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Chapter Text

Jin was moving slowly through the hallway leading to the fan sign. His feet were shuffling across the floor and his palms were slowly getting sweaty. He smiled at himself as he saw all the other members already at their table setting up. He always loved seeing all the unfamiliar faces in the crowd - eager eyes crinkling with love and happiness. How could he not smile to himself when he thought about their gentle souls? Meeting them up close was the best part of him being in a band, he will admit it in a heartbeat. It's not the love he receives, but the feeling of good vibes and the gratitude he feels for everything they do for him.

"Jin-hyung I thought you got lost on the way from the bathroom," Jimin says smiling at him. His smile is so wide and broad, just so charming in every single way. Of course, all the fans had their hearts melting just at the sight of his soft cheeks and sharp eyes.

Jin nodded slowly, shining a smile bright enough to melt the sun. In the corner of his eye, as he was sitting down on the wobbly chair he saw Namjoon's disapproving look. He knew on the spot that Joon will have a short talk with him after about punctuality and discipline. Jin swallowed at the thought. He really did love fan meets but lately he felt a stirring in his heart, doubt and shadows creeping in, giving him anxiety. Delaying events by a few seconds did not help alleviate the pain, on the contrary. But he just accepted this vicious cycle he created.

"Oppa, could you sign my album please?" a shy trembling voice snapped him from his thoughts. "You are so stunning in real life. Even better than pictures. They don't do you justice" a small girl kneeling behind the table was smiling shyly, tear forming in the corner of her eyes. Jin's mouth curved into his Hollywood smile and gently took the girl's album in his hands. His heart melted every time an army would tear up with emotion, he just wanted to hug them all. "What is your name, sweetheart?" he puts his charming voice on. The idol mask slowly forming around him, settling in his veins. He was used to the big smiles, the playful jokes, gentle touches and brightness on display. Everything that Jin was and SeokJin aspired to become.

"You know the secret to my handsomeness?" he asks the girl cheekily. A familiar scoff from his right side startles him for a second. The young girl looks to see the source of the incredulous noise. Taehyung rolls his eyes and just goes back to taking the hand of the pink-haired girl in front of him, flashing her a playful boxy smile. Jin brushes a golden lock to the side and squeezes the girl's hand, and she goes back to watching Jin in awe. "I was born on handsome island," he says softly and starts laughing obnoxiously loud. The high-pitched laughter filling in the room. Jimin joins in the laughter, always a victim of his dad jokes.

Taehyung always hated how Jin always seemed to put on a show for people to maintain attention on him. He saw right through Jin's charade. The fake smiles, the dad jokes he knew he always researched, the hyper dances and self-important model poses. He hated them all. Tae always saw Jin as the son of a CEO with his career laid out in front of him. A pretty face with a perfect future, all girls at his feet, and his heart colder than ice. He hated to admit that he spent more than half of the fan meet watching his eldest hyung flirting with fans, being loud and entertaining a whole crowd. His long red bangs were covering the slightly furrowed brow he was sporting with his boxy smile. Yes, he is beautiful - with plump red lips, a long neck that any human would love to bite, and the most gentle eyes. It was hard to deny that, even more so since he got the stupid blonde undercut. Tae couldn't make up his mind if it made him look like an angel or a demon now, both sickeningly attractive of course. The second that the pictures came in the media, for two weeks straight that's all the tabloids talked about and even the fan cafe was flooded with messages praising his beauty.

Both Tae and Jin stood there for an hour hearing dozens of girls complimenting Jin's visuals, eyes beaming with lust and awe, hearts thumping with the speed of light. His ego is growing by the second probably, the red haired boy thinks to himself as a fan boy approaches his hyung and Jin lets him touch his face. He has all genders wrapped around his finger, there is no one in the world that could resist SeokJin's charms. Outside of Taehyung, of course.

The meeting came to an end soon enough. Jin felt drained from all the smiles, his mask was becoming a bit of a burden to him lately. He got up and looked at the crowd cheering him on. His heart was doing somersaults, as his eyes were skipping from one face to another taking them all in. His hand automatically went to his mouth and before he knew it hand kisses were distributed throughout the room to every army with a camera. Girls and boys swooning at his trademark gesture, screams of love intensifying by the second. Jungkook started chuckling at him as he was gathering all the small trinkets he got during the meet. The boys were used to Jin's fan service which he mastered in no time.

Jimin put his hand on Jin's broad shoulders, a signal meaning it's time to go. "I hope you were all enchanted by my handsome face!" Jin says with a serious model face on. His furrowed brow and parted lips looked as if ripped off the pages of Vogue. Tae knew his hyung was handsome, he was just over his ego.

Once in the backroom as they got ready to go, the boys were loud. Hoseok and Jimin in a corner dancing to some girl group song, making silly faces for the camera crew, Jungkook filming them both on his phone and snickering. Yoongi and Namjoon were talking about highlights from the fan meet when Taehyung joined in loudly.

"Who am I?" he asks smiling devilishly. With broad exaggerated gesticulations, Taehyung was blowing loud, sloppy kisses left and right. "You are blessed with my face," he belts out even louder, eyes shooting directly at Jin. Jimin and Hobi start laughing in unison at the caricature. Jungkook puts his index finger and thumb in a V under his chin - an iconic Jin pose.

"Worldwide handsome", JK says joining the loud laughter.

"Obviously you are trying to replicate the best looking person in the group but if I were you, I'd work on it." Jin's voice was cold coming from behind the phone he kept texting on, only his red ears betraying his true feelings. Tae laughs as if brushing this all off as a joke, his heart pounding with anger. "This", the blonde model adds getting up slowly and straightening his button up, "cannot be replicated." A daring wink flies off in V's direction, and with that both Jimin and Jungkook roar with laughter. Yoongi and Namjoon looked bemused at Taehyung seeking a reaction. They have been bickering like this for a good 6 months and by now they are just waiting to see more of the cat and mouse game they have going on. The red haired maknae stands there struck by other's boldness as the camera crew follows the boys closely to the elevator.

As long as the red light is on, Tae and Jin will seem playful friends teasing each other out of love. The maknae could not wait for it to be off, the filters disintegrating. They all cram into the elevator together screaming goodbyes at the camera as the doors close slowly. Seokjin is on the other side of it, left behind by his members. His ears go red and his eyes get big watching the closed door, then shifting to the moving digits on the panel next to it indicating that the elevator is truly leaving without him. He scratches the back of his head, beads of nervous sweat accumulating at his temples, and turns to face the camera with his Hollywood smile on.

"It seems that they left me behind. Sometimes it feels like they forget I am a member," he chuckles at the camera. The stirring in his heart now spreading to his stomach, his windshield wiper laugh trying to swallow those shadows but only succeeding in masking them.

The red light goes off.

Chapter Text

Jimin's voice was echoing on the hallways towards the recording studio. They were all going to rehearse for their first comeback show. Having a live band in the background was going to change a lot of the songs and the pitches they used. The next few months were all booked with practice times, shooting for the album cover and for the MVs coming covering the two hits they circled out. Jin's blonde hair was just the beginning of all the changes ahead of them. He didn't really mind the color, but he definitely preferred his old golden-brown hair more. On the day he came out of the hairdresser's with a sharp undercut, parted hair showing his pale forehead and bright blonde hair shining brighter than the sun, everyone started complimenting him. Jimin and Jungkook kept gawking at his head the whole day surprised by his beauty.

"Ah Jin-hyung, you really look like a bad boy! Your style will compliment the concept so well for the comeback," he remembers Namjoon commenting. Jin felt flattered by all the comments, he really did. He knew the effect he had on people, he worked hard for it. And knowing that he will help the group’s colours shine through with his visual during the comeback made his stomach feel warm as shyness crept in. "Thanks, Joonie. I want to show everyone my best side."

He felt a hand on his back, snapping him into reality. "Ready for the rehearsals, hyung? Did you warm up your voice?" the familiar baritone voice tickled his ear. He felt his stomach tightening, as it's done for months now. He flashed Tae his brightest smile, "Of course, don't I always?" The cameras come to a halt as they catch up with Jimin and Hobi doing a dance-off in the middle of the hallway, Jimin belting away the words to a popular girl-group song.  Jin loves seeing them so playful, it automatically makes him smile and he joins in the ruckus. He gets in the middle and with his playboy model stare fixing the camera. Jin slaps his upper thighs as he drops slowly to the floor, his butt bending outwards strained against the tight jeans. The two dancers start laughing louder than before, Hobi slaps Jimin in amusement. Tae snaps out of the long stare and frowns at the eldest's tomfoolery, fixing a smile on his face soon after.

Of course, he would try to get all attention on him . Jin gets up and blows a kiss to the camera as Tae bumps into him. "We are running late for the rehearsal. Let's go!" the younger says clasping the blonde’s wrist with such a force that his fingers turned white, and dragged Jin after him. The older chuckles lightly at the cameras, turning serious soon after. His stomach and heart thudding loudly. Not this again.

The rehearsal went as it has been going for months now. Jin's voice trembled too much, his palms sweaty, the tightening in his chest amplifying with each frowned stare that Taehyung would throw him. Aishhhh, this kid could not give me a break even if I was on my deathbed . Even then my last cry of life would be too much falsetto, not enough power, too much strain. Autumn Leaves was the first song where Jin finally got a lead, blessed to not only start the song but also sing for more than 3 words in a row. He was working his hardest and trying to improve his vocal abilities as much as he could, but the anxiety was suffocating his lungs in toxic fumes, eating away at his heart.

"SeokJin-hyung needs to focus. He isn't hitting the note full force in the chorus," Tae says under his breath as Jimin puts his hand on the red-head's bicep and squeezes lightly. "His voice is strained," comes out of him as an excuse for all the side comments.

Jimin exhales, "you really can't give him a break, can you? He is doing his best, he is better compared to 6 months ago."

"Why are you taking his side? You are a singer too!" Taehyung got even hotter under the collar as he was whispering furiously. His ears were getting a tiny bit red and his lip could really use a break from all the biting he’d been doing for the past hour. "We are all sacrificing and working our hardest, he isn't doing all he can as if his life depended on it. He is comfortable, he has back up plans," his voice became more of a hushed anger rather than a whisper.

Jin couldn't help but hear them since Taehyung was right next to him. He felt his blood boiling slowly, rushing to his ears making a dizzying static noise.

"I need to take a short break, is that okay?" Jin says on his way out towards the balcony connected to the studio.

"We'll try again when you come back, hyung." Namjoon pauses for a second looking at his watch. The hands were showing 10PM. "Or tomorrow since it's getting late, and we already ran through all of them. Take your time," the leader nods at the eldest. The camera crew leaves the rehearsal studio, and the band is starting to pack up. Namjoon scratched the back of his head while he exhaled looking at the music sheets in front of him. It's been a long day for all of them, this comeback was huge, and they needed to show they can climb the charts properly. He hated to admit to it himself, but they had to prove themselves to everyone in the industry. And he knew the sacrifices they had to make until now will only increase in numbers until they reached their goal. He looked at Yoongi who was also fiddling with his music sheet, making changes. Joon’s heart grew a little warm. They had been through this a thousand times.

Maybe going out on a balcony in the middle of February with no jacket was not the best idea for Jin. Even more so for his vocal chords that should stay warm. The cold made his body draw in a long breath. The air prickled at his throat and lungs as it was settling in his body. Seokjin sighed deeply, feeling his heart heavy like a lump of black lead sinking to the bottom of the ocean. His head was swimming like a wounded orca in a sea of tar. His eyes were measuring the ground beneath his feet but his mind was not receptive. Jin’s breath hitched as he heard the door to the balcony open and close shut forcefully. He then saw a distinguished pair of Gucci boots walk up to him and joining his. He didn't dare look up, he knew who it was. He didn't have time for this, he hated the stupid comments Tae always made which later echoed in his heart deep into the night. A chamber of inner truths, he called it.

"I said I will be back in a couple of minutes. Missed me already?" Jin asked playfully snapping his head up, facing the boy in front of him. He cocked an eyebrow at him and gave him half a smirk. Idol Jin automatically masking into position.

Taehyung was surprised by the blonde's words, which did nothing but anger him even more after the scene. "Listen, you need to come in and try this song again. Hyung, you can't make the whole team and members wait for you because you need a break. We are on a schedule. Not everything spins around your needs, you know?!" Tae’s eyes zeroed in on Jin’s, feeling the anger build up in his veins. A pot on the verge of boiling over. His fists were tightly clutched by his side, the cold never even touching him.

"Taehyung, I don't think I needed your opinion on this. I asked and Namjoon agreed. Last time I checked, you are not the leader of the group, vocal line nor dance line. So step back and let hyung be." Jin kept his playful voice and smile on but he added a wink to emphasize the passive-aggressive tone he was holding back. He knew he struck a nerve when the boy's face became as red as his ears, his brow furrowing into a storm.

On the inside, Jimin and Namjoon were watching them intensely. "Should we go out and calm them down?" Jimin asks in a low voice. Yoongi pretends he is going over some of the upcoming songs, checking the sound and the timing - his ears tuning in.

"No, let them sort it out," Namjoon answered going back to packing his things.

Yoongi's eyes darted at the two standing in the freezing weather. He knew Jin better than anyone. He knew what this was about, he heard his roommate every day returning home at 2 in the morning. He didn't need to ask, he heard it all. He pieced all the snippets together. Namjoon may have known too but he was already dealing with so much, this was at the bottom of his priorities. The grey-haired boy watches closely Taehyung's lower lip trembling as his mouth opens, disgust and anger burning marks into his face. Here we go again.

"I didn't ask to be the leader of anything. You should do it out of consideration for the others, since we are working around the clock to make this perfect  while you are taking breaks, complaining about the choreography. And when you finally get the chance to prove yourself as a singer you fuck it up. Jimin and Jungkook are singing until the middle of the night, perfecting their skills, making sure on stage they sound crystal clear, and making their parents proud. Hobi hyung rehearses every night the choreography so that he can be the leader and instructor we need. Namjoon hyung and Suga hyung are barricaded in their studios for months working on new music for us. Do you even know what this means to us? And you, hyung? You take it all as a side project because your dad is a CEO and you have a back up plan. So, no , I am not a leader but at least I am not just a pretty face riding on other people's talents."

Jin's eyes got bigger with every coming word out of the younger's mouth. Sentences he has said to himself thousands of times finally taking flight off another’s tongue like fireballs, hitting him in the face. And somehow, it hurt more when someone was confirming his darkest fears. His ears got flushed with anger deepening into a bloody red. Before he knew it, his mask fell off as his left hand reached out and smacked the younger's face at light speed. The loud noise made the boys inside look out towards them, but all they could see was the aftermath. SeokJin storms out of the rooms heading down the stairs with loud, threatening thumps. Leaving behind a red-head boy with eyes bigger than the moon holding his left cheek. His long slender fingers were hovering over the stingy, red marks left by his hyung. He didn't know what to feel, his chest was tight and numb tears crowding his eyes like diamonds waiting to spill. He didn't move.

Jimin was shocked, his mouth open, and with small steps he started walking towards his friend left stranded on the balcony. Yoongi grabbed his wrist while his gaze was still on the papers in front of him. He simply squeezed his wrist for a few seconds, stopping the other in his tracks long enough as if to say " He had it coming, he took it too far ." Jimin closed his mouth and gulped, giving Suga a small nod, and then continues to walk towards Tae. Things never escalated this far before. They bickered, they fought- sure. Sometimes even for the stupidest things. But it never resulted in actual violence.

Chapter Text

Seokjin decided to stay out of the dorm that night. As always, drowning his thoughts into his work.

Jin's body was moving in the same motions over and over again following the recording in front of him like a curse was trapping his body in a maze of limbs. On the screen, a lean, toned body was expertly moving to the beat, each move calculated to flow perfectly. Like a silken scarf on a river bed, the fluid motions tugged at the blonde boy something fierce. Hoseok was so talented. His passion for music coursed through his body with so much energy, every flick of a muscle and every wince his face would produce rendering the catchy beat.

Seokjin let out a long sigh. The choreography for Fire was not hard to remember as much as it demanded lots of stamina. His muscle memory was working overtime today, each step and movement, each damn head tilt and nod burnt in his memory. His breathing became labored as he moved his feet across the floor, sweat running down his back drenching his shirt. He has been at it for more than 4 hours now. Yet, he couldn't understand why his movements were never going to be as smooth as silk.Well, he did have a feeling. A petrifying one.

"You are destined for greatness, my lovely," his eomma said softly while stroking his hair.

He could still smell the summer breeze that now he associated with his mother. The dying sun gave everything a golden glow, shyly dusting the edges of every leaf. The little boy's sobs turning into small hiccups. His cheeks were full, his lips pouty and glossy. He kept watching the blood running down his legs from his scraped knees, kids could be so mean from such a young age. The same eyes who will later cry in a pillow for years to come, were now shedding tiny diamond drops down the silky cheeks, tainting the beautiful make.

"Th-hey... s-said I'm... I'm not allowed to play with them again. I.. I'm not good at the game, eomma," the boy managed to say through tiny hiccups and swallowed tears, his voice trembling with his first broken heart. His mother smiled at him sweetly, her face lighting up as a warm feeling in his gut rose up.  Her round features seemed ethereal with the golden glow burning around her face, if only he would have taken more time to look at her back then. To drink in her beauty and personality that will later make him the man he was.

She softly pinched his chin with her thumb and index finger pulling his face up to look at her. "I didn't know my silky prince needed approval from others." Her smile broke out in a bright one, each pearly white tooth shining through her grin. Her eyes were crinkled in the most beautiful way possible, like two feathers of a black swan. His mother always looked like an angelic being, so gentle and sunny in her every move. The summer breeze gently caressed the little boy's nose and glistening lips wet from biting at them nervously. "You can work on it. There is nothing stopping you from being better, Jinnie."

Jinnie... her voice echoed in his head travelling to his heart. Jinnie... Jinnie..

"Seokjinnie?" Sejin, their manager asks softly. Jin looks up, suddenly feeling the hot tears streaming down his face blending with the sweat beads that dragged slowly down the side of his cheeks. When did that happen? His mind spaced out but his body kept going over the dance routine. He forced himself to stop once his eyes fixed on the tall broad figure in front of him. Jin acted surprised by his presence stumbling backwards and giggling at his foolishness. "Sejin-ssi. My heart will give in one day if you keep creeping around like that. I will grow old and grey in no time," the blonde's trademark laughter filled the dance studio as a hand clutched at his heart.

Sejin watched Jin closely, the corner of his lips turning up just slightly. A bitter smile - the manager knew better than to be trapped in his infectious laughter. "Seokjin, it's 2AM. You have a busy schedule tomorrow," he answered shifting towards the younger and putting his hand on his broad shoulder. "You should go to sleep." His hand gave a gentle, fatherly squeeze. Sejin always felt close to Jin. Although he was the oldest among the members and he took care of all of them at the dorm- cooking, cleaning and doing all the administration-, Jin was young at heart and barely knew how to take care of himself. Sejin started doing night shifts more often ever since Yoongi tipped him about Jin's strange behaviour. Sure, Suga was not a role model either, as he stayed locked in his music studio for days at a time. But at least he showered and slept. The blonde visual would stay up singing or dancing for hours in the dead of the night when everyone was asleep, as if trying to cast a magic spell for which he only needed to burn his soul. If Seokjin would not leave by 2 AM, Sejin would come and ask him to go to bed. Lately he has done that a lot.

Jin smiled brightly and nodded. "Ahhh Sejin-ssi, you are always right. Can I ever oppose you? I am going..."

"Jin?"

Seokjin looked up at Sejin as he moved past him.

"You are progressing."

He left without a word. Once he got to the dorm, he opened his shoe closet and took out a bottle. Two swigs burnt his esophagus, dropping into an empty stomach, making everything light up. His body started vibrating with a familiar and painful warmth, or at least became less numb. The liquid was constructing an illusion of calmness as it settled into his system. He shuffled slowly towards the bedroom he shared with Yoongi. As much as he hated soaking his bed in sweat and dirty clothes, he just sort of rolled on the bed letting out a grunt. He would take a hot shower in the morning, it's too late right now . He is too tired to move even an inch more.

Yoongi heard the bed creak with Jin's weight and finally let out a breath he had been holding for longer than he would like to admit. He listened in for any noises that indicated the other was still distressed. Anything from a sigh or a sob to hiccups or whimpers from nightmares, which became a frequent occurrence in the past months. But all he heard was an evened out breathing slowing down. Suga felt a weight lift off his shoulders, as he thanked Sejin again for being so careful.

He went to their manager about 2 months ago after he found the bedroom empty for the fourth time that week on his way back from the Genius Lab (his personal music studio). Yoongi was often labeled as careless and unbothered since he never actively behaved as a worried friend or lover. He liked doing things from the shadows, escaping the embarrassment of someone being thankful to him.

Seokjin has been his roommate for more than 3 years now, they always got along. Maybe because they gave each other space. Jin was always so calm and reserved in their bedroom, his mood adjusting to his roommate's serious if not solemn demeanor. However, his hyung made sure that they had a movie night at least once a week in their room, pushing their beds together and watching shadows flicker on the screen. Yoongi didn't mind it, he knew the older was affectionate and needed quality time to feel he bonded with his members. Seokjin would play with Jimin every time they were out of the dorm, chasing around and giggling. With Hoseok, he would always goof around after dance practice since they shared the same sense of humor. With Jungkook, he would play video games. With Namjoon, they would share their peaceful cappuccino during reading time. And once upon a time, he would watch anime huddled  in Taehyung's bed with the loveliest V. He actually liked that they could cuddle together under a blanket and laugh at the stupidest things.

He knew better than anyone what Jin was facing. Yoongi looked towards Jin one more time before going to bed, and, even though he was not a religious person in the least as he has pointed out many a times, he said a prayer under his breath. And with that, he closed his eyes tightly, joining his roommate in a well deserved rest.

~+~

It started as it always does. The room looks exactly as he left it when he closed his eyes to sleep.

The dimly-lit environment was giving him chills in anticipation of what was to come. He knew it all too well. He felt it a few too many times.

Jin was still laying in bed, his body felt heavy as a brick - impossible to move. He looked around his bed frantically and then squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that stars appeared before him. His heart started to race as beads of sweat gathered at his temples. He didn't know what was worse: knowing what will happen next and not being able to do anything about it, or the horrible fear that will devour him in a couple of seconds. Even his rest has become a burden to him lately.

Seokjin stopped struggling the second he heard a low hiss enveloping the room. He looked around for its source, eyes jumping from every nook and cranny, from every furniture item to another. His breathing came to a halt when his eyes hit the horrid sight. The body of a huge snake slowly inching along side the wall on the floor behind two bookcases. Its skin was slick like a slug, its myrtle green scales glistening mutely with a Byzantium purple and shades of muddy grey. His body was obscenely thick and lumpy, the creature leaving behind a feeling of dread as it slithered behind the furniture in his room. Jin felt his heart stuck in his throat, his stomach threatening to make him retch. Fear licked at his skin, the ache it left behind nipping at his bones. If only he could scream himself out of this nightmare.

The snake crawled behind his head and without a warning it launched itself at Jin's left side biting ferociously at his ribs. The boy muffled a terrified scream, shaking his head with fear. The air that he held in his lungs seemed to leave him, fear suffocating him to death. The slimy creature, now tainted with dark blood snaked its way towards Jin's face. The weight of the enormous reptile was crushing Seokjin's ribs, pressing further on his lungs, and stopping him from breathing normally. His slim and long tongue gently touched the boy's silky white skin, leaving behind an icy flutter. Seokjin couldn't close his eyes even though he knew all too well what was coming next. He took in a sharp breath as he saw the snake pulling back its head, its beady dark eyes watching the man closely. He felt the metal taste on his tongue, blood filling his mouth as the reptile lounged at his face - jaws unhinged, teeth forward. A terrible sight. The bite finally let Jin scream so loudly he woke himself up.

~+~

Yoongi had a feeling his roommate had the nightmare again. He didn't hear the scream since he was already at the dance studio with the other members, but Jin's face was livid, dark circles threatening to spill over. The boys started practicing already with Hobi at the front moving to the beat and making tiny remarks for everyone to catch on. Suga swears that Fire will be the death of him. He loved the song with all his heart, he felt it was going to show the new influences BTS has been working on adapting. But the choreography needed to be perfect for the MV. The jump-cuts would show any imperfection, any hesitation and any lack of dedication. Hoseok has been stressing about this more than usual, his mouth now in a permanent triangle shape. Sign which Yoongi knew it meant 'Warning! I will blow off any second now if you test me!' . So, when Jin stumbled in smiling and out of breath explaining that his alarm died on him, Suga knew this will not end well.

Hoseok thundered for ten minutes straight about the discipline needed in order for them to succeed. His forehead got red like that time he drank three bottles of Soju and forgot he didn't eat beforehand. He ended up puking it all later that night. This time instead of green unappetizing slim coming out his mouth, a tsunami scoffs and loud words were spilling out.

Namjoon comes between the two after the 10 minutes are up. "Hoseok-ah, let's practice. I am more than sure that hyung understood your worries."

Hobi and Tae shot Joon a sharp look. Taehyung scoffed and got into the position, along with the team. He avoided Jin's gaze but ever so often he would steal some glances just to check if he would mess up. To his surprise, Jin seemed to have improved on keeping up with the rhythm but the moves were far from being clean-cut. Whatever, he is not my problem anymore.

Jin carefully watched the trademark Gucci snake on Tae's shirt moving along with his body, the wicked creature made him shudder. He couldn't stop his guilt from looking at the red-head as they danced. His transitions were smooth, his steps moving happily and fiercely to the rhythm. Taehyung really loved this song, they all did.  But he really enjoyed the empowerment that it gave him, and he was really good at translating that through their dance routine. Hoseok, Jimin and Taehyung along with Jungkook were always at the forefront leading the team with pride.

Jimin catches the two secretly looking at each other, the tension in their eyes never going down. Not even after yesterday. He had to hold a sobbing Tae in his arms for 30 minutes, the other never wanting to talk about the whole scene. I don’t know what is going on with those two. Tae always tells me everything but he has been terribly cryptic about hyung in the past 6 months. All he knew was that his best friend would look a tiny bit more blue at night when they would sit around talking about nothing. His eyes a bit more heartbroken, his anger a shy blanket on the surface of his skin. He needed space.

Jimin let out a long sigh and concentrated on the rehearsals.

Chapter Text

Jin was laughing loudly, squeaking next to Jimin in the living room over some expired dad jokes that he recently researched. As always, he needed a Guinea pig to test them on, and Jimin is more than happy to help out. Even though the younger would laugh at anything Jin would claim as a joke, he needed to recharge his batteries after the past week, and Jimin has just the most infectious laughter to help with that. Their eyes were crinkling with a deep appreciation for the other as Jin was trying to breathlessly word out a pun about cows. Jimin was bending over backwards in anticipation for the ultimate disappointment that the punchline will bring with it. That’s what made him giggle in the end, the horrid realization that the joke is so bad and cheesy.

Suga looked up slowly from his tablet he had been editing lyrics on, slightly bothered by the ruckus. With sharp judging eyes, he silently watched the two boys smacking each other playfully, Jimin slowly dropping to the ground rolling with pain and laughter. God, he hated Jin’s stupid jokes, he used to tell him the most awful puns when he was too tired to fall asleep. He knew that was Seokjin’s way to bond with people and cope with stress. He would test your reaction with them and according to one drunk Jin “there is a lot to be said about someone frowning at an innocent knock-knock joke.”

J-hope takes a seat next to Yoongi on the couch leaning against his shoulder and letting out a soft sigh. Pineapple scent bloomed around the two, his head close enough to Suga for a whisper only to be shared between the two.

“Jin-hyung seems better lately.”

God, did he have to get so close? Suga nods slightly and keeps working on his tablet. He wasn’t bothered by the younger, he kept telling himself.

Namjoon and Tae came in, deeply involved in a conversation about the vocals on the latest song they were working on. The classic boxy smile was plastered on Taehyung’s face, his eyes glittering with admiration for the elder’s words, drinking them in. That was him around the whole rapline, he would sit in the studio with that star-struck puppy expression on his face as J-hope, Suga and RM would debate production, beats and lyrics around the latest Cypher. He would watch in awe the three hyungs working together, silently taking mental notes.

Hobi watched Jin closely, as he was still blissfully unaware that Tae was not even a foot away from him. They finally lock eyes for 2 seconds, startled by each other’s presence, and Hoseok could swear that a deadly-cold wind blew right through the middle of their living room. As if unbothered, Seokjin returns to his tiny friend whom by now hasn’t left the floor for 5 minutes, and smiles even brighter as he starts tickling Jimin. Taehyung shoots a cold glare at the ball of giggles that was now wiggling on the floor. Betrayal . He swiftly mumbles something to Namjoon and slides back into the hallway walking away. Left behind, Joon glances at Jin who was watching the hallway as if a ghost passed through it.

“What was that about?” Hoseok asks Yoongi in a whisper, pressing closer to the other. Now their shoulders were smushed together, Hoseok’s knees pressing on his upper thigh, and he could swear that one more inch would bring them into a lovers’ embrace. The pineapple scent hits Suga even harder this time around. His heart stutters slightly, but decides to keep himself busy. He wasn’t one for gossip anyway , he tells himself.

~+~

A few days later, Jin was cooking for the boys a hearty breakfast before they were all up. He liked surprising them once in a while. Jungkook would make the happiest baby face as he would compete with Jimin over who could fit more food in their mouths. The aroma of warm bean sprout rice and spicy stewed fish dancing around the kitchen infiltrating slowly through the hallway and under the doors, into everyone’s bedrooms. Namjoon was sitting at the kitchen table working on a crossword puzzle, humming peacefully to himself. He liked exercising his mind first thing in the morning – “It’s like a cold shower for your brain to go along with one for your body” he once said. His tongue was sticking out just a smidge while his trademark dimple was decorating his face. Joonie was happily scratching his head with the pen he’d been biting for 20 minutes when he heard heavy steps making their way to the kitchen.

A half-asleep Taehyung with fluffy bed hair sticking out in all directions and pajamas two sizes too big came in scratching the back of his neck. Hi face was swollen with sleep and dreams, and fairy dust was still playing on his lashes since he never opened his eyes. As if on automatic, he opened the door to the fridge. Namjoon was now watching him closely, it seemed that the sleepy head did not notice Jin dicing onions for the omelette next to him but the older definitely saw.

“Can you stir in the pan for a couple of minutes?” Jin smiled at Joonie while scurrying away from their open kitchen. Namjoon didn’t even have time to respond before the eldest was gone only a smoke cloud left behind like he was a cartoon character.

Joon is notorious for his destructive behaviour, so he was stunned when Jin asked him that. Usually, his hyung would yell at him for even shadowing him in the kitchen, claiming that he would jinx his food. Aiiish, those two are really incurable . He shakes his head and he gets up, walking lazily to the stove grabbing the spoon left behind by Jin on the counter.

Tae turned around with an opened bottle of strawberry milk, a pink strip coating his upper lip leaving Namjoon smiling at the sweet boy. He looked like a soft crumpled-up cloud. Joonie always had a soft spot for the maknae line, babying them a little bit more than he should.

“Hyung!” Tae’s eyebrows and voice rose with surprise. “ You’re cooking breakfast?!” The young boy was dumbstruck, strawberry milk bottle clutched tightly in his hand as if ready to throw it in defense at any point and run.

“No, actually Jin was cooking breakfast for us, but he… had to do something real quick.” Namjoon watches the others’ reaction closely.

Hearing the elder’s name, Tae sobers up instantly, his thick brown brows falling heavily on his eyes like those cartoon grand pianos that fall from the sky. It would have been comical if Namjoon wasn’t concerned for the two. Tae’s lips form a thin line and he nods slightly, only to turn on his heels and shuffle back to his room. He was never good at hiding his feelings, while Jin was a little too good at it. Joon huffs, shaking his head and goes searching for the latter, stove left on, the strawberry sauce that Jin was working on doomed to become a fire hazard.

~+~

Nothing much changed a week later. While coming back to the dorm from a late rehearsal, Jungkook suggested they order food and eat together since they haven’t shared a dinner in such a long time.  The baby of the group loved having the members around him when he couldn’t visit his family as often as he wished. Even though they spend so much time with each other during practice, they usually eat out with friends or on their own. His doe eyes glittered with hope staring at his hyungs beggingly. A look that has never received a ‘no’.

Jin cleared his throat and excused himself saying he had a migraine, and Tae claimed to have plans with some other friends as he dipped out the door. The golden maknae exhaled -  defeated, sad Bambi eyes watching the two going separate ways. As if on cue, Hoseok shot Suga a pointed look, practically begging him to join his detective case. The shorter decided to ignore him once more.

On the other side of the room, Jimin was over the dramatic duo’s behaviour so he took matters in his own hands. He simply took Jungkook’s arm and dialed their favourite pizza place to order food for everyone. With a pointed look and a thin line forming on his lips, Namjoon took note of the incident. And, without his knowledge, so did Hoseok and Yoongi. Each of them reacted in their own way to the disturbances.  Yoongi, for the moment, decided to ignore the two and butt out, while Hoseok was focused on gathering more evidence to make his case.

The tipping point for Namjoon came one lazy afternoon. They finally got the day off after training intensely with no break for more than a month now. Jin and himself were sipping single-malt whiskey on the terrace on top of their building. They were both taking in the sunset bathing the city in shades of burnt apricot, tangerine yellow and terracotta. The sun felt shinier that day, glittering with elegance and putting on a final show before retreating in the soft covers of the night sky.

For 3 weeks now, Jin and Tae haven’t spoken a word to each other unless it was absolutely necessary courtesy or work related. They ran away from each other in the dorm like two magnets of same poles. Their likeness was exactly what was causing all the trouble . Namjoon exhaled lightly. If only they could see that too.

The door to the rooftop opened giving way to a giggly Jimin and Taehyung carrying a can of beer each. In a typical fashion, Tae was making baby voices at the other and cooing at his cuteness. His hair was tucked in a candy pink beany, his cute ears poking out on each side and his blush was matching his ensemble. Jimin was even more flushed, looking like a morning fairy, swimming in its own huge, grey sweater. The two boys were so drawn in their little friendship world that it comes as a surprise when the shorter bumps into Jin. Eyes coated in  alcohol now shining like the sun, both staring at their hyungs as if seeing them for the first time.

“Did the fun police teleport here?”, a giggly Jimin asks. The two arch-enemies lock eyes. The storm that unleashed weeks ago on the balcony was brewing once more in their pupils. As if purposefully egging on the red-head, Jin brings the whiskey to his lips never breaking the stare, a daring lightning crossing between the two. Taehyung scoffs, his thick brows knotting in anger on his forehead. Namjoon swears that if they were up here on their own, at least one would drop off the roof in the next minute.

“It’s too cold for beer up here, Jimin. Let’s go back to our room,” the red-head says tugging at the other.

Jin folds an arm to support his other elbow, drink still in his left hand floating near his lips but never touching. He turns back to watching the sunset – now a bloody red tainting the sky like an open wound. The rooftop door bangs shut. Namjoon’s voice comes out of nowhere, startling Seokjin.

“Listen! You have been avoiding each other for weeks now. We all wanted to let you both handle it as adults but, clearly, you can’t. So I am stepping in now. You need to talk. You both were in the wrong. But, Jin..” Namjoon leans closer to his hyung, touching his elbow supportively. “We never actually physically attacked each other.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about.”

Joon nodded for a second, eyes staring at the floor. “Right, I don’t know what he said to you. It must have been pretty bad since you reacted that way, and in front of our staff too. You usually have a lot more self-control.” He looks up at the blonde boy, now looking like a fallen angel, the red painting his blonde locks and white face in a red glow. “But you are also the oldest in the group. I may be the leader, but your behaviour sets an example to all the members,” Joon’s voice emphasized the last few words.

Seokjin swallowed hard, his eyes still fixed somewhere in the horizon, far away. Namjoon’s sentences turning over in his head like in a washing machine, swimming through the bubbles of worry and doubt, processing. The churning in his stomach coming back as guilt and anxiety, suffocating him. He had been affecting the team’s performance.

“You’re right,” Jin says with half a smile. “I was selfish. I should fix this, shouldn’t I?” he finally turns to face Namjoon.

Joon tucks his hand in the pocket of his jeans now kicking at an invisible rock on the floor. He knows the whole thing is very tender, but he also needs the team to be at their best. “I think you guys should talk. That’s all. You were both in the wrong-“

“- but I am older, I am the one responsible.”

Chapter Text

Jin attempts to corner Taehyung quite a couple of times after the talk he had with Namjoon on the rooftop. But the stubborn, young-blooded boy managed to escape him, either by throwing a diversion at Jin or slipping out of the room at the right time. And, for the truth of the matter, there had been a couple of times when the blonde’s throat became a bit too dry for words to come out and, by the time he gathered his strength, the other was gone.

Weeks of silence and sneaky looks passed by, both wanting to go back to their usual cat and mouse game. The scene did not hurt much besides their egos – the rubber band they were both pulling on had snapped, hitting them in punishment. Both boys wanted to torture each other endlessly as they had been doing for more than half a year. He knew the silence would one day pass, but the mutual attacks would stay. To be honest, Seokjin didn’t know how they ended in this painful position that was piling onto his anxiety. Or maybe he would rather forget why. What was certain, however, was that the sweet, molasses pain that would inflame his wounds which only Taehyung could give him was deeply missed. Somehow his daggers, his poison was making him feel something . And… isn’t something better than nothing ?

Jin’s bedroom door was open. He was on the floor, back leaning on the edge of the bed, legs tucked under him pretending to play on the Gameboy, but his eyes darting towards the hallway every now and then. He had a plan set in mind, and this time failure was not an option. He smiled to himself, heart settling between his ribs- all of his body waiting to pounce.

Hoseok and Yoongi were hanging out on the living room couch listening to some hot tracks they found. A habit they formed over the years, sharing their passion for music production and bonding over beats. Hobi was bobbing his head to the beat, but his eyes were on the hallway. Something was nagging at him, and,  lately, he had been on the edge.

Taehyung flew by Jin’s door and swiftly entered the bathroom across from it, shutting the door at light speed. The blonde boy snapped his head up, and he slowly set down his Gameboy as his eyes were fixed on the white door. He was listening in carefully, his ears red at the tips with anticipation. Seokjin’s palms suddenly got coated in sweat. The familiar stirring in his heart suffocating his lungs. The sound of water pouring in the shower as the curtain slid on the metal bar gave him the signal he had been waiting for.

Sharp eyes, brows knotted in a determined frown and lips tight in a smile decorated his angelic face as steady steps carried him across the hallway towards the occupied bathroom. His hand wrapped slowly around the cold, metal door knob and with a swift silent twist he opened it and slipped in closing it behind him.

Once inside, without letting his thoughts overwhelm and overcrowd his mind, Jin clears his voice.

“Taehyung-ah, we need to talk,” he says in a controlled, cool tone while pulling back the curtains.

The red-head maknae jumped back startled by the other, screaming bloody murder. “WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!”

Jin had seen Taehyung naked plenty of times, a particular moment from years ago popping in his mind. Yet, a chill ran through Seokjin’s body, leaving his shoulders trembling slightly and involuntarily. He couldn’t tell if it was because of the pure fear that you could hear in the high-pitched, blood-curdling scream Tae produced or because of the naked body exposed in front of him, now dripping with water. Things have really changed over the years. Fuck! How was he the visual when V was obviously so damn ravishingly handsome. His tanned body was gleaming with the drops of water that were still hitting his skin lightly. His hair was a wet mess, clinging tightly around his eyes. Drops were moving lazily from a strand down the apple of his cheek, kissing lightly at his plump, dusty-pink lips, pooling slowly under his chin. Seokjin feels his breath hitch as he continues watching them snake from his pectorals down his toned abs and slim waist, shaking with each breath that the other took. The water was curling and pooling in his belly button then slowly dripping down his thick, meaty upper thighs, gaining speed down his calves, and, finally, hitting the floor.

Shit. He did not think this through at all.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Taehyung’s low threatening voice growled while his hands reached at the shower curtain in an attempt to drape it around his naked body. The boy was visibly flustered, his ears and cheeks painted in a yummy strawberry pink. Again, it’s not that they haven’t seen each other naked before, he all too well remembers all the moments. He just felt a little too vulnerable and exposed in front of his hyung. For sure, that’s what the burning stirring in his lower stomach meant.

While Jin’s ears were burning red, Tae’s cheeks were getting redder with a mix of embarrassment, anger and frustration accumulating on the surface. The two were looking at each other with fire in their eyes, ready to burn holes with their gaze. If there was anything that kept the two from talking to each other in the past weeks it was their huge egos and stubbornness. But they would rather be damned than admit it. Unless, of course, Namjoon had a serious talk with one of them.

“I came to apologize,” Jin admits with a steady voice. A power stare ensues for the nth time that week. Tae’s eyes sharp like a knife’s blade.

“And you decided the best place to do so was in the damn shower ?!” The last words come out in a shout, anger making the redhead tug at the curtain in frustration.

“I know this is not ideal, but you kept avoiding me around the house.”

“Yeah! Excuse me for wanting anything to do with the man that slapped me in front of everyone. And what makes you think I would even want to talk to you?” Tae’s knuckles turned white as he fisted the cloth even closer to his body, the lie burning a path on his tongue as it rolled off.

Jin kept a straight face, his brows lessened into a pool of calmness. “Our behaviour is affecting everyone. We have an important comeback in the works. My reaction was not appropriate in the slightest, I know. I am sorry for raising my hand at you.” His voice almost trembled as he felt his heart come out of order shaking a little at the words that were to come. He swallowed the Seokjin who was trying to reach out. A steady voice took his place instead – professional Jin. “For hitting you. It was really out of line.”

But Taehyung could always read him better than anyone, through all the smokes and mirrors that created the Jin in front of him. He could tell that the older really meant it. His eyes were the soft hammock that he once used to swing in when the world became a little too heavy for him to bare on his back.  Fuck .

Tae’s voice drops into the soft, warm caramel sounds he makes whenever he feels bad. “That’s fine. I stepped out of line too. It was really not my place to say that. But, yeah… The physical was not needed.”

“I know. That’s why I will do your laundry for 2 weeks.”

“5 months.”

“3 weeks!”

“2 months. That’s final!” Tae announces, hands still gripping at the curtain tightly.

“1 month, you brat! Until we start the comeback.”

Taehyung’s eyes glimmer devilishly, a smirk forming on his plump, glistening lips. Funny you think this would settle the matter. He finally scoffs a “fine”, and Jin’s hand reaches out. The redhead drops the curtain and shakes his hand. A familiar warmth coming from his touch.

“Deal.”  Jin’s eyes drift to Tae’s exposed private parts. His gaze lingers. Things really do change with time. He cocks a brow and let’s out a loud: “Nice”. A daring and naughty trademark smile blossoming on the blonde visual as he winks at the other.

~+~

A bewildered Hoseok sees Jin in the corner of his eye walking in the bathroom that he knows for a fact that Taehyung was using. What are you two up to?

He elbows Yoongi, signaling the scene he just witnessed hoping he is not losing it. The older just winced slightly but continued to bob his head to the beat, knowing better than to engage with the other. Hoseok scoots closer to the grey-haired boy, his damn pineapple scent flooding Suga’s nostrils. What the hell is it? Is it his shampoo?

After a bunch of screaming muffled by the shower, everything seems to calm down for a few second. Hobi squints, his eyes still trained on the door, as if in the blink of an eye it can disappear all together.

A loud metal bang and cluttering comes out of the bathroom Taehyung’s voice screaming once more something about a curtain, Jin’s squeaky laughter probably sending signals of distress to whales. The grey-haired boy rolled his eyes at the debacle.

“Do you think they are boxing in the bathroom? Should we go in?”

Yoongi groans, “Seriously, why is everyone coming to me to talk about this?” He breathes out an exasperated and final “No.” Yoongi and Namjoon fought all the time when they lived together in that tiny dorm. It was natural to step on each other’s toes when living in the matchbox that they used to call home.

Hobi ignores the older’s antics, focusing on the reality tv show transmitting from the bathroom. A few more thumps are heard, and a visibly wet Jin comes out grinning. Hoseok audibly gasps and starts poking his hyung for attention, Yoongi stiffening as a rock refusing to pay him any attention.

The blonde, now a a dripping wet visual god, pops his head in Namjoon’s bedroom that he shared with Taehyung.

“Done,” Seokjin says with a classic smile and wink, his charm seemingly taking new heights.

Chapter Text

Suga was sitting in the makeup chair, his silky white neck exposed as his greyish head was hanging off the back support, arms limp on either side. A soft image that the staff has seen many times. With slightly parted pink lips and kitten-like closed eyelids, the boy was doing what he loves most: sleeping. The makeup artist was working away diligently on his face with breath-taking precision. Over the years, the boys adapted their sleep to any and all environments.

A shy, warm hand brushed through his locks lightly. “Sleeping beauty,” a familiar, chirpy voice hovers above him, making his heart jump out of his chest. He was just startled, that’s all. Nothing more than surprise, he tells himself. Yoongi’s eyes flutter open slowly like a scene out of a k-drama.

A well-known, heart-shaped smile decorated by two small dimples enters his vision. His breath hitched just a little as he realized that their noses were way closer than the distance he would normally like people to keep from him. Hoseok’s mulberry eyes were shining with a seriousness rarely encountered, yet his grin was painting him as an afternoon shine. They stared at each other for more than 10 second and Yoongi decided that’s long enough. For the millionth time in the past week, he decides to continue his activity and ignore the boy in front of him.

“Hey,” the other’s voice comes in a whisper bushing against Suga’s lips as his warm fingers now traced circles on his shoulder. The older groans, brows forming a bothered frown. His eyes open slightly and arms fold at his chest, as if willing to give his friend a few seconds to explain himself.

“Whatever happened two days ago seems to have brought things to normal,” the beautiful, hearty smile now spreading brighter engulfing Yoongi’s heart in it, and his playful eyes pointing at a devilish duo bickering in the corner.

“You should get your face ready instead of tiring yourself with dance,” Suga hears Tae’s raspy voice coming on as he directs his gaze towards the two just in time to see Taehyung’s finger poke at Jin.

“You don’t need to get ready when your face is born ready,” Jin chirps and Hoseok giggles at the cringy remark. Jimin starts laughing wholeheartedly in the background. God the kid loves his hyung too much , Yoongi says to himself.

“But you wouldn’t know,” the eldest adds, flicking Tae’s chin lightly with his index finger. The scene is a classic Tom and Jerry game the two had been playing for years. The sleepy grey-haired boy sighs as he settles himself deeper in the makeup chair, eyes darting to Hoseok.

“I told you not to worry. Now, was it really necessary to wake me up for that ?”

“You are the star of the MV so you had to wake up anyway,” Hobi shrugs walking away. Yoongi did not get the other’s fascination with the duo. Usually, Hoseok would barely butt-in, never mind gossip about other members’ business. The Tae-Jin affair has lasted for some time now, but it isn’t that different from the fights Hoseok and Jungkook had 2 years ago.

For months, the two fought on and off on food and sitting arrangements. Jungkook had the painful hobby of crashing in the old VMinHope dorm room (as they christened it). It was charming the first few times for Hobi to find a sleeping baby bunny Jungkook on his bed after a long gaming session with Jimin. But by the 6th time, the screaming matches and shoving started. Once, Yoongi had to come between them after the maknae ate the last banana. In time, they learnt that they are both very territorial and all they needed to do was to set some boundaries and borders.

The director walked in and asked the members to take their positions for the first scene.

~+~

They had 2 days in front of them to shoot the Fire music video. Their budget was bigger than usual due to complicated pyrotechnics, and a fire squad and ambulance on stand-by at all times in case of any emergency. To say the boys were giddy was an understatement. The video was very upbeat with jump-cuts of their dance in different scenes. Plus, for the first time the MV was centered around everyone’s favourite tsundere - Min Yoongi.

“We will have a real stunt man standing in front of you who will be set ablaze as you click on the button, Yoongi. So, we need precision and great timing from you,” the director eyes the grey-head.

“I… will be still holding his hand as the fire burns him?”

“Yes, his cloak is protective and drenched in a special flammable fluid where needed. You have 2 minutes to practice with the stuntman ahead of filming. Don’t worry. It’s completely safe. It’s only going to be his jacket, okay?”

Yoongi swallowed hard, feeling the bone touch the back of his throat. Hoseok was watching him closely as he was coaching Jin through the moves again. The grey-haired boy was muttering something to himself and then reached out to the stuntman shaking his hand. The cloaked, young man in front of him smiled reassuringly.

“Don’t worry! We are all professionals. Everything has been accounted for and tested. It’s really a piece of cake. I’ve done this hundreds of time.”

“I would’ve been calmer if it were thousands,” Yoongi comments under his breath. A heavy hand pet his back thoroughly almost mimicking a caress. He turned around with his mouth slightly open in search for the owner.

“Let Gloss show through!” a grinny Hoseok booms from behind him, followed swiftly by a hysterical laughter coming from Namjoon who was slapping his knee in the background. God, he hated ever showing the boys his entry video! He is going to regret it until he was dead. Or I could just murder them all, and bury them with my 15 year old self-built persona. Yoongi smiled at the thought and shook his head.

“Don’t do that,” Hoseok gives him a straight look.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Yoongi plays innocent pouting his words out.

“Stop killing us in your thoughts.” Hobi’s hand snaked around the shorter boy hugging him from behind in a playful half-chokehold. His nose was now nuzzling closely into Yoongi loudly sniffing intensely to further aggravate him.

“Why, why, why! What are you doing!! Are you mad?” Yoongi starts ducking his head and trying to avoid Hoseok’s more than friendly touch. His god-damned pineapple scent was rubbing all over him.

“You cannot escape us!” The golden-locked boy kept the other in place, a permanent heart-shaped smile warming in.

“Do you still have some of that flammable liquid?” a pouty and agitated Yoongi asks the laughing stuntman next to them. This boy will be the death of me, won’t he?

~+~

The two days passed by fairly quickly. By the end of day two, however, everyone was exhausted. The last dance needed to match with the other shots perfectly and they had been doing the routine for more than an hour now. The frustrations were growing so thickly that you could feel it in the power with which the boys were stomping the floor with every move. Sweat was running down the back of their shirts, breaths were coming hard in waves of exasperation, yet their smiles and model looks were picture-perfect.

“Cut! Cut!” the director shouts mid routine gesturing intensely. Protests rose from the boys as a hopeful Yoongi asks if they were done.

The director was well-known for his attention to detail and dedication to killer visuals. He stood in front of the boys with his arms folded at his chest and the brows furrowed under the frame of his glasses. His dark-brown serious gaze jumped from one boy to another, finally settling to a broad-shouldered figure in front of him. Seokjin stopped breathing.

“Jin, you moved in too slow at the ‘Bow Wow Wow Wow’ part. We need to redo it. Let’s make it the last one?” he finishes with a rhetorical question.

All the boys go back to their original positions. Seokjin could feel his heart pounding through his chest threatening to wreck his lungs, the suffocating anxiety coming back. Shit . He had to mess up, didn’t he? His legs were burning and aching so badly that he was pretty sure his muscles were going numb from the knees down. His breath was becoming laboured, drawing air between his teeth as he felt two eyes burning holes on the side of his neck. He met Tae’s stare. The redhead was talking to the choreographer, keeping his eyes on Jin. The only thing Jin could make out throughout the deafening, throbbing noise his heart was making in his ears was: “Maybe we can do without him. He’s at the back anyway.”

Seokjin swallowed dryly as his eyes dropped to the floor. His stomach was stirring as if a snake was becoming impatient and wanted out, squeezing his insides in protest. Sweat started gathering at his temples as the blonde boy squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that he could see white dots on the inside of his lids.

“Oh, and Taehyung!” The director’s voice startled Seokjin, his eyes snapping open. “You forgot to mouth the lyrics. It shows on the screen so keep that in mind as you dance?”

Smoke started gathering at their feet as if a spell was about to be put in action. Jin tilted his head up at the redhead that was now stunned in shame. His face was matching his hair colour. They locked eyes and while Tae’s were brewing a familiar poisonous potion ready to spew at Jin, the older’s glimmered with lies as he winked at the other. I wish something could wipe that smug look off his face, Taehyung prayed silently as the music started up again.

Thankfully, that was truly the last dance scene for that day. The last scene, however, was a badass solo shot of Jin with a burning car in the background. It was supposed to really portray Jin as the main bad boy of the group as the car exploded behind him. Seokjin was a bit worried about the whole ‘cool guys don’t look at explosions’ concept. He hated the past scenes that contained a simple burning fire in the background. The explosion noises and the constant threat of becoming the most handsome crispy chicken was a bit more than what he was comfortable with. There is nothing stopping you from being better, Jinnie.

He was sitting on the leather couch with his feet tucked under him. An enigmatic blank stare painting his normally pure face. The seat next to him dipped lightly. A small, warm hand started caressing his knee.

“I am going to wait for you, Hyung.” Jimin smiled brightly next to him, worry drowning his dashing eyes. That pulled Jin out of his thoughts.

“Ah… Jiminie, you are such a sweet angel. You truly love your hyung,” Jin replies in a baby voice pinching the other’s cheeks. Jimin got all flustered and started giggling instantly, his eyes now two bowls of happiness.

“Aiiishh! Hyung, stop,” he tries swatting away Jin’s hands. A serious expression makes its way onto his face, his eyes getting big. “You know you really look like a bad boy! Just up to no good.”

The blonde looked hesitantly at himself in the mirror across the couch. The snake in his stomach shifting, gripping tighter at his heart.

“It helps if you are a smug prince of evil to begin with,” Tae’s pointed voice comes from the doorway, making the two boys look up at him surprised. The handsome young man stood tall, chest forward, legs crossed and leaning against the open door frame. Seokjin felt his mouth go slack. So elegant and flawless . His smoky eyes were targeting the blonde boy on the couch.

“I didn’t know you thought of me as a prince,” Jin chimed as he stretched up and walked dangerously close to the younger. Jimin was snickering on the couch, a visibly flustered Tae shutting him up with a look. “You’re waiting for me too then?” Jin added while he was stepping in closely and smoothing Taehyung’s collar. His hands were brushing against the other’s smooth neck, sending him shivers. Their eyes locked when Jin swiftly looked up at him in a dramatic fashion.

Jimin could swear that the two looked as if they would either fight right there and then, or hate fuck. Either or, this game of chicken was a masculine assertion fest. Tae’s open mouth, however, was betraying him. He had no comeback. Jimin rolled his eyes.

“Let’s get this scene over with so we can go home. Do I need to remind you that we can’t do that if you murder each other?” he interrupts the classic Tae-Jin moment by pushing both boys out of the dressing room and onto the set.

Jin took his position. For some reason, the upsetting stirring that has tormented him for months had finally settled down. He sighed in the false relief. Taehyung and Jimin were watching their hyung at work from behind the camera crew. The music started and Jin was mouthing the lyrics seductively.

“Woaaah! He is such a handsome and professional idol! He looks great, really,” the shorter pulls his phone out filming Jin.

Taehyung folded his arms, taking a serious bodyguard stance. He cleared his throat in response to Jimin. “Is the explosion safe?” he asks a technician that was supervising the shoot with them.

“Yes, we tested it this morning. Don’t worry, kid!”

Tae never took his eyes off Jin, just nodded. He hated the pyrotechnics, he always felt fidgety around them. His stomach tightened swiftly with anticipation. The explosion was coming soon. Jin turned his back towards the camera and turned his head back, lips parted. Forbidden attraction . A muffled blow was heard faintly but there was no visible explosion. It must have failed.

The redhead sighed in relief a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. He was so childish. There was nothing to fear.

The technicians worked on the car for more than 20 minutes before Jin took back his place, ready to wrap up the day. It was time to prove himself as the main visual of the group. Make them all proud. The explosion will only highlight his beauty, the director remarked two days prior when they went over the scenes.

For the second time that day, Jin faced the car. Taehyung was watching him closely, the nagging feeling never leaving him. A loud boom is heard and a thick black smoke fills the room almost instantly at the same time as the alarm starts blaring. People start shouting for the firefighters to come in.

Without realizing, Taehyung’s legs started running towards the spot where a few seconds ago his blonde ‘arch-enemy’ was standing. The boy kneeled on the ground coughing heavily. Hot tears streamed down his face as his trembling hands were palming desperately the floor in search for the other. It was a pure instinctive reaction. Fear and shock acting as a catalyst for his movements - his mind paralyzed with smoke.

A screaming Jimin followed in after Tae. The redhead felt Jin’s soft fabric and his heart froze. His hand hurriedly clutched at the body in front of him. A thick, viscous liquid coated his hands as he reached the torso. He couldn’t tell what it was, but his breath hitched in reflex making him cough out the poisonous gas. Tae brings his face closer to Jin’s chest, fingers travelling upwards towards his head. He needs be alive. His heart stops one more time as he feels the same hot liquid all over Jin’s face.

Jimin finally caught up with the taller boy. A loud gasp escaped him when he bent down to see the other kneeling next to Jin. He immediately falls to his knees. He could faintly make out a blonde head with eyes closed and lips now shut tightly. An open wound was carved into his left cheek. Blood splattered all over his face. His once silky white face now tainted with the gore. A beautiful tragedy.

It reminded Jimin of his brother’s wedding, where they set free the most beautiful white dove only to be crushed seconds later by the catering van. He started screaming for the firefighters. His voice which was breaking with sobs was in return breaking Tae’s heart.

“He is here! Please come! Jin is hurt!”

Chapter Text

Jin – the model, the bad boy, the ‘world wide handsome guy’- stood in front of the camera, working his magic. Seokjin was tucked away in a corner of his heart, along with a collection of painful memories and other temptations and desires which he had repressed over the years. The real Seokjin would probably frown at the camera, blinking nervously and kicking the dust in front of him. He was never really into having his photo taken as a child. All he cared about was playing games in internet cafes. His childhood was not the most pleasant. He was the younger child, his brother never there to play with him, his father always away on business. Seokjin grew up as a simple pouty kid, with low interest in anything outside of being loud, playing, and cooking for himself at home after his mother’s recipes. So, he wasn’t the most popular kid. That was a huge misconception. He learnt to be social and to conform to certain behavioural standards the summer before high school which he spent at his uncle’s strawberry farm. That summer changed him in the charming Jin that he was today.

He swallowed hard and turned his back at the camera, eyeing the explosive car intensely. Come on, Jinnie. You can’t be a coward now. Your members need you to give your best. Show your charms. He smirked at himself as he was about to turn his head.

All he could remember afterwards was the loud noise that started it all. It happened pretty fast, but his brain perceived a slow-down version of the 5 second explosion and the 30 seconds of aftermath. The deafening sound made his ears ring powerfully, all the other noises coming in as if drowned in water. Simultaneously, an intoxicating, tar-like smell invaded his lungs, and breathing suddenly became no longer an option. Finally, a hot lightning grazed his face and torso. The sharp pain came only later, as he was gasping for air. His lungs could not expand to the fullest. And Seokjin’s head started spinning, he was losing control over his body, the same way he felt he was losing control over his life. He closed his eyes tightly, wincing.

Seokjin’s knees gave in like overcooked noodles. Somehow, he found himself on the floor, his back on the cold hard floor,  grasping at his burningly painful side. He was thankful for not witnessing the fall, or being there for the pain induced by the collision. It was too soon to speak. Adrenaline didn’t rush in completely yet because his face was contorting in pain, eyes fluttering open from time to time – a fight to stay awake. He felt this way once before.

One dreadful winter, he caught strep-throat from his lovely VV. To this day, he takes it as an omen. His throat was in pain, high fever was threatening to boil his brain like an instant ramen soup. Seokjin could not sleep for 3 days in a row, each night becoming more and more agonizing because of the pain. He tossed and turned in the first 2, downing four bottles of cough syrup, thinking it was just a common cold from sitting outside too long.

By day 3, Namjoon forced Jin to go to a walk-in clinic accompanied by an extremely worried Jimin. To their misfortune, they were all packed, and, after visiting three, they couldn’t get examined by any doctor. Christmas came the next day, and everything was closed off. They were forced to wait.

That night Seokjin thought he was going to either die or lose his mind completely. He hadn’t slept longer than 60 min in a row in 4 days, amounting to 12 hours of torturing, on-and-off sleep in 4 days. His throat was dry and burning as if hot volcanic rocks were making a home at the back of his mouth. Tears of frustration and a feeling of faint from the fever would course through him every time he would wake up.

His anxiety rose to new levels, that unlawful night. He couldn’t speak properly, breathe, eat or swallow properly in 4 days. Thoughts of death, of helplessness, of abandonment were bringing him to the darkest of places and the darkest of memories. His head fell exasperated on the pillow as hot tears were tainting now the fabric. Small whimpers and sounds of distress were escaping his mouth.

“Hyung?” the familiar voice of a favourite maknae came in a whisper. Jin refused to move or say anything. He couldn’t anyway.

“Hyung, it’s 4AM. I was going to the bathroom and I heard you cry.” Tae sits on the bed, next to him, settling a hand Jin’s soft locks. Taehyung caresses his head thoughtfully and gingerly as if a gust of wind could break his hyung in two. Seokjin’s breathin leveled a bit and he stopped crying. He hated this position of vulnerability with all his might.

“V---s-ssi” a broken and strained Jin calls to his Tae. Taehyung simply lays his whole body next to him, facing each other. His hands were still caressing Jin’s hair and face. His eyes were sparkling with a galaxy of wonder and awe. Pure puppy love.

“We are going to the clinic in a few hours. I am here for you, my silky prince.”

Next time His eyes opened and a dark figure was kneeling next to him. His heart stutters. He couldn’t make out any features, all he could feel were hot hands touching him, burning him in places that ached. A dark angel. Tears were coming to him in waves. He couldn’t go like this. He just couldn’t. If this creature came to take him, Seokjin was not ready. He didn’t show his worth yet. He didn’t make his mother proud yet. He had so many last words to say. Panic was eating away at his heart, smoke and pain crowding his mind and making him delusional. If only he had any power left in him to fight back.

The shadow leaned in closer and he could make out two sharp eyes and a familiar red tuft of hair peeking through the thick smog. His eyes water remembering that December night. Seokjin opens his lips to say something but his voice refuses to work so he just mouths a last prayer. A  merciless and final shot of pain coursed through his body, making the boy wince.

A bright haze settled in. You know that feeling of free falling when you are just on the brink of being asleep? Normally, your whole body jerks up as if it was your last attempt at life. They say that it is a primitive instinct, a way for your body to make sure all systems are still running. That’s what Seokjin was feeling, but the jerk to wake his senses up was never coming. A cold shiver ran through his body and his lungs clenched a if ready to let out an animalistic scream. It never came.

~+~

Taehyung watched terrified as the boy in front of him was being carried out on a stretcher. They cut off his shirt and put a temporary bandage on his left cheek and ribcage to stop the bleeding. Tubes from an oxygen mask were covering his face, but his blonde hairs were spread like a halo. He swallowed hard with guilt. His ears were still plugged from the bang, and probably from his heart beating like a racehorse on a final stretch. Tae’s eyes were bloodshot from the smoke and tears, his voice was hoarse and he felt like he is about to vomit any second now. It was hard to distinguish the physical pain from the one in his heart. His hands were still shaking, and he could see Seokjin’s blood drying under his nails. He bit his lip, chewing at it like it was tobacco.

Jimin rested a hand on his shoulder. “Manager-nim will ride with Jin at the hospital. He is not stable right now, but he will make it.”

Taehyung only nodded, his thoughts are far away to a winter night. Jimin opened his mouth, his full bottom lip quivering in anticipation of his words but decided instead to close it. He watched his friends face, moving both his hands around his neck, their foreheads now touching.The read-head felt a rush of fresh tears stinging his nose. His eyes teared up with beads of emotion. He tightened his lips into a thin line, the corners dragging down.

“Hey,” a soft Jimin voice comes in. More tears come in for Taehyung, threatening to spill over.

“Hey, hey, hey.” He lifts up his chin to face him. “He will be okay. Jin is a fighter.”

“You don’t know,” the other boy answers shaking his head. “This… is all my fault.” He bit his lip after his words rolled out as punishment for earlier statements.

Jimin hushed him while his arms wrapped him in a tight hug. He swung both their bodies slowly, side-to-side as if Tae was his baby. Park Jimin was the softest member in the band. He was the first and best person to take care of everybody. And Taehyung needed a lot of taken-care-of. They have been best friends for more than 4 years now. He knew him better than the redhead knew himself. His pain was Jimin’s pain and vice versa. Seeing Taehyung a broken, blubbering mess was a heart-breaking sight. He started petting his head while hushing him softly, his own tears threatening to roll down his soft cheeks like barrels of sorrow. He was crying for Jin as much as he was crying for Tae.

Sejin tapped Jimin gently on his shoulder. He was on the phone with Namjoon, breaking the bad news. Jimin took the phone and walked away, leaving behind a shaking Taehyung, sobbing loudly in Sejin’s palms.

“Hello?”

A sniffle came through the speaker. “They said he is in a critical condition. Unresponsive. How are you guys?”Jimin finally breaks down at the sound of Namjoon’s quivering voice, strained with tears.

“Hyung, there was so much blood,” Jimin mumbles through sobs and snot running down his face. His voice peaked a little when he repeated the last two words. He used the back of his sleeve to wipe away the liquids. “Taehyung was the first one to see him. He found him.” He shook his head, hoping the sight would go away. A few seconds pass when none of them saying anything.

“Listen, Jimin. Both of you need to take a ride home. You need to rest first. We will break it to the rest of the group in the morning. We will visit Jin in the morning too.” Namjoon’s voice was now strong, the voice of a leader. The leader they all needed him to be. In good times and in bad. Jimin just shook his head.

“Can you do that for me, Jimin? Can you take Taehyung and come home to rest?”

“Sorry, yes. Yes, I can. I will see you soon, Joonie-hyung.” The short boy gave the phone back to Sejin and whispered to him the instructions given by his hyung. The manager just nodded in response, walking towards their driver.

Taehyung was visibly gritting his teeth in an attempt to stop crying. Jimin wrapped his arms around his torso and leaned his chin on his shoulder. Warmth enveloped the two, hoping that-as it has always been- the boys will be each other’s pillar of strength once more. “We’re going home, TaeTae.”

Chapter Text

Jimin opened the door to the rooftop terrace. The cold air hit his face instantly, making his body shiver. It’s so stupid. It feels colder, emptier this morning than any other. He braced his upper body trying to warm himself up and stop the abrasive wind from scratching at his skin. The huge jumper he was wearing made him do sweater paws, in a very familiar Jimin fashion.

The raven-haired boy sighed deeply, his breath coming out in a cloud of white smoke. He came out seeking for his best friend, and, as always, the boy was at their meeting spot they had used thousands of times before. The place where two moon-kids would talk about life, music, love and everything in between. They had cried many silent tears, good and bad. They had many drunken laughs and happy dances. But when their lips became too heavy to carry their emotions, they would just sit in silence. The other’s warm shoulder being enough to cure the battle in their soul.

Taehyung was sitting on the floor behind the air conditioning vent, his lips were resting on his knees in a contemplative fashion.

“Hey,” Jimin’s voice broke softly against the wind as he sat down.

“Hey.”

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Tae just slowly shook his head. They sat in silence for a while. Jimin knew that what his friend needed now was space. In Taehyung fashion, he would never tell someone what is truly bothering him when asked. He would come to you when, as a stray calico cat, you have gained his trust.

Taehyung’s lower lip started quivering, and his heart shook with pain. A pain that never left since last summer. He exhaled half a whine. “Jimin… I am so scared.” He swallowed the tears that threatened him to run until the end of time. “It’s my fault. I lost him once. Now, I might lose him again… This time for good.”

Jimin placed a hand on Tae’s head, caressing him softly. He didn’t know completely what he meant by that, but he had a gut feeling. He wasn’t dumb, he saw their relationship developing and disintegrating in the past year. “He will be coming back home. None of us are losing him. It’s nobody’s fault.”

Tae started shaking his head in anger, now looking at his friend with a broken expression and tainted cheeks. “No. No! I did this to him,” he said poking at his own chest violently, more tears spilling over.

The raven-haired boy simply hugs Taehyung in all his anger, trying to subdue his pain, his emotions. “Shhh-“ but he was startled by his friend’s enormous hands pushing him away. As he fell back, Taehyung stood up with anger and fear mixing in his eyes.

“I wished him harm! I wished for him to learn a lesson! Do you get it now, Jimin?” the tall boy started shouting. “His dongsaeng, his band member, his…” but Tae’s voice got too low for Jimin to hear the last part. “For months, even minutes before it happened, I wished that karma gets him back. And now he is in the ICU.”

Jimin sighed once more while getting back up. “TaeTae, you were angry. That is understandable. You did not harm him. It was an accident.” He hugs Tae, and the boy lets him. What happened between the two of you? My sweet moon-child, how did you two get so messy? How did you hurt each other so badly?  He had so many questions for his confidant, yet he knew better than prodding. Especially at a moment like this. So he swallowed hard, and they both sniffled, tears pooling on each other’s shoulder. “He will be okay. He is coming home, Tae. He is coming home.”

They end up sitting up on the rooftop for a few more hours in silence. They contemplated last night’s events. Taehyung thought about where it all went wrong that Jin and he ended up here.  That terrible late August night breaks me in a million pieces still. He breaks me in a million pieces still… But Seokjin is also the only one who can put me together... I wish out real last words, before we became..’this’ weren’t ‘I love you’.

Jimin was thinking about the other boys’ reaction. How all of this affected them. Namjoon must have stayed up to learn more about Jin’s condition – if he stabilized or not. Will we be able to visit? What will happen to the tour? Will we have to cancel?

Their thoughts, and inner comments were fleeting by in a noisy storm. The city was all mute, but the morning was slowly creeping in. “It’s 6:30 AM. I am going to wake up Jungkook and the others. Are you coming?” Jimin dusted the back of his pants.

“I am coming in a few, when everyone is ready to go.”

~+~

Jimin slowly opened the door to the famous VMinKook bedroom.  To his surprise Hoseok’s bed was already done. He must’ve woken up already. At the other side of the room, Jungkook was sleeping peacefully under the covers. Blissfully unaware. He really hated to see his Kookie upset, so he knew that once he would wake up, the inevitable would happen.

Jimin sat on his bed and watched the boy’s even breath raise his chest and the blanket that cocooned him like a protective layer from the outside world. He slowly caressed his form, from the shoulder all the way to his knees. He didn’t have the heart wake up his precious bunny to terrible news. His heart started beating faster as he instinctually climbed in bed with Junkook and spooned him lightly, nuzzling into the back of his neck.

The familiar smell of marshmallows and honeydew filled his nostrils, so a smile crept in slowly. Jimin hugged Jungkook closer to his chest as the younger stirred at the change. He carefully left a couple of pecks on the other’s back. That made Jungkook open his eyes lazily, a displeased grunt leaving his lips.

Jimin’s heart dropped. “Hyung?” Jungkook’s morning voice was very low.

“Hmm?”

“Why did you wake me up, Jimin-ssi?” he said turning towards his hyung.

Jimin took a second to watch the young boy in front of him. The messy, matching black hair made Jungkook look even more ruggedly handsome. So unfair. Doe eyes were staring back into his, playfulness and love mixing in them like the flakes of a snow globe. Jimin couldn’t bring himself to break the bad news to him.

“Can’t your hyung seek some affection from his cutest dongsaeng?” a bright smile lit Jungkook’s heart in a giggle.

“Ahhh, Jimin-ssi!!! Aiygoo. If only I knew I was so loved,” he replied with pink dusting his cheeks and a smirk painting his face in a evil glow.

“You insult me! You know very well you are number 1.”

“Exactly what I like to hear,” Jungkook says while stretching his body. A flash of his abs, makes Jimin flustered.

“Ma! You brat!”

The boys laugh together for 5 more minutes, teasing each other and poking at the other’s sides. Finally, Jimin grew serious. He had to rip the band-aid fast. His favourite donsaeng would cry, but some things cannot be avoided in life. Plus he would rather break the bad news gently himself than have it heard from someone else. The straight face worried Jungkook. With big eyes he watched the older closely.

“Jungkookie, we need to talk,” he said pushing his hair back nervously. The maknae knew very well what that tick meant.

~+~

Small cold hands were clenched tightly together. Jimin was sitting beside the hospital bed with his legs crossed, biting at his lip nervously. The white was making his eyes hurt and his stomach turn. A doe-eyed, tear-streaked Jungkook was sitting in a chair beside him. His head was leaning on his hyung’s shoulder. They looked wrecked with guilt and worry. The light was streaming from the window behind them like a thin white silk scarf, graciously bathing Seokjin’s body in an ethereal glow. The maknae clasps his hand over Jimin’s, enveloping them in his warmth. He gives a light squeeze and that is enough to make the other’s eyes to water again for the nth time that day.

“I know,” his voice trailed off while he was blinking away the tears. As if words became too loud and disrespectful, the two remained silent. Jungkook sought Jimin’s cheek with his nose, his own red eyes betraying the brave façade.

Hoseok strutted in with decisive steps, Namjoon following behind him. The taller never looked more serious and somber, Yoongi noticed from his chair across the room.

“We talked to the staff and they said Jin is safe now, the operations were a success. The stitches should heal well, and there should be little to no scars. The shrapnel that ricocheted during the explosion was big enough that broke two of Jin’s ribs. His face is better, but he did suffer a concussion. He will stay in the hospital for 3 weeks under medical supervision.” Namjoon’s powerful voice was filling the silent room.

Hoseok furrowed his brow at the last few words. “They, unfortunately, did not say anything about the concert. We are discussing that tomorrow. They are giving us time as a team to settle our position. Plus, they are also busy with managing the media. As you saw outside, the news already spread.”

Yoongi clenched his fists in frustration and anger. “They should be busy suing the technician’s ass! If they would’ve done their job properly we wouldn’t have been here now! This is so stupid,” the grey-haired boy stormed out muttering to himself.

Jimin and Jungkook bent their heads and then went back to watching Seokjin as if he could disappear any second now if not supervised closely. Hoseok looked at Namjoon, eyes basically asking permission to take the two away. The leader nodded.

“We are going to visit again once he is up fully. The doctors said it is most likely tomorrow afternoon.” Hoseok’s face softened and patted the maknaes on their shoulders. “I know it’s hard, but Jin needs us to be safe and healthy for him now. Let’s go home.” His arm slipped under Jungkook’s, lifting him slowly.

The three leave the room silently. Namjoon turns around taking one last look at Seokjin. Their last conversation comes to mind. It seemed as if it was a fever dream now. Four nights ago, they were sitting in the living room, each lounging diagonally on an armchair with too much vodka in their system. The vision was blurry, soaked in the delicious poison they used to entertain themselves. They had been talking about all sorts of things. Namjoon was giggling to himself when Jin’s voice came in a serious tone, sobering him a little.

Jin had asked their ‘leader’ (as the blonde insisted upon calling him after a few drinks) if he ever thought the storyline was real to a certain extent. He looked… anxious, with a grimace on his face that was enigmatic. Namjoon thought that was an odd question to ask at the time but simply blamed it on the alcohol. Now it was giving him chills.

You see, the overarching storyline throughout the albums was terribly tragic, all revolving around one unlucky character. The young man splits his friends up, important people in his life die, he is simply cursed and alone. Haunted by his father’s actions, he repeats the same mistakes. He blames himself for everything. They gave Jin the role since he is a trained actor.

He let out a deep sigh, closing the door behind him.

~+~

Yoongi finds himself by his roommate’s side later that afternoon, putting more flowers in a vase and drawing the curtains. Tens of fans were gathered outside the hospital gates, arranging lights and flowers by the fence. Yoongi felt himself full of anger. It looks like a shrine… HE IS NOT DEAD! STOP IT! He just wanted to shout all his anger and frustrations at them. How dare they behave as if he is not coming back?! He knew very well those were not the fans’ intentions. But… he couldn’t help it. He was boiling with emotions.

The room was dark, he didn’t open the lights because he wanted his hyung to rest. His fingers were fidgeting as if an invisible piano was waiting to be played. His nerves were getting the best of him. He was always over-protective of his friends. He sat on a chair and watched Seokjin sleeping. The bandages around his face and torso made him look barely recognizable. The beeping of the machines in the room were providing him with an unsettling feeling in his stomach. His father can’t even come see him because he is away on business. Yoongi reached out and covered Jin with the blanket. His face softened at the thought of his eternal roommate.

“You are so stupid, you know?” the grey-haired boy starts talking to Jin. “You made us all so worried. You made me so worried. Not only with this, but with all the late night over-practice, the fights you have with Taehyung, the way you seem a million miles away when we are about to go on stage.” Yoongi shook his head thinking about the time he begged Sejin to look after Jin.

He pouted. “I am an old man, hyung. You can’t do this to me. You know very well that I don’t even watch horror movies. If I am gone who will write you songs? Who will produce your music? Who will complain about shootings with you?” A smile carved itself on his face. He took Jin’s hand in his big palm and squeezed lightly. “I wish you would’ve told me what is going on with you. I mean, some signs I know myself too. I’ve been there… I am there too. Anxiety is not an easy thing to manage, it makes you doubtful, it drives you insane to the point that you feel like you are cursed. That you are nothing.”

The smile faded away, and he retreated his hand. A concerned, melancholic look now sketched tiny lines above his brows and around his pouty mouth.

“Do you remember that time you found me crying in the bathroom before our first real concert. I was shaking so hard, I barely knew where I was. The week before I had so many panic attacks that I couldn’t leave my studio because I couldn’t trust myself that I can close it properly. You sat down with me on that filthy bathroom floor and talked to me for 30 minutes straight. It was about the stupidest things. About the time you fell off the bike when you were chasing a chicken at your uncle’s farm. That time you kissed a girl for the first time in middle-school and you had an upset stomach right after. Oh, you told me about how popular you were for Valentine’s Day at the all-boys high-school you went too.” Yoongi started chuckling lightly, his gummy smile showing. A fond feeling settled in the pit of his stomach and he felt warm for his roommate. He slowly reached a hand to the small portion of Jin’s face that was not covered with bandage and caressed it lightly.

“You are such a kind human. You showed me your sweetest side, and when you weren’t looking I saw your worst part too. If only you saw that it is not as bad as you paint it to be, as you torture yourself for it.” Yoongi sighed and set his hands on his lap, studying them out of shyness. “Do you remember the first time we had a movie night? You saw the burden in my eyes that day. You saw right through me and pretended you had no clue. Just an happy-go-lucky guy.”

“You pushed our beds together and chose Tazza. You were so damn annoying. You carried an old VHS player from your dad’s apartment and rented the original tape version.” He let out a soft laughter. “I was so closed off to you, to all members except Hoseok and RM which I knew for a long time. That movie night - seeing the effort you put into it all, by playing my favourite movie, by making me hot chocolate, even by cuddling with me, you showed me what a real older brother does for his dongsaengs. I was touched. Nobody cared enough to do such things for me before.” A tear came to Yoongi and he wiped it away slowly. He was not going to cry here. It would be so embarrassing.

“Hyung, I know you are going through many things. With yourself, with Taehyung, with your dad. But we will always be there for you. I will always be there for you. I have always been. Come back to us better.”

He got up and shoved his hands in the big pockets of his jacket. A shiver ran through him. “I miss you, Seokjin-Hyung.”

~+~

Jin woke up with a massive headache in the middle of the night, everything hazy around him still.  It felt as if an elephant dropped on him and now it was taking a nap on him. He knew he was at the hospital, he woke up several times before and the doctors explained to him what had happened. Bitterness and anger filled the emptiness in his heart as he touched the material wrapped around his head. He could feel the stitches in his skin. If they were tearing it apart or keeping it together – it was hard to distinguish it in the pain.  A muffled sound comes through the bandages. A terrible shot of pain made him close his eyes, the medicine was still coursing his system so that was enough to fall back asleep.

Minutes later, the door to his room opens slowly. A tall, lean figure, wearing a long coat enter the room. Taehyung immediately hit himself on a chair he didn’t see in the pitch darkness and whined lowly, rubbing the spot. His eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness. He could now see a grey version of the room, Jin sleeping softly in his bed. He hated seeing him like this.

Tae approaches Seokjin and sits on the side of the bed. The blonde boy stirred lightly and then settled on the side, facing him. Tears came to his eyes at the sight but decided to just bite them all back. He takes both of Seokjin’s hands in his, tucking them in his warmth. This seemed all very familiar.

“I stood no chance. I couldn’t help but set my sight on you and fall in love,” he says more to himself than to the patient in front of him. Taehyung could remember perfectly how it all started. “The red jacket.”

Three winters ago, a young boy by the name of Kim Taehyung came to Seoul not only with big dreams, but also a big red jacket. He loved the jacket because his grandmother gave it to him with the best intentions and the most love in the world that a grandmother could harbour. But it was still basically a target for all the teenagers in his high-school to pick on him and his Daegu accent. He would come to the dorm and secretly cry. Jimin helped each other a lot during that period and bonded over the discrimination they faced due to their accents.

They did not interact much before. But after six months of seeing the young boy avoid food and see him wandering around the dorm with red eyes, Jin asked Jimin what this was about. Seokjin felt his whole being lighting like a forest fire when he heard that the boys were bullied. He was the hyung in the house, he had to keep them protected the same way his brother did for him. He marched down to the school and filed a complaint about the discrimination they were facing not only from students, but also teachers.

His ears were burning red with anger and frustration when he got to his dad’s apartment. He searched for two hours around the house for the winter jacket he wore last year that would not fit him anymore. Alas, to no avail. He felt discouraged.

He came back to the dorm empty-handed and he hoped the complaint was enough. However, that day he came home to a fat-lipped Taehyung that ended up getting punched for ‘snitching’. Seokjin took his face in his hands, examining it closely. The cute, handsome and usually bright donsaeng was now tear-streaked, blood dried on his fat lip. A broken look in his eyes is what really set him off. He simply got up and took his winter jacket from the closet and handed it to him. Tae’s heart was racing to no end.

“This is yours. Starting tomorrow you will be using this to go to school,” a furrowed brown Jin said handing him the coat. Sure, it was slightly bigger than him, but it was so fashionable.

Taehyung blushed so hard, his cheeks matched with his old jacket. “Hyung, I can’t. This is yours. Plus, it’s a brand jacket.”

“I know the red coat is emotionally important to you. You can wear it when you’re not at school. As for me, it’s fine. I will just ask my father for another and say I ripped mine. Don’t worry about me.” Jin walked away to his room. The young boy was left there dumbstruck and star-struck all at the same time. Of course, he ran straight to Jimin to tell him.

The whines and the stirring snapped Taehyung out of his walk down memory lane. Seokjin was having a fever. The red-head reached to touch the other’s forehead when a strong hand gripped his wrist halfway there, holding it hostage in the air. Jin’s eyes were as dark as a stormy ocean, or a possessed animal. Nothing but anger there. Maybe not for Taehyung but, surely, he was the closest to let it spill onto.

“What. Are. You. Doing?!” he growled loudly, the sound coming out dragged since Jin couldn’t move his face properly because of the stitches. The young boy looked at him stunned, mouth agape. The blonde flicked the other’s arm away when the answer didn’t come in 10 seconds.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!” he growled louder this time. The echo filling the empty room and the darkness in it. A rumble in his heart was breaking open, tears of frustration and pain threatening to spill over.

“I came to stay with you, to see how you are.” Tae’s voice trembled a bit.

“How do you think I am doing? I am fucking ruined!” Jin’s voice got even louder, one pitch higher and at least one stitch would pop. The pain made his face muscles grip at the bones underneath.

Taehyung never heard his hyung curse like that before. He swallowed hard, trying to calm himself. “Hyung, they said that-“

“-Get the fuck out! You are the last person I want to see!”

Tae’s eyes got even bigger. He couldn’t believe Seokjin’s behavior. He had never seen him so worked up like this. He didn’t move, and surely he couldn’t find what to say to diffuse the situation.

“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!”

Taehyung frowned, anger rubbing onto him too. The red cheeks only showed where hurt and embarrassment slapped him. He took three large steps and reached the door, opening it. He glanced back at Seokjin, thinking about the pain and fear he had for him under all this anger. The red-head watched his eldest hyung press the button for the painkillers to be administered. If only I had this option too.

He slammed the door behind him.

Chapter Text

Hello everyone,

First I want to thank you for sticking by the fic and leaving comments and kudos, you are really so sweet! All the questions or comments help me better the story as we go on.

Due to personal issues, I won’t be able to post the chapters this week. As I mentioned last time the schedule will now be every Tuesday and Thursday. I apologize for the lack of chapter this week but the schedule will go back to normal next week.

I hope you understand <3

Chapter Text

They were all sitting around in a misarranged circle in the living room. The light that was coming in through the 3-foot tall window felt a little too bright. Jungkook and Jimin were resigned, keeping their face up only by propping it with their fists. They looked like two statues with the same frown and pout carved on their face. Jungkook’s eyes were bigger than usual, cheeks were red from the tears that have been thoroughly wiped away by Jimin’s sleeve.

Taehyung was on the opposite side. Sitting on a chair with an empty stare fixed somewhere far on the outside world, his lips were slack. That’s what he did best. He masked his pain, his fears and anxiety with a straight face. Blankly staring into space. It looked as if there was nothing coming in nothing, coming out. An angered sea was drowning him slowly, painfully. Inside him a hurricane was screaming his sorrow. His ears were buzzing with a grey noise, muting all the voices around him.

Hoseok was standing with one hand on Yoongi’s shoulder, a black coffee in the other. His eyes were trained on Namjoon. He sipped some of the scolding hot liquid and his furrowed brows settled into a line.

“As you know, we talked with the managers and they gave us an ultimatum. Today we are meeting with them at the hospital.” Namjoon stopped to look at each one of the members in the eyes. “I discussed with all of you in private about the next steps we considered. I know some of you were very vocal about this. It is definitely not easy for any of us. Today, we are settling it as a group. There are two options we outlined multiple times:

1. We perform the comeback without Jin, and he will be at able to join us after Seoul. Or..
2. We delay the first 5 concerts, until Jin can join us, and only start the tour in 3 weeks. This was we won’t have a 7-1 comeback.”

Taehyung switched his glare to Namjoon, his arms folding at his chest. A defensive pose he took towards the leader many a times before. Taehyung’s eyes were like a coffee pot full to the brim, bubbling dangerously at the top. Namjoon stared back, but then decided to refrain from addressing him directly.

“Jin-hyung, just like all of us, is an important part of Bangtan. He has always been next to us, he has always supported us selflessly. We are well aware that a lot is riding on this. If we want to repay everybody’s efforts, to make all our sacrifices worthy, we need to keep our momentum and do those concerts. We will have a message from Jin-hyung and BigHit sent out ahead of time. The fans will understand too… But…

Enough from me. We have talked about this a lot yesterday and today. Let’s put it to a vote. Are there any remarks you want to make beforehand?”

“Jin-hyung has always been there for Bangtan. So where is Bangtan when he needs us? We are—JUST GOING TO LEAVE HIM BEHIND?” Tae’s voice cracked into an angry scream.

“Taehyung, we talked about this. He won’t be left behind. We will visit him after the concerts, he will have a video playing during concerts for army. Adjustments will be made. He will understand,” Yoongi mumbled in his permanent monotone pout.

Isn’t it funny? People always use your first name to address you in moments like this, as if you forgot where you were and who you were. A reminder that your place is over there and not here. Tae’s sharp look switched to him. He tried to control his anger, but the more he subdued it the more tears were threatening to spill out. He swallowed words that would cut unnecessarily deep. “So, we are voting without him present? Like cowards?”

Yoongi frowned and his mouth opened, ready to shoot a hot scolding towards the young redhead. Hoseok stopped him by pinching his shoulder lightly, and answered instead: “Listen, Taehyung. This is not an easy decision, we are facing the consequences no matter the choice we make today. There will be armies that will be upset in either situation. There is no right answer. The only thing that changes is the outcome. Will we come out of it all stronger?”

Jungkook raised his eyebrows, his voice coming in a mumbled whisper. “Taehyung hyung is right. Why aren’t we doing this with him? It is about him, in the end.”

Namjoon sighed, a cloud of tiredness and exhaustion enveloping him. He scratched the top of his head, as he always did before giving some tough fatherly love. “You want to take Jin-hyung’s side, but aren’t you being selfish? You think you know what he would decide, but do you? Our hyung would never take a selfish path, he would want us to succeed. We all know in our hearts that he would be so much angrier with himself if we would postpone. I am not saying this is what we will decide… In case we do, just know that Jin-hyung would hurt that much more if we don’t. Think of him, don’t think of yourself.”

Taehyung felt his cheeks get red with anger and shame mixed in one. He knew Jin well. More than any of you know. He couldn’t bare seeing everyone betraying Seokjin like this. He wasn’t selfish. He knew SeokJin-hyung. He knew him… H-he knew him. His heart sped up its rhythm. This is stupid. The blank stare returned, now he was closely examining nothing particular on the carpet, his hands digging in his pockets. Fucking Namjoon.

“Let’s vote. Who is for option one: concert without Jin-hyung?”

Everyone puts their hand up besides Jungkook and Taehyung. The maknae was watching his hyung intently, searching with hope for any sign to confirm that they would fight this together.

“Alright. Who is for option two: delaying the concert?”

Jungkook raised his hand up high with determination in his doe eyes, a passion that usually comes with new songs and new choreographies. All eyes were on Taehyung. However, Taehyung never moved. Namjoon sighed briefly and cleared his voice. He knew very well what this was about.

“Who abstains?”

The red-head raised his hand.

“Alright. Everyone, get read! We are going to the hospital with our decision. We will put up the conditions we have around Jin-hyung so that he feels included too.” Taehyung got up without a word and left through the front door, the blank stare still on, hands still tucked in his slacks.

~+~

Isn’t it such a great guarantee that no matter what happens during the day, the night will always come to smooth over any crease the light left behind? When the last drop of shadow engulfs the earth, the worries of today seem to settle down for digestion. And, sure, there are many nights when the events of today are only amplified in the middle of the blackness, in the loneliness that it creates. Yet, they feel like secrets that you can share with a sleepy world. As if a part of them are just a nightmare that would pass.

Taehyung always loved the feeling of darkness and the quietness that only nights can bring. There was a peace that would settle in his heart, and, with it, he felt braver, capable to be himself. No masks. No second-guessing.

A small yellow light was crawling underneath the hospital door, spilling onto the hallway. He shuffled briefly and opened the door slowly without knocking. Seokjin was sitting in his bed, propped up by pillows, with a book in his long slender hands. Lazily, he looked up at the intruder. His eyes shifted for a second.

“Do you not know how to knock?” Jin’s asked in his smartass voice.

Taehyung chuckled mockingly and felt all his muscles aching after the monstrous rehearsal they had today. The changes to the choreography to fit the six had to be adapted fast. He slowly and carefully sat on the chair near the bed. The blonde put his book down, giving all his attention to the other who was now shivering lightly.

“You didn’t come with the others today, Taehyung.”

The red-head bent his head down and rubbed the back of his neck. Seokjin knew him all too well. He was torturing him slowly by making him face his feelings – making him uncomfortable. I don’t know if it is ironic or hypocritical coming from me.

“Yeah… I was tired. I couldn’t wake up. You know me-”

“They thought you would have been already here when they arrived. They said you had already left.”

“Ahh-“ No teasing comment was coming to Taehyung. The throbbing pain in his body was impairing his hatred for the other he had been carrying with him for the past 6 months. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

Jin would have love to keep torturing the boy in front of him some more, a desire to twist his heart with his bare hands. A need to squeeze his true feelings out and drink them in. A wicked tug in his heart whispering a damned spell: “This is what love is like. The pain of loving haunts you two. Just embrace it.” Seokjin shook the voice away, kind, almond eyes now watching the tired mess in front of him. An empathetic half-smile crept on his face.

“You were sleep-walking again, Taehyung-ah! Either that or you got lost on the streets knowing the airhead that you are. Nothing else to be expected of you.” A low, trembling chuckle came out from under the bandages. The boy winced right away. Taehyung rose his eyes at the strangled voice. His body was hurting less, the more he was focused on the young man in front of him.

“Does it hurt?”

Seokjin shook his head lightly. “Not really, not anymore. Yesterday it was bad. Now, the face is mainly numb unless I move it a lot. That’s why my speech is weird. They happily told me that more pressure is put on the stitches, the more chances I have towards a big fat ugly scar.” His eyes dropped slightly, but quickly his hand rose to his ribcage. “The chest is a different story. This motherfucker hurts a lot. Having a broken rib, and huge cuts is not fun at all.”

“I can imagine." The younger found his voice catching a little at the back of his throat on words that his heart was pushing out. Words that he would rather not say to Jin after all this time. Words that come out no matter what. "I… I am sorry, hyung.” For so many things...

“For what? I blame you for a lot of things but this, unfortunately, I cannot. Especially after the fact that you saved me.” Taehyung’s eyes got big at the last words. Shit. “Jimin told me…”

A silent break settles between them. The blonde man was watching the other with a serious face on, a knowing look. Taehyung shifted slightly in his seat, feelings from when he was younger coming back to him. They were making his throbbing body calm down and vibrate with warmth. They made him sick, sick with memories.

“I told Jimin: knowing you, I would’ve thought you pushed me into the fire,” a struggled laugh came out of Jin’s throat.

“Maybe I should have,” Tae said with a sly smile on his face.

“Maybe you should have, since now I am barely any use to Bangtan.” He meant it more as a joke, but it somehow it came out bitter like a molasses cookie that stood in the oven for too long.

“You know, two weeks ago I would have celebrated not having you in the same room. But now… I am sorry, hyung.”

Tears slowly clouded SeokJin’s eyes, none actually tainting his cheeks. An internal battle of bravery and emotion was pushing them all somewhere down. Thankfully, his usual mask came right up again, lately it has been hard to summon it.

“Yeah… I will be there in energy if not in presence. So, don’t get too, too comfortable, brat,” he lightly slapped Taehyung’s knee. The other looked at the hand which was now resting on his upper thigh. A familiar feeling in his gut stirred his insides thoroughly. A familiar smell of freezing air hit his lungs. His heart knew it all too well. He looked at his wrist watch quickly.

“I’ll come visit you after every concert.” The red-head got up from the chair, inching towards the door. His voice was softer than usual, so he adjusts it slightly, leaving a trace of emotion behind. “You can’t be slacking off, you need to recover faster and stop messing up our plans.”

“Ahhh! And I was hoping I would have a break from your dumb-looking face. With you around every night, I will have nightmares for sure. Unless..” Jin sets up his arms so that his face can wresting dreamily on the palm of his hands. “Taehyungie, all those late-night visits should not give you any ideas. I am not easy to be taken advantage of, even if in a hospital bed.” A sly, teaseful smile smeared on his lips.

The young man turned around with a straight, thunderous face that Seokjin had seen before, unfortunately. A cold, deep voice cut him like a knife. “I should know,” and he reached for the handle.

“Taehyung!”

The boy froze in his movements, yet the frown still summoning a thunderstorm.

“Thank you!” A soft-voiced Seokjin said in a low voice, as if a secret was about to unravel.

And like the mystery of the night that takes any worry away, his brows unknotted from the frown. A well-known blank stare took its place, softer eyes shining from under his red bangs. He nodded slightly and left.

Chapter Text

The studio was more suffocating than ever. Everybody’s hot breath and sweat was accumulating in the air, making it hard to breathe without feeling thorned roses grow in Taehyung’s lungs. His breath was coming in waves, each one hitting harder when exhaled. Hoseok and Namjoon were keeping a close eye on him. The clock was showing 11:30 PM.  Taehyung bent towards the floor, resting his hands on his knees. Trickles of sweat were running from his scalp to the tip of his nose and jumping off like in the Olympics. He wished he could do the same. Sometimes thoughts are too much… too many. Too invasive. Tomorrow is the first concert.

“Taehyung-ah we are starting sound check and all early tomorrow.” A well-known low, fatherly voice came in. Long, warm hands patted his shoulder. “Let’s go home and rest.” Namjoon, in a very classic version of himself, smiled with poppy dimples and kind eyes at the younger.

The redhead coughed out a choked chuckle and nodded, letting his signature boxy smile stroke his face. “I will. I just need to arrange some things tonight.”

“It’s quiet without him isn’t it?”

Tae raised an eyebrow and inhaled sharply.

“The vibes are not the same. No one to make us laugh and warm up the room.” Eyes met Tae’s. “No one to bicker with anymore. Odd, right?”

“Hmmm…” A blank carnival mask with no expression or sentiment showing the true identity of its owner, installed itself on Taehyung’s face. It was useless to try and decipher the young man. It was definitely worth pushing for an answer though. After 5 minutes, the room was empty. The spotlights were making the room a bit too bright than it should be. Than Taehyung needed it to be.

“What am I doing?” the young boy whispered to himself. He took the duffle bag and left.

~+~

The cold air was catching at his lungs. The walk to the hospital felt longer this time. Maybe because his thoughts were sluggish, each one being slowly digested. A blue light flickered on his face, in a silent morse code. Should I? A voice that took permanent residence in his mind was coming to life, after months of being silenced.

“Yah, Taehyung-ah! The food hear is so bad.” Seokjin said stuffing his face with more chocolate pudding. “At this rate I will die due to malnutrition more than anything.”

“At this rate you will become a pig  more than anything. That was my cup of pudding you just ate. And you ate all the food on the tray.” He pinched Jin’s ear playfully, laughing. “By the end of the comeback we will have to roll you of the stage.”

“You brat! Stop pinching my ears.” Jin started rubbing them thoroughly. “Just because you look like Dumbo, doesn’t mean I should too.” The windshield wiper laughter filled the room as Taehyung threw magazines at him.

“Hyuuung!”

The night time visits persisted throughout the 2 weeks that Jin was in the hospital. They spent lots of time in silence, sometimes playing card games, sometimes he would be joined by Jimin or Jungkook or Yoongi. The teasing and the back and forth persisted too. But it grew… differently. Sometimes their eyes would linger for too long and the poison in their iris would turn into water. Sometimes their slaps would become simple touches, harsh caresses. And sometimes nobody’s feelings got hurt that night. Now that was a first in more than 7 months now.

He stepped inside the shop and a familiar aroma hit him. Sweet. He fixed his mask on a little better and pulled the hoody closer. The rehearsal was taking a toll on him lately. His feet dragged all the way to the counter. A smiling middle-aged man greeted him brightly. The glasses were tipping on the edge of his nose and his hair was thinning in the front. It reminded Tae of his father. How come everyone he loves is so far away from him? The thought passed through his mind like a high-speed train, never really stopping, never really hurting him. Yet two tracks were left behind.

“Could I have two honeydew ice creams please?”

Maybe getting the ice creams and fisting them in the front pocket of his hoody was not the best decision he ever made. Then again when did he make a good one? But the regret was even more apparent now as he waited at the back entrance of the hospital for a worker to come out for a smoke. The cold air coming from the hidden treats was giving his tummy shivers. It was long past visiting time. As always. And fans were still gathered in front of the hospital. It would have been foolish to try and take the front door. So,here he was. He just waited in the dead of the night with his back leaning against the wall and his head hung low, searching for thoughts to cover up the inevitable overthinking that would trial his foolish behaviour. The metal lighter he was always carrying around became his nervous tick. Opening and closing the lid, the small “tack. tack. tack” noise was sending his thought bubbles in a trance of calmness. Of nothingness.

The door opened, and a man came out with a pack of cigarettes in his hand. Swift as the wind, Taehyung slid through the door before it would close. Just like when he was 15, his heart was racing louder with every step he took up the stairs. He pushed the mask aside to let the fresh air revive his lungs and reduce the burning sensation in his thighs. By the time he reached the room, his fears just washed away. To his surprise it was empty, the bed undone. He just sat on it with a thud. He was… umm…Waiting?

Jin was in the bathroom. Only the night light was on, as if he was working on a dirty secret. One that light could not touch, and even he could barely stand to see. Earlier today, the bandages finally came off his face, just some stitches left running from above the left corner of his mouth to the back of the cheekbone. The doctors said that only hairline marks will be left behind. Jin, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure. His thin, long fingers stretched gently towards the cracks that covered his left side. They were hovering over them slightly, barely touching them as if to check if this was still real. He winced, drawing in air through his teeth. His right hand gripped the sink tightly in frustration and pain. A struggled, guttural teeth-spoken “yaaaaaah” came out of him. He didn’t want this.

The door to the bathroom opened slightly. A doe-eyed, worried Taehyung pocked his head in. All he could see was a shirtless Jin, hunched over the sink, hair covering his face. Normally, this sight would send electric shots through his body. Right now, he felt, as he had been feeling for the past two weeks, that his world was spiraling in a terrifying pull.

“Hyung?”

Sniffles came in quickly, as SeokJin was trying to pull himself together. “Ahh, V-issi. You came again. You know it’s really hard to hate you when you are the only one visiting me so regularly.” You could hear his usual leisurely air and smile coming out with the words. The Jin mask he had developed.

The older boy finally faced him. Tae couldn’t help but stare at the stitches that were now looking red and one was bleeding slightly. Without a thought, he grabbed a tissue and cupped Jin’s face. He was always a one-track mind sort of boy. So, the blonde man let him slowly tap away the blood. His eyes were watching Taehyung’s mouth open and close gently with every pat, his plump lips glistening slightly. Tae’s eyes were soft and gentle like fresh taffy, so pliable, so warm. Jin’s hand grabbed at his wrist to stop him, and their eyes finally met. Jin- as determined as ever, Taehyung- as surprised and as flustered as he had been as a teenager.

“Your comeback is tomorrow.”

“Our comeback.” Taehyung’s arm fell by his body. They were standing in the darkness of the bathroom, closer than two friends or enemies should.

“You need rest. Bangtan needs to perform well.”

“Are you worried about me, hyung?” Tae asked slyly, the known smirk brushing against his teeth.

“I am worried Big Hit will kick you out and all you will do with your free time is pester me.” Jin flicked the other’s chin and walked to sit on his bed again.

“Ahh, hyung. I wouldn’t be worried about that. If they haven’t kicked you out after so many years, surely they will keep a talent like me for longer.”

Jin smiled at the last remark and nodded at the other. “Is everything ready?”

Tae took a seat on the bed at the opposite side. “As ready as it can be. We have your video, we have the extra footage we filmed this weekend.” He shrugged slightly.

“It sounds like Bangtan is ready for a comeback.”

“Hyung, we can’t be Bangtan without you. Namjoon wrote his speech for the comeback. Without one member, the group is not BTS. So, until you return on stage with us, we will always be lacking.” He saw the change in Jin’s face from sadness to overconfidence and immediately he knew he made a mistake. A low voice replaced his. “But that’s a pile of bullshit that Joonie always likes to write, if you ask me.”

“Ah, V-issi. If I wouldn’t know you, I’d say you cared about me for a second,” he said punching the other lightly.

Taehyung laughed and rubbed the spot where the fist marked him. “Aaaaah, Hyuuung! If ever I cared, now it is all gone.”

“Oh is it? Then what is that under your hoody? Do you care that much about me?” Jin said leaning in closer than Tae could accept. The flustered redhead took out two half-melted ice creams, throwing one at Jin.

“Ma, you brat! It’s melted. What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Last time I came here, you complained about the food for so long that I thought I would be able to shut you up this time.” He grinned big as he was opening the honeydew ice cream.

“You got the honeydew one?” Seokjin said looking down at the package in his hands. Memories of a painful past were knocking slowly at his heart. Shut up.

“Yeah.” Taehyung said while biting into his and getting an instant brain freeze which only left him wincing in pain for 30 seconds. In the mean time, the blonde patient kept fixing his stare on the ice cream in front of him. A smell of summer air and honeydew kisses hit him in the chest. A slight panic was bubbling somewhere deep in his heart. He was doing his best to suffocate it.

“We used to eat those all the time as trainees,” Taehyung said casually. Seokjin looked at the redhead who was too busy with the ice cream to pay him any attention. His lungs were burning with anger and passion at the same time. Is he doing this on purpose? His mouth was open, ready to spew the usual poison and green bile on the other. But decided against it. He just got up and put it in the mini-fridge. He didn’t need to try it, he knew the taste too well.

“Yah, so disrespectful. I brought it in for you. I had to sneak in and keep them safe. And you don’t eat it?” His mouth was full of melted ice cream.

“I’m not hungry,” Seokjin said while putting on a thick black hoody. He then walked on the terrace without looking back. Thoughts crowding him.

Taehyung followed him outside shortly after.

“Why are you being so dramatic?” the young man asked him while tossing the stick somewhere in the darkness. Seokjin did not reply. He kept leaning on the railing and looking down at the empty pavement beneath them.

“Why are you here?” A cloud of white air circled him as he spoke. It was the dead of night and the temperatures were still hitting below zero even though it was spring. The red head had no response for him. He scratched the back of his head as he joined Jin in leaning on the metal bar. The only thing that was holding them from falling. He watched the city skyline, scanning it over several times. As if trying to find the answer for himself too. Instead a feeling of dread hit him in the guts as his eyes rested on Jin’s sweater paws.

“Hyung? Why did you say ‘let go’?”

Seokjin didn’t have to ask what the young man was referring to, he didn’t have to pretend he didn’t hear the question.  He knew it was about the explosion. His words to Taehyung, seconds before he passed out. He didn’t try to blame them on anything. He just wanted… Well… He didn’t know what he wanted. So, he just said what was floating on the top layer of his heart. Words once unspoken, now coming to life.

“Sometimes you hold onto things for too long, even when they lost their value. Even when they hurt you. Because you have this instinct of fighting. Since I gave up then and I was slipping away, I wanted you to respect my decision. Nobody asked you to fight for me.”

“I see.” The warm hand which minutes earlier held his in a familiar embrace, now looked so small and ashy. Poisoned. He got up and sat on the concrete floor behind Jin instead. Somehow, he didn’t feel bad, he wasn’t angry. He didn’t feel anything besides… understanding? As if their past was slowly being erased. Or replaced.

“Remember that time you gave me your winter jacket?”

Seokjin’s back was burning all of a sudden. The tip of his ears lit up like the small airplane red lights.

“I thought I would always be bullied by those people. I thought I had no hope, and I had to accept my fate as a countryside boy. An outcast.”

Seokjin never moved. He was just listening in. What is he doing?

“The truth is I still got into fights afterwards. And people still bullied me, while the professors never did anything about it. You didn’t change the world. You didn’t make those people better.”

The slow burn of hate and anger was now lighting Jin like a human bonfire. He was about to explode any second now.

“But it changed me.” The anger suddenly vanished when the blonde boy heard the last words. What game is this? “I may have gotten into fights, and I may have been bullied, but I never let it affect me again. My attitude changed. I learnt what it really means to be a fighter. It’s not about not giving up. It’s amor fati.”

Seokjin kept leaning on the metal railing, his hands now hugging his sides. His eyes were watching one distant spot in the horizon. Processing everything. His mouth was slack. Idle in the anticipation of words but none came out.

Taehyung got up and dusted himself off. He could see the sky getting lighter. It was probably 4 AM.

“The only way to truly sabotage you is to fill you up like a pig. And the hospital food just won’t do. If you can survive a few scratches from an explosion, I need real food to make you fat. I will cook for you, hyung!”

The terrace door slammed shut. Seokjin’s head was buzzing like an agitated bee’s nest. What was that all about? A useless question he asked himself. The low rumbling in his chest already knew the answer. He shook his head. No.

~+~

Hoseok opened his eyes at the sound of movement. The movie credits were still rolling on the TV screen in front of the bed. Since Jin had been gone, Yoongi had been a bit restless with worry. Something that no one would have guessed or noticed, besides Hoseok. The grey-haired boy had been biting his nails more, he was grumpier than usual in the morning and the coffee he made was more bitter than an acetaminophen shot. Hobi suggested to him a few nights ago to have a movie night, the way he had with Jin. Beds stuck together, cuddling, hot cocoa. The whole package. At the time, the grumpy gremlin with which Hoseok was heavily enamoured by now only scoffed and said “Pass”.

Lats night, he finally came around. He pushed the beds together himself and dragged Hoseok in saying he just bought a remastered, HD version of Tazza they should watch since ‘you’ve been insisting so much. I don’t want you to cry because of me.’  Hoseok decided to take full advantage of this and turned on the heat – a guaranteed technique to make the older fall asleep in his arms.

Yoongi was now curled up to his left side in a fetal position, the blanket holding him in a warm cocoon. The golden-locked boy smiled fondly and a desire to caress the other’s back washed over him. Footsteps creaked around the house through the corridor, towards Namjoon’s bedroom. He got up slowly and cracked open the door. One eye was peeking through in search for the intruder. He saw Taehyung, wearing the same clothes from rehearsal getting into his bedroom. The clock was pointing its fingers at 4 and 35 minutes. Two more hours until they were supposed to be up and on their way to soundcheck. It was the third time this week he saw Tae coming home late. Behind him a thick trail of bleach and doctor’s office type of smell was lingering on.

Hoseok gently pushes Yoongi awake. The older man growls and grunts, resisting the attack. “Yoongi… Pssst! Yoongi!” He leaned in closer and basically threw his whole body on top of the sleeping boy.

“Ahhh!! Hoseok-ah! Do you want to put in me in a hospital? What the fu-“ he wanted to keep shouting but a hand muffled in his screams. His eyes got big, watching the other closely. What the fuck, Hobi?

 Hoseok leaned in close to his lips. “Shhh! Taehyung came late at home again. I think he is seeing Jin-hyung at the hospital. Something is up between them. And not just rivalry or something. Tae tried to protect Jin so much recently… He is going out to see him. If media catches wind-“

“He is not going to see Jin. There is no guarantee that he is visiting him.” Yoongi said after pushing Hobi’s hand off his mouth. Their chests were resting together, heat emanating and burning between them. For a second Yoongi wondered if Hoseok could feel the loud thuds underneath his ribcage.

“Actually… I may have sneaked out after him last week.” The grey-haired boy frowned in disapproval at the last words. “What?! I was worried.. It was totally valid. He didn’t seem to be himself. He wasn’t eating much and he was always sneaking out with an excuse.”

“Hoseok-ah!”

“Listen, before you go on one of your tangents about trusting the members and how you and Namjoon have known each other since the big bang: HERE!” He said shoving the phone in front of Yoongi’s eyes. They took a second to focus on what is in front of him. And when they do, he saw two familiar figures sitting on a bed and playing cards. Jin’s hand was on Tae’s thigh, and his head was thrown back in laughter. Taehyung was grinning widely and fixing the other with a look which couldn’t be described other than a combination of the devil emoji and heart eyes emoji. To the younger’s surprise, Yoongi decided he saw enough and pushed the phone to the side with a bored look on.

Hoseok frowned. “You don’t want to help me with this. Although it is obvious that this is a situation waiting to happen. I am going to go and confront Taehyung myself. Something has been fishy for a while.” Yoongi caught his wrist as the young man pushed himself off the bed.

“Stop being stupid. They have this under control.” The golden-haired boy looked back with a face painted in anger and astonishment. With lazy eyes, the other continued: “If they are back at it as you are hinting they may be… Then we will keep a close eye on him. I promise you that.” Yoongi got up, still holding the other’s wrist and lifted the mattress. “Let me show you something.”

Hoseok’s eyes got big with shock when his friend took out a pink book from Jin’s bed.

“If what we saw is really happening, then they need adult supervision. Last time, I did my best. This time I need help from you.”

The tall dancer started scratching his head in confusion. “What is this? What happened before? What are you talking about, Yoongs?” They both sat on top of the mattress- feet under them like kindergarten kids ready for a story.

“To our salvation, SeokJin is not an open book, but he does have one. I am not proud to say this, but when things got weird between the two and Jin was coming home late, I did something which I wish I didn’t have to. Now, we will do the same sacrifice together,” he said opening the hardcover book in his hands. The first page was written in pretty cursive: SeokJinnie’s Book of 2016.

Chapter Text

MyVV: are you going to be watching the comeback live?

I mean…maybe. I guess maybe I shouldn’t.

MyVV: Hyung.. you need to watch my beautiful face!

MyVV: I want to hear you screaming my name all the way here.

In your dreams, brat.

Army will enjoy your comeback. Fighting!

Jin turned off the TV in his room, took out the ice cream V left behind yesterday and went on the terrace. He was wearing a T-shirt, yet the weather was nice enough to keep him from shivering. The air was licking at his exposed wound underneath the cotton. He looked out at the city skylight. Everyone was so busy, cars zooming by, people walking to place, shops and restaurants flashing their lights. A bitter smile hooked at the corner of his mouth. Sad, dark eyes were not circling his iris. Damaged goods. You really think you’re going back? Do you think the scars will heal enough for people to accept you? You think he changed? You think they care? You think see you as more than another member?

Thoughts were dashing in and out like the bubbles in a washing machine. Always multiplying, getting bigger, bursting at times. He took a bite out of the honeydew ice cream. The sweet flowery smell flooded his nostrils. Calm. It all became silent. One distinct memory surfaced. The hot summer air, the tag game the boys played along the river. Hot shower calming down his body, making him anew. A knock on the door. A familiar face. Surprise, hearts beating and stolen glances. Caring hands on backs, stolen kisses on shoulders. They all flash by lazily like postcards from another place, another time. Seokjin smiled and las at the frozen honeydew stick.

You’re not needed.

That voice never stopped stabbing Jin in the worst moments. He touched his stitches instinctively, caressing the lines slowly, as if a spell would wash them away. Against his better judgement, he opened the TV. The boys were on the screen, with model serious faces on, waiting for the beat to start playing. Seokjin felt his stomach drop as he let his eyes trickle from one member to another.

The lights were blinding, as always. They ended up opening the comeback with Fire, Autumn Leaves followed after an award, and now they were in the middle of Whalien 52. Taehyung ended up taking Jin’s lyrics. The beat came in as always, deceptively up beat, the saddest lyrics resting underneath them. Tae thought about the last winter, his eyes starting to water. It’s okay. Shhh. Jimin is here. Everyone is here.  Tae sighed loudly in the mic. How can you be loved by so many people, receive so much energy and feel so lonely? His eyes searched the crowd, for meaning, for answers, for feelings that he could not explain. A hot tear trailed down his cheek before being caught by his index finger and wiped away from existence. What is with you, Tae? Where is this coming from?

His voice came softer and more strained than usual. Trembling under heavy vowels.

“Lonely, lonely, lonely whale
Sing alone like this!
Will I ever shine so brightly like a remote island?”

~+~

He opened the door slowly, the fresh air caressing his face. The once tall, broad figure he had memorized in his heart was now sitting with his knees up to his chin. He looked like a tiny boy, a dark blue tint flowering around his features. Each careful footstep closer to Seokjin crunched with the rubble under his boot. He sat down on the floor looking outwards to the city skyline. It was darker than usual. The wind rustled with trees underneath, the weather was getting warmer. Spring was almost in full bloom.

“Hey,” Tae’s low voice called, now gentler and calmer than ever, as if whispering to not disturb the night sky – as if the whole universe was listening to him. “They told me you are free to go home. The boys are coming tomorrow morning to take you.”

Seokjin never moved, his eyes still looking at the city. His eyebrows in a furrowed fashion that always enchanted the red-haired boy. Those dark eyebrows had so many secrets, the charm of the world sitting at the tip of each small hair. If only Tae could know what was on the other’s mind.  What is your secret?

Taehyung licked his lower lip and bit at it lightly, taking in the thought. Jin stretched his neck and closed his eyes, lips parted facing the sky. He couldn’t help but stare at his hyung, his shiny red lips, his natural blush and bare face. He looked so tired, his closed eyes begging the world above for release.

“It wasn’t the same without you. The performance.”

Somehow, now that they had to leave the hospital, the friendliness and calm that grew between them was fading away. Like the memory of a dream, the more he thought about it, the more it was erased. With a trembled, whispered voice Tae disrupts the silence: “Maybe you should go to sleep, hyung.”

Jin’s eyes opened, locking with Tae’s as they did millions of times before. The young boy could feel a thunder in his heart he forgot months ago, and silently wondered if Jin felt the same. “Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that is tired,” the other’s voice came in confident. Tae’s eyes were big and sober, a glitter of past creeping in. He hadn’t seen the real Seokjin since that last day. Goosebumps crept on his arm, like ants crawling under his skin. He drew in a sharp breath and looked at the city, Jin’s gaze still on him.

It was winter, and, like many secrets, it flourished in the dead of the night, so it would come to an end the same way. Seokjin was sitting on the sidewalk in front of their apartment building watching the snow dance underneath the street light. Flurries of snowflakes were gracefully spinning and swinging in the wind like an enchanted ritual, eventually falling to their tragic demise disappearing in a puddle on the hard concrete. If only Tae knew back then what a foreshadowing that was.

Seokjin’s broad shoulders were casting a huge shadow behind him, as if a secret cape that only Taehyung could see was unfolding before him. The crunch of his boots on the wet concrete startled the older. They looked at each other briefly, as if for the first time that they truly noticed each other. They had been fighting for 3 months then, taking breaks just to ignore each other. Pain had been the only way they stayed in touch. Taehyung joined the young man and watched the snow blowing in the wind, not knowing what to say. For once not feeling hate in his heart but fear. A much worse feeling.

“Who is he to you?” Jin’s voice came in stern, and frozen like the ground beneath their boots. His stare was straight. If he hadn’t seen the white breath coming out of his mouth, Taehyung would have sworn that he was talking with a ghost or a statue.

“He’s… a friend.”

“Hmmm.” Seokjin nodded slowly, the corner of his lips curling in betrayal. “A friend.”

“Yes. He…” Why was he feeling so uncomfortable talking about him with Jin. They weren’t together anymore. Technically they were never together anyway. “He is a close friend. He helps me-“

“How close?”

“Umm..Close.” The redhead gulped down a breath of fresh air. “Very close. Jimin knows I trust him.”

“Jimin knows about him?” Seokjin was now emanating a heat resembling the depths of hell. Threatening vibes of chaos accumulating around him.

“Yeah.” His head was hanging low.

“Hmmph.” All he could hear was the footsteps of the elder crunching down on the melting snow. They stopped right behind Taehyung for a brief second. As if thinking over the actions. “I hope you get the help I couldn’t give you.” Then he moved back inside.

Taehyung stood outside, tears running down his cheeks and pain digging in his chest, leaving him breathless.

None of them said anything more, they spent a whole hour in silence watching the night sky, the people below rushing by, the cars making their way god knows where. It felt oddly comforting, the lack of noise soothing both of their souls. Like they both knew and nothing more needed to be said. They both knew they went back to their blue side.

Jin was the first one to get up, slowly wincing in pain. He shyly cleared his throat. “Ahem. Taehyung-ah… Back then… I..” the words were escaping his voice, forming only halfway in his mouth. “Thank you.” He starts walking slowly to his room, the jacket wrapped around his shoulder.

All Taehyung could hear was the sound of Jin’s boots on the rubble. He kept looking at the night sky which was turning a bashful shade of pink matching his own blush.

~+~

Yoongi was curled up in the living room, in his usual spot with the tablet in hand going over lyrics.

“You know, I don’t think I ever saw you before this year using a tablet outside for Netflix.” Jungkook said laughing. “Where is your trusted notebook you used to carry around like a hermit?” Jimin chuckled at the maknae’s observation.

Yoongi’s eyes shifted to Hoseok. “I realized books are not as safe.” Hobi turned and walked into the kitchen only to find Namjoon and Jin cooking. If he was somebody else maybe he would have felt weird around his hyung after reading his journal. Knowing deep secrets that Seokjin is scared to even tell himself sometimes. But the bright and sunny J-hope was never like that. If anything, he felt closer to Jin. He wanted to help them.

“Jin-hyung, you just came in. Take a break. We said we’d cook for you.”

Jin smiled gently, three think silver lines decorating his left cheek. “You guys said that and then you left Joonie all alone in the kitchen with squid to boil and porkbelly to fry. As if we didn’t have enough disasters on our hands and we wanted to add “bombed down the dorm” to our list.” Hobi laughed loudly and grabbed some spring onion to cut.

“Hey! I am here you know!” Namjoon said as he took a hold of the oily pan. To his luck, Jin came right in time to put the pan back on the stove, before the porkbelly could imprint themselves on RM’s face forever.

“Hobi, could you please go and check if we still have some potatoes? I think Jungkookie would be happy to make some sweet potatoes.” The golden-haired boy rushed out of the kitchen to the pantry.

The noise of bubbling water and cooking oil frying the meat slowly were making up most of the background noise. Making their own music. Namjoon was stirring in the pan aimlessly while Jin’s stare was fixed at the vapors rising from the pot.

“Hyung, I know you can’t join us for the next 3 appearances. But wouldn’t you want to come with us and still be part of the experience?”

“No, no, Joon. You asked me that before but I am so tired these days since I am still trying to recuperate. I will try and make myself useful around the house.”Plus, I would rather not watch how well you guys are doing without me. It hurts already so much that I am not there. That I can’t give back to army the love they loan every day. His sadness almost chipped the Jin mask. Thankfully, he caught himself in time.

Namjoon nodded at the older, knowing there wasn’t much he could change his mind. Jin was notorious for his stubbornness. Although, granted, Taehyung was number one.

The dinner was a success. Jungkookie and Taehyung were doing the dishes while Yoongi and Jimin were drying. Noisy as always, they pass around dishes dutifully through the process.

“Jin-hyung is going to join us backstage tomorrow?” A chirpy Jimin asked Yoongi who was absorbed in his serious drying.

“No, no. He said he is too busy being tired and hurting. You know.. in the end, the sooner he gets better the sooner we ca go back to normal.”

Taehyung excused himself briefly, hunting down his blonde-haired demon and, eventually, joining Jin in the pantry. He pushed the older lightly against the inside door and rested a hand above the other’s left shoulder. An intimidating pose which Jin pulled on Tae way too many ways to count. He felt a little proud among the clouds of annoyance and ignorance. The desire of hurting the other growing like a forest fire.

“Why aren’t you coming?” his molasses voice gave the eldest shivers. Yet, he wrapped his arms around the other’s neck. Two can play this.

“Because I am busy.” Torturing myself and listening to my inner demons. I would rather die than expose myself to the world right now. Chaos was alive and thriving in Jin's soul. His mind was lost between all the feelings which dug deep into him. One won. His lips got dangerously close to Tae’s. Sweat dripped slowly between the redhead’s shoulder blades.

“Hyung, are you trying to pull a move on me?” Jin slapped Tae’s cheeks lightly and laughed in his face at the other’s question.

“Taehyungie, this is not your night time erotic fiction channel. I know you dream about it daily, but we both know..”

Tae’s face changed. He nodded at the blonde mirage and pushed him out of the way. Anger and a familiar craving were blazing in his chest and lower abdomen. What are we even doing? I want to punch him and fuck him at the same time.

Chapter Text

Jin was clattering through the kitchen, early in the morning. Maybe earlier than he should be. He was restless. He had been like that ever since ha came home. Something about leaving the hospital and facing reality made all the haze and possibility of this being a nightmare disappear. He drifted away form the traditional breakfasts he usually makes for his members and decided to make some blueberry pancakes he learnt during their trip in the US. Jungkookie loved them so much, he would always stare them down as if the most sinful appearance was teasing him to bite. But it was always the same and he would just fork them down his throat before anyone had a taste.

Namjoon entered the kitchen with tousled hair, a huge white t-shirt and his Puma sweats. He scratched his ribs lazily as he watched his hyung zooming through the room chaotically, pancake batter on his elbow, opening 100 cabinets and leaving them ajar. If he wouldn’t know better, the place looked so bad like that time Namjoon was trying to experiment on making a peanut butter jelly sandwich. I mean, you would think that’s not quite the experiment, but when you break 3 knives while spreading the pb on the bread… Everything becomes an experiment. He watched him as he always did. Silently. He wanted to say something, he always does. But this time he remained seated, grabbing one of the coffee mugs and pouring some from the French filter resting on the table. He took the coffee cup to his lips and kissed it lightly. He let the hot liquid lick at his upper lip before he opened lightly, letting it burn his tongue and fill his mouth with pleasure. He always associated rain with coffee. Joonie had this habit of walking in the rain whenever his feelings would turn into songs. He said the rain was the best listener, while coffee is the best mistress – always welcoming you in a warm embrace after being out in the cold.

He finally set the mug down and opened his mouth. “Are you okay, hyung?” A question that was more rhetorical than anything. He got some music sheets out from his back pocket and a pen, studying them intensely.

Seokjin just nodded at the younger and went about his business, flipping a pancake while pushing a huge pile in front of Namjoon. The boy kept looking at his sheets, crumping some down and scribbling on others. “You know you need to take a break eventually. That’s why you are on home rest.”

“I am resting.” The older brought the spatula dangerously close to Joon’s head. The young man in front of him didn’t notice the threat looming over him, still buried in his work. He didn’t have to. His speech was prepared before having this conversation. He had it coming for some time now.

“You seem to be seeking for something, but you don’t know what you are looking for. Yet, you know you have not found it.” His eyes finally met Seokjin’s who now stopped in front of him, staring angrily. Namjoon was calm as always. He knew this was the reaction he would receive because the oldest hyung was actually the youngest sometimes.

“Don’t you do the same?” he replied pointing at the music sheets in front of him. Lyrics scribbled on crumpled pieces of paper – some tainted with coffee, some with Red Bull as if an attempt to bring them back to life. In the end, they all looked like dead leaves. Joon hung up a melancholic, crooked smile on his face and looked at Jin. Oddly enough, he always knew NamJoon so well. He could read in him the pain and thoughts he never wanted to burden others with. Most of the times, he would give his leader space to figure things out on his own. That is because most of the time he was sure Joonie would get angry at anyone’s help.

The tall boy smiled a bit brighter and then let one of his brow get furrowed in a question mark. Indecisiveness was smeared on his face, a feeling he had been wearing underneath his clothes from some time now. “I try to find the self I never built.”

Seokjin felt as if he had intruded, as if he opened his diary and read out loud a thought that vibrated through his whole being. He turned his broad back to turn off the stove and remove the last pancake. A light sigh came from his pouty mouth involuntarily. The reply came after a few moments of comfortable silence. “You shouldn’t worry so much, Namjoon-ah. That guy has been inside you for a long time. You built him. Just trust that he will do the right thing. Set him free.”

Namjoon sat up and grabbed a pancake. He wished the answer to his many questions was this easy. On one hand, they were. On the other, his heart refused to accept it. He would keep trying to accept himself for quite a bit. And that’s okay. “Hyung, you should listen to your own advice sometimes.”

~+~

Namjoon sighed deeply looking at the people around them cheering them on. The sea of souls just blowing the most positive energy towards them was engulfing his feelings with each scream and chant. Years later, moments like these still took him aback. He couldn’t get how so many people would just support them and their music. Believe in them, even at times when they didn’t. He spotted a teary Taehyung getting hugged by Jimin. He swallowed hard the knot accumulating at the back of his throat while he grabbed the mic.

“Thank you so much, army! We are all so thankful for all the love that you share with us.” He paused to let cheers settle down. With sharp eyes, his mouth opened. “There are so many people in the world that have no dreams, or their dream feels far away. Many of you tell us in letters that you are happy for our growth but that you feel as if we are far away from us. Many of us feel lonely at times, many feel as if their dream is too far away… And too many feel as if they will never be able to reach it.” He took a deep breath and fixed the camera with his eyes. “We didn’t think we could make it this far. We had hundreds of fights, thousands of tears and millions of ‘no’s in front of us. You were our guiding light. You remain our guiding light, even when everything will go dark. We couldn’t have done this without the faith you placed into us. Even today, you have cheered so loudly for our Seokjin who is still recovering, and you shared so many messages for him. You reminded us that 7-1 is still 7. We should stand behind one another, support one another.

Not only do we thank you for everything that you do for us. But I will let you go with this message: if you have anybody in your life that believes in your dream, keep them close. They are the most precious possession you will ever have. Army, we believe in you. We believe in your dream. Let our music be your shoulder, your support.

Thank you! We love you!”

~+~

The TV was streaming the live broadcast of the promotional concert. Namjoon took the stage saying his usual speech. Tonight, however, he sounded more emotional.

“Many of us feel lonely at times, many feel as if their dream is too far away-“

It happens as it did before. Seokjin was pacing in the bathroom like a restless tiger in captivity. A terrible feeling of dread and panic was slowly settling in his chest. A familiar feeling of emptiness and sadness was taking over him for no reason. The alcohol from before was not lessening the muddied wave of emotions washing over him like it used to. He could feel himself losing control of his mind. Seokjin couldn’t stop himself from drowning in that sea of self-hatred, of confusion, of painful numbness.

He hated those episodes. He hated feeling helpless, and here he was going though it again. His bottom lip quivered with worry, a premonition of the tears which shall soon be shed. He is not weak. He has never been weak. He doesn’t want to be weak.

The blonde young man turned around slowly like a possessed ragged doll, his body following him instinctually but a higher force guiding him, to face the mirror. He slowly peeled off the white tanktop which was masking his ugly body. He traced his fingers on his uneven abs. Jin once used to have washboard abs, just like Jimin. He trained hard, only ate one chicken breast a day and drank water continuously. His cold thumb was now touching the left side of his body, where the bandages used to be and now stitches were out in the open. He traced them slowly, his skin feeling every bump of the suture and every thread peeking out from inside the skin. Tears gathered at his eyes ad fell down on the cold tiles underneath him.

He couldn’t stop himself. Look at those 3 deep cuts. They are long and ugly. You look like Frankenstein’s monster. And you call yourself an idol? You think this mess is worth idolizing?

The longer he stared at the cuts, the bigger they seemed. He tried pushing the stitches in his skin, hoping they would be smaller, less visible. He squeezed lightly and pushed while wincing in pain. A bit of red blood peeked through from all the abuse. His heart leaped at the sight. It felt wrong and right at the same time. He wanted to tear the suture open but also make it disappear at the same time. He didn’t know why he was feeling this way. His anxiety was biting at his chest as if trying to dig itself out, ad his mind was full of toxic thoughts. Some wanted to hurt Seokjin, while others wanted to hug him. Many wanted him to stop existing, and some just wanted to cry.

He opened the tap and let the cold water run through his fingers like a sheet of invisible silk. It was smoothing over the poison in his veins. The blond man took a deep breath and ran his wet hands through his hair, resting them over his eyes for a second. The cool sensation was bringing some calmness to his thoughts. Seokjin looked into the mirror at himself. He put on a lot of foundation this morning in an attempt to mask away the ugly scars. They looked pinker today, more noticeable. His breath was hitching but the air was not enough. Hid lungs were filled with quicksand. Holes were forming in his chest, yet it felt heavy with doubt and fear. Didn’t it always go this way.

Hot tears streamed down his face uncontrollably. His eyes looked like those of a wild animal trapped in a foreign place. They were moving between his shaky hands to his reflection, as if the sped up movement was creating a spell and that body was not his anymore. Seokjin sobbed and hummed to himself, there was no one in the apartment to help him. You think you will stay part of the group?

He clutched onto his cheeks. Please please please please Please leave me. I can’t. I can’t. I caaaaan’t. Some words were mumbled out like a pained animal’s whine. He remembered the last time he felt such a powerful panic attack like this one. He was in his last year before highschool. His best friend asked him to go out in the courtyard with him. All he remembered of that day, really was the dark haired boy pushing him and shoving him to the ground, calling him “pretty peach”, and kicking dust at him. That nickname really stuck with him that year. It came from him being pretty, quiet, and mannered “like a girl”, and “peach” came from his early peach fuzz he was sporting. His whole body was that of a child, he was always small-framed  as a kid, with soft features. The perfect mix for bullying.

That day he cried so hard that his chest felt like he would collapse. He ran home and tried shaving his small mustache but ended up nicking himself everywhere through all the sobs. The breakdown and the panic attack hit him so hard that all he could do was lay in the middle of his bedroom, wrapped in his dad’s hoodie for 3 days straight.  Seokjin refused to eat, to open the door or even move. His nanny had to break in and take care of him. She gave him a bath, fed him and brushed his hair. That’s all he had.

“—reminded us that 7-1 is still 7---” Namjoon’s voice came in through all the other humms that were still pinching at his heart.

You are being replaced. No one cares that you are gone, you are damaged anyway. You can never have a voice in the group. You let everyone down. You are a disappointment.

Seokjin put a black mask over his face and closed his eyes exhaling. “Please… please please please please please please. Please leave me. Please,” he hummed to himself, hoping that the meltdown would just wash away with the words.

~+~

The boys came home late and Jin greeted them with a bid hug. Finally, someone was home. He could stop obsessing over his thoughts. Jungkook snuggled in his hyung’s embrace giggling softly. He was always like Jin’s little brother, he cared for him so much. Jimin smiled fondly at the two while Tae frowned and went to his room to change.

“Some people look like they had to kill a dog, not sing in front of the best crowd,” Jin laughed towards the red boy that disappeared behind the white door.

“You look alive,” Hoseok remarked while pinching the eldest’s chin playfully. As if instinctually, Jin pushed the mask closer to his face.

“Heh, yeah. I guess.”

Yoongi put his arm around Hoseok’s shoulders asking him to move to the side with a gummy smile painted on. “Seokjin-hyung is a fighter. What are you talking about? Unfortunately for all of us, he is always alive and loud. I can attest to that. Every night the maknae stir up trouble around him.”

The blonde man smiled behind the mask and framed his face with his hands playfully. “Forever a flower.”

Tae joined the boys in the living room exhaling in disagreement. Jin frowned. Today was not the day for this.

“Jin-hyung you cooked for us?” Namjoon’s surprised voice came in from inside the fridge.

“Of course I did. Your favourite too. But after today’s performance some deserve the meal more than others,” he finished by shooting Taehyung a pointed look.

“You’re right. You should probably stand this one out. We don’t want a pig with us on stage when you come back.”

“Hey hey hey! What is with you again?” Jimin grabbed the redhead by the arm nudging him.

“I’m sorry. Your voice cracked again. Did you have something to say, Taehyung?” Jin had a burning fire in his heart again. He didn’t know what it was about them two, but they just couldn’t stay still for long. They had to fight, they had to punish each other. They had to make each other hurt. As if that was the only thing they could agree on.

“No, I’m good.”

They ate in silence. Taehyung was being his usual possessive self. He would shoot dirty looks to Namjoon who was touching Seokjin’s thigh empathetically. The redhead would scoff, and puff, and huff every time the two would laugh at their stupid inside jokes. Every chuckle was bringing him a bitter taste, a trace of bad memories. He felt so stupid to think things would be different. Jin was not different.

He ate absent-mindedly while Jimin and Jungkook were busy feeding each other and giggling, and Hoseok was busy staring at a half-asleep Yoongi. At the end of that torture-fest, he simply got up silently and was about to go to his room.

“Taehyung-ah, it’s your turn for the dishes!!” Namjoon shouted from the sink.

“Let him go, Joonie. He was so clumsy and shaky on stage today with the choreography, I don’t want any broken dishes.” Jin’s voice came in as a chirp.

“You and Jin seem to have it under control. Plus, Jin should get used to it. Maybe concerts won’t be his thing anymore after this.”

Seokjin dropped the pots in the sink with a loud bang and with 3 large steps he caught up to the fugitive. The younger sensed the threat behind him before Jin got to touch him. Tae cught Jin in the hallway and pulled him in a closet, shoving him back into the door, hands fisted in his pink hoodie. Seokjin’s head hit the door making him wince. He was a bit surprised, but his mask was doing a great job at hiding all his emotions.

“You always have to attack me.” Tae bit his lip hard, eyes fidgeting between Jin’s eyes to his lips. “You never even keep your promise. You didn’t do my laundry. You are not hurt anymore. You say you want my forgiveness and then you act like a brat. Teaches me to treat you nicely.” He said and pushed the other one more time against the door. The blonde felt his blood boil and curdle with… something. Punish him, bite him. Kiss him.

Jin’s eyes sharpened like the edge of a blade. His right hand moved swiftly behind Tae’s neck and the other around his torso. He used his weight to turn Tae into the door and switch places in a swift move. He shoved young man hard, his back hitting with a loud thud, his eyes closing in pain.

“Yeah?!” he asked daringly. “You want me to do your laundry?” he demanded grabbing at Taehyung’s shirt pulling it harshly up and off of him exposing his naked chest. Both of their hearts were racing. “I will do your laundry now!” he whispered harshly grabbing Tae’s biceps and leaving bruises behind. The younger whimpered.

Their breathing was becoming laboured. Their mouths were open, teeth clenched and lips twisted in disgust, anger and hunger. Taehyung instantly drowned in Jin’s eyes after he was turned around. His heart was beating fast in his throat. A familiar stirring in his lower abdomen lighting a fire that was burning all the way to his toes. He grabbed at his hyung’s neck and pulled him in closer. Their abdomens and lower bodies were touching. It was too hard to tell, but he may not be the only one feeling this.

“Are you going to punch me or what?” Tae whispered roughly through a locked jaw. Jin’s hands moved fiercely to the young man’s waist squeezing hard enough to leave bruises. He always loved how tiny he felt under him. He could just bite into him. One hand flew to the redhead’s jaw, cupping his face roughly.

“You think you deserve that?” he asked as he saw Taehyung’s pupils dilate. And he knew damn well there was no going back. His plump lips wrapped around the younger’s. Sucking onto them harshly, rapidly. Teeth greeting on his bottom lip, pulling at it and biting down. Tae was whimpering under him from the pain. Yet his arms were pulling Jin closer, his body grinding on the other. Jin kept still and teased his lower lip harshly until he tasted blood. He then lapped at the wound twice very swiftly and pushed the boy to the side, enough to open the door and exit.

Taehyung’s heart was racing. But a wicked calmness washed over him. One that rode his soul in the dead of the night, that burnt his skin whenever he was intimate with someone else, that danced on his lungs when he would masturbate alone at moments that he had and thought he would never have again. That is until now. His smile broke to one side.

~+~

“What do you think that was about?” Hoseok asked Yoongi while passing him the lighter. They were both on the top terrace alone, doing what they always did after a complicated week.

Yoongi was rolling a spliff in his hands expertly and leaned in towards the other’s mouth asking for a lick. Hobi’s tongue came out pink and pointed as it always did and licked the paper swiftly. The grey-haired boy smoothed over the cigarette with his big thumb while musing for an answer. Instead he shrugged. It was too late. The silence was nice. You could hear crickets again which was tell that the end of spring was fast approaching. Yoongi put the roll between his lips and lit up one end. He drew out smoke enough to make sure the cigarette was dancing with a slow burning fire inside. The familiar smell was now soothing his skin.

“I guess we will find out soon from Jin’s journal.”

Hoseok nodded briefly and watched the skyline as he did many times before. This time it felt a little bit different. He was closer to Yoongi than before. They shared a secret, while another was being molded between them for months. The younger motioned towards his lips. A demand that needed no words.

As a habit, Yoongi dragged in more smoke than usual in his lungs and leaned in towards the other. Hoseok’s pineapple smell was missing with the weed slowly, making it even more enticing. The golden-haired boy opened his mouth gently breathing in while Yoongi blew smoke into it. Their lips were brushing gently as they did many times before. Hobi places a hand on the other’s shoulder drawing him in for “balance”.

When the exchange is over, they retake their places and they both watch the skyline. It was now burning with a golden color. The morning was slowly creeping in, shining light on any secrets stowed away in the dark. The grey-haired boy could feel his heart beating in his throat. Something was catching inside his chest. His eyes darted to the beautiful heart-shaped smile next to him. He was so absorbed by the view that his most natural features were shining true. He had this glow that made Yoongi’s lungs grow flowers. Must be that stupid pineapple scent he has. I am probably growing allergic.

Chapter Text

“You know, I think Jin-hyung is having a hard time with all of this. Knowing his personality, he acts as if it doesn’t matter but it hurts him being left behind.” Jimin continued browsing through Tae’s vinyls. The redhead stayed silent and kept chatting on his phone. He hurts is an understatement.

“Ah-ha!!” Jimin yelled triumphantly while pulling out an old vinyl with no inscription on it. “This is the one that has the piano covers right? I’ve been looking for it for the longest time! Kookie and I will be rehearsing some dance moves we saw based on modern art for one of his Golden Closet projects and this vinyl would work so well.” A sunshine smile brightened his face while his eyes became a sly line of happiness. Thoughts of rehearsals and late hours with his Jungkookie made his stomach twist like balloon animals at a kid’s birthday party.

“You know for someone as gay as him, Golden Closet is not the best disguise,” a morose Taehyung mumbled, his eyes still trained on the chat. His black-haired friend frowned slightly and pushed him playfully.

“Heeey! He is not gay. And you know that! He said he likes both men and women, and really it’s a spectrum for him rather than boxes.”

“It’s endearing, but I know one person he for sure is gay for.” For the first time in half an hour, the redhead looked up from the screen. He had a shit-eating grin on his face that made Jimin blush in frustration and tackle his friend. They play-fought like this many time before: always arms and legs flailing around, always screams of pain and excitement. They felt comfortable with each other. They had been best friends for 5 years and nobody could understand him the way Jimin did. In a way he was everybody’s go-to for comfort, but Jimin would only go to Tae when the moon became too heavy.

They ended up panting on the floor, giggles slowly dissipating in the air like clouds after a summer rain. Flat on his back, Taehyung examined the ceiling closely. Constellations of glittery stars and a huge moon were glued on top. Sounds of a dusty disc player being put in motion tickled his ears like in a dream. A familiar music started playing slowly as Jimin turned off the lights and joined Tae on the ground. The constellation lit up in a cosmic silver color. It looked mystical and romantic at the same time, Taehyung broke a bitter smile.

“Hoseok-hyung scolded Jungkookie for 3 days after he set them up. He had used the strongest glue, just to make sure that if Hobi tries to take them down, he would damage the paintjob… Which inevitably happened and Jungkook glued back the moon in the center.”

“It looks so realistic.”

“Mhm. He had his brother print them in the arts lab that he works in. They are vinyl and acrylic mixture. They are a rare glow in the dark color that he worked on being custom-made. It was his gift to me on my birthday,” Jimin’s voice came in softer than usual. Almost a whisper.

“But he put them up in July.”

“He did. He was worried others would realize it’s just me that gets gifts from him.”

“I mean, we already know that. I gave up on the idea that he will ever give me anything for my birthday a long time ago,” Tae replied in an amused voice.

“He gave me a card and told me that I am his moonchild. Don’t cry, every night when the moon rises it’s your time to shine. He said that although he knows night time brings me sadness, he hopes from now on it brings me light.”

The piano acoustic cover was playing softly in the background. Both boys were watching the acrylic cosmos, but both were looking beyond. The black-haired young man had glittery eyes, the constellation replicated in his iris. His heart was feeling brave even though it was constricted by confusion. He loved his Taehyung too much to remain silent.

“What happened between you two?”

Tae just closed his eyes and listened to the song a moment longer. That we all need love, and I'm not afraid. I feel the love but I don't feel that way ~~~

He remembered last winter. After months of sneaking looks, months of silent torture and broken eyes, months of denial, they were together at the ball. The famous Annual Charity Kim Ball thrown by SeokJin’s father every December on his son’s birthday. Last year, for the first time, they were able to attend – all seven of them. Jin looked like a prince in his red velvet suit with black velvet collar and cuffs. The silky black shirt underneath stood tight against his broad chest and it matched his beautiful parted, silky jet-black hair. The golden embroidery on his red suit made it seem of baroque influence and so sophisticated. Black lacquered shoes and a golden watch were finishing his flawless birthday-prince ensemble.

A star-struck Taehyung gulped in anticipation as the older made way towards him.  Sure, they fought and broke up four months prior but that doesn’t mean he didn’t feel still a certain type of way towards the other. The tall young man was stopped in his tracks by a group of friends. Jin smiled broadly and took the champagne that was offered to him. His eyes kept peeking at his Tae who never stopped watching him. He washed down his feelings with some champagne as he saw Jin bow to the group and thanking them for their presence.

Finally free, like a predator with a set target the older man walked confidently like a model with a razor-sharp look towards his prey. Taehyung shivered slightly while watching his strut. He stopped in front of him and smiled an intimate devilish smile that Tae knew too well.

“My father hired this young woman to play at my birthday to give us a break. She is very talented,” he spoke to the young man without looking at him, but in stead scanning the crowd.

“You look very handsome,” the redhead let his thought slip in accident.

“I am glad everyone was able to come and celebrate tonight.” A brief pause was taken enough to fix Taehyung with his eyes. “I am glad you came.” The younger felt the tips of his fingers burn with excitement and the familiar feeling of passion. He felt it in his stomach and he was pretty sure his eyes were communicating it in Morse Code to Jin. A sweat bead formed at his temple, betraying him.

Seokjin flashed a trademark smile that could scorch the sun into a pebble, and sipped from his champagne flute. “You look very handsome yourself too. Blue is my favourite colour on you.”

Before Tae could even respond to the remark, the older left walking casually towards the bathroom. Oh god. This feeling in his gut was spreading to his brain whispering to him temptations. Fire was burning in his feet slowly controlling his moves. With shaky steps, Taehyung followed Seokjin to the bathroom against his better judgement. The low stirring of pain and pleasure in his stomach was heating his innards and blooming flowers in his ribcage. He left the champagne on the floor at the entrance and pushed the door open.  Jin’s arms wrapped around him instantly and pulled him in the first stall. He pushed Taehyung against the door with his whole body while his hands were gripping at his waist. Wet kisses and playful bites were assaulting the younger’s neck.

“A-ah! My silky prince!” Taehyung called out while exposing his neck further, giving his hyung access. Neither of them knew what this was. Neither of them knew what it meant. But they needed it badly.

Jin growled lowly at the familiar nickname and let his hands pull at the other’s shirt seeking contact with his burning skin. Their eyes were squeezed shut, as if this could all go up in smoke any second now if they open their eyes.

Plump lips kissed Tae’s jaw tenderly, licking at his earlobe and tugging at it with his teeth. Their bodies were flush against one another, slowly winding like a willow in the wind. Moans and muffled mewls were escaping the redhead’s mouth. His heart was growing inside his chest with every bite and suck and kiss. His hunger grew with every pinch and grip and bruise left on his waist.

“Ahh, Hyung! My silky, beautiful prince.”

Seokjin stopped for a second and opened his eyes. They were drenched in the poison of love. Tae’s eyes fluttered open, his blue contacts tearing Jin’s heart into pieces. The black-haired’s lips were burning red and glistening from all the kisses he left on the other. Taehyung’s head was swimming in a sea of hormones, feelings and blurred out memories. A screaming sense of wrong fought through them all when Jin kissed him slowly. A kiss that would always, until the end of time, melt him. His knees grew weak but his arms extended forwards involuntarily, slowly pushing the other off. He jerked back at his own reaction while Seokjin grew serious.

“I.. c..” He swallowed back as if knowing this was a mistake about to unfold. A bunch of toothpaste pouring out of the tube with no way of putting it back in. Words that he would think over at night for months to come. “There is someone.”

SeokJin watched him with a blank stare. He grew cold instantly but his gaze and posture stayed the same. Yet Tae could swear he could see a flame inside the other being extinguished. Behind being left just the Jin shell.

“I see.” He arranged his clothing and straightened the redhead’s blazer. Professional and dedicated fingers worked a few loose strands of hair into their original position and walked out of the stall and out of the bathroom.

Taehyung was at his seventh drink later that night when music started playing. A slow piano cover of an overplayed song. A song that later would grow to hurt him like poison ivy each time the notes played. The woman behind the piano was touching the keys and making them sing a cursed melody. A broad-shouldered gentleman appeared before him as if out of thin air. Jin extended his hand towards Taehyung.

“One song.”

The redhead just nodded and complied to the request. His feet was following the older as if in a trance. A slow dance was sketched out on the floor underneath them with each step they took. Their bodies were close, closer than they would be for a while. A wild rose and musk smell wrapped around Taehyung’s heart and tugged at it with guilt – wrecking him. Jin had his eyes closed the whole time, his hand was tight and warm around the other’s, his grip around his waist was gentle and comforting. It brought back feelings. Forbidden feelings which he swore off four months ago.  He started out stiff in his movements, but, slowly, Taehyung became pliable in Jin’s hands, as he always were. Time slowed down and everything else seemed to have frozen with it. The air around them felt like autumn, when the perfect break up happens. Tae felt it, deep in his soul. He knew the man in front of him too well not to.

Seokjin’s head came close to other’s shoulder, resting for a couple of seconds before turning towards his ear. His heart was beating arrhythmically like a broken grandfather clock. He was about to shatter himself at the hands of love. He let out a sigh he had held on to since the beginning of the song, and his lips parted.

“Saranghae, VV,” he said slowly in a whispered breath. The words were so fragile and sincere, threatening to disappear any second now like sea foam. The song finished and Jin bowed deeply, then turned and left the ballroom. The whole night all other members, friends and his father looked for Jin. He was nowhere to be found. There was only one person that knew where he was.

Jimin’s voice brought him to reality. “What happened between you two today? I thought you were behind all the chasing and the fights.”

Taehyung nodded, and hummed to himself in agreement. “I thought so too.”

“What are you doing?”

The redhead smiled to the moon on the ceiling, his arms folding under his head. He looked relaxed and, if Jimin didn’t know him better, intoxicated. “I have no clue.” His friend watched him in confusion, like that 5000 piece puppy puzzle he tried to assemble once which was nothing but 500 shades of brown and beige.

“Do you still love him?”

“Did I ever?”

Jimin frowned deeper, this time in anger. He smacked Taehyung over the head and got up opening the lights. “Maybe Jungkook is young and has no idea what love is. But at least he doesn’t lie to himself.”

The other stood up rubbing the side of his head while squinting his eyes at the light assault which was burning a hole through his cornea. Jimin was always good at cuddling his hyungs and offering them the love and care they needed at the right time. But he was also the only person that could get through Tae’s denseness and call him on his bullshit when needed. It came from a place of motherly love and almost always his friend was grateful for it. Jimin smiled softly while watching the redhead complain like a spoiled baby. He was so fond of him, his heart was an ocean of cotton candy for his friend. One day he will thank me for this one too. His smile spread into full on laughter when Tae broke out into a fake cry.

But for now, he will pretend my words, just like his feelings, are muted, non-existent.

Chapter Text

Tae confidently dragged his feet into the gym. It was 4 AM at this point. Everyone should be asleep, but instead a sweaty Jin was working on some machines while a determined Kookie was doing pull-ups. Of course, he couldn’t get some peace of mind here either. Could he ever?

Sure, he could get easily distracted by the eldest’s muscles, the way they glisten with sweat in the spotlights, the way they get bigger with every push and pull. Sure... Sure. He could get distracted by the way drops of sweat gathered at his temples and the way his hair clung together as he threw his head back. He could get distracted by the other’s open mouth and plump lips, the groans and the long neck he had bitten so many times before. He could definitely get distracted by the way his blonde angel looks. He could get distracted by all those things. A cage of memories past. But one thing pulls him into reality: the winces and the struggled look on his favourite hyung’s face. His heart says things to him. Things he always silenced. 

In the end, history repeated itself. His mind won. It always does. Tae shook away any trace of lustful, enamoured thoughts. He decided to go to the back of the room and run on the treadmill. It wasn’t because that way he could see everyone. No, of course not. It was his favourite release - to run that is. His breath would even out the second he pressed the button and felt his feet moving along with the pattern beneath him. The music always stopped his thoughts in the middle of forming. Like a blooming flower after a night of freezing rain, encased in a crystal cage - stuck in continuous bloom. It never gets the chance to flourish or wither. His head tilted backwards as a sigh escaped his lungs. 

So, yes… Maybe just maybe his thoughts couldn’t be frozen anymore. For some reason, they won’t listen to him. He came here to be alone. Bullshit. He came here to disconnect. Try again. He came here to escape himself. Not completely a lie, but not the truth either. 

His eyes opened slightly and traced a red-faced Jin doing angry bench-presses. His face was in pain from the pressure applied to his not-yet-healed rib and wound. What the hell is he thinking?! Jungkook approaches him pointing at the weight. Jin mumbles something, his cheeks now a blood-orange. His chest had pink patches blooming slowly with every push resembling wild roses. As they usually do, they get into an argument where the maknae refuses to relent.

Tae’s eyes closed. He focused on his breathing and upped the speed by 3 levels. His thighs were already in pain from the concerts and all the choreography practices. A triangle-mouthed Hoseok has been pushing the group to be more accurate on stage, less straining more muscle memory. Easy to say, hard to do when you see Hobi’s hawk eyes watching you. But, the torture brought by the work out licked at his bones and aching heart. It was a great sedative. His breath was coming in waves more through his mouth, his teeth were clenched in a permanent snare.

Eyes opened again. Jungkook was now aggressively gesticulating at his hyung. Jin was patiently and calmly adding weights on, actively ignoring his dongsaeng. Jungkook said something and frowned like that time Jimin and Yoongi came home after eating lamb skewers alone. It was definitely the biggest betrayal he has ever seen. The babiest frown and angriest look were painted on him. He stayed mad at Jimin for a week and treated Yoongi coldly for a month.

He closed his eyes again. What’s the matter with you, Tae? Stop staring. What are you even staring at? The feeling of flowers blooming and choking his ribcage was starting up again faintly. As if on automatic, his legs started gunning it on the treadmill. He ran as if he was preparing a spaceship for takeoff with the energy he was producing. If only it actually lead somewhere. 

A warm hand touched his elbow lightly. Taehyung jumped back startled for a second at the unexpected change in mood. He couldn’t tell if it was because he was listening to the music really loudly or because his headspace was a mess he had been continuously trying to sort out. “Hyung, I am leaving.” Jungkook mouthed the second Taehyung opened his eyes. Normally he would take his headphones off. Not this time.

The young boy in front of him pointed at Jin while saying something. Too fast for the red head to read his lips. All he caught was “Watch” – which coincidentally it was the first word he said.  Watch Jin-hyung?

Tae nodded, unaware as to what he was agreeing with, and briefly looked at his blonde fallen angel. Jungkook tapped his arm twice in approval and support. He was too tired to maintain this tiring conversation, so he simply headed for the door. I always try to.

The redhead on the treadmill closed his eyes so many times, as if shots of whiskey were being poured behind the lids. Maybe he was already intoxicated. Maybe he wasn’t looking for the poison that always seemed to free him. Maybe he is looking for a change this time around. Something that healed him. 

Goosebumps rippled through his skin. Finally, no lies. Tae opened his eyes and winced at the sight in front of him. Seokjin was on his left side curled in a ball of pain next to the bench press. The young man was shuddering like a hurt baby doe. Taehyung’s heart caught in his throat, his hand automatically flew to the red cord pulling on it with so much force that the machine stuttered in place. He jumped off the treadmill and ripped his head phones out. The next second, he was kneeling next to his fallen angel. This felt awfully familiar. 

He could now hear Jin’s sobs. The blonde had his teeth clenched and bared, like a wild animal’s warning sign. His eyes were squeezed shut so hard that they almost disappeared behind the folds his face created. His breath was heavy and the tears were a painful waterfall. 

Taehuyng instinctively and gently cradled the other’s head in his arms. He handled him with so much care and attention, as if he were a frightened animal ready to flee at any warning sign. The blonde strands of hair were soft and silky, a strawberry and roses aroma arising from it. How can someone smell so wonderful while in the middle of a workout? He really is a silky Prince.

The redhead’s voice came in a low whisper, one that Jin heard many times before and needed so badly right now. “I am pretty sure you’re not supposed to work out so intensely now.” Jin whimpered and tried to push himself in a sitting position. Taehyung’s arms wrapped around the other’s pulling him up slowly. Seokjin was now in his lap. Taking advantage of the position, warm, large hands started caressing his face gently. Usually, that would render deathly protests from the older. This time, he just stood still in the backhug, too tired to move. Low, bitten and muffled sobs of pain were pouring out of him like a cat’s purr. 

“Shhh..” Taehyung whispered in the blonde’s ear. His arms squeezed him closer. The warmth they were sharing was slowly soldering them together. “Shhh, my silky prince.” He wiped his tears away, stopping briefly on his scar. 

Seokjin’s hand covered his. “Don’t. I am... damaged.” Tae turned Jin slowly to face him. He was shocked by the words. Jin would never say such things. Seokjin, however...

“I-I can’t. I really really can’t. I can’t, Taehyungah.” His voice sounded small and far away. Desperate to cling onto something, yet free falling into an ocean of anxiety. 

Tae felt tears coming to his face but swallowed them fast. The palms of his hands cupped the angel’s face like a prayer. Their eyes met, and for the first time in a long time, he could see Seokjin behind that beautiful chestnut color. The area around them was red like two poppies in full bloom. Breath-taking and heart-breaking at the same time. 

Taehyung was scared that the second his mouth would open he would succumb to the sadness accumulating at the back of his throat. Quivering lips became firm. “You, out of all people, can do this. You are not damaged, you never were. This should not define you.”

Seokjin griped his side and winced in pain. His breathing was hard, his lungs felt as if they were cast in iron. Taehyung’s long index finger traced the largest scar on his cheek. He wanted to kiss them all, show his hyung how much he loves them all. 

“I’m not myself anymore.” Seokjin’s voice came in quietly, low. Like a threatening cloud on a summer day.

“You are more yourself than before.”

“All that is left with those ...” Jin paused covering his face. “Those scars... I—“

“I am thankful for them everyday.”

“What a cruel thing to say,” The blonde interjected in no time.

“They are a constant reminder that I almost lost you. A reminder that you are a fighter. A constant reminder that... I took you presence for granted.” A calm and gentle Tae patiently explained. His eyes were fixing the other. 

Jin was watching the young man before him. The tears were slowly stopping, hiccups coming up here and there. Big beautiful eyes were watching his every muscle move. He always felt Tae’s eyes were the same shape as a butterfly’s wings. So gentle and elegant, elongated and dreamy. A breath-taking sight.

“I need time.”

“That, we have.” Tae smiled reassuringly.

Jin wanted to tell him how he feels he can’t control his emotions at times, the pain his heart emanates at night, the drinking... all on the tip of his tongue. Time – that, we have. The words echoed in his soul like a prayer.

As if the other felt the stirring in Jin’s heart, Tae brought him into a hug. The familiar warmth was enveloping the blonde boy, his box of secrets was getting restless, asking for release. Their chests were flushed together. Soft lips slowly traced featherly kisses on the back of Seokjin’s neck and side. It didn’t feel sexual because it wasn’t. It was something else... something Tae has been avoiding for a while. 

“Can we get honeydew ice cream?”

Tae felt his heart do a somersault, touching the back of his throat. His voice came in low, much shyer than before. A weird feeling of.. hope?.. creeped in. “Y-yes, definitely.”

Jin gave the other a short hand squeeze. “Thank you.” I am not okay right now, I need time. But thank you...

~+~

For the 3rd time this week they got high on the rooftop and hung out talking about nothing. It was 4AM right now and the moon resembled a half-eaten bagel going to sleep. The sky looked like a romantic painter’s mixing palette: full of pastels and warm undertones. Nothing cool, nothing dark and mystical. It all looked soft and full, like a first kiss.

The two boys entered Yoongi’s room giggling shyly at nothing. Yoongi flopped on his back on the bed and bounced in slow motion. Hoseok decided that he was too shy, so he pulled out a bag of dried pineapple slices from his back pocket and started nibbling on them while examining the elder’s room. He never noticed how many Kumamon memorabilia the soft rapper had around his bed. That describes him more than I thought. A big warm teddy bear that looks scary and mean. But he wants love, he loves love.

“What are you eating?” Yoongi asked from the bed. The pineapple scent was now flooding his nostrils.

“Dried pineapple?” Hobi answered a little insecure.

“What?!” The grey-haired boy exclaimed while pushing himself in a sitting position at the edge of the bed. Hoseok got closer to him but kept eating.

Yoongi’s nose scrunched up sniffing at the familiar aroma that the young man in front of him left behind at all times. It was weirdly intoxicating in the best possible way. He leaned in pulling his friend down too. The other leveled with Yoongi with a piece of pineapple between his lips, stuck in the primary phases of being eaten. Yoongi bit off parts of the last piece as close to the other’s as he could. Their lips brushed lightly as they did many times before. But this time it was electrifying. Something stirred in his stomach and it pushed through. Hoseok leaned in closer making their mouths smash together, almost painfully so. It felt new, like a piece of gum right out of the wrapper. The shorter young man was the first to pull back. When they parted, Yoongi exhaled a lustful sigh. His heart was beating a rhythm he hasn’t heard in a while. It was intoxicated with that dripping pineapple smell. 

“I think it’s the high” he said creating a small space between them.

“I wasn’t all that high to begin with.” Hobi replied a bit puzzled and a splash of worry flickered across his brows. “Are you?”

“Not really, my buzz is coming down.” Yoongi swallowed hard while looking at the golden-haired boy in front of him. It felt like a hypnotic trance, he felt the pull. There was no teenage rush, but a sense of wanting to go back because it felt right.

Neither of them were scared. Fine maybe a little. But just that normal level of nervousness that you get when you kiss someone for the first time. His mocha eyes were the warm blanket he really wanted to wrap into. He could feel Hoseok’s sweet heart emanating waves of positivity and warmth.  He knew well that the other was waiting for a green light. 

He closed his eyes and leaned forward parting his lips slightly. Softer ones wrapped around his and sucked gently. Hot hands cupped his face and brought it closer. 

Hoseok looked at the soft boy in front of him. His angelic pale face cupped in his hands. It felt like it belonged. He climbed up onto his lap, the whole time keeping eye contact - a constant green light blinking behind his mulberry eyes. He lightly kissed his forehead. Yoongi fell back on the bed, as if defeated by the questions that were flooding him.

His lungs were heavy, soft and airy at the same time. He felt like a life vest. He felt himself float above the feelings. His arms spread to the sides and he watched his pale wrists with blurred eyes. Hoseok was still straddling his hips and now opening his shirt slowly one button at a time. Once free, he was just about to let his fingers take a walk on the pale boy’s chest, maybe take a rest stop on his pink nipples. Yoongi had other plans. Large hands grabbed his ass and the delicious man under him started groaning while grinding up into him. He looked like a wild animal. He could feel both his heart and dick grow at the same time. That’s a stupid thought to have. 

I guess he made up his mind. That’s a first. Hoseok smiled to himself as his mouth came down to meet his hyung’s once more.

~+~

The stars were shining a bit more dimly today. Jungkook was worrying, getting caught in his head. Maybe we forgot the drapes closed? They shouldn’t be less shiny.

“Kookah?” Jimin’s hand reached out to his. They were laying on the floor in the small space between Jungkook’s bed and Hoseok’s.

The maknae lifted an arm to fold under his head, settling deeper into thoughts. “Huh?”

Jimin decided to stay silent. His hand was still wrapped in the veiny large hands of his lovely dongsaeng. His heart was fluttering as it did many times before. He forgot what he was about to say, and Jungkook won’t remind him because he is too full with worry.

“Kookah, can you spoon me?”

Large arms crossed around the smaller’s chest. Jimin could feel Jungkook’s chest pressed against his back, and his legs twisting around his. If he weren’t there for Kookie for the longest time, he could have sworn that he could feel the other’s heartbeat speeding up, getting louder. The black-haired fairy boy hummed in satisfaction. He felt safe.

They never tried to define their friendship or draw lines around it to limit it. They were best friends, they hung out together a lot, they had each other as #1 on speed-dial, they stayed up at night watching Jungkook’s creation and to talk about life. Sure, sometimes they cuddled, sometimes Jungkook would get jealous of Jimin’s closeness with others, sometimes Jimin would be too clingy with Jungkook. It was not your run-of-the-mill standard friendship. They never claimed it to be. Jimin was Kookie’s first kiss before he asked out his first girl.

They didn’t know what they were, but truly it didn’t matter at this time. None of them were rushing, none of them were seeking to tie the other down. Jimin was trying to figure out his life, while Kookie was trying to just grow and develop in an adult human being. Both of those tasks took time, thorough thinking and … more time. So, they were taking things as they came.

Jungkook’s breath was lustfully draping itself warmly on Jimin’s ear. “I like this… I like you.”

“I like you too, Kookie.”

The younger frowned briefly as if he was trying o figure out the circumference of hell. “I am worried for Jin-hyung.”

“How so?” Jimin’s voice came in with undertones of fear.

“He is punishing himself for the accident. I can see it in the way he behaves. You do the same thing.”

“You saw that in general? Today?”

“Yeah, both. He was pushing more weight on his bench-presses. In his condition and judging also by the grimaces he was making, it was extremely painful and unrecommended. I tried to talk some sense into him. But you two are similar. No one can talk you out of it. Well, not no one.”

“Did you leave him alone?” Jimin’s voice came in full of worry.

“Tae was there,” Jungkook said reassuringly while spooning closer into his best friend and planting small kisses on the other’s ear.

~+~

“Taehyung-ah. We need to talk.” Namjoon’s serious voice startled him. The leader was sitting on the armchair in the living room, reading a book.

“It’s late, hyung.” The redhead whined in retort.

“Actually, it’s very early. We need to talk about Jin and I before you can move forward. I need you to understand and not assume what happened between us.”

Tae’s eyes got big as tangerines. He knelt at the coffee table in front of him. “Fine. I know most of it though. I am not dense.”

“That, my friend, is where you are wrong ---"

Chapter Text

“Actually, it’s very early. We need to talk about Jin and I before you can move forward. I need you to understand and not assume what happened between us.”

Tae’s eyes got big as tangerines. He knelt at the coffee table in front of him. “Fine. I know most of it though. I am not dense.”

“That, my friend, is where you are wrong ---" he set the book down on the table in front of him. The redhead peeked at the title: The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami.

While still eyeing the book, his mouth fell open subconsciously. “You tell me I am wrong. What’s new?”

Namjoon kept his cool, his eyes were trained on the other. He wanted to make sure this exchange was worth it. Tae and himself never really saw eye to eye. Then again, many people didn’t. That was the main reason in the beginning everyone nicknamed him alien. That was harsh of us, he thought looking back.  I should’ve done better.

“I know you and SeokJin-hyung have always had a different relationship. You never truly got along, but in time you found out how similar you were-“

“Or rather not that similar at all,” Tae whispered under his breath while looking away. His eyebrow were covered by the long bangs, but surely they were getting ready for war.

The older cleared his voice at the small interruption and carried on. “You became.. close. He was your first real crush that became a feeling of being in love, and you were his first serious relationship.” The labels made the other raise his eyes. That’s a different description than what he was expecting but not definitely accurate for one side, the other he wasn’t sure. How did Joon-hyung know about this?

“I see you are a bit confused. You forget I am your leader, it is my responsibility to protect you, guys. To take care of you. Plus, you are both easy to read. I knew I couldn’t stop you two. So, I never said anything, I trusted you will take care of your relationship and make sure none of us get affected.” His voice became grave, matching the golden ray of sun tracing a line on his nose and down his jawline. The air in the room became thick with coldness, as if they found themselves in the middle of the Arctic. “We both know that you both failed. You never learnt how to communicate to one another and you always expected the worst. Always bracing for impact, anticipating for the harsh concrete to hit you. Because, in the end, ‘is it possible for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another’?”

The words were hitting his skin like wasps nicking at a piece of fresh meat. The stirring in his heart made him angry. But not at his hyungs. No. He was angry at himself.

“You are so much alike that it is too close for you to see. You just assume the meaning of each other’s words and movements. The break up was hard to watch. You both hurt deeply, you still do. You kept hurting each other and jabbing each other because that was all you had left. Even at the price of the team, you couldn’t fall out of love with each other. You never let go. And that hurt all of us, not only you.” Joon only took small breaks to let his words sink in for the other. He was here on a mission, the tall young man just propped himself up on the back of the armchair and continued.

“It is admirable, though. It is significant, even, the fact that you love each other so much that you’d rather destroy each other than never have a connection. Foolish, maybe.”

“I thought we were here to talk about you two, not about us.” Tae’s voice came in thick and low like an oil spill engulfing everything alive. His eyes were now the sharp edge of a blade, ready to cut into the strongest of muscles if needed. A warning. His whole being was vibrating with energy. It was painful to sit through this lecture of truthfulness. Being called out on all your actions felt like being splashed with a bucket of icy water.  Epiphanies were never fun.

“We are. Jin took it on himself that he is nothing more than our visual. He had no prior training, he never thought of being an idol. He was an ordinary guy going to university and trying to figure out his life. He worked harder than anyone to make up for it, to show his worth.  Your break up was a confirmation for him that all his efforts were in vain. He was no more than a handsome guy you were attracted to. Seokjin became just another name on a list, and that hurt him.”

“What do you know about all this? Is this all just your deduction work?” Tae was growing antsy, impatient with betrayal.

“Seokjin-hyung came to me in December, after the Kim Ball. He was a wreck. I was there for him for more than 4 months. He couldn’t bare sleeping alone at times, so we’d go out practicing until Yoongi would come home. I held his hand in public and walked with him to the Han river to speak about our pain. He’d just cry, never really form words. One day, though, he told me about you. About Mark easily replacing him.

You see, I knew from the start you would hurt him. You were too young. But I never interfered. Maybe things would have been different if I did. In the end, I chose not.

My heart was feeling for him, for his love for you. So, whenever he needed someone, I was there. And when I needed someone, he was there. We had a system, we’d always meet at the river and talk, sometimes cry, sometimes just hug. That way, I learnt about his bravado that he puts on. I learnt how much he meant for the team, how much I loved him and how much I would do to protect him.”

Those were burning under the younger’s skin. Tae felt as if his worst nightmare was coming to life. Listening to another man talk about his relationship with Jin. Jealousy was blooming in his heart like weeds after a rainy day. This had to be gay hell right here.

“He loves the pain you bring him, and so do you. We were never together. I always was what I am still, his friend, leader and group member. I looked out for him, but never more.”

Taehyung’s long fingers came undone from the fist he had been squeezing in anger. He felt relieved. That’s so stupid. His eyebrows came down to a neutral flat stance, his expression was the all-too-known blank canvas. They were never together. It felt as if something was holding him back from celebrating his inner victory. Oh…

“I’m telling you this because you need to make up your mind. You can’t keep dragging Jin along. Not only are you hurting him, but you are hurting all of us. Don’t be foolish. You are smarter than that.” Namjoon reached out and set his hand on top of Tae’s chest. “We convince ourselves that we know the other person well but do we really know anything important about anyone?” He got up and took the book carefully in his hands.

Before Tae could come out of his trance, Namjoon was gone to his room. The clock was pointing 6:30 AM.  

~+~

It is easy to say that the rehearsal was weird. Namjoon was very serious and kept watch on the redhead while Tae was spacing out more than usual. He was bubbling with something, something that everyone could taste but only one person knew what it was.

“Taehyung-ah this is not the time to think whether or not dogs can sing or not. Can you please focus?” Hoseok’s mouth was in that dangerous triangle shape which they all learnt to stir away from. So maybe if Tae wasn’t that tired from a white night and maybe if he wasn’t so troubled he would have reacted.

“Yah, pabo! Even I know to listen to Hobi when he has daggers instead of eyes. Stop being in your head!” Jin's voice came in from the other end of the stage. For the first time in a month, the blonde member joined them for rehearsals before the concert. The redhead lifted his eyes to verify the source of the noise. His heart jumped and shifted to the back of his ribcage. Like a scared animal it was trying to hide in the darkest corners it could find. His head fell down, focusing on his feet.

“Oooooh, hyung! What made you join us today?” Namjoon’s voice boomed in the room, one arm was snaking around the other’s shoulders.

“I decided it is time for me to get in shape and get ready for the rest of the concerts.” He smirked and looked around, sliding his shades lower down his nose. “Plus, I was thinking you can’t shine brightly when the crown jewel is missing.”

Taehyung scoffed at the remark. They couldn’t stop themselves. They’ve been playing this tango for a while. Yoongi was watching the red boy closely. For once he felt pity for him. Jin was being unfair. Tae’s amber eyes were hanging low, pensive. They were lost in a forest hidden in his heart. Yoongi knew too well how that felt like. His eyes shifted to a particular golden-haired dancer who was sipping water and laughing with SeokJin. Knowing what your heart wants can be frightening. It can push you in the darkest corner, pulling at your seams to sew you anew.

Jin kept his winces to a minimum, but his breaths were coming in labored waves. The sickening sea foam was raising to his nose, filling his esophagus and straining his chest. It was too early to do this. It was a mistake. Tae was feeling himself get drained by his own emotions while the familiar silhouette reflected in the mirror was moving flawlessly across the floor. He caught himself staring at the blonde angel next to him more times than he was comfortable to admit. He looked distant, panicking, lost. His heart dropped while his legs felt heavy like lead. Tae just stopped in the middle of the dancefloor, seconds were passing like decades.

Do you know that feeling you get before you have your first ever dive in the pool as a kid? Your toes curl up in anticipation and your eyes get big with fear. But deep inside you there is a spell that bubbles lowly in the pit of your stomach. The excitement of the fall, the happiness of the splash come to tempt you. Every muscle in your being freezes, trying to stop the inevitable loss of control. Your toes push at the concrete beneath and in a matter of seconds your head is underwater, you made it.

Tae breathed out deeply. “Glad to have you back, hyung.” A smile painted his flawless caramel skin.

Seokjin looked up in surprise. The pain was subduing, something warm and dangerous was growing instead. Namjoon nodded at Hoseok smiling, the exchange was an understanding between leaders. Secrets have shadows in Bangtan.

~+~

Maybe it all started that damn autumn when Jin heard loud bangs against the door to their bathroom. He screamed loudly while stumbling backwards before crying out.

“WHAT IS IT? I swear to God, this dorm is going to kill me one day.” The banging continued, this time a strained voice sounding both low and high at the same time was screaming his voice.

“HYUNG!!! HYUNG LET ME IN!I NEED TO GET IN THE BATHROOM!!”

Seokjin stopped the hot water and wrapped a towel around his waist to open the door. Drops were trickling down his body, encasing him in a thin crystal layer. Behind the beaten down, white door stood a wide-eyed orange-haired boy. His smile imprinted itself on Jin’s heart the second he saw it. Tae’s ears were peeking at the sides out of his messy bowl cut, the caramel skin was pronounced and so enticing. His heart was now doing laps around his ribcage.

“Taehyung… Is there an emergency? Do you really need to go that badly?”

Tae’s eyes sharpened into what Jin would learn over the years as his mischievous tell-tale sign. The orange-haired boy bit at his lower lip, his grin widening with each step he took to get into the bathroom. A confused, wide-shouldered Jin was dripping water on the door. His hand pushed it shut.

Taehyung raised his towel to his chest shyly. The mischievous smile getting too wide to ignore. His amber eyes were glittering with hope and admiration. The dark irises were jumping from one muscle to another, searching the entirety of his hyung’s naked body. “Can- Can I shower with you?”

Seokjin was too tired after a long rehearsal to even debate it. Maybe today the answer would be different. But that day, he simply took off the towel and got into the shower, turning on the hot water. “Sure. We will wash each other’s backs. Okay?” His body was lean. The end of his ribs was peeking at the edge of his tiny waist like ruffled lace. The broad, strong shoulders and chest were contrasting his lower body deliciously. Without any doubt, the wet hair clinging to his temples was the final touch on a Renaissance masterpiece. He looked as if he was sculpted in velvet.

Taehyung swiftly got out of his clothes and joined his friend under the hot stream of water. SeokJin was using his own natural rose and strawberries soap, the bubbles were forming on his silky skin at every touch. In all senses, the tall boy looked like something pulled out of a manga book. Taehyung’s face was beaming red like a warning sign. Jin’s hands reached out at the the boy and started tainting his beautiful velvet skin with the bubbly suds. Each stripe was electrifying. Too warm to linger, yet too cold to leave untouched.

“Hyung, I like showering with you best. You are always so gentle with me. I want to be like that with you too.” Long caramel fingers wrapped around the soap in Jin’s hand and started their own journey together. Slowly, from rubbing the older’s back, Tae started to snake his way to the front. Gentle touches were caressing his abs and chest while the mischievous young boy pressed his front to the other’s back. The hot water was washing away unknown desires, unknown words that were not spoken yet. A red string of fate was tying around the two.

Maybe it all never stopped, just like Namjoon said. Maybe they don’t know how to stop.

The water was running a luke warm, keeping Seokjin’s body warm without offering any relief. His eyes were chasing the ripples of water the drain was creating. Long, slender fingers pushed back the curtain to the shower. A tear-eyed Jin was slightly hunched over, one arm clutching at the other. The iconic broad shoulders now looked so small. The pulsating need to wrap his arms around the other was bubbling low in Tae’s stomach, toes were curling with anticipation. He simply stretched out and joined the other under the pouring shower. Hands curved their way around Jin’s silky waist into a backhug. Tae’s pointed chin rested on the other’s soft flesh, just below his neck.  Soft lips kissed gently at the skin, a burning trail left behind, his cheek rubbing in Jin’s scent.

Seokjin’s hands instinctively hovered around Tae’s unshakeable grip. He left his head fall back on the redhead’s shoulder. Satin kisses caressed his neckline. Tears were running low, an old pain was slowly washing over him. An old need for more. Their breathing synchronized slowly while the water was lusciously flowing over their slightly parted lips and lustful lashes. The same intoxicating wild roses and strawberries was filling their heart. Some things never change.

“My beautiful, silky prince…” Tae’s low voice curved around the other’s ear. Fingers were tracing his favourite part of Jin. The scars were glistening with pride under the crystaly drops of water. Lips were tracing a path of kisses on the broad shoulder which were now straightening out and leaning backwards.

“I’m sorry.” The grip around SeokJin’s waist tightened slightly. The blonde angel hummed in response.

“I want to stay with you ‘till the morning.”

The two kiss passionately, a fire burning under their tongues. They both pushed out of the shower, a tango of limbs and busy bodies fell on Jin’s bed and, for once, he was thankful that Yoongi was busy in his studio. Their tongues were tracing foreign signs in each other’s mouths, teeth were scraping at reddened and abused lips. Fingers were griping at soft flesh, silky folds, and pulling on the short hairs at the nape of the head. Their eyes were closed shut in promises and wishes which can never be disclosed.

An emotionally bruised Tae faced his long-awaited lover. His eyes held an alcove of melancholic poems and sighs. “Hyung, you loved before, no?”

Jin did not look at him because he knew the effect the younger had on him. He wanted honesty, not pity. “Yes, I have. Many times, carelessly, foolishly...” and he did indeed. Like a hungry songbird suckling the sweet nectar of a flower - the addictive potion that filled him up with hope, that burned him up like a firework. But the ashes it left behind were always meaningless. So, yes, he loved, but he never really loved. Not like this.

“Then why do you do this to me? To us? “

Jin sighed deeply and brushed to the side Tae’s V-shaped bangs. He smiled a bitter, crooked smile. One that Taehyung saw only three times before.“My VV.” He cupped the young man’s face with one hand. His face got closer and his eyes were glittering as if a galaxy was being born in the darkness of his iris. “All love is different. This love, I’ve never had before. I never wish to have again with anyone else but you.”

Taehyung felt his eyes water slightly as he kept drinking in Seokjin’s cosmos stare.

“Seokjin, don’t say things you can’t take back.”

Jin leaned in slowly and their lips touched softly. Like pillows wrapped in the finest silk their mouths glided against one another. An innocent kiss meaning more of a hello rather than anything else. A shy smile. A confirmation.

“I don’t want to take it back.”

The young man in front of him shivered as if the mightiest wave ripples under his skin. He bit at his lip as he had done many times before. But this time it had a different message: I missed you. I am in love with you.

Seokjin laid back on the bed slowly, bringing Tae with him. As if the world stopped spinning, they were moving slow. The hunger that burned inside them a hole was finally subsiding. Time- that we have.

The blonde brushed away red locks of hair from the other’s forehead. He was like a Renaissance painting, a perfect ray of light was caressing his almond cheeks. His lips were two peony petals trembling at the thought of more. Tae’ index finger was gently tracing circles and twisted shapes on Jin’s chest. It felt intimate. A private conversation in a language they knew.

The older lightly wiped a stripe along Tae’s lower lip while watching it intensely. Eyes then jumping to his face, waiting for that confirmation he never bothered to ask for before. In response, their mouths collapsed, it was like watching a Roman arc cave within itself. The perfect architecture couldn’t withstand the external pressure.

The skin on skin contact was a rhapsody of home and togetherness. Tae’s leg was brushing on the inside of the other’s upper thighs. His own hip and thigh were creating that Jin needed so badly between his legs. The kisses were all tongue signatures and testaments of love and lust. Seokjin’s hand slipped between the two, trying to find the other’s heavy cock in his hand. It was smooth and had one thick vein running on the right side, making it twitch in response. The tips of his fingers were teasing and barely touching the length, enough to hear Tae’s needy low growls. His index finger touched the leaky end and rubbed circles with the precum. Electric shocks shot through the redhead’s body, his hands gripping at Jin’s biceps in response.

Tae whimpered lowly dragging his dick and lower body down the other’s torso. He was leaving behind a trail of bites and tiny suckling flowers.  Once arrived at the destination his tongue shyly licked at the base of Jin’s curved, long member. The sensation made the older’s toes curl. With kitten, amber eyes, Tae lapped and teased the other’s cock. Mouthing into it sweet nothings that he never got to say. His heart was beating like a race horse’s. Seokjin’s ‘humph’s and ‘mmmhmm’s were encouraging Taehyung to go further, give him more. The feeling of his hot mouth came fast. Hollowed cheeks applied the pressure Jin loved so much, the skilled tongue was twitching and snaking underneath. With a free hand he grabbed the rest he couldn’t fit in and twisted rhythmically. The other reached down to his own needs. God is he talented.

The need for release was slowly foaming up to the surface, Jin’s right knee was twitching at every tongue flick. Too much to keep up. “VV, let me have you,” he whispered low and hoarsely. His eyes were injected with a dark shadow. Taehyung lapped a few more times at the tip in response and then lounged for a kiss. Naturally, Jin’s hand gripped the other’s back of the head and slowly rotated positions. He was so fluid in his movements, so attentive and patient as if he was handling the world’s greatest treasure. He reached out for the lube from his top drawer. Taehyung was waiting on his back with the most ethereal and broken expression on his face. Slick fingers probed the young man’s entrance, drawing circles and slowly applying pressure. Soft moans and sighs were escaping their mouths at unison. For the first time, Jin slipped a finger in Tae, stretching him out slowly. He was hot, painfully so. His scrunched up face and wrecked moans were vibrating in Jin’s dick.

“Seokjin-ah… I—”

“Tell me, baby V. What is it?”

A loud moan escaped him as Jin thrusted two fingers in him powerfully, touching his prostate. Shit how is he so fucking good at this. “I need you in me.”

“Soon, my love.”

His fingers worked him over until sweat pooled at his temples and his mouth was permanently left agap. Strained moans and noises were leaking out, coated in lust and desire like chocolate covered strawberries. The redhead young man looked so beautiful on his back, knees bent towards him, opened for Jin. The blonde angel caressed the other’s chest, squeezing at his nipples lightly, teasing him fondly.

“Seokjin-ah…. My prince. P-please.”

The blonde positioned himself at the entrance, his tip circling the entrance. His head shot back, an animalistic groan pushing him over the edge as his dick pushed past the rim. He stopped briefly to regulate his breathing and gather his thoughts. “Baby V… My VV, you feel so good. Ahhh—” He moved slowly, carefully. It drove both of them insane.

“Please, Seokjin. Give me more. I need more. I am close.”

“Shhh, I don’t want to hurt you.” Jin’s hand came up to Tae’s lips. In retaliation, the younger pushed himself down on the dick. While hugging his thighs to his chest, Taehyung kept moving up and down to meet the other’s thrusts with more power.

“Ahh. Fuck! I need you. Ahh—I. I love you.”

Jin froze in place at the words. Surely, people say stuff they don’t mean all the time during sex. And Tae looked so far gone that he would say anything. Annoyed with the sudden halt, the almond-skinned boy grabbed at Seokjin’s hips thrusting himself into him. “Come on, Jinssi. Stop being gentle. It’s not my first rodeo. Mark had a front row ticket to that circus.”

The blonde’s heart tore out of his chest instantly. The pleasure, however, was tickling at the heel of his feet. Rage and anger were pushing him into thrusting long and deeply into the beautiful wreck in front of him. The whimpers and sobs coming from the younger made him want to kiss Tae’s heart and lick at his wounds. God, he cared for him so much. His own heart was vibrating like a cricket in the hottest summer night. He wanted this moment to last as long as possible. Both boys were running towards the finish line. The torture was sweet but the peak seemed sweeter although it announced the painful consequences that reality would bring along.

A moment definitely comes to mind when Jin heard his heart break. Voices shouting by a river. Saying terrible things to one another. Poison that will forever taint his love. 

“Who would have thought… a 22 year old afraid of sex!”

“I am not afraid. I don’t want to hurt you. I want this to be special for you, to mean something more.” Jin rubbed his right arm uncomfortably. He was never this forward and open.

“PLEASE! You don’t want to hurt me? You are the one scared to get hurt, who wants it to be special!” Anger was boiling on Tae’s face, brows flaring in his bangs like two kites caught in a storm.

Blood and a sickening feeling rushed to Seokjin’s head. An indescribable feeling taking over him, possessing every cell in his body. “AND IS THAT SO BAD?!” he screamed so hard it felt as if his lungs might burst through his chest.

Do you know that feeling you get when you are little and you stole your best friend’s toy and got caught for the first time? Somehow it is so intense and frightening as if the consequences can’t be computed, as if you regret your whole existence and you even forget why you are so terrified of the disappointment. You feel helpless and alone, without escape about to face your greatest fear. And you swear that they will abandon you.

Well that’s what Jin was feeling. As if a black hole opened between his last two ribs somewhere between his heart and stomach. It was sucking his life away, leaving just an empty shell and doubt in its place. Tears could never be shed because they never formed. In their place, an ivory mask set in, jailing him away from the future.

“Stop being so scared of who you are and just be yourself!” Tae’s voice came in muffled.

“THIS IS WHO I AM!” The words were speeding up between the two like two machineguns, stopping at nothing.

“NO, it’s NOT! I know you, Seokjin!”

“I’m just…”

“Just what?”

“I just don’t want to end up regretting it!” And with those words, everything went silent. Seokjin’s shield kept building as Taehyung kept on growing numb. The need to hurt each other so that something stays between them was also growing.

“Ah. I forgot I am not worthy of you, the son of a CEO,” Tae spat the words at the other.

‘Punish him.’ “Maybe you are not,” Jin clenched his jaw.

The redhead’s fist became tighter. “Maybe I have actual talent and don’t ride on others aimlessly.”

Their final form was cemented. Dark shadows were haunting their eyes. A need for poision and blood was filling their mouth like an aged Pinot Noir.

Jin pushed by the young man and got on his bike, riding as fast as he could away from the autumn post office where they would spend their favourite fall evenings. Taehyung was left behind, his bottom lip was betraying him. The tremble echoed through out his body. ‘What happened?’

“I fucking hate you!” he screamed into the empty street. The tears came streaming anyway. The torture session was over and as it will always be – nobody won.

Does it mean anything if you say I love you, if you make up your mind and give everything to each other? Does it matter that they both wanted the same thing? Does it matter that they just never learnt to trust each other?

“You fucked with Mark? In the span of 5 months you succeeded not only to replace me but to tick everything off your list that I wasn’t able to fulfill?!”

“You made me believe for months that you and Namjoon were dating. I felt like shit. If anything you pushed me to it.”

“Oh that’s fucking bomb that’s fucking brilliant for you to blame it all on me. I made you fuck him? Do you ever listen to yourself? You are a fucking asshole. You pretend you care?” Jin’s voice was shaking with anger, straining on lack of air. “You pretend you care about my life and about how I am but you don’t. Just like 6 months ago. You are just here for a piece of ass because you have some weird crush one me since you were 15. I don’t even fucking matter to you!” The blonde pushed his head out a big hoody.

“This was a mistake and it will never fucking happen again. I am not your fool.”

How did he mess up? Who messed up? Who was to blame this time?

Taehyung watched those broad shoulders which his head once called home and his cheek once called pillow walk away. He missed that feeling, as if they were carved on this human just for him. He missed Jin. I miss us.

~*~

The door creaked open to Namjoon’s room. A comatose, snoring Jungkook was starfishing on his bed. On the other side of the room, sharp eyes glittered in the corner. Namjoon was awake, his back was resting on the wall behind him, eyebrows angered in a worry-some ‘W’ sign. To say that Taehyung was frozen, was an understatement. He heard everything.

“You know, you are really lucky that Jimin and Jungkook are heavy sleepers.”

“Hyung…” 

“This is not why I told you about me and Jin.”

“What do I do now?”

“You’re better off asking Yoongi, he knows Jin best.”

Taehyung pushed his bangs back with a sweep of his hand. His bottom lip was being abused to no stop. Unshed tears were stinging at his nose and at the back of his throat. He nodded slightly.

“Hey! I trust you two to do the right thing.”

Tae couldn’t tell what Namjoon meant by that. Was he supposed to break up with Jin or just mend it for once and for all?

Chapter Text

Normally a knock on his door would rarely disturb him. Most times he wouldn’t even notice it. The huge headphones always on his ears, tuned out the world, he was one with the songs. Thankfully, he bought a security system that would automatically alert you when someone would ring the doorbell or try the knob without entering the password. A tiny window with live feed from the hallway started a panic in his heart. Yoongi was working on his songs as usual, or rather trying to but there was a distraction he had been trying to avoid recently. A distraction which found him and cornered him. A distraction which now was neatly tucked away.

Kitten eyes approached the hidden camera. “Yoongi-hyung, I really need to talk to you.” He tried the doorknob once more. “Hyung!!” The voice came in low, fearful, threatening. “This is important. Vital!”

Long, strong fingers wrapped on the abused knob and twisted swiftly while pulling. A dishevelled redhead lost its balance and stumbled in. The long beige coat was covering him entirely. He looked like someone’s lost child wrapped in hand-me-down’s. His eyes were glittering a in hazel sparkles of pain, of sickening fear. Yoongi started his new espresso machine and lit up a Magical Moments candle. He scoffed the first time Jin bought it for him, but now he was more than thankful for its presence. 

He sat on the black leather couch, legs crossed and arms on his knee. The classic bothered-and-done Yoongi face came on instantly. Kindness and softness rested just below the thin layer of skin on the apple of his cheeks.  A large veiny hand tapped the seat cushion next to him. 

A silent Tae sat down and wrapped the coat closer to his body. The thick Burberry scarf was covering his mouth. He seemed to be zoning out, trying to find words or maybe the perfect question. Two creases were exposing his true feelings.

“Taehyung-ah, you can’t come in screaming wolf and then stay silent.” He got up and took the espresso cup in his large, pale hands. He sat back down sighing. One leg draped over the other in a classic Yoongi fashion. Wth steady slow hands he kissed the small cup and took in the creamy coffee, slushing it around. It coated his tongue in a bitter sweet taste and made it feel tingly in anticipation.

Tae’s eyes were big, as they got every time after he cried. He is such a lovely kitty. What is this time, Taehyung? How did you hurt yourself?

The redhead swallowed and took in a sharp inhale of breath. “Hyung… I need to find Jin.” His eyes darted to the floor. Shame filled his stomach like a ghost haunting a sinking ship.

Steady eyes studied the boy. The tall arch in his eyelid seemed sharper now, the darkness in his iris was becoming a warning sign. Yoongi seemingly kept his cool and set the cup on the side table, both hands reuniting in an embrace on his knee. He was waiting.

“I know it’s not the first time. I swear I did my best to control myself. I did my best to make him understand and accept my love. I was…” his throat was clogging with tears. “I was there for him when it was most painful. I… I know he is going through things… I—”

“You know what the problem is?” Rigid eyes were watching him. A fatherly expression was painted on the pale young man. “You love him, you want him to love you too. Yet, all you know is what you feel. What you want him to feel for you. What you think he needs. Where you want to be with him. Do you follow?”

Amber eyes were glistening in sourness. His stomach was a knot in his heart. “What do I do? How do I change?” Silence filled the room. “I keep hurting him.” His voice trembled as tears gathered on his cheeks, kissing his loneliness away. He broke his own heart.

A grave, pouty voice started forming words in a low hum. “First off, know that I wouldn’t normally tell anyone things about Jin that he told me in confidentiality. Secondly…” he exhaled. “You don’t hurt him. He hurts himself. You two are awfully alike. It can be a curse and a blessing at the same time. You feel things the same and you react the same, yet you expect the other to do things differently.

I don’t know what happened this time, and, honestly, I wouldn’t want to know. You two need to sort things out for the last time. You need to accept what is in front of you and stop running away. If letting go is unthinkable for you, then what else is out there?”

“Work it through.”

Yoongi nodded and hummed in approval. A little surprised at how silent the redhead was. He kept biting his lower lip in an unsuccessful attempt to keep his tears at bay. Being brave doesn’t mean not crying, silly boy. “This is not all about you. You know that right?”

“I know he has been really battling anxiety lately… the scars are haunting him too. He wouldn’t tell me what is exactly going on.”

“Did you ask?” Tae’s head went down in shame. “It’s hard to reach out when you are having mental health issues. It’s still a taboo subject.”

“But I would never—"

“It’s not ABOUT you. Yes, you would never judge him. You would try to be by his side and help him. But Seokjin is a prideful person. He would want to sort things on his own. Or at least have the impression that he is. He won’t tell you he needs help, but Jin will leave you hints. One night it could be the smell of alcohol on his breath, another it could be him exercising to exhaustion, and sometimes it’s in the way he picks fights with you. He loves to hurt himself, punish himself. Be it drinking too much, rehearsing to the moment that I had to appoint Sejin as his human alarm, or ruining the one good relationship he ever wanted to have in his life.

I am not saying these to make you feel bad, to put you down. Seokjin self harms in his own ways because he thinks he is not enough. He grew up with that mentality, it’s not your fault. There is this disapproving figure that casted a shadow he had been fighting since he was a child. Not having your parents at home with you, having no siblings, can make a kid stick out in the crowd. He thought that if he made people laugh with his goofiness, they would like him. But they would just laugh at him. So, he silenced himself. Internally, Seokjin is a shy boy who never learned how to love himself.

Is he far away from who you are? Are you not just a Daegu boy with a wild imagination, a world of fantasies that nobody gets? A shy country-side boy who never feels like he belongs. A boy who never learned to love himself, and, so, he never learned how to give love?”

“Hyung… Jin is drinking?” A shaky lip tainted with tears was now red with blood.

“Seokjin is numbing himself as much as he can. You manage to say his darkest thoughts about himself, so they seem less threatening, yet they sting like a bitch.” Yoongi finished the espresso and got up to leave it next to the machine. “You know why he went to Namjoon that night at the Kim Ball?” he turned slightly, leaning backwards on the edge of the counter.

“He went with Namjoon?”

“He wanted a break from the hurt. Seokjin for once felt driven to stop hating himself and his shortcomings. He wanted to feel loved, welcomed, protected. Namjoon couldn’t give him what he wanted to the level he needed it. But they were enough.”

“I can give him that.” His voice was raspy from crying. A large warm hand touched his knee.

“You can. Just, stop hiding. He hides enough for the both of you. This time, Jin needs you to be there. But think it through. This is the last time I am helping you.”

“I understand. I am so grateful, you know that? Seokjin means… a lot to me.”

“You better be sure of what you feel for him. Clear out your head.”

Taehyung nodded absent-mindedly.

“You both need time. I will tell you tomorrow where you can find Jin.” They both rose off the couch and started walking towards the door. “But I am warning you: clear your head out. Be sure of what you want before you see him.”  Yoongi’s pale hand was gripping on Tae’s bicep almost painfully. A wince from the redhead made him let go.

Taehyung seemed full of thoughts. It was a lot to take in. The love of his life was in pain. Most of it if he didn’t already see, he felt it, he knew about it. Tae just chose to ignore it. So foolish. But I can change this. Seokjin deserves more than that, and I can’t afford to lose him again.

A smile crept in as he turned around on his heels. The big coat twirled around him heavily. His face rose in the air. Taehyung’s nose turned up and scrunched started sniffing like a hound dog. “New candle? I love the scent, sweet yet fresh. Pineapple, right?”

Yoongi blushed slightly, more angry at himself than flustered. “Don’t you have more important things to do?” 

“You know, it smells familiar almost.”

~+~

“That was close..” Hoseok slowly pushed the bathroom door open. His face was dusted with a peony pink. “I feel bad lying to him.”

“I don’t. We are not actively lying,” Yoongi shrugged and set the machine for another espresso.

“We are not open either.”

“Listen, we barely know what we are.”

Hoseok wrapped his arms around the grey-haired young man and looked deeply in his eyes. “I know what you are to me.” Yoongi rolled his eyes and blushed all flustered and annoyed at once. “I like you.” The fond mulberry pools were watching his small movements and soft lips. The same feeling he got when he drank hot coffee, that good burn on the inside of his sternum, soothes him.

“I like you too,” he said lowly looking up. 

“Than that’s all that matters. No matter what, we are the closest of friends. I’ll always be there for you.”

The shorter leaned in, his eyes closing slightly. Hobi smiled fondly and met his lips halfway. The kiss was short this time. Meaningful. They were always meaningful. This time, however, it felt as if two moons collided in the middle of the night, leaving behind a haunting glow.

The two parted slowly as the air around them was vibrating anew. Yoongi handed Hoseok a cup of espresso and they both retook their space on the couch. A serious look framed the golden-haired young man as he sipped the dark liquid.

“Do you hate it?”

“Hmmm? Oh no. Not at all.” A heart-shaped smile hugged his face. “I was just thinking… What made Seokjin change from that shy boy to being so outgoing and charming. He is horridly flirty and out there with everyone nowadays.”

The shorter boy leaned back puffing up his cheeks. Arms came folding on his chest. “You know, some times I think you are with me only for the hot gossip.”

Hobi started laughing teasingly and cupped the other’s face. “Yaah! How cheeky of you! I am with you for the hot gossip and the hot ass.” He giggled and kissed Yoongi playfully. The young man in front of him blushed terribly and scrunched his nose in disapproval. Gosh, that nose scrunch really stopped time for Hoseok.

“Beforeeee,” the pale young man emphasized and dragged the last word. “Before we go down the path we did one hour ago,” Hoseok blushed and smirked at the memory,”I would like for us to stop. And it seems like the only way you will stop is if I give up information.

To be honest, it’s not information you can’t find yourself. It’s a story Jin told many times but left details out. Remember he always mentions his uncle’s strawberry farm? He likes to say that he had the best memories in nature, and he owes it all to that summer at the camp.”

“He does mention the strawberry farm quite a bit… What about it?”

“Well, one night, when Jin was rehearsing I went through the journal again. I need you to understand that I only did it to make sure that he wasn’t in any danger.  I wanted to make sure that he was managing his situation… Not acting out…”

“Yoongi, we talked about this. I know why you did it.” The younger draped a loving arm around the other’s shoulders, bringing him closer.

The older sighed in relief and continued. “Yes.. well. After Tae and Jin broke up, he recounted the story rather than describe their break up. I thought it was rather odd. But the more I read it the more I understood. He spent the whole summer at his uncle’s farm because his father wanted to toughen Jin up before highschool. He was about to go to-“

“An all-boys highschool.”

“Are you telling the story?” Yoongi squinted at the golden-haired boy.

A heart-shaped smile came in. “Ah no, no. Go on.”

“Since it was all-boys, his father was hoping to make Jin a man’s man. His uncle from his mom’s side always invited Jin over but Mr. Kim never let him. When he arrived at the farm, he initially missed the business of the city. He hated the constant smell of fertilizer, and had a hard time adjusting. It seemed that his dad’s plan to make him miserable worked.”

“That’s awful…”

“But the farm had a great year. They had to hire more help for cultivation. His uncle introduced him to the neighbor’s boy. He was 3 years older than Jin and ‘devastatingly handsome, outright anime-worthy’. Those were his words, not mine.”

Jin looked at the tall boy in front of him. He was so handsome and tanned. “I am so stupid hahahaha” he says scratching the back of his neck. “I once spent one entire hour on a test and got only 4 points because I was having a panic attack. Sorry for taking on the same row as you.”

“Figured. You don’t say that to me. So, I highly doubt you would say something so embarrassing about some else,” the golden-haired young man snickered. Yoongi frowned slightly and continued.

“They became close.”

“Oooooh! Oooh, hyung. This is becoming an 18+ story.”

Yoongi slapped Hoseok’s thigh which made him wince but also smirk after. Bubbly, perverted giggles came out.

“Do you want to know or what?” The sharp tone became snappy. He is so adorable when he is fake mad.

Hobi just straightened his face and invited him to continue.

“They became close because he was what Jin wished to be. He was confident and charming. He was a gentleman, and, overall, a man that anyone could easily fall in love with. He brought Jin out of his shell. For once, he felt he could be himself. A better self. He fell in love for the first time. He was his first in everything. He meant the world to him.”

The sun was trickling in through the leaves. At the base of an old apple tree, two young man were laying one next to the other. The warm rays were soothing over their skin and kissing it with a golden glow.

“I found a four-leaf clove!” Seokjin smiled brightly at the older boy. His hand caressed the other’s chest and left behind the beautiful lucky charm.

“Ah, and there for a second I thought you found my heart.” They giggle together softly. “I seem to have lost it in the field. This bright smile knocked me off my feet.”

Jin searches the breast pocket of his buttoned shirt and comes out with two fingers put in a crossed heart.

“Hyung, I found it!” the older boy cups Jin’s hand and brings it to his mouth. A plump, lovely kiss is placed on his fingers.

“I love you, Jinnie,” and he puts on the young boy’s finger a ring fashioned out of the four-leafed clove.

“I love you too,” Seokjin says in a whisper and kisses the other with soft lips full of passion.

“One weekend, his father decided to visit. His uncle knew about Jin and neighbor boy, he was happy for Jin. Let’s say that when Mr.Kim found out about this he did not completely agree. When your son describes you as ‘eyes colder and more distant than Pluto’, you know you fucked up.”

“Damn.”

“He made Jin return home. His father made him believe that being gay means people will only love you for your body. That real, true love does not exist in homosexual relations. That he won’t mean anything to his lovers.” Yoongi’s fist was clenched in anger, and his voice was trembling. The taller took his hands in his and caressed them.

His lip was trembling in fear. The words were cutting into his bones like broken glass.

“Your mother would be ashamed of you. Not only are you fragile like a girl, but now you want to become one? Is this what you think your dead mother wanted for you? We raised you better than this!”

His eyes were squeezed shut in pain. Large sobs were leaving his body without his consent.

“Hey, Yoongi. Hey.. It’s okay. People like him mean nothing to the world. They amount to nothing.”

“I know that… It just makes me so angry every time.” He cleared his throat lightly. “Mr. Kim made SeokJin think gay love is a game with no winners, only pain. He made him believe he wasn’t worth love.”

“He… He just denied himself who he was. That’s why he was so charming in highschool. He just broke hearts.”

“The only heart he really broke was his own.”

~+~

The blonde young man looked like a ghost haunting the streets of Seoul. He was walking like a model, all brand clothes fitting him perfectly. His face was chiseled like the statue of a god, no emotion was leaking through it. Just the sweet nectar of the gods was dripping around his mouth in a smile.

“I have a reservation for two under Kim SeokJae.”

“Ah, yes. You must be his son, Kim SeokJin. Your father, Mr. Kim SeokJae is not here yet, he will arrive shortly.” The woman said guiding him to a private, dim-litted room at the back of a dark restaurant. Everything was black marble and mahogany wood. The chairs were mahogany wood with a firm yet comfortable, wine-colored leather seat. The table was Victorian-style. Jin took a seat and fixed his stare on a painting of the Han River, green shores shaded in the glow of the afternoon sun.

Maybe there are some things in life we can’t forget. Like the taste of your first strawberry, your first kiss, your first I love you. Sometimes we wish we forgot some firsts. Sometimes we wish they never happened.

And sometimes, we just replay them in our hearts like a music box. It soothes you. It heals you of all the bad energies you trap inside your soul.

“I think honeydew ice cream is my favourite now,” Jin hummed happily.

“Yeah. I figured this much, hyung, after you opened a third one.”

“It’s healthy, it has fruit.” The older squinted at the boy walking beside him. They had been taking walks around the river for 3 months now. Almost every night they would bike to the river and then walk around. Talking about school, training, love interests, family. They would always sneak a snack in, however.

“At this rhythm, my V will have to carry me to the dorm. Maybe 3 ice creams was excessive,” the older whined dragging his feet.

“I would be more than happy to carry hyung. You are so light, like an angel.”

“Ahhh my V-ssi, so cute for his hyung. Aigooo! If only I knew you would treat me so well.”

“I always do. I always try to.” Tae turned to face Seokjin with a serious stare which slowly turned into an ^o^ type of face. A bit of pink blossomed on his cheeks but his mouth stayed open in anticipation to forming words.

“Hy-hyung… you have..” His arms start flailing around pointing at the general direction of the mouth.

“Beautiful lips, I know I know. I am so handsome, even my VV is in awe.”
“No, its…” Tae cupped his face with one hand and swiped his thumb across his bottom lip, gathering some melted ice cream. In a swift move, without completely thinking it through he sucks on his thumb, licking at the sweet nectar.

Jin stopped in his tracks, a wave of flustered red cheeks to match his red ears washed over him. His heart was speeding more than usual. His eyes go from surprised to a shy frown, making Taehyung smile bashfully. The young teen bit as his lower lip smiling largely, eyes becoming two crescent moons. A sight that Seokjin could never erase from his memory.

“You had ice cream on you.”

The young man in front of Tae touched his bottom lip gently, the other watching him intently. Jin’s hand reached out to cup Taehyung’s chin. A breathy “Thanks” came out as their faces got closer. Maybe the past months of walking and occasional ‘friendly’ hand-holding had something to do with it. Or maybe it was the cheeky move Taehyung pulled. Or maybe, in the end, it just came down to the fact that Seokjin loved his childish, crazy behavior, big heart and creative mind. Maybe it was more than attraction or just spur-of-the-moment type of thing. Maybe it was love.

Did it matter?

Their lips touched lightly, Tae’s eyes being the last to close. They were both timidly mouthing secrets to each other. Each kiss was softer and more hungry than the other. Their warm hands were tangling into a knot of fate.

The chair scraped the floor lightly.

“Mr Kim SeokJae has arrived,” the waitress announced.

“Hello, father!” His eyes narrowed immediately.

~+~

“I already know what this is about.” Yoongi put a hand out. “I don’t need more details.”

Jin smirked lightly as he turned around pretending to leave. “So, I guess I will just ask Namjoon how we should break it to the team that you and Hoseok are boning.”

“WAIT! WHAT THE HELL?!” The shorter young man jumps off the sofa alerted. His cheeks were blazing red and he already started sweating.

“How the fuck do you know that?”

“Well I had a hunch ever since I found a condom in our room and everything smelled like pineapple. But now you confirmed it.” Seokjin gave a shit-eating grin, teasing his roommate.

“Ah, yes hilarious. Could you not tell Namjoon yet?”

“It’s not my place to tell him anyway. You kids figure yourselves out. Someone in this house should have a healthy relationship. Talking about him, Namjoon-ah told me that Tae was looking for me, and he sent him to you.”

“Just talk. It’s easy. JUST. TALK.”

“What am I? A damn trope in a drama? You tell me just talk and suddenly I realize that dang I am the stupidest. Should’ve done that months ago?!” He got progressively angrier and his face was turning a bloody red. “We fucking talked, okay?! That’s the damn problem! We talked before about what each one of us wants. He CLEARLY didn’t want the same thing. He made it crystal clear to me. That’s why we broke up. Played me like a damn fool. And now? I fell for the same tricks. My heart is weak for his gentle words so my brain thinks he really wants more. That he wants just me and only us. He doesn’t!” Tears started streaming down his face involuntarily. He didn’t even realize how hoarse his voice came in the end. Like a broken mandolin, some chords peaking high but most were broken, twisted in a painful sight. Yoongi stood in front of him with big eyes staring in dismay. He never really wrote in detail about the breakup. 

The grey-haired boy rested both of his hands on the other’s shoulders. A empathetic squeeze came with it which only made Jin hurt more inside. He hates pity. “I know you’ve been through enough lately. I am not saying talk to him right now because the story is different. I am saying you should take some time. Take care of yourself and then talk to him when you are ready. He will still be there like he always was. Just be honest with each other. No more fights. Just a heart to heart. But take time to love yourself and heal yourself first.”

Chapter Text

“Does it feel different now?”

The high-pitched, soft voice coming from behind him made Namjoon jumpy. The always-knowledgeable chocolate eyes watched Jimin surprised. A shy piano was playing in the background. The music was coming from the laptop, it sounded like one of Yoongi’s random moments of inspiration where he just plays by the ear. Joonie went back to watching over the city, down below at the people passing by through their normal lives. His notebook was open in his lap, both hands resting on a piece of paper which had lyrics scribbled on it in a haste.  Jimin’s eyes focus in on the title – Tokyo. Ah…

The black-haired boy sat down in the chair facing away from the window. He looked into the darkness of the room.

“How is she? Do you still talk?”

“Hmmm..” Namjoon frowned at the people below him. “Yes.” A few seconds went by before he spoke out again, as if trying to organize his words in a sentence. “She is good. She is going to university, finishing her last year actually.”

Jimin rested his small hand on top of Namjoon’s knee. The darkness of the room was really letting his soul barren. Easy to take in any emotion and resonate with it like a tree falling in a valley. “How are you? Do you miss her?”

The taller seemed to wince at the question. “I..” he cleared his voice. The truth was stuck at the back of his neck, yet he was trying to push it to the edge of his tongue. “I think I miss myself when I was with her. I miss the old me. But I hate the old me.”

The other nodded his head silently. They didn’t talk this seriously usually. Namjoon would talk to Yoongi about such things, or one of his old buddies. Jimin would talk to tae when his world was heavy. Yet here they were. Roommates, watching the world passing by, watching the darkness get lighter – hoping that what they feel today will one day be discovered.

“I do too. I think it’s hard not to. You see all the flaws and all the mistakes.”

“Or, sometimes, you see the true you. You see it fading away.” He closed the notebook silently, dropping it on the table between the two. He watched his own reflection in the night sky. So many people get to live their lives normally, undisturbed by thoughts, by a constant fear of not being the best version of themselves. People think about what they will be eating tonight, where they should go this weekend. Sure, they have their worries. But they are real, they are themselves.

“I am sorry, hyung.” Jimin’s voice comes in low, almost a whisper.

“Why are you sorry?” The taller gently caressed Jimin’s hand. A familiar warmth was filling his lungs.

“You worry about us all the time. You know the worst about us, you protect us. I sometimes feel like you don’t have any choice but be strong.”

“Do you think I am selfish?” his voice came in gravely, like a broken bass. A shadow of pain and guilt stabbed at his heart constantly. More than he liked to admit.

“She is unaware of what is happening in your heart. She loves you, the real you. Not the ‘you’ that watches you from behind the mirror, not the one that is on the stage, and not the old you. So, she deserves to know where everything is going. You deserve to know.” The smaller rarely spoke so candidly to his hyungs. In other circumstances, the older would have been angry. This time, however, he was distracted.

A girl carrying a distinct purple umbrella with a full moon printed on the top crossed the street towards the hotel. Namjoon’s chocolate eyes watched her slow, elegant movements. The heavy backpack was peeking from under the cover, long toned legs were lazily moving  across the pavement. His heart stopped for a second. I would encourage artists to date. You need to write love songs but you are not allowed to be in love. That makes no sense. Words he said long ago came rushing in his chest.

“I keep saying she breaks my heart, but the truth is I am the murderer. I hurt myself by hurting her.”

Jimin raised his eyes to watch the young man next to him stand up and watch the pavement underneath them closely. “You and Tae are not as different as I thought. You want to be loved, but none of you want to assume the responsibilities if it goes wrong. That’s not fair, hyung.”

“Hmmph..” Namjoon let out a painful chuckle. The purple umbrella slipped through the front door and into the building. “Sometimes life is a word you cannot say.” He moved away from the window and grabbed his jacket from where he threw it earlier that day. “I am going out for a bit.” Long legs made their way to the front door. With his hand on the knob, Joon paused for a second looking back. “Tae can do better than me. He is braver than me.” With a swift turn, the hallway light crept in the dark room through the crack. “Jungkook too. He may not make a decision now. But his mind has been made up for a while know. Trust him.”

And with that, the dark-haired boy was left in the darkness alone. His heart was beating fast. Maybe it was because he didn’t know Namjoon was aware of him and Jungkook. Or maybe it was the fear of trusting someone completely. His fingers were fidgety, running circles around one another. It would have been easy to give in the sea of thoughts and feelings which was threatening to invade his soul. After a few seconds they settled down. With a steady hand, he reached in his pocket and dialed a number.

“Hey! Are you asleep?”

A warm, muffled voice came in response from the other side.

“Do you want to come over?... I miss you.”

~+~

A familiar smell of freezing air and cinnamon chapstick took his nostrils by surprise. Maybe he imagined it, maybe his mind was just missing him dearly. Or maybe it was a warning. His steps were brisk through the freezing rain. It was spring, yet the winter still lingered on at times. Red velvet pants fitted Taehyung as if they were poured on him. His deliciously thick thighs were constricted by the fuzzy, soft material. The quick steps were pushing forward slowly.

His breath was falling short through the harsh cold air. Does it really matter? He might not be even there. What if I embarrass him? 

A half an hour ago, a sleepy and sweaty Taehyung was lounging in his practice clothes. He was numbly looking at the fake constellation Jungkook once built for Jimin. His whole body felt heavy with fear and worries. He shut his eyes slowly and exhaled deeply. His palms relaxed around him, opening towards the sky like a sign of surrender. Tae felt his pocket vibrate. An agitated tiger bit at his soul anxiously. His long fingers reached the top of the smartphone and with a heartbeat left behind he flipped to see the screen.

He is at the Secret Garden meeting with his father for lunch.

This is your last chance to make things right.

Don’t screw it up. Be there for him.

Thank you for trusting me, hyung.

His feet slow down in front of an old door towards one of Japan’s most pretentious restaurants. His hand was shaky as it reached out for the door. Almost as if not being able to believe his eyes, a grand hallway, with twisted golden arches and golden trimmings were revealed behind the heavy wooden door. The demure lighting made the place seem like out of a fairy-tale about royal families, lost crowns and mystical nights. The classical piano music played gently in the background, making the shimmer of the golden accents stand out more. The paintings showed a rough, and somber atmosphere. Tae followed the young

woman who guided him towards a table snuck in a darker corner where blue ivy grew.

He stood there unable to move for a couple of seconds. A cold sweat ran through his body, as his heart started beating fast behind his black, silk shirt. As a nervous tick, he flicked the edge of his bangs to the side and arranged his open collar in a perfect V shape. His hand squeezed gently at the roses in his hand.

“Seokjin, the military service is coming up soon.”

“Father, I still have a few years until then. Many things can change… And even if they don’t, I am ready. You taught me to be ready.”

The older man in front of Jin scoffed sarcastically, “You—”

A chair scraped against the marbled floor. “I apologize for the lateness. I was caught in a meeting with my manager which ran a little long. Did you get to order yet?” Taehyung smiled as he set his hand on Jin’s shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. He took a couple of bows towards the older man, and then one for Jin. “Those are for you. Thank you for the invitation.” A soft voice washed over him as kind, loving eyes set upon Seokjin’s.

The blonde’s ears grew red. Maybe with embarrassment, maybe with anger or fear. Definitely, one of them was targeted at Taehyung. He took his bouquet and set it aside, nodding almost automatically. He was taken aback, that is for sure.

Upon being seated, Tae extended his hand towards the old man in front of him. He looked to be in his early 50s. White hair was gently caressing the side of his temples; the rest of the hair was dense and jet black. His face matched a lot with Seokjin’s – the same long nose with a soft twist at the end, the same plump lips and arched eyebrows. Mr. Kim differed from his son, however, in many ways. His lips were pursed in a permanent line of disapproval and concern. His eyebrows are in a constant state of authoritative and demanding frown. And, finally, the eyes. Seokjin had the most beautiful and kind almond-shaped eyes, a pair which Tae could draw even in his sleep. He has that from his mother. His soul, his talent, and kindness, along with his eyes all come from her. She must have been a blessing to be around.

“We met just a couple of times at the Kim Ball, correct?” Jin’s father interrupted without shaking the other’s hand.

“Yes, sir, indeed. We met at the Kim Ball. I am Kim TaeHyung, I work with SeokJin.”

“Ah, yes. Well, hopefully not for long.” Those words startled the red-head and made Jin’s heart shrivel in a ball of hurt.

“What do you mean, sir?”

“I was just talking with SeokJin, before you interrupted us. I didn’t even know of your invitation, by the way. But I will talk with my son after this lunch,” he waved his hand as if to signal off the oncoming scolding that was coming soon. “SeokJin agreed that he has been wasting time in this group. This is not what he was supposed to do. I let him take acting as a major but pushed him to take business as a minor. In order for him to marry, have a wife, a kid, a house, he needs a stable job that will provide for his family. A job that he can do well.”

Tae’s mouth stayed open after hearing the words ‘SeokJin agreed’. He checked to see what his hyung was feeling, checking for a denial. Jin was resting against the back of the chair, letting the waiter set his entrée in front of him. His brows were furrowed in pain, and his lower lip was sticking out more than usual. If he hadn’t known the love of his life for long, maybe he would have fell for Mr. Kim’s words.

“What will you be having, sir?”

Taehyung cleared his voice and put on his acting mask. Although he was often silly and childish, he knew what adults wanted. He saw many dramas and animes depicting a serious guy with no feelings, dashing looks and a killing confidence be admired by others. That is the guy everyone wished to be at one point in their teenagehood. “I will be having the egg custard covered with shiitake mushrooms and truffles, and the roasted guinea fowl on a bed of smoked hay, please.”

“Thank you, sir. They will come in time with their mains.” The waiter backed out quietly, making their ivy corner cold again.

Before anyone could speak, Taehyung took the charge. “I agree that it is important to arrive at that level, Mr. Kim, once you are ready to settle down. SeokJin will likely follow that path one day in the future.” Tae saw Jin in the corner of his eye lowering his head in defeat. “Your son is still young. His career, just like his talents and beauty are just now flourishing.”

Kim SeokJae stared down the young man in front of him. The redhead did not try to attack him head on, yet the friction was palpable. The ice was getting thinner. “My son is not that young anymore. At his age I was married. He is trying to be a performer, but, with all due respect to your work, the group is falling behind. You can’t compare with big companies. You won’t be the next Super Junior.”

Taehyung pushed back his hair, the vein on his neck getting thicker. With his other hand, he set it over Jin’s caressing him softly. For once, he wanted to be there and fight the whole world if needed for SeokJin. For once, he knew exactly what he was to him.

His diction stayed flawless, his manners stayed as high as a prince’s. “We have achieved great things, despite our company being so small. People are noticing us. And the last song we just promoted is taking over all radio stations. Everyone deemed it as a game-changer for us. SeokJin sacrificed a lot for us to be here. We are growing and improving because of him. We owe him a lot.”

A brief interruption came in as the waiters brought in their main courses. The colours in their plates made them all look like pieces of art. He had never seen more beautiful food with such a delicious smell.

“SeokJin sacrificed too much for you. That, I will give you. He sacrificed to the point that his image is broken forever. That disgusting scar on his cheek, and God knows what is on his torso… You disfigured him for life. If he finds a decent wife of his level we should count ourselves lucky.” The older man stuffed a piece of steak in his mouth and chewed at it with pleasure as if the words eh just spewed barely affected him.

Seokjin leaned in, his ears a shade of burgundy. “I will continue to do this. This is what I want to do.” His voice was low threatening, but on the verge of tears. His dad was always capable of breaking him.

“SeokJin is not broken, he is not disfigured. I respect you being his father, but those are not words that are to be spoken about anyone. More so your own child.”

“Saying we should be lucky to marry a decent girl of our social standing is not in any way offensive. SeokJin knows what I meant. He needs a woman with a future, not a low life.”

“Maybe I don’t want to marry? Maybe I don’t want a girl? Maybe I want to be happy for once?” Jin’s voice came loud, trembling. His tears were at the back of his throat, anger boiling in his side.

“Who are you talking to like that?” Mr Kim banged his fist on the table. The quiet restaurant was now trying very hard to not stare in their direction.

“Sir, Jin is working harder than any of us. He is extremely talented and gifted. We are lucky to not only have him as a member but to have him in our lives.”

“Ah! I finally see what is going on here.” Kim SeokJae gathered the cream colored napkin in his lap and slapped it on the table. “This is that faggot talk we had years ago. This is why he is here, isn’t it? Are you two… what? You are banging each other in the ass and tell me how to teach my children about life? Have you lost your mind, SeokJin? Have you forgotten where you come from?”

“I did NOT lose my mind. If anybody lost it was you after mom died. SHE, she is where I come from. She always understood me and gave me love and support. What are you doing?”

“I am raising you the right way, god damn it!!! I am building a future for you!”

“A future for me?! Are you kidding me? You are building your future. This is what you want. You never

once told me you loved me. You were never there when I needed you to be my parent.”

“I will not tolerate this type of behaviour in my house. If you make the choice to continue like this…”

“I got the message. Don’t worry. I won’t bother you anymore.” Seokjin pushed his chair back and left the restaurant without looking back. Behind him, the plate was all mixed in a mash of fancy food, and a cream bamboo thread napkin in the middle of it.

Taehyung got up slowly wiping his mouth. “You and I both love SeokJin. Don’t late your fear drive away the people that mean most to you. Don’t drive him away just because it is easier than dealing with it all. Love is not prideful. Love is patient even in a place you feel you don’t deserve.” He dropped behind ￥ 20,000 to cover for him and Jin, and grabbed the roses.

The weather was harsher than before. A little colder than he remembered. It could be the anxiety numbing the edge of his fingers too. His mind kept on replaying the abrasive words that Mr.Kim threw at his son. They were abusive, demeaning. Words that, he knew, brought Jin to his knees. Words which once they were said by his bully, but now echoed in the blonde’s heart.

“Hyung!” Tae shouted at the tall figure walking slowly in front of him.

Seokjin turned slowly at the voice. His hands were in his pockets and a tear-streaked cheeks were adorning his face in the most beautiful yet heart-breaking way. He groaned lowly in response. “What are you doing in Hamarikyu Gardens? You weren’t even supposed to be at the restaurant! Can’t I just catch a break from you?”

“I came because I knew it was a hard time. I wanted to support you. And because I needed to talk to you.”

“Great. Everybody needs to talk to me. Everybody has something to say to me.”

Tae catches Jin’s elbow.”Listen, I came because what I said was wrong. My behaviour was terrible and it made no sense. I was scared—”

“I don’t want your apologies.” The blonde stepped backwards onto the grass, backing up slowly. “I don’t want your remorse. I have enough of that from others.”

“I know. I just need you to hear me out. I won’t make excuses. I was an asshole, I made you feel insignificant and not enough for me. I didn’t know what you went through or nor did I ask about your feelings. I—”

“I know what you did wrong. What do you want from me? Do you just want to haunt me and make my life miserable? Cause I have that already from my father. What the hell do you want me to do?” The lake behind him stood still, the cold air caressing its surface in waves of sorrow.

“I want you to give me one more chance.” Seokjin started shaking his head and backing up a little bit

further at a time. His whole existence and body was refusing to address the situation. It was breaking Taehyung’s heart to see him like this. “I—hey. Hey! Listen… I—”

“No! Nononono. No. Don’t tell me that. Don’t tell me the next words. I don’t want to hear ---”

With one more step back, Seokjin felt his foot kick at the emptiness behind him. There was nothing but air and soon to be water underneath his body. Slowly he was falling at an angle inside the lake. The water was cold and icy, prickling at his lungs and skin. The shock of temperature was settling in while arms and legs were flailing in no particular strategy. Soon after, something like a hook pulled him to the surface and towards the shore.

~+~

His legs were weak and his vision was hazy. He could feel hands moving on his body, slowly removing soaking wet items of clothing. A large arm snaked under him and helped Jin up, slowly inching towards the bathroom. The smell of wild roses and peony filled his nostrils, while warm vapours licked att his purple-ish, white skin. He lowered himself in the warm bath, the potion surrounding him was awakening his senses.

Gentle, long fingers were slowly working his hair with the shampoo. The owner was whispering to Jin thoughts he kept in for months. Whispering longings, whispering wishes that he hopes one day will come true.

“You are so beautiful to me. You have the smoothest skin, the softest kisses and the most playful soul. You rival a puppy in your innocence and love for everything around you.” Water was now running slowly on his scalp, washing away all his impurities and worries with it. His heart was taking a break slowly from all the anxiety that had been constricting him for the past month. His lungs were lighter.

Lips neared his ear and lowly mouthed words into his heart. “I love you so much. If I could take your fears and pains, I would in a heartbeat. I knew that from the start. From the second you gave me your jacket, to our first kiss, to our first time, to now. I love you.” The sound was faint, almost unintelligible. But love falls heavy in your heart, it is hard to ignore or to erase. It is easy to access and activate.

Seokjin rose his hand to meet those of the carer. Jin softly caressed it while tears formed under his closed eyes. Silver droplets were falling slowly, gently, almost like snowflakes, into the aromated water.

His plump, red mouth moved slowly, yet no words came out.

In response a set of pink, playful lips planted a kiss on Seokjin’s bare forehead. A kiss which was waiting to catch roots and bloom inside the other’s heart. Jin’s body was floating in a bed of calmness and pure existence. There was only one person who could take care of him like this. The blonde let his head fall backwards, facing his carer.

“Let’s get you out. I know you don’t want to come, but I was hoping you would join us for today’s concert,” Tae’s baritone voice came in low and smooth like a glass of aged scotch, coating all the syllables. Home.

Chapter Text

The concert venue was huge, they rehearsed together that morning but there was no guarantee after the strange afternoon they had that SeokJin will join them tonight. Taehyung gripped his mic, sighed and looked down. The lights went dark and the platform started mounting towards the stage. Thick smoke clouded their vision in the dark, the screams were becoming deafening. If it were any other day, his heart would continue to swell with ARMY love and cheers. Today, he was a bit… lost.

The boys were in formation, hearing the clock noises counting down. Suddenly they bathed in the light coming from above. Jimin stepped forwards with his head bent, with fluid motions he started doing the iconic, fractured dance.

“I want to breathe, I hate this night
I want to wake up, I hate this dream”

His voice was coming in like honey, glazing Taehyung’s emotions.

“I’m trapped inside of myself and I’m dead
Don’t wanna be lonely
Just wanna be yours.”

The words started getting more meaning than he wanted to hear.

Jungkook passed Jimin in a smooth dance movement.

“Why is it so dark where you’re not here
It’s dangerous how wrecked I am
Save me because I can’t get a grip on myself.”

Isn’t it so funny that such a highbeat song can be so heartbreaking? Tae swallowed and extended his arm out to the public, the other on his chest. His heart was heavier today, the lyrics were closer to his soul than they had ever been. His voice came in more broken than usual, the pain was audible.

“Listen to my heartbeat
It calls you whenever it wants to..”

He let his head down, waiting for Jimin to fill in Jin’s spot once more. But the voice never came. Instead, and angelic silky note reached his ears, tingling at the edges. His breath caught on his ribs, eyes coming up, searching for the source.

“Because within this pitch-black darkness
You are shining so brightly.”

Seokjin walked slowly from behind the scene into the limelight like an apparition. For the first time in weeks he wasn’t wearing a mask. If it weren’t for the intensified screams, he would have thought that he was dreaming. His hand reached towards him timidly. Time started trickling like molasse, as if signaling a new age.

“Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall”

Jin passed him, brushing against his side. The warmth was familiar, the smell of peonies still lingered on him. His hand reached behind, caressing Tae’s elbow before going in formation for the dance break.

“Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall..”

The whole first song, Tae couldn’t take his eyes off Jin. Actually, during the whole mini-concert he had to push himself from looking somewhere else. He came. Maybe…

His hands would brush lightly under the powerful spotlights. In between the songs, behind and under the stage, they would barely look at each other. A fear was growing in his guts. A doubt that this was a sign, a doubt that this was something more than Jin wanting to go back on stage.

The blonde model had to sit down during Fire, he wasn’t strong enough for so much physical strain. Yoongi would pass by playfully and smile at his hyung. Seokjin would smile in return, looking out into the crowd. Hundreds of people were cheering him on, happy to see him back on stage. Under the lights, with the blonde hair and that beautiful smile, he looked ethereal. His lips were a wine red, his teeth a pearly white that was shining brighter than the army bombs. Sweat drops gathered at his temples as he searched the crowd with his eyes. As if, in case he would die any second now, he would be able to remember everyone.

Seokjin stepped off stage before the concert was over. The exhaustion hit him fast. The rest of the boys were left behind to say their few ending notes to the fans.

“We are lucky tonight. Our Seokjin, our worldwide handsome was well enough to join us for a little while. Although he had to leave earlier due to him still being under rehabilitation, you could see on his face how much he missed you. Tonight, this was his gift for you.” Namjoon smiled happily at the screaming crowd. In the front row, a distinct purple umbrella was waving in the air.

“Tonight, love was found once more. Tonight, we learnt more about ourselves than we did in all the years we lived together. The success of all is through the effort and pain of all its members. We are so lucky to have you all by our side, giving us strength, giving us your love. When the day is done, even when it’s not sure, even when it may not be visible… We will always protect you, and you will always protect us. This is our promise to you. Our unspoken bond.”

~+~

Taehyung got into the dark room. As always, the door towards the balcony was open. He knew where he could find his roommate. With slow, steady steps he made his way to what was going to be one of the most serious conversations he would ever have with Jin. One that would help him figure out his future.

As if Seokjin was waiting for him, he waited for Tae to join him and lean in on the railing. They both stared out into the dark city. It became their second nature. To watch the same view in silence, hoping that the world could change their feelings, that the world can change its mind.

“Thank you for coming today, hyung.” The red-head was the first to break the silence. Seokjin just nodded slightly. For a second on the stage, Tae hoped that things had changed between them.

“I—I am sorry for your father.. The lunch and all. I stepped out of boundaries.”

Seokjin silently put his hand over Tae’s, his long fingers wrapping around his. Electricity shot up Taehyung’s arm, his heart beating fast at the gesture. He was tired of trying to figure out what they were and who they were. Maybe this whole mess was his part too. But he needed clearance.

“What am I to you, Taehyung-ah?” The beautiful man’s voice was low, making the night shake in truthness.

The air changed, or rather it was changed since this morning, but Tae only noticed it now. It felt as if it was charged with… he couldn’t put his finger on it. Because this whole day had been… different. As if they were stepping into uncharted territory. If change was a feeling it would feel like spreading icing on a cake. The way the knife pushes the sweet icing to cover the surface in a straight line, the scraping and leveling being just part of the new order. In Tae’s head that made sense. The air felt like icing on a cake. Like anticipating a breeze. You can feel the draw but you are on the brink of the breeze hitting you. He inhaled.

“Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have known how to answer your question. Maybe even today I don’t know. But I know how I feel about you. I know that since that winter night when I stayed with you while you were sick, I had to always wear you in my heart and take care of you. I know that when we had our first kiss, I realized that those are the only lips I ever want to have on mine. I know that when we fought and when I hurt you, my heart broke but the idea of being nothing to you hurt even more. I know that I want to show you how great you are all the time. I know that your wounds are my prayers being answered. I know that I love you, and I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” Two tears rand down his cheeks elegantly. He started biting on his lower lip, avoiding the avalanche of feelings behind his eyes.

“VV, we tried before why would it last now? Now that I am damaged... like torn silk. Beautifully unmendable. I don’t want to be your charity.” His gaze was glistening with unshed tears. His words were shaking in the chilly spring weather.

“You are not torn, you are not broken. You may not be perfect, but you are so beautiful inside and out. Shining so brilliantly.” His fingers intertwined with Jin’s. Tae was now fully facing the older, a smile of hope peeking at the edges of his mouth. He took out a small box which seemed worn out on the edges. A dark, celestial sky-blue.

“I love you too, V-ssi. But—I need time. I need time to process everything and to mentally recover from everything,” he squeezed gently the other’s hand, a warm gesture. Yet, his voice remained cold and serious. Putting up boundaries of respect.

“And I understand that. I will be there with you the whole time. I know I wasn’t before, but now I am. I want this. Even if you end up making up your mind differently, I will always be there for you. You carry us on your shoulders. I want to always be your support.” The long tanned fingers opened slowly the dark blue box revealing an interlocked bracelet and necklace. His slender hand snaked around the bracelet and wrapped it around his wrist.

“This, right here, is my promise, my unspoken bound to you.” Tae’s hand pressed gently into the other’s jaw. “You don’t have to wear yours. I will wear mine.”

~+~

Jin knocked lightly on the slightly open hotel room and pushed it aside. Yoongi was hunched over his computer while Hoseok was making the bed.

“Hey can I bother you with something?” 

“Ah, Jin-hyung! Already up?” Hobi smiled to his eldest, his cheeks were lightly dusted with a rosy colour.

“You already are bothering me, so might as well have a reason behind it,” the grey-haired hermit mumbled from behind the computer.

“It’s important... I promise.”

Yoongi rolled around in his chair and scoffed. “With you two it always is.” He nodded towards the piece of paper in the blonde’s hands. “What’s up?”

“I need your help, Yoongi.”

“I swear, what is it with this household that you all resort to me for real help,” his voice betrayed a bit of happiness and cockiness. The rapper loved helping his members when they would come to him. He felt loved, and welcomed. And, as much as he loved to relax, he loved his Bangtan family more. Even at their hardest points.

“Hyung, don’t be like that,” Hoseok said squeezing his shoulder empathetically.

“Ugh.. Okay fine. But I should start charging. I would be rich by now. I would be rapping just to flex at this point.”

“I think the time has come that you hang out with Jungkook less,” Hobi scrunched up his nose. He took his iced Americano and sat down on the couch scrolling through Twitter.

SeokJin looked down as if he forgot about the crumpled paper. It looked like a dry leaf, ready to drop to the ground any moment. “I need you to teach me a chorus... on the piano.”

“On... on my piano? On... Lucille? You want to touch my Lucile?”

Hoseok giggled looking up from his phone. Ah, Lucille. Yoongi’s travelling piano he had since their first tour. He loves her more than Holly, his dog, at times. The way he cleans her, and speaks with her after they finish a good song… This ought to be good.

“Again.. it is a bit uncomfortable to hear you call her that. But yes.. I know it’s a lot to ask, mainly after being nothing but a burden to the group. I know I was maybe also lacking as a friend at times. But I need your help this time. I will pay you back.” 

Yoongi’s eyes narrowed at the last phrases. He is joking right? He helped us be ... well us. Bangtan.

“Hyung, you were always a great friend and older brother. Sure, you are lacking at times but ... look at all of us. Look at me! We all lack. Don’t ever say you weren’t a great friend.”

Seokjin swallowed hard. “Does that mean yes?”

Yoongi grabs the paper between Jin’s long, manicured fingers. “Oh…” His eyes looked over the lyrics once more. “I see… Where did you get it?”

“I… umm found it because I heard it before.”

“You know for sure this is what you want?” The blonde, handsome young man just nodded. His eyes sparkled with hope and a twinkle of fear.

The grey-haired boy cleared his voice slightly. Coming back to his serious musician demeanor. “There’s no notes here,” he scolded.

“I know how to hum it. I think you can figure out the notes better than I can.”

“Alright let’s hear it.”

Maybe two weeks of continuous piano training after concerts for those 5 chords wasn’t enough. It sure felt like it for Jin. There were times when his fingers refused to listen to him. Times when Yoongi wanted to slap him over the hands for how badly he made Lucille sound whenever he struck a bad chord. But maybe two weeks was enough to put his message across. Maybe love doesn’t need words or music. Maybe just him being there will be enough.

“He sounds very good now. He improved so much.”

“You mean, I am a great teacher,” Yoongi leaned into Hobi’s shoulder as they were watching behind the scene. The golden-haired boy laughed loudly, squeezing the other’s sides playfully.

“He definitely is a great student. Ahhh the wonders that love can do.”

Hoseok snaked an arm under Yoongi’s chest, drawing him closer in the backhug. “Tae is coming soon, no?”

“Yes, SeJin promised to give him the letter as he would come in for rehearsal. Knowing Taehyung he got lost.”

“Or maybe, he is just reading the letter slowly on his way here.”

Taehyung’s hands were gripping the paper tightly. SeJin delivering a letter was odd to say the least. His knees were weak because he felt it in the pit of his stomach. It was about to happen. The breeze was finally coming. That change was building up. His fingers opened the paper quickly, his heart stopped the second he saw the writing. He would recognize that preposterous calligraphy anywhere.

Taehyung,

As you know I am bad with words. I am bad with expressing my emotions to the people I love and care about. Maybe it’s because I am a coward. It’s hard to explain what I feel, maybe it’s my skill. I apologize for that. I am using this opportunity to say to you what I wanted to say for 2 years now.

Sometimes when I look at you I realize that I could never put into words who you are for me. I couldn’t explain what I felt. Describing the warm feeling I get when our bodies are wrapped together in a hug as a fire that spreads in my chest and envelops me in a blanket of comfort and excitement seems so lackluster. Illustrating the energy that your eyes looking into mine as a firework show that burns at my fingertips and makes me fidgety is so cheesy. And explaining that you feel like home, whenever you take my hand is so overused. But you deserve to know, so, here it goes:

You are so beautiful to me. Not only physically, but your heart is what trapped me in your arms. You see the best side of me, even when I am at my worst. You soften the edge of the blade that I carry in my heart always with your support, your sweet words and smiles. You are such a child.  Your eyes sparkle with wonder at anything, and your heart remains open and receptive to all the people around you.

You are the most talented person I know. You could pick up any form of art and master it in a second. You pour your soul in it, and then keep them all hidden from the world because you are afraid. But you show it to the people you trust because for you those are all therapy. The universe speaks through you, my love. I can hear it in your soulful voice, I can read it in the sensitive poems you write, and I can see it in the drawings you make. Every stroke, every note and every vowel is cast in holy gold.

You are all those things because you could never hide your feelings- always on your sleeve, always an itch under your skin. That’s what I love most about you. You are yourself (your mom’s Kim Taehyung, Jimin’s TaeTae, my V-ssi) no matter what. So unapologetic. I know this is your biggest  flaw too. You feel so alone in a world that covers themselves up in expensive silky scarves, the truth fading underneath. They do it out of fear, they do it out of ignorance, they do it because they are flawed.

You found me under the heavy silk that was covering my heart. You found me on that December night, you found me again this February. You could’ve carved me out, or even left me there to suffocate in my own lies. But your gentle, naive soul that I love so much could never do that. You found the light in me that I thought I never had. They say love leaves a mark, but I think love fits in your heart like a glove finding its owner. The part of me that’s you will never die.

I am thankful for all our trials, for all the fights we had, for everything that tore us down. It only molded us to where we are now. I am still lacking, I am still growing, I am still learning. But maybe the man in front of you is enough for now.

Taehyung set the paper down only to see Seokjin sitting on the stage at a piano playing the same 3 notes gently over and over again. His fingers slid across the white tiles so flawlessly. With closed eyes, his baby angel starts singing a song Taehyung wrote months ago. The song he hummed to himself many times when he missed Seokjin. The song he hummed and sang lowly to Jin a couple of weeks ago.

 A slow ballad version, full of emotion flowed in the empty concert hall.

“Like a small piece of snow
That floats up in the air
If that was me maybe I could
Reach out to you faster.”

The emotion in his voice made Taehyung tremble with anticipation. He was mesmerized by the young man who was so flawlessly perfect singing his song.

“Yet those snowflakes are falling
Just like us, getting farther away
I miss you (I miss you)
I miss you so (I miss you so)
How many days do I have to wait?
How many nights will I stay awake?
Until I can see you again? (until I can see you again?)
Until I can meet you again? (until I can meet you again?)

At the end of this cold winter
Until the spring will come again
Until the flowers will bloom again
I’ll be with you, wait for me there
Wait for me there…”

Taehyung felt tears choke him up as he watched his lover play. He never made proper music for the lyrics. Somehow Seokjin’s version made it so intimate. He could see now why Jin chose this hidden song. Although he felt it was a heartbreaking one, the older added the last verses to make it hopeful. It was not a broken goodbye. It was a fighting song they shared in their hearts the whole time they were apart.

With quick steps, Taehyung reached the piano and took Jin’s hand in his. The interlocked necklace was hanging elegantly at the other’s neck. A feeling of arrival, of relief, washed over the red-head. Seokjin smiled and wiped his tears. Full lips kissed his cheeks and caressed his hand. Taehyung blushed in an electrifying red, his hands reaching to cup Jin’s face.

“I love you so much, my silky prince.”

“VV, never leave me again.”

Like many mysteries, love blooms in the middle of the night. When you least expect it, when you don’t want it, when you feel you don’t deserve it. Love will find a way to comfort you, to better you, to give you time. Love is patient, and one day it will come to you and decide to stay.

Chapter Text

EPILOGUE

[6:10]

The morning light was bathing the two in a thin layer of glowing silk. Raven hairs were spread on the pillow almost like a halo. A pair of rosy lips were pressed together in a permanent, ethereal purse. Two overly-arched black eyebrows were resting in an unanswered question on his forehead. His eyes were as gentle as ever, both hands under his head, coddling it. Seokjin always looked like an angel carved from the finest marble when he was asleep. His scar was trailing on his cheek like a thunder trying to reach his lips. With a long and thin finger Taehyung traced it gently. The soft skin underneath caressed him back with warmth.

A nostalgic, featherly smile bloomed shyly on Tae’s face. His long lashes fluttered lazily as his gaze lowered onto Seokjin’s body. He liked sleeping shirtless because he liked feeling Taehyung on his skin, in his hugs, in his heart. His torso was always a masterpiece to look at. It was so clearly made to be Taehyung’s shelter when he was scared, when he felt alone, when he felt weak and when he needed love. I wish we would’ve realized sooner where we were. Where we were standing and how we could get here faster. Sometimes I wish we had millions of years together.

The same finger, he stretched out and traced the bigger scars Jin had on his ribcage. The skin was smooth and silky. He watched in awe as tiny goosebumps and hairs stood up where his cold finger left a trace. He had kissed those scars thousands of times and he will kiss them millions more. They were his second favourite feature of his silky prince. The first one were his broad shoulders that guarded him from sadness and offered him the support he needed when he stumbled in life. He watched his lover breathe in and out slowly as if time was trickling lazily, like a leaky faucet, barely reaching the tip and slowly falling over the edge.

He smiled at himself as he rested his chin on top of his forearms on the pillow. He looked like a puppy, happy to be home, happy to be loved. His fluffy black hair cascaded to one side as he tilted his head. The tip of his index finger ghosted Seokjin’s nose bridge. He always wondered how he could look so childish but be so mature. His baby round-buttoned nose and that one bump just before its tip made Taehyung want to pepper it with tiny kisses. He always felt something for Jin. Maybe before he didn’t realize what it was he felt because it came so naturally. Lately, though, he had been more and more confident that even if the world was ending, even if he died, even in the next life… it was always his silky prince by his side.

Maybe I am selfish and I don’t want to share you with the world. There are so many times I just want to get lost with you in a foreign place where no one knows our name. Forget about time, forget about others, forget that besides you and me in this cosmos others exist. But I will humbly bow my head and be thankful. Thankful that I have you now, thankful that I have those moments.

It felt as if he was stealing a second of heaven. A stolen moment of perfection. One he could play as many times as he wanted in his heart. One that would be neatly rolled up and stored in a jar inside his soul next to many others to come. His life would become a collection of stolen glimpses of perfection, of eternal bliss, and he had his peacefully resting baby angel to thank for that.

 ~+~

[5:45]

Hoseok stretched lazily as Yoongi cuddled face-first into his chest.

“Mmdownt,” a muffled, raspy voice came out from beneath him, making his chest vibrate. He smiled fondly to himself and pet the other’s ruffled hair gently.

“What is it?”

Yoongi tilted his face, coming out for air slightly. He looked like an unironed bedsheet, patterns from the pillow and heavy sleep marking his face. Maybe Hoseok felt his heart swell slightly. “Don’t, Hoseokah.”

Hobi let out a tiny giggle. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t get out of bed. Don’t make me get out of bed,” he mumbled all in one pout which made him look a million times cuter. The long bangs were covering his eyes and contrasting dramatically with his pale, ivory skin. Hoseok brushed the hairs, like a curtain showing the main attraction. Yoongi’s eyes were always his happy place. They were the most beautiful creation the universe has ever made, Hobi could swear to it. There was nothing even close competing with it. He took in a deep breath and ran a hand through his own hair.

“We promised to help with breakfast. Plus, this is the third time this week only that we slept in the studio because ‘you helped me with my mixtape’.”

“So?” he said turning over, almost falling off the sofa. Hoseok caught him with one arm, pulling him in. “So, what we slept in the studio? Is it illegal for people to be working hard? Last time I checked—”

“Namjoon is starting to get a tiny bit suspicious. I am not going to lie to him out of everybody.”

Yoongi pulled the covers off himself and straddled his partner. His milky white thighs contrasted beautifully with Hoseok’s honey ones. “Listen. Namjoonah and I have been living together for more than 7 years. He knows me inside and out. Plus, he knows I’ve been pining over you secretly even when I didn’t know it. He had been asking me about you since he found out I was gay.”

A heart-shaped smirk came out of Hobi who was now gently and fondly caressing the other’s smooth thighs. “Finally, then. The truth comes out. You had been obsessed with me for the longest time. Awww, Min YoonGi, tell me sincerely: how many times have you fantasized about me?”

“Pshhh, I did NOT fantasize about you.” He flicked the other gently as he leaned closer to his face. “And even if I did, it was never voluntary, dreams then don’t count.” He clicked his tongue and planted a kiss on the other’s forehead.

“They most definitely DO. Based on dreams alone I came onto you. I swear to god, it came a period where I almost called the priest to exorcise me because I thought you possessed me or something.”

Yoongi pinched the other’s cheeks smiling from the bottom of his heart. His hand trailed slowly his lover’s heart-shaped smile and stopped at his chin. There were a million words that he wasn’t ready to say to his pineapple boyfriend. Instead, his eyes glittered with infinite adoration and gave Hobi another peck. It slowly transformed in more than just one kiss, but in a full blown make over session. Lately, they could barely keep their hands to themselves. But none of them was complaining.

Their mouths were dancing their own mating ritual, teeth scraping and pulling at bottom lips. Hands started roaming for the touch of tender skin, grabbing at hips and inner thighs. There was a burning desire inside their souls to devour each other’s love, to consume each other. Maybe it was fueled by the fear that this too shall pass one day. But right now, what mattered was that they were able to share each other.

Their kisses slowed down  when Hoseok pulled away, looking amused at Yoongi.

“Why? Whhy? Why are you laughing? What is so funny?” he asked in a low fake-upset tone, trademark to our Yoongi.

The heart-shaped smile got bigger. “Earlier when you were looking at me with big puppy eyes before we kissed it reminded me of that they we spent at the park with Mickey and I whistled after him to come back. You were so shocked I could whistle that we spent 3 hrs trying to teach you how to do it.”

“And I still don’t know how to do it. Meaning you are a terrible teacher.”

Hoseok started shaking with laughter and leaned on one side trying to stabilize himself. “I still can’t believe you never learnt how to whistle when you were a kid.” He continued his phrase through laughter and tears, “I just imagine a small Yoongi pouting in the corner of the playground because no one showed you how to do it and you were the only one left out.” He tried wiping away tears as he was laughing whole-heartedly at this point.

“Aaaaaaand you ruined the mood because that’s exactly what happened,” he said and pushed Hoseok off the couch, onto the floor. “Grab your shit and hit the shower we need to go,” he said getting up.

Hobi was wiping his last tear, while trying to calm his redness down. “For what is worth, I would have showed you how to whistle. Look. Listen. Crash-course right now.” With a swift hand he spun Yoongi on his heels to face him.

“Pout your lips like this,” he pointed at his pursed lips while watching his hyung closely. The pineapple scent was more potent right now than ever for some reason. Yoongi rolled his eyes and followed suit.

“And you blow air through it while making a small vessel in the middle of your tongue. Like this.” A high-pitched sound came out of Hoseok resembling a boiling tea kettle.

Yoongi wet his lips by running his tongue swiftly, then pursed them. As he blew air slowly through the small o he formed with his mouth, Hobi leaned in and kissed him applying pressure to his lips. It was warm and full of feelings, just deeply endearing. Yoongi was not sure if it was him or the kiss, but he could swear that he could hear a faint whistle in his ears.

~+~

[6:20]

Jimin was sleepily brushing his teeth in the small bathroom which was attached to bedroom he shared with Hoseok and Jungkook. Foam and little white bubbles were covering his plum lips, as his hand was working over in circles. His eyes were closed, his blonde hair was sticking up in the front and his shirt was buttoned all wrong. He was softer than a sunny side up egg. His full cheeks were reminiscent of a Uncle Tetsu cheesecake – white, plump and full.

Warm hands rose from behind him, caressing his side in circular motions. “Our little Jiminssi. So sleepy this morning, so soft.” Jungkook giggled from behind him.

One eye opened, fixing Kook. The corners of his lips rose a little lazily, still laced in sleep. Jungkook started playing with his fingers on Jimin’s ribcage as if he was his personal accordion. The blonde boy was slowly reacting to the playful tickles, small jumps, small kicks and spins. Finally he dropped the toothbrush in the sink and grabbed at Jungkook’s hands while a huge grin was splattered on his face. He could barely hold in the giggles and the chuckles that were bubbling up inside him like an agitated can of Coke. The taller kept teasing him and tickling, digging his fingers deeper while snickering maliciously.

“Wakey, wakey Jiminssi!” he bursted out in laughter when he saw that Jimin had toothpaste smeared all over his face from the struggle. While he was busy holding onto his stomach like a hurt patient on the verge of spilling his guts, Jimin smiled brighter than anything.

He didn’t know what it was but the way Jungkook crinkled his nose when he laughed, the way he frowned like an evil villain and his eyes became crescents. It had his breath in a tight not inside his heart. The world moved slower, life was easier when he saw him laugh with his whole heart. It made him happy to see him happy.

Jimin reached for the toothpaste tube and spread some on his finger only to smear it on Jungkook’s upper lip. A blueish mustache appeared under his nose and it only made him laugh harder, grabbing at Jimin’s waist.

The air was warm, their breath was a rainbow of sorts. The giggles and cheers roared silently in the bathroom. Like honey glazing a donut, lazily coating it exterior and trickling down to the sides, the time seemed to slow down a bit more. The white glow of the morning sun was making their hair sparkle every time they would move in their wrestling moves. Hands clutching at the other, pajamas getting pulled and dishevelled, soft moans and yelps were escaping their mouths. They were both had two flowers blossoming on their cheeks as their heart was beating to the same rhythm. Jimin squeezed his eyes shut tightly and grinned as Jungkook picked him up with a devilish smile on his face.

If time stopped that second, maybe he wouldn’t have minded it. If it all ended right then and there, maybe he would not have fought it. The second Jungkook flipped him in the air, the second where he was airborne, his friend’s laughter in the background, he felt it as he did many times before. The promise they made that night, the string of fate that bound their souls together tugged at his heart.

~+~

[6:30]

 “Good morning, you horndogs,” Jimin whispered under his breath to Hoseok as the older was setting the table. “I am shocked that you two still know where we live anymore. All you do is stay locked up in Yoongi’s studio doing god knows what in that tiny closet.”

Before Hobi could say anything or reprimand his roommate, the pouty rapper cut in. “I’ll have you know that I have come out of the closet a long time ago. Also, my studio has passwords and cameras so if you would like to see what is going on in there speak with the administrator you Peeping Tom.”

“You are the administrator…” Jimin rolled his eyes as Jungkook climbed him onto one of the highchairs to reach the tabletop bar.

“Huh… I guess you will never know what our creative juices do in the studio,” he shrugged as he poured more batter in the waffle maker.

“Children, please keep it under 18+. This is a family show not your Busan bathhouse.” Jin strutted in with a smile on his lips and grabbed a cup of coffee. Namjoon chuckled to the remark as he sipped some of the magical, brown potion. His thumb was scrolling down his phone reading a long article.

“Our Yoongichi is looking fuller and healthier by the second. That is all that matters, Jiminie.” Tae pinched his hyung’s cheeks pulling at them in fondness as to display the extra healthy fat that got attached to Yoongi. Jimin snickered at Tae’s love attack and the other’s shy, flustered smile. Hoseok smiled fondly and piled some more waffles onto the plates and spread them across the table.

Jungkook reached over the table with a sly smile plastered on and dipped a finger in the melted chocolate only to dip it in his mouth right after. Jimin started giggling and hit him softly with a sweater paw.

“Jungkookah, next time you dip your finger in that sauce you may not come out with it.” Jin said while still with his back turned at the two. The maknaes look at each other bewildered and settled down in whispers.

“You should stop freaking them out with your mother-in-law tricks,” Yoongi joked as he sat at the table with a glass of juice.

“Yaaaah! Mother-in-law tricks?! Just because I have eyes at the back of my neck doesn’t make me a monster,” Jin started laughing to himself.

“Someone woke up with a strong personality and a happy mindset today,” Hoseok noted as he pulled Namjoon to the table.

“Maybe Taehyung finally decided that they should move in to the same room and stop hogging my bed instead,” Yoongi pouted as he stuffed his mouth with a pineapple waffle. Jin did not pay them any mind, instead he was putting some leftover chicken breast over his waffle and some leftover sauce. Jungkook was now completely captured by the creation together with Jimin.

“You are not even in the room anymore. All you do is spend time with Hoseok everywhere you go. Seriously you smell like pineapple 24/7 it’s starting to get really hard to stomach,” Tae spoke with a pouty mouth while holding his fork up like a 5 year old ready to fight.

“Yaaah—do you want to die on Christmas?” Yoongi threatened.

Namjoon pat down the older’s arm, calming him down. “Hyung, you and Hoseok have been doing a great job on the last rap songs, your dedication really shows. I am sure the mixtape will be something to look forward to.” His dimples bloomed at the corner of his mouth, Hobi matched his silently.

“How is she?” he pointed at Joon’s phone.

Namjoon smiled even brighter, his heart becoming brave. “She won a prize for her thesis. She is doing so well at university. There is no doubt that she will become a great biomedical scientist any day now. She is happy…” he looks down at the phone. A brunette woman is holding a diploma close to her chest smiling brightly. A set of dimples dotted the ends of it. Her eyes were big and sparkly, yet sharp like a knife. “I am happy too… I am proud of her.”

Jimin switched from watching Jungkook and Jin fight over the last piece of spicy chicken waffle to seeing Namjoon smiling nostalgically at his phone. He let her go, he was free. Most importantly, he was happy. The two lock eyes, like a secret shared in night, they just smile and go back to eating.

“Everyone eat up! We need to rehearse some dances before our Christmas Special VLive tonight. Everyone knows their part of the show for tonight too, right?” Hoseok asked in his business tone. He was always so good at gathering everyone and setting them in the right direction. Yoongi found himself staring.

Taehyung squeezed Jin’s hand under the table affectionately before letting it go and going back to eating. “Yes yes as always,” he nodded. Jin let his hand rest on his lover’s knee. The need for closeness was something that will always draw them together. “You are going to yell at us anyway,” Jin added jokingly and Hobi shot him a look.

Jimin wiped some chocolate sauce off Namjoon’s face who was now laughing at Jungkook’s English. They were indeed a loud bunch. The giggles and banter came so natural for them, on camera and off. Joon looked fondly around the table, a fire in his heart burning ferociously. He knew on that spot that those boys have forever marked his soul. He enjoyed seeing them beam so brightly today. Maybe it was the good weather and the faint snow, maybe it was the magic of Christmas or maybe it was just a sign for a change of pace. Whatever it was, it was licking at their bones, making them at ease, nurturing their hearts, answering the one question they had been asking all along.

What is happiness? Is it waking up in somebody’s arms on a cold winter day? Is it sharing a secret love that gives you light when you are in the dark? Or is it the peace you find in someone’s laughter?

Does it have an expiration date? Does it last forever?

Whenever you find happiness, it will always be a mirror of yourself. It will last for as long for as long as you love yourself.