Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chuuya hears it first from Rin-chan, who hears it from Haruko-chan, who hears it from Rei-chan, who hears it from Nagisa-chan who claims that she’s seen it with her own two eyes.

(Some other time, Chuuya will think long and hard as to why he's part of the group chat of the women that Dazai had jilted, but today is not the day.)

Apparently, Dazai’s been walking around in Yokohama with a young kid who happens to be his spitting image. The group chat is a flood of salty condolences towards the ‘poor, unfortunate bitch’ who got knocked up by Dazai. And then there’s a wave of questions for Chuuya as to whether he's aware of this? And then a flurry of invitations for him to drink with them if he needs to commiserate with anyone.

At first, Chuuya dismisses it, because he doesn't think that there's enough stupidity in the world to convince someone to willingly carry Dazai’s demonspawn for nine months. The alternative is that Dazai somehow adopted someone (and again, not enough stupidity to convince some orphanage to give a bandage-wrapped bastard a child) or that Dazai somehow managed to find a way to clone himself.

But then Chuuya goes to the local grocery—and if it's a little bit closer to the Agency compared to Chuuya’s usual haunts, it's just because he wants a change of scenery, okay?—and stands in the middle of the pasta aisle as he tries to decide between organic penne and organic macaroni. His pondering over which of the pasta types he'd like to cook over the week is interrupted when there's a shrill voice that yells: "Mama!"

Chuuya flinches, not because he thinks the kid is yelling for him, but because of the sheer volume and pitch. He gamely ignores it at first—a skill that he’s learned upon being partnered with Dazai and honed once Kajii and other rowdier members joined the Port Mafia—but then, there's suddenly a kid barreling to the back of his knees, a powerful tug to his pants, and another "Mama!" yelled.

Very slowly, Chuuya turns around.

Promptly regrets it.

Because he’s faced with the sight of Dazai, a few steps away, smiling like an idiot. Dazai always looks like an idiot, but to see him smiling is even more idiotic, so Chuuya swings his gaze down to avoid burning his eyes. Sees fluffy brown hair and a spitting image of Dazai’s face, with just a tad more babyfat.

Oh fuck no.

"Mama!” The chibi version of Dazai cries out, then tries to rid him of his pants with one mighty tug. "I wanna kiss mama!"

"What the hell is happening," Chuuya asks as he tries to keep his pants up. For a little shit, chibi Dazai is kind of strong.

"Ah. Shuuji-kun here is apparently a result of time-travel," Dazai explains gently, like it's actually something easy to understand. It’s definitely not even remotely easy to understand—and it’s definitely not because Chuuya’s an idiot. Dazai has the nerve to shrug at his horrified look. "We’re looking into it, but for now, he's stuck here with us."

Shuuji. So this is the much-younger Dazai, then. Chuuya peers down at the big eyes and the small hands that cling to him.

Fuck, he actually looks cute.

The fact that he’s the spitting image of Dazai because he’s the younger version of Dazai makes his stomach roll a bit.

…Wait.

"...wait, us?"

Dazai shrugs and gestures towards his pants. "Well, he is very attached to you, isn't he?"

“He is not,” Chuuya says hotly, but it’s mostly negated because Shuuji clings to his leg with one hand and his other hand is patting Chuuya’s thigh – the very definition of clingy attachment.

Dazai whistles a bit as he watches his younger self be so relentless in clinging to Chuuya. “I guess you could say that my taste is pretty consistent.”

“Shit taste, you mean?”

Dazai laughs. “If you want to call yourself ‘shit’, that’s up to you, Chuuya~”

“Oi!” Chuuya instinctively glares at Dazai for that comment. But then, “Wait! What the hell does that mean?!”

Dazai blinks at him, all faux-innocence. The movement is mirrored by Shuuji, who blinks up at Chuuya with huge eyes. Chuuya doesn’t want to admit it, but he feels a bit weakened by such an assault. It’s an absolute disgrace. He’s an Executive at the Port Mafia! He’s not supposed to be weakened by cute guys blinking at him in tandem!

“Shuuji, it seems that your Mama is a bit stupid.” Dazai walks close enough, stops once he’s near enough that he can lift Shuuji by his armpits so that he’s eye-level with Chuuya. “Blame our collective shit taste in men.”

“I wanna kiss Mama,” Shuuji repeats, before reaching out with both hands so he can latch onto Chuuya’s nipples.

Needless to say, the three of them are promptly kicked out of the local grocery because Chuuya’s ensuing outraged yelling and kicking rampage is bad for business.

-

Chuuya’s not sure how things came to be like this.

The group chat is filled with uselessness, because they’re all just passive-aggressively asking him to create a blog so he can document his everyday activities with Shuuji and Dazai. Chuuya’s even had to resort to contacting the Agency, because they need to do a lot of Detecting for him and fix the hell out about this time-travel shit. If they can’t solve his case, then they’d best believe that he’d deal with Dazai with a lot of arms. Edogawa just laughed at him for ten minutes straight, Akutagawa’s jinko just kept on asking for pictures about their ‘family bonding’ and Kunikida just kept on thanking him for managing to remove Shuuji from their premises and clearing them of Dazai for the next couple of days.

(Apparently, the two days that Shuuji spent in the Agency’s office has already traumatized a good number of its members and clients, while ramping up their repair costs past the budget for the next two quarters. Chuuya’s not surprised – he’s had this theory that Dazai’s born to the world already a smirking asshole hellbent on making life hell for everyone.)

The Port Mafia is also of no help, because Ane-san’s very adamant in her request to have Shuuji visit her courtesan house. Chuuya has a feeling that it would end up in a bloodbath, so he just wisely applies for vacation time. Boss approves it in record time after making him promise to never let Shuuji meet Elise-chan, in case Elise develops an unfortunate crush. Hirotsu-san emails him a list of Parenting books and websites, plus a list of stores that provide the necessities for kids. Tachihara tells him that he’d be more than happy to lend him some of his younger brothers’ clothes, but Chuuya’s not sure how happy he really is, given that Tachihara looked a bit teary-eyed. Chuuya leaves before he gets ambushed by anyone else.

So.

Here Chuuya is, turning the keys to his apartment and praying against hope that his wine collection will survive this.

“We’re home!” Dazai says loudly, something copied by Shuuji in a more subdued tone, but not that much behind in enthusiasm in his eyes as he takes in the new space.

“This is much better than your place,” Shuuji comments to Dazai as he sits primly on the living room couch. Then, to Chuuya: “Mama, we’re going to live here forever.”

“Just for a few days,” Chuuya corrects the kid, but not too loudly – to the point that he’s not even sure Shuuji hears. Today is a learning experience for Chuuya who’s learning that he has a weakness for kids looking so soft and innocent, even if they have the unfortunate affliction of having Dazai’s face.

“Forever,” Dazai agrees, following Chuuya to the kitchen where he’s putting down the groceries.

“Just for a few days,” Chuuya repeats, but Dazai ignores him, instead sliding next to him and wordlessly helping him place the groceries in their proper places. If Chuuya’s suspicious as to how Dazai’s able to seamlessly place them in their proper shelves, Chuuya doesn’t get a chance to bring it up, his mind too busy with freaking out over this situation that he finds himself in.

-

Thing is—it’s actually surprisingly easy to fall into routine with Dazai and Shuuji.

It’s so easy that Chuuya feels like he’s been with them, like this, all his life.

So easy that Chuuya doesn’t even interrogate Dazai or anyone about the steps they’re taking to help send Shuuji back to his proper timeline.

-

Mornings happen like this:

Chuuya waking up in Dazai’s too-tight embrace, evidence of last night’s drooling on Dazai’s night shirt. Chuuya tries to valiantly scrub it out with the pads of his fingers, but the action only wakes Dazai up in the process, who groans out his good morning and tugs Chuuya’s face down so he can kiss his forehead. At least, that’s the plan. That’s what Chuuya hopes is the plan. But because it’s too-early in the morning and Dazai’s never been the most coordinated bastard in the early hours, a lot of times, the kiss lands somewhere around Chuuya’s own mouth.

The sudden thrill he feels from that is always effective in jolting him awake, spurring him into action so that he’s flying off the bed and stomping off to where Shuuji is, checking up on the kid to make sure that he’s still in one piece. To ensure that he’s still there.

Chuuya’s second, much-smaller, bedroom has been converted to a study when he moved in, but it’s been repurposed back to being a bedroom for Shuuji. Chuuya sits down on Shuuji’s twin-bed, content in watching the young Dazai for a few minutes—at least, until Dazai finally trudges inside and sits beside Chuuya, leaning heavily against him as the two of them breathe in the early morning air while watching over the younger kid.

Chuuya feels Dazai’s head sliding down to his neck.

“…Chuuya, I’m hungry.”

“Go make your own food,” Chuuya always retorts, soft enough so that they don’t wake Shuuji up, but he always allows himself to be pulled up so that they can move to the kitchen where Dazai will be a nuisance who’d drape himself over Chuuya’s back like some overgrown sloth, all while Chuuya’s busy with preparing a child-friendly healthy meal.

“Chuuya’s making a lot of protein-rich food,” Dazai points out as he sniffs at the smell of meat being taken out of their packaging. “Are you hoping that you’ll grow taller still?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Chuuya always replies, but he always makes enough for three.

-

Dazai actually makes himself useful on mornings.

They discover that Chuuya’s coffeemaker apparently plays favorites, because it always churns out the most delicious, aromatic coffee whenever it’s Dazai who operates it. Chuuya feels mildly betrayed because it’s his wallet that paid for its existence, but he supposes that if there’s one good thing about this new arrangement of theirs, it’s the fact that he can focus on cooking and have coffee ready by the time he needs it. Also, he supposes that Dazai swooping in and changing something in his life is already par for the course.

It’s also Dazai who wakes Shuuji up – the chore falling to him mostly because Shuuji always clings to Chuuya when it’s him who wakes the kid up and Chuuya’s always too much of a softy to reject his request for five more minutes of cuddling. When it’s Dazai who wakes him up, Shuuji’s very efficient in his morning routine, because he wants to quickly make it to the dining room to eat breakfast with Chuuya.

Chuuya says it’s because he’s just that much less of an asshole compared to Dazai, but Dazai shoots it down and says it’s because Shuuji’s instincts locked in on Chuuya. Chuuya would have asked further about it, but he’s not feeling very confident about his sanity surviving the conversation because Dazai’s leering at him.

-

They have breakfast together, always a full meal, sometimes a traditional Japanese meal, other times with Chuuya acquiescing (read: being bullied into agreement due to twin pouts) to Shuuji and Dazai’s requests for Western-style breakfasts or some of their other wilder ideas.

“Can you please pass the salt?” Shuuji asks politely, head turned towards Chuuya. Shuuji’s politeness is impeccable, something that none of the Agency members who check up on them believe.

Chuuya and Dazai reach for each other’s wrists, Chuuya attempting to fling Dazai across the table. It’s a half-hearted attempt at best, done mostly to make Shuuji laugh. Dazai whines excessively after, protesting that he’s more ‘spicy’ than ‘salty’.

“You’re many things,” Chuuya says as he eventually passes the salt shaker to Shuuji, after warning him to not put too much. “But you’re definitely not spicy.”

“Chuuya’s besmirching my honor,” Dazai complains. He pauses, waits until Chuuya’s about to swallow: “Even though he hasn’t tasted me at all!”

Chuuya throws an empty plate towards Dazai’s face.

-

Dazai’s kicked towards the kitchen sink so he can wash the dishes after their breakfast. There’s a moment of peace as Chuuya lets Shuuji help him in packing his lunch bento.

“I want more shrimp tempura,” Shuuji says as Chuuya arranges the tempura on the bento. “I promise I’ll do well at school!”

“You can have more shrimp—or whatever you like.” Chuuya ruffles Shuuji’s hair with his free hand. “You don’t have to bargain your schoolwork for it.”

Shuuji pouts as he nuzzles against Chuuya’s waist. “But I want to make you proud!”

“I’m always proud of you,” Chuuya points out. And he really is. Any other kid and they’d be shocked and unable to adjust to the sudden shenanigans happening in their life. But Shuuji’s able to roll with the punches, able to be happy and adjust to suddenly being thrust into a whole new world. Of course, it helps that his mind runs at a thousand miles per hour… but it’s still admirable.

Shuuji clings around Chuuya’s hips as he mumbles, “…and I guess, Dazai too.”

“That mackerel is a dumbass, but even he can’t be stupid enough to not be proud of you.” Chuuya fills one section of the bento with steamed vegetables, sweetens the deal by topping it with crab roe.

“…I’m glad.”

Chuuya focuses on arranging the side dishes to something that look like a garden, arranging the small cheese balls and the egg omelet so that they look like sunflowers. “Hmm?”

“I’m glad to know that when I grow up, I…” Shuuji trails off, sounding more like the eight-year-old that he is rather than the budding of a demon prodigy. “When I grow up, even if I’m… I’ll find happiness.”

Ah.

“You’ll always be happy,” Chuuya assures him as he shifts so he can carry Shuuji in his arms, embracing him. He turns so that he’s facing the approaching Dazai, maintains eye-contact with the other man as he says, “I promise that.”

Dazai’s lanky arms, slightly damp from dish-washing, are able to wrap around both of them – and even though it’s something that’s born out of an unexplainable anomaly, Chuuya feels like there’s something right with this embrace.

-

The two of them drop Shuuji off to the front gates of his elementary school, sending him off with another hug and cheek-kisses, though Shuuji scrunches his nose when it’s Dazai’s turn to give him a kiss.

“Have a great day at school – feel free to contact us if you need anything,” Chuuya reminds Shuuji, adjusting his uniform so that there are no wrinkles. Chuuya staunchly ignores Dazai videoing this ritual, because he doesn’t want to cause a scene again in front of the school gates. At this point, he’s mostly resigned to being the unwitting star of a series of videos that somehow find themselves circulating in the internet. Just the other day, he’s been called ‘Chuumom’ while he’s buying groceries. “Focus on enjoying yourself, okay?”

Dazai pipes up with, “Anyone who bullies you…”

“I’ll make them pay,” Shuuji finishes.

Chuuya whacks them both.

-

After six months and still no new information about Shuuji’s case—

“…Let’s…”

Chuuya trails off as he figures out how to say the words that needed to be said years ago. It’s nearly time for them to have to go out and pick Shuuji up from school, but Chuuya loiters in the doorway of his bedroom, watching Dazai get his phone from the charging station on the right-hand bedside table.

Chuuya’s technically still on leave, but he does drop by the Port Mafia Headquarters every-so-often, still oversees missions and reports coming from his subordinates. He still attends Executive meetings, even if only via video calls, the secure set-up on his laptop courtesy of Dazai. It’s not really a matter of the lack of time or distance to the headquarters – it’s just that, they’ve wordlessly agreed on greatly limiting risks on each other’s lives so they won’t have to deal with possibly breaking Shuuji’s heart with an untimely injury or worse.

Similarly, Dazai’s also technically still on leave, even if he does consult on the Agency’s cases and make them run circles if he so feels on a daily basis. Only Atsushi and Kyouka are brave enough to visit regularly, because everyone else are still mildly traumatized from their short-lived experience in sheltering Shuuji in the Agency office. One of these days, Chuuya will get the full story, if only because he wants to copy whatever Shuuji did if he wants to torment the Agency.

“…Let’s?” Dazai asks and Chuuya’s surprised to see the other man already in front of him. Too close. Yet Chuuya doesn’t feel trapped or caged. Dazai’s peering down at him, looking incredibly soft in a beige cable sweater layered over a black shirt, black pants and no socks, his warm feet touching Chuuya’s equally-bare feet. “Earth to chibi?”

Chuuya squeezes his eyes shut.

It’s now or never.

“Let’s get married!” Chuuya blurts out, eyes still closed. There’s silence and Chuuya feels his lungs collapsing. He struggles to get the rest of the words out, getting tongue-tied in the process. “It’s j-just! For Shuuji’s sake! S-So we can properly a-adopt him! And give him a nice f-family! It’s not like I l-like you or anything!”

There’s more silence.

“Damn it, say something!” Chuuya wrenches his eyes open so he can glare up at Dazai. It’s a mistake, because Dazai’s eyes are shining and his cheeks are flushed. It’s a sight that Chuuya realizes is yet another one of his weakness. “D-Damn it, Dazai, you—!!!”

Chuuya tries to punch Dazai into saying something, anything, but Dazai catches his fists, easily predicting his motion. Dazai traps his fists against his chest as he crowds him against the bedroom door.

“I do.” Dazai smiles down at him and slowly erases the remaining distance between them. “I promise to bring you happiness too, Chuuya.”

Chuuya has some choice words about that, but they’re all swallowed up by Dazai’s kisses that turn from one, to ten, to uncountable numbers because Chuuya’s way too dizzy from all the rollercoaster of emotions that loop inside him.

It’s the first time that they don’t manage to pick up Shuuji from school, Dazai calling Akutagawa quickly and telling him that he’ll be his favorite subordinate forever if he agrees to pick Shuuji up and let him stay with them for a few hours.

“…a few hours, huh?” Chuuya asks with a smirk, even though his stomach is still filled with butterflies as Dazai multitasks between his phone call and undressing Chuuya.

“Overnight,” Dazai barks to his phone. “Let him stay overnight with you, you’re the best, Akutagawa-kun!”

-

Two hours later, Chuuya manages to crawl out of bed despite Dazai’s best efforts at pinning him back down. His phone is thankfully not broken even though he dropped it on the floor.

“Sorry about the last minute… uh, disappearance, Shuuji.” Chuuya places the phone on speaker, kicking Dazai in the face when the other tries to bite his toe. “Dazai… had to attend to business. And I had to help him.”

“Dazai already posted a blog post about your engagement,” Shuuji tells him in response. Chuuya kicks Dazai in the face again, because what the fuck?! “It’s okay, I don’t want to see Dazai being so gross right now.”

“He’s always gross,” Chuuya says solemnly, because Dazai deserves it for updating his blog without consulting Chuuya. Now, Chuuya’s phone will be blown up with notifications from the group chat – there’s bound to be a lot of condolences for falling for the mackerel bastard. “Are you sure you’re okay with staying with Akutagawa-kun?”

“We’re currently at jinko’s room,” Shuuji says innocently. “Something happened in Akutagawa’s apartment.”

Dazai wiggles forward so that they’re pressed shoulder-to-shoulder as they lie on their stomachs, wrinkled blankets and the surviving swatches of their clothes in a mess all around them. “Shuuji, did you blow up Akutagawa-kun’s apartment?”

“Of course I did not,” Shuuji says with just-enough incredulity that it’s immediately obvious that he orchestrated it, but is too smart to be caught red-handed.

Chuuya rubs his forehead, already anticipating the bill that will be sent to him. Or maybe not – because Akutagawa’s still enamored with the idea of being Dazai’s favorite subordinate. Oh wait, Akutagawa and Gin live together, and she’ll certainly be merciless in billing Chuuya for damages. “Shuuji, behave, please.”

“I’m trying to make Akutagawa confess to jinko,” Shuuji tells them proudly, in a loud stage-whisper. From the background, Chuuya can hear choking noises. He hopes it’s because Akutagawa’s using Rashomon on Atsushi, rather than Atsushi pinning Akutagawa down or something. He’s been training with Akutagawa once a week recently, and he’s confident that Akutagawa’s much stronger now, after all.

“Our bet conditions remain,” Dazai reminds Shuuji. Chuuya whacks Dazai on the head. Dazai’s rubbing at the sore spot on his head as he continues, “If you win, I’ll teach you about lock-picking techniques.”

“And if I win, I’ll get to go with Mama alone on a whole-day date,” Shuuji reaffirms their ‘deal’ and Chuuya hits Dazai again.

-

Shuuji isn’t successful in getting Akutagawa to confess, but Chuuya feels bad enough that he agrees to take Shuuji out that following weekend.

“I wanted to go on a date with you,” Shuuji pouts as he kicks at the door as Dazai locks up the apartment. “Mama, let’s leave Dazai behind.”

“You know he’ll just stalk us,” Chuuya mumbles as he fiddles with the ring on his left finger. It’s his first time wearing something on his hands that’s not his gloves and it still feels so… weird. A good kind of weird, but weird nevertheless. “At least this way, it will lessen the chances of him orchestrating a shitty surprise.”

“My surprises aren’t shitty,” Dazai complains as he finishes his job and the three of them walk towards the elevator that will take them to the underground garage. “They’re very interesting!”

“There’s nothing interesting about you popping out of a life-size cake,” Chuuya says with a roll of his eyes as he recalls the last time Chuuya and Shuuji went out for dessert without inviting Dazai.

Shuuji chimes in, “Or Dazai pretending to be a granny.”

“He’d be more believable if he went with a dirty old man disguise,” Chuuya says even as he allows Dazai to drape himself all over his left side. Chuuya squeezes Shuuji’s hand with his right hand. “Make sure that you don’t follow the footsteps of this gross man, okay, Shuuji?”

Shuuji nods enthusiastically. “I promise, Mama!”

“You weren’t calling me gross last night though, Chuuya~~~♪”

Chuuya kicks Dazai’s leg as he blushes furiously.

“Shut up! You’re disgusting!”

-

As expected, Chuuya receives a lot of condolences for being stupid enough to agree to shackle himself for a lifetime not only with Dazai but also Shuuji. Chuuya takes those condolences in a stride, knows that they’re actually congratulations for him managing to get hold of this rare sort of happiness.

-

Shuuji’s speech during the wedding is him detailing what he did to the Armed Detective Agency’s office and Chuuya’s never been that horrified and proud at the same time. Shuuji then finishes his speech with a sweet smile as he promises to do something worse to anyone who tries to give trouble to Chuuya and Dazai.

“That’s our son,” Dazai whispers to Chuuya as Shuuji hugs them.

“That’s our son,” Chuuya agrees with a smile, hugging the two most important people in his life.

-

Nights happen like this:

The three of them arranged in an odd but comfortable lump, with Dazai’s back against the headboard and Chuuya cradled between his legs, Shuuji’s back against Chuuya’s chest. Chuuya reads The Little Prince to Shuuji in its original French, because Shuuji has expressed interest in learning another language.

Dazai combs Chuuya’s hair as Chuuya recites, “Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.”

“Chuuya really is a romantic,” Dazai murmurs as he presses a kiss at Chuuya’s nape, over a layer of long red locks.

“Shut up, pervert,” Chuuya whispers back, laughing when Shuuji complains about Dazai distracting Chuuya.

It’s indeed a very simple secret.

The three of them laugh together, a family surrounded by love.

Chapter Text

omake

-

“…You got rejected?” Chuuya asks his son as calmly as he can, even though his insides are boiling with rage. “It’s okay, Shuuji, not everyone has good taste…”

Chuuya continues to murmur soothing words as he hugs his son, pats the other’s back in gentle caresses. While others might say that it’s just a simple date during a school festival, Chuuya is still very angry on behalf of Shuuji. But he reins it in, because he needs to be a pillar of support for his son, not a rampaging wreck. Shuuji clings back to him and Chuuya simply embraces him back, ignoring his husband’s whines in the background for the difference in treatment.

-

The following day finds Chuuya casually strolling towards the Yokohama High School baseball club’s locker room after-school hours. He’s supposed to meet Shuuji after his Student Council meeting, but Chuuya’s early for an entirely different reason.

“Oi,” Chuuya says as he kicks the door open. Shuuji’s been telling him about his crush for the past week, a Shindou Watari-kun, ace pitcher of the baseball club who likes to stay back after-practice so he can leech off the school’s wifi, just before he meets up with his buddies for dinner and game arcade. “You’re Shindou Watari-kun?”

The guy first snarls in surprise, but it fades away quickly to a gulp of fear when he actually looks at Chuuya. Chuuya supposes that even though he hasn’t been working in the field for more than five years now, and even though the Port Mafia is a lot less into illegal activities now, he’s still able to exude a bloodthirsty aura. That’s good.

“No need to be so scared,” Chuuya says with a scary smirk. “I’m just here to chat with you.”

-

“—you rejected him because he’s ‘too serious’ and ‘moody’?!” Chuuya resists the urge to punch the guy. He settles for hanging him upside down from the ceiling using his gravity. “Have you seen any other high-schooler with such an advanced outlook on life?! Shuuji is serious because he’s more adult-like, you know?!”

Chuuya continues to rant, not allowing the guy to get a word edgewise.

-

Later that evening:

Dazai sighs as he plays with Chuuya’s hair, the two of them cuddled together as they wait for Shuuji to finish his bath so they can watch a movie together. “Chuuya, you know that Shuuji doesn’t really have a crush on that guy, right?”

Chuuya leans back against Dazai’s chest and arches a bit so that Dazai can continue kissing his neck.

“But that guy’s been giving Shuuji trouble, right?” Chuuya smirks when he feels Dazai stiffen in surprise. “Stupid Dazai, do you think I don’t keep track of our son?”

Dazai resumes kissing Chuuya’s neck, biting and sucking at the skin with more fervor. “So you do know that Shuuji just wanted to ask for your help to beat him up?”

“Of course I do, I’m not an idiot!”

“Hmm, is that so~~~?” Dazai sucks hard at the skin high up Chuuya’s neck, at a place that would be impossible to hide even with a turtleneck. “Chuuya’s spoiling our son a lot, isn’t he?”

“I know how terrible you both are at admitting that you need my help,” Chuuya murmurs with part-exasperation and part-fondness. “And of course I’ll spoil him. I love him, after all.”

“Aaaah, that’s so unfair, tell me you love me more than him!”

“No.”

“Chuuya!”

“Shut it, you octopus.” Chuuya wriggles as Dazai’s octopus-like clingy arms wraps around him and tickles his sides. “I know that you helped Shuuji plan that!”

“You have no proof~~~♪”

“I don’t need one,” Chuuya declares as he twists so he can kiss Dazai on the lips. “I know your shitty ass very well, after all.”

Dazai kisses back, licks at Chuuya’s tongue until they hear Shuuji coming out of the bathroom. Dazai pulls back, but only a little bit, keeping their foreheads pressed together.

“…I also know that you were watching me bully that guy.”

“Ahaha, busted.”

“Don’t you ‘ahaha’ me, you piece of shit!”

“Tell me you love me the most-est first!”

“You’re disgusting,” Chuuya says instead, but he grins when Dazai pouts at him. “I love you anyway, you disgusting Osamu.”

Shuuji comes back out to the living room, dressed in his pajamas and hair dripping slightly.

“Mama, what happened to Papa?”

“He’s gone and finally died,” Chuuya says with a laugh as he pats at the space beside him for Shuuji to sit on. “He still gets KO’d when I call him Osamu, after all.”

“He’s such a weakling,” Shuuji says as he pokes his father’s furiously blushing cheek.

“He really is,” Chuuya agrees as he puts an arm around his son.

“I love you both so much,” Dazai sighs like a lovestruck idiot and Chuuya sighs as well before allowing his husband to sneak in another kiss as they watch the movie’s opening credits.

All in all: a typical day.