Chapter Text
Elain’s stomach did somersaults as her horse trotted along the gravel roads the next day.
Vassa had wanted to show her how they were rebuilding, and though Lucien had told her that she didn’t need to venture into that territory if she didn’t want to, Elain had taken the queen up on her offer.
Difficult though it may be, the last time Elain had seen this place, it had been in ruins, and though this land hadn’t always been kind to her, Elain couldn’t bear to have that image permanently burned into her brain.
They rode through the battlefield, chunks of scorched earth still littering it.
“We’ve tried everything, but whatever the Cauldron and Amren did, these patches of land may never recover. We’re still trying to figure out what to put here, because it needs some sort of memorial, but we’ve had to devote all of our funds to just rebuilding people’s lives,” Jurian responded, Vassa trailing behind them in firebird form.
She had wanted to go while it was still light out, to give Elain the full experience, yet that meant sacrificing her voice and relying on her companion to communicate with Elain.
Elain nodded. “If you need any ideas, I don’t have too much experience, but I’ve been dabbling in floral design for awhile now. I’m not sure what exactly to do with those soiled patches, but perhaps you could cover them in stones, to remember those lost. How are you getting the money to rebuild?”
“Honestly, we have no support from the continent. We’ve had to go through the possessions of those less fortunate who didn’t make it out. It pains my heart to see so many of their legacies lost, but the King of Hybern was very unkind when he demolished the countryside. Entire families lost their lives to his wrath. All we can do is pick up the pieces and hope to better the lives of those who survived.”
“I’m truly sorry for your losses.”
“And I for yours. Your father was a good man. I didn’t know him for long, but his dedication to you and your sisters was unmatched.”
A rogue tear slid down Elain’s cheek. She decided then and there that she would not ride to that hilltop to see what had become of it. Even just being in this place was dredging up more grief than she had experienced in such a long time.
She had lost so much on that day, and though much time had passed, this place would never cease to be a sorrowful reminder.
For the first time, Elain found herself actually being glad she had become Fae and moved to Velaris. If she had to look at the remnants of war on a daily basis, she wasn’t sure how she would have healed. Vassa was even stronger than she had previously realized.
“I don’t know how you do this every day,” she murmured. “I don’t know how you rebuild without getting dragged down by the death and destruction which was wrought here.”
“It’s a struggle, but I’ve seen worse,” Jurian grimaced.
That was right. Feyre had mentioned something about his soul being imprisoned for centuries.
“How did you come back from that?”
“I fought tooth and nail every day to maintain my sanity while I was trapped in Amarantha’s ring. Funny, you always think you can close your eyes and avert your gaze from the horrors, but not when an eye is all you are. Still, those instincts never leave you, after all those years. I was forced to watch her torture. I was forced to watch her break males to her whims with her wiles. I saw too many of my friends suffer at her hands. And then I was reformed by her sovereign.
“It was all I could do to piece myself back together in those original days, to relearn how to have a body and to realize that now I had the slimmest chance to make sure that imprisonment worked to my advantage.”
“So you betrayed him.”
Jurian nodded, working his horse into a faster canter, to get over this killing field more quickly. “He seemed to have forgotten that I fought against him in the first war. So I devoted what was left of my wretched life to earning his trust and becoming a spy. Though I found that most of my old friends still believed I had gone mad and hated me for it.
“I’m sorry, by the way, for a few things. I had to tell Lord Nolan your story in order to prove to him that I was loyal to the human cause, and if it had not been for me administering you Faebane, the king might have gotten it in his head to dispose of you more quickly. I bought you time by suffocating your powers. Without them, you were merely human again to him in his mind.”
Elain’s lips pursed. “I didn’t have any power which could have threatened him like that.”
“Didn’t you?” Jurian cocked his head. “Even if you couldn’t have escaped, you could have used those powers as a seer to determine your fate and spy on the king’s plans without us knowing.”
“How did you … ?” As far as Elain knew, none of her family had ever disclosed the details of the powers she had received from the Cauldron, even to their allies.
“The Cauldron whispers many secrets, Lady. It forged you, gave you that gift. Don’t think that the king didn’t know exactly what you were capable of—and that you had an easy point of contact back in your own war camp.”
Azriel. The Cauldron had been spying on her and had reported on her silent conversations with the shadowsinger. Elain had never felt more violated, and disheartened that this was coming up only now, after all this time.
“You okay?” Lucien murmured, coaxing his mount up next to hers. “I feel …”
All her fears and frustration unconsciously shooting itself down the bond probably. She pulled her mental shields back up, to attempt to tamp that trade down.
“I didn’t know how much it knew about me. I can’t believe …” She shook her head. “I can’t believe that my life and secrets were just common knowledge.”
And that they knew that she might call in the shadowsinger who had still come for her without her asking, walking into a trap for her because she could not provide him with intel.
It was all proving to be a bit overwhelming for Elain to process.
“It’s over. We’ve defeated them, and the Cauldron has no master now.”
“It still terrifies me that even with no master, it could be spying on me as we speak, that it could know so much about me.”
“The King of Hybern was perturbingly obsessed with your family. Trust me when I say that the Cauldron itself was likely just acting on his orders to peer into your lives. The tether of creation was likely just a convenient excuse for a means to his end.”
“I can only hope.” She gulped, feeling some small amount of panic threatening to overtake her.
“Hey. Look at me.” Lucien’s voice was stern yet tender. But Elain finally caught his eye. “You are your own person, and nothing is going to take that away from you. If the Cauldron ever rears its head, we’ll handle it. I promise.”
“Thank you, Lucien.” And she meant it. She truly believed that he would go to the ends of the earth for her.
Ahead, they heard the whinnying of Jurian’s horse as well as those of the guards which had accompanied them on this outing. Apparently, even though they assured Elain that she would be perfectly safe here, they were taking no chances.
And, indeed, she could see Lord Nolan’s estate ahead of her, the source of all the kerfuffle. And in front of it, stood Graysen, and Katarina, the daughter of one of the other local lords. The two were so wrapped up in each other, that Elain hoped her party might pass entirely unnoticed.
But luck clearly was not on her side, as Graysen peered up as their procession, a sneer curling his lips.
Katarina was forced to glance up too, eyes immediately landing on Elain. “I thought you said she was dead,” she murmured under her breath, quiet enough that human ears would never pick up on her words, but Elain was not quite so lucky.
“Evidently not,” she spat back, not caring how spiteful she came off.
Graysen didn’t drop a beat though. “Come to return my ring finally, have you? I see that you don’t need it now that you’ve finally given into your instincts and ended up with that male anyways.”
“That’s enough,” Lucien snarled from his perch, looking for all the world like he was about to leap off of his horse and end Graysen for her, but Elain placed a solemn hand on his knee.
“What were those lies you told me that day? That it didn’t matter? That you loved me? Well, it looks like I made the right decision then, didn’t I?” Graysen sneered.
Elain herself didn’t hop off her horse. No—she slipped into the shadows, drawing on her Siphon as easily as breathing and appearing in Graysen’s shadow, her unsheathed dagger now at his neck.
“You didn’t deserve me,” she crooned in his ear. “You don’t deserve anyone. Not even her. I was a fool in love for pining over you for so long, but you did make the right decision that day. For me. I would’ve loved you to the ends of the earth if you had let me, but now you’ll never get the pleasure of knowing what that looks like.”
She could feel Graysen trembling beneath her blade as she kept it raised. “You”—she addressed Katarina now—“Get out of here, and don’t bother with this rubbish anymore. He’s obviously feeding you lies, just as he did me.”
The girl seemed to need no further motivation, taking off down the road as quickly as she could manage in her voluminous skirts, hopefully to the safety of her own home. Though Elain was not particularly fond of her, she wouldn’t wish Graysen upon any other woman. He was worse than scum and deserved for everyone to know that.
She wasn’t sure where all this festering hatred was coming from, but Elain relished in it. He had blinded her for so long, that if it wasn’t for her family’s persistence and love, Elain might have reached a truly dark place. Just as she was sure to do if she had married him and become trapped in that house.
“You little bitch,” Graysen spat, forcing Elain to tighten her grip on him, scenting the trickle of blood creeping down the hollow of his neck.
“Well you clearly haven’t changed much,” she sniped. “But I have. I’m stronger than you Graysen, and I don’t need you or any male in my life to complete me. I have many ways of keeping an eye on you. If I ever hear of you mistreating women anywhere ever again, I’ll make what you’ve experienced today seem tame.”
She slipped out from behind him, desperate to leave such close proximity with him. Try though she might, it was still a bit difficult to breathe in his presence.
Graysen immediately whirled on her, his eyes dropping to his sheathe in confusion as his arm was stuck firmly to his side. If he looked closer, he would see many bands of translucent shadow coiling around him, locking him in place.
Elain just gave him a knowing smirk and climbed back on her horse before telling him, “If you ever want that hateful piece of iron back, you can come up to Prythian and fish it out of the sea,” before spurring her horse onward and taking the lead as her party followed in stunned silence.
When they made it to the town square, and they all slowed, waiting on Jurian and Vassa’s direction, she finally breathed for what felt like the first time since she’d been back in that moment with Graysen.
What had come over her? She could only think that some instinctual part of her had channeled the shadowsinger who was so ingrained in her life. Those had been his powers she had called upon and threats she would normally never make, but in that moment, they had felt like her own.
She felt strong for the first time in a long time, her training paying off in leaps and bounds.
“You okay?” Lucien murmured, surely noting the slight tremors wracking her body as her adrenaline overtook her.
“Better than okay. That felt incredible.” She grinned, a bubbling laugh almost spilling out of her mouth.
“Well I knew you were strong. I’ve trained with you, but I’ve never seen anything like that. How did you do that?” He cocked his head, curiosity overcoming him. She owed him at least a bit of an explanation.
“Umm … Well, I’ve found a way to use Azriel’s shadow powers. The shadows … They seem to like me, so instead of winnowing, I can move through them. And sometimes I can make them do my bidding. Like restraining Graysen because I didn’t trust him not to attack me as we left.”
“Wow, that’s …”
“Incredible, no?”
“Something like that.” Though she was unable to avoid the hint of sadness welling in his eye as he realized this connection that he had to the other male who was competing for her heart.
“Me using his powers … It kind of feels like they’re mine. I’m not calling on him in any way, and they give me advantages I’d be hard-pressed to find elsewhere.”
“Have you even tried to search for other powers you might be able to train?”
Elain shook her head. “I don’t think it works that way for me. Perhaps I could learn to winnow one day, but my foresight powers are the only other unusual thing I can do. I feel like I would feel something else calling to me, or perhaps feel a touch of that madness which accompanied me not knowing how to handle them when I first changed, but … There’s nothing else there, Lucien, and I’m perfectly fine with that.”
“But just think about it. I’ve gotten more powers over the years. Usually fire related, but when we were in Hybern, something else overtook me entirely. I still haven’t figured out what it was.”
“You’re a High Lord’s son, Lucien. It makes sense that you would find yourself becoming more powerful as you age. I was made into this form. The Cauldron gave me one gift. One. And I’m doing my best with what I’ve been given. And moreover, I’m happy for the first time in a very long time.”
“Fair enough,” Lucien admitted, though Elain could feel that he was still somewhat unsatisfied with her answers, most likely because of the source of her borrowed powers. He’d have to get over it because there was no way she would give them up just to appease him.
The shadows comforted her in the long, dark hours of the morning. Though of a questionable nature, they had been there for her, whispering in her ears and empowering her since that day in the garden.
Most of the rest of the day was spent in silence between them, with Jurian babbling as he showed her the estates which had been lost, and the new small houses which had been built from their riches.
She found herself tearing up as they passed her father’s estate, but she’d had an idea of what she would find when they came upon it. All except the foyer and the sitting room had been demolished to rubble, so it was only practical that those pieces would be picked up so new life could bloom here.
And indeed, in front of one of the wooden houses lining the enormous lot, she spied children running around with twigs for swords. Playing. And she was glad that all the death which had taken place here was not overshadowing their lives.
When they had completed visiting that village and the few surrounding, one containing their awful hovel which another unfortunate family was occupying—she had gifted them a hefty bag of gold—they turned back to the Band’s manor house, solemnly taking the strides in silence.
What she had seen was truly impressive, but it didn’t go over her head that this was all indirectly her fault. The King of Hybern had targeted these people to spite Elain and her sisters, and a cool sense of calm overwhelmed her.
It was only when the sun began to droop and Vassa changed back into her human form that they gradually eased back into conversation.
Dinner and drinks went mostly the same as they had the previous evening, with Vassa leading the charge and holding the company together, but in the back of her mind, Elain began to doubt what she was doing here. The day had been an enormous emotional strain—boasting the highest highs but also some pretty low lows.
She had dealt with Graysen, all by herself, with no males or Nesta sticking up for her in her place, but she had been forced to see destruction of her own bringing and had hit a snag with Lucien. She was beginning to doubt whether she belonged here and whether or not she should just slip out like a ship in the night when a light rapping sounded from her bedroom door.
She knew it was Lucien without having to open the door, but she did so all the same.
“Mind if I come in?” he asked hesitantly.
“Sure.” Elain led him further inward before seating herself on the mattress. Though the room was nice, it was still the only piece of furniture in here meant to relax upon.
He trailed in her wake, never coming too close and giving her a questioning look before deciding that he would be allowed on her bed.
“I’m sorry about what I said earlier this afternoon,” he breathed. “It’s unfair of me to expect that you have no connections to him. I know what he means to you, and I’d feel pretty shitty if you just cut me out of your life too whenever we weren’t together.”
“Like I said, the power may stem from him, but that was all me back there. No Illyrians attached.”
He chuckled at her words. “Well I’m glad to hear that at least.”
“I do really like you. You know that, right?” She divulged the small fragment of truth.
“I can tell. You always seem joyful lately. It’s such a change from what I’m used to.”
“You seem even happier here than usual.” An accusation, perhaps.
“I love it here. And having you with me here, with your friends. It’s rather perfect.”
Perfect. And she had been contemplating just a few minutes before taking this from him prematurely, leaving a few days early merely because she had been uncomfortable.
“And what you did today, to that prick. It was bloody fantastic. I’ll admit that I’ve fantasized about showing him up once or twice myself, but you handled him all on your own. I’ve never been more surprised or amazed by you,” he whispered, leaning until their foreheads were touching and their breaths were mingling.
It was all too much for Elain, her body stirring in response to his words and his proximity, closing her eyes and leaning further …
Only to feel him pull away from her.
She had never been more embarrassed in her life as she pulled her robe tighter around her chest, cheeks fully heated as she gaped at him.
“It is very difficult to keep my hands off of you, Elain.”
“Then don’t. Why can’t we explore this further?” She frowned. It was so damned frustrating that he’d drawn this line when every instinct, every nerve ending was drawing them together.
“Don’t tempt me. Please,” he breathed. “I meant what I said. I can’t commit to this unless you’re all in. Don’t give me hope where there is still uncertainty.”
“I just want to know how it feels.”
“How would you feel if I was actively in a relationship with you and someone else at the same time?”
Her entire gut coiled in upon itself, her toes curling for a completely different reason than they had been only moments before.
“Exactly. That’s what I cannot handle. Being in so deep with no guarantee that you wouldn’t just leave me in a heartbeat for someone else.”
He kissed the back of her hand. “Though I’d be honored if you offered me your love one day, for now I’ll just continue to enjoy your company.”
He rose from her mattress, and Elain’s daze lightened just a fraction.
“Goodnight, Elain.”
She was too stunned to speak until he was almost through the door, but she managed to murmur back, “Goodnight, Lucien.”