Archive of Our Own ^beta

Iwaizumi´s ears hear the running water and the door shutting loudly after he helped it with his foot. Everything else turned to muffled nothing. Frantically, he looks for the key to lock himself in, to drown the sorrow of his incapability to move on. The key is nowhere to be seen. He sighs. Of course, it´s a public bathroom. Iwaizumi needs the water to cleanse his face, his pain. The smell of mint soap hovers over his nose. He hates mint. He hates its pleasant scent, he hates the whole place being surprisingly lovely and clean. He curses, he hates, he feels.

The tremor in his hands isn´t going away anytime soon. Iwaizumi swears over his patheticness. What would the two of them say? The first one on his mind walks right in, closing the door, soft and gentle, the opposite of Hajime´s earlier outburst. He is sure and confident, the embodiment of Daichi Sawamura. 

"Iwaizumi."

"Sawamura." Iwaizumi checks the stalls for possible intruders.

"No one will come in. I made sure of it." Daichi gives him a pitiful look, Iwaizumi averts his gaze. Disgusting. Again and again. He should get a grip already.

"You know I don´t judge you, right?" Daichi keeps his distance.  "But we finally won, and your reaction is always the same. I thought the win might change it. After the winning point, I tried to-"

"No, Sawamura." Iwaizumi shakes his head and heads to the door. "It doesn´t matter."

"It does," Daichi grabs his forearm in a tight clutch.

Iwaizumi wishes to tell him to let go, but if he did say it, it would be a blatant lie. "I can´t."

"Can´t what?"

"You know what."

"Do I?" Daichi lets his arm fall down. Iwaizumi stays, reluctantly. "You never really told anyone. Since we are on the same college team, you disappear after every training session, practice match, or the competition. It´s tiring."

Iwaizumi tears up. Hajime´s heart fastens its wings like a million bees on the loose. "I don´t want that."

"What?"

Iwaizumi´s eyesight gets misty. Everything is blurry, Hajime´s arms look for support. Daichi helps him to get down on his jacket to keep clean, joining him on the floor.

"I never really told you?" Iwaizumi is sure he had to explain at least once. Or was it just his wish and dream?

"You tried. You did." Daichi reaches for Hajime´s forearm, hesitating.

"The injury, the crash, I remember it so vividly. The first time seeing it on the news. He was just drafted. He got what he wanted, and he lost in a blink of an eye. I lost it." Daichi nods. "I figured it has to do with him. I simply don´t get how. If it affected only me, I wouldn´t ask." Daichi gives him the same look as before. Iwaizumi wants to smile. He gets it now. It´s not pity, and it never was. It´s the utmost care, and he cherishes it.

"It affects the whole team. I know." Iwaizumi finishes the sentence and sobs as never before.

"Hajime," Daichi murmurs, letting out thousands of swans spreading their wings over Iwaizumi´s body to guard his mourning soul.

"Are you sure no one will come in?" Iwaizumi checks the door by his side again.

Daichi smiles. "Bokuto and Kuroo are guarding it."

"That doesn´t sound safe at all."

Daichi frowns. "Yep, it doesn´t." They laugh shortly, sweetly.

When the emptiness comes back, Iwaizumi is ready to talk. "He was so proud. Of everything, he put his 100% in. I was so proud, particularly if he couldn´t see it. He was especially proud of others if they put in their 100%." Iwaizumi shuts his eyes, flooded with memories. "It haunts me. Win or lose. I never understood it, but I never wanted him to stop either. I tried so hard to punch some sense into him if I felt him slipping. I tried the same as him when it happened. Then I tried so much more, for him, for me, for us." Iwaizumi´s eyes open in a search for another world for his best friend. "I can´t. After every match, the win, the loss, great performance, my body automatically looks for him in the midst of the team, the crowd. I look for his… stupidly smug and smiling and – proud face. I don´t see it, I can´t see it." Iwaizumi steals a glance at Sawamura. "I am sorry to burden you like this. It´s not fair to you."

"No." Daichi makes a low, sad chuckle. "It´s also not fair to you."

Hajime´s body shakes, he needs to move, and so he gets up, losing the balance for a bit. Daichi follows him.

"I want to feel that pride. To feel like he´s still with me on the court in some way. To live the dream, partially for him."

Daichi nods again. Iwaizumi can´t tell if he truly understands, but he wishes it be so. "What can I do to help?" Daichi picks his jacket back up.

"I´m not sure." Iwaizumi inhales. "I want to feel it. I often can, but it disappears like a wave, followed by a crash on the shore." Iwaizumi locks eyes with Daichi, puts his palms on his cheeks. "I need to be proud, for us. I need to be a great leader you can be proud of. Not only as a team. I need to keep that pride with me. When I look for the face I long to see, I hope to find only you. Tooru wouldn´t want it any differently. After all, he was our biggest fan."

Daichi raises an eyebrow. "Of course. He set us up."

Iwaizumi nods, then pulls his fiancé close to his lips. Before they collide, Hajime breathes him in, thankful for the understanding and patience of this man of his. Daichi Sawamura is a dream which came to life, setting itself in stone like Excalibur only for Iwaizumi to pull out.

"I want to see only your proud face as we win, lose, who knows what," Hajime whispers late at night in their bed. "I want to be proud, I want to keep it, I want to-"

Daichi holds him tight. "I know. I´ll be there."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

Pride is a thing which can be good, bad, and never black and white. When Iwaizumi fought against his ego and spoke aloud his pain, being listened to and loved anyway, the pressure eased.

And when the time for another match came, regardless of the outcome, Iwaizumi stood his ground, staring right at Daichi, at least a bit proud he didn´t run this time.

They smile at each other amongst the celebrating players, hugging one another, kissing at the edge of the realms.

The first step is made.

"I adore you, Hajime. I admire you."

Hajime giggles, knowing very well no reply is necessary.