Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

          Eli was always right.

            When Blaine was still with Kurt he would spread the poison and self doubt through Blaine so easily through texts and facebook.

            Eli says: Hey you!

            Blaine says: Hi. Do I know you?

            Eli says: lol not really. I just noticed your picture and couldn’t resist saying hi. You’re cute ;)

            Blaine says: That’s very sweet but I have a boyfriend

            Eli says: Aw! But it’s good to hear some of us have a happy relationships

            Blaine says: I wouldn’t say happy

            Eli says: Trouble in paradise?

            Blaine says: I’m just complaining. We’re in a long distance relationship and it’s been tough.

            Eli says: Poor baby! If he’s not worshiping you then he’s a fool

            Blaine says: Ha! That’s rich. I haven’t been trying so hard

            Eli says: You shouldn’t have to! You’re hot and obviously super sweet.

            Blaine says: Thanks stranger haha. Thanks for trying to cheer me up

            Eli says: I’m happy to do more

            One thing led to another and soon Blaine was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. His heart pounded as he raced out of the room and for days he ignored all of Eli’s attempts to get into contact with him.

            Then the breakup happened.

            It was like everything in him was telling him how sick and wrong he was. Every breath he took told him he was damaged. Kurt wouldn’t want him. No one would.

            No one but Eli.

            Eli says: I hope you don’t regret what we did. I don’t.

            Blaine says: Kurt and I broke up

            Eli says: I’m sorry Blaine. I knew you really cared for him.

            Blaine says: I loved him. I still do.

            Eli says: Do you want to talk?

            And he did.

            Eli was so loving. He complimented Blaine and listened to every little thing he said. When he was with Eli he felt like everything he did was interesting. He felt like he was actually being listened to and for the first time like his needs came first.

            It just felt so natural that they would start dating.

            “You look so nice,” Eli would say as he trailed his fingers down the buttons of Blaine’s cardigan.

            “Thanks,” Blaine blushed a little and easily stood up on his tiptoes to get a quick peck on the lips.

            “Let’s go to dinner,” Eli held his hand the entire time they walked to the restaurant and pulled out Blaine’s chair for him.

            “I’ll have the pasta alfredo and he’ll have the chef’s salad,” Blaine glanced up when Eli ordered for him.

            “Oh…” He frowned a little as the waitress walked off. “I was going to get the eggplant parmesan.”

            “Honey,” Eli gave him a warm smile, reaching across the table and taking his hands. “You always order something heavy and then complain about how bad you feel.”

            “That’s true…”

            “And you have been stress eating,” Eli shrugged. “I can tell. I’m just looking out for you.”

            Blaine blushed but nodded. It was so nice to have someone else look out for him instead of the other way around.

            And maybe he had gained weight.

            Eli was the best thing that had ever happened to Blaine. Since they started dating two weeks ago he had lost five pounds and felt amazing.

            “Come on Blaine,” Eli kissed at his jaw. “You weren’t saying no the first time? When did you become such a prude?”

            “I’m not…” Blaine squirmed. “I just don’t feel comfortable yet. Can we wait?”

            “Have I not been a good boyfriend? Have I not given you everything you deserve?” Eli asked gently.

            “You have!”

            “So don’t you think I deserve something too? This relationship can’t be all about take, take, take,” Eli brushed his hair back. “Isn’t that what happened with Kurt? You don’t want to be like him do you?”

            “No,” Blaine whispered.

            “I care about you so much,” Eli kissed him deeply. “You’re mine and I take care of what is mine.”

            Eli was always right. He pointed out how Blaine’s friends were tearing him down. How horrible they were to him. How they never appreciated how amazing he was.

            So he stopped hanging out with his friends.

            Eli was amazing.

~*~

            “Aw Glee party at Breadstix? How fun!” Kurt smiled as he sat down on his bed, phone cradled on his shoulder.

            “We wish you were there!” Tina said happily. “Seriously! We miss you!”

            “I miss you all too,” Kurt couldn’t keep in the question that had been at the tip of his tongue. “How is Blaine?”

            “He wasn’t there. He was spending time with his boyfriend,” Kurt felt his heart skip a beat.

            “Boyfriend?” Kurt grabbed his laptop and opened it, going to Blaine’s facebook page.

            Blaine Anderson is in a relationship with Eli C.

            “Yeah…” Tina sounded uncomfortable. “I don’t really like him. He seems a little controlling.”

            Kurt stared down at the pictures of Eli. After he had gotten through the stupid lighthouse he had picked as his profile he could see that Eli was incredibly attractive. He had straight blonde hair, blue eyes, and a wide smile.

            “Eli?” Kurt said stiffly, hearing Tina mumble out a yes. “The guy he cheated on me with?”

            “Kurt…”

            “I can’t believe him!” Kurt seethed. “Fine. Whatever. If he wants to date that guy he can.”

            “Kurt…”

            “I have to go.”

            He hung up the phone and slammed the laptop shut, ignoring the tears in his eyes.

~*~

            Two months into the relationship Blaine started having doubts.

            “You can’t dress that slutty,” Eli frowned from where he was sitting on the bed.

            “What?” Blaine looked at himself. He was wearing a sweater and skinny jeans. “They’re new. I went down a size…I thought you’d be happy.”

            “Not when you parade yourself around like a whore.”

            “Do you want me to change?” Blaine glanced down and tugged at his sweater.

            “No,” Eli’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “I want all the guys staring at your ass. I want you sneaking around and fucking them.”

            “I wouldn’t!”

            “You did when you were with your last boyfriend!” Eli jumped up and grabbed his arm roughly. “Why wouldn’t you do it again?”

            “I wouldn’t!” For the first time Blaine was scared. “I swear!”

            “Then change into something a whore wouldn’t wear,” He snapped, shoving Blaine towards his closet. “Maybe it wouldn’t look so bad if you could fit into them. You should probably wear your fat jeans instead.”

            Well…Eli had been right about everything so far…

            After the opening night for Grease he knew something was wrong.

            He knew he had sung beautifully. Blaine had looked out into the audience, wanting to sing to his boyfriend. Eli would be so proud of him. Eli would love it.

            Then he saw Kurt.

            All those old emotions sprung up and Blaine had to fight the tears in his eyes as he sung. He went through all the moves and kept trying to look for Eli but his eyes were constantly drawn to Kurt.

            When everything was done and they did their final bow Blaine didn’t even think about looking for his boyfriend. He chased down Kurt, desperate to talk to him again. He called out to him, heart pounding, and Kurt gave him a glance before walking away.

            “Blaine!” Eli called out and jogged up to him. “Where were you?”

            “I just…”

            “Oh,” Eli’s eyes hardened when he saw Kurt’s retreating back. “You were talking to him.”

            “Eli,” Blaine sighed but Eli yanked him into an empty classroom.

            “Why were you talking to him?” He squeezed Blaine’s arm.

            “You’re hurting me!”

            “Why were you talking to him?” Eli shook him hard. “Do you still have feelings for him?”

            Blaine hesitated for a moment and then his head jerked hard to the side. It took him a few seconds before he registered the pain from the slap.

            “You are mine Blaine,” Eli spat, slapping him again. “I will not have a boyfriend who is whoring around.”

            “I’m sorry,” Tears sprung to his eyes and Eli’s face softened.

            “Don’t cry baby,” Eli kissed the forming bruise. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. I just…I care about you so much.”

            “I’m sorry.”

            “I don’t want to lose you,” Eli rubbed his thumb roughly over his cheekbone.

            “You wont.”

            “Prove it,” Eli said simply.

            “W-what?” Blaine stuttered.

            “Prove that you want me.”

            Blaine hesitated before sinking to his knees.

            During Christmas time Kurt and Rachel were lucky enough to be able to go home to Lima. Kurt was rather proud to say that he had only facebook stalked Blaine a few times since finding out about the relationship.

            The lights and Christmas tree put Kurt into a nostalgic mood and he couldn’t help but steal glances at Blaine while they sat in the choir room.

            Blaine had lost a considerable amount of weight. His cheekbones were sharper and his eyes looked slightly sunken in. His clothes were different, not as bright as they normally were.

            “Hey!” Kurt stepped in front of him and Blaine’s wide eyes stared up at him. “I was thinking that maybe we could do our Christmas duet together. It’s kind of a tradition.”

            “I have a boyfriend,” Blaine said softly, hands tightening on the strap of his bag.

            “I know!” Kurt felt his smile strain a little. “I want to be friends and it would be fun.”

            “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Blaine shook his head.

            “Oh…I’m sorry,” Kurt felt uncomfortable and took a step back. “It was just an idea.”

            “It’s good to see you,” Blaine’s smile looked completely fake and Kurt finally let himself look at Blaine.

            There was an obvious attempt to use cover up on his cheekbone.

            Blaine ducked his head and walked out of the door, leaving Kurt staring after him.

            When winter break started Puck was gracious enough to host a party for all of the New Directions and alumni. There was way too much to drink and mountains of junk food and everyone was dancing to the deafening music.

            Of course, Blaine brought Eli.

            Kurt sipped at his drink, staring at them over the rim. Every so often, Blaine would take a step towards one of his friends but Eli would grab him and whisper something in his ear, making him stop.

            “He’s kind of an asshole,” Artie mumbled next to him. “Eli? He never let’s Blaine hang out with us. It’s pretty amazing he’s here at all.”

            “Hmm,” Kurt kept staring and Eli noticed.

            Kurt’s heart jumped when he saw the other boy’s eyes narrow. Eli grabbed Blaine’s arm and started pulling him from the room. For a moment Blaine looked like he wanted to protest but Eli yanked him out of the room anyway.

            “Excuse me,” Kurt put his drink down and followed them into the hallway.

            Eli and Blaine were in the kitchen and Eli was shouting loud enough for Kurt to hear him from behind the door.

            “You were eyefucking him from across the room!”

            “No I wasn’t,” Kurt hardly recognized that timid voice as Blaine’s.

            “You were! God you’re such a whore!”

            “I’m sorry Eli…”

            The loud crack and yelp of pain spurred Kurt into movement and he burst into the room. Blaine was leaning against the counted, holding the side of his face, blood staining his bottom lip.

            Kurt saw red.

            The next few moments were a haze before he was pulled off of Eli, knuckles hurting. Eli was coughing and covering his nose which was gushing blood.

            “Don’t you touch him!” Kurt snarled, foot shooting out to slam into his side.

            “The fuck?” Eli choked out, scrambling backwards.

            “You better leave dude,” Puck said slowly as Eli stumbled to his feet.

            “Fine, you’re all crazy!” Eli glared at them before turning to a stunned Blaine. “Come on.”

            “You don’t have to go with him,” Kurt said quickly. “Blaine you don’t have to.”

            “Blaine!” Eli snapped.

            “You should go Eli,” Blaine whispered.

            “Fine. I’ve been nothing but good to you,” His eyes narrowed. “You weren’t worth it.”

            Blaine flinched hard as Eli stormed out of the house. As soon as Eli was gone Kurt rushed over to cup his face in his hands.

            “Are you alright?” He asked breathlessly, trailing a finger over the bruise.

            “I’m okay.”

            “Blaine…”

            “It’s not like it’s the first time…” Blaine knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as Kurt’s eyes widened and everyone else gasped. “I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t be sorry,” Kurt shook his head, taking the ice pack from Rachel and pressed it to Blaine’s cheek and lip.

            “No, I mean…I always deserved it,” Blaine’s eyes filled with tears. “If I were a better boyfriend it wouldn’t have happened.”

            “A better boyfriend? Blaine, you’re perfect.”

            “No,” Blaine shook his head, watery eyes flicking around the members of the Glee club. “I tried but I was never good enough. “He said I was fat so I tried to lose weight. I tried not to look at other boys but I guess I was…”

            “Hey,” Kurt brushed away the tears. “You’re perfect.”

            “I wish I could believe you.”

            “Give me some time,” Kurt gave him a little smile and his heart jumped when Blaine returned it. “I’ll show you.” 

Chapter Text

“I just don’t understand why,” Kurt sighed and stared down at his coffee cup. “I mean…did you like being with him?”

“I don’t know,” Blaine whispered.

“He hit you.”

“Yeah.”

“And he said some horrible things about you.”

“Yeah.”

Kurt just stared at his ex-boyfriend for a long time, hardly recognizing this quiet, huddled boy in front of him.

“So why didn’t you leave?”

Blaine sat silently, twisting his fingers together and staring down at his bitten nails. He sucked in a deep, trembling breath and stared intently at a spot to the left of Kurt’s ear.

“Blaine, why?”

“I was with him before we broke up,” He muttered.

“I know,” Kurt tried to ignore the pang in his heart.

“He was so nice,” Blaine blinked furiously, looking up. “He said he just wanted to be friends at first…because I was so, so lonely. He was really nice and said such nice things and it was just…he noticed me when I was being ignored.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you,” Kurt whispered.

“You were,” Blaine nodded, staring at his own lap. “You would only talk about your amazing life…and remember we had talked about that with Ms. Pillsbury…and then you kept hanging up in the middle of us talking and before I could say I Love You…you hadn’t told me you loved me in a month.”

“That’s not…”

“It’s true.”

There was another long silence.

“And Eli was so understanding. He talked to me and actually listened. It was like someone finally gave a fuck what I said,” Blaine’s eyes flashed. “I didn’t love him. Not like I loved…love…you. He made me feel appreciated.

Then he started getting controlling. It started with food. He said I was getting fat and that I had been eating my feelings. He was ordering my food at dates and wanted to be there when I was weighing myself.”

“What?” Kurt gasped. “You weren’t fat Blaine. You’ve lost way too much weight!”

“He was taking care of me.”

“He was controlling you,” Kurt said quickly and Blaine swallowed a few times.

“When he hit me for the first time I thought I deserved it,” He whispered. “It was the night after Grease and I had been…talking to you.”

“He hit you after that?” Kurt’s chest clenched.

“He was jealous and I shouldn’t have been flirting with you…”

“You weren’t flirting,” Kurt whispered. “I didn’t even give you time to talk.”

“And then he made me prove that I wasn’t…”

“Wait what?”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine’s voice shook.

“Were you happy with him?” Kurt reached forward and took Blaine’s hand, frowning when he pulled away.

“No.”

“So why didn’t you leave him?” Kurt asked desperately.

“I…he hurt me…but he was there,” Blaine whispered, wrapping his arms around his middle. “He was always there.”

And Kurt’s heart shattered.

Chapter Text

           Everyone was walking on eggshells.

            After everyone had found out that Eli had been abusive Blaine felt like he was being smothered. The sad eyes when they caught sight of his split lip made him feel like he was shriveling up. The way people made sure that they never touched him made him feel like he was burning. The last straw was when Ms. Pillsbury gave him a soft smile and a pamphlet that read “So Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend is Not Made of Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice?”

            All Blaine wanted to do was forget everything and just go back to the way it was.

            But he couldn’t.

            He couldn’t really remember what it was like to not need someone. He couldn’t remember what it was like to not try to please other people

            He couldn’t remember what it was like to not be scared.

            Kurt had decided to spend the summer in Lima and slowly their relationship began to grow. It took a few trips to the Lima Bean before Blaine smiled and a few more for him to begin to open up.

            “Excited about New York?” Kurt asked as he took a sip. “I totally knew you were getting into NYADA.”

            Blaine smiled down at his coffee cup. Getting into NYADA was something he was incredibly proud of. Despite Eli’s constant put downs about his singing and talent he still practiced. Eli encouraged him to give up on NYADA but he couldn’t let go. He did something on his own and he succeeded.

            “Yeah,” Blaine smiled. “I can’t wait.”

            “In fact…” Kurt reached for his cup and cursed as he accidentally knocked it over, hand flying out in an attempt to grab the falling coffee.

            Blaine flinched badly and jerked his own hands up.

            “Sorry!” Kurt gasped, steadying the cup. “I’m sorry.”

            “It’s fine,” Blaine didn’t really lower his hands and looked clearly shaken.

            Kurt’s heart thudded hard in his chest. After Eli hit Blaine during the party Kurt had seen the same fear and panic in his eyes, and this time he had caused it.

            “Sorry,” Blaine mumbled again, lowering his hands.

            “Are you getting help?” Kurt asked softly after mopping up the spilled coffee. “I mean…you’re looking so much better.”

            “You know when you get in a habit and no matter how hard you try you can’t break it?” Blaine glanced up, almost looking nervous. “I can’t break the habit.”

            “It’ll take time.”

            “I think in his voice,” Blaine closed his eyes tightly. “Every time I reach for this cup I think, you’ve put two sugars in and now I’m going to get fat. I miss questions on my quizzes ad I think, you’re far too stupid to have gotten any of these questions right. I…I talk to you and I think, why are you flirting? Are you really such a whore?”

            “Okay, you’re not fat. You are beautiful and in great shape. I may have ordered you a coffee with whole milk because I think you need to gain weight. Before you met Eli you never had a problem with how you saw yourself…”

            “I know,” Blaine nodded slowly.

            “Two, you are so smart. You’re going to an outstanding college in the fall and you got there on your own,” Kurt smiled and reached forward to take his hand. “And you are not a whore. I don’t want you to ever say that again. You are talking to me because we are friends and you are allowed to talk to whoever you want.”

            Blaine squeezed his hand and smiled.

            “Thank you,” He whispered.

            “You don’t need to thank me,” Kurt smiled.

            “No, I do,” Blaine took in a deep breath. “When I was with Eli everything I did was wrong. The only thing I did right was my NYADA audition. It wasn’t just because of the school…it was because I knew I could live in New York…with you.”

            “Really?” Kurt found himself grinning.

            “Yeah. I know I shouldn’t have been thinking that when I was dating him but it was a constant thought. Kind of like some really fucked up fairy tale,” He shrugged again. “I know I have a habit of changing myself to match others. I guess I got stuck in the trap.”

            “But you got yourself out.”

            “That’s what I’m scared about. I don’t know if I would have,” Blaine frowned. “I might have turned down NYADA and stayed with him.”

            “Why?”

            “Because I don’t want to be alone. I liked that someone took the time to notice me and let me talk…even if he did just dismiss everything I said,” Blaine sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face.

            “Blaine…”

            “And I know I should say something like I love myself and whatever but I don’t. I don’t even hear my own thoughts anymore…everything I think is a combination of everything else anyone has ever said.”

            “You need help.”

            “I know,” Blaine nodded. “I’ve been in touch with the NYADA mental health center. When I get to perform on Broadway I’m going to do it for myself.”

            “Good!”

            “Not for Eli, not for my parents, not even for you,” Blaine gave him a small smile. “For me…and I wont be scared any more.”

Chapter Text

Blaine knew that Oliver was jealous of him. 

No matter how hard he worked to keep himself under the radar and not get noticed, it was hard. Blaine loved to preform and felt so comfortable in that role so it was nearly impossible to tone that part of himself down. He knew he was incredibly talented and his teachers knew it too.

As much as Blaine tried to convince himself that jealousy was natural (and didn’t that sound self-obsessed?), he still hated the way some people looked at him. 

Oliver was the worst by far. He was a mediocre performer. In fact, no one was quite sure how he got into NYADA. Every time Blaine sang Oliver would seethe in the corner, shooting dirty looks at the other boy. 

Everything came crashing down when Blaine got his invite for the Winter Showcase. 

"What?" Oliver exploded, snatching the envelope out of his hands. "You got the invite? You?"

"I can’t believe it," Blaine breathed, smile wide as others congratulated him. 

"This is bullshit," Oliver snarled. 

Blaine reached out a timid hand to take back the invitation but Oliver crumbled it in his hand and shoved him back. At the shove, Blaine felt a familiar prickle of fear. 

"Get your hands off of me," He tried to sound strong but his voice quivered. 

"Make me," Oliver shoved him again and the crowd around them went silent. "How many people did you have to fuck in order to get that piece of paper? Hmm?"

"Give. It. Back."

"Come on Oliver," Someone said softly.

"He doesn’t deserve it! He’s not that talented," Oliver shouted. "He’s fucking useless."

Blaine made a grab for the invitation and stumbled back as Oliver’s fist went flying at his face. He managed to dodge and the fist only glanced at his cheekbone before several other students yanked them apart. 

Although he knew he was safe, his heart still pounded. 

Days later, his heart had not slowed down. As soon as Blaine woke up in the morning (if he slept) he could hear the blood racing through his ears, throughout the day he felt like a rubber band wound too tight and knew he was going to snap and break any moment. 

Blaine knew that Kurt knew. Despite the fact that news of the little fight had spread all over campus, Kurt knew exactly why Blaine was acting this way. He tried gentle touches and reassuring smiles but Blaine was still tense constantly. 

Once evening, four days after the fight, Blaine was busy making dinner. Kurt was cutting up a head of lettuce for the salad as Blaine stirred the simmering meat on the stove. 

"Hey hun?" Kurt asked and Blaine jumped, dropping the second pan he had picked up on Kurt’s foot. With a sharp yelp of pain, Kurt jumped up and down.

"I am so sorry!" Blaine squeaked out, dropping to his knees. "Oh God Kurt, I’m so sorry!" 

"It’s fine," Kurt grit his teeth.

"No, no, no," Tears started running down Blaine’s face as his hands hovered over Kurt’s foot. "God, I’m so sorry."

"Honey, honey," Kurt knelt down next to him, seeing his boyfriend start to hyperventilate. "It’s okay, it’s fine." 

As soon as he moved closer, Blaine flinched and tried to cover his face. 

"It’s alright," Kurt said soothingly. "I’m not upset. I’m not going to hurt you."

Blaine looked through his fingers, trembling all over and looking so heart achingly young that Kurt actually felt something in his chest twist painfully. Who could ever want to hurt him?

Slowly, he lowered his hands. Blaine’s face crumpled and he leaned forward, sobbing. Kurt carefully reached forward to hug him gently, rubbing his back. 

"You’re okay," Kurt said softly. "I’m here. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m right here."

After several long moments, Blaine finally reached around to hug him back.