Archive of Our Own ^beta

The soft hum of Jared’s car radio lulled him into a sense of calm as he drove to his mother’s house. College was going well. He’d made a handful of friends, and his classes were fairly simple so far. He’d chosen to dorm at a school a few hours away, hungry for a bit of independence and distance from the problems he’d left behind after his senior year of high school.

It almost felt weird coming home for holiday break after being away for nearly four months. Snow and slush crunched wetly under the tires of his used Honda Civic, colorful lights adorning the houses on his street as he drove through the small suburban neighborhood. Hanukkah was only a week away, but the excitement he usually felt for the holidays was missing this year.

The fact that he was coming home didn’t feel real until he was pulling into his driveway, the old yellow house greeting him with it’s familiarity. He could hear the wind chimes jingling on the front porch as the cold winter air blew gently. It wasn’t until he exited his distressed vehicle that he noticed the boy slumped over on the steps.

Jared felt like his lungs had plummeted directly into his stomach, cold air caught in his chest as he tried to process Evan Hansen sitting on his front porch. Glove clad hands rested over thick coat sleeves as Jared held onto his own arms tightly, as if to force closed the gaping hole in his chest.

The last time they’d spoken was an ordeal that Jared didn’t like to be reminded of. Their attempt to reconcile after the Connor Project was a disaster. Hurtful comments were thrown, confessions were made, and blame was thrust towards each other like daggers. Jared was a fool to think that his feelings mattered to Evan at all.

The air felt even colder.

He could see the white puffs of Evan’s warm breath as the boy breathed slowly, head turning up to meet Jared’s confused stare.

Jared had never heard silence quite this loud.

“What are you doing here?” He hoped he didn’t sound as fragile as he felt. Evan stood slowly, his whole body seeming to hesitate as he walked closer to Jared.

Then, in a rush of confidence, Evan pulled Jared close against him, arms wrapping around the other tightly as he buried his face in the shorter boy’s neck. He let out a choked sob, embarrassed by the tears soaking Jared’s soft blue scarf.

“I missed you so much.” His voice cracked, but he did not waver in the slightest. The words rang through the night air like he’d never been more sure of anything else in his entire life. “I’m so sorry for the things I said to you. For the way I reacted when you- When you said that you-”

“I can’t do this right now, Evan.” Jared broke in that moment, his voice high as he allowed a sob to wrack through him. “This isn’t fair, you can’t just show up here and expect everything to be okay.”

“I know it’s not okay.” Evan moved back slightly, a hand reaching up to caress Jared’s face as he refused to break eye contact. “I know that you have no reason to forgive me right now, and I accept that. But please let me try to make this right. I want to be better. I’ve been trying so hard to be better.”

A voice in Jared’s head reminds him that Evan is a liar. It reminds him that Evan will say what he needs to in order to get what he wants. It reminds him that no matter how much he’d like to believe otherwise, Evan had always been that way. This didn’t just start with the Murphy’s or the Connor Project. Evan had never been truly honest with him throughout their entire friendship, if he could even call it that.

And yet, as Evan rubbed his thumb against his tear soaked cheek, eyes pleading as he stared into Jared’s own, he couldn’t bring himself to doubt him.

“I missed you too, you fucking idiot.” Jared wrapped his arms around Evan’s shoulders, finally returning the hug. Being emotionally vulnerable was hard for him, but if Evan could work to be better, Jared could too.

He knew it wouldn’t be easy. It would take lots of time and lots of patience. He knew there would times where they’d fall into old habits, times where they’d argue, times where change feels impossible, but he was willing to see it through to the end.

“I know I’m already asking a lot, but can I kiss you?” The words shocked Jared to his core. He could feel Evan’s fingers twitching against his skin, as if the he was trying his hardest to resist every impulse to grab Jared and seal his lips to his own. “Nevermind actually, I’m getting way too confident here I mean we’ve barely talked this through and-” Jared put an end to one of his famous run-on sentences, grip tightening on the other’s shoulders as he pressed his lips to Evan’s with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

His lips were chapped and cold from the winter air, nose red and runny, and face wet from sobbing, but Jared still felt sparks as he reveled in the feeling of finally getting something he’d wanted for so long.

He couldn’t tell how long they stood there in the snow and slush, cold and vulnerable as they kissed by Jared’s front porch, the holiday lights around the neighborhood illuminating the night with bright colors and warm feelings.

As they part, Jared looks around and doesn’t feel the overwhelming emptiness he had when he’d first arrived. He felt full of life, and love, and joy, and he couldn’t remember ever feeling something so pure.

“Sorry for holding you up out here. I’m sure you probably want to get inside and see your mom and stuff.” Evan averted his gaze, but the smile never dropped from his face.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now, actually.”

Evan pulled Jared in for another sweet kiss, grinning like an absolute dork.


“Yeah, me too.”