Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Barry had a feeling.

He was never really the bandmember to really speak or the one who wanted to be heard the most. He was comfortable letting Neil speak and just being there. He liked to chill, play his music, see the world. What else could he need? Though never being much of a speaker meant he could observe pretty well.

He’d be the first to notice things but that didn’t necessarily mean he’d point things out to others. For example, he’d seen it from miles away that Adam and Neil would have one big fight that would fuck it up for them all. He’d been right, hadn’t he been?

He had never told them of his hunch that it would happen. He didn’t feel the need to say ‘I told you so’ afterwards either. He’d kept it to himself. Why should he bother mingling in someone else’s business anyway? There were way too many people always getting their noses into places they didn’t belong.

Though Barry had observed a recent shift in dynamics. Matt had joined the band and it was a rocky road. Despite the fact Matt loved to be a part of the band, he’d gotten significantly quieter. Especially when people would ask him how it had been since he joined the band. Truth be told, it hadn’t been perfect.

Not the part where Matt worked with the band, no, that went amazing. The bad part was the reaction of certain fans. Matt had never felt so targeted in his life and it was wearing him thin. That wasn’t the shift Barry had noticed though.

The guitarist sat on a bench to take off his shoe to remove a rock that had been pestering him since they started walking. Brad turned away with a yawn, taking in the beautiful surroundings of the foreign place in the morning before they’d check into a hotel. Matt kept his shoulders drawn up, hands in his pockets, staring at nothing in particular. Neil spoke to him in a hushed voice, slightly leaning down to capture his gaze. Matt smiled at whatever he said and elbowed him before resting his head against his shoulder. It was just a small gesture but to Barry, it felt like he just witnessed something more, something intimate maybe.

He put his shoe back on and got up, Brad turning back at him. Neil and Matt had returned to their previous pose, standing apart like Barry had imagined it, but he hadn’t. He’d noticed them and now he would continue to observe what was going on.

***

Brad was clueless.

The bassist was more than happy to ask Matt to join the band, even happier to watch him grow closer and closer with Neil. One of his closest friends and his brother so close? Hell, yes, he liked it. He was living the dream!

Even if it cost him Adam, an idea he liked to push to the dark corners of his mind. Fuck him right now. Or… don’t fuck him anymore? Shit, he didn’t even know.

Point was, Brad was utterly clueless. He was always the one to look up last and wonder what joke he missed when the others seemed to laugh. Always the one to ask: “what’s going on?”

He hadn’t even noticed the way Neil and Matt grew closer. He’d been the complete opposite of Barry for that matter. He’d been happy, walking on air. Backstage, he found himself dropping on the couch in between Matt and Neil, completely ignoring how Matt hesitantly made room for him or how Neil clenched his jaw.

Brad couldn’t take a hint for shit.

When they’d arrived at the hotel after having played a show in Europe, Matt expectantly looked at Neil when Brad jumped in and put an arm around Matt. “We’re sharing a room, right?”

One could almost say Brad was consciously pulling his brother away from Neil, but nope, Brad was just that unknowing. In the end Brad had gotten his way and Matt shared a room with him. It was just one of many examples the bassist hadn’t known what the fuck he was interrupting.

“Man, it’s been ages since we shared a room”, Brad called when he entered the room.

Matt only hummed in response, dropping his bag on the bed to claim it. He began to unpack, listening to Brad’s ramble. “I don’t think we’ve shared a room since you joined, you know. You always went with Neil instead. I’m not saying I don’t like sharing with Barry but there’s a fuckton of beard hair in the shower drain whenever I do.”

Matt raised an eyebrow to himself. “I can understand that. He’s been saving that beard for years after all.”

“Yeah, I get sick of a beard after like a month or something.”

“Can you even grow one in a month?” Matt wondered.

“I can”, Brad protested. “I mean. I think I can.”

“I mean a beard”, the singer said. “Not the fungus you call a beard.”

The bassist pouted. “Jesus, who crapped in your cornflakes tonight?”

Matt pursed his lips. Yeah, I wonder who.

***

Neil couldn’t sleep. It was such a dark night. Barry was snoring so hard he probably chased away the stars to light the sky. He sighed, turning to look at his phone. It was probably a longshot because Matt never fucking looked at his phone, but he could try. The worst-case scenario was that Matt would only reply to his text two weeks later. Yeah, that happened a few times already.

Neil: Any luck sleeping over there?

Ah he was in luck. Matt had his phone with him and was still awake.

Matt: No, I’m still pissed Brad cockblocked me so hard.

Neil chuckled, smile melting off his face when he didn’t think he could wake Barry with it. He put a hand over his mouth.

Neil: I know. I think it’s kinda funny. Do you think he’s doing it on purpose?

Matt: No, that’s probably the worst part. If he’d do it on purpose, I’d get it but he’s just being a fucking idiot.

Neil didn’t notice the snoring had stopped until Barry sat upright and got up. The drummer frowned when the guitarist took his blanket and pillow. “What are you doing?”

“I’m trading with Matt.”

“What, why?” Neil asked.

Barry shook his head. “Come on. I saw the way his face dropped when Brad snatched him away from you. I’m not blind. Tell him not to wake Brad though.”

Neil grinned, texting Matt while Barry disappeared into the hallway and closing the door behind him. Not much later there was a knock.

“I wonder who’s there”, Neil loudly stated.

He could hear the black-haired man grumble from behind the door. “I will kick the door in if you don’t open it.”

The drummer shook his head and got up, suddenly very conscious of his lack of pjs but it wasn’t like Matt hadn’t seen him in shorts before. He opened the door, about ready to give a teasing remark but he didn’t have the time to when Matt pushed him inside with a fiery kiss, door falling closed behind them. He pushed Neil to sit on the bed without breaking their lips apart, straddling his hips and tilting the other’s chin to slip his tongue into the kiss. Neil placed his hands on the small of his back, humming at the pleasant surprise to go from being all alone with Barry to having Matt writhe in his lap. The younger had his arms wrapped around Neil and broke away with a small peck. “Thank God, Barry knew.”

“Tell me about it.”

***

Barry dropped his bag on top of Brad’s bed, startling the man out of his sleep. The bassist’s hair was sticking out to all sides as he sat up to squint through tired eyes. “Barry? Where’s Matt?”

“In Neil’s room. We traded.”

Brad rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, stretching with a loud yawn before he got up. “You traded? Why?”

“So he could spend the night with Neil”, the guitarist replied, continuing to pack his things. It was insane how Brad did not catch up on any of this. Barry noticed Matt’s face drop instantly when he couldn’t share the room with Neil. Obviously being a couple touring around and sharing spaces with the other bandmates, didn’t leave much space for them to spend some time alone. Hotels were the perfect opportunity for them to be alone and have some privacy for once.

“Matt spends plenty of nights with Neil”, Brad pouted, turning his back at Barry to look out the window at the view. “Why now?”

“Because we spent the past few weeks stuck in a bus.”

“So?”

Barry shook his head. “You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?!”

It was almost endearing how clueless he was.

“They’re dating. They’ve been keeping their distance for weeks because no one fucking likes it when a couple doesn’t keep it PG around others.”

Brad whipped his head around. “They’re what now?”

“Try to observe for once”, Barry grinned.

The bassist shrugged. “I think I’d rather be ignorant when it comes to that stuff.”

Chapter Text

Something was up and it wasn’t the fucking sky. Brad sensed it when Matt took the lead in one of the interviews. At first he thought Neil was offering him an opening to try and answer some questions. It wouldn’t have been the first time Neil shut the fuck up for one or two questions but that wasn’t the case this time.

Thirty minutes of questions and replies back and forth and Neil hadn’t said a single word except for his name at the start of the interview. For the rest of the half hour, he’d been staring at his feet, chewing the insides of his cheeks absent-mindedly. Even when Neil wouldn’t reply to a question, he’d always look at the person replying and jump in.

Not this time, even when a question was directed at him, he seemed to look up cluelessly and politely handle it. Anyone knowing Neil for one bit could see that it was more than suspicious. It was downright bothersome. Matt wasn’t the best at answering questions, found himself stammering quite often, Brad didn’t always feel like it and Barry? Well, when does Barry ever talk when he’s not spoken to, right?

Needless to say, they kinda needed the talkative Neil back. Brad wanted to ask what was up after the interview but as soon as the questions were over and they could leave, the drummer had vanished into thin air.

“Where’s Neil?” he asked, thinking Matt would know.

The singer shrugged.

“You don’t know where your own boyfriend is?” Brad scoffed before walking away with the shake of a head, not quite catching it when Matt muttered; “Ex-boyfriend.”

Because that was really what had been playing through Neil’s mind all interview. Before they arrived, he sat comfortably inside the bus with his arm around Matt’s shoulders, nose pressed into his hair. “I forgot who’s playing at the festival so I’m gonna have to go explore.”

“Or you could look at the huge ass poster with the names on it”, Barry offered.

“They don’t put the small names on there though”, Neil argued. He dropped his arm lower to Matt’s waist, pulling him in closer. The singer didn’t respond to the gesture, only staring forward and spacing out. Neil hadn’t noticed, not even when they got up to leave the bus. They had a while before the interview and took the time to explore and settle, each splitting up but Matt stuck with Neil, pulling him to the side. The blonde grinned, knowing how fickle Matt could be with his random needs for affection but the look on the younger’s face offered a sense of foreboding. Neil zoned out halfway through the first sentence but the message came across. It was all just a numb blur, something he wouldn’t remember. All he could recall, was asking for one more hug. Matt wrapped his arms around the older and sunk into his warm comfort, trembling as he did. “It’s not easy for me either, you know. I put a lot of thought into this.”

Neil swallowed hard, rubbing circles into Matt’s back, the way he would whenever Matt got upset. He wanted to tell Matt he’d be fine, lie to make him feel any better because his stupid head still wanted Matt to be happy, to feel better, even if it cost him his own happiness. He wanted to say it but his voice wasn’t working and he knew it would only come out as a pathetic whimper. As pathetic as the small sob that left Matt, but Neil wouldn’t follow. He promised himself he would appear strong, remain standing, even if he felt like exhaling would cause him to shatter into a million specks of dust. Afterall, boys don’t cry. He would do it all for Matt.

Though his stupid mind didn’t seem to realize what it meant. What the hell just happened. He’d do it for Matt to make the younger happy but what Matt asked of him, was to let him go. To never be with him again. The blonde finally gave that idea a thought during the interview, completely spacing out to let his train of thoughts roll around in the endless circle of pain he started to feel, increasing with each cycle. Hearing Matt reply to questions and pretend like everything was fine, drove him up the wall but he couldn’t show it. He was damn near the point of jumping out of his seat and smashing SOMETHING.

It didn’t matter what.

As soon as the interview ended, Neil disappeared to go back to the bus. He knew the others would like to walk around more so the blonde decided to retreat until this mad whirl of emotions would settle. It was a rock-solid plan! Until Brad followed him to the bus. “Hey, Neil!”

The drummer pretended he hadn’t heard him, heading inside and to the back, hoping Brad would just give up but the bassist didn’t. He entered with him. “Hey!”

“Hey”, Neil croaked.

“Why… What’s the rush to come back here?” the other asked.

The blonde shrugged. “What do you want, Brad?”

He didn’t have any patience left and the sudden thought of Brad being Matt’s brother, really ruffled his feathers. Brad was family of his Matt. HIS Matt that no longer wanted to be with him. He bit down so hard on his lip, he could taste blood.

“Snappy, okay. I figured something was up with you. You’re never quiet in an interview. What’s going on?” the bassist asked.

Neil raised an eyebrow. “Just-… Leave me alone. I’m not in the mood to feed your curiosity right now.”

Brad wanted to protest but Neil got up and pushed past him with an aggressive bump in the shoulder before vanishing into his claimed bunk, curtain drawn closed. The bassist blinked at the exchange but took it as a hint to fuck off, walking out to find the others again. Neil lay on his side, only now alone with his thoughts since Matt dumped him. As soon as his mind wandered there, he knocked his head into the bunk wall to undo it, groaning in pain. He could feel the ache in his throat kick in, the type that tells you you’re gonna cry but he wasn’t going to. No fucking way. Boys don’t cry. Guys like him don’t cry.

He felt his breathing speed up in a way that made him feel like he was holding back the force of a massive scream. Good thing they had a fucking show to play so he could just unleash that aggression onto his drums. Then he remembered playing a show meant he had to look at Matt all the time. He had to watch his beloved… stand there, knowing he was no longer his beloved. His eyes glazed over. He’d be fine. Seeing Matt wasn’t gonna kill him. He got out of the bunk, took a deep breath and stepped outside.

The show they played that night was a success. Neil drummed the soul of his body, leaving him sweaty and exhausted afterwards but everything was better than looking up to find Matt’s lips nearly touching the microphone as he sang. Sure, he still heard the singer but he drowned out the fact it was Matt. He was performing, that was all it was. It was one of the best shows they had played in a long time so they offered to go for a drink in one of the beer tents of the festival. Neil reluctantly agreed but only because he wanted to appear like the break with Matt didn’t do shit to hurt him. Barry and Brad probably didn’t even know they broke up… did they?

While waiting for a drink, Brad cocked his head at Neil while Barry and Matt were involved in a heated conversation regarding Matt’s audition to be the guitarist of Three Days Grace before Barry got the spot.

“I know”, the bassist said, nothing more.

Neil clenched his jaw. “Know what?”

“About Matt. I asked him”, Brad mused.

The drummer flinched at the mention but recovered quickly. “Good for you.”

“I know it hurts”, the other offered. “Or that you can’t understand how much it hurts right now because it’s not sinking in yet.”

Neil grabbed his cup when it arrived and chugged it in one go before smashing it down on the counter and turning to Brad. “You don’t know shit about how I feel. I’m good. I’m fucking awesome.”

He wasn’t.

After a few drinks he downed far too quickly, Neil’s pain was finally numbing. Though the numb feeling wasn’t the only thing being drunk brought along. He was angry as hell. The more he drank, the angrier he got. Brad told him a few times to cut it out and take it easy but Neil didn’t want to. He finally got up, ready to give Matt a piece of his mind and stumbling towards him.

Matt had a few drinks himself but he managed to stay sober for the most part. When the drummer tapped on his shoulder, he spun around. The smile on his face melted into a worry furrowing of eyebrows. “Oh Neil.”

The blonde mistook the worry for disappointment and it hit him so hard the anger got knocked out of his thoughts. “You used to be fucking happy to see me.”

Matt took his face into his hands, thumb caressing over his bearded cheek. “I know. It’s not fair.”

Neil bit the inside of his cheek again, holding back with everything he had left. No, fucking boys don’t cry. They get drunk and fight. They rage over the fact their beloved doesn’t love them anymore. They get under someone new to get over someone. They. Don’t. Cry.

Matt pressed his lips to his forehead and Neil brought his arms to wrap around the singer. “Like hell it’s not fair! I love you and then this shit happens. I-… I’m fucking lost.”

“I know”, the singer whispered. “But I’m not gone, you know. I’m still here with you and I’m still there for you. You’ll never be a bad ex I’d avoid.”

Neil shuddered, closing his eyes to enjoy the embrace for now when he pulled back to wipe his eyes on his sleeve.

“It’s okay to cry. I know I did when I realized we’d have to break up.”

The blonde gave a short, harsh chuckle. “I’m not crying. It’s fucking ninjas cutting onions.”

“No, it’s not”, Matt deadpanned.

“I’m just… I can’t stand the idea of you with someone else”, Neil’s voice went up a pitch and Matt shook his head. “You think I’m gonna go find me someone new right now? Crazy. I’m still pretty upset it didn’t work out with you. You were my fucking crush since you walked through the door when I was a kid, you asshole.”

The drummer couldn’t help but smile at that. “Good. Don’t forget me.”

“How could I when I’m always with you?” Matt asked.

He shrugged. “I love you, Matt.”

“I know”, the singer sighed. “You’ll get over me.”

Chapter Text

Warning; Smuuuuut

“Going to bed already?” Brad moaned, looking rather pitiful. For some reason he’d gotten into a fight with his girl before the camping trip and now he was persistent on drinking himself into his grave. Matt really didn’t feel like enabling him. Where did he even get the fucking alcohol? They were in the middle of nowhere. He really needed to learn to cope with arguments a better way than drinking. He didn’t even wanna tell what the argument was about so it was probably about going on the camping trip in the first place.

“No, to the sleeping bag”, Matt muttered.

“Pussyyy” Brad grumbled, hoping Matt would take the bait and return to the fire but Matt honestly didn’t give two flying shits. “Neil’s been asleep for two hours, Brad.”

“Fine”, Brad complained. “Go to bed.”

“Sleeping bag”, Matt corrected with a grin. “Don’t fall face first into a well and go to sleep at a decent hour, will you?”

Brad rolled his eyes. “Where am I supposed to find a well in this place anyway? We’re in the middle of a forest – wait, are there bears out here?”

“Trust me. When you’re drunk, you’ll find one where there is none – and no, there are no bears here… I hope”, Matt warned him before walking off to his tent. A light snore indicated Neil definitely didn’t wake because of them. Dude would sleep through a tornado. Matt pulled his shirt over his head, took his pants off to sleep in boxers and slipped into his sleeping bag, finding Neil starfishing the tent. Dude took up the entire space. On top of that, it was fucking hot outside and the sleeping bag really didn’t help so Matt resorted to zipping it open and turned his back to Neil after a few futile attempts of getting him to move the fuck over to his half of the tent. Stubborn, sleeping asshole.

Matt closed his eyes, letting it sink in just how tired he’d been when Neil finally shifted. He got the hint! Matt scooted back, immediately taking up the free space his friend left.

He grumbled to himself. Next time, he’d definitely call dibs on the single tent. Fuck Brad and his argument of “I’m older, I always win”. Asshole. That was the last thing he thought before he drifted off to sleep under the night sky at two am.

***

Matt rose from his slumber by the sensation of something poking into his behind, although he was pretty sure it must’ve been something else that woke him. He noticed Neil’s arm was firmly wrapped around his chest and his chin rested on top of Matt’s head. He was spooning him. Matt blinked confused, still groggy, when he noticed Neil moaned. THAT must’ve awoken him. God, it sent a shiver down his spine and into his groin. Oh God.

Matt glanced over his shoulder to look at the older but he was sound asleep, lips parted slightly, eyebrows furrowed. Matt shifted, grazing the thing poking him in the ass and Neil’s breath hitched. Matt bit down hard on his bottom lip, considering what to do next. Would be a shame if he took advantage of it, wouldn’t it be? He swept his tongue over his lips and shrugged; ah fuckme, whatever.

He arched his back to ground down hard on Neil’s groin. Neil groaned, a lot louder this time. Matt was growing hard quickly and palmed himself through his boxers. Neil lightly caressed down his abdomen, scaring Matt into immobility. Did he wake him!? He swallowed a lump in his throat, arousal clouding his mind but the fright was overwhelming. Neil lightly snored and Matt sighed relieved when he shifted in his sleep, lazily grazing his pelvis against Matt’s butt.

Matt swallowed a lump, sweat glistening on his skin in the night sky while he slipped his hand into his boxers and wrapped his hand around himself, already wet from anticipation. He jerked off, slow and hesitantly, biting back all noises with his other hand over his mouth. He closed his eyes, feeling a strange sense of shame and arousal while he listened to Neil and ground back on him to hear more. Those sounds were so fucking hot. Matt didn’t fucking care anymore when he neared his peak, vigorously stroking himself with a hard squeeze when Neil stilled his hand with his own. “Mmh, I had the best dream about you~”

Matt gasped, wanting to turn his head back but Neil said; “Face forward, Matt, you’ve had your fun. Let me have mine.”

Matt nearly whimpered at the sleepy growl in his voice when he said that. Neil kissed the back of his neck, biting and licking the skin while he took over the task of touching Matt with languid strokes. He pressed his thumb into the slit, squeezing the length hard. “Speaking of morning wood. Shit, you’ve got a good one on you.”

Matt groaned, bucked his hips, reached his hand back to return the favour. “mh – aahh – so do you. Been grinding it into me all night~”

Neil swatted the hand away; “Na’ah. You’ve been riding me. Such a tease.” he objected to grind further into Matt’s behind. Matt squirmed with a whine, bucking his hips into his hand. Neil licked his neck below his jaw while twisting his wrist, now picking up the pace. “I’m gonna make you come so fucking hard.”

He emphasized the ‘hard’ with a thrust of his hips and Matt shuddered. “Ngh – F-Fuck yes, please.”

His face immediately reddened when he realized he had nearly begged for release. He had never begged before, what the hell? He moved his head to the side to offer more skin for Neil to kiss and nip at. Matt arched his back, hips bucking more erratically. He came with a groan, trying to choke out a dirty comment but it was lost in a choked sound. He shook, slowly coming down his high.

Neil took his hand back when Matt turned over to shove his tongue down Neil’s throat and climbed on top of him, pinning him to the floor. Neil didn’t object, meeting the tongue with his own in a heated, rough mess of lips and tongue. Matt pressed Neil down on the sleeping bag to bite down his jaw and neck, leaving kisses in its wake. “You woke me up with that thing poking into my butt so you asked for it, you know.”

“I’m not complaining”, Neil bit back a moan, sinking his teeth into the back of his hand instead. Matt kissed and licked down his chest and abdomen to pull down his boxers and swallow him whole without a warning.

Neil hissed, cursing and twisting his fingers into Matt’s hair. “F-fucking give me heads up next – fu.. – time!”

Matt licked his way back up, letting go with a wet pop to grin and lick his lips before he lapped at the head like it was his new treat. He gripped the length with his hand and sucked his way down, hollowing his cheeks and swirling his tongue around the shaft. Neil panted, back arched and pressing Matt’s head down. Matt nearly choked but relaxed his throat to allow it. He knew Neil was close with the increasing attempted thrusts into his mouth. Matt bobbed his head, jerking off the rest of the length fast until Neil gripped the sheets and came in his throat. Matt hummed, swallowing the – honestly nasty – cum with a bit of effort. Damn, he was definitely gonna make Neil eat a fuckton of fruit to give it a better taste. He pulled away with the licking of his lips to smirk at Neil who clenched his jaw and pulled Matt up to kiss him a lot softer this time. “That was probably the best way I’ve been woken in a looong time.”

“Or ever”, Matt offered, nuzzling the other below his jaw. Neil rolled onto his side, arms wrapped firmly around Matt. “I’m just so fucking tired now~”, he yawned.

Matt reached back for his phone, lighting the screen to look at the time through squinted eyes. “Shit, it’s four in the fucking morning.”

Neil hummed, already half asleep. “More sleeep~”

Matt nested himself back into his arms and let the exhaustion take him over as well. By the time he woke next, it was light outside and Neil was still snoring. There were footsteps outside the tent when Brad yelled; “WAKE THE FUCK UP ALREADY ITS 10 AM.”

Both jumped into a sitting position, startled to fucking hell by that yell. Matt zipped open the tent and Brad peeked his head inside. “Ew, what’s that smell?”

Matt bit down hard onto his tongue to not blurt out “sweat and cum” and he could see Neil’s amused smile meant the same. “Matt probably farted.”

“Did not!”

Brad rolled his eyes, moving away from the tent. “Gross. Get up, I’ve got breakfast.”

Matt gave Neil a look. “So…”

Neil leaned in to kiss his cheek. “You really can wake me up like that again.”

“I will”, Matt smiled.

Chapter Text

There is a darkness in me.

Big brothers are a strange thing. When we’re young, we hate them because they sit on our face, they hurt us and they insult us, but we keep provoking them. We annoy them because it’s funny when they’re mad. They pick on you until you cry, but when it comes to a battle against a parent, a big brother will always be on your side. Once you’re older, a big brother is your partner in crime. You can always count on each other. It’s what happened to my brother and me. We were close, always hung out as adults and when he would tour with the band, we’d constantly text back and forth.

My big brother was my world. My example of how to lead a successful life, because he had it all. He had a successful career, a wife and kids. When he would leave for tour, I’d often meet with his wife to make sure she wasn’t feeling too alone with the kids. I would help them whenever I was home myself. She was such a pure soul and I’d known her for so long now that we were connected in a way.

I knew Brad inside out and he really had it all going for him. I held a strong fondness in my heart for him. When our parents slightly doubted his career choices, I stood strong to defend him and followed in his tracks with my own band. I would always be there for my big brother. Always.

There is a darkness in me.

Though Three Days Grace had been gone for a long time on tour, longer than usual. Neil would text me about how exhausting it was and sent me pictures of Barry sleeping just for shits in giggles. Brad didn’t send me anything. It was strange because I usually heard Brad all the time, yet now he would not even read my messages for days on an end and when he’d finally read it, he’d respond with an emoji. I shrugged it off, thinking it wasn’t that bad.

There is a darkness in me.

It was a cold winter afternoon, snow falling from the sky in buckets and I was home for once. So was Brad. The tour had ended a while ago. I was happy to have him home again, he’d been gone so much and I hadn’t heard from him in forever. I got myself some hot chocolate milk when my phone buzzed for an incoming call.

I glanced over at the device on the table, wondering who would call me now. I didn’t call people, ever. No one ever called me unless it was an emergency. I picked it up and blinked at the screen. It was my mother calling. I sure hoped nothing happened to anyone. I had no idea the phone call would shatter my world.

There is a darkness in me.

I dropped my cup of hot chocolate milk and it shattered into a million pieces, liquid splattering on the floor. My mother had broken into tears halfway through the conversation but I got the main message. It didn’t sink in, even after I’d put away my phone again. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what she told me, what happened. Why would Brad do this to his family?

I took a deep breath and sent out several text messages;

To: best sister-in-law ever

I just heard what’s going on. Are you okay?

To: Neil <3

Have you heard from Brad??

To: mom

Tell me this is a joke.

I didn’t dare contact Brad because this news seemed so unreal. I couldn’t bear to think about it being true. I wish this was all just a nightmare, I wish our home situation wasn’t changing so drastically.

But it was.

Best sister-in-law ever: I can’t believe it either. I trusted Brad with all my heart, even when he would tour and be away from home for such a long time but I must’ve trusted him too much. I’m still trying to fight for us but Brad has made up his mind. He’s leaving me.

There is a darkness in me.

I didn’t feel very much when the news hit. I guess I didn’t really know what to do with the information that my brother was leaving his wife after such a long long time of love out of nowhere. There had been no troubles between the two whatsoever. It was just such a shock. Why would he do this?

Mom: I wish it were a joke, Matt. Brad’s responses are very careless at the moment. Maybe you can talk some sense into him. Love you xx

I sighed, something I seemed to do a lot since I heard the news. I just couldn’t believe it. I wanted to talk to Brad but he hadn’t even told me yet what was going on so why should I assume he knows I know? He should just call me and tell me himself!

Neil <3: No? Why, what’s going on?

I ignored the message and called Brad instead. At the first attempt he didn’t pick up the phone, but I knew he had his phone near. One does not simply tell big news and throw their phone out the window like it’s nothing. He must know we’d want to blow up his phone once we knew.

I tried another time to reach him but to no avail. I texted him a simple “Can we meet?” and waited.

Bro: Sure, I can come over?

Me: Okay.

He didn’t specify when but I had a hard time thinking about it all right now. Who leaves his relationship with kids out of nowhere? Wasn’t there supposed to be some coupling counselling first? An attempt to gain back what they had lost maybe? I had no clue what was going on and it was driving me nuts.

On top of it all, I didn’t know Brad like this. I knew my big brother inside out, but I never saw anything like this coming. I wanted to talk to him, to tell him things would be fine, that I still supported him no matter what because that’s what brothers do.

There is a darkness in me.

Neil <3: What’s going ooooon???

Me: I’ll tell you later

Neil <3: aarrghhh okay…

I wanted to tell Neil but I also didn’t want to speak about it before I knew the full story so he’d have to wait just a little longer before I’d tell him what was going on.

It didn’t take very long for Brad to reach my house. It had me thinking he must’ve wanted to get out of his house since the woman he was leaving still lived there too. He offered me a cheery attitude when he walked in, something he would’ve given me if I hadn’t known the news.

I clenched my jaw. “Mom called me.”

Brad’s face instantly dropped. “Oh.”

“Yeah. You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

He looked away. “I’ve felt distant for a pretty long time now, not very hard with the amount of touring we do, but I felt like our connection was gone. And…”

“And?”

Brad shrugged. “I fell in love with Adam.”

I stared at him for a good few seconds. “You’re leaving your wife because you’re in love with Adam?”

He nodded. “Adam lost his girlfriend a while back and we just grew so close and-…”

“You’re the biggest fucking asshole I know”, I bit. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Brad seemed to become smaller and I took pride in it. “Do you have any idea what kind of a selfish bastard you are? Who the fuck are you? This is not the brother I grew up with. The brother I know, taught me that loyalty was everything, that love is what you have with your wife. I always aspired to be like your relationship and you’re telling me you’re trading your family – wife AND kids – for Adam because you grew close when he broke up with his gf? You’re absolutely mental. You know what people do when they grow too close with someone else but have a wife and kids? They shut out the person who’s causing trouble for their family. They don’t fucking embrace it.”

I didn’t know if my words were getting through to him at all because he had a careless look on his face, the same careless look since I told him our mother had called me.

There is a darkness in me.

“I can’t pretend I’m still happy and in love with her when I’m not, just because I wanna keep my family happy, Matt.”

I shook my head. “I get that but I just don’t get how you let it come this far! You should’ve put your family first! I thought I knew you. I thought you would fight for what you already have, but I was so wrong. I don’t get how you can drive a knife into our backs like this and not give a single flying fuck.”

Brad shrugged. “I don’t know what I can say.”

“You can tell me you’re gonna cut Adam out of your life to fix things with her. If you don’t, you’ll wake up one day realizing you threw away your wife and kids over a single guy with dubious morals.”

“Hey, don’t talk about Adam like that.”

“You know I’m right. I’ve always supported you, always defended you and told our mom that she was seeing ghosts when you became more distant. I gave you space! Is Adam worth more than your family?” I asked, wondering where the pain came from but I felt more betrayed than I had ever felt in my life. I wanted Brad to be sorry. I wanted him to realize the mistake he was making and tell us he was sorry for considering throwing away his beautiful real life dream for an unstable man.

No offence to Adam, I always liked him, but if Brad was gonna throw away everything for him, then all of the offence to Adam. He’s not worth the crumbling of my family. I cared so much about Brad’s wife. I seemed to care more than him.

Brad gave me a sharp look. “I’m not gonna change my mind. Once I’m free from her, I’m going with Adam. I still love the kids a lot and wanna be a good dad, but I’m in love with Adam.”

There is a darkness in me.

I didn’t know what I expected him to say but it wasn’t that. I hoped that maybe he would see just how much of an idiot he was for leaving her and his perfect happy family, but Brad was stubborn. I was pretty sure Adam was just his charity project for now. Brad had the tendency of wanting to help someone so bad that they were his world but once it was done, he would return to his normal state. I hoped that one day Brad would return to his wife and I begged for her to just forgive him and be a happy family again.

“If you’re going through with this, I never wanna see you again”, I told him.

Now that sent a hurt expression across his features for a second but his face told me he wasn’t changing his mind.

If what I thought, wasn’t true, then I had no idea who this guy standing in front of me was. This wasn’t the Brad I know, the Brad I grew up with. This wasn’t the Brad who hushed our parent when I told them I was dating Neil. This wasn’t the Brad who made faces at me when we were kids when I was afraid of something hiding under my bed. This was someone else’s brother. Not mine.

If he was really going through with this, my brother was dead to me.

There is a darkness in me because my brother has traded his family away for someone else.

Chapter Text

I wish my girlfriend was more like you…

It struck Neil out of nowhere and he was still as stunned by it as he had been the very first time he had heard it. He stopped dead in his tracks, as if he was trying to stop the noise surrounding him in order to hear it better. Although he knew it was stupid to do so. He’d hear it just as well every single time. It was inside his head after all.

I lose my mind with the way you move…

A smile tugged at his lips, grinning to himself like an idiot. Adam bumped his shoulder into him as he tried to get past him in the narrow hallway. He looked at Neil over his shoulder, throwing him a second glance when he spotted his expression. He raised an eyebrow. “What are you smiling about like a dork?”

Neil clenched his jaw, glaring him down to try and get the silence to return so he could continue to listen. Brad joined Adam’s side, leaning his elbow on his shoulder. “I think he’s hearing him again.”

“Who?” Barry asked, standing behind Neil now.

“My soulmate”, Neil replied. “He’s singing that song again.”

“The one you like so much?” Brad asked, continuing his path to the hotel elevator. The other bandmembers followed. Tonight they were playing another show somewhere in the US as a part of their North American tour. So far all shows had been absolute fire meeting incredible people everywhere they went. People told stories of how their music had helped them deal with their issues, how it helped them feel less lonely, how it gave them something to rock to when they weren’t in the mood for any of the soft music on the radio – not that anything’s wrong with that – but they’d gotten compliments and praises everywhere they went on how they managed to bring songs that were spot-on and somehow not an exact copy of the last record. It was refreshing to feel their positivity.

Neil hummed affirmatively. “It’s a good song. I feel like it fits us somehow.”

“How would you know? You haven’t met him yet”, Adam snorted. Brad elbowed him in the ribs, nodding at Neil. “Will you finally tell us what the song sounds like?”

Neil shook his head. “If I sing it, he’ll hear it.”

“Isn’t that the point of this soulmate thing?” Barry wondered out loud.

“Do you ever sing so your soulmate can hear you?” Neil shot back and Barry shrugged. “Fair point.”

The four of them stepped into the elevator, punching the button to go down. It was past lunchtime and time to go check out the venue, maybe help set some things up before meeting the VIPs.

“I sang and found mine”, Adam argued.

“Because he was standing right next to you when you did it and heard you in an echo”, Brad deadpanned. “That’s not much of a search…”

“Hey, you’re happy with me”, Adam teased, earning a smile from Brad.

Neil hushed them all, the space of the elevator feeling extremely tight with the sound in his head combined. “I’d like to hear the song still.”

They finally reached the ground floor, stepping out to find their transportation to the concert hall.

Brad huffed. “He sings that song all the time. You can take one time of missing it.”

“But I don’t want to”, Neil complained. “He’s got a really nice rough voice, you know.”

“Maybe if you’d tell us what the song is”, Adam began. “We’d be able to track him down for you.”

Neil ignored the comment, settling for a quiet ride to the venue. It wasn’t because he was mean-spirited but they were halfway through the North American tour. Halfway through so there had been plenty of moments where Neil had wanted to rip out Adam’s throat, punch Brad’s face or have Barry respond to something he said, instead of look at him like a deer in the headlights. It was nothing personal, but he was starting to feel like he needed a break from them all. He just had to keep his comments to himself to preserve the peace. Wish the same could be said about Adam. He never kept his comments to himself.

Though once the band got home and they had a couple of days to themselves, they'd all be best friends again and things would return to normal. Like they'd never been annoyed with one another!

When they arrived at the venue, they helped set up some gear in the back, making sure it was ready to be installed once the opening act had to leave the stage and since they had plenty of time left, they helped the opening act install their equipment. They were from the US and not a band they toured with but they were nice people and it was great getting to know another band.

Once they were all set and done, they had a little bit of time to spare to sit down before meeting the people who had upgraded their tickets to VIP packages. It was one of Neil’s favourite things to do. He loved meeting more and more fans, hearing their stories and their favourites about the band. What their favourite song was, what song they felt strongly about. Oh and the occasional gift was greatly appreciated as well of course. Just a while after that, they got to hype themselves up for the show, chilling backstage. In the meantime, Neil had heard his soulmate sing a couple of times and it had been distracting, but he managed to ignore it most of the times. He didn’t want to be like ‘oh sorry, my soulmate was singing’ because it was nobody’s business anyway.

While the opening act played their set, Barry furrowed his eyebrows. “Where’s my phone?”

“Where you left it”, Brad replied. “Obviously.”

Adam leaned in to Neil. “So are you gonna tell us about the song yet? Like maybe just the lyrics?”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Not now, I’m not gonna think about another song before we play a set. I might play that song instead.”

“Do you know the drums to that song?” Brad chimed in.

Neil shook his head. “No, just his voice. I don’t even know what the song is or what the original sounds like. Just the version he sings.”

“Huh, cool. Too bad you can’t shazam your head”, Barry commented, finding his phone in his back pocket and sticking it in the air like it was his trophy. A while later they got ready to play their own set. Neil found himself distracted while sitting at his drums for once because for some reason, his soulmate decided it was a great time to sing. He hoped the singing would be over soon. Sure, he loved the sound of his voice, but he had their own songs to play! He couldn’t afford messing up. Try drumming a song when someone’s loudly singing another song inside your own head. It was extremely hard to focus during the entire show when it turned out his soulmate was singing a bunch of songs. It started out with the song he liked so much, changed into two or three songs he hadn’t heard that much yet and then a couple of songs Neil knew by heart already.

By a miracle, he didn’t make any noticeable mistakes and he was relieved when the set was over, leaving stage and joining the others backstage for the ride back to the hotel. Tomorrow they’d hit the road for a pretty long time until they’d reach their next destination so they had to be well-rested and prepared to sleep on the bus for once.

On their way home, Neil hummed the song to himself, catching Brad’s interest. “Are you humming Set It On Fire?”

“Huh?”

Brad sighed before repeating; “That song you’re humming. Is it ‘Set It On Fire’?”

“I don’t know. It can be. It’s that song I like from my soulmate”, Neil replied with a smile when they got out of the car and went inside the hotel. Brad wasn’t done talking about it. “It goes; you take my world and turn it up, turn it up, turn it up?” he quickly rambled, butchering the rhythm for Neil. “Yeah, that’s the song. I like the idea for it. That my soulmate sings to me that he wishes his girlfriend was like me cause she’s not his soulmate. I think it’s cute.”

“That does sound kinda cute”, Barry agreed when they stepped inside the elevator and went up to the third floor. Adam snorted. “I don’t know what’s cute about breaking your non-soulmate’s heart though.”

“I don’t know either but you’re kinda setting yourself up for it when you agree to date someone who’s not your significant other”, Brad said. “But that’s not the point. You know who the song is by, right?”

“No? I told you. I don’t know anything about these songs”, Neil shrugged. “I just like them.”

“It’s by My Darkest Days. My brother wrote that song”, Brad said.

On the third floor, they headed into Brad’s room to continue the conversation. Neil stared back at the bassist in amazement. “Matt wrote that song?”

“Yeah, did your soulmate sing tonight?”

Neil sat down on the bed next to Adam, Barry sat opposite of them on a chair. Brad remained standing between the three of them. Neil raised an eyebrow. “You don’t even know half of it. He sang a whole damn collection of songs. It was crazy hard to focus on drumming with him in my head. BUT I didn’t make any mistakes, did I?”

“No, you didn’t”, Barry admitted. “That’s pretty impressive.”

Brad handed Neil his phone. “You gotta see this video.”

“If this another animal compilation, I’m kicking your ass”, Neil warned him before he pressed play. He looked at a recording of a concert. The audio quality was bad, but Neil could see Matt on stage. Damn, that boy had really grown into a different adult these days. He had seen him before the tour but seeing him perform added a whole new layer to him. He was not a bratty little brother on stage, not a quiet guy. Matt was the singer of his own band. He was a performer. And most of all, he was playing Set It On Fire.

It took a few seconds into the video before the audio quality got any better. Neil nearly dropped the phone when he heard it. It’s him.

“My Darkest Days played a show tonight. Matt’s the one you hear, isn’t it?” Brad asked, like he already knew the answer before showing the video. Neil nodded. “He sounds so different when he sings. I never expected such a rough singing voice from Matt out of all people.”

“Matt is your soulmate, Neil. He doesn’t know that because you never sing for him”, Brad said. “Sing for your soulmate, dude.”

Neil shook his head. “I’ll just tell him.”

“Whatever”, Brad waved it off. “I already tracked down your soulmate so I’m happy. Now get out of my room so we can sleep.”

“Sleep, he says”, Adam grinned, giving Barry, who smirked back at him, a look but the grin melted off his face when Brad glared in his direction.

“Sleeping it is”, Adam grumbled as he got up and vanished into the bathroom. Neil and Barry retreated into their own room. It didn’t really sink in that Neil had found his soulmate. He kept thinking about it, not really feeling it was true while he got ready for bed and turned in for the night. By that time, Barry was already snoring. Brad had sent him the video. He put in earphones and listened a few times, finally letting it sink in. He was watching his soulmate. His ideal partner. The bratty little brother of his best friend was his perfect match. Neil remembered all the time he spent with Matt, the camping trips, the laughing at nothing and everything and found himself smiling. Matt had been there the entire time.

Neil reached over to the nightstand to grab his phone. He opened his texts, looking over the last conversation he had had with Matt. It had been about Neil’s frustrations about the other bandmembers on tour. He smiled, typing up a message.

Neil

Hey, I know this is random, but you’re my soulmate    1:02am

As soon as he had sent it, he wanted to take it back. Neil visibly cringed, spiralling into a panic and sending a few explanatory texts.

Neil

Wait that sounds weird       1:03am

Neil

I mean, I heard your entire set of tonight in my head    1:03am

Neil

Okay that made it creepy…1:05am

Neil

Just ignore this lol    1:05am

Neil grumbled, feeling stupid. He left his phone on his nightstand and headed into the bathroom to take a piss. Maybe getting out of bed would clear his head a little and he’d be able to sleep and forget about his disaster series of texts trying to explain why he thought Matt was his soulmate.

He did manage to clear his head a little and he figured he was being stupid. Matt was his soulmate. They belonged together and unless Neil meant to hurt Matt, things would work out fine. He let his head fall back with a sigh and avoided his own gaze in the mirror as he hummed the tone to Set It On Fire while taking a piss. Sing for you soulmate.

Neil hesitantly sang a few lines, rolling his eyes at himself. He flushed the toilet and return to his bed. His phone lit up with a message.

Neil

Just ignore this lol    1:05am

Matt

Lmao Neil wtf.         1:08am

Matt

OMFG Did you just sing Set It On Fire for me????      1:12am

Neil chuckled, clearing his throat when Barry shifted. He didn’t want to wake the other by being too loud.

Neil

I did. It’s stupid. I don’t sing often           1:13am

Matt

You’ve got a nice voice, shut up. It sounds cute. Do it again. 1:13am

Neil

Can’t. Barry’s asleep          1:14am

Matt

Later then?    1:15am

Neil

Later ;) Should sleep now           1:15am

Matt

Good night, soulmate :)   1:15am

Neil smiled at the screen. He didn’t reply. He locked his phone and put it on the nightstand before he sunk deep under the duvet of his bed. He was so tired it didn’t take long to drift off to sleep despite the storm of thoughts in his head. Who would’ve known that Matt Walst was his soulmate out of all people.

The next morning Neil kept his promise of singing more often. He sang a Three Days Grace song to himself while showering and got out to find Matt texting him.

Matt

That’s the nicest wakeup call I’ve gotten :)     7:05am

Neil

:)      7:10am

He liked how Matt didn’t make a huge deal out of this. He liked that Matt didn’t change his attitude towards him. He would’ve cringed if the other suddenly called him “baby” or anything like that. He gagged just thinking about it. He hated sudden pet names.

It wasn’t the last time Neil sang for Matt and he often found Matt singing along with him. It made him feel more confident in his voice and the more he did it, the better it sounded. The guys started noticing his voice and thought he was great. It led to singing more backing vocals during shows. Neil could tell he’d been happier since finding out about Matt.

The only obstacle left to face, was the tour. They’d been only halfway through the tour and My Darkest Days was on tour as well.

A few days after finding out, they were on the road and Neil sat at the table. Brad was talking to the driver, Adam and Barry were watching a video on Adam’s phone opposite of Neil when Neil got a phone call. He checked the caller id, smiling to himself.

“Hey Matt.”

Adam looked up, making kissy faces at Neil. The drummer flipped him off, turning his eyes away.

“Got a minute to spare?” Matt asked. His speaking voice was still so different from his singing one.

“Sure, we’re on the road”, Neil replied.

“Same. You haven’t murdered the guys yet?”

“Not yet”, Neil chuckled. “Why are you calling though? What’s up?”

“Just wanna figure out when we’ll see each other again because of the tour”, Matt sighed and Neil nodded, feeling stupid because the younger man couldn’t see it. Neil grabbed the agenda, mentioning when and where he’d be every day, only to find out that none of those dates or places were remotely close to Matt’s plans. If they couldn’t see one another on tour, it meant they wouldn’t see one another in the next half year. Neil banged his head against the table. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

He had ended the call with Matt, both deciding on an “we’ll see” but that got them absolutely nowhere. It was crazy to know who he belonged with but he couldn’t be with him yet!

Brad entered the space. “You look blue”, he said to Neil.

“He can’t see his little boyfriend in the next six months”, Adam replied for Neil. Brad made a face. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah”, Neil muttered. “Well I spent years without Matt as my partner so I’ll be fine now too, I guess.”

It was almost true. It was true that Neil had spent years without knowing who his soulmate was, but somehow knowing who it was made being alone a lot tougher. It was like this magical bond made it tougher on purpose to make sure soulmates couldn’t avoid one another. For the next two weeks, it had been rough, but Neil had managed to shove Matt in a small compartment of his brain that he had labelled ‘later’. Though it meant he had been singing less outside of shows. The lesser he sang, the lesser he thought of Matt and the easier it was to distract himself during the day. During shows it was already a big enough task to focus on drumming while Matt went over his entire setlist in his head.

“You’re moping”, Brad noticed. Neil was scrolling through his phone and looked up. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You’re pouting to yourself”, Brad pointed out.

Neil noticed it himself and stopped. “It’s just weird. Knowing it makes it different.”

“Yes, it does. I’m lucky I found mine within the band”, Brad sighed, glancing over his shoulder at Adam. The singer had his feet on the table while listening some music but waved when he saw Brad looking from across the bus.

“It’s gonna take so long to meet. How do we go from there? Like what do you do when someone you’ve known for a long time is your perfect match? Do you just… kiss them or something?” Neil wondered aloud.

Brad raised an eyebrow. “No. You just do what feels natural. He’s your ideal partner. I’m sure whatever you want, is exactly what he wants.”

“I don’t know what I want to do when I see him”, Neil shrugged.

“You’ll know when you see him.”

The bus came to a halt when they reached their destination. This weekend they played two shows with a night at a hotel. One by one they left the tour bus. Neil was the last one to do so, gazing at his feet as he tried not to trip and fall. When he looked up, Brad looked at him with a shit-eating grin and Neil noticed Matt immediately. The younger man had his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jacket, shivering slightly in the cold as he stood next to Brad. He wore that signature half smile on his face. “Hey, soulmate. Didn’t think I’d wait months to see you, did you?”

Neil smiled. You’ll know when you see him. He hugged Matt in a greeting and it ended sooner than he had liked. Brad patted Neil’s back. “We’re going inside. Have your moment.”

Neil and Matt stood under the roof of the hotel entrance in the cold but Neil felt warm when he looked at the other. “I can’t believe you came out to see me. I thought you had a concert to play tonight?”

“It got cancelled. Half the band got food poisoning. Not me, don’t worry”, Matt chuckled. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, trying to keep warm in the cold so Neil put an arm around him and pulled him closer. “Is it mean to say I’m happy they did?”

“No, I’m happy too”, Matt admitted, welcoming Neil’s warmth. For a moment, they stood there and then Neil looked down at Matt. “What are we gonna do?”

He was pretty sure Matt knew Neil wasn’t referring to what to do in this very moment when Matt looked up at Neil, closing the distance between them to kiss his lips. His nose was cold and it was just a sweet and tender kiss but it sparked something. It gave Neil the same warm feeling as when Matt sang inside his head. He had wanted that kiss to last a little longer than it did. He was relieved to have Matt with him in that very moment. Matt smiled. “How’s that for a start?”

“I think you just set it on fire”, Neil replied. He wrapped both arms around Matt and kissed his soulmate again.

Chapter Text

“My neck’s sore”, Neil groaned when they boarded the bus. Brad grabbed for his feet on the little steps of the bus with a grin, making him nearly stumble forward. The drummer glared back at him while Matt and Barry snickered at it.

Brad patted him in a way to urge him aboard the bus before asking; “Why is your neck sore?”

“Because I’ve been twisting a lot in my sleep and I always end up in a fucking uncomfortable position. It’s just awful. I wish it would stop but I can’t really control the way I move in my sleep, you know?” Neil complained, jumping inside to sit on the couch, then Brad, then Matt and eventually Barry closed the door behind him. “You’ve been moving a lot in your sleep?”

Neil hummed affirmatively, checking the minifridge for a beverage. He could really go for some wine right now but there wasn’t any so he took out a can of beer, tossed one to Matt and cracked open his own for a sip. Brad and Barry glared at him for it, but they should’ve gotten used to the fact Neil only ever treated himself and Matt. The singer had a massive grin plastered on his face at the small gesture.

“You know what they say about moving a lot in your sleep”, Brad offered.

Neil raised one eyebrow and hummed questioningly.

The others chuckled so the drummer frowned. “What? What do they say about moving in your sleep?”

Neil sipped his beer, shifting his gaze from one person to another.

“It means you’re sexually frustrated”, Brad filled him in. “Or unsatisfied at least.”

“What?!” Neil’s voice hit a higher pitch. “I’m not frustrated. I get laid regularly.”

“You don’t have to prove yourself to us”, Barry mocked him. “It’s okay to not get any.”

The drummer snorted. “No, I’m serious. I haven’t had any less sex than I’ve had the weeks before my sleep moving started.”

“Then maybe you’re just unsatisfied”, Brad offered. “Are we really discussing this right now?”

“I guess we are”, Barry made a face. “Neil started it.”

“Did not!” The drummer brooded. “And I’m not unsatisfied. I end it properly.”

“Then maybe you need something else”, Matt shrugged.

Neil blinked, continuing to down his drink. The singer smirked and said; “It means you need to get fucked.”

The drummer choked so hard, he could’ve sworn it came out of his nose. He coughed violently, Barry smacking his back to get it out of his system. With teary red eyes Neil looked at Matt. “What the fuck?”

“No, you need to get fucked”, Matt repeated. “If you’re still unsatisfied after doing it with women, you might just need to renovate the upholstery of your interior”.

“Oh ha ha, very funny”, Neil grumbled. “Fucking brat.”

“It’s not a bad idea”, Brad kicked in. “I mean, you never know until you try?”

Neil furrowed his eyebrows. “Why are you standing by him?”

“Because the idea of you as a bottom is something I never knew I needed to know. It would just make so much sense why you’re such a douchebag sometimes. You’re overcompensating for the fact you like it up your ass”, Brad explained. Barry nodded. “Makes sense if you look at it that way.”

Neil knocked his can of beer down, spilling it over the edge. “I don’t like it up the ass!”

“You won’t know until you try it”, Matt shrugged. “I like it.”

The drummer was about to give another snappy remark when the fire got knocked out of him. He whipped his head back to Matt. “Wait, you do?”

“Sure”, the singer grinned, sipping his beer. “When it’s done properly, it’s… something. Like someone pressing the right buttons.”

“Gross, Matt”, Brad expressed his disgust. “Keep that to yourself.”

“Well he has to know what he’s up for if he wants to stop squirming in his sleep?” Matt complained.

Neil visibly cringed. “You think getting fucked will fix it all?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not gonna go find me a dude to fuck me”, the drummer deadpanned. “I’m just not.”

“Fine, I’ll do it”, Matt teased, expecting Neil to roll his eyes but Neil seemed disturbed by the claim. “NO! I don’t even… We’re done discussing this. Moving on.”

“Bossy. Not a good quality for a bottom”, Brad mocked him, elbowing Barry.

“Except if he’s a power bottom”, Matt jumped in.

Neil clenched his jaw and threw his empty can of beer at them. “Fuck you guys!”

“No no, get fucked.”

The three laughed at Neil’s embarrassment. He wished he’d never told them in the first place.

***

The bus came to a halt in front of the hotel of their next destination. The four of them along with crew members grabbed their bags to leave and check into the hotel while the bus driver got the bus to park out the back somewhere. Neil slung his bag over his shoulder, bristling still over the conversation earlier.

Matt came to stand next to him and elbowed him lightly. “We were teasing, man. You don’t have to try anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“I know.”

Matt flexed his shoulders, a little sore from the bus ride as he’d barely moved from his position at the small table at all. Neil cleared his throat. “But you like it?”

“Mhmm.”

“Since when?”

Matt shrugged. “Not like I kept track of it. Started with one of my girlfriends. She was really into pegging and it was good but I kinda preferred a guy to do it in the end. Not as much into pegging with the girls as I’m into letting a guy fuck me.”

“You’re so open about all of that shit. I never knew you were bi”, Neil mused. Matt snorted. “You never asked.”

Neil watched as Matt dropped his bag to head for the restroom urgently. They’d been so close since the recording of the last record. Brad affectionately referred to them as dumb and dumber lately. “You can pick who’s who”, he had joked.

Neil furrowed his eyebrows. They’d been so close and yet he hadn’t even bothered to pay enough attention to know Matt was bisexual. Brad rummaged in Matt’s bag and Neil raised an eyebrow. “That’s Matt’s, you know?”

“I know. He bought a candy bar at the airport yesterday. I’m swiping it off him.”

Neil shook his head with a smirk. “What if I tell him?”

Brad held up the candy bar in victory, then scowled at Neil before he broke the bar in half and handed Neil one of the halves. “Here, shut up about it.”

Neil accepted the bribe, put away his half of the bar in his back pocket before Matt returned from the restroom. They stood around waiting to get the keys to their rooms, splitting up two per room. It was a no brainer. Barry and Brad together. Neil and Matt together. Matt bent to dig into his bag, frowning and digging deeper.

“What?” Neil asked.

“I could’ve sworn I put my candy bar in the top pocket”, Matt muttered. He got up and closed his bag with a shrug. “Oh well. Guess I’ll find it later.”

“You wanna snack on a candy bar right before bed?” Neil asked.

Matt shrugged. “Midnight snack? All the singing and jumping on stage gets me hungry, man.”

“Fair enough”, Neil conceded eventually. He couldn’t deny the candy bar in his back pocket was tempted to devour after the long night of drumming. The show had been wild and he fucking loved the audience response. Matt was on fire, performing the Hell out of it. Some of the VIP fans had been rude, ignoring Matt and claiming to be old fans back when the band was still whole with Adam. Neil always felt a protective wall raise whenever anyone said Adam’s name to tear down Matt. He didn’t miss the old days. Matt was everything they needed and Neil would continue to defend Matt or distract attention from him until it got through to people that Adam. Was. Not. Coming. Back.

Neil supressed a yawn. “Think I’m heading straight to bed.”

“Awe, no midnight wine?” Barry joked with a poke. Neil rolled his eyes. “I did that once, dude.”

“And the impression sticks.”

Finally they got two keys per room. Neil got Brad a key to his own room and received one of the keys to Brad’s room. Just in case they had to wake each other up urgently to leave in the morning. It had been that way ever since Brad and Barry passed out asleep so badly that not even Neil’s insistent knocks on the door woke them up and they ended up missing their flight. Neil didn’t suppress the yawn anymore when he finally got up to his room shared with Matt.

“Man, gotta take a dump”, Neil said. Matt glanced at him with a disgusted expression before he launched into the bathroom with his bag and locked it. Neil knocked into the door and grumbled. “Asshole!”

“I got in first!”

“I’ll shit on your pillow instead”, Neil called out and Matt laughed at the comment. Neil shook his head, settling for changing into sleepwear instead. Just some loose shorts. Though he wore boxers underneath just until he was in bed. Matt didn’t need to see his business flopping about.

Eventually Matt stopped holding the bathroom hostage and Neil could take care of things. By the time he was done, Matt was fast asleep and snoring lightly. Neil had always been jealous of Matt’s talent to fall asleep instantly but it was also a very annoying talent. Most nights Neil was still talking to Matt when he’d stop receiving a reply, just a snore.

And Matt snored.

The light noise he came to, was nothing compared to what it could be sometimes. He was glad to slip into bed like that, turning his back on Matt.

***

Neil awoke to the need to pee.

Kinda his own fault, he didn’t go after the dump before bed. He lazily scratched his groin and got up to head over the bathroom. Fuck, his neck was even worse than before. What time was it?

3am.

Fuck, in the short amount he’d been asleep, he still managed to fuck up his neck even worse than before. Even his lower back was killing him now. Maybe Matt was right.

Maybe he needed to…

Nah.

Bullshit.

He flushed and headed back into the room. The blinds were partially open so they could be woken up by the natural light of day instead of an alarm. They still set the alarm as a back-up though. It was a bright night, moonlight shining into the room slightly to reveal silhouettes for his adjusted eyes. He slipped back into bed.

Neil cast a glance at Matt’s bed. There was a slow but steady rise and fall of the blankets. Neil kept thinking back of Matt’s comment. How he needed to get fucked. His neck had been aching a lot lately from squirming and getting himself into bad poses to sleep. Maybe he had to try something more after all? Plenty of straight guys tried to do more than just jerk off, right? Surely, it wasn’t that weird to try it?

He took a deep breath, shaking his head he was even considering it but maybe he would think it was a better idea once he got himself in the mood. He licked his lips, glancing a final time at Matt’s bed as he rested one of his hands on his abdomen, lazily moving it up and down. Matt’s sleeping. It’s fine, he told himself. He traced the outlines of his dick through shorts, catching its interest with a twitch. He caressed his thumb along the side, feeling the blood rush down his body. It was easy to get his body in the mood but his mind kept worrying Matt would wake up because of him. Well, what if he would?

He shifted, semi-hard now by the thought of getting caught. He didn’t even know this side of himself but if it put his mind in the mood, then sure. He closed his eyes and put his hands down his shorts to wrap his fingers around his cock, now fully hard. He let out a sigh and stroked himself, teasingly slow. He twisted his wrist up and down and covered his face with his free hand.

There was definitely something insanely hot about touching yourself with someone present in the room. Neil paused his actions, wondering if he should try to renovate the upholstery. God, don’t laugh. Laughing is the biggest boner killer in the world. Humour dissolves the hot fog in his mind right away. He shrugged it off and shoved his shorts down to his knees. He parted his legs and let his free hand find its way to his ass, dipping between butt cheeks.

Matt’s breath hitched so Neil froze on the spot, glancing at the other bed. No, he wasn’t awake. Neil closed his eyes, one hand pumping his cock and the other slipping a finger inside his ass. He bit down hard on his lip. Shit, this was uncomfortable. He gritted his teeth, feeling nothing but a pressure in his abdomen to push his finger out again. How the hell could anyone think this felt good?!

He wondered if he was doing it wrong. Maybe he needed to find some sort of sweet spot before it would feel right so he tried to poke around a bit but it only started to hurt instead. He groaned in pain when he removed the finger, growing frustrated that it didn’t only hurt and feel immensely uncomfortable but it also killed his mood to masturbate.

His eyes flew open when the bed dipped down under weight. He saw Matt’s shape sitting on his bed. “Matt!”

“Sh”, Matt hushed him, voice soothing. “I can’t stand to hear you hurt yourself like that. Will you let me do it? I can make it feel nice, if you really want to.”

Neil blinked, thinking he must be dreaming and Matt must still be asleep on his bed, but no, Matt’s bed was empty. “W-what?”

“I can do it right if you let me”, Matt offered again, no mocking tone or joking present in his offer. “Just to help you out, Neil.”

Neil didn’t know what to say and cringed at his eventual complaint: “That’s gonna make everything weird.”

Matt hummed in response. “Only if you make it weird. I know I won’t. I just can’t stand to hear you struggle like this.”

Neil didn’t reply.

“Do you trust me enough for this?” Matt asked, voice softer now. Neil swallowed a lump in his throat. He was hard. He wanted to be satisfied, to feel that orgasm rock his body hard enough to let him sleep the night lying perfectly still. Was it enough to let Matt do this? Neil slowly nodded. “Yes.”

Matt pulled the covers away, settling between Neil’s legs. Neil shivered when the cold air hit him. He didn’t know what to do like this. Matt leaned in, hand on Neil’s thigh. His fingers were ice cold so Neil jerked away. “No, I can’t.”

“Can’t?”

“This is weird”, Neil whispered. Matt was so close to him that he could see the smile on his lips. “Only if you make it weird.”

He pulled Neil’s shorts off all the way. “Promise I’ll stop if you say the word.”

Neil held Matt’s gaze for a while. The moonlight reflected in them and it was hard to read Matt’s intentions but he swallowed nervously. Matt wouldn’t have any ill intent. He just wanted to help. Neil hesitantly nodded.

Matt placed his hand on Neil’s abdomen. They were no longer ice cold. Neil could feel his resolve melt, told himself to just enjoy. Worry later, enjoy it now. “Okay.”

It took every bit of Neil’s willpower not to let his ego take over and flip Matt onto his back to prove a point. That Neil was in control.

But Matt was. Neil’s stubborn attitude dissolved when Matt wrapped his fingers around his semi-hard cock. He gave it a few strokes until it was fully hard again before he moved back to grab something from the bed. “First off, you’re doing it wrong because you’re not using lube. Lube is your best friend.”

Matt coated his fingers in it and sat down between Neil’s legs. He traced a finger down from his balls to his entrance, rubbing the spot with a slippery finger. Neil tensed, hoping it wouldn’t hurt as bad this time. Matt used his other hand to jerk Neil off as he slipped one finger inside his ass. Neil immediately felt the discomfort again, groaning at the intrusion. Matt squeezed Neil’s cock before he let go. He curled the finger, pressed deeper. Neil clenched his ass around the finger, cheeks heating. Matt hummed thoughtfully. “You’re swallowing my finger eagerly. That’s a good sign.”

Neil muffled a sound into the back of his hand. This was something else than discomfort, maybe not pleasure yet but it was definitely getting there. Matt repeated the motion of his finger, rubbing the inside.

Neil arched his back, pushing down on the finger. He turned his head away. His face felt hot. This was all so foreign and new. He’d never experimented with his ass before and to have Matt do it for him… He closed his eyes, subdued moan escaping his lips when Matt wrapped a hand around Neil’s neglected cock. He jerked him off slow, matching the motion to the slow in and out of his finger. The discomfort mixed with the pleasure. Neil’s eyes flew open and he bucked his hips, groaned when the finger brushed a specific spot deep inside. Fuck, he wanted that again. He ground down on the finger, curled his toes at the sensation. It wasn’t enough.

Matt got the hint and added a second finger. Neil adjusted to the second one much quicker. Matt barely needed to move his fingers at all when Neil ground down on them with every jerk of his cock. Matt bit his lip and Neil couldn’t help but stare at Matt’s lips. Matt had scooted closer, still settled between Neil’s legs and Neil wondered if he could close the distance between them. He gnawed on the inside of his cheek, strangled moans slipping out with every brush against his sweet spot. “A-Are you teasing?”

Matt smirked a little, only visible because his eyes were adjusted to the darkness surrounding them now. “Maybe a little.”

“What does it feel like when you’re not teasing then?” Neil wondered aloud. He arched his back off the bed and moaned loudly when Matt directly probed his prostate with a sharp thrust of the fingers. “Like that.”

“F-fuck, do it again.”

“Come on, Neil, gotta have a little fun with it. I bet you don’t just grab your dick and head for the orgasm right away. That’s not very satisfying”, Matt shook his head and Neil had to admit he was right. He realised he’d been clenching his butt and relaxed, sinking back into the bed. Matt’s tongue peeked out to lick his lips and Neil blurted: “Kiss me.”

“Kiss you?”

“Mmhm.”

Matt cocked his head. “I’d say you’re excited as is, don’t need any kisses for it.”

Neil groaned in frustration when Matt brushed past his prostate again. “F-fuck it, Matt. If you’re gonna play with my ass, at least kiss me.”

Neil grew flustered over his own words.

Matt shrugged and leaned in, hoovering over Neil to meet his lips. Neil felt like he was being too eager, meeting Matt’s lips by parting his own and tongue slipping out just a little to swipe Matt’s bottom lip. Matt parted his own, accepting the tongue with his own. Matt soft moaned into the kiss and it sent a tingle down to Neil’s groin. Fuck, he wanted more.

Neil rocked his hips on Matt’s fingers, pulled Matt closer on top of him to deepen the kiss. Matt released Neil’s cock to steady himself, fingers thrusting in and out of Neil’s ass while he kissed him back. When he broke the kiss, Neil’s gaze was full of lust, lips swollen. Matt grinned. “You like this, don’t you? You like it when I’m fingering your ass?”

Neil was happy Matt couldn’t see the blush on his face but he couldn’t reply to that. “Matt…”

“That’s it”, Matt whispered. He returned a hand to jerk Neil off and the sensation built in the pit of his abdomen. He could feel the climax inch closer, moaned every time Matt prodded his sweet spot directly. “Matt!”

“Neil…”, Matt breathed.

“Stop.”

Matt stilled, confused look on his face. “What?”

Neil panted, chest heaving. Fuck, he was so close. Just a couple more seconds and he’d cum so hard he saw stars. But it wasn’t enough.

“I need more”, Neil muttered. “I need you inside me.”

“Me?” Matt squeaked before clearing his throat. He hesitated. Neil reached out to grab his shirt. “Please, Matt. It’s not enough. I want you inside me.”

A worried crease formed in Matt’s forehead. “Are you sure? Absolutely sure? You won’t regret you asked me?”

Neil shook his head frantically. “Help me out, Matt.” Neil let his head fall back, whispering: “Fuck me.”

Matt nodded, moving away to take off his pyjama pants. Neil whined at the loss of the fingers inside of him, clenched his ass in anticipation. He stared at Matt, eyes travelling lower to find his hard cock revealed. There was pride in Neil for causing Matt’s arousal without touching him much. Matt must’ve loved the view. He pulled Matt on top of him, shoved his tongue down Matt’s throat with a newfound desperation to touch. Matt reciprocated and groaned when his dick grazed Neil’s thigh. Matt pulled away. “You got some condoms?”

“No need. I’m clean, are you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then fuck me bare”, Neil asked but it came out as a whine. Neil could feel Matt’s hot breath on his lips before he kissed him. It was just a peck, soft and sweet. Then another on the corner of his mouth, more along his jaw. Neil squirmed slightly when Matt kissed the soft spot between his neck and jaw. He brought his hand up to push against Matt’s chest but found himself closing his eyes when Matt kissed his neck. Neil knew they crossed a line somewhere that they’d have to talk about in the morning but he didn’t give two shits right now. Matt’s mouth on his skin, fingers returning to his ass, Neil anticipated it eagerly. He vaguely heard the cap of the bottle of lube.

Neil swallowed thickly, suddenly shy when Matt lined his cock up with Neil’s ass. Matt jerked him off in slow motions as he pushed the tip inside. Neil held his breath at the intrusion, pressed his eyes closed. Suddenly he felt Matt’s hand on his cheek. His eyes fluttered open to notice Matt watching him with a calm expression. “Breathe and don’t tense up like that. Just relax like you’re falling asleep and your entrance won’t be so tight.”

Neil forced himself to relax, melting to Matt’s touch on his skin as he traced from his cheek to his chest and down his abdomen to stroke Neil’s cock. Matt slowly pushed inside inch by inch, groaning slightly. “Mh so tight.”

“Sorry”, Neil muttered and Matt chuckled. “It’s a good thing. How does it feel?”

“Alright”, Neil admitted, focussed on breathing evenly. He felt full and a strange pressure like the need to go to the bathroom. “Alright for a first time, I think.”

“I’m honored to be the first”, Matt said. Neil smiled. “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to be the first.”

Matt slowly pressed all the way inside before he started pull out. He jerked off Neil, leaned over to kiss him and keep him occupied as he thrust back inside. Neil groaned when he grazed his sweet spot. “There.”

Matt angled himself to the instruction and thrust further. Neil bucked his hips, discomfort faded into a languid pleasure and intense peaks whenever Matt thrust back inside. “F-faster.”

Matt complied, picking up the pace and panting. His kisses were desperate and full of passion. Neil gladly accepted Matt’s tongue with his own, hummed appreciation into the kiss with Matt entangled his hand into Neil’s short hair. Neil wrapped his legs around Matt’s hips, locking him deeper inside, arms wrapped around his neck. “H-harder, Matt. It’s not enough.”

Matt smiled against Neil’s skin, head face hidden in Neil’s neck, thrusts sharp and fast. Neil felt it build deep inside his abdomen and in his balls. Matt nipped and bit at Neil’s neck, returned a hand to Neil’s cock to jerk him off rapidly. “I can tell you’re close. You sound so hot.”

Neil arched his back when he came, dug his nails and heels into Matt’s back. He locked him inside his ass without a second thought, eyes pressed closed and breath strained. His ass clamped down on Matt’s cock, milking Matt’s climax out of him only seconds later. Matt’s hand on Neil’s cock slowed, as did his hips until both stilled. Both men panted, completely out of breath. It took every ounce of energy for Matt not to collapse onto Neil. He pressed a kiss to Neil’s jaw. “Could you unwrap your legs? You’re locking me inside of you.”

Neil nodded, at a loss for words. He let go of Matt and Matt pulled out slowly. Neil hissed at the sensation, dick twitching but he was spent. He was so tired he could barely move. Matt left the bed and Neil let out a whine. “Stay.”

“Just getting something to help you clean up. You don’t wanna deal with it in the morning, trust me.”

Neil grumbled something but let Matt get a washcloth to clean up. He fell asleep halfway through. He had no idea when Matt returned.

***

Neil woke up when the light peeked through the blinds. He stretched, muscles aching and weak from the lack of movement. He hadn’t slept that well in ages. The memories of last night came rushing back and his cheeks heated. God, he hooked up with Matt.

Worse.

He let Matt fuck him.

Take his anal virginity.

He didn’t even want to think of its implications when it came to his claim of being straight. He rolled over to find Matt lying on his back and typing away on his phone. Neil yawned and Matt turned his head to face him. “Good morning, sleepy.”

Neil put an arm around Matt’s shoulders and Matt put his phone besides him to roll onto his side and rest his head on Neil’s shoulder. “Had a good night?”

“My neck and back aren’t aching worse than before so… I think it worked?” Neil wondered. Matt nuzzled his face into Neil’s neck. “It worked. You asked me to stay so I slept next to you in this cramped queen-sized bed and not once did you try to knock me out of it or give me a black eye.”

Neil chuckled. “Then it worked.”

He pressed his nose into Matt’s hair and inhaled, closing his eyes to enjoy the feeling. “So uh… That happened huh.”

Matt playfully slapped his chest. “It’s only weird if you make it weird, man.”

“I don’t want to make it weird”, Neil said, “But I kinda wanna do that again?”

“You want me to fuck you again?” Matt asked surprised. Neil shrugged. “Or me fuck you, whatever the mood is. I don’t know. It felt good. I’m not sure what it means for me but-…”

“Don’t analyse it”, Matt hushed him. “Just follow what feels good.”

Neil pressed a kiss to Matt’s forehead. “This. You. Us.”

There was a heavy-handed knock on the door that had both men nearly jump out of their skin before Brad barged in with the second key. “Guys, it’s late. Please tell me you’re dre-…”

His words got caught in his throat when his eyes landed on Neil and Matt. He raised his hands before his face to cover his eyes. “Nevermind. I didn’t see anything. I’m going outside. Please get dressed.”

Brad turned to walk outside, first walking into the door with a cuss of pain, then steering for the hallway. Neil vaguely heard Barry ask what was going on but couldn’t understand Brad’s chaotic and very loud complaint in reply. Matt sighed. “Why knock if you’re going to barge in anyway. That was his own fault.”

“For sure.”

Matt rolled out of bed and Neil followed, wincing a little when he moved into a sitting position. His ass was a little sore but nothing like he expected. “Toss me my clothes?”

Matt grabbed Neil’s clothes, interest peaked when he held Neil’s jeans from the night before. He dug into the pocket, retrieving half a candy bar. Matt raised an eyebrow and pointed his gaze at Neil. “Really? My candy bar?”

“Brad bribed me”, Neil blurted.

“SNITCH!” Brad yelled from the corridor.