Work Text:
Jongin just wishes the rest of the world could see what he was seeing.
“I got you something.” Jongin says, making his boyfriend look up from where he was painting his toenails. They’re resting against the edge of their coffee table that Kyungsoo insisted on having despite their small one-bedroom flat being cramped as it is. Jongin doesn’t mind.
“You did?” Kyungsoo’s face shines up, a bright smile appearing on his lips. Jongin feels his stomach flip, the rush of bubbles rising from the bottom of his feet to the top of his head filling him. He nods, quickly pulling open his backpack and pulling out the present. The store clerk had gift wrapped it, because Jongin wanted it to be pretty. Pretty like Kyungsoo’s smiles.
“Here.” He says, handing over the package which Kyungsoo accepts with a happy wiggle. He is always moving when he’s happy. A small bounce here, hands clapping together happily there. Jongin loves seeing him move.
“It’s not- it’s nothing really.” Jongin says as Kyungsoo starts tearing the wrapping paper away. “I just- You have been talking about it, and I saw it, and I don’t even know if it’s the right size because I don’t know how the sizes work but. I don’t know.” He shrugs as Kyungsoo gets the box open and reveals the inside.
It is a pair of baggy jumper pants that has been featured in one of the commercials on tv. Kyungsoo had often sighed whenever he saw it, eyes longing, but had told Jongin he wouldn’t buy them. They were too expensive, he had said, and besides...people...
“You bought them?” Kyungsoo asks, looking up at Jongin with shocked eyes as his hands curl in the light blue fabric. Jongin nods again, swallowing. Maybe he shouldn’t have. They were quite expensive. But Kyungsoo had wished for them so dearly. And Jongin would do anything to make Kyungsoo happy.
“Thank you!” Kyungsoo practically throws himself over to Jongin’s side of the couch, giving him a tight hug before pulling him in for a deep kiss. Jongin has a hard time not smiling as he kisses back, has to struggle not to break the kiss too early because he wants to savour this moment, to savour this happiness.
“Can I try them on?” Kyungsoo asks and Jongin laughs. Of course Kyungsoo can. Kyungsoo pulls the pants out of the box, holding them pressed against his chest as if it’s the most precious item he owns, before leaping out of the couch and into his tiny bedroom to wiggle out of his current sweatpants.
Jongin smiles, the memory of Kyungsoo’s happiness printed on his retina like the most beautiful painting.
Kyungsoo insists they have to do a photoshoot with the pants. Jongin doesn’t need any convincing. Not when Kyungsoo has spent the major part of an hour trying to work out the perfect outfit for the jumper pants (A white long sleeve shirt with a wide neckline with small pearls attached to the neckline, a straw hat with a silk ribbon in the same colour as the jumper pants and his black ballerinas). Not when Kyungsoo seems almost worried to ask. Not when Kyungsoo needs him to say yes.
They head to one of the less populated parks, because Kyungsoo asks for it, and Jongin does his best to try and get the pictures Kyungsoo wants. Most of them are Kyungsoo trying to pose like he has seen the girls on Instagram pose, like the girl in the commercial wearing the jumper pants poses, like someone else would pose. But Jongin makes sure to snap a few pictures of Kyungsoo laughing, smiling bright enough to rival the sound, of him doing a silly pose for the hell of it, of him using the outdoor gym because he wants to try.
He tries to capture what he sees whenever he watches Kyungsoo. There is a simplistic beauty in Kyungsoo. When they had first met, a chance meeting in the library, the other had been guarded. Layers upon layers between him and the outside world despite the airy summer dress he had been wearing. But even back them Jongin had been able to see past the walls. He had seen the beauty in Kyungsoo, the happiness that radiated out of him whenever he felt comfortable and the deep caring he had for everything he did.
It’s hard to capture it. Because no matter how simplistic it is, no matter the fact that Jongin could describe everything he feels about Kyungsoo with the word ‘happiness’, nothing comes close to the essence of just Kyungsoo.
Sure, he can tell everyone that when he sees Kyungsoo, he sees ‘happiness’, but when they ask him to describe what ‘happiness’ is all his explanations pale in comparison to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is curling up next to the one you love in bed late at night, pressing your nose between their shoulder blades and surrendering to the feeling of love. Kyungsoo is finding a book you love and thought you lost in an old moving box. Kyungsoo is coming home after a long day of work and pulling your tie off along with the stress that seems to linger in it. Kyungsoo is the flutter of a skirt in the wind as you swing. Kyungsoo is a pair of hands creeping up around your chest and holding you together when you cry. Kyungsoo is the sun, the moon, and the world. Kyungsoo is ‘happiness’.
So, he tries to capture those moments, tries his hardest to make the world see it too. See the magic in the other.
“Jongin?” Kyungsoo says, sitting down next to him on the bench and pulling the camera out of his hands. “Let me see.”
Jongin lets him, hopes that this time he has managed, but as usual Kyungsoo just shakes his head at Jongin’s pictures. He says they’re silly, he can’t use those for Instagram, and Jongin says nothing, like he always does. Because he just wants Kyungsoo to be happy.
They decide on a pair of pictures where Kyungsoo is posing against an old tree, his face neutral as he rests casually against the branches. They look good. The pictures Kyungsoo chooses always does. Jongin smiles at him, kisses his cheeks, and then again, and then again, and then again, until Kyungsoo is screaming from laughter and tries to wriggle away from Jongin’s kiss hungry lips.
To get him to stop Kyungsoo pushes the camera between them, snapping off a picture as Jongin laughs brightly at the other’s ‘revenge’. He wrestles the camera from the other’s hands, pulling Kyungsoo close and holding up the camera above their heads.
“Selfie.” He says and Kyungsoo quickly pulls up a peace sign next to his face, a carefully measured smile on his face. Jongin pushes down the button, hearing the camera snap a few times before he feels Kyungsoo’s lips suddenly press against his cheek, the camera snapping a final time.
“Hey!” He calls but Kyungsoo is already running away, laughter sounding like happiness.
“I thought I looked good this time.” Kyungsoo says, sounding defeated.
Jongin doesn’t need to ask what it’s about, doesn’t need to do much more than pull Kyungsoo into his arms as the other seems to sag. He presses his lips against the crown of the other’s head, wishing he could erase the negative feelings inside the other.
Earlier today, at work, Jongin had checked Kyungsoo’s Instagram. He always does whenever he knows the other is going to upload a new set of pictures. He does, because he knows what will happen. He does, because he knows he needs to know for when Kyungsoo comes home. He does, because he only wants Kyungsoo to be happy.
Those are girl clothes! Don’t you realize?
This is unnatural lmao
You can clearly see he’s a man. He’s not even trying? Why don’t you put makeup on as well you faggot
I thought he was cute until I realized he was a boy
Kkkkk this sort of thing again? Why does he even try?
Jongin doesn’t reply, even though he wants to. He doesn’t say that there is no such thing as ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ clothes, there are only clothes and Kyungsoo can wear whatever he wants. He doesn’t say that it isn’t unnatural, and that what is deemed natural is a by-product of society. He doesn’t say that Kyungsoo doesn’t like wearing makeup because it makes his face feel sticky, and that Kyungsoo isn’t trying to look like anything but a man. He’s a boy, he knows it, he just likes wearing clothes that traditionally belong to women. He doesn’t say that Kyungsoo is cute even though he’s a boy. He doesn’t say that Kyungsoo isn’t trying, he’s doing and he’s doing it well.
He doesn’t say anything because Kyungsoo has asked him not to argue back. It only creates more conflict. He just wishes they would leave him alone. He doesn’t understand why they come after him, why they are so against what he’s doing, why they even care. He just wants to wear pretty skirts, pants and shirts. He just wants to feel comfortable. Jongin just wants the same.
He wishes people could see that as well.
He pulls Kyungsoo closer around himself as Kyungsoo asks him in a breaking voice what he did wrong this time. Jongin’s chest aches, because he can’t find an answer. No matter how he tries to twist and turn it he can’t come up with why people are so against Kyungsoo’s happiness.
The sadness usually doesn’t last long. Jongin makes sure it doesn’t. He pulls at his pool of happiness. Breakfast in bed. A text to remind the other he loves him more than anything. A movie night. Raspberries blown against Kyungsoo’s soft middle as the other screams in laughter. Meeting the other after work so they can walk home together. Pulling the other’s tie off after work. Letting the shirt follow as he kisses him deeply and makes sure Kyungsoo knows how happy he makes Jongin.
It helps. Kyungsoo’s shine returns within days, bright as ever. Jongin thinks that if the sun ever disappeared he could survive on Kyungsoo’s smile alone. He tells him as much. He tells him other things too. He tells him how he really liked that skirt Kyungsoo wore the other day, the pleated one that reminded him of a sailor skirt. He tells him he saw a magazine with a boy in high heels on the front side and how people liked it. He tells him that he wants to be the little spoon tonight. He tells him how he likes it when Kyungsoo presses a kiss against the top of his spine, how the other’s hot breath lulls him to sleep. He tells him he loves him.
If he ever got the chance to with for something. Jongin knows exactly what he would wish for. He would wish for everyone trying to take away from his ‘happiness’ to disappear, to be undone so that all the pain they had caused would be undone. He would wish for the scars inside of Kyungsoo’s heart to heal over. He would wish for the walls the other carries around to fall into disrepair, because he wouldn’t need them anymore. He would wish that everyone could see Kyungsoo as he does.
“What do you think?” Jongin asks, pulling out a knitted sweater in a powdery pink colour. Kyungsoo turns around from where he’s looking through a rack of clothes. He’s wearing that skirt Jongin told him he likes today. The knee length, navy blue one with the pleats and the two ribbons of white attached to the bottom of the skirt. He is wearing a blouse with a sailor collar and white socks and loafers to go along with it. Jongin thinks that this might be the best outfit Kyungsoo has ever had, because he hasn’t stopped smiling once since he put it on.
“That one?” Kyungsoo asks, walking over to Jongin with a light frown between his eyebrows. “It’s from the men’s department.” He says, and for the first time today the smile falls away.
“Is it?” Jongin asks, looking up and seeing that yes, the racks he’s currently standing at are indeed labelled as men’s clothing. The line between the women’s and men’s department must be exactly where the two of them are standing, running straight through Kyungsoo like an invisible but oh so powerful spear.
“Would you rather I...” Kyungsoo says. The words are a dark cloud. They’re rain when you’re already late for work. They’re dropping your phone and seeing the screen has cracked when you lift it up. They’re forgetting a deadline. They’re being the only one among your friends not being asked to come and hang out.
“I would rather you be happy.” Jongin says, lifting Kyungsoo’s chin. “The sweater is nothing more than a sweater, just like your skirt is nothing more than a skirt. There is no baggage attached to it, no matter what the labels try to tell us. It’s just a shirt I thought you would like, not a message for you to change, or for you to be a certain way. It’s just a sweater.” He says, bending down to give Kyungsoo a kiss on the lips.
Kyungsoo smiles against his lips, smiles hard enough Jongin has to pull apart. He doesn’t pull away far, because he doesn’t want to. Instead he rubs his nose against Kyungsoo’s as Kyungsoo pushes the dark clouds away with his radiating happiness.
“I do like it.” Kyungsoo says and Jongin smiles. “I think it would be cute with the jumper pants you got me.” He adds on and Jongin laughs.
“You just want an excuse to wear them more often.” He teases, pulling away far enough so he can look into Kyungsoo’s eyes. They’re warmth, home, love.
“Of course.” Kyungsoo laughs, his smile is playful. “My boyfriend gave them to me.”
“He must be pretty awesome.” Jongin says, beginning to sort through the sweaters so he can find Kyungsoo’s size. He wonders if the other would like an XS, making it hug his small frame pretty well, or an S that would make it look oversized.
“He’s the greatest.” Kyungsoo says, reaching out for the XS Jongin holds out for him.
Jongin knows something is wrong when he goes to check on Kyungsoo’s Instagram and can’t find it. He knows something is really bad when Kyungsoo doesn’t reply to his phone calls. He worries the rest of the day, a restlessness settling into his bones and making him unable to properly concentrate.
He gets his answer when Kyungsoo comes home. He looks small, and pale. The worry grows worse. Kyungsoo won’t let him pull the tie off off his head, won’t let him exchange the shirt for a soft sweater, won’t let him kiss him. He just wanders into their bedroom and curls up on their bed.
Jongin, his heart shattering with each step, shuffles after. He doesn’t lay down. Instead he crouches down in front of his boyfriend, runs his fingers through the styled bangs, and gently presses his lips against Kyungsoo’s forehead.
“What happened?”
Kyungsoo’s body shudders, his hands reaching out for Jongin’s. Jongin takes them, watching as Kyungsoo struggles not to cry. The other hates crying. He says it makes him feel even worse because his throat aches, his chest is tight, and his stomach feels as if it’s full of acid.
But today, Kyungsoo cries.
Through tears he tells Jongin that his colleagues found his instagram. He tells him how they had laughed, had mocked him, had told him his pretty clothes were ugly, disgusting, awful. They had circled him like vultures around a dying animal, ready to strike and feed off its plight.
Jongin’s heart aches through it all. His happiness, his dearest Kyungsoo. He cannot understand why anyone would do anything like that. He cannot understand why anyone wouldn’t love his Kyungsoo. He doesn’t understand. And that aches almost as much as Kyungsoo’s tears.
He kisses them away, holds the other, and listens. He lets Kyungsoo cry, lets him feel. His fingers strokes through the dark hair, trying to pull the harsh words that still lingers away. His thumbs rub over the swollen cheeks, trying to remove the stares that stains the skin along with the tears. He kisses Kyungsoo’s ears, whispers sweet nothing, and tries to drown out the laughter.
It doesn’t work. Jongin feels powerless. His happiness, the most wonderful person in the world, does not deserve this. Kyungsoo deserves only the best things in life. He deserves compliments, smiles and adoration. He deserves to feel the love Jongin feels for him every single second of each day. He deserves to not have to fear being himself.
He deserves to see what Jongin is seeing.
When the tears have dried and Kyungsoo is safe in a cocoon of blankets and love in Jongin’s arms, Jongin’s heart breaks a second time.
Kyungsoo tells him he won’t be dressing in ‘girls’ clothes’ anymore. He won’t wear his soft sweaters, pretty skirts and gentle blouses anymore. He won’t spend any more time trying to find a perfect outfit, or replicate a pretty Instagram photo. He won’t dance happily in the sun as Jongin tries to capture the happiness in his smile. He won’t be himself anymore.
“It’s not worth it.”
But it is worth it. To Jongin it is.
Because Kyungsoo is worth it. And Kyungsoo’s happiness is worth it. It is worth it to see Kyungsoo look at home in his own body. It is worth it to see Kyungsoo’s cheeks fill with happiness and his eyes glint with laughter. It is worth it to see Kyungsoo walk with his back straight and at ease again. It is worth it to see Kyungsoo relax and allow himself to just be again.
Can’t Kyungsoo see that? Can’t Kyungsoo just see what Jongin is seeing?
But he can’t. He never has. Not even when it’s just the two of them.
So Jongin decides he needs to make the other see.
He doesn’t think when he does it. All he does is feel. It’s a Thursday about a month after Kyungsoo deleted his Instagram. He takes the day off, calls in sick, and spends a fortune at the local library printing picture after picture.
But Kyungsoo is worth every Won.
He doesn’t have a method to choosing the pictures other than the fact that they make him happy, and they show what he always sees in Kyungsoo, what other people can’t see. Some of them are blurry, snapped before the camera could focus properly, and some of them are poorly framed, Kyungsoo dancing too quickly and happily for Jongin to set up the shot, but all of them are perfect.
They’re the ones Kyungsoo rejected, the ones Jongin loves, the ones showing only happiness. They’re Kyungsoo laughing so hard his sides aches because Jongin won’t stop being silly. They’re Kyungsoo smiling as he tries roller skating in the park, his skirt flying in the wind. They’re Kyungsoo in bed under a hundred blankets in the winter mornings, warm, cosy and happy. They’re Kyungsoo’s smile filling the entire picture, because it makes Jongin’s heart feel so full it will explode any second. They’re Kyungsoo’s eyes fluttering shut as he blushes because Jongin paid his outfit a compliment. They’re Kyungsoo’s feet in frilly socks on the coffee table wiggling as he listens to his favorite song.
They’re happiness. Pure and free.
He fills the bedroom, every inch of the wall. He cries a little while doing it, but mostly he just laughs. The tape runs out several times over. It doesn’t matter. Because Kyungsoo is worth the trip to the convenience store even if the cold bites at Jongin’s ears and the cashier gives him odd looks the third time he shows up. Kyungsoo is worth the world, worth more than that.
He’s Jongin’s everything. And Jongin just wishes the other could see that.
Kyungsoo comes home like a dark cloud, hunched, bangs limps, suit like a prison caging him in. He is tired. He always is these days. His day had been alright. It always is these days. He’s not in the mood for Jongin to drag him into the bedroom. He never is these days.
Jongin does it anyways. He lifts Kyungsoo into his arms, carries him close, and ignores the frustration he hears in the other’s voice. It grows quiet the moment he steps into the bedroom. Kyungsoo stills in his arms. He grows limp, and then he grows tall as he stands on his own two feet.
His fingers dance over the pictures, lifting the ones that cover others, and the dark cloud disperses at the first laugh that chimes from his lips. The colours return to him as he spins in the room, his eyes bright for the first time in weeks. The energy returns to him, his sad bangs being pushed out of his face as he takes a closer look at the corner of selfies Jongin set up, the ones that weren’t any good because Jongin was looking at Kyungsoo instead of the camera, the ones where Jongin’s lips gently curl upwards and his eyes holds nothing but love.
He transforms, grows, returns into himself, and Jongin can’t keep the tears at bay. Kyungsoo laughs at him, pulls him close, and asks why.
“Because you couldn’t see it.” Jongin answers. “You didn’t see what I see every time I look at you. You said you weren’t worth it, but you are. You said you weren’t pretty, but you are. You said the others were right, but they are wrong, because they can’t see this.” His voice is thick with tears, but he’s smiling because Kyungsoo is.
Kyungsoo’s laugh is wet, his emotions spilling out of every inch of him, and Jongin holds him so close his arms ache with happiness. Kyungsoo is thanking him, telling him he never realized this was how Jongin saw him, saying how he can see now, can see what Jongin sees, can see how worth it is.
It's worth it all.
Kyungsoo twirls, the skirt bellowing in the wind, as Jongin snaps yet another picture. It’s blurry, Kyungsoo moving too fast for him to capture, but it’s perfect. Jongin runs after him as he skips, helps him catch the sunhat that flew off in the wind, and tackles him to the ground.
Kyungsoo laughs, pure, happy, free. It fills the park, making people look over at them, but Kyungsoo only looks at Jongin. He doesn’t care, doesn’t care that the coral coloured Mary Janes on his feet makes people ask questions. Doesn’t care that the blouse hanging off his shoulders makes people raise eyebrows. Doesn’t care that the world can’t see, because the only person that ever mattered can see, and always have.
He grabs the camera, snapping a picture of Jongin as the other laughs. It’s off centre, Jongin’s nose filling most of the picture, but it’s perfect. The air around them is warm. It’s summer, and Kyungsoo has been longing for the right day for this outfit.
It’s a beige knee length skirt, one he had on one of his first dates with Jongin, and an off the shoulder white blouse that makes Jongin kiss the crook of his neck every time he wears it. The sun hat is second hand, happy memories already weaved into the straw, and the white socks have grass stains on them from Kyungsoo’s dancing. He feels pretty, and perfect, and like himself. He feels complete, he feels happy, he feels the way he wants Jongin to see him.
He raises the camera above them, and looks over at Jongin. The other notices the camera and immediately smiles, moving closer to Kyungsoo and helping him steady it. Jongin’s smile is bright, rivalling the sun. It’s making Kyungsoo feel so full of love he’s sure he’s about to burst.
Jongin snaps a picture, and Kyungsoo still hasn’t looked away from the other. His smile is gentle on his lips, his eyes full of love. Jongin complains that the picture is no good, that Kyungsoo has to look too. But Kyungsoo is looking, and he’s seeing. He’s seeing what he didn’t saw before, what Jongin made him see. He’s seeing that he’s worth the happiness, that he’s worth the struggle.
He’s seeing that Jongin’s happiness is worth it, and always have been, and always will be.
He’s seeing Jongin, with all of his heart and his soul. And it’s perfect.