, Holtz remained unfazed.

Jane gritted her teeth. If he didn’t have a gun she might’ve attacked. “Isn’t there another officer we can speak to?” Hostility seeped through her words.

“I’m here now.” He said.

“I demand another officer to speak to.”

“Ma’m, if I get my partner in here, we’re going to take you into separate rooms and question you individually. I’m doing you a favor by letting you stay with her.”

~//~

Erin didn’t do anything wrong. Well, besides drinking. Holtz didn’t do anything wrong, and Patty certainly didn’t do anything wrong. As long as she told the truth, she’d be good, right? She decided trying to lie about what happened with her parents would only discredit her story down the line. “I ran away from home, briefly.” She said. “It started to rain so I went into the barn.”

Officer Powell wrote something on his notepad. “Why’d you run away?”

“Um, my parents were fighting.” It wasn’t a lie. “They’re getting divorced.” She added before she could stop herself.

“And did you know about the barn beforehand or did you just find it?”

“I knew it was there. I’d never been inside it before.”

“So you left your house, intending to go to the barn.”

“Yeah.”

“And when you got there, were you alone?”

“No, um. My two friends Holtz, uh, Jillian, and Patty were already there.”

“What were they doing there?”

“I don’t know.” Erin said, before remembering “Patty wanted to take pictures of the building, for a history project or something, and Holtz was running away from her own house.”

“And you three are friends?”

“Yeah.” She hoped she wasn’t roping Patty into this by saying that, but she did consider her a friend.

“What happened next?”

“We went up to the loft. The ladder was unstable, but we still got up. We found a shipping crate, and Holtz opened it even though I told her not to. There was just alcohol inside. So we drank some of it. Uh, Holtz and I did, Patty didn’t drink.”

He wrote more stuff down. “And then what?”

“Andy came in. I think he was drunk. He was looking for Holtz, and he came up the ladder.” Erin’s heart rate sped up again, if that was even possible.

“And you were drunk by that point?”

“Yes.”

“And Jillian?”

“Um, she didn’t have that much. She wasn’t as bad as I was.”

“And what did Andy do?”

Erin tried not to cringe at the memory. “He was mad at her. He was… worried, but he doesn’t have a good way of showing it. She almost fell off the loft. She was on the very edge. He was holding her wrist too tight. He caught her from falling but then didn’t let go. He was hurting her. He screamed at her. Then he let go. He tried to go down the ladder. It broke under him, I think. I didn’t see it. We were on the far end of the loft. He just fell. I didn’t see it. I don’t know.”

The officer’s pen flew across the page, the only sound in the dead silence.

Erin kept her gaze firmly on the carpet between her shoes.

~//~

Last Night

Larry Tolan held the blinds pried apart with his fingers so he could watch the police car drive away. As soon as it was out of sight, he released the blinds and spun back around so he could address his daughter.

“Patricia, you better start explaining why the hell a cop was in my house!”

“Oooooh, you’re in trouuuuuble!” Patty’s little sister whispered, watching from the stairs.

“Sasha, go to your room and close the door!” Larry shouted.

The Tolan kids were typically very well behaved, and Patty’s parents ran a tight ship, so to have a cop show up at their house to talk to them was unheard of. And clearly Sasha didn’t get the gravity of the situation, but Patty’s older brother Eli certainly did. He stayed in the kitchen and hadn’t said a word.

The cop had questioned Patty alone, so nobody knew anything yet. She felt sick even though she’d done nothing wrong.

“Sit down.” Larry’s voice was a bit more gentle as he took a seat on one of the living room couches, gesturing for Patty to sit across from him.

Adding to how unnatural everything already seemed, the Tolans never used their living room. Only for like, family gatherings and such. Everyone hung out in the family room, where the TV was of course, and the door to the backyard. So sitting here, on these stiff, unused couches, felt wrong. Surreal.

Patty took her seat and folded her hands together. “Well, as you know, I was out last night to take photos.”

“See, I knew this photography and trespassing would get her into trouble.” Patty’s mother, Connie, stepped into the room. She’d been surprisingly quiet so far, and everyone was kind of surprised she hadn’t jumped in sooner.

“I wasn’t trespassing, Ma.”

“Let her tell the story.” Larry said.

Connie crossed her arms and sat down next to him.

“I’m not in trouble, he just wanted to question me about what happened.” She took a deep breath. “Yesterday, I was taking pictures at an old barn, but it started to rain…”

~//~

“I demand to know what this is about! You cannot detain me without a reason!”

“Don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be.” An officer led her to a small metal chair in the interrogation room.

She sat down and waited with forced patience as he transferred her handcuffs to the metal loop on the table. The officer left the room, and was replaced by a more proper-looking man in a white shirt and a laminated ID card hanging from a string around his neck. The card read “Detective Flores”

“I appreciate you being here—“ He started.

“Is that a sick joke? I was just arrested in front of my students!”

“It was not meant to be a joke. There is no hostility here, we’re just trying to do our jobs and piece together the events of our case. Now, Rebecca, may I call you that?”

“No.”

“Do you prefer Mrs. or Dr. Gorin?”

“No.”

He was thrown off. “What do you prefer I call you?”

“Free to go.”

“Rebecca, you don’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation here.”

“I don’t? Oh, that’s rich. The so-called law enforcement in this town only cares about the case when there’s high drama, it seems. One wild night with a mysterious barn and illegal alcohol use and a ‘possible homicide’ and fun conspiracy theories about ‘maybe he was pushed’ and other crap that gives you guys boners. If I had known that’s what it took to get your attention on the Holtzmann-Corson family, I woulda thrown myself off that barn years ago.”

The detective cut her off. “You know you’re a suspect, right? I don’t think insulting law enforcement is in your best interest right now.”

“Actually, this is the best time for me to hurt your little cop feelings, considering I was so far away from anything that happened yesterday, the fact that I’m even a suspect is a conspiracy theory itself.” As much as her anger at everything was the dominant mentality here, she almost felt guilty for enjoying telling them off.

“And yet, you’re the only one with a clear motive. Especially considering your violent history with Andy Corson.” Flores said.

“Violent history?”

“Several times, several years ago.”

“I mean, we’ve gotten in a few scraps.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s an asshole!”

“We’ll come back to that. Where were you yesterday evening?”

“I drove Jane and Jillian to Andy’s house to retrieve their belongings. After a while Jane came out to tell me Jillian had run into the backyard and I helped Jane search the abandoned house nextdoor, since we thought Jillian might have gone there. Andy went to search the barn.”

“And Jane Holtzmann’s story will match yours?”

“She has no reason to lie.” Unless she decided to try and protect Andy for some reason. But she wouldn’t do that at the expense of her daughter, of course. Jane’s story would match, as long as she told the truth.

“Is there any time you were alone, between when Jillian left the house and when the police arrived?”

Rebecca shrugged. “I don’t know when she left the house, I just know when Jane told me. And as soon as she told me, I was with her every minute until the police arrived.”

“And neither of you entered the barn at any time before police arrived?”

“We weren’t even near it. Are you done asking stupid questions yet?”

“Oh, we aren’t even near finished questioning you Rebecca, so if you have plans in the near future, consider them cancelled. Let’s carry on—“

~//~

It felt mostly like a dream, this place Holtz had unlocked in her mind. In a bland room, with a bland chair, and a colorless door that held back all the noise. There was no trapped or alone or cold or escape. She’d walked into the room by her own volition.

Outside were things and noise and pain and questions.

Inside was safe. A room she’d always had but was never able to unlock until obtaining the right key combination of trauma, pain, and fear.

This isn’t her escape. This isn’t her avoiding things that make her uncomfortable. This isn’t her shirking responsibility because she doesn’t feel like facing things right now.

This is preservation. This is involuntary protection. This is catatonia.

~//~

In the eyes of the small-town law enforcement right now, only Andy can tell what really happened. The other three witnesses are teenage girls; even without the fact that two of them were intoxicated, they’re completely unreliable in the eyes of the justice system. If Andy survives to tell his side of the story, whatever he says may as well be fact, regardless of what really happened.

And while hell certainly has its place for him someday, right now, Andrew Corson is awake.

~//~

Chapter Text

1987

“Jim!”  She called once over the crowd, trying to get his attention without being too conspicuous with her shouting, even though this was a literal parade.

Thankfully, he heard her and started moving with ease and authority through the crowd she’d been trying not to disturb. “Bee! I was looking for you!” He pulled her into a tight hug, which she instinctively resisted but forced herself to settle into it. His clothes were disheveled and potentially unwashed. His hair settled into a natural short swoop, but still looked unbrushed. His overall demeanor was not the same Jim she befriended in college. Even his mannerisms had changed, or at least exaggerated.

But as usual she looked past that. He’s still Jim Holtzmann.

And in true Jim Holtzmann style, he sported an outfit stating his fearless and unashamed rainbow pride for Rebecca, despite not being part of the LGBT+ community himself. He was like this in college too, proudly wearing merch from his roommate’s shitty band that nobody liked, and when he became a father, wearing a rotation of 5 different shirts that stated such for over a month after his daughter was born.

And Rebecca was only wearing a white button-up with tiny stitched flowers like polka-dots. Looking around at everyone else, she didn’t even fit in in her own community. She should’ve stayed home.

“Here.” Jim tugged something brightly-colored out of his small backpack.

Oh great, he brought a giant rainbow flag, just another way to show her up at this—

He reached his arms around her and tied it off like a cape.

The fabric settled over her shoulders and she worried that this would be too much. They’re surrounded by plenty of flamboyantly-dressed people in close quarters right now, in the parking lot where the parade floats line up, but once they got on the road she knew they’d be more spread out, and more prone to verbal and even physical attacks from people protesting her existence. Even though she was already literally marching in the parade with her college alumni group, somehow this rainbow cape made her feel more visible.

“Um, thanks. How’s Jane and Jillian?”

Up ahead, the first float started pulling out onto the road. 

“Oh, amazing.” Jim gushed. “I’m teaching Jillian how to swim.”

“What? Jim, she’s three.”

He laughed in that warm, sincere way that always somehow made her know he’d be a great dad. “We haven’t moved past the floaties yet, but she’s got the kicking down, and she loves jumping in from the side.”

She smiled at the mental image, and it helped quell some of the anxiety that spiked when their float started to move out.

Jim cheered loudly once and held up a small flag, eliciting more cheers from the crowd.

~

Things were far from picture-perfect in the Holtzmann home. Jim actually hadn’t seen his wife and daughter in a few days. He strongly suspected he was being followed, and he wanted to make sure whoever was doing this never learned where his family lived. Maybe he could throw them off at this parade, or the other event tomorrow.

“Oh, Bee, are you coming to the counter protest tomorrow?”

Rebecca barely heard him over the overwhelming mix of cheers from marchers in the parade and hateful shouts from people on the sidewalk, held back only by metal crowd control fences.

“Um… what? Oh, tomorrow. Wait, what’s tomorrow?”

He laughed and held her arm so he could lean in close, making sure not to broadcast his intentions to anyone near them. “Tomorrow, 6pm starting on Broad Street and Elm. The anti-gay movement is holding a supposed “counter protest” to today’s pride march. So a bunch of us are counter-counter-protesting.”

She processed this. It sounded a lot more hostile than this pride march, which already felt pretty hostile to Rebecca. Even coming here was a real stretch for her comfort zone. She gets enough hate from her own family, why would she go out of her way to seek out more? Why not just let the angry, hateful people wear themselves out? Confronting them feels like giving them exactly what they want.

But Jim has always been very confrontational. And it’s gotten him in trouble with the police several times. If that was going to happen again, Rebecca wanted no part of that.

“Um, no t—“ She was about to decline his offer, but the group in front of them suddenly stopped walking. Shouts could be heard up ahead. She instinctively grabbed Jim’s wrist, but he was surging ahead to see what was happening.

A car had driven into the intersection they were crossing. It hadn’t hit anyone, but people were gathering in front of it to stop it from going any further.

“I have as much of a right to be here as the faggots do!” The driver shouted out his window.

“No you don’t!” Jim stepped towards the car, others echoing his claim. “This is a planned city event, roads are closed to vehicles, that’s the law!”

“No it’s not!”

Jim caught the attention of an officer who was already walking towards the car. “Hey, tell ‘em the law says he can’t drive a car through a fucking crowd!”

Nobody really could have predicted what happened next.

The officer stopped in his tracks and turned on Jim. “Hey! There’s no need for vulgarity, I’m handling this. Mind your own business.”

“Vulgarity!?” Jim spat. “He drove a car into the middle of a parade! He could’ve hurt or killed someone! And you’re worried because I said Fuck?”

College had taught Rebecca that she did have a fighting side, if only rarely, but it’s a side most people, including her younger self, would not have guessed she had in her. But she took that hint of bravery and pushed past a few people just enough to grab Jim’s wrist and tug him back.

Well, she meant to tug him back. Until she realized that officer really was defending the guy in the car. Both wore the same smug smile. A stupid, immature, better-than-you smile that she recognized on plenty of her students faces. Whether it meant this cop thought he was better than them because he was a cop, or because he thought of homosexuals as less than human, it was that false air of authority that just pushed the wrong buttons.

“Hey, I’m a student teacher in an inner city high school, I get insults flung at me all day, and you can’t handle one? It wasn’t even directed at you!”

“Ma’am, I really advise you stay out of this.”

“I advise you do your job and apprehend the threat rather than trying to start petty drama over your inflated ego, Officer Fuckhead.”

Something deadly flashed in his eyes. Within moments everyone around her was backing away with short, surprised shouts. Jim stayed by her side, but was frozen.

“What did you call me?” She couldn’t see his face anymore, just the barrel of the gun.

Everyone who’d backed away enough were now completely still, holding their breath, waiting to see what would happen next.

A camera flash went off to her left. Jim was to her right, unfrozen now and shifting his weight back and forth, itching to fight back.

She doesn’t really remember that, she just remembers what she said next, her voice frighteningly calm.

 “These are the people you’re supposed to protect.”

~

She did not attend the counter-counter protest the next day, but Jim did. When she got the morning paper, on the front page near the bottom was the picture of her, rainbow flag over her shoulders, calmly facing the officer’s gun. She was doxxed and outed to her co-workers and was forcibly reassigned to another school district.

The most significant thing about the picture, however, isn’t that. It’s also the last picture of Jim Holtzmann alive.

~//~

Chapter Text

Holtz took a few days and several medications to come out of her catatonic state. During that time, her mother found an apartment and had begun to move her stuff from Andy’s to the new place.

Even after she was discharged from the hospital, Holtz still had some lingering dissociative moments. And whenever Jane Holtzmann recognized this happening, she would lead Holtz over to a designated corner of the apartment near the window, build a cozy fort with blankets and chairs making sure to only let in the sunlight, and hold her daughter close, talking to her softly, easing her out of it.

And Holtz would always think about Erin, and how her parents would never do this for her.

~

Holtz flipped the slap bracelet around between her hands, sitting on the floor of her bedroom at Andy’s house. The numbers written on it were fading, but Holtz already had Erin’s number memorized.

“C’mon. Pack the rest of your clothes. Rebecca has plenty of storage room in her basement for whatever we’re not taking to the apartment, so don’t worry about leaving stuff here.” Jane urged.

Holtz just kept flipping the bracelet around.

“Jillian—“

“I don’t wanna live in the apartment.” That wasn’t entirely true. The place had plenty of room, a lot of natural light, it was high up in a complex so there would definitely be other kids around, and best of all she got to live alone with her mom, which is what she’s always wanted.

But there’s no workshop to build new machines. No expansive backyard to test out experiments that might fly or catch fire. And it was 10 miles further away from Erin.

Jane, it seemed, could read her daughter’s mind. “Hey, you’ll still see your old friends. I told you, I’ll drive you to school every day, you don’t even have to switch schools. And pretty soon you’ll be able to get your license and drive to see your friends whenever you want!”

It was a good deal, all things considered. She’d have to give up wild experiments for the next few years in exchange for not living with an abusive man and not having her mother overseas.

Holtz packed the rest of her bags in silence.

~

But that’s not the end.

Fifteen years from now, in New York City, Holtz is once again able to build her wild machines and set things on fire (on accident), working with her best friends from high school as a team called the Ghostbusters, her wife being one of them.

Seems ideal on paper.

But she’s constantly chided for conducting experiments that are too dangerous, making poor judgement calls when it comes to her own safety. Her formative years of making machines and tinkering with mechanical parts in Andy’s garage were peppered with fear; it’s what motivated her to make a good product that would impress him enough to avoid a scolding for whatever damage she caused while making it.

One such device, a back brace with attached robot arms controlled by slight movements of the jaw, was certified for use in partial paralysis patients in medical facilities across the country, and received a glowing review in a medical journal by the Cleveland Clinic.

Andy was one of the first patients to be medically cleared to use the device. While he maintains in his head that he sustained these injuries saving Jillian from certain death, he keeps that rhetoric away from Jillian and Jane these days.

She struggles to tap into that motivation without involving fear. Conducting dangerous experiments is the only thing that comes close, as long as it doesn’t put the others in danger. So yeah, she’s blown a medium/large poof here and there, sometimes while standing too close and needing to stand under the chemical shower in the lab and let Erin patch up a couple cuts and scrapes. One day in particular however, that didn’t go as smoothly as it usually does.

~

After glancing around to make sure nobody else was in the vicinity on the first floor lab, Holtz grabbed something from under her workbench. Something framed in metal with wires sticking out and a small motor in the center. Nothing radioactive, but still nothing she wanted anyone else nearby for on the off-chance it blew up.

Okay, little more than an off-chance.

She pulled her goggles into place and flipped a couple switches on the side as the motor started purring. She reached over to check her soldering iron was still hot and ready to go, and grabbed the wire she wanted to experiment with. She grabbed a wire stripper and stripped a little bit of the coating on the end. With one hand distractedly resting on the soldering iron grip, she touched the exposed wire to another wire right where she intended to solder it.

It didn’t go well.

FOOOOM

For a brief second some sparks shot up, but that was quickly overshadowed by a slightly more than medium poof, that was felt throughout the firehouse more than heard. Dust and plaster shook loose from every corner of the lab, from floor to ceiling.

Holtz vaguely registered that something was pressing between her shoulder blades and her face was on the tiled floor. Even with her eyes closed, she rolled her eyes hearing rushed movement upstairs and knew everyone was about to make a big deal about it.

The three other girls along with Gorin came rushing down the stairs, with Erin in the lead. At first she didn’t see Holtzmann facedown on the ground, buried under a stack of books that she asked Holtz to clean up weeks ago. And as soon as she caught the blonde curls sticking out from under them, her brain could only go worst-case.

She shouted her wife’s name and ran over, visually checking that the rest of her body wasn’t buried under the rubble, and the books were all paperback workbooks and guides. Heavy, but not like hardcover.

Thankfully, Holtz was already lifting her head up before Erin even got there. She raised herself to her elbows and the books slid off her back while she shook her head out like a dog.

As soon as Erin reached her she was kneeling, her hands on Holtz’s back, shoulders, jaw, checking everything over. “What the hell happened?”

“Uh. Science.”

Erin frowned. “Bad answer. Try again.”

Little things like this made Holtz know Erin would be a good mom. They’d already talked about kids and it was definitely in the “few years down the line” plans, which is why she’s come to love Bossy Erin moments like this so much.

Holtz ran a hand through her hair to catch any debris sticking to her head. “Ah, not sure to be honest. Maybe some faulty wiring. It’s that thing I was working on the other day, you saw it.” She braced her hands on either side of her and started to get up.

“Holtzmann how did you make it expl—”

“OW fudge! The fuck was that?” Holtz yanked her hand away and dropped back to her knees.

“What’s the point in saying fudge if you’re gonna follow it up with a fuck?” Patty asked from across the room. She had grabbed a broom and was sweeping up some dust and debris that honestly might not have even been from this explosion, Holtz doesn’t keep her lab very orderly and things explode fairly often.

Holtzmann definitely had a sarcastic answer for that but she was busy investigating the damage done to her palm. Before Erin could inquire, Holtz said, “Well, now I know where my soldering iron landed.”

Abby made a hiss of sympathetic pain. She’s been there too. “I’ll grab the ice.” She turned and headed back up the stairs.

Gorin, having at least some sense, marched over to where Holtz’s hand had been and secured the soldering iron before it could catch anything on fire, following the wire all the way to the outlet and unplugging it for good measure.

Erin took Holtz by the elbow on the injured side and helped lift her up to standing, then guided her over a couple strewn books and tools on the floor and over to a bench that sat against the wall next to the stairs.

Patty had moved in and started picking up the stack of books. She, along with the other Ghostbusters, was pretty used to this.

Gorin wasn’t. She moved to New York after retiring from the Michigan public school system and is a frequent consultant for the Ghostbusters. She also seems to be the only one who can read the psychology of why Holtzmann works in such a dangerous manner. Prior to this though, she didn’t know that Holtz has been taking it to the point of blowing things up when nobody’s around to stop her. It was an accident, but Gorin knew exactly which piece of equipment Holtz was working on, and while she didn’t know what caused it to blow up, she was pretty certain whatever Holtz did to it was unnecessary and risky.

She still held the soldering iron as she watched Erin and Holtz carefully.

Abby had returned with the ice pack and a little first aid kit they kept handy and well-stocked. They had actually upgraded from the little wall-hanging kit to a medium storage container so they could fit stuff like cotton balls and peroxide, both of which Erin was using now.

Holtz lifted her goggles off her eyes and nestled them in her hair. She sat still while Erin dabbed some tiny cut on her forehead. She gripped the ice pack and crinkled her eyes shut at the pain.

Erin usually fusses over Holtz a lot after her lab accidents, but this one was pretty mild. She stepped away after putting a bandage on the microscopic cut, but still felt like she needed to be doing something. “Are you lightheaded? How far were you from the explosion? Does it hurt anywhere else? Follow my finger with your eyes—”

Holtzmann gently reached up and took Erin’s wrist when she held her finger up. “Babe, really. I’m okay.”

Erin backed off for a moment. “You have to be more careful.” She said in a hushed tone, an indication that a lecture about this topic might be coming later. Another aspect of potential parenthood that Erin frequently mentioned: having to actually be alive to raise the kid, so maybe not playing with nukes.

“I will.” Holtz’s usual promise, offered in the same hushed whisper.

Gorin snatched the cooling rack for the soldering iron from the ground among the pile of books, and carefully set both on an unaffected lab table nearby. “Erin?” She spoke up from behind her, having watched this whole encounter. “May I speak to you upstairs for a moment?”

Abby and Patty met eyes, hearing the ‘teacher voice’ come through Gorin’s tone and wondering what this was about. Honestly though, they were just glad they weren’t the ones in trouble. Hopefully.

“Um. Yeah, of course. Right now, though?” Erin was also surprised, although too distracted to notice the ‘teacher voice’.

“Yes, right now.”

Erin glanced back to Holtz, who grinned and gave her one thumbs-up. She barely even heard Gorin, she was lost in thought about what the explosion told her about her theory, how she should tweak it so she can get that wire connected and doing what she intended.

At the top of the stairs, Gorin stood near the windows, well out of earshot of anyone downstairs. Erin approached, concern etching her features. Gorin’s driving force was also concern, it just expressed itself as something closer to strict anger.

“Tell me Erin, how common is a little explosion like that?” She demanded, her arms folded.

Erin scratched the back of her neck. “Like that? Jeez, um, I guess—”

“Not just like that, but like anything that could get Jillian hurt. And not just the ones that do hurt her.”

“Well, I mean, as you know our work is very—”

Gorin put her hand up and Erin stopped. “Yes I know, but it doesn’t always need to be. Exactly how much of that is excessive? You know what that is don’t you?”

Erin hesitated. It sounded like a question but Gorin’s hand was still up. “What what is?”

Gorin shook her head slightly, “I could be wrong. But it looks like she’s taking risks for a reason. Not really my place to explain it to you, so please bring this up with her at some point. Soon. And get her in therapy or something. The fact that this is a common occurrence gives me a bad feeling.”

“It’s not that common…” Erin had the impulse to be defensive, but ultimately she trusted Gorin’s advice. If she could get Holtz to blow things up less often, that would be ideal. She just didn’t like the thought that Holtz was doing this on purpose. “I’ll talk to her about it.” She promised.

Gorin nodded once, satisfied, and headed back downstairs.

~

Later that evening, Abby and Erin were cleaning up the dinner dishes while Patty messed around with the cable box and three different remotes to try and figure out how to get their TV functioning properly again. Holtz had to flip the breaker for the first floor off in order to get some things plugged back in after the explosion earlier, and she had accidentally turned off the wrong breaker and fucked up the TV.      

Seeing as Holtz was exempt from cleanup duty because of her burned hand that was starting to blister, Gorin saw the opportunity to talk to Holtz about her earlier conversation with Erin.

She led her by the shoulder and took her to a side room that didn’t even have a door, the Ghostbusters were currently using it for storage. Gorin stopped walking when boxes on the ground prevented her from going any further, and she turned to face the younger engineer.

“Jillian, what are you doing.”

Holtz looked confused. “Following you into the storage closet?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I would probably sound a lot smarter if I did.” Holtz agreed.

Gorin sighed. She was hoping to not have to spell this out. “The explosions. The extra danger. You’re doing it because of Andy, no?”

Holtz genuinely looked even more confused. “Andy? What’s he got to do with any of this? I haven’t even talked to him in weeks.”

That’s another thing Gorin is so less than thrilled about. Holtz and her mom still have contact with Andy. She understands that he’s technically still family even though he and Jane divorced, and that he doesn’t get much support from his own side of the family, that doesn’t mean she has to like it. And Rebecca Gorin has always been fairly upfront about when she dislikes a person.

“Not that. Your experiments are getting dangerous just because you don’t have someone to smack you around when things get out of hand. Was that your only boundary? Getting abused all the time?”

Holtz stepped back and frowned, genuinely offended. “What are you talking about? You think I’m just gonna do crazier and crazier things until someone comes to physically hurt me? You remind me of the way Andy used to compare me to my dad.” It was a low blow, but so was Gorin’s comment.

“That’s not what I meant, Jillian. I think you might have a tendency towards doing dangerous things because there was so much danger in your home growing up, that maybe it’s not as scary for you.”

Holtz was still on the defensive. “That’s a real specific thing to think just because I had some faulty wiring on some equipment earlier. Is that what you talked to Erin about, too? Is that all you wanted to say? Can I go now?”

“It’s only specific because I’ve been there.” She nodded to Holtz’s hand, then rolled up her left sleeve to reveal extensive burn scars on her forearm. “I almost lost my arm because of a lab accident just like yours today, and more people could’ve been hurt if they were nearby.” She didn’t like showing people, but it was worth it if she could get Holtz to see her point. “I was being foolish and reckless because I didn’t have a good example of what a normal amount of risk is.” She tried to search Holtzmann’s eyes but she was looking away.

Holtz turned her attention down to her hand in her lap. “I have a basis for what is and isn’t an acceptable amount of risk. I’ve got three friends right here who have a pretty good concept of it. I’m not a fearless maniac that needs to be stopped. But I can’t just ignore or forget that I got some of my best work done when under certain conditions, like having deadlines and maybe some music playing while I work.” Holtz grinned, hoping to get out of this.

“And Andy.” Gorin snapped her sleeve back down. The young engineer did not seem to be getting her point.

“And Andy.” Holtz agreed, willing to give her that much if it meant they could stop having this conversation.

Gorin caved. Maybe Erin could get through to her better. “Well, whatever you need to do to get your work done, find a way to do it without risking life and limb. Pretty soon you’re gonna have little ones who depend on you.”

“Wait, how did you know—” Holtz started to ask, but Gorin was already walking away, back towards everyone else. Holtz and Erin had not announced their intention to be parents to either of the other two Ghostbusters yet, nor had they even decided how to go about it. It was still a subject of whispered talks and long late-night conversations in bed.

Holtz lingered in the storage room, thinking. Her thoughts were much too big for this cluttered spare room, so she stole away to the roof, hoping nobody noticed.

~

The breeze outside was strong and chilly, flapping the folds of the umbrella that stood tightly closed, the only thing they hadn’t brought indoors for winter yet. Holtz didn’t mind the cold, she didn’t even bother rolling her sleeves down to warm up as she leaned her elbows on the half-wall and looked out over the city, too lost in thought.

If Gorin had already mentioned her little theory to Erin, then Erin was definitely gonna bring it up to Holtz sooner or later. The problem was, Gorin may have been wrong about the specifics but she wasn’t totally off base either. Fear is a powerful motivator, and while it may not be the healthiest way to get things done, it had been working for Holtz for a long time.

The rooftop door squeaked open, and Holtz turned her head.

Erin stepped through the doorway, and immediately tightened her hoodie strings so the hood protected the exposed nape of her neck from the chilly gusts. She saw Holtz right away and made her way over in no particular rush.

Holtz glanced back once just to see who it was, then turned her gaze back to the city lights. Her wife stepped up next to her and they both faced the city for a few chilly minutes. Finally, she turned her head.

Erin sensed this and turned to meet her gaze.

I know what you and Gorin talked about. I know I need to reign it in.

The girls had known each other so intimately for so long that Holtz didn’t even need to open her mouth to give Erin those words.

“I’ll try not to let this make me a bad parent.” Holtz added glumly.

Erin nodded, focusing on her shoes for a minute as she composed her reply. “Holtz, what our parents may have done to us in the past could not ever mean we’ll be bad parents. Sometimes I think it might even compel us to do the opposite.” She took Holtz’s hands in hers. Erin was deeply affected after watching Andy fall nearly to his death that night, so many years ago. Even though he survived, the permanent injuries he sustained were life-changing and didn’t leave anyone feeling particularly celebratory. Between that and her parents’ divorce ripping her away from her friends, she developed PTSD and struggled through the rest of high school. Luckily, the thought of being able to go to college with Holtz and Abby gave her enough motivation to pass her classes and get accepted to the same university.

Holtzmann squeezed Erin’s hand with her one good hand gently but kept her reply to herself. She wasn’t worried about turning out like Andy. Andy wasn’t even genetically related to her. Secretly, she’s been worrying about passing down the schizophrenia from her biological dad. Even though she escaped it, she didn’t want to take any chances with the next generation, and was hoping their future children would either be genetically Erin’s or adopted, but Holtz had accepted that she was too scared to curse anyone with her genetics.

Erin could sense something darker in the young engineer, and she let go of Holtz’s hands and pulled her close against her chest. “We’ll be okay.” She murmured softly into the blonde’s hair.

Holtz let herself be enveloped in the warmth of Erin’s hoodie, finally letting it hit how cold her arms were in the breeze. She nestled her head into Erin’s collarbone, and Erin rocked them back and forth ever so slightly.

Somehow in the craziness of each of their individual worlds, they had found one another. And whatever the future held for them, from parenthood to Ghostbusting, they would face together. Just like they always had.

~//~