Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

So here's the thing - you're not normal.

You try to be normal but it gets so tiresome, dull, and frustrating to play by the rules of current society. You've spent 16 long years wearing your mask of compliance and it's getting too tight and gosh, isn't it time for some teenage rebellion? Why keep up the facade? Why keep these manners, these rigid guidelines? After all, what have they done for you?

Normal girls are supposed to be fall in love, get married, and have kids. You believe in romance and love, but the roles of girlhood and womanhood seem so dull and needlessly micromanaged to be worth it. Your love isn't normal it seems, since nice girls aren't supposed to have such an infatuation with blood. 

But, you don't like being left out. You don't like being disliked and rejected. While you hate the rigid rules, their mundane expectations to perform a certain way, you still want to belong. Just because you know how to entertain yourself doesn't mean you want to spend all your time alone. You're not meant to stay quiet and let others make decisions and commitments for you. What do you value most - playing at belonging, or being genuine to yourself?

You can feel peoples' feelings all the time. You can mimic them too! Being part of a group is safe and all you have to do is reflect what people want to see. You're friendly, sweet, and outgoing, but you really want to know what makes everyone tick. What do others desire, what do they crave, what do they live their life for? What makes them normal, and what makes them participate in society? You want to know how to be them, how to reach their level of contentedness, how to be stable. How can you emulate and embody normalcy - and is normalcy even worth it? 

It has to be worth it, right? You spend so much time being normal, being a girl your parents can be proud of, being the child they don't have to worry about. You don't need to be disciplined and you don't need to be reminded about the rules. You know how to stave off his temper and how to redirect his anger. You know not to get in his way, and you know how much you can push him. If only your little sister could be the same. Mom and Dad are simply doing what parents need to do, enforce rules and prepare their children to the best of their ability. Nothing is wrong here. You must be imagining things.  You’re just too sensitive, right? It’s so easy to be mad at her, instead. She's aggravating his temper and making it worse. She should just shut up! It's what you do and you're fine. There are times to be loud and times to be quiet. Good girls know this. 

She needs more discipline than you. She's wild and disobedient. She still hasn't learned her lessons. Once, he goes too far and pulls her down the stairs. It leaves a bruise this time. The school notices.

“Are you alright? Is this normal behavior?”

“It was an accident. He was trying to get her attention and she slipped on the stairs.”

You think you're telling the truth and in a way, it is a truth. You don’t understand why it’s such a big deal, why the school administrators suddenly care so much. The bruise is bad. He never should’ve done that. He won’t do it again though, he promised.

In a way, her anger and fear are more terrifying than his. She is manipulative, terrifying, and constantly fighting with harsh or saccharine words. She has something to prove - more specifically, she fights to be acknowledged. Do you fight for anything? Would you fight for anything?

You're 16 and you know what each of your family member is like inside. You've worn their skins and you've felt how they feel. There is no reason to take them apart further, to see behind the scenes. You feel empty, sometimes, when everything and everyone gets quiet. When you aren't talking, when you aren't listening, when others are no longer near everything seems so overwhelming and stressful and your mind goes on strange pathways. 

You're 16 and your quirk is a party trick. You're a great actress and everyone likes to see what you can do, how far you can pretend. Some people might whisper how creepy it is but overall you've painted yourself in such a positive light that everyone is willing to share a little blood here and there. What's some red blood cells between friends, after all?

This isn't really an origin story. Maybe it's a breaking point? Either way, you just want to live your life your way. Why is that so hard to accomplish?

Chapter Text

You overhear things a lot. Maybe that's part of your quirk too! Your sense of smell, taste, and hearing are more advanced. Anyway, you're used to hearing conversations. Your parents aren't as discrete as they might think. Classmates whispers are like shouts in your ear. Over-stimulation, sensory processing overload you've read. It makes shutting up your brain hard because there's so much noise, and smell and everyone and everything is just so much. 

Your quirk feels alive sometimes. It's like growing in new teeth, all aches, and pains until you gnaw on something to release. It’s not ladylike, though, so you can't nibble as much as you'd like. You have anemia. Your iron is low. You crave meat. Your quirk is versatile and hungry. 

Your quirk lets you mimic anything with blood. When you're in a different vessel, you're still you, but your capacity is limited by the ability of the organism itself. You've explored all sorts of bodies across all kinds of ages. It's easy to remember who you are. You're empty. Others can fill you up, little bits of themselves here and there. But in the end, you're alone. It's terrifying. But you've grown accustomed to it. It might not be normal, but it's your routine by now. You're empty. You're hungry. You're insatiable. 

The Ancient Greeks, like their super ancient pre-quirk philosophers, decided upon eight distinct types of love. In the 20th century, an American relationship therapist came up with five distinct love languages, or ways in which people give and get love. 

Types of Love:

Agape: altruistic affection
Eros: sexual attraction
Philia: platonic companionship 
Philautia: self compassion
Storge: family kinship
Pragma: romantic dedication
Ludus: joyful infatuation
Mania: obsessive infatuation 

Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

You find psychology pretty fascinating so of course you study it in depth. Since the typical schoolgirl is expected to be in love with love, however, you spend some extra time on interpersonal relationships. You know that others fall in ludus and eros quite easily, and therefore you know how to respond appropriately. It is unfortunate but you can feel the stirrings of mania in your own attachments. You aren't one for agape or storge. And you really need to work on your philautia. And you know, you know that you need physical touch. You need acts of service, and you need quality time. You need to be reminded that you are loved and cared for in action, and you will devote yourself similarly. 

Sometimes you wonder if there's a point in all this. What will you do in the future? What is your drive, your purpose? What do you want? Why does it all matter?

You have so many feelings. They're constantly simmering underneath your skin, and they rush with every contraction of your heart beat. Thump. Thump. Can't they see how alive you are? They're so noisy and so loud and always so many questions and answers and it's all too much and no one ever really l i s t e n s. You're too good at playing pretend and playing your role. No one seems to realize that something is wrong. 

Sometimes you like to be not-Toga and take on another's skin so you can pretend like the noise and emptiness are part of acting and part of what's real. 

You just wanna love, live, and die in your own way. It's taking some time to figure out what "your way" is going to be, though. 

Chapter Text

So here you are, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love you. 

“Sorry Toga, I can't accept your confession."

How dare he. 

Your girlfriend breaks up with you after 3 months.

"Sorry Himi-chan, it isn't you, it's me."

Oh really. 

You overhear one of your crushes talking about you.

"She's just too sharp, you know? She's too much for me."

Coward. 

Everyone has a breaking point. You understand that you're not entitled to the feelings of others. You can't control how others feel about you. You can't make people like you. But you have so much hope each time. Each crush, each passionate thought, each potential new muse envelops you and you want to be like that, be with them, be them forever. Each rejection leaves you feeling disappointed in yourself. You want and need so much more than most people seem to be able to give. Someone always leaves in the end

You're 16 and on your own. You leave your little sister, your tired mom, and your angry dad. You can't help them, and they can't help you. You're a wanted suspect now, after all.

“She was such a bright and responsible girl...smiling and being friendly with everyone.”

Was. Is. States of being. You want to be kind and lovely and friendly but you also wish that you didn't have to fake your kindness to appeal to everyone. Human behavior is on a spectrum. Why do you have to be the outlier? 

“All we want is for you to live a normal life.”

Sure, sometimes it is hard to be you. It is hard to remind yourself where your body stops, and others begin. It is hard to resist the need to drink to your fill, to consume, to become the object of your desire, if only for a moment. 

Does you qualify as a high school drop out if you've never gone to high school? You graduated 3rd in your class and were on track to attend an all-girls college preparatory high school. That didn't happen, of course, thanks to your incidents.

Could you've made it through high school? Academically for sure. You didn't love school, but you're good at reading and giving the answers the teachers want. However, it was so tiring pretending to be the like everyone else. Plus your crushes made people uncomfortable so being around amazing smart cuties all day would've been so bothersome to contain. It's not your fault that you love easily and deeply. There are no boundaries, no restrictions to what you can find appealing. 

You're an adult but not. You're smart but without the credentials. You're a suspect and on the run. Sometimes everything sucks. All these rules and regulations that didn't don't won't protect you.

The police are after you every day. The heroes are after you every day.

Your quirk takes and takes and doesn't give back. How cruel.

Your senses are constantly overstimulated. You have to be aware of the behaviors of everyone around you. You might not always understand it, but you learn to read a crowd in an instant and find ways to blend in better. There's nothing like being on the run to shape up your interpersonal skills.

You don't wanna die. You want to live and love and die normally. You especially wanna be loved the most. Is it possible?

You have to hope believe know so.