Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Day one was weird.  He vaguely remembered the doctor saying to take the pills with food, but Jeff had apparently taken it to heart, because the table was full of pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, and juice when Kent walked in.  He was mostly silent as they ate, letting Jeff tell him what they were supposed to be doing that day. The season had just ended, so they were going to hit the gym together, make sure they were still in perfect playing condition even when they didn’t have practice and games.  They managed to eat everything on the table, Jeff having a bit more than Kent, as was normal, and looked at him expectantly once they were done. Kent sighed heavily as he stood without a word, going to the little bag on the counter and pulling out the small pill bottle. He opened it and shook them into his hand, picking just one to pop into his mouth and swallow dry.

“I still don’t get how you can do that, that shit’s nasty,” Jeff said, making a face as he watched.

“At least I’m not a fucking kid who has to eat it with apple sauce and pudding,” Kent teased back, his lips going to a trained smirk.  “Now, come on, old man, the sooner we get to the gym, the sooner we can get home and watch Cutthroat Kitchen.” He really didn’t want to go, he would much rather just stay home and lay in bed all day, but he was trying to do this for his boyfriend.  He had promised he would try; he had a set schedule, like his doctor said to make, and he was going to follow it. He went to get a prescription and he was going to take it. He had a packet of papers full of ‘techniques and tricks’ he was supposed to try and he was going to use them.

Day two was mostly the same.  Jeff made breakfast, they ate, Kent took his pill, they went to the gym, they came home and watched TV, then they went to bed.  The only real difference was the feeling in his stomach. For most of the day, he felt like he was going to throw up. He made a note of it to bring up with his doctor.  He didn’t feel different besides that, and if all he was getting was an upset stomach, that was one more reason to him that medicine sucked and he didn’t need it.

The next few days were all the same.  When day seven came, Jeff reminded Kent he needed to schedule another appointment, just a new one to check up on how things were going, and see if there were any differences.  Kent made Jeff call and schedule it. He hated calling, he hated having to sit on hold, and he hated talking to people on the phone he didn’t know. He could talk to Jeff for hours when they were apart, but he couldn’t call the doctor’s office for ten minutes.  After they’d eaten, the pill was taken, and the appointment was made for the next week, Kent glared at the clock. It read 9.37 and he knew, any second now, he would hear those words fall from Jeff’s lips.

“About time to leave?”

Kent looked over to Jeff and sighed heavily.  “Yeah, probably. Lemme just put on some real clothes and I can go.”

Despite Kent saying he could drive himself, he was an adult with his own car, he found himself in the passenger seat of Jeff’s Corvette he’d bought the year before.  He always made fun of him for it, always saying it was his midlife crisis, and Jeff would always roll his eyes and have that stupid grin on his face that Kent always wanted to kiss away.  He frowned as he thought of it. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d kissed. Sure, there were little pecks here and there, but he couldn’t remember the last time they’d really kissed and felt the passion and love in it.  After a few minutes of being stuck in his own mind, Kent looked around as Jeff stopped the car in front of a professional looking office. He slowly stepped out, looking back at Jeff as he did so.

“I’ll be back in an hour,” Jeff called.  

“Yeah, whatever, mom, I’ll still be here,” he said back.  He crossed his arms tightly across his chest as he walked in, not even noticing as he did so.  He went to the front desk and quietly gave his name. He pulled out his insurance card and handed it over, as well as confirming all of his information, before he was given a clipboard and attached pen.  He was told to sit and fill out his paperwork and the doctor would be there soon. He mentally scoffed as he went to sit and looked over the papers. Yeah, doctor , sure.  Kent could be a doctor, too.  Wasn’t that hard. Listen to some old man rant about his problems, tell him to drink more water and meditate, and then get paid.  Couldn’t be that hard. He avoided looking at anyone else in the small waiting room as he wrote, though there wasn’t really anyone there, save a young looking girl and a middle aged looking man.  As he filled in bubbles and wrote down numbers, he started feeling more anxious. All his numbers seemed high, and he was trying to be honest, but he was fine. He didn’t need therapy, and he didn’t want his therapist telling him how fucked up he was.  Yeah, he was fucked up, but he was still fine. It was complicated, but Kent knew what it meant to himself. He had everything under control, he didn’t want someone telling him he had to change and how to take care of himself if he already knew how to. He turned over the last page and brought it back up to the desk, trying not to think too much about it.  It was only an hour, it couldn’t be that bad. He was doing it for Jeff, that’s all he had to think. If a few sessions would make Jeff feel better, then Kent could do that. Three weeks tops. Only three hours. He could go, talk for a bit, listen a bit, go home, and he’d be fine. Only a few times and he could stop. Just to make Jeff happy.

“Kent?”

His head snapped up at his name and he stood.  There was a blond woman standing in a doorway and she started leading him through a long hallway, stopping at an open door.  She held out her hand and Kent gave it a quick shake as he stepped inside.

“My name is Natalie Price,” she introduced, sitting in a comfortable looking chair, leaving Kent on the large sofa on the other side of the small room.  “I understand you’ve been having some problems, can you tell me exactly what’s been happening?”

“Yeah, my fucking problem is my boyfriend went behind my back and my boss blackmailed me into being here,” he said without thinking too much.  He frowned and sat straight up, his arms across his chest again. Natalie just frowned.

“How could they blackmail you into coming here?  Why would they want to do that?”

Kent looked down and her feet and shrugged.  “I’m going through a slump and Jeff is being weird about it, that’s all this is,” he muttered.  He heard her write something down and his head snapped up. He tried to read what it said, but Natalie held it just right so he couldn’t see.  Damn her, she was probably trying to keep him from it.

The rest of the hour seemed to go exactly as Kent had thought.  She asked questions, he answered questions, and she told him how to fix it.  When there were five minutes left (yes, Kent was staring at the clock, so what?  He had more important shit to do than this and he wanted to get back to his Netflix date with his boyfriend), Natalie leaned back in her seat.  “I think this was all very informative. There are a few things I’d like you to do over the week before our next meeting,” she started. “I’d like you to start keeping track of a journal.  It doesn’t have to be a diary where you write down all everything that happened to you, but keeping track of important things that happened is a good start. Write down how you feel during the day, whether you want that to be in terms of anxiety, happy or sad, anger, or anything.  For now we can work on just tracking that, and you can add anything else you want to. Would you be able to do that?” Kent just nodded. Great, now he could be some preteen girl writing in his diary every night before bed. Jeff was right, therapy really was worth every penny. “Just remember, the important thing here is to keep trying.  You can bring your journal for our next session and we can go over it, I think it can help us a lot.” Kent watched as she stood and followed suit. She opened the door with a warm smile and let Kent step out first. She led the way back to the door he’d come in from, bringing him back to the waiting room, and he grimaced as he nearly tripped over a white noise maker in the process, his face bright red in embarrassment.  “It was nice to meet you, Kent, I’ll see you again next week,” she said as she finally opened the door for him and let Kent escape. Once she was gone, he sighed heavily and pulled his phone from his pocket, seeing a message from Jeff.

I’m outside whenever you’re ready.

Kent shoved his phone into his pocket again and started for the front door, straight faced as he went down the two flights of stairs and out to the parking lot.  He got into the car and sat back, looking out through the windshield, not to the man sitting next to him.

“How was it?” The question came after a moment of silence.  Kent shrugged.

“It was a lot of talking and a lot of questions,” he muttered back in response.  “Come on, let’s not talk about therapy, that’s a fucking downer.  Let’s just go home.”  He looked to Jeff with that pouting face he knew the man couldn’t say no to and was happy once the car was put into drive and started heading towards the road.

The car was silent, save for the soft rock music coming from the stereo, before Jeff spoke again.  “I really am proud of you for this.” He reached over and took Kent’s hand in his own. “I know it can be hard to do shit like this, and I know you’ve been doing things your own way for years now, but it means a lot to me that you’re trying this, trying to take care of yourself.”  While Kent let his hand be held, he curled up and brought his knees up to his chest as he looked out the window.

“Whatever,” he said simply in return.

Nothing else was said for the rest of the ride, and while Kent was happy to not have to talk more about it, he could practically feel Jeff wanting to say more.

That night, Kent kissed Jeff for the first time in a long time.  He kissed him with all the love he felt in his chest and he was happy he did.

Chapter Text

The next few days felt normal with a few uncomfortable things thrown in.  He regretting telling Jeff about how Natalie wanted him to start writing about his feelings, it had only caused the man to put an alarm on his phone for nine every night so he could remind Kent to sit down and write in the yellow notebook Jeff had bought for him.  The first two days were as minimal as possible while still technically doing what he was supposed to.

Thursday.

Feel fine.  Jeff made me take the stupid fucking pill again.  Have to go to stupid meeting with GM soon because of stupid pills.

Friday.

Feel fine.  Jeff was acting like a dork today, he was sliding on the floors in his socks like a dumbass and fell and got a concussion.  It was funny until he got hurt. Have to bring him to meet with trainer now. Should be fine.

Saturday.

Feel less fine.  Jeff kissed Kit's forehead and she made a little sound and I cried.  Then I cried really hard. Jeff looks worried. Feel fine now tho.

Saturday night, he frowned as he read over the latest entry.  It was day ten, and he still didn't feel any different, he just looked like an idiot with a notebook and a pill bottle now.  He took a deep breath through his nose and sniffled a bit, his cheeks still wet and his eyes still red. He had only stopped crying when he heard the ring tone on Jeff's phone, a Halsey song he had picked.  If he was going to be forced to sit and write like some kid doing his homework at the dining room table, he was going to do it his own way. Jeff had looked like he wanted to say something, but Kent had rushed out of the room when he heard the song, frantically saying he needed to write for therapy.  He wasn't sure what his boyfriend was doing now, but Kit was laying on the bed on his back, Kit on his chest, and the notebook held above his head so he could read over the five sentences over and over again, until the words looked foreign and stopped having meaning in his mind. He wasn't even sure why he had started crying.  Jeff didn't do anything new, he always kissed Kit like that, and Kit always purred the same way, so why the hell was it affecting him like this now? Yeah, sure, maybe he cried more than a normal, healthy adult, but at least most of the time it made sense. He hated the times like this when he would just start and he could feel a tear roll down his cheek, and then another and another until he was sobbing and couldn't breath and Jeff had to hold him until he could run off and lock himself in the bedroom.  He was getting lost in his thoughts again when he heard the door open. He hadn't noticed the way the puttering in the kitchen had stopped or the footsteps towards the door, but he always heard the little creak that Jeff always promised to oil out of the door, and it snapped him from his own mind.

"Hey, uh...I know you don't like to talk about this kind of stuff, and I know you probably want to just stay here with Kit, but I was was looking at some stuff online and I just...I thought we could try something," the man trailed off from the doorway.  Kent sat up and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of one of the sweatshirts he'd stolen from Jeff, Kit gracefully falling from his chest into his lap.

"What's in the container?" Kent asked, his eyes moving down to Jeff's hands.

Jeff looked unsure as he stepped into the room, towards Kent.  “I was looking some stuff up online a while ago, seeing if there was a way I could help, and some people said that taking care of yourself when you don’t feel the best can help.”  He kept stepping closer until he could sit on the edge of the bed. He handed the small container to Kent. “I, uh...I know it’s stupid, but I made you a facemask. It’s only honey and sugar and some of this oil I got when I was walking around Target, but, I mean, might as well give it a try, right?”

Kent held the container and looked over it, then up to Jeff.  It was simple, it was the simplest thing he’d ever been just given, but he didn’t care.  Jeff made this for him. Just to make him feel better. He bowed his head and crawled on the bed until he could hald sit, half lay and lean against Jeff’s side.  “I don’t deserve you,” he muttered to himself.

“Hey, now, come on,” Jeff whispered gently.  “Remember what we agreed, it’s not good to talk about yourself like that.  You deserve me. You deserve more than I can ever give you, but I’m still going to at least try to give you everything I can.”  

Kent didn’t respond to that.  He wanted to, he wanted to tell Jeff how he was wrong, how Kent was a shitty person and he must have just tricked Jeff into staying with him, but it wasn’t worth it.  Jeff would just keep telling him he was wrong, and it would go into a back and forth, and he really didn’t have the energy for that now. Instead, he took off the blue lid and looked up.  “Will you do it with me?” he asked in a small voice, already knowing the answer, and smiling when he saw the nod.

Jeff stood and picked up Kent, carrying him to the bathroom attached to their bedroom.  He was set on the counter and held up the mixture. Jeff went first, a sweet smile on his lips as he covered his fingers in it and dragged it across Kent’s face.  There was a soft laugh and, although there were still tears falling out of the corners of his eyes every once in a while, he was smiling like he hadn’t in a while.  

They made love that night for the first time since Kent could remember.  They were nearly always too tired during the season, and they hadn’t even kissed after their last game since a few days ago.  Jeff was soft and and sweet the entire time, always making sure this was what Kent wanted. He smelled like lavender and Kent could feel the bits of honey and sugar that had gotten into brown strands as he ran his fingers through his hair.  Jeff felt rough against his neck as he kissed there, day old stubble dragging along his skin. It was so sweet Kent thought he could cry again. They fell asleep together, Jeff holding Kent to his chest and Kent holding Kit and they slept through the night.  

The next day was nice enough.  They had a late morning in bed, but Jeff still made sure to make Kent a bowl of cereal for breakfast and watch him dry swallow the pill again.  Sunday was always their day off, a day of rest from the gym. They spent it laying around on the sofa, watching Netflix. Jeff said something about going out, but Kent just groaned and nuzzled further into his blanket cocoon.  When they went to bed that night, Kent was closer to the middle instead of his usual position at the edge of the bed. He slept well for a while before one of his nightmares. He jumped awake and was panting. He looked over at Jeff, needing to be sure he was there, before he let himself calm down.  Once he was, he laid back and took a deep breath. He didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, so he figured he would at least add it into his stupid notebook.

Sunday night.

Not good.  Nightmare again.  Jeff was Jack and my new stupid pills were on the ground instead of Jack’s old bottle.  Feel shitty. Can’t sleep now.

He dropped his notebook and pencil back on the bedside table and took one last look at Jeff before he allowed himself to turn off the light and lay down again.  Thankfully Jeff was a heavy sleeper, he really didn’t want him waking up as he moved to ask what had happened.

Kent was dreading the next day.  He had a meeting with the GM, his coaches, Jeff, and a few other people from the business side of the Aces, and Jeff had to meet with the trainer about his concussion.  While the trainer told Jeff the same thing as the doctors at the hospital, it was very mild and shouldn’t affect his playing once the season started again, Kent was less happy about his own meeting.  It was everyone who had been at the original meeting, when Jeff and the coaches had first expressed their concern for Kent’s mental state, and not a soul more. Kent kept his head down as he answered questions, telling them that, yes, he was taking his medication and no, it wouldn’t affect his playing, and yes, he was going to therapy.  He didn’t know why it was such a big deal. So he’d gone AWOL after a few games. He got too drunk in seedy clubs a few too many times. Sometimes he got too into his own head. So what? He didn’t let it affect his playing, so why should they care? He was a fucking mess, but he was still one of the best players in the league, so it shouldn’t fucking matter.  Once the meeting was done, Jeff drove them both back home and Kent was still silent. He sat with his knees pulled up to his chest. He still had his doctor’s appointment the next day, too. He really wasn’t looking forward to that, either. He ate a few pieces of the pizza they’d ordered for dinner and called it an early night, going to bed a few hours before Jeff followed after.  He was thankful to have, while still restless, a nightmare free sleep. When Jeff woke up early the next morning, he followed after him and sat on the counter as Jeff made breakfast for the two of them. At least now two weeks later, the routine was starting to feel better. Sit down, eat breakfast, go over plans for the day, then take his pill. As they ate, Jeff reminded Kent that most of the guys from the team were going out for dinner and drinks that night and it would be nice if he could come, but Kent just shrugged it off.  

“I have a headache, I really don’t want to go out like that,” he said, needing to start recycling his excuses.

Jeff just nodded sadly.  “Then I’ll be home late tonight.  Tell me if you change your mind.” They both knew he wouldn't.  He never really did when it came to leaving the house.

Chapter Text

After they finished eating together, Kent left to go get dressed and Jeff started dropping dishes in the sink to clean off later.  Kent didn’t want to go, he really didn’t want to go, but he knew Jeff would go straight to the GM and everyone in the Aces if he skipped a session, fucking traitor.  On top of that, he still had to go see his new doctor to check up and see how the new medication was doing.  There really wasn’t much to say about how it was working.  All it did was make him feel nauseous and kept him feeling shitty, just like he knew it would.

Kent pulled on an old pair of sweatpants and one of Jeff’s hoodies, but stopped after he pulled on the sweatshirt, hood just barely hanging on his head.  He started getting lost in his thoughts, tying to think of exactly what was going to happen today.  He had to bring his journal, the stupid fucking journal, and Natalie was going to ask him about what was in it.  She was going to ask about his nightmares.  He never told anyone about them, he barely even told Jeff about what happened in them after the once or twice he’d actually seen them.  Of course he told Jeff that it was something with Jack (which might be why his boyfriend hated Jack and most of the Falcs, if he really thinks about it), but never the specifics, and only on the off chance that Jeff was even awake to ask what happened.  He’d never told a soul what happened to him when he slept and he really didn’t want the first person to know be his new therapist.  She would probably ask about Jeff.  At least he could talk about that.  He loved to talk about Jeff, Jeff was his favorite person.  Maybe he could just steer the conversation away from his nightmares and just to Jeff.  But what if then she asked about his crying fit?  He kept going over the conversations in his head, not noticing as Jeff called his name from the doorway a few times.  He was yanked from his own thoughts as the man came behind him and laid a hand on Kent’s hip.

“Hey, babe, ready to go?” Jeff asked, looking at Kent through the mirror they were standing in front of.

Kent just nodded.

“Let’s get your shoes on and then I can drop you off, yeah?  I’ll come pick you up after an hour and then we can go see the doctor, then maybe stop and get some lunch.”

Kent nodded again.  He pulled away and grabbed a pair of socks, his favorite pair, pink with a hen and chicks, and tugged them on.  They felt almost stiff to the touch, the dirt never really coming out with each wash.  They were the pair Jeff had gotten him when they shopping a few months ago, discarded in the clearance bin, and just barely big enough for his feet.  Kent didn’t know why, but he fell in love with them right away, and made Jeff bring them back to the store to get all the pairs he could find after getting a small hole in the toe after only two days.  While he had at least six pairs that all looked the same, his favorites of the favorites were the original.  He wore them whenever he needed the comfort, but never told anyone; it seemed stupid, having a favorite pair of socks.  What kind of adult still had favorite clothes?  That was kid stuff, so he just kept it to himself.

Once his socks were on, he walked out of the bedroom and to the front door.  He grabbed an old pair of Vans sitting next to Jeff’s sneakers and tugged them on.  He left the laces untied and looked to Jeff expectantly, frowning when he saw the stupid fucking notebook in his boyfriend’s hands. 

“Forgetting something?” Jeff asked, trying to keep his small smile on his face.  He grabbed the car keys and handed the notebook to Kent.  He toed on his sneakers and opened the door.

“I didn’t mean to forget it, I just don’t want to bring it,” Kent said back, slipping past the door and starting for the car.  He reached back and grabbed Jeff’s hand, holding it tight.

Jeff frowned and held onto Kent’s hand.  “You all good?” he asked, tugging Kent back so they could walk side by side, instead of Kent a foot ahead with his hand dragging back.

Kent nodded and let his usual smile fall over his face.  “Yeah, I’m fine, why’re you asking?  You’re being weird, Swoops,” he teased.  At least Jeff dropped it after that.  They walked the rest of the short distance to the car in silence.  Once there, Kent opened his door and jumped inside, Jeff on the other side.  The engine was started and Jeff began driving towards the office.  It was quiet for a few minutes before Jeff had to glance over to look out Kent’s window and caught a glimpse of his boyfriend.

“Kent, your seat belt,” he said, having to look back to the windshield so he could see the road.

“Yeah?  What about it?”

“It’s not on again.  You need to put it on.”

Kent let out an exaggerated sigh.  “Jeff, it’s literally, like, ten minutes.  I don’t need a seat belt, I’ll be fine.”

“It’s the law, Kenny.”

“Yeah, there’s also a law in New York about carrying ice cream cones in your pocket and that doesn’t make any fucking sense, either, so it’s fine.”

“Kent, seriously.  I don’t want to joke around here, just put it on.  If we crash, I don’t want you dying because you decided it’s fine.”

Kent nearly pouted and waited before he finally grabbed the buckle and pulled it across his chest, clicking it into place.

“Thank you,” came the soft reply.  Kent didn’t want to say anything back.  It didn’t matter.  Seatbelts were uncomfortable and stupid.  He didn’t like wearing them.  Besides, if he got into a crash that was bad enough to kill him if he wasn’t wearing the seatbelt, chances are it would hurt him bad even if he was wearing one, and injury meant no hockey.  Not that he wanted to die without hockey, just saying it wasn’t the worst thing to happen if he lost the sport.

He was looking out the window, not moping about their little tiff, when Jeff stopped in front of the same building from the week before.  He grabbed Kent’s journal from where it was sitting on the dashboard and handed it to him.  “I’ll be back in an hour, okay?”

“Yeah, I know how long I need to be here,” Kent snapped without thinking about it.  He took the papers and left without another word, going straight inside.  He didn’t look back to Jeff.  He didn’t mean to snap, but he was mad.  So what if he didn’t wear a fucking seatbelt?  It was a small thing, who even cared?  So what if they got pulled over for it?  Kent could pay the ticket for it.  If they got into an accident and he got hurt, then whatever happens happens.  He wouldn’t be able to really stop it.

His fist tightened around the journal as he climbed the flights of stairs and finally made his way to the desk.  He gave his name just like the time before, but was happy to not have to give his information again or get more papers to fill out.  Instead he went to the same seat as he had been in the week before, sitting down and waiting to hear his name.  It felt like hours before the door was opened and Nicole stood there with her stupid fucking smile. 

“You can come back with me, Kent.” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock, where else am I going to go?  He thought to himself.

Kent stood and followed, counting the closed doors as they walked down the dull hallway.

“How has your week been?”

Kent was taken aback as he heard the question.  That wasn’t how this was supposed to work out.  They weren’t even in the little room yet, Kent was sitting on the couch and Natalie wasn’t sitting in her chair, she didn’t have her clipboard in her lap.  She wasn’t supposed to start with that, either.  In most of his imaginary rundowns of the conversation as he stood in front of the mirror that morning, Natalie had taken the notebook first and then gotten into what it said.  He had planned for that, he had planned out exactly what he was going to say, but he hadn’t planned for this.  He knew he was thinking too hard about this, it was a simple question, but there were a lot of things to consider.  He could say it was good, but then she would read what happened with Jeff getting hurt and Kent crying and not being able to sleep and seeing Jeff as Jack.  He could say it was bad, but then she could ask why it was bad and he didn’t want to explain why.  He really, really didn’t want to explain why without the security of their little room.  Someone close by could hear.  They could hear and know who he was and tell the press or write about it online.  He was always self-conscious of people being around and knowing who he was, it came with being famous.  He knew he had been silent for too long and finally came up with an answer as they turned into Natalie’s open office.

“I wrote it all down.”

He sat in the same spot as the week before and didn’t notice as he held the notebook to his chest.  Natalie gently offered her hand and he looked down at it.

“Would you mind if I read through it?” she asked, the soft smile still on her face.

Kent shrugged and dropped it into her hand.  “Yeah, you can read it, that’s the whole reason I did it anyways,” he muttered.  Without the notebook the hold, he pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them there, resting his heels right underneath his ass and laying his chin on his knees.  He watched her closely, taking note of her expressions as she read through his brief words.  He noticed the way she frowned while reading it, then closed the cover and set it on her desk.

“Is Jeff doing alright since his fall?” she asked. 

Kent nodded, happy she started with that instead of asking about some of the other things.  “Yeah, he’s fine.  Just a mild concussion, trainer said to limit screen time and not do anything strenuous, but he’ll be fine in a little bit of time.”

Natalie smiled.  “That’s good.  At least you can both have fun and get hurt without it being the end of the world.”

“Yeah, he can get hurt, but the fucking second anything happens to me, he freaks out,” Kent muttered, half to himself.  He regretted saying it as soon as he heard Natalie’s question.

“What do you mean by that, Kent?”

He took a deep breath and shrugged.  “I dunno.  He just gets mad any time anything happens to me, or any time anything could happen to me, and he overreacts.  He started yelling at me in the car today for not wearing a seat belt, he gets mad when I get into fights on the ice, he never lets me drive because it freaks him out.”

“Why would he be yelling at you for not wearing a seat belt?”

“I don’t fucking know, because he’s weird.”

There was a sound of pen on paper as Natalie wrote something down.  “Why don’t you wear one?  It’s something simple enough, it’s not too terrible to put it on, why don’t you do it?” she asked.

Kent had to think for a moment.  He’d never thought of why, but he had an answer soon enough.  “It’s just nicer not to have one.  I can move around when we drive, and it’s just fun.  He always yells about how we’re going to crash and I’m going to die or some shit, but, I mean…it won’t happen so it’s fine.” 

There were a few seconds of silence before Natalie spoke up again.  “Are there other things you do that he doesn’t necessarily approve of like that?  I know you said getting into fights, but what about things like jaywalking, not looking before you cross the street, practice unsafe sex, drive erratically, drink maybe more than you should or drink somewhere not completely reputable?”

Kent frowned, but slowly nodded, checking off every single item in his head.  He didn’t usually do most of those things now, but he could remember the first time he and Jeff hooked up and how Kent had made fun of Jeff for taking the time to go find a condom when it really didn’t matter.  It was more fun without one.  And the time Jeff had told Kent for nearly an hour how unsafe it was to just go running red lights.  He’d never been hit before, so why did it matter?  As for drinking too much, the whole reason to drink was to get drunk and the whole reason to get drunk was the not remember the night before.  And why would he go to some nice club with nice bartenders and clean bathrooms when he could go someplace sketchy?  The feeling of danger was half the fun.  He liked knowing anything could happen.    “Uh, yeah?  Everyone does stuff like that, that’s how you have fun.  Jeff doesn’t ever want to do stuff like that, but that’s cause he’s a prude and I’m pretty sure he’s just a grandpa deep down.”

Natalie leaned forward and rested her arms on her legs, keeping her eyes on Kent.  “Have you ever heard the term passively suicidal?”

“No, but I’m not an idiot, I think I can figure out what it means,” Kent snapped, making a sour face.  “I’m not fucking suicidal, if that’s what you’re saying.”

Natalie shook her head.  “No, I’m not saying you’re just walking around, looking for a chance to kill yourself.  Most people don’t even realize they do things like that, or why, but a lot of people can give the same answer as you; it’s fun, it’s dangerous, everyone does it.”  She leaned back.  “Do you ever think about what would happen if you were driving and someone hit you and you weren’t wearing your seatbelt, or if you were drinking in some club and someone took you home and you got hurt?”

“I mean, I guess,” Kent said with a shrug.  He didn’t like this.  Before he left the house, he wanted to be sure he knew exactly what Natalie was going to say so he could know exactly what to say back, but this was different.  She didn’t have to talk about this, he wasn’t suicidal, even if she said it wasn’t like that, whatever the hell that means. “But I’m not going to just sit around and think about it, I’m still fine,” he added defensively.  He started hunching his shoulders up and moved closer to himself.

“If you say you’re not, then I believe you,” Natalie said.  “How about, just for the next week, you start adding this to your journal?  We can see how often it happens, see your habits.  Would that be a problem?”

Kent thought for a moment, then shrugged again.  “Yeah, fine, whatever.”

Natalie smiled again.  “Good.  Do you want to tell me more about some of your habits?  What else does Jeff not like?”

“He always got really mad before we started going out when I wouldn’t go out drinking with the team, but I would go out to some shitty club and black out,” he answered.  He didn’t see a reason to lie.  Natalie at least seemed kind of nice and while he may hate therapy, he promised the suits at the Aces and Jeff that he was really going to try, and he still didn’t see anything that wrong with what he was doing.  Sure, the press might not like it, but it was fine besides that.  “And he freaked when I told him we didn’t need a condom our first time.  Just shit like that.”

“Did he ever explain why?”

“Yeah, but that it’s stupid.  He just freaks out a lot.”

“Did you ever try to explain your own point of view?”

Kent stopped at that and thought before shaking his head.  “No, he just talks and then I tell him I’ll stop,” he said.

“Is it like that whenever you both talk?  Was it like that when he wanted you to come here?”

Kent nodded.  “Yeah.  I at least told him I didn’t want to, but just…kind of did it.  Is that bad?”

Natalie shook her head.  “No, it’s not bad.  Just that most people, when they really want to do something or not do something, put up more of a fight.  It’s interesting that you let him try to help without getting too defensive.”  She leaned back and wrote a few things down again.  “Do you want to go over some of the things in your journal?”

Kent shrugged.  He was mad before, when he had come in, but that was forgotten now, and he was okay with going over what was in the journal.  He had practiced that, he knew what to say.  Natalie started right where he knew she would.

“Do you want to tell me about this nightmare you had?”

“It was the same as always.”

“Can you tell me what happened in it?”

Kent sighed and looked down.  He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t at first.  He had known what he wanted to say, but it was different now.  He had never told anyone about his nightmares, he’d never told anyone about the last night with Jack that haunted him every night, he’d never even talked to Jack about it.  As far as Jack knew, it wasn’t even Kent who had found him.  It took a moment for him to softly say, “usually I just find Jack on the bathroom floor again.”  He glanced up and saw Natalie frowning.

“Who’s Jack?” she asked.  “What happened to him?”

There was another silence before Kent spoke again.  “He was my last boyfriend.  My first boyfriend.  I mean, kind of.  He didn’t want to be boyfriends, but we were best friends and always hung out and hooked up a lot,” he said.  He didn’t mean to say that much, he just wanted to tell her Jack had been his last boyfriend, but then it kept coming out.  “He, uh… he took a bottle of his pills after we hooked up one night, and then I told him I was going to go, but I just wanted to go in for a second and say good night while he was supposed to be in the shower, but I… I just kind of found him laying there.” His voice got softer as he spoke and he held himself tighter.  He kept his eyes cast down, trained on a small stain on the rug in front of him.  Natalie was still silent, so he continued.  “We had a fight before we started getting into it, Jack was yelling at me for getting into a fight on the ice and then the guy tried to start it again after the game, off of the ice, and Jack had to step in, and he was really mad about it, and I almost killed him because of it.”  He didn’t realize his eyes were welling up until a tear fell down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away.  “And now sometimes I’ll see him like that when I sleep, but it’s whatever,” he finished with a shrug.

Natalie was quiet for a while before she spoke.  “That wasn’t your fault, Kent.”

“I started the fight, I made him step in, I was the one yelling at him at his place after, and I was the one who left him alone afterwards.  I knew he was all fucked up, and I still did it,” he said firmly.

“You had no way to know what was going to happen.”

There was another tear down his cheek.

“I fucking killed him, don’t say I didn’t.  And even after they brought him back, he’s still gone.”  He shook his head.  “He doesn’t talk to me anymore.  Like, he’ll talk to me, yeah, but not the same way.  He never touched me again after that fight, and I’ve visited him at school, but it’s…it’s not the same.  He hates me now, I know it.  I drove him to it.”

“Kent, he made a choice.  It may not have been a good choice, but that was his choice.  You had no way to know what was going to happen, you shouldn’t blame yourself for something someone else did.”  He reached over and grabbed a box of tissues, handing them to Kent.  He took the box and wiped off his cheeks, mentally kicking himself for crying about it.  He didn’t know why it was so hard to just say it.

Trying to move off of the topic, Kent said, “it was Jeff this time, though.  Instead of Jack on the floor, I walked into our bathroom at the house and walked in to Jeff on the floor, and he had my bottle of pills instead of Jack’s old pills.”

Natalie took a few seconds to write down about the dreams and looked to Kent again. “Have you told Jeff about these?” she asked.  Kent shook his head.

“No, I haven’t told anyone.  You’re the only one who knows.”  He wiped his eyes again and looked up to her.  He hated when he cried.  All he ever did was cry and he didn’t know why.  He just felt like some little kid.  “Sorry, I’m fucking pathetic,” he mumbled. 

“You’re not pathetic, Kent,” she said back.  “Is there anything you do after you have these nightmares?  Anything to try to help yourself?”

Kent shrugged.  “I play on my phone and try to cuddle with Kit, but kinda hard to sneak out of bed without waking up Jeff, so I don’t always get to cuddle with her.”

“Is Kit your dog?” Natalie asked.

Kent shook his head.  “No, she’s my cat.  Do you want to see her pictures?” he asked, already pulling out his phone.  He felt awkward talking about his past and feelings so much, and he already liked to talk about Kit, so it seemed like a win-win.  Before Natalie could even answer, he was pushing his phone towards her with a picture of a white cat in an aces Jersey.  Natalie took the phone and gave a small smile, which, in turn, made Kent smile. 

“That’s sweet.   Is that your number?” she asked.  Kent nodded.  “Does having her around sometimes help with things like this?  Most people can find animals helpful in times of stress.”  Kent nodded again.

“She’s always been around for me.”  He looked up from the stain on the rub again and frowned when he saw they had already used up more of the time.  It wasn’t anything like the first meeting, when he had been watching it every second as he told her about his past and she had gone off about abandonment issues and unstable family structures. 

“Now, if you’ve never told Jeff or tried to wake him up, has he still woken up before.”

“Yeah, there have been a few times he’ll wake up, but he’s always really sleepy and I can get out of there before he actually comes to.”

“Why don’t you want him to know?”

“I don’t want to bother him with it.”

“Do you really think it’s a bother?”

“Uh, yeah?  Me crying again ‘cause I’m a little bitch and can’t handle a bad dream?  That’s a bother,” Kent said back. 

“Plenty of people suffer from nightmares, do you think they’re bothers?” Natalie asked.

“No,” Kent answered after a moment.  “Most people get nightmares just for not reason, and they aren’t all weird about it.  I just get them because I fucked over Jack and then I freak out about them.”

“Can you see that there?  It’s okay for other people to do it, but not you,” she explained.  “Do you think you hold yourself to a higher standard?”

Kent shrugged.  “I’m captain of a national hockey team and I’m pretty much the best player in the league expect for maybe Jack now, I have to have high standards.”  There was a pause.  “But even with Jack, he’s been in college for the past four years, I’ve got the leg up, and we beat them last time we played, so I think I’m still the best.”

Natalie made a note and Kent craned his neck, trying to see what she kept writing, the dried tears forgotten on his face.

She pushed the paper away for the moment and thought before speaking again.  “What would you think of waking him up next time it happens?”  Kent shook his head and she continued.  “You don’t have to do anything you really don’t want to, but you need to remember that a lot fo the things we try here are going to be uncomfortable, but you’ll have to trust me. It can be healthy to talk through things, even traumatic things or things that scary us, like our nightmares.  You don’t need to tell him everything, just that you had a nightmare.”  She searched Kent’s face.  “Do you think you could just try it for one night?  Just shake him awake and tell him you had a nightmare and need comfort.  From what you’ve told me, he’s a nice guy, I’m sure he’ll understand and want to help.”

Kent sighed deeply, then nodded.  “Okay.  One night.  But if it sucks, I’m never doing it again.”

Natalie let out a soft laugh, then Kent laughed, and they spend the last ten minutes going over Kent’s week, talking a bit about the night he spent crying.  While they couldn’t get too into it, Natalie asked quite a few questions about how Kent was feeling during it, what he thought set it off, how often it usually happened.  As they finished, she stood to hold the door open for Kent and lead him out.  “I think you should talk to him when you get home today,” she said as they began to walk down the hallway again. 

“I already talk to him all the time,” Kent said.

“I mean really talk to him, tell him something new.  I know you said you haven’t told anyone about your family, or about the nightmares, or about Jack.  Try to sit Jeff down and tell him something about you he doesn’t know.  Communication is good for relationships, and telling those close to us about ourselves can be good for us, it helps get a burden off of our back.”  As they approached the door to leave, she said, “you can tell him as much or as little as you’d like, or tell him nothing at all, but I think it would be good for you.  Remember the nightmare and talking to him about your past if you can.”  She opened the door for Kent and reached out to shake his hand.  “I can’t want to see you again next week,” she said with her usual smile.

Kent nodded.  “Yeah, I guess I’ll see you again next week.”  He held his little notebook tight to his chest and let the door fall shut.  He started walking out, knowing Jeff would be waiting there for him.  He never forgot him or left him waiting.

Chapter Text

The ride to his next appointment was silent, and Kent was at least happy for that.  Jeff decided not to comment on his puffy cheeks and red eyes, he’d learned long ago that asking Kent why he was crying never amounted to anything, it usually ended with Kent yelling or telling him there really was no real reason.  For the most part, when Jeff found Kent after he cried, Jeff would just try to cheer him up, but there was an air of uncertainty.  This was new, the whole therapy thing, and Jeff knew it could get emotional, but was crying during sessions normal?  Did it come from during or after?  He wanted to know, he wanted to know how he could help, but he didn’t want to upset Kent, so he just tried to stay silent instead.  There was music playing from the stereo, and he looked with a fond smile as Kent started fiddling with the controls, like he usually did.  He switched through stations, then eventually decided on pairing his phone, even if it took over half of their short ride to get Bluetooth to work.  The song Kent picked was barely even half way done when they pulled into the doctor’s office parking lot.

Kent opened his door before Jeff had a chance to and started walking in, knowing his boyfriend would be right next to him, because God forbid Kent go in by himself without his fucking handler.

“Parson,” he answered once the nice-looking lady on the other side of the front desk asked his name.  “P-a-r-s-o-n, Kent.”  Just like all the other appointments he had to go to, he had to give his number, his address, he pulled out his insurance card again, and then was told to go sit and the doctor would be out shortly.  He was really getting used to it, he knew the routine by now.  He went to go sit in the corner, pulling out his phone as Jeff sat next to him and they waited.  It was a while before either spoke. 

“Do you like your therapist?” Jeff asked cautiously.  He wanted to be able to know Kent was at least comfortable with his visits without trying to ask too much.

“As much as I can like anyone I’m forced to pay to see every week to keep my job,” Kent answered, not looking up from his phone.  He wasn’t going to hide it, he hated this.  He kept switching in his mind between wanting to do this to make Jeff happy and Jeff forcing him to do this, and at the moment, he was focused more on the latter.

Jeff frowned.  “If you don’t like her, we can work to find you someone you’re comfortable with.  This is all about you, I just want to help you find someone who can- “

“Yeah, I fucking know, okay?”  Kent said, cutting off Jeff and still not looking up.  “It’s all about helping me, making sure I’m okay, making sure I’m happy, making sure I don’t off myself, I get it, you and all the suits have been saying it since the beginning.”  He was about to add more when his name was called.  He stood up and followed after a nurse holding a clipboard, not bothering to make sure Jeff was still followed.  Of course he was, where else would he go?  It wasn’t in his nature to give Kent what he wanted and to leave him alone for five goddamn minutes.

Just like his first visit, Kent was asking to step onto the scale, stand with his back against the long ruler-looking thing, and go sit on the bed, and answer a few questions before they were told to wait for the doctor to come in.  Sitting on the bed was always his least favorite part, the crinkle of the paper made him cringe and he felt like a kid with his legs dangling down over the edge.  He pointedly looked away from Jeff as they waited, instead letting his eyes wander everywhere expect the chair next to the counter his boyfriend occupied.

There was a soft sigh, then Jeff asked, “can we please not do this here?  I’m just trying to help.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kent said back.

“You were in a good mood this morning; can you at least tell me what happened?”

“Nothing happened, leave it alone.”

Jeff was about to reply, but stopped for a moment.  Kent was right, something nothing happened and his mood just changed.  Jeff was usually good about reading Kent, he could tell when his mood changed, but he’d always had a hard time finding out why.  Kent’s moods could change in the blink of an eye from soft and sweet and clingy to, well, this.  To defensive, averting, and standoffish, and he’d always had a hard time knowing why.  If it was something he was doing that upset Kent, Kent never told him.  “At least tell me if it was something I did?”

“Yeah, it was something you did four weeks ago when you dragged me into that meeting and told everyone I was gonna throw myself off a building.”

“That’s not what I said, Kent, you know what happened.  I told them I was worried about your well being after the coaches said you were acting different and we all agreed this was for your benefit.”  He tried to keep his voice level and thought carefully about his words.  If Kent was going to act like a child, he could at least act like the adult here.

Kent scoffed.  “Yeah, sure, and what about all those emails and meetings without me?  You really gonna try to lie and say you never told them anything like that?”

“There was never any secret meetings or emails or anything, Kent what are you talking about?”

“Bullshit, I know you were all talking about it without me there, quit lying to me.”  He knew they were talking about him, it only made sense for the suits to be asking for updates, and that must have been how they all came to the exact same conclusion to force Kent into doing this.  He turned his head to the side, making sure Jeff could tell he was done with the conversation, and crossed his arms as they waited for his doctor to come in.  It was an awkward couple of minutes, but the door eventually opened, and the same man from a few weeks ago stepped inside.

“Hello, it’s nice to see you both again,” he greeted with a smile, holding his hand out for each to shake.  Kent had the same sour look on his face from before and didn’t say anything, but Jeff said a soft hello back.  He took a few minutes to do the normal doctor stuff without too much speaking.  He checked Kent’s heartbeat, had the cold stethoscope all over his chest, and Kent didn’t know why they had to do this again, he’d just been checked over a couple of weeks earlier and everything was fine.  The doctor, Dr. Hood if Kent remembered right, sat in the computer chair and looked up at Kent once they finished.  “So, you’re here for your check up with the new medication, how has it been working for you?” he asked.

“Terrible, all it does it make me feel like I’m going to throw up,” Kent said without skipping a beat. 

“I see,” Dr. Hood said with a nod of his head.  “And you’ve been taking it with food?”

“Yeah, every morning.  I’m doing everything you said to and it hasn’t changed a thing.”

“Well, these things usually take a while to start working.  It’s only been a couple of weeks, but people tend to notice change six to eight weeks after starting a new medication like this, so it’s possible your body just hasn’t had time to really adjust and start working with it.”  He leaned back in his seat and turned to log on to the computer there, scanning his employee card and pulling up Kent’s file.  “With the medication you’re on, most people noticed changes in mood at around six weeks, so you’ve still got some time, but it’s possible to notice things earlier on.  Is there anything else besides the nausea?  Trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, anything else you can think of?”

Kent had to think for a moment before saying, “no, it’s just the nausea.  Can’t I get onto anything else that won’t make me feel sick all the time?”

“Nausea is a very common symptom of Lexapro, and mostly goes away after the first couple of weeks.  I think for now, we should keep you on it and see if anything else comes up in the next few weeks.  Is that alright with you?”

That wasn’t the answer Kent wanted.  He wanted to be told that yes, he could be taken off of it and that it was a stupid idea to begin with.  “Fine, yeah, it’s fine with me,” he grumbled.  He crossed his arms across his chest and watched as the doctor’s eyes went over the screen.  “I see here all your numbers look good, blood pressure is good.  I also see it says you’ve been going to your psychotherapy appointments for the past couple weeks, everything is working out with that?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“That’s good to hear.  Have you been working on everything in the packet I gave you last time?”

The packet full of tip and tricks and timewasters?  Yeah, sure, of course Kent was just pouring over every word and making sure he tried everything in there.  Why the hell would he waste his time with that when he’d always been fine without them?  “Yeah, I’ve been working on them,” he lied.

“Good, that’s very good.  Then, as long as there’s nothing else you need to tell me, I’ve got a few more things to give you, then you can be on your way out.”  Great, more pieces of paper to take up space in their kitchen.  What a great waste of their day, he was ignored by the doctor and given more fucking paper that he could just print off from WebMD at home.  Dr.  Hood clicked a few things on the computer, then the printer next to him started working and spitting out page after page.  Once it was done, he handed it to Kent.  “Here’s just a bit more information on your medication, some side effects and things of that nature.  Unless anything comes up, I expect to see you back in another ten weeks to make sure everything is going well.  Can we agree to that?”

Kent grabbed his newest packets and glanced though it before nodding.  As shitty as the whole thing was, at least he and Dr. Hood had come to a silent agreement to ignore Jeff the entire time, so the doctor wasn’t too terrible, he supposed.  “Yeah, I’ll be here then.”

Chapter Text

Kent didn’t say a word to Jeff as they walked out, or in the car ride back to the house, or when they got back in.  He kept his arms hooked over his chest and made sure Jeff knew he was ignoring him.  It wasn’t often that he did this, usually he would blow up when he was mad, then apologize after a while, and his silent fits would last longer than his angry fits. 

“Kent, come on, what the fuck did I do?” Jeff asked.  He tried to keep his frustration from leaking into his voice, but it was becoming increasingly hard with each passing minute.  They were walking into the house, Kent a few steps in front of Jeff.  He was silent in response, just like he had been since they left the doctor’s office, and just like he planned to be for as long as possible.  Probably forever at this point.  He just wasn’t going to talk to Jeff again, not if he was going to go behind his back and tell everyone how much of a fucking mess he was.

Once they stepped inside, Kent leaned down and picked up Kit, who had been waiting at the door, like always.  He scooped her in his arms and started walking to the bedroom, not even bothering to close the door on Jeff.  He just didn’t care about making him mad, he wanted Jeff to know that.  He desperately wanted Jeff to know exactly how pissed he was, that he was so pissed he wasn’t even going to go out of his way to make Jeff mad with him, Jeff wasn’t even worth his time.  He went into their shared bedroom and slammed the door shut.  He was only in there for a moment when the door opened and Jeff tossed in his yellow notebook, which he had forgotten in the car.  It landed on the floor and neither said a word as Jeff turned and left, leaving the door wide open.  Kent huffed loudly and slammed it shut again before he resumed his combing through Netflix, trying to find something to put on.  He eventually decided on a cooking show he’d seen plenty of times before.  He sat on the bed and pulled Kit into his lap, petting his fingers through her fur.

“He’s not even worth our time today,” he muttered to the cat, trying to explain to her what was going on between the two of them.  “He wants to just turn around and fuck me over, then he can deal with the consequences, I’m not going to apologize for just letting him know my feelings on what the hell he’s doing, because I don’t have to, because I’m not the one being the dick here, he’s the one betraying me and trying to get everyone else against me and on his side.”  He kept muttering over the show, trying to explain himself for both Kit and himself.  He kept running his fingers through her fur, and made sure he didn’t turn his head when the bedroom door opened again.

Jeff frowned when he saw the notebook on the ground.  He leaned down and picked it up to put it in its place on the bedside table.  “I’m gonna go out and get lunch with some guys on the team, text me if you need something.  We can talk once you stop throwing a tantrum and I get back.”  He didn’t wait for a response, just walked out and left Kent alone with his cat in the room. 

Once the door was shut, Kent glared at the door.  He could hear all the sounds of Jeff getting ready, he was always loud when he was leaving.  Once the front door shut, Kent turned back to Kit.  “What the fuck does he think he’s doing?  He’s going off with our team without me?  Who the hell does he think he is?”  He stopped talking and leaned back, angrily petting Kit now and watching his show as he got lost in his thoughts.

Why the hell wouldn’t he ask me to come? I’m his fucking boyfriend, we live together, and I’m their captain, and I’m stuck at home because that fucking dick doesn’t want to bring me with.

He already asked me this morning to go get lunch and now he’s going off without me.  What would he ask me and then make other plans?  Is he mad?  What does he have to be mad about?  It’s not like I did anything.  I’m allowed to be mad because he fucked me over, he doesn’t get to be mad, I didn’t do anything wrong.

What the hell did I do wrong?  He's not just mad about nothing, I did something to make him mad.

He didn’t invite me because he’s mad.  I made him mad, I snapped at him and yelled at him and I was supposed to talk to him and I never did.  Fuck, I never talked to him.  I’m lying to him.

I shouldn’t have made him mad.  I don’t like when he gets mad, I like keeping him happy.  Fuck, I made him mad, I pissed him off, I fucked up.

The other guys don’t want me there, either.  I fucked up.  I pushed them too hard, I wasn’t nice enough this season, I didn’t get us to the cup again.  I fucked up.  They don’t want me there. 

I made them mad, I screwed it up.

I fucked up.

I made Jeff mad.

I’m lying to him.

The guys don’t want me.

I fucked up.

I fucked up.

As his thoughts started racing, Kent started to lose notice of the things around him.  The sound from the tv just became a soft buzzing in his ear, he didn’t even notice as he stopped petting Kit in favor of pulling his knees to his chest, and she was forced to jump off.  He could distantly register fingers running through his hair, nails digging into his scalp, but he didn’t realize it was his own hands.  He started breathing heavier with each passing moment, each new thought feeling like a brink on his chest and he grabbed at his chest.  He felt like he was having an asthma attack, but he didn’t have the mind to tell himself to get up and grab his inhaler, try to take a puff.  He’d felt like this a few times, but he was still just as clueless every time it happened.

There were soft paws digging at his arms, Kit trying to get back into his lap and curl up with him, but he just shook his head. 

“I fucked up, I fucked it up, I fucked up,” he kept muttering to himself.  He started rocking himself back and forth, nearly hyperventilating.  Everything felt fast and like it was pushing against him and he just wanted it to stop, but he couldn’t stop, he could just sit there and take it.

He was sat for a while just by himself.  He had lost track of time, but when he finally came back to his senses, he saw his episode had ended and another had just started.  His head hurt and he yawned, feeling tired.  He looked down at Kit, who was staring up at him and crawled into his arms.  He ran his fingers through her fur a few times and leaned back in bed.  He was slowly beginning to come back to himself, but he still felt fuzzy, like he wasn’t all there.  He looked blindly at the tv in front of him, trying to focus on it, but the same thoughts from before kept showing up in his head, just softer than before. 

When he heard the front door open, he barely registered it.  It only really clicked that Jeff was home once he heard the foot steps in the hall and the bedroom door open. 

“Are you ready to talk now?” Jeff asked, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed.  “The guys all missed you, would’ve been nice if you came.”

You didn’t fucking ask me to come.  Kent wanted to say as much to Jeff, but he just kept his mouth shut, acting like he didn’t even notice Jeff was there.

It was silent for a moment before there was a heavy sigh.  “Fucking fine, act like a goddamn child and keep pouting.  I’ll go act like an adult and go do adult things and be ready to communicate like an adult when you decide to act your age.”

There was a slam of a door and Kent jumped, curling in a bit more.  He hated the slamming doors, but he wasn’t talking to Jeff, so whatever, he could live through it.

He was alone for a while longer, and he could still hear Jeff in the main room of the house.  He was probably watching whatever game was on.  He’d always been good at jumping into whatever sport was one and watching intently like he was watching tapes for hockey.  As he was alone, when he wasn’t focused on the sounds, he at least tried to think about what he and Natalie had talked about before.  It was still bullshit, what she had said, but he had promised to try.  All he had to do was tell Jeff one thing he didn’t know, and then they’d be done.  That was all he had to do for the week.  Simple as that.  He went through his mind, trying to think of the easiest thing he could say.  Not Jack, Jeff would freak out and overreact about that.  He already was weird about Jack, he figured Jeff knew there was at least something up with the two of them, so Jack was out of the question.  He could tell Jeff about his family.  He already felt back about lying about his childhood for years, and that at least wouldn’t be too bad.  It was still bad, but not as bad as driving his boyfriend to trying to kill himself and finding him in the bathroom. 

He sat still for another few minutes, just trying to go over what he was going to say, before he was finally able to pull himself up and walk to the sitting room.  He avoided looked at Jeff and fell back into the love seat that sat next to the couch.  Jeff looked over at Kent, and Kent looked at the window behind Jeff, making it look like he was looking at his boyfriend without actually having to make eye contact. 

There was a long moment of silence before Kent muttered, “my dad didn’t die in a car accident.”  He crossed his arms and leaned back, trying to get comfortable and failing.

“What are you doing?  What are you talking about Kent?” Jeff asked, visibly confused.

“Natalie said I need to talk, so I’m fucking talking, what does it look like?” Kent snapped.  “She said to tell you something you don’t know, so there.  My dad didn’t die in a car accident.  At last, he didn’t the say I said he did.”

“What do you mean he didn’t the way you said he did?”

Kent huffed and was quiet for a minute before saying, “he wasn’t hit by a drunk driver, he was wasted and rammed his car into a ditch while he was going seventy around a turn.  He rolled a few times and didn’t make it, that’s what I mean.”

Jeff was silent for a few seconds before asking, “why wouldn’t you tell me that before?”  His voice was different now, not as harsh and angry as before.

“Who the hell wants to tell someone that their asshole dad was such an alcoholic that he was driving drunk just to go get more booze on their birthday?” Kent asked.  He turned his head to the side, making sure Jeff knew he wasn’t looking at him again.

“Shit, Kent, on your fucking birthday?  How old were you?”

“Thirteen,” Kent said with a shrug.  “We were supposed to go to some fourth of July party, but mom wanted to stay home for my birthday, since it was pretty much the first he was around for, so dad got pissed, drank all the beer in the fridge, and went off to grab more.  Honestly, we were glad he never came back, he was a fucking dick.”  That wasn’t completely true.  Kent had been devastated when his dad hadn’t come home, but it was easier over the years to tell himself he wasn’t sad, he wasn’t mad, he was just indifferent.  Who cares if he never showed up?  Who cares if he never came home?  Not caring was better than feeling sad about it.

“Jesus, you were a fucking kid?  I have so many questions about this.  Why the hell didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I already said, who wants to talk about a downer like that?  PR managed to keep it from getting out, so I figured the less people who know, the better.”

“Okay, so what do you mean it was the first one he was there for.”

Kent took a deep breath, trying to think of how he wanted to explain that one.  Finally, he decided.  “Dad left when I was little, and he was sometimes home, but never for that long.  Mostly just for a month or two, then would run off again.  When he was around, he was always drunk and an asshole, and honestly, mom wasn’t that much better, but at least she was just a bitch, wasn’t a fucking drunk like him.  He just always came back saying he wanted to try harder and be a real dad, that he wanted to get sober, but it didn’t last long.”  When he didn’t hear anything from Jeff in a while, Kent looked over at him.  “Are you just going to stare at me?  It’s not that bad, you’re making a big deal about it.”

“Kent, that’s a really shitty thing that happened to you and you’re acting like nothing happened.  Have you told anyone about this?’

Kent shrugged.  “I told Natalie, that’s it.  Not really something you just bring up.”  He looked up as Jeff stood and walked over to him, not returning the hug Jeff pulled him into.

“Thank you for telling me this.”

“You’re making it weird, Jeff,” Kent said back, trying to make the air around them seem less serious.  He didn’t do well with serious, he liked being able to joke and act like nothing really mattered.  Being serious was weird and hard.

“I’m being a hundred percent serious, I’m glad you told me.  Is there anything else you want to say?”

Kent was still desperately aware of the arms wrapped around him and shook his head. “No, there’s nothing else, that’s all I had to say,” he muttered.  “Just…can we ignore everything now?  Can we just put on the tv and order pizza or something?”

Jeff pulled away from the hug and nodded.  “Yeah, come on, I’ll order some pizza for you and we can watch whatever you want.”