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It's rare, but there's occasionally a break in the snow.
Red knows that a pause in the constant downpour of ice doesn't actually mean it's any warmer, no. It's deceptive in the way, actually, fooling anyone who dares to scale the mountain into thinking they might be safe in the elements for just a little bit longer, tricking them with promises of an ascent that's just a tiny bit easier. This is actually when most of the more severe injuries happen, Red has learned. It's always his fear that he'll one day find someone who comes up here on one of these days, they'll battle, and later he'll find them dead in a snowdrift somewhere. It has yet to happen, but the worry is always there, because he doesn't want anyone to die.
He doesn't want any pain at all, in fact.
"You need to be more careful," Espeon chides, her voice ethereal and floating through psychic energy into his mind.
"I know." Red is laying in the snow right now.
"I mean it."
"I know."
Red continues to lay there in relative silence. Espeon is always the first one to speak anymore.
"I'm worried about you, Red."
And that's usually what she says.
"I know."
"Your hands are turning red."
"Because it's cold."
"That's dangerous, Red. You don't want to get frostbitten, do you?"
"I don't care."
"Red!"
He opens his eyes to look at her at last. She always looks worried anymore, because as of late, Red has been... dangerous. Not to his Pokémon, no, but to himself. He feels overwhelmed. He feels lost. He feels like the world is too much but somehow nothing at all, so far away. He doesn't even know when this feeling started. He's not actively doing anything to hurt himself, but - well, maybe this constitutes as that, maybe this counts as self-harm, he's not sure but he's not even sure he cares to find out. Everything just feels empty. It's not that he's necessarily trying to die, no, but he just doesn't care anymore, he's disillusioned with his life as a whole. He never truly believed his life was great up here, but it's all just falling apart piece by piece, and the realization has set in painfully.
In living up here, Red has lost almost everything.
Red gets up off the snow at last, and wordlessly he and Espeon head back into the cave. He's quick to strip out of his icy clothes, into something dry, then he sends Charizard out and lets him heat the rocky space. He thinks Green said he was coming over today, either today or tomorrow, Red lost count of the days. He used to count even the minutes to Green's arrivals up here, but as he's been visiting less and less frequently, he's been paying less and less attention to him. Oh, when he's here, yes, Red is all over his best friend, and he's been fighting more and more every time Green tries to leave. He's been murmuring under his breath, then begging, crying for Green to just stay here with him, don't go back down please I miss you -
Green has an actual life, though, a real existence, he doesn't live like a ghost and he can't stay here.
"Red, you need to go back down."
"No."
Espeon curls into his lap and looks up at him. "I want you to understand I'm coming from a place of fear when I say this; you need to go back down."
"So am I. I'm not going."
Even to his Pokémon, Red's answers have been getting shorter and shorter. He just feels miserable. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to go back down. He doesn't want to come back to the gaze of the public, those neurotic stares, the eyes that stalk his every move. The longer he stays up here, the more of a spectacle he's going to make, but going back down now is going to be a death sentence. In the few times he's asked Crystal about this (somehow he's always too scared to ask Green), the speculation about him only grows and morphs out of control, into this ridiculous caricature of what he really is, and some part of him is both afraid of letting everyone down. More than that, he's afraid of being scolded, accosted for not living up to this fantastic exaggeration of himself. There's a small few people in this world who know the truth, he's not this stoic facade he tried to be, and while he did make his bed he doesn't want to lie in it.
There's also the matter of Team Rocket, but that's something else altogether.
He's terrified of them still. He was when he first realized the scope of what they were, when he found their hideout in Celadon City. He realized this was more than a few crooks; this was a whole operation, yes, hundreds or even thousands of criminals all banded together under Giovanni himself. There was nothing he could tell himself in that moment to calm down from the panic, but he trekked on, fought on, and now hero is a label people have attached to him. Hero is not a word that suits him, though, and he's sure Giovanni knows this, he's sure the rest of Team Rocket knows this, and he's sure that's why there was Rocket activity just outside Pallet Town two weeks after he became champion. They followed him, they had been looking for him, and there's no reason they won't still be trying to hunt him down.
Then there's Cinnabar, but he's not going to get into that.
"Red?"
There's Green.
It's customary anymore for Red to leap up from whatever he's doing (warming up, in today's case) and run into Green's arms anymore, hug his friend once again, because now he's worried that Green may be too strong of a reason to stay up here. He's safe here, perfectly safe, but Green has been visiting less and less frequently, and he's downright terrified that Green might be getting sick of him.
"I missed you." He's already in tears, already overwhelmed from his spinning thoughts.
"I missed you too, Red." Green always allows this, always holds him close, always keeps him warm. Green will hold him this for an hour if it takes Red that long to calm down. "Are you okay?"
"No."
Through his tears, Red can see both his Pokémon looking downcast, but Green forces this comforting smile; a fake smile, he's not happy to see Red in this state, but he's trying to keep the air just a little bit lighter with everything he can.
"Wanna sit down for a bit?" Red nods, and with just as much grace as usual, Green leads him over to the pile of blankets Green has accumulated for him over the years, and suddenly it's warm. "You look like you're freezing, Red. You overworking yourself again?"
"Yeah." The truth is so much worse. The truth is that he's trying to see if something, anything can convince him to go home. He doesn't want to go home. He doesn't want to be in danger. He doesn't want to bring danger to anyone. He doesn't want to go home, but Green is slipping away from him, his hugs are becoming less frequent, it's been far too long since he's seen his mom laugh and smile and he hasn't felt her too-tight hug in ages, he hasn't even seen a picture of Pallet Town since he came up here, Pikachu has been urging him to go back down so he can play outside again without the constant threat of freezing -
Everyone hates you for this.
"Red? Red, it's alright, calm down..."
He can't though, because he knows he's right. No one would be able to forgive someone for abandoning them for six years at this point. No one. Not his Pokémon, not his mom, not even Green.
"Red..."
He can't compose any thoughts anymore. He sobs into Green's neck until he feels completely empty, shaking and shuddering from not the cold but from this overwhelming hurt.
"...hey, Red." Green's voice is so soft, it's exactly what Red needs to hear right now.
"...hi." He can barely choke that out.
"You feel any warmer?"
"Yeah."
"Do you need some hot water?"
"No."
Green holds Red's hands himself, because he can't exactly trust Red's input when he's like this. "...I think you do."
"I'm fine."
Green hugs Red tight. "Well, I'm gonna get some anyway. I don't want your hands to fall off, and I don't think you do, either."
"They're not that bad."
"I know, so we're gonna keep it that way."
Either something in Green's voice is wrong, or Red is just too worked up.
And suddenly Green is moving away -
"No!"
He feels like he could shatter all over again. Red can barely catch his breath.
"What? What's wrong?" Green knows, he has to know, and yet he's talking like he has no idea whatsoever.
"Don't go anywhere!"
Green stands up, pulling Red off the ground with him, and Red almost feels like he could fall over in an instant. He feels like he will fall over, but Green is supporting him, the way he's done in every other weak moment of Red's life, even when his fears were too much and too intimate to tell his own mom about.
"Red, I do need to get some water to warm you up - or at least cook you dinner," Green hums softly, comfortingly, but today the comfort doesn't reach Red, something is just wrong. "Do you wanna come with me?"
Now the comfort reaches him, though something is still wrong. Red nods numbly and follows Green to the lake, a bucket in one of Green's hands, Red's hand in the other.
"Are you having an off day today?" Green asks, his voice barely echoing.
"I guess."
The water sloshing sounds so much louder when they're nearly whispering like this. "It's okay. You're safe up here, right?"
"...right."
That makes his heart drop to his stomach, because Green has never said that before. He has to be overthinking, he has to be reading too much into this, his mind has to be reeling, but somehow he doesn't believe that he's just being paranoid.
Green is holding the bucket handle with two hands now, and Red opts to grip the sleeve of Green's jacket, just in case.
"So, I brought up a bunch of soup fixin's," Green says once they return to the heat of Red's hideout, "so once we make sure you're all warmed up, I'll prob'ly use the rest of the water for that. I dunno how many days in a row you've had fried rice and teriyaki. You ever learn how to cook anything else?"
"Stir-fry."
"Isn't that rice?"
"Noodles."
"Oh," Green sounds pleasantly surprised. "Good job! I'm proud of you."
Why is he almost crying again? "Thank you."
Green notices Red's feelings, even when Red can't decipher them himself. "There's nothin' to be upset about, okay? I don't mind cooking for you. It's nice to have a change of food every now and again, isn't it?"
"...right."
Green is already heating the water by Charizard's tail, having done this often enough to know just what to do. "Where's that towel you use? I wanna get that on your hands so you can warm up while I cook."
"It's not that bad."
"And I told you, Red, we're gonna keep it that way." He sounds so sweet, so innocuous.
"...I'll find it."
Why does Red feel like he's drowning? Red almost rushes to get the towel, as if looking away from Green will make him disappear, and he darts back to Green's side and hugs him from behind, just to make sure he's still there.
"Woah! Don't knock me over now, Red, or we'll have to get more water in here," he laughs, but the lightness fades when Red doesn't let go. "It's okay, Red."
Red pulls away and crawls back over to the blankets. He's being stupid. He's being overbearing. He knows he needs to let Green go, he knows Green doesn't want to succumb to living up here. Maybe that's why he's been somewhat more absent lately, maybe that's why he stopped coming up every week and started coming every few weeks, every month, still visiting but not nearly often enough for Red's comfort. He at least has some comfort in that Green has been writing him letters, but lately Green has only been getting replies half the time, because half the time Red can't find a way to say the words he wants to say.
I love you. He's not sure if it's true or if he's just lonely.
"Here, hold out your hands, Red." Green is so close. He's so far away. "There we go. You can prob'ly take that off by the time dinner's ready, okay?"
"I know."
Green chuckles a bit. "Yeah, I guess I don't have to tell you how to take care of yourself, huh?" Pause. "Mostly."
Mostly. Yeah, that sounds about right.
"...hey, Green?"
"Hm?"
"How long are you gonna stay here today?"
Green shrugs. "For dinner, as per usual, 'cause the weather is decent until tonight. Why do you ask?"
I don't ever want you to leave. "Just asking."
Green nods. Something in the air changes.
"I'd stay a bit longer, but it's supposed to get kinda bad soon," Green adds.
"Weather changes a lot."
"Yeah, but I don't wanna risk getting stuck up here."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Hey," Green quips, "maybe you'll get lucky and the blizzard will come sooner rather'n later, huh?"
"Yeah."
Silence. Red dabs his eyes with the towel. He doesn't know if he's still crying, crying anew, or if his face is just still damp.
"Have you been okay, Red?"
No. "Yeah."
"You sure?"
Not at all. "Pretty sure."
"Hm." Green finishes whatever cooking stuff he's doing for now, then crawls over to sit across from Red. "You seem a lot more down than usual. I know you have your off-days, but - "
"I'm fine!" Red yells, because he wants to believe that himself, he doesn't want to believe he's getting worse with each passing day, he doesn't want to believe that every departure hurts more than the last. "Everything is fine."
Green takes Red's hat off his head and sets it aside, strokes his face in the way that comforts him when he's this worked up. "Everything's okay, Red, okay? I promise."
No it's not. "Okay."
Green brushes Red's bangs away and kisses his forehead, so lightly that Red wonders if he's dreaming. It's a very particular gesture, really. It's something Green started doing a few months after Red started it, in the dead of night, when he thought Green was asleep and maybe he could get away with sating his curiosity without having to explain himself, but Green woke up, and things were awkward for a time, then they were just natural, too natural for friends but not natural enough to share unspoken thoughts and feelings.
And it hurts, because it feels so blissful for only a second, then his hopes drown, because he always waits for an I love you to follow the kiss. It never does.
"It's okay."
That's usually what follows. That's usually what Green thinks Red needs to hear.
Truly, Red needs to know if there's any chance at reciprocity, because Green hasn't shown any romantic inclination for him, only reciprocity of Red's own curious gestures, his own experimental touches and sighs and brushes of skin against skin. Red can start, and Green will follow, but there's no point if Green doesn't feel the same. This is the truest form of self-torture, of allowing this to happen when he knows it's hopeless, he's done for, there's no such thing as love here no matter how desperately and how painfully he aches for it -
"Go away."
Green never listens when he says that. "What do you really want, Red?"
Love me love me love me - "I dunno."
"Is there anything I can do?"
Love me love me - "No."
"What's bothering you?"
Love me - "I dunno."
"...are you just wearing yourself out?"
Love me!
"...I think so."
Green puts Red's hat back on his head, and the moment is over, his chance is gone, and Red decides that this must mean he's wholly unlovable if not even Green can find it in his heart to love him. "You want me to cook something that's a bit faster? You probably need to eat, right?"
He did actually eat today, but he feels like he's going to puke. "No."
"You sure?"
"I feel like I'm gonna throw up." At least he can be honest about that.
"Shoot. Lemme - "
" - a-and I don't think I actually will," Red continues quickly, "I-I just... feel gross."
"Is your stomach hurting, or are you more nauseous?"
I feel gross because I know you don't really like me. "Dunno. Both?"
"...you have any other buckets around here?" Red gestures to the upper part of the cavern, too weak to try and even move himself. "I'll be right back."
Green hoists himself up on a deep foothold and disappears into the darkness.
He's getting sick of you, you know.
It's a thought that's often passed through Red's mind, one he's been trying to ignore for as long as he's had it. He feels gross, sick, he feels desolated. Red can feel himself falling apart under his own thoughts, but nothing hurts as much as that one little line, because it's never the same old shit. His fears and apprehensions about going home, yes, those are always the same. It's this thought, though, that suffocates him and urges him to lay in the snow until he freezes over.
Green could just stop coming up here, really. If he were really that sick of Red, he could just stop visiting, stop writing, and that would be the end of it. Red would die up here, and Green would never have to think of him again. That's always been Red's thinking, but then Green actually did start to stop, he's been here less often, and while he's been writing in lieu of visiting, there's also this horrifying realization that his letters have been shorter; sweet, still warm, but short, and it's this realization that makes the warmth so much harder to take in. It's the fact that Green can - has - been thriving without Red, and Red's barely been surviving. Green talks about his gym, about Crystal and Ethan and Silver and Lyra, he talks about his research and his slowly mending relationship with Professor Oak, he talks about all sorts of good, warm things in his life, and Red has nothing to offer in return. All he can offer is that he's alive.
For now.
"Red?"
Red looks up. Green found the bucket, but he looks troubled.
"What?"
"You have a lot of stuff up there." Red nods. "Why do you keep it up there?"
Red bites his tongue, but only for a moment, because Green sits next to him again and his resolve dies. "Safe."
"Yeah." Green moves back to the soup he's making and Red feels himself shatter at even this much distance. "It's safe in this part of the cave too, y'know."
Red can't place what Green's tone is, but again, it's unusual for him to say that, it's unusual for him to agree that Red is safe here, because doing that is admitting defeat. "Yeah."
"...I kinda thought you'd... never mind."
"What?" His heart is racing for a moment, a dose of panic that sets his adrenaline into this muted overdrive.
"Nah, I'm... being ridiculous."
"Green, please."
Green only speaks after a long pause. "I thought you'd have the pokéball pillow down here, 'cause you said you loved it when I brought it up for your birthday."
Oh. "I do."
"Right."
Wait, is that what he's so worked up about? Maybe Red wasn't clear enough. "I go up there when I wanna feel safe."
"Oh," Green sighs with just a trace of relief. "Isn't it safe here, too?"
"You don't usually say that."
Silence. The soup is starting to smell done by the time Green says anything else.
"I'm glad you still let me visit, Red."
"Of course."
"I mean, it'd be easy to pick up and move where I wouldn't find ya," he laughs a bit, but it's forced and bitter.
"Why would I?"
"Dunno. Just... you could, but I appreciate that you don't. I appreciate that a lot."
Red feels even more sick now. "Do you want me to?"
"No, no! I'm saying I'm always scared that you will. I don't want you to go somewhere where I can't find you again."
Again, and Red starts crying anew, weakly, because he's already so drained but still so, so full of something so, so overwhelming.
"...sorry."
"It's okay. I'm just glad I got to see you again."
That sounds so finite.
"And you can keep seeing me."
"Yeah."
This feels wrong.
"...I'm not hungry, Green."
"That's alright. You can eat whenever you're ready."
"What's wrong?!"
Green jumps back, because no, it's not normal for Red to actually shout. "Wait, what?"
What's wrong? His voice is gone from that shout, so unused to itself that it shut down.
"What do you mean?"
Red curls up, taking a moment to find his voice. Oh, he can sign, yes, he can write, he can even use his own nonverbal language, but he likes Green, he likes that he can talk to Green, so whenever he's able to, he wants to, needs to use his voice.
"...you're acting weird."
"What do you mean?"
It's a lot of little things, but he can only cite one. "You don't usually let me not eat."
"Well, usually you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, Red."
"...still."
"I don't want you to get sick. Do you?"
Yes, because you wouldn't leave if I got sick. "No."
"So just take the time you need, okay? Just eat something before I head back home."
I'll starve if that keeps you here. "Okay."
Green again moves toward Red, and even though he feels lighter with him this near, somehow he feels heavier, too, knowing the distance will become too far again in the end. "I need you to tell me what's wrong, now."
Everything. "Nothing."
"Red, you're not that good at lying."
You didn't notice until just now. "I know."
"Please tell me what's wrong, Red." His voice carries an earnest concern. "I hate seeing you like this."
Red just break and holds Green again, the towel falling away. He doesn't need its heat. He doesn't even need his hands, he doesn't need his life, he just needs Green, and then everything will be fine.
Green, however, doesn't need Red, and that kills him.
"Red, please..." Green holds him, but eventually he's going to let go, and that makes Red want to catch hypothermia right now so that he can die by Green's side and just end his anxiety and everything else. "Red..."
"I just missed you."
"...I missed you too." Green definitely doesn't believe him, but what else is he supposed to say? I love you would only chase him off.
"...I'm hungry."
"You sure?" Red nods. "You're not just saying this because I said you should eat eventually, right?" Another nod. "Alright. Give it two more minutes, then I'll serve it up, okay? I even remembered to bring bowls this time, so we don't need to eat out of a metal bucket."
That wasn't so bad last time. They kept laughing over how ridiculous the situation was. It was nice. It was warm. It was home. Green is home.
Well, he's not at his home, no; Green is Red's home.
Red manages to eat, yes, but they're eating in relative silence today. Red eats as slowly as he can. Maybe if he never finishes, if he leaves a drop or two left in the bowl, maybe then he can keep Green here forever, but truth be told, he doesn't want to take Green away from the world. That's selfish, cruel, that's a horrible thing for him to consider. Green's entire life is back down this mountain, back in Viridian City, in Kanto, in the land of the living, and Red feels that he's anything but alive right now. Desperate and anxious and and in love, but not alive, not when Green is gone.
"...are you not as hungry as you thought, Red?"
"Yeah."
"That's alright. I'll leave all this stuff with you so you can have more when you're ready."
He's being understanding; he's been understanding for years, he's calmed about the whole thing and been sweet and soft and careful, but today he seems defeated, today Red feels like he's won, he's won just as triumphantly as he won against Team Rocket and the very first Indigo League Champion when they were ten.
It seems like victory precedes all his worst nightmares.
"...Green?"
"Hm?"
"Hug me."
Green shuffles over and takes Red into his arms. This hurts. This hurts. He loves him so much, but he can't even say that if he knows it would chase Green away. This hurts this hurts this hurts -
"Red?"
Love me love me love me -
"Red..."
I love you I love you I love you -
"Red, please!"
The startled shout Red lets out sounds more like a sob, or maybe it is a sob, maybe he's falling apart and digging his nails into Green because he really, really, really doesn't want to let go. He has to leave eventually, though, he always does, and it's cruel for Red to try to keep him here. This isn't Green's home - hell, this isn't a home. This is just a hole of anxiety and depression that Red can't bring himself to escape. He's being swallowed whole by this mountain, and he doesn't want to leave, doesn't want to face the world, but this seems to be where he's going to die, and he's going to die without Green.
"Red."
Again, Green kisses his forehead, a gesture that will never mean what Red wants it to mean.
"It's okay."
Please say you love me.
"...I'm sorry, Green."
"It's okay, Red."
It's not.
Green pulls Red back into the hug, running his fingers through Red's hair, petting him in the way that makes him melt, but it doesn't calm him today. This has to end. All good things must come to an end.
Maybe it's been another hour, or another three, but when Green speaks it's far too soon.
"I gotta go home, Red."
Tears come quietly this time. "I know."
"Can you let go of me, please?"
Another three minutes pass.
"Red."
And he lets go.
And Green is crying, too.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
And Green follows that with the words Red has heard so often before.
"Are you coming back with me?"
And Red answers how he always has.
"No."
Today, though, Green kills him in cold blood.
"I'm not coming back, you know."
No. No, he didn't hear that right. He had to have misheard that.
"...what?"
Green smiles, he smiles with this fake amusement, this fake lightness, it's so wrong because he's crying too, but he still, still smiles. "You heard me."
"No I didn't." No. "No I didn't!"
Red tries to throw himself on Green, and he expects the same hug, and he expects Green to be joking, cruelly joking, but he pushes Red back.
No.
No.
"I can't keep fucking doing this, Red," and he's still smiling when he speaks, but he's certainly crying. "I can't keep coming back here and asking you to come home, a-and I can't keep taking your answer. This is killing me."
No no no no nonono -
"I can't keep doing this, Red."
You can't do this -
"Are you coming home, Red?"
I love you!
"...no." Why? Why not? What is he even doing anymore?!
Green actually laughs, then sobs, fluttering between this juxtaposition, shaking as if he were freezing. "I know. I'm sorry I always pester you about that, but I thought maybe you'd come back one day."
One day, but it's not today. Red is frozen in place.
"I figured maybe you'd wanna come back with me. I have an apartment in Viridian City, you know."
One day.
"You could always go back to Pallet and stay with your mom. She misses you like crazy."
One day.
"Are you coming home?"
But not today.
"No."
He hears hail starting to fall, and Green pulls himself to his feet, pulls Red's will to even live up with him. "That's... You're safe here, right?"
This isn't okay. "Yeah."
"So you'll still be here if I come back up, right?"
If. Not when, but if, and Red could die here.
"...yes."
"Okay."
Silence. Green is standing there, and then he starts to leave, and when Red jumps up and runs after him, Green starts running, too.
"Wait!"
Green doesn't stop until he's at the entrance - no, the exit to the cave.
"What?" The first time Green left, he sounded angry. Now he just sounds like misery under a coat of ignorance, as if this isn't the end, as if this isn't where they split forever.
"Can I write you a letter?"
Green nods. "Of course. You don't gotta ask me."
Silence. The hail continues to increase.
"...weather is getting bad."
"Yeah. I gotta run." Such a casual phrase to hear in such a trembling voice.
"Can you visit me?" He asks the same question he did when they were fourteen and Green came and left the first time. "Please?"
Say okay, the way he did before, even in that angry tone. Say okay.
"I can't keep doing this, Red."
"...please?"
"I can't..."
"Please!"
"I can't keep hurting myself like this, Red." Green is whispering today, and Red is shouting, Red is digging his nails into Green's wrists, trying to hold him here, instead of Green trying to drag him back home.
"Don't go!"
"You fucking idiot!"
How is Green still smiling when he says that?
"Do you know how much this hurts, Red?"
This, being years and years and years of asking, bribing, begging Red to come home, and every time the answer is a simple no.
"This is killing me, Red. You mean so much to me, trust me, you mean the world to me, but I can't keep doing this."
His smile finally shatters. Red isn't doing much better, though.
"...I'll keep writing to you, okay?"
I don't want to write to you. "Okay."
"You need to let go."
I don't want you to leave me. "Okay."
"...Red, please."
I want you to love me.
Red's hands fall away. This is it.
"...are you coming home?"
"No." Then Red whispers something he's never, ever said in any of these departures. "I'm sorry."
"I know." No it's okay this time, because it's not okay, this isn't okay, the second Green leaves Red is jumping off this fucking mountain and breaking his skull open.
Green actually kisses Red, holds their lips together for just a minute, holds Red's hand gingerly in this, and Red can't even muster the strength to grip his hand back.
Say it say it say it -
"Be safe, Red."
No.
Green sends his Charizard out.
No!
And he's off.
"No." No. "No, no, no..."
Red can't see him anymore, and now, in living up here, Red has lost everything.
"No!"
Red will never see him again, and if that's the case, Red doesn't have a single reason to live anymore.
"Green!"
No answer. He's already gone. Red sinks to his knees in the storm, windswept and frozen.
"I love you!"
No answer.