Chapter Text
It was all utterly perfect. Until it wasn't. Where, when, how did it all begin?
Surely with his boundless ambition for everything .
Yuzuru did not deem himself to be one to run away from the consequences of his own actions. Not when jumping straight into a triple axel without preparation and certainly not when tiny cracks began to show after his much anticipated decision to switch coaches, countries, life itself. The opposite, actually ― meeting obstacles straight on like a vicious storm eradicated everything in its way yet… he could not help but be bothered.
And it was so very selfish, he knew. Yuzuru’s dream had come true in the shape of the golden Olympic medal around his neck, now, a year after, currently at home. He had achieved his greatest ambition while Brian and the team held him carefully so that he would not fail but Yuzuru… Yuzuru’s insides were twisting in the most troublesome of ways after losing his Worlds title to Javier. His Worlds title. His and only his . And Brian was beaming from ear to ear with his other charge, the original one , the first one , the one before him , Yuzuru bitterly observed while quarreling a panic attack in his hotel room. The piled up frustration wasn’t going anywhere, certainly not tonight.
He had thought himself better than this, a better competitor than he truly appeared to be.
Yuzuru sent another puffy pillow straight into the wall, right before burying his face in his shaking palms. Get yourself together. You’re the Olympic Champion, you can do it. Yuzuru could. But no longer a World Champion . Because of ―
No, don’t go there!
Stupid tears lurked at the corner of his eyes. And he did far more than go there, he ran there . It was the very reason he had retreated so early from the closing banquet and all their merry expressions after many glasses of champagne. And him as he proudly clasped Javier’s shoulder . Witnessing Brian act so delighted while Yuzuru was buried under mountains of failure felt like a particular nasty fall onto the ice. Yuzuru would know.
Yet a question arise… this was far from the first time he had ,lost but why did Yuzuru take the aftermath so badly now? Had he grew this prideful after such meaningful gold? Good? Bad? What was he? A success? A failure? And the failure? The failure was losing in itself or losing to Javier? This was the part where Yuzuru’s breath quickened aided by no movement at all. There was something about Javier… only not really. Something peaking just around the corner… but what?
Who ?
His much sought answer arrived two weeks into the off-season, into a warm morning when the sun was shining bright over Toronto, as if on a personal quest to spite Yuzuru and his gloomy mood, still so very bitter about Worlds. So much that even sharing an ordinary training session with Javier put his temper on edge, not inducing sloppiness but making him far too daring in his jumping technique in order to prove himself to anyone who may be watching. Well, not just anyone. Daring enough to get a soft scolding from Brian and his undivided attention.
Yuzuru met the man’s clear blue eyes and nodded, ceding his quads for several moments. It sparked a fire in his senses, physically conscious of that gaze glued on the back of his neck as he was looked at by him . Yuzuru possessed his attention. No matter how bad he burned to show off, he refrained from displaying skills Brian already knew he possessed. Perhaps better than anyone else, even Yuzuru himself. Instead, he settled for a spin.
“Yes yes, very good!” he heard an exciting Tracy exclaim from the other end of the rink.
Yuzuru placed down his left foot and turned his head just in time to glimpse Javier gliding onto the ice after a well landed… quad of any type judging from the speed. Yuzuru’s jaw clenched, however, he was ready to let go and concentrate on his own business when Brian’s voice joined the party.
“That was beautiful, Javi. Especially the smooth running edge coming out of it.”
More beautiful than his?
Staring down at his skates Yuzuru felt all enthusiasm desert the building. Not that it had counted for too much to begin with. But it had left. Now there simply remained… annoyance, words like insults when addressed to anyone but him. Yuzuru huffed, eyes narrowing, skating around in circles, pushing the outside world in the back of his mind. He hated this! He hated it! He needed to make it better!
Gaining ground and speed, Yuzuru threw himself into a quad toe. A spot-on landing brought everyone’s attention back to him, including Brian’s. A displeased Brian who automatically inched in his direction while shaking his head. Tracy and Javier’s gazes followed with interest.
“Yuzu… I thought we went over this times and times before. No jumping after I said no.”
Shame caught up to him and Yuzuru’s eyes went down before meeting Brian’s. Thankfully his coach did not appear too disappointed… perhaps a bit irritated. Nonetheless Yuzuru felt like a spoiled brat causing much fussing for absolutely nothing of value.
All because of Javier! Or not. Maybe….
“Sorry… I…. felt like doing it.”
Brian sighed before such week defense, strong hands finding their way to Yuzuru’s narrow shoulders. Not so annoyed no more. Not at him. Never at him. Not for too long.
“Forgiven this time. Just, please, don’t do it again. You’re risking injury and we don’t want that. Ok?”
“Ok,” he smiled, stealing an amused grin from Brian. “Promise.”
“Promise,” the man echoed, the warmth of his touch abandoning Yuzuru’s skin. “Now show me another triple axel.”
It was a beautiful triple axel considering the enthusiastic and familiar clapping of Brian’s palms. Leg still up, cheeky smile in place, Yuzuru glanced in his direction. He was stared back as well. His coach was pleased and so was Yuzuru. Immensely so.
“That was stunning. And now quads are starting to look like a good idea. What do you say? Another flip?”
Yes yes yes.
It was Javier’s turn to watch from the sidelines.
* * *
“Yuzu? Can we please talk?”
He was in the middle of tying the intricate knots of his trainers when Brian’s shadow obscured his vision.
“Of course. Here or in your office?”
“My office. Come now?”
Yuzuru nodded, standing up. Skates in his black backpack, he followed, waving at Tracy as he did so, Javier long gone, supposedly at home, practically who knew where. Once inside and with the door closed, the merry atmosphere made place to palpable tension, for once, not from Yuzuru’s part. Wasting no time, Brian’s motioned him to sit, a clear signal of a prolonged discussion. He did as told.
“Is this about the first quad? Or… did I do something else? More wrong?” Yuzuru asked, genuinely curious.
Had his coach taken notice of his sudden aversion to Javier’s presence? Was Brian seeking to change his mind?
“No, Yuzu, it’s not about the quad, not really. It’s about you.”
The warmth in those blue eyes proved a contradiction to the grave tone of the unpleasant subject.
“Me? What about me?”
“Well… I would have wished you’d came to me first but… we’ll manage the issue anyway. About you… you are in a livid disposition ever since China. Livid with yourself, with your skating, with Javier. Perhaps with me too. And you are pushing way too hard, hard enough to injure yourself. Like today’s quad for example. Yuzu, please, let me know these things. I can’t help if I don’t know.” Brian extended his hand over the desk and Yuzuru presented his without much thought. An overwhelming feeling of sadness was spreading inside his chest, poisoning his previous mood. “You are disappointed and angry, it’s clear to everyone. Yes, you made mistakes. But Yuzu, mistakes are normal, nothing to be ashamed of. And you’re you. Yuzuru Hanyu. World Champion, Grand Prix Champion, Olympic Champion ―”
“Not double World Champion.”
Yuzuru’s voice broke, more weight crumbling on his shoulders, the brushing of Brian’s fingers across his knuckles coming to a halt.
“I…” he hurried to add, the vulnerability of the situation making him sick in the stomach. “I know. And I’m sorry. I should grow but I-I can’t! I was not good enough when it mattered, why didn’t I ―”
“Yuzu. Stop. Stop . Breathe. Look at me. Yes, just like this. You are amazing. Amazing, but human. Self doubt is normal yet do not let it define yourself. You can grow again. You just need time. I’m going to help you, Tracy is going to help you.” Now both of Brian’s hands were closed around his own. “Please keep your head up, follow and trust your training and when you feel down let me know. I’ll shower you with compliments. Want to know a few?”
Yuzuru shrugged and Brian smiled.
“Good, here we go, nothing but the truth. You are one special young man. A fairytale warrior whom I first glimpsed in competition and right away deemed as a worthy rival to my student. One warrior who flattered me with his request to follow my coaching. An amazing talent who steals my breath away each time he steps on the ice, even when he gracefully lands onto his ass. The boy who stood and completed his Olympic performance after not one but two falls in his program. And do you really want me to start about the world records?”
Yuzuru shrugged yet again.
“No but... I still feel miserable. Like it’s all over. Like I’m over.”
“You aren’t.”
How do you know he ached to ask. How can you say I’m going to overcome this when I’m on the verge of crying before your very eyes? I feel alone no matter what I’m doing. At home mom encourages me yet it rings just as empty as my smile. You try to do the same now and the result does not change. You are well intended, so am I the one to blame? Not just a failure but an ungrateful one as well?
“Things will get better, you’ll see,” Brian was saying from a far away realm, caging Yuzuru’s hand in hopes of assurance, truly, a vain one.
* * *
Things did not get better. The outside perspective may speak different but deep inside, Yuzuru was raging. Oh, he was quite talented at faking smiles when needed to, but when in his own company his face fell, his eyes grew sharp and icy. Luck had it that the last person he wanted to see caught glimpse of such unworthy display.
Their sole shared training session had came to a close and Brian requested Javier to stay behind in order to discuss some pressing details about something Yuzuru didn’t completely understood, perhaps due to English, perhaps due to lack of interest. Somehow it was fine by him, the opportunity to change in peace and avoid painfully awkward talk the type of what’s new at home or I love the new music you chose. However , Yuzuru had managed none of it all, skates still on his feet, headphones inside his ears, staring blankly at a wall. He had just.... dissociated for a time. The music wasn’t playing. He wasn’t even conscious of Javier’s presence until the man spoke.
“Did my win make you this unhappy?”
While facing his training mate, Yuzuru found his mouth to be dry. He could not deny, could not lie. Well, he could but the energy to do so proved incredibly costly. And his face… It was already far too late for Yuzuru to alter his sour expression. Besides, did he really want to? What for? To save something that could not be saved? Something that had never existed in his bond with the Spaniard?.
“It is what it is. And it concerns me, not you.”
Yuzuru crunched down, furiously working on getting his skates off. He wanted to leave, he wanted fresh air and silence. He wanted to be left alone to curse his own weakness.
“Bullshit,” Javier called, stepping near him. “Our training sessions are thoroughly divided, I barely see you and when I do you don't talk to me, don’t even look my way. Ever since Worlds. So how isn’t this about me? Or what? Is your new-founded ego so enormous you are unable to comprehend you lost?”
Yuzuru should have been the composed one, like usual. Should have kept his mouth shut, should have informed Javier he was tired ― and he was, should have done anything else besides what he actually did. One foot in his sneakers, the other in his skate, he straightened himself and, without warning, got into Javier’s face. And then he swore in English for the first time in his life.
“Fuck off and go celebrate your precious win!”
He was slightly pushed back in a natural fit of rage in response to the offence. It was compulsory, really. And it would have been completely fine if it ended right there, with only a step not in the right place. But fate had it another way. Fate and his mismatches shoes.
Yuzuru’s balance offered no aid at all, not with one heavy foot slugging down his movements. Javier’s hand also darted far too late, now sensing the outcome. Yuzuru fell on his back, a sharp pain lightening down from his shoulders, the very body part he had knocked onto the sitting bench. All air left his lungs and tears prickled at the corner of his vision. It hurt . Javier was saying something, then screaming something but Yuzuru was too blinded by pain to take notice, yet he must have been fine as he was still able to lift his heavy leg, the one clad in skates, and the other… Yes, this one did his job as well. But Yuzuru’s shoulder was another thing entirely, one with a mind of it own. Unfortunately, the suffering was evenly shared.
When he finally opened his eyes Brian was leaning over him with such a terrified expression Yuzuru burned to let him know he was ok. His legs were fine therefore he was fine. Yuzuru Hanyu was always fine. A warrior, just as Brian had said.
“Yuzu, help is coming. Stay strong for me, ok? For me, for you.”
Perhaps things will get better. He’s here, with me.
* * *
The twists in his story so far should have made it more easy. And it was anything but. Anything but decisive ― a decision he did not want to make, a decision that wasn’t truly his yet the question had to be uttered by him and him only. It burned yet Yuzuru had to, otherwise he would be steadily losing his mind, he’ll make more and more mistakes until all the right steps were to be lost amidst the upcoming disaster.
It was his second day in hospital ― should have been home already but his mom and Brian were unbroken and unyielding in their will to remain here for a few more hours. As if Yuzuru would heal faster while confined in this bed. They were right in a way. He did some healing… of the psychological kind. A conclusion has been reached, a bitter one, a conclusion nonetheless. This was the precise reason why he had sent for Brian so soon after his mom went out to eat lunch. Javier had visited hours before, all hunched shoulders and apologies and Yuzuru had uttered it’s ok because it didn’t truly matter anymore. His decision had been made even then, inducing a slight guilt regarding what he was about to do.
But there was no other way.
He pushed himself into a sitting position against the many pillows from his hospital bed just in time to see Brian arrive, cup of coffee in hand, dark circles underneath his eyes. Yuzuru was well aware the older man had not left his side ever since yesterday evening. He remembered Brian over him, warm hands on each side of Yuzuru’s face, words uttered so close to his ear. Stay strong for me, ok? For me, for you. Yes, Yuzuru was doing this for himself, just as Brian had said. In spite of the fact he was on the verge of weeping and seeking shelter into his coach’s arms, Yuzuru was going to be strong.
“How are you feeling?” he was asked while Brian pulled a chair at his bedside. “Just had a meeting with the doctor on my way here. Tomorrow morning you’ll be allowed home. Thankfully, it’s not bad. Should be back on ice in no time.”
“We need to talk,” Yuzuru breathed out, voice quivering, ignoring the previous sentence.
Brian took notice of his grim demeanor at once. He knew Yuzuru like the back of his hand, after all. Did he knew the rest as well? Had he guessed?
“Of course. After what happened we have to ―”
“I’m growing tired of crawling on my knees. I’m powerful but not this way. And I tried but… look how it ended.” A bitter laugh escaped him. “I’m so selfish but this is who I am, this is what I feel. And I feel like dying every minute while in his presence. We’re hurting each other without really trying ―”
Brian placed his coffee besides Yuzuru’s untouched lunch on his bedside table. The color of his face grew pale, he sensed the menace.
“Yuzu, what are you saying?”
“I… me or him. That’s… that’s how it is.” He pushed back tears. “Or nothing at all.”
Outside of this room people went on with their lives, with their own difficult. The hurried steps of nurses, the ringing from the patients rooms. Only in here silence reigned. Brian looked as if he had just been slapped while Yuzuru’s tears had begun their betrayal. He furiously whipped at his cheeks with the back of his hand. A slight discomfort in his shoulder signaled a protest at the sudden movement. And Brian’s gaze pinned him down to the ground like a needle would do to a butterfly.
At last, he spoke.
“Are you truly conscious of what you’re asking of me? Perhaps the medications are playing with your worst instincts?”
Yuzuru wordlessly declined through a vague gesture and Brian stared helplessly. For the first time since Yuzuru could remember, the man’s hands were shaking. The words were not there. Ah, he was the perpetrator and he must talk.
“It’s selfish and it’s bad. But there’s no other way for me. Not if I want to succeed. And I desperately wish to. So... me or him. I need to know.” A prolonged pause. “Please.” Please just don’t leave me . Please.
“Yuzu ― I… You ― You’re not thinking clear,” Brian stammered, abandoning his chair. It clicked against the floor in the most unpleasant of ways. “Believe me, Javier is miserable, he’s sorry and I’ll take care of it. I’ll make it right, I'll ―
“No. I don’t want to see him anymore. I don't want to share my coach with him. Me or him. I’m asking you.”
Yes, either Brian chose him or he did not. Yuzuru was terrified of the answer.
“Yuzu. You’re asking me to abandon the boy that has been abandoned times before. To turn my back to Javier who gave his blessing for your acceptance at once. Javier who supported you each and every time you took the gold, sentencing him to silver. This is what you ask of me without considering his feelings, of what is just.”
“Then I'm sorry I let you down. I suppose I’m not that nice of a person everyone believes I am. So, me or him.”
“I’m not going to answer that,” Brian uttered with disgust, heading for the exit. “Eat, sleep, clear your mind. We’ll talk tomorrow with a clear head. Take care of yourself.”
“No answer is still an answer,” called, warned , Yuzuru, lump in his throat.
Brain hesitated at the door before he furiously took his leave, leaving him behind. Moments after, burying his face in his palms, Yuzuru screamed, wailed, sobbed, all in silence. It was done for, the choice had been made, the answer had been delivered. He rocked back and forth, one sharp inhale of breath after the other while his shoulders protested in discomfort.
It wasn’t like Yuzuru had not been expecting this outcome. But he had hoped. So foolish of him. Them two had built so much over the years, not a simple house but a castle. An empire. More than an ordinary and trusting coaching relationship, a friendship truly. Cherished each other, motivated each other. And so he had placed his hopes, betting on his objective value to Brian as a successful student if nothing more. And he had lost so viciously. Yuzuru had asked for too much or perhaps he himself was not enough to count at all. So what he wanted to scream for anyone to hear. Let them know how bad Yuzuru suffered . This wasn’t the first time someone left him. But it was the first time it ached this badly. As if he was sick, as if he was dying, haunting thoughts that poisoned each grain of confidence he possessed. Brian had left him!
Out of breath, he fell back against the pillows. Yuzuru stared up at the pearly ceiling, willing himself to stop crying once and for all. His mom should be back any moment now and he would need to talk to her. About Brian, about leaving, about so many things that needed to be done. Would she empathize? Would she judge him as well? Inevitably, Brian repulsed expression came in mind. His broad back as he left came to mind.
If you only knew how alone I am. How much I would have wanted you to choose me and only me. How selfish I am. At least one of these things you do know.
Exhaling through his open mouth, Yuzuru prepared for the inevitable. For her steps and for something new to begin, something that was supposed to be great.