Archive of Our Own ^beta

a quarter after three

2:05am

the red light of the clock on his bedside table gave off an annoyingly bright glare and he huffed in disbelief. he fluffed his pillow and turned over, attempting to find any sort of comfort. he counted sheep in his head, making it all the way to 112 before he sighed heavily and sat up.

2:27am

he rolled his eyes and groaned.

“why?” he asked himself softly. he knew why. he just didn’t want to admit it. ever since they had gotten home, he found it hard to fall asleep. tonight was especially hard considering he and doyoung had barely spoken that day, busy with promotions and performances. his mind began to wander back to the tour. he and doyoung had ended up being roommates, which he had no complaints for whatsoever. he loved doyoung, no matter what anyone else thought. he liked to hide his feelings by constantly bickering with the younger, taking any opportunity he had to torment him. but during the tour, he didn’t try to hide it as much, slipping into the younger’s bed at night and pressing himself so close to his body that he could barely breathe. the stress of their first world tour was almost too much for the leader to bear. the only stress relief he could find was in doyoung. the younger never complained of taeyong’s sudden clinginess, enjoying the attention he was receiving. it was no secret how much he adored the older, always trying to get his attention somehow, so when taeyong would wrap his arms around him at night, his heart would bloom. but once they had gotten back to korea, that all changed. taeyong went back to his normal self, giving doyoung less attention and bickering more than usual. when they first got home, taeyong had snapped at doyoung for something as simple as leaving the water running while brushing his teeth. to say doyoung was shocked would be accurate. to say his heart shattered a bit would be an understatement. after that, taeyong found more time to argue with the younger and avoid him when possible.

2:41am

it was his fault, taeyong knew that much. he had slipped too much over the past month, letting himself openly admire and love doyoung. he worried the others would begin to get suspicious. but they knew, some more than others. johnny would always say he could read taeyong like an open book. so when he had confronted taeyong nearly a year ago about the heart eyes he would send doyoung when he thought no one was looking, he became his crutch through taeyong’s love sickness, giving him what advice he could, becoming a punching bag when taeyong found doyoung so cute that he couldn’t contain himself, and lending his shoulder to cry on when his feelings became too overwhelming.

he recalls two days ago, when he completely broke.

johnny held onto taeyong, stroking his back gently in attempt to comfort the boy whose broken sobs echoed throughout their shared room. taeyong’s whole body shook as waves of emotions hit him harder than a bus. he was so broken, so hurt, so disappointed in himself. he couldn’t understand why he didn’t have the courage to just grab doyoung and kiss him like he’d never stop. he was terrified. he had never known a love this strong, yet here he was, pushing it away at all costs.

“i’m so scared, johnny. why? why do I feel like this?” he managed to breathe out before the next round of tears hit.

“look at me.” johnny’s voice was firm, stern almost.

taeyong looked up from johnny’s chest with glossy, swollen eyes. his face said it all. he was in so much despair that he no longer knew how to handle it.

“i know this is a lot. i know it’s new to you, trust me, i do. it took me ages before i could even look jaehyun in the eyes without shaking. but look where we are now. i can barely spend an hour without hearing his voice; three without seeing him. taeyong, i love you and i will always be your rock when you need me, but this has to stop. you need to man up and accept it. doyoung is your world. anyone can see that. when he walks into the room, it’s like that breath you’ve been holding in forever can finally be released. he’s your oxygen, taeyong. don’t let it run out.”

it took about another 30 minutes of consoling to get taeyong to calm down. his exhaustion washed over him and he fell asleep in johnny’s arms, the older having to carry him to his bed and tuck him in.

3:15am

he’d had enough.

he found himself standing in front of doyoung and mark’s room, debating on whether to knock or just walk in. he’s probably not even awake, taeyong thought to himself. he was about to turn and run back to his room when he heard music playing softly on the other side of the door. he’s awake. taeyong’s hands began to shake and his breath became uneven. the doorknob was cold to the touch as he grabbed it. a sign left his lips as he turned it and opened up the door.

doyoung was sitting cross-legged on his bed, hair a mess, face a bit swollen, and hands occupied by a small blue notebook. he looked up in surprise at taeyong, who was frozen the moment their eyes met, knees locked, the possibility of falling over at any moment present. he was in a trance. it was a quarter after three, and doyoung looked so soft and pure. he’d never seen anything more beautiful.

“taeyong?”

his voice was smooth and quiet, curiosity laced in his tone. that was all it took for taeyong to break out of his trance and march over to the side of doyoung’s bed.

the notebook in doyoung’s hands was put beside him as he backed up at the sudden closeness of the older. taeyong’s breathe was heavy, his chest moving up and down noticeably. he looked almost ready to cry.

“get up,” he whispered, voice horse and crackly.

doyoung wasted no time in obeying his orders. he stood up, causing taeyong to step back a bit, but not enough to be too far away. they were now standing face to face, eye to eye, close enough to feel each other’s breaths on their face. taeyong’s eyes held so much, more than he could bear; sadness, worry, fear, but overall, love. doyoung’s eyes were filled with concern for the boy in front of him who looked like he could break if he spoke too loudly.

“taeyong, what’s wrong?”

the softness in his voice more present than before. although he had been pushed away and ignored since the tour ended, he loved taeyong more than anything and would do whatever it took to make him happy and content. through all of the arguments and cold stares, he, unlike taeyong, found a way to deal with his feelings. he never tried to hide, even announcing it to the world that he wanted to ride couple bikes with taeyong, be deserted on an island with taeyong, BE with taeyong. no matter how far he was pushed, he’d always find a way to come back.

taeyong couldn’t form an answer. he didn’t want to. all he wanted to do was to grab doyoung and never let go, hold him like he’s the most precious star in the sky, because to taeyong, he was.

so he did.

to say doyoung was shocked would be an understatement. as soon as he felt taeyong’s hands on his waist, pulling him closer than possible, his breath hitched in his throat. it took him a moment to register that the love of his life was hugging him. his eyes watered with tears that have been waiting to escape. the happiness he felt was enamored, and all he was getting at this moment was a hug. but he knew. he knew it wasn’t just a hug. not for them. it was realization and acceptance. a confession of sorts.

doyoung’s arms found their way around taeyong’s shoulders and he held the older just as tight. his hands found their way to his hair, smoothing it down, and messing it up again with a soft tug. he could feel his shoulder becoming wet. taeyong’s head laid heavy on doyoung’s shoulder as he silently cried. he squeezed his arms tighter around doyoung’s middle, if that was possible.

doyoung’s tears found their way out and trickled down his cheeks. no words were exchanged between the two. in this moment, they weren’t needed. their muffled sobs and tight squeezes said it all.

doyoung was the first to pull way, separating only enough for him to see taeyong’s face, which was red and puffy, tears still falling from his eyes. doyoung’s hands came up to delicately wipe the strays from the elder’s face, taeyong’s hands mimicking his actions, rubbing up and down gently on doyoung’s back. after all the tears were gone, doyoung’s hands found themselves clasped behind taeyong’s neck, one again playing with the ends of his hair. taeyong smiled softly at the boy in his arms, praying to whoever that this was real. he pulled him tight against his chest, pressing their foreheads together.

“i love you,” he spoke softly, lips nearly touching, the words coming out a lot easier than he ever thought they would.

doyoung smiled his bright gummy smile that taeyong loved oh so much.

“i love you more.”