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Language:
English
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Published:
2019-05-11
Completed:
2023-05-27
Words:
643
Chapters:
2/2
Comments:
21
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397
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Bruce Wayne Has A Very Particular Set Of Skills

Summary:

Joker and Harley Quinn are having a slow day, they're bored, so they decide to mess around with Bruce Wayne.

But Bruce has a very particular set of skills, skills that make him a nightmare for people like Joker and Harley.

They make the disastrous decision to threaten him using his children as their bait, hoping to amass his fortune because that would be a tremendous joke.

They should've known better.

This will not end well for the Clown Prince of Crime and his Harley.

Bruce is an excellent and protective father, so you should never threaten his children.

 

(I almost feel terrible for Joker and Harley. But I actually don't!)

Notes:

I saw this as a prompt on Pinterest. Bruce Wayne/Batman giving the Joker a piece of his mind as if it's a scene from Taken, the movie. One of the movies, anyway!

I hear Mark Hamill in my head as the Joker's iconic voice actor and Kevin Conroy similarly as Bruce Wayne.

But feel free to imagine any versions you like, of course.

Who would you see in these roles?

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Boredom Breeds Bad Ideas

Summary:

"This will be an easy scheme," thought The Joker.

All he has to do is to claim to have taken all of Bruce Wayne's children, and demand his entire holdings in exchange for their safe return.

Easy fortune, right?

Chapter Text

The Joker and Harley were extremely bored one evening. Nothing good could ever come from this!

 

"Hey Harls, let's do something dangerous and fun today, I'm so bo-o-ored," Joker beseeched.

"Well, can we get something good from it, Puddin'?"

"Oh yes, most definitely, and it will be very profitable, we'll gain an entire empire, would that wet your whistle, Harley?"

"Oh baby, would it!  Which empire are ya talkin' 'bout, Mistah J?"

"How would you like being a partner, and owning half of Billionaire Bruce Wayne's holdings? He has enough moolah to keep us in cash for eons!" Joker grinned.

"But how are we gonna do that? His security is real tight." Harley worried, frowning.

"We poke and prod at him where he's most vulnerable, his children."

Harley happily squeals, clapping and twirling while Joker laughs.

"So, whaddaya gonna do first, Puddin'?" Harley asked.

"I'll call Mr. Bruce Wayne and tell him we have his children, and if he doesn't sign all of his holdings over to us, we'll simply kill them all."

"But how are we gonna kidnap all of them Wayne kids?"

"That's the genius part, Harls, we just make him think we did!"

"Oh, baby, I love you so much! You are just the best-est and the most smartest man in the whole world!" she boasted, then Harley gave Joker a big wet smooch.

"I'll use a voice filter, he'll never know what hit him! We'll be filthy rich!" Joker chuckled evilly.

 

---to be continued next chapter

Chapter 2: He's Got A Very Particular Set Of Skills - Oh No!

Summary:

Never mess with Bruce's family.

Never.

 

"Villains are generally a cowardly lot."
-- The Batman

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Bruce is driving home from a long and arduous day at work when his private cell rings.

It's from an unknown number, but that doesn't mean that it's spam, not in his world.

"Bruce Wayne speaking."

A voice disguised with an electronic voice modulator responded and said:

 "Mr. Wayne, we have your children. If you don't sign over all of your holdings..."

In an angry, gravelly voice Bruce cuts him off and replies,

"Listen to me, I'll say this once and once only,"

"I don't pay ransoms."

"I don't know who you are,"

"I don't know what you want,"

"I don't know where you're hiding,"

"But what I do have are a very particular set of skills."

"Skills I have acquired over a very long career,"

"Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you."

"If you let my children go now, that will be the end of it."

"I will not look for you."

"I will not pursue you."

"But if you don't,"

"I will seek you out,"

"I will find you,"

"And I will kill you."

 

Joker abruptly hangs up, he and Harley are visibly shaken.

"Oh my God, this is your worst idea evah, Puddin', he's gonna kill us both!" Harley shrieked.

"Omigod, he's scary, so scary!" Joker yelped, his eyes large with fear.

"Just give him his kids back, I'm shakin, Joker, I"m so scared!" Harley shivered, her arms hugging herself.

"But Harls, we don't even have his kids, remember, we were bluffing!" Joker explained, waving his arms around aimlessly.

"I think you're right, we're both gonna die, baby. He's gonna find us and moider us both!"

Harley found an enormous duffel bag and began stuffing in her clothes haphazardly, tossing in clothes by the fistful.

"We need to get the hell out of Gotham, pack up your shit, and let's get the fuck out of here!" she screamed, panicked.

Joker grabs some stacks of hundred dollar bills and stuffs them into Harley's already overflowing bag, and he drags it outside to the Jokermobile then tosses it in the back seat as Harley gets in, and hits the gas.

He's driving like the devil is following behind them both and drives them out of Gotham, perhaps forever.

As they speed away, some of their loose money is carried off into the wind.

 

Joker's loss is Gotham's gain.

 

Notes:

I've racked my brain but can't find anything to add to this. Perhaps I can do another Bruce Wayne story though.

Edit-- I've added a final paragraph to hopefully give this a more cohesive ending.

Notes:

So I had an idea inspired by one of those funny 'DC Bland Headcanons' that I love to read.

It was merely a paragraph long, and I simply added a bit of flavor to fill it out.

It was mild until the last part where Joker and Harley are panicked, realizing that Bruce is a BAMF. It turned dark fast.

I wasn't sure whether to play it off as serious or not.

What do you think, did I do it proper justice?

#Batdad
#BAMF-Bruce
#Dontmesswithmykids

Comments from you are always welcome.

Thanks so much to everyone for dropping by to read my tiny story. I'm so glad if you've enjoyed it.
😊😊😊