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Lotor is a lot of things.

He’s cunning, strong, inscrutable. He’s proud and powerful and so beautiful that sometimes it takes Shiro’s breath away. He’s captivating and Shiro feels captive in a way he’s never felt before, feels like he’s being wrapped in chains that pull hot against his skin and fill his gut with fire.

Shiro tries his best to keep it together and mostly he succeeds. But sometimes Lotor leans closer while they’re going over star charts and Shiro can smell him- ozone and smoke, electricity and cool rain- and he can’t stop the shiver that runs over his skin, can’t help his lips parting around a quiet sigh.

Sometimes Lotor looks at him like he knows, his gaze sharp and intense. Sometimes Shiro sees Lotor’s nostrils flaring when he moves closer, like he’s smelling him, and he can’t help shivering at that too. He can’t help being undone by the way Lotor says his name, like he’s savoring it, like there’s something behind the rich tones of his voice. It feels like a caress and Shiro plays it over and over again in his mind as he touches himself late at night, in the shower, between meetings.

He’s never felt this way before and it’s agonizing, suffocating. It robs him of his self control and sometimes it’s all he can do to make it back to his rooms before he’s yanking his pants open and shoving his hand inside, thinking of Lotor’s stormy eyes and large hands, his wide shoulders and long legs, his powerful thighs.

He’s late to meetings, he rushes out as soon as possible afterwards, anything to escape even as the thing he wants most is to be caught and pinned down, to have Lotor’s hands on him and his smooth voice in his ear.

It doesn’t help that they both have trouble sleeping, that they keep running into each other at odd hours in the mess hall, on the bridge, on the training deck. Each encounter feels somehow illicit and dreamlike, and even though Lotor acts the same as ever when it happens, the knowledge that everyone else is asleep fills the air with shivering tension. Shiro isn’t sure if it’s his imagination or if it’s real that during these times Lotor seems to stand a little closer than usual, that his voice sounds a little lower and huskier.

Each encounter leaves Shiro reeling, leaves him hard and aching, and after a week of it he finally can’t take it anymore, can’t make it back to his rooms. After Lotor leaves the mess hall Shiro can barely wait until the door shuts behind him to wrestle with the fastenings of his pants, gritting his teeth so he won’t make a sound as he fists his cock. He screws his eyes shut and throws his head back, panting as he strokes himself quickly, his face hot with desire and shame. He shouldn’t be doing this, not here, probably not at all. He shouldn’t be thinking of Lotor this way, imagining what it would be like if Lotor was here to bend him over a table, to fuck him hard and fast as he whispered Shiro’s name into his ear.

It’s a shock when he hears the door open and he gasps when he sees Lotor standing there, looking at him impassively. Shiro freezes, every muscle in his body tightening as he watches Lotor watch him. He feels mortified and ashamed, exposed and trapped, and he’s so hard it hurts. His mouth opens like he’s about to speak but he has nothing to say, and he can’t even bring himself to put his dick away, to cover himself.

Lotor drags his eyes down Shiro’s body and he can feel it, like hot pressure stroking him.

“Shiro,” Lotor says slowly, his voice low and rich.

Shiro can’t help the way his hand tightens, can’t help coming with a gasp, shivering and fighting not to close his eyes. It’s so good, even despite the embarrassment, maybe because of it. His face is burning but his cock is pulsing in his hand and it’s an odd sort of bliss. He never thought he could feel so good and be so terrified, so completely ashamed all at the same time.

Fuck. Fuck! What the fuck is he doing, what has he done? And still, it’s the best orgasm he’s ever had and he wants the ground to swallow him up.

He needs to say something, apologize, explain himself, but his breath is caught in his throat and he can’t, he can’t make himself do anything except stand there, wide-eyed and trembling.

“Come to my rooms in two quintants,” Lotor says. “Don’t touch yourself until then. I will know if you do, and I will turn you away.”

His eyes narrow consideringly and then he turns and leaves and Shiro goes limp as he sags against the wall. He doesn’t realize he’s been holding his breath until he gulps in a lungful of air. What the hell just happened?

Lotor acts the same as always, if anything he’s maybe more distant than before. Except, now when he looks at Shiro his gaze seems like a brand, like an electric shock. Shiro doesn’t know what will happen when he goes to Lotor’s room, but he doesn’t touch himself no matter how much he wants to, because he knows that what he wants most of all is not to be turned away.

It shouldn’t be so difficult, he’s gone longer without jerking off before, much longer. But suddenly it’s almost impossible and he finds himself lying awake at night, fisting his hands in the sheets to stop himself from reaching for his cock.

Somehow he manages, and then it’s past midnight and he’s standing outside Lotor’s rooms trying to gather the courage to knock. He’s hard already, his pants are too tight, the fabric too rough over him.

The door opens as soon as he knocks and he steps inside to see Lotor sitting at the dining table. Shiro doesn’t know what he was expecting, but he’s surprised to see that Lotor is wearing his armor. He has his legs crossed and he’s resting his elbow casually on the table as he watches Shiro walk in.

Shiro doesn’t know what’s about to happen, what the rules of the game are or what he should do. As the door closes behind him he’s not sure if he’s meant to stay still or step closer.

“Come here,” Lotor says and it’s a relief, a relief to know what’s expected of him.

Once Shiro’s standing in front of him Lotor slowly runs his eyes down his body and he hadn’t thought he could get more hard, but his cock is throbbing and he’s desperate for anything.

“Kneel,” Lotor says and Shiro flushes at the order but he does as he’s told, shocked by his own eagerness to obey.

Lotor still hasn’t moved. He just watches Shiro kneeling there in front of him, staring up at him wordlessly as he waits. Shiro doesn’t know what he wants, doesn’t know if Lotor will give it to him.

“Touch yourself,” Lotor says.

He’s moving almost before he knows it, opening his pants and grabbing his cock to stroke it desperately.

“Slower.”

Shiro whimpers and immediately wishes he could pull the sound back into his throat but he slows. He ducks his head so he won’t have to see Lotor’s face and looks at Lotor’s boots instead, suddenly captivated by the way his heels are scuffed and worn, by the small rust-colored stain on one of his toes. He wants something he’s never wanted before, he wants Lotor to push him down to the ground and set his foot over Shiro’s throat, he wants Lotor to press down.

“Slower.”

The sound of Lotor’s voice feels like a physical blow and he jerks, slowing down. Fuck, but this is- this is- what is he doing? He’s on his knees while Lotor watches him jerk off and even as he flushes with shame he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Tell me, Shiro,” Lotor starts, and it’s shocking how good his voice sounds, “what do you think about when you do this?" 

Shiro licks his lips and closes his eyes. He can’t say it, he can’t.

“Tell me,” Lotor says forcefully.

“You,” Shiro says and it feels like the word has been punched out of him. 

“What about me?” Lotor asks, and Shiro knows if he looked up now it would be to see that Lotor is staring at him with one of his eyebrows arched pointedly. But he can’t, he can’t look, he can barely acknowledge what’s happening here, much less look at him.

“Tell me, Shiro.”

“I-” Shiro licks his lips nervously. His hips are shifting restlessly as he tries to get more of the feeling of his hand around his cock, but he can’t, he can’t- Lotor told him to do it like this, slow.

“Tell me.”

“I think about- I think about you,” he whispers, helpless to do anything but obey. “I think about sucking your cock, about what it would be like, what you’d taste like. I think about- about your hands, holding me down, and- and- I think about-”

He can’t, he can’t say it.

“Tell me.”

“I think about your- your fingers inside me, about your voice, and I- I think about you fucking me. I think about- yeah. That. That’s what I- I-”

“Stop touching yourself.”

Shiro exhales sharply, he’s so close, he just needs a little more, just a little-

But Lotor moves at last, using his toe to push Shiro’s hand away from himself and it’s all he can do to bite back a disappointed whine.

“I will consider it,” Lotor says, still unreadable. Shiro can’t help but look up then, staring at Lotor sitting so composed above him. “Return to your rooms, Shiro.”

Shiro’s eyes widen in shock and despair. “No, please- please, Lotor-”

“Prince Lotor,” Lotor interrupts. “When we are here like this, you will address me as Prince Lotor.”

Oh fuck. He closes his eyes and balls his hands into fists. Fuck. “Prince Lotor,” he says slowly, his voice shaking with need. “Please- please let me come. I- I need it, please-”

“No,” Lotor says firmly. “Return to your rooms, Shiro. Don’t touch yourself again until I say you may.”

Shiro stares up at him, wordlessly begging for mercy, but Lotor just smiles and it seems oddly brittle, cold.

“Go.”

It’s a struggle but Shiro manages to shove his erection back into his pants and does up the fastenings with shaking fingers. He’s not sure what he feels as he stands and turns away, walking back to his room in a stupor.

He wants to touch himself so badly but every time he seriously considers it he hears Lotor’s voice ringing through his ears-

Don’t touch yourself again until I say you may.

How long, exactly, did he have to wait?

Two days pass, and then three, and on the fourth day Lotor asks Shiro if he’d care for a spar and his eyes are dark with a secret that only the two of them know, and he says yes.

He can’t focus, he hasn’t been able to focus since that moment in the mess hall, and when he walks into the training hall he can only swallow helplessly. Lotor is just in the flight suit he wears under his armor and it hugs him sinfully, revealing every curve and sharp angle. He’s slimmer than Shiro expected, his shoulders more narrow, but he’s built of solid muscle and Shiro wants to climb him like a tree, wants to wrap himself around him and never let go.

He loses badly two times in a row, and by the third time he’s hopelessly hard and Lotor knows it. He ends up pinned face-down on the ground with Lotor on top of him, trapping his hands behind his back. Shiro jerks half-heartedly because he feels like maybe he should, but he- he likes being here, like this, trapped and helpless, and he gives up faster than he would have otherwise.

Lotor is heavy over him, his body hot and hard against him. He’s straddling Shiro’s ass and his groin is hotter than the rest of him, leaving Shiro painfully aware of what’s happening. It’s a struggle not to rut against the floor but through some miracle he manages it. And then Lotor leans down over him, his long hair brushing Shiro’s face, and suddenly he can’t breathe.

“You’ll come to my rooms tonight,” Lotor says quietly right into his ear. “Prepare yourself for me. You’d better not finish until I say.”

Shiro nearly finishes right then and there but instead he grits his teeth and forces himself to nod. 

“Very good,” Lotor says before he draws away and leaves, and Shiro lays there for ten impossibly long minutes before he manages to gather the strength to stand.

He walks back to his rooms in a stupor, his pants rubbing against his hard cock with every step, and when he gets into the shower he almost can’t help himself, thinking about Lotor, thinking about his voice and what he’d said. But then the old warning rings through his mind-

I will know if you do, and I will turn you away.

-and Shiro forces himself to turn the water to cold and stands there, shivering, until his erection goes down.

The next few hours are agony.

Finally it’s time and Shiro pushes his pants down his hips and gets the lube. He fingers himself alone in bed, his cock throbbing where it rests untouched against his stomach. He can’t help thinking about Lotor, wondering how big he will be, and pushes himself further than ever before, working himself open with three fingers, and then four.

He can’t quite reach his own prostate from this angle and it’s a mercy, he doesn’t think he'd be able to hold himself back if he could. Afterwards he gets dressed and leaves, ashamed and impossibly turned on as he walks through the halls with the knowledge of what he was just doing, with how slick his thighs are.

Fuck.

This is a bad idea, he shouldn’t be doing this. Lotor is- he is- he’s been an ally to them for now, but Shiro still doesn’t know his endgame, none of them do. He’s polite and accommodating and so impossibly beautiful but at the end of the day he’s playing a game that goes way above all their heads and-

And Shiro wants him more badly than he’s wanted anyone or anything in his entire life.

The door opens as soon as he knocks and he walks in to see Lotor is still in just his flight suit, and he can’t help licking his lips in anticipation.

“Take off your clothes,” Lotor says without preamble.

Shiro does as he’s told, peeling his vest and pants off until he’s standing naked and shivering before the Galra Prince.

“Get on the bed,” Lotor says after a long pause. “On your hands and knees.”

He swallows loudly and does as he’s told, feeling exposed and vulnerable as he drops his head down, closing his eyes and breathing hard. For a long time, too long, nothing happens. He wonders if maybe this was some sort of cruel joke, if maybe Lotor will send him away after all, and then he feels the bed dipping and Lotor is behind him. Lotor’s hand is firm and hot on the back of his neck, roughly shoving him face first into the sheets.

Shiro moans and jerks when he feels Lotor’s fingers wrapping around his wrists and pulling his arms behind his back, tying his wrists together with something smooth and soft. He fights for a second, equal parts arousal and fear filling him, but it’s too late.

“Settle,” Lotor orders and Shiro forces his body to still, forces his muscles to go slack. What the fuck is he doing? But it’s too late, he’s already here and at Lotor’s mercy, and there are two fingers pushing inside him. This should feel- different. Shiro isn’t sure how, but he’d been expecting- he’s not sure. Not this.

Lotor’s touch feels impersonal, perfunctory, his fingers are oddly cool compared to the rest of him. That’s when Shiro knows that somewhere along the way he’s made some sort of terrible mistake, that this isn’t what he thought it was.

“Very good,” Lotor says and Shiro can’t help shivering at that, still so impossibly turned on. His mind is hazy with arousal, he’s sweating already and they’ve barely even started. He can feel Lotor behind him, and then there’s something slick and blunt and huge pressing against him, inside him, and he groans loudly at the feeling of being taken and invaded. “Settle,” Lotor repeats, “take it.”

Shiro tries, tries to relax, but he can’t help twitching and shivering, jerking like he’s trying to get away. But it feels good, better than it should maybe, better than anything he can think of. Lotor takes him tightly by the hips, his claws like ten small points of pain piercing through the pleasure, and shoves Shiro’s knees open wider. Shiro cries out, panting against the sheets. He’s unmoored, untethered, drifting through darkness. There’s nothing left but the strain in his neck and shoulders pushing awkwardly against the bed, the impossible pleasure of Lotor sinking deep inside him.

“Lotor,” he whispers desperately.

“No,” Lotor hisses and slaps him hard on the thigh, making him scream more with the shock than the pain of it. But there’s pain too, and he doesn’t know if he wants to run toward it or away from it. “No, what do you call me?”

“Prince Lotor,” Shiro forces himself to say and shudders at the way Lotor fucks into him hard, just on this side of pain.

“Better,” Lotor says, bending down over him so he can say it directly into his ear. “What do you want, Shiro? Tell me.”

“Please,” Shiro moans. “Please fuck me, please- please just- please let me come.”

“No,” Lotor says even as he wraps his hand loosely around Shiro’s cock and starts to stroke, so slowly it’s barely more than just a tease. “You’ll wait until I say otherwise.”

“Please,” Shiro begs, stars exploding over the backs of his eyelids with each thrust, with each movement of Lotor’s hand over him. “Please, Prince Lotor, please-”

“Shut up,” Lotor says coldly and it’s like ice poured down his spine. “You’ll wait. You’ll wait for as long as I say.”

Shiro can only gasp and clench his eyes shut, can only take it. And then Lotor speeds up, tightening his grip around his cock, and Shiro’s moaning loudly, shamefully, with every movement. It’s too much, he’s been waiting for so long, he’s so close already, and Lotor is merciless as he pushes him to the edge. He knows what he’s doing, doesn’t he? He knows he’s driving Shiro wild, but he hasn’t said Shiro could come and he just keeps going, breathing harshly against Shiro’s ear.

“I’m close,” Shiro manages. “Prince Lotor- I’m close, please-”

“That’s a shame,” Lotor says casually. “You’d better hold back.”

“I can’t!” Shiro cries out. “I can’t- please- please stop-”

“You don’t tell me what to do,” Lotor snarls and it sounds impossibly cruel. “I told you not to come so you won’t, will you?”

Shiro struggles weakly, anything to distract himself, to get away, but he can’t escape Lotor’s cock inside him, Lotor’s hand over him. He’s doing this on purpose, isn’t he? He has to be. But Shiro can’t take it anymore, as much as he wants to obey he simply can’t.

He holds out longer than he thought possible but in the end it’s too much, too good, and he feels his entire body tightening, pulsing, and then he comes with a sob. Lotor fucks him through it, strokes him through it. His mind is blank and full of static, everything is dark and oddly cold around him. He’s shivering and he feels scared and amazing and- and-

And Lotor keeps going.

It’s too much- it still feels good but it’s impossibly intense. His skin feels raw, it feels like Lotor is touching a naked nerve, stripping him for parts, and it’s awful and it’s agony and he can’t get enough, can’t help wanting more.

“I didn’t say you could do that, did I,” Lotor says.

Shiro is sobbing for real now, struggling against the bonds tying his hands together, struggling against Lotor’s hand on the back of his neck, pushing his face into the sheets so hard he can barely breathe. He’s on fire, he’s drowning, he can’t think straight. It feels like a gift and a punishment all at once and Shiro’s never felt so out of control before, so taken and full. It goes on and on, forever, and then he realizes that Lotor is talking.

“I hate you,” Lotor whispers, his voice harsh and raw. “I hate all of you for what you did to me.”

“Lotor, please-” Shiro sobs, overwhelmed and unsure and still so painfully aroused.

“I never hurt you the way you hurt me,” Lotor says against his ear. “I saved you, I surrendered to you- and you put me in that tiny cage for a month.” He spits the word ‘month’ out like it’s something dirty, like it’s degrading for him to use the Earth term. “You left me in solitary confinement with nothing but your questions to look forward to, no way to even sleep under the glaring lights. I was slowly going mad with it, but still I gave you everything you asked for- everything you wanted.”

He’s still fucking Shiro even as he rages, the loud slick sounds filling the room. Shiro can’t fight anymore, doesn’t have the strength for it. He doesn’t understand what’s happening but he understands that he just has to take it, wait until Lotor is finished. There’s nothing he can do but wait, and gasp for breath, and listen.

“The others are just children, they didn’t understand what they were doing, how cruel they were being- I don’t blame them. I blame you, Black Paladin. You’ve been in my place, you knew and still you- you-

“And then you sold me away, traded my life for an empty promise like it was nothing, like I was little more than trash, like I was worthless. After everything I did for you, after I-”

Lotor gasps and stills, buried deep inside him as he finally lets go of Shiro’s cock. It’s a relief, it’s bliss, and finally Shiro can draw a deep shuddering breath.

“And still you had the nerve, the sheer audacity to ask more from me, to ask for this.” Lotor fucks into him sharply, just once, and Shiro moans helplessly.

“I’ve given you everything you asked for now,” Lotor whispers into his ear. “I’ve given you everything you wanted and more. Maybe now you’ll finally be satisfied.”

Lotor pulls out and frees Shiro’s hands before standing. Shiro collapses to the bed at last, fighting to catch his breath as he looks up at Lotor standing over him. He’s still hard, still wearing his flight suit, unzipped as far as it will go. Lotor’s eyes are filled with cold fury and Shiro can’t help shrinking back from him.

“I’m going to shower,” Lotor says, low and dangerous. “When I return, you won’t be here.”

He leaves and it’s devastating and it’s a relief and Shiro’s shaking too hard to stand. He hears water running in the other room and raises his hands to his face, wiping away tears.

Fuck.

He doesn’t know how he feels. Maybe he should feel used, or betrayed, but instead he feels like the betrayer. His heart hurts, he can still feel the echoes of Lotor inside him, can feel lube trickling slowly down his thighs and come drying over his stomach. He wipes at himself half heartedly with the edge of the sheet, too shaky and weak for anything more.

Shiro isn’t sure what he’s meant to do now. Lotor told him to go, but somehow that doesn’t seem right. And then he hears an odd sound, so quiet he thinks he imagined it, and he raises his head to listen. It comes again, muffled and far away, almost lost under the sound of running water. The bottom drops out of Shiro’s stomach as he realizes-

It’s a sob. 

Lotor is weeping in the other room.

He feels so cold and lost. He forces himself to sit up, wincing at the ache in his shoulders and neck, the ache inside him. All he can do is rest his elbows on his knees and drop his head into his hands and wait. He listens to Lotor’s quiet broken sobbing and his heart throbs painfully in response. What has he done? What have they done to each other?

Maybe he really should just go like Lotor said, maybe he should leave Lotor the fuck alone and forget this ever happened. Except- leaving now seems like the worst possible thing he can do, he feels it in his gut.

The water shuts off and it’s too late to change his mind. He looks up as Lotor walks back into the room and draws up short. He’s shirtless, naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist, and it’s the first time Shiro has really seen him. His skin is covered in scars that tell a dark story- he’s been held captive before, he’s been tortured before. And they did it to him again with barely a second thought. His hair hangs damp and limp down his back, his eyes are rimmed with red, he looks exhausted in a way Shiro has never seen anyone look before, like he’s ready to collapse right then and there. Shiro can’t look away.

“Why are you still here,” Lotor says flatly.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro says, not entirely sure what he’s apologizing for. Everything.

“Get out,” Lotor says.

“No,” Shiro says. Lotor scowls and storms over, raising his hand like he’s about to hit him. Shiro doesn’t flinch, tilting his chin up defiantly instead. He doesn’t think Lotor will really do it, wouldn’t mind too much even if he did. Lotor falters, and then he’s scowling harder and taking Shiro by the throat, shoving him back against the sheets as he looms over him.

“What more do you want from me?” Lotor hisses. “I have nothing left to give.”

Shiro raises his hands slowly, and out of the two of them Lotor is the one who suddenly seems afraid. “I’m sorry,” Shiro repeats as he cradles Lotor’s face in his hands like he’s precious and fragile.

Lotor is trembling as Shiro pulls him down on top of him, sliding his hand to the back of Lotor’s neck, into his hair, holding him close.

“What are you doing,” Lotor asks, his voice muffled against Shiro’s neck.

“Holding you,” Shiro says.

Lotor is tense against him, but he’s not trying to fight or get away and maybe that means Shiro’s finally doing the right thing.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro says quietly. “It wasn’t right. And you’re not worthless.”

Lotor starts trembling harder and makes a quiet sound against him, and Shiro can feel wetness against his skin. He closes his eyes and holds Lotor closer, smoothing his hands down over his back, pushing his fingers slowly through his damp and tangled hair. He wants to keep talking, to smooth everything away, the strange and dangerous thing that happened between them, the hurt they’d caused Lotor without even meaning to.

The silence feels good though, and maybe it’s enough that Shiro stayed.

Eventually Lotor stops shivering, and when he shifts restlessly Shiro lets go of him and lets him pull away. Lotor carefully doesn’t meet his eyes as he moves to curl up on his side, his back turned to Shiro.

“Do you still want me to go?” Shiro asks quietly and realizes it’s the first time he’s ever asked that, asked what Lotor wants. It’s the first time any of them have.

For a long time Lotor is silent, and then he curls into himself further, tense again. “I don’t know.”

“Alright,” Shiro says. “Alright, then I’m going to- I’m going to stay.”

“Do as you like, Black Paladin.”

“Shiro,” Shiro says firmly, raising his hand to run his fingers gently down Lotor’s back. “Or- Takashi, if you want.”

He takes a chance and pushes closer, wraps an arm around Lotor’s waist and buries his face in his hair. Slowly Lotor relaxes against him. He’s never been this close before, he may never be allowed this close again. But for now, at least, he can fall asleep with his senses full of Lotor, full of the smell of ozone and smoke, electricity and cool rain.

fin.