Archive of Our Own ^beta

Mike is released from Danbury on a bright Thursday morning. It's a beautiful day, the sky startlingly blue, the sun almost blinding as it welcomes him back into the outside world.

Harvey is waiting for him behind the fence, and then there is Rachel, and Mike blinks against the light and Harvey can almost taste the freedom resonating in his laughter. He goes home, and Harvey imagines that he chases that feeling, enjoys the wind in his short hair, celebrates with Rachel to make up for the time lost. He is a free man again, and everything should be perfect.

It's not.

Mike breaks up with Rachel on a completely ordinary Saturday. Harvey knows this because he shows up at his apartment not an hour later, asking if he can stay the night, maybe longer. He merely waves him inside, turning to take out the sheets he has privately labeled as Mike's long ago.

He doesn't know what transpired between them and is reluctant to ask at Mike's frown and the tight set of his jaw, but from the bits and pieces he tells him he figures that things just didn't work out anymore. He keeps his mouth shut and his thoughts to himself, instead offering the silent support he knows Mike came for. He leaves after a few days, a little less tense, a little more resigned, and Harvey doesn't see him again for almost a week.

When Mike shows up on his doorstep the following Monday, it's almost midnight. Harvey glances at the box he's carrying, raising an eyebrow as he steps aside to let him in.

Mike shakes his head. “No, I'll just be a minute.” He sucks in his lip. “I'm about to leave, actually.”

Harvey frowns. “Why? You just got here. Now come on in, there's-”

“You're not listening to me,” Mike interrupts him, shaking his head with a strange determination. “I'm about to leave the city.”

Harvey falters, blinking at Mike to see if he misheard. “You're what?”

“I'm leaving New York.”

“Where are you going?”

Shrugging, Mike just says, “Anywhere. Wherever it takes me.”

Harvey looks back to the box with growing apprehension. There is a suitcase a few steps behind Mike that he is only now noticing. “Don't be ridiculous. You can't just drop everything and leave.”

Mike returns his gaze, and at the look in his eyes Harvey knows that he already lost. Mike's decision is made, and nothing he says or does is going to change that.

“Yes, I can. I'm not on parole. I don't have a job, I don't have a family, I have no one to come home to. I will never find a better time to leave. If I don't do it now, I may never get the chance again.”

Harvey stares at Mike, shaking his head in incomprehension. “Why?”

“Because I have to. I need to get away, Harvey. I need to get out of here. It's everywhere, everything that happened, everything I did and lost and I can't stand being reminded of it every hour of every day.” He lifts his shoulders. “It's done. I sold the apartment. I threw out everything I'm not taking with me except for this.”

Harvey looks at the box, a meager accumulation for an entire life. Taking a closer look at what’s inside, he frowns. “You're not taking your phone?”

“And my laptop neither. I just need to be alone for a while.”

Harvey’s stomach drops at the thought of not being able to reach Mike. No laptop, no phone, no address. It's like he's disappearing from the face of the earth, straight out of Harvey's life into thin air.

“So you what, came to say goodbye?”

The words taste bitter in his mouth, but he needs to ask, needs to know what Mike has planned.

“And to ask if I could stow this stuff here with you. Until I get back.”

“When's that?”

Mike shrugs, a slight smile pulling on his lips. “No idea. Could be next week. Could be in a year. I'll see where it takes me, and when it takes me back to New York.”

The unspoken if it takes me back swings between them. Harvey doesn't dare say it out loud, too scared to make it real by voicing it.

He takes the box when Mike holds it out to him, trying to think of something to say that will make him change his mind, but he instinctively understands that he can't.

Harvey never had a problem he couldn't solve. But then he met Mike, and it seems that all he ever does is fail him. So if he wants to go now, the least Harvey can do is let him. Even if every fiber of his being rebels against it.

If Mike sold his apartment, he's serious. And if he needs to get away so desperately, then Harvey can do nothing but let him go.

“Well, I guess there's nothing left but to wish you safe travels,” Harvey forces himself to say.

Mike catches his eyes, giving him a grateful nod. He probably expected him to put up a fight. Harvey is still struggling not to. “I'd better go. Thanks, Harvey.”

He turns, but Harvey catches his wrist before he can leave.

“Mike.”

Mike looks at him, and Harvey swallows as he says, “Don't just disappear on me. Let me know you're alright, okay? I don't care how, send me a goddamn letter if you have to, but don't leave me with nothing.”

He can't bear the thought of being dumped like the rest of Mike's things, just another piece of the failed life he's so desperate to leave behind. Nothing more than meaningless clutter. As if what they had wasn't important somehow.

Mike looks at him before he nods, just once.

“Alright. Promise,” he says. And then he goes, and Harvey is left to stare after him, feeling like he took all the air out of the room with him.

He lets out a deep breath eventually, closing the door with reluctance. He only glances inside the box of Mike's things, then puts them away without taking a closer look. Maybe if he ignores their presence, the reality of what it means won't be as bad somehow.

He pours himself a drink, staring at nothing as he sits and swirls it slowly. Mike's words keep echoing in his head, not leaving him alone until he shuts his eyes and presses the cool glass against his forehead in an attempt to block them out. Finally he gives up and goes to bed, hoping against all odds that he won't feel this bereft in the morning.

*

When Harvey wakes up, the hole in his chest is of course still there and Mike is still gone.

He stares at the ceiling for a long time before turning off his alarm, unable to take another second of the jarring noise. He goes through the motions of his morning routine automatically, his mind on Mike the entire time.

Has he already left the state? Probably. He brought his suitcase last night, so he must have driven straight to the airport afterwards. Or is he traveling by train? Harvey curses himself for not asking. Now he has no way to contact Mike, to ask if he's alright or what he's up to. Where he’s even going. He could be on his way to the goddamn North Pole, for all he knows.

He takes a deep breath as he straightens his tie, staring at himself in the mirror. Mike promised to let him know what he's up to. He didn't say how soon, but he promised, and Harvey is just going to have to believe that.

It's hard, going on as if nothing happened. No one at the office even seems to know that Mike is gone. Harvey catches sight of Rachel around noon, but she just smiles at him and walks on, like she doesn't know about Mike's departure or simply doesn't care. Harvey doesn't ask which one it is. He has been too involved in this relationship from the start, he's not going to continue that now that it's over.

It's a strange feeling, though. Being the only one so thoroughly rattled by Mike's absence. No matter how much Harvey tries to distract himself, he can't quite get used to the fact that Mike isn't just not there, but also entirely out of reach. It leaves him fidgety and with a short temper that only grows worse with every passing day.

He hasn't heard from Mike so far and still has no idea where he went off to or if he's alright. There's no reason why he shouldn't be, but it doesn't stop him worrying. But it’s not just that.

Mike's absence is palpable.

It's ridiculous. He hasn't been at the firm for a long time and it’s been ages since Harvey saw him every day, so this shouldn't be any different. But it is. Not having heard from him since he took off leaves him with a faint sense of bitterness he can't quite get rid of, no matter how hard he tries.

Harvey loses himself in his brooding. The first week passes and there's still no sign of life.

Ten days have passed when he hears from Mike again for the first time. Harvey is at work when he receives the mail, his heart skipping a beat when he sees the addressor. He clicks on it, his eyes moving over the text so fast he nearly gets dizzy.

From: [email protected]
Re: Aloha!

You wanted me to keep you updated, so here I am. You can contact me through this email address if you want, but I don't check it regularly, so no promises on when I'm going to see it.

I'm in Hawaii. Imagine that. First flight departing from JFK went here, and I figured a proper vacation was long overdue, so why not? It's really fucking beautiful here. I'm enjoying a cocktail by the sea right now (the bartender let me use his phone to write this mail) and I think I'll head out for a swim soon. Tomorrow I'll go hiking, check out the volcano. Being on vacation is pretty nice. You should try it sometime.

Talk to you soon-ish!

Harvey lets out a slow breath, leaning back as he reads over the text again, more slowly this time. Mike is alright. He's more than alright by the sound of it. While the message is brief and doesn't really tell him much at all, Harvey is so relieved to have a way to contact him now that everything else is inconsequential.

He abandons the work waiting for him, instead opening a new mail to type a reply.

Mike,

I'm glad you're alright. I should have known you were going to use this opportunity to be lazy and lounge around. Well, I can't say you don't deserve it. Where exactly are you in Hawaii? I've heard the volcanoes are amazing. Don't get trampled by tourists while you're there. How long are you staying?

He hesitates, then adds, It's good to hear from you. Let me know where you're going next.

His cursor hovers over the send button before he clicks it. Like Mike, he didn't say anything of substance, not knowing how to express any of what is going on inside his head, but just knowing that he will hear from him again soon makes him feel better already.

*

Another week passes before Harvey receives a new mail from Mike. He narrows his eyes at the subject line. The mail itself only consists of two short paragraphs, which he absorbs greedily.

Re: They call me the wanderer...

As beautiful as it was in Hawaii, I've moved on and am currently state-hopping. Hitchhiking is pretty fun. You meet a lot of people, and then you get to leave them behind again as you each go your separate ways. Those brief connections aren't always the worst thing. Sometimes feeling close to someone for a few hours is all you need, right?

I just left San Francisco. Don't know where I'll stop next yet. I kind of want to trudge round all the big landmarks. I've been living in this country all my life and I've barely seen any of it. At least I can cross the Golden Gate Bridge off my list now. Alright, gotta go, my ride is waiting for me. See ya!

Harvey is not quite certain, but he's pretty sure Mike just told him that he's sleeping his way through the beds of America. He ignores the stab of jealousy sparking in his stomach, gnawing on his lip as he stares at the text before him.

It doesn't escape him that Mike didn't go into Harvey's mail at all, but even so he can't help but already open a new one. He couldn't not reply to Mike, not when this is their only connection and he so desperately wants to talk to him.

Mike, don't think I didn't catch that song reference in your subject. If you're only writing me to let me know about your bed adventures I'll have you know that I'd rather hear about your travels, Casablanca. Canvassing the big landmarks is not a bad idea, though I don't see why you have to hitchhike. Isn't that something you do when you don't have any money? I thought the point was that you do. Anyway, I hope you're staying safe and looking out for yourself.

If you're passing through Las Vegas, make sure to stop by Fremont Street. It's terribly overrun, but still worth a visit. I went there on a trip as a kid once, never forgot it.

Write me again soon. I look forward to hearing what you get up to next.

He reads over his mail again, then hits send.

He doesn't say anything of the suffocating feeling that's taken hold of him since Mike has left. Right now, after having heard from him, as short as the mail was, it's already better. It's a sign of life if nothing else. It's proof that, whatever he’s doing, he hasn't forgotten Harvey just yet.

*

The first few mails Harvey receives all look the same. Mike mostly talks about his travels, giving him brief impressions of what he's up to, never going into detail. Harvey stops expecting any answers to his questions, but doesn't stop asking them.

Mike never really says much at all. Most of his mails are short, two paragraphs at most, and he never tells Harvey how he is. He seems perfectly content just skipping from town to town as he makes his way through the States. Well, content may be an exaggeration – Harvey increasingly gets the impressions that he's just trying to absorb life to the fullest as he jumps at every opportunity presenting itself to him, but he doesn't exactly seem happy. What Harvey reads between the lines is rather a deep-sitting desperation to do as much as he can as goes from town to town, looking for something he can't seem to find.

It makes him wonder if Mike really was that unhappy with his life here, if it's something that only started recently, after Anita Gibbs and Danbury and the Rachel debacle, or if it's been there all along, right under his nose with Harvey being none the wiser.

The thing is, he was happy with Mike here. And he would have liked to think that Mike was, too. At least before everything went to hell. He did think that, but now he's not so sure anymore.

Mike never speaks a word about it, just continues informing Harvey about where he is. He writes from Los Angeles, Washington, Nashville, Cape Canaveral and, of course, Route 66. Harvey grows so used to receiving mails from all over the States that it catches him completely off guard when he gets a mail telling him that Mike has left the country.

He stares at the first line, swallowing hard as he forces himself to read on.

So, I'm not in the States anymore. Goodbye America, hello world! I went to the airport without any definite plans and was faced with the choice between Mexico and Australia. Guess which one I picked. There's not really much else to say since I only just arrived, so I'm keeping this short. Good day, mate!

Nothing more. Barely six lines telling him that Mike is now farther out of reach than ever.

Harvey sits back, running a hand over his face as he lets out a deep breath.

It's difficult not to put his entire life on hold for the duration of Mike's travels. It's impossible, of course, with his responsibilities and not knowing how long Mike is going to be away for anyway, if he is ever coming back at all (not a possibility Harvey likes to dwell on, but staring at the black letters in front of him, he can’t exactly help it).

Still, Mike is gone, and all Harvey can do is go on as if nothing happened, as if he isn't walking around with a part of him missing.

It shouldn't be as hard as it is. Harvey would hate that Mike left an undeniable hole where he used to be, but he resigned to the power he holds over him long ago.

The two thousand miles between them when Mike was still in the country already felt like too much. This? It feels immeasurable. The feeling of separation flooding him is unbearable, and Harvey has to get up and walk a few steps until the trepidation ceases. He stops in front of the windows, staring at the city's skyline below him as he fights for composure. Deep breaths, he reminds himself. Deep breaths. No reason to have a panic attack.

He has, of course, every reason, the feeling of abandonment and isolation threatening to swallow him up worse than ever, but Harvey has learned to keep it under control. He breathes until the grip of the trepidation eases, leaning his forehead against the window. The pane is cool, helping to ground him in the moment.

There’s no denying it. Mike's absence is haunting. Harvey tries to go on with his life, he really tries. Even though it's hard as hell not to drop everything and wait for him to come home. He does his best not to dwell on it, wondering how on earth he ended up pining after someone who was so happy to leave him. It seems that Mike will be gone for a while, and even if... when he returns, there is no guarantee he'll be a part of Harvey's life again. The thing that bound them together from the day they met is gone now. Maybe Mike will want to move on for real.

The thought creates a lump in his throat.

Don't dwell on it, he reminds himself. Don't goddamn dwell on it.

Easier said than done, that.

*

Harvey gets so used to Mike's short messages that he startles when his newest mail includes several paragraphs. Leaning in, he starts reading eagerly.

Hey Harvey! So after spending a few days in Melbourne I have now arrived in Sydney. Both great cities, a bit like the Australian version of New York, you know? I half expected to see you coming around the corner with a fancy suit on a kangaroo (just kidding, none of those around here). It's pretty cold, but I guess you're sweating right now. Can't say I'm sorry to miss that.

The people here are different than in New York, though. I've been staying with a nice family these last few days. The kids were hilarious, and they grow up so differently from the way we do. They already know all this stuff about nature and whatnot that I have no idea about. They were eager to teach me though, so if you ever need inside information on survival in Australia, hit me up. I'm your man.

It's still a city though, it's not like there's only nature here. I kind of want to see the Outback before I leave, but I want to go to Queensland next, stop by the Great Barrier Reef before we destroy that entirely. I can't wait to go diving there.

You know what's funny? I didn't spare a single thought for everything that happened until I sat in the car yesterday. I suppose long drives have that effect, getting you to think, don't they? This one song that came on probably didn't help either. “Why do fools fall in love”. Fitting, isn't it? Guess I haven't really dealt with all that yet, because it still really sucks. It was so goddamn foolish of me to think it could ever end well. And now I'm thousands of miles away from that and still moping because my relationship didn't work out. Really would have liked to leave that behind too.

Anyway. I'm rambling, and beautiful Sydney is waiting for me, so I'll cut this short. Sorry about the rant. You did say you wanted to know what was going on with me, though, so this is your fault ;)

Harvey releases a slow breath, reading over the last two paragraphs again before his eyes get stuck on the title of the song. Why do fools fall in love. Yeah, Harvey can relate to that. He's never acknowledged it to himself, not in those words, but deep down he's known that's what it is for a long time now. He has never felt about anyone the way he feels about Mike. And it's probably the most foolish thing he has ever done in his life, falling for this man who will never feel the same way about him. But there is nothing rational about it. Nothing Harvey could do to counteract. It just is, infuriating and bone-deep and overwhelming in its power. Harvey has always been helpless in the face of it. It's been so long for him that he's almost gotten used to it.

Mike wasn't supposed to feel like this, however. If Harvey couldn't, at least he should have had his happy ending. Even if it wasn't with him. And knowing Mike is hurting like this, the same way Harvey is day after day, only makes him feel worse.

Well, there is nothing he can really do about it. Nothing but set aside his own pain at knowing Mike is heartbroken because of someone else and be there for him in the only way he’s letting him right now.

He opens a new mail and starts typing.

Mike, I'm glad to hear you're enjoying yourself over there. If you start calling me mate unironically I'll smack you though, just a fair warning. From what I've seen, those two cities really are beautiful. Feel free to send me some pictures if you're taking any.

You're right, it's sweltering in New York right now. I'm pretty thankful for the expensive AC Jessica had built in at the office after the old one broke last summer. Remember that? 90 degrees inside. Even the blinds didn't keep the sun out. We were drenched. Those were some good days, though. It was hellish, yes, but we were that much more determined to work fast and get out of there quickly. I think we did some of our best work during that week. And it was fun, in a way. Kind of companionable, suffering together.

Look, I know it's not easy, a breakup like that. And it’s still fresh. I know where you're coming from, but hoping that it would work out with her wasn't foolish. Neither is being upset about the fact that it didn’t. You loved her. You thought you were going to spend your life with her. Of course it sucks. These things don't disappear overnight, Mike.

He exhales deeply, his fingers hovering over the keys as he searches for the right words. It should be easy; he knows all about that. Not that he's going to tell him that.

It doesn't mean that it won't get better in time, because it can. And I'm sure it will. And sometimes ranting about it is exactly the thing you need to make it so. Not that I've ever done anything like that, of course. I'm just saying, feel free to let it out. I'm here to listen.

Enjoy Sydney and the Great Barrier Reef for me. Also, since we're apparently making this a thing, I'll send you a song too. If you feel like wallowing to get it out of your system, listen to this.

He inserts a link to “Wish you were here” by Pink Floyd, then adds, You'll feel better, trust me. This isn't going to last forever.

Talk to you soon.

He only hesitates briefly before sending his reply, leaning back with a sigh. He made his offer as clear as he could without feeling like he'd scare Mike off by being too insistent. If he wants to talk about it, he's going to.

Harvey closes his mails, opening a new tab to play the song before he returns to his work.

*

“Harvey, Louis just called. He wants you to meet him twenty minutes earlier so you can discuss your strategy again.”

Harvey sighs, scowling at the intercom. “Fine. Whatever his majesty wishes. Will that work out with Burke?”

“Actually, it's going to be a tight squeeze. If you ask me, I'd better call and reschedule. That would mean that you can't file those docs before the weekend though, so I'd have to reschedule your meeting with Carla Connor as well, which wouldn’t be possible until... Thursday, next week. If she's available. Is that too late?”

Harvey runs a hand over his face, releasing a slow breath. While he used to thrive on work-related problems, he increasingly only finds them tiresome and downright exhausting. It seems that nothing ever works the way it should in this firm. It makes it impossible to work efficiently, and Harvey is weary of it, weary of the routine, of being stuck in a rut.

“It is, but I'll make it work,” he gives back, not bothering to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“I'll handle it,” is all Donna says. “Remember, two thirty, meet Louis in the lobby. You’ll have your updated schedule in five. Oh, and Jessica's heading for your office right this second.”

That last part is all the warning Harvey gets before Jessica strides into the room, a folder in her hand that Harvey eyes warily.

“Jessica,” he greets her. “What can I do for you?”

“You can tell me how the case I asked you to handle is coming along.”

“I'm handling it. You'll get results by tomorrow at the latest.”

She nods. “Good. Because we have a problem, and I need you to focus on it as soon as you're done with that.”

Harvey exhales deeply, holding out his hand wordlessly. He skims the file she gives him, then shuts it and drops it on his desk where he won't have to look at it again for the foreseeable future.

“Don't worry about this. I'll deal with it.”

“I'm counting on it.”

She then narrows her eyes, tilting her head. “Are you alright?”

“Of course. Why wouldn't I be?”

Jessica gives him a deprecating look. “Harvey, don't try to fool me. I know you. I haven't said anything so far, but I know that something is up with you. You seem... distant.”

And isn't that ironic? Harvey's lips curl up in a weak impression of a smile. “I'm right here,” he says, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Jessica regards him, then steps closer to lean on his desk.

“Don't think I haven't noticed that all this started around the time that Mike was released from prison. I know about the breakup, and I also know that Rachel hasn't heard from Mike since. You haven't talked about him since then, and since he’s usually your favorite topic, I can put two and two together.” The corner of her mouth lifts. “Don't think I’m unaware of what's happening in my firm. Now, whatever it is that's going on with Mike Ross or his sudden disappearance that has you in this state, I want you to do something about it before it starts affecting your work.”

She straightens, adding, “I'm worried about you, Harvey. Not just as your boss, as your friend.”

“I'm fine,” he replies automatically. “Not that there's anything I can do about Mike, but it's not affecting my work and it's not affecting me, so stop worrying.”

That last bit is a blatant lie, but Jessica lets him get away with it.

“Let me know how that’s going,” she just says, pointing at the folder when he lifts an eyebrow.

“Sure thing, boss,” Harvey mutters, waiting until she turns to leave before he sinks back into his chair, closing his eyes.

The truth is, he feels like he's barely keeping his head over water with everything that’s going on at the office and Mike. And he meant what he said, it's not going to affect his work, but sometimes it's really damn hard to keep it that way.

He sits up, reluctant to get back to it. He sucks his lip in, then checks his mails against better judgment.

No new messages. He expected nothing else, but the disappointment is still bitter in his mouth. He swivels towards the windows, staring at the view outside without seeing anything. He wonders where Mike is right now, if he's still in Australia and what he's doing there. If he's alright. If he's thinking of Harvey sometimes, if he misses him too, even a little.

Maybe it's better not to know. Still, Harvey can’t help but wonder.

Mike still sounds sad and angry in his mails, an underlying tone of aggression or frustration accompanying them that worries him more than he cares to admit. It's frustrating, having to make assumptions based on a few written lines instead of getting to see and assess Mike for himself.

But if the alternative is just silence, then he’ll take this any day. Harvey tries not to dwell on it. He has more than enough work to do anyway, he doesn't have time to obsess over Mike.

Doesn't mean he isn't still doing it, but that is neither here nor there.

*

It is not long after Harvey cursed his routine that he wishes he'd appreciated it while it lasted.

Because Jessica leaves, and suddenly nothing is as it was.

As if his life hasn't been turned upside down enough times recently.

It feels like barely any time passes after the surprising announcement before her actual departure, and the few days in between are so packed and emotional that Harvey actually wishes he could focus on Mike's problems again instead of what’s going on, because dealing with his heartbreak was hard, but it was still easier than handling his own.

Jessica moves, and it's not just Harvey's mentor who leaves him. It's also his oldest friend, his confidante, his partner in crime. She leaves him with a heart in shambles and the firm in his hands, and now Harvey is not just missing Mike, now there are two people he always relied on, the two people closest to him in the world, who have both decided to leave him behind.

Additionally, he is now responsible for the firm and all its employees.

Harvey feels like he can barely breathe under the pressure of it. His panic attacks make a flashing comeback, but that isn't even the worst of his problems right now. He has both hands full with keeping his head over water, falling into bed at ungodly hours every night only to wake up feeling less rested than before, all the while trying to deal with the losses still sitting tightly in his chest.

In moments like these, the yearning to see Mike, to just be able to talk to him, nearly overwhelms him.

It feels like Mike has been gone forever. He hasn't heard from him in over a week, and while reading his mail has offered a short relief, he desperately craves more. He barely found the time to send a quick reply to his last message and, having no idea how to put the situation into a few words, did not bring Jessica up at all.

Which has the unpleasant side effect that everything that’s going on is being bottled up, closing up his throat and slowly suffocating him from the inside. His fingers twitch with the desire to open his laptop and send Mike a message constantly, but the time is never right, and in the rare event that Harvey has a spare moment, he has no idea how to put any of this into words anyway. Where to even start.

It takes him almost another week before he finally decides to write. It's late when he gets home from the office. Another day of pretending he has the upper hand lest anyone notice how much he is actually struggling has left its mark on him, and he only takes his tie and his jacket off before he sinks into the cushions of his sofa with a deep sigh. His eyes fall on the laptop on the table, and he impulsively reaches for it, opening a new mail before he consciously decides on doing so.

Taking a deep breath, he starts typing.

Mike, I know it's not my turn to write, but then again, when have I ever abided by the rules? I hope you're well, wherever you are. I don't know where it took you after your latest adventure, but I'd love to join you there right now. Get away from everything for a while. But that would have been pretty much impossible before, and it's definitely out of the question now. The firm is kind of in my hands. Well, mine and Louis'. Because Jessica left. For good.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. Still can't, if I'm honest. But she's gone, and I practically live at the office trying to deal with the aftermath, so unfortunately there is no pretending that this isn't actually happening.

Can you believe it? A problem I can't handle? Well, I am handling it, it's not like I've given up or anything. I just really wish I didn't have to. Jessica left because she and Jeff reconciled, and after everything that happened here she felt like it was time to move on. So she did. To goddamn Chicago.

It's not that I'm not happy for her, because I am. I want her to have everything good in her life, because she gave me pretty much everything good in mine. But it also feels like being abandoned in a way, being left behind like that. And I'll admit that it's been really fucking hard, dealing with this entire thing. It's not just that the work is outgrowing me (and you know how much I hate admitting that). It's that my oldest friend and mentor is leaving me behind and I have to go on like nothing happened, like it doesn't mean a thing to me. I never knew how much I relied on having Jessica here. It's not that I ran to her constantly, asking for advice, but I always knew that I could, you know? I always knew that my friend was there to have my back if I needed it. And now that she's gone and I can't see her anymore I kind of feel like the ground has been swept out from under my feet. I guess this is just part of life, isn't it? People leave, and you have to deal with it. Well, I'm trying to. It’s just goddamn hard.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you. How are you? Where are you right now? Last I heard from you, you were just back from the Outback. I hope some spider didn't get you after all.

Harvey hits send, staring at the screen before he closes his laptop. It may not have changed anything, and god knows when Mike will actually read his message, but just knowing that he will at one point already takes a weight off his shoulders.

*

Harvey feels better when he opens his eyes the next morning. He looks in the mirror as he fixes his tie, giving himself a determined nod before diving into the chaos that currently dictates his life. And it's alright. As slow and painful a process as it is, he feels like he's regaining at least some semblance of control. Louis and he have a fight, and once they work it out things get easier. Harvey has another panic attack, but it's at home this time and he tries not to beat himself up about it and see it as progress instead.

Mike doesn't respond until a few days later. Harvey can smell his bad conscience from a mile away when he sees the empty subject line.

From: [email protected]

Shit, Harvey. That's certainly a message I wasn’t expecting. I am so, so sorry it's taken me this long to reply. How are things right now? Are you holding up alright? God, I wish I could be there right now. I can't believe Jessica's gone. Guess that's another thing I can jot down as my legacy, huh? Though it's probably not just because of what I did to the firm. And I'm happy for her, I hope she finds happiness with Jeff in Chicago. I just can't really wrap my head around the fact that she's left the firm. It’s probably a lot worse for you, though.

I can only imagine what it must feel like to be left behind. And I'm realizing that I've pretty much done the same thing to you, haven't I? I may not be what Jessica is to you, but I never stopped to think what my leaving would mean for you. I'm sorry about that. I don't think it would have changed anything except maybe make it harder for me to go, but now I feel terrible that I never even considered it.

Anyway, I hope you're doing okay. I don't know if it's any help at all, but if you need to vent, feel free to. I'll always be here to listen, even if it's delayed.

Harvey presses his lips together, trying to suppress the small smile that’s tugging at his lips. He has a ton of things to do, but he still sinks into his chair, reading the message again before he opens a new mail and starts typing a reply.

Yeah, can't say that I saw it coming either. Which I guess is exactly why it hit me so hard. Things at the firm are still chaotic, but then again, when are they not? Louis and I have pulled ourselves together and we now have something that's almost a working system. It takes time, but we're holding up alright. As for me personally, I'm okay. Better, definitely. It's still an adjustment, Jessica being gone, and I think it will take a lot more getting used to, but I'm getting there. She's not disappeared from the face of the earth after all. By now I should be used to long-distance friendships, right?

Which brings me right to it. Don't feel bad about not being here right now, Mike, and don't feel bad for having left. It's what you needed to do, and I don't blame you for that. You had to get away. I understand that. I played no part in that decision, and I didn't expect to. I don’t want you to feel guilty about doing something you needed to do for yourself, so stop worrying. (Also, you may not be what Jessica is to me, but you are Mike to me. Don't think that's less important in any way.)

As for you replying late, it's alright. You're not obligated to hold my hand when things are tough. I do wish I could talk to you, really talk, yeah, but I'll live.

Enough about me now. You left out your little travel log. Where are you? What are you doing? Is everything alright with you? Tell me everything you want to share.

PS: It does help. More than you think.

Before he can overthink it, Harvey hits send. Things are still rough, it's true, but he's managing. Mike doesn't need to know what a close call it is sometimes, but overall he’s alright. He misses Mike like a limb, and it still hurts that Jessica is gone, but Harvey is a big boy and he takes it, whether he feels like he can or not. At least Jessica is still reachable on her phone. And Mike, Mike may be distant, but Harvey still knows that he's out there somewhere. That he's still his friend. And that has to be enough.

He chooses to focus on that instead of dwelling on Mike's absence and tries not to feel the sting of abandonment when a few days pass and Mike still hasn't written back once.

*

Harvey is woken abruptly by his ringing phone. He blinks at the ceiling, entirely disorientated before he has fought his way through the heavy layers of sleep.

A glance at the clock tells him that it's almost four in the morning. He fell into bed only two hours ago and feels like he slept even less than that. He grabs his phone, glancing at the unknown number before picking up.

“Who the fuck is this and do you have any idea what time it is?”

“Harvey? Woah, hey, it's Mike!”

Harvey sits up with a start.

“Mike?” he asks, disbelieving, his fingers tightening around the phone.

“Yeah, it's me!”

Harvey's heart pounds in his chest. “Are you alright?”

He sounds alright, a little more than that, probably fortified by a drink or two by the sound of it, but Harvey still has to make sure. The instinct to worry about Mike never quite dies down, even if they are separated by an ocean or two. Especially then.

“Yeah, I'm great! What about you?”

Harvey blinks at his wall. “You're calling me at four in the morning to ask if I'm alright?”

“Right, yeah, sorry about that. Look, I'm at this party right now and I was telling this guy about you, and how I'd love to be able to talk to you, and he offered to let me use his phone because his sister lives in the States and he has a flat rate. So, here I am!”

Harvey listens breathlessly, the sound of Mike's voice after such a long time making his stomach flutter. He couldn't care less about the guy and his sister, but Mike talking to someone about him at a party? About how much he wants to talk to him, no less?

He licks his lips before saying, “This is a great surprise. I'm so glad to hear from you. It's so good to hear your voice, Mike.”

He didn't mean to say it, but it's true. He pulls the duvet back, getting out of bed as he pads to the window.

Mike chuckles, and the line rustles before he says, “It's good to hear your voice too, Harvey. But seriously, how are you? How are things?”

“Good,” Harvey tells him, because in that moment they are better than they have been since the moment Mike showed up on his doorstep. He glances outside, his eyes catching on the few stars visible across the sky. “Yeah, things are good. I'm fine. Better. Did you read my mail?”

“Yeah, I couldn't reply yet, but hopefully I'll get to it in the next few days.”

“That's alright. Now I know you're still alive, after all. You’re okay too, right? Where are you right now?”

“I'm great, don't worry about me. I'm in Canberra, have been for the past... what was it, three days? Four?” Someone calls something in the background and Mike laughs. “Yeah, we've been having a bit of an ongoing party here. Kinda hard to keep track of time. I think I'll move on in a day or two, once I've recovered from this one.” He laughs when someone says something again, then shushes them. “Hey, this is important, okay? I'm talking to someone. Yes. Yes.”

Harvey's lips twitch. “Sounds like you're in demand.”

“Nah, they're just teasing me.”

“About me?”

“Uh, yeah.” Mike clears his throat. “They're nice and all, but they can be real idiots. Think it's funny to... never mind. Hey, hold on a second, alright?”

There's a beat of silence, so long that Harvey almost thinks the line went dead, but then Mike is there again, his voice louder this time. “Okay, I stepped outside for a minute. Listen, I gotta keep this short, but I wanted to know how you're doing and you said you'd like to talk to me, so, yeah.”

“I did. I'm glad you called, Mike. Thank you.”

“Of course. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there for you sooner. I've been a shitty friend, and I know one call can't redeem that-”

“You've been busy taking care of yourself, there's nothing shitty about that,” Harvey interrupts.

“You'd feel bad, if the roles were reversed,” Mike points out. “In fact, you'd never have let it get that far. You've always been there for me when I needed it.” He clears his throat again. “Guess I'm just trying to return the favor now. Better late than never, right?”

Harvey swallows. “Well. It's a good start.”

There's a beat of silence as they both just listen to the other breathing.

“Where are you staying right now?” Harvey asks, mostly just to hear his voice again, not ready to let this conversation end even though he knows it’s inevitable. He wants to enjoy it just a little longer. “Who are your friends? They sound like fun, from what I can tell.”

“Oh, they are. I wouldn't be staying at their house if they weren't. I'm living with this couple right now, I met them in a bar and we've been getting along great. They throw these massive parties where basically all of their friends come from all over Australia, so I’ve been meeting lots of people that way. They're all cool.”

“Sounds great. How’s that, staying with a couple?”

“Oh, they are alright. It doesn't bother me or anything, if that's what you mean. I'm moving on from that.”

“Good. That sounds good.”

“Yeah.” Mike pauses, then continues, “Listen, I gotta go. Uh, it's really late for you, sorry again about that, and I should let you catch a few more hours of sleep. You can probably use them. Work must be hell right now.”

Harvey wants to say that it's fine, that he would gladly sacrifice every single hour of sleep if it meant he got to talk to Mike for longer, but he swallows the words down, nodding even though he can't see it. “It's okay. Thank you for calling, Mike. I mean it. Really.”

“No problem at all. Hey, it's been really good to hear your annoying voice again.”

Harvey huffs out a quiet laugh, the first one in what feels like forever. “Yeah, I've missed you too, you dick.”

“Yeah.” Mike sounds like he is smiling, and then says, “Well, gotta go. Bye, Harvey! Have a good night.”

Harvey chuckles. “Yeah, you too. Bye, Mike.”

And with that the line clicks and goes dead.

Harvey lowers the phone when Mike has ended the call, staring at the display showing the length of their call before it goes black.

Their conversation barely lasted four minutes. The connection was bad and Mike was probably a little drunk and he didn't really say much at all, but it was Mike. Mike, who called because Harvey asked him to. No, he didn't even ask. He just mentioned that he'd like to talk to him.

Harvey looks up at the stars and grins. Mike's voice echoes in his ears, and even though he’s not here, he knows that he is somewhere out there, looking up to see the same sky as him.

*

Harvey wakes up feeling like hell the next morning, the lack of sleep taking its toll on him, but a smile passes over his face as soon as the memories of last night return. He talked to Mike. Mike called him because he thought Harvey could use it, because he wanted to let him know that he is still there for him.

He grabs his phone, typing out a quick mail before he gets out of bed to face the day.

Thank you for calling last night. All this emotional stuff isn’t easy for me, and knowing that you have my back and support me really means a lot. I hope you enjoyed the party and that you’re having a good day. Talk to you soon!

He hears back from Mike a few days later when he receives a new mail with the subject “That's what friends are for”.

No problem at all, Harvey. Really. It was my pleasure, I'm glad if it helped at all, and if I'm honest it was good for me too, talking to you :)

I'm glad you and Louis figured out a way to work things out. If anyone can do it, it's you. As for me, I've just landed in Singapore. Australia has been great, but it’s time for something new. I can't wait to explore Asia. I haven't seen much apart from the airport so far, but I wanted to find a computer with internet to reply to you first. I'm heading out as soon as I send this, but I'll check back in with you in a bit! I hope you're doing okay and things are still looking up. Now I gotta run, though. The road leads ever on... See you!

PS: Song for the day is in the subject line, since this is a thing we’re doing. Enjoy listening ;)

The text blurs before his eyes as Harvey rereads the words. The road leads ever on. It really seems to. Mike has been gone for almost three months now. So far he has shown no signs of wanting to return, and Harvey itches to ask if the road will road ever lead him back home. Back to him.

He doesn't ask, instead opening a new tab with the song before reading the mail again. His eyes catch on Mike telling him that it was good for him to talk to him as well. He smiles to himself, pressing his lips together before he starts typing his reply.

It occurs to him, not for the first time, that he could get on a plane right now and fly to wherever Mike is. He could. He's not going to for several reasons, but he could. And that in itself is a comfort.

*

Harvey, don't think I don't know you're purposefully omitting how you are. I may be several thousand miles away from you, but you still can’t evade my questions. How are you? And how's Jessica? I'd ask you to tell her I said hi, but I'm not sure she would appreciate it.

I arrived in Singapore two nights ago. I met this woman at the airport, she's passing through as well and there was a bit of a mess with our luggage so we had plenty of time to get to know each other. She asked me where I was from and we kind of got talking from there. Actually, she asked me where I was at home, and that particular phrasing has kind of stuck with me since. I keep thinking about that. Home. What is home, really? I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Not anymore, anyway. What is it to you, Harvey? Is it a place? A person? Or is it just an abstract concept human beings invented to feel better about their sad lives?

Anyway, Naoko and I have kind of paired up since then. We've been sharing rooms and exploring the city together (and before you ask, no, there’s nothing going on there. We’re just friends.). It's kind of fun, not traveling on my own again after so long. We're heading out for lunch now so I gotta go, but I'll check back for your reply with the 411 on your wellbeing (yeah, still haven't forgotten about that)!

PS – Song of the day: Waiting for a girl like you...

Harvey huffs, shaking his head.

Well, I wasn't going to ask that, but now that you brought it up I'm thinking you are more than friends after all. (I did mention I don't want to hear about your bed adventures, didn't I?) But in all seriousness, Mike, you should go for it if the opportunity arises. You're a free man. You're out there to experience things and live your life. So live it.

His lips twist as he types, but he forces the words out anyway. He may hate the idea of Mike having sex with anyone, but he hates the idea of Mike being unhappy more, and moving on from Rachel will be good for him.

Since you insist on me talking about my feelings – is that a thing we're doing now? Well, you've always done that, so I suppose I might as well return the favor – I am fine, Mike. Honestly. I've had a rough patch, yes, but I really do feel like I have come out on the other side of it. No panic attacks lately. I've gotten almost six hours of sleep every night this week too. Things aren't great, but they aren't terrible either and they are loads better than they were. So, don't worry about me. I'm indestructible, you should know that by now. I always find my way back. The firm is still in full play and Louis and I haven't yet killed each other, so I'm carefully optimistic. Things are alright. By the way, since you wanted to know, Jessica is doing splendidly. She's still practicing law, just not here anymore. I'll let her know you said hi (and really? The times where she got a rash from hearing your name alone are long over).

He starts a new paragraph, reading Mike's text again. His fingers hover over the keys as he searches for the right words, but they won't come. He stares at the blinking text cursor until his vision blurs, then drops his hands and leans back with a sigh, opening a new tab to listen to the song Mike sent him.

The music has become something of a tradition by now. Harvey types the name into the search bar, then grabs his phone while he listens to download it right away. That has become something of a tradition too. If he has a playlist on his phone with all the songs he and Mike have been exchanging that he sometimes listens to when he misses him too much, well, nobody is there to call him out on it.

Harvey purses his lips, his eyes skimming the mail Mike sent him again while he thinks. He's glad Mike has started actually replying to him. It almost feels like having a conversation with him now. A very delayed, impersonal conversation from halfway across the world perhaps, but it's something. It’s the only lifeline he has some days.

Which is precisely why finding the right words is so hard now. If they only get to talk this little, Harvey wants to make it count. And Mike is too important to be fobbed off with cheap platitudes. He wants what he tells him to be the truth. A truth that matters.

It takes Harvey a while to compose a reply.

It doesn't surprise me that you're thinking about the concept of home. I do, too. It's an interesting question, what it actually is or how we can define it. While I'm sure that some people would just name a house or the place where they sleep, I think it's a bit more complicated than that. More complex. I think, ideally, it’s a mix of a place and the people that are there. It's also a feeling, isn't it? Maybe it's the feeling you get when you're with the right people in the right place. I guess that's home. Or that's what it's supposed to be.

Anyway, enjoy Singapore with your friend. Let me know what you’re up to! Since it's kind of appropriate I’m leaving this song for you, but I have a feeling it's too late for that...

He inserts a link to “Don't talk to Strangers” by Rick Springfield, then reads over his mail again.

It's a very personal answer. It almost feels like too much, too revealing, but this is Mike, so Harvey sends the reply and closes his laptop. He doesn't check how far Singapore is from New York. That way only lies madness.

Mike's reply comes sooner than he expected, almost as if he was waiting for Harvey's mail. His phone pings with the notification the following night, and Harvey drops the book he was about to open when he sees the familiar address, ignoring the way his heart starts beating faster.

Re: One Night in Bangkok

So guess where we are ;) It'll be more than one night, but we only just got here so the song still fits. I'll say it again, Naoko and I don't have anything physical going on and we're not going to start. Which doesn't mean I haven't been enjoying myself or 'living my life' (this time you brought it up, so don't blame me!). There have been people. I’m still looking for the real thing, but that's okay. I’ve got nothing but time, right?

So Asia's been pretty fun so far. I don't know if that's because the continent is just that amazing (which it is!) or because I have good company, probably both, but I'm really enjoying myself. One thing I have to say though is that the food is totally different. You think you know Asian cuisine, but the stuff they serve us in the States? Totally not authentic. I think my taste buds are slowly getting accustomed to the spicy food. When I get back I'll have to cook you some real Asian dishes. Naoko has been teaching me a few tricks, so you may want to start getting used to hot spices ;)

I'm glad you're doing better. Take care of yourself when things get rough again, alright? And if they do, let me know. I'm there. If not physically, then always in spirit.

Also, that's an interesting definition of home you have there. I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have something like that? A home like that, I mean? I guess it's pretty clear that I'm not sure about mine right now. If I even have one. Sure, I grew up in New York and I considered it home pretty much all my life, but now? I do think about it, but it still hurts and I don't know if that's ever going to stop. Of course I miss some things. I miss the pulse of the city, that rhythm you somehow know by heart, that you're instinctively part of. I miss some of the people. I miss the life I had. But I know that if I came back now, things would never be the same again anyway.

Of course they wouldn't. Mike lost his job, his fiancée, his dream. He doesn't even have an apartment anymore. He would have to start over from scratch, and while the mere idea scares Harvey shitless, he has to admit that it wouldn't be that far-fetched for Mike to want to start over somewhere else.

He doesn't know what he would do then, and so he stubbornly refuses to even entertain the idea.

He doesn't get to reply until later that night, and when he does, the words are hard and easy at once.

Mike, I think we're past the point of not being able to pose the questions we want to. You know that you can always ask me anything. If I'll reply is another matter, but I can positively say that there isn't much I wouldn't tell you.

As for your question, it's difficult to answer, and not because I don't want to. Rather because the answer is something I don't really know myself. I think I used to. Have that, I mean. And I think that maybe I didn't know it, or didn't want to acknowledge it for several reasons, until it was too late. I still feel at home here in New York, but I know there’s something missing. Guess that makes two semi-homeless people of us, huh?

I won't ask you when you're coming home (or whatever New York is to you now), but I hope you know that I'm waiting for you and your spicy food. My door is still open, always will be. You’ll always have a home here, if you want it. I can't promise it's the same as it used to be, I can't replace Rachel and I can't undo what happened, but it would be a place you can come back to, with someone there who's waiting for you. It wouldn't be the same, but it would be something.

This isn't me trying to persuade you to come back before you're ready. It's just me telling you that I'll be here when you do.

Before I go, here's today's song - “My Hometown” by Bruce Springsteen. Enjoy listening.

He can barely believe the words bleeding out of his fingertips, but he only hesitates briefly before he hits send. They may be loaded and emotional and entirely too revealing, but they are fundamentally true. And Mike needs to know that, even if it's at the cost of Harvey baring himself up. There isn't much he wouldn't do for him, after all. Opening up to him like this? Child’s play.

Mike’s next reply arrives fairly soon again. Harvey suspects that Naoko has a phone or tablet or something that he uses, and while the thought of Mike with that woman stings despite his repeated insistence that they are only friends, the more frequent contact isn’t something he’d want to miss.

Hey! I only got a few minutes, but I wanted to send you a quick mail because I don't know when I'll get the chance again. Thank you for being honest. I know it's not easy for you, talking about these things, and I appreciate that you're making an exception to your no-emotions-rule for me.

As for coming back – not yet. I will eventually, but not yet. Thank you for what you said, though. About me always having a home with you. I'll make sure to remember it :)

Song! To keep it in kind, “Born to Run” by the very same. Not forever. But for now.

Harvey swallows, shaking his head. If Mike still doesn’t know that he is the exception to all his rules, he really doesn’t know what to tell him.

*

Harvey expected some time to pass before hearing from Mike again.

He didn't expect him not to write for two whole weeks. Harvey isn’t going up the walls, but it’s a close goddamn thing. Just when he felt like they were getting closer Mike has disappeared from the face of the earth, and Harvey has absolutely no way to reach him or make sure that he's okay.

Harvey has almost grown used to the hole in his chest he left behind when he took off all those weeks ago, the yearning a constant part of his day he just has to work around. With the small points of contact gone he feels like he's been cut loose, the hole growing steadily with the magnitude of his yearning.

It takes nineteen days for his phone to notify him that he has a new mail (he may or may not have set Mike's address to high priority).

Re: Eat Pray Love is a scam

Hey Harvey! Sorry I disappeared for a while. I've been on the path to enlightenment, if you can believe it. I'm about to leave Tibet. Okay, I didn't exactly find enlightenment, but that's what's supposed to happen when you spend time with monks, right? It's just me again now, Naoko and I parted ways after Bangkok. It's been strange, being by myself again, but that's life, isn't it?

So, the monks. I figured, well, if I'm a white guy in Tibet already, I gotta do the full experience. The monks are no substitute for therapy, certainly, but I've been figuring out some things at least. Thinking about stuff. I realized I haven't exactly been a great friend, for example. Not that I have many friends, but I've been thinking about you, especially, and how I just left and wasn't there when you needed me after all the times you were there for me. You already told me not to apologize for that, but I still want to. So, I'm sorry. Also, I've been kind of a dick, haven't I? In general, but also in these mails. I was pretty brusque in the beginning, I know that. I didn't mean to be, I was just so caught up in myself that I never stopped to think about how that must have come across. I don't know why you still put up with me after all that, after everything, really, but, well. I'm glad you do. And I'm glad I realized I've been an ass. I'll do better from now on, promise. You deserve that. At least that's one enlightenment I had.

God, this is probably the most cliched thing you will ever hear from me. I moved on after the monks because like I said, I didn't really find what I was looking for, but some of it still stuck with me.

I've been thinking a lot about Rachel, too. About what she was to me and what she should have been, and I've begun to realize that those two aren't really the same thing. They never were, if I'm honest. You know what the strange thing was about that life I had? It was real, but at the same time I felt like nothing ever was. I was so caught up in it, Harvey. I chased the things I wanted and never thought twice about it. I saw something I liked and suddenly it was everything, all because I was so high on the surreality of it all, my whole life. Sure, I was scared of being caught, but if I didn't think about it no one else would either, right? I guess deep down, in some part of me, I always knew it was fickle, that there was no way this whole thing was going to last, and so I wanted everything I could have while it still did. I wanted Rachel, and when she wanted me too I thought, this is it. This is right.

Well, it wasn't.

I did love her. Part of me always will. But I've finally admitted to myself that it was never the way it should have been. And while that's not an easy confession to make, I think it’s a necessary one for me to... I don't know, move on and be at peace with the way things are. A lot of things. It's liberating, in a way. To admit that it was never meant to be in the first place. That we were pretending all along. I think I'm finally at a point where I can stop lying to myself and start being honest, about everything. Even the things that hurt me, even those I can't change. I guess I needed that to feel real again. True to myself.

Anyway. While I'm still waiting for the big enlightenment, it's been good to finally get to this point. Even though it only happened after hours of failed meditation and tea and reflection on the meaning of life and all that. Since that didn't really work out for me, I think I'll continue my search for the truth elsewhere. The road is calling...

Two songs today. The first is “Hard to say I'm sorry” by Chicago. The second is, yep, you guessed that right, “What's love got to do with it.” I'll talk to you soon, Harvey!

Harvey's stomach prickles as he reads Mike's words again and again.

It was never the way it should have been.

His eyes catch on that single phrase, and he swallows, resisting the morbid urge to laugh. All this time he spent envying Rachel. All this time he hated the fact that she was the love of Mike's life instead of him.

Turns out that she never was.

And Harvey may never take the place she was supposed to have in Mike's life, but it's him Mike is still talking to, him he is opening up to, him Mike apologized to and called in the middle of the night and came to before he left.

Harvey sits back, taking a deep breath. He’s smiling when he starts his reply.

Mike, I cannot believe you right now. Monks? Meditation? Who are you and what have you done to my guy? You're practically a walking cliché.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way, I'm glad you enjoyed Tibet and that you got some time to think about things. Sounds like you needed it.

I can't say I saw this coming, what you told me about Rachel. It makes sense, though. I don't think I ever really stopped to consider how our secret affected you apart from the obvious, which is a stupid mistake in hindsight. I'm sorry things had to go so wrong for you to realize that. I hope that you can still cherish the good parts that came out of it, and if you can't right now, that maybe you will one day. You and Rachel may not have been right for each other, but you had some good times nevertheless.

I had no idea you were feeling this way about your life, but I guess it's not really surprising. I'm just sorry I never realized the strain our secret was putting on you. I know it took two, but I should have thought about that before. I should have thought about a lot of things. I guess I can only say that for all the pain it caused you, I still can't bring myself to regret doing this with you. Not if it means that you’re part of my life now.

Also, for the record, you aren't and never have been a bad friend to me. On the contrary. You've been there for me more than anyone else and you're thousands of miles away right now. You've been having a rough time lately, and I don’t blame you for that. Friends understand these things. Still, I appreciate that you feel like you have to apologize. It's accepted, now stop beating yourself up about it. We're fine. We've been through a lot worse and we're still here, aren't we?

Well, this got very deep very fast, but in my defense, you started with that pseudo-enlightenment nonsense. Thank you for telling me about your thoughts, though, in all seriousness. It can't have been an easy thing to come to terms with, and I do appreciate that you're sharing it with me.

Have fun wherever you go next! Here's a song for you: “Lean on Me.” Because like I said, there's nothing to apologize for.

He closes his laptop after sending his reply, but it takes him a long time before he can bring himself to go back to work. Even then Mike’s words echo in his head all evening.

*
“Well, it was about time,” Harvey mutters. He puts down his cup of coffee, opening the new mail from Mike sitting in his inbox.

Re: To France!

Goodbye Asia. Hello Europe! Finally.

So, I'm not actually in France (yet!), but I've left Asia and am now on European ground. Sweden, to be precise. I passed through Norway the last few days, making a stop in Kristiansand, Trondheim, Bodo, Haugesund, and Oslo, of course. What an incredibly beautiful place. Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I've only seen two countries so far and it's already been so much, so many impressions to process. I think I'm gonna love Europe. It's been a bit of a shock, how cold it is here compared to where I've been the last few weeks. I can't believe it's October already. I left New York in spring. It's insane how quickly time passes. Anyway, I met a group of really nice people and just tagged along for a while before parting ways with them. They were four students touring the country and they were so much fun. They stayed in Oslo, though, while I moved on to Sweden. Now it's just me again. I'm in Uppsala right now, but I heard there's a big party happening tonight (it's a student's city, I guess there's always a party somewhere) so I might go, meet some new people. I already visited Stockholm, but I wanna head south to Gotland, Malmö and Ystad next. Swedish is really funny, so different from English. I've been picking up a few words here and there (even though my pronunciation is abysmal). Otherwise I'm doing pretty good, just got myself some coffee and a cinnamon bun to go before finding this internet cafe. You ever had Swedish cinnamon buns? They are so different from the American ones, less sweet, but super rich in flavor and just plain awesome. I'm gonna have to get a bag or five for the road once I leave the country!

Now, since we've gotten so good at talking about our feelings: How are you holding up, Harvey? Really. The firm still running? I googled you just now, and it was really strange seeing Jessica's picture gone from the website. What else is going on in your life? I never asked. I'm gonna go and grab another cinnamon bun now, but I'll talk to you soon!

Harvey scoffs, his stomach rumbling at the mention of those cinnamon buns. He had to skip lunch today yet again and hasn't yet had dinner, instead reading Mike's new mail as soon as he got home.

Mike, I haven't had a cinnamon bun in about three years and I’ve definitely never had a Swedish one, but if you keep waxing poetry like that about them I'm gonna have to find one somewhere. I'm glad you had a good time in Norway. Sweden is supposed to be beautiful too, so enjoy it! Any idea where you’re headed next once you’re done with Scandinavia?

I'm still fine, thank you for asking. More stressed than I’d like to be, but it's alright. The firm’s still running, so all the effort I put in at least isn't in vain. It's still strange that Jessica is gone, believe me. Her name is still on the wall, but her absence is everywhere. We talk on the phone every so often, though. In a way I think it even brought us closer. We talk about things we never used to discuss before now. I guess it’s a conscious effort to stay part of each other's lives. It's working out so far, which I'm glad about. It's kind of the same with us, isn't it? Maybe you sometimes need that sort of distance to realize what you have. What's important. Anyway, since my life has pretty much consisted of keeping the firm alive, trying to find common ground with Louis, and reading your mails whenever I get any lately, there's not much else to report. I've had some family troubles, but those have been dealt with. Jessica's departure brought up some very old stuff for me, but it's alright now. I've made my peace with it at last. I even talked to my mother, can you imagine? We more or less made up and started over. We'll never have a great relationship, but it's better than I thought it could be. Otherwise it's just same old, same old. You're the one with the exciting stories to tell, the rest of us is just going on with our lives. But I see you're still happy on the road, and I'm glad you are. So here's a song for you: “The Road Goes Ever On”. Now fly, you fool. I'll talk to you soon.

While Mike may not have noticed all the time that passed since he left, Harvey has felt every second of it acutely. It seems like forever since he last saw him, and the fact that he doesn't know when he will get to see him again only makes it worse. It's incredible, how he can feel the time passing like a physical sensation while Mike is out there with no regard for it at all.

At least he really seems to be enjoying himself, since his next mail opens with, Europe. Is. Amazing.

You ever been? It occurred to me when I arrived in the Ukraine that I never even asked where you’ve traveled before. I think it would be fun, discovering new places with you. You would probably be super picky about everything and judge the countries based on one city and insist on sleeping in five star hotels while secretly having a blast. I, for one, definitely am. I went to Finland, Estonia, and Lithuania before coming here, and I'm just amazed by how diverse this continent is. How many cultures and countries there are so close to each other. It's absolutely incredible. You know how when you're in America, you drive 500 miles and you're still in the same state? You do the same thing in Europe and you've seen half a dozen different countries. I think I'm just going to stop everywhere I can while I'm here. I'll stay in the Ukraine until Friday, and after that, who knows what's next? I have what feels like the whole world at my fingertips and all I gotta do is reach out. It's almost too much, in the sense that you can’t decide where to even start. I think I'll head to Moldova next before moving on to Romania and Hungary. Poland is also right around the corner, and from there it's really not far to Germany... you see, I'm pretty busy. Sweden really was incredibly beautiful, by the way. You should definitely go there one day. If you need a tour guide, I'm totally up for showing you around ;) There's still a lot I haven't seen myself, after all. But you know how it is. The road leads ever on...

As for you, it's totally understandable that you're stressed, Harvey. Something would be seriously wrong with you if you weren't. I know you think it's a sign of weakness, but it's not. It's just human. I'm glad to hear you and Jessica are staying in touch, and that you’re even talking more now. Weird how these things turn out, right? I certainly feel like we are quite a bit closer than we were before, and we already were pretty close. At least it felt that way to me. I was pretty surprised to read about your mother, but I'm glad it's dealt with and it's alright now. You say that I'm the one with the exciting stories, but you have a lot going on as well, it seems. Just because you're living an ordinary life doesn't make it not special. I just mean, I'm interested in hearing about what’s going on in your life. If you want to share it with me, that is.

Also, Lord of the Rings? Really? Are you actually a nerd? Like, a full-blown Lord of the Rings and Star Trek nerd? Now this is just embarrassing. Also, I'm so totally gonna force you to have a movie night when I get back. Let’s see who knows more lines by heart.

I gotta go now. Today's song is “On the Road again” by Willie Nelson. Talk to you soon!

PS – watch out for a little something that should arrive within the next few days, or so I was told. Don't say I never did anything for you ;)

The package in question indeed arrives two days later. Harvey doesn't know what he expected, but it certainly wasn't half a dozen bags of packed cinnamon buns straight from Sweden. He stares at the box, then notices the card tucked between the plastic. He picks it up, his heart jolting at the sight of Mike's familiar handwriting.

I told you, you need to try them. They are not quite as amazing as the fresh ones from the bakery, but they come close. You're welcome ;)

Harvey shakes his head, grabbing one bag and opening it straight away.

“Damn,” he curses at the first bite, staring at the bun. Mike was right. It’s amazing.

He takes another one – they are conveniently small, after all – before closing the bag regretfully, storing the package away in the kitchen and leaving Mike's card on the counter where he will see it every time he walks by.

It’s for no specific reason that Harvey is in a splendid mood all day, smiling at everyone in his way. Certainly not because Mike thought about him enough to send him that package, which is undeniable proof that no matter how far away he is, Harvey is still in his thoughts.

He'd like to say that because of that, it doesn't worry him that much when Mike disappears again for several days.

That, however, would be a blatant lie.

*

Harvey isn't going up the walls by the time Mike finally resurfaces. He’s not.

Two weeks. It's been nearly two weeks since he heard from him. Anything could happen in two weeks. Harvey doesn't usually dwell on the fact, but without Mike’s frequent assurances that he’s unharmed, he is left with nothing but nagging worry that grows worse and worse each day.

The sigh he lets out when he gets the notification carries all the weight that's been resting on his shoulders these past few days.

Re: What are men to rocks and mountains?

Hey Harvey. Sorry I've gone AWOL again. Turns out you don't need to travel to India or some other place exploited by desperate Westerners to find enlightenment. I've been in the mountains for the past two weeks. The Italian Alps, to be precise. Ever been? I can definitely recommend it if you ever want a soul-cleansing experience. Though I find it kind of hard to picture you in a place like this, no work, no technology, just you. You'd probably be going up the walls. I did, for a while. Imagine this: me in a cabin some thousand feet above sea level, no wifi, no entertainment save for two books I'd already read. Just me and the mountains. I don't know what I had in mind when I went up there. Some part of me probably knew that I needed this, even though I didn't acknowledge it at the time. I just saw the mountains and thought, this is where I need to be. So I booked the cabin, bought enough food to last a month (guess I knew I was gonna stay a while), and then I went up there, saying goodbye to civilization for the time being.

The first night was nice, alright. There's really something to be said about listening to the crickets at night, with no other sounds for miles than the wind and your own heartbeat. You feel like you're part of something up there, something bigger than you or your life or anything you can comprehend. You feel insignificant in a good way.

Yeah, that lasted about a day. By the second night I was a little restless, but it was day three that really did me in. I felt like shit. I was going out of my mind, itching to do something, to go somewhere. Day four and five had me ready to climb down that mountain in the middle of the night if need be, just to get out of my own head. But something made me stay, and I’m glad I did.

You wouldn't believe how therapeutic this kind of solitude can be. You're always surrounded by people, aren't you? Even when you're at your own place there's always someone who wants something from you. You never get to just sit down and focus on yourself. Well, I did. It didn't go so well at first. Turns out I've had quite a few unresolved issues with myself and the things that happened. And digging them out from where I'd buried them so deeply I wouldn't have to look at them was... painful. But there's something really liberating about screaming all your pent-up frustration into the mountains, with no one listening or shouting back. You can yell and shout and cry and there’s no one to give a shit.

I've been thinking a lot about the past few years. Everything between meeting you and ending up in prison. I said it was a fickle life in one of my previous mails, but you know what wasn't fickle? You. You were a constant I could always rely on, no matter what. I knew you would always have my back and fight for me, but you also taught me all the lessons I so desperately needed to learn and quite a few more. You told me off when I was wrong, you pushed me in the right direction, and you didn’t give up on me once.

I never thanked you, did I? For any of it. For giving me this extraordinary life, for guiding me and being not just my friend, but my family. So, thank you, Harvey. Despite everything, I don't regret it.

I guess I'm in a particularly contemplative mood tonight. And grateful, I suppose. So I hope you'll excuse my song choice for today. It’s something a little more serious. Maybe it's too much, but you can always just choose to ignore this if you want to.

Harvey’s breath hitches when he opens the link Mike attached, only to find a song he would recognize anywhere. He doesn’t move a muscle until the last note of “You raise me up” has faded, then clicks rewind as he sits back, releasing a slow breath.

He can't believe what he is hearing. He can’t believe this is the song Mike sent him.

This is how Mike feels about him.

Harvey knows he is way too moved to type a reply he isn't going to regret in the morning, but he can't not reach out to Mike right now, can't keep inside what he so desperately needs to tell him. He needs to talk to Mike, the desire as urgent as a physical need, and if this is the only way he can, how could he not use it?

Mike,

That sure was one hell of a mail. First of all, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, though that sounds... worrying, to say the least. I'm sorry you needed something like this to feel better. I'm sorry it ever had to come to this. I didn't really think hiring you would result in me getting a pen pal and you yelling at mountains, but life has a funny way of turning out like you wouldn't expect, doesn't it?

All jokes aside, this is... I really am glad to hear you're feeling better. And I am sorry you were in such a bad place before. I guess I understand. Everything that happened to you, it wasn't easy, was it? It's been damn hard for me, I know that much, and I wasn't the one who went to prison and lost everything. If this is what you needed, then I'm really glad you left and found it. Even if it's in the Alps. Couldn't just take a trip to the Hamptons, huh?

It hasn't been all bad though, has it? Is it selfish of me to say that? I know you feel the same way, at least to some extent, because you told me you'd do it all again right before going to prison (were you high at the time, by the way?), but part of me still feels terrible for even thinking that when all it did was cause you so much grief. But it's true nevertheless, isn't it? We've had some good times, you and me. It was good.

Well, this got really sappy really fast, but I'm not even done yet. Just remember that you started it, alright? The song you sent me, it's not... too much. And I definitely don't want to ignore it. I'm not good at this stuff, but knowing that you feel that way, it means a lot to me. So here's a song I have for you. You can ignore it too if you want, that's fine. I just feel like I should tell you. Like you should know.

He inserts a link to “Right here waiting”, letting it play in the background as he sends the mail.

He eventually gets up and changes, grabbing a drink, but even though he has long sent his reply, he can't stop reminiscing. All the memories of working with Mike, of when they were both still younger and that much more carefree, when Harvey's biggest problem was the inconvenient crush he was developing on his unattainable associate – all the memories of Mike have kindled a wave of yearning he is helpless against.

So Harvey doesn't fight it. And for the first time ever, he feels like he might not even have to.

He honestly doesn't know how to interpret Mike's mails, or his song choices, or the fact that he's the only person Mike doesn't just keep in touch with, but actually seems to enjoy talking to by now.

He has no idea what it means, but it makes him feel all warm inside, and the feeling only grows when he reads Mike's reply three days later.

Hey Harvey! Sorry if I worried you. I'm alright, really. And I was before too, mostly. I just had some things to work through, and... I did, so now I think I can finally move on. Which feels nice. Really nice, actually. And it's good, isn't it? Letting go of the past and all that.

You're wrong, you know. That's not all it did. Causing me grief. Not by a long shot. I met so many people I wouldn't want to have missed for the world. I got to live my dream, I got to help people, I've experienced so many things I never would have without you. I wouldn't be talking to you while being off to see the world right now if all that hadn't happened either, and I daresay that makes it worth it :) I got a lot for all my trouble and then some, you know. So yeah, it hasn't been all bad. And I'm beginning to see that I wasn't the only one who went through all that anyway. It was hard on you too, wasn't it? Just because you weren't the one who went to prison doesn't mean you got off any easier than me. I think in some ways it was worse for you. But that's over now. And I hope you can move on as well, because it really, really hasn't been all bad. You and me, we've had some great times, Harvey.

But you know what? I think the best may still be yet to come. Because our whole relationship was built on a lie. One we were both in on, granted, but now that is finally out of the way, and I don't know about you, but I'm liking where it's going.

For now I'm gonna go see what this country has to offer, though. Song of the day: Against all Odds by Phil Collins. Enjoy listening, and I'll talk to you very soon!

“Very soon,” Harvey mutters to himself. Very soon. That’s progress.

And Mike keeps his promise, because his next mail arrives only two days later. He seems to be reflecting a lot ever since the road took him to the mountains. Harvey didn't expect him to ever go into what things were like from his perspective. It breaches dangerous territory, after all. But Mike clearly doesn’t give a shit about that anymore, because in his next mail he writes, I've been thinking about you again. I mean, what it was like for you when all that happened. It's been quite the ride, hasn't it? Knowing me. Literally from the second we met. Did you ever regret it? This is not me fishing for compliments, by the way. I genuinely want to know. You know what's funny, though? I think I already do. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you ever regretted it. Any of it, any of the choices you made when it came to me. You only regretted that you couldn't save me. But that's okay, Harvey. As the saying goes, you can't save people, you can only... well, love them. And I guess it's important to note, because I never told you and I'm realizing it's just another one in a long line of things I did that were unfair to you, that I've always felt loved by you. Even when I didn't acknowledge it to myself, or let it show around you. I've always known.

God, it's hard saying things like that, isn't it? It shouldn't be hard. They should be said. They should be heard. You, more than anyone else I know, deserve to hear them. And I'm sorry it took me this long to get that. I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do. And some healing and... moving on from what happened. It was the adventure of a lifetime after all. You don't get over something like that in a few days. It takes time, doesn't it?

He ends the mail with a link to the Beach boys' “Wouldn't it be nice”, and Harvey listens to it all day for the next week, a spring in his step whenever he remembers Mike's words.

I've always felt loved by you.

It's scary and liberating at once, and only a few weeks ago Harvey would never have believed he would hear those words from him. But here he is, Mike's message saved on his phone, the phrase etched into his brain permanently from all the times he read it.

Who knows? While he doubted it in the beginning, when Mike was still full of anger and wanderlust and the need for isolation that drove him farther and farther away from him, he now believes that he may actually come home eventually. Come home to him.

He just has to hold on until then.

*

Christmas, as it turns out, is coming early this year.

Having enough to do at work, Harvey almost manages to go on with his life like nothing is going on, like he isn’t always waiting for something, like he isn’t a man whose heart is half a globe away.

That is until he can finally stop waiting.

Mike sends him an email at half past four on a Tuesday. It's not any email. It's the most important one, including the words Harvey has been dying to hear, the only thing that matters.

Donna is the one catching Harvey smiling like a lunatic in his office, barely able to resist jumping out of his seat with excitement.

“What has you in such a good mood?” she asks, lifting an eyebrow as she leans in the doorway. Harvey’s smile grows.

“It's Mike,” he tells her, and then he says what he’s been waiting to hear since the day he left, “Mike is coming home.”

He rereads the mail that brought him the good news, the words still echoing in his head.

Re: Driving home for Christmas

Surprise! Well, it's not Christmas yet, but I thought you'd like to know anyway. I am indeed returning to New York. I know, I can't believe it either. I didn't plan for this, but I just feel like it's time to come back. Will you be with your family over Christmas? I think either way I'll crash at your place. If you mind, well, too bad ;)

I'm making a few stops in good old England and everything nearby first, but after that... I think it's time I came back. I can't explain what changed, it's just a feeling, I guess. But I think it's time I returned. It's been amazing, seeing the world. But the thought of coming back holds a lot more appeal now than it used to when I'd just left. So... I guess I'll see you very soon :)

Harvey lets out a deep breath, not giving a shit about the huge smile on his face as he abandons his work in favor of typing a reply right away.

Mike,

you wouldn't believe how good it is to hear you're coming back. I'll be in New York over the holidays, since you asked, but I’ll still be with family now that you’re coming. When are you arriving in New York? Let me know.

Enjoy England. See you soon :)

He can't quite believe he is writing those words and actually means them. For weeks he didn't even dare to think about them, not daring to hope he'd get to actually do it anytime soon, and now it's only a few short weeks until he will see him again. Until Mike will be with him, in the flesh, there to talk to and see and touch. There to stay with him. To celebrate Christmas.

Harvey couldn't have asked for a better present.

He checks his mails several times that night and the next morning, but Mike hasn't replied. Frowning, Harvey writes another quick mail.

Mike. When are you coming back? Let me know what day and airport. I want to pick you up, there's no way in hell I'm letting you take a taxi before Christmas.

He sighs when Mike still doesn't respond, rolling his eyes when he sends another mail. He knows he doesn't actually have any leverage, but he's damn well going to pretend he does if it gets Mike to reply.

Mike, tell me when you're arriving in New York unless you want me to call every single airline there is and ask if they have any passengers by the name of Michael James Ross.

Don't test me. You know I'll do it. And I'll never stop making you pay for it.

When Mike finally does reply an agonizing week later, Harvey lets out a sigh of relief.

Calm down, I just couldn't check my mails for a few days. I'm making a quick detour to Scotland, so I'll be coming back on the 20th. My flight is scheduled to arrive at JFK at 9:20 pm. Don’t worry, I'm gonna drop by yours right away anyway :)

Harvey scoffs. He reschedules his appointments, then sends a quick reply.

Don't be silly, I’m picking you up. 9:20, JFK. Got it.

See you in a few days. I'll be there.

*

Mike comes home a few days before Christmas and brings a load of snow with him.

He looks different. His hair is a little longer, his skin a little tanner. His frame changed yet again, less bulky now than it was after Danbury, but miles from the skinny kid Harvey met in that interview years ago. But it's still Mike. Undeniably, unmistakably. Harvey would know him anywhere. He pretends his heart doesn't skip a beat when Mike finally appears in the hall, trailing after a flood of passengers Harvey has scanned and immediately dismissed as unimportant.

Mike hasn't yet seen him, his eyes still moving over the crowd, and Harvey takes another moment to look him over, the bag slung over his shoulder, his backpack, the sight of his face like a revelation, before he gives in to the urge to get closer, pushing through the crowd to meet him halfway.

“Hello, stranger.”

Mike's face lights up. He only looks at him for a second before he leaps forward, stepping into Harvey's open arms with a grin. Harvey doesn't know which one of them initiated it, he just knows that not touching Mike that moment, not drawing him closer after months of absence would be impossible.

This is Mike. This is Mike in his arms, after months of wishing and waiting and yearning. Harvey feels himself smiling, couldn't help it if he tried.

“Welcome back,” he murmurs, burying his face in Mike's shoulder as he inhales deeply.

“Thank you,” Mike says, and his voice is so familiar and soft that it takes him a moment before he can make himself let go and step back.

“You look well,” he tells him sincerely. Mike smiles.

“So do you.”

Harvey huffs. “I haven't changed at all.”

“Yeah,” Mike says, his smile growing. “You haven't.”

Harvey swallows, the air sticking in his throat.

“Had a good flight?”

“I did. Long, though.”

“Right.” Harvey regards him, then shakes himself. “Let's get out of here then. Ray's waiting outside.”

“Ray's here?” Mike's face lights up again. Harvey thinks he hasn't seen him so joyful in years, and he's only been back for two minutes. It's a good look on him.

“He looks forward to seeing you again,” Harvey tells him. Mike apparently does too, since the way he starts laughing as he accepts Ray's bear hug is any indication.

The drive takes longer than usual, with the snow and the traffic they inevitably get stuck in, but Mike doesn't seem to mind, his eyes glued to the window as he stares outside. Harvey thinks that he can't be seeing much past the snowflakes, but keeps quiet, letting him look. He uses the time to get reacquainted with the sight of Mike's body, the lines of his face, half hidden away from him but still achingly familiar, the set of his shoulders, less tense than he remembers, but still more upright than they used to be. He is so absorbed in the sight that he nearly startles when Mike turns to him.

“Is Ray taking us to yours?”

“Yes.”

“Can we get off a few blocks before that? I just... I think I'd like to take a walk.”

Harvey thinks of his luggage, but nods. “Sure.”

He gives Ray his new instructions, grabbing Mike's bag when he drops them off while he puts his backpack on.

“I can take it,” Mike offers, but Harvey just shakes his head, and he laughs a little.

“Right. Thanks.”

They start making their way through the snow once Ray has taken off.

It's bitingly cold, and Harvey wishes he had brought his gloves, but when he glances at Mike from the corner of his eye, watching the snowflakes getting caught in his lashes and on his cheeks before melting, he can't bring himself to regret that he agreed to their walk. He would deny it to the death, but the sight of Mike like this is magical. He can't bring himself to miss a second of it, his heart pounding almost painfully in his chest.

He can't even make himself look away when Mike turns his head to look at him, catching him looking. Harvey doesn't even blink.

Mike smiles softly. “What?”

Harvey shakes his head a little. “Nothing. It's just hard to believe that you're really back. I can't believe you're home.”

He doesn't even notice what he said until Mike draws a deep breath, looking at him as he says, “Yeah, I think I really am.”

The walk to Harvey's door isn't a long one, but since Mike is enjoying it so much, Harvey stretches it by making a slight detour. They spend most of the time in silence, Mike listening to the sounds of the city around him as he gets reacquainted with its familiar sights, Harvey listening to Mike’s breathing.

He doesn’t even mind that his hands freeze around Mike’s luggage. As far as he’s concerned, they could stay out here forever.

*

Mike is softer than he used to be.

The anger he carried around with himself, the resentment sticking to him like a second skin has left him, turning into something different, something Harvey has yet to explore.

Mike had hardened. He didn't even realize how much, not until he sees him now, so different from the angry man that left New York all those weeks ago. He looks older too. Wiser. Like he has gained an understanding of the world that he’s never had before. It's not a bad look on him at all.

He gave him some time to make himself at home once they got back, preparing them some coffee while Mike unpacked. Now his stuff is spread in Harvey's guest room while Mike is spread on Harvey's sofa, holding the steaming mug he handed him in both hands, and Harvey doesn't want to think about why his condo instantly feels more homely and full in all the right ways.

His eyes travel over Mike's face when he sighs almost inaudibly, contentment sitting in every line of his face.

“This is good,” he says, like he really means it, and Harvey just smiles in reply.

Neither of them speaks much at first, even though Harvey has a thousand questions and he knows Mike can talk a mile a minute if he wants to.

At least the old Mike could. He doesn't know about this one, and it's quiet as they both get reacquainted with each other. It's not exactly awkward, but it's not the easy and relaxed togetherness he remembers from before. It's mostly curious, a little unsure perhaps, both of them trying to find their footing after so long spent apart and all the things they said to each other, just never out loud.

Harvey didn't think he'd have to get to know Mike all over again, certainly not the other way around, but as he's looking at him with his silence, he finds that he doesn't quite know how to proceed from here anymore. Because Mike saw so many things that Harvey never will, he's changed in ways he hasn't even begun to understand yet, and Harvey finds himself intrigued and unsettled at the same time. He's still feeling around the edges, and Mike, his curious eyes never holding his for longer than a second, seems to do the same.

“You keep looking at me,” he says at one point, when his mug is almost empty and they have still barely talked. Harvey isn't uncomfortable with their silence, finds his curiosity growing with every passing minute instead, but it's still so very different.

“Would you rather me looking somewhere else?”

It's teasing, almost playful, a test of whether Mike is going to join in or dismiss him, though Harvey doesn't really think that he will.

The corner of Mike's mouth lifts. “I mean, what else would you be looking at? We both know I'm a sight for sore eyes.”

“Well, I can think of a few things. My high school yearbook picture, which nobody is ever going to get to see, by the way. That terrible painting my mother sent me last Christmas. The picture of Louis from the gala I keep on my phone for when I have to blackmail him again...”

Mike snorts, shaking his head as he laughs, the sound a familiar melody in Harvey's ear, stirring all the right sensations.

The joke wasn't even that funny, but Harvey grins as well, letting the sound wash over him until he's tingling with warmth.

“You're such a dick. You really haven't changed at all.”

Harvey has, the same way Mike has, but he looks into Mike's eyes and knows what he means. That he isn't talking about that, but them.

“You wouldn't want me to,” Harvey tells him.

“No,” Mike agrees, sinking deeper into the cushions as he smiles at him, watching him steadily. “I wouldn't.”

And with that it's like the spell has been broken. Mike starts talking, small things, asking questions now and then, and Harvey easily joins in until he glances at the clock and realizes they have talked most of the night away without even going into detail yet.

“It got late,” he says, and Mike looks surprised as he nods.

“Guess it did.”

Harvey looks at him, smiling when he realizes that this is it. This is them. They are still who they always were at the core. A little older, a little wiser perhaps, but still Mike and Harvey. Still the same two men who went through hell together and, against all odds, held onto each other until they came out on top.

Harvey remembers that it was always so, so easy with Mike. He remembers because it still is. And so he lets go of wondering in what ways they changed and how things are different and just gives in to it, knowing that the rest will follow.

They stay up late that night, and it's worth every hour of sleep Harvey lost because of it.

He is glad that he took care of all his appointments beforehand, since it allows him to do a minimum of work at the office each morning before he takes the holidays off. Sometimes Mike is still asleep when he returns. Sometimes he's up and looking at pictures, or reading, or using his laptop that Harvey set out for him, but he's always there, and Harvey thinks to himself how glad he is that he never knew how good it feels to come home to Mike before.

They spend Christmas quietly, just the two of them in Harvey's condo with a few candles and fir branches because Harvey doesn't believe in getting an entire tree just for himself. Mike doesn't seem to mind, though.

Harvey thinks of the Christmas Mike would be having right now if things had turned out differently, with a fiancée and a family that would be his one day soon, homemade food and tons of decoration. He can't give him any of that. But looking at him lounging on his sofa, his legs crossed and a mug in his hands as he flips through the menus Harvey keeps at home, he doesn't feel like he's really missing any of it.

“I'm afraid this is the most I can offer you,” he says after ending the call to place their order, watching Mike's face carefully.

Mike looks up, raising his eyebrows. “What are you talking about? This is gonna be the best Christmas I've had in years. It's perfect.”

Years? Harvey wants to ask, but just accepts the statement and smiles. “Well, then. You can go and grab some plates until the food gets here. We may not have a fancy Christmas, but we have some  class.”

The food is amazing, though Harvey is fairly certain that anything he shared with Mike would have been. They spend Christmas Eve picking at each other's plates and indulging until they are both too full to move, and then they watch some movies both of them know by heart, but Harvey thinks it's not really about the movie at all, it's about quoting along and reenacting the scenes together until they are both laughing. At one point Harvey looks at the clock and realizes that it's past midnight and they have slipped into the holidays quietly. With Mike wrapped up in a blanket next to him, sitting close enough to touch, he feels the spirit more than he has in ages.

“Merry Christmas, Mike,” he tells him.

Mike turns his head, regarding him quietly before he says, “Merry Christmas, Harvey.”

They finish the movie and start another one, sharing a box of cookies over some scotch before they move on to tea and finally go to bed in the early morning hours, neither of them feeling like cutting the intimacy short they have found with each other.

It's almost noon when they both get up the next day. Mike heads to his room – it's undoubtedly his by now  – when he sits down with a cup of coffee, returning with a small box.

“Merry Christmas.”

Harvey raises his eyebrows. “What's this?”

“How about you open it and find out, genius?”

Harvey rolls his eyes, pursing his lips to keep himself from smiling as he reaches for the box. It looks plain and simple, and Harvey makes quick work of opening it, curious to find out what it contains.

Inside are four whiskey tumblers. Not like the ones Harvey already has, not like any he has ever seen in a store around here. They are beautiful in their design, like a piece of art rather than something that was made to be used. Also, they fit the style of Harvey's condo perfectly.

“They are from Scotland,” Mike explains while Harvey takes one of the tumblers out of the box to inspect it more closely. “From a traditional shop I found hidden away in some alley. I saw them and had to think of you. I hope it's alright.”

Harvey brushes a finger over the glass, tracing the texture of the artful pattern.

“Alright? Mike, this is beautiful. Thank you,” he says sincerely. “But you didn't have to get me anything.”

It's the truth. Mike being back home, sitting on his sofa, smiling at Harvey, is the best gift he could have given him.

“It's Christmas,” Mike points out, pulling his knee to his chest with a small smile. “And I wanted to.”

“Well, thank you again. I appreciate it.” Harvey puts the glass back into the box carefully, then sets the box aside. “I don't have anything special for you.”

Mike clutches his chest. “How could you? I'm wounded.” He smirks, shaking his head. “Honestly, it's fine, Harvey. I don't need anything, and you've already given me so much more than I can ever give back. Thank you, you know, for all that. For having me.”

Harvey waves his hand. “Don't mention it.”

Mike's eyes rest on him. “I think I should. We should mention things like this, shouldn't we?”

“Maybe we do. But I told you, you always have a place here.”

“A home,” Mike says, if to correct him on his memory or because he is remembering the words himself, Harvey doesn't know. “You did tell me that. I just didn't... I wasn't sure if that would still apply. I don't think you were lying when you said that or anything,” he hurries to say when Harvey lifts his eyebrows. “It's just that by the time you said those words, I'd already changed. And I changed yet again after that. I thought about stuff that made me into someone very different from the guy you swore loyalty to. And I just thought, it wouldn't be fair to hold you to that when you may not even feel the same way about the person I am now than you did about who I was before.”

He sucks in his lip, biting it before he raises his eyes to meet Harvey's.

“I did change. I'm not the same person I was.” He says it hesitantly, carefully, like it's a big admission that holds the power to alter everything.

“Bullshit,” Harvey says softly, the corner of his mouth lifting. “I know you changed, Mike, but so have I. How couldn't we? Everyone does. People always change. They grow and lose their way and they forget who they were sometimes, but that doesn't change who they are inside. I've seen you at your best and at your lowest. The guy I hired was different from the guy who became youngest junior partner ever, but I don't give a shit about that and I never will. You'll always be Mike to me.”

Mike's throat bobs as he swallows, his gaze seeming to bore into his before he nods.

“Thank you,” he says eventually, and then smiles. “See? You did get me something special. No better gift than that. To just be accepted as you are.”

“Yeah, alright, Gandhi,” Harvey says, but he's smiling too, and he knows Mike knows he appreciates his words.

“So, what do you say? Time for another movie?”

“Hell, yeah. I thought you'd never ask.”

Mike grins, grabbing a DVD before returning to Harvey's side just a little closer than strictly necessary.

And that's how they spend Christmas, and if Harvey were held at gunpoint he could not have thought of a better way. They indulge way too much, though Mike insists that it's just right. Harvey spends a few minutes talking to his family, but he keeps it short and doesn't mourn the end of the conversation, feeling much more inclined to go back to Mike. He talks to Jessica for quite a while longer and answers a text from Donna. She asks if they want to come over for a Christmas party she is throwing – Mike can come too – but Harvey declines the invitation. He is not ready to give up this cocoon they have built for themselves here, to burst their little bubble of intimacy in order to face the outside world again.

Fortunately for him, Mike feels the same way. He doesn't seem to plan on going anywhere anytime soon, instead spreading his things further across the flat until they mingle with Harvey's stuff as if they belong there. And Harvey will be damned if he says anything about it.

Christmas comes and passes. Harvey watches time go by with a heavy heart, knowing that he will have to go back to work soon and that even though Mike will still be here – or at least hasn't indicated anything else – it won't be the same, this feeling can't last forever. He desperately wants to hold on to it and never let go, so that if he ever has to live without Mike again and breathe around his absence, he will have something to tide him over, to pull him through.

Mike has done nothing to make him believe that he will leave Harvey again, he has to give him that. He seems to be perfectly at home in the place he has carved himself in Harvey's space. Sure, he is quiet sometimes, but Harvey doesn't expect him to speak constantly. The fact that he can be silent with Mike without it ever being awkward is one of the things he loves most about being with him, after all. And while he seems to be doing much better these days, the things that happened won't just disappear. Mike may have left a good part of them around the world, but he still brought some of that emotional baggage back with him, and if he needs time to mull them over, Harvey will gladly give it to him.

Mike is making it all too easy to feel at home with him, to just more or less move in together and then live together without ever talking about it, and it's all so easy and normal and right that there is absolutely no reason to question it.

Even less so when they actually do talk about it eventually.

Part of him almost expected this to happen. Maybe not like this, maybe not on this specific day, but he knew in some part of himself that this is where they were headed. Of course, he has always known that he feels that way about Mike. It's just really, really good to finally get confirmation that Mike feels the same way about him.

They are on the sofa, again, as close to being cuddled up together without actually touching as they can be, and Harvey should get up to change the DVD, but he doesn't for the life of him want to move. Mike, sprawled out on the couch beside him, clearly doesn't either.

“Do you know,” he says over the sound of the cheery Christmas music accompanying the end credits, “that even though we're doing nothing special at all, I am really fucking happy right now?”

Harvey glances at him, smiling a little. “Why is that?”

Mike considers him carefully. “Because I didn't think I could have this anymore. Just doing nothing, lying around watching movies and enjoying myself all day, especially with someone...”

He trails off, and Harvey waits, but the silence only grows.

“Someone...?” Harvey probes, and Mike looks at him like there is something on the tip of his tongue he desperately wants to say but is just so holding back. “Someone who what?”

Mike blinks, shifting until he faces him. “I'm not sure if you really want me to say it,” he confesses, his voice soft. His eyes are wide and bright, moving over Harvey's face endlessly, and Harvey's heart skips a beat when he replies, “Say it. I want you to.”

His voice sounds foreign to his own ears, all raspy and rough and wrong, but Harvey pays it no mind. His attention lies solely on the man before him, only mere inches keeping them apart.

Mike licks his lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mike gazes at him for another breathless beat, and then, without taking his eyes from him, he speaks the words into the space between them that Harvey has longed to hear for so long.

“Someone I love.”

The corner of Harvey's mouth lifts. He smiles, and he can't stop smiling and he doesn't want to, and then he grins when Mike starts smiling too, equal parts relieved and happy, and then he asks, “Love, huh?”

“Yeah. That kind of... happened, at one point along the way.”

“Hm. Guess it did for me, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So you love me too?”

“I love you too,” Harvey agrees, and then he leans in to kiss him even though they are both smiling too hard for it to really work, but that doesn't matter. Because Mike's lips are on his, slightly chapped and warm and gentle, and Harvey gets to touch them at last, after all the times he imagined doing this he gets to taste them, feel them, gets to know what Mike's smile tastes like firsthand.

It's not perfect, but it absolutely is.

They kiss for a while, always smiling, even when the kiss turns into focus rather than the fact that they are doing this, even when they start feeling and tasting and exploring in earnest, getting acquainted with the shape of each other's lips. Harvey doesn't believe in heaven, but he is fairly certain he has somehow been transferred there. He would have happily gone on kissing Mike forever, too, if Mike hadn't pulled back at some point, hovering just out of reach as he catches his breath.

Harvey then realizes he is out of breath too, didn't even notice himself growing more agitated and his breath coming faster the more he got to taste of Mike. Still, he has no intentions of letting him go now, not unless he is on the brink of an asthma attack, and so he leans in to chase Mike's mouth, catching his lips in a kiss again that Mike reciprocates immediately, if with a somewhat muffled sound, half amused, half in protest. He draws back again after a few seconds, and Harvey inevitably follows, drawn to him like a magnet.

“Don't stop on my account,” he murmurs, nudging Mike's cheek with his nose before pressing his lips to his again. He might just be addicted, he realizes, he might just have gotten very addicted very fast, but he doesn't care, is exhilarated by the idea even, because this is an addiction he doesn't have to fight, not any longer, never again, because Mike is right there and he wants him too.

God, he wants him too.

It's clear that he does, even if there weren't all the other signs, because he doesn't just let himself be kissed again but actively reciprocates, for a moment seeming to forget whatever it was that made him pull back.

Eventually he does again though, as if he just remembered. Harvey stays close, hearing his breathing, matching his own to the rhythmic sound, a little too hard, a little too fast, entirely intoxicating.

“Harvey,” Mike mumbles.

“What?”

“I want to say it right.”

It takes a few seconds for Harvey to catch up with him, to understand the words and apply them to what just transpired, but when he finally gets what he is talking about, he has to hold back a smile.

“Oh. Alright then.” Harvey leans back, watching expectantly as Mike makes a very serious face and then announces, “I love you so very, very much, Harvey Specter. I have loved you for a long time, a lot longer than I knew or admitted to myself, and it feels indescribable to not just finally have that out in the open but know that you feel the same way.”

Harvey hums. “Because we should say things like that, right?”

Mike nods. “Yes. We should. And because you deserve to know. You deserve to be told how loved you are, how much and how deeply you are cared for.”

It's just like Mike, to keep on talking and talking and through all his babbling still manage to steal Harvey's breath away.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, lacing their fingers together before he presses a kiss to the back of his hand. “I keep feeling the urge to tell you the exact same thing, you know. Thankfully, we have a long time ahead of us to do just that.”

“Hm. Yeah, I guess we do, don't we? I like that. I like the sound of it.”

“Me too.”

“Can we cuddle?”

Harvey laughs at the sudden question. “Aren't we already doing that?”

“This?” Mike gestures between them. “Oh no, no. This is not cuddling. This is nowhere near close enough.”

“Well, we can't have that. Come over here.”

Mike rolls over with a grin, and they wrap their arms around each other until Harvey thinks they couldn't get any closer. Mike lets out a quiet exhale, sounding entirely content nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Harvey feels everything else melt away as they sink into each other. It's better than he imagined, better than he thought cuddling could be, and they are quiet for a long time, just taking each other in.

The corner of Harvey's mouth lifts when Mike chuckles.

“What?”

“Nothing. It's just, this is just like every cheesy Christmas romance ever.”

“Worse,” Harvey says. “I have a few of those and I think we just topped each of them.”

Mike smirks. “You have a few, huh?”

“Yeah. In the cupboard of your room, actually. Don't tell me you haven't snooped around in there. We can watch some of them later if you volunteer to get the DVDs from your room.”

“My room,” Mike echoes. “Is that what it is?”

“Yeah, well, I suppose it's going to turn back into a guest room now though.”

“Hm. I like that idea. So your room is going to be our room?”

“If you want it to be.”

Mike looks at him like he really, really wants that. What he says, though, is, “You don't think this is too much, too fast?”

Harvey takes his hand, marveling at the novelty of getting to lace their fingers together without having to think about it or hold himself back. “I think this has been a long time coming. And we can take this as slowly as you want to, but for me this has been serious for years and I can't think of anything that feels more right than you finally being here with me, right where I want you.”

The corner of Mike's mouth pulls up before a frown crosses his face like a shadow, leaving him looking sad and almost dejected. It nearly breaks Harvey's heart. It's simply unacceptable, especially after the monumental shift of their world that just transpired.

“I never knew you could be so romantic. I wish I'd found that out sooner.”

Harvey can sense the regret threatening to take him under, can read it in the lines on his forehead, and he just leans in and gently kisses his lips until they shift into a minute smile beneath his.

Drawing back, he tells him, “You're finding out now. And we have all the time in the world to make up for what we missed before. It's alright.”

“Yeah,” Mike says, swallowing as he gazes at Harvey's lips. “Yeah, I think it's a little more than that.”

Harvey smiles too, letting himself be kissed again before pulling Mike closer, just inhaling his scent. He thinks he knows the answer, but he still needs to ask. “So you're staying?”

Mike looks at him, biting his lip as he nods. “I am. I think I finally figured out where home is for me.”

Harvey gives him an amused smile even as his heart jumps in his chest. “Who's the romantic now?”

“Well, I have to keep up somehow. And it's true.”

“And we're supposed to say the things that are true,” Harvey finishes, nodding. “I know. I think we've both learned that.”

Mike smiles. “If we haven't, we can learn it together.”

Harvey pulls him closer, resting his chin on the crown of Mike's head. They are both quiet, just reveling in their newly found closeness, before Harvey breaks the silence to ask, “What's next?”

Mike takes a moment to reply. “I don't know yet. I know I want to stay with you, but as for everything else... I don't know yet. But I know that as long as we're together, it's going to be alright.”

“Of course it is.”

They fall silent again, listening to the sound of each other's breathing, each hanging after their own thoughts.

“Baby, please come home,” Harvey announces into the quiet.

Mike shifts in his arms to glance at him. “Hm?”

“That's the song I would have sent you next. If you hadn't come back.”

Snorting, Mike says, “No, you wouldn't have.”

Harvey chuckles. “I don't know. I certainly thought about it.”

“You really are a romantic at heart, aren't you?” Mike shakes his head, tracing the side of his face. “I never knew.”

“Well, if you play your cards right you are going to find out all about it now.”

Mike lets out a laugh. “If I play my cards right, huh? So that's how it's going to be?”

“Of course. What, you think I'm a sure thing?”

“I think,” Mike says, leaning in to capture his lips in a kiss so sensual that it borders on obscene, “that you are the surest thing I have ever had. Or am I wrong?”

Instead of giving a reply – because really, they both know Mike is right and Harvey is never going to let him go again – he leans in, kissing him once more to the sound of the cheery Christmas music still playing in the background.