Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lena knew Kara was Supergirl. She had known from the very first day they met. When Supergirl came in to save her from what was almost a helicopter crash, Lena had seen a strange scar next to Supergirl's left eyebrow. She'd seen that exact same scar earlier that day, only then it had been upon the forehead of a silly young girl calling herself "Kara Danvers". That was Lena's first clue that Kara was Supergirl. The scar on Kara's forehead was way too similar to the scar on Supergirl's head for it to be sheer coincidence alone.

But that wasn't the only trait that Supergirl and Kara shared! As Lena came to know, they shared many other facial features/structures in common and there were at least a million little traits and quirks that the two also both possessed. Kara and Supergirl looked and sounded the same, they also talked, walked, thought and behaved much the same and they had the same beliefs and temperaments. They could've been sisters! But Lena knew better. It was more than simple sisterhood that bound them. They were one in the same.

From that day forward, the evidence around Lena's theory of Kara being Supergirl only increased. There was the fact that they were never ever seen in the same place at the same time. There was the fact that whenever one was present, the other would vanish. There was Kara's "special connection" to Supergirl. The list went on!

Finally, though, Lena stopped counting how many clues she had found. Now, she was counting how many days it took for Kara to just come clean and admit to Lena's face that she was Supergirl. It was painfully obvious, so why was Kara so bent on keeping up the lie? In all the years Lena had known Kara, the girl was always adamant about hiding the truth from her. Lena wanted to know why, and how long, Kara was going to do this for. But as much as Lena wanted to know, and as much as it hurt her to think that Kara didn't trust her enough to confess, Lena already knew she'd never call Kara out on her lies. Nor would Lena ever force Kara to "out" herself. This was for two reasons.

The first was basic respect. Though Lena hated being lied to, especially by a friend and especially in such a pathetic manner, she still refused to out Kara. This was Kara's life and Kara's secret. Lena had no right to try and dig it out from under her. Kara would tell her when she was ready, and even if that day never came, it still wouldn't be right or honest or fair of Lena to try and force a confession out of her. So for that reason, Lena refused to ever call Kara out directly. She dropped hints frequently, always offering to listen if Kara ever had anything important to tell her, but she never pushed the girl into a confession. Lena had her own secrets, so what right did she have to demand the secrets of others? She liked her privacy just as much as anyone did, so it wouldn't be fair of her to ask Kara to sacrifice her privacy when she, herself, had plenty of things she'd never told anyone else, including Kara. So instead of demanding, Lena waited patiently. If Kara wanted to keep it a secret, Lena had to respect that.

The second reason was a bit more selfish. The other reason Lena didn't call Kara out was because she wanted Kara to tell Lena herself. She wanted Kara to come to her, not the other way around. Lena wanted to believe that Kara loved and trusted her enough to tell her the secret on her own. How could that happen if Lena were to try and pry it out of her prematurely? No, if Lena wanted to know how Kara really felt about her, Lena was going to have to let this secret, however flimsy, stand, and see where it would go. Would Kara prove that she did trust Lena and tell her? Or would Kara forever remain distant and keep this "secret" from her? If Lena wanted for Kara to prove that she trusted her, Lena was going to have to let Kara come to her, frustrating as such an idea was.

Mostly, it frightened and hurt Lena to think that Kara might never trust her enough to tell the truth, but Lena had long-since resigned herself to that idea. She had accepted the fact that, unpleasant as the idea was, it was Kara's right to be this way. Kara had a right to keep her secrets. Kara had a right to not trust Lena. Besides, Lena really did want Kara to tell her the truth of her own free will. It wouldn't make Lena feel good if Kara were to tell her the truth because it was forced out of her. What would really make Lena feel loved and respected, selfish as it was to say, would be if Kara told her because Kara chose to, because Kara decided Lena was worthy of knowing and keeping the secret. In this case, it wasn't the secret that mattered, so much as all the trust that it represented. Lena wanted the secret because she wanted Kara's trust, not because she wanted the secret itself.

So for now, Lena would only wait. She would watch and insinuate, but she would not push or call out. Instead, she would wait. She would wait for the day Kara felt ready to tell the truth. She would way for the day when Kara decided to prove that she trusted Lena enough to tell. She would wait for the day when Kara confessed of her own free will and choice, not through coercion or demands. She would wait for the day she received the secret and didn't have to take it. She would wait until the day Kara came to things on her own times and terms.

Then, upon that day, Lena would finally know that Kara really trusted her, and that she deserved to be told the truth, and she wouldn't be upset at all, no matter how long the wait ended up being. She would wait for the day the truth was freely given to her, even if that day never came. Why? Because when it was Kara, she would wait forever.

Chapter Text

But maybe there was a third reason why Lena wasn't demanding for Kara to tell the truth about her identity. Maybe this reason was because it harkened back to something in Lena's own distant past. Of a different nature, perhaps, but still very much the same underneath...

"Why are you telling me this like I don't already know?" Lex teased after Lena had finished coming out to him.

"Wh-what? What do you mean?" Lena tilted her head, genuinely confused. How had he already-?

"Isn't it obvious?" Lex laughed again. Lena could only shake her head, a sinking feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. "Oh, Lena, baby sister, it was always so painfully obvious! I've known for years that you were gay!"

"But how could you possibly-?" Lena simply could not understand how Lex had managed to figure out her sexuality before she had. This was the first time she'd ever even said words like this aloud, yet here Lex was, claiming to have known her secret all along, even before she had even known that there was a secret she'd been keeping.

"Oh, Lena, Lena, Lena," Lex continued to shake his head in fond amusement. "I've known about this for a long time coming. You aren't exactly subtle about your fondness for women and your disdain for me, after all. You only ever look at, talk about, or flirt with girls. I have yet to hear you say anything about a boy. It's been so painfully obvious to me, Lena! I can't believe you thought you needed to come out at all! I've known for quite awhile now, and so have mother and father!" Lex added. That was when the pit in Lena's stomach threatened to swallow her up.

"They do?" she squeaked. She felt herself grow pale and when she spoke again, her voice had been humiliatingly small.

"Duh!" Lex rolled his eyes with a laugh. He seemed totally unaware as to how uncomfortable this conversation was making Lena.

"Then why didn't they-?" Lena began timidly.

"Ever say anything about it?" Lex finished. Lena could only nod, her brain refusing to find the words she needed to speak. "It's because father said that you needed to discover it on your own time and mother honestly didn't care enough to say anything. I actually wanted to ask, but father told me not to. He said not to bring it up until you said something first," Lex explained.

Just for a moment, of flash of annoyance glimmered in Lex's eyes, but Lena totally missed it, still fretting over what he had just said. So, her coming out hadn't really been a coming out at all because Lex had already known... Actually, scratch that! Everyone knew! And Lena had only intended upon telling Lex! But no, Lionel and Lillian knew too, and Lena hadn't even known... She was sure the shame was going to eat her alive! She hadn't really ever had her own choice in this matter, had she? All along, the cat had been out of the bag. And Lex still didn't seem to realize how embarrassed this conversation was making Lena feel...

From then on, Lena had been insecure about her sexuality, but it was not for the reason one might think. While her family was supportive enough, or just didn't care enough to complain, Lena began to feel embarrassed and ashamed that it had been so obvious to everyone for so long. She wasn't embarrassed that she was queer, she was embarrassed that it had been "so painfully obvious". Lex's words, though entirely well-meant and playful, had planted seeds of doubt into Lena's mind and it didn't take long for them to bloom.

Silly as it sounded, hearing that everyone had known about Lena's sexuality made her feel very self-conscious because she felt like her thunder had been stolen from her. What was supposed to have been a big moment of self-discovery, and her own choice, was ruined by the fact that her own treacherous body had outed her before her mind ever had the chance to fully process the way she felt, let alone come to the decision to talk about it! What was supposed to have been a moment of trust, and of confessing only to Lex, had turned into the reveal that everyone already knew. It made it seem like she was the kind of idiot-girl who wore her heart on her sleeve.

What's more, as a girl who prided herself upon her cold and unreadable appearance, to hear that there was any aspect of her life that was easily readable was deeply disturbing to her. It made her feel vulnerable and exposed because it was a weak spot she hadn't even realized she'd had! Yet, somehow, everyone else had seen it clear as day, like a big red target painted on her forehead. It made her paranoid about what other secrets she was unwittingly sharing with the world and it made her a bit angry that she wasn't in total control of her life, or the way she presented herself. She had always liked to think she was a controlled person, but Lex's remark about her sexuality proved otherwise. Had she been in total control, her coming out would've been a real coming out, not Lex telling her he and the rest of the family had always known. Lena just hated not being in control, and she hated being ignorant. She hated to think that she was readable, and that she hadn't had her own choice in this matter. All of these goings-ons in her personal life and she hadn't even known! But everyone else had, and before she even had a clue. That was the scary part.

So a large part of Lena's life had, in a way, been stolen from her. She never got to experience a real coming-out. What would've been a stepping-stone in her life's growth was a rug pulled out from underneath her. And what's more, to think that she had been displaying all these little tics and traits all without even realizing it! She'd, in essence, been living a double-life without even knowing! She'd been doing and saying all these things for years without even realizing what they really meant while, all around her, Lionel, Lex and Lillian had long since pieced the puzzle together. They had known that which Lena hadn't even realized that she was doing.

Although it was, externally, a minor event, just one small talk with Lex, it had lasting effect upon Lena's psyche. Lex had done more than alert Lena to the fact that everyone already knew she was lesbian. He'd alerted her to the fact that she had a weak spot, and that she was readable. A despicable and disgraceful trait in a Luthor! From then on, Lena placed a high value in secrecy and privacy and she never liked leaking info or telling private secrets if she could avoid it, and it all stemmed back to one tiny incident in her youth...

Although this was nothing at all like hiding an alter ego, there was enough similarity between her own history of keeping secrets, or having them outed for her against her will, that she could sympathize with why Kara was hiding from her. It hurt her to think that Kara didn't feel comfortable enough with her to tell her, but Lena wasn't going to force her to confess. Lena, herself, had been through that embarrassing nightmare already, and she wasn't going to force Kara to live through it as well. Instead, she would only wait, patiently.

She would wait until the day Kara came to things on her own time and terms and decided that she was ready to tell Lena. This was Kara's journey and Kara's secret, after all. Lena had no right to tell her how to live her life, so instead, she would wait for now, and let things come to fruition on their own times. It was the deepest sign of respect Lena could give a person: autonomy. Lena wasn't just keeping Kara's secret out of kindness, respect or pity, but because she was trying to give Kara the thing that she, herself, had lacked back then. By remaining "blind" to Kara's secret, Lena was giving Kara what she never got to have, and in Lena's eyes, that was one of the highest forms of respect she could give someone. She was giving Kara her own choice.