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It was the day after the US Grand Prix, and all of the drivers were heading out to a black tie fund raiser about 20 minutes from our hotel. We were asked to stay the extra day as this was apparently very important. What if that event was never scheduled? I know I for one wish it hadn’t been.

I think we must have all left the hotel within 30 minutes of each other, so it’s scary to think that it could have happened to any of us. What if someone had forgotten their keys and had to go back in, or what if someone had taken a shower a bit quicker? Any one of us could have been in danger, and I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs of the situation. What if one little thing had gone a little differently? I wouldn’t be where I am now.

But, unlike when we lower ourselves into a F1 car, danger was not staring us in the face. We never would have predicted it. That’s what makes this situation different than a crash on the job. We know we are putting our lives on the line every time we climb in there. We know this risks we take. But here, on the normal road, we are just like any other driver (with a tad bit more skill and a quicker reaction time). We want to get where we need to go quickly, but we also drive cautiously. We don’t want to stir up unnecessary chaos.

We don’t have crash proof helmets or fireproof suits. We are completely exposed to other people’s mistakes, even if we don’t make them ourselves. So, we are not immune to accidents.

Kimi and I were dressed in expensive Ferrari suits. In fact, everything around us is maybe by Ferrari and expensive, including the car, of course . It was an 812 Superfast, which I think may be my favorite car ever made by Ferrari. It was just stunning. Of course, it’s much easier to say that now that it’s gone. That’s how nostalgia works.

We were driving together because it’s no secret to anyone that we were a couple, and I can say now I know more than I ever have that I love him. I always have, I’ve just been too afraid to admit it until now. It was good publicity for people to see us arriving together so the press would see our relationship was still strong. Of course, we had someone to drive us back once we got drunk.

I am now going to say exactly what happened from beginning to end, even though it pains me to even think about it. I need to get it off my chest.

We climbed into the car and Kimi, being his typical self, mumbled about how he didn’t want to go and how the only good part was going to be the free drinks. I agreed with him. I was still really tired from the race. I had won, and he had gotten 3rd to Valtteri.

We took off, and quickly got on the highway because that road was going to take us almost straight to the fundraiser. We talked casually the whole time. The speed limit was 70mph and Kimi was going about 80mph, which was pretty reasonable if you consider the speed at which cars were flying by us. People don’t really seem to respect speed limits in the US, at least, not where we were.

About ten minutes in, it happened. I have to admit, I was looking down at my phone, playing a mindless game to pass time. But, I looked up right before the impact and saw everything clearly.

In the moment that I looked up, I realized the car in front us was way too close, but I didn’t process it. I had confidence in Kimi. Time seemed to slow right before we hit, but I still wasn’t worried. I can remember the second before like it lasted a minute. I didn’t have time for panic to set in because the next thing I saw was all white.

I know that nitrogen gas is what is created when airbags deploy. But, in that moment that is not what you are thinking about. When all you can see is all white, you wonder if you are dead for that spilt second before the gas starts to clear. Then you begin to process. There was glass everywhere where the airbag had deployed and hit the windshield. I was thankful to be wearing a suit so there was no glass in my skin.

But, I had bigger problems than glass. I was hurting. I was hurting more than I normally hurt from a crash in F1 at potentially 2x the speed. My whole body ached. My chest burned from where the seatbelt had locked to keep me from flying forward. My face was tender from the impact of the airbag. There were tears streaming down my face but I didn’t even know I was crying.

The time between the actually crash and me speaking could have been 10 seconds, or it could have been 2 minutes. I don’t know how long it took me to come to my senses.

Regardless, I said Kimi’s name, still crying. I could now taste the blood running down my face from my nose. I turned my neck enough to look at him, choking back more tears when I saw him. His eyes were closed, and his face was badly bruised.

I called 911 on my phone and used all the energy I had to tell them my general location. I could barely speak. I looked out of the side window of the car for the first time to see where we were, the front being smashed. We weren’t in the way of incoming traffic, but we must have spun off halfway into a forest because we were now facing the wrong way.

Every time a car rushed past at 70+ mph, I felt a ringing in my ears. It was the most terrible feeling. I looked over at kimi. I now felt enough strength to take off my seatbelt, so I did and I reached over to him. I tried to talk to him but he was still non responsive, so I took his hand and begged him to be okay. His black suit could be filling with blood and I wouldn’t be able to see it. I was in more pain physically and mentally than I had ever felt in my life.

I heard a knock on the door and looked up. Unable to muster enough strength to open it, I just click the unlock button on the side of the door. I looked through the window and saw Daniel Ricciardo’s face. He looked more worried than I had ever seen him.

He opened up the door. “Seb!” he said with a look of extreme concern on his face “what happened?!”

“I don’t know,” responded. “Help me out. I’m hurt, but not hurt enough to not go around and try to help Kimi”.

“Is he not awake?”

“No, he hasn’t said a word to me”. I’m still choking out my words. Every word takes effort.

“You’re sure you want me to help you out? If you’re badly injured I don’t want you to move and make it worse,” Daniel tells me.

“Help me out or I’ll get out myself”. These are the firmest words I’ve said in the last few minutes.

“Fine”. He first grabs my hands, then hugs me to help me stand. He supports me as we walk around the car, and I get my first look from the outside. I wince when I see the damage to the car and the skid marks on the road. There is no way this car will ever drive again. “How did you even find me?” I ask.

“There was a bright red Ferrari in the trees”.

“Oh, yes. We are easily spotted,” I say with no emotion at all. Daniel opens up the door for me on the other side and I fall to my knees in front of kimi, Daniel still supporting me. I start crying all over again because the sight is too much for me. I place my head on his chest and try to speak to him between sobs. At that moment the police show up.

I collapse to the ground. Within the next minute the ambulance arrives and they lift me off the ground. I can see them pulling Kimi out of the car. They cut off my suit, and even though it was probably already ruined, it still pains me because I know how expensive it is. The car and the suit both gone. They should be the least of my concerns, but right now they just seemed to add insult to injury. I fall asleep before we reach the hospital, too tired to carry on.

The next day I wake up in a hospital bed and a hospital gown. Everything hurts. It hurts to move my arms, my legs, and it even hurts to open and close my eyes. Breathing is just as painful as the rest. I think about the headlines this has probably made and wince again.

When the nurse sees that I have woken up she asks me if I would be okay with seeing a few people. She tells me my condition is stable, but the next couple of weeks will be painful. I say I will be fine with seeing people, but I want to know how Kimi is doing first.

She responds with a frown. “He took injuries similar to yours, but the airbag managed to strike him in the head, so he sustained head injuries as well. That’s why he was not responding while you stayed awake. He will be perfect fully okay, but his recovery time will probably be several weeks, and he will not be awake very much at the beginning”.

I think a second before responding. Honestly, looking at him in the car, I expected news far worse than that. I have a small smile on my face that hurts to make and respond with new tears rolling down my cheeks. “Thank God. I thought I had lost him.”

“Oh, and I thought you should know. The accident was not his fault. The truck he crashed into was being driven by a drunk driver, who had stopped so abruptly even someone like Kimi couldn’t have stopped. The driver had tried to drive away but ended up spinning himself as well about a mile down the road”.

I feel relief wash over me. “Thank you. Can I see the visitors now?”

“Of course, let me tell them you are awake. They have been here all night”.

I wonder exactly who it is. Probably Daniel, but who else? My questions are soon answered when Daniel, Valtteri, Lewis, and Max all burst into the room. Apparently, then weren’t far behind me on the road. When they hear me talking they all start crying tears of joy, and I can’t help but join in. I’m not really sure how I can still be crying.

This situation has taught me how precious life is. I lie here in my hospital bed writing this and I am so thankful to still be here. I am even more thankful that Kimi is still here. I appreciate every little thing so much more now. The what ifs don’t bother me anymore, they don’t have power.