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Chapter Text

Sirius returns home on a Friday evening from his work at the Ministry, courtesy of Dumbledore because no one would've hired him after five years of not working or studying, and remembers for the fiftieth time that week that another full moon has passed by. As he stands below the shower, all sense of time lost, he wonders how long he can carry on like this; a thought that often crosses his mind; his own misery and self pity threatens to suffocate him and he wants to drown, he would be glad if self pity and misery were tangible; capable of smothering him in the dark so that tomorrow's morning light could never penetrate him. There's nothing in his life but Harry and it should be reason enough, because James and Lily and dozens of other friends and people died to protect Harry and win the war and Harry was the only good thing that survived it; so yes Harry should be reason enough for him to want to live but most days it isn't and he finds his thoughts dangerously tilting towards things Remus had healed him from.

 But that was nineteen years ago. 

Fourteen years ago, Remus had given up on him; they had given up on each other and Sirius wills himself to stop thinking and chides himself. He remembers he's standing under the shower when the water starts to run cold but he still waits a while, letting the sharp needs of ice water run over him once, hoping that it would clear him mind at least for the next few hours. He desperately needs it. 

As he puts on his pyjamas, he catches his reflection in the mirror and realizes he hasn't shaved in over a week. He'd put it off everyday, like he does most things, but it irritates him now and he hurries and shaves nicking himself in two places.

Fuck this. 

He sighs. It's just the moon, he tells himself and feels stupid because he's not, in any way, physically affected by that particular celestial body. It's Remus, not him and that's something he thinks he'll spend the rest of his life convincing himself.  Maybe even that is a lie. Sirius knew, against all his intentions to not know, that Padfoot always felt the moon. Even when they were in school, during holidays Sirius would toss and turn in his bed, restless because he knew Moony was suffering and when he gave into his urges and turned into Padfoot, he could feel Moony and everything the moon did to him. But that connection is long dissevered and he doesn't know when that happened. He's glad too because he thinks a part of him died when that link broke and he would rather not probe into what he lost there. He wouldn't be able to bear it anyway. But the moon and the impending horror of him getting to know the next day, through an inconspicuous owl, that Remus is dead, is something that gnaws on him every month. He knows it'll be after a full moon; ever cell and nerve and neuron knows that he'll get to know after a full moon.

He sighs and washes away the blood from his chin and avoids looking the magical moon tattooed over his chest. It's been five days since the full, had he been dead, they would've discovered his body by now.

He debates whether he should wash the dishes in the sink or just drown himself in whisky and sleep. But the dishes have been there since Sunday, when Harry came to meet him. He should wash them, why aren't they smelling by now? He prefers to do it the muggle way, keeps his mind away from unnecessary thoughts.

It's almost nine in the evening, the waning gibbons moon hangs high in the clear sky interrupted only by the soft white clouds that remind him of cotton candy and trips to muggle fairs with Remus and Lily. They both loved cotton candy. James always found it too sweet Peter only ever took a bite and he ate it only because Remus loved it; he also loved the way it would melt on his tongue and the taste of Remus sweet lips afterwards was something that still ghosted over Sirius's lips in his sleep. 

There's a low, steady wind blowing outside and it makes Sirius's wet hand shake a little but he decides he like the feel of that cold on his skin. The open window above his sink offers a view of the distant hills, dark but occasionally starry, lights belonging to homes that peak through the leaves and reach him as a reminder that somewhere out of his reach is a happy family, kids who's parents are alive, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, mothers and fathers- all of who are alive because his family, he lost everything in a war that they were oblivious of.

Bitter thought and ,on weekends, Harry are the only things that keep him company and he knows how fucked up that is because bitter thoughts and Harry are worlds apart or at least they're supposed to be but every time he looks at his godson he's reminded of what both of them lost.

He sighs again and looks at the trees close by. They're huge, gigantic, born long before him and will probably outlast him and he simply loves how easily their branches bend at the wind, the leaves rustling reminds him of the ocean waves breaking on the shore and that trip they took in '76 where Remus had woken him up in the middle of the night and they'd sneaked out and kissed under an arm of the galaxy that stretched out over them, horizon to horizon. He still feels the ghost of Remus's lips on his, his warms fingers sneaking under Sirius's cotton t-shirt and the sweet, sweet taste of Remus...

He startles at a sudden noise. His trance is broken and he finds himself back in the present a plate lying in pieces at his feet. His immediate urge is to break the rest of the utensils as well.
 

Fuck this shit. Fuck the thoughts in his head. Had it not been for Harry, he would've preserved his memories in jars, hundreds of them because for ten fucking years he'd lived and breathed with his friends and loved Remus with every atom in his body and he couldn't bear for them to be lost in a spell; so he would've preserved them in glass jars and hidden them for himself before obliviating himself. Oh! What sweet peace it would be; He'd be reduced to a lifeless shell, incapable of basic movement maybe, and then it would've only taken him days, a week to just fade away and die.

He washes his hand, gets himself a beer and stands gazing outside at the dark night. The usual cacophony of nightly creatures feels better than the heavy silence that'll fill the room once he closes the window and so he decides to keep it open but slips into his couch and lights up the fire with his wand. He stares at the burning embers, crackling   in the stillness of the room- Remus  sitting on the floor, cross-legged, book on his lap, resting his face in one of his palm and slender fingers playing with the edges of the pages; James pats him on the back and Lily's blazing hair is falling back as she laughs at something James says; Remus joins in- but their laughter seems getting distant as he's filled with a melancholy he cannot quite explain and then he's in his present, the fire is crackling but there's something  silent and hollow that fills the space between the atoms in his body making him sad and uneasy in a way he hasn't felt in a while; like knowing something terrible was going to happen but also knowing that he wasn't alone in it. But he is; there's nothing or no one with him. He realizes there's a dirge he hasn't heard before and it seems to fill everything around him.

"Padfoot."

Sirius drops the bottle of beer and in an instant has his wand in his hand. This cannot be happening. It's your hallucination. He cannot be here.

He looks around frantically but then his eyes fall on the open window and there's a silhouette just beyond the edge of visibility. With his hammering heart he slowly takes a step forward and the darkness moves away from him.

"Remus." Sirius whispered unsure if he has a voice at all but there is an animalistic sound in response and Sirius sprints the next few steps, "Lumos." The light catches the shadow off guard and Sirius sees a vile, heinous face, mutilated by the demon himself fall back. He retorts back, scared and repelled and by the time he runs out of the house, into the backyard, the shadow, if at all it was there, is gone and everything is as calm as always.

Everything around him feels a little hazy and the earth seems to be trembling or maybe it's him. It's him, he realizes when he sees his wand in his trembling hand held out, ready for attack if needed. But there's nothing there and when a snapping twig makes him jump and almost fall on the ground, he realizes he's acting paranoid-it could've been a hallucination.

He trudges back inside the cottage, trying to make sense of what he'd just seen-who was he, or what was it? It couldn't have been Remus but the sound- he'd heard his name clearly, a name only he knew now.

He closes shut the window; the heave silence is better than his paranoia, locks his doors and the rest of the windows with charms before sitting on the sofa again and takes a swing of beer to calm his nerves. Maybe he should cut off a little bit on the alcohol. But it couldn't have been his hallucination, he remembers the madman laughing at him from the papers on 31st October,1981, he remembers twenty years old Remus, he remembers eleven years old Remus but never could he have imagined the creature of hell he'd just seen. He couldn't believe that his mind, despite everything, could make Remus's image of that form. Something else is going on but as the adrenaline exits his system, he feels more tired that usual and before long drifts off in a hazy world in his head.

**

He can't breathe. Merlin there's no air but he still feels poisonous fumes burning his lungs but he can't see anything.

' Padfoot.' There's a hushed whisper, a fading plea.

' Remus.' He shouts but there's endless darkness all around and he waves his arms frantically to feel something, anything.

And then there's a vile laughter followed by his name again. Only this time it isn't the hushed plea. It's a gruesome voice, taunting him and he knows it belong to a face he's seen before.

But there's that hushed plea again. ' Padfoot.' A fading, tired whisper that he knows can't be rescued anymore. 'Please Remus, where are you?'

Both the voice call to him and the naked contrast makes him cry.

" Please, Remus. Tell me where you are."

He didn't realize he's been moving but there's a faint light coming closer to him and then there's something slippery and wet under his feet and even in the darkness he knows it's blood. As the light comes closer, he sees two figure, entwined in a strange way and there's the smell of burning flesh and blood all around. One of them looks up and Sirius staggers backward; it's the same face, the evil lurking in the shadows with no eyes or nose, only a mouth to devour it's prey and then he sees Remus in his arms, his Remus, chest cracked open, blood dripping from his limp arms that look cold and dead. 

"No.." He screams. "No you can't have him.."

Sirius runs to them, damn the devil, he needs to save Remus but when he takes him in his arms, Remus's eyes are lifeless, face frozen in horror and there's nothing but darkness in his chest cavity. Sirius sees the devil open his mouth wide to kill him whole but hears his name in the hushed whisper, pleading voice that could belong to no one but Remus and then he looks down and from Remus's wide open mouth he hears his name, cruel and grotesque.

Sirius wakes with a wail tearing through him and turns to get away but falls on the floor with a thud, gasping for breath. His head is throbbing and vision is hazy but he can make out outline of familiar everyday items and it helps him to remember where he is. His cottage and he's alone. The fire is still burning and the crackling of the embers  warm him on the inside. He lets the tears burning his eyes fall through before he pulls himself up to the washroom and splashes water over his face and neck. As he sighs and looks in the mirror he sees that dark shadows under his eyes, his cheeks have sunken and his collarbone is jutting out more than usual. He can't remember the last time he's eaten properly, with Harry maybe, last Sunday. It doesn't matter because most days the thought of eating makes him nauseous. He mostly eats when he's with Harry. He pulls himself back to the couch and curls into himself, his eyes are still burning and he let's the tears fall down his nose and mouth. He's so very cold.

He's suspended somewhere between the world of the living and dead when he starts hearing a distinct rapturing and is woken up as it gets closer and more urgent. He pushes himself up to find an owl pecking on the closed window urgently and his world stops for a second. Remus. Dead. This can't be happening now. It takes him a while to gather up his wits and open the window. An old grey owl flies in  and sits on his table, dropping a mug and a candle in the process but being typically unperturbed by any of it, as if seeking revenge for making it wait so long. There's a letter and a rolled up copy of the Daily Prophet that the owl is carrying. As Sirius attempts to take the letter from it's legs, it pecks him once arrogantly but flies away as soon as Sirius gathers the things from him.

He reads the letter first; there's no seal; Dumbledore's curvy handwriting is his only tell,

Read the news but do not act on impulse. Harry is safe.

Harry is safe means that there is a reason for him to not be safe and that's in the paper? Sirius hurries and unrolls the paper and his world wobbles on it's axis as he reads the bold black letters proclaiming

                                                                   Escaped From Azkaban.

Below it is a picture of Remus, 21, laughing, a laughter that's haunted and taunted Sirius for twelve years in dreams and in waking. He doesn't read anything else. He can't go beyond the picture, can't read the bits of information new reports seems to keep repeating about old cases to jog people's memory about an incident. It has after all been twelve years but he needs no reminder. Every detail is etched with perfect clarity in his memory. He sits at the table, not deliberately though; he wants to break and smash everything around him to dust, but really his legs won't move. He can't move and is forced to sit in the chair with the picture of Remus, apparently, 'the first person ever to escape from Azkaban' smiling at him, still taunting Sirius about how he'd single-handedly destroyed everyone who'd ever loved and cared for him and no one had even seen it coming.
But there's one memory that ricocheted off the walls of Sirius's brain.

It was the summer of '75 when Sirius finally ran away from home amongst a screaming match between him and his parents, wands singeing off his name off the family tapestry, curses shot at him from his father's wand and mouth and amidst pleas and tears from his brother entreating, begging for him too give all of them one last chance and to just stay.
"Please Siri." Regulus  stood at his door as he hurries and packs all his belongings in his trunk."

I can't stay Reg. They'll kill me." Sirius said getting together his books.

"Just try and be a little nice." Regulus whispered, not looking at him because Sirius knew that Regulus knew how hilarious and ill logical  that sounded.

"You've always been  the son who lived up to their expectation. It's not me. Never have been. This should've happened  much earlier." He said waving his hand widely around his chaotic room. " I should've left earlier."

"But this is home, Siri." Regulus looked up, wide grey eye pleading for him to understand.

" Not to me." Sirius shook his head. " Come with me Reg. You don't have to listen to them. You don't have to joining Voldemort. You can live your life as you want."

"I can't. What will happen to mum and dad if we both leave?" Regulus said and it was then that Sirius thought that maybe somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, Regulus wanted to leave too but just couldn't because he'd stolen that chance from him.

But it was too late now. Sirius couldn't decide to stay in order for Regulus to be free. If all the cuts and bruises on him were anything to go by, they would kill him the first chance they get.
 

Four days later Remus showed up at James's, bandages all over him but he looked maniacal rather than tired when he rush into James's bedroom where he's been cooped up since he'd arrived.

"Sirius." Remus had whispered scared, angry and frustrated at the situation. The voice was a balm of Sirius's soul, like his physical injuries and gaping wounds would start sewing themselves back together if only that voice uttered his name with such reverence and care over and over.

That summer had been particularly hot. The sun scorched the earth and the hot air made people's nose and eyes burn like poisonous, arson fumes were rising out of earth. But that night there was a storm, thunder cracked open the sky in purple-blue hues and the rain was incessant. The continuous pattering of raindrops on the roof made it impossible to hear anything. Sirius, unable to sleep in his bed, had climbed into Remus's and Remus, though still asleep, had, out of habit, shifted and allowed Sirius space to sleep and then curled himself around him. The solid warmth of Remus's arm around him had grounded him that night.

"Thank you." He's whispered to himself and in return, Remus had snuggled closer and groggily said, " I'm always here. Love you, Siri."

When Sirius blinks his eyes because everything is hazy, he realizes he's been crying. The morning dull sunlight that usually falls on the floor of his kitchen is gone taking the morning with it. He doesn't care how long he's been sitting and can't remember if he has any work. So why the fuck would he care if another morning of his miserable, purposeless life was spent in vivid reminiscence of his past?

The knocks at his door, five of them, getting more urgent and annoyed, finally makes him move. As Dumbledore sits down on the table, Sirius choose to stand and leans against the kitchen counter. He makes no attempt to offer tea, he doesn't have the energy for the courtesy.

" Mr. Black I need to ask you, has Mr. Lupin tried to contact with you?" Dumbledore asks, his blue eyes piercing  Sirius's grey ones. Sirius knows what he's tying to do.

"No. Get out of my head." He snarls. "I would've killed him."

"This is not the time for rash decisions." Dumbledore says sternly. "If he does indeed contact you, you'll inform me and the matter will be handled by the Ministry." The finality in his words left no place for Sirius to argue.

"Is Harry safe?" Sirius asks instead. " How can I be sure that he'll be safe?"

"I have a protective detail on him and no one can harm him in his house." Dumbledore says calmly and Sirius is enraged at all the false promises he's heard over the years and been forced to believe in only to have them broken. There's been too much of collateral damage for him to believe in anything the old professor had to say.

"You told me  they would be safe and they're dead." Sirius shouts. " I cannot trust anyone other than myself to keep Harry safe. Let me bring him here and keep him safe."

"Absolutely not." Dumbledore remains unperturbed by Sirius's outburst. "This place has no protection and you are in no state to look after a child."
Sirius fumes but can't argue against him. He knows Dumbledore is telling the truth. Keeping himself in control for a day for Harry is different but he can barely make it through a day without panic attacks or drinking away an entire bottle of fire whiskey. " I could try. I will do anything to keep him safe." He pleads this time. " Please. I can't loose him."

"You won't. There are powers we don't understand, Sirius. Harry is safe, I promise you." Dumbledore sounds honest and Sirius has no choice but to give up.

" I can still see him tomorrow, right?" Sirius knows the answer even before he's finished the question.

"I would advice against it. I've even informed Mrs. Dursley to keep Harry in the house." The headmaster says softly.

"There's a month left for term to begin." Sirius whispers. " He'll go mad in that house." But as he says this he doesn't know if he's talking about himself or Harry.

"There's another thing, I came to talk to you about." Dumbledore says as he pulls out a piece of rolled parchment from his robes. " We need a DADA professor and I want you to take the post."

Sirius is dumbfounded. "Me?"

"Yes. You know the castle inside out, more than I, I daresay and I would like to have someone who knows all that Mr. Lupin knows not to mention that you can stay close to Harry, protect him and in case he needs to know the truth, who better than you can explain things to him!"

Dumbledore's manipulation never ceased to amaze Sirius. He'd been barred from meeting Harry for the first ten years of his life and there was nothing Sirius hadn't said or done but Dumbledore had listened to nothing, pointing out repeatedly how incompetent he'd be in his grief stricken state. Now the same man wanted Sirius to protect Harry and explain everything that would turn his insides out. Sirius would rather, he explain everything to Harry than have Dumbledore tell him a coloured version to the situation but he couldn't deny that the very though made him want to puke out the poison that has become his blood.

"All you have to do is sign here." Dumbledore spreads out the parchment that seemed to be his appointment notice and waits patiently, knowing undoubtedly that he'll do anything to protect Harry. There is no choice, never has been, everything was a cosmic map that'd already been laid out, the destination pre-determined, he would only decide the path he would take.

Silently Sirius conjures up a quill and signs the parchment. "Let me see Harry, please." He begs, the last sliver of hope for his sanity; he'd do anything to protect him.

"I am afraid he needs to stay in the house to be safe." Dumbledore rolls up the parchment and makes his way towards the road.

"Let me go and see him. I'll not take him out." Sirius follows him out till the door; his heart shrivelling, dying in his chest. "It's four weeks."

"And what if you lead Mr. Lupin straight to Harry?" Sirius flinches at the name." I believe he will try to contact you or be near you." Dumbledore turns on the spot and disapparates, not waiting for a reply.

Sirius tries to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth as he turns back into the house. He wouldn't see Harry for the next month and without that he had no intention of cleaning his house or himself. Who the fuck cares? He looked around the empty kitchen, dusk had creeped up on him and the sky, only the red-orange streaks of cloud remained, remnant of the cloudy day waiting to be over taken by the shadow. He stares out of his kitchen window for a while and sees a few light flicker onto life in the swell of distant hills and jealousy lights his nerves on fire. He gets a bottle of Ogden's out and cracks the seal open; sitting on his sofa  he takes a swing from the bottle and lets the whiskey warm up and tingle his extremities.

He'd been asleep for a while, at least he thought so, but something had woken him up. He tried to open his eyes to see what it was but Remus's voice softly said," Sorry, Pads. Go off to sleep."

But he felt a horribly stiff neck and groaned, his throat dry as well. He wanted to say something but didn't know what.

"Come on. I won't let you sleep here." Remus fingers were cold on his skin as he attempted to pull him off the sofa and he flinched. "How long have you been back?" Remus asked.

Sirius was more awake now. "1.30." He mumbled and even though Remus was cold, Sirius buried his nose in the crook of his neck to take in the familiar smell of comfort that was Remus for him. " I missed you."

"Yeah. I can see that." Remus said, tired laughter in his voice, Sirius guessed, after seeing him wear Remus's oversized cardigan.

He was on the bed, nested in a warm blanket even before he realized and then Remus was creeping in with him, tired, Sirius guessed as he heard Remus trip four times between washroom and bed. He finally forced his eyes open and though it was dark he could make out the faint outline of Remus sitting up in bed.

"Are you okay?" He asked suddenly more awake, Remus's breath was heavy and raspy." What happened?" Sirius sat up and tried to pull him towards himself but Remus protested.

"I ne..need the air." He gasped.

Sirius was out of his bed in an instant and opened the windows,  letting the crispy night air in and lit up the room in a dim light, conjured up a glass of water and sat down on the bed. Remus looked relatively calm by the madness in his eyes betrayed him. "Re, what happened?'

Remus took the glass of water from Sirius and drank deeply. "Nothing." He nodded his head vehemently.

"Re, please. Are you hurt? Please say something." Sirius pleaded, his heart hammering in his chest, always assuming the worse.

"He assigned me a mission." Remus whispered in  a sigh and lowered his head.

"Already?" They were barely out of school, still in training and without stable jobs and no one else had been assigned missions yet.
Remus nodded.

"Remus, you can't..." Sirius started but was cut off.

" I don't have a choice." Remus whispered. "Dumbledore..I ow..owe it to him."

" W..what?" Sirius felt the blood drain from his face and pool in a nauseating mess in his stomach. Debts to Dumbledore demanded high prizes.

"I..got a letter from Gre..Greyback..." Remus looked up to meet his eyes once, ashamed, as if everything that'd even happened to him had been his fault and not that vile monster's and then Sirius realized, in a split second, that Remus had never mentioned anything about this before. " He wants me to join him..on his side.."

"Moony..." Sirius gasped, all the air got knocked out of him and he shivered, head reeling at Remus words. Surely Remus wouldn't consider this.

"I told Dumbledore and now he wants me to.."Sirius couldn't hear Remus finish the sentence as he jumped out of the bed and started pacing, his mind screaming NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!

"Sirius, please." Remus voice was soft, like a whisper but Sirius would hear it even if he were dead- a tender plea, a hushed prayer that pulled at him and reminded him of Remus on a atomic level. "Please come here. I nee..."

But Sirius was already cupping Remus's face, kissing him tenderly on his closed eyelids, eyebrows and nose, wiping of tears from his scarred cheeks. "It's okay. I'm here." He whispered as he rested his forehead against him. Remus fisted his palms around Sirius's tee and pulled him close, dropping his head on Sirius's shoulder, back heaving as he attempted to breath steady. Sirius ran his hands up and down Remus arms, whispering words of comfort.

"I don't have a choice." Remus said softly when he'd found his breath again. " I shouldn't have told Dumbledore but it felt like a betrayal.." And it stung Sirius. How could not telling Dumbledore feel like a betrayal when Remus hadn't even mentioned it to him. But he bit back down on his words; if Remus didn't tell him there would be a perfectly good reason for it and this was the least appropriate time to question his choices. "...And now he wants me to be with them on the full moon."
 

Sirius fumed. "NO."

"Don't shout." Remus said his jaws clenched, body rigid as he squared his shoulders. "This is not easy for me. The last thing I need is for you to go and start shouting at Dumbledore. I owe him everything and I'm willing to do it."

Sirius looked at Remus dumbfounded. The full moon was only three days away and he knew Remus was always edgy around the full moon and the way his eyes shone golden in the dim light of the room, though familiar, scared Sirius, the glint of madness in Moony's eyes is not something he'd seen before. "You've made up your mind then?"

"Yes." Remus sounded confident.

"None of us will be there, not Padfoot..."

"That is the point. Dumbledore wants me to gain his trust." Remus sighed, shoulders suddenly sagging under the invisible burden. "I'm sorry Padfoot."

"No..no.." Sirius whispered. He is the last person who should've been sorry. "C'mer." He pulled Remus ,making his chin rest on his shoulders and palm over his spine." Merlin you're so cold."

"You're so comfy." Remus muttered, falling heavily on Sirius. He pulled the both of them down to the bed, covered themselves with a blanket and took Remus's palm between his and started rubbing them for heat; Remus, in his sleep, pushed his cold toes in between Sirius's calves making him shiver and laugh at the familiarity of it. "Love you, Moony."

" Pads..." Remus sighed in his dreams.

The next morning Sirius smoked the entire time that Remus spent packing a small bag and preparing to leave for Greyback's camp. "Fucking stop it." Remus had finally said at noon when the room was practically swimming hazy with smoke. Sirius looked at him nervously. 'Don't go. Please don't fucking go' Sirius wanted to scream and break something or maybe perhaps Remus so that he would just stay put and not go to a pack of blood-thirsty beasts for the transformation. Who will look after him there? Who will heal and bandage his wounds or give him water the next morning; hold his shriving, trembling naked form? Everything secret and sacred about Remus would be bared in front of those monsters for them to see but Sirius couldn't say anything going on in his head. 'Am I not a monster, then.' Remus would say and nothing Sirius would say would make a difference. He crushed out the burning end slowly and looked up at Remus, pacing in front, nervous.

Sirius couldn't stand up on his own feet when Remus opened the door and said that he was leaving. " I'll be back on Tuesday." Sirius had to grab hold of the door frame. Monday would be the full moon and then..." Remus, Merlin..please."

"Don't make it any harder than it already is." Remus whispered as he walked down the first flight of stairs. "I'll come back fine, I promise." With that Sirius was left standing alone at his door to live out the next four days in anxious  waiting.

Sirius couldn't sleep any of the nights; during day he went to Auror training with James, Peter and Lily and the evenings he went back  to James and Lily's little cosy flat. They knew Remus had been sent on a mission but Sirius divulged no further details and they didn't ask questions. James would occasionally pat him in the back, reassuringly, but mostly to bring him out of his endless dead thoughts. Lily offered him beer, James offered him a joint but he declined; everything made him nauseous, he played around with  the food that they brought  home and Lily looked at him worried, nudged James to do something but James is clueless as well. They're all clueless at this point about where they fit in  in the world, in the war, the roles they have to play. Sirius left at around 8 everyday. James and Lily had just started living together. He didn't want to intrude in their lives. He could see the restless spark between them in their shared glances, fleeting soft touches and it ate away at him. What if Remus never came back? What if he never got to touch and kiss Remus again? Being alone never did him any good. He could've gone to Peter's flat; he'd been invited on numerous occasions but he didn't find that comfort with Peter that he found with James and Lily. He felt shame at certain points when he realized that his bond with Peter was nearly not as strong  as that with James or Lily, nowhere close to what he shared with Remus. Sirius realized they'd all left him behind in some ways and shivered at the thought of how he'd have survived had their places been exchanged. After leaving James's flat, he walked back to his own home but it felt cold and dark without Remus. He left the lights on everywhere, kept the music on, lit up the fireplace but nothing drowned the deafening silence that'd taken permanent residence in his veins.

Tuesday morning he went to training and got hit four times. He was sluggish and tired, could barely see clearly after three sleepless nights and his body was sore all over. The moon somehow had started affecting him as well, although he couldn't say if it was all in his head or some aspect of magic unknown to them.  He was let go off early by a very irritated Mr. Puerce, their trainer, after a bout of obscene words had been hurled at him but Sirius couldn't hear anything above the ringing of his ears. He went back to an empty home and anxiety clawed away at him bit by bit as he waited, excruciating seconds and minutes. He had to talk to Dumbledore. Something must've happened to Moony, he should've been back by now. As he made up his mind to apparate to Hogsmeade and then walk up to the castle, he heard a faint thud on the door. As he pulled open the wooden door, Remus, leaning against the side wall, collapsed on the floor. Sirius's head reeled as he took in Remus's bloody, muddy clothes; there was blood all over him. It took him a beat to recover and think about pulling Remus up but the moment he touched Remus, the cry of agony that escaped him was enough to pull the building to the ground.

Jesus, fuck. Sirius hurried and conjured up a stretcher and levitated Remus up and took him to their bed but Remus kept groaning. The first thing Sirius did was cast a silencing charm all over the room to prevent over-curious neighbours from asking questions. He got everything he could find in his medicine cabinet and started healing Remus's wounds. Some of them were more nasty and unwilling to heal. Sirius took care of the major gashes first; too much of magic will cause trouble; the smaller cuts can be healed the muggle way-bandages and antiseptics. The cries of pain from Remus every time Sirius touched him struck his soul. He'd never seen Moony injured so badly, not even after what he'd done in fifth year. This pain seemed raw and primal; churned Sirius's innards and left him crying, unbreathable, uncontrolled sobbing. There were claw marks on his back but Sirius couldn't be sure if they were Moony's or someone else's. He touched the soft skin around that wound and Remus groaned painfully. Sirius felt fire in his veins as he thought of a vile paw ripping off Remus's skin and how much he would've howled in pain as a result.... 

Sirius puked in the sink, bringing out all the alcohol he'd consumed, feeling it burn his throat like poison and leaving behind a black charred mass of flesh still burning in his stomach. He gasped. He avoided thinking of this incident. It was the firs time he he'd seen, first hand, the ravages of war, the price people pay; bodies of Order members hadn't started dropping or disappearing until after a year and the memories of it gave him nightmares till date.

A slight knock on his door, jars him back to his senses.

"Sirius." It was Regulus and Sirius hesitates. He doesn't want to let his brother see him like this. "I know you're in there." But he knows that Regulus is only knocking out of courtesy. He could've walked in straight, how much ever it might've annoyed him.

"Can I come in?" He asks as Sirius holds the door open without moving. From the way Regulus's eyes stick on him, he knows he looks worse than he feels. He moves and lets Regulus come in.

"What do you want Reg?" He asks agitated  at the way his brother goes about making coffee in the kitchen like he fucking owns the place.

"Well, I heard and came.." He trails off looking for sugar.

"Left, top shelf." Sirius mutters. " I don't need a baby sitter."

"You're here drinking your days away, Siri. " Regulus puts down two mugs on the table a little forcefully. " So don't tell me what you need or don't."

"Why the hell are you here?" Sirius asks again.

"I came to see you." Regulus says sincerely this time and Sirius wants to break into pieces, tiny, million pieces, dust maybe, because his emotions are over whelming him, over powering him, the gravity pulling down from his stomach, making him double over in pain and beg, plead and pray for it to just stop.

"He escaped Reg." Sirius sits down heavily on the chair, pulling his hair back harshly making strands break and come out in his hands.

"I know. I'm sorry. Sirius" Regulus sits down as well. " But.."

"It wasn't your fault Reg. None of it." Sirius says knowing that Regulus still regretted pulling him in so deep back then; without any answers or results, they'd just kept digging, one mystery after the another, one secret after the other.

"Well it wasn't yours either Sirius.."

"Of course it was." Sirius snaps. He hates Regulus defending him against himself. " I lo...shared a bed, a life with him; he betrayed us and I didn't even see it coming. "
"You couldn't have. Just like no one knew about our work, we couldn't have know about his. We were at war. Hiding was part of the job and we all did it good. We've been doing that all our lives." Regulus says bitterly.

"Do you know anything about this?" Sirius asks. Regulus works at the Ministry as well and Sirius hopes he'll be able to tell him something that Dumbledore might've hidden.

Regulus nods his head. "No. The officer in charge was called because the dementors thought he might've been...dead..But the officer found the cell empty. That is all. The bars were intact, no lock broken. He just disappeared."

Sirius takes a shaky breath. " But it was the full moon...How could he.."

"I know. I checked the calendar the moment I heard." Regulus says and hesitates.

"What? What is it?" Sirius asks as he sense his hesitation.

"The ministry has know about the disappearance for two days. They didn't want the news to leak..."

"You knew?" Sirius whispers in disbelief. " A..And didn't say anything."

"Siri, I know what it would do to you..."

"After ever full moon, I wait for a fucking letter telling me that he's dead. And you knew this and didn't tell me?" Sirius shouts, fisting his hands on the table.

"Dumbledore told me not to." Regulus says exasperated.

"Fuck. Jesus."  Sirius grabs the coffee filled mug and smashes it on the ground. He goes and stands by  the window. " Get out of here. You're all the same."

" Sirius that is just unfair." Regulus says forcefully. " And you know it."

" You knew. You knew and I got to know in the morning newspaper." Sirius mutters to himself; looking at his reflection in the dark glass, he looks completely crumbled and incapacitated, tired and older than he's felt in a while. " How's that right?"

"Because we don't knew if he's alive." Regulus says softly and Sirius spins around to look at him.

"What?"

"Aurors have been patrolling the entire coastline. There are traps and spells everywhere to detect him. There's nothing anywhere."  Regulus looks tied as well.

"But you said no one knows when he escaped.."

"Yes. But full moon was on Monday. If he escaped before that; where did he transform? There are no reports of attacks or dead animals or anything really. And..I don't know, you think he could've swam to shore after a transformation?"

"The person I knew couldn't have.." Sirius turns back to look out of the window. He'd seen something or someone there yesterday. Was it Remus? Could it have been him? " So you're saying..." Sirius can't get the words out of his mouth. He would rather prefer Remus is disfigured, grotesque and vile and out for blood, out of his mind, insane; anything other than...

"I'm saying he might not even be alive." Regulus's whispered words make him shiver. For a moment he considers telling him about the events of last night but then stops himself. Regulus might call him mad, check him into rehab and that might jeopardize his chance to teach at Hogwarts and be with Harry. He wouldn't let that happen. So he swallows his words and nods wordlessly.

"I'm just asking you to be prepared."  Regulus says.

Sirius waits for him to leave. What more could either of them possible have to say to each other.  " So you're meeting Harry tomorrow?" His brother asks, perhaps trying to take on a less morbid topic of conversation.

Sirius sighs. " Dumbledore barred me from seeing before school begins; thinks I'll lead Remus straight to him."

"How will you see him after?" Regulus asks confused as Sirius realizes he'd not told him about the post he'd been offered at Hogwarts.

"Dumbledore offered me the DADA post this year." He says bluntly but the look of confusion on Regulus's face almost  makes him laugh.

"You?" Regulus asks in disbelief. " He asked you."

" Yeah." Sirius doesn't have the energy to get offended but , really, he's completely capable of teaching Defence to students.

"Well then get your shit together."  Regulus says. "You're great at DADA but look at you; You're a mess. How the fuck will you teach first years?"
Sirius is really taken aback this time. " I really look that bad?"

"Come on, Siri. You were puking your liquid lunch when I came in, you stink of alcohol and Merlin knows what, this place is a mess, you have no routine whatsoever and you're not going to meet Harry for the next month. I'll be surprized if you stay sane after the last one." Sirius's innards burnt at his brothers words. They were true to the last letter and it made him feel miserable and charred; burned from the insides.

"Just leave." He says calmly.

"Come and stay with me." Regulus requests as he prepares to leave.

"Reg, you know I can't." Sirius scoffs. " Just go. I'll be fine."

"Siri, Please." And it was a strange Deja vu. They'd both been here before. Sirius was leaving Grimmauld Place and Regulus was begging him to stay. He'd known he would be fine then; James, his parents, Remus; they'd all been  there for him back then. He was not so sure of his words now. But what could he possible do? He couldn't go back to that dark house. If all else failed, that would surely kill him. " At least promise me you won't go looking after him."

Sirius can't say 'no'. He wishes, more than anything, that leaving his heart out of the equation will be so easy. But it has never been so easy with Remus.

"Please." Regulus requests once more before he retreats out of the house.

Sirius can hear the sheets rustle behind Remus's closed curtains. He tries to ignore it. They've been fighting and Sirius hates every minute of it. They've been together for two years now and on occasions they'd spoken about moving in together after they graduate but last night , accidently, he'd let slips something about marriage and Remus has freaked. After the initial bout of ignoring each other, Remus had straight up started shouting at him for every single thing; the up coming full moon didn't help matters either. So tonight Sirius found himself barred from Remus's bed even thought he knew that Remus preferred his presence around the full moon. He heard Remus swear and decide that it was it. He couldn't stay away at a time like this. He tiptoed out of his bed and slightly parted the heavy, red curtain. Remus was curled up on his side, back towards Sirius; the sheets  wound strangely around his legs. It was October but Remus seemed unperturbed by the cold.

"Rem." Sirius whispered, not wanting to disturb Remus in case he'd just fallen asleep. But Remus turned immediately and looked at him. " Pads.. You're awake?"

Sirius nodded. "You okay?" Remus didn't answer, choosing instead, to stare at him, worrying his bottom lips in between his teeth, a nervous habit, and breathing a little heavy. It was the 'I've been an ass to you and I want to take your help but cannot' face. He knew Remus wouldn't say yes. He seldom gave in in matters like these. He had to take the next step. 

"Can I stay?" He whispered and Remus's muscled relaxed immediately.

"Please." He whispered, moving aside to make place for Sirius and curled into him as soon as Sirius got in bed. Sirius pulled him closer, placed one hand behind Remus's head and used the other one to comb out the stray hairs from over his faces. Remus threw his hand over Sirius's stomach and snuggled close.

" Everything's okay. I'm here and you're fine." Sirius whispered and wrapped his arms tighter around him as Remus whimpered.

"Let's not fight, please." Remus's voice was low and rough enough to tug at Sirius's heart. He knew Remus was super sensitive around a full moon, more emotionally than physically and the last thing he wanted to do was make an already difficult process more tedious.

"I'm sorry Rem. I really didn't think, okay?" Sirius whispered into his curly, soft, blond hair. "Anything you want, how so ever you want it; we'll do that okay? I'm all yours, every inch of me; I'm all yours."

As these memories pop up in his head, he struggles to remember the beginning and end of the conversations. They're never complete, like dreams, intangible and he can never go back and finish the complete story. He doesn't remember what he'd exactly said about marriage that had Remus so freaked out and he doesn't remember how the night had ended. Had they fallen asleep in each others arms? Had Remus pushed him away? Had they kissed? Because he remembers making declarations of love and forever over and over again but he can seldom remember whether Remus said them back. Maybe he'd taken it all for granted back then, never paying attention to when Remus had promised something back to him; he'd assumed he'd have this forever, as long as they both live because the thought that he might've been left behind, alone, never came to him back then. He'd assumed they would all live and die together whether that would be at seventy or seventeen didn't matter to him.

***

Sirius aimlessly lays in bed the next two days, he can't remember when he's last eaten, or taken a bath, brushed his teeth or used the washroom. This was all very miserable but at the same time, he hadn't touch alcohol either. Regulus had been right. He would have to teach eleven year olds and he couldn't afford to be an embarrassment, not when he would also be teaching Harry. May be he should take out a few of his old books, go through them once. He knew all the spells but teaching was a completely different thing; but he found he couldn't move at all. Even turning on the bed made him gasp for breath. When he managed to pull himself to the washroom, he was nauseous and dizzy and even ended up vomiting the water he drank from the tap. 

"Padfoot." Remus's voice was a soft whisper; he couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Everything was dark." Open your eyes. Padfoot!" He felt Remus's hands on his forehead and warmth spread on his skin. He could feels the gears of his body responding to that single touch. " James, he isn't waking up." Remus's voice was hoarse now, like he was on the verge of tears. No! He doesn't want Remus to cry because of him. He forces his eye lids to open but the blinding light  makes him recoil and he throws his arms over his eyes.

"James, close the curtains." Remus says urgently. " Pads..." Remus presses his palm on his cheeks and the warmth makes him smile. 

"Remus." But he can't recognize his own voice and it hurts to speak.

" Pads..Merlin, I was so scared." And Remus's watery voice confuses him.

"Wh..what?" Sirius tries to sit up, disoriented and his vision blurs and tilts but Remus holds him tight. 

"Slowly Sirius." A cold glass of water is held to his lips and he drinks llike he's been parched for decades. It helps him revive and slowly James's face comes to focus.

He looks worried and it's so rare that Sirius knows something might be seriously wrong. His eyes are wide, brows furrowed and the way he keeps pulling back his hair makes S irius speak up. "James, what's wrong?"

It takes him by surprize and he kneels down in front of him. " Nothing is wrong. Are you okay?"

Sirius nods. "Why won't I be?"

"You were groaning and withering and it seemed like you were in a lot of pain." Remus whispers and Sirius realizes that he is leaning back on him.

"I'm fine." He looks up and Remus looks like hell. It is immediately after a full moon and Sirius can see the smalls scratches on his face, still healing and all he wants to do is pull Remus down and kiss him till all the pain is erazed from his face. " Really I'm okay." He says unable to tear his eye away from Remus.

"Er..I'll go and get some more water..yeah." James got up and left and Sirius couldn't help but giggle. " We really should tell him about us." They'd been together for the past six months and though they both knew that James knew about them, they hadn't officially told him yet. They both wanted to keep each other to themselves for a while.

When Sirius looked up at Remus, he wore the same worried and sad expression on his face. " Rem, I'm fine." Sirius pulls away and cups Remus's face.

" You didn't sound okay." Remus whispers and he closes his eyes and leans into Sirius's touch. " And it'd been going on for so long; you wouldn't wake up either and then I called James and I was so worried..." He's on the verge of breaking and Sirius does the only thing he can think of- He gently brushes his lips against Remus's. " I'm okay. I'm here and I love you."

"Sirius..."

Sirius wakes up with a start; looks around confused. This isn't James's room and he isn't kissing...Remus. Remus!!

But then he looks around properly; this is his cottage, he is sitting on the floor of his washroom, it is '93 not summer of '75. He is.. alone..and Remus..Well Remus, despite everything, is still alive and out of Azkaban. Shouldn't he try and get some answers this time? He'd been robbed of a chance to talk to Remus in '81; shouldn't he find him and beg and plead and threaten him for answers; persuade him to not kill Harry. Remus could have anyone just not Harry; and then if Remus didn't listen, he would kill him and then perhaps himself because there is not chance in hell that he'll be able to breath ever again after killing Remus.   

Chapter Text

Sirius reached Kings Cross Station thirty minutes ahead of departure. He's both anxious and exhilarated about seeing Harry after a month. Even though they'd exchanged letters, they were scarce as Dumbledore's warning about Remus tracking him had haunted Sirius every time he'd sent off another owl with a letter. Sirius's patience wore thin as the minutes crosses by without any sign of Harry. Harry had told him all about the incident with his aunt Marge and how he'd run away. He had to use all his will to not run to The Leaky Cauldron and stay with his godson there. As the station crowded adding to Sirius's anxiety, he decided to board the train and look for Harry inside. Professors don't usually take the train to Hogwarts but Sirius had decided, after much deliberation, that there could be no harm in seeing Harry on the train ride. Surely, Remus couldn't follow him there. He hasn't told anyone that he's taking the train, not even Harry so there's a chance that they might've missed each other.
Sirius went by each compartment looking for Harry or his friends but mostly received curious glances and whispers in return. He started palpitating as he neared the last few compartments. The last compartment used to be theirs' and incidentally it was the only one still empty. It was partly comforting and had he not been trying to bury old memories, he would've had momentary joy reminiscing about all the things they'd done in the compartment. But Harry was nowhere to be found and Sirius was worried. He put his bag up in the luggage rack and waited.
He was staring out of the window when Harry's voice startled him. Heart hammering in his chest, he managed to smile and push himself out of the seat and hug Harry.
"Sirius, you're here?" Harry said surprised but not as exhilarated as Sirius felt. " I thought..well I don't exactly know what I thought. Professors don't usually.."
"No, no. I know. " Sirius said out of breath. " I wanted to see you."
"Yeah, no..It's great you're here." Harry smiled, corners of his eyes crinkling the way James's used to. " I wanted to talk to you as well."
As they sat down, Harry introduced him to Ron and Hermione. He'd heard great things about them but had never met them personally. Seeing Harry so comfortable with his friends satisfied Sirius immensely.
"I saw the news." Harry said as the train turned the corner leaving behind the cityscape. " And heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley talk about Lupin." Sirius felt all the blood drain from his face as he heard his name on Harry's lips. Hadn't those very lips whispered Moo'y all through the night once when Remus came back from a mission three days too late and Sirius was convinced that Remus had died?
"... you'll have to be really, really careful. don't go looking for trouble, Harry --" Sirius heard Hermione say.
"I don't go looking for trouble," said Harry. "Trouble usually finds me." And Sirius almost laughed at how much he sounded like James.
"How thick would Harry have to be, to go looking for a nutter who wants to kill him?" said Ron shakily.
"No one knows how he got out of Azkaban," said Ron uncomfortably. "No one's ever done it before. And he was a top-security prisoner too."
"But they'll catch him, won't they?" said Hermione looking at Sirius, perhaps expecting him to back her up. "I mean, they've got all the Muggles looking out for him too...." If only he could be so sure.
"What's that noise?" said Ron suddenly.
A faint, tinny sort of whistle was coming from somewhere. They looked all around the compartment.
"It's coming from your trunk, Harry." said Ron, standing up and reaching into the luggage rack. A moment later he had pulled a Pocket Sneakoscope out from between Harry's robes. It was spinning very fast in the palm of Ron's hand and glowing brilliantly. Sirius looked around, suddenly uncomfortable.
"Is that a Sneakoscope?" said Hermione interested, standing up for a better look.
"Yeah... mind you, it's a very cheap one," Ron said. "It went haywire just as I was tying it to Errol's leg to send it to Harry." Sirius wasn't sure if there was anything to be alarmed about. Peter had a Sneakoscope back in first year but it never went off in Remus's presence.
"Were you doing anything untrustworthy at the time?" said Hermione shrewdly.
"No! Well... I wasn't supposed to be using Errol. You know he's not really up to long journeys... but how else was I supposed to get Harry's present to him?" Sirius felt his muscles stretch out in a smile at Ron's words. He hadn't gotten Harry anything for his birthday. He'd been too anxious to think of something. He made a mental note to make it up to Harry soon.
"Stick it back in the trunk," Harry advised as the Sneakoscope whistled piercingly. "It's too loud."
"Could you sign my Hogsmeade form?" Harry asked softly as Ron and Hermione talked excitedly about visiting all the fantastic shops.
"Sure..um..once we reach the Castle?" Sirius replied a little uncomfortable. He didn't have the heart to tell Harry right now that he wouldn't be allowed to visit Hogsmeade. Dumbledore had informed him in a letter that Sirius had full authority to sign Harry's form being his God-father but since nothing of Remus's whereabouts were known it would be advisable to keep Harry safe in the castle. Sirius would tell Harry, he surely would but a lot of things needed to be clarified and Sirius didn't want to do it in front of Ron and Hermione.
Harry nodded. " Do you know something about this mad who escaped and is after me?"
Sirius nodded, throat constricting. No amount of practice would ever be enough to prepare him for this.
"Well, look who it is," a blond, pale boy said interrupting them. Sirius didn't need to look twice to recognize his pure blood cousin. "Potty and the Weasel and my ostracized uncle."
"I heard your father finally got his hands on some gold this summer,Weasley," said Malfoy ignoring him. "Did your mother die of shock?"
Ron stood up so quickly he knocked Hermione's cat on the floor.
"Get out of here, Draco." Sirius said as casually as possible.
"Who are you to tell me what to do?" Draco spat back.
"He's the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." said Hermione as both he and Harry got up to stop Ron from hitting Draco.
"C'mon," Draco muttered resentfully to his thugs. " This school just keeps getting pathetic."
As they left, Ron massaged his knuckles."I'm not going to take any crap from Malfoy this year," he said angrily. "I mean it. If he makes one more crack about my family, I'm going to get hold of his head and.."
Ron made a violent gesture midair narrowly missing Sirius.
"Careful Ron..." Hermione hissed.
"No..no...It's quite alright." Sirius dismissed it with the wave of his hand. " I feel the same way. Just that I'm a teacher..If you know what I mean.." Sirius, to his own surprise, winked at them slightly and they burst out laughing.
The rain thickened as the train sped yet farther north; the windows were now a solid, shimmering gray, which gradually darkened until lanterns flickered into life all along the corridors and over the luggage racks.
"You should get a little sleep." Harry whispered to him while Ron and Hermione were too busy bickering between themselves. "You look tired. "
Sirius nodded and his heart warmed at how Harry cared for him. "It's good to see you so comfortable with your friends.I can see why you speak so fondly of them."
Harry smiled. "It'll be good to have you here as well."
"Yeah." Sirius softly replied. It genuinely felt good to be in the presence of fresh souls. He hung his head back and allowed the voices in the compartment to drown him in a light slumber.

"James" He shouted, acutely aware that he wouldn't receive a reply. He would never again hear James's voice. As he entered the unhinged door, darkness illuminated only by the spell of his wand, he tumbled over something and he froze, his nerves froze as he realized that it was a someone and not something. As he pointed his wand on the ground and saw James's hand he dropped on the floor with a wail.
"No..please..please wake up." James's eyes were wide open, frozen, spectacles crooked on his nose.
"James, I'm so sorry. Please..please..." He sobbed, blind behind a curtain of hot tears. " Please..."
He would've stayed there, lied down beside James and die because buried under that grief was more pain; pain of knowing that Remus betrayed them all; betrayed his love. There's nothing he would want to live for. But as a child's crying filtered through his haze, he knew Harry was alive.
Lily! Harry!
Could they be alive?
"Lily" He screamed as he ran up the stairs, toppling twice on broken cement and furniture.
He didn't think he could survive the crushing pain he felt as he saw Lily on the ground as well, lying in front of Harry's crib, legs bent at a strange angle, eyes wide open, face frozen; all the brightness gone from her vibrant green eyes. Sirius screamed because he didn't know what else to do. He held up L ily in his arms and screamed, begging for her to wake up. She was still warm. She couldn't be dead. James and Lily couldn't just leave him and Harry and be gone like this. This was painfully easy and selfish of them. Even in death they could be together; him and Harry cut off from them, pulled away into different universes.
He screamed. How would Harry live without them? How would he live without them?
When he looked up at Harry, maybe he was still screaming, but Harry looked stunned into silence; tears drying on his cheeks.
"Pa'foo" Harry whispered.
Sirius whimpered. "Yes, I'm here."
As Harry stretched his arms out demanding to be picked up, Sirius slowly let go of Lily, closed her eyelids and picked Harry up. "I'm here. Your'e safe." He couldn't recognize his voice.
As he came down, he kneeled beside James, closed his eyes lids as well and straightened his specks. "I'm sorry" he whispered before leaving.
As he saw the giant for of Hagrid...

"Quite!" Sirius spoke attempted to calm his racing heart. This wasn't a dream. It was memories being dug up and he knew the difference. There was something awfully wrong here. Could Remus have followed him here? But how would Remus do all these..?
Dementors!
Dumbledore had informed him that Dementors were assigned to search for Remus. It was awfully cold. It could be Dementors.
"Stay where you are," he said in a hoarse voice, and slowly got to his feet with his wand held out in front of him.
But the door slid slowly open before he could reach it.
Standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering light of Sirius's wand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling. It's face was completely hidden beneath it's hood.There was a hand protruding from the cloak and it was glistening, grayish, slimy-looking, and scabbed, like something dead that had decayed in water...
But it was visible only for a split second. As though the creature beneath the cloak sensed something, the hand was suddenly withdrawn into the folds of its black cloak.
An intense cold swept over them all. Sirius could feel cold poison in his veins.
"None of us is hiding Remus Lupin under our cloaks. Go." He said. The Dementors aren't supposed to attack anyone but something felt horribly off. The Dementor didn't move.
And then it drew a long, slow, rattling breath, as though it were trying to suck something more than air from its surroundings.
No! He couldn't let this happen. Something good..think of something good.
"You're our son too you know!" Mrs. Potter said, eyes glistening with tears.
"Of course you are. You can stay here from now on, permanently." Mr. Potter's eyes were teary too. Sirius had never seen him get emotional. " We're just glad you chose to stay with us."
"Expecto Patronum." Sirius whispered and a gigantic silver dog burst from the tip of his wand, warming and illuminating everything, pushing the Dementor back out of the compartment.
Sirius sighed in relief but it was short lived. Behind him Harry was unconscious on the ground, sweating and looking extremely pale.
"Harry.." Sirius took him up in his arms. He stired but didn't wake.
The lights came back up and the train started moving again.
Sirius shook him and the cold sweat on his face scared Sirius but then he slowly opened his eyes. "Harry! Harry! Are you all right?"
"W -- what?" He responded groggily and tried to get up. Sirius thought Harry was going to be violently ill but as Ron and Hermione helped him back to his seat he looked better.
Chocolates. Sirius thought. That was the best remedy. He went about looking for a bar in his luggage.
"What was that thing?" Harry asked as Sirius handed him a bar of chocolate.
"A dementor," he replied, giving chocolate to everyone else. Another boy and girl had also entered the compartment by now. "One of the dementors of Azkaban."
He knew he needed to explain more. Everyone was staring at him but his own adrenaline was wearing off and he was feeling quite ill.
"Eat the chocolates." He repeated. " I need to speak to the driver." It was the best excuse he could come up with to leave the compartment.
He could feel the world closing in on him as he bridged the last few steps to the washroom and locked the door behind him. He hunched on the sink waiting for the nausea to pass.
He couldn't help but wonder if this is what Remus had spent the last twelve years feeling. This pain and cold and fear but then again, maybe it was difficult for monsters; yes monster- Sirius grounded his jaws together. If he felt such shame and pain in the few moments he'd been near the dementors he didn't want to imagine what twelve years of it could do and if Remus had escaped sane it had to be because he felt no shame, pain or guilt. And that Remus would be a monster.
"Just a minute." He shouted back as someone knocked on the door.
He splashed water on his face before coming out and smiled politely at the Hufflepuff kid standing outside. He sent of a patronas informing Professor McGonagall about the attack and then returned to the compartment.
"We'll be at Hogwarts in ten minutes," He said and sat down opposite to Harry. " Are you okay?" He asked and took Harry's hand in his. He thought, momentarily, that Harry would've been embarrassed by the show of concern but there was nothing.
"I'm fine." He muttered not quite meeting Sirius's eyes but gave his hands a gentle squeeze and that was all the confirmation Sirius needed.
Everyone kept quite for the rest of he journey, Sirius repeatedly looking to check in on Harry.
When they got down at Hogsmeade, Sirius wondered if he should accompany Harry but he looked quite comfortable with his friends. Sirius swallowed his insecurities and let Harry go on with his friends while he choose to walk up to the castle. It would clear his head. He'd informed McGonagall about the attack. She would surely check Harry out. What if Harry got annoyed with his constant hovering. For the past two years they'd been meeting only for a day in a week and now Sirius was worried if Harry would be displeased by his constant presence.
When Sirius reached his room after dinner, he couldn't deny that he was ready to drop dead. It'd been a hell of a day but as he unpacked his meager belongings, his eyes fell on a stack of papers pre-arranged on his desk. He walked over to find that it was a basic course structure for the first years class he'd be taking tomorrow along with files on students for him to familiarize names and faces. He'd worked miracles keeping his childhood memories at bay but as he saw the young faces, he couldn't help but wonder how he'd once been a face in such a file twenty two years ago. Heck! They'd all been there.
A knock on his door distracted him.
"Professor McGonagall." Sirius politely greeted the elderly woman he'd revered all his life.
"Sirius." She greeted back and they stood for a while staring at each other and perhaps wondering at the absurdity of the situation-Sirius knows he was.
Where are his manners! " Sorry, please Professor, come in." Sirius moved to let her the professor enter his room.
"I'm glad you're here." She said as she sat down but Sirius chose to lean on the opposite wall.
He nodded. It's not like he was given a choice.
"Sirius, I'm sorry about this situation. I really am.." She began but Sirius cut her off. " No, professor..please. It's quite alright."
"I know the four of you were close and Lily and then there was Harry and you, all of you were family and later....I never once checked in with you.."
"There was nothing." Sirius slipped and immediately regretted it. "There was no one you could check in on." He replied at McGonagall's surprised reaction. "It's better that you didn't see me..like that. I..I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."
McGonagall nodded in understanding. "Well I hope you settle in properly and we can talk later."
Sirius nodded and apologized. "I'm sorry."
"It's quite all right." The Professor bid him good bye and left.
Sirius stared at his new room after he closed the door and sighed. It was awfully spacious for him. The bed was bigger than his back home and he was too used to sleeping on the couch; there was a fireplace, a cupboard, a study table with a couple of chairs and overlooking the bed was a huge window that directly over looked the lake. There was too much of empty space and too little furniture- no place Sirius could curl into should the world be too much for him. But as this would be his home for the next year so he should really try and get comfortable. He took a shower and slipped into his pajamas before he started looking through the files. The course was basic- mostly what he'd read upon during the last month and he tried remembering names but there was a throbbing at the back of his head, crawling up. At 1.40 in the morning he decided to call it a night.
He fell asleep as soon as he felt the cold sheats.

***

Sirius diligently scanned the papers everyday for news on Remus, something-anything that might be suspicious to him but not to the Ministry. But that didn't stop his shaking hands from spilling the morning coffee when he read that Remus had been sighted in a nearby muggle village.
Apparently a muggle woman had seen him and called up the muggle police and by the time the Ministry officials got the wind of it, he was already gone.
He was close. Sirius sighed. Too close. If Remus was really there, then it's the closest they'd been in twelve years. He wondered what he'd do if Remus really came to him but again, dangerous thoughts. Sirius folded the paper back and cleaned up the split coffee before he decided to get some food from The Great Hall. He didn't have any immediate class but he was a nervous about his afternoon class with the third years. Harry would be there. He'd studied enough to not mess up but it was DADA class- Remus had been good at it and Sirius smirked at the irony- the person who was good at Defense Against the Dark Arts ended up being a master of the dark arts. Twenty years ago he would've laughed it off-everything was far removed from reality;they'd been untouched by the war for the longest time. Honestly Sirius's hadn't been surprised at how rapidly the war had escalated around them...
The crash coming from Filch's office made him run up to the end of the corridor. Nearly Headless Nick passed him bye, laughing his head off.
"What is it?" Sirius asked.
"There's a boggart in Filch's office." Even Sirius smirked. This would be interesting.
"Bloody ghost.." Filch ran out of his office behind Peeves the Poltergeist.
It didn't take Sirius long to understand that Peeves had planted the boggart in Filch's office and inspiration struck. He could practically teach the students about facing their worst fears but Harry-Voldemort.
No! He couldn't do that. But he was intrigued about what his boggart would be. It'd changed a lot of times-initially it's been his mother's howlers, later after the incident in fifth year, it'd been Remus's suffering for what he'd done to Snape later he'd never faced one up till now.
Like a moth drawn to a flame-he walked into the office and closed it behind him.
Crack!
But Sirius couldn't see anything.
"Padfoot"
Sirius staggered backwards. "Remus." Sirius held up his wand, ready to attack.
"Put down the wand Padfoot. You know I won't hurt you and I don't think you can hurt me either."
"Show yourself." Sirius whispered.
"Are you sure you want to see me?"
"You bastard. Show yourself. You killed them. All of them." Sirius shouted now. He wouldn't be afraid of a voice in the dark. Damn where was the boggart?
"You don't honestly believe that."
"Fuck you. I'm gonna kill you the moment I spot you and this is a closed room. There's no where you can go." Sirius sounded more calm than he felt. His hands were shaking and there was sweat beads on his fore head. He was both cold and hot. Remus!!
"Go ahead. Kill me then."
And Remus stepped out from behind a cupboard shadow bringing Sirius onto his knees. Horrified, but utterly surprised, he realized that this was his greatest fear. This Remus looked young, younger than twenty-one. The Remus in from of him was sixteen-seventeen maybe-right around the time they left school and moved in together, when he used to laugh, when constant fear, guilt and pain didn't create frown lines on his forehead, wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. This was the Remus he'd struggled to remember for years-untouched by the ravages of war.
"Kill me then." Remus said again.
"I..I can't." Sirius whispered utterly defeated.
"You think I killed them?" He asked tilting his head to right, in disbelief.
"You did. You knew where they were hiding." Sirius whispered, eyes burning.
"They told me they would kill me." Remus's voice wavered and Sirius's eyes shot up at him.
He had to remind himself that this was not true. He was having a conversation with a Boggart-with his inner fear.
"They told me they'd kill me. What would I've done, Padfoot?" There are tears rolling down Remus's cheeks and there's blood seeping through his clothes over his chest and stomach.
"The Remus I believed I knew would've died than betray his friends-betray me!" Sirius whispered and rubbed at his eyes vigorously. "But your'e not him."
He got up on his feet and pointed his want at Remus.
"I love you, Padfoot. Come with me. I love you so much." Remus whispered. His clothes were bloodied by now.
"I know you do. I love you, Remus." he whispered and then-"Riddikulus."
It took him three attempts but he trapped the boggart in the cupboard.
"I'll take the cupboard to my third year class later." Sirius quickly told Filch as he walked out of his office.
He punched his room's door as soon as he'd locked it behind him. Fuck! He still loved Remus. A part of him was completely repelled at himself. How could he still be in love with a man who'd as good killed his best friend and his wife and another best friend along with twelve innocent bystanders in cold blood! How could his declaration of love crumble and reduce him to nothing? How would he protect Harry if he couldn't even protect his heart.
No he would be strong in the face of this. Tens of people died; James and Lily and Peter died to protect Harry. He couldn't-wouldn't let his love for the ghost of a man he once knew, in any way, ((diminish)) that.
He took a shower and cleaned himself up. He had Harry's class in the afternoon and he wouldn't let Harry see him in pain on their very first encounter. His friends would also be there. It was best for his to look as normal as possible.
Bringing the cupboard up to an unused classroom took more time than he'd imagined. Filch kept on pestering him with questions on why he'd take a boggart to a class. Sirius had to finally tell him to bugger off because how hoe what Sirius would teach in his class was none of his fucking business. Lunch was almost over by the time he got to the Great Hall so he had to run down by the kitchen to get some food. Merlin he was starving!
He entered the class five minutes late and found books, quills and parchment on everyone's desks- just like he'd seen in every other class. Gilderoy really did a number on them- He thought and smiled as he greeted the class.
"Good afternoon," he said. "Would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today's lesson will be a practical one. Only your wands."
The class looked confused and amazed as he asked them to follow him up to the corridor and cursed under his breathed as he found Peeves floating around in front of them-stuffing the nearest keyhole with chewing gum.
"Loony, loopy Lupin," Peeves sang. "Loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin.." And he had to swallow the bitter taste in his throat. A lot of times Peeves had caught Sirius and Remus in broom cupboards and empty classrooms and perhaps today he'd eavesdropped on his encounter with the boggart before?
The students' eyes shifted to him, trying to gauge his reaction. He smiled despite himself.This could be interesting. "I'd take that gum out of the keyhole if I were you, Peeves,Mr. Filch won't be able to get in to his brooms."
He raised his and said, "Waddiwasi! "and pointed it at Peeves.
With the force of a bullet, the wad of chewing gum shot out of the keyhole and straight down Peeves's left nostril; he whirled upright and zoomed away, cursing.
"Cool, sir!" said Dean Thomas in amazement.
"Thank you, Dean," Sirius replied,putting his wand away again. He felt fifteen again. "Shall we proceed?"
"Inside, please," Sirius opened the door.
It was a long, paneled room full of old, mismatched chairs, was empty except for Snape sitting in a low armchair, and he looked around as the class filed in. His eyes were glittering and there was a nasty sneer playing around his mouth. As Sirius came in and made to close the door behind him, Snape said, "Leave it open. I'd rather not witness this."
He got to his feet and strode past the class, his black robes billowing behind him. At the doorway he turned on his heel and said, "Possibly no one's warned you, Sirius, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear."
Sirius wanted to snap and tell him something nasty but he had to remind himself that he was there in a teacher's capacity. "I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation and I am sure he will perform it admirably." He replied, an idea clicked in his head.
Snape sneared and left as Neville turned more scarlet if that was even possible.
As the cupboard gave a wobble, a few people jumped back, scared.
"Nothing to worry about. There's a boggart in there." Sirius assured but Neville looked absolutely terrified.
"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces, wardrobes, the gap beneath beds, the cupboards under sinks ;I've even met one that had lodged itself in a grandfather clock." Sirius explained recalling how Mr. Potter once had to fight off a boggart in their house once."So, the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a boggart?"
Hermione put up her hand.
"It's a shape-shifter," she said. "It can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most."
"Couldn't have put it better myself," replied Sirius and Hermione glowed. "So the boggart sitting in the darkness within has not yet assumed a form. He does not yet know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. Nobody knows what a boggart looks like when he is alone, but when I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears."
"This means," Sirius said, ignoring Neville's small sputter of terror, "that we have a huge advantage over the boggart before we begin. Have you spotted it, Harry?"
"Er..because there are so many of us, it won't know what shape it should be?" Harry replied.
"Precisely,". Hermione put her hand down, looking a little disappointed. "It's always best to have company when you're dealing with a boggart. He becomes confused. Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a boggart make that very mistake..tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening.
"The charm that repels a boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a boggart is laughter. What you need to do is force it to assume a shape that you find amusing.We will practice the charm without wands first. After me, please ... Riddikulus!"
"Riddikulus!" said the class together.
"Good," Sirius replied. "Very good. But that was the easy part, I'm afraid. You see, the word alone is not enough. And this is where you come in, Neville."
Neville walked forward, trembling, scared out of his wits.
"Right, Neville," said Sirius. "First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"
Neville's lips moved, but no noise came out.
"Didn't catch that, Neville, sorry," Sirius tried to sound as cheerfully as possible.
Neville looked around rather wildly, as though begging someone to help him, then said, in barely more than a whisper, "Professor Snape."
Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically.
Of course you are. That git. "Professor Snape... hmmm... Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"
"Er..yes," said Neville nervously. "But..I don't want the boggart to turn into her either."
"No, no, you misunderstand me," Sirius smiled. "I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?"
Neville looked startled, but said, "Well... always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top. And a long dress... green, normally... and sometimes a fox-fur scarf."
"And a handbag?" prompted Sirius.
"A big red one," said Neville.
"Right then," Sirius continued. "Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind's eye?"
"Yes," said Neville uncertainty, plainly wondering what was coming next.
"When the boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees You, it will assume the form of Professor Snape,and you will raise your wand ... and say 'Riddikulus' -- and concentrate hard on your grandmother's clothes. If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, and that green dress, with that big red handbag."
There was a great shout of laughter. The wardrobe wobbled more violently.
"If Neville is successful, the boggart is likely to shift his attention to each of us in turn," Sirius said "I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical."
"Everyone ready?" Sirius asked and noted for the corner of his eyes that Harry was thinking something and shivered but as everyone was ready, he looked a little resolved.
Sirius knew he would have to intervene for Harry. A Voldemort running around the school was not desirable at all.
"Neville, we're going to back away," Sirius said. "Let you have a clear field, all right? I'll call the next person forward.... Everyone back, now, so Neville can get a clear shot --"
They all retreated, backed against the walls, leaving Neville alone beside the wardrobe. He looked pale and frightened, but he had pushed up the sleeves of his robes and was holding his wand ready.
"On the count of three, Neville," said Sirius who was pointing his own wand at the handle of the wardrobe. "One two..three..now!"
A jet of sparks shot from the end of Sirius's wand and hit the doorknob. The wardrobe burst open. Hook-nosed and menacing, Professor Snape stepped out, his eyes flashing at Neville.
Neville backed away, his wand up, mouthing wordlessly. Snape was bearing down upon him, reaching inside his robes.
"R..r ..riddikulus! "squeaked Neville.
There was a noise like a whip crack. Snape stumbled; he was wearing a long, lace-trimmed dress and a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture, and he was swinging a huge crimson handbag.
There was a roar of laughter; the boggart paused, confused, and Sirius shouted, "Parvati! Forward!"
Parvati walked forward, her face set. Snape rounded on her. There was another crack, and where he had stood was a bloodstained, bandaged mummy; its sightless face was turned to Parvati and it began to walk toward her very slowly, dragging its feet, its stiff arms rising -
"Riddikulus!" cried Parvati.
A bandage unraveled at the mummy's feet; it became entangled, fell face forward, and its head rolled off.
"Seamus!" roared Sirius.
Seamus darted past Parvati.
Crack! Where the mummy had been was a woman with floor length black hair and a skeletal, green-tinged face...a banshee. She opened her mouth wide and an unearthly sound filled the room, a long, wailing shriek that made the hair on Harry's head stand on end ..'Riddikulus!" shouted Seamus.
The banshee made a rasping noise and clutched her throat; her voice was gone.
Crack! The banshee turned into a rat, which chased its tail in a circle, then...crack!- became a rattlesnake, which slithered and writhed before...crack! becoming a single, bloody eyeball.
'It's confused!" shouted Sirius. "We're getting there! Dean!"
Dean hurried forward.
Crack! The eyeball became a severed hand, which flipped over and began to creep along the floor like a crab.
"Riddikulus!" yelled Dean.
There was a snap, and the hand was trapped in a mousetrap.
"Excellent! Ron, you next!"
Ron leapt forward.
Crack!
Quite a few people screamed. A giant spider, six feet tall and covered in hair, was advancing on Ron, clicking its pincers menacingly. For a moment, Harry thought Ron had frozen. Then -
"Riddikulus!" bellowed Ron, and the spider's legs vanished; it rolled over and over; Lavender Brown squealed and ran out of its way and it came to a halt at Harry's feet. He raised his wand, ready, but -
"Here!" Sirius shouted suddenly, hurrying forward. Crack!
The legless spider had vanished. For a second, everyone looked wildly around to see where it was. "Riddikulus!" Sirius said in a hurry.
Crack!
"Forward, Neville, and finish him off!" said Sirius as the boggart landed on the floor as a cockroach. Crack! Snape was back. This time Neville charged forward looking determined.
"Riddikulus!" he shouted, and they had a split second's view of Snape in his lacy dress before Neville let out a great "Ha!" of laughter, and the boggart exploded, burst into a thousand tiny wisps of smoke, and was gone.
"Excellent!" said Sirius, as the class broke into applause. "Excellent ! Neville. Well done, everyone.... Let me See... five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the boggart; ten for Neville because he did it twice... and five each to Hermione and Harry."
"But I didn't do anything," said Harry.
"You and Hermione answered my questions correctly at the start of the class, Harry," Sirius said lightly. "Very well, everyone, an excellent lesson. Homework, kindly read the chapter on boggarts and summarize it for me... to be handed in on Monday. That will be all."
As the class filtered out, Sirius saw Harry walking away without looking back, shoulders hunched. He knew he'd acted a tad bit overprotective but he couldn't take the risk of a boggart Voldemort scaring the children if indeed that was Harry's Boggart.
But overall he regarded that his class was quite successful and eventually as the weeks went by rumors went around about how people were enjoying his classes. He off handedly, on more than occasion, wondered what Remus would say of it. He's the one Sirius would've pegged for the professor type. The only people hostile to him were Snape and certain people from the Slytherins but he couldn't care less about them. He occasionally met Harry in he corridores and they smiled politely at each other but Harry never made any attempt to talk to him separately and Sirius wasn't quite Sure about how his relationship with his god-son should be now that he was his professor.
On a Saturday at the end of September, Regulus came to meet him.
"How have you been?" He asked as he sat down on one of the chairs. " Enjoying ?" He looked around the room.
"I am actually." Sirius smiled honestly. There were books and rolls of parchments that students submitted scattered all over his room. He actually liked reading students' homework.
Regulus sat quietly for a while, fidgeting with the quill on the table. Something was off. Sirius could tell.
"So?" he prompted.
"So what?" Regulus asked
"Well, you obviously came here for something?" Sirius said matter-of-factly.
"Can't I just come and visit you?" Regulus sound far too unconvincing that usual.
"Would you like to try that again;; this time try to sound convinc.."
"Yeah..alright."
Sirius lit up a cigarette. He guessed he would need it. If Regulus was nervous, it had to be bad.
"There are rumors." Regulus paused, clearing his throat. " He's hiding in Albania."
"So?" Sirius asked when Regulus didn't speak further. He took a long drag of smoke. " The last two years are evidence enough that he's still around and that those who are loyal to him still remain."
"Yes, but now we know where he is." Regulus stressed.
It took Sirius a moment to understand what Regulus was implying. " You cannot possibly be asking this of me?" He said; voice stone cold.
"Sirius, I.."
"No you listen, okay?" Sirius walked up to Regulus, towering over his sitting brother; " I did this once with you hoping we could win. And what happened, hun? I lost everything. It should've been me-I should've been the secret keeper. But they thought I was the traitor and so they made the real traitor the secret keeper and they died and I lost everything.I got pulled in far too deep last time."
Sirius took another drag from his cigarette and went to stand by the window.
"You still blame me for all that?" Regulus softly said.
"I don't." And Sirius wished he could've sounded more convincing.
"Right!." Regulus sighed. " Well you know maybe sometimes, if you have time to look out of your tiny box, you'd see that you still have people who care about you. You didn't loose everything, Sirius but you might very soon."
Sirius sighed as Regulus left, closing the door behind him.
Sirius was yet again late for the Order meeting. His investigation with Regulus had gone on far longer than expected and had let to the dead bodies of two muggles in the river by the forest. It was all Voldemort's doing. He knew they'd been on to them and was trying desperate things to throw them off track. But the dead bodies were over a week old and getting rid of them with dignity had been a messy job. Sirius had to take a shower in a hotel room he'd recently rented after moving out from the tiny flat he and Remus used to live in.
When he reached, only Dumbledore, Remus, James, Lily and Harry were present.
"What's going on?" He asked apprehensively.There was nervous spark in the air. James and Lily were quite, their expression haunted and Remus couldn't even bear to look at him. They gotten into a huge fight a week ago. Everything had gone downhill from there. Even Harry seemed to be stunned quiet.
"We're going into hiding Sirius. Lily, Harry and I. Fidelus Charm." James whispered looking up at him.
Sirius actually breathed a sigh of relief. He'd been asking James to do this for weeks now. This way they could really be safe. "That's actually great!" Sirius said and all the eyes looked at him, puzzled.
"Sirius you know.." Lily started.
"That you want to stay and fight. Yes. I know. But you have a kid now and this is the best way for you to be safe. I'll be the secret keeper and everything will be..okay." Sirius felt like he'd collapse from relief. He saw Remus's eyes look at him warily but he couldn't care less about that now. He knew all his disappearances with Regulus had stirred up questions in Remus's mind but he'd not said anything because the information was too volatile. Remus could get killed for it. Remus's sudden disappearances had stopped recently and Sirius's hadn't. They'd never talked about it properly and last week they just exploded and in a fit of anger Sirius packed up a beg and left.
"Your'e the obvious choice." Dumbledore said. "Now is not the time for obvious choices. Mr. Lupin will be your secret keeper." He told James.
"James.." Sirius began but he only got a sad smile in return.
"It is true, Sirius." James sighed. "You are he obvious choice. They'll never stop hunting you."
"Then I'll do whatever it takes..James.."
"This is for the best, Sirius." Lily says as she carefully squeezes Sirius's arm.
Remus seemed to be at ease with it all, far too much at ease.
"I'll leave you then." Dumbledore said. "Take your time, enjoy tonight- the charm will be cast tomorrow."
"Let's go back to our place. We can order some dinner and well have a..a good night." Lily said but Sirius could barely hear anything over the ringing of his ears.
There was one thing he was certain of-everyone suspected him of being the traitor they'd talked about. He'd seen it in James's and Lily's eyes, Remus practically accused him of it. Why didn't they just leave him or kill him then? Why this pretense of eating and drinking together? How could James think that he'd betray them-betray Harry. Harry was practically his son. He doesn't remember how they all got back to James's place but they were sitting around the table- there was spaghetti on a plate in front of him and a glass of fire-whiskey in his hands.
"Well since we won't be seeing each other for Merlin knows how long..." James had started but for Sirius it was too much.
"Do you really think I am the traitor?" Sirius whispered or he might've shouted; he doesn't remember but he remembers how the tension in the room had intensified.
"Of course not Padfoot." James said placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't touch me and don't call me that." Sirius practically jumped off his chair. He was a little drunk and very heart broken and had at least seen fifty-muggle dead bodies in the last seven days. He couldn't think straight and he sure as hell couldn't fathom that his best friend, his brother and his boyfriend could assume that he was the traitor- that he'd betray everything they'd fought so hard to build.
"No one is saying your'e the traitor Sirius." James tried to assure him.
"But you're all thinking that. Isn't that why Remus is chosen to be the secret keeper?" Sirius snapped.
"We're trying to keep you safe." Lily said but couldn't hide the tremble in her voice.
"Bullshit!"
"We'll I'm not the one who's been disappearing for days, Sirius." Remus said this time, eyes burning and Sirius wanted to physically strangle that hate out of Remus's eyes. There used to be nothing but love there. 
"You disappeared too and I always believed you. Always. Without question. I healed your woulds, and kissed them." Sirius sobs. " I love you and you think I..."
"Sirius, we don't.." James was going to hold his arms but he retaliated and threw the glass of fire whiskey to the opposite wall stunning everyone.
"I would die for you, all of you. So if you think this will keep you safe, so be it." Sirius said in between sobs. " Be safe Remus."
He's standing in his hotel room. The apparition made him dizzy and then his stomach churns. The images of fifty dead bodies he and Regulus got rid off, sent his stomach revolting. He threw up the dinner he doesn't remember eating and it burns his insides, leaving behind an aching black hole where his organs used to be.
The next morning he finds Regulus. "I'm all yours. Anything you want me to do-going under cover, killing death eaters- whatever you want me to do. I'll do."
Two days later he returns to the news of how James and Lily died and how Remus killed Peter and twelve other muggles.
The war was won but he'd lost everything.

Chapter Text

"How are you feeling?" Sirius whispered as he saw Remus's eye lids flutter open in the early hours of dawn after a full moon.
Remus's features twisted in pain as he tried to reply but he managed a week, "Fine." before he coughed uncomfortably.
Sirius grabbed a blanket, covered Remus's trembling form with it and conjured up a glass of water. As he tried to sit up he groaned painfully, all the human muscles and bones shifting, still being pulled by the moon. Silently Sirius held him up as he took a sip from the glass.
"Is everyone okay? And you?" Remus asked as he leaned into Sirius, melting into him.
"Everyone's fine. I'm okay. Don't worry." Sirius replied as he pressed soft kisses on Remus's head. James and Peter had left minutes before Remus had woke up. They had to go to Auror training and Sirius had insisted they get get a little sleep before that. Their trainer knew Remus's wouldn't be able to come in and Sirius decided to skip as well. He really wanted to stay with Remus and see him through this full moon. Ever since he'd come back last month from Greyback's camp, Sirius had had nightmares about Remus being killed and he'd sworn to make this transformation as smooth as possible. Remus had fallen asleep, leaning against him, breathing steadily and Sirius found comfort in that steadiness. He liked taking care of Remus, liked to believe that he played a part in how Remus remodeled himself after every full moon. He'd do anything to help him, whatever Remus wanted; though Remus seldom asked for anything and insisted on doing things himself. It stung Sirius sometimes at how Remus kept him at arm's length after a full moon. It made no sense to him because that was the time he thought Remus needed him the most.
"You aren't going be here forever." Remus had told him once; drunken blabbering in their seventh year when he'd been adamant that the others shouldn't miss their last Hogwarts Christmas on account of his transformation. They'd argued about it for days and finally Sirius had just stopped speaking to Remus. It'd been too much for him- Remus always thinking how undeserving he was of care-it suffocated him. Remus seldom got drunk but that night he'd been a mess and it'd tugged at Sirius's heart.
"Why are you doing this?" Sirius had asked him as Remus had curled up in a corner by the window in their dorm and taken another swing of fire-whiskey.
"Your aren't going to be here forever." He'd whispered.
"But I will." Sirius had put one hand on Remus's knees. "I will if you let me."
"I'm not worth it." Remus's voice had been watery.
"You don't get to choose that." Sirius had whispered. " Let us..let me decide that. I want to be here."
"Even on Christmas? It will be the last.."
"Especially on Christmas and precisely because of that. It will be our last and I would rather spend it with you..in whatever capacity I can rather than be way from you the entire evening." Sirius had taken away the bottle from Remus's hand as he'd been going to take another swing." Stop it, please."
"You really mean it?" Remus had asked sheepishly.
"Yes. Yes, I do." Sirius had looked at him anxiously. It'd felt like like he had been waiting for a judgement- a measure of how much Remus believed Sirius loved him and it'd hurt him more than he'd ever care to admit.
"Okay." Remus had said quietly as Sirius had felt like he'd breathed for the first time in days.
"Okay. Okay." Sirius had shifted closer to him. "Let's go to bed okay?"
Remus stirred in his arms. " Hey, Rem?" Remus groaned in response."I think we should go to the bed now. Can you get up?"
Remus nodded only slightly and Sirius helped him up. On shaky legs they trudged up from the basement to the bedroom. Remus fell asleep the moment he touched the bed. Sirius put up a few heating charms around the bed before he brought in medical supplies. There were only a few scratched and bruises- nothing serious but he put anti-septic on all the cuts he could get his hands on.
As the world woke up around them, Sirius debated if he should get some sleep. He was tired but he felt restless at the same time. He didn't know why but he knew he felt the moon and what it did to Remus and sometimes he felt it in his blood-the magic and pain pumping through his veins-his muscles ached strangely-it was dark magic the likes of which he'd known since childhood. When Remus finally slept peacefully, he got himself a change of clothes and a cup of coffee before stepping out on the front porch. The sun wasn't up yet but the golden-orange streaks in the sky illuminated enough for him to see around. There was dew on the grass, the air heavy with moisture and he could hear the distant roar of waves against the rocky shores.He glided one of his bare feet lightly over the wet grass feeling the cold blades tickling his feet; breathing in the smell of damp earth. He missed morning like these- when he could pretend that he and Remus were the only people in the world, alone on the edge on the universe, no dark forces chasing them- just the two of them- both young but forced to age, trying to love and live with each other. Ironically, such peaceful mornings came only after full moons when Remus had been ravaged and Sirius couldn't help but feel guilty at how he looked forward to these-did that mean he didn't care if Remus was in pain?
A distant owl caught his eye and as it headed straight for him, he couldn't help the apprehension that pooled in his stomach. It dropped a letter on the ground and flew away in the other direction. Sirius debilitated but he could see that the paper was crumbled-written in haste, sent via an owl he didn't recognize.
He sat down on the wet grass and kept the coffee mug beside him before picking up the letter. There was no seal but at once he recognized his brothers handwriting- though not as immaculate as it used to be.

'If you can, brother, please meet me tonight at Hogs Head Pub at 9'O clock in the night. Come alone.
Destroy this once you've read it. In the wrong hands, it can kill us both.
-R.A.B '

Sirius stared at the piece of parchment, lost at what he was supposed to make of it. He'd not been in touch with his brother for over two years. Even after Regulus took the dark mark, Sirius had tried to persuade him to not join the other side. Dumbledore could've helped him, the Order could've helped him. But Regulus had made it very clear that he'd chosen his side. After that, Sirius had not known what to say to him or how to write to him. He couldn't imagine why Regulus would want to meet him after all this time. He read it again a few times, tried to trace any magic in it but there was nothing. It was clean. It really might've been from his brother.
He burnt it up with a silent spell and watched as the ash dispersed with the wind- it was growing stronger, the sky growing darker and the rising sun was overcast with ominous clouds. Sirius was a skeptic- he didn't believe in divination or the universe warning them about disasters but he couldn't stop the shudder that passed through him as the light sheet of rain settled as droplets on his messy, curly hair and made the dirt smell stronger. He pulled himself up from the ground and went back into the house.
He wandered around aimlessly for a while, thoughts muddled up in his head- it could be a trap. They could've made Regulus send the letter to lure him in--but for what?He didn't have any information that could help them. They were still in training, no official Order business was know to them yet-but the death-eaters couldn't possibly know that. Or maybe his brother really wanted to meet him? Maybe he'd chosen to come on their side. The sudden bloom of hope in his chest worried him more than the delivery of the letter had.
"Sirius?" It was Remus, voice faint but wary; scared almost.
Sirius ran up to the room and found Remus sitting up on the bed, sweating and gasping for breath. "Hey, hey it's fine. I'm here." He climbed up the bed, slowly, careful to not startle Remus.
"You weren't here and I.." Remus sighed and hung his head in his hands.
"I'm here." Sirius gently took Remus's hands in his." It's okay." He'd had a bad dream- Sirius could tell. There was a wild madness in his eyes that Sirius seldom saw and when he did, it worried and scared him.
"You're okay, right?" Remus whispered-edging closer to Sirius and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his lips.
"Yeah." Sirius pulled him in for a kiss, gently. " Feel better?"
Remus nodded.
"You can sleep a little more if you want to." Sirius said when Remus looked at him lost, like he didn't know what to do.
"Yeah. Yeah okay." Remus lied down again on his side, facing him and Sirius pulled the covers over him. He lay beside him for a long time, caressing his hair, watching and memorizing all the old and new wrinkles and cuts on Remus's face. He'd never get tired of it- of watching Remus sleep without pain or worry. He looked his proper age when he slept- all facades dropped and Sirius took every opportunity to see Remus like this.
As the rain outside grew heavier, he had to get up and close shut the window. It was almost noon when he decided to make some food.
Later he woke Remus up. " I made some food. You need to eat something."
Remus sat up groggily, his amber hair all over the place. "I need a bath." He looked thin and sickly pale against the cream blankets that nested around him. The blue-grey light of a rainy day from the window cast dark shadows in their room and Remus stared at a point on the ground, lost in his head, breathing in and out intermittently scratching around the cuts on his hands that had begun healing.
"Yeah. I'll warm the water." Sirius went into the washroom and ran the tap.
"I'll do it." Remus said as he slowly swung his legs out of the bed.
"Just let me do it, okay?" Sirius rolled his eyes.
"How long has it been raining?" Remus asked biting his lower lip, chewing off the chapped skin. Rain and cold after a full moon annoyed Remus. He'd told Sirius that sunlight, warmth helped him heal faster, his bones ached less. The damp and dark made his skin crawl.
"Since morning." Sirius took out fresh clothes for Remus. He was still running his fingers up and down his arms. " Don't" Sirius placed a calm hand on Remus's arm. " You'll hurt yourself more." He also leaned in to kiss him to keep Remus from biting on his lips.
Remus sighed and leaned forward to him, closing his eyes and breathing in calmly. " I love you." He said- a whispered sigh.
"Me too." Sirius helped Remus to the bathroom. He settled into the bathtub and as Sirius was about to leave, Remus grabbed his hand. "Stay. Something happened. I can tell."
He caught Sirius by surprise. Regulus's letter had been on his mind all along but Remus had barely been awake to see that. He really was an open book when it came to Remus. He nodded and settled on the rim. Remus looked at him, encouraging him to say what he had on his mind.
"It's..umm..it's..." Sirius faltered. He really just wanted to take care of Remus right now. He needed just a little more time to process and think through the entire thing.
"It's okay." Remus replied and kept his hands on Sirius's. Sirius stared at that, trying to concentrate on how the water was glistening on Remus's hands, the creases on his knuckles, the water lapping against white porcelain, the incessant racket of raindrops on their roof tops- a strange heaviness had settled on his chest since he'd received the letter in the morning. Sirius had know the moment he'd left home that his relationship with his brother had been permanently damaged. There was nothing he could've ever done that would compensate for him leaving Regulus alone. They hadn't spoken in two years and everyday when Mr. Puerce trained them, he had to remind himself that he might face Regulus on day and then to receive a letter...
He grabbed the sponge from Remus's hand and started bathing Remus and when Remus sighed in contentment, he could, at least for a while forget about everything and just concentrate on themselves.
As Remus, covered with a thin shawl and looking far too old and tired, slowly sipped the soup Sirius had prepared, Sirius leaned against the opposite kitchen counter, sipping another mug of coffee, debating how much he should tell Remus. It was too soon after a full. Remus always worried too much. The rain hadn't stopped yet-it was just getting depressing.
"I got a letter today." As Remus looked up, brows drawn together in concern, he said, " from Regulus."Remus opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. He put down his spoon and the clink of china sounded too loud in the room.
" He told me to meet him at Hogs Head Inn tonight." Sirius said barely being able to get the words out of his throat. It made everything too real.
"What about?" Remus looked at him; confused and concerned.
" I don't know." He whispered back.
"It could be.."
"I know." Sirius said immediately. He knew it could be a trap.
Remus looked down at the bowl of soup, deep in thought. " I assume you want to go?"
Sirius deliberated. He wanted to go and see is brother. He'd believed he would never again get a chance to talk to Regulus as a brother. But the letter-Regulus addressed him as brother- maybe Regulus really wanted to talk. Maybe he was in some kind of danger and looking for help...
"Sirius?"
He'd been too preoccupied in his thoughts. Remus was looking at him-concern etched on his face. "I..I know..."
Remus sighed. " Let me come with you then."
"What?!..No." Sirius reacted even before his mind had processed Remus's whole sentence. "It's too soon after..You can't...I can't.."
"Put me in harm's way?" Remus completed for him.
"Yes. Dammit!" Sirius put down his coffee mug forcefully and turned away from Remus. It was still raining outside. He knew where Remus was going with this.
"You can tell James." Remus suggested. Sirius noted he'd stopped eating his food. Remus really needed to eat. This was a bad time to bring this up.
"I can't...I don't..." Sirius suddenly felt exhausted-last night catching up with him. James had saved him from that House- from his parents and from Regulus or rather how Regulus had acted the last couple of month before he'd left Grimmauld Place. It'd nearly killed him and James and his parents had saved him. Going back to Regulus in lieu of some cryptic message seemed like a betrayal of that love.
"You can't go alone." Remus said sternly. "You won't."
"Remus I...." Sirius turned to look at him but Remus suddenly seemed outraged. He pushed back the chair and got up; limping and wincing with the movements of his sore bones.
"Your'e not going alone." He said forcefully and made to walk away but tripped. Sirius didn't know how but he reached for Remus just in time to break his fall. They fell on the floor-Sirius taking the majority of the blow and Remus breathing heavily from exhaustion.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Sirius shouted but found Remus's face buried on the crook of his neck; one of his hands holding his arm tightly. As Remus struggled to breath properly, Sirius ran his hand up and down Remus's back and combed his hair with his fingers. "It's okay." He whispered whenever he felt Remus's breath quicken.
He knew nothing could be farther from the truth.

**

Sirius wore a hoodie to covered his head and wore wizarding robes to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. Slightest hint of danger and he'd apparate back. Remus had pleaded and screamed for Sirius to not go but he knew a part of Remus knew why Sirius needed to go. He couldn't abandon his brother.
"I'll be back, I promise." Sirius whispered as Remus sat on the couch, defeated and tired. As the candles cast strange shadows around them, Sirius noted how old Remus looked. His forehead creased from worry, his jaws were worked up and he wouldn't meet Sirius's eyes. "Please Remus."
"If your'e not back in two hours, I'll alert the order..and.." Remus whispered.
"I'll be back." With that Sirius stepped out on the front porch and apparated to Hogsmeade near Zonko's Joke Shop. The streets were almost deserted, the shop windows dark- most people had closed for the day. Sirius looked around warily a few times, trying to sniff out a threat but he couldn't sense anything unusual. As he walked up to the dingy pub, the front door opened and he was met with Alberforth.
"Come on." He said hurriedly as he pulled Sirius inside. Sirius held his wand out front, ready to attack. As Alberforth closed the door after making one last check for any tail on him, he calmly told Sirius to put his wand down. "You won't be needing that. Not against me at least."
Sirius didn't.
"Your brother's upstairs, waiting." He said cleaning out the bar counter.
"Your'e helping death eaters now?" Sirius asked him, wand still pointed at Alberforth. " How do I know it's not a trap?"
"Isn't it funny that you question me on my loyalties when your'e here to meet your Death Eater brother all alone. Why aren't any of your friends with you?"
Sirius didn't reply.
"No answer. Maybe your'e the one turning to the other..."
"Sirius." Regulus's voice and creaking of the rickety wooden stairs interrupted Alberforth." Come upstairs."
Sirius warily walked up behind Regulus, wands still at the ready. They walked with their heads low to avoid colliding with the dusty, cobwebbed horizontal pillars above them. The room Regulus opened the door to was damp and equally dusty. Moony would be able to smell this off him in a second.
Regulus sat on a rickety chair and addressed Sirius to do the same."There's no one here. I came alone."
"What is going on?" Sirius asked. He was still standing, wary even of the chair being booby trapped. Moody's 'constant vigilance' had rubbed off quite well on him.
"Brother please. I'm here to talk." Regulus sighed and took off his cloak. It seemed to suffocate him. Beneath, he work a simple jeans and tee shirt and it surprised Sirius. Regulus seldom wore muggle clothes. Sirius noted Regulus looked paler than usual and tired at the same time. He made no attempt to hide his mark and it left knots in Sirius's stomach. He sat down, put away his wand in his pocket, took off his cloak and waited for Regulus to speak.
"I was wrong."Regulus said finally and Sirius could see the humongous effort it took for him to do that. He sat with his elbows rested on his knees, head supported on his hands.
Sirius looked keenly at his brother, searching for a mask but couldn't find one. " About what?" He asked when he could find his words. Something felt off.
"Everything." Regulus replied, haunted.
"Reg you have to tell me what is wrong." Sirius could feel the worry creeping up his spine as if it wear a living entity.
" He kills ruthlessly and he's not what he preached...he's brutal and his motive is not.." Regulus covered his mouth with his hand and turned a sickly shade of green.
Sirius had never seen his brother so unnerved by something. There was something else, things he couldn't or wouldn't say.
"I need to know that I have your confidence Sirius, please." Regulus whispered. " Before I say anything else I need you to know that I am not insane and I regret this." He held out his left arm. " I should've listened to you and ran away in fourth year..."
"Reg" Sirius sounded calmer that he felt. " I trust you. You could've killed me, you didn't. And you're my brother-I believe you."
"Voldemort doesn't just want to purify the wizarding world..he..he wants to rule it and he wants to overthrow the Ministry and..shit like world domination and..and he wants immortality..." Regulus stopped abruptly and looked at Sirius like he hoped for something to dawn on his brother.
"Err..Reg..I don't understand. " Sirius couldn't comprehend what Regulus was worked up about. All of what he'd just head, he knew and wasn't it natural for people to seek longer lives to rule the empires they create? What was new?
"Immortality, Sirius." Regulus said exasperated. " He wants to be immortal."
"Are we talking about the likes of Philosophers's stone..Nicolas Flamel..?"
"Are you serious? You know that but not about..." Regulus lowered his voice, " Horcruxes.?"
"No." Sirius tried to recollect anything he might've ever heard but nothing popped up.
"They are powerful token..objects in which a person preserves his soul." Regulus whispered.
"And how exactly does a person preserve his soul somewhere other than his body?" Sirius asked.
"Did you not study anything in school?" Regulus asked exasperated.
"Not the dark arts, pardon me!" Sirius replied sarcastically.
"Look, listen." Regulus dragged his palm down his face. " A person's soul can be split. When one commits a henious crime such as murdering someone, the soul splits in two and it ca be captured in a different, powerful, enchanted artifact. As long as that artifact is kept safe the person can't be killed. This is just the basic there are other complexities."
"Okay hold on." Sirius sighed. It was too much information already. " Voldemort will kill..how many..so that he can do this?"
" I don't know. I don't know how many he has or in what he's stored his soul except for one." Regulus said softly.
"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked his blood running cold.
"Two weeks ago, He asked told me that he needed a house elf. I volunteered to offer Kreacher. The Dark Lord seemed pleased and He took him to a cave some where along the North Sea. There He made Kreacher drink some poison from a basin and hid a locket there. He didn't even bother about Kreacher and left him there. I summoned him and that is how he apparated back home and is alive. That locket has to be a Horcrux." Regulus sighed. " I know it. The Dark Lord thinks elf magic is beneath him to consider and made a fatal mistake-He didn't think Kreacher would've escaped alive to tell me all of this. It's a heinous crime-creating Horcruxes is one of the worse forms of Dark Arts in recorded history."
"Why are you telling me all this now?" Sirius asked, his heart in his throat. This is way worse than what anyone could've anticipated.
"Because I can't-I won't work for someone like this." Regulus whispered. " I can't aid this."
"You want to join the Order?" Sirius asked, a sliver of warm hope bursting in his chest.
"Hell no!" Regulus retorted. " Dumbledore is as bad as Him in certain ways. He's controlling and manipulative and thinks he owns everyone. Like what he did to Remus."
Sirius's eyes shot up to him. " How can you possibly know what he did to Remus ?"
" Of course we know and don't pretend that you don't know that Dumbledore will use Remus again." Regulus said matter of factly. "It's only a matter of time before he's send back to Greyback."
"This is not the topic of discussion here." Sirius replied bitterly. The thought of Remus going back made him want to puke.
"It's going to have to be only you and I. I'll trust only you and it'll be good if we can work alone. My life hangs in the balance here. If He finds out what I know, it'll be the end of us all. I've forbidden Kreacher from leaving Number 12." Regulus said all these very confidently but Sirius could see the panic at the corner of his eyes. He was dying for help but would never accept it.
"I can say no?" Sirius asked, " You want me to hide this from James, Lily, Peter and Remus and you're asking me to trust you. I don't have proof of anything. You're asking me to take a leap of faith here."
"You can say no." Regulus quietly replied. " The rest I cannot vouch for."
" Does Alberforth know?" Sirius whispered.
"Of course not. The right price can buy his silence. I trust him on that." Regulus relaxed a little in his chair. " See, Sirius take a few days and tell me, okay?"
Sirius nodded." How have you been?" The words fell out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop himself. Regulus looked much older, burdened with knowledge he didn't want. The large black bags under his eyes were enough for Sirius to know that he hadn't slept properly in days, maybe always looking over his shoulders to check if someone was was back there to kill him for what he knew.
Regulus chuckled humorlessly. " There's no need for pleasantries Sirius. I don't need you looking after me now."
"You know that I care." Sirius said sincerely. " I wouldn't have come otherwise."
"Fair point." Regulus sighed again. " Well, I'm not staying at Number 12 anymore." That took Sirius by surprise. Regulus was not the type of person to leave home. His surprise might've shown on his face. " Since Father died last year, Mother's been drinking too much; cursing both verbally and magically. I walked away as well. Took a small flat opposite side of the city- as far away from her as possible. I was suffocating in there."
" You're wearing muggle clothes." Sirius whispered at the transformation he was witnessing.
"Got tired of robes as well." Regulus hung his head back and massaged his neck with his hand.
" Can I ask you something?" Sirius asked his throat closing.
"Sure."
" You said you know that Remus went to Greyback. Do you..Do you know what happened?" Sirius couldn't look at his brother in the eye.
" From what I know and see, maybe they wanted him to hunt; you know just to make sure he belonged there. He could've refused; probably did and the pack will obviously hurt an individual if they go against common will." Regulus said.
Sirius's stomach churned as the image of Remus's bloodied body flashed in front of him and those blood curling screams.
"He didn't say anything, did he?" Regulus asked knowingly.
Sirius nodded. They'd not even spoken about the injuries.
"It would've been quite traumatic and it was only last month.Give it some time."
Sirius nodded again. Time. Did they have much of that anymore?
"You really love him?" Regulus asked and again it took Sirius by surprize. They'd never exactly spoken about their private lives before. But then again this evening had turned out to be quite a revelation.
"I..I do."Sirius said. " So what exactly do you want me to do?" Sirius asked not wanting to talk about Remus and Greyback anymore.
"I'm still gathering information about the Horcruxes but I want to destroy the one I have." Regulus said but the last words lacked confidence.
"How?" Sirius asked.
"I don't know."
"Do you know what objects have been turned to Horcruxes?"
"No."
"Then what the fuck is it that you are asking me to do?" Sirius asked rather irritated. Regulus barely had any information. What were they supposed to work on?
"Look..I..Kreacher knows where one is. He can take us to the cave and we can bring that back..."
"And do what with it?" Sirius asked exasperated. " You want to walk around with a part of Voldemort's soul?"
"I don't know what I'll do. I just know that this has to be stopped." Regulus said calmly. " Now you can sit and question me all you want but I don't have answers or we could figure this out together one step at a time."
"I can't imagine lying to Remus." Sirius said finally. " So if I decide to do this- this better be worth it."
"You trust Remus and I'm not saying he'll betray any of you but telling anyone about this is dangerous for them. They'll have a target on their back. If Dumbledore sends him to Greyback again- and Greyback is on The Dark Lord's side right now- There's no telling what they'll do to him if they think he knows something."
Regulus's words made Sirius shiver. This was getting worse by the minute. " Can you just give me a little time to think and process this through?"
"Yes. But decide fast. Meet me in three days. Here. Same time." Regulus got up and put on his robes. " We leave separately. Wait for ten minutes after I leave."
With that Regulus opened the door and walked down the stairs leaving Sirius, alone with a head full of information and loud, conflicting voices in his head.

**

His wristwatch showed ten minutes to eleven. He was just on time. Remus must've been worried out of his mind. He'd apparated a mile from their house and decided to walk just to clear his head. The rain had stopped leaving behind a clear dark blue sky, shimmering stars and the waning gibbous moon, still pulling at Remus's muscles. He could feel it. He regretted not apparating directly on the porch every time he stepped on a puddle and splashed water. By the time he knocked on the door, his jeans was half covered in mud.
Remus opened the door, wand at the ready and looking far too worried that Sirius would've liked. He sighed as soon as he saw Sirius and his shoulders seemed to sag under some invisible force. " Thank Merlin." ,he whispered before pulling Sirius lightly in for a hug. Sirius saw Remus flinch at his own movements but didn't say anything. He too really just needed to feel Remus's presence.
"There's some pasta from yesterday. I'll heat it up. " Sirius rummaged around the fridge as Remus settled on a chair.
"What will you eat? I thought about making..." Remus stared saying but Sirius cut him off.
"Absolutely not. I'm sorry I wasn't here today properly and that we fought. I'm sorry. And as for the food you need to eat. I'll just eat bread or something. You really need to eat."
Remus looked ready to argue but Sirius just said "Please." And made his puppy dog eyes.That got to Remus every time. Remus sighed and rolled his eyes and there was even a hint of smile on his worn out face.
"You're not a puppy." He said and Sirius smirked and put the pasta to heat.
"So what did Regulus say?" Remus asked quietly as they both sat down at the table.
" He.um..he didn't show." Sirius said taking a bite out of his bread.
Remus looked confused. " Then what took you so long?"
"I just..ahem..wanted to see if he comes. Give him some time. You know how Puerce taught us to detect and loose a tail. It takes time right? So I just.." He shrugged. He'd lost what little appetite he had left.
"I'm sorry. I know it meant a lot to you." Remus reached out across the table to hold Sirius's hand.
"Yeah." He said concentrating on how Remus's fingers curled around his.There was dust under his nails from last night and two of his nails were broken. He should cut them off other wise Remus will cut himself with those. " You should cut your nails."
Remus looked at him sympathetically. "I will. Let's rest for today, okay?"

**

Sirius couldn't sleep. He hadn't slept the last two nights either. Whenever he dozed off, he'd see either Remus being mutilated by a pack of blood thirsty wolves or his brother asking for help. He woke up sweating and panting every time and the only reason Remus hadn't noticed anything was because a few nights after the full moon he slept like a rock. Nothing could wake him up and Sirius couldn't have been more grateful.
As he woke up the second time that night with the images of Remus's mangled body burned in his head, he immediately turned to make sure Remus was there beside him and sighed when he saw Remus's back facing him. He'd thrown off the sheets down to his ankle in his sleep and Sirius reached out to touch him. He stayed still, trying to feel Remus's back rise up and down with every breath and then he scooted closer to Remus running his hand along the delicate arch of his back. He could feel the scars and count Remus's vertebrae in the dark. He got up and supported himself on his left arm, pressed a light kiss on Remus's shoulder, and then on his ear and cheek through a haze of golden hair that looked almost white in the dark. Remus only breathed deeply in response.
Sirius knew he wouldn't get any sleep. It was three in the morning when he went to the washroom and washed away the sticky sweat from over his face and neck. As he caught his sorry reflection in the mirror-large black bags under his eyes, hollow cheeks, unnaturally high cheekbones, and collarbones jutting like he was malnourished- he wondered how he'd do it; how would he lie to Remus? It was like lying to his own soul. Not including Remus in something so huge was like waking up one day and realizing that half of his arms and legs have been amputated. His emotions had been oscillated between excruciating, heart-wrenching guilt and paralyzing, numbing pain. If Remus had noticed anything, he hadn't mentioned it.
That evening when they finished training, James and Lily suggested they buy some food and go back to their flat to have dinner. Sirius's muscles contracted strangely as he racked his brain to think of a way to escape around 9. As if lying to Remus wasn't bad enough- now he would have to deceive everyone at the same time. But he agreed with a smile plastered on his face.
As they sat with Indian food around the table, Sirius playing with his food, James and Lily, somehow glowing with and aura that seemed unearthly in the dark times they live in, said they had to tell them something. Sirius instinctively knew even before the words were said- James and Lily were pregnant. Peter jumped at what seemed like over the top enthusiasm. Even Remus smiled and congratulated them but Sirius saw how tight his muscles looked under everything.
"Congratulations. It's amazing news." He managed to say at last. He could only imagine how bad it looked, how fake his voice sounded. James didn't seem convinced, he could tell. As the rest of them fell into easier conversations, Sirius noticed the time. It was 8.30. He would have to leave.
"I'll go get a packet of cigarettes." He said and four pairs of eyes turned to look at him.
"You want me to come?" Remus asked, worried and biting his lower lips-something he did when his brain was thinking overtime.
"No. I'll be back in a bit."
Sirius bought a packet before apparating to a dingy alley behind the Inn and knocked.
"He isn't here yet." Alberforth said closing the door behind Sirius.
"I'll wait."
Ten minutes later when Regulus arrived, he genuinely looked surprised to find Sirius there. " I didn't think you would come."
"I almost didn't" Sirius said. " Look I'll do this but we need to decide a few things."
"Yes.. We do." Regulus took a chair and sat down, indicating Sirius to do the same.
"You're not going to inform me anything via owls. It's too dangerous and Remus might find out. You will not, under any circumstances come anywhere close to where we live,not even if you think my life is in danger. Remus stays out of this no matter what. Same goes for James, Lily and Peter. " Sirius lighted a cigarette and Regulus looked disgusted at the smell.
"That can be arranged. We'll meet here once a week, discuss whatever we need to, plan whatever we have to and we decide when to execute what. It will be a slow process but for now I can work with that." Regulus sighed.
"Okay. Fix a day."
"Thursdays. 9 p.m.?"
"I can work with that."
"I will wait not wait more than fifteen minutes if you're late.The same goes for you. This is perhaps the most dangerous thing we'll have ever done. We need to be careful." Regulus sounded calmer than Sirius could begin to imagine.
"Yeah." Sirius agreed. " I need to leave today. I have a very bad excuse."
" Sirius, there's something I need to tell you." Regulus stopped him. " There are rumors that the Dark Lord is gathering werewolf support through Greyback and they want Lupin."
Sirius's stomach churned. " What are you saying?"
"They want Remus on their side."
"Why?"
"He's educated unlike the rest of them. He can represent them in forums where they're not allowed to represent themselves and most of all The Dark Lord wants to make an example of him- If he's not on the Dark Lord's side, other werewolves will assume they have a choice to not follow him. Bringing Remus in sends a clear message that everyone has to follow the Dark Lord."
The room suddenly tilted and Sirius had to sit back down.
"It's only a rumor. I don't know what is ultimately going to happen." Regulus said softly. But they both knew the worse would come to pass.
When Sirius caught his breath he left the pub and apparated to James's house hastily.
" Where have you been? It's been quarter of an hour." Peter asked in his usual high pitched voice.
"The shops were closed. I had to walk." They'd finished eating and Remus looked ready to go home. Sirius looked at the rest of his friends- Remus especially- as he bid goodbye to the rest and it struck him how transitory everything had ultimately turned out to be. There are very few defining moments in life when people can see everything clearly and Sirius guessed this was one of those for him. As he saw everyone standing around him, laughing, James and Lily ecstatic, high on adrenaline, on the verge of starting a new life, he realized it wouldn't last; none of it would. This would be one of the last evenings they spend in such bliss. Things had already begun falling apart- whether the others saw it, he couldn't say.
" Are you okay?" Remus asked later when they'd apparated back to their cottage and he'd spend a considerable amount of time stating outside the window, listening to the crackling of the firewood and the drone of nightly creatures.
Sirius nodded. Remus came and stood behind him, slipping his hand around Sirius's waist. " I know you're worried about Regulus-that he didn't show up. You can talk to me. I'm here."
Sirius stared at their ghostly reflection in the half open window pane and wondered, for the thousandth time, how he would hide everything from Remus for Merlin knows how long. " There's nothing to say. He's gone, maybe. He's been gone since seventh year. Why should it bother me now?"
Remus sighed but didn't say anything. " You're on edge. Everything about you- your muscles; I can smell your tension." Remus slipped his hands down to Sirius's belt and undid them as he landed butterfly kisses all along Sirius's shoulders and neck. Sirius felt sparks in the little places Remus was touching him and suddenly he wanted to feel all of Remus in one go. It was such an over whelming urge bordering on madness, far from the gentle love they shared. An involuntary moan escaped him as Remus slipped his hands under the elastic and Sirius felt Remus's half hard cock press against his ass. Remus sucked at his neck making him thrown his head back, dizzy in need and in the pain and grief of lying to Remus. Remus pulled down his jeans and underwear and took Sirius in his hands making him gasp-almost sob- at how painfully he was throbbing. Remus hummed nothingness into his ears, his long fingers working their magic at Sirius and he had to support himself against the window because his legs felt like jelly, clammy and trembling under him. He came within minutes-panting, chanting Remus's name like a mantra- the only thing holding and rooting him. He would've collapsed on the ground had Remus not been holding him firmly from the back.
"Let's go to bed." Remus whispered when Sirius had somewhat found his breath.
"Yes..you..I would.." Sirius turned to look at him as Remus muttered a charm to clean him up.
"You don't have to." Remus pushed back the hairs sticking on Sirius's face and kissed him deeply.
"I want to." Sirius said when they broke away.
Sirius stepped out of the puddle of clothes and pulled Remus to their bedroom. He took his time, removing every piece of clothing off Remus and kissing the scars that he knew made Remus melt in a frenzy, dizzying need. He pushed Remus on to the bed and kissed the insides of his thighs. Remus's back arched up as he threw his head back into the pillow and moaned loudly. Sirius kissed and licked around his cock and thighs until Remus was squirming under him, begging him to just do it already through half closed eyes behind dark eyelashes and irises that changed color unpredictably. Sirius took him in his mouth, hot and throbbing flesh, and held Remus down by the hips. He moved slowly making sure to feel and make Remus feel everything he could possibly make him feel.
Remus came in his mouth, hot and sticky.
"Fuck!" Remus cursed under his breath and pulled Sirius up to him. " You okay?" He asked as Sirius wiped away his lips with the back of his hands.
Sirius nodded breathlessly.
"I love you, Sirius, so much." Remus kissed him. "It pains me to see how you're hurting. Talk to me, okay? Whenever you're ready, just talk to me."
Sirius snuggled closer to Remus, their legs intertwined, chests pressing together, sweaty, even in the early December chill. Sirius counted Remus's heartbeat, strong and steady under too think skin and countable ribs- He was right at home.
**
The next few months passed in a frenzy of activities and celebrations. They'd all spent Christmas together at James's flat where Lily,Sirius and Remus had cooked heart-warming meals for everyone. James had been barred from entering the kitchen because they all knew he was bound to burn something up. Peter only came during the evening. Apparently his mother had requested his help for cooking the Christmas meal at their house and his grandparents were also in town. Though James didn't cook, he couldn't stay away from Lily for more than ten minutes at a time, which meant the kitchen was over crowded with the four of them cooking and tasting their own meal. James ate most of the cookies that Remus had baked in the first batch and then Remus spent the entire evening cursing him and baking more cookies. As Sirius and Lily put up the lights on the small Christmas tree, a pang of sadness gripped Sirius as he wished for Mr. and Mrs. Potter to be alive. Before knowing James, Sirius had only know the stiff, cold parties in green at Grimmauld Place. James showed him how Christmas was about twinkling red and yellow lights and Christmas decorations and the smell of home baked chocolate chip cookies. He remembered helping Euphemia bake cookies after he'd ran away from home. His endeavors had left the whole kitchen in a mess of flower and dough and Euphemia and Fleamont had just laughed and hugged and kissed him.
"I know, Sirius." Lily said softly. He looked up at her green eyes to realize his were hazy with tears. " James missed them a lot too. But he tries to keep himself busy and hides it. But I can see."
"Of course he does." Sirius sniffed. " They were his own parents."
"Though he keeps saying you loved them more than he ever could." Lily ruffled his hair and took up another shiny streamer to hang on the wall.
"Next Christmas there'll be a little someone with us." Sirius said to change the topic.
Lily laughed, he voice chiming and jingling with happiness. " Yes."
Soon after that Lily took up training at St. Mungo's because her healer told her to take it easy on the Auror training. Lily could never bear to be half effective anywhere, so she left Auror training and started training as a healer. She'd always been good at potions and caring for people came to her easily.
As the rest neared the end of their training, they were separately assigned to keep watch on different parts of the Ministry as a part of their training. Everyone started working increasingly odd hours and all couples, best friends were separated during such exercises. Sirius and Remus began seeing less of each other increasingly. They seldom met James and Peter either, though, through owls they got to know that they were sometimes paired together.
Regulus missed more and more meetings over the months. Sirius kept lying to Remus about just going out for a walk sometimes when he actually would apparate to Hogsmeade only to be met by Alberforth who would tell Sirius that Regulus had had to leave early because of some perceived threat. On such occasions, Sirius returned with another date and time memorized as to when he would again have to meet his brother. None of their original planning had worked out. He, due to unpredictable and odd hours, also missed meetings on days when Regulus managed to be free. On days when they could meet, they discussed about what Regulus had found and most of the was terrifying enough for Sirius to ever think over again. On one sultry mid summer night, Regulus turned up and held in front of Sirius what seemed like a royal locket possibly belonging to a Slytherin.
"What is this?" Sirius asking, turning over the heavy locket in his hands.
"I looked into Kreacher's mind and found the locket that the Dark Lord made him hide in the caves. This a replica of that." Regulus said, tremendously satisfied at himself.
"Who made it?" Sirius asked." Is this what you've been doing for the past month that you didn't show up?"
"Not important. The less you know the better. But do yo know what this is?" He asked.
It looked familiar. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he knew he'd see it but he couldn't place it.
"It belonged to Salazar Slytherin and the Dark Lord has used this which means..."
"..that he'll use other tokens belonging to the original founders." Sirius finished for him. " Wow! They're powerful objects no doubt."
"So now we know what to look for." Regulus said with child like enthusiasm.
"How did Voldemort get it? Is he the heir..?" Sirius asked.
"No. He isn't. I asked Mother and in her drunken haze and amongst other blabbering she said that she'd searched for the original locket because, you know, how she likes these artifacts but she didn't get it. Hepzibah Smith-apparently a Huffelpuff- she had bought it from Borgin and Burks."
"What was something like this doing in..?"
But Regulus continued as if Sirius weren't even there. " Then mother said something interesting. Apparently, Hepzibah was killed later on and mother went over, you know, to see if she could get her hands on the locket now that she was dead but the locket was never found in her house. Hepzibah Smith's house elf made a confession that he killed the woman and was prosecuted. Now who else..."
"Voldemort orchestrated it." Sirius connected the dots. " But how does mother know it? She was.."
"Yes, it was before her marriage. But even grandmother was apparently a collector." Regulus sighed now that he seemed to have revealed everything to Sirius. "She also had Helga Hufflepuff's cup but obviously mother wasn't interested in that."
"That is a lot of information." Sirius dragged his palm down his face and looked at the locket. "You're sure it's an exact match?"
"Well mother jumped out of her drunken haze when she saw it. I had to obliviate her. So i guess it's authentic." Regulus said matter of factly.
Sirius looked horrified at his brother. " You obliviated her?"
"Woah! Is that sympathy I sense?" Regulus said sarcastically. " Careful brother.."
"Regulus I don't care for..."
"I hated her too you know?" Regulus said, fire burning in his eyes. "For what she did to you. I only stayed because I also cared for them. I just didn't hate them. You just hated them."
"Reg, I'm sorry.." Sirius began a lump forming in his throat.
"For what leaving?" Regulus asked snatching away the locket from his hand. " Don't be. I know they would've killed you had you stayed the way you did but at least you could've pretended to be like us in front of them. You didn't have to be the fucking Maverick. You could've stayed and we could've stayed as brothers. But no. Nothing other than your humongous emotions matter."
"I've always cared for..loved you." Sirius whispered looking down at his hands.
"But you've never done anything about it." Regulus mentioned. There was no malice that Sirius could detect in his voice, no judgement or anger. Nothing. And that, he realized, was worse. Being a lost cause to someone was worse than being the wrong cause.
"Anyway," Regulus said after a while. " We should once go and check the cave for possible threats other than the dormant inferis. So we need to fix a day to do that."
"I will get my week's schedule tomorrow.." Sirius whispered unable to speak louder.
"Okay, the. Let's meet in three days and the we can decide when to go to the cave." Regulus packed up his things and left.
Sirius sat silently, alone in the room after Regulus left, going over everything in his head. At twenty he could see how he could've acted but at fifteen, choosing his own path, principles had seemed like the right course of action. James and his parents accepted him because of who he is, isn't it? Was being a hypocrite better? If Regulus had believed and acted on everything he believes in now, couldn't everything have been easier? They could've both escaped that house, together. Had he done that, maybe, he would never had had the dark mark he now sought to escape. Walburga and Orion didn't help Regulus in anyway once he had been branded. Orion had dies a couple of years back and Walburga, heart broken at the loss was apparently drinking herself away to oblivion. It surprised Sirius that she had the capacity to be heart broken at the Orion's death. They'd never seemed to be in love. Or perhaps there were greater losses in Orion's death than Sirius could comprehend. But Regulus has never and will never hold their parents responsible for anything. Was that his love to them? Then how could he obliviate Walburga so easily?Could that be his revenge- the caring son who doesn't care anymore?
Alberforth placed a bottle of fire whisky and two glasses in front of him. " Looks like you need it."
Sirius sighed. "Yeah, I can use some."
"Family is hard." Alberforth said taking a sip from his glass." Doesn't mean you don't care for them."
Sirius scoffed." Do you even talk to Dumbledore?"
"Rarely.."
"You don;t want to fight for the Order? I've never seen you.." Sirius began but trailed off. It really was none of his business.
"I want to fight for freedom. Not for the Order. I do not approve of my brother's methods. He'll do anything to serve his needs which, I think, you already know."
Sirius felt sick every time someone mentioned this. It made the hair on his neck stand up with fear and hate; made him feel like everyone knew that Dumbledore had Remus at his disposal to be sent to the werewolves whenever needed. What Regulus had warned him about hadn't come to pass yet but it gnawed on him every time Dumbledore took Remus aside privately and Remus always refuses to discuss these things with him.
"I should be going." Sirius gulped down the rest of the whiskey in a go. "Thanks for this."

**

Sirius stirred in his sleep. Someone just tumbled into the bedroom, clumsily."Rem?" He didn't know if he even called him out loud. He was so tired he could barely open his eyes, let alone move.
"It's okay. Sleep." It was Remus, maybe he's back from his night shift. Then why does he feel so tired? If Remus was back from his night shift he should've slept for almost five hours by now..but his thoughts muddled up and he feel asleep before he could think further.
Later he was woken up by the sound of retching in the washroom. Once his mind realized it was Remus, all his sleep vanished and he rushed to the washroom to find Remus hunched over the toilet- body convulsing violently as he dry-heaved.
Sirius wetted a towel with cold water and held that over Remus's neck and back as he rid out his nausea.
"I'm sorry to wake you." Remus sniffed as Sirius handed him a class of cold water. "Thanks."
"Remus, please.." Sirius faltered.
"No, seriously. We're all working over-time. We should all get proper rest." Remus said leaning against the cold, tilled bathroom wall where Sirius had been sitting all this while.
"That includes you, you know." Sirius sighed and brushed away the hair falling over Remus's face.
Remus laughed bitterly; Sirius couldn't say why. " I need to cut my hair. It's grown unnecessarily long not to mention this arson weather."
Personally, Sirius loved long hair on Remus. In the morning when sunlight caught his bed head, the hallow around his head made him look like and angel. It was a stupid thought, Sirius knew, at twenty. But this notion had struck with him since second year and he'd never spoken it out loud.
"You need to take care of yourself, since I can't." Sirius winked but was dead serious about it.

"I'll be fine. Just wrong timing for food and no sleep and everything that's been going on.."
"Looked to me like you didn't eat at all, wrong time or otherwise." Sirius sighed.
"That's because I already vomited once when I appareted back..." Remus got up and rinsed his mouth.
"Why didn't you come by floo like we usually do?" Sirius asked looking at Remus's movements. He could tell something was off. This wasn't just wrong food timing even if it was close to a full moon.
"I was with Dumbledore..." That was it. That was all Sirius needed to hear to know where this was leading. " Look Sirius, can we just please go to sleep now. It's already four in the morning, we'll be lucky if we get three hours of sleep. We can talk in the morning."
With stars dancing at the corners of his eyes, ears ringing and the room tilting he managed to make it to bed along with Remus. Whether he passed out after that or fell asleep, he didn't know.

Chapter Text

One night, a couple of weeks before Halloween, after dinner, which Sirius preferred to have in the confines of his living quarters and in solitude, there was a knock on Sirius’s chamber door. He was smoking and hoped it wouldn’t be a student for whom he’d have to butt out the remaining cigarette.

“Who is it?” He sighed.

“Sirius, it’s me.” Harry’s voice came from the other side.

He hurried and opened the door, pulling Harry in. He’d not seen Harry properly in days. No that he'd tried, he just wasn’t sure how Harry or the staff would take it. But now that he was here, Sirius couldn’t stop himself from hugging his godson tightly. He seemed healthier than he did before and in a fleeting moment Sirius realized that he hadn’t noticed how thin Harry had grown in the month they hadn’t met. That was up till now. He cursed himself inwardly at his negligence and vowed that it would never happen again. At least this school served Harry better than it did him.

“How have you been?” Sirius asked as he sat down on a chair, Harry following his lead.

“Great, everything’s been good.” Harry replied but his enthusiasm fell off far too fast.

“What’s the matter?” Sirius asked.

“You know, Professor Trelawney predicted..well we were reading tea leaves and she saw a grim in my cup…”

Sirius looked at him concerned. “ The grim as in..”

“The omen of death, yeah.” But Harry must’ve sensed his uneasiness. “Don’t worry Professor McGonagall told me she does that sort of a prediction every year and nothing has ever happened..”

“Right.” Sirius whispered, deep in thought.

“It actually reminded me a little of you.” Harry said softly.

Sirius had shown Harry that he was an animagus only few months back, the end of last term, when Harry had come to stay with him for a week and Sirius wouldn’t let him out of his sight after the incidents in the Chamber of Secrets. “The grim?”

“I mean, I thought it was Padfoot in the cup and then the professor told me it was the grim.” Harry smiled uncomfortably.

Sirius smiled wryly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d himself as Padfoot. Did he really look like the grim?

“And anyway, “Harry continued. “Quidditch has been great. Oliver comes up with new things every day and Malfoy has been blaming Hagrid for his incident with the Hippogriff when he was partly at fault but I guess that’s Hogwarts; wouldn’t be the same without his antics.”

Sirius smiled. He knew and recently had found himself wondering on occasions, how every batch had something a little different than the rest, all of them with their separate charms.

“I came because of this.” Harry held out a piece of parchment. It was the consent letter for visiting Hogsmeade. Dumbledore had given him strict instructions to not sign it and to not allow Harry to visit the village. With Remus possibly on the loose and no one knowing his state of mind, it was too much of a risk.

“Harry, I..I can’t…” Sirius took the letter in his hand, deep in thought. He would have to explain a lot of things now, things he didn’t want to think about. But Harry’s always been inquisitive and he would have to talk to him about the details of James and Lily’s death sooner or later. Sirius sighed. And just like that a simple night was turning complicated.

“What is it?” Harry asked a little irritated and worried.

“Harry, there’s a lot..and with Re..Remus free…”

“What..so you think he’ll try to attack me in a village full of people? And why would he? What does this man have against me?” Harry asked exasperated.

“You know only certain things. There’s a lot more that went down and is going on..” Sirius put out his cigarette when he felt the heat on his fingertips . He hadn’t taken a single drag since Harry’s arrival.

“Tell me then. There’s just too many secrets here.”

Sirius looked at Harry-his fierce green eyes demanding an explanation-so like Lily and his body- half turned towards where Sirius had stood up and walked over to, fists clenched and those always unruly hair-like James.

“Okay. Yes.” Sirius sighed. “You deserve to know the truth.”

Harry looked surprised. He’d probably thought Sirius would show more resistance.

“Voldemort had wanted your parents on his side.” Sirius said.

Harry looked confused. “But my mum was muggle-born…wasn’t Voldemort all about blood purity and stuff?”

“Yes. But Lily was also an extremely talented and strong- gifted, mostly. Voldemort also knew that James wouldn’t leave Lily and since the Potters’ are one of the Sacred Twenty-eight, he wanted them on his side.”

“Scared Twenty-eight?”

“The families believed to have been pure of blood-no muggles. Though lot of people don’t consider the Weasleys’ and the Potters’ a part of that anymore because of how liberal they are towards muggle.”

“Ron?”

“Yes. They are considered pure blood people though almost every family has some muggle ancestry- my family, the Lestrange and a few others being the exception.” Sirius sighed again.” Anyway so both James and Lily refused him over and over. When Lily conceived, rumors started going around about how Voldemort considered you a threat.”

“Me?...But why?”

But Sirius continued without answering. “Even before you were born, your parents moved around a lot- always shifting, renting houses under false identities until they got tired of it. Eventually they went back to the flat they’d originally rented after finishing school. Now around this time…” Sirius trailed off breathing heavily. Remus. Oh God! Remus.

“Sirius, are you okay?” Harry looked at him concerned but Sirius decided to continue.

“Remus was our friend from school.” That shocked Harry- Sirius could see it on Harry’s face. “He is a werewolf. Turning once every full moon, he would lose his mind completely for a night. We were part of a resistance group then known as The Order of The Phoenix, made by Dumbledore to stop Voldemort. They sent us on missions, infiltrating other groups, convincing people to not join Voldemort-things like that. Remus was sent to work with a werewolf named Fenrin Greyback who was largely the leader of the werewolf community back then. Werewolves are not allowed to go to schools like us or use magic or possess wands. Remus could only because Dumbledore took him in. And eventually when the time came Dumbledore used him to infiltrate Greyback and gather his support. I was given missions of my own and I’d also worked on something that I’d felt would’ve yielded results back then. But I didn’t tell anyone.

"Eventually when we realized that there was a traitor in our midst and the threat against you grew, Dumbledore told James and Lily to take you into hiding. There’s a charm know as the Fideles Charm. It requires only one person to know the address of a house and as long as the secret keeper does not willingly give away the information no one would ever be able to find the house. I volunteered but as no one knew my missions that kept me away for long, they thought…that I..” Sirius’s voice caught as a large lump lodged in his throat.

“They thought you were the traitor?” Harry asked horrified.

Sirius lit up another cigarette and watched from his window as the fuzzy glow around Hagrid’s hut throbbed and the waxing crescent moon hung low in the sky, reflection shimmering in the lake.

“Though James and Lily never told me anything, I knew what they were thinking from their panicked glances. But Remus..Remus accused me of being the traitor and I couldn’t take that coming from him and I left him..left home…” Sirius halted. He’d just given away too much of information. Harry doesn’t need to know that Sirius was in love with the man who killed his parents. But Harry didn’t question him.

“Dumbledore suggested that Remus should be the secret keeper, James and Lily agreed and I was so wrapped up in my wounded feelings that I didn’t object. I threw myself into the work I had been doing and then two days later I got to know that you had defeated Voldemort but James and Lily had been betrayed and killed. Peter had been so outraged that he’d decided to follow Remus and confront him but Remus had blown up an entire street killing Peter and along with him twelve other muggles, innocent bystanders . I begged Dumbledore to let me keep you but he wouldn’t and nothing I’d said or done had changed that.” A few tears had escaped Sirius’s eyes but he was glad that he was facing away from Harry.

As he rubbed his face and turned to look at Harry he was met by the kid’s horrified, confused face.“They were betrayed by a friend?”

Lily and Peter’s friend. James’s brother. My lover.

“Dumbledore wants to keep you within these walls because we hope Remus can’t get to you here. Anywhere else, he might find and kill you. He is not going to hesitate. For reasons that still elude me, he became Voldemort's supporter.” Sirius said and took a deep breath.  “That’s why I can’t sign the form.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before? And what happened to you is so unfair..” Harry whispered.

“You are thirteen, getting to know this wonderful world of magic and you have friends who love you and I just got you two years ago- I couldn’t bear to talk about this and burden you with this darkness.. You’re safe and happy and healthy and that’s all that James and Lily would’ve wanted. That is all I want.” Sirius knelt down in front of Harry and took his hands in his own. “ You are my son-I’ve known that since I saw you in Lily’s arms in the hospital. I’ve never loved anyone more. What happened to me doesn’t matter. You’re here with me that is all I care about.”

Harry nodded.

“But with Remus free, we..I can’t let you go outside these walls alone.” Sirius sighed. “I will ask Dumbledore, maybe he’ll let me take you.”

Harry eyes lighted up at that. “You will?”

“I’ll ask Dumbledore. I promise.” Sirius smiled. “Now you should get back. It’s past curfew.”

With a smiling face Harry got up from the chair and bid Sirius goodbye for the day.

As Sirius locked the door behind Harry, a wave of intense sadness and grief overtook him and he had to slide down the wall. It was the first time he’d told Harry about this and with time, he knew, Harry would have more questions. He’ll cross the bridge when it comes to that. Tonight he just decided to change into Padfoot and go off to sleep.

 **

On a morning of April in 1980, Sirius and Remus lay entangled in each others arms. The full moon had been two days ago and since they had no missions for the next four days, they’d decided to stay put in the old country side shack where Remus transformed. This place had always felt like a safe haven to Sirius. It was always guarded inside out to protect Remus during his transformations and where ever Remus was safe, he felt safe too. Growing up in London, he’d always know what it was like to wake up to a cities noises-cars and buses honking, trains and the tube rattling the window panes, smoke from industries. Here the sounds of nature soothed him-he could feel the earth’s magic vibrating and pulsating through the very ground he walked on, birds chirping, but mostly, he liked days like these when he could wake up to the sound of the damp leaves rustling after a shower and rain water dripped down from them on their rooftop long after the rain, the sun shining from behind dark clouds and the sound of the sea, distant but clear. A part of him felt like these elements were a fundamental part of Remus-it shaped him, molded him and helped him grow.

Sirius watched as Remus eyeballs moved under his closed eyelids and he breathed in and out softly. They’d both taken a shower the previous night and Remus still smelled of his mint soap. The dog in Sirius wanted to snuggle closer to Remus’s chest and take in that comforting smell.

“Don’t even think about it.” Remus mumbled.

“You’re awake.” Sirius asked surprised.

“Yup. And you’re staring. Keep it to that.” Remus snuggled closer and his stubble brushed against the tender skin on Sirius chest making him giggle.

“What are you talking about?”

“You were sniffing, thinking about changing into Padfoot.” Remus mumbled again.

Sirius was struck at how well Remus knew him- like their thoughts echoed in each other’s minds. At times like these Sirius realized how much Remus loved him even if he was rude, angry or obsessive around the full moons. “I love you, you know that?”

Remus huffed. “Me too.”

Sirius wished he could stay like this for the rest of the day. Well, they could but Remus needed to eat. He could just make a quick meal and then be back in bed. It would hardly take fifteen minutes to make toast, coffee and tea.

“We should get breakfast.” Remus mumbled but made no attempt to get up.

Sirius laughed. “Yes. I’ll go make something.” Sirius made to untangled himself from Remus when he too got up from the bed, joints popping. “I’ll come too.” Remus winced.

“You don’t have to. I can do it.” Sirius said as he lit a cigarette and stood bye the window. The sky was partly cloudy, a blue haze engulfed them all around. “It’s too hot for April.”

“Yeah.” Remus sat on the edge of the bed, legs tucked under him, examining the gash on his left palm from two nights ago. It still hadn’t healed. “I’ll make the coffee and tea. You make the toast.”

Sirius got fresh gauge, cotton and antiseptics from the bathroom cabinet. As he sat down on the bed, Remus took the cigarette from his lips and took a long drag. “I could try some healing spells.”

Remus nodded his head as he blew out the smoke, the cigarette handing from his lips, “It isn’t going to work.”

Sirius knew and it frightened him to think that Remus could’ve gotten that gash anywhere. Over the years he’d started noticing that his wounds took more and more time to heal. What if Remus’s body was tired and giving up? What would happen if he doesn’t heal after one full moon? He’d read all the books in the school library during their time there but no one seemed to have minutely studied their health, or how long a person, turned as young as Remus had been turned, survived. There was no guide book for him to refer to. With Remus, like always, he was in uncharted waters.

“You’re over thinking.” Remus whispered tucking the long locks behind Sirius’s ear. He realized he’d been holding and staring at Remus’s palm for a while now. “ I’m fine. You always take care of me Sirius. How can I not be fine?”

Sirius nodded and finished bandaging Remus’s hand, coughed away the lump in his throat and took the cigarette from Remus’s lip for one last drag. As he threw the old bandages in the dustbin and put up the water to boil, Remus followed him to the kitchen and put up the milk to boil for Sirius's coffee.

“I have this bad feeling..” Sirius started but couldn’t continue. He honestly didn’t know what to say or how to put into words the constant dread he felt all the fucking time.

“About what?” Remus asked brushing up to stand closer to Sirius.

“Every fucking thing. You, James, Lily, Peter, the kid that’s on it’s way…” Sirius sighed pulling his hair back in frustration.

Remus stayed silent for a while, looking at him. Sirius could actually see the gears in his head move as he thought of something to say but he was filtering, Sirius could say, cutting down the sharp edges.

“I know this is our four days away from civilization, Voldemort and every other shit but I can’t stop thinking..dreading…” Sirius was cut off as Remus cupped his face with his warm hands.

“You are not responsible for everyone, Sirius.” Remus whispered, “And that includes me. All of us are adults who knowingly joined this cause or war or whatever this is. I understand you’re scared so am I but you cannot let it consume you.”

“Coming from you that’s…”

“Strange. I know.” Remus smiled wearily, smoothing out the creases on Sirius’s brow. “But we’re at war and people are going to die sooner or later the best we can do is be in the present, kiss each other while we can, make love while we can, hold each other while we can…”

“Just stop Remus.” Sirius grabbed his arms. “Why are you talking like this? Are you just ready to die?”

“I’ve been ready since I was five Sirius…”

“Please stop” Sirius almost sobbed and crushed his lips over Remus’s, hungrily taking in all of his taste. He buried his hands in Remus’s wayward, amber curls and tugged hard making Remus moan in his mouth. His guilt and pain about having to lie to Remus for the past four months came crashing down in an instant, knocking the air out of him and he had to break the kiss, breathless and dizzy.

“I love you, Sirius.” Remus incoherently mumbled as he pulled Sirius further towards himself and slightly bit down on his neck. Despite himself, Sirius moaned. Moony knew how to send him in a frenzy and make him week in the knees with just one single touch and even though Sirius was taller and more muscular than Remus, being a werewolf always gave him the advantage.

Sirius dug his nails into Remus paper skin thin and could feel the knots of his spine. Fuck. “You have me. All of me.” They’d laid together not fifteen minutes ago, entangled, yet Sirius felt this was somehow the closest they’d been in months, ever since his return from the mission.

The kettle was hissing and Remus hastily mumbled something to put it off before pushing him back against the wall. Sirius’s head hit it sending jarring pain down his neck but he was too preoccupied at the feel of Remus all over him to notice. He knew how strong and impulsive Remus got around the full moon not to mention all, all of his senses got heightened and that was the reason, Remus insisted they keep the sex out of the equation around that time. To Sirius it had been a forbidden pleasure and now that Remus was so willingly giving himself to him, Sirius couldn’t fight it. Remus would always be stronger than him.

“We can go to the bed..room” Remus whispered into his ears as he pinned Sirius against the wall, straddling him with his hips.

“No..” Sirius said breathlessly as he felt Remus’s hard cock against his groin.

Remus moaned and bit down further into Sirius’s shoulder, grunting as he thrust his hips against Sirius’s. Sirius could smell the blood but the way Remus licked ribbons around it made him forget everything. He could feel the wet patch of Remus’s boxers slide over him and involuntarily he cried out in pleasure, like kids exploring themselves. Remus hurriedly yanked down Sirius’s boxers and without any delay flipped Sirius over- he tripped, the puddle of cloth around his ankle crossing over- but Remus caught his arms in a death grip and steadied him. Sirius gasped, heart hammering in his chest, the blood rushing through him sang at his ears. He knew there was more to this than Remus had let on. Either Remus had been through something bad that he didn’t know about or Remus had found out Sirius had been lying to him- Sirius’s mouth dried up, half in dread at the fact that deep down he thought Remus was being purposefully hurtful, rougher than usual and it wasn’t just because of the moon. Sirius waited, his curtain of black hair falling around him-making him oblivious of everything other than Remus, hands spread out on the wall, head resting against the cold wood, sweat dripping down his chin as Remus stripped off his boxers and placed one of his palms flat on Sirius back while steadying his hips with the other. For split second Sirius felt like he was in a state of suspended animation and then Remus thrust into him with such force that Sirius saw stars dancing on the edges of his vision.

“..Okay?”..He might’ve imagined Remus’s voice but he couldn’t say no. He guessed he might’ve said yes because Remus started moving in and out of him and Sirius couldn’t control the cries that teared through him every time Remus hit his prostate. His body jerked with Remus’s movement and their skin slapped against each other’s-it made Sirius throb painfully. Blindly Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand that was digging down at his waist and forced Remus to touch him. Remus complied with a moan but pushed Sirius further against the wall and straddled him with one of his thighs making it impossible for Sirius to move. Sirius squirmed under him but with a few more thrusts and Remus  coaxing him along his length, he came all over Remus’s hand, screaming illegibly. He felt giddy, weak every where but he was acutely aware of Remus holding him across his stomach and still thrusting in and out of him, grunting and moaning in his ears. Remus came suddenly, the warmth spreading inside Sirius, Remus’s magic mixing into his blood and pumping through his veins.                       

As Remus rid the last of his orgasm, his hold on Sirius loosened and Sirius felt like he could finally breath. Remus held him lightly now, kissing his bare back up and down his spine. Remus gently pushed away all of his dark hair to one side and kissed the base of his spine and his shoulder blades.

“Are you okay?” Remus’s voice was rough and scratchy though he’d hardly spoke a word as he carefully made Sirius face him. Remus’s features darkened the moment he laid eyes on him. “ You’re cry..crying..hurt you?” He mumbled incoherently as he went down on his knees pulling Sirius down with him.

It took Sirius a beat to understand what Remus was referring to. He hadn’t even realized  he’d cried. “No.” He shouted. He knew Remus was strong and finally realized how much it took Remus to keep control of himself. A part of Sirius was glad that Remus had finally revealed this side to him.

“ Remus..It’s okay. I am okay.” Sirius pulled Remus’s face up to his. “ Despite everything this is the closest I’ve felt to you in a long time. With everything that has been going on, I am glad that you trust me enough to bare yourself to me.”

“You’re hurt.” Remus looked at Sirius’s hips where bruises were blossoming.

“I’m not.” Sirius said sternly.

“This is why I do not want to do this around the full moon.” Remus whispered slowly.

“Well, you clearly need the release.” Sirius kissed him gently on the edge of his lips. “I love you, Remus. All of you- man and beast and everything in between.”

Remus sighed in contentment and Sirius eased a little. Maybe all of this was just the full moon’s effect. Maybe Remus hadn’t found out about his secret and most importantly maybe he hadn’t been hurt by anyone else.

Sirius murmured a cleaning spell as Remus got up and put his boxers back on. Sirius followed. “I’m starving.” He chuckled in an attempt to ease the tension. Remus gave him a tight smile in response but Sirius understood that it was because Remus was still thinking about how much pain he'd caused.

“I’m fine.” Sirius rolled his eyes as he put the water on the kettle again under Remus’s  gaze wandering over his body looking for signs that he might’ve hurt him.

“You know..” Sirius absentmindedly said, “ I don’t know why you’re worried about breaking me in situations like these. My parents tortured me enough and I’m fine…” but as a low animalistic  growl escaped Remus, Sirius realized that the comparison was unkind. Remus loved him, all of these was done in love his parent had never loved him.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius said when he realized how Remus had stopped in his track and was now looking fixedly at a spot on the kitchen counter, his knuckled had gone white from gripping the edge too hard. “It was wrong. All I mean is if I didn’t break when people who hate me hurt me, why do you think what you do in love can hurt me?”

“I’m a curse.” Remus said through clenched jaws. “I can rip you apart if I’m not careful.”

“But you haven’t. Not me nor Padfoot or the others.” Sirius said rubbing Remus’s back soothingly. “ Your love, Moony’s love is stronger than that darkness. And I love you and admire you for that.” Sirius could feel Remus’s muscles relax under him. “ Okay?”

Remus nodded.

They ate their breakfast in silence. Remus occasionally looked up at him, initially it was a worried, guilty glance but then he blushed when Sirius stared back unblinkingly. “What?” Remus whispered scratching behind his ear- a nervous habit.

“Nothing.” Sirius winked making Remus blush furiously. Sirius realized they’d been forced to grow up too quickly. He wanted  Remus to laugh and blush more often. Ever since the mission, something had shifted in Remus-a rougher edge had been added to him. But Sirius couldn’t say for sure whether it was all about Remus. His lying had caused a huge chasm in his link with Remus, whether Remus realized that or not, he couldn’t say.

“We could sleep again.” Remus said when he saw Sirius yawn.

“It’s actually a great idea. Two more days of this we have.” Sirius lit up another cigarette as Remus made his way to the bedroom.

Sirius was about to dump his coffee mug in the sink, when a brown owl made it’s way inside their living room. Dread pooled at Sirius stomach like it did every time a letter arrived like this. With shaky hands, he took the letter from the owl’s beak and it flew away instantaneously. It wasn’t addressed to anyone, just a spare bit of parchment. Sirius opened it, Dumbledore’s curvy handwriting said that an emergency meeting would be held that evening at 6.30 in the usual place.

“You coming?” Remus asked from the other room. Sirius could hear the laughter jingling in Remus’s voice and angrily crushed the parchment in his fists. The universe couldn’t give them a few days of peace?

“Sirius?” Remus stood, leaning against the bedroom door, all laughter gone. “ What is it?”

“Emergency meeting at 6.30.” Sirius sighed and handed over the ball of parchment to Remus. “Like you said, all we have is the present. And we have 6 hours till we have to deal with this. Lets go to bed.”

They both ended up oversleeping and though Remus fussed about it all the way to the Headquarters, it was half-hearted and Sirius knew, had it been possible, they would’ve preferred not walking up at all today. The untimely meeting hung like an omen in the air between them as they pull up in the bike two blocks away from the main building. Remus’s hold on his hips tightened as he delayed getting off the bike.

His head dropped on Sirius’s shoulder and he sighed.

“It’s okay. Everything will be okay.” Sirius whispered and placed a hand on Remus’s head.  

 T hey saw James and Lily standing on the footsteps of the forlorn building on the edge of town which was the Order headquarters, invisible to all but the members. Lily full pregnant at six months looked heavy and James was holding a comforting arm around her. But as Sirius and Remus approached them, Sirius saw Lily crying copiously into James’s arms. What scared Sirius more was how frightened James looked- on the verge of breaking completely.

“What happened?” Remus asked as Sirius only stared unable to form words.

“No one died. It’s better to talk inside.” James whispered.

“Lily..hey..shh..” Remus rubbed her back and she leaned into him, fresh tears forming in her eyes.

As Lily left James’s hand, he turned towards Sirius and hugged him. “It’s bad Padfoot, really bad.”

“We’ll get through it James. Together.” Sirius whispered. He’d never felt less confident about his words.

Sirius saw only Frank and Alice join them within the next few minutes. Dumbledore was nowhere to be found though he’d just had a talk with James, Lily, Frank and Alice- both couples expecting.

“Will someone tell me what the hell happened?” Sirius asked.

“We were attacked two nights ago.” Frank said. “Death Eaters, they burned down our house. It’s a miracle we were able to get out safely.” Alice looked exceptionally pale. She kept her hand protectively over her bulging belly occasionally wiping away the tears from her eyes.

“But only order members know where you guys live since Alice is pregnant. How would death eaters know….?” Remus asked.

“Dumbledore just told us he thinks there’s a mole among us.” Frank said, “ He says our kids are in danger…and he received a Patronas and went out.”

“Woah! Hold on. What are you saying?” Sirius asked. Nothing made sense to him. Longbottoms’ getting attacked when only order members know where they live..and Lily, why was she crying like this? Couldn’t be just because Alice got attacked! They were all strong, warriors, fighters-Lily was one of the strongest people Sirius knew.

“Both of you-you are late.” Dumbledore sternly stated as he came back into the room interrupting Sirius’s thoughts.

“We got..held up..” Remus said in a haste but Dumbledore didn’t wait for an explanation.

“I advise you people to go into hiding.” Dumbledore looked at them, piercing blue eyes left no space for argument.

“What? Why?” Sirius asked the world threatening to break under him.

“Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore said somewhat disappointed. “ Your friends will update you about everything but right now I need to talk to them and then leave. I have other engagements.”

“Why do we have to go into hiding?” James asked. “How could Voldemort possibly know about the prophecy?”

“When I went to meet Sybill two weeks ago, I did not think I would have to take precaution for an interview for the post of Professor of Divination. Someone over heard us and even though they got to know only half of it, I am afraid, in this case, partial information is more dangerous than the whole.” Dumbledore sighed.    

“Who heard it?” Frank asked, deep in thought.

“I do not know. Alberforth threw him out before I could get a good look at him.” Dumbledore said. “ But for your own safety, you must go into hiding.”

“And you think there is a spy among us, because Voldemort somehow got to know where we live?” Frank asked.

“Yes.”

Sirius’s head felt heavy under all the possible scenarios he thought with the bits of information he could gather.

“Voldemort has been trying to recruit the four of you for a while now. It could be either of your kids.” Lily gasped as Dumbledore sat down heavily on the chair. He looked aged, more than usual.

Sirius saw Remus take a chair beside Lily and rub her back comfortingly.

“Take a day and decide what you want to do. I have said what I think is best for you. But be careful and be alert.” Dumbledore said and waved his hand dismissively.

“Alice, Frank..” Lily called them as they were leaving, “You can come with us. We are so sorry. We didn’t know you were attacked..”

“Don’t worry Lily.” Frank said. “It’s no ones’ fault. We’re all in danger.”

“We’ve been staying with Marlen. It’s okay for now.” Alice said. Sirius saw a hint of smile on her face as Frank pulled her close. “Be safe, all of you.”

“You too.” Lily said.

“James…” Sirius wanted to ask the questions firing in his brain but was cut off by James. “Not here.” He whispered. “Let’s go back to our flat.”

James and Lily got into their car, bought second hand a few months ago because both apparition and floo made Lily horribly nauseous now. James had learned to drive it, quite well, with Remus’s help.

Sirius lit up a cigarette as James and Lily left and Remus joined him for the walk back to the bike.

“I wish we’d stayed in bed.” Remus took the cigarette from between his fingers and took a long drag.

It surprised Sirius a little. Remus was never the one to want to back out of a difficult situation especially when it came to his friends. Sirius saw Remus’s shoulders drooping-he hadn’t look that tired even this morning. This war was carving out everything they’d built together. Sirius couldn’t deny that he wished the same but if James and Lily and their unborn kid were in trouble, all else could go to hell.

 **

Sirius’s head was spinning, his ears ringing as James recounted everything that Dumbledore had told them. He dropped his head in his hands and the blood rushing through his ears drowned out everything else but the sound of his frantic heartbeat. Everyone he loved, the kid who wasn’t even born yet was facing a threat-it could’ve been James and Lily instead of Frank and Alice and they might not even have survived. It made Sirius’s entire body churn with fear, anger and hatred.

“Hey.” Remus’s quite voice whispered into his ears.

He looked up to see Remus bending down over him, supporting his neck. Sirius felt hot and cold at the same time. Fuck! He’d had a panic attack. He couldn’t afford to be the weak one when his friends were facing the real threat.

Lily placed a glass of water in front of him on the table. “Okay?” She asked as she took a chair beside him and ruffled his hair.

Sirius nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Lily smiled a little. “I’m scared too.”

Sirius wanted to burst out into tears at the honest confession. Even saying this out loud had seemed like threat these past few months- like it would leave a gaping hole in the courage they’d accumulated piece by piece. But Sirius just took Lily’s hand in his and squeezed them gently, understandingly.

“So it can be both your and their kid.” Remus said.

“But only one will be the chosen one and apparently Voldemort will choose him by marking him but the person at the Hogs Head Inn heard only the first part. He, assuming he’s Voldemort’s informant, only knows that a child born at the end of July will be the one to vanquish him.” James said. “Merlin knows how many Voldemort will kill for this. There could be so many couples pregnant…”

“But they haven’t defied Voldemort, James.” Lily said, like she was explaining this for the hundredth time.

“Lily, how exactly have we defied him?” James asked exasperated. “ He’d asked us, all of us to join him and we refused, he threatened but no harm was done. And even then we knew that it was mostly Sirius he was after. We surely haven’t ‘thrice defied him’.”

“What about Frank and Alice?” Remus asked. “ Did they..?”

“I don’t know.” Lily said. “ I mean if they were asked to join him again the night they were attacked, then it might be twice, I think. First time was, same as us, just out of school.”

“Not that I know much about prophecies but we have to be prepared. There’s a chance you might be attacked again, if the prophecy does indeed apply to you.” Remus said and Sirius looked up at him, horrified. James and Lily’s reactions exactly mirrored his. Remus looked away, undoubtedly uncomfortable at being the one to say the forbidden, scary thoughts.

“Why does Dumbledore think it applies to you?” Sirius asked just to break the silence. “ If you haven’t defied Voldemort thrice..”

“Because Frank and Alice were attacked and further more they’re purebloods and so is James and so will be our kid.” Lily said. “ Why do you think we might be attacked again?” she asked Remus.

“Lily, I…” Remus looked rather ashamed of what he’d said earlier and Sirius had to bite down his words to defend him because even he was curious as to what was going on in Remus’s head.

“No, Remus please. You are one of the smartest and knowledgeable people I know. I need to know what you’re thinking.” Lily said. “ You don’t need to be so flabbergasted. I’m asking for your help.”

Remus hesitated and waited a minute to gather the thoughts in his head.“Prophies are strange..twisted words which can have multiple interpretation and almost always do. Like it makes no sense that Voldemort would attack you or them simply because you’re pregnant or pure blood when you haven’t actually defied him thrice. It’s like knowing what can happen, increases the chance that it will happen simply because people think it will happen. It’s like a circle, there’s no beginning or end.”

Lily nodded thoughtfully. “That seems possible.”

“You should go into hiding.” Remus whispered.

“For how long?” Lily asked.

“As long as it takes to keep you and the baby safe.” James said and Sirius couldn’t have agreed more.

“We need to fight to protect our kid, James. It’s our duty to make this a safer place for him.” Lily said, her green eyes beginning to shimmer-the kind which told people she was not someone to be messed with.

“You don’t know if it will be a him.” James said matter of factly, pulling his hair back and Sirius almost laughed. That is what stood out in the sentence for James! That was so typically James.

“Yes, I know.” Lily shouted as she started pacing, her hands on her hips. “I’m the mum, I know.”

Sirius understood they’d been having this argument for quite some time and smiled a little. He looked at Remus to see that a slight smiled had escaped him as well, his canines flashing. Sirius toppled in love all over again with that smile.

“James.”

“Lily.” James whispered. “I too want to fight to keep him safe but we have to be able to have him to keep him safe and that’s not possible if you’re dead.”

“I’m not gonna die.” Lily said dismissively.

“Alice could have.” James said and walked over to his wife. “ I have to keep you safe.” He pulled her in for a deep kiss.

Sirius looked at Remus and smiled earning a smile in return. They seldom kissed in the public or even in front of their friends and though it had bothered Sirius initially he understood that Remus’s sense of being discriminated ran too deep but he seldom held back in private. The thought of the events of that morning suddenly filled him with warmth but it seemed forever ago.

“You can stay at the shack where Remus transforms. It’s hidden, under his fathers’s name. You should be safe there.” Sirius said and looked at Remus for any objection. There was none. Remus agreed in an instant.

“No, It’s too risky for Remus.” James said, “With Greyback...” But James stopped as Lily hit him in the shoulder.

Sirius was hit with a lightning jolt and Remus looked sickly faint. “You know about that?”

“We heard..” Lily said. “Remus it’s…I’m so sorry that Greyback’s after you.”

It was no secret that Greyback wanted Remus but he hadn’t acted upon it yet. “It’s fine, Lily.” Remus whispered.

“We were actually thinking that we could stay in your flat for a few days just till we find another one for us.” Lily asked.

“If you don’t mind.” James added.

“No.” Both Sirius and Remus said together.

“You can stay where ever you need to.” Remus said. “We’ll stay at the shack for now. You can just take a few cloths and stay there for a while.”

“Thanks mate.” James smiled and Remus nodded.

“Just when you get a new home, don’t tell us.” Remus whispered.

The three of them again looked at him in confusion.

“Dumbledore told me that a lot of people on the other side are Legilimens and we don’t know Occlumency so…”

“Why would..?”

“Just please, James…” Remus said , almost pleading  and waited for just a beat before he rushed out of their flat.

“I’ll…go..” Sirius didn’t wait to say goodbye as more questions popped up in his head.

“Not here.” Remus said as he waited by the motorcycle.

Sirius silently hit ignition and they rode back to their flat in London from where they apparated back to the shack. The silence gnawed at him. Remus was keeping secrets from him but so was he..Oh Merlin!!!  

“Rem, what is going on?” He asked as soon as they entered their house.

Remus cast  protection charms on the doors and windows. “Dumbledore has been teaching me Occlumency for some mission he wants to send me to.”He said finally.

“What mission?” Sirius asked, he felt like he would collapse under the burden of information.

“I don’t know.” Remus said as he put on the kettle.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius asked. Didn’t they have sex just this morning in this very kitchen? It seemed all so far now.

“Because he told me not to tell anyone.” Remus sighed.

Sirius could see Remus’s shoulder blades as he stood back turned towards Sirius, supporting himself on the kitchen top.

“You have to tell me these things, Re.” Sirius hesitated. “Chances are this mission might be very dangerous and when you resist they will hurt you.”

“I know.” Remus’s voice was barely audible above the sob that racked through him.

“Re?” Sirius padded up behind him and placed his hands on Remus’s hips and leaned into him, trying to absorb the pain that he could feel radiating in waves through Remus. Remus turned and buried his face in the hollow of Sirius’s neck.

“He can see…everything..us..me my pain…anger..insecurities..us having sex…me being bitten..” Remus said in between sobs and coughing. When..ev.. can’t..stop him..he can see eve’thing…” Remus screamed and Sirius held him tighter. “ Why..why me? I’m so.. sick of this..life..being a werewolf and him thinking he can do this to me.”Remus cried. 

They were both on the ground by the time Remus could breath properly again. Sirius had been carding his fingers through Remus’s hair realizing now that this was what had prompted that morning’s events. He should’ve seen the hints. Remus seldom lost control like this and it was never sudden. It was almost always a building up of tension, anger, sadness that accumulated piece by piece inside Remus and he tried to hid it, to swallow it back- fearing that his problems might be a burden to everyone, to Sirius and finally when he had to vomit up the churning black mass of pain and suffering, this is how it happened.

When Remus finally let go, Sirius’s shirt was full wet. “I’m sorry.” Remus whispered.

“No. No, Rem. I am sorry.” Sirius nodded his head vehemently. “ I should’ve guessed.” He’d been so busy with Regulus and so caught up in how he was hiding things from Remus that he’d forgotten to look if Remus had been keeping things from him. “ You have to tell me, Re. You have to talk to me. I cannot bear to see you in so much of pain.”

Remus nodded but kept his eyes on the ground, sniffing and rubbing his nose with the back of his hands. His nose and ears had gone red, eyes and gone red and puffy. Sirius pulled him in to kiss him. His lips were salty from the tears that had settled on the chapped skin. Remus always pulled and bit his lips, drawing blood.  Remus sighed into his mouth and took an unsteady breath. "I love you" he whispered making Sirius's heart expand and glow, as always.

Sirius wanted to ask why Remus had brought up being a werewolf and being used by Dumbledore. Is that what Dumbledore has been doing- training Remus to be sent to Greyback? He would also have to ask Regulus about the man who could’ve possibly been at the Hog’s Head. Regulus might know who the spy in the Order was. But Sirius kept these thoughts aside for now and pulled Remus into the bathroom for a warm bath. As Remus settled in the bathtub he sighed. “ Thank you for everything. For loving me and being here despite of what I am…”

Sirius’s heart twisted in pain at how grateful Remus looked, his beautiful angel who deserved everything but didn’t think himself worthy of anything. He would kiss Remus tonight until dawn, till his lips ache and still he would kiss him some more. “You’ll thank me more after seeing what I got you.” He said instead, grinning.

He bought back two cups of tea and handed one to Remus. He stopped after taking the first sip. “Vodka with tea. Nice.” He smiled. “I guess I needed that.”

“We’ll worry about everything else tomorrow. Yeah?” Sirius asked.

“Okay.” Remus smiled as he took another sip of his tea laced with Vodka.

Chapter Text

Sirius was glad that Halloween had fallen on a weekend. For twelve years, days around Halloween had been difficult for him. He couldn’t get out of bed, his body felt paralyzed neck below and he in general felt numbness like a physical being, taking the form of Remus and smothering him under a pillow. Things had gotten better after he was allowed to see Harry and this year the day had just silently crept up on him. He hadn’t noticed the date until the morning newspaper was delivered to him by an owl.

He stared at it for a while but felt nothing and wondered if he’d finally lost his humanity. Wasn’t he supposed to be sad, depressed, crying his eyes out? Instead he felt nothing, like it was just another day of his miserable life. He tried to keep his mind off things and spent the entire day grading papers.

During dinner he went down to the Great Hall. It was decorated just like he remembered it- hundreds and hundreds of candle filled pumpkins, a cloud of fluttering live bats, and numerous flaming orange streamers, which were swimming lazily across the stormy ceiling.

He could’ve sworn it was 1975.

Professor McGonagall gave him a warm smile and he wished her in return. “You look..good.” She said.

“Thank you.” Sirius smiled, a strange warmth filling his heart. In this place, around people, he felt less alone, less estranged from reality. Maybe he should come down here more often. He found an empty seat and sat down beside Professor Flitwick who started talking to him instantly. He enjoyed the dinner and occasionally looked at Harry, Ron and Hermione sitting together. From a distance he could easily imagine James, Peter and Lily. Though it wasn’t until seventh year that Lily had sat with the four of them during Halloween. Dinner ended with the Hogwarts ghosts entertaining the students with their theatrics -unnerving and scaring quite a few first years’.

As students filtered out of the hall, against the tide of outgoing students, Filch came running, Mrs.Norri behind him. He ran up to Dumbledore and animatedly whispered something in his ears. Dumbledore’s face hardened. “There’s been a breach in the castle. Professors please station yourselves at the main entrances. No one should enter or leave the castle. The Dementors are guarding the outer boundaries. Proceed with caution.”

As the other Professors shuffled and marched on to their duty, McGonagall asked the headmaster. “Is it him Albus?”

“Sadly. Yes.” Dumbledore said and looked at Sirius. He had no idea which entrance he was supposed to guard. “It’s Remus Lupin.”

Sirius froze. Remus was here, in the castle, on Halloween!!

“Mr. Black, I know this might be difficult but I need you to come with me.” Dumbledore said and made his way out of the Hall.

Sirius, still sitting in his chair, saw Snape standing at a distance. “You’re helping him.” He sneered.

“What?” Sirius was still dazed, unable to comprehend the enormity of the situation just yet. He’d maintained his distance with Snape ever since his arrival at Hogwarts. After everything that had happened during the war, they’d both mutually agreed to avoid each other.

“It’s Halloween. It’s been twelve years and you’re still helping him.” Snape said again, walking up to him, his long black robes bellowing behind him.

“You think I will help him get into the castle?” Sirius stood up.

“You were in love with him. Who knows what sort of sickening bond the two of you shared- a werewolf and a Black?” Snape spat, venomous dislike in his voice.

“And you were in love with Lily. Yet you were the one who…”

“Don’t you dare.” Snape gritted his teeth. His pale face turned paler if that was even possible.

“Maybe you shouldn’t either.” Sirius shot back.

“Stop acting like babies.” Dumbledore’s stern voice broke them off. He came back into the hall and stood at the alter

"The teachers and I need to conduct a thorough search of the castle," Professor Dumbledore announced to the students as Professors McGonagall and Flitwick closed all doors into the hall. "I'm afraid that, for your own safety, you will have to spend the night here. I want the prefects to stand guard over the entrances to the hall and I am leaving the Head Boy and Girl in charge. Any disturbance should be reported to me immediately," he added to Percy, the head boy, whom Sirius recognized to be one of his distant relative "Send word with one of the ghosts."

“The Fat Lady confirmed.” Dumbledore turned to them now. “ It was him. He tried to break into the Gryffindor common room. But when he failed to provide the password, he attacked the Fat Lady.” He came closer to them as the Hall filled up again with all the students. “Put aside your differences. The safety of the students of paramount.” He said softly. “Severus, go and search for any signs of the perpetrator in your designated section. Sirius, I need you to search the secret passageways. I know you know them all.”

Numbly Sirius nodded. As he was leaving, he caught a glimpse of Harry amongst a wave of students gliding back into the hall. He looked a little shaken but he was with his friends and Sirius hoped that would be enough, at least for now.

He first went to the statue of the one-eyed witch that led to the Honeydukes’ cellar. It was pretty easy to access the castle through that. On a Halloween night, Honeydukes might’ve been closed. If Remus had broken into the shop, there wasn’t anything stopping him. He would know the pathway like the back of his hand. Thousands of times they’d sneaked out of the castle to get chocolates, though Sirius wondered if he would remember details after years in Azkaban. But there wasn’t any scent of Remus there. Sirius knew Remus’s distinct scent-he’d had vivid dreams of it all his life. He would recognize it anywhere. Remus hadn’t been there. He touched the cold stones. There was no external magic either-only the hum of the castle’s ancient magic that currented through each stone and every wall- using the basic roots of that magic they’d drawn the walls in their map.

He next went on to the statue of Gregory the Smarmy on a fifth-floor corridor of the East Wing. It was a downward gliding small passage which opened behind a gargoyle and lead out to a side of Quidditch field. People seldom came to these remote corners of the Castle. Sirius took his time to breath in the cold air after what felt like the most suffocating ten minutes he’d had in a while. He searched every corner around the gargoyle by the light of his wand but there was no recognizable sign of Remus. A little distance away he could see the towering structures of the stands in the Quidditch field silhouetted against the light of the waxing gibbous moon. The full moon was only couple of days away. Why would Remus attack now? And in the Gryffindor common room.. Was he trying to end what he’d started twelve years ago? Is he still doing it for Voldemort, Greyback?? Who? Regulus had said that he had information that Voldemort was in Albania-could it be that Remus had been there and back since his escape since June? How could he possibly get answers to these questions that plagued him now? Could Regulus help him? Would he?

Sirius sat down on the cold grass-out of breath and dizzy. This was not the time for another panic attack. There were other places he would have to check. If Remus had indeed attempted to break into the castle chances are, he’ll do it again. If he knew the passage he was using, he could tell Dumbledore and guard it.

Since he was out in the field, he decided to take the passage below the Willow and go to the shack. Fuck! Why had that not been the first place he’d checked? But it would be impossible for Remus to go across the field all the way from the Willow to the Castle. There were Dementors everywhere.

But against all logic and reason he caught what he could only imagine was Remus’s smell even before he’d reached the tree. He looked around, wary and wand read in his hand, almost expecting him to be there.

“Homenum Revelio” But there was nothing around him expect the chilly wind that suddenly seemed to be howling in his ears.

Sirius pointed his wand at the Willow to immobilize it when a sudden sound startled him. He looked around to see a cat purring at him. It stood a few feats away but with such confident and alert eyes the animal watched him that Sirius almost wondered if it was a real cat or an animagus. It wasn’t Professor McGonagall- of that he was certain. It had a dark colored fur, he couldn’t really be certain in the dim light but it really looked familiar. It stared at him for a few seconds and then turned around and walked away, its tail pointed high up in the air.   

Sirius shrugged off the uneasy feeling and entered the passage as soon as the tree was immobilized. Once inside he could smell Remus everywhere. It was all around him, encasing him in a trance. Though he’d starved and sworn, over the years that he’d give anything to feel the slightest hint of Remus’s presence, now he felt nothing but suffocation. The fact that the tunnel seemed much smaller now than it ever had before didn’t help. He decided to change into Padfoot but though it helped him make his way to the shack, Remus’s smell only grew stronger and he changed back the moment he was in the shack.  

The sudden on slaughter of memories was too much for him. How many times had James, Peter and he accompanied Remus on the full moon? He'd never counted back then. Running with Moony and the pack was so thrilling and adrenaline pumping that Sirius had never bothered to stop and marvel at the situation. Their transformation process had been so hard, tiring and riddled with failures that once they’d finally achieved it, it seemed like their just reward for hard work. And a part of it surely was; but it was also a gift from magic and his life in the same sense that Mr. and Mrs. Potter were- an escape from a hard and painful life. But he, unlike Remus, had never thought it would end so soon and abruptly. His life stopped completely on that fateful day of ’81. Nothing could ever kick start it and no matter how dearly he loved Harry, forgetting Remus was something he hadn’t been able to do in the last decade. He brushed away the tears and quickly muttered a few charms to check for any signs of life but there was none. Remus’s smell lingered in the air but there was no sign of recent damage on the wooden walls and broken furniture which meant he hadn’t transformed here. But Sirius was forced to wonder why Remus would come to the shack if not to transform? There were easier ways to enter the castle. And Snape’s words jumped around in his head. How could Remus enter into the castle without someone’s help? Was someone helping him? What if this was their rendezvous point? He found nothing tangible but cat’s hair in the shack and the only reason he recognized that was because he felt that the cat’s hair belonged to the one he’d just seen outside. Could the cat indeed be an animagus? He decided he would check the Animagus Registry before telling Dumbledore anything about a cat helping a supposed lunatic entering a highly secure castle. Even in his paranoid mind, it seemed highly improbable.

As he went back to the castle to check the other passages, Snape stopped him near the kitchens.

“So late?” He looked at Sirius suspiciously.

Sirius meant to walk away from him but Snape stopped him again. “I already checked the other passages. The werewolf wasn’t there.”          

Even after all this time, Sirius’s blood boiled at how Snape addressed Remus. This was the reason why he’d done what he’d done in fifth year. “Don’t call him that.”

“So much love.” Snape sneered. “You’re helping him and one way or the other I’ll prove it and then both of you can rot in Azkaban together.”

That was all Sirius could take after the day he’d just had. “You know what?” Sirius whispered through his gritted teeth and took a step closer to Snape. “ I wish I’d killed you back in fifth year. Remus or I might’ve ended up in Azkaban but James and Lily might’ve been alive and Harry wouldn’t have been an orphan. The world would’ve been a better place.”

Snape looked livid and that satisfied Sirius extremely. As Snape drew his wand out, presumably, to attack Sirius in the open, Professor McGonagall shouted from behind Sirius. “This is unacceptable.”

As Snape pocketed his wand, Sirius stepped away from him and turned towards the professor.

“You are not students anymore. There are greater things at risk here. Harry’s life is on the line here, Mr. Black. I don’t need to remind you that. We are on the same side. Act like adults.” She pursed her lips like she does with her students.

“I’ve told the Headmaster, he’s helping him.” Snape pointed towards Sirius. “How else could Lupin get inside.”

Sirius meant to argue but the professor came to his defense. “Nonsense. Sirius would never harm Harry.”

And even though Snape meant to argue more, McGonagall stopped him. “Sirius, the Headmaster wants to meet you in his office. Severus, I need to talk to you about Malfoy’s detention. Now.”

Without further words Sirius went to meet Dumbledore.

“So Mr. Lupin did not contact you?” Dumbledore asked. He was seated in his chair, tired but alert at the same time.

“No.” Sirius replied. He was tired of convincing people that he wasn’t helping Remus. “I think he came through the Shrieking Shack or was there recently.”

“Do you know any way he could’ve eluded the Dementors to enter the castle?” Dumbledore looked at him over half moon spectacles, his blue eyes probing and Sirius had a distinct feeling that Dumbledore was asking if Remus was an animagus.

“No, Sir. I don’t.” Sirius looked away and shifted on his feet wondering if he should tell about the cat but he decided not to. Dumbledore obviously picked up on it and asked him, “Is there something you wish to share with me?”

“No, Sir.” Sirius replied, making an effort to sound convincing this time.

“Okay.” Dumbledore nodded. “Stay alert.”   

That night Sirius visited Madam Pomfrey and asked for a sleeping draught that she handed over without question. She looked so utterly despaired that Sirius was forced to ask her if she was okay.

“Yes.” She managed a smile. “Just..I can’t imagine the boy I knew doing..this.” She looked at him in pity. She knew most how close Remus and he had been-all those post full moon mornings spent in the infirmary. Sirius felt uncomfortable conversing with people who knew about him and Remus. It seemed wrong somehow. He managed to nod his head in reply and mumbled a polite word of thanks before leaving.

He spent most of the early morning hours over the next few days in the Library. He went over all the book on Lycanthropy again but he wasn’t any wiser in realizing how Remus could’ve hid from the Dementors. The Animagus Registry was a dead end as well. There had been only seven in the last century, excluding them, and none other than Professor McGonagall was a cat. He also sent Regulus a letter, apologizing about his earlier behavior and asking if they could meet.

The days passed in a flurry of activities. He had a number of classes and they kept getting more challenging as the year progressed. He enjoyed teaching and a few students, like the Weasley twins, Patil sisters, Cedric, Luna and Hermione kept him on his toes. Even though Draco and a few Slytherins got on his nerves, it usually paled in comparison to the good times he was having.

Professor McGonagall asked him a couple of days after the break in. “Do you think it is wise to let Potter practice Quidditch?”

Sirius was quite disoriented for a while. “Why not?..I mean he loves the sports..”

“He’ll be out in the evening, with only his classmates…” the Professor struggled to explain. Perhaps even she understood the absurdity of the situation thought it seemed to be the safest option.

“We are not letting him go to Hogsmeade. And now if we stop him from Quidditch-he’s basically being kept under house arrest. I’ve seen how someone or the other is always around him in the corridors. Believe me Professor, I want to keep him in my room but if there’s anything I’ve learnt in the past couple years-Harry is just as stubborn as James and Lily were. He’ll revolt, get angry. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to ask him to not play Quidditch.”

“I understand.” The professor sighed. “ Can I ask him, though?”

“Sure.”

“If he disagrees, then I will request Madam Hooch to oversee the practice.” She sighed.

“Thank you Professor.” Sirius actually felt grateful that McGonagall had asked him before deciding something about Harry. No one considered him an actual guardian even thought he’s the only one that acts like it.

The days leading up to the match deteriorated steadily-The sky was overcast with dark clouds constantly rumbling. It rained at all times of the day and some days grew so dark that extra lamps and lanterns had to be lit during the day. The weather gave way to a rising apprehension in Sirius's chest and he frequently found himself lost in thought of where Remus must’ve sought shelter in such tormenting cold and rain.

He also wanted to know how Harry had been doing. After all, he had been the target that night. Since the break in, he’d been worried about how it’d affected Harry but between hectic classes and Harry’s Quidditch practice, they could barely get time to catch up. A few times they ran into each other on the corridor. Sirius gave him a quick hug and asked if everything was alright and Harry always smiled and said yes. Knowing nods and smiles were sometimes exchanged at the Great Hall as Sirius had started frequenting them now during dinner. Though Sirius took their DADA classes, they were strictly professional there.

The night of the full moon turned out to be especially rough. Sirius struggled to sleep through the night as thunder cracked open the sky every half minute, the howling wind knocked at the window and it seemed that the heavens itself had cracked open. After a tiring day, Sirius found himself in bed, twisting and turning- his joints ached in a way it hadn’t for the past few months. His muscles were being tugged on, torn apart by unseen forces, his skin burnt and he was parched but he could barely move let alone get himself a glass of water. As he lay on the bed with an addled brain and searing pain in his veins, he had visions of Remus- a malnourished skeletal body with only skin hanging off his bones, trapped in a dungeon. Darkness surrounded him as hundreds of Dementors circled above, feeding off him. He screamed in pain even as he was curled into a ball on the cold, hard floor. And then just as suddenly the dementors moved away clearing the sky and a shaft of silvery light hit him. The skeleton broke- all 206 bones-and Sirius could feel each of them cracking under the paper thin skin. He could see the hazy canopy above his bed. He tried telling himself that it was just a dream but the pain he felt was very real. He groaned and withered, biting down on his lips lest he wake his mother up in the middle of the night-she will not be pleased with him.

Sirius woke up, a wail tearing through him. But even as he was painfully aware of his surroundings, he couldn’t move-nothing worked and for few excruciating minutes he lay there in shear agony and in silence. Even his vocal cords seemed to be paralyzed. As he slowly regained the strength in his muscles he sat up and conjured a glass of water. Every strike of lightning alerted him up a little to his surroundings. He checked his watch. It was three-ten in the night and Sirius wondered if he could fall asleep again. All thoughts, even the once he’d buried long ago, seemed to have sneaked up on him. He’d always worried about Remus in some capacity or another but he hadn’t thought of Walburga in a really long time.

He uncoiled the sweaty bed sheet from his body, lit up a cigarette and went to stand by the window. It was pitch dark outside, the blue thunder the only source of periodic illumination. The candle flickering on his table cast an image of the room onto the glass and Sirius stared at himself-cigarette handing off his lips, his bare torso and the tattoo on his chest that flaunted a full moon; as if he needed a reminder to the event. He looked at his shadowy image and tried to imagine he was nineteen-Remus would silently walk up behind him and cuddle him with arms around his stomach and chest.

But these were wishful thinking, memories of a different lifetime and as the rising smoke from the cigarette made Sirius’s eyes burn, he butted it out and blew out his candle, hoping that the complete darkness would relieve his burning eyes.    

***

The day of the Quidditch match, Sirius woke up very excited about seeing his godson play in an actual match. But he grew worried as he realized that the weather was worse than ever that day. Gryffindor were playing against Hufflepuff and from what Sirius had picked up, Hufflepuff’s seeker, Cedric, was quite a good player but more than anything he hoped every student would be safe at the end of the match. The weather would not favor either team today.

Everyone and everything was drenched in rain. Sirius pulled his coat close to himself but nothing worked against the cold. He saw Hermione and Row sitting on the bench below him hurdled together under an umbrella that provided no respite.    

Suddenly he saw Harry rising fast, but his Nimbus was swerving slightly with the wind. Neither Madam Hooch nor the commentator was audible.

Harry blindly flew backward and forward across the field and though Sirius tried to keep his eyes only on Harry, he couldn’t see past the clouds drifting in and out of the air space. He shouted his lungs out once he realized Harry might be unseated by a Bludger but it was futile. Harry only narrowly missed it and Sirius had a mini heart attack. Jesus Prongs! I am not cut out to take this kind of tension.

Twice Harry nearly hit another player. Eventually Sirius settle to cover his eyes with his palms. This was too much. He was gonna have a panic attack anytime time. Things never seemed so dangerous when they used to play. This was a disastrously dangerous game and this weather was the last situation anyone should be playing in. He laughed at himself. Was this him being a parent?

He did notice a crucial thing though. Harry was having more trouble because of his glasses. Ha tapped Hermione on her shoulders.

“Professor Black?”

“Can you get to Harry during the break?” Sirius shouted. Hermione nodded. “Good! Impervius Charm, do you know it?”

“I do.” Hermione nodded and Sirius saw the idea click in her head. “Why didn’t I think of it before!” She said exasperated.

Sirius smiled and went back to the game.

The players landed as Madam Hooch blew the whistle. Wood had called a time-out. Hermione hurried down to the ground. Word went around that Gryffindor were fifty points up.

“It’s done.” Hermione said as she climbed back into the stand.

“Thank you.” Sirius mouthed and she smiled as the players went back into the game.

Hermione's spell seemed to have done the trick. Harry seemed better aware of his surroundings now. Thunder clapped as dark clouds flew in fast. This was getting more and more dangerous. Harry needed to get the Snitch quickly.

Sirius hated staying out in thunders and even as he was trying to clear out the white noise he saw Harry get distracted by something. He suddenly dropped a few feet and Sirius was up on his feet. Something was wrong. He could sense it.

"Harry!" Wood yelled from the Gryffindor goal posts. "Harry, behind you!"

Harry looked wildly around. Cedric Diggory was pelting up the field, and a tiny speck of gold was shimmering in the rain-filled air between them

Harry threw himself flat to the broom handle and zoomed toward the Snitch.

Sirius felt them before he saw them. An eerie silence fell across the stadium and for a moment everything seemed to be in a state of suspended animation. Everything seemed to slow down and then a sudden wave of cold swept over him.

"No..please..please wake up." James's eyes were wide open, frozen, spectacles crocked on his nose.

"James, I'm so sorry. Please..please..." He sobbed, blind behind a curtain of hot tears. " Please..."

Sirius looked around. At least a hundred dementors, their hidden faces pointing up at Harry, were standing beneath him. They were all moving towards Harry and he seemed to be frozen in space. But it only a moment before he lost control of his broom and even as Sirius shouted for Harry, he could only watch as Harry fell off off it. Sirius pointed his wand at him and shouted, “Arresto Momentum”.

He didn’t know if he’d managed to slow Harry down but dimly he heard Dumbledore chant the same incantation and Harry slowed down the last few feet before he hit the ground.

Sirius could barely move. Around him students were either felling from the Dementors or towards the ground. Soon the entire student body had Harry surrounded. As Dumbledore cast a powerful Patronas Charm, the Dementors fled the ground. Sirius ran down to the field and push people aside blindly.

No! No! This cannot be happening. “Harry!!” Sirius was on the ground beside him. Fuck he looked so pale. “Harry! Wake up. Come on, Wake up.”

“Let them take him to the infirmary.” He heard someone say. “Madam Pomfrey can help him surely.” He was pulled away by someone as Dumbledore conjured a stretcher and took Harry to the into the castle.

Sirius ran after them all the way to the hospital wing. “ Please tell me he’s okay?” He rushed inside and Dumbledore stopped him midway.

“Sirius, Harry is fine. Just cold and tired. Let Madam Pomfrey do her work.”

“Please tell me he’s alive.” Sirius begged Madam Pomfrey.

“Oh dear! Of course he’s alive. He’ll be up and awake in no time.” She replied even as she fussed over Harry. Sirius had never been more terrified in his entire life. He couldn’t imagine what could’ve happened..

“It’s okay, Albus. Let him stay.” Sirius felt like he would burst with tears when Madam Pomfrey said this. He had never been more grateful.

As Dumbledore left, he sat down on the opposite bed and let the Healer do her work. For now he was just glad that Harry was alive and breathing.

Eventually Ron came up to him and sat beside him. “You’ve been here for a while, you know.”

“It’s okay. I can….” Sirius looked at him.

“Maybe you should get a change of clothes and a cup of tea or..coffee..” Ron said. “We are here. We’ll tell you once he’s awake.”

Sirius didn’t want to leave but Percy Weasley came straight up to him. “The Headmaster asked me to tell you to meet him. There’s something urgent he wants to discuss.”

Sirius wanted to punch something right then. Couldn’t he get a bloody fucking minute by his godson in peace even in such a situation.

“It’s all right.” Said Ron. “We’re here.”

Sirius turned to see most of his friends hurdled together at the door waiting for Harry. As Sirius left they went in and crowded around Harry’s bed. Sirius sighed. At least Harry was not alone.

He didn’t bother getting a change of clothes. He went straight to Dumbledore. “What happened? Why were there so many of them together? They were no where to be seen when he came into the castle and today they just gathered up?”

“Mr. Lupin was there.” Dumbledore’s words stopped him on his track.

“How do you know?” Sirius asked calmly.

“Why else would they come? Last time he got away, now they were more vigilant. He must have been in the vicinity.” Dumbledore said matter-of-factly.

“Or maybe they were just drawn to the cheer and happiness in the crowd!”

“Possible.” Dumbledore sighed. “I have given them strict instructions to stay only at the gates. It shouldn’t be a problem anymore.”

Sirius wanted to shout and break every bloody object in sight. He took a few deep breaths in and out and stomped out of the Headmaster’s office.

When he went back to the infirmary, Harry was awake and Ron and Hermione were sitting on either side of his bed. The left with polite greeting once he came up to them.

“Harry.” Sirius sat down by the bed as Harry attempted to sit up.

“Sirius, I’m fine. Really.” Sirius pulled him in for a hug. He was still so cold to the touch.

“I was really worried kiddo.” Sirius whispered, tearing up. He would die if something were to happen to Harry.     

“I’m okay.” Harry assured him. “My broom stick though..” Harry showed him a dozen bits of splintered wood and twig lying by the bed.

“I’m really sorry.” Sirius knew that though they could get another broom stick, the loss of such things always struck close to heart.

Madam Pomfrey insisted on keeping Harry in the hospital wing for the rest of the weekend. He didn't argue or complain, but he wouldn't let her throw away the shattered remnants of his Nimbus Two Thousand.

When Sirius was absent, Harry had a stream of visitors, all intent on cheering him up. Hagrid sent him a bunch of Earwiggy flowers that looked like yellow cabbages, and Ginny Weasley, turned up with a get-well card she had made herself, which sang shrilly unless Harry kept it shut under his bowl of fruit. The Gryffindor team visited again on Sunday morning, this time accompanied by Wood, who told Harry that he didn't blame him. But the look Wood wore around on his face all day told Sirius a different story. Ron and Hermione left Harry's bedside only at night and Sirius, against Madam Pomfrey’s promise that he was alright, decided to stay and see for himself.

“Hey Sirius?” Harry whispered one night. Sirius had probably dozed off without realizing that Harry was still awake.

“Hey. What are you doing up?” He rubbed his eyes and checked his watch. It was one in the morning.

“I have to tell you something.” His voice shook and Sirius sat up more awake.“Yeah?”

“You know before I fell,” Sirius nodded as Harry took time to arrange his thoughts in his head. “I saw the Grim again-the one Professor Trelawney saw in my cup. Is it going to haunt me now…till, you know, I’m dead..”

“No Harry!” Sirius took Harry’s hands in his.

“And then there are the dementors.” Harry sighed. “Everyone said the dementors were horrible, but no one else collapsed every time they went near one. No one else heard echoes in their head of their dying parents.”

Sirius gasped as the words left Harry’s mouth and Harry, realizing what he’d said looked away.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

No. Sirius nodded his head. “There’s..nothing to be sorry for.” He had to swallow the knot in his throat. Harry needed him now. “I..I see them too.” Sirius whispered and Harry looked at him in confusion. “When I…after the attack, I was there.” Sirius looked down at his hands holding Harry’s. “I saw James first..and the Lily….I can’t imagine how painful it must be for you to hear them and only have that part…” Sirius bit down on his lips, his eyes burning as hot tears dropped down.

Fuck.

“Sirius, I’m sorry.” Harry whispered.

Sirius looked up at his godson. In the dim light of the infirmary and under the permanently unruly hair and round eyeglasses he looked just like James. His eyes were glassy as he looked into Sirius’s eyes trying to take away or even comprehend the pain they were feeling. It was the best of James and Lily and Sirius couldn’t have been prouder.

“You have so much to tell me, isn’t it?” Harry asked. “ You know all about them and more. Why don’t you tell me?”

“Harry, I want to.” Sirius said. “Believe me, I do. But I have not seen you in so long that I don’t always know, and I’ll never accept this to anyone, but I don’t know if what I know will be the best knowledge for you. I’m completely against keeping any secrets. But I..um…the last war took a toll and I don’t want you to be burdened with that darkness.”

“But you have me now Sirius and I already have the darkness, like it or not.” Harry said. “Please tell me things from now on, okay?”

Sirius nodded. “You’re so grown up.”

Harry’s face broke into a smile. “Will you teach me how to ward off the Dementors?”

“Harry..”

“You made the one in the train go away.” Harry said stubbornly. “I need to defend myself in case they come back.”

“There was one in the train. There were hundreds yesterday.”

“Still, Sirius. Please.” Harry insisted. “I hate feeling helpless in such situations.”

Sirius bit down on his lips in deliberation. “It’s very advanced magic.”

“You became an animagus at fifteen. I’m pretty sure I can handle it if you teach me.” Harry knew he’d won using the animagus card. How could Sirius argue against that? “All right. I’ll teach you. But it stays between you and me, ‘kay?”

“Deal.” Harry laughed.

***

…Wake up Sirius..come on wake up..” Sirius was woken up by Remus shaking him vehemently. The candles in their bedroom were lighted on and he could see Remus’s maddening demeanor hunching over him.

“What..?”

“They were attacked.” Remus said looking helplessly at him.

It took Sirius a while to register what Remus was saying. “James…”

Remus nodded.

Sirius was up in an instant. “ What..How do you..?”

“They sent an owl. They’re…” But Sirius hastily picked it from Remus’s hand. Relief flooded through him once he realized that they were fine, unhurt at the very least.

Sirius sighed. “What do we do?”

They just stared at each other for a while completely at a loss of words. Things had never hit this close to home.

“ Should we go to the head quarters?” Sirius asked.

“They might not be there.” Remus whispered.

“Where the hell would they possibly go?” Sirius asked.

“ I don’t know. Alice, Marlen, Benjy…” Remus hung his head in his hands.

“We should’ve brought them here…” Sirius pulled his hair back.

“We should now. We’ll include them in this Fideles Charm tomorrow.” Remus said. “This could’ve been worse.”

“ We can go and check in the headquarters once.” Sirius worried his bottom lip. “ I can not not know..”

“Yeah! Yeah, let’s go.” Remus sighed.

“What is it?” Sirius asked. Something was bothering Remus, Sirius could tell. Underneath the worry and scare, something else was going on in his head.

“How did they know…?” Remus’s voice was broke. “ Only seven of us were there. Only we knew and I don’t..” He broke off, uncomfortable at bring up something to which he had no answer to.

Sirius looked at him, horrified. It hadn’t occurred to him before and the implications of what Remus had said was too far out of his reach right now. “Let’s just make sure they’re okay.”

They apparated directly to a dead end, dark alley a couple blocks away from the headquarters. Remus kept close to Sirius, their hands and elbows brushing and his breath trembled ever so often, that Sirius just ended up entwining his fingers with Remus’s.

James and Lily were there along with Dumbledore and Peter. Sirius’s relief on seeing James now outmatched that of when James had opened his gates to Sirius back in fifth year. He didn’t want to imagine how close they’d come to not being able to hug each other. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Remus hug Lily and hold her there.

“ What happened? ” Sirius asked when he finally gathered the courage to talk.

“Voldemort came..” James started and hesitated, “ We’ll initially it was one of his Death Eaters wearing a mask and he told us that Voldemort himself wanted to talk to us and he just materialized and…” He looked at Lily for help.

“..He asked us to join him.” Lily finished bluntly. She looked paler and sicker than she should’ve. She was in her grey pajama and tank top with her hand around her belly. “ You were right Remus. This is going to happen again.”

“Lily, I’m so..” Remus started.

“Don’t be, mate.” James said. “ We were prepared because you told us this might happen. They blew the roof right off our heads, literally. But your place…”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sirius and Remus replied simultaneously.

“Aurors are taking care of the people in the flat as we speak.” Dumbledore said. “They’ll tell the local authorities it was an explosion due to a gas leak.”    

“..It was pure luck that Peter was on patrol when the attack happened. He called for backup.” James looked at him and smiled. Till then Peter had been standing at a corner quietly, forgotten out of their conversation. He smiled at James in return. “ We owe you our lives buddy.”

Sirius couldn’t help but wonder how Peter, who never could managed to get things quite right due to his extreme clumsiness managed to detect a threat and call Aurors all in time to save James and Lily. Maybe they don’t give him enough credit for his abilities.

“How did they know where we were?” Lily asked finally. “ Only the four of us, Alice and Frank and you knew professor.”

Dumbledore kept silent, looking at each of them with severe blue eyes and caution. “ Yesterday when I sent Peter to check with you, he must have been followed.”

“I was not.” Peter squeaked immediately to defend himself but Dumbledore didn’t head his words.“You did not leave otherwise?” The professor asked.

“No. We didn’t.” James sighed. “ Peter no one is..”

“Mr. Pettigrew, I’m not blaming you.” Dumbledore said looking at him, the severity in his eyes gone. “You’ve done a good job tonight. We are at war- mistakes are inevitable but sometimes they might be very costly. We should all remember that. I’m telling you again James, Lily-go into hiding.”

“Stay in the country in our shack.” Remus said. “It is under the Charm and it is designed so that only Sirius and I know the location even after we’re outside the house…”

“No Remus.” Lily said looking at Remus beside him. “It’s too dangerous for you.”

“I am not in more danger than you are.” Sirius could hear the plea in Remus’s voice. “Please Lily, we can keep you save there.” Though Sirius had had a very rough start with Lily, they’d become friends quickly once he’d left home and started staying with James. In fact, to James’s tremendous annoyance, Sirius and Lily had become friends even before James and her had stated dating. But Remus and Lily had been best friends since first year. She’d recognized and guarded Remus’s secret without him even realizing until she’d showed up to meet him after a particularly bad full moon. They were fiercely protective of each other.

“Remus if something happens to you because of us---That is your safe place. For you and Sirius to fight and heal…” Lily smiled at him. “ We can’t..”

“I have to agree with Ms. Evans on this..” Dumbledore said. “ It will be dangerous for you Remus..”

“Mrs. Potter.” Lily said and Sirius would’ve found it funny had he not been so occupied seeing how Remus’s face had hardened and paled at Dumbledore’s words.

“You can’t expect us to just stand aside and do nothing.” Remus said, in a voice louder than Sirius had ever head him speak to an elder let alone Dumbledore. James and Lily looked at Remus-surprised as well.

“No one here is sitting useless, Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore said gravely. “ Everyone has their part to play and they can not do that if they are dead.” Remus looked like he would’ve argued but the headmaster gave him no space. “You will not reveal the whereabouts of your shack to anyone. I repeat, no one should know. Mr. and Mrs. Potter will either use the Fideles charm or will change their identities to what will be provided by me. It will be under strict confidentiality and will go through the minimum number of people to reduce further risk.”

Sirius was at a loss of words. He’d only been silently listening and for a moment he’d considered asking them to stay at Grimmauld place. After what Regulus had told him, he wondered if it would be possible to convince his mother to let them stay. Or maybe he could just confine her to a part of the house and let them stay in the other half. It was a insane idea, one that made him want to tear his hair out but wouldn’t it be worth the nightmares? He couldn’t just present this idea. He would have to ask Regulus if it was a viable option at all not to mention the wrath that would come down on his brother if Voldemort got to know who he was sheltering. Sirius reverently hoped that Regulus would show up in the next scheduled meeting—he hadn’t for two weeks and the worst possible scenarios were starting to get to him.

“..and we’ll stay here till we get the new identities.” James said breaking Sirius’s thoughts.

“We can stay with you.” Sirius said.

“Both of you have patrols from tomorrow evening.” Dumbledore said. “ You should get some rest. Kingsley will be here soon along with Alastor.”

“We’ll stay till they arrive then.” Sirius really wanted to be with his friends as long as he could.

Dumbledore agreed and left.

Remus was still sitting rigid as stone, pale. “ Are you okay?” Lily asked him.

Remus nodded but Sirius knew he was far from fine. He looked like he would pass out any minute.

“How’s the little one?” Remus asked finally facing her.

“He’s good.” Lily said rubbing her belly. “Oblivious to everything.”

“She keeps saying ‘he’.” James said looking at her. Lily and Remus were out of their earshot and Remus had finally smiled when Lilt had placed his hand on her belly to feel the baby kicking.

“And you?” Sirius asked. He couldn’t believe James was going to be a father. He just wished it would be under better circumstances.

“I’m thrilled and scared shitless about being a father. Anything, as long as it’s healthy, will make me happy out of this world.” James said.

“She looks thinner.” Sirius noticed how her tank top was hanging around her bones. Taking care of Remus had made him sensitive to these things.

“Yeah, morning sickness hasn’t really been kind to her. She keeps vomiting most of the food she eats. We went to the healer and she’s given some medicines but they don’t always work. And these attacks and she worries about everyone constantly, especially Remus with Greyback…” James looked at Sirius. “ How are you holding up?”

Sirius smiled tightly in response. Was there a right answer to this? “Remus is always on edge, tired and the full moons take a lot from him…”

“Sirius, I am so sorry that I haven’t been there the past few months with Lily pregnant and everything…” James looked down at his hands in guilt.   

“No, James. Keep your wife and child safe. It always takes priority.” Sirius said. Initially with James and Peter being absent, the two of them had felt like an incomplete puzzle-pieces of themselves missing, leaving gaping holes in a story that should’ve been complete. But they both understood the situation.

“Doesn’t Peter ask to be there anymore?” James asked. Peter had disappeared from the room as well without anyone noticing.

Sirius shrugged. He’d stopped as soon as James had stopped. Initially James and Peter used to gather in a place and apparate to the shack with Sirius’s aid. Since Sirius and Remus only knew of its location, either of them had to be present for the apparation to work. Remus’s father had designed it such that, on the off chance that someone had to be brought home, they would forget the address once they leave. It was a perfect safe house. But the magic was ancient and Remus’s father had asked and extremely powerful witch to cast it. Remus had tried and failed to even get the spell right.

“But how are you?” James asked looking directly into Sirius’s eyes.

Sirius didn’t know what to say again. He felt like changing to Padfoot and curling up in Lily’s lap close to the kid he knows he’ll love like his own son. “Like shit.” He replied.

“Hey, Sirius come feel him. He’s kicking.” Lily said from across the room.  

Sirius walked over and squatted in front of her chair. Lily took his hand and placed it on her lower belly and Sirius’s heart skipped a beat as he felt a slight nudge from the inside and he gasped. The rest of them started giggling at his reaction.

“Pretty cool, isn’t it?” James asked standing behind Lily with his hands on her shoulder.

For a moment they forgot about the threat looming over them and Sirius felt unbelievably happy for a while.

Kingsley arrived before Moody. “ Are you all right?” He asked James and Lily. “How long have you been here?”

“Since one.” James replied.

“Alright. I’m here now.” He said. “You lot can take some rest.”

“We can stay.” Remus said.

“Dumbledore said, you would say that. But listen you should get rest. You go back to work today.” Kingsley said. “ Stay till Moody comes but then he’ll chase you out.”

“We’ll take our chances.” Sirius huffed.

“Okay, then. I’ll freshen up quickly and be back.” Kingsley said and left.

“Hey, you okay?” James asked hunching over Lily who looked quite pale and was now sitting with her head in her hands.

Lily didn’t reply but she’d started sweating profusely and was breathing erratically.

“Just move aside.” He whispered. “She needs air.”

Sirius seldom knew how to act when someone was sick except for when it came to Remus. So he stood aside and let James take care of her as Remus rubbed her back.

“I’m gonna be sick.” Her voice was barely audible but James and Remus quickly helped her up to the toilet. She hunched over the toilet, head hanging between her shoulders and her body contracted violently as she retched painfully.

It was painful to watch and Sirius strolled across the hall to give Lily and James space. Remus followed him.

“Okay?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded in reply. “You?”

Remus sighed and dragged his palm down his face. “It could’ve been much worse. Do you realize that?” He sounded impatient, irritated.

“Of course I do.” Sirius shot back. How could he not? He was trying to not think about it because with everything going, he felt like he was going insane. He didn’t want to think about the flat- it would be in ruins, all of it. He was thankful to God or whatever a thousand times because James and Lily were safe and nothing was more important. But the flat-it was his and Remus’s-built from scratches. Every cupboard, book, table and music record might be gone. Their bed, where they’d made love in the darkness of the night and during bright daylight, where they’d both nursed each other through everything-why would he want to comprehend the loss of it all?

Remus has strolled over to Lily who was still hunched over the toilet but wasn’t vomiting anymore. He and James helped her up and took her inside the room. Sirius followed. James handed her a glass of water and Remus rubbed her back as she smiled weakly. “This is embarrassing!”

Remus nodded his head in disapproval but didn’t say anything while James gave her a sympathetic smile. Sirius’s heart ached as he thought of how this almost didn’t happen. Lily was only twenty, her mother had passed two years prior, the grief of which had sent her father spiraling. Her sister didn’t even liker her or any of them. Mr. and Mrs. Potter had died of small pox around the same time James and Lily had got married. Weren’t mothers’ and sisters’ essential to get through this? How could Lily and James alone figure out how to raise a kid all by themselves? Both of them deserved better that this.

As Kingsley arrived eventually with Moody , Remus and Sirius were forced out of the head quarter, urging them to get some rest.

“I’d hoped you would back me up.” Remus said as they walked back to the same alley they’d apparated in. Sirius felt like he’d been a haze for the past few hours. Now as the cold morning air touched his skin he began to feel the burden of the events of the night-physically and mentally. “What?” Sirius asked, unable to understand what Remus was referring to.

“I asked Dumbledore to let Lily and James stay with us and he refused and you didn’t back me up.” Remus accused.

“Nothing makes a fucking difference when it comes to Dumbledore. He’ll make people do what he wants them to.” Sirius whispered. “Not to mention that Greyback is really after you. It isn’t exactly a safe place for them completely.”

“Fuck you.” Remus said.

“Excuse me?” Sirius was getting irritated at how Remus was behaving. His anger practically had no context.

“You don’t get it do you?” Remus asked as he yanked Sirius in the dark alley. Little streaks of orange were visible in the sky but the sun was yet to rise. Sirius’s hand hurt where Remus had gripped him but he didn’t say anything. “He’ll send me back to Greyback. It’s why he’s been teaching me Legilimency . He wants me to figure out something. And I will have to leave you alone in the shack. James and Lily being there with you might make you stronger as a team. I would die before letting Greyback get to our house.

Sirius head reeled at Remus’s words and he leaned against the wall though Remus was still holding him by the arm. “ He’ll send you back? And ask you to poke into Greyback’s head?” Sirius asked incredulously. It was a suicide mission. “ If he finds out..” He’ll kill Remus… “No!” Sirius shouted and Remus tightly pressed his palm over Sirius’s mouth and pinned him against the wall.

“Control yourself.” He whispered into Sirius’s ears. “We’re going back to the flat.”

Sirius’s stomach gave a painful lurch as they apparated in another dingy alleyway right behind the Chinese restaurant they were so fond of. He couldn’t breath as Remus’s was still holding his palm over his mouth. He fought against Remus but to no avail. Only when Remus was sure that they weren’t being followed, did he let go of Sirius.

Sirius doubled over, coughing, his lungs burning and his eyes teared. What was going on? What was Remus doing?

“I’m sorry. I had to make sure we weren’t being followed.” Remus knelt down beside him. “I’m sorry.” Remus’s voice was constricted and he sounded genuine. “ You would’ve drawn attention. I’m sorry.”

“Who the hell is going to follow us from Headquarters?” Sirius wheezed.

“Listen to me. It’s been four hours since the attack. The ministry officials will be gone.” Remus said. “Let’s go inside the flat and secure it salvage what we can and take that back to the shack. We can talk once we’re safely in the shack. Okay?”

Sirius wanted to argue. He needed to know now if Remus was going to get killed one of these days by his maker. This wasn’t something that he could stop thinking about. But after the restraint that Remus had just shown Sirius didn’t think he had a choice but to comply. He nodded.

Remus got up on his legs and hesitantly reached out to pick Sirius up. “I really am sorry.”

They padded into the empty building. Most of the occupants had been shifted temporarily by the police due to the news of the gas leak. The door was gone-completely blown off, their dining table was broken in two, both pieces tumbled aside. The kitchen was also mostly gone-their china coffee mugs and plates all blown into pieces. Their vinyl player was broken as well along with a few of the LPs they had. Remus had meticulously arranged all their LPs in a rack on the wall, half of which was gone. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, John Lennon, Sex Pistols, Queens, ABBA, Elton John- all the classics of their era that they danced and drank to. They’d been to concerts as albums were being released, gotten the LPs signed. Everything seemed so far away now. Sirius couldn’t deny that even with everything going on, his heart broke at the state of their apartment. Remus and he had so carefully filled the void of empty spaces amongst the walls with old, second hand books and posters on the crumbling walls, rugs and second hand patio chairs in which Remus has read innumerable books over the past couple years, the couch that Mr. and Mrs. Potter had given them from storage- everything was scattered around to reveal gaping holes they’d never seen before. Sirius’s bike had gotten a few scratches here and there but over all it remained unharmed. Remus started  gathering up the books and LPs that seemed salvageable. Sirius went about gathering their clothes and toiletries. Their bed was covered in dust and splinters of wood from the broken walls but though it was usable, there was no space in the shack for another bed. They would have to leave it.

As they packed up their stuff, Sirius felt his chest getting tight. There were too many memories in every corner. Every splinter of wood had Remus and his magic weaved into them. He looked around in the bedroom. They’d had sex here their very first night in the apartment. It had been a summer night and they finally had a place of their own; no more hiding in broom closet and unused classrooms. They didn’t have the bed yet. Nestled in white sheets they’d kissed and moaned each other’s name, ran their fingers and lips all over each other, sweaty, messy bodies pressed closer than they’d ever thought possible-new found freedom sweet on their lips.

“I’m all done here.” He heard Remus say from outside but Sirius knew he would never be done with this place. It meant too much. But now there were far important things they had to take care of. If they survive, Sirius hoped they do- he promised himself he’d come back to this flat and buy it back from who ever would own it then. Though he guessed it would barely resemble what he now knew of this place but the roots of it would remain the same. And after all, wasn’t that the only thing that mattered?

***

“I think Dumbledore wants me to go back to Greyback and gather whatever information I can.” Remus finally said after they’d brought back all that they could salvage. Sirius had the urge to open a bottle fire whiskey but it was too early in the morning so he settled for lighting up a cigarette instead. “Yes. You said as much.” Sirius said. “Tea?”

Remus sighed and nodded. “ I don’t know what he would want me to do.”

“Look into Greyback’s mind and know what he’s thinking.” Sirius whispered heating up the water.

“What do you want me to do?” Remus finally asked.

“Does it matter?” Sirius finally turned to look at Remus sitting at the table. “ You’ll do what he says anyway or what is right.”

“Don’t patronize me.” Remus said, irked.

“So?” Sirius threw up his hands in the air. “ You want to know what I want to do? I want to run away with you and James and Lily and Peter to a different continent. I want to hid away with you at the edge of the world if possible so that you, Remus, you don’t get killed. What I want is to be able to live a day without looking over my shoulder for death eaters and sleep a night without having nightmares of you being killed by him.” Sirius shouted. “ So tell me Remus, can you or anyone give me that?”

Remus’s look softened, his eyes slightly glazed. “ Why didn’t you tell me you were having nightmares? How did I not know?”

“You’ve been awfully tired the past couple of months. I didn’t know why till you told me about the lessons from Dumbledore. It is very tiring, I’ve heard.” Sirius choked. “ You can’t…”

Remus padded up to Sirius and pulled him into himself. In between his sobs, Sirius could smell Remus’s overwhelming scent all around him and Remus pulled him closer every time he shuddered.

“It’s okay..” Remus whispered. “ Nothing will happen to me. I promise. I will always come back to you.”

Sirius prayed to the Universe that it might be true but doubted how long the universe would keep them safe.

In the afternoon they both left for Auror training and later Sirius, paired with Benjy, was given the job of going around certain tube station which were known Death Eater haunts. Their shift should end well before nine and he hoped he’d be able to get away to meet Regulus.

Their patrols were uneventful and Sirius, with everything going on, got irritated at how Benjy tried to come up with small talks but he held his patience. They were, after all, working towards the same goal not to mention each one was responsible for everyone’s’ safety. He answered in monosyllables and eventually Benjy got the hint and kept quiet. They reported back to the head-quarters and Sirius politely declined Benjy’s offer to grab a beer at a local pub before apparating to Hogsmeade. It was quarter to nine.

“Is he here?” Sirius asked Alberforth and wondered how this man managed to keep his pub closed whenever he and Regulus scheduled a meeting.

“Not yet.” Alberforth put out a glass in front of him and poured Sirius a drink. “You look like you need it.”

Sirius wondered how he looked. When was the last time he’d looked at himself properly in the mirror? “I never give you anything for the drinks..”

“Nah..” Alberforth dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “Business been down during the evenings though. Who would want to go out drinking with such threat looming over their heads. Only in the afternoon a few old wizards come-they don’t want to have anything to do with the war.”

Sirius nodded and took a sip of the whiskey. It was too strong and he coughed. “What is this?”

Alberforth winked. “ Strong enough to keep you going through whatever you are dealing with.”

Sirius smiled wearily.  

“Mind pouring me one?” Regulus whispered from the back making Sirius jump out of his skin. “ Jesus! How are you so silent-sneaking up like that?”

“Doesn’t Moody teach you ‘Constant Vigilance’?” Regulus said calmly. “Just because you’re here doesn’t mean you’re safe. There’s more danger here.”

Sirius sighed. He just wanted to get some sleep so that he could begin processing everything.

As Alberforth left the two of them alone, Sirius finally asked the questions burning inside him. “What the hell happened?” Sirius asked.

“What do you mean?” Regulus look genuinely surprised.

“Voldemort attacked James and Lily and the Longbottoms’…” Sirius said. “You didn’t know?”

“No! No!!” Regulus said, “You think I wouldn’t have warned you?”

“Would you?” Sirius shot back. “It would jeopardize your position.”                       

“I would’ve given you a hint at least. I’m not that ruthless.” Regulus said calmly. “You still doubt me, don’t you?”

“Not without cause.” Sirius said. “Someone is feeding your lunatic lord information from our side.”

“I don’t even have any information. I don’t even know where you live.” Regulus said as he gulped down the contents of his glass in one go. “Neither do I want to. The Dark Lord is a great mind reader. It takes all of my strength to keep him out of mine.”

“He’ll kill you if he gets to know.”

“And then he’ll come after you and every one you love.” Regulus said matter of factly. “Why were they attacked?”

“I don’t know.” Sirius lied and by the way Regulus looked at him, he knew Sirius was lying but didn’t press the matter.”

“Look! The Dark Lord doesn’t not keep everyone informed about individual jobs. He meets separate groups of people separately and the upper level of his followers only know about the people assigned under them and no one else. I have barely meet ten members myself. So, no. I don’t know anything about the attacks or about your spy. And I am not going to let innocent people die just to protect myself.” Regulus said. “Anything else?”

“I..Reg..I don’t know..I was just wondering if James and Lily would be safe at Number 12…” Sirius hesitated. This was too much to ask for but James and Lily were in danger..

“What about mum?” Regulus asked.

“I…”

“You want to hoodwink her and…” Regulus laughed cynically. “You always did love them more than us..”

“Reg, come on, I..” Sirius didn’t know what to say. “Voldemort will kill them.”

“There are other charms to protect them.” Regulus said. “You disgust me at times. You love them so much you’re ready to put me and mother at risk..”

“You don’t stay there anymore.” Sirius said.

“But it’s our house and they might come looking for me if something goes wrong.” Regulus said. “Do you think about all these? You’re just impulsive as always.”

“Reg…” but he was out before Sirius could say something. He hadn’t thought the conversation would go south this fast but then he should’ve expected it. They’d just paired up to bring Voldemort down. It didn’t mean Regulus cared for their side. Sirius was about to leave too but on a hunch he asked, “Mr. Dumbledore?” He was nowhere to be seen.

“Yes?” He came down the stairs to the bar.

“What happened when Professor Dumbledore came to interview a candidate for Divination?” Sirius asked.

“I’m not supposed to tell you.” Alberforth said. “ My brother forbade me but I guess it’s another of those things he keeps secret to protect and further the greater cause.”

“Mr. Dumbledore, please.” Sirius pleaded. “ My friends’ lives depend on it.”

Alberforth sighed. “You didn’t hear it from me.”

“I didn’t.”

“He was interviewing this rather woolly looking woman. From the looks of her, she was a little loose on the head. My brother had asked me to keep watch outside the room but a commotion created by a customer had me distracted for a minute. When I went back up, I saw a hooded figure listening keenly. Immediately I grabbed him and threw him out but he jinxed me and escaped. The harm was already done…” Alberforth sighed.

“Who was it? The hooded figure?” Sirius asked.

“One of your class mates from school. Snape, I think it was his name.” Alberforth said.

Sirius saw red, the moment the name was out of his mouth. The rest of his conversation with Alberforth was a haze and even before he knew he was back at his home, without taking any of his detours, rage threatening to burst out of him. He was vaguely aware of Remus holding him down but he wanted to smash and break everything around him. It was only when he was shoved against the wall by Remus and he hit his head, did the roaring of blood against his ears died down to let him hear Remus properly.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Remus shouted.

“It was that fucking git. It was Snape.” Sirius fought him.

“Calm down” Remus asked pinning him up firmly.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” Sirius shouted.

“No you’re not.” Remus grinded his teeth and hissed. “Or did you forget what happened the last time you went after him.”

Sirius froze at Remus’s words as the chill of horror went down his spine, something he hadn’t felt in a few years. Remus’s hold on him loosened, presumably at the lack of Sirius’s movement. He couldn’t hear Remus, only his rotten heart beating in his ears and his vision narrowed in on Remus.

He shouldn’t have done it-he wouldn’t have but Snivellus had been nagging Remus for over six months now and every full moon he used to humiliate and make Remus uncomfortable at the Great Hall and in classes. He’d seen Remus curling up into himself, shutting the world out, not letting Sirius even touch him. He’d heard Remus cry himself to sleep and wake up with nightmares over and over from the confines of his bed because Remus had pushed and shoved him and had not let Sirius come near him. His grades had been slipping and even though he, James and Peter had told Slughorn and McGonagall to do something about it, there’d been no change in Snape’s behavior.

“Sirius.” He’s snapped back into the present. Remus was hunched over him, holding him by the shoulders. “Sirius?”

“Yeah.” He croaked.

“Breath.” Remus took a deep breath himself urging him to do the same.

He breathed deeply a few times but that did nothing to quench the rising panic in his throat or the anger in his brain. 

“Tell me what happened.” Remus pulled up a chair close to him and sat.

“The person who heard the prophecy and told Voldemort- It was Snape.” Sirius asked.

“How do you know?” Remus looked extraordinarily unsurprised.

“I just do.” Sirius said softly.

“You just do?” Remus repeated after him, thoughtful. “Couldn’t have just dawned on you.” Remus voice struck Sirius. Was he being cynical?

“After my shift, I went to the Hog’s Head just out of curiosity, hoping someone or even Alberforth might’ve known something. And he told me. It was Snape.” Sirius said, hoping he’d sounded convincing enough. He’d expected Remus to be surprised. He knew Remus wouldn’t react like he did but Remus barely even blinked or questioned it. The focus seemed more to be on how he knew rather that what he knew-like it was common knowledge for Remus..unless.. unless it was.. “But you already knew.” Sirius said so calmly that he surprised himself. It felt insanely wrong that Remus knew this and he didn’t.

“Dumbledore told me.” Remus looked away.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Sirius whispered.

“He told me not to. After all that happened in fifth year can you blame me for listening to him?” Remus pushed the chair back and started pacing. “You just said, you’d kill him. I knew this would be your reaction and so even I decided not to tell you.”

“Right.” Sirius looked down at his hands and nodded. “Who else knows?”

“Lily does. She’ll tell James when the time’s right.” Remus said softly. “He’ll react exactly the way you did.”

“And he’d be wrong?” Sirius hissed, angry now at how they could do this! “Lily is his wife, Remus. They’re under attack because of a fucking prophecy that the creep heard only half of and then went and told Voldemort. They could’ve died and you’re worried about how James and I will react? He’ll kill Snape for her or anyone who stands to hurt her. I would too for them and for you. I would die fo…”

“That is exactly the fucking problem.” Remus turned towards him and shot back. Sirius hadn’t noticed he’d also started pacing along with Remus. “You and James think that Lily and I are something both of you need to protect, need to die for. We can take care of ourselves. For fuck’s sake, all we want is you to live with us and fight with us, not for us. Most of my energy is expended in thinking what you will do and how you’ll react to an information. Will you get yourself killed or will you at least set aside your steamroller, gigantic emotions aside and just sit, listen, think and then react? It’s fucking tiring.”

As usual, he was the center of the fucking problem. The entire topic of discussion had shifted and Remus had started asking questions that were difficult for him to answer. “Alright.” He said finally. “I’ll do whatever you want. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Sirius I..” Remus started but Sirius had already walked into their bedroom to take a shower. It’d been a long fucking day and he just wanted to go off to sleep. Otherwise he might really go on a killing spree and kill Snape.

Sirius stood under the cold water thinking-he didn’t exactly want to focus on anything but muddled, jumbled broken pieces of memory, random conversations crept up in his brain after nasty arguments with Remus. All his self-loathing and abandonment issues resulting from years of humiliation in a toxic household seeped into his bloodstream from the memories in his brain. It started out as a dull aching pain at the base of his spine, that spread to his lungs and heart, chocking him, making him retch and gag because there wasn’t just enough air. It tingled and numbed his fingers and toes. He could physically feel the silence and separation he’d felt after the incident in fifth year-how James and Peter wouldn’t even look at him and Remus, Merlin Remus!!! He’d been so attuned to Remus’s presence, his touch, his smell that he’d never considered how it would feel to not have Remus around him. It felt like a limb had been amputated, his heart wrenched out, a lung and kidney missing. Half of him had been lost and all due to his own mistake. All of it was his fault. Remus had been almost made out to be a murderer because of him, a life had almost been lost because of him and James could’ve been killed. It was all his fault. All his fault. His mother’s voice whispered and shouted in his brain-how incompetent he was since he’d been born. Like his mother had said, maybe it would’ve been best if he’d never been born at all. Everyone would’ve been better off. His mother would’ve never been disappointed, Remus would’ve been better off without worrying about him. He didn’t want to be a burden…

A knock on the bathroom door broke his trance.

“You okay in there?” Remus asked from behind the door.

“Yes.” Sirius managed weakly. He was shivering and didn’t want Remus to know.

“You’ve been in there forever. You’ll get a cold.” Remus just said. There was silence and then a weak- “I’m sorry. Just come out, okay?”

Sirius closed off the tap and wrapped a towel around his hips and opened the door slightly. “I’m fine. Be out in a bit.”         

Remus bit his lower lip uncertainly and nodded. Sirius put on his pajamas and came out, water dripping down the lock on his back and shoulders. He sat on the edge of the bed opposite to Remus and lit up a cigarette. He heard Remus go and come out of the washroom before the bed dipped behind him and Remus started drying his hair out.

“I love you.” He whispered. “I just want to keep you safe. I want you to let me do that. It’s nothing you’ve not done for me a thousand time already.”

Sirius wanted to tell him that he’d never lied to him but had to bite back his words. He’d been lying to Remus for a while now. All to keep him safe. He sighed. Everything came back full circle, he guessed.

“I love you.” Remus repeated. “Unconditionally and irrevocably.” He bunched away Sirius’s locks to one side and kissed his back, and despite himself, Sirius couldn’t help the moan that escaped him. Remus’s chapped lips and stubble- from not shaving for four days- on his bare skin gave him goosebumps and he hung his head down but it felt heavy.

“I’m too tired.” He mumbled and stubbed out the half smoked cigarette.

“Come here then.” Remus pulled him up on the bed and as Sirius curled into a fetal position, Remus pulled him in close. “I love you, so much.”

Remus fell asleep instantly, his breath on Sirius’s shoulders-steady, his hand lying on Sirius’s chest and Sirius would’ve laughed at how Remus always fell asleep first but could feel the echo of his heart beating, quivering under Remus’s palm- in love but mostly in fear.

***       

“You have to tell me what happened last night.” Sirius said as he nibbled on a piece of toast.

Remus stood at the window with a cup of tea, looking outside into a morning blue fog.

“Just give me break, will you?” Remus says silently but it’s enough to surprise Sirius.

“Pardon me?” Sirius drops the toast on the plate.

“I just want a little bit of silence.” Remus replied.

As if enough of that hadn’t already been going around. They barely saw each other anymore and lately Remus had been so silent that it ate Sirius up. The full moon was ten days away and a part of Sirius knew what Remus was going to say when he decides to speak but he was worried and scared out of his mind that Remus might not tell him before leaving.

“I know what you’re gonna say. I just need to hear it?” Sirius whispered.

“Because nothing other than what you want matters!” Remus said exasperated and finally turned to look up at Sirius.  

“Remus you came back last night, heaving your guts out, then you tell me you’ve been at the headquarters and you apparated in-I know what it is, I just need to know if you’ll take it.” Sirius said finally, irritated at how Remus was behaving.

“Of course, I’m gonna bloody take it. I’ve been training for it for months. And I don’t need you to throw another tantrum about that.” Remus walked over and dumped his cold tea in the sink, brushing past Sirius. “I give you your space, just give me mine.”

“What is it? What have I done?” Sirius asked. This was about something more.

“You think I’m a fool? You disappear- you tell me you’re going for a walk and sometimes come back after two hours. Did I ever ask you why?” Remus sounded bitter.

“Remus there’s nothing I’m hiding here..If that’s what you’re implying.” Sirius felt physically sick about lying like this. But with the information he knew, he couldn’t risk telling Remus anything.

“I don’t know Sirius. Maybe you meet someone..”

“What..you think I’m cheating on you?”

“You said it.” Remus picked up his bag from where he had left it on the couch last night. “Maybe you go on an occasional rendezvous with Marlen. Merlin knows she’s been after you since fifth year.”

“Marlen? Where is this coming from? Do not walk out on me.” Sirius screamed as Remus unlocked the door to leave.

“Try and stop me.” Remus shouted as Sirius heard him disapparate with a pop.

He needed a moment to compose himself. He’d thought Remus might confront him with a lot of things but not about this. Remus was thinking that he was cheating on him? Where did that even come from? He hadn’t meet Marlen properly in month. Why would Remus even think he would be cheating on him with Marlen?

He sat down with a cup of coffee and tried to compose himself. He realized he had to come in terms with certain facts. They were in a war. Their training and all the late night and early morning patrols were building them up for much sterner things. He would eventually have to fight and he might have to face Regulus and attack him.

Remus would have to go back to Greyback and this wouldn’t be the last time either. Dumbledore wasn’t teaching him Legilimency for nothing. The Headmaster would use Remus as tool to gather information and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He would have to keep Remus locked up but Remus would literally kill him for doing so.

Sirius wished he could talk to James at times like these but James and Lily were living somewhere off the grid and under false identities. It’s been like that for a couple of weeks now.. He only left the house for training. He flooed directly to the Headquarters and from there he went to the Ministry and followed the opposite route back home. Lily had to leave her training to become a healer after the first month because of safety reasons and according to James her health had been deteriorating too in spite of all the potions the Healers had given her and being cooped up in the house all day further her depression. James had been worried sick and Sirius had no heart to tell him all that had been going on in his life. The long empty day ahead of him depressed Sirius. He would have to leave for the ministry training and patrol late in the afternoon. He hadn’t heard from Regulus in a while. How would he? Last time he’d left without deciding the date for the next meeting. Sirius had still visited Alberforth for the past two weeks on Thursdays but Regulus had been a no show. Day by day his panic grew but he knew how dangerous it would be to contact Regulus so he swallowed every doubt and fear and went about his daily job. That was until yesterday night when he’d woken up to Remus vomiting in the washroom. The moment Remus specifically said that he’d been at the Headquarters, Sirius knew he would have to go back to Greyback’s camp. Since then he found himself worried sick about all his friends and missing them awfully. Hiding what he knew about Snape from James seemed like an awful violation of trust but he knew James would be just as enraged as him and it might not be good for anyone. He, for now, would just have to rely on Lily to do the right thing.

He came back home after patrol to find Remus nursing a cup of tea in the dead middle of the night, a small duffel bag laying by his side. The room was scarcely lit with only a candle at the corner of the table but even then Sirius could see Remus’s face set in stone. If Sirius didn’t look hard enough, he couldn’t have said if Remus was breathing. He was clad in only his pajama, his eyes distant and unblinking like he’d passed beyond the world. The tea had gone cold long ago.

The bag? Was Remus going to leave? Was this about what he’d said about Marlen earlier? But it wasn’t true. Surely Remus must know that he’s incapable of loving anyone but Remus. He must know that. How can he not.... “Remus?” Sirius could barely speak against the growing lump in his throat.

Remus turned his head only slightly towards Sirius.

“What are you..?” Sirius was rooted to his spot. He couldn’t move, speak or even put his chaotic thoughts into words.  

“I didn’t..anything..with Marlen..There was..nothing.” The mere thought the Remus would leave him for that-something he hadn’t even imagined in his most insane dreams, something that wasn’t even true-unhinged him-made him a madman. He couldn’t be sane without Remus.

Remus looked at him finally and pulled together his brows in thought. Something shifted inside him and his eyes focused on Sirius. “I believe you.”

Sirius had to grab the chair in front if him to stop himself from falling face down on the floor. There were stars dancing in the field of his vision. He sat down on the chair and put his head down, his forehead touching the cold wood.

He heard Remus push his cup towards him and though he disliked tea, he took a gulp to satiate his dry throat. Immediately he sputtered it back in the cup splashing it all over the table. “What the fuck?” He pushed the cup aside forcefully. What he’d thought was tea was actually Vodka. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Remus didn’t say anything in reply and chose to maintain the same distant look that Sirius had come to hate.

“You know what?” Sirius said pushing back his chair and getting up. “I’m done with this. I’m done guessing what is wrong. You out of the blue accuse me of something bizarre and now..this..” He waved his hand frantically at Remus. “ This..this distance..I don’t know what to do or not too…just I’m done. Talk to me when you want to. I’m done guessing.” Sirius stalked off to their bedroom. As his adrenaline wore off he drank water and sat down to just clear his mind and think straight though thinking nothing was the most tempting option.

He must’ve dozed off because when he woke up the candle had burnt down and Remus wasn’t in bed-no surprizes there. He lit up another candle and padded out of the room to find Remus sitting by the widow, smoking.

“Sorry.” Remus whispered as Sirius navigated over to him in the dark. “I was being a jerk.”

“It’s alright.” Sirius said. He, as always, was about to beg Remus to talk to him about what was on his mind but Remus beat him to it.

“Dumbledore wants me to go back.” He whispered again.

Sirius nodded and looked at him. The slice of moon at their window washed everything with its light. Remus looked softer, saner in that light. Sirius had long believed that no matter how much Remus hated the moon for how he was connected to it, on days when it wasn’t full, it formed an essential part of Remus. It softened him in ways Sirius couldn’t quite explain but only feel. He looked younger-the soft shimmering silver glow smoothened out his frown lines, his amber hair almost white. Sirius fell in love over and over again with Remus in small moments like these but sometimes he almost wished he didn’t. That love threatened to consume and choke him because the thought of loosing Remus was too overwhelming. He really considered locking Remus up for a fraction of a second but then Remus spoke.

“I don’t wanna go.” He said softly, almost to himself. “But honestly something very primal in me knows he’s my creator. I didn’t know him before but now that I do-there’s this long dormant part of me that wants to go back. I resisted last time but if I do give in to this wolf in me, I can’t help but wonder, maybe I’ll be with my kind and won’t have to fear this side of me anymore.”

Sirius understood the sentiment. Remus wanted to belong. He couldn’t deny that even though they’d all turned animangi for him, they would never fully understand the pain-the physical and psychological changes he went through. Their transformations were painless and they kept their mind but Remus lost his mind completely when he turned. “Is it easy for them?”

Remus looked up at him with relief and gratitude. Maybe he’d expected a different reaction to his confession. “I think so.”

“Will you come back to me after?” Sirius didn’t know where this came from. Maybe it was the moon speckled night-he couldn’t remember the last time they’d been this honest with each other or maybe it was the possibility that Remus would be less in pain from something he couldn’t control and Sirius couldn’t help beyond a point- but Sirius didn’t get embarrassed at his own question.

Remus’s brow creased as he parted his lips to say something but then decided against it. Sirius feared he would freak out at the question or worse, maybe he’d say nothing or maybe he would say that he’d packed the bag because he didn’t plan on returning. Instead Remus got up and stood before him, cupping his face. Sirius melted in the warmth of Remus’s arms. Slowly Remus pulled him close and kissed him long and deep. Sirius hadn’t felt such love and tenderness in months. His moved him limp arms up to Remus’s hips and pulled him close- savoring how real and how connected he felt to Remus in that moment. When they broke off, desperate for air, their foreheads touching, Remus whispered, “ You are my home. I will always come back to you.”  

Chapter Text

Sirius kept himself busy over the next few days. He felt Remus’s absence acutely. The promise with which Remus had left, kept Sirius going during the day but at night he laid awake terrified-the sense of impending doom heavy on his mind. It made him physically sick and, on more nights than one, he’d ended up retching in the toilet in the dead middle of the night. Remus’s mission, as little as he’d divulged, involved Remus convincing Greyback that he would join his pack. Dumbledore was still teaching him Legilimency and he was forbidden to enter Greyback’s mind at all-which should, Sirius reasoned, keep Remus out of harm’s way for now. But there was a sick feeling that he carried around all day. Whether that was due to his continuous worrying about Remus or for something else he couldn’t say.

The news came one afternoon a couple of hours into their Auror training.

“Mr. Black.” Dumbledore’s voice boomed in the room. Everyone stopped and looked at him where he stood at the door. “A word.” He said as Sirius looked at him.

Sirius followed the headmaster out of the training room and was led into another unused room. He looked somber and gravely asked Sirius to sit down on a chair.

“There was a raid along the coast of the Norwegian sea. We had information that Voldemort was meeting the Giants to instigate them and attack muggle neighborhoods but something went awry. Alastor was there and, Sirius, I am deeply sorry but your brother was killed. Voldemort killed him...”

Sirius’s mind stopped working. It couldn’t be. Regulus wouldn’t be naïve enough to do something alone. But.. Was it because of him? Had Regulus lost faith in him because he’d wanted to use Number 12 without think about other ramifications? He’d been foolish enough to think that Regulus was out of harms ways because he was a death eater and now…No. There must’ve been a mistake. That couldn’t be. He couldn’t be dead.

“Sirius?...Mr. Black?” Dumbledore was standing right in front of him, the headmaster’s hand on his shoulders, blue eyes looking over half-moon spectacles. He looked..aggrieved, Sirius thought.

“Where is he?” Sirius asked. He wouldn’t believe Dumbledore until the professor had a dead body corroborating his claim.

“Sirius, Regulus..”

“I mean his dead body. Where is it?” Sirius snapped.

“It wasn’t recovered.” Dumbledore looked down. 

“Did you not recover it? So easy to leave..” Sirius asked, far too calmly.

“There wasn’t one.” Dumbledore turned away from him. “Alastor saw him being….Sirius, there was nothing left to recover.”

“So you don’t have a positive identification?” Sirius got up. “I will believe it when you have something to prove this.”

As he was about to leave, Dumbledore stopped him. “There’s more.”

Sirius stopped at that. What could be more? Remus? He stopped at the door. If it’s about Remus, It would be too much to bear.

“It’s your mother.” Dumbledore said.  

“My mother is already dead.” Sirius said. Thank Merlin it wasn’t about Remus.

“Walburga Black was found dead at an abandoned muggle warehouse not far from the coast yesterday night. Do you know what she might have been doing there?” Dumbledore asked.

Honestly, Sirius didn’t feel anything. Maybe he’d finally lost all his humanity. He nodded. He had no fucking clue as to what Walburga might’ve been doing there given her detest for all things muggle. “What do you want me to do?” He turned around to look at the headmaster.

“Nothing. I’m not capable of telling you what to do.” Dumbledore said. That was a first. “But, I’m curious as to why someone who is a devotee of the dark arts will be killed by Voldemort?”

“My family is convoluted and I don’t know how their mind works and nor do I want to know. If she’s dead, the world is a better place without her. Good riddance.” Sirius said.

“As the last living member of the family, the Ministry will require you to identify the body to issue their death certificates.” Dumbledore said.

“Let me know the date and time.” Sirius said and walked away without waiting for any further words from Dumbledore.

He walked out of the Ministry and bought a packet of cigarette from a small shop. He lit one and inhaled deeply before allowing himself to think. Regulus couldn’t be dead. He didn’t feel dead. He would know if Regulus was dead. They’d not seen eye to eye for quite a few years but he’d always loved Regulus with all his heart. Regulus had been his solace at Number 12 in every bloody party his family had ever hosted. His little brother had warned him when Andromeda had been blasted off, that a similar fate awaited him if he continued with his behavior. He’d, obviously, never been too good at heading warnings and finally he’d been blasted off in fifth year. Was he then the last Black of his family as Dumbledore had said? Hadn’t the Ancient House Of Black already been terminated if Regulus was dead?

A hand on his shoulder made him jump.

“It’s just me.” James pulled his hand away.

Sirius sighed. “Sorry.”

“Dumbledore told me.” James leaned against the wall beside him. “I’m so sorry.”

“He’s not dead.” Sirius said, threw his cigarette on the ground and crushed it under his boots.

“Moody saw..” James began but Sirius beat him to it. “ There’s no body. No proof of him being dead.”

James nodded. “And your mum.”

“For fucks sake, James, she’s not my mum! I don’t need to tell you that.” Sirius said exasperated.

“Let’s go back to my place tonight.” James said after a beat of silence. Sirius was glad for the change of topic but it lasted only a moment before he realized what James was saying.

“You know I can’t.” Sirius said.

“I’m not asking.” James said with a tone of finality. “ You’re coming. Peter will be here later today. We’ll take home some food and we’ll be together.”

“Dumbledore will have my head if I risk this.” Sirius said. As tempting as the offer was, he would never forgive himself if something went wrong. So many fucking things could go wrong.

“Fuck him. Okay?” James said surprising Sirius. He held Dumbledore on a pedestal and seldom spoke ill of him though he was never blind to the headmaster’s manipulation.

“James, I don’t need this babysitting. Definitely not at the cost of your safety.” Sirius said and made to get away but James held him in a strong grip.

“I need it, okay? Lily needs it.” James said. “ Do it for us. She’s been going crazy-cooped up all day and so have I. Things are getting..difficult.” James said. “Please.”

Sirius knew it would be the end of the conversation. James had played the ultimate card. He’d turned the situation to make it sound like they needed him instead of it being the other way around. There was no way he was getting out of it.    

Later that evening Peter joined them and they went to a muggle pub a few blocks from the Ministry. James ordered them some fried chicken and whiskey. Sirius barely noticed the racket in the pub. He picked on his food and managed to get some down on James’s insistence and then finished his whisky in a gulp.

“Where’ve you been Peter?” James asked. “Haven’t seen you in weeks mate.”

“Just been busy running errands for Dumbledore.” Peter said vaguely. Sirius didn’t particularly care. Everyone was vague these days. “Sorry about your family Sirius. I heard.”

“It’s okay.” Sirius said quietly. At least Peter didn’t call that woman his mum.

“So Wormy, we’re going back to my place tonight. Wanna join?” James whispered.

Peter’s eyes went wide in surprise. “You’re supposed to be in hiding.”

“My thoughts exactly.” Sirius said picking on a stray piece of oily food on the table.

“Fuck that.” James said and rolled his eyes.

“What? Sirius, you don’t know where he’s been living?” Peter asked surprised.

“Why the fuck would I know? Dumbledore doesn’t want anyone to know and here he’s taking us back to his house.” Sirius said. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how bad the idea was.

“Fuck that shit.” James said. “You people are my family. I know you’d never do anything to hurt us. Why would I hide from you?”

“Last time Peter went to check on you, he was tailed. Remember?” Sirius said and got up. He had to use the washroom.

“ I wasn’t tailed.” Peter quipped in and simultaneously James said, “It wasn’t his fault.”

“I’m not saying it was anyone’s fault. I’m just saying there’s a risk.” Sirius didn’t wait for a reply and walked to the back of the pub to the restroom. It was dimly lit and the thudding of music against the walls matched his pulsating headache. He took a leak and splashed water over his face. As he looked into the mirror, he saw the face of his brother staring back and instinctively recoiled.

Fuck.

He came to his senses as he hit his head in the back wall of the matchbox washroom. His brother wasn’t dead. Why the fuck was he hallucinating him?

“James, thanks for this..everything…” Sirius said as he reached their table. “But I shouldn’t go with you in this state.”

“You’ve had one drink.” James insisted.

“I don’t mean the drink.” Sirius had never felt more sober his entire life. “I mean me. In this state.” Sirius sighed and pulled back at his hair. “It’s too toxic…for the baby, for Lily.”

“Peter left. His mum’s sick.” James said and gathered his court. Sirius lit up a cigarette as they exited the pub and started walking on the streets aimlessly. Sirius appreciated the silent walk. It gave him time to feel something physically without overthinking stuff. They stopped at a small Chinese open restaurant where James ordered food and Sirius tried to put his surroundings on mute and just observe. But the street was bustling with people returning from work. So he looked at where the food was being prepared. The way chefs cook on the large frying pan being continuously heated on the stove always fascinated him. He marveled at how skillfully they chopped the ginger, garlic and spring onions within seconds; the way the vegetables sizzled on the hot oil of the pan; the smell of garlic always so fresh and strong-it made him realize he was hungry; he hadn’t eaten properly in days. As James was handed his order, they made their way out of the main street and walked on more secluded roads silently.      

“Come here.” Even before Sirius had time to register, James suddenly yanked him into a dim alley which smelt strongly of stale garlic and onions. He felt his innards churn as his vision shifted and twisted before they landed in front of something that Sirius recognized as a large black door. He almost threw up his food and swayed on his feet but James was holding him tight.

“You bloody idiot.” Sirius sighed as he heard numerous clicks on the door caused by James tapping his wand on the wood.

The inside was lit with candles casting a golden glow all across the grey stone walls. It smelled like cold stone and as soon as Sirius stepped inside, he could feel the ancient magic in his veins. It wasn’t dark magic but eerie none the less. Their couch and the dining table seemed scarce in the huge room but it was warm which was more than Sirius could ask for at the moment.

“James?” Lily came out from a door wearing one of James’s hoddies and sweatpants. “Sirius!” She immediately threw herself at Sirius and pulled him in a hug. “Jesus I’ve missed you all. Where’s Remus and Peter?”

“I’ll get you a cup of coffee.” James sighed. “Fill her in?”

“Fill me in on what?” Lily asked concerned. “Is someone..?”

“Let’s sit.” Sirius pulled her over to the couch. She sat down crossed legged, facing him and looked at him with a mixture of concern and curiosity.

“Peter was at the Ministry today. James asked him to come but his mum’s sick. Remus...Dumbledore sent him back to Greyback to try and persuade the wolves to be on our side.” Sirius looked down at his hand as they lay uselessly on his lap.

“ And he went?” Lily asked angrily.

“You know him. He feels like he owes Dumbledore everything. He’ll do whatever he says.” Sirius sighed. He couldn’t believe this was the easier part to talk about.

“I bloody hate him. I don’t know how or why great men think they can do such shit and get away with it?” Lily said. “ I feel so helpless, stuck in here every day while you risk your lives for us..”

“No..Lily, No.” Sirius took her hands in his. “You have a kid to think about now. You know James saved us, right? It’s time we protect your and his child.”

“Sirius.” He pulled Lily in and kissed her on her forehead.

James came back with two hot cups of coffee for himself and Sirius along with hot-chocolate for Lily. As they took a few sips in silence, Sirius cleared his throat to tell Lily the rest of it.

“What?” Lily was extremely perceptive. It surprised Sirius that it took her this long to realize that there was more.   

“His mum..” James started and corrected himself as Sirius glared at him over his coffee cup. “His biological mother died.”

Lily gasped and looked at Sirius, horrified, as her green eyes glazed over. “ Sirius, I’m…”

“Regulus too.” Sirius added without waiting any further and somehow saying it out loud, to Lily who looked horror stricken with tears already running down her face, made everything seem more real. “At least that’s what Moody thinks.”

Lily pulled him close and hugged him, shuddering with every breath as she cried into his shoulders. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Lily.” Sirius rubbed her back gently. He couldn’t feel much. Just a hollow where his chest used to be, maybe.

As Lily composed herself, James suggested that they should eat. “It’s getting late. We’ve all had a long day. Maybe end it, eh?”

Lily set up the plates and laid out the food as James brought out a couple pillows and a blanket. “There’s just one bed.” James said guiltily. “We can transfigure something or..”

“The couch is fine, Prongs.” Sirius sighed. “It’s more than enough.”

“We’re safe here. Okay?” James said as Sirius looked around. Other than the grey walls and ancient magic, he hadn’t noticed much.

“What is this place?” Sirius asked looking around.

“Magical safe house.” James said. “It’s like Hogwarts. Muggles from the outside see it as an ancient ruin, dilapidated, ‘Dangerous. Do not cross the border.’ that sort of thing.”

“And from Voldemort?” Sirius asked. “Is it hidden?”

“Yes. Dumbledore cast some spells.” James said. “For now, we’re safe.”

As Sirius lay in the dark that night, sleep eluding him, his mind wandered off to the last time he’d met Regulus. Sirius couldn’t stop the guilt that crept into his mind about how he’d pitched in the idea of James and Lily staying at Number 12 without actually asking for permission. As Regulus had told him that he wasn’t living there anymore, he hadn’t cared about Walburga but he hadn’t considered how any wrong involvement of the House could jeopardize his brother. Maybe Regulus had really given up on him, lost hope and in an attempt to do something right, gotten killed.

What if Regulus really was dead?

Sirius was so convinced that he’d know if his brother died, he hadn’t processed the information of his death at all. They were bonded by magic, same blood and magic ran in their veins. Surely the severance of such a link would make him feel something.

But what if he didn’t? What if Voldemort had killed him, blasted him off so that nothing of him remained?

He couldn’t breath and suddenly he was standing on a cold, white beach, the wind howling in his ears as Voldemort laughed maniacally, eyes gleaming in madness as he held his wand up, pointed at Regulus who was hunched on the ground,convulsing in pain. He couldn’t hear Voldemort but he could hear his brother groaning in pain and he gritted his teeth. He wouldn’t give Voldemort the satisfaction of hearing him scream. But Voldemort continued his torture and soon Regulus was on the sand, curled up, blood dripping from his nose and mouth, staining it crimson.

“Brother..” Regulus’s voice was faint.

Why was he just standing? Why wasn’t he running and saving his baby brother? But he couldn’t move and without warning he saw red, the taste of metal in his mouth.

“No! No!...No!!” He screamed.

“Sirius. Sirius. Wake up. It’s a dream…..”

Sirius felt cold water on his face and sat up, disoriented about his surroundings. “Regulus? James..Where is he? Regulus?”

“Sirius. Sirius look at me.” James held his head in his hands and forced Sirius to look at him. “You’re safe.”

“Regulus. He..Reg..?” Sirius could feel the crushing weight of information fall on him.

“He’s dead.” James whispered but didn’t look away. “You are at my place. You’re safe.”

Dead. Sirius couldn’t process it. “It can’t be James. Mum and Dad are dead and they aren’t coming back. They didn’t come back. Regulus can’t be dead.”

“Padfoot.” James held his neck as Sirius threw his head back, a silent wail tearing through him. He could only see Regulus curled on the sand calling him and he couldn’t save him. This was all too much. He couldn’t be losing so much together. His brother was dead. He’d come over to their side. He was fighting against Voldemort and he was dead. It was all his fault. He should’ve never hidden anything from his friends, from Remus, from Dumbledore. Dumbledore could’ve protected Regulus where he’d failed fantastically.

James held him close as he heaved great sobs. Eventually Lily sat beside him and ran her hands all over his back and hair. She whispered things Sirius didn’t care to pick up but he knew they were charms to calm him down. Eventually he found himself breathing properly.

“You’re okay.” James was whispering quietly into his ears.

“Yeah.” He managed weakly and James pulled away to look at him. “I’m sorry.” Sirius whispered.

“No. We’re here Sirius. Always.” Lily said. She was sitting behind him and leaned on his back. “We love you.”

Sirius felt fresh tears forming in his eyes, “I know.” Sirius said before James could see him tearing up again. “ James, Lily go off to sleep. I’m fine.”

“I’m staying.” James said. “Will you be okay, love?” He asked Lily as she got off the couch.

“Yup.” She pecked James on the cheek. “ See you two in the morning.”

“James, be with your wife. I’ll be fine.” Sirius protested. He didn’t want to intrude on their personal lives.

“Shut up you idiot.” James said making himself comfortable on the couch. “Just lie down. You look like you’ll pass out any second.”   

Sirius couldn’t deny he’d been feeling giddy. So without any further protests he lay down beside James and fell asleep instantly.

***

“Where’s James?” Sirius asked when Lily woke him up next.

“He went for training. And then he has patrols with Frank.” Lily said as she placed a cup of coffee on the table in front.

“Fuck. What’s the time? Sirius asked looking for his wrist watch. He felt disoriented, tired and dizzy.

“Relax.” Lily sat down on the couch near his stomach and touched her palm to his forehead. “You’ve got a fever.”

“It’s nothing. Just give me a portion or something.” Sirius sat up but he could feel the effort it took him.

“You’re not going anywhere today. James will tell Dumbledore and Puerce.” Lily handed him a cup of coffee. “Drink up. I’ll give you the potion after.”

Sirius sighed. “Thank you.” He took Lily’s hand in his. “Shouldn’t we be looking after you?” Sirius looked at her growing belly.

“You are. Everyday.” Lily smiled. “You want to feel him kick?”

Sirius smiled. Lily took his hand and kept it in her stomach and after a few seconds, Sirius felt a nudge-harder than the last time. “Growing stronger.” He giggled.

“Sirius, I..I don’t know how to..” Lily struggled. She thought to herself for a while and then began again. “We haven’t been together for several months now. Since the pregnancy and the prophecy, everything’s been haywire and James and I feel awful that he can’t be there on the full moons and I’ve told him to go on several occasions but…”

“Lily. Lily.” Sirius sighed. “Listen. I’ve spoken to James about this. It’s all right. Don’t worry about it. Nothing is more important than the child and you.”

“But..Moony harms himself less when the pack is there, right?” Lily asked.

“He’s not here Lily.” Sirius said. He sounded more melancholic than he felt, honestly.

“This month. But he’s gonna come back and there’ll be a next month and a next after that..We can’t keep hiding like this. Its driving me nuts.” Lily pulled back her hair and huffed.

Sirius wondered if Remus would come back or spend the next full moons with him. He’d said, before leaving, that being with his kind, made the whole thing easier.

“Lily, listen.” Sirius cut off other thoughts in his head. “James took me in when I had nowhere else to go. He encouraged us all to become animagus and he accepted us, Remus and I, as we are. So did you. You’ve done enough. We couldn’t ask for more. Let us do this okay? I want to do right by one brother at least.”

“Sirius, You didn’t..” Lily said but stopped. “It wasn’t your fault. You haven’t spoken in years. How could you know?”

Sirius looked at her green eyes and for a second was tempted to come clean. Regulus had ultimately done the right. If he’s really dead, doesn’t he deserve to be in the good books? But the nagging feeling that told him there was more to the story, made him keep his mouth shut. “ I don’t think he’s dead.” Sirius said instead and looked away when Lily looked at him, surprised.

“Elaborate.” She said innocently.

Sirius stayed silent briefly. “I..I just think, I’ll know if he’s dead, you know? Feel the change in magic in my blood. It’s stupid, insane actually but I honestly don’t think he’s dead. Injured maybe, but not dead. I’ve had this lingering feeling that something’s gonna go wrong but I thought it was for Remus and now I know this and I just know it was this and not Remus that bothered me. Remus is okay. But Regulus, he’s…He’s not dead.”

Lily looked at him, mouth slightly open in an O, brows furrowed. “It’s not stupid. There’s magic we don’t understand.”

Sirius nodded. But how would he know if he’s right? Will he just wait for Regulus to show up? Look for signs? Try and contact him? And on que Lily said, “There’s something... I’ll show you.” She handed Sirius the cup of coffee. “Drink. I’ll be back.”

Sirius hadn’t paid much notice to his surroundings last night. Now he saw that the place looked like an ancient castle. The ceiling was dome shaped, high up, with stained glasses that let in sunlight and colorfully decorated walls where the glass ended. Light flooded in once Lily removed the curtains. The rose window overlooking the couch was made of stained glass as well with spokes radiating from the center. Sirius marveled at the beauty. The floor was cold against his fevered feet and Lily helped him to a pair of slippers and one of James’s cardigans.

“It used to be a muggle church and magic library. It was destroyed by Grindelwald in 1940.” Lily said and handed him a vial of clear liquid.  

Sirius emptied the vial in one gulp and padded over to the circular window and looked out. There were scarce settlements as far as Sirius could see. Tall grasses covered the ground around the castle they were in. “Aren’t these people curious about this supposedly inaccessible ruin in their midst?” He asked. Muggles were, after all, curious creatures.

“They think it’s haunted. Witches had been burnt here at the stakes in the mid-1400s and then apparently Vampires were rampant here until the 1800 and then Grindelwald burnt it down in 1940. People know to stay away.” Lily muttered as Sirius heard a thud and turned to see a huge book that Lily had deposited on the floor.

“Why?” Sirius asked absentmindedly.

“Why what?” Lily asked going through the contents of the book very carefully.

“Why did Grindelwald attack this place. It was a wizard library what could he’ve possibly been looking for?” Sirius sat down on the ground in front of Lily.

“I don’t know.” Lily frowned. “Ah ha!” She exclaimed and quickly turned the pages. “Connexion Spirituelle”

“Spirit Connection?” Sirius asked.

“You know French?” Lily asked, surprised.

“And Latin.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “ Ancient House of Black and all..”

“Oh. Okay. So, yes. Spirit connection.” Lily cleared her throat. “Now technically this has to be cast on participating parties physically present for it to work later over long distances. And this-Connecter le sand et L’esprit-is supposed to work for people connected by blood but it doesn’t mention how it has to be cast. We just have the incantation.”

“Why are the spells names so literally?” Sirius frowned.

“This is ancient magic. It’s not text book material and when these were written French was a newly formed language, for the elite and so on..” Lily said.

“So, what now?” Sirius asked biting his lips.

“You can try reaching out to Regulus but even without instructions, for it to work, Regulus, if alive, has to keep his mind open to receive you.”

“How? He doesn’t even know I’m looking for him.” Sirius asked. Lily nodded her head and Sirius understood. “Oh.” So there was no possible way to connect to or find his brother. Even if Regulus were alive, he would take every precaution to shield his mind from the world. It would never work. “Isn’t there, like, some spell that can locate him? Stuff that Remus reads in folklore or blood magic?”

“It’s a myth. Stuff like that doesn’t just happen. Even if there is, it’s ancient magic. Too strong, maybe dark. I don’t know.” Lily sighed.

“The Ministry uses trace on us, right, till we’re seventeen?”

“Yeah.” Lily said uncertainly.

“That’s tracing magic. We made the map and we could trace everyone. I mean I know that’s different…But..” Sirius pulled his hair back in frustration. What was the point of being a wizard if he couldn’t do what was necessary? They used the magic in Hogwarts’s walls to trace people and connected that magic to the map-replicated it and created a mystical connection. The castle was the anchor. For Regulus there was none. “..but the trace of the ministry?”

“I don’t know how that works or how it’s cast, if it’s cast or if it’s a blood inherited thing. I don’t know.”

“Right.” Sirius nodded, hanging his head and massaging his neck. A throbbing pain was starting to creep up his back.

“You can keep the book. Maybe when Remus comes back you can at least use the first one between you two. It might help when you’re alone..afterwards.” Lily said.

Sirius sighed and laughed bitterly. He was fighting a losing battle.

***           

Sirius woke up on the morning of the full moon, restless. He’d half hoped to find Remus on the other side of the bed but it was cold. He had to leave for training in an hour and later he had to patrol Hogsmeade with Fabian. He was distracted and Moody shouted expletives at him all day. James looked at him concerned and even Peter seem out of it. Sirius couldn’t keep his mind straight. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was still going wrong and that there was nothing he could do to stop it, scared him to the point of driving him crazy.

“Padfoot.” James called as he was smoking a cigarette in the men’s’ room during break from training. He walked up to Sirius and stood beside him. “Any word from Moony?”

Sirius nodded his head taking a deep drag. Anything to keep from talking too much.

“Listen I was thinking..we could grab a beer later..”

“Prongs, I appreciate it.” Sirius cut him off. “I really do. But I can’t…I..today’s..”

“The full moon. I know.”

Sirius nodded. He remembered.

“I do keep track.” James smiled ruefully. “And I know that you’ll go home and just be alone and alone isn’t really good for you.”

“James, I….” Sirius didn’t know what to say. A part of him was glad he’d not have to stay alone but another part just wanted to go home pass out with a bottle of firewhiskey.

“You don’t really have to be so alone.” James said and patted him on the back.

Sirius sighed and gave in. “Okay.”

As they were about to leave the Ministry, a strange alarm went off.

“The fuck?” James and Sirius looked around to see what was wrong.

A booming voice announce all the Aurors to gather in their training section immediately. Suddenly the Ministry burst into activity. James and Sirius dodged their way back into their training room with almost fifty other people.

“An attack has been launched by You Know Who in Lake District.” Moody announced.

“Fuck. Lily.” James pushed around the crowd. Sirius followed.

“…reason is unknown. But be prepared. We do not know the cavalry present…” Moody was saying but Sirius’s mind was working overtime. Was James’s hiding place in Lake District?

“James..” Sirius pushed through and saw James talking animatedly to Dumbledore.

“You’re going as well.” Dumbledore told Sirius. “Keep him in check.” He pointed James to Sirius.

“James is it..?” Sirius asked.

“Yes. We’ve been staying in Millom.” James said. “Shit this is close. If Lily leaves for some reason..”

Sirius didn’t want to consider the possibility.

They apparated along with twenty other Aurors, most of whom Sirius didn’t know, amidst fire raging around them. Sirius just had one thing in mind-not letting James out of sight. He guessed James would automatically run towards the church but they were cut off by a death eater.

“Well well. The Dark Lord will be pleased.” The voice said and held his wand to his arms.

“Expelliarmus.” Sirius hit him but the damage had been done. Merlin! And over the next few seconds as James and he dodged spells, Voldemort apparated in front of them.

“Hello again.” Voldemort hissed. Sirius had never met him face to face before. He looked as ugly and cold as the rumors said. With pale white skin and stone cold eyes. “James Potter and Sirius Black. Thick as thieves, I have heard.”

“What do you want?” Sirius asked. He dared to guess if he could cast one of the unforgivable curses on him. He’d seen his mother use the Cruciatis on him. He should be able to do it.

“I like how you think, Sirius Black.” Voldemort hissed. “Crucio.”

Even before Sirius could process what was going on, blind hot searing pain ripped through him. He felt like he was being skinned alive, hot knives peeling him inch by inch and his head exploded in pain. He lost touch of where he was as his vision darkened.

“Let him go.” He heard James shout. He was seeing everything upside down and realized he was on the ground body bent strangely.

“I told you, if you and your pretty little girl don’t join me this is only going to get worse.” Voldemort hissed.

“No.” Sirius coughed and tried to get up. His body ached in ways he’d forgotten.

“Tough ones aren’t you? The Black brothers.” Voldemort laughed cruelly. “I had to end your brother quickly but with you, I am going to take time.”

No, Regulus! Sirius wanted to give up and fall down crying. He really was dead. “What do you want?” Sirius gritted his teeth. James was held down by one of the death eaters. Don’t think. He told himself, don’t bloody think. 

“Pain.” Voldemort looked surprised. “You mourn your brother.” Sirius tried keeping his mind blank. He had to block him. He couldn’t let him see inside his mind. “He hated you. Venomously.”

“Avada Kedavra” Sirius shouted but Voldemort deflected it.

“You insolent boy.” He hissed and shouted, “Crucio.”

Sirius felt on the ground, the pain unimaginable, screaming like he’d never screamed in his life.

“What should your punishment be?” He heard Voldemort say as he came about. “Sirius Black. Get up.” Sirius tried but failed, succeeding in the third attempt. “Loving, caring makes you week. Let me show you.”

“Let him go. It’s me you want.” James shouted.

“I want you both, really. The Potters and the Black joining me..” Voldemort laughed. “But him,” Voldemort pointed at Sirius. “I’ve always wanted him. The outcast of the Black house. I’ve always been intrigued. I can kill you and show him that all he cares about is lost. I can give him power beyond imagination.”

“No.” Sirius shouted. “You can have me. Let him go.” 

Voldemort pointed his wand at James. “Join me and I might let him live.”

“No, Sirius. No.” James looked at him. “Don’t listen to him.”

“Last chance Sirius Black.” Voldemort shouted.

Sirius didn’t know what happened after. He heard Moody’s voice and saw Voldemort was going to use the killing curse on James but James was looking at. He jumped towards James and the next thing he knew, he was withering with pain searing down his left side.

“Merlin. Fuck.” James was above him, screaming. “Sirius. Stay with me.” James’s alive. Thank Merlin.

***

Sirius’s head throbbed in pain. It was in incessant drum- beating, blood throbbing in his ears; moving his eye lids hurt. There were loud noises around him, things falling, glass breaking and his whole body ached.

“This is gonna hurt.”

Oh Merlin. Fuck. It really hurt!!!

He was burning.

This had to be hell.

***

There were hushed whispers around him-scattered conversations he could hear but couldn’t make any sense of. He realized he was drifting in and out of consciousness. When he looked around a couple of times, he could make out James sitting beside him. But his vision was too blurry and even before he could speak, he’d already drifted off again.

When his vision finally cleared, he saw Remus’s shaggy hair, his hands nestling his head on the bed.

“Re..” Sirius raised his palm to touch Remus’s hair but it fell awkwardly on his head making Remus jump.

“Sirius?” He looked up and in an instant was sitting beside him on the bed.

“You came back.” Sirius rasped. His throat was dry, tongue- sand-paper in his mouth.

Remus positively looked like he’d start crying any second. “I promised, didn’t I?”

“Is James okay?” Sirius asked, suddenly remembering the incidents of the evening. “Remus, is James okay?” Sirius panicked and pushed himself up on the bed, regretting it immediately. His vision darkened as he saw colours popping up in his vision. Remus caught him as he fought off the sudden wave of nausea that swept through him.

“He’s fine, Padfoot. For God sake, lie down.” Remus held his neck and gently lay him back down. “It’s four in the morning. He’s sleeping.”

“Wait..what?” Sirius struggled to put together the missing pieces. The attack was on a full moon evening. There was no way Remus could be here.

“You’ve been out for a couple of days.” Remus whispered. “I got here last night.”

“Oh” Sirius looked at Remus but couldn’t make out much in the dim light of the room. He reached out to touch Remus’s face and pulled him in for a kiss.

Remus only brushed his lips against Sirius’s. “I was so scared.” He sighed.

Join the club-Sirius was tempted to say but sighed and said, “I know. I was scared too.”

Remus sat down beside him and took Sirius’s hand in his, kissing his knuckles one by one. Sirius sighed and wanted to drift off to sleep again. But how could he? Remus was here and one single week away had felt like and entire lifetime.

“Light up a few more candles.” Sirius whispered. It was too dark and he couldn’t see Remus’s face properly. He had to know if Remus had been hurt by Greyback or otherwise. Asking him would be pointless-Remus would just say he’s fine and Sirius had to be able to see Remus properly to know if it was indeed the truth.

Wordlessly, Remus lit up a couple candles by the bed and to Sirius’s consternation, Remus was completely unhurt. There wasn’t a scratch on his face and his eyes weren’t haunted the way they usually were after a full moon. “You’re okay.” Sirius said, he was sure, Remus was okay. There was no need to ask.

“I am.” Remus whispered, looking down. “Nothing’s broken, no injuries, just the usual aching bones..”

Sirius felt utter joy and trepidation like he’d never felt before. All his life he’d wished for Remus’s transformations to be painless and it hadn’t been granted till now but Sirius couldn’t help but feel a tremendous sense of loss, like some vital part of him had suddenly been yanked away from him. “I am..so happy.” He managed to say when he realized he’d been staring at Remus’s face in utter bewilderment.

“Yeah.” Remus weakly nodded.

“Can you give me a glass of..” Sirius asked but Remus beat him to it. “Yes, water. I will get it.” He poured Sirius a glass and helped him sit up. “Slowly.” He said as Sirius took large gulps to quench his thirst aggravated by his suddenly thumping heart.    

“Sirius, I…” Remus kept away the glass and was now sitting in front of Sirius with a troubled expression.

“Yes?” Sirius didn’t want to lie down. Despite the screaming protests of his body, he kept sitting and only leaned into Remus, keeping his head on Remus’s shoulders. Remus kept quiet and caressed his hair, tucking his hair behind his ears in repetitive patterns and skimmed his fingers over Sirius’s bare arms and back. It gave Sirius goosebumps and he shivered.

“You’re cold?” Remus whispered into his ears.

“No.” Sirius protested. “Please don’t stop.” The dog in Sirius wanted to be petted and loved. He’d been devoid of Remus’s touch for so long, it felt harrowingly fragile and rare. Remus ran his finger over a particularly tender contour over his left shoulder and he gasped at the expectation of pain.

“You jumped to save James’s life and he did the best he could, given the situation. He disapparated the moment you touched him but you got splinched. He’d appareted close enough to carry you in through the church door and Lily gave you Essence of Dittany. Thank Merlin she had it.” Remus said, voice shaking. “ He’s been by you for the past two days. Finally Lily pulled him to sleep a couple of hours ago.”

“It’s okay.” Sirius assure him. “I’m alive.” And Regulus is dead. The sudden striking of the thought made him slump on Remus.

“Padfoot?” Remus held him close.

“Reg he…” The words got stuck in his throat. ‘I had to end your brother quickly..’ Voldemort’s cruel laughter rang in his ears.

“Shh…I know.” Remus whispered. Sirius assumed James had told him. At least he wouldn’t have to speak out the words again. He didn’t think he’ll ever be able to repeat those words to anyone again. It was all too much, gut wrenching, heart shattering and he’ll never be able to even breath without his heart aching all the fucking time. He’d hoped that despite their differences, Regulus and he shared a bond that ran deeper than petty differences. But there was no bond-his brother had been blasted off into pieces and he hadn’t felt a thing. He didn’t even have the energy to cry but the heaviness in his chest wouldn’t subside. Involuntarily he whimpered pressing himself closer to Remus. Remus held him tightly as he shuddered but despite everything, Sirius noticed how Remus smelt different. Something had fundamentally shifted in him and Sirius hoped that in the midst of it all, he hadn’t started again on the path of losing someone else.

***

Sirius squinted as the door creaked giving way to a shaft of sunlight in the dark room. It was James, peeping in. “Hey.” He whispered.

“Hey. Come on.” Sirius whispered. James deliberated possibly because both he and Remus were entangled under covers and Remus was soundly sleeping, snoring softly into Sirius chest. “It’s okay. He won’t wake.”

James tiptoed inside and into the empty chair by the bed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have..”

“James..”

“No, Sirius.” James sternly whispered. “Just let me say this okay?”

“But there’s..”

“Padfoot..”

“Okay.” Sirius yielded.

“I should have stopped you from coming and I should’ve been smarter about how we dealt with the situation and maybe you wouldn’t have been crucioed and fuck me that I splinched you. I’m so terribly sorry.” James sighed and looked at him. It broke Sirius heart to see that James considered the entire situation his fault.

“You saved me.” Sirius said. “Splinching is better than being dead.”

“How hard did you hit your head?” James sighed miserably. “ I got distracted and that dead eater held me down. Voldemort was going to use the killing curse on me and you jumped in front me…” He choked. “You could’ve..”

“But I wasn’t.” Sirius said a tad bit louder and Remus stirred. “ What would’ve I told Lily if I hadn’t done absolutely everything in my power to save you?” He lowered his voice.

“What would I have told Remus?” James asked, exasperated.

“You have a kid on the way. Not me and we’re adults, capable of making these choices. Your child will not be left fatherless. Remus can live without me.” Sirius said. How could James be so thick.

“Padfoot don’t be..” James’s words died as he looked away from Sirius and at Remus.

Sirius turned his head just in time to see Remus mask his emotions behind stone cold eyes-their colour changing from molten amber to a dull brown. “Rem I..”

Remus yanked his arm away from Sirius’s, got off the bed and disappeared behind the wooden door, closing it shut with a loud thud and leaving them in darkness.

James lit up a candle beside the bed. “Sorry..”

“I didn’t mean it like that..” Sirius pressed down his forehead with his fingers. His headache was getting worse. “What time is it?”

“It’s around seven.” James said and got up. “I should go check on Remus and I’ll get you something for the headache and some food, yeah?”

Sirius nodded.

“Hey James?” Sirius called back when as he opened the door. James turned around. “He loves you.”

“I know that.” James closed the door and turned back at Sirius. “We would all die for each other and that’s the easy part. Being left alive after would be the real hell.”

***

“Andromeda was called to identify Mrs. Black’s body.” Lily said as she handed Sirius a warm cup of hot chocolate. “You were out so Dumbledore convinced the Ministry to call her for the formalities and James didn’t say anything because..”

“Yeah. I’m glad actually.” Sirius rasped out. Remus had been gone an hour and Sirius missed him so much so that separation felt like a physical being weighing down on him.

“James followed Remus out because the spell boundaries aren’t known to him and it would be a problem if Remus accidently steps out. You never know who’s watching.” Lily said, looking at Sirius and worrying her bottom lip between his teeth. “Thank you.” She finally said.

Sirius sighed. He didn’t have the energy to talk about that particular topic anymore so he nodded his head, yawning. He didn’t remember feeling so tired. All his bones screamed for rest, head throbbed, eyes hurt-hell he didn’t even have the energy to pick up the mug of hot chocolate and take a sip or to even sit. He felt numb from pain below his waist. But he couldn’t sleep without talking to Remus or without having him by his side now. What if he woke up to find him gone?

“Sirius.” Lily touched his arm gently snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Yes?”

“You’re trembling.” Lily got another blanket from the cupboard and placed it on Sirius. “Drink it and lie down.”

Sirius took a sip and warmth spread out to his extremities. He sighed and took another sip and soon the whole of it was gone.

“Do you want some more?” Lily giggled as Sirius smiled sheepishly.

“I can go out to the kitchen with you.” Sirius said. No, he couldn’t. He could barely move but remaining confined to the bed was getting depressing.

“I can’t exactly pick you up.” Lily pointed to her belly.

“I know.” Sirius chuckled. He swung out his legs slowly and waited for his muscles to allow and accommodate movement. Merlin! He’d almost forgotten what a Cruciatis did to the bones. Eventually he got up and Lily offered him her hand and they walked out to the space they’d arranged as a living room where Sirius had slept on the couch a few nights before. Sirius sat down on the couch heavily, panting for breath and Lily got him another cup of hot-chocolate.

“Andromeda told Dumbledore that she wants to see you.” Lily said taking a sip from her mug of tea.

“Why?” Sirius asked. Though Andromeda, Uncle Alphard and he had been close when he was still at Number 12, they’d been out of touch since she’d been blasted off for marrying Ted Tonks. Uncle Alphard had died shortly after. Sirius only knew that the couple had a daughter named Nymphadora. Being blasted off the family tapestry hadn’t taken away the family naming tradition. As far as he knew, they had either run off to a different country or hid themselves so well that they were untouched by the war. Sirius envied them, honestly. What wouldn’t he give to hide his family away!

“For the funeral, perhaps.” Lily sighed. “You’re so lost in your head.” She looked at him sadly.

“Hun?” Sirius asked. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“So there has to be a funeral?” Sirius asked. He hadn’t thought about it before.

“She has to be buried.”

“Why?”

“Sirius.”

“Yes. Yes. She has to be buried.” Sirius sighed. “Do I have to do it?”

“I think that’s what Andromeda wants to see you about.” Lily said.

“What about Reg?” Sirius asked. There was no body to bury. Was he supposed to just put up a headstone get flowers have a ceremony- all without a body?

“Well you could bury an empty cask..”

“Fuck it.” Sirius sighed, suddenly feeling faint. Fuck the world. Fuck Regulus for dying on him and fuck Remus for disappearing hours after returning. He was going off to sleep. The world could wait a fucking hour or two before crushing him again. He didn’t even wait for Lily to get off the couch. He just curled up in a ball and pulled the blanket over himself and went off to sleep.

***

“Where’s Remus?” Sirius asked as he sat up on the couch.

“He went to get a change of clothes for you.” James said. He’d been sitting on the chair opposite to him and looked up from his Daily Prophet.

Sirius stared at the paper not wanting to think about how Remus was gone. Again. And now because of what he’d said. He knew it was hurtful, a fate he wouldn’t want for any of them but it was also true. A child growing up without a father was far more tragic than lovers dying. He would never want that for a child. He saw He Who Must Not Be Named in a line and it suddenly struck him that he’d completely forgotten to ask why Voldemort had attacked at all.

“There’s a squib who lives a couple of miles down the road. She was assigned by Dumbledore to monitor this church. Her parents were wizards and according to Dumbledore she had, in her possession, some powerful artifact that Voldemort wanted. That’s why.”

“So it wasn’t you and Lily.” Sirius sighed in relief. “But what do you mean she had artifacts. Voldemort took it from her?” Sirius thought about the Horcruxes theory Regulus had told him about. Could it be that Voldemort was looking for the artifacts for that purpose?

James nodded. “She was found dead yesterday morning. The housed was sacked and it’s impossible to know what Voldemort took, there were so many things.”

“You went there?”

“I did. “ James hung his head. “She was protecting us, I guess. Not going would’ve been sort of wrong.”

“I suppose.” Sirius sighed. Here James was- going to someone’s funeral and he’d never even met her and then there was him-hoping he’d somehow manage to avoid his mother’s.

“Listen James, I have this feeling,” Sirius said, “Voldemort is not a fool. He’ll sooner or later figure out that we were at the scene because of personal interests. The others were all trained Aurors. We were the immatures running around. He’s gonna put two and two together and he might come back…”

“I’ve thought about it.” James said sincerely. “I ‘m just so..tired of hiding and moving all the freaking time. I wanted to have a home with her.” James looked at Lily, sitting crossed legged on the ground and reading a book. Her red hair blazed in the sun light graciously breaking in through the rose window behind her. “The kid’s due next month. I don’t want to run around with him always looking over my shoulders.”

Sirius thought about Number 12. It could be the ideal place to hide them away. Use the Fideles Charm and with all the ancient magic guarding that place, it might just be impenetrable. “James, um..I don’t know if you’ll like it. There’s no reason to but you could use..” Sirius couldn’t say it out loud. If he hadn’t so blatantly mentioned it to Regulus, he might’ve still been alive. No, he couldn’t do it. Not now. His mother wasn’t buried yet. There wasn’t a body for Regulus to be buried. How could he do this? Not to mention Kreacher-that elf would kill him if it could and all the dark magic in the house. How could he let a new born baby live there?

“Sirius?” James looked at him-brows furrowed in concentration. “You okay?”

Sirius nodded. “Yes. Never mind I was….”

“Your home.” James looked down at his hands. “You were going to say Number 12.”

Sirius nodded.

“I thought about that too.” James said and sighed. “I’m sorry Sirius. This is not the right time to be thinking about this. I’m so sorry.”

“The dead are gone.” Sirius croaked. “We have to do all we can to protect the living.”

A few clicks on the door made them jump up even though they knew it would be Remus. James stood beside the door and as Remus entered, he dropped his wands and sighed. He patted Remus on the back and both Lily and he made themselves scarce.

“Hi.” Sirius whispered as Remus dropped the duffle bag he’d brought on the ground and sat down beside him. Close. Closer than they’d been in what felt like ages.

“Your clothes are in there.” He said, their noses touching and Sirius could smell Remus’s sweet, sweet breath as Remus held him by the neck and brushed his lips into Sirius’s. He gasped as he felt sparks of magic weaving out of Remus’s fingers and into his skin. Remus took the opportunity to deepen the kiss and Sirius was suddenly aware of how stale his breath might be but Remus was tightly pressed against him and his tongue dancing in Sirius’s mouth made it difficult for him to concentrate on anything else.

“Merlin!” Sirius gasped as they broke off for air. Remus was breathless, the tip of his nose and ears red against his pale skin, his hair was messy from where Sirius had weaved his fingers into those amber strands. All his life, nothing had ever looked so splendid and heavenly as Remus did in that moment. “Never say that again.” Remus emphasized each syllable and Sirius understood exactly what he was talking about. He could never live without this. How could he ask Remus to?

***

That evening Sirius, to his great annoyance, met Andromeda and asked her to have the funeral in two days. Andromeda nodded silently, agreeing to everything Sirius said and, in the end, without thinking too much he decided to bury an empty casket for Regulus and put up a head stone. He barely took five minutes of time to decide everything and requested Remus to just apparate them back home directly from the café where they’d met. The next day Sirius went around like a robot ordering flowers and caskets from shops he’d known as a kid. He didn’t bother what flowers it was, or what colour and quality the caskets were of as long as they were presentable and upheld the delusory name of the Black family. Remus followed him around, mumbling agreements when Sirius asked him for opinions. Sirius couldn’t begin to express the tremendous gratitude he felt towards Remus. He would’ve fallen apart had he been alone in this.  

He wanted to completely ignore any of the compulsory rituals but decided there was no point holding grudge against a dead body. It was exhausting. Sirius didn’t bother informing anyone of his family about the funeral. Most of the extended family members were Death Eaters who might’ve been a part to the killings or wives and husbands to Eaters who didn’t mind the injustice going around in the world. So what was the point? At one point Sirius found himself thinking, rather out loud, if Walburga would’ve liked a particular thing. He found himself in shock and berated himself for keeping his mind empty enough for these thoughts to pop up but Remus just rubbed his back comfortingly and smiled. “It’s okay.” He said and coming from Remus, Sirius was ready to believe anything then.

They decided to conduct the funeral late in the afternoon. Sirius didn’t want to spend a night with Walburga’s dead body and he definitely didn’t want to spend the night with the dead body at Number 12. Sirius insisted Remus stay outside the house as he dropped off the essential items at Number 12. Remus didn’t argue and lit up a cigarette. When Sirius came out through the door, the cigarette had only burned half way through.

Remus pulled him close by the shoulders as Sirius plucked the cigarette off his lips and took a deep drag. They walked down to the nearest empty alley and apparated to the shack.

It was a clear night with the waning gibbous moon hanging low in the horizon and the stars shimmering in the dark blue sky.

“I think I’ll just wait here a bit” Sirius breathed in the fresh air. It’d rained along the coast and the sultry, heavy air gave away to a cool breeze blowing steadily. Their shack was in the dark, their porch lamp had not been lit and Sirius’s eyes found peace away from the city lights. Moonlight caught the green grass blades- a white shimmering ocean dancing before them. Even the nightly cacophony seemed like music to his ears-the sound of the waves breaking on the distant rocky shores, the crickets chirping incessantly, the occasional strident croaking of frogs, the wind whispering into the leafy branches, the smell of wet earth and grass under his feet, the essence of neon city lights forming a dome of dirty yellow in the horizon, the sound of grass being tramped under Remus’s shoes and he strolled closer to Sirius slowly-everything was unprecedently clear to him. That is what Sirius loved about this place-he could see civilization around the horizon but felt completely cut off from it. A save haven for Remus and him to live their life in peace and love.

But all these..Merlin!..Regulus would never see again.

Sirius looked up at the sky and if his astronomy wasn’t completely skewed, he recognized Regulus in Leo shimmering low in the western sky. It was one of the brightest stars he could see and for the umpteenth time wondered that if he done or said something different, his brother might’ve been alive.

Remus caught up to him and offered him a cigarette. Sirius placed it between his lips as Remus brushed his fingers and produced a flame. Sirius almost smiled at how Remus did these small pieces of magic at times. It was so fucking dramatic of him too. He put a hand on Sirius’s back. “I’m so sorry, Padfoot.”

Sirius nodded as he took a deep drag but coughed as a knot lodged in his throat. He turned and snuggled closer to Remus, taking in the smell of his usual tea and honey soap, the cigarette and something that was innately Remus.

“Let’s go in, yeah?” Remus squeezed his shoulders comfortingly and Sirius nodded. It would be a long day tomorrow.

***

Though James and Lily were under strict orders from Dumbledore to not leave the church, they insisted.

“You were there for all of us, Sirius.” Lily hugged him. “It’s the least we could do.”

Sirius wanted to say that it wasn’t the same. He hadn’t been in any mortal danger nor did his relation to Walburga resembled anything James and Lily had with their parents. He was only doing this because he was forced to. Had Regulus been here, he wouldn’t have been picking out flowers for Walburga and worrying if she would like them-as if Sirius had ever known the woman to show compassion or love towards anything nature had to offer. He’d never seen a flower bouquet in that home in fifteen years.

The smallest group of people had gathered-James, Lily, Peter, Remus, Andromeda and him. Sirius was glad none of his death eater relatives had turned up and why would they? According to the world, the Ancient and Nobel House of black had fallen quite spectacularly. Sirius couldn’t help but feel sadistic. The priest did the rituals and they buried the caskets in the small plot of land behind the house where Orion Black had been buried before.

Sirius wrapped it up as quickly as possible. James and Lily’s presence made him anxious. Too many chances had been taken. The next time might be the last time. As soon as the burial was completed, he forced James and Lily to go back home.

“Padfoot we can stay.” James said.

“James, please…” Sirius was losing his patience. He was going crazy and jumped at every noise fearing an attack. “This is too dangerous. You might be safe in the house but I really don’t want to take you in there. So please go.”

James nodded.

“Take care of yourself.” Lily said and pecked him on the cheeks. “We’re always here.”

“We can leave now.” Sirius said as Andromeda left soon after.

“Aren’t you going to go in?” Remus asked but Sirius’s annoyance might’ve shown on his face. “I’m just asking. There’s a house elf in there.”

“Yeah. I was bullied and belittled by him as a kid.” Sirius gritted his teeth. “I’m quite sure I don’t care whether he lives or dies.”

Remus nodded. Sirius could see the disapproval. So typical of Remus-always sticking up for the weaker section no matter what their disposition. “ I can’t Remus.” He says finally. “I can’t go in there and Kreacher isn’t going to die. Elves can survive without..”

“Yeah but he’ll starve.” Remus said.

“He starved me.”

“At your mother’s saying. She’s gone now and you’re not this person. An eye for an eye, really?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Just tell him that it’s okay, that he’s allowed to take care of the house and of himself. He’ll have to listen to you .”

Sirius sighed. “You’ll stay at the corridor. It’s fucking depressing in there. I’ll tell him and we’ll be gone from here in ten minutes, okay?”

“Absolutely.”

Sirius opened the back door that lead to a kitchen. It was just as gloomy as he remembered, a cavernous room with rough stone walls. Above him loomed the menacing shapes of heavy iron pots and pans hanging from the dark ceiling. Sirius hated the nooks and corners of this place. The continuous sense of foreboding was tiring. He was careful to not touch anything. It was impossible to know if something was cursed and most things in the house was.

“Kreacher.” He called, hoping that the elf would just appear and make it easy for him to just give the instructions but there was no reply. He looked through the corridor, the severed house-elf head hanging on the walls always made him queasy. In his hurry to run up the stairs he tumbled over something and while he managed to gain his footing, something heavy crashed on the floor.

Fuck.

The next moments were a blur. The silence was engulfed by a horrible, earsplitting, bloodcurdling screech that froze the blood in Sirius’s veins.  

“Yoooou! Blood traitor, abomination, shame of my flesh!” Sirius hadn’t heard the voice in years. But no no!!!! This can’t be. She’s dead.

“Get up. Get up.” He saw Remus shouting in front of him but it was a fading echo. He was eleven years old and at home for Christmas break. His mother had been shouting incessantly since his arrival-every word thrown at him was a curse. Every meal was thrown at him all because he’d dared to be a Gryffindor. Everything that went wrong in the house was made out to be his fault. His brother was forbidden to talk to him and Regulus only sometimes peered form the back of a door if he was being slapped by his mother.

He couldn’t move. Remus was pulling him up.

“Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness! Half-breeds, mutants, freaks, begone from this place! How dare you befoul the house of my fathers —” His mother, even in death, brought the house down with her shrill, ugly voice that Sirius detested.

“Sirius?” Remus shook him by the shoulders. “For goodness sake!”

Sirius only felt the pull of the apparition before they both landed with a thud on the front porch of the shack.

“You okay?” Remus asked softly after he’d let the comforting silence of nature calm them both. Sirius only looked at him briefly and saw his hands shaking as he put a cigarette between his lips.

“What was that?” Suddenly he felt his body aching everywhere and ended up lying down on his back on the wood-it creaked and groaned under him just like his bones. He closed his eyes.

“A portrait. Ugly one too.” Very unlike Remus to describe anything as ugly. Sirius heard the tell tail signs of Remus’s lighter as he lit up the cigarette.

“You’re smoking.” Sirius mentioned. Usually Remus just plucked it off Sirius’s lips. It was rare of him to smoke actively. Something about not ravaging the body any more than it already is.

“Things are changing.” Remus said, exhaling.

Sirius opened his eyes and looked up. The sun was hidden behind the shack making his view of the sky a dazzling blue with only white paint brush strokes of cloud behind the huge trees opposite to their shack. The milky blue moon was high up in the sky. It was awfully calm- the only sound- his and Remus’s breathing. Under different circumstances it could’ve been be a peaceful afternoon-Remus and he might’ve cooked a good meal and had lunch together, Remus would laughed and smile, the afternoon sunlight filtering through their kitchen window and catching Remus’s hair.

Remus was right-things were changing. And since Remus’s return three days ago, they hadn’t talked about the transformation or how he’d escaped without a single scratch. Whatever had gone down with Greyback-It couldn’t have been bad? But right now, it was too much for Sirius to process. He sat back up and plucked the cigarette from between Remus’s fingers and took a deep drag. They could deal with the rest tomorrow.

Later that night, Sirius came out of the washroom, drying his hair in the towel and found Remus lying on the bed in only a pair of briefs, reading an old book. He couldn’t say what book it was. Remus had the habit of covering them with old newspapers so that the covers remained intact. But its bottom edges were singed indicating it was from their flat.

“What are you reading?” Sirius sat down on the bed beside him, looking at Remus’s face. His lips were parted slightly, brows raised up in awe at what he was reading, his eyes wide; eyeballs moving over words fast as he raced to the end of perhaps a bewitching tale of crusades. There were no new scars on his face and Sirius realized that the full moon hadn’t hurt him for the first time in his life. He hadn’t been haunted and fed upon by Moony. Sirius couldn’t take his eyes off Remus’s lips; they were chapped and he’d started biting on his lower lip now. Even before Sirius realized, he was leaning into Remus, heart throbbing in his chest.

Remus looked up at him.

Sirius stopped.

Fuck.

A drop of water had made its way down Sirius’s lock onto Remus’s lips. He brushed it aside with his thumb, closed the book and slowly propped himself up on his elbows all the while looking into Sirius’s eyes.

“I’ve missed you.” Remus said softly and that is all Sirius needed to hear to close the intoxicating distance between them. He was spinning, the sweet taste of Remus’s tongue on his; and Sirius closed his eyes and gave in to Remus. He felt lightheaded-floating in a wide open sea with no bounds to the universe around him.

Sirius opened his eyes to realize he’d fallen over Remus and he was holding him tight.

“You’re awfully tired.” Remus cooed in his ear. In one swift but tremendously gentle move, Remus turned them both and Sirius found himself lying on his side, both facing each other. Remus pulled away the towel that was twisted around Sirius’s waist and ran his thumb over Sirius’s cheeks. Sirius trembled. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. You shouldn’t have had to go through everything alone.”

Sirius looked away from Remus’s amber eyes as he felt his eyes burning. “Are you…okay?” He asked.

Remus nodded. “I am.”

“I’m so glad, love.” Sirius tucked his head under Remus’s chin. “I’m so glad you’re here..and unhurt and I just love you..so..I love you so much.” His voice trembled. He wished he would’ve had time to make things right with Regulus or have a chance to say good bye.

“Me too, Pads. Me too.”

Chapter Text

One Friday evening before the Christmas holiday, Sirius heard a knock on his door just after dinner. “ It’s open.” He said looking up from his table full of fifth years’ assignments. Harry peeped in from behind the door. “Harry! Yes, come in.”

“Hey.” Harry smiled and sat down on the chair opposite to him. “So I realized that last month with the Dementors and Quidditch I forgot your birthday.”

“Nay!” Sirius waved his hand. “It’s nothing.”

“No..I..I was thinking, next weekend there is a Hogsmeade visit and maybe you could ask Dumbledore so that I could go with you and we can have a small celebration.”

“Harry, I really appreciate it.” Sirius cleared his throat. “I do and I will ask Dumbledore but no..birthday celebration. Just you and I, together. May be we can have a quite meal..if you're alright with that?” Sirius hadn’t celebrated his birthday in over a decade. His twenty second had been the nightmare and later he’d have preferred to forget his existence had it not been for Harry. He couldn’t start celebrating now. A quiet lunch with Harry -that would be the best possible celebration he could ask for.

“Yeah. Okay. So you’ll ask Dumbledore?” Harry asked eagerly. Sirius smiled. As glad as he was about Harry’s gesture, he knew Harry wanted to see Hogsmeade too. He was glad that at times like these Harry actually acted like a thirteen-year-old.

“I will.” Sirius replied.

“Okay. Cool.” With the promise of that Harry bid him goodnight.

***

Hogwarts was covered in snow the next weekend, there was Christmas cheer all around. Decorations had already been put up in the castle and students went around playing in the snow. Dumbledore, after much persuasion had allowed Sirius to take Harry out and they’d decided to meet at the main entrance on Saturday, after breakfast. As Sirius turned a corner. he saw Fred and George Weasley hand over something to Harry. The lopsided smile on their faces told Sirius it was some pranking merchandise but Harry had never really been a mischief maker like they'd been so Sirius decided to let it slide for now. As the brothers saw him approaching, they winked at Harry and left with polite goodbyes. Harry looked a tad bit shaken but it was gone in an instant.

“Okay there?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah.” Harry smiled. “Let’s go.”

They wandered through the snowy cobbled streets in silence for a while. Though Sirius and Harry had now known each other for three years now, Sirius sometimes found it difficult to communicate with him outside their usual settings. The last two years they’d usually met at Sirius’s house over the summer holidays. They’d occasionally gone out for a meal or Sirius had cooked and they’d talked then but there was usually a year’s worth of incidents to be shared. Their weekly letters barely covered everything. But this year Sirius had practically been with Harry for the past three months, even though it seemed he wanted to spend more and more time with his godson, he never had words to say to him. Everything seemed to be either too important or not important at all.

“So when will you start teaching me the Patronus Charm?” Harry asked finally.

“Soon. As the holidays begin, we can start working on it.” Sirius replied.

“Okay.”

“Do you wanna get some candy?” Sirius asked pointing at Honeydukes.

“Yeah!” Harry smiled.

“Oh good Merlin! Sirius Black is it?” Ambrosius Flume exclaimed.

Sirius was caught off guard. Thousands of students and he still remembered him! “Hello Mr. Flume. How have you been?”

“Good! But now that your friend” He stopped and looked at Harry. “..mass murderer Remus Lupin is out, the Dementors are patrolling the streets every evening. Business has been down in general..not for me though...”

The shop, until then, was occupied by only a few students and Sirius was glad but as a host of students entered, Sirius’s panicked. He didn’t want his students to find out who he was. His heart was fluttering in his chest. Fuck.

“Harry..” He barely whispered and almost on cue, Harry just got his sweets on the counter and asked how much it would be.

“As many time as these people sneaked into my shop…They always left the money though..” Mr. Flume said. Harry smiled and politely left the counter without waiting for the change to a couple of coins. Sirius followed him out, legs trembling and heart threatening to burst out of his chest. He slipped into the next empty alleyway and leaned against the wall.

Fuck! He didn’t want Harry to see him having a panic attack. He fumbled for a cigarette in his pocket and lit it up. As he took a deep drag, Harry strutted in through the bustling main street.“Ron and Hermione saw me and started asking how I got here.” He mumbled and kicked a stone against the wall.

“You didn’t tell them?” Sirius asked trying to sound calm. His fingers were still trembling.

“I wasn’t sure if Dumbledore would allow and I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up.” He said.

Sirius nodded. Maybe him bringing Harry wasn’t such a good idea but he hadn’t foreseen people remembering him. It had been almost seventeen years. A part of him just wanted to go back to the castle and prevent any further incident but he would have to take Harry with him and he really didn’t want a perfectly good day to go to waste.

“So, you people were mischief makers but you were good mischief makers.” Harry chuckled. Sirius found his lips curling up to smile as well. “Why else would you leave money for the chocolates! Why did you have to sneak in any way you could just always come here and get it?”

“Sneaking in was fun.” Sirius replied as opposed to telling Harry how his one-time lover needed chocolates to get over depression around full moons.

“How did you sneak in?” Harry asked curiously and as Sirius turned to look at him, he saw James’s mischief gleaming in Harry’s eyes.

“We knew passages.” Sirius ruffled Harry hair but as a teacher I am not at liberty to tell you about them.

Harry pouted. “That’s unfair.”

“Yeah kiddo. Let’s go now.” As Sirius walked towards the Three Broomsticks, Harry asked him surprised, “We’re going in?”

“Um..don’t you want to?” Sirius asked.

“No, I just thought that with what just happened you might not want to go.” Harry’s smiled uncomfortably and looked down at his shoes.

Sirius was tempted to take Harry’s offer but resisted. “No, come one. We’ll go in. You order.”

“Butterbeer?”

“Yeah, sure.” They entered and were met with a crowd of bustling Hogwarts students moving around. Sirius looked directly at the opposite counter and was met by Madam Rosmerta’s eyes. She stopped only briefly and gave him a slight nod. Sirius nodded back and moved towards a corner, chose a table for two and took the seat that was out of public sight owing to a wooden partition in between. As he breathed in the old dusty smell of the pub mixed with the swirling smoke all around, he couldn’t help the nostalgia that crept in and tingled his heart. It’d been too long but the all familiar smell that cocooned him, seeped into the woolen fabric of his coat, filled the space between his tousled hair-It was the closest thing to the home he knew in ’77. Harry saved him from drowning in his memories as he appeared with two full mugs, Butterbeer threatening to spill out. He carefully placed the down.

“I tried to pay. She said it was on the house.” Harry said.

“Oh! It’s cool. Don’t worry about it.” Sirius smiled.  

“So what did you do for her?” Harry asked as he took a sip. Sirius could see the drink spread warmth across Harry. “Wow..This is fantastic.” Harry chuckled.

Sirius smiled. “Nothing much. Helped her out once.” Sirius didn’t want to go into the details. Once one of her customers had fallen for her, not that it was a rare occurrence, Rosmerta is a beautiful lady but that one time she’d fallen for him too. A couple of weeks later she’d doubted that he’d been placed under the imperious curse. Three Broomsticks was frequently used as a unofficial meeting place back during the first war. She didn’t want to risk the Order members. She’d told Dumbledore and confronted her lover. The man went maniac and tried to kill her. By some miracle James and Sirius had been allotted patrolling duties that night at Hogsmeade. They barged in captured the man before he could kill Rosmerta and took him to the Ministry holding cell. Two days later they heard that he’d tried to escape and Aurors had to kill him.

“So I was thinking about getting a new broom.” Harry said, breaking Sirius’s thoughts.

“Yeah. The Firebolt just came out. I was reading through, great design. I’ll order it.” Sirius said.

Harry went red slightly. “I can, you know. Mum and dad left money…”

“Harry…” Sirius laughed.

“What? You buy me everything..ever since we met..” Harry said a little flabbergasted.

“Everything I have is yours. I was supposed to be the uncle who spoils you and Remus..” Sirius stopped suddenly.

“He was the level headed one?” Harry asked calmly and Sirius couldn’t help a pang of jealousy that struck him. If Harry had the capacity to talk this about the man who killed his parents, he should be able to keep a semblance of detachment during talking about Remus. After all, there was a lot Harry still needed to know.

“Yeah, he was.” So levelheaded and calm that he betrayed us all and we never even saw it coming. “But my point is we all made our wills during the war and just as James and Lily left everything to you, my will says the same. It’s all yours.”

Harry reddened. “That’s ridiculous what about your family?”

“What family?” Sirius pulled back his hair and tired it in a bun. “You are all I have and want. I won’t ever have any other family.”

Harry was about to say something but decided against it. Sirius took a gulp to finish off the last of butterbeer left. “Finish off, I’ll be back.” Sirius found an opportune moment to talk to Rosmerta.

“Rosmerta.”              

“Black.” Rosmerta greeted him and poured a Firewhiskey. “I heard you were at Hogwarts. Students love you. Wondered when you would show up.”

Sirius smiled as he leaned against the counter. “You know, just bought Harry along.”

“So that is James and Lily’s kid. Not that anyone who knew them would doubt that. He’s practically a duplicate of James but the eyes..”

“Lily’s, yeah.” Sirius gulped the whiskey.

“Must be hard, ha? Seeing them in him every day.”

“The good kind of hard.” Sirius smiled.

“I don’t have any news.” Rosmerta said. “ I know you wanna know. But he hasn’t showed up. I haven’t seen any signs of him- not even the Shack. No one’s been there since you people graduated.”

Sirius nodded. “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry. I know you lov..”

“Doesn’t matter.” Sirius cut her off as he saw Harry come up to them. “Thanks, Rosmerta.”

As they were strolling through, they came across the Shrieking Shack.

“What is that?” Harry asked as he strolled closer to the barbed wire fencing.

“It’s known as the Shrieking Shack, believed to be haunted by most.” Sirius said looking around. Nothing had changed. It looked the same degree of dilapidated as it had in the June of ’77-the last time they’d all transformed in there together. It was the same dirty brown walls now covered with layers of snow that had settled in its cervices. He could almost hear the creaking of the walls.

“But you don’t?” Harry asked.

“I don’t what?” Sirius had missed whatever Harry had been saying.

“You don’t believe it’s haunted?” Harry frowned. “Ron said even Dumbledore says it’s haunted.”

Sirius smiled. “He does but it isn’t. Remember I told you Remus was a werewolf? He transformed here on the full moons. Tore himself apart. It was..painful..he howled and screamed a lot.” He cleared his throat. “Dumbledore encouraged people to believe it was haunted to prevent people from snooping. There is a passage below the Whomping Willow that leads to the Shack from inside..”

“That tree..” Harry frowned. It’d just crushed his Nimbus 2000.

“Yes. It’s horrible but it was planted to guard the entrance to the shack. No one dared to go near it and Remus was safe during the moons.” Sirius sighed.

“Makes sense but he’d not here now..so..” Suddenly Harry stopped as something dawned on his face. “ Sirius what if he’s using it to transform now and what if he’s using it to get into the castle?”

“He isn’t Harry-transforming I mean.” Sirius sighed and started to walk away. “Come on.” He didn’t want to tell Harry that Remus might’ve used the passage to enter the castle. It was being guarded now. It didn’t matter-Sirius lied to himself.

“I hate him.” Harry said softly and Sirius stopped. “Remus, I mean.”

Bile rose to Sirius’s throat. ‘As do I, Harry.’ He wanted to say; he should’ve said but couldn’t.

“He was your friend. Best friend! Brothers from what I understand and see in the photos you’ve shown me.” Harry fumed. “How could he!”

Sirius kept quiet. He’d never before discussed this with anyone. It seemed to close in on him. “We should go back. Lunch will be over in half an hour.” He said instead.

He didn’t know when he had reached his living quarters. He found himself splashing water on his face and though the temperature outside was sub-zero his skin was burning. Sirius wanted to hit his reflection in the mirror. He should’ve seen the signs. Were there signs- in the heated mid-afternoon sultry kisses, when they made love on the couch, when Remus threw him against the wall and pinned him down and whispered down his mouth that he loved him? His stomach turned and he threw up in the sink.

Fuck.

Fuck you for everything you took away. He slammed his hand on the edge of the sink, leaving a crack and a searing pain in his palm. He decided then that he would ask Regulus for information and in return help him hunt Voldemort down. He couldn’t just sit in the castle and do nothing. Remus was out there planning something heinous and he couldn’t let him go through with it. He wouldn’t.    

***  

Sirius woke up to gusts of crystalline fresh air that made their white curtains flutter and dance. The wooden pane creaked against the stoppers holding them in place. He turned to find an empty bed but the pillow and mattress was still dented from Remus, the sheets crumbled up- he couldn’t have been up very long.

He put on a grey tee lying on the ground and made his way out to the kitchen. The cup was still steaming, a tea bag dipped inside, the string hanging out. The other cup on the table held hot coffee, it’s scent mingling with the lemon chamomile tea, was the closest thing to home Sirius had experienced in months.

“Remus?”

“Out here.” The wind carried in Remus’s voice through the half ajar door.

Sirius padded out and was met with Remus holding a camera to his eye, a goofy smile on his face.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked. He hadn’t seen Remus take photos in a while. The circumstances lately have left nothing to be photographed.

“Come out here.” Remus said as he turned the camera away to click something else.

As Sirius approached him, he noticed that it was the Kodak’s automatic 35 that had belonged to Lily’s father and she had given it to him after the one Remus owned broke down and he couldn’t afford one. Remus had hesitated but Lily had forced him to take it after seeing some of Remus’s clicks- saying he had an eye for capturing nature or something like that. Sirius, though, never understood the essence of it. Sure, he liked photographs, both muggle and magic alike- but of people. He loved the essence of a moment being captured- someone would smile or laugh, the water splashing as someone jumped into a lake-they were memories to be held on to, days that would never come back. They will never be seventeen again but the world will go on-the sun will rise after a civil twilight, the birds will fly, the plants will stay, the flowers will bloom, the wind will knock off trees and new ones will grow in their place but they’ll never be seventeen again.

“Your tea is getting cold.” Sirius mumbled as he strolled around Remus who took turns pointing the lens towards Sirius and the rising sun in the horizon.

“I charmed it to stay warm.” Remus mumbled, distracted by something on the ground as he bent down to click it.

As much as Sirius loved to see Remus so lively, he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was building up to something more.

“Shoot!” Remus finally sighed. “I’m out of film.” He sat down on the grass and patted the ground beside him, indicating Sirius to do the same. Sirius obliged as Remus carefully charmed their cups to float into their hands. Remus, being exceptionally gifted at such spells, didn’t spill a drop.

Sirius smiled. “Pretty impressive.”

“And he speaks.” Remus looked at him. It wasn’t a mockery. Sirius knew that Remus understood his silence for the past few days but, perhaps, Remus missed him. He missed Remus too but there was so many things on his mind that Sirius didn’t think he’d be able to stop talking once he’s started and he really didn’t want Remus to know that he’d been lied to for the better part of a year. It would harshly affect their already strained relationship, a tension that had been building up for months now. Neither of them had said anything but it was only a matter of time before they both exploded.

“Rem, I..”

“It’s okay, Sirius. I just..” Remus hesitated. “I feel like there’s a lot that needs to be talked through and discussed but I don’t know how to do that either.”

“Can I ask you something?” Sirius asked. Remus was a practical man. He would give Sirius an unbiased opinion. “Would Number 12 be a safe place for James and Lily?”

Remus seemed to contemplate this for a while as he stared down at the cup by his feet. “It could.” He finally said. “But not right now.”

“You think..”

“Voldemort…killed them because he thought they were traitors. There’s a good chance a death eater might come by to look for something concrete or if he was working alone or not. It’s better to give it some time.”

Sirius nodded. This was an option he hadn’t thought of. They should wait for the cloud to blow over before doing something rash.

“Do you know anything?” Remus asked.

“About what?” Sirius asked suddenly realizing that something had shifted in the conversation.

“About Regulus working with someone else.” Remus asked, his gaze piercing Sirius and for one horrifying moment he thought Remus was trying to read his mind.

“I knew my brother to be loyal to Voldemort.” Sirius said, his mouth suddenly dry. “We broke off any contact based on that. If I knew he was betraying Voldemort, I would’ve brought him to Dumbledore.”

Remus nodded. “Okay.”

Sirius’s mind screamed how wrong this was. This isn’t like him-lying like this. Remus knew something-he must have. Why else would he have asked Sirius something like this so blatantly! As far as any of them knew, Regulus and he hadn’t spoken in years. But Regulus had said, he knew inside information about Greyback. Could it be possible that Greyback also knew what Regulus was up to? That he told Remus that Sirius and Regulus were meeting in secret. Sirius’s stomach lurched.

“I’m going in to take a bath.” Sirius mumbled.

“Yeah. Sure.” Remus replied as he went back to sipping his tea.

Sirius splashed cold water on his face as he waited for his nausea to pass. The thought that Remus might get to know from Greyback that his lover had been lying to him made his stomach revolt and he ended up vomiting the coffee he’d just had. It was something he hadn’t thought possible. Remus would now doubt him, hate him, all without knowing the truth. No. No!! He couldn’t let this happen. Regulus was dead. There was no mission to hunt an incredulous theory about horcruxes. He couldn’t risk all he has based on something that’s long gone.

“Remus?” Sirius didn’t know how he’d reached their kitchen where Remus was washing some utensils.

He turned around and was beside Sirius in an instance. “Are you okay? What happened?” Remus looked worried, his eyes running over all over Sirius. “You look like..shit..”

“I need to tell you something.” Sirius mumbled as Remus let him to a chair and pulled up one to sit in front of him.

“I..um..I spoke to Regulus before…” Sirius said in between ragged breaths.

“You did?” Remus wasn’t perturbed like it was in his knowledge. 

“Last year when he sent me the letter asking me to meet..”

“You said he didn’t show.”

“I lied.” Sirius said and had to swallow the bile that rose up his throat at how shocked Remus looked. Sirius realized Remus must have not know the full extent of his transgressions. “I had been seeing him…”

Remus pushed back the chair as he got up hastily and turned away. “You’ve been lying to me for the better part of a year? I thought he was lying…” He whispered.

Before Sirius could clarify if Greyback had told him anything, Remus spoke, “So what is it? Did you turn and sell your soul to the devil? Did you want to kill them? Kill me?”

“No!” Sirius was up in an instant. “I would die before I let anything happen to any of you.” He hated how his voice shook. His eyes were burning.

“But if you were working for Voldemort why would he kill Regulus..”

“Remus please.” Sirius cried. “No one was working for anyone. He turned to our side. He just didn’t want to go to Dumbledore. He’s no saint. It was nothing, we were grasping at thing air.”

“Grasping at what?” Remus asked, his eyes burning with rage.

“I can’t tell you.” Sirius pressed the heels of his palm to his eyes. “ The only other person who had this knowledge is dead. I can’t risk it... I can’t..”

“You think I’ll tell Greyback.” Remus shouted.

“No! No!” Sirius nodded his head vehemently. “I think you’ll get killed for that knowledge.”

“I think I can protect myself.” Remus said coldly.

“Sure you can!” Sirius didn’t know where it came form. “Now that you feel right at home with your new pack, why would you need me!”

Something flashed dangerously across Remus’s eyes. “You want me to be a whiny, broken piece of flesh and bone, withering and screaming in pain every month so that you can get the satisfaction of fixing something you think is broken.”

“You’re not broken.” Sirius said looking squarely at Remus’s eyes.

“Fix yourself. Fixing me won’t fix you.” Remus turned away hunching down over the kitchen counter.

“I’m trying to protect you. The same reason for which you won’t tell me your mission with Greyback or where you go. Yet you have the guts to just stand there and accuse me of lying when I’m trying to tell you the truth?” Sirius grind his jaws. “I’m glad that you’re not in pain. You think I like to see you that way months after months, year after year-healing you, staying by your side all day long not to mention everything we went through to get the animagus transformation right! You think that was a joke?” Sirius would’ve said more but Remus just slouched down horribly and Sirius could see him pulling at his hair.

“I know it wasn’t.” Remus whispered. “In fact it’s so much risk and work that I cannot ever repay the three of you for that..never..”

And realization dawned on Sirius. “So that is what it’s all about? You think you can’t repay us. But with them there’s no debt. They are who you are. With them there are no strings..”

“I don’t have to be scared of hurting them or anyone for that matter. And I realized that that scare was all that controlled me. When I’m not scared, I’m in control and I don’t have to be scared of hurting them. That’s why there are no injuries, no broken bones, no split lips…”

“But you haven’t hurt..”

Remus took two long steps towards him and yanked his shirt out, baring his back. Sirius could feel Remus’s fingers running over his left shoulder blade. Moony had lashed out the very first full moon they’d spent together. He’d caught Padfoot off guard. It had hurt like hell but the healing process later had been more difficult. He’d had to hide the wound which with their limited knowledge of healing potion had taken weeks to heal even though James had read and tried every healing spell possible. But it was nothing. They were kids, amateurs maneuvering through situations they’d never thought could arise. “It’s nothing…it was…” a long time ago. But Remus brought his fingers down, just above the elastic of Sirius’s boxers. Remus pulled them down a little and traced out the scar on the side of right hip. After Hope’s death, Remus had been devastated and that full moon Moony had bitten down on the soft flesh as Sirius was trying to stop him from throwing himself at the wall. Had it not been for James, Moony would’ve chucked out the flesh.

“Should I go on?” Remus whispered.

Sirius nodded. No, he didn’t care for any of this. Even with this gaping lack of trust between them, Sirius didn’t care how much Moony was capable of hurting him. All he could think of was Remus’s hand as it grazed his buttocks over the fabric of his boxers. He gasped out at the jolt of electricity that rushed through him.

It must’ve caught Remus off guard. “You..you want me even after what I just dug up from the past?”

Sirius hated the surprise in Remus’s voice. Maybe he could never convince Remus that he would always want him- no matter the circumstances. At the same time he was glad that the focus had shifted from Regulus. “I do.” Sirius said, swallowing audibly.

“Please don’t lie to me from now own. Not when your safety is on the line.” Remus said as he kissed Sirius’s shoulders.

“I won’t”. Sirius gasped as he grabbed the chair to support himself. It had been weeks since they’d had sex. Remus had been away for so long that. He was dying to feel something true, real and little other than Remus made sense anyway.

“You okay? You’re sure you..want this now..?” Remus whispered.

“This is all I fucking want.” Sirius said, as he caught Remus in a kiss. He kissed Remus along the contours of his slender neck; over his racing pulse, kissing a sucking his scar jagged shoulder, leaving red welts in his wake. He slipped his hands below Remus’s tee, fingers tracing his ribs, curling around golden hair over his chest and puled at his nipples, Remus threw his head back in response and moaned as his hands dropped down to support himself against the kitchen top. Sirius pulled up the tee over Remus’s head and threw it aside as he pulled back Remus to kiss him; pushing himself up against Remus. They moaned into each other’s mouth. Instinctively Remus’s thrust his hips against him, gasping.  Sirius held Remus’s hips down, kissed him again and got down on his knees, skin scraping against the wooden floor. Pulling down Remus’s boxers he took him in his mouth.

“Fuck.” Remus gasped as Sirius felt the throbbing flesh in his mouth. Remus weaved his fingers his hair hard making his eyes water as Sirius started moving his tongue up and down Remus’s length pinning his hips down. Remus struggled against him, working his hip back and forth. Sirius could feel Remus’s cock bulging harder.

Remus grunted disapprovingly as he took Remus’s cock out of his mouth.

“Take me.” Sirius whispered as he kissed Remus. His cock was throbbing, aching as he saw Remus’s twitching between them. Remus sighed as he kissed Sirius back and pulled down his boxers. Sirius turned and bent down on the table, baring his back to Remus. Sirius heard him mumble some incantation and felt Remus insert two fingers into his hole. Fuck. Sirius moaned as Remus fingered him.

“Fuck, Rem..” Sirius’s nails dug into the wood.

“You okay?” Remus asked as he removed his fingers.

“Yeah..”

Sirius waited as Remus positioned himself. He felt Remus trace out the scars on his back. “Are you sure you want this now?” He asked, voice hoarse.

“For fuck’s sake Remus. Fuck me already!”

Slowly Remus pushed inside him and started moving.

“Please Remus.” Sirius couldn’t feel anything. Remus was holding back too much. Sirius pushed back against him. “Faster..” And Remus obliged. The rickety table rattled as Sirius quivered with Remus thrusting in and out of him, exiting him almost completely and then pushing back in. With his buildup, Sirius knew he wouldn’t last long. It was too overwhelming. Fuck! Remus!

“Rem..fuck!..” and on cue, Remus began stroking him. Within seconds he came, breathless and Remus followed, spreading tingling warmth inside him as he leaned on Sirius, sweaty, chest heaving, gasping for air. They, a quivering mess, would’ve collapsed on the floor had Sirius not have support of the table. His legs felt useless, tingling and trembling as Remus’s comfortable weight on him shifted. He pushed up Sirius’s tee and planted butterfly kisses over his back, combed his sweaty strands away to one side and continued kissing him, his stubble grazing over Sirius’s soft skin. He breathed shakily, chuckling slightly.

Remus pulled out of him and pulled him up, holding him by the throat and kissing him. Sirius turned and sat on the edge of the table, pulling Remus between his legs as Remus continued to kiss him down his neck.

“This was so good.” Sirius said as he attempted to steady his breath.

“I’ve missed you.” Remus mumbled from where his face was tucked in Sirius’s hair. He was breathing in deeply.

“Me too.” Sirius held Remus, their sticky bodies against each other.

Remus pulled away and incantated away their mess.

“I don’t want to go. You know I don’t.” He said as he pulled up his boxers from the floor and lit a cigarette. “But primarily Dumbledore wants me to and this month was so easy that I can’t help but feel drawn to them.”

Sirius nodded. He understood. He really did but he couldn’t deny that it broke his heart to realize that Remus might consider other people his own. They’d been together for so long that someone else in Remus’s or any of their lives seemed a far fetched idea not to mention this was about his transformations- something only a handful of people had been privy to. He put his clothes back on as well.

“Sirius..I..this doesn’t mean..I mean…I’m not going to always go..” Remus pulled his hair back.

“No, Remus. Listen.” Sirius sighed as he sat down on a chair. He struggled to put words into emotions but Remus waited for him patiently. “I’ve hurt..let you done once.” They both flinched at the memory of the incident with Snape. “And I swore it would never happen again. I understand your need to..belong and embrace who you really are..” Sirius raised his hand to stop Remus from speaking and continued. “..Which is not a monster but a man with an affliction. If there was anything I could do to do for you what they can, I would. You know I would. You’ll always belong with us, with me, no matter where else you belong. I love you and I guess I was so scared was because I thought…that you would leave me..” Sirius mumbled the last part as Remus brushed the hair out of his face and pulled him in his chest, kissing the top of Sirius’s head.

“I will never leave you. I can’t. I love you, Sirius.” Remus sighed. “But you have to promise me that you’ll not keep secrets like these from me. If something happens to you I won’t know where to look and I’ll go insane..”

“I know..I know..It’s just all too much.” Sirius whispered, his head still oh Remus chest. “It’s too soon after Regulus and mom…and fuck I hated her but for some reason I still feel this..thing..this bad feeling for her and with Reg..I told Lily too, I don’t feel like he’s dead. Something feels wrong..and I can’t put my finger on it..” He circled his arms around Remus’s waist and pulled him closer.

“It’s okay.” Remus said, caressing his hair. “Tell me when you’re ready. Just stay out of harms way. I beg you.” 

Sirius nodded his head.

“I was thinking of making some lunch. We can have a..quite time.” Remus said as kissed Sirius’s head and pulled away.

Sirius nodded. They could use a semblance of normal right now. “I will help.”

“It’s okay. Weren’t you going to take a bath?” Remus asked as he searched the cupboards for what he could cook.        

“I was but I can…”

“It’s okay. I will do it. You go take a bath.”

By the time Sirius came out of the washroom, the sky was darkened by clouds again.

“There were some sausages. I made sandwich.” Remus said as he laid out the plates. “I’m gonna make some tea you want coffee?”

Sirius smiled. “Sit, love. I’ll do it.” The words suddenly rolled off his tongue and both of them stopped in their tracks.

Remus’s lips curled up slightly. “Okay.”

As Sirius got their cups, Remus took a bite of his sandwich. “Start eating. I’m starving.”

“Yeah.” Sirius took a bite and mentally steadied himself for what he wanted to say. “Remus?”

There must’ve been something in his voice because Remus looked up from his plate, concerned. “What happened?”

“We got lost back in there with everything else. I..um..I need to tell..clarify somethings to you.” Sirius wished Remus would say something but he just patiently waited. “I was seeing Reg..and he did come over to our side but he didn’t want to involve Dumbledore in what we were doing.”

“You’ve already told me that.” Remus took a sip of his tea. Gusty winds were picking up frequency as thunder cracked in the sky. Their door and windows creaked under the air pressure.

“Yes. He told me he was in contact with Greyback, that he knew that Greyback wanted you…”

“Everyone knows that.” Remus said calmly.

“Rem you said that someone told you about me and Reg meeting and I…I need to know how you knew that?” Sirius hung his head, pulling his hair back.

“You don’t know if Regulus was betraying you.” Sirius couldn’t say if Remus was asking a question or simply stating a fact.

“If Regulus told Greyback then there was a whole level of game being played that I had no clue about. It would mean that my brother betrayed me, played me and he’s dead and I can’t ask him and not knowing will just kill…” Sirius choked on his words.

“Regulus did not betray you.” Remus sighed and pushed away his plate. Sliding down in the chair he said, “He was meeting Greyback on Voldemort’s orders to gather support. Greyback is a foul..being but he has his own twisted principles. He isn’t ready to side with Voldemort until his demands are met. One of the pack members was assigned to follow Regulus and he saw your brother go into the Hog’s Head and then later he saw you coming out. It was purely speculation at that time and Greyback just, you know, he was trying to instigate me…and I..I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t contact you…”

“Then you have known it for months now. Why didn’t…”

“What would I say? I wanted to believe you would’ve told me had you been helping Regulus on our side and if you had gone over to the other side, I didn’t want to know. I thought about asking but every time I saw you, the words died away. I couldn’t believe that this…that you..” Remus chuckled dryly. “This beautiful, gorgeous, mostly kind man, my love…could betray us, me.” Remus’s voice trembled. “ I didn’t want to know. I wouldn’t be able to accept that but I know I can’t leave you no matter what. What if you asked me to join you in the dark side? Between Greyback and you I couldn’t have resisted. I would’ve given in to you and I couldn’t imagine anything beyond that point…”

Sirius’s heart ached at the words. Suddenly all the silent nights, the strained kisses, Remus’s edginess  made sense to him. Remus was struggling with the basis of their entire existence. It was a miracle he hadn’t imploded with all the knowledge. “I’m sorry.” Sirius struggled to get the words out. They weren’t enough. They could never be enough. He would’ve choked in Remus’s situation.

“I know. It couldn’t have been easy..” Remus hung his head and wiped his eyes. “Was it..?”

“No.” Sirius didn’t need Remus to finish the question. “It was hell. I was….dying..Rem…I’m.” Sirius reached out across the table and Remus met him midway. “You, James, Lily and Peter are my everything. I can ever betray you. Not for Regulus even. I made that choice a long time ago.”

“I know.” Remus mouthed.

As they finished their meal in silence, a bout of rain cleared out the stale humid air in the atmosphere. As Remus made himself a fresh cup of tea, Sirius stood against the open porch door and lit up a cigarette. Sunlight crept up from behind a patch of dark cloud making the wet grass and soil smell like sunlight. It was refreshing and Sirius leaned back into the sunlight, closing his eyes and feeling its comfortable warmth.  

He heard a snap and looked up to see Remus smiling, the camera in his hand. “It’s a beautiful sight.” He sighed as Sirius rolled his eyes but melted a little inside. Remus padded up to him and pulled him close, kissing him. Sirius weaved his fingers into Remus soft, amber curls. The taste of tobacco on his lips collided with the chamomile in Remus’s. It was magic, bliss- the kind Sirius craves and misses every moment he’s without Remus. Sirius sighed praying for this semblance of stability to just last a while longer.

Suddenly Remus stilled. His lips were still on Sirius’s but he tensed. Slowly Remus pulled away and motioned Sirius too keep quiet. Quickly Remus pulled Sirius inside the door and locked it. “Is the front door locked?” He whispered into Sirius’s ears.

“I think so.”

“windows upstairs?”

“I don’t know.” Sirius said. His mind was racing. Someone was here but as hard as Sirius tried, he couldn’t detect anything over the strong scent of earth and rain. Remus’s nose flared as he breathed, sniffed out whatever he’d detected. He pulled Sirius close and moved to the other end of the kitchen wordlessly enchanting the windows. Sirius could feel the outside world focus out.

“Go upstairs.” Remus whispered.

“NO!” Sirius whispered back.

“Do not argue.” Remus’s eyes blazed. “They might try and hurt you. Go up. Cover me.”

“Remus.”

“Just go. Do not attack unless I’m on the verge of dying. And close everything upstairs.” Remus whispered. “GO!”

Sirius knew he was quieter as Padfoot. Noiselessly he transformed and padded up. He enchanted all the windows shut and waited as Padfoot by the stairs. He heard Remus open the door, wand at the ready and step out. “Ivan.”

“Lupin.” The man at the door said. Sirius could see the man’s brown hair. “Greyback sends his regards.” He was muscular, well built and almost as tall as Remus. Remus in comparison was lean-he almost looked fragile compared to Ivan.

“What do you want?” Remus asked.

“The plan is in motion.” Ivan said. “Details are in here.”

“What has this got to do with me?” Remus asked and Sirius could hear the hind of strain in his voice.

“You know, I don’t trust you. I can almost smell your repulsion.” Ivan spit out. “You think you’re better than us, you fuck.”

“There is no need to be vulgar.” Remus said calmly.

Ivan spit again. “Consider this as your initiation. You fail and I will have a jolly good time tearing your head off.”

There were a few seconds of silence but Ivan wasn’t leaving.

“Tell Greyback I’ll be there. Anything else?” Remus asked.

“I really don’t see what Fenrin sees in you. You’re a whiny, pathetic piece of shit. You went to Hogwarts and you still lack manners. Can’t even call in a mate for a beer.” Ivan was getting restless. “ Didn’t your foul dad and muggle mother teach you how to treat guests?”

The taunts made Sirius’s blood boil.

“I don’t drink beer.” Remus said and even before Sirius understood what was happening, he heard a loud thump followed by Remus’s choked, ragged breathing. He gagged.

“Fuck you.” Ivan said and walked away.

Sirius barely waited five seconds before racing down and closing the door shut with magic. Remus was curled up in the ground, hands around his stomach, a puddle of vomit beside him.

Fuck.

“Rem..” Sirius charmed away the mess and pulled Remus close. He pushed up his shirt and muttered a few pain relieving charms over Remus’s stomach. Remus groaned.

“Sssshhh..” Sirius pushed aside Remus’s hair from his sweaty forehead and held him close, fighting all instincts to run after that bastard and catch. Remus had good reflexes. Sirius had no doubt Remus had let Ivan punch him but why was the question. But it was a question for another time.

“Drink this.” Sirius conjured up a glass of water and Remus sat up, wincing.

“Sorry you had to see that.” Remus coughed as he took a sip of water. “ And thank you for not going after him.”

“I figured that was not the point. I would’ve loved to Crucio the bastard.” Sirius’s winced as he recognized the sharp edges of Orion’s voice in his. Remus seemed taken aback too.

Remus held out his hand, “The letter.”

Sirius looked around and found a crumbled envelope. Wordlessly he handed it to Remus.

Remus tore it open, read and possibly re-read it five time. Still breathing raggedly, he just said, “Greyback.”

“I pretty much got that.” Sirius said. But he wondered how Greyback found the shack? “How did he find us? What does it say?” Sirius asked. He’d been looking at Remus, trying to read something in between expressions but his face had gone completely blank.

“I need to go. You need to stay here and lock up. Do not go anywhere.” Remus winced and got up and dressed in a jeans and shirt both of which belonged to Sirius and hung too loosely around him. “Do you understand?”

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked.

“Dumbledore. He needs to know this now.” Remus was at the door. “They found us means they followed me in and out. It means Greyback doesn’t trust me and I’m being followed. Stay inside. Please.”

Remus didn’t wait for an answer. He tapped his wand and opened the door, locked it behind him and Sirius heard a series of enchantments being mumbled from the other side, none of which he could make out.

Fuck. He was locked in. What if something happened to Remus? What if one of Greyback’s followers caught up with him and murdered him? Sirius sat down beside the door. He was tempted to blow up the house and follow Remus but he was afraid he might end up doing more harm than good and so he stopped himself and prepared for a long wait.

***

Sirius, obsessively, had been chewing on his nails, drawing blood on all ten fingers when he heard taps on the door. Hurriedly he got up, holding his wand out but when the door opened, it was Remus. He sighed in relief. It’d been two hours. “Are you okay?” He asked.

Remus nodded. He looked tired, shoulders drooping as he locked the door behind him. “You better get out a bottle of firewhiskey and pour us both a drink.”

Sirius stared at him for a while, holding his breath and then finally moved. He cracked open a bottle, poured them both a drink on the table and sat down opposite to where Remus had.

Remus gulped the entire glass in a go and winced as it burned his throat. He held the glass against his lips and let the burn subside before he spoke. “Greyback is planning an attack next moon, June 20^th. He deliberately places people close to villages and when they transform, they kill most people who come across them and turn the rest who survive. He wants me to join him. It’s a test.” Sirius saw him placing his palm on his mouth as he turned a grayish shade of green in the candle light. “Dumbledore…wants..” Remus got up and stood by the sink. “He wants me to go.” He hunched over and vomited in the sink, struggling to breath properly.

Sirius himself felt sick at the idea. How could Dumbledore ask this of him? Sirius couldn’t think anything beyond that. He couldn’t imagine a blood-thirsty Moony running around a village, killing people. It would be the death of Remus if he hurt anyone-which Sirius guessed was Greyback’s motive. If Greyback doubted Remus for working with Dumbledore, then this was his plot to push the headmaster and see the results. And this is Dumbledore pushing back.

He heard Remus gag a couple of times before he washed his face and sat before him again. He looked like he would pass out any moment.

“He’ll send backup with me. I won’t be alone or so Dumbledore says.” He said softly. “The details will be discussed in a meeting tomorrow.” He sighed. “And we have to move. I don’t know how Greyback managed to track me. I am sorry but we have to move.”

“Remus.” Sirius whispered. Remus had nothing to be sorry for but it seemed so inconsequential at the moment. “Remus.” Sirius said again. It seemed too fragile, scared, strong but really brittle at the same time.

Remus hung his head and massaged his neck with his palm. “Sirius, I…”

Sirius felt like he was tumbling down some abyss. He found himself sitting at Remus’s feet and looked up to see his eyes squeezed shut. At that moment, Sirius was ready to do anything for Remus. He’d kill Greyback, Dumbledore and anyone who would manipulate his lover like this. He’d walk through the gates of hell and return if that’s what it took to keep Remus safe. He would not let this happen. He went up on his knees and pulled Remus close as he heaved great sobs. He felt no impulsive flash episode of anger. It was a calm fire that’d started burning in him.

He would not let this happen.

**

Sirius found himself disoriented. There was only a candle burning at one end and it was too hot. Had he fallen asleep? For a second he couldn’t remember anything but when he found himself sleeping on the kitchen floor, everything became painfully clear. But what had woken him up was Remus. He was lying on his side shaking, one hand over his other shoulder and the other one stretched out. He was groaning, face contorted in pain. “Dad...Help…dad…DAD!!

Remus was dreaming about the night he’d been bitten. Greyback had bitten him on the shoulder and dragged him out. Fuck!!

“Remus.” Sirius shook him. “Come on, wake up. You’re dreaming.”

“Help mee…” Remus’s eyes fluttered open and Sirius saw cold terror. He’d never seen Remus so scared. “Get away from me.” He tried to push Sirius away.

“It’s only me, Re. Only me.” Sirius moved back a little. “You’re okay. You’re safe.”

Remus sighed. “Siri…” He dropped back on the ground and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“No.” Sirius crawled back to him. “ Let’s go to bed?”

Remus nodded. Sirius pulled Remus up and they crashed on their bed. Remus landed on his stomach, resting his head on his hand and his eyes settled on a distant point. He stared at nothing, unblinking. It seemed that within hours, he’d grown leaner, face hollower, dark circles under his eyes. Sirius wanted nothing more than to reach out and embrace Remus to try and take away the horror he might be feeling but as he reached out to touch him , Remus flinched, eyes apologetic, stopping Sirius in his path.

“It’s okay.” Sirius whispered.

They laid side by side, he didn’t know how long. The concealment charms on the house dulled most the sound from the outside world. It was like being in suspended animation-they could be the only people in the world, everything else burning or they could be traveling at the speed of light between stars and they’d forever be twenty. Cooped up in this shack always made him imagine impossible scenarios; the possibilities, endless. As the candle flickered on the bed-side table, the only things Sirius could hear above his own thumping heard was Remus’s ragged breathing and the sheets rustling as he tossed and turned.

“Do you want a sleeping potion?” Sirius whispered.

Remus groaned a no. They make him groggy and sluggish; Sirius knew that.

“ I can’t let you go alone.” Sirius said against his better judgement. There was a chance Remus would explode and tell him to go fuck himself because he wasn’t anyone to let Remus ‘ do’ anything. Remus did what was needed to be done because he fucking owed Dumbledore. Always the martyr. Sirius hated it sometimes- Remus sense of nobility.

Instead he sighed and in a chocked voice said. “I am alone in this, Sirius.”

Sirius wanted to whack him on his head. How many fucking times did he have to tell Remus that that statement was absolute bollocks? “I have some weed left off…”

“Yes.” Remus said before Sirius completed. He got off the bed and lit up a few more candled before bringing out an old tin box from under the bed. The clock said 1 in the night. Remus pulled himself up and rested against the headboard. Silently Sirius rolled up a joint and as he held it to his lips, Remus leaned in and lit it up with a brush of his fingers. His eyes were glassy and lingered on Sirius’s lips but he moved back before Sirius could act.

As they passed the joint between them, Sirius gathered up the courage to talk to Remus about the spells Lily had given him. “There’s a spell Connexion Spirituelle.” He cleared his throat as Remus looked up at him. “Sprirt..”

“I know what it is.” Remus said.

“So, you know what I am going to suggest.” Sirius took a long drag. He was already getting light-headed.

“Yes, and you know what I am going to say.” Remus sighed. “It’s too risky.”

“It’s not.” Sirius said adamantly. “Greyback can’t possibly know..”

“Why do you think he can’t? Just because he didn’t go to Hogwarts?” Remus bit his lip, tearing out skin, probably contemplating how to say something he believed Sirius wouldn’t understand. “They’ve lived their entire lives in the wild and that has sharpened their senses beyond what any of us imagine. They can smell magic in the air, off people. They have let their instincts take control of them and in turn have controlled their senses. Greyback can smell and remember his possible victims. How do you think he found me? There were four children around my age in our old neighborhood. Why didn’t he attack any of them? Why do you think he could single me out? Even in wolf form, they know. They know who their targets are. He followed my dad’s scent and found me.”

“How do you..”

“He told me.” Remus said and took a drag.

Whatever little high Sirius had achieved was gone. He’d never really thought about what conversations Remus might have with his maker-his imagination was limited to diplomatic talks. He’d never imagined Greyback telling Remus how he bit him. It sent shivers down his spine.

“Besides, I don’t think Greyback is doing this on his own. What if Voldemort is involved? He can read mind and I might not be strong enough to block him. We’ll both have targets on our back.” Remus slid down the bed. Sirius doubted if the weed had any effect at all; he’d personally never been more sober but Remus yawned.

“Well, then I’ll come with you.” Sirius said already knowing the answer.

“No.” Remus simply said and Sirius didn’t argue. What was the point? Soon he heard Remus’s breathe even out.

Sirius sighed. At least one of them would get some sleep. He saw the clock and it said half past three. He wandered around the house, and couple of times looked at the spell Lily gave him. He was tempted to perform the spell. Remus would be furious; he would be murderous but the work might’ve been done but the fact that Remus thought Greyback could detect the smell on him stopped Sirius. He would torture Remus, possibly even kill him and Sirius had to support himself on the kitchen counter at the thought. But what if Remus hurts, kills or even worse turns someone? He couldn’t think beyond that. Remus would go insane, kill himself if that happened. No one would be able to save him, no love, no logic, nothing would save him. As Sirius saw the sky grow crimson, he could only think of one thing. He peeped into their room and saw Remus fast asleep. He broke through Remus’s protective charms on the door after fifteen minutes of trying and stepped out. He locked the door up with charms again and apparated in front of James and Lily’s safe house. He realized it was a bad idea, anyone could’ve followed him but right now he was too desperate. He felt the magic around him as he entered the church’s protective charms and knocked at the door. Within seconds James’s voice whispered from the other side. “Who is it?”

“It’s me James.” Sirius whispered. “Animagus. Padfoot. I only changed half during my first attempt.” He added impatiently. “Just open up.”

James peaked from behind the door, wand at the ready but dropped it when he saw Sirius. “Mate, what’s wrong?” He opened the door to let him in. Lily was standing behind, wand in her hand as well.

“I’m sorry..I..” Sirius didn’t realize he was palpitating.

“Breath.” Lily said as James pulled him to a chair.

Fuck. He needed to stop this. These panic attacks came at the most inopportune moments. James put a glass of water in front of him and Lily rubbed his back.

As he found himself breathing properly, he told James and Lily to sit down.

“Greyback is planning an attack. They’ll turn children, kill people-I don’t really know what else. He sent Remus a letter saying this and he want Remus to join him.” Lily and James gasped.

“Surely Dumbledore…” Lily started.

“He wants him to go.” Sirius added. Lily looked horrified.

“No.” James pushed back his chair and started pacing. “Absolutely not. Remus will kill himself; he’ll never forgive himself if he hurts someone. Moony will be uncontrollable around human blood.”

“James.” Sirius said looking at Lily. It was a lot to ask. With a kid on the way, Sirius was being way to selfish asking this but he had to do something. They needed to do something. “I need your help.”

“Anything.” Lily said before James did.  

“I’m sorry for even asking this…” Sirius looked down in shame.

“No. Don’t be Sirius.” Lily said. “ We can’t let Remus walk into this alone. If he wants to walk into this?”

“Of course, he does.” James sighed. “He ‘owes’ Dumbledore.” Sirius saw how his fists curled up at the words.

“What do you want to do?” Lily asked.

“I don’t know. All I know is that we have to stop Moony from hurting anyone.” Sirius sighed.

“Okay. Yeah.” Lily sighed. Sirius could literally see the gears in her head start working as she, probably, chalked out a series of information they needed to gather. “Let’s start at one place. Where will the attack be?”

“I don’t know yet. And I don’t think Remus will tell me even if he knows.” Sirius said.

“When will it be.” James asked. “June full moon?”

Sirius nodded but he didn’t miss the knowing glance that passes between James and Lily. They were worried. Of course they were. There was a kid on the way. Lily would be almost eight months pregnant. Pulling James into this was insane. “I’m sorry.” Sirius said and got up. “This is a bad idea. You shouldn’t be involved.”

“No, Sirius.” James caught his hand. Sirius stopped, breathing heavily. “It’s a death sentence James. I don’t know what to do.”

“I know and I need you to know that I..we want to do this.” James said. “We’re family, Sirius.”

“But Lily, the kid and if something happens..” Sirius looked at Lily, belly protruding from her grey satin nightgown.

“It is for him. For his uncle Moony.” Lily said.

“For the nth time, Lily..”

“It will be a boy, James. You’ll see.” Lily rolled her eyes.

Sirius gave a watery laugh.

“ So we need certain information.” Lily said finally. “ Like-where the attack will happen and will it be predetermined or will Greyback decide it that day. And will trained Aurors be present to control the situation.”

“Remus said Dumbledore will send people. I assume he meant Aurors. But details have not been decided. There’s a meeting today.”

“Where?” Lily asked.

“The meeting? I don’t know. They don’t discuss this at the headquarters so I have no clue.” Sirius pulled his hair. He basically knew so little about Remus’s day to day work.

“Okay, mate, sit down.” James pulled him to the couch.

“It’s fucking five in the morning. I’m really sorry.” Sirius felt a helplessness that he hadn’t felt in a while. Everything was out of control. People have started disappearing, dying-his brother and now Remus and then the kid! Sirius buried his face in his hands.

“It’s okay.” Lily whispered as he rubbed his back.

Sirius looked up at her. She looked tired. What else had he expected! She’s carrying a kid that might be destined to kill an adult dark wizard, hellbent on killing wizards he deemed unworthy and all of these had been prophesied by some Divination professor applying to teach at Hogwarts. The kid hasn’t even seen the light of day. It sounded bonkers. “I’m not an expert at pregnancies but I’m quite sure you should be resting. Not entertaining this..” Sirius waved at himself.. “while it’s sill dark.”

“ Did you put that connection spell on Remus?” Lily asked.

“He doesn’t want me to.” Sirius sighed, “And from what I understand, it will put him at risk.” Lily looked confused so Sirius added reluctantly, “He says Greyback can smell it on him.”

“What?”

“ I can’t risk it Lily.” Sirius nodded his head. “Greyback will kill him.”

“Hot chocolate.” James sounding contrastingly cheery placed a cup in front of them. “Do you want one, Lily?”

“Nope. Too early.”

No wrong time for hot chocolate, Mrs. Potter used to say. Instinctively Sirius looked at James and saw him smiling and from the way his eyes gleamed, Sirius knew they were both thinking the same thing.

“Never a wrong time.” Sirius whispered and took a sip. Warmth rolled down his veins and he could feel himself calm down. James must’ve mixed some calming herbs in it.

“Okay listen.” Lily said. “Sirius, if you can convince Remus to let him try a spell, any spell that will bind you two in some way then there’s a chance you might be somehow be able to track him. It’s a lot of work. But we can try.”

“I’m guessing there’s a second bad option here.” Sirius said. What Lily had said right now wasn’t and option-after last night he was sure of that.

“I looked up. There are spells to track footprints, apparitions, words and…well..” Lily hesitated. “Dark creatures like…werewolves, vampires, inferi..they can be tracked. Black magic has traces that can be tracked. Avensegium could work but I don’t know over what distances it will plus we need something inconspicuous that…. ”

“It’s too much of risk, anyone might be able to see what we’re are doing.” James said.

“The rest- it doesn’t require Remus to participate?”

“No.” Lily said, “But you have to practice the dark arts. These might be very dark spells.”

“I’ll do it.”

“Sirius, just talk to Remus once, yeah?” James said, troubled. “It’s too dangerous.”

“I have to do it, James.” Sirius said. Fuck if it’s dark magic. He would do anything to keep Remus alive. “I can’t lose him.”

“You might lose yourself.” Lily said softly.

“Fuck that.” Sirius said. “Where do I get the spells?”

“I think you will get them in your..at Number 12.” James said, looking apologetic.

“I don’t understand.” Sirius said. Whatever good the hot chocolate had done was gone.

“The original pureblood families had huge libraries, like we do at Godric's Hollow, ancient books that had been passed on through generations.” James said, “But mum and dad didn’t keep the ones on dark arts but Number 12 might have those books.”

Sirius couldn’t remember anything about Numbers 12’s library. Yes, they had one, he knew that, but he can only remember getting glimpses of it through a crack in the door as he passed by, Orion’s huge shadow pacing, boots clicking on the floor, thick smoke from expensive cigar swimming in the room, Walburga’s occasional voice as she agreed or disagreed to something Orion said. But those days were gone. His parents were dead, brother was dead.

“I’ll go and check.” He said, mouth dry. He would be fine. He had to be. Remus’s life depends on it.

“Pads, this is…I can come with you.” James said. “To Number 12, I mean.”

Sirius nodded. He could use the company. “ I don’t know when Remus will leave. After he does, I can come get you.”

“Sure.”

“I should go.” Sirius said. It was almost seven.

“Maybe we could talk to Remus?” Lily sighed, massaging her temples. “This isn’t right.”

“It’s too risky for you to go out, Lily.” James whispered looking slightly scared.

“I know, James. God, this is so frustrating.” Lily grind her teeth.

From the way, James looked at him, he understood Lily had been more frustrated lately and who could blame her! Sirius couldn’t imagine what she might be going through, carrying a child whose density had already been foretold, being cooped up in a place she didn’t belong to, no contact with the outside world. He would’ve gone insane had he been in her place. What should’ve been the happiest period of their life had turned out to a nightmare, a constant struggle to stay alive, keep the child safe not to mention Lily had to see everyone training for missions, going out for paroles, risking their lives every day. Sirius knew how she hated being caged but it was the best and only thing she could do.

He came back to find Remus still sleeping, curled into himself. He made a cup of coffee and tea and went to wake Remus up. Normally he would let Remus sleep but he felt restless. He needed Remus. He placed the cups on the bed side table.

“Hey, Rem.” Sirius placed a palm on his cheek, stroking his cheekbone softly. Remus sighed and turned. “What’s the time?”

“7:30.”

Remus grunted. “What happened?” He asked. “You never wake me up.”

Sirius didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He just took Remus’s hand in his and stroked circles on his skin. Remus sighed and sat up, joints popping. Wordlessly, Sirius handed him the tea and sipped on his coffee to swallow the lump in his throat. Remus was staring at him, unblinking. Finally, Sirius looked up as well. There were so many things they both wanted to tell each other, or so Sirius believed but none of them could. Words seemed to be lost on the precipice of this doom. Remus placed a hand on his cheek and with his long fingers traced out Sirius’s eyebrows. Sirius closed his eyes against Remus’s fingertips. Merlin! Remus hadn’t done it in ages.

“I’ll be okay.” Remus whispered without a shred of conviction.

“Remus, please let me put the spell..” Sirius begged.

“No. No.” Remus kept his cup on the bed, where it tumbled, wetting the covers, and cupped Sirius tightly around the neck. “We’ll both die.”

“You and I-we’re both pessimists but you- you are always calm and calculative about these things. You seldom do anything regarding transformations- hell regarding anything- without thinking about it a hundred times. So tell me. Tell me how you plan on coming out of this alive?” Sirius asked and perhaps for the first time he saw a whole lot of uncertainty in Remus.

“I haven’t worked out all the logistics yet. Okay?” Remus sighed. “And maybe I don’t need to, maybe Dumbledore will do it.”

“I don’t fucking trust him.” Sirius held Remus by the wrist. “I don’t.”

“He will certainly ask some Auror to trail me. I will tell Dumbledore to instruct him to put me down if I even come close to hurting someone.” Remus said as if it was some sort of quidditch strategy.

“Put you down?” Sirius pushed Remus’s hands away. “PUT YOU DOWN?”

“For fucks sake, Sirius…”

“Don’t you start.” Sirius cut Remus off. “ I am not the one being unreasonable here. Fine. You want to be put down?- Tell me what happens when the Auror freaks out at the sight of a dozen, I don’t know, may be more, werewolves? Tell me what happens if he can’t identify you? Tell me what happens if you kill someone? Tell me what happens if you infect someone?” Sirius was on the verge of tears. Remus wasn’t a monster. He was just a man with an affliction but his words, no matter how desperate, sounded wrong to the ears. Remus would never hurt someone. Never but the world had to be protected from Moony and Remus had to be protected from himself. Sirius was pacing in front of their bed as Remus’s face grew colder.

“Scared I’ll become the monster they say I am?” Remus asked coolly.

And here we go, Sirius thought.

“But this is almost what you pushed me to do when you sent Severus to the Shack. Are you annoyed that it’s Dumbledore pulling the strings this time?”

Sirius froze. It was like someone had poured ice down his throat. How could Remus say this? After all this time, was he not forgiven? Had it all been a pretense- a show of love and affection? Would all his love and devotion never be enough for Remus to forgive him? And to compare this situation with the incident of the shack- how could Remus? But no- he wouldn’t drown in this. Not now- not when greater things were at risk.

“Well I have always loved you knowing what you are- man, beast, monster whatever you call yourself and as you’ve so wonderfully put, I suppose I am no less of a monster myself. All I hope is you come home not hating yourself because I do for what I did to you.” Remus seemed to be taken aback. Clearly it wasn’t the response he was expecting. Unless… “ You are trying to be hurtful.”

Remus looked down at his hands, lying idily in front for him. “Sirius, you must understand, if I do something wrong, I won’t be coming back.”

Sirius wished he was shocked but deep down he knew, he knew Remus would say this sooner or later. At least this was reason enough to return to Grimmauld Place. He would do whatever dark magic needed to be done to save Remus. “So that’s your grand plan then- kill yourself?”

Remus got up from the bed, walked over to Sirius, took his hands in his and kissed him. It was like saying goodbye. “I love you. You, James, Lily, Peter- you’re the best things that could’ve happened to me. You showed me that I can be loved. I love you, Sirius and if there’s a slightest chance of me coming out of this alive- I will. I promise. Okay?”

“I love you but I can’t let you die.” Sirius said as he pulled away. This won’t be goodbye. “ You do what needs to be done and I’ll do what I have to do.”

Remus looked surprised. “ What..?”

“Yeah. Both of us have these secrets that we don’t tell in the name of protecting each other. But it’s gonna break us apart one day. Do what you must but I will not stand in the side lines and watch you kill yourself.” Sirius wished he could’ve said more, begged Remus one more time to put the connection spell, kissed him, hugged him-anything that would have the slightest chance of undoing the inevitable, but he couldn’t. He turned away. Number 12 was his best bet now.  

*****

“I can do this alone.” Sirius said as he and James stood in front of Number 12. It was a lie. He didn’t want to go in alone but he felt guilty about jeopardizing James.

“No, it’s cool.” James said. “Let’s go.”

Sirius tapped the on the door to unlock it. “We go in straight to the library, get what we need and leave.” Sirius whispered a Lumos to see in the dark hallway. He felt a chill settle in his bones as the smell of dust, dark and black magic permeated his cells.

“Don’t need to tell me twice.” James whispered. “What about your house elf?”

“What about him?”

“Wasn’t he supposed to look after this place?”

Sirius didn’t reply. He didn’t want to narrate what had happened after the funeral.

“Here it is.” Sirius stopped in front of the black oak door intricately carved with leaves on numerous tendrils. He remembered how as a kid, the door had seemed alive-like waves of energy coursed through the main branches, pulsing and the leaves moved, changed patterns-arranged and rearranged themselves-a riddle that changed constantly, added and subtracted information. He knew he had to tap specific leaves in a specific pattern to get in but he’d never actually known the code. He’d stood behind a tapestry once and seen Orion get in but that was over half a decade ago. It couldn’t possibly still be same.

“How do we open it?” James was constantly asking questions, presumably because he was nervous, Sirius could feel him fidgeting, shifting on his legs and it unnerved Sirius.

“James.” He whispered. “I know this is not the cheeriest of places but I need you to not be so nervous and fidgety. Be alert but please be calm. I hate being here as it is and I wish I hadn’t dragged you into this. But please, you’re making me nervous.”

James sighed. “Sorry. This is just…something’s wrong here.”

“Yes. It’s the black magic, there’s too much magic in the air, there always has been. I’d hoped it would’ve faded after Regulus and…anyway..it’s just the magic.” Sirius cleared his throat. “And keep your voice down as well.” He didn’t want that hellish portrait to start screaming again.

“Okay.” James whispered. “How do we get in?”

“I don’t know the pattern. If I do something wrong Merlin know what curse will be fired at us!” But Sirius knew there was another was and though he hated Kreacher, it was his best option now.“Kreacher.” Sirius could barely raise his voice but thankfully Kreacher materialized in front of them with a pop.

“Master Black.” He said disdainfully. “James Potter. Blood traitors. How my mistress would be displeased if she could see blood traitors step- ”

“Kreacher.” Sirius hissed. “ Shut up.”

Kreacher mumbled something under his breath but Sirius paid no attention to it. “Open this door.”

The elf hesitated. “Master is a nasty ungrateful swine who broke his mother’s heart.”

“Open the door, Kreacher.” Sirius wondered why he didn’t listen to him right away. As the last living Black, Kreacher was bound to be obedient to him.

But eventually Kreacher traced out a complex pattern with his dirty pointed nails and the door clicked open.

“You can go, now.” Sirius whispered.

“Kreacher lives to serve the noble house of Black.” As he was receding into the shadows, Sirius called him again. “You should eat and take care of yourself and the house.” Sirius found the words odd considering it was directed at someone who had practically been his mother’s instrument of torturing him throughout his childhood. He saw a spark of surprise in him as he disappeared from view.

“That was…cheerful..” James cleared his throat.

“Let’s just get over with it.”

For the next couple of hours they poured over books searching for anything that might help them. Sirius had never been allowed in the room before and he didn’t know they possessed so many rare and ancient texts. They were carefully charmed to stay intact. For a lot of books, the preservation magic had begun to fade. Sirius guessed that after Orion died, Walburga didn’t look after them. If Orion had taken half as good care of his kids as he did with the books, maybe things wouldn’t have turned so disastrous.He found certain books that just recorded history-no dark magic, no prejudices,-just simple information documenting incidents. It was truly fascinating. But then there were books that recorded violence against the so called dark creatures. How house elves came to be at the bottom of the social chain, bound to obey other people their entire lives, how they were breaded for the wealthy and powerful, inhuman violence against goblins-no wonder there were so many revolts. There seemed to be no end to violence in the magic world- Vampires were hunted and killed, giants were tortured, witches who were considered ‘too dangerous’ were put down and then there were the werewolves. Bile rose to Sirius’s throat as he came across a moving picture of a werewolf being beheaded in the ministry. It had apparently been banned since the last century.

Fuck.

Sirius realized he was shivering as James spoke. “You okay?”

“It’s freezing in here.” But Sirius wouldn’t dare to light a fire in the fireplace. Even that could go wrong in this house.

“Yeah. I found four books that could be useful.” James said. “You?”

“Two.” Sirius sighed.

“Padfoot.” James struggled with words. “These are too dark. The spells- they require a lot of ingredients and portions that you need to drink and its…corrosive. These could literally burn you inside out if it goes wrong.”

Sirius knew James was right. Even the stuff he’d read was scary but what was he supposed to do? He didn’t reply.

James put the books in a small bag that was charmed to be big on the inside. “I didn’t know your dad was a death eater.”

Sirius looked up at him, surprized. “What?”

James pointed his finger at a spot behind Sirius.

Fear gripped his heart as he turned back and saw a black robe handing from a spot on the wall, the half skull mask set in place below the pointed black hat. It could almost be alive. Sirius hadn’t known he’d lived with one. His parents had always been supporters of Voldemort and before him, Grindelwald but why had Orion not proudly exhibited that he was a death eater? “ I never really knew them anyway.” Sirius’s voice sounded strange. “Let’s get out of here. It sickening.”

As they were leaving, they heard a thud in the kitchen. Both of them froze. It wasn’t Kreacher. He’d always been as silent as dead. Sirius gripped his wand and saw James do the same. “Kreacher” He whispered but the house elf didn’t appear. For a split-second Sirius thought about just grabbing James and rushing out of the door. Whoever was in the house could burnt it down for all he cared but there was a chance they might be followed and James and Lily’s safety could be compromised.

James ducked just in time as a spell hit the opposite wall. Sirius saw where it came from but couldn’t see the person. “Expelliarmas.” Sirius saw a death eater mask. Fuck. He started attacking without hesitation as did James.

“Go towards the door.” Sirius shouted at James over the blood curling screeches from his Walburga’s portrait. They just had to hold off the attacker long enough for them to get out of the house. Then Sirius could seal off the door with spells. That should give them enough time to escape. A few spells were narrowly missing him, one hit him in the cheek, he could feel the skin split open as warm blood oozed into his cheeks. “James! Out!!” He pushed James out the door and closed it and immediately enchanted it with spells they use in the shack’s basement to keep Moony safe. Sirius grabbed James, his thoughts flying at the speed of light. They couldn’t go back to the church. The shack was already compromised.

Fuck.

They landed in chest deep water, waves crashing over them. He’d tried keeping a tight hold over James but amidst the heaving water, he’d lost his grip. He frantically searched for James, panic gripping him-what if he’s splinched and can’t swim; fuck, he’ll drown but then he saw James swimming a few feet away from him, looking around equally frantic. “James.” He shouted in relief.

“You okay?” He asked.

Sirius nodded.

“How the fuck did someone get inside Number 12?” James asked as they waded up to the shore. “ They couldn’t have followed us. We took too many detours. And something was off. It was like he wasn’t even trying to attack-I mean he was but he missed too many we were in a small corridor, he sould’ve..”

“I don’t fucking know.” Sirius replied. It didn’t seem like the Death Eater wasn’t trying- not with the gash on his cheek burning from sea water, still bleeding. Everything, every location seemed to be compromised. Did Regulus give up his where-abouts before being killed? He’d expected people to come snooping because now it was common knowledge that he’d betrayed Voldemort but to get inside the house required specific knowledge that very few people possessed. The enchantments weren’t broken so the person must’ve know how to get inside. It had to have been someone close to Regulus who he would’ve trusted enough to give access to the house. Everything was fucking falling apart.

“Where are we?” James asked as they made it to dry land and he spelled their clothes dry. “Padfoot, You’re bleeding.” James tried to get a closer look but Sirius moved away.

“About a mile from our shack.” He said. “Let’s go.”

“Sirius we shouldn’t..”

“It’s already compromised. Greyback found us, you’re hardly going to kill us.” Sirius said.

Sirius was relieved when he saw Remus wasn’t back home yet. He couldn’t let Remus know what he was planning. Sirius sat down on the chair, his ears ringing from the adrenaline wearing off as he locked shut the door behind them.

“Every location is compromised Pads. We need to find some place else for Remus and you to move to. If Greyback found you, it isn’t going to take Voldemort a lot. Hell he might even know by now if we are to assume Greyback is working with him.” James handed Sirius the bag full of books. “This is too dangerous. I can be here when you do this...” He pointed at the bag.

“You’ve done enough.” Sirius sighed. James could’ve been killed today. “It’s getting worse every time I involve you in something. I can’t…James, I just can’t…” Sirius hung his head in his hands. He had never felt so close to losing control of his magic. He feared burning down the shack if he made one wrong move.

“Padfoot this isn’t on you..” James placed a hand on his knee. “Look at me, Sirius.”

Sirius did, albeit reluctantly.

“None of this is your fault. We both could’ve died..”

“James, I don’t have a kid on the way…” Sirius’s eyes were burning. “ I can’t lose you, James….I can’t lose Remus…I can’t lose anymore and the kid…I can’t let him down even before he’s born..I can’t.” He felt choked, saturated with grief and dread and yet there was still more just waiting to begin it’s assault. “You need to go.” Sirius said between breathless sobs. “You need to go and be with Lily and I will take care of this. Both of you have done enough. This location is compromised as well and your being here is too risky. I will do the spell and I will fill you in with details later when we meet at HQ or at the Ministry.”

“Sirius…Don’t…” James sounded hurt. “Let me help.”

“Please James.” Sirius rubbed at his eyes. “This isn’t safe.”

Both of them jumped at the sound of tapping on the door and as Remus entered, they stood stunned; deers caught in the headlight. Remus looked puzzled and then his voice trembled in dread as he asked “What’s going on? Where is Lily? Is everything…?”

“Everything’s fine” Sirius said. “James was just leaving.” The flash of pain and disappointment on James’s face struck him but Remus couldn’t know anything about what was going on. James looked at him and nodded in resignation with a sigh.

“Don’t go Remus. It’s far too dangerous.” James said as he patted Remus on the back.

“I’ll take care, James. Give my love to Lily.” Remus said not looking away from Sirius.

James sighed and disapparated with a pop outside the door. As Remus was locking the door, Sirius took the opportunity to stash away the small bag.

“You told him?” Remus asked.

“Yes. They would get to know soon enough.” Sirius said.

“I leave end of next week for the camp.” Remus said as he set water to boil on a kettle.

“And what is Dumbledore’s plan?” Sirius asked as lit up a cigarette to keep both the pleas and bitter words from spilling out.

“There isn’t one yet.” Remus said. “He’s working on it.”

“Right!” It sounded more sarcastic than he’d intended and Remus paused only for a second before he resumed his tea making.

“What is going on Sirius?” He finally asked. “We just agreed yesterday-no secrets.”

Sirius scoffed. “No. We didn’t agree. You just told me to not keep things from you. But you just keep piling up on those yourself. You and Dumbledore always have something planned out and no one else is privy to it. No one knows what you really do. It’s all hush hush but you expect me to bare my soul to you.”

“Stop being so bloody dramatic.” Remus said dismissively and it hurt, more than Sirius would care to admit. It fucking hurt. “Not everything’s about you.” Remus continued. “I have to keep a constant check on you-worrying my head out that you’re gonna do something reckless that will jeopardize us all. You with your steamrolling emotions and temper…you’re just a constant thing I have to worry about all the bloody fucking time.”

“Well if I’m such a bloody nuisance for you, why the fuck don’t you just leave?” Sirius shouted. As dusk descended on them, Sirius could relate to the angry red colour of the sky visible from the kitchen window.  

“This is my shack, you know?” Remus said calmly though Sirius thought he saw a flash of Regret as soon as the words were out.

“So that’s it? You want me to go? Tell me Remus!” Sirius said. “Tell me you want me to leave and I’ll go.” Remus hesitated and a part of Sirius was terrified that Remus might actually tell him to leave.

“No, Sirius.” Remus sighed as his voice shook. “ I didn’t mean it.”

But Sirius couldn’t get the seconds of intervening silence out of his head. There was a time when they’d thrown themselves at each other, begging and kissing and praying to stay because each other was all they had.

“I just..” Remus began but stopped.

“It’s okay, Remus.” Sirius laughed mirthlessly. “This, all this, none of it matters anymore isn’t it?” Sirius asked waving his hand around.

“It does.” Remus stepped closer to him. “ Sirius it does. You matter to me.” His voice trembled.

“Not more than Greyback. Not more than Dumbledore.” Sirius said. He hated himself sometimes-hated his constant need to feel loved and feel loved by Remus. He’d let Remus have him in whatever way he wished; Remus could slice his throat open in the name of love and Sirius would believe it. So when Remus with a trembling voice and glassy eyes stepped closer to him and tilted his chin back to whisper into his mouth that he mattered more than anyone else, Sirius took it like a parched pilgrim stranded in the dessert-he gasped as the words poured from Remus’s mouth into his-dripping down to fill his soul.

And then Remus stripped him down as darkness surrounded them and they fucked on the kitchen floor. Sirius could barely see him by the fading purple light and it was without a single word or warning that Remus was inside him, pinning him down too hard and going in and out of him. Remus’s fingers on his hips in a bruising grip held him down. Remus wouldn’t let him move.

“Remus..please..” Sirius wanted him to go faster but the words failed him as Remus leaned down and thrust, eliciting an involuntarily moan, his back arched up, his hips wanting to match Remus’s rhythm as he settled his heals on Remus’s back and pulled him in further. In the dark, Sirius traced his way up Remus’s shoulders and slender neck and unshaved cheeks to finally weave his fingers through Remus’s sweaty curls and tugged at them, pulling Remus’s face in to kiss him.

As Remus thrust in and out, Sirius’s cock violently quivered in the friction between their stomach and he saw colours popping up in his vision as his eyes landed on the slit of moon light that peaked through the window now and settled on Remus. He looked like a shadow, looming over Sirius. It’d been a long day and he was anxious and tired and restless and frightened and he didn’t think he could hold on much longer.

Sirius could feel Remus’s buildup as he bit down on Sirius’s lips, drawing blood, their foreheads pressed together and with one deep thrust Remus came inside him, grunting and moaning against his lips in his mouth.

Sirius worked his hips, tightening around Remus’s cock still inside him and then Remus took him in his hand, stroking him. Sirius came all over them, moaning as Remus kissed him and whispered something Sirius couldn’t quite pick up against the blood pounding in his ears. Remus was gasping over him, his hands quivering where they were holding him down, sweat dripping down his chin.

Remus pulled out of Sirius and collapsed beside him, still panting.

“Remus, honestly, do you want me to leave?” Sirius asked. It was better this was, in the dark when they couldn’t see each other. He was still terrified of the answer, but he needed to know. The sex had only been a distraction form things they’d spoke in the heat of the moment but in Sirius’s experience, what people say when they’re angry is who they really are. Other times its pretense, civility covering up darkness but with Remus he never knew.

“No.” Remus whispered and fumbled in the dark to grab his hand. “No. I..I..” He faltered.

“You want me to tell you everything but you won’t..” Sirius finished.

“ Can’t. I can’t.” Remus sighed. “I’m scared.” He whispered at last.

Sirius wished he could’ve said something then, or even kiss him again, in the dark, with their sweaty bodies pressed against each other, reassured Remus with love or touch-but as his blood, pulsing in his cheeks, burned and itched the gash he’d received earlier, he was reminded that no place was safe, or too far from the clutches of this evil that hunted them now. There was no end to this. Only in death would this stop now.

Chapter Text

“So, did you make it?” James asked as they were leaving the Ministry after training.

“Not yet. I still need some things.” Sirius lit up a cigarette. “Will drop by later at Knockturn Alley to get those. By the way, we’ll need your invisibility cloak.”

“Sirius..” But James was cut off as Peter caught up with them. They hadn’t yet told Peter about Remus’s missions with Greyback. Sirius couldn’t think why they hadn’t told him yet. Peter had just become distant lately; not that he’d tried but then, he’d never really discussed anything very personal with Peter directly. James always told him and they would usually just pick up from there. But this time even James hadn’t said a word.

“Hey, Peter!” James patter him on the back.

“Do you two have some work right now?” He asked.

“Not really,no. Why?” James asked.

“I thought maybe, we could have a drink together. Been ages.” Peter replied.

“Sure. Sirius?”

“Yeah.” He sighed. He still had an hour left before his rounds with Fabian started. He could go to Knockturn Alley tomorrow. The full moon was still six days away.

***

“How is this supposed to work?” James asked as he paced and pulled at his hair.

“I don’t exactly know. I think, I’ll be able to see what he sees and then, I’ll apparate to where ever..” Sirius was still reading the book, repeatedly, trying to retrace his steps and check for errors. He couldn’t change anything now though, there was no time. The full moon was tomorrow.

“How the fuck is that even possible!” James said, exasperated.

“It’s black magic, James. Anything is possible.” He said, rather calmly, deceiving even himself. But he’d long resigned to the fact that this might kill him and it wouldn’t be the worst case scenario.

“How in Merlin’s name are you so calm about it?” James stopped and looked at him. He was terrified out of his mind. “We’ll find another way, Padfoot. I’ll come with you and we’ll ask Dumbledore, we’ll beg him. We’ll torture Cornelius-he seems to know everything these days. Please Padfoot..”

“James, relax.” Sirius mumbled, turning a page.

“Look at me, Sirius.” James shouted, startling him.

“What the fuck, James!!” Sirius put down his book. “What the fuck do you want me to do?”

“Not this.” James waved his hands around at the stack of books, pages, spoilt papers, scattered paraphernalia and the final product-a jar of black liquid kept in a tub of ice so that its temperature didn’t increase and decompose it.

“I have to.” Sirius said. “What wouldn’t you do to save Lily, James?”

“Sirius, Remus is…”

“..going to turn into a blood-thirsty werewolf and I have to save him from himself and I have to save some kid he might kill or turn.” Sirius said, nodding his head as grotesque, heart shattering images of his recent nightmares played out in his head.

“I was going to say, ‘trained by Dumbledore’.” James sighed and sat down beside him. “I don’t think Remus would’ve agreed to this had he not been at least a little sure of himself.”

“No, James.” Sirius sniffed. “He almost said goodbye; said he’ll tell Dumbledore to instruct the Aurors to ‘put him down’ if anything goes south. I can..” He choked. “I can’t live without him. I can’t.” He pressed the heels of his palm to his burning eyes. “I know this can kill me. I’ve always been shit at Potions but I owe it to him to try.”

“I’m coming with you.” James said, squeezing Sirius’s shoulders and he agreed quietly. He didn’t have the energy to go into another argument right now. He knew what he had to do when the time came.

**

Sirius stood at the porch, smoking a cigarette in the late afternoon sun. The moon was supposed to rise in two hours. The air was still and humid, hanging in the air around him, his constant sweating just seemed to suck away more energy. He’d barely slept in the past couple weeks. Even before Remus had left, they’d fought, gone on radio silence and fucked on repeat whenever they’d been together. After Remus left for the camp, everything had, as always, felt too empty and he’d felt too tired- too tired to eat, too tired to cook, too tired to take bath, too tired to get out of bed each morning and then at night he’d lay awake in the sofa for hours, unable to sleep and when he did manage to get any, he was plagued with nightmares of the uncertainty that was about to follow. He was dangerously close to a tipping point and this was the worse he’d felt since the incident of the Shack.

A couple of minutes later he saw James walking up to the shack from behind the trees. “The flat’s keys.” James handed him a key ring. Sirius and Remus needed a new flat since this one was no longer protected. James had offered the flat he and Lily had taken just after graduation-before the constant moving and hiding started. “I’ve checked it, put some spells. It’s been out of use for a couple of years, it should be safe for you. And here’s the cloak.”

“Thanks.” Sirius nodded as he felt the smooth cold fiber in his hand. “What ever happens James, whatever happens to me, you find Remus and keep him safe.”

“Padfoot..”

“Promise me, James. I’d do anything to keep Lily safe if you asked. Please you..”

“I will, Sirius. I will.” James sighed. “He’s my friend too you know?”

“I know.” Sirius cleared his throat, taking the last drag from his cigarette. “I’m sorry. I just..I’m tremendously insecure, you know that. You aren’t. You trust your and others’ instincts equally. I’m not that person.”

“It’s okay. I will do it, I promise.” James was constantly shifting on his legs, a nervous habit. “Kingsley’s covering for me today-told him Lily’s sick. You?”

“Frank.” Sirius’s fingers and toes were tingling, he was scared, terrified and felt so alone but he had to do this alone. He couldn’t put anyone else at risk.

As he put the glass flask to his face, took a deep breath and gulped in down in a go- he told himself that it was all for Remus.

In between the bitter aftertaste in his tongue and the heart burn, he couldn’t tell if the sudden rush of blood in his ears or the frantic beating of his heart was because of his nerves or the corrosive concoction he’d just taken. He felt slightly queasy, unsteady on his feet. He supposed James caught him. His skin was on fire as he saw colours pop up in his vision. Darkness cornering him. No. No. Something was wrong. Was it supposed to be like this? This felt very close to a crucio, only this time it was inside him, something pumping through his heart, spreading through his veins and filling the space in between cells. A pain started at the bottom of his neck but quickly overtook his entire head, ripping at his neurons, breaking and rearranging them. It was too much, he couldn’t separate the pain in his hands from those in his legs, it was just a mass of white-blinding pain, a constant screaming at the back of his head.

And amidst that he thought he heard Remus’s voice.

REMUS!!

He had to concentrate on that voice. It could lead him to Remus. He willed himself to focus but as the pain reduced, forming a constant back ground dull ache, he found Remus’s voice shifting in and out of focus. He forced his eyes open, the light around him instantly send spikes of pain through him. James was holding him down, horrified and scared.

“Padfoot.”

Sirius could barely hear him above the clashing noises in his head, the constant ringing in his ears, foreign voices.

“Are you okay?” Sirius nodded to the muffled voice. James was pulling him up but he couldn’t feel his legs. The room tilted as he stood, the colours around him looked strange.

“The moon is about to rise. Sirius!!” James was shouting but he tried to concentrate on Remus’s voice and the overlapping images he could see. He had to see where Remus was. After moon rise it might be impossible for him to know.

“Lupin, stay here.” Someone told him. Remus was terrified-Sirius could feel it-the dread spreading through him as well. But Remus was looking at the sky repeatedly, checking to see if the moon was up yet. His target had been set. From behind the low branches of the canopy he could see the house. The light was still on.

Yes!! Sirius saw the house. He could apparate there and run to the nearest hiding spot he would see. Fuck! The place could be surrounded by Greyback’s comrades. But there was a possibility that they wouldn’t concentrate themselves around one house, choosing instead to target the entire village to maximize damage.

“Sirius what do you see?” James was shaking him by the shoulders.

“I have to go.” Sirius’s steps faltered as he walked towards the door. He didn’t have a proper footing. Could he do this alone? But he couldn’t take James with him.

“Where? What are you seeing? Can you apparate us there?” Sirius took a deep breath to steady himself as he opened the door and braced himself for what he’d have to do.

“I’m sorry, James.” Sirius pushed him back inside even before the shock registered on James’s face. He locked the door with a muggle lock and then enchanted it shut.

“Sirius, You son of a bitch! No!!” James banged and pushed against the door and then Sirius heard him shout spells to break the enchantments. James could break out in fifteen minutes but Sirius would be gone by then and James wouldn’t be able to track him. James would be safe. “ Sirius, I swear I’m gonna burn this house down.”

“I’m sorry, James.” Sirius repeated. He could see the house as Remus was staring at it- his fear and apprehension spread through out Sirius as well. He took a deep breath, imagined the house and disapparated. He landed a little far from the house behind a couple of trees but he could see the front door from his vantage point. He had to get to the back-where the bedroom windows might be. Sirius waited a while, wand at the ready, checking if someone had realized any external presence due to his apparating. But wouldn’t Remus be able to smell him even if he was under the cloak. He could fell Remus getting weary, the moon would be up any minute now. Sirius only tracked a whiff of Remus but there was no one else close by. Weren’t there Aurors stationed to prevent this?

Remus had a side view of the house so Sirius decided to move to the other side. As soon as the moon rises, he would change positions and Remus would be too preoccupied to notice. Excruciating seconds ticked by but Sirius wasn’t prepared for the splitting pain that arrested his head as the moon peaked.

Fuck! This was the pain of Remus beginning his transformation. Sirius apparated to the other side as another wave of pain crashed over him, bringing him to his knees. He doubled over, withering in pain as heard Remus’s screams in his head. He could feel the bones breaking in his body except they weren’t and this pain was all in his head-Remus’s pain- that he was feeling. This is what Remus felt every month!

Remus! He pressed his palm down on his mouth, he couldn’t shout. He would be made. But the pain-it was excruciating-blinding him. He couldn’t differentiate one second from the other, what he was seeing from what Remus was seeing through his transforming eyes. There seemed to be no end to it- amidst the pain, his heart broke at Remus’s pain. How could someone live with this every fucking month! He turned over and puked, his insides were on fire-he couldn’t breathe or hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Everything seemed to be suspended for a while.

Eventually the ringing in his ears seemed to be subsiding, the pain receding as he realized he was curled up on the ground, gasping, drenched in sweat, leaves and dirt sticking to him. But the voices and double images were gone. Only a dull static pain seemed to envelope him but he could ignore that. He pushed himself up on his knees and looked at the house- there hadn’t been any movement yet. He concentrated and turned into Padfoot. He found a faint essence of Moony-he was close; but there was no movement. Had Remus really gained control of Moony?

An explosion made him jump. He turned around to see a house on fire a little way down and then commotion ensued. Sirius’s attention was constantly split between the house in front of him and the one from which he could now hear screams. His focus was Remus- to prevent Remus from hurting anyone without giving himself up. If anyone knew he was here, both their lives would be in danger.

Within minutes there was another explosion and Sirius realized with horror that there was not a werewolf in sight but death eaters! They were attacking villages and a dark mark was already hovering above the first house.

This was all wrong.

In the summer heat, the fire spread rapidly across the village and people came running out, screaming and then the werewolves surrounded them. Sirius turned back and ran out to the house but he was too late. A death eater had apparated and blasted off a part of the house. A kid in his pajamas and his mother came running out, screaming.

“Get back! Get behind me!” Sirius shouted as the death eater cast the dark mark and then saw Sirius.

“Well, well! If it isn’t my cousin.” He recognized Bellatrix’s voice. “This will be fun.”

Sirius blocked her spells as the kid and his mother stood stunned. They were muggles, obviously. “Run. Run!” Sirius fired away spells at his cousin but his mind was constantly on Remus or the lack of him. Where was he? Telling them to run could’ve been a mistake but at least at Remus’s hand the kid might live. Bellatrix was sure to kill them off.

Then Sirius saw the Auror members apparate and start fighting against the death eaters. But a few werewolves were already closing around them-freaking them out. Sirius was looking around for Remus, while dancing around as Bellatrix hit him with spells too fast for him to counter. And then he saw a spell hit her on her left hand.

“Black! What are you doing here?” It was Kingsley. Fuck. “Get away from here. You’re not trained for this yet.”  

Sirius backed up and ran towards the woods. He changed into Padfoot in one jump and ran where ever Remus’s scent took him. The kid and the mother were long gone. As Sirius ran along the edge of the burning village, hiding in the shadow of the trees, screams filled his ears. The raging fire spewed thick smoke blurring everything after a few feet. Aurors were fighting the death eater, attacking the werewolves but Remus was nowhere to be seen. He screeched to a halt as he saw a werewolf closing in on a child, curled up under a tree, scared and crying copiously. Quietly Sirius positioned himself to jump upon him if the child was attacked.

And attacked he was. Sirius jumped just in time to throw off the werewolf. It caught him off guard- made him furious and he let out a deep grown before attacking Sirius. With Moony it was easy, he knew Padfoot, played with him-but this was a full-grown werewolf trying to kill him. This was very, very different.

Sirius saw a man tiptoe towards the kid and tried to keep the werewolf distracted long enough for them to escape. The man pulled the kid up but pointed his wand towards them.

NO!!!

Even before Sirius could move aside, a spell hit him on the chest, throwing him back against a tree. Warm blood oozed and trickled down his back. The man disapparated with the kid but the werewolf was furious. He slashed Sirius across his chest, his yellow animalistic eyes looked down at him before he got distracted at some noise coming from deeper in the forest.

Sirius changed back and spikes of pain shot through him. Before he lost consciousness, his last thought was how he only wanted to keep Remus safe but had so royally fucked everything up.

**

“Sirius..Sirius can you hear me?” It was James. He wanted to say yes but he couldn’t move or talk or even see anything. He tried to open his eyes, move his fingers but something was wrong- he couldn’t feel anything and eventually everything just kind of went out of focus.

“What were you thinking, James?” It was Dumbledore. He sounded furious. “ And now he’s missing.”

What! Sirius’s heart leapt at his throat. Remus couldn’t be missing. No! James!! James!!

“Sirius?” It was James. “ Hey, can you hear me? Open your eyes.”

He tried. He had to but the slit of light from his where his eyes opened sent jarring pain up in his head making him groan.

“Close the curtains.” It was Lily’s voice.

“Why isn’t he speaking? Sirius, please.” James sounded on the verge of tears and it broke Sirius’s heart. James never cried, not unless he was in acute pain.

“Just give it some time, baby.” Lily said, Lily could sense her moving closer to him. “Hey, Siri.”

Sirius knew he had to open his eyes. Something was wrong. Remus was missing and James and Lily were really distressed. It cannot be good for the baby. He had to let them know he was okay. He forced his eyes open, but it was dark now and everything was hazy, he couldn’t make out anything other than blobs of colours.

“Sirius.” A patch of dark hair moved close to him. “Hey, can you hear me?”

Sirius wanted to say yes but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth, instead a cough caught in his throat. It felt like his throat was being cut open, dry and raw.

“Move aside.” It was Poppy. Wait, what? “Drink up, Mr. Black.” Some nauseatingly bitter portion was shoved down his throat but he felt better instantly as his vision cleared.

“Sirius.” James looked down on him, brow drawn together in concern. “Hey.” He added quietly.

“Hey.” Sirius replied quietly. “I’m sorry about..”

“You idiot.” James wasn’t even angry, just sad. “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“I couldn’t..”

“Mr. Black.” Sirius was cut off by Dumbledore as he asked James to move aside. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

“Professor Dumbledore..” Lily was presumable asking him to stop talking but he continued.

“ You compromised a secret mission and put everyone involved in danger and now Remus is missing.” Sirius felt like someone had ripped his heart right out. “ Greyback is in the wind and presumably on Voldemort’s side and he might have Remus held captive or Merlin knows what goes on in the twisted minds of such people.” And Sirius couldn’t help but notice how Dumbledore seemed to insinuate that Remus might’ve been one of ‘such people’. As swiftly as he came, he was gone leaving Sirius with James and Lily.

“James, I…” Sirius wanted them to tell everything, he needed them to understand that he had no choice and then about how everything went south. He was pushing up from the bed but couldn’t. He felt paralyzed, numb and empty where his muscles and bones should be.

“Sirius, it’s okay. You need to rest.” Lily sat down on a chair beside his bed, he could turn his head he noticed.            

“Why can’t I move?” Dread pooled inside him as he thought all the immature black magic had gone wrong and left him paralyzed.

“You’re badly injured, Pads. Madam Pomfrey is trying but you’re taking a lot of time to heal, like Remus, you know because some werewolf cut you pretty bad and…” James rambled on but Sirius couldn’t take it.

“Lily, am I…” But Lily must’ve realized what Sirius was asking. He eyes went wide as she reached out to touch his hand probably by he couldn’t feel it.

“No, Sirius!” She nodded her head. “Madam Pomfrey has you under a lot of sedation.”

Sirius sighed in relief. “Well, get me out of it, out of here.” If Remus was really missing, he needed to get out there and start looking for him. He had to make things right. “What?” He asked as he saw James and Lily exchange nervous glances.

“Poppy tried, Sirius, more than once, you just sort of…” James looked at Lily. “You are in a lot of pain. You were hurting a lot, even yesterday.” Lily added, her eyes were brimming with tears. “Oh, Sirius! I can’t even..”

“What?” Sirius suddenly started feeling groggy, his mind getting fuzzier. “ I don’t remember anything. How long was I out?” James hung his head and covered his neck with his palm. “James?”

“It’s seven days today. Sirius…” He couldn’t hear the rest of it. Remus was missing for over a week. No, this couldn’t be. It was all his fault.

No!

**

Sirius had been forced to stay at the Hogwarts medical wing for another six days. Initially he’d argued with James, Poppy, Peter and McGonagall, who’d initially looked quite stern and then just gave in and looked disappointed-Remus had always been her favorite and at any rate, he could tell no one had really expected him to act the way he had; like they had any idea; like even James or Lily did because staying with Remus in a dorm had been an entirely different experience for him as well but as soon as they’d graduated or even before as far back as the shack incident, Sirius could tell Remus had changed, something that had just magnified after graduation. Living with Remus outside the charmed, warm bubble that Hogwarts had provided was entirely different. While everyone else, even in the midst of the darkness and threat that loomed due to the war, tried their best to enjoy every day, Remus was just waiting for the other shoe to fall; always waiting to be fired from another job after another full moon, until he’d given up all together after Auror training had gotten more intense and starting paying a minimum money as it did to all senior trainees-But there he was still just waiting around for something bad to happen. Sirius knew, Remus couldn’t help it any more than he could help being so hopelessly in love with Remus and so he’d agreed, adjusted, allowed everything Remus wanted to feel until he was suffocating with the burned that Remus carried on his shoulders and even then he’d opened his arms and held Remus.

Sirius got the entire horror episode laid out to him by James and Lily. The point of the mission, as Dumbledore said was to gain Greyback’s trust through Remus. But he hadn’t foreseen Greyback organizing something so grand of his own volition. So, when Remus had got the letter, Dumbledore had thought he could use the opportunity to get an audience with Greyback and see what he was planning with his own Legilimency skills, thus pushing Remus out of harms way. Dumbledore had also, apparently, foreseen that Greyback might’ve already sided with Voldemort and this was just a smoke screen and hence he’d arranged for the Auror to intervene if something went south. But everything had happened together- Greyback was already on Voldemort’s side, he was using Remus to get to Dumbledore just as Dumbledore had been doing all along, the entire plan, of the other side, was to create a chaos by burning a neutral land between the muggle world and the wizarding community, discrediting the Ministry and by some extension the Order and then to take just a few kids and turn them into werewolves if situation permitted. The Aurors were trained enough to fend off a few Death Eaters but the sight of huge werewolves had freaked them out and they’d caused more damage, spells killing more innocents than injuring the werewolves. Death Eaters had saved a few werewolves thus cementing an understanding between the two groups. They’d not been able to trace Greyback or Remus the next day but managed to bring a werewolf into custody but he had to be taken to St. Mungo’s because he’d been badly injured in the attack. He succumbed to his injured shortly after and then his death had caused a spark amongst the werewolf community and now Greyback, who had been feigning diplomacy could outright reject any call for a diplomatic treaty without any liability.

“Your being there didn’t exactly do any harm other than raise some questions as to why you were there. It was strictly Auror business, hushed at the Ministry, so how were you at the exact same place at the exact same time.” James smiled a little sadistically, scaring Sirius because James was anything but sadistic. “But it is good. He’s been sending Remus undercover for months now without being answerable to anyone.”

“According to Kingsley, the Aurors were sent because Dumbledore, at a moment’s notice, told the Ministry that he’d received an anonymous tip about the attack. They weren’t even prepared.” Lily sighed. “I’m partly glad Remus wasn’t there. He could’ve been taken into custody.”

“May be that’s why he’s in the wind. There’s a kid too, missing. A dead body hasn’t been found yet and well, it can be anything, Sirius.” James wandered off without insinuating anything.

“Remus would never.” Lily said sternly.

“I’m not saying Remus killed him, Merlin fuck Lily.” James said irritated. “He was my friend before he was yours. Greyback might have them hostage, might’ve killed the kid himself and is just waiting to put the blame on Remus. All of it’s possible.”

After the initial few days, Sirius stopped fighting and arguing, it clearly made James uncomfortable about not being able to help and Poppy wasn’t going to yield- she was, as James said, under strict orders from Dumbledore. So, he kept quiet, dug up in his head every spell he’d read from the books from Grimmauld Place and conjured up how he could implement them to find Remus. He had to find Remus. Every day as James came to visit him after training, Sirius died a little because there was, obviously, no new of Remus.

“You will tell me, right?” Sirius asked as Poppy was changing his bandages one day. She looked startled because Sirius was sure he hadn’t spoken in the last two days.

“Of course, I will.” She said, as she went back to her work without looking at him. “When have I hid anything about Remus from you since your second year?”

“Madam Pomfrey, I never meant to hurt him..” He started but was surprized when she replied, “I know.” Without missing a beat.

“I have known about you three for years and I know no one can survive wounds like this without being one.” She added. “No one knows because I saw how it helped Remus but do not think that I will hesitate to inform the Head Master about this if I ever find any hint of your involvement in anything ethically wrong form now on. She busied herself, grinding a few herbs in a mortar.

“If you know this, the you probably know I love him..”

“I do and I know you love him more than he will ever love you and for obvious reasons.” Poppy returned with a cream. “And he has to look out for himself, has to be careful. One can hardly blame him. But he does love you.” She said as he applied the cream on the cut at the base of Sirius’s skull.

“Thanks, Poppy, for being the keeper of these secrets.” Sirius was grateful and in awe at the same time. “And also, for looking after me like this. It’s a lot..” he didn’t want to get all emotional and apparently Poppy too preferred that as she finished for the evening and left Sirius to his own ruminations as evening gave way to the darkness of the night.

**

James helped him get to the flat he’d set up for Remus and him. It felt a tad bit awkward to stand alone when James and Lily had stayed for two years.

“Thanks, for all this..” Sirius motioned with his hand at the flat. He didn’t want to sound ungrateful but all he really wanted was to get down to finding Remus.

“You can come and stay with us.” James said standing awkwardly at the door to his own house. “We wouldn’t mind. Dumbledore has suspended you temporarily and your wounds haven’t exactly all healed...”

“James, I need to..” Sirius sighed and pulled away the sling that held his left hand in place, the muscle movement making him wince. “I need to be alone for a while.. to process everything. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to..” He was so fucking tired of apologizing and doing stuff that needed apologizing.

“Don’t drink too much or smoke or do something that can get you killed.” James picked up the sling from the ground and put his hand back in place.

“I didn’t mean to trick you.” Sirius’s voice cracked. “ I just wanted to keep you safe, James, I..”

“You don’t have to carry the weight of the world alone, Padfoot. I am here, I’m your brother, remember?” Sirius whimpered as he saw James’s glassy eyes and looked down, ashamed and hating himself for making James cry.

“You keep saying you can’t lose anyone, well look around, Sirius, I can’t either.” James held his arms and it hurt a little, but Sirius looked up at him. “Mum and dad are gone, Padfoot and we barely had time to make peace and say goodbye. You are my family and I can’t lose you. Padfoot, are you listening to me?”

Sirius managed to nod as a fresh wave of grief crashed on him at the mention of mum and dad.

“Remus, I don’t know why, isn’t allowing anyone to help him, fuck, Sirius he barely talks to me when he’s around and even Peter is always gone, his mum’s sick and I’m terrified of raising a kid in this world, a kid, my kid, who’s already part of a fucking prophecy about a Wizard Hitler and Lily and I are scared and I can’t lose you too.”

Sirius could barely look at James, his copious tears, were too painful to look at. James was always the strong one. Sirius always relied on him, leaned on him in time of need and desperation. It’d been like that since James had figured out that he was abused at home. It’d been his secret, his burden, an inside family matter that he never thought anyone could begin to understand let alone help him fight it. Buy James did, he listened when Sirius spoke- hesitant words, string of curses, broken words amidst copious tears- James had listened when he spoke and listened even when he didn’t speak James was he dry land amidst the stormy ocean, the only one he could anchor to. He realized, James understood loss a lot better now than he did when he was thirteen and he had the most to lose and it fucking terrifies him as it terrified Sirius. But Sirius realized he had to be there for James now. After a life time of giving and sharing a home and parents and love, James was finally pleading for help.

“I know you’ve lost a lot, Regulus, your mother, in whatever capacity and now Remus is missing but I need you to keep your wits and help me out here, Padfoot. I need your help. We will, when the kid come. Please, Padfoot.”

“James, Of course I will. Absolutely.” Sirius pulled him in for a hug. “I’m so sorry, I haven’t had your back. I’m so sorry, Prongs. And you have to know I already love your kid and I will do anything to protect him and Lily and you, unreservedly.”

“I know.” James replied quietly as Sirius tightened his arms around him. Eventually James calmed down and lightly patted Sirius, a tell-tale sign that he would be okay now.

“You send me a Patronas whenever you need anything, okay? I will be there. Tell Lily I love her and that I am sorry and I promise I won’t do anything reckless.” Sirius assured James, unsure how much of his promise he would be able to keep but he absolutely intended to keep it. He wouldn’t abandon James and Lily and their kid.

**

Sirius read all the books he’d brought back from Number 12, while continuously trying to judge which could be most effective to track Remus down. Poppy had told him to eat properly, which was not really a problem because there was a Thai place a few buildings down, one that they’d frequented right after graduation. He got brunch from there, daily and every alternate day he started visiting James and Lily where James shoved some fruits in his hand or asked him to stay for dinner and Sirius always agreed plus James always told him how he’d had another argument with Dumbledore regarding lack of information about Remus but the answer was always the same; there’s no news- he’s in the wind.

“I don’t know if he’s even trying.” Lily said with a sigh, she was stressed and it was showing. She was playing with the smashed potatoes on her plate.

Sirius already knew that and didn’t say anything. There were too many things that needed Dumbledore’s attention and Sirius was sure that Remus wasn’t on the list of his priorities.

“Lily, he said he has people looking for him.” James’s didn’t sound convincing but said it anyway not wanting to distress his now eight month pregnant wife.

Lily shifter uncomfortably on her chair, frowning as she took a few deep breaths and let out a whimper. For a moment Sirius assumed she was going into labor but as James got up and pulled her on her feet, her face relaxed.

“You look scared.” Lily laughed as James patted him on the back.

“I’ll get some green tea for you.” He said and disappeared into the kitchen.

“Relax, Sirius.” Lily said as she came and stood beside him. “I’m not going into labor.”

“Yeah. Got it.” Sirius smiled nervously. Situations like these made him uncomfortable, he never could figure out how to actually help someone who isn’t Remus. With Remus, he had spells, medicines, potions, bandages and tea ready, always at the tip of his wand, it was a routine he knew how to perform and he performed well; with everyone else it was instinct, a spur of the moment initiative and with his checkered history he didn’t exactly trust himself.

“It’s like a demo before the actual release of the album.” Lily winked as James got her a steaming cup of tea. Sirius knew he never really liked muggle music, but listened to anything Lily, Sirius and Remus played just because he was fascinated but the awe never lasted. Peter had a few songs he like and sometimes hummed but only absentmindedly. 

While reading all the books and stashing supplies for the potion he thought he could pull off himself, Sirius realized how different magic was than what he realized or was taught to them at Hogwarts. The books, while telling about the technicalities of potion making or the need for precision, also mentioned how important it was to perceive exactly how spells worked, whether it was a simple charm, a complex potion or a wooly attempt at divination-how the wizard perceived magic was important. Once that was in someone’s grasp, almost anything was achievable. James had picked out a book, that Sirius only later noticed had numerous techniques mentioned to do simple things. There were finger movements, simple feather light strokes of one finger over another and Voila! He could make a pen fly- there was no need of Wingardium Leviosa, it was just like Remus brushed his fingers to conjure up a flame to light up a cigarette or candle. Sirius had always assumed it was some non-verbal spell and his attraction towards a muggle lighter had curbed his desire to even ask Remus what the spell was- but it was this simple or maybe too complex magic. The book said, that it was all a manipulation of the elements of nature- move your fingers to turn the air around you, just like muggles do but the magic in a Wizard’s blood amplifies it and that is enough to make the pen fly. He tried it with a stray bit of parchment lying beside him and after a few tries he giggled like a baby when it just lifted off and floated around him. It was like he was a kid again, realizing he could do thing that seemed to defy how things worked.

And so, he wondered what else he could do to get a trace on Remus. There were numerous other spells to trace the so called ‘dark creatures’ but each one seemed more complicated than the last, not to mention, he couldn’t afford to end up in the hospital again. Every second he waits to heal, is another second Remus is lost to him. It was slowly killing him, filling with poison, emptying whatever life was left in him. The days when he wasn’t at James’s he couldn’t stand anything. His senses seemed to be working on overdrive, the city noises were too much, there was too much of sunlight, too much of summer cheer going around and it just seemed wrong. He cast spells to lock out the world and locked himself in something that resembled the shack, the silent calm of it. He played the Dark Side of the Moon on repeat, memories of him and Remus lying on their stomach in the Hogwarts dorm on an autumn afternoon, dreaming of having an extraordinary life as they hummed ‘And all your touch and all you see is all your life will ever be’, the record playing in an enchanted contraption that Remus had brought back from home, comforted him and helped him sharpen his focus on Remus. Apparently, that was important. Ultimately Sirius realized that he had least chances of killing himself with the potion he’d already used but now he felt he could modify the spells and train himself to focus better on Remus rather than the pain it would cause on his body. Last time he was under prepared, but now he had to heal a little before he could take the chance again and that gave him time to focus. There was still fifteen days till the next moon and he had to find Remus before that. As he changed his bandages one night, in the washroom, he looked at himself in the mirror and felt a pang of self-pity and loathing. He hadn’t noticed when he’d wasted away so much so that his ribs were now visible beneath the claw marks that he’d newly received. It nauseated him a little as his mind drifted to the werewolf attacking him, he’d focused so much on trying to save Remus that he hadn’t stopped to think what he would do if he was attacked by a fully grown werewolf.

Fuck! No, he wouldn’t think of this. He applied the healing creams Poppy had given him all across his still blue-green-violet skin, his entire torso was a crisscross of wounds and bruises both from the attack and the corrosive portion he’s taken. Poppy had looked at him, horrified, as he’d told her the constituents of the potion he’d used, in confidence, of course and nodded her head sadly. “You shouldn’t even be alive. Without practice and using potions like these without supervision have caused more deaths than any book ever dares to record.”

“I vomited it up later.” Sirius said, “Remus was transforming and I felt it..and just..”

“You wouldn’t have survived otherwise, it’s like a hot metal burning your insides and killing you slowly.” Poppy had shivered.

So now he knew that he would survive as long as he remained conscious enough to throw up the potion as soon as he got the relevant information.

As he’d done before, Sirius scrapped out the dry blood and furs Moony had left in the basement for the potion but he would have to do it right in the next few attempts else he would run out of Remus’s trace magic to track him.

One night after he returned from visiting James and Lily, he decided to give it a go. His body wasn’t hurting as much and he rationalized that he could risk it because he wouldn’t have to leave the house for the next two days. He sat down in the washroom by the toilet and gulped down the potion in one go.

It felt exactly like the last time, the burn that slowly spread through him only this time it wasn’t unexpected, the pain came in waves, intensifying and ebbing as Sirius, heart beat erratically in his ears contrasting the distant ringing he could hear. In excruciating agony, he waited, tried calming his heart so that he could hear Remus’ voice, or his thoughts or even see what he was seeing-but it was all just darkness and deafening silence around him. Intermittently he thought he could hear a bus honking but there was nothing distinctive. He shut his eyes tight, curled into his stomach to curb the nausea and concentrated on picturing Remus, anything that would give him a clue about his lover- but he didn’t get anything. Blindly he groped and managed to place his head in the toilet bowl as his body heaved violently, expelling the virulent, noxious poison from his body. Everything went dark afterwards.

**

When Sirius came about, his body ached and his wounds stung like they’d been ripped open again but when he put his fingers against the claw marks, no blood came up. Thank Merlin it was an internal issue, it wouldn’t show. He turned over and crawled inside the bathtub and opened the shower, the cold water soothed his skin, it burned and itched less. He cupped his palms together and drank the water, it felt weird, though, and with a start he realized it tasted like calcium, his teeth were wearing off! He spit out the water and hung his head, pulling his hair back, he felt like a mad man. He’d hoped it would work this time. He’d been better prepared but there was nothing from Remus’s side. Either Remus was blocking him, if that was even possible, he didn’t know because books never dealt with ‘educated, highly trained, dark creatures’ or Remus was dead and there was nothing to connect to and he couldn’t bear to contemplate on the latter. He couldn’t be dead. They would’ve found a body, right? Except there was no body for Regulus as well and the murdered had himself fessed up to killing him. He let out a wail that seemed animalistic even to him and turned into Padfoot instinctively. He curled up and let the water accumulate in the tub, aware that he was drowning bit by bit as water rose up to his nose. He inhaled and felt the water enter his air tract.

Fuck! No. He would try again. Remus wasn’t dead. James and Lily needed him. He turned back, coughing up the water from his lungs. He waited for his body to adjust to the shock that he was going to kill himself but had survived. It was strangely empowering-surviving his own attempt to kill himself. He stripped out of his tee and boxers, bathed properly, brushed his teeth and went back in the room to study the books again.

**

There was a single knock at his door, so silent, he wouldn’t have noticed it had he not muted the city sound from his windows. He grabbed his wand from the side, and padded close to the door. There was no movement beyond the door, the light outside casted no shadow on the thin slit of light that peaked from under the wood. Lying on the ground was a folded piece of paper that Sirius eyed warily, expecting it to explode but it just lay there, making him uncomfortable. After half hour of walking nervously around it and casting a few revealing spells, Sirius picked it up and almost collapsed on the ground.

Lying in front of him was a simple note:

Please meet me a mile off Tintagel Castle due East at 11 pm two days from today. I will find you.

It was signed R.A.B complete with an ink mark from the family ring that was given to Regulus when he started school at Hogwarts. Sirius had had one just like it but he’d left it at Grimmauld Place when he’d been blasted off the family tapestry.

For a fleeting moment, Sirius sparked up with hope-Yes! He knew his brother wasn’t dead and a white petalled wallflower with a central yellow disc fell at his feet on the ground. His magic had just conjured up a flower from thin air! Sirius giggled; he should’ve read the books in Number 12’s library long ago. But as he looked at the paper, his euphoria ebbed and he realized it could be a trap to lure him in. Voldemort himself had said he’d wanted the Black brothers on his side and now with Regulus dead he could be after Sirius. But the ring and the stupid acronym that Regulus had used when they were kids; Sirius was S.O.B. as Regulus had made it and Sirius never really like Regulus calling him SOB but put up with it because he secretly enjoyed that it made Regulus laugh. He said that R.A.B sounded kinda royal but Sirius never pointed out that they were practically wizarding royalty because he never wanted anyone, especially his brother, to be proud of a lineage that had produced mostly dark witches and wizards who throughout the ages were responsible for the most oppressive and unjust laws that had been implemented in the wizarding world.

He read the letter over and over, the curve of line, it was Regulus’s handwriting, no doubt but he couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Regulus Arcturus Black, his baby brother could, after all, be alive.

I will find you. Sirius heart clenched. Would he? Would he really see Regulus standing amongst breast high, wild grass, untamed in the sea wind, holding himself like he always does, tall and elegant and confident, aristocratic features sharpened in the moon light? He held the letter to his chest and wanted to let the magic in him decide- Would he answer to this seemingly impossible, possibly deadly letter that apparently had been written by his brother who Voldemort himself claimed he had killed who by Regulus’s own words was a master mind reader? Or should he ignore it, report it to Dumbledore because there were chances Regulus was just playing him?

With a sigh he realized that the entire world was conspiring against him and there was no way he was escaping this. Weather this was a wake up call or a deadly plot he would have to see for himself.

A long, empty, lonely road lay ahead of him.

Chapter Text

Two days later, Sirius went back to the shack, got up on his bike and flew down to Tintagel Castle. He guessed it would almost be a four-hour fly and would give him some respite from being cooped up in a flat all day. He could breathe a little, like his lungs’ capacity had increased the moment he flew up high. Far from London’s dusty, polluted, bustling streets, the cool air felt like a wave of sea wave on a sun-burnt day, washing away the humid, heavy air that seemed to take up space everywhere on ground. He relished the sensation of air, pushing back his hair, cooling his lips and skin from the constant summer heat that together with his body’s sudden incapacity to regulate his temperature, made him feel hot and cold without any apparent change in the weather. Damn the dark arts!

Somewhere after crossing Exeter, he started riding on the road. At night he might not locate the castle from the sky. He didn’t want to over-shoot and ride out on the sea. Outside the tourist boundaries, he found an empty spot and parked, sighing. He was still debating what he should do. He had a strong urge to do as he was instructed but a small voice at the back of his head told him to ride back. He knew he couldn’t. Even if there was a minuscule chance that Regulus was alive, he had to know, he couldn’t let Regulus down again.

Sirius strode across the wide grasslands, salty sea winds on his lips and hair, the stars shining above him, the moon washing down on him, it would be the full moon next week. Merlin! He missed the shack. He had less than seven days to track Remus down and here he was, chasing an incredulous letter, written by his presumably dead brother. The grass crunched under his boots. He ought to be more silent but he was getting anxious. He kept a tight hold on his wand. Constant Vigilance! If this was indeed a trap, it would be difficult to escape or even call for help. No one knew he was here and to the end of world there was only wide, inescapable fields, acres and acres of. He’d never been there before but knew the history of the Castle thanks to History of Magic and Professor Binns. King Arthur was conceived here, when Merlin helped king Uther sleep with Igraine, wife to Duke Gorlois of Cornwall. However, Arthur was taken away by Merlin because that was the treaty he had had with Uther and as usual heart breaks, deaths and power struggles had ensued and this passionate love, grief, death and betrayal made Tintagel Castle and lands surrounding it a well of magic and energy, most of it dark.

Sirius knew he was walking on hallowed grounds, the moment he touched his bike on the ground and the longer he walked, the stronger the pull of magic became. The lull of serenity he’d momentarily felt during the ride here was vanishing quickly superseding the pull of dark magic he felt in his blood. There was a distant ringing in his ears, a dull ache settling at the base of his skull as his body grew heavy. He found himself crouched on the ground, breathless. He needed to get out now.

“Brother.” Sirius jerked back to his sense. It was Regulus’s voice.

“Reg?” He could barely get sound out of his throat.

“Sirius, can you hear me?”

“Yes.” Sirius whispered and then realized that the voice was in his head. “Where are you?”

“Listen to me. Someone will bring you to me, okay?” Regulus spoke calmly but Sirius knew it was an order leaving no place for argument. “I trust him and you can trust him too. Do not fight him. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Sirius couldn’t think anything beyond that his brother was alive. He would do anything to see him again.  

“Black.” As Sirius became aware of his surroundings, he looked up to see a tall, hooded figure in black standing over him. The tone of his voice left no place for second-guessing the repulsion at whatever he was looking. With a jolt Sirius realized, he was crying, tears freely running down his face and he was on the ground on all fours but what practically made him stagger up and point his wand at the tall man was that all familiar voice, the one that he’d loathed all his life.

“Snape.” But Sirius was too slow, sparks singed his finger tips and his wand was in Severus’s hand. “Too slow, as always.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he practically yelled. “I swore I would kill you if I ever saw you again.”

“With what? Your bare hands.” Snape sniggered. “You rich brats think..”

“Enough.” Sirius interjected. “What are you doing here?” He asked.

“Taking you to your brother.” He put both the wands in his robe’s pocket.

“Reg sent you?” Sirius couldn’t fathom why Regulus, who claims to work against Voldemort would send one of his most loyal supporters. Unless..

“Please brother. Sirius this isn’t a trick. I need you to trust me.” He heard Regulus in his head.

“Unless you do not want to see your brother..” Snape meant to walk away. “..and this is just a waste of time.”

“Wait.” Begrudgingly Sirius followed Snape into the night.

***

They walked another mile to St. Nectan’s Glen ads stopped at the waterfall. Wordlessly he followed Snape as he climbed up the slippery rock and went in to the circle carved in the stone where the water had cut through. Inside he stepped on a road at the end of which he could see a shabby, run down shack, light escaping from the windows.

“Is he there?” Sirius asked, his heart threatened to explode. Regulus was alive and so close. Snape nodded and ran the last few steps. He pushed open the door and noticed nothing except his baby brother sitting on a makeshift bed. He threw himself at Regulus, holding him tightly as he struggled to no break down sobbing. Oh Merlin! If it wasn’t the sweetest thing in the world! Regulus was alive and in his arms.

“Sirius, I need to breath.” His brother’s voice broke through the thick cloud of emotion as he let go and dabbed at his eyes. As he pulled away he noticed how bad Regulus actually looked- there was a gash across his face, his right hand was in a sling and there were crutches by his bed. Sirius looked around at a loss of words. Obviously there was a lot he needed to know but this, Regulus’s state almost sent him in a panic attack, he looked worse than Remus after a moon.

“It’s okay. Calm down.” Regulus was looking at him but not speaking. “I trust Severus and I need you to trust me. Okay? Relax. We’re all safe here.” And for the first in in months Sirius actually felt the tension leave his muscles, whether that was due to Regulus or the soothing magic of this place he couldn’t tell.

Snape handed him a steaming goblet and Regulus drank from it, wincing. As Regulus began to speak, Snape handed Sirius his wand and took a seat at the far end of the room in relative darkness.

“Sirius, first, you need to understand, Severus and I, we’re against Voldemort but I’m not with the Order, Severus is. He’s helping Dumbledore because, obviously, the old man is black mailing him. He’s also with me.” Regulus said.

“Reg, how did you survive?” Sirius had to know, everything else was immaterial at this moment. “Voldemort said…he told us you were dead, Dumbledore told me you were dead. Merlin fuck, I buried an empty casket.” Sirius sighed. Now that he knew Regulus was alive, he couldn’t fathom how he’d gone through every day knowing his brother was dead.

Regulus sighed and Sirius saw him shiver. “I almost didn’t survive, Sirius.”

“They..they told me you’d been…that there was nothing left of you..And I..” Sirius’s couldn’t say it anymore.

“I lost a lot of blood, entire right side almost got blasted off. I wouldn’t have survived had Severus not found me.” Regulus was straining to breath. He took a deep breath and continued. “As you can see, I’m not exactly in the best of shape. Anyway, so I’ve been here since and he’s been helping me heal.”

“Why?” Sirius asked.

“Well, I‘m not exactly as selfish as you think, Black.” Snape said from the shadows.

“Really! You fucking sold out Lily and James’s kid to Voldemort. You bastar..” Snape dashed out of the shadow and towered over him before Sirius could understand what was happening. He wondered sometimes if Snape really was a vampire, he certainly had the speed and agility for it and now he looked paler than ever, if that was even possible for him.

“You and Potter don’t understa..”  But Regulus cut him off. “Both of you, back down. Now.” He said. “Sirius, none of us are saints here. You tried to kill him too if you remember and nearly killed Lupin and Potter in the process. You’ve paid your price; he has paid his and I’m paying mine. So shut up and listen to me.”

“I’m leaving.” Snape said from the door. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” He was out of the door before Regulus had a chance to reply.

“You can never get over your ego, can you?” Regulus looked at him disappointingly.

“He is the reason, a kid, an unborn kid is being hunted by Voldemort. He’d annoyed and abused and harassed Remus to the point where Remus couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I would kill him if I could.” Sirius couldn’t control the hatred the surged through him. “He got away with it while what I did caused a crack in my relationship with Remus, James and Peter. Now he’s put a kid on the front line and I can’t…”

“..and do you know what your so called ‘good’ side did. Dumbledore asked him to be a double agent. He’s the Orders agent amongst the Death Eaters. Do you know how many attacks he’s prevented?”

“Frankly, Reg, I don’t care. And I cannot possibly imagine what leverage Dumbledore has against someone who doesn’t give a damn about anyone. Shouldn’t Voldemort put a crown him or something?” Sirius was pacing now. Fuck! He’d let Snape walk away when all he’d wanted to do was punch him within an inch of his life.

“Are you so daft?” Regulus asked, genuinely surprized.

“Sorry?”

“You’re telling me, you really don’t know that he’s been in love with Evans all this time?” Regulus asked, an amused smile on his face.

“What?” Sirius couldn’t possibly comprehend the words he’d just heard. Snape in love with Lily?

“Wow! You people are thicker than you look.” Regulus sighed and laid down on his side.

Sirius kneeled down in front of him. “Are you okay?”

Reg nodded. “Just tired. Reaching out to you was tiring.”

“What happened? Please tell me.” Sirius pleaded, carefully taking his baby brother’s hand in his.

“Pretty much what I told you.” Regulus said quietly. Suddenly he looked like the five-year brother Sirius had cradled and cooed to sleep as they parent had a screaming match in the study.

“You’re eighteen, Reg, you don’t have to do this alone.” Sirius whispered as he carded his fingers through Regulus’s hair. “I’m here.”

“Will you stay?” Regulus said with glassy eyes. “I’m so tired.”

“Yeah. Of course.” Regulus drifted off immediately.

Sirius’s chest tightened at the state of his brother. The gash across his face, even after healing, would forever leave a nasty scar, if his leg and hand were taking so much time to heal, it was probably some nasty curse and could leave Regulus with a limp forever. He was just eighteen and he shouldn’t have to go through this pain or carry this burden at all. Sirius sighed and looked around. He didn’t want to break down, crying right now. He’d done enough of that in the past couple of months. His brother was alive and now he just had to find Remus. He looked around the shack- it was mostly full of herbs and supplies for portions. There were books and parchments lying around, clothes kept at one corner, very modest, muggle clothes and a small kitchen with nothing but bread. Oh, how the heirs of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black had fallen. Walburga would’ve had a heart attack had she seen the state of her most beloved son- ultimately both of them had chosen the right path though not the easiest. As Regulus’s body relaxed, Sirius went and stood outside the house for a while. He was quite sure the place was hidden inside out. It is said to be the place of hermitage of St Nectan. He was one of the most powerful wizards ever know, though benevolent and hence most text books never mentioned him properly. He never wrote spell books because he considered magic too sacred to write down for the following generations to modify and manipulate. He channeled nature’s forces, nothing else. Sirius felt at ease here, there was a certain calm in the magic that resonated within him in a good way. He breathed in the late-night air and smiled as he saw a tree light up with glow worms. He hadn’t seen glow worms since leaving Hogwarts. He remembered sneaking out to the lake at night with Remus, under the invisible cloak and sitting under their usual tree, kissing Remus’s sweet, sweet lips under the glow worms pulsing with the warm light above.

He didn’t want to think about anything right now. Whatever information he had he let it slip at the back of his mind. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs, praying he has the strength to carry on looking for Remus. He’s alive. He has to be. He’s loved Remus with every nerve in his body, with every beat of his heart and pulse of his veins. Even if Remus fell nothing for him, his love was strong enough to know if Remus was alive or not and his magic told him that Remus was alive, just out of his reach but he would reach out none the less. No matter how long it took, he’d find Remus.

He went inside and splashed water on his face. He still looked horrible, his cheeks were sunken, dark circles under his eyes, he looked malnourished even though he’d been taking care of himself but he really hadn’t washed his hair properly in a week. But Regulus was alive and it broke a smile on his face. He couldn’t recognize himself in the mirror.

A wail tore through the silent air around him, sending chills down his spine.

Regulus.

Sirius hurried out to find his brother thrashing in the bed, drenched in sweat and face twisted in pain.

“Reg, come on wake up.” Sirius sat down and pulled his brother in his lap, holding his hand down across his chest and whispering soothing words in his ears but Regulus fought against him. He wailed again and with a burst all the glass candle holders shattered.

“Reg, I’m here. You’re okay. Wake up. It’s just a dream.” Sirius whispered, holding his brother close.

With a jolt Regulus woke up and twisted strangely. “It hurts.” He cried. “Please make it stop.”

“Reg. It’s over now. You’re safe. You’re not hurting anymore.” Sirius held his brother forcing him to look in his eyes. “I’m here. You’re safe.”

He saw realization in Regulus’s eyes. “Siri?”

“I’m here.” Sirius’s heart broke at how helpless and in pain his brother looked. Regulus grabbed Sirius’s shirt and pulled him closer, burring himself in Sirius’s chest and broke down completely. He cried like a baby, numbing Sirius’s heart. He couldn’t bear to see his brother in this state. Voldemort would pay for this.

He would make Voldemort pay for this.

***

Over the next day, Sirius got supplies for Regulus who’d not been able to access his vault at Gringotts and had to live on whatever Snape could spare. So, Sirius got everything-food, clothes, toiletries and medicines and potions. He’d brought all the creams Poppy had given him for his wounds as well; anything that could possibly make Regulus comfortable, Sirius brought back.

“Siri, this is too much food. I’m not a giant.” Regulus protested but the way he opened up a packet of cake and ate, Sirius could tell, he was secretly pleased.

Regulus laid out all that had happened. He didn’t know how Voldemort knew there was a mole amongst the Death Eaters but initially when the rumors had started, both Severus and he had assumed that Severus had been made because he’d requested Voldemort to spare Lily and he’d rejected it. That idea, they’d feared, was enough to make Voldemort think Snape had turned on him. But they’d been horribly wrong. Someone from the order had information about Regulus’s betrayal, someone knew Regulus was planning something and leaked that to Voldemort.

During the meeting along the Norwegian Sea, the giants had gotten out of control. Voldemort ended up killing one and the other Death Eaters had disposed him off but the disobedience of a lesser breed pissed Voldemort off. In a fit of rage he’d cornered Regulus, ripped his mask off and would’ve succeeded in killing Regulus had Alastor Moody not attacked Voldemort at precisely the exact moment.

“I don’t know what he thought or why he did it.” Regulus took a shaky breath. “But it saved me. I remember the blast, the wave of hear ripping through me and I distantly remember the sea water burning everything..it was..” He cleared his throat as Sirius held his hand. “Anyway, when I woke up Severus had brought me here and I contacted you when I could.”

“It’s been more than a month, Reg.” Sirius said horrified. “You’ve been like this, so alone, all this time?”

“It wasn’t too bad.” He attempted at humor. “It was a respite from people and deception and looking over my shoulder. Honestly being dead, has been that best thing ever.”

“You could’ve reached out to me Reg..” Sirius sighed. “Fuck, none of this is right.”

“I couldn’t even get out of bed the first couple weeks and afterwards I wasn’t strong enough to reach you. I knew you wouldn’t trust Severus and then I heard about Remus…” Regulus trailed possibly because Sirius stopped, surprized.

“You know about Remus?” Sirius asked. “How?”

“Everyone knows. You caused quite a stir with what you pulled off. How did you know where to find him?” Sirius had a distinct feeling that Regulus had already guessed the potion, so he looked down, a little ashamed. It had, after all, caused a lot of problems. “You didn’t?” Regulus almost shrieked.

“I did.”

“It’s very complex not to mention you could’ve killed yourself. Are you barking mad?” Regulus smacked him on his head. “How did you get the formula, anyway?”

“I went back.” Regulus’s eyes went wide in surprise. “We got attacked.”

“It was you?” He asked surprized. Sirius looked at him curiously. “Severus was keeping an eye out on the house to see if anyone was tracking what I‘d been doing. He saw Dolohov go in and then later he saw two people escape from an attack from inside the house but he couldn’t see who they were. It was you.”

“I guess.” Sirius sighed. “We never could figure out who it was. Or how they got in.”

“That Severus had to do.” Regulus said and scratched his neck awkwardly. “Severus knows the address, we’ve been friends for years and he had to tell Voldemort that to gain trust after I disappeared.”

“That makes sense.” Sirius said but felt a tad bit uncomfortable. Everything seemed to be getting out of hand. If one plan was thought through and executed properly the next one went up in flames. They needed to get more organized. They’d have to start doing better.

Regulus obsessed about who the mole in the order could be. “Aren’t you curious?”

“Of course, I am, Reg.” But Sirius couldn’t say anything more. What could he say anyway? Only Regulus and he knew about Regulus’s plan. He hadn’t told Remus since after Regulus’s disappearance. Unless…. “Greyback knew you were meeting me” Sirius said in a hurry. Fuck! Why didn’t he put the pieces together faster?

“He did?” Regulus looked up at him. “How did you know?”

“When Remus came back, I..Reg you have to understand, I thought you were dead.” Sirius pleaded. “ I told Remus I was seeing you buthealreadyknew.” Sirius gushed out. “He told me Greyback had you followed and he saw you with me and fuck, Reg I should’ve known.” He sat down with his head in his hand.

“Damn, they’re getting good.” Reg sighed. “This is a disaster.”

“I’m so sorry, Reg, so sorry.” Sirius couldn’t apologize enough. It would never be enough.

“Sirius It’s not your fault.” Reg patted him on the back. “It’s not your responsibility.”

“But you are.” Sirius looked up, hot tears in his eyes. “You should be my responsibility.” He should’ve never left Number 12, he should’ve never left Regulus there, alone with those monsters, he could’ve stopped him from becoming a death eater, stopped Regulus’s tender arms from being branded with that vicious mark, he should’ve stayed and protected him, instead he ran away like the coward he is and now everything has gone to hell.

“Sirius.” Regulus looked at him with kind eyes. “It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you.”

Sirius realized he’d said it all out loud. “I’m sorry about everything.”

Regulus eventually told him that Severus didn’t know about the Horcrux issue, if it was even true. There was too much at stake. “I trust only you, Sirius.” Sirius’s heart had expanded and glowed at how Regulus said it. Sirius told Regulus about how Greyback had traced their shack and asked Remus to join them for a hunt and then what had happened on the last full moon.

“He’s missing?” Regulus asked incredulously.

“Yeah. I thought you know that.” Sirius said taken aback.

“I know about the attack and you being there. I didn’t know Remus didn’t come back.” Regulus said and Sirius understood what was going on in Regulus’s mind.

“Sirius, have you..” but he cut Regulus off.

“Regulus, don’t please.” Sirius sighed. “He’s not the mole. He can’t be.”

“But Sirius, it fills a lot of gaps. Greyback is one isolated incident even Dumbledore thinks there’s a mole in the Order and it can’t be him.” Regulus looked ashamed of what he was saying. “ I know you love him..”

“He’s missing. When we find him, you can read his mind and get done with it, not to mention Remus was training with Dumbledore in Occlumency and Legilimency. Dumbledore would’ve known if he’d been the traitor. He can’t Reg, please.” Sirius couldn’t begin to fathom any of it. Remus simply couldn’t be the traitor. He would rather die than betray his friends.

“How do you know he’s alive?” Regulus asked preparing some potion for himself.

“Just like knew you were alive.” Sirius hesitated. “ I think I’d know if he was dead.”

Regulus nodded.

Sirius helped his undress all the wounds and clean them. Some of them were still healing, bruises and angry red scars lines crisscrossed his torso, Regulus’s shallow breathing meant there were broken ribs which would only heal wit rest. He needed rest instead of making all his potions himself. There was a gash across his right calf muscles, that was making him limp, there was a fracture in his right hand. He couldn’t look at his brother’s body-it was too painful. He apologized every time Regulus winced. “For Merlin’s sake Sirius, it’s not your fault.”

“I can get all the necessary medical supplies from Poppy tomorrow.” Sirius mumbled as he put clear cream on the cuts on Regulus’s chest.

“No one can know I’m alive Sirius.” Regulus emphasized it for the thousandth time that day. “No one.”

“Yes. Yes, I know.” Sirius said tying the last bandage.

“So how are you going to find him?” Sirius could tell, Regulus had been dancing around the question all morning.

“Reg, you don’t have to worry about that…”

“Sirius.” Regulus sighed. “I was inside your head. I know you used the potion again.” A flash of anger and guilt swept through Sirius. “ I didn’t look inside you head, Sirius. I could feel how the Castle's magic affected you last night. It happens when someone use dark magic and is new to it. The power here pull you in, overwhelms you. It takes some practice to ignore it and even more to manipulate it to fit ones needs..”

“How do you know that?” Sirius couldn’t remember reading about that in a book.

“in the holidays, when you stopped coming back home, dad brought me here, trained me. I collapsed the first few times but it wasn’t so bad…” Regulus trailed off, though Sirius knew Orion must’ve humiliated him until he’d done what was asked of him. “Anyway, I thought I can use this energy well to destroy the Horcrux when we have it in our possession and also use this to find Lupin.”

“No, you’re not getting involved in finding Remus.” Sirius couldn’t let his brother risk his life again. “Why doesn’t Snape know about the horcrux?” He asked to change the topic.

“No. I don’t trust him enough with that.” Regulus sighed. “He’s only working for Dumbledore because of some emotion he has for Lily. He wants to save her but wouldn’t have a problem letting everyone else die including Potter and the kid.”

Not that Sirius had expected any different from Snape but Regulus looked disappointed. “He’s always been like this Reg. Even Lily thought he was different but..”

“He believes too much in Voldemort’s principles, bloody purity and all those idea about magical supremacy even though he’s muggle-born and a kid, unborn kid, is at the front line. It’s sick. Not to mention I…” Regulus struggled, “ I was helping the bastard.” I loath myself sometimes.

“Reg, no.” Sirius closed the book he’d been looking at and looked up. “You left of your own volition.”

“I have done horrible things” Sirius’s hurt at how ashamed his brother looked.

“Well, Reg we all pay for the bad we do.” He couldn’t curb his sarcastic smile. “But you’re doing what you can do better now. We all are.”

“Don’t you want to find, Remus?” Regulus asked. “You’ve wasted away, Siri, look at yourself.”

“More than anything.” Sirius sighed. “But you’re injured and you need to heal. I would’ve taken you to the flat but I know you’re safe here and I want you to be safe.”

“But I am.” Regulus said suddenly. “I need to do something. I feel useless and evil actually because I’m doing nothing good.”

“You’re not useless or evil.” Sirius hesitated. He had to apologize now for what he’d done earlier. “Reg, I’m… sorry.”

“About what?”

“About so inconsiderately asking you about using Number 12 as a safe house for James and Lily and then you…and we went back and got attacked…I felt so guilty thinking that you’d seen how selfish I was and decided to move against Voldemort alone and that it’d gotten you killed…Reg, I’m so sorry.” Sirius massaged his temple, thinking about all the nights he’d spent paralyzed with grief and guilt, thinking all he’d said and done that had gotten his brother killed. “And I’m sorry about everything else. I’ve been a shitty brother. Fuck, Reg!”

And before he’d had a chance to say anything else, Regulus pulled up his face, “Look at me.”

Sirius did and was suddenly transported to a fuzzy dark room. With horror he realized he was back at Number 12. “Reg?” He panicked.

“It’s just a memory Sirius. I’m showing you this. Relax.” Regulus said.

Sirius saw a baby Regulus sitting up on the bed, crying with his knees drawn close to his chest. Instinctively Sirius reached forward but the door of the room opened and a younger Sirius tiptoed in and scooped Regulus up, holding him as he cried.

“Mum and dad had been fighting during dinner. Dad was so angry and you’d excused yourself early and I’d just started crying. So mum hit me across my face and asked Kreacher to put me in my room. I’d tried to sleep but couldn’t.” Older Regulus said.

Sirius saw the younger version of him rock baby Regulus in his arms but he wouldn’t stop crying and then his younger version cupped his palm together in front of Regulus’s eyes and when he opened there was a tiny toy dog in his palm. Baby Regulus looked up in wonder as he picked it up and examined it.

“I don’t remember doing that. I don’t know that magic. I mean now but then..We were, what, seven and five then?” Sirius looked and looked at the image in front of him. It felt like an alien memory, something he knew he could’ve done but doesn’t remember doing.

“You did a lot of magic..before but then once the punishments got worse, you just sort of forgot. It slipped from memory. I asked you later once but you couldn’t and the it just slipped.” Regulus sounded sad.

The scene shifted, baby Regulus and Sirius were running across the upstairs corridor when Regulus tripped over a wooden table and the old picture of Grindelwald shattered on the floor. They stood shocked, Regulus turning a pale shade of green in fear.

“Go! Hide Reg.” Sirius pushed him back into his room as Walburga’s elegant yet looming figure ascended the stairs towards them.

“You, bastard.” Sirius was hunching over the broken pieces trying to fix it but fuck, his magic wouldn’t work.

“I’m sorry, mum.” Sirius whispered.

“You keep destroying everything you touch.” Walburga waved her wand to fix the glass and then Grindelwald’s picture was back in place. “Open up your palms.” She said calmly.

As young Sirius did so, she tapped her wand on his palms and paper-thin cuts lined his skin up to his wrists. He flinched, eyes burning, he bit his lips because if he cried or shouted in pain, there’d be more punishment.

“Those didn’t heal till after a week,” Regulus said.

And then the scene shifted again. They were cramped together on the stairs, Regulus with his head buried in his knees. From the way his shoulders convulsed, Sirius could say he was crying. Young Sirius was sitting beside him, hands protectively on his younger brother’s shoulders.

Sirius remembered this incident. He’d just got his Hogwarts letter and had been ecstatic but all his happiness damped once he understood how sad Regulus had been. He’d assured him numerous times that they’d be together again in just a years’ time but Regulus had refused to listen to reason. He’d pulled away from Sirius to his tremendous sadness then he’s found a way. Sirius remembered he’d charmed two journals at home. Gleefully he’d handed one to Regulus.

“What is this?” Regulus said annoyed.

“It’s spelled to read anything I write here.” Sirius held up his own journal. “And we can communicate…”

“Am I interrupting something?” It was Snape’s voice.

Sirius physically jerked back to reality as he saw the walls of the shack in front.

“No, Severus, come.” Regulus got up but Sirius numbly got up and walked to the washroom. He opened the tap and splashed water on his face. When he brought his hand down, his fingers were shaking. How could he not remember the first two incidents? How did he forget magic he’d done so easily as a kid? No wonder the recent things he’d tried had seemed so easy-he already knew that magic, it was there, just unused and suddenly he remembered how the Sorting hat had told him he’d be a far more potent wizard if he was put in Slytherin however his adolescent grit and his penchant for rule breaking and the increasing desire to be better and different argued against the Hat resulting him to be a Gryffindor. It all seemed so long ago now, so pointless, though that decision shaped his entire life. After being put in Gryffindor, all his transgressions seemed amplified to his family, punishments increased, spells and charms that were the mode of initial punishment graduated to curses that took days to heal until it was straight up Crucio.

“Sirius?” Regulus’s voice came from behind the door, breaking his thought. “You okay in there?”

“Yeah.” Sirius stepped out.

“Severus left.” Regulus said, putting butter on a piece of bread. “Just came in to drop a potion.”

Sirius nodded. “For Merlin’s sake, eat something else. I got you loads of food and you’re still eating bread.”

“I like bread.” Regulus frowned. “Besides dying has that advantage that it makes you realized you don’t need much to survive.”

Sirius didn’t reply. He didn’t want to dwell on that anymore. His brother was alive and that is all he cared about.

“Those memories were real.” Regulus finally said, “and it was only three isolated incidents. You’ve done a lot for me and because of that I knew you’d be anything but Slytherin. I knew before you boarded that train the first time.”

“What are you, some sort of a seer?” Sirius scoffed.

“No, but I feel certain things, specially about you.” Regulus handed him a slice of bread. “Eat, you haven’t eaten anything since last night."

“Why don’t I remember it?” He nibbled on his food.

“It’s the spells, I think. The curses mess with your brain, especially Crucio. It effects the neurons, I mean when someone is crucioed, the body doesn’t actually felt the pain. Your blood vessel would explode if that was the case. The spell just makes the brain think that the body is suffering.”

Sirius shivered as he tried and failed to block the incidents of when he was crucioed. “How do you know all this?” Regulus’s dept of knowledge fascinated him. His brother knew spells inside out, the how, the why and the when. He kind of felt proud of his brother but stupid at knowing so less about theory.

“Let’s just say, staying at home has it advantages.” Regulus tried to smile. It was a bad attempt at humor and he dropped it. “Anyway, I’m not exactly naturally gifted like you are. So I had to compensate. I read more, learnt more, practiced more and it in turn helped me. Magic has this thing you see, even if you’re not the best, your magic will help you if you nurture it with care.”

Sirius nodded. It sounded pretty made up and he wouldn’t have believed it had it not been Regulus’s words. “Have you, you know, been Crucioed?” He didn’t know where the question came from. Perhaps he just wanted to know if his brother had felt anything of what he had.

“I have.” Regulus nodded and then smiled. “Anyway, I have something for you.”.

He took out a paper packet from under his bed and handed it to Sirius whose eyes widened the moment he touched it. No, it couldn’t be.

“You left it at home when you went to stay with Potter and I asked Severus to get it when he went to check on the house. I’d put a charm on it back when you left.” Regulus sighed. “ I was angry at Potter for taking you away. It was childish but seemed appropriate back then. The other pair can’t here or see you now but it’s reversible.”

Sirius traced out the metallic frame that held the two-way mirror, it’s intricate design, the ‘Sirius’ engraved below it because even though James had already asked his parents to put ‘Sirius Potter’ but his parents had hesitated back then. So, they’d just put ‘Sirius’ to James’s tremendous dismay. The Potter’s had gifted it to him during first year when James had seen how scared he’d been to go back home. James, with his usual charming, ‘I’m a genius’ smile had handed him this mirror, ‘Now we can talk whenever you want.’ It’d been his escape for the better part of summer holidays every year till he’d left Number 12 with nothing but his wand.

“James, I couldn’t bring anything..” He’d said in a blurry of tears, standing on the Potter’s front porch, shivering as the summer rain poured down on them.

“It’s okay, Padfoot. You don’t need anything from there.” James had pulled him into the warmth of his house and the rest was history.

Sirius couldn’t believe he was holding the mirror again. “Reg, I..” He choked. He could never thank his brother enough for this.

“I know, Sirius.” Regulus seemed very satisfied. “So I thought with Evans expecting, this was the right time for you to have this. Now James can tell you instantly, a patronas would be slow.

Later Sirius came back to the flat, promising to meet Regulus the next day again, and undid the spell on the mirror. He called for James a few times but there was no answer. Finally, he sent off a patronas telling James to check is old mirror.

“Merlin’s pants Sirius! How did you find this?” James said, excited as Lily laughed at the back.

“I went back to Number 12..for some things.” Sirius said quickly.

“Wait, what?” Lily pushed James to make place for the two of them in the mirror. “Are you bonkers going in alone.” James frowned.

“Relax Prongs, I was only there for a few minutes.” Sirius put up a smile. Lies and lies, it never ended.

“Padfoot, mate don’t..” James bit his lips but Sirius wasn’t want to bother them further.

“Okay, I promise, I won’t go in again.” Sirius said. “Cool?”

“Cool.” James and Lily said from the other end bidding them goodnight.

A few days later he was woken up in the middle of the night with a panicked James at the other end. “Padfoot, Lily’s water broke. Get to St Mungo’s now!!”

Chapter Text

“Lily Ev…er..Potter?”

“Down the hall, then right?” Sirius practically ran down the empty hallway without waiting for the receptionist to finish only to be stopped outside the door.

“Family only.” A nurse said.

“But I am.” Sirius panted.

“Husband? Father?...”

“Brother.” Said Sirius, irritated.

“Mr. Potter is in there. You can wait outside.” The nurse said.

“Can you at least tell them that I’m here?” Sirius asked.

“Sure.” The nurse disappeared behind the door and seconds later James came out.

“Is she okay?” Sirius asked.

“The medi-witch says she’s fine.” James looked pale.

“You okay?”

“I’m really worried. Like I’m happy, really happy but really scared.” James pulled his hair back.

“Everything will be, okay. Alright James? I’m right here outside. Tell me if you need anything.” Sirius kept his hand on James’s shoulders. “Okay. Did you tell Peter?”

“No no..and Re..” James looked apologetic as Lily groaned from behind the door. “James…”

“Go..go..” Sirius pushed him back into the door. “I’ll take care of everything else. Go.”

Sirius sighed as he made his way back to the waiting area, his legs dragging. He concentrated on producing a patronas. Finally, when he managed, he said, “Tell Peter that the baby is coming. We’re at St. Mungo’s and if you find Remus, tell him the same.”

It was almost dawn and Sirius could see the orange streaks on the horizon, the sun slowly coming up on the blue-grey sky. He wandered off to get a coffee, trying to keep his mind off how he associated hospitals with terror. The last time they were here, they were saying goodbye to mum and dad, racing against time, trying to wrap their heads around the death of two parents. But these were better circumstances or so he tried telling himself. The kid would be born and they would do anything to save him and they would win, whatever it took, they would win and then they could live as a family- a happy, healthy family. This could change everything.

As he came back to the waiting area, sipping on his coffee, he felt light headed and had to sit down immediately. Fuck. Over the past two weeks, he’d taken the same potion to try and reach for Remus, before and after the full moon but in vain. There was nothing from the other side, no information from Dumbledore and everything left him physically and mentally exhausted. He could feel himself getting sicker and sicker. Last night when he’d looked at himself in the mirror, he couldn’t remember how he looked; just that he didn’t quite look the way he was seeing himself. It’s like he was fading away piece by piece. This war was taking a toll. When they’d joined the Order and Auror training in the electrifying summer of ’77, there were unavowed promises, trust build up over years, that they’d always take cared of each other. He and Remus moved into a flat on the outskirts of London, that to Remus’s great annoyance, Sirius had paid for from the money Alphard had left him while James and Lily moved in together, two blocks down the road. Peter had just lost his father and decided to stay with his mom. Sirius could still feel his fingers woven over the warm, sweaty bed sheet, gazing into warm, amber eyes, his black hair a curtain around his and Remus’s face as their bodies hypnotically swayed, perfectly fitting into each other like puzzle pieces coming together, love seeping out of their skin, exhilarated at the new found freedom-no hiding in the closet anymore, no spells along bed curtains.

“Hey! I came as soon as I could.” Sirius jerked up at Peter’s voice.

“What time is it?” He asked, disoriented, sitting up in the chair.

“Eight thirty. You fell asleep, I guess.” Peter sat down beside him. “How long have they been in there?”

“About four hours, I guess.” Sirius yawned, rubbing his eyes, trying to get the image of Remus’s moaning face out of his head.

“You look shit.” Peter sighed as he took a sip of his coffee.

“How are you? How’s your mum?” Sirius asked to avoid talking about himself.

“She’s okay, not too good. You know the war and everything.” Peter shrugged dismissively. It was clear to Sirius that he didn’t want to talk about it and he didn’t push. He was in no mood to make small talk. He hadn’t seen Peter properly in ages, he seemed a different person. “ No news about Remus then?” He asked to Sirius’s annoyance.

He shrugged in reply. There was nothing to say. With each passing day he felt further disconnected from Remus and the past few nights he’d begun considering that the only reason he wasn’t able to make contact was because there was no one to make contact with. Remus was dead. It made his insides twist into hollowness, made him wish he could just curl in on himself and disappear in some dark void.

“You okay?” He heard Peter’s voice distantly.

“..Just..I need some air…” He managed to croak out and stumbled out of the corridor into some back exit.

As the late morning air touched his face, he felt something break inside of him. He had to clutch on to the rusty rails of the stairs as he sunk down on the steps, limbs trembling as sobbed into his hand unceasingly. He couldn’t think beyond the fear that Remus could be dead. Here James and Lily were on the brink of starting a new life. There was a child being born right now but somewhere out there, Remus was alone, maybe he was suffering right now, maybe he was already dead. Did someone bury him, would anyone? Could he visit him if…or was it an unmarked grave somewhere in some unnamed forest and if he wasn’t buried, was he…the image of Remus’s rotting corpse had been imprinted on his brain for the past couple of weeks and it churned his insides, burnt his organs. He tried holding his breath, letting the nausea pass and even then he was copiously crying, snot and saliva dripping down his face.

“Sirius..Merlin are you okay?” He felt a pair of alien arms around him, rubbing his back as he was handed a couple of tissues.

Sirius wanted to know who it was but could barely see beyond his cloudy eyes. When Sirius finally came to his senses, he saw Marlen, in a flowery dress sitting beside him. “Okay?” She asked.

“Yeah..I..” Sirius was too tired to feel embarrassed but he felt uncomfortable. “ What are you..?”

“My shift just ended.” She said, looking out at the city, producing a cigarette from her purse. “ I enrolled four months ago. I want to help like this, just fighting seems like an awful lot of destruction.”

Sirius nodded. “You aren’t training anymore then?”

“No. I’m in the Order but no Auror training. Anyway, I saw that Lily was admitted early in the morning and even Frank and Alice came in a couple of hours ago. They had some complications. But it’s okay now. I’m staying. Just too excited that two of my one time best friends are becoming mothers.” She took a long drag and handed the cigarette to Sirius.

“No one sees anyone except at meetings, Marlen. Don’t be disappointed.” Sirius sighed, feeling the bitterness in Marlen’s words.

“I know. With these two families constantly hiding from You Know Who, who can blame them. I would’ve run away if I was in their place. The rest of us, Hestia, Edgar, Emmeline, Fabian, Gideon..the rest, we still go out for drinks once in a while but I guess at the end of the day everyone wants to go back to their families.”

“Everyone who has a family to go back to..” Sirius sighed. He didn’t mean to say that out loud.

“I heard about Lupin. I’m sorry.” She said softly, taking a deep drag and handing Sirius the last of the cigarette.

“What did you hear?” Sirius was curious about what other people knew; what Dumbledore told the rest of the Order about someone disappearing.

“That he’s missing. I know there was some secret mission and that he never returned.” She was looking at him with intense eyes. Sirius could feel her wait for something as he threw out the cigarette butt but she yielded, “I am really sorry. I know you lo…”

“You do?” Sirius’s head snapped up at her. She looked sad; her brown almond eyes looked almost sympathetic.

“I know how careful you two are about letting this out but yes, Sirius, I know.” She sighed and looked down at his lips, contemplating something.

Sirius held his breath as his mind went back to when Remus had accused him of cheating. He hadn’t even wondered later what might’ve brought on Remus’s suspicions.

She tore her eyes away, looking uncomfortable and sighed. Scrunching up her face she said, “I’ve been in love with you for a long time and because I know, I’ve kept my distance. But this war is going to kill us sooner or later so there’s no pint pretending.”

“I’m sorry.” Sirius mumbled and the hesitantly asked, “Have you told anyone..about this?”

“No.” She looked surprized. “Why what happened?”

“No, I just..It’s nothing Marlen, I’m…I’m sorry about all of this..” Sirius rubbed his neck awkwardly wondering where Remus had gotten the idea.

“Don’t be. But in case you ever need a friend, I’m here.” She smiled.

“Thanks.” Was all Sirius managed to say. He couldn’t believe anyone being in love with him for any extended period of time. He had friends, yes-they were made to practice trust exercises at Auror training because in the battle field that was required but he’d never quite trusted or been relied upon truly by anyone other than the Marauders and Lily. There still weren’t a day people at the Ministry or the Order didn’t look at him weirdly and suspiciously because he was a Black.

“Enough of this. Our best friends are birthing children as we speak. Let’s go.” She got up and offered him her hand. She pulled Sirius up and they both went inside.

“Frank! Hi! How is she doing?” Marlen asked as they came to the waiting area.

“She’s okay now.” He said with a wide smile. “ My mother just went in to see Alice and I came out for a cup of tea.”

“This is so exciting.” Marled almost twirled.

“How’s Lily?” Frank asked looking at Peter and Sirius.

“They went in at around four.” Sirius smiled.

“Well I guess we’ll have to wait and let the mother’s do their job.”

After hours of waiting, James finally came out, grinning like the happiest man in the world.

“It’s a boy.” He said at the wide expectant eyes and Sirius threw himself in James’s arms smiling and praying to who so ever was listening to just keep everyone safe from here on. The real battle was just beginning.

Peter and Marlen congratulated him while Frank’s mother gave him a warm hug. “Is Frank and Alice here?”

“Yes, yes. They’re in the opposite room.” Mrs. Longbottom said.

“Perfect. Let me know how they’re doing.” James said. He seemed to have grown up in a matter of hours. “Siri, Pete, come on.”

Sirius’s hands were shaking as they entered the room. He couldn’t see the kid at first but then Sirius saw him, tucked in Lily’s arms, crying softly. Lily looked like she was on fire, exhausted but glowing, warmth and protectiveness emanating from her. He shiny red hair fell in strands around her face and her face was vibrant; green eyes, molten with love. She looked like Fawkes from Dumbledore’s office, elegant, bold and protective.

“Told you it would be a boy.” She laughed.

Sirius couldn’t tear his eyes away from the bunch of black hair peeking out from the Lily’s arms. James took the kid from Lily’s arms and brought him closer to Sirius and Peter. “You can hold him, you know.”

Peter nodded his head vehemently, but looked in awe at the bundle in James arms. “I’m too scared.”

“Sirius come on. You can do it.” Sirius knew he could. He’d held Regulus too right after he was brought home but he was too scared, not to mention he’d been smoking and crying not five hours ago. There was too much negativity. “Come on, Sirius. Sit here.” James led him to a chair and after he was seated, placed the kid in his arms. “There you go. See? It’s easy.”

Sirius looked in awe. “He has your hair James…” He gasped as the kid opened his eyes. “Merlin! Lily!” James and Lily laughed.

“At least he’s going to look handsome.” Lily chuckled.

“Had he come out with red hair, it would’ve been difficult to say whether he was a Weasly or Potter.” James laughed. “He’s perfect.”

Sirius was too preoccupied looking at the kid’s face, his eyes, hair, lips-he was the most perfect kid he’d ever seen. He’d already been in love with the kid before he was born and now he didn’t think he could ever be more in love with someone so small and tiny.

“What are you naming him?” Peter asked.

“Harry.” James said.

“Harry James Potter.” Sirius whispered. “Do you hear that? It’s your name.”

“And Sirius?” James waited till Sirius raised his head. “ We would like you to be his God father.”

Sirius was stunned. “James..I..”

“We’ll have enough kids for Remus and Peter to be their Godfathers..” James chuckled but Sirius didn’t miss his glistening eyes.

“James. No family planning right now. You trying pushing out a kid..” Lily chided.

“..But for now, we would like you to be Godfather.” James sighed and came over to him.

He didn’t realize he was crying till James casually brushed away a tear from his cheeks and squatted down in from of him. “What do you say, Sirius Orion Black?”

“Of course James, Merlin! Yes.” Sirius smiled. He didn’t think he could ever be this happy but as James looked at him with all the love and trust in the world, his heart expanded and glowed. Love that he carved for was right here in this room-in James and Lily’s trust and love, in Peter’s laughter, in little Harry’s eyes as he looked up at him, curiously. “It would be an honor.”

“James might be right, Peter.” Lily chuckled. “Stick around and there might be a chance.”

Peter laughed.

As James handed Harry back to Lily, Sirius looked around the room. This is the happiest they’d been in a while and though his heart clenched at Remus’s absence, he decided he wouldn’t let anything mar this moment of happiness. This might be the last one in a long time.

***

“You look worse.”

Sirius groaned as he hung his head in his hands. He was so fucking tired of hearing this.

“How many times have you tried connecting with Remus?” Regulus asked as he sat down beside him.

“Twice.” There was no point is lying to Regulus. “And I barely have stuff for one last time and there’s still no sign of him.”

“What if he doesn’t want to be found?” Regulus hesitated. “Dumbledore was using him, manipulating him; what if he just snapped and couldn’t take it anymore?”

A year ago he could’ve boldly said that no matter what, Remus would never leave his friends and run off- that he would never leave Sirius behind but since then, they’ve been on rocky grounds, hiding things from each other, lying through their teeth, loosing track of the last time they’d spoken two full sentences that were nothing but the complete truth. And then there was Greyback and his pack. Remus had said he found comfort in transforming amongst them. It was more than what he’d given him- with Remus’s constant fear of hurting the rest of the Marauders, surely, knowing that he’d not hurt anyone in Greyback’s pack was relieving . But he couldn’t let him go based on that alone. If Remus was indeed set on not coming back, Sirius would preferably like to hear it from his mouth, look into his eyes while he said it. “I would prefer to know for sure, plus, I need to know that he’s alive and also tell him that he’s an uncle now.”

“Girl or boy?” Regulus smiled.

“Boy. Harry.” He’d found his face breaking into a smile every time he said the kid’s name. He was a fucking miracle.

“Do you remember me being born?” Regulus asked, head tilted to one side.

Times like these made Sirius realize, his brother was just eighteen and had suffered far too much already. “Of course, I do.” Sirius nudged him with his elbow. “You were there in Walburga’s arms, the tiniest little thing I’d seen. A lot of things are hazy afterwards till I was older but that moment I remember.”

Regulus smiled. “I saw you at school with James, Peter and Remus and James called you his brother-I used to get so angry. Wondered how you felt so comfortable with them when you’d never been comfortable in that house or with me even after being born there.” He said ruefully.

“Reg, I love you. Always have I just couldn’t take what..they..did to me.” Sirius didn’t want his brother to feel unloved when he loved him so much.

“Yeah I know.” Regulus sighed. “It took me staring at the face of death to know that life’s too short to wait and wonder what is right and wrong, to wait for wrong to right itself. And I’m sorry, Siri. I’m sorry that you had to live with the thought that I was dead and now the same with Remus. I’m sorry that you keep finding yourself here. I want to help. I’m strong enough to help…”

“No..” Sirius disagreed. “Last time I asked something of you, you almost died…No…”

“Sirius, those incidents weren’t even corelated.” Regulus huffed. “And I was also being an idiot.”

“No, I can’t..” Sirius got up and started pacing back and forth.

“You said you barely have enough to try it once more. What will you do after that?” Regulus asked. “Sit around and wait?”

“I don’t know, okay?” Sirius said agitated. “I’ll figure something out. I’m not very good on planning.”

“But I am. Just hear me out, okay.” Regulus said calmly. “Please. I wanna help.”

Sirius sighed. “Okay. What do you want me to do?”

“Okay first, you’ll bring all the raw materials and I’ll make the potion. I’m better at it plus look at all this energy we’ve been sitting on. You look better than you did an hour ago.” Sirius turned his head to the side to look at himself in the mirror and he couldn’t deny, his face looked less hollow than he remembered; the bags under his eyes were shallower, his cheeks looked shallower, his eyes were less haunted. “This magic helps.” Regulus continued. “I’m not going to drink it because I don’t think I can take it but when you drink it, I will help you process whatever you see if you see anything. And you’ll do it here. Everything will be amplified. If Remus is putting up some sort of barrier spell, we can hope to break it down.”

“Okay.” Sirius said, “But Snape doesn’t get to know any of it.”

“Of course not” Regulus scoffed. “I don’t trust him enough. He’s shady, his motives are difficult to understand and whatever he’s doing now for Lily’s sake, he won’t hesitated to turn against everyone if he finds that that loyalty no longer holds. That’s why I didn’t tell him about the Horcruxes either.”

Sirius sighed. He was so fucking tired of fighting and wondering about loyalties and second guessing everyone and looking over his shoulder. “Okay. When do you want to do it?”

“You bring the materials over today and, well, it shouldn’t take longer than two days. I’ll send a patronas when I’m done.” Regulus said opening up a rusty old book as Sirius put on his jacket and prepared to leave.

“You can cast a patronas?” Sirius asked surprized.

“Always the tone of surprise.” Regulus smirked.

“What is it?” Sirius asked apologetically. “I didn’t know you could.”

Regulus laughed. “Ironically, it’s a lion.”

“Makes sense.” Sirius said without a beat, pride swelling his heart. He always knew Regulus was more than just ambitious and cunning; he was kind and gentle and warm hearted.

“It does?” Regulus was perplexed. He’d probably expected that Sirius would laugh it off or say how everything had a way of coming back but he felt proud. So proud.

“Look at all you’ve survived. I’m so proud of you.” Sirius smiled, he was so happy that Regulus and he had finally ended up here after everything. “I’ll get you the stuff by tonight. Be safe.” Sirius said as he left the cottage late that night.

Regulus smiled back. “You too.”

***

Sirius trudged through the dense forest, branches crunching under his footsteps on the wet ground. The overgrowth was so thick that even during midday, very little light reached the ground; it could easily be six in the evening; it was difficult to tell with the dismal fog and strong smell of wet wood and foliage that enveloped everything. He’d been walking for the past hour after a rickety bus had dropped him off at a hamlet that couldn’t have been inhabited by more than a hundred people. They’d looked at him curiously, a stranger in black clothes and leather jacket and when he’d asked the directions to the forest where ‘paranormal activities’ had been reported, they’d all looked quite shaken.

“Did the government send you?” an old man had asked.

“Something like that.” Sirius replied. It was a muggle dwelling. He couldn’t tell anyone he was from the Ministry.

“Who are you?” This time it was a man, mid forties, with an axe in his hands that he’d been using to cut wood.

“Look, I’ve been sent to check out the disturbance in the forest.” Sirius said. “Give me a direction and I’ll be on my way.”

“You could die.” An elderly lady said.

“I’ll manage.” Sirius said as she pointed her hand in the direction. “Thank you.”

“Remember you were warned.”

An hour later, Sirius was quite sure he was lost. He hadn’t found a cabin yet, where Remus could’ve been living, the one he’d just gotten a glimpse of when he’d drank the potion. It was Regulus who’d been able to narrow down the search radius but now, he didn’t feel so sure. He flopped down on a fallen branch, exhausted. He couldn’t go back empty handed if Remus was here. He would either take Remus back with him or this would be the end of their relationship. He cast a patronas, “Search for Moony, please.”

A couple of minutes later he resumed his search on foot and as he went deeper into the forest, he could feel the presence of magic, Remus’s magic. He walked around frantically, a mad man searching for the source, shouting for Remus. He almost collapsed when he saw a silver wolf standing by a tree.

“Remus?”. The wolf turned. “Wait.” He followed the patronas and came upon a shack. Remus was leaning elegantly against the door frame wearing a pair of boxers and tee shirts. As the patronas disappeared, Sirius was left feeling cold on the footsteps, staring at the man he loved and almost thought was dead looking the healthiest he’d ever looked.

“Sirius.” Remus’s voice was soft but rang through Sirius and he ran the last couple of steps and threw himself in Remus’s arms, holding him till he was sure that it wasn’t an apparition. Remus held him lightly, his arms settled on Sirius’s hips and gently pushed him away. “ I can’t.”

Sirius looked at him unsurprised but still felt like he was sinking down an endless ocean. He needed more explanation than those two words. “You’ve been missing for two months. I think I deserve a little more than that.” He too a few steps back, the wood creaking below him.

“I haven’t been missing. Dumbledore knows where I am but seeing your attempts, I guess he didn’t say.” Remus moved back to lean against the wall.

“He shouldn’t have to. You could’ve sent a letter, a patronas any fucking thing and if not that, then you could’ve let me at least see where you were the first time I tried.” Sirius snapped. Two fucking months of endless nightmares and traumatizing thoughts, sleeplessness and drinking poison all for this- for Remus to say that he fucking can’t do this.

“Sirius, I didn’t want to be found. I’m done. I’m done with the war and people dying and killings and transformations with Greyback’s pack. I quit.” Remus sighed. “I’m not proud of it. But I quit the order. I can’t do what he’s asking me to do. But I did tell him to tell me if any of you were in danger, I will always come. I’ll never let Harry down either.” Remus looked at him. “Dumbledore told me.”

“And you couldn’t show up?” Sirius asked. He felt so angry. “ You bastard, how can you do this? How can you just leave without so much as a goodbye after everything we’ve been through? Remus, I can’t..We need you. James needs you; Lily needs you; Harry needs you. Rem, I need you, please…” Sirius was on the verge of tears.

“Sirius.” Remus’s voice was soft, his head down. “I didn’t go back because of this. I will never be able to leave if I go back.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. He rubbed his eyes with his sleeves, sniffing and leaned against the railing of the porch, the two feet between Remus and him feeling like a great divide. So Remus would leave because he was scared and incapable of handling too much of love and in the past decade Sirius had smothered him with it, healed his wounds with it, filled up gaping scars on Remus’s body and it’d always been too much, too much care, too much love, too much worry, too much of Sirius’s rash behaviors, too many mistakes and too many apologies- it’d all lead to this- his heart was too numb to shatter. He couldn’t even feel it beating in his chest. “A kid was missing along with you. Did you..I don’t know..kill him? Turn him?” Sirius guessed if Remus was really gone, there was no use trying to be not blunt. “Is this because of that?”

A flash of disappointment crossed Remus’s eyes before he nodded his head. “It wasn’t me. I don’t know who it was.”

“Is the kid alive?”

Remus seemed to contemplate something. His lips parted several times before he took a deep breath and held open the door to the cottage, indicating Sirius to follow him.

Inside, by the candle light, he saw that there were two narrow beds side by side, some food and clothes, some too small for Remus, other than that it was empty without any personal touch, it could belong to anyone.

“Adam.” At Remus’s call, a tiny human came out from a door at the other side of the room and hid himself behind Remus’s legs. He was lanky, with blond hair and wide brown eyes, several small cuts on his face and bandages going up from his palm to his elbow. “No need to be shy. This is Sirius. Say hi.”

“Hi, Sirius.” The kid said, softly almost scared.

“um..yeah..hi.” Sirius cleared his throat. He could scarcely believe this but he gained his wits quickly. Going down on his knees he produced a bar of chocolate he’d gotten for Remus from his pocket. “This is for you, Adam.” He ruffled the kid’s hair but he shrinked away. “When you feel really, really bad take a bite, okay? You’ll feel better.”

“Adam,” Remus cleared his throat. “Could you go outside and play for a bit while I talk to Sirius alone? Don’t wander too far away.”

As the kid ran away, Sirius got up to meet Remus’s glassy eyes. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was for you but I guess he needs it more.” Sirius looked away. He couldn’t look at Remus’s teary eyes and walk away from there alive. He could feel himself crumbling from inside. “How old is he?”

“Five.” Remus said, rubbing a tear from his cheek. “I don’t know who bit him but I couldn’t just leave him.”

“He’s reported missing and if it ever comes out that you took him, the Ministry is going to hang you for kidnapping.” Sirius said. “They’ll kill you. And how long are you going to keep him hidden?”

“Dumbledore knows.” Remus sighed.

“Merlin fuck!” Sirius pulled his hair, “Of course he does and he’s been lying to us all. Did he force you to do this in exchange for getting out of the Order? His parents are muggles, I read that on the paper. Did he put you…”

“Sirius. No.” Remus held his arm, halting Sirius. He looked down where Remus’s skin met his and fuck, those long fingers could melt him with their touch. He wanted to bask in that warmth and never let go, it was like the first rays of the sun after a full moon when he knew that another tormented night had passed and wouldn’t be back for another twenty eight days. His mind went black as he blindly pushed Remus against the wall and crushed his lips on Remus’s chapped ones, the smell of wood and grass and morning dew under sunlight, burnt out candles and chocolates came crashing down on his senses as he felt Remus’s wheat long fingers twist in his hair and pull his head back. Sirius moaned and tilted his head back, exposing his neck as Remus planted wet kisses down his throat. Sirius clutched onto Remus’s tee-shirt, eyes shut close, scared that the slightest movement might break them. Remus pulled him closer, parting his legs to make space for Sirius, their friction of their bodies brushing against each other could’ve burnt the house down. Remus slipped his tongue inside his mouth, they were both trembling from need and it sent tremors down Sirius’s nerve, making him shiver to the core. He felt love and gratification bubble up from his soul as Remus made his way inside his mouth, slippery and pulsating, wanting and asking for more but Sirius couldn’t give more. There was too much of raw, unprocessed emotion that threatened to pour out of him. Distantly Sirius thought the kid might come back and find them in such compromising position but the thought quickly faded away as Remus broke off for breath and tried to unbuckle his belt. Sirius opened his eyes, colors popping at the edge of his vision and for a second thought about breaking away but Remus had already unbuttoned his jeans, finger tips hovering over the soft skin of Sirius’s belly and Sirius couldn’t stop it. His constant need to love and be loved got the better of him and he gently lifted the tee-shirt high enough to pull on the elastic on Remus’s shorts. As Remus lowered his hand to touch Sirius, all the air evaporated from his lungs and he had to hold onto Remus for support. He couldn’t think as Remus stroked him from base to tip while his hips moved back and forth, rubbing himself against Sirius’s palm. Sirius stroked Remus up and down his length as Remus grunted softly, his eyes rolling back, exposing his throat. Sirius kissed his pale throat feeling the pulsing and rushing of blood under his lips. Sirius knew he couldn’t hold out for long and from the way Remus’s legs quivered, Sirius guessed, he couldn’t either. Remus’s hold on his hips hardened, nails digging in his flesh as Sirius grabbed his amber curls and tugged them eliciting a deep moan from Remus. With another thrust he came, biting down on Sirius’s shoulders to curb his cry, his body quivering like an autumn leaf. “Oh! Sirius.”His name in Remus’s breathless, husky voice with Remus surrounding him, was Sirius’s undoing.

Breathless, Sirius dropped his head on Remus’s shoulder waiting for the rush of blood in his ears to die. He heard Remus whisper an incantation to clean them before burying himself in Sirius’s shoulder once again. Sirius wanted to stay like this forever, lost in Remus’s embrace with all sense of time blending away into nothingness.

But whatever had perspired was because of his lack of self-control. He hadn’t planned this but after two long months of tossing and turning in his bed alone, he hadn’t been able to stop himself. But Remus was still going to leave him. This was goodbye. Remus hadn’t pushed him away, possibly out of pity but they were still on the path of destruction. He’d always know they’d love and destroy each other but not like this, not so soon. This seemed like a bullet to his chest, he would die and Remus would be holding the gun. He pulled away first and buttoned up his jeans and belt.

His hair was sticking to his face because of the sweat and he pulled them up with a rubber band. “Are Adam’s parents really muggle?” He dropped both his palms down to his neck and pulled down, feeling akward.

Remus nodded as he cleared his throat and put his boxer back in place. “They wouldn’t know how to handle a werewolf transformation and the system is going to kill him if he has no training on how to manage himself.”

“Both of us can help him together. You can come back and we can do it. He can stay with us.” Sirius placed a cigarette between his lips and on instinct Remus was about to light it up but Sirius beat him to it.

“I need time to figure out certain things.” Remus said as he folded his arms across his chest.

“How long’s that gonna take-six months, a year, six years?” Sirius asked taking a long drag.

“I don’t know. That’s why I said I’m not coming back.” Remus walked over to the door to possibly check on the kid. “ And Dumbledore didn’t force Adam on me. I made the deal with him-that I would take care of Adam in exchange for my freedom.”

“So now you can take care of yourself and another kid?” Sirius asked bitterly. All those years of going through incantations and rituals and potions for the Animagus transformation- and Remus didn’t even need him anymore.   

“I can. I remember everything and have control over my actions…” Remus drifted off.

“So this is it, then?” Sirius asked. The cigarette between his finger dropped ash on the floor as he waved his hand in the empty space between them. “This..here..this is goodbye.”

“Sirius, I will come the moment you or James or anyone else tells me that there is danger and that you need me. I love..”

“Don’t Remus.” Sirius made his way to the door. “Even in my darkest days, I’ve never thought about leaving you and here you…” Sirius’s voice broke. “I’m gonna tell James, Lily and Peter that you’re not coming back any additional information..” He shrugged. “It doesn’t mean anything anymore. Goodbye Remus.” Sirius was out of the shack before the last words were out of his mouth. From the corner of his eye he could see Remus run out after him just as he apparated back in a deserted alley behind the flat.

He was down on his knees, agony ripping through him as he wrapped his arms around himself, sobs racking his chest inside out. He sounded like a wounded animal, clinging onto life despite the odds. He couldn’t breathe against the boulders sitting on his chest. He coughed and hiccupped, a mess of snot and tears running down his face. He knew this pain would never stop. He would never get used to the empty bed, the second pillow, the second toothbrush in the washroom, the lemon scented soap, the second cup on the counter. Remus had left it all behind along with thousands of memories in each crack and crevasse of furniture and books and music records-just tossed aside like they never held any value, like they’d never been loved.

There was one last thing he needed to do. He had to inform James and Lily. NOW. Or he wouldn’t be able to leave once he’s back in the flat. He sighed as the lights lit up the city, dusk rolling in. A neon light lit up a few feet from him, leaving him in the dark. He considered apparating to the shack and taking his bike to James’s safe house, but it felt like too much work.

Despite his best efforts to steady himself before apparating, he failed, landing face first on the ground as a wave of nausea made his stomach churn. He vomited, hunched over a dry field, breast high grasses surrounding him. As his nausea passes, he stood up, swaying on his feet. He had to push through this. He could see the church in the distance; faint light from the huge windows against the blue sky and trudged towards it.

“James, open up.” Sirius said.

“James, the security question…” He could hear Lily inside, urging him.

“Something’s wrong..” James opened the door in a hurry and Sirius saw cold terror on his face.

“Is Remus…” He couldn’t complete the sentence.

Sirius’s eyes were burning, head throbbing, wondering how James knew Remus wouldn’t come back but then it struck him-that wasn’t what James was asking. “No…” He wouldn’t know whether the words came out of his mouth had James and Lily not sighed out of temporary relief.

James yanked him inside and shut the door behind him. “What the hell happened?”

Sirius looked at them, at Harry sleeping in Lily’s arms. He’d probably never know Remus now. “He’s..he’s not coming back.” He felt like all his energy had been sucked out.

“What?” Lily hurriedly put Harry in his cot as James led him to a couch.

“James, get him some water.” Lily sat down beside him. “Sirius.” She rubbed his back comfortably, pulling him close.

Sirius wanted to cry, but there were no tears left, he’d have to cry blood. James squatted in front of him and handed him a glass of water. “What happened?”

Sirius told them everything Remus had told him, mechanically. He couldn’t even feel his lips moving.

“Dumbledore knows.” James said looking incredulous.

Fat tears rolled down Lily cheeks. “He can’t just leave.”

“He isn’t coming back. But he’ll be here if you ever ask him to, if you or Harry are in danger.” Sirius made sure to say that at every step. They’d do anything for Harry; Remus would, he had no doubt, despite what he’d said back in the shack. He’d just not come back to the Marauders.

James’s eyes were glassy. “How did you find him?”

Sirius looked up. “You know how.”

“You took that potion..that thing?” Lily whispered.

Sirius nodded. “He’s so fucking strong now.” He guessed there was no point in hiding what he’d been doing. “I’d been trying for weeks and he’d been blocking me so effectively. I got nothing and then two days ago when I tried again, I saw where he was staying but it was only because he let me. To inform me, I guess.”

“Oh, Sirius.” Lily hugged him, trembling as she cried into his shoulders. Sirius tried to sooth her but he was drained and settled for just patting her back awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, Sirius.” James sat down on the ground in front of him, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes.

Sirius fleetingly hated Remus as he saw how devastated James and Lily looked. After everything they’d done for him, how could he just abandon them? Remus and he has fought, lied and almost ruined each other before building themselves up again but with James and Lily there’d been nothing but love. All those late nights staying up frustrated and angry because the Animagus transformation wouldn’t work, days spent writing Remus’s home works and assignments and projects because he couldn’t do it after a full moon, looking after him after full moons. James and Lily had done more for Remus than him probably.  

“I need to go.” Sirius stood up.

“No.” James and Lily pulled him down back on the couch.

“You’re not going anywhere.” James said and Sirius knew there was no way out of this.

“You look..unwell.” Lily said. “You need to eat and you will.”

“I’ll go get some food from outside.” James said. “ Chinese?”

Lily nodded.

“I’ll make some hot chocolate.” Lily gently squeezed his shoulders. “Keep an eye on Harry.”

 As James left and Lily went to the kitchen, Sirius stood in front of the cot looking at Harry. He was sleeping peacefully completely unaware of how unsettling the world around him was getting, that he’d lost one of his uncles even knowing him because Merlin forbid a time dire enough arouse for them to call for Remus. He would give anything to prevent that.

“You can hold him, you know.” Lily whispered as she handed him a steaming cup.

Sirius nodded. He wouldn’t dare, not until he’d pulled himself up from this pit of grief that seemed to follow him around. He took a sip, warmth filling him but there was something else mixed in it.

“It’s just something to calm you.” Lily said. “James was having terribly low spells, panic attacks. I asked him to get a few herbs.”

“I’m sorry, Lily.” Sirius didn’t know what’d been happening with James, save for that one day in the shack after the werewolf attack.

“No, Sirius.” Lily sighed. “ We can’t constantly take care of each other when we aren’t even in contact half of the time. I’m here for James.”

“I know.” Sirius looked at her. “And you don’t know how grateful I am that you’re more sensible than us.”

There was a ghost of a smile on Lily’s lips. “Plus, I assume things with Remus have been very difficult.”

Sirius didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. It would be impossible to explain everything without saying things that could get James, Lily and Harry killed and he feared if he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

“Which is why, I want you to stay here.” Lily continued.” And not alone in that flat. It wouldn’t do you any good.”

“Lily, I..” Sirius tried to string together words that would explain his feeling to Lily. “I need some time to process and accept this. I’ve loved him since we were thirteen and seven years down the road, I don’t know how to live without him.” He blinked his tears away. “This last half year, with him going away and uncertainty of his survival and the last two months have been..hard. Every time I took that potion and couldn’t find him, I thought he was dead, lying is some wilderness without any…” Lily looked at him, heartbroken and he had to look away. “But turns out it was all planned and even Dumbledore lied to us possibly because I would act, as Remus keeps saying, rashly and someone else would be hurt. Fuck, Lily. I possibly have no one to blame but myself and I..I almost…”Sirius stopped and clenched his jaws. He’d said too much. Fuck! He was incorrigible.

“Sirius.” Lily put their mugs aside on a table. “I’m so sorry. God! This was will kill us all someway or the other.”

“I won’t let anything happen to Harry and you and James.” Sirius took Lily’s hand in his. “I promise.”

“Please, Sirius. You have to live.” Lily sighed. “ Even if James and I die, you have to keep him alive. Take care of him.” Lily looked at Harry. “ Don’t give him to Petunia. They’ll hate him and never be kind to him. You have to. Please. And I’ll tell Remus, I’ll send a patronas and I’ll tell him that he can do anything as long as we’re alive but if we die, he has to come back. None of you can raise him alone. Please, Sirius.” Lily’s voice trembled, but she’d never looked stronger. Her eyes were sure, no doubt and hesitation in her voice.

“Nothing of that sort will happen Lily.” Sirius kissed his forehead. “Remember you have to birth enough babies to make Remus and Peter godfathers.” They both chuckled.

“But please stay here, at least tonight.” Lily said. “You haven’t spent enough time with Harry.”

“I’m here.” James put the food packets down on the table and walked over to the cot, checking on harry and caressing his cheeks with his fingers. “He’s so tiny.”

“Everything okay?” He looked at Sirius and Lily. “I mean..you know..are you…will you be fine? Stay here tonight. As a matter of fact, just stay here from now on.”

“I was just telling Sirius that..” Lily looked at him, her eyes worried and pleading.

“I..James..”

“Can we just eat while Harry is still sleeping. I’m starving.” Lily cut him off, sparing him the pain of going through everything again and Sirius was eternally grateful.

Halfway through, Harry woke up crying. “On time.” Lily sighed. “He needs feeding. Eat Sirius and then go.”

“James, I have..I need to be alone for a while.” Sirius looked at him, asking permission. “I’ll come back within a couple of days. Please.”

James nodded. “I can’t imagine Moony would do this.” He poked at his chicken. “Did we do something wrong?”

“No, Prongs, no.” Sirius put his fork down. He couldn’t taste anything and the food made him queasy. “ It was me, I think.”

“He loved you and you him.” James said in denial. “It can’t be us. There must be something else.”

“James, Remus and I..we’re not the way you and Lily are. While we love each other, there’s a certain coldness in us, a…something I can’t explain and while I brushed aside that part for both of us, maybe I was in denial. He changed after Dumbledore’s missions, so did I and I guess I should’ve done more but…here I am. It’s done.” Sirius took a piece of chicken despite his protesting stomach to gulp down the knot in his throat.

James nodded. “You’re going to answer the mirror whenever I call okay. I don’t care if you’re in the washroom, you answer me, okay?”

Sirius nodded. “I should go.”

“Eat, Sirius.”

“I really can’t.” He said. “ Lily, I’m leaving.” He called out and didn’t wait for an answer. “Thank you for everything, James. I’ll be back in a couple of days.”

He decided to walk across the field for a while to settle his stomach. The half-moon hung low in the sky, peaking from behind grey clouds. It’d been a humid day and as the wind picked up speed, Sirius could smell the ozone in the air. He kept walking as thunder cracked the sky open, the deafening sound drowned his heart beating and aching in his chest. He so desperately wanted to stay with James, Lily and Harry but he also wanted to be alone and he didn’t think he could bear seeing the look in their eyes- their own pain, swirling with sympathy for Sirius-it was painful to see that in Lily’s green eyes brimming with tears. She’d lost one of her closest friends, yet she’d empathized with Sirius and he’d not been thinking about how devastated she’d felt. He was selfish, always putting his enormous emotions above everyone else’s. Fuck it really was that bad, so much so that James had to almost beg him for his care and he abhorred himself. Self-centered bastard-that’s what he was and Remus had said so though in not so many words.

The light drizzle soon turned into a heavy shower; the strong winds howled in the heavens above him. The temperature dropped sharply and he was drenched, his clothes sticking to his skin. He felt like he was being pulled towards the ground by the weight of his wet clothes. He turned into Padfoot, it would be easier, emotionally and physically. He didn’t want to go back to the flat just yet. The cold felt nice on his skin, numbing him.

There wasn’t anywhere to run to, to find solace in-that place, person-was gone now. He had to push through it, had to make this constantly aching chest a thing he can live with, had to make it as easy as breathing.  

***

When he reached the flat, it was almost dawn. He was cold to his bones, dead tired. He stripped and went to the washroom, took a bath without waiting for the water to heat up and brushed his teeth- all mechanically. Distantly he congratulated himself for not having unpacked Remus’s stuff when he’d moved to the flat from the shack. At least he could pretend that he lived alone. He made tea first, out of habit, thought about throwing it down the sink but decided otherwise as he spotted a bottle of Vodka over a rack.

When he sat down with the half-filled cup of tea, the sun was almost up, the sky a dazzling copper blue with white clouds lining the sky the way he’d seen people lining cocaine in shady bars. He cracked open the seal of the Vodka and filled the cup. He could go back to the shack and pack up his things. It was after all Remus’s place. He could go live with Regulus for a while, it would be good. They could work on expanding the search for Horcruxes. In the meantime, he could look for places to stay, a small flat. He was still suspended from the Order and Auror training and after yesterday’s events, that Remus must’ve, undoubtedly, informed Dumbledore about, he didn’t think Dumbledore would ask him to join anytime soon. He didn’t have much to pack anyway, clothes, few books, parchments, pens and his bike. A lot of his things are still at Godric’s Hollow in James’s house. He lit up a cigarette, he could survive this.

But as the alcohol mixed with his blood, a sense of colossal grief settled in his bones. He knew he should stop drinking but without Remus every other reason to live seemed insignificant. James and Lily now had Harry to look after and love and nurture. He couldn’t be a burden to them, staying in their house, intruding on their lives-it seemed wrong. Even though James and Lily and Peter love him, they’d never love him like Remus did, with all their rawness, pain and happiness. James had Lily for that and Harry now too, he just got Regulus back and every time he thought about that, he thanked the universe ten times over but Regulus could also live without him, he had- he had survived without him and so could Remus now, apparently but he felt paralyzed without them-like organs and limbs were missing from his body. He could hear Walburga’s shrill voice in his head saying how pathetically weak he was, pathologically dependent on others for survival, leaching off their emotions like a vampire, a dark creature who should’ve never been born. He was a complete wastage and failure, unworthy of life..

“Stop.” Sirius shouted, his voice echoing off the empty walls. He covered his ears with his palms. “Please stop.”

“Padfoot?” Sirius snapped out from his delirium at James voice. He went to his bedroom to get the mirror from where James’s worried face called him.

“I’m here.” Sirius replied as calmly as he could.

“Eat something, okay?” Lily said from the back, bouncing Harry on her arms.

“Okay. I won’t disturb you.” James said. “Be safe, eat something and sleep. Get some rest.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Bye.”

He kept the mirror a safe distance away from himself, where he would be able to hear James calling him without giving away his activities. He was still a tad bit dizzy and an unsettling pain had descended on his bones. He’d been feeling nauseous since last night but that seems to increase every passing minute. He should’ve eaten something but everything tasted like sand on his tongue. He took out a couple of crackers from a packet but couldn’t bear even the sight of it. He paced the flat, trying to shed off the increasing shells of discomfort on his body. He even hunched over the sink a couple of times as his insides churned. He knew these were signs of depression, He’d had them before- when he’d run away to James’s house, he’d been sick for days, constantly throwing up everything mum had fed him. He’d been so scared of disappointing and over working her that he’d constantly apologized and every time she’d cleaned him up and held him and assured him that everything would be okay. Even back at Hogwarts, he’d been this sick after the shack incident but no one knew because he’d hid himself away and no one had been looking out for him. It was easy to succumb to this depression and more than once Mr. Potter has asked and requested him to see a professional therapist. But he’d said no. He couldn’t go around spilling Black household secret in the Wizarding community. Even with confidentiality laws, he feared, it would draw too much attention and Orion and Walburga would bring down hell on the Potters. He wouldn’t let that happen.

But all of them were dead now.

Sirius stared out into the city below from the window above the sink. It looked like a happy day but he couldn’t even appreciate the fresh gusts of air that intermittently hit his face because it made him shiver, even the blue sky was starting to hurt his eyes.

No. he wouldn’t give in to this. He wouldn’t let Remus’s absence do this to him. Maybe he could sleep a little bit. He’d been up all night. He could do with some rest and then he could go meet Regulus and decide on a plan. He pulled the curtains close to keep out the dazzling sunlight and quietly crawled into bed and pulled the covers over his head and fell asleep in a matter of minutes.

***

“Sirius..Sirius wake up.” Distantly he heard James voice. “Hey mate are you..fuck…” Sirius wanted to answer, to respond but he couldn’t. His body seemed cut off from his brain, everything felt diluted and distant. His head was throbbing and he couldn’t open his leaden eyelids.

“James..” It seemed too much of an effort.

“Merlin, Sirius.. you’re burning up.” James’s sounded panicked. “I have to take you to St. Mungo’s. There’s no medicine here.”

No. He wouldn’t go to the hospital. He hated it. “No..James. Please.” He mumbled and pushed open his eyes and the light felt like a hammer to his head, nauseating him to the core.

“Can you get up? We have to get your temperature down..” He felt’s James’s cold hands on his forehead as cold as ice.

“James, what happened? Are you okay? You’re so cold?” Sirius pulled his hands up to touch James.

“Pads, it’s not me.” James said softly. “You have a fever.” He placed his cool palms on Sirius’s neck, supporting him. “Come on. Try. You need to go to the shower.”

He felt James pull him up and though he wanted to cooperate his body didn’t seem to. He found himself in on James’s chest, held closely. He could hear through the fabric- James’s heart beating in his chest.

“Fuck, Sirius. I should’ve checked in sooner. Merlin knows how long you’ve been like this.” James sounded sad.

Sirius wanted to deny it. He wasn’t James’s responsibility. And he was fine yesterday. James cannot ask after him every hour. It was absurd.

“It’s been two days, Padfoot.” James said. “Harry had a cough and we just got so busy that I..”

Sirius didn’t know if he’d said everything out loud but James’s next words confirmed it. “And you are my responsibility. You’re my brother.”

“What happened to Harry?” Sirius asked, comfortable in James’s arms, everything that reminded him of home, love, warmth and family.

“Just a cough. Apparently, kids fall sick all the time.” He chuckled. “Come on now.” James pulled him up. Sirius entirely leaned on him but James held him with strong arms as his heavy feet dragged towards the washroom.

He was breathless and exhausted by the time he sat down on the cold ground and James turned the shower on. Fuck. The water felt like pin pricks against his skin.

“It’s okay.” James assured him and pulled him in close. “It’s okay.” They sat under the cold running water till Sirius felt lucid and his temperature went down. The water now felt good on his skin and from what he could see out of the bathroom window, it was a hot sunny day outside.

“How are you feeling?” James asked. “You okay?”

Sirius nodded. “James you didn’t have to do this for me.”

“How long have you been like this?” James asked paying no heed to his words.

“Couple of hours maybe.” Sirius shrugged but couldn’t remember.

“What is the last thing you do remember?” James was looking at him intensely.

“It was the morning after I met you and I was really tired so I just fell asleep.”

“That was three days ago.” James sighed and tipped his head back. “I climbed through the fire escape and fuck Sirius I was so scared.”

“Didn’t I respond to the doorbell or the mirror?” Sirius asked. He couldn’t have slept through two days.

“You ass hole. Would I climb through the fire escape if you’d have answered?” James sounded sad and irritated.

“Sorry.” Sirius cringed. “I’m really sorry.”

James sighed again and turned the shower off. “You’re coming with me.” He waved his wand and spelled himself and Sirius dry. “Drink some water and change your clothes. I’ll go pack up a bag. You’re staying with us from now and if you argue, I’ll knock you out and apparate you home.” Without waiting for a response, he walked out of the bathroom.

Sirius knew there was no way he could fight this. He’d put James and Lily through enough. He didn’t want them to spend their time wondering if he was dead or alive. It would be just better to stay with them for a while not to mention he could be with Harry all the time. Sirius drank a glass of water from the sink and changed his clothes and James packed a bag.

“James, before we go.” Sirius said, shifting uncertainly on his heels. “I just..Thank you.” He looked James in the eye. “And I’m sorry that I’ve caused you so much worry but not anymore. I promise I’ll take care of myself so that I can take care of you, Lily and Harry. I promise to not do anything stupid. I promise.”

James’s lips broke out in a smile as he nodded his head. “Well, I’m glad. Let’s go. Lily and Harry will be waiting for us.”

Though Sirius knew James didn’t trust him to take care of himself, he made a promise to not let James down anymore. He wouldn’t let Harry, James and Lily down, whatever the cost.

Chapter Text

“He’s asking me to go back.” Sirius said, looking at the letter in his hand and the other one on the table.

“Where?” Lily asked absent mindedly as she held cradled Harry in her arms, humming softly.

“It’s from Dumbledore.” Sirius tossed the parchment of the table and cracked his knuckles. “And the Ministry. They’ll allow me to go back.”

“Do you want to?” Lily asked softly.

Sirius sighed. “I definitely want to go back to Auror training but…” He wasn’t sure about The Order. Now he knew how Dumbledore lied to them- to everyone and he wasn’t sure he wanted to work for someone who did that. But it wasn’t his battle alone. Being in the order meant fighting secretly where the Ministry could not; not to mention James and Peter were still a part of it along with tens of other classmates who they’d been close friends with at school. Though the hallowed days of Hogwarts seemed long gone, the bonds remained-no one wanted to see the other die. “I’ll go back. It’s just…”

“Hush.” Lily quieted Sirius.

Harry had just fallen asleep and Lily put him in a cot a little away from them so that he was directly in front of them but out of ears’ reach.

“I’m starving.” Lily made her way to the kitchen. “I’m having some of the leftover soup you made last night. Want some?”

“No.” Sirius said. He didn’t feel hungry anymore and ate only when James or Lily sat him down and force fed him.

“You have to eat, Sirius.” Lily said. “It’s been a month. A hard month but your falling sick doesn’t help anyone.” She sat down on the couch with a bowl in her lap, eating ravenously.

She looked tired, all of them were, honestly. Harry slept all day and stayed awake all night, crying and they all took turns taking care of him but Lily really looked tired, more than he felt or James looked. “You should get some sleep. If he wakes, I’ll be here.”

“I know.” Lily sighed. “I feel like a zombie but if I sleep while he’s awake, I feel so guilty.” She laughed, embarrassed. “Feels like I’m doing something wrong when he doesn’t stop crying and it’s frustrating and I’m angry and scared and happy and I don’t know what else. I just wish our moms were here to teach me but they aren’t and I…” She choked, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I don’t know  if what I’m doing is even right or wrong.” Sirius sat down beside her and pulled her close, letting her cry. She’d been having tremendous mood swings lately. She’s been sad and then angry and then happy and the smallest of things triggered her. “And Remus..he left..he left us and he didn’t even see Harry. Harry will never know uncle Moony and what if something happens to him and…”

“Shush” Sirius rubbed her back. “Nothing is going to happen. It’ll be okay.” He didn’t believe a word of it as his heart ached in thoughts of Remus but hoped it helped Lily. That was the priority.

“How does Petunia do it? Is she better at being a mother than I am? What if she was right and I’m weird and abnormal and Harry hates me when he grows up?”

“Merlin, Lily!” Sirius pulled away and looked at her. “You’re here and you love Harry and you care enough to worry about these things. That already makes you a good person.” She sniffed, looking away. “Don’t worry about Petunia or what she’s doing. Harry is lucky to have a mother like you.”

He kissed her forehead. “You know what will really cheer you up right now?”

Lily nodded.

“Ice-cream.” Sirius giggled. “I’ll get some from the fridge .”

***

Lily paced up and down the stone floor, biting her nails. Her hair was falling all over her face and even Harry kept silent in his crib, sensing that something was not quite right.

“He’s never late.” Lily said. “He’s always back by seven and..and he doesn’t even have patrol duty today.”

“Just half an hour more.” Sirius looked at his watch. “If he’s not back by eight I’ll go.” Sirius knew It was irrational to get so paranoid because James was late by thirty minutes but he understood Lily’s fear and it was getting to him as well. With each passing minute he was assuming the worst.

“That is it. Stay with Harry and I’m going to look for him.” Lily said and was in front of the door in an instant. Sirius had to run after her to stop her. “Lily, no!” He pulled her back.

“Let go of me, Sirius.” She fought back. “Let go.” She fought against him as Sirius held her arms and even before either of them could comprehend their movements, her fist connected with his jaw, harder that he could’ve anticipated.

Sirius heard a crushing noise, his teeth clashed and his ears were ringing as his vision blurred and tilted dangerously. He was down on the ground, his legs felt like jelly. A distorted voice was apologizing but it was overlapped with another bone chilling, nerve racking voice that he’d dreaded all his life. " Filthy creature, scum! Freak!”

“Sirius, Merlin! I’m so sorry.” He blinked his eyes, but everything was hazy and Lily was crouching in front of him, saying something, he didn’t quite understand. Something stung the skin on his cheek and he slowly found his sight clearing.

“I’m so sorry.” Lily looked more terrified that Sirius had ever seen. “Fuck! Sirius, are you with me?”

Sirius nodded. He wasn’t sure he could get words out of his throat now.

“Jesus! I’m so sorry. I’ll get some more ice. Just stay. Don’t move.” Lily hurried and returned with a frozen ice packet and held it on Sirius’s face.

It was an accident; Sirius knew it and didn’t mind a bit but it’d triggered him. His mind reeled back to Walburga’s violence and that amplified with the shock of being punched pulled him over the edge. He was panicking, his chest was hurting..no..he wouldn’t do this here…no..stop….

“Washroom.” He mumbled, hoping but not caring if Lily understood.

Fuck. His chest hurt, he was gasping, there wasn’t enough air around Walburga’s shadow that he saw looming around him. He was down on all fours, blackness creeping around him. His neck and face were burning from the pain of the Cruciatis while his feet were tingling, cold, numb.

Please stop.

His whole body was crumbling, bending in on itself, his organs were aching. Remus was gone. Regulus could’ve been dead.

No!

He was on the ground, curled up into himself, the world seemed sideways.

This would be the end of him.

*

“Sirius?” Lily was cautiously peeking through the bathroom door. Sirius heard her clearly, his vision was sharper. He sighed. He didn’t know how long he’d been lying on the floor but the worse had possibly passed. He was breathing normally. He pushed himself up and sat with his back to the wall as Lily tiptoed in, handed him a glass of water and sat down opposite to him, keeping quiet some distance between the two of them. Sirius was grateful for that.

“I’m sorry.” Lily looked down, picking at a loose thread on the floor mat. “I didn’t mean it…I…”

“Lily, I know you didn’t.” Sirius said hurriedly. “I’ve been hit worse during quidditch. This is nothing.” He ran his fingers on his right chin; it stung a little and his jaws were a little sore but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t deal with. “Is James back?” He asked when Lily didn’t look up or say anything.

She nodded her head and softly said, “No.”

Sirius noticed that it was ten past eight-so he hadn’t been in shock too long. “I should go, look for him.”

“Can I ask you something?” Lily looked up hesitantly. “I’ve known little but I’ve never really asked..”

“Lily, we don’t need to do this now.” Sirius sighed. He knew Lily was very perceptive and while she’d never asked him or, to the best of Sirius’s knowledge, James, anything about how Sirius was abused-to what extent; she’d always known. And Sirius wouldn’t mind telling her but with everything going on there was no need to do that now. “She’s dead, you know it was bad and it left scars and I get triggered sometime but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“What if I’m as bad as her?” Lily asked.

Sirius laughed. “What?” Lily was being ridiculous; she couldn’t possibly be serious but she wasn’t laughing, in fact now she sort of looked hopeless.

“My..punch..triggered you..what if I’m as bad as your mother and I hit James or Harry someday…” She whispered.

“Lily,” Sirius crawled over to sit beside her. “It was an accident and you’re kind and gentle. You’re never going to hurt your child and James’s never been hit a day in his life; he’ll laugh it off.”

Lily stayed silent, staring distantly into the opposite wall. “I don’t think I’m ready for this. We’re twenty and now I’m a mom and I don’t even know how to be a mom and everyone else is dead.”

“Lily, look at you. I would say your mom did a great job and so did our mum; you just have to look at James to know that and believe me if you’re ever out of line, James will pull you back. I can assure you of that.” Sirius bumped his shoulder against hers playfully. “Yeah?”

Lily sighed. “We need to get you some ice for that cheek.” She looked at him.

“Lily..Sirius…?” James’s frantic voice came from outside and Sirius and Lily scrambled to get up and see him.

“Merlin! James where have you been?” Sirius asked as Lily threw herself in his arms.

James seemed a bit disoriented as he hugged back Lily and looked at Sirius. “What the hell happened?”

“It’s nothing” Sirius said at the same time as Lily whispered, “I punched him.”

“You did what?” James pulled away, wide eyes oscillating between Sirius and Lily.

“It was an accident.” Sirius said. Frankly it wasn’t a big deal but Sirius knew how careful James always is regarding anything physical with Sirius. He knew, in details, about what Walburga did to Sirius and even when they fought playfully at Hogwarts, the Marauders were careful. They knew too much always sent him reeling.

“I’m sorry.” Lily said again, covering her face with her palms. “Sirius, I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“You can right now.” Sirius said lightly. “How about that ice-cream we were having earlier.”

“Absolutely!” Lily smiled. “I’ll get it.”

As Lily went to get the guilty pleasure desert, James looked at him warily. “You okay? Come here.” James pulled him into a hug and sighed deeply. “I’m sorry.”

“It alright” Sirius said, feeling the warmth of James’s affections. “But something’s up with you. What is it?”

“Just give me two minutes.” James said.

James got a change of clothes and stared at Harry, sleeping peacefully while Lily got them the ice-cream tub and spoons.

“There’s something..something happened.” James took a deep breath as they sat around a small table.

“ What?” Lily asked, a spoon full of mint ice-cream in her mouth.

“Karkarov is in custody.” James said.

“What?” Sirius was stunned. He was known to be a high ranked Death Eater and everyone who’d been previously caught by the ministry had been low level recruits, mostly under the Imperious curse, as they claimed. Arresting Karkarov was a huge breakthrough.

“What’s the catch?” Lily looked at him cautiously. Something else was clearly wrong.

“Apparently, it was a planned attack. Moody had been tracking him for months and today he took just four Aurors for a raid. It was all very hush hush, maybe only Dumbledore knew. They had the upper hand but something went wrong. Karkarov’s arrested but Moody’s at St. Mungo’s. He’s gravely injured, lost one of his legs and I don’t know anything else but it’s bad, I think.” James dragged his palms down his face, exhausted.

“And?” Sirius prompted. There was something else.

“ They’ll start sending us on raids starting next week. Even you, Sirius. You’ll go back, I guess Dumbledore sent you a letter, train for this week and then we’re going to be out there.” He looked at Lily, scared and apologetic.

“But you haven’t graduated yet. There’s still a year left to go.” Lily said, horrified. Sirius couldn’t say  that the thought of being out there didn’t churn his stomach but this was going to happen sooner or later.

“They’re not teaching us everything. I now realize why they didn’t teach us potions, poisons and antidotes and other different charms.” James massaged his temples like there was a pain forming on his forehead. “They just want us to fight. They taught us all that. Just fight. The Ministry is falling short on Aurors, people are dying and disappearing everyday both muggles and muggle borns. We’re on the brink of exposure, thanks to Voldemort. The ministry and the Order want us to fight.”

“I’ll go and talk about my training tomorrow.” Sirius sighed.

Harry’s cry broke through the dread that had settled around them.

“I’ll get him.” James got up and scooped Harry up in his arms, rocking and whispering to him.

Sirius looked at them, his heart aching at how temporary this felt. With them fighting in the actual war, everything was going to change. They could all die. “I need to get some air.” Sirius said and put on his jacket. “I’ll get some food when I retune, maybe in an hour. Okay?”

Lily nodded as he closed the door behind him. He had to lean against the wall and wait a few minutes before he could make his legs respond. It’d been a long fucking day and he hadn’t seen Regulus in two weeks. Maybe he could see him tomorrow morning before going to the Ministry. He decided to take a long walk to clear his mind a bit and then get food.

That night, they ate their Indian takeout in jittery silence that only broke when Lily said, “Shouldn’t we go and see how Moody’s doing?”

“I don’t think they’ll let us see him.” James said. “He’s under high security protection.”

“Oh!” Lily said and got back to picking at her food.

“James, Lily.” Sirius knew it might not be his place to say this but there was no harm in trying. “ I think you both should go out together..like on a date and I’ll take care of Harry. You need it.”

“I don’t need to go anywhere.” Lily said, looking scared suddenly. “I don’t know, mate..” James sounded hesitant.

“ I’m just saying this because Lily has been cooped in here for months except hospital visits and Lily, I think you need a break.” Sirius looked at her. She would go over the edge if she continued like this.

“Pads, I don’t know if it will be wise to go out with everything that’s been going on.” James said. “but thanks, it means a lot. Maybe some other time. Yeah?”

Sirius nodded and dropped the topic, scared to even imagine that there might not be a time as good as this in the near future.

As the house quieted around him, Sirius lit up a cigarette and stood by the large window beside his make shift bed. The moon would be full in two days. Third consecutive moons he’d spend apart from Remus but he knew there was no point keeping count any longer. He wasn’t coming back. The moonlight drenched the vast expanse of field in front of him, with the distant city light shimmering on the horizon. Everything seemed deceptively calm. Only the crickets chirped and frogs croaked as bats flew in and out of the trees. Sirius was surprized to find himself calm despite the fact that they were going to battle in a week. Perhaps he was getting used to the inevitability of doom. There was nothing they could do anymore except having each other’s back and amidst this war he was grateful that one thing had remained constant- He’d always have James’s back and James would always have his.

With that consolation he butted out the cigarette, crawled into his bed and went off to sleep.

***

Sirius was jolted awake and grabbed his wand instinctively. He looked around and saw that everything looked pretty okay. So what had woken him up?

And then he heard it again. A shrill, agonizing cry.

Lily!

He ran down the hall way to James and Lily’s bed room and pushed open the door to find her thrashing on the bed as James tried to calm her.

“Lily, wake up, baby.. it’s a dream…” He heard James say as Lily screamed again. At that Harry woke up, crying.

James looked torn between his wife and child and Sirius immediately stepped in. “I’ll take him, James.”

He took Harry and left the room as Lily’s screams died down, replaced with soft sobs as James consoled her.

“Hey, Harry…” Sirius cradled him in his arms and hummed his favorite songs. Harry calmed as they stood by the window. “ You’re so loved. You’re safe. Okay? Mum and dad are here to protect you. Uncle Peter and I-we’re here to protect you. And you see, out there somewhere, Uncle Remus, Moony is there. We’ll all protect you. Okay? No matter what.”

Harry stopped crying as his eyes drooped. The baby smell around Harry always calmed him too. It was happiness mingling with pride and laughter that made his heart warm and glow. He could fucking glow  with that love.

“Sirius.” James was standing at the door. “Thanks.” He said as Sirius turned to him.

“Is Lily okay?”

“She didn’t wake. I guess she’s okay.” James said. “I can take Harry now.”

“No, no. It fine.” Sirius said. “Get some sleep. He’s safe here.”

“I know. Thanks again.” James said as he yawned. 

Sirius tucked Harry safely on bed side that was against the wall, curled up around him, with his palm on Harry’s legs- to make sure he’s safe and fell asleep instantly.

He was woken up next by Lily’s shouting, “James, get up. Where’s Harry?”

He wanted to let Lily know Harry was with him, safe but in his sleepy mind, he realized that the words didn’t come out of his mouth and the next moment, he was wide awake as a terrified looking Lily scooped Harry up from beside him. Dimly he noted that it might just be dawn, as the candle by his bed had been lit, illuminating Lily’s face. “Lily you can take some rest. He’s safe with me.”

Wordlessly she left and Sirius felt empty. It felt strange, like a vital part of him had suddenly gone missing. He assumed, that emptiness is what Lily possibly felt every time she thought about how there’s a target on Harry’s back, hell of a lot magnified, possibly. Harry was, after all, James’s and Lily’s flesh and blood not his. And the disconnection he felt as soon as the thought hit him was alarming. He’d never paid much attention to how flesh and blood mattered because it’d never mattered to him. The Potters’ had taken him in and never treated him any different than James. In fact, James on multiple occasions, had told him how him parents love him more but he’d done so with the broadest smile on his face, without a hint of jealousy or remorse. And when Sirius had been concerned if that alarmed or annoyed James, he’d said, “I love you as my own brother, I’ve always wanted one. So how can I be angry if they love you more when I love you as much as I love myself, if not more.” The last part had been said with a wink and shining eyes, jokes with which James covered up most serious emotions as a kid but Sirius knew it was true-every last word of it. And Sirius had loved Mr. and Mrs. Potter, adored them. And James knew he loved them too because as they’d sat at St. Mungo’s, their parents on the verge of death, James had said, “ They’ve always loved me and I feel like I’ve taken them for granted all my life; got embarrassed when they bought us matching pajamas. Merlin what would I not give to have that back! But you’ve never taken them for granted, appreciated everything they’ve done for us. You love them more than I do.” So in Sirius’s mind flesh, blood, lineage didn’t matter- love and trust could bloom without that connection but now things had changed. James and Lily had a kid! And Sirius knew nothing about how Lily felt about trust. She would trust Remus in and instant but with Sirius, the friendship had grown late. What if Lily didn’t trust him enough with Harry?

A loud voice at the back of his head said, “They made you Harry’s Godfather!! You moron.”

Sirius sighed and, for the moment, decided to listen to the loud voice. Everything would be fine. They’re in a war and fear brings out both the best and worse in people and he’d long believed that if he loved and was loved for his best and worse, everyone else deserved the same, especially Lily, who has to carry the future of a child on her shoulders. She deserved every love and support in the world.

As the inky blue sky grew brighter, Sirius decided to go and meet Regulus. There was a long day ahead and he could use a distraction.

***

“Sirius?” Regulus opened the door before Sirius had a chance to knock. He looked more awake than Sirius felt but he was glad to see his brother look healthier. Regulus was walking without the crutch though with a noticeable limp.

“Don’t you sleep?” Sirius asked as he sat down on Regulus’s bed fighting the sudden urge to lie down.

“Not really. Tea?” Regulus asked as he filled a kettle with water. “ I know you prefer coffee..”

“Tea’s good.” Sirius yawned. Merlin fuck! Why the hell was he feeling so tired suddenly.

“What the hell happened to you?” Regulus asked and Sirius saw him look at his cheek.

“It’s nothing really. Accident.” Sirius yawned again and Regulus raised his brown questioningly . “Have you sprayed some sleeping incense here? How the hell are you awake and I’m practically about to drop off.”

“You need healing.” Regulus stirred the cup and handed it to Sirius as he sat down beside him. “Do you need to be somewhere later?”

“Yes. The Ministry and then the Order. They’ve called me back.” Sirius took a sip of the tea. There was definitely something mixed in it. “What the hell is this?”

“When do you have to be there?” Regulus looked at his wristwatch. Was that a muggle wristwatch? “Just something to calm you. You’re gonna have a full blown breakdown if you don’t stop over-thinking.”

“Ten-ish, I guess. Is that a muggle wrist watch?” Sirius could feel his muscles relaxing and it would really feel fucking liberating if not for the awkwardness he felt for being relaxed.

“Yes. The magic ones don’t work here.” Regulus got up and gently guided him to sleep. “I’ll be here when you wake up. You won’t be late for the Ministry.”

And without much thought he drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

***

Sirius felt a comfortable hand on his shoulder. “Sirius, wake up.” Sirius tried opening his eyes but he was so sleepy. “Brother?”

“Yes.” He groaned, physically unable to open his eyes or move a muscle.

“Hey, you said you need to be at the Ministry.”

“Fuck it. Let me sleep, please.” Sirius really didn’t want to go fight for anyone anymore save for his family. He definitely didn’t want to fight for Dumbledore anymore, it had, in a way, cost him Remus and he wasn’t about to lose the best sleep of his life over this shit.

All he wanted was to be at peace and he finally felt close to it. “Just let me sleep.”

When he finally woke up, he heard Regulus’s footsteps around the room and tinkling of utensils, the aroma of food instantly made him ravenous.

“About time.” Regulus handed him a glass of water. “Drink up.”

“What time is it?” Sirius asked, it was almost dark outside.

“About six.” Regulus brought a bowl of soup and placed it in front of him. “Eat, brother.”

Sirius look at Regulus and felt eternally grateful for having him. “I love you so much.”

Regulus tolled his eyes. “Perhaps I should’ve measured my herbs more carefully.”

“No Reg, I mean it. I don’t say it enough and I..”

“Sirius, I know.” Regulus said kindly. “What you feel now is what you’re supposed to feel under healthy circumstances. You’re always on edge. Now eat, I assume you have to go to the Order HQ. Get me some muggle newspapers and also the Prophet, last few week, if you can get your hands on them.” He said as Sirius ate from the bowl.

“Why?”

“ I need to know about his attacks, disappearings, killings. I feel like I’ve hit a wall with the Horcruxes. Is there more than one? Is he gathering precious items to make more of them? If so, why? It’s easier to make a horcrux out of a single Galleon. Why isn’t he using simple items. Do magically imbued materials have some special characteristics? If so, how do we destroy them? There’s too many questions in my head and I need information to process.” Regulus pulled his hair back. It’d grown down till his shoulders and it was the first time Sirius had seen Regulus with long hair.

“Okay. I’ll get them.” Sirius said, smiling.

“What?” Regulus looked ta him, annoyed. “Why are you staring?”

“The hair..it suits you.”

Regulus scoffed. “Yeah! You’d think so. I also need to go home and get books. Dad’s library should have loads about the dark arts. These are ancient spells and we have ancient books.” Regulus pulled at his hair again, pacing the room and then rolled his eyes as Sirius smirked.

“You’re not going anywhere near the house. I’ll go.” Sirius finished the soup and washed the bowl at the sink.

“Not alone, you aren’t.” Regulus said. “You don’t need to wash that.”

“Yes. Alone” Sirius said. “I’ll come back in two-three days and then talk about this. I have to go to HQ.”

“Yes, yes!! Always busy.” Regulus sighed. “Get me some good food when you come next. Indian.”

“Sure. Absolutely.” Sirius pulled his brother close and hugged him. “Thank you for everything.”

“Don’t get all sappy now.” Regulus patted his back.

Sirius chuckled. “ Be back in two days. Promise.”

The sense of relief started to fade as he apparated in a dark alley three blocks from the HQ. As he recited the address in his head after walking up to a dilapidated building, a door emerged and he entered.

“Sirius, mate. Where have you been?” James hurried up to him in the corridor. We were so worried. Lily was so sad she acted the way she did. She’s just been so paranoid and Merlin! We thought you’d just left..”

“James, slow down.” Sirius held his shoulders. “I just went to pick up some things from the flat and I was so tired, I dozed off and woke up at five. I’m sorry, I worried you two.”

“Oh.” James seemed to contemplate this. “So are you leaving Auror training?”

“No.” Sirius nodded. “ I have to talk to Dumbledore.”

“So you’re leaving the Order?” James’s look of desperation stung Sirius.

“James, I’m not going anywhere or leaving anything.” Sirius tried to sound as reassuring as possible. “I just fell asleep, that’s all. I’ll go to the Ministry tomorrow and now I’ll talk to Dumbledore.” James seemed a bit satisfied but there was panic in his demeanor. “Prongs, I’m here okay?”

“Sirius!” Dumbledore called him. He patted James reassuringly before making his way over to the headmaster.

“So, I assume you will come back?” He asked as they moved away from the other Order members.

“Yes.” Sirius replied.

“And you understand that it would mean you would have to follow certain rules.” He said calmly, going through a parchment on a table.

“Yes.”

“I understand, you know what happened to Remus?” He looked over his half moon spectacles, the usual twinkle in his eyes absent.

“Yes.” Sirius grinded his teeth, shifting on his legs. He’d never forget what Dumbledore had cost him but there were other things at stake and he couldn’t leave his friends alone.

“You have to stop contacting him. It’s in your and your friends’ benefit.” He said.

Whether it really was or not, Sirius couldn’t say but he knew he wouldn’t go searching for Remus again. Remus didn’t want to return and the message had been delivered louder than he’d care to admit. “It won’t be a problem.”

Dumbledore nodded. “You did not go to the Ministry today.”

“I will, first thing tomorrow.” Sirius said.

Dumbledore nodded and he knew that was the end of the conversation.

James was standing outside the door, biting his nails anxiously. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t it be?” Sirius shrugged.

“You’re coming back, right?” James bit his lower lip and Sirius wondered what was making him so anxious but he dropped it now.

“Yeah.” He said and patter James carefully on the back. “Let’s get some food and go back home.”

James sighed and finally smiled. “Thanks.”

***

“It’s your birthday in a week, Pads.” James said as they sat around a table having dinner.

“Yeah…I..It doesn’t really matter.” He stabbed his chicken with the fork.

“Of course it does.” Lily said. “We are in dark times. It’s important to celebrate what matters.”

His birthday hardly mattered. Sirius wanted to say but it didn’t. Nothing mattered anymore and arguing about petty things made even less sense. And these days every disagreement became arguments. Lily was almost always angry. There was a blazing fire that Sirius saw in her all the time. She’d always been kind and fierce but anger seemed to overtake everything but Sirius never said anything. He knew they were all on edge and if staying in an abusive household had taught him anything, it was this that anger is good, anger keeps people alive. So he kept his head down and let Lily get it all out when she went over the edge. James was worried and anxious. He just wanted to keep Lily and Harry safe and he would go to hell and back to achieve that but that didn’t stop him from being anxious. Sirius had thought multiple times about going back to the flat but every time he brought that up, James and Lily shut him down saying that the church was big enough for them to be under the same roof but stay separately, privately. Sirius couldn’t fight that argument. So he sighed and stayed put. It was the first night in two weeks that they were having dinner together and Sirius didn’t want to ruin that.

“I’ll make a cake and we can call Peter.” Lily smiled. “I haven’t seen him in ages.”

James nodded. “Sure.”

Sirius looked at them. They looked weary and tired. The last couple of months had been hard on them. They’d been to a few raids on behalf of the Ministry and there had been a few casualties on both ends. The only reason he was still sane was because it wasn’t anyone he knew. Yet. But soon more would die, the army falling one by one. But he resisted from that thought now. Compartmentalizing fears. It was a new thing he had picked on while his meetings with Regulus. His brother often induced a sleep state that mostly compensated for his sleepless nights and it help him stay rational. It made him numb in a good way and helped him carry on from day to day. But that was the only good thing happening. Every passing week, Regulus grew more agitated. He kept hitting walls with his search for the Horcruxes. On more than one occasion he’d wanted to go back to the world and search for answers but Sirius had protested. Tintagel Castle was the safest place for Regulus now. People were disappearing and dying every day and if word were to get out that Regulus were alive, Voldemort or his followers would tear down the entire country to find and kill him. Though Sirius knew it wouldn’t be long before Regulus stopped listening to him, for now Regulus was safely tucked away.

“Sirius,” James’s voice broke his trance. “You okay?” James looked worried.

“Yes..yes, I’m fine.” Sirius noticed James and Lily had both finished eating. “It’s fine. I’ll do the dishes. You go get some rest.”

“No, we can stay.” Lily said. “Harry is asleep and we can stay, keep you company.” But she was already yawning.

Sirius smiled. “It’s okay. I got this.”

James and Lily smiled as they went back to their room, Harry sleeping peacefully in James’s arms.  

Sirius’s organs twisted inside when he saw the peace they had. He wished them the world but wished Remus back everyday. He didn’t care about his birthday because it would be the first without Remus, in a decade and Sirius couldn’t imagine waking up in the morning without Remus by his side. He really should get used to the idea of Remus’s absence, I’d been almost five months since he’d left but he still expected to see Remus every time he walked into a room. He’d been having dreams lately, glimpses of the past, when he sometimes dozed off for a few minutes- Remus’s dirty blond curls in the sunlight, his long fingers around a cup of tea, a crocked smile baring his canine teeth, the scars on his chest...he almost always woke up, heart hammering in his chest, looking around, expecting to see Remus leaning against a wall with a tea cup in his hand. He’d read that time heals all wounds, but Remus’s absence created a void that devoured his cells one by one.

He realized it was 11 by the time he found strength in his legs to get up and move. He did the dishes and lit up a cigarette as he stood by the window. It was almost dark, the distant horizon flanked by a few flickering lights.

Five months without Remus, five months of a cold empty bed, five months of not being kissed by those soft, dry lips, a mouth that always tasted of chocolate, honey tea and occasionally cigarettes, five months of no sassy comebacks, no giggles at Sirius’s bad jokes, no sneaking into the showers, no transformation. Without Remus the only thing that kept him going was Harry and his immediate safety. The compartmentalizing didn’t work most of the time, especially with Remus and that was because he wasn’t here. He couldn’t just sneak a sideward look at Remus and know that he was fine even if they were fighting. He was miles away, across mountains and rivers and ridges, hidden away from the world. The candles around him were dying out, casting their last breath on the night walls, ghosts of memories and another day they’d survived, another day without Remus. Every now and then he decides to give up keeping track of how long his love has been gone but the full moon always came back and resumed the calculations. But it was okay. He told him self it was okay. It wasn’t a lie, there just wasn’t any other way to be other than fine.

“Sirius.”

James was standing by the door, but Sirius’s tired eyes couldn’t tell if he was really there until he moved to stand beside him.

“I’m sorry.” James said.

“For what?” Sirius asked. James was the last person who needed to be sorry for anything. Lily and he were the only things keeping him sane.  

“Because we keep losing people and with Regulus and then Remus..I just..”

“It’s..I’m not..It’s okay.” Sirius tossed out the cigarette butt that had burnt to ash with him having taken barely two drags. “It’s okay. You know me. I’m okay.”

“And we haven’t…Since Lily and I got married and after Harry, were not who we used to be. And I don’t like who I’ve become, you know, I’m actually scared. When mum and dad died, I thought the worse had already happened but now with Harry, I know how usual it feels for a parent to die and kids to live while the opposite terrifies me like nothing else. Facing the killing curse seems like child’s play.” James lit up another cigarette. Sirius looked at him intently, looking at his brother’s face, seeing fear and pain that he hadn’t seen before.

“Why are you so sad?” Sirius asked without thinking.

“I miss Remus. Lily too.” James took a long drag. “She doesn’t say but I know. And I…how could he just leave? After everything I wonder sometimes if there’s more to it that we know. We all, regrettably, know what Dumbledore is capable of. What if this is another mission, another long term plan? Another …”

“No..Prongs, listen.” Sirius struggled to burst the bubble of reassuring thoughts but there was no point in thinking the best. “He really is gone. He’ll come back, if Harry’s in danger. He will. I need you to know that but otherwise..”

“And you?” James asked and the question felt like a punch to his gut.

“Me what?”

“Won’t he come back if you’re in danger?” Sirius looked away from James.

“We’re in danger every day and he isn’t here and you know what despite all my anger a part of me is glad. He’ll be alive. I wish you too would go into hiding with Harry and Lily and when this is over I’ll come find you and then we can live, really live you know.” It was a glorious thought, the possibility of it was enough to make him cry. “Will you do that James?”

James’s eyes were swimming with tears, “I can’t.” He simply replied and Sirius knew enough to know what James was saying, ‘I can’t leave you to fight a lonely battle…if there’s a death sentence hanging over my kid’s neck, how can I not fight for him.? How can I let other people die for my kid without dying myself first? How can I run and hide when I have the choice of fighting to make the world a better place for my kid?

Sirius nodded, understanding everything, thought he wished he didn’t.

“All I’m asking, Sirius, and I’ve been thinking a lot about this…” James hesitated. “See, I’m not angry at Remus for leaving, sad, yes but not angry. I understand and respect his choice though I would’ve preferred if he told us before leaving so that we didn’t assume he was dead for two months but anyway..” He cleared his throat, “I’m not angry but you love him and that…”

“Yes it does.” Sirius said when James hesitated. “I feel more angry than I would because I lo..love him.”

“..Yeah so...but I...if something happens to you, Merlin forbid Sirius, but if it does I will call him back.” James sighed. Clearly, he’d put a lot of thought into it and was glad to have the words out. “Past few months have been enough to know that anything can happen to us and I’ve…”

“James, no. Please.” Sirius whispered. “I appreciate it but he’ll blame himself. He’ll think everything that went wrong is because of him and I don’t want him to think that.”

James had clearly anticipated this answer and just sighed. “But shouldn’t you and he get to say goodbye.”

“I’ve already said my goodbye..sort of..I don’t know but it’s better than him blaming himself for the rest of his life. Besides he can always say good bye to my grave.” I’d sounded better in his head and James just nodded his head disapprovingly.

“But there’s something I need you to do, if I die.” Suddenly Sirius thought about how he’d got to know of Regulus’s supposed death from Voldemort. No one should have to go through that especially not his brother. He got that night’s dinner receipt from the table and scribbled down the instruction on how to reach Regulus and put a simple concealment charm on it. If he dies, his magic dies as well and James will know how to contact Regulus. “When I die…”

“If..” James corrected him.

“Whatever…when it happens, I need you to go here and you’ll know what to do.” Sirius handed James the piece of paper. “Please, just trust me and don’t ask anything more and don’t look unless I’m dead. You’ll know what to do then, I promise.”

“Okay.” James whispered.

“Promise me, James.”

“Yes, okay. I promise.” James said. The power of words.

“This is ridiculous.” James said after a while. “ We’ll survive and none of this will ever matter.”

“Yeah.” Sirius replied but they both knew that the other didn’t believe it.

***

“Lily are you sure about being here?” James looked around uneasily and Sirius couldn’t deny that he felt very uncomfortable about the entire situation.

“No, James. I’m not sure but how long am I going to hide and be completely useless?” Lily moved around gently with Harry in her arms who looked around with wide eyes full of curiosity.

“You’re not being useless. Protecting Harry is a full time job.” James huffed.

“You know what I mean. Yes fighting out there can kill me, it is dangerous, I get it. But I can study medicine at St. Mungo’s. That can hardly kill me. And it’s the only thing I can do under the circumstance.”

Sirius understood Lily’s restlessness. In school Sirius had never seen Lily without a book. When it wasn’t study material, it was a story book or something interesting. She had a tremendous thirst for knowledge. Perhaps that’s why Dumbledore had set them up in an old library but now that wasn’t enough. She possibly felt like she had to do something worthwhile. But being here at HQ with Harry today made Sirius’s finger tips tingle. Something felt wrong but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“Maybe not do this today?” Sirius interrupted.

“Today is as good as any.” Lily looked at him.

“Yes, see. Even Sirius feels uncomfortable about it. Don’t you?” James pleaded with him to say yes.

Sirius nodded. “Something feels off.”

“Hey, guys!” They turned to see Peter standing at the door, looking slightly nervous but Sirius guessed everyone was nervous these days with missions being allocated at every meeting.

“Peter! How have you been?” Lily exclaimed. “I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Oh, I’m good.” He smiled and walked up to see Harry in her arms. Harry looked at him, eyes wide and smiled toothlessly making everyone laugh.

“By the way, we’re celebrating Sirius’s birthday tomorrow. You have to come.” Lily smiled and stopped Sirius from protesting with a pointed look. “ James already got everything for a cake. We’ll bake.”

“Yes, sure but..”

“I’ll get you Peter.” James said. "Say 11 in the morning? Provided there’s nothing allotted to us for tomorrow.”

“yeah! Cool.” Peter smiled.

Sirius sighed and massaged his temples. He really didn’t want a celebration under the current circumstances but there was no way he would dissuade Lily. She was hell bent on celebrating and Sirius knew there was no way around it.

“Guys the meeting is starting.” Frank popped up at the door. “Come on.”

No sooner did the meeting begin, than there was an ear-splitting crack of thunder as purple hues of light blinded everyone, disorienting them. Seconds later people were screaming down the road and Sirius dashed to look out of the widow. A building on the next lane was blazing white with fire, great puffs of smoke heaving up in the sky as the flames rose higher with the wind. It was only a matter of time before the surrounding building caught fire. As the rest of them peaked through the window, Fabian, pointed out and screamed. “I think it’s the death eaters.” There was a split second of silence as the thought sunk in-HQ was compromised. Sirius looked hard and sure enough, from behind the thick smoke of the fire, there were shadows making their way into the street.

The very next moment Dumbledore was shouting orders at one of the portraits to alert the Ministry and then at them to be ready for attack.

“James.” Sirius shouted. “Where’s Lily?”

James ran up to him and whispered into his ears. “I brought the invisibility cloak. She’s safe. For now.”

Sirius sighed in relief. He didn’t need to know where they were just that they were safe. The lesser he knew the better. Dumbledore’s instructions barely registered in his head and he looked at James for a gist of it.

“Attack. Run. Stay alive.” James said.

Yup. Standard.

“Why aren’t they attacking?” Sirius peaked out of the window. It had been a solid five minutes since the fire had begun. A crowd had gathered on the street as fire continued to blaze in the next one. The surrounding houses were burning now too as firefighters gathered around trying to stop the fire but to no avail. There was no way muggles could put away this fire. It was blazing too high and too hot to just be fire. It was definitely fueled by something magical.

“Professor, that fire looks..”

“Yes, Sirius. I have alerted the Ministry about that as well.” Dumbledore said. “They’re coming.”

People were gathering around the HQ every second. The fire had caught people’s attention and the siren of the firefighters were getting louder. They were almost here. The situation was getting worse quicker than Sirius had imagined and there had been no attack yet. With the huge crowd gathered around, defending the HQ would be difficult without exposure or civilian casualties and the fiendfyre just kept getting bigger biding its time before attacking.

Sirius, peaked out of the window, to see jets of water being sprayed in the next alley but the fire had already started spreading to the surrounding houses and then the fire started attacking, people started running around, screamed and every thing and every one around them were being incinerated.

Soon, Aurors arrived and presumably that is what the death eaters had been waiting for to cause maximum damage. The fire surrounded the HQ and the door was bombarded down.

Sirius’s mind king of went on auto pilot, he was deflecting spells and attacking even without looking at his opponents. If there was a curse directed at him, he deflected and if he saw a silver mask he attacked and didn’t stop. He couldn’t see the death eater’s faces so it didn’t matter, he might as well have been in the training, practicing on dummies. Everything seemed to go past him silently, until a silver streak narrowly missed him, leaving a small cut on his arm. Suddenly he was hyper aware of the noises around him, the fire burning, the smoke in his lungs, people screaming around him. He quickly looked around to find the death eater who’d hit him and cast a stupify. His instincts were telling him to cast the killing curse but he couldn’t say them and the it was too late he felt a spell hit him. He quickly turned around and cast a binding spell and punched him quite a few times to keep him down then the wall beside him exploded, the shock wave blasting him down the corridor.

Fuck! His ears were ringing and there was a splitting pain on the back off his head, his cloths were seeping with blood and there were tiny cuts forming on his skin, oozing blood.

He was disoriented. Where did the cuts come from? He was getting dizzy from the blood loss and as he turned his head sideways he saw a child hiding beneath a small area under a collapsed wall. The remains could cave in any moment.

“Come on.” He whispered and reached out with his arm to call the kid. He couldn’t hear his own voice and as he tried to move towards the kid, his insides felt like they were on fire and in his haze he realized he’d just vomited blood, stark red as compared to the dusty grey of the rubble surrounding him.

“Come on, kid. It’s okay. You’re safe.” He gasped. He had to get him out. Fortunately the kid reached out and instinctively helped Sirius up on his feet. Though he could scarcely feel the ground beneath him, he managed to trudge out with the kid’s help. He was desperately looking for an order member to get help. He knew he couldn’t carry on much longer. The other option was to walk out of the front door, but then what? There was fire everywhere probably by now. They would be incinerated.

With terror he realized that a death eater had walked in front of them. He’d half expected the kid to run but he didn’t. Sirius raised his wand to cast a killing curse but the death eater beat him and Sirius was disarmed. In a split second of thought he just wished he could at least say goodbye to his friends and brother and Harry and Remus. Oh Remus!

But the curse never hit him. The death eater fell to the floor in a blinding red light and then he saw Kingsley standing in front of him. “Sirius are you okay?”

But he couldn’t respond. He was drowning and falling down and endless black pit….

***

Sirius couldn’t really say what was going on around him. There were deafening noises but he couldn’t make out a single word or recognize any voice. He wanted to ask someone if the kid was okay, if James and Lily and Peter were okay. And Harry. Oh God! Harry was there too. No.. He tried to move. So much pain. But Harry..Harry..

“Harry is fine.” Someone replied. He didn’t recognize the voice but the conformation was enough. Merlin! He was burning. This wasn’t Crucio. This was worse, way worse. What could be worse than crucio? Maybe this was hell, for letting down everyone he’d loved, for not being good enough, for hurting Remus in fifth year.

Fuck. This pain for an eternity would kill him. Except he might already be dead.

He hopes Harry is safe.

He hopes they win the war.

He hopes Harry, Lily and James get a normal life together.

He hopes Remus stays happy.

He hopes Peter’s mum is alright.

He hopes Regulus understands.