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Chapter Text

"Your insolence is practically unbearable" izuru spoke lowly, though his voice projected such strong emotion in the words that left his lips "You'd prefer me to allow you to starve boy? Allow you to grovel at my feet and allow the hunger to eat your innards like a hungry dog? Eat or you're own coffin awaits you"

"I'm sorry, I simply cannot accept such a lovely dinner made from someone as amazing as you. Trash like me-" the pale boy spoke, green crazed eyes, only filled with the hopeless self resent that he had grown to adapt to "then do as you please" the conversation would no longer carry on, as izuru ate in silence. Komaedas eyes ever so often eyeing the lovely feast laid upon him, and oh how he wished to eat such mouth watering delectables, yet his own mind allowed non of it. Would the god-like deity allow him to starve? Surely he wouldn't, though izurus efforts went nowhere with komaeda, he still tried, to both of the boys surprise. Both stubborn bulls, bumping heads against the other, though one would always win, the pushing of boundaries and wasted efforts never bored the bull who's name only brought upon the word "boredom" a mind twister, really "excuse me" komaede spoke, a sudden rush of anxiety clogging his throat as he stood from his spot of dining. Izurus ruby eyes stayed fixated on the fine China plate, holding the food that tempted komaeda like the devil, Adam and eve. He waited no longer for izuru to respond, hurried foot steps to his bedroom. The door closing softly, and the sound of him clattering to floor. Had he pushed himself? Eating nothing for a long period of time, cleaning and cooking, only to toss the food, calling it un-worthy, though hoping a part of izuru would accept his hopeless state of dependence, the hopeless, weak efforts to grab his attention, begging that he would show interest in the effort, anything from izuru absolutely anything. On the blackened end of his mind, negativity coiled like a snake, mocking him, his efforts are useless, anything izuru has ever given him was empty pity, and even HE, komaeda, didn't deserve it.

His stomach growled of something inhuman, curling into itself, causing a dry Gag from the boy who's stupidity had caused him the pain that he now endured daily for approval "of all the nonsensical things you've concurred, this has to be the worst" izuru would say, maybe even frowning, showing hatred towards komaeda "What a burden, what would you ever do without my assistance" the statements that komaeda had thought up in his mind only continued, worsening each second, each time, each one sounding harsher than that before. Oh how he wished he could stop the mental abuse he suffered daily. After the fit of coughing and heavy breathing, komaedas symptoms finally ceased, giving him the strength to lift himself from the marble floor. Before now, he hadn't felt the cold material underneath him. Swirls of brown, tan, cream, all locked in a glassy coat, forming shapes of creatures and demons, causing the hallucination of possible accidental art "my mind wanders away from me too much" komaeda rasped, pulling his eyes away from the ground. Finally brought back to his senses. he was hungry, ravished, but he would starve and die for izuru.

"I cannot say that im bored with what you've brought upon yourself, though now that the consequences have caught up with your foolishness, do you still wish to starve" izuru pursed his lips, standing in the wooden doorway, the gaze of a spear that had been sharpened by the strongest metal. Red eyes flickered with curiousity, only for a mili-second, before it was obvious that izuru had become bored with the situation that lay at hand "would you allow it if i said yes" komaeda managed a weak smile, his tone was mocking.

"Eat or starve yourself to death, you swore to work at my expense, is it now that you think so highly of yourself that I shall work at your expense? Is this another cry for attention" komaeda grinned "as to be expected...you saw right through me. But, there's one thing you got completely wrong"

"Enlighten me" izuru replied.
Komaeda enjoyed the eagerness that hid behind the never changing expression hibernating on the obsidian haired male "I cannot think highly of myself, I would think that someone such as yourself would know of something so obvious, is it reserve course after shock?" Komaeda asked. Yes this was what he wanted. This attention. He knew izuru would grow bored but this attention was absolute. His existence and efforts, everything just for this small meaningless, though not to komaeda, conversation that always lead nowhere but in arguments and abuse, komaeda took more hits than he had admitted to himself "komaeda i have boundaries, I've tolerated your idiocy this far, do not cause meaningless yelling. You know how I despise it. I'm no longer concerning myself with your state. Know that if you attempt suicide, I will force you to live and suffer through it. Calling you a pitiful little thing is an understatement-" as if he had caught his anger grow in with each word that he spoke, he abruptly paused. Komaedas expression telling izuru that he had gotten through to him, though it wasn't his objective, it was a mediocre surprise. Though the surprise quickly died, leaving the bitter after taste of boredom once again. In a way, it had brought him back to light, a realization "I apologize. Please eat something, or else it'd be near impossible to serve me in your state. If you're concerned about the food, then we will just warm up cup noodles" his statement was re-worded, completely out of concern for the malnourished boy. Though his words showed worry, his voice and face didn't match what he spoke, which was in some cases extremely useful, but komaeda was the type who enjoyed seeing what you were feeling, looming over you like a lost puppy just to see what reaction he could squeeze out of you "....cup noodles doesn't sound so bad, I'm sorry for worrying you, you really
really shouldn't concern yourself with trash li-" komaeda finally spoke "Enough." Izuru interrupted.

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He was tired of hearing the same thing over and over, komaeda was like a broken record, constantly on repeat, and mostly on a whim, izuru tolerated it, on other days, not as much "as of right now. Our priorities must be on going grocery shopping, as we have nothing edible left, and you insist on wasting food for such a foolish reason as worth" izuru sighed. with the white haired boy staring at him with large eyes and vulnerable stature, it was beyond him to scold him any longer. he couldn't be upset with the unexpected fight that komaeda had put up, becuase he enjoyed the unexpected, a sadistic nature of which he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge.

"would you like me to change?" komaeda asked, lowering his eyes in shame, realizing the unruly way he had spoken just some time ago. the red eyes of a watchful predator setting the atmosphere for a stressful situation "please." was his response before komaeda heard his footsteps begin to disappear down the hall, replacing its echoes with nothing but dead silence. grocery shopping with izuru was something komaeda enjoyed it was a foolish and simple minded thing, yes, but it was something that felt much more intimate. sure, izuru and komaeda did plenty of things together that would be considered acceptable as caretaker and wounded, but taking baths together, making breakfast, and, occasional empty praise began to grow into something that komaeda felt as if he needed more of. his want turning to a dangerous desire, of which izuru had never allowed in the past. But now that the enclosure that izuru had built around himself was slowly beginning to soften, komaedas mind screamed boundaries, persuading him to push them, even if it caused another bruise, another slap, another violent quarrel. in the end it would be worth it. in his mind, he knew it was wrong, though could he blame izuru for his actions. izuru had his own problems, though not all of them were clearly visible or directly voiced, it was quite obvious. izuru had lacked sleep, and sometimes his consumption of proper meals began to plumit. it was an awful thing to watch someone go through, knowing that you could only reach so far into their mind.

komaeda trudged to his closet, surprisingly amble for his state, pulling over a dark green shirt and deciding to let the the bottoms he had on, remain. brushing over his thin form, a small gasp escaped his lips "ive lost this much weight.." bone jutting from his sides, not too visible, but it was there. Izuru would easily spot the drastic difference, as if he hadn't already. A sharp inhale escaped through nagitos teeth as he imagined the feeling of the others hands on him. A disgusting thought. How could he possibly think of tainting the god-like figure with his filth. It was a thought that komaeda could never shoe away, and it gutted him with guilt. A soft tingling caused the frail boy to shoot up straight, realizing the thoughts that had infiltrated his mind. Ontop of that, izuru would leave without him if he even dared to spend more time then needed to get ready "I'm sorry for taking so long" komaeda choked out, approaching the male who waited patiently by the door. His eyes shifted, briefly stopping on komaeda before opening the door.

The drive was far from silent. Komaeda pointed out multiple farms, too many for izuru to have been able to look at without also having his eyes on the road. Though when he was paying attention, he looked uninterested. He looked mostly for komaedas expense. Entertaining his excitement over basic everyday animals, the types that they would typically go over a million times in Pre-K or kindergarten "...komaeda" izuru inquired. The albino quickly snapped to attention, sinking into his seat "ah...Im sorry. I won't speak anymore." looking away, attempting to avoid izurus gaze any way possible. The apologetic expression he wore when izuru gripped the wheel and pulled the car to a halt. The once yellow light flicking to red "you know how much I dislike repeating myself" though in retrospect he didn't mind it if it was komaeda "I'm sorry. Is there something you wanted to ask me kamakura-kun?" His skittish reaction was slightly wearing away, though he still gave the impression that he was a small child who had been in trouble "what is so fascinating about animals that we've come across multiple times before this. I don't share your enthusiasm, although you could say it's because I clearly do not understand it. I feel as if, even if I did, it wouldn't change my perspective" he spoke, his voice was just as monotone as any other time, yet komaeda felt much more encouraged to answer "Well...maybe it's just me izuru-kun, but it's nice to see other living things besides us measly humans. Not the ultimates of course! But, as you've said, humanity is a ugly race, so, to sum it up, to watch something else besides humanity grow, is truly something Beautiful, though i doubt that my dearest izuru-kun would agree" komaeda chuckled, resting his head on his hand. He watched izuru closely, his appearance staying solid on the road ahead before his eyes shifted to komaeda "let us agree to disagree"

"Izuru ku-"

"Kamakura" he corrected. Komaeda nodded, fiddling nervously with his fingers

"Ah,,,kamakura-kun. Of course. It's rare to hear you comply with something like that..I'm just taken back" komaeda spoke, cautious with what words he chooses to place down. Speaking with izuru was the equivalent of playing a card game. Place one wrong card, and you've doomed yourself to all hell, or so izuru had said, though komaeda had to agree, as izuru had been the pure example of said "you could say that in a sense, I can sympathize with your opinion, but that doesn't make it any less boring then typical fascination"

"You accept things like their factual kamakura-kun"

"I accept things when they interest me, komaeda" his voice lingered on his name, causing komaeda to silence.

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One sharp look and komaeda had gone mute, not daring to risk anything because his mouth had developed a mind of its own. Komaedas mind spat venom at times where he was indirectly forced into silence. He would love to spit profanities at the man who he oh-so adored, at times where his standards were so miraculously high for someone such as lowly as komaeda himself, but knowing better, komaedas mouth stayed shut at all times.

"I have one question before you silence me to Oblivion" komaeda sighed, a bit upset . Izuru seemed to hesitate briefly before shifting in his seat "Continue"

"...would it be too much to ask if we could.."

He paused

"No..no...nevermind. I apologize for wasting your time" komaeda finally gave up, though he adored the undividing attention he received from izuru, he was getting greedy, and it was going to put him into trouble if he couldn't silence it now.

"Please do not open your mouth unless it is to speak." Izuru stated before pulling into the parking lot. Komaeda hadn't been paying too much attention to the road, so he hadn't noticed the sudden arrival. His lips parted briefly to apologize, before thinking better of it and fumbling with his seatbelt to get out. He heard izuru sigh before stepping out of the automobile. Komaeda followed, hearing the familiar click of the seatbelt, freeing him from the leather seat. His feet made soft crunches from the gravel below his feet as he slammed the door shut.

The cold air of the grocery store coated komaedas pale skin, causing him to hold himself. He noticed the stares izuru had been getting ever since they walked inside. He was irregular. He stood out. He was beautiful. Komaeda envied it. Not izuru, but those who were able to lay eyes upon him without the nervous tittering of being afraid to get caught. Komaeda had stared at izuru from afar, though izuru was silent, he disliked the attention, unless of course, it was while they were talking, in which that case, izuru needed eye contact, or else he would simply drop the topic all together "I apologize. I should have advised you to bring a jacket of some sort" izuru spoke softly, only for komaeda to hear "please don't apologize. It's really not an issue.." komaeda spoke, though his voice dropped "I'm okay!" He suddenly piped up before raising both hands in the air "see? It's perfectly fine. Besides, someone as lowly as me shouldn't worry someone as above as yourself" komaeda grinned. Izurus eyes narrowed briefly before he nodded.

That was it? Nothing? No arguing? No...reassurance?

Komaedas mind whispered, clawing at his concious for a moment before he shook his head. Izuru had already began walking, komaeda beginning to follow close beside him "What all do we need?" Komaeda asked "enough to feed us for another week if possible" izuru replied. Komaeda frowned "the essentials.." he mocked "I'm asking that you don't grab anything unnecessary either" though the statement was more or so a warning. Komaeda was hesitant, wandering besides izuru and placing product in the basket. It was apparent just how useless komaeda really was when it came to top-shelf items. His height didn't quite make up for the lost space between his fingers and the shelf. It was at times irritating, because he was in a separate isle from the one he called hope, and had to endure the embarrassment and fear of dragging him to the shelf for assistance.

Komaedas ass was as good as dead as far as he was concerned. It became almost too apparent after asking for assistance the fourth time. Izuru sighed in utter defeat before mumbling "let's just stick to lower shelf items, komaeda" and tossing product into the basket. Soft red eyes lowering to meet his "you're not upset with me?" Komaeda asked. Izuru dejectedly avoided his puppy face, not willing to pity him in the slightest. "I'm not. There's absolutely nothing we can do about your height. I can't be mad at you for being short." Izuru replied, seeming to be amused. it wasnt direct, but the way he spoke seemed patronizing enough

Jeez, he was really breathtaking when he smiled.

Komaeda shook stray thoughts from his mind, a little happy that izuru hadn't been as upset as he'd made the impression of being. Though it was obvious that the constant runs from komaeda to wherever the hell he had been before were definitely not his fortay "let's go." Izuru motioned towards the checkout lane. komaeda desperately wanted to hold his hand, but knowing how touchy izuru was, there was a very low chance he would let him. there were things izuru allowed occasionally, and any type of physical contact was that, exactly. there were times where komaeda would be allowed to touch as he pleased, and he would be perfectly content with it, but this, this was not one of those time. komaeda felt the wait was worth it though. there was a specific reason why izuru didnt allow touch without consent, and it was defenitely understandable, but most would find it...unsettling to a certain extent. komaeda felt special that he was the only one who seemed to be this close to izuru. besides naegi-kun who occasionally came over to speak with izuru and ask how he was. izuru spoke alot with naegi. and not just when he was being asked questions, he spoke, in general. just speaking about the house, and komaeda sometimes came up as a topic which then resulted in him being called downstairs to mirror the exact conversation that naegi had just had with komaedas indirect romantic partner.

romantic partner...?

"komaeda, you're zoning out again. is there something on your mind?" izuru cocked an eyebrow.

if i answered would you brush me off? im just trash, theres no reason to make you worry

"no, im just a tad tired is all" he grinned. izuru obviously wasnt convinced, and silently mouthed "we'll talk at home" in response. komaeda frowned, mouthing back a silent "im fine, really"

"dont argue with me"

well, that shut komaeda up real quick. the ride back home consisted of anxiety and non-stop fidgeting which earned him a few concerned looks from former hope. komaeda didnt look forward to going home to the slightest, cycling through the possibilites of what could happen. and the one outcome that seemed so probable, it scared him. on the other hand, there was another that hit him so hard he actually flinched. there were two outcomes to izurus anger and irritation when he lost his patience. it was either komaeda got hit, or something, else. it was so rare though, so komaeda wasnt even preparing himself at this point.

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komaeda placed the last bag onto the counter, briefling allowing his eyes to brush over all they had brought "yuck...." komaeda mumbled, setting the bottle of yellowish liquid aside. to a slight surprise he was surprised that izuru drank the cheap type of beer, it tasted awful, but any type of alcohol tasted bad to komaeda. it didnt really matter if it was expensive or not. he remembered begging izuru to let him try it, and izuru declined telling him that he wouldnt like it, but being stubborn komaeda continued to prod. eventually izuru had given in and komaeda was absolutely disgusted. izuru even offered to buy a different type, to which komaeda naively complied, and izuru ended up drinking it all by himself throughout the week becuase as expected, komaeda didnt like it. he was sure izuru had some hidden motive of buying the expensive shitty tasting substance, most likely to have a reason to blow a good 50-70 something dollars on alcohol, but oh well.

"dont pick up anything unecessary he says" komaeda huffed underneathe his breath.

izuru began to put the product away, telling komaeda to leave out the bottle and tylenol. when komaeda asked why those two specifics and izuru simply answered him with a "my head hurts" whenever alcohol was in hands reach before komaeda the only thing he could think about is how many times it was used as an excuse for multiple "affairs" that men and women in the movies he watched, used. komaeda enjoyed watching tv, especially the shitty, old televesion channels that izuru honestly couldnt ignore anymore than he already does. he ended up falling asleep on his hands 99% of the time, and the 1% he stayed awake was probably the ones komaeda dreaded the most. he enjoyed being beside izuru, and being able to just rest without being forced to run back and forth between the office, downstairs, and his room, but watching sex scenes with izuru was something he was almost 100% sure he could live without. it was so...awkward? no, awkward didnt even to begin to describe it. izuru would sigh, peer at komaeda, then take a unbelievably large gulp of whatever the fuck he was chugging down at that moment and lay back in the cushion of the couch and go deathly silent for the rest of the movie. when he brought it up after a few times, izuru told him he was asexual, and went on a complete rant about how sex was meaningless. his asexuality was complete bullshit to komaeda, who knew it was simply just selective.

because izurus talents allowed him to be extremely intelligent and reflexive, he could see every possible outcome of relationships, and nobody ever caught his eye, or atleast no one caught his eye enough for him to linger on them. that was, until komaeda. the only hint towards izuru wanting to have absolutely ANYTHING to do with him was that he was interesting and he "didnt know what in bloody hell" would happen next. komaeda remembered stiffling a laugh from his choice of words, thinking that he sounded so much like an elder that he couldnt believe he was 24.

he had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadnt noticed that izuru had disappeared somewhere in the house. the bottle and tylenol both missing from their place on the counter. had he been sitting there looking at nothing the whole time? he was sure that izuru had simply looked at him before leaving. it wasnt that izuru didnt care, but it was quite obvious when komaeda was troubled, and when he was just thinking about random shit from assumedly 3 years ago. shaking all of that off, izuru had mentioned they would talk when they were home, and he hadnt dragged komaeda to his room, which meant that he was waiting for komaeda when he was ready and oddly that scared him more than he could verbally explain. izuru did things to see what reaction he would get out of it, and this was defenitely one of his "i wonder what'll happen" moments. komaeda knew him too well, but was oh so weak to his experiments which he knew were inevitable at this point. he was practically hauling ass to izurus door before slowly creaking it open. he saw no sight of the long haired man before seeing movement on the balcony and stepping up to the glass. izuru tilted his head up, blowing out smoke from the cigarette he held between his fingers before bringing his lips back to it to inhale more. komaeda could honestly just admire him all day, but that was besides the point. izuru wanted to talk, and talk they would. komaeda took a deep breath before stepping out onto the balcony, izuru immediately motioning for him to sit, which he did. there was a moment of silence as izuru exhaled the awful tar inducing cigarette smoke before komaeda crossed his legs

"you wanted to talk...right?" he asked, avoiding any eye contact whatsoever "well, that was my initial motive, but im beginning to think otherwise. komaeda, is there something that you wish to speak about?" he inquired. komaeda was so taken aback from the sudden curve ball that he couldnt reply properly until he finished rendering countless loading signs in his mind "what do you mean?" he asked, as if he hadnt already known. izuru didnt like playing stupid, and komaeda knew, so he quickly changed his reply to a sheepish "Im completely fine, im so very sorry to have worried you, im nothing but trash below your feet and a nuisance.." his voice trailed ".....you're absolutely awful at lying, i almost pity you" komaeda could see him frown past his hair, that had been softly wavering in the wind the whole time izuru was leaned on the balcony railing "i...im sorry. if you truly wish to know whats wrong then i'll speak..."

"but"

"but?" komaeada asked, cocking an eyebrow

"theres a standard you have for me when you're talking, correct?" izuru asked, finally meeting eyes with komaeda, who wasnt even close to being prepared to look directly at his ruby red eyes that komaeda knew could see through him like a fucking x-ray machine.

"im in no position to say that, izuru-kun" komaeda replied, though to speak honestly, the only standard he had managed to muster up into his mind was "please dont get mad" and hoping that this wouldnt go sideways.

"then continue" he grimly responded, knowing that komaeda was lying

"i...i want to...i want to be able to..touch.." no, too forward. too selfish

" i want to be allowed to touch you. its...impossible for me to...feel confident in anything because im afraid you'll snap or deject me. im nothing but trash but i cant help but feel like this." komaeda choked out, having to shove the last part out of the bottom of his stomach otherwise he wouldnt be able to say it. he waited patiently for a rebuttle, a protest of some sort "komaeda, do you really think that lowly of me? i have enough common sense to know when its appropriate and when it isnt, to let you touch me. you have enough common sense to ask" izuru's voice was just as monotone as usual, but komaeda couldnt help but feel like he really did have some sort of inference going on behind the scenes "but im in no place to just ask for your hand, or climb in bed with you, or hug you, id only taint you with my luck, or worse, dirt like me-"

"komaeda."

"i could never, im absolutely nothing to you"

"Komaeda" izuru hissed, flicking the butt of his cigarette before putting it out "come here"

Komaeda opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it. he couldn't really put his finger on the expression he had on, but he knew it wasn't a good one, and that scared him more than anything. as obediently as he had been forced into, he stood from the seat, sweating profusely as he stepped beside izuru. he was nowhere near prepared for what came next. izuru's hands slipped in between Komaeda's fingers, pulling him into a soft embrace. "you're undeniably idiotic, but we're extremely self-destructive. we had the talk about physical contact multiple days ago, and the self-deprivation has become so constant that its concerning. enough of the foolishness, I'm entirely exhausted from playing cat and mouse with you" he stated, irritation very apparent. Komaeda felt bad; had he really been straining izuru this much? he could understand though. anyone would be tired of him. but izuru was his only salvation. izuru gave him attention, occasionally he gave him the touch he craved, izurus luck cancelled out anything chaotic that Komaeda's had in store.

the moonlight kissed male brushed hair away from izurus face, caressing him softly. this was the touch he wanted, just to be able to speak openly like this, to have him listen. izuru was a man of very very little words, and Komaeda had to take careful consideration into what he was attempting to convey, even through small insults or just cooking breakfast. izuru quickly pulled away, leaving komaeda empty handed once again. he felt a bit disappointed, was izuru not in that type of mood today? he seemed much more compliant with Komaeda during their conversation though, so he had to be tired "did you take your tylenol?" komaeda asked. izuru nodded, pushing the glass door open to step into the comforting warmth of the house "get ready for bed, I'll make dinner in the meantime, you've been depraved of all nutrition, you're not in any shape to be doing anything tonight"

Komaeda gawked for a second, the pieces finally falling into place in his mind. Izuru "wasn't in the mood" he was...worried. worried that Komaeda was much too fragile for ANY type of rough physical handling. And komaeda knew that izuru was far from gentle. In some fucked up sense, izuru knew it too. He came to that conclusion after a tired Komaeda practically collapsed on his way to the shower in the morning after a certain long day of being pent up and completely pissed off.

He was never really "in the mood" in general to be honest. Sure he was a fully functioning male, for the most part, but his sexual needs and wants were mostly just entertainment.

another thing weighing on his mind was the fact that izuru had even been thinking about him at that time. izuru could easily calculate the outcome of anything that seemed to bore him, yet komaeda stayed unpredictable, any small slip-up that gave izuru the outcome he knew he would recieve striking fear into komaeda who knew that he would easily bore of his predictability. who had most likely been using him as someone unpredictable, with the outcome of someone unpredictable. izuru had to have known that after the first time, komaeda had been hooked, he had to have known the desperation that would form in the pit of komaedas stomach, the poor attempts to get more. he had to have known, but he said absolutely nothing, and that scared komaeda. izurus silence meant he knew something. izurus silence scared komaeda more than anything else. his life in the simulation was based falsely on hope, that was later carried on through hajime hinata. izuru wasnt there, so Komaeda had nothing to reach for after planning his death. but this was izuru now. this was him, looking a the disgrace that komaeda had made of himself. desperate and needy. in desperate need of his ability to mentally heal his scars and insecurities, but here he was, driving a knife into those insecurities.