Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hanschen really hated not being to tell anyone about his little rendezvous but it was necessary. He'd seen the way Wendla and his other friends had reacted when he mentioned things like being gay. Wendla was a sweetheart, she was, and so was Martha and Thea and everyone else but their faces when he said gay shattered his heart. So he kept it a secret, not only from them but from himself too for a while

It took three years. Three years of constantly questioning why his heart flipped when Moritz touched his hand. Three years of constantly second guessing what he said or what he did because he didn't want to see gay. Three years of looking in the mirror and crying to himself night after night, telling himself he was straight, that he was right. Three years for him to stand in front of that same mirror and whisper to himself " I like boys" before breaking down sobbing but instead of it being from sadness, it was from a place of pure unadulterated happiness.

From then on, he promised that he would live his true life no matter what, just without the others finding out. He got on every dating site he could think of and then more. He wore clothing that were a lot more promiscuous but not too suspicious; a bit tighter here and there to show off what he was working with. Dating sites became dates, one night stands and casual fuck buddies, nothing real, nothing to hold on to so no one would catch on.

But Hanschen underestimated how much Wendla specifically paid attention to him. Everything came crashing down when suddenly, during a day of the two of them lounging in his living room she said" I know what you've been doing, sneaking out of parties and cancelling dinners. How could you Hansi?" His first thought was that he had to apologize to her for lying to her face every single time he said there was a family emergency when he was really just going for a quick fuck. His second thought was how the hell she had found out. He had worked so hard to never let anyone catch him, even watching hours upon hours of videos teaching him how to apply his foundation in a way to cover up hickies. His third thought, well, his third thought was that he was fucked. He expected Wendla to scream at him. To call him out for lying to all his friends and for playing these games for so long.

What he did not expect, however, was a crying Wendla to run into his arms and hit his chest gently and say " The drugs, Hansi, I know about the drugs. You don't have to hide it anymore". Hanschen was confused to say the least. Drugs? She thought he was on drugs? Hanschen Rilow, the boy who didn't know how to hold a cigarette correctly, on drugs. He almost laughed out loud at the audacity of it.

Then he thought about it.

It was an out, wasn't it? If he told Wendla, sweet little old Christian Wendla the truth about why he was sneaking out, it would shatter her heart to know that he was going against everything they were taught in school. The drug story, it was an out of having to tell her what really happened when he left the house every time his phone dinged.

So he played along.

It took all of his bodily power to will himself to cry, to sob onto Wendla's shoulder and tell her that it was all true. That he had been doing drugs when he left all these social events and that he was sorry if he hurt her or any of the people in the group and she rubbed his back gently. Then she asked why he did it and he blanked. He couldn't think of a story that quickly so he went with what he planned to say to his parents when or if he ever came out. " I-I do it because it frees me. Because...because it's like I'm finally living my real life when I shoot up or snort or take whatever it is I'm taking. I do it because without that part of me, I don't feel like Hanschen Rilow, I feel like an impostor."

Wendla listened to him and cuddled him on the couch, telling him that it was okay, that everything he felt was valid but there were better ways to deal with it. He nodded along to what she said because he wasn't going to argue it, she was right. Make-believe junkie Hanschen needed to listen to Wendla and so he did. And then she said something that Hanschen would not like " Im making you go to an A.A. meeting, Hansi. It's for your own good"
~~~~~~~
" Yeah, and now I'm here" Hanschen said and he took a sip of his coffee. He had ommited all the gay details out of the story, of course, as he didn't want to get killed today but otherwise he told the story exactly as it goes. As he stepped down from the podium, he met eyes with a short brunette boy sitting a few rows back who looked so hurt by his story so Hanschen gave him a small smile and when the boy returned it, Hanschen knew he had to talk to him. He walked over and softly, hardly audibly the boy said " Hi, I'm Ernst"

Chapter Text

"So what about you, Ernst?" Hanschen said as he sat down next to him and immediately noticed that the boy was paying very close attention to his lips. Ernst seemed to notice he was staring too and he blushed, talking and moving his hands at the same time "I'm sorry, I’m not…..I’m hard of hearing. I can hear you it’s just easier to understand if I see your lips moving, I’m sorry” he rambled and Hanschen chuckled, putting a hand on the boys hands and signed ‘It’s okay, truly. My sister is deaf, I know sign’. Ernst lit up and smiled at Hanschen but immediately got looks so he slumped back down to how he was sitting. “ You asked what about me? I...my story isn’t anything special, you know”, Ernst said in a soft voice. That earned an eye roll from the other boy who just chuckled “Neither was mine, now come on, tell me what landed you here”. Ernst hesitated and Hanschen softly said “Please”, and Ernst gave in.

“Okay”
~~~~~~~~

When Ernst was born, his parents swore they were blessed with the best child in the entire world. He didn’t cry, never really cried and didn’t bother them much even when they were at home. Never woke up in the middle of the night, never drew on the walls, was always out and about, playing with the other kids. He was an actual angel. He loved exploring the most, which is why it was odd to his parents when suddenly he stopped.

Ernst hadn’t told anyone about the boy who he met in the woods, it was his own personal thing. It’s why he went to go play outside so much even when he got toys and a laptop, he wanted to see the boy in the woods. His name, he learned, was Georg Zirschnitz. Georg was always there to play with him, and eventually he realized that the fluttery feeling in his chest was the same feeling he got when little Melitta Rilow held his hand in the playground. He liked Georg as more than a friend, and he was so scared.

During one of their playdates, laying next to each other on the wet grass, Georg turned and kissed Ernst cheek and then flushed. Ernst laid frozen and neither said anything for a moment and then Georg spoke up “ I’m sorry, I just...I read the signs wrong. I thought maybe you liked me too and I’ve been crushing on you for a long while and I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable and-”. He was cut off by Ernst giggling at his words which caused him to pout “ Hey, what’s the matter? Why are you laughing?”. Ernst sat up and, in a moment of courage, pressed a kiss to Georg’s mouth and smiled “ You didn’t read anything wrong. I do like you, silly”

They would meet up in secret for the months to come, seeing each other at school and in the woods behind his house, talking and kissing and never really going past ending up shirtless and breathless between trees in the dead of night. Sometimes, Ernst would forget to go back home and apparently Georg would too because they would fall asleep in the woods, entangled together on the soft grass

Which is why it broke Ernst so much when Georg said he had to go. He was moving away with his dad while his mom got her life together. They’d talked about Georg’s mother but Ernst never thought it was so bad that he’d have to lose him. They held each other for what seemed like forever before Georg left and Ernst never saw him again.

That was truly his awakening to everything. He realized that while he had liked girls in the past, he liked boys so much more than that. Everything felt robotic with girls, like he had to plan out what he had to do to make himself likable to them but with Georg, he felt free. He realized, after a while, that these feelings weren’t just because of Georg. Other boys came into his life and he fell for them too, just never acted on it. That was until Otto Lammermeier.

Otto was a quiet new kid, Ernst never really saw him talk to anyone or really do anything in the school besides his assigned classes. To him it made sense, he had come in halfway through junior year and by that point in their high school careers they all had their assigned ‘cliques’. He felt bad for Otto, truly, because no one had made an effort to find out anything about him. So when he saw him walking down the hall one day during their free period, he thought he would try to make nice conversation with him. He walked in front of him and said “ Hi, I’m Ernst Robel. I’ve seen you around and you always seem so alone and I just wanted to see if you wanted someone to sit with in lunch?”. The boy just stared and then signed ‘I’m deaf, I’m sorry’. Ernst smiled and signed what he said again and Otto smiled wide and nodded.

They hit it off great after that, Otto reminding Ernst of Georg in so many ways. They both had the same smile that could melt a million girls hearts, they had those pretty eyes that he loved to stare at and draw in his free time. He was his new Georg, but he was his own special person to Ernst too. Immediately they became really close friends, spending almost every waking hour with each other and soon Ernst started to feel more than just friendly towards Otto. When Otto laughed at his jokes he would blush and look away, when Otto signed something for only him to see he smiled wider than ever. Eventually it got too much and one day, during another breakdown thinking about Otto, Ernst decided to just tell him. He pulled out his phone and quickly texted Otto.

‘ Dear Otto, this sounds so formal when I write it like this but I didn’t know how else to start. I'm rambling now. Anyways, Otto, I wanted to tell you that I think you’re very pretty and very talented and just so amazing at everything and I think I like you. Like….I’m falling in love with you. And I don’t want our friendship to fall apart, because I like you very much and your company is so wonderful. I’m sorry I keep rambling, Ottie but I like you, a lot.’

He didn’t get a response for a few hours which scared him as he knew that Otto was always on his phone, checking to see any recent drama or whatever. His panicking wasn’t calmed at all when he saw that he had posted just a minute before, meaning that along with seeing the message, he was ignoring him.

It was late at night when Ernst heard the distinctive text noise he had given Otto from his bed. Immediately he turned over in bed and grabbed his phone, holding it close to his chest but not looking at it. He’d realized recently that he did this a lot, keeping himself from seeing things that gave him any kind of anxiety. Melchior had pointed it out to him when he’d run into him and Georg in the forest getting at it. They weren’t anything past shirts when Ernst heard someone say “ Oh my god” and he looked to find Melchior and then shut his eyes. No matter how much Melchi assured him it was okay, he wouldn’t open his eyes for a fear of losing Melchi or worse, Georg.

Sure, Ernst thinking about how he ignored things he was anxious about while ignoring something he was anxious about was not smart, but he knew it would take the edge off when Otto told him he hated him or whatever was about to happen when he looked at his. He kept holding it to his chest and slowly, his anxiety ebbed out and he pulled the phone from his chest and unlocked it. He didn’t go to his messages with Otto, though. Immediately, he texted Ilse to tell her everything that had happened up until that point, half on the verge of crying. Ilse immediately called him and consoled him, telling him that everything would be okay and that him and Otto were so close, there was no way he ruined their friendship. She stayed on the phone with him for a while until he was calm and he thanked her and hung up.

His heart was racing but after that call with Ilse, there was no way he was getting away with not looking at the text so after a few minutes deliberation he opened it and stared at the words on the screen until they became blurry and he was sure he knew them by heart if he tried hard enough.

‘ Ernie….please, please tell me you haven’t been stressing this so much. There’s no way anything could ruin our friendship could ever be ruined by something so trivial, you’re the only person in this whole school I trust and I...I think I like you too. So don’t you worry about things like that Ernie because we’re in the same boat and I think it would be really cool if you would go on a date with me?’

He screenshotted it and sent it to Ilse who absolutely freaked out and told him she was coming over in about five minutes and Ernst was in such a shock he didn’t even argue her for a second, just told her to come in the back door. Within a few minutes, there was a knock and his mom opened and Ilse walked in with a huge smile on her face and flopped onto Ernst’s lap and smiled. “ Kid, why do you look so scared? He asked you out!” she said happily and poked his stomach which elicited a little giggle from Ernst but he just shook his head

“ What if he’s playing a prank?” he said after a long time of Ilse just talking “ What if he doesn’t really like me and he’s just trying to push it as far as it goes so he can make fun of me later on? I haven’t known Ottie that long and I’m-”. He was cut of by a laugh and Ilse hitting his thigh and letting out between fits of laughter “ You’re so stupid, Nest. Why...why would little Ottie Lammermier ever want to make fun of you? You’re basically his only friend in this whole school, he can’t really talk to anyone else besides us two, Melchi and Ritz and he hasn’t met two out of four of those people. Honestly, Nest, sometimes you’re too sweet for your own good”. She pinched his cheek gently and kissed his forehead. Ernst sighed and handed Ilse his phone and dropped his head in shame “ Text him for me?”

Ilse immediately took her chance and crafted out the most eloquent sounding message that Ernst had read. He hardly understood what it said besides the fact that she had accepted the date for him, which truly is all he cared about since it was the one thing plaguing his mind. Even as Ilse said her goodbye and left, all he could think about was the fact that Otto liked him too and they were gonna go out together. He swore it had to be a dream.
~~~

“ So you’re here because you got someone to date you? Really, Ernst?” Hanschen laughed which caused Ernst to chuckle too. Ernst had cut out the guy part too, or was trying his hardest too but it was very difficult to not say Ottie or Otto or whatever his heart felt like saying in the heat of such a personal story for him, one he only told to people he really trusted. It confused him as to why he was telling it to Hanschen but something about him made him feel...safe, almost. “ I didn’t….I didn’t start shooting up heroin because someone wanted to date me. Let me finish telling my story.” Hanschen smiled and tapped his hand, signing while speaking “ Let me take you for a coffee?”

Ernst was dumbfounded to say the least. A pretty boy was asking him out for coffee, well, he wasn’t asking him out, he was taking him for coffee and his heart was racing. He blushed and covered his face and nodded “ Yeah, okay, let’s go”

They went to a little dinky coffee shop near the meeting place and sat in a cute little corner booth where they were sure they wouldn’t be found and ordered quickly before Hanschen turned to Ernst and waved to get his attention “ So, you and this mystery person who asked you out, what happened then?” Ernst laughed “ Well...I remember it was Halloween”

~~~
Ernst giggled as he fell onto Otto’s lap “Oh my god, you fiend!” he signed and poked the boy’s stomach, “You’re literally not wearing any clothes, this is an abomination and I will not have my boyfriend wear such a sinful thing on our nice night out!”. Otto laughed and Ernst shook his head at him disappointedly, which earned a louder laugh from Otto. He moved his hand from under Ernst and signed “ You said you wanted me to try on the new costume”, which earned him a soft hit to his thigh and Ernst signing “ I thought it was gonna be like a cute dress or something, not this abomination of a nurse’s outfit”. Otto shook his head, stood and strutted, which in turn caused Ernst to just stop and cover his eyes. “ Keep it PG for the kids in the room, Ottie”, Ernst muttered and pulled him onto his lap. When he leaned to give Otto a kiss, thought, he gently pushed him away and shook his head.

Ernst was a little shocked to say the least. Otto was always really affectionate, never turned down a gentle peck or kiss before so it felt more like a shock to his system than a rejection. He just stared at Otto and Otto just stared back, almost in shock of what he’d done himself and cracked a small smile, quickly signing ‘ Sorry, I’m sick, I don’t want you to get sick, darling’. And Ernst believed him, although even he couldn’t trick his mind into unseeing the little bit of disgust that laced Otto’s features when he had leaned in to kiss him.

All their dates after were like this.Slowly at first, Otto wouldn’t want to kiss Ernst, then it was no holding hands, then no hugs,and then nothing. Otto would hardly touch Ernst unprompted and when he did it felt forced on either end. Ernst was still trying though because he hadn’t fallen out of love with the boy with the pretty eyes who loved the ocean and one day planned to be a sailor. He couldn’t fall out of love with him, they were friends and he was truly, deeply in love with this boy. So he would continue to push their relationship until his birthday.

Ernst hadn’t heard from Otto in a while which was odd for them. At the start of their relationship, hell, through all their friendship, they had texted each other every day. Even when Otto became more distant physically, he would still text Ernst silly pictures he’d taken of him or what he did that day or asked Ernst things so this new shift in his behavior really scared him. And it all came crashing down when the Rilow twins came up to him suddenly in the middle of lunch and gave him a little letter and along with that, a pitiful look and somehow, an even more pitiful hug.

He couldn’t bring himself to open it no matter how hard he tried to tell himself it was nothing bad. He’d seen Otto that day so he wasn’t hurt, and Georg hadn’t written in years so it wasn’t that, so whatever was in that letter was certainly going to be something either way better or severely worse. The universe, as it has it, decided to go for the worst thing possibly imaginable. Otto Lammermeier had broken up with Ernst on his birthday.
~~~

“Wait a minute, the Rilow twins? As in Thea and Melitta Rilow?” Hanschen said and a big grin spread across his face. Ernst furrowed his eyebrows and softly said “ Yes?” and then Hanschen started to giggle. After his giggle fit, he said“ My name….my name is Hanschen Rilow. Thea and Melitta are my little sisters”. Ernst is sure his face must have contorted into a face of pure horror because Hanschen looked scared “ Oh my god, no, no, I promise you that they never talked about you or anything. Melitta and Thea weren’t exactly fond of little Hans Rilow.” And now it was Ernst’s turn to laugh “ You’re little Hansi...oh my goodness”

They went on for a while like that Ernst telling Hanschen the sides of stories that his sisters never told him and Hans telling him everything about his sisters. They were laughing, having an overall good time when Hans gently bumped their shoulders together and smiled “ So….you got broken up with by letter? Is that what sent you off into your addiction?”. Ernst laughed and shook his head “No...no I wish that was why...that would be so much better than what actually happened. It was….the day after Christmas if I remember correctly and life was...trash”
~~~

On Christmas day, Ernst had reached his breaking point. Otto wasn’t his, his friends were treating him like a baby and Otto was acting like they were still fine. When his parents started being all baby-ish with him on Christmas, he decided that was it. He didn’t have anything else to live for, not even Otto anymore. He knew his parents would be out the next night so he planned accordingly. Looked for a collection of pills, made sure that the alcohol cabinet was unlocked, everything to make the next night his last.

His plan went accordingly, his parents left and he was left home at his own accord. He wrote the letter out quickly, not putting much thought into it, thinking no one would care anyways so it would have been fine. He took a full bottle of xanax and swigged down whatever bottle he could find first in his parents liquor cabinet and immediately he felt sick to his stomach. He stumbled to his bed and laid down, looking up at his ceiling as his vision got fuzzy and his hearing started ebbing out, but he swore he heard his front door click open. He mumbled something and then he heard a gasp and saw someone hovering over him, talking to him and then he blacked out.

When he woke up again, the first thing he noticed was that he was holding hands with someone and their hands were really cold and clammy somehow. He squeezed their hand and the other person gasped and...oh, it was Otto.

He pulled his hand away immediately and opened his eyes and looked around the too bright room and met eyes with Otto’s brownish blue eyes which looked terrified. He felt his arms wrap around him and he somehow felt disgusted but compelled to hug back. “Where am I?” Ernst’s croaky voice said and Otto smiled “ Hi, Ernie. You’re at the hospital, you...you took a lot of pills and I found you. God, you’re okay, oh my god, I thought you were gonna…” he said and ut himself off but Ernst wished he had taken the extra measure to finish off.

Otto stayed there for a long time, talking to Ernst like nothing ever happened between them and that broke Ernst down to absolutely nothing. After a few days, Otto stopped visiting anf after a week, stopped texting him. The only people to check on Ernst were Melitta and Thea occasionally and his constant visitor was Moritz, who would often sing him to sleep which he appreciated to no end.

Months after he left the hospital from recovering, there was a sudden knock on his door. Ernst was absolutely not doing well, he started drinking bad and abusing any drug he could get his hands on. He’d cut off every tie he had with anyon from school and became and absolute recluse, so someone at his door was definitely not a normal occurance. The debate came immediately, him against himself, good versus evil. Desperation had got to him and he knew he needed help but another part of him needed everything he had. Against his better judgement, however, he opened the door and almost passed out at the sight.

Otto really hadn’t changed in the few months he’d saw him yet he also changed in every way. He looked so much more confident, his hair was a little longer and somehow, his eyes looked so much brighter than before. Ernst could hear his heart both beating out of hus chest and shattering as soon as Otto gave him a hug and he hugged back and he knew it was immediately the beginning of the end
~~~

“ So you went to get help because your ex boyfriend who kept you from dying told you to?”. Hearing that come from Hanschen’s mouth almost made Ernst laugh out loud as he nodded and drew little shapes on the table “ Yeah, it sounds silly when I say it like that but that’s exactly what happened. I’ve been clean for….two months now, maybe a little over all because of Ottie”. Hanschen was smiling but not necessarily at was Ernst was saying which made Ernst smile “ Why are you smiling?” Ernst said softly and nudged Hanschen.

“Because…” Hanschen said as he shoved him back “ You’re the prettiest thing in this whole room”