Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There is a jar of spilled sugar on the floor.

It is my fault.

My sleeve was caught upon the lid,

And when I moved,

The jar moved,

And shattered near my feet.

I was unsure of what to do,

And then Lyon crouched next to the fragments,

Telling me not to feel ashamed

But to fetch a broom from the closet.

I fetched the broom,

And together we swept the mess away.

Chapter Text

My introduction to music

Was the wind blowing through the harp on the cliff.

My mother told me the wind was fickle

And that music was best played when given a soul.

I still struggled to understand

Long after I flew from the nest.

As fickle as the wind

And as foolish as I played my own stringed music

Fear ruling me.

Kiran introduced me to the piano.

I was skeptical at first,

But soon found myself lost in the sound.

There are complexities to melodies

That one can’t create with a lyre.

It’s a song sung by one,

Yet many voices are present.

A song is more beautiful with more voices.

Harmonies are added:

Some dissonant,

Some beautiful,

And I pour my life into the keys.

Chapter Text

Fifteen days

Fifteen days I've roamed these halls

Fifteen days my mind has been mostly my own

And I have to wonder at times why I lost it

How I could even think of losing it.

The why comes easily

But here in this quiet and clean kingdom

Where everyone truly has their own demons

My reasons seem ridiculous.

There are a few who understand.

One of the twins lifts his chin as he appraises me

But I can see who he is

What he is and is not willing to do

I never had such a sense of purpose.

I was willing to do anything

As long as it only brought harm to myself.

I was so desperate

I knew that I needed help

Yet I never asked

I never asked

I went through with my gravest mistake

Everything I was blurred

All of my ideals twisted

I wanted to protect my country

Death was coming

It came anyways.

So many more died because of my idiocy.

So many who were not involved

Fifteen days I have been here.

Fifteen days have passed since they took me from death's clutches.

Those I admired most

Those I betrayed along with myself

They are here now and I cannot face them.

Even if being alone led to my greatest mistakes

They do not deserve to have to put up with me.

I will not force them to.

Chapter Text

This place is strange beyond compare

But I have felt more at home here than anywhere else

Hubert stands at my right

As Reinhardt stands at Ishtar's

And for the first time I am comfortable

Taking orders from someone else.

Emperor of Flame they call him--

I told him my secret and he chuckled.

Bishop of Flame they call his firstborn

A kind man who stepped away from his god

Followed another because he carves his own path

But the flames of the future smolder in both his and his father's eyes.

Lady of the Forest, they call his half-sister

Dimitri lives on the other end of the castle,

Friends with Ares.

We talk at times.

I wonder if perhaps one day we would have shared the same bond

Had we not known

Had things not turned out the way that they had

I am glad that it was not that way--

Deirdre's heartbreak is clear in the Heir of Light's blue eyes.

His father is still not here.

Naga's Blood, Scion of Darkness

Julius is as dark as his sister

Which is to say,

Not at all.

It is so wonderful to have siblings again

I cannot help but wonder how things might have been

Had someone else survived the hurts

The torture we went through as children.

It is useless to dwell upon the past, I know.

The emperor agrees with me

As we look at both Jugdral and Fodlan

The future all in Askr fight for

I see them smiling

I see Kronya slithering in the dark

Among those hurting

Possessed

Broken

I wonder if things will continue as they must when I return

If they must continue that way

If I can break free

With how Arvis's story ends

I think...

I think there has to be another way

And he agrees.

Chapter Text

A fire burns within me

Shackles of pain and of fear

Contain all that I was.

Discipline and etiquette

Are no longer a cage,

They are my claws, my teeth.

I fear the rats.

It’s not even childish,

They are not frightening,

It’s the idea that I am one.

That my entire race is rats

While darkness and dragons

Do with us as they please.

I know the rats.

They sneak, scrape, escape.

They are clever, but not strong.

I refuse to be a rat.

When I break free of my shackles,

It will be because of my strength,

Not trickery.

A fire burns within me.

Chapter Text

The littlest gnaws at his fingertips.

Sometimes Frelia's prince will scold him,

The silent child swats the prince lightly,

The littlest shies away from the noise that comes.

His friend, gentle as a sunbeam, takes his hands.

No wounds need healing on those fingertips,

That soft little skin grows quickly.

The teenager scratches at his head, 

He tries to look proper around his friends,

All poise, softness, grace.

I wonder sometimes as I observe,

When humans decided that stillness was proper,

Instead of the constant movement of the living.

I remember gnawing at my fingertips and nails

I remember scraping dead skin from my scalp,

Running my fingers through my long lilac hair.

That hair grew loose

It grew tangled

It fell out

It grew back.

To be alive is to be in a constant flux

Of decay and rebirth.

To be completely still is death,

To be perfectly preserved is hollow.

The monster with my face smiles tightly,

My corpse showing rigor mortis clearly,

A fate I barely escaped.

I listen to my beating heart for a moment,

I then take my father's cold hand.

We walk together again,

His movements stiff, 

His gaze blank,

And for the hundredth, thousandth, millionth time,

I vow never to forget it is a miracle to simply be alive.

Chapter Text

All I’ve known is the drums of war,

The clarion call of a better world in store.

Yet even when I behold the fighting cease,

I wonder if I’ll ever know a land of peace.

Oh, I may not always have a weapon in hand.

I may not be the one spilling blood onto the land,

But I know of the violence in people’s hearts,

Their cunning words, and secret arts.

I know that inside of people, a beast screams,

I know that pride and greed fill their dreams,

I know this is the reason so many have burned,

And evil stood on heights they thought they had earned.

I wonder if I am any different than those evils are,

As I wind bandages around more than one scar.

Until the day my body gives my soul release,

I doubt I’ll know a land of peace.

Chapter Text

Footprints mar the sand, holes within pale dust,

each one is filled with a memory of life.

I hover above these echoes

and consider what each of them might represent

to all of those wandering souls that left them behind

as if they were fleeing from some great terror

that a mere observer can only imagine.

Some dark prints are deep and some are not

but all speak of a frantic mind flying away

from things that only they understand the fear of.

There are only their footprints in the sand

with no true evidence of a great beast’s pursuit.

But I know why they run because I am the keeper

of what is unseen and terrible but is truth.

Chapter Text

A vase is one of the prettier inventions of humanity. A fragile, empty container of any shape. It is unable to choose its own purpose, but it always has an owner or master that chooses that purpose for them. The vase can be a decoration, forever empty, only to be looked upon for its beauty. It can hold flowers and accentuate their beauty. It can store liquids for a time. When it falls and shatters, it can be swept up and thrown away. It can, however, also be picked up and pieced back together, the cracks lovingly sealed together with gold. Once broken, now whole again, and no longer as empty: art in the way of both sight and sentimentality.

            I stare at the gold lines in my palms and know that if it had been you who saw me shatter, you would have simply tossed my pieces away.

Chapter Text

I look back at my life while time swirls in

Colors uncountable.

I am grateful at least that

They are colors. Not my shadow screaming for my soul.

I look at the few memories I’ve made,

And chuckle at how fragile they are

Yet so incredibly precious

And to forget them,

Would only take away my sight.

I look back at my life in triumph.

What I’ve lost I find

What I find I can use

What I use I can feel

What I feel drags me out of darkness.

Spring comes back, and with it so do I,

Confused, numb, but I’m awake.

Above me stand my first two friends,

And one reaches down to me

To invite me to move forward once again.

Chapter Text

Why did I not think to leave my cage?

Didn’t I have the feet to run with,

hands to clench around a sword;

didn’t I have the eyes to see the sky,

my hair to catch and be tossed by the wind,

a heart that burned with desire for freedom?

But then why did I wait to leave my cage?

Why did I listen to those who trapped me,

only step where they allowed?

Subdue my heart’s cries?

Why would I be so compelled

to stay stagnant here when I want to be as a rushing river?

Now that I have left my cage

I have seen the sky and earth,

now that I have left

                        I have come to know the moon, sun, rivers and seas.

Now that I have left, knowledge, friends and family,

now that I have left my cage

                        there is love, because I am among others there is love, love, love-

Leaving my cage, I now know who I am and who I can help.

I am the rushing river of my own fate

                        And I will never be stagnant again.

Chapter Text

My fingers curl up and shiver

in winter

that exists only in

the deepest cracks in my bones.

The bones are

entrenched in a frozen swamp.

They know nothing of sky’s sunlight,

of the brightness of blue skies,

of the light shining in humanity’s eyes,

of the light captive in hearts,

of the hearts changed by light,

but they know how light wavers.

For the swamp is poison

(whether it is frozen or dripping).

With malice

the swamp hisses and cracks inside,

determined to snuff out all light.

It bids me to remain still

to decay slowly inside,

broken

by fading light, crumbling marrow.

It bids me to remain still

and watch stars be snuffed

ice darkness hissing throughout me

and out through me into stone foundations

to try and force my home’s cracking.

Precisely when did this frozen swamp

appear around my bones?

Was it inside, or outside,

and does it matter?

To know

when I learned to hold

so still?

Chapter Text

A night where all cadences become one.

These nights are moments that I can truly hear.

Silence reigns until I hear a hawk’s cry,

and the stars above me shimmer simply because they can.

Silence is rarely frozen in time, but no

moment can ever be frozen forever. My

thoughts are suddenly racing and blending. My

kingdom is one

of ocean waves and knowledge, but no

man wishes to be confined to his wave nor to hear

what others can offer, what they can-

I want to cry.

All I needed was to cry.

The wave has passed, my

mind is stable for now. Can

you hold my talon? Just one?

You ask if I can hear.

The answer is not yet no.

The answer is no!

No matter how you scream and cry,

I will not hear!

You continue to take and take my

knowledge, my power, my kingdom is all one

wave of greed and anguish because they can-

Can I forgive? I swear to you I can.

Can I be forgiven? “No,”

they’re answering as one.

I’ve made them all cry,

destroying the ground, my

ground, because sometimes I just cannot hear.

No one will ever hear!

If I can’t breathe, no one can!

All answers are henceforth “no!”

Unless you bend to my

will with no more cry

to the contrary, it must all be one.

I hear no more whispers; my kingdom is gone.

I am alone. I can only cry,

until my voice becomes one with silence.

Chapter Text

Our love is not this kitten fit perfectly in my hands,

Loudly mewling, squirming, soft and warm.

Our love is not the jasmine that blooms under the moon,

Sweeter than sugar, coy, and mysterious.

Our love is not the sun,

Hot, blinding, and bringing light to all its warmth touches.

Our love is a rose,

With a smell akin to velvet

And tiny thorns that hook and tear

That we cannot help but grow.

Our love is a swan,

Quiet, strong, and fierce,

With a grace that barely leaves a trace

In the waters that it glides through.

I stare up at the stars,

Cold, distant, and glittering,

But I find in them my deepest comfort-

And I find their same light twinkling in your eyes.

Chapter Text

On my back

staring at the high ceiling,

I could hear the crows cawing

in the back of my mind as a grave warning

I didn’t understand,

I lay until the very moment dark came

crashing over me,

sudden swallowing

in light so bright its dark,

devouring air,

and the cinders in the smoke

scraping,

and corroding my skin-

and I once again snap awake

choking on fear

of suffocating.

But I didn’t.

My sweat burns, air shakes,

the ceiling is above, slowly becoming more clear

as the thunder of my heart

and the shivering slows,

and, in the end,

I am once again left lying here

refusing to suffocate

and closing my eyes to call a wave,

that is less painful.

The water, cool and calm and quiet,

takes the burning with a slow whisper

and retreats

with the slow steady breath I give the air,

and the crows, in their ceaseless threat to my peace,

stretch out their soft ashen fingers, and flutter away,

and I, in my weakness, to steady myself,

I reach out,

stretching out my five fingers wide against-

white lightning

and bloodied trumpets

calling for burning sparks-

for hours I lay on the carpet washing out memories

of fire.

Chapter Text

Dragons are pure ideas given choices.

*

There was once a human kept captive in a pit, and a dragon of earth and war happened upon him. They conversed, and the dragon freed him. The human stayed with the dragon for the rest of his life, and together they brought the world the fear of war.

*

Some dragons give up scales and power for vulnerability and freedom.

*

In ancient days, people would come out in hailstorms to watch dragons of wind and ice race each other through the clouds.

*

When people give offerings to the idea that the dragon represents, the dragon loses many choices as its power grows.

*

When enough dragons embody a broad idea, they become a tribe with smaller ideas among them.

*

When stars fell from the sky and crashed into the earth, several different types of dragons came together and stopped the fires from spreading, protecting all other creatures that were smaller than them even though they did not have to. They banded together and accepted the broad idea of divinity that the humans gave them in gratitude.

*

When a dragon becomes only an idea, that dragon becomes pure power and madness.

*

A leader among humans can be called a dragon.

Chapter Text

Our love is not a rose,

Full of velvet and thorns.

It is a sunflower,

Bright, tall and beautiful

With thick skin that feels rough to an outsider

And a sharp, invigorating scent.

Our love is not the moon,

Quiet and subdued in the darkened sky.

It is the daytime sky,

Open, warm, and lively.

The entire endless expanse is ours

When we twirl underneath it in a dance.

Our love is not a swan,

Elegant and cold as her reflection in the lake.

It is this kitten

Fit perfectly betwixt our hands,

Loudly mewling, squirming, soft and warm.

In your eyes I see the green fields of home.

Your hair is the orange blaze of fire,

Your white dress the wispy clouds

That try to hold back the precious radiance

Of the sun that is your soul.

Chapter Text

He has brown eyes
She has green eyes
He weeps over the fallen
She holds her head high, curses the sky
He is mercy
She is fury
They rail against fate.

He has blond hair
She has black hair
He hesitates and whispers
She charges ahead and roars
He seeks peace
She seeks justice
They rail against authority.

He held me gently
She smiled like a child 
They assured me of success
He’s dead
She’s dead
They rail against power
As one.

They have hazel eyes
They have blond hair
There are black streaks in that hair
They shout
They do not weep
Until I hold them in my arms
They are dead

The serpents coil around and
Around and
              Around and
                            Slither through us
                                                        Scales
                                  Gold and cold
          Across our skin
And I 
Wonder
How long
Until everything scatters into
Dust.

Until my darling destined shatters with me

Chapter Text

It happened again.

Couldn’t keep it together more than

A hundred years—

A miracle is never empty, heroes’ blood

Still burns with needed power,

My right hand

Knows its blade,

Which holds all I am known for, righteous

Shining steel.

Look past the steel

O my people,

Do you know me?—

My hurt, my aching, the family I’ve lost?

I think your eyes

Are blinded by daylight on the crown.

Soon, soon I will

Watch daylight fade again and

hold thoughts alone

Being barely a man.

I am only nineteen.

And yet I know the times that I have died.

I hold a new mask in my hands.

How exhausting

To play a role until it cracks to pieces.

So many pieces of glass.

A well-meaning crowd

Crunches over shed wounds to see

Light refracting from my new glass face—

The spectacle of me.

Soldiers, mothers

Behold my hands

My sword.

I may be your new king,

But I hold the same pain from war as you.

My mother was taken before my first birthday.

I never knew her.

My father knew his time

had come and sent me far away from home.

I was three

And didn’t understand.

His friends told me stories of him

And pointed me towards the war he had waged.

Sacrifice

Is an art, and necessary.

I know the action far too well.

I shed myself though it is hell.

I shed myself and can’t feel real.

I know by now that it’s my call.

It’s far easier to do it alone.

It’s far easier for the sacrifice to only be mine.

It’s the necessary

Excruciating involvement

Of other people, people with hearts, with families

Who scream:

“How dare you!”

That shatters me.

There is a price

For every freedom won, there is a price

For the gain of one—

Another suffers.

And the price, the very large price

For the lives of thousands

And my sister

Was the lives of my brother and uncle.

So, so, my friends.

So, my foes.

Hold me in your hands,

Hold me in your hearts,

Without knowing me

For I am what I must be.

Nothing more to you.

I have sacrificed enough that I cannot stop.

Glass, glass—

Becomes sparkling dust,

My wounds glitter and bury war once again—

Ashes of my father,

Bones of my mother,

Hands of my brother.

I will not live forever,

When I am gone

When I am gone.

Out of the dirt

War may rise with red eyes

And demand sacrifice.

Chapter Text

I reached out first: but afterwards his hate

Outsoared my love, coiled round my neck

And drowned out all good in my intentions.

The first test of responsibility for me

Was failed most miserably.

You’ve seen me as I once was, my dear.

What I still could be.

You are very willing to forgive a man

Who reached out to power not his own.

The dragon within you frightens you, yes,

But its power is yours.

It is part of you whether you recognize it or not.

You’re frightened of responsibility, too.

Shattering families.

That is the way of things for us, I fear.

Our hands are inexperienced.

But together, with knowledge…

I could help you with my mistakes.

Don’t mistake my help as a bother to me.

I cannot heal if I am not trusted.

Chapter Text

By the time you remembered my mission

I would be rotting on the roots

Of the tree you sent me to kill.

I've watched versions of you from other timelines

Since coming to Askr to work

And am struck by the differences.

Your fathers laugh at different things.

Grandfather, Validar,

laughs at the thought of 

any soul ever changing fate.

Julius, Loptous, Earthblade,

laughs at the thought of

fate as you and I understood it.

Here I am

Digging myself into knowledge

Doing my work

But for what purpose?

Not for the summoner,

And certainly not for you.

Chapter Text

Oh! That's a smile, one quickly hidden,

Your lips are stiff but your eyes sparkle.

Amused, yet ashamed, feeling, and denying;

Why do you refuse this experience?

So cold and stubborn in your ancient mold,

Determined to be true to what you were made.

You wish to be a puppet who only serves a man

Who cannot care for you and never will.

You have choices despite your denial,

You have emotions despite your purpose,

You have interests despite claiming otherwise.

You can continue to deny in front of me,

But I want to say the truth out loud,

Because I enjoy seeing your smile.

Chapter Text

I gathered the white mist of night in my hands

And wrapped it around my shoulders as a shroud.

Then when sunlight touched me at dawn,

My shoulders held no cloud.

Wet from my folly I returned to your halls,

Knowing once more that light cannot be obscured:

Your Heroes smiled at me and my imperfection as I passed

As dawn's early sounds were heard.

Lugh and Raigh darted through the pillars,

Talking to all those that needed direction,

Sunlight circled Lugh’s hair like a halo while Raigh stood in shadow,

His bright eyes could not be hid by shadow's curtain.

Reyson greeted me, his white wings also damp from morning dew,

While Idunn’s hand wrapped around his elbow,

Three green eyes and one red filled with curiosity as I passed by,

Like me, two old yet young souls.

Oh, Alfonse, Alfonse, how have you stooped down to me?

How have you laughed and listened at my side,

Allowing a broken and beaten woman to flourish

In the revered halls where you reside?

I let the Heroes that you lead pass me by,

In pairs and alone, while I walked in the warming light.

The morning was early enough that I heard your tired sigh,

But your smile when you saw me was blindingly bright.