Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Hey, Tsukki...are you still asleep? Hey!" There was a small voice at Tsukishima’s ear, growing in volume with each word before the latter finally responded by slowly opening his eyes. Confused and a little irritated by the sudden disturbance, Tsukishima glanced around the half-empty bus, blinking against a wave of sleepy dizziness. It was strangely quiet. He remembered how the whole volleyball team got on the bus in the first place, but other than that, his head was empty, save for a faint memory of a dream lingering in his mind.

The vehicle was left in parking position and from his seat at the window, Tsukishima had a good view on the surrounding area. He could easily make out a few brightly painted park benches and a small building, maybe a bistro or café of some sorts. The whole place seemed busy. Apparently, their trip had been interrupted for a while and most of his teammates seemed to have left the bus to stretch their legs or do whatever.

"Sorry, Tsukki. I just didn’t want you to miss our break," Yamaguchi murmured, nervously kneading his hands together, "I thought you might wanna buy some food or use the bathroom, and I-”

"It’s fine, I’m not mad," Tsukishima interrupted his friend’s apologies, a little harsher than needed. Stifling a groan of frustration, he leaned back in his seat, but that only served to increase the dull, but still very noticeable pressure in his lower abdomen. Crap. He had to piss. So it hadn’t been just his imagination. And now they were at a rest stop, which meant they still had a long way to go. Why else would they need a break anyway?

Tsukishima’s plan had been to sleep through the whole ride like he always did when the volleyball club forced those long ass road trips on him. But of course, nice and always considerate Yamaguchi just had to wake him up, believing he was doing his friend a favor. He couldn’t have been more wrong about the situation. All Tsukishima wanted was to sleep, but with his bladder feeling as full as it did, he certainly wouldn’t be able to doze off again. This was...annoying. The match hadn’t even started yet and he was already in a sour mood.

Usually, he always made sure not to consume too much liquid before going on long bus trips because he knew that this was literally asking for trouble. But on this particular day, he blamed the warm weather for his decision to down a full water bottle and a glass of juice before he had even left the house. Dehydration wasn’t a joke, especially not in midsummer. But in retrospect, it had been reckless, outright foolish of him to drink everything at once without bothering to go to the bathroom right after breakfast. Now he could only live with the consequences. And consequences meant dealing with a full bladder for the rest of the ride. Great. He already hated everything.

Looking out of the window just seemed to make it worse. He made out two of their senpais, Tanaka and Nishinoya, chatting happily in front of the café, shop, whatever, their hands full of greasy-looking fast food. They looked so goddamn cheerful that Tsukishima felt like puking just by glancing in their direction. Kageyama, the “king”, stood somewhere in the middle of the pathway, arms crossed and a grim expression on his face, probably waiting for idiot number two to return from one of his toilet adventures. Since Tsukishima was neither deaf nor imbecile, Yamaguchi’s implications had been enough for him to realize that there were restrooms here. Smelly, horribly crowded restrooms with no hope for even a lick of privacy, or at least that’s what one would expect.

“You don’t have to go to the bathroom?”, Yamaguchi asked, giving him that funny look again, “The coach said we’ll be back on the road in five minutes.” Tsukishima just shook his head and tried to shift into a position, that made the uncomfortable pressure a little more bearable. As he did so, he rummaged through his bag for the headphones he always used to block out the noise of his extroverted (read: yelling) teammates. Maybe they would also help to distract from his need, at least until they were at the gym. Why did their teacher always have to beg for practice matches against teams from the other end of the country? As if a team from the same prefecture wouldn’t have been good enough.

“I think I’ll go, just in case. You know me,” Yamaguchi announced with a faint smile on his face and got up from his seat, looking at Tsukishima as if to ask, “You’re sure you don’t want to go?”

Tsukishima figured, that he was just afraid they would end up abandoning him at the rest stop again. But with Tsukishima being wide awake for now, he could at least speak up and prevent that from happening a second time. Yamaguchi was old enough to go potty without him. It was okay.

“I don’t need to, so go ahead,” he lied, motioned in the direction of the opposite window and turned away, closing his eyes with the faint hope of being able to fall asleep again. If he managed to do that, it would all be over before he knew it. Lying to Yamaguchi felt wrong, but there was no way he could tell him the truth. Not only was it terribly embarrassing, but his friend wouldn’t understand his problem anyway. He didn’t even get it himself. He didn’t get, why he had so much trouble relieving himself in public bathrooms, or even just in the presence of other people. Something must've been wrong with him, and maybe he should step up and try to find a cure for whatever problem he had, that surely wasn't physical in nature. But, the last thing he wanted was ending up on a therapist’s couch, with some asshole spreading rumors in their small town, that Tsukishima wasn’t right in the head.

Yeah, no. He had to keep that a secret. Even from Yamaguchi.

After Yamaguchi had disappeared from his view, Tanaka, Noya, Ennoshita, and Kageyama climbed back into the bus and filled the small space with noise. Too much noise. The king was, as always, yelling at Hinata, who tried to balance several large soda cups in his arms, threatening to drop them all on the floor. Tsukishima averted his eyes. If there was one thing he didn’t want to see right now, it was that. He had to think of something else. Something dry. Maybe his music would help. At Yamaguchi’s return a few minutes later, Tsukishima had already put on his headphones, with the volume turned up so high, that he could neither hear the loud laughter of the second years, nor the usual quarrels between the king and the shrimp.

---

They had been on the road for maybe around twenty minutes, which wasn’t a long time, and yet, it felt like they had been traveling for hours. Eventually, Tsukishima had decided to take off his headphones because the music was starting to grate on his nerves instead of calming them. He could barely keep still and the worst part was, that Yamaguchi kept sending him worried glances every few minutes. In times like these, he wished, he would be able to go to the bathroom like a normal person, without being held back by his silly hangups. He couldn't remember when he had started to avoid public bathrooms, but the thought of using one at a rest stop now felt as unpleasant to him as going to the dentist.

The whole situation was absurd. A few minutes earlier, he would've had the opportunity to pee and get it over with, and now he was sitting here in a bus amidst his teammates, almost desperately trying to ignore his aching bladder. It wasn’t critical yet, but bad enough to make him jittery and ruin his usual calm demeanor. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt such a nagging pressure down there. In school, he usually managed to go at lunch break when everyone else was busy with their food. It had rarely been an issue. After all, he didn’t have a weak bladder like some other people he knew. Regardless, he was only human. He had a limit, and he was getting dangerously close to said limit.

Maybe he shouldn't' have had that extra glass of juice…

A swift glance at his phone display told him, that not even five minutes had passed since the last time he looked. This was...irritating to say the least. Squirming around would just make him look like a moron, so at some point, he decided on simply crossing his legs as tightly as he could. Tsukishima figured, that it probably looked silly, but at least that way he could get a tiny bit of relief. It didn’t take long before he was forced to change his position again. Frustrated, he squinted against the sun’s light that was shining right through the bus windows, clenched both hands into fists on his thighs and took a deep breath. He had to calm down. But how was he supposed to be calm and keep his poker face when he felt like he was about to burst?

“Are you really okay, Tsukki? You’re not getting motion sick, are you?,” Yamaguchi reminded his friend, that he wasn’t putting on a good act, at least for someone who rarely expressed his emotions in public.

“I already told you it’s nothing. You don’t have to worry. And I’m not sick,” Tsukishima answered a bit too quickly, startled by the strained sound of his voice. He didn’t want to talk to Yamaguchi about his issues. He didn't want to talk about them to anyone. Even if he did, why would it matter? They were back on the highway again, and the bus didn’t have a toilet. Not, that he would have been able to use it, but-

Oh, fuck, he had to go! How did it get this bad so fast?

“Okay…but, if there’s something wrong, you can always tell me. You know I won’t judge,” Yamaguchi said in a softer voice, and Tsukishima already felt overwhelmed with guilt because he couldn’t tell his best and only real friend the truth. But maybe some things were better kept unsaid. Yamaguchi's opinion of him mattered, and he didn’t want his friend to think of him as a freak who couldn’t even do a basic thing like peeing. Sure, Yamaguchi wasn’t one of those people, but that changed nothing about the horrible shame Tsukishima felt whenever he as much as thought about his "problem".

Without the gentle rhythm of his music, the deafening silence in the bus was downright aggravating. Tsukishima silently hoped that the restless tapping of his fingers on the seatback wasn’t too obvious. Except for Yamaguchi, nobody would be able to see and question it, hopefully. He couldn’t help but try to channel his anxiety in some way, if he didn’t want to freak out. With a soft sigh, he took another glance out of the window and pressed his thighs together, crossed and uncrossed them again. He had to calm down. He just had to.

Tsukishima had given up on constantly trying to check the time on his phone. It didn’t help that every glance at his lock screen ended in a pang of disappointment that caused his bladder to protest with the realization that no more than three minutes had passed. Whenever his bladder seemed to scream at him, he inwardly screamed back at it to shut up. But of course, it wasn’t that easy. He had brought himself into this situation, with too much water and not enough bathroom trips before getting on the bus. Maybe, he should’ve called in sick for this particular practice match, but running away from his problems would've only made him feel worse. Like a coward. And, he didn’t even have to go that badly. He could hold it for as long as he needed to. After all, he was almost an adult.

He just had to calm down. That was all.

---

While Tsukishima had been able to cope with his dilemma without drawing too much attention to himself, the same couldn’t be said for a certain someone in the back of the bus...

“I swear, If you piss on the seat, I’ll kick you out of the window!”, Kageyama threatened his partner, who was squirming on the seat next to him as if sitting on hot coals. His whole posture and the way he had his hands buried between his tightly clenched legs made it kind of obvious that he had to pee. Badly. Hinata couldn’t really be subtle about anything.

“Maybe drinking three of those giant cups in a row wasn’t your best idea today,” Ennoshita pointed out with a furrow of his brows and went back to reading his comic book, “That was almost two liters,” Hinata responded with a miserable whine and glanced up at his teammates, his eyes wide and glassy. At this, Noya and Tanaka turned around to their favorite kohai, the latter already expecting Hinata to get sick again and puke on Kageyama’s lap this time.

“Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, you just had to buy that soda. You’ll only get even more hyper from that sugary crap!”, Kageyama scolded him again, his voice lacking any sympathy.

“I know, but the soda was a special offer, and I couldn’t go to the bathroom when I had to carry all the cups. You could have helped me, but nooo, you just stood there doing nothing.”, Hinata tried to justify his recklessness, before gasping and bending over with a quiet whimper, his hands still desperately grabbing at his crotch.

“Sugaaa, help me!”, he finally turned to their vice-captain with puppy-dog eyes, “I really don’t think I can hold it much longer! I know we already stopped, but I have to pee so bad, it’s probably gonna come out any minute. Can’t you do anything? Please!”

“You’re so embarrassing. How old are you? Three?”, Kageyama snapped, which earned him quite a few judging looks from everyone involved. Especially Noya and Tanaka seemed to have fallen into protective mode over Hinata.

“Woah, give that guy a break, you bully! He’s already suffering enough without you picking on him,” Tanaka said, and Noya next to him nodded in agreement.

“Yeah! Ryuu is right and besides, that soda really is good at making you have to pee. I only had one cup and a slushie, and I already have to go again even though I just went,” Noya added, grinning as if he got some odd amusement out of the situation, “Not like “almost peeing on the seat” kinda-bad, but I wouldn’t mind another break.” With a sigh, Suga finally stood up from his seat.

“I’m gonna ask, if we can stop somewhere, again,” he answered the questioning (and very desperate in Hinata’s case) looks from his teammates, and before one of them could voice their opinion on his decision, he walked off without another word. The chance, that their teacher Takeda and coach Ukai would allow them to take another break, after having stopped less than an hour ago, was almost nonexistent. Fortunately, Suga was good at talking and convincing people, and honestly: If Hinata said, he was about to pee himself, they should probably take him by his word.

---

Unfortunately, Tsukishima hadn’t been entirely successful in his attempt to block out the voices from the back of the bus. He was very much aware that the shrimp was getting on everyone’s nerves, apparently, because he had to pee just like he did. Only, that he would never tell anyone, that he was going to wet himself. Ever. Angling his head, he watched Suga talk to coach Ukai in the driver’s area, trying to persuade him to stop again, because...well, the bus was only rented and cleaning the seats was expensive. That made perfect sense and Suga’s natural charisma usually worked in their favor.

Though it was extremely rare for them to stop multiple times in a row and the other team surely wouldn’t be too happy about the match being delayed. Tsukishima still wished they would stop. He really did. Maybe, if they managed to find a less crowded rest stop or a gas station with a bathroom, he would finally be able to relieve himself. He had to go bad enough to at least try. It wasn’t like he had anything to lose. The anticipation of being able to go soon and get rid off all the pressure started sending urgent little shivers through his bladder, and it took all of his self-control to not get carried away by wishful thinking.

What if Ukai said no? He had to be prepared for that too.

Clenching his teeth, Tsukishima grabbed at the fabric of his pants, his hands getting dangerously close to his crotch, letting out a shaky breath. He tried to ignore the worried glances Yamaguchi kept sending him, unable to come up with a meaningful explanation for his behavior that wouldn’t make him look like an idiot. It felt like his knees were starting to go numb from how hard he was pressing them together, and he could only hear the discussions between Suga and the two adults through a thick filter, his consciousness fogged by the insane pressure on his bladder.

He just wanted to pee already. Why couldn't they make up their mind a bit faster?

“Listen, everyone!”, Takeda finally stepped into the corridor to address his boys in a serious tone, “At the…persistent request of your vice-captain, we’re going to take another short break in a few minutes. Please do everything you have to do and come back as soon as possible! We’re already about half an hour late and it would be rude to keep the other team waiting any longer than necessary.”

Even before Tsukishima could do as much as process this new information, the bus took an unexpected turn to the left. The sudden jerky movement almost felt like hitting a pothole, and Tsukishima couldn't help but gasp in shock, as his bladder revolted. He only barely kept himself from crying out, or worse, grabbing his crotch, rubbing and squeezing down as hard as he felt like he needed to. His body wasn’t listening to him anymore, and that was humiliating enough. He couldn’t let anyone know how desperate he was. But he knew he also couldn’t keep up this facade forever. He was about to go crazy at some point. He needed to go. It wasn't just a simple urge anymore.

After what felt like hours of driving and listening to Hinata telling everyone how he absolutely was going to pee on the seat if they didn’t hand him a bottle or something, they had actually taken an exit. Finally. Tsukishima looked out of the window, ready to spot the shortest route to the closest bathroom, so he could be the first one to get there.

Only, that there weren’t any bathrooms…

Fuck.

This wasn’t a traditional rest stop. There weren’t any shops to buy overpriced sweets and plush toys with ridiculously huge eyes, no snack bars and of course, no bathrooms. All he could see from his spot at the window was a grassy area with a few shrubs and trees, too small and puny to provide any privacy. The bus hadn’t even stopped yet, but Noya and Hinata had already stormed to the door, the latter whining and fidgeting around like a first grader. Embarrassing. Tanaka and Kageyama followed at a much more leisurely pace and soon, the doors opened.

Tsukishima refused to participate in the childish behavior of his teammates and even though his bladder was throbbing like crazy, he tried his best to sit still and wait until the engine was turned off.

Swallowing a lump in his throat, he tried to calm his racing heartbeat. He wasn’t even sure, what was more ridiculous. The fact, that the obvious lack of appropriate facilities meant he would be forced to relieve himself outside in front of...everyone, just because he had refused to use the bathroom earlier, or, that he was making such a big deal out of it? But alas, he didn’t have a choice. Embarrassing or not, he had to suck it up and just do it.

"I'm going to...get some fresh air," he answered Yamaguchi's questioning gaze, got up from his seat before walking to the door on shaky legs. The change of position and sudden gravity increase caused the pressure to skyrocket, and for a few dreadful seconds, he almost thought he would wet himself before having a chance to get out of the vehicle. Surely, the urge to pee would override his weird phobia this time. There was no way he wouldn’t be able to go. As his feet touched the ground and a cool breeze hit his nose, the pressure seemed to even have doubled. How the hell did he think he’d be able to last for another hour without either soaking himself or dying from his bladder exploding? If that was even possible.

Taking a deep breath to ward off another panic attack, he leaned against the bus and told himself that there was nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Hinata and Noya had zero issues with peeing into random bushes in front of the whole team as well as chatting with each other and their third wheel Tanaka while enjoying their relief. Tsukishima had no reason to be embarrassed in the presence of those shameless idiots. He was better than that.

Nevertheless, he detested peeing in public. Apart from early childhood, he could only remember doing it once, during his second year of middle school. Unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to use the bathroom at school, despite it being a warm summer day with gym class and all that, leading to him consuming way more liquid than usual. He had tried so hard to hold it and get home without any of his classmates noticing and poking fun at him for how frantically desperate he was. But midway between his school and his house, his bladder had suddenly given up on him, like a plug being pulled from a drain.

He still vividly remembered dashing to the next best spot in sheer panic, ending up somewhere between a wall and a trash can, tearing down the zipper of his shorts, pulling out and letting go, because hell, he was already doing it anyway. Nobody had been there to witness, but the shame of the situation was still firmly ingrained into his memory. In retrospect, it had been less embarrassing than facing his parents or his brother with wet pants and having to explain why he hadn't just gone at school...like a normal person, without weird psychological issues he didn't know to deal with.

Now was his chance to prove to himself, that he was indeed a normal person. There wasn’t anything to hide behind, so he just walked off as far away from his chattering teammates as he could and stopped in front of one of those puny bushes. With trembling fingers, he unzipped his fly and imagined standing in his family’s bathroom, alone and with the door locked. After a moment's reflection, however, he realized this mind game wouldn’t work as long as he could still hear all the noise from outside. Maybe he should just picture that trash can again. The memory caused his face to heat up, but he tried to ignore it and relax.

He took a deep, shuddery breath, positioned himself properly, so he wouldn’t accidentally pee on his shoes, and waited…

Nothing.

It didn’t work. He couldn’t go.

His whole body cramped up when it dawned on him, that no...he wasn’t normal after all. He couldn’t just pee like the others. It was probably the most frustrating feeling he knew, even worse than messing up a test at school for which he had been studying all night, and worse than not being able to read an opponent’s attack in a volleyball match. His bladder was full to the point of bursting, it was painful and yet, he couldn’t relieve himself, couldn’t do anything against the pressure that was slowly driving him insane. He had to go so bad, and yet he couldn’t. His body wouldn’t listen to his pleas.

It wasn’t until his eyes started to burn, that he realized how he was practically falling apart over something as silly and mundane as peeing. How pathetic was that?

He closed his eyes, tried to block out everyone and everything around him, focusing only on the task at hand. For a moment, it worked. His tension seemed to fade, the mental barrier slowly cracking. He imagined himself as the awkward, lanky middle school student he used to be, stumbling around a corner with one hand pressed between his legs to keep himself from peeing before he got there...and then finally getting relief.

He remembered how freaking good it had felt to let go, not having to fight against his body anymore and just succumbing to his most primal needs. A violent shudder and a tingling feeling deep inside him confirmed that the mental image had actually helped. He was about to finally overcome the barrier that had been denying him relief until now. He was close. A sense of accomplishment was about to creep in until-

“Hey, this is a bathroom break, not naptime! You can sleep on the bus,” Tanaka cheered, slapping his back. That was the moment, when everything in him cramped up again, destroying all progress and leaving it in burning shambles.

Inwardly seething, Tsukishima turned his head and judging by Tanaka’s reaction, his facial expression could've very well topped the king’s usual serial killer face. His hands were clenched in fists over his crotch, his teeth gritted, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had been this mad at someone. He wanted nothing more than to grab his teammate by the collar and throw him right into one of those bushes, but he couldn’t move. The mixture of anger, frustration, and shame about the ridiculousness of the whole situation paralyzed him. This wasn’t fair. This really wasn’t fair…

"Geez, I just wanted to make a joke. You don't have to give me that scary look," Tanaka said meekly and raised his hands in front of him, but Tsukishima just kept staring, frowning and almost shaking from desperation. He had been so close to relief, and it only took one stupid comment and a slap on the back to make sure that he couldn't do it after all. Of course, he was aware that Tanaka didn't have any malicious intents, but he had still managed to fuck up.

"Just leave me alone!" Tsukishima growled and was surprised at the sound of his voice that sounded more like the king's than his own. So this was how losing your temper felt when you had to pee so bad you couldn't think straight anymore. He hated Tanaka for his stupid antics, he hated himself for hating him and he hated the whole situation and his stupid phobia that had gotten him into this dilemma in the first place. He could only feel hate and frustration and his mood dropped even lower when Noya yelled at him and Tanaka to hurry up because everyone but them was already back on the bus.

It was useless.

Resigned, Tsukishima zipped up and tried to ignore the chill rushing through his body. Like in trance, he went back to his seat in the bus, plopped down and avoided everyone’s concerned gazes. He had never been very emotional, not even as a kid, but at this moment, he felt like crying. Tanaka almost looked guilty when Tsukishima passed him on the bus, but after everyone was seated, he started chatting with Noya again while Hinata and Kageyama argued over some trivial issues and flung childish curse words at each other. The cheerfulness of his teammates felt mocking, insulting even, though none of them had any idea what was going on with him. But he would rather dig himself a hole than speak up about his issues. He had to save what was left of his pride, even if it wasn’t much.

---

They had a little more than one hour left of their ride. Two hours, if the traffic remained as sluggish as it was, and they couldn’t take any shortcuts. Tsukishima had no idea how he would be able to make it through, but it wasn’t like he had a choice. Their teacher had explicitly said that they were late and therefore, their second break had been much shorter than the first one. It was just common sense, that they weren’t going to stop every five minutes. He had to hold it. He couldn’t allow himself to start panicking and lose his composure. If that happened, then there was no hope for him to survive the ride dry and with his dignity somewhat intact. He would just wait and use the bathroom at the gym. There had to be bathrooms with proper stalls. He was going to be okay, he just had to be patient and hold it.

“There’s something wrong with you, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said, and this time it wasn’t a question, “I really want to help, but I can’t, because I don’t know what's the matter. Can't you tell me at least something? Anything? Drop me a hint?” He appeared to be worried, but there was a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“It’s fine,“ Tsukishima lied despite himself, the words coming out as shaky whispers, "Don't be so loud, the others will hear." He sounded breathless, unable to keep his voice steady. No, he wasn't okay, he was a mess.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi sighed and put a hand on Tsukishima’s arm, but immediately pulled back when his friend tensed up at the sudden touch. He couldn't handle it. The pressure was unbearable and he found it impossible to keep up his act for much longer. Breathing heavily, Tsukishima turned as far away from his friend as possible and started chewing on his lip, a nervous habit he had given up in late elementary school.

He didn’t know what to do anymore. He had to pee. His bladder was literally begging him to, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t allowed to. But it would feel so so good if he just-

Without warning, his body was racked by a wave of relentless pressure, a sudden contraction of his bladder forcing him to grab his crotch with one hand, squeezing and pressing his legs even closer together. For a moment, it felt relieving, almost heavenly. But after a few seconds, the painful throbbing returned. It wasn't enough. He needed more.

Reflexively, his hips jerked forward and he started to grind against his hand. He was so out of it, that he almost forgot where he was and what exactly he was doing. Almost. His eyes widened and his hand shot out from between his legs as if he had burned himself, and he jerked around, praying that Yamaguchi hadn’t noticed. But of course, he had if his shocked face was any indication.

For a few seconds, the two of them looked each other in the eye, neither moving nor blinking. An outsider wouldn’t have been able to decide who was more embarrassed. Tsukishima ended up losing their little staring contest and averted his eyes. His heart was hammering in his chest and he had to bite his already sore lip to keep himself from groaning loudly, as the pressure seemed to have increased by a tenfold, now, that he couldn’t use his hand anymore. This was the point, where pretending to be “okay” and lying to Yamaguchi would make him look even more ridiculous than being upfront about it.

“Sorry,” he pressed out through gritted teeth, squirming, his eyes watering in a mix of shame and raw desperation, “I just...really, really need a bathroom,” It wasn’t often that he apologized. Yamaguchi was always the one apologizing for everything, even if he hadn’t done anything wrong. But Yamaguchi also wasn't a panting, quivering mess right now. That had to be the irony of life.

“B-But, I thought you just went at our last stop?”, Yamaguchi asked, cocking his head in confusion. Apparently, he had never bought his friend’s excuse about getting fresh air a few minutes ago. Of course, Yamaguchi wasn’t that gullible. But before Tsukishima could calm his ragging breath and try to figure out the least embarrassing way to explain what the hell was up with him, Daichi and Asahi in the seat row in front of theirs turned around to face them.

“Is something wrong? You were whispering about needing something,” Daichi said with a frown and looked at them suspiciously. Asahi however, seemed ridiculously worried again. Oh, how Tsukishima hated being pitied! He would rather have the whole world ignore him if he had a choice. It was bad enough that he felt like he was holding a whole ocean inside that threatened to pour out all over the seats.

“We’re okay!”, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi answered almost simultaneously, and right after their senpais had turned back around, Tsukishima’s hand flew between his legs again, grabbing and squeezing, and this time, it wasn’t on accident. No, he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t. There was no point in lying anymore. He couldn’t deal with this alone. He would go crazy. He had to talk to someone, and Yamaguchi was the one person in his life he trusted the most.

“I...I couldn’t go earlier,” he whispered barely audible and gulped against the tightness in his throat, “I can never go in front of other people. It doesn’t work. I can’t even use most public bathrooms unless I’m...And, I have to go so badly, this sucks so much and I-I just fuck-” He bit his lip again, this time hard enough for it to really hurt, but he had to stop himself from rambling unless he wanted to make this even more humiliating. Though, for some strange reason, telling Yamaguchi about his problem seemed to help. His embarrassing secret was finally out and he didn’t have to make up lies anymore. And yet, he felt more vulnerable, more helpless than ever before.

“Oh...crap. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were bladder shy. But, I get it now. I really do,” Yamaguchi said in a low voice and put a hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing small circles over the strained muscles on his upper arm. Bladder shy. So that’s what it was called. Tsukishima couldn’t help but tsk at it. It sounded so childish and pathetic, just like he felt. But there was a word for it. Just, that it didn’t help with the fact that he was still trapped in a bus with his teammates and a bladder, that was not only "shy", but close to overflowing. Squirming on the spot and pinching himself only did so much.

“Okay, this is bad. Can you hold it until we’re at the gym, or are you...already at your limit? You'll make it, right?”, Yamaguchi asked hesitantly, and the fact, that he had to ask him that made his blood run cold. Tsukishima didn’t know what to answer, or how Yamaguchi would react, if he told him the truth, namely, that he felt like being seconds away from exploding and soaking himself along with the bus seat.

Even if they managed to bribe their coach into stopping for a third time, there weren’t any signs pointing to an exit anywhere, and they couldn’t just stop in the middle of the highway. Unless they got stuck in traffic, which would be a nightmare. But then again, getting off the bus right now and randomly whipping it out on the con- Oh no, no, no! He couldn’t allow himself to fantasize about that. What was he even thinking?

“Yes,” he gasped, when all he wanted to say, was No, I can’t hold it, just let me pee somewhere please!!, “I can wait. It’s okay. Really. I'm fine.” Yamaguchi’s doubtful expression said it all. He didn’t even believe himself anymore. But there was nothing he could do if he didn’t want to disgrace himself in front of the whole team. He hadn’t wet himself since early elementary school or maybe even kindergarten, and he wanted, no, needed it to stay that way. Even if the painful pressure and exhaustion caused him to want nothing more than to just let go.

The minutes passed by slowly, dragging on like an overly long commercial, and with every second, Tsukishima felt more of his patience slip away. He had been tensing every muscle in his abdomen, not daring to move his hand away from his crotch in fear that it would cause him to uncontrollably wet himself right there and then, as ironic as that would be. Blood rushed in his ears, his thoughts were a mess, and he had stopped caring about anyone noticing he had to pee. His bladder made it pretty clear it had been suffering enough and he would need to be punished for delaying his need for so long.

This was bad. This was really bad. He wasn’t going to make it. He really was at his limit.

“Yamaguchi, I-” he gasped and clenched his teeth, his breathing rapid and shallow. He didn’t even know, what he wanted to say. Feverishly, he thought about what to do, if the worst case scenario occurred and he actually lost control, which would happen soon enough with the liquid having no place to go but out. He needed to think of a plan. But what? There wasn’t anything for him to pee into, and he didn’t want to ask for a bottle. He would rather dissolve in embarrassment, and with how frantically desperate he was, he’d surely not be able to aim into a small opening without making a mess. He was going to die, science be damned.

Suddenly, Yamaguchi’s hand was on his arm again, warm and comforting. Unable to stifle a groan, Tsukishima leaned back in his seat, back pressed against the cushion, and ran his free hand over his face. He felt dizzy, almost sick. It hurt. He couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hey, you’re gonna be alright. You hear me?”, Yamaguchi whispered, but the only thing Tsukishima could think about was: “What if not?” His fears were justified when another painful contraction forced him to whimper and move his second hand down as well. He pushed his hips forward, tried to grind against the edge of the seat, everything he had to do to not lose control, no matter how ridiculous it looked. Fortunately, Yamaguchi was the only one seeing him in this pathetic condition. Yamaguchi was his friend. He wouldn’t laugh. He never did.

Tsukishima hadn’t even noticed he was holding his breath and what a stupid mistake that was, when about a minute later, he had to breathe again if he didn’t want to turn blue and pass out (which would surely make him wet himself right away). For a dreadful moment, where he couldn’t muster all of his strength to focus on clenching his sphincter shut, he lost it.

For the next few seconds, he was completely helpless, could only tighten his grip, exert more pressure with his hands to force his muscles to obey him again, and stop the faint dribble that had escaped his grip. He managed to clamp it off just in time before any major damage could occur. His pants still seemed dry on the outside, but his boxers were wet. Very wet. The feel of the soaked fabric on his skin made it even harder to resist the intense urge, and he was shaking and sweating with the effort, frustrated tears welling up in his eyes.

But there was nothing else for him to do. He had enough common sense to know that the next contraction, the next spurt would be his demise. Definitely. His muscles were weak, like after hours of training. They wouldn’t respond properly, wouldn’t work the way he wanted them to. Though, the worst and most embarrassing part of it was that his willpower was starting to crack. He really, really didn’t want to wet himself. He knew the consequences and knew, that he wouldn’t be able to live with any of them. But the pressure was just so intense, the tingly, twitchy feeling tempting him to just give in and stop struggling.

“Just a few minutes, we’re almost there,” he heard Yamaguchi’s voice over his own heartbeat, and that was probably the only thing that kept him motivated. If Yamaguchi believed in him, he couldn’t disappoint his expectations. He had to hold it. A few minutes passed. The traffic went smoothly, and maybe this was fate showing mercy to him.

He had to get off the bus. Now.

---

“Yeees, finally! I thought this bus ride was gonna drag on forever!”, Hinata exclaimed in his typical loud voice, and for the first time in all the months he had been spending with Karasuno, Tsukishima agreed with Hinata, “Kageyama, you’re excited about the match too, right? You think we’ll beat them? The coach said they have an amazing setter, and their libero is awesome too, and they-”

“Don’t get too worked up, dumbass! You’re just gonna puke again,” Kageyama answered in his usual grumpy tone, resulting in laughter and a few groans at the dry statement of their main setter.

Trembling with suppressed anticipation, Tsukishima waited impatiently for the bus to stop, so he could finally get out and pee. The time came, and the bus slowly emptied as Hinata and co. were the first players to get off and take in the fresh air of the new, unfamiliar place. Tsukishima latched onto the seat back in front of him and begged his body to hold out for another few seconds and not give in immediately. Not while he was still on the bus. He couldn’t give up now. Fortunately, Yamaguchi stood up before he did, so he didn’t have to climb over him to get out. With a tunnel vision clouding his brain and a hand wedged between his legs, he stumbled to the exit. The last remnant of his self-control hung on that very hand, a fragile thread that he knew would break very soon.

Just a little longer.

How he had managed to get off the bus without leaking or outright wetting himself, he wasn’t sure, but he appreciated his luck. Using his elbows to shove Noya and Hinata out of the way, who were stupid enough to block the door, wasn’t something he felt insanely sorry for either. Finally, he was outside. Now, he just had to find a bathroom and everything would be fine. Scanning the large parking area with his eyes, he leaned against the bus, holding himself up with his free hand, as he no longer trusted his legs.

Of course, they weren’t the only people here. Cars were parked all over the lot and a few teenagers in sports gear were walking in and out of a building, that looked like a gym, a few feet away from where they had parked the bus. He hadn’t thought of this. He had no idea where the bathrooms were, and didn’t believe he had enough time to ask someone for directions. He would soak himself before even mustering up the courage to talk to one of those people in his current state. Right then, when he was about to lose all hope, he spotted a hedge in a corner of the parking lot, a few narrow trees...and a trash can.

That had to be a sign.

Frantically, he stumbled in that exact direction, ripping his zipper down on the way, and even before he could stand up straight or hide behind one of the trees, his bladder gave up. It started with a dribble, but within a few milliseconds, it turned into a hard stream, gushing out without control, hissing and wetting the hand he was still using to hold himself. He barely had time to get everything out and aim at the scrub that separated the larger hedge from that freaking trash can. His underwear felt even more soaked than before, but that didn’t matter now. Nothing did. It took him a moment of catching his breath before he realized what he was even doing.

He was in a public parking lot in the early afternoon, with his teammates and strangers who could all see him, and the first thing he did upon arriving was pee next to a trash can. He had needed it so badly, had been so desperate, that there hadn’t been any time for him to think, no time to worry about not being able to go with other people around. And maybe that was his luck. He still felt dizzy, exhausted, drained from the effort of holding it in that long, but it was worth it. Relieving himself felt liberating, so goddamn wonderful, that he couldn’t help but sigh and smile.

He'd made it. He didn’t have to fight it anymore.

“Haha, guys, look! Tsukki’s already marking his territory over there! I didn’t know we had an alpha wolf on our team,” Noya’s howling laughter brought him back to reality, and he really should have been embarrassed, blush in fifty shades of red, and hope that the ground would open up and swallow him whole. Instead, the cheeky comment of his senpai almost filled him with pride, as ridiculous as it sounded to him. Not even Tanaka’s remark about “asserting dominance” and “biting their opponent’s heads off” bothered him. Maybe, it was the euphoria, the endorphins clouding his brain, that he couldn’t focus on anything but how amazing it felt to finally get relief.

It took a while for his bladder to finally empty, the high pressure of his stream almost digging little furrows into the soil below and making a puddle. About half a minute later, it had slowed down to a trickle, making a gentle pattering sound on the leaves. A dull ache remained in his lower abdomen, feeling a lot like sore muscles after a harsh workout without proper warm-ups. It was kind of strange. He had been tormented by his overflowing bladder for so long, that the feeling of emptiness almost seemed foreign to him. But at least now he could finally calm down and relax.

As he went to adjust his pants and underwear, the contact with the cooling wetness caused him to flinch and grimace. He would definitely have to put on new underwear before the match started, because this one was thoroughly soaked. But except for a few small stains that weren’t visible from afar, his pants looked dry. Everything was alright. He was alright. Unusually upbeat, Tsukishima turned his back on the corner he had just used as a makeshift toilet and returned to his teammates. A few of them avoided eye contact, some apparently suffering from second-hand embarrassment, others just making fun of him, because of course they did.

“Hey, Tsukishima! Noya said you were marking your territory. I don’t get it. Was that some kind of ritual you just did there? Like, for luck or something?” Hinata asked innocently, staring up at Tsukishima with those huge brown eyes and his nose scrunched up. He would almost find it cute if Hinata wasn’t such a nuisance all the time. “-and so freaking stupid,” he added in his mind.

“Yeah, it’s a rite to get the volleyball gods to grant us happiness and protection from injuries during our match today. I’ve read it on the internet. People actually do that,” he answered with a blank expression and tapped two fingers against the shorter boy’s forehead, before walking back to the bus to get his bag.

“Woah! I can’t believe, Tsukki actually cares about our team’s wellbeing!”, Hinata gasped and turned to a tired-looking Kageyama, “Wait, volleyball gods don't exist, right?” Tsukishima chuckled to himself, as he half-heartedly listened to the rather one-sided conversation between idiot number one and idiot number two. Witnessing their stupidity ooze out always made him feel better about himself and today was no exception.

---

Tsukishima was just about to retrieve his belongings from the bus, when Tanaka called out to him. He already expected him to apologize for his bad joke an hour ago, but Tsukishima didn’t really want to be reminded of that situation. Now, that his mind was somewhat clear and not completely hazed by endorphins, shame started to crawl up his chest. He didn’t want to talk to his senpai about his strange hang-ups that didn’t concern him in the first place. Sighing, he turned to his teammate but tried to come off as indifferent as possible. Not, that his usual expression was any different…

“You know...I’ve heard our opponents have a new middle blocker who’s two meters tall,” Tanaka started their conversation. Tsukishima just raised an eyebrow at him, unimpressed, and shrugged. It wasn’t like he cared about the height of his opponents. The infinite passion for the sport, that most of his teammates shared had always felt foreign to him. Well...since that incident with his brother.

“He’s supposed to be inexperienced as hell, but has an ego the size of Russia,” Tanaka continued talking and making weird hand movements, despite Tsukishima’s obvious disinterest in the topic, “So you’ll have to show him today, what a real middle blocker can do and kick his ass. You know, dominance and stuff.” He winked at him. Okay, he hadn't expected the conversation to turn in this direction.

“Was that...a compliment?”, Tsukishima asked in slight confusion, before a grin appeared on his face. If that was Tanaka’s way of apologizing, he could live with it. No pity, no embarrassing questions, just the usual Tanaka-typical shit-talk about other players.

“Whatever, just kick their asses and show them what Karasuno’s made of! I believe in you, dude!” Tanaka laughed, patted his kohai on the back and left to join the heated conversations between some of the older players and Hinata, the latter never being able to keep his mouth shut. Tsukishima felt a bit overwhelmed, but the mischievous smile on his face remained. Tanaka might've been a rowdy and a troublemaker, but he was a decent guy and certainly a lot smarter than he looked. As the group walked to the gym together, the mood seemed to be at ease. Even Hinata wasn’t an anxious mess this time and only seemed to get on Kageyama’s nerves.

Tsukishima was more than grateful that nobody brought up the embarrassing incident again, not even Yamaguchi, who knew more about his problem than anyone else and had been nothing but supportive. Today’s bus trip surely wouldn’t be the last of its kind. If the impossible happened, and the team actually qualified for nationals, he would have to deal with similar situations sooner or later, and he couldn't always rely on luck to save his ass. Really, he had to do something, if just for his own sake. But right now, they had to focus on their practice match.

He wouldn’t want to admit it, but he was actually looking forward to meeting the two-meter guy and “kicking his ass” like Tanaka had told him to. But even if the match went in a different direction, he was just here to have a good time. Volleyball wasn’t his passion, but he cared about it enough to not let it be ruined by a stupid phobia. And maybe, that was all the motivation he needed.