Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

What the hell is he doing in there?

Yuzuru hit the doorbell button with his shoulder for what seemed the thousandth time.

I swear to God that if he’s just napping on the couch again…

He resigned himself to a cruel fate and put down the four bags he held in his arms, full of groceries to the brim. Regretting now his decision to buy the ingredients in order to make his fiancées favorite dish.

Who knew you needed so much shit to do a freaking paella?

His arms hurt. His back was killing him.

And that lazy fucker is probably sleeping somewhere…

He finally found his key to the apartment and opened the heavy wooden door, cursing all the way to the kitchen, finally getting the damned bags on top of the counter and gaining back the feeling on his thin arms.

“Javi!” he called out.

The only answer he got was a soft meow. Effie padded her way to him like always, almost as if welcoming him home. She gently nudged his leg and quickly sat in front of the door.

She has been acting weird for days now, I should ask Javi if maybe we should take her to the vet.

He was starting to get worried about the lack of response from his partner and ran to the bedroom to check if he was just deeply asleep, indeed.

It happened before, the idiot sleeps like a log.

The bed had been obviously made after he left that morning.

I guess my lectures finally worked.

Javier wasn’t the tidiest person, but he had to admit that the older one tried his best to please him and abide by his every whim. So, once he had moved he had settled a few rules, making their bed before leaving the house, was one of them.

He knew the other one wasn’t fond of the task, but he was always the first one to wake up and leave for training early in the morning. Leaving Javier to deal with whatever mess they had made the night before.

And today was no exception.

He searched for his phone somewhere in one of his pockets and called the familiar number he knew by heart.

There was no answer. It didn’t even ring.

Well, thank God it’s not an emergency. Why is he always running out of battery?

The apartment was eerily quiet, he found it almost disturbing, he peeked over the couch to check on their cat and found her still on the exact same spot.

There’s something seriously wrong with that cat…

“Shit.”

I forgot her food.

Going back into the kitchen to grab his wallet and keys, he noticed the post-it note on top of the fridge.

“I have a late training session today, won’t be home till dinner.

Te amo.”

At the end, he had even drawn one of his ugly little hearts.

He loved the man, but he couldn’t draw hearts to save his life.

It was a fact.

Still, that meant that Javier could stop by the store and grab some cat food on his way home.

And that means that I don’t have to leave the house and get all wet again.

Reminding himself that his partner’s phone was not an option, he tried Brian’s. Since they were still stuck in the TCC he could deliver his message, for sure.

It only rang once.

“Yuzuru?” Brian’s voice seemed off, almost like somewhat panicked.

“Hey coach," he couldn't find it in himself to just ignore it, "is everything okay?”

“I…how are you?” His tone changed to an almost desperate one, it was unsettling.

“Brian, we saw each other a few hours ago, I know you miss me when I’m not there but c’mon.” He joked.

The coach laughed as he intended, but it sounded more like a choked sob.

Is he crying?

“Right, you are right.”

He admitted that I'm right? There's definitely something wrong.

“Of course I’m right, could you tell Javi something for me?”

“Javi?”

“He told me he would be there all afternoon,” Javier wouldn’t lie to him, that much he was sure of, “he’s over there, right?”

“Of course he is,” this whole conversation seemed odd to him, Brian was taking long breaks between answers and it sounded like every line was carefully crafted, “what do you want me to tell him?”

Yuzuru told him the intended message and Brian simply hummed through it and the Japanese skater was getting the idea that his coach wasn’t paying any real attention to his words. This was not Brian’s usual behavior. At all. 

What on earth is going on?

“Brian, if our cat starves to death I’m going to blame you.”

For the first time since the beginning of their exchange, the Canadian let out a real laugh. Perhaps he was busy with the new kids. Jun must have done something to annoy him. Or even Javier wore him out with all his plans for the next tour of Revolution on Ice.

God knows he could go on about it for hours.

How his fiancée managed to teach a whole class of kids and still somehow promote skating on his home country, was something Yuzuru didn’t really understand.

He could barely skate and keep up with housework.

But wasn't his fighting spirit what made me fall in love with him, in the first place?

Giving up was not part of Javier Fernandez’s vocabulary and that had shaped him into the brilliant skater and man that he was today.

“Yuzuru,” Brian's voice brought his attention back to the phone currently held against his ear and supported by his shoulder, while he tried to sort his groceries and put them on the right cabinets, “will you...call me tomorrow?”

“Call you tomorrow? We have a training session at nine, are you canceling on me?”

He couldn't afford losing practice time just before the Grand Prix Final.

He was going to win that gold medal even if he had to go train at a public rink all by himself.

“Right.”

“Brian, is everything really okay with you? Do you want me to call Tracy? I know it’s her day off but I’m sure she can-”

“No!” his shout almost made Yuzuru drop the phone into the sink, “Don’t call her, I’m fine, really.”

“Okay then,” he wasn't convinced, but he would just talk to him tomorrow, “I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Brian took a second too long to answer.

“Goodbye Yuzuru, take care.”

“What is it?” She asked as she entered his office and saw his unsettled expression.

“I just got a phone call.”

“Who was it?”

“Yuzuru.”

Tracy’s eyes immediately filled themselves with tears.

It had been years.

“Our boy.”

"Not quite."

"Still, I miss him so much that it's just..."

She didn't dare to go on.

“Painful”, Brian looked at the flags surrounding the ice, one of them black, right next to the white and red one, “trust me, I know.”

“Yuzu!”

Javier’s voice echoed through the whole apartment. He was home.

Finally.

He almost ran all the way to the front door. Not even giving the taller one enough time to take off his jacket. As usual, Javier dropped the bags in his hands at once and caught him just in time.

He’s had years of practice.

“Javi!”

Javier held on to him and Yuzuru peppered kisses all over his face. Clearly, he had been missed.

“You know, I’m really enjoying this whole “welcome home” thing, but I’m getting you all wet.” He said pointing at his own jacket and Yuzuru’s now wet shirt clinging to him like a second skin, “even though the view is quite alluring now.”

The younger one scrunched up his nose as he started to actually feel the cold seeping through his bones and quickly jumped from the Spaniard’s arms. Once he had his feet back on the ground he smacked the side of Javier’s head.

“What happened to your phone?”

Javier smiled like a little boy caught red-handed and scratched the back of his neck, “It ran out of battery, sorry if I worried you.”

Yuzuru was about to start his usual speech about being a responsible adult and not worrying your partner like that when the Spaniard decided to cut him off and press his lips against his.

The cold from Javier’s lips made him shiver upon the contact, still, he couldn’t help but melt against him. Forgetting once again any concerns about his shirt. It was beyond saving anyway.

Might as well enjoy it.

Things were about to progress further, but Javier stopped the other skater’s wandering hands only to grab them on his own and place a chaste kiss on them, “I should get a shower, then we can have fun. It’s not very sexy to end up sneezing when I should be paying attention to other…things.”

Yuzuru laughed at him and at the whole prospect of a fun night, taking his jacket off him and hanging it on the coat hanger by the door, he pushed him towards their bedroom, “Go but make it quick. Food is almost ready.”

The Spaniard stopped on his tracks at the mention of food, “What’s on the menu?”

“Your favorite.”

“That was really smooth, but I’d rather have you later tonight with a full stomach.”

That earned another smack to his head.

“Okay okay, paella? You should have told me, so I could have helped you. Last time you ended up with a hundred bags.”

Yuzuru snorted at him and at the implication that he couldn’t carry a few bags, “I’m perfectly capable of-”

Once again he found himself silenced by a pair of lips touching his own, this time only warmth filled his entire being and he couldn’t help but run his finger through Javier’s hair.

God, I saw him just this morning and I already miss him like crazy. How could I ever live without him?

Hearing a moan escape the younger one’s lips, who was clearly far too gone to even realize that they had actually reached their bed, he untangled himself from Yuzuru and pecked his nose, “You are making this hard on me.”

“I’m glad.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Javier burst out laughing.

“I really need that shower…” Melting at the soft deer eyes he removed his hands from the wet curls and sent him on his original path.

“I’ll be in the kitchen, slaving over the stove for you.”

“You really are the best wife material. No wonder I want to marry you.”

Javier avoided the first pillow thrown at his face, yet he didn’t dodge the slipper.

Shoma raised his hand to knock on the familiar wooden door, yet he figured it didn’t make a difference.

Like always.

Fishing the key from his jeans he opened the door and prepared himself.

I hate doing this.

I wish I could just make it all stop.

Just one day, just one.

He entered the apartment and found Effie sitting on her usual spot by the door, looking at him with disappointed eyes. Shoma bent down and patted her head.

“I’m sorry little one.”

She seemed to understand him and softly meowed at him. As if saying, I know.

The interior of the house was cooler than the scorching sun he had braved just to get to Yuzuru. It took him almost half a day to reach him, but still, he had found himself incapable of not coming. These visits had somehow morphed into a duty he had placed upon himself.

A few weeks ago when his phone had ringed and he had talked with Yumi, he had made a decision.

It’s the only thing I can do for him.

It's the only thing I can still hang on to.

He made sure his red eyes wouldn’t betray him by checking himself on the mirror on the hall, wincing at his whole appearance, and took off his cap, hanging it on the empty coat hanger.

Shoma looked at his reflection one last time.

Only a broken man stared back at him.

He won’t notice.

Like always.

He tiptoed through the apartment, trying to find his old friend when he spotted him leaning against the stove and checking on some pots. No doubt cooking dinner.

For him and someone else.

“Yuzu?” He tried to call, without spooking him.

That didn't work as intended, as Yuzuru dropped the spoon he was holding and nearly hit a pan.

“Shoma? How did you get in?”

“The door was open.” he simply explained.

“It was?” he wanted to doubt his friend’s words but blushed at the reminder of his early activities and how Javier had been distracted enough to somehow forget about such things.

“He must have forgotten about it.”

“Who?”

“Javier, who else would it be?” Yuzuru shook his head at Shoma’s silliness and went back to the steaming pots.

“Of course.”

He didn’t notice how Shoma opened a cabinet just below the kitchen counter and took out a bag of cat food.

Or how he filled Effie’s bowl and she nuzzled his hand in a silent, thank you.

“So what are you cooking? Anything I can help you with?”

Might as well make myself useful.

“Oh, it’s just paella, Javi’s favorite. Which reminds me, did he bring Effie’s food like I asked him to?”

Yuzuru ran to the hallway to check on something.

Something Shoma clearly couldn’t see.

“Where did he put the bags? I can’t believe he forgot to bring it when I even called Brian to tell him exactly that...”

Wait.

“You called Brian?”

“I did, why?”

“Nothing, just...what did he say?”

He would have to talk to Brian one of these days. They had told him to stay away, but he knew it wasn't fair. He had been a father to Yuzuru for many years. He deserved better.

“He was acting weird actually like I hadn’t seen him just this morning.”

“That's weird, I bet he just had a rough day.”

“Yeah that’s what I thought too, well dinner is almost ready, will you join us tonight?”

He couldn't stay, that was one of his rules.

It would only get worse from there.

“I’m actually on a hurry and I don’t want to impose on you two.”

“You wouldn’t but I guess I can’t make you stay…"

Please…Please…Don’t leave me…Please come back…

Shoma shook his head and tried to clear his mind, locking his memories about that day back to the place where they belonged.

The mind was a dangerous thing, and you could only fool it for so long.

He needed to get out of there.

Fast.

“So any news?”

“No, everything's the same…Javi still can’t draw hearts.”

“Oh?”

“Here, he tried again this morning.” He showed Shoma the post-it in his hand, an old piece of paper, already crumbling and the writing barely there, a consequence of time.

A memory at best.

The same piece of paper Shoma had seen a thousand times before.

And every time he avoided looking at it.

For how long will we break ourselves like this? Over and over again.

Will I join you one of these days?

“Can you call Javi for me, I can’t hear the shower running so he must be getting dressed.”

I can't Yuzu.

You don't know how hard I wish I could call him for you.

“I...” the younger looked at the bedroom across the living room, the door was wide open, no light or sound came out of it. He closed his eyes and took a breath.

He needed to think fast.

He needed to think on how this night was going to end.

There wasn't a simple answer or a solution, but everyone had given up on one a long time ago.

Forgive me, but I’m not going to be brave tonight.

“He said he’s almost ready, he only needs ten minutes more.”

Yuzuru stopped fussing over some plates he was setting on top of the table and looked at him, “Oh great then.”

Time to go.

Shoma couldn’t do this for much longer so he just turned on his heels and headed for the door.

“Shoma?”

He couldn’t just ignore the quiet plea and the questions that it carried.

Be brave.

“Yuzuru.”

“Yes.” The older skater’s face betrayed nothing.

Are you still in there? Can you still hear me?

"You know what happened, don't you? You know about him? You remember?"

"Stop!" Yuzuru cried out, holding both his hands to his ears, in some attempt to cover them.

There, he could see it, a crack in all of his madness. He had seen it before, and that's what had given him hope to carry on with all of this.

That one day he would be back, and everything would go back to normal.

He had faith.

"I can't stop Yuzu, I can't just give up on you like this."

He started to make his way towards him.

He could reach him.

He was sure of it, "Javier wouldn't want me to give up on you either."

Shoma put his arms around the taller one and felt his tears fall. He had lost count of how many times he had tried. Yet something always begged him to try again and again.

They held each other for a long time, or at least that’s how it seemed to him, then all of a sudden he heard Yuzuru say something that crashed all of his illusions back to dust.

"Javier there you are."

Shoma opened his eyes and looked at Yuzuru, who was gazing lovingly at something or rather, someone by the bedroom's door.

He looks so at peace.

Who am I to disturb him, when the reality is much more painful?

You can be brave tomorrow again.

He let go of the older one and gently told him, “Say hi to Javi, for me?” he swallowed and turned his back to him heading for the door once more, “I miss him.”

They all did.

Yet he left more than a broken family behind. He left a ghost of a man suffering until somehow God remembers him.

“Of course!”

He let the tears fall and brought a hand to cover his mouth to stop the sounds from coming out. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Yuzu.”

“Bye bye!”

Shoma ran, and after grabbing his things he spared a last look at Effie, “I’m sorry.”

She tilted her head and he could have sworn he had heard a silent, I know.

He only made it as far as the elevator before he collapsed.

“I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry…”

The one that was supposed to hear these words could no longer hear him, but behind a closed door, a lifelong companion stood her place.

“Effie come here.”

She looked at the person calling for her like he did every day.

Yet she remained exactly where she was.

Where she had been for the last three years.

And just like a young man’s heart yearned for his best friend to come back to him.

She stood there, waiting for her owner to come back as well.

(to be continued)

Chapter Text

“It’s time to go Yuzu.”

Yuzuru got up from his kneeling position on the cold hard ground. Mud covered his knees, his once polished shoes and even part of his long, black winter jacket.

He didn’t seem to notice.

He stopped noticing many things, since then.

The flowers that someone had shoved in his hands, now lied in a messy pile on the floor.

They were beautiful. He liked roses. Did Javi like roses?

He didn’t remember. But that was okay, Javi liked anything he gave to him.

It had always been like that.

“We need to go.”

“Yes.” He looked up at his best friend’s concerned face, then around him, everyone seemed so sad and in a hurry to leave.

Why was Laura crying? It didn’t suit her.

“Yes, we should.”

 “Yuzu…”

“Hana stop poking your brother with the chopsticks,” Yuzuru took the wooden sticks from her chubby hands and stashed them away, “you use them for eating, not poking people!”

The little child nodded but he knew that this wouldn’t be the first time they would have this conversation. It was already the tenth time that week.

Standing by the coffee machine, he spotted Javier with his coffee mug in one hand with the other trying to muffle his laughter.

“Don’t laugh, it’s not funny!” he scolded him, hitting the side of his head with the chopsticks still his hands.

“Aren’t you happy she didn’t use a fork or knife though?”

“That’s not-”

“Knife!” they both looked back at the breakfast table as Hana repeated her apparent new favorite word.

“Oh my God, no Hana no knife!” Yuzuru hurried back to the twins and gave her a plastic fork instead, “hurry up, we are late for school.”

“Yes, pa-”

“Yuzu wake up!”

“What…? What?” he looked around him in a daze and the apartment didn’t seem to have caught up in flames, “Why am I awake?”

Javier gave his boyfriend the most patient look, and grabbed the covers that Yuzuru was starting to wrap around himself yet again, “Listen, I don’t know about you but I don’t really want Brian to give me a lecture,” he bent down to lay himself on top of his partner and suggestively whispered in his ear, “again, like every time that you got us late to morning practice this week, because you prefer a different kind of warm-up.”

Yuzuru kicked Javier off him, his face almost blood-red from embarrassment, “Like you didn’t enjoy it too.”

The Spaniard still clutching his bruised ribs, quickly realizing his mistake, did his best to backpedal, after all, the consequences of his careless teasing could be dire, “Hey hey I didn’t say that!”

His partner took back the sheets from his boyfriend’s grasp and wrapped them around himself, to cover his less than proper state, as he finally rose from their bed, “Sucks to be you then, because you are not getting any today or…ever.”

“Wait-”

Yuzuru’s screech echoed around the apartment as he fell into a heap of soft cotton sheets and limbs. The Spaniard could have sworn he had taken some piece of furniture down with him.

Javier made his second mistake that day.

He laughed.

“I hate you.”

“Love you too!” Javier screamed back at him as Yuzuru tried to compose himself and somehow get to the bathroom safely, still attempting to keep some of his dignity intact.

It only took him a few seconds to come back into the bedroom, a murderous expression in place as expected.

Javier didn’t think it would take Yuzuru this long to realize the obvious.

Time to pray.

“Javier.”

“Yes, love?” Javier put up his best innocent eyes and prayed he would somehow escape his boyfriend’s incoming wrath. They had a lot to do.

Try to get to the TCC alive Fernandéz.

“What time is it?” Yuzuru had his eyes closed and one of his hands pinching the bridge of his nose, obviously trying to keep calm.

Not a good sign.

“Six? Six-ish?” he quickly moved to the farthest side of the bedroom just in case the younger one decided to throw something at him. Wouldn’t be the first time, after all.

“Javier.”

“Yes...darling?”

“It’s six in the morning…training starts in three hours, so once again,” he walked slowly in Javier’s direction and the other skater gulped, he knew better than to lie to Yuzuru, even if for a good cause, “why am I awake?”

“You see…it’s not my fault…” Javier wasn’t sure if the day would end up as planned but he had to make sure he could survive long enough to get Yuzuru out of the house at this ungodly hour, get them both dressed and ready to go. Brian had been fairly flexible given the circumstances but he doubted that he would actually give them all the day off.

“Explain.”

“I checked my phone earlier in the morning, and Brian had left me a message to warn us that training had been rescheduled to like…an hour from now…?”

Yuzuru just shook his head and dragged himself to the bathroom once again, “I take it back, I don’t hate you…I hate both of you.”

“Hey!”

“Do you think I will forget him, mama?”

“You won’t.”

“Do you think he blames me?”

“He doesn’t.”

“But it was all my fault!”

“No, it wasn’t, please darling…”

“I should be the one in that grave.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“It’s what everyone’s thinking anyway, how can I even face his family when they know that it’s me they should blame!”

“Hey, where’s Jackson?” Yuzuru asked looking behind them and immediately noticing the bodyguard’s absence. That was unusual.

“I gave him the morning off.” His boyfriend answered, a suspicious smile on his face as he pulled him along by his hand.

“You did what?”

Nowadays days it had become rather unusual for him to walk anywhere outside without his personal bodyguard, it had seemed extreme in the beginning but after a few unfortunate encounters with some of his fans, the Japanese federation itself had suggested new security measures. Apparently, that’s what you got after winning an out of the ordinary amount of Olympic Gold medals and almost half a dozen World Championships.

He had fought the whole prospect of having someone shadow his every move in the Canadian city but after some seriously scary situations, even Javier had begged him to accept the new security detail. In the end, he had relented but in exchange, he demanded that only one bodyguard was to be hired and if he ever needed some time alone with his boyfriend then he would not interfere since he would never be actually alone.

Sometimes even champions needed to breathe.

“It’s like half past six in the morning, your stalkers are all asleep, charging batteries to follow you around in the afternoon instead.”

“Really funny,” Yuzuru laughed dryly and pointed his bony finger at him, “and don’t call them stalkers.”

“But they stalk-” he immediately stopped himself after getting punched on the left side of his ribs, “fine…I meant your lovely over-eager fans?”

“Slightly better.”

Javier laughed at his scrunched-up nose and fought the urge to kiss it in the middle of the street. Even after all these years, Yuzuru was still embarrassed out of his mind to share affection in public. And given the fact that fans had never stopped their (sometimes over the top, in Javier’s opinion) adoration for his boyfriend, they could never be totally sure that they were indeed alone.

Anywhere.

Forget the bodyguard, he hadn’t felt completely on his own since he started dating Yuzuru Hanyu.

It was unsettling and it made him slightly anxious every time he left the house, constantly looking over his shoulder reminded him of the old days back in Moscow, but that had been a price to pay after the public announcement of their relationship. He had wondered many times, what would it be like to just go back to Spain, take figure skating to another level back home, perhaps put an ice show or two together for the Spanish audience, marry a girl and start a family.

Simple and safe.

But could he really go back now? If he ever decided to go back home he would forever be branded as the man that had broken Yuzuru Hanyu’s heart, the scandal that would follow his career would get out of control in no time, he would never get enough sponsors to ever pull off any show of his own and even if he wanted to marry one day and start a family, his past would forever haunt them.

To be the one that left Yuzuru Hanyu.

He had replayed this possible outcome so many times inside his head. Him leaving, him saying goodbye, him embracing his family once again and never having to walk through the snow-covered streets of Toronto every morning to get to work, sparing himself a life of hardship and judging eyes.

Never having to wonder when I’ll finally freeze to death and be put out of my misery.

Javier looked at the person walking beside him, his hand tightly held onto his own. He smiled to himself, the outcome would always be the same no matter what. He could think of all the consequences that leaving would mean to him.

But, why think of all of this when you couldn’t even think of parting ways with your boyfriend for four days, when you needed to attend some competition on the other side of the globe?

Why even try to imagine a life without the love of your life, when you missed him already when he took too long on the shower sometimes?

“Javi…you’re thinking too hard, I can see smoke coming out of your ears…”

Yuzuru had stopped walking and looked up to him expectantly, his head tilted to one side and half of it hidden by a gigantic beanie, his red scarf swallowing almost his whole face.

He looked ridiculous.

Why think of leaving Yuzuru Hanyu when that, has never been truly an option?

“It’s a beautiful day don’t you think?” he said and just threw his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, pulling him onto his side, as if somehow they could get warmer that way.

Yuzuru opened his mouth to scowl at him but seeing Javier’s puppy face, he relented, “It would be even more beautiful if I could appreciate it from my warm bed, at home.”

“Would you look at that, Yuzuru Hanyu complaining about early training,” Javier teased, “a few years ago you wouldn’t have even blinked.”

“You are right, perhaps I’m getting old.”

If anyone is getting old is me, you just look fifteen like always.

“We both are,” Javier agreed and pressed a quick kiss to the side of Yuzuru’s covered head, the beanie almost falling off, he remembered how he had shoved it down his head right before they left the house, having to resort to some bribing to get his boyfriend to agree. It had been worth it, and so much better than having to listen to him whine about cold ears for two hours straight, “and I’m loving every second of it.”

Let’s grow old together, Yuzu.

Let’s share the rest of our lives together.

“Great, besides being deprived of sleep I also get the cheese.” Yuzuru tried to shove the Spaniard away from him but Javier was quicker and just wrapped himself around his small frame again, quite like a koala. Even with his enormous jacket, he could easily trap him against his chest.

“Shut up, you love me.”

Yuzuru looked around them, an unconscious habit, the streets looked almost empty so he decided to be brave and turned around in Javier’s arms, facing him, “You’re a sap, but you’re right,” he pushed himself up on his toes and kissed the other’s cheek, giggling like a teenager as he locked their hands together and kept walking towards their initial destination.

Javier still a bit moved by the bold gesture smiled.

This was the life they had both dreamed of for so long.

They had everything they had ever wanted from life: success and love, friends and family, dreams and a future.

Javier still remembered how they had gotten together all those years back.

A bit clumsy, a bit afraid of each other’s possible reactions. Yet neither had backed out at the last minute and laid their hearts bare to each other. Neither had a clue what the outcome would be, yet hoped for the same thing.

For their love to not be one-sided.

Once they realized that all this time they had been waiting for each other, it was like everything had fallen into place. They were good training mates and friends, amazing rivals and confidents once things got rough, but they were even better as life partners.

It all made sense. It all felt right.

Yet after today, nothing would be the same.

“Let me talk to him.”

“Shoma, he’s not well…and you…”

“What do you propose? That he hides here forever? Do you think that this would be what he wanted for him, that he becomes one of the permanent residents of this place alongside him?”

His face burned, a once soft hand had now marked his pale skin. A mark born out of anger, pain, and anguish. Perhaps for someone beyond saving.

“I don’t know! What I know is that he’s gone and I’m the one who has to deal with a barely alive son, so please just leave. He needs time, away from all of you!”

When Javier finally noticed their surroundings, they were already at the entrance reception of their skating club, the nerves were finally settling in. But not once did he have doubts about what he was about to do.

“Do you still remember your first day here?” he asked Yuzuru as they handed their ID cards to the lady in front of them.

The other skater looked at him quizzically, but answered nonetheless, “Yes, I remember being terrified.”

“What? Everyone instantly loved you once you arrived.”

It was true. Not a single soul on the Cricket Club had been immune to the gangly kid that had arrived from one of the biggest skating federations in the world. It had been years since they had welcomed such an important skater into the club and once Yuzuru showed his stupid infectious smile at people, it had been game over for half the staff.

“I wasn’t scared of Brian or the other coaches, you know.”

“Then…?” Javier couldn’t actually think of someone that would have intimated Yuzuru back at the time.

“I was terrified of you.”

Me?

“Wait, what? Why? We had met before, we had even gotten along pretty well.”

They had met briefly before his arrival at the Rostelecom Cup, yet they had both talked to each other without any contempt or ill feelings, Javier had actually been quite excited to finally meet the Japanese star.

Everyone talked about Yuzuru Hanyu. Everyone.

“Yeah, but it’s one thing to meet someone at a competition randomly and another to actually meet the guy who changed coaches because of you and made you share your coach and ice time.”

As they walked down the familiar corridors, Javier thanked whatever God that had been listening to him for the fact that it was mostly empty. It was way too soon for someone to be actually skating already.

“Oh please, I never cared about any of that, if anything you were the intimidating one.”

“I was just a kid, how exactly was I “intimidating”?” Yuzuru turned to him, completely offended at the prospect.

“Well you were a kid but so was I, and you came from a country where everyone kissed the floor you walked in, while I was almost a nobody.”

Yuzuru’s gaze softened as he remembered a Javier from a different time, a Javier that still hadn’t quite paved his way into this world. Remembering those times it made him feel even more proud of his boyfriend, he had come a long way since then. They both had.

“Shut up, I moved countries because of your damn quad Sal.”

“Yeah, Brian didn’t actually tell me that at the time.”

“He didn’t?”

That seemed odd, considering that that had been the first thing that he had told Brian after their meeting. He would train alongside Javier Fernández, no matter what.

Somehow that had seemed like a plausible reason for Brian and he had allowed him to come to Toronto with him, within hours after their talk.

He noticed he had been completely distracted and had almost missed the turn that would lead them to the rink and the changing rooms when suddenly Javier pulled him in the opposite direction.

“Where are we going? Brian’s going to kill us.”

“He’s not here yet, I didn’t see his car outside.” Javier had no idea about that but there’s no way in hell Brian would be at the rink at seven in the morning, and by the way, Yuzuru nodded at his explanation, completely unassuming he figured that it had worked, “let’s go somewhere first.”

Years ago, just about a year after he had retired from his competitive career, the TCC had come up with an idea. A collection of sorts of famous costumes. They had asked their most noticeable skaters to lend their costumes to them in order to put them on display. It had attracted many visitors over the years, and even the skaters themselves had found themselves looking at their own clothes, remembering old times and the glory that they had conquered with them. Some brought good memories, some reminded their owners of what they used to have and no longer could reach. To Javier it was something that brought him immeasurable joy, to be able to look back at his career and recall every competition, every effort, and tears.

“I still remember this costume.” He said, looking at the costume from his old short program, in which he had earned his first podium on the Grand Prix Final.

“Oh my God, someone needs to burn it,” his boyfriend had never been a fan of that costume, and once they had put it next to the others, he had screeched and closed his eyes, saying that it hurt him physically to look at it, “you’re just lucky I wasn’t around, I would have burned it while you slept, the yellow shirt makes my eyes bleed,” he mockingly rubbed his eyes and made a cross sign with his fingers at the figurine in front of them.

The next one was quite different from the rest, considering his option to not wear anything that sparkled much, a complete contrast to his boyfriend’s own costumes.

“Now this one I like.”

“Let me guess, because it has sparkles?”

“That and the hair, I saw your old performances and your hair was really sexy on this program.”

Javier smirked at Yuzuru’s dreamy stare and placed a kiss on his cheek, “Sexier than Zorro himself?”

“Don’t push it.”

“So mean,” Javier let him move away to the other side of the room, where his costumes were being held in their glass stands, “I never complained about your Juliet costume that looked it was held together by scotch tape.”

“Listen…”

“And then you decided to upgrade it and shove a boob skirt in there.” He pointed towards Yuzuru’s free program costume from his first Olympics and laughed at his completely unamused face.

“I hate you.”

“Love you too.”

“Socchi.” Yuzuru touched the glass in front of him and just like some sort of dormant magic, memories seemed to rush all over his body. The adrenaline of the win, the disappointment of his partner’s failure and the fear for what was to come. He had been only 19, winning a Gold medal, an Olympic Gold medal felt good, it felt like he could do anything from then on, he felt powerful.

The world had become his.

But what had it meant, really? It took him a while to understand just what exactly that medal entailed and how it would change his life forever.

Gold never came without a price, and to this day Yuzuru still believed he was paying for it.

“Damn, this looks so weird when I think of the Notte swan,” right next to the white costume, they could see his exhibition one, “where did the purple feathers come from?”

“I’m not even going to comment that one, you should have expected it given the designer you chose.”

“I was just a kid, I made bad choices okay.”

And I still kept making them.

“Right, you were 24 back in the 2018-2019 season and still made poor choices about people.”

He never regretted a program so much, he had put so much work and effort on the whole construction of Otoñal and yet the person that he had used as inspiration had turned out to be a disappointment. Someone he had trusted for so long yet he had never actually known. To the public, he had kept the same usual cute interactions with the senior but people didn’t take long to understand that something was irrevocably broken between them. Javier had been his solid support through all of it, holding him close while he wept silently as he listened to his idol’s harsh words on live television. For a long time, he had wondered if he had something wrong if he was really as weak as he had been portrayed, but his boyfriend had quickly put those thoughts away with patience and love.

“Did you bring me here just to call me out?”

“Sorry,” Javier tried to lighten the mood and pointed towards yet another costume, “look I loved that one!”

Yuzuru followed his line of sight and smiled once he spotted his old Hana ni Nare costume. It had been one of his favorite exhibition programs, the song had been so perfect and it had been a pleasure to skate to something so meaningful, so melancholic yet so full of life. He had no idea why it had been put on display but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

“And now we have Chopin number 467-”

“Shut up that's actually the first version of it.” Ignoring Javier’s jab, he turned around, and behind him a costume long-forgotten stared back at him, the hues of blue almost white, only the gold and the black of his cuffs remained almost intact, “The colors on this one faded…”

“What exactly happened to the other one?”

Javier had never asked about the first Phantom Of The Opera costume’s fate, but he couldn’t deny that he was still curious even after all these years. Did he keep it after everything?

“It was destroyed.”

“Good.” He moved closer to Yuzuru’s side and gave him a slight squeeze on his shoulder, something akin to understanding.

It made you stronger.

But you don’t need the memories.

“Now this one I like, your Seimei was really something, hein?”

“Seimei wasn’t mine. It never was.” Yuzuru said, looking at the intimidating warrior costume.

Seimei was nobody and everyone.

“The purple pants of sin indeed.” Javier whistled as he pointed towards the mannequin wearing Yuzuru’s purple costume. The prince performance had tested Javier’s limits and his self-control to a whole different degree.

The way it molded Yuzuru’s perfect figure was completely sinful. And more than once he had to cut his training short when his rink mate decided to test the costume during one of their joint practices.

He still didn’t know how he survived Worlds and the Grand Prix Final on that year.

“Oh shut up, this is my “Black Betty”, Yuzuru stuck his tongue at him, “such an underrated program.”

Javier decided to steer the conversation away from the topic and gestured towards one of his favorite ones, “Hope and Legacy was truly a masterpiece.”

It didn’t look even the slightest bit faded, the vibrant blues and greens all still impeccable against the white background. Like time hadn’t touched it at all. The costume a masterpiece itself.

“It was…did you know it was my favorite program?” Yuzuru asked him, as he gingerly touched the cool glass surrounding it.

“I thought it was Seimei?”

“Seimei is something I’ll never forget, and it gave me the Olympic title for the second time, but,” Yuzuru rested his forehead against the glass and let the cold bring back some of the best memories of his life, “back in 2017 I had already lost the world title to you, twice… I had a disastrous short, I didn’t know what was going to happen to me if I lost again. Still, Hope and Legacy lived up to its name, it showed me hope, it showed me what I could do, it gave me a glimpse of the legacy I could leave behind me. It made feel alive.”

Javier held his hand on his own and gave it a gentle kiss, “Well then,” he said, “I guess it’s my new favorite program too.”

They kept walking through the endless rows of fabric and sparkling jewelry until they reached the most resplendent costume yet, and the one that most visitors came to see from all over the world.

“Notte!”

The swan costume shined brightly under the artificial light, beautiful as ever. Its feathers a pristine white color and the jewelry intact.

“It’s remarkable how the duck suit kept its feathers until now, it was really worth the millions you paid for it.”

“Millions…?” he turned around and looked at Javi as if he was missing something obvious, “Javi it doesn’t have actual diamonds sewn into it, you know that, right?”

“I wouldn’t put it past you…”

“I tried but it would become heavy.”

“Oh my God.”

He tried to ask if he really had tried to stitch diamonds into it when they stopped by his own Olympic costume, “Okay I lied, the whole Don Quixote thing was my favorite program, ever.”

“Was it the sleeves?”

“It was the Olympics, I’ll never forget it.”

“Neither will I.”

It had been a year full of important decisions for both of them.

Full of pain and tears, of disappointment and lost hope.

Yet the most important year for both of them. Javier had gotten a bronze medal and his rightful place on the Olympic podium besides Yuzuru, as he won his second champion title.

Still, after the press and the laughter and the tears, all that was left was their inevitable separation.

So, they had both taken a shot in the dark.

Until then they had danced around each other for years, never crossing a line but always knowing that the line was something they had established themselves, without any real reason why.

That night had been a night of many firsts.

“Okay, I think it’s time for us to go, I swear I heard Brian’s voice outside.”

Yuzuru reached for his hand and together they left the old memories behind. The ghosts of their past had been responsible for everything that they were today. Yet, they refused to let them hold any power over them any longer.

And Javier would make sure they would start a new chapter of their lives together, soon. 

Their future, awaited.

"I had a dream once you know? About these twins...the boy looked just like you, and the girl would constantly...."

(to be continued)

Chapter Text

“Where’s everyone?”

For as long as Yuzuru remembered, since the day he had arrived at the club, he had never witnessed a scene like the one right in front of him.

Once they made their way inside the galleries that surrounded the rink, the only thing that greeted them was absolute darkness, the pitch-black room had an eerie aura to it and Yuzuru subconsciously reached for Javier's hand.

"What happened to the lights? Did Jun let the raccoons in again?"

The first time that it had happened, it had been funny.

The second time had been an accident.

The third time ended in tragedy, with Yuzuru finding the little creatures inside his skate’s bag, his towels completely destroyed and his blade covers thorn to shreds, resulting in Yuzuru lecturing Jun on how much money he would be paying him for the damages.

When he threatened to call his mother back in Korea, Jun had been close to tears and Javier himself had to stop him from kneeling right there apologizing.

It hadn't been fun.

“Yuzuru, I need to tell you something.”

Nothing good ever followed those words. In the movies something awful always happened, a breakup, a confession…something that would end in tears.

Still, he forced himself to be rational, why bring him to the TCC to break up with him? Why was Javier breaking up with him in the first place?

Just breathe.

“Are you…breaking up with me?”

He could barely see Javier's face with the few rays of sunlight that made their way through the high ceiling windows, but the distressed tone of Javier's voice was enough for him to know that he had completely misunderstood. “Why the hell would I break up with you?”

“Because that’s what happens in movies…?"

Javier shook his head and decided to ignore the completely illogical reasoning, “This is not a movie and I’m not breaking up with you," he pulled him towards the ice and ignored Yuzuru's complaints about Brian killing them for walking around on the ice still on their street shoes, “I’m actually trying to make you be stuck with me forever.”

He didn't have time to wonder what those words meant as Javier clapped his hands and all the lights were instantly turned on.

All around the ice rink, he could spot balloons and flower bouquets, even though there were no boards, the flowers were now all around the ice, encasing them in some fantastic scenery from a movie. They were mostly blue, his favorite color. The greenery between them truly made it look like someone had planted a meadow around the rink.

“What the…”

How on earth are we going to get these flowers out of her-

Oh my God, why are there flowers.

Are those real?

But why-

Oh boy, we are so dead.

But it’s so pretty.

“You okay there?”

Yuzuru realized that perhaps he had been quietly having a mental breakdown instead of actually reacting to Javier’s surprise, “I’m fine but…what’s happening?”

“Do you like it?”

“I love it, but Brian is going to kill us…” he looked over at the mirrors and he could barely see them with the number of golden balloons floating everywhere.

“I insisted on golden balloons, so you could be really surrounded by gold.”

“Javi what are you-”

"Look down."

Right under their feet, the light morphed into images. the fresh ice a completely white canvas of sorts. The projection grew smaller and into a square-shaped frame on the ice, so they could clearly watch the pictures change one after another.

All of them were pictures of them over the years.

Some happy, some sad.

Some where they looked victorious on their own and some others where they had finally celebrated together without any fear.

"Is that...us?"

"Yes, and we should thank our fans for some of these."

Picture after picture, they were reminded of all of their podiums, their old competitions, their medal ceremonies and their old rivalry that had defined a whole generation. It all seemed so distant now, like something out of a history book. Like those damn photos from the old boxes that his mother liked to show Javier every time he visited.

He watched himself win the Olympics more than once and wondered if he would be able to feel such joy ever again, but as he looked at the man beside him, he knew it didn't matter anymore. He had won the biggest prize of all already, so from now on he would skate for himself, just like he had promised all those years ago and failed to do.

"Why all of this, Javi?" He felt his eyes getting wet by the second.

"Well, the answer is simple." He almost stopped breathing as Javier kneeled down onto the ice, "Because I love you."

He quickly caught up with what was happening and couldn’t help but let out a nervous laugh between the silent tears falling without stopping.

“Yuzu, we might have been slow at this but-”

“You mean the seven years thing? Almost nothing.”

“Yuzu?”

“Yes?”

“Shut up and let me talk,” Yuzuru scrunched up his nose but still nodded, “as I was saying, we might have been a bit slow at this whole thing, but once we decided to take that leap, I feel like everything just…instantly came together.”

“You think?”

“Yuzu…”

“Okay, I’ll shut up now.”

“Good boy,” Yuzuru fell silent but whacked the shide of his head in some kind of warning after Brian’s words turning viral, Javier never failed to mock him for it, “I wanted to shower you in gold and that was what I tried to do here, but if could I would give you all the gold in the world.”

Yuzuru had always loved gold. He loved the color of it, the beauty and what it represented. But most of all, he loved the way gold looked hanging on his chest after a well-fought competition.

But then again, that had been true before all of this, before he had finally found a reason for waking up in the morning. A reason to look forward to what happened after training. After a long flight or a hard tournament.

Before Javier.

Yuzuru kneeled on the ice in front of Javi, and cupped his face in his hands, noticing how he trembled slightly in his hold.

“You already gave me the most important thing in the world.”

“What?” Javier asked him.

“Your heart.”

Javier laughed at his silliness, but in the end, he was right. His heart no longer belonged solely to him, he had given it up long ago. And he never wanted it back again.

“I think it was always yours, since the beginning.”

He had tried to fight it, he had tried his best to not fall in love with the only person he couldn’t have, in the end, he still failed.

Javier took Yuzuru’s hands in his and with a tight voice he continued on, “For someone that took seven years to realize he was madly in love with his rink mate, people might say this is a bit rushed.”

Yuzuru was about to say something but Javier quickly beat him to it, but to be honest, I don’t give a single fu-duck anymore.”

The way Javier stopped himself as he subtly looked behind Yuzuru, was all it took for him to realize they weren’t alone, and Javier had definitely requested somebody’s help with all of this.

Still, setting all of this up in one night was damn impressive.

“I want you now, I want you tomorrow and I know that I will want you forever. There’s no version of this life or universe where I don’t see myself wanting you.”

Yuzuru had simply given up pawing at the corner his eyes with the sleeves of his jacket and just let the tears fall, as he nodded along to whatever Javier said. He knew he looked like a mess and someone was probably recording it for future blackmailing.

He still didn’t give a damn.

Not when he would be marrying the love of his life and on his hand, sat the most beautiful ring he had ever seen.

Not when he saw the love on his fiancée's eyes and wondered how on earth he could be so lucky, to be able to love and be loved in return.

“We would have been amazing parents you know?”

Yuzuru sat down on top of the familiar patch of grass.

His back against the cold stone.

“We would have had a girl named Hana…in my head she looks just like you, she would have curls just like yours, and she would be the most spoiled child in the world. I no longer dream of her, not since you left. The dreams changed somehow, now I dream only about that day…and how it could have been different…”

“Can Jackson drive me to the rink tomorrow? I’m going to fall asleep on my way there.”

Javier knew he sounded whiny, but he was completely exhausted. His old skeleton could no longer keep up with the energetic kids skating around him all day and he absolutely didn’t feel like walking or driving.

“Stop whining, I need him.”

One of these days he would force Yuzuru to finally get his driver’s license, he would drag him there himself. Yuzuru had told him that it was useless since he had a bodyguard following him around and that he didn’t have a car.

That had been a dumb excuse since Javier had always told him that his car was at his disposal and Jackson wasn’t really his chauffeur.

If only he tried to take those damn lessons.

To be fair he doesn’t even know how to ride a bike.

“You are so mean to me, why are you even going shopping tomorrow?”

“I want to cook us dinner for once.”

Once they moved in together he always thought that Yuzuru would turn out to be useless in the kitchen, considering that his mother used to cook every single meal for him. However, he had been wrong. After reading some cooking books and watching a few YouTube videos, Yuzuru managed to replicate any recipe. It was kind of creepy but even his mother had been impressed when she had taught Yuzuru how to make a real Spanish paella.

Despite his obvious talent, it wasn’t that often that Yuzuru had time or disposition to cook at all, so whenever he could he would try some dish from Javier’s home because it made him smile and less homesick.

Javier never failed to remind him that he would never be homesick as long as he had Yuzuru by his side.

“Fine.”

“I also need to get cat food,” they had fed Effie her last tuna can this morning and couldn’t forget to buy her some more, “you can start checking the schedules of ceremony officials, I don’t want to get married five years from now.”

“I would wait that long for you.”

“Oh my God just cut it out and let me sleep.”

“Love you too!"

“Perhaps it would help?”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I don’t need to talk to some doctor and have her tell me that I’m crazy or something.”

“You are not crazy, you are just grieving.”

“Then let me grieve in peace!”

What the hell is he doing in there?

Yuzuru hit the doorbell button with his shoulder for what seemed the thousandth time.

I swear to God that if he’s just napping on the couch again…

He resigned himself to a cruel fate and put down the four bags he held in his arms, full of groceries to the brim. Regretting now his decision to buy the ingredients in order to make his fiancées favorite dish.

Who knew you needed so much shit to do a freaking paella?

His arms hurt. His back was killing him.

And that lazy fucker is probably sleeping somewhere…

He finally found his key to the apartment and opened the heavy wooden door, cursing all the way to the kitchen, finally getting the damned bags on top of the counter and gaining back the feeling on his thin arms.

“Javi!” he called out.

The only answer he got was a soft meow. Effie padded her way to him like always, almost as if welcoming him home. She gently nudged his leg and quickly sat in front of the door waiting for her owner.

He was starting to get worried about the lack of response from his partner and ran to the bedroom to check if he was just deeply asleep.

It happened before, the idiot sleeps like a log.

The bed had been obviously made after he left that morning.

I guess my lectures finally worked.

Javier wasn’t the tidiest person, but he had to admit that the older one tried his best to please him and abide by his every whim. So, once he had moved he had settled a few rules, making their bed before leaving the house, was one of them.

He knew the other one wasn’t fond of the task, but he was always the first one to wake up and leave for training early in the morning. Leaving Javier to deal with whatever mess they had made the night before.

And today was no exception.

He searched for his phone somewhere in one of his pockets and called the familiar number he knew by heart.

There was no answer. It didn’t even ring.

Well, thank God it’s not an emergency. Why is he always running out of battery?

 “Shit.”

I forgot Effie’s food.

Going back to the kitchen to grab his wallet and keys, he noticed the post-it note on top of the fridge.

“I have a late training session today, won’t be home till dinner.

Te amo.”

At the end, he had even drawn one of his ugly little hearts.

He loved the man, but he couldn’t draw hearts to save his life.

It was a fact.

Still, that meant that Javier could stop by the store and grab some cat food on his way home.

And that means that I don’t have to leave the house and get all wet again.

Reminding himself that his partner’s phone was not an option, he tried Brian’s. Since they were still stuck in the TCC he could deliver his message, for sure.

It only rang once.

“Yuzuru?” Brian answered him.

“Hey Brian, could you tell Javi something for me? He’s over there, right?”

“Of course he is, he was supposed to leave a while ago but we had some issues, what do you want me to tell him?”

Yuzuru told him the intended message and Brian simply hummed through it, completely distracted by the shouting going around him back at the rink.

“Brian, if our cat starves to death I’m going to blame you.”

The Canadian let out a real laugh. Perhaps he was busy with the new kids. Jun must have done something to annoy him. Or even Javier wore him out with all his plans for the next tour of Revolution on Ice while tending to the younger classes.

God knows he could go on about it for hours.

How his fiancée managed to teach a whole class of kids and still somehow promote skating in his home country, was something Yuzuru didn’t really understand.

He could barely skate and keep up with housework.

But wasn't his fighting spirit what made me fall in love with him, in the first place?

Giving up was not part of Javier Fernandez’s vocabulary and that had shaped him into the brilliant skater and man that he was today.

“Yuzuru, don’t be late tomorrow?”

He flushed at the jab, remembering the reason why he had been late that morning, “Brian!”

“The Final is getting closer, please don’t waste time on other…activities”

“Fine fine! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Kill me now.

“Goodbye.”

“Yuzu!”

“Yuzu!

“Mama?

“Sweetheart, were you having a nightmare again?”

“No, it was a good dream…”

“It was?”

“I dreamed about a very different night, one where things weren’t quite right but…better.”

“Honey-”

“Don’t wake me up again.”

“Yuzu!”

Javier’s voice echoed through the whole apartment. He was home.

Finally.

He almost ran all the way to the front door. Not even giving the taller one enough time to take off his jacket. As usual, Javier caught him just in time.

He’s had years of practice.

“Javi!”

Javier held on to him and Yuzuru peppered kisses all over his face. Clearly, he had been missed.

“You know, I’m really enjoying this whole “welcome home” thing, but I’m getting you all wet.” He said pointing at his own jacket and Yuzuru’s now wet shirt clinging to him like a second skin, “even though the view is quite alluring now.”

The younger one scrunched up his nose as he started to actually feel the cold seeping through his bones and quickly jumped from the Spaniard’s arms. Once he had his feet back on the ground he smacked the side of Javier’s head.

“What happened to your phone?”

Javier smiled like a little boy caught red-handed and scratched the back of his neck, “It ran out of battery, sorry if I worried you.”

Yuzuru was about to start his usual speech about being a responsible adult and not worrying your partner like that when the Spaniard decided to cut him off and press his lips against his.

The cold from Javier’s lips made him shiver upon the contact, still, he couldn’t help but melt against him. Forgetting once again any concerns about his shirt. It was beyond saving anyway.

Might as well enjoy it.

Things were about to progress further, but Javier stopped the other skater’s wandering hands only to grab them on his own and place a chaste kiss on them, “I should get a shower, then we can have fun. It’s not very sexy to end up sneezing when I should be paying attention to other…things.”

Yuzuru laughed at him and at the whole prospect of a fun night, taking his jacket off him and hanging it on the coat hanger by the door, he pushed him towards their bedroom, “Go but make it quick. Food is almost ready.”

The Spaniard stopped on his tracks at the mention of food, “What’s on the menu?”

“Your favorite.”

“That was really smooth, but I’d rather have you later tonight with a full stomach.”

That earned another smack to his head.

“Okay okay, paella? You should have told me, so I could have helped you. Last time you ended up with a hundred bags.”

Yuzuru snorted at him and at the implication that he couldn’t carry a few bags, “I’m perfectly capable of-”

Once again he found himself silenced by a pair of lips touching his own, this time only warmth filled his entire being and he couldn’t help but run his finger through Javier’s hair.

God, I saw him just this morning and I already miss him like crazy. How could I ever live without him?

Hearing a moan escape the younger one’s lips, who was clearly far too gone to even realize that they had actually reached their bed, he untangled himself from Yuzuru and pecked his nose, “You are making this hard on me.”

“I’m glad.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Javier burst out laughing.

“I really need that shower…” Melting at the soft deer eyes he removed his hands from the wet curls and sent him on his original path.

“I’ll be in the kitchen, slaving over the stove for you.”

“You really are the best wife material. No wonder I want to marry you.”

Javier avoided the first pillow thrown at his face, yet he didn’t dodge the slipper.

“Did you buy Effie’s food?”

“I completely forgot,” this time he wanted to smack himself, “guess that a trip to the store it is.”

“You are an idiot.”

He went back to their bedroom to fetch his phone and before he left, he decided to hug his fiancée one more time, kissing his neck right on his most ticklish spot.

“Are you trying to convince me to go to the store instead?”

“Not really, just missed you for a second there.”

“Well get on with it and come back quickly, the food is almost ready!” Yuzuru went back to the stove before he remembered that his bodyguard was still downstairs, “Oh and tell Jackson to go home.”

“He could drive me to the store though, people with my age shouldn’t be walking around in the snow,” after looking at Yuzuru’s skeptic face, he explained, “It’s dangerous.”

“Javier Fernández if you make Jackson drive you to the damn store after following me around all day so I could cook you food…I’m going to break up with you.”

That was enough for Javier to consider walking the ten-minute distance from their apartment to the store without any further complaints. “Yes, ma’am.”

Once again, Javier dodged an empty pot but didn’t miss the wooden spoon aimed at his head.

“Can you call Javi for me, I can’t hear the shower running so he must be getting dressed.”

“Who?”

“Javi, who else would it be Shoma?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The food is ready, just tell him to hurry up.”

“Yuzu, we are alone in the apartment, Javier’s gone.”

“I…you are right, I’m sorry I don’t know why I just said that.”

Javier made his way down the building stairs when he found Jackson still by their front door. He sometimes forgot about him, but he guessed that was the whole point of discretion.

“Hey Jackson, you can go home now, Yuzuru isn’t leaving the house tonight.”

The bodyguard smiled and nodded, “I see, are you going out?”

“Yeah, your boss forgot to buy cat food, so I’m going to that store down the street that apparently likes to be open twenty-four hours a day to sell stuff to absolutely nobody.”

Jackson laughed, “They sell stuff to people like you Mr. Fernández.”

“I liked you.” He clutched his chest in mock betrayal.

“I’m sorry sir, I’ll walk you out.”

Javier didn’t know much about Jackson, he never tried to know more if he were to be honest. However he had always been incredibly polite and discrete, and by his stature, he could assume that he was perfectly able to protect his fiancée.

And that had been enough for him, but something always nagged him at the back of his head.

Why had he never asked him about himself? How could he know nothing about someone that spent all day around them?

Did he have a family? Someone, to go back to after tending to Yuzuru’s needs every day?

“Hey, Jackson?” He shouted.

The tall bodyguard immediately stopped walking and looked back at Javier, “Yes, sir?”

“Let’s have some coffee one of these days?”

He expected the always stoic man to refuse his offer, however, his response was quite surprising, “It would be a pleasure, sir.”

Javier smiled to himself.

Everyone had a story to tell.

“Dinner is almost ready, will you join us tonight?”

“Us?”

“Me and Javi.”

“Yuzu, there’s only the two of us here…Javi is not here…”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s gone Yuzu!”

Once Javier got inside the store, his coat completely drenched and snow covering his beanie, he noticed how only Maria sat by the counter scrolling through her phone. Like usual, it was completely void of any costumers.

Same old, same old.

“Hola Maria.”

“Hola!”

“Cat food?”

“Yup, Yuzu forgot to buy some.” Maria looked up from her writing and laughed at his annoyed face, “Again.”

“Poor Javi, Mr. Hanyu is really not sparing your Spanish ass.”

Javier laughed at Maria’s sass and felt his spirits be lifted up as he was now free to speak his first language freely, even if for some minutes. It had been a pleasant surprise to find someone from back home in such a common place as a convenience store in the middle of Toronto. When he had first moved into that apartment, the small business was run by an old couple, which he had found out later, turned out to be Maria’s grandparents. The thing that had called the most to his attention, about the young girl was the similarities between them

While Javier had been forced to leave his home at an early age to be able to follow his dreams, Maria wanted to become an actress and decided to accept an offer in Canada. A small production and not at all noticeable, but it had been more than what the Spanish cinematic industry had to offer, but still, she had packed and left her home and decided to make a life for herself.

For some years now, they had become friends of sorts as Maria worked in the store to help pay most of her expenses and her grandparents completely retired. Together, they loved to piss off Yuzuru by conspiring against him in a language he could still not keep up.

And the best part of it all was that Maria had no idea who they were to the rest of the world.

To Javier, it had been insulting at first, but when he thought about Yuzuru…it had turned out to be a blessing.

“Well, Mr. Hanyu owns my Spanish ass.”

“A very annoying a-” Maria stopped himself as a group of kids entered the small store, without any greeting whatsoever, still the Spanish girl didn’t hesitate on showing them her brilliant smile, “Hello! Can I help you?”

The group didn’t even turn her way and kept wandering around, looking at everything yet not showing real interest in anything on the shelves.

Who even goes out at this our just out of boredom?

In this weather.

From the counter, he saw her pout and mutter under her breath. He swore he heard something like: Rude.

He snickered and quickly made his way to the pet section, getting the food Effie was already used to getting whenever they had an emergency.

As in, when they forgot about it every other day.

“Same price as ever.”

“Shocking.”

“Want me to charge you more?” She asked him.

Javier cringed, “Oh c’mon I’m a poor guy okay?”

“Obviously.” Maria said, rolling her eyes, “You wear tracksuits every day.”

“Excuse me!”

Now that Javier thought about it, Maria didn’t know much about his life. He had told her about how he had left Spain to have a better shot at making it to the top of his sport, but he never told her anything more. Even though she would constantly joke around them, she had never crossed some invisible line between them.

Javier couldn’t wait to tell her about a Japanese boy that had begged his coach to let him train alongside Javier Fernández. About how they had faced so many hardships and became rivals over time.

And about his favorite part: how the two ended up failing in love despite the odds. 

But he would have time for that. 

“One day I’ll show you my medals and you will regret everything!”

“Sure sure, have a good night Javi and keep dreaming about those medals.”

Javier laughed, and for a moment he couldn’t contain the excitement of introducing her to the world of figure skating. To a certain degree, his sport wasn’t much different from acting, since, on the ice, interpretation was still a big part of the performance.

“Fine I’m going, you should go home too, it’s getting late.”

“When the kids leave I’ll go home too, don’t worry.” She whispered and threw him a wink.

“I think I might move here.”

“What why?”

“Because you need me, I can talk to my club they would not refuse a temporary collaboration with the TCC and neither would the sponsors…”

“Shoma you can’t just move here, I’m fine,” he hugged his best friend of many years now and savored the comfort that his closeness brought him. He couldn’t imagine what he would do without him. not after everything.

“You are not fine Yuzu, we both know it.”

“Maybe not, but I’m getting there.”

He wasn’t.

“All of it! Now!”

Javier turned around as soon as he stepped out of the store and as he dreaded, the group of teenagers had surrounded Maria, no doubt asking for whatever money she had on the cash register. He took out his phone and dialed the emergency number as fast as he could. As the phone rang he could see how Maria, who had already given them everything they had asked for, was suddenly pulled from the counter by her hair and thrown to the floor. They no longer wanted the money.

Javier looked around the completely deserted streets. He had a choice to make.

He could go back to the store and save an innocent girl he had known for years and had done nothing wrong to deserve this, and face a group of probably armed teenagers, or wait for the police to get there.

It was an easy one.

“Why are you here Mr. Hanyu?”

“Because I want to get better.”

“And what has been bothering you?”

“I dream a lot at night.”

“And why is that a bad thing?”

“Because it’s a fantasy, it’s not real.”

“Isn’t that what dreams are made of?”

“Yes, but most of the time I don’t want to wake up and face the pain.”

“I see.”

“The problem is that sometimes, I don’t wake up at all.”

“I’m dead.”

“All you did was look around for possible suits.”

“I tried like a thousand of those.”

Shoma was currently lying on Yuzuru’s couch, looking half asleep and ready to pass out at any moment. After he made it known that he was engaged to Javier and that they would get married as soon as possible, Shoma had caught a plane and demanded details and if he would be the best man. After a few days, he was still hunting for a suit that would fit him and his place of honor besides Yuzuru.

Obviously Yuzuru had told him that since he would be in the room nobody would care about what Shoma would be wearing. It had earned a glare and the silent treatment for a week.

“You are worse than me and I’m the groom.”  Yuzuru glanced at his wall clock for the hundredth time, already predicting how cold the food would get by the time his fiancée arrived, “Javi is taking forever to get that cat food.”

Shoma groaned at the constant whining from his best friend, “I just want food.”

“You didn’t even warn me that you were coming, so suck it up.”

“I faced the crowded streets in freaking winter just to shop for a damn suit for your wedding, the least you can do is feed me.”

“What is taking him so long, Sho?” Shoma sat up and looked at his best friend’s face, he was no longer joking and looked truly concerned.

“Calm down and call him.”

Yuzuru quickly took his phone from one of his apron’s pockets and let the phone ring till he could hear the familiar voice mail message.

“It’s going straight to voice mail and now I’m getting worried.”

 “I’m sure there’s some explanation-”

“Shoma it’s been two hours!”

They were interrupted by the shrilling ringtone of Yuzuru’s phone, and Shoma felt himself relax. Javier had probably just missed the call.

 “Yes?”

Or perhaps it wasn’t Javier…?

“That’s me.”

Shoma didn’t like the way his friend’s voice quickly changed and the phone almost dropped from his hand.

Something wasn’t right.

“Mr. Hanyu I’m calling you from Toronto General Hospital, you were listed as Javier Lopez emergency contact?”

“So, Mr. Hanyu, any nightmares lately?”

“None, I don’t have them anymore.”

“That’s amazing progress.”

Yuzuru smiled, everything seemed to fall into place out of a sudden. He couldn’t wait to tell her the news.

“Want to tell me about your day? Anything good happened Mr. Hanyu?”

“Yes.”

“I see. Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I had an amazing day yesterday. I hadn’t felt so good since Javi proposed to me!”

“Oh I’m so curious, tell me what happened? Did you get back to the ice?”

Yuzuru laughed, his doctor was so silly, “No, you see…yesterday? I talked to Javi.”

There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, so just give me a happy middle.
And a very happy start.

- Shel Silverstein