Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Sara I’m so sorry!” 

She groaned slightly under her breath. “It’s ok, I’m fine.” 

As she walked away, Oliver stopped her “Let me see. Let me see.” The second time he responded slowly, urging her. 

“She’s bleeding, but it’s not deep.” He said, shooting a glance at Diggle. 

“Good, I can’t take any more scars. Speaking of, mortar round?” 

“Yeah, IED, the Paktika province in Afghanistan. Good eye.” Diggle finished, obviously approving. 

“I know my wounds. Grenade. Algiers.” 

“I’ve never been hit by a grenade.” Oliver piped in as if discussing his lack of seeing a tv show. 

“All those scars and you’ve never been hit by a grenade?” 

“Arrow, knife, knife. A lot of bullets, no grenades.” 

“I’ve got myself a new bullet. A nine millimetre, right there.” Diggle indicated on his shoulder. 

“.38. I’m mostly swords and a spear.” Sara added 

“I have a scar.” Felicity regretted opening her mouth the millisecond any sound left it. 

“It’s in my mouth. I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was 16. Three stitches, they were really badly impacted.” If she felt she could have face-palmed in that moment. No, she would have smacked herself in the head. Especially after Sara just responded: 

“You’re still cute” And looked at her like a little puppy or something. 

When Oliver and Sara started talking about their party and then their relationship, Felicity allowed herself to berate her stupidity in her head. Why? Why would you say anything? There are so many things you could have said instead. Or nothing. Nothing would have been preferable.  

“Maybe it’s better if we keep what’s going on between us a secret. For Laurel’s sake.” 

What about my sake. No. Don’t think like that. Oliver’s happy. Sara’s happy. Just... move on Felicity  

She went back to her computers, sending Digg a glance to tell him that Sara’s newest ‘injury’ wasn’t his fault. Sara was a badass. That wouldn’t have hurt her. As she watched Sara’s petite, muscular form walk away, she decided she really needed to go to the gym. 

________________________________________ 

She punched it. She wasn’t trying to do it right. She just needed to punch something. The talks of scars, Sara’s perfection, Oliver’s neglecting her. She needed to punch something like she used to. She used to know the right form, probably could do it if she wanted, but she didn’t. She needed to let out the energy without the boys looking at her, so she just punched away, using her muscles, feeling them tense as she felt the force of her punch in her hands. She just needed an outlet. 

“Plant your feet.” Damn it, this was exactly what she didn’t want. 

“Stronger foundation. Equals stronger punch” Sara dragged Felicity’s foot back. She thought about fighting it for a second, but this woman was perfect, and she was only trying to help. She also resisted saying “I know. I’m not quite as stupid and incapable as everyone seems to think I am." but she figured she probably was. So she didn’t fight. She shouldn’t know how to fight, how to throw a punch. In all truthfulness, she probably didn’t. Look at all the mess she had gotten into in her life through just that one lack of ability. She punched the dummy once more, feeling it shake.  

Damn. That was her. It’s always going to be her. She’s better than-  

“ If this is for self-defence, I’d recommend Wing Chun. It uses your opponent's strength against him. So it’s ideal for smaller people” She demonstrated a move that looked so elegant and clearly so simple to her, but Felicity knew would never be achievable by herself, “like us” 

“You seem like you can take care of yourself just fine.” Felicity bit off and immediately regretted. Now she was the bitter one as well. Sara had done nothing wrong. 

“Are you ok?” And now she was being sweet as well. Damn it. 

“Where are we with the skeleton key?” Felicity didn’t know if she was glad or not for the intrusion. 

“And what... are you wearing?” Not. Definitely not. 

“I just thought I’d...” Never mind “I’m cross-referencing Walczak’s known associates with decryption experts on the NSA watch list, it’s just taking some time.” 

“Which we don’t have, okay? The key is not just a code breaker, in the wrong hands, it’s a weapon.” He spoke to her as if she was a child who had done something wrong. Both telling her off, but also so, so patronising. 

“Whoever killed Walczak, in addition to finding creepy uses for clock parts, is also very good at covering his tracks.” 

“Lucky for us, uncovering tracks is what you’re very good at.” 

“Right.”The only thing apparently. Doesn’t sound like you believe it though.  

And she didn’t believe it. He had the skeleton key and, despite Oliver’s clear belief, she did know what the skeleton key was capable of. If he really was as good as he seemed, with the skeleton key in his control well, sometimes it doesn’t matter how good you are, there’s nothing you can do. And it’s not like I’m that good anyway. Let’s just hope this guy isn’t what he seems.  

________________________________________ 

“The skeleton key operates on an OFDM wireless signal. I’m picking up a transmission signal in the alleyway next to the bank.” 

“But you won’t be heading there.” 

Just hearing a voice over the commlink made Felicity begin finding a way to block him out. It should be secure. It should be secure. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. He must have found their frequency and got in by using his comms and tapping in after breaking her firewall. If he did that, then he could track all three locations involved, which would not only compromise the element of surprise that Oliver and Sara had on them but, more worryingly it could lead him to their base. She only prayed that he didn’t think to use the skeleton key to break the firewall because if he did it manually, she could have a chance to change their frequency and place another one up. A much more secure one. Smoak, what are you doing? Be a part of the solution, not the problem!  

“What was that?” 

“He’s hacked our transmission.” And if you could give me a moment, I’ll try to get him out before he finds us all. Before she could even change their frequencies though, Tockman revealed his plan. 

“My associates may be headed to the alley but the 910 bus from Crescent Circle is about to collide with the Starlight Freight Express.” 

All thoughts of trying to break him out vanished as she thought about all the people who could be injured or killed by that accident.

“Oh my God, he’s right, the 910’s headed for the track at Amherst.” 

“By my calculations, you can’t be in two places at once.” 

“He doesn’t know there’s two of us.” Oliver finished and silently told Sara to go for the alleyway. He would make sure those people were safe. 

Felicity began trying to close the crossing barriers, desperately hoping that she could just do her job and keep those people safe, so Sara and Oliver could go after Tockman together. Ugghh, I don’t even know his name so he’s just another generic sicko. Not now Felicity. Focus.  

"He’s in the transit department network!”  

She tried again, but there was no use. She tried to hack into the bus’ radio, to get them to stop, but he was smart and he’d made sure that couldn’t happen. 

“He’s - he’s hacked the signalling system. I – I can’t get the crossing barriers down!” 

“Those buses have radios. Can you break in, wave them off?” 

“No, he’s keeping me out.” I’ve tried all I can. Do you really think if I hadn’t you would still be here, instead of going after the bad guys?  She was angry but at the same time, the voice in the back of her head was coming further forward with each step. Was it fair to be angry at Oliver for thinking she hadn’t found a way? After all, she hadn’t. 

She heard more bullets flying over Sara’s comms and the loud rumble of Oliver’s motorbike. She wanted to say something to either of them. Make sure they were alright. I’m just a distraction. They’re fine. They can handle themselves, it’s only when I get involved that things go sideways.  

The bullets died down just as the train could be heard and her heart raced in her chest. Both of those noises could be good or bad, and as neither of them talked, she had no clue. She muted her comms from both parties, worried that if she had to take this any longer, she would say something to either distract them or angry thoughts she had no right to voice. This was all her fault anyway. 

“Felicity, I’m coming back. I got something.” Sara’s voice broke her out of her head and she realised the sounds of bullets and trains had both stopped. Just as she was about to respond to Sara, she heard the honk of a bus and Oliver’s reply: 

“I’ll be 30 minutes.” 

Felicity unmuted her comms and gave some short, half-hearted reply that she would be there, she wasn’t sure why. It was obvious. She was always here, and yet it wasn’t enough. She tried not to let the job take too much of a toll on her. She had gotten pretty good at compartmentalising over the years, the only way she could return here every night was to leave everything behind and focus on the task at hand. She tried to do that now, but the box named ‘insecurities’ was way past full and she couldn’t open it right now, not without everything pouring out. She muted the comms again, determined to finally upgrade the firewall now that the imminent danger was over.

She looked at her watch, knowing that she was supposed to call her mom back now and she would be faced with hell when she finally got home but, she had let the team down if you want your own life, how about making sure you don’t kill the very people that you swore to protect with your incompetence!  She could not afford to make mistakes in this work, hell she knew that better than they thought, and she knew that in all her years trying to save her city, she rarely made mistakes. But every time I do, people die. Suddenly, the memories of such instances came back to the forefront of her mind. She tried to begin upgrading the firewall and when her eyes blurred over, both with tears and with darkness she knew that she could literally do this with her eyes closed. However, she knew what it felt like to have a panic attack and as her whole body began trembling, she knew she needed to be somewhere else. She tried to stand up and walk to the bathroom, but when she felt faint and what little vision she did have began to double and sway, she ran and locked herself in before half falling and half sliding against the wall to the floor. 

She put herself in the recovery position, trying to count her breaths. You don’t have time for this Smoak, that guy could be doing something right now. That thought only made it worse though and she knew she had to stop this but as her eyes popped open with adrenaline and her breathing began to increase further, she was worried more about passing out. 

These are not your memories. That is a story. That is not you. You live a happy life with good friends. You have a loving mother. These are not your memories. That is a story. That is not you. That is not you. That is not you.  

She repeated the mantra further, finally taking control of her thoughts. As the panic attack began to subside, she helped it along by thinking of a list of things she would upgrade in their security, and how she would do it. With a plan in place, she stood up, ignoring the wobble in her body as she did so, and wiped her eyes. She didn’t dare look in the mirror, knowing that the sight would horrify her and she needed a good dollop of disassociation right now. Smoothing over her skirt and bright yellow cardigan, she unlocked the door and stepped out, determined to finally upgrade the firewall. 

________________________________________ 

Diggle entered the lair only a few seconds before Sara, which Felicity was incredibly glad of because Diggle entered with one of those Digg patented ‘I-have-been-silent-but-I-see-everything-and-if-you-haven't-been-getting-my-hints-we're-going-to-have-a-discussion' looks. Sara picked up her bo staff and threw it in the air, twirling it, before grabbing  -is that? Yep, that’s blood.  Of course,  she managed to get a  DNA  sample  despite the fact I messed up and left her on her own – the end without blood on it. She went over to one of the drawers and got a glass slide and then retrieved a microscope from one of the cupboards.  And everyone said I stocked up on too much random equipment !   

“Do you know where Oliver is? He said he would be 30 minutes but it's been nearly 50 now. He did say he was coming back and I haven't heard anything different.” 

“Yeah, he was right behind me, he just ran into his sister upstairs and she wanted to talk to him.” Sara threw over her shoulder, walking towards the table. 

A pang of apprehension and guilt struck Felicity in her core. Had Thea figured out he had another secret? Were they fighting? Was she annoyed at him? She felt so bad about telling Oliver Thea’s true parentage. She had spent every second from when she figured it out until she told him trying to decide what was best. Tell Thea? Threaten Mrs Queen into telling them both herself? Keeping it from him? If she was really honest with herself, she hadn’t made that decision when she did tell him. All she knew was that he was there, asking her what was wrong and, in that moment, seeing the concern in his eyes and hearing the genuine curiosity in his voice as he drew her name out, she couldn’t lie to him, but she still wondered if that was the right thing. Hearing now that they were talking privately took her back to the days following Cooper’s death when his roommate, Myron had shouted at her. 

“Look at you, the great Felicity Smoak. What is supposed to be so great about you anyway, huh? Your dad left you, you haven’t visited your mother or had a visit from her in the years I’ve known you, and now your boyfriend killed himself! I mean, who else do you have? No one! Let’s face it, the only thing special about you is that everyone and everything you touch or love dies.That’s the truth.” 

He may have said the words in the heat of the moment, but everything she had done since that day had only made the statement truer. And now she had one more thing to add to her list of broken things: Oliver’s relationship with his family.  

Chapter Text

Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for the massive haitus but I'd written several chapters for this fic and many others but because my laptop broke I lost it all because of the stupid way my cloud works, so it was insanely frustrating to write them again in the midst of this chaotic time in my life. I am also really sorry to anyone who thought that chapter 2 was the second installation of this story but I wanted to let everyone know that I am continuing this story under a different title on my account.

If you enjoyed chapter one or you're just intriguied as to where this is going, please go on my account and go under the fic "You can close your eyes to reality, but not to the memories" where I am continuing this fic!

TW: there is explicit mentions of rape, I tried my best to separate that section in the story so if the detail is specifically triggering for you, you can still read the content, however if even the mention of it is upsetting for you please don't read as it is a big part of Felicity's backstory.

To anyone who wants to know why, essentially I have been reading Arrow ff for about 5 years (omg!) and even though I enjoy writing I had never imagined actually posting anything. I was amazed though by the endless talent of writers on this site and they really inspired me and got my brain churning on similar ideas that I wanted to see written by them. So I started writing my own and I fell in love with the experience, especially as someone with anxiety when these ideas went into my brain they couldn't leave until I'd written them down. Anyway, this was the first fic I wrote and posted but I was brainstorming the bigger picture of this fic and the one I mentioned earlier and they just go so so well together and after a lot of thinking I decided to combine them. I will not be deleting this post because I am proud of the initial baby it was and I will probably make some changes so it's not boring for those who have read this and to make the writing styles cohesive. Also I will be continuing "Time of Death: The Endless Possibilities" based on several of the suggestions I saw in the comments of this because I love them and also I am completely and utterly mindblown that anyone could enjoy my rambly style of writing!!

THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO HAS READ THIS OR LEFT KUDOS OR EVEN PEOPLE WHO LEFT A COMMENT OR A BOOKMARK!
It means the absolute world to me and as someone who has struggled with their mental health and the very issues I write about in these fics, it motivates me so much to see that people appreciate my work and encourages me to indulge in this self-care.