Actions

Work Header

Baby It's Cold Outside: Uncreeped

Summary:

A rewrite of the problematic-yet-popular holiday song. After a Christmas Eve party, the last guest to leave just can't seem to talk themself out of the door --- until they and their host share the words they really need to say.

Notes:

Hearing the original song has been bugging me all holiday season, but then suddenly I was inspired by a combination of factors: 

This article by Minda Zetlin

  This consent-centric rewrite by Lydia Liza and Josiah Lemanski

 And even the apologist explanation that the woman really does want to stay (which hardly seems to excuse the man's ceaseless creepy badgering, nor indeed the "what's in this drink?" issue I mean good gods).

So I tried my hand at writing my own alternate lyrics, keeping as much of the basic setup intact as I could while trying to make it into something genuinely sweet. I also wanted it to be more gender-neutral, so I identify the two voices as "Guest" and "Host."

Anyone who wants to use my work as a basis for their own fanfic, fanart, podfic, translation, etc. has my permission to do so. Just credit me as appropriate.

As an addendum to my usual blanket permission policy, if anyone would like to actually perform the song with these lyrics, that would be awesome!

Work Text:

GUEST: I really can’t stay
HOST: They tell me it’s cold outside
GUEST: I got to go ‘way
HOST: Be careful, it’s cold outside
GUEST: This evening has been so very nice
HOST: I’m glad — I’ll help you ‘cross that ice
GUEST: I’m glad I met your sister
HOST: I’m glad you’re jibin’ with her
GUEST: This kind of thing’s what Christmas is for
HOST: It really is, yeah
GUEST: I really have got to go but…
(Beat)
GUEST: Well maybe just a half a drink more
HOST: Should you be driving??

GUEST: I really must go
HOST: I’ll give you a ride, my dear
GUEST: Just look at that snow
HOST: We’ll take our sweet time, my dear
GUEST: It’s so hard to leave, we’re so cozy and warm
HOST: I’ll drive so careful through that storm
GUEST: My mother will be getting worried
HOST: Let’s give her a call, yeah
GUEST: The gossip stories won’t be denied
HOST: I’ll be there on your side
GUEST: I really can’t stay
(Beat)
GUEST: O but it’s cold outside!

(instrumental interlude)

HOST: Look, do you wanna stay?
GUEST: I wanna be with you, dear
HOST: Well, why didn’t you say?
GUEST: But I don’t know what I’ll hear
HOST: Well, who should complain, if I love you?
GUEST: What’s that you say? You love me, too!
HOST: I guess I should’a said it
GUEST: You sounded like you meant it!
HOST: Instead of just assuming you knew
(Beat)
GUEST: And I should be brave
BOTH: O Baby, ‘cause I love you!

GUEST: Just watchin’ the snow
HOST: Baby, it’s cold outside
GUEST: In the fireplace glow
HOST: Baby, it’s cold outside
GUEST: This evening has been so very grand
HOST: Out there’s a winter wonderland
GUEST: It’s better to be together
HOST: This is the best Christmas ever!
GUEST: We’re cuddled up side by side
BOTH: And here we will stay,
‘Cause Baby, it’s cold
Baby it’s cold outside!