Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Some Random Award Show

2009

Karlie.

I couldn’t get used to awards shows yet. I really don’t know why I’m here, I’m a model, it’s not like I’m going to get an award or something, but my team said big names come here and if I want to make it far in the modeling world I must bring a lot of attention and people has to like me. I also don’t understand being handled by people as if I had no capability to think for myself but that’s for another day. So, I try to be charming as ever, but I can’t help to think how surreal this feels. I’m only seventeen and I should be on my senior year of high school but instead I’m here surrounded by a lot of people older than me and I feel incredibly small.

“Hey, you there?” A guy called Andrew that works for a magazine looks at me concerned. I blink twice. Oh. I totally zoomed out while he was talking. Not a good impression.

“Yeah.” I shrug trying to play it nonanchantly. “I’m still very new to this thing”

Andrew throws me a sympathy look.

“Hey, you´ll get used to it. You are very early in your career but give it a few years more and you’ll be looking forward to this kind of events. “

I give him a small smile and I’m about to reply when a girl comes to us, greeting Andrew. Then she turns to me.

“Hey, I’m Emma Stone.” The redhead flashes me a smile.

“You look familiar.” I blurt out and then I want to slap myself because of course that’s the dumbest thing to say in a room full of celebrities. Emma chuckles.

“Really?” She’s sparkling with excitement. “Have you seen Super Bad? I was on it”

“Oh, yes! The movie about the two awkward kids. It was funny. You were the one that got hit by the curly guy, right?

“My most remarkable scene.” She laughs and she’s about to say something else when Andrew interrupts us.

“Look it’s Taylor Swift.” He points to a tall blonde girl and then turns to us.

Emma looks at Taylor’s way, eyes twinkling with something I can’t identify.

“You guys know Taylor Swift?”

I shook my head ―I mean, I know who she is because her two hit singles are the only thing radio played last year but I have never talked to her―at the same time Andrew nods.

“Yeah, I met her briefly when she did her Teen Vogue cover.” He replies.

Emma smile only grows bigger.

“Let’s go and talk to her.”

We make our way to the tall blonde, ―not quite as tall as me though, I doubt anyone can be taller―she is talking with someone but as we approach the other girl leaves and when we finally reach her, she’s alone with her face flustered. What did the other girl tell her?

“Hey Taylor,” Andrew says “I’m Andrew from Teen Vogue, I don’t know if you remember me, but I just wanted to tell you that your cover was beautiful!

Taylor smiles shyly at him, but her enthusiasm is clear in her voice when she responds with a loud “Thanks!”

I tilt my head to the side. She’s cute.

Andrew makes a motion with his arm pointing at us.

“This is Emma Stone and Karlie Kloss, and―”

“TAYLOR!” Emma gasps interrupting him as if Taylor was her wife coming home from the army for the first time in months.

“EMMA!” I suppress rolling my eyes when this girl Taylor greets her equally as dramatical. I’m younger than them and even I don’t act this way.

They hug like if they want to melt in each other arms and I start to grow uncomfortable because honestly, they look seconds away from dry humping. Andrew just looks at them amused. After a too long embrace they finally separate and then Taylor cups Emma’s check and leans closer and my heart jumps in my chest because is she about to kiss her?! A girl kissing a girl, here, in front of everyone!?

To my relief Taylor doesn’t kiss her. She just lets her hands on her face while Emma’s are on her shoulders and starts to talk with Emma with hushed words, and now they are looking at each other like if they know a secret nobody else does and I just want to get away because they clearly forgot about us now and I can’t help but to think that I’m intruding.

Andrew doesn’t think the same tough.  He claps loudly and that’s enough to startle the love birds that finally separate, their shoulders still touching.

“Didn’t your parents tell you that is not a good impression to ignore the people that you just had met?” He means it as a joke, but it comes out pretty awkward and I struggle to not cringe.

Taylor and Emma have the decency to look at least little embarrassed and when the blonde girl finally notices me, she blinks twice, like if I haven’t been standing there for the last five minutes.

“Hi,” she says and then takes a step closer to me. Emma starts talking with Andrew. “I’m Taylor.” She waves.

“Nice to meet you.” I reply with what I hope looks like a genuinely smile. There wasn’t anything nice about being ignored but I’m here to make good impressions, so I shallow my annoyance and try to look as lovely as ever. I realize it didn’t work when Taylor laughs.

“Your face says otherwise.” She says amusedly and then my expression of utter horror at being caught must be so funny for her because she laughs louder. I don’t know what to say but luckily Taylor keeps talking after her laugh dies.

“You are very tall. And that is something coming from a tall person. Like I thought I was tall but look at you, you are a giant!”

As a teenager I’m not still quite comfortably with my height but I shrug. “Well, I’m 6 feet. I hope I don’t grow up anymore”

“As I said very tall. You should be a model. “

I want to scream. I can’t help the smug smirk that spreads across my face when I reply with a cocky: “I am one.”

Taylor makes a sound that can’t be human ―between a snort and a chuckle― and then she looks at me as if I am the most interesting thing in the universe, her eyes sparkling with curiosity.

“Should have seen that one coming. You are gorgeous and tall, of course you are a model,” she shakes her head and I blush a little because of her compliments. “How old are you?”

“Seventeen.” I try not to laugh as I reply because her accent is funny. She’s so obviously from Nashville and fortunately Taylor doesn’t notice my struggle.

“Mhmmm I’m 5´9 and I stopped growing at eighteen. I’m 20 now.  Don’t worry too much.”

 I nod and then we are just standing there looking at each other awkwardly and in my need of filling the silence I blurt out the same words I told Emma mere minutes ago.

“You look familiar.” I can’t believe I said this twice in one night, and I feel heat crawl up my neck and I really want to lock myself in my bedroom and never come out.

Instead of teasing me as I was expecting, Taylor looks thoughtful.

“Really? I don’t recall meetin’ you before.”

“Oh, oh no. I mean yeah this is the first time we met.” I fumble with my words. “But like I saw you in a video or something, uhm― Love Story that is! I really like the song and it became a hit, so I have watched the video a couple of times.”

Taylor is watching me with delight and her smile is so big that it’s a wonder how her face doesn’t split in half. “That’s very sweet Karlie, thank you. And Love Story it’s one of my favorites too.” She sighs dreamily, her gaze drifting into the distance, and for a moment it’s like her mind isn’t here but then she looks at me “Marry me Juliet.” She half sings, half talks and then she gives me a wink and I blush so hard because what the fuck?! Did Taylor Swift just flirt with me?! Wasn’t she swooning over Emma like a minute ago?

I sure must look shocked and Taylor taking the chance of me being distracted, grabs a glass of wine from a waitress and sips it.

“Lovely song.” I croak out, voice coming out a little higher than I intended, and I internally wince. Lucky for me Emma and Andrew decide to approach us now and they save me of embarrassing myself even further.

The four of us get in a talk, but Taylor is mostly sneaking glances at Emma while the girl speaks and it’s so gross how whipped she looks, like really, her eyes are literally two hearts at this point. We talk for a few more minutes until Emma tugs Taylor and takes her to say hi to another people but not before flashing me a wide grin and for a moment I can understand why Taylor gives her starry eyes; Emma is beautiful. Taylor only gives us another wave, too concentrated in Emma to even say goodbye.  They walk away holding hands and I turn to Andrew.

“Taylor is really something else.” He chuckles and before I can ask him about it he introduces me to another group of people. I sigh inwards.

I should really get used to award shows.

ROBERTO CAVALLI’S 40^th PARTY

2010

Karlie

THE PARTY IS AMAZING. I was invited, and the place is cool as fuck, an ancient edifice that was now a museum called the École Nationale Supérieure des Beaux-Arts that has nearly over 200 years ago and it’s all about fashion. I feel at ease here, like this is where I belong, and nobody cares if I’m underage and drinking glasses of champagne and we are in fucking Paris, the city of fashion, hello.

I’m three hours into the party, when I excuse myself of the groups of cool models that I’m talking to and go to the bathroom. When I’m entering someone is about to leave and the doorway is small, so we bump into each other. The girl crashes on my neck because I’m awfully tall ‘cause to my dismay I ended up growing another two inches so now I’m 6’2.  I liked being tall just not THIS tall. But then I realized that being this tall landed me more modeling jobs since there weren’t many girls that were this height without heels, so I started to embrace it and then I moved on from my insecurities about being a giraffe.

“Sorry,” me and the girl talk at the same time and then she looks up and holy shit, it’s Taylor. She is awfully tall too, I’m only three inches taller than her, and I rub my neck because it hurts a little.

“Hello, Taylor.” I smile and it’s not embarrassing anymore because at least I have met her before. Taylor only looks me with brows furrowed and a little of amusement before I realize l am blocking the exit, so I step aside. She doesn’t move.

“Hi.” she says and it’s awkward. It’s my turn to frown because I thought we were pass that. But I get her, we only had met before once so maybe she builds relationships with people in a slower pace. Maybe she doesn’t get comfortable with people being causal with her until she really knows them and since I kind of want to have at least a casual friendship with this girl ―the more acquaintances I do in the industry better― I try to do small talk.

“I didn’t expect you to see you here.” 

Taylor amusement only grows but she also looks a bit offended and I frown in confusion, did I say something wrong? I sneak a glance in her way; she’s wearing a black Roberto Cavalli mini spritzed with silver rhinestones, with her hair in a bun. She looks good.

 “Well, I fancy this kind of events. I never have been in Paris you know? It’s weird because I travel a lot so when I got invited I couldn’t decline. Also, my hotel room is so cool, I can see the Eiffel tower from my window! And Paris is so nice, I went sightseeing and the whole thing is just breath taking, it’s like a dream come true.” She is beaming now, and I’m surprised of how much she’s talking. She must realize this too because then she says, “and I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

I smile sweetly.

“I understand the excitement. I have been in Paris a few times in fashion shows and yeah, the city of love is pretty amazing. “

Taylor nods and then she stares at me curiously.

“What?” I say when she’s been staring at me for over ten seconds without saying nothing. She doesn’t even blink but her mouth curves as she is about to say something.

“Taylor!” A brunette enters the bathroom interrupting whatever Taylor was going to say. She walks to Taylor’s side and throws me a curious glance but doesn’t say nothing. “I thought you got diarrhea or something, you were taking so much time.”

Taylor’s checks redden, and I try to hide my laugh

“Uhm I was just talking to―uhm―” She makes a motion with her arm, pointing at me.

“Whatever,” the brunette says, and she looks in a hurry. She takes Taylor’s arm and drags her outside, the brunette only giving me a rushed ´bye´ and Taylor doesn’t even throw me a glance before they disappear in the party again. I shook my head and go to pee.

 There’re over 1,200 guests in the party tonight and I don’t see Taylor again tonight.

Tommy Hilfiger’s Spring Fashion Show

2010

Taylor.

I’m sitting front row in one of the fashions shows my team said I have to attend in order to keep myself relevant and public appearances are always good promo for my upcoming album. Unlike many of the events I was forced to go, I was actually looking forward to this one since the moment I knew I was going to for one simple reason: girls. Stunning, tall, beautiful and amazing women walking down the catwalk in clothes designed exactly for them, that fitted them in the right places and hugged their curves in a way that made my heart do flips, was like a dream come true. But of course, the world couldn’t know. They couldn’t know that America sweetheart was a girl that was losing her mind over other girls, that liked to kiss them, love them, caress them, sometimes make them scream my name at inappropriate hours of the day and write the rest of my life about them. No, they couldn’t know when my love was seen as an illness, something that still wasn’t even legal in some parts of the world and therefore considered as a crime. It also wasn’t something that I was eager to share, since being gay was not a good image for a rising country star when most of my targeted audience was teenage girls from conservative families that would rather kill themselves than let their daughters listen to a lesbian. And my career was doing pretty good lately so the last thing on my mind was coming out since that would make my career plump faster than a blink.  

So, I had to keep my swooning at bay and make a neutral face whenever a particular beautiful girl passed by me, clap when everyone else was doing it so I don’t look suspicious and let out a little laugh when someone seated close would crack a joke, after all I was attending this for promo and I had to look charming.

This worked for me for the best part of the night, until a very tall girl made her entrance and my breath got caught in my throat for a second because holy shit, this girl is hot. She looks pretty young, maybe way too young to be modelling and she was all high cheek bones and sharp features, her jaw looking like it can cute me in a half, and although she has long straight brunette hair― I had a thing for green eyes blondes― I was still hypnotized by her.  She is wrapped in a red jumpsuit, same color as me and I feel silly thinking that we match. Her eyes are almost transparent because of the light so I can’t quite make out the color they are but they looked like a light green blue-ish, but the thing that was making my heart beat faster was her gaze; confidence poured from her, and she has a look that is almost predatory, walking like she owns the place and I find myself very attracted to that. She resembles a panther watching her prey and God damn if I don’t want to be eaten by her. I scan her face when she passes by me to get a better look and the only flaw I can find is her top lip; it’s so thin it almost looks like it doesn’t exist, seems like it could disappear if she smiles and her bottom lip isn’t even that full to make it up for the lack of the upper one, but I still wonder what would it feel to kiss lips like these.  

The girl was gone in seconds, modeling off her red jumpsuit to the audience in the center, and I feel bitterness as I’m seated in the sides, wishing to be seated there to catch a better glimpse of her and that gaze. There was a tug at the back of my mind telling me that she looked familiar, but I brushed it off quickly, it was not unlikely that I had seen her face in an event or something so maybe that’s why.

“Her name is Karlie. Karlie Kloss.” I feel a gentle swat in my arm, and I stop watching the girl to stare at my stylist, Joseph, who is sited beside me, a knowing smirk on his face. “She’s eighteen and an absolutely sweetheart.”

“You know her?” I ask as I watch Karlie walk away, disappearing into black curtains and stupidly wishing she would turn to look at me, which is very impossible since models are only allowed to keep their gazes at front, always.

“Mhmm” Joseph says, nodding. “I have worked with her, maybe in two or three shootings and she’s an angel. She always brings cookies to the whole staff that are delicious. I think you two would get along nicely, since you both love to bake and you kinda share the same personality traits. Like I thought you were the sweetest person ever but then I met Karlie and she beats you. By mills.”

“Looks like an interesting person,” I said, watching the other models, processing the information I just got about this girl Karlie. If she really likes to bake, I can reach her with the excuse of a bake date, and I could see us two developing a friendship and it would be the coolest thing ever to have a friend that shares my passion since all of my friends don’t even know how to make a cupcake.

 “I’ll try to get in contact with her.” I decide as I make a mental note to ask Paula, my publicist, to get me Karlie’s number.

“You should” Joseph said, cockiness covering his voice. “And if you don’t it hit off right away, I’m sure the fact you were thirsting over her earlier is gonna help.”

I gasp as I turn with a horrified look to glare at him

“I wasn’t.” I tell him and elbow his ribs. His smirk only gets bigger.

“Whatever you say,” Joseph says shrugging his shoulders, his tone letting me know he doesn’t believe me one bit.

I shook my head, faking offence, and I focus my attention to the models again.

“Karlie.” I sigh, and that is the first time I taste her name in my mouth.

“Don’t drool too much, Tay” Penn Badlgey― who is sited on my other side ―snorts and I throw him a dirty look for the rest of the show.

 Met Gala 2011

I never reached Karlie. In fact, I forgot absolutely about Karlie Kloss and her high cheek bones and lipless mouth, the moment a new person walked into my life; Dianna Agron. Blonde and with green eyes as I like them ―except her eyes were hazel only green with the light― and it was like the only thing I knew about life anymore was her.  I went to sleep with her name tattooed on my mind, waking up with her essence, breathing her laughs, thinking about her smiles, wanting to write hundreds of albums about her. I thought I loved before, but oh God, I was wrong. Loving Dianna took all my energy, her always occupying my thoughts like an illness that makes your way into your body slowly and once you realize it it’s too late to do anything.

And I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why being in love with her felt sometimes as I could fly because that’s how just happy I was and other times, it was like my skin was being peeled off my bones. I didn’t understand why loving her made me feel like I couldn’t breathe, like I was always drowning, when love is supposed to make you feel good. But not with Dianna, she is always the fucking exception of the rule.

So tired as ever, with all my energy drained because of the chaos that was loving her, I attended the Met Gala. That event was a big deal, it was like a convection of celebs and it created a lot of buzz among the normal people. This year was my third time coming, and not only for promo reasons, I also enjoyed this because it was a good chance to catch up with acquaintances and old friends, the music was good, and the food was delicious. I also loved walking the red carpet, since this one gets more attention than any other event because we have to get dressed in a particular thematic that changed every year, and everyone was eager to see how we ended up going.  This year the theme was Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty and I was dressed in a J. Mendel gown, my hair in a fancy up-do.

This year for the first time in the Met Gala I felt like I was dying as I climbed the stairs, and I throwed a smile that I wasn’t feeling, stroke various poses and after ten minutes of pure agony where the photographers took their shoots, I quickly made my way inside.

Dianna is here. Or at least she is supposed to. Of course, we didn’t come together because Paula advised against it, which lead to a fight ―that I didn’t have energy for― between me and Dianna and we haven’t made up yet, so I scan the room searching for her, sighing when I don’t find her.  A member of the staff takes me to my table, which is pretty empty. I thank him, and I order him a whisky on ice, and he lefts, letting me alone to wander with my thoughts and I decide right there that as soon as I see Dianna I’m going to apologize even though I don’t know what the fuck I’m apologizing for.  I just want us to be okay. It feels like shit because I haven’t seen my girlfriend in a month and yesterday I got to finally see her properly and we fought. Just fucking great.

I was gulping my seventh whisky down, my table now only half empty at that time and still no sign of Dianna, when a familiar face came into my vision; Lily Aldridge, my supermodel friend with all of her glory in a beautiful gown, came to greet me and she wasn’t alone. My eyes widened slightly as I realized that the person behind her was none else than Karlie Kloss.

“Hey Tay.” Lily greets me kissing my check. I give her a one sided huge, still sitting on my chair. She steps aside, and I take in the stunning sight that is Karlie in a gold Dior gown. I can see her eyes better from here and I realize they are green, with the faintest blue in them. “This is uh―” she motions with her hands to where Karlie is standing awkwardly. It is weird to see her like this when I still remember how confident she was in the catwalk when I first saw her, “Karlie. Ok, you two are kindred spirits. How have my two nice American friends never met?”

“I don’t know.” Karlie says and there’s amusement sparkling in her eyes and I want to know what’s so funny. Lily shrugs her off and goes to goes to speak with someone on my table.

I crack a half smile―the only genuine smile I had made in the whole night― when Karlie extends her hand with a quick “Hi”. I shake my hand with hers, liking how soft they are unlike mine that have callouses for playing the guitar constantly.

“Oh, I know who you are.” I say cheekily.

Karlie’s eyes widen slightly.

“Really? I think I would recall meeting you before. Your face is kinda hard to forget.” She says playfully.

I arch a brow. Is this girl hitting on me?

“You are not so bad yourself.” I reply with the same tone as hers. Then I use a more serious voice. “You look…” I let my eyes scan quickly her body while in my mind I try to search the right word that defined Karlie´s beauty. I look her in the eyes when I find it. “Gorgeous.”

Karlie’s cheeks blush slightly. She opens her mouth to say something, but I continue speaking.

“And my make-up people always say that you and I should meet up since we both love to bake. They said that your cookies are send by the gods.  “

Karlie blushes more, but there’s a smirk on her face.

“Seriously?”

“Yes, almost every time I do to a shoot they go: ‘Doesn’t she reminds you of Karlie? God, she and Karlie would be best friends’”

“Wouldn’t you like to find out?” She must see the confusion on my face because she adds: “About the cookies, I mean. Know if what they say about it its true. And by the way they say the same to me.” Her voice deepens, “´Karlie you must meet Taylor.  You even look alike physically and you even kinda have the same personality´”

I can’t help but let out a chuckle at Karlie trying to imitate the voice of her stylist. Then I realize that she was still standing, and I was sitting, so I quickly pull the beside chair for her. 

“Sit, please” I motion to the chair. She does as told. “I’m sorry I didn’t do that earlier. That was rude of me.”

Karlie waves me off with her hand, resting matter to the situation.

“Isn’t this chair for someone else?”

I froze as a I hear the words because that chair was for Dianna. I let out a shaky breath, I don’t want to think about Dianna right now, so I turn to look at Karlie, trying to focus on her face.

“Yes.” I reply through gritted teeth. “But they are not coming.”

Karlie must note the bitterness in my tone, because she doesn’t make more questions. Being aware of the awkward air that was starting to form between us, I say the first thing that comes to my mind.

“You know, I saw you last year.” Karlie watches me quietly. “Tommy Hilfiger Spring fashion show.  You looked impressive walking down the catwalk. Your face of determination was just―” I motion with my hands, “wow. You totally choose the right career. “

Karlie smiled shyly at that.

“Thank you, I’m glad you liked it. And I always try to do everything right. It’s very impourtanth to me to offer nothing but the best”

Almost everything she said went over my head when I heard the way she pronounced “important”.

“What was that?” I ask with an amused face. Had I been sober I would never make a funny remark after she just spoke so honestly about her feelings. But damn, today I was an emotional wreck and I was tipsy ―okay maybe a little bit drunk― so my words don’t have filter.

“Excuse me?” Karlie asks, hurt flashing in her eyes.  Oh shit, she thought I was making fun about her feelings.

“I mean, the way you say impourtanth.” I try to imitate her. “You pronounced it weird.”

Karlie relaxed but her expression changed to a confused one.

“I don’t.”

“You do! You said ‘impourtanth’”

“Did not”

“Say it again. I challenge you”

Karlie scoffs at that.

“I’m perfectly capable of saying the word impourtanth right Taylor. “

I let out a quickly laugh when she pronounces it the same way as before.

“Oh my god.” I say between chuckles. “Karlie Kloss, can model, can bake, but can’t say the word important.  Can’t believe I just found your weakness.”

Karlie let out an annoyed huff at that. She totally believes she is saying it right.

“Taylor Swift, can sing, can bake, but can’t hear correctly because I’m pronouncing the word right.”

I smirk.

“My ears are perfectly good, thank you.”

“Really?” She says arching a brow. “To me it looks like they can do a check-up.”

I was just gonna reply when my phone buzzed, the words dying in my throat when I checked it.

You

Where are you?

19:06

Babe <3

I went out clubbing

8:30

You

You can’t be serious right now

8:31

Babe <3

I dont want to see you

You r always saying im the one making things difficult but your team makes the impossible to keep us apart

8:31

I swallowed the lump in my throat at that because she was right.

You

Babe please

I want to apologize

Please come

8:32

Babe <3

I’ll think about it

8:34

I didn’t know how my face looked at that moment but when I blocked my phone and turned my attention back to Karlie, the girl was already standing, Lily beside her.

“Uhm,” she started awkwardly, I guess my expression wasn’t a good one. “It was nice to meet you Taylor, but we have to return to our table.”

I wave my hand at her, suddenly not in the mood for talking. Lily gives me a kiss on the check and goes away with a quick “See ya later Tay.”

I make a decision quickly in my head as I see Karlie walk away. I grab her wrist before she is out of reach, and she turns to look at me, a question in her eyes.

“I would really like to find out if what they say about the cookies is true.”

Karlie smiles at that.

“It’s this your way of inviting me on a bake date?”

I force myself to smile at that. Karlie had no idea what I was going through, and I don’t want to leave a bad impression on the girl. She is nice, and I don’t want to ruin my chances of a friendship with her.

“It is.” I retreat my hand and Karlie smile only grows bigger.

“Hope to see you soon then.” She dedicates me a last smile and turns to go in the direction Lily disappeared before.

Dianna showed up half an hour later and it felt like I could breathe again. We made up, danced the night away and suddenly the Met Gala wasn’t so bad. I ran into Karlie a few times and into other friends, but I walked away right away, avoiding them like the plague not wanting for a second to turn my attention away from my girlfriend, having the irrational thought that Dianna would disappear if I let her out of my sight for only a second.

As I looked into her bright hazel eyes watching me with adoration I wondered when it will stop hurting.

Rodarte Spring Fashion 2012. / Vogue February Issue 2012

September 12^th 2011

Taylor.

"I have never been to a show where I wanted to wear everything,” I say breathlessly, watching the models come and go.

Anna Wintour lets out a little laugh, because of course I’m seated beside the editor in chief of one of the most important magazines of the country.

“I’m really feeling the Sleeping Beauty and Van Gogh’s vibes.” She looks at me through her sunglasses ― and she’s the only one who can get away with using them in a closed space because of the mere fact that she is Anna Wintour― and I nod in agreement.

“The colors feel like an old Disney Movie.” Rooney adds and then the three of us engage in a conversation discussing the inspirations behind the clothes as flurries of purple and green pass in front of our eyes. The models are always a sigh to behold and halfway through the show I get stuck in the infamous limbo of; do I want to be her? Or do I want to be with her? Until a brunette comes walking down into the runaway and I squint my eyes trying to figure out why does she look so familiar.

She’s taller than the other models, all sharp features and arched eyebrows, wearing a long purple dress, with some light blue decorations on, black high heels on and even though is a pretty dress, her look is the most captivating thing about her. She looks determined, ready to kill a man, and her heavy black shadow only emphasizes that.

“She is called The Panther.” Anna says low as if it were a secret. “I don’t know who named her, but they were very spot on. That look is depredatory.”

It’s not until I have her only a few inches away that I recognize her. This is the same girl I encountered in the Met Gala a few months ago, the same girl I was watching a year ago in the same position. Karlie.

She leaves too fast and the next model comes on but I’m not paying attention anymore, my mind now filling with memories of a promised bake date. I never reached her, I managed to forget about the tall girl once again but to be fair if I thought loving Dianna was exhausting before, I had no fucking idea. I was hopeless to think that things would get better. It was a constant dose of distance, timing, breakdown, fighting, silence, and giving up. I knew that our relationship was doomed, but I couldn’t bring myself to really leave her because as much as it hurts being with her, the idea of leaving her made me feel like my heart was being ripped out of my body. It also took a lot of courage, courage that I didn’t have.

The familiar sensation of guilt sits heavy at the pit of my stomach, God, she must think I’m an asshole. I need to make it up to her.

 As the show wraps out I think for a while about going backstage and meeting her there, after all there’s no way someone would object to that, after many years in the industry my name carries power and with that comes a lot of privileges. But then I remember I’m gonna be interviewed by Vogue right after this is over so that possibility is out of the table now. It seems I’m not gonna see Karlie any sooner. I sigh and watch a little bitter the rest of the show, only cheering up when Beyoncé comes to hug me as the show is finally over and that at least puts me in a better mood.

The interviewer, Jonathan, is waiting for me outside and I smile at him as we as we hop into my car and make our way to designer showrooms. These kinds of written interviews are my favorite ones because they will never ask something that I wouldn’t allow, or I could avoid it easily or just simply politely ask to keep it off record. It gives me a sense of security.

“Have you watched the Honey Badger video?” I’m trying to shake off the awkward tension that its normal between two strangers. Jonathan nods and I take that as a green light to start making an imitation of the video, “I know all the words by memory.” I laugh once I’m finished, then I remember my image. “Could you keep the swearing off track please?”

“Yes, don’t worry about it.”

We talk for a while, about not being the popular kid, my music, my dating life, and we are now visiting the second designer showroom of the day, a tiny studio owned by Prabal Gurung. I have just set a foot in when something on the wall in front of me caught my eye. It looks awful familiar, so I walk the few steps to get a closer view only to find it was a photo of Karlie in one of Gurung’s dresses.  I couldn’t believe my eyes; It was like a slap to my face, an ironical coincidence, a way of fate trying to tell me something. I couldn’t waste this chance.

I can feel the seven people in this studio watching me quietly. I touch the pic slowly, thinking about my next words carefully.

“I love Karlie Kloss.” This would have to do it, this was my way to make it up for her. “I want to bake cookies with her.”  It was like an open invitation, I knew there was no way in hell she wouldn’t hear of this, she’s a model, she surely keeps tabs on magazines. 

The rest of the interview went pretty smooth and I made pretty clear that I wanted that part about Karlie to end up in the actual magazine. Then I let Paula know that I wanted to be notified immediately if Karlie Kloss or her team tried to reach me. If she doesn’t reply when the magazine is out then I would know she wants nothing to do with me, but if she does...Well, I can see us becoming great friends.

January 17^th 2012

The magazine was released yesterday. Dianna had already tweeted me about it and it was quite funny actually trying to see her winning me back calling me ‘beautiful’. My heart still did a flip when I saw her tweet though and I hated myself for it because this was dangerous territory, Dianna was nothing but trouble and worst of all, she wasn’t ready to commit, her play girl reputation preceding her, leading us to end our rather causal relationship two weeks ago. I wanted to be serious, she didn’t, end of discussion.  I still have feelings for her and she isn’t making this anything easier and fuck, I don’t want to think about her stupid handsome face right now, so I go to my living room and make myself a cocktail. I’m on my second vodka with coke drink when my phone buzzes.

Paula E.

Check Karlie Kloss’ Twitter

17:12

I immediately go to the blue icon, typing her name in the search bar. The first thing that showed up in her profile was a tweet that read:

Hey @taylorswift13 love the @voguemagazine cover! Your kitchen or mine? :)

  17:08       01/17/2012 

I actually let out an excited squeal at that.  It looked like I had still had a chance of pursing a friendship with Karlie and she wasn’t mad at me for ignoring her. I’m not going to ruin it this time. I was just about to give a star to the tweet but thought better of it.

You

Do u think it would be a good idea to publicly acknowledge her tweet?

 Also get me her number asap

17:20

Paula E.

How long have you known this girl? If you do as much as favorite her tweet people will pick on it. I think its better have a relationship defined with her before you do anything public, keep it under wraps.

On it.

17:21

You

Kay you are right

17:22

Paula E.

 Just please tell me this isn’t one of your flings

17:22

 I got a little angry at that.  With all the bullshit going on with Dianna, the last thing on my mind was dating and besides I hadn’t even thought about Karlie that way since I first saw her.

You

None of your concerns.

17:22

Paula E.

I’m your publicist Taylor, it’s obviously my business.

17:23

You

Yeah you like to remind me that every two seconds

Me and Dianna just broke up and I’m not looking for a rebound.

17:23

Paula E.

You better don’t go back to that girl. She’s bad news.

17:23

I scowled, as if I don’t know that already. In the best days my publicist is bearable but now she’s just acting like a jerk. I don’t have the best relationship with Paula because of her acting petty and condescending with me more often than not. I get it’s her job to advise me, but she could do it in a kinder way.  I ignore her until she messages me Karlie’s number and I go to text the girl immediately.

You

I think I would prefer my kitchen.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist so it would be better for me if was in control.

17:45

Three dots appeared instantly.

K.K.

Oh so shes alive!

You know if you wanted my number you could have just asked me ;)

17:45

I feel guilt rise in my chest.

You

Yeah, sorry about that. I just got carried away with a lot of stuff

But I still want to know about those cookies

And I literally asked for your number you know

17:45

K.K

I felt like you forgot about me

But then you said you loved me

I guess I been on your mind lately ;)

And you didn’t ask it to me :( 

17:47

I snorted at Karlie’s attempts to flirt. Is she even sure that I’m gay? Is she even into girls? Okay she pings a lot, but I’m not sure. I make a mental note to ask Lily about it later. Before I can reply Karlie sends me another text.

K.K.

Where do u live

17:49

You

Nashville

Actually, Lily lives in the same condo as me

You?

And I didn’t ask you because I have not seen you duh

17:49

K.K.

Omg been there before

And nyc

The city that never sleeps

And I would had been glad to give it to you in the met gala you know :)

17:49

You

Great you know the place

I live in the top floor

I can have you flied to Nashville

And I didn’t ask your number In the MG because you were all over me bragging about your cookies

17:50

K.K.

Offering to pay for my plane tickets? That’s more that I bargained when I tweeted that

And I was totally not

17:50

You

I mean. On my private jet

And whatever you say

17:50

Karlie didn’t reply till a few minutes later. I was worried that I made it sound like I was showing off.

K.K

You have a private jet o:

Damn I totally choose the wrong career im stuck on commercial flights

17:56

You

Well that’s what happens when you have an album sell one million copies on its first week  ;)

17:56

Okay I was totally showing off at this point, but I couldn’t stop.

K.K

Congratulations

 And That’s hot

17:56

I chuckled at Karlie still trying to flirt.

You

Thank you

And I wouldn’t call it hot but im flattered

Also im sure your career choice is fine

It fits you

17:56

K.K

U r kiddin me ? U are toally beating those 40 yo old White men that used to rule country

A young girl doing as good in country like you? Never seen before. You changed the game

17:56

I actually blushed a little at Karlie’s praise and I hated myself for it.

K.K

And yeah I do recall you calling me gorgeous

17:57

You

Well, you are

When are u free?

17:57

I kept texting Karlie, finding easy to enable conversation with the girl and after we both checked our schedules we settled in February 20.

K.K

Have to go

It was nice talking to you

6:45

You

Bye

I can say the same

6:45

I was just about to put my phone away when another message arrived.

K.K

Not to sound clingy but Please don’t disappear again

6:46

The guilt came back.

You

I will try

6:46

There was no reply after that.

Bake Date

February 20^th   2012

Fortunately, I didn’t forget about Karlie this time. I flew her to my Nashville house as I promised, and nobody knew because a) paps only show in my hangar if my team calls them b) Contrary to the popular belief, paparazzi shows most of the time when an artist calls them, like they can’t be anywhere just waiting to catch a sight of a celeb. Or sometimes you don’t even have to call them just go to a very public place or something like that and they will show up.

But I had no reasons to call the paps this time, and I didn’t want a headline about us, so I didn’t.

The receiver buzzes, and I click the button.

“Yes?”

“Miss Swift, Miss Kloss is here to see you”

“‘kay. Thank you, Harvin. Send her up”

“Right away”

A few minutes later the bell rings. I’m practically behind the door waiting for Karlie, so I open it right away.

Karlie obviously wasn’t expecting me to open it so quickly because her expression is of pure surprise.

“Hi,” I say. I’m not sure how to greet her, we are past handshakes, but we aren’t in hugs yet, so I settle with a kiss to her check. Karlie wasn’t also expecting that since her face flushed and answered with a chocked ‘hello’ “Come in.”

I take Karlie by the hand and led her to the kitchen. Once we get there I smile at her, dropping her hand, while Karlie watches curiously.

“How was your fly?” I ask trying to break the awkwardness between us.

Karlie smiled and turned her head to look at me.

“It was cozy. I feel impourtanth”

I can’t help the laugh I let out at that and with that our awkwardness is gone.

“There are you doing it again.”

Karlie throws me a dirty look. I ignore her.

“Impourtanth. “I try to make the sound of her voice. “This is very impourtanth Taylor. The impourtance of this…”

Karlie cuts me off stepping beside me and giving a swat to my arm. “You are a very bad imitator. I’m twenty Taylor, I would know if I’m not able to pronounce a word but  I’m going to remember not to say that word in front of you because your mockery is pretty cringy”

I act as if I’m offended by her words.

“Okay miss impoURtantH” I remark, trying to make a point to Karlie. She only watches me amusedly and I cant’t believe that she really thinks that she is saying it right.  “I’m gonna drop it now but this is not the last time that you will her of my ´pretty bad mockery’.  So, you gonna teach me the secret formula? “

“Oh yeah.” Karlie’s face lit up with excitement. “Do you think you have all the ingredients?”

“Hey, I’m a bake expert and If I don’t I can send someone for it”

“Okay we are gonna need...” Karlie started to say while I putted the things that I already had on the counter. In the end we were missing three ingredients, so I sent Greg ―my security guard―for it.

I helped her do her famous Karlie’s Kookies and after an hour of teasing and snarky remarks I found myself really enjoying Karlie’s presence. She was always at ease and the way she moved, so relaxed. She seemed so cool and it made my heart swell with hate because I wished to be like that, but I knew that in a life like mine that wasn’t going to happen. I’m always gonna be worried about something so I could never be as carefree as Karlie. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to be.

“What are you thinking?” Karlie says as we wait for the cookies in the oven to be ready, sitting on my couch. “You zoomed out”

Of course, I couldn’t tell her what I was actually thinking so I lied easily.

“Do you think we look alike?”

Karlie blinks. She wasn’t expecting that.  Then she recovers, her lips forming a lazy smirk.

“Well, I would say no. But we are both American white girls and white people all look like siblings, so yes”

I laugh at that. Yeah, I like this girl. I was just about to reply when the ding of the oven let us know that the cookies are ready. I approach it quickly, put on oven mitts and pull out the recipient and into the counter. Karlie says that we need to let them cool off for twenty minutes, so we do small talk. Karlie tells me all about her modeling career, how was she discovered and that she had a thing for coding. I call her nerd after that and she stucks her tong out at me.

“So, it’s time for the verdict,” I say after my phone buzzes with the timer I set up.

“You are gonna like them.” Karlie says cockily.

I just throw her an arched brow and I take one cookie. I make sure of taking the first bite as dramatic and slow as ever just to piss her off.  It works when she grunts, “Just get over it,” so to make her angrier I keep chewing pretty slow.

“So?”

I smile. “I think we are bake mates officially now”

Karlie beams at that, and then she gives me a smug smile.

“I told you so. Now bake mates? Ask me to dinner first.”

I  gasp when I realize that Karlie is flirting. I know she means it in a harmless way, but I’m not comfortable with that. Karlie starts to apologize but I cut her off.

“I mean...I... I’m... I’m in a relationship Karlie.” I wanted to say girlfriend, but I knew that isn’t gonna happen until I make Karlie sign an NDA. It sounds lame but if I want to keep a secret that is the best way. Well okay, I’m not in a relationship right now, but I know I’m only fooling myself for now because sooner or later I would be back with Dianna and I don’t want to throw Karlie in the middle of that. It wouldn’t be fair.

Her face shows disappointment and she lets out a little “Oh.” and suddenly the air between us is pretty awkward, so I clear my throat trying to dissipate it.

“I think I’m gonna take you on the dinner offer. It’s my time of showing off now”

Karlie rolls her eyes and watches me amusedly. “Like if you picking me up in a private jet wasn’t enough bragging?” I start to protest but she keeps going, “Are you a good cock?”

“As good as you are a baker.”   

She nods. “Then I’m sold.”

“I’m vegetarian by the way,” Karlie looks at me nervously when we are back in the kitchen. I shrug.

“I have a lot of vegetarian friends. In fact, I make this really good Indian roasted cauliflower. I think you will like it.”

She scrunchs her nose, unimpressed. “I have had it before. Not my favorite.”

I don’t even blink. “But you will like mine. I roast the cauliflower in olive oil and add a yoghurt sauce with spices and pine nuts.”

Karlie doesn’t seem convinced, so I try again. “I’ll even do the dishes.”

She scratchs her check considering it. “This time and forever.”

“Excuse me?”

“If you want me to taste that horrible thing again, then every time we bake or cook you’ll do the dishes. “

“Okay, deal.” I don’t think much of it, I just really want to make that dish. “I’m gonna change you mind about Indian cauliflower.”

“I doubt it.”

I snorted. She was going to be proven so wrong.

I put extra effort in the dish because I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to show off. I wanted to impress her.  Karlie helped me, and when she took a bite, making a delighted sound I felt the same way I did when my latest album broke records. It was pure satisfaction.

“So,” I inquire. I want to hear it.

“What?” Karlie plays dumb but she can’t hide her face of pleasure when she takes another bite. “Goddam it. Okay you win. Indian cauliflower is not so bad when is made by you”

“Not so bad?”

“I would hire you as my chef if I could.” Karlie takes another bite and I feel my ego skyrocketing. “God, this is so good. Now stop being smug and sit down,”

“I’m not being smug.” I say even if I totally am and sit down across her, nibbling at my own plate.

We talk about random things in the industry, exchanging funny stories, what friends we had in common and as Karlie laughs I decide I really like her, so I would do an effort to form and maintain a friendship. There’re so much people you meet here that is easy to forget them and you just remember them every three years when you bump awkwardly into each other. I don’t want to forget about Karlie. Soon it was late, and she and I have work to do tomorrow so I walk her to my door.

“My driver will take you to the airport.”

Karrie smiles sheepishly.

“That’s sweet but I like to take cabs.”

I make an offended sound.

“There’s no way I’m letting you go in a cab when my driver can take you.” I scoff.

“I already used your jet, I don’t want to overstep” Karlie looks at me shyly and I understand where she is coming from so I give her a side hug and a smile I hope it’s reassuring.

“Hey none of that. That’s the perks of being friends with me, just enjoy it.”

Karlie steps out of my embrace and arches a brow.

“I didn’t know we were friends”

“Would you like to?” I ask, and my voice maybe came out a bit more serious than I expected because Karlie face drops all playfulness and her expression becomes more tender.

“I would. A lot.” Then she gives me a loud kiss on the check. “I really have to go now.”

I nod a little dumbfounded by the sudden kiss, “My driver is waiting for you outside”

And now it’s my turn to kiss her check, more calmly thought, and I would be lying if I say I didn’t enjoy the light pink on her cheekbones.

“Hope to see you soon.” She waves.

“Me too.” I reply as she walks away and then I close the door.

VICTORIA’S SECRETS FASHION SHOW

NOVEMBER 12^th2013

Taylor.

We don’t see each other soon. And its not because I forget about her, it’s because she forgets about me. We try to text but it’s so awkward because we have only truly meet once so after a month there’s nothing to talk about, but I still try to make an effort, but Karlie’s replies are half assed and then she just stops replying.  It hurts a little but taking In consideration that I have ghosted her before I try to not blame her, she also must be very busy with work, and then I can’t do nothing about our failing friendship because a lot of things happens that let me with no time to dwell on her; I release my fourth album RED, one of my most personal works, Dianna’s reaction to it is something I will remember for the rest of my life, her face at the cheating nods, how she cried when she listened All Too Well because she knew it was over even thought we were still together. Simultaneously I go on a PR relationship with Harry Styles that ends up being a mess and lets my reputation shrinking, to explain better:

10 months earlier:

My contract with Harry has just ended and I’m so mad, I’m so fucking angry, this relationship was the last straw and it caused the opposite of what I wanted. I’m on my jet ranting to Claire, one of my best friends, about this fucking ass worst fauxmance ever.

“He’s a fucking idiot! Like I get that he’s only 18 and maybe he doesn’t really understand it right now, but that’s no excuse! “I’m yelling at this point because I’m so pissed “I was bearding at 18 too and I was better than him. I had to do all the damn heavy lift, he’s a bad actor, he didn’t even fucking try to make us look real! And im the BIG celeb here, his career is only taking it off and it depends of a bunch of 13-year-old girls, give it ten years and nobody will take his band seriously, they are just the pretty face of the moment. And I―argh I’m so mad, that asshole should have at least tried. I’m the one doing him a FAVOR, and besides I had to deal with his clingy ass fans that think that are gonna marry him and now I’m America’s whore! Its my reputation, the man eater! And you know what’s the worst part? It was HIS team who reached out for me, but that entitled idiot acted like if I was the one needing his attention, do me a favor! And dumbass Paula thought it was good idea to go with it, so now I’m dragged as his armcandy around central park in the most fake relationship ever and now my public image is destroyed! And this isn’t the first time, the thing with Connor Keneddy was a whole ass mess too! The maple coffe pics with Jake that everyone knew were fake! IM NEVER BEARDING AGAIN!

“Taylor, Taylor breathe. I’m so sorry sweetie and I know it sucks but why do you allow them to keep setting you up?” Claire voice is so relaxed, and it makes me see red.

“WHY? WHY!? Because we need the fucking publicity, that’s why! And instead of getting good publicity, now I look like a fucking slut!” My hands turn into fists. “I’m done! I am never doing this again! I am ready to quit this whole fucking thing!

Claire sighs.

“We know its not for publicity, at least not for your part. They have pushed you in three relationships in a span of two years, with all the attention you and Jake got I think it’s enough. We both know its for the other thing.”

I blink away tears because she’s right.

“They can’t know Claire. I’m just making sure.”

“Nobody knows Taylor. How many men do you need to date to assure your straight image?

“They can’t know” I repeat as a mantra. Claire sighs again.

“Okay. Call me when you get home? I’ll go give you a visit, I’m bringing wine.”

“You are the best Claire” I say with a small voice.

“I know. And Taylor?”

“If you ever go bearding again...Just try to date a straight guy this time, okay?”

That actually makes me laugh a little.

My relationship with Dianna is on and off and then goes wild, reaches peak crazy, she proposes and that’s when I realize that I have to really end things with her now and that destroyed me. Because I always knew since the start that it wasn’t going to work, that this could not last forever, that we were doomed, but actually doing it it’s a lot different. When she proposed it was all I ever wanted but not like that. So, I had to let her go, with a burning sensation in my chest as I made love to her for the very last time, and I spend the last months feeling like I couldn’t breathe but recovering bit by bit. I went to see my therapist more often and I had to take pills to sleep aside from my already prescript anxiety pills, my panic attacks were more frequent because the Dianna situation plus my public image being a disaster, so I started to smoke weed almost every day with Ed, ―I had smoke it before but only sporadically― even thought everything seemed like shit I was getting there. Good things that happened its that RED debuted with over one million copies ― I love my white republican rich fans― so maybe the relationship with Harry wasn’t a total waste of time. And it was a stronger contender for Grammys. After the breakup with Dianna I was already writing a lot of songs because that was my mechanism to cope, for my new album that didn’t have name yet. It needs to be ready for late 2014 and I don’t want to go in another faux relationship to promote it so I’m gonna milk the hell out of Harry after the hell he made me live.  And he is gonna get asked a lot about me, and he will be so cornered since he isn’t allowed to talk about me cause NDA and oh boy, I’m really gonna enjoy that. I’m probably gonna get asked about his flop ass too but I have years of practice on that type of questions and I have more control about my interviews than him.

So yeah, I was pretty busy, not forgetting all about Karlie, but the girl was more like a thought in the back of my head and I’m sure it was the same for her.  So, when the organizers of Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show asked me to perform ―and of course I said yes right away, me singing while women in lingerie flirt with me and is viewed as merely platonic, it’s a dyke’s dream come true everyone! ―it didn’t even cross my mind that Karlie could be there. I mean I knew she was a model, but I didn’t know she was a Victoria Secret’s model. So of course, she was there. And then my brain did short-circuit realizing that it would be Karlie in lingerie that would flirt with me viewed in a mere platonically way and Oh. My. God. I was doubting myself a little if I could make it without swooning too much with all these beautiful women, but now knowing that Karlie was one of these women and the fact that I was physically attracted to her wasn’t helping. Because yes, now without Dianna clouding my thoughts I could admit I feel a pull to this girl.

“Taylor!” Lily calls me. Today we are gonna rehearse and tomorrow we are gonna tape the show, and Lily is walking as well. She and Karlie are the only models I really know. I saw Karlie early when they were dressing her up, but she was too far way and didn’t notice me, so I didn’t stop to say hi.

Lily introduces me to a girl called Martha while we are waiting for the cat walk to be set up and she’s so nice, so I make easy small talk with her.  There a lot of models arounds us getting ready and a lot of people are screaming orders and it’s a chaos, so I feel grateful to have Martha as a distraction. We talk for a little while when I feel the back of my neck burning, I turn around, and there she is. Looking at me with her arms crossed, she doesn’t even blink when I caught her staring, and it all so overwhelming that I decide to wave. She takes that as a cue and walks to me. When she finally stands in front of me and I catch a better glimpse of her my breath itches in my throat because holy shit, she’s almost half naked, with a pink thong and pink bra and she’s wearing butterfly wings and she has a perfect toned stomach. She has abs for fuck’s sake!

“Hey,” she says, and I try my best to look her in the eye because I swear to God her abs are calling me to put my lips there. She looks like a fairy butterfly. Suddenly I feel overdressed and dumb in her presence with my UK themed dress, but at least I’m not wearing the stupid hat yet.

 “Hi.” It’s the only thing that comes out of my mouth.  Karlie fidgets with her hands, she looks kind of guilty and oh God this is so awkward. “You chopped off your hair,” I say the first thing that comes to my mind, anything to end this silence.

“Uhm, yes. I cut it last year in a shoot” Karlie rubs her neck shyly. She looks like she wants to say something, and she actually opens her mouth but nothing comes out so I decide to step in.

“Ohhh, I want to cut my hair.” And in a bold move I touch her hair. Karlie blushes a little and I feel more in my zone, flirting with girls, this I can do.  “It suits you. Karlie, if you see me in a few months with that haircut, know it's because of you.” I joke.

“Yeah? Well I’m honored.”

“You should be.” I wink.  “I haven’t had a bob since I was a kid.”

“I can’t wait for the headline.” Karlie snorts, and I start to feel more at ease. She opens her mouth to say something else, but a guy interrupts us.

“Taylor! You are going in five. First section; British Invasion”

I nod, and Karlie gives me an awkward smile. I touch her arm reassuring. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” She nods and walks away, and someone hands me the dumb hat. Okay here we go.

“Is there anything wrong with you two?” The director of the show eyes us curiously. “Some bad blood that I don’t know about?”

“No.” Me and Karlie reply at the same time.

“Hmmmm,” He looks thoughtful. “Taylor, you are a professional performer. And Karlie this is your third time doing this show. So can you both explain me why when it’s your turn to interact on the catwalk you look so fucking awkward?”

I feel my heart drop to my stomach.  I turn to look at Karlie and she looks at me. The director clicks his tongue like he figures out what is our problem.

“Oh, I see. You were in a relationship”

“WHAT? NO!” I scream desperately and Karlie flinches.

The director rolls his eyes exasperated. I feel a shiver going down my back.

“Oh, for god’s sake Taylor, you are obviously not so straight.  Anyone that has been with you for more than five seconds would notice it.  You almost dropped your panties with all these models out there.” He points at Karlie accusatorially, “And you aren’t doing much better than her. You two are the gayest people I have ever met and for someone that works in the fashion industry, that’s saying a lot.”

I’m horrified, my body has gone very stiff. Karlie doesn’t look much better.

“A NDA...” I manage to blurt out with a small voice. He almost snorts.

“I will happily sign both of your NDAS later. But now the pressing matter is that you two are acting like school girls with a crush. So, I don’t care whatever you have going on now, but you better fix it by tomorrow. You are dismissed.”

Karlie and I leave his office. We have both changed into more comfortable clothes since the show finished an hour ago. I was about to leave when I got shoved in the director office with Karlie to solve our “chemistry” problem has he had so politely called it.

“He’s right.” Karlie’s voice takes me out of my thoughts.  I turn to look at her.

“Well you avoided me like the plague in the first section.” I say mockingly, and she winces. Good, it’s her fault.

“Well but I tried to dance with you in the last section, but you were having none of it” I don’t reply because she’s right. And the director is right too.

“We need to fix this.” I sigh. She nods. “Have dinner with me?” I ask. When Karlie just keeps staring at me with surprise I add: “To shake off the awkwardness.? We do have some things that we need to catch up”

Karlie smiles. Her smile is pretty, I like it.

“Yes of course. That’s a good idea”

We end up going to a hush hush bar that I know for a fact that won’t say anything about us since I have been here before. New York is a city I frequent a lot.

We sit in the farthest booth, so no one can see us. The waitress doesn’t even blink when she sees us, and we order our food and wine. We are both pretty hungry, so we don’t say really much until our plates are clean.

“Look, Taylor,” I look at Karlie expectantly, hoping that she would say what I was expecting her to say.  “I’m really sorry that we lost touch and this time it’s all my fault. I had a crazy year, shoot after shoot, fashion weeks, I got new deals and I swear I got more jobs on this year than in my whole career. Then when I finally got free time, I feel like our relationship was too strained to fix it. And I’m really sorry.”

“But do you still want to be friends with me?”

Her brow furrows. “Why wouldn’t I?”

I look at her directly in the eye very intentionally.

“I’m not unaware about what people say about me. And my reputation right now has never been worse, so you hanging out openly with me might not be for the best. I don’t think it will be good publicity for you, they will think you are just like me, they will call you names too, Karlie.  It’s not very smart to be associated with me in this moment and if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore, I’ll understand it. “

“What are you talking about?” I’m taken aback for how determinate she looks. “I won’t pass the chance of being your friend just because some tabloids are talking out of their asses. We both know it’s not true anyways. “

“It’s not only some tabloids, it’s the general perception of me―”

“I don’t care. I like you for being you, and I’m choosing you, the real you, not what people say about you. So trust me when I say I really want to be your friend.”

I search her face for any trace of doubt but I only find open honesty. Karlie is not a nobody, she has been a model almost the same time I have been a singer, she does have things to lose, her image can be damaged, and it’s overwhelming how eager she is to put all that aside and just take a leap of faith.

I let out a big breath.

“I’m very grateful you want to be my friend despite everything. And I accept your apologies Karlie. Hell, I know better than anyone how crazy it can get, but I’m gonna be very clear with you. I want to be your friend, not some casual acquaintance you see every few years, I’m not up for that with you. I really like you and I want to become friends. So, you have to promise me that you are gonna try your best to make this friendship work okay?

Karlie observes me very quietly.

“Only if you promise you’ll do it too.”

I give her a small smile. “I promise”

She hands me her pinky and I want to snort because its dumb but it’s also cute. We enlace our pinkies together like if we were twelve.

Things feel easier now that we knocked off the elephant in the room. But there’s still some weird vibe in the air and it grows more when we flirt, even if it’s just joking. I’m pretty sure it’s sexual tension but I don’t want to dwell on it.

“So, what do you think about the show?” Karlie inquires, after we have talked for a while.

“It really looks pretty dreamy. And everyone is so nice. The ones I have talked to the most are Cara, Martha, Behati and Toni.”  I don’t miss the way Karlie´s eyes widen slightly at the mention of Toni. “And you, of course.”

“The girls are very supportive, I appreciate that a lot. When I first become an Angel they made me feel like home. It’s great. Cara is kinda crazy but she’s likeable, Martha is the epitome of nice, Behati is pretty funny, and Toni―” Karlie drags out her name, like she doesn’t want to say it, and there is something in there, I know it has to be. “Toni is very charming.” She finishes, finding her glass of wine pretty interesting suddenly.

“Yeah she is.” I decide to take a risk and ask her directly. “You two seemed pretty close back there. Are you guys dating?”

 Karlie finally looks at me, but her face is emotionless and it’s making me start doubting myself. If Toni is her girlfriend of course I would be jealous of her, she gets to kiss those abs. But honestly, I would prefer that answer over her not dating her, because Karlie being single would be worse since I wouldn’t know if she’s into girls, it doesn’t matter what the director or my gaydar said, I wanted to hear it from her lips.

“She’s an ex actually.” She replies shyly, and it takes everything on me to not throw myself at her and kiss her. It seems like there’s a God out there actually.

“Cool.” I reply but I can’t hide my big dumb smile.           

“What about you?”  I know Karlie is trying to play it nonchalantly, but I can see the interest burning in her eyes. I could play dumb, but I decide not to.

“Why do you think I mentioned a NDA to the director?

It’s Karlie’s turn to smile.

“I always knew It, you know.” Her dumb smile changes into a smug one” Lily wouldn’t tell me directly, she just confused me, giving me half-truths. I would hear whispers here and there. And then I met you and I still had my doubts but yeah today was a confirmation. It’s a wonder how you managed to not pass out on the catwalk.”

“I was not THAT obvious,” I scoff between gritted teeth. Why does everyone keep saying that? “and you are just much as obvious, you didn’t even make an effort to cover the fact that you were flirting with me”

“You weren’t complaining either.” She shrugs. Then she scrunches her face. “Ah, fuck, we have to sign a NDA now.”

“Let our teams handle it.” I´m uncharacteristically calm about sharing my biggest secret right now because Karlie being in the same situation gives me a sense of security that hundreds of contracts will never. “My manager will send you mine.”

“Mine will do the same.”

 I make a motion with my hands, calling for the waitress and when she comes I ask for the bill. I pay before Karlie can protest.  “My treat.” With that Karlie stands and I do the same. We walk out of the restaurant and get into my SUV.

“Where are we going Miss Swift?”

I realize that I have no idea. I’m staying on a rented house and I don’t know what Karlie’s address is.

“Where do you live?”

 “West Village.” Then she gives the address to the driver and the car takes off.

I’m telling Karlie about growing up as a horsegirl in wealthy Pennsylvania when she makes fun of me for not having a “fake country accent” anymore when I notice she stops replying.

“What?” I say turning to look at her and I catch her looking at my lips. And I would be lying if I say that I didn’t want to kiss her right now.  Karlie looks at my eyes and then at my lips again and yeah, I’m getting the message, so I lean in slowly, only closing my eyes when I see her do it too and I’m so close I can feel her breath against my face and―

“Miss Swift we are here.” Karlie and I separate so fast as if we were electrocuted when the driver speaks. Even if we didn’t kiss I can hear Karlie’s fast breathings and my heart feels like its galloping on my chest. Finding my voice, I thank her, and I turn to look at Karlie uncertainly.

“See you tomorrow?” Her voice is way too high. I can only nod.

“Okay, then.”

“Okay.” Is the only thing I manage to reply.

Karlie puts her hand on the handle and she’s about to open the door when she seems to think better of it. She leans forward, and she is so close that I can see with detail the tiny moles in her right cheek and oh god she’s going to kiss me, she’s going to fucking kiss me, but to my half disappointment and half relief she just leaves a quick peck in the corner of my mouth, mumbles a rushed bye and jumps off the car.

It has me blushing all the way home.

VICTORIA’S SECRETS FASHION SHOW

NOVEMBER 13^TH, 2013

Karlie

Today is the day the show is gonna get tapped and it’s more chaos than yesterday. I look like a butterfly for the first section; British Invasion, and my cape is so large a guy has to follow me around to carry it. But today its my day and I feel so in my element. I see Taylor getting ready too since she’s gonna open the show with Fall Out Boy and I’ll be walking with her in a few more minutes and I can’t help but grin at how much of a dork she looks in that dress. It even has a hat!

She catches me staring, and I smirk approaching her.

“You really took the British Invasion way too far huh?” 

“Says the butterfly with shiny abs.”

“So you think my abs are shiny?”

“Of course I do. They probably rubbed you with coconut butter.” There’s confidence in her voice but her neck is a light pink and I smile pleased.

“You are absolutely right.”

We both laugh, and I realize that while it’s not awkward anymore, it has shifted. Like we are now in the I-want-to-jump-your-bones-right-now phase.

“I’m actually very excited about this you know? Like this is my favorite part of the year, because this is the only show that we get to interact with performers and it’s more fun this way.” I move my hands a lot because I can’t still help feel a little shy around Taylor and gesturing with my hands makes me feel more comfortable. Taylor is fidgeting with her necklace too.   “Don’t get me wrong I love all the fashion weeks but the buzz that comes along with this is something that I enjoy a lot. Also, I think you look very cute”

The last words kinda of slip out of my mouth because I’m babbling, and Taylor fingers stop moving while she tilts her side slightly to the right in a flustered; “Thank you.”

Ugh, I so want to kiss her right now. Instead I force myself to keep talking.

“Yeah, yeah” More movement with my hands “and let’s hope we can get it right this time. Or then the director will have our heads.”

 Taylor chuckles, then asks, “Do you trust me?”

“Is this a trick question?”

“Jerk.” she shoves me playfully. Then her expression softens, and she gives me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I think we are going to kill it.”

We indeed did kill it. Just when I’m making my entrance, Taylor is the closer to me, so I grab her hand and she gives me a soft squeeze while we share a look and although it couldn’t be more than a second it felt intimate.  I keep walking, point to the crowd and blow them a kiss.

“Well, good evening New York City and welcome to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.” Taylor’s sultry voice reach my ears just when I’m on the center, hands on my hips, and I can’t help but smile wide at the sound of her.  “My name is Taylor,” gosh she’s such a dork.  Of course that everyone here knows that already. “this are my friends Patrick, Pete, Andy and Joe, and they are Fall Out Boy. And this are the two thousand thirteen Victoria Secrets Angels.” I pass Taylor when I’m about to leave, and she gives me a brief smile before keeping on singing, and I admire fascinated the rest of her performance from the screens backstage until my stylists come back to change me.

I don’t see her again ‘till the last section while we are getting ready. Her outfit is now a sparkly silver dress that goes above her knees with equal silver high heels, and holy shit, those legs. Taylor could very well pass as a model. She hasn’t noticed me staring, fixing her earpiece and feeling super confident today as it is my day, I decide to show off a little.  Joan is a few steps away from me, so I point to her and close the distance dancing to the rhythm of Miley Cyrus and French Montana’s ‘FU’, very aware that Taylor is watching, so I swing more my hips for emphasis, making my whole body vibrate and I can feel her eyes burning holes through the back of my head. Or my ass. She’s definitely checking me out and I can’t help but feel smug. Joan plays along with me but the stylists require her attention again, so I step back off a little and I turn around to find Behati, right beside Taylor.

“You are so sparkly!” Behati exclaims, touching my shoulder. I laugh and exclaim a muffled “thanks” and I turn into Joan’s direction, still doing a little dance, only to feel Taylor looking at my ass the moment I do it. Oh boy. I decide is enough and I turn to Taylor again, her trying to pretend she wasn’t checking me out with her hand still fuzzing on her earpiece.

“How amazing is this?” I point to the screen broadcasting the catwalk that is now adorned for the last segments; snow angels.

“What?” Taylor looks kinda of fazed.

“The catwalk.” I repeat pointing again at the screen.

“Oh yes, it looks nice” She does a gesture with her free hand. Then turns to check my bodysuit.  “I like it. Behati its right, it’s so sparkly, I love sparkly things. The little details,” she puts a hand on my shoulder, touching the things that are supposed to resemble ice. I try not to shiver, “are so pretty. You look gorgeous.”

 My heart does a little flip. “Yes, I like it too. And I could tell given how shiny your dress is.” She laughs at that. “We are kinda matching don’t ya think? Me with the sparkly bodysuit and you with the sparky dress.”

Taylor nods. “Yes, we do a good match.” She winks and disappears into the catwalk, her performance about to start.

 The runaway floor is sparkly too, and they are throwing these little things in the air that resemble snow. When it’s my turn to hop into the runaway, just after Behati, I pat her ass when I pass her because well I have to get game, and I point at her and Taylor does the same, smiling at me, and our hands almost touch. God, how I love my job right now. I strike a pose and throw a look to the audience, doing what I do best and on my way back I do this cute little dance with her that Taylor plays along to. So much for chemistry, yeah. Even though I have to keep a serious face till I disappear backstage I have a big smile in my eyes and before I go I extend my arms, following the beat of I Knew You Were Trouble.

I only have to wait another two minutes until the performance is finished, and since it’s the last section, therefore the end of the show, we have to walk back in to the catwalk to celebrate the end, so I intertwine my hand with Behati and we walk together as the host says it’s over. When we get to the front again, we do dumb dances for a bit and then we walk back and congregate at the beginning of the runaway. Taylor is there again, and I find myself right behind her, admiring the view that it is her long legs. We keep dancing until the show is finally over and I walk a few steps, intending to go backstage but then I remember Taylor and I turn to look at her at the same time she does it too.  We lock gazes for a second before she’s stretching her arms, beaming, and closing the distance between us.

“We did it Karlie, we did it!” She hugs me tight, and there’s a big smile on my face. Taylor’s excitement could rival a kid’s. “That was SO much fun. I want to do it again!”

“Easy there tiger.” I back off and she lets me go. “You were amazing. This is the third time I have done this show and you have become my top one performer.”

Taylor beams more.

“Well you are my favorite Angel.” My heart does a little flip. Then she scrunches her nose. “Ow, fuck, don’t tell Lily that.”

I fake a gasp. “Did I just hear America’s sweetheart swear?”

“I’m not their sweetheart anymore. More like America’s slut.” She snorts bitterly and there’s so much more there to unwrap, and I know what she is talking about but I also don´t and I want to take back my words, ask her gently about it but before I can do any of that I’m ushered by the tech people to go backstage to take the final pic, while Taylor remains a little behind, entering backstage only a few seconds later than I did.

I end up next to Alessandra, Russel is about to take the pic and Taylor is standing close by when the models start screaming her name, wanting her to join us. Hell yes, I get too excited thinking that there will be a picture with me and Taylor on it, capturing this event. It’s going to be a nice reminder.

“Can I join?” Taylor asks surprised. Little does she know half of the Angles want to take her to bed. She’s looking at the photographer’s way, so I take the chance to sneak a glance her way. She looks stunning and if it weren’t for all the other people I would have pinned her to the wall already, kissing her until I couldn’t breathe, and for the way she was looking at me earlier I don’t think she will complain.  

“Come on Taylor. Yes. Who can say no to Taylor Swift?” Russel says exasperated and he’s very right, I wouldn’t say no to Taylor Swift either if she’d ask me to bend me over.

 They take the pic, Taylor only two persons away from me and I insist to Russel that I want copies delivered to my house. After the chaos is over I make Cara take a picture of Taylor and me. I want a photo of just us, so I let my hand linger slightly over her waist, the other on my hip and I smile big, while Taylor rests her hand against my lower back, her mouth doing a closed smile. Cara takes a few more pics and then we go to the after party to celebrate the finished show, because of course it has to be a party and it’s New York City anyways. There’s always a party going on.

VICTORIA’S SECRETS AFTER PARTY

November 13^th  2013

Taylor.

I can’t help but feel overdressed as I see what everyone is wearing, and I look down on myself for the third time that night to see my floral print dress and I feel like the high cut on my dress that closes around my neck is choking me. Mostly everyone is showing at least a bit of cleavage, some letting nothing to the imagination and I don’t know if to feel on heaven because boobs or like I don’t fit in since I’m too covered for the ambient. My dress even has long sleeves for fuck’s sake.

We are in a fancy restaurant/night club called Tao Downton and I sip on my Martini, mindful that I have to take a flight to London in a couple of more hours. I look to my left and Lily gives me a reassuring smile and I feel more at ease watching her dress that it also covers much of her body as well. The waitress places our food in front of me and I try not to think in the fact that Karlie is seated across me, Toni besides her, but it’s hard to focus on my Chutoro Tataki when their laughs can be heard even over the restaurant’s hustle. They are ...weird. If I hadn’t asked the girl about it I would still think they are a couple because they surely act as one, being all clingy on the pink carpet and I heard Toni call Karlie ´wifey´ a couple of times

And then there’s Karlie’s fucking dress.

I have tried so hard to not ogle Karlie all night because her dress has a cut just across her chest that lets me see a portion of each of her breasts and the fact that I had always had a soft spot for them it’s not helping calm the quick beating of my heart. Emily used to say that I was a boob girl, and damn, she wasn’t wrong if the twitch on my fingers every time I do as much as to sneak a glance in Karlie´s way is anything to go by. 

“So, you are really moving out of the condo? I’m gonna miss you.” It’s only when Lily calls me that I force myself to drag my eyes away of Karlie´s wonderful chest.

“Yes, I’m going to London right after this over.”

Lily pouts and I mirror her expression because it’s going to be hard living without the girl just a few feet away. I've got used to it. We talk for the next twenty minutes about that and then when we finish our food we go to the dance floor where ‘Dancing On My Own’  by Robyn plays through the speakers and I dance with her and other bunch of Angels for the better part of an hour, making sure to avoid Karlie as best as I can because I know if I go near her I won’t be able to look at her face and form a coherent thought when she has that dress on.

My plan is going just fine until I decide to go back to my now empty table, my feet demanding to sit down and I have just make it into the chair when I hear someone plop down beside me. 

And of course, it’s Karlie. Fucking shit.

“Isn’t it funny that we are seated on the same table and yet I have barely seen you all night?”

I force myself to chuckle.

“There’s a lot of people.” I don’t even turn and instead I focus my glance on my empty glass. Maybe she’ll just leave.

“Well, we are together now.” Karlie doesn’t seem to have any intentions on leaving so I sigh internally and very slowly I turn to face her. Look at her face not her chest, look at her face not her chest, I repeat like a mantra on my head but when I finally look at her, my eyes betray me, and they wander instantly to her breasts. I return them to her face as quickly but it’s too late already; even though the lights are dimed and her face reflects the shadows of the lights, her smug smile is hard to miss.

“That’s a nice dress” I say quickly, flushed by being caught, as if that would excuse why I was looking at her boobs.

“It is.” Karlie’s smug smile grows and my discomfort does too. “I like the attention it brings.”

“Everyone is wearing interesting dresses-”

That makes her laugh.

“Yeah, we agreed on letting our bras home for the afterparty,”

Well, that explains a lot.

“I like your dress too.”  Karlie reaches to my touch my covered arm.  “You look cute.”

“Mhmmm. Cute it isn’t how I intended to look in party full of models though.”

“Don’t be so grumpy.” She gives me a teasing swat on my arm. I notice that she’s giving me her full attention, her eyes focused on my face and I decide it’s a good moment to ask her what has been on my mind for the last two days. Who knows when I’ll see her again?

“Do you always do that?”

Her brow furrows. “Do what?”

“Back at the show, I saw you getting ready and right before you were to go into the catwalk I noticed that you were kissing some models.”

“Oh.” She’s back to smiling again. “I wouldn’t call it kissing. It’s just a peck, we do it for good luck.”

I’m fazed, I have been working in the industry for a couple of years and I have never heard about it.

 “Really?”

“Yeah, it’s a model thing.” I rarely feel regrets about my career’s choice, but this is one of the moments when I’m wishing I had picked the Fashion Industry instead.

“So do you always do it?”

“Most of the times, yes. It’s not only when we are working, with some friends It has become a habit. I give Cara pecks all the time.”

“So, do I get a peck?” The alcohol I have been drinking all night makes me bolder and I’m joking but Karlie seems to think otherwise. She pursues her lips, thoughtful.

“Mhm you are not a model.”

I put a hand on my heart faking offence.

“I thought I was one today.”

She smiles. “Well you can certainly blend in”

Her face leans closer to mine, and I’m suddenly hyper aware of her hand in my arm, her touch burning me.

"So do I get a peck?" I repeat. She doesn’t reply and and next thing I know is warm lips pressed against mine , her grip on my arm tightening and before I can form a coherent thought, she pulls away.

"That was fast." My body already aches for her warm.

Karlie giggles. "Pecks are supposed to be swift, Taylor." I cringe. " Please don’t ever make a pun like that again."

 "You just don’t have sense of humor"

"My sense of humor is just fine. And I think we should stick with kisses on the checks."

 I tell myself is because of the risk of getting caught by someone if we do this often, the last thing I need is a picture of me kissing a girl plastered everywhere, and while that is true I also decide to ignore the sensation that I wanted more of her lips.

 "Alright." She smiles innocently. A waitress comes to ask if we need anything and we order her more drinks. With the ease of alcohol, we fall into an easy conversation, consisting mostly of me doing bad jokes and Karlie giggling while the drinks just keep on flowing. Then Lily comes to our table and drags us to a group that is conformed by Cara, Toni, Martha and Behati and we talk some more. Then dance, then to talking again. It’s nearly 4AM when the party is officially over and I have broken my promise to myself to stay sober, since I can feel a little inebriated.

"Taylor are you drunk? " Lily asks when I won’t let go of her arm. People are filling out the restaurant and we are walking towards the exit, Karlie and the other girls behind us. "Just a little bit." I mumble, burring my face on her neck.

"Dumbass, it’s not good to be hungover while looking for a new home." I ignore her until we finally make it outside and we exchange our goodbyes with the other girls.

 "Don’t forget our pact Taylor " Karlie hugs me last, doubling over herself and God I can feel her bare breasts rubbing into mine, this is what heaven must feel like.

"I won’t" I reply, giving her a loud kiss on the check and I don’t let go until she pulls away. I watch her go with the other girls, my lipstick marked on her check.

“You okay?” Lily is watching me curiously.

My feet ache, my heart feels like is thudding on my ears, my eyes are glassy, I’m starting to get dizzy and yet there’s something so refreshing coursing through my veins, a renewed energy that makes me want to run a mile right now, makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, makes me want to write one hundred songs about things I don’t know yet. It’s the start of something new, of something beautiful. I smile.

“Never been better.”