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Akira approached Ryuji as soon as their classes ended, being received by that wide, friendly smile of his. They had made plans on the prior night to spend that afternoon together, despite not having decided the details yet.
“So,” said Ryuji, throwing an arm around Akira’s shoulders, “where are we going?”
Akira smiled, fixing his glasses.
“To a delicious pancake,” he said.
“Pancake…?”
It took a few seconds before a glint of comprehension took Ryuji’s eyes, followed by a scowl.
“For real?” he said. “Man… That’s not the kind of place two dudes go together…”
“But I want to ride a roller coaster.”
“Really?”
Ryuji stared at him, then let out a resigned sigh.
“Y’know what?” he said. “Fine! Let’s take you to the damn roller coaster.”
Akira couldn’t hide his surprise: he didn’t think Ryuji would actually accept it, and was ready to invite him to play games in his room, instead. An excited grin took his face.
“I’m totally considering it a date, then,” he said.
“Pfft, shut up.”
Ryuji nudged Akira’s ribs with his elbow, but it didn’t make his smile disappear. A small, amused laugh left Ryuji’s throat.
“What a nerd…”
They took the train to the dome, and Akira’s excitement didn’t die even after leaving the roller coaster, legs trembling and stomach turning. He tried to keep a cool face, but deep inside knew he looked like an undead. The way Ryuji looked at him only confirmed his suspicion.
“Dude… Why did you want to come here if you almost die every time?” he asked, offering him his shoulder as support, which Akira accepted. “You’re not good with this shit.”
“I’m perfectly fine.”
“Yeah, ‘course you are,” he said, then covered his eyes with a hand. “Damn… Everything’s still spinning.”
“Weak.”
Akira’s provocation would have been more effective if he didn’t sound like he was about to barf. Ryuji laughed.
“Dude, you should take a look at yourself.” He placed a hand on Akira’s back, helping him walk straight. “Come, let’s find somewhere to sit.”
Akira agreed with a nod, and they walked to the closest bench they found, sitting side by side, shoulders lightly touching, taking a moment to recompose themselves.
“We should get some ice-cream when you start to feel better,” suggested Ryuji. “I could really go for something sweet right now.”
“I’m the sweetest thing you’ll ever meet.”
“Other than you, dude,” Ryuji chuckled, messing Akira’s hair.
Ryuji probably wasn’t aware, but those small gestures were the reason Akira just couldn’t give up on him. It made him feel stupid — and kind of selfish — to expect anything more than friendship from Ryuji, but it was stronger than him. Akira just liked him that much.
“There are couples everywhere you look…” commented Ryuji, glancing around. “People will start having the wrong idea about us.”
Akira shrugged at the idea.
“We could always hold hands and confirm their suspicion,” he said.
“Hell no!”
Ryuji laughed, nudging Akira’s arm with his elbow.
“Ouch…” said Akira, placing a hand over his chest. “You could reject me more nicely next time.”
“What do you mean next time? Just stop suggesting dumb shit!”
Part of Akira was glad Ryuji was taking that as a joke, but he couldn’t deny it also felt a little frustrating to not even be taken seriously. He knew he didn’t have any chance, but still…
“Do you have a girl you’d like to bring here, then?” he asked, before he could stop himself.
“No, not really,” said Ryuji. “Why? Do you?”
“To be honest, I’m fine with things as they are now.”
“What? Being with a dude in a place like this? Stop being weird!”
Despite Ryuji’s playful tone, those words hurt more than he expected. Suddenly, Akira felt like he couldn’t laugh at the situation anymore.
“I’m serious,” he said.
“What?” Ryuji raised his brow. “Are you gay, or somethin’?”
He didn’t answer, and Ryuji stared at him, his provocative smile giving place to widened eyes.
“Wait…” he said. “Really?”
Akira lowered his head, feeling his stomach turn again.
“Hey, Akira…” Ryuji leaned in his direction, trying to look at his face. “It’s okay.”
“No, it isn’t…”
“C’mon, dude… I didn’t mean to—”
“Ryuji,” Akira interrupted him. “I like you.”
A long, heavy silence fell upon them, and only then Akira realized what a stupid thing he had just done. A cold feeling spread through his body, and he wished he could erase those last few seconds from reality.
“You’re joking, right?” asked Ryuji in a low voice.
“I…” Akira forced a smile. “Yeah… of course.”
He risked a glance at Ryuji’s face, and it was clear he wasn’t buying it.
“Just forget about all this,” he said.
“How can I?” asked Ryuji. “I thought we were best friends!”
“You are my best friend!” said Akira. “But I… I just…”
“Akira, stop…”
“Ryuji, I—”
“Stop!” Ryuji raised his voice. “I don’t wanna hear it, okay? This… This is wrong!”
Akira flinched at that answer. Shit, that was the worst possible outcome he could have imagined.
“I’m sorry…”
His voice broke. If he stayed there, he’d start crying like a little child and just make things worse, so he got up from the bench without looking at Ryuji.
“I should go back,” he said. “Thanks for riding the roller coaster with me.”
Without saying anything else, he walked as fast as he could back to the station, entering the train as the doors were about to close, just wanting to get out of that place.
How could he have messed up that bad? He knew that was how things would turn out, so why didn’t he keep his mouth shut for just a while longer?
The ride back to Yongen-Jaya seemed to take hours instead of minutes, and it took Akira all of his inner strength to keep a smile on his face when he greeted Sojiro. As soon as he reached the attic, he fell on his bed, feeling exhausted. The low sound of paws against the floor, followed by a movement over the mattress, told him Morgana was there.
“Welcome back!” said the cat. “How was your day?”
Akira groaned in response.
“Just let me die…” he said. “Slowly.”
“What? No one’s dying in my room, much less you.”
Morgana moved, until he could look at Akira’s face, seeming a little concerned.
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
“I was completely rejected.”
“Oh…”
Morgana knew about his hopeless crush, so those words were enough for him to understand the situation.
“I told you, you’re too good for stupid Ryuji,” he said.
Akira knew Morgana was trying to cheer him up. He tried to force a smile, but it only made his chest hurt. Tears started to form in his eyes, and he sunk his face on the pillow. He felt Morgana on his side, nuzzling his head against his shoulder.
“Just let it out, okay?”
And Akira did as he said.
Ryuji’s mind was still racing when he got home. He had close to no memory of the trip back, except that he almost missed his station because his head was somewhere else. His mother wasn’t home yet, and he felt a little relieved about it: she would know something was wrong just by looking at his face. He went to his room, falling backwards on his bed, covering his eyes with both arms, screaming silently.
He felt like shit, if not worse. The day had been great, until suddenly everything went downhill, and before he could even recover from it, Akira pulled a disappearing act on him. Ryuji even tried to look for him in the station, but he was nowhere to be seen.
And now, he was there, unsure of what to do, or even what to think. He took his cell phone, and, without thinking too much, sent a message to Ann.
Ryuji: im dead
It took her just a few seconds to answer.
Ann: ??
Ann: what???
Ann: who killed u?
Ryuji: fucking akira
Ann: aww always a hero <3
Ryuji sent her a full line of words that made Ann respond with a short and simple “rude”.
Ann: what happened?
Where should he even begin?
Ryuji: we went to dome town together
Ryuji: rode the roller coaster n shit
Ann: OMG … that SOOO classifies as a date!!!
Ryuji: hes my friend! friends do that stuff all the time
Ryuji: right?
Ann: r u serious??
Ann: idk what to tell u
Ann: but like … it was a date
Ann: just accept it
Ann: so … what happened???
Ryuji: he kinda confessed to me
Ann: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ann: waaaaattt
Ann: omg
Ann: now im dead
Ann: what did u say?????
He was about to start typing when the question made his brain work again. The memory of that moment was hazy, as if clouded by his own nervousness. Still…
Ann: ????
Ann: ryuji what did u say??
He hadn’t realized how bad it had been until he actually thought about it. His reaction… Damn, it was terrible.
Ryuji: dont know for sure …
Ryuji: he tried to explain and i told him to stop
Ryuji: i panicked
Ryuji: think i said it was wrong or somethin
Ryuji: sounded like an asshole
Ryuji: he even apologized to me
Ryuji: seemed about to cry
Ryuji: then he went away n disappeared
As he typed each message, his chest grew tighter. How much of an asshole could he be?
Ryuji: shit …
Ann: god …
Ryuji: i messed up
Ann: dont u say????!!
Ryuji: fuck …
Ryuji: what do i do???
Ann: fucking apologize u idiot!!
Ann: omg …
Ann: ffs ryuji ……
Ann: ill call u
Ann: u better answer
He barely had the time to register those last lines before his phone buzzed. He took the call, and Ann’s voice almost broke his eardrum.
“You idiot!” she said.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me!”
“I know…”
Ryuji shifted over the mattress, feeling anxious.
“You think he hates me now?” he asked.
“He’s the one who must be thinking that. C’mon… Do you know how difficult it is to confess to someone? If Shiho had said that to me, I’d be devastated.”
“I didn’t want to. My mind just kinda stopped working. I…” His voice cracked. “I didn’t wanna hurt him.”
He should have sounded really miserable, since Ann’s following words had a softer tone.
“I know you didn’t…”
“I’m scared of talkin’ to him. Damn… How can I even look at his face? He must fuckin’ hate me now!”
“Calm down, panicking again will only make things worse.”
“I know!”
But how was he supposed to stop thinking about that? Again, he went and hurt someone he cared about without even realizing… Shit, he was an asshole, just like his old man.
“Sorry, but I’m…” again, his voice died in the middle of the phrase. “Fuck, I’m—”
“I get it, just take some deep breaths.”
Ryuji tried to do as she said, closing his eyes, focusing only on breathing deeply a few times.
“Better?” she asked.
“I think so.”
“Good. Now, tell me… What are you planning to do?”
“No idea…” he gritted his teeth. “Fuck… There’s no way he’ll still like me after all this shit.”
“Wait… Do you like him?”
“I…” the question made his blood freeze. “I don’t know.”
“You really think I’ll believe that? C’mon, Ryuji… Do you like him or not?”
“I said I don’t know!” he sighed, a little annoyed. “Look, Ann…. I don’t like guys. I mean, I never liked a guy before, alright? So, I… shouldn’t like him.”
“That wasn’t my question.”
He knew it wasn’t, and it took him a few seconds to find a better answer.
“I’m… I’m his best friend. I want us to stay like this… Like we’ve always been.”
“Is that really all? So, would you be fine if he started liking someone else?”
“Of course not!”
“And you still say he’s just a friend?”
Ann’s insistence made him feel a little angry at her.
“Fine!” he said in a loud voice. “I like him, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Ryuji, calm down,” she asked. “I’m just trying to help.”
“I know!” he realized he was just being an asshole again, and his irritation gave place to a bitter feeling. “I know… Sorry.”
“It’s alright,” she proceeded. “But, if that’s how you feel, then what’s the problem?”
“You wouldn’t understand… Everyone likes him so much, and I’m just a fuckin’ loser who can’t do shit right! But he still calls me his best friend. It could be anyone else, but he still lets an useless piece of trash like me stay by his side, and if he stops seeing me like that, I…”
A small sob left his throat, and only then he noticed the tears leaving his eyes.
“I don’t know what I’d do,” he completed.
“Ryuji…”
“I don’t want him to hate me…”
“He won’t.”
He heard a small sigh on the other side of the line, and when Ann proceeded, her tone was low and kind.
“You’re not a piece of trash, okay?” she said. “Stop thinking this of yourself.”
He scoffed at those words, shaking his head.
“Ryuji, I’m serious,” proceeded Ann. “You talk like Akira is doing you a favor by letting you be his friend, but… Do you really think he sees you like that? You’ve been his closest friend since he arrived here, everyone knows that. If anything, he’s probably the one who’s scared to lose you right now.”
“But what if he wants nothing to do with me now?” he insisted. “I was such an asshole…”
“Stop calling yourself that… You said something bad without thinking, but everyone does that sometimes. You two have been inseparable all this time… I’m sure it’d take more than that to bring you apart.”
Part of Ryuji tried hard not to believe her words, but, at the same time, he knew she was right. He knew Akira, and he knew he wouldn’t turn his back on him so easily.
“Yeah…”
But he was still afraid that things would change. If he lost his place beside Akira, what should he even do? It was terrifying just to think about that.
“Listen,” Ann’s voice called his attention, “you two are really important to me, and I don’t want to see either of you hurt.”
“I know…”
“Just talk to him, alright? I’m sure he’ll understand if you explain it.”
Ryuji couldn’t help but smile at those gentle words.
“It’s kinda weird, you being so nice to me,” he said.
“Don’t get used to it.”
“You kiddin’? I almost miss your scolding.”
“Jerk.”
He chuckled, feeling his chest a little lighter than before.
“Thanks.”
They ended the call soon after, and, before he could lose his courage, Ryuji typed a brief message to his best friend.
Ryuji: r u home?
Akira only realized he had fallen asleep when Sojiro’s voice brought him back to the world of the living.
“Akira, your friend is here!”
Friend? Akira frowned, a little confused, searching his memory for anyone who said they’d come to visit. He reached for his cell phone, seeing the alert of three new messages. As soon as he opened them, his stomach turned.
Ryuji: r u home?
Ryuji: i wanna talk
Ryuji: can i come over?
They had been sent more than an hour ago, and made quite clear who was waiting for him on the lower floor. A thousand thoughts crossed his mind, from “he’ll never want to see me again” to “he’s going to punch my face”, and, despite knowing Ryuji wasn’t the kind to do either, he firmly believed in them as he went downstairs, seeing his friend sitting by one of the tables, next to Morgana.
It was an awkward moment, when both tried their best not to look directly at each other. Sojiro looked from one to the other, frowning a little, then, as if noticing something was wrong, sighed.
“I’ll be going home for today,” he said. “Make sure to close the store.”
“I’ll go with him…” said Morgana. “Don’t want to spend more time with Ryuji than I need to.”
Both of them left the Leblanc, and Ryuji followed them with his gaze.
“What a rude cat…” he said.
He turned to face Akira again, and both were silent for a while.
“Do you want some coffee?” asked Akira in an attempt to break the silence, only to realize that was a stupid question. “Damn, of course you don’t… You hate coffee.”
He averted his gaze, clenching his fists, getting angry at himself for being unable to lighten that mood. After a moment of consideration, Ryuji got up from his seat, approaching him.
“You don’t need to get this nervous around me, y’know?” he said.
The softness of his voice only made Akira feel worse.
“Ryuji, I’m—”
“Stop it,” Ryuji interrupted him. “I’m sorry, okay? I was an asshole to you.”
Akira risked a glance at him.
“Are you still mad?” he asked.
“I wasn’t mad,” said Ryuji, placing a hand on the back of his own neck, looking to the side. “You just got me by surprise, and I said some stupid shit.”
He took a deep breath before looking back at Akira.
“I just wanna talk to you,” he said. “Is that okay?”
Akira nodded.
“Let’s go upstairs.”
Ryuji agreed, following him to his room. They sat on the bed, and Akira couldn’t help but notice the unusual distance between them. Maybe he was thinking too much, but every small detail like that seemed like a bad sign, and the silence that fell between them once again only made it worse.
“Can we still be friends after all this?” he asked after a while.
Ryuji looked at him, seeming a little hurt by the question.
“If we couldn’t, I’d never forgive myself,” he said.
Before Akira could find something else to say, Ryuji moved a little closer to him, as if that distance had been bothering him as well.
“Akira, I…” he started to say. “I didn’t get mad at you for liking me. The truth is… I’ve been thinkin’ about you too.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know how to explain,” he shifted a little over the mattress, fidgeting with the end of his t-shirt. “Stuff like finding excuses to be with you, or thinkin’ you’re cute when you laugh. Wanting to touch you, and then feeling bad about it. I don’t know… Stuff like this.”
Akira stared at him, not knowing how to react to those words.
“I was trying so hard not to pay attention to it,” proceeded Ryuji, “tellin’ myself it was just ‘cause you’re my friend. But then you said you liked me, and… I got all defensive, ‘cause things shouldn’t be like this! We should be friends… We were fine as friends.”
He stopped talking, lowering his eyes to the floor. Akira just watched him for a while.
“Ryuji…” he said in a low voice. “Do you like me?”
Ryuji let out a humorless laugh.
“’Course I do,” he said. “How could I not?”
“Then, shouldn’t this solve things?”
“No.”
“Why?”
Ryuji raised his eyes again, but didn’t quite look at Akira’s.
“Couples break up all the time, and I…” he made a pause, twisting his lips a little. “There’s a reason I’m not popular with girls, y’know? I’d never be a good boyfriend. We’d end up breakin’ up, and hating each other.”
“You don’t know that,” said Akira.
“You’re not taking my ability of messin’ up seriously.”
“Aren’t you the one being too hard on yourself?”
“C’mon…” Ryuji sighed, seeming a little tired. “You saw how I acted today. Chances are I’ll do stuff like that again. It just…” he gesticulated, trying to find the right words, giving up a moment later, letting both hands fall over his legs. “It just happens. I get upset about somethin’ and do shit I regret later.”
Akira was about to answer, but stopped himself. He knew that was a complicated subject for Ryuji, and denying his words usually didn’t have much effect, even if he meant it.
“Well, I didn’t help, saying that out of nowhere,” he said, instead. “But I panicked… When I realized, it was already too late to take it back.”
“It’s not the same thing…” insisted Ryuji. “You know the shit I did ‘cause I can’t control my fucking self.”
“You’re different from how you were, you said it yourself.”
“Yeah, but—”
Akira placed a hand on Ryuji’s shoulder, making him stop talking and look at him.
“Don’t discard all of it because of a single mistake,” he said. “You’re…”
Akira hesitated a little, then hugged Ryuji’s shoulders, bringing him closer.
“You’re so much better than you think…” he proceeded in a low voice. “So, please, stop saying these things.”
Ryuji looked at him for a moment, then a light smile took his lips.
“After all this, you still care about how I feel?” he asked.
“I’m your best friend, ain’t I?”
His smile widened, turning into a brief chuckle.
“Yeah…” he said. “You sure are.”
He placed an arm around Akira’s waist, and they spent a while like that, in silence.
“I never liked a guy before…” said Ryuji. “And, to be honest, I don’t know what to think of it yet. I don’t think I’m ready to tell this to my mom, or other people.”
“If that’s the problem, then I can wait,” Akira offered him a playful smile. “It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me, or anything like that.”
“Guess you’re right.”
Ryuji looked at him, still seeming unsure.
“We won’t end up hurtin’ each other, will we?” he asked.
“Ryuji…” Akira looked into his eyes. “We’ve been friends all this time, and I don’t think things will change so much between us. I mean, yeah, they’ll change, but… We’ll still be us, right?”
“Will we?”
“Of course.”
Akira offered him a brief smile, then hugged his waist, resting his head on the crook of his neck.
“You’re the best thing that happened to me in a long time… Maybe in forever,” he said. “I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“I…”
Ryuji didn’t react for a moment, making Akira worry that maybe he had gone too far. However, soon his friend embraced him back, caressing his hair.
“I think the same,” he said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Sometimes I think I’m too lucky to have you around, and that anyone could take my place if they wanted to,” he lowered his tone. “That’s why I’m so fuckin’ scared of losing you…”
“You won’t,” assured Akira. “And you shouldn’t worry so much about that… No one could ever take your place, okay?”
Ryuji stayed silent, but his embrace became a little tighter. A long while passed before he finally said something.
“Fuck…” his voice was accompanied by a low, brief laugh. “I’ve run out of excuses…”
That answer made Akira smile.
“So… Are you willing to try?” he asked.
“If you think you can put up with me.”
“Haven’t I been doing it all this time?”
“You know what I mean.”
Akira moved away, looking at his friend.
“I want to,” he said. “I really do.”
Ryuji nodded, averting his gaze.
“What should we do, then?” he asked.
An amused smile took Akira’s lips at that slightly flustered tone.
“Yeah…” he said. “What should we do?”
“I asked first!”
Before Ryuji had the time to complain more, Akira cupped his face, placing a light, brief kiss on his lips, moving away so he could look at his face.
“Is this fine?” he asked.
Ryuji pressed his own lips together, before pulling Akira close and kissing him again. Akira considered it a “yes”.
“I’m serious about this, okay?” said Ryuji, as soon as they broke the kiss. “So, you better not regret it later, or anything.”
“I won’t,” guaranteed Akira. “Thank you.”
Ryuji frowned at that answer.
“Are you seriously thanking me for going out with you?” he asked.
Akira hadn’t noticed it until Ryuji pointed it out. He opened his mouth, but couldn’t find a better explanation, which made Ryuji start laughing.
“I didn’t think…” he felt his neck and face start to get warm, and turned his gaze to the wall. “I’m just relieved, okay? Stop laughing at me.”
“What a nerd…” proceeded Ryuji, placing an arm around his neck.
“Shut up, you jerk.”
“Asshole.”
As he said it, Ryuji placed a kiss on his cheek, and damn… How could Akira ever be mad at him?
“Dude, you’re so cute,” said Ryuji. “I’m feeling so lucky right now.”
“Yeah, yeah…” grumbled Akira.
“You’re welcome, by the way.”
“Shut up!”
Akira shoved his shoulder, unable to hold back a laugh. Ryuji hugged him against his chest, and they lied side by side on the bed, kissing while sharing soft touches and caresses.
He could easily get used to that.